Keeping Records - Porn is Over Party (with Holmes Holmes)

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Caleb and Shelby invite Holmes Holmes over (digitally) to build their Golden Record. Holmes's Artifacts Janelle Monáe, "Make Me Feel" music video (audio-visual) Laughing hard with friends (human experience) Shrill, S01E04 "Pool" (audio-visual) Original Voyager Artifact Diagram of Vertebrate Evolution (image) Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. well well well well well well hi everybody i'm caleb heron i'm shelby wolstein and this is keeping records ah cute of us wow so basically shelby and i are best friends, writers, comedians, actors, singers, dancers, we're quintuple threats and so on and so forth. And we met when we were doing comedy in Chicago and fell so in love that we started running a weekly show there at IO Chicago called Studio 11,

rest in peace. The show is not dead, but the theater is. And then we felt so much more in love that we moved to Los Angeles together where we now live. And we wanted to tell you a little bit about our new podcast. The podcast is about the Golden Records, which we sent into space, we being NASA. Classic. Classic NASA. Sent into space in 1977 with the idea that if aliens ever found them, they would understand life on Earth. And we wanted to look into them a little bit more and then ask our friends, old and new, what they would put on records if we sent new ones out today. And we're so excited because our very first guest is a very, very, very, very good friend of ours.

A perfect person. Her name's Holmes Holmes, and here we go. Here we go. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. We have a very sort of incredible, queer. Dynamic, beautiful, interesting. Hot, gorgeous, smart.

Cool, funny. Interesting, hot. Beautiful, dynamic. Friend on the pod for our first ever episode. First ever. First ever episode. Oh, wait, that was real. Okay, on accident, we made this a music podcast.

Look, our guest today is Holmes Holmes, incredible comedian, brilliant actress. She's about to be in the freaking This Country pilot on Fox. So true about her. She's recently concussed. She's recently concussed. She travels around the country doing her live show, At What Cost, with a friend of hers who is also a comedian. And he's sitting across from me and his name is Caleb. And he has no waistline and he can sing incredibly.

So anyway, she's incredible and we're so excited to have her today. Should we just bring her in here? Should we walk her into the room now? I think let's bring her in. All right. Holmes, come on in. No. Hi.

Here I am. Hi. Okay, sorry. Love all the compliments. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. It is an honor. I'm sorry that we repeated a few.

Yeah, well, those are the ones we meant the most. Yeah, and the ones you repeated the most were beautiful, so I'm sitting in it and I'm soaking it up. Okay. I really love it. The last one, the last one, tail end, a friend. Well, that's what you are to us, tail end, a friend. Well, that's what you are to us, babe. You're my friend too, babe. What, uh, what are you up to today?

How's your day going? What do you, what, what headspace are you bringing into the pod? I am doing okay today. I'm doing a lot better now that I'm with you two. Uh, had a great day last night, slept in a little too late today. And I did just, uh, hit my head on the kitchen counter, you know, raising up from washing a dish. Um, iced it with someone's peas that aren't mine last night slept in a little too late today and I did just hit my head on the kitchen counter you know raising up from washing a dish iced it with someone's peas that aren't mine frozen sorry if I can you were manually washing a dish like with your hands I was manually washing a dish why because sometimes the dishwasher is full and instead of being the one to, like it's clean, instead of unloading it, I will just wash one. So that happens to us as well. But I keep them in the sink. So I don't want to unload the dishwasher, but I'm also not going to wash a dish. So we kind of get into a middle ground.

I live with two men right now. Okay. And it has changed things. I wasn't living with two men and now I am. And although they're great, you know, they're, the dishes have changed a little bit. Um, they're really into smoothies basically for a day. So the blender's always in there, you know, uh, there's a lot of dishes. So I try to keep mine. Yeah. Almost a little separate. My situation. Are they ripped? Yeah. Are they extremely jacked young men i almost answered so mean go on the record how good are their bodies go on the record you see i'm processing how to answer um the answer is i don't want to have sex with either of them but they're cute we say we say go on the record right now are your roommates fuckable or no

and i say some people will i won't and I actually make sure they know that because I have a rule in the house which is that I get to walk around in my underwear because I don't have time to put on pants to go to the bathroom okay and I need to not be sexualized in that so I double check with them I go do you want to have sex with me so my question is attires on the street could both of them lift it right could they flip it several times yeah they definitely could okay so they're hot good good good so they're hot then yeah fuckable young men no hey holmes well the reason we brought you in today um we're just wondering if you were sort of in charge of your own golden record what would you put on it what i want to put on the records i want to put so many things on the records okay it was

very very very hard to choose but i have narroweded it down to a few let's start things off right off the bat. I need aliens to know that I am queer and that we are queer and that most people are sexually fluid. Sorry, I'll say it. So that's why we will start with Make Me Feel, the music video and song by Janelle Monae. Wow.

Okay, first things first. And how does that one go? That's just the way you make me feel. That's just the way you make me feel. That's just the way you make me feel. Okay, well, we'll work on it. We'll rehearse. We'll rehearse next time.

