Keeping Records - Shitting Your Pants for Perspective (with Molly Kearney)

Episode Date: March 12, 2021

Comedian Molly Kearney builds a Golden Record full of the things the aliens could never dream of. What will they think of an animated film in which all of the characters are humanoid dogs, some of which are insanely hot? Sure, they could imagine a car, but what about a minivan with the door falling off and all the back benches removed, blaring the best piano rock tunes of the last fifty years? Do they have geode caverns on their planet? Probably not. A hug from Molly's mom? Not in their galaxy. There is also a lot of talk about pants-shitting and death-by-toilet. It is simultaneously our blessing and curse as a species. Molly's Artifacts A Goofy Movie (audio-visual) Not knowing your favorite chicken patty is vegetarian (multisensory experience) Driving in Molly's Ford Windstar with no back benches, sliding door falling off, and an Elton John Greatest Hits cassette stuck in player (multisensory experience) Crystal Cave in Put-in-Bay, Ohio (geologic formation) The bond between restaurant staff (human behavior) Hug from Mom (multisensory experience) The chewed up baseball from The Sandlot (human ephemera) A personal pedicab ride from Molly (human experience) Original Voyager Artifact "Tame Dog" (audio) Follow Molly on Twitter and Instagram! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo satan. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, it were you impressed yeah i thought it was awesome did you the way that you actually impressed if i said no you'd be mad if i say yes you ask if i'm serious i mean what what answer do you want from me well i i was thinking that you might not i wanted you to say yes i was thinking you might

not have meant it because i gave you kind of a puppy dog face that was like you have to say yes no i think you know the way that you held your breath for that long is impressive. Can I tell you something that you might not like? There's an enormous bug behind you. Other side. Do you see him? Oh, but he's so high. He's so far away from my head, he can never get me. Well, you better watch your mouth.

Well, the thing is, I also think it's dead. That's a big part of it for me, is that I do think that the bug is dead. I want to answer your question. I'm doing good. I, um, I'm unemployed, but, uh, that's feeling really fun. I don't focus on the bug. Focus on me.

I, I do. I do think it's, I think it's dead. Okay. I'm unemployed and we put a treadmill together. We bought a treadmill and built it together. Yeah, I did a lot of work on that. You did. You did a lot of the work, but I had to move it around, which was hard too.

Listeners, the thing about me and Caleb is that I love to build things, but I'm not physically that strong. Caleb is the exact opposite. So we're actually really good at carpentry because he can move all the things around and I can put it all together because I like that and he doesn't. It's complicated, but you guys understand me in a way that only you can. Some people don't think I'm as strong as I am because they see how cute, sweet, and smart I am. But I actually, underneath all of this charm and dimples, there's a really strong man in there. People think I'm weak because I'm little and they're not wrong.

Not wrong. You're weak. I could beat you up. I could pick up more stuff. You could beat me up, but there are people bigger than me that couldn't. And I think that's because I'm ultimately scrappy. That's so interesting. Not people like much bigger than me but people bigger than me you know hmm you guys are guests today today we have a guest that we're so excited they're one of our favorite stand-up comedians more importantly one of our best friends and you know them from comedy essentials up next please put

your paws mitts and hands together for molly carney me break oh wow is the honor can't be higher it's an honor to be here you think i know my guy i'm so happy to be here we're so happy to have you wow we will molly how are you i'm so good um my roommates just moved here from chicago i'm on the floor of one of their rooms chicago yeah life can't be better um we saw your place caleb's seen it more than once i've seen it just yesterday um the outdoor the the way that your apartment is set up you have more outdoor space than anyone in the city of los angeles i it is a concrete jungle where dreams are will be made yeah you live in new york and los angeles you know what i mean yeah i molly i don't know if you relate to this but it the entire time i lived in chicago i had

my own bedroom and that's it and i had no outdoor space there were no like there was like a living room but la you can have a yard it's crazy out here what they're doing it's magical i i actually pulled something in my back where i was crippled at four this morning and i had to call carly. I couldn't get off out of my bed. It was pretty dangerous. And I've been walking. I've probably walked three miles throughout the house today alone. Okay.

Hashtag FitFam. I don't have to leave the property. You feel me? Yeah. To call it property. I don't have to leave the compound. It's nice when I don't have to leave the estate. You know, one of my roommates has turned into our personal driver. Wow. Is she great at driving?

She's working on it. Who? Which person? Which one? It's Chuck, and she could probably hear me. Oh. I thought Chuck didn't want to get a car here. She doesn't have a choice.

I love that. You need a car here, or else we... Remember we all discussed we're going to boot her back to Chicago. She has to learn how to drive. Yes. Well, this is also exciting, but ultimately we brought you here for a purpose. Didn't we, Shelby? That's so true.

Molly, I have a question. If we were to send new golden records out into space today, what's the first thing you're putting on it? The Goofy Movie, my dudes. The Goofy Movie. Okay, The Goofy Movie. I watched it for the first time in my life yesterday. How are you doing? How are you doing?

What did you think? Yeah. Well, here's the first thing I thought. Max, for the bulk of the movie, is a real asshole. That said, he's also hot. Max is hot. In that first scene when he's in his dream sequence, I was like, okay, Max is hot. What would you do with him?

What would you do with him if you had your choice? Well, nothing. He's a dog. No, no, no. You said he's hot. What would you do with him? Hot dog. Well,'s a dog. No, no, no. You said he's hot. What would you do with him? Hot dog. Well, he's the same kind of hot as young Simba. Adult Simba's not hot. Young Simba is. Can I give you...

I honestly understood that to a T. Thank you, Molly. And this is for both of you. Adult Max comes up to you at a bar and says, do you want to go back to my house and do mouth stuff where are we doing mouth stuff well see the thing is oh i'm gay oh i never thought of it that way there's so many questions i have to ask before i could give you an answer which is this is in the real world so is he still a cartoon and is he a cartoon dog or is he the human version of what Max the dog is?

Molly says cartoon. I think cartoon. Yeah. So I say cartoon. So no, I'm not fucking a cartoon. I would fuck a cartoon. Yeah. Johnny Bravo? The only cartoon I would fuck is Twister from Rocket Power.

I would go down on Johnny Bravo. Honestly, Twister or Reggie from RocketPower and I'm in. Otto can't get it. Squid can't get it. But Reggie and Twister, they can both get it. Reggie, smoke show. Twister, sick. Always have that video camera though. You might want to worry about a sex tape or something. Yeah, but I don't know. Could be fun if he was good at it. I wouldn't want to date Johnny Bravo bravo but i would give johnny bravo sloppy yoppy yoppy bravo is the name ma'am johnny bravo can i come okay we're but we're forgetting about the main reason the goofy movie is in oh go on oh it's not about max okay because the first crush i ever had was indeed Roxanne. And that makes sense because she's also hot.

