Keeping Records - Some Dumb Joke (with Abby McEnany)

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

Writer, comedian, actress, improviser (and if I'm being honest? friend!) Abby McEnany is on the podcast, and she's brought her deep, deep passion for the United States Postal Service. (UPS is also close to her but for different reasons.) Vincent D'Onofrio, brand-name ibuprofen, Abby's kickass nephews, and President Jimmy Carter himself are all going to space. Ok, President Carter himself isn't going, but the aliens do need to know about everything he's been up to. Abby's Artifacts Procedural crime dramas (audio-visual) Mail (human institution and interaction) Advil (molecule) The knowledge of Abby's nephews' existences (human being) A record of Jimmy Carter's post-presidency (historical record) Watch Abby in the season premiere of Work in Progress on Showtime, on Sunday, August 22nd. -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Caleb. Shelby, Joelle. You beat me in Madden yesterday.

I did, but only barely, which was surprising because you didn't play well enough for it to be a close game. I'm sorry to say. Well, I don't think I have to be good at everything. Yeah, I mean, really one of the funniest things you've said to me in a long time, and you say funny stuff around me, was we're playing Madden, and I think I went up like 14 to nothing on Shelby or something. And she goes, unprompted, she goes, you go, you go, you go, you go.

I don't have to be good at this video game. I'm good at other things. Which really made me laugh, to be honest. Some people have some gifts and talents and some people have other gifts and talents. And so that is what it is. And so, yeah, like, I'm not a football player. What have you been up to outside of losing to me at Madden? You know, I have been just sort of hanging out,

staying away from my house. You've been a little transient because of some construction. Because of some construction. So, I've been sort of out and about. by the because of the way that these episodes were released you guys will find out more about that next week but oh yeah yeah because of the way we had to do them so yeah next week tune in to learn about what we're talking about with the construction but right now i'm not at home haven't been kind of been in and out and um you'll learn about that later so you have to listen to the next one that's so crazy that's so we're being random again on the pod oh my god i hate to be so random i absolutely hate when we're random what's up with you you're leaving town soon

i'm leaving town for two weeks uh by the time this comes out i'll be in kansas city and then after that i'm going to chicago and then after that i go to new york so we just sort of and then after that we might both be going to minneapolis we don't know yet we're just sort of both living you know coast to coast we're we're tri-coastal we are well here's what shelby and i are doing over the next couple of weeks begging to get delta we are traveling traveling traveling we are asking for covid fuck delta i'm trying to get lambda baby i want lambda girl give me kappa give me zeta i want iota i want to see omicron

um shelby and i are doing okay no um you know what here's something we could talk about um well should talk about. Well, should talk about because we're doing, most of the time we do our intros with our guests, but this time we're doing it separate because our guest this week, who you'll meet in a minute, a little busy right now. We're all busy, eh? We're all busy, innit?

We have been doing really well on numbers for the podcast you guys we um i think last week broke a weekly streaming record again didn't we shelby or downloads record oh we were really close but we got 20 shy we could have lied no one would have known the difference yeah but i don't want to lie i'm not a liar i don't have that within me i'm just like somebody who keeps it real. Keeps it real. Keeps the records. Keep listening. Regardless, we have been doing really well. And every time we ask you guys to review it and share it, you do. So here I am asking again, if you haven't reviewed the pod yet, review it. And hey, why not just, you know, no pressure.

Keep it cool. Keep it chill. Why not send it to a couple of friends and colleagues, the pod? Why not? It's like a favor for your friends make it what would it hurt to share the pod with a couple of your friends and we gotta be honest with you we have no idea why reviews are good but every time you do it we hear that it's doing better and we say okay for sure for sure we'll ask again we also i i ask for reviews not for

the success of the pod uh monetarily because i like to read them we we sit and read them and we really laugh out loud it really is our favorite thing yeah so leave us reviews message us on instagram we're shall be i almost never laugh anymore because we are both so dismayed by the state of our government and our world so so every once in a while when we get to have a momentary moment of joy and say again please please help us because we if you're not if you're not terrified you're not paying attention sorry that's how it is if you're not depressed if you're able to get out of bed in the morning you're not reading the news first of all first of, you have privilege.

And second of all, I'm built different. I'm a fucking sad sack. And I need my little reviews to get through the day. Daddy needs his reviews. Daddy needs his reviewies. Daddy. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Tell me about the stairs. No stop stop you can't say you can't say his name on this pod all right you guys we are so excited um our guest today is really iconic we are genuinely so fucking excited for our guest our guest is an incredible chicago comedian improviser and star of shelby do you want to tell them work in progress on showtime you guys ever heard of it season season one's already out you probably saw it season two is on the way which she'll talk a little bit about it's so good you guys have to be watching it if you're not watching it i don't really know what's

up with you i don't fuck with you no cool it please put your paws and mitts together for our dear friend abby mcain hi hi abby how are you per usual holding on by a thread where are you in the world you're in chicago right now i am yeah i'm in my apartment is it are you still where you were when i knew you yeah when i knew you in an old life i i remember i met oh i remember meeting you that night oh you were like i came you were looking for somebody in the green room i'm like let me let me go find them and then i was and i and i uh it was right it was at the end of a year and i my birthday is the first week of jan January I'm like now listen I know we just met

but I have this birthday party every year I invite if you'd like to I mean I'd love for you to come and you came is that the one you brought me to yes oh my god are you serious okay now worlds are oh my god yes and then I met you then I choose Shelby yeah same apartment nothing people

are like oh oh uh where did you move I'm like like, no, I'm. No, I love this place. I'll never leave. No, I mean, it paid off a lot of debt. Yeah, that is the tea. Was that too personal? No, not at all.

