Keeping Records - Snakes Are a Problem For Me (with A.J. Marroquin)

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

Last week's episode...it really devastated Shelby and Caleb. So much so that they're taking some precautionary steps for the sanctity of the pod. Comedian, friend, and breakfast enthusiast A.J. Marroquin mediates our hosts' ongoing negotiations, occasionally sharing his own Golden Record when allowed to. Jennifer Lopez makes yet another guest appearance on the pod, and so do a hell of a lot of snakes. Theme park souvenir photos, cars spiraling down from the heavens, The Golden Corral, all of it is a wondrous backstop for hammering out Caleb and Shelby's dysfunctional functionality. And it is beautiful. A.J.‘s Artifacts Jennifer Lopez's filmography (audio-visual) Saloon-style famkly portraits/theme park souvenirs (image) Breakfast after a hook-up (multisensory experience) Buffets (multisensory experience) The Carvana vending machine (architecture) Follow A.J. and do literally everything in your power to see him do comedy live. Twitter Instagram Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Good afternoon. Hello.

Hello. Peace be upon you. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, It's so funny for me to do the Pink Panther song on this podcast. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Why is that funny? Because Lindsay really took over the world with her Pink Panther video. Oh, I completely forgot that that was the Pink Panther. Yeah, and that was funny, to be honest. To be honest. To be honest, that was the Pink Panther. Yeah. And that was funny, to be honest. To be honest. To be honest, that was a funny scenario. It's just so funny for me to co-opt the Pink Panther now. Absolutely.

To start using it in every bit I ever do. Shelby, that is really funny, but there's something that's not funny that's going on right now. Yeah, I know. We need to get serious with the listeners because something has happened guys someone one person let us know that they're worried about us a listener of the pod of which there are millions by the way um one listener of the pod said that they feel like shelby and i are too mean to each other, specifically that I am too mean to Shelby on the pod.

And I guess I want to take this opportunity to say I don't think that that's true. You said it like, here's what happened, you guys. We got this feedback from a listener that said, you guys are mean, you're negative. Caleb treats Shelby like a dumb kid sibling, which in my defense, Shelby is. feedback from a listener that said you guys are you guys are mean you're negative caleb treats shelby like a dumb kid sibling which in my defense shelby often acts that way is my dumb kid sibling caleb is younger than me in age but in behavior i am four years younger yeah yeah yeah um and basically we got this feedback and i went to shelby and i said shelby be honest with me now do you feel this is true and shelby said yes and so i belittled her and beat her up physically with my fists and

and you guys can't see this right now but i am tied to a chair and i i'm sorry to say it have a gun and i there's one light it's flickering i sometimes have seizures so it's really dicey for it to be which is why i did that yeah yeah yeah and what he did and i think this is brilliant um is he got one little drip of water to come down not in rhythm out of rhythm drip drop drip in rhythm i feel like i could you know let that lull me to sleep but it's it's not that way it's kind of like she got the swag saw she dripping swag no so you guys i i just want to say shelby and i look we're toxic and we're friends.

We're toxic and we're friends. Okay. And then on. Okay. Three, two, one. Two, one. One, two, one, two, three, four. We're toxic and we're friends.

We're toxic best friends. Look, we love each other. And if you guys ever feel like we're being negative on the pod, it's only because we're queer. And queer people are inherently negative. And, you know, gay, queer joy is really manufactured by Target and Citibank. Yeah. For the month of June.

Yeah. It's not real. Yeah. So actually it's homophobic if you think we're too mean. But I think Shelby in regards to, and by the way, this is one message we got. Most of the messages we get are so nice. And I fully spiraled about this message because I was like, do people think we're mean? Which is actually a really good indicator of how mentally unwell i am and so shelby and i

decided mutually as a partnership that we're going to start a segment called shelby and caleb compliment each other because they are friends shelby and caleb compliment each other because they are friends. And sometimes maybe we'll just do that on the episode so that you guys know that we love each other. And I'll do one now, Shelby. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are. Look at my eyes.

Don't look away. You're looking away. Don't look away. Yeah, my hand was bleeding. What? I don't't know don't be like hilarious like ermis goes to camp like doing little skits when i'm trying to do serious yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah shelby came in no i can't tell a story where you're being goofy because i have to compliment you right now it's part of the second the new segment shelby you are

one of the most loyal friends you are one of the funniest and kindest people you are one of the most loyal friends. You are one of the funniest and kindest people. You have some of the curliest hair I've ever seen, girl. And I love you to death. And if anything ever happened to you, I would kill whoever did it to you. Thank you. And Caleb, you talked about my hair. I have to talk about yours. It is so beautiful when it's cut and when it's not.

You are funny, funnier than most people I've ever met. You are tall, which is really helpful when I am so short and our cabinets are so tall. This isn't going well. What do you mean? This isn't going well. Well, you started, hair was a sub note for mine. You started with hair and then you did height. I'm just going off.

And then you did height? You did my going off. And then you did height? You didn't let me finish. If you let me finish, I would get to personality, which is strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said, I'm going to get to my big point.

You have such a big presence. When you walk in a room, people know it. This is only going gonna hurt the rumors that you that i mean to you no no i'm dedicated to this i'm just having a good time you never say anything nice you're like you're like caleb i live with you i make a podcast with you let's raise our glasses and let's do this no you're patient only when you want to be yeah now you're lying when you want to be patient you're patient you're extremely fair what you

know is true about yourself i am very judicious to a fault sometimes when it's annoying to me wait so actually something about shelby and i's friendship this is gonna be maybe our longest intro ever um we'll get to our guests when we feel like it but maybe one of the most annoying thing about shall be a nice friendship i feel like we both do this actually is that if one of us tries to talk shit about something in our lives to the other person and the other person feels like we're in the wrong we genuinely yeah we genuinely would be like no i'm on the person you're talking shit on site actually sorry yeah you're not being right in this situation and that's just tough and that sucks so bad that's actually actually more than anyone else in my life i feel like i can trust your opinion on how i'm behaving and also like on work like if i'm writing something and i give it to you even

if i'm being precious about it you'll give me honest feedback. Oh yeah. And I trust your feedback. We tell each other when stuff is bad. All the time. You're brilliant. True. You are almost a lawyer. You went to college. Again, again, you're really plumbing the depths. No, I'm just having fun with these little like side things that are just theoretical. You've said nice things. You were almost a mayor.

