Keeping Records - The Doctor Is In (with Taylor Ortega)

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Comedian and actor Taylor Ortega (Kim Possible, Love Life, Welcome to Flatch) is crashing on Caleb and Dr. Wolstein's pull-out couch, so why not build a Golden Record? Along the way everyone recounts the trauma of having to go to the bathroom in the woods, and also the trauma of wearing Nike Shocks. Taylor's Artifacts Wet wipes (human ephemera) The Real L-Word (audio-visual) Cute, trendy plants that are easy to take care of (biological sample) Taylor’s group chats (literature) A good nonstick pan (human tool) Original Voyager Artifact Old Man With Beard and Glasses (Turkey), Jonathan Blair Follow Taylor on Instagram! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo satou. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow. Shelby James Wolstein. Caleb Dirk.

Dirk? Yeah. Ew, you don't think. Do you think that about me? Do I think it's real or do I think it's funny? That's the question. I guess say real first and then say funny. Well, I know your middle name.

Okay, prove it. Daniel. Oh my God. Oh. I don't know yours. Yes, you do. You just choose not to. Yeah, that's so true.

It's Joelle. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I guess Dirk is kind of funny. How are you? Good. How are you? You know I spelled my middle name wrong for like half my life why would you do that i didn't know it was two l's and two e's i thought it was spelled like joel like your cousin joel nephew joel cousin joel cousin cousin joel and i only found out because i was filling out paperwork. And my mom said that I had like saw Shelby Joel Wolstein. It was like, what the fuck is this?

And I was like, I thought that was how we spelled it. No one ever told me. No one ever showed me my name. They just told it to me. Can I just say something? What's up? I'm feeling very lethargic because we just had a big breakfast. And I also have been up since 4 a.m.

Yeah, well, Caleb didn't really sleep, which I know is affecting his mood because he wanted to call me out during this intro and he's chosen not to. And what? What did I want to call you out? Oh, I did have something. What did I want to call you out on? I know, but I don't want to be called out. So why would I tell you? Oh, wait, what did I want to call you out on? Yeah, don't tell me because I really want to remember. I wanted to call you out on.

Oh, I remember what it was. You sneaky little uh fucker well you shelby keeps getting mail delivered to our house under under the title dr shelby wolstein and everyone i keep every time i get one i post it on instagram and i keep i kind of run the house so i look at stuff like that and i keep posting it and people are asking why why why why why and every time shelby just ignores it when i bring it up yeah i say i went to a lot of classes i took a lot of classes and then they gave me a title that's how that works you majored in like photography and wood building what and i'm a doctor in that no you're a bachelor in that why are you getting stuff under dr shelby woldstein

can i be honest it is kind of funny someone just assumed that of me because i i got no it's for if you look at any of the mail that if you have any of the mail that has that title it's all from the nature conservancy and when i think and when i think of when i signed up for the nature conservancy it was some canvasser assaulted me in the streets in chicago to have me pay pay to support the nature conservancy and i said okay because i was really scared because he wouldn't leave me alone assaulted me in the streets in Chicago to have me pay to support the Nature Conservancy. And I said, okay, because I was really scared because he wouldn't leave me alone. And I was like, I'm a bad person if I don't. So I paid him and he assumed the title doctor because I didn't put it down. He had a little iPad.

I don't believe you, but I will say it's funny you bring up taking a lot of classes because I'm thinking about getting back into classes. Yeah, you're going gonna start taking glass making well i want to take close i want to take stain staining glass that's a class i want to take how to stain glass the same thing that's the same thing because one's blowing and one's staining and i also want to take an accounting class and a spanish class why would you ever take an accounting class you boring bitch well you oh oh laugh it up laugh it up have a lot of fun have a lot of fun until i don't need an accountant because i know how to do it myself from one class well there's cpas i'm gonna have cpas i'm gonna have to take a couple

classes and i'll still have to use um an internet tax service that i've been using who i don't want to name check because no free clout for the girlies um not when the girlies are worth billions um but you know i think it's important to know what's going on in your in your life yeah hey do you want to bring in our guest the most honest you don't care about. Okay. Look, our guest today. Oh, I couldn't be less. I couldn't be. There's no world in which I'm. Be nice. Be nice.

Interested in accounting. Okay. Well, I thought it was gonna be about me. Our guest today. I'm so excited. I have a big crush on her. You got Shelby. We've got her in the house.

Actually. We've got her in our guest house. This is the closest we've ever been to a guest. Yeah, truly. And you guys know her from Love Life on HBO Max. You know her from Kim Possible on Disney. And you know her. She is in the freaking upcoming Fox pilot called Welcome to Flatch with a bunch of our funny friends.

Everybody put your paws and fins together for Taylor Ortega. Hey. Hi, Caleb. Hi, Dr. W. No. Don't be on board with it Taylor, no This is a self-help pod where I'm the doctor

The doctor is in Oh, you're like a Dr. Drew The doctor is in and she's shorter Than you would ever believe I've had a lot of small doctors You don't see that a lot You don't see a lot of small people becoming doctors, I don't think In New York, I've had a couple of small doctors.

Well, that's natural selection because some of the doors are so small there. So they have to fit. That's true. They're very old buildings. But the smallest door of all is the one that's open for women in Hollywood. Taylor, tell us about... Then how am I 5'11"? Explain that, bitch.

How are you 5'11"? I i explain that bitch how are you 5 11 say where are you bisexual i i am bisexual pretty sure oh my god i love pretty sure what does that mean i don't know i haven't i haven't like been on a date with him actually i went on a date with a man not so long ago but we didn't like smooch or anything so i don't know like it's been years so i don't know do i like them still do they like me still what was his profession they like you still i think by the way his profession was he is in the same industry as us no oh my god name drop not an artiste it was leo dicaprio it was leonardo i get to call him leo and he's interested yeah he made me sign an

nda but i got to live at his house for like a month. Ooh, pool girl vibes? Yeah. Or just like hanging out as a guest? Oh my God. Well, basically I got to Leonardo DiCaprio's house. He made me sign an NDA. He said I could stay for a month, but then about halfway through he found out my real

age and he was like, I told you there was a 25 year old cutoff and you lied and now I'm not allowed to back. And you're 47. You're 47.'re 47 and i'm 47 yeah fuck yeah fuck you really fumbled that so it's pretty bad i can't go back fuck but also there was like no other women there so what do you mean like he didn't have any he didn't have any females he just doesn't have any female friends he doesn't have any female friends yeah that's actually and then he would always be like he would always be like men and women can't

be friends and i was like i'm so sick of hearing this that's true though i don't like, men and women can't be friends. And I was like, I'm so sick of hearing this. That's true, though. I don't know. Men and women cannot be friends. Caleb, you only have female friends. Well, my closest friends are women, but I have non-binary friends. I have guy friends. I hang out with some animals sometimes. I like animals that aren't human.

