Keeping Records - My Name is Mother (with Jon Gabrus)

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

Anya (who writes these episode descriptions, hello) finally gets a long awaited and much deserved apology from Shelby, in absentia. I guess I had to fly across the country to give Shelby the distance she needed to make amends. I've forgiven and I've forgotten. While I was away, Shelby and EJ decided the podcast is perfect (true) and that the funniest person in the world is Jon Gabrus (also true). He stopped by to talk about how super awkward it is to have a sleepover at someone else's house at a young age and how super awkward it is to take a poop at the airport. If you're one of our listeners located in Long Island who just got podcasts within the last 10 years, we welcome you to the show. Gabrus's Artifacts:  Big Trouble in Little China (1986 Film) The Scene From Clueless Where Cher Comes Down The Stairs in a Calvin Klein Dress (1995 Film Scene/Gabrus's Sexual Awakening) Henry Cavill Fighting In a Bathroom in Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018 Film Scene/Gabrus's Queer Sexual Awakening) The Unlicensed Ice Cream Salesmen on Long Island Beaches (People) Follow Gabrus on Twitter and Instagram and listen to him on his Headgum podcasts, High and Mighty & Corked!   Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What does it sound like?

Does it sound cool or bad? It sounds like a dog chewing on a sock. Welcome back to another episode of ASMR with Shelby and EJ. Thank you for coming. Welcome to the shop. This is one of the role plays. I did a weird, I did a mouth sound. This is one of the role plays.

Allie just threw the headphones overhead. And I want everyone to know, if someone did that to me, I was in Allie's position, I would have killed them. Yep. I would have gotten out of my chair i would have punched them so hard in the face they would have passed away because that sound would have killed me i would have been in a fit it's a fight or flight thing uh-huh and i would have had to fight yeah but ali yeah really respectfully threw her phones off and just sort of froze yeah that's the's the third option. There was fear in her eyes. I don't want to, I mean.

Fight, flight, freeze. Yeah. Fine. But all my love to you. You guys are like, where, why do you keep referencing producers that aren't Anya? Anya is still gone. Anya's still gone at a three week long bachelorette party. So, Anya, if you're listening, I can't imagine that you are.

Anya doesn't listen when it's not her job. And – I mean, yeah. Anya only listens when she's getting paid. Super random. I don't know why. But, Anya, if you are listening – Love you.

Love you, girl. We really – we hope that it's so fun out there. They don't let us leave the studio. And just know that I owe you a huge apology. It seems like they make it hot in here no matter if you're here or not. And I've blamed you for ages. And it turns out it couldn't be your fault because if it was, it would be cooler in here now. And it's hot, hot, hot still.

That was really hard for Shelby to do, but thank you. Thanks. So Anya. Don't cry. I'm trying not to. Don't. Anya, it is not your fault. And you are better at your job

than I ever knew. Because of the heat thing. I always thought the heat thing was you being bad at your job. But it turns out it's like really like just like something I don't like. Like we live in like a hot climate.

And um God. Don't cry. Like, we live in, like, a hot climate. And, um, God, um, sometimes it's hard to keep a room cold. So, thank you for everything you do. Thank you, Shelby. My phone's vibrating. Yeah. Sorry, I'm super popular. Yeah.

The phone's blowing up. No, it's Casey. He's like, stop apologizing to Anya. Yeah. She asked us to heat the room up. We're just following her orders. It's definitely not her being bad at her job. It's her being intentional.

Yeah. And honestly, it's working. I mean, the podcast is perfect. The podcast is perfect. It's the hot cast with the hot questions and the even hotter hosts. Get your hosts here. I want Sean Evans on the podcast. Hmm?

You ever watch Hot Ones? No. Oh, my God. Do you? Yeah. Casey? Yeah. Yeah, my God. Do you? Yeah. Casey? Yeah. Yeah, that show rocks.

What? Hot Ones is a YouTube. Everyone's like, we know. Hot Ones is a YouTube channel. Actually, it's on First We Feast is the channel, but it's like a sub channel. And it's just this guy, Sean Evans. Shout out, Sean. You're the king.

And he interviews people while they eat really hot wings. Oh. It's the hot show with even hotter questions. And I always like to think that we have that show except for instead of hot wings, we heat up the room. Totally. And we have no questions that is what we do yeah um and you can feel the hot room yeah the energy is like palpable hot air hot lights and a hot hot hot hot temperature yeah and a fever everyone on this

podcast has a fever that's the thing and we make sure of that. Yeah. We actually do COVID tests to make sure that they have COVID. Yeah. We're the only podcast airing right now that admittedly makes sure their guests have COVID. That was a missed opportunity. Peak COVID, there should have been a podcast that was like everyone that has COVID. Oh, my God. That would have been amazing. You would have had people understanding symptoms better. It would be like, here's what I'm feeling.

They would have had a hard time saying it, but it would have had people understanding symptoms better it would be like here's what i'm feeling they would have had a hard time saying it but it would have been it would have been saying it yeah and so i would have been like oh my god that's what it feels like right totally ali's just kind of like i don't think it would have been successful i think it would have been a stretch in 2020 or that would have been like the biggest podcast in the world yeah it's just a missed opportunity i don't want to be the host of it it would have been a stretch in 2020 where that would have been like the biggest podcast in the world. Yeah, it's just a missed opportunity. I don't want to be the host of it. It would have been really, I think, emotionally heavy. Oh, my God. It would have been really intense.

I think, yeah, peak COVID, it would have had to, you know, there would have been a rise and fall. It would be off the air by now. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, instead of. COVID still exists. We're still in the pandemic. Still in a pandemic. I mean, no one would be still in the pandemic still in a pandemic

I mean no one would be listening anymore they'd be like we get it all my friends got it we get it all of us have had it

if you haven't had it you're one in a million my girlfriend still hasn't had COVID whoa crazy I famously got it

at my dad's funeral no I got it before my dad's funeral. No, I got it before my dad's funeral. So. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Not that thing again. What's been up, Shelby? What's new? What has been literally?

I have no idea. It's been so hot. Gen hot genuinely i know that that's the joke of the podcast but outside though it's been hot outside in los angeles it has been so gross yeah i don't know if the listeners are too yeah that is free clout for the girlies keep that in and actually take it out i don't want more people using bleep that as well. And now I won't name it again so you guys won't hear as many beeps. Wait, do I know what you're talking about? There's a billboard for it, right?

I don't know if there's a billboard for it. I hope they take it down. I want few people to have it so that I have my pick of the litter. There is an application for mobile devices that allows you to swim in other people's pools for a fee. And I think it's a perfect business. Yeah. I mean, I will say back in college, I used to do that the old-fashioned way, which was just sneak into hotels and jump in the pool. Right.

So that is another way to do it, but then you're usually inside and the pool is not very nice. This is someone's gorgeous home in like the hills. Whoa. You get to live like the stars for just a couple hours for a fee. And I think that's really gorgeous. I love to do it. I did have one recently where I got there and I guess the guy also does. And you don't have to bleep this because people can use this all they want.

I hope the prices go down. Airbnb. Also had an Airbnb there. And the Airbnb guest was like, hey, do you guys mind if I swim with you? And it was like, well, kind of. But obviously we're not going to say that. So we were like, no, that's fine. And this guy just didn't. How big was the pool?

Was it like crowded or? Not that big. And also, like, it wasn't like he just like was, like got in the water and then got out. Like, or he was like engaging

in every conversation. Like, if you started a conversation with someone, it was three seconds till like Jaws music plays and he like swam up. Whoa.

I was like, and then he was like, what are you guys talking about? And you were like, what is going on with you? I mean, that's pretty intense. So he was lonely. He was lonely. Well, I just, he was traveling by himself and I, I like do honestly respect the hustle. You would see me seeing people at the pool and getting back into the room. So all my respect to someone who's willing to put themselves out there like that. That being said, absolutely do not ask me to join a swim that I had to pay for.

Yeah, yeah. Go to a public pool. Maybe he didn't realize that you were paying for it. Well, who else did he think I was is my question. Friends of the host. Oh. I don't know. Maybe.

I don't know why I'm, like, defending this guy so hard. I don't even – Yeah, it just feels, like, really personal almost. Like, you don't want me to be right. I just think I, like, want you to think for a second about this guy who is like traveling alone and like – He was so enamored with LA. As though I'm not. I love it here.

Are you enamored by LA? Am I enamored by LA? I'm charmed. Sometimes. Sometimes. In what ways? Oh. This is a positivity podcast.

It's a hot show, hot questions and hot takes on how to make your life a little bit better. This is Keeping Records. I'm charmed. I'm charmed by L.A. when I like, I mean, well, this is going to be foreshadowing for me. I like to be a part of something big. I like to feel like I'm in a place where... They're talking about the earthquake. They're talking about the impending big one.

A feeling of having a stake in something that's going to be so large it's scary. And that's the big storm that they say is coming to California. It is crazy to live in California. They keep saying something really bad will happen here and it's always a different thing. They're like, there's going to be a really big earthquake that will ruin your life. There's going to be a really big storm that's going to ruin your life. And I think there was a tornado here recently. Well, when I was starting to plan to move here with my partner, Rue, who I guess listeners should get on a first name basis

with Rue because they come up a lot. I don't think I really ever say Lindsay's name. I say my girlfriend. Her name's Lindsay. Her name's Lindsay, you guys. Call her by her name.

Call her by her name. She's more than Shelby's girlfriend. Eating a peach in front of a fireplace. Army hammer, bad guy. Yeah. Army hammer, bad.

Bad. Ooh, yeah. But peach, bad. Bad. Ooh, yeah. But Peach, good. Ooh. Demi Chalamet, we'll see. Not sure. Jury's out. I really don't know.

