Keeping Records - Manic Pixie Dream Cop (with Lauren Lapkus)

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

Actress, comedian, writer, and podcaster Lauren Lapkus (The Wrong Missy, Jurassic World, Crashing) creates a Golden Record full of experiences, emotions, and tastes. She will not, however, taste anything called "salad" that isn't an actual salad, because honestly that is a repulsive concept. Lauren's Artifacts Watching the opening credits of Who's the Boss (multisensory experience) The feeling of lost cat being found (multisensory experience) About Time (audio-visual) The sensation of peeing in the shower for the first time (multisensory experience) The taste and feeling of eating half-baked chocolate chip cookies while stoned (multisensory experience) Original Voyager Artifact Crocodile, Peter Beard (image) Hotter, Not Actual Voyager Artifact (But It Really Should Have Been One) Self-portrait in mouth of crocodile, Peter Beard (image) Follow Lauren on Twitter! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Hey, Keeping Records heads. Hey, Keeping Records fam. Hey, Keeping Records fam. We are...

Well, this is awkward. We wish we were here for a better reason. We're kicking this episode off with an apology. And if I sound weird, it's because... It's because Caleb's entire face is numb right now. I just went to the dentist and they actually weren't able to get the tooth they were working on numb. So we had to just go ahead and do it anyway. But that's not what we're here to apologize about But that's not what we're here to apologize for. We want to always be honest with you guys. You guys are our friends and our family. In this episode that you're about

to listen to, we talk about an artifact on the original records. And we lied to you about it. And, um, you know, no, it wasn't my personal fault. It's actually what Caleb's getting at is that it was, um, it was mine. It was Shelby's fault. It was Shelby's fault. And so what we talked about was an image by the correct photographer. Incorrect title. Correct title. Um, but this photographer has two images with the same title and we talked about the incorrect one. In my opinion, the more interesting one. Definitely.

Without a doubt, without a question, the more interesting one. So what we want you to know is on our Instagram, we're going to put both the one we talk about with Lauren. And the one that we didn't talk about at all. This podcast isn't entirely about accuracy. It's about fun. It's about culture, the way things, and you know, I think there's something to be said for not just talking about the world the way that it is, but talking about it the way we want it to be. Yeah, I mean, it's a utopia. We're talking about it kind of in a utopia way sometimes. So you guys are allowed to be mad at us,

but if you would just, when you're listening to the episode and you get to that part, if you want to tweet at us or post on your Instagram stories and just tag the account and let us know if we're forgiven or canceled. We just want to know.

It's good to know what we're up against. You can tag the account and say, keeping records canceled, keeping records forgiven. You don't have to say why. Other people don't need to know. This is kind of a family matter yeah we want to keep we definitely do want to keep this in the family let's keep this in house yeah we love you guys and we're so so so sorry but it's not your fault it's not your fault and also at the end of the day we didn't do

anything wrong and we don't take it back that's actually i was scared we wouldn't say that we could not be more sorry but we wouldn't change a single thing we did. Anyway, the original picture that was actually on the record is bad and boring. Yeah, just a picture of a crocodile. So again, can't stress this enough. This is our big apology. We are so, so, so sorry to anybody that we hurt. And I'm sorry both to you guys and to Caleb for putting him in this position.

I do not accept her apology. I do not want you to accept ours because we do not mean it. But ultimately we do. We do in a way. It's hard to put your finger on it because both we do and we don't. Yeah. But in the biggest way, I think we don't. But we love you guys no matter what. We love you guys no matter what. And at the end of the day, ultimately, it's always fuck the haters and chow. Fuck the haters and chow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Elephant in the room.

Where are you? You're not here. Well, I'm in Big Bear up in the mountains of California. Big Dog and Big Bear. Big Dog and Big Bear. Big Dog and Big Bear. You know, when Big Papa comes to town, they roll out the red carpie. And I'm up here. You know, I, you know, listen, Shelby, you know me.

I don't like to talk about poop. But I, uh, for lunch today, I went to a local saloon. Um, and I got, uh, baconpped jalapeno shrimp poppers. And I'm having a bit of a hard time with me body because of it. And I'm getting in and out of the hot tub to go to the bathroom. I'm in a hot tub up here. It's not a brag. I can't explain to you how gnarly it is to say you're getting in and out of the hot tub to have what I assume is diarrhea.

I'm douching. I'm bidet-ing the butthole area. You have a bidet? And I clean it all up. Be honest, do you have a bidet? I mean, if you want to know my process, I'm going back to being like closeted in high school. When gay men are closeted in high school, a lot of us douche with a water bottle and I haven't forgotten how to do it. Wait, when Sabrina told you about spraying her asshole. a lot of us douche with a water bottle and i haven't forgotten how to do it wait when sabrina told you about about spraying her ass i already know where you're going with this you're already

you're trying to paint me as culturally insensitive just like sabrina did she said they used a jug water bottles you push on the side of water bottles and water squirts out you can't push on the side of a lot of jugs like a clay jug so i'm up here i'm up here i'm in the hot tub i'm having just a little bit a spot of diarrhea mate and yeah i watched war dogs last night and jonah hill made a really interesting choice for that character where he laughs he every he has a laugh that goes but it's that's me and i want to keep it quick because i want to get our guests in here but how are you um i'm reorganizing our kitchen cabinets why why would you do that you organize them the first time no they're not organized are you kidding we have so we have snack bars kind of

strewn throughout the three cabinets to me that's perfect what are you doing about it i'm putting them in little bins. Oh, cute. It'll just be nicer, a little bit more organized so that we can put more things in there. I'm Midwestern. I love that. Yeah, I can't wait to be a mom. Anyway, let's intro our guest. Our guest today is the simply iconic comedian, activist, hero. Please. Actor. You can go actor if you want actor please help us welcome

oh my god i love that i love that intro and i love that you're literally having diarrhea in a hot tub when like hot tubs always have a sign that's like if you're having diarrhea do not get out they're like it's not full diarrhea okay i'm just having frequent poops and i gotta tell you guys i wouldn't be unsafe in the tub girls good ladies lauren it's not about me right now it's about you how are you um i'm good i was thinking like i i did therapy right before this which was like probably really bad idea. No, you're really in touch with yourself right now. Right now. We actually ask people if they're not in therapy to start before.

Yeah, I like scheduled it at two and then now it's five o'clock and I was like, that's plenty of time. But then I just felt sleepy after it. You know, it's like that thing of when you're just on and doing therapy on zoom I think is not ideal and it's just for sure it's just a weird time and then I was just on Venmo um deleting people from my friends list because I opened my Venmo drama drama if you find yourself removed from Lauren's Venmo right into the show of all social media I don't even know if you find yourself removed from warren's venmo right into the show of all social media i don't even know if you can call it social media of all accounts to be removing friends venmo is such an interesting one i will say like part of it is because i have time limits on my social media

so i was locked out so i was like well let me look at venmo because i well i had to be my therapist that's what got me there and then i realized i didn't know anyone in the feed. I was like, who are these people? And so I started deleting people I didn't know. And then I deleted some people that I haven't talked to in 10 years. And then, and then I deleted some people who've died. And it really got like, there's just a lot in the Venmo. There's a lot going on in Warren's Venmo. It's fun to look at Venmo and just like see what some people are paying for it is a really it's really interesting or to try and guess sometimes it's cryptic and you're like what was this i know and i'm also just like why is anyone public why is any why are you putting

