Keeping Records - That's Oral by the Way (with Maggie Winters)

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

Comedian Maggie Winters joins Caleb and Shelby for their second video episode, which devolves into chaos after a game of f*ck, marry, kill. Shelby leaves the zoom but eventually returns. Caleb's tennis leg cramps? Back for a special appearance. Also, everybody learns what paramour means.  Eventually they get to Maggie aka Marguerite's Golden Record, which is a blend of visuals and experiences the Aliens will love. On the topic of her Disney past, Caleb and Shelby ask the pointed but necessary question: is Maggie someone who calls Goofy a friend? And stick with us here: Goofy's paws are, more often than not, "up." Is Goofy...a lil freak? Maggie's Artifacts Deep Dish Pizza (Food) Schiller Visions: Hidden Camera Commercials Sketch with Chris Farley (Audio-visual) Her parents surprising her and her brothers with a trip to Disney World in 1992 (Feeling) Going to the movies alone and ordering a big popcorn, drink, and candy and also the movie is good (Multi-sensory Experience) All reality TV ever (Entertainment) When her mom found a fiddlers glove on the ground and used it to hold her wine on St. Patricks Day (Experience) Follow Maggie on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm Contributing music by John Bartmann https://johnbartmann.com See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. On behalf of the people of our planet, I wish you all the best. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello everyone! Hello everyone! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Keeping records heads. It's Caleb and Shelby. It's pushing the boob. It's pushing the boob.

Shelby. Hey, Shelby, for once in your life, why don't you try being honest on this one? How are you doing? You want me to be honest? Shelby, Shelby, for once in your life, tell the full truth. How's everything going for you oh thank you for asking i will lie i must lie in fact um i'm doing the best i've ever been same same good good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

and everyone thinks that. When they talk to me lately, they say she's doing really well. We're both, I've noticed, doing a 4 p.m. coffee, if that's any indication for anyone. I'll say that's not an everyday flavor for the girls, but 4 p.m. coffee is what we're doing today. But for everyone who's wondering, 4 p.m. coffee, is she unhealthy? This is a chaser to my 3 p.m. green smoothie. So, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Shelby. Oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, fuck, Angelo. No, I actually don't know why I did that because I actually hate when we do that. It makes me sick to my stomach. Angelo. Shelby, no, that because I actually hate when we do that. It makes me sick to my stomach. Angelo. Shelby, no, please.

Do you remember when we – now I'm scared to say no to that because of the two people who always say that I'm bullying you on the podcast. You're allowed to say no to me screaming for Angelo, our cat-obsessed maintenance man at our old apartment. Thank you for your permission ma'am um do you remember when we lived together rest in peace and i tried to uh drink celery juice every morning and i almost threw up in the sink every time caleb bought a specific celery juice too that i will say tasted worse than anything i've ever had in my life i think you could have do you think it was just the kind no no no i've had celery juice from many a juice shop. I've tried it.

My cousin's really into it. Bleep that. No freak out for the girlies. But I do have to. She's made me try it like a lot of times. She's really, really big on it. And every time it tastes like shit. Every time it triggers a gag reflex in a way that you can't possibly imagine. I want to get someone that I know is big on celery juice and big on this kind of stuff.

I want to get our guest in here because I know that they are going to have, I know that they are going to, they are going to pop off on this topic, ladies and gents and everybody in between and beyond. Our guest today, shall we? Go ahead. Tell them who our guest is. Our guest today was one of Time Out ahead. Tell them who our guest is. Our guest today was one of Time Out Chicago's Women of the Year in 2021. You're kidding me? Look, look, look, folks.

You know her from Twitter. You know her from TikTok. You know her from Vulture and BuzzFeed. Okay? I can't lie to you. Okay. Maybe you saw her open it for Megan Stoltz or Colin Jost, maybe. She opened for Megan Stoltz or Colin Jost. maybe. She opened for Megan Stalter or Colin Jost. You can check out her stuff online. She's one of

our good friends from Chicago. Give it up. Put your hands together for Maggie Winters! Okay. No, no, no, no, no. I'm deleting my bio after that one. When someone sends your bio to you... No, that was good.

No. it was huge yeah hi Shelby hi Caleb thank you for having me fuck marry kill Maggie fuck marry kill me Shelby and Katie are producer okay

no yeah I'll do it I'm not scared if you kill Katie I swear to God no I'm not scared. If you kill Katie, I swear to God. No, I'm going to marry Katie. Let me know where. No! Oh, God, okay. One of you is going to die.

Yeah, that's what we've learned with the first marriage. Well, I'm going to... Hmm. You've got to admit, we would have something special in the bedroom. You've got to admit, Marguerite. You know what? I think he'll be okay. We would have something special in the bedroom. You got to admit, Marguerite. You know what? Caleb, before it, you're going to die, Shell, because you didn't flirt with me, and he just flirted with you. Peggy, I'm constantly flirting with you.

Peggy! I win. When I did run of show, when I did run of show, was there not a flirtation? I'm going to lay it down in the bedroom. I'm going to lay it down when we get in the bedroom oh my lord okay shall we left the podcast yeah no i'm dead oh why are you done the real taylor can't come to the phone right now why she's she's dead the real thing she's dead right right now. Why? She's dead. She's dead.

Why? She's dead. She's dead. She's dead. You know what? I'll always do it. She's daddy. You don't get to have a she's daddy. You've chosen a male platonic partner.

I think men are the ones. There's nothing platonic about what i do in the bedrooms okay now i'm terrified and i want to switch no you're locked in baby girl i'm scared you're locked in little mama you're locked into the deal you signed it little maggie maggie how are you little mama oh god little mama is not doing so hot. Thank you for being honest. Yeah, that was brave. I saw bravery in that. It is 6 p.m. where I am, but I did have a 4 p.m. coffee when it was 4 p.m. I'm actually in the future. And, okay, they both chugged at the same time.