She's a smoking hot dog. Molly, you're in a bar. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog. Adult Roseanne comes up to you in the bar, Molly. Roxanne, not Roseanne. Roseanne is a different. I said Roxanne, didn't I? No, you said Roseanne.

Adult Roxanne comes up to you in a bar. We'll do Roseanne later. Adult Roxanne from the Goofy movie comes up to you in a bar we'll do Roseanne later adult Roxanne from the Goofy movie comes up to you in a bar and says I want to go back to my place and do mouth stuff are you doing it I'd go I would actually get nervous and then I'd go uh huh

uh huh that's what she likes that's how she fell in love with Max was the laugh that's what she said in the film I do call it a film. I think it's a film more than it is a movie. I'm sure. It's art house.

I would consider it art house. But I felt bad, so bad for Goofy the whole movie until the end. Yeah. But that's how dad relationships are when you're a teen. And you're just kind of like, okay, get away from me. But when he puts the soup and he says, hi, dad, in the soup. Oh. And the bond with like Bigfoot and the relationship between Goofy and Max.

And then, you know, then the RV son and dad. Yeah. You learn a lot. You're saying you want Goofy movie on the records because it was your first crush was on roxanne it was my first crush and you learn how to respect like how much your parents if they're good parents that really care about you they're just trying their best yeah so what do you want the aliens to take away from it do you want them to have yeah i'm i'm i'm worried that you want them to have good father-son relationships where... Well, here's the thing that I haven't told you. Here's what I haven't told you.

121 by Powerline in the film, Goofy Movie, is kind of my anthem. And I listen to it on the way to work every morning. Really? So you want them to take away the song? Every single morning. It will be my number one song of 2021 on Spotify. And I'm not even going to do it on purpose. If we listen to each other's heart, we'll never take it far apart.

Here's something I want to bring up. The movie makes dogs seem like the main characters on Earth. Are you worried that aliens are going to come here and make contact with them instead of with humans? I think that's cool. But what would we take from this? A dog is a man's best friend. Is that what the point of the movie is? But there's no humans in the film.

We are the humans. Watch it. Right. So the aliens see it. Right. But so the aliens see it. Right. So they when we send it to the aliens, they're not seeing it as us. Or are you sending them us watching a goofy movie? Are you sending them a video of humans watching a goofy movie? I think it's the way the way specifically me looks at the goofy movie, the crush I have,

the life it brings me on the way to going to a long day's work. Okay. So Molly, this is my proposal. And obviously you can say yes or no, this is your record. But my proposal is it's a split screen. Okay. Side by side. And it's one side is the movie and the other side is just, it's like if your computer webcam was watching you watch the movie and those play side by side. Yes. And I would do the moonwalk in mine because that's what I do usually when I watch it. Yeah.

Yeah. It's whatever happens on your end is it also captures and it plays at the same time. So you're doing it in sync with the with how you're watching it. Yeah. I want to thank you for workshopping that with me. I feel really good. I feel really good about that. Maybe even more importantly, what else would you put on your records? What's next?

There is a big moment. I actually even wrote a song about this moment. But not knowing your favorite chicken patty is actually vegetarian. Sing the song. Sing the song. You have to sing the song. Okay, here we go. My favorite sandwich is a chicken patty.

My little brother's a shit golf caddy And LeBron James is my motherfucking daddy That's the end of the rap I didn't want to expose the whole thing I didn't want to put you through that It's a rap But where does the chicken patty come in in the song? My favorite sandwich is a chicken patty

Yeah, but, okay But you're saying it came to be vegetarian what brand it was from the grocery store and my girlfriend at the time goes this chicken patties that you keep buying you know that they're vegetarian because i go why are you eating my chicken patties you are vegetarian and she goes these are vegetarian what color was the box? Green. Morningstar. Morningstar chicken patties. It's like a bag. Yeah. Yeah. Morningstar chicken patties. They also do great fake beef crumbles. And they do really good, really good fake burgers. You like the Griller's Prime? They do. They do good fake burgers. And I like their chicken nuggets a lot and their buffalo chicken nuggets.

Well, I don't read the fine print apparently. So working on that. That's fascinating though. You were vegetarian for so many meals when you didn't even know it yeah and i was like making videos on my instagram like this is probably five years ago and i was like so proud of it and i was like everybody's gonna get back into chicken patties um and a lot of people really i let a lot of people down you can't be a huge chicken fan because i'll tell you as someone who almost exclusively eats chicken, those don't taste like chicken. No, you're one of the only people that I feel that that feels that way because my brothers will eat the chicken over regular chicken all the time and they eat chicken all the time. Did it really taste like normal chicken to you?

Like, have you had other chicken patties since then and thought, same? Yeah. Wow. I think it's just the things that I put on it, like pickles and that. Now that's interesting, because that's how I got into veggie burgers, is that it didn't taste different when I put all the condiments on it, but I wouldn't probably eat those alone. Yeah.

I'm not like, you know, raw-dawing a chicken patty, you know. I do. I do that. Shelby does. Well, you eat ranch and like honey mustard sometimes. Sometimes, but I'll eat it. I'll raw-dawg it. Shelby does. Well, you eat ranch and honey mustard sometimes. Sometimes, but I'll eat it. I'll raw dog it. Big time.

But my brothers would, when I would buy Morningstar or Boca, they would just eat that and not even realize. Yeah, see? You can invite me over and be like, Hey, we have this exclusive chicken patty that we've been working on for weeks, even though chicken probably doesn't last for weeks. But, and you could trick me and I'd review it and I'd say that it was the best I've ever had. The meat that I think really does not vegetarianize is bacon. When you make that, it's not, it doesn't get made into meat.

It is something to have and it's something to eat and it's fulfilling, but. And it's something to hold. It's something to have, it's something to eat and it's fulfilling. And it's something to hold. It's something to have. It's something to hold. It's a marriage. But it is not ever going to get close. Here's my thoughts on that. You bring up a really good point, Shelby.

Most comparable meat substitute, beef. Chicken to me. Then chicken. Then pork. And it's a long way between chicken and beef and pork the pork is really terrible i'm actually a pork head i'm a definitely big huge pork head i love some pork unfortunately this doesn't have to do with what i like or dislike my favorite meat when i was when i was eating meat was like don't say it it was um i already said it i didn't hear it so give second. You, your favorite meat as a kid was something fancy. Yeah, it was. It was, um, chops, lamb chops. Yeah, it was lamb chops. I loved that shit as a kid. Can you believe that

Molly? I loved that shit. Wow. I didn't have it often, but when I did, my dude was hamburger helper, bro. Okay. What kind? We live different lives. We live down the road, but different lives. Those are, Molly's from not far from me. Molly, what kind of Hamburger Helper? Oh, I don't remember. Was it your favorite food and you don't remember?