We'll rehearse, but I would love to send that one out to space because of a lot of reasons. One, we're in a dark basement. Oh, they don't know what land is like okay um okay two fashion right off the bat it's incredible the looks in that video the black jeans with the roses i can't do that because i get heat rash it sucks you can't wear jeans because homes the thing is is that those are mesh there's no cooler pant what's going on with you what's how what what what what illness do you have that you can't wear pantaloons

here's the situation i can wear jeans but in the music video janelle monae wears these kind of you know see-through mesh rose with some rose petal jeans, but you can see through her ask skin, which is, you know, I dream of it. Um, mine on the other hand, you know, I've never had a face acne. I'm really grateful. Sorry. Thank you. Um, but it does all travel to my ass. Uh, I don't know why, but she's this, she just, it would be a scary part of the music video. Cause everything would be so hot and I'd turn around and everyone would be like, why is ass covered in zits it sounds like it's less about heat rash and more about the fact that you have pimples on you and I'm sorry if we made you kind of admit to pimples which is hot to me by the way no I need you to take that back actually because here's the reason

why it only happens in the summer with the heat oh well that's not I don't think that's acne then babe that's heat rash that's heat rash oh well I guess that's acne then, babe. That's heat rash. That's heat rash. Oh. Well, I guess what we're really getting down to is see a dermatologist post-haste. And ultimately. We'd love to get a doctor's opinion in here. Because we're not medically licensed. We'll bring the recording equipment and we'll go all see a dermatologist for you. I don't want them to examine me. I think I'm fine.

I've never been to a dermatologist, but I want to hear what they have to say about you. It's never felt important enough to go to a dermatologist. I gotta tell you it is. It really, really is. But this is the thing. This is what, this is what we all have to do when we're young and broke and don't have health insurance is that we just say, well, unless I'm bleeding or can't breathe, a doctor isn't real. Literally. It's like, I just hit my head and I literally checked if it was bleeding then i said let's record a podcast this podcast is going to be medicine to somebody and that's what brings me joy this podcast can get rid of someone's heat rash and someone's heartbreak hey i wanted to ask you um there's a part of the you identify as bisexual. Am I correct in saying that?

I identify as queer. I totally don't find it offensive to be bisexual, but I could absolutely fall in love with anyone who's non-binary, boy, girl, whatever. Well, that's actually interesting because Janelle Monae identifies as pansexual. Would you say that's closer to where you're at? Or do you just think the umbrella term queer

is really powerful for you particularly? I would say the umbrella term queer is powerful for me because i've never like deep dived into pansexual and whenever someone says they're pansexual i feel like they always have to explain it more and so i've just always felt very safe with queer do you think i should say pansexual i think you should stick with what you're safe with yeah i love queer i think queer is great i love being queer i feel like queer encompasses everything I feel. Um, yeah, like I, I feel like it's like cool that we can learn more terms to even know what we are like, yeah, probably I am pansexual, but I feel like queer does it, but bisexual at this point feels

limiting to me. Yeah. Well, I think Janelle Monae feels the same way. Cause she said several times, I'm not bi I'm pan. And I think that the, the beautiful thing about queerness, well, about umbrella terms in general is that they put things together. Right. So it's, I think that the beautiful thing about queerness, well, about umbrella terms in general, is that they put things together, right? So I think that queer specifically brings so many things into the fold where it's like it unites you with trans people and with people who are queer in different ways than just sexuality. And I think that's dope. Absolutely. And that's why I'm so obsessed with the video, truly, because it's just like the main in the song, just because it's like it's just the way it makes you feel and i'm just like really that's what earth is really doing you know like whether we admit it or not we basically are just acting on what we feel all the time i am

shelby doesn't want to talk about queer stuff anymore because she doesn't like queer people fundamentally untrue she's gone pretty on record. Fundamentally untrue. No, I'm kidding. She's a big time ally friend, part of the community member, chief liaison. Shelby's doing a lot of conferences about gay stuff lately. Shelby to me is the mayor of gay town. Whether, I don't care.

Shelby could be the straightest woman on earth and I'd be like mayor of gay town. Yeah. All I know is that in my make me feel video, Shelby kind of, I'm running back and forth from two different Shelbys because that's what it means for me to be gay. Yeah, yeah I know is that in my Make Me Feel video, I'm running back and forth from two different Shelbys because that's what it means for me to be gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's how you identify like, oh, it's anybody. She loves anybody.

That's why she's going Shelby. Anyone as long as it has Shelby's cute little cheeks. Okay, sorry. As long as it has Shelby's cute little cheeks and loves to hike. I do not. I've dated someone who loves to hike and it's not for me. Unfortunately, Holmes, we just learned that we can't date. I've been hiking quite a bit.

I thought it was you not being queer that made us not be able to date, but the hike thing does add to it. You're right. It's more the hiking thing than anything, I will say. Knowing both of you, yeah. Caleb knows for sure it's not that I'm not queer. It is that I'm a hiker. I will say it's so interesting to hear Holmes say that she can't date someone who hikes because one time Holmes called me and said,

hey, will you drive me to this car dealership to pick up my car? And I said, sure. And it's like a four-mile drive. And on the drive there, she tells me that the day before she had walked there. Shh. And I said, why? And she said, I didn't want to bother you. So it seems like she loves hiking. That walk was hard.

Sorry, not COVID. It's not COVID. One second. We're good. Oh, that's COVID. I can tell in the sound of it. You can actually tell. Let's play that back.

COVID. Guys, our second guest on the pod today has really been making waves this year. And they don't have COVID and that was actually a big thing for us. And they don't have COVID because they are COVID. Please welcome the novel coronavirus.

Ah, these unprecedented times. I do want to take one thing back, please. I like to hike. If I was with someone who was like every trip we go on is going to mostly sort of prioritize hiking, I'm going to be upset. Do you know what I mean? How there's that kind of person who's like knows more about like bikes than like, you know, their mom. I once went on a date with a guy who insisted we go bouldering on our first date.

