Keeping Records - Shelby's America

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

Caleb and Shelby sit down for a little one-on-one in the studio to discuss the biggest names of our generation: Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson, Reba McEntire, Shelley Duvall, and Heath Ledger.  They also carve out some time to hone their improv chops but somehow only get to two of your additions to the Golden Records. But as always, they're perfect, just like all of you lil freaks.  Your Record Additions: The Reba Theme Song (Audio) Pizza with Ranch (Food) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello and greetings to everyone! Peace be upon you! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, This is Keeping Records, the musical. Chiffon. Well, Chiffon, that's how it feels when she's on me. Wow. Shelby. Caleb. Well, how are you?

Okay. And pick something fun to say. Don't do one of the truths. Do something fun. Oh, it's a gorgeous day in Los Angeles. It actually is beautiful out today. Beautiful day in sunny LA. It's a beautiful day out in sunny Los Angeles.

Get outside, walk your dog, or adopt a dog to walk. Open your window and clean your bedroom because you've been living in filth for three and a half weeks. My God, get outside. It's gorgeous there. Nobody in LA has a job. Let's start there. I literally, I love how unemployed people are in LA.

It's so fun. There's always someone to hang out with. I don't have a job right now and I'm vibing. It is tough if you ever want to go to lunch on a work day because in another city it's, you can get a table, no problem. Yeah, well, okay, okay. I was going with, you go ahead, you go ahead. Well, it's hard to find company. Hard to find company elsewhere, hard to find a table in L.A.

Come on, though. Because people are getting lunch in the middle of the work day, no problem. Hey, people in the middle of the day in L.A., they're walking around doing nothing because they don't got jobs. What do you think someone's doing at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday? I got to tell you, it's not working. The accompanying face. I do go.

I visit other places and I try to get lunch in the middle of the day. No one's free. Everyone's like, oh, could we do after five? No, we can't do after five. I have stuff to do with the people I have fun with. That's dinner, babe. I asked for lunch. You were the lunch thing. I asked for lunch. You gave me dinner. Also, how

often do you have an opportunity to or a reason, really, to leave your day job in the middle of the day? What would you say is a specific... Horrible. Horrible. You were going to ask me what's the worst thing? Oh, the best thing. Probably sex.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What were you going to ask? Never mind. My question was ultimately boring. You can't say never mind.

I have to. It's the pod. No, cancer is really bad, for real. Do you feel that way? Right now? No, cancer is bad. I mean, cool when bad people get it though, right? But when was the last really bad person? Rush Limbaugh?

Alright, touche. Rest in dirt, bitch. It was awesome when he got cancer. Because when cancer takes someone bad, you're kind of like, well, it all evens out. Did that justice ever confirm COVID or has it always been? Wasn't there someone? Justice Ginsburg?

No. She's dead. Clarence Thomas has COVID? Well, he had flu-like symptoms that hospitalized him, but it wasn't. Well, he needs to die too. Clarence Thomas, go ahead and die, bitch. No one do anything to him unless you really want to. I mean, I'm not going to.

I can't be involved because that's really wrong and i would never be involved but yeah for the audio listeners that wink did nothing yeah well if you want to if you want to head on over to youtube you can see i think someone i think no one should do anything to clarence thomas he should live oh i hope clarence Thomas lives longer. I really hope Clarence Thomas doesn't have life-ending COVID-19. I can't believe this podcast became the Joe Rogan experience flipped on its head. Liberal Joe Rogan. That's what we are, people.

I hate that you said that. Do you understand that? We are liberal Joe Rogans. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. I'm Joe Rogan. You're Jordan Peterson. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. I'm Joe Rogan.

You're Jordan Peterson. No. For gay people. Yes, we are. No. Yes. All right. Well, at least I'm a doctor.

You're what? From Survivor eating bugs? I'm doing pretty well, babe. Fear factor. I'm doing pretty well. I own a compound in Texas. No, we are Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson for liberals. I hate what you're saying.

They love us. All right. Everybody, pronouns, you know. Pronouns are good. And we should have a million dollars by now. Well, that I can't fight with. Well, if we just say enough. Actually, we should go really political on here.

No. No, I won't. Clarence Thomas lived forever. What do you want to talk about? No guest. No guest this week, you guys. That's why the vibes are absolutely off. Let me ask you something.

What? Fuck, marry, kill. Oh, all of them. And that's so powerful. I wanna... I wanna fuck, I wanna marry, and I wanna kill. Fuck, marry, kill, fuck, marry, kill. How about that? I would fuck...

I would marry, fuck. Okay, sorry, this is gonna get really confusing really quick. I would marry, fuck, I would fuck, marry, and I would kill, kill. I would kill fuck. Okay. Sorry, this is going to get really confusing really quick. I would marry fuck. I would fuck Mary and I would kill kill. I would kill kill. Murder has no place in our society. Especially not a sitting Supreme Court justice. Hold on.

Sing Sarah McLachlan. If you're out there and you're killing, I want you to hear me when I say, stop. You're hurting others and you're hurting, most importantly, yourself. Thank you, guys. I don't know any of the words. I would probably kill, kill. I would fuck, fuck. And I would marry, marry.

I would just keep it all pretty simple. All right. I married fuck and I fucked marry. Yeah. Have you paid your taxes yet? I just emailed my accountant yesterday. So they're getting filed soon. But, you know, he has to get on his shit because now I've done my job late, but I did it.

You sent your stuff. Sent my stuff. So now it's up to him to get it done by whenever that day is. Yeah. When that day comes, that day comes, he's going to pay my taxes. Well, he's not going to pay them. He's going to file them. I'm ultimately responsible to pay them.