No, it wasn't my favorite food. It was just like, that's what I, that was just what I ate when I was younger. Okay, but you're acting like I had lamb chops every night. I didn't have lamb chops every night. I probably had them three times in my life. I just loved them. The only thing I knew about lamb chops when I was a kid was that freaky little white dog on TV. Yeah, from Doug.

I don't even remember. You guys are talking about Snoopy. Snoopy, I don't like to talk about Snoopy, especially in the same discussion as the Goofy movie. That's disrespectful. You're so true. You're so true about that. You are true of heart and true of mind. True of mind and spirit.

Molly, what's next? Okay, this is huge for me. I want to bring the experience that I would always have and many people had in my 1994 Ford Windstar minivan with untinted windows and one Elton John cassette stuck inside. It was the greatest hits. Where are you driving? Oh, yeah. I took out all of the back seats, put them in my parents' garage. I put this tie-dye thing on the ceiling. The name of my minivan was Big Willie. I was the goalie for lacrosse in high school, which explains a lot. It really does. Of course you were the goalie for lacrosse in high school which explains a lot um it really does of course you were the goalie it really doesn't you get stung by a bee at a game or something

within my yeah inside my helmet during 16 minutes against my against on your field yeah yeah and i kept going hey ref excuse me ref there's a bee in my helmet there's a bee in my helmet and i started running around and my coach was like get the goal the goal. And I'm like, you don't understand. I think I got stung maybe twice, but I got through it. We lost. It was a playoff game. Yeah. Well, you had to.

But, yeah. But the thing I would do in the minivan was we would have to drive to the field because our school wasn't fancy enough yet to have turf like your school is it didn't have that we didn't have it at the time oh darn it remember we're getting it right now and we're not going to get into it on the podcast why are you guys getting turf now no no no no we can't we can. I just thought there might be a cool or special reason. We cannot. You think it would be cool? You know the reason.

You think it's cool? We're not getting into that. But. So I would, after school, I would get my lacrosse team and I was a captain because you always make the goalie a captain because they don't really move around much. They kind of always know where they are, you know? Right. So I was like, hey, everybody get in the van, you know, because I took all the seats out.

So I could really fit the entire, we got 21 teammates in my minivan. So if we got in an accident, we wouldn't be able to make it to our game, the whole team. But what I would do is take us through McDonald's drive-thru on the way to practice. One day, they made us, they found out, and they made us do a three-mile run. So half the team was just projectile vomiting McDonald's. But I was the goalie so I didn't have to run and I was practicing my shots.

And the Elton John cassette was stuck forever. It probably still is in the junkyard inside the minivan. Did it play? Oh, it played. Which album? Which songs? Greatest Hits. junkyard inside the minivan did it play oh it played oh that's awesome which album which songs which greatest hits greatest hits okay so literally like the best tiny dancer yeah rocket man what's the song it's rocket man was a big hit for the girls wait did he do benny and the jets also oh yeah that was benny and the jets molly in her van.

But and one of the door. Oh, here's another thing. Molly in her van. One more time. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Mike, you have to put a karaoke track under this. So here we go. Molly in the van with a tie-dye shirt on with the ceiling tie-dyed. But, so this van was my family's minivan.

Okay. And then I got it in 2006. So this van is like 11 years old, 12 years old at the time. So it's in the parking lot of this lacrosse game. Hold on. You were in high school in 2017 no way 2006 did i say yeah 2006 oh so it wasn't a 2006 van it was 11 years it was a 1994 ford windstar minivan with untinted windows got you babe keep going mate so the van i'm supposed to take half some

of the team home and one of the sliding doors slides right off comes right off the van okay and it's on the ground in the parking lot the backwards way you opened it and it just kept going it just well it got stuck and then we kind of just were like what are we going to do here and you ripped it off came right off we ripped it right off wow so yeah we did have to pop it back we didn't put it back on because that was impossible, but we drove home with one door off. So you want aliens to think we are not sophisticated at technology. Well, we want to give them, you know, the down-to-earth kind of how you can vibe on a low budget. Ball on a budget.

And I want them to understand that, like, there's some great memories that us humans have. Life's not perfect. And Ford is a great car brand. Sometimes the best vibes are in the worst of times. Now, you say Ford's a great car brand. But I've heard that Ford stands for found on road dead. What do you say about that? At camp, we had a song about it called a hunk of junk, a hunk of junk, a hunk of junk, a Ford.

Well, my family only buys Ford. Built Ford tough. Ever heard of it? Hunk of junk, a Ford. I can put anything in that sound. But yeah, I mean. You're lucky that that van isn't still running because I swear to God we'd be in the van right now recording this podcast. I would love that.

I would love that. It might not still be running. Molly, what's next on the record? Molly's rolling record. Okay, I'm going to bring in the Crystal Cave. This is really going to fascinate the aliens, I think. Okay. What is it?

Okay, the Crystal Cave is located under the island of South Bass Island in Lake Erie, Ohio. It is 52 feet into the lake. And it is the world's largest geode. I repeat, the world's largest geode. Now, what's a geode? A geode is, you know, you go to the science museum when you're in grade school on a field trip. And you go to the gift shop and there's those rocks that have, like, they're crystallized inside. They're, like, cut in half.

And you're like, oh, my God. And you're, like, on a field you're like on a field trip like mom can i please have 44 to buy this rock she says no and then i manifested it so bad that then 15 years later i would be giving tours inside of the world's largest geode and how many people could you take on one tour if i was hung over i would take about 20 no i no i'm sorry if i was hung over i would try to fit 40 so that i would have to go less times down right into the cave so on and it would be the probably the size of like 12 by 12 feet would be the room but it would be like a cave right and you can't touch the walls i had a sp spiel. I'd go, hey, everybody, I want to welcome you to the world's largest geo. This is the Crystal Cave here on Put-In-Bay Island. What I'm going to do is I'm going to be taking you 52 feet down into the earth.

What I want you to do is hang out at the handrails and don't be a hero. Take your stinking time. And I go, another thing I want to ask you is please for the love of God do not touch the crystals because your greasy little fingers make them black and they lose their power wow I want to add an echo to that and play it exactly like you must have it must have sounded in the cave do they actually have power the crystals well I mean I don't know we're in LA in LA. You better believe it. You better believe it.