See, I would actually have to research that. No way. What does that mean? Bouldering is rock climbing with no rope. Oh yeah. I mean that, he's kind of the suicide path. So I went. You went? By the way, that's how you get, that's how you kill somebody. You kill somebody by telling them, that's like you go, Hey, do you want to go bouldering sometime? And then you push them. That's the best way to kill somebody on a date. Well, the thing about bouldering is that there's routes so you can be

like okay easy route medium route hard route i went don't say hard route just say if you went on a different route than you is what i'm thinking no he's like he's like see you at the end i'm gonna do the hard route so he's like i'm gonna take the easy one he's like all right babe well i can't waste a day of training so i'll catch you at the summit no i went on the easy route and he kept going you could do harder than that and i was like no i can't so then i got on the medium route and i my muscles are shaking i can't hold on boulder for sure dude i can barely open a jar like this is insane i couldn't hold on i'm dying and he just keeps being like you just need to pull up your hips it's like i have to leave you're like until you literally made me come don't comment on my hips sorry that's all i have to say yeah this was also the first time i

met him and they've been married for 12 years to be clear you won't go bouldering again i've been since i'm done i am so sick i'm so sick of the bouldering learning that my best friend and roommate is into bouldering today sick to me so holmes you you would put make me feel by janelle monae the song in the video on your record yes if the aliens had a lot of time i would tell them to listen to all of dirty computer that You would put Make Me Feel by Janelle Monae, the song in the video, on your record. Yes. If the aliens had a lot of time, I would tell them to listen to all of Dirty Computer, that whole album, and watch it because it's so good. But that song specifically, I think I want the aliens to come. And I just want to be clear. I picture the Golden Records being sort of delivered straight to an alien. I have them sort of in my mind.

If we have the option, we will. We would do that if we could. Know that. Yes, thank you. And I think that it's a very good kind of starting point to get there and go, you know, like the video is consensual, but it is sexy. Sorry. You know, kind of going back and forth. I mean, and it has the noise of female pleasure, you know, starts off right at the back, you know, and I'm, I like that. That's important for me to people to hear. Yeah. It just is like, it's kind of, I want them to be like, this is the kind of people that will be on earth that

I'm going to respect. Sorry. I will say the bar that they're in. Do we agree that that's a bar or are we calling that a basement? I agree. It's a bar that's like in a basement vibe. So I kind of like that too. Cause they're sort of like, Oh, maybe they don't even hang out outside. That's why I'm starting with this. So I feel like the vibe of the bar is that it's cash only. I feel like the vibe of the bar is that it's cash only. I will agree with that. And it actually thinking of the bar kind of leads us into your next one. Holmes is you said that you would put on the records, a group of people, what was, what were your people doing? I want there to be a group of people on a patio. Oh's gorgeous outside um they're okay drinking eating sorry

dips and chips okay salsa everything everyone's laughing really hard obviously a star of the group sort of the funniest one there there's one person isn't in a good mood just to make them know not everyone's always having fun but we are trying hard one person there is like this oh you can no one can see me it's kind of lifting their eyes up to the sky a little bit. Like I didn't think it's funny, but the rest of the four are all dying laughing. It's five people. That's a perfect friend group in my opinion. I think a lot of shows would agree with you. Yeah. TV, TV's really on your side. Where do you think they got it from? I got a call. They said, what do you think is a classic friend group? Um, and I did go with five. So yeah, it's important for me to see them laughing because they probably don't laugh. And that's my,

one of the only good things that we have here is laughing really hard and eating with friends. Um, and I want them to not be scared the first time that they hear a big laugh. Cause I know mine scares people, you know, to this day, kind of a uproarious you know you don't laugh like that i want to let you know as one of your closest friends your laugh isn't you don't laugh like you've just gotten somebody in an old-timey movie you more laugh like chelsea thinks her laugh is we've got them now like she just tied someone to the train track and now what fellas and that's actually going to my next picture which is someone tied to train tracks no no no not at all um can you imagine no um i want this to be people laughing hard and eating all the all different types of

dip because that's my favorite food there is no better feeling than being like on a patio in gort for me fall weather fall like early fall when it's still a little hot crisp air it's a little cold but like not too cold when you first sit down the sun's still out and you're warm but as the meal goes on you need to put on a jacket or a sweater because it's gotten cold when the sun went away and jacket fashion in general like no one looks as good as they do in a jacket right no i would love it to be fall weather as well and i also really want there to be candle a candle on the table because i want them to go they know how to control fire i want the aliens

to go okay so they've already started kind of controlling elements down there because it's like what are they doing you know on this planet can they put a fire you know make a fire as small as a dime and we do we can and do and do every day, almost without thought. Almost without thought until someone burns down your house. Who are... And I'm not going to get into the burning. I'm not asking. So it'd be five people at your... You want to put on the record this dinner on a patio with five people laughing really hard.

You think that encapsulates. Who are the four people with you from any time in history? And it doesn't have to be us. We don't have to be two of them. We would assume that we were, so let's just take that off the table right away. Please don't make it us. That's like so embarrassing. And it doesn't have to be like your closest friends. It can be like a celebrity or a, you know, who, who would, who are just four that you think of right away? I literally, when you asked me that question, panic, because I'm like, I won't pick, there's too many. And I like what you, when you say me that question, panicked because I'm like, I won't pick. There's too many. And I like what you when you say that, what I picture is I don't want to pick.

I will. I would pick my best friend. I mean, OK, if I'm sending to aliens, what I would say is this. I'm not even at the table. OK. Whoa. That's really selfless. That's amazing. Holmes, that's amazing.less. That's amazing.

