Keeping Records - The Higher the Heel, the Closer to God

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

It has been a week of fending off requests from incredibly rich and famous celebrities, Nobel Prize laureates, the greatest writers, mathematicians, and physicists of our age, emails coming in four times an hour—"Please, please allow this unbelievably brilliant environmental scientist to personally curate a Golden Record to send into outer space!" "Caleb and Shelby, this former President of the United States needs to guest on the show this week, it's incredibly important." "You guys, we will give you a quarter of a million dollars if you allow this star of a classic '90s sitcom to talk about The Culture™️ with you in order to reinvigorate his career." We said no to all of them. And we did it for you, the listener. Caleb and Shelby sit down for another episode of just the two of them. They sing a little, they preach a little, the cry a little, they bark a little. They talk their evolving living situations, some of their own Golden Record picks and Delete-Its, and some of YOUR Golden Record picks and Delete-Its. Artifacts Discussed Cheez-It Christmas The feeling of finding a four leaf clover The music of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark Dogs with Frito feet Shrek 2 Auntie Anne’s in the airport Fergie singing the American National Anthem Mariah Carey singing "All I Want for Christmas is you" live Ranch dressing Dollar General brand mac and cheese Couture fashion (not Juicy Couture) The feeling of being so happy to see your friends that you cry Getting stoned and drinking coffee  -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we've done it again we've stacked our bank accounts with we've done it again we have no waistlines and zero blemishes we've done it again we are what you think we are which is too good for you we've done it again we fuck anyone we want wherever we want that's right we went to jail this weekend for public sex. Because we wouldn't stop fucking people on the bus.

That's right. We ride the bus in LA. We're some of the only people who are brave enough to ride the bus in LA and also fuck on it. I wasn't even doing butt stuff on there. I was doing straight up oral. With? Somebody who was into it with butt stuff with consenting butt and mouth stuff with the butts in the mouths i was doing if there was an orifice what were you doing it was getting filled you were filling orifices no

people were filling mine you guys we are so excited why was it okay when you were saying it well because i'm a boy oh i forgot women are virgins i got i got a podcast request today i'm i'm kind of nervous to say this i got a podcast well I agreed to do a podcast. They want me to log on multiple days. They want me to be nude. No, they want me to log on multiple days beforehand to do a quality of my audio check. Multiple days or like a few days ahead? A few days ahead. They want me to do a separate session.

There were multiple days of checks. Like, is it good on Monday? Well, let's check if it's good on Wednesday. No, it's like, it's like instead of just like when we hop on being like how's your stuff make sure you have a microphone they want me to schedule a whole other session but i thought that was insane i have a whole life people try to do this all the time you do like a zoom show or something and the producers are like we're gonna be and i'm like i get it i know i know i know i know but if something's gonna go wrong it's gonna go i don't even know where i'm gonna be sometimes when i do stuff i might not be here i might be traveling i am traveling you're doing it while

we're in new york well that's when i they would they asked me to do the check while i'm in new york guys if you're listening to this right now and you live in new york and there happens to somehow be any tickets available for tonight's show you should buy a ticket this comes out on friday and the show's on Saturday. The show's on Saturday? You don't know. You're doing two shows in New York and you don't know when they are? They're Saturday? Yeah, babe.

Right? They're Friday, babe. No, they're not. Yes, they are. No, you're so wrong about that. I don't think that I am. No, they can't be. Caleb, I'm pretty sure.

I really think I've been on so many emails about this. Yeah, it's Saturday. Mike says in the chat. Everyone's lying to me. You're not being gaslit this time. I really think I've been on so many emails about this. Yeah, it's Saturday. Mike says in the chat. Everyone's lying to me. You're not being gaslit this time. I'm being gaslit. Not this time, babe. This time you're just wrong.

Women can be wrong. No. Now you're getting canceled. It is Saturday. Now that is crazy. Do you want to apologize to the pod? No. No. If you guys are listening to this,

you guys should come to the show tomorrow. I hope it'll be sold out by then. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying it for some reason. Do you think there's been a point yet in the podcast where people have realized that we're not going to have a guest this week again? We're not having a guest, guys. We're not having a guest. Instead, we're going to have a guest this week again. We're not having a guest, guys.

We're not having a guest. Instead, we're going to have a go about. We're just going to talk a bit in the house. Guys, we only live together for a couple more weeks. Oh, my God. We haven't talked about this. I know. I'm letting him know.

Shelby Is refusing To live with me again Caleb sat me down Caleb I was kind of in and out of the house This was a moment where I was not Sticking around Caleb said I actually have to have a conversation with you

About something that's kind of annoying That is exactly what I said I said okay well obviously I'm he was like not now not now but just like at some point we have to conversation it's kind of annoying I said well we can have it now because otherwise um I'll think about it there's really no way to you know you can't move huh right so then I was like what's up and then um we famously hate our lamp i hope he's listening i hope he's listening um this motherfucker i don't i don't know if we ever talked about this part on the pod i think we did but we i put spray chalk on the side of our guest house for a party once and he happened to come by the house and it wasn't completely washed off yet and he referred to it as the graffiti on the side of the home spray chalk he washes off with rain bad man you fucking goober he's a bad man you know

i don't think he is here's what i think he is i think he is a landlord let that sink in spend a moment with that now let that now you gotta understand you gotta understand i'm somebody who wants to be a landlord so i want but i want to do it the right way i want to go i want to be a landlord i want to own multiple i want to own a slew of multi-family properties yikes in upcoming neighborhoods yeah where i slowly raise the price over of the rent oh well that doesn't sound that bad no i'm not. People say all kinds of nasty things about this. I want to buy property in an area that is not quite hip yet.