Not all of them. Not all of them. Honey, honey, honey, let me tell you. Not all of them at all. But Taylor, we came on to talk about you how are you doing in life um i'm i'm good in life i'm good in life i'm a little as as the two of you know a little bit scattered right now but i i just found a home so i feel pretty good about that i feel pretty excited what's the song i want to sing home when i'm sitting with people that's nice that's a nice one but that's not i feel home did you just write that no i wish thank you it's oar oh i'm thinking of um another night in in paris in rome i still feel oh oh you're

thinking michael buble michael buble mich Michael Buble. And I want to go home. Michael Buble. And not to be confused with the Edward Sharp song. Home, let me go home. Home is when I'm alone with you. Hey, Mike, if I could ask for one thing, it would be that that sounds better. Yeah, clean us up. Make us sound really good mike

mike mike mike's not allowed to cut himself his references to him from the pod anymore because he's officially part of the canon yeah people were begging to put mike on the on the records and honey he's on them he's making them every single time he's creating them he's on the record he's carl sagan's on the record mike's carl sagan uh taylor you're moving to los angeles california i am moving to los angeles California. Yeah. Say your new address so everyone can look it up on Redfin. Let them see it on Zillow. Come on. Absolutely not.

But I'm really excited to move here. I have been telling people. We'll post it on the Instagram. Post it on the Instagram. I can send you pics. I can send you the videos I sent to my mom. I'm excited. I told people for years that I would move here and I had no intention of it. So it's exciting to finally make good on that.

On a longstanding promise. A longstanding promise. I say things a lot I don't intend on doing. But I really did this one. That is a big thing. That is a big thing with L.A. People for years in Chicago and New York will be like, next month I'm going. And then three years later they're still in the same apartment apartment and it's it's not a good or a bad thing it's just like very interesting how

people moving to LA is always kind of something people are Caleb's hoping some of our really close friends listen to this and hear it as a drag he's like no it's just interesting I just see it interesting you know I'm staying out of it Caleb is staying out of it in the reverse psychology type of way not in the way that he's actually staying out of it well that's the thing like i do feel that there is an la quality of like um that i noticed people like i don't know about chicago but in new york we don't like beg people to move to the city but i did feel like la people are like you have to be here and i'm like you're making it sound suspicious when you do that you're making it sound i i get way too involved in people's lives to the point where it starts to feel like my own life and And so I've always been like, yeah, people need to do, um,

the thing I want them to do. Cause it would make me happy. Shelby knows this. So Shelby is right. I'm staying out of it only in, in, in word only now. So when people talk to me about moving to LA, I just go, I just go, Oh, cool. Yeah. If you want to, I'm staying out of it. That's really smart. I think that's the, I think that's the way to do it. Cause that's genuinely how I feel about people moving to New York. Uh like i don't care that's your business and i will say la is nice it's not there's nothing weird going on i mean there's a lot of weird things going it's a bizarre place i'm probably weird it's really weird so we know she's we know she's not in tucked it into the scientology church yet then because that's not yet they're gonna call it holly weird oh they're

gonna want you they're going to want you. They're going to want me. For a million years, babe. It's going to be competitive. Babe. Babe. To see what church I sign with. Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. LeBron James, the decision, but for churches and Taylor Ortega. But for church, yeah. It's like, who are you with? WME, UTA? No, I'm with Scientology. Actually, that is kind of true. I'm with Scientology, actually.

What's the Justin Bieber church? It's not Hills not hillsong is it hillsong it was hillsong but i don't know if they're still close because i know that like someone i know a lot about hills i know a lot about hillsong uh which is uh we don't have to go down that that rabbit hole what's the other one the big one that chris pratt's in out here that's also hillsong no babe i don't think that's true are you sure i could be really really wrong but i do believe that there were like not just Carl Lenz I think there was another major Hillsong pastor and I don't know if it's like comedy theaters in New York where like two people own them and then they got in a fight because they couldn't compromise so they split up and now there's two or three theaters I don't know but um yeah it could be that I thought there was one called life I thought

there was one called life church or something that That sounds like there could be. So what I'm learning is that Chris Pratt is belonging to a church that is modeled after Hillsong. Ooh. Okay. So this is Zoe Church's pastor, Chad Veach, said he modeled his social media friendly mega church on another new style evangelical church, Hillsong Church. Zoe? Chad. Zoe Church's pastor, Chad Veach. Oh.

They called the church Zoe Church? That's so, I mean, we shouldn't get into it. They might be really powerful. I mean, it doesn't matter. I think they're, I know one or the other is like pretty anti-LGBTQ in my, from based on what I read. Well, let's hear them out. I don't know which one it is. How many gay people do you guys know that you don't like? Seriously. Well, let's hear them out. I mean, I don't know which one it is. How many gay people do you guys know

that you don't like? Seriously, like let's hear them out on it because there are a lot of- That's really hard because I know mostly gay people. What am I not supposed to have enemies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, every time I hear that someone's anti-gay,

I'm like, God, I do hate a lot of gay people, I guess. Like politically it's wrong, but interpersonally, I guess I'm kind of, some days I'm there. Some days I'm there. Some days I'm there. Yeah. I'm not going to have tension in my life. I have bad news for you guys.

I wasn't paying attention at all because I was reading about mega churches. Oh, what'd you learn, babe? They'll really suck you in. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it was like how the church was being like, we don't like the gays. And Chris Pratt was like, I don't actually think that's true about them. And everyone was like, right.

But they're saying it, babe. Brave. Brave. Brave, defend your church. I went to a Hillsong service once. My roommate and I like wrote a musical, like a church service based on Hillsong. So we thought it would maybe be responsible and respectful to at least go to a service. And, you know, I understand like, because went went to church growing up and it was really

boring so i do understand how like updating it and like wearing jeans and stuff can be intoxicating for people who wearing jeans and stuff god don't i know that it's a concert it's a concert well shelby that's how you became gay wearing jeans denim yeah denim really got you into queerness yeah jeans blonstones they really did it for me i did say something kind of funny today about shelby's sexuality i said i said shelby shelby said we were we were at breakfast taylor and um and shelby said something like which i hear you said you were sort of surprised that i didn't know i was gay for so long i hear you've made some comments taylor me Me? Yeah. Yeah. You've been talking shit. Well, that's actually not what I said.

I said I assumed you were gay when I met you because of your baby hairs. Yeah. Exactly. That? These? I don't control these. You have gay girl baby hairs. I can't control these.

Well, but guess what? Straight girls can. If God is real. Straight girls can if God is real. Well, Shelby said today, I didn't know I was queer for the longest time. And I said, well, the Blundstone boots

were telling a different story. Which is ultimately, that is ultimately true. Listen. Yeah. We've really been skirting around the big issues here. And the big shirts. The big shirts.

You wear a lot of big shirts. Hey, that's body image issues. That has nothing to do with my sexuality, chief. I've been getting into big shirts. Babe, everyone's getting into big shirts this year. Wide leg pants chief i've been getting into big shirts babe everyone's getting into big shirts this year wide like i've been getting the big shirts i will say someone i was talking to that came out late in life also late in life i'm like 60 i came out late in life i consider thank you thank you shelby goes i was talking to a friend of mine recently who came out really publicly late in life, recently lost their TV show.