I think there's like a misconception and like, God bless. I know I sound so complaining. I'm so lucky. I'm like the like a misconception and like, God bless. I, uh, I don't always sound so complaining. I'm so lucky. I'm like the most fortunate person on the face of the planet. But like, yeah, people are like, Oh, maybe you could buy a house. I'm like, bitch, please. I was surprised. Uh, cause I'm kind of, I don't know anything about this kind of stuff.

Like finance stuff. I'm not good at, I didn't have a credit card until a year ago. Well, then you're very good at it. If you didn't get a credit card until a year ago, you're very you're very good at it. If you didn't get a credit card until a year ago, you're very smart. Well, I thought so. And then I had bad credit. And I started when I got a TV writing job for the first time, which is a kind of a similar thing, I think, as you say, people saying you should buy a house. I started paying off debt and my credit score started dropping because I was

paying off debt. You're not supposed to pay it off all at once. You're supposed to do like installments or something. The way credit works is one of the dumbest things i've ever heard in my life it was so crazy that's crazy my dad is like yeah you should always be spending money on your credit card so that you pay off your credit card and so that they can see that you'll do it and i'm like well if i never use it then is it that better he's like yeah no he's like no you should always be using it fuckers you, they just get us. They fucking get us. And now, oh, they're just sitting around.

And they're like fucking hovercraft fucking assholes. You know? And the worst thing is my dad has all the answers. But if I ask him, he gives me like, I'm getting an MBA. Like, he's sitting there being like, all right. So the way that works. He won't just give you the layman's. Yeah, he has to give you the full breadth of knowledge.

He's never just like, oh, yeah, you want to spend it so that they know you can. He's like, all right, so it's called cliff vesting. And the way that that will work, I don't care. Give me the dumbest version. Wait, is that a thing? Cliff vesting? Cliff vesting will be when... That sounds like something you do in Costa Rica after you did like ziplining.

You did your cliff vesting. Unfortunately, I could explain it to you. Clip vesting will go ahead and be if you have stocks. No, no, I'm good. No, no, no. Chase Shelby's dad. I'm good.

Chase Shelby's dad. If you have stocks, it'll take you. No, I want to talk to you about a Roth IRA. So what you're going to do, Abby. That's the safest place to put it. That's the safest place.

We brought you on because we don't feel like anyone's telling you this we brought you on because we found out you were staying in your same apartment and famous and we wanted to talk to you about we wanted to talk to you about finances honestly i i'm a i'm a simple bitch i don't i don't need very many things. I'm good. Now, Abby, you're heterosexual, correct? Yeah. Lean in, lady. Oh, we have fun. I'm a queer dyke. Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby. Yeah. We love that. Are you? We love that. Yeah, yeah. What if we didn't? You're like, oh, wow. Okay, we've done the cut. We love that. Un what if we didn't you're like oh wow okay we've done

unrelated we do have to end the call because shelby's dad called in with some hot tips so yeah you gotta go sorry i'm getting some bank information and i'm gonna head out yeah i don't even know enough about banking to know what to say there. I have to be like, I'm getting bank intel. I'm getting money talk. I have to go. Abby, before we get into your record, I want to know, because I don't think I've ever asked you. And Shelby, if you've asked and you know, you can make fun of me. Are you from Chicago?

How did you get to Chicago? What is your journey? I moved to Chicago for college, actually. Yeah, very cool. Yeah, and I moved to Chicago for college actually so um yeah and I um I moved around a lot growing up because of my dad's job and so like I was always moving and and like restarting and so when I moved to college uh to Chicago for college and I just I just stayed so and I haven't I haven't moved since so I've lived I'm 8 50 i'm 80 you are incredible girl don't change you are aging like a fine wine i would say i have the body of like an i'm 82 year old man and the maturity of an eighth grade girl

oh my god oh my god but i'm 53 and i moved here in 86 so uh that would be 30 some years i've lived here isn't that bonkers oh my god God. Yeah. It is bonkers. You are a, you are a Chicago comedy icon. Oh, I don't, I wouldn't do that. And you would never allow it to be said,

but it is what it is. I mean, not to be a total bitch, but that's one of the stupidest things I've heard all day. You can call it stupid all you want, my friend. But if I were to talk to someone who just moved to Chicago to pursue improv lessons at the Second City Theater. You are extremely mean and toxic to me, but I'm saying other people find you to be an icon.

Look at this beautiful young gay man. Let's bully him out of the world. Let's get him out of the world. That's right. Abby, you don't know this but caleb once showed up at my door in the rain sobbing sobbing sobbing i lived close to io and so he came he came through and he said he said you know abby mcmanney icon in the chicago improv world i said of course i know she's so iconic of course how could i not and he he said she's been so fucking

mean to me and then he cried in my house for three days that makes me I love and we just told this real story like oh my god hi you want to come to my birthday the listeners are like what is going on with their relationship are they which one's the true they're dating this is new for me I didn't know that oh. No, stop it. Abby, we are kind of excited to ask you a really personal question. Oh, and I love it. We want to ask you something. Shelby, you're much better at this than I am. Yeah.

If we were to send new records into space today, what would you put on it? Well, okay. And I think I kind of fucked up because I don't know how much like art and stuff. I would do procedural crime dramas. Yes. Those are like my favorite kind of shows. and then I think through writing the season of work in progress that's about to come out

oh god that was fucking idiotic I didn't mean to plug it I know it sounded so horrible we have to bleep that but you know and all the rebellions and protests after the George Floyd murder.

