Keeping Records - It's Not Nothing (with Robby Hoffman)

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

What if we sent the absolute most unhinged takes on present-day society to the aliens on a Golden Record? Would it confuse them? Maybe make us seem wild and ungovernable?  Or do they also think that only women and children should be allowed to wear flip flops and that all dogs should be kept outside?  Those are the questions we reckon with on this week's episode with "small ex-Hasidic queer Jewish stand-up comedian, writer, and true original," Robby Hoffman. A must-listen, especially if you're an alien that thinks you might want to make contact with the human race to your own detriment.  Robby's Artifacts Hallways and Rooms Hardware Stores Neapolitan Ice Cream $100 Bill Follow Robby on Instagram and Twitter.  Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konichiwa.

Hola y saludo satou. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, before the recording you were saying that i looked really good i was saying guys i we got to the studio remember that we got to the studio and i went out of my way to say shelby did you want to tell me i look good today i look normal i look normal normal normal no he's got a good color scheme going on it's actually important that c Caleb doesn't take that from himself. He's got a good color scheme going on. Oh, no. Shelby, stop.

Keep going. You seem tan for whatever reason. Yeah, no, stop, stop. Keep going, keep going, keep going. When I landed in LA from Cleveland, Ohio, someone was like, you look really tan. And I was like, to get tan in Cleveland. You did look kind of tan. I would know.

I picked you up from LAX. I picked you up from LAX. I would know. I picked, to the listeners, I picked you up. Yeah, you did pick me up. Wait, I want to give a quick SO, shout out. I met a big little freak this weekend. Whoa. Temmie?

Temmie. Temmie. Shout out Temmie. Temmie came up to me, said, I like you. Whoa. Was it sexual? No. Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry, Sheld. No, it's fine. I know. It would just be nice to have those kind of advances. Yeah, no, it's always nice, but... You've got a situation, but it's always nice. It's always nice, but it just wasn't. It didn't.

Yeah. And sometimes it isn't. Something we haven't been able to stop talking about, Shelby and I in person, this is another SO. This is, of course, Free Cloud for the Girlies. And the babies. Because what we're talking about now no no no and they would hate that

and they would hate that this is Free Cloud for the Girlies and the Vabies the Vabies ladies our friend Naomi in the band Moona iconic best band on earth, has been singing the Phoebe Bridgers part

of Silk Chiffon on tour, and we can't stop talking about how good they've been doing. And specific, I mean... When she turns around halfway down the aisle With a young camera smile Like she wants to try Naomi's crushing that shit, dog! When they get on camera and smile like she wants to try.

Naomi's crushing that shit, dog. We have to give it up. I wanted to give Free Cloud to the girlies, but I had a few different songs, and I decided to do one that I know you'll agree with, so that later in life I can be more controversial. Okay. And it's going to go ahead and be Dearly Departed by Shaky Graves. Oh my goodness.

Now this is a song I love. Now this is a song I love. It's so good. Let's play a little bit of it. Anya, are you able to play music? Anya just sat down. Anya, can we play a little bit of Dearly Departed

by Shaky Graves? Anya, can you play it and guess what it is? Anya was away and then we started screaming about Dearly Departed. Guys, here's a little fun fact for the little freaks. People seem to have missed the announcement that

Mike has left us to help a struggling podcast get on its feet. And continue to ask. And so, yeah, Mike is gone because he is helping. Mike is running the radio program for the NYPD now. Yeah. So he controls all of the traffic. Like if you buy one of those radio responders, yeah.

Uh-huh. Yep. Yep. He talks between the radio calls. Yeah. When they're waiting on calls, he goes, that was MIPD going to do some stuff in Manhattan. He does things like that. Yeah.

Next up, we've got big homicide. Yeah. But we never met Mike in person. And already now, we've met our new producer in person. So much quicker than we ever could have possibly met Mike. Shout out to Anya. So, so, so not working for the NYPD, which we love about Anya. Anya, do we have Dearly Departed?

Okay, here goes. Anna, Anna. Okay, here it goes. So true. So true, that part. Had a little fun with it. Lyrics unmatched. You and I both know the house is haunted. You and I both know

the ghost is me. Right, right. You should get me in your bed. She's just a rat. We are chains. Well, back then, baby, it didn't seem so strange. Come on.

Well, I think we can cut that. That, because we'll listen to the whole song. I've driven around with you. You know we'll listen to the whole song you i've driven around with you you know we'll listen to the whole song i would love to you would love to drive around and listen to that song with me yeah what else would you want to do hold hands what tell me what else you'd want to do what are you wearing sweatshirt you see me oh okay yeah sweatshirt. You see me. Oh, okay. Yeah. Sweatshirt, jeans. Sweatshirt, jeans, sneakers. Yum, yummo. Yummo.

What if I said yummo during sexting? Yummo. Yummo. The yum center in Kentucky. What are the yum center in Kentucky? What are the three? I'm taking her to the yum center. What are the top three words that have said to you in sexting that feel like maybe they could be said that would absolutely make you put your phone away?

Could be said to me during sexting? Yeah. Or sex. Scrumptious. Scrumptious. Scrumptious. Scrumptious. Like, oh, if I sent like a nude, which I don't do, by the way.

I don't send nudes. But if I sent a nude, well, I mean, I mostly don't send nudes. What do you do with the ones I take of you those are just for my collection yeah i i i i jerk off to those i whack i whack off to those pictures of myself uh scrumptious for sure never call me scrumptious never say scrumptious in a sexual context um what else oh One of my favorite tweets of all time, I don't know who this person is, but someone tweeted, I be sexting like, is that so?