Yeah, when you hear coffee for me, when I hear coffee, I have to take a sippy. I got a chuggy it's chug time when i when i hear coffee i have to take a sippy or a chuggy okay i love the vibe yeah you got to take a sippy sippy i love the energy um i just got a package from the company which was really cool i actually have to commend you i have to to commend you on getting an online order from *** because their website stresses me out so much that I can't participate in that kind of behavior. And I don't want to...

This is a full brag. This is the company *** sent me a package. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, PR. Wait, no, that's paid clout. Can we keep that in? Oh, yeah. Can you delete that?

Well, we didn't get paid, so I think we have to bleep it. Oh, you can. No rules against what you can say. Bleep. Send me a package. Send me a package. I actually prefer that. I got a package from bleep.

Good, because that's what's going to happen. What did they send you? Because no free clout for the girlies. Girlies. Girlies. Maggie, did they send you, like um let me guess what they sent you they sent you um they sent you cough drops they sent you anal thermometers and they sent you and they sent you pedialyte no caleb incorrect they sent those on the first month of pandemic. That was their package.

Okay. What'd you get now? So what is it now? Now it's a branded tee, a branded hat, and a shirt that says vaccinated. Yes, exactly. Do you really want to know? Yeah, big time. I made a stupid video about calling and I was telling them. It's like I sent them, whatever. the video is about me describing a salad they sent me ingredients to make a salad

oh my god they're desperate brands are desperate I'm so grateful but I was also like I am out of olive oil so it was a huge day for me to get free olive oil. Brands are desperate right now. The way that brands are behaving is so insane. Literally, all you have to do is mention them in a video, and they're commenting, like, we love you, bitch. It's like, can you guys go back to your caves? What is going on? You can mention them and be like, I wish that.

You could just be like, I wish they would fall, you know, die. And they'd be like, yes, we would love to die for you. And you're like, sad, sad, sad. Hey, at Saggy Spinders, can we get your address? Yes, gir yes we would love to die for you and you're like sad sad sad hey at saggy spinters can we get your address you are to die for bitch can we get that address and i'm like a brand is asking for my address and i'm fully like here it is i'm like this they could kill me they won't they could send enfor crazy how much power a social media intern really wields. Because they have the address to everyone. Everybody.

Everyone. I will say, of all brand packages, whatever, getting one that's actually practical is nice. Because sometimes they'll be sending some like margarita glass like a show title on it that you're like when would i use like when would i have like people over and have a margarita and be like yeah and it has like i don't i can't think oh sorry i'm cutting out um the best thing i ever got in a pr package was fully a pair of um i i uh airpods airpods that was crazy he got those from believe this and um that is huge that is like yeah he didn't notice them and i did and i almost i told him like a fool i told him about it like a fool we tried to steal them.

He would have never known. Shelby tried to steal them. You should have. Shelby, that was your moment. I never tried. I literally said, oh my God, they sent you AirPods? Like a fool. A smart person.

I was going to throw it out with the box. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're very smart. Someone smarter than me. Shelby, you're very smart. No, it's not smart. You're very smart and kind.

Shelby, you're very smart and kind. You you're very smart and kind you have a great personality anyone would be lucky to hang out with you trying to get different responses maggie according to like two to three of our listeners, Shelby gets bullied on this podcast. Now, I don't think that's true. I think I have a sharp wit and I think I have a quick tongue. I think Shelby gives as good as she gets. In all seriousness, Caleb, not quick tongue. Okay?

I have a quick tongue both in my wit and in the bedroom i'm not afraid to whip this tongue around i'm scared i'll whip this tongue around and do just about anything with it that's that's oral by the way that's's oral in my opinion. Maggie. Oh, yes, please. Sorry, I'm getting choked up. I'm going to start crying. No, no, no, no, no. Please, Caleb. We talked about this. Maggie, close yours for a second.

Caleb, we talked about this. Caleb, we talked about this. I know you get emotional. You're getting me emotional now as well. No, to get through this okay i just get excited to talk to my friends about what they would put on their record because it's like at the end of the day like this is like who they are and like maggie i know is going to share some stuff with us that's like actually really special i know well i'm gonna have maggie take her ears again, okay? And then you can ask her, okay? Maggie, I'm not even crying at all. I'm being really strong.

I'm wondering, could you tell us what you would put on your golden record if we sent a new one into space for you? First of all, so proud of you. I see your strength. I'm recognizing your strength. And Shelby, I see your strength and your hair. Your hair is beautiful. Okay. Well, she wouldn't do it with me, I see your strength and your hair. Your hair is beautiful. Okay. Oh, well, she wouldn't do it with me, so I had to try with her.

I tried. Yeah, okay, whatever. rejected me for marriage. I'm already married. Why am I always trying to force, I'm always trying to force like a sexual chemistry

on the pod. I'm always like, I'm constantly being like, who wants to hook up with who? And that's something to ask your therapist about. What's funny about that though is that Caleb does that Caleb I'm not in therapy honey I'm strong

put that on the wall okay Caleb will sit here and be like god why do I force this sexual energy I'm always doing this and then someone will be like Shelby and Caleb have sexual chemistry on the pod and he'll be like nobody thinks i'm gay everybody thinks i'm straight famously once in chicago i was hanging out with caleb and my friend took her told his wife he said um does maggie ever crush on that guy caleb because i think he's gay and i was like he thought that i didn't know that caleb was gay and that I was going after him. Hunting me. Hunting me. Maggie was on the hunt.

Looking for a buck. Oh, God. Speaking of Chicago. Hey, what? I was going to say, Caleb, do you want to ask the question again? Do you want to find the straight line? No, Maggie knows. Maggie's transitioning say, Caleb, do you want to ask the question again? Do you want to find the strength? No, Maggie knows. Maggie's transitioning like a pro. Thank you so much.

