Keeping Records - MRIs Are Expensive (with Nori Reed)

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

Caleb has fallen and hit his head. Like a true king he got back up, but now Shelby has the difficult task of convincing him that he doesn't have a brain bleed. Luckily, she has comedian, writer, and actress Nori Reed to assist in assuring Caleb that he doesn't need to seek immediate medical attention. And while Nori's here, why not find out what she'd put on her Golden Record? Absurd reality television, home decor superstores, Italian vistas and Diane Lane, and Normani's magic basketball bum bounce are all heading to space. Nori's Artifacts The Swan (audio-visual) IKEA (architecture and multisensory experience) Normani, "Motivation" (audio) Under The Tuscan Sun (audio-visual) Caleb falling and hitting his head during his self-tape (audio-visual) Original Voyager Artifact Rajasthani greeting, "Hello to everyone. We are happy here and you be happy there." Listen to Hot White Heist on Audible, watch Nori's comedy on HBO Max, and follow her on Instagram and Twitter! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. well well well well well well well well well well well well well well hey hey how's it going well you know how it's going i'm scared for my fucking life right now because you hit your head i was doing a self-tape moments ago i had to fall down for the self-tape and you know what a lesser actor wouldn't have done it they wouldn't have done the fall for a job that they haven't even been offered yet but i said i am not such an actor and i fell down and

the first time i did it i hit my head really hard on the wall i mean the sound of it i was helping because i'm don't say it sounded bad no well what i thought happened at first was that you fell and then for effect like hit the wall with your hand to like make it sound like a fall do you know what i mean god that's horrible to hear i'm getting more stressed out by the minute you're not you are fine i want you to know that you're not internally bleeding i think i have internal bleeding i got to tell you what well it's horrible has happened is i decided to tweet about it i don't know what what what draws me to tweet i decided to tweet attention i sent a tweet oh yeah pretty much

i decided to tweet about it i decided to tweet oh my god guys during oh yeah pretty much I decided to tweet about it I decided to tweet oh my god guys during a self-tape I fell and hit my head and I'm worried about internal bleeding everyone say your brain's not bleeding and then like six trolls are like wow at least you're getting self-tapes no people are responding in droves being like your brain is bleeding I'm a brain doctor hi brain surgeon here you could not be bleeding more internally I wanted you to know that you can't trust them because not a single good brain surgeon is tweeting at 209 p.m well also someone replied this that's not even the scariest part the scariest part is that someone replied immediately and said really actually praying for you because this is how liam neeson's wife died and then i

looked it up and it fully is she had a little tiny fall when she was doing like a baby slope at a ski resort and then she her brain her brain was mushed up against her freaking skull and then she died all right we'll get an mri babe isn't that really expensive yeah in a big way i called my mom and she she was a nurse and i always call her at my hypochondria and i was like hey girly it's time to play tell me not to go to the hospital and she was like she can never win when i play this game with her because she was like you don't need to go to the hospital i'm sure you're fine if you're not having a headache or anything and i was like how bad are you gonna feel though if i die from internal bleeding and she was like well obviously i would feel bad obviously if my son died at my hand i'd be sad yeah she can't win she can't win because she obviously doesn't want to tell me to go to

the hospital i probably don't need to but she's, yeah, I would feel bad if you died. Duh. The problem with my mom in the hospital is that she's constantly being like, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. And then every time she says you're fine, I go and they're like, you have the most obscure and unique disease anyone's ever had. And we need to keep you here from observation for like a week. Shelby, how are you doing? How is your life? I got sunburned yesterday and that's sort of, um, the deal with that. I wish I only had a sunburn. Yeah. Your brain's

bleeding. I can't believe you're complaining the privilege you have. Uh, my brain's not perfect. And you know that, um, should we bring in our guest yeah i feel like we should can i say something really exciting yes our guest has a freaking set coming out on hbo max for pride month which celebrates queer people unfortunately everybody please make some for icon comedian and general friend of the pod nori reed oh my god um thank you for plugging the hbo thing there was just some confusion because i'm not um queer yes exactly and i was like how did you get involved with that because you are yeah straight sis and i think you said Christian? Christian.

Yes, I have a really good manager. Oh. Who's lying about you being queer? Yes, they get me into all sorts of stuff that's not really for me. Okay, and you're going to follow through with the set? Yes. Okay, absolutely. Of course.

Well, yeah. Nori, other than absolutely being unethical about the entertainment industry, what have you been up to and how are you? I'm good. I'm doing really well. I moved into a new place. So I'm just doing all the like, you know, getting stuff off of Facebook Marketplace. I don't know if you're familiar. Yeah. Big time familiar. Yeah. Meeting strangers in West Hollywood, getting their air fryers, just stuff like that. Plural. How many air fryers have you purchased so far? Around five.

Yeah, I have about five air fryers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think you told us earlier you're running all of them at once. What are you cooking? You know, it's like I'm hoping people will come over if I do enough of the air frying. Oh, okay. When? Yeah. When do you want people to come over just

any i'm just anytime just looking for friends just i i really would love some friends through the air fryer okay the air fryer community yeah air fryer community i know you're listening to this rise up get on your feet i feel like do you do you ever um do you know what tiktok is no it's um it's kind of like uh you know fuck okay i like started this bit and then i can't even i'm like how do i even i'm like how do i even like explain tiktok but there's this like you know like the keto community on tiktok is just it they're unhinged oh they're like eating bell peppers and shit just like six pounds of cream cheese and being like healthy dinner and you're like what's up no way it's healthy there's no way it's healthy you can't have a block of cream cheese like

i'm not here to say you can't eat that but i'm saying you can't make you can't post that and be like i have a healthy alternative to the like salad you're eating. What are you talking about? It's a block of cream cheese. It all feels really troll-y to me. They know what they're doing. And if anyone has a natural reaction to it, then they attack them. It's very interesting to me. Right.