And, you know, and then just like it was, you know, Lily and I were talking about how, you know, as a very privileged white kid growing up, like, you know, I really loved all those cop shows. And I just fucking loved them. And in them, you know, the cops are generally the heroes and there might be a bad cop but even some of the cops we love are like you know they uh they're bad guys sometimes but they get to justice right um anyways and how dangerous that is right that like it's just this this pro cop thing is just uh oh sorry mike no no offense oh our producer mike is a police officer i'll volunteer i'llby getting in the mics a cop dig before we could absolutely amazing but like you know we grew up this thing like the cops are heroes and stuff anyways so you know so i do look at it it's like one of those things that it's like i feel i feel you

know thinking about it differently now uh but still like i'm sorry i just i just fucking love them i i just you know i also love those shows and i have been thinking about that a lot as well because obviously cops as heroes is problematic but it almost feels sometimes like and and i i i do feel very conflicted about it i try to watch less of them i'm trying to decentralize any kind of stories in my life that portray cops or the justice system as being any version of uh fair which we know it's not good yeah but it almost is like escapist in a way to see uh cops who care and solve cases because that so doesn't happen in the real world that it does it does feel like fantasy to be like oh what if cops were good people who who tried to get things done? Right.

Like on SVU where it's like, oh, they just really care to protect. Right. Every once in a while they'll say some shit. Yeah. But most of the time. Yeah. But also, I know cops who are wonderful folks. So it's not like you can't paint everybody with a white brush. Like Mike.

Like our producer Mike. Look, we just met. Jury's out. It's all for us too and we've known him for a while but he's a good he's good at policing he's canceling

me all right copy that he wiretaps a lot so he's really good he's really good with sound and audio from all the wiretapping

yeah but I love specifically like I love Law and Order Criminal Intent with my main man Vincent D'Onofrio and i love

i love of english mysteries like they do it they do it so well they are like you know masterpiece mystery uh you know pbs hey baby uh they do it they do it so masterpiece mystery what is that oh yeah oh my gosh okay on your pbs station um. And on Sunday nights, they have Masterpiece Mystery. Alan Cumming does the intros. They have all these amazing mysteries. Endeavor's coming back. Yeah, all these wonderful shows. So anyways, yeah, so I would put those up there. Ideally, what would you like the aliens to take from Law & Order SVU?

If they could understand every episode of every season in an instant what would you want them to get from it i didn't know we're gonna go deep and have to think about shit you could say you want them to know the mariska hargitay is like good stuff i mean i like i'm saying i'm saying i'm saying criminal intent so i would just say video i'd say i said my man video and say like he never misses. He's good at everything. That fucking guy. Hachi machi. Wait, do you have a hots for Vincent?

Fuck yeah, dude. I love to hear it. I will say about SVU, the funny thing about what you're saying about like, okay, we're like making cops heroes, et cetera, et cetera, is that SVU does this like half-hearted attempt to address that. But in doing so, it's like so much weirder. Like in the way that they do it. This past season, Caleb and I watched one episode and we were like, and now what is

this? What are we doing here? They were trying in one episode to address every social problem we have experienced in 10 years. Yeah. They were like, all right. So Black Lives Matter combined with COVID, combined with like. Sexual assault. Sexual assault.

It was like, oh, my God. Combined with the murder of black trans women. Combined with poverty. Combined with. Ambitious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ambitious. The murder of black trans women combined with poverty, combined with boot deserts. And when they normally do just like the one score, it was like anytime anyone got on a soapbox,

they were like, all right, get out the orchestra. And it was like, what are we doing on the show today? We've never done this. They had to hit their quota and they were like, oh fuck, we got one F left. They were like, let's get it out of the way. They were like, Mariska, you know what to do. Get out there yeah did you guys know that mariska hargitay's dad uh was like a world famous bodybuilder no but it does not shock me that you know that caleb mickey hargitay yeah yeah yeah i'm

really i'm really hot and horny for bodybuilders from like the 50s prove me wrong i can't abby you know that you know that that's what gets me going his name is mickey hargitay and he it was it it that's her dad and her mom is jane mansfield bullshit you're lying i really think that's true i really think that's true it's true about her mom well well well abby that look you you accidentally learned something on our dumb gay little podcast. You never, you never saw it coming when you agreed to do this. Look, anytime I'm around you, I just learn. I learn. And I thank you for that.

I wish that my dad was a bodybuilder. I think that would be really cool, but that's not the point. I don't want to go down a hole in that. Okay. I love that you're adding procedurals and i think that if nothing else we'll send we'll send vincent and maybe they can be horny for vincent like you are what uh what do you mean maybe of course they would be yeah absolutely wait i do want to ask one more question about vincent before we leave it the have you guys ever seen um the judge with robert downey jr yes vincent's amazing why can't I think of who this guy is I'll do a

little Google you'll know his face he's in the breakup the judge Vincent D'Onofrio yeah yeah you'll recognize him I've never seen this man before no ma'am you lied to us no I've never seen his face you are in big

trouble no I mean you know what I'm just glad finally i got to give shelby a gift you're welcome thank you you're welcome i'm thrilled uh he's he's so good and everything and he yeah you know does he do it for me um sexually the way that he does it for abby no but am i willing am i willing to go there yes i would I would try. I would try. Yeah. And I would say like, you know, I'm so dead inside. Like, whatever. I don't know. You know, this old bitch has been dead forever.

So I don't know. This old bitch. I'm so, he's just like, he's just hot and smart and intense. Yeah, I'm a big fan. I love that. What is the next thing you would put on your records? I love the mail. I love sending cards.

I just love corresponding the old-fashioned way. Again, I'm 53, so I'm older than anybody. All of you combined, I'm probably older than Mike. Mike, yeah. With Mike, too. Not even me and Caleb combined. I love mail.