Ideally, you know, get the people who are living there right now out for a bit. Yeah, kick them out for a little bit, remodel it so that it can be nice. Yeah, because it's not nice right now. They live there and it's not nice. Yeah, they don't have like, you know, they don't have like gold sink fixtures and stuff. Yeah, get a brushed chrome handle on your door. Yeah. So I want to get them out for a little bit, ask them to go do something else,

and then invite them back and tell them what the new rent is and it'll be a little bit higher. And then over the next couple of years, I want to keep raising the rent so that I can make maximal profits. And ideally talk to a few businesses locally and see if they'd want it not locally out outside of the local well right and see if they want to invest locally yeah favorite i want to bring in people's favorite stores target whole food you know i don't i don't i want one of those amazon bookstores yeah i want to get there's something so crazy to me about amazon bookstores being a physical brick and mortar store go and use them people go and actually use them can you believe

that it is so crazy to me to think amazon was out of time sort of just like an online bookstore barely and then now and then took over the world and sort of a really overwhelming way yeah and now they quite simply have a brick and mortar store on south port in chicago and here i saw one recently and i said no why what are we talking about actually uh you want to gentrify a couple neighborhoods so obviously that's a joke um so um so caleb doesn't want to live with the cat anymore and that can be powerful i hate the cat the cat is one of the most annoying creatures i've ever spent time with i actually need to address something about the cat on the internet if you don't admit in this recording that the cat is annoying oh

she's annoying a lot of the time that's not. That's not what I'm coming for the people. Oh, people want to know about. People thought that she always, I think people always thought she kind of looked like she looks right now, which is shamed. Ugly and horrendous, yeah. Because I posted a picture of her and a lot of you little freaks messaged me and were like, oh, we get Caleb's point of view. The cat doesn't always look like that. I'm not saying you can't agree with caleb you're allowed to but in this moment

right the thing that you're agreeing with him on is not it doesn't make sense you guys sound so stupid what do you think of cancel culture and comedy go for it no what do you think of it go for it i think go for it what are you saying go for it what do think go for it. What are you saying? Go for it. What do you think is cancel culture's impact on comedy? Powerful. Okay. Would you say negative or positive?

Strong. Would you say it's good or bad? I don't understand the question. I think you do. Where's this coming from? I've just been thinking about it. You're strong pro. Pro cancel culture?

Yeah. I don't know. I get hung up because a lot of times the people that say they're being canceled are just like old comedians that nobody cares to hear from. It's like 70 year old. It's like Jay Leno. I don't know how old he actually is. Like Jay Leno or Dave Chappelle or somebody.

Dave Chappelle's doing well. No, it's just like I saw some things today about it. And one of them was Jay Leno being like, if you don't conform to the rules, you're out of the game. I don't know how he talks. Just old comedians being like cancel culture and comedy it's completely changed the blah blah and it's like you're 50 years into this business of course you're not keeping up it's okay that you're not keeping up you have so much money go do some to hang out but all that being said we are so excited for

our guest today ladies and gentlemen you know him from television mr jay and one of his cars hey guys hey jay i don't have more to say like him no hey jay what is going on with your jaw listen it just keeps growing what is that jay you don't sound like yourself i'm so sick i'm so sick oh hi there everybody my name is jay leto my one of my favorite. That was Obama mixed with. That's exactly how you were sounding. Like Mulaney. That's exactly how you were sounding. I know,

but it's so funny. One of my favorite song lyrics of all time is when Tech N9ne says, these girls are serving more jaw than Jay Leno. That's fucking cool way to say, give him blowies. Serving more jaw than Jay Leno. Serving more jaw than Jay Leno. Serving more jaw than jay leno serving more jaw than jay leno that's a that's in terms of like what do you think is the coolest way to say give a blow job

dome dome mine's throwing mine's throwing neck um sucking one back Mike just looked at me in such a scary way he's so mad Mike's mad at us Mike's been mad at us ever since we said we couldn't do a video this week there will not be a video with this episode I look bad I'm sitting on the couch my computer's underneath me put it on me we can videotape me and Mike's been mad ever since you can put put it on a video. Just show me that. That should be funny. It's just me. And it's a part where you're talking only. And I'm looking at you like this. Do you think we should read out loud what Mike is saying in the chat?

He's disparaging his employers. He said, Jake and Amir have been misusing the company Miata? What the fuck, man? Okay, here we go. Let's talk about life. Well, now I couldn't look worse. We all agree. Yes!

Yeah! No, this looks amazing. I'm sitting on the butt of the guitar Jeff gave to Caleb that he hasn't touched. I've touched it.

And he didn't give it to me. I bought it from him. Let's be clear about that. I'm begging you to just go where you go go to your spot shall we place no look how cute i look okay here we are what's going on in the culture do you know what tongue hulu is who what say that once more do you know what tongue hulu is tongue hulu tongue hulu yeah it's where you make out while you're watching hulu god i wish that was true no it's something that i keep seeing on my instagram reels uh that's right folks i watch instagram reels we found them we found who's keeping instagram reels afloat i won't get a tiktok i love instagram reels which is like the b-sides of tiktok it's all

of the worst shit of people who are desperate to get noticed. So they put it on Instagram too. And I can't get enough. So I'm watching Instagram reels. And people are making a lot of Tonghulu. Now what's Tonghulu? Tonghulu is when you melt sugar but you don't mix it. And then you put a food in it. And then you put it in ice really quick. And it like makes a sugar coating.

