Keeping Records - One of Our Funniest Murderers (with Jamie Loftus)

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welcome back. We have perhaps never meant it to more??? Keeping Records is all the way back, with the new EJ and the old Shelby and all that record-making you love or hate or agree with or disagree with or tolerate. And could we have asked for a better first guest back than comedian/writer/podcaster-to-the-stars Jamie Loftus? No we could not. Finally all together in the studio, the gang puzzled over some really important questions like: Should you get a pet snake? (No.) Should one have sex with their car? (Only if the car is cool/souped up.) Why is Australia scary but New Zealand not scary? (Unsure.) And other questions that are really worth considering!!! Jamie's Artifacts Jamie's mom's 30th birthday video (Audio-visual) Lemony Snickett Books (Book Series) The Jinx (2015 Documentary Series) The Volcano Couple (Historical Figures) Going to the bathroom right before or after doing something significant and looking in the mirror and being like remember this!!!! (Feeling) The Court Scene From I, Tonya (Film Scene) The Hot Dog episode of How It's Made (Audio-visual) Follow Jamie on Twitter and Instagram be sure to listen to Ghost Church wherever you get your podcasts! Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello and greetings to everyone! Peace be upon you! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth.

Well, well, well, well, well. Look what we have here. Look what the cat dragged in. This isn't Caleb. I bet you're wondering what happened to Caleb. Because that looks a lot like EJ. No, for real.

Seriously, it is me, EJ. Welcome to the podcast. Hey, thanks, Shelby. This is going to be an experiment in what it feels like to be both a guest and host. Such a good point, yeah. The only person to ever do that is Grace Kuhlenschmidt. Because once she filled in for Caleb when he was gone. Totally.

Yeah, I think I'm going to sort of toe the line. I'm going to waffle. I just wanted to figure out a way to use the word waffle. And thank you for doing it. What I want the listeners to know is that I was going to try and lie to you, but I've decided not to. Okay. We are recording this after we already recorded the episode. We know exactly what is about to happen to you.

Usually we don't. Usually we are as oblivious to what's coming as you are. Not today. So how'd it go? Oh, my God. Well, you guys buckle up. I mean, it's gonna get... I don't wanna say... Yeah, there was a... I mean, you know me.

Waterworks. Yeah, they call me Waterpark. So, get ready for those sorts of memories what's the water park called at six flags no one in the room knows i actually don't know there's a name i didn't grow up to going to six flags i went to an indoor water park in clackamas oregon um Was it called Great Wolf Lodge? I wish. It was called like

the Rec Center. I don't know. It was called the Rec. It was called the JCC. It was a little something. Hurricane Harbor. That's what they call EJ. Yeah, they call me Hurricane

Harbor. Yeah. No, EJ did really amazing. You're going to really love what you hear. Thank you. You're going to love the way you look. I guarantee it. How's everything going? How's your week? My week? What day is it?

Thursday. Yeah, where are we? For us. Not? Thursday. It's, yeah, where are we? For us. Not for you. It's Friday for you, probably. Unless you're listening late. TGIF, you guys. Weeks ahead.

Yeah, but eventually it'll be a Friday. We hope. If something, here's what I will say. If something bad happens in the world and we didn't address it, it's because we recorded this really long before so if we go to war with china yeah between now and when this episode drops we didn't know it yet nancy pelosi just got back from taiwan literally just got back she might still be on the plane it's like we don't like we are living in a state of euphoric bliss like there's nothing remember how you felt on where we're at today

which is i think like the fourth and on the fourth fourth, you were just like, LOL, Nancy Pelosi maybe just started World War III. And if we're in it, we didn't know that yet. We couldn't know that yet because it didn't happen. And neither of us can predict the future. No, we can't time travel yet. And yeah, so I just want to apologize for potentially not addressing the world we're in right now. That's the last thing I want to do. And thank you, by the way, for listening whilst, I guess, running.

And I think it's important that you do listen because it's always important to put a little joy into your life. Even when things are really bad. Yeah. Take care of yourselves. Self-care. Self-care is super big. Yeah. It's huge or it was when we were recording this.

So back in, yeah, whenever we recorded this. When we recorded this, self-care was really in. The rhetoric was constantly shifting. But at that moment, self-care was really in. Yeah. And so maybe it'll be like if you're doing self-care, really in. The rhetoric was constantly shifting, but at that moment, self-care was really in. Yeah, and so maybe it'll be like, if you're doing self-care, that's selfish. Okay.

Okay. We didn't know that. We did not know. I promise you that. Yeah. If it turns into you have to do other people care, we will probably go with the flow of that.

Yeah. But right now... You know us. We're not going to do a different thing. You know, like, we're going to be doing the right thing. We're not a beat your own drum kind of duo. We beat the drums of everybody else.

I'm marching to the beat of whoever's drumming. Somebody's drumming. I'm marching. I'm not. I promise you this. I'm not grabbing a stick. No. God, if the river's flowing, I'm not swimming against the rain.

You know, I'm just, I'm headed. I'm not a salmon. No, I, no, you're not. Salmons go upstream. Did you know that? No, I know. Yeah, I'm from Oregon. Did you guys know that? Yeah.

I learned that from Futurama. That's awesome. I actually, growing up in Oregon, we had many, many school units on salmon. It was like every single year. I'm not kidding. It was a refresher on salmon. In Ohio, we were more focused on, I think, how many presidents were born there. Sure.

A lot. That explains a lot about you. I'm pretty sure. All you Ohio freaks out there. Little Ohio freaks. Presidential. Yeah. And obviously presidents have always been good.

Oh, geez. Again with the, yeah. I mean, Shelby's thinking a lot about America today. No, I'm not actually. I almost never am. I kind of forget where I live, you know? How's your week been, Shelby? I made myself paneer masala the other day.

It's the first time in my life. Oh, my God. You did a pretty good job. What? I was shocked. I did the tomato, the onion, the garlic. I put peas in there, which maybe, I don't know if that's kosher, but it's what I did the tomato, the onion, the garlic. I put peas in there, which maybe, I don't know if that's kosher, but it's what I did. I wanted a veggie in there. And when

I've bought in places, there's usually not that many veggies. I think they're kind of like, that's for, you know, you order vegetables if you want them. Yeah, maybe on the side. But so I made it. I was shocked by how it turned out. Wow. I think – I mean, wow. So you ate it and you went, wow, I made this pretty darn good.

Well, yeah, I really expected it to be so bad. Yeah. I made it intentionally by myself because I was like if I make this with someone else, they'll have to eat it. And I don't think I'm going to do a good job. Yeah. But I blew my mind. Whoa. She only blew her own mind this week. that's awesome yeah yeah i um yeah i cook i i made myself a sausage this morning from scratch or just in the

just on the pan that's all i was just trying to like next time maybe get a casing out yeah i'll try i mean maybe grind some and get a casing out and then come to the podcast and talk about it. That's a little foreshadowing. Yeah. That's a little. We're planting a little seed. And you're only going to know if you listen all the way through this little podcast because it happens way at the end, you little freaks.

Yeah. And it's going to be good. You're not going to want to miss this. What? Anya gave me a mean look. Judgmental, I would call it I'm not getting in the middle this time I refuse

Anya's playing a little game today Where she gives me a judgmental look And then when I ask her about it She acts like I'm bullying Now she's pissed No for real Anya and I are very close friends. You guys are really close.

I mean, it was kind of crazy when she held up that sign that made no sense and you asked what it meant and she was like, what? I think Anya and I, as friends, she thinks maybe I can read her mind in a way that I can't. Because you're so, so close. Yeah. She thinks maybe I can read her mind in a way that I can't. Yeah, because you're so, so close. So sometimes she's like, and she's like, my best friend would understand. Yeah. And I'm kind of like. And you're trying your best. She's dancing.

Yeah. She's dancing. She's doing a classic dance. Do you remember when, and I think probably there are groups of people still doing this, but when like there was a fad of dancing that was kind of just like... The arms. It was big arm-centric. So, yeah, so for those listening,

kind of what Shelby's doing right now is a sort of... Don't go to YouTube, stay on the app. I would describe it as sort of a braiding of arms. Braiding her arms, unbraiding, braiding again. And just moving them around. And moving them around, yeah. Yeah, so I don't really know what that is, but I do kind of – I've seen people do that before. I know there's the Fortnite that's like –

Is that dabbing? No. Okay, now you've lost me. I completely... Why is... Fortnite does dances. I've never played Fortnite. I don't understand why they're dancing.

Me neither. Is it not a dance game? Yeah, they dance when they kill someone. And then it's like, yeah. So... Imagine watching a murder. And then after, the murder is just like yeah you're like oh that's not what i expected you're you're on the warfield first of all

first shocker aliens come down to earth they're on the battlefield warfield warfield um they're on the battlefield. First thing that shocks them, there's like a flautist. There's like a musician for the war. That will always blow my mind why we ever did that. It doesn't make any sense. It's so stupid. Musicians, I love you.

You shouldn't be on the battleground. You should be protected. You're a protected class in my mind. Totally. That's the first thing I think would shock the aliens. It's like, oh, they're about to fight, so they're playing music? And then how funny would it be if while they were watching it, every time a soldier killed someone, they were just like. They did a little dancey dance.

With the biting the lip. Nope. The music's already gone because the flutist comes on and then leaves so this is just no music just being like like feeling it just like another life taken no remorse

so So, yeah. This is an anti-war podcast. It's an anti-war podcast, yeah. All peace. Nothing but the peace. All peace and love. For real. No, what else has happened this week for you?

Well, I don't know if you know this but um i'm i know you don't know i'm i'm trying to the the i'm trying to buy a car right now the um i know everyone's like yes talk more about it yeah so i'm trying to buy a car right now um it's actually the worst time in history to buy a car i don don't know if people know this, but a little fun fact for the little freaks. They're hard to find because of shipment stuff. But also, I mean, and because of that,

the market's really tight, so cars are actually, for the first time ever, sort of appreciating in value. I know. I'm trying to maybe sell my car because I'm like, wait, hold on. Well, the freaks know this about me and cars. Yeah. My mom has offered me – my grandma died and she had a car and we – something about it being like in the will or in the trust or something.

Whatever. We have to keep it for two years. Okay. At least. And my mom was like, will you take it? And I was like, well, I'd have to sell my car. And originally I was like, that sounds really bad. You could turn – Now I'm like, now hold on. My car already holds value really well. And now it's going up in value. It's going up in value. Yeah. So I'd

have to take on a, and I know the freaks want me to do it, a little Volkswagen bug convertible, cherry red. I'm, yeah. Anya's in favor. You definitely gotta do that. It probably gets better gas mileage in your car. Yeah, obviously. Okay. Well, I'm just saying. Anya's in favor. You definitely got to do that. It probably gets better gas mileage in your car. Yeah, obviously. Okay. Well, I'm just saying that's my big thing. A little fun fact about me, little freaks, you can know this now. Before you couldn't.