And I really think that's so funny. But yeah, maybe that. And then what else could you not say to me during sex? Someone, I mean, I do stand up about this.

I haven't done this joke in a while though. I'm not going to do the joke, but someone during sex in the past year called me beautiful, like during a random hookup. And I thought that was extremely out of pocket. I wanted him to serve some jail time for that.

Random hookup? What would you prefer he had said, just out of curiosity? Hot, sexy, you know, or nothing, silence would have sufficed. I definitely don't call me, I didn't know his name. Why is he calling me beautiful?

That's insane. Beautiful is such a, like a truly intimate word. Yeah. And it's like, he's right, but I'm also hot. So like, let's focus on what's the matter. It's not, it's not about it being true or false. It's about like the weird intimacy of the word itself. It's like, we are, it's having kids.

We're not making love. Yeah. We're not like, we're not like creating a life together. I'm not going to talk to you after this. are you calling me beautiful i really do think it's like yeah it's an intimacy violation where it's like that's not really what we're doing you know what was the intonation can you do an impression i mean yeah we were like hooking up and he was like you know you're so beautiful and i was like you got to get the fuck out of here. I'm kidding.

I mean, we obviously finished, but it was weird. What would you not want said to you during sexting or sex? I think you have a solid list. So it's not, those aren't off the table, but saying that maybe there has to be three separate words um i hmm what if i was like everything's on the table for me one of the most picky particular people in the world you know what i will say i have you are very particular i will say this i this this is a controversial one i have hooked up with i can't believe

I have like family that listens to this podcast and I actually do want to apologize to you guys. I continue to talk about things. I continue to talk about things that I really don't think you should probably listen to. Guys have called me faggot during sex before and I've not made them

stop. I won't say I won't say I want it. I won't say I want it. I won't say I like it. But there were definitely a couple of times that I was like, that's fine. My stomach hurts. I wish I wouldn't have shared that. Let's not cut it

because I believe in being honest. But you go ahead. I don't like the this is more what someone would ask me to say but I daddy is out of the way it's out it's not allowed okay okay someone would ask me to say well not Lindsay but like when I've had sex with men they'll be like there are men that like like to be called daddy and there's nothing grosser to me. It makes me feel like a child. It makes me feel like I'm three years old

and I'm in trouble. Daddy. Oh, daddy. You do it in a southern accent. Daddy. I mean, that is sort of my defense mechanism. If someone's like, say this and I don't know what to do, I will be kind of like, okay, daddy. And then it's like, well, now we're in a bad place.

It would be better to just say no. Now we're in a bad place that I have to go home. Shelby, are you sexually a top or a bottom? The listeners don't get to know how I have sex. They know. They need to know. They don't get to know how I have sex because my mom is one of the listeners. Hey, Jillian, take your headphones off, Shelby.

Go ahead. No. Okay, answer me this. You don't have to... What's going on out there? Are you a top or a bottom? Blink once if you're a bottom. Yeah, that's what I thought.

She blinked, folks. Bitch. All right, all right, all right. No. Oh, wait. What is this? We got a message. What's the message say?

Okay, Anya. Oh, my God. Anya says, Shelby gives serious bottom vibes. Could never be a top. Doesn't have what it takes. Anya!, Shelby gives serious bottom vibes, could never be a top, doesn't have what it takes. Anya! Oh my God, our producer just dragged Shelby to hell and back in the chat.

I can't say I disagree. What were you saying, Shelby? I'm just pissed off, that's all. You're pissed off? Why? I'm trying to create drama. It's good. The listeners like a little bit of, oh my God my god I'm gonna get accused of bullying you again

I just remembered oh god our six listeners who think you get bullied are gonna be sounding off in the reviews well five stars if you do let's focus on what matters here babe hey no worries guys as long as it's five stars we don't

we care but we you know you know you guys know um i tried to get you to come out let's talk actually we do have a little bit of drama to talk about on the pot before our guest gets here i tried to get you to come out with me this weekend yeah and i was drunk and i was vulnerable and caleb for the record drinks seasonally once a season once I would say quarterly or usually it's become quarterly it's quarterly that's only this year um I was drunk I was vulnerable I begged you to come out you didn't do you want to explain that to a little bit to me and to the listeners okay you didn't come out with me that's fine I I wish that i had i am jealous that you had a good time and would have

loved to have been a part of it but what really hurts my feelings now that we're getting into it is that then caleb went ahead and did some i'll let i would have never known but then caleb publicly posted on the internet that he was voice memoing and calling late at night the people he loves most. No, that's not what I said. And I did not get any of those attempts at communication. That's not what I said. What did you say? You said, sorry if you got a voice memo or a call from me. And I didn't get either. I have to imagine that that means you were sending him around.

No. I reached out to some people. I reached out to some people I should not have been reaching out to. And some people that I can reach out to. I reached out to a couple of people. And we'll call, yeah, I reached out. I sent some drunk voice memos and calls to some people.

And I will say the none of, I really shouldn't drink. And I don't think I't drink and and the problem with you drinking is not how you behave when you're drunk because you are fun and normal normal fun drunk guy but the problem is that because you don't do it often the stuff that we've all sort of built little little things within ourselves to fight yeah you haven't built, you don't have those muscles exercised yet. I do it like a 20 year old. I'm like tweeting, I'm like tweeting like,

the bar has a bad vibe. I'm like calling people I flirted with three years ago. I really, I get drunk like a sorority girl who's in her second semester of freshman year. And it's, yeah, it's gotta stop.

Well, it's never really started. I went to to last night. Thank you. I believe that. But I went there and I went, I got a drink. Lindsay and I got a drink. And then they checked my ID, which I think was nice of them.