Holmes, that's amazing. Yeah, and I wanted to be there. I wanted to be invited. No, I would probably do. I think that in my little bundle, I'm not really showcasing other countries very much because my experience is in America. So I would actually probably put it at like a table on, you know, in a different country,

but they're all still eating and laughing, but I don't care the country, anyone. Okay. That's horrible. Interesting. I just don't, I think the main point of mine is that I don't care who's at the table as long as everyone's laughing except one person and they're eating. Okay. Do we care about like good posture bad posture how are we i really really do want there to be a mix and i really want a lot of slouch i want slouch and i want like different kinds of laugh i want food in a tooth sorry okay we have a messy eater um the main thing i want to take away is that it's like this is obviously a face i'm going to see from a lot of people because in none of my songs no one's going to be laughing. Do you know what I mean? Would you guys put

laughing in yours at a table? Yes. Oh yeah. Or at a bonfire. You guys wanted me to do a table of you too. I mean, if I had my dream table, y'all would be there. Don't stress it. You already didn't include us and that's fine. We, we gave you the opportunity and you took it. And that was one powerful decision that you made today. So. The only saving grace you have is that you have a concussion. So we're like, she wasn't well. We're like, she has CTE. We've decided it's just the CTE that she definitely has.

And soon she's going to start yelling at us and it'll be the STE. CTE. STD. Do you guys ever think about this? Like, okay, we're sending this stuff to the space, but it's like, they don't know any language. So do you know what I mean? the space but it's like they don't know any language so do you know what i mean i'm like they don't know any people so i just want it to be like a good mix of do you know what i'm saying like i think it's hilarious that we say a bunch of english i actually think it's so funny because in one of the languages that they sent up the

message that they said was hello dutch speaking friends and it's like they don't speak you can't just decide that yeah dutch speaking they're just listeners you bring up a good point holmes that they it it's interesting to imagine aliens understanding life on earth just from what this team of like mostly white dudes in america sent i, one of the images they sent up was this diagram of vertebrate evolution. Did you see this? I saw it and I actually was pretty high and busted out laughing for about 10 minutes. Why? Because here's, I'm sorry. One of the images electronically placed onto the records is titled Diagram of Vertebrate Evolution. It is credited to John Lomberg, who is an American space artist and science journalist. He also served as Carl Sagan's

principal artistic collaborator for more than 20 years from 1972 to 1996. In the upper right hand corner of the image, you have two human people. It's the most well-drawn image of them all. You can make out muscles and body parts. The man's face in John's drawing is not defined enough for me to make this sort of call, but the man seems fuckable. He's hot. The man is hot. The man is hot.

The man is hot. The woman, well... Would make a great mother. Yeah, she has child-rearing hips. Next to them is a goat, I guess. About three times bigger than the goat, to its left, is an enormous bird. Below all of those creatures is an alligator or a crocodile,

or one of those old dinosaurs that looks like an earlier version of the alligator or crocodile. Just below that is a frog, bigger than any frog would otherwise be. And the pose of the frog, if I might add, is vaguely sexual. Vaguely, but sexual enough for it to be noted. Just below that is a fish with legs. Just below that is a normal fish, one you might see at a restaurant. At the very bottom of this image is a shark, or the outline of a shark, with no shading or details. What's interesting to me about the diagram of vertebrate evolution as laid out by John

Lomberg is that it breaks a pretty traditional rule of evolutionary diagrams, that you start with the oldest or most primary version, and then you work your way up to current or final. The way that it's put together is interesting. If this was something I turned in in a 6th grade science project, I'd get a C. One is left with the haunting assumption that John had fewer than five minutes to put this entire diagram together. And we have to use the word diagram loosely. He spent three to four of those minutes drawing the people.

And then he spent the remaining one to two minutes drawing seven animals. Okay, when you're scrolling through the images that they chose to send, this is the order. We see a beautiful Australian island. Okay, a real photo. Gorgeous. Gorgeous, yeah. And then, oh, what's living under that water, I might think, as an alien. Next picture. Drawn photos of little fish and animals.

And for me, that was really hard because I was like, they're going to come here and see little sketches. And also, the drawing is so bad. It's literally like they asked an intern. They're like, oh, can we get Ricky to actually draw up the fish really quick? Like, we're sending these tomorrow. We really need someone to draw a fish. Yeah, it did feel like, it felt like the records were taking off in 10 minutes and they were like, fuck,

we didn't have a drawing of a fish. I was like, has no one taken a photo? They like traced their son's stickers. Yeah, do we not have photos of fish? And why did we have to trace like the outline of the fish instead of a better drawing? Well, that's what I started thinking where I was just like,

okay, 1977, like was a fish not photographed at this point, you know, cause God, we were photographing really dumb shit. Yeah. In the seventies, I feel like cameras were like, you had to carry like a, you had to carry like a giant box on your back and you had to like, everyone had to be under a sheet. There was a family holding all of the materials that you needed for the one photo. I wish they would have sent up just like one of the tender photos of like all the guys from Florida just like holding a huge bass and they would have got it from that. You know, like if I was sending them up today, I would include like four photos of just men holding fish.

Well, and then they would be able to know that we can hold fish because there's people in that image and they're so small compared to the fish. The fish are bigger than the humans on the drawing. The fish are bigger than the humans, which as someone with body dysmorphia, I like. Sure, I'd love to be smaller than a fish once. Just for once. It's great to feel tiny. I think what's good for you to know with that is that you are smaller than a lot of fish. Yeah, so many things in the ocean are bigger than you, babe.