Can I say something? What's up? You are so beautiful. What? And this is going somewhere. You are so beautiful and talented and funny. But not what I think. No, hold on.

You have a beautiful singing voice as well. You're one of the most talented comedians I know. You're a beautiful human being. You're one of the most loyal people I've ever met in my life. You're one of my closest friends on all of my letters. I'm waiting for a butt and that's the worst part. There is a butt. Yeah, I know.

I could not do life with anyone else. It's such an honor to be doing life with you. I saw a picture of you yesterday that was so ugly. The one I texted you? Guys, I did a show the other day. You texted me a picture. I did a show the other day, and a lot of times, for those who don't know, showrunners will hire a photographer for the show.

Really in LA? Really in LA, every show has a professional photographer? Every show has a photographer and they're taking some headshots and they're going further and they're taking pictures of the show. And these LA comedy photographers

are obsessed with laying down on the ground and taking the picture from underneath. Yeah. Some of them will get, let me be clear, a lot of them will get at least two really good ones. Barack Obama.

But this photographer sent me a Dropbox file. Barack Obama. This photographer. Let me try. They sent you a Dropbox. They sent me a Dropbox link And the pictures weren't good And the pictures

Southern Does he not kind of have I know he's not southern But he does kind of talk southern What you're picking up is that he lived in Hawaii Oh my god I always forget that they Are very similar places And Ohana means family for what it's worth

And Mahalo means something else And ohana means family, for what it's worth. And mahalo means something else. And aloha means both hello and goodbye. Folks. This is a beautiful episode of the pod. What if we put out like a six-minute episode of the pod? That'd be crazy. All right, guys, but it was so good. Anyway, they sent you a so good. So they sent me a Dropbox link and I'm scrolling through, I'm looking at the pictures.

None of them really scream like I'm gorgeous, you know, but one of them screamed so loud. I'm the ugliest person in the world. I can't, I, part of me wants to post it on the Instagram, but the other part of me has already deleted it. You know? So it is one of the – the picture is me making a face I didn't know my face could make. I didn't know your face could make this face. And I have seen you in – I've seen you in every emotion and circumstances you could possibly see a friend in. It makes me afraid that I did it publicly because I had to have because the picture was taken. Shall we text me this picture and say, no, why would you as a photographer send me this photo?

Why wouldn't you as a photographer delete this photo? I texted back and said, all caps, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You are dot, dot, dot, so much more beautiful than this image. The image is so bad that I felt that I had to compliment Shelby. It is like that picture to a weaker person, kill, kill. Well, we're going to blur that probably. Casey, how easy will it be to blur that? It's not.

Hold it real still. You'll blur his whole hands and stuff. Can't be blurred. It is. Do you want to see the worst image of me ever? This is, I actually can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm, I'm, you, you're partnered up. I need people to want to fuck me and date me. By the way, if you're a single gay man. Guys, finally a single gay man that's hot, date Caleb. Actually, actually, don't respond. Because anytime I try to do something like this, I'm always trying. Like, sometimes on Instagram, I'll be like, if you're cute and have a crush on me, hit me up. And the fucking people who hit me up.

I mean, warlocks, gremlins, people who live in Connecticut. I mean, the list goes on. It doesn't make any sense. You're going to love something someone put on the records. And Anya, this does give you a job. I'm not ready to stop being just me and you yet. No, you're going to. This is us being us.

That's the thing. Okay. Plug your ears so you can be surprised. It stresses me out to have change, but I'm going to go along. Okay, wait, Caleb, you can unplug your ears. I'm going to text on you. Okay. Well, listeners, yeah.

I mean, basically I am single. But more than that, he's strong. Actually, I am really physically strong. Shelby, when was the last time you felt my muscles? It's been a while. It's been since we lived together, I think. Get on there. You want which part of the arm?

The bicep, because that's the good one. Yeah, fellas, you've got to feel that. You wouldn't even know what kind of stuff I could lift. I get called to move couches a lot for friends, which is crazy because my attitude really lets people know I'm not coming to help you move the couch. People still call because I'm so strong and they can't help themselves. The interesting thing

about when Caleb and I lived together is that I was the move the couch bitch. What? I was the do the housework bitch. Well, only if it was something that I really didn't want to do.

It was like hang up a shelf. Yeah. But that's because I was also trying to help you really explore your gayness. Really come to find who I am. Really the only reason Shelby and I stopped living together is because I felt that I had completed my journey with her. I met her and she told me she was 100% straight.

And I said, let me get this young woman. Let me get this young woman to queer. Let me take this young woman on a journey to queer. And I did that. And once I felt that my work was, I'm sort of like Nanny McPhee, you know, or what's the other one, the bitch with the thing in the. Fran Drescher?

No, the old one. The old one that has the. Mary Poppins. Yeah, Mary Poppins. I'm like her. You know, I come around when I sense that someone needs to be gay. I make that happen.

And then I go off somewhere else. And that's why. You know what's crazy? It's such a boring thing I was about to say. Cancer. Cancer is fucking brazy, dude. Brazy. What were you going to say, though?

Something so boring. You were talking about nannies, then I was like Damn. Soda. No this is a black cold brew. I'm waiting for the part that I like. With my mama's will and God's amazing grace I'm a survivor.

This is the album version and not the I wanted to play the theme song But she couldn't find it Let it ride Let it ride No no No where's the

Not even Reba What's the good part That's not Reba It's Reba That's not Reba It's Reba I'm sorry to say Deep fake That's deep not Reba. It's Reba. That's not Reba. It's Reba. I'm sorry to say. Deep fake.

That's deep fake Reba. That's Rebo. On the album version, are we going to get to the part I want? Hold on. Oh. What? Oh, I forgot to eat today. My stomach just started growling.