They're like, how dare you come for me? It's like my body, my choice. If I eat this cream cheese, then thank you. And it's like, I like my body my choice if i eat this cream cheese then like thank you and it's like i don't care that you're eating the cream cheese i don't want you to tell me that that's the healthy alternative to all other foods the bell pepper sandwich though does sound bad to me the use bell peppers instead of bread to me is like i don't understand the only thing is that it has structural integrity other than that i don't understand why we're using it in place of bread. It doesn't have a similar taste.

Doesn't have a similar texture. It doesn't have a similar anything. It just holds things much like bread. It feels a little transphobic to me because it's like, let bread be bread. Let bread be bread. Stop trying to make bread other stuff. Bread is bread. Celebrate it.

Celebrate bread. Celebrate it. Celebrate bread. Celebrate it. Insert Oprah being like, I love bread. Absolutely. The person I'm dating has been also moving and been on Facebook Marketplace a lot. And I got to tell you, what a journey Facebook Marketplace can be. Today, she sent me a ad about a vacuum that says this vacuum sucks then it says no really it sucks works dandy and barely used no not that okay someone stole my joke

that's nori yeah nori's been doing that bit on the road for years that's a classic nori no fuck is this your ad yeah that's my whole set yeah i will say it it's jarring to watch nori do stand up because nori does 10 to 15 minutes on household appliances air fryers vacuums and seven minutes into it you're like this isn't funny the audience isn't liking it but at minute eight it turns so hard and kills so hard. It kills so hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a Nanette.

You know, at first you're like, I don't really get this. I don't understand what's happening. And then by minute eight, it's like, this is about trauma. Yeah. And we love it. At the end of the day. Because it's powerful, I'm laughing. At the end of the day.

You're crying. You're laughing. Yeah. Norah, you are such a powerful comedian. Thank you. Yeah. crying you're laughing yeah nor you are such a powerful comedian thank you yeah i would call your work inspiring brave powerful impactful necessary um activism uh your stuff about household appliances i would call it all of those things what i what i love about performing right

now is like some some people are like back at it and they're in it and they're doing well and good for them and like whatever but i feel like a lot of my comedy right now when i perform is like just vibes like i don't i don't have jokes i'm just like i'm like y'all like i'm just coming at you with some vibes and and the audience they're like the audiences right now are just so nice because they're so happy to hear someone talk. Yes. And so you can just really go up there and just kind of talk. And they're like a Dave Chappelle, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I light a cigarette. Smoke a cigarette. I light a cigarette. I just start talking. It's about the cigarette for sure, too. Listen, Nori.

Listen, Shelby. We brought you here for a reason. Yeah. We're sending something up to space as you might know and we wanted to know um if we were making our own golden records what are you putting on it what are you putting on it be honest i'm putting a few things on there okay what first now speak on that i dare you you know i'm gonna speak on it yeah absolutely go off um and speak on it whenever you want whenever you're ready don't feel pressured just whenever you are ready go ahead and speak on it you know i'm ready now okay that's awesome you know the first thing that just came to my mind

and i truly is like, is the swan? Do you remember this or know about this? Last year, the swan phenomenon took the country by storm. It all began with a nationwide search for over 200,000 hopefuls. Each looking to fulfill their fantasies of going from ugly ducklings. People just don't understand what it feels like to feel ugly. I'm afraid nobody else would ever love me to beautiful swans so i don't know i caleb doesn't know it i remember having heard of it and then googled it today to like really get into it watched a couple

clips and i do have some questions because there's parts that i don't fully understand but overall an absolute mess in culture. Yes. There was like a moment in time, like in the, I guess like early 2000s, late 1990s, where it was just like very appropriate to do insane stuff on TV. I think just because reality TV was just starting. Yeah. So like they were exploring the limits.

Fear factor. Yeah. they were really trying to figure out what is could this be to us yes everyone can we kill someone fear factor was insane i'll say that fuck fear factor what was the point why do you have this money okay we're gonna throw you in a cave and every three minutes we're gonna put a couple more snakes and a couple more deadly spiders in there with you and you just have to sit babe yeah and you're covered in the food that they like i mean it was so it was so disgusting where it'd be like it would be like if it wasn't something like that it would be like you have to jump out of a plane with no parachute and hope you land

on the dot and it's like what's going on i hate it yeah and joean, you know, famously. Icon. Icon. My personal icon and who I look up to. Joe Rogan, icon. Joe Rogan, queer icon. Queer icon. Happy Pride, Joe Rogan. So The Swan was like one of those shows that was testing the limits of like what they could do. And basically they took a group of women who did not like the way they looked and were like, we're going to transform you surgically on TV and completely like transform you and make you into like real women, like real valid like women. We're going to make you into a real girl. We're going to make you exist.

Yes. women we're gonna make you into a real girl we're gonna make you exist yes so the part of it that is understandable at face value is that these are people that don't like the way they look and they're like okay we're gonna do surgery and you'll look different at the end but there's also a competition factor in it they are doing a pageant at the end and every episode is a competition between two girls to be like okay by, by the end of this episode, one of you will be hot enough to continue and the other one will have gotten the surgery, but you're not hot enough to continue.

That is confusing to me. And then there's a winner, a grand winner of the hottest of all the new faces. Yeah. And they can't see themselves for three months during the transformation. Oh my God. That's the craziest part.

The three months they are like getting surgery going to therapy um which they don't keep going to the therapist after the old contestants are all like yeah this was the worst thing that ever happened to me um i have complete body dysmorphia i don't know what i look like and i um also didn't get any support after the show but they go to therapy they do all this stuff like work on themselves don't see themselves for three months and then in a room full of people have to look in a mirror and be like oh oh my god and they all are unrecognizable i love that they took the extreme home makeover model and like just put it on a person that bus yeah it's like move that bus and then you like see yourself after three months of's like, move that bus! And then you, like,

see yourself after three months of not... Like, at that point, do you even think that you exist? Like, if you can't look at yourself... You've gone so long

without perceiving yourself that you're like, am I real? One girl got straight up booted from the show because she saw herself in a mirror and they were like,

you're out, girly. What? Straight up. There's a show that happened after the swan so much more recently which is so much more troubling to me there's actually two what is called surgery spelled sir jury like jury like in court that happened in 2019 so that's been pretty recent and then but right before that a couple years before, there was a show called Bridalplasty, which I really got into.