And people have gotten really funky with it. And now they're doing it with i just saw a video of someone doing it with steak what is melting sugar you just you put it sugar in a little pot and you wait till it melts you might add water i don't know but it is literally just to make it so that it melts down you can dip something in it and almost like fondue but then when you take it out and put it in ice water it hardens and then it has people are always like ting ting see it's hard and then they and then um people were doing it with fruit which i think is how traditionally done i think in like thailand but don't quote me on that um

but now people are just sort of doing it with other things and i just saw someone do it with steak and that's where i want to talk about um it's disgusting to do that with steak you know it'd be really good with bacon bacon and sugar is very good it's like candied bacon yes but isn't that normally with brown sugar yeah typically but i'm sure this thing this could work okay i mean i love that i would love for this to work for bacon bacon does not get enough attention. I would love for this to work for Bacon. Bacon does not get enough attention, and I would love for something to finally work for Bacon. Bacon actually had like a really inappropriately large cultural moment a couple years ago. Hmm.

Yeah. It was like t-shirts and like Ron Swanson and all that. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I guess I do. Hey, where are you going to live when we move out of this house? Wouldn't I like to know? I'm working on that. I can't decide what's crazier your situation or mine you don't know where you're gonna live and that's of course crazy i do know where i'm gonna live but folks caleb said he didn't want to live with my cat too

annoying he's living with four other people can Can't imagine that'll be less annoying. Wow. Really going out on a limb saying that about people, you know, and love. Oh, it's not the people. It's the number of people being in your space all the time. We'll cut Mike.

Let's cut all this bad stuff that Shelby said about my new roommates. And then just clip to the part where she said, it's about the number of people. Um, I know. Well, I'm going to be basically my situation is I'm'm gonna be out of town a lot for the next year i think and so i wanted the cheapest rent imaginable if we weren't going to continue living

together me you and the cat and i i did offer to put the cat in a box and ship it to anywhere in the world um but you hated that because you love the cat um and now you're looking for a place and you're gonna have me over a lot i think though whoa yeah like i'll come over i had never even thought about it like that having me over you didn't think about no no of course i did um i imagine um quite a bit i own the projector i could i could sleep on the couch a couple nights a week a couple going through divorce the husband really desperately trying to stay involved with the kids he's like the couch would be fine i liked the couch actually our whole marriage i really liked the guys sometimes even more comfortable than the bed i'll sleep there as long as i get to wake the kids up in the morning

i'll sleep i'll sleep there i love the cat the cat actually isn't that bad after all. I love the cat. What was I going to ask you about? I was going to ask you about, oh, did we get any listener picks for this one? Well, I didn't ask for them, so that's actually pretty powerful. Wait, should I go live on our Instagram? Yes, do it. Do it right now. Hold on, and then invite me and i'll join hey you guys um shelby and i are

recording an episode of the podcast as we speak and i'm saying this sort of to nobody because nobody's joined yet um and shelby's got her sound on so it's really turn that off for sure yeah don't worry hey you guys uh if you missed this explanation shelby and i are recording an episode of the podcast right now um there's oh god hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on i'll mute myself um we want to know if you guys have any oh people are requesting to join that's no you guys can't join because we just have to talk to you for a second but yeah we love no we love you guys oh my god oh my god people are listening to the podcast and watching the live oh my god iconic guys we're recording the podcast right now

yes and we want to know put in the comments what are some things that you would put on your guys's records yeah carl pork yeah can we get a bark oh my phone's on 10 oh my god um yikes can we get a bark oh we love you yeah quickly you guys are following the prompt cheese it's-Its. Okay. Cheez-Its. Now that's interesting. I had some today actually. What? Cheez-Its has been put on. I did not see Cheez-Its.

Oh yeah. Oh, did you put a question in? Wigberg forever says Cheez-Its. The feeling of finding a four-leaf clover. Are those the lucky ones or the gay ones? The lucky ones. Which one's the gay ones? I didn't know clovers could be gay.

I meant Irish. Sorry. There's lucky ones and there's Irish ones, right? I think they're the same. It's the luck of the Irish. Oh. Maybe there is a gay one. Christmas.

Shelby, you celebrate Christmas. Never have in my life, but I'm willing to start. Okay. Oh, wait. Sequintassel says, but I'm willing to start. Okay. Oh, wait. Sequintassel says, was talking to a friend about this today. He said, the music from the Spider-Man musical. I didn't know there was a Spider-Man musical. Did you?

I did because something bad happened with it. I'm pretty sure like in pre-production, someone fell off with the harness. Bad time. Why were you why were you giggling i just um for that to be the only thing i know about the musical feels um the l and lgbtq stands for irish or the i the i and lgbtqi stands for irish I and LGBTQI stands for Irish. Someone said dogs with Frito feed. And here's what I have to know. What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is dogs? Shrek 2, never seen it. Auntie Anne's in the airport is an incredible pick. Thank you for that. Wigberg forever. Fergie singing the national anthem anthem i haven't seen that one I've seen Whitney Houston sing the national anthem, and honey, I support it. I know we've gone really pro-Mariah on the pod.

