Keeping Records - In the Terrarium (with Vinny Thomas)

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

Caleb and Shelby invite comedian and writer Vinny Thomas into the gauntlet (our recording studio) to find out if he can survive an hour in the hottest room known to humankind (the Headgum AC was broken). See which of the following symptoms of heat stroke according to WebMD.com you can spot amongst the three of them throughout the duration of the episode:  Confusion, altered mental status, slurred speech Hot, dry skin or profuse sweating Very high body temperature Low-key delirium  Picking fights with animals for no reason Picking fights with your co-hosts/guests for no reason Vinny's Artifacts We Belong Together (Mimi’s Late Night Valentine’s Mix) (Audio) Fatal Attractions (2010-2013) (TV Show) What Would You Do with John Quiñones (TV Show) Seeing a parrot in LA (Birdwatching Experience) Follow Vinny on Twitter and Instagram.  Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. Before you begin this podcast, I want you to walk over to your thermostat. If you're in a hot place, turn it off. If you're in a cold place, turn it all the way up. That's how you're going to understand the content best. This podcast is best listened to sweating. I love you guys. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them

and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa. Hola y saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants

are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Shelby? Shelby? Caleb? Oh, I couldn't love you more if I tried, girl. How you doing?

How you been? Listeners, mere seconds before we started this recording, Caleb said I had gravy face. Is that what I said? He said my face turned from a glow to a shine like what happens when I had gravy face. Is that what I said? He said my face turned from a glow to a shine like what happens when you leave gravy out for a long time and it congeals.

And our producer Casey agreed. Listeners, I want to give you some context. Every time we come into our studio, HeadGum and its affiliates, Casey and Anya, have made it five degrees hotter.

And I'm not saying it's on purpose. I don't know if it's intentional. All I know is there's a history. I'll say they seem to have a hard time turning it down. Yeah. A second ago, we asked them if they could turn the AC on,

and they told us it would take two hours to kick in. Something that's never happened to me in my house. I used to work at a heating and air conditioning company. I've never heard of anything like this in my life. So what I said was, Shelby originally when she walked in

was glowing from sweat. After being in here for a little bit in a sweatshirt, I'll say. Her skin started to look like yes, when you leave gravy out and it develops sort of a film on the top. That's what I said. He called me gravy face.

Gravy face. Gravy face is a better way to put it, if anything. Because that's a brand. And if you want to make it in this industry, honey, you've got to have a brand. If you want to make it in this industry, honey, you've got to have a brand. And even gravy face can work. If you work it. Gravy face can work if you work it.

If you have gravy face, you can be the face of a gravy company. Gravy face can work if you work it. Gravy Face can work if you work it. If you have Gravy Face, you can be the face of a gravy company. Gravy Face can work if you work it. If you're a gravy company, advertise on the pod. What? Well.

Did you just do an open call for gravy companies to advertise on the pod? Yeah, well, if they want me, Gravy Face, to sort of spread the gospel. Is this one coming out? Is this episode coming out

on this Friday? Guys, if you're listening to. Is this one coming out, is this episode coming out on this Friday? Guys, if you're listening to this the day it came out, come on out to the Elysian Theater tonight for Big Wig. It's gonna be so fun. Shelby will be there. And then on Tuesday night, come on out to Largo. Shelby is on my Largo show, along with Nori Reed, Sydney Washington,

Jake Wesley Rogers, and maybe even some surprise guests. Whoa. Okay, would be a surprise to me, too. It would be Rogers, and maybe even some surprise guests. Whoa. Okay, would be a surprise to me, too. It would be a surprise to you, I haven't told you. But I don't know, we'll see. But yeah, pretty much, yeah, just been pretty much grinding. Yeah, can't stop grinding.

As you know, we... All work, no play. We rode together... Makes Caleb a dull boy. Gravy face, please. As you know, we rode together in my Jeep yesterday. Yeah. And I confided in you that I'm having a little bit of a hard time.

Correct. And I want you to know... What if I started the pod with that? Being like, you confided in me yesterday. I completely out you for having... I said you had a hard time. Well, I'm having a hard time. It would be fine if you brought it up, Gravy Face, because

I want to be open and honest with our listeners. I'm feeling a little freaky deaky with it. Mental health wise. I'm feeling a little freaky deaky with it in terms of my mental health. But I woke up this morning and I walked and got coffee and flowers

and I went home and I wrote on something I've been avoiding forever. And then I cleaned up. Laptop. My laptop. That's how I did it. That's the thing you know. That's how I've been avoiding. No, I know what you meant, Gravy. And I cleaned the house a little bit

and then I took a shower. Call you what? I'll be calling you Grave or Graves or Gravy or Gravy Face or Mix Gravy Face. Graves is a little bleak. I took a shower, you know, shaved and I want you to know. Your skin looks good. Thank you.

Always happens when you shave. Thank you. Thank you. So it's yours. And I feel better. So I think this is just a testament to if you're ever in a space mental health wise where you're feeling a little freaky deaky. Maybe fake smile. Yeah.

Well, it takes more muscles to frown. No. It does. Yeah. What's going on with you? I was vulnerable. Maybe you could be, Gravy. Oh, well.

Anything else? The headlines aren't great, folks. Can we maybe do a B or a C story? The headlines aren't great, folks, but sort of the other stuff would be... A story's pretty weird in your life. A and B, I'd say.

We could get a C or even a runner. I would say I have an A, B, I'd say. We could get a C or even a runner. You could talk about it. I would say I have an A, B, and a C that are not so good. Yeah. But I played a game last night, a board game, that sort of shocked me that it existed. The fast food restaurant with the little dog, Chihuahua. It's been a while since they've really used that, but okay.

But that's the one. Yeah. They have a board game No they don't They do What is it You put down six people And you have to feed them with items From the menu

From the dog restaurant And then you get chips if you get their craving right Okay And then you get points for you get their craving right. Okay. And then you get points for how well you satisfied them. Yeah. It blew my mind that that existed. And the rules were really vague and I was like, well, that makes sense.

This is not what they should be focused on. They do one thing pretty good. Food. Yeah, this is bad that they have this. I agree. New song I've been listening to. Is it the Kalani Justin Bieber? No.

Okay. It's by Jensen McRae. Yes. Good Legs. Is that the one we listened to in the car yesterday? Well, couldn't be playing quieter. It's playing probably in your guys'... When I tell you guys that the way it was playing was as if it was being played seven buildings down.

Yeah. And the heat's gone up, by the way. Yeah, somehow playing that song took enough power out of the computers in the room to raise the temperature in here. I think I learned from you. I think I love the girl you made me. This is hot, right? Yeah.

But I would hurt from you. It's worthy work when I'm busy. OK. She's busy. Here we come. Great. Can we skip forward a little bit on you? To when she says maybe something about legs.

Yeah. same thing. Kind of moved itself. In a new spot. Yeah, somehow you found the exact word later in the song. I got good legs. Good legs. No one's ever told me that before. No one's ever told me that before.

Cute, right? Yeah. How did he say good legs? Nervous Tom. Just some songwriting. What would that look like? Show me. Caleb and I almost kissed yesterday.

Actually, yesterday Shelby and I were sitting in my car. My Jeep more than anything. Jeep Wrangler. And Shelby and I were sitting in my car, my Jeep more than anything, Jeep Wrangler. And Shelby and I were talking and I said, she didn't do anything, but I said, what are you doing? And she said, what? And I said, you just leaned in for a kiss. And then I accused Shelby of leaning in for a kiss while we were alone. I did this bit alone with us.

And then we saw someone that we know not well. Yeah. Not well enough to do the bit. Yeah. I was like, Shelby tried to kiss me in the car. Yeah. Not well enough to do the bit. Yeah. I was like, shall we try to kiss me in the car? Yeah. I'm manifesting.

I'm in a dark place. Well, I'm actually not. Kissing me would put you in a a better place. Hell yeah. Wait, what was I going to tell you? Oh my God, I read

I was going to do it. I read a bad review of the pod. Do you want to hear about it? It really good for you bad for me but it kind of is bad on the pod overall do you want to hear it i don't remember the exact words but it was like it was like it was like some early episodes worth listening to more recently caleb has been saying bad takes and then following them up with an even worse fake laugh. And then it was like, but shout out to Shelby, always perfect. So one of your stans,

one of your stans went off in the reviews. Guys, be nice to Caleb. No, I love it. And if you want to give us five stars to counteract the two stars that that reviewer gave us, go ahead and... And if you want to insult Shelby and lift me up. Five stars for an insult to me. It will hurt me.

