Keeping Records - It's Not For You (with Beth Stelling)

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Comedian and podcaster Beth Stelling ordered some sandwiches...like...an hour ago. They're still not here yet but she's going to go ahead and get started telling Caleb and Shelby her plans for her Golden Record: people falling over and hurting themselves but like not reaaaally hurting themselves, her niece meeting a woodland creature, Ted Danson absolutely nailing it on—oh shit, someone's knocking, brb Beth's Artifacts Falling compilations (audio-visual) Niece meeting a bunny for the first time (audio-visual) Mr. Mayor (audio-visual) Photo of Beth and her mom in Hawaii after her mom retired from teaching (image) 6th grade home videos or her and her friends making music videos (audio-visual) Original Voyager Artifact Mountain Climber (Gaston Rébuffat) (image) Follow Beth and watch Girl Daddy on HBO Max. Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. How's it going? Good. How are you?

I'm good. What have you been up to today? Uh, working. Nice. I went to a little, well, well. How's it going? Good. How are you? I'm good. What have you been up to today? Working. Nice. I went to a little, I bought wine. What kind? Orange. Now. I had almost zero idea you were going to say that.

I have, I have, I've heard colors of wines before. Red, white. I've even heard names of wines. I can't think of one. Merlot. Orange wine. You're thinking made out of an orange. I'm pretty certain that's not the case. So you're specifically just talking about the color of the wine.

Yeah, but it's called orange wine. Like on the bottle, if you went and got it from the kitchen, it says orange wine. Is the bottle orange or is the wine orange? Both. Well, how do you know? Did you pour some already? You can't see through glass? Well, if the glass is orange, how do you know it's not just tinting?'t see through glass well if the glass is orange how

do you know it's not just tinting i think i'm making a really good point okay so i'm saying is the wine colored orange or is the bottle colored orange okay i've had orange wine before so i'm telling you the wine itself so you know that when you pour it on the bottle it's going to be orange yeah does it taste like oranges no not even a little bit not in my experience but i've only had it like twice. So maybe some. Where do you think the name comes from? The color.

From before. But why would they make it that color if it wasn't even going to taste like an oranges? I gotta be honest. I feel like it's more of just like the way nature handled it than anything else. Like certain grapes just like end up being orange in the process. That is interesting. So. I'm sober.

Right. So that's probably why I'm sounding so dumb right now. Don't make it seem like I'm being like really insensitive. You're not sober for a problem. Well, I don't want to talk about this anymore because I'm sober. Don't make it seem like I'm being really insensitive. No, I just think that's why I'm so dumb and I'm really fascinated. Caleb says I'm sober in insensitive. No, I just think that's why I'm so dumb. And I'm really fascinated. Caleb says, I'm sober in the bad way.

You can't say that. I can say that. I'm sober. I can talk about sober people however I want. And I'm saying there's being sober like I am, which is just in the no reason way. And then there's being sober because you needed to get sober. And there's a difference. Yeah.

And if it was in the bad way, and I came and i said you said how are you and i said well only can talk about wine today for me it's only alcohol alcohol and alcohol only well i would say good for you i would say i'm happy for you i think if i could only ever talk about alcohol i would need to be sober in the bad way i would actually be worried about you what's up with you well i've been trying to read books as you know um i read a book last night trying to fall asleep and i did fall asleep i went to sleep at like nine o'clock and i was like i'm gonna get up really early and did you do that today i slept 12 hours i didn't hear you wake up early yeah i didn't get up early i still got at like nine, but I wanted to get up at like seven. I woke up at like 6 a.m.

To the sound of, and this is haunting to me. The sound of like, you know, when you turn volume up on something and it has like a click, like it's like. I'll take your word for it. No, like it's an electronic sound of we're turning up the volume. No, I don't think I'm tracking it. Turn your, like if you're, it's the same kind of sound, like if the volume was up on your phone, like sound on and you were typing how it clicks. That, but for like going around a circle. Like on the old iPods.

Yeah, exactly that. Okay, okay. I woke up at 6am, did that sound loudly in my room for 10 minutes, couldn't place it, couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Looked around and then just had to go back. How was it happening for 10 minutes? So long. How was it getting increasingly louder the whole 10 minutes or was it going like all the way up, all the way down, all the way up? Almost like a spiral.

So what was causing it? No, you still don't know. I don't know. I never found out. Oh, good. Yeah. Oh, I'm really scared. Really, really didn't sit well with me either. And I had to just lay my head back down.

That's really scary. Yeah, it was like 6am. And I was like, Am I just up for the day? Is that what this is? And then I was like, No, baby gotta rest. I hate that. Well, hey, we can't talk all day about our house being haunted, even though we know now that it is. We got to bring in our guest. Oh, my God. Our guest is an iconic comedian, stand up philosopher, thinker, priest in our house. Priestess. Priestess. You know her from her recent special Girl Daddy. Beth Stelling. Hey. Hey, Beth. you know her from her recent special girl daddy uh hello hello hello i hope all throughout the world there's just little people with their little headphones and just going whispering beth how the heck is it going oh my goodness i'm happy

to be here with you guys. What a treat. We're so happy. We're so happy to have you. Got some Scandinavian swimmers. Have you ever had these? Not sponsored. No. People keep bragging about them and I've never had.

It's basically fruit snacks. Well, that's delightful. What if I didn't understand the concept of like microphones and I was like, have you guys had these before? We'd keep it. We'd put it out that way. We'd never tell you. And we'd put out the F that way. Yeah. We would be like, it's fine. It'll just be what it is. It is hard to tell someone to stop doing something that you don't know. Well, yeah, you 100%, you know, like, excuse me, could you freaking knock that off? We would, excuse me. Thank you for being excuse me could you freaking knock that off we would excuse me thank you for being here but you're doing something wrong wrong so wrong so against what we need have you guys ever had a job where your where your job was to tell people like strangers things

yeah i was a hostess yes like, like hostess. Okay, yes. I mean, I always worked in food service. Yeah, it's horrible when, I don't know if y'all have ever worked at a restaurant when it's like slammed, but not to brag, the Applebee's in my hometown would get really busy. And I was sometimes the lead host. And you have to like order adults around. You're like 15. You have to be like, let's make the line go this way. And they don't listen.

And then you're just like, fuck me, dude. I'm like going to get in trouble by my boss. He's 47 and he has an attitude. He has an attitude. My first hostess job was at my dad's friend's restaurant. And he was like, they would party there every night. But it was in Cleveland and there's a lot like bars have to close. Like I think it was like 1 a.m. And lot like bars have to close at like i think it's

like 1 a.m and i was like okay guys it's time for the party to stop and everyone was just like okay loser and i was like no i just like need you guys to and then my dad would like be there drinking with his friends and i'd be like excuse me um it's me, your daughter. Jessica. The party doesn't have to stop, but it can't stay here. I'm sobbing. You painted such a sad profile. You just go from zero to 60 and you're like, I'm calling the police. Well, that's the only way it works.

Also, if I would throw a party and it got out of hand and having to be like, okay, guys, now it must end. Yeah. No, that would be the nightmare i just watched can't hardly wait over the weekend like for valentine's day um we went to dynasty typewriter because they were basically like you guys are familiar and basically they offered like valentine's day packages where you could go and like be alone in the theater so we watched can't hardly Wait and maybe that's one we should actually include and delete. Add to the rack. No, I mean, there were some moments. No, delete it.

