Keeping Records - Night is for the Freaks (with Samantha Irby)

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Comedian and writer Samantha Irby (Wow, No Thank You; Meaty; Shrill) creates a Golden Record full of artifacts that she hopes the aliens will find life-changing. She also expresses her thoughts on what she would do with Henry Cavill in inappropriate public settings. Sam's Artifacts Gone Girl, the book not the movie (literature) A live Tori Amos bootleg cassette (audio) Mission: Impossible - Fallout (audio-visual) Dlisted.com comment section from 2008 - (web archive) The burn of an excessively carbonated gas station fountain soda (multisensory experience) Original Voyager Artifact Navajo Night Chant (audio) "Do You Think...?" Listener Picks Lenny Kravitz accidental dick exposure (audio-visual)  Plain rice with butter (food) "Like a G6" by Far East Movement (audio) Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well nothing how are you i have two things on my mind and i want to bring them both up okay which one's first motorcyclists on the highway they're hot over party oh no they're not well some of them are hot the way they behave you're you're in wall-to-wall traffic. Uh-huh.

Exactly. And they go door-to-door. Door-to-door? Where are the walls and doors that you're seeing on the highway? What would you call the portal through which you enter a car? Enlighten me. I don't... Car door.

Hear me out. Hear me out. That's a car door for sure. Okay. But you're... Okay, I'm starting to understand what yeah to me oh she walked it back she moonwalked i'm thinking of the highway is within walls and we are talking that there's traffic from one wall to the next wall but you're saying that's also true not always there's not always walls motorcyclists You're sitting in traffic. They do that.

They're zooming in and out. They're resting on people's cars. Right. They're going too fast. They have a death wish, which is iconic. I want to ride motorcycles. What was your second thing? I've been reminded of that song.

You find out who your friends are. Somebody's going to drop everything. No one knows that song you find out who your friends are somebody's gonna drop everything no one knows that song i want to say tracy warrens and i know that's wrong who the fuck is tracy bird country singer who's that tracy adkins no tim mcgraw features on it uh oh my god this is the monster of country it's like a big deal in country music. This is Kanye's monster of country. Somebody's gonna drop everything. They do a verse on it, these people? Yeah, they are on it.

That's crazy. What's up with you? We gotta get our guest in here, so you gotta tell me what's up with you. Oh, I overcooked a sweet potato. I actually saw that happen. That was really sad. Yeah, it was like really, really neon orange. And that only happens when like you've really kind of overdone it.

It looked bad. Yeah. I mean, you don't like sweet potatoes. It tasted good. You're in a unique position where you don't like the food that I made. Everybody, we are so excited. We have a really iconic guest today. Wow.

You know her from... Many books. So many books. Meaty. We will never meet iconic guest today. Wow. You know her from... Many books. So many books. Meaty. We Will Never Meet in Real Life. Wow, no thank you. Yes, that was the second one. Meaty and then...

Wow, no thank you is the recent one. Dummy. No. Yes. So we'll let her talk about that. You also know her from Writing on Shrill. Please welcome Samantha Irby. Hi. Sam. I am Samantha Irby. Hi.

I am so happy to be here. Sam, tell him I'm right. What is the order of your books? Meaty. Yes. Then We're Never Meeting in Real Life. Oh, no. Thank you.

Then Wow, No, Thank You. Thank you. Shelby wins. Why is it so mixed up? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It's totally okay. You're so mad. Sam is completely red and shaking with anger right now. I really am like furious. I thought this was the kind of podcast where like you did research beforehand. So I guess we're all learning something. I did. I did. Guess we're all learning something. I did. I did the research.

I was under the impression that I was doing this podcast with someone who was kind of meeting me in the same place. I bring energy. I bring books. You do. I bring a lot. It's a podcast, babe. We don't need books. Sam.

In our very first episode, we talked about an episode of Shrill that you wrote with Holmes. We talked about the pool party episode. It was, I don't want to sound too fruity and nostalgic about it, but it was true. Going, watching that be filmed. The writing, I mean, you guys know, like, the writing of it was just, like, panicked, crying, wrote it the night before I was supposed to turn it in. Kind of, like, that was horrible. But then, like, going and watching it be shot with all those, like, hot fat bitches in bikinis was really great. Like, really great. Yeah.

And it turned out so iconic. It turned out so iconic that Holmes is adding it to their records. Oh, my God. Did you see me in the episode? That's the real... Easter egg. Where were you? I'm at the pool party.

Sam. I didn't see you. So now... I'm pissed. I'm not going to tell you where. I didn't see you. So now. I'm pissed. I'm not going to tell you where. No, we're going to rewatch it. Your homework is to watch it and watch the party closely. And I'm with Lindy.

Lindy and I are together. Lindy West. We're going to rewatch and we're going to go nuts in our house. We're going to throw our popcorn bowls in the air. We're going frame by frame until we find you. Please do kick a hole through your TV when you see me. We're downloading. We're bootlegging it.

Then going frame by frame through and making sure. We're going to screenshot each one and then just kind of put together a book. Okay. And we're going to release that book. Put my name on the cover. And we're going gonna release that book put my name on the cover and we're gonna release that book and it's gonna and it's gonna it's gonna bump you on the ratings of books we're gonna skyrocket i mean honestly anything could bump me like but i'm i hovered near the bottom uh but

i'm looking forward to reading it i'll be your first customer then i'll have you guys on my podcast which i don't i don't have i don't have a podcast you will as soon as you do we'll be your first guest as soon as you do you sam if i could make a podcast for you right now it would be sam irby cancels america and you just have on a bunch of guests and you get them canceled. That would be cool. Yeah, I feel like, I mean, I'm getting old and so I feel like

I'm at the point in life where I say a lot of shit and I hear it come out and I'm like ooh. Good thing I didn't say that to a young person. I'd be fucked. So you just put me and another, like, elder millennial or, like, baby Gen X. I mean, I'm about to be 41.

I don't really have a generation. But if you put me and another old bitch in a room, we'll both be canceled within minutes. Perfect. We're going to start our hunt for who that old bitch is. And we will put you guys in touch. Can you also, like, produce it and set it up? I don't have any of those skills. You know what?

I can hit whatever button on GarageBand that you need me to. And then in terms of sound quality, I will figure out. I want it to sound like we recorded it in a moving car with the windows down. Oh, Sam, I'm so good at that. That's actually, that's something that I'm really familiar with. It's something that I can make happen almost without a problem. Do you guys, have you ever listened to Melissa Broder's podcast? It's called Eating Alone in My Car.