Well, fish are really, really scary and there's so many things in the ocean are bigger than you, babe. Well, fish are really, really scary. And there's so many things in the ocean that are so fucking scary. Well, and it's really scary for aliens that they're going to think that they're like a 2D sketch and then come out here and they can get swallowed by a Goliath. But they're thinking it's going to be, you know, whatever it looks like on that piece of paper. At first pass, I agree with you all that they don't speak English, that the aliens wouldn't speak human language. But then again, it's like, maybe they do. You know what I mean? Like, maybe they do. You know what I mean? Maybe they do.

Maybe they know. Maybe they've been studying us for a really long time. If they've been studying us, they don't need the records. We can't say that because that's the premise of the pod. We can't settle on that idea. If they've been studying us, then cancel the podcast. Cancel the pod. They've been studying.

They already know about Janelle Monae. They go, we don't need the podcast. We already already know it's the first word we hear from them that's how aliens come to earth is to get me and caleb to shut the fuck up oh my god that would be iconic and then we just started having them as guests on the pod if aliens knew what was going on here and didn't come help us i would be like we could really use your help figuring out this pandemic okay little bitch like i would just be like get down here we're in danger whatever you can offer help us live where you live because things are going really weirdly over here i don't think that they speak english i don't think they speak english i don't think they know anything about us i think that we go there and they're just like you know like doing like you know like i don't know but i think you guys are blessed not to have seen what we just saw.

Holmes thinks that the aliens are constantly in medical trouble based on the noise and physicality of what we're actually seeing. They don't have mouth. They don't have eyes. I just think it's for sure a different look completely. I feel like we could see an avocado and it could be like that's what they look like. Okay. These aliens, honey, they're serving us massive avocado vibes. They're simply a shape. Some scientist was like, stop making aliens in movies. It is so much more likely that they won't look like anything you could imagine. And that is scary to me. I would be shocked if they seemed

anything like us, but I mean, I hope they know stuff. It's cool to think about. I never think about space. So I like to, you know, occasionally escape there. I don't like thinking about space. Every so often I get really high and, um, think about space. And then I get really stressed out about how big it is. Aliens do not look like us, but I do know they're Christian. No, can you imagine? Aliens can't speak English, but do know jesus christ as their savior i'm like no matter avocado or us there's a cross hanging from their little neck yeah um i think that religion is gonna be a tricky one with them you know come on in you guys pick what you want we have a lot of scary ones i i think they would pick and i think shelby

will be on my side on this i think they would pick judaism every time that they would pick, and I think Shelby will be on my side on this. I think they would pick Judaism every time. I hope that they would. Every time they'd pick Judaism. I pray that they would. The coolest and most correct religion that exists. I hope that they don't pick any, but if they have to, I mean, I don't know. Can you imagine that's the first thing we go, well, you know, pick a team. Kind of is like that.

I don't know. I wonder if they have religion on different planets. Honestly, what I want from aliens if they exist is I want them to come to Earth for one day and tell the entire world that God doesn't exist and then leave and just see what happens. Well, wouldn't their existence mean that? I mean that. I would be obsessed with that. I would be so obsessed with that. If they come down and they're just like, sorry, guys.

They start with a sorry. It's a girl alien. Sorry. God isn't real with the languages i truly truly would want to send a mom from every country just saying like one word of advice because then if they happen to have studied one of our languages across the world it might you know translate and just be like wipe your butt or something from like a mom and you know anywhere okay that's all i wanted to say on that okay we love we need to hear from moms for sure i agree wait guys i think we have to take a little break oh my god it's break time it's break time get a little water get a little snacky us you guys have to listen to a message yeah and here it is.

And we're back from outer space. We're back with Holmes Holmes. So moving forward, the next thing I would put is I would put the shrill episode with the pool party with Aidy Bryant written by Samantha Irby, who we love so much. Sam. Annie, sweetie, are you sure you're not going to join us at the pool? I don't feel like swimming. It's insane that every single time I watch it, I find myself truly sobbing with joy. Like I just so I would want to send the pool party up for two reasons.

One, for them to know that not only skinny people dance. Okay. Sorry. Um, and two, you can feel joy with every single body you're hot. So they come here and we don't really need more people who suck, you know? And then also that we can swim. Sorry. What is this? They can live in air and swim. It's a big flex to let them know that humans can swim. Sorry. What is this? They can live in air and swim? It's a big flex to let them know that humans can swim. It's a huge flex. Okay, but something about the swimming. A.D. goes underwater. She goes underwater in the episode.

And she stays underwater for 10, 15 minutes. Long enough for them to think that we can fully go under there all day. Well, my fear is that they see that. No. And then they go, we can, they live down there. And then we all get drowned by the aliens. Yeah, they put us in there. They make us live in there, in the water.

They think we can. But we, in fact, we can't. Aidy can. Aidy's the only person I... Caleb's like, I'm okay if Aidy's trapped in water. No, I, what I was going to say say about 80 is that she is so fucking charming. She's so good in that whole show, but that episode particularly is just like, she sells every second of it so well. Because it's a fucking mind prison, you know?

That every fucking woman everywhere has been programmed to believe, you know? And I've wasted so much time and energy and money for what? For what, you know? I'm fat. I'm programmed to believe, you know? And I've wasted so much time and energy and money for what? For what, you know? I'm fat. I'm fucking fat. Hello? I'm fat, you know? Yeah, I wish someone would have said this to me when I was younger. Me too. Because it would have saved me so much time... and pain.