And I did that, whatever. I just love writing cards and you know, putting dumb stickers on them. I mean, I just love that shit. I just love communicating and I think it's just so personal. And it's just kind of, I send postcards a bunch

just to say, hey. I don't know. I just love it. It's just kind of very, postcards a bunch and just to say, hey, I don't know. I just I just love it. It's just kind of very, I guess, very old fashioned now. Well, it's still it's still one of the most like earnest ways to communicate with someone, I think, because it's like, oh, you put thought into it. It takes time. It's not immediate. Yeah. All of our communication now is so immediate that it's like everything you have to say can be short form.

And you're like, I got to put everything down now. Would you want the aliens to receive a letter sort of in their own time where you're like, I sent you something and they're waiting on it. So they check the mail a bunch. Or would you want just to include a letter in there so they can just open the envelope? I would think that like, you know, just as like, because, you know, how long they'd have to wait for. So I would say like send out evidence of some communication between folks and show like how like humanity is a big fucking garbage heap,

but that there are moments of love and care and compassion and they can be shown through the written word or like pictures or something. I don't know. Running to get the mail is such a. Yeah. But evidence of like that you know there there is good there is good on planet earth and i think mail can be i was very tickled um to see this on your list abby because um i speaking of that that first birthday party that you invited

um us to i meeting all the people at your birthday party was your birthday party is quite an event. And all the people that come are very, I think of it as the Met Gala. Do you? The Met Gala. The Met Gala. Dirty jeans. Yeah. Dirty jeans. Well, there's a different theme every year.

That's the theme for your birthday. But I thought one, one thing, one thing I learned at that party being very new to being friends with you was oh i learned a lot about i thought i i left that party being like i learned a lot about abby by the fact that at that party i met your mailman you're like male person your male person was at the party i'm serious no he was not you're such a loser i'm gonna fucking kill you somebody from the ups store tell the truth you know the ups store yes that's a male person no well i think you meant the usps no yeah no yeah uh i wonder it was either donovan or kocho probably yeah yes you tried to come for me and and i thought i thought well that's a perfect example of who this person is that somebody from the ups stores at the birthday party yeah you send a lot of mail i mean oh yeah it's so funny because like

kaleb those are packages listen i mean look we don't have to get into it on my podcast to tell me what a package is i know but actually donovan who i met through the ups store is actually an actor in the in our work in progress He plays one of the throuple that we meet in season one and he shows up in season two. And we met at like, yeah, he works at the UPS store in my neighborhood and he's like a delight. And so I was, I went in and I was, and he's an actor. When I first met him, he was new to town and he was in this play. He was like, yeah, I'm an actor. I was like, no way. And he was in a play and it looked really good. So I went to, I went to the play and then I was like, Hey, I don't know. Like, do you do any, you know, television acting? He's

like, I don't have an agent. I'm like, I don't care. I just got an agent, but doesn't matter. And so he came in, auditioned and killed it. So yeah, he's a, he's a cast member. Not you going to the play for your UP, the guy that works at UPS. He was like, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I mean, it's just like, it was really good. He's a really good actor. Donovan Sessions. Hello.

Donovan Sessions. Yes. Name drop for Donovan. Free clock for the girlies. Free clock for the girlies. Free clock for the girlies. We love to see it. Donovan, we're getting you booked, babe.

For UPS and for Donovan. Anyways. So sending mail to the aliens. I think, yeah. donovan anyways so sending mail to the aliens i i think yeah it's also kind of what shelby said too i is what me i was thinking a lot about how like when you are one of my favorite feelings in the world is when somebody tells you that they are going to send you something yes and you don't know what it is and then you're just waiting on it and then and you check the mail and every time you check the mail kind of is just like a you know because you check the mail like oh i'm walking in the house i should see and then right

before you turn the key every time you're like oh shit that thing could be in here right yes you know you're all excited yeah caleb knows this very intimately because it was actually driving me a little crazy for a little bit but my current girlfriend used to live in dublin and we were long distance and we would send letters so to each other so gay but we were sending letters we were talking non-stop caleb was like what could possibly be in the letters so you talk non-stop what could be in a letter by calling and messaging all day on the phone and then being like i just got a letter i'm like about what bitch like this is insane but we would she would be like i sent you one and then

it would be like every day i would check the mail and i would wait like the amount of time i thought it should take for the letter to get there and then it would still not be there and i'd be like well maybe it's lost and then what and then i'm like sad about it maybe being lost but i really don't i haven't given it enough time and then all of a sudden it's there and it's just like it's such a little present it's like a little christmas present it is it's so wonderful lesbians lesbians still do relationships like we don't have planes or cars the letter the letter writing the long distance the the oceans apart i know so many lesbians in long distance relationships it's crazy i mean talk about a fucking humble brag yeah i humble brag is I know so

Honestly my proudest accomplishment is knowing so many lesbians I mean in long distance Relationships yeah Actually it's probably like pretty healthy Cause like you know the old trope is that Lesbos move in after one date So you know maybe a little long distance Isn't bad

A couple miles in between makes it a little bit easier To stop you know stop from breaking a lease S Yeah, a couple miles in between makes it a little bit easier to stop, you know, stop from breaking a lease. Saves you a couple thousand dollars. Like work some shit out before you. I don't want to fight with a landlord about getting out of my lease. Oh, gosh. If you had to write a letter to the aliens to include, what would you want to make sure it said? Would it just be a postcard?

