Keeping Records - Mommy is Home

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

They're back from their meeting with NASA; seems like things went well. Now, Caleb's in New York, and Shelby's in LA. But the Zoom that connects them through the cosmos? That's Mommy, and Mommy is home. They play F/M/K with the Supreme Court (answers open to interpretation) and then open up the submission line to solicit additions/deletions for the Golden Record, and as usual you lil freaks did not disappoint. Covering a real wide breadth of the most pressing issues of our time, we have the following: Your Record Additions: "Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson (Audio)\ Soft pretzels dipped in cheese (Food) Finding out a coworker hates the same coworker as you (Feeling) Your Record Deletions: Fluorescent Lighting (Light source) Rolling Coal (Activity) Anya Making the Temperature Too Hot in the Studio (Producer Oversight) Charmin Bears (Product Mascot) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello and greetings to everyone! Peace be upon you! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look who we have here. It's our guest for today.

Comedian, actor, writer, resident funny person, Caleb Heron. Welcome to the podcast. Philanthropist, model, friend, son. You didn't put that in your bio. Well, most people just know to add it on. In my experience, people have known to be like, oh, he's a model. No, I knew those things about you. I knew those things about you 100%.

Obviously, I feel like you wear them on your sleeve. It was one of those things where I figured if you felt almost bashful about me saying it, you wanted to keep them quiet. You guys, our guest today could not be more from Cleveland. Please give it up for Shelby Wolstein. No credits. She is so from Ohio. This girl was born in a city,

and for that we have her on the podcast today. It's Shelby Wolstein. And she's so, so, so present. You guys, put your hands together. And by the way, that city, not one of the big ones. Let's go for Cleveland's favorite girl. Cleveland's native son, Shelby Wallstein. Vanessa Bayer.

Vanessa Bayer. She's from Cleveland. Is she really? Oh my god, I'm freaking out. Yeah, listeners, you heard it here first. Vanessa Bayer, you're the first people to find out that Vanessa Bayer is from Cleveland. Shelby, what's up with you? Oh, you know, just finished scheduling the headstone appointment to look at my dad's headstone design.

Your dad died? No, we just wanted to get it out of the way. Oh, thank God. I was like, what the fuck? Why wouldn't you have said anything anywhere? No, just kidding. He absolutely did. Oh, God.

Well, if we don't laugh, we'll cry, huh? Hey, what's it called when you're having the worst time of your life? Your 20s. It's called your 20s, Shelby, and you're almost out of them. Don't worry, babe. Thank God. You're so close to being 30. How does that feel?

Well, given how my 20s are ending, really, really good. Necessary. I'm begging for 30. Really, really positive and impactful. Like it could only be up from here kind of thing. That's true. Yeah. What are you doing? How's New York? New York is, well, New York is New York. And it always will be.

In New York. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There's nothing you can't do. Remix. New York is good. I'm ready to come home. I've been gone for two weeks and counting. And it's just a little too long.

This is something that you don't have to feel bad about, but you and our dear friend, Gabby Boyd leaving both at the same time for really long amounts of time. Not nice to me. One of your closest friends, both of you. Yeah. And I'll, I'll be honest with you. I'm starting to have some reservations about the fact that I come back to LA on Friday. I'm there for 10 days and then I leave again for two months. That's starting to feel like really bad vibes. I'm excited, but I'm, I'm certainly starting to get to a point in life where I do need to be in my house more often than I'm not. And well, you said that I could at least come stay with you for a little, so that'll feel like home. Home is often a person.

And, and just so I'm clear, you're, you're positing that you are the person who is home to me. If I'm not, that's news to me. Who's home to you? Literally you. But I was just curious if that's what you were telling me. Yeah, I was letting you know who's home to you. Oh, I didn't know that you thought you were home to me. That's so interesting. So much of the time that if we were going out to coffee and you're already there and I get there, I go, Mommy's home. So that makes – well, I was going to say that makes no sense,

but, um, it actually makes perfect sense. But yeah, it's actually, it's not mommy has returned home. It's mommy is home. Um, mommy's home.

Yeah. I was like, it would be weird to say mommy's home if you're home, but I guess I get it now. Mommy is home. Yeah. Mommy equals home. Yeah.

Kind of vibes. Famously. Don't play with the plant. Get your hand off the plant. You don't need to. Kind of vibes. Famously. Don't play with the plant. Get your hand off the plant. You don't need to be touching the plant. This is, hey, listeners, little insider track. Fake. Don't tell them that.

Shelby. Fake. No. The plant is real, you guys. Shelby's kidding. Made of plastic. Well, Shelby. This has a half-life of like six billion years.

This will never die. This will outlive humans. If you want to get rid of this, you have to burn it, and then the carcinogens are awful. Shelby, should we get our guest in here? You guys, I am so excited for today's guest. He is absolutely in trouble. Uh, he's, he's, there's a trial going on right now surrounding his actions. Give it up for former president Donald Trump. Guys, Donald, tell us about how you tried to grab the wheel. That's awesome, dude.