I feel like I'm at the age where it is nice to get my ID checked. I still get my ID checked everywhere. Everyone thinks I'm 16, but it is always nice to get the little check. And the bartender, a girl, was like, do you want a shot? And I was like, oh, my God, okay. And then starts pouring the most elaborate shot I've ever seen in my life like eight juices three different kinds of liquor I'm like what is going on and then she just goes oh my god that's for someone else what did you want I was ready to have like this like a

candy drop little guy and it was nothing it wasn't for me Shelby you know what I'm ready to have a conversation with our guest so much fun with our guest today. Guys, we have... This is a landmark episode of the pod. Today we have... This is a landmark episode of the pod. You know her as one of Vulture's top comedians to watch in 2020. This is going to absolutely...

I'm freaking out. Move the direction of the podcast forever. Which is stressful for me, personally. She's an exocytic, queer, Jewish stand-up comedian. We are so excited for our guest today. Please help us welcome Robbie Hoffman! Robbie, we want to ask you.

Actually, we decided we want to tell you, hey, the first thing you told us that you were going to put on your golden records to send to space is hallways and rooms do you want to describe that? you've got to bring back they went crazy with this open concept you know I guess

I get it for work like okay at work your boss wanted to be on top of you even more in this sicko power weird thing. But then you brought it to your own home? Why do you want to be looked at at your own home? What's wrong with you? Can't you see I'm in here?

Can't you see I'm doing something? Bring back hallways. Bring back rooms. Close the door. I am in here. Like, I am doing this. You recently moved, you recently moved into your own place,

right? So this is coming from a space. Oh, I'm in an office that closes when I want it and that's the end of it. Now I have the door

wide open right now. Why would you do that? Well, because of the cat, Caleb. I get that. I get that.

I get that. I get that. I get that. I get that. She wants to stay in here. My cat needs freedom. If I don't let my cat have the illusion of choice, she'll be wherever she wants to be.

If I say the door's open, she'll stay away. Yeah. The thing is, is like the whole thing. I like like two rooms as an open car. Like I love a living room kitchen. Excellent for entertainment.

I totally agree. Beautiful. I don't want to see somebody's office where in the corner of their workout, they have a mechanical bike. They have something. Put it in a room. And I'm not yelling at you if you're poor and in a studio. Okay?

This is not. I am. This is not for you. Literally. First of all, you're poor. Grow up. Whose fault is that? Lazy.

Lazy. Lazy. First and foremost, lazy. Bootstraps. Let's get to Poland get to poland freeloading we don't know who's paying for the studio at this point but anyway i don't want to see dumbbells that you never use i need separate rooms for certain things imagine they're gonna have a toilet in the corner certain one in jail cells and there is i once went by the way i i spend on dates ladies by the way okay oh my god i did a staycation okay room at the w it's not nothing okay it's something by the way apparently justin timberlake stayed at the exact same room

it's montreal it's's Montreal where they speak French. Yeah, je parle français. Je viens de Montréal aussi. Oh, I have to leave. I have to leave. You're taking me on a date. I speak both languages. There I am in the room.

Both languages as if there's only two. Both languages. English and French. I speak them both. I speak both languages, by and French. I speak them both. Okay. I speak both languages, by the way. A glass cylinder in the middle of the room, which is what the whole bathroom was. And it's like, if you're on a date, like, I'm going to need some privacy here. Wait, yes.

You bring up a really good thing about hotels and glass bathrooms. I have... Make it stop. good thing about um hotels and glass bathrooms i have there's almost they even in the way that like a shower that is see-through can be sexy there is also a toilet in the bathroom there's always a toilet in the bathroom that's actually the primary focus of a bathroom so the glass wall it doesn't function in the sexy way it it can be sexy for like a 15 minute shower. And then. My silhouette when I'm taking a post dinner shit is not, it's not turning anybody on.

No. And some people it might be killed. My sister always said, you can think of it, it's happening. So, you know, some people might.

Well, she's in tech sales. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. So the thing with the bathroom too is, is I don't mind. Sometimes they give you a, in the bathroom and a hotel, there's also a smaller room just for the toilet,

but that room is too small. It's too small the room. I feel like I just fit in and that's me. Okay. And then what, if you're going to do the bathroom, within the bathroom, the toilet, and the separate room in the bathroom, I still want a door by the sink and everything. I don't want to be doing my cream,

whatever I do in front. I want privacy. I don't like when they just do the toilet and then the, the sink is open concept. Do you know what I love? My, my favorite hotel in Kansas city, which I will not name because on this podcast we

give no free clap for the girlies good my favorite hotel in Kansas City where I always stay when I'm home they have not only a bathroom with a door in the bedroom that's separate from everything that you can't see through they also have a bathroom on each floor by the elevators critical floor bathroom and and a lot and they have a lobby bathroom. Incredible. So if you really need to get away, that's how you got to do a hotel. That's a hotel worth paying for.

Yeah. Robbie, you have to know. That's a $200 a night hotel. I got to go to Kansas City, Montreal's bed. You got to go to Kansas City. Robbie, you have to know about the bathroom in Caleb and mine's

first apartment in LA. My bathroom, which was a toilet shower. And then the sink was actually in my bedroom no i can't cross the room across the room and so everything about that was disorienting every start to finish and then there was no drawers nothing you had to get everything in the bathroom and then just a standalone sink with a mirror. I toured an apartment once in Chicago that, uh,

there were, there were three apartments on the floor. They shared a bathroom on the floor. There was not a bathroom in the apartment. Oh yeah, that happens in New York. It's sick. You know what?

I grew up, that's a dorm. That's a dorm. I grew up poor as hell. And my standards are this. Okay. For even a studio. And listen up up if you're still poor and lazy, you lazy fuck.