But we'll do whatever we have to do for five stars. Five stars and you get to say one thing mean about me. But be gentle because I have the A story, the B story, the C story going on. Don't be mean about Shelby, you guys. Say something, just five stars and then just something you've been stewing on. I'm terrified to bring our guest in here. Because of the heat? Because it's getting hotter.

And I'll say this, their hair looks amazing. Yeah. It's gonna fall. It's gotta. Feel gotta feel this yeah my hair already feels bad imagine going to a rainforest yeah and now imagine and then and then the humid yeah you take the humidity of the rainforest but the temperature of sahara in summer yeah sure it snowed in the sahara this year that's probably good right they said it's happened before. They were like, don't worry. I was like, I am. I don't worry about climate change anymore.

I legitimately don't. Anything I hear, I go, that's probably okay. This is probably the bad takes that they're... That's not a bad take. What am I supposed to do? I can't do it anymore. I was so scared for so long, and now I live free. When they were talking about the bad takes.

I don't think that's a bad take. I think actually we don't have individual power so actually, you know, what am I supposed to do? Just be sad all day? I keep forgetting that you vote Republican. How could you forget that? That's one of the big...

Guys! We are so excited for our guest today. You didn't know him from being really funny on the internet. Oh, my God. That might have been your intro. And in person. He used to perform at IO Chicago, Second City. Chicago.

Chicago. Contributing writer to Wait, Wait. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Now he lives in Los Angeles, and you can see him all over in LA. You name it. Our guest and friend. And friend. And friend. Our guest, but more it. Our guest. And friend. And friend.

And friend. Our guest, but more importantly, a friend. Our friend. He's a guest. And someone that we're about to put in a really tough spot by bringing him into the studio. He's a guest. He's a guest. And he's our friend.

He's a friend and he's soon to be our torture victim. Please give it up for Vinny Thomas. Oh my God. Can you believe we're here? What the fuck? What the fuck, Vinny? Vinny in the room for the first time. Welcome to our sauna.

Yeah, it's so, and what's crazy is- Getting hot with keeping record. There's not a lot of moisture here, but it's just from us, I guess. But it's so muggy. Yeah. What you're picking up on is the particles in the air from the human body. Spit and sweat and things like that. Dead skin.

It's giving collaboration. Yeah, it's really giving collaboration. It's giving when you put the first thing in a bag. Yeah, the human being is the project. It's actually... It might be good for the energy of the pod. I'm feeling delirious. I'm on like a, you know when they go in a steam room to have a trip? When they, like at Steamworks?

The people, yeah. The gay people. The gay people, you know? You know gay people. We're taking in carbon dioxide and we're all like, woo. What'd you say? Nothing. Okay. We're taking into account carbon dioxide. We're all like, woo. What'd you say? Nothing.

Okay. Shelby earlier told me, Vinny, you're not going to believe this. Getting hot. Shelby earlier told me that my skin looked like gravy. No way. Shelby goes, you look like your skin looks like gravy as a filmmaker. And I'll get Casey to sort of back me up here because he owes me one. Caleb said, you have a beautiful glow when we first got in. Yeah.

Thank you. It's really nice. Uh-huh. He said that to you. That's really nice. That was the first thing he said. Can you imagine her calling me gravy face? No.

Now, hold on. Then time passes. The room gets hotter, as it seems to do. And Caleb says, your glow has turned into more of a shine, like what happens when you leave gravy out and it develops a film. So Caleb called you greasy gravy. And then Casey said, yeah, you are shiny. You know what? I don't want to take a side.

Oh, it feels really obvious to take mine. Well, for me, Caleb is looking matte right now, surprisingly so, which is crazy because I'm greasy. You're greasy. We're both shiny. I just don't know what's... I'm greasy. You're greasy. And Caleb is still matte.

So, like, I don't know how that's happening. What is on your face, Caleb? Do you have something on your face? I am wearing glow screen. That's what it is. I am wearing glow screen and that's probably why. I didn't put glow screen on today. Yeah.

I haven't. Never leave the house without putting on your glow screen. In LA? You've got to put on your glow screen. That's what it is. I am wearing glow screen and that's probably why. I didn't put glow screen on today. I haven't! Never leave the house without putting on your **** glow screen. In LA? You've gotta put on your ****. If you're not putting **** up on your face... And we'll bleep that, of course. No free clout for the girlies. Yeah. Vinny, when did you move to LA? It's got an exclamation point in it. I moved to LA in

January. You will always, by the way, have to be talking over one of us. Oh, yeah. That's just gonna happen. See, I'm waiting. I'm sitting away from our gap. I'm like, they're gonna welcome have to see I'm waiting But apparently it's not gonna pan out cuz y'all are having a little tiff a little argument a little Disagreement it's not even just that we're having a disagreement though. We are it's yeah No matter what rejected a kiss from yesterday one of us always in the background sort of what if I was a little dog You know doing some kind of background bit. It's a bad podcast, Vinny.

Five stars if you, five stars saying you disagree. Five stars saying you think it's a perfect podcast. Prove me wrong. Wait, what's Vinny's camera? Why do you keep freezing looking at the distance? What's that? Were you having a flashback? What's going on? It goes on YouTube.com.

It goes on YouTube.com. Vinny, if you ever want to address the audience, you can look at number one. I can look at number one. Yeah, is there one's been the weirdest experience? It goes on YouTube.com. Vinny, if you ever want to address the audience, you can look at number one. I can look at number one. Yeah, is there anything you want to tell our audience? Do you ever want to talk directly to them? Yeah, I'm trapped, bitch. I'm trapped, bitch. The way I'm just, I'm fully just trapped in a terrarium.

I'm not going anywhere, man. I'm going to be here, bitch. I'm going to do the pod. I committed to it. It's the rest of it. Welcome to Getting Hot with Keevin Records. A hot show with even hotter questions. You want to do it?

Yeah. I love how you say it with grit. Like you're just a lady at a gas station. Well, that time I brought in Hot Ones by Sean Evans. Was he here? No, I was. Shelby and I were talking yesterday about how, you know, when you go to kiss someone and maybe sometimes because you have to lean sometimes, you have to

bolster yourself with your arms a little bit? As someone who is 5'7", yes, I know what it's like to hoist myself up to kiss someone. Well, me, someone who's 5'1". The specific motion of being like you're in a car and you're about to kiss someone, you're like, oh, this is so much fun.

Because of the divider? Yeah. You know what? It's worse when there's stuff in the car too and you're like, you gotta put something aside. Yes. Oh, Lord.

And you have to reach, like here there's sometimes not, like there's nothing there. You have to go all the way to like where there's like a ledge. You have to go, you have to go like behind your back and be like,

you're like, I literally had such a good time with you tonight. No, me too. Could you imagine? Wait, could you imagine if you were about to kiss someone in the car like that and they pulled a little lever on their shit and they just like pushed themselves back

and chased. Swerve. Like just out of range. And then when they're laid back they say come and get it. So you have to not only do the hoist but you have to do the hoist as well. Yeah, yeah, because like I like to be chased. I call that a hoist. Ew, Vinny. Well, no, just like you like to be chased. I call that a voice. Ew, Vinny. Well, no, just like,

you like to be chased, you know what I mean? So I'm just gonna, like, lean away slowly. You know, you know how you might like to be chased. You know, as one does. As one might like.

Yeah. I like to be hunted. Hunted. Well, not romantically, just like on an island by Kim Kardashian. Yeah, Caleb and I recently went on a trip

to... Where were we? Oh, they're gonna make it up. Is it a real place? I don't know what she's doing. on an island by Kim Kardashian. Yeah, Caleb and I recently went on a trip to, where were we? Oh, they're gonna make it up. Is it a real place? I don't know what she's doing. Well, we went on a trip where we paid a lot of money for people to hunt us,

and it was sort of a Hunger Games type of thing. Oh, yeah, no, that's real. But they, we flew, the reason I'm so confused as to where it was is because they flew us somewhere and then they drove us really fast so that we couldn't get out. Like, we didn't know, we couldn't know our surroundings. Yeah, I've been there.