You've said some of you've said some really important stuff show me and also to be fair i should have mentioned your height you're one of the smallest people i've ever seen they don't almost even make them as small as you guys you have no idea how high our cabinets are having someone caleb's height is so important and honestly he's really nice about the fact that i need to have three step stools in the house and i hate them they're ugly and i bump my i bump my toe into them a lot but i need them but all of this is to say listeners we've never addressed on the pod that we um that we go at each other a lot you know uh shelby will say that she doesn't

want to fuck me and i'll get mad at her and then shelby will say that i can't beat people at basketball and you know we'll get mad well you know can you it's not important whether or not I can I can say what I want on the pod

and you guys Shelby and I we love each other and we have so much fun doing stuff together and you guys have to understand you guys have to know

if even one more person told us that we were mean to each other it would just break our little hearts. And this is also a good time, I feel like, to tell the listeners, if you like the podcast, which most of you do, go review it on stuff. Share it with your friends. We're doing really good.

Oh, we broke a record last week. Shelby, are we allowed to say that? I think it's true. We broke the record. Most listens in a week. Got our most listens in a week because you guys are sharing the pod so please keep sharing it because 13 million listens jake and amir from head gum are extremely violent towards us and they and they use jeffrey james to carry this kind of stuff out they send jeffrey over to our house he came over with a lead pipe once and said

that we weren't doing enough self-promotion so weird about it because he was he kept apologizing but he was ultimately trying to threaten us yeah and he did try to kiss both of us which was a nice but ultimately the pipe made it weird the pipe made it weird and jake and amir drove him which was strange so they were just sitting in the car kind of staring at us we were on the porch and i don't know what car you think that they drive but it's a miata yeah whatever you were thinking you're wrong because i know you guys weren't thinking it was a miata but they drive they share a miata jake and amir jake and amir share a company miata and they bring jeffrey james over to our house to do threats and that and then so we just need you guys to keep sharing so that they'll stop coming over because we like where we live, but we will move.

Oh, we will move. And we love you guys. And we love doing this pod together. And I'm sorry that it seemed like Shelby and I were fighting recently. And by the way, just know that this should be an example to you guys. If you ever say something negative to us, we will address it at length for absolutely no reason. But if you could honestly DM it to us instead of putting it as a for absolutely no reason but if you could honestly dm it to us instead of putting it as a one-star review on the pod that would be

that girls would be simply allyship because we will respond to your dms and we will be upset about a one-star review yeah we need five-star reviews, if anything. So everyone go on there and counteract the one-star review. 25,005 stars. Yeah, and tell your friends. Share the episode with friends. We're also... DM us what you guys want to see on the social medias. While we're talking about the pod kind of in a meta way, which I feel like we never do,

we're going to start putting more videos on the Instagram feed, which we just did with ER Fightmaster. We're going to start doing that more often. If you guys would like us to release a different day of the week, you can let us know. We could consider that. Just let us know what you guys want, because you guys are the Keeping Records family. And we love you guys. We love you so much.

And it's like Pride Month. It's Pride Month, and we spend all of our time. I wake up, Shelby and I wake up in the same house. And I wake up and I shoot out of bed. And I run in my slippers down to Shelby's room and I say, All I want today, Shelby. And then Shelby finishes the sentence and says, For the keeping records.

Okay. So, anyway, we love you guys. And we think about you guys constantly. Okay, enough. Bookkeeping, right? Bookkeeping? Well, I feel like when we were talking about this, constantly okay enough bookkeeping right bookkeeping well i feel like when we were talking about this social media isn't that bookkeeping oh yeah kind of yeah kind of bookkeeping well we should probably at some point talk about our guest this week wait so true yeah well he's an absolute icon he's a chicago comedian he performs regularly at the hideout he's one of the

funniest people in the state of illinois and also maybe country of united maybe country of united and you guys please put your paws fins and flippers together for aj AJ, how are you, bitch? I'm sweaty. I'm dewy. I'm a little bit greasy. I'm feeling good. Now, you're a homosexual, correct? It's been proven many times, yeah.

Many, many times. Come out on the pod. Shelby and I are going to turn this into a gotcha journalism podcast. So, we've been looking through your socials, and it comes to our attention that you're gay. You were seen recently canoodling with the bushes in a private VIP booth at a baseball game. Tell us about that. You've been really silent about that. I need to talk to my attorney.

Oh, please don't. I'm so sorry, you guys. Yeah, I think my Twitter does give off very insanely gay vibes i when i was home uh over the past year to visit my family um i joke about but my dad found my twitter uh and he is not a fan uh and one of the tweets he found that he printed out for me was a tweet that said man i wish this was in my ass right now and it was a picture of the freedom tower and and he was like what is this so you're a patriot you're not allowed to be a patriot now oh sorry that i'm turned on by freedom sorry like i couldn't take both towers sweetie i i my dad also found my twitter in college and i

had not come out to him or talked to him about my depression because we are not close and but i was certainly tweeting about it for the whole world and my dad found my twitter and called me i was like a sophomore junior in college and it was a similar thing where he was like all this gay stuff all this depression stuff are you kidding and i was like wow it's complicated i mean it's all true but i am also kidding. And then I told him, I will never forget this my whole entire life. I'm crying on the phone, like explaining my depression to him in detail. And it goes on forever.

And then I stop and he just takes a long pause. And then he goes, in all sincerity, he goes, it just reminds me of that painting. Tears of a Clown. That is... We have never talked about depression or mental health or anything again. Honestly, that's the read of a lifetime too. So good for your dad. Because when I had to talk to him about being gay, he had one of these reactions. a my dad's by the way he's like a 90s car salesman through and through his whole entire life he's like a very guido looking guy uh he was like never would i think in a million years i'd have a gay son and my literal response to him was to talk to him about how he wears

corduroy to work i'm like you wear corduroy you're gay you know what i mean and we got a huge argument he went downstairs. He drank a bottle of Crown by himself. The next day we went and got cherry dip cones from Dairy Queen. And we just never talked about it again. I've come out to my dad twice. And it would surprise me if he knew I was queer. He has never addressed it in his response.