Right. But Mariah Carey singing All I Want for Christmas is You live. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes. When she really fucked it up. Yes. you live do you know what i'm talking about yes when she really fucked it up yes that was tough ranch dressing someone is adding to the records now ranch dressing to me is an incredible pick it goes with everything it goes with pizza it goes with chicken wings it goes with chicken tenders it goes with tater tots it goes with french fries it go if you are somebody who eats salad you know god help you

it can go on the salad abby i'm so sorry you did miss the barking segment and um steph if you ever listen to my episode of crushes with diana ortiz i put the tie-dye girl from parent trap on there silk chiffon music video life's so fun life's so fun that is a good video i liked it a lot someone just said balsamic is better than ranch we have to end the live yeah well that's all yep that's it that's the end of the live okay thank you guys balsamic someone saidalsamic. I want you guys to know the reason we're ending the live is because said Balsamic is much better. Don't name her. Yes, I will.

She did it on the live. We are out of here. We're leaving the live now. We love you, girl, but you went too far. Oh, someone said Dollar General brand macaroni and cheese shells. Yeah, we still got to go, though. Love you guys. That was interesting. What do you think of our fans earnestly i really love them i love our fans i do they're not well though i will say

they're not well people the balsamic thing was fucked up yeah a lot of our fans are and we'll believe her name of course there's no free call for the girlies but a lot of our fans are and we'll believe her name of course there's no free call for the girlies but a lot of our fans are i will say first of all faggots no i will say a lot of our fans are faggots no are in the technical clinical sense they're faggots no they're it's dudes doing stuff with dudes it's they's doing stuff with days okay it's girls doing stuff with girls there's a lot of faggots in the fan base do you think you could ever see yourself dressing in couture shelby in what capacity and actually would you put couture as a concept like couture fashion on the records or no i think yes but only but i would want to curate exactly what what that meant uh what do you mean

well juicy couture i wouldn't well that's not couture though but it but it by name like by name it could scoot in on a technicality and i want to make sure i could curate that out okay that's really smart thank you um i want the kind of couture that's like someone wearing like an oversized grocery bag down a runway is that couture isn't it isn't it i don't know let me look it up i should stop looking at you in case i want to use these james um me looking up couture gonna really change my ad algorithm but it's kind of like camp i don't really know what camp is yeah well like yeah there's this oh my god what yes i want this on the records hold on i'm sending it i'm sending it i'll be ready to click i'm sending it i'm sending

it i'm sending it okay she'll be sending one that looks like the person's in bed, but they're actually, it's a dress made out of like quilts. Um, Shelby is sending, Hmm. Okay. Someone who looks like the Hamburglar. If it was pink, Shelby is sending.

Okay. Well, I'm done clicking links, but I think Shelby sent a lot of really great options and we'll gather all of those for you guys. So what I mean is couture a lot of the time is something no one would ever fucking wear in a million trillion years. Right. It's like not even supposed to be like,

like a lot of times fashion shows are like, the coat is way too big. And it's like the coats this season are going to be big. Right. But not that big. Right. But couture is so far out there that it's like, there's not even a lesson to take from it.

Yeah, couture is like, your shoes are actually made of horse heads. And it's like, well, big. Right. But couture is so far out there that it's like, there's not even a lesson to take from it. Couture is like, your shoes are actually made of horse heads and it's like, well, girls. Right. And camp is different because camp is, I think couture is campy. Wow.

I don't know what camp is. I'm a bad gay. I really do not know. I could not tell you people. Someone's literally a, like a famous white woman who's been in a couple of movies, but like, I don't know,

have a Starbucks cup walking down the street, gaze on the internet. It'll be like camp. And I'm like, I believe you. But I can't prove it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Do you want to know the definition that's been written? Yeah.

Camp is an aesthetic style and sensibility that regards something as appealing because of its bad taste and ironic value. Because of its bad taste? The bad taste is ironic or it's ironic? I think like you like it and it's in bad taste and ironic value because of its bad taste the the bad taste is ironic or it's no i think like you like it and it's in bad taste like it's like but it's camp for me to like roseanne the original series i think roseanne might be camp roseanne herself as camp yes i don't think you liking it as camp whoa i think we really don't know what camp is huh well i think what we learned when the mac gala did the theme camp was that very few people uh right i think yeah i think i'll i just listen i know who to listen to like there are some people that say what camp is and

is not and i go they get to say it but i'm not somebody who can say it because i don't know anything well so now something else is coming to terms um this one says what does camp but in this situation it's spelled lowercase c capital amp fascinating mean lgbt it says what just can't mean lgbt so i'm like okay that might be the one lowercase c cocaine but then it said when the usage appeared in 1909 it denoted ostentatious exaggerated affected theatrical effeminate or homosexual behavior that's pretty cool banality mediocrity artifice and ostentation so extreme as to amuse so i think couture is camp okay okay and do you think it deserves to go on the records? Yes.

Yeah. I think there's something, but I want them to know that we don't wear it every day. Like I want, I want it to go on the records that they know that we do that. Cause I think it's really weird. Yeah. But then I want pictures of like what people actually wear. It's almost like a flip book where every picture is the opposite.

So it's like couture. And then it's like someone in like athleisure and then like couture and then someone in jeans and a tee. And then the aliens have to decide if it's camp. Yeah. That could be an activity for them. Oh my God. Wait, I actually have an idea for at the end of the,

at the end of the records, which is like a little, like a little coloring book with little activities, a workbook almost. But like a fun one, a fun workbook. Not to turn in. It's just for fun, like an adult coloring book type thing. It's like these are all the best things.

