Keeping Records - I'm Done With Art That Challenges Me (with Alison Leiby)

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Fresh off of their weekend of debauchery in New York City (read: being kept up by neighbors and flooded in their hotel), Caleb and Shelby have a date with comedian, writer, and producer Alison Leiby (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, The President Show) to plan out her Golden Record. Alison wants to show the aliens our best media, and for them to be orally fixated and in comfortable footwear the whole time. Alison's Artifacts Diet Coke and popcorn (food and beverage)  Party Down, S02E05, "Steve Guttenberg's Birthday" (audio-visual) Yacht rock (music genre) When dogs and cats cross their front paws (animal behavior) Birkenstocks (human apparel) Sharing the perception of an awkward moment with a stranger in a large store (multi-sensory experience)  Listen to Alison and cohost Halle Kiefer on their podcast Ruined Follow Alison on Instagram and Twitter -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Caleb. How are you? Oh, good. How are you? Well, well, well, well Holmes pick the Airbnb for New York. And people were wondering, guys, guys, guys,

didn't you make money on the trip? Don't you have jobs? Couldn't you pay for a nice hotel? Sure. Sure. We're all cheap. We're cheapskates. And we decided to let Holmes pick the cheapest Airbnb in Flatbush.

And when Holmes sent it to us, Holmes has credit. Holmes sent us the thing and we said book it. We did not read. We both said go ahead within three minutes of them sending it to us, which means that

we couldn't have possibly read the details. Definitely not the fine print. In the fine print, it said a little noisy. In the neighborhood. In the neighborhood. Very different than the loudest noise you've ever heard inside the house it's a different it's a whole different thing when you think about it that way i i am frustrated by the fact that there is no way i will ever be able to

convey to someone else the noise that was this apartment it was the loudest sounds i've ever heard there was a point in time where i thought an anvil had fallen on a kid we thought i was upset yeah i was upset about knowing that sirens were coming i was like it's just gonna get louder from here at one point at one point the kids were playing outside and i heard one of them yell to an adult you have to go check on the boys they hit kevin and he's bleeding from the head and i swear and i love and i love kids and i swear to god the only thing i thought when i heard that kevin was bleeding from the head was one down because there were i think there were about 27 kids living there were so many kids they were so loud one of them looked us up looked us

in the eye and then asked alexa to be louder yeah we were she looked us in the eye and then asked Alexa to be louder. Yeah, she looked us in the eye. They had an Alexa outdoors in the front yard. Well, front, you know, it's New York. So front like gate concrete. And she said, Alexa, volume up, up, up, up, up, up, up. She really, I mean, actually that girl was kind of iconic. I have to say.

I really loved her energy. Looked us in the eyes and did it. I want to be her friend. She was really cool. The noise was unlike anything you've ever heard before. And what's worse is that also the apartment was flooding. True. The AC units were flooding the apartment.

Yeah, and we did do two shows in one night. So it was sort of an interesting way to go into that experience. But we're back in L.A. where nothing ever goes wrong where everything is perfect i hear it's good politics are great mayor's killing it i love it out here i love it out here you know hey you know what i'm excited about though shelb what we have a really good guest on the episode today and we're gonna we gotta wait i didn't want to say anything because i was shy about it but i'm glad you said something well our listeners millions we have millions of listeners and they all know our guest today because she's the host of the podcast

ruined exactly um you might have seen her on comedy central everybody please put your paws fins and maybe human hands together for our best friend in the whole world, Allison Leiby. Hello. Hi, guys. Allison, what's up, dude? Oh, my God. Okay, your Airbnb story, one, is chilling me to the core. Two, it just reminds me of a very quick...

So many, many years ago when I lived in Los Angeles, Emily Heller would organize these like Raiders retreats. Love Emily so much. And so there was a group of six of us. It was me, Emily, Aparna, Nicole Byer, Jamie Lee, and Eliza Skinner. And we like went. God damn. I would pay to be in that room.

That Raiders would have just like destroyed. That's a room. Yeah. Like that's like people are like, how do I get into this house? So we like, we're like looking at Airbnb is like just outside of of la so like we looked in like santa clarita like we just wanted a big house with a hot tub just to kind of like get out of town and we're like this one's fine there's like a few pictures of jesus but like i'm sure that's just like they're a little whatever it's like there were just a couple we got to that house i would say there were 400 pieces of religious ephemera like no

and everything from like formal paintings to like um like 1995 computer graphics art that are like with like scripture over it but like a really terrifying like faceless man behind it it all gave me nightmares also like all of like, we were half Jews. No more than that. We were a lot of Jews. And we were all like, this is upsetting. Well, he is to be fair, Jewish. It's true. And we should have been like, our brother. There was a six foot tall, like functional crucifix in one of the bedrooms. It was just like wood, like a wooden crucifix. It was so scary.

Functional how? Were there nails? Not, there's a nail gun to the side. They say, do what you gotta do. Is there any, is there any chance, Allison, that it was ironic? No. I was like, you know, maybe,

maybe they were kidding around. They also had a stack of Bibles next to the front door and they were like, take one if you want one. Like it was really, not really giveaway. So like the whole house was like just the shittiest hotel. Yeah. Total hotel.

You're supposed to take those, right? Yeah, exactly. You're supposed to take those. If not, I'm in big trouble in a lot of places. I have a stack in my house that I'm like,

leave one here, bring a Bible, leave it here. Um, but so it was just like all like the shittiest. It was just like really cheap furniture and then just like a ton of religious stuff. And then a $7,000 massage chair. Look.

Hey, you do what you have to do. Yeah, you do what you have to do. I was like, this makes up for the nightmares that I'm going to have for the rest of my life about every painting of Jesus in this house. But it was a good massage chair. You have to sit and meet the big guy. You gotta get a comfy chair. That's you got it. Yeah.

While you're waiting to be called up. When people are that religious, I'm literally like, are you only waiting for death? Yes. Oh yeah. I think that they're, they're excited by it.