He's always addressed something else I said. Your dad's probably really proud of you being – I mean, he's a businessman. And being gay is good for business right now. I don't think for his business almost at all. No, but for yours, you're in the business of entertainment. Entertainment industry loves faggots. It's hot right now. And that's good for business.

So maybe he's proud of you as a business person. Are you saying I'm gay for stay in the industry? You better be. Are you not? You better be, Shelby. AJ and I are. I'm gay for free i'm gay for whatever whatever i can get me and aj would be swimming in um boon if it weren't absolutely just crushing it head to toe when caleb gets really mask on the pod. What was that mask? When you said, I'm going to be swimming in poon. Yeah.

It wasn't femme. It wasn't femme. I couldn't really say it. I mean, it felt really nasty. Swimming is very femme. Swimming is femme. That's so true. That's actually true.

Swimming is girls running as boys. That's so true. Oh, so true, actually. And jogging, trance. That's absolutely right. You heard so true, actually. And jogging, trance. That's absolutely right. You heard it here first. Shelby. What?

Shelby, you can't say that. I can't say jogging is trance? Oh, yeah, you can. I thought you said something else. What did you think I said? I thought you said trance people can't play sports. And I was like, Shelby, that's not appropriate right now. There's a big debate about that going on.

That's something Shelby would totally say. I just misheard you. It was a turn of the word or something. AJ, this is a really important moment before we get to your records. And we don't have to. My birthday is tomorrow. Do you have anything to say to me about that? Shelby, good luck.

I don't know what birthday is. Wait, Shelby, that's amazing. How old are you going to be? 50. Oh, good luck. I don't know what birthday it is. Wait, Shelby, that's amazing. How old are you going to be? 50. Oh, my God. You don't look a day over 49. Thank you. That's amazing.

Do you have any, like, fun plans? What do you like to normally do on your birthdays? I'm not a birthday person. I was low-key. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. I never celebrated a birthday in my life. But I love hearing other people talk about their birthday. There were people. Okay, I'm like, there was a Jehovah's

Witness in my grade, but there literally was. And I only knew that because when they did like certain Christmas celebrations, they would always make me sit out because I was Jewish. And they would do it for like Easter and stuff too. And there was one girl who was Jehovah was witness and she would always sit with me in the dining hall because she was like yeah i don't do this either i was like all right word that's honestly one of the craziest things as a kid that doesn't celebrate holidays is like every holiday they're like okay aj and i had like go to i feel like go to the library in the school it was like a little kid's prison for like the lamest kids in the school it'd be like me and some girl named rebecca whose hair was like a little kid's prison for like the lamest kids in the school it'd be like me and some girl named rebecca whose hair was like down to her ankles

and they'd be like all right we'll read books for the next four hours we'll come back and check on you later and i just didn't get candy one of those girls at my school one of the four-length denim skirt girls you know the kind i really do think her name was rebecca but i can't remember now it's always rebecca it's always Rebecca. But she started trying out cuss words with me at school. Sometimes we would hang out and she'd be like, I just can't stand

when the teacher does that shit. And I would be like, oh my God, get it, bitch. I loved it when she would do that, but she would never do it confidently or with anyone else. She still kind of like censors herself. Like it just makes me so fucking mad. A meek swear is worse than not swearing.

Bad swearing makes me so fucking angry. Like people that are like, people that are like, I just, this gosh darn, like when an adult says gosh darn, I'm like, I will kill myself in front of you. Just say goddamn, you freak. Like what is going on? Okay, you're spying God. What do I normally do for my birthday? Ultimately is nothing. Caleb is similar.

Caleb wants nice texts from his friends. And a nice meal. And a nice meal. And I want people to say nice things to me. Typically, I'm just kind of like, oh, I'll spend time with people I like in a low-key way and get some calls. But we are going to see some people outside in the yard. in a like a prison way or like do you like in your front yard yeah there's a whistle that i don't know why should i put it that way we're probably just gonna have we're gonna have a party i don't know what i'm allowed to say anymore with quarantine

well that is kind of funny people are still doing that right now where they're like socially distanced of course they're like all vaccinated it's like yeah i'm assuming like i've socially yeah i guess i guess it was me being nervous about being like we're having a party and people thinking we're like tonguing strangers inside our house oh god i hope it turns out that way i honestly i hope that for you i really do because i feel like everything on instagram right now every caption is written like someone has a gun it's like to their're like, oh my gosh, love seeing my family. Obviously social distance. We're all tested negative.

We all got double vaxxed. It's like, stop, babe. It's fine. We all have Twitter. People will be like, grandparents and beaches and Pfizer. You're like, yeah, okay, I understand. Oh my God, not grandparents and beaches and Pfizer. Or people are trying to be cute with it.

Where they're like, we're like vacation brought to you by miss Moderna. It's like, shut the fuck up. We trust you. Just go to Mexico. Like that is what you were going to do anyway. He goes on a vacay.

Not Moderna. Mommy. Why are you killing this right now? You actually are nailing them. It's sick. You could be the part of this culture. Mommy. Moderna Mommy

is one of the sickest things I've heard. And even though, you'll notice by the way, even though the Johnson and Johnson thing was a complete farce, no one is saying they got Johnson and Johnson. No. And I know that because Shelby and I did and we're refusing to talk about it. Did you? No.

