Keeping Records - Nobody’s Eating Grandma (with Ryan Ken)

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

Hello, all of our special friends! And welcome to the show!! We're so happy to see each and every one of you, come on into our tree fort! We're launching Golden Records into outer space so that aliens far away can know ALL about the human race long after we've all turned to ash!! Today we're making a record with someone we care about so much, writer and actor Ryan Ken! Take a look at their record!! It's got a singer, an actor, hot bods, and great food!  Ryan's Artifacts  Whitney Houston singing the American National Anthem at the 1991 Super Bowl (audio-visual) Viola Davis's award speeches (audio-visual) Thirst traps with inspirational captions (human behavior) Regional food chain rivalries (human behavior) People forgetting they’re on mute on Zoom calls (human behavior) Follow Ryan on Instagram Twitter and TiktTok! -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. I send my wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well whoa whoa whoa look who it is whoa shelby what's up dude wow you whoa look who it is it's boy if it isn't my old friend shelby shelby what's going on today like we're in a kid show yeah look who look who dropped by the play house it's shelby joelle man i really hope we can go to the gumdrop forest this afternoon

i want to talk to you guys about something super important today opioid opioids what are they and why are they so popular me personally i love opioids i can't get enough of them and in fact i've screwed over a lot of my family members trying to get more caleb i've been meaning to talk to you about that no me and your friends have been worried well you guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No. Shelby, what's up in your life? Just, you know what? Every day I look at three to five apartments.

You're looking for apartments right now? Yeah. It's iconic. And so that's a big part of my life right now is just looking at apartments. Yeah. Yeah. a big part of my life right now it's just looking at apartments yeah yeah i have been um going on or planning a lot of trips lately and something i've been doing is setting my to wherever i'm going a couple days ahead of time just to sort of jump he pays for premium oh honey you better

believe i do oh he pays for premium i don't like to swipe and so by the way bleep their name no no cloud for the girl 100 no clout for the dating app with the swiping system. No free clout for the girlies. I don't like to swipe. So if you pay for premium on that app, you can just see who likes you and choose between them. Yes. It's an elevated experience for an elevated kind of girl. Yeah.

Hey. So I've been looking through. I'm about to go to Toronto and I've been looking through the Toronto. Whoa, you're going to Toronto? I'm kidding. Yeah, Canada. What if I had no idea? idea i gotta get out of town i've done wrong by some really bad people i screwed over my big boss just one too many times i keep turning in money that's light

and i'm in trouble for it and i want to keep all my fingers. I like counting to 10. It's so funny to me. We should have a kid show. Okay. Okay, no worries. Who do we want to pitch to? Oh, we pitched all the big ones. Yeah.

Does anyone have kids shows? It's so funny to me to imagine a kid show on it. They could. And by the way, every single one of those has to be bleeped um because of course no free coffee for the girlies per usual caleb i want to bring in our guys wow that's no stop that's what i was gonna say you fucking freak i want please stop i want to bring in our guys to show me i'm begging you to quit because i want to bring in our guests today caleb shut up i want to bring in our guest. Shelby, I'm begging you to quit because I want to bring in our guest today. Caleb, shut up.

I want to bring in our guest. Our guest today. What is there to say about them? They are hot. Let's start with hot. Let's start with hot. And then let's continue forward to important. And let's kind of round it out with employable.

They're a comedian that you know from the web. You love their videos online and you love the way they look. And you would love to give them a job. They're an actor. They're a writer. They're brilliant. They're gorgeous. We're obsessed. With Ryan

Kim! Oh my god, thank you. I really don't think enough people talk about how hot I am. I really feel like it's disgusted my circles. Can you. I really don't think enough people talk about how hot I am. I really feel like for as much as maybe there's a discourse. Can I say, I don't think there's a time where it would be enough. I think it has to. I don't think it's possible. I heard we have Tinder premium, so we're not even swiping.

We don't swipe. People swipe for us. Ryan, how is your life? Be honest. You know, mental health been on Fabergé egg for... It's so funny to just start with the words mental health. Oh, mental health. But you know, I'm here.

I'm responding to emails within three to five business days. So I think that I'm doing pretty good. But I'm really excited to be here. That's pretty good for a support team. It is. I'm super nervous about this because like, you know, I try to be funny online, but I'm very much that person at a party who is like, joke, joke, joke. And then I watch people's eyes glaze over as I talk about the prison industrial complex.

So I'm like trying to make sure that I've got a couple ha-has in me. This pod can be, it's ultimately the beautiful thing about our podcast I think. Is that every single listener has a terminal degree in their field. A terminal degree in their field but also that it's your record Ryan so if you start talking about the prison industrial complex in a sincere way

that's the record babe. We'll talk about it with you. We have to. Contractually. Yeah well you know it's after 8. I have an edible waiting on me so we'll talk about it with you we have to contractually yeah well you know it's after eight i have i have an edible waiting on me so we'll see what comes we'll see what we get into the um oh yeah there is a running gag on this podcast that all of our listeners have master's degrees phds etc etc so don't feel don't feel afraid to go there ryan oh i will reach into the grad school bag if that's what we want to do. They're all so smart.