I have a, my current car is a 1999 Volvo convertible, which sounds maybe cool. You might be like, oh, that's awesome. But it gets 12 miles to the gallon. Which is less than my Toyota 4Runner. Yeah. Also noteworthy is something – there's many things wrong with it contributing to the low gas mileage. So anyway, all of those beautiful little factors are causing me to go into used car dealerships and say, here's my budget,

which is a normal budget. I'm not going to say it. It's a normal budget. It's $200,000. My budget. In cash, no. I'm like, look, I could finance something quite modest. And they're like, we have nothing.

And they literally turn away from me and don't talk to me. Which really turns on its head the used car salesman like trope of being like well let's see what we can get you into. This little piece of shit is actually unbelievable when you get her on the road. Instead they're like we have nothing.

Everything is really terrible for you. They're like I don't even want to look at your disgusting face. I'm like whoa that's I mean sure but okay. You get really mean to them. You're like I don't even want to look at your disgusting face I'm like whoa that's I mean sure but okay mine is you get really mean to them you're like mine people actually

go to my pages online to look at my face what am I doing for you they want to be here for the cars right Anya's asking us to wrap up the intro

because she has a meeting Anya has had a meeting now it's been going on for three minutes yeah four minutes six minutes ten minutes ten minutes oopsie the intro because she has a meeting. Anya has had a meeting. Now it's been going on for three minutes. Four minutes, six minutes, ten minutes. Ten minutes. Oopsie. Oop. The ten minute police.

These classic guys pull up in their cars. Yeah, but Casey didn't give me anything. Oh, he's been texting me like, You guys text like, You guys text behind our backs? Yeah, sorry, listeners.

We're hearing for the first time that Casey and Anya talk shit about us while we're in the room with them. The last time that happened to me, I was 12. And mine too. We're trying to make you guys have a little bit of joy in your day. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Nobody wants to laugh. We're in the room sweating hard.

Sweating out of our minds. Drenched. Drenched in sweat. Because we're trying so hard to bring a little joy into your lives. And while we're doing this, we're working the hardest

we've ever worked. Anya and Casey are over there being like, Jesus Christ, when will they shut up? Right. So when you think like, wow, podcasting is probably really easy, just know that it's not. Like there's a lot of other things happening in the room. And I'm going to cry again.

And EJ frankly just hopped into this. It is finding out that sometimes it's actually a rule in which you get bullied pretty relentlessly. And they bring up like personal stuff. They're going to cut a lot of it. I know that. They're going to cut a lot of the stuff that they were saying. The majority of the stuff we're saying. But they were not kind.

And they took, like there are things that I've said in passing on this podcast that they seem to have written down to bring up. I mean, it was bleak. And again, I know they're going to delete it so you're not going to hear it, but it just was messed up. It was messed up. It was messed up.

I weren't going to. I'm just being really unkind today. I guess you stressed about a meeting, but listen. It's like, oh, okay, let's all meet then if you ever so successful meeting. What? That's fine.

It's the first one with EJ. Let it happen. I'm working stuff out. Wow. And then this thing happened. You're not going to believe this. I've got to say, it doesn't make it easier when we have to address what you're saying. Anyway, yes, we have a wonderful guest today.

So awesome. You know her from being a comedian. You know her from being a writer. And you know her from being a podcaster. A podcaster. She's got stuff like My Year in Mensa, The Bechdel Cast. Ghost Church. Ghost Church. Ghost Church.

She's just so funny. She's writing a book about hot dogs. What? What could be better than that? Put everything you've got on ya together. On ya. On ya. I was like, why did you say on ya?

No, on space ya. Put everything you've got on your person. Our producer, Anya. Put your hands, fins, and paws together for our guest today. Jamie Loftus. Sometimes you just don't have to. Sometimes you just. I don't resent you at all.

No, yeah, and me to you neither. Yeah, the vibes have been The vibes in here have been awesome. Yeah, so as you can tell the vibes are really good. Are we recording? We're rolling.

We're recording. Whoa, we're recording. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jamie, welcome. Hi. Hi. We'll do a whole intro before we get in.

Wait, whoa, the camera's on. Our intro will be separate yeah um okay we haven't recorded it yet but i promise you it's gonna be so nice it's gonna be so crazy really stressful to know when the intro is gonna happen after you leave because then you're like the second i leave then the real impressions are gonna come out well yeah then Then I'm like, so this episode's a little different. This episode. Oh, you wanted to have a nice time. I can say that.

You're going to want to listen alone. I've done that before where like people have like left the studio after a guest and then like me and my co-host will look at each other and be like, wow, that one was, that one was brutal. That was difficult. That was difficult. And so, yeah. Or people will be like, this episode, we had a different energy. wow that one was that one was brutal that was difficult that was difficult and so yeah or people will be like

this episode we had a different energy due to the state of the world yeah things are you know so

yeah afterwards then you have to address it in the end you yeah like you recorded the episode January June 23rd.

June 25th you record the thing and you're like, June 24th was when they repealed Roe v. Wade, in case anyone didn't know. And we're kind of joking about it in this episode and then it turned out it actually really did happen. I want to note that at some point we do make a couple of jokes

about like what if and we were being kind of tasteless. At the time of jokes about, like, what if the end we were being kind of tasteless. At the time of recording, we did not know what was coming ahead. And we do regret. But we kept it in. To be honest, it was gold. It was really good stuff. Because some of those jokes really hit. Yeah.

And we couldn't cut it without it sounding a little weird. We considered, like, getting rid of this episode. But then we realized, you but then we realized this is kind of a chronicle of how we once felt. And it's kind of now something from a world that no longer exists. Yes, and also it was a big guest for us. And also if we scrapped the episode, huge bummer. Because the scheduling of that one took forever. Busy, busy. huge bummer because the scheduling of that one took forever so busy busy so we did keep it in but we hope you guys

understand that we don't feel like how we felt how we felt a couple days ago has shifted is how we felt and it's not how we feel now

I mean we feel like and and in a way it is we're done editing so we're evolving and so should you have a nice

enjoy the rest of this rest anyway enjoy the episode um i was saying this to ej earlier and i just want to sort of pulse check when you scratch your when you ask someone to scratch your back and they don't put their whole energy into it isn't that one of the worst feelings in the world. Yes. It's a weeding question here. Yes. Wow. I think yes. I was thinking the other day. Someone had to scratch my... First of all, I purchased on the internet a set of back scratchers so I could handle things.

Like the claw? Yeah. This one's bamboo. Ooh. Not to brag. Nice. Yeah. But yeah, it came in a set of three.

You couldn't buy just one like the lengths are different like what's the one in my desk drawer one in my bedside table and one in my living room how big is your apartment

you need to 700 square feet so you know no matter where I am right I'm in arm's reach I'm really I I in our age of relief.

I can always scratch my back. And I rely on nobody. That's comforting in a way. But also if someone came over, I would be absolutely sure that there was zero of them out. Maybe one. But if you have the wrong person over and then you have a back scratcher out it could become a disaster yeah i'm so sorry could you describe like the disaster you're imagining is that what sort of would ensue i'm imagining like someone coming over who you're

like a new friend a new friend comes over and you're like gonna have lunch for a new friend to discover that i have three or for a new friend to like you I have three back scratchers. Or for a new friend to, like, you're like, okay, it's new. There's quirks to this person I'm not aware of. One of them would be like, they'd be like, oh, a back scratcher. And then would just grab it and start using it. Like, that's the scenario I jumped to, was someone taking your back scratcher

and being like, oh my god, I have such an itch. In my opinion, that's gross. That's disgusting. I would be mortified. I don't know what to call it. That's news to me, so noted. Someone else is using their back stretcher. I think it is a personal use. Because we're imagining the skin follicles.

Well, because the reason your back probably itches is dry skin. The back is a place of your body that is really hard to moisturize, and so I think that it's really the itching is dry skin. Do you use it on your bare back so that was also kind of my question as well yeah i've never i think it was more i think it's a mental blockage for me okay where i'm just like it doesn't work the same over the shirt especially because it's not the metal one with the tiny

little fingernails because those freak me out that That's like having a ferret scratch your back and I don't want that. This has kind of thick. It's thick. Okay. It's like a bamboo hook and that has little slits that might as well not be there. I mean they don't actually. Oh, like the impressions of fingers but not actual fingers. Interesting.

Pretty much. So it's just sort of the ledge is what's giving you the itching. I don't love – if I could go back in time, I'd buy different ones. But I can't be buying more back scratchers, right? Like, you can do the one purchase. Right. But I'm not supposed to last you sort of your lifetime. Okay.

Right. Especially in a set of three. It's like, if one person has got two more, it's like I shouldn't have to buy them ever again. So I'm not going to go back online and be like, well, you know, let me get one with better fingers. Yeah. So I have what I have. And when you're over a shirt, because it's just that one little ledge, it's really just sort of moving your shirt around. And that I can do with my hands.

Yeah. Yeah. That I'm sort of, I'm moving shirts around. Oh, I do it constantly. Look at this. Shifting. And it's different. Yeah different when you get under there. So wait, EJ, would you not be bothered if someone came over and started using a back scratcher?

If it was over the clothes. If it was over? Over the clothes? Yeah. You can do whatever you want to my stuff over your clothes. See, maybe I'm a prude and that would ha – and I would – that would haunt me forever. New friend using my back scratcher. Well, I think I will say the new friend reaching for it and using it right away is the problem.

It's not the act. Like the use of it is neither here nor there. It's the impulse. It's the recognition. I own it and I'd be bothered if someone recognized exactly what it was. Close friend, not a problem. In fact, I would scratch a close friend's back for them. With my hands.

Right. Let's get rid of the middle hand. And what I'm saying is I would put my energy into it. I would say where. I would say to the left or to the right. When you're, like, to the right and someone goes, like, up, you're like, well, you don't care. You're not listening to me care you're not listening to me because ultimately what i've asked you to do seems to be a major inconvenience to you

right i mean the worst is that maybe with the other hand they're scrolling on their phone they're not paying attention they're sort of watching tv they're like oh yeah no i'll do that this limp hand get out of my back like don't even never talk to me again honestly limp hand not putting your if you're gonna say yes to can you scratch my back. Like, don't even, never touch me again, honestly. Limp hand, not putting your, if you're going to say yes to can you scratch my back, I have an itch, get into it. It lasts so much shorter if you really put your energy in. Right. It could be over like this. But you're making it last two, three hours?