I can't wait to find out. I mean, something's got to give. Something's got to give. One day something will come out. Either this guy's awesome or this guy's bad. Yeah. This guy's confused. Yeah. Anyways, when I

was starting to plan to move to California, Rue kept just being like, I mean, we gotta do it soon because it's gonna be underwater. And it was like, yeah. I mean, yeah. But then it's like, why build a life there? Yeah, but then it's like, we're gonna go there with the intent of staying

for a while. Yeah, and hopefully avoiding's like we're going to go there with the intent of staying for a while. Yeah, and hopefully avoiding the bad thing. Right. When I moved here, it was sort of like this is really functionally stupid. Yeah, right. I'm going to get out there because mama needs to be in Hollywood. Mama's a movie star. Mama's a movie star. I have never been in a movie.

Doesn't matter. Not in LA. Doesn't matter. Mom as a movie star. I have never been in a movie. Doesn't matter. Not in LA. Doesn't matter. And people aren't calling. If you're a producer making a movie. Hey, Mickey Mouse. Ring, ring.

Yeah, LA's going to be part of the ocean. Sure, yeah. And then we'll all be in whatever, Montana. I don't know. That would be so nice. But then that'll heat up

and then it'll be bad again. Yeah. But that's pretty far north. I mean maybe it will stay cool. I think I read somewhere that the place that's going to be like the most protected from climate change in the U.S. for the longest is the upper peninsula of Michigan. Which is unfortunate because – As an Ohio person, it's tricky to hear I'm supposed to go to Michigan. Yeah.

But okay. Yeah. If it means I get to stay alive. Although if we all go there, I'm sure it'll stop being the most protected. Yeah. But it's supposed to be gorgeous. Pure Michigan, baby. Yeah.

I wonder if we have any Michiganian listeners. This podcast is brought to you by puremichigan.org. Michigan, the land of lakes. It's gorgeous here. It's gorgeous here. Like that. God. That's how they made me say it.

It's gorgeous. It said in the copy, Shelby, you know how to say this. Yeah. And I was like, do you? I called. I said, what way? And they were like, you know. You know the way.

And then I tried six different kinds. And then they said, you did it there, but we won't tell you which one. And then eventually. Yeah. And then they were like, do that one again, but with a smile on Michigan. Pure Michigan. Pure Michigan. Pure Michigan.

Visit here It's gonna be the time of your life girl Or boy Or boy Or neither Girl or boy Or both Or neither

However you identify Be pure Religiously In Michigan I am. You were asking what kind of stuff is on my TikTok

lately, earlier. Off camera. Yeah, it was. A lot of LTS content. Mormon. Oh. Latter-day Saints. Church of the Latter-day Saints.

Wait, actually, like Mormons making TikToks? Yeah, I saw one today that had me going. How did this get here? For those listening, Shelby scratched her head quizzically. They could hear. No dandruff.

That's a huge brag. Yeah. Well, I washed my hair with... They can't see my mouth. It's knees and toes. Okay. That's the shampoo and condition. Yeah, no, we got it.

Is it a two-in-one? What if I was like, seltzer blue? That has nothing to do with the song. No, I use two separate products. They have like a whole lot. They have so much. You can really go crazy. You can go crazy with.

I also use Sneeze and Toes. I use Sneeze and Toes body wash. Sneeze and Toes, their body wash. God damn it. Oh, no. I got one today an lds tiktok that was someone usually the ones i would get and i think this is was my gateway drug with people who'd left the mormon church uh on um rum springer nope that's all mission that's all mission uh they are different sort of the same but a lot different um but they got some stuff. But they're both different. And a lot of people left, and I was kind of like, that's crazy.

Yeah. Why are they leaving? And famously, I'm fascinated by the soaking of it all. If you know, you know. You know soaking? No. Like, body soap. No.

Soaking is how, allegedly, if you're Mormonormon you can correct me i don't care i'm sure we have a lot of mormon listeners so imagine they're like these sinners um allegedly because they can't have sex mormons unless married and to procreate um you can't have sex for pleasure i think is the rule do you know anyone you're both fact-checking fact-checking gays here are both mormon yeah um still we that's really important to us is all mormon producers so something we like has gone on a mormon thing so no but i think it's that you can't have sex for pleasure. Okay. And so instead of fucking, they soak, which is they just enter and sit. And then there's something called a jump pump.

Nope. When you're soaking. Why do they call it soaking? Because you're soaking in there. And then there's something called a jump pump where a friend, so you'd be soaking with your partner. Obviously. And this is a man and a woman just because of sort of the way that mormons are and yeah um which is straight and hetero a friend jumps on the bed to simulate penetration because then they're not actively humping like

they're not doing the thing they are victims of the thing and so it's supposed to be like a workaround see it's like to be like a workaround. See, that's kinky. It's like when Christians were like, you can fuck in the butt. That's kinky. Of course it is. They're the kinkiest people. They're the horniest people on earth.

They don't fuck. So anyway, I think that was part of what got me into LDS talk, which was that I was – You were watching videos of soaking? No, I was watching videos of people joking. Yeah, I was watching... I'm porn soaking. That's so gross. You can search

anything in the world and that's what you search. Yeah, I go porn soak. Soak. Keep it simple. I'm imagining someone being like, I want to see porn at a water park. Like, soaking porn and it's just two like people in button up shirts with ties

they probably keep their shirts on like elder weiss yeah I'm sure they do god I'm bummed out now man shit no you don't have to be this is how they're getting it like if they didn't have this they'd have nothing

yeah I'm pro jump pump even though I think it's gnarly This is how they're getting it. Like, if they didn't have this, they'd have nothing. Yeah. So I'm pro jump pump, even though I think it's gnarly. I think it's hilarious. I think it's one of the funniest things in the world. It's sweet in a way. In looking at people talking about it or joking about it, I have now entered LDS talk. Yeah. Trouble is a brewing.

Really? And today I got one. Usually the ones I get are people who left. And I'm like, that is kind of interesting. Yeah. And today I got one – usually the ones I get are people who left. And I'm like, that is kind of interesting. But today I got one of a guy who's actively still in it and was just being like, it is sometimes hard to be me, but I do still love my faith. And I was like, how did I get here? I'm not supposed to be with the people that still like the church. Was it like the kind of TikTok that you stumble upon that has like two likes?

Or was it like he had a following? Well, so the problem problem is is he's gay but he's still in the mormon church and he was his bio was something being like edgy lds and it was like he doesn't go to second hour which is i guess there's two hours of church so well we'll give him a year anyway if he's still with it i mean i guess maybe they were like this guy should leave maybe get involved like they were like you're usually watching people who left the church. Maybe get involved with this guy who should. But TikTok, I don't want to be on Mormon talk.

I want to be on fun talk. Like, this stuff's funny TikTok. Or this stuff is crazy TikTok. I love this stuff is crazy TikTok. I love this stuff is crazy TikTok. And someone's like, whoa. Sad girl swag TikTok account. Free clout for for you girly i love you girl she's just watching satisfying things and saying if it's swag or not she rocks positivity positivity podcast that's what we're all about

she anyone who puts an effort into what they're doing she's always like that's swag it's swag to try it is swag to try it is not everybody knows that everyone thinks it's it's not swag to try everyone thinks it's swag to be cavalier well it's not yeah today we have a guest that can't stop trying as hard as they can. He hosts podcasts you love. Well, one podcast you love, High and Mighty, and he's on a new podcast on HeadGum soon, Tuesdays,

named Cold Cork. Cork. That's what I said, no? I don't know how to speak. You said Big Cork or something. Called Big Cork in the Big City. No, for real. It's called Corkork in the Big City. No, for real. It's called Corked.

I think it's crime. Fake true crime. False crime about a wine place. See, if they had asked us to promote it, we would promote it. You'll find out later. No one wants me to promote this podcast. Weirdly kept it from Shelby specifically. No, I've seen posts about it.

It's a false crime story about something bad that happened at a vineyard. Ooh, that was a... That was good. If you like true crime, you might like fake crime. This is Fake Crime in the Wine Place. Listen to it wherever you listen

to your podcasts. And while you're there, listen to High and Mighty with our... Yes. Shelby's leaning so far off the chair. I don't want to be seen. Hiding from the camera that's pointed at her. Our guest today in both of those podcasts, one he hosts and one he's in. You know him.

You love him. He's the funniest guy in the world. Funniest guy in the world. Funniest guy in the world funniest guy in the world funniest guy in the world John Gabrus so I will address everyone

hear ye hear ye hear ye gather round with John Gabrus see what have we and I had no idea

what have we done to tell you and this whole podcast was like medieval we were like really serious about it you were like

hey guys we were like we were like oh no a time traveler has arrived how does someone speak this way

to me on the podcast alas we have another time traveler, young EJ. Why are we always stuck with the time travelers, I reckon? Just again. Why can't the Stanford have anyone normal? Would be really funny to prank people. The second they walk in.

You're speaking fluent Spanish. Give them a lowdown on the podcast and then give a completely different energy. Be like, oh, we're rolling? Well, welcome to the haunted mansion. That is so scary. Wait, did you just scare yourself with that voice? It's so scary. Who was that?

How did I harness her? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Whoever that was. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That was not me. That was literally not me. Run the tape back. Did I look different?

Show me. Is there something hovering over me? Be honest, Casey. Oh my god. Wait. Has anyone here seen Barbarian? Yes. Will I be too scared to watch it? No.

Okay. I've asked three people and that's been their response, but I'm scared because it's by the grudge people and the ring people. Yeah, but it's written and directed by Zack Craigor from Whitest Kids You Know. So it's a little softer than straight up grudge and all that. I was like, I don't think I can get back into like the ring era.

It's heavy on the, it's heavy on the tension has a couple of jump scares, but really is like eventually I'm without like being too spoilery. It's eventually just pretty casual and you know, a little scary, but I mean, it's unsettling. Yeah.