Our little freaks are educated. Educated. Educated. In the formal way. The way that doesn't even matter. They're educated in that way. Because everyone talks about being a nerd. And they think in movies and TV it's just a hot person wearing glasses.

No, being a nerd is talking to someone and watching the life leave their eyes and not stop talking like you just keep going like that's what being being a nerd is not being a nerd is not taking your glasses off and biting them real sexy it's actually talking so long that people refuse to keep engaging exactly get passionate and something nobody cares about in a way that is also off-putting. Right. I wish my problems were fixed by contact lenses and a haircut.

So that's... Okay, she's all that. Drag, she's all that. Drag, she's all that. Drag her. She's over. She's okay. Who is she?

She was fine. She's okay. She was all something. I would not say all of that. No. Oh my God. ryan your videos are so funny and you are did you go to grad school are you in grad school i did go into graduate school which means that i am in debt so hopefully these hahas start paying some student loans um but

yes i went to grad school for arts administration and now i do this you talk like someone who has a master's degree yeah you're very smart you're you're now i do this you talk like someone who has a master's degree yeah you're very smart you're you're very like theoretical like you'll like i'll be tweeting about something we'll be tweeting about the same thing at the same time and and shelby and i'll be tweeting like the dumbest possible shelby you're involved in this you have very smart takes your takes are smarter than mine and shelby's uh well you know some of the hotter takes are in the drafts sure and when i get like stoned those sometimes get released and it always freaks me out as an anxious person to be like hi and to have some random thoughts about like drake's pussy like go viral or something like this

um i wish i could understand drafts more I just post and then delete instead of actually drafting. I should put things to draft. I'm tweeting stuff that should not go live. If my drafts got released, it would be a problem. It would be rough. For everyone in this room. Not just for me. Most of my drafts are like, they're drafts because I'm afraid to talk about people's faves

because people's intensity of stand-up on the internet is a little intense. And so most of the drafts are like hot takes about people that I'm like, I have a group chat. Let's do that. Well, like Nikki, for example, like I will not talk about Nikki on Twitter. I don't have it in me to get attacked in the way that, what are her fans called? Barb.

Barb's. The Barb's. I don't want to get attacked by the barbs she's really got them out here embarrassing themselves though she really really does well she's been on one and so being on one i mean just like my cousin's balls like that girl what is you have too much money to be doing that it is a too much more i cannot explain enough i feel like i've said this a million times i feel like a million people have said this a million times if i was rich you would not hear from me i would never sound off on the issues of the day i would never issue a take on things that are going

on you would have to you would have to fight to hear me say a word yeah i'm too rich to have an opinion at that point like for as much as i'm appreciative of the support on twitter and everything else the moment that i am rich it's all gone see ya you won't i never thought anything i never had thoughts and i don't ever again it's lobotomy vibes after i get if i get when i get my first 20 million dollars i'm out that's what i think it would take for me to shut up forever it takes 20 mil i think to shut up forever 20 million dollars i'm out that's what i think it would take for me to shut up forever it takes 20 mil i think to shut up forever 20 million i'm young you're still talking to people babe it's just the massive public that you'd have to shut up to 20 million yeah it would take 20 million i think that's reasonable i my bar is a little bit lower i like five mil i'm out five

yeah i'm like i don't know, I don't even have internet anymore. If I don't have to worry about money for a bit, we're good to go. But I don't really tweet that much to begin with. That would get you guys. I don't tweet that much. If I had the resources. But if I had the resources right now and I said to both of you, actually, this is fun. You guys will like this.

If I had the resources and I said, what number would it take to get you to never issue a public statement again starting now? Like an Applebee's gift card now i'm serious if i said you guys can never post online again you could never be on you can't be on instagram you can't be on twitter you can't be on anything with the number what would it take or any new social media that might come up in your lifetime no it's got i it's got to be career promise more than the than the dollar value for me babe but right now in this scenario it's the dollar value for me, babe. But right now, in this scenario, it's the dollar value. I'm saying I don't know, because it wouldn't be for that. Ryan?

I feel like a mil. I think I would be gone for a mil. Like, I would be gone. A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli, a milli in here, a milli in there. Yeah, well, I get what Shelbyby's saying i mean i i do wish shelby would enter a number just for the fun of the game but i do ultimately agree with shelby which is that yeah it is about the career more than the money but the also the career should bring the money right yes like get me out of debt right let retirement actually be a possibility

and i'm probably out for that and the problem with the number value the problem with the number value right now is that it's a static number. It doesn't grow. The career, I would be like, oh, well, I could just keep earning. You're saying I give you a flat fee. I don't get that annually.

But in the career version, you have to keep, part of the career is that you have to keep issuing takes. Very few people get a career without issuing takes. Almost exclusively. There are very few people

who get to opt out. So for the money, have the taxes already been paid? Because I feel like that's a whole other component. Thank you, Ryan. We'll say it's tax-free. Thank you for asking.

We'll say it's tax-free for fun. We'll say it's tax-free. Oh, tax-free no Jeff Bezos. I love that. So you do it for like $700,000 then, Ryan? Yeah. Or it still has to be a million? Yeah.