But no, someone was like, it was the boxy shirts that told me how I was gay. How about you? And I was like, oh, I guess I do wear boxy shirts. Yeah, boxy shirts. Yeah, always sort of having like a tent around. Yeah, driving a big SUV. Having sort of any sport in the car in case the car yeah the camping supplies in the car

the car in general certainly part of it yeah the attraction to women I will say was a huge tip off for me that was a huge tip off for me that didn't do it for me I said everyone likes women that's not unique what if I never allowed Taylor to talk about her records and was just

kept bringing up Shelby's sexuality i like it as you know uh i talked to you guys maybe a half hour ago and you were like what are your records and i was like what are my what well i mean we will get into your records but taylor what about your sexuality what are you asking about what's your sexuality i mean you said bye earlier but how did you come to it though how did you come i tentatively said bye oh because for a long you know for a long time i was like oh i'm really straight and the reason that sometimes i do gay stuff is because i'm secure oh my little airpod my airpod like don't say anymore don't say more bitch it's over it's over it's over babe um and the reason yeah and i think the reason i came out a little later too is because i was like oh i wouldn't be doing gay stuff in my private life if i wasn't so secure about being straight

and that sounds stupid now yeah at the time at the time it wasn't stupid and i didn't like which is so weird because i always had at least like one close lesbian friend in my life you'd think i would be like are there any similarities like yeah taylor i have not a single straight friend anymore everyone i know is gay and i was like yeah i'm straight babe i will say like taylor we've since you've been in la we've gone and me you and shelby and all of our friends have gone to a couple things together i look around at gatherings now i mean it was so hard to find a gay friend when i was like 17 i look around at things we're at now and i go for for 15 000 i couldn't find a straight person within a mile like i could not do it and i think that's

so powerful it really is but you know it's even more powerful what you're building your own golden but it weren't like 20 minutes in building your own golden record to send into space taylor what would you put on him babe okay so you said i could put anything on it yeah it sounds anything okay experiences okay the first one i feel like i i really i i want to preface this by saying i am trying to be more sustainable but i'm also trying to be honest right now yeah so my first thing my first thing is wet wipes and here's why okay they're the most important thing in my life and i think it's not a thing that i talk to other people about but i'm pretty sure it's and if you guys don't confirm this i will kill myself but it is the most important thing in everyone's life we

use them every day for our hands no you know i don't mean for our butts for our butts well you've seen my bathroom i have it for my butts okay good i'm like lurking around your bathroom also i think if i ever got i also think of like if i ever ended up in space i would be like oh thank god that i sent these they wouldn't work out in space yes they would they would. Would they? I think so, because when they wash their face, they put the water on the towel. It's space station style. And if you keep the bag closed, as long as you reclose the bag. Yeah.

It's just like on Earth. Yeah. It's like as long as you reclose the bag. Just like on Earth, really. Yeah. Here's the thing. People need to be using them more, and I don't think they are. It's tricky, because do they need to be using them more or less? Shelby, how often would you say you're wiping your ass with a wet wipe?

Well, here's the thing. I watched a thing on the internet once that was saying like, when you use toilet paper, you are just like moving poop onto your butt. You're not actually removing it. And I don't like talking about poop on the air, but on the air or in life but ultimately they were like they did an experiment where they were like okay put like a poop like like pudding on grass and then wipe it i'm gonna throw up putting on people need to hear this people need to hear this stop be strong no matter how much you wipe it with paper it stays a little bit but if you learn this it gets gone it gets gone it gets gone so i was like that is really powerful to know and i'm gonna kill myself if you ever say that again come on i'm gonna kill myself if you ever say that again

taylor pooping on grass have you ever done it uh actually i uh i have not i have a really hard time uh going outside you've never pooped on grass liar no i've never i never have i also don't camp. But as we've established, I do. Yeah, I never have. You pick it up. I mean, I've walked a dog before, so I'm familiar with the sensation or the task. But no, I haven't.

I have not. One time on a Girl Scout trip, I actually got kicked out of the tent um because they were like you can't come back in the tent until you pee outside uh so I had a lie bullying I squatted and pretended and they watched me like and I was like I'm doing it and I was pretending get Melania Trump on the line this is bullying so it was kids doing this to you it was we were in middle school yeah well I just didn't know if it was I thought for a second I thought you meant like the troop leader like the adults were like taylor it's part of it i mean that is how i look back on all my relationships with adults in like elementary school and middle school but yeah

oh i hate that can i tell you guys a really uh dark story about pooping in the woods yeah but it has to be really dark well okay it's sort of medium dark but i'm gonna give it a go light roast we i went on a camping trip i went on a camping trip at summer camp and it was me and 30 of my closest friends and we had to poop in the woods because we were camping and people weren't i guess we were being expected to bury the poop but we weren't doing. No one had given us that directive and we were just pooping by trees and leaving it there.

That was the deal. And one of our counselors, she was so mean, so, so mean, before we were supposed to leave, yelled at us and made us all go and collect all the poop from the woods. So we all had to spread out and no one knew which poop was theirs or even

ours we couldn't confirm it was even collectively ours and we had to walk around 12 and we had to walk around all picking up shit and putting it in a garbage bag everyone's throwing up all of us are throwing up all of us are crying it's like the worst day and then we all just had to get on a bus and go on a hike we had no free will that is so that is i mean that's pretty horrifying but i will say as mean as that troop leader was and as terrible terrible as that story is um you do have to be really careful about leaving your dna around okay yeah i always say it's really scary for me because i've donated my hair and if i if someone were to because if they wore my wig and they left their hair somewhere i'd be fucked i i will tell you i i think that maybe a lot of people would say like oh if they told me

to do that like go pick up the shit in the woods i would say no i can tell you confidently that i would because i would do it yeah when i was around same age, I had a teacher that tried to punish us. She was like my, like my fourth or fifth grade teacher. She tried to punish us by making us run sprints for being too loud. And straight up, we all got outside and she was like, you guys are going to run sprints being too loud.

And I said, Oh, I'm not doing that. And, and I was in fifth grade and she said, yes, you are because I said so. And I said,

that's crazy. You can send me to the office. I don't care. I'm not doing that. And then she did send me to the office and I was like, she's not a gym teacher she did send me the office and i was like she's not a gym teacher i'm not running sprints for her and they were like yeah good point and then i didn't get in trouble and that bitch uh would never cross me again and if the girl told me to go pick up the poop i would have said you're out of your fucking mind babe it's not possible i want to say that i was strong enough

to say that but um i wasn't and you have to stick up for yourself girly well i tried to be like i have not pooped in weeks which wasn't true but i was like well if i've never pooped you tried a lot there's also a lot going like there's a lot there's your dynamic in the group it's how many strikes you already have against you with this with the adult and i had i always had a lot of strikes. They kept, they kept striking me. I constantly had got strikes. So at that point I was probably pushing my life.

I've been shitting in the woods all week. I probably at that point. So, so, so, so we have talked about, we have talked about officially one item on Taylor's record. We are 26 minutes and 45 seconds into this recording. I'm loving the energy of the pod today. Before we get into the next item on your record, Taylor, I think maybe it would help you if we looked at something from the original records. Don't you think?