You forgot till now? We talked about lunch earlier. We talked about it, and then I forgot to eat today. My stomach just started growling. You forgot till now? We talked about lunch earlier. We talked about it, and then I forgot to do that. Who I am is who I want to be. No, no break. I'm a survivor. A single mom who works two jobs. That's what I wanted to get to, ultimately.

Never stops. One thing about Reba, she was never working in that show. She was always sitting around the house showing off the kids or putting up with some of Barbara Jean's bullshit.

Have we talked about Roseanne on this podcast? Oh my God. Have we? I don't know. I could talk forever. The original Roseanne series before she

went off the rails, man, that was some good stuff. And then she started getting weird. Yeah, well, I think if you have a hit TV show and you're like a cultural icon, we just don't let you be on social media after that. We say you did the thing. You just go off and be in private and we say, single man. Hey.

There we go. It's changing fast. Who I am is who I want to be. Come on. Single mom works too hard. He never stops. With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter.

I'm a of a fighter. I'm a survivor. And then just right then, Barbara Jean would bust through the door and be like, Reba! And she's dressed like her or something. You know, Barbara Jean, you say what you want about her, but she was never a dull day.

She was never a dull day? She was never a dull day when Barbara Jean's around. She's a little... And then someone put the Reba theme song on and I thought you'd like that. She's annoying and she does too much. Yeah, she did steal Reba's husband, but never a dull moment

when you got BJ around. BJ. Whoa. So. so and Brock was a character too fuck you don't know that's so true what do you think women

what do you think women like Barbara Jean what makes them so special sorry I was reading drama from the ask what's okay I live with my ex because we own cats together and my current boyfriend hates it. Already stupid. Already stupid. We live together because we own cats.

Get rid of the cats. Also, cats plural sounds like it's an easy split. One to one. Right. Also, get rid of the cats. Who cares? Maybe the cats really like each other, but they will learn to be independent. Also, one of you take the cats or get rid of both the cats.

Or one of you take one cat, one of you take the other cat. But if they really like each other, I'm saying learn to be independent. Also, one of you take the cats or get rid of both the cats. Or one of you take one cat, one of you take the other cat. But if they really like each other, I'm saying. Oh, okay. Even still. And then who doesn't like it? Their current boyfriend. What is the gender of all these people? Well, I haven't asked. Take a guess. You can usually guess.

Don't say that. You can usually guess people's gender I don't know it's actually really hard to go to this person's profile another person said my boyfriend went on two dates with my cousin

who's a model let me tell you something if I ever tell the story of my boyfriend going on two dates with my cousin, I'm not including the fact that they're a model. Yeah, I'm saying my cousin who's ugly and bad. My cousin who has a horrible credit score. I'm never giving up the model information.

Go ahead. This one's not drama to me. Missed a major event for a major family member because I slept. Okay. Wake up. What are you talking about? Ring, ring, ring. I'm your alarm. wake the fuck up. It's so

It's like why would you be Why would you be so mean He said okay Wake up Why would you be so mean? He said, okay. Wake up. Well, a major event for a major family member? Because I slept? Yeah, it doesn't say overslept.

It doesn't say slept in. You had to oversleep. What, you were just sleeping and it happened? Hey, look. Maybe that's what they meant. Maybe they meant I was asleep and a major event happened and I regret? Hey, look. Maybe that's what they meant. Maybe they meant I was asleep and a major event happened and I regret having gone to sleep. I don't think. Okay, wake up.

Wake up. Ring, ring, ring. That's your alarm. Do you know what I'm loving about post-COVID world? It's about kind of the same thing. I'm loving when you can tell someone's making up a COVID scare to get out of something. You know what I'm loving about post COVID world. It's about kind of the same thing. Uh, where, like where I'm loving when you can tell someone's making up a COVID scare to get out of something. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know.

I don't know if this has happened to you yet, but I have, I have witnessed this and also have considered doing it myself, but where someone will be like, Hey, got a, got a, got a positive rapid,

probably just a false positive, but want to play it on the safes. I think like preload, they preload the like, Hey, when you see me on Instagram stories doing something else in 24 hours

it's because I was just being safe because it was rapid and we know they get false positives I'm loving this I think it's beautiful well yeah

it gives us a really safe out where it's like I'm actually doing this for you more than anything else yeah it's like flaky people have now gotten to be righteous

now it's not just that you're flaky good for flaky people we didn't ever have enough going for flaky people. You guys needed a win. And finally you got it. You guys needed a win. COVID was for you.

COVID was for flaky people. I remember at the beginning when it wasn't even, like it was in like other countries and we weren't even really doing anything about it here yet. And people were like, oh, sorry, I'm really worried about this COVID thing. And it was like, yeah, the flakiest friends, they were really getting on it.

There was something about that period of time that like looking back on is so embarrassing of like making jokes about like yeah okay we're not gonna go cause of COVID do you remember what I'm talking about like we really didn't think it was gonna turn into anything I never joked like this yes you did I never joked like this

as soon as I heard about this I said this is serious Caleb and I were doing jokes in a group chat about a show we ran together in Chicago being like, I guess we should cancel the show. The funniest thing ever is that Shelby and I ran a weekly show together in Chicago for two years. Weekly live

show. And it was absolute chaos every time. And we canceled it one week for COVID because we were like, that's a little scary. The only time we've ever canceled the show. Only time we've ever canceled the show. I mean, we did it. Rain, shine. Two people in the audience.

We did the show. Canceled it once for COVID. Never happened again. That was our last show. Rest in peace, baby girl. Our last show was the week before. You were really powerful when you were. Hey, rest in peace, baby girl.