I stretch where it's like pretty funny. Yes. And it's got a lot of comedy in it for sure. Well, that can be huge. I think the first act is the strongest part. We'll talk about this in a spoiler rich environment. But I think the first act is pretty much the best part of the movie. And it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

When I saw The Ring, to the producer of the ring the grudge and now barbarian i saw the ring once because i had friends that are twins which is already really scary not ideal don't be twins no and fraternal maybe maybe identical though so don't be twins get the fuck out of both of you i don't know which one of you is which or one of you never be around again is that at that point I don't ever want to see both of you

at the same time switch in and out I don't care but they had a birthday party that was to go see the ring if you're twins don't be doing horror

birthday things no that's insane but they were I was very close to them still am good friends with them and was like okay i gotta

i gotta go to their birthday and it was to all go see the ring together in the movie theaters and then sleep in their basement jesus christ and they lived across the street from a cemetery what the fuck and i was like i was like i have to grin and bear it through this birthday but if i was me now i would have been like oh i don't go to that party. Yeah. I just don't attend. But my mom was like – But you didn't want to miss out on the social event of the year, the twins' haunted birthday party. Yeah. And I was like – People are going to be talking about that for months.

I was like, oh, if I don't go to this, I'm going to – like there's going to be some inside joke that I'm going to lose. Absolutely. It's like middle school. Like I'm like, this is going to ruin my life. You have no idea why people won't watch the VHS tape. I'm like, well, I have to know at least what everyone's talking about on Monday. So I like, went,

had a horrible time at the movie because I get scared pretty easily and then slept in their basement where you could hear the water pipes

of the whole house and I was like, I did not, I mean, I said slept. I sat awake while all my friends slept on the floor.

Sleeping in a stranger's house like when you're young, I mean, it's weird when you're an adult but it's when you're young, I mean, it's weird when you're an adult, but it's when you're young, it's really unsettling and like, you could be sleeping

in a bedroom in a friend's house and it's still like, what the fuck is this place? The spirit is just like their family has history. Yeah. Their closet door

looks different than mine and I'm going to have a fucking panic. There's an energy in here that I'm not familiar with. You're like, right, well, it's our energy. It's called divorce.

Yeah, my parents aren't happy anymore. We're in love in this house. Lots of tension. Lots of tension. But I just remember that night as being such a moment where I was like, everyone got to go to sleep. Everyone was fine to go to bed. And I was just sitting in my little sleeping bag just kind of like Oh, I haven't. At some point

the sun will come up. Just like twiddling your thumbs like goodnight Shelby. Goodnight. I didn't have a cell phone yet so it was literally just kind of like

Yeah, what do you even do? So you end up being scarier. If any of those kids wake up, you're scarier than the movie The Ring.

A single person wakes up. I'm sitting cross-legged in a sleeping bag in the basement in the movie The Ring. A single person wakes up, I'm sitting cross-legged in a sleeping bag in the basement in the dark, just staring. Just like begging for something to happen.

Just being like... Oh, everyone's awake and we're gonna put on cartoons? Sick, okay. Probably honestly humming to myself. Like, I don't know. No.

Probably like actually being terrified. It's like singing in her sleep. Seven, eight, better lock the gate hey shelby we know you're scared but you're fucking really twisting the knife here everyone's silently sobbing they don't even want to address me because they think something's so scary they're like oh hey like the scariest movie situation I had was seeing Blair Witch in the theater and coming outside and it being daylight when we came out of the movie and me and my then girlfriend and me feeling such an insane sense of relief that I didn't have to be outside in the dark. Yeah.

And it was so. And then I like rewatched the movie like four years later. And I was like, this affected me so much. And this is so bad. And it's not yet. Yeah. And I just, I got caught up in the marketing at the time. I was like 15 or 16 when I saw it. And it just worked on me so hard.

And then I guarantee if you rewatch The Ring now. I had to for someone else's podcast. And I was like, okay. Like I was like, I have trauma. What did it do to you? And it's honestly terribly scary you're like just kind of

hearing the story of this girl's absolute abuse I mean she was abused that's the power of the theater though really is that you're like

oh this woman being abused is an interesting tale but when you watch it at home on VHS you're like oh when I watched it young I was like

she's a problem we should put her down and in hindsight I'm like wait her parents should be murdered. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if we go back, I think almost anyone who's been, like, labeled a bad guy or a bad, specifically a bad girl in a movie needs to be analyzed as to, like, what's her context? Which is something that happens in The Barbarian, to be honest.

Oh. I had to watch the Japanese version, too. Ringu. And that one is way sadder. Oh. Yeah. I mean. The Japanese ennui is thick in that one.

Yeah. I was like, whew, okay. I mean, yeah, okay. It's one thing you gear yourself up to watch a horror movie.

You're like, I'm going to be okay. And then it's sad. And you're like, oh, fuck. No worries. I mean,

it's just tough when mental illness is stigmatized. You're like walking out a million dollar baby. Didn't even scare me at all. It's like, what? I was literally just like, God damn. I mean, we owe her like a big apology. I'm in the pool like putting hair over my face being like. And I'm like, I'm literally making fun of a girl whose mom pushed her down a well.

It's not okay. Yeah, I'm literally making fun of a girl whose mom pushed her down a well. It's not okay. Yeah. I should be. I should be canceled. Yeah. That brings us to the first thing I'll point my hand around. That's a cancellation show. A woman I met today.

I should be canceled and this should be the thing that does it. It's putting your hair over your face in the pool. It's for being goofy in the pool. To be fair. Don't be goofy in the pool. The girl with the wet hair from the ring is a state senator in Delaware now. So it's fucked up that you're talking about a politician. A female politician.

Yeah. I have no idea. I made that up. It could get me back. I was going to say it could get me back. Yeah. I have no idea. I made that up. I was going to say, it could get me back in. Yeah, I know. You're back. You're uncanceled by Bill Maher. You're like, her name is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

I'm like, wait. I just killed it. Wait a minute. I've been roasting her since I was eight. You've been roasting MTG since she was eight? You kind of like forced her into politics. I was like, oh yeah, you little loser. Why don't you do crossfit and christianity a bunch of people she was like bet yeah um that's how she talks yeah no yeah that is like when i've talked to

her like that it's how she talks yeah usually you guys don't get it she's so different in person no she's like completely different kind of funny. She's honestly funny. You said it. You said it. She is funny. Some of the things that you guys think is serious, she's just joking around. She's a goofball.

You can see how other people might say that's not funny, but if you know her, you see that she's going for the humor. You get to see her out of that character. It's kind of like a character. Yeah. It's like a gentleman. It's like a character. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like what do you guys want to work? Yeah. It's like Jesel Knight.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, what she's saying is awful. Right. But like if you know them, you know that. You're kind of like, that's what's funny. Yeah. Oh my God. She would like literally never be like, CrossFit is literally a joke to her. Yeah.

She's like doing that like as a gag. Yeah. And you guys are falling for it. And it hasn't really transformed her body Yeah. She's like doing that like as a gag. Yeah. And you guys are falling for it. transformed her body so she is still doing it. But she's like literally kidding. I mean, she's there,

she's like, LOL. Yeah, it's really funny. She's like looking in the mirror like goofing around like she's such a goof. Yeah.

Guys, that's what I wanted to talk to you today. No, for real, we did have something else to talk to you today no for real we did have something else to talk to you about today yeah seriously i know you guys were whispering right as i walked in and stopped well we were really gaining up the something to ask you um so if uh you um if you were to send something to space to tell the aliens about okay um you're talking about this is the premise of the podcast we're getting into it now yeah yeah copy that yeah killed it what would it be nice the first one

the first one oh shit and here's me remembering my list. Luckily for me, I sent it in today. Okay. First thing on the list, pieces of pop culture that I think would benefit aliens to help us understand America,

but also specifically since you're invited a narcissist on your podcast, I feel like if aliens can understand me, yeah, come on. I think it's kind of a given if you're like, hey, it pays zero dollars but you get to talk about yourself.

It's like, who the fuck do you think you're going to get on a podcast? Don't worry, the hosts are also narcissists. Great. Let's just fucking dig in. We're here to chit chat.

Yeah, we're here to tell you stories from our childhood and repackage it as content for you. I hope you don't mind. I talked to my therapist about this yesterday, unpacking it with you today. She said, probably keep that to yourself. I said, I'm going to tell thousands.

Oh, thousands. Look at us. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's whatever. Welcome. Okay, wait. I didn't realize I was playing in the big leagues. We're still in the hundos on High and Mighty but I like to consider it niche you know

it's art it's like a small business like we're corporate now I noticed we're Macy's like you're mom and pop yeah I know I signed that thing

that anything I come up with on this podcast could be a movie idea that you guys have the rights to. Yeah, once it's in the room. I mean, duh. The old Viacom laws.

You're all thought. Ever heard of it? Sorry. My first, I would say, image, but I'll blow it up a little bit bigger to a scene because it's something from my favorite movie that's been my favorite movie since I first saw it as a child. And now I'm 40 and still love it. It's Big Trouble in Little China. my favorite movie since i first saw it as a child and now i'm 40 and still love it it's big trouble in little china it's a john carpenter action movie starring kurt russell kim cattrall it's great uh great fun but there is the main villain lo pan has three sidekicks called the three storms and

each one of them has like a kind of special power one of them is like rate like a raid and rip them off another one can do like telekinesis and like move stuff with his mind and then the third one can inflate himself and that is like i guess a superpower for this guy and as a kid it was so fucking cool that like this movie that ostensibly took place in the real world had these crazy ass and then on top of it i it's such a great visual stunt and gag that then when you really like think about the movie in the long term you're like what is this guy like how often does he get to use his power especially if you see what happens in the in the big moment i was like i'm not seeing i gotta see at least what

we're talking about and it's grotesque like i mean it really is they do such a good job he like he's like and this is like the face he makes when he inflates himself yeah and everyone else is just kind of like and everyone's waiting to see what he's doing. Yeah. There's a moment where he has just like light prosthesis where you're like, oh, okay. He's like filling himself up. And as a kid, you know, you're into cartoons and video games. You're like, oh, he's going to like grow into a larger size and be more destructive.

He'll be Hulk. Yeah. And then they cut away. And then when they cut back, it's like a new prosthetic. And he is like garbage pail case. Like, huge swollen head, steam blowing out of it, his eyes are blowing out of his head. And I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, okay, maybe his power is to scare people by inflating.

He's like, you're not going to want to be around me. They cut away back to our heroes again, and then when they cut back to him, he explodes. That doesn't hurt anyone or anything. What is this fuck? This guy is like, all right, got a plan. It blew my fucking mind. It stuck with me forever. And then the still image of him.

