Keeping Records - The Politician and The Ski Instructor

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Shelby is in the studio. Caleb is in his and Shelby's old home. The novel coronavirus is in Caleb. (Ok, was in Caleb, he is feeling better, thank you.) It's a Listener Submission episode, and Listeners...your submissions this time were just...all over the place. You made Caleb and Shelby think about some weird and terrifying stuff that they definitely didn't want to think about, including but not limited to: The unknown depths of the ocean Where do eels come from? How frogs swallow (*police cadet writing this makes throwing up noise*) Caleb poses a unique question: If you had to go into space for five years, what one streaming service would you bring? What one genre of music? What four friends? Shelby has some difficulty answering. Your Record Additions When pets’ tongues stick out a little while they nap The morning after going out getting shitty breakfast and coffee Your Deletions Flip Flops WWE Action Sequences in Movies Social Media posts starting with “Sometimes” and “Rant Over” Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludo. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Shelby, how you doing?

What'd you say? What did you say? What did you, sorry, what did you say? Sorry, what were you saying? I said, what did you say? Oh, no. I was saying, what are you doing? Oh.

How are you doing? What. How are you doing? What's up with you? I worked all day. Hmm. Interesting to hear. Did you also work all day? I am at my job. I'm out on script right now.

So I kind of, it's this really beautiful time for anybody who's curious about what it's like to be in a writer's room listeners it's this really uh beautiful time where you get like five days um where you don't have to report to anybody you're just supposed to be working on your script so it's really beautiful because you can work whenever you sort of want to and for caleb that means sort of not until it's urgent now unless you're his boss unless you're his boss and in which case it is steady, slow and steady, wins the race every day he works on it. And it is never urgent. No, my bosses would not care. I will tell you, I have been a person in the past who puts things off until the very last minute. I am trying so hard to get better at it that I, this time, this task, this particular task.

And recently, I've been working on things ahead of time. I've even been, Shelby, we don't live in the same house anymore, so you wouldn't know this. I've been getting up at 7 a.m. every day. Yeah, okay. No, I actually believe that because I saw you at the gym. I have. Crack of dawn. Well, you saw me at the gym at 8 a.m. last week, which was before I got COVID-19.

The novel coronavirus, right? I didn't know if we were talking about it. You've only really Instagram posted about it on close friends. So I thought maybe it's a secret. Yeah. Well, the thing of it is, here's the deal. I do have COVID-19 right now. I have been, yeah, really sick.

We should take out the part about me mentioning close friends in case anyone finds out they're not on it. No, no, we don't have to do that. It's fine. But I haven't posted about it publicly because I fear that I will get a bunch of nice messages from people being like, oh, get better. Hope you're well. And that's really sweet, but I don't want to have to respond to that. And I would feel guilty if I didn't. I fear that I'm too loved. Yikes. No, no, that's fine.

Even on close friends, honestly, people are texting me. People are, people are, I don't have a very big close friends list and people are texting me, texting me. Hey, can I, how are you? How's your, you know, it's a lot. Where do I rank on being nice to you in this time? Am I in the upper echelon? Am I in the lower echelon? Am I being nice? Am I being mean? You know, like there's a ranking of how your friends are treating you. Would I be, where do I measure up? I would, do you want the honest answer? I think it's low.

I would say you're falling middle to low. Yeah. I would say you're falling middle to low, but here what i will say here's what i will say in your defense i'm and i'm not upset with you i think that you had to give a lot more than others because i am currently quarantined in our old house um and so you had to do so much more than most other people by letting me be here and i am in fact living in my girlfriend's um tiny home yeah yeah you've given a lot you've well and i will say also that you and i have a very you and i I'm in fact living in my girlfriend's tiny home. Yeah. Yeah. You've given a lot. You've,

well, and I will say also that you and I have a very, you and I have much more of a, um, a crisis friendship. I think they're like, like very crisis oriented. Like we are like the people we go to for the big things, but the small things,

it's kind of like, ah, if you had to go to the hospital, that would have been where I really stepped in. Like I would call you if I needed to hide a body. I'm not really going to call you. Cause you had to go to the hospital, that would have been where I really stepped in. Like, I would call you if I needed to hide a body. I'm not really going to call you. Because you're not feeling. You might have a fever.