I am going to go. I'm just going to go with something insane off the bat, and that is deep dish pizza. Because. Oh, my God. God. It's Chicago. It's psychotic. It's a good food, but it's also will put you into a coma.

And I think aliens would look at us and be like, what the fuck's going on? But they would take a bite and say, oh, I get it. 100%. I feel like. You guys are pissed. You guys are really mad at me. Shelby and I are both bleeding from the ears. We're so upset.

I was going to say, I defer to you, Shelby, my queen. What do you have to say? That's what you was going to say I defer to you, Shelby. My queen, what do you have to say? That's what you were going to say? I was going to say, Shelby, over to you, my queen. What would you like to ask? My thing is I, and I'm not saying deep dish pizza is not pizza, so I don't want to get into that

because that's not what I'm saying. I would never get into that, yeah. I think an alien would be confused that we consider those two things the same. It's similar ingredients, but so is lasagna. You know? But that's what's fun about it. When people say the lasagna thing, though,

there's no noodles in that. No, no, no. Not what I'm saying. Shelby! I'm saying similar to how pizza has the same ingredients of lasagna oh deep dish has the same ingredients as pizza but deep dish and pizza are different entities to me yes they are they're absolutely different and that i think that's like has anybody sent regular pizza yet i don't think so right i don't think so nobody's been brave enough no one's been brave enough and they'll get this. And then I would love if they got both and they were kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They needed more. So they invented this one. And I just think it's like, it's just a fun, I just, I'm always in the mood to defend deep dish pizza even though tavern style pizza is my go-to. Well, that's because you know your brand and you know your brand and you know where the argument is and there's nothing there's nothing interesting about saying my favorite thing is tavern pizza because it's not going to meet any conflict and conflict is where the brand is and thank you well i do have a question and that is describe to me what tavern style pizza is also referred to as party pizza oh before you do that i have to know sorry

maggie i just really don't want to lose this one babe what chicago deep dish are you sending uh i'm sending lumel nadis thank you thank you okay explain tavern to shelby um were you nervous i was gonna say like giordano's or something yeah i really was no no no no we're going loose. Even though Luminati's just went whatever. Tavern style is the squares. It's also called party pizza. It's cut into squares.

Isn't that also called Detroit style pizza? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The Detroit. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, honey, honey, honey, you wish. Sweetie, Detroit-style pizza is thick crust. Thick, honey. Thick and...

You're right about the squares, but it's thick, thick, thick. It's like bready and a little burnt on the crust. Thin, thin-style squares is Tavern. And it's called Tavern because they used to serve it in bars for free to get people to go there, and then the people would drink and then they only cut into squares because they're like, we can't do full slices. We're trying, you know, what are we, made of money?

Wow. What are we, rich? Come on! What are we? Come on! What are we, the Pritzkers? Okay. Come on! Now... I wish. I fucking wish. Honey, honey, I would do anything. JB, hit me up, daddy. JB, JB, slide into the DMs, big dog.

I'll throw it back for JB. I don't care. Whatever it takes. Honey, I'll throw it back. I'll let JB hit it raw so I can get pregnant. Once I'm pregnant, I'm in. I'm, like like on your level and then you just take the back.

I gotta go. I gotta actually get off. Was it when I said that I would let JB Pritzker hit it raw so I could get pregnant? Was that when you said it's... Okay, just want to make sure. That is the exact moment. It's good to know.

Shelby, you're vomiting. I hate this podcast. I hate this podcast please please i don't like it here shelby you wouldn't let jb pritzker hit it raw just in case i wouldn't let jb pritzker kiss me on the forehead that's not a billionaire mindset bitch that's the difference between me and you i'm always thinking about my money i would let jb hit it i don't no not for me but i really do love that for you i think everyone who wants to fuck jb brits care good for them good for jb you have to pick one illinois politician to let yes let hit it raw who are you gonna pick who are you gonna pick i have to pick what one politician illinois an illinois politician to let hit it raw. Who are you going to pick? Who are you going to pick?

I have to pick what one politician? Illinois. An Illinois politician to let hit it raw. And it can't be Abe Lincoln because that's too dumb. The problem for you guys is that I don't know enough of them to choose. I know about two. All right. Tammy Duckworth it is.

You lived in Illinois for what you lived in illinois for what four or five years yeah but they you know they changed there was an election since i they changed all the ones i knew have changed by now so it was it was i will say it was unfair when i took Lincoln off. That wasn't cool. Yeah, yeah. Oh, but he's not an Illinois politician anymore. That's what I'm saying. No, he is. He always will be in our hearts.

No. In Springfield, Illinois. He lives on there. He lives on in our hearts as our first gay president. Yes. Absolutely. He was gay. He was gay. No one talks about that. He was gay. He was gay. one talks about that he was gay he was gay you

talk about it almost every single day i have to i have to make up for the fact that no one else talking about it the big hat one of the gayest things i've ever seen getting shot in the head he had sex with men that was gay getting shot in the head that actually i would say the sex with men is the straightest thing he was doing in office. Really? Oh. Yeah. Oh. Never thought about it that way.

That's a thinker. I'm thinking. Yeah, I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Everything else was just a little bit gay or had a little bit more of an undertone. The sex with men was so on the nose that it was straight. Do you know what I mean? You're right.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Actually, you're right. Yeah. The outward performance of that is very heteroero yeah it was like okay maggie one time my um my adult cousin and her teen daughter came to visit me in chicago and they had me they were not there to visit me they were there to like shop or something and they're like can we stay with you in your living room i was like yeah so i carried a huge air mattress from my friend Claire McDonald's house. Shout out Claire.

Free clout for the girlies. Shout out Claire. I carried a huge air mattress from her place on Addison to my place on Southport. And sweating hot Chicago summer. And set the whole thing up. And then they were like, we want to take you to Lou Malnati's as a trip. And I was like, okay. So take you to Lou Malnati's as a trip. And I was like, okay. So we went to Lou Malnati's.