Oh, yeah. That would be so helpful. Okay. Well, there's this image. Okay. Okay. Caleb said, okay. Okay. helpful okay well there's this image um okay okay okay well okay well um all right so there's a picture uh on the original records by a photographer um i'm glad you picked this one can i be honest about that i knew you would be and i picked it because you'd feel that way i really wanted to be on your good side today i could not handle the drama because i i guess my body instinctively knew that i was going to call you out on the doctor thing yeah even though you forgot even though i forgot okay what am i seeing are you looking at a picture of

a man yes this is a this image is called old man with beard and glasses turkey taylor what do you make of this tell the tell the listeners what you're seeing here babe okay here's the thing this is an old man smoking a cigarette he kind of in some ways like his hands remind me of my grandfather's on my dad's side um and he's got a a cute little short beard and he's smoking a cigarette but it kind of in a way where it makes it seem like he's not supposed to be smoking wherever he is. Yeah. The picture also looks timeless. If you told me it was taken today or a hundred years ago.

In Brooklyn at an art gallery today, I would say, of course it was. Beautiful wool coat. Beautiful wool coat. Beautiful wool coat and his little sleeves under it that are from his shirt. Also stunning. He's ultimately, and Caleb won't agree because he's way too old for Caleb, but for his deal, he's hot. One of the images on the original records is called Old Man with Beard and Glasses, Turkey by Jonathan Blair. It's an image of a man in tiny little glasses smoking a cigarette with a cigarette holder. Now we know

with context this was taken before 1977, but if you told me it was taken yesterday, I'd believe you. Jonathan Blair specializes in natural history and deep ocean photography, and he has been a photographer with the National Geographic Society since the 1970s. Jonathan began his photography career at Northwestern University as a darkroom technician. His job was to take pictures of various stars for the Dearborn Observatory. He then later took a trip to the White Sands in New Mexico where he realized he wanted to become a landscape photographer. After that, he enrolled at the Rochester Institute of Technology to pursue his degree in illustrative photography. Jonathan's photographs have been published in Time, Life,

Newsweek, and the New York Times Magazine, as well as in a photographic book called Outlaw Trail, which was an international bestseller. In 2001, he became the director of media development for Nauticos Corporation, an ocean discovery company. His first assignment with them was taking underwater images during their search for Amelia Earhart's airplane. Jonathan's catalog of work is diverse. It ranges from photos of underwater shipwrecks to wildlife on the Pacific Islands to the Wild West in the United States. To the photo of this man, who we don't know where he is or what he's doing or what he's thinking. It appears he's married and has great style. I imagine under his coat this man has

so many tattoos. What we do know about the man in the photo is that his vibes are immaculate. His vibes are on point. His vibes are on point. On point.

I'm sorry? You're telling me he would fuck this gentleman no i wouldn't but i think that's not we would maybe have a moment is what we're saying what i'm saying is why am i jumping on this i think he's a beautiful i think he's a beautiful person i think he's has hot energy ouch um huh i can't i can't believe i can't believe shelby you want to bone this guy so bad he's really elderly this guy i don't want to bone this guy yeah but i do think that he has an energy that if that guy was young well sure but couldn't you do that with anybody no oh because the beanie the beanie the glasses the the cigarette holder the coat like he's has such a vibe that if he was a little younger, I'd be drooling over this man. That's the thing.

Everyone looks like we all know not to read too much into this, but everyone looks hot smoking. You know what I mean? And don't do it. It's bad for you. Do it if you gotta. I mean, it is so hot. Do it if you gotta. It is so hot.

Taylor, our listeners are in the nine to ten range age wise. So be really careful. Don't smoke cigarettes. Stay in careful. Don't smoke cigarettes. Stay in school and don't smoke cigarettes. But if you're competing for like a, like a love interest or something against someone else that could really put you over the edge. If you smoke a cigarette,

no matter what age you are, if you guys, if anybody listening is, is eight, nine, 10 years old, smoke cigarettes. If that's what it takes,

like, well, first of all, no, if you're eight, nine, 10 years old, please don't be dating.

Please don't be romantic. I forgot about that. people do people do date at eight sometimes you know you'll like go on the playground and be like let's get married by the tree which is really bizarre okay so you dated in it that was my vibe did you guys not i did no absolutely not taylor what okay you were in new jersey you didn't even pump your own gas but yeah I'm weird for dating no I didn't date wow I was big into dating and frankly my mom was trying to sell me off to all of her friends kids she was like they'll get married I love that I wish I had had a boyfriend in elementary school I just went to a very small Catholic school and I was like the size of a like

a sixth grader so I was just like very they're like are you teacher here and i was like no no babe wish i was no i'm sitting in the hallway because i have adhd i had the exact opposite situation where i i used to have double recess because the kindergartners went out after the fourth graders and they always missed me because they thought i was a kindergartner because i was so little and so i would stay up for the size of a kindergartner yeah you still are too small yeah sometimes i lose you at the grocery store and stuff if you if you turn a corner i'm like well i have to go find caleb and grab onto his leg it's so awkward when i grab onto someone else's leg oh my god you guys i don't remember what the context for this was or like who i was looking for but i saw a guy oh it was um this was in uh the valley like like noho i was going we were

meeting our friend sam um and our friend anna for drinks and i saw somebody who looked exactly like my friend sam like a guy sam is a gay man i almost ran up and hugged him from behind and like pretend kissed his neck. Like, Oh my God. It was like some random straight dude I've never met in my entire life. And I was like inches away from doing it. Thank God he opened his mouth to talk to the server in front of me. Like when I got like two inches away and I literally was like already in the like grab him pose.

And then I, I kind of just pretended that I was like scratching my chest and walked away. It was so scary. I mean, I could have taken taken him though so it wouldn't have been a huge deal but it just was like you know scary i could have physically big time scary big time scary that is scary that's why i don't yeah i never i'm not i don't take risks like that i definitely have like made eye contact with like a lot of like women at auditions and stuff who i think i know and then i get closer to them and i'm like now she thinks i'm weird that i said hi because it won't just be like hi guys taylor brought up auditions and it made me kind of sad i think we have to take a

break oh yeah no worries let's take a break welcome bark taylor do your best dog bark um okay my best dog bark this is an audition that was a person wait that was a frat boy the funniest thing about that bark is that Taylor is about 10 feet away from me, but there's a wall between us. And I heard it 13 milliseconds earlier from the window. So intense, too. Oh, man. So important to mention. If you all were imagining me doing one of those arm twirl things during that, I wasn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taylor planted her feet, put her arms by her side and threw her body towards the microphone to do that but we're getting distracted again taylor we're here to talk about your records seriously stop taylor stop okay stop you guys stop taylor you need to stop because you've been getting distracted you need to stop you guys both everybody i'm trying to have a good time. I'm trying to have a good time and you guys need to stop. Everybody on here is gay

and so I think there needs to be a level of respect where we all say, Taylor, you need to stop. Wait, no. I think on three we all agree to stop. No, no, no. Taylor, you need to stop and we need to talk about your records.