There were some moments near the end that were huge shockers. But the reason I thought of it in general, because of what you just said, the freaking house that the party's at, the girl is not having fun ever the entire time. And it's like doing cleanup. There's hundreds of people in her home. They're all 36 playing high schoolers. And she's like, can you please stop shitting in my mouth? Please? I'd love it.

You know, like there's just, they're ruining her house. And at the end, she's just a complete basket case. That's like Mean Girls when her parents come home and go why are my 1999 film african fertility vases under the sink yeah and you're like oh no not the african fertility i went to a party in my garage so that it wouldn't mess up the house too bad and i that was smart thank you i was like hose it down i thought my dad was sleeping. I was like, hose it down. I thought my dad was sleeping. So I was like, but he wasn't. He wasn't gone. He was merely sleeping.

You played a live game of don't wake daddy. Yeah. That's what I call all parties, by the way. All parties I go to, I say, I'm don't waking daddy. Well, Beth, I've got bad news for you. He wasn't actually sleeping. He was out. And he came home and used the garage click sleeping. He was out. And he came home

and used the garage clicker and it like opened and then it closed and then it opened again. And I was like, everyone in the house. I like made everyone go into the attic and was like, I won't hear a word from one of you. I went into my room. I put pajamas on over my clothes. I went, I waited in my bed and I waited for my dad to call me. And he was like, Shelby, get in the garage now. And I come down and he was like, what the fuck is this? And I go, I don't know. I've been sleeping. And he was like, what? I was like...

You gaslit your father. Well, of course I did. I didn't want to get grounded. So I was like, oh my god, I've been sleeping. And he was like, he was like, oh yeah, and then who did this? I said, I don't know. I have siblings. I've been sleeping. I've been in bed. I've been sleeping. He was like, oh yeah, then who did this? I said, I don't know. I have siblings.

I've been sleeping. I've been in bed. I've been good bed. And he was like, I saw your friends, Katie and Kelly. And I said, yeah, they were here watching movies, but that's it. And now they're in the attic where they live now. They'll never leave. And he was like, well, where is everyone?

There's all these cars in the driveway. And I was like, oh, I don't know. Those aren't mine i don't know they're not my cars i can't speak to whose they belong to and then were you drunk yeah and then i was like he was he just kept being like this is clearly your party and i kept being like look at my outfit i'm in pajamas how could i be throwing a party and eventually he just like gave up and he went to bed we never talked about it uh what an amazing thing dad's not wanting to deal with further confrontation yeah he got he dealt with it for a second and then we're like that's not wanting to be gaslit beyond belief i mean if i'm your dad i didn't say there was no party i just said it

wasn't mine i wasn't like i wasn't like, dad, look around. This is all a clean garage. It's not like I told him he didn't have a child with a party in the garage. I told him that I wasn't throwing it. Beth, were you a big partier in high school? Be honest. I did most of my drinking, I feel like, in eighth grade. I really got it in and out.

When was the first one? First sip of beer was probably sixth grade, but that doesn't really count. You know, it was like a dad's beer left down there. Sam Adams trash. And I think the first like drinking, which would have been like natty light was in seventh grade and eighth grade. We drank ninth grade, but I like turned into an adult real quick. And I was like, I do speech and debate I'm the captain of the field hockey team I am in a musical and I really have to take my life seriously um so I like really cleaned up my act but I still drank of course I just of course I mean we state in Ohio wasn't much to do but I basically I didn't drink during field hockey season iconic did you also play lacrosse or just field hockey just feel like yeah we didn't have lacrosse okay new sport but like so i would say like i experienced experimented the most

in those early grades like eighth and ninth was that nor was everyone doing that i wasn't drinking in eighth grade i was yeah i said that and i remember like when you when you were like saying like just lying straight to your dad's face i I remember my mom was like, let me smell your breath. And I was like, what is that? I was like, pretzels. Clearly beer. There's lots of hops in pretzels. Hoppy pretzels.

Two of my friends and I pitched a tent in our front yard and stole pepper absolute vodka and a stout beer. And we were like, we're going to drink. And that was in eighth grade or seventh grade. Yeah, and cigarettes happened too. grade seventh grade yeah and the cigarettes happened too we was smoking cigarettes on the side of the building camel crushes my sister um threw a party while my mom went to dinner and it was snowing and my mom saw the hundreds of footprints leaving our home that's my house and our yard was like our yard was like two strides do you know like from the sidewalk to the front porch steps.

So it was just covered and matted down. And I remember getting drunk or having a sip of beer. I can't remember because I was very young, seventh grade, when my sister was a senior. And I ate a dog bone to make one of the guys laugh. Okay, hot. I went up to my room and my sister's best friend was making out with a guy on my bunk beds and i like cried or something i was like it was a but to give you an idea of like where i was in that that split in life i still had a simba

comforter like a lion king comforter and you And you said, if anyone's going to kiss in my Lion King bunk beds, it's going to be me. It's going to be me. Yes. Anyway, but I did do that. I didn't really get in too much. Well, we did get arrested at University of Dayton one time in eighth grade. Absolutely. In eighth grade?

So the college students that were hanging out with you were fucked up. Oh, they actually, I do believe the frat was suspended from campus because I'm pretty sure my friend hooked up with one of the dudes. I had no boobs. And it got suspended for hanging out with eighth graders. Yeah. I mean, obviously, we lied about our age, but I was too scared to get touched because I had no boobs from gymnastics.

I did gymnastics. I hear that. Yeah. I wasn't about to be like, let's see what happens and then have pecs, you know? So I just, I mean, like seven minutes in heaven with no boobs. Exactly. I'm still so, I'm still so hung up. The college dudes hooked up with your friend.

I remember the guy's name. It was PJ. Yes. I remember being like the J stands for jail stands for jail. Absolutely. Prison jail. PJ stands for prison jail. And our friends, we got separated from them. They got scared. They were caught walking by campus police or something, ratted us out where we were.

And in some ways, of course, that was the responsible thing to do. Right. But the cops came and got us, took us to the station. I remember the cop slamming the phone book on the table. And he goes, call your parents. And I looked at him and I go, I know the number. And so I called my mom. Because this is pre-cell phones.

At least, like, maybe my friends had them, but I certainly didn't. And, you know, I'm not saying, like, boo-hoo. We were so, you know, whatever the word I'm looking for. You know, it's not like didn't have anything, but I wasn't the kid that had a car and a cell phone or anything like that, because my mom was a teacher. So my mom comes and gets me and she was just like, definitely, my mom was the mom that was more scared and disappointed than upset and punishing. I got picked up by the police for city curfew and they called my parents and both my parents said, I mean, we're not coming. So wherever she was going to go is like where

she'll go or she'll sleep in the station. And they were like, well, we're not taking her with us. That's hilarious. That's like paperwork. They were like someone. And so my friend's mom had to come pick me up. She was pissed. I was like, yeah, I get it. Yeah. You're like, I'm pissed at me. And she's gonna piss at you and piss at your parents. I'm situationally pissed off. I'm pissed off at the police. I was just trying to smoke a cigarette in a playground. And here I am. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. My first kiss was on a playground. Sorry. Keep going. Hell yeah. Whoa. That's really cool.