And they ordered like six things. And I got one thing. And then at the end she was like, yeah, I think we'll just split the bill. Two ways. What? Yeah. She stayed on my living room floor for four days. And then asked me to split the bill.

We'll take you to Lou Malnati's and you will pay for what you eat. I was like, you are outside of your fucking mind. Yeah, that's nuts. I got to call her woman because she was behaving weirdly. Yeah. When someone's acting weird, they're a woman. Yeah, I'm like, you're being a woman. Women are the only people i respect um yeah and then i paid i paid half the bill and that was my probably my most recent

experience with deep dish um that is insane and i'm i i want to apologize on behalf of women for that one. Yeah, I do also. And cousins. Someone needs to apologize on behalf of cousins. And cousins, actually. My last experience with Deep Dish, sorry, Shelby. I just cut you off so hard. I'm so sorry. Well, I just had a question that was a follow-up from something you sort of started at and then stopped, and we're all still kind of

wondering. Yeah. You were like Luminatis, even though it's... And then sort of moved on oh they just went like national whatever they just went like they just went corporate basically oh my god and how did that affect you and even your family well my dad's concerned it's going to change the recipe so and that's a family concern my family wait isn't that a um there's an ad i think it's a family concern. My family. Wait, isn't that a. There's an ad. I think it's a Postmates ad or like a crop up where they're like, it's like some guy being like, you love your mom's short ribs.

It's like it's like. But if everyone got to try your mom's short ribs, she would start to franchise and then it would lose its luster or whatever. And then it's like, that's why. And then he just it's like Instacart or something. Do you guys know the i need to know what the end of the ad is shall we just give her the get the shall we do that setting the scene okay it's this guy he's sitting there on his couch and he's like and then it's a voiceover he's is he hot slightly above average looking but i wouldn't say he's like it wasn't like it wasn't like yeah it was just kind of like huh it's someone that caleb if we were at dinner and maggie if

you were also at dinner caleb would maybe look at me after and go maybe okay yeah okay i know Maybe. Okay. Yeah, okay. I know what he looks like. Yeah. And he said, it's the voiceover is like, you're craving your mom's short ribs. And then it's like, nobody makes short ribs like your mom. And everyone should try your mom's short ribs. But if everyone tried your mom's short ribs, she would start a restaurant. And then it would be so successful that they would franchise. And then it would be made by a factory. And then it's like a factory line of her short ribs she would start a restaurant and then it would be so successful that they would franchise and then and then it would be start be made by a factory and then it's like a factory line of her short ribs and then it's like her face has like a logo and then it instead is like but nobody will make them like your mom and then he shows up to his mom's house with a bag of

groceries with for the short ribs oh okay so it's like you should just have your... Yeah. I'm kind of... I'm like, first of all, how can there be short ribs? I want to try them. Well, that's kind of the point. But what I'm saying is that's kind of your dad's fear about Lou Malnati's. That's my dad's fear about Lou Malnati's.

And rest in peace, Rudy Malnati just died, if you guys don't know that. He was a brother of Lou Malnati, and he started Rudy's. My family has deep dish pizza every year for Christmas Eve, and that's the thing about us. And one time my coworker found that out and said, your family's trash. Oh, my God. I said, oh, my God. I laughed so hard. I was like, okay.

She was like, I mean, I just hate deep dish. You did just say my family was trash. How long did you work with that co-worker before that? I mean, probably like two years. Did you get her fired? There was a comfort there.

No, she just got promoted. Oh my God. We live in such a twisted society. People like that get ahead. People like that get ahead. It makes me sick to my fucking core. If I could, she could insult my friend and then get ahead. It makes me sick. Off the rails.

No, no. Yeah. No, she can't get away with that i'm gonna do something no hey i'm gonna do something what do you think maggie two weeks from now yes be be in a crowded place with a lot of witnesses you i want you i want, because you have probable cause, be somewhere where people can see you. Make some noise.

Oh, my God. Okay. Go to a bar. Go to a Cubs game. Get on the Jumbotron. I'll go to a bar. Go to a Cubs game. The Cubs are playing.

The Cubs are playing. Go to a Cubs game. The Cubs are playing. Go to a Cubs game. Get on the Jumbo. Wouldn't it be caught dead at a Cubs game? The Cubs are playing. Go to a Cubs game. Get on the jumbo. Wouldn't it be caught dead at a Cubs game? Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, go to the Sox.

Go to the Sox. Yeah, what was I even thinking? Thank you. Thank you. Only go to the Cubs game if it's the Crosstown Classic. Classic game. Classico. The Crosstown Classico.

You got to take the train and go to the game if it's the Crosstown Classic. I swear to God. Ew, what you just did with your hand. You got to take the train and go to the Crosstown Classic. It was very Trump. It was very Trump. When I get that much energy, I need this to balance. Huge Trump vibes, and i love it i can't

balance without the hand when i'm going loud when i'm going energy i need the hand to balance i just want our listeners to know this is the second episode in a row where i have um you know gotten so animated during the recording that i've gotten a cramp i. I'm experiencing a second podcast-related cramp. And it's all because I'm trying to play tennis. Thank you. Hell yes. I almost texted you today

and said, do you want to play tennis? Would you have said yes? Shelby, I would always say yes to an opportunity to hang out with you, babe. Sometimes you're busy. Sometimes you're busy.

No, I would cancel anything to be with you, girl. Oh my God, this is beautiful anything to be with you, girl. Oh, my God. This is beautiful. Caleb and Shelby compliment each other. Caleb and Shelby playing tennis. Caleb and Shelby and Maggie play tennis in Malibu soon. Because Maggie might move to L.A.

I just decided right now. If she gets a job. If anybody wants to give her. And if you want me to have a friendship, get Maggie a job. God bless. God bless, seriously. Who makes that sound good now? Who makes that sound good now? Who makes that sound good now?