Rest in peace. I always want to say rest in peace to my new show. It was weekly comedy show in Chicago because when it was up, it was up. And when it was down, it was up. And when it was down, it was down. If it's up, then it's up,

then it's up. But yeah, that show was really good and I loved it. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Oh, I learned you're not

supposed to say rest in power anymore. Or you maybe never were. What's up say rest in power anymore. Or you maybe never were. What's up? Rest in power is not something white people are supposed to be using. I learned online. I think that probably makes sense. I didn't know that.

I thought it was just like a thing everyone said. I didn't realize it was specific. I hadn't thought about it a lot, but I think I always kind of thought that. White people, stop saying rest in power. Do we have any white listeners? If we have white listeners, don't say rest in power anymore. I think we have a lot of white listeners. Delete Ed Sheeran.

We can't. Sorry. What did he do? I don't know. What did Ed Sheeran do? And I gotta tell you guys, my dad, in a bad way, loves Ed Sheeran. He's gotta stick around. What did he do? I don't understand what he did. People just don't like the guy.

I saw so many, and I've seen people, what I feel like is people don't like him because he's ugly. And I'll concede on that. He's not cute to me. Caleb says, and I will not fight for that.

I'll concede. He's not cute to me. But I've seen so many people try to reverse engineer reasons that we don't like him. Like being like, his song's about women. It's like, shut up.

He wrote songs about being like, oh, women are hot. What's the problem? He feels that way. His songs are mostly about his now wife and being like, you're perfect. Right. Let the little freak play his songs. He did write that one song about cocaine. Which was awesome.

The song was a banger. It was the A-Team, right? Banger. It's like really slow. Can we play the A-Team by Ed Sheeran? Are you ready to sing? I forget what it sounds like. I know.

Am I ready to sing? There's a bear shit in the woods. Oh. Ad. We wouldn't know. They have ads? A-Team, Ed Sheeran. This next one is 18 by Ed Sheeran.

This does not happen at the start of the song. No, this is outdoor noises. White lips, pale face. Breathing in snowflakes. Right. Shout out to everyone who displays when you plug your phone into the car. You. Daydreams in the class of 18 Seconds of daydreams Been this way since 18

But lately, I've faced it Some are thinking wasting Crumbling like pastries They scream The worst things in life come free to us We're just under the upper hand. Come out for a couple grams.

You don't want to go outside tonight. And then I Let's cut that. It kind of sounds like Jimmy Fallon doing Mary Gibb talk show. Like that. He kind of sounds like Jimmy Fallon doing Mary Gibb talk show. Like that.

You have a beautiful voice. That's the best I've ever sounded. So. No. What's your favorite quality about me? What's your favorite quality about me? What's your favorite quality about me? Hair. No, I'm kidding.

Patience, probably. Patience for specifically me. You have patience for almost nothing else. Something untrue. Yeah, I was going to say. You have patience for almost nothing else, but you have some Yeah, I was going to say. You have patience for almost nothing else, but you have some patience for me. I do.

What's that about? I don't know. Oh, no worries. I don't know. What? What are you doing? I'm going back to the answers. I don't care about the answers.

Oh, okay. I want to talk to you. You know that I recently rewatched... You stay there, okay? Do you want to do an improv scene? Okay. Okay. This is an improv podcast now. Yeah, okay? Do you want to do an improv scene? Okay.

Okay. This is an improv podcast now. Yeah, we'll just do a quick improv scene. Casey and Anya, we just need... I'm holding a box in my hand. Something that can fit inside of this box. A cat. Let's do something else.

Casey? We just talked about the cat thing. Let's do something else Casey we just talked about the cat thing let's do something else we've done a lot of cat content you guys are cell phone cell phone thank you cell phone

okay we are keeping records and this is cell phone cell phone what's that thing where they

where the team goes together I'm already in hey girl what's up What's that thing where the team goes together? I'm already in. Hey, girl. What's up? I'm sorry. Can we cut? I didn't like how you... Can you just make it...

Because you just said, what's up? And I was like, I want you to make it. You called. Okay, back in. What's up? Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Hey, boy. What are you doing this weekend?

I had that fishing trip. You're going fishing again? Again, yeah. You're such a slut for fishing, I feel. I know. I know. Well, because I didn't catch anything last time. Yeah. What are you doing this weekend? I don't I know. I know. Well, because I didn't catch anything last time. Yeah.

What are you doing this weekend? I don't want to talk about it. Seems like you called me to fish for me to ask you what's going on with you. Stop. You're being bad.

What are you doing this weekend? I'm going out with Derek. No. Yeah, I'm going out with Derek. No. I'm going out with Derek. Why?

Because I have nothing else going on. Yeah. Who are you going fishing with anyway? Cousin. Anyway. Do you just want to walk into my room and we can put the phones down? Yeah, I guess. Okay. Okay, I'll see you soon.

See you soon. Kisses. Okay, come to my room. Bye. Okay. I'm going to hang up. No. Those are footsteps.

Huge house we live in. It's massive. It's massive. Nobody's house is as big as ours Come in Entre vous Entre vous Hey bitch It's me Yeah no I yeah

I'm gonna fuck Derek this weekend God that sucks No it's awesome Because What? I think I'm in love with him No We just went through this

I think I'm in love with your cousin Derek But if you So what am I not going fishing? It's a different cousin. You usually go fishing with your other cousin, I thought. Are you going fishing with Derek? We're supposed to go fishing with Derek. Hold on.

I left something in my room I need to go get. Scene. Level one improv show. That was actually kind of good. That would kill at the I.O. That would actually kill at the I.O. Okay. In Chicago? Illinois.