What really happened, bitch? Bitch. What happened with the cheeseburger? Why wouldn't they just let you drive, King? It is so funny that he wanted to go to the terrorism so bad that he tried to wreck a car that the Secret Service agent was driving him in. That is, man, that's funny. This guy is, Donald Trump is one of the, and certainly should be dealt with, and I'm not

going to say how because of not wanting people to show up to my house, but Donald Trump should be dealt with by some brave leftist who isn't well. But he really is one of the funniest US presidents we've ever seen. Well, yeah. I was going to push back, but for what? He does say some shit that just makes he go, oh my gosh. That is funny stuff.

He's out of his mind in such a specific way that I'm really kind of obsessed. I mean, obviously his presidency is going to go down in history as the turning point in American democracy's demise, but man,, man, is it funny? Do you think we'll be a country for long? Yes. Um, yes, we will be, we'll, we'll continue to be, um, you think we'll be one nation forever or do you think soon it's going to be a split? Not forever. I don't think anyone's actually going to split,

but I think it's just going to continue getting better. I think it's going to continue getting better. Over, under, civil war, four years. Oh, there will be no civil war. Oh. Everyone, I really think 2023 is the year we come together. Behind our favorite candidate, Pete Davidson. Pete Buttigieg, folks.

Pete Buttigieg. Coming in from Indiana, the heavyweight champion of the gay politics is Pete Buttigieg. Heavyweight champion of the gay politics, she said. Felt so homophobic, by the way. Did it? In a cute way, don't stress. Well, no, I'm just curious what about, really, I called him a champion. Shelby, you're not supposed to mention that people are gay anymore.

Clap for the heavyweight champ, me. But I couldn't do it all alone. We. That was the best meme of the 2020 election. Casey put in the meme. Casey meme. Casey during that. Casey do meme.

Casey do the meme. Casey do meme. Casey meme challenge. I'm not playing around anymore. Casey meme. What's that challenge Where everyone would freeze Cinnamon No What's the cinnamon challenge

The mannequin challenge This is my submission to the mannequin challenge So So Shall we just sat still For about 10 seconds Just so everyone knows That's called the mannequin challenge Shelby

Hey let's talk about Did you get stuff Is there stuff to do Oh did I ask the listeners if they had submissions for the records? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. Yeah, yeah, I did. Well, let's talk about them.

Zero submissions. Kidding. I don't know why that would make me laugh. I posted it so long ago, no one answered. Everyone was like, I brought it off of you, bitch. Let's see. What kind of will caleb like from this list why can't i think of what song this is caleb if i said never again by kelly clarkson never heard of it that might not even be real right but here's what i'm sorry but here's what i think it sounds like. Never again. We're going to the mall alone.

Because last time we went in a group and everyone misbehaved. Never again. Okay. Here's how I think it sounds. This is because it's Kelly Clarkson. You have to give it a little bit more gravity. Trevor's at the Wetzel's pretzels causing trouble. Mary's at the other Wetzel's pretzels causing trouble. Mary's at the other Wetzel's pretzels.

Never again. I think it's probably like, never again. Never again. Fall in love. Never again. This is her dark era. I'm sorry. Mine at least had a story. No, I think hers is sad dark era. I'm sorry. Mine at least had a story.

No, I think hers is sad and sad. And there's not really a story that you can track because it's like, whoa, someone just hurt her so deep she can't even talk about it yet. Whoa. So she's like, give you my heart never again. Wow. Falling in love never again. That's really, really interesting that you think that. And then at the end, this is what you weren't expecting.

It's, I can't wait to see you again. Why? Next time I freak out. Not only was I not expecting that, I don't like it. Why would that be? Next time I freak out, as i'm taking down when you ask me what i'm thinking about that's actually really good you just came up with that yeah here's what i think the next verse should sound like you can give me your notes. Feels like I shouldn't breathe.

Lost control of me. My best friend, Lesby says she's just being Miley. I'm thinking about writing this for Miley Cyrus. You guys, we are so excited to be digging into more of your submissions. Okay, here's what it actually sounds like. Never Again by Kelly Clarkson. Okay.

Right? We should know. What if it's really good? Our new favorite song. Okay. Eighth in Ocean. I was spot on about it being dark. Ooh. Already I want to say I was closer.

I want to hear her say never again before you make that judgment. Oh, Evanescence. I was spot on. I basically wrote the song 10 seconds ago. Ooh. this is like if evanescence and that band from freaky friday got together for a collab okay see that's almost exactly how i said it no chance yeah yeah you didn't say you can't you can't say that you got closer than me because, you can't say that you got closer than me because. I said never again. You can't say that you got closer than me because what you said was never again, love.