Because if I had to choose an image for the golden record, I don't know what kind of gigabytes these golden records have. Infinite, infinite, infinite, infinite, infinite. Oh, good. But if I had to use an image, it would be just the one where they cut to in the middle where he's got steam blowing out of his nose and his head is fully inflated like Cabbage Patch style. It's just that image alone I think would help the aliens understand the shit we're into down here. It's literally like if you were in a big fight, all that super power does is distract. Yeah, it's like do your thing over there. And it's like, and everyone gets, it's kind of like, we shouldn't be doing this anymore.

Everyone's like, wait. He used it once to get out of a bear hug. Like someone grabs him from behind, he's like, and he inflates and the person just can't hold him. And you're like, okay, that is the one time. That is kind of badass. Now, and I wonder if the kid, if he used it on his parents growing up and like that prevented him from ever feeling love and then would lead to him exploding. So I wonder if this, I don't even know the names of the individual storms, but I wonder if this storm is, you know, just unpacking childhood shit. And if he is,

I hope he's figured it out by now. Yeah, he better have. I mean, he is literally in pieces. Kim Cattrall famously on the records already multiple times. Oh, really? We keep adding her for scatting.

Have you seen that video? Yes, yes. I mean, she's amazing. People keep adding her scatting and we're like, no worries. The aliens are like, we got it, we got it, we got it. So another King Control great, which is... The aliens are always like, I'm a Samantha.

Scared of it, out of it, out of it. It's like, oh, no, no, no, I think you missed crossing context. They're like, we understand a different... Yeah, they're like, we just feel each other. No, that is what she says. Oh, really? She's like, me and my husband, yeah, we just feel each other. And no, that is what she says. Oh, really? She's like, me and my husband, yeah, we just feel each other out. We just really go for it.

She's amazing. I looked at all the he-dogs and bit at all the she-dogs. Right? Yeah. Zop, Zop, Zop. Yeah. So another great. Kurt Russell is hot in this clip.

He is hot in every clip. But in this one he's – in this movie he's a hunk. There's a scene earlier in this movie where he goes undercover and he wears like glasses and slicks his hair back and that's another great Russell look. I was like, jeez, we don't – he needs to be – Brad Pitt needs to take a seat and Kurt Russell needs to be more discussed. Kurt Russell is like bringing OG male lead hair into the forefront. Yeah. The dude's got a beautiful head of hair.

They don't make movie stars like that anymore, to be honest. He looks like he could change attire and also recite poetry. You know, he's got like, now, like I was just recently watching along the same lines, the like early 2000s King Arthur

that stars Clive Owen. And I was watching Clive Owen with my wife and I'm like, God, he's so hot. But he also looks like he could be someone's dad. Like he looks like a person who could exist in society, but also happens to be a hunk. And I feel like we flipped so much where it's like, here's Chris Evans,

believe him as a human being. And he's like. Yeah, and you're like, that's not, I don't like that. You're like, that's not a person that's gorgeous and not even a bad actor but it just it almost attractive to level it affects his role in the movie i can't relate to this film yeah he's not gonna walk into a store and people are gonna act normal you know like every brad pitt movie should have a dozen scenes where people are like what the fuck are you doing yeah on a bullet train you're too pretty yeah like it should be the fuck are you doing on a bullet train? You're too pretty.

It should be like, why are you a legend of the fall? Go out there and be a model. There's scenes where they're having a hard time. It's like, that doesn't happen for you, and I know that. I know that for a fact. I know you only have it good. Because I've seen you. Things are easy for you.

I'm Margot Robbie, and I'm struggling in class. You're going to be okay for life. Your face is perfectly symmetrical. So when his cheeks first go side, and I think his name was Thunder. Is that wrong? That sounds right. I feel like that's what the clip was titled and that's why I'm sticking to that story. Okay, I believe you. Really, all I can think of was in Spy Kids,

when Floop has the little clay, he's an incredible sculptor, and he makes like one of the faces and then you later see like one of the faces he made and it has the cheeks that are like, like they go out to like here. And it's just something he made out of clay. I think our age differences are in fundamental display

at this moment. I'm like, I've never seen Big Trouble with the Chai. It's like, well, it reminded me of Spy Kids. It's like truly like a 20-year leap in movies. You've never seen Megan Trainor's husband as Butterfinger's Spy Kids. I saw Spy Kids way back in the day, but it did not stick with me. I think I was older when I saw it, so I was not thrilled. I don't really need to be watching this.

Yeah, it sort of like happened to me in Pokemon as well. Me? The sound loop is a bad one. Sorry, EJ, I know you were. That's okay. I mean, pika pika, and it's fine. I just gave EJ the meanest look I'll ever give him. Yeah, I was disgust, but I mean. Only because, so.

I literally think of Spy Kids almost constantly. And I don't even remember liking it. I just think about it all the time. I can't stop. Sure. I relate everything to Spy Kids. The thumbs. It's Alan Cumming, right?

Isn't he Floop? Yeah. No, he's Floop. Oh. He's the master of the thumbs. Oh. Yeah, duh. Fuck, now I got to pause the podcast.

I'm going to watch Spy Kids. We'll come back. Listen. It's pretty good. They've got a lot of cool inventions in there. Danny Trejo's in there, so you've got to kind of give it a star-studded. What's his name? Anthony Banderas.

Robert Rodriguez. Robert Rodriguez. Yeah, directed it too right legend uh it this is not shark boy and lava girl that's something else and that's the problem a lot of people think it is the problem like that's the biggest problem with society comes up all the time that was correct and so much of it wasn't, was that they – to make it spy had so many cool inventions in there. Yeah. And that's what I liked about it when I watched – like there was something that was just like you put a tiny little thing in the fridge and it just becomes a whole – in the microwave. Press a button and one second it's a full entire McDonald's Happy Meal. Oh, heck yeah. And that's sick.

Yeah. Especially when you're a kid. You're like that's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. It gives you that like Richie Rich and like sci-fi vibe. Because that was like a trope of movies for a while too. Where it was just like, they can do anything when you're a spy.

In the future, this cool thing can happen. When you're a spy, you can actually do almost anything. Science doesn't exist for them. Spies, they need to eat full-size Happy Meals, but they don't have the space to carry them. So we found a solve. The worst cue ever. It's like, can I have a car that's bulletproof? It's like, oh, hold on.

We have tiny little shamrock shakes. Everything can shrink or enlarge at the snap of a button. You're like, when will they need that for real? Yeah. But it comes up a lot. All the time. I also constantly am playing Floop is a Bad Man, Help Us Save Us in my head. Is that a song?

Well, yes. But kind of. Well, yes, but kind of. You know how you sound. You are immediately out of this job interview. Well, yes, but kind of is five answers. You're going to understand. That all means something different it's all gonna make

perfect sense in two seconds okay megan trainer's husband the boy the boy he was a boy in the show megan trainer's boy husband now he's got it now in spy kids he's a boy now he's an adult about them kids them kids they poop next to each other they have it's next to each other in their house i would do that same Two toilets, same bathroom. Wait, the Spy Kids? No, Meghan Trainor and her husband, who was a Spy Kid. Oh, okay, okay. Now I see what's happening.

Yeah. So what, the boy Spy Kid. Juni Cortez. Juni Cortez is his name. Would grow up to marry Meghan Trainor. Correct. But he loved this, like, children's show, Floops Castle or whatever. Floops Magic whatever.

This is the character. Yes. And the song that the Floops little character sang when played backwards went, Floops is a madman, help us, save us. And that's how they figured out he was the problem. So it was a song, but this isn't the song. It's the song played backwards. You were right.

I do totally understand it. You were wrong about the two seconds part. A little over the allotted time limit you gave yourself. Fine. Fine. Well, maybe yes, but... But kind of all true. Anyway, incredible film.

Everyone should be watching it. Yeah, you sold me. I'm going to check it out when I go home tonight. I think you would really enjoy it. I'm going to watch Little Problem in Chinatown. Leave it alone, Jake. It's a Little Problem in Chinatown. Starring Jack Nicholson and Problem Child, the red-eyed kid.

Little Problem Child in Chinatown. Here's a water shortage. I'm going to watch Chinatown's Got a Big, Big Problem with a Little, Little Kid. These are all the later sequels to Big Trouble in Little China. They have nothing to do with each other. They're like, we love the title of this one. How can we jazz it up? Mix up the words, mix up the words.

What's next on your records oh on my records next would probably be um sort of my to help uh them understand a certain genre of heterosexuality which i would like to show them my hetero inspo okay which is a moment from the film Clueless but more specifically from the trailer for Clueless which aired a shit ton around the time of me being 11 or 12. I didn't watch the movie. I watched the trailer. I wouldn't have seen the movie

because again, sexuality. Well, I saw the movie opening weekend again because of sexuality. I was there with a mixed bag of people but I was there with a lot of the mixed bag of people, but I was there for a very specific reason. And it was to see Cher come down the stairs and say, have Dan Hedaya, her father, go, and what is that you're wearing?

A dress. Says who? Calvin Klein. The way she said Calvin Klein. And I watched it again as a grown up. It's fucked up that I was that into it. Well, no, it wasn't because she was talking like the girls in your grade. She was a high school girl talking like an eighth grader.

It wasn't that fucked up because at the time, well, that was what your friends were talking about. She sounded a lot like my classmates and it on it like broke me open as a kid where i all i could think about was like the phrase calvin klein and to me at this time ck1 is like what every cute girl in my great and uh guy i guess like everybody was uh unisex everybody was wearing ck1 and so like calvin klein to me was and like calvin klein's on the underwear and back to the future you know what i mean like there's a lot like calvin klein to me felt sexy it's like sexuality yeah it's like in that way it's definitely it's like 90s sexuality me and my calvins yeah right my calvin my my cow that was was that was – was that around Mark Wahlberg's like beginning?

Yeah, he predates this a little bit, but for sure. If he predates it, then no wonder it was – because he was really selling the sex in them. Yeah, no. He activated another part of me that Alicia Silverstone would undo. But then – well, we'll get to it in my next record. Ooh, I can't wait. I'm on the edge of my seat. You said her name right.