Okay. I hate a studio. Sometimes I'll give you a studio that has a bathroom. It's got a toilet and like a closet shower. And then the only sink is outside the bathroom. And that's also your kitchen sink. I do not share a sink with the kitchen. Okay.

I'm not brushing my teeth where I wash a dish. What am I, an animal? If you live, if this doesn't motivate you to better your life, if you are sharing a bathroom and kitchen sink, nothing will. And you deserve exactly where you are. Wait, have you ever gone to like a bar where they do that with the sink, where the sink is, it's like bathroom, bathroom, you leave the bathrooms and it's like a trough style sink in between.

We've gone so crazy with the gender stuff that now everything's coming. I don't want you near me, sir. Okay. the gender stuff that now everything's coming i don't want you near me sir okay i don't i don't need to use coming out zipping up when i'm here do it finishing the final touches on the bell now and that's also sick i don't have a solution for any of this all i've come to do is i never have a solution i I never have Give us more rooms When it's out just put a wall on it And see what happens I

Something about this has Made me think about ghosts I can't explain that but Ghosts don't Ghosts need walls and rooms Like hallways and rooms ghosts aren't in an open concept Apartment do you know what I mean No I don't know need walls and rooms like hallways and rooms ghosts aren't in an open concept apartment do you know what i mean no i don't know what you mean you don't ghosts need to be able to hide behind the wall whenever somebody brings up ghosts and they get there you know what you're

really niching your audience it's like sure like first of all and i watched i watched that netflix series incredible i know i didn't give freebies but it's like afterlife or something and there's a couple stories but it's like when you're talking it's like when freebies, but it's like afterlife or something. And there's a couple of stories. But it's like when you're talking, it's like when somebody brings up aliens. It's like an alien or the apocalypse. I'm like, Robbie, that's the entire premise of the podcast. Is it? Okay. I'm not talking about any of those things.

I'm not talking about any of those things. And we love it. And we love it. We need hallways and rooms. Hallways and rooms. Robbie Hoppin needs hallways and rooms. Is that fair to say? Mm-hmm.

Okay, great. Well, before we get into your next item, we're going to throw it a break because, Robbie, we got to pay the bills. We have ads. Welcome Bark. Fuck. Robbie, we ask every guest this.

Would you give us a bark? What do you mean, like a dog? I'm not doing that. No, they can't do that. No, I have limits as a person. A lot of people don't know that this is actually anti-Semitic, Kayla, because in the Holocaust, a lot of people don't know this. They call Jews untermenschen, which means subhuman,

and they had posters going around with insects and insects and dogs on them you know labeling those you're right to say no and i am i'm not barking as a person robbie we're allowing you to say no we're not going to force the issue we just have to ask thank you we robbie i want you to know about this segment we it was an accident once and we have continued to do it. We are scared every week to say this because it's a horrible question. Who is doing it? Name names.

Everyone. Every single one. You are the second person to say no. Who was the first? And you're correct. Who was the first? Was it Taylor Guerin? Oh, that checks out.

Love her to bits. Maybe. That checks out. People should be saying no to this. You know That checks out. We're not barking like dogs. People should be saying no to this. You know, they really have to self-evaluate. No, you know what? It was, oh, why can't I think of her name?

Abby McEnany. It was Abby McEnany. Oh, my God. Of course. Do you know Abby? From Work in Progress? Yes. Yeah, you guys would get along great.

I'd start barking on command like this. It's true. It's true. It's true. And you and Abby would get on great, actually. I love that show so fucking much. I mean, I only know Abby from the show. She's great. Your second item, Shelby, do you want to say it or should I?

Your second item is hardware stores. Oh. I mean, speaking of that, listen, I don't want to be like a poster like you know what i'm sick of just being like jewish i'm nothing i'm like a straight that's how i identify now like 2022 i'm straight and i'm republican and that's it i'm gonna say goodbye to everybody no i'm kidding i'm kidding but while i'm still in the space that i'm in hardware stores I had to go there the other day. I mean, I didn't have to, I could have gone online, but it was like, you know what the pilgrimage, it's like a real store. It's like they have stuff. Like I feel

like hardware stores have everything you need. And we just lost them. I just want to bring them back. They're always like have the greatest signs outside like they have old school signs so that's more of like nostalgic like a hardware store smells really good i don't know if it's because of my orientation but i just love clicking around perusing fiddling at a hardware store you know i'll pick up when you say your orientation you mean yeah i would say like i don't know if that's the thing with heart you know i don't know how many gay men want to be walking through the hardware store but you know

they're redoing their homes they're redoing their homes these gays Caleb's saying not me Caleb and I have been known I didn't say not me not many

I said not many oh because you know I like a hardware store Caleb and I have spent hours and hours together at hardware stores this is what I mean

there is was it at it had to be at because we're a family. We're a family, yeah. I checked that. But they let you cut your own wood in the aisle. Oh, God, Robbie, I wish you'd been there for me.

That's so exciting. And we were cutting wood. Shelby was cutting. Shelby was adamant. I was watching. I said, do you want help? She said, no. I said, I'm not going to press the issue.

I'm on Instagram. First of all, I'm in Birkenstocks. I'm in Birkenstocks. I'm in Birkenstocks. I'm getting sort of harassed about the Birkenstocks. Not proper shoe protocol, whatever. I am cutting the wood. I'm doing an amazing job. I'm doing a flawless job.

She is. She's sweating, though. She looks like she's struggling. Well, because it was a big piece of work. I cut all your fingers. OK, I sliced a tomato. I'm not going to be alive. I almost took out.

