Keeping Records - The Importance of Being Earnest (with Mitra Jouhari)

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

Shelby is ill and will NOT stop giving sex eyes. Caleb is in Portland and surviving the heatwave. It’s up to comedian, writer, and actress Mitra Jouhari (Three Busy Debras, Big Mouth, High Maintenance) to educate the aliens, and she’s created a Golden Record designed to showcase the pinnacle of entertainment on Earth. Mitra’s Artifacts Pretty Little Liars (audio-visual) Lost & Found Music Studios (audio-visual) Countess Luann and other Real Housewives music careers (audio-visual) Galaxy Quest (audio-visual) Gossip Girl (audio-visual) Follow Mitra on Instagram and watch Three Busy Debras on HBO Max! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo satou. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Shelby, how's it going? It's good.

I want to be clear that I don't sound like me. No. It is me, though. It is me. You're not sounding like yourself lately. But I don't want anyone to think that you replaced me on the pod. I want to go out of my way right now. I would never.

I would never replace you on the pod. It would be too difficult. People would ask questions. It would be annoying. Oh, my God. Did you know you could change the volume from our mic? What do you mean? I just pressed a button and the volume changed.

I want you to know, you sound like one of the, that squeaky toy from Toy Story. Or the old lady in, yeah. Or the old lady from Orange is the New Black. The one that works in the kitchen and... You know who I'm talking about? I forget her name. Yes.

The one who's like a Girl Scout. Yeah. Well, was and then became a murderer. But only because of trauma. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. Yes. So you're sick and that's the truth about you yeah but i did get tested

i don't have covid and i don't have strep and those are the two big things that i did not want to have i don't have them being flirty being flirty about it i actually did want to have strep if i can be honest with you i wanted strep because when you get strep they give you medicine it's gone like you just get to get rid of it when it's a cold or like whatever i have they were like we don't really know babe i just have to sort of be drinking a lot of stuff and like hoping okay yeah okay well i'm really glad that it's not covid19 the novel coronavirus backslash delta variant and i'm happy that you're well dot jpeg dot edu and i'm really happy that you're i'm really happy that you're it seems like you're gonna pull through this girl

and caleb thank you and also caleb you survived this nation's worst heat wave i have been in portland it has been 115 degrees um thank god we did not have to work uh during that but i'm chilling in portland i've been eating a lot of barbecue which is sort of random i did not expect that and um what else have i been doing um oh i am when I get back to LA I am adopting a puppy is that official now you've we've decided that you will have a puppy in the house I kind of think if we can find if we can find a good one I really want

to get a puppy I think it's exactly what I've been missing in my life this is gonna fix everything I think having a dog will fix listen I want us to get the dog because you're taking care of it and I think is it weird to say, listen, I want us to get the dog because you're taking care of it. And I think that's huge. But is it weird that I don't picture you with a dog at all? Like, I don't picture you being someone that's like, can I bring the dog to the gathering?

Like, you don't seem like the person that has a dog to me. You don't think I'm loving. Alright, you guys. We are so excited for our guest today. We have to get her in here. We are so pumped. You know her from Three Busy Debras on Adult Swim.

She also wrote for Big Mouth and the upcoming spinoff Human Resources. You've seen her a million other places, you guys. Please put your paws

and fins together for our dear friend mitra joari i know the whole thing is be quiet but you really know it was so shocking what you guys just did shelby doesn't think i'm loving so you don't think i'm loving that's not what i said i want a dog so bad and i do feel like i feel like my life is 98 where i want it to be and i think that final two percent is either a boyfriend or a dog and honey boys get on my nerves so it's dog time do you know what kind no but we've been i i think a small guy i think just a little tiny boy um we've been looking at um a little small like we were what was when we were looking at shelby like a jack terrier australian shepherd mix yeah i really see

you with a tiny little dog because you're so tall see meetra and i see this differently when someone is tall and has a tiny little dog that is so special picture that can be so say with me powerful powerful that can be so powerful picture me with a like a baby a baby pug in a little tiny chest uh bjorn yeah me just crying me just crying me just crying my friend reminded me the other day that i mean anything anything absolutely anything can make me cry and uh she reminded me the other day that she and her husband bought a a beautiful green couch a few years ago and that made me cry the idea that they bought a green couch. I saw the couch and I was just like, wow, you're doing it. It just felt like so mature. You're doing green couch.

It's giving green couch. They got the great couch and I was like, wow, like adults. Adults live here. It was Annie Donnelly. If you know her. Mitra, you're just back in LA, girl. I know just back in LA in la was also in the pacific northwest but in a different city seattle washington seattle the big apple the big apple

the windy city of dreams it's the new york of the pacific northwest i do call it the pacific northwest do people say that about Seattle? That would make sense to me, actually. I mean, no, but they could. Certainly no one's stopping them. We're starting a movement. Seattle is the Manhattan of the West Coast. Viva la revolucion! It's so funny to do a revolution chant

and kind of stumble. Viva la revolution! Viva la revolution! The Ohio jumped out. Wait, Meecha, are you from Ohio? I am, yeah. Where? Like a little bit outside of Cincinnati.

Okay. Are you? I'm from Cleveland. Really? Yeah. I was like, oh my God. I'm such a nerd about Ohio. Me too. Someone like mentions Ohio and I'm like, my god I'm such a nerd about Ohio someone like mentions Ohio

and I'm like what's up I saw a guy wearing a Dayton shirt last week and I was like wait really are you wearing it as a joke are you wearing it ironically are you pranking me do you think it's funny to wear a shirt about Dayton by the way I don't like to be pranked.