And I want you guys to know about it. Bridalplasty is the worst thing that's ever happened. It's all soon to be brides. They get separated from their fiance for the duration of the show. They don't like the way they look. They want to look hot at their wedding. They do competitions where the reward of the show. They don't like the way they look. They want to look hot at their wedding. They do competitions where the reward is a surgery.

So it'll be like, whoever wins this gets a nose job. So they duke it out for a nose job. And then at the end of that, then the next week, like whoever just got the nose job, someone gets booted every week too. Someone's like, doesn't make the cut, has like half surgeries done and is like sort of like a Frankenstein. Yeah, got a new nose but your forehead still sucks your tits are still

small whatever can you imagine if you just got enormous boobs but like everything else was the same or they did them one at a time they're like this week you win the left rest but then because they're like recovering from surgery the next like challenge they can't participate in because they're like recovering from surgery so they're like standing they're standing like on a balcony being like oh girls like completely in cast while everyone's like running around trying to do a puzzle so that they can get like a tummy tuck and you're like okay and then at the end whoever wins just like the husband or fiance or whoever doesn't see them until they're walking down the aisle. And they look like completely different people.

Oh, my God. This is an incredible show. I love being an American. I'm just going to be real with you. I love to be an American. Where are we stuck? I know I'm just going to give it 100. I love it. Where in the East I know I'm free. I'm free.

And I won't forget the men who died and gave that fight to me. And I'm going to what? I'll probably stand up next to you and defend her still today. Because there ain't no doubt I love this land God bless the USA Okay, Caleb, you have like a beautiful singing voice?

Wait, Caleb, you have like a gorgeous voice. I could sing covers of country songs. Wait. I didn't. Wait. Nori, don't. I didn't know that. Shelby, Shelby,

you have a beautiful voice too and we can do something about it. Thank you. But Nori's trying to compliment us right now because when I get a compliment, you get a compliment. That's so true. There was just like a country twang

that just was so real. Baby, what? Baby, what? I saw it. Turn the lights down. Turn the lights down. Turn the doors in. Turn the lights. Wait, wait.

Not Shelby. Shelby said, baby lock the doors. Shelby was giving it a real country. Shelby. No, I didn't. We can't fight anymore

on the pod, Nori. Play it back. Play it back. Play it back. Play it back. Shelby and I can't fight on the pod anymore. We got in trouble. I feel like I touched something and i didn't mean to i'm sorry you didn't at all

we're just having what you touched is how badly i want to be a singer and what you touched is that caleb and i joke often about having a country folk album that we and i'm now putting it public because maybe someone will push it but um it's like a country folk album that is absolutely a joke unless people like it and then if they like it we go on tour as musicians and we become musicians and also um another thing that must be said is the entirety of this podcast recording i will only be thinking about my brain bleed i mean it is almost impossible for me to talk about you know because i nori people expect on the pod they expect me to give scathing in-depth takes on culture you know but i am unwell

because i have a bleeding brain right now so that's something you might have noticed as well when i was singing was just that um i could have done even better if i didn't have the brain thing going on i feel like not a lot of people watch the show Raising Hope, but I did. I did too. You did too? Caleb is the reverse of the main guy who, when he was little, had an incredible voice, hit his head, lost the ability to sing. Caleb had an okay voice, hit his head, now is the best singer in America.

Nori, what do you um you could put on the records to showcase my head injury well how can we how can we make your records about my head injury do you have any ideas um i just feel i feel like um maybe the head trauma just added a realness like a realness and a grit to to the voice yes okay okay interesting and so is it fair to say that you would put um the 45 second uh portion of that self-tape where i fall down on your record um nori yeah yeah yeah yes no yes nori's like no i actually wouldn't actually want to talk about the swan no i yeah well you guys get plastic surgery on like your face like do you think you'll get like a nose job or cheeks or any okay i love that i don't know yes maybe the pain of it all is scary

scary i don't know i'm pretty strong i feel like i could handle it shelby you don't think you could caleb you actively won't get your wisdom teeth out what do you mean by that you know what i mean by that you are too scared to be put under to get the what do you mean by telling the truth about me oh well that's what i mean the truth um nori do you nori do you want to be like super done up in the face like do you want to be like old like jane fonda when you're old do you want to be like tight and like pulled and no i i want like smart work like very subtle very okay just like very suggestive kind of like like aging is happening but for me it's it's it's different how do you mean like a like a julianne moore like it's like of course she's aging but because of her high moral authority and god's blessing it's just a little different for her yes paul rudd support that a paul rudd aging type deal i would say the only good thing about these

plastic surgery shows is that i would want plastic surgery from one of the doctors on live TV because that's advertising for them. If I don't look good, they're fucked. They're putting this on TV as like, I did this to this person. So then they're really gonna give it their all. If it's in the privacy of someone's office and they don't know I'm gonna name them, I can't trust that they're gonna do their best work.

That's actually a really good point that you bring up, Shelby. And I agree with you. I don't like to go to doctors. I don't like to go to doctors publicized i don't like to go to doctors i don't like to go to doctors who don't have really good uh zoc doc profiles if they're not concerned with publicity i'm like you don't mean this you're not you're not invested in this yeah if you're on bridal plasty and you are advertising yourself as the public face of plastic surgery of these women like i know you're on bridalplasty and you are advertising yourself as the public face of plastic surgery of these women, like, I know you're going to try really hard.

Yeah. Can I counter? Oh, my God. Nori, go off. I'm sorry. I apologize. I have a counterpoint. I want you to.