I have to get a single stitch because I had a new knife. You got a stitch for that? I had a new knife, and I was just like, you know what? I'm making guac squash from scratch, and I like tomatoes in it. And I slice, and oh, it's this. Yeah. And then, so they wanted me. I had to go.

It wasn't stopping to bleed after like an hour and i was like oh i if it's not stopping to bleed so i went he's like oh yeah we got to do a stitch i'm like right now so he does the stitch up it felt as bad and then he's like a week later you'll come back and you'll take we'll take the stitch out not me you don't think i watched alone i watched it off alone i said i'm taking my own stitch out. I watched a video on YouTube and I, I held the stitch up, got the little scissors in and then pulled my own stitch out, which felt as gross as you can imagine. And I'm good. So imagine cutting wood. I'm lucky to be alive. My, my family friend took my stitches out at the Thanksgiving table.

Yeah. And, and what a nightmare. It's a ruse. But thank you. I do really have to thank you for bringing up the show alone because it's a perfect show. It's a flawless show.

It's a show I can't get. Incredible. And it's a, you know, we see, you know, this medical complex and they're making up things and diagnosing, giving pills for everything. They're also telling you, you have to come back for you to take your stitches out you

do not take your own stitch out what are you what is the show what is the show i've never heard of alone is like survivor without cat like without any help so it's like they stick somebody out in the middle of nothing you have 10 tools and you have to film yourself as well there's literally nobody but you you set up a tripod that would be the hardest part for me is the tech and you have to film yourself as well. There's literally nobody but you. You have to set up a tripod. That would be the hardest part for me is the tech. Anya too. Yeah, no, we know. The tech would be the hardest. The tech would be the hardest part, but

yeah, and a lot of them almost die basically. There's no challenges though. Like Survivor has challenges. No, the challenge is being alive is a challenge. This is just go out there and survive. Yeah, there's a barrier. Being alive is a challenge, honey. I've always said the biggest challenge in life is a challenge. This is just go out there and survive. Yeah, there's a bear right outside. Being alive is a challenge, honey. I've always said the biggest challenge in life is continuing it. Yeah.

Being alive, that's a challenge. And they are playing that game. But back to, I'm going to flash us back to, I'm cutting wood. I'm doing a good job, but it's taking me some time. Yeah. Some guy comes up to me and he just goes, you want a little help with that? He may as well have called you little lady like he did he didn't say little lady but it had it had little lady energy it was

literally as if he had said oh my my my a little lady like that's why i like a man showing up is there no no i do if he's helping with the hardware store i don't want him zipping up the rest of his pants at the bathroom at the bar. But I do. He might as well have. It had the same energy. It had the same energy.

It had the same energy. Robbie, I think Robbie's drawing a hard line on this, though. She wants help at the hardware store. Oh, yeah. You're warning my son. Does that mean they'll help you at the hardware store? I mean, did he know how to chop it? We didn't let him try.

We didn't let him try. I was doing a fine job. I left Shelby alone because I said, this isn't my fight. After he asked the third time, I said, hey, I think she's got it. I was like, because I'm starting to get it. This is harassment. This is not just asking. Robbie, I would help you at any hardware store

ever. Thank you. Same. I would go with you. I would do anything. Same. I'll help, but I do think you both have got it. Shelby, you got it, clearly. You're not even asking for it. I'm not even offering anymore after that story. You're going to get canceled. Shelby's going to cancel you, Robbie.

Yeah, I'm not. I'm not offering you. Yeah, I'm posting his picture around town. Do you worry about getting canceled? What are you going to say to me? Do you worry about getting canceled? What are you gonna say to me do you worry about getting canceled what are you gonna say no i think people who are you know the the people doing all the stuff are worried the only people worried are like you know if they've been like ceos of things for a long time and you know you're getting there though as you become ceo the people who know what they've done

are worried. And the people, it's like, I'm saying everything here. What are you going to say to me? I'm saying it. You have said on this episode that we've gone too far with the gender stuff and that you're a Republican. Well, with the open concept only bathrooms, with the sink.

I don't know. People can click that up we could just so then don't take it out of context don't take it out of context you know what we could have instead of the open concept troughs we could have rooms with sinks like gender neutral just one person unless you're an area for conjoined twins okay you can go in too that's it thank you thank you for covering the conjoined twins clause okay can't get Robbie on the conjoined twins no you're not going to be getting me on that I am sympathetic

okay so we've got hallways and rooms we've got hardware stores Robbie the next thing you sent to us to put on your records is if you can possibly believe it Neapolitan ice cream. Which is a departure from what we've had so far, I'll say. Delicious.

You know what? It's such a classic. And I do remember it coming. And they still have Breyers in the box or whatever. But it's like people have gone so crazy with ice cream. And it's like we just want a taste. Like I don't need an entire brownie in the ice cream. That's why I'm getting ice cream. I don't want ice cream. And it's like, we just want to taste like, I don't need an entire brownie in the ice cream. That's why I'm getting ice cream. So I want, I don't want a brownie. I'm going to get the brownie. You know, I don't mind a piece. Here's what I love. Like a simple scoop of like

vanilla with like a piece of sponge cake. Now I understand I'm aging myself as 93. Okay. Cause that's the age I was born. I wouldn't say it's like that is what you are doing but it's like the simple stuff so you could really taste it if you have a billion flavors in your ice cream you're swirling you got rolos in there you got you're not tasting you're tasting a mishmash when you aren't just the chocolate strawberry which I've leaned into recently but I was always strawberry felt like it was for old people and now i'm into it fair and nine years old we got there and then vanilla like you taste them all when you want to mix you mix like within reason you're mixing so like just maybe a chocolate

with strawberry but people are so crazy and also if you go to a nice restaurant if you go to like a nice italian restaurant they're gonna bring you a simple piece of cake they're gonna bring you like two scoops of a simple gelato they're gonna bring you something nice with a really rich flavor profile you have to go to like you go to cold stone creamery if you want them to jam a bunch of shit in there imagine going to like a five-star restaurant and looking at the dessert menu on the table well that would be fucking dope to me and you know that because the way to like a five star restaurant and looking at the dessert menu. They do cold stone on the table. Well, that would be fucking dope to me. And you know that because the way I like a Caesar salad on the side in front of me to happen.