Mitch is going up to people on the street and going, I do not like to be pranked. And they're like, I wasn't going to prank you, girl. You're safe. I was driving the other day, and someone was crossing the crosswalk, and my car still has Ohio plates. And they just started doing the OHIO at me. And I was like, oh. I was like oh I was like should

I join in the car being like I guess I should acknowledge I'm stoked that he loves me did you go to college there no great so so just so all the listeners know Mitra is from um Cincinnati outside Cincinnati and she went to the Ohio State University andra is from um cincinnati outside cincinnati and she went to the ohio state university and shelby is from outside of cleveland and she went to the university of vermont wait you went to osu i did i dropped out but i did go there my family is big ohio state heads i'll say that legally obligated to be yeah well some people are contracted by law my brother went to michigan and my dad is still like ohio state or die that's the way i go ahead meet right no no no no no i promise i promise it wasn't gonna be funny It wasn't going to be funny. It wasn't going to be interesting.

Neither is this podcast. Neither. Yeah. This podcast does not. This podcast has no goals. Our podcast. We're vibes only. What I was going to say was related to Shelby's OHIO thing was I was the other day I was leaving

the house and I was like, oh, I really should wear my Kansas City hat in case I see somebody from Kansas City. Psychotic. I mean, makes no sense. No one cares. And I was like, that never happens, idiot. Just put on the hat that's closest to you because I didn't know where my Kansas City hat was. Put on the hat that's closest to me. I go out, do whatever I'm doing.

I'm not kidding you. I saw five different people in Kansas City gear out in LA I've never seen it in my life and I was like they don't know they don't know that I'm also they don't know because I didn't wear and I've it's it was like really a message from God and I don't know what it was supposed to mean but it was a message from God in my opinion to follow your intuition yeah to listen to my believe in myself yeah are you wearing the Yosemite hat today to in case you see anyone from the Yosemite no I'm wearing the Yosemite hat today because I didn't get back to my hotel until like 12 30 last night and um I woke up late today party but no I was fully on set um party I was I was partying at work girl oh my god my God, work hard. Play hard. Working hard or hardly working.

Ew, ew, ew. I wish everyone, Shelby's giving me sex eyes again. Mitra, we have a consistent problem on this podcast where Shelby gives me and the guests fuck me eyes during the recording, and she's giving them to you right now. No. And it's absolutely distracting.

It is. Can we actually go back to Caleb's awesome story about picking out a hat? I literally said it was going to be boring and you didn't do your thing. What was your thing? I know, I've just been waiting to be mean to you because you said that. No, I love it. I love it. What was your thing, Mitra?

Let's explore it. I actually could not have forgotten more. It was so fleeting. It was so boring. That's exactly what somebody who had a story about tax accounting would say. And I believe that your story was about tax accounting. I know it was about something to do with Ohio State. But unfortunately, that is all I have to offer at this time.

Really good school yeah I actually I'm currently texting with a professor from it is a genuinely a really good school I was only saying it like that because I feel like that's what my dad always is he's like he really wanted me to go there and I didn't I didn't finish but it the professor I'm texting with there's a reason why I stayed as long as I did, but I still did not complete. Oh my God, that's a professor. Free clout for the girly. Yeah. Free clout for the girly.

Give it up, Joy. Joy Riley retired. Amazing. Joy Riley. Joy Riley. Joy Riley, enjoy those golden years, my friend. What did they teach? What was their subject? She taught a bunch of different theater classes, but she and i did this thing where we would go teach at the ohio women's reformatory together amazing so i spent a lot of time with her and like had a lot of like really intense emotional experiences with her but she's the best yeah oh that's sweet i love those people yeah teachers are cool i feel like there's a very

specific energy a person who like keeps in touch with teachers. And honey, I have that energy. I'm out here. I mean, I'm out here having lunch with high school English teachers. I'm texting professors from college. I have been very lucky to have cool teachers. And I really latched on to them in a really maybe kind of crazy way. I'm a little sick.

You're a little twisted. I have a taste of that energy but none of the follow-through so i don't keep in touch at all but i'll visit like i visit my high school still and i'll like pop into their classrooms and then it's like oh no you're one of those well yes you're like walking into the school and being like did you guys miss me and all the girls are like we don't know who you are i mean genuinely when genuinely, when I first went back home after I left for college, I really did sort of haunt the halls when I would come home. Oh, God.

I'm not proud of it, but there was a lot of teachers that I was like, I was a bad student. I was never anyone's favorite student. I was always a friend more than a student. And I wanted to be like, girly,ly what is up you don't have to deal with me in a professional sense anymore and now what is going on how are you how's the divorce not the divorce not the divorce anything but that how is the divorce i want to get divorced someday although some of my like favorite teachers like moved to pittsburgh sad he just said sad like four of them moved to

pittsburgh the cleveland to pittsburgh pipeline yeah the cleveland to pittsburgh pipeline and it's devastating you know what i want to explore i was talking with sandy and elissa about this yesterday is i want to explore the musical theater to military pipeline i would like to do a documentary about that performance it's all performance it's all performance no is there one meet your please do it's because we were watching the like we're watching the um like u.s navy performance of the circle of life and i was like how did this happen like this is so like mt vibes and then and yet you're like just like fully in the navy like how but then there's like a u.s army band that's like a rock band and all this shit and i was just like all like i just feel like you didn't make it into like juilliard or whatever

so you join the military and that is what my documentary will explore. I would watch the hell out of that. It's like one. Like big time. It's one guy being like, yeah, I didn't make it into Juilliard. I should have. And I'm like, I knew it. I knew it. And then that's the end of the documentary.