I wish I saw that episode of TV when I was way younger and if aliens, right? Yeah. And if like it's, that's why it makes me so emotional too. I mean, my mom who's still, yeah, is someone who's, I fucking love. So sorry. I don't know if I can swear. Um, who I love so, so, so don't make fun of me. My mom who I love so much. Um, she like, I grew up and she, you know, had like insecurities about weight my whole life. And then it fed into me and my sister. And it was like, I grew up and she, you know, had like insecurities about weight my whole life. And then it fed into me and my sister. And it was like, God, if all of us could see this and I've just felt safe swimming,

like moving to Florida was so freaking scary because I had to be in a swimsuit all the time. And I remember like, I have a lot of stomach hair and I have, you don't even like, there's so many layers of like things that you'd compare and just watching 80 finally feel like, oh my God, I can literally have fun at a pool and just like be myself it makes me cry every time she's so charming and incredible that's what this is all about I know I'm like I met so many people and I'm honestly

thinking about buying a crop top which I gotta say was not in the cards for me before but I just gotta get in that pool and everyone there was so hot and cool. It's just like the best. The thing about it is like that it's relatable in like so many different directions. Like the not wanting to be taking up a lot of space and then not wanting to like dance or being insecure about your body. Or like your friend leaves you at the party to go get fucked and then you're by yourself and you're like oh god so now i'm here and you like watch her navigate it all and then have like what she claims is the best day of her life and it's like that rocks and i love that she missed work sorry i support it um or like that she did skip some work but also uh i couldn't agree more and i can't help but notice that you know it is a group of mostly femme people and women and there's just so much joy in it also it's sorry it's outside sun is

shining there's trees in the background so aliens are gonna get a few more hints about our environment from this lots of balloons i want them to think that there's that many balloons around all the time um but yeah just i couldn't agree more. I think that if people came here, I would love to start in a place where we don't all have to hate ourselves when we're super hot and cool and we can dance and we can fucking swim. Holmes, you brought up something that I think is really fascinating in that, like so much of our own shit that we just deal with and carry through the world that has weight on us is from people before us, our parents, our grandparents, just generations of people who hold our identities, whatever,

not having the privileges that we have, you know what I mean? In terms of like wealth or knowledge or whatever. And I just think like, yeah, it would be so cool if like people that came before us could know about body positivity or could know about like being openly queer or could know about, you know, like so many dope things that are going on now that would have made us coming up after them so much easier. I couldn't agree more because like you start to hold anger at your parents. You know, I know when I started to like love my body at every size, I was like, I held a lot of anger at my mom because I was like, God, I could have loved my body so much sooner. But then it's like, I meet my grandma and my grandma's like, did you eat all those M&Ms in that custard cup? You know, like psycho. Um, she's very more aggressive than my mom and you see where it comes

from. And, um, Oh, right. When I rewatched it today, I got so emotional watching the episode again that I literally texted my mom and I was like, have you guys seen shrill? You guys need to watch it because it's like, yeah, if their generation, it just is so crazy that it could even be an issue in the family, your body or your sexuality. Like I, yeah, really hope that we exist for generations after us to have Shrill be a really normal thing. Like I was watching I Love Lucy the other day. Okay.

And there's an episode where literally her husband, the whole joke of the episode is that the husband drugs lucy so he can go on a night on town and it's funny and like everyone's laughing and like it's funny that he drugs her to knock her out to go out to have fun that is really funny yeah that's hilarious and i was like yeah don't get me wrong i was bent over laughing um i laughed hard no but i just like yeah if the mainstream television can be like shrill we're gonna be better people I will say there's one thing to me that's frustrating can I get a little controversial I would love there's something frustrating to me about the shrill pool party

scene and it's that Sam Irby gets to be a person who is so funny and also can write a scene that's so powerful and important that pisses me off i'm so mad at sam i'm so mad at sam for kind of having it all right in front of us you know what i mean it's insane when caleb does this caleb will text me and he's just like i'm literally so mad like it's done like i'm done and i'll be like because i'm so gullible i can't believe every single time i'm like i'm gonna be i'll be like because I'm so gullible I can't believe every single time I'm like I'm with I'll be with friends I'm like shut up and I'm like on my text like bated breath and then all of a sudden I'm like what's up and he's like got a dream role just got word from Mr. Hollywood and I'm next they're gonna sacrifice me at the Hollywood sign. Finally.

No, Sam is a friend. She won't be mad about this. She knows that I'm in love with her. Sam is so talented. She did an incredible job with the episode. Oh, the episode. And then like, since we have seen that, just the very end of the episode where it's like her as a little girl and she goes in the hotel pool alone. It just like makes me start crying so hard too.

Because swimming is fun. And we should all be able to swim. Do it. Get in the water. Get in the water. That's what I'll say to the aliens. Okay, notebook, get in the water. Sorry.

That's apart from the notebook. Okay, adding notebook to the record. Notebook's on. You know what? If that's how sex really worked, I would add it to the record because I really based my sexual life on the notebook for way too long until i found out no one can pick me up and pin me against i'm still basing it well someone could i look i could pick you up but you don't know you won't hook up with me and it was bad homes you made it really really really really really clear that you do not want to date me but i do think i could pick you up picking me up is different from picking me up

and fucking me against the wall okay well we'll try it we could shelby and i could both do that shelby and i could both fuck you against the wall i'm positive this has to be cut from i i don't can see me but i mean i do get goosebumps easily but yeah literally when i think about the episode i get goosebumps because i'm like, it's hard to not have anger that you didn't grow up even like, like I'm, I have jealousy for kids who, um, had that episode and I want everyone to watch it, including people in space. We didn't have a ton of time to get into more than just a couple of your things, but are there any other things that you just want to rattle off that you would put on your records? I would put pictures of trees and bridges just to get a sense of anything kind of going on.