But thank you. Thank you. I knew you'd get it. I got harassed on this podcast. Fun is fun. Fun is fun. No debate. fun is fun but imagine imagine scrolling scrolling looking to the bottom of a uh like a five-star menu and and it's like like snickers ice cream covered in like like it really goes in yeah it's like yeah hot fudge snickers ice cream with a peanut butter yeah center you'd probably

order it like listen i self-contradict all the time you'd probably order it the other thing i don't like about like fancy ice cream uh fancy restaurants when you get to the dessert is like they stick like praline or like something like really old like okay mix that like i'm not saying but if you had you know and i can never even say neapolitan did i say it properly properly? You said it perfectly. Thank you. If they had that on a menu, a lot of people would get it. It's a hit. You know what else is a hit? If you just had a lava cake with a little, with a little scoop of vanilla ice cream. Okay. Thank you for saying that about lava cake. Okay. A little lava cake, like

and one scoop of ice cream. It would sell out. Like, what are you guys doing? I want restaurants. I demand restaurants actually stop deconstructing. I don't want to. Construct it. Your job is to construct it. I come.

I consume. I don't want a dust of literally anything. I never want a dust. No. Put it in. One of my favorite places to get lunch in LA, I won't say, they have a rule. You can't wear tank tops, flip flops, or hats. I agree.

You like that? Flip flops? Flip flops are funny. Who cares? Who cares? I'm paying. I'm paying. I'm paying.

If I want my feet out. I'm paying too. Exactly. It doesn't matter. You stay home. I don't want to.. If I want my feet out. I'm paying too. Exactly. It doesn't matter. You stay home. I don't want to. I don't want to. No.

No. Wait, but I have a question. I have a question, Robbie. Because, Robbie. No, if I'm paying good money, I'll have my toes out. I have a question for the folks. And I'll wear a hat with my toes out. One more point.

Bring back rooms. You're in your own little pod. No. I'm in my pod. You're at loss in the dining room. Bring back rooms. You're in your own little pod. No. I'm in my pod. You're in the dining room. I'm eating. My toes are out. My hat's on.

And I'm tipping 40%. I have... I wear shorts. That makes me sick. I have a question. I'll wear a tank top. My pits are out. I have to ask a question.

What, Shelby? Robbie. I'm actually with you on flip flops, but I actually can't, I have no, I can't hold my own in an argument about it. And I'm wondering what you're taking. Wait,

I have one thing. I don't remember your thing, but I will say this and not that I'm not, listen, I'm not here to defend men. Okay. At all. Oh,

okay. After the prior comments, but women, women, men's feet are 10 times cleaner than women's flip-flops. When women wear flip-flops,

it's as if they never take the flip-flop off. It's minimum one month stay for the flip. Okay? And my feet are black. At least I know men. I don't see this

with men as much. And also keep in mind, I'm not looking as much. I'm looking away. But I don't see this with men as much. And also keep in mind, I'm not looking as much. I'm looking away. But I don't see the blackness. Robbie sees men. Robbie sees men and goes. The women, the women in a flip, they lean in.

When women like flip flops, they really are not putting anything else on. Go on, Shelby. I had to just make the distinction. So I hate a flip flop. I think it's a crime and a sin. Flip-flops. No, it is. But a Birkenstock, I'm cool with. And I'm seeing the same

amount of toe. And that's why I don't... No, I like the close. You want to see my Birkenstocks? They're closed toe. You've got the Bostons. Yeah, you better believe I got the closed toe. I'm not... Thank God. You're earning looking at my toes. Get them out. I say not my toes. Thank God. You're earning looking at my toes. Get them out.

I say free those toes, Robbie. They are free at home, in the comfort of my home. If I come to your house, you're going to show me toes? You better believe it. And I'll tell you, nobody's feet are softer than mine, okay? Robbie. No, I'm telling you this. You can't.

Between socks, slippers, and shoes, my feet never touch the ground. You cannot claim this. No, I swear. It's true. What do you wear in the shower? No, so I'm barefoot, and I wash in the shower, but I have slippers at home, and I also wear shoes and socks, and my feet are very well maintained. Naturally.

I don't do better. It's just naturally. You're just a foot gal. i'm not even but i'm just saying people are so people are so out of their way to ruin their feet it's like people walk around blackened feet you're walking into a restaurant like an animal black feet ordering you know and it's my right and it's my right and i have to sit there but like some people are just only wearing flip-flops they never wear a sock and they're just you know i don't know blackening their feet with tar i don't even know what's going on robbie do you know what you know you i mean you're obviously you know that you're one of my favorite comedians so i don't want to say you

should get into a different line of work but can i tell you if you ever got fed up with the comedy if you ever got fed up with the comedy industry, what you would be incredible at? A server at one of those restaurants where they're mean to you on purpose. You would be so fun. Because I love it when you dish it out. Like the Wiener Circle or Dick's Last Resort. Dick's Last Resort. People have been messaging me actually commenting on things

that I'm in that they would pay for Robbie Hoffman to call and yell at them there is there's a market there's a market out there

and they want me to yell at them go ahead and get on Cameo no I'm not doing it yeah I don't yeah I don't have it do not I do not have it in me

but yeah I'm sure there's a market but I wouldn't do the service thing. That I couldn't do because all the people coming in with flip-flops and shorts. I mean, I wouldn't even make it 20 minutes. Dick's last resort, you'd get fired day one. Day one, immediately. Actually, no, they would love it.