A lot of them are like, Oh, well, a lot of fundamentalists, like conservative Christians, like evangelicals or evangelicals are, um, their whole thing is they're like, Jesus, every night they get on their knees and they pray jesus come back to

earth please do the rapture they want the rapture so bad it's crazy and like the constant references to heaven as like we're just all of this is just for heaven it's like why even bother then just kill yourself like well if it wasn't a sin but that's genuinely like once they do it they're fucked yeah right they've done everything right to that point that's the only reason that you have to make that's the only reason that in religion you have to make suicide a sin is because otherwise it'd be like yeah let me just fucking skip all these steps it's a cheat code yeah right hey i have a question as someone who was really religious for a minute. If you were to hire a hitman, Sin, for yourself.

Oh, Allison, what do you think? I think if you're paying him a livable wage, I think that's okay. Thank you. First of all. No, let's start there. The labor shortage. I mean, if they're doing their job right,

they can have everything. Exactly. I mean, what's the point anymore? Whatever I leave behind, I can't bring, so it's yours. This is actually, hiring a hitman is maybe the only job where it's like politically appropriate and progressive to only hire straight white men like it's like you actually shouldn't be hiring anyone other than straight white men for that like big crime job right yes yeah it would suck to have like some like badass, non-binary person who's like,

yeah, I'll kill for sport. Yeah, and then they get caught up. No, I don't think. Did either of you guys read that? There's a news story right now about a guy who killed, well, maybe, allegedly. I guess I can't say. No, he's done for. This is a current news story about a guy who killed his family

and then tried to hire a hitman against himself. Have you guys heard about this guy? It's like or something no no i love this it's i mean i don't by the way his name the listener some of our listeners will know it's some some guy named like murder well basically what happened was he has two sons and a wife he's a big fancy lawyer somewhere in the united states like some like you know small town but like big guy there and he his wife one of his wives one of his sons and his wife showed up dead on their property and they were like oh he's probably a suspect right and then a couple weeks later he i guess he's not dead but he hired a hitman to kill him so that his son his living son could cash in like a huge life insurance policy on him and it didn't work so now he's

in jail i don't know what's going on with it but it's been a story i've seen a lot on my feeds so i was thinking that this was gonna go a different way that he why the reason i thought the reason was that he knew he was gonna get caught and he was like i want to die innocent which i was kind of like i had a lot of questions about that i was like it doesn't really make sense to do that because ultimately you're dying then and then it doesn't matter if you're innocent he is a he so so mike our amazing producer who we love so much um but is also involved with the nypd he uh sent uh the link it's a south carolina lawyer accused of botched suicide by hitman he surrendered to the cops um he hired his former client to kill him is this him walking

into the courtroom i can't the picture's not loading who is oh it i mean it really is it's like they like he looks like he's in the middle of saying like fuck you like it's yeah and he he's like kind of blurry yeah it's a really weird header photo in no world would i have have chosen that i'd be like let's just go with a you know a stock photo or something like that a stock photo from a branded stock photo lead this article anyway if you're gonna have somebody if you're gonna hire someone to kill you uh suicide by hitman you gotta yeah you really competent yeah you gotta do some interviews you gotta resumes. If you're hiring them, it's like the job couldn't be easier.

I'm waiting. I'm not fighting it. I'm not. All you have to do is do it. We can work together. I'm in on it. If you guys hired a hit man for yourselves, would you,

would you tell them, would you want to know when they're doing it? Or would you tell them just do it when I'm not, when I won't see it coming? I don't want to know. Yeah. I probably wouldn't want to know. I would want to have would you tell them just do it when I'm not, when I won't see it coming? I don't want to know. Yeah, I probably wouldn't want to know. I would want to have some stuff prepared,

but I guess like that's, I would do that before I hired him. Yeah. I think you take care of business before talking. Yeah. It's like any time after, any time after Tuesday, any time after Tuesday,

snipe me from across the grocery store parking lot or, or, you know, just get me whenever. I would want some time to like enjoy some things for the, like some like foods and drinks and like really get in all that and yeah i really yeah i really go go to my favorite restaurants have a walk yeah there's like movies coming out at that time i'm sure like there's stuff i want to see yeah we're going to the movies i want to eat some licorice

you know all the big stuff we're all talking about the things we do before hiring a hitman to kill ourselves as if um as if we would still be happy people who want to eat some licorice, you know, all the big stuff. We're all talking about the things we do before hiring a hit man to kill ourselves. As if, um, as if we would still be happy people who want to enjoy life. We're like, yeah,

I mean, I'd want to like go have like good meals. We hired a hit man to kill us. We're not, we're not looking for the good stuff. It's over. It's long gone at that point. Hi.

Anyway. So would you go to heaven still? My question remains. Oh yeah. yeah i i don't know no no you don't get if you if you uh if you hire a hitman to kill you that's effectively the same thing as suicide no doesn't god because god knows everything all knowing yeah but i didn't i didn't take the action the action i did was stimulating the economy is it like having a shabbos boy like is it the same vibe yeah i wonder i mean hey look if i'm god first of all if i'm god suicide you could have just done it yourself i wouldn't care i'd be like come up here whenever you're ready you want to kill yourself

come to heaven speed up the process right but i'm not god in many ways well not you know maybe to some people i would like to think that to some yeah we never know i don't know no no some people might think i'm god allison no i'll give allison i mean i understand that but as somebody who's only going to be on the podcast you know just now and then not moving forward i could see how you would not want that to be said allison some people some people might think you're god that's true i assume they do no that's iconic yeah exactly exactly wait speaking of allison playing god uh does anyone think i'm god no well not on the pot because none of us here think each other is god but do you mean in the world yeah oh yeah sure hell yeah someone yeah i mean there's all kinds of there's all kinds of people out there uh speaking of allison playing god allison we brought you here because we