Yeah. Because I might. Well, it's not my, honey. I had a fever. But you have a mom for that. I do. My mom is a nurse. I actually, the other day, when my COVID was really bad, I had 102 fever.

And I called my mom and was like, Hey, when, you know, how, how high of a fever do I have to have? And for how long before I go to the hospital? And she said, what's it at? And I said, one Oh two. I thought she was going to say one Oh five, one Oh six. She said, I didn't know how temperature, I didn't know how high you had to go. She said, she said, you're pretty close to death. If not gone. Yeah. Yeah. And she let me know that she said, she said, yeah, if it's at 102, I'd say you got to go pretty soon. It's crazy because the numbers are so close together.

Like if 97 is fine, you would think 99 is also fine because they're close, but that's not true. 99 is a low grade fever. Well, yeah, you go, you go, okay. 98.6 is normal. 102 can't be that bad. 102 is pretty bad. 102 is almost as bad as it gets in a lot of ways

before you're in a bad way. You're not feeling good with 102 fever. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Well, hey, it's so good to have you. Do you have COVID at all, Shelby? No, I don't. I keep testing.

You got vaccinated, though. So that's good. No. What? I don't believe in that. Oh, okay. See, I didn't either. We're kidding.

We're kidding. We're kidding. We're kidding. No, I actually just got my booster. I just got my booster. Which one did you get? So we're waiting for that to really sink into the bloodstream, take effect, become a part of me.

I have been meaning to talk to you. I love Microsoft. Just kidding. Do you know those jokes on Twitter where people are like, I got my chip and now Microsoft is my favorite software? Oh, ew. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, I actually haven't seen those jokes that was really original to me yeah you really i can't tell if you're being serious i haven't seen those

people were saying that like because people's conspiracy was that there was like a microchip in there bill gates could spy on you what do do you think it means? Speaking of conspiracy theories, what do you think it means that... Thank you. People who live in the Philippines keep liking me on Tinder. Now, I haven't been to the Philippines. I don't have my location set to the Philippines.

But it's not just the Philippines. It's like, you know, it'll be like Mumbai or it'll be like France. It'll be know, it'll be like somewhere like France. It'll be somewhere crazy far away. And they're liking me on Tinder. What is this? They're all paying for that primo.

Yeah, but why am I involved? Like what is... Well, because once you're premium, can't you sort of like be wherever? And now you're in like sort of a main city. You know, when we're in the Midwest or we're in, you know, yeah, I guess the Midwest, people aren't really setting their location there to find people, you know, in the same way that you might set your location to New York, LA, London, Paris, maybe Tokyo. Something's going on anywhere you go tonight.

Thank you. I don't know that song, but I love it. Yes, you do. What? Anywhere you go. What song is that? Anywhere you go tonight. London, Paris, maybe Tokyo.

Something's going on anywhere you go tonight. I think it's Hilary Duff. No, I don't know that one.is maybe joke it's called wake up by hillary wake up wake up on a saturday night what am i thinking of i'm thinking of a one that's like i love those london girls because they know how to treat you right are you thinking of california girls okay no that's a different girls one and i gotta let are you thinking about the monkeys california girls no california is not a part of mine at all i don't think are you thinking of island

go ahead do that song what was this what were you saying sing more island girl no are you thinking of um aruba jamaica oh i want to take you no i'm taking have you seen the tiktok of the it's like a girl white girl white skinny basic girl in like a penthouse apartment in new york it's it's like when i remember manhattan is an island and it's like, do you know what I'm talking about? It's so stupid. It really makes me laugh. Is it big on TikTok? Is it like one of the big ones right now?

I don't think, I don't know why I've seen it so many times, but I have, I think it got really niche for a sec. It's targeted to you. Mike, where am I meant to talk into this? Mike,

am I doing fine? And don't cut this by the way mike keep this in that's fine to keep it in up top or the side some are side guys oh oh learning how to do a podcast well shelby what else is going on in your life anything big for you you know waiting for a bunch of people to email me back which is sort of a powerful space to be in um email you back yeah for what what are you waiting on emails about mike bleep this out oh that's nice um yeah just waiting on emails is the answer um and we can cut the middle part guys guys i want you to know shelby and i just had a whole conversation about

what email she's waiting on and it won't make it to the episode but it was riveting it involves a lot of high drama there's some criminal charges i think involved yeah and if you like here are things that i think you would like about that conversation here are things if i had to do like an interest-based mapping, true crime, political drama, dramedies, generally speaking. Yeah, your emails are full of true crime dramedies. Yeah. Well, this specific saga, yeah, I think, right? Okay, yeah, okay.