Color them in now. Yeah, what do you think? Like color in your own earth. Color in color. Hey, here's an outline of a beatles album color in the color with all the colors you can think of colored in whoa wait wait wait wait wait what if they're colorblind i was gonna go a completely different direction what if the aliens have colors we don't even know about what is it possible for colors to exist that you don't

know of i have gone down the rabbit hole of what if um yeah i know mike i've noticed but i don't know what to do to fix it um i think i have an idea mike just messaged shelby that her camera has lens flare if you guys are wondering what's going on between the two of them and mike has his work cut out for him editing this episode that's actually mike loves to edit that's one thing about mike it's mike's passions there we go now i'm just a girl in the window girl in the window girl now she's just a girl in a window i'm just a girl and i'm in a window she's just a girl in a window and i'm just the boy outside in my truck you wear short skirts i'm in the window you are you are outside and i'm sitting in the window i'm in the window um i'm in the window how many times have you had the thought of like

and i don't think i'm sure there's someone that's smart a scientist even who could who could give me the real answer but i don't like that answer yeah how how many times have you in your life thought this or am i alone in an island that like okay what if what i see is green you like you what fuck fuck i hate that go ahead sorry go ahead it's like okay we both call it green yeah but to you to you green is what i call red hate that and blue we call it the same thing so we would never really be able to know right we would be like oh that's blue right but it's actually when you're seeing different things like you see the world with a completely different like color lens on right like we but we have the same names for them

yes so we approach a stop sign like i'm not like what if you're colorblind i'm just saying we approach a stop sign and we both go and i see what what a stop sign actually is which is red and i go that's red and you go yeah that's red. And you go, yeah, that's red. But in your actual brain, you are actually seeing blue. Yeah, or what you call blue. But I'm like, that's red. You lost me. We're saying the same thing.

Oh, you just are stepping it out, which is like, yes, that I call it blue what you're seeing. Yes, but to me, I call it red. So it's actually like fully red to me as well. There's really no stakes at all to what you're seeing yes but to me i call it red so it's actually like fully red to me as well there's really no stakes at all to what you've presented no but it doesn't kind of but doesn't it kind of like trip your brain out a little yeah how how often have you does this is this like a high thought for you do you ever experience when i was little i thought about this every day of my life and were you ever high then i think all kids are high in a way they're well that's because they have you know

what you know what shelby all kids are high in a way because the world hasn't brought them down yet guys that's what we're trying to tell you we're trying to tell you guys something about the world you need to recapture your inner inner child. Your inner child. Your inner child knows a little something about play. Your inner child's in the window. Yeah. You need to go get your child out of the window. Your inner child.

Your inner child's in the window. I thought about it a lot as a kid. I think about it now like every so often. And it's not as bad as when I think about the size of space. But it is one of those things that I'm like, because it does nothing actually makes it worse. Because I can think about it for so long. And there's no way to prove or disprove it to myself. So I'm just like, okay.

At some point I have to reprimand myself for thinking too much. I'm like, okay, we've done this enough. We've spent enough time on this. Move on. For thinking about something for too long. Specifically this thing. Yeah. Yeah.

No. Um, I sometimes get really stressed out about, um, the size of the universe, as you know. Yes. And, um. Because it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense how big the universe is but how little we know about it come on yeah yeah yeah yeah every time they send us a little picture and say this is from a galaxy far away. Well, that doesn't make sense to me because I've barely even seen this galaxy.

I have seen that video probably a million times where they start with the Earth and then keep going to things that are bigger. And I think I am entitled to be really freaked out by that. And nobody wants to talk about it because they're not intellectuals. Every time I step on the beach now I see all of the sand And then I pick a little piece of sand And I say that's Earth in the entire galaxy Bigger than the galaxy, entire universe

So these are all going to be on our first album mike make that sound good yeah mike is gonna mix every single one of those into a song which is so awesome and and we're recording on tuesday and this comes out on friday like it's so good at that like make that sound good challenge mike did you know we're gonna be in new york this weekend cool he says yeah mike never talks to us on the pod which is fine which is fine which is fine Mike is so good at that kind of stuff. Mike, make that sound good challenge. Mike, did you know we're going to be in New York this weekend? Cool. He says, yeah. Mike never talks to us on the pod, which is fine, which is fine, which is fine, which is fine.

What do you think the last episode of this podcast will be like? Oh, my God. Are you bringing up with me? No, like 100 years from now when this podcast. Or maybe I guess we'll pass it off. Maybe we should put something in our wills about mike messaged the chat and said it's this episode all right guys well it was awesome talking to you for so many weeks that'd be crazy but what does it end with do we just have to like like what is this building towards do we actually i think it ends with maybe if i had to guess what we'll do and it'll change by the time we get there because we'll be podcast change and it'll,

you know, whatever, whatever, whatever. But I think we would have to just pick some of our favorites from all the past episodes and like have the last, like the final record. I think this podcast is building towards the natural conclusion.

Just so our fans know of us shooting it up to space, making these records and sending them into space and i'm talking about every contribution from every guest yeah i'm thinking at some point nasa takes this podcast yes and just sends the podcast to space yes with sort of a audio visual book of like you know what we do with the instagram page but maybe a little bit more robust because they're nasa and they can do that yes they have a bigger budget um and then we do a live recording on the moon i can't wait for our live show on the moon i really think it's going to change the culture that's going to be a cultural reset and we mean actually on the moon not like the way they faked

it in the late 60s yeah we're going to be the first people on the actual moon and we'll check for the footprints they won't be there to the footprints. They won't be there. We're going to go to the real moon. There won't be footprints and there won't be a flag. Because, babe, that was all done in Hollyweird. I've told you before about, have I talked on the podcast about conspiracy theorists before? I have not. Yeah, you're one. I have not.