And what you have to do is you have to set like little booby traps. You have to dig pits. Yeah, we were doing snares and stuff, yeah. Well, and you also have to leave little clues of where you've been so if you get separated

from your partner they can go, oh, she was here or something like that. You guys had a partner, huh? Yeah, each other. Yeah, just each other. I love that.

Botanic. Exclusively. It's platonic. We don't kiss. Because I said they're lost in the woods. They're being hunted. This is desperately intimate. Yeah, it got really platonic.

Do you guys... Something about... I just caught up to that. Yeah, it was so bleak. It got extremely platonic. Do you guys... Okay, wait. Picture in your heads.

Picture in your heads right now the person you least want to fuck in the whole world. It could be for whatever reason. Politics, the way they look. I'd be like, Mike. That's fine. Do what you have to do.

Yeah. Do what you have to do. You're picturing them? I think I am, yeah. Now imagine you've been stranded together, just the two of you on an island for two years.

Do you fuck them? No, I would eat them first. No? No, you guys have food and everything. That's two years. Do you fuck them? No, I would eat them first. No? No, you guys have food and everything. That's not necessary. Oh, okay. You have food and everything. The island's not like, you know, like, plenty of food.

No, you know what I would do is I would, I would, one of us would have to be buried in the sand with just the hand out. I just, I'd use the hand. Why the hand? Not even the mouth? Because that, to me, would be like, even if it's a person who I hate. Well, the mouth, you gotta see the rest of it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

No, you can get just the lips out of the sand. The lips are the worst part of the person I'm thinking of. I'm not gonna just see the lips. That's actually that's something I need to know. I'm like truly I don't want a Spiderman kiss

to this person. Yeah. It's not gonna pan out. Yeah. Huh. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't touch him. You wouldn't touch him at all?

No. I maybe would let them watch me masturbate or something. As a treat for them? Maybe. Because in this situation. Maybe if they needed it to keep things pleasant on the island. But you wouldn't enjoy it at all?

No, I'd be like, oh my God. It's a chore. I'd be like, ugh, here we go. Fine, you're a little porno to the person. Fine, you get to watch me. Fine, you get to watch a little. Yeah, look at me. You get to watch me rub one out.

Let me do my little dance. Let me do my little show for you again. Do you guys think we should bring this back? Didn't I do that to you recently? Did you? Yeah. Or I did it to someone and they were like, that is. Do we do that on the pod?

I don't think. You know where it was? Was it at. Then you know what we're talking about. Yeah. Back in the day, people used to be like that. Or like when someone was really full of themselves. Yeah.

Like that. That's pretty cool. It was a big deal when it happened. Everyone's doing it. Yeah. I think if you stood on the surface of the sun, it would be colder than what I'm experiencing right now. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Just to get back to the hand gesture, I feel like, Shelby, can I see your form? I just want to see the form. Well, can I tell you something that I was thinking of before you said that? And it's going to play in.

There's a second you could go too long where it's no longer funny. It's really disturbing. Well, there's also an intensity. It has to be kind of loose, but if you're like... Yeah, and you know

what else? And then you quiet. To go... It's too long. You also can't appear to delight in it, right? Like you have to like roll your eyes Yeah, to be like To get your focus

Like roll your eyes No, what doesn't work is this Yeah, you can give him one of these This is cool Like that Yeah But if you're like If it's a sport

And then it's You can't have a release No You can't be like Yeah It's a sport. And then you can't have a release. No. You can't be like. Yeah. The way you can take no pleasure in it. It's just being.

What if like the whole time. What if there's a ghost on the other end of that every time you do that? And they're like trying to catch it. I'm sorry. Sorry. They're trying to catch whatever's coming out. No, truly. The ecto.

I'm having to pat myself down. Is it that damp? I like it. Y'all don't like, because you know what I feel like is a Baptist minister. Yeah. I feel like a pastor. I feel like I'm tending to my flesh.

You've got the heat of God in this room. Why are you breathing? Why are you fully panting? I'm laughing. Shelby's trying to dissipate heat like a dog or a crocodile. I'm panting. Like leaving her mouth open. Why are you wearing a sweater? like a dog or a crocodile. I'm panting.

And, like, leaving her mouth open. Why are you wearing a sweater? You're also wearing a sweater. Yeah, well, at this point, I can't take it off. Why? Do you have a shirt underneath it? Do you not have a shirt underneath it? I have a shirt on underneath it, absolutely.

It's actually from my friend's deli. Free clout for the girlies. No. Martha's Deli. No, it's fine. What if Martha's, like, a sweet old lady? No, I think Martha's in Minnesota, right? Yeah, Minneapolis.

If you're in Minneapolis, go ahead and get a sandwich from Martha at Marty's Deli. Vinny, do you have any friends who are deli owners that you want to shout out? Well, look, I don't remember the name of her deli, no. But my mom used to take me into this. My grandmother's Italian. Where are you going? Don't worry about her. Don't worry about her. Don't worry about her.

Shelby can't stand to hear about Italian. I was about to say she gets up and walks away. Shelby, Shelby y'all didn't hear but she went ugh. She said ugh. Vinny said

my grandmother's Italian and Shelby said I can't do this. But they used to take me into this one lady's deli and it reeked of salami. And when I was younger, like, I'd walk back there, and I thought she was taking me away from my mother every time. So I'd, like, be, like, bawling, looking at these meats hanging in the frozen section of this woman's deli.

And I don't know if she's alive or dead. That woman? I don't even know her name. What age would you say that she was when you were going in there? Oh, Lord. I'd say, like, 60. So she's gone. Yeah, she passed away.

Did she pass away? She's passed. I love Oh, Lord. I'd say, like, 60. She's gone. Did she pass? She's passed. I love her, though. I wish her the best, but, you know, she has passed. Vinny, do you have any enemies? Do I have any enemies? Yeah, that you want to bring up? Yeah, right now, just the ravages of the environment, I think, it's the big one.

What do you mean? The temperature. In the room. Yeah. I thought you meant globally. Oh, yeah. And I was going to say, that really ties us back. Yeah.

Climate change is an enemy, for sure. And also, people who steal. Have you been robbed recently? Or are you just thinking generally? No. Oh, you know what? I do have an enemy. My phone is cracked.

Do you see? Do you guys see my phone is cracked? And it's because someone rode past me on one of those little scooters very quickly while I was on the phone. They knocked it out of my hand. What the little scooters did to us as people is they've given us so many embarrassing like mishaps. There's nothing to get like hit by a bike or a car. It's like, okay, do you like hit by a little scooter?

Well, I've seen businessmen in suits riding those scooters. And that's awful. And that is so troubling. Going to their little meetings? Yeah. Or wearing a little backpack, too. I'm like, businessmen, we're never supposed to ride a scooter. Can you imagine driving in your car?

You're a businessman. Okay. Okay. Try and imagine. Shelby, I'm going to cut you off. Penny, you had something? Yes. Sorry, I'm going to cut you off. So there's a businessman. Sorry, I'm going to cut you off. Vinny, you had something? Yes. Sorry, I'm going to cut you off.

So there's a businessman. Sorry, I'm going to cut both of you off. Sorry, I'll cut both of you off. Vinny, you had something. I did have something, but I don't want to. No, I'll throw over to you, Vinny. Okay, great. And I'm going to catch it, and I'm going to say, what if your lawyer was writing it?

I'm going to cut you off, Vinny. Okay, that's perfectly fair. What if you're a businessman? You're driving your car. Let me cut you off. No problem. And then you see another businessman on a scooter, and you're like, Vinny. That's perfectly fair. What if you're a businessman? You're driving your car. Let me cut you off. No problem. And then you see another businessman on a scooter and you're like, oh well. Stop right there.

Vinny, you had something? Vinny, you had something? We're not going to do that. I'm sorry. I can't. I'll steal that from you. Yeah, take it. So then you see another guy and you go, loser.

And then you walk in and that guy's interviewing you. Right. That would be really funny, Vinny. Do you have something that you wanted to finish yours? you. Right. That would be really funny, Vinny. Do you have something that you wanted to finish yours? Shelby, your thing would be really funny. Vinny, did you have something you wanted to do? Do you have a hand fan or something? I'm honestly, I'm not feeling well.