Like that was your submission. Like you literally just said the word love and never again. No, fall in love. I said never again, fall in love, never again, trust you. I had the energy of that song in my performance, I feel like. But I do think that if I were to imagine what it would sound like for Evanescence to do a guest feature on a song by the band from Freaky Friday, that would be what it sounded like.

Yeah, I have to agree with you on that. There's really no taking that away from you as much as i would like to i would love to sit here and take that from you but i just can't do it because you're right someone wants to delete jack antonoff and said he is my enemy and i hate him he knows why you can ask him um i don't believe i don't believe them and also they're wrong because jack antonoff produced the latest chicks album and it was really good. So he can't be deleted. True.

Okay. I'm just reading what we got, okay? Okay. This one you're going to like, I think. Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin smoking a joint together after a long day. Add or delete? Add. I don't know.

Okay. What don't you know about it? I don't like that they had a long day, and I also don't like that they're getting high. Oh, I love that they're getting high. They deserve it. They've had such long roads to get where they're at. Jane Fonda had to work out for so long to get where they're at. Jane Fonda had to work out for so long

to get where she's at. They are really, really, really, really old, those two. Like, just, you know, they've seen it all. I actually struggle to think of how old they are. Like, I'm like, what are they, 80? What would be your guess? I feel like 76 and 74. I gonna say jane fonda is 85 and i'm gonna say lily tomlin is 91

i don't know what do you guys think we are really close with Jane. Yeah? How old is she? 84. Unfortunately, you took the over, so you did max out. But she's 84. How'd I do with Lily? Well, I think you're gonna be further away there, but, you know, I was wrong once. I'll be wrong again.

Gotta help you wrong. Lily Tomlin is 82. I'm so sorry. That's really close as far as ages go. By that logic, you're God, you're so close to 30. There's like no chance I'm ever going to be 80. I just don't

like I just do not see that for myself. Maybe for me. I'm young. Bury me in satinin lay me down on a bed of roses drink me in the river at dawn fuck and send me away with the hurts of a love song i think maybe i'll live to 40 i don't know about it and i think shelby you'll probably live go ahead i was gonna give my take but i want to hear yours first full i think i i think i maybe live until 40 i my whole as long as i remember having memories i didn't think i would live past 20 so after i did that

i was like oh you did it king and now i don't know about the rest of it. And for you, I think you're probably going to die at 73. Whoa, that's way more credit than I would give myself. I've never imagined myself old. Haven't been able to. Would love to be, but it just doesn't seem like something I'll get the chance to do. I think you're going to get to 73. I really do.

But don't be greedy and ask for more because I really think that's it for you fuck okay how old is anya gonna live anya how old is anya now she's 46 anya i would say, is 13. No, Anya's 31. 32! I think Anya and Casey both make it to 35. That sucks.

Casey's 37 right now. Well, Casey, you're living on borrowed time, brother. And he's an absolute fucking ghost. Is Casey really 37? I don't know. I made that up. I don't know. I made that up completely. I will be 100% honest with you.

I do not know Jake and Amir's ages, but I would guess that they are in their 50s. That would be... I would guess that them and Jeffrey James are in their 50s. That would be, I would guess that them and Jeffrey James are in their 50s. Do you think Jake and Amir will have a really successful, when they're in nursing homes, which is soon,

like a successful nursing home show? They do their Thursday nights. Yeah, I really do. I feel like that's going to be the peak of their career. Yeah, I think the best things for them are yet to come in the senior citizen podcasting space. I can't wait until they can no longer drive the Miata. The Miata.

Oh, my God. I completely forgot about the Miata. You forgot about the miata the miata oh my god i completely forgot about the miata you forgot about the miata yeah i guess it's easier for me not to forget i just saw it in the fucking parking lot in the fucking um in the fucking parking lot what else you got in there soft pretzels dipped in cheese i I just had that for lunch, and it was awesome. Pretzel bites. How much salt do you think is perfect for a soft pretzel? I would say every bite should have two granules. And do you feel, as I do, that they often put way too many more than that?

I surely do. It's really upsetting to have a soft pretzel where they put too much salt. Because even if you try and brush it off, it's there. They also often try to do way too much with the cheese dip. Folks, we mastered cheese dip a long, long time ago. Stop getting creative. Pump it with your hand, and that's the cheese dip.

I don't need an IPA in there. No. If you want to put anything in there, you can put in some little pieces of jalapeno. That's it. That is it. I don't want a beer in there. If you put an IPA, if you put a Guinness in my cheese dip, what the heck? If I want a Guinness, I go to Ireland.

I'm sorry. If you want a Guinness, you'll go to Ireland. I'm sorry. If you wanted Guinness, you'll go to Ireland is what you said? Yeah. I don't really like Guinness. I feel like the only time I would drink a Guinness is in Ireland. Yeah. For like the novelty of it. Okay.