Drumming your fingers in my back. So all of a sudden, we're four hours in, you're mad at me for some reason. I had an ex-boyfriend who did that, who was like, he played the baritone saxophone. And sometimes he would like embrace me and then start to. Like in his sleep or like. No, no. Just during a hug. Okay, I find that kind of sweet.

Are we mixed on that? It would have been so funny if you would make sounds. If he started, you would be like, You just tried to, you were like, I think that's O.C. Sharp. No, he would do like, do, do, do, do, do. And then he'd be like, that was Claude Bowling. Oh, that was awesome. Well, I would never nail the tune. I'd be able to get something out there.

I thought it was so romantic at the time. You did or he did? I did, but I was like 16. He just still does. I do. I'm going to be honest. Yeah, I think it's romantic. I think he just still does think it's romantic.

Yeah, so I'm swept up in the romance. I swept off my feet. I'm always looking to become an object to my partner. I'm into role play where I'm an object and they're a person and I get used completely. I think that that's reclaiming a narrative. Yeah. I'm always looking to be something. Because ultimately he probably loved the baritone saxophone.

Such a good point. He literally dumped me for it. So there you go. Wait. True life. I'm in love with my baritone saxophone. Such a good point. He literally dumped me for it. So there you go. Wait. True life. I'm in love with my baritone saxophone. Wow. When?

The episode. TLC? Ugh. I mean, hit the cutting room floor. Been real quiet since this episode dropped. It was too real. Drop it. Even silent, weirdly.

I don't know if it was the intro or... TLC's been really quiet since we brought this up. You guys used to DM me all the time. No. Did you guys watch a lot of True Life or not at all? I didn't. I wish I missed the heyday. I've seen so much of it because there's nothing that gets me more wrapped up than watching,

no offense to the little freaks listening, but little freaks doing some freaky shit. Yeah. There's a woman that used to just eat her dead husband's ashes. Crazy. Whoa. Oopsie. Oopsie. You watch.

I'm just a little freak. There's like eight rocks. Yeah, that scared the shit out of me. I watched the paper, toilet paper woman. Was that? Did she eat it? I heard about it. A lot of it was eating.

That was a lot of, okay. There was one guy who was like really in love with his car and he would fuck it through the tailpipe. I do remember that one. I don't know why it sounded so significant to me. He has a red like smiling car. Yeah. What kind of car? I don't know.

Not a nice one. I always thought if you were going to fuck a car, at least make it expensive. It should be Quikamazurati. Yeah. Even if it's, like, not one of those, like, cool vintage cars you see around L.A. even, but, like. Yeah, if I saw someone fucking one of those, I wouldn't blink. I'd be like, that makes sense. You got your hands on it.

Make it worth it. Yeah. But there's a limited supply. You're going to get something out of it. It's like, yeah, I fuck those cars. Oh, yeah. When I see them in a parking lot. You gotta get something out of it. It's like, can I fuck those cars? Oh, yeah. When I see them in a parking lot, I flirt a little. But his was like, truly like, 1998 Corolla.

Wow. Good for the Corolla. Cheers. Hats off. But I don't think you're trying to fuck it either and if you are DM me questions we need to talk yeah

we need to do like a call in you can't come into the studio because your energy seems to be off putting and Shelby would hit on your car well not the Corolla come in with I don't know an old volkswagen rabbit oh yeah now we're talking wow um i was like i don't think i could name a second

type of car so that was really exciting yeah also those mercedes like the mercedes the vintage were sadie uh like um you got it wagons that I see everywhere. I'm like, those are cool. Someone can flirt with that. Yeah, totally. But this guy would like stand around his car and like flirt. Oh, so. Hit on it.

Like he was in love with it. That's like an objectum sexuality thing. Yeah. That's really fascinating. I think this maybe episode was about being in love with objects and not specifically fucking your car because there was another woman who married a roller coaster. Yeah. And then there's –

And that's legal? Erica Eiffel. It's like more of a ceremony thing. Like it's a private – Like you can't share taxes with a roller coaster. Although imagine because they're – one of my like most favorite people is Erica Eiffel who married the Eiffel Tower. And imagine how rich you would be if you could actually marry the Eiffel Tower. That's a really rich husband.

Do people pay money to the Eiffel Tower? Or do you pay money to get up there? Do you get up on the Eiffel Tower? I've never traveled. Yeah, you can like take an elevator or you can use – you can take the stairs. Really? Which is horrific. I don't agree with that.

Oh, okay. So no, we're not doing that. I did it when I was 18 and I think I just like ended being like, I don't care. I don't care what's up here. Yeah. Once you get there, it's like, awesome. Well, I just almost died for this. Yeah.

But it's kind of like amazing what's up there because they have those freaky mannequins up there. If you get to the top of the Eiffel Tower, there's mannequins. They shouldn't have those. What are they doing up there? Having dinner? Kind of. Like they're behind glass. It's supposed to be like Mr. Eiffel and his daughter.

They're just like hideous mannequins. I guess I'm realizing that I don't really even understand the history of the Eiffel Tower. I know nothing about it. Like everything I know I'm wearing right now. I'm like, wait, we didn't give them the Eiffel Tower. They gave us the Statue of Liberty. Yeah, that's it. And we didn't give them back the Eiffel Tower.

They're separate. There was no exchange. And it's even gift exchange, though. You have to agree. It's true. It's true. If gift exchange though you have to agree it's true it's true it's true in that way yeah

both huge sort of yeah you get a tourist there yeah they're huge they're I mean

wow wow wow yeah when you see them you go no way you guys made that

who made that yeah both are kind of like iconic parts of their cities. Paris, you're like, that's Eiffel Tower. New York, well, actually maybe a little less. France, step it up. Because I think you can kind of get involved with the skyline with New York.

You can get in line with Empire State Building. Kind of has its moment. Totally. I know that one, yeah. Getting on a boat and going to the Statue of Liberty. It's not quite like it. Dude, the Statue of Liberty is big. Really big. getting on a boat going to the statue of liberty it's not quite like it dude the statue of liberty is

big really big if you haven't seen it I gotta tell you it's bigger than you think I've never seen it up close oh it's actually so much bigger

than you think I want to like it's really crazy this is like pivoting to like extreme nationalism it's actually so beautiful

it's actually amazing and by the way America offers a lot of benefits that other countries can't give you. It symbolizes. And that's why there's still an American dream, even though it's a flawed country. Look, we're saying this text for me. You guys know my real feelings. It's bad.

No one's arguing. But it's, you know. Who else has the gorgeous Lady Liberty? Lady Liberty. Yeah. There are some things. National parks. Yeah.

So, listen, Jamie, we brought you here for a reason. Yeah. And it was not to praise America. Okay. That's a part of every episode. That would be a wild tweet. They're like, so what do you love about this country? So we're sending something to aliens and saying we want them to know that we're the best.

You was. Here on the Praise America pod. Yeah, permanently on the records, it's a group of white men at a bar yelling USA. Is that okay? Yeah. I feel like it's like an Irish pub and it makes no sense. Yeah. No, I actually think I would delete that.

But. Me too. We brought you here for a reason. we're sending some stuff to the aliens okay what's the first thing you would put on your records oh man I'm trying to figure out what where is the best place to start um I thought really hard about this unfortunately no good okay so I guess the first thing I'll show you is a video of my mom's 30th birthday party. The aliens have to have this. It's really important. Okay. So the context for this clip that I revisit often because I can't tell, like, I love it, but also it's, like, really challenging to watch sometimes depending on the day.

Okay. So the context for this clip it's my mom's 30th birthday um she is throwing herself a surprise party walking in pretending to be so surprised wait that's while making someone film it because it was her idea sure but she's just her friend and then at one point my dad and she's wearing like a leather trench coat and a leather hat and then you just watch people get drunker and drunker and drunker for the surprise party she threw for herself does a surprise happen or do we not see that part we don't see it because it because it wasn't a surprise she was like I'm so surprised. And it's like, but she's not because it was her idea.

So anyways. That is so awesome. And her birthday is November 17th. It's a few days early, but yeah. Just checking because I'm too late. Thank you for asking. That's her I refuse to turn 30 outfit. Tammy, someday you might look like that.

I refuse to turn 30 outfit. Tammy, someday you might look like that. I refuse to turn 30 outfit. She can't stop repeating it. I can officially not watch this game. Oh, yeah, people are giving her dolls. She likes dolls? I guess. I love Bugs Bunny. Where is she from?

She's from Massachusetts, can you tell? Yeah, she's ready. I love him, there's no problem. I was like, who gave this woman six hours of Bugs Bunny for her birthday? She got 19 Barbies. Barbies. Barbies. Barbies, sorry.

Oh, my. So she's just kind of like bullying all her friends into having a nice time. Oh. Icon. It's so funny because we've cut so many of these people out of our lives now. That's my favorite. Wow, a huge memory in our lives. There were good times.

We haven't really fallen out with these people. Weird. And then it just kind of ends on this bohemian rhapsody. Who's the guy in the far right? That's my dad. I love him. The way he was dancing earlier. He's really putting everything he has into this party.

Yeah, he really is committed to making it seem like he surprised his wife. That is so... He committed this for her. That's really nice. Oh, she bowed. Okay, that's Jill's 30th birthday. When you add this to the records is there like

uh like the way you prefaced it are you providing like sort of written here's the deal here before you watch this this is the context i'm saying that this was a culture that burned fast and bright um at one time uh and i also just want to preserve how they talk because it's so shocking to hear um and so i feel like i'm sorry i feel like it's a good i noticed you being shocked for the whole clip yeah i'm like that and who's to blame you sorry you get so shocked. It's okay. It's okay. I mean, I'm shocked every single time.

Yeah. Each and every time I watch footage from my mom's 30th birthday. Bobby is like a really – isn't it crazy that you can hear that note that you're saying Barbie and not Bobby? You know. 19 Bobbies? Yeah. 19 Bobbies.

Oh, a Bobby. And you're like, Barbie, I got it. How does that hit the ear? It was really smart. Whoever edited the video, I love because the repetition of this. Thank you so much. I love you so much. Thank you so much.

Jamie did it because this is the way she took that note. Thank you. Wow. I just love the repetition of this is the way she took that note. Wow. The repetition of, this is her refuse to turn 30 outfit. This is her refuse to turn 30 outfit. I said, this is my refuse to turn 30 outfit. This is my refuse to turn 30 outfit. I just told them, this is my refuse to turn 30 outfit.