Would it be like a longer Thing um it would start What's up What's up I'm still trying to bring that back And it's real uh my campaign is Failing hardcore so let's turn that How many times do you do it in the show season two Oh I don't know cause like

I honestly don't know None of them Well you probably threw it in a lot well i probably threw it in it was only written in one in one f and like i did and i was like you know and then like uh you know we're still in post right now even though like yes you don't know it's on the cutting room floor yeah and i was like they're probably like just a big fucking pile of all the what is that takes and you know what i i release the tapes yeah i was gonna say you should create a blooper reel of just you doing what i'd be the only was gonna say you should create a blooper reel

of just you doing this and I'd be the only one interested in watching like hey hey right right everybody like this is a good thing like yeah

this is a good thing yeah it's a good thing this is a good thing yeah yeah beat the dead horse dot com oh I should buy that okay

to be my domain domain thing beat the dead horse dot com oh my gosh I'm gonna check right now if that's a website beat the dead horse yeah Oh, I should buy that. Okay. To be my domain. Domain. Need a tenor. Okay. Oh my gosh. Wait, hold on. I'm going to check right now if that's a website. Need a tenor.

Yeah. What was it? Yeah. Y'all, I don't know. Abby. I was like, hey, hey, hope y'all take better care of your place than we do here and learn from our lessons. I don't know.

That sounds so that's really smart and sweet yes good good I'm kind of disappointed because you were so earnest just now I feel like I have really good news which is that beatadedhorse.com is presently available holy

shit I checked and you can buy it from GoDaddy okay first of all I will never buy anything from GoDaddy because of those fucking offensive Super Bowl ads can you can buy it from GoDaddy Okay first of all I will never buy anything From GoDaddy because of those fucking offensive Superbowl ads can you buy domain names From anywhere else yes I think you can But this one seems to be parked By GoDaddy

Oh that's such a fun phrase to say Oh this one's parked I just think they're I just find them Ooh god What an angry feminist That's what people there. I just find them. Ooh, God, what an angry feminist. That's what people say about me. I mean, yeah. I don't remember the ads.

When they first came out, it was just like a lot of, it was just basically models. This was with a very large breast and a Can I have this website, daddy daddy no no but they would have like go daddy and they would show it which i don't i mean it was years ago i don't i don't remember but i've it just is always bugging so let's not talk about this one yeah okay fantastic

no no no you can talk about i just can't remember what what yeah they're all gross they also have that wasn't they didn't they have the website's GoDaddy. I can't imagine it's like great. For sure. Didn't they have the particularly viral commercial that was like a supermodel making out with like a fat teenager? Oh my god. Like a boy with like rosacea. You know what I'm talking about?

Oh god. I'm going to cry. See? No! Abby said let's not talk about it. I said no actually let's. Caleb said this podcast actually is about Unpacking trauma No no I think that's important and yeah Like they're just it's garbage and I think Oh god we could talk

All like Caleb we could talk All day about that shit About how fat people are portrayed in media And shit I mean and honestly I think everybody coming to a comedy podcast would love to be on that one, Mike. Yeah, yeah. Everyone comes into this one.

We have a very funny person on, and we're like, today we're going to talk about fat phobia and sexism. And not in a fun way, by the way. It's totally fun. We're going to do this in a dark way. Yeah, exactly right. What fun way is there to do it?

Okay, no, moving okay no moving on moving on you know what we need we need for our ads and for abby to get um abby's currently sobbing so let's take a break for oh okay welcome back welcome bark welcome bark What the hell? What's wrong with you? We cannot. We cannot do this to Abby. We have to. Abby. We have to.

Can I just say. Say it. Caleb, say it with me. Welcome Bark. Welcome Bark. Abby, I'm so embarrassed. Why? We.

Because we. Our followers have bullied us into doing something. We chose it. And it's not good. It's not good. We have to say welcome bark every time and then we ask our guest if they would like if they want to do like a bark for us like if they want to absolutely not

okay that is 100% correct. Oh, fuck. That's a hard pass. You know what? No problem. No problem. No problem. no problem no problem no problem the exact response we deserve every week and finally someone's brave enough someone is brave enough i mean when i would like if you know like improvise me which is like i think the best thing in the world. I was like, hey, you know, y'all, I don't play animals and I don't play inanimate objects.

And I'm just like, when people start like fucking going around like a cat, I just want to murder myself. Now we're in Ocean Wave. I mean, fuck that. So like, yeah, I'm not fucking barking. This plate's now a hat. I swear to God. Abby loves organic openings rarely have i seen something like that like yeah that that really was like oh that is such a

beautiful way to pull it all together no that's a way to make sure that when I had to do it, I was like, oh, fuck. I always had to be the second to last one because I couldn't be the last one because that person had to ring it. I'd just go... Yeah, you'd have to do something. If you waited long enough, you ended up having to be like, we are

an ice cream machine. And ice cream is sweet like friendship. See, already, you nailed it i i would have been like i mean like oh fuck it i hate that shit and i both had to do the pool um and in the pool they almost really that's almost the whole point oh yeah oh yeah the pool is not to embarrass yourself acting like a robot i mean the point of the pool is to learn how to do an organic opening and this is for nothing else well i mean and also of the pool is to learn how to do an organic opening for nothing else. Well, I mean, and also like the thing is like I

never taught improv or coach or directed because my brain doesn't work like that. And also I'm like, fuck, I mean, in the fact that you asked me to do something, I said, no, that's kind of how I improvise. Sometimes like people are like, it's about yes and I'm like, you know, I think I miss those years. I always I got it. of training. I always missed that.

I got a note in rehearsal once years ago, and our coach was like, and then Abby, try saying yes. I was like, no, no. No, that's not for me. I'm the worst. I'm a horrible, horrible person and improvise, whatever, blah, blah, blah.