We're in L.A. You're better off believing that they do. My Irish Catholic ass 10 years ago was probably like, what the heck are you talking about? The power of God, the power of Christ. Amen. I say to you, amen. Amen. I made a joke on a mission trip once.

We were reconstructing this old woman's house and i found an old salt shaker and i joked that it had magic powers and my youth pastor pulled me aside and was like i know you like being funny i know you enjoy making people laugh but what you just said was blasphemy and i was in trouble because i joked about a shaker being magic can i tell you guys something so embarrassing? No. Every time. Don't embarrass yourself on the pod.

I have to. It sucks. It makes me look so stupid for so long. Do it or else I have to cut you bangs. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That'd be hot. You think?

Oh, yeah. You think I could pull up bangs? Yeah, I think you'd look great. You could pull up bangs? You have a huge forehead. It'd honestly help. I'll be over in 20 minutes. Actually, your forehead's

normal. I just thought that'd be a fun thing to say. That's never been an insecurity of mine, but I add it to the list. Add it on! I had a friend growing up. Her name was also Shelby. Oh my god. Crazy, right? Yeah. Shelby A. I was Shelby W. She was Shelby A.

And she had a checkerboard in her house and she was like chess well i guess i mean if you put different pieces on it it would have been chess but to me it was checkers and she was like you will not believe what happens if i like close my eyes some of them disappear like there's like a ghost here and it disappears and i was like no fucking way this is when we were little and we would do it and the things would disappear every time. It was always crazy to me. And I always thought it was fucking buck wild. And I thought we were on the same page. She was acting it to a T. Like I was like, damn, like there really

do be a ghost in this house and that it's hiding. And we would find the pieces like kind of far away. And I didn't hear her moving. So I was like, surely she's not doing this. I ended up going, I studied abroad and she ended up being on my trip, which was a huge coincidence, crazy. And I brought it up to her, stupid me, being like, do you remember how scary that was? And she was like, I was hiding the pieces. And until I was, I mean, 22, like I was studying abroad, I like fully believed there was something else happening and it wasn't her hiding them. I told you it was embarrassing that I'd look stupid. Caleb's looking at me like, you're really stupid. And I'm like, yeah, that was

the point. I mean, it's just like, you know, when I think of someone stupid, it's like I got drunk at a party and hit on someone that like, you're telling me I believed in magic for a long time. I felt that as a personal attack, by the way. Do you believe in ghosts now, Shelby? Do I believe that they exist? Sure. Why not. Yeah. Do you believe in ghosts now, Shelby?

Do I believe that they exist? Sure. Why not? Molly, do you believe in ghosts? I don't know if I call them ghosts. I think there's people who are like laughing with me. You believe you have a supernatural audience? Yes, I do.

I truly do. They say I do sets all the time. How do you guys practice? Molly doesn't do open mics. They practice on an audience of ghosts that they imagine. The thing about ghosts to me, though, is that I don't think there's any modern ghosts. So I'm like, I guess they can't exist. If someone that died yesterday can't be a ghost to me, then how can they be real?

But I do, I mean, like, I feel like they exist, right? Somebody who died yesterday has to be able to be a ghost to you. But do you know what I mean? then what like how can they be real but i do i mean like i feel like they exist right somebody who died yesterday has to be able to be a ghost to you but do you know what i mean like when you think of guests you don't think of someone who is in like jeans and a t you think of someone in an in a pilgrim dress this is john early does a very funny bit about this where he's like everybody everybody wants to tell you a ghost story always wants to tell you that they were dressed in the old times and it's like why, why wouldn't there be? I'm not getting the joke right, but he has. It's so true. Everyone will be

like they were churning butter and they were wearing a bonnet. I don't imagine ghosts ever being like someone I'd hang out with at a bar. So I'm like, I guess maybe they don't exist. Molly exclusively imagines that. I mean, sometimes I think that they're just wearing

my clothes because they're in my room you know huh molly in chicago did you ever see me and shelby do our our ghost sketch unfortunately i did not but i would be honored have we told you about it no tell me tell us all shelby it's your idea. So you. Don't paint this, that's my idea. No, it was, you came up with the concept of it. This was two kids in therapy who, their parents put them in therapy because they've been just not in a good place anymore. They've been acting out.

And it's these two like little British kids. And the therapist would be like, what's been going on? Like, I'll start. I feel happy today. And we would be like, well, we used to be happy and have lots of fun. But not once before the ghosts. And the whole thing would just be us singing a song about how we were happier before the ghosts And then how many ghosts there were

And there were ghosts under the bed and inside of the cupboard We used to be cool and swim in the pool But that was before the ghosts It was so stupid These are the kind of ghosts that I think that hang around me Little British kids? Sure. As long as they laugh.

Oh, God, that is true. Anybody who laughs can... Hey, if you're going to laugh at my jokes, you can come sit by me. I don't care. Spook me once. Laugh at me twice, you know? Hey, Molly, before we get back to your record, I have to be honest with you. We gotta take a break. We gotta take a break.

We gotta take a break. And we're back. From outer space. Just turn around now. It's not welcome anymore. And that's that look upon your face. You know what movie that song's in?ote ugly oh you know what else it's on you wouldn't know that the replacements with keanu reeves and you wouldn't know that

hey molly we want to ask you what is something in all of humanity that you would delete from the records we just want to say one thing. One thing only. It doesn't have to be the big stuff. War. Poverty. Famine. Death in general. Discord between

humans who have different perspectives. So just like whatever you kind of want to delete, but just know that you don't have to say those things because we agree with you. Cool. And because we agree with you. Cool. And because we love famine. We think it's interesting as a concept. If we got rid of it, then things would be too easy.

People have learned. No, but really, what would you delete? Honestly, for me personally, this is a big thing to delete. And you can tell me if I need to take it back. No, no no go ahead i think that feeling no one should ever feel again on this earth is when you're about to shit yourself wow you went political you went which is a political yeah i did and i hope that both sides all sides would really consider this one yeah you're reaching across the aisle you're really

reaching across the aisle you know what's crazy is that all sides probably couldn't come together on if we if there was a bill in congress tomorrow that was like no more feeling like you have to shit your pants somebody yeah would be into it yeah moderna has come with a vaccine to make you not shit your pants they'd be like well we don't want any part of that and they'd be like are we trying to take away money for for paper products and underpants? The reason I know that someone would be con on it is because I thought about going against it just to have something to say just now. In my head, I was like, what if there's a good side of having to shit your pants? Which is disgusting, sick, horrible behavior.

Did you come up with one? Yeah. Tell me. I did. Tell us. Well, here's what I came up with when I was deciding to be contrarian in my head just to find an opinion. I don't actually want to support this side. But you know how when you're really sick and you are like throwing up and you're going, God, I'll never take for granted not throwing up again.