I want to hear more about that. What year was this? It was ninth grade. I feel like it was kind of late. Or maybe it was eighth going into ninth. Late from all the hard drinking partying you were doing. Yeah, exactly. When you were in the fourth grade drinking wine coolers, I thought maybe you'd sneak a kiss then.

It took a while. I did maybe you'd sneak a kiss then. It took a while. I did a lot of things out of order. That was after I finished, got my GED. No, I think, yes, it was like a lobster tent. It was like Lobster Fest or something in Schaefer Park or Crab Fest. And it was all done and shut down. We went there late at night. But the tables were still there. And he was shorter than me because I'm pretty tall.

And I always have been. And only reason I'm not an Olympic gymnast. Thank you. Only reason. People say that. But it's nice to hear you confirm it. Yeah. We've been reading articles about that today.

So he had me lay down. So we laid down underneath like an old table and he like kind of laid all of his weight on top of me like this way and he had braces and i remember his braces like digging into my bottom lip and um that was my first kiss and then not long after that my friend because my friend lived across the street she woke up one morning and i'm she saw a man hanging from the playground a man hung himself and my friend woke up looked out of her window and her parents tried to send her to therapy and she was just like i'm fine well her parents were right i'll say i'm on the parents

side oh my god i mean sorry that was a I put on you. No, this is, this is good to know. And honestly, it's a really good segue into why we brought you here because I decided it has to be, we really need to talk about what you would put on your golden records. What, what is going on?

Those freaking things. Honestly, number one for me would be like a, a falling compilation or people getting scared, you know, like that's for sure 100 i can watch those and and they only get better with repetition do you want the like the small business youtube compilation some guy made it in his basement or like american home videos episode

i need the best of the best footage of people truly maybe getting hurt pretty bad. And I mean, like, it's never, you know what I'm going to, it has to be the perfect mix of not death, but not, like, stubbing a toe. You know, we don't need something, it has to be, like, it has to have hurt a little. A great example would be, even a lot, a great example would be, unfortunately, I do watch The Bachelor and have been watching it with my friend Monica. And last night in the teaser, they show one of the girls having gone skydiving. And upon landing with her partner, they hit pretty hard. And we rewind it and watched it probably 15 times.

From the preview? Yeah, right onto the, it looks like a a face plant have you ever had an embarrassing fall oh yeah oh yeah millions i'm doing one right now i mean i used to fall for laughs i would we had a we had an incline um that led from the freshman hall to the senior hall and this all it had rails along the side and um art and things hung on the wall and there was a display cases but yeah i would have all my books and fake fall down that incline and just slide roll hit my head break my neck captain of the debate team falls on ramp every morning to start the day i did the morning announcements at school.

That's how I started our day. God, it was a good job. Beth did a really important job at school. First, she would do the school announcements. Then she would go out to the ramp and tumble down it while everyone watched. She started the day off. She said, good morning, students of Oakland High School. For lunch today is chicken nuggets,

and if you'll meet me at the ramp, I will be falling. I will be doing my big fall. I'll be falling in about five minutes. See you there. Everyone runs from their classroom to the ramp. Oh, man. A good tire swing fall is great.

Tire swing fall. Like it detaches, the rope breaks. Usually the person gets real cocky and it's at the top and i'm like here i go and they forget that they've never done a push-up in their life and they go five feet and then like into the water do you guys remember that video that went viral of the woman in the shoe store falling out of the heels yes and she falls in like 17 different angles and then someone someone edited it to make her into a transformer yes like she falls falls falls and then turns into a car

i would that's gonna probably have to go on the golden record yeah we'll send you a link it's really perfect um two things one scarred the television show my door sorry one second i'm shutting my front door no worries front door mike keep this part in please beth shutting the door since this will get cut i have to say, Beth has behind her a folder just called People. Beth, what is the folder behind you that just says People? I don't know what you're talking about. There's no People.

There's no People folder. They're in the attic. Victims. It should attic. Victims. It should be called victims. You know what's in here? Oh, my God. I'm attached. What's in here is just a bunch of scripts.

And they're called people for what purpose? Yeah. Well, okay. So there's just a bunch of scripts in here. But that sticker, I mean, this is going to sound very name-droppy, but you asked. So here we go. Buckle up. Steven Spielberg.

No, it's from Justin Vernon's place in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Justin Vernon is Bon Iver, and he has a recording studio, wanted to make it sort of like an artist retreat, and he was inspired by this place i'm gonna forget the name of it but i'm gonna forget the name of it but um he was inspired by a place he visited in berlin that was also like an artist sort of commune or something and it has a particular name i'm forgetting and they had these stickers and he got a bunch of them and that was like his goal for the eau claire spot and he actually painted it on the side of the barn as well but i think it's about bringing people together so this is just this is just a sticker from bonnie vera huge name drop really really big name drop from beth on the pod bonavere close friend close friend have his belongings

behind me on my shelf love it so he painted people on the side of the building the same yes and while i was there like they brought me um i went in to work on like a little bit of a short film and just provide a little sort of showrunnery type thing but nothing too serious it was meant to be like a fun project talking it down yeah it was no big deal i just ran a show it won stuff like an oscar or whatever it was like the first woman to ever do it but it's like i don't really like it was so small so small so silly like funny to even think that i did it i kind of blazed the trail but in like an extremely non-self-important people were liking me to one of the suffragettes

but it was like it's like so weird when they do that like i don't agree sort of the betsy ross of comedy music crossover video thing but it's not you know without all the weird politics and while i was there i walked in and uh katie who goes by waxahatchee this musician was there i love her album we listen to lilacs a lot and we're friends and so when i walked in she was like beth and i was like katie like no one told me she was also going to be there she filmed i'm sorry not filmed recorded her um album and then we because she was there doing that and we're all staying there there's like bunk beds in different rooms and then when she was done we all went into the recording studio smoked a tiny bit of a dube

and then listened to it and i remember crying because it was just like so i mean i love katie and it was like a particularly special album to her and it was just so cool to be there and then the neighbors who were kind of far away just not middle of nowhere wisconsin but more remote brought over because it was around christmas time chocolate dipped oreos that they designed to be like little reindeers anyway this is just all part of the memory and i i ate more than my share cute wisconsin people that's almost too cute yeah that almost that almost that almost brackets out of what's allowed to be so cute that gets really close to the line it plays really fast and loose with the rules so listen with falling yeah one i have two questions well no i have a question single question one question only uh have you seen scarred the mtv hit show about

people falling and really hurting themselves no oh maybe that wouldn't be funny to me i don't think it is it's not funny and i was wondering i was asking because it's really it's like mostly skaters i'd say and it's all them trying like really hard stuff and then them getting up and being like i guess my foot's kind of disconnected now and you're like oh my gosh yeah i don't love to see a dangler like i'm not that show is almost explicitly yeah that show you were signing on to watch one a dangler two exposed bone three the kind of stitches that you're like throw the body away you can't stitch you can't sew that up i once was a ski instructor and um one of the girls clotheslined herself on the chairlift line and she was my only student for the day so also kind of shit job on my part but i laughed so hard while i was like trying to

get down to get her yeah she got a pretty black eye, but it was really funny before. Yeah. And you can, if you're like me, I do have that photographic sort of memory, so I will replay it and it'll just get funnier.