anything in a public feed of what you're paying for no matter what it is even if it's people who pays our rent to me public which i need to do by the way i owe you i owe you money right now i i get mad at people i get i i get judgy i i see like i see a payment from like someone i'll see two people that i was in like a bio class with in college paying each other for drinks and i'm like y'all are still hanging out which is like why can't they you know what i mean what's wrong with me that's fine no but i feel i feel that too like i look i looked at some random transactions i saw that a husband was paying his wife for lunch and i was like why wow that's i mean to me what you found out was they're in the middle of a divorce exactly and that's what i was having current husband current wife that could totally be true i haven't talked to that person a million years so i have no idea is that they're they were talking with their lawyer and they had to pay

the hourly and they were like yeah can you get your your half of this i think divorce can be really healthy yeah my parents did it and i think it was good for everyone specifically me oh really and we're doing it you and i are going through a divorce i'm so sorry big bear or congrats we got married in quarantine we got divorced in quarantine a lot can go down this time you love and you lose and we're you know once we get the vaccine we'll want to be back out there um you know just banging our way through los angeles and so we wanted to break up but that's our story i love that i'm so happy for you guys that you know thank. Lauren, you're always texting me and telling me that I should be single. You're always saying, get a divorce, get a divorce.

Wait, what the fuck? Okay, were you telling him to break up with me? It's something I've said, but it's not something that has any weight to it. It's just kind of like something I say. She just throws it out. She just will text me and be like, oh my God, what if you divorce me? It's like a joke. It's like a kidding around.

But I'm doing it. Wow. No, that's awesome. That's so cool. Lauren, we're not really here to talk about our divorce even though it's going to be hard we're kind of here to talk about what you would put on your golden records oh my god well i found this to be an interesting challenge um so i i'll start with um i'm gonna start with one that i just think is a nice one to kick it off with, which is the Who's the Boss theme song. This is the best theme song that has ever been made.

It's very emotional. It feels good. Oh, fuck. I almost started crying. It's a good Just lean in lights are long but you're wide awake jesus i mean true... If you guys know this part, sing along. What's that instrument? He's going crazy.

Who was that? Who said... Who said that at the end? Who was that? What kind of instrument is that? I'd have to hear it again. I want to say keytar. I'll believe that.

I could go with that. I'll go with that too. It feels strong. Keytar, organ. One'll go with that too. It feels strong. Guitar, organ, one of those ones that we don't play anymore. You know? I just love that song so much. And honestly, I watched so much TV as a kid. And I love sitcoms.

And when I'm feeling sad, I can honestly put on TV theme songs and I feel better. That one is so emotional to me. I don't know if it did anything for you. No, it did. Did you see? Big time move me i don't know if it did anything for you oh it did yes big time move me yeah i loved it i love that song so much and it's it's a really i think if i'm really gonna try to like express something to aliens or whatever i feel like i would want them probably to see the visuals that accompany that because it tells a story and you know i think sitcoms are a great example of what we've been what we've been doing down here we have been doing sitcoms

we have been doing sitcoms that's so true caleb and i have been re-watching well for me the first time for caleb the not 12th time watching rosanne rosanne all the way through well we were skipping around we started in the middle and now we're jumping back to the front and it's you know yeah i joined him late so i joined him around season four and had you seen it before i'd seen like if an episode was on but i'd never i was never um a sit down and watch rosanne kind of gal can i ask both your ages i'm 13 oh my god okay and i'm and i'm six uh i'm 26 actually and i'm 27 and so did you have you ever seen who's the boss um you would say no it's fine no no this is this is why it's on the record you have to understand i want to say yes so this is alissa milano yes and tony

danza yes and remind me the woman's name who's so judith light judith light who ends up yeah so yes i saw episodes here and there that were on like super 2 to 3 a.m like nick at night kind of slow yeah now see i feel like that i'm 35 and that difference is so vast when it comes to what you grew up watching it's just crazy how much like we have a difference in what we've seen like what mattered to you as a kid like what was like summer tv like because to me it's like sitcoms like that it's like then it's like brady bunch like older things that are on rerun and then on top of that i have like ren and stimpy and like rugrats and things that were new at the of that i have like run and stimpy and like rugrats and

things that were new at the time but i feel like then for you that's like nick at night yeah but rugrats was definitely me well after the rugrats i'm jewish so were the pickles so the pickles were jewish the pickles they had the passover episode the hanukkah episode i mean we are taught they call their grandpa i think they might call him abba they call him something but their grandma's bubby like it's jewish it's nice i didn't know so when i we i didn't grow up around jewish people and i didn't know like i didn't really know what those things were so i just was like oh this is a thing they said like if they were celebrating hanukkah and a TV show until I was in like late high school,

I thought they thought they were, that was a good news for you was that that was really one of the only shows that they celebrated Hanukkah, which was why Jews were kind of like, Whoa, because we never had a holiday episode, but they, uh,

they went ham bone on Hanukkah. I just feel like we just glossed over that. Caleb thought Hanukkah was a TV holiday. Well, I didn't know any Jewish people. I just was like, I guess I didn't really understand that. I didn't really understand that Judaism was really a religion, I guess, until like late high school. I didn't really know what it was. Where are you from? I'm from rural Missouri. And I also didn't know what Democrats and Republicans were.

I knew they were political parties and they were against each other. But I didn't know. And what are they more than that, really? But I didn't know what Democrats and Republicans were. I knew they were political parties and they were against each other, but I didn't know. And what are they more than that really? But I didn't know. I didn't know who was which until like probably my sophomore year of high school. Wow. I love that. But yeah, the Rugrats had the Macaca babies was their hanukkah episode and that was like hell yeah and that was i was one of like two jews in my school so it was kind of like all right you guys know what i'm talking about now because before that you were just kind of like yeah i'm going to like this thing where you eat in like a really specific order because it's Passover and you have to eat these like seven like six food it's like specific and that in an order everyone was like you're fucking weird and then you set out a glass of wine and hope that some ghost drinks it during the night for elijah yeah yeah um i'm not jewish but i grew up around a lot

of jewish people and i went to like a hundred bar and bat mitzvahs in middle school which was thrilling now where did you grow up? I grew up in Evanston, Illinois, which is just outside of Chicago. Yes, it is. We both lived in Chicago. Oh, yes. Okay. Amazing.

Did you go to New Trier? No, I went to Evanston Township High School. Where's New Trier? New Trier's not near Evanston, huh? At all. If I lived in a certain area, I could have ended up going there. But most kids in Evanston ended up going to Evanston. But yeah, you lived in a certain area. I could have ended up going there, but most kids in Evanston ended up going to Evanston. But yeah, you lived in Chicago. We both did comedy in Chicago.

That's where we met. Why would I say it like that? Yuck. We both kind of got doing comedy in Chicago. No keep. It's gorgeous. There's really such beauty in imperfection. Shelby and I met doing comedy in Chicago

and we spent a really beautiful day, Shelby, you might recall, going to yard sales in evanston that's so true that's the best with claire mcdonald our dear friend so i want to i want to i want to bring up something um that i feel like everyone's dancing around everyone's being not brave about it and i want to talk about tony danza was so hot in the show. He was. And honestly, like a tight sweatshirt kind of vibe. He was a maid.