We learned on this podcast once. Caleb really showed me up that it is alicia alicia silvers oh i had no idea i thought alicia and we really went back and forth i was so right i was gonna i was so sure i was gonna be right that it was alicia and then she literally made a tiktok account seemingly just to tell us that she pronounces her name alicia it was like the first video she posted she was was like, a lot of people think my name's Alicia. But it's Alicia. And I was like, whoa. I have to leave.

And then all of her videos after that have gotten even more hits. They're doing even better. There's a lot of traction. It's me, Alicia. Everyone's like, you dumb bitches. It's wild. I remember also after the movie came out a couple years later, there was like press around her or gossip. I was going to say gospel.

There was like celebrity gossip around her that she like didn't shave her legs or didn't wear deodorant and stuff. And this stuff was coming out. And I remember at the time being like a 13-year-old boy or 14-year-old boy and being like, no, how could she do that? And like looking back on it, it's like no one I knew was shaving their legs. But you were personally betrayed. You're like, how could you do that to me, girl? I was like, oh, man, that's so gross. That's something I think is super important right now for some reason.

You're like, ew, in that little white dress? Leg hair? No. I couldn't imagine. And now I live in Los Angeles in 2022. Oh, man. When I first moved here, I lived in North Hollywood. And there's the circus clown liquor store, which is from that.

And I was like, whoa. Whoa. That was the coolest thing about moving to Los Angeles in general was I was like, all these movies I watched growing up,

now I get them. And I moved here in like 30-something, so I should not have been that mad. I was still like, it's a magical town! Like, outside of my car, someone's like,

get in your car, you fucking asshole! Well, now it's, now people moving are also getting, because so much of it is reality TV, it's like get in your car you fucking asshole well now now people moving are also getting because so much of this reality TV it's like all

of these families are just going to the normal rush like they're just like oh that's the place I guess my brother-in-law and sister-in-law

when they visited had to hit up Pump and they came home and they were talking about everyone they saw at Pump and I didn't recognize any of the names

and I felt I was like this is Hollywood. We could aim a little fucking high. There's a lot of other celebrity restaurants. But I will not lie, it does give me a little twinkle in my eye when I drive past the Oppenheim group.

Oh my god. Do you think they're at work? Almost every time. That's what I think. It's always empty lights off. I think the only time it's full is when they film. I'm sure. I feel like they wouldn't. I don't think they sell any fucking apartments.

They can't. Well, why would you go to business on them? It's like they're selling like $900 million apartments and it's like, but also you got to go on a reality show. You don't have your privacy. Yeah. It's like, well, not only are we going to show everyone what the inside of your house looks like.

Right. We'll set you up to get robbed. We're going to watch you look at it. Yeah. It's like, well, not only are we going to show everyone what the inside of your house looks like. Right. We'll set you up to get robbed. We're going to watch you look at it. Yeah. And in this time of insane wealth inequality in America, I don't know how many billionaires need to have their unpixelated face purchasing a $900 million apartment for their teen daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And on that note, Allie is telling me

to throw it a break. So we'll listen to some ads. Promo code. Promo code. Calvin Klein. But for real though, promo code will almost always be golden. So go ahead and check. If you go to a website, try golden out. See if it works.

Seriously, guys. Welcome back. Welcome back. EJ, welcome back. Shelby, welcome back. EJ used the break, which was crazy. Yeah, I used the break. Like, I left the room and...

Just needed to take a walk. Yeah, I used the break. Like, I left the room and... Just needed to take a walk. Yeah. We saw a little... It's all steamed up about something. EJ didn't like the vibe in the room, so EJ took a little walk. I called his therapist. Yeah.

He stepped down and got on the phone. It was weirdly long, the walk. Shelby gave me that look I told you about. Yeah. She did it again yeah because I said pika pika

which was unwarranted but yes I know I shouldn't have said your therapist like what did we tell you about pika pika like I know

I know I know people don't like pika pika I don't know why I gave that look either it's like I don't I don't have like disdain for

for me no I definitely don't have disdain for you but I also don't have disdain for Pokemon. No, I definitely don't have disdain for you. But I also don't have disdain for Pokemon. It's not like I'm like, ugh, another one of those. Here, EJ goes with their Pokemon references again. Like furious. I'm like not, I don't see enough of Pokemon.

But like Pokemon Go was a moment that I guess was kind of annoying. Yeah. But in a way that I guess was kind of annoying. Yeah. But in a way that I almost think was beautiful. Oh. It was a time of community it felt like. It was literally like, I mean, this is irritating, but don't we kind of have to give it up? Yeah. It's sort of like there's so much stuff in life where it irritates me, but I'm like,

but if I don't get bothered by it, it seems to be bringing enjoyment to tens of thousands of people. But I have a huge issue. And I'm like, this sucks for me. It just brought a bunch of people to parks. Made kids go outside. I know. I would see groups of kids playing together.

And I was sort of beautiful. And I was sitting there being like, oh. Shelby's like, I guess that circle of people is probably at the gym or whatever. The Pokemon gym? Charizard's doing CrossFit with MTG.

They're really close. She's super funny around Charizard. Oh my god, they are so funny. They do crazy bits. He brings it out in her. Well, they went to college together. I had no idea. Go Bulldogs. That makes so much sense. Just because they do seem to college together. Oh my God. Yeah. I had no idea. Go Bulldogs.

That makes so much sense. Just because they do seem to have like history. Yeah, that is. That's Gonzaga. That's Georgia. What's Gonzaga? I don't know. Is Gonzaga Bulldogs?

No. What's the question? I think they're the Gonzaga white athletes. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah. That's what it was.

Yeah. I always get both those and white people confused. Man, you're telling me. I'm always like, is that a... No, it's a guy. Well, look at this cutie. Oh, a mirror. I'm walking up to a white dude set of bar being like, what's your name?

Cruiser? And they're like, Bill. You can barely breathe. Throwing beef jerky in the mirror. There you go. What a good boy. Sweetie pie. Is that a septum deviator?

Yeah. So cute. It's too hot for you outside. Gabrus, we have another question for you. Yeah. Okay. This is a big one. If you had to delete something from the record altogether.

It's gone. Oh, shit. Is this because we won't think about it? Yep. No, but I'll have it. No, you'll get something. Master improviser and I have no desire to give a shit about the ephemeralness of podcasts. So we're good.

You're welcome to give that. Check, check, check. If you were to delete something from the record altogether, it doesn't have to be the big stuff. It doesn't have to be like famine. Right. What would you delete? Delete it. Thank you.

Thank you. I just think for everyone's sake, the person trying to enter, the person trying to do whatever they're doing in there. Let's just have that moment where we don't have to gingerly feel the handle and be like, is it locked? And then it goes and then you're like, but what if they forgot to lock it? You know what I mean? Like I want fucking, it's green.

So if I open it and the person is mid wipe or whatever, I go, it was green. It was green. You did this. You did this. You. I went to the bathroom at a friend's backyard.

Like they had a bath, they had a show in their backyard. They have a bathroom that's like, I guess it just has a door from the outside, but it also connects to their house. So I was like trying to explain it. And then I was like, I guess the easiest way to say is it's a bathroom in their home that also goes to outside. But the door to the outside from the bathroom is clear. Yep. What?

Sick. It's sick. It's disgusting. Makes no sense. Hot as fuck. I'm sorry. I see the angle you guys are going for now. No, no, no.

It is hot. I'm on board. It's hot. It's hot. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's hot out. So you go to a comedy show. You watch a couple of people take pisses.

Okay. Good night. That's Los Angeles. That's Los Angeles for it. I'm here in Hollywood watching stand up comedians and tank tops

pissing in the garbage you know when you go to Hollywood you can watch almost anyone take a piss yeah you can have anything in Hollywood limitless

everything's a show in Hollywood even the way you take a dump but I even weirder was like, they had like a blind down, which correct,

they're correct to have that. That's nice, polite. But it is not fully across the window. So you can see, if you stood to the side of it, you can get, look. You want to go over.

You want to, you got one inch outside the window. You want to be cautious. I went to the bathroom and was like like being while like staring directly through to see if my eyes

met someone else's because then I'd be like you're fucked up yeah like I was waiting to catch someone because I was like I don't know

it is sort of like almost tempting to be like what's going on and then you find yourself realizing that maybe you're the culprit because you're like

staying in there extra long making loud noises being like like, someone's going to look. Those fucking freaks. Someone is going to look and pervert, bang, clang, clang, like wiggling everything. Like, all right. Flushing twice. Someone come in here. Someone, I dare you.

You're a sicko, you fucking freak. What? You were leaning out the window. I thought you were hurt. You were banging on the door. You kept asking if anyone could come in window. I thought you were hurt. You were banging on the door. You kept asking if anyone could come in there. I thought you were suffering. I thought I was a hero.

I thought the show was going to stop and honor me for walking in here. I recently had to go to the bathroom in an airport, Numero Dos. It's the place to do it. I went into the bathroom, only the handicap. Because you're going to leave the state. Yeah. I can evacuate. Evacuate my bowels and my person out of this state.

You're like, this can be a stinker. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Hey, pilot, step on it. I'll tell you, I'm not going to open the state I'm landing in. Oh, God. hey pilot step on it oh god that's always the most humbling is when you get off the plane and have to shit the airport you're like yeah i can't even make it to the hotel i gotta shit right when i land what am i it's bad enough to be on a plane now i'm oh thank god i'm landed i can get behind a line of businessmen taking fucking ipa dumps with dell laptops uh i uh i took it so there was a handicap stall immediately get the kind of like i don't want to

be the guy that's coming out of the handicap stall yeah it's it's getting to emergency status so i'm like literally say i say to the room the, that I can see no people in. Hilarious. I'm like, I'm going to just grab the handicapped stall. I'll be quick. I'm so afraid of being like, look at this monster coming out like Bigfoot or something. So I go in there and I go to shut the door and the door has no lock. But now someone's in the non-handicapped stall. I have no choice at this point. So I just close it. And I'm like, people don't go

in a closed stall. So I sit on the toilet. What happens one minute after I do not have a choice about getting up or not? The train has left the station. The train has left the station. A bunch of small trains. This is more like a chairlift.