well we want to ask you a really important question that's unique to you shelby and i were talking and we were like we we want to we want to know from Allison we want to have a skirt or a question if we were sending new records into space what would you put on them I mean it's hard to narrow down but I think that's the biggest challenge yeah first foremost um kind of connects to the things I was just saying uh diet coke and popcorn together are a perfect uh salty sweet uh combo that i also had for lunch today so it's top of mind i just think it's like one of our culinary like it's like no i love like fine dining and like good food and like i have friends who are chefs i can appreciate like excellent rare products and produce and like but there are few things that go as well together as diet soda and something

super super salty and i think that that's kind of one of the greatest inventions that are you know humanity has landed on for enjoyment personally i think do you do it mixed up in a bowl or do you do it separate oh yeah like a it's like cereal it's like a wet soup no i pour it in the water is the diet coke god with the carbonation i was so on board until you guys made me a man that's so sick that's so sick in the bad way it sucked when you guys made me sad i was happy before Like nothing could look more like throw up, I think, than that kind. No. Of course. Where aliens are. Separately.

My mom once had me and my younger brother, when we were little, we did a little dance show for her. She had too much wine and popcorn and she puked all over my bathroom. So I know exactly what it would look like. I bet. I bet that's exactly the look allison is there any particular i'm because i'm assuming that sometimes this happens with a movie do you is there any particular i'm not i'm not saying a movie that you would put on your records i'm saying is there a movie that you would want to be on for the aliens when they're experiencing this that's

different from being on the records oh yes i feel it could go in two directions like one side of me is like it's wayne's world because that's like you know a perfect like popcorn movie it's so fun you're like like it's just non-stop enjoyment um and like the crunching i kind of like think like works with a comedy in a way that crunching doesn't work with a drama uh you can't have like a super tense moment in a christopher nolan movie and then be like you don't want to hear the crunch crunch crunch that's when you just like hold it in your mouth for a while and then you're like this isn't good i'm not enjoying it you're just kind of like oh my god sorry i forgot it was yeah so i think yeah exactly because you and then you can't enjoy

you know and you want to like enjoy the soda as quickly and like have the salty sweet bounce off as each other so i think a comedy i think wayne's world is like a perfect movie to be watching while you eat popcorn and drink diet coke together incredible i love that answer do you want them to be sober or like a little bit high a little bit high sure yeah not not not so high no not like uncomfortably high i don't want that to happen to them like the same kind of high that you could be when you like get a little bit high and you're like, I'm going to just get a little bit high before going and doing a fun errand. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, like sometimes you're like, oh, I need to go like to like Target, but like

for something fun, not for something, not for like paper towels, but you're like, oh, I need a candle. Like I'll get a little high and go shop for a candle. That's so fun. Yeah, I love that. I'll get a little high and go shop for a candle that's so fun yeah i love that i'll get a little high and go shop for a candle i'll get a little hey i'll get a little high and go shop for a candle i don't even care i'm no i don't care about that i'm not i'm built different i will get high and shop for a candle i'll get a little bit high and shop for a candle i'm different i'm

not like y'all i'm not like y'all i will get a little bit high to shop for a candle so like that level of high where you can still follow along. You can still enjoy the sensory experience of eating and drinking. But you're giggly, a little giggly. If someone came by you to like reach for a different candle, it wouldn't be like the most stressed you've ever been. You'd just be like, okay, for sure, for sure. Yeah.

You'd be like, okay, sure. Because then you get a little bit hot, more high, and you're kind of like, oh my God. Yeah. And then you like leave crying without a candle and you're just like, what happened? And then and then you know you're someone else's lunchtime story yep for the diet coke i have to know can bottle or fountain i mean in a perfect world it is a super fizzy fountain soda um with a lot of ice in it yes but since that is hard to come by both like in my home

where i consume most of my diet coke and popcorn um sadly i don't have like a fast food grade uh fountain soda machine though i would like one um i also find there is you know with a i like a can because like a can is always the same and i think there is too much you know fluctuation in the fountain sodas like how disappointing is it this happened to me recently i like it was like already i know it's devastating even here i was at um a pool i was doing shows at a casino not to brag and um i uh was sitting out at the pool and i was like oh my god somebody had a diet coke and it was like a big plastic cup of like very carbonated looking like fountain soda. And I was like,

Oh fuck, that looks so good. And I got one and it was so just like the, whatever they were using was so bad. It was like super sweet, but like not even like it was like regular Coke by accident. It was just like, I just think there's so much that can go wrong in the world of,

of fountain sodas and specifically, you know, the guns too, like a, like a soda gun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's just so much that could go wrong.

And it's so disappointing because you're just like, this is why we need gun control. Shelby. Mike, Mike, do something about that in post. Don't cut it. Do something about it.

Um, I love that so much. Thank you. Caleb, it's two against one right now. I mean, if I'm being honest, of course, I also loved it. But I just, it produced. No, you were right to call it out, though. Right.

But you're a can to bottle. I prefer can to bottle. Oh, absolutely. A bottle, I would rather, I would almost rather not have soda than have soda from a plastic bottle I don't like a glass bottle though I will a glass bottle what am I in Europe yes please like that's my fashion that's there's like tiny coke lights you're like this is so elegant what is it four dollars and fifty cents I'll have two like but I'll do it they're like tiny in your little hand yeah i feel

like a giant holding it caleb did you get upset by that about your guys's discussion on cans and bottles well you you i said i prefer a can to a bottle and your face fell well i'm pretty upset in general right now thinking about the number of times in my life where i have what if this had nothing to do with the soda i was like the number of times in my life where i failed a loved one no um the number of times in my life where i've been like i am going to treat myself to a soda yes and then it has turned out bad in one way or another like it was flat or they didn't have the one i wanted or i dropped it fucking everywhere as soon as i got out of the car like something horrible because there's there's such a specific type of desperation to

being like i am going to what's going to make me feel good is a soda that's like so like you're in such a dark place to be like if i have a diet coke today that's the only that's the only thing i have control over that would fix anything in my life yes and then for it to be bad it's just like the biggest fuck you from the universe it's upsetting it is it's really devastating so i default to if i'm not in control of what's happening a can is going to be the safest but if i can say it's the best fountain soda of all time the best fountain soda of all time would obviously be above a can on the hierarchy of soda consumption. And luckily you can say that on here.