Do you know what? Can I tell you something? What? do you know what can i tell you something what i because i have covet 19 the novel coronavirus i have been you know relaxing coughing sneezing contemplating about life and if contemplating i have been contemplating about life and i actually think i'm not scared of death anymore but that i don't think that's just because i have covet right now i actually was just thinking i was just thinking wow i think in the last year or so, I have stopped being afraid of death.

But even more importantly, I've started watching the other two on HBO Max. I watch the other two now. And it is so good. It's one of the best shows on television. It really is. Lindsay and I started watching it like two weeks ago, and we just finished. Me too. I'm excited for season three. It really is. Lindsay and I started watching it like two weeks ago and we just finished. Me too.

I'm excited for season three. It is so funny. But here is something. Have you finished? I have finished. Here's something. Someone once DM'd us out of the blue and said, do you guys write for the other two? What you talked about in this episode is exactly what happens in the finale.

And having seen the finale now, I don't know what they're talking about. I can't figure it out. I have no idea what they mean. We do not write for the other two, but if they're looking for writers, boy, am I putting myself in the bucket. But I don't know what we talked about ever. Oh my God, I just realized it. Nevermind, taking it all back. i just realized it never mind taking it all back i just i will say i will say though it would be truly psychotic if we wrote for a tv show and then came on our personal podcast and just like did the same improvise yeah just like did the same storylines that spot that would be that'd be chris kelly chris kelly co-created the other two and he is a genius i really everything he's done he did other people the other two okay he's a genius i really everything he's done he did other people

the other two okay he's obsessed with others well he just yeah he's but he he would be our boss and i think he would be really mad if he if we wrote for his show and then we were coming on the pod and just reenacting it before it even came out well i think what's even worse is that it was after it had come out oh it's after it had come out. Oh, it's after it had come out. Well, yes. The other two is one of the funniest shows I have seen in a long time. Pure comedy. It is so funny. And Molly Shannon is a delight in it. An incredible delight.

I love her. She's an incredible delight. I love her so much. I wonder if she'll ever run for office. No. Oh, okay. No, I didn't think so either. No, I feel confident.

And I didn't want her to. Ha ha. Ha ha. And I wouldn't vote for her. Ha ha ha. I don't think celebrities should be president. Ha ha. I'm going to run for office.

No, that was once your dream. And people don't talk about that enough. That everyone says, yucky, yucky politics. But Caleb was ready to run rampant with it i wanted to be a politician and you wanted to be a ski instructor i didn't want to be i was i fulfilled my i fulfilled no you were a ski instructor for kids you wanted to be a real one what that's the worst part teaching adults who already like you wanted to be a real one no the fun thing about teaching kids is that their bones are still soft. They're sort of like, they're sort of like, they're, they're what? That's perverted.

I don't think so. Oh, okay. I didn't know what you meant. I love kids' soft bones. All right. So you're actually being gross. What I said wasn't gross. And now the way you're saying it, the way you've interpreted

it, has been at least sort of a gross thought you have. If you're not somebody who knows skiing and someone says, I love kids and their soft bones, you think killer. That's a killer. But what I said wasn't I love kids and their soft bones. That's not what I said.

Okay. Well, you were, yeah, you were kind of a ski instructor at one point I was absolutely a ski instructor for two years yes for two years you were sort of instructing skiing and I think I was actively teaching it yeah yes we're saying the same thing you were

you were nearly a ski instructor for a couple of years I was absolutely I had to put it on a w2 right so we're on the same page. Guys, I used to have a, I used to teach when I was a ski instructor, I had this kid who was five

and he came every weekend to the mountain. He came from New York into Vermont and he was so tiny, like the tiniest kid you could ever imagine. You know when there's kids that you're like, you look at their class and you're like, how is he four years younger than them? Everyone looks so much bigger and older. And he was so, so little.