But you're not saying if I was in Ireland, maybe I'd drink a Guinness. You're saying if I ever found myself wanting a Guinness, I wouldn't get it at a regular bar. I would force myself to go to Ireland. Yeah. Unless, caveat, the bar's owned by someone who just moved from Ireland.

And they can prove it. And they can prove it. They have a picture from like last week where they were packing up their moving plane. I look scary when I'm back here. Yeah, you're about to do like a ransom. I got to be up here. You're going to do a little ransom.

You called me handsome? I was going to do a little ransom, handsome. I got a coffee cup on my trip when I was in kansas city i got it from the nelson atkins museum of art is that a shuttlecock it's a shuttlecock which is a uh they have big shuttlecocks on the lawn and that's out front the kansas city museum shuttlecock when i see a shuttlecock and it's really cute no it is yeah it's shaped like a shuttlecock, which is pretty cool. And that's something I have going on with me right here on this desk. It feels like it would hold a lot.

You know, I really think that it will. It gets pretty big towards the top, so you can really get some stuff in there. Yeah, it feels like maybe at the beginning you're getting only, like you know when you're pouring something in a glass and you know the can still has some left and the glass is starting to get full? That's something where you could probably test the fate on that a little bit more because it's like, no, there's going to be more room up top. That's so true about pouring stuff. God, ripping the tag off your shirt while wearing it. Add or delete.

Someone added that and I got i gotta say i'm always creating a hole that way yeah it also stresses me out it's well i don't yeah i'm just it's really stresses me out shelby put your flex put your muscles away it really stresses me out no that's this is one of the only things that still has rights what your muscles are one of the only things that still has rights these guns that's not the kind of guns they're giving rights to shelby uh what the fuck what other guns are there like the one like the shooting kind. No, those wouldn't get rights. Not in my America. Shelby, no. Women's bodies are really under attack right now.

You have to be careful what you're saying. Not these guns. Oh my God. These guns are protected. Stop. Everyone's going to freak out when they hear you saying this. You're getting canceled. This shirt, concealed carry.

Oh my God. Shelby, you're being canceled. This shirt, concealed carry. Oh my God. Shelby, you're being so weird right now. I don't know. I think I'm handling the news awesome about the Supreme Court. Do you think other jobs should have to have lifetime appointments just so that we understand what that means?

No, I think the Supreme Court should not have lifetime appointments. It's really weird. No, don't take that away from them. Give it to like CPAs too. It's really weird that they have them. Or it would be funny actually if they did it for sports. Yeah, you get drafted to a team and they're like,

and you'll be here till you die. Yeah, if you want to play for the Buffalo Bills, you got to mean it. You have to put your whole foot-ussy in it. Football-ussy. Noah shall be here. Yeah, that would be fun. I would love to actually watch 80 80 90 year olds play football that'd be awesome all right kill fuck mary clarence thomas neil course such an amy coney i'm going to

it's hard because there's one of them i really want to do to all three fuck and i'm not and i'm not particularly horny right now, I'll tell you that. Mary. Yeah, I'm in love with all three of them. Legally speaking, can you play fuck, marry, kill with Supreme Court justices? No, we'll cancel the game, but you guys know our choice. You know which one we want to fuck. You know what we want to do to all three of them what is going on with them

they're being so fucking random i know amy coney barrett i feel like literally has not been herself since she got on the supreme court like i'm sorry she used to be a fucking blast yeah we when we were coming up together in chicago she was literally a good time. We once rented a boat at, um, what's it called? The playpen in Chicago. And she, you should have seen her like boat jumping boat to boat, like having the time of her, like really like having so much fun. And like everyone was having fun with her too. It wasn't like she was having fun alone. Right. And literally I will just say something about getting Supreme court changes, Chicago comedians. Like,

yes, it's like, literally like Brett Kavanaugh was like so much fun in Chicago at like IO and second city. Everyone's like walking around Chicago being like, no, if they asked me to do Supreme court, I wouldn't do it.

And it's like, that's not true. You know that you would, you know, if they called, if they called wouldn't do it. And it's like, that's not true. You know that you would. You know that you would if they called. If they called, you would do it. And second of all, if that's the case, then don't let it fucking change you. Be about it.

Right. Same thing with Clarence Thomas. I literally, and I'm sorry to say, I saw him be super weird to girls at parties. And then he got Supreme Court and it's like, no one talks about it anymore. And now he's literally making the highest laws in the land and it's like i've seen you be weird to girls you know what i mean like yeah and then when you say it he's like i'm literally the supreme court justice like what are you even talking about right you're like what dude like in five b's like we had to ask

you not to come to like two of the shows right also neil gorsuch neil gorsuch pretending to be straight like I didn't suck his dick after 5Bs. Sorry. Sorry. No, that was too far. Sorry. I've never sucked Neil Gorsuch's dick for real. And he also didn't do 5Bs with me. Any of them, really.