We're changing into a chair. I started, but it... The train car was made up of various piles of reddish clay. And the shapes vary. Vary, yeah. Yeah, kind of oily. Inconsistent. We don't get into how the train...

There was an oil spill. It's a magenta oil spill. Sorry. I know, yeah. I gotta go to a magenta oil spill. Sorry. I know, yeah, I gotta go to a doctor. The door just opens to the bathroom, and a guy just walks in, and he can see, like, as he's, it's

like you come in the door and make a right, and it's five feet to the toilet, and I'm just there, and I'm like, yo! Hey, hey, hey, hey! And the guy's like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, and he backs out, and the door is open, and I'm like, and I go, could, hey, hey! And the guy's like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. And he backs out and the door is open. And I'm like, could you close the door at least, bro? And he's trying to close it without coming back into the stall. So he's got his hand on the corner and he cannot get enough of a torque to get the door to shut.

And I just go like, bro, fuck it, leave it, okay? And I'm panicking. And now I'm speed wiping with my eyes right on the door. I'm like, someone comes in here. You have to head this off at the pass. And I'm just like, and okay. Someone walking in on you in the bathroom is unflattering and disgusting for a lot of reasons. But there's just something about the position where you have like your dick tucked into the bowl.

And you're like really small and you're like not comfortable with yourself and the room is big and the room is big it's a big stall because it's a giant stall

and the toilet's just like in the corner and I'm you know I feel like it really is like being a toddler again you're just like I'm a baby

I'm like mommy they're coming in the stall looking at me and nobody come in I swear no I had such a tamer story which was literally just that once I was in the stall looking at me. Nobody come in, I swear. No. I had such a tamer story,

which was literally just that. Once I was in the stall and the person next to me sneezed and then farted with a sneeze. And I sat in there just being like, do I bless them? Or do I let them think no one heard? I think. Wait, what did you choose?

Because the fart was just as loud as the sneeze. I mean, if I heard the sneeze, I heard the fart. Right. I feel like you can heard the fart right I feel like you can say bless you I feel like farting is permitted in the bathroom

I mean I would hope so I would hope so I think you're allowed to laugh too though well have a laugh have a laugh I like when people laugh especially if someone's

going crazy on the toilet if someone's going ham and you like look at the person next to you in the urinal and you're like oh yeah as long as it's not like it's not like you're not pissed at the person you just go in there and you look at the person next to you in the urinal and you're all like, oh, yeah. As long as it's not, like, you're not pissed at the person.

You just go like, yikes. You know, like, that's fun. But if you're like, hey, you fucking pig. Like, that's rude. Well, that would be mean. This is disgusting. Yeah, right. It's like, where are you?

Hey, open the door, you fucking pig. Why the fuck are you doing that? This is the one place I can do this. Why the fuck are you doing this? What the fuck are you doing? You're shitting in the bathroom. Let's drag this motherfucker out of here. Why would you think you could do that?

It's just kind of messed up. It's like having some sense of community. Some of us are trying to eat scrambled eggs in here. What? You're fucking... I need to have my breakfast, bro. I just, there was something so honestly innocent about like a delicate sneeze followed by, like it was kind of like was something so honestly innocent about like a delicate

sneeze followed by like, it was kind of like a and then it was like and then it took me so long to decide whether or not to bless.

I mean, if you wait too long then it's weird. You're waiting outside the bathroom and she comes in and she's like, God bless you.

Are you a missionary? Well, that's the other thing. I genuinely have a hard time with bathroom etiquette it can be confusing also if there's a line and you're leaving

and someone's like sees you opening the door and comes like I'm always like should I hold the door for you to go into the stall that's crazy not the stall door

but the bathroom itself the bathroom door you hold yeah I think stall door when there's a line especially like at the airport do you know what I'm talking about and they're just like

people are already going door to door because they're like we are in an urgent moment they're also usually rushing I hate how the time

in between butt cheeks on the toilet seat in the airport is just like you get on you're like and honestly I used to hover

I used to build a net I'm gonna be I draw these toilets if you're young, and honestly, I used to hover. I used to build a net. I'm going to be, I draw these toilets. If you're young enough to still be squatting, good for you. Your glutes are strong. But you're just like, the guy comes out with his wheelie briefcase and you have to go in right after him and it's like hot. And you're like, I swear, the mask thing was a boon for us airport shitters. Like having a mask on

made public bathrooms feel much better. I didn't feel like I was in a fucking shit tornado with a guy before me. But if someone is like going toward it,

like kind of testing them around, which happens. I mean, I'm one of those people I'm not going to lie. And then I'm walking out, I'm always kind of like, after you,

like, unto you? Like, do I hold it open if i'm leaving i'm like oh please please am i the butler of the stall i'm i'm with you that made them into your mess i like i'm like so that's the that's see that's where i have the problem is like i don't know i don't necessarily need them to see my face i'm not famous but i just don't want someone to be anonymous all right like sitting across from them on the airplane later, be like, I went in there after you

and it looked like the fucking movie Seven, dude. What the hell happened in there? It was steamy. Like, I don't know why. When I went in, you come out, you're like, I was already like that when I went in there! And you're like, tears, my name's Sprintel. Okay, when people say that, has that ever happened to you?

Like, I've gone into a public restroom and someone's come out and been like, it smelled weird when I went in there. And I've been like, look, that's none of my business. That could be true. The lady got protested too much.

Literally not my business. I was talking about that at that same bathroom that had sort of an open window, open concept bathroom. Love that. It's perfect.

I was getting, I went out and I was like, because it was a window, I could hear the entire conversation that was happening outside of the bathroom when I went. And so when I came out, I, like, joined the conversation pretty immediately. You were like, actually, it's called Big Trouble in Little China.

I was like, common misconception. But someone was like, did you just come out of the bathroom talking? And I was like, I guess I did. And then I was laughing so hard about coming out and just being like, wow, whatever happened in there was really bad earlier. And just starting conversation to be like, distraction, distraction. Whatever happens in there is a mystery.

Now if you heard their whole conversation, that means they heard it all. My whole situation. Which was a delicate pee. And a couple of TikToks. A delicate pee and a couple of TikToks. TikToks? You mean TikToks?

No, listen to TikToks. I was making that up. Hey, it's me, Shelby. All right. Hey, leave a review on this podcast if you think I should start doing more. Toilet TikToks. Toilet TikToks. Content, content, content.

Hey, welcome back to Toilet Talk. I'm here on the toilet. I'm sure there's someone that they're having the amount of time i use my phone on the toilet i should start making content like i should start monetizing my absolutely yeah that's where i do my duolingo and my tick tock morningly scroll of women weightlifting on instagram the original just to get the day going. You know, that's my coffee. Not the original viral video, but pretty close to the original viral video was sitting on the toilet. Yeah. So that was the original toilet talk.

Sitting on the toilet. Do you remember that video? Yeah. It was a woman sitting on the toilet. And she was just kind of sitting on the toilet. Yeah. Sitting on the toilet. I think it was a YouTube video.

And then clicked her tongue. Like it was sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet. People went crazy for it YouTube video. And then clicked her tongue. Like it was sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet. People went crazy for it. Oh, I could see that. Millions of views. Billions even. Wow.

Does any video have billions of views on YouTube? Yeah. Which? Cat. I'm a kitty cat. And I don't sun sun sun sun sun sun. Do you remember that one? Pika pika.

Oh, God. Pika pika. I pika pika i mean it no um no i'm really getting carried away what is next on your records next on my record wait does no one know that video that i just referenced say it again the cat i'm a kitty cat sing the whole song no it's it's horrible look i don't endorse this video sing the whole song you brought it up you're a huge fan i'm a kitty cat and I don't endorse this video. Sing the whole song, you brought it up. You're a huge fan. I'm a kitty cat. And I dunce, dunce, dunce, and I dunce, dunce, dunce. It's the original YouTube animation of a cat being like, it's a picture of a cat, but they've moved his arms. Do you know what I'm talking about? No one knows it?

All right, well, I'm just going to burst into flames. I feel like my YouTube was more of that lizard that was, someone was in a closet, and he was tri tripping and they made it into a lizard. Walking around with cups. Got your cups on you. Yes, yes. Looking at the cups, drinking out of cups. Oh, balloon hands.

Mr. Balloon Hands. Mr. Balloon Hands over here drinking out of cups. Oh, walk down the Ammo walkway. Fuck you. Fuck you. And then like Dan Deacon like remixed that into a song too, I think. I really, that video was my, that was. I remember watching that.

That was my Star Wars. That was my Phantom Menace. That was my Marvel Cinematic Universe. Was Mr. Balloon Hands. He just pissed. I'm like. he just fizzed I'm like you all have to watch this like ancient

I bet you if we watch EJ's video we all die a week later it's like one of those videos that goes on the phone you will die in 10 days but it's like in a cat voice you will die in 10 weeks

oh god pika pika someone look if you You were dying to be here. Oh, God. Pika, pika. Someone look. Whoa. Whoa. He branded himself. Look at the back.

Be professional. Be professional. The show must go on. Tears in my eyes. Be professional. so on tears in my eyes be professional like when the play it's the last day of the play and it's kind of lightly referenced

in the material and like the actor is like so my fourth or so thing to put on the record uh this is also from a film and this is sort of on the uh literally the other side of the spectrum of the alicia alicia silverstone oh the descending of stairs and this is is Henry Cavill in Mission Impossible Fallout. And he looks fantastic in the movie. He makes a mustache really work.