Yeah. The number just keeps getting lower and lower. You're going to be like, $2. And you delete the cash out of there. yeah no you're just getting lower and lower you're gonna be like yeah two dollars i love that i would never i would it would take it would take a lot it would take a lot for me to shut up but i would shut up don't i know it don't i i can't get no respect ryan i will never forget that one of one of the only negative reviews of this podcast that has been posted

and there have been a couple but one of the only of the i think there's three uh one of them was just uh dragging me because i referenced rodney dangerfield a lot and it's not even a lot it's like five times uh episode an episode episode. I do his voice. That makes me feel so much better about whatever I'm going to say. Yeah, it should. Five times an episode, I go, hey, I can't get no respect. Hey, I can't get no respect. And that's not even really a reference.

On the pulse, really, is what it is. Yeah, finger on the pulse. Tapped in icon. Oh, fuck. You know what what and ryan we brought you here because shelby really wants to ask you a question oh fuck i do i do want to ask a question if we were to send new records into space um what do you think you would put on them i would send one of the Hmm. I would send, one of the first things I would send

would be like an actual record. It would be Whitney Houston's recording of the national anthem. Thank you. I am not a patriotic person. I really don't see it for America. It's fine, I guess. But whenever I hear that version of the national anthem, I'm always like, don't disrespect the flag.

It just makes me feel something. I was like, it just takes me to a place and I think about the fact if I may be nerdy for a second the original Star Spangled Banner is in uh 3-4 Whitney's version is in 4-4 so she a black woman gave America an extra beat you know who didn't deserve that America America thank America. Thank you. Exactly. America, thank you. For the land of the free and the land of the brave. Oh, my God. Look at the misty. I'm right alive. I'm about to enlist

I'm about to enlist quickly I just have to go to .com and enlist in the army felt and understood felt and understood no patriotism but you know maybe the military industrial complex had some points.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Points were made. Points were made. Halliburton has nuance, I think, if anything. Right. We should really look at the situation from both sides, I feel like. Right.

Do you guys feel like we have a good national anthem? No. No. Sorry. This is a very, this is a soapbox that i will not get off of there is so much our national anthem tells us so much about the country because there's inequality in the song itself first of all it's an octave and a half most people can't sing it so they're like that's a perfect picture of like the american dream that like most people cannot reach it

because you always start the song and you like get to the little bridge and then you're like oh shit i started off too high and then you're out ryan that was really powerful this is what i'm talking about this is some grad school i feel that way about the happy birthday song i don't feel like anyone can sing the happy birthday song well no except for like whitney mariah a couple other people but it's limited when you hear a friend singing happy birthday it's always like okay i never know where to look like when people are singing at you i never like know where to put my eyes and like how to smile or how to be yeah what's the face what's the face what's the face both of you make when people are saying you happy birthday? So someone say happy birthday to you, Mr. President. I deserve this.

I deserve this. Happy birthday, Mr. President. Shelby, you're blacking out again. Shelby, you're blacking out again. Sorry. Ever since I moved to LA, Marilyn Monroe sometimes takes over my body. That's because you guys look so much alike. Yeah.

Me and Marilyn Monroe have a really similar vibe. Always. You're always wearing dresses and standing over events. Love a great. Love a great. That's actually going on my records. Great. Why not?

I would ask, what about whitney houston's national anthem makes it you know eligible for the record but we just listen to it and i have no questions right do you fear do you fear though ryan i mean i know we said no patriotism but do you have any fears at all in your heart that the aliens are going to think america is the best country on earth oh you know that is a concern maybe we should hide it no i want it on i'm just like no no actually aliens i want you to understand this is the best thing that we ever did there's nothing better except for like a couple items on the kfc menu like this this is it this is it how do you feel about their nashville uh nashville hot chicken tenders yes or no you know technically i'm vegetarian, but I'm dipping my toe into eating meat again.

I have not yet tried it, but depending on how this edible hits, we might have a taste test this evening. Obsessed. I had it literally for lunch four hours ago today. What did you think, food critic? You know, Nashville hot chicken from KFC. It is not good Nashville hot chicken, but it is good something else. It's good chicken and it's good spice and I like the taste, but it doesn't really give Nashville hot chicken. What is the history?

There's bad history about, and don't get mad at me, Colonel Sanders. What was his deal? I don't know, but me colonel sanders what was his deal i don't know but the cartoon looks racist there's something there yeah i feel like caleb once in the car told me something bad about colonel sanders colonel sanders something bad about colonel sanders i don't know that i know it i'm confident that it's there i don't know that i know it off the top of my head well i feel less stupid i thought i thought both were gonna be like shelby come on wow we canceled colonel sanders a long time ago yeah like that i was gonna be like oh my god yeah i agree i'm trying to think of i do recall knowing something about colonel sanders like

that he was like a there's something i knew about him at one point it wasn't just that reba played him reba played colonel sanders for a second in commercials and that was pretty fun that was pretty fun choice for them um if i had to put one thing on the records as well it would be the way that we spell colonel i think it's so stupid yeah what's up with that it's nonsensical i don't understand it nothing has ever made less sense to me. Colonel. Colonel. It took a lot of my life till I realized those were the same. Same.