And I saw him every single weekend. And every single weekend he goes, you know, I have to have help getting on the chairlift, right? I would say, yes, I know. And then he would get on the chairlift and just go, I need a beer every time. And he would just be like, what? And it was clear that this kid's dad just had some sayings

that he said all the time that the kid had just like sort of taken to. I'm trying to think of some of the other ones. He also used to listen to definitely rap. And he like there was a time that I was cleaning in the like lunchroom and he just goes, you know what to do. And I was like, uh-uh, we aren't doing this. I was like, no, no. But the thing about being a ski instructor is you have literally no authority it's not like being a teacher we're like like you're just kind of like

okay i guess he's talking about my big fat butt now and later we're gonna hit the slopes together do you think i i i understand the maybe he had a dad with phrases that he was picking up on theory but do you think there's any world where... The kid just loved beer. He needed a beer. Yeah. Do you think there's any world where he sat on the ski lift and he just needed a beer?

It's so funny to think of him just drinking because he was so... I cannot... You guys are thinking of like a short little kid. You're not thinking small enough. This is the smallest kid I've ever seen. Whatever you have in your mind, cut it in half. That's the kid.

I was thinking like three foot. Smaller. Absolutely smaller. I mean, this dude. You think he's a foot and a half tall? You're a psycho. You're not being normal. You're not being normal right now.

No, three feet is what, here? Honey. Three feet is here. Three feet's a yardstick. Three. So this is a foot. Two. Three. He was smaller than that he was not smaller than three feet he was three feet tall he was minimum three feet tall and he loved beer three feet you could get onto some rides at an amusement park and this kid could

not he was three feet tall he loved beer and he loved fat asses this kid this kid is an icon and you tried to step on his spirit oh no i would never step on his spirit i won't i the only reason i wouldn't graduate him to higher levels of skiing is because i liked skiing with him he stuck with that's he stuck with blue for a whole season because i wanted to hang out. Yeah, that's pretty cute, actually, of you. Thank you. You're welcome. We submitted some questions to people. Oh, we don't have a guest this week. Oh my God, guys.

We don't have a guest. Sorry. I don't know if you guys were waiting. Guys, our guest this week is absolutely killer. You've seen her everywhere the past two years. Please put your hands together. It's Caleb Coronavirus. For COVID-19!

Oh my God, I wish we had someone playing COVID-19 for the episode. Jeff's not in the studio. Otherwise, I would have him come in. That'd be so fun to have an interview with COVID-19. No one's gotten that. They don't do press. No one can get her in. She's so booked.

Yeah. Very Beyonce. she's like traveling the world or whatever or whatever um here's the thing we submitted three different questions i was just kind of not sure what we wanted to talk about but some of the most interesting ones came in the second two um one of them people were giving me giving us fun facts and first of all someone said caleb looks so cute today where did you see them was not a picture so there was no picture on the thing so what is that about i don't know it says caleb looks so cute today wow oh they probably i made an instagram post uh from me doing shows recently but that's not today they maybe just got confused okay someone posted

in here and this really hurt to which question to which question it just said any anything you want to say at all i think i think the question was just tell us something random i guess okay i just thought maybe something interesting would come out of it. And a lot of interesting stuff did. Someone said, and this like genuinely hurt me. Well, first of all, someone said, I blow dry my body when I'm bored. Well. And it made me laugh. We have no scientific explanation for how eels reproduce. What do they mean?

We don't know how it happens. That is not okay with me scientists should know by now did you look it up we we might know and they just lied someone else said sharks are older than saturn rings what our listeners i don't i'm sorry our listeners i don't i'm not sure that they're telling the truth or not i love them i love you guys to death the listeners my little freaks you guys make life worth living but sometimes I feel that you guys might not be telling the truth about sharks and eels. Eels eat anything. They can survive outside of water for up to 80 years. One that has tormented the minds of Aristotle and Sigmund Freud and apparently the entire country of Italy is where do they come from? Oh, no. No. This actually brings me to what I think a lot of this episode will be about based on what people have submitted in the message, which is space is scary. But so too is the ocean. And the ocean makes no sense.