It's just me jumping in front of camera and going, did we get that? Because I knew it. And then it's like two minutes long. I was right. So thanks for watching.'s crying wait of course yeah mitra's crying because the guy just bought a new couch i have i have an important question um that is unique to me that i just came up with on the spot oh i think i know what it is mitra mitra galeb if we were making a new golden record what would you put on yours

okay well the first thing that I would put on there would be have you heard of the show Lost and Found Music Studios on Netflix

well Mitra I hadn't until you told us to, and I did watch an episode today. You did? Oh, my God. What episode did you watch? Did you watch the first? Well, it has to be the pilot. Oh, my God.

That makes me so happy. And, okay, before I want to hear about your thoughts, I'll just give, like, a primer on what Lost and Found Music Studios is for those who have not seen, even though it is, of course, always the number one trending show on Netflix and for good reason. Lost and Found Music Studios is a Canadian teen musical theater show in the spirit of Glee, but that's even sort of being a little generous. And there's sort of younger vibes than Glee. But it takes place in an afterschool program for kids who want to make it in the music industry it is the spin-off of a different canadian teen drama show about dancers that is much more successful it is created by this guy named frank van keeken who worked on

kids in the hall and it centers on you guessed it two teens named yes luke and leah are sort of the stars of this performing arts group luke looks a lot like justin bieber and they sing original music and it's just all these kids like fighting for solos and stuff and like vaguely just all making music together in this sparsely decorated warehouse where you guessed it. The main authority figure, there are two adults on the show and one of them is named Mr. T, which they never address. And they also never address the Luke and Leia names. Oh, there's one moment where to Mr. T, Luke goes, I pity the fool who doesn't give this girl a second audition and that's the only time they give us a taste of that the music is insane it's so bad they repeat there

is there is a there are two episodes out of 10 or something like that for the first season that are centered on auditions they want to get new kids in the school two you know how like auditions are normally a montage and stuff? Auditions on this show are two full. There are three, actually. One episode is them introducing the concept of auditions taking place at the school. And then two full subsequent episodes are auditions where they have, I kid you not, four kids per episode sing the exact same song all the way through.

Ironically, the song is original original each kid sings that song all the way through it's so crazy a central plot of an episode when a girl named Clara pretends that she wrote the song Freebird and then gets mad at her classmates when they call her out for having not written Freebird. Oh, they have the kids improvised. They have the kids improvised. It's all improvised. Is it? It's all improvised? Like any moment where the kids are doing like a testimonial to camera, I have confirmed. I was going to say. Is improvised. I was going to say a really key thing that you have left off the table is that they have these straight to camera sort of confessional style chats. Even though it's just like a fully scripted show, every now and then they will just break to the camera and be like yeah i was so

excited to get a chance to get a solo and there's so much dialogue that is them being like there's a whole scene that i transcribed a long time ago that was just these girls talking about where people are lining up for auditions out of curiosity would you agree that i think it is glee meets victorious yes yeah it's like so much like it's it's not fair to even compare it to glee i feel because like it it's so baby like it's so sanitized like like they're like glee is so just like pick an issue we'll fucking go there and like lost and found is like pick an issue. We'll fucking go there. And like, Lost and Found is like, pick an issue. We won't go anywhere near it. Not even if you beg us.

Mitra, also, I just want to point out, you really blew the rest of our guests out of the water. Because most people bring up something they like and they go, oh, it's so funny. I love it. It's a show about friends. And you go about the show. You go, this show explores the dark underbelly of the teenage music world in Canada. It takes place in a seedy warehouse. Like you literally, at one point I was like,

is she reading this? And then I was like, no, she knows this. No, she feels this. She's speaking from the heart. She feels this. She's impassioned about this. No, no, babe. Also funny because it wasn't the first thing on your list, but it was the first thing you wanted to talk about.

Yes. Well, this is, I would say, the one that I have. I'm like, nobody knows about this show. I care so much about this show. Because also, the kids care so much. I watched a bunch of the behind-the-scenes footage, and they all love love each other and they're having so much fun making the show like i genuinely love it and what i love is like watching these like musical theater dorks and i say that like as someone who was this like sing their little hearts out like give it ever i love watching like something so earnest it's

just really sweet but also one of the worst things to ever grace the screen listen it kept me captivated keep going i was i was in it i was really in it caleb do you have questions about the show i do i want to know actually this isn't really about the show so much as mitra's outlook on the world. I want to know, Mitra, if you had to pick, okay, what is the number one thing you think aliens could learn from musical theater kids? And what is the number one thing that you would want them to take as a cautionary tale from musical theater kids? It's dicey for Caleb to say this becausealeb is profoundly not a musical theater kid and hates musical theater i get to i get to serve these questions up and then back off though that's the nice thing mitra has the authority oh yeah no i know okay i think what i love about musical

theater is that like it is stupid like you go there and everybody's just being like it's a sunny day in florida but you have this like unspoken agreement that like yes it's stupid but we are here sitting and watching you and you are here on the stage giving it everything and i think that agreement is like really special and like it's just so joyful and i love love that. Like, I just think like, you can't be cynical watching it. Like, of course, you can come in and be like, that's so stupid. Why are you doing this? I'm right here, six feet away from you. And you're pretending to be in like 1948 or something like that.

Grow up. But I just like, I think aliens can learn like earnest like how like what it what it's like to really like be present and like put yourself out there because to do something so dumb with your whole heart is really beautiful the importance of being earnest the importance of being earnest they could learn the importance of being earnest they can learn the importance of being earnest but I would say the importance of being earnest oh the importance of being earnest. They could learn the importance of being earnest. But I would say. They could learn the importance of being earnest. Oh, the importance of being earnest.

They could learn the importance of being earnest. Yeah. Right. From a, from a musical theater. Oh my God. I just thought about that. I just thought of that. I was just, I'm sorry.