No. And, like, you don't have to listen to it. You could. But, like, just the premise, when I saw it, I was, like, so mad that that wasn't me. That I didn't, like, think of that. Because that is the perfect podcast that is so good eating alone in my car she'll be like yeah i'm having a gas station nachos and then talk about whatever for 20 minutes it's amazing i love that because it really incentivizes eating alone in

your car like you'd be like this is business business. I have to record an episode of Five. I have to eat alone in the car. I'm writing this off. I'm writing off the gas, the nachos, the whole thing. The calories. Yeah, wait. Do you think you can write all of that off? And you're like, this is a business expense? Yeah.

According to the accountant I had to get, because... Okay, brag. The IRS came and knocked on the door. I had to. Knocked on your physical door or just kind of gave you a phone call? No, they send letters only. That's like the IRS thing.

So like our sweet mailman. Okay, brag, I've never been addressed by them, so I wouldn't know. Oh, that's what they do? I have no concept. Good. Next. So our like sweet, like hippieman, like, knocked on the door.

It was the middle of winter. And he was like, hey, Sam. And I was like, uh-oh. I'm thinking, like, he's got my Sephora box. And he was like, I need you to sign for this thick envelope from the IRS. You've been served. Yeah, you've been served. He said you've been served.

But unlike Omarion, he did not, like, you know, dance for me. I was hoping you were going to reference the film and you didn't disappoint. Oh, I saw it opening night in the theater with a bunch of teens. I think I was the only adult. And like, they were all like, and I was like, I love Omarion. And you were like, i will dance you out of this i was like you want to step to me and they were like yeah grandma and i was like just kidding just kidding just let me sit in the uh handicapped seat and i'll leave you they were like actually

that's where i was about to make out what the fuck fuck? But the IRS letter was, it was very nice. They're very nice. It's always like, hey, we think you forgot to pay some taxes. We think you overlooked $10,000 or whatever. And so then I got on a payment plan. I just finished paying off the IRS, actually. I feel very proud. Congratulations. Okay, thank feel very proud. Congratulations. Okay, thank you.

Fireworks, fireworks. Confetti, confetti. How do you? We didn't do the research on the IRS stuff or we would have come prepared with confetti and stuff. It's okay. The confetti is getting the email that was like, you're paid off.

See you next year. Don't want it to happen again. They should do that in a fun way. They should have that email be with, you know, like on iPhones, how you could send with like lasers and stuff. Yeah. Their emails for when you get paid off should have like fun lasers and stuff. I want some IRS lasers. I deserve it.

That would be so cool. Sam. I deserve it. We brought you here for a reason. We want to ask you. Yes? If you were creating your own golden records for space, what are you putting on it?

The first thing I'm putting on it is the book Gone Girl. Here we go. The book, not the movie. So I loved the movie, but despite the fact that I think that it was horribly miscast i don't think that she was the right amy and like ben affleck was all right but it it could have been it could have been somebody else it's not who i pictured when i was reading it if you could cast it yourself who are you who are you putting in okay so i would i love this question patrick wilson yes would be the dude

right because he's like good looking but like that kind of sociopathic good looking where you're like is he will he chop me into a million pieces and like the answer is yes yeah you meet patrick wilson at a bar and you're like i he's either cool and nice and a good guy who cleans himself well or he's american psycho yeah yeah i gotta ask sam have you seen i don't did I watch it with you? The Patrick Wilson, Kerry Washington, and Samuel L. Jackson movie, Lakeview Terrace. You know I did where Samuel L. Jackson was the neighbor. Yeah, he's a cop. Who hated interracial.

Okay, I have the theory that, so Samuel L. Jackson in Lakeview Terrace plays a cop who hates interracial couples. The flip side of that, the exact opposite of it tonally, is that rom-com Guess Who? With Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher. Oh, I never watched that. But yes, I can see those being like inverse versions of each other. He also hates his daughter being in an interracial couple, but it's just like goofy instead of like he has a gun. And then just to bring it back, who's playing Amy? Who's playing opposite Patrick Wilson? This is harder, but I, you know how like Reese Witherspoon has that like, remember like election where you're like, she's cute, but I'm scared of her.

Like she is very good at that. I feel like she would be a good Amy. She has to have like a bouncy blonde ponytail. That's what she has in the book. You want to give Reese Witherspoon more work right now? Nobody's working as much as Reese Witherspoonpoon i know she's in i mean but technically this is like eight years ago well but if we're casting it right now we're casting it right now who but who else is like i'm open to it being reese but didn't she get like three eminems this year yeah let me she

has a million kids she she needs the money yeah one of them's really little too but other ones are old and that just has me a little confused because i don't know how she's still doing that how do you have a kid that's like in college and you're managing that vibe plus a an infant who you're like making things out of pipe cleaners with oh you have a lot of help okay so i have a sister who is my sisters are 20 17 and 15 years older than i am okay a baby you're the baby i am the babiest baby like i have every baby tendency times a million because the age difference was so huge but my mom basically

was like black Reese Witherspoon except poor and sick she I mean basically she just didn't sleep right like she had a baby she was a nurse and like my 20 year old sister wasn't like like, helping.

She was like, I want to fuck guys and get drunk. And my mom's like, oh, okay. Okay. You got to respect it. Yeah. Your sister's on it. She's like, cool, cool. You do that and I'll have this baby.

So, I mean, you know, I feel like. And also, I mean, the answer is that Reese has like nannies. Right. There we go. Exactly. Which is why her kids will not grow up to be like comedy writers. Because they're well adjusted and cared for. I don't know. One of them's presently a music producer. And one's a model. So they're vibing. they're out here vibing yeah they're having the life that

we deserve the three of us sam let me put this back to you yes casting amy i i think this is a similar vibe to what you're talking about what about christina applegate oh yes What if you're right? Dead to me. Oh, no. Dead to me is so good. It's so good. Oh, yeah. She would be perfect. She has that scary thing behind her eyes. Uh-huh. You know who else I think would be good?

Margot Robey. Oh. She's beautiful. I was going to say, she's really hot. Almost too hot for Amy. But she's so beautiful, but I could see her having like a dark, sadistic interior. Well, yeah. Wasn't she in I, Tonya?

Wasn't that her whole vibe? She also was like a little crazy. That's the story of Tonya Harding. I think she's like a really good actress. I really like her. Do you think the listeners will be weird about how I just pronounced Tanya? I was wondering why you said Tanya. Because it's spelled that way.

Sure. And I'm just wondering if you guys think people are going to be mean to me about it online. Yes. Yeah, and I hope so. Because I chose not to dive into it. But I was like, I hope the listeners get her on this. I Tanya, I said. And I heard it.