And we need to find more about it out. And that we don't know where eels come from is one of the scariest things I've ever heard. Because to me, that means there's a pocket of the ocean that they just swim out of at random. Yeah. The thing about the ocean to me has always been the same, which is we can't be looking around down there. We can't be asking questions about what goes on down there. We got to leave it alone. The ocean is so big. It is so so big do you have any idea we the ocean folks we don't even know about most of it it's the ocean what is it what's the what's the percentage 70 70 70 we don't know about the ocean right that doesn't make any sense to me how have we not figured it out no you're probably

right i'm just saying i'm looking up right now 80 80 of the ocean remains unexplored that doesn't that's not right sorry that's i think i have to rethink how i feel about scientists it's so fucking stressful it's so fucking stressful it makes me want to cry what are you talking talking about? 80% of the ocean? That's like most of the earth, right? Uh-huh. I want to know. Sorry, I'm getting stressed out.

It's just like space to me. But if you can even believe it, space is even bigger. So the ocean... Fuck. People keep talking about in our mentions about how space keeps expanding too and that was something i didn't really want to think about why did we start a podcast about i mean it really is funny we started a podcast about space and then our listeners are like genuinely interested in space and they're like guys did you know it's expanding and we're like

shut the fuck up shut up don't don't comment that it It scares us. It scares the hosts. Okay. Why couldn't we do one of those podcasts that's just some gals in the city and their dating lives? Why couldn't we do one of those iconic podcasts that's just a journalist named Carrie and her three friends? One of them's a big slut. One of them turns Jewish. Why couldn't we just do that podcast? Why couldn't we just do a podcast where we're Carrie, Charlotte, the other two?

Why couldn't we just do a podcast where we're Carrie, Charlotte? I mean, the list goes on. Why couldn't we do that? We're four girls, Carrie, Charlotte, and you know everyone else and carrie charlotte they're two friends big mr big did they ever as someone who doesn't watch that show um and we'll never name it um no freak out for the girlies no freak out for the girlies but

did they ever name him or was his name always mr big or did we know his name and everyone just called him mr big his name is mr big legally damn that's crazy his birth certificate says mr when he was a baby he was mr big they actually do a flashback there's a there's a bottle episode where we are with mr big as a, and it's his parents being like, our sweet Mr. Big, and they carry him out of the hospital. That's in season one. It's episode three. Season one, episode three is a bottle episode. One of our listeners also submitted to the

Just Tell Us Anything, and they said, we live closer to the pyramids being built. You know, that means nothing. So there's a lot of interesting stuff in here. We live closer to the pyramids being built. We live closer to the pyramids being built. Hey, what are you going to do?

We live closer to the pyramids being built. Any questions? What do you think that that means? We live closer to the pyramids being built we live closer and by the way folks that is ended with a space exclamation point now here's something interesting when we asked our listeners we asked our listeners you guys we said what are your thoughts on space and aliens just generally now there were a lot of responses and i'm sure we'll get into a lot of them but this person

responded we're all slowly marching towards death does it matter the galaxy now that is an interesting perspective i like that you put in and i think you're correct too but that you put in a comma that they failed to put in and so actually it says does it matter the galaxy yeah or are they saying does it matter the galaxy like does the galaxy does what galaxy we're in matter do you know i'm saying yeah i will say a lot of our followers too are on our side people are responding things like i'm sorry I can't handle that today. I don't like to think about it. It's too big. Someone just said the word scary.

I think these are the correct kind of... Someone said, terrifying, never ever want to think about it either, but love the pod so much, so it makes no sense. Yeah, that is true. Our podcast does not make much sense we're two people who are terrified of space talking about it constantly i guess we're talking more about stuff than space makes me want to throw up but i'm intrigued is correct this person said shelby is right it is very scary excuse me shelby and i just present so brave you just present so brave you immediately you immediately go on the defensive

trying to no no it's just because you're like really um strong oh here's a question i think it's actually because you say you don't believe in aliens now i believe in space i do i believe in aliens no not with any degree of confidence do i believe they maybe exist i'll say again on the record yes they could exist i just don't believe it. I haven't seen enough. Shelby, here's a question for you. If you had to go to space tomorrow for five years, now you have to do it. It's for the government.

I love those guys. I know. And that's why I knew you would do it because you are extremely pro-government. You have to go to space for five years. You can only take with you one type of music, one streaming platform, and all of their original content,

and four people that you've met in your life. You have to have met them in person. It doesn't matter how briefly or how well you knew them. What would you do? Now, again, the question is, if you had to go to space for five years, you have to do it because it's for the government. You can only take with you one type of music, one streaming platform, and all of their branded original content and four people that you've met in your life.