I constantly do because she got so fast, so quick, and then I couldn't catch up to her and I'm trying so hard and then she's trying to stop. She's pizzaing.

And then she, the only thing that could stop her was the string for the chairlift and it hit her right, I guess, in the neck and then she the only thing that could stop her was the string for the chairlift and it hit her right i guess in the neck and then her eye and then she she wiped out oh yeah i mean i think i would have laughed too as long as people aren't dying no she was fine her parents i'll laugh at myself too of course like anything scary near death trip, you know, it's always worse to fall when no one's there to laugh. Because then it just hurts in silence.

Yeah. And then, of course, like we're saying, there's ones that are too scary or too hard. I fell off my bike, I don't know, a couple weeks ago. And it was a bunch of skaters were near the bus stop. And it was so hard. They didn't laugh. That's when you know you're in trouble. For real. When the skaters don't laugh. Yeah, when the skaters can't laugh. And's when you know you're in trouble. For real.

When the skaters don't laugh. When the skaters can't laugh, and they've seen it all. When the skaters don't laugh. Whoa. Now that was a fall. No, that's what I call a fall. That's what I call falls. They're taking tape off of their skateboards being like, do you want it for your leg?

Like an icy stair. Oh, good. Or an icy driveway, even better. Any sort of like, I think the earliest, like think of Marv, Home Alone 1. The paint cans, they all fall and he's like. You know, like that will make me laugh. Listeners, Beth did something with her body caleb's now doing it um i can't explain it to you guys but just know that it was fun

it's fashion it's vogue it's in it's what's now it's what's happening it's what's queer it's what's online it's what's plugged in and because beth and i decided look i'm gonna be really honest yeah i think we should talk about what's what's that what else we would put on your records oh okay okay the video i would put on is my niece charlotte seeing a bunny for the first time and petting a bunny and giving it a carrot and this was a couple years ago and um was home in Dayton and I always go to this bakery called Ashley's Bakery and get like a jelly donut and a bunch of other things. And I used to go there on, we used to have an hour for lunch and they'd let us go anywhere, which is pretty crazy. And I would walk to Ashley's with some of my friends. It wasn't too far. And we

would get the funniest thing. We would just get two slices of pizza and like a balloon cookie which is just like all icing and that would be our lunch i think we have the audio of your niece i never seen bunnies before. I've never seen bunnies before. I know. So cute. It truly can sometimes make me cry. Because you see the video, and she's just like the cutest.

And she gives it a little carrot chip, and it yanks it from her hand. And she doesn't really get scared. She just goes, and then goes to pet its head. She's the kid on the field trip to the farm where you're like, like her older brother is like, like away from the ghost and you look over at Charlotte and she's just like manhandling a chicken.

Like, look what I got. She wrangled it. Yeah. I don't know why I shouldn't have said manhandled. She's womanhandling a chicken. Thank you. She's girlsplaining to the chicken. She's girlb handling a chicken thank you yeah she's girl splaining to the chicken she's girl bossing a chicken

she is so adorable she is so cute my car producer says that the bunny is really scary to him and that he wouldn't have gone near it yeah it was in a cage with a little blankie over it it has red eyes does it in the video i really feel like it did did i make that up i don't i didn't remember seeing binocula what was what was that book growing up it was called like there was a chocolate bunny right what is it there's a chocolate there's a book about a chocolate bunny i think i'm older than you but there is a book about like a vampire bunny or maybe it's like a vampire for chocolate oh i remember this i think i know you're talking about it's a big scary looking thing whatever it

is so you are correct it is called bunnicula okay and it's a whole and and it seems like maybe there's multiple um of them by by two different authors Now hold on a second. Now hold the phone. It's a series. Now wait just a gosh darn minute. It's a whole ass series. And it's written by James and Deborah Howe. As you may know.

As listeners may know. Guys, can I make this personal about me for a second? Please. I'm trying to write a children's book right now. My aunt and I are trying to write a children's book right now my aunt and i are trying to write a children's book together and we keep coming up with half ideas like you know one of us will be like i want a koala that's a chef and then we're like there's no moral or

we'll come up with a moral but then we can't we can't get it we're trying to get it together but it's something i'm working on i love it i've wanted i feel like better you than one more celebrity they do so many i do it because i can later caleb comes into my room sobbing he goes that said i wasn't a celebrity oh no you are you are no no no no he comes in my room sobbing he can barely look at me in the eyes. He says. As soon as this recording's over, I'm going to post on Twitter, hey guys, taking some time off. When people do that, I don't even get concerned anymore. I think it's so calculated.

Of course not. I mean, you don't need to tell anybody you're leaving. You can just leave. Yeah, it's not a party, babe. I loved that back in the days of Chicago when people were like, I'm quitting stand-up. We'd just be like, all right, see ya. Have a good one.

The Bunnicula series had seven books. That's so many. They're named as follows. And there is a winner at the end, but a lot of them are boring. Bunnicula, A Rabbit Tale of Mystery. So they kind of just told you what you were getting at that one. all those and there is a winner at the end but a lot of them are boring um but nicola a rabbit tale of mystery so they kind of just told you what you were getting at that one yeah howl a day in now i'd have to read that because i don't know what has to do with bunnies bunnies don't howl it's for kids the celery stalks at midnight that's cute you have to admit that's kind of cute

yeah nighty nightmare whoa return to Howliday Inn. So sequel to the first. Go throwback. Yeah. Bunnicula Strikes Again. Right. Throwback to the other first one. And then Bunnicula.

This one's my favorite. Bunnicula meets Edgar Allan Crowe. That pissed me off. I can't say why that pissed me off, but that did piss me off. I know. It felt like, how dare they? Bunnicula meets Edgar Allan Crowe. Yeah, that made me mad, I have to say.

I'm feeling more at peace as time passes, but there's definitely some residual sort of rage about that. Yeah, well, I had to tell you. Would you put these books on the records or no? No. Absolutely not. would you delete them or just like let them knocking at my door who is it oh i did oh my gosh hold on sorry i'm on a podcast it's her get them to do it so beth's postmates just arrived and i don't think she's gonna have them in to say something on the pod but but I really wish she would. Oh, they've come to my house.

Okay, I ordered more. No, it's okay. I'm on a podcast. Did you already start eating them? No. Oh. But they've been sitting there a while, so it feels like some of it was in the bag. Yeah, just leave them for now because I ordered more, so hopefully they'll be here.

I'll call you, but I am on a podcast, so I have to go. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I'll knock if I need them. I mean, what the hell? It's hard for me to be nice sometimes when it comes to a neighbor. Who was that? Your neighbor. My neighbor, yeah. You should have had her in to be on the pod.

You guys, it would have been one of the biggest regrets of your life. I mean, you can still hear her. Jesus Christ. It's too much. What did you order? Also, I need to know. And do you have more coming in multiple orders? Yes, I have more coming.

Because I said, I reported it to Postmates and said they weren't delivered, and I didn't tip the girl. Because I thought, where is it? It's not here. She left it upstairs. That's not my place. I don't know what to tell you. I don't live there. So now I feel bad that Elizabeth didn't get a tip, but I also didn't get the sandwiches.