Honestly, very hot. But I think it's good for the pod. But Vinny, I want you to finish your thing. No, now the bit is, well, I was gonna, what's the matter with you? You got water in the mouth? Shelby's gotten more red

every second. You can't leave it in there. You gotta spit it out to finish it. You have to make a choice. Girlie. Girlina. Girlie.

Girlie. Swallow it or spit it out. Thomasie, girlie. You were making me laugh, makes it harder, and then, you know, thinking about it too much makes it even harder to swallow. Thomas-y, girly. You were making me laugh. Makes it harder. And then, you know, thinking about it too much makes it even harder to swallow.

Yeah. Been there. Vinny, you wanted to finish your thing? I really didn't. Okay, no worries. Praise God. I was just going to say, what if your lawyer showed up in a suit? That would be weird. It would be fun, but it's not as funny as the bit. What if your lawyer showed up in a suit?

Period. Cut it out. And we didn't even let him get that far. It was one sentence. Vinny said, what if, we said stop. Can you imagine?

Stop right there. Vinny, hey, we brought you here for a reason. Thank you. NASA has asked us to do something. Yeah, we're working for NASA.

And I, if I pass out during the episode, it's not because I'm not having fun. Wipe the sweat off his eyebrows. And I, if I pass out during the episode, it's not because I'm not having fun. Wipe the sweat off his eyebrows and straighten them out. I really don't feel well.

What did you say? The goop glow? The goop glow screen. She's disappearing. Yeah. She's fading away. Her work is, her work is done.

Don't change anything. Don't change anything. This episode is going to be what it's going to be. And it's hot in the room and it's going to stay that way. Take off your sweaters. Vinny, what would you put on your own golden record if we were going to make a new one today? Golden record.

Sorry, did I all that? Wait, are you selling livestock? What was that? What would be on your golden record? Oh, my golden record. Yeah. Should I just, I'm going to start with one thing. Yeah, whatever your one thing is. Cool. I would say, what would you do with John Quinones?

Fucking incredible show. Yeah. What would you do if you were trapped in a room with two insufferable comedians and the temperature was 110 degrees? I don't know, but I'm going to find out today. I love that show. Yeah. Have you guys seen the viral clip

where the woman with blue hair gets up and walks over to that kid and goes you're bi yes that's like

one of my favorite things that show in general is just crazy because they get these actors they'll get like a white lady actor sit in a restaurant

and they'll just be like say the most racist thing you can imagine say the most racist possible thing you can imagine can you the most racist possible thing you can imagine. Can you imagine getting cast and being like, no problem? Being like, it's no big deal. They really do have them do the most fucked up.

It is terrible. And then, like, see, and it freaks me out because I always have to wonder, like, if I hear something going down, like, am I on that show or not? Right. Because you don't want to be the person who doesn't do anything. But I know I would be that person. Benny. I wouldn't say anything. Are you kidding me?

If I saw two gay people kissing and some white woman was like, that's disgusting. Stop. I would be like, none of my business. You know what? I came here for a grandstand. Not my monkeys. Not my circus. None of my business.

He goes, sometimes it can be. That show has changed the way I live my life, genuinely. I've put myself in the middle of dangerous conflicts. That's true. Once in North Hollywood when Caleb and I lived there, there was a fight down the street and Caleb got involved. I almost got life, genuinely. I've put myself in the middle of dangerous conflicts. That's true. Once in North Hollywood when Caleb and I lived there, there was a fight down the street

and Caleb got involved. I almost got my ass beat. I broke it up. These guys were not well. We love police Caleb. Yeah. Well, no, actually. No, this was community.

They were trying to get the police involved and Caleb was like, no, no. The woman who runs our building was trying to call the police and I was like, bitch,

if you don't put that phone away. And then she did it anyway when I was over there getting my ass kicked. These guys were, these guys were fighting so hard. One of them pushed me into a hot grill, an operating grill with food on it. I said, wait a minute. And then they were punching the fuck out of each other.

I broke them up. Some other guy came over and said, oh, that's John. He does this all the time. So he's always fighting people in the neighborhood. I come back. She has called the cops. They're here. The cops are there now. And by this time, your hand that's John. He does this all the time. So he's always fighting people in the neighborhood. I come back, she has called the cops. They're here. The cops are there now. And by this time, your hands broiled.

And now I look like I started the fight. Have I ever told you the time that I accidentally sat on a grill? No. You sat on a grill like a George Foreman or like a big grill? Big grill. I always had a birthday party. Summer birthday party.

I had a pool party at someone's house. How old were you? Young. Okay. Okay, no worries. Like, probably like eight. Young enough to not know the difference between a grill and a couch? No, I would say I was old enough.

Okay, got you. To know the difference. Was those big grills, by the way? Big grill. Was those big grills? You gotta stop. He said it was a big grill. Was those big grills? gotta stop he said it was a big grill was those big grills

you know wait was there food on it wait no so I was at a pool party it was my sister's friend's birthday party yeah

and my mom it was one of those ones where like the parents have a party inside the kids are outside do you know what I'm talking about with an operating grill on a pool

so my mom brought they had like a lifeguard or something but I don't know it was like some other teen me, they had like a lifeguard or something, but I don't know. It was like some other teen from the neighborhood that was a lifeguard.

Yeah, Vinny. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. They had a lifeguard. It's crazy. Shelby had a different kind of situation going on.

It wasn't my birthday party. I'm saying though, to live in a, like did you ever go to a kid's birthday party where somebody had a lifeguard? Not unless it was at the public pool.

At the public pool, right. So it's like a different thing, yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, so I'm sure they threw him 30 bucks. Right. It's not like they the public pool. At the public pool, right? So it's like a different thing, yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, so, I'm sure they threw him 30 bucks. Right. It's not like they got paid well.

It's just that they were like, we're going to have a lifeguard so we can party inside. That's a different thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was probably just a teen, too. You know what I mean? Like, who knows if the lifeguard

could even save anyone? I'm telling you, absolutely, it was a teen. I've seen the pictures. They are not bought mid-size. Because here's what I would have done. I would have cheaped everyone. I would have been like,

I would have just hired a teen from the neighborhood to dress like a lifeguard. Yeah. These kids aren't going to drown. Not for real. Could have happened. You just need to look expensive. Also, you don't need training to save a kid from drowning.

No. You need training to save a kid from the ocean. It depends how long they've been drowning. I think you just need to convince the kid to believe in themselves. I think if it's just they're starting to drown, no skill needed. Yeah.

They're at the bottom of the pool. We got to get a little skill in here. Here's the skill you need, Shelby. You need to throw something out like that. Right? Like the little tire. If they're doing this, yeah, give them a little. Yeah.

And then pull the thing in. Anyway, it started raining. Love it. Fuck. This was my sister's friend's party, so there was only one other girl my age there. Yeah. And we were hanging out, and we found a... Yeah, this doesn't make me look smart.

We found a part of the driveway that was warmer than the rest of the driveway. And y'all basked like lizards? So we were standing there just being like, it's freezing in the rain. Yeah. I leaned back, didn't really think about it, to sit back. Thought there was a counter or something. No, that was a grill. Turned it on.

It was on. Burnt my butt. Had grill marks on my butt. counter or something. No, that was a grill. Turned it on. It was on. Burnt my butt. Had grill marks on my butt. Had freaked out. Ran, jumped into the pool. Came out of the pool and was like sort of in a state. Went to my mom, who made me moon the entire adult party because she thought it was so funny.

Well, what right? Taking a turn. Tell her to take me to the bathroom. Well, if your kid's got grill marks on their ass, you've got to show the party. I was about to say, yeah, because for me, I'm imagining more of a Looney Tunes situation, wherein, like, you sit in the grill, and then you're like, and then you're asking him,

and then it's smoking, right? And then when I jump in the pool, it goes, and then a thinner layer of, like, steam smoke comes out. And then your mom brings you in, and she's like, did someone order ham? And she pulls your pants down. And it's on a platter.

Yeah, it's two grilled ass cheeks on a platter. Like an apple on each side. But unfortunately, this is something that did happen to me. And so it was less that and more just like I was in pain. And then I went inside seeking comfort from my mother. And then got laughed at by a bunch of adults. Are you okay now? Do you still bear the scars?