If anyone asks, I'm a Dolly Parton stan. Okay. I was refusing to talk about it did you know if anyone asks i'm a dolly parton stan okay i was gonna say it felt like it was one of those like tricks where it's like whenever they announced that there was an issue with anybody that like remotely mentioned that they had it it was like a call out and then they took it away it was like a like a test well i don't want people to be worried about me in blood clots naturally wasn't that the johnson and johnson thing that's something i always say. I don't want anybody to be worried about me and my blood clots. If my blood's gonna clot,

baby, I wanna do it in peace. Oh, my blood's gonna clot. This is some thick, thick blood I got going on. One thing about my blood, it's gonna clot. It's gonna clot. That's the real house, like, tagline of the century. One thing about my blood, it's gonna clot. that's the real house i have like tagline of the century walks away throws drink in someone's face

you guys shut up let's talk about my records already what we're here to do favorite grocery store oh i love i just went to a trader joe's for the first time last week first time really first time ever yeah absolutely i blacked out i came home with like eight pounds of cheese and no crackers i don't know what the fuck happened were you under the influence of substances i came in there with a list and i left with i had to get an uber back home because i had so many groceries i couldn't like take them back on the bus oh you also didn't answer my question. Were you high? Oh yeah, absolutely. I don't ever want to be in a grocery store. Not high. I love that for you. You know that at Whole Foods, some Whole Foods, I guess I don't know if it's all of them.

You can just like get wine, open it and drink it while you shop. What? I guess I don't know in COVID world, but when, but when I was in still living in Chicago, I would do it at that Whole Foods by IO all the time. The whole bottle, Shelby? Shelby, you're the problem, girl. No. Madonna Mami needs her juice. Oh, no. Not Madonna Mami.

Your alter ego is really getting out of control. She needs her medicine. Madonna Mami needs her meds. moderna mommy why this your alter ego is really good you need her medicine moderna mommy needs her meds i have no idea if that's true or not shelby but i love the fact that you did it anyway without actually confirming if it was real i don't know there was that like little wine bar so you could also sit down and drink wine but i was not about that i'm there for a purpose i'm shopping ladies be shopping ladies do shelby think you I'm shopping. Ladies be shopping. That's true. Ladies do. Shelby, thank you for saying that.

Ladies do be shopping. AJ and or Shelby, even Mike, if you want to chime in, what do you guys think happens when we die? Because... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Because I'm really nervous about it. not not me asking oh what do you think happens when we die and show me saying after this sponsorship whoever i guess i probably can't say that yeah we have magic spoon who i love love. Their cereal's really good. Let's do the ad right now.

No, really, I do get nervous about it. When we die, we go to a magic spoon cloud in the sky. When we die, we go to a no-cow, low-cow, zero-gram. They've got cocoa, they've got fruity, they've got frosted. got fruity they've got frosted

just like cereal from childhood you guys the way i feel certain this is gonna get cut i i don't know if we're allowed to do this is this illegal this feels illegal to be a part of this speaking of feels you guys if you haven't tried this incredible cbd product oh man i think nothing i think it's just over you know i i feel the same way um and here's the reason why because i feel like it's stingy of us to assume that we get anything else outside of this like and also to me it's something that's you know logistically doesn't make sense okay because growing up as a jehovah's witness everyone tells you like if you die you're gonna go to a paradise earth right where everyone's at like peak hotness so i've

always had these questions they say that in the room i mean i'm paraphrasing but it's like they were like everyone's at their best emotionally and spiritually and aj said hot yeah like it's like you're at your epitome of like what like good health is so my question is okay so let's say the apocalypse happens me and my whole family we all just get fucking crushed right does my younger brother who's three years old is is he like now 25 and hot? And is my 80 year old grandma now 25 and hot? And are we all just 25 and hot? And do we also populate in the same place or do we have to go find each other? And if I didn't know what he looks like when he was 25, would I just know it was him?

Like I have so many questions. I just think that logistically doesn't make sense. That makes me think that there is something. Also, there's so many people who have like sort of died and there's like the reality that uh you do release a chemical and those people were on drugs but they're like they see shit and then they come back and they're like okay i got some shit to say well we also see shit when we go to sleep at night like yeah brains are pretty capable and powerful that's why i said they're tripping i I already gave that caveat. Also, I think something really important came out there that I don't want us to miss.

AJ, you think the hottest age is 25 for everybody? I feel like that is a pinnacle of like your brain stopped. Like 25 for me was when my brain stopped. I think it's like your brain stops gaining any more knowledge. You realize what depression is at that point. For real, for real. And then from 25 until about 30, you kind of just go through that at 30 you're just like fuck it honey i'm having fun and you just like move on that's so interesting because i feel like

i went through that at like 20 and then at 25 i was on i felt 30 yeah but you're sober so true do you think that's part of it absolutely from 20 i was drinking in like seventh grade so i was like not feeling my real emotional state until like maybe five minutes before this uh podcast started and i'm still drinking yeah and i'm drunk right now thank you bully that what do you think is the hottest age caleb says something so gross i know i'm like literally after i finish the question i was like actually you know what i think it differs for everybody but i think the hottest age aggregate like if we had to average it out is probably 25 if you really had to like like crunch all the numbers can i be honest i think i'll but you don't agree and i know that already is it about old

people no it's that i think people get their hottest in the early 30s. I mean, it just depends. I guess I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. You've never seen it happen? You've never seen anybody be hot? Everybody that's playing a hot teen on a show is actually 31. Anytime I see a guy that I'm like, okay, they're really hot.

No, they're 31. And everyone like, okay, they're really hot. No, they're 31 and everyone's 31 and they're all hot. I think early thirties is when people peak because they're also usually a little bit less stressed and that reads on their face a little bit. I was, I was thinking this morning that I feel I am, I am 26. So AJ, don't like wait for me to chime in about that i thought about just moving on um i'm 26 and

i don't feel old but i feel like i feel much more um stable and like i think i know who i am and what i want and i feel less stressed out about things way more than when i was like 22 which doesn't feel like that long ago actually and i was today I really had a feeling of and I feel this sometimes I feel like I won't I don't mind aging that much like I feel like maybe when I'm 30 I'll feel like I'll feel like oh this is actually good I feel more like myself I think that that's absolutely correct I don't really care about aging in that way at all I feel like I never even think about I'm like really bad at guessing people's ages that way at all. I feel like I never even think about it. I'm really bad at guessing people's ages anyway for all sorts of cases like that.

But also, not to project on you, but you are a queer person from the Midwest. So to be fair, you were 42 when you were 13. Absolutely correct and true. That is 100% true. So you had nothing but time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, you had a very privileged existence, you stupid bitch. You come for me really hard.