I can be wrong on this podcast almost every time I am. tv like all those like home renovation shows the the people who participate they sue the fuck out of the people who like renovated their homes because they don't do it up to code and stuff yeah because they come in they do the tv magic they do the tv magic and then they leave and then their home is like literally at this broken mess of a it's like taped together with scotch tape so what happens when you have that celebrity face makeover the doctor production they leave then the tape comes off i don't know i mean i'm just hoping i'm sorry nor are you really poke some holes babe that was powerful i won't get tv surgery i won't get tv surgery i care about you shelby and that's why i just had to say something i would i get that and i think yeah there is some tv magic

involved but i do they focus so much in the swan clips that i watched on the plastic surgeon's face and he seems so proud of his work and i also recognize him and i don't know why i don't know if he does more i don't know if he does more TV surgeries or what's up. It could be your father. Yeah, she'll be your father, your long-lost dad. Wait, Nori, also we want to talk to you about something that was on the original records, and we want to play it for you. Thank you.

So that is Rajasthani and it translates to hello to everyone. We are happy here and you be happy there. Thank you. One of the greetings on the original records is from the Rajasthani language. They say, hello to everyone. We are happy here and you be happy there. Rajasthan is a state in northern India that covers an area of about 342,000 square kilometers. It literally means land of kings. The official game of Rajasthan is basketball. In Rajasthan, they really be hooping. In Rajasthan, ball is life. Rajasthan's economy is primarily agricultural and pastoral. Wheat and barley are cultivated over large areas, as are pulses, sugarcane, and oil seeds. This, of course, comes secondary to the official sport being basketball.

Rajasthan is known for its custom culture colors, majestic forts, and palaces, folk dances and music, local festivals, local food, sand dunes, carved temples, and beautiful havelesses. According to the 2011 census of India, Rajasthan has a total population of about 68.5 million people, which means when they said, we are good here, they were speaking on behalf of a lot of people. We are good here. You be good there. Not quite an invitation. More of a command. And it brings up the question, what does it mean to be good here? And what does it mean to be good

there? And what does it mean to be good, period? Are they different things to be good here or to be good in outer space? Or is being good anywhere pretty much the same? Or are they simply saying, let's be good, but we're not good together. Do they mean be well? Or do they mean behave? Behave over there. We behave here.

You behave over there. Powerful stuff. This is a message from people who don't quite want you around. But they're too polite to say so. They say, we don't need you to come mingle with us. We need you to just stay over there, but do be good. You guys are having a good time.

We can tell. And we want you to keep doing that. You guys do you, we'll do us. Do you have thoughts about that honestly yeah nori what is that what does that inspire in you how does that make you feel well i felt like i was immediately confronted with my own internalized um xenophobia because no hurry please i was expecting english and when i didn't get that english it was a shock and i just want to name that and I want to own that. Thank you for being so brave. It's sort of standing in the light of Nori's bravery, which has been shown upon me.

I'll say Rajasthani. Rajasthani. What is, where? Rajasthan. Rajasthan. I didn't fully not know. Rajasthan. Yeah. I didn't fully not know that was a place. I'm not kidding.

India. It's in India. Oh my God. I did not know that. That makes me feel so bad. It's in India. They speak it in India and also in parts of Pakistan is my understanding from. Thank you, Shelby.

Thank you. Shelby, did you know that before we were doing today's episode? Be honest. Before, well, before we pressed record? Yes. Because I Googled it earlier today. Yeah. Okay. Okay. okay that's what i'm like am i really so out of touch shelby's like it is a beautiful language spoken in pakistan and i'm like okay what if i what if i all of a sudden started speaking it like fluently right now that'd be beautiful yeah i can't i start getting way i start getting really uh positive on rajasthani like too much like it's

like defensive i'm like that would be gorgeous and i'd love to hear it I wish I spoke it um I I really think nothing is funnier than being like hey do you guys have anything you want to say the possible intelligent life we find elsewhere and being like yeah we're happy over here and you be happy there I feel misrepresented by it as a as a member of the human race I'm like are we are we happy over here? Let's be honest. It is so like West Side Story fight being like, you're there. We're here. You stay. We'll be good.

You be good. We don't need to intermix. We don't need to mix. We're oil and water. To be honest, I broke up with my therapist today. And this is basically what I texted. You said, you seem happy. I'm happy.

Read us the text. Read us the text verbatim. I'm begging you. I'm begging you. I'm begging you. It's pretty fake. It's pretty like... Oh, I know, babe.

I hate conflict. I have ghosted every single therapist I've ever had. So at least you're being fake about it. I'm being absolutely evasive. Highlighting that I still need therapy. I won't say her name. So hello, therapist. I hope this message finds you well.

Right off the bat. Fake. Fake. Not how you talk at all. Immediately fake. It's so fake. I've been reflecting a lot and i would like to lie lie lie would none of us ever reflect and i would like to end our therapy together

thank you for being a support to me as i navigated the pandemic and the instability that came with it. And I appreciate it truly. Sending you payment for last week's session. And I think that means we're all caught up. Is that like psychotic? And then you say, I am happy here. You be happy there. We are happy here.

You be happy there. That's what I said. that's basically what i said i love that it is so funny the like the the the amount of professionalism and i feel like you put a lot of thought into it i feel like you really reworked it thank you i i i've been stressing about this for like a week yeah and so like do you ever do you ever just are you like so anxious about something and then for whatever reason the time comes you're like i can do this and then you just do it yes yeah that's what happened i was like okay and then i wrote the text in like two seconds has she texted back no it's on red though the last two therapists i had i canceled the last session

for like some reason and then just never followed up and all my messages to them are like like the most recent one i was like hey gotta figure out my insurance but like love you girl I said I have to cancel this week also need to chat with my insurance so I'll let you know appreciate your patience you're like you're putting it all on the insurance so that it's not really about you and the therapist well she said I had to submit independently

and I was like I don't want to do this no so wait I have something to say say it loud say it proud i'm here i'm queer and we're taking a break on the podcast what's up we're going to break now welcome bark no worry what's wrong name it name it go ahead go ahead speak on it speak on it i mean that break was what's wrong what happened over break to stress you out um well like a little bit of blood started coming from your ear and you were like, no, no, no,