Should I pick another one? Do you guys know what song I was sincerely trying to sing today? And like, like seeing if I could sing it good. I'm ready to hear. I'm ready to know. Do you guys know that song? That's like, hold on. Oh God.

Here we go. Let's. like hold on oh god here we go let's wait till you see max i wanted to know if i could do hey little mama tell me all the things that you like to hear yep that's what it was okay now tell us what song what song was it for real let's fall in love let's fall in love for the night and forget in the morning you know that one i've never heard that song in my life play me a song that you love you'll be i bet you i know every line go go i'm that boy that your boy wishes you would avoid i'm not warmed up right now but you guys get the idea yeah no no it sounds

amazing um let's all in love oh it's by it's by billy's brother oh it's my brother okay i'll listen to it later listeners if you think you're billy's brother. Oh, it's by Billy's brother. Okay, I'll listen to it later. Sorry, Phineas, you're Billy's brother to me. Listeners, if you think I kind of bodied that, sound off in the comments. Leave an Apple review saying Caleb can kind of sing. Five stars and say Kayla bodied that. Kayla bodied that.

Listeners, if you think I should be blonde or brunette, kind of sound off in the comments. Wait, is that a decision you're making right now, Maggie? Well, I went back blonde and then I was like, should I let my hair grow out back to my natural color? But it's like, it's so annoying. I could see you with a really dark look.

I could see you with a really dark hair look. Like not black, but like a dark auburn. Like a chestnut. Yeah, chestnut even as well. Chestnut even as well. What do you think, Shelby? Chestnut even with a red undertone, if that's okay to say. Yeah, chestnut. Chestnut even as well. Chestnut even as well. What do you think, Shelby? Chestnut even with a red undertone, if that's okay to say.

If even, yeah. Whoa, okay. I love that. I'm going to think about it. Like almost like a maroon. Like not a red. I'm not asking for red. I'm asking for brown with red undertones.

Yes. Cherry. Cherry wood. Okay. Cherry wood. Okay. Okay. And on that note.

Maggie, what's... Yes. No. No what's yes um think for a second just for one second because we have to actually take a break for ads actually let's go to the ads now welcome bark maggie do you want to give us a bark? Oh, I went too soon. That's kind of a howl, actually. Oh, my God. It was beautiful. That dog's been through stuff. Oh, my God.

That's so pretty. Maggie, we were talking just a minute ago. And we were like, wait, if Maggie could delete one thing off the record. If Maggie could delete one thing off the record. I almost wonder what it would be. Yeah. So I think what I'm asking you, and I think just as like a pull away from that conversation that we had just a few minutes ago right if you had to delete something off the records and it didn't

have to be something really big yes right even i got a strong one for this and that is okay people chewing gum and sticking it in places that are not a garbage can oh my god is one of the nastiest things i've ever i went to the movies recently and it was like one with the like the little food table and i like put my hand under and there was just i was like i i felt sick first of all i don't chew gum at all so i think it like i'm anti-gum i'm like full anti-gum but to stick it somewhere you need help you need to be checked into a wellness center immediately there is nothing grosser than like

touching something and then realizing that you're feeling gum like you're like oh and and it is one it's like one of those things where you're just like no it can't be

i got anything else you gotta go wash do you know guys i was at a restaurant the other night and i not to brag and i put my hand under the table on accident like it was just like on top of my leg and it brushed the bottom of the table and the bottom of the table was the bottom of the table was carpeted do you know how scary that is when you don't know what is going on and you just feel so terrified once i went to this made me think of this it's not directly related but when i was young like seven i went to uh niagara falls right around halloween and we went to a haunted house and my aunt had me on her shoulders and because i was scared to walk through by myself and something was hanging something carpeted was hanging from the ceiling and it brushed up on me and knocked

me over onto the ground. You fell off her shoulders. I love that. I was like scared and crying and was so confused by the texture of what had hit me. It was like hairy. It was like shag carpet almost. And I fell to the ground and then was crying because that obviously was scary. And there was just one skeleton that kept following us the whole time. And I was bawling my eyes out, couldn't get a grip.

And I was getting so upset with the skeleton that just kept peeking out behind me. I was like, I'm going through something. And he walked all the way out. Incredible. Unreal, dude. Unexpected carpet is like, no, dog. Unexpected carpet shouldn't exist. I lived in an apartment that had a carpeted bathroom.

No, dog. It's going to be an over-the-dog. No, not on carpeted bathroom. Carpeted bathroom is one of the worst things that could happen um maggie i have a question about a gum thing uh-huh um there's an amusement park that i went to that used to have a gum wall no no on the log flume and when you get to the wall you're supposed to take your gum put it on the wall i feel so sick i have to exit the pod actually so you don't even think so my because my question is that's actually not really inconveniencing anyone it's like a weirdly assigned like a symbol of community convincing

me i'm shivering right now thinking about it i'm shivering in my car they have i just was checking if that would also be they have like the gum wall in Seattle and I'm like if someone ever was like come to the gum wall I'd be like I'm going to jump off a cliff instead. I would go. Do you think it smells? I'm not going to die. I'm just going to hurt. I bet it smells. I bet the gum wall

smells really bad. No like people's saliva. Saliva. good and bad shiver me timbers shiver me timbers the seattle probably smells like people's smells like people's years old lunch no no no no we have to move on or i'll die okay no problem i'll kill myself if we don't move on it is a topic that i picked and i still will

move on bitch i'm gonna kill myself okay okay. What's the next thing on your records? Okay. I really want to get to this one because, well, no, I don't. I like them all, but my parents surprising me with me and my brothers with a trip to Disney World in 1992 because

I'm famously a Disney adult. I'm about to piss Caleb off real bad. I was keeping such a calm composure. I was like, this is her right. You really were. This is her right. I actually love to do this. I love to call myself a Disney adult.