They're not very funny. They couldn't get in. Neil Gorsuch could not get into 5Bs. That's so true. Yeah, literally could not get in 5Bs that's so true literally could not get in someone put and will agree add Muna self titled add Muna self titled album

Muna put out a self titled album? they're about to just kidding they already did just kidding I realized that the listeners wouldn't know That we recorded this after it got released And that it would seem like

Maybe it really was just only about to No, the album's really, really good What's your favorite song on it? I mean, Solid is so good That's my favorite Runner's High, so good. Trouble, you can't name every song on the album. You have to pick one.

I do it top to bottom. I'm like, first, Soak Chiffon. Second, What I Want. Third, Kind of Girl. No, Solid and Runner's High both have been absolute. Here's the thing. I was walking to the gym yesterday. Brag.

Brag. Huge brag. Holding for applause. Fitness queen. Huge brag. Fitness queen. It's uproarious. And then so I was walking to the gym and Runner's High was on.

And when it goes like, it really made my walk change. I had so much more. People on the street were just like, oh shit, that girl rocks. But before that song came on, everyone was like, that girl is sad. So you were just a, you were just a plain girl on the street before the beat changed.

And then you were a hot girl who everyone revered. Is that what I'm to believe? Yeah. And that's the power of the moon is self titled album. Okay, cool. I was just checking. Yeah.

I really, really love solid. Um, it makes me, it makes me want to write a song about girls. Whoa. What are you doing to the girls in the song? Friendship, mostly. But I mean, it depends on what the girls are, too. Because if the girls were an enemy, then of course I would be mean to them.

But mostly I'm friends with girls. There are very few girls that I dislike. What is one line of a song about girls that you are not friends with? Like that were mean to you and they're enemies. I hate you, bitch.

Get offline. Log off forever, bitch. I would say bitch to them because frankly when you don't like a girl, get to you can call her the b word caleb you can when you don't like her that's literally what the word is there for oh my god stop i'm not saying i'm just saying the word was literally invented for girls you don't like it's the same like if you don't like me she's so so solid yeah yeah if you don't like. It's the same like if you don't like me. She's so, so, so solid. Yeah, yeah.

If you don't like me, you can call me a faggot. That's the trade-off. No. Shelby, do you say faggot ever in your life? No. I think you really should consider it. It would be awesome.

No, I think it would probably be really bad. No offense to me. No offense to me. I don't think I can pull it off I think there are so many things that I'm talented at but saying the F word is not one of them babe adding fluorescent lighting is absolutely bonkerino is crazy I would give anything to delete it yeah i would give anything to get rid of for us actually i uh hooked up with a guy in kansas city last week who had fluorescent lighting in his apartment like in his like we walked in he turned it on and i was like i don't know if this is gonna work like it was really abrasive to the eye. I'm talking like old school, like fluorescent, like long fluorescent bulbs. Yeah. And those always are shaken a little. Listeners, you might not know this about me.

I'm a girl that's had her fair share of seizures and fluorescent lighting with the big tubes. They make me think I'll have another. Oh, my God, Shelby. I love. I'm literally laughing. I love when you talk about your seizures, girl. You are so fucking random. Seriously.

Yeah, they're really scary and ugly and they make people look bad and they make your energy feel gone. Fluorescent lights really, truly. They make your energy feel gone. No one talks about this. Someone said they want to delete something that I think I do. And I do think I do it sort of ironically. But I do do it enough that it no longer really reads as such. Which is delete when men get excited and say, let's go. But that is something I can't delete because of the effect I have had on the phrase.

Well, you're not, to my knowledge, a man. So I think you would be saved from this law anyway. But also, I don't think it's fair. Men can say let's go, right? I mean, who are they hurting? Well, and if we got rid of that, this is what we would be missing. I want everyone to know. Let's go.

If you want it, you can get it. Let me know. Let me know. Do you remember that from the song? We would literally be getting rid of that. And that's super scary because that's one of the only things that boys and men have left is saying, let's go. If you want it, you can get it. Let me know.

I want to add boys to men. The process or the band? And the process. And I would like to depict it in the movie Boyhood, a film I've never seen. You've never seen Boyhood? No, it felt like they put so much into it that I felt bad if I wouldn't like it. And so I didn't want to give it the chance. Yeah, you and I have so much in common.

And one of the biggest things is that we're both empaths. And so it really affects our media consumption sometimes. And that's really sad. Yeah, it's like they spent so many years. And it's like if I spent one hour of my life in there and then was like this is not for me it's like jesus christ and you think it's you thought it was a one hour movie as well that might that might be a deterrent as well when you find out the truth how long is it uh boyhood was 14 hours that can't be true. Oh, au contraire. No, how long was it? Hold on. Boyhood. I feel like it had to be pretty long. Okay, I'm going to tell you. Hold on. Boyhood, do you want to take a guess? Oh, it's two hours and 45 minutes. I thought Anya was giving me a rule of how to wrap this

up or something. She was doing sign language, and I was like, sorry, she's counting wrong. And he's having a stroke. But no, it's two hours and 45 minutes, it seems, which is, I would say, too long for a film when you're a girl with attention deficit disorder. Thank God you're not a girl with attention deficit disorder. I am, though. Hyperactive, though, in the middle.