She's saying. So how many sandwiches total do you have coming i had i ordered two sandwiches i ordered two chips and i ordered two drinks and so now we have four sandwiches four chips but she said they've been sitting there for a while and i'm like i did you hear me i go did you open them and then you just kept saying, I've got more coming. Did you hear me? I was bragging about being on a podcast. Yeah. I'm on a podcast, so I have to go. Things are really crazy for me right now. I'm recording a podcast. I can't talk to you right now about delivering my food to me. I've

got more coming. I mean, I'll bet Elizabeth's pissed. But guess what, Elizabeth? Freaking get your head on straight and look at my door that says the number. And I have a freaking paper sign taped to the pillar so people don't get confused. I mean, what more can I do? That's on Elizabeth. That is on Elizabeth.

Call me. You know, like, call me if you need help finding me, right? Elizabeth, if you're listening. Yeah. Apologies. I tip well when the sandwiches make it to me. And not to Mindy upstairs. Elizabeth, you're off the records.

Mindy, you're on because we overheard you on the mic. I mean, it looks like delivery by 613 from Hatem B. Okay. Well, I can't wait to see if they can get it right. I mean, I got the freaking curtain open right here. Of course I'm going to order more sandwiches. I didn't get them. I once ordered, when we first moved here, I ordered vegan fried chicken sandwiches.

Oh, this is crazy. Yeah. This was crazy. One. I ordered one sandwich. And then they said they canceled it. So I went to the place and bought two. Yeah.

I was like, well, now I'm going. I'll get two. I'll have one for later because I'm out of my home. You understand. Then the delivery came and they gave me five. And then someone else came and delivered me two. What? I mean, make it make sense.

And for days it was like, well, I guess the only thing I can eat is this. Shelby also, Shelby is one of the most, like, it's one of the least wasteful people I know. So she really, every day for like a week was like dutifully going to the kitchen and getting another i have to eat it i'm opening the box i'm like yes it's another vegan chicken sandwich she's like sighing in the kitchen i'm like are you eating another sandwich she's like yeah it's been two weeks what are you making for dinner and i said what do i have do i have I'm like, yeah, throw it out, hon. Tears streamed down my face.

I say, I don't have any choice. I have the chicken sandwiches. I have to eat the chicken sandwiches. This happened to me when right before we moved to LA, my old roommate and I in Chicago, we were like, we want to have a nice dinner before I leave. But we were both so broke. So nice dinner was like quesadillas from a Mexican restaurant. And I was like, I want four large quesadillas, because it was the same chain as when I usually went to but I was in a different neighborhood. Anyway, four large at the other one meant like four medium sized ones,

because they weren't actually that large. Four large at this other one meant like four medium-sized ones because they weren't actually that large. Four large at this one apparently meant four entire, like, it basically ended up meaning like 16 tortillas that made eight quesadillas. And we were moving the next day. So I just left my old roommate with like 12 quesadillas that I couldn't eat. He's like, I thought you were freaking moving yeah i just left it and that's what we that's the note we left on because i got it wrong and she didn't get to keep that in the fridge because she was moving the same day she was moving too so it wasn't like i would just leave it in the fridge like she had to take that to a new location did you put all your stuff in your car and drive together? We drove together apart.

With our moms. Oh my God, 2020 vibes. And that's when it was? Yeah. We moved in June to LA. Yeah. We moved with both of our mothers. I mean, look, I'm glad you're here, but why would you do that?

Right. It was honestly my fault. Thank you for saying that. It was my fault. I had made up my mind and I was like, we're going to go. My lease is up. Your lease is up. I'm not letting the pandemic ruin this.

It won't last much longer. Yeah. Caleb said, I remember specifically being like, I mean, I really think it's going to go for a while. And this was like me being crazy. Like no one knew that yet. It was like at this point, we still kind of thought like, and I treated you as such. I was like, oh, get real.

He goes, if it's still going by July, I'll be out in the park. I'll be having fun with my friends. I'm not doing this till July. Fast forward to July. He's scared to leave the house. Too scared that he'll contract the virus. But he was like, there's no way it's going till summer. You want me to wait inside for summer?

Yeah, I'll be outside with my friends. I still feel that way. I can't believe we we did this i cannot believe we agreed to stay inside so once again kind of pointless move but ultimately we did what we did okay but you're also not in six feet of snow that wasn't a part by the way that was my wait of course i can't do it again that's just farted on the pod and we'll note that beth we have to talk about what else you would put on your records. I'm almost going to have to rapid fire it for you. No, we got time. You know, I've been watching and really enjoying season one of Mr. Mayor.

Is that too soon? It's really making me laugh. Shelby and I were trying to decide if this was too soon. I don't know. When did it come out? Episodes keep rolling out, and I think I just watched episode seven the other night. Okay, so seven weeks ago. But look, I was, I don't have a good excuse, but I was never a 30 Rock person.

I think we're the same. I was a Parks and Rec person, but never a Brooklyn Nine-Nine person. Okay. You are or are not a Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Are not. Okay. Again, it's not because I Nine-Nine? Are not. Okay. Again, it's not because I watched and thought it was trash or something. It's just I never really watched or didn't try.

Yeah. I was a Parks and Rec person, Arrested Development. Anyway, Boyfriend has been getting me to watch 30 Rock, and I'm like, I get it. It is very funny. Okay? And I'm not like a – I love Tina Fey. She's brilliant.

So then I watch mr mayor i'm like i get it all they're very good at writing television just extremely good i love that i uh was really early i was invested in mr mayor because like a year ago i got an audition for bobby mornahan's character and i was like it was one of the first auditions i got that i was actually excited about i bet i was like this is huge this isn't just a day player thing i'm gonna get this because you know when you first start auditioning for that kind of stuff yeah and of course i wasn't gonna get it they were gonna go to bobby mornahan honestly i'm almost positive they wrote the show for him yeah like there was no reason to be auditioning he's perfect yeah i

was gonna say to be quite honest it's like rude that they made you, they let you think that maybe you could get it. Yeah, it's got to be Bobby. He's killing it. And he's friends with it. Like, it's also just like, it's not like they're strangers and it just happened. Like, he happened to walk in the room. It's like, they had to talk. Had to be Bobby.

Yeah. Yeah. And I really think this is the best thing he's ever been in. Really? I mean, like, I mean, look, I don't mean to rub salt in the wound, Caleb, because something else is coming your way. Oh, no, I'm good. I'm so happy for Bobby.

But think about it. I'm not saying he was never funny on SNL or something, but him in this role, I'm like, yeah, this is it for you. This is your role. This is Bobby. This is so funny. Mr. Mayor, more like Bobby Moynihan. I love talking about him like I'm his personal friend. I've been like, oh, this had to be Bobby.

I mean, if I know Bobby, and I think I do, we've never met. He's someone who I've never really thought of his name as being Bobby. And now that I'm hearing it, I'm like, his name really is Bobby. Yeah, I guess when you put them, when they're not together, it can start to get weird. It's like Bobby Moynihan. Yeah, to like see him, like imagine seeing him somewhere and being like being like bobby hey that doesn't seem correct do you know what i mean but hey bob moynihan it's ghost yeah yeah yeah like jack mcbrayer jack mcbrayer never call him jack he's a jack he's not he's not this is mr mayor is basically

um and this is how my boyfriend described it. It's LA 30 rock. Ooh. It's very funny. That's a nice pitch for the show. Yeah. That's how they should be selling it to people. And that's probably how they sold it in a literal email for millions of dollars. Hey, got a new show.