And you guys heard it. The listeners will have heard it. I just want want that i want to make a plea out sam are you feeling unsafe around shelby because i am the tanya harding stands are coming for us all we're all done if they have something to say about it okay so the book gone girl yeah okay i i read a lot of thrillers i feel like people always shit on thrillers but the only kind of books i can read i mean truly i need a reason to turn the page right like as somebody who writes books that should be used as compost i will say that thrillers they're they have they get such a bad, like, it's all anybody really actually reads. So it was, there's a twist, and I truly was, like, shocked by the twist.

I gotta say, I'm a person who never sees the twist coming. I saw the sixth sense, and at the end was like, oh, shit, our house phone is ringing. Sorry to be doing this podcast from the year 1998. Yeah, whoa. But, like, the twist happened and I was just like, oh, my God. Like, it got me. And I feel like I can never and you can never have that moment again. When I saw the sixth sense at the end, I was like the one person in the theater who didn't know he was dead.

Oh, my God. Spoiler. Just kidding. I was like, oh my God. And the people around me were like, shut up, stupid. So gone, girl. I had that same experience when the twist happened. And I feel like it still means a lot to me.

No book has shocked me as much since then. So you want aliens to experience the like raw yeah i want aliens to feel the i'm gonna say it in like a book blurb way like the pulse pounding reveal do you want how many copies are you sending out like are they all sharing one copy are they well i mean she sold a lot so we don't really need to like bump her sales i'll send my copy cool cool cool jillian flynn if you're listening sorry girly it's over sorry we are getting one we're we're scanning the pages of a book we already bought i I'm emailing them my Kindle version. I'm sending them a PDF.

You know when there were teachers, and this was actually dope, because it was like so that people didn't have to buy the textbook, but where they would just like scan the pages you needed. You could barely read. You were like, you did a bad job. Like this is nice and thank you. Thanks for saving me the money but but this doesn't cut it i don't know what i'm looking at the page numbers are confusing

i appreciate you but ultimately you've hurt me in another way sam i have seen the movie gone girl i have not read the book that's how i choose to live my life i'm wondering something that sticks out to me from the movie is obviously i'm not unique in this way the cool girl monologue was this in the book did it hit as hard yes it's in the book and it happens right after the twist so first you're like shocked and then you're like, oh, wow. And then she does the cool girl rant and you're like waving your, you know, lesbo fist in the air like, go girl, go on girl. Go girl, get gone. Get gone girl.

Get gone girl. Like she's really spinning some truths yeah well so are you what do you want the aliens to take away like are they on her side are they on his side are they on no one's side every man for themselves well here's where i get my feminism card taken away i was on his side when i read the book well he ultimately didn't do anything psychotic right and she in a big way did now um and and take away what she did to him which is truly i mean unwell weird psycho psycho psycho crazy crazy but also what she does to in the movie neil patrick harris i forget his name oh yeah what is his name is that his name why did i think that no but it doesn't matter he has a weird name in it can we agree to that yes i'm gonna google it you know what i you know

what i think about when i think about him in the book um when she goes to his house like she described his mother is there he's not in the movie and she describes her as smelling like intensely vaginal. And I had to like think about what that, like what is that smell? And I couldn't. It depends if she's healthy or not. Well, yeah. I'm like, is it a yeasty? Yeah.

What is it? Kind of like a Subway. What's the smell? Subway after they bake the bread. Because if she's healthy, a deeply vaginal smell is really subtle. Yeah. I'm like, is it fishy? So I was like obsessed with what the mom must smell like.

His name was Desi. Desi. Which isn't actually a weird name, but it is weird for a white guy that looks like Neil Patrick Harris. Yes. Can I tell you guys something yes when sam when you said deeply vaginal here's this is what my gay brain came up with you said deeply vaginal smell and here's where i was taken when i said subway the subway not the restaurant not bread not. Not bread. The nasty, rat-infested, flooded subway of New York City was his first. That was the second thought.

The first thought, actually, which I haven't said until just now, this is a big reveal, is I moved into a fraternity house my sophomore year of college. Oh, my God. And when my mom moved me in, we smelled something so rancid. And we went to the kitchen to find it and we realized the guys from the previous semester had left the leftover fish from the fish fry in the bottom of the refrigerator for about two months and it was rotting so bad and to caleb that's a deeply vaginal vaginal smell caleb hates women i mean Is that anti-women? Is that anti-people with vaginas?

Really? I would say. Culturally, though, haven't we sort of just, like, the insult is that, you know, you smell like fish. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Sam. And I'm a product of the culture. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying culturally

that's what you've been taught. Culturally, the insult is you smell like fish. Yes. Than to say deeply vaginal is inherently fish is an insult to women by that logic. Yes. Yes. I love women. By the transitive properties.

I love women and I don't know how vaginas smell anymore. I knew for like two years. Now that's what i want to talk about oh and caleb was straight from 2011 to 2013 ish anyway sam we have talked so long about Gone Girl. We want to know what else you'd put on there. Okay. I would. Here's where I get my feminist lesbian card back.

I would put on there a Tori Amos live bootleg cassette. Do you youngsters even know what a cassette is? Yes, I know what a cassette is. I'm just kidding. I know. I almost just swallowed my tongue. Yeah, Sam, we've been to the history museum. We've been to museums, babe. We're cultured, babe.

Oh, you guys are the best. Because I want to send that because I want the aliens to know lesbian pain and deep feelings. And I feel like when I was in high school, there was definitely like an underground like i mean somebody listening to this is going to be like oh my god all her friends are white but uh and for them listening is that true a lot of them um especially in high school but uh i like my friends and i used to, like, pass around. I had never been to a Tori Amos concert or any concert, really, in high school. But people would get, like, would hand out recordings from her shows.

And I was a huge fan. And so it, like, imprinted her, like, her first album, Little Earthquakes, like imprinted on me. And to hear her live, I have since seen her live and she, you know, she humps the piano bench. Big time. And like does all sorts of like nonsense. I'm obsessed with her. I feel like the aliens need to know. So it's actually her second album because she was in the band.

Why can't she was the front woman for why can't Tori read? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The first album was why can't Tori read by why can't Tori read in 1988? It really tackles a lot of important cultural issues in that album. Like, you know, why can't Tori Read in 1988? It really tackles a lot of important cultural issues in that album. Like, you know, why can't Tori read? And why can't they spell, why can't Tori read? I know it was just a Y, right?