No. So, okay. So, no, I won't. I think not just an improv but a i feel like in like art generally or or comedy or whatever it is such a powerful place to get to where you stop being scared of getting notes and start feeling empowered to be like oh no i'm not doing that thank you though yeah and also like of course i did but i it's just in my brain like and also i love getting notes like i love it i just think that like but you have to know what to keep and what to send away i think that's the whole thing right like i'm addicted

to feedback yeah absolutely yeah but it's like the idea of being like oh some of that is valuable and some of it is an opinion and i get to say i don't agree with it take what you need right and it really and in that thing i was like yeah yeah i was really yeah so especially in improv oh yeah well yeah it's like if it's a math equation and you're giving me feedback It's probably pretty definitive but in improv And I think also like if you have like If you go through like one like school of improv And you have what six teachers and they're all

Bringing different stuff they're not like you can't like All those six people's lessons Can't coexist in like one way to Improvise because they I mean maybe They can oh she said something and I'm going to come at me, bros. I don't fucking care. But like, you know, like there's all these different ways to do it. I take what you need, but also I, of course I took the note and tried to say yes, but it didn't stick. Okay. It didn't stick. I'm a, I'm a no girl. I'm a no girl in my

soul. Me and the girlies like to say no every once in a while yes i i did like i was like tried to quit like yeah i tried to quit smoking didn't didn't take all right wait abby what did you what did you try for smoking did you do like the gum and shit the patches and stuff oh no i because i i mean this is i i smoke when i when i drink so it's very behavioral yeah yeah so like i was just i i was was just home for like at my sister's home for like five nights and I had five cigarettes total. Like I smoked, you know, so it's not it's not like it's definitely not. It's not a patch or a gum situation. It's not.

It's just it's a very like behavioral like, oh, these things go together and like whatever. So years ago, my friend friend and i it's now part of howard brown but it was called the l it was called lccp the lesbian community cancer project had to stop smoking thing and stopping a smoking cessation program so we went like for like 10 weeks and stuff and like i was like oh yeah yeah and then yeah i am not i'm not very strong i had a friend tell me yesterday that her doctor told her, she smokes a lot of cigarettes, and she told me her doctor said,

I'm fine with it as long as you stop by the time you're 30. And I was like, as a doctor, I don't know if that's how, like you can't just smoke as many cigarettes as you want until you're 30. And I don't think it works that way. Right. And also, and I think I was like was like oh my god that was 23 years who's not 30 yeah but wait who's not 30 wait a second no no i just meant like oh i missed that boat i mean it's just ridiculous and i remember like and i never lie about like my like i remember i just i went in for a checkup and i had to see my doctor for because like once ob, I got kicked out of like this one insurance thing.

And so I finally made able to go back to see her. And she's like, you don't smoke, right? I'm like, no, no, I do. And she's like, oh, you don't you don't smell like it. I was like, well, I only smoke like if I'm, you know, at night every once in a while. Yeah. But I don't know. Smoking's bad.

Don't do it, kids or adults. My mom smokes. She didn't used to. She did before she had kids. And then she didn't until she went through a divorce. And then she really hit the cigarettes back again. Yeah. And now she's been quitting for like eight years.

Like she's been quitting forever, which is fine. But what's funny about her now is that she'll always go, I'm going to go outside and make a call. And I always think she's going to smoke a cigarette. She comes back reeking. I'm like like yeah babe i know what you're doing you can just say but like at this point at this point in time go ahead and admit it i mean it's not you're smoking for a decade come on oh that's so sweet she doesn't want you to think differently over yeah she goes i'm just gonna sit on the balcony for a minute i'm like yeah for about five minutes okay if you hear me coughing really hard it's probably

just because of pollen when i come in smelling explicitly like a construction site don't ask questions also yeah i don't know i was gonna say some dumb joke you know what just forget it something about construction sites it was gonna be an approach i'm a loser okay what else what's next in a purse what else? What's next? In a purse. What is next? What's next on your record? We actually have to ask you what? No, we need to ask what to delete.

Yeah, we have to ask you. I'm sorry, time. Okay. What is something so embarrassing that you think it should be deleted from all of humanity altogether? And before you answer, Abby, we have to say it doesn't have to be the big stuff. The war, famine, sexism genocide homophobia yeah genocide you're big on we know you love genocide so what would you delete well this comes you know what like drives me to the fucking brink is when um uh parents or guardians of uh newborns feel the need to put fucking ribbons and bows on their little

identified as girls heads because God forbid that somebody doesn't know it's a little girl and like it drives me to the fucking brink and like what is that about? well it's about fear it's about the gender binary

it's like no girls are this and boys are that. And how dare you call my little baby? Like, it's like, it's so outrageously. And I don't like, I mean, it's probably supposed to be a funny part, but it's just like, are you? It is enraging. And it's funny because, like, I have an ex who I'm very, I love her. And she has twins. And I remember seeing a picture of her twins.

I'm like, they had the bows on. I'm like, come on, bows on. I'm like, come on, girl. So like, not someone I trust. Yeah. Somebody like people that I love and trust have done it.

Like, you know, so it's not like this again, you can't paint everybody with a brush, but I just think it's harmful. I think it's like, it's starting that shit early and you're just, we're,

we're continuing that. So again, a really fun thing. It literally serves zero purpose That's the other thing It's gotta kind of hurt They always have that Rubber hair band

Anytime I've ever looked it up it's like the same one they use on dogs Okay And it hurts See the thing is it does do a purpose It identifies their baby As a female On their birth certificate. That's a purpose. They're doing something.