Anytime I'm not throwing up. You want to shit your pants for gratitude's sake? I want to shit my pants for perspective. You're sick. I have to tell you guys a story and I'll make it so quick, but it's about shitting your pants. Prove it. And I want it off the record. Hit me with it.

Okay. I was a camp counselor, famously. What? You. I was a camp counselor. This was my first summer as a camp counselor. We went water skiing. On the way back to the bunk, okay, I didn't see, I guess, I get back to the bunk.

I'll fast forward. I'll tell you how I saw it. I get back to the bunk. There is shit everywhere. In the bunk? Inside the bunk, everywhere. And it smells worse than you could ever imagine. Chunks or liquid?

It is tracked throughout. You gotta ask. It's tracked throughout. It's not hot. So it's, you know, runny. It's like, yeah. And it's everywhere. I mean ask it's tracked throughout it's not hot it's so it's you know runny it's like yeah and it's everywhere i mean it's in the bathroom it's in there's like two sides of the bunk and then the bathroom's in the middle it's in both sides it's in the bathroom like it's fucking everywhere kind of like chocolate syrup from a sundae consistency

a little bit i'm thinking more of a chili sauce chili sauce is it chili sauce i'm thinking more like you know at a froyo place where they use the melted crunch bars yes more like that i hate talking about poop but i had to know so i was good walk into the bunk it is so vile i'm like holding in puke and the kids all come in and they're like yuck and at this point there was a dog on the owners had a dog and so i thought a dog what's up with you i just got so sick imagining the the cabin being like in dog diarrhea it gets so much worse i thought the dog was gonna eat it no so i thought the way that the way that we saw it it was me and my co-counselor sasha and we thought surely what had happened was the dog came in pooped and then like ran around and got it everywhere and like so we didn't feel like we had to be like nice about

it because we were like a dog did this so we the kids are being like this is disgusting and we're like i wish it was we're like this is vile this is the grossest smell i are being like this is disgusting and we're like i wish it was we're like this is vile this is the grossest smell i've ever seen this is disgusting blah blah we are i mean it's the grossest thing in the world and me and sasha had to hands and knees clean this up so we're unhappy and sad um i've done worse later well so later that day was it you? later that day no

later that day this camper would never name her comes up to me and Sasha and says hey so mousy hey

um earlier like when there was like the poop thing and we were like and she was like um it actually wasn't Lola. It wasn't me. And I have some clothes that have a lot of poop on them and I just need to get cleaned. And we found out that what happened

was she got off the water ski boat first, sprinted back to the bunk, shit her pants on the way, panicked, took it with her hands threw it into the bathroom and then tried to run to to clean up and tracked it all over as it like ran down her body and then um hid it under her bed the clothes and then got in the shower and waited until we left to like clean up so that no one knew but then ultimately the clothes had shit on them and the bunk still smelled and does anyone need to go through that this is my statement it was the worst exactly it was the worst day that i mean i was like 17 that's just going on 64 at that rate well you like look in the mirror at the end of that day you look in the mirror at the end of that day and you're like what the fuck did i just have to do 17 going on 150 and you have to keep doing something like that

isn't that gnarly isn't that did you guys end up did you guys kill the dog and then we're like we didn't have to kill the dog yeah they just shelby and the other counselor had just finished putting two bullets in the dog's head how bad yeah And then the girl walked up to them and did the confession I looked the camp owner in the eye and I said I have to do it It has to be done Shelby walked up to the camp owner and said We gotta put him down

I went down to the riflery range I actually could have gone down to the riflery range I went to the archery range I said we're gonna do this old school I grabbed a bow and arrow You killed the dog with bows Yeah, arrows And arrows

Yeah No, no, bows You took a bow and beat. You killed the dog with bows. Yeah. Arrows. And arrows. Yeah. No. No. Bows. You took a bow and beat the dog with it. Just bows. I bludgeoned it with a bow. Um, no.

We are going to get so much fucking hate from PETA. Um, Molly, when was the last time you shit your pants and how bad was it? So I'm going to be actually actually this is kind of an honor to admit i've never had a poopy situation you are lying no and the only you know what i i pooped my pants on purpose when i was younger because i thought this is a long story long story short i thought elvis was killed by a toilet um but he, and later I found out in life he died on the toilet because he was just coincidentally on the toilet while overdosing. I actually get,

I actually get that because at the, in, in spice world, you know how the bad guy comes up through the toilet? Yes. I was afraid to flush for like years because I was like, um, someone lives there.

I would sit outside the bathroom while my dad was in there after work begging him to not die because i thought the toilet was gonna kill him so yeah no no no no no no no you have to walk us a little bit you said long story short you thought elvis died from taking a shit and i can understand that no no they thought he died from the toilet okay you thought a toilet killed elvis and i can understand that even yeah why would that make you said you shit your pants on purpose was it just that you were refusing to use a toilet or were you like seeing if you would die what was the deal i i was specifically the day i remember i was wearing pink corduroy pants i was i'll do it i, I dressed up as Elvis for, like, superhero day.

I was like, I love Elvis. And I made a styrofoam guitar, and I'm in the cafeteria, or I'm in the classroom. And this kid leans over. Me, Brick, Presley. And he goes, hey, you know that Elvis is dead, right? And I was like, no, you idiot. Like, I'm asking my parents for elvis tickets for christmas like he's not dead you know oh my and i go find my brother at uh lunch my older brother and i find

him and i'm like hey did you have any you didn't tell me that elvis was dead and he goes yeah he died on the toilet and then the recess rang, and God forbid my brother continues the conversation during recess because that's humiliating to talk to your little sibling in general. So then that just left me with my own thoughts and my broken styrofoam guitar at that rate. And I'm like, oh, my God, I can never use the toilet again. So then you shit your pants. My mom, and I told this to my mom. I thought she remembered. I told her she must have suppressed the memory of her only daughter shitting herself on purpose in her favorite pink pants she would make me wear at a wedding a couple years ago.

So the pants were your mom's favorite. Oh, yeah. But then she eventually let me wear whatever I wanted. Like my dad's cutoffs. Yeah. Yeah. Me prick. What kind of cutoffs?

Shirts? Shirts. Shorts. Jorts. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. So. Me brick. What kind of cutoffs? Shirts? Shirts. Shorts. Jorts. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Mostly just the shirt says too little. But. That's epic. Yeah.