We don't, we don't, yeah, we're sending it to space. It's gonna be the best one. It's going to be the best one. So yeah. So obviously fountain soda,

they refilled the syrup recently. The carbonation is correct. There's no violently carbonated soda. I want to, I want to have a problem not burping. I want to be like, I'm going to be a disruption in the theater tonight yes yep that's exactly what i want and is there a specific type of popcorn i have to ask that as well i mean i this may be controversial i do love microwave popcorn more than many uh

movie theater popcorns i've gotten just because i think like so often when you get movie theater popcorn you're getting so much of the very tiny pieces because like it all breaks down and it's just hard to get a handle on like to physically eat it is much harder like i'm like can i have a spoon for this right you need a spoon you need a you need one of those spoons specifically that they give you with like miso at a japanese restaurant yes that's the popcorn so rare that you get a popcorn scooper with integrity yeah they're so they're far too often just yes going through the motions yeah i want them to look measure the size and repop yeah like at least give me some like full-sized kernels so that's why microwave popcorn is like more again it's it's the microwave popcorn is the can of diet coke it's it's more

reliable across the board but very good movie theater popcorn that's fresh and there's big pieces i mean few things are as tasty are you adding butter i am not but i am arguably asking them to put more salt on it okay okay i'll support that i'll support that yeah like i like i'm very salty what do you guys think about the like the shaker seasonings that they sell at movie theaters now? I love that shit. Wait, what is what's happening at movie theaters?

I was just like, hold the fucking phone. This changes everything. Like thimble size, like nacho cheese or like sour cream and onion or whatever. I don't know. I have not seen this, but I'm intrigued if especially if there is one of Old Bay. I put Old bay on popcorn all the time and i can't recommend it enough they have to i'm sure they do right have an old bay because i hear that a lot i used to uh keep old bay at my desk when i went into my office and just

for all of the snacks i'm like i just i'm gonna put this on everything and i made movie theater or made microwave popcorn and put it on and it's delicious i uh they have a buffalo one that i love they have a buffalo and a nacho cheddar and if you mix them up on your popcorn it's pretty yummy yeah i'll prefer a dry uh flavor enhancer to a wet one any day across the board not even just popcorn you're talking across the board okay for popcorn for popcorn okay because that almost opened a whole can of no no no sauce condiments are really special i think they're important but like for popcorn i feel like it's it's so you know finicky it's like the second it gets a little wet like it just it's not crunchy it gets that like chewy factor and i feel like with the dry seasonings you can maintain its integrity i know

there's a i know there's a concept um i know there's a concept of aliens that they're like machines or that they're like microcosms or like little, like, basically, what am I thinking? Bacteria. That micro-bacterial, like, beings, organisms. There's a conception of aliens like that. I don't like to think of them like that. First of all, I don't think that aliens exist necessarily. But if they do, I like to think of them like that first of all i don't think that aliens exist necessarily but if they do i like to think of them as human adjacent green people um but so assuming that they are just for the sake of this question do you guys think that that aliens have

like leisure time like you know what i mean like how we we create little moments where like i'm gonna go watch a movie that's such a like leisurely like no purpose activity well doesn't that kind of what so what it comes down to is like what does their life like look like genuinely generally right like do they have anything that's not leisure what if their entire life is leisure right they could just be leisurely beings across the board right well that's an answer to the question the answer that, if their entire life is leisure, that's an answer to the question. And so I don't think they do anything. I don't think they have to work to provide for themselves.

They don't have landlords. Yeah. I don't think that they made up the concept of money and then exploited most of the people, most of their population using it. Capitalism is tough, tough to imagine happening. I think we wouldn't have done that either, though. And here we are. You have to think we wouldn't have. Well, yeah. So the odds are against it happening again you know yeah right lightning twice etc etc they do a barter system if if they're supposed usually we assume like aliens are more advanced

than us technologically just because if they find us before we find them that means that they've at least accomplished that so i like to think that they have such a high you know level of technological advancement that they have lots of leisure time because they're like we automated it all like we don't have to do all this done baby everything's handled we're watching movies all day the crops are getting plowed don't worry about that no we fly through space babe yeah we are around time on our hands wouldn't it be so disturbing though to meet an alien who's like like if we if you met anyone like

you got abducted and got to talk to one and they're like oh sorry I'm so stressed out I just like I have to get to the gym before I go to work or else I won't

make time for it all day that would be so fucking distressing yeah like I'm putting in an 80 hour week or more than us game over party end the universe

kill us all why not yeah just wrap it up like part three we failed it all failed whatever this experiment is did not yeah all all existence in the universe has got to go if they're if i ever had to hear an alien say something like um hey could we actually do 7 30 i need to push because i'm running a little late at work i'd be like blow it all up start over this is bad um whoa whoa whoa whoa wait i actually holy shit um allison we have to ask you what's next on your records oh um so next would be that one really got me yeah i was yeah i got yeah i kind of thought it was a good one what is happening right now i was like caleb forgot that he had another meeting

and he has to go like i have this thing with an alien it's at eight i just we keep moving it around um no i will say though earlier in the episode like maybe like 10 or 12 minutes ago i got a little pop up on my screen that was a trending notification that uh betty white is trending and i was like oh this about to be an interesting episode because i got and i clicked on it and of course the first three tweets are like she's alive and i'm like okay cool cool cool that's always like come up first before whatever the news is it's just right this is what actually people are looking for I'm sure she just like said like I like you know watching tv and everybody's like ah um hi I love Betty I would say that this could be folded into Diet Coke and Popcorn um because it was something i would love to watch with a good snack which is a very specific the steve gutenberg birthday party episode of party down

which i was talking to josh gondelman a delight a good friend and we were we were both being like just talking about it and we were like that's the episode of television that more than anything else i'm angry i didn't write yeah yeah like it's just the one that makes you so, you're like, it's so perfect. It's, it is just a perfect version of what like real good comedy can be. Will you give, will you give us a short rundown of the episode, Alison?