Yeah, I think it's okay. I think I might have scars, but it's hard to see. Doesn't it feel good to get the laugh, though? Now? You guys didn't really laugh that hard. I laughed. No, I'm talking about the adults in the room. I didn't really realize what was going on.

Okay. I was sort of in a trauma response. Yeah. Well, what would you do with John Quinones? What's up, Anya? Ad break, please. Ad break? Not yet. No, Anya? Ad break, please. Ad break? Not yet.

No, we have to take an ad break. Hey, everybody, these are the ads, and we want to thank our advertisers so much for supporting us. No, we're not held hostage. I can't believe y'all still put ads on this. I hope you do more, actually. Yeah, I hope you do more, but after Tam's episode, I can't believe it. Break.

Welcome back to the pillow squat. Oh, my God. do more, but after Tam's episode, I can't believe it. Great. Welcome back to the pillow squad. Oh my god. You said the pillow squad? Squad? It can't even be a squad. I don't have a pillow. This guy's the pillow squad. Oh, okay, yeah. And I'm like interviewing you guys. Welcome back to getting hot with

keeping records. The hot show with even hotter questions. Welcome back, you guys. How do you conjure that hoarseness in your voice when it sounds like truly you're in rural Nevada at a gas station? Welcome to Gibbon Records, keeping it hot with Gibbon Records. Hell yeah. We get hot questions and even hotter topics. Caleb's buying it. He's buying what you're selling.

I'm vibing with it, yeah. We love to have you on, Vinny. And we're ready to keep talking about it. What would you do with John Quinones? Listen to this witch from the gutter of New Jersey. I'm just like. I'm vibing with it. I fuck with her.

Look, What Would You Do With John Quinones is an incredible show that changed how I live my life. Yeah. That's what I will say. Do you think that was the point? I don't know, but it worked. I legitimately, I know. I do things differently now based on the idea that I might be on that show. Because I'm not going to be the white person who stands in the corner and doesn't do something.

And then when they interview me, I have to be like, I don't know. Oh, gosh. What was I supposed to do? I mean, I disagreed with her, but I felt like, let's not make it worse. You know, that kind of shit. Where they try to be like, I didn't want to escalate. No, I did think it was wrong. Of course I thought it was wrong. It wasn't my problem. I'm sure if you look at the tape,

my face looked displeased. Yeah, I look shocked. I look shocked. I was shocked. I was absolutely shocked. And I disagreed, but, you know, what would happen if I got in? Yeah. But at the same time, it was icky to me. It was icky.

It closed me out. And meanwhile, it's like a completely racist interaction. A support group of all people who didn't do something. I think my favorite one was when they got young actresses to pretend they were teens outside of a cigarette store. Someone that sold cigarettes. Now I'm hoarse. Someone that sold cigarettes.

And the teens just asked this. They asked random people to buy them vape pens, right? Sure. Yeah, so they ask this woman to buy them a cherry something vape pen or vape cartridge. And she goes, yeah, of course. And she just runs in and buys these like 15-year-old vape. Yeah, and walks back out. And then John Quinones pounces on her ass and he's like, why did you do that?

And she goes, no, I'm not doing this. I have to go. And she rolls on her ass, and he's like, why did you do that? And she goes, no, I'm not doing this. I have to go. And she rolls up her window. And that was my favorite one, because like, my word, I would have bought those teens a vape pen. She's like,

they asked. And then to also be like, you're not going to get me. I refuse to be got. Yeah. She just rolls up the window. First of all, have you ever been cornered

by a group of teens? You do what they say. Also, it's vaping. It's not like she bought them like, she didn't buy them like assault rifles. Yeah. She bought them like a vape. You didn't see say. Also, it's vaping. It's not like she bought him like, she didn't buy him like assault rifles. Yeah. She bought him like a vape. You didn't see the second part of the episode.

She buys him assault rifles. There was an assault rifle episode too, though, I think. I think a dad was bringing his son in. Listen to me. Encyclopedic on this shit. A dad was bringing his son in to buy a gun, and then they get a white lady to go in there and pretend like she hates guns like she's on the side and she goes this is child abuse

like I don't know how you're doing this to your son until like someone else in the gun shop goes like I'm proud of you brother and like shakes the dad's hand for buying the son a gun and we're supposed to be on the gun people side? I think so there's also an episode in my mind now

that I'm making up where two teenagers stand outside of a gun store and they go, excuse me ma'am, we want to get back at somebody at school. And she says,

sure. John Quinones comes out and she goes, not today babe. John Quinones goes, you just gave them an assault rifle and she goes,

I'm not doing this. And then she leaves. She goes, of course I fucking did. They needed it. The situations just get too wild for me. Like I wouldn't doing this. And then she leaves. She goes, of course I fucking did. They needed it. The situations just get too wild for me. Like, I wouldn't buy it.

If I walked into a barbershop and a white woman saw an interracial couple and was like, she's pretty for a black girl. I would be like, oh, she's not a serious person. She's not a serious person.

I'm not going to get into it. This isn't real. She's not a serious person. She's not a serious person. I'm not going to get into it. This isn't real. He's not a serious person. He's not. Not to be taken seriously. This is a bit. See, I would check behind the curtain. She's joking.

Someone's doing something so truly awful, and we just go, she's joking. She's hired to do that. A white woman says that, and Vinny starts going, all the walls are curtains in here. That is good. He's truly always like, him and his whole ass crew are parked either in a van outside

or right in front of the bathroom. You go into a, okay, you go into a restaurant, there's four production vans parked outside. You go in, someone's doing something. He's always being kind of sneaky too. He's like hiding behind the server, the host stand.

Yeah. And he's like, let's see what happens. And it's like, John. My favorite is when he does a little disguise and he joins in. He pretends to be the person that's being attacked. John happens. And it's like, John. My favorite is when he does a little disguise. And he joins in. He pretends to be the person that's being attacked.

John, nobody knows who you are, brother. I was about to say. Unless you've seen the show. Truly. Truly. Which I think everyone has, but not everyone necessarily remembers. I couldn't pick John. I've seen the show a lot of times. I couldn't pick him out of the lineup.

It's one of those shows that's just on when you're at the laundromat or something. You know what I mean? It's just on. Do you guys remember the show Boiling Points? I feel like we're on the show Boiling Points. But I don't know what that show was. I just feel like the title of that show feels a little bit like... It's relevant. Yeah. Because of the heat.

Do you understand? You understand? Can you please understand? Does that register? What's next on your record? Oh, yeah. Bet. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to do this one. I'm seeing a parrot in Los Angeles. Now, can I ask you a question?

Yeah. The last time you saw a parrot in Los Angeles. Yeah. Was there one on either side of a guy's shoulder walking down Sunset? Okay, yeah. There are two situations. That's my fucking guy. Okay, you go ahead.

There are two situations in which you could see parrots. I love that guy. I feel like every neighborhood, A, has a weird parrot person. Really? I feel like everyone has a story, has a weird parrot person. Really? I feel like everyone has a story about someone who lives nearby who walks around with a bird on their shoulder. Right? There's that. And then there are also just loose parrots in the city, like flying around.

Do you think they are native to here or that we did something to deserve them? Oh, no. They were fully just released. Yeah. We did something to deserve them. You know what? Because parrots are exhausting to take care of. I think people buy parrots.

Right? Yeah. And then they just like, oh, geez. You know what? Because parrots are exhausting to take care of. I think people buy parrots, right? Yeah. And then they just like, oh, geez. You know what I mean? This thing needs attention. This thing is like desperate for attention. My mom rescued a parrot once and it was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Truly.

They just let go. Out in the city, you think? Yeah. They just let it go out in the world? They let it fly around. Vinny, you know so much about animals. Yeah. What is that about?

Let me tell you something. I used to want to be a zoologist for years. And I have a ton of just loose information just kind of pent up. The parrot situation is one of my favorite situations. Yeah, the parrot situation in Los Angeles. The parrot situation in Los Angeles, Caleb. Because I think it's crazy. Some of these parrots are endangered in Mexico and Guatemala.

But here they're just popping off. They're eating garbage. They're pigeons here. I like thinking someone who's never been to LA and thinks that our pigeons are just parrots. Truly. Well, it is, according to Vinny. Yeah.

Not in the same population numbers. No, they're not even close. But I like thinking. I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm hearing a question, and other times I'm just like. It's hot. I'm cooking a little bit.