And you know that there was more of that. It was just her wandering around the house for 20 full minutes telling everyone at the house who were surprising her. I just – the director's cut of that video would be absolutely horrific. Yeah. That was an early pandemic activity for me. It was digitizing old tapes and really just in the trenches. And then you found that. There are things that I feel like my parents have certain

pictures from nights that I'm like, if there's video, I want it burned. Yeah. Ooh. Wait, what is an example of that? I said, yeah,

and then I'm thinking about if that's true for myself. I was like, I can't remember. I was like, that's a pretty normal, cool. No,

I think I mentioned this on one other episode once, but my parents have a photo album from my my dad turned 50 20 years ago okay yeah i'm 29 so i was nine years old i remember we did like a family birthday party for him that was like families were there and my family not to brag but made sort of in private while he was at work a family band to play a song for him whoa okay okay gorgeous that's not being burned i want that we rewrote the lyrics to a whole new world stop oh my god to really discuss sort of what was happening with him which was aging and like phase of life kind of thing.

Did you play an instrument? Yeah, well, not in the family band because I wasn't good enough. My older brother played piano, and so did my mom. And my sister played – no, Harrison must have played guitar. My mom and my sister played piano. And then there was really nothing left for me and my brother, so we just sort of front-banded the band, and we were really singing our hearts out.

Okay. Anyway, that's what I remember as my dad's fan kid. Turns out there was a separate party also. And that was a lot of their friends all went on a trip together to Colorado. And from the photo album, it appears to have been absolutely a swingers weekend. Oh, my God. Or just maybe a sexually open weekend. I mean, everyone's kind of being with everyone. Sure.

Okay. And I've seen photos of it, and I've said, and so for me, if there's videos of that weekend, I just know there's more I don't want to know. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I don't understand.

People just, like, filmed themselves very different back then. Because they couldn't get leaked. Right. They're like, no one will ever see this. That's true. And it's like, unfortunately, I am seeing it. Can digitize it. And I can show anyone I want.

And I have amassed sort of some people online who would love to see it. There's a small enthusiastic group of people that would love to see you humiliate yourself in 1994 which is shocking and I would let them have that moment why would I take that from them

why would I take that from them I wouldn't they want to see it they're curious god a swingers weekend in Colorado wow

yeah I mean it was one inspired I mean it's like yeah I would love to do you know it's like

I would love what they have dare I say a whole new world he really took it like he was like okay here we go yeah it was like they said the kids said it was a whole new world and i'm gonna make sure that they were right and it i mean knowing that there definitely is video because also that was the that was when i feel like and i could be, like 80s, 90s is when like home video recording was like new. So people were like, we got to do this all the time. Oh, yeah. My parents like had to make a big camcorder. Yeah.

Because before that it was like you had to, it had to be a professional recording something if you're getting it recorded. And then it was like, okay, now we can get this in the house. We can bring this home where the heart is. And so they were like, hold on, where the heart is? Famously where the heart is. Where the heart is. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Home is, well, famously where mama is.

It's where the heart is. It's where my mom is. It's where you have three back scratchers. It depends where you consider home. Home is wherever. The Human Records Podcast believes that home is wherever Home is wherever – We have a human records podcast. We believe that home is wherever you want it to be. But, yeah, people were like, wow, we're here.

We should record this. Yeah. And then we were – and anytime something big was happening, whether you actually wanted to relive it again or not, you were like, we got to get this on camera because this is going to be a memory. Yeah. I don't think people thought about any kind of consequences in the way that we – No. I feel like I'm constantly thinking about – Constantly thinking about –

Well, I was watching. I don't know if anyone's watched this and I don't recommend it, honestly, because it's a little bit. But the most hated man on the internet documentary? I have heard so many, like, weird things about it that I haven't watched yet. It's really not a fun thing to watch because he's ultimately a really bad guy okay as advertised but yeah you really i mean you're gonna hate the guy there's one thing you're gonna do you're gonna hate that guy i mean you're really gonna hate him but he um on that it's like a bunch of people who are like, yeah, I took a bunch of – like the long and short of what happened is that he was – ran a website that like posted women's nudes as revenge porn. But he was like, I'm not liable for this because I'm just running a website.

I'm not posting them. And technically like that was a loophole in the law. But then it turned out the reason he ended up getting arrested was because he – and I guess fast forward 15 seconds if you don't want to know. But he was hacking all these people's computers with an accomplice and stealing them out of their private folders and posting them. So a lot of these women were like, I never sent this to anyone. And I don't know how it got posted. And that anyway I'm like

people used to just be taking stuff like there's nothing can happen here. Yeah. And what I've learned in the past week from watching the documentary

is things can happen. Things can definitely happen. And you are not it's not your fault. They do. That is like so villainous but and then also you're like

that's so much work. So much work. I mean but he was making so much money. Ugh. God. I mean, but he was making so much money. Oh, God. Because advertisers were going to – every time someone – because the biggest problem with the website was that he was also posting – it wasn't just pictures. It was a picture of – it was their pictures, their full name, and their social media profiles. Oh, my God.

So this is Shelby Wolstein. Here's her Facebook. Here's a picture of her clothes. And here's a picture of her naked. And people were just like, wow. And then he wouldn't take it down. Oh, my God. I have been checked out from Netflix True Crime for a while.

And it's always fun if you check out for a while and then you go back and there's just some of the most demented things. They get worse and worse it was there's a new one coming out that i like burst into like there there's one coming out that's just called i just killed my dad it came up on the screensaver believe what this girl does it came up on the screensaver the other day and i was like oh they usually give them like an artful like the most hated man on the internet or like like mystique to the title i'm gonna watch that one though it's good it works yeah they're not even pretending they're just like hey you watch this right now and then i googled it and it was like the description was just as like blunt it was like

so and so killed their dad but the question was always why but she wants to tell her side of the story she's like yeah so I killed my dad that's how it starts she goes I bet you're wondering how I got here well 1984 I might have killed my dad that's kind of a funny story

let's back it up a little and everyone likes they do it like a sitcom it's her dad being kind of mean to her and then we hear an audience like I do it like a sitcom. It's her dad being kind of mean to her. It's the end I pulled out of her bed. And then we hear an audience like. It's like her as a child being like, God, Dad, you're the worst. I'm going to kill you.

It's commentary. And then he's like, no, I don't hate you. I love you in the audience. Oh. Netflix. And then she's like, I grew up rough. And then the dad's like, I don't hate you. I love you in the audio. Oh. Netflix. And then she's like, I grew up rough. And then the dad's like,

I grew up rough. And then it's like, oh, whose side are we on? No, no. And then she kills him and then we're fully on his side. Unquestionable. Yeah.

It's kind of a line. I mean, it's like when Marissa died. I mean, I see it sort of draws a line. Okay. I'm different now. Yeah. I'm different. I forgive her i'm different example yeah i'm different i forgive her for everything all of her sense i forgive her for everything she was really my least favorite character then she died

save she was the best part of the show turns out turns out joe doesn't exist without marissa they tried um failed and with that take a moment to think about that and upside down the clearest thought in the world somehow made less clear by making it upside down we're going to talk to some sponsors how about and we're back.

And you might notice that there's a little thing missing. Throw it in the comments below. What's changed in the studio? There's two changes. If you can guess them. Good job. That would be the perfect podcast scary thing to do. It's like if you notice the differences,

you get one free month of ****. Yeah, I guess. If you took the time to think about this, you get a little bit of therapy because, well... Because, well, look at you. Look at what we've done.

No. I'm going to bleep that advertiser of ours okay i was like that's also an advertiser they can't stop advertising to me they won't buy the advertisements on the podcast but they won't stop asking me to buy mushroom mud um you guys don't know about it no not the mud well no free clap for the girlies so sorry if you little nasties want to be advertised on the pod you know exactly how to purchase that wow yeah well gumball.fm headcups proprietary selling service made just for podcasts Headcups proprietary Selling service

Made just for podcasts What's happening? I don't know I'm not gonna I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

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I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I be clear i'm not good at podcasting um anyway no we're back we're back what is something that i of all of humanity that you're like let's just delete that all together and it doesn't have to be like war it doesn't or famine like it doesn't have to be the big stuff it could be just something like uh the toe socks or something oh yeah i don't know just coming up with that. For a second, I was like, what's something that I would get rid of? And I think it's those. Or the toe shoes.

The toe shoes. Oh, you would get rid of the toe shoes? You would keep them. I would get rid of them, yeah. I would keep them, I think. I don't like the energy of them. Oh, God. This is so –

I forgot to come ready with this. Wait, I need to think of something I don't. They want gone forever. Could be in this room. Forever. We're not talking about you, Anya. You're not wrong. I'm sort of looking around.

It's Anya's water bottle. I'm kidding. We love that you're hydrated. I think, yeah, but what time is it? Yeah. Let's see. Let's see. I i think some people use a sundial i use anya's water bottle let's see it's about 11 a.m i would anya has one of those massive water bottles that's timed through how much you should drink in a day. It's also a sundial on top of you. It's so big that it can be used as a modern sundial. Back to Jamie for what she would delete from the records.

Okay. Jamie? With that time bought by pulling on your water bottle, I have concluded I would get rid of hard seltzer brands that like just have no business making hard seltzer. I think you know it when you see it. Bud Light Seltzer. Yeah, Bud Light got out of the seltzer game. My hard seltzer, it's like they already made the most extreme seltzer that's possible. Why are they retooling it? The lemonade.

The lemonade. The twist. Wait, they don't own Twisted Tea. No. Separate businesses. No, they do not they should come together arnold palmer oh yeah that sounds really good you guys have to call me

i have business ideas coming out the wall. People are saying, ooh, about it. Ooh, la la. First immediate reaction, really positive. People are shocked at the idea in a really good way. No, I'm trying to think of one that, okay, here's one that has no business being a hard seltzer, and if I could change it, I think I would be okay with it being deleted, but that ended up being really delicious. Oh, okay.

Topo Chico. Yeah. They shouldn't have entered alcohol. It is good, though. But it is so good. They did it right. They knew what they were doing.

It does it different than other people did. Topo Chico hard seltzer, I feel like I've never paid to drink it. It's one of those things where I'm like, it's always just,

it's at someone's house already that someone else left there. Yep. Or it's in a green room and the venue has received it for free but I always enjoy it. It's really good. It feels like the thing

that someone always bought to be like, I wonder what that's like. You know, like it's always bought as a... Well, we gotta try it. Oh, yeah. She makes hard seltzer?