Yeah, it's Y and then can't with a K. Oh, God. And then Tori read is spelled correct. Tori's name is spelled right and read is spelled. Imagine if she had just like stayed with that band. We'd never have heard of her. Yeah, because that I mean, nobody listening has heard of Why Can't Tori Reed. No.

Tori Reed. More like Tara Reed. Now we've heard of Tara Reed. Come on. Now we've heard of Tara Reed. That's a sexy piece. Now we've heard of Debra Reed Sam I'm so sorry that we did that

look I listened okay Tori Amos live at Spotify I think it's like 2014 the interviewer says to her you know she does what she does she says like my voice no no no or whatever and then she sings and then the interviewer says what you were one my voice or whatever. And then she sings. And then the interviewer says,

you were one of the, you know how she like, she's like when she sings, she's real. Like, she's real. Like, she,

she, her voice goes a little. Oh yeah. She does do that. Maybe talk contorts and like, okay. Yeah. It's like what you think a fairy talks like,

you know, she, she said, she were, she said, I feel like when I'm performing, I'm a witch and a mermaid or something like that. She was like, she feels very haunted by it. And to her, witches and mermaids are constantly having sex with benches. Always. Almost explicitly.

It's the only way they can orgasm. Yeah, is with a bench. But my real point was, the interviewer said and i don't know okay he said like tori you were one of the first people to stream your a single from your album online for anyone to listen to before the album came out do we know this that's crazy i didn't she was one of the first people to stream stream openly on the internet a single from the album before the album came out for people to listen to. Isn't that crazy? And now Charlie Puth is putting clips on TikTok.

And he is hot. He is very hot. My God. He could get it anyway. I'm into Charlie Puth too, but I thought Caleb was explicitly not. Whoa. I don't know why i thought that i think it's because once i told you that i consider him and sean mendez to be in competition

with one another and at no for no reason i think that but i do think that in my heart and you got angry about it well sam i'll bring you in on this here's my thoughts i don't think they're like Charlie Puth is sexy and Shawn Mendes. He I don't feel like sex energy from him. This is so gross. I'm like somebody's mom talking about a sexy baby. I'll say this. Both of them could get it from me if they wanted it. They both could.

But Charlie Puth is like. Neither of them do. I think both of them secretly would like secretly or otherwise would like to be fucking men but if they were to come to me and say please please i beg both of them would get a yes for me charlie pooth is like funny q in on the joke sexy sean mendez is like vapid like like spacey like i don know. He's just always walking around with his arms open. Like, he's just like a strange. Shawn Mendes is not present mentally. Mm-hmm.

And that's hot in some ways. Anyway. Oh. I love a himbo. Sam. Sam, tell us, who are your celebrity crushes across the board? Oh, my God. Well, okay.

Well, one of them we're going to talk about. Okay. Okay, that's huge. So save that. Yeah, I'll save that one. My biggest, well, I have so many. I love Forrest Whitaker. Yes.

Let me explain. He's like, I think he's cute, but he also is just like so gentle and nice, and I really love that. Who else do I love? I mean, I'm going to tell you all my gross ones. I fucking love like Tommy Lee Jones. No. I like a grizzled. My mom's a big Tommy Lee Jones head.

I'm your mom. I love a grizzled. I love a grizzled old white man. He's he's the king of the grizzled. What about Dwight Yoakam? My mom's a big Dwight Yoakam head, too. No. She's going to listen to this and she's going to be she's going to call me and be like, I think he is.

You didn't know him when he was hot Speaking of Gone Girl I do like Ben Affleck There it is It's a bummer but ultimately we still like you Why? We got her I don't know

We got to see Mervy He loves coffee That's true He looks really good with a beard He's always carrying too many things. Yeah, I love I love a pack mule. I don't ever want to carry anything. So if I see a man carrying shit, I'm like, Oh, somebody I could offload. Do you know the the Shel Silverstein book where the guy's carrying all the books and it's like in an S shape and they're walking. That's Ben Affleck going to the grocery store.

That's Ben Affleck going to the bathroom. I love him. That's Ben Affleck going from the living room to the bedroom. I love him. You know who I really fucking love? Jude Law. We do not talk enough about how hot Jude Law is. I'm getting horny.

Excuse me? It's still his moment. I'm not saying. No no no no no no no you're misunderstanding me you're misunderstanding me i misrepresented what i meant i was saying culturally we gave him his due and then we stopped it's not that he stopped earning it it's that we stopped giving it but we did give it to him for a minute yeah yeah we did we really did for a second it was like jude law jude law jude law And then he did that thing with like a nanny or something. Didn't he cheat?

And we were all like, come on, Jude. Oh, yes. He got with the nanny. Cool if you're the nanny, though. Yeah. Oh, my. Seriously. Oh, my God.

Did you guys watch that Tiger Woods documentary? No. I'm still team Ewan, Ellen. Yeah. So so me too. Although I feel bad for him. When you see like the backstory, it's kind of sad. But she was just like

his rich friend's nanny. And I'm like such a piece of shit. Like they were talking about how he just saw her and was like, I want to be with her. And the first thing I thought was, she's so lucky. Like, imagine you're watching somebody's, like, badass kids

and then the, like, most popular and richest athlete is like, hey, you, let me buy you a mansion. That's incredible. That is incredible. And then she chased him with golf clubs. Yeah. Because he got high and was fucking everybody. I have a Tori Amos comment question. Comment question.

Yes. Did you know I was, you know, doing some research as I've claimed to do. And there was a WWE fighter. No. Mick Mankind Foley who says that Winter from Little Earthquakes, the song Winter, was the song that moves him like no other. And that preparing for a match in Japan, that's the song he listened to.

And looking back, that's probably the performance he's most proud of. And he gives it up for the song. And now he volunteers with Rain consistently because it's a charity she's involved with. He has dedicated his life to Tori Amos because his best fight was after he listened to Winter by Tori Amos. That's the greatest story I've ever heard. And I believe him. I believe him. You got to know, too, for anyone who doesn't know Mick Foley, Mick Foley, Mankind, Doobie Man, whatever.

He's the kind of wrestler that doesn't just go out and, like, wrestle normal. He, like, falls on a bed of tacks. He, like, throws himself off a 50-foot cage. Yeah. And he's listening to Tori Amos before. Yeah. But you can tell he has, like, a sweet soul. Well, he said perhaps it would have been a great match without Winter,

but I doubt I'd still be thinking about it 15 years later. Oh, my God. It's the most romantic, like, it's a wrestling. Add him to my crush list. Remember when he used to walk around with the sock on his hand? And have the sock do interviews?