Mike says no. I love conspiracy theorists. There's nothing I like more in the world. There's a whole subset of them that just think space generally is something that we are projecting into like a dome that we live inside. I think that's incredible. It actually, the problem with those conspiracy theories is I can see why they would do that. It does bring me peace to think, oh, we're not small. We are the only people.

We're the only thing. But it is stupid. But what I wanted to talk about was specifically, I've told you about her before, Caleb, my favorite conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe dinosaurs existed, which is a common conspiracy theorist. But she has a video where she takes like a ceramic pot. Yes. I don't know if you talked about it on the pod but you've certainly brought this up to me i know well because it's one of the funniest things in the world to me yes she's

someone with country uh crunchy curls but straight bangs um the girlies will know what that means the little freaks will get it and um she she's sitting at a table And you can tell she's annoying before she even talks. It's her energy. And she smashes a ceramic pot on the table. And she says, now, if I'm a paleontologist and I have a million dollars waiting for me to make this look like a dinosaur, what do you think I'm going to do? I'm going to make it look like it. I can use as much spackle as I want. I'm going to make this look like a dinosaur, what do you think I'm going to do? I'm going to make it look like it. I can use as much spackle as I want. I'm going to make it look like a dinosaur. And then she just picks up like a pile of dust from the vase that she smashed or pot or whatever. And she's just like playing with the ceramic.

She's like, it's not hard to make this look like bones a million dollars you make it look like bones first of all this bitch thinks bones are worth a million dollars they're not caleb's so mad at me for talking about this no i'm and i'm entranced i'm letting you really explore your passion she's just so uh silly i was gonna be mean but i actually think maybe she is smart she's just um really religious there's no that's not i'm sorry that's do you think that's possible to be that religious and be genuinely smart yes but it's like you have to turn off a part of your logical brain to get there i think you can be extremely spiritual and extremely smart but i think religious particular like like adhering to the strict rules and like like like to be that christian and be like

because it does come to be that christian to be like the dinosaurs never existed to override that much science is just like well inherently what are we saying what does the word smart mean at this point then i think you get us an 1800 on your sats like i think you could i think you could like wow shall we coming out as somebody who thinks the SATs measures intelligence well it's the only thing I did well in school hey I please don't take this from me I was bad at school got bad grades did well in the SATs um like I but I think like in an aptitude test is, I guess, what I mean. You could do really well in an aptitude test and be very religious.

Do I think you can be fun to talk to? No. Also yes. And do I think that you would go to heaven over other people? Yes. Again, yes. Do I think God is the ultimate truth and we have to fear him? Again, yes. Yes. Do I think God is the ultimate truth and we have to fear him? Again?

Yes. Yes. Does this podcast have an extremely right wing Christian bent to it as an undercurrent? Yes. Yeah. Yes, it does. That's why our producer is, and I cannot stress this enough, a member of the NYPD. By choice.

By choice. For free. volunteer by choice by choice for free i um i want to add to the records the feeling of being so happy to see your friends that you start crying this happened to caleb the other day and shelby was mean to me about it i wasn't mean to you about it she really wasn't i was not mean to you about it so we actually said it was really cute i did well because it was nice about it i we hung out with friends the other night and i really did um feel like crying the whole night because i was so happy to be with our friends and i just get that sometimes now i mean i've always been somebody who is grateful to spend time with friends

but post vaccine covid life i once in a while get so overwhelmed by the fact that we get to see people that it really um makes me be earnest which i hate and if you guys think that this was sort of a moment where it was all of us like like cuddling on a bed or something it was us watching comedy in the same space stand-up show yeah um yeah i would add that to the records i would add that to the records i think that's really beautiful even if it is earnest you know earnest earnestness it's the importance of being earnest it's important to be earned there's an importance to being earnest but it's also yeah sorry there is an importance to being earnest no i was hearing what you were saying i think i would just stop you sort of preemptively to say that while there's an importance to being earnest, there's also something...

There's sort of like an importance... Sorry, I just had to jump in there. Right. No, go ahead. Like, to being... I'll stop you there. There is, in terms of earnestness, I would say a degree of importance that exists. That is...

And it's like... It is the earnestness that holds the important, like there's not like an importance beyond the importance lies in the earnesty, you know? Keep going. I don't want to. The thing about that bit is that it really does rely on being cut off. Yeah. Well, because then I have to be like, and so with Ernestine.

And so therefore, and as it were, sort of. Which is to say, of course. Which is to say, and by the way, there's a homogenousness that exists sort of in the structures of power that have come to be. Go ahead. the structures of power that have come to be go ahead uh uh uh uh nothing i would add seeing your friends and being really happy about it to the records but you know what i actually i have a delete it of my own what is it to say in this moment. What is it? It is when you didn't do anything wrong in traffic, but somebody honks at you anyway.

Yes. This happens all the time in LA. I have never done anything wrong in traffic, and yet I have been honked at. And it drives me crazy. I just yesterday watched someone honk before lindsey was driving the light was green as she was approaching it it turned yellow as she was under it and they honked at her i was like in what were like and she was like was that for me and i was like, and she was like, was that for me? And I was like, honestly, like, I don't even fucking, who could fucking know? Honestly, I support that person.