Absolutely. Um, so party down. If people aren't familiar, you can, you should go watch it. One of the best shows ever made. One of the best shows ever made cater,

you know, catering company full of like failed actors and writers, um, or aspiring actors and writers, depending on how they see themselves in Los Angeles. Every episode, a different event. They show up for Steve Guttenberg's birthday and he's like, oh shit, I had a,

my friends had a surprise party for me. I forgot that I hired you guys for a party. No one's coming, I canceled. And they're like, oh, and he's like, what happens if, they're like, well, you lose the deposit and we throw the food away and he's like well why don't you guys come in and hang out with me all day and they like have spend the whole day with Steve Guttenberg uh getting drunk on good wine and then um Ron is working the party because he's in AA and needs the structure um and then yeah um martin i was about to say martin short

which like that would be a fun uh addition to that show uh martin star and his writing partner are like talking about the the movie that they've the sci-fi movie they've written and steve gutenberg's like why don't we do a live read of it and like makes all the actors and everybody like oh my god read his writing partner is McLovin, right? Yes. Christopher Mintz-Plasse. And they're so funny. But I was like, it's the guy.

And he has like all the people who are actors and they invited some friends too. All the people who are actors, like basically do kind of like a live action reading of like a chunk of the script that they wrote. And it's so terrible. And it makes them both feel awful and like and read and they're like how have we never rewritten before like and they rewrite it

and it's way better and uh Megan Mullally who plays Lydia and her uh friend who works at the airport who she invited to the party um are the audience and it is watching her like I just think that Megan Mullally is like one of the most talented comedic actresses of all time and in this episode she says the funniest joke i've ever heard on television and it's just um which i will botch it but i will do it um i was gonna say you kind of got it i know of course i was going i can't like every time i think of the show i'm like oh my favorite joke i'll tell it for you and it'll be worse than watching the show um she has a 12-year-old daughter who she's like a momager to. And she's like, I want her to be a triple threat, like pop star, whatever. And she's like, Steve. But she

keeps calling him Ted because she thinks Steve Guttenberg is Ted Danson. So she's like, Ted. And she's like, how do you get famous? And he's like, no secret. It's like the old joke. Guy gets into a cab and says, how do I get to Carnegie Hall? Driver answers, practice. And she starts laughing so hard, like silent screaming laughing. And then she turns to her friend and she goes, the driver's deaf. It's like her delivery of it is so perfect. It is such a perfect joke.

It's so funny. I laugh just thinking about it. It a perfect joke it's so funny i laugh just thinking about it it's heavenly it's so good it's such a good show it makes me so mad that it got canceled i know i could have had like 10 episodes series 10 seasons of that show that's the word i write for television series season is um it's also like fun because it's like you know for a fact that like what steve gutenberg is playing in this episode is just who he is like there's no way that they wrote it and they were like we'll just figure out a celebrity later i'm like somebody clearly just like knew him and knew he was like this and was like can we just write an episode

about you yeah it's such a funny vibe a joke that they make like it's almost a running joke in the episode it's like a um it's a play they do a different name but what's that um there's that artist uh oh um it's Jeff Koons right but Jeff Koons and they keep calling him like Joshua Koontz or something like they change it like ever so slightly yeah they do and it's like a painting of um he has like a lot of like expensive art and including one huge painting of a man fucking a porcupine and it's like super graphic and like lydia's like oh my god like how much like megan malali and he's like oh it's thirty thousand dollars or three hundred thousand dollars and she's like oh oh, it's $30,000 or $300,000. And she's like, oh my God, like freaking out about the money.

Well, he has like a fish tank that's just iceberg water. Yes. Isn't that the guy who did the big like metallic dog? The big metallic. Oh God. Yeah. His shit sucks. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. His shit is not for me. It might be really good to somebody else. Honestly, the only person I hate more than him is Damien Hirst.

I hate Damien Hirst. Do y'all know Damien Hirst? Uh-uh. Just like that whole group of guys. No thanks. I'm like, I don't get how this is art. I don't like it. And it makes me feel stupid

and you're not by the way that is the goal that's the goal is there to make they're trying to make stuff that you're like oh people i make stuff that people don't get is like then make something different weirdo right right the point of making stuff is that some people get it right caleb for for your reference damien hirst is an artist artist that one of his more famous exhibitions was him just like getting a commission, a bunch of animals to be killed and then putting them in formaldehyde so that you could see their insides. Oh, my God. You know, he's like a really gross person. Yeah. Is he the guy who did the black sheep in the glass case?

Almost certainly. It sounds like him. like there's one that's a zebra there's one that's there's a bunch of whales there was also an issue where like he didn't do the right formaldehyde and like they were rotting i guess i guess the alternative though we have to be kind of happy that he found uh fine arts because the alternative is that he's certainly serial killing other human beings he kills people look the thing is like he could probably do both yeah he might be oh allison's such a good oh that's so true men really can have it all you know yeah he might be artists and serial killers he might be doing everything we don't know he's a real jack of all trades something about his art makes me so mad because i'm like what art is he doing just pouring formaldehyde like yeah he has a lot of time to kill he doesn't

do art he conceptualizes something and then he's like all right guys kill the animals yeah i'm sure like somebody else figured out like what the amount of formaldehyde is and like what the gel they should be like i don't think that he figures out like the chemistry because then he would just be a chemist right there's no reason to do what he's doing if he has the skills to do it none none none we have to go to break so we can tell you about our advertisers they pay our rent but not. We have not made a dime. I know that game. But the idea that they could pay our rent is pretty powerful. That's the promise.