The way that you hated it, they would love it. It would be too earnest. Robbie would not be able to stop. So for me, it's like I don't want to see someone in flip-flops i think there is a a culture surrounding flip-flops that makes anyone who wears them immediately an it's an assault to me but if someone's showing foot in a birkenstock or like a a different type sandal i actually can get on board i don't think men should ever show me their feet. I just don't. I think feet is for kids and women like the Titanic.

Like, you know, women and children, women and children first. That's what I think feet is. Men. You were just saying that men's feet are better than women. So there's many nuances out there in 2022. We're having a nuanced conversation. Yeah. Yes.

Men. So when people are, listen, I can't stop people. If it was, if I was king of the world, yes. No flip flops allowed.

No question. Okay. But when people are wearing flip flops, men wear them better. Men seem to not men seem to wear. Okay. But you would stop them from men wear them better. Men seem to not. Men seem to wear. But you would stop them. Okay. But you would stop them from doing it.

Oh, yeah. King of the world, nobody's in them. But women and children, if they need. Children, I don't care. What would be the need? What would be the need? Well, kids, like, they can't really use laces. Like, I don't know.

Kids are not at all. Get them in your Paulstons. No, kids can can't do loosey-goosey for a child right i have to say women and children that's my policy on flip-flops i feel that i have to defend myself to listeners a little bit here's my problem with the lunch spot that doesn't allow uh hats flip-flops or tank tops would i ever ever wear flip flops or a tank top in general, but especially to lunch in Beverly Hills? No. Would I wear a hat? Like a ball hat? A nice cap? I can't

wear a nice five panel hat out to lunch? No, because some men are wearing those newsboy caps. I'm valeting my car. They're wearing newsboy caps and things like that that make me uncomfortable. You have to ban the hats because of the bad ones. You have to take care of the good ones because's a wholesale wholesale if you let all hats in you're letting the bad hats in i will say when you say none when you let men loose on the concept of hats

shit gets weird in under 60s and you know what it also bans annoying girls from wearing those two wide brim hats. Like, please, it's over. It's not 2016. I know you spent a lot of money. You spent $70 on a hat. That was good for a year. It happens. Okay. But that's it. Like it also bans those hats. So yes, magicians hats, top hats. I mean, we're getting rid of a lot of them. but i don't mind a hat as much like flip flops and short like flip flops is the worst it's a sliding scale flip flops terrible shorts horrendous and then um and then hats hats can be okay yes um robbie i truly am terrified to ask but what is something you would delete from the records okay so it was a couple things i can't remember what i sent in but i think um two things i would do no dogs indoors what if in the home

sure in your home, certain rooms. Okay. Sure. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't just brush past that. So you're saying no dogs? It's not a domesticated animal in my opinion. They're the most. No, they're not. They have to go outside to go to the bathroom.

It's not domesticated. So you would stop other people from having dogs in their homes if you could? King of the world. You're saying I get to meet, I do whatever. Absolutely. No, we're giving you the freedom. Oh, yeah. I'm just making sure I understand. A dog at a restaurant?

Do not. I don't want your puppy next to me. I don't care if he's friendly. Imagine he wasn't friendly. They're like, he's friendly. Thank God. You shouldn't even have to say it. You shouldn't even have to say it. Okay. Like, but it's so crazy people like, you know, and I've talked about this now I'm ranting on this

on every podcast I do because it's become a bit of a crusade, but it's like, if you have a dog, an enormous dog, especially, okay. Hold your dog back. Okay. And it should be customary again to ask somebody to put the dog in a room when i come into the house i don't feel like being mauled by a dog right now i had somebody's dog mauling my sock like he just wants your sock he just i want my sock it's my sock i wore it yeah whether the dog imagine the dog is a person and the person is trying to take the sock and he's oh he wants the sock it's like this goes back to earlier when we're starting to value dogs more than people i won't do it okay and the dog until it can use the toilet or sometimes

then it's outside live it in the backyard what do you mean it's happier there okay it is happier there okay and then and that's like a big dog, I think. And then my second thing is just coasters. They've been pretentious from day one. Day one, they've been pretentious. We're still doing them. People are gifting them as like when there's literally nothing else to gift somebody you hate. And it's like, just use your table. It's fine. So you have a couple of rings. It's a tape. Like, it's like when women started doing underwear and I think women are still doing this, but me,

and I don't know what the hell I am, but anyway, like, like thongs, because like, you don't want to see like an underwear line. So I'm like, but let's say you saw my underwear.

Like, so you got me. I'm wearing underwear. I'm wearing underwear. What's the thing? I don't really. Okay. You caught red handed. I'm okay wearing underwear like hygienic person i'm not i actually think the crazier thing is to be caught like not wearing underwear the catching wearing underwear is like yep like you got me and so like with coasters it's like you know what buy a wood

table that you're ready to use as a table like if you don't want to use something as a table don't have a table don't do it don't have one sit somewhere else sit outside on the grass figure it out i don't know for people in the snow what you're doing but if you're ready to have a table have a table i don't want to get to somebody's house i gotta get a coaster and especially if you're wealthy buy a new table if i fuck up your table well it does feel like i'm it does feel like when you're at someone's house and they're making you use a coaster, it feels like I'm being tasked with taking care of their stuff. Yeah. And I don't want to feel tasked.