That's really funny. Someone messaged us a few times with some delete-its. And she actually did an ad this time because she thought she was being too negative. So I'm just going to quickly read them out. Yeah, please. This one's just very much a her problem so we're gonna get into it delete from the records being able to hear people having phone calls while connected to their car's bluetooth and i said as in hearing someone else on the phone in the car and she said

yes for example i'm in my apartment on the fifth floor and i regularly hear people's phone calls in their car at the gas station across the street oh yeah yeah you know what do you resonate with that i really do it's happened to me it's happened to me yes no i do i do know this i actually something even stranger though i was in chicago uh recently and i was I was sitting on a patio with my friends pretty late at night. And I didn't think we were being that loud, but of course we were, because you know how a group of comedians is, the worst. And we were talking about the food in Chicago versus L.A. By the way, L.A., vastly superior food scene to Chicago. No questions about it.

Chicago, beautiful city, better city than L.A. Not better food. L. than la not better food la has better food and we were discussing this passionately and i checked my instagram uh dm requests later that night and a girl messaged me and was like oh my god i heard someone on the street screaming about the food in la being better than in chic. And I ran to my window and it was you. And I was like, oh my God, you never know. You never know. You never know. But I do love hearing people's phone calls from their cars.

And I think if you live next to a gas station, that would 100% happen to you a lot. They're really loud. People play them at music level. Yeah, that's true. I think it's such a funny delete it because it's so specific. She also deleted in this one.

She seems to be very passionate about the masked singer. And then she said, it's not, it's not something that should have been ever been allowed to exist. And I honestly do believe that it has been a significant contributing factors to society's sharp decline towards every bad thing. I mean, you can't can't hey the math is there if you're doing the math the way that she's doing the math the math is there i do think the max the

masked singer is so stupid it makes no sense to me why it exists okay like it's it takes like the fun of like a singing competition show and completely takes the thing I like about it, throws it out the window and add something I couldn't have less of an intrigue in. You like it. You're a big fan. I just am a producer on it. So it's hard for me to talk publicly about the show. But I think, yeah, I get it.

I forgot that you're on next season. Yeah, I produce. Yeah, I produce The Masked Singer. I was the person who decided that they should be masked so what was it before that just it was going to be the singer where a bunch of celebrities sing and you have to guess who they are yeah it was going to be like try to guess without googling try to guess this person's name and what you know them from honestly with the people that they book on the singer it is pretty you can see where my concept was gonna work yeah there are some that i'm like

that guy yeah it was gonna work and then i but then yeah i said they should be now introducing him ladies and gentlemen her him him um then she said delete movies about marriages you disagree about that i feel like you love a lot of movies about marriages yeah especially straight ones are you kidding because i think you do no i really do okay i was gonna say you are putting on a facade for the movies about marriages i really do but then added getting stoned and drinking coffee in bed on the weekend and that whoo fellas no that can't be allowed on the records it has to be on the records it's such a nice feeling it promotes delinquency it's legal here babe it promotes delinquency it promotes

laziness it is a gateway drug yes it's bad you smoking i smoking weed is fine but drinking coffee no it promotes delinquency yeah it and it fucks with your nerve endings does it i drink i don't know i drink like two coffees a day at least i drink so many coffees i love coffee i can't get enough of it but the thing about smoking weed and then drinking coffee is that they are they do the opposite thing and at that point i'm trying to reach back down to stasis. I'm trying to, when I do smoke weed and then have a coffee, I'm trying to render both things inconsequential. Wouldn't you have been better off to do neither?

No, because that in itself is sort of a game. When I was in high school, my parents had a breathalyzer to threaten us with. And my mom's boyfriend at the time used to drink and then just breathe into the breathalyzer throughout the night just to see how it was going. Like there's a game to that. That's fun. He was, you know.

Yeah. He was like, I feel drunk. What am I at? Then being like, I don't feel that drunk anymore, am I? And then, you know, you kind of. I would do that. That sounds like fun to just just check up on it yeah so um that is the fun of smoking weed while drinking coffee is that there's sort of an opposite unequal but opposite action causes every so

smoking weed while drinking coffee is inertia there's's an opposite. There's an equal and opposite thing you can do to your body for everything you do to your body. Um, inertia at play is drinking coffee after smoking a weed in bed. What is your favorite scientific concept? Shelby, would you say, do you want me to go first while you save some time to think?

Yes. Okay. Mine is gravity. It keeps us on the earth without gravity. We would fly fuck without gravity we would be able to fly fuck now i'm crying now i'm crying because i being able to fight would be so special now i'm crying because being able to fight would be so special

wait no that brings me to a better question now you have two questions to answer not only do you have to answer your favorite scientific theory and by the way they're just theories or you also have to answer what what is your favorite superpower what would you have a superpower if you could i have such a hard time with superpower so i'll start there okay um do you have yours yes do you want to go first or do you want to wait mind reading okay selective mind reading see that's where it comes from for me is that i'm like i don't want to hear people thinking really mean things about me i do no i think honestly i would probably use it more often for that to be like i think this person's thinking bad about me let me investigate in that

scenario yes i'm saying like i don't want to like see someone i haven't seen in a long time and like hear them immediately i don't think there's anything up i'm not wondering i'm not asking myself any questions and i just hear them being like jesus fucking christ do you know what I mean? Right. And like, I'm saying it needs to be select. Like imagine going on stage. Not for a show you're like headlining. Cause at that point, everyone's just thinking like, fuck yeah.