30. Oh, a light went on. Is it your sandwiches? It could be. You know I'm freaking out. I'm really invested. Yeah, you're twitching a little. We can't stop the recording

until we know what ends up with the sandwiches. You're itching for those sandwiches. You have two of them already. I'm over here itching for the other two. Yeah, but the upstairs neighbor has touched those. I mean, we're still in a pandemic. She said she didn't open them. Do you not believe her?

She felt like going through files, like went through each ingredient and was like she shuffled the sandwiches like a deck of cards guys she mentioned that they were damp she knew they were damp she said they were out there for a while so it might be a little soggy how do you know they're soggy you're fingering the sandwiches her parents are the landlords by the way she loves she's a child how old is she speaking of look i would if i if i wanted to torture myself i would put the voicemail from her parents on the golden record i mean they're like the seinfelds they're constantly yelling when when i got the apartment they left me a message so excited that they were giving me the apartment.

It's hilarious for you to be whispering. You're in a mic. You're recording yourself. We're going to put this out, Beth. She's not a fan. She will not listen. You're sitting there. And so then she said, we're going to release this.

Guys, she might be sitting out right now waiting to give me the sandwiches. She's probably sitting waiting for the podcast to end with the sandwiches in her lap. I want the fresh ones is what I'm saying. I hope she gets them. I hope she intercepts the second delivery. I hope she gets them and brings them to you and says, Hey, second ones are here. They're only a little less soggy.

One of them is crisp. The other one I took. It could use salt. I didn't touch them, but it could use salt. Okay. Her parents inadvertently gave me a compliment when I got to the apartment. So they left me a voicemail letting me know that I won. Okay. And then they think they've hung up and you can hear the husband be like, I don't know. It's a comedian. And she goes, but it's a successful comedian.

That's huge for you though. Huge for me. Massive. Massive. It's on my website. Yeah. Successful comedian should be the title of your next special. Hello. Girl Daddy successful comedian.

I should just play that at the beginning of my new special. Yeah, play the voicemail and then walk off. Say you all came to see a successful comedian and you did. And you did. you did you're welcome what else is on your record what else is on your record i guess i would have to say um i'm i'm dipping into the ones that I didn't narrow down. Oh, I wanted to say my mom's scent, but that just felt weird. Because I'm not like a freak for my mom. A little.

You're ready. It's okay to stand. Yeah. Hey, stand your mom. What does she smell like? Well, I'd have to leave my mom to go visit my dad for a month in the summer, which is so long for a kid. And it started at six. And me to be away from my mom home with most of the year for a month.

So my mom would spray her perfume on my little bunny rabbit and then also pack me cotton balls with it sprayed on there when the stomach ran out of the bunny. I'm just huffing my mom's perfume at night so I can sleep in my dad's home on an air mattress in Orlando, Florida. And then she says, I'm not a freak for my mom. Yeah, my mom had to send me with cotton balls dipped in her

sweat for me to go to school every day. I'm not a freak for my mom. What if I went from 0 to 60 of rage and I was like, you need to edit this out. We would. We would do it, by the way. And we'd be like, no problem.

I love my mom. No problem, but we would keep the audio for us. Our podcast just got canceled. And she was like, it's okay. I'm okay with it. And then after we recorded the last episode, she was like, I thought I was okay, but I'm okay with it. And then after we recorded the last episode, she was like, I thought I was okay, but I'm a little sad.

She like really took it on her. Like the equivalent of like parents telling their kids the divorce isn't their fault. I had to do that with my mom in a podcast. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. We got canceled.

I don't know how these things are going to pan out. Do you want the aliens to think that your mom is their mom? Do you want them to know that it's your mom? How do you want them to receive the scent? Do you just want it to be a smell with no name? Maybe it should be like a photo of me and my mom or something. That smells like her? That's with her scent on it. Doused in her scent.

A photo of you and her and she carried it under her arm for six weeks i don't know maybe a couple fingernail clippings and some hair just in case they have around a candle oh god okay okay so then a scent and some toenail clippings for your mom. No, let's cut that. I mean, not from the pod, but just from the list. From the records, okay. Let's just say a photo of me and my mom when I took her to Hawaii for her retirement from teaching. And that was a very fun trip. So some photo like that.

I love that. Wait, guys. We have to take a break. Oh, my God. Okay, fine. Hopefully the subs are close. If there's blood on my door, it's from Mindy upstairs. If there's blood on your door?

How old is she? How old is she? She's an adult. 30s. It would be so funny if she was eight. You're talking so much shit. She's love how like did you see how did you get to hear how adam and i was i was like i'm on a podcast and that's so much funnier if she's eight years old i'm not kidding you guys you know when you're in therapy and you check your phone and

make sure um you haven't called the person you're talking about yes i'm just gonna double check she's not outside. Okay, just so the listeners know, Beth is walking around her property. You know, I told them to please replace this, but they wouldn't, and so I cut this perfect cardboard. But look, this is right to the outside.

That's a new one. There's so many listening subs in their lap. Beth, where do you live? Like I'd tell you. Say your address on the pod. Docs yourself. Docs yourself, girl. It's going in the chat. Okay, got it.

Just so you know, Beth just messaged us, go to hell, I would never tell you my address. You sick fucks for looking. Okay, look, what else would you put on your records? Okay, fine. Fine. Let's see. I guess video footage of me and my friends in sixth grade, like doing a music video.

But why would I want to relive that? I don't know. Maybe it was fun. Well, you want them to see it. see it you want them to know yeah like this is what was going on we would like put socks in our bra and i remember my best friend fiona like this we didn't let this go for years she said we were all like you know we i think i was baby spice no no no that was jerry the redhead sure yeah which spice is that jerry is ginger thank you i was okay anytime and she was baby spice and i remember fiona saying after we all like shot this video on marie's camcorder fiona was like isn't it funny how i'm the smallest one but I have the biggest

boobs and we're all like yeah that's funny yeah that's really funny Fiona so funny Fiona you've nailed how funny that is wait Fiona you're killing it have you ever thought of a career in comedy oh dear fiona goes on the records in my opinion yeah okay we should show you um a picture we should show you a picture from the original record okay and this is just called Mountain Climber on the records. Okay, well, it looks more like a loose stag. Is that a term?

Stag. I don't know, but stalactite? Stalactites and mites. Mite. Which one's which? Yo, there you go. You're right. You're so smart. Thank you. Love to do that type of thing in school. What if I'm wrong?

Someone will tell you. One of the images on the original records is titled Mountain Climber, and it features Gaston Ribouffat. The image was taken by photographer and cinematographer George Tyrez. He was born in 1900 and lived until 1975. Gaston is actually on the line of hot and not hot. Some people would say he's a perfect five. Some people would say he's a ten. others would say he's more like a three.