Same. Spelling colonel was colonel. When I saw colonel spelled out, I was like, it shattered my innocence as a child. I was like, oh, adults will lie to you. People will not treat you right. That is not how any of the letters i learned how to read work so it really it's really it really doesn't make any um sense it's stressful but i love that about colonel you know what i don't like though i don't like when

people um when when really i don't like people who are super into grammar in general to be honest but people who people who do that little thing where they'll make a sentence that if you don't read it the right way or punctuate it the right way, they'll be like, let's eat grandma. Hmm. Now put in a, it's like, shut the fuck. I can't stand it. And then they'll put in a comment. I'll be like, let's eat grandma.

And it's like, okay, fine. Like, fine. You win. The comma was important. I just can't stand it right you do something with grammar though what is it that you do you do something with grammar and plurality me yes you caleb where you say like you'll put the plural and oh oh oh it's that's it i'm doing a bit though i'll say it's i know but i'm saying it's actually not it's actually not

surgeon generals it's surgeons general like i'll do that right or like brothers-in-law it's not brother-in-laws it's brothers-in-law that I'm kidding though I don't honestly mean that people get really weird about grammar stuff and like even like as a non-binary person they always get weird about like I could say they but how will I know if there's more than one person you're like yeah really it's like what are you talking about it's not playing are you talking about stop playing dumb playing dumb is my least favorite thing no one was gonna eat grandma be normal it's like right you got a four on ap english in high school years ago and you have never let that go just calm down calm down and be normal and i didn't do good in that and now i am fine. So recently, uh, I was listening to a disability rights activist talk and I asked

her what, like, what is the biggest thing that if you could just put something of your, um, your activism into everyone's brain and implant it there and it would just live there forever. Like what would you put into people's heads to just take away about disability rights? And she said, chill the fuck out. I don't want you to be so weird around me out i don't want you to be so weird around me i don't want you to be so odd and strange when you see me i'm a fucking person and i i thought that was very like that's that reminds me of grammar stuff it's just like chill out what are you doing like life is so hard nobody's eating grandma you know what non-binary people are be average you weirdo be average you weird be normal you freak

that would be better hashtag it gets better campaign it gets better you can be gay when you're an adult no hate with the letter with the numbers of the letter duct tape honestly no hate vibes no hate shut the fuck up no hate ryan um what would be the next thing on your records i would put viola davis award speeches up there because i just feel like when she's so good at acceptance speech when she won the emmy she should have gotten another emmy that night for her speech because she walks up on stage and the she like recites something and she goes that was Harriet Tubman in the 1800s and let me tell you something the only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity

imagine being one of the other like raggedy people who has to get up and accept an award after that how do you follow harriet tubman like right she's just like so good like she's just so good at that and i get so moved that sometimes when i'm like looking for like a little bit of serotonin i would just watch viola davis accept awards yes and you present a really good idea by the way which is every award show should give an additional award at the end of the night for the best speech. That would be amazing. Yeah. Make them compete in real time. Best speech, best vibes,

best presenter, best presenter. Um, we do superlatives at the end of award shows. Now we're like, okay, best smile, best dressed.

Um, she has one speech. That's like, she gets up her i would say that the hottest part of every speech she gives is like the first second because she doesn't waste time she starts she gets up there gets the mic and starts right away she's going she was just like people often ask me i was like damn okay what's up what do they ask you and um she was like people often ask me yeah she was like people often ask me what group of people holds the most potential and she was like the people in a graveyard or something like that's the speech and she's like

people who've died who had ideas and dreams And those are the stories. And I was like, what? Like my brain, my brain didn't. I was like, what? Where are we? What are we doing? But thank you. First of all. Just life changing.

Yeah. I think that was for supporting actress. I used to think that her name was Voila because it's so close in spelling. And Voila was another word that fucked me up. I got that word once when we were doing popcorn reading in third grade and that ruined my fucking life i just want you to know that that's so fucking funny to call it voila voila it's so close and i was like you know this is like when i first uh learned about viola so i was like maybe like fifth or sixth

grade and i was like oh voila i just learned that word two years ago but Viola is way cooler I grew up in the south where a lot of people didn't even say voila they said voila voila like voila and I'm like that's not that's not really that's not correct at the end of the day I don't belong in this small town uh Viola Davis okay obviously would be futile and silly to try and pick her best performance. But every time I think of her, when I hear her name, I think of her performance in Doubt. Correct. Correct. I mean, come on.

How are you on screen for less than 10 minutes acting with Meryl Streep and just chewing up the whole scene? Eating everyone alive. Right. Weeping, sobbing, snot out of the nose, killing the lines, delivering all of it.

She makes that movie for me. Oh my God. She does. Because until she comes to screen, it's just a bunch of like boring, quiet, like old white people just being like, and I see that you've gone to the chambers.

Yes, I've gone to the chambers. And then she comes on and gives an actual performance. And I love Philip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. But wow, she fucking takes over. It's her movie after that. It's her movie. It's a film. It's her film.