I would do the moms all giving advice in different languages, good and bad, because we've all had it. I would also not include animals on purpose because I want there to be a lot of fear the first time they see one. I'm really sorry about that. Which is honestly, I kind of support that because we don't want them to see ants,

which vastly outnumber humans, and be like, these people should be in charge. Well, they should. They can carry so much weight. Well, and we can never let them know that. Okay, Caleb is really scared of ants kind of coming out. You should be scared of ants. You should be scared of ants.

Shelby and I are both scared of ants. Yeah. Have you seen what they can carry if they put their minds to it? Red ants, specifically, can band together to make... No, baby. No, baby. They can float if they band together. Red ants can float if they join together, and they can make boats, and they can carry

600 times their weight. Okay, so you guys both are like really anti-ants, and I had no idea. Yes, in a big way. If humans banded together in the water, we could not carry 600 times our weight. And we would drown. And we would drown. I feel like you haven't seen me swim next to Michael Phelps. No.

I haven't. No one has. You haven't seen that because he hasn't agreed to it. That hasn't happened, babe. I hate to be i hate call out culture but here we are then how can we both have 12 000 calories a day you tell me um yeah no i understand that i can't swim and carry more than my body weight but i do think that i'm not scared of ants i'm more scared of mosquitoes always happen well west nile virus

we'll we'll do that and I want to get really deep into West Nile on the pod. Mine is just like, I have scars from mosquito bites and I don't really need all these polka dots on my legs that are just from me not taking very good care while I was outside. You know? I also don't like that mosquitoes have preferences. Like there are people who are like, they don't really bite me. And you're like, what the fuck? Hush now. Hush, hush. No one believes you. There's also always the girl who's're like, what the fuck? Hush now. Hush, hush. No one believes you. There's also always the girl who's just like, God, they love my taste.

They love my skin. And you're like, yes, I'm just sweet. You're like, Ryan loves you too. Don't get everyone. Yeah. Okay. I think it might be time to play Delete It. Delete It. Which is not really a game.

I don't know why I said play. It's really just a segment, right? We're just going to kind of talk. Delete It. Holmes, we want to know what's one thing in all of human existence so embarrassing that we should scrub it from the records of humanity?

And I want to double check one thing with this. Which is that this means that it still happened but we're not showing it to people well we're scrubbing it from history so it happened to the people that it happened to but if you were to like look back on it it'd be gone cool because if we can prevent something i'd prevent a lot of bad stuff but yeah if we're just scrubbing it from the history well and we should we should give you a caveat so we don't want you to say war like a famine starvation homelessness any of the bats genocide we're against all of those things we are against those things he was like without genocide we wouldn't have comedy no

we are against all the big bad things in the world and we just want to say that you don't need to use this time to fight against that because we assume you are and if you're not we don't want to know that about you because we like you so far because we like you i love that what i would erase is porn and disney what wait was that porn in disney or porn and disney porn and disney why would you get why to explain yourself i don't even know where to begin with how upset i am right now what is porn done porn i would love a fresh start you know i would love for us to wait so you would delete porn just to to invent it okay that's brilliant actually that's brilliant i would do the same with apple

not the food i do that with internet i would do the same with apple i'm sorry i would do it with porn because i think porn could do something really incredible but we do have such you know kind of it's gone down a direction that you know i would love a fresh start i would love a fresh start from you know, kind of, it's gone down a direction that, you know, I would love a fresh start. I would love a fresh start from, you know. Keep it heterosexual this time. Yeah. Keep porn straight.

I would say get rid of some of the incest. Yeah. Maybe a little too much incest. Maybe a little too much production value on some of them as well, I'll say. Let's get more into amateur POV. I thought I was going to like a lot of stuff I didn't like. I'll say that. I thought I was going to like a lot. And then I was like, Oh, I don't, you know, this is interesting. But if we started pouring fresh over, I'd be excited. I'd love to figure

it out. You know, maybe there'd be less fake tits, violent blowjobs. Would you be fucking on cam? I wouldn't want to be a part of the industry, but I would just love if we could start it over. Cause I think porn can do something really helpful. And instead, it oftentimes, you know, makes 17 year old girls have like a horrible blowjob, you know, that they didn't want. Oh, scary, sad. Not give one, have one. Have one. Yeah, not give a horrible blowjob.

Have one happen to them. Yeah, it happens to them. What has Disney done wrong to you? What has Disney not done wrong? You know, I don't want to be a princess. I don't want to wake up from a kiss. I also don't want to. I don't like Disney girls.

I don't like when people are obsessed with Disney. Are one of you? You are, aren't you, Shelby? What? Oh, my God. You would just accuse Shelby of being a Disney adult. I'm sick. No, but if you're a Disney adult, that's fine.

I'm not trying to say I hate you. I just would erase you because it's like, even Disney bloggers, it's like, oh, cursive writing, Mickey and Minnie. Like, let's do a quote about like a castle instead of like, you know, how's your backyard? Like, you know, why are we always going to this place and buying, like, I just think Disney,

you love Disney. I would be happily erase disney i would delete the moment a sec a couple seconds ago where you accused me of being a disney adult i would yeah i would delete that too i know that must have hurt yeah it sucked i'm having a bad time now i want to explain it which is that a lot of disney heads are really cute shelby and so it's not my fault. Yeah, that's true. Aw. Aw.