Throw hyperactive in there, why don't you? Well, we're on the topic. Why don't we take a break? And we're back from our break from outer space. Just turn around now. You guys, Shelby and I literally went to space during our break. And you're not going to like what we found up there Thanks to Elon Musk We got to go up in a little space elevator

Just to say hello to our little guys And you're thinking about aliens No, our little guys are not aliens They're the men that we've stolen from Earth And put in space just for us Yeah, so that we could have someone to see. Because you know when you go on vacation and you have no one to see? Sad. We wanted to have someone to see.

We did tell the little freaks that you guys had that meeting with NASA last week. Well, we did have a meeting with NASA, but we can't tell them about it. It's illegal. We signed an NDA, right? Did we really? No, they told me I could talk about it until I'm blue in the face.

Great. Well, I can't even respond at all because I signed a really, really intense NDA. Why did they have you do that? I don't know, but it's not even money that I would lose. It's like relationships and stuff. I'm sorry, just so I'm clear. They had you sign an NDA where the punishment would be a loss of relationships? Yeah, like you will cut off, if if you violate cut off communication with your mom and also um just random friends too like people that I don't even talk to that much but that mean a lot to me and I

found that to be the most peculiar because they knew that I would like no and I that was crazy but like someone I went to middle school with that i like a lot but haven't talked to since maybe 2016 on the list no and i was like yeah i guess that wouldn't impact me like crazy like it would suck but it would be like sort of like what we're already doing but with more like more there would be sort of like a like a law about it well hey i just want you to know if you ever want to talk to me about what happens in your life you totally can but just check in with me first to make sure that i'm in the space to receive the information are you in the space to receive another thing from the list um yeah but let's make it something really really good okay fuck um well it doesn't have to be but if it's not i might get

pissed off and if i get pissed off i might have a total freak out moment that's viral worthy um content if you're listening to this there's like 75 submissions of you and we agree but we can't talk about it the whole episode or could we now we had our two episodes for moon already um that one's good but i don't know how much you're gonna want to say about it well say it let's find out no this is different. This is good stuff. McDonald's Coke in the clear plastic cups. I would actually push back on only one part. The plastic part. Yeah. I like the styrofoam cups. I thought they were awesome.

I didn't care what they did to the environment because of how cool they were to me. And I also would push back on the Coke and say Dr. Pepper. All right. So do you think that's going to work or am I going to get in trouble for saying that? I think it's fine for you. It just feels like maybe I fucked up picking one, but I will get over it. Wait. Oh, God.

I really wish I could talk more about McDonald's. The Filet-O-Fish is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Really? The Filet-O-fish is one of the best things that's ever happened to me really the filet-o-fish is really special people don't give her enough credit people don't give her enough credit she really does what needs to be done not a beef not a pork but a fish the toxic feeling of finding out a co-worker hates the same co-worker as you that's not toxic that's beautiful and necessary organizations organizations thrive on this feeling that's true it's like how am i gonna get my work done if i'm if i'm alone in the feeling of what I'm feeling Also if enough people hate someone in an office

That person should be fired I legitimately feel that way If more than Five of your co-workers don't like you You should literally be like oh Because what are you doing to make everyone mad Speaking of work culture And something someone submitted

Someone said they wanted to delete LinkedIn And here's what I will say to the listeners I'll admit this live on air I don't have a LinkedIn So speaking of work culture and something someone submitted, someone said they wanted to delete LinkedIn. And here's what I will say to the listeners. I'll admit this live on air. I don't have a LinkedIn. That is true. But I do still have a corporate job. That's also true.

And I hated someone so much that got fired that I created a fake LinkedIn for a white man that does not exist so that I could look at his LinkedIn after to see if he got other work. He has not yet. But now he looks at his LinkedIn after to see if he got other work. He has not yet. But now he looks at my LinkedIn twice a week. Yeah, he wants to know who the fuck you are and why you're stalking him. I'm just some white dude. I literally couldn't be more like every guy that's ever been at an office. Stalk image.

That's meant to be used by people. Why did you Google white man business? White corporate guy. Stock. I said white corporate guy stock. And it's just a guy being like... One of the best things that's ever happened to me

is the day that I quit my day job and deleted my LinkedIn account. Deleting LinkedIn was the most powerful feeling I've ever had. I think it is sinister that you can see who's looked at your account. I think it's awesome. More social media should be that way. I wish I could see who looks at my Instagram at what hour because I would have so much more Intel on who I should be hitting on. That's true. That's true.

If it was like, Oh, this guy that you, uh, cause people think they're farting. Sometimes they're not doing a good job. Like they'll like a picture and comment hard eyes. And it's like a lot of people that don't want to fuck me do that too.