Should I move on to the next thing? Do y'all care about parrots? I'm really interested. And I will say, I saw that guy walking down Sunset with a parrot on each shoulder. Yeah. And I pulled out my phone to take a picture of him. I pulled out my phone because I said, this is so cool. And then I said, don't do that to somebody

and don't also he's not going to know that you think it's cool if he sees you taking a picture so I didn't but then I just remember thinking that guy was walking down the street with two parrots on his shoulder

you know what I'd always be afraid to take out a camera near anyone who has birds that are trained that well yeah because who knows

because one of those bad boys is just going to swoop down and snatch out of your hand grab your phone truly one goes for the eyes one goes for the phone and then they could talk too so who knows? Because one of those bad boys just got swooped down and snatched out of your hand. Grab your phone. Truly. One goes for the eyes, one goes for the phone. And then they could talk too. So who knows?

They swipe it and they call you a little bitch and they take it away and they fly away. Can you imagine if any of these rogue parrots just started talking shit to you? You're walking down the street. I'd kill it. And one of them on the... I'd kill it. If a bird ever talked mean to me, I don't care what the situation is. Really?

If I was in somebody's house and they had trained it to talk mean as like a joke, I would kill that fucking bird. I'm never going to be disrespected by an animal. I will never be disrespected by an animal. I would kill their bird in front of them.

Hold up. Don't train it to talk shit if it can't get killed. What? What Caleb is saying, I think, is basically if the bird can't fight, don't teach it.

Don't teach it to say slurs. Don't teach it to fight. Yeah. Not even slurs. Don't even talk, don't even, don't. So it doesn't even, it could just be. Don't teach it to fight. Yeah. Not even slurs. Don't even talk. Don't even. So it doesn't even.

It could just be. If the bird said shut up. Yeah. It's any level of sadness from a bird. But it has to be an insult. But you wouldn't beat up the bird if you just walked in and it didn't say hello. Right? Like.

Well, no. It has to say something off color to me. Yeah. Like, for example, I walk in. Say something that you think would be rude for a person to say. I'd be like, hey, Vinny, now you be a bird and say something that you think would be offensive to a person. There's a smell. Since you walked in, there's a person to say. I'd be like, hey Vinny, now you be a bird and say something that you think would be offensive to a person. There's a smell.

Since you walked in, there's a smell. That bird is dead. Okay. I kill that bird. Shelby? Hey, Shelby. And then you pretend to be a bird. Say something off-color to me.

Hey, Shelby. Oh. Were you not planning to go outside? You look bad. Yeah, I kill that bird. Yeah, I kill that bird. He's so meek. It doesn't matter because you can tell that he doesn't have respect for me.

What if the bird backed away? It feels like maybe he does. He's scared. What if the bird said something on Shelby's note, said like, oh, you're looking a little depressed, but then it backed off, right? And the bird said, sorry, I didn't mean that. Yeah, there was someone behind you.

Well, if there was someone behind me, I would clarify with the bird first. I would say, are you talking to me or him? Bird can't do that part of the math. So at this point, you're talking about me. Bird only knows so many phrases. You're having a conversation with the bird first. I would say, you talking to me or him? Bird can't do that part of the math. So at this point, you're talking about bird only knows so many phrases. You're having a conversation with the bird. The bird knows five phrases. It knows, you look like shit. I would err on the side of killing the bird. What's up?

Because it shouldn't have been trained to ever talk that way. Then why wouldn't you kill the person who trained it? Yeah, the person who's responsible. Because if they're going to fine you if you kill a bird, they're going to send you to prison if you kill a person. But the bird doesn't really always know what it's saying. But it's not a big deal to me if a bird dies. I feel like kids would insult you, too, in the same way a parrot could insult you.

Parrots have the same amount of intelligence as a second grader. I know that's right. That doesn't actually matter to me. I don't care. I'm sorry. Sorry. You guys don't actually care when a bird dies, do you? Yeah, I think it's important.

Okay. No, but imagine it's not in danger or anything, but was just talking shit to you you're mad that i kill it well to me like i think just conversation i do think you have an illness that wasn't the question i do think i think i think if i were to kill the bird do you think i'm sick for killing a bird that talks shit to me i think the way that you would have to do that is yeah uh unnecessarily sort of grotesque the fact that what do you mean i could is, yeah, unnecessarily sort of grotesque. The fact that, what do you mean? I could just shoot it.

It's just making noise. You could shoot, how close? What do you mean? With like a BB gun from far away. How many BB guns do you have on you, Caleb? At this moment? Yes. Zero.

Look, the fact that you guys, I'm not going to be made to feel weird. If you guys would walk around in the world where birds can disrespect you consequence free, that makes you guys weird. They don't necessarily know that they're doing it. Yeah. T. Like if I said something rude in my phone and recorded it and then played it later, you tell me you killed that phone? You like, you destroyed the device?

No, because that's not a thing that has, that's not. That's sort of what happens with birds. So it has to be a living thing for you to harm it. And so this is where the sickness comes in. This is where the illness comes into play. Because in many ways you are a psychopath. I'm not a psychopath. I'm not going to take joy in it.

Okay, so that's what the psychopath would say. You feel me? You would think I'm covering up for having joy in it. Exactly, yeah. Well, I can't. You can't reason with people who are dedicated to misunderstanding you. Is this gaslighting? Yes. I'm gaslighting you? you. Is this gaslighting? Yes.

I'm gaslighting you? No, I'm gaslighting you. Oh, shit. Yeah. We're both gaslighting each other. Oh, yeah, truly. Wait, that's beautiful. Then what are you doing?

Hanging out. Love it. I'm gaslighting Vinny. Vinny's gaslighting me. Yeah. Shelby's. Chilling. Actually, sweating.

Actually, not chilling. Actually, couldn't be less chilling. Thank you. Vinny, what's next on your record? Yeah, hell yeah. I have, what else? actually wedding actually not chilling actually couldn't be less chilling thank you Vinny what's next on your record yeah hell yeah I have what else

wait don't say yet I want to ask you an important question okay what is something so embarrassing in all of humanity that if you had the chance

you would delete it from the records entirely milk cow's milk okay does that include cheese before we get started that's hard for me why do you say that yeah does that include cow's cheese milk. Cow's milk. Okay. Does that include cheese before we get started? Why do you say that? Yeah.

Answer the cheese question. You know what? First of all, I want to say I do think cheese is delicious. I want to preface that. I enjoy cheese. But if I could delete it, I think I would. I think it's weird. I think it's embarrassing. Okay. Speak up. I feel like if we're putting something out into space for... Why are you doing jazz hands? I'm getting upset.

If you're putting something in space for aliens to discover, I wouldn't want them to know that we domesticated an animal just to suckle from it. I think that's... Suckle from it? Yeah, like we're just drinking... Like, I'm crazy. We don't suckle from it, though!

Okay, but... I'm never mouth-to-tele. I'm never mouth-to-teating. I am never mouth-to-teating. We put it up to a suckling machine. Oh, damn. And we suckle the stuff out. Some of them get it done by hand. Do y'all drink glasses of milk? Are you vegan?

No. Not in so many words. You know what I mean? Now speak on that. Yeah. Like, I would say, like, I don't eat meat, but sometimes I will eat a fish. You know, sometimes I fall off the wagon. That's called pescatarian.

Yeah, but I don't say that. Okay. Because I think that's weird. I want Sarah McLachlan on, and I want to say I love cheese. And I think cheese should exist. Really? And I think it's one of those things that the aliens should have to try as an entryway. I feel like if an alien tried cheese, their gut would inflate into it.

You don't know what their deal is. This is the first time we have ever fought back on a delete it from a guest. This is crazy. Maybe I should do something else. No. You're right to say it. No, you're fine to delete it. I just think it's wild.

I don't want people drinking glasses of milk. I think that's weird. Are you up on that mic? But you should be able to have a milkshake. You should be able to have a milkshake. That's a meter away from that bad boy. You should be able to have a milkshake. Would you at least in fairness also get rid of Oatly ads?