He was a housekeeper who lived in the home. That's the question. Who's the boss? Because he works for Judith light yet. However, he seems to have a lot of control and maybe then maybe it's the grandma. Maybe it's the kids. We really don't know, but a very fun show. And maybe then maybe it's the grandma. Maybe it's the kids. We really don't

know. But very fun show. And he was very hot. And Alyssa Milano was fantastic on it. And that's a real like I spent my summers I feel like mainly watching TV. And that just feels like the windows are open that theme song comes on. I'm feeling relaxed. You know, anything can happen meaning nothing's going to happen. And it's just a comforting sort of wraparound blanket vibe. I've never even seen a second of this show. Honestly, all you need to do is watch the opening credits. I just feel like that will just give you everything you need. He's vacuuming, isn't he, in the opening credits?

Oh, then he's not the boss. He's not the boss. I'll tell you this much he's vacuuming certain episodes he might be but i'm googling right now just kind of looking at everyone seeing what they looked like at the time um lauren do you want to do you want to give the aliens that specific experience of hearing this song like windows open summer day everything could happen yes every part of it yes like on a couch um and you're small so like your feet fit you can fit on the couch you're drinking some chocolate milk maybe am i projecting

yes no i love the chocolate oh no it's it's nest quick with the powder and then you're eating it with a spoon yeah all the like yeah yeah that's such a moment there were like i feel like um after school or like yeah in the summer, just a day when especially if your siblings or whoever you lived with, if they were gone and you got to just plop yourself down on the couch at 10, 12 years old and get a big drink and a snack and just watch whatever you wanted. Having control of the TV as a kid was a big deal in my house. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We had a lot of control with it. I feel like we had a lot of TVs though. So it's kind of like everyone can kind of be in their own

space. Yeah. Something that I'm realizing now, and I've never really known this, um, to be a truth before is that none of the TVs in my house growing up had a window in the room like i could never watch tv with an open window because i can't i'm picturing my house and i'm like yeah there weren't there was not a window to be i want to know more about the rooms well shelby's family is uh doomsday preppers yeah so she did she did and that actually makes a lot of sense she grew up in the in the caves where it's safe yeah if you've ever seen now and then with brendan Fraser, it's a lot like that where we lived underground. Whenever I hear his name, I remember this commercial he did where he goes, it's Fraser. Fraser.

Brendan Fraser. Hi, I'm Brendan Fraser. You're watching Comedy Central. That's Fraser, not Frasier. If you say Frasier, I know where you live. And honestly, that was the point of the commercial. It worked. It's all I got out of it.

I don't know what it was for. I was going to say, what could the ad have been for? I don't know. I have no idea. I feel like it was either a Comedy Central or an MTV ad, and I don't remember what it was about. It was for Pfizer. He was like, Frasier. Frasier.

Frasier. No, I'm thinking, and I'm like, okay. One TV, one of the most popular TVs in the house, in the kitchen. The kitchen didn't have... Fascinating. I always thought that was fascinating when I would see that in movies. A TV in the kitchen? Yeah.

I thought that. I think that's fascinating. We had a small one that was like black and white. And it had like a little dial on the front and you could find like, you know, four different channels. Our kitchen was diner themed. So there was just a lot of like black, red and white tile and then the TV. And we kind of vibed out with that. And then it was always like a special night if we got to watch TV during dinner.

Oh, that is special. That was kind of our deal. Warren said not special at all special if we didn't actually especially if we weren't watching which my mom will always be like we sat at the table a lot and i'm like we ate burger king on the floor in front of the tv that is the memory and it's fine i don't even recall us having a dining table for an amount of time like yeah it was like dinner around the table was not a thing for us. But watching TV, I was watching Law & Order way too young. And my mom realized she couldn't stop me because she wasn't home enough to stop me.

So eventually she just was like, if she was home and I was watching Law & Order, she'd just be like, all right, and watch it with me. And she still watches it weekly. Every week when the episode comes out, she watches it live. Wow. Live. She just sneak channels around then. Like in the kitchen. I remember Harrison, my older brother, he once, first of all, we weren't allowed to watch.

We could watch. My dad would have me in the basement to watch like some raunchy ass movies. But if I was to turn on South Park specifically, I would get grounded. They were like, not South Park. Anything but South Park. Famously, as soon as it came out, Coyote Ugly was my favorite movie as a kid. They're just dancing on bars. Hot girls dancing on bars. My parents were like, watch that however much you want. As soon as someone says a curse word. There's so much more happening than that though.

There's so much more happening than that in Coyote Ugly. You don't have to tell me twice. She's a beautiful songwriter who's afraid to perform. But my brother turned on South Park once. We got grounded and he also once was flipping and we found the Playboy channel and we like as a coalition of siblings. Harrison or Merrick? Harrison. Okay,

cool. Who's not a troublemaker. If it was Merrick, good names in your family. Thank you. The boys kind of had the unique ones. And then we got Shelby and Alana and we're. No, I like it all together. Hey. I like it as a unit. I think it works.

I'm on Warren's side. Sorry, Shelby, you lose. Your family's names are cool. In a way, that's a win. So you were telling us that you and your siblings watched porn together? Yeah, I'm sorry. Don't try to like. You guys deranged. I was was i was ready to keep going you guys derailed the story i was ready to keep on talking about how shelby brought up the porn

thing and then messaged lauren in the chat and said please change the subject change the subject i started mumbling i started mumbling as i was like please any anything else talk about our names talk about our names. Talk about our names. Harrison's cool. Yeah. No, if it was Merrick, it would have seemed more mischievous because Merrick's kind of that. That's the vibe. Harrison's kind of a goody two shoes. So for him to flip to the porn channel was crazy. And we all just were kind of like, whoa. And then we were like, all right, well, mom's probably going to be home soon. Like I'm going to go to my, like we all just were like, sayonara. Porn when you were little though, was like National Geographic. Like if you came across

porn, you were like, you were like, what is going on? Like, you couldn't understand. Like, I remember seeing a naked adult for the first time on accident in like a magazine my brother had and they had, uh, I, I didn't have pubic hair yet, but they did. And I was like, what the fuck? Like, it's so like it's like seeing an animal you've never seen before like those fish with the like heads that reminds me of this like my friend had like a deck of playing cards that were like pornographic it was like men and they were men with like erections okay and they but it was like that because it was like the weird 70s i I don't know where they were from.

It was just some weird cards. And then just like weird men like posing with their erections and their weird pubes. And you're just like, you don't even know what to do with it. Like it is. It's just like, oh, okay. At that point, it's science. It's just, it's interesting. I don't think my parents ever gave me.

I can't point to a sex talk from my parents. So I'm like, that must have just been how I found out. I was like, oh, cool. Nice. Understood. Yeah. I want to ask, Warren, what else would you put on your records? Okay.

The next thing I want to put on is the feeling I had when I was seven years old and my cat got out and she was lost and then she came back so what happened was it was the coldest night of the year we told the story my family for like ever to to I guess my mom told it to me over and over again because it was like an epic tale of something that I experienced and my cat was um very sweet but an indoor cat and she could not go outside and she went outside during the winter i don't know how and she was lost and we were all scared i think the the news was on and the weatherman kept saying it's the coldest night of the year it's the and i was like she's dead it was just like so certain she was long gone and my brother and my dad went out

looking for her forever. And then I went to sleep on the floor in my parents' bedroom out of, you know, lonely, sad feelings. And then in the middle of the night, she was put into my arms. And then I said, you came back. You came back. This is like a children's book. Yeah. It's like a children's book.