So we need to be more, I need more Intel, you know? And if you were someone who's trying to kiss you, what would you be commenting around on the pictures? Literally, if you want to make out with or hook up with me, you need to DM me and say, I want to make out with you and then send a date and a time.

And if the time and date work for me, I'll be there. And if they don't, my assistant will send alternatives. Caleb doesn't have an assistant, but what he will, what you should start doing is just sending him a Google invite. Oh, I love a Google invite. Literally, it would be so hot if a guy just put time on my calendar.

That would be so fucking sexy to me. I would literally be so hot for that. Someone said that they wanted to delete the concept of rolling coal and then said, Caleb might know in parentheses. I mean,

I know what rolling coal is, but I can't imagine why I'm on the hook for that. What is it? Rolling coal is, uh, like when, uh, when you are driving a big truck and you have it,

um, and you have it sputter out a bunch of black smoke, I'm pretty sure. Oh, and you might know? Damn, you got fucking dragged by this submission. I'm going to read you the technical definition. Rolling coal is the practice of modifying a diesel engine to emit large amounts of black or gray sooty exhaust fumes. Yeah, and it's always on a big truck. So these guys push out a bunch of fucked up black smoke from their truck and it's like a spectacle.

It's really, really insane. I watched something on TikTok. Oh, okay. It was, I think, maybe part of the Satisfying Community. Satisfy talk. And it was someone cutting what looked like black jelly. And they were like, this is a cool alternative.

But it looked like, not even jelly, like a pudding. And it was, all I wanted to do was go. What is that? What are you imitating? You wanted to touch it go. What is that? What is, what are you imitating? You wanted to touch it? Squish in my hands. You wanted to squish it in your hands? Okay.

Well, I'm sure we could, you know, find something similar for you or. I don't know. I got to show you. I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm pretty sure it's just like gelatin vibes. No, it was supposed to be a clean alternative to coal. You think it was gelatin? I have vibes.

If we can run things on gelatin, we should get there. We can't stop. We can't run things on gelatin. I'm saying I'm sure if we got you some gelatin and let you squish it around your fingers, it would activate whatever's going on in your brain. Someone wants to delete Anya making the temperature so bad.

No. It was my all. It's from my all. But you can bleep. Someone said delete cold but sweaty. Oh, yeah. Well, that's delete having a fever. You're sick.

Delete needing to go to the hospital. Holy shit, gang. Someone's like, I don't know what's happening, but delete having a dry cough. I'll tell you that. Six different submissions from the same person being like cold but sweaty like it can barely stay awake dizzy when you

stand doing all of this coughing lung coughing lung yeah coughing lung coughing lung okay cut the whole section now leave it no cut the whole section but here's what i'll say i maybe just sold myself out and so and so we're deleting something but what you guys to know is it's because i did something bad shelby shelby basically for when that segment gets cut Shelby basically talked pretty open shit

on two people that we both know and then no I didn't talk shit I talked about something I did that brought me stress but it did pertain to two people that we both know okay what else you got

people are mad that we didn't have a podcast last week. So that's a couple of these deletes. Wow. Delete what? Not having a podcast last week? Yeah, no new episode last week. It's on here like three times.

The show's free. Let's be grateful for the episodes we are getting. I'll say that. Let's exist in a gratitude. Let's exist in a space of gratitude about the episodes for now. For the time being. If you can. For the time being, if you can be grateful for the episodes right now, I would really, really, really encourage it.

I've had the time of my life. Ooh, smooth. It really wasn't, babe. Delete when an old friend messages you out of the blue, but it's just an MLM trap. Sure. Nobody does that to me. Do people think I can't get got?

I don't think it happens to a lot of comedians. I think people are kind of scared to reach out to us. Yeah. Well, unfortunately, I might accidentally talk shit about you on the pod, and then you better fucking stay out of my DMs. Stay out of my DMs. You might accidentally get roasted on the pod.

Someone wants to delete the Charmin bears. No. I think I agree. They don't need to be using toilet paper. Right? It's weird that they do that. They have so much fur. That's what makes it weird. They shouldn't be using toilet paper

They should be going down to the river or something That's fair Okay Don't you feel Someone wants to delete There's no good open toe shoe for men Disagree Birkenstocks makes a great open toe shoe For all genders

You're 100% right You absolutely nailed them They were wrong and you were right Also Tevis for men. Disagree. Birkenstocks makes a great open-toed shoe for all genders. You're 100% right. You absolutely nailed them. They were wrong and you were right. Also Tevas. There are some Tevas that really work for men. And some that don't. The Birkenstock Arizona will treat you fine. Also, if you want a lower cost, maybe more

comfortable option, more comfortable is a stretch, but maybe waterproof. Now you're going to want to go to the Croc store. They make basically an Arizona sandal, the same as the Birkenstock, but in Croc. It looks the same. And now Birkenstock makes also a waterproof one that is now a ripoff of the Croc that is a ripoff of the Birkenstock. So you can actually get yourself in quite a tizzy trying to find the perfect sandal for you, but they make it.