Nobody would say he's a zero. Nobody. In fact, there may be no people on Earth who are zeros. I struggle to think of one person who would be referred to as a zero. Personality not included. We do not have a photo of George Tyrez, so it is hard for us to determine if he is fuckable. We don't know if he's hot, but he is a photographer and cinematographer, which at least leads him to be... Halfway there.

Halfway there. The photographer, in terms of being hot, was halfway home. We hope he was as hot as his hobbies. One thing that one has to consider when you see an image of somebody hiking on the records is, what do we want to say to aliens about hiking? Is it good? Is it bad? Is it necessary? Is it just something we do to prove that we can? There are times when humans hike because they have no other choice. There are times when humans hike because they have all the choices. There are times when humans hike because they have all the choices in the world

and it's the thing they chose to do. A friend of ours recently said, they think some hikers are just serial killers who found a way to channel that energy. Perhaps this is not an image of a man hiking, but an image of a man not doing serial killing this picture makes me angry does anyone else feel similarly yeah i can't and beth i would really welcome your expertise on this i can't tell if the guy's hot so i can't tell if i care

about it i'm gonna zoom in and that's a great point that you're making i zoom in and he is so in shadow it's almost impossible to know it is impossible to know i'm gonna say it's a no for me on rock climbers in general yeah he also has a high waist he has a high waist and like tights under his pants. Yeah, exactly. He's wearing those, what are they called? Pantaloons with tights. I think they are pantaloons. Yeah, I think those are pantaloons. And he's actually wearing heels, believe it or not. Isn't he?

I mean, he looks like he's wearing like those chunky heels from 2010. There were wedges. Jeffrey Campbell made a thousand of them. They were like were wedges. Jeffrey Campbell made a thousand of them. They were like platform wedges. That's what it looks like he's wearing. Oh my God.

And he has like, I'm trying to look here. If he wasn't so tall, his bottom half would be identical to that of the leprechaun from the movie Leprechaun. Terrifying.

Terrifying. The heels and the little pants. It's tough tell the top i don't mind but it's definitely tucked in and then is that a hat or is his hair i think it's a mushroom i think it's a new long hat okay a little bowl cut i can't for the life of me figure out how he got up there he has the rope so it's like is he on belay did he but if you look in his hand at the rope it's not very long yeah oh i'm seeing something here is it the it won't let me zoom in too far i'm restricted but they don't want us to know the truth the government's behind this you know look if you look like bottom left near the bottom of the stalagmite, I mean, it's rock, everyone.

Oh. There is some sort of rope, it looks like, that leads up and around. This is a detective. You're so correct. Yeah. So I can see where it's leading to him. So then did he walk up that face after that? Because it doesn't continue. I know. I mean, like, by the way, it doesn't feel like...

It doesn't feel like what, Beth? It doesn't feel like, say, he were to fall off the edge. That's still going to be like... Boom! And then it would, like, really catch him hard. You know? He'd be, he'd be like free falling for a while oh my god sorry but then it would snap him so hard that it would break stuff yes he would go like he would go like like if this was his body if my arm was his body he'd go like like it would go like that yeah put that in the fall compilation video for me i'm starting it with you almost falling out of your

chair also i just want to ask is there any update on your delivery oh believe me my eyes are on the gate i'm having trouble getting one eye on mindy one ear on mindy look we've come a long way i don't want to be i want her't want her mad at me. I think because I started being more kind, she's stomping less. So I just want to keep it, keep the peace. But man, her mom's wronged me several times. We don't even want to get into it. She's freaking actually a cruel person. At first I thought it was Mindy but it's actually her mom who was cruel like I was like because when I first moved in even her mom was like

oh my daughter's upstairs kind of eye rolls it she's a little off and I'm like so I'm on freaking team team mom team landlord team Sandy that's the wrong side to be on and then one time i heard them

scream fighting and i was like like to the point where it was out of this world and um i was filming something for comedy central here at my desk it was like following a comedian around and we had to like stop filming and everyone's like are? Anyway, that's when the tables turned. I was like, obviously, it's her mom patronizing her, gaslighting her, a full night here. Then one time she comes into my house. Sorry. She comes in my back door. I don't even know what she's looking for.

Oh, I know. I finally discovered that the window on my back door has been painted open, and I didn't catch it. Are these my sandwiches? Beth is now picking up her computer. Okay, we're going to insert a bunch of tears. Yeah, I think this is it. Beth is masking up, sprinting through her house. Yeah, oh my God. Okay, hold on hold on. I gotta get the mask on.

Take the headphones out of your ears. Take the headphones out of your ears. Oh no, she's taking the computer with her. Hey! For Beth? Yes. Thank you so much. You're welcome. It's heavy. Okay, got it.

Oh, it's heavy. Thank you. You're welcome, I'll get it. Thank you. Fucking dead true. Thank you. Fucking good. I get to eat these sandwiches untouched by Moody. I mean, look, they made a lot of food. What do you think?

What do you think the better sandwiches would be? These ones or the first round? I wonder if Mario's Italian Deli was like, again? Didn't we just make this order? And look, I'm the type of person who, to be honest with you, it's going to haunt me that I didn't tip Elizabeth. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

I totally understand where you're coming from. So what do I do? Should I go back and retroactively tip her? Can you do that? Can you? But then I'm just like tipping a woman for effing up. People make mistakes. You are having... But then I'm just like tipping a woman for effing up. People make mistakes. I'm having a real time.

Well, it's so funny to hear you talk yourself in and out of it. You're like, well, no, people do make mistakes. So tip her. But at the same time, it's like, is this encouraging bad behavior? It's like training a dog. And look, if you saw what she looked like. I'm just kidding. I was like, oh it was hard for me because i don't even want to get into it

she looks perfect is what i'm saying i think she's had a perfect life okay oh one of those okay love that for her you put the you put the sandwiches upstairs you said you said fuck you you fucked up i never got the sandwiches you take a picture of them in front of mindy's door did anybody order any sandwich yeah i can't tell you how much we're gonna release this episode but every time you whisper i'm like beth it's going to the world i know i'm sorry you're right okay oh no we're excited we're thrilled i mean this has been more about my landlords than i thought it would be but i discovered the door was the i'm so sorry the back door is painted open the windows painted open so i text him oh my god you guys also i was blowing fuses like crazy when

my toaster oven was on or my dryer and i noticed that when i blew the fuse and i said hey i'm blowing fuses like crazy and they blame me we're like well then don't freaking it's an old building stuff don't push it finally i'm a detective over here i noticed noticed that. You asked Mindy how many things she was plugged into. I said, no, I generally, I was like, she was running a juicer upstairs real loud. I was like, I linked to hers. I noticed that when my dryer went out, the back parking lot for everyone in the building light went out. And I was like, I think I'm paying for the entire building's nighttime parking lot. They said no. Six months goes by.

I go, I'm telling you. I think because I'm blowing the fuses. They hired an electrician to come. Because you can hear everything in this building, which is why I'm whispering. Even though it is going out into the public. I listened when the electrician came from my bathroom. And he was like, she's right. The entire parking lot is on her breaker.

And I hear the mom go, well, what do you think we should do? And I'm like, Peyton, bow. She's a comedian. And she's like, successful one. She can afford it. But anyway, so they took like $400 off my bill, but not before yelling. So this is when she's yelling at me by my back door. I've let this woman in my house, which I never should have let her in.