It does no purpose of, like, say, like, you know, of warmth or, like, protection of the baby. It has no productive. It's not like. Correct. It's not. It's not like if you had twins and you dressed them differently. Right, right. Correct.

Like if you stitched their name on it or something. Yes, yes, yes. It just serves this, like, weird. Yeah, you stitch a name in their scalp something yes it's like it just serves this like weird yeah you stitch your name in their scalp you don't do that to babies well i twins that wear the same outfit but in different colors is actually um that's going on my records i think that's so funny i was gonna say i was like oh i think yeah you know what i would add it's so cute it's so funny i would add an addition to abby's deletion that is um okay welcome oh welcome caleb make it your own i i feel like my i my aunt when she had her kids she told me something that i

thought was so crazy which is that she she had two boys and both times people that they were not even close with got gave them like really impassioned speeches about whether or not they should do circumcision and i thought that the asking if you're, someone's going to circumcise their kid and giving like your impassioned opinion, having an impassioned opinion on it, that any of that I just thought was so truly bonkers and weirdo vibes. I would get rid of that.

All that shit is so bizarre. And that happened. Like there was a big movement of like, what was it? 10 years ago about stopping the stopping circumcision and how it's tortured for kids i just remember that was like a big thing i think it's really easy to like have judgment about other other people who have kids and like i will never have kids never wanted them and um love love my nephews god bless but like to be an aunt um yeah so like uh so yeah i i just think like even saying that like I don't know your life

but can you not harm you're not only harming the kid you're fucking harming society and that's the way we do it here on keeping records harming society with Abby Mcnaney that's it harming society is the thread what a fucking pedantic bitch I am

Caleb and I might have kids together one day we've talked about it we've talked about it What a fucking pedantic bitch I am. Caleb and I might have kids together one day. Oh my God, that'd be so amazing. We've talked about it. That'd be amazing. Those kids would be fucked up. Really a lot of mental illness, but it would be good. I know. I mean, hey, yeah.

A lot of mental illness. It's sort of an experiment with science and then the chemicals that go on in one's brain. Hey, hey, like you'll do it the right way. Hey, hey, ho, ho. Two wrongs make a right is how I always end. And so we might we might have like a perfect kid hey hey ho ho these neurotypical kids have got to go to go we need some mentally ill children

i was doing neuro neurotypical kids they're so boring i'm a neurotypical kids. They're so boring. I'm a neurotypical kid. What if I was neurotypical? That would be very funny if I had no mental illness. I know. Wouldn't we all laugh at that? Yeah, what would I talk about? Oh, God. Okay, no, no, no.

We can't go down that throat. We have to know. I know, and also, God bless all kids. I almost said free clap for the girlie's mental illness. Free clap for mental illness. I mean, what god bless god bless what would you put on your records next um i would put on um advil thank god yes okay tell us about your advil journey because i'm i'm with you on this i mean i just i got like once i discovered i was like oh yeah there's not much to talk about. It's brilliant. One thing I did, you've got to have something in your stomach. It can eat away the lining in your stomach

that can lead to ulcers later in life. So y'all out there, have a little yogurt or put something in your stomach that will take up some of that stuff. But yeah, Advil rules. Advil does rock. It saved me several times. And like, gosh, menstrual cramps, like they sometimes they just are like kill you. And if you get the Advil in early enough, your day isn't ruined. Shelby and I have differing opinions on Advil actually in our household, Abby. I am somebody who the instant I feel like if I went to the gym and my shoulders hurt or if I have a headache or anything, I'm like, Advil, baby, right away. We're nipping it in the bud.

I'm Caleb. You are me in this situation. And Shelby, I will go into her room and she'll be like splayed out, like looking like a sick Victorian child, sort of back of the hand to her forehead going, oh, no. And I'll go, what's wrong? And she'll go, I just have such a headache. And I'll say, have you taken literally anything or drunk some water? And she'll be like, no, no, no. I'm scared.

Like she will not take. I'll take water. I'll take water. I'll take water. You will not take ibuprofen, Advil, anything. I mean, I respect people's like choices of what they put In your body so I respect that It's not that I'll never take it I take it

I just wait till it's Really bad And I try and Not take it If I can beat this on my own What for? Wow I mean good on ya I don't think i need to be commended for it i think it's

ultimately probably a bad thing but i do it i don't think it's a bad thing i think you know everybody does their own thing i think that's great do do do you do you baby to be in shelby's camp a little bit on that i will say that i am very scared of like when the when the when the dentist or like i had knee surgery in high school they gave me those stronger pain things i refuse i don't take that shit those are really and the opposite for me is i will really go go pedal to the metal on that oh interesting yeah i mean those those i know it's very sweet it's because when a doctor says this is good take it i'm like sure yeah i'm i'm terrified of those hard narcotics and like and i am i fucking uh pain is like oh i really hate pain wow i hate pain actually but like but like

something unique about me yeah those narcotics are terrifying and and uh yeah they really are when i had i had knee surgery when i was i 16, and I was so scared of them then. And my mom is a nurse, and she was like, honey, if you only take what they tell you to for the amount of time you need to. And I was like, no, I'm not doing it. I literally, and I'm still that scared of all those hydrocodone and all those things they fight with. Oh, yeah. Yeah, makes sense. I mean, I will take them, but very rare.

Abby's like, I buy them on the street. I don't know what you're talking about. I know. I bought some on the CTA the other day. I'll do it again. I don't care. I love it. Can't get enough.