no, no. Literally, literally not you doing a bit and me literally checking my camera to be like, okay, Caleb is terrified that, that he's going to, I almost, they, them do. And we just said, Caleb is scared that they are going to die. You do this every time we hang out. You, I just, you you you accuse me of being a closeted trans person i just think you're a beautiful out trans person you accuse me of being a closeted trans person i would never be cause i don't accuse i invite thank you i'm inviting

weird to use the word because that's the only way that you can transition is someone in the community has to invite you it's mlm so true that's how i came out caleb continue to invite me and i said okay fine my mom's trans so i'm trans yes you have to my mom was a waitress so i can carry a lot of plates at once yeah it goes through the mother the lineage and then also you have to ask a trans person three times before you can become trans exactly so huge i do think that's such an annoying we the jewish people created such an annoying rule why do you ever want to be asked anything three times i'm jewish i can say that i would know if someone asked me something once i want to be able to give my answer then i don't want to be answered three times that's so annoying i think it's kind of beautiful it can be but it is annoying but i'm

choosing that actually is that actually is the tea on everything in life it's like yeah it can be but it is annoying but i'm choosing that actually is that actually is the tea on everything in life it's like yeah it could be if i chose to have that perspective but i want to be annoyed here caleb i'm gonna i'm gonna try it on you caleb um can we hang out later yes caleb can we hang out later yes caleb can we hang out later no it's annoying the third time it's annoying do we agree i felt really i felt really safe during that nori did you feel safe during that i think um nori hate on the jewish people is a gorgeous um just like the rajasthani um language i think both of them are valid and i you know i just i support them no one no one's insinuated they're invalid.

Nori says they're valid. They're legitimate. They're real. They're real. I believe in Jewish people as in that I think they exist. Jewish people exist. I know that they think that they exist and I think I see that in them. I've seen Jewish people before.

Nori, what else would you put on your records? I thought about the song Motivation by Normani. Let me be your motivation Just the song or also the music video? You know, it's funny because my gut reaction is like, just the song? I love that.

Keep that. I don't, you know? Keep that. Okay. I trust that. I trust that instinct. The only part of the music video that I would challenge you on

is that Normani does something unbelievable in this music video. She's dancing. Good for her. And she bounces a basketball off her ass. Yes. And I get that this is movie magic, but the basketball goes in the hoop. Unbelievable.

Well, you know that didn't actually happen. I just said it. I get that it's movie magic but it looks really real there was magic in the video because one of the last scenes when they're dancing in the rain the sound equipment could only take so much rain so they actually did it all in one take whoa yep so i don't want the music video on the record but i do want a fact book about it on the record i feel like it's kind of um cornball energy for me to say this because they are friends of ours but the band moona has

an incredible cover they have an unbelievable cover of the song really have you heard it nori no it is wonderful motivation covered by moona i imagine by now we've already played original motivation and now i'd like us to quickly play the moona cover can we do that yeah let's get let's let's um mike can you play that I love that song. Normani's hot. Normani also did a great, I don't know what we call them,

duets feature with Sam Smith. That was so good. Caleb loves them. Caleb loves Sam Smith. The motivation live performance for the VMAs. Like that is the most like it. It's magical. It's live music.

Like I think she does the basketball butt thing like live ish. Okay. So it's not magic. Everyone told me it was fake, but she's doing it live. No, it's still like produced but she like references it oh yeah there's something like about that and then she also comes down in the hoop like in the basketball hoop itself it's i want to be um a pop star not because i want i just want to be able to do really weird shit i once went to a justin bieber concert embarrassing and um not embarrassing embarrassing

and he flew over me in a little white heart you know who flies in a lot of their shows or maybe all of them pink pink pink pink doesn't just fly pink is an acrobat she is she really is and she's very talented and she sings while she does acrobatics. She does that kind of acrobaticism where you're in a curtain. And you're climbing. And you're falling. And you're catching yourself wrapped in a satin sheet. I mean, good on her.

Are you honest? I think she does it just for the outfits. Of course. That's the vibe I get. That's okay. does it just for the outfits of course that's the vibe i get that's okay she's addicted to the outfits are you criticizing or are you celebrating i'm just being truthful you whatever lens you put on it that's on you that's on you um i love the inclusion of motivation it's a it's a party bop it's a banger it makes me want to dance it makes me want to kiss there's a joy there's like a deep joy to it that just makes me feel like feel alive yeah and i support i'm thinking

about it right now i've listened to that song upwards of a hundred times and it is all vibes because i don't think i know i need the lyrics other than be your motivation those words i know the rest i'm kind of like you I guess I just sort of vibe. You got that good, good baby, don't you? You got that good, good baby, don't you? Want to take it down. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Regular.

I just know sort of consonants and syllables, but I don't know them all together. It's like Nori's stand-up. It's just vibes only. It's just vibes. It's really just vibes. It's vibes. I love that inclusion thank you nori i have a nori i actually have a really important question for you thank you what's next what's next on your records okay well um okay i thought it was

probably like the question caleb yeah that's the question i thought it was more spiritual like something spiritual really nori what do you think happens when we die because i might be close i think it's a zoom meeting you think we go we go on to a zoom meeting when we die yeah the big zoom in the sky the big zoom meeting in this is it industry or just like what is it you know it depends on how good you are oh so watch yourself she already said she was a christian babe so watch yourself yeah i'm a christian i'm a christian who believes that heaven is zoom that's one of that's the church i'm a part of yes okay i put under the tuscan sun the film with diane lake caleb have you seen is that an

actress i was like close who am i thinking of who has the last name lake ricky ricky lake i combined him for a super person caleb have you seen under the tuscan sun i don't think so maybe bits and pieces i've seen her standing in a field before i don't know she stands in a field i'm bad at movies tell us about the movie god i feel like i feel like my my references are like 40 year old woman kind of vibes no the swan is perfect 37 normani is of the moment normani is of the moment thank you under the tuscan sun well i've never seen a movie before caleb can attest to that i'm really bad at that so I haven't seen it it's a beautiful film what is it about?

beautiful film it's about a beautiful woman whose life just kind of falls apart I'm in relatable being beautiful and having things fall apart and then she's like you know what

when was I happy? And she was like, oh, yeah, I was happy when I was in Italy that one time with my friends. And so she's like, well, I'm just going to go back to fucking Tuscany. And then she like wakes up. Yeah, she like wakes up. Her sexuality comes back. She's fucking everyone. Okay.