Sam, before we get to the rest of your album and the rest of the episode, we do need to take a break. Welcome back. Welcome back. If I was was a dog i would say welcome okay no i can't get into a dog impression it'll be too good we need to we need to sam we need to talk to you about something.

One of the things they included on the original Golden Records is called Navajo Night Chant. Okay. Okay. Wow. I will say this. If there's a star of the Navajo night chant,

it's drum guy. It's the drums. Drum guy was going fucking off. He said, I hope the vocalist is not listening. You're about to get an angry email and a one-star rating from the head of the navajo choir from a navajo vocalist i liked it what did you guys think banger or no i think it's a banger but i don't know if it's meant to be so i feel like i don't know if i can say that

yeah like what if it's a religious thing and, calling it a banger is the worst thing you can say? I hope that's not the case. I'm so nervous to say something culturally inappropriate. Well, here's what I'll say. So, you're the aliens. They don't know culturally what's up. This is just people of Earth. So, we are all, to them,

one big culture, which is actually gorgeous. Oh, then I would say yes. If aliens understand what a banger is, which is actually gorgeous. Oh, then I would say yes. If aliens understand what a banger is, that is one. Well, we're going to make sure they do. One of the items included on the original record, Sent Into Space, is a track called Night Chant by the Navajo Indians, and it was recorded by Willard Rhodes.

As it turns out, it is a religious song. The Navajo Night Chant religious ceremony is performed in the late fall or winter. It's a healing ceremony to heal the presumed sick. It involves masks, a sacred bundle, and sand paintings. It also involves heat. Extreme heat. Some just covered in blankets. Others sat on the coals of what was once a fire and then covered in blankets. This is to sweat out whatever illness they had. The Navajo Night Chant is a nine-night ceremony that is believed to date from around 1000 BCE. What you just heard is the first of all of the chants for this specific ceremony. The Night Chant is supervised by medicine men, and it is their job to insist that every single

thing be done the exact same way each time the ceremony is performed. Every line in the sand painting, every verse of every song, and so forth. In the night chant, you'll hear yay or yay. These are the spirit deities of the Navajo people. It translates to God or genius. The Navajo night chant is considered to be one of the most sacred of all Navajo ceremonies. It's one of the most difficult and demanding to learn because it involves the memorization of hundreds of songs, dozens of prayers, and several very complicated sand paintings. While the song is religious, we continue to contend it is still a banger. Religious songs, it has been said, can sometimes still be considered bangers.

To me, some bangers bang so hard that they become religious. Look, I will say this. At first listen, no disrespect intended to anybody. It's a banger. It's a banger to me for now. I'll change my mind later if I turn out to be wrong.

But for now, it bangs. And if it came on in the club, I would shake my ass. Well, I'll say this. Here's the thing. I do think it's going to end up being okay when we do our research. Why do I think that?

Because they have so many different chants on the records that are like war chant. And this one just night they're pretty descriptive in their titles and they're usually like what it's for and if this is just for the night the night is for the freaks we're here to come and have a good yes okay i'm with it night is for the freaks universally kesha said that i think if you're not a freak and it's dark out you better stay the fuck home across cultures across history when it's daylight out you can wear your suit and tie when it's night out the freaks get to party uh there's a place downtown where the freaks don't come that's kesha kesha what is how's the rest of it go sam do you know this song no i, I don't know much Kesha. It's a dirty free-for-all.

Come on, turn me on. Mike, replace me with Kesha. Sam said she doesn't know much Kesha, so I don't know much Kesha. I don't know much Kesha. I'll say it. I do, and I'm proud of it. It's not intentional. There's too much shit to keep up with yes

yeah listen i can't i'm a kesha fan i hope she's listening if she is i've been to three of your concerts that's devotion i've seen gaga twice i've seen gaga and be Beyonce a few times. I don't like concerts. You know who I've seen the most? Madonna. Madonna. I once went to a Pussycat Dolls concert and I... It gets worse. You think it's bad? Were the tickets free? Yes.

But it does get worse. And you guys aren't, I think, ready thinking that it could get worse. But I sat two rows behind my mom and her friends. Okay. At a Pussycat Dolls concert, which is a strip show, really. And then six rows in front of my dad, who was on a date with a woman who was previously my babysitter. Oh, man. So that was my experience at the Pussycat Dolls concert.

And I watched them be naked. If you turned that concept in at a writing job for a TV show, they would say, Yeah, they would say it's too much. It's unbelievable. That it's real. I was with like four friends too. And they were kind of like,

Are you... Do you want to stay? And I was like, Yeah. I like what's up. i love what's going on my mom's gonna hear this she listens to the podcast she's gonna say sam look we're not here to talk about us we're here to talk about what else you would put on your records what's lucky number three a dvd of mission impossible fallout wow here we go tell us about it tell us what for someone who hasn't seen it tell us what it's about um it's about the greatest movie star of my generation tom cruise she's taking stances this is her time this is who

she was gonna say was her crush that we were going to talk about. Oh, my God. I love him so much. Here's, like, we don't have to get into the Scientology of it all. I think we do. Frankly, I don't understand it. I don't think we can. I don't understand what it is.

I know there's, like, speaking of aliens, I know there's, like, an alien overlord or demon or something. I don't feel safe talking about Scientology on the podcast. Yeah, me neither. I had a friend who drove too slowly past the Scientology Center and looked inside. And they sent a mailer to his house. And I was like, how? And he was like, they must have taken a picture of my license plate. Please, Tom Cruise, if you hear this, do not do that to me. Please. But I'm so afraid of

what they're going to do to this podcast. Yeah. But I hope they at least listen. Out of respect for Shelby and Sam's caution, I'm not going in on Scientology right now. But if I was solo, I would go in. I don't, those people. They have so much money and power, they can kill us. And get away with it. Yeah, I don't, that's why I think the aliens

need to know about their supreme leader, Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise. Yeah. Who is the, he's like, he and Julia, he's like the last great.

You are not putting her on is julia roberts a scientologist no she's putting them on the same tier she's saying julia roberts and tom cruise are the best movie stars of a generation no no they're not the best they're not the best there are better also like the naacp is gonna kick me out for saying, for, like, elevating these white people when I should be talking about, like, Cicely Tyson. But Tom Cruise, let's just stick to Tom Cruise. No Julia Roberts. Tom Cruise is a bona fide movie star. Yes.

Sure. And Mission Impossible. Show me. I'm right. Sure, yeah yeah go ahead Mission Impossible Fallout specifically it like so obviously cost a billion dollars to make

the stunts are incredible but he does those himself yes there's this fight oh also Henry Cavill is in it who I would let him split me like a wishbone. You have to stop. Not split me like a wishbone.