I sell them too. Yeah. I get up. I mean, what is next on your records? Well, I have two left. One is I did write nephews and I was like, not that nieces are gender non-binary children or siblings aren't great. I just don't have any, but like my nephews and i and then i was like not that nieces are gender non-binary children or siblings aren't great i just don't have any but like my nephews rule so i would say i mean i would just say uh

relationships with like kids that aren't your own are pretty special yeah what are your nephews like oh they're all well but also i did also i kind of misunderstood i thought like i don't want to send my nephews up there no you can send the concept of the idea okay cool yeah yeah you get to keep on why do i have to write yeah so i have i have two nephews uh and um they're very different and one's about michael uh and then uh one's liam and uh i don't they're michael just graduated from college this past weekend that's why shout out michael and uh he's fantastic. I mean, and like, he moved out to San Francisco, is working in PR

at an internship. It's hilarious. And then my younger nephew, Liam, turns 21 in December. As a family, we're going to Vegas, and it's hilarious. That's gonna be so chaotic it's so

funny and like liam is uh he is just a riot he's a riot so like um i don't know i feel really lucky like to have them and i i don't know and and my friend as tim sniffin who uh is one of the funniest people on the planet and he's a he's a punch-up writer on both seasons of the show. And he's so quick, and he can really dig into me. He can be really mean. It's so funny. But I'll be like, so my nephew's like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had nephews.

It's like, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I didn't know. You never mentioned it. You never mentioned it. It's never come up. It's never come up. we would love to hear about it more yeah yeah totally so yeah so they roll that's awesome caleb and i both have nephews i also have a niece or no yours are little cousins huh they're little cousins yeah but same i consider them your nephews yeah it's so great we're running out of time so I want to get your last one hard. Oh, yes.

So let's hear the last item you want to include on the record. Yes. Well, it's funny because the thing about the Golden Record with Jimmy Carter. And Jimmy Carter, I love Jimmy Carter so much. Yes, we do too. Yeah. And at Second City, I was doing a show. And a lot of times, you know when you have to, like, teach how to give suggestions?

And so my thing was, like, who's your favorite president? And then people would yell out, you know, and then I'm like, you're all wrong. It's Jimmy Carter. I just love Jimmy Carter. I just love. And his post-presidency is just a feat of wonder and amazement. And I think, like, we think very differently, me and Jimmy, about God and religion and that role and stuff. And I know we think differently about a lot of stuff, but he's

a pure, wonderful human being who cares and has made changes like he has made this like really significant. He's done significant work. Caleb and I really cried watching right after this last election. We watchedimmy carter's uh concession speech after he lost his second and we were like this is a man that just deserves it all yeah he's wonderful politics okay i here's what i will say about and i don't know if we're going to get back to this place or not um nationally politically but politics aside i feel like everyone has to look at jimmy carter is like 96 hobbling around building houses for habitat for humanity that's what he does with his time and he's yeah has so earned rest and has so earned not yeah and he's still doing it and i think just

as a human being everything else aside you have to look at that and go god good good person yeah good yeah good person yeah he leads with compassion and he had a one of his many books uh he had a book signing up at women and children first shout out great uh shout out women and children first shout out women and children first bookstore uh here in chicago check it out women and children first.com or daughter yeah um and so they had a book signing that was at the at the Swedish Museum down the street. So you wait in line and like, you know, it took forever. And then they were like, he doesn't have time to talk. And all I was just practicing, like I wasn't ready.

I just want to say thank you for thank you for destigmatizing mental illness. I just want to say that. And then you weren't supposed to talk. And then the woman fucking in front of me just was like I was like oh I didn't even get to thank him for destigmatizing like he's just done wonders he's just a compassionate good man

and again I think that is kind of that's interesting Kayla what you said like I mean like politics aside you can still like that was the day where you could like people across different ideologies still found a lot of love and respect and honor each other and i think we know too much now i think we know too much now or just i mean we're so divided it's like people don't have any compassion or

patience anymore like want to learn and everything's one yeah so and everything's available you can't just like tune if you missed it on the news you can watch it again instead of having to you know so it's like people are engaged too much access. I want to say, I want to say that you, Abby made an incredible record, but before we go, I want to make sure,

will you tell everyone I, Oh, I'm going to cry. Oh, I love work in progress so much. I love you so much. Season one was so amazing. We're really excited for season two.

Will you tell everyone about it really quick? Yes. And Caleb returns on season two. That's why I'm crying. I mean. I'm so proud of myself. Yes, you should be. I gave a good performance.

I was telling my friend this morning, I was like, you know, in the writing room this year, like when we got started pre-pandemic, and I was like, oh, yeah, we got to, you know, and what, like, let's see, how can we bring Spencer, that's the name of Caleb's name back and it was really and it worked out. Tell them about the show. Get out of here. Okay, whatever. Okay, yeah. So Work in Progress comes back. We have 10 episodes

this season and we actually premiere on this Sunday on Showtime and it's 10 o'clock Central, PM Central so that's 11 AM. Just tune in sort of anytime in there. Eastern, I don't know. But yeah,

Showtime and then actually the first two, like so on Sunday we're showing episodes one and two and then August 29th we're showing episodes three and four. So we're good. We're starting out of the gate. And you guys better, you guys better you guys better watch this freaking show we're not kidding if you haven't watched season one you have the

rest of uh well this will come out friday so you have all of saturday to really binge season one you are late to the game you don't want to be later you'll see caleb i can't remember what that was last year it was episode four last year and you'll see Caleb this year in episode three. You guys, it really is such a good show. It's so queer and smart and good and really tell your friends too to watch season one and season two because this is how we get to keep

making cool things and Abby, you're the fucking best and we love you. I love you my friend. It's good to see you. Mike, keep it real. Keep copping. Mike Mike keep policing brother bye Shelby Caleb I love you Caleb so much okay bye thank you

bye that was a Hidgum original