And then my little brother like caught me in the backyard once. Shitting your pants. And he was like, what are you doing? But imagine him like being like three or four being like, what are you doing? But imagine him like being like three or four, being like, what are you doing? And I was like, listen, you little shit. Like you have a thing attached to your body that you can poop in. I have to find my own things

because I'm not dying today. You were shitting in the yard. Yeah, once. Then I can remember. Pure fear. It was pure fear. Did you like dig a hole or? I just,

we lived by a creek so I kind of just kicked it off the creek edge. A kid I grew up with used to shit in the pool all the time. Like what is the meaning of that? And you always,

everyone always had to evacuate because that's what. I love that for him. That was selfish. I love that for him. It always sucked. We'd always be having a blast I'd be surfing on a raft

And then it would be like Everyone out There's another poop in the pool Molly we can't keep talking about People we know that have shit themselves We have to talk more about What you'd put on your golden record Golden record

Golden record I think the camaraderie and the bond Between a restaurant staff. Oh, yeah. It's the most beautiful vibes I've ever felt. Because you're like, I'll do anything for you. You specifically have a chosen family in a restaurant. I do, indeed.

On that same island that I spoke of, I've worked at a restaurant, my family in a restaurant. I do indeed. I, uh, on that same Island that I spoke of, I've worked at a restaurant, my family, friends restaurant, and, uh, we lived above it. So not only were we working like 16 hour days together, we also lived together. So let's just say you can't, uh, you know, piss off the kitchen because you won't eat outside of work either. You know what I mean? You won't eat outside of work either. Yeah. One special thing for me, the multiple times I worked in a restaurant, was when the back of house guys would be nice to me.

When the back of house guys were in a playful mood, you knew it was a good night. Front of house is always fucking around. But back of house, when they're not mad, when they're in a jolly mood, that's like like this is fun those pots turn to drums yeah baby they sure do and they're giving you little pieces of bacon on the side oh oh yeah when the cooks like you that's when you're really in a good spot i the first restaurant i worked at i like became friends with like the bartender and the wait like the waiters because i was like hostess and so i was like that's what i was seeing but then i became really good friends with one of the chefs and the waiters because I was like hostess. And so I was like, that's what I was seeing. But then I became really good friends with one of the chefs and he introduced me to everyone else.

And they were like, come out with us after every shift. And I was like, wait, I have a new group of best friends. And then they would just make me shit during my shift all the time. They would just be like, by the way, whenever you get a chance, we came back here. We made, we fucked around and made a gnocchi. Yeah. These hoes are loyal. And you're like, damn, you fucked around and made me gnocchi yeah these hoes are loyal you know and you're like

damn you fucked around and made me the best meal i'll ever have that's iconic thank you these hoes are loyal these hoes are loyal and these hoes are loyal these hoes are loyal Hoes are loyal Back to you, Molls Oh, I was just saying Another thing that I would do to get on the good side Is I would head straight to the dish pit Start doing the dishes

Next thing I know, the boss would be yelling at me Because I'd have to go back and serve my table with a wet belly I'd get too into it But I go, you know Wet belly carny Going back to serve their oh wet belly carny going back to serve their tables oh the amount of times the owners would be like stop going up to tables serving with a wet belly and i go i'm just trying to keep these dishes clean

the fact that the boss has had to be like your work ethic is causing your belly to be too wet. You're great. The best we have. But your belly? Too wet. Our customers want to see a dry tummy. When you walk to their table, their eyes are at belly level. And all they see is wet.

You come over there with a sopping wet tum tum. They look forward. That's all they see is that wet, wet belly. It's true. But at the end of the summer, I got an award for having the best, yeah, the wettest belly. Because it is also, like, an honor because that means you are good at dishes. Wettest belly. Does it mean you're good at dishes?

Because I think someone good at dishes could probably keep the belly dry. You haven't seen me do dishes, honey. Come over. Our sink is full. Yeah, truly. Come over. I'll do it. The thing is, you really would, and I could never allow it.

Molly is the kind of friend, though. If I called Molly at four in the morning and said, I need you to come over and do my dishes, they'd be here. They would be here so much faster than traffic would allow. It wouldn't make much sense. They'd be here in six seconds with gloves on. I have gloves and they would bring their own. It's true.

I'd prune my fingers for you guys, though. Oh, my God. Stop it. Quit. I'm going to fucking freak out. Wait, Molly, we want to play you something and get your thoughts. We really do. Here, do tame dog.

Not very tame. Yeah. It blows my mind that they've named that tame dog. You could just say dog. You could say barking dog. Barking dog. You could say barking dog. One of the sounds on the original records is titled Tame Dog. What you'll notice is that the dog does not appear to be tame at all. The dog seems stressed.

Or upset. Or angry. Or pissed off. Or uneasy. Or pissed off. Or uneasy. Or generally unwell. Or hungry for that meat. There are many reasons that dogs bark. Not all are bad.

Some dogs bark out of excitement, others for attention or hunger. One that I identify with is barking out of boredom or loneliness, fear, anxiety, or territorial barking, and lastly, pain or surprise. In 2015, Swedish geneticist Pontus Skoglund published his findings in a journal called Current Biology, where he concluded that canine domestication may have first occurred 27,000 to 40,000 years ago. According to genetic studies, modern-day domesticated dogs originated in China, the Middle East, and Eastern Europe. Dogs, as you may know, are cute. Catherine M. Rogers, professor emerita of English from Brooklyn College, suggests that women may have been the first to domesticate wolves into pets. Which makes women of this time period total girl bosses.

They say dogs are a man's best friend. As it turns out, they're a woman's best friend. In the 1890s, St. Bernards were the number one most popular breed. But since the 1990s, Labrador Retrievers have taken that throne. My family had both a Chocolate lab and a St. Bernard. When human beings look into each other's eyes, we bond emotionally, and we release a hormone called oxytocin.

A study recently found that when dogs gaze into humans' eyes, humans and dogs release that same hormone. What we're saying is, dogs are man's best friend. Studies in very serious scientific institutions have found an interesting squares and rectangles situation with being a dog and being a good boy. It turns out that not all good boys are dogs. But all dogs are good boys.

What's crazier is that not only do they have that, but they have wild dog. Or beware of stinker dog. Beware of dog, they could call it. More like. To call this tame dog is so crazy because that's the kind of dog that when you walk walk past someone's house it like runs to the thing and starts barking at you and you're like that's what i thought a lot of those in our neighborhood and you're like no not not tame dog scary dog dog that dog that could kill if given the right if it were a dragon it would already be in this because it would fly over the fence and kill us oh my god that's so true there are

so much tamer dogs than this one. I know so many old dogs. I've met a lot of old dogs in my day. And they just sit around. They don't bark at all. They don't do anything. Wow. Molly, are you a dog person? Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. I can feel that. They're a dog themselves. Yeah. That's right. One of my dogs. That's why they call me Carn Dog. Do they?