Okay, I'm ready to stop. Stop. Okay, I'll stop if you stop. I'm stopping. Shelby, stop. I'm moving the microphone so that I can stop taylor what would you put on your records next okay this next one uh is it uh this next one is a reality

television show which i think is so important because um i honestly think that i'm sure i'm not the first person to add a reality television show but i just want to make sure that the collection is complete because as we know reality television show is but I just want to make sure that the collection is complete because as we know, reality television show is the most realistic, um, representation of humanity today. So the, the one I'm choosing is, and I know that I'm, it's the real L word and I talk about it too much. I need to stop. This is the last time I'm going to talk about it. I swear. Probably not. You're like, you're like, okay, now that I've talked about it on this spot, I'll never bring it up again. It's really true. It's really true. I, I do have to stop talking about it because I can see people be like, no, I don't want it.

But I'm gonna, but I'm gonna, I'm sending it. I'm sending it. Now, the original L Word, this is a show about lesbians. Yes. It's a scripted show.

The original one was a scripted show about lesbians living in Los Angeles. Half hour or hour? Yeah. You know, time stands still when you're watching it. Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah, babe. Oh my God god fucking media training like taylor that was impressive babe okay time stands still when you're watching this show time stands still but then they made a reality version probably in like 2009 or 2010 or something and they did three seasons of it and it was also the first two seasons are all are based in la and then the third one is like la new york but then they just end up in california again which is that's fine um what if i'm like this is actually why i moved out here i'm hoping they'll do a fourth i want them to do a fourth award with me uh i would say yes um but yeah basically it's a it's a reality show version

so you follow uh different lesbians at different points in their life and um then they kind of just you kind of see them decide to be gay stop don't no you don't see them decide to be gay um don't don't say oh you need to stop don't you don't stop don't put goss in the chat stop don't don't stop please stop don't stop everybody stop stop don't put goss in the chat stop don't don't stop please stop don't stop everybody stop stop don't stop sometimes i start doing a voice that i'm just like oh it's funny to say an o this way or something like i'll start doing a voice and i'll be like i'll be like don't and then like that time it didn't end up problematic but sometimes i'll do a voice just because something sounds sounds funny and then i'll get really deep in something that I'm like, you shouldn't be talking like this. Right.

You definitely should do them alone first, but. Caleb, what do you mean by funny? What do you mean by it sounds funny? Like it just is like, oh, that sound is really interesting. I wouldn't really say an oh like that or something. And then it's like super Italian or something, you know, which Italians are fine. You can rag on them now.

Yeah. You can say whatever you want. I think it's like how people from Philadelphia have a funny accent. And, um, but, but it's okay to say that. Tara, can you do a Philly accent? No. I don't know. I can't do it.

They're always like, no. I don't know. I can't do it. Tara, you need to stop. We're getting on track. They're like, they're like. Tara, stop. You need to quit. Stop.

Don't. Don't. Totally don't. A little bit, right? Nothing usable, by the way. Nothing that we're saying is usable for the podcast, by the way. We can't just put out. We can't just put out.

Let's just regroup. We can't put 45 minutes of us out saying, don't stop. But I mean, we will. This all needs to go out. This has to go out. I want a separate clip of don't stop. And then that goes into a movie during a sex scene. I want Mike to edit us saying,

I want Mike to edit us saying, don't stop. And then it cuts in, believe it. Like the actual song. Hold on to the beat. They talk. So it's, yeah,

you just replace the don't stop and don't stop believing with us saying, don't stop. Don't stop. That's funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's comedy.

Don't stop. that's perfect if you guys had sex with someone for the first time and they said oh my god oh my god i would stop because i understand consent no no they're saying don't stop well you don't know that's what's complicated are they saying i would check in are they saying don't stop like keep fucking me real nice and good i would be like yo is this all right is this all right can i do this is this all right if they're saying it in that voice are you guys continuing is it okay if i touch you like that do you like that do you like that wow taylor that was really consensual of you ultimately we've lost the plot on the don't stop thing and i i think the the l word of it all is uh so powerful to have lesbians on tv i really hope that you get to do that out here yeah yeah i mean i've been a lesbian

on tv before but i mean specifically the l word yeah the thing is at this point in my life would i do a reality show probably not taylor that's why you moved taylor i know i just don't think they're gonna i just don't think they're gonna like i just don't think they're gonna do it I just don't think they're going to. Like, I just don't think they're going to do it. I just don't think they're going to. Okay. Well, fine. What else would you put on your records then? If you all put.

I get mad. Fine. I get mad. No, I'm being serious. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. Don't. Stop.

No, that makes a lot of sense. Getting somber. Yeah. That. No. Yeah. Wait, that's kind of sexy to talk like this. Am I allowed to send. am i allowed to send um

am i allowed to send living things yeah okay absolutely um i would like i would on i would honestly like to send uh like uh uh trendy plants cute trendy plants cute trendy plants like specifically uh uh this is absolutely coming for uh the the pathos and monstera girls um who of whom i i i am i am a pathos and monstera girl but like cute trendy plants that are easy to take care of but then when people walk in your house they're like wow lush you have a talent and you're like i don't i have one friend who knows about plants and i bought the two easiest ones to take care of. A snake plant and a ZZ plant. Yeah.

What would both of you say to someone who doesn't understand a word you just said? Pathos, Montero, snake, ZZ. Those are types of plants. That's as much as I'd say. They are types of plants. Sure, sure. I thought you said everyone here was gay. I don't understand why they wouldn't know.

No, no, I do. I'm like, oh, yeah, the snake, the ZZ, the paper, blah, blah. I get it, but I'm thinking about we might have some straight listeners unfortunately and caleb using the second city improv training like i know what that means but what can you explain it to the rest of us for someone who might not yeah everybody uh everybody thank you so much for coming out no we can't i mean we could do the entire second city speech but thank you guys for coming out here tonight if you thought this was easy, fuck you. It's really hard.

If you look through the wall behind you, you can't. But thanks for trying. This is so Chicago for no reason. Taylor's like, I don't even know what you guys are doing. I don't know what it is. Taylor, why are those plants so trendy? And what do you want the aliens to know about trends on Earth? Honestly, I just want to encourage the aliens.

I think you don't have to. I don't like going to people's houses and they don't have any plants and i think even the aliens need to understand that you don't even have to be good at taking care of plants to have them the pathos are the really the like hangy ones that everyone has that like they hang on the little hooks everyone has them anyone can take care of them i believe that they could exist in space no problem and then monstera are like the big ones with the big like leaves that go you guys can't see i'm doing it with my fingers but also if you're listening to this google it um and they're also pretty easy to take care of i've never killed one have you tried yeah i like i forgot i forget i have a very i'm very forgetful

so have i tried no but in some ways, yes. I'll just leave. I just I'll leave and I won't even think about it. What do you guys make of what do you guys make of all the UFO shit that's going on right now? Real. Real. OK, that's that's a simple way to answer, Taylor. Well, the question isn't are the UFO is is this UFO shit real? Because we know UFOs are right.

Or that is the question. Is this real? We know UFOs are real, right? Or that is the question. Is this real? We know UFOs are real. A plastic sack could be a UFO, right? Right. That's true. That's true. I more meant like we know that there are aliens

or like whatever. No, we don't know that. Caleb doesn't think that to be true. I think that to be true. Now, it doesn't matter if I think it to be true. Yes. It doesn't matter if I think it to be true. It has yet to be proven.