I have to, I have to cut in and say, I was just sitting here listening to Mitra talk about musical theater and I was thinking. Can I cut you off, Caleb? Can I cut you off? Yeah. I was thinking that's sort of like the importance of being Can I cut you off? Yeah. I was thinking that's sort of the importance of being earnest. The importance of being earnest, exactly.

Yeah, I was like, this is a great example of the importance of being earnest. Mitra, any thoughts? Yeah, I guess at the end of the day, that's true. Mitra's texting her manager on the side right now,

like, get me off. Call me. Save this this I'm so bored I talk for 20 minutes straight and I'm bored it's not even that you're annoyed that we cut you off so many times it's that you're bored it would be so much more reasonable for you to be like they won't even let me speak but But to be like, I'm bored. I'm just not interested. I'm not excited by it. They keep cutting me off and then cutting each other off. That's...

To say the same bit that isn't funny. Actually, that is... If I could give one review, if I want anyone to take anything away about our podcast, it's they're cutting their guests off and each other off to do the same bit that isn't funny. To me, that's keeping records. Hey, if any of you listening want to right now give us a five-star review with that verbatim, we'd love that.

Run, don't walk. Run, don't walk. But back to Mitra, what is the cautionary tale you would have them take from musical theater um i would say the personality's off stage and speak on that if you don't mind no no heart heart emoji no when i did musical theater as a kid i was in the king and i were you the king or i i was a kid in the chorus i wasn't really in it. I was like six. Oh, okay. There was some... Listen, I've never seen the show except for when I was in it.

Again, I was young, so I don't actually know anything. What I can say is... You're in the definitive, King and I. No need to watch the real thing. The titular. I'm about to tell you guys something that happened, but I actually don't know contextually like plot

wise what this was i just know that the king like asked a question and nobody was supposed to answer this girl her name's l she was a good friend of mine still is she just got married congrats she she wanted a line so bad that she just responded to the question i love her i would die for her i would die for her i would die for her that is the most iconic thing i've ever heard the king was like uh and he just like sort of had to i mean and musical theater kids aren't always great improvisers i'll say that but he had to like improvise some sort of like way to get out of that and then we got backstage and it like the director that we had was maybe one of the most intense directors i've had to date like she was so intense and we were kids and she didn't care and she took us backstage took everyone who was one of the kids and was like who spoke? She was ready to kill.

And then Elle was just sitting there being like, why would I ever admit to that? And so it was sort of a bleak moment in the King and I history. The King and I, I sing in my head to the tune of the Wizard and I. Is that okay? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. One of my head to the tune of the wizard and i is that okay yeah yes yeah thank you one of my all-time favorite things in the entire world is um

day players on tv shows movies whatever um like milking their line and like adding in just a little extra like if the line is like don't go in that store it's haunted they'll be like i'm telling you please sir do not go in that store everybody says it's haunted right i love that i think that is the coolest energy in the world it is so pure i'm obsessed with it i'm obsessed with that energy when i get really high um something i like to do is, it's legal. Oh, okay. Sorry. Go on. I didn't know. It's legal. I like to watch just the background actors in shows. Like the people who are in the cafe, like supposed to be just like having a conversation

because they all, their eyes always make way to the main scene. Like they're always kind of like, they can never like i also like to see them like sort of make a fake also so often because nobody's supposed to be watching like they'll set someone up to be talking to literally no one like they're like you have a conversation here and there's no one sitting across from them so they're sitting there being like and it is there is nothing quite like watching a background actor to me. Well. And I know they got paid like 50 bucks to do it. And I love that.

More than anything, I think more than anything, the most important thing we can be talking about right now is what is next on Mitra's record. Next on my record is Pretty Little Liars. Thank you. This is actually a massive thank you from me. As two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead. Has this been on the pod before? Thank you. This is actually a massive thank you from me. Has this been on the pod before?

No. Okay, good. Okay, Caleb, have you seen Pretty Little Liars? No, I'm not even sure what it is. Okay, well, time for my favorite thing, explaining what a show is. This is time for Mitra's segment, What is a Show? Buckle up buckle up another five minute monologue okay

so pretty little liars follows uh a group of friends so we have hold on i want to just make sure that i'm listing everyone's characters names right because i became obsessed with the real life people um but basically a girl dies and her friends sort of uh are brought together by her death so those friends are lucy hill playing aria montgomery and she's sort of the bookish smart girl then we have ashley benson playing hannah maron she's sort of badass blonde hottie then we've got shay mitchell emily fields and we reveal in the pilot she's gay and then and she's an amazing swimmer also and then we have troy and belisario who is of course the daughter of don belisario who is the creator of ncis and she plays spencer hastings and she's sort of the like type a bookish nerd who's really intense and falls for the bad boy um and then

those girls are being tormented by a mystery person who goes by a a sends some letters tries to ruin their lives and they're trying to figure out who A is. And A is like this mystery force. And so far, I'm five seasons in and we still don't know

who A is. But it's just these girls trying to live their lives and stay friends and get through some trauma. And while delivering some of the most horrible dialogue

that has ever been written in the history of the world with such integrity. And I love them. It's a really, really great teen drama. So much happens every single episode. Every single person. So much happens. So much happens.

Every single person has, like, every character, all the parents have crazy drama everybody has done something fucked up so many people die so many people betray each other it's so good i can't recommend it enough this is one of those shows that makes me like think like okay what do they think teens do like they're like okay this teen is skipping school to travel around the world by herself to try and evade a killer. You're like, what's up? What's happening? Yeah, yeah.

They also do, like, Lucy Hale. Okay, so do you guys know that she was on American Juniors? Do we know what American Juniors is? Go ahead. Note to both. Go ahead. So, thank you.