Whoa. Everyone. Is Richardard kieran this movie i don't i don't think so no i love her fucking everyone that's hot are the guys hot the guys are hot they're italian she's eating gorgeous food she's um timothy chalamet is like you know fucking some gay guy what's up chalamet's in it i'm just i'm kidding that was the other i was like i was like wasn't he like 10 how could he be in it i was like i truly was like if he is he's really little to be fucking he's already in my opinion too little to be fucking always yeah he's already sort of seems like he's too young to fuck it oh my god it would be so fun though if they um if in under the tuscans if we found out that call me by your name is a spinoff of under the tuscan sun oh never saw that movie either i would say it was definitely influenced by just the luscious like just

delicious like italian countryside kind of vibes yeah Is that what you want the aliens to take apart? That Italy exists and it's pretty? I want the aliens to know that Italy is a thing. Okay. Thank you. So many people are afraid to be pro-Italian. Thank you. And then also just like human experience of like things falling apart and then taking

back control of your life through like a big change is so human right kind of like is it the original you pray love in a way yes oh i would love it i should watch it okay love watch it i isn't there a book called things fall apart yeah that's that's the one where he was outed by oprah as being fake wait what in the book no that's not the story of the book that happened in real life no so in real life he wrote this book it's non-fiction and then he went on oprah and then oprah was like wait a second this doesn't make any sense and then it came out that he made the whole thing up i thought okay mike mike says in the chat that's a million little pieces pieces. I'm pretty sure things fall apart. It depicts

pre-colonial life in the southeastern part of Nigeria and the arrival of Europeans during the late 90s. Okay, we're going to cut that out. No! We're definitely cutting that out. I'm texting my manager right now. We're cutting that out. Not the manager.

Honestly, someone tweeted a couple, maybe a month ago or a couple weeks ago or something. Someone tweeted, nothing kills the fun energy of collaborating more than let me loop in my managers on this. And Caleb's manager shared it. Yeah. Well, she knows. My manager's cool. like tova but it is it is jarring when you're like hanging out with people talking about a project or something you're emailing about and then they're like looping in my manager it's like oh fuck i guess

we're working now yeah i'm humiliated um i feel like this is my A Million Little Pieces moment. No. Things are falling apart. Things are falling apart. We would never out you. We would never out you, babe. Things fell apart for the author of A Million Little Pieces. Yeah. Things are falling apart for, yeah. For Nori.

In a big way. Okay. Oh, it's so funny. So my next record. Yeah. That, yeah. I also, I put Ikea. I went for the first time like a month ago really

and then i went four days later what was your experience like a new ikea but like what what's the vibe i really couldn't have anticipated it everyone always is like okay it's really big that was the vibe i was going into it with ikea is is big. That was not a lie. It is massive. But what people don't talk enough about is how many lives you can live in an Ikea. I can be in any home with any personality that I want just for like a second. But what's really bad is the person I was with really had to go to the bathroom and there's so many fake bathrooms, but it's so hard to find a real one. Oh no, they peed on the floor. They used a staged bathroom.

It was like, she kept going to like different people that worked there being like, where's the bathroom? And they were like, you're gonna go past the bedrooms into the kitchens through the, like whatever. Had to keep doing that because it's a maze in there. And you have to keep following little pathways until you get where you need to be ultimately the bathroom was by the cafe a weird place for a bathroom i don't like to poop where i eat that's don't shit where you eat it's a classic number one i went um i went recently because i famously just moved into a place and

had to buy stuff and went to the cafe with my friend because you can actually for the first time in a long time can eat inside the ikea and the people in front of us were so the staff was so overwhelmed clearly not enough people were working they were so overwhelmed and the people in front of us instead of having empathy for that was like fully going in on this random employee because there wasn't chocolate cake well like i'm talking i'm talking like devastating like just i'm not saying they should have gone in but there should be chocolate oh there should have been chocolate cake it was me i was okay you know what though nori seriously there have been like probably three or four times now since since the beginning of vaccinations where someone in front

of behind or around me on top around about throughout someone near me okay prepositions go off okay prepositions has been uh really fucking mean to a service worker who's clearly overwhelmed and i've legitimately had to be like three or four times now be like hey uh maybe we just back off a little bit it seems like they're stressed out it's like what is fucking wrong with you these people are working in like masks still understaffed like clearly just worked probably worked the whole pandemic while you were like sitting at your work from home job it is fucking insane energy the way people are acting right now it's like it's fucked up and it's like it's very you know i'm i hate to say it because it's so controversial it's very capitalism oh yeah we're actually sponsored by capitalism so yes i knew this was a capitalism i knew this

was a capitalism yeah oh but not we have to beat this out we have to yeah we have to bleep you talking about it about capitalism but not my but not the author mix-up you can't no no because that doesn't bother that doesn't fuck with our paycheck that's pro-capitalism what i did exactly oh my god uh did you say anything to them or were you a bystander i they actually looked at me like for support and i looked away yeah that's so powerful powerful shun them shun them like powerful vibes like let action speak more than louder than words kind of vibes 100 and then john quinones walked out and said well what would you do 100 yes and i punched him in the fucking face i said that's what i do bitch bitch yeah i am surprised by how much I like the stuff at Ikea.

I guess I was under the impression that because people complain about it so much, it's hard to put together, that it's also ugly. And that's not true. No, that's like the trade-off. It's like Scandinavian, like amazing design. Gorge. Stunning. But the experience of doing the thing is...