Everyone's like, what the... I guess that's what I'll buy. Someone you're standing in front of the fridge with like three people being like, we should bring something, right?

Yeah. Oh, Topo's making seltzer now? Did you know? Let's buy that. That's fine. I would do it. I would do it. And then it gets left at the person's house because no one ever drinks the thing you brought.

No. Except for I always drink the thing I brought. Is that weird? No, you should. That's better. Someone's got to do it. If I'm having people at my house, I'm already thinking about having a little something for people to be. And they're taking that.

And then they leave stuff. And then I'm like, well, I spent all this money getting stuff before. Had I known, I would have done it different. But you have to overprepare. Totally. Yeah, because people will arrive and be like, oh, I actually don't really drink beer. I can't remember the last time I drank beer. And it's like, okay. And you're like, okay, no worries because I also –

Yeah. I've got spiked tofu and if you don't like that I have woodchuck cider God yeah and then the more like I can't is there a celebrity that has a hard seltzer brand because I love a celebrity alcohol

I think they're so funny. I've bought one, their darkest period of the pandemic for me. I ordered Cameron Diaz diet wine and Nina Dobrev diet wine to my home. Which one was better? For a taste. It was Cameron Diaz, as in life. She's got Nina Dobrev. It does help.

Yeah. It makes, and I, Cameron girl, you know how I feel. Ultimately, got Nina Dobrev. It does help. Yeah. It makes, and I, Cameron, girl, you know how I feel. Ultimately, they're both disgusting.

Travis Scott, Gordon Ramsay, and the inevitable, oh my, the inevitable arrival. Gordon Ramsay's doing hard seltzer?

I would drink that, though. So that's what Travis Scott's going to do. Travis Scott, hard seltzer,

absolutely not. Yeah, well. For many reasons. Gordon Ramsay, I would do. To me, the shocking thing about being Gordon Ramsay is not that I wouldn't drink it. When it comes to something to put in my body, Gordon Ramsay could tell me to do anything. Oh. I believe him because, well, that's his whole career.

Yeah. Hard seltzer to me is not supposed to be good. The idea is it's supposed to be like if you don't like the flavor of alcohol and you don't like the calories of alcohol, you get to have hard seltzer as sort of like a fine. This is the last resort. Right. And it's not supposed to be like this is really going to hit you in the mouth with flavor. No. You know? It's supposed to be. Seltzer doesn't do that. So hard seltzer is definitely not doing it. It's like a to be like this is really going to hit you in the mouth with flavor. No. You know? It's supposed to be.

Seltzer doesn't do that. So hard seltzer is definitely not doing it. It's like a weird seltzer. I mean, I remember when they first kind of appeared. I feel like it was really recently on. I think they very quickly become a strong focus of our culture. Well, low-calorie alcohol will really get you. It'll get you.

But I remember when they first. The market really has a chokehold. When they first appeared, the ads for them were very like, girlies. Girls, we know you don't like beer. Listen, little ladies. Lady girls. Beer? No, Bethany Frankel, in my opinion, started the skinny alcohol campaign.

Oh, my God. She did. She does not get her due. Okay, let's give her her flowers on the pod today. Yeah. What was the name of her? Skinny Girl Margaritas. I thought it was like Skit Evil Bitch Margaritas.

I wish it was that. That would have been great. Bethany. Great branding for her. You gotta rebrand, girls. Skinny Girls a little bit. We don't love it. Bitchy Bitch. Bitchy Bitches Brew. Really has a different brand. Evil Bitches Brew. bitchy bitch bitchy bitches brew really 900 proof diet wine

like unbelievable yeah she really started a whole career out of it and then everyone was like

wait a second wow Cameron Diaz ripped off Bethany Frankel Bethany Frankel is the original celebrity that's oh

in conclusion um no I really do love Bethany Frankel though the original celebrity. In conclusion. No, I really do love Bethany Frankel, though. I don't really watch her hot sides, but I know that I like her. She probably did something horrifically wrong, but I just don't know what it is. So was everyone. I just don't know what it is. Who isn't? And I've not tried.

Have you tried? I think I've tried stupid margarita, and I've got to say I didn't love it. It's not it's sensible to do well yeah it has to be gross yeah because this is a disgusting thing

that can get closer to the thing that's good I feel like making a like diet alcohol that tastes good is the same thing as like trying to

talk to ghosts where you're like we can't rule it out but it's most likely not gonna happen for us. Yeah. So the thing for Gordon Ramsay making seltzer to me is like, what's he going to do to it that makes it taste better?

Like, his whole thing is flavor. I don't feel like he's going to improve on seltzer because I feel like it is exactly what it's always going to be. Right. But I applaud him for trying. I hear his wine's pretty good. He has wine? Yeah. Wow. He's. He has wine? Yeah. Wow.

He's really touching the market. Yeah. He's really got his fingers all over the little market. Nasty. Someone the other day told me they feel like he is, like, the best guy in the world. And I said, it is crazy to say that about a guy whose entire persona is built on being an asshole. Wait. On what grounds did to say that about a guy whose entire persona is built on being an asshole. Wait. On what grounds did they say that?

I walked into a room and people were being so positive about him. Like, oh my God, I love him. What is going on? He's so nice. And they were like, we're just talking about how, like, amazing we think Gordon Ramsay is. Like, we think he's, like, one of the best people. And I was like. But best meaning, like, kind and nice and empathetic.

Like, good guy. Oh, wow. Good guy. Really interesting. And I said, I said, I think you're probably like maybe right. Like I feel like the mean energy is part of the persona. Yeah. But it is crazy to be like, this is an amazing guy when I've watched him bully children on the television.

Yeah. Right. I've watched kids sob because he won't let them take a break from being in front of fire. Sure. Yeah. It's sort of hard to unsee that. Junior, that's a special show. I haven't watched it in a while.

There's a new season on. Oh, my God. Run, don't walk. He is just not running. We have pool rules when it comes to matching. This is a walk, don't run situation. I wonder if that, like, Gordon Ramsay nice actually becoming, like, the new, like, someone's party opinion you know like

when someone brings their new opinion to a party and they're like testing it and you're like all right yeah gordon ramsay's really nice like awesome we were talking at the house the other day gordon ramsay's probably actually a really nice guy how do we feel anybody anybody going buddy. Going once, going twice. Ramsey's incredible. No, what's next on your record? Okay. Okay. Next on my records,

let's go with Lemony Snicket books. How do we feel about them? That's the series of unfortunate events. That's the series of unfortunate events. Do you feel good about the show with Neil Patrick Harris? I have complicated feelings about the show with neil patrick harris i feel bad about the movie with jim carrey yeah that was just straight up not very good unfortunately which sucks because he actually was an incredible casting choice yeah but he didn't i feel like

count olaf okay this is my party opinion and has been for almost 20 years I was bringing this to third grade birthday parties I think Count Olaf should be really scary and they always cast someone who's like not scary Jim Carrey not scary like funny they should have done like a Johnny Depp

honestly had we known it would have made more sense because like okay because they did cast Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, who is canonically very scary. And in his version, terrifying. Very scary. I consider it to be a horror film. Yeah, spooky, scary. Children are dying.

That's a Halloween movie. That's a movie you watch on Halloween. That's not a fun movie for kids. It's a Halloween movie. That's a movie you watch on Halloween. That's not a fun movie for kids. It's a Halloween movie for adults. Okay. Yeah. So Count Olaf should be scary. In the first book, he makes a child marry him.

And, like, he's doing – he's trying to, like, extort children. And, like, he's doing all this stuff. But they always make him funny. And Neil Patrick Harris, they went even further in the direction. They are letting him sing songs. He's goofing around. Why are we always letting Neil Patrick Harris sing songs? Good question.

Good question. Stop. Why? The steal. If he wants to be in Broadway, let him go there. Yeah. And stay there. And if I want to see him, I'll go to Broadway.

I don't – I watch Talking About Your Mother all the way through whether we like it or not. Okay. All right. We'll circle to Broadway. I don't need. I watched Talking About Your Mother all the way through, whether we like it or not. Okay. All right. We'll circle back to that. Reveal, reveal. Okay. We'll come back. Whether we like it or not, I've seen every single episode of that television show.

Whether we like it or not is doing some heavy lifting right now. Whether we like it or not. I've seen every single episode of Talking About Your Mother probably more than once. Oh, jeez. It keeps getting worse. It was my babysitter's favorite show. Oh, okay. And then now I fall asleep to it sometimes.

So. But there were episodes where they would just be like and this is the episode where I guess it's a musical it's like why do shows okay it has to be contractual

it has to be he had to have been like fine I'll do another season but this time I'm gonna sing and I'm gonna dance yeah he sings

you gotta get Neil singing yeah he sings the theme song to the series of Unfortunate Events and it's enough. I did see every episode of that, too.

I did, too. Now I feel like I need to watch it. I think the TV show is pretty good. It's pretty good. Yeah. They do. I mean, the stories are harrowing. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. And they do hit that on the head. They just make him kind of like a lovable villain instead of just being a villain villain. I'm sick of lovable villains. Not like a lovable villain. Like, you're never rooting for him in any way. Like, I think there are villains where they do that far enough where you're kind of like, well, I don't want him to lose.

I just don't want them to lose. You know? Yeah, yeah. You still want him to lose, but you're kind of like, they're letting him be, like, the punchline a few times in a way that you're like, oh, you like seeing him around, and I want to not. Yeah, totally.

Yeah. Especially when he's trying to marry the kid. That's it. That's when and I want to not. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Especially when he's trying to marry the kid. That's when you really want to get stuff. And he comes hot out the gate trying to marry the kid. Yeah. But then they're like, but what if we gave him one where it's kind of like, have you ever considered his side? And, like, he literally tried to marry a kid. Yeah.

Hold on. It's not all as it seems. You're like, well, I want to marry the kid. What if in this situation we let it be? What if we let it be surface value? We just say, okay. Yeah, like, we don't need to decide nuance. I would change nothing about the stories.

I think they're perfect. I was obsessed with them when I was a kid. Yeah, they're so good. I was in line. I was at Borders Booksellers waiting outside. There was a huge culture with that for Harry Potter. There was not culture for that for Series of Unfortunate Events. I was just there when they opened.

They need a house or something. It was – it would be – They need houses. We need to be able to assign ourselves as something. Yes. So that's where you get a fan base. Yes. Like for us, it's the little freaks or you don't listen to the podcast.

For us, for example, there's the little freaks, you don't listen to the podcast. For us, for example, there's the little freaks, right? And that's everybody else. Yesterday on Twitter there was a trending thing that was like, every state has its own Harry Potter house.