Our producers are yelling break, break break break cheering chanting screaming for it I was asking Anya if we should take an ad break what were your thoughts I don't know why we are interrupting the show

for an ad break Anya and Casey your suggestion is you guys are going to do an improv scene real quick just an audio one your suggestion is... Ads. No, your suggestion is... You guys are going to do an improv scene real quick. Just an audio one. Your suggestion is... Your suggestion is...

Bankers who... Have a secret. Bankers who have a secret. Action. I can't tell you about the banking thing. Okay, Casey. And then respond to give an emotion. I need to know. Because I need to bank.

Okay, I'm gonna tag you both out. Caleb, are you tagging in? We'll pick it up. We'll pick it up. I can't go to banking headquarters with you next week. Because of the secret? Yeah. So the secret means that you can't.

I just really thought, like, we've been working here for 18 years. I thought maybe if you had a secret, you would share it with me. I can't. Why not? Because I'm gay. Is that the secret? Yes. Well, then you just told me.

That's why you always did that. It's because I'm gay. It all makes sense. Oh my God, is that also... Oh my God. Why I sleep with men, yes. I always told you it was an experiment. It's not.

Oh my God. I don't even work at UCLA. What? I'm gay. Okay, it just like, this changes like a lot of things for me. Do you have a gun? And scene. And scene.

And then we'll go to the ads. Here's my improvised ad. This episode is sponsored by Big Big Corporation. And they have got great, great, great deals going on for you over there. You have got to check out Awesome Product now. Okay, that was our first ad, and this is our second ad. This episode is brought to you by InfoWars. They got their own thing going on over there.

Go check them out. That's ad number two. And if you're already listening to this, you've got to just hop on over there. Stop listening to this. That's ad number two and then you can do ad number three. Ad number three is, are you not taking care of yourself? Are you guys not taking care

of yourselves? You guys gotta take care of yourselves. It's time to feel like you guys are fucking lazy, disgusting hogs. Well, someone can help with that. I'm sorry. That's it. help with that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Different ad.

This ad, this podcast is brought to you guys by our beautiful sponsor, The Concept of Kindness. Wouldn't it be nice if there was more of it? Wouldn't it be nice if there was kindness? Then we wouldn't have to be so sad. Oh. Welcome back. Welcome, Park.

Welcome, Beak. Welcome, Beak. Oh, no. Chirp, chirp. Welcome, Blake. Blake. You have to do a Blake Shelton impression. Well.

That was top to bottom, my Blake. Blake. You have to do a Blake Shelton impression. Well. That was top to bottom, my Blake Shelton. My stomach hurts so bad. I should have eaten. I'm going to get the flu from Caleb because his stomach hurts. No, it's literally from not eating today. That was a mistake. Fuck.

I just got busy. You know how it goes. Welcome beak. Chirp, chirp how it goes. Welcome beak. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Welcome beak. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Guess what movie I rewatched recently? Which one?

Coach Carter. Never seen it even once. You haven't seen it? What's it about? Basically, it's a movie about a basketball coach who... He cares more about his team's grades than his team's win-loss record. And he's the only person in town who seems to have this point of view. Terrible basketball coach. No, he's really good. No, he's gotta be a good mentor, but he's a bad basketball coach. 16-0, he locks his team out of the gym because they

got bad grades. Unrealistic story. It's based on a true story, by the way. But it's an unrealistic one. What? It happened in real life. It's based on a true story, by the way. But it's an unrealistic one. What? It happened in real life. It's based on a true story. It's not true to form. It's true to what happened in real life. 16-0, he locks his players out of the gym. No more basketball until we get those grades up, gentlemen.

And then basically, it's a story about one man's fight to get people to understand his point of view on the grades. But don't you think that's kind of like nerd point of view? Nerd point of view? Nerd point of view. I think he's trying to develop young men and not just hoopers. Ball is life. Ball is life, but also sometimes you have to go to class. Okay.

Let's turn the cameras off. Are the cameras and mics off? Good What the fuck was that? I don't want to watch the movie You don't have to watch the movie I was like explaining it to you Coach Carter's a beautiful foundational film for a lot of people Foundational?

A lot of people think it's a part of the foundation Of what? Their fucking stuff I just think it sounded like maybe uh he was less of a coach and more of a mentor which is what i said i just think it's fucked up that like i bring up something i'm passionate about welcome back you guys we're gonna talk about the gayest song out this week and it's and it's huh what's that one that charlie xcx it's probably that one right charlie xcx whatever she just put out a whole album that was probably one of them gayest song And it's Huh What's that one that Charlie XCX It's probably that one right Charlie XCX

Whatever she just put out A whole album That was probably one of them Gayest song out this week Probably one of them Right Well Maggie Rogers Just released an album

Is her stuff gay I don't think she is But I would say that Her fan base is She has gay fans A lot of them Huh I'm a fan

And you're gay. Yeah, in the ways that count. Sexually? Uh-uh. No. No. Oh, okay. No, sexually I'm trisexual.

I'm trying to have sex. That was going to be the joke, and he's pissed because I trying to have sex. That was going to be the joke and he's pissed because I got to it first. You stole the punchline. Wait, someone straight up did steal my punchline at a show recently. Who happened? I was telling a joke and... Did you joke?

No, then one of these people is going to come steal another show. But I left like room for emphasis yeah gotta be careful with that and someone just filled in the blank which joke was it

um oh well that's an easy one to fill in the blank on though but why would you do it I think the first time you ran that for me I filled in the blank but why wouldn. But why would you do it? I think the first time you ran that for me, I felt in the blank.