I work with this one girl who I love and she knows how I feel about it. Disney people are the kind of people who think they can like wear a Harry Potter watch and it's like, that's okay to do. And it's like, well, it's not. You know, like I'm not okay with you wearing like, you know, a Mickey shirt in your 40s. Holmes is like, I want to undo porn because everyone should be free. And then I want to execute porn because everyone should be free. And then I want to execute Disney adults. I want freedom and then I want new rules

and I want me to be in charge. I want everyone to feel like they can be themselves at the pool and then I want people to be killed if they wear a watch I don't like. Everyone can be themselves at the pool unless they're wearing a Disney bathing suit. And they're not allowed in. And they shouldn't be taught to swim. Don't start.

I sort of got, I know that you guys want a fun one. We're not doing War and Famine. I don't want the Disney people dead. I just want them to swim hard. You just want them re-educated, kind of considering new things. What would you guys get rid of? I know people can't ask you, but I'm curious. What would you do?

You can't say? What we can say, I think it'll just always be different so today right in this moment i would say um this specifically the monkey in the television show friends marcel i want his i want his arc erased i i there are episodes of friends i don't mind but when the monkey showed up i was like this has gone on too far i agree with that and i guess if we want to keep on the monkey theme, I would delete the moment that Justin Bieber brought that monkey from, from out of the country. And then it was this huge national news for like a month because he,

he left the monkey. I missed that. I would also get rid of just while we're on a curious George, mind your fucking business. The little hat. i'm sick of it him and his little human helper get rid of them this is the last one straight guys the plaid shorts that are long as capris that's it i'll say it absolutely get rid of them eastern european dudes love to wear a male capri and i i don't like the male capri i can't understand it they're usually so

hot and then you see them in a male capri if i've had a crush on you for two plus years and i see that it goes away like it was never there dries up like the sahara the shoes that match with the male capri the ones that are like weirdly smooth yeah yeah they have like no texture or design that i also want gone oh i would get rid of those fucking shoes that have their toes room for your toes. Whenever people are wearing those, I'm just like, get out of here. I'm like, I love shoes. Delete it. So you can't get rid of those. A lot of boulders wear those. And that's more reason I want to, I want to get rid of, I'm deleting bouldering. Sorry. Okay. Now Holmes. Yes. Now that you've offended me and my people, the boulders and the Disney adults.

I know, I'm going to get hate mail about the Disney kids, seriously. Well, your first mail will be from me, but I'll send it USPS. A gang of bouldering Disney adults is going to be at your fucking doorstep. If you send Holmes hate mail, make sure you send it USPS. So now we're going to play a quick little game. This or that. You have 60 seconds. We're going to name like this or that.

Like M&M's or Skittles. And you'll just have to pick one and we'll keep going for 60 seconds. The most important thing you can do is just pick. Don't pass. Don't say neither. Don't say both. Just make a strong, important choice. I think that's my, that's how I would win. Oh, and you can win by the way. I love it. That's how Caleb's like, that's why I'm always a winner. Okay. Let's go. 60 seconds starts now. Go. Hannah Montana or Suite Life of Zack and Cody?

Hannah Montana. Being always kind of sweaty or being always kind of smelly? Sweaty. Loud breathers or loud chewers? Breathers. Idaho or Wisconsin? Idaho. Spork or skort? I love both. Skort. Skort.

A gym filled with hot people or a library filled with ugly people? Library. Ant the bug or ant the person? What did you say? Ant the bug or ant the person? Yes. Bug. Lizzo or Beyonce? Lizzo.

Hug or kiss? Kiss. Dr. Pepper or Dr. Meredith Grey? Dr. Meredith Grey. Last one. Your mom or your sister? Fuck off. Sister.

Fuck. Big W for Candace in the 11th hour. We are so sorry to your mom. That's brutal. Big W for Candace in the 11th hour. We are so sorry to your mom. That's brutal. Huge win for Candace. Tough news for Kathy. Wow. This is massive news.

Kathy knows the truth. She knows what I'd have to do if it was really life or death and it would be Candace. I hate to say it. Well, everyone in my family knows where they stand. It's a ranking. If I have one life raft and you're all drowning, it mom first a bunch of other people and then dad that's just how it is i always beg i always beg my mom to tell me where she thinks i rank and everyone else in the family's rankings yeah i go where do you think i land on harrison's where do you think

i'm at with our third cousin homes Holmes, it has been a delight to talk to you just for this once. We never talk outside of this. And it's been a delight to do it here. I can't wait to speak soon. No, I seriously love both of you. This podcast is just so great and fun. And it was an honor to be on. Is there anything people, people can see you on Twitter doing videos. You're so funny and tweeting about lately more important stuff, which is what I think we've all kind of been doing. But you're so funny on there. You're going to be in a freaking Fox pilot.

Where else can people see you? Is there anything else you want to plug or anything you want to say that's not about you even? Or do you want to compliment us? What do you want to do? I want to say that I have nothing to plug for myself. Yeah, please watch the show if it comes out ever. But I just hope that everyone is staying sane. Watch the things I'm sending to space if you haven't because they're incredible.

And also, I just want to say, everyone, please watch Caleb and Shelby and all their comedy stuff you guys do. Really, because you guys are the funniest people in the world. And I have one more thing, which is that I would send more stuff to space. So just know that I'm not a psycho that would only send like two things to everybody. Yeah, that's on us, not on you, baby. Well, thank you so much. Yeah, we kind of have a time limit. I know. We love on us not on you baby well thank you so much have a time limit i know we love you we love you it sucks that homes has to die now yeah let the pods over That was a Hidgum Original.