Mitra explains things. Mitra explains things mitra explains things american juniors was american idol but for young people there was one season and lucy hale was on it and ladies and gentlemen yes i went to an irl taping when i was visiting family in orange county we went up to los angeles to watch a taping of American Juniors. Lucy Hale was there. I was cheering for you guessed it, Chantal. Lucy Hale did make the top five, so she got to record an album with the other American Juniors

and they sang We're the Kids in America and she was a very good singer. All that to say, Lucy Hale can sing. They have her sing a full song while making eye contact with a boy one foot away from him. And it's supposed to be this hot romantic moment and it is one of the most chilling things i've ever seen okay based purely on i've never seen the show based purely on meet your description i want to ask a question okay is it fair to say that pretty little liars is gossip girl meets i know what you did last summer yes

yes but but i would say say like less rich kids. Like that, like, but I think that's where the crossover happens. You know, like, well. Troy and Belisario's character is rich, isn't she? She's rich. Yes. Spencer's rich.

But I would say like. Emily's poor. Like the wealth is just not like a part of the show in the way that Gossip Girl is. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Trying to think of a teen show that is not wealth. Yeah, but there is sort of like, you know, the fucking around with

teachers aspect of Gossip Girl. There is sort of... Yeah, they really want us to root for a teacher student relationship. Oh, no. Oh, yes, Caleb. Oh, yeah. No, you are really... It happens, and it happens

in the way that they're like, and you want them to be together, right? Right. You're rooting for their real, real love, right? I'm finding a video. Pretty Little Liars has my favorite line read of any show that I've ever seen in my life. And it's because they stunt casted an Olympic swimmer to have a scene with Shane Mitchell. Emily Fields. Missy Franklin. missy emily so shauna was telling me that you swim hello yes i swim oh god um congratulations

it's not too late to say congratulations is it no it's never too late to say congratulations thank you that's it that's it it's so boring i'm sorry i made you wait what did she say she says it's never too late to say congratulations thank you it's never too late to say congratulations thank you i'll send you the video because the whole every line that she delivers she goes it's never too late to say congratulations thank you i'm sorry for this but i also there was a line in there that I was laughing at at the beginning where she was like, yes, hello, I swim. I was like, what the fuck is this cadence? Incredibly stilted.

It means so much to me. I like to think it's because she was such a talented actress that acting with someone who doesn't, you know, have those chops was tough for her. And so she was a little stunted by that yeah yeah okay that is an amazing addition we need to go to an ad break now what shelby come on i'm kidding that's totally fine okay cool welcome welcome bark welcome bark is here to stay uh mitra do you like welcome bark instead of welcome back yes i do mitra would you like to give us a bark do you want to give us a wolf like actually bark this is actually this is actually something that's true is that i think one of the most unhinged things that can happen is for a human to bark

i have no idea why we started i have no idea why we started asking people that but every time we ask a guest to do a bark for us, every time they go, what? It's one of my rare little boundaries where I go, you know, I'm just not going to bark. I think it's too scary. There's something so funny to me about imagining that we start taking this feedback. And in the beginning, when we do a run through about what we're going to do on the pod, we start going, and then we're going to ask you to quickly bark.

It's also funny because it is embarrassing to bark and it adds absolutely nothing to the pod. No, like it's not going to be funny. It is to us. Mitra goes, it's not going to be funny because I don't think that's funny. I would take it very seriously. Look, I'm an actor.

I'm an actress. I'm an actor. I'm an actress. Mitra Johari, actor. I really can't stop thinking about how funny it is to be like, all right,

and then we'll take a quick break at 30 minutes and then after that we'll ask you to quickly bark and then we'll get back to you.

So at about the 30 minute mark you will be asked to bark. So just prepare for that. Whatever you need to do to get into the right headspace. you'll have to be asked to bark so just prepare for that whatever you need to do you'll have to do a couple barks just to welcome us back and then wait do you know do you know what this reminds me of i like um a couple months ago i thought that i had say it with me

testicular cancer and i went to i did not i turned out to have a totally treatable uh just like i don't assist or something um but i went to um the uh nuts and and dick doctor and he was this old guy and i was waiting for a long time in um the room and he and i was scared out of my fucking mind i was like oh my god i have cancer this like i was literally freaking out and he comes in and he goes all righty drop them just like that and i was like what and he goes and he goes he goes pants and boxers drop them and i was like what he was doing he was like being cutesy about it. And I was like, I literally am on the verge of a panic attack. It was so funny. I don't know if I've ever told you this story, but it's very quick.

But when I started abroad in Argentina, I dislocated my ankle and I had to go to the hospital. And I speak Spanish, but I don't learn hospital terms when I'm learning Spanish. It's so far from what I'm finding out that when I got there, I was like, took me a while to figure it out. Their hospitals work differently. Like I had to pull a number, like I'm at the DMV and then they call my number and then I get, it was just like crazy. But then I had to get an x-ray and they like put me into this little closet. This woman like was telling me to take off my pants, but I couldn't. Then she gave me a list of other instructions that I just simply couldn't

follow. So she left the room. I took off my pants. I didn't have a robe or anything, so I just didn't have pants. She came back in and she was like, were you in your underwear or were you giving full frontal underwear i just needed my fucking foot but she freaked out in such an insane way it's like a really catholic country i think i was like

really um indecent but i it was so embarrassing and then she just had to like she like came in to give me a robe and then i was like thanks and then she left again i like, she like came in to give me a robe. And then I was like, thanks. And then she left again. I put on the robe and then she had to take me to get my x-ray. So like her and I just had to like spend a couple hours together. Mitra, do you have any stories about being naked with a doctor or scaring anybody with your body or anything? I want to hold because it does have to do with what I want to strike from the record or delete. Sorry.

Okay, amazing. That's delete. Sorry. Okay. Amazing. That's amazing. I love that. I love that. Okay. Up next, we're going to just do, we're going to ask you, Shelby, do you want to say what we're going to do next? Asking, just asking.