Who would you take with you? The streaming platform is both the easiest and the hardest i've made a case already in my head for three of them yeah and we're gonna bleep whatever you say oh that makes us really easy um you're like you're like you're like which one is most likely to hire me soon um well i think the biggest library is wow but i mean bleep that of course mike no free clap for the girlies but wow good choice yeah i think they have the biggest library but they have no but they have really not very many good originals at all they're probably the farthest behind on originals yeah it's them it's them and one other platform that i'm like their originals are lacking the obvious leader in originals is the the big red one the big the big red but big green is

right behind big green's getting there big you know what big green has that partnership with big purple and big purple and big purple has a lot of like really good originals yeah extremely good and in that way i'm like okay so is big green actually the move because big purple no you wouldn't get to access big purple oh well then you don't go big green no no you're you're you're you already picked though you're going big yellow yeah we're going big yellow so what kind what kind of music and what four people and then what kind of music and what four people? And then what kind of music? That's actually really tricky because it has to be something that's not going to start

to annoy you at some point, you know? And which sort of to me, even though I genuinely, this is no shade on pop, love pop music. I'm like, that would get annoying. Four years of just that, I think we'd get into a dark place pretty quick. Yeah. Pop is hard to do in space i would imagine yeah and i am the other thing is that i imagine space itself sounds a lot like synth music i think i go indie pop indie pop indie pop okay i think that's narrow enough for me to allow it yeah indie was too broad i decided i had to get into something a little bit indie just meant like

they're not repped right independent not even anymore not even anymore indie so yeah indie makes no sense and that's why i sort of chose it but then i said indie pop it's upbeat but it's a little it's not the same as every song every song is a little different. Usually someone cool is producing it. So... Now four people that you've met in your life. So the reality is, it's four years. Am I being sent up there with a mission? Your mission is to be up there for five years for the government with four people. We don't have to make more people do we i mean whatever you

get into is your business but no it's not part of the job okay okay but it's interesting that that's where your mind went well i'm like either i want people to be doing it with each other and and i want delete that. That's all I want. That's staying in. That's staying in. That's got to go. Mike has my back. Mike has my back.

That's got to go in the episode. Oh, my God. No, Mike's deleting that. Mike has my back and he will delete it. No, Mike. Okay. No, Mike's deleting that. Mike has my back and he will delete it. No, Mike. Okay, so you said what you said. No, it's being deleted. So which four people would you go with?

Yeah. I don't know. It actually is the hardest question in the world because I don't like really that many people to be alone with for five years with nothing else going on. Well, I can't think of a single person I'd want to do that with. So then I'm like, maybe it's someone who I don't know that well. Then we got a lot of time to get to know each other, you know?

Yeah. I mean, I think eventually you just have to start saying names probably. It just has to be someone I've met before. So I'm going to say it is, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I'm stressed out at the idea say four names of people you've met I dare you I've never in this moment I'm realizing I've never met anyone before wow okay I'll start answering my question then um my music of choice I'm going to choose acoustic singer-songwriter genre. Acoustic singer-songwriter songs.

That's going to go. My streamer is going to be... Which, of course, Mike will bleep because no freak out for the girlies. My people, I'm going to take with me for my five years in space. Extremely easy question. Had no trouble answering it. Shelby, Mike, Jake, and Amir. And I would take them to space with me for my five years in space? Extremely easy question. Had no trouble answering it. Shelby, Mike, Jake, and Amir. And I would take them to space with me and I wouldn't do any of the stuff that Shelby described in her answer, which I think she's trying to have cut from the

episode. And I think we would have a lot of fun up there. And I think we would learn about each other. And I think it would be a beautiful experience. Do you think they would build us a studio in space? No. No. And if they did, it'd be on the busiest road in the galaxy. What would you delete from the record, Shelby? Whoa. Not of all time. Just like right now, like in in your life recently what would you delete from

the records um i would i'm sort of outing myself on this right now lately i've been snoring a lot and i would delete snoring conceptually from the records i it is annoying to be a part of it culturally i would on that note i would delete i don't know if this happens to anyone else I might be embarrassing myself by saying this but the thing when you're on a plane and you fall asleep but you keep waking yourself up with your own snore it happens to me all the time I'll be falling asleep and then I'll just wake up and be like what was that noise and then I go oh fuck that was from me I was snoring something that's been happening lately is that when i'm sleeping i know i'm snoring but i think i'm awake like i'm half awake half asleep i know i'm snoring

but i'm like i think i'm thinking that i'm stopping it and then lindsey will hit me to get me to be quieter why would i will be like, I'm already awake. I have to stop you right there. Why would she be around while you're sleeping? Because I live in her house right now. But you guys don't sleep in the same room. There's only one room in the house. There's not a living room with a couch or something?