And I said, no. Why? Why? Are we doing this? Are you joking? They were like, finally,

it's happened. We've assigned a Harry Potter house to every single state in the United States. And more than 50% of the United States is Slytherin. And I was like, of course, that's true. The whole country is sort of the bad part of Slytherin. And the good part of nothing.

But it's like, see, this is what they wanted. Now we're talking about it. Well, fine. We're talking about it. Ohio was not Slytherin which is where i'm from it was like ravenclaw what's oregon probably hufflepuff if i had to guess if i had to guess hufflepuff maybe gryffindor but i'm giving it hufflepuff this is.K. Rowling's PR team is like desperately trying to get She's like, fuck trans people, but couldn't you

for just a second walk with me on a trip to find out what Texas would be if it was in Harry Potter? Slytherin, by the way. Totally. On the map

that they drew out. Oh, okay. Assigned it. Okay, good. They said it. They fucking went there. They weren't even afraid to put 50% of the United States at Slytherin. They freaking did it. They popped it. Yeah. They fucking went there. They weren't even afraid to put 50% of the United States as Slytherin.

They freaking did it. They popped off the Slytherin on the United States. Oh, my God. If there was a lot of people in a state, they were like, Slytherin. Unpopulated? Too big? Unpopulated was Hufflepuff. Sort of like medium Ravenclaw or Gryffindor.

Okay. Gryffindor felt like it was maybe not that many. And that makes sense. That makes sense. I mean, it's rare to be that brave. What's the bravest state? Massachusetts. Yes.

I agree. I agree. What? They're very brave. I'm sorry. They're very brave of Massachusetts. Are you from Massachusetts, Casey? I'm from Florida, but Massachusetts.

Florida, Slytherin. Sorry, buddy. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. There's snakes down there. Yeah. There have. Florida Slytherin. Sorry, buddy. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. There's snakes down there. Yeah. There have to be Slytherin. They're full of snakes.

They've got so many snakes. My girlfriend's in Australia right now with snakes. Make me think of that. And she's going to a place, and I looked it up just to see what it was going to look like, what she has there. Okay, I'm adorable. And I was like, I wonder what she'll see. And the first picture that came up was like, beware of stinging trees.

And I texted her. I said, hey, I just wanted to check in that you're making sure you don't get stung by a tree. Because that sounds crazy. Like it throws things? I don't know. It honestly feels like it's a tree with cactus-like properties. And you know how sometimes cactus will spit little things out? That happens.

Yeah. Oh, I did know that. Yeah. My mom's from the desert, so I know a little thing or two about a cactus. Desert Slytherin. Yeah. So for sure, Arizona is definitely Slytherin. Not Ravenclaw, but I'll give it Slytherin in my mind.

So many rattlesnakes. Yeah. And stinging trees, they're called. I said, that's illegal. That's really messed up. Australia needs to be shut down. Well, that's the thing about Australia is there's scary stuff there. I don't know if your girlfriend knows. Everyone should be in New Zealand where nothing scary is. They're just cheap.

I thought there was scary stuff in New Zealand, too. No. Can we get a fact check? I feel like once I looked over to Anya like, well, I thought she would know. It's weird that we're not getting any answers about there's scary stuff in New Zealand like once I... You just looked over to Anya like, well... Well, I thought she would know. It's weird that we're not getting any answers about if there's scarier stuff in New Zealand. I think everyone's all knowing.

No, I once feel like I read that New Zealand has no poisonous spiders or snakes. Oh, okay. That's great. And Australia has, I think, the most. A million, a bajillion, yeah. So, Lemony Snicket. So, Lemony, Lemony. That's not his real name add the books are you adding the show as well are you brave to say what did i say no that lemony snicket is not his real name

well oh i thought you were saying i said it wrong and i was like that's possible yeah it's lemony you're like it's limey i got the wrong fruit um no would you so you're adding the books are you also adding any of the visual content or you're just being like this should only be read i feel like it should only be read and you can also listen to the cd they released that okay only i own no no they made it an original album because lemony snicket and all the other girls plays the accordion enlisted so it makes sense that neil patrick harris was doing music i know it kind of sucks because you're just like okay he is kind of a theater kid and that is like something i need to carry with me like your fave is a theater kid um but anyway yeah he like

worked with the band the magnetic fields and they made a whole original album of music about like the various books of series of unfortunate events that can stay that has to go it's pretty good Grammar, Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Pulitzer. I really loved it. I got it as a gift on Valentine's Day from, like, my dad. And I was like, this is the greatest thing I've ever received. What a gift. What a moment. And it was great.

They sang one two-minute song about every single book. So, like, first book, they're, like, Scream and Run Away, right? Yeah. An iconic song. Second, they get pretty bad after the first one. Weird. First you scream and run away. Then you cry, call your mom.

Second song has something to do with, the book is called The Reptile Room. The song is called In the Reptile Room. And so they kind of tend to stay on theme after that. But they're just singing about snakes. There's a, you know. Not a fan, by the way. Of snakes. Generally, yeah.

Do you like when they swim? No, that's actually one of the worst things they do thank you for bringing that up i don't like that they move at all because it doesn't make any functional sense and that they can be in the water is one of the scariest things about them in ohio they do that they're in the water thank you for saying that it's awesome what's awesome about snakes is that they're kind of everywhere and they have no boundaries and they can do anything. Yeah. And they can kill you in a million different ways. It's really hard to kill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't even know where their neck is. I couldn't choke it if I tried. No. Oh. I could be in their stomach for all I know. Yeah. And their jaws unhinge.

They have venom sometimes, but sometimes they don't. And you can barely tell the difference of some of them. They're like, this one has a small red dot on its nose, and that's how you know that it is venomous. It's like, how am I going to get that close to know? If you're close enough to tell. Some of them dig themselves into sand. They're just waiting. Oh, yeah.

They dig themselves deep, yeah. I really wanted a pet snake at one point. This was like five years ago. I went through every single step. My friend who has a snake gave me her old tank, and she was like, this is great for a starter snake. I did all the research. I was totally ready. One thing I never did during this process was look at a snake or be near one.

And then when I went to the reptile store. Famously the hard part, yeah. Lizards I could be around. Oh yeah, I could be all day long. Lizards are incredible. They're awesome. I love them. Lizards can fucking stay.

Snakes deleted from the record. That, I mean, that is a good thing to delete from the records because I went to like, and I don't drive. I took the bus. I was thinking I was going to bring

a snake home on the bus. Not sure. But like, took the bus. I thought you would be so popular. And the person next to me was carrying a snake. I would be so fucked up over that. People wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes for a month.

Everyone that saw me for the next six months of my life would have to hear about the snake on the bus. There's not snakes on the plane. There's snakes on the bus. There's one snake on a bus. There's snakes on the 603. But I went all the way to this pet store in Burbank. And then when I held a snake, I was just like, no. Went home empty-handed.

Just saw a movie. Went home. And I was like, well, well what now and i still have the snake tank to this day oh my okay i don't know anyone that wants a snake what am i gonna do with it hey freaks if you guys want a snake first of all turn this podcast off and second of all i i want sound off in the comments listen i love the pie i wanted to grow whatever whatever if you are a snake person you gotta draw the You've got to draw the line somewhere. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

At some point, we just aren't compatible. And the snakes are sort of aligned for me. But lizards are dope. As soon as they lose their legs, they're gone. If you've got it, yeah. So if you have a legless lizard, well, honestly, I want to hear about it. I think of lizards as legged snakes. The way you said that made it sound like at some point in every lizard's life, their lights fall off.

And I was like, wait. No, they do lose their tail. And that shit is gnarly. Because that's when they turn into snakes. Yeah. A lot of the times they'll lose their tail and they usually grow back. Here's a little anecdote for the snaky freaks. Okay.

So when I was growing up, we had a dog. She's a golden retriever mix. She ran out into our backyard and found a snake. No. Started sort of whipping it around as dogs do, you know, using it as a toy. She brought it as a gift back inside the house. And I – I'm so upset.

And I – and the snake was – I mean, as you can imagine, it was scared for its life. It was being sort of mangled. I woke up to the snake thrashing around in my bedroom. Oh, my God. Spreading blood everywhere. And, okay, ew, ew, ew, ew. I, of course, am like, Mom, you know. Oh, my God.

The motherhood is a fucking curse. Hey, Mom, something weird is going on here. Motherhood's a curse. I can't have kids. I just realized they might one day call me into a room with a bleeding snake. A bleeding snake with like actual tooth holes in it. I'm sorry to be so graphic. But anyway, so I'm like, well, we got to save it.

I don't really know. I didn't want to touch it. My dad, sorry. My dad decides the most logical thing to do is he's like, I got it. He grabs the snake, just throws it into the backyard. And the snake gets caught in a tree and stays there for three days dying. Every time we went out, the snake was kind of like. You can see it.

No. This is not supposed to be mean i hated that story start to finish i i really liked it i thought it was great no i think it had like a good start i think it had like good story arcs i think you like me like no i think functionally it was a good story i hated every single part of it it's like when you go see a movie that like, like Tenet, that's not a movie made for me. That's not a movie that I'm supposed to like. And so I didn't.

Yeah. But I understand functionally. It's good. Yeah. I got into such a big fight with my boyfriend at, at Tenet. Cause we saw it. It was like, we saw it in a drive-in because it came

out like during like you shouldn't be going to a movie theater we can't do this on streamers yeah but it was like so quiet and he was really excited to see it and the whole time and we were parked really far away so it was quiet i couldn't see what was happening and the whole and it's five hours long and i just kept watching at that point watch it on an iphone is it actually five hours long yeah literally it's so it was so far away so long and like we had our dog with us and he had to like I had to keep taking him

outside to pee and like I was just being so disruptive yeah and um at some point in the middle of Tenet he said enough

and then he just pulled out so I don't know how that movie ends enough he said enough because I kept being like what's happening and then he was like Sunny has to pee.

We've done enough of the tenant thing. Yeah. I'll watch this differently. Been there, done that. Oh, wait. I can wait. I'll watch this differently another time. I don't need to.

I think, yeah, I think similar to you. I don't need to know. Yeah. Wow, that snake story, I thought it was terrifying, gorgeous. I felt like it was fair. I mean, definitely twists and turns for sure. I mean, oh oh thank you both so much for responding and reviewing the same story the spray what's next on the records

okay what is next on the records that we're really just gabbing about snakes which is like it is definitely snake it adjacent though there's a whole chap there's a whole book about the reptile room oh my god the red i will never forget the reptile and that's a isn't that the snake? That is the incredibly deadly viper that looks venomous but isn't. Oh yeah.