And there's a sequence in which he has like rolled up shirt sleeves, like dress shirt sleeves. And him and Tom Cruise are fighting a dude in the bathroom. And it's a very well choreographed action sequence and they're getting their ass kicked uh but there's a sequence in which henry cavell like loads his arms now it's people have been obviously people talked about this a lot when it happened uh because it just makes no sense that his character would go like this and then be like ready to fight. But like it also makes total sense because you like shake your hands out

before you do something athletic or whatever. And it's dumb and makes no sense. But to me, it was doing something. Yeah, to me, it was doing something wildly different. I was like, I literally like, I've said this before, but after I saw Mission Impossible fall out in the theaters, I came out and was like Googling what the Q in LGBTQ meant. I was like,

I don't know if I'm fully B, but I'm definitely not fully H after watching that. I'm definitely not capital S sure. See you later, Cher. I'm here for, his name's like Lincoln Christmas or some shit in the movie too. It's so stupid

and for what purpose would that be the name Lincoln Christmas that can't be what his name is god I hope it is I hope it is someone looks it up

and is like correct Lincoln Christmas not bad right off the top of your head he is so fucking hot in that movie

he's playing like an arch villain and it's really and I'm a big fan of the Mission Impossible movies to begin with so i was like rolling in very excited yeah so it worked on levels henry cavill is fully what a comic book man is drawn to look like yeah and i think that's part of my attraction is because like the men i grew up looking at were always like bodybuilders and and comic book characters and action stars like and that's who i grew up looking at were always like bodybuilders and comic book characters and action stars.

Like, and that's who I grew up like idolizing. And then as I got to be 40 or 37 when the movie came out, I, you know, found the angle that there's something going on underneath idolization there, pal. It's not all ideas for military presses when you're watching those videos. He, like, really is just, like, a perfect specimen. Yeah.

He's kind of plain and kind of not even that great of an actor. Yeah. Yeah. And that weirdly adds to his charm. He feels like, oh, he's not the football player. He's going to be in the play this year. And it's like, oh, Christ. He has major Troy Bolton vibes.

He's got poppers tops. Don going to be in the play this year. And it's like, oh, Christ. He has major Troy Bolton vibes. Don't worry. Absolutely Troy Bolton vibes. We're all in this together. God, he dazzles. He's going to be in this play. But he's going to save this school basketball team too. He's going to win you over in Shakespeare.

And he's going to win state championships. He's going to get the funding so that we can have a K-12 program next year. Hey, Troy, you ready? That's a lot of pressure, Doc. He's like, but yeah, as long as I can get to rehearsal by five. Yeah, Henry Cavill is ultimately like, it's like if you took Hans, like you were to start a video game

and they were like, do you want to be normal or handsome? And then he is the handsome, like, bass guy. Yeah, he's like an avatar of like, oh, click handsome, click mustache, click brunette, click muscles, click British accent. Yeah, it's like,

how do you make a perfect hot guy? And then you're like, that's Henry Cavill, I guess. Yeah. But he like, really doesn't have

much of a personality, I always thought. And not a freckle. No. I mean, not a single blemish. This guy, get it with it,

he's milk skin. Milk skin. He posted a video of himself putting together a gaming computer. Oh. Like, you know, and this is, again, something from my childhood. But, like, I had a desktop computer that had, like, a see-through window that had an LCD light in there to, like, demonstrate the blinks in the fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he builds one on this video and I watched it

way too long. It's like 11 minutes long. I'm like, I've already come three times. How much longer are you going to watch this thing? I'm in my head being like, okay, high school hot quarterback also on robotics team? Yeah, well that's what I was thinking. I'm like, wait, perfect Disney Channel

movie. Ring, ring, ring, Mickey Mouse what I was thinking. I'm like, wait, perfect Disney Channel movie. Ring, ring, ring, Mickey Mouse. We have a conversation to have. I think Mickey Mouse is the CEO of Disney. Mickey Mouse, pick up my calls. I think Mickey Mouse is systematically taking down the entire entertainment industry. I'm like, ring, ring, ring, Mickey,

I got a business deal that you are not going to want to mess up. Man, though. Okay, think of this high school musical but instead this guy's building computers and he's doing that alone

it's for him he just loves it that's just who he is he just loves the stuff and we get to peek into that we get to learn about him slice of life yeah it just adds a whole

it added a I shouldn't say adds a layer. It gives Henry Cavill one layer. He's so complex. So complex. It gives him something. Yeah, it gives him something more than biceps.

Biceps. He needed something, I think. And the mustache gave him something, to be honest. Yeah. To be fair, yeah. And I also, you know, I first got a glimpse of him in Man of steel when he uh comes out of the water at as superman and like steals

like the plaid shirt off and his like he was like i feel like the first real yeah meaty superman yeah and i was and i'm like i'm here for that yeah absolutely for defined back muscles in my, in my Kal-El. For Superman. I love it. Thanks, Superman. I was going to say something that is so boring that I've decided not to say it. Oh. Oh, shit.

I can say it, but I was literally like, and now mustaches are back, huh? With that pop gun, huh? Like, what a stupid thing to say.

I was like, and now people are really loving mustaches, huh? Anyway. Yeah, nah. And this has been fashion talk. Miles Teller, right?

Miles Teller's got a mustache too. I love Miles Teller. Miles Teller is the opposite of Henry Cavill though. But sexy. Layered and has, is almost hot in spite of being kind of not hot. Right. Which. But I'm like, no, he's hot, but it's not because he's hot.

And that's speaking my language. I think he's similar to Henry Cavill, though, is I think if like you read more than, like every interview you read with them, you will hate them slightly more. Yeah. Miles Teller, every time he talks, I'm like, ooh, just act in movies. Yeah. Hey, you should play characters. Yeah.

Because you're not good at the one that you were born into. I'm not going to tell you this, but your personality is characters. Yeah. Because you're not good at the one that you were born into. I'm not going to tell you this, but your personality is bad. It's lacking. But when you play a character, you give them a special kind of charm. Give me that rooster, Mr. Teller. Let me, hit me on the downbeat. Dance on the beach. I'm not hearing you.

Dance on the beach with a mustache. Hug an idiot. Shit. Shit. Shit. DJ's disassociated. beach with a mustache hugging it in shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

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shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit Love the breaks. Go on a long contemplative walk. You're like, that's not what they're for. Come back sunburned and like red eyed. Be like, okay, I'm ready. Yeah. Okay, let's do this.

When EJ joined the podcast, it was like in his contract. I need to be able to take a couple breaks. Like long uninterrupted breaks. And no one can ask where I'm going. No breaks in the breaks. The breaks are the breaks. The breaks are the breaks. Them's the breaks them's the a them's the breaks what is next on your records i believe this uh is my um fifth one which would be oh okay this one is very personal to me i mean they all are obviously but uh this one lacks some universality that the other ones have

but i felt like this is integral because when i meet people outside of long island and tell them about this phenomena they are thrilled so i could only imagine how people from kepler 12 or whatever phenomenon. Phenomenon. Thank you. It was honestly a compulsion. I felt fucked up about how badly I had to finish it. It was like when I was possessed earlier. It was once again, I was kind of like, the demon that inside of me

loves that song. Manana. Do-do-do-do-do. Manana. Manana. Manana. Do-do-do-do-do. The exorcism of the universe just... Manana. Do-do-do-do-do.

Anyway, this phenomenon... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 11, 12 it's the Goan's Beach which is the beach I grew up going to as a kid and then I would eventually work there for 5 summers as a lifeguard?

as a lifeguard, yes I'm also a lifeguard but not for the ocean oh shit, I was a pool guard before, too. I'm disrespected countlessly by the ocean guards. Yeah, my lifeguard certification has expired. Yeah, I mean, mine is expired. Mine's not.

I was a waterfront lifeguard certified, but learned on a lake, never went to the saltwater. Oh. I worked one summer in the sound at Hexcher state park on the long island sound a couple of pool summers and then a bunch of ocean summers at the end there i did it i was on a lake that's for the big boys yeah that's for the big boys that's for like teachers firefighters and one 19 year old alcoholic the ocean no i don't go to the ocean man i go to the tiny ocean the lake i don't fuck with waves or salt okay i told you this uh but there is uh illegal ice cream salesmen there uh illegal they're like kings yeah yeah absolute heroes of the day i feel like they were a dollar when i was there too

yeah and they sold three different or like multiple different kinds of ice cream but they advertise three in a very specific way in a very specific accent and all of them did it this way so there's like 15 different white dudes in car white 50 year old men these are all this is like a mafia job yeah like i swear to god this is like a special like these guys are all like off-duty construction workers or something. They all like, this is going to pick up extra money into someone on an island, bro. Yeah, well, I can't say that today. I'm fucking selling ice cream, okay?

You can go to your own shopping mall. This is how the men sold it. Chipwich Snicker Ice Cream. Frozen fruit bar. snicker ice scream frozen fruit bah get your chip witch snicker ice scream frozen fruit

bah and those words are burned into my head from hanging out there every day of the summer to working there every day of the summer those three words and those are maybe if you went to an ice cream truck, the last

three things you would choose in an ice cream truck. Lesson piece Choco Taco because that was my go-to. Shit, dog. I like to bubble play. The pink glove with the little chewy. Yeah, I know that. The frog, of course. Anything that had multiple textures, like if it looked like

Donatello, I was in. I was an IP head. Give me a superstar wrestling bar any day of the week. Superstar wrestling bar. Undertaker, King Kong, Bundy, we got them all. Well, that would have been more fun. Yeah, they should have gotten more specific, but all they had was Chipwitch, Snicker Ice Cream,

Spongebob with the gumball eyes Chocolate eggplant You're like, wait, what? A chocolate taco Ben and Jerry's fish food Scooped out One guy In the pint, I say

Got spoons for you. Spoons. I feel like if aliens were able to listen to that, they could figure out the context from that. You know what I mean? They would get it. You know it's busy. You know it's busy. You know it's capitalism on display.

Yeah. It's small business only. Which I think they really need to get on board with before they come down. Oh, my God. I think that's going to be on board with before they come down. Oh my God. I think that's going to be the hardest thing for the aliens to wrap their heads around. They're really going to have

to get on board quick. Yeah. Because it's tough down here. So they feed themselves garbage to make money or save money? Both. And we're like both.

Both, both, both. Shut up, shut up, shut up. We know, we know, we know. Half of us know, half of the other half are winning. I'm like, listen, Lord Slime Guy or whatever, I get it. Lord Slime Dude.