Yeah. That's what keeps us all going. Welcome Bark. Allison. Do you want to give us a bark? Do you want to give us a woof? Woof? bark allison do you want to give us you want to give us a wolf wolf every episode every episode first of all that was incredible every episode we ask the guests if they'll bark for us when we come back and guess what no one likes it oh i thought that was nice every time every time the guests the guests go um what bark surely you're not asking this of me another adult

grown-up human never been never been requested of me before so i'm just unsure how to deliver and you delivered you gave you gave you gave what we needed um wolf oh wait um allison shoppy has a question for you um what is something so embarrassing that you want to delete it from the records you don't want the aliens to know about it it doesn't have to be like the big war famine yeah all that stuff yeah i would assume that we're not gonna relate to them all the accomplishments of the human race um we want them to like us so much i was torn between i'm torn between the two worst things i can think of um one of them is that's your record dude say them both one of them is um you know when you go to a chain like a salad chain uh you know the cubes of ham oh my god why are they wet

every single time i see that in a salad i'm like that person should be in prison like there's just no reason like they're so gross it's so gross they're not even in water they're like they're like it's a it's almost gelatinous what they're in. Yeah, there's something. And like sometimes it's like cubes. And then sometimes it's like clearly sliced ham that they've cut into cubes. So there's like a layer cake element to it. It's so gross looking.

It makes me nauseous. We should get rid of that. I don't want to acknowledge that anyone. And also like, don't even just go get a burger if that's what you're putting on your salad. Like, come on. Like, I love a luxury ham. I like, you know, a homony barrico. But like, I don't get that ham out of here. We don't need that ham.

We don't need anybody knowing that ham has ever existed. Allison, by the way, just put a hole through her wall on her Zoom recording. She's been breaking drywall the whole time she's been talking about the ham. I have my hand like over a candle. I'm just like. And didn't break stride while doing time she's been talking about the ham. I have my hand like over a candle. I'm just like. And didn't break stride while doing it. So strong, by the way. Yeah, this is extremely strong.

The other thing that I think is as disgusting as that is prompt Twitter. Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you. Someone finally said it. Prompt Twitter is the worst thing to have in a twitter since the alt right it is so fucking awful it's so embarrassing it's the most embarrassing people in the world trying to be relatable and be so relatable that they go viral yeah it's like

fame like it's like oh it's like what's the one Eric Alper. It's always like, what's a song you used to listen to in your bedroom. And it's like, fuck off. No, I don't get away. Like, how dare you in my bedroom?

Is it for my bedroom? I listened to it in my bedroom. Goodbye. Like just stop asking. And then it's like, what's a movie that would be better if it was starring a dog. And you're like, shut up.

No, this is not. And it gets worse every day. And there's, and it's like it's really get more creative well and like they're like it has a two-pronged effect either you people not you like none of us would but like people either answer it earnestly which is so humiliating like they'll like quote tweet it and be like whatever i don't even i can't like, my brain doesn't even go there to understand. Dancing on my own by Robin. Yes.

To whatever the question is. Right. To whatever. Yeah. That's just always the answer for somebody. Would be better with a dog. Or people try and be funny. And there's only like four ways to make a joke about a prompt tweet.

Like it's like prompt Twitter only has like four joke options. So it's like, name a song that like played at your prom that made you cry like people would be like uh like you know something terrible they're just like a recording of my mom telling me she hates me and it's like shut the fuck up oh my god grow up if i was your mom i would be pissed that you're online get off like prompt twitter is the way worse terrible modern version of like those emails you would get on AOL like a million years ago that was just like asking you everything about yourself. Do you guys remember those? I don't know if I'm aging myself. I thought you were going to do chain mail when it was like

for this to 15 friends. I'm very old. No eyes, no ears, no mouth, no legs, no hands. She died unceremoniously and she's ready to do the same to you oh my god no there used to be these like questionnaires that would go around um and it would be like favorite color like favorite place to hang out after school like it was it was for like teens and preteens or whatever and this was in like the 90s when i was a teen and preteen so um but at least they were like you know four children like yeah prompt twitter is for like cringy adults oh it's so i hate prompt twitter so much it's so bad twitter almost more than i hate cube tam not quite though not quite not quite hi hi howison oh my god i'm so glad you said this because prompt twitter is it's it's – it speaks for so much more than just what it is.

It also – it's a perfect, like – it's a perfect, like – it's perfectly emblematic of something that makes Twitter awful in general, which is, like, the desperation you can smell on people trying to do numbers. Specifically. Yes. Not trying to do numbers like, oh, I made this video and I think it's really funny. You should – like, that's a different kind of desperation right i want people to see this because if a lot of people see it then i might get to make more of it i get to make more of it that's a different kind of desperation and also one that i think is more acceptable because i'm part of it there's a desperation that's purely based on numbers with like no attachment to self

no attachment to like creativity it's just like wouldn't it be cool if the numbers on this went higher? Yes. It's too great. Can I say something that you both are going to not like? I think that. Allison, what do you think? Oh, okay. Allison, do you think Shelby can say something that we might not like?

I think she can. It's a question of should she? I feel like, yeah, go ahead, Shelby. Of course. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I feel like that is something that they need to know about humans.

No. Shelby, what are you doing? I think they have to know how obsessed we are in that way. What you were just describing, Caleb. I'm like, get up. Let them know. Let them know up front. Shelby, Joelle.