But like you're opening for someone. People don't really know who you are. And in the middle, you just start hearing like, Jesus Christ. It's like, Oh, hustle. Well, you just start hearing like jesus christ get them it's like oh all right hustle up

well i am often so connected to audiences that i can't i mean what you're describing delete delete delete delete what you're describing is i actually deal with this kind of thing because i'm so in touch so i do think mine would be selective mind reading because how fucking easy would life be if you could just be like is that person into me boom yes cool you know i mean you could i have argued myself into thinking that you can get anything you want with selective mind reading you you're pitching something at whatever your job is like any job and you just hear someone being like i don't think i really like this idea and you can be like which is why i don't really like that idea

scrap it selective mind reading solves literally every problem in the world because anything anything at all if you're like imagine if you were ever my biggest fear in life is that I will be tried for a crime I didn't commit. Guess what? If you're on trial for a crime you didn't commit and you can selectively read the mind of the juries and they're going, man, I wish that I knew this thing to keep him innocent. And then I'd be like, your honor, I wasn't even at that quick trip. Yeah, but what if they needed evidence? In that situation, I there is like an evidence component no no yeah because anything any person is thinking look okay right now if you were in

court as a lawyer and you held up a bloody oh my god do you think i could be a lawyer yeah no you don't um no you really could um actually it's so funny i almost told you earlier that you could be a lawyer during this episode and i don't remember what it was about um but if you were holding up a bloody knife with my fingerprints all over it listeners leave a five-star review telling me what you think i could be a lawyer for yeah in this episode so far um but if you were holding a bloody knife my fingerprints on it and i was in court well as a jury person i would be thinking what would i need to hear to think that's not valid? And then they would come up with something in their head

and they'd be like, oh, that I'm a knife salesman or something. And then I would say to my lawyer, tell them I'm a knife salesman. And then he would say, Your Honor, my client's a knife salesman. Do you think that, and I'm not saying yes or no, I don't know. But I'm saying, do you think that and i'm not saying yes or no i don't know but i'm saying do you think that maybe your occupation would have been already brought to the table as a part of well they don't know what i do in my free time though you're selling knives for in your free time you did the murder it's like what mike does with the cops actually what's that cutco

do you know anyone in cutco you can walk around you know yeah do you know cutco knives me yeah do you know what that is no it's like an mlm for like literal kids they're like not kids but like teens were they yeah i had one too and my mom kept buying them we had like at some point 300 knives because my mom kept buying the deluxe package from this kid I knew growing up. And it's just knives. Knives, knives, knives. Steak knives. Cutting knives.

Kitchen knives. Chef knives. Knives out. More like knives in the house. We can't stop buying knives. They're doing a knives out too. Is it going to be the same mystery, do you think? It doesn't matter.

It's going to make $17 billion at the box office because of the cast. doesn't matter it's going to make 17 billion dollars the box office because of the cast and that's the new way to do movies is you just put every famous person you can imagine in the script and then it's like boom yeah they did that with valentine's day remember when they had those movies ever right off it was like love actually had been out for a long time and then they did like eight love actually type movies but with like stacked fucking cast they were like this one's halloween time and then this one like eight love actually type movies but with like stacked fucking cast they were like this one's halloween time and then this one is valentine's day it was like for every it was like holiday it was like love actually then it was valentine's day then it was like

hubie halloween like they all exist in the same they all exist in the same universe it's halloween season we have to watch i love uh bleep that no free clap no free clap for the girlies of course the name of the movie and the actor i wouldn't fuck him by the way and a lot of people would who is it that we know that really would katie i think you're thinking of meg stalter she desperately wants to she desperately wants to fuck him meg stalter a friend of the pod she gets freaked out because she was on the pod yeah makes alter desperately wants to fuck the actor that we just talked about and bleeped um has been very clear about it to us um anyway you know what girl what you already know what's

on my mind girl say it at the same time one two three one two three having sex after the podcast with each other The time of my life. I've been sitting in the window. I've had the time of my life. Just looking at the window. Nobody puts baby in the window. Nobody puts baby in a window. Try to think of more. I'm just a girl and i'm in the window i want to make love in this window in this window um more songs about being in somewhere no i'm just a girl standing in front of the window that's a speech i don't think that's a song.

I know, but I think, you know, there's music to it. Shelby, I think you both know. I think we both know what I'm thinking. One, two, three. I'm in the window. I'm in the window. Well, I'm just thinking it's time to get out of here. Are you trying to hook up?

I want to do the whole thing what's the song from titanic which one the one yes I'm in the window. And I know. I'm in the window. The window. The window. I'm in. Isn't there another big one from that movie? Is there?

Mike, is there another big song from Titanic? You guys, this was so much fun. We love you guys so much. We're going to have more episodes every week. What? No, too many people are asking us to have two episodes a week. You can't say it like that. No, I meant every week we'll have an episode,

just like we have been doing, despite Mike wanting us to end the pod. And you guys, if you are in New York and there's tickets left, you can see us literally tomorrow night, Saturday, 10-9 at the Bell House. But unfortunately, I don't think there will be. Unfortunately, I do think it'll be sold out. And Shelby and I are only in town for two days,

so we won't see you otherwise. Sorry, girls. Come to LA. If you don't live in LA, come to LA. And maybe one day we'll do one of these live. Maybe. Who's to say? On the moon.

Let me leave you with this. Ladies, keep your head high, your heels high, and your standards high. Never let a boy get you down. Love it. The higher the heel, the closer to God. Amen. Amen.

That was a Hidgum Original.