Just asking. We just need to ask Mitra what's next on her record so that she can say oh yeah no no no problem thank you what are you guys saying nothing mitra oh my god wait i have a question so original no one's ever thought it before what's next on your record okay next on my record is Countess Luann. I plead guilty to being fabulous. Do you guys watch House Y? I have seen, I'm a big Real Housewives of Beverly Hills person, but I've seen New York

because that feels like the other big one. And then the other ones I've sort of only seen if it's happened to me so for me I County of the Land is one of I actually kind of want to expand this because for me it's like the original music of the Real Housewives is the thing that I would like yeah to go on the ship would you would you include uh what's that the from Real Housewives of New Jersey the little girl's song that's like every day. Oh yeah. Wake up in the morning, thinking about so many things.

Waking up in the morning, thinking about so many things. I just wish things would get better. I'm trying to get rid of them. I would not include her because I don't think that, she doesn't own that very well, which I found disappointing. She didn't have really a sense of humor about that going viral. And it's not her fault that her parents made her be on a reality show when she was a child.

But unfortunately, if you're not going to own it, then you don't get to go on the rocket ship. You want to go on the rocket ship? You own the song. Own it. Own your past and your present and your future if you want to go on the rocket ship you own the song own it own your own your past and your present and your future if you want to go on the rocket ship sorry so what i love about the editing of the music of the real housewives is that the editors of those shows in general are so funny and so talented and i think just some of like the best comedy editors working today truly because they they are so relentless with the way that they edit the music because the women, I'm sure there are takes where the women actually hit the notes that

you're hearing in their songs, but they're not making it onto the TV show. It's always just them like sort of wobbling their way to the note, unable to hit their own notes in their music, like singing live where it's clearly just them singing along to their track. They never present these women in a way that makes them look like they're actually talented musicians because of course they are not. My friends. Elegance is love.

But Luann does do her cabaret show, which I celebrate. I do think her songs are earworms. I love listening to them the housewives is really also the place real housewives of potomac has had three separate moments where women have sung um happy birthday acapella to the best of their ability in like a crowded place like as a gift like the gift is like candace one of the housewives will be like and as a gift to the gift is like candace one of the housewives will just be like and as a gift to you

happy birthday and that's her gift i hate that she's sharing her gift with the world i don't want someone to sing me happy birthday as a punishment let alone as a gift i don't want it it's it's so sick um and then there's this one that has a song called coffee and love where the like the big hook of it is coffee and love are best served hot no you're kidding and it's not even true coffee's best cold well not and love frankly lukewarm um who sings coffee and love um that is uh ashley from real housewives of potomac coffee and love tastes best when hot that's how we started and we won't stop no land or sea could ever keep you from me the day we met okay who is who is the countess that you that you love the the one that you're adding so countess luann um she so she has. Wait, wait, real quick.

Petra, I'm learning that Caleb thinks all the Real Housewives are countesses. No. Which countess, which countess here is the one that you're talking about? I think she's sort of like the big countess. If there's another countess, she's not as known as Countess Luanne. I just think it's so fun okay i'm i'm on board with maybe caleb didn't think this but it's so funny to think that he was like oh the real housewives all the countesses it's countess kyle it's countess kim it's countess

bethany one countess luanne is not even a countess anymore because she and the count got divorced, but she retains the title. But she has money can't buy your class. Elegance is learned, my friend. Elegance is learned. Oh, yeah. All of her songs are a talk song. And they're about like sophistication. Chic c'est la vie.

Yes. Chic c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. Chic c'est la vie. Yes. Chic c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. Chic c'est la vie. But so many of the women have music careers. That's wild. Kim Zolciak, don't be tardy for the party.

Hurry up, baby, don't be late. I'll meet you at the place. Don't be tardy for the party. Don't be tardy for the place. Mitra knowing every one of these songs is actually one of my favorite things. Mitra goes on a run with the Real Housewives of music. I have a playlist that I listen to in the car a lot. NeNe Leakes has Come On and Get This Honey. NeNe Leakes actually, in my opinion, can't do wrong.

She, okay, here's what I'll say. Come On and Get This Honey did crack my Spotify top 100 last year. I don't know what to tell you. What show was NeNe Leakes like really, like a scripted show? NeNe Leakes was like a main character she's on a ryan murphy show because she's she's real housewives of atlanta and i she played like a the new normal the new normal yeah so she had like a whole storyline on that yeah yeah and kenya moore this is not uh the same kenya moore did release an original song she's on real housewives

atlanta too she also released an original pilot that she stars in and directed and it is worth a watch and not in a good way me just trying to get in the room for it yeah it's like it's worth the watch and also i would love to help if you're looking for punch up if you're if you need anything at all script coordinator i would love to do anything at all i was trying to be um a transcriber for real housewives because i would love to watch that raw footage of them like sitting at lunch like and like not the good stuff like when like they're not in a fight just being like so like how are you how's it going i want to trans i want to see like the four hours of like dead silence before one of them finally goes like, why'd you call me ugly?

It's them being like, ugh, I'm a little tired. And then being like, yeah, me too, I didn't sleep that well. It's like, yeah, me too. What's going on? I've been there for so long. Are people's allergies worse this season?

It feels worse. It's just like so... And why did you refer me as horse face for 45 minutes? Wait. Yeah, all of a sudden. minutes? Wait, something's just come up. I'm getting a message. You are? It says, it's... Mitra's saying you are.