No. I don't know i agree i think that's i think because you you remember that the allison i don't know if you know this or not we've talked about it before um on the pod if you knew it would be separate from listening to the pod um but the the original creators of the records said that like we don't want to send uh stuff to space that like we don't want to send war we don't want to send like famine we don't want to send stuff to space. We don't want to send war. We don't want to send famine. We don't want to send the massive failings of Earth. And I think the human desperation, the modern human desperation for baseless fame,

it's got to be up there with war, Shelby. I got to disagree. Quick pros and cons. Pros. I think it's very emblematic of what humans are. Con? I agree with you on that I agree but I don't think

we need to tell them that they immediately know how to exploit us yeah that's that's what I was saying is we don't tell them we don't tell them that we don't tell them

that we like live and die by like little tiny hearts that show up next to garbage things that we've made like that's not so sad too dark

too dark we have to log off yeah we gotta end the pod we gotta have to log off. Yeah, we got to end the pod. We got to have everybody log off. Anyway, guys, listen to my podcast. Damn. Terrible. Dark.

I mean, yeah, prompt Twitter is definitely, for me, emblematic of a larger thing that's not just even a Twitter thing. TikTok is, I think, inarguably way worse than Twitter about most of these things. I agree. What's next on the record? To, yeah, so let's shift gears. And I'm going to say Yacht Rock.

I think we need to tell them about Yacht Rock, about Steve Winwood and Peter Cetera and Rod Stewart and any duet with Linda Rodstadt. I want the super smooth sounds of the late seventies and early eighties and into the nineties to be absolutely recorded for the aliens. They will have such a nice time getting stoned to it. It's just perfect music to me. I'm not asking what is your favorite yacht rock song necessarily but what do you think is the

most yacht rock yacht rock sound yeah like what is the song that you're like that is yacht rock i do think and i like that i think on an episode of it's always sunny they even like use this as their example and i just think it's a correct one um which is Steve Winwood's Back in the High Life Again. Like, come on. There's a long instrumental intro. No, and why not? And why not be long? I mean, this guy had nowhere to be. Sure.

It reminds me of a Folgers commercial. Yes, exactly. Exactly. It's giving Tarzan to me. I gotta have my morning coffee. I open up a Folgers can. Oh, I know this song we'll open up again i'll be back in the high life again right okay yeah i know

so like that's the vibe i think you know there are a lot there's lots of incredible genres of music but for me personally like this one is like the most pleasant and i really joyful viagra commercial yeah it's grocery store on a thursday afternoon it's just truly like i am i'm 37 um almost 38, shit. And this music is, of course, it predates my adulthood a bit. It's a little bit more for what Gen Xers, I think, would have grown up with more.

But to me, I'm like, I think I'm done with art that challenges me. Oh, yeah, speak on that. I want to buy every piece, I want every this. I think I'm done with thing art that challenges me. Oh, yeah. Speak on that. I want to buy every piece like I want every piece of art in my apartment to be from West Elm. Like I just want it to be like, yes, very soft shapes and like an elegant maple frame. Like I just don't like I want my music to be like so soothing that you don't even know when one song ends and the next begins because they all sound the same. Like I just want I'm I think that that's like a like often overlooked as like shitty art and I think it's like a really beautiful thing that people make is some things that feel comfortable and homey I love that yeah it's so I'm going based on that that Phil Collins is Yacht Rock yeah I think I I think different people will

classify Yacht Rock like some people are think different people will classify Yacht Rock. Some people are like, it's like Seals and Croft, which is a little bit more of the late 70s vibes. But I think that it's more the personalities and the vibe you get from the music. So yeah, absolutely Phil Collins, including his work with Genesis. Including Genesis.

Including Genesis, yeah. Phil Collins through Genesis. What is the next thing on your records um so probably also goes hand in hand with yacht rock uh birkenstocks oh my god i love a burke i love a burke and i like the like red like i just think few specific footwear styles have had the kind of renaissance that the Birkenstock has had in the last five or six years. Like, it was truly like, you know, in the like 90s or whatever, like, they were cool. Like, they were like crunchy, cool or whatever. And like, six years ago, like, Philip Lim or like Saks or like somebody was like, wait a minute, what about a sandal?

And like, then the fashion girls got a hold of them. blim or like sacks or like somebody was like wait a minute what about a sandal and what and like then the fashion girls got a hold of them and it was like such a rebirth for such a specific kind of shoe and now like every woman in park slope wears one and you know you see them on everyone and also they're comfortable yeah they're they're comfortable once you break them in yes and i will tell you i correct i moved to new york uh for a summer my this is the first year this is the first year i lived in new york for two summers in college and the first summer that i went there was like after my sophomore year and my uh my aunt who we love was like i'm gonna send you a gift i want to send you a free clout

no free clout for the girl he's literally bleep it it. I'm sorry. If my aunt wants to be on the pod, she needs to pay up. But she was like, I'm going to send you your first pair of Birkin socks. I was like, okay, sounds fun. Never had a pair. And I didn't know that they were so hard to break. It was like a process to break them in. So I decided to wear them for the first time with, of course, no socks, the way you wear them.

Oh, yeah. Speak for yourself. On a day that... I wear them um uh oh yeah on yourself on a day that right now um but the way that you usually wear them and i i it was a day that i was um i had to leave where i was staying with a bunch of my students um and i was taking them to central park to watch good morning america i believe it was um and we had to leave at like 3 30 in the morning to get there when we wanted to or something and i had to walk through central park all day long and when i tell you i got home at like i don't know 1 p.m after having been out since four in the morning my feet were not only blistered they were fully like bleeding rivers of blood like like it was so bad dude and that now every

time i hear the word birkenstock socks i still wear them but i i go oh no yeah they it is a process uh to bring them into your life yeah but you have to work on it you have to work on it it's a relationship uh but once they are worn in and i love wearing them with socks i think birkin birks i do too now yeah truly like also just like the I was before but like the pandemic really like I just like shut down um any semblance of trying I guess is what I've done and like I leave that and like I also I had spine surgery this year so like Birkenstocks became my best friends because like I didn't have to bend over to put them on I could just like slide them on and kind of shuffle around uh and i just and i love the uh the rubber ones the the eva eva the 40 dollar rubber birkenstocks that are basically open toed crocs and i'm just like let me live in these that's what i was gonna say is that now

now you don't even have to break all of them in because you could get sort of the um the rubber the rubber situation where it's pretty easy yeah those break in pretty quickly unless it's super humid and you're walking around in them and your feet are swelling and then you'll get blisters which happens to me happens to me i will be honest hey i just want to tell you guys if there's if there's room or space for this i didn't like when we called them the rubbies yeah the rubby burkies yeah you know you have to you have to i didn't we called them the rubbies. Yeah. The rubby burkies. Yeah. You know, you have to experiment with things.