I agree. Yeah, you're not wrong, but Jesus. Yeah. I'd let him fuck me in the middle of a daycare with the lights on. Jesus Christ. He's, oh my God, I'm so fine. You were due jail time for that. She said, I'll register as a sex offender for it.

Sam, why are you walking so far away from that school I had one shot One opportunity I took it Don't park the car here There's a middle school over there I can't I had 15 minutes of a good time.

I ruined my own life to fuck Henry Cavill. Worth it. He's in it. Ruin it for Henry Cavill. He's in it. He's so hot. Angela Bassett is in it. There's this fight that they have in a men's bathroom it's tom cruise henry cavill and this other guy and they henry cavill throws this dude through

a mirror and this is the hottest thing i've ever seen and it's like good fighting and helicopters it's great speaking of people helicopters. It's great. Speaking of people who could split me like a wishbone, Angela Bassett. What? Angela Bassett could have me any way she wanted. She's hot. Yeah, me too. She is hot.

She's hot in this movie. What do you think the actual budget for Mission Impossible Fallout was? A hundred million. More. Are you looking at it? I have it. Yeah, I have it in front of me. A hundred A hundred million. More. Are you looking at it? I have it. Yeah, I have it in front of me. A hundred and fifty million?

More. Three hundred million. No. Less. Two hundred million? It was a hundred seventy-eight million dollars. It looks like it. Yeah.

That's what it takes. But what's crazy is that he refused to get someone to, they could pay for someone to do his stunts, and instead he broke his leg. Well, he's little. Little men act like that. He broke his leg doing a stunt in a movie. That's how little men behave.

Little men act like that. They do. Oh, no. And the thing where he breaks his ankle or whatever or whatever like you can tell yeah it's an incredible stunt yeah and he finishes this shot listen yeah i'm not i'm not in your position where i'm like let's all fuck tom cruise but what i will say is it's awesome that he finished the shot yes he climbed up the side of the building with a broken leg. And he was like, gotta get the shot, babe. I mean, he's incredible.

I cannot comment about his beliefs. Well, can you, can you, Sam, though? But he does believe in making good movies. See how I saved that? Can you comment on his COVID rant from set a couple weeks ago okay i it was i've been trying to stay off twitter because it's a toilet but i saw like people reacting badly to that and i was like that's what you want to hear yeah i want to hear somebody screaming at people to keep their masks on yeah so that i may have the next mission impossible movie that much sooner now i loved it i was like he he just seems like a guy who cares if you don't read the weird stuff about him and you only read the positive things

about how he like sends people cakes. And you know what here? I'm going to say this is the most controversial thing I'm going to say today. Really? Worse than fucking in front of kids? It cannot be. I gotta tell ya. More controversial than I'd fuck in front of a couple kids?

They gotta learn sometime. Fuck that stork shit kids I'm gonna show you where you actually came from um they're gonna be like ew I wish I was dead now I don't wanna see where I came from um the way those kids go home

the next that day and they go how was day. And they go, how was daycare? And they say, well, I saw something. Mom, get me a cold milk. It's going to be a long night. I got to tell you some things. Sit down before I tell you. No, I'm sorry.

What is your actual controversial take? That I thought the couch jumping incident was sweet. I was about to ask you about that. and it's interesting that that's a take. And not unhinged. I just seem like a guy. You have to at least contend that it was sweet and unhinged. There's no way that's hinged. It was sweet and unhinged.

It's not hinged. It's all hinges. He just seemed like he was very happy to have found a woman. Well, he had found before and he'll have to find again. Me too. So am I. Oh my god. Sam just announced a divorce. And the tabloids

are going to go crazy with this one. I'm going to send you a picture of me jumping on the couch in a minute. Yeah. So it's possible for all those reasons. If you haven't seen it, run. Don't walk to your phone and order it. It's coming to you via Sam Irby. It's coming to space.

Yeah. I'm going to be like, this is the crowning achievement of our species, this movie. Would you give the aliens a viewing experience along with it? Like, would you say it has to be in theaters? It has to be Home Alone? Like, what's the... Well, I would say in a theater, except I feel bad saying that because we can't go to a theater, and I haven't been to a theater

in a year and a half. So if the aliens Well they can rent one out. Yeah. The aliens can rent a theater and go see Mission Impossible. Perfect. Yeah. Lots of popcorn with butter. I don't play that

no butter shit. That's insane. And nobody should. What's the point of it? Sam, what's going on next? The next thing is a very niche thing I love. And I said the delisted.com comment section circa 2008. Yes. Delist is a celebrity gossip website

started in 2005. It was originally called The D-List. But Kathy Griffin was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. So in 2007, it was changed to D-Lister.

D-Listed. D-Listed. And that's what you love. That's what I love. What was going on in 2008 when it was officially D-Listed in the comments? What were you loving?

Well, I think the thing about 2008 was that the internet felt less toxic than it does now. Now, if I see a comment section on anything, I don't click it. I don't scroll. I know it's going to be like either bots or trolls and I can't deal with it. But like the D-list, first of all, I didn't, it was like the first time I had been exposed to celebrity gossip delivered in a snarky, funny way. So I love that. And then the comment section was like actual people who were also funny and made funny comments to each other. And I was like, oh, man, gee willikers, this internet is really great. I love being online.

And then, you know, like fast forward to now when, like, I don't even want to check my email, let alone, like, look at a comment section on the internet. It just was, like, a very pure time. And pure time and like it felt this is so stupid but it felt like a community so i would love to give aliens that experience of the internet you know what's crazy is that you can go to the archives you can go to 2008 but and it'll show you that there are comments like they'll be like this has comments. But if you click on it, zero. They've wiped them. See?

I said, I want to read what Sam read. That's so sad. And I couldn't. That makes me so sad. I used to also really love Television Without Pity. Have you guys heard of that? It was a website where it was basically, like Reddit, but TV specific. And like people would, there would,

they would write summaries or recaps of the shows and then people would just talk about it. And I spent like literal hours of my day, just, I never comment because I was always too scared, but just like reading other people talking about a show I just watched, that was like reading other people talking about a show I just watched. That was like my idea of a good time. I would do it now if like the internet weren't so cursed. There was also Perez Hilton. Perez Hilton had his site, still probably does,

PerezHilton.com, right? But he was really mean for a little, and that was funny. And then he started going nice, and that was less funny, and then he started going nice and that was less funny and then he was just annoying and now he like harasses a bunch of kids on tiktok i think he got banned oh he what he like attacks them in the comments all the time and they're like we're 12 and you're grown i thought he'd had a baby and like retired no he's really really um well he was banned from tiktok tiktok banned him but he now trolls like that. They have like TikTok T pages. And he trolls those to comment on those to be like, this 15 year old needs to like, he like goes off and they're all like, we are young. You are old. Stop it. I cannot. I only see TikToks because people I follow on Instagram post them in their stories. We don't have TikToks in this house. Yeah, we don't do it in this house.