Do they call you that? Actually, that was my older brother's nickname. call me carn dog do they do they call you that actually that was my older brother's nickname carnie carn dog carn dog carn dog carn dog carn dog what is that what is that cat and dog cat dog okay and what's dog and then what's the song it goes Out on the road or back in town. And then what's the song? It goes, Out on the road or back in town,

alone in the world with a little cat dog. Isn't it? That's so, that's fun. It's alone in the world was a little cat dog. Alone in the world with a little cat dog. Well,

I was alone with the world, in the world with a cat dog, the TV show, I guess. Cat dog. Cat dog. But I'm also really guess. Cat dog. Cat dog. But I'm also really allergic. Cat dog.

This podcast is mostly. Singing. Singing. Crazy. That's why we're here. Molly, if you had to pick a singer to put on the records, would it be me or Caleb? Ooh. It doesn't mean one of us is getting deleted.

It's just which one of us is marked down as singer on the pod. I'd say Caleb. And for that, I'm going caleb bitch caleb would argue that i have a better voice than him though shelby does have a better voice than me but it doesn't matter because the music industry is all personality promotion you know persona and molly if you're looking at the two of us and saying caleb's the singer i think it's because you constantly are singing, no matter what. Molly, I love what you did. It has less to do with personality. I love what you did, baby. I love it.

You know, I don't want to change this trio of friendship. Well, you just did. Just so that you know that. Yeah. What you did was you gave Caleb a really weird complex now, so... Yeah, now I'm the singer of the group. And Shelby can be, you know, bassist or something, but I'm the singer.

I would be hot as a bassist. Everybody's hot as a bassist. Exactly. Shelby does have a better voice than me. I will say that. She's crying right now, so I have to say something kind. Well, I've never heard your voice. Shelby's crying.

I've never heard Shelby's voice alone. Shelby, what do you call the tears that are streaming down your face? I call those sweating. I'm sweating. I'm nervous. Okay. Yeah. Shelby's bawling, by the way.

I'm not crying. My eyes get too wet. Wipe your tears, little girl. Wait, wait. No, no, no, no. Molly, go ahead. Maybe I'm the best singer. Wipe your tears

little girl wipe your tears tears I love that yeah that was good Shelby what do Amy Winehouse

for Molly do Amy Winehouse on the pod do Amy Winehouse for Molly no Amy Winehouse way too scared Do Amy Winehouse on the pod. Do Amy Winehouse for Molly. No. Do Amy Winehouse. You want me to switch my answer?

Do it. Molly. You want me to switch my answer? Do it. Shelby has to do anything the guest asks. Ask for Amy Winehouse. I ask you. Shelby Wilson to do it.

Sing Amy Winehouse on the records. I'm sending it to space. Valerie. Valerie? Yeah. I'm so nervous. You can cover your camera if you want. Mike, we might have to cut this.

Cover your camera. We might have to cover your camera. Mike, you're not cutting this. Shelby, go ahead. Here, no one will look at you. Mike, don't look. Molly, don't look. You're covering your camera, not your mic.

Shh. Go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Winehouse. Since I come home, well, my body's been hazed. Amy Winehouse. Oh! Oh! I wish I had a lighter. A lighter? What a weird vibe.

We'll cut at least most of that. Oh my, we'll cut none of it. No. I want you to give me the hard copy. No, we're cutting most of it. I'm red in the face and uncomfortable. What's next on your record? I thought it was amazing.

And I switched my answer to, you can only say this on the record if you keep it in. I switched my answer to Shelby. We're cutting out right before I sing and then backwards. Switching the answer and then they have to fill it in with the rest of what's in their head. Molly, you can't change your answer. But go ahead and say what's next on your records. Now everyone's upset.

Next on my records is women. The concept? Women. It's International Women's Day. We're recording It's International Women's Day. Exactly. We're recording this on International Women's Day. That's so true. That's what I requested.

As requested. Now, tell us about women. Why are they always shopping? What? How do you think I learned how to do the dishes? Yeah. What's up with women? Because they're smart and they're funny they're smoking hot and they know what we want do you want so in terms of what the aliens are getting

out of this are they just seeing like a lineup of women no like my favorite women like my mom my grandma well that's kind of crazy because you said the reason you're putting women on is that they're smoking hot do you want the aliens to like your mom have a thing for your grandma i look like my dad so it doesn't really matter uh i just so you know just so that we're all on the same page we weren't we weren't weirded out about that because you were calling yourself hot we were weirded out by that because you were calling yourself hot. We were weirded out by that because you were insinuating you wanted to fuck your mom.

Yeah, if you want the aliens to fuck your mom. That is disrespectful, and if my mom hears that, I'm sorry, mom. If you want the aliens to have... I'm not saying people shouldn't want to fuck your mom. I don't think you should want to fuck your mom. Do you want the aliens to?

No. You guys are... You know what I feel? I'm feeling feeling listen to me listen just women in general how how do you think aliens are gonna know how to how do you think aliens are gonna know how to um be born or how do you think that we are gonna be born aliens know how aliens are being born because

they were a part of the process but um how do they know how humans are being born that's a really good point i guess so is it your favorite women is it a woman giving birth is it what exactly what do you want women all of them all of it all of them them. This is the drunkest I've ever seen you when you're sober. I'm in Olive Garden. What do you think? You would put Marjorie Taylor Greene on there. Or like... Not Marjorie Taylor Greene. Kellyanne Conway.

I would put different ages of women. Okay. Like the Martina McBride song. Yeah. Yes. This one's for the girls who ever had a broken heart. Like the Martina McBride song. Yeah. Yes. Okay. 25.

I'm kind of regretting this, actually. You what? Why? No. It's a perfect addition. Okay, you know what? We're going to take women. Women are on my record. We're going to zoom in on it.

Thank you. We're going to zoom in, and I'm going to say a hug from my mother. Okay. That's very different. I love that. It is. That's why I want it. So before it was a lineup of all women of any generation, and now it's just a hug from your mom.

Yeah. Is your mom giving a hug to each alien that receives the thing okay this is what my mom does she thinks that everybody needs a hug once in a while and you have to do it for at least eight seconds or else it doesn't like you don't get the feeling of a good hug every alien should get a good squeezer i would kill to get a hug from your mom right now yeah and she's just a jokester she's a hugging jokester do you think when covid's over she'll come to la and hug a bunch of us oh yeah she's a hugger she's a oh yeah she'll be hugging people

oh yeah oh yeah she hugged the pilot oh yeah she's gonna she literally gets off the plane and she's she's not even joking when she says her arms are sore because she hugged the whole plane. She didn't fly. She hugged the whole plane. Name your top three hugs from your mom. Okay. And don't be wrong. If you're wrong, I swear to fucking God. We have the right list. When I finally graduated from college after seven years. oh that made my heart go boom boom boom when i and i'm not a doctor when i um i think when i oh when oh i know

when i got off stage at comedy central we ran across the parking lot to each other gave each other a big hug and before she said to congratulations she's like oh my god i saw lorraine newman in the parking lot and I'm the only one who's recognized her this whole weekend. And then just, little hugs goodbye are always good. Yeah.