My mom probably also like really made it more of a children's book in her telling but it feels like that in my memory and it was a very special memory because she came back and she lived a very long life and she lived to be like 22 years old that was a great perfect cat so that feeling of just like you think it's over and then came back and i was asleep on the floor and i was a little kid and it was, I was all hopeless. And then I had hope again. Lauren, I have to tell you, I think, I think you have a really big opportunity with this story. I think you write this, I think you write this as a children's book. You make it to where everyone thinks the cat got out on accident and lost, but the cat

has autonomy and went to get everyone Christmas gifts. Caleb's angling for producer. And it turns out, and it turns out and it turns out the cat so the cat puts the gifts under the tree and and then it's back in the arms and then you find out all the gifts the cat put under the tree are signed santa the cat is santa okay so the whole time my entire life santa has been the cat and then she only can die when i am old enough to not believe in santa anymore wow wow wow wow who's writing this down who's writing this down i've got it right we're I am old enough to not believe in Santa anymore. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Who's writing this down? Who's writing this down? I've got it right here. We're recording it, babe. That's my new character, a guy who thinks it only gets saved if you write it down. It's going to go viral. Do you have one of those pads in the shower?

Oh my God, do you? No. I was like, I've never been someone who needs to write it down right away i've never had people who are like i have to i will write stuff down and then just not have any idea what i'm talking about when i look at it later and so that's that's that's the pattern i'm like that's right down one word and i'm like what and then it's gone especially my thinking hours the second i'm like that limbo between awake and asleep where you're kind of asleep, you're kind of awake. And that's when I really get some ideas that sometimes really work out and other times are absolutely bunk arenas. When I look at my notes app, I'm like, what the fuck?

Yeah. What could you've read me some of these? Yeah. Like what could a snowstorm mean? What could it mean? Then you're just kind of of these yeah like what could jimmy snowstorm mean what could it mean and then you're just kind of like yeah okay i had a i had a middle of the night phone note one time for a character idea and i i think about it every single day the character it was just the name of a character and the name of the character was manic pixie dream cop and i think about it i have no idea what i meant i don't really know what that would look like i

know exactly what you meant i could do that character a whimsical cop who wants to i actually might cast lauren lapkus i think i could oh my god yeah it's like it's like i was a manic pixie dream girl then i like got serious and i became cop, but I still have a hint of it inside me. And then someone I start dating brings it back out. And then I turned into doing like naughty cop stuff. Cause I see it as you like, you like writing a ticket for someone as a man. It's like, you're writing the ticket. It's very like, I don't know. I'm just like, not that kind of, and then you're giving it. I get it. And Lauren is the person. And then I'm like at the precinct and i'm

like let's just take a little bit of the drugs that we have here they're just sitting here listeners be watching our socials you'll see a deadline article about this in exactly three months and we're gonna go we're gonna go viral yeah no i get it and i and i've casted it it's perfectly cast it is it's done i don't need anyone else to be in it hey before we um before we talk about the rest of your record lauren i really think um just for like my heart and my um energy i think we need to take a break oh okay but mostly for an advertisement oh okay and we're back we're back bark bark bark bark woof woof woof what if we were dogs folks it would be so funny if our ad was like dog food and that's how you re-intro

it's not but if you came back in and you said we are bark bark bark we are bark bark bark you know they're um when i worked at i worked in marketing for a little bit, and one of my bosses, one of the only good ones I had, shout out to Tona, was obsessed with this case study that Purina did where they have segments of pet owners that they use to market their... So they'll ask people questions like, do you allow your dog to sleep in your bed? And if someone says yes, then they market market them they push them the expensive dog food and if someone says no they push them the cheap kind but it's all under the same brand umbrella they just make different kinds and spend less for people who they think love their animals less what because people who that people who answer no my dog can't sleep in my bed will buy cheaper food but what if they're kind of ones who are like my dog can't sleep in my bed will buy cheaper food. But what if they're kind of ones who are like, my pet can't sleep in my bed, but they're

also being trained for dog shows. Like, I love them so much. That's why they can't sleep in my bed. They have to be... Well, it's a multifaceted thing. I haven't read the case study in a long time, but I think probably one of the questions is, do you... Do dog shows.

Do dog shows. Yeah. But crazy. Okay. I think it's time for a segment we call delete it lauren this is a segment where we're going to ask you to delete something from the record of humanity that you don't think should exist anymore and before you say what it is we just want to let you know it doesn't have to be war you're very zoolander right now it doesn't have to be war it doesn't have to be famine it doesn't have to be the big stuff because we're gonna delete it anyway that's good because my idea is um not important at all

and we don't want it go nuts tell us what it is chicken salad or tuna salad or anything that is like that. That's called salad. That's like a gooey slop. So question because Caleb's going to need a second. Is it you want to get rid of the food or you want to rename the food on the record? I want to rename it and then I want to delete it. Okay. I don't like that.

It's called salad because it's just not and then i don't like what it is and i think that it's disgusting and i i've never had it i've never had tuna salad or chicken salad or anything else like that coleslaw kind of fits in the category coleslaw sick you're right coleslaw is disgusting you know it's like anything that's like mashed with mayo and like it's just gross it's just a nasty squishy barf kind of food that like we don't need and i think people like it but it's i just want it gone i don't want them to remember it and i also am like if there's some sort of potluck situation or a picnic and that's what's being offered i have a real problem with that you know what we successfully did delete that is in that same category is like when people put tuna salad

and stuff in jello oh that's so fucking sick we were like nobody will fucking do this again like we were just like collectively everyone was like yeah that was bad and and we'll we'll quit it i i don't understand at all putting something in jello like basically anything like i i think jello should be plain but if you have something floating in the jello what you just said is exactly how dwight felt when jim put his shit when he put his stapler in the jello he said he said i don't understand why anyone would ever do this that was the that was the reaction we did that in my church also we would put shit in jello as a competition and it sucked oh my god i think you would reenact the office well that is it that's exactly no that's literally what so the

office did that jello episode and then my church my my youth group was like all right for for chat we would do challenges they filled they put office supplies in bowls of jello and then whoever could get all the office supplies out with their feet their bare feet quickest uh would win like an ipod nano or something no we had there was two events at camp that that makes me think of one is that it was a whole night's event and at the start two people would sit and put their feet in like a bucket of ice. And then whoever stayed the longest one, and you would stay for like the entire like evening event. Oh my God. And people would just like come drop blankets off on you. People would stay for like an hour and a half, two hours and they would add ice.