The couch is so small you wouldn't believe it. I'm just, I guess I'm confused because you guys aren't married. No. But you sleep together. Yeah. I think we forgot to take a break for the ads. We should probably take a break for the ads. That's why you want to take a break just for the ads?

Yeah, I just want to do the ads. Let's just do the ads really quick. Okay, you take a second and we can do ads if that'll make you want to take a break just for the ads yeah i just want to do the ads let's just do the ads really quick okay you take a second and we can do ads if that'll make you feel better okay now that we're on a break shelby i'm worried that you're gonna go to hell welcome bark welcome bark woof shelby would you give us a woof? What kind? Describe the dog that I'm barking. German Shepherd. Those are big, big boys, yeah? I'm actually weirdly nervous.

If it was a little dog, no nerves at all. Big dog makes me real nervous. Well, you asked like you were going to have a good take. I'm going to try. That's what's making me nervous. If I was just gonna go that was it what if i was like that was it no go ahead actually yeah not bad not bad yeah i got nervous i will say if it was a little dog i was right here you were right to be nervous because i was i was prepared to to be really critical yeah but i think i kind of did better than i thought you got there um so mike put something in the chat that i think

we need to address cleopatra lived closer in time to the building of the first pizza hut than to the building of the pyramids. Is it crazy that that doesn't mean anything to me? It means a lot to me. I thought because, and this is my fault, okay? This is me being stupid, girl. But I thought Cleopatra was sort of overseeing some of the building of the pyramids. I thought she was a part of it. Well, of the pyramids. She was a part of it. Well, this is the problem.

Actively a part of the process. This is the problem. I don't really know who Cleopatra is. I don't really know what she did. I just, I, I also, you could do that. You could do that formula with anything and it would immediately shock me. But then if I think about it, like you could be it, you could be like, Dr. Fauci was born on the same day as Aaron Rodgers. And I'd be like, whoa, that's crazy. But then if I thought about it more,

I'd be like, oh, yeah, they could be the same. You could do that with anything. The formula of saying two things that seem disparate together in a statement, that's shocking. But I don't know who Cleopatra is. I don't know anything about her. I don't know what she did or liked or why she even had a fandom. Fandom? Well, she was really funny on Twitter. Was she a queen?

She was royalty, I think. Okay, that's really cool for her, and I love that. And that's actually more than a lot of people have done. Damn, she was born in 69 BC. Nice nice nice nice nice nice nice um did you you brought up aaron rogers do you have any takes or thoughts on shailene woodley's absolutely bizarre instagram um posts yesterday i think she's a magnificent woman. I think that every guy should be so lucky to settle down with a girl like her.

She has responded publicly to her boyfriend not getting the vaccine and then getting COVID and then being out for the Chiefs game, which helped them win, barely. By going out in public and talking about how big his dick is. And I think that

is a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful relationship. And you don't see women behaving like that anymore. Can you imagine, and Caleb, I know that you did the same thing, so I guess you super can imagine, but calling the fear factor guy for medical advice after you get the deathly illness? I can actually yeah

i think that's pretty funny i mean i think at some point you just get so rich and so dumb that everything seems possible to you you're like oh joe rogan really might have the answer to the like the biggest viral outbreak in a century i have learned to hate both aaron rogers and shailene woodley through the past week or so okay talk to me about that um first of all shailene woodley does have absolutely the the energy of so so crunchy crystals that you wouldn't that you would be an anti-vaxxer like that is sort of the vibe i got from yeah from day one yeah 100 but also she she really puts on this activism hat so often that i thought surely she would still get vaccinated i'm learning that that's not true right um that's part one of of it all uh part two is is the the the weird lying

rogers did he was like when they said are you vaccinated he said i'm immunized that's how he got away with like a bunch of stuff in the nfl is because when they asked him if he was vaccinated he said he was immunized in immunized. I actually don't know how to put the emphasis on that word. I think it's immunized. Sure, so that. Well, why would they accept that? That also is like, if you ask someone like, hey, did you take a shit on the lawn? And they go, oh, I've been out most of the day.