You probably appreciated a really nice candle when you were like 16. I do. I really do. And it's because I actually did really love candles from a young age. I fucking knew it. My Aunt Gina had always really nice candles, and her double wide smelled really good every time we went over there. I really thought you were going to say something like,

I thought you were going to give a really heartfelt story about like how the person at the like Yankee candle was like a queer ally. And you're like, Oh my God. Ew. That's so disgusting that, that you literally thought I was going to give like a heartwarming story about being gay.

That's so gross. About liking candles oh that would be cute you're right thank you well we do literally have to take a break no we do literally have to take a break for our ads and then I guess

when we come back maybe we'll talk about AJ your records do you think? We'll see we'll see daddy oh no what if we never get to the records welcome bark welcome bark where were you with aj oh aj do you want to give us a bark like do, do I have to say it or like an actual dog bark? However you feel compelled to bark.

Oh, babe, it's probably mine. No. The way you kind of quivered your lip like you were going to give us a good one. Yeah, you worked it. I feel like here was the problem was that you were going to try and really do an impression and you were worried that it would fall flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. absolutely i had a situation the other day where i was trying to do an owen wilson impression and um i'm not gonna do it at all

seriously no i couldn't that was the problem is i forgot what he sounded like midway through it and then i just kind of like got rid of yes yeah that's that's it well honestly to tie into the records oh wow this is a good segue because he is in the movie anaconda which is one of the things i think should be he's shot the fuck up into space anaconda now tell us what that's about this is the first item on your records listeners if you're keeping track we have officially started the premise of the podcast 32 minutes in aj anaconda talk about it anaconda uh so i think it's really important to go into space is all of jennifer lopez's entire filmography i think that she is an actress that we're just not considering enough and anaconda is one of those movies for me that I just think was very formative in a really weird way. Gigantic snake.

Okay, just to lay it down for you guys. Have you guys watched Anaconda at all? I don't think so. No, but I'm so afraid of snakes. Oh my gosh, you'd be terrified by this movie. It's so good. AJ, are you a snake person? You have kind of snake person energy.

You're saying that because I'm wearing a tiny beanie and I have tattoos. That's not fair. I am not a snake person at all. You seem like someone who would maybe own a snake. You have an energy that says maybe this person owns a snake. But you would have one of those really cute snakes. The ones that people are like, oh, you can hold this. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, not the ones that can kill. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. The process of feeding a snake is too scary to me. Yeah. Are there any vegetarian snakes? Is that not a fair question?

There has to be, right? I want you guys to know. I only went to high school so honestly everything like this excites me i'm sure mike messaged us that some of some snakes eat eggs oh only eggs mike do they eat only eggs oh i've seen them eat an egg whole that shit is gross snakes are a problem why well so many reasons go off girl they come in through the toilet and they bite your ass. Fuck that. Fuck a video of a snake coming through the pipes.

That's one of my biggest fears. That's one of my biggest fears. Fuck that. Fuck that in a big way. Also, there's a snake in the Amazon that can sense heat for up to a football field size, 100 yards, and then spit venom at you. You never even have to be near it. And you're so far, if you are where that snake lives,

I watched this on the Nature Channel. TNC, the Nature Channel. They can spit venom at you. And because of where they live in the Amazon, if you ever touch their venom, you'd be so far away from any help, you would die. There was no chance of salvation. Also, they can kill you

other ways too like just straight up strangling you or that do you guys remember that there was a story i feel like where um a snake owner who had a big snake as a pet for a long time the snake started sleeping laying down the snake started sleeping beside it and laying out beside him and he was like oh it's behaving weirdly and he didn't think anything of it and then finally he like goes to a vet and is like hey my snake has been laying out beside me for bedtime on my bed. It was sizing him up because it was planning to eat him whole. It was measuring him to see if he could eat him whole. You are lying.

I would never lie, bitch. This snake, it was sizing him up to see how soon it could eat him whole. And it was starving itself. That's important, too. Yeah, it wasn't eating. Because the snake wasn't eating. Because it had starving itself. That's important too. Yeah, it wasn't eating. Because it had to prepare. That's why I took it to the vet. I love that energy. No. I've done that before. This is why I said you have

snake owner energy. Have you ever seen a snake bury itself in sand? Not recently, no. It's one of the scariest videos I've ever seen. I will admit it's been a minute since I've seen that. Anytime I watch a video of a snake burying itself in sand, I think, sand can't exist anymore. We can't have sand.

I want to say, AJ, it's not an accusation when I said you have snake owner energy. I used to be very scared of people who own snakes. And in order to face that fear, several years ago, I joined a snake owners group on Facebook. And I got to sort of know their culture and understand them. And they're really gentle people. They really are gentle people. They really are. This isn't true. Caleb, what?

It's called, it's called ball Python owners for good people. They had to clarify those for good people because there was an original group where there was a lot of bullying going on. So they started a subgroup that's just for owners who are like nice and they are a very docile community. The snake owners. This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my entire life there there was a in in december of 2019 in the in the snake group that i'm a part of on

facebook there was a bunch of people started posting simone biles stuff in the group and we're like this is huge for representation so i thought simone biles had done something like broken some new gymnastics record or something it turns out that she just bought a pet snake. So the Facebook group was going up posting about representation because Simone Biles got a pet snake. It was awesome. I want to be part of this. I'll add you.

Also, some of them just fly. They jump. They jump, but they don't slither. You're literally making up facts because you know that I didn't go to college. Shelby has said seven fake facts about snakes during this episode. If you guys don't think I'm watching

documentaries about snakes to try and get over my own fear, you're wrong. Shelby said there is a snake in the Amazon rainforest that has heat-seeking venom. I'm about to send you the flying snake and you're going gonna eat your damn words again does it have wings i don't know they just leap and they they they are so thin that they fly for like tree to tree they're scary as fuck wait is this the kind of moment where that one listener

would accuse me of being mean shelby do you think or is this am i being valid and doubting no i think you're valid but you're wrong also at the same time. You're not being mean like you were in that one episode. That one episode, you were really mean. No, I'm doubting myself. AJ, do not stoke the fires, bitch. We have one listener who really wants to fight. Are you watching the video I sent where the snake is flying tree to tree? No, it's just falling out of a tree, Shelby.