It's just so fun for me. Because I do love Disney World. I don't own a pin. I'm not one of those, but it's just fun to like. Do you own ears? Absolutely, I do. I don't know. I'm not one of those, but like, it's just fun to like, do you own ears? Absolutely. I do. It's so funny because you really are one of the coolest people I know, but you're like,

you're truly your fatal flaws that you so openly are like, I'm a Disney adult, bitch. You own it. So, which is a cool person thing to do, but I'm like, Oh, Maggie. It would be sicker if I hid it, and then one day you were like, you're a Disney doll. It would be sick. Are you someone who considers, what do they call them? Goofy a friend? No, no, no. Yes, but no.

Are you somebody who considers Mickey an old pal? You know how when they work there, they're not employees? I was a cast member. Maggie worked there. I worked there. I worked at Disney World. And you, in earnest, in earnest, would call yourself a cast member there? You have to. What do you mean?

When you left work, when you left the facility. What am I supposed to call myself? I just snotted i work there you say i work there um yeah but i mean you it's like they have all these rules like you're a cast member you're wearing a costume you're on stage you're not at work you're on stage so if you went if you if you went to dinner with a potential paramour, and they said, what do you do? Yeah. What does that mean? What is that? A potential lover.

Never heard that before. You've never heard of the band Paramour? Oh, and after all this time, I'm still into you. Five, six, seven, eight. To the overhang of the summer. I'm into you. I'm into you. Hey, baby, you're on the worst side.

Worst side. No, no. I would say I work at Disney World. Sorry, did that sound good? I'm a cast member. Sorry, shush, shush, shush, shush. Did that sound? No, it sounded horrible. You can't shush, shush shush shush shush maggie she's the guest

no maggie maggie maggie maggie maggie shut the fuck up well am i talented maggie that's my impression of shelby no just kidding shelby I love that you did that. That was so funny. My grandma used to live in Florida, and my parents were like, we're going to go visit grandma, and then a limo showed up. I almost forgot the word,

and they said, we're actually going to Disney World. And I said... Stretch limo or short limo? Regular, sorry. Oh, no was it long longer than a normal car yeah yeah it was a real sometimes i learned this recently sometimes like just a regular lincoln town car will be called a limo and that's disgusting yeah i hate that no a limo to me is long right thank you thank you to me to me a little body Right? Thank you. Thank you for saying that. And that's body positivity.

And that's on body positivity, bitch. A body has to be long, okay? Uh-oh, limo. I don't remember. When it comes to limos, size matters. And never forget it, bitch. Bitch. And bigger is better.

Like Texas. To me, in my personal opinion, a limousine is when somebody sends a black SUV for you to the airport. That, to me, is a limousine. Oh, that's big. That's big. Has that ever happened to you? That's happened. I'm being honest. Yes.

A few times. If someone ever sent a car for me i would love tell me your next trip where am i gonna go tell me your next trip i'll send you a car yes okay this is because caleb no longer wants to pick people up at the airport but he wants to offer he wants to do something nice still but doesn't want to get to LAX. I have very much joined. I have very much joined. Team, please just let me donate money towards your Uber. LAX is an unmitigated fucking nightmare, and I can't do it anymore.

Okay. Hey. Hey. Hey. No. No, guys. I'm. Hey, little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama. Little mama Hey. No. No, guys. I'm. Hey, little mama.

Little mama. Whisper in your ear. Hey, little mama. Hey, little mama. Would you guys think it was hot if I talked like that? Whisper in your ear. Hey, little mama. Would that be hot?

I would think that you were sick physically. What kind of sick? I would think it was like, that would be like a guy who would sit in like a plastic chair in the corner and like he never, no one knows what he does and he just sits there and he's like, hey.

Does he get a lot of ass though? Oh, no, I don't think so. Show me. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think. Hey, little mama. Wait, so, Maggie, back to my question. You're on a date with a potential paramour, and they say.

Paramour? What are you doing? Did you just learn this word or something? I know. I thought of it earlier, and now that you guys don't understand it, I'm going to keep using it. Do you know what I mean? Anyway. You didn't hear me, but I did answer it.

I wouldn't say I'm a cast member. I would say I work at Disney World. Okay, and that is a really big thing for me to hear from you. Thank you for that. But I will say this. There are some people out there that would correct you so fast.

I know. That's why I was asking. I would not be someone who would do that. No, no, no. Maggie, what's your favorite thing to eat at the Disney place at the Disney place at Disney World

yeah a Mickey bar which is just vanilla ice cream with chocolate shaped like Mickey Mouse oh you should try Klondike bar it's not even close it's not close it's not even close don't it's not close no it's not close no it doesn't even have a stick doesn't even have a fucking stick okay i gotta get goo all over my

hand would you also consider that a dove bar is not even close no a dove bar is closer we're getting closer i love ice cream i have an ice cream tattoo okay i'm kind of an ice cream girl it's funny that you were sort of pointing just to a freckle. I have an ice cream tattoo. What's this? Stoky. Delusional. Maggie, please, for the love of God,

what's next on your record? Okay, I have to bring this one up because my mom, so my family has a big St. Patrick's day party every year and my dad we love saint patrick's day but we have mass catholic mass in our backyard psychotic and then we have breakfast and then we party all day and about i think 2018 my mom was drinking wine and it was kind of cold and she picked up a fiddler's glove which is missing like

the two fingers and it was blime green and she used it up a fiddler's glove, which is missing, like, the two fingers. And it was lime green. And she used it to hold her drink. And we all said, what's that glove you're wearing? And she said, I don't know. I found it on the ground. But that's a fiddler's glove. And the photos, I posted this photo once. And Caleb responded, it looks like you're, and my mom's sitting in front of an American flag for some reason.