I can't do another app. I can't, like, learn a new thing. Like, my brain does not have room for a new application. Sam, do you follow Dumois on Instagram? No, because it stresses. It's trash. The thought of it stresses me out. It's trash.

It's like studio execs and agents and Hollywood people basically just anonymous. Not anonymously. Emails are not anonymous. The emails are like, hey, my name's Josie F. And I work at Fox doing this. And Armie Hammer is about to be canceled. And then the Instagram account makes them anonymous. And then three weeks later, Armie Hammer gets canceled.

So it's like gossip culture, kind of like what I think D-Listed would have been or was in 2008. But it's so unwell. It's like so, the fascination with celebrities and their lives is so bizarre to me. Well, it feels like it died down a little. It used to be, like in 2008, 2008 to like 2000, I would say 2005 to 2011. Yeah. Was like anything. There was a certain subset of A-listers is what we call,

what they were called in the culture. But like there was a subset of people that it was like, you knew every single thing about their life and there was nothing that was left off limits and you just knew it all and everyone knew it all. You couldn't hide from it. Like no matter what Lindsay Lohan was doing, I was in tune with it. I was in step and I never cared, but I was,

I was like, yeah, obviously that's where Lindsay, like she's in the Caymans this week. And I know that, you know what I mean? But we stopped doing that to that degree, I think.

But I also like used to read people magazine and don't anymore. And I'm like, does it still exist? I'm just above it. Or did it exist in a more powerful way than it does now? Do you know what I mean? I feel like magazine, like before the internet, like magazines, like I could get my once a week or however often like Entertainment Weekly or People magazine comes out and be like, okay, this is what stars are doing. But now it's just like constant.

It's constant and overwhelming. And it's at the point where, and this will happen to you too, where I don't recognize the names of most of the people and i'm like i don't i just gotta check out because i can't i can't follow who they're talking about like i don't know i think also we're arriving at and will continue to go further into this i don't think we're gonna have true superstars anymore like jennifer aniston like uh you know when people were like at their biggest like lindsey lohan uh i don't think that's going to exist anymore because there are people right now who have millions of followers on social media and are in like five movies and no one that i know in the middle of the country knows who they are yeah as a person in the middle of the country, I am a testimony to that.

And I don't know who they are. I'm like, yeah, I can't keep up with like who's famous and who adjacent to this famous person has also become famous. It's too much. It's too much. It's too much. I miss the purity of the that it's like, it's like, you know, assistants and shit. And now as people who like, have other people who know our schedules and what we're doing and what we're working on, it's like, damn, just don't do that. Just tell somebody what I'm doing or what I'm working on yeah it's i don't know it just makes me nervous like not me personally like who cares what the fuck i'm

doing but like i don't want i don't want to know i know you i will text you guys what i'm doing but we will not be sending to dumo we. We just want to know for us. But I just think like it just makes it I'm like oh man Armie Hammer was near an assistant who's like you know who like saw Well he might have asked her to remove her rib so that he could cook it up

He's a bad example He's a bad example She might have not overheard it She might have had a doctor's appointment scheduled for her He's a bad example. Well, she might have not overheard it. She might have had a doctor's appointment scheduled for her to remove a rib for cooking. It's just like, who can anyone trust? Like, I love, like, if you take a picture of somebody, like, fine, I want to hear people talk about the outfit. But then it makes me nervous. I don't know.

I just get nervous for people. Well, it's also, it's unfair, Sam, because like part of the Dumois culture or like this new celeb culture is like, if I'm an assistant who works on a show you're working on or whatever, and I'm, I have a bad interaction with Sam or because you just got horrible news and it's 8am and you know, whatever. Just fucking in a preschool. You were just fucking in a preschool and i've heard you very tired i'm gonna go to one of these sites and be like sam irby is a total asshole horrible to work with and it's like

it was a bad moment you know what i mean yeah i feel bad for a lot of people threw a phone at someone but it was like it was only one bad he was like it's not he could have gone to like a verizon store and thrown so many others and he didn't do that ultimately i do love when people like have a thing that brings them joy and i know that i just read an article about the anonymous person who like runs that account and she was just talking about how how many people like breathlessly like use it and send her stuff i'm like i do love when people are into a thing i just again i don't like if someone is taken out of context and then the story becomes

this person's a piece of shit you know and we don't know the backstory i don't know we have questions i have too much empathy you're too much of an empath yeah sam listen this is about you and like what you're adding to the records but we did ask some people what they would add to theirs and we just want to know if you agree or disagree get sort of expert take yes this is like your section of them so like if you don't want it on there just let us know like we don't you know what i mean we don't want to crowd your stuff with these people's stuff but the first thing um is from kel mcc and it's the Lenny Kravitz dick video. When Lenny Kravitz split his pants on stage and revealed to us exactly what his penis looks like. It was a cultural reset. Yes, agree.

So would you put it on the records? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So my argument is like, I think Lenny Kravitz just as a concept goes on the records. Yeah, but if you don't have enough room for the whole Lenny, little Lenny is good. See, if I had to pick,

I would say Lenny Kravitz is one of the sexy people whose dicks I don't want to see. I would put the picture of him in the blanket scarf on before the dick pop. Oh, another cultural reason. I'm just saying that

because that's what people say all the time. And you're correct. I mean, but that dick picture is so good. But it, I don't know. Sam's staring out a window right now. Is that like revenge porn or some kind of, is it bad to show it to aliens? No. I don't know the rules

because it was shown in such a moment of joy it's public domain yeah no one gains and to show many people then yes so many people saw it

it goes on the record you can Freedom of Information Act that picture of when he's and we're we're talking to lawyers already you don't have to worry about the aliens

we've already cleared it with we have like the most really powerful lawyers. Okay, great. In. Okay, Lauren Reeves said plain rice with butter. Agree, but only if we can put salt and pepper on it. Really? It has to be plain rice.

With butter. I am a person with IBS. Thank you. Thank you. So I love a plain rice. Sometimes it's all you can have. So yeah, rice

with butter. I like plain rice with butter but to say that that's one of the things for aliens is where I kind of draw the line. Oh, yeah, okay. I kind of draw the line. Oh, yeah. Okay. I love plain rice with butter. I'll have it any day of the week. I like the stuff.