It's her film. Sorry, movie was so disrespectful. It's her film. Yeah, I was going to say, Caleb, what was that about? And you guys are right. It's her film. That's my bad. I'm deleting from the records when Caleb called Doubt a movie.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Can you believe? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's a compliment to you. I'm getting rid of it. I don't want people to remember it anymore.

Get it off there. I already tweeted hashtag Caleb is over. Now, why would you do something like that? I've been nothing but kind. I mess up once kind i mess up once i mess up once this is actually ryan that's cancel culture and you're you're actually problematic oh oh i see i love that's that's the energy that's that's change you know what that was that was changed now see that was growth and i saw growth in that moment shelby and with you

as well and that's what i wanted to come here talk to you guys about growth i take full responsibility uh before we get into uh the rest of your record ryan i'll be 100 honest about my personal truth we have to go to a break for ads pay the bills thank you we're trying welcome mark ryan do you want to give us a wolf um oh my god oh no double not a third oh my god and God. And the sex appeal. The sex appeal listeners. That's the hottest dog. Right?

That's the hottest dog. 2.5. I'm a sexy poodle. 2.5 to 3.2 million listeners all across the globe just lost their minds. Yeah. What can I say?

They are losing it. Wow, I love that. Ryan, we wanted to ask you a question, but it's actually more of Shelby's question. Yeah, Caleb and I were talking about this earlier um what's something like so embarrassing or bad that you want to delete it from the records altogether and it doesn't have to be the big stuff to be the big stuff it doesn't have to be famine or war sexism or homophobia i love those i would never

delete those i I know. All of our guests say that because that's the kind of people we attract. That's great. But yeah, what would you delete? So I'll try to do this without getting emotional because I get worked up. One of the things that I would delete is those health food,

healthy wellness accounts who will talk like they'll like taste a big mac or some fast food item and be like no it tastes bad i hate that shit with the passion because you don't have to lie the issue with like junk food is not that it tastes bad it's not even made by real it's made by like engineers to be addictive. And so I just wish that you would stop lying. And believe science. And believe the science. Hashtag in this house we believe science.

We believe cheeseburgers are good. Because we believe in science. Cheeseburgers in paradise. It has to be deleted. Right. It has to be deleted. Make whatever your kale thing is. Well's just the the idea of putting forth such a blatant lie for for what so that i eat more bananas also these are the same kind of accounts that do ryan i hope you'll agree because this is your deletion

but these are the same kind of accounts that do they'll put like they'll put like um you know six chicken nuggets on one side of a picture, and they'll be like, this has the same calories as, and then on the other side of the picture, it'll be like, I don't know, 17 million strawberries, and they'll be like, the same calories as this. I cannot fucking stand seeing that ignorant shit on my timeline. Six chicken nuggets is cooler than 17 million strawberries.

That's why I'm eating it. It's awesome. I love strawberries,'s why i'm eating it it's awesome i love strawberries baby i'm not trying to say eat better eat different i'm just saying don't come for strawberries on this podcast it's not about coming for strawberry everyone take your headphones off except for show me it's not about coming for strawberries it's about chicken nuggets are good too i think it's i think it's about coming for strawberries we really need to brian everyone besides ryan take your headphones off ryan it's not about coming for strawberries call elizabeth warren break up the strawberry big strawberry that's what break up break up

big strawberry they need to they're putting a big strawberry they've reigned this country with fear for too long i have lately been attracting to my Instagram discover page, quite a few video accounts that are, here's what I, as a raw vegan eaten a day. And I, every time I watch it, I say, not good for you. They're like, I start off the day by eating an entire melon blended with 17 oranges. And're like then right between lunch breakfast and lunch i have 14 bananas then at then for lunch it's another smoothie you bet it girl and then dinner they're like i picked some vegetables and i shaved them real thin and that's lasagna and you're like what they are always trying to claim something's lasagna, too. Yeah, they're like, this is a couple layers of thin zucchini between some uncooked tomatoes lasagna. And I don't want to get gross, but I feel like if I ate like that on a regular basis,

I would have to have like a seatbelt on the toilet. Like, I just would have to never be able to get it that's just like i hope they have a bidet like i don't care what you eat in a day how do you shit in a day that's my i have to be hospitalized with that diarrhea i every time i watch the videos i say the smoothies they make are bigger than you could even whatever you you're imagining size-wise, quadruple it. They are massive. They are having entire Costco-sized jars for smoothies. Yeah.

And I'm like, this is the better option? Yeah, I'm like, guys, I had an egg on toast, and it was better taste... Well, I don't know. I love a smoothie. I backtrack. I go raw a smoothie i go raw vegan there's also no mention of fun in those posts they're always like this is what i do to sustain myself in a day and i'm like i don't want to sustain myself i want to go to a restaurant with my friends at three of i want to go to a restaurant with three friends i want to order 17 dishes uh ryan ken uh mike comite comete mike i actually don't know how to pronounce your last I want to order 17 dishes. Ryan, Ken, Mike, Comite, Comite? Mike, I actually don't know how to pronounce your last name.