Oh my God. That's one. And the other one that made me think of, which is gross, is there, it was like a PVC pipe. No, not PVC because that's hard, right? What's like a soft pipe? Like a foam, like needle? Not foam, like plastic, but it would be like piping for something, it was clear whatever it was um like um like a tube i guess just like an enema tube but like this thick oh okay and maybe a little smaller two people on opposite ends of it three eggs raw eggs cracked in the middle and they blow to try and get the egg to go into someone else's that's disgusting i any sort of activity like that i i i i've participated in a handful of things like that

over my lifetime and oh i recall one time being like doused in like mustard and ketchup and it's just revolting and like is that even funny to people like you know what i mean like in the moment it's like i think it is but it's just so like honestly if the if i was watching the egg thing i think i would think it was funny but i just that was always counselors and it would be you would be like nominated by your campers so everyone would just put up the counselors they fucking hated and be like oh that's hilarious like oh christine get up there and then it would but they oh my god i just always felt like they were like being honored like the kids really liked them because they were like rooting for them wait I have to tell you a sad story this um this I I was um a counselor at this camp and we played this

I guess it was a hide and seek game or so I mean I I think that's all it was I but I think the counselors hid and I don't know i can't remember the details of it because i remember this one part which is that there was this counselor who was she was really sweet but she was new and not really fitting in and wanting to be liked and she got a really i know she got a really good hiding spot and you guys left her we couldn't find her i mean no one could find her and she was stuck and where she was was she put herself in a garbage can like a aluminum garbage can with a lid on it for you know wood animals or whatever she climbed in and her knees up to her chest she was like crouched in it and but she got stuck and she couldn't get out and then we finally found her

and she couldn't get out and her legs hurt so bad she was like in a ton of pain i've literally done a sketch like that and been like this could never happen to someone so sad it was it was really fucked up and i just remember her like try like being in so much pain but then we're all kind of like we you know everyone else is kind of going like what just happened you know it's one of those things like i i gotta say that's such a i she was thin she was a thin person yeah yeah no there's world. There's no world where a fat person behaves like that. I love that about fat people. Putting yourself in a place where you might not get out. No.

I'm not getting in a trash can. I don't want to win. I'd rather just be caught and hang out. That is so true. Just stand by the tree and be like, hey. Me as a kid was that I was so small that I was always trying to like climb into really small shit. I'm not talking thin. I'm talking short. I talking, couldn't go on a roller coaster kind of thing. So I, I would like tuck into suitcases. I used to lay flat under the couch in like our,

like playroom type thing. I would lay flat as flat as i could and wait till my nanny sat down on the couch and then go oh my god why would you hit i was laying there you just sat on me and they would be like i'm sorry and i'd be like geez like and did you think you were being hilarious i thought it was so i thought it was funny they probably were like Christ. It was probably so scary every time. Yeah, because they almost killed you. I want to circle back and say something that's on my heart. I never in my entire life imagined that on this podcast, we would have a Midwestern guest who would come for salads,

who would come for chicken salad, who would come for egg salad. I really feel like that's such a Midwestern thing and you hate, have you ever, have you ever tried it even once, Lauren? No, no, I've never, never had it. And I really can't see a world where I will have it. It's something about the way- I'm gonna put you on like a Nickelodeon show

where you get slimed if you don't eat it or something. Oh my God, I know. I actually had to do something the other day where I had to eat things um as part of a job and i was nervous about it and they were really good but but you always think you're gonna get like punked if you have to eat something like oh yeah whatever but it was good but i but i when i think about um like that feels like the kind of thing that i'd be, like, tricked into or something. I went a long time in my life, like, not eating a lot of, like, really obvious foods. Like, I had never had, like, a pickle.

Like, there's just, like, a lot of things that I've really never had. You were from so close to Wisconsin for that to be your vibe. Yeah, I know. I think it's honestly one of the worst traits. Like, I really hate it. And it's honestly one of the worst traits like I really hate it and it's so uncomfortable when you're a picky eater because you're always like nervous about what are they gonna have like it's just like how am I gonna be if they don't have what I want it's such a bratty like thing that as I've gotten older I've tried to really push back and I don't

feel like I'm as picky as I was at all now i can kind of just do anything but when i was growing up it was horrible and into my 20s and like i had i did have an idea like in in my 20s like oh i should do like a thing where i eat like a podcast or a thing where i eat like all the things that i've never had but then i was like i don't want to eat any of that shit there's a reason i haven't had it the reason i haven't been doing this is because i don't want to and then i was like i'm scared of my own premise i don't want to do any of this i want to uh let the listeners know that part of the experience what you're hearing right now is if if lauren or shelby sound fearful it's because i have the most sinister looking i am so poorly lit in this backed up from the computer i mean i just look scary no matter what i i look

like i am like i'm being forced to do the pod caleb looks right now like he's he's first of all a gamer and he's on twitch because i'm using i'm using the only headphones i had up here that would work for this is uh my friend chance who i'm with, his work headphones from his customer service job. Yeah. So that's what I look like. Oh, my God. It looks like you have overhead light and wood paneling behind you. And then no light in front of you, but just the computer glare in your glasses.

Yeah. You're a gamer on Twitch. And it's when someone enters your chat room and you're like, listen, if you're going to watch me play, you're threatening them. Guys, flank me. Flank me on the left and right. We got to get these guys. Come on. I hate what you're like listen like if you're gonna watch me play like you're threatening them guys flank me flank me on the left and right we gotta get these guys i hate what you're up to right now no offense it's not about you it's not about you you don't know you wouldn't you guys wouldn't love me lauren and shelby you guys wouldn't love me if i was a gamer you are kind of a gamer you like i feel fine with it but i have a question do you feel scared of the place where you are so so last night we made the interest it's so funny you say

that because one of my the only the only movie that has ever truly scared me in my entire life not like jump scares i mean like strangers me up is the strangers and it's been trying to get me to watch it for a year now i don't know the strangers is a couple in a house in kind of a desert, not deserted, but in a rural area. And they are having like a marital fight and people come and terrorize them. And when they ask them, when they ask the people hurting them, why are you doing this? Why us? They say, because you were home. And that is the most fucked up

and evil thing I've ever heard in my life. And now anytime I'm in a place like this, I think, well, someone's going to strangers me. Oh my God. To me, the place that you're saying kind of looks like the Dave Franco house from the Dave Franco movie. Sure.

Another scary movie where people got fucked with for no reason. And I thank you for bringing it up. What was that called? Shelby Vacation House or The Vacation? I don't really like watch scary movies that much because I get too scared. The Rental.

It was called The Rental. The Rental. And that one's about an Airbnb. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was. We brought it up.

No, that's awesome. Yeah, it definitely was. That's awesome. That's awesome. So I want to talk about one of these pictures that's on the original records. Okay. It's called Crocodile by Peter Beard. Peter Beard is the photographer and the subject. Oh, I like how it says remembering Peter Beard under this picture because it looks like this is how he died. One of the images included on the original Golden Records is titled Crocodile by photographer Peter Beard.

It's a self-portrait of Peter inside the mouth of a crocodile. On the right-hand side of the picture, you've got a large crocodile with its mouth open. Inside of that crocodile is presumably Peter. You cannot believe how far he is inside of the crocodile. He is waist deep. He is incredibly hot. You can see that Peter is very toned and wearing the kind of hot short shorts that hot guys used to wear in the 60s. You have to wonder what they were aiming to do with the inclusion of this image on the record. Is it, on the one hand, a warning? Watch out. Crocodiles may eat you.

Or is Peter's nonchalance supposed to sort of lure in the aliens into a false sense of security so that they may walk into the mouths of crocodiles and no longer be threats to the human race? Will the aliens believe crocodiles are sleeping bags or a place perhaps to get in some thinking, or in this case, journaling? Peter is waist-deep in the crocodile's mouth, casually journaling with his top half. It leads you to question, what is he writing about? Is he writing about how it feels to be inside of the crocodile? Peter Beard's best-known work was called The End of the Game, and it was published in 1965. It documented the beauty and romance of Africa and the tragedy of its

endangered wildlife. We cannot stress enough that Peter was, huh? While alive, Peter Beard was friends with Andy Warhol, Truman Capote, Salvador Dali, and the Rolling Stones, which is an absolutely iconic crew. In 2017, Peter Beard was sued by actor David Spade. We have chosen not to get involved in the matter. Peter also photographed women in magazine fashion shoots and had well-documented romances with many of them, including Candice Bergen and the sister of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. You may know her as Jackie O. Peter spent a large amount of time in Kenya where much of his work was produced. Beard was born into a wealthy family in Manhattan in 1938 and then attended Yale.