Yes, but I mean like, but like, look but like we know what did you guys see that thing that just came out where they had like all the super serious military people being like we when we were flying our spacecraft we saw a fuck yeah that like space orb thing that like was over the ocean and went like that 60 miles in three seconds and could go through like different planes. Yeah. Pretty crazy. Taylor, did you see that? No.

I didn't. When you hear that, do you get scared or do you get excited? Honestly, a little part of me gets excited. I'm not as scared as I am of things that are a more present threat to my day my day to day life. But I also believe when it comes to something that big, Taylor's like, I can't, I don't have time for UFOs. There's abortion.

What am I going to, you know what I mean? Like, what am I really going to do? The truth is I do. I, maybe this is my own self esteem, but I think that human beings are probably not the smartest aliens in space,

right? Like we're probably not the smartest planet um and so i i think that if we ever came into contact with aliens they would be more advanced and smarter than us which is actually why it's so funny to send records into space yeah i mean they're like are they laughing at us yeah they're like really there are people who really criticize the record the original records being sent into space i've read some of the criticisms that people um since then or maybe at the time i don't really know what the timeline was of what i was reading but it was just basically someone being like the worst possible thing we could do if there is advanced life out there is tell them our exact location yeah found yeah like from a

military standpoint and i'm like well i don't know if it needs to be a military standpoint but i will say if aliens are real they totally might be i don't believe that they are but if they are they i mean sometimes i don't believe i don't really know what i believe but i don't really it isn't when i hear it i go but if they are i don't want them to come here as long as i'm alive do whatever you want when i'm dead but don't come here during my time well you know people think that they are here sure they've been here they make decisions and yeah they're hillary and they're important yeah they're lizard people well i'm not like q and i'm like here's where i reveal that i'm like the the next thing I would include is all the Q posts.

Right. That is your vibe, though. You're very conservative politically. Yeah. As you know, I also only believe in conspiracy theories and everything. I question everything. Absolutely, babe. Trust no one, question everything, QAnon for president.

Yeah. My husband is Ron from the QAnon doc. No, that's not true. Stop. He terrifies me me taylor would you ever run for public office no taylor what would you put next on your taylor said no so quick it's like all right well i guess i really i don't know maybe what listen listen i think it was so exciting having um our out mentally ill president. I think that was like, honestly. Barack Obama, she says. She goes off. But for me, I don't know that I'm strong enough for that.

You know what I mean? I think being on TV is hard. I think one person is like, ew. And I'm like, stop. Get off my page. Don't talk to me like that seriously stop leave my tumblr now taylor post a video and puts it on her story highlights that's just like hey if you guys are gonna be mean could you just head off my page

get off my page hey guys you don't have to be here just remember that my page is so funny it feels so antiquated to say my page. Well, guess what? I'm a little older than you. Did you or did you not the other day watching a movie from 10 years ago? That wasn't me. That wasn't me, doll. Taylor and I watched a movie with comedian and influencer Holmes Holmes.

And Holmes asked Taylor Taylor the movie was The Roommate from 2011. And Taylor turns... I don't know what that is. Is that okay? It's fine. It's a 2011 horror movie that isn't very good. Oh, scary. Holmes turns to Taylor who is... Taylor's four years older than us and Holmes goes, oh my god, Taylor,

did people really dress like that? Back then. Back then? We were like, I mean, how old were we? We were like 15 or something? I was in college, though, so I was like, yes, we did. Big belts. Yeah, we did do that.

Yeah. Also, the roommate is tame. Like, they don't wear any color in that movie. Like, it actually was worse than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They actually tried to clean it up a little bit. They were like, let's fix this. I don't know if you guys remember leggings that stopped mid-calf but would you

put them what an interesting choice leggings to stop mid-calf on or off your record well if i put listen if i put leggings that stop mid-calf on my on my record at this point then i'm just trying to confuse them and if that's what we're trying to do then let's do it let's put hit clips on the record let's put whatever on the record if we're worried about sending this up because of giving away our location and like them wanting to fight us we should we should be sending some decoys that's true actually if aliens showed up to earth and they and we had sent those leggings into space and they came and they were wearing like half calf leggings with uh boots and we were like ew you guys we got to bully them i mean you look so stupid but it would help us identify them but i would laugh i would bust i would love it oh my Ugg boots and we were like, we got to bully them. I mean, you look so stupid,

but it would help us identify them. But I would laugh. I would bust. I would love it. Oh my God. Wait, it is so smart to send them stuff that they would try to blend in with. That is incorrect.

Yeah. Yeah. Like if we only sent them like culottes or something. Yeah. And we could be like, yes, that's an alien. We know that because they're being fucking weird. So weird.

Especially if there was a group of them together and they were like, we're here and they're in their cool. They're in like those cargo Capri pants that European men wear a lot. You know, I'm talking about men's Capris. Yes. Fuck men's Capris. And I know I've said this before.

Fuck men's Capris. Fuck Europe. Fuck Europe. Fuck men's Capris. And you know those. What happened? you know those sneakers i've said this before we talked about this like five times on the pod no once they're so smooth sneakers that european men wear are you talking about like leathery sneakers yes they have like no texture or design the flat smooth sneaker that a european man will or or like a straight american man who can't understand it they make me physically ill i know it's really hard i dated i dated a guy uh who i mean probably more than one, who I remember on more than one occasion

for events or performance purposes, he showed up in the same suit, a black suit, white button-down shirt, red, bright red tie. No, the straight guy uniform. New balance sneakers and a backpack. I'm going to KMS. No, no, no.

No, no. Nope. Yeah. You know you make me wanna No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I mean straight men, straight men love to wear, they also love to do a black pant, a black shirt, a super bright tie and then a black jacket like bitch can you please get a grip. Wait, I have to send you guys i have to show you guys a shoe that makes me upset i tweeted about a shoe that makes me upset last night this one's just sort of is the same shoe no it's like those disgusting little curled up

loafers that people sometimes wear this isn't the smooth ones this is just another shoe that i haven't gotten to see it yet. I'm going, I'm going. It makes me so angry. It's really not even that bad. It's pretty bad because it's like the front of the shoe is a different shoe than the back of the shoe. They look like Nike shocks, but aren't quite there. Wait, we got to include all these shoes that we don't like.

Hold on. I'm going to send you guys the ones I'm talking about. From the side, they look like jazz shoes. From the side, they look like those jazz shoes that girls wear that have the rubber heel, and then they bend in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys know jazz shoes. What do you guys think of these ones? These ones piss me the hell off.

Are they going to be the kind that makes me mad oh yeah no these ones well because you know this person's fucked up you know what i mean this is an individual who needs but will not seek help oh but this is like a whole this is like a whole community though this is like a i can't stand these guys for a community this is a community of this is murray hill murray hill this is coming for a community. This is a community. This is Murray Hill. Murray Hill. This is Murray Hill. This is a big, this is whole parts of New,

this is Fidei. This is, you know, this is whole neighborhoods. I hate those shoes so fucking much. They make me sick to me stomach. I actually think that's like a, they're like a safety thing for women. Like if you see a man wearing those,

like don't, like they freak, they scare me. They're like frat guy. They're like adult safety thing for women like if you see a man wearing those you like don't like they freak they scare me they're like frat guys they're like adult frat guy shoes caleb what do we call the smooth leather sneakers i don't know and how do we find them i feel like i want to google on the pod right now like european guys wear these sneakers i'm trying so hard because i'd like to send them your way but goog... Googling smooth leather sneakers doesn't work? I tried that, and then I also tried European leather sneakers. Hold on, hold on.