The difficult part. Like you get the cute furniture very difficult how's your how's your head talking about caleb's kind of in the chat talking about the cost of an mri i did during the podcast barely paying attention i googled not paying attention i was talking about ikea you guys brought up my chat i did or i have during the course of the pod googled the cost of an mri versus a c scan, what's more appropriate for brain bleeding. I also Googled, can a head x-ray exist, and does that capture bleeding? I haven't gotten confirmation on either.

How much is an MRI? It says anywhere from $250 to $12,000. What you guys need to know is I've had at least seven. How much does they usually end up being for you shall because the range that we're getting is confusing me and nori big range not 12 000 but uh I don't know because insurance I have good insurance thankfully um but yeah I've had to get a lot of them done they say if I get one more concussion, I have to wear a helmet for a year. Well, let's do it. That would be so iconic.

That would be so iconic because only to imagine, here's the thing. This is why it would be iconic to me. Not that you have to wear a helmet. Plenty of people have to do that, I'm sure. The reason it makes me laugh so hard is the idea of you going to comedy shows because you're going to go up there and want to do just normal stand up and people are going to think you're doing a character bit. Yeah.

I'm going to say, hey, everyone. Yeah. People are going to think I'm being really problematic. Yeah. I do have to wear this. I do genuinely have to wear this. And they're going to think you're being more fucked up when none of your material is even about like addressing the little costume you put on.

Because they're not going to think you need it. Yeah, I'm going to have to do a little thing at the top that's like disclaimer, guys. I know what this looks like. I give a doctor's note. You could do one of those TikToks where they don't say anything, but they just point to like the text that explains the thing with the music. Hi, my name is Shelby. I wear a helmet. I wear a helmet.

I got way too many concussions. I'm also a stand-up comedian. I like to talk about dating instead of my helmet. Yes. Dance with me. A million followers. And then dances it out. Dance with me.

And then it's you being like. And it's all set to that song that's like, I feel like fucking something. I feel like fucking something. I wish to be good at something. Fucking with you i feel like fucking something and it's about the helmet yeah um anyway an mri is actually really annoying i don't know if that matter actually i don't know which one is more annoying a ctr and mri i've had both one of that both of them you lay down in a little tube. One of them is really, really long and the other one is really, really short.

The really, really long one, they give you headphones and they're like, we'll play anything you want. But then every time I've gotten one, they have forgotten to press play. And they say, what do you want to listen? I go, just top 20 is fine.

And then radio sounds. And then the machine, the problem with it is that it's not one sound. You know how like if there's one annoying sound, but it happens for long enough, you can get into a rhythm. So it's not like, it'll be like,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da and it like keeps going different ways then you're like all right well i can't sleep and you have to stay just still wait nori speaking of things we hate what's something so embarrassing in all of humanity that you think it should be deleted from the records altogether and before you answer we should tell you you don't need to say the big

stuff like war caleb's brain damage my brain damage brain damage in general famine homophobia you don't have to say that stuff you can just say something small um maybe like that the part of the podcast where i got novels mixed up and then made it sound like um i took a very important piece of work about uh pre-colonial life in the southeastern part of Nigeria. I want you to know that putting it as you delete it is so funny because now there's no chance we can't delete it. You've dug a hole for yourself that we can't get you out of. I would probably delete the moment where Nori picked up her phone and threatened to involve her managers.

I do that so often. You know, I would delete the Paul brothers. Oh. Caleb wants, well, Caleb. You want to fuck them? I would fuck one or both of them on most days now yeah i didn't want to say that but i wanted him to say it now hold on now do i like that no but we have to be realistic with ourselves if if no one was going to know about it if i saw one of them on grinder

they would know about it babe okay question which one would you pick um i don't know he doesn't remember the name but he knows which one by look i don't remember um i don't remember which one which one went into the forest of people who killed themselves i'm looking at them now which one's the fighter which one's the fighter and which one's not jake fights jake is the fighter logan logan went to the forest i would I would fuck the taller one. I would like to fuck the taller one. Which one is that? You're going to have to name names.

Yeah. I'm just looking at a picture. Hold on. Maybe I can. Is it the one with the pointier nose or no? I really can't. Which one dates Tana or like Tanja? Tana Mongeau or whatever. Yeah.

I think that is going to go ahead and be Logan Paul dates Tana I think he's more attractive I think Yeah because now when I google that it says It has Tana Mongeau's YouTube video Logan Paul ruined our relationship Tana Mongeau speaks on

Dating Logan Paul I just mean that like here's the deal do i like either of the misdemeaned beings no do i think they're interesting or funny or deserve attention no do i know myself enough to know that if a shirtless uh profile belonging to either of them hit me up on grinder and said hey come over i'm trying to hook up would i do it yeah okay i would And guess what? I'm working on that. But it is something I would probably get into.

And are we going to fall for that? For those that are curious, I do want to say I've looked up which one is taller. Caleb would sleep with Logan, Paul. Okay. You guys wouldn't sleep with either of them? No, not in a million years. But thank you for asking. Absolutely not.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with their um politics or no it has nothing to do with their personality it it is that i'm not attracted to them i love that for you there was a there was one point when a porn video was going around and people were like this is like they were saying that logan paul you remember when that when there was like a fake leaked a leaked sex tape that people were saying belonged to one of them and then it wasn't i remember that i don't think i ever saw it but i the new there was news around it i want to clarify that i also wouldn't sleep with them because of their politics and personalities i'm just saying that's not the only reason no no no you're like you if they were cuter you'd go for

it no no caleb would you do you think you'll ever have a sex tape um leak no i don't even take nudes okay well there you go so i i'm so confident i'll never have a sex tape um leak no i don't even take nudes okay well there you go so i i'm so confident i'll never have a sex tape it's absolutely boring i i i got catfished once in college and absolutely got terrified to send nudes after that so yeah i it scares me gay men are scary people on gay dating apps are scary have you ever thought about that i've sent so many nudes and i'm i'm scared now oh i'm scaring you i'm scaring you now yeah no don't be i think it's good i think it's good and most people you don't need to be scared of yeah i bet i mean well then if they leave good for you good for me yeah send them along we'll post them on instagram yeah i'll put them in the chat i'm gonna send nudes they're gonna be good enough where if they got leaked it

would be a compliment not an embarrassment you know what i mean yeah i have like the juiciest um tits and so they were just like they're good sorry wow okay we post we post nori's instagram post for the show is just like headshot and then full slides of nori's nudes yeah i posted um i posted nude on instagram but but but covered my nipples. And my boss immediately liked it. Whoa. What do you think that means? I don't know.