The way all great success stories go. Nice. The photographer Peter Beard was actually married for two years to model Cheryl Teagues. Peter was born in New York. He went missing in Montauk in March of 2020. He then died in April of 2020. He then died in April of 2020. When he passed, his family posted a statement on his website that read

he died where he lived, in nature. He was 82 years old. Now here's my take. I think the way that what you're seeing happened is that this this crocodile is dead do you guys agree with me no it it has to be it has too much animation in its eyes for it to

be dead as my take and the water's moving i don't think he is unfortunately i think it's gotta be dead inside there's almost no way i think they prop the i think they like wired the eyes open or something and put it in the habitat but this has got to be if this isn't a dead crocodile this is then the man died after this i do wonder why this was put into the or onto the record or can you explain i don't feel like i fully get how the record works that they sent into space or whatever like is it a file thank you for asking this it is two gold records so like a photo is on it so they're they're two like like physical records and then they have like a device to play it on the challenger so oh so a picture would be shown somehow through this device. Yeah. Like everything would be included in the records. Like there's like a diagram of how to play it.

Interesting. And it would all be on there. I just wonder about the inclusion of this picture because it's a man in an alligator's mouth and he's writing in a journal. I mean, I kind of like the picture. Well, it's gorgeous is the thing. It's really well taken. He's hot. He's hot. Yeah, it's gorgeous is the thing. It's really well taken. He's hot. We all agree.

He's hot. Yeah, he's so hot. He's so hot. We just weirdly skipped over the fact that he's really fucking hot. If he did die, it's like a real tragedy. He's like a perfect looking guy. And he's writing in this journal, which is also hot. Yeah, it's hot for him to be thinking that way.

Yeah, he's either writing like, I'm dying. Just FYI. Just FYI. I'm an alligator. so hot yeah it's hot and thinking that way yeah he's either writing like i'm dying just fyi alligator wanted to circle back just so you guys know i just want you guys to know the 15 foot crocodile was dead beard himself had shot it earlier on the shore of lake rudolph in kenya oh jesus so wow they're killing animals for art well Well, maybe, honestly, if he was in Kenya, it might have ended up being a lot of the hunting. If you get permits, I mean, this is old, but a lot of the permits for hunting in a lot of African communities, you have to then use the animal to feed the community. Oh, well, that's good.

I don't know if that was true then, but I know it's true now. Lauren's taking a stance. Lauren says that's good. Oh, that's good. I love that. I say go keep killing them. Lauren's taking a stance. Lauren says that's good. Oh, that's good. I love that. I say go keep killing him. No more crocodiles. The thing that's making me kind of feel a little ill about this picture is the idea of his legs squishing into the guts of the alligator.

He had to stick his legs down its gullet. Yeah, that's weighing heavy on my heart as well. It's like when you're in a lake and you step on the ground and you feel like really wet. Goo. Goo. That is the worst feeling. And this is that. But you also know it's like intestines.

I don't like that. There's a lot that unsettles me about the image The thought that he had to do it We'll start there The thought that he had to do it I don't understand his shorts Conceptually Oh well that was of the time though That was of the era

You have to give some leeway on that I think He's so strong They look hot It's almost like he has like a body wrap on around his waist yeah like there's something i would let him hurt my feelings that he already has in so many ways i can't be horny right now i'm already horny because i watched that zach efron as ted bundy movie last night oh my god yeah this picture is really really attractive he's wearing a pelt in this one as well yeah i think he was just kind of like a man living off the land wow still alive no remember

it said remembering him oh he passed into we often don't remember people that live he died less than a year ago no wait you guys there's this headline from the new york post it says peter beard's wife put him in a psych ward after he brought home hookers okay peter beard no baby mr beard mr beard lived it up i mean pour one out for the king wait guys his wife was cheryl teagues did we already say that no the model well he was a photographer so that means there was kind of some hot that uh you know they were only married for two years that probably ended after she put him in the psych ward yeah that'll do it that will do it and all my that's all my relationships have ended oh my god i'm looking at a picture of them together and it's like stunning yeah i wonder

if they had uh kids because they would have really beautiful kids if that was interesting if they if they wanted that if that was something they were interested in i think the kids would have turned out really good i'm really oh they do have a kid zara beard i don't know zara beard a cool name too their daughter looks a little bit like jenny slate very pretty i have to what was her name zara beard i love where the episode is going by the way it's just literally googling and discussing what we see it feels like uh when you've gone to a party and everyone's left and it's just like three people sitting around being like do you want to put a youtube video on the tv yeah okay do this one next do this one next okay warren in all seriousness though we have to know

what else you would put on your record okay okay okay So the next thing I'm putting on is the movie About Time. Okay. Have you seen this movie? Yes, go off. I watched it today. Oh, my God. Did you like it? I did.

Okay, good. What's your problem? I want you to speak on it first, and then we'll continue. So I have a crush on Donald Gleeson, first of all. I think he's, like, really perfect. He's the redhead actor in the movie. And he's like really perfect he's the redhead actor in the movie and he's um just fantastic and this movie is about time life and this movie is about it's about time this movie is and you will not see this coming heavily focused on time it's a huge part of it

but it's about basically in the movie the you you find out I'm not going to give any spoilers, but that the father of his character can time travel. And so it's a very emotional movie because there's kind of the feeling of, should you live in the moment or should you go back to your favorite moments or spend time with people who are gone? What's the best way to live your life? It's just like a really big concept that I end up bawling every time I watch this movie. And I just feel like it's a, it just says a lot about what it's like to live life on earth,

that you have, you know, only one life to live. And would you, if you could time travel, would you want to spend your time doing that? Or would you rather be in the moment? This is such a thoughtful pick. Thank you. I want to spend your time doing that or would you rather be in the moment this is such a thoughtful pick thank you i want to say thoughtful pick thank you this movie came out seven years after a similar in content movie click now click was bad what are you doing what are you up to girlie now click is bad click is the one where you can it was a remote control and you stop time yeah and it's adam sandler but then there

was kind of the twit there was a twist you know he got it from a grocery store i believe and no he got it from a bed bath and beyond it was in the beyond section wow oh cute that's very beyond it sucks to remember that detail it was actually in the beyond section at a bad bath and beyond and um but then there was like a little twist to it where like if he fast-forwarded past like a certain thing he would always fast forward past that certain thing so he ends up like sort of missing a lot of his life um anyway i've never cried as hard in a movie as i did in click wow it's not good it's a really bad movie i cannot i'm happy about it i'm happy about how it touched you but i well the

thing about it is that you end up being pranked by the movie and i won't say how but you do get pranked the crying was for not but um it really did ruin my life for this twist all of 2006 um but how i feel about about time well caleb you speak oh my god i really want to hear where you're going to go with that but okay i will later uh all i want to contribute uh to the conversation regarding about time is i have thank you guys for uh allowing me to speak a little bit on this here at today's meeting. I want to contribute two things. Really thoughtful selection here by guest Lauren Lapkus. I'm loving what we're seeing here. I'm really loving the intention behind it. Second thing I'll say is Rachel McAdams, complete smoke show. You know, beautiful, absolutely charming.