And he commented, it looks like she's at the insurrection. It really does. And it does. I think if you're wearing a weird glove in front of a flag, yeah, you're there. But I had to believe him. You're at the insurrection. All these people were just, like, blasting my mother. And I was like, I have to believe this because these clowns aren't coming from just that this is the party itself and my mother with that glove i think those pictures would they would they would love they would love it and it's also

like a white woman drinking white wine like classic yeah so is the takeaway for the aliens just like hey i want you guys to enjoy this this is just a gift this is a gift of us celebrating uh saint patrick's day you know a holiday and this is kind of the goofy stuff that happens okay and do you want do you want like a caption to the foot like a yeah you'd have to put a little explanation you'd have to have the photos and then you'd have to have a cat a little caption of it and they'd be like i um yeah i forget that the are the aliens um smart or we don't know yet okay okay oh we hope so but they're brain dead they're brain dead thembos brain dead thembos that that fuck and and and don't know how

to read maggie i've asked this question on the podcast and Caleb gets really upset with me and almost yells at me about it. I'm scared. Would you consider sex with an alien to be bestiality? You can't do that, Shelby. No. Is that the wrong answer? For me, for Caleb, I think he agrees with you.

No, I don't. You think aliens are animals i think they're not human i think bestiality is like you're you're fucking something that's not a person well what else besides animals like what so we have animals aliens and what else well living things that aren't a living thing that isn't human that's bestiality to me and then um i don't remember what it's called when someone like fucks their car but that's different that's different for sure yeah and i think an alien if an alien has like if they're like reading this shit and they're eating deep dish pizza that's not and they're like chatting i mean that's you know i they could have sex with me too okay did okay you're trying to hold me back from the love of my life, Shelby.

No, no, no. I love that for you. I just am sort of collecting data. She's writing my name on a list. Did you guys read that news? There was like an article like, I don't know, maybe I saw it maybe like a couple weeks ago

that was like NASAa just hired um a bunch of like interdisciplinary like faith leaders and spiritual thinkers to advise them on how uh each faith would go about telling people that extraterrestrial extraterrestrial life exists and is real did you guys read this no that's insane what do you mean they like hired i'm i'm i'm like 90 sure i'm not making this up they like hired some um like hold on i'm gonna look it up nasa it was a reductress article i mean i would feel so stupid the okay no this was december 28th 2001 um and it's on the hill just recently 2001 remember that sorry 2021 um nasa used the headline is nasa used religious experts to predict how

humans may react to aliens two dozen theologians were recruited by nasa funded program to assess the societal implications for the agency's astrobiological and search for life efforts so basically like what would happen to society if they found out that aliens were real isn't that nuts that's insane yeah that's kind of scary they're trying to find out how to break it to us. Like divorced parents vibes. Hey. My parents did it weird. Don't let your parents NASA should have hired your parents. Yeah.

My parents did it weird. You should get a sweater that says that. My parents did it weird. And people say what? You just go, divorce. Nothing. Sorry. Maggie Maggie what is next I'm just trying to make sure we hit your stuff yeah yeah my favorite sketch

in the world is the Schiller visions hidden camera commercial with Chris Farley from SNL it makes me cry laugh I it's very simple have you guys seen it? I watched it today in preparation for this very conversation.

It's very much my humor where a television camera show is tricking people by giving them decaf instead of regular coffee and then everyone's kind of like, oh it actually tastes really good and they get to Chris Farley and he he absolutely has a breakdown you son of a bitch you and he flips

the table and he throws pies at all people and i think it's just like i think it's genius it also is something that's funny about it to me also and this is not the joke that they hit that they're getting to but that the hidden camera is saying like did you know this is not the joke that they hit that they're getting to but that the hidden camera is saying like did you know this is decaf crystals it's like if someone gave me decaf when i asked for not decaf i am chris farley on that i am on his side 100 especially what are you talking about what are you talking about you're giving me decaf and i didn't ask coffee you want to prank me about it you want to prank me about it with coffee table i prank me about it? With coffee? I'm sitting at the table. I'm hitting my wife with a pan in the head.

Da Vinci? Coffee prank? Coffee? Da Vinci? Da Vinci? You're going to come into my house with the decaf coffee. This is a Shelby hand. You're going to come into my house.

You're going to tell me that. With the coffee. This is for balance. I cannot be in. Yeah. You're going to come into my house. You're going to tell me that. With the coffee. Again, this is for balance. I cannot stress enough. This hand does so much for me. Nice. When I talk to you. My favorite sketch, though.

Yeah, it is really funny. They also have it as a Swedish one television show, going through what happens on the ones that don't get aired, which is also like a weird choice. That is funny for a Swedish show. Just a weird level. Yeah. Caleb. Hmm.

Caleb. We're going to say something. Reporting. Reporting back. People are lagging for me again. So I'm just like taking stabs in the dark at when I'm supposed to be talking. I'm like, I'm like, I think I heard a pause. Blah.

Um, but no, I, I, uh, I, I actually Maggie something about you is that, um,

when I, uh, if I just watched you perform once and didn't know you, which I guess at one point is what I did before we were friends. Um, I would absolutely be like, that's a Chris Farley fan. Like,

like you, you love a character who just goes like, who goes like, like just like blows up. And it's like, you very much have that same ability to take it to a hundred, but not like freak people out. And that 100% tracks for me.

Thank you so much. That is the nicest thing I've ever said to me. Because also I love physical comedy. I think it's hard as a plus size person because people, oh my God. People will be like,

you know, they're like, you can't just fall if you're plus size. And it's like, sometimes I want to just fall. And I think it's fun. Yeah, I can do whatever I want to.