I'm acting. We need to ask Mitra. Mitra, what is something so embarrassing in all of humanity that you think we should delete it from the records entirely? And before you answer, we should let you know it does not need to be famine or homophobia or war or sexism or just something different. I would like to delete. Okay, so I would like to broadly delete this happening to anyone, but I would like to delete

the two times that I have shit my pants in public okay give us the rundown how did it come about okay so the first time was um new year's eve this was uh i think like four years ago or something like that and i was leaving my then boyfriend's apartment and i uh was wearing like a cute tiny little skater skirt and a pair of tights and just a block away from his house shit my pants just fully like day ruining life ruining like i just didn't trust my body after that ever again kind of thing and i had this moment because i wasn't really close to anything i was like the closest thing i could do i was like a half hour walk away from my house and i didn't have my keys i'd lost my keys at the time and i knew that no one was going to be able to let me in for a while

and i was also like i just don't think we're at a place in our relationship where I can go back into his house like this, which should have been a red flag. But at the time, I was just like, keep walking, girl. So I went to Variety Coffee on Graham Avenue in Brooklyn, New York, and threw my tights and underwear away, washed myself in the sink of the bathroom and continued on my journey. It was very cold it was of course december bare legs tiniest little skirt just flapping in the wind as i cried on the phone to my friend being like i just can't believe this has happened to me do you know when you go into a public bathroom and you're like what happened in here yeah that was we just learned one of the things that happened in there yeah it's probably something like that it's probably someone shit their pants and and

handled it how they needed to hey caleb bless you thank you um mitra who was the friend you called do you remember alissa stone huh i would give anything transcript of that for the girly oh my i mean the pant like the panic it was so bad i because it it wasn't just that i shit my pants it was that like nothing like nothing like that had ever really happened to me where i was like oh my god mortality you would live a charmed life yeah like like bad things that happened to my body. But that was one where I was just like, whoa, like I just there will be a point where everything just sort of falls away. I'm just not in control. Wow.

So I was processing that with Alyssa. And then finally, I was living with Catherine at the time and she was able to let me back into the place. But that was a really dark bad time and then the other time of course was um i was so it was the weekend of i had a wedding in nashville and a bachelorette party in nashville so i was getting fucked up they were on the same weekend um and the night after the wedding i went to go get some like props for the bachelorette party and i was feeling really like free and easy and like hot and cute um so I chose to go commando to party city and I'm not really somebody who like goes commando like it just felt like I was being like I'm going commando I'm crazy and I was wearing like loose athletic shorts

and I was looking in sort of like the beach kind of vaguely tiki section and shit my pants immediately started crying because i was just like i just can't believe this is happening i lifted to the store and there were there weren't even like costumes with pants because it was like may so i was just running around Paris City being like, please fucking any, just a costume with pants. Didn't happen. It was a private bathroom, thankfully. So I went in and I just put my pants in the sink and got them soaking wet because they

were covered in shit. And then washed my pants soaking wet by hand in the sink crying. And then dried the pants in the bathroom. Still damp when I walked out, but not sticking a shit. Then I walk, complete my transaction. And then call a lift and go back home. What is going on these two times? Like, is it like a fart that just does more than you wanted it to?

Or are you just walking along and you go oh no i've just shit um i i mean it's like it yes a kind of fart but it was sort of just like whoa like i don't know how to describe it like it wasn't like like it's not a shart like a shart is just a different thing entirely this was just something where i was like was there a build-up no like like that was so crazy it's like it just happened and i think i think that's like maybe like kind of ibs adjacent or something i don't i can't i and let me be clear i've done nothing to address this figure out what went wrong it will happen again it will we can't talk we can't talk about ibs because caleb has beef with the IBS community. Oh, I'm sorry. I brought that into this space. Mitra, did you know about this?

No. Well, you know that I spend a little bit of time on the completely diseased website, twitter.edu. And I one time tweeted, by the way, I have IBS. But I shouldn't have to preface a joke about IBS. I just tweeted, I tweeted like, don't ever argue. Never fight a girl. Yeah, never fight a bitch who has IBS. Dinner time's coming up.

God's going to handle her or something like that. I mean, I might be wrong, but I literally think it was never fight a bitch with IBS. She's fighting her. She has her own battle or something. Something like this. And when I tell you misha i start getting replies quote tweets dms about how i'm being ableist um and the ibs community is enraged they're like you have no idea what it's like to live with ibs why is it considered okay to make

fun of this and not somebody i mean at one point i'm pretty sure and i can't remember if it was about this thing or not but i think a girl messaged me about this and said, why would you think that joke was okay when you know you wouldn't make fun of somebody who uses a wheelchair? And I was like, because they're different, babe. Like, that's crazy. And now I have a longstanding beef with the IBS community. Also, all he asked was to not let someone fight someone.

He almost advocated. He almost advocated. He almost advocated. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Title of my memoir, Almost Advocate. Yeah, that was insane. But yeah, I do think that's IBS adjacent. And I think you should never seek out an origin or help. I think you should just let it come as it's supposed to come.

I'm just not going to go to the doctor. I'm just not interested. I don't care. I'm with you. Do you at least think twice before you go commando now i would never go commando again literally never i can't stress to you how few times in my life i went commando before that day like it was truly i was being like i'm crazy like i'm so random that I'm going commando right now to party city and instantly struck down by God. No, bitch, you are not allowed to be whimsical. You are not allowed to be free.