That's not flying. Go to 241. Go to 241. It's falling out of a tree. No, keep looking. It's falling out of a tree. No, keep looking. It's in the sky. Okay, if I crawl up a tree. Let me say something to you.

If I crawl up a tree and then I jump really far out of the tree and then land on the ground, I'm not flying. I just jumped. It flew from so far to so far. It looks like a giant. It's giant the discovery channel calling it the flying snake i don't know why you're acting like i'm making it up they're being sensational they're the media shelby you and i have to do better it looks like a thrift store belt not to drag it all bits aside the snake is i have to admit flying yeah thank you jesus christ it literally

is an error we can't deny that it's soaring through the sky it is technically a ufo yeah it's identified but only now if you saw it out in the world you'd say ufo that could be an alien ship that's a flying ass snake didn't jennifer lopez play like a extremely italian person in the wedding planner she's supposed to marry someone named massimo because of the culture isn't that that sounds about right okay wedding planner is not one of the ones i actually fave so like i can't give all the tea on that one but i thought you were about to refer it i thought you're gonna say didn't she play an italian person when she played selena and i was ready to actually go off on you did she play selena i don't know what did you say

i didn't yeah she played selena but selena's not Italian. No, I was just thinking that that's where Caleb was going. Like, did she play an Italian person like Selena? And I was like, oh, bitch. Do you know how mad? We got him. I've said some dicey things on this podcast. I feel like that people could be sensitive about it if they wanted to. Do you know how much fucking trouble I would get in if I said that Selena was Italian?

People would hate me. It would be the Twitter thing that I would look for. Yeah. Yeah, it would be the twitter thing that i would look for yeah yeah it would be the twitter fire so your top top three jennifer we're gonna include the filmography but just for the listeners top three that go on anaconda uh monster in law with jane fonda obviously so good also i have to say on monster in law one of my favorite comedians has a very fun role in that movie wanda sykes oh yes wanda is so good in that film she's good in everything she has she has otherworldly timing no one has wanda sykes's time yeah also um wanda also did the alternate don't say gay psa that hillary duff did so hillary duff had the gay psa about that's so

wearing a skirt as a top wanda sykes has a different PSA at that same time where she like belittles two teenage white guys at a pizza restaurant. For being faggots. For them saying they're like, that's so gay. And she was like, it's like if I thought this pepper shaker was stupid. And I said, man, this pepper shaker is so 16 year old boy with a cheesy mustache. Just saying. We love Wanda. She should be in actually more Jennifer Lopez movies.

And my other one is The Cell. The Cell is like a horror movie that Jennifer Lopez did. I'm sure you guys haven't seen it either because you guys are 16 years old. But it came out forever ago. And basically, Jennifer Lopez is playing the psychiatrist who does therapy with people by going into their minds and exploring their minds to find out why they do the things they do.

And she does it on this one kid. We aren't making movies right anymore. No. No. Not at all. Because this movie is insane. And it's also very horny, very artsy. I hate the word artsy when it's used earnestly but it is and she gets hired by

vince vaughn who's this detective who's like hey this murderer like kidnapped this girl he's killing her we don't know where the girl's at we need you to go inside this guy's mind and find out why he's doing what he does so jennifer lopez has amazing curly hair and she's like yeah i'm gonna do it and she like goes and gets in this guy's mind it's literally like the most insane marilyn manson video in there and then um she ends up getting taken over by this killer that's inside of his mind all this other crap ben smont has to go in the mind too and figure out where she's at and at the very end um spoiler alert for all the fans she ends up drowning him inside of his own mind and releasing him from his like weird prison right, it's time for a segment that we call... AJ, we're going to do a segment called This or That. This.

Or That. This is a segment where we give you a bunch of options. You have to choose between them. You only have 60 seconds on the clock. Do you have any questions, AJ? Let's go for it. Okay, time starts now. Disney adults or Harry Potter adults?

Harry Potter adults. Cats or dogs? Dogs. Jimmy Buffett or all-you-Can-Eat Buffet? All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Late for a wedding. Thank you. Late for a wedding or late for a funeral?

Late for a funeral. Back knee or bad knees? Fuck. Back knee. Hair for teeth or teeth for hair? Ew, Shelby. What? Hair for teeth or teeth for hair?

Hair for teeth. Oh, my God. Dog poop or pooped on by a bird? Oh, pooped on by a bird. Sex or Tex-Mex? Oh, Tex-Mex. Michelle Obama or Michelle Branch? Michelleex. Michelle Obama or Michelle Branch? Michelle Branch.

Michelle Branch or Tree Branch? Tree Branch. Test the waters or dive in the deep end? Dive in the deep end, baby. Okay, last one. Glass half full or glass half empty?

Oh, it's half empty. And I want more. Teeth for hair or hair for teeth what would shelby right what was your idea on that one babe i don't remember how i got flying snake vids got me like got me like wishing i had hair for teeth wait what animal has brussels what animal says brussels for teeth whales whales aj what else would you put on your record um the other thing that i'm kind of obsessed with is i love theme park souvenirs more specifically saloon style

family photos i think they're the most fucked up thing that's ever happened to theme parks they're so bizarre it's bizarre and the reason i like them so much is because like you have a photographer who's just telling your mom to dress up like an old prostitute from the wild west and like you and your siblings all have guns and you're like pointing them at her and like playing with her garter and then that's the photo that you have to like bring home with your family and people pay money for that and i think that that's a really good part of uh human culture what do you want aliens to understand about earth based on this just that we go places or sort of what's the i don't know i feel like there's so many different ways to go

with it because theme park souvenirs really don't represent a great time all the time like anytime i've had one it's because i've been with my family and we've been like fighting at the theme park or like i would go to one of those things where like the guy at like worlds of fun has to guess your age and he's like 32 and you're your age. And he's like, 32. And you're like, I'm 16. He's like, okay, well, here's a 50-pound stuffed frog. It's just such a weird thing to get rewarded for. And we love that shit.