But why wouldn't you just wait? Sometimes you want to be part of the magic. And magic it was. That's when I pulled a bunny. I walked on stage to do a set on Friday night. As you know, you were there. Whoa. And before I could even get a hold of the mic. I walked across the stage.

I go to grab the mic. Wait, yes. A woman just yells, Kansas City, where I'm from. And I said, that's enough. Your portion of the show is over. No more. It was so crazy. She was cool.

I liked it. Well, and then Kayla paid a little bit more attention to her, and then she just said, I just wanted to say. She goes, I just wanted to say Kansas City. And I was like right you did that got it

it was so weird do you think she wanted to hook up I think didn't you guys hook up what cons is hooking up no but does it have to be like penetration or can it just be like

hand stuff hand stuff okay we didn't hook up you only did penetration? Yeah. Oh. And not the way you would think. What?

Basically, wait. What? Caleb's checking his phone right now. Hold on. I'm gonna bleep that. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Hello. I'm going to bleep that. Really bleep that. Yeah. I'm sorry. Hold on one second.

It's the president of Hollywood. With, I'm doing a podcast right now. Tell him you're with me. With Shelby Wolstein. Thank you. Did he say anything about that? She's like 5'3", dark hair. Much shorter than that. She's like

5'1", dark hair. Closer. She's Jewish. Did he care? Yikes. Yeah, but not cool. Okay. She's also gay. Did that turn you? Ish. That one worked. That one worked. Okay. Yeah. Trying to get in. That one worked. Yeah.

Trying to get in with Mr. Hollywood. Yeah. I could do two o'clock. What's up? It's four. It's a different day. Oh. Yeah.

Are Brad and Angelina going to be there? It's always so awkward when they show up at stuff. Okay. Love you. Bye. You love him? him sorry that was work um i'm back to the pod So Britney Spears is pregnant With who? Her boyfriend

He's In the stomach or he Part of him Yuck That's really cool What do you think they'll do? He's in the stomach or he? Part of him. Yuck. That's really cool. What do you think they'll do? Have it.

Well, I know, but then what do you think they'll do with it? Will it have to be a star or can it be normal? Well, her other two kids aren't stars. Yet. Yet. And that's something to look forward to. That's what we're here to talk about. Britney Spears' first two sons are taking over Hollywood. Britney Spears' first two sons were spotted at Craig's in Los Angeles.

Meeting with, you'll never guess this, Selena Gomez. And Scooter Braun, which they shouldn't be doing. Absolutely not. But we're absolutely excited to see what happens from this gorgeous collab. The pair were spotted canoodling on either side of Selena. The pair of brothers. Anyway, the new baby will be probably like them. What do you think is the best Britney song?

You have to pick one. Toxic. Can't even give runners up. Really song? You have to pick one. Toxic. Can't even give runners up. Really. Actually, everywhere. Every time, I mean. Sorry, what is everywhere? Really.

Every time I try to fly, I fall without my wings. I feel so small. Ask me mine. What's yours? This is a story about a girl named Lucky. That one. That one. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. No. Don't go back for seconds. I'm doing the melody. You do the harmony. I'm Alto Key. Do you ever get those?

Do you ever get those on your... On my Instagram reels, there's one guy who often used to do the, put this in reverse. Put this in reverse. Can you guess what song I'm singing? And it's him singing a song backwards. And then people started, I was reading his comments. People were like, you have a good voice. You should stop doing this.

So now he does, sing with me. I'm Alto Key. And then he does Alto Key. And then everyone else does so he's always like well he goes sing with me I'm Alto Key your note he's white by the way your note is and then it's like

name a song um sorry ants go marching in it'll be like your key is oh when the ants and so then key is, oh, when the ants. And so then he goes, one, two, oh, when the ants. And then he does it. And then he's alto key and you're supposed to be higher.

Sing with me. I'm alto key. Sounds like you're saying I'm out of key. No, he's Alto Key. Alto is low. Soprano is high. Baritone is lower. How much would it take to get you to never talk about this guy again?

Honestly, a lot because I see him all the time. And this is the first time I've ever felt the release of admitting it. For so long, I've kept it buried. For so long, I've been like, this is a secret I'll die with. Yeah. And now I've been like, okay, I get these videos of anyone else and I'm finding out from the room kind of no one is. You guys haven't seen him? That's no problem. I see him constantly.

And I think that that's fine. I think that's fine. Okay. This person added to their records. Pizza and ranch. Yum. What's your favorite pizza in the whole world? Place or type?

I'm telling you, if I could put a slice of pizza in front of you right now, and it can be from anywhere, be of anything. What is the slice I would put in front of you right now, and it can be from anywhere, be of anything, like what is the slice I would put in front of you? Fuck, I'm so hungry. Sorry, go ahead. My stomach, I'm really hungry. Go ahead, but still say your thing. Oh, you're going to pick something weird.

You're going to be like cheese and onion from *** or something. I'm sorry. *** does not make pizza. They only make avocado toast and acai bowls. And we'll bleep that. No free clout for the girlies. Go ahead. You know, where makes it? I don't have a favorite place that I could really name on the top of my head, but I think

you know what? And I will give free clout to this girly. Triple Beam. They have some really good, like they have a really good mushroom pizza. And they have a really good like one with honey on it. You know what was a really good pizza we had together? Was at Bakery. The pear and goat cheese pizza.

That was yummy. But if you could put one slice of pizza in front of me right now, especially if I'm eating it with ranch, I'm going Casey's General Store Supreme Pizza, no green peppers.

Yum. No green peppers. You heard it here first, folks. Green peppers are out this season. Red peppers are making their way back in. And yellow peppers, who are they?