You know, one of the people that you see in a movie and you go I know I would be friends with her I really love Rachel McAdams vibe I would do anything to hang out with her if you're listening girl reach out and Shelby I'll go back to you now Shelby thanks Caleb I

the thing about about time the thing about about time is that it highlights sort of something that I think about all the time, which is that romance is only romantic if you're into someone. And at the beginning, he does so many things that is romantic in the movie because they end up together. But it is distinctly creepy to me oh interesting and it's not it's not a comment on the movie i actually really like the movie but he's like like finding her at every party he like tricks her into like he knows the answers to the questions he's asking her and it's like well they did hit it off organically the first time like she does like him it is in a way it's that is a problem with it but i also feel like that is a problem with coming at it well oh my god oh my god but i mean like just with the more that we get into like all

of those topics in life with just um acceptable behavior and relationships and whatnot which i feel like it's more more of a topic now than ever before. When you watch that movie through that lens, that definitely changes it. I feel like I, I saw it at an age where that was not registering at all. I was like, this is great. I wish someone would do this to me.

I don't think he's bad. Like, I don't think he's bad. It's just one of those. Cause it, she likes him. Like it's not. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's a, it's a, it's a weird kind of creepy tactic yeah well and i think that about a lot of things that like there's like stories that women will tell where they're just like talking about how they met someone or whatever and you're like oh i don't like that at all but they liked it so it's like it's good where they're like oh my god i hated him so much he just would not stop asking me out and then finally here we are So it's like, it's good. Where they're like, oh my God, I hated him so much. He just would not stop asking me out. And then finally, here we are. And it's like, sounds awful. Sounds bad, but you guys did it. Yeah. Also, I just have to note Margot Robbie

in the Rachel McAdams conversation. You have to add in that Margot Robbie is also really hot and cool. She's in this? Yeah. I can't. She's Charlotte. No, she's not. Is she? Yeah. Oh, my God. I feel like I never connected that with her. A young Margot Robbie. Oh, my God.

Early career Margot Robbie. Yeah. Because that's so crazy, though. Because, I mean, I feel like when I saw her in Wolf of Wall Street, I felt like that was the first time I'd ever seen her. Yeah, but you'd seen her before. A lot of people felt like that was the first time I'd ever seen her. Yeah, but you'd seen her before. A lot of people felt like that. I think that's the magic of a breakout moment. Yeah, she...

Well, she had also been in that show Neighbors before that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm looking at the stills now from the movie and I'm like, oh, duh. Of course, but... Duh, it's hot, hot Margot Robbie. Yeah. The other thing that I want to note is that it sucks that he got to have sex so many times on that first night that they had sex and she only got to have it once. I know. But it was really good in her mind. Really great. She had great sex once he had he practiced. OK, sex and then

good sex, good sex, good sex. He had like 12 good sexes and she had one yeah that's interesting so i mean we have to assume that like his cum regenerated every time that he traveled back yeah and then i do assume that about time travel your cum regenerates she makes the comment being like oh my perfect man can only go once. And he's like, oh, brother. But it's so funny because he had sex 12 times. He's actually incredible. Yeah. Perfect man had sex 12 times tonight. He did a lot. She probably felt it at some part of her body. I mean, you have to. There's no way it could have happened to you and not known at all. Time travel is confusing. It's interesting because it's like your

body resets. I don't understand. It basically means it never happened for her. Yeah. So it's not bad. Let me just reiterate. What are you doing? We actually can't analyze the film because it brings up a lot of holes.

Oh yeah. i don't i don't watch anything with a critical eye oh i'm not being critical of it i hope it doesn't seem like i am no no no no maybe critical is not the right word i i watch very little in the moment and i'm like uh doing any kind of analysis at all i almost always enjoy a movie while i'm watching it and then afterwards someone will be like oh that had no plot and i'll be like i didn't notice that right oh no i might feel the same i just like i was caught up they had really good music at the right time so i was in i'm kind of dumb about movies i think i think the coolest thing about about time is how scientifically his dad sits him down to have

the conversation that they as a family can time travel. Yeah. Well, the beach part at the end, oh God, I can't. For all the listeners, Lauren is sobbing right now. It's really beautiful. It's really beautiful. Lauren, we have two more things, I think, to get on your records.

The next one is the sensation of peeing in the shower for the first time, which is something I did last year for the first time. No, you did not. Don't lie to me. First time as you were 35. I'm 35. I had never, yeah, when I was 34, I had never peed in the shower or in the ocean until last year, probably. The ocean?

And I'm assuming not a pool. Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely not a pool oh yeah yeah definitely not a pool no i would get up and go to the bathroom okay that's how i did it my whole life you'd never peed in a shower until last year no and it was a conversation with my group wild horses during one of our shows we were talking about it and two of the women had did it all the time and then me and stephanie allen both were like oh no i've never really done that and then i was like well i'm

gonna try it and so i did try it and it felt really great and i really understand why people do it and it's so easy and it goes right down the drain and it's just not a problem at all and and sometimes yeah i've taken so many showers countless showers my life where i had to pee during it but i just didn't i just waited till i was done in the shower that's so brave did you hype yourself up in the before getting in the shower like this is the time yeah because you have to go you have to like turn off part of your brain that like tells you not to do that yeah you have to go like it's okay at what point did you decide this was the shower you were gonna pee in like was it the whole day you were like the next shower i'm gonna pee in there no it was just that i had to pee and

i was like now is the time like it was like okay this it's it's been presented and i'm gonna go for it and i did and it was really it was totally fine. And I, I now do it, you know, just really randomly. I don't feel like it's something I do every single, I, I, I rarely do it honestly, but it's if I have to pee. Yeah. And I peed in the ocean around that same time for the first time and less satisfying. I'll say it's weird. There's something weird about that. Well, cause you're sitting in it for a second, at least. I think. And it's the idea that like, okay,

even if you're moving your bathing suit or whatever you're doing, it's still kind of getting all over you. Right. Like there's something kind of disgusting about that. I mean, it's coming off in the water, but I don't know. It's,

it kind of grosses me out. Caleb. Thank you guys for throwing it over to me. I'm so excited to weigh in on this a little bit i think it's i think it's beautiful i love it um i pee in the shower i pee in the ocean um i like to pee outdoors it's one of the it's one of the things i love most if i ever get the opportunity to pee outdoors i'll do it instead of in a bathroom um one of the things i love about being home in the country is that i pee i pee outdoors no one's around uh but in la you can't really be doing that so at home you'll just like be like where would you be

and that you would end up peeing you know you so uh if i'm at my mom's house like okay we're hanging out in the garage uh like it's like a morton building where we hang out and now the door is open so you could either walk like three feet and pee outside so easy, or you can go all the way into the house, go into the bathroom. It's like a whole other, you know, you just walk outside, pee and you never have to stop talking. You can keep talking to everybody while you're peeing. It's nice. It's really nice. That's a lifestyle. Yeah. I once got way too drunk at an outdoor graduation party in Ohio where there's a lot of woods. And I was like, I have to pee, refused to go into the house because I knew the parents and they were home. And I was like, I can't be talking to them right now. So I went to the woods,

went to pee in the woods and then realized I had to puke. And I had such an insane, I peed, I puked, I puked some more, still was like, and then I had to just like pull my pants up and like walk back to the party. Oh my God. And everyone was like, are you good? And I was like, no, I got to go home. That's horrible. Yeah. Then my mom asked if I'd been, I was supposed to be at my dad's, but I went back to my mom's because that's the only place I could get a drive a ride to and my mom was like have you been drinking and I was like no I'm just sad I'm just sad have you been drinking no I'm just sad uh Lauren what else would you put

on your records okay my final thing is it's connected a little bit to that it's the taste and feeling of eating a half-b baked chocolate chip cookie while stoned. Wow. That's really cool. Pretty much like the peak of feeling good, I would say, is shoveling that half baked dough into your mouth. I don't know if I've ever been stoned. You do know. You've never smoked weed.