It's not even really a good memory. It's like a passage to absolute heinous memories. I cannot with the 32 16 year old thing it's disgusting so horrible so sad especially that when they're like let's guess your weight i'm like i don't think that this is a good idea i don't want you to and like the scale there the scale there is like the size of like an 80 inch tv it's like a massive scale that everyone can see and like you're being weighed in front of everybody. It's terrible.

Horrible bananas. It's cuckoo bananas. But more importantly, what's more bananas is we haven't talked about the next thing on your record yet. AJ. Uh, my next one is breakfast after a hookup.

Um, it's like one of my things I, I think is like, I don't know. I get very, I like, I love seeing people coming back from like a dunkin donuts with two coffees and they look like they absolutely got like their lives banged out of

them i think it's so like romantic and charming to grab a coffee for someone else but also for myself if like anyone ever stays over um and we've like hooked up i wake up early every single day i never wake up late i'm a total breakfast bitch like i love breakfast um i think that's a really good chance like to get to know people after you um do disgusting filthy things with their bodies or in their first name stuff like that yeah mouth after you do all the mouth stuff and get all that stuff out of the way you're like okay well thank you for the ride home last night uh you're one of the better ubers i've ever had then you give them some you know a burrito a cup of coffee so the so the breakfast after hookup is with the hookup and it

is at home yeah absolutely yeah i would never do this really no first of all first of all sleeping over that yeah very rare in my opinion very rarely would that be acceptable, but definitely not breakfast. It's a get up and get out situation in my world. But you would love to know that Shelby and I, while we never have sex, much to my protest, we do get breakfast for each other almost every morning. Well, coffee. Well, that's nice. I'm glad that you guys do that.

What do you, I don't believe that you guys don't have sex. I think this is a really big, like, farce that you're putting on for all of your audience. I absolutely know for a fact that you guys do this comes up every episode wouldn't it be so funny if all of our friends brought that up every time we had them on they were like what are you talking about what do you mean there's not really an episode where we don't where someone doesn't bring up the fact the idea of us having intercourse it really comes up constantly eventually it really does yeah i think no yeah i like a kind of like a holiday episode it's so actually hurtful to my mental

health that even in the joke of it shelby every time goes so every time i'll be like ha ha maybe we will someday and shelby goes shelby like i didn't gag that time the best part is how dismissive shelby is but also shelby is like dismissive Shelby is, but also Shelby is dismissive, but also not shocked or upset about anything. Shelby is literally fixing her fingernails and being like, no, not at all. It's not going to happen. Completely unmoved.

Unmoved by it. I've thought about this recently, and I said, what would it take for Caleb and I to sleep together? Not for me to sleep with Caleb. For Caleb and I to mutually agree. No. I'm actually explaining why it's not hurtful right now this is how much we would have to sit down what we would negotiate together are the terms to us having sex and i've decided a production company would be involved who is gonna pay for that yeah not to tape it not to tape it

oh you guys aren't understanding me it's not for them to tape it it's for them to do sort of a a recap after with us sort of interview style about how it's changed us yeah i would give i would give it a few dollars thank you i would give it a few dollars exactly it's it's literally that they interview us before they do not interview at all the day or night that we have sex and then the next day it's them interviewing us both and then they do like a uh um a recap again like six months down the road and you guys are just so dehydrated because you guys are just you guys just fuck so insane yeah that's disgusting but i'm again i doesn't want to do that show so

now he's being hurtful no i think um it would really depend on where i'm again i doesn't want to do that show so now he's being hurtful no i think um it would really depend on where i'm at career wise if the project made sense i would want really all the appropriate parties to weigh in um taylor's trying so hard not to be mean right now he's doing pr for himself so bad he's like yeah actually yeah i literally i will never be able to joke fully with shelby on the pot again because we got one comment that said it seems like we're fighting so shelby can hold her own for the rest of the podcast shelby could literally thank you aj i think so too hold your own yeah the problem with the comment is also that they think i'm a weak little bitch which they're right about

and that is that's what i've come to realize through this i went to the gym today we aj we're really neglecting your records i think breakfast after a hookup can be amazing would you ever consider fucking the aliens absolutely absolutely and i would like i would invite them to fuck me as well depending on what they want to do you know if you had to choose would you rather cartwheel 69 for the aliens um i don't want to have to choose but you do and i don't think you should have to i I think you shall be. But in this moment, you do. And someone has a gun to your head, unfortunately, I'm so sorry to say,

and they say you have to top for the aliens or bottom for the aliens. I would tell the aliens I was open to topping for them, but once they came over, I would actually bottom for them. Thank you, Pride Month. That is actually gay culture. Wait, I have a question about the breakfast after they're just like us yeah what is the ideal it's you said burrito is that the ideal uh post post hookup breakfast so i always on deck i'll always have like chorizo and eggs at my house like non-stop um and i make homemade tortillas pretty often so like a breakfast

burrito is like a a really easy thing and it makes the house smell good and also i think it's just kind of like hot also for me it's like this is this is a thing where like for me i'm not saying like every single person i hook up with like has a sleepover but like if we're at a point where like you are sleeping over that next morning is like always for me like that's me in my prime i'm a really good person to make breakfast with i'm a good person to have coffee with that's me at my absolute best the rest of the day is downhill so like you're catching me at my peak and that's why i was gonna do an ad for dating you after that i know that we're like kind of straying from everything but i did want to ask do you guys have people that listen to the podcast that do um dm you guys trying to hook up afterwards because you guys have very horny podcast we and i never thought it

would come to this i never neither i never thought our pod would be as horny as it is but we have a lot of queer guests and i i just think a lot of our guests are fuckable i think we have fuckable a fuckable lineup caleb's getting dms he's saying yeah well if he is then it is sad for me because i'm not i can say confirmed there's one guy who like likes my tweets like two days after i make them and i go to check his likes and in his likes i'm the only comedian on his twitter likes and the rest are men in cock cages and people getting fisted so it's like it's literally like 10 listings of just like the most insane butt stuff and then it's like me being like

oh woke up smelling like cigarettes love like it's just something like asking to have the freedom tower up your ass it's all in the same it was a freedom yeah yeah you're not wrong when i was still like uh like straight straight which has been a while when i was still paying attention to who followed me uh like on twitter like you know when you have like uh like uh like 3 000 followers and it's really easy because no one's following you ever so you get like maybe one new one a day so you look at it okay drag me it's me i knew i knew when i started saying this literally literally gives the exact amount of followers i have we have 38 followers and it's constantly fluctuating between 5 and 6. Because ultimately, Caleb,

there's a really easy way to just say I used to pay attention to followers and not talk about what number you were at when you did it. Even that, even that, even saying I used to pay attention, I thought it would be more helpful to explain, can I say when I used to pay attention to followers, that even