But do the aliens need to know about it? You know what? No, they don't. Is it one of those things that I want to define humanity by? And for that, I have to say. No. I don't think so. Okay. Now that you put it that way, no.

You guys are being so sweet. I'm mad about this. I like rice with butter. I think that's so unacceptable. It not it's so delicious to say that aliens need it well we've agreed that aliens don't need it but we're saying aliens don't need it but we personally need it yeah oh okay like a G6 by Far East Movement. I don't know what that is. So no. Oh my God. It's Evan Wooten. The song Like a G6pping scissor. Am I right? Am I right? Like three six. Now I'm feeling so fly.

Like a G6. Like a G6. This song was the shit when I was like 15, 16? I couldn't tell you. How old were we? I couldn't tell you, but I know I liked it. Okay, well, based on both of your reactions I'm gonna change to agree because

you both just lost your fucking minds you were vibing you were vibing I was vibing I hit the auntie shoulder dance it is a hot song I don't think it goes on though I will be honest about that I I should have recorded It is a hot song. I don't think it goes on, though. I will be honest about that.

I should have recorded what you were doing. Everyone, Caleb was dancing like he was in Zumba class. It goes in. I gave him a little bit of this. Yeah, well, you know, whatever. When he says, gave him a little bit of this, he put his hands above his head and did a cyclone. Cyclone. Now, that was a cyclone. Cyclone. Now that was a hot song. Cyclone was a hot song.

Damn. That was a good era for music. The era of like what? The Black Eyed Peas and LMFAO? Come on, baby. We had fun. Yeah, we were having it. That's the era of music where we weren't taking music seriously.

That's when people were like, that's when adults had it right when they were like they just don't make music like we did now i would be like you don't have the right to say that we're making good music again yeah that was the period where we said we took a little detour music doesn't have to be good to be fun we were like fergie all the time all the time solo fergie black eyed p fergie that's when we were learning how to spell in music as adults b-a-n-a-n-a-s g-s-o-a-m-o-r-o-u-S. We were really learning some stuff. That was education. That was hooked on phonics. We cannot continue on this rant because we need to know what else is on your record. Okay, my final thing.

I really wanted to capture a feeling that I want the aliens to know and have. And it is the delicious burn of an excessively carbonated gas station fountain soda. Ooh. Come on now. Absolutely. I want the carbonation turned up to a 20.

I want to, like, gasp and choke with every sip. The scale was 1 to 10, by the way. And Sam wants it at 20. Would you do one of those things where you put you do like a combo platter?

Instead of one drink? I am a purist. So which one are we going? I mean if I'm being true to my heart, it's a Sprite. Hell yeah. That burns the best. Because that burns hardest.

That does burn the best. I love Sprite. Yeah. With little nugget ice. Yes. So it doesn't get like too melty and weird. Yes. Sonic ice.

Sonic ice. Extra carbonated Sprite. Okay. Yes. For me. Sorry, I'm like getting hot and bothered about it. I would do Dr. Pepper. And if they had that grenadine cherry situation, I would pop a little bit of that in there.

Do they do that at the G station? Yeah. Like Hy-Vee gas or something would have grenadine on the side. Yeah, if you go to a fancy gas station. I guess I've only ever gone to nasty-ass gas stations. I've never been putting a la carte in my soda. You have to go to a truck stop. Like a quick trip.

I've been to a quick trip. That's like a big laid out kind of grocery situation. Love's never had shit every time I've been. Sam, what is the, like if I'm talking about my experience in Missouri growing up, the gas station to like, you're going to go there to get your fountain drink before you go to a party that you're going to mix with UV blue vodka or whatever. We're going to Casey's General Store or Quick Trip. What is the gas station where you are? Well, I don't live where I grew up.

So I'm going to say where I grew up in evanston chicago um shell shell shell was always the best gas station that's the soft drink spot for whatever reason i can't remember the name of the gas station that we used to go to that would sell us alcohol when we were like 14 and whoa good for them great news for them we never had any of those and so that was like the go-to spot because they would be like yeah take a vodka but then uh they opened like a really fancy gas station near uh my dad's called waterway and people would like go there to chill like that was like the spot to hang out i would do that i wasn't always hanging out the waterway i was more of a walgreens parking lot kind of girl i would ask my babysitter to drop

me off at the walgreens parking lot and be like i'll call you when i need your dad's girlfriend babysitter she became a nurse and then she only treated me when i was in the hospital which she did but i but i uh no different one her name's lauren rest you know she's alive i was gonna say yes she's alive and well i was bracing myself when you said rest i was like oh no she's like alive and well has four kids okay it's really well, has a beautiful husband. I'm sitting here being like, may she rest in peace. She's alive. And I feel bad about it. Sam, we want to ask you, is there anything that you want to plug, tell the people about?

I think we're almost at the end of our time with you, which is devastating. Devastating. This was a blast. I have nothing to plug. You can buy my books. Buy her books. Yeah, you can buy my books if you want. If you know where Henry Cavill is.

Keep him far away from Sam. She's gonna get them both in a cell. If you know Henry Cavill and you care about him, you're gonna want to keep him protected. If you'd like to see me jailed, give me Henry Cavill's number. No, just buy my books. I have a newsletter.

You know, I have all the same shit everybody else has. Oh, your Substack. Nothing special. Subscribe to the Substack. It's Bitches Gotta Eat. Yep,.substack.com. Iconic. It's mostly recaps of Judge Mathis.

Oh, Isubstack.com. Iconic. It's mostly recaps of Judge Mathis. Oh, I should have said. But see, no, it's too self-serving to be like, send Judge Mathis to the aliens. No, send it. Hey, send it. They need to send it. We're including that as well. Great.

We'll talk to the people at NASA. A couple spicy episodes of Judge Mathis can fit right next to Mission Impossible. Absolutely. Okay. Well, Sam, right next to mission impossible. Absolutely. Okay. Well, Sam, thank you for doing this. We literally guys are amazing.

I want to be earnest with you for a second. And I know Shelby does too. We truly love you and are so happy that you were on and thank you for doing everything. I truly love you. Yeah. We really, I told you I'm too empathetic.

She's crying. Sam is sobbing right now. I'm weeping. I'm weeping. Put this clip on social media. She's weeping. She's weeping. Mike, cut all of this.

Demois, demois, demois. Mike, cut all of this. We cannot have Sam looking weak on the pod. Oh, seriously. I want people to be terrified of me i want them to be like well if they have kids they will be terrifying huh god i shouldn't have said that but i mean it but at the end of the day fear her it's true that was a Hiddem Original