It means Nori's getting a raise. So exhausted. Oh, yeah. It means Nori's getting paid today. Nori, what else would you put on your records? Is there anything that we have left? I think I'm going to replace my last one with Caleb absolutely falling down during his self-tape. Okay.

And hitting his head. That is a big part of the episode now, which I actually apologize for. But, you know, my brain works how it works. Well, worked how it worked. Yeah. Used to work how it worked. Unfortunately, we don't know how it works anymore babe we're looking forward to finding out nori what do you want the aliens to take from me falling down and hurting myself during an unpaid opportunity I think aliens need to understand the nature of self-tapes and just like how insane they are like that you're just like not paid for like the amount of labor that goes into doing a successful self-tape. Just from printing it out alone.

Just the printing it out. You're printing. Yeah, I don't do that. But I love that you are. Wait, how do you memorize the sides, my babe? Computer. On my phone. Are you kidding?

You're joking. You can memorize them just off of the the screen well we read them together for a while yeah i run them with people and then i do it i shouldn't be an actor i'm not good at it i'm not i can't memorize anything not that pause no yeah the moment i read a line like i'll be running a lines with my friends and they'll be like okay the line is like the pizza place is closed and they're like go for it and i'm like mommy's dead like i don't know some i think it's because of trauma i have like too much i can't memorize like things most people print their sides most people print their sides

i think you're in very good company with that my curse is that when i help anyone with their self tapes is i get really really dedicated to the side characters that i'm reading for that's and i have no i have no i have no option to get that care that she starts doing little voices she starts creating little backstories we're we're in breaks we're in breaks and shelby's about to drag me and it's not true shelby's like shelby's in breaks between takes where someone else is taping. And Shelby's like, do you think this kid went to private school or public school that I'm reading? The one that I'm reading? Because I think-

I don't ask that because I already know. I wouldn't have started reading if I didn't already know. Okay. This is why I only tape with non-actors. Because when I tape with actors, it's geez it's like fucking like meryl streep like it's insane today the one that we read for caleb there was a point where i was playing five characters kind of talking to each other caleb actually didn't talk till the way in i'm only there to react yeah and i really had to differentiate between all five because otherwise

it's just a block of text so that was hard ultimately the casting director should hear me in that and really have some questions for themselves my dream for myself as an actor is not to get anything i actually auditioned for my dream is that someone hears me in the background of someone else's self tape and emails their manager and says do you know who helped with that tape we want her devastating and i would never tell i would be like i don't know i don't remember who helped i can't i would never put you on no i definitely would my favorite i i love nori i don't know if you get a lot of these but when when they pick for the sides when they pick a super um physically active one where you're interacting with people that aren't with you they're like he shakes her

hand he turns he touches her cheek the touch of her cheek makes him gasp and it's like so you're just like shadow boxing for 15 minutes he starts the lawnmower right it's like why is this the one right it's crazy do you do you ever use props caleb doesn't use props but he does he once did draw really really a lot on his stomach yeah i drew on it said that i thought that was fine this it said in highlighter he drew on his chest a big dick or something and i was like all right that's fine let's go but there was one a while ago that we did where i mean the entire caleb almost didn't speak in it it was truly just watching him physically like have a physical

reaction to stuff and it was like i think i got stabbed in the neck i think it ended with me getting yeah it was like and it was like okay like what do you want him to do it was like what's the point of this? I think it ended with me getting stabbed in the neck. And it was like okay. What do you want him to do? It was like six pages of me being like reacting to someone else's touch, touching them back, gasping to a ghost appears, then I get stabbed in the neck by the ghost. I mean it was so

much. And to me I'm kind of like there's got to be a different scene. There's got to be a scene where they don't just have physical touch. Nori, you have a hard out from this recording so we need to freaking get you out of here. I'm just so good. No, your manager just called me

and said Nori's texting me mad right now. You need to get her out. And you need to delete that part of the podcast. Well, actually your lawyers I think emailed about that. I checked my email during and we got emails from your lawyers. I've been texting with them i've been pretty i've been pretty present i've been texting no one i've been emailing oprah and she was to apologize yeah well to say can you help me can you help me get this and she was like first of all this is gail so fuck you and i was like

answering on oprah's phone i i was like well how am i supposed to know but yeah anyways it's fine we all make mistakes nori well nori is there anything you'd like to plug i want to plug like making mistakes and how that's okay and learning from them and learning and growing we're all growing. We're all growing. You already said the HBO thing, right? You were like, nothing's going on. We absolutely did. Say it again.

When does it come out? When does it come out? Tell the people. I would love to know. Guess who I texted today asking? My manager. No, it's supposed to come out this week, I think. And also Hot White Heist is coming out this week, which I helped write for.

And that's an Audible series starring Bowen Yang and a bunch of other beloved queer actors and shit. We love that. Love. Bowen is very beloved by the pod and so is everyone else involved, including Nori. It's a good pride. Yeah. Well, babe, thank you for being here. We simply love you and we can't wait to see you in person soon.

Thanks for having me. Y'all are incredible. Love you, girl. This you for being here. We simply love you. And we can't wait to see you in person soon. Thanks for having me. Y'all are incredible. Love you, girl. This was a good one. I liked this. Okay. That was so fake. You're like, this was the worst one.

Yeah, now I'm worried about his brain. Now I'm really worried about his brain. Yeah. That was a Hidgum Original.