And then, God, it'd be me, Mike, Ryan, and then I guess probably- Laura Dern. Laura Dern or Hillary Rodham Clinton. Yeah, that would be the dinner. And then if we had room for like a server or something, or like a busboy, I would pick maybe like Tim Allen or somebody. Wait, can I?

Because you said server, can I say something so funny that happened yesterday when I went to the doctor? Of course you can. Which you didn't know I went to the doctor yesterday. You don't tell me stuff. You don't tell me stuff. I went to the doctor yesterday

because I have a sprained Achilles Okay you have been complaining about that Yeah And it hurts a lot But my mom was like Last time that happened to me mine just snapped So you should go to the doctor So I went to the doctor

And in it I can't remember what she had said first But we were talking. Oh, I was telling her my pain and she was like, do you need a doctor's note for work? And I said, oh, no, I work from home. So unfortunately, this won't get me out of anything. And then I said, I wish I was, I wish I still served, meaning tables, because that would get me out of work.

And she was like, oh, my God, you served. Thank you so much for your service. And I was like, oh, my God, I meant, uh-uh. I was like, oh, I meant waiting tables. Waiting tables. I meant I brought people food. I didn't serve proper and it was the just the the she got so electric for a second and then was so disappointed and then she heard the way you used the national anthem

like when you were talking i was like i was like oh god i wish i was still serving she was like oh my god but i think that's the kind of reverence we should give servers because like have you ever worked in a customer service situation and told a middle-aged white woman that it'll be 10 minutes longer to wait for something oh god i mean that's warfare yeah yeah that's i did serve yeah i'd rather get shot That's quick and easy and understandable. Okay. I can't deal with the emotional nuance of talking to an elderly person who didn't get what they wanted. Yeah. Sticks and stones and bullets may hurt me physically, but the words of a Midwestern old woman.

Huh. Well, that'll stick with me forever. Yeah. That was really prescient. That was really beautiful. What you said, Shelby. that really actually spoke to me six and shall we say shall we said it's like i always say sticks and stones and guns may ultimately um can hurt me but old people well at the end of the day i'll take that with me on my journeys in the words of harriet tubman sticks and stones not not me quoting harriet tubman wait ryan what's next on your records oh yeah um oh yeah we have to do we have to do a record let's

let's do that um i would keep keep thirst traps with inspirational captions. Thank God. Thank God. That's one of my favorite genres of media content because it's no longer socially acceptable to be like, here is a photo of my abs. Isn't it great that I have abs? You have to talk about like, just so you know, your body is, and there's potty positive. And I felt just fine after this, but it's okay.

I was like, just post the pic and go. It is not. If you are hot, traditionally. So I don't need to hear your thoughts. I just want to see what's going on. You don't have to have any.

And that's the other one particular phrase. I'm so tired of seeing from hot people who, who understand that they can't just post their hot body anymore. They to try and be smart the phrase it's some version of this phrase i'm so grateful for my body it's so strong and does so much for me if you don't shut the fuck up and just post how hot you are i swear to god i'm gonna riot you don't have to be grateful for your hot body we're all gonna just enjoy it regardless there's something also that hot people often say on the internet which is they'll be like hot people will say like they'll be on vacation and it'll be like a hot hot thirst trap of them from vacation and they'll be like the positive energy in this city is electric it's like positive

energy for you is everywhere you're hot positive energy it's not people are it's different for you it's not positive it's shut up about energy you need not talk about energy unless you've like you know needed it right unless you've got if you unless you've got something fucked up about your look you know energy is not necessary in your life. I'm sorry to say. If everything's going well for you in the visual department, your energy's out the window, babe. You're fine. It's the truth.

Hot people are always trying to do some spiritual stuff and being like, I feel so incredible in my body today because I did yoga this morning. I'm like, you feel incredible in your body because you have one of the good ones. You got one of the ones that society likes. You're winning, bitch. Right. Like if I stand up, you will hear every joint snap. Like full Rice Krispies just trying to stand up.

Scatting. I got a scat body it is a scat i've got a scat i've got scat body so it is so funny to imagine that we send this up to the aliens right we send them a flip book of hot people with inspirational captions these aliens that end up finding these are so grotesque the grossest things you've ever seen they shoot us a bunch of selfies with inspirational captions and they are the gnarliest looking pictures you've ever seen yeah they look like wet they look slimy disgusting i don't know that sounds kind of hot oh wait wet and fly me oh shit someone has to fuck aliens okay why not ryan you know why not damn um yes i agree with this i think it really is incredible the way that it's also crazy how quickly it's changed people have really stopped uh people really got on board with social media not being a highlight reel anymore

um and trying just constantly parenting, parenting, fitness, fashion. Everything now has this bent of like, it's not all what it seems. And it's like, we know we liked it when it was what it seemed. Just let us think that. I don't need to know how early you got up today. Right. Let me dream. Let me dream about your life.

I know what mine's like. It's not what it seems. It's not what it seems. Everything is not what it seems. That's a Wizards of Waverly Place theme song. Deep cut. And speaking of the Wizards of Waverly Place, why don't you wave us on over to your next item? Come on.