I'm like, sorry, Slime Guy was your brother. You look a lot alike to me. They're like, we look completely different. This is going to sound all racist, but your entire alien species looks pretty similar to me. You're like, we all look the same. They're like, wow. Like, classic. That's what we know about you guys. Wow, wow. That says everything

we need to know. We're going back up, guys. Okay, we watched The Ring. It is scary. We're out of here. Yeah, they'll get capitalism. They'll get, first of all, Jersey. Yeah. They need to get on board with Jersey. They need to.

They need to. I hate to do this to you on your podcast, but it's Long Island. Wait, you said Jersey. A lot of people, it's the same shit, different toilet. No, they're different to me. But for some of us, it's very important. No, Long Island's different. This right here is the island, baby.

Montauk, Jones Beach, Robert Moses, Toe Bay. Hey. This is Long Beach, the State Street area. Gilgo. this is long beach the stage street area gilgo i want to um quickly uh apologize to the people listening to the podcast on the podcast that are from long island i did not mean to refer to you long islanders just got podcast this last year they're truly 25 years behind new york city and every step and if this is the first one you listen to and I fuck.

I don't know how to come back from this. Ignore that you existed in kind of a powerful way. It would be really funny to release like a no context apology. To Long Island. Like on an upcoming episode. I say something I say something about Long Island that's going to really upset you

guys. I liken you to a group of people that you would never want to be likened to. And now you have to do the same video for New Jersey. And then I go, New Jersey, listen. I get it. You're not Long Island. And I'm sorry about that. Where you guys are both completely different. Yeah. Two completely different areas that worship the beach, the Guido lifestyle, police officers, and live one hour outside of the greatest city in America and refuse to visit it.

In an effort to smooth over both parties. I'll do my impression. I'm just kidding. I'll do my impression of someone from New Jersey and then I'll do my impression of someone from Long Island. And you'll see that I understand that they're different. And so this is Chris Christie sucking off Billy Joel. Whee! That was beautiful, you guys.

Only the good die, yeah! Okay, so they'll understand. There's the Dan Aykroyd blow. The thunder. Yeah. That's what happens when he comes. Totally.

Not you. That's what happens when he comes. Totally. Okay, I guess we're just... I told you that in confidence. That's what happens when Chris Christie comes. He turns into thunder from the movie. Yeah, that.

Got it. Not you. We know what happens when you come. To EJ, if you're listening to this podcast. If. You never know. I'm really sorry that it seemed like I was talking about the way that you come. I was talking about the way that Chris Christie comes.

To Chris Christie, if you're listening to this podcast, I think I described you actually honorably. I'd like to apologize to EJ for the entire time I was on this podcast. I've been thinking about how EJ would come. And I can't seem to sort it out in my head. I was on this podcast, I had been thinking about how EJ would come. And I can't seem to sort it out in my head. And I'd like to apologize to anyone having sex at all. In the world.

Listening to this podcast. That's the thing about our podcast. It makes it onto a lot of sex playlists. It's really weird. I wish that was a thing. I wish people would send me videos of them and their partner fucking while my podcast played what's up shit heads welcome back to another oh my god he's so fucking boring i'm like yeah if I come to think of it

like Henry Cavill and Miles Teller are both attractive men yeah while 69ing I feel like he's just continuing to do this because he doesn't

want to quit podcasting they're bringing up on subtext you don't realize this one's kind of sad right god they're really earnest in bringing up on subtext you don't realize this one's kind of sad right god they're really earnest in this one

it makes me kind of uncomfortable they give up they're like we don't it doesn't feel right they don't feel happy to me

I don't think they're in it with us this is supposed to be a happy thing and it feels really sad today I don't know

what's going on they write you a message I don't know what's going on with you but I could tell when I was fucking that things aren't right with you right now yeah if you a message I don't know what's going on with you but I could tell when I was fucking that things aren't right with you right now if you guys can drop a happier episode

me and my partner are trying to actually calm every once in a while things are looking down if you can drop a happy one maybe one that is short short I want it to be short and I want it to go off live

so go quick quick quick quick get in the studio get in the stew. Get in the stew. Yeah, get back in the stew. We're always saying that to each other. Yeah.

I'm always like, gonna see you in the stew, huh? Catch me in the stew. I'll be there. Yeah. Classic stuff. Yeah, I hear ya. Casey is telling me

that we've reached our time here today. Casey's begging us to stop. We learned off camera that Shelby will react sort of like making eye contact with a trained chimpanzee if you throw a sign up. She does not know how to handle the situation in which she's been told to take a break. It kind of sends her spiraling. But then you watch her bring it all back together and pull it off. And now Casey's doing the big one. Just kind of sends her spiraling. But then you watch her bring it all back together and pull it off. And now Casey's doing the big one.

Just kind of. It was my impression of Casey just now. Yeah. It was really intense. And so what you have to know is that this has always been a problem for me. I have no time management. My body clock is wrong. Yeah.

They bought a clock. There's many podcasts that are recorded in the studio. I think the clock was bought for me. I think so too. And in that way, I've really fallen in love with knowing what time it is. It's been a crazy, messy love affair. And so then I never had to see a sign again. Huge for me, someone who can't read them.

Then the clock stopped working. So what am I to do? I'm supposed to get hand signals from Casey that say, you've gone too long. Not to mention the eyes. Yeah. I mean, he's pissed. I've never seen Casey like this. I have three texts from him.

And it says, if you can help her wrap this up, that would be ideal. It's always happening. I want you to know that this is – the listeners are like, Shelby, please. Every single time. Yeah. Shelby, Shelby, please, every single time. Yeah. Shelby, seriously. Like, we get it. The podcast is happening.

It's hard to say goodbye. I don't know. Yeah. It's never the right time. No. No. Davis, is there anything else we didn't hit on your list that you want to make sure they hear about? I think I got it all out there.

I think the aliens will be both happy and then, like any situation in which you're putting together a list, I think the aliens will both be happy and then slightly impressed by me. Yeah. Breath of Ali. Actually, this guy sounds pretty cool. He likes pussy. He likes male muscle. Pretty in touch with sexuality, by the way. The aliens are like, this is what's healthy masculinity.

Yeah. Lord Slime Dude. Ken, have you ever watched his shit, man? He's like, ah, by the way. The aliens are like, this is what's healthy masculinity. Lord Slime Dude. Ken, have you ever watched his shit, man? He's like, ah, Slime Guy. Do you have anything you want to plug? Obviously, your podcast. Obviously, my podcast, High and Mighty. Obviously, Corked every Tuesday.

That's an inside joke for HeadGumHeads is that we were forced to like promote the scripted podcast corked in like a number of different ways and the copy was like stuff like four tuesdays in a row starting on september 7th like it just like me it was like so such a weird roundabout way to promote anything that's four weeks but it's like literally no big deal but they literally didn't even ask us to promote it at all it It's weird that they didn't trust us with it or something. I was on it. I think that's part of the reason why I was asked to promote it. You don't have to.

I wasn't even asked at all. You don't have to soften the blow. It's okay. No one asked you to promote I was like, my name is Mother? That's not the name of the show. What was the stupid, how I met your mother? My name is Mother. my name is Mother? That's not the name of the show. What was the stupid, how I met your mother? I could not think of anything besides my name is Mother. My name is Mother.

They call me Mother. No one asked you to promote my name is Mother. I was like, my name is Earl. My name is Mother. It's one of those two. My name is Earl. What was the thing? There's the last man on earth, and then there's the one that's...

Last man standing's last man standing and I got them mixed up and someone kind of roasted me for that I think it's pretty simple Jeff Ross took you to fucking task he was at his girlfriend's high school graduation not funny awful person shit I have a job in real life tomorrow

oh no Daisy's going no listen to Corked it's gonna be amazing I'm so excited to promote it Corked on Tuesdays for a little bit and then obviously High and Mighty.

Go listen to them. They're on where you're listening to this. So take care. Leave us a review. Five stars only and a compliment for whoever you want. Doesn't even have to be on this podcast. Yeah. But it could be for one of us.

A compliment for someone. Spread positivity. Throw that shit around like glitter. Spread positivity by giving us five stars on our podcast. You guys are so magnanimous. Is that not positive? Spread positivity. Venmo us money.

And you can compliment whoever you want in the Venmo comment. Living with our view is free, famously. You don't even have to have Apple Music. Completely free. Words are free. Five stars on Spotify. Couldn't hurt. No.

You think words are free until you're trying to perform at a college and they're all like hey your trans humor doesn't work and it's like well you learn

words aren't free anymore man words used to be fucking free in this society man exactly and now I only make

185 grand a month on my Patreon because I'm fucking cancelled because I'm cancelled that's that's America right five grand a month on my Patreon because I'm fucking canceled. Because I'm canceled. That's America. Right?

Right. Jeez. Right? Right? I'm super confident at the end. Right? Am I right? Well, right about that. Right?

That's America, I think. From what I've gathered. Yeah. Okay, guys, if you're going to bed, I love you. Good night. Sleep well, I'm serious. If you're just waking up and it happens to be the end of the podcast, you slept through the first 59 minutes of your alarm. Had an incredible morning.

Got yourself a cup of coffee, girl. Tackle the day. You got this. The day is yours. Carpe diem. Fine, Casey. He's screaming at me. Casey has a giant cartoon scissor,

a giant prop scissor. He's going like this. Casey is pulling out things I've never even seen. He's like, fine. Casey, like, it's crazy. He just hired a flare into the air. It's going like this. Casey is pulling out things I've never even seen. He's like, signs. Casey's like, it's crazy. He just hired a flare into the air.

And I'll say it. It's confetti. The room got hot again. I'll say it. They cut the AC to get us out. They're like, always there.

All right. Cut the AC. That's the only way to tire her out. They're like, she can bug us for hours if we let her. We gotta grill her out.

We gotta smoke her out. We gotta smoke her out. We gotta smoke her out. Turn the heat up. She's almost wrapped. Turn the heat up. Okay, honestly, end your lunch quick. It's time to get back to work. Right?

Yeah. Bye. Good night. Good night. Carls and Klein. That was a HeadGum Original.