She's yelling at me like how it's a vintage door, and she's so upset that she has to replace it. It's such a shame. We like to keep everything vintage. I go, well, I mean, you can. She's like, no, we can't. We can't fix it. The window's painted open. It's a shame. I go, well, I mean, you can. She's like, no, we can't. We can't fix it. The window's painted open.

It's a shame. And I'm like, okay. And I start crying because she's yelling in my face. And I was trying to get ready for Lights Out with David Spade, so that gives you an idea. It wasn't long ago that I cried. And I was writing jokes sitting at my desk, and then she comes to knock on the back door and is yelling at my face

that it's such a shame that we have to get rid of the door and how I complain too much. But I had been complaining about sound because I didn't notice that the door was painted open because she put a curtain over it when I first moved in. My bad for not noticing it for two years, but I was on the road for at least one. Two years!

Anyway, she looks at me and i start crying and she goes you need to get help and i go do you want me to leave like do you like should i leave this apartment should i move and she's like it's up to you it's whatever you want it's you know you're month to month and i'm like like, I go, I'm a good dinner. I'm clean. I pay out white. I can't help that you painted the back door open. I was paying for the garage for a year.

I'm paying for, yes, for all the back parking lot lighting. And then she goes, all right, you're clean. You're a mensch. You pay on time. No hard feelings. Oh, it sucks to hear she's a Jew. And walks out. And I'm like, no hard feelings?

I have some. The hardest feelings of all time. My feelings could cut glass. Yes. Like, I will never trust you again. And I don't want you near me. And I will avoid you at all costs. I honestly, I hate to say it.

I think we do have to put your landlords on the record. And listen, Beth, it's not because we think they rock. It's because we're kind of like, they need to know. Yeah, we have to make an example of them. I have the voicemail, but I'm currently recording my track into my phone. I think it might be illegal to play it anyway. In the state of California. Probably on some level.

I'm sure somebody on HeadGum's legal team would be like, sorry guys, it's funny. Better not. Better not. Oh God, this really took a turn and I'm sorry I made it about them. I cannot thank you more. Do you scream in someone's face and tell them to get help after you've just nearly told them that you're paying for the entire building's lighting and that your door is painted open before before we go i do want to say number one perfect episode and i mean that from my heart but number two we wanted to ask you, is there anything in all of humanity on earth that you think is so embarrassing we should delete it?

And before you answer, we just want to tell you it doesn't have to be war, famine. Right, right. The obvious is we'll take away. Well, they're gone. We'll take those out. Yeah, they're gone. Those are already gone. We've taken out the things that you first go to.

And we've added world peace out the things that you first go to and we've added world peace just as like an addendum so i mean i can think of personal moments i'd love to scrub but i think humanity i think it would be best to delete white dreadlocks oh yeah thank you that might be the best delete it so far i think it is do you know how many people would thank me like thank you because i have been dreading those photos getting released like we wiped it i've been white dread locking i've been white dreading those photos getting released white dread there's a concept that's basically that was the new york times uh editorial after trump won just white dread was the theme of all of the interviews was white dread.

That's such a good delete it because the people that would be upset I don't care for. And the people that would be grateful I care deeply for. So there it is. White dreads. I love that. There is one musician that I like and I'm not going to say his name because I don't know if he's white or not. I'm just kidding. Do what? I don't know if Citizen Cope had dreads or not.

I really pulled that out of my head. Does his name start with a T? No. Oh. Okay. I don't know if he's white or not, but he has dreads. And every time I see him perform in a video, I'm like, if you're white, I cannot stand. I just need to Google it.

I need to Google this singer race. Because white dreads are such a turnoff. It's just the fact that it's also a, it's among other things, the obvious things. It's also, how do you, how do I say this?

It's the epitome of it's not for you. Right. It's the, because your hair isn't meant to do that of it's not for you. Right. It's the epitome, because your hair isn't meant to do that. That's not for you. So the fact that you had to try so hard. It takes so much effort to get a white person's hair to do that. Yes.

Right. The effort should let you know that you shouldn't be doing it in this case. Yes. It's just not for you. Hey, it's not for you. Tabbing someone on the shoulder. Hey, it's not tapping someone on the shoulder hey it's not you're not meant to have it yeah i mean i would be curious about their argument someone with them's argument like what would they bring one on we'll bring a white dread on to argue with you and we'll just say hey guys um

it's not a trap but we do we do want you to come on and argue your case. We'll also hear from you about other things if you want, but a big chunk of your time will have to be spent defending yourself, if that's okay. I mean, look, I don't think the point we're saying is like somebody be like, well, I mean, I had him, I just didn't know or whatever. It's like, we're not saying you're a horrible person but like aren't you thankful if we delete it? Yeah I think you would be. I mean surely it's going to be hard to get rid of them. So if we like

once you've done it even if you start to regret it you'd have to shave your head. Right. Yes. So it's like maybe if we just delete it they'll be like I've been trying for years to find a way out of this and I can't because I've gone too far. Oh, we're offering them a hand up and not a hand out. We're saying, listen, you want out, we want you to get out.

Yeah, that's nice. We're here to help. Well, Beth, I think that's it. Thank you so much. I took the golden record so serious it was tough to choose. You gave us so many good things to pick from. Thank you so much for doing it. I enjoyed hanging with you.

And thanks for being more during the sandwich debacle. Duh. Any time. Next time your sandwich gets delivered to the wrong door, give us a call. What do you think I should do? Like, should I tip Elizabeth? I'm so... Do you want to know what we would do?

Because I think both of us would go back and tip. Both of us would go back and tip. I will. But I don't think you have a moral obligation to. I don't think you do either. I just think both of us would let it eat us alive. Caleb scratched my car the other day. Well, it's clearly eating me alive.

Yeah. Oh, no. And he talked about how it would have been possible for him to lie about it yeah i thought about lying i scratched elby's car driving it and i really thought about lying but i was like you know what it's just gonna be too hard on me and so that kind of thing is how i know he would also go back and tip because i would have it's about me not about her you don't have to do it for me yeah i will go back and tip. It felt like a roller coaster because I am mad at Elizabeth. But the food is here now.

But you don't have to tip her well. You just have to tip her. I will. I'm going to tip her. I'm going to. Throw her five bucks. Thank you for just being a sounding board for this sandwich situation. Beth, we're really huge fans of yours and we'll always be here for you, to be honest.

Thank you. Thank you. I can't wait to share this episode. Beth, we're really huge fans of yours and we'll always be here for you, to be honest. Thank you. Thank you. I can't wait to share this episode, put it on a burned CD, and leave it up at her door by the rotting sandwiches. We're going to find Mindy and make sure she listens, just so you know. I'm looking up. I'm pulling out a telephone book and looking at anyone named Mindy. And we'll work our way through.

And Melinda, and anything that I think might also be Mindy. And I'm making some phone calls. We do a grassroots marketing policy here. Anyone that might know our guests gets a call from us. Okay, I gotta deal with this now. Go up and tell her to just keep the sandwiches and the chips. Okay, we have to go. Bye, dude. Okay, I gotta deal with this now. Go up and tell her to just keep the sandwiches and the chips. Okay, we have to go.

Bye, babe. Okay, bye. That was a Hiddem Original.