Mike, keep this in. Ew, ew, ew. This is all part of it. I'm gonna give it a go. It's a version. This is a version, but then do you know the ones that have almost no sole? They're so flat.

We gotta find them for the Instagram, because this is a version, but the ones that have almost no soul they're so flat we gotta find them for the instagram because this is a version but they're the ones that we're talking about are like scoopy fucking goofball ass like they're just like fucking you know i'm talking about wait are you wait do you know do you remember that i don't remember quite which era this was it also might have been like 2011 wherever the men would wear these like it would they were kind of like sneakers but they were like square toed. Yes. American Eagles.

American Eagle sneakers. Yeah. Those sneakers. I was just like, I don't know if this is it. And they would wear them with like wide leg pants. Yes. Those are wide leg jeans. Those are horrible.

Why can't I find exactly what I want? Me. Me. Me about life. Maybe they don't make them anymore. Me dating. Me on dating apps. Why can't I find exactly what I want?

Why can't I find exactly what I want? Why can't I find exactly what I want? I want to see ugly men in ugly little shoes doing ugly little things with their ugly little feet. Oh, my God. I just found a... Okay. I really do think... Taylor, what else would you put on your records? Hold on.

I found... Well... Okay, okay, okay. Stop springing it on me. Well, babe, I mean, after... I think after a minute 15 of the sneaker chat, it's springing it on me well babe i mean after i think after a minute 15 of the sneaker chat it's it's springing it starts to seem appropriate would it be would it be um shelby needlessly controversial to put uh like records of my group chats on the record like do you want to do that i feel like that would cancel some of your friends just knowing the way you are it really would excuse me you know you are a conservative

i'm doing so here's the thing okay i'm listening for real so it's right here's the thing like i i do yes that is the risk right and would i ever do it on earth no but in space it's like it would be the most honest version of human communication. Because everyone's interacting as though they think no one's going to see it. And frankly, anything else we're sending is like incredibly edited. So someone would have to be brave enough to send their group chats. And you think you are? You think you are?

I mean, like I said, I would never do it on planet Earth. She'd pick the one where she looks really good yeah i would be i would pick all the ones i'm like no guys don't where you push back on something where you're like don't no stop don't stop he's never talking shit she doesn't come in till the end and she goes i don't know i think we're being a little harsh i don't know i think i think that person like they mean well i think that person means well they mean well everybody has trauma i actually think that's a brilliant inclusion is that okay to say caleb are you mad at me for saying that what the group text yeah I think that person means well. They mean well. Everybody has trauma. I actually think that's a brilliant inclusion. Is that okay to say?

Caleb, are you mad at me for saying that? What? The group text? Yeah. Oh, I think it's absolutely brilliant. I actually love this idea. I am getting pretty triggered by Taylor saying everyone has trauma. That's actually a really big pet peeve of mine.

But I don't want to get into that because I want to talk about how brilliant this inclusion is. Yeah. Talk about the good things I said. Yeah. Never about the bad things. It's so smart. No, I mean, you know, I won't get into it. No, I love this inclusion is. Yeah. Talk about the good things I said. Yeah. Never about the bad things. It's so smart. No, I mean the,

you know, I, I know I won't get into it. Um, no, I love this inclusion. I think you're so right that that's when people are being the most honest. And I feel like,

I feel like two aliens need to know that we're like really funny. Yeah. Also, how many times like have you, uh, I mean like the, the worst parts are when you're talking shit, right?

Like that's when you feel like that you're your worst self but at the same time everybody does it and I feel that sometimes especially growing up like that's when some great friendships were made that's when friendships that's when great friendships were made like that's when you're great your closest friendships were made like you would be like I also I also get a bad vibe um talking shit can be really powerful yeah can i say that talking shit being like i just i'm saying i get a bad vibe and that's the hardest shit i'll ever talk talking shit is literally political it's political and it's also it's also i mean there's a whole i read a whole article once about how gossiping was uh a way that like he's plugging

i don't even know the article i can't even plug the actually if the author hears this they won't they'll be so mad at me because i don't even know who they are oh i've i've also heard yeah that gossiping protected women and queer people yeah it really did and also it was like uh it was it showed that women more than men had a this really great understanding about how their societies worked and like where everybody stood in them and people's relationships um but then because of their the bonds that were created through gossiping, men started to vilify it by being like, it's petty and it's stupid and it's small-minded

and don't talk to each other. Don't talk to each other. Wait, gossip is so cool. Gossip is badass. It's important. Gossip is badass as long as, I think the main rule of gossip is that when you, if and when you get

caught gossiping about someone you you then you it's your ethical duty to be like i did say that and yeah you have to own up to it and also i will say the other there's two big rules to gossiping number one if you get caught just own it shall we get your mic off the screen and then the other and then and then the other big rule of gossiping shall be spreading her microphone on the screen being a goof giving me a fucking goofball. Um, Shelby, Shelby, it's giving goofball. Um, and the other big rule is that, um, you're not allowed to do it about me. No one has ever talked bad about me.

For sure. And that's awesome. And I, that's why I think I love gossip so much is because it has never been about me. Well, that's one of the, like, uh, that's one of the like karmic exchanges of, because also you're taking that on right like if you're like you know that every time you you just talk like mindless shit about somebody else it's like poisoning your own mind and you're taking that on so you better you better really you ready be ready for that bargain but also the second rule is you don't talk about

caleb yeah yeah no one's ever gossiped about you guys no one's ever gossiped about me no one's ever gossiped about mike we've never been gossiped about if i ever heard ever gossiped about you guys. No one's ever gossiped about me. No one's ever gossiped about Mike. We've never been gossiped about. If I ever heard someone gossiping about Mike, I would kick their ass. I would fuck. Let me tell everyone listening right now. If I hear you guys talk bad about Mike, I will kill you. And then I will kill someone you love. In reverse order. I'll do them first.

Yeah, I was going to say. In reverse order. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Taylor, hey, what else would you put on your records is there anything you're crazy passionate about i feel like we've gotten we're getting pretty close to our uh end point here um yeah of course listen there's a bunch of things i ramble about all the time um mostly my fears and i wouldn't include any of those like robots that can play soccer but um naturally naturally naturally naturally we're all worried how are they learning the logic

etc but no i i mean my mine are mine are simple mine are the same as anyone else not a good non-stick pan you know um you've been really into non-stick pants this week i know it's because you're moving and it feels important. Yeah. Yeah. But it's also just like, that's one of those small luxuries of life that everyone deserves. It's just like you deserve for your food to slide right out of your pan onto your plate.

You shouldn't have to scrape your eggs off with all the bunch of other shit that's still in there from something else you cooked in the morning before you go to your job. Like that's a, that's a luxury that every single person deserves um even aliens even if they're trying to destroy us taylor if you could only include one song in all of human history what would it be uh loving loving this club by usher i wanna make love in this club in this club in this club i wanna make love in this club.