Shelby is kind of sweet. I don't know. It's like the snake in Harry Potter too. I don't even think they consider that a snake but I'm like, that's a snake.

Whoa. I forgot that the snake had a name. Nagini. Isn't that her name? What? Isn't her name Nagini? No, the big one

that goes to the tunnels is that, she has a name? Oh, oh, the big one that goes to the tunnels. Is that... She has a name? Oh, oh, oh, oh. Tom Riddle's. Tom Riddle's snake. Yeah. Yeah.

The big guy. Snake in the franchise. He's the basilisk. Yeah, the basilisk. Oh, God. Basilisk. Basilisk. I saw Harry Potter as a kid and I don't really know about it.

You don't know a thing about it. I was the kid waiting in line for Harry Potter. You did? yeah i mean look that was most kids like that makes sense you should have been waiting you should have been waiting with me because i was alone and if your parents would allow it you should have bought two books that day um sorry what was next on the records okay um between a few things okay so i'll go we were talking about true crime earlier and this is like my true crime comfort documentary uh the jinx the jinx has to be on the record robert durst in general needs to be seen by the alien because i feel like they know something to be done they know him like he is a member. Like, they might be relieved to be like, oh, he made it.

They found him. He's okay. They found him. He's okay. I love the doc. To be clear, I don't love Robert Durst. I do think that he is a very effective villain. He's dead now.

He can cause no more harm. But he did make me laugh a lot back in the day. Controversial. But he did make me laugh a lot back in the day. Controversial. But he was one of our funniest murderers. What's his best joke? Give it to us. Literally, I could rank my best Robert Durst jokes. Hilarious joke.

He said that him confessing to murdering three people on camera didn't count because he was high on meth at the time so he's like a confession while i'm on meth doesn't count and you're like that's not how that works robert durst but he was able to put off his case for months he was like yeah he doesn't it was lucky that he just wanted to kill like three people. It's my other hot take. No, like I obviously am not endorsing his murders. He said RIP. RIP Robert. You were a real one for real.

I had not forgotten. Rest in paradise, brother. Another great Robert Durst joke is because he's from like a fabulously wealthy new york real estate family and he just like any opportunity he would call his younger brother a pussy just like in police interviews like they would just be like your brother douglas and robert just be like pussy and he was just like oh my god it was shocking. And the people interviewing him never knew how to deal with it. Right. I mean, I'd be like, ooh. To be like, is he a pussy?

You know, you dig deeper. You're like, and why do you say that? What's coming up for you? Have you heard many things? Or how is he an absolute pussy to you. He's an absolute devil person. But I loved that documentary when it came out because it was just like so – I don't know. Like usually with true crime documentaries, you're like, oh, it's like complicated and tragic and all this stuff. But with Robert Durst, you're like, here's the most evil man to ever live. He does not know. He does not care.

And you're just going to kind of watch him lie, lie, lie to this guy with a bad goatee for six hours. And I was eating it up. I loved it. I do think like,

listen, depending on how aliens are going to receive humans, I want us to be, and I think Lebanese Snicket and this both give a little bit of like a,

hey, we're capable of bad things. Sure. We're showing you things we like because that's also part of us. But we're not going to roll over and be whatever. No. We have people that kill for sport. Yeah.

We have some crazies. Yeah. We've got, we've got, we had, look, it's like you were describing the Statue of Liberty earlier. Like, look, we have our problems, but at the end of the day, it would be nice if we could all come together. We did some big stuff like maybe too big too some things are good

some things are bad but at the end of the day the Statue of Liberty is way bigger than you think on the other end of that I was going to add the volcano couple

to my record which is I quickly googled because that's like the best documentary that's the the best documentary. That's the spoiler of the couple

that died together. Yes. They did die at the end. Together at a volcano. At a volcano. Holding each other, right? I think it's so nice. Is that what we're talking about?

Yeah. It's like these... Like the other volcano couple? It made me want to be a volcano couple. I was like, wow, they really found each other.

It was really like these French people and they like... The best part of really like these French people and they like the best part of that documentary is when people are always like are you gonna have kids and they're like no no we that would be really irresponsible we're constantly jumping into volcanoes no we're pretty busy being in lava yeah but if lava ever stops existing maybe we'll talk about it um yeah I love the volcano couple so much. They make me cry. I don't know why this is what I'm bringing up.

But do either of you remember the Mary-Kate and Ashley episode where they go to the volcano? No. Wait, what series was that? I consider them to be the volcano couple. They go when they're like investigators. They put on like the silver suits and they go to a volcano. Obviously, it was like green screened or whatever. Yeah, little Mary-Kate and they go to a volcano. Obviously it was like green screened or whatever.

Yeah. Little Mary Kay and Ashley. Not full house. But you know when they were making their little shows. Pre two of a kind. Yeah. When they were little detectives. Wow.

What did they investigate regarding a volcano? I don't know. Something bad happened. How it worked. Yeah. Something bad happened. Something bad happened and they had to figure it out. Something actually super sad happened. You know when something bad happens and you call on two eight-year-olds to come figure it out for you?

To come to an active volcano. You know when something bad happens near an eruption and you go, who can I call if not the two eight-year-olds that live next door? Or the spunkiest little kiddos that you can come on over. The identical twins, one of the scariest things we have on earth. Yes, thank you for bringing that up. Especially identical twins after a certain, like I've never thought

about identical twins after age like 22. You have to be separate. But they keep going. I say this all the time. This is the biggest problem with selling Sunset is that those two twins shouldn't be together. Should not be in the same city, let alone the same job. Yes.

I saw on, again, I think Twitter.com, the perfect website. Yeah. I hate the bald twins. Two twins. I hate the bald twins. Two twins were marrying. Two identical twins married two identical twins and they're both pregnant at the same time and they live together. All of them.

That's perverse. identical twins and they're both pregnant at the same time and they live together all of them that's it's just perverse kids shouldn't grow up in a house where all of their parents look the same wait such a good point imagine them going to a fun house they'd be like this just looks like the house the kids are gonna look like that they see like eight of their parents and they're like correct they're gonna be into walls like crazy do you think that that would like i don't know why this is where my brain went but if you you were a kid, it would just need to improve your sense of smell. Because what other sense would you have to rely on to know which person was your mom? And which dad is your dad?

Which sibling is your actual? Right. The siblings are all going to look the same. It's fucked up. Chances are with the way genetics work, the kids are going to be twins, which is disgusting. I think it's a problem. I think it's a problem. And I think they should be dealt with by the law.

I think the law needs to be involved. I think it is grotesque. Something weird, yeah. I actually think you can be a twin and be in your 20s. I think when you get to 30, you have to be separate. And if you're past 50, one of you has to pass away. See, I think once you hit like 50 or 60, move back in together. You have to spend 30 years apart and come back.

I have a friend that's mom is an identical twin. And whenever I see them together, I go. That's a little scary. Do their voices sound the same? That's my question. I genuinely have never known which one I'm talking to if they're in the same place. Cool, cool, cool, cool. That happens in Series of Unfortunate Events.

In the 12th book, The Penultimate Peril. No, guys, I do think twins should be able to live. Yeah, you can't. I was catching some shit for the jinx. No, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I think twins should be able to be alive.

Everybody should be able to be alive. The twin thing, I think that's like between you guys for the most part. But also, I just wonder like if you're asking me to be involved in your family, which I get a lot of offers. I'm going to have some issues with it. We're going to have to make some changes. I just want twins to consider the way that they are coming across. of offers um i'm gonna have some issues with it we're gonna have to make some changes for everybody i want twins to consider the way that they are coming across i just i want twins to be aware when i see the shining yeah twins aren't good vibes they can be scary way easier than one

person can be scary are they like are there i was gonna say active twins right now i think it's because we were just talking about volcanoes. Are there active twins? But I feel like we – like in the early 2000s, like there was just twin media. But now it's like not as many twins because I mean the two Lindsay Lohans, huge for me. I like – It took a really long time for my brain to really catch up and say there's one of her. That was really hard. She was just doing that good a job.

I kept being like, there's another one. She's not as famous. There's another one and we just don't like her as much. Maybe one of my favorite, least favorite targeted clickbait ads were like, did you know this really famous person has an identical twin who just must not be talented? Yeah. Bummer. It's clearly not an issue with their looks bummer yeah so other thing for twins to consider and i'm sorry that you guys

have so much but unfortunately you were born with this burden yeah if one of you is really good at something you can't pursue it if the other one is really bad at it yeah yeah because otherwise it just becomes embarrassing for the other i think if you're both medium at stuff go ahead and do whatever you want if one of you is going to be an be an Olympic athlete and the other one can't catch a ball, you can't do the Olympic thing because – I always think of Remy Malek, Sammy Malek, which first of all – Come on. They look exactly the same. Sammy Malek's – I think he's happy.

He's like – he's an elementary school teacher. Meanwhile, Remy Malek – I think he's happy. First of all – He looks exactly like Remy Malek except he is not Remy Malek and that has to's happy. First of all. He's exactly like Rami Malek, except he is not Rami Malek, and that has to be difficult. I didn't know about this. Rami Malek, Sammy Malek. Yeah.

Okay. It's a whole thing. I think we've transitioned twins into being, like, less movie stars and more. Like, I see them – like, there was, like, the Dolan twins on TikTok, which are, like, drama TikTok. Like, they're, like, influencers now. They're, like, we look the same. Give us a drama TikTok. Like they're like influencers now. They're like, we look the same. Give us a brand deal. Right.

And people love to do that. I mean, I would give a twin a brand deal in a second. I would like enjoy having twin, like identical twin friends. Like if it happened to me, I would immediately become so defensive of identical twins. It wouldn't even be funny. But since I've never met any and I don't know any. Some of my closest friends from high school are identical twins. Two of them.

I mean, they're identical to each other. Not some of them. I mean, it's exactly two. It's two. And they were in the same friend group? Yeah.

And my sister had two identical twin friends as well. So you're actually, like, really close with a lot of identical twins, it sounds like. Just tangentially. And they know how I feel.

I was going to say, well, they'd be a shot for them. Which is that I think they both deserve to have really happy lives separate. Yeah. Oh, separate. Okay. is that i think they both deserve to have really happy lives separate yeah oh separate okay well um i think they should be separated i think they should be apart they were living together bi-coastally and i said you have to separate and now they do they live in separate states and i think that that's correct and they did that because you told them

too i've got i hope i hope i had that much cover but i know that i didn't um no let's just quickly run through the last couple of things on your record if you want okay so the the things that uh we didn't get to were um uh the feeling of going to the bathroom right before or after doing something significant and looking making eye contact with yourself in the mirror and being like you better remember this yeah yeah you better remember when you have a moment where you have to recap where you're like i'm capturing a memory yes that's a real in someone else's bathroom we're just like i can't believe it it finally happened yeah like losing your virginity you're like literally in a movie yeah that's when you're in a movie. You're like, oh, my God. Who are you? You've got to get back out there.