And that's what I want us all to focus on at this present moment. Folks, there are solutions. That's what we've learned. There are solutions. I want to add potstickers. It's not on here, but that's something I want to add. I really would add potstickers specifically the way you

make them at home. When Shelby puts a potsticker in a little bit of sesame oil and then puts in some water and puts on the thing so it steams them, though, really, Shelby does this better than most people. Y'all know when there's a crispy little skirt on the bottom of the dumpling? Ew. That's how I make them. Why'd you call it a skirt? They call them that on fucking channels.

What? They say there it a skirt? They call them that on channels. What? They say there's a skirt. Ew. I don't think I like that. Is that okay? Yeah. A skirt? Ew. It sounds so sexual. There's a crispy little skirt. Ew. Like call it a

crispy. Someone wants Sorry? Call it a crispy bottom yuckier no you think i think a crispy bottom is makes me think someone got a sunburn on their ass what was next what was what was next i don't want to talk about sunburn right now. I have a really traumatic experience. Caleb is sobbing. Don't go to the YouTube and fact check me on this. Caleb's sobbing.

Just do the next thing because I actually can't talk about sunburn right now. Someone said they want to delete And there's an instruction on how to read this So I have to read it this way Diagnosed with a mental illness Just now when I turned 25 Okay, like What do they want to delete?

The fact that they got diagnosed at 25 Or the fact that they have a mental illness? What is the hang up here? I gotta think it's a combination of both. Everybody has a mental illness. You don't even need to be diagnosed. Really, usually. You can just go, oh, fuck, I have that.

You can get on TikTok and find out what you have so fast now. The algorithm is going to tailor it to you. You're going to say, this is the things I'm interested in. They're going to say, you are bipolar. If you like that, you're going to love finding out that you're bipolar. It really is. I know that this is not a unique joke to me, but there really is something so special about how quickly my TikTok was like, and you are interested in fucking anyone of any gender.

And your sexuality. I'm literally like looking at people play with slime and they're like, okay. And you, if you're not out, if you're not out, go ahead and sprint out. I'm literally like looking at people play with slime and they're like okay and you dyke if you're not out go ahead and sprint out you're watching people play with slime and they go dyke alert sorry this is a person who needs to be dating women immediately I'm out here watching

sustainable coal jelly and they're like now that's someone who would fuck someone of the same gender and frankly what are we gonna do what are we going to do? What are we going to do? Call them liars? Nailed it, brother.

Brother. Nailed it. Brother. Finding out someone is straight, delete. Okay. Yeah, I think unless you really don't like them and then finding out they're straight is like a very powerful thing.

So true. And it's actually not often that you don't know that to begin with. Someone said, ratty ass Supreme Court delete forever. I love that descriptor. Really? Yeah, delete the ratty ass

Supreme Court. What are we actually going to do with it? Like, it really is kind of, it's like, truly, are they really not going to pack the court? Don't you think that would be awesome if they did? I really think it would be awesome, but here's the problem. they really not going to pack the court don't you think that would be awesome if they did i really think it would be awesome but here's the problem then they're going to pack them again when someone else is in power and then we're fucked totally but there's more of a balance on that if there's if there's more supreme court justices there's more of a balance so even if they put more bad people on there it goes in waves instead of just these these people we have now they're going to be there for the next 50 years.

This is the true story of nine strangers picked to serve a lifetime sentence and live together and work together and decide the fate of everyday Americans. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting really fucked up. This is the real world Supreme Court.

I wrote that in a note to someone yesterday. Shelby, you should pitch that. To whom? Unscripted development execs. Yeah, MTV, True TV. This is what happens when people stop being fake and start being really into taking away people's rights. This is what happens when people stop being fake

and start being really, really weird. Hey, this has been a really beautiful episode, Shelby. Is there anything you want to plug for the listeners? Literally show this to, if you could, 5,000 year old. And make sure they listen all the way through, by the way. God, I cannot stress this enough. However many of you know 5,000 people, get them on

Spotify today. I would like to promote that I have a show in Los Angeles called Big Wig. We're at a new venue and it's on July 8th. You can check my Instagram or my Twitter for the link. And when you guys aren't listening, I'm going to ask for the secret location. It's not a secret. It's in the arts district.

You just need an address and we're not putting it on the thing yeah that's the secret I want to know that's the secret is the address oh my god that's the answer of the book the secret it's just the address it's just the address to the show you have to talk to Penguin or whatever Random House or whoever published that

Random House absolutely Random House Random House wait they should rebrand come to the show i dare you guys and ultimately thanks for listening to keep it records the best podcast on earth that will be around forever love love you bye That was a Hidgum Original.