Don't you agree that Oatly ads are good? They're getting a little smug. To the copywriter of Oatly. Get a fucking grip, dog. I saw an Oatly bench ad today that said, does drinking Oatly mean I a fucking grip, dog. I saw an Oatly bench ad today that said, does drinking Oatly mean I have to live in a tree? What the fuck are y'all talking about at this point? Were you by the gym

near me? No, I was in my neighborhood. Oh, because there's one by me. And I see it, I say, how did you even get from A to C? Someone said, does Oatly come with assembly instructions? What is wrong with these fucking people?

I don't know what that means. I don't even understand how, so the ad campaign is infrequently asked questions. Yeah. Sure. I don't get the connection of getting that to Oatly. I have no FAQs about oat milk. Yeah. I have less.

It's like, it's like advertising brought to you by Adult Swim it's the most random fucking shit I've ever heard in my life and Oatly Oatly used to have cool advertisements where they're like

kind of punk rock do you remember the one that was like they won't let us call it ice cream legally we can't call this ice cream because it doesn't have

that was kind of cool yeah you know that was a fun play I was like I fuck with that I could see like Jon Hamm pitching that yeah

you know what I mean like what's up Oat ever since they had the CEO sing on the Super Bowl being like if I fuck with that. I could see like Jon Hamm pitching that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Thank you. He like puts up a board. Ever since they had the CEO sing on the Super Bowl. Being like, if I drink Oatly, do I have to sell my kids to someone? And it's like, what are you talking about? What are you doing? You know what? And I say that like we all hate these, right?

But I'm sure like there's some suburban father somewhere who drives past those billboards and he's like, ha ha. He goes, ha ha. I guess that is infrequently asked. Yeah, it makes his whole day, bro. He makes his whole day. People don't ask that often. But aren't we the target audience for Oatly?

I think so, but let me tell you. Young liberals who live in the city. Oatly is the only. I'll say absolutely me. Oatly is only good for a cereal. Like, it's too sweet. You know what I mean? Some of it's unsweetened.

Oatly, I think it's too sweet for most things. I'm not, like, mixing it into mine. What about the unsweetened ones? I would just drink almond milk. Is that crazy? No of it's unsweetened. Oatly. I think it's too sweet for most things. I'm not mixing it into my... What about the unsweetened ones? I would just drink almond milk. Is that crazy? No, that's not why I'm... Isn't there an environmental impact from almond milk? Yeah, forget what I said.

I actually met cashew or coconut or something else of a different nature. Oh, I would drink almond still. Really? Yeah, because it tastes good. That's the only kind of creamer Caleb likes in the house. Almond creamer at home, yeah. So the only dairy product you eat is cheese then? Or you're an ice cream girl?

I fuck with ice cream. I am a vegetarian that limits her dairy intake, but when it comes to cheese, I'm taking no shortcuts. Well, yeah, because your life is already so limited. A vegan cheese is an assault. Vegan cheese. Is an assault. It's bad. Wait, there's one good kind of vegan cheese. an assault. Vegan cheese. Is an assault. It's bad.

Wait, there's one good kind of vegan cheese. Oh, which one? It's called, stop. Well, now I feel like. Not y'all getting in a real serious. I don't like this at all. Not the tone of the room being brought down. There's only one good one.

Which one? It's called like. It's not Daya. No, Daya's sick. Okay. Daya is sick okay dia is sick and freaky and nasty

and it does the texture of it is like mucilaginous I've never had it you don't want to I don't eat vegan cheese

you have though no on accident secretly has Shelby ever fixed you anything I don't make I make things

with real cheese he's had he's had because I've things with real cheese. He's had, he's had, because I've, I've ordered food in that's had it before. I don't think I've eaten it, babe. Okay.

I will tell you, there is some good vegan food in LA. Yeah. But, I'm just not really down with it. I really like dairy. I really like meat. You from the Midwest,

though, right? Well, you know what happened with cows is that we've made them reliant on us and now it's actually inhumane not to milk them where do you think come on Vinny

fight that fight that now no I actually know this to be true so I'd love to get fought wait hold up what do you think happens to the milk

if we don't like do you think that babies will just refuse to drink it now the way that we've bred cows if we were to just release them

we'd be like fine we're done why would we release we've bred cows, if we were to just release them, it would be like, fine, we're done with them. Why would we release them? Well, I'm saying if we were like, we're done with milk. Yeah, but then why is the inevitable? If we're done with milk, why does the answer to that have to be, well, I guess we're releasing the cows. Well, because now they're not profitable. Why would you keep them?

For display purposes. People that own cows aren't owning them. You've got to give it to them. It's their whole life. Because I would live on a property with life... It's because I would live on a property with like ornamental cattle. Display cows would hit

kind of crazy. Long horns. She's such a... Like, have you heard of the incredible... Right now, the milk... The cows that we have started to breed

produce too much milk for a calf to drink. So they would drink some, but if we... And if you don't milk them, their udders burst. Okay, you're talking about Holsteins. You're talking about the Holstein cattle.

It's a very specific breed. The eat in the room has gotten to a point where... No, I'm talking about Holsteins. Let me tell you something. They don't even care about. Neither one of them cares. But if it's a different breed,

like a Longhorn... Has made you've got someone who's a guest on the pod a different breed, like a longhorn, you've got someone who's a guest on the pod. No, I really care about this. You've got someone who's an incredibly stubborn person. Caleb is sitting here damp. He's going off about this. And it's because of the temperature in the room, I feel. You can see.

You can look at everyone's skin. Shelby said that she believes that cows' udders will explode. They can. Their milk just dries up if nothing drinks it. That is not the argument we're having. The argument we're having is Shelby knows something about cows that she feels really confident about.

And Vinny believes that an ornamental cow. And Vinny was almost a zoologist. So you look at me. I'm on a different chair. I'm on a whole different podcast right now. I'm still really in a place where the heat's making me feel good. But these two are going sort of... The heat is not making you feel good.

I feel incredible. Five minutes ago you were like, I feel physically ill. I'm not going to make it out of the podcast. I surpassed that. I'm on a different plane now. I surpassed... I no longer feel physically ill. I feel physically well.

I'm cool with deleting a glass of milk. I'll say that. Really? Fuck a glass of milk. Yuck. Watching someone drinking a glass of milk, I would say that. Really? Fuck a glass of milk. Yuck. Watching someone drinking a glass of milk, I would say. Okay, then let's just say yeah. I'd say a glass of milk.

There's a time when a glass of milk hits. For the sake of this friendship. There is no time where a glass of milk hits. No, there isn't. There's a time when a glass of milk hits. That is not true. 2004. Yes.

In middle school. Literally that. Wait, did y'all have- Remember how those used to go so hard? Wait, did y'all have specialty flavors of the milk cartons? Because they were testing some out on us, and we had root beer milk and orange milk. Oh, no. Along with strawberry and chocolate.

I had orange for sure. Root beer never made it to my school. There's a farm in Missouri that does really cool, crazy flavors. Name two. Root beer was one of the ones that I remember thinking, that was fucking crazy. And then they did a banana, I feel like, at one point. They do all kinds of- Is like root beer was one of the ones that I remember thinking that was fucking crazy. And then they do they did like a banana I feel like at one point. Is the root beer

I didn't get a chance. So is that sort of like a root beer float but just fully liquid? Yeah imagine if you shook it up. You let it melt. And it was all mixed together. That's a horrible picture. A shaken root beer float. Like the idea of a melted root beer float shaken up and being like...

Glug, glug, glug. That makes me really... Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. No, I really don't. Imagine going on a date with someone. No. And they order a glass of milk.

I'm not going to do that. I won't. The waiter comes. They say, can I get you anything to drink? You say, oh, sorry, just water for now. And they say, actually, can I get a cold glass of milk? What would you do? I would make fun of them in the moment.

I would leave, I think. I think that would be a sociopath. I'd be like, okay. I think on a first date. I'd say, okay, you want mother to bring that to you? You want mother to bring you a cold glass of milk? You would say that to them as the person on a date with them? Yeah, I would.

That would be kind of funny. I think on a first date for someone to bring that, that's an immediate the person on a date with them? Yeah, I would. That would be funny. I think on a first date for someone to bring that, that's an immediate, like, this is not That's a red flag to me. Like, I'm going to have a cold, what are you eating

that you have a cold glass of milk? What are you eating? A $1 hamburger from 1962? And what are you expecting to happen later? You're having a whole glass of milk? I think my dating life might be a lot worse than y'all's

because I got to tell you, you could get away with a lot more than asking for a glass of milk. All right, you guys heard it here first. But you wouldn't mention it? I'm saying I'll make fun of him in the moment. Because Caleb doesn't mind having it. Sorry, you guys heard it here first. But you wouldn't mention it? I'm saying I'll make fun of him in a moment. Because Caleb doesn't mind having it.