Why is everyone putting food? God damn, this feels so targeted. Oh my God, walking on the walking escalator machine thing at the airport. The moving sidewalks. That thingy is cool. That thing's awesome. But you know what really makes me mad?

And this is not unique. I get that, but when it's closed. I don't like that. Let me walk on it, even if it's closed. Have it open. I can walk on it. Have it open and moving, by the it. Have it open and moving by the way. Anya has something to say.

I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. Let me say something. We were talking about broken escalators. Where it was like, still let me walk on the stairs. Right now we're talking about broken sidewalk. I'm going to throw up. I want you to pull the receipts.

I want you to pull the receipts. What episode? I'm going to look it up. I think it was... I'll look it up. Now that Anya and Casey are getting emboldened to talk on the pod, I'm actually loving it because you guys are getting a sense of the way that we get treated. We get treated so crazy in the studio.

Anya called me a faggot. I'm sorry. No. No. Take that out. That's not true. That's not true. Casey did it.

No. We're going to probably cut from here forward until when we were talking about something I guess we've already talked about. But that's no worries. I feel like we've been in here for three days. Something you guys don't know about the room is that while we did complain the other day for it being too hot, and then we, and then the next week we were like, oh, it's good now.

Well, it's taking a turn for the worse. It's taking a turn. The studio's now pretty cold. My nipples might be telling the story. No, they're not. No. I actually like being cold. Let's start there.

And let's end there. That's all I gotta say. I actually like being cold. Let's end there. And let's end there. That's all I got to say. Actually, I'm being cold. Let's start there. No, that's the end. Almost didn't need to be said. No, I just wanted them to know that I'm proud of the coldness. What do you think is the best thing you've ever learned in therapy?

That I'm not a candidate for vetting. That was the worst thing you've ever learned in therapy? That I'm not a candidate for it. That was the worst thing you've ever learned in therapy. Best thing. It really opened me up to knowing that I can't get better. That was really? I can't improve. I can't improve. I'm not a candidate for it.

I don't think I've ever learned something in therapy. Like, you know how people be like, I learned that I'm allowed to, like anything my therapist says to me, I'm like, oh. Yeah, it does seem like sometimes I'm being told something that I could have found on my own if I just gave myself five seconds. Not only could have found, have found.

Like my therapist will be like, this is why I stopped going. I haven't been to therapy in a while. I've watched a movie. They learn lessons in movies and I often learn those lessons. I learn it alongside them. I go on that journey with them as an audience.

Yeah, I'm like, oh, no way. I can actually advocate for myself. Like when a therapist will be like, well, you're putting validation. Guys, honestly, they'll go to therapy for real. You're seeking validation from people you don't need it from. And I'm like, duh. That's the whole reason I'm here. If I'm being honest, I don't learn much from therapy, but I get repetition from therapy.

It's like, oh, I'm doing that thing again. What's the thing? Not being a coward. I'm overcoming my cowardice. I'm doing that old trick of mine. Overcoming my cowardice.

Doing my best to be brave and strong. You've seen The Shining? No. Really? The one with... Jack Nicholson? No, haven't seen.

Is that true? I don't like watching old movies. They're usually not good. The Shining is very good, but the thing that I was going to tell you, you won't relate to at all because you haven't seen the movie. Oh, sorry. No, it's fine.

Next thing. Most movies made before like 1995 aren't good. I think this was made after that. No, it wasn't. The Shining? No worries. It's possible. Wasn't it made in like the 70s?

Gotta be 80s at least. Might be 80s. Okay, that's... Right on the cusp, baby, but I made it. Somebody barely wins that. Well, that means they probably shot it in the 70s, so I win in a way as well. No worries. I don't like, yeah,

old movies to me, people will be like, oh my god, you have to watch, you know, Starsky and Hutch or whatever the fuck. I don't know. They remade that in like 2008 with Ben Stiller. And that one was probably good. Remakes are usually good. I wouldn't say that. Because they update it with people I know.

Oh, it's about knowing the people? No, it's not only about knowing the people because like Jack Nicholson's in that. I know him, but I don't want to see him back then. Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Do you know what I'm talking about? I feel like I'm having a stroke again. There's a video. So, Shelley Duvall. Do you know what I'm talking about? I feel like I'm having a stroke again.

There's a video. So Shelley Duvall used to do these like videos. I think they were for books. Front facing. She was doing front facing. She was doing front facing. Shelley Duvall was doing front facing comedy POV videos. Can you put a video on there? Or is that out of the question by now?

She actually blew up. She got cast in The Shining because she did a front facing POV video. Where she was like, I'm the woman. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. She was like, I'mining because she did a front-facing POV video where she was like, I'm the woman. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. She was like, I'm the woman you don't want to run into at Trader Joe's. And she did that and she blew up. Do your I'm the woman you don't want to run into at Trader Joe's.

Where's the dark chocolates? I like dark chocolates. Because my cousin used to eat dark chocolate. Yeah, Shelley Duvall did I'm the woman you don't want to run into at Trader Joe's front facing POV video she blew up and then she signed with UTA and then yeah

she got there was actually a huge bidding war to sign her did you know that yeah it was between UTA and WME it's just so funny

and which we'll cut of course because I used to rep Caleb. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall.

Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. What are these for? I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. What are these for? I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall.

Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. Why is she doing these? Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall.

Hello. She's like in a graveyard. She's like in a cottage. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello.

I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Hello. Anyway. I'm Shelley Duvall. Was she considered hot? Yes.

Yeah? Yes. Well, at least beautiful. Because I think she's beautiful. Hello. I'm Shelley Duvall. Yeah, I just fell in love. I think she's beautiful.