Yeah. This is going to be something. Did you ever read those books, Cam Jansen with the photographic memory? Click. I wanted one so bad. I think I lied about how to connect. I forgot that Cam Jansen came with a catchphrase. Yeah.

Click. Click. She's taking a photo. One of the best catchphrases. It's just, yeah. Click. Click. She would, yeah. Click. Like that's a raven. Click. She's taking a photo. One of the best catchphrases. Yeah. Click. Click. She would, yeah.

Click. Like that's a raven. Incredible. Yeah. So that was one of my things. One thing I forgot to put on the list was the court scene from I, Tanya, which is my favorite scene in all of cinema, is Margot Robbie saying, they had 18 months. I would do that. That's my favorite scene i've ever

seen in movies and i watch it literally at least once a week um i really like margot robbie she's great i was gonna say controversial thing it couldn't be less controversial i think people just like her yeah i think she's pretty well and then i think that like when she became a producer people are like oh and she's she's smart oh wow's great. I love her as Tanya Harding so much. She's like too objectively like a drop-dead gorgeous to be playing a normal person. But I appreciate that she tries. Now she's playing Barbie. Now she's playing Barbie.

So that's kind of the house woman we've had. But the court scene from I, Tanya is so good. And it makes me – sometimes I cry thinking about it I love it so much I want them to see her talk separately and then do that because then you get to see

sort of secretly Australian what acting is it's like oh this is good stuff yeah oh wait a minute this is my favorite movie

hold on the aliens come down and they're like we gotta get to an AMC. Are they showing I, Tonya? I saw I, Tonya in theaters 11 times. Jesus Christ. I was in the trenches when that movie came out.

And it was like end of movie pass. So you could just keep going to see I, Tonya. Like every day if you wanted to. It's crazy how that existed even for a moment. Bring it back. Bring it back. I feel like it really enabled some of my worst instincts such as seeing I, Tonya in theaters every day.

I think going to the movies alone would be brutal. Okay, we can keep MoviePass gone. Bring it back. And then the last thing I had was the How It's Made episode about hot dogs. Oh, yeah. Gotta keep that. It's a big show, by the way.

Gotta keep it. Yes. It's the best. It doesn't matter how disgusting what's happening on screen. There's going to be a really enthusiastic Canadian VO and like a bass line playing. And it's most egregious during the hot dog episode because it's literally like like just nasty nasty meat goop like the least ethically sourced nasty thing in the world and then you see them just like pour water on it and it starts boiling and then there's a canadian guy being like next the slurry starts to get mixed around and And then you hear like, it's like the greatest thing I've ever seen.

And it just keeps escalating because the hot dog production is truly horrific. And so it's, it's my favorite internet clip. I have to watch it because I have to, how are they tying them? I can tell you, it's a whole thing. It's kind tell you. It's a whole thing. Is it spinning?

A spinning thing? So it's like a thing where they put it into a plastic tube and then the tube gets heated and then they take the tube off and it's like almost a jello mold situation. The meat has become – Fun fact about me is I'm writing a book about hot dogs right now so I can tell you anything you want to know it's all nasty disgusting she's writing a book about hot dogs and you're gonna learn a thing or two little freaks love hot dogs famously they they would these little freakazoids love little hot dogs they love those doggy dogs munch them down so that joey chestnut's out there oh my god i'm obsessed with joey chestnut what a complicated historical figure we've got some problems but

it's very possible that i misunderstood the prompt and I only brought the most horrific shit in the world. No, this is correct. Aliens need to know what we're like. I want them to know things that I like, but then I forget that what I like is generally very horrific and gross. No, they have to see it. They have to be exposed. If they ever come here, I don't want – imagine the shock if they found out we weren't flowers and rainbows. Yeah.

It's true. Rainbows are actually kind of rare. They would be surprised to find out. They would think it would just be all the time. They want us for who we really are, our scars and everything. And I'm glad that they won't be surprised to see just how large the stack of Clippity is. Imagine they come and they find out for the first time. I mean, what?

They might run their UFO right into it. They wouldn't realize how big it is. They'd be like, that thing's small. You can land right next to it. No, no, no. This is unrelated. I know we have to wrap up,

but there's a scene in the new Minions movie where the Minions hijack a plane. I thought that was so shocking. And then I was like, am I old that I was still like, is it too soon to show the Minions hijacking a plane?

Minions shouldn't be hijacking planes. They should have hijacked a plane. Because to me, one, they're babies. Babies shouldn't be hijacking. Yeah, that's correct. And they don't have pilot's license. That's a joke made. And I don't know when they would have been trained.

No. They were not. They were passengers on a plane, I imagine. Oh, they almost crashed the plane. I mean, they don't know. They don't know how to drive a plane. And it is a really funny scene. And I was laughing.

But then afterwards, I was like, wait a second. They let the minions hijack a plane. And people were like, it's been enough time. We can show the minions hijacking a plane. It's been enough time. Yeah. Barely. We do comedic hijackings now of planes.

I guess we're doing that now. Jeez. I guess we have to hijack a plane as a little joke now. The Minions, well, I guess we have to wrap up. We don't need to start my review of the Minions movie. Not EJ talking about the Minions again. Oh, I saw the Minions movie. My partner afterwards said, you were yelling the whole time.

I really liked it. Apparently. I it like whoa no not bad none of the people like three rows ahead of you were just like every time you went well we're watching the minions things are gonna be shocking it's like like a dad with his son being like. There's an adult behind this having an insane time. I brought my mom to see Minions. Fucking idiots that came to this movie. But this Minions movie takes place in the 70s and my mom was thrilled. She kept leaning over and being like, oh my God, Joni Mitchell.

She was like, it was made for, I think it was not made for me. No. Because it's not, one of the time I'm alive and I'm not four. Which is why I think it's made for four. But it was like made for four-year-olds and people who are alive in the 70s. It's a really, which are, who are too old to be having young children now. So I don't really understand the motivation behind that. It's a grandma-grandpa movie.

Oh, that's true. I assume. I don't know. I just coined behind that. It's a grandma-grandpa movie. Oh, that's true. I assume. I don't know. I just coined that term. It's a grandma-grandpa movie. You guys are in your first jokes. If you're a grandparent

and you listen to this podcast, that's wild. And you've got to get down to the movie theater with your young grandchild to see the 70s version of The Minions. Guess what? It was made for you, grandma-grandpa. And your grandchild to see the 70s version of the Minions. Guess what?

It was made for you, Grandma, Grandpa. And your grandchild. They have, like, Peter Frampton jokes. I was like, who is this movie for? I was like, wow, Peter Frampton. You old people listening to the podcast are going to have an incredible day with your four-year-old granddaughter. Have an awesome time.

Relive your youth. While your grandchild goes through it for the first time. Isn't that the beauty of it all? Who's your favorite minion? They have personalities? Yes. They're like the three stooges. There's way more than three, though.

But like the three main, like Kevin, Stuart, Bob. I feel like there are stooges. There's way more than three, though. I was going to say, but like the three main, like Kevin, Stuart, Bob. I feel like there are stooges. Okay, so I get them confused. Kevin has one eye or two? Stuart has one eye. Kevin is the tall one with two eyes. He's my favorite. Okay.

Bob is the short one who acts like a baby. Yeah, and I can tell by the way you said that thing about Bob is that you don't really mess with Bob like that. Bob is for the kids. Bob isn't for me. Kevin is for me. I respect that he's a born leader but also he knows how to cut loose.

He does. He does. He gets funny sometimes. Well, you're here for so-so. That's the episode of the podcast. Maybe tell the listeners

where they can find you. Apparently at AMC. You're watching the fucking minions. Most days of the week. James at the movies. You're watching the fucking Minions. Most days of the week. James at the movies. You can catch me at CityWalk anytime you want.

Seeing Minions. I'm with Laser. Whenever Synespia does I, Tanya, well, there you will find Jamie. I will be there. You can just find me online. You can... On Twitter at Jamie Loftus Help. Sorry, I just had an absolute meltdown getting to talk with someone about Kevin.

She has so much more to say. Twitter. I'm tweeting about Kevin pretty frequently at Jamie Loftus Help. Instagram at Jamie Curry Superstar. Kevin in the stories, Loftus Help. Instagram at JamieCarrieSuperstar. Kevin in the stories, not infrequently. And then I host a bunch of podcasts. A lot of them are serious. A couple of them aren't.

And you can kind of just, you know, roll the dice. If you want. I don't know this about our listeners, but most of them have terminal degrees in their field. Oh, terminal? Yeah, final degree in their field. Oh, my God. Most the final degree in their field. Oh my God. Most of them are terminally ill. No, terminal degrees

in their field. Is that the right way to say it? My contact just came loose. Sorry, I'm the only intellectual in the room. Except for those listening, you guys knew I was right

all along. I know terminal degrees. It's the last degree in your field whatever it is that depends well it depends it still could be any field I guess

is what I'm getting at I don't know I've never heard these words come out of anyone's mouth terminal degree in your field means whatever your field is you've gotten the highest level of education in it

so they're just like well might as well die like so okay so when you're in an airplane terminal you're're like, I guess I have to die. No, that's just what it's getting. That's a word. I was thinking of it like terminal illness, not terminal like the minions about to hijack a plane.

Yeah, and I think it's just because terminal means there's an end. And so end. End of education. End of life. End of this airport. End of this. To get to another. End of this podcast, honestly.

Wow. End of this podcast. This is the episode. Terminal. Our podcast is honestly. Wow. End of this podcast. This is the episode. Terminal. Our podcast is absolutely fucking terminal. You start using it as like a fun slang.

Like, this party's gonna be terminal. Oh my God. This podcast is terminal. You guys know what it is. Five stars only. Nothing mean

unless it's in the DMs. You can be bully us in the DMs. I don't care. Oh, my God. Me and my wedding being like, this is my terminal relationship. Just don't make it public. For me, I think just say nice things publicly. And if you have something bad to say, privately is the best option.

If you need to say it. If you need to. And before you write it, think, does she need to hear it? Because I will., does she need to hear it? Because it will be. I'm, I'm. But does she? This is it. I'm saying goodbye. You can cut this at any time. Terminal.

I literally said goodbye. That was a Hiddem Original.