Sorry, I was talking to the listeners. No, go ahead. Never mind. Yeah. Well, I'll catch you guys later. What is this Lizzie fucking McGuire bitch? What's going on? Who are you talking to?

The listeners. Vinny, do you want to say anything to the listeners? No. At this point in the pod? I'm here. You know what it is? I'm in the moment. You know what it is? Yeah'm in the moment. You know what it is?

Yeah. I live in the moment. Well, you know what it is, is I live in the moment. One thing that it is, is that I live in the moment. This is an episode that really does deserve to be seen on YouTube. Finally. You'll see me absolutely. I unfortunately think the quality of this video will be so bad because there's lights

and I'm sweating and I feel like there's probably... Can we talk about the fact that, like, I don't know, like, if I'm going to stick to the couch or if I'm going to slide down the couch. I'm nervous because this shirt is my... Martha, her sister's a screen printer, screen printed this. And I'm like, getting on the couch. On the back. I'll tell you guys something I'm nervous about. Hell yeah.

I have, and we're going to bleep everything starting now. But I have actually. I really do think. Did I tell you? I think cheese is the common denominator here, right? Just to wrap it up real quick. I think you can get them from stress. Is that untrue?

Sorry, Benny just blamed cheese. For my medical condition. Yeah. If you're a vegan and you've had a... You guys are going to make it really hard to bleep because I don't really want everyone to know my business. I'm going to not say it. But if you eat cheese and you feel good...

Can we call it something else Instead of a Do you want us to call it like Do you want us to call it like Your special surprise Yeah my If you eat cheese And you got a little something good

Let me know I hope you guys are having fun This is all getting cut now This is all getting cut now There's no way around it You gotta cut out No this can be bleeped in a way That people still don't know

Well what if we refer to it Caleb's little secret friend Caleb's? way around it. No, this can be bleeped in a way that people still don't know about. Well, what if we refer to it as Caleb's little secret friend? Caleb's? Yeah, now it sounds like I got a sex slave in my basement or something. Something so much worse. Wait, there's got to be something better we could call it, like Caleb's ravine. Well, guys, I'm sure I've been humanized by the way that I'm absolutely melting in this room. Vinny, look, I will be honest with you.

Our time has come to a close, but... Is that it? We only got two things? That's how it goes sometimes. We gotta hit a couple others. Okay, wait. I'm saying we're gonna go through them. We gotta get there.

Oh, praise God. But we gotta go quick. Okay, quick. I'm gonna say, oh, God. Another TV show, Fatal Attractions, 2010 to 2013. Who's in it? It's a reality show. Oh.

It's about people who buy chimpanzees and tigers and they live in apartments with them. And then the chimpanzee rips their face off and they're like, I never saw this coming. Crazy for that to be called fatal attraction. Isn't that insane? Shouldn't be called that. When I think of fatal attraction... Well, if they fucked the monkey, though.

What if they fucked the monkey, though? Did you consider, Shelby, that they might fuck the monkey? My friend's dad in high school My friend's dad in high school had a bunch of monkeys in his basement And we would always hang out over there all the time Because we wanted to play with the monkeys One of them got out once though

One of the bigger ones got out once and it was a big deal There was like a town alert, everyone got like a text message That was like, Marshall's dad has a monkey on the loose Her name was Marshall? Her name was Marshall I Her name was Marshall. I would think that's the name of the monkey. Marshall sounds like a monkey name. He's cooking this bitch up.

Shelby said, oh, Marshall, that's a monkey's name. Oh, do you guys disagree? No. Vinny, what else do you want to say about your record? What? Another record moving on

another record is Oh We Belong Together Mimi's Late Night Valentine's Day Remix Thank you Thank you Hit it Can we play it?

Sure Okay you can sound excited The tone in the room The tone in the room He's getting everybody We just asked Anya to play a song and she said, sure.

You know, being happy to be here is half the battle. Guys, we had so much fun having these two producers. It feels like for sure we're going to do this. They're going to fire us or something. Not out of our choice. I want to be clear. It's their choice. Wait, the listeners can't hear Anya, right?

Or can they? They can. Okay, so they've heard you say, sure. Can they hear the way you said, sure? Yeah. I'll make sure Casey leaves it in. Okay, so they've heard you say, they said sure. Can they hear the way you said sure? Yeah. I'll make sure Casey leaves it in. Okay.

Thank you. Yeah, people need to hear the way that we're spoken to in this building. Because the way Anya said sure, like we were her parents asking her to do a chore. Anya basically said fuck y'all. Anya said I'll do it, but...

You don't understand, I'm so hot. No, we understand. We know. We are too, babe. We don't understand. I'm so hot. No, we understand. We know. We are too, babe. We're in lights. I want you to... Hey. Hello.

I didn't mean it when I said I'd tell you. I should have held on tight. So true. We really took it down. It's good. We'll put it in later. It's real smooth. I was lying to myself

That was so true You hear that part? Yeah I forgot the cops Come in in the middle of the song He goes And then later This is good

It's really good Yeah Vinny That was hot I agree That was hot We can cut that What just happened was hot. I agree. That was hot. We can cut that. What just happened was hot. Mariah Carey is hot.

The whole podcast. She is hot. And you know what? I'm sick and tired of people saying she's past her prime because that was sick. That was sick. She just released that. She's not past her prime. No, she's not past her prime.

She had a couple of really tough live performances. And that's fair. Divas are only reentering their prime constantly. Yes. We all did improv. We know what it's like to get up there. No that's fair. Divas are only re-entering their prime constantly. Yes, we all did improv. We know what it's like to get up there. No one likes it. Oh, speak for yourself. Vinny's seen me perform. He goes, we've all

he goes, we've all, Shelby, seen. Well, earlier, Vinny started the pod, by the way, by calling Shelby greasy. I called us both greasy. And I'll say this, I'm greasy. The way that this podcast is going. Or Matt. Matt, now I'm greasy. It's only become more true through the recording. I keep rubbing my forehead

thinking it's just going to be like a cute little, and then my hand slips. I think it's just going to be a cute little, like I'm going to dab it, and then she slips. I'm sticky in a way. And I showered before this, so I have to do it again. And you know what it is? I got to start carrying a little fan with me. The ones that connect

to the bottom of your phone. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Give me something to... Oh, like a motorized fan. Yeah, and it goes to where you charge your phone. a tongue depressor tape

to like a piece of cardboard. You can do that too. But what they've now started to begin is you can have it in the charger thing of your... This has been an incredible episode

and Vinny, we love you so much. Thank you for being on. You know what? Thank you. Thank you. And do you want to tell people, Shelby, do you want to ask Vinny to tell people where they can find him? Vinny. I want to tell the people, look into any of these, look into camera one, two, or three.

Specifically one, according to Casey. And say where the people can find you. Yes. You can find me on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok at VINN underscore AYY. That's VINN underscore AYY. That's VINN underscore AYY. And Vinny, will you just continue looking at the camera? Will you just tell people how you feel? Like, how did it go today?

And this is just for our purpose. I think it went, I think it went damply. I think it went smoothly. And I think in many ways it was slick. Yeah.

And in many ways it was sopping. Yeah. And in many ways, I don't think I'm ever going to recover. Again, that's V-I-N-N underscore A-Y-Y. Thanks for being on, Vinny.

Of course. Great episode. Thank you so much. Let's get the fuck out of here. And when you listen to this podcast, if you... If you guys listen to this podcast, listen to it one more time in the hottest room you have in your house. Yeah. That's the immersive experience.

Yeah. Listen to this podcast like it's a 3D movie. And do it with someone else so that around the 53-minute mark, y'all can start feeling bad together. Make sure everyone in the room is kind of feeling ill. Get dizzy. I want you to feel dizzy halfway through because I did. Bake a pot pie and then leave the oven open.

Pick a side on the cow argument. Everyone pick a side on the cow argument. All right, let's get the fuck out of here. It is so hot. That was a Hiddem Original.