You must be strapped in at all times. There must be another layer. Strapped in. Strapped in to the body. Okay. Well, I think that's an incredible deletion and I support it. Mitra, what else would you put on your records um I would put um Galaxy Quest

uh in there um I so Galaxy Quest for me holds a special place in my heart because I it A is just one of my favorite movies now but I only recently saw it but the trailer for it was before another movie that

I used to watch as a child I don't know what but I have seen the trailer for it was before another movie that I used to watch as a child. I don't know what, but I have seen the trailer for it on a VHS tape like 600 times. So there is a line that is so small in the movie, but was in the VHS tape trailer that to me is so iconic. And I was like, I can't wait till we get to the moment in the movie where he says this thing. And then it was literally it meant nothing. It was just like not important. But to me, I was like, oh, you mean the catchphrase for the movie where he says this thing and then it was literally it meant nothing it was just like not important but to me i was like oh you mean the catchphrase for the movie where the guy goes we need your help we need your help i was like that's the line that's the line that's it that's the tweet

that's so funny and it could not. That's the tweet. That's so funny. And it could not be more throwaway. I was like, okay. Sort of threw away the most important line in the movie. Could have delivered that harder. Where we need your help. We need your help. Help is needed.

Galaxy Quest, it's a movie about we need your help. I actually think that is true. Galaxy Quest is a movie about we need your help. That's true. They do need your help. So this is an interesting addition because we're sort of showing the aliens what we think of them. Yes. And we think they're nice and we think they're missy pile which by the way missy

pile had the most incredible decade of the 90s of anyone in in the world career is perfect i want that i want that life i want to just come in and like say like like three lines in every movie but they're completely insane that's my dream listen she does have it made missy piles something i mean what even how did she acquire that career like how did that happen for her it's so good her half of her characters are just like wide-eyed smiling and going like um also about galaxy quest galaxy quest is one of the most meta movies to ever exist you open on a movie yeah to then find out you were watching a movie you weren't watching the movie you were watching a movie inside the movie yes then you meet people who care about those characters in the movie and then the actor thinks he's in a scene when he's in reality.

And then, I mean, the whole thing is the beginning hour. It's just figuring out where reality is. Yeah, I love when it's like unapologetically sort of just tangled up and like, don't think about it too much. I love to not think about things too much. I love to keep it light and free. That's like, have you seen Garth Marenghi's Dark Place? Uh-uh, what's that? It's a UK show.

I think it was like Channel 4, but it may be, I'm not sure. But it's by Matt Berry and like Richard A. Odie and sort of that whole crew. And it's like a show, it's a documentary about an author who wrote a book who wrote a series of sci-fi books that then were made into a show and we're watching them talk about the process of making the show based on the books and it's so silly and so psycho it's my favorite show ever yeah i think you would love it actually you guys should watch it it's really silly it's only six episodes because it's it's so crazy as soon as i get back to la me and shelby are gonna watch it. It's really silly. It's only six episodes because it's so crazy. As soon as I get back to LA, me and Shelby are going to watch it in our living room. On the couch.

How about that? With our dog. I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh. You do need to come over. We'll have a dog. You do need to come over.

That's the truth, actually. Have me by. Shelby and I go, you do need to come by. And Mitra goes, so let's just stick to the pod. Yeah, I'm actually, oh, I'm busy that day. Mitra says, oh, yeah, invite me another time when I can say no. She says, I'm on air. It's pretty complicated.

So go ahead and let me know when I'm allowed to give an honest answer. Yeah, yeah. No, I can't wait. Yeah, looking forward to it. That would be such a special time. Mitra, I have to be honest from the bottom of my heart. That would be such a special time mitra i have to be honest from the bottom of my heart such a special time i have to be honest from the bottom of my heart and speak my truth and my truth is this mitra you have been an incredible guest and i'm wondering now if there's anything at all

that you would still like to add really quickly before we have to let you go gossip girl but i don't know about the new season i I haven't watched any of that. Is the new one out? It'll probably be out by the time this comes out. But I'm referring to the Leighton Meester vehicle. And it is a Leighton Meester vehicle. Let's start there. Wow. Let's have that conversation.

For the Blake Lively erasure. The Blake Lively and what's his name in you? Penn Badgley. The Penn Badgley and Blake Lively erasure going on. Penn's best work is you. Blake's best work is A Simple Favor. Leighton is the queen of Gossip Girl. Blake's best work is Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And how dare you? But she's so good in A Simple Favor. Yeah. Well, A Simple Favor is ultimately a bad movie that really does serve her well. Yes, agreed. Blake's best work?

His Age of Adaline. You fucking bitch. I don't know what that is. It's a movie I sincerely enjoyed, but everyone hated. Really? I really liked it. I don't know. I like time stuff.

But that's not important. Gossip Girl. I like time stuff. I like time stuff. Clocks and sundials. Clocks, time passers. The first time I ever did like a hard drug, I watched that Donal Gleeson, Rachel McAdams time movie.

Do you know what that one is? About time, I think. I think it was something that was added to, it was added to the records. About time. Oh, about time. Great. Yeah, about time.

That is on the records. Anytime it's on and i'm around it i sob because i have like this like visceral association with it lauren lapkus added it to her records it's going to space i'm so glad to hear that going to space it has to legally that's the that's the contract of this pod that you signed thank you for signing that by the way um thank you for being on the pod thank you mitra what would you like to bark no mitra we cannot get out of here until you give us a woof woof girly goodbye mitra read the fine print you have to bark early wait mitra we actually before you before you go for real we do have to ask you uh where can people find you and what's what's up with the next season of uh three busy deboras

when is it where can people see it and when yeah you can find me at bark bark dot wolf backslash just keeping records um you can find me on instagram at mitra jahari m-i-t-r-a j-o-u-h-a-r-i and three busy deboras season two has been shot but i have no idea when it's coming out so please check it out on hbo max so that we can hopefully continue to make more and also keep an eye out caleb and i co-wrote an episode of human resources are we allowed to say that we are and we're gonna put it in and i our episode cut the pod cut the pod fucking psychotic deranged unwell i'm so excited i can't wait meet you we love you girl love you girl love you girl i love you girl i love my girls

we need your help we need your help we need help because we love you, girl. That was a Hiddem Original.