A comedy writer. A comedy writer. Come on, authoress um what else would i regional food chain rivalries i really enjoy when people get like really worked up about like their midwestern pizza versus someone else's midwestern pizza when people like really intense about that that always amuses me and i also feel like as a southerner i never really i'm always fascinated by how people argue about their regional food chain options when like the grocery store in the south can wash most of the country well see that's part of i so i'm one of these people that gets i get heated about the best pizza in the midwest and that's the thing what is it it's casey's general store it's a fucking gas station there's a gas station pizza in the midwest is better than what most people would pay like 70 for in chicago i believe that look it's the truth and you're right it's like the the best the best barbecue in k best barbecue in Kansas City is in also a literal gas station.

Yeah, it's important. It's also important because a lot of times the only thing you got going. Some places it's like the only thing you got going is the fact that there's a good sandwich at the grocery store or whatever. Right. It's like we may not be high on the list of educational opportunities, but let me tell you where you can get a drive-through and be blessed like right you will not have a job if you live here but you can have boiled peanuts from the gas station that's what we can't there's not a gay bar for 50 miles but the best like sandwich fried chicken you've ever had right what is uh what is the big rivalry where you're from

ryan do you remember um i've seen like i've seen a lot of arguments about like which play like i remember where there was like a when i was in chicago harold's was a place that i really like and defended over something else but i like honey butter is the other one right yeah honey butter those were some of the ones that i saw but i'm always like it's really many. Honey butter is the other one, right? Yeah. Honey butter. Those were some of the ones that I saw, but I'm always like, it's really not that serious, but it's amusing to watch people do that.

It's extremely amusing. And I love being a part of it just because I like to fight. I love drama. So I like to, I like to throw, even if someone's saying something I agree with, I'll be like, well, what about this other thing?

It's kind of fun, you know? Yeah. It's fun unless you're the person. Exactly. Caleb's mad at me now. Caleb's fighting with me on the pod with his eyes no no no it's just um i thought i thought that that was extremely telling and i start completely crying um no i agree with this and also what i uh what i would like aliens to take away from this edition ultimately is i think the pettiness of human relations the like the it ultimately amounts to absolutely nothing nobody gets more money more sex more years to live by winning this argument

but it's really important to a lot of us. And I think that is beautifully human. Right. I just I think that I agree with that because we went from like fighting each other as cavemen with like sticks and clubs to like passive aggressive emails and tweets. And such a short evolutionary period of time that I just find that fascinating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It really happened really quick. Yeah. Imagine that rivalry in caveman time.

They're like, no, dude, the best the best beef is on this side of the prairie you know yeah the best saber tooth is really around the corner yeah you will not find better berries than the one in that bush you know three trees to the left with three trees and seven paces over northeast shall we proberry proberry agenda on this episode right i love berries and you've known that for years i honey you knew i was a snake when you picked me up wait you know what my my the funniest cereal is to me is oops all berries i love thinking that this is a cereal yeah it's the cap and crunch berries that they took out the cap and crunch just the berries but it's not berries it's like berry flavor Yeah, it's the Cap'n Crunch berries that they took out the Cap'n Crunch and just the berries.

But it's not berries. It's like berry flavor, whatever. But it's so funny that they were like, oops, oops, all berries. It's hilarious to imagine that this cereal was a mistake in the factory. Does the all berries still like fuck up the roof of your mouth? Yes. And it is so funny for them to be like, factory mistake, all berries. Put it out anyway. Fix it is so funny for them to be like, factory mistake, all berries. What's up, babe?

Put it out anyway. Fix it. Yeah. No, it was just really funny to think about the first part of the name of food being called oops. Oops? Yeah. Oops.

Oops. Whoops. Oh, fuck. Look what we've done. Oh, shit. Shit, fuck. Shit, fuck. We did we've done. Oh, shit. Shit, fuck. Shit, fuck. We did the conveyor wrong this time.

Right. Berries. The Midwestern version is ope. Ope. All berries. Oh, gosh. All berries. Our bad.

F. There's all berries. We didn't mean to. Oh, F. Only berries. Ryan, what's next on your records? So the other thing that I would keep would be people forgetting they're on mute on Zoom calls. Because after being in a pandemic for two years, it is amazing just how folks are still at war with the mute button. And everyone does that little silent dance of like, oh, I forgot.

And then they, that I enjoy that choreography so much. And I, like I laugh at it, but I'm, I'm still doing it. I almost did it for this, but that to me is just another beautifully human thing of like, we're not meant to communicate this way.

So we just fuck it up every single time. We'll never get it right. Well, and then they'll, and then they'll, and then they'll be like, they'll, they'll acknowledge it and be like, I do the little dance you're talking about. And then when they get off mute and then they'll and then they'll be like they'll they'll acknowledge it and be like i do the little dance you're talking about

and then when they get off mute they'll be like they'll be like oh suck on the stone ages i guess no but i was just saying that if we can't make more money next quarter layoffs like yeah there really is such a there is such a set formula for how to get out of that situation that everyone's just adopted and at this point it could just be like you be quiet for a second you press the button but nobody does everyone does the like frantic hands in the air like oh my god ah where do i press i'm sorry sorry like apologizing mute i'm sorry i'm sorry and then doing it and And then doing it and then be like, woof. And then yeah, some joke can't figure out computers. Huh?