I didn't like calling them the rubbies. It doesn't mean that it's wrong. It just means that it's not for me. But I didn't like it. Well, I'll hold space for that. But I also want to hold a little bit of space for Allison to tell us the last thing on her record. The last thing on my record is not a human thing,

but it's the feeling I get when I see it is like an important uh part of my life which is when i see a dog or a cat cross their front paws when they're lying down like they're elegant little gentlemen i mean is anything gentlemen more beautiful than seeing that you're just like oh am i a t or like this is so nice like where's your top hat sir yeah thanks for me. It's just like it shows that they're, you know, they're not too far away from us. They're a little bit human.

I'm all in. I love it. I love dogs and cats. It's so cute. And it like also anytime, anytime a dog specifically, not a cat person personally, but anytime a dog specifically sits, um, not even just in a fancy way, but in like a strange way. I really, for like the frog legs.

Yeah. For like 10 or 15 minutes, I can just look at it and go, you are so strange. I get really like a dad. I'm like, you are really something. Caleb's been just so,

you know, Allison. And so the listeners can know Caleb's been in a bit of a metamorphosis into a dad the past month or so. Caleb saw an apartment with Halloween decorations in New York and turned to me. Other people were in the car, turned to me specifically, his daughter, and said, pretty cute decoration show. Earnestly. I do catch myself very earnestly lately being like, God, this weather is really something to write home about. It happened.

He wasn't being sarcastic. He wasn't doing a bit. He wasn't putting on a facade. Allison gets me. I understand. Look at those decorations, Shelp. Sweet.

I am similarly turning into my father in ways that, like, I now like can't leave the house without touching every appliance and going off, off, off. Okay. Like that's like,

which my dad used to do. He off okay like that's like all right all right all right which my dad used to do he's like he's like are there any lights on and i'm like nope like it's just like i've become i think it's just like understanding like why adults uh have any responsibility versus when i was a child being like why are you freaking out about the oven it's like because you shouldn't leave it on all day because we have to that's why we have to freak out we have no choice um but those little and just like those comments like i do the thing when i'm like shopping sometimes and i'll be like you know looking at a shirt and i'll like see the price and i'm like not worth it like just like i can hear my mother be like what are you even paying for for that like it's just being

like for a shirt i mean mean, putting it down. I've started kind of to that effect. Um, what I consider to be a very like my parents thing, um, of bringing other people in on it, like bringing other people. I'll be at a store.

I'll be like a grocery store or something. No, not this, not this, not this, not this. You know, I'll be at a grocery store or something and I'll,

and I'll see something that like it doesn't look right. Or, you know, I'll say, I'll say I'll grab like a box and be be like i'll turn to the person next to me and just start telling them about it like i'll be like i'll be like i don't know about these you ever had them like people especially in la people be like what like they're not into it they don't want to speak to me no and i love talking to people in public i do too in that like in that

kind of context yeah yes like on my terms yeah when i'm in charge yeah exactly exactly exactly when something weird happens in a public space like in a grocery store like someone comes into the aisle does something weird and then you get to have like a moment with the other people in the aisle where you're just kind of like what that's one of my favorite moments that has to go on my record i think it has it's one of the best moments you can have as a human being we We missed it for, like, I just remember, like, there were so long where we didn't have that. Like, at the beginning of the pandemic, I felt at least, like, I remember the first time I had that again at a grocery store. Because, like, even for a while, once you were still going to a store again, like, everybody's

like, mask on, eyes down, like, minimizing the time. Nobody was being that weird. No. But then once people started kind of loosening up a little bit and being themselves again i had that moment at a whole foods and this woman who was working there and i just like made eye contact and i was like what even is happening and she's like yeah i don't know like just like it was so i felt like i was coming home again yeah yes there's like someone does something weird grocery stores i think are like wonked for it or like a mega like a walmart or like a costco or something but yes like some big store where like you do sort of have private like you

think you're alone in an aisle you're like no one's here and then doing something someone does something weird because they kind of forget they're in public and then they leave and you just get to be like and now we are family to the other people in the aisle you're like for the rest of this trip we actually came here together you're my friends I see them in the aisle. You're like, for the rest of this trip, we actually came here together. You're my friends. I see them in another aisle. We smile again. Yes. It's like this guy again. Yeah.

You're like, oh, hi. You're friends now. You're in line and then you have to make some joke about it. I love that. It's so good. I love that feeling so much. If we can squeeze that onto the record, I think it has to be on there.

I'd love to. I think we got it on. Yeah, just under the wire. Great. Great. Allison, you've been incredible. This has been so much fun what a delight thank you so much for being on thank you for having me uh please tell people not only where they can find you but tell them about maybe a little bit about the pod ruined ruined is uh it's a horror comedy podcast uh my friend hallie keifer very obsessed with horror movies. I am terrified of all of them, but I make her tell me

the plots to every movie so that I can know what happens without ever having to watch it. So there's really something for everyone in there and she's so funny. And that's called Ruined

and it's at at Ruined Podcast on Twitter and Instagram. And we're doing a live show, depending on when this comes out, October 25th. So it'll be out great it'll be online you can buy tickets it's up for 72 hours it's a fun time uh and then me personally

i'm a stand-up in new york so you can come see me um and you can find me at alison liby on twitter and instagram yeah usually hanging around union hall that's where you can find me yeah i'll be at union hall i'll be at the shuffleboard place. I'll probably be at Union Hall. Yep. Yep. Well, thank you, Allison. Thank you so much.

Ciao. Bye. That was a Hiddem original.