People come over here. Say what you want. No rules. I give you a drink. Enjoy it. You spill something. I don't want to shit at you. But, Robby, to be fair, if they're wearing flip-flops, they're dead.

They're dead on arrival. There's a nuance to being friends with me. I'm pro-coaster. I got to say, I'm pro-coaster. You come to my house. I have a nice table. You're going to put your wet drink down on it? Yes. You're going to ruin my nice table?

No, you're not. Because over time, it actually, like Wabi Sabi, it actually just really, it just shows how many people you have over you've had all these amazing experiences you know you're out of your day i don't like coasters either but i'm not as passionate and i i don't like coasters because i never know where they are i never know if i'm supposed to use them sometimes you use one because you see them and then someone's like oh you don't really need to use those and i hate seeing them and you like i hate seeing them not in use like i hate seeing a stack of coasters i don't think it's good like i don't know it's just like it's the most like

we've gone too far also a napkin coaster a napkin coaster so when people put a napkin under your drink i hate that too because it always sticks to the bottom and then you pick up you pick it up robbie i have you over for an intimate gathering i give you a napkin coaster you're leaving my place i'd stay the whole night wow i was looking for a fight and you didn't give me one because that's a delight but if i liked anybody even a millisecond less than you or a million less than you, I'm calling the police and leaving. I think we should like abolish the police, but for anything,

but like very small things like trivial things like that would be an ideal world for me. It's like, okay, like we actually are dealing with mental illness. We're dealing with everything. But then if somebody comes up with flip flops, who do you call? Well,

then that's where they are. Then we have a place for that. Yes. We only have small crimes police like small crimes court oh that'd be hot actually i'd be good at that hot you think it would be hot i'd be a good officer for that i'd show up and i'd make a call it'd be absolutely terrifying you'd say get out of here hundred dollars speaking of a hundred dollar fine robbie the last thing the last thing you have decided to put on your golden record, the Robbie Hoffman record, is a $100 bill.

Is that crisp? Is that fresh? Oh, that's crisp. Oh, come on. Please. Since six years old, the 100 has not lost its luster on me. It is one of those things. It is one of those things that I still am impressed by.

I still enjoy. It's so clean, neat, perfect. You know exactly what it's a hundred bucks. It's just an excellent denomination. When I was a kid, you know, all through even teenager, I didn't, I don't have a father. He's alive somewhere, but not involved, but he would send me a hundred dollars. By the way, I love the man so much for this. And it's a worth it. If you're a dad and you're thinking of doing anything, send the hundred.

It goes a long way. I have no, I have no resentment, nothing. I feel fine. If you're a dad and you're thinking of being absent, send a hundred. But it's like,

I would get the hundred and it would get the fuck out of here. And when I was in Canada already, I would get a hundred USD, which was like one 50 Canadian because the dollar is so bad there. And it was just it's just amazing. I like when I get if I get paid when I get paid cash and there's I always like to keep 100 in the wallet. Just one. I just a hundred dollar bill still feels as good as it ever did. Can I raise a inquiry? Do you feel, um, whenever I've had a hundred dollar bill, which

is not a common, it's not a common occurrence to get like a hundred dollar bill. But when I do, I feel like I can't give it away. I can't pay. I know. I love to have it. I know it's one of those things where it's like a hundred used to be so much money, but it's still not nothing. It's never not nothing. Even like, even like there's something about it, even though it's a nothing to a billionaire, it still isn't nothing. It's still a hundred dollar bill for some reason.

And I want to keep it in my wallet. That's part of it. I don't want to give up a hundred dollar bill. And then the other part is like, I always feel kind of embarrassed that they're going to have to give me change. Nobody does it more confidently than me. I love whipping a hundred dollar bill. And then the other part is like, I always feel kind of embarrassed that they're going to have to give me change. Nobody does it more confidently than me. I love whipping a hundred.

Since a kid, I'm walking into radio shock, buying a new remote control car. Boom. I got my birthday money. Give it to me. I need you to, I need to go to dinner with you and learn.

I have a hundred dollar bill in my wallet right now that I cannot possibly spend. You've got to break it eventually. And then you have to have another hundred there. And it's always good. It's like, it feels like the perfect amount. A backup. An emergency. It feels like that's the amount to just have.

Even though it's not a lot anymore. It still has a luster i'm trying to get much better about having any like even even even 50 60 dollars in 10s 5s and 20s on me because i keep getting fucked and playing the fool because i need to valet or i need to tip somebody well we do stand up we get cash so much i just spend it immediately oh i have oh stop i still only do card mostly me and then i end up quit doing that look we have she's protesting who's this now okay well we'll leave on that note she's protesting anyway looking the other way giving everybody being very cute though she's extremely cute this cat you are oh my god your record's iconic you're just one of the funniest people on earth.

Do you want to tell people where they can find you and what they should be looking out for? Yes. They could find me on Twitter with a couple viral tweets. I used to have semi-viral 7800. What did I have? 68K this week? I've been really wild. Which for me, Caleb, you know. So I am Robbie Hoffman on twitter for nudes robbie hoffman on instagram um look out uh you know wherever you see stand up i come to different cities i'm here in los angeles based come see me um out and about and yeah you'll follow me and you'll figure out what i'm up to and rivka yes and so stay tuned to television screens or, you know, your laptops or whatever for a TV.

So, Oh my God. You're so, so funny, Robbie. Thank you for doing the funniest Shelby. Such a pleasure. Anya.

Such a pleasure. Happy to go to best buy with you, whatever it is. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Robbie. You're the fucking best. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Robbie. You're the fucking best. Thank you. Thank you.

That was a Hiddem Original.