Thank you. Exactly. I get it. I get it in like, you know, every movie. I get it. get it in like you know every movie i get it i get it i know i know who you're trying not to name right now and i love it girl you have to keep your you have to keep your wits about you on the recording

not even plus and now i feel like I'm in Le Dark. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, little mama. Hey, little mama, let me whisper in your ear. Maggie, what is the next thing on your records? Baby Girl? Let's go with um all reality tv tv ever i was going to pick the specific amy's baking company episode of kitchen nightmares but i thought all reality tv needs to be seen by these aliens because it's i just i'm a housewives girl i'm a summer house i'm a top chef like i

love reality tv so much it's interesting that you brought up first kitchen nightmares because lately i've been on a real cooking reality show kick i've been watching master chef junior i've been watching master chef regular i've been watching top chef i've been watching master chef regular gordon gordon ramsey has a new cooking show it It's not very good, but I can't stop watching. And, um... Have you seen Amy's Baking Company? No. Okay, it's on Hulu. You just need to watch that episode. It is one of the most iconic episodes of television

I've ever watched. Okay, I'm gonna watch it. I've really gotten quite addicted to cooking reality. This is Tim trying to save restaurants, and these people just, like, the food is horrible, they're restaurants and these people just like the food is horrible, they're horrible and he's like, there's no way.

The restaurant looks like shit. That's where idiot sandwich comes from, right? Wasn't that from Kitchen Nightmares? No, that's from Hell's Kitchen. Sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. The brochure bubble.

No, it's fine. Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Damn, Maggie just owned Shelby on the pod. Shelby got completely owned by Marguerite. I'm fine. Bonjour. Yeah, Caleb just revealed my secret.

My name is Marguerite. Bonjour. Bonjour, Shelby. We've been owned by Marguerite. Bonjour, Shelby. Ça va? Ça va. Ça va? Cherie, ça va?

Ça va? Maggie, we have only a little bit of time left with you, unfortunately, which makes me want to curl up and die. But what else would be on your records? Okay, the last one is, and I talked about this a little bit going to the movies alone ordering a big popcorn with butter a big drink candy and also the movie is good yeah that experience as a whole because you could have all the start the beginning stuff but then if you see a bad movie it's like what was the point of that but if it's like you're alone i love going to movies alone i

love eating I love eating popcorn like a psycho and having no one be like, can I have some? And I love just having the biggest Coke Zero, size of my head and having no, like, I don't actually drink pop. People around me fuck off.

Are you a landmark girl? When you don't I live about a block away, so yeah. Yeah. Go off Landmark. I figured as much. Yeah.

Great theater. Great theater in Chicago. Great theater. Love it. You can go there and find Maggie sometime. Can I say something about Landmark that's maybe different? I think the travel upwards in Landmark is confusing. I think once you know it, you know it.

But the first time i went someone was like meet me at landmark saw the marquee said i'm here went inside said i don't think there's a hard yes elevator and escalator and stairs and ramps it's and it's hard vertical it's like very vertical yes but once you get up there you're you're like i did it you're transported and then and then now that you know you know you know if you know you know once you get up there, you're like, I did it. You're transported. And then now that you know, you know. If you know, you know. Once you get up there, you do feel like you're in this little cinema world where you're just there. It really does feel very special.

Yes, it does. And if you see me there, you can wave at me, but please don't turn to the next to me. Don't ask for a bite of popcorn. If you ask for a bite of my popcorn holy shit holy there is an energy to going to the movies with someone that is bad that i also would consider including like when you leave the theater and you're checking the pulse on how everyone felt about it like you're like that was not amazing question mark. Yes. Yeah. That is very funny to me.

You always have to prime the pump. You always have to prime the pump on that conversation by being like, that was not what I expected. Yeah. Right. And then see what they give back. Yes. Caleb and I both, and maybe he's changed his tune on this. I don't know. But Caleb and I really didn't like A Star is Born.

And when we left we were weeping we did we were crying of course yeah of course we weeped we were weepers we were just kind of like drying our swollen wet eyes being like didn't really care for it well we're weepers though we'll weep at anything

and same I will I also feel like where I enjoyed it while I was watching it, I enjoyed it. I also cried a lot, and then I thought, I'll never watch that movie again. That's how I feel about 8th Grade. Everyone's like, the best movie ever. I said, I will never watch that movie again.

That hits too hard. Do you know what the opposite is for me? I've not seen 8th Grade. What? The opposite for me is um of being watching a movie and going oh i'll never watch that again is watching get out i watched get out and i was like i will watch that 25 more times in my lifetime minimum yes yeah yes um i have not because i when i left a star is born i'll tell you I thought I will never watch that movie again I didn't enjoy it I didn't have a good time and now

and I still haven't seen it again to be clear but I do have the impulse to when I'm sad and I want to get sad again yes yeah yeah when I'm already sad and I say how can I make this worse for myself I get in those moods

I like turn on the saddest song I've ever heard. I'm like, let's just ride this out. Exactly. Tell me something, Shelby. Are you happy in this modern world? Or do you need more? Bradley Cooper pissed his pants in the movie. hey does anyone and um does anyone know what it meant when lady gaga did this i'll never understand it did i'm talking about yes uh i yeah he's she's like let me he goes like hey girl let me look back at you one more time and

then she says doesn't he say something about her nose like it's beautiful i guess he like he like whatever dude who cares life sucks well maggie on that note um we've come i think to the end of our time with you. Is there anything else you would want on the records as a last sayonara? I got all my stuff in there, and maybe we'll throw in my headshot so the aliens, if they want to book me on a roll. Yes. Perfect. I think that's huge and important.

We can accommodate that. Absolutely. Perfect. Yeah. Maggie, you are so funny and one of our favorites, and we love you. That's huge and important. We can accommodate that. Absolutely. Perfect. Yeah. Maggie, you are so funny and one of our favorites, and we love you. And thank you so much for doing this. You guys are my favorite.

Where can the people find you? Love you. So, at Sadie Splinters on all the freaking places, and also at the Landmark Theater. Watch her content, drink it up, and then watch her drink an ice cold soda at the landmark theater this has been keeping records five stars on apple five stars on spotify we love you we miss you ciao for now. Bye. That was a Hiddem original.