Okay, really tender, really sweet list. I'm gonna cry. I love my mom. Dude, moms are the best. I love my mom with Molly Carney.

She's great. What's next on the record? Oh, I want to put the baseball in from Sandlot. The chewed up one. The chewed up one. Yeah. Okay. Because I think it reminds me of like small town camaraderie, friendship, loyalty, taking

risks for your buddies and having a ball. Risking it all for your boys. Risking it all for your boys. Yeah. The treehouse in Sandlot was always really cool to me. I wanted that. And it's a very good solving problems scene. Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Great problem solving. With the vacuum and all that. Mm-hmm. Remember when the kid goes, forever, forever, forever, forever. I remember his bottom lip like popping out. My brother and I would do that together all the time. Yeah.

Well, the problem solvingsolving scenes are great, because in a movie you want to see your heroes try and fail. Mm-hmm. Caleb. And honey, did they fail a lot? In a film, you know. Caleb, uh-uh. Not now.

Here he goes. Caleb. No, it is so great. And it's also, hey, it's also about you can be friends with anyone who has a good attitude. That's right. And also it's about... Because they're a little different. You don't have to be afraid just because something's different.

The dog is big, but it's actually really nice at heart. And the old man who lives in the house. Is a really good guy. He's different, but he's all right. He's okay. He's all right. He should get a good guy. He's different, but he's alright. He's okay. He's alright. He should get a more hold on his dog. And he's blind.

So you should go visit him. Am I obsessed with dogs? Do I want to be a dog? What? Why am I talking about dogs so much? I want to be a dog too. If it's one that's treated well. I actually think about that sometimes. Do you ever see

your celebrity crush having a dog and being like, God, I would love to be that dog. Hang out with my celebrity crush all the time. I've never once had that thought. Now it's a thought. Now I'm going to. It's not that I think the thought is weird. It's that I think the thought's really good.

I've just never had it. Celebrity crush posts on Instagram. They're like laying in bed shirtless with their dog. And you're like, hey, now, if I was that dog, I want to be a dog on that belly. I want to be on, I want to be on that wet belly. Molly Carney's a wet belly. Wow. Wow.

Okay. So the baseball, you wouldn't send the whole movie sandlot. You would just send the chewed up baseball and let them figure it out? Yes. I love that. I think that's really inventive. I think it's like, you know, they get it. They go, what is this?

And then they get to kind of paint a picture for themselves in their mind. And I think that's powerful. And just specifically to mess with them more, I feel like they're shorter than me. And I just, like, I feel like the aliens are kind of up to our knees. This is iconic because someone else said that they thought may martin said the aliens might be really big and they could be i think they're like they're like probably this big and um cute i think like that's why my mom would like lift him up and give him a hug and then toss it over and then my mom would be the one who gives him the ball you think that you think the aliens are like the the

martians from toy story but more lengthy they're like more like stretchy okay okay but that's just me you know no yeah everything's valid we don't know what they look like at all i'm just it's like's like sails. Think of Gumby. My mom used to call me Gumby. That was such a chaotic moment where I said, think of sails. Or no, it's like sails. I'm always like, think of Gumby.

I don't know what Gumby is. Is that the green thing that looks like licorice? Yeah, it's like he's a claymation character that can stretch really far. Okay, I know him. I know him well. I know of him. I know his work, at least.

My mom used to call me Gumby. Because you're... Because I was a gymnast and I was really flexible. Because you're a little alien? Oh. I thought it was because you always have kind of a green tint. You guys... Molly, is there anything else you want to put on your golden records?

You know, and I'm going to say this with no, I'm just going to say it and I'm not even going to describe it because I think the aliens, literally, I want them to figure out everything. And maybe they're the ones who are actually the ghosts that laugh at my jokes. Who knows? Giving a personal pedicab from me, that's it. You would drive them around in a pedicab. Yeah, it would be me specifically. Is there any destination? And I could fit a lot because of their size. Is there any destination

you want to take them to or is it just the ride around town? The first thing that came to my mind may be a water park, but other than that, yeah, just wherever they need to go. Wow. I love that. I love that. Are you guys scared of swimming at water parks knowing about the pee or are you fine with it?

No, I'm fine. What do you mean pee? So many kids pee in the water at water parks. No, it's a good story. I think it strengthens immune systems, honestly. People, I have so many friends that are like, ew, I wouldn't go to a water park, too much pee in the water. And I'm like, at this point. There's also chlorine.

Yeah, it'd be killed. And also, if I'm going to get gonna get on a roller coaster it's as gross it's as gross to me there's puke and stuff yeah there's no chlorine on roller coasters yeah they spray it down with like a box a bottle of like watered down window window what a box of wine i wish that's what i I clean my insides out with Every night after dinner Molly are you a cedar point head Yeah That was when I was little

I went out every year with my family Did you like Geauga Lake when that existed That one kind of freaked me out Too much rickety wood I didn't trust it Especially being a wood person I don't trust it especially being a wood person i didn't i don't trust it yeah especially being a wood person but seriously molly we are almost out of time but if there's anything else from your list that you want to just rattle off here now's

your big window otherwise you can tell me and caleb stuff that you like about us yes okay um i love that you guys have me over for watching movies. And Caleb's very good about setting up the screen very perfectly. There's never any badness. And Shelby always gives me chocolate. Molly felt like they had to say that because when they came over for a movie last, I really struggled with the screen. So that was actually sweet of them. No.

No, I want. No, it was great what about shelby she always has a little she always has a little candy so do i always have a little candy you've given me a couple candies yeah i did give you i did give you reese's huh yeah And then you gave me some candies when we moved. Molly, we love you from the literal bottom of our hearts. Where can people find you? Tell our guests where they can find you on the web and stuff. I would just check out Meat Brick Molly and fly. Meat Brick.

And fly, baby. All the stuff. All the platforms. Yes. Well, thank you so much for being on, Molly. We love you. Thank you, Molly. We love you. Thank you, guys. I love you guys a million times.

Leave the guests with a little saying. Leave them with a little positive saying. A little slogan. A little motto. If a chewed up baseball flies over your fence into your yard, toss it back. Ladies and gentlemen and everybody in between, Molly Carney!

Molly! That was a Hidgum Original.