Well, look, I've never smoked weed, but I did one day in Chicago. Did we ever talk about this? I did do that one. did do that one that you did an edible i texted me i ate an old weed gummy that someone gave to me that i i had to psych myself up forever to take it and i don't know if it worked or not but i did have a headache and feel really sleepy the whole day so i don't know that sounds horrible but i wasn't hungry and um i you know chocolate chip cookies to me i i don't like lauren you can push back on this if you want to god knows we didn't agree on chicken salad i don't like when people get creative with a chocolate chip cookie i want it to be just your classic i actually agree with you i feel like the only kind of cookie i really want if i'm being completely honest is a chocolate chip cookie I don't really want anything else I'll eat any other kind of cookie pretty much but

if I'm gonna bake them they're gonna be chocolate chip if I'm gonna buy one at a store it's chocolate chip and I want it to be ideally pretty gooey yeah buttery and I put one addendum yeah I also like the sugar cookies that have little pictures on them that you get at the grocery store. What's that? What is a picture? It'll be like for Christmas. It'll be like Rudolph or Santa. Oh, like the really like frosting ones?

No. No, like straight up like detailed pictures. Those I call cake cookies. Photographs. Now both of you kind of aren't getting me. I want to say it's like Betty Crocker, but they're literally they come as little discs they're already cut and there's the little yes yeah yeah and it's like it's like a pumpkin or it's a bunny it's like yeah it's something festive yeah those are really fucking good but thank you i like a chocolate chip but i will make those

any day those are perfect right out of the oven. And also, like, I'm talking almost about a specific time in my life. I mean, not to say I wouldn't enjoy all this right now, but in my 20s in Chicago, in my apartment with my roommates, that was, like, peak fun, like, getting stoned. And it was, like, making these cookies, getting and watching something stupid being dumb it's like all of it you can't go outside because winter's dead exactly yes you're

freezing you have plastic on the windows and you're wearing a coat inside and you make chocolate cookies and you don't finish cooking them baking them and then you eat them yeah because you get impatient you're like dude i just need it yeah aliens would love that i just want to say yeah are we getting them high are we sending them weed i think they have to have the full experience to really get it i mean ideally so are we sending them do you think it would be best to give them sativa indica or a hybrid? Or all three and be like, figure it out. I feel like hybrid just to be, just to kind of like play it down the middle. Zen, balanced. Yeah.

Cool. What is the difference between Sativa and the other one? They're like, Sativa, it's Indica. Indica, Indica. Indica, ouch. What? So Indica, you're supposed to be like more calmed and sativa you're still like alert creative yeah cool so what's the sativa saying it's indica's in the couch

there's not one it just was like yeah it's like you know the other one you get what the other one yeah so you just have to have the one saying yeah wow but i but i wonder if aliens like you know would experience weed the same way and so then that kind of i hope they would they have to have the one saying yeah wow but i but i wonder if aliens like you know would experience weed the same way and so then that kind of i hope they would they have to have they somehow have to get the feeling whether it's through the same drug or not yeah yeah that makes sense they just have to get the same they have to get the same end result which is that like yeah moment of joy when the cookie goes in the mouth i mean we're working with NASA. They can at least put together a potion or something. I should hope so. Potion. NASA's famous potions.

Lauren, at the beginning of quarantine, I accidentally ate 100 milligrams of weed by myself, and it was one of the worst nights of my life. And that was in the form of chocolate. Oh, no. How'd you... Acc accidentally, you didn't know that it was as strong as it was or you just ate the whole bar? I got two things. And it's actually funny

that you say chocolate chip cookie wall stone because I bought a chocolate bar and a cookie. The cookie was 100 milligrams. The chocolate bar was like 450 or something. I mixed them up. So I had as much of the chocolate bar that I thought was out of 100, but it was instead out of so much more than that. And once you find that out, it's a little too late to be doing anything about it. And that's when you start to think to yourself, listen, no one's died from weed yet, but I could be the first. And then you're just kind of sitting there hoping that it wears off. And no one was home. I lived alone at the time.

Caleb and I hadn't lived together yet. So at the beginning of quarantine, you lived alone and then you moved in together? Yeah, we moved to LA together in quarantine. Oh my God. Yeah, we moved twice. Quarantine. So I started watching stuff on YouTube to try and... Well, first I started watching...

I wouldn't have been helpful, by the way. If I was... If anyone around me was like, I took 100... First of all, I don't know what that means. But if it sounds like a lot, and I would say hospital time, doctors, nurses... Honestly, five milligrams is like enough for me to be like... Stunned. Yeah. But it sounds like a lot. And I would say hospital time, doctors, nurses. Five milligrams is like enough for me to be like, I feel like you guys moving in the middle of this time to LA was like the smartest thing because you got to skip the winter. It was so horrible there.

That is a take I love to hear because, you know, we just people are critical. I think I quadrupled my rent you know so it's really not i mean i have to i have to cling to anything i can to be like you are so smart for doing this that's such a good point that yeah that's not great but yeah winter i mean winter in chicago is so brutal especially during covet i just am like so especially this one they just had that blizzard that was like they couldn't even go people were posing pictures of their doors and they couldn't get outside of them i know i know it looked really horrible yeah i'm grateful you escaped well you're in big bear i have to say from the bottom of my heart

warren i think you put together a really incredible record thank you so much thank you i think you've done something really special here um and i if i was an alien i'd be trying to be your friend you know what's cool is i think the aliens could make a whole night out of your list specifically oh my god i love that night yeah it's great the start of the night the cat goes missing okay cat goes missing start of the night and it's snowing you know the vibe it was your life so it's you lived it that happens cat goes missing then they're like i gotta calm down you watch who's boss theme song when you're sad that comes on so that kind of cheers them up and they're like let's just watch a movie they watch about time while they're doing that they smoke a little bit of weed. Then they put in the cookies, get in the shower, pee while they're baking, get out.

They're like, they're not done yet. Let's just eat them. Eat them. Go to bed. Cat comes back into the bed. I love that night. I love that night. I think it's a beautiful night.

I would live that night tonight if I could. But I don't have a cat. I don't smoke weed. I've already peed in the shower. I don't have cookies.. I don't smoke weed. I've already peed in the shower. I don't have cookies. I could watch about time. And I might, you never know what I'll get up to.

No, you're going to be shitting in a hot tub or whatever. Or whatever. Thank you so much for doing the pod. We, we're such big fans of you. We love you. You did such a good job and we would hire you to any job in the whole

entire world well we're gonna have to we're gonna have to reach out about uh manic pixie dream cop yeah yeah we're gonna get that rolling um i already set a couple meetings while we were doing this and so and i started a production company of my own and we're doing that that's awesome a lot of good stuff ahead okay Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Ciao. Yay. Bye. That was a Hiddem original.