In this club. That's a hot track. On the floor. It's really good. I would yodel. I'm going to add yodeling to it. I'll let you have that song, but I'm going to add me yodeling. I want to make love in this club.

In this club. That's hot. Wait, we're good. Guys, look at the shoes I just put in. I mean, we have to catalog all these links so we can put them out for other new shoes in the chat i just i just dropped new shoes just dropped my shoes are loading oh boy i mean i would wear these shoes when i waited tables no this was my table waiting yes maybe not this exact brand but these are my table waiting shoes it It was this or Crocs. Fuck those shoes.

Fuck those shoes. $64 for one of the worst things I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. They make me, I feel like $64 is really good for sneakers though. I could get you more. I could get you sneakers for, for $55. I could get you sneakers 10 times more fashionable than that.

You acted like $55 was going to be such a huge huge no no no no no no no 10 times the fashion okay 10 times the fashion 10 times more fashionable than the macbeth men's brightened shoes consider it babe consider it babe i don't know if that exists okay and one last inclusion of shoes because i'm upset by them is gonna be the nike shocks and i'm just gonna go ahead and send them in no need to send them in wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait probably had a real cultural moment with these not these ones i never owned the these because i never needed extra help and you are in favor well here's the thing i wore shocks okay so you can say so here's the thing i these have a function to absorb shock barely when you're when you're

jumping or when you're show you can't say you don't know you don't know i when you're skipping or when you're playing basketball or something these are meant to absorb shock as a hooper as an absolute baller yeah who is also only five feet tall yeah you're a little small for a hooper yeah i gotta let you know the shocks don't do the trick you gotta you gotta get a different push no what am I supposed to wear when I'm hooping? Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, I want to ask you something. Hey, what is something so embarrassing in all of humanity that you think we should delete it from the record of humanity? And before you answer, these don't say anything really scary. Don't don't say don't say drumpf or war. Racism.

Okay, I won't shelby loves racism no yeah well that's how it sounds taylor what's your thing okay i think my thing is gonna be and and let me remind if this isn't a i'm from new jersey but italians i would say she's getting out Italians listen I couldn't because then I'd have to go to space um I simply couldn't um no the bump it

you guys know what a bump it is yeah we all know Snooki getting rid of listen are a lot of Italians gonna end up in space that way yeah to preface that you're from New jersey on the bump it that's so funny i didn't know if that was a regional commercial is the thing you can't really tell with stuff like that well i think it was right and then snooki happened yeah but

snooki was probably doing snooki didn't need like the girls like snooki and like that community um they they don't need a bump it they know how to do that they know how to do this was like a legitimate like real hairstyle that you would do and you really that's the bump it is a scam because you just twist your hair and push it up yeah you twist your hand push it up or you tease down i did it like all through college i would do the i would do the bump as we all know i was in college a long time ago because i'm older than everybody it gives you a lot of volume. It does. And you have your hair on the sides.

Oh my God. I look like the lady who won't sell cake to gay people. I look like her. Don't I? She says, you do whatever you want in your own home. I mean, I look like a Duggar, but it's supposed to look hot. It's supposed to look like a Duggar.

I look like I have 17 kids in tow. was like jameson duggar i don't know what they're doing jameson duggar jameson duggar taylor no i look like the mom the mom jameson our name is jameson taylor, you've been a simply amazing guest. Both of the pod and of the house. Before you go, we have a quick question. What would you rate our Airbnb? Oh, okay. How many stars are on Airbnb?

You just remind me I have to do an Airbnb rating I forgot to do from an actual Airbnb I stayed at. So thank you. This isn't a real Airbnb. This isn't real. Could never hack it on the site. Let's start with comfort. Five stars, four stars, three stars, two stars, one star? Zero stars?

You know, comfort, physical comfort or emotional comfort? We'll do both. Okay. So physical comfort, as you guys know, I'm sharing pull out with um with homes we sleep butt to butt a choice that you guys made we offered you solutions we offered you solutions to that but go ahead it's that or we this morning it's not the first time but this morning we did wake up like like you guys you can't see but mouth open like mouth to mouth open a gape you Yeah, yeah, yeah. A gape.

You guys put a pillow in between the two of you one night because when I went over in the morning, there was a pillow in the middle of the bed as if to say, stay on your side. Don't fuck me. Don't even try. Don't. No, we have two different bedrooms in the place we're moving into. So kind of an upgrade. But no, 10 out of 10 on comfort, 10 out of 10 emotional, physical comfort. I've loved it here. we have two different bedrooms in the place we're moving into so kind of an upgrade um but no i would

10 out of 10 on comfort 10 out of 10 emotional physical comfort i've loved it here i only have good and amazing ratings um it's great out here in the guest house in the guest is that what you guys call it the guest house life is good in the guest house we call we call it good in the guest house the the retreat we call it we call it a little slice of heaven because that's what it is. Yeah, I do have to know. There's a small fridge. It's an oven? That is a stove that my mom bought me at a yard sale.

And it has moved with me from state to state. And it is light as a feather. I guessed that it was a stove, yeah. it's a dream to move and it's been with me for years it yeah it looks like the it looks like it would exist in like a very old um like it kate like you would have gotten here and they would have been like we can't we can't get rid of it and and that should be the answer caleb's ignoring me because he gets mad about the stove because it's so heavy i don't want to talk shit on the stove because your mom is an avid listener to the pod and i have so much respect for her that i would never

speak ill of the stove god oh my god sorry i'm a mom guy knowledge we can't acknowledge that the stove looks like it predates i'm a mom boy this how the house it's in i'm a mom boy i've always been a mom boy i'm a mama's boy for other people's moms the stove does predate i have seen you i've seen that behavior frankly predates los angeles i've witnessed that behavior it does yeah the stove predates los angeles it predates new york it predates it's the first thing ever built yes that's the thing i would have been obsessed with when i was a kid i love uh well you'll see when you come to the house that we, the home that we build,

you'll see all the old shit I put in it. Taylor, is there anything you want to tell the guests about where they can find you and how they can keep up with you? Yeah, absolutely. Um, so I'm on Instagram at Taylor Tega,

T-A-Y-L-O-R-T-E-G-A. Um, and that's kind of like it because I, social media stresses me out. So if you're going to stop by, be freaking nice to me. Okay. Be nice on my page. Don't make me private my page.

Be nice on my page. I thought I unplugged my mic, but I didn't. I love that. You better be nice on my page. Be nice on my page. And then, yeah, I'm on television sometimes, so you'll probably catch me there. Welcome to Flatch on Fox coming this winter oh yeah coming sometime this winter we're pretty sure we're pretty sure we're pretty sure we hope to i don't know what mid-season means well goodbye taylor

you've been an amazing to you goodbye to everything that we discussed hey we love you hey love you too thank you so much for having me in every single way that you have bye Taylor and keeping records heads you know give us give us a rating after you listen to this one go over to Apple Podcasts

last time we asked for them it worked y'all did it and I want more. Give us reviews. Tell a friend. Follow us on everything. I'm hungry. Hungry for more. Ciao. That was a Hidgum Original.