I was like, someone's going to drag me. There was no way this didn't come up. But anyway, I would notice a lot of accounts that were like, yes, liking exclusively hardcore porn. And then just like my tweet, like, I think I found a love at the grocery store. Like it would literally be so extreme. It was just me. And then that. AJ, if you had to delete one thing for the records,

and before we get to that, it doesn't have to be the big stuff. Caleb, what doesn't it have to be? Do you mean like obesity, Shelby? Obesity, homophobia, war, What do you mean by the big stuff? Oh, she meant obesity. Oh, famine. No!

She said you don't have to get rid of all the fat people, just some. Just some. Pick a couple. Oh, I could easily pick a couple. I could easily no i could absolutely get it yeah no she meant famine aj exactly poverty so if i had to get rid of something it would be the bass clef treble clef heart tattoo i think it's one of the worst thing that's ever happened to um us as a country us as a people do you guys know what i'm talking about yeah Yes, it's horrible. The worst thing ever. And I went to college for like 15 minutes one time. And this girl in our co-ed dorm was like,

check out this tattoo I got. My boyfriend drew it for me. And it was the bass clef, treble clef, heart tattoo. And she thought that she was the only person that ever had it. Like her boyfriend made it specifically for her. And I refused to tell her otherwise i absolutely egged it on because i was like you fucking deserve it this is so bad uh but i think it's gross i think it's uh one of the worst tattoos you can get next to like

marvin the martian or the tasmanian devil i am begging you i am begging you to leave marvin the martian marvin the martian tattoo is just okay okay, it's like, okay, we get it. You work at Bar Louis. Like, you get the fuck out of my face. Bar Louis! Please, please. Not Marvin the Martian tattoo on the Bar Louis staff. I'm begging you.

That's so bad. God, I'm looking at the bass clef, treble clef tattoo right now, and it's making me so upset. It's really bad. Is the picture in black and white? No, there is flesh in it unfortunately the implication of it also is that someone just loves music so much it's like there are other ways there are other ways there are other ways oh yeah like keeping it to yourself the one i just sent you made me more upset these tattoos remind me of the wall art in cheap airbnbs absolutely like the way that that very specific version of like we ran down to good like uh goodies home goods we ran down to home

goods goodies um and we got some we got some paintings for our rbm airbnb before we rented out and it's like the cheapest there's always an elephant in front of like a rainbow splatter paint situation and the three zen rocks stacked on top of each other with like bamboo in the background. Yeah. Karen. There's always a Karen. Horrible. Horrible.

Awful. Terrible. AJ, we are nearing the end of our time with you. I think you have a couple of things left that we probably just can't get too deep into. But what are they that you were going to put on? The other thing I want the aliens to know about is that we have buffets on earth um we could have an unlimited choice of options and we if we want one thing from that buffet we can get it over and over and over again i'm a golden corral girl i don't know about you guys bitch yes it's my

favorite restaurant golden corral didn't you work at a golden corral yes and it didn't change most of my friends who worked at golden corral could never eat there again i'm the exact opposite i want it more and more and more what did you smell like when you came home horrible are you kidding oh awful like deep fryers and bathrooms because i had to clean the toilets when i left there's like a lotion pump full of hot cheese there and that's what really dragged me in like i have had watery cauliflower just fucking covered in the thickest cheese on earth. That's disgusting. I want them to take part in that too. And the other thing that I wanted to talk about is the Carvana vending machine.

I think it's a really big piece of innovation. It's a gigantic tower full of cars that you buy a car from, and it just drops the car down the center. I bought one myself last year, and it was the saddest, most pathetic experience I've ever had. And I think that that should be on record for them i didn't know that that existed until you said it you have to look it up i ridiculous i bought a camry hybrid that i bought a camry hybrid from them last november the thing that made it really sad is because it was like two weeks after halloween they hadn't cleared the cobwebs off of the podium where you buy the car so like they give you a

quarter that's the size of like a double cheeseburger and you have to go drop it into this fake vending machine slot and i thought that it was going to make a bunch of noise it makes no noise but what they do is they play machine noises through the speakers in the office so it's like and it's all fake noises and then the camry came down and it spun around and it came out of the building and that's when i realized i was having a manic phase and i returned the car two days later because i could not believe what had happened to me it's really quite insane to watch happening and why do they let it spin so many times her theatrical effect the guy i bought it in kansas city so the guy was like all right go ahead and put that quarter in there with some sass and i was like don't say sass that's homophobic that's homophobic

and i went and did it and he was narrating it the whole time he came he's like uh-oh it's spinning around it's coming down and it came down he's like oh it's still coming and i'm like okay we we get it but it was just like the most i guess i i want it to be more than something than it what it was that was it was honestly my theme park souvenir if we want to go full circle. That car was what I had left. If we want to go full circle, and we always do. We do like to go full circle. Hold that hula hoop high, baby.

You have been, AJ, an iconic and amazing guest who we love, and I want you to tell people where they can find you right now. You can find me on twitter with my 3280 followers at aj deluxe underscore or on instagram with my 2300 followers at aj deluxe aj is very funny on both platforms go follow him despite despite the fact that it will hurt me personally to see that he's getting ahead go follow aj aj we love you babe aj we love you guys thank you guys so much also don't you have a show coming at the hideout plug that i do come if you're living in chicago come to the if you don't live in chicago come to chicago anyway come to the

hideout starting july 7th i'm co-hosting a show uh called yard party with one of my favorite fag bosses claire austin smith it's a weekly show uh we will have all the best djs and all the best comedy that you can find with your greasy little hands we needed to plug that thank you guys love you bitch love you guys this was good i thought this was good i liked this i like That was a Hidgum Original.