And then you move on. I just lean in and you can go life is hell. And then I haven't had my coffee yet anyway. And you're like, Oh God. Okay. Yeah, it is.

I'm, I'm consistently on, uh, for work. I'm consistently on zooms with like 20 plus people and it is, whoo. It's funny. It is. It's just like a constant like and you also too it's really um when you're on a zoo like i don't know how many people are have jobs where you have to be on zoom from like truly 9 a.m to 4 p.m like you're like

on the screen the whole day but you really notice when someone's camera goes off and you can't help but be like what where did they go what did they you know i mean like you you notice people in such a way like someone snuck out of a room with 20 people you wouldn't really notice you know what i mean right it's like were they taken do we need to call liam neeson like what exactly is going on right and you have to learn so much about people's lives this way too like they'll be like they'll be like oh sorry my sick grandma in the next room and it's like what the fuck you're like whoa what and then you're like anyway the joke i was thinking was like farts coming out of his nose and you're like what what about your grandma babe what about grandma the the equal but opposite thing to me is in like a large

zoom when someone has forgotten to mute that is equally funny to me oh yeah i i've learned so much about people's interior lives like i've learned a lot about the health of people's marriages by forgetting that they were like yeah you hear them like yell to someone and you're like oh god and the speaker whoever has the floor has to be like, I think someone is not muted. Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. No, Cheryl. Fuck. You have to say, I think, despite the fact that Zoom says at the top, Cheryl is talking.

I think someone, maybe me. I think, sorry, if we could all just, I'm talking to drown out the noise. Someone. I'm talking to drown out the noise Someone I like to do I like to do little bits on Zoom where I pretend that I didn't know my audio Was on so it'll be like a quiet Moment and I'll like no one's Talking like we'll be on like a break or something and I'll

Turn my audio back on and be like no Tell them I don't get out of bed for less than 10 million And I like to do and then everyone Thinks I'm taking a really big business call And that's that's just something for me that i like to do it's fun i'll call you back oprah yeah yeah i gotta go back to this i gotta go back to the zoom writers room i can't have sex with everybody on the list right now and you know and then it's like oprah gail gail oprah gail i will get through this okay i'll come hook up with you guys after work. I'm hooking up with Oprah Gill and Stedman.

That actually sounds lovely. Does it? I think it would be a good time. It sounds really affirming. It does. I bet it would be spiritually enriching. Yeah. That's the secret.

Yeah. Like, I don't think it would be fun, but I think I would get a lot out of it emotionally and spiritually. Like, how was the sex? I don't know know but i feel healed physically it was very okay but the other things that it gave me are well worth a million dollars right i'm gonna call my mom like that's yeah yeah what if having sex with people you respect the secret wow wow wait wow when is that book dropping when and let's have that conversation in my next novel novelle but they're not ready for that i love y'all aren't ready for that

conversation i think that's one of the funniest things we've created in the last decade y'all aren't ready for that conversation is so funny because it's always about this like the shit it's always about shit that the conversation has number one fully been happening and number two is not that person's place to start a conversation around like it's always so out of place and it's like how ready are we not for the conversation it seems like you've started one right and also if people weren't really ready you wouldn't have 17 000 retweets on this it seems like people are actually dying to have that conversation and maybe already seem pretty primed yeah the prime the prime people are mid convo people are pausing their conversation to react to your tweet about this hold on i'm talking

about this i want to go back i want to show my support for this because i'm currently talking about it well ryan i think is that uh i think that's the end of your record no sadly oh my god oh my god fuck it's hard to say goodbye just a little dream girls uh ryan you've been an incredible guest please tell people where they can find you and what you're up to. Yes, I am on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok at Ryan underscore Ken underscore Axe. Some stuff down the pipeline. I've got a Google Doc open for something I'm supposed to be writing after this. But I'll let y'all know as soon as there's something for you to tune in and watch. I promise.

Y'all, Ryan is so funny. Go check out their channels. They're so funny. Y'all are so funny. Stop. No, seriously, if I could be an emotional, sentimental queer, I admire you all so much. A lot of the courage I have to keep posting videos and putting things out in the world has to do with seeing folks like you.

Because it's this weird thing. It's this weird thing of not being afraid to be seen trying in public. It's so vulnerable, but like, I just really, really appreciate it. And I'm so grateful that you would have me here. We love you. And it's, it's, you're right. It's the worst part of all of it, but I were, you know what? We're so glad that you do it. We love you. it's it's the honored you're right it's the worst part of all of it but i we're you know what we're so glad that you do it we love you love y'all too ciao for now ciao five stars for now woof and ciao for now i think i made a good song woof and chow for now Chow for now Woof woof and chow for now

Come on vocalist Mike you know what to do Mike make that a full track bitch That was the first time I called Mike bitch Let's end the episode I'm getting out of control Bye That was the person I called Mike Bitch. Let's end the episode. I'm getting out of control. Bye. That was a HitGum original.