I just am wondering, was she someone that she was considered sexy? Yeah. But I think she was always beautiful. Beautiful. And she always beautiful. Beautiful. And she is beautiful. I would agree. Well, The Shining actually, they say, the filming of The Shining drove her to insanity. Yeah.

I've read that. And Stanley Kubrick was really deeply unkind to her. And so she's actually a really different person now than she was. And that sort of shifted the course of her life. But the movie is really good. So a lot of other people, not me, would say it was worth it. So...

No, I wouldn't say that at all. But other people might. I wouldn't even go close. I've never seen that. I wouldn't know. It's a good movie. And I don't know if it would be as good if she wasn't so scared for her life. But I don't think it was worth it. Did she win any awards?

I would lose my mind. I think Jack Nicholson did. I would lose my mind to win an Oscar. If you're like, hey, you're going to do this role, you're going to win an Oscar for it. Are there any awards for The Shining? I did something mean with my hand. Shelby said, can we... I would never act like that towards Ani and Casey.

I'm not happy with how I behaved. I called it out because I wanted people to know that I know. She got nominated for Razzie. Oh, that's fucked up. No, and it really did not go well. And so did Stanley. He got nominated for Razzie, but the movie's unreal. But it was like one of those things that nobody got it.

Oh, but in time we started to. And now I'm strong. I don't like scary movies, so I'm suggesting this from a purely really smart standpoint. If you told me that I could win an Oscar, but the role would drive me insane and I would be crazy the rest of my life, which I know we're not supposed to say that, but I would do it. Okay. Didn't turn out good for Heath Ledger. Delete that.

No, we're keeping that. No, we're not. We're keeping that. We can't. That was crazy. That was fucking crazy. We're keeping that in. That was awesome, Shelby.

No, that was really awesome. I'm being serious. No. You really owned your power in that moment. I thought that was awesome. It'll get deleted. It's got to stay. It'm being serious. No. You really owned your power in that moment. I thought that was awesome. It'll get deleted. It's got to stay. It'll get muted at least.

Shelby said she was pro 9-11. And it was powerful because it's like most people don't think that. I think it brought us together as a country. I love it, girl. No. No, I love it girl no I love it girl yeah that's awesome Shelby said the financial crash of 2008 was good for poor people

cause it kept them in their place let them know their worth this is all staying in no it is. Obviously not. This has to stay in. It's so funny. I'm kind of on a roll.

You're the queen of comedy right now. You're like Lisa Lampanelli. You're giving it to everybody. Nobody's safe. 9-11 victims. No one's safe in Shelby's America. People who died of overdoses. Poor people. No one's safe in Shelby's America. Casey, you of overdoses, poor people.

No one's safe in Shelby's America. Casey, you don't have to do a bleep, but you have to do a mute. And a blur of the lips. What, Anya? Escalators, not moving sidewalks. Play it. Play it. I don't want to hear the podcast on the podcast.

Meta podcast. Torchy tacos, ancho aioli. Okay. The fuck is that? I've been gaslit. By Shelby and the producers. What's up? I've been gaslit. What?

Wait. What are the books up there? Do you guys want to tell us about those? Moon a Cover of Motivation, correct. Encyclopedia 123 and... Actually, 753. Crazy of me to count different. Crazy of me to count different.

This is... voyages. And then the other one is, people are learning how bad I am at reading and talking like eight minutes. And then introductory electronics for scientists and engineers. So, and this is my little friend. Wait, I will say, someone commented on our

latest TikTok and was like, I love visual gags for an auditory medium. And he might have a point about this one. Us just kind of talking about what's in our surroundings might not be good for the pod. We want them to, if you're just listening to this, I want you to know, like, where I'm at. I'm looking at books. That's a'm at. I'm looking at books. That's a good point.

That's a good point. I'm looking at books. That's a good point. They say encyclopedias. Encyclopedias. They say they're encyclopedias. And that is the truth. Dude, I would fucking kill for a chili cheese dog from Sonic right now.

Well, too bad, brother. You guys, this was an awesome episode of the podcast. Thank you guys for tuning in. I hope that all the Keeping Records heads out there, little freaks, I hope that you guys are living lavishly. And again, if you just send us $1,000 each, we can cure cancer. Unless you're bad. We'll keep it for the bad guys.

Because it is ultimately cool when bad people get cancer. Oh my God. Someone just admitted that they were the one who asked if we were still close. Whoa, are they regretful? Yes. What did they say? Wrecked to confess, I was the one who commented if you and Shelby were still close. I am sorry.

I guess I think you're doing the questions on the thing because I said you and Shelby. Guys, if you ever see someone doing something, it's Shelby. No, every once in a while you do a little thingy. But usually you do a lot. You're really good at that stuff. You connect with the fans in a really beautiful way. My boss is kissed in front of me. Two bosses.

This was an awesome episode and we loved hanging out with you guys like this and final round job interview tomorrow morning and i'm literally gonna puke i'm the drama okay girl let us know how it goes and we have so much fun connecting with you guys like this and talking to you on the pod. And we just want you guys to know that there is salvation through Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. I actually don't. I don't feel that way.

Shelby, let's be done. In the arms of the angel. I love what you said earlier about Heath Ledger. I thought it was awesome. That was so awesome. I was really proud of you in that moment. Is this over? Huh?

Is the podcast over? No, this is rolling. Well, then you can't say that. If I put it in as many places as possible, it gets hard to take it out. He can do it. He's really talented. Do you have anything to tell the listeners? No.

But I love you guys. And we'll end on a song. Which one? One, two. One, two, three, four. Let's give them something to talk about. Let's give them something to talk about. Talk about this.

Talk about this. What the fuck was up with Anya's energy? That was a Hiddem Original.