It's like, no, you say, yes, I took a shit on the lawn. Or no, I didn't take a shit on the lawn and so he was also like going to a bunch of events saying he was like immunized yeah and hoping that people and they did believe that that meant vaccinated and then he literally got got it and i just and then their energy throughout him being like, yeah. And I still believe what I did is good. Has me thinking, huh, really? And then Shailene Woodley being like, my boyfriend actually has massive feet and hairy hands and would never drive your bunk ass car. Has me going, what the hell is going on?

I would absolutely love to see a graph that tells us how many of our regular listeners know anything about the NFL. I would love because it's kind of weird that we do. You know what I mean? Like, I would love to see weird that we do. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to see how many of our listeners are like keeping up with the Aaron Rodgers story and know anything about you guys heard it here first, folks folks if you listen to this podcast which you do because you're hearing me say this go on to apple reviews right now and let us know five stars and if you do or do not know anything about the nfl yeah just what you know about the nfl you can even just put you can just put in the review what you know about the nfl you

can be like yeah i know that they get four downs and each one is 10 yards. You can just put that in the review. Those reviews are mostly for us, I think. We want the statistical numbers, but the words, I think. We like reading the nice things. So if you want to say those two, go ahead. But you don't have to. We just want to know how much you know about the NFL in a five-star review for the podcast. Now, another thing we did on the Instagram story is we asked you, the followers,

our beautiful, beautiful, hot, sexy followers. podcast now another thing we did on the instagram story is we asked uh you the followers our beautiful beautiful hot sexy followers our gorgeous gorgeous our gorgeous soft boned followers we asked you guys what would you add or delete from the records one of my favorite responses was was delete flip-flops, worst footwear, not a shoe. I love that. I think to follow it all up with not a shoe. It's so, so funny. It reads really like, sorry to say it, Trump. Trump's funny, dude.

Hate flip-flops not a shoe we have to delete flip-flops worst footwear not a shoe i can tell he's been out for a long time because your impression's getting worse i have covid it's the covid it's the covid it's not because trump's been away i do miss him though no i do what do. What did he put? He posted something or he said something recently that was objectively very funny. I didn't really, I didn't really ever like, uh,

not ever, but I really tried most of the time to not engage with him online in any kind of like, Oh, look at this idiot. Like, isn't this like, I tried not to do any of that for the obvious reasons,

but I will say I was privately sending his stuff in group chats all the time being like, look, he is, he's got to go. Someone should take care of it. And I'm not going to say how I just his whole presidency. I was thinking that somebody would step up and take care of it. Nobody did. And I don't mean like a member of Congress. I mean, like a citizen would step up at a rally and sort of take care of it.

And it never happened you know i mean through discourse or any other way i thought that someone would handle it and it never happened and i thought yeah he's bad he shouldn't be president but god some of the stuff he says when he did the photo shoot with kim jong-un and he asked the reporters when they were taking pictures if they were making if they were making him and Kim Jong-un look thin and handsome I was like come on that's the that's the funniest thing I've ever heard are you making

Kim Jong-un look thin and handsome he said to the reporters that's funny who would win in a fight big bird or ted cruz hand-to-hand combat hand-to-hand combat i hate to say this but i do think it's ted cruz because i agree with you but i'm not happy about it no it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it but big bird has really long thin weak limbs weak limbs. Thin, thin limbs. Thin, thin limbs. The thinnest pencil thin.

Little string arms. Little string legs. And the balance can't be all there. I think it would take one good strike from Ted Cruz to the legs. One sweep of the leg. One sweep of the leg. And Ted Cruz is a Texas boy. He's corn fat.

It just takes one sweep of the leg from Ted. One sweep of the leg. I think Ted could a Texas boy. He's corn fat. It just takes one sweep a da leg from Ted. One sweep a da leg. I think Ted could snap that neck. No problem. No problem. Right? No problem. I'm not happy about it.

I want you guys, the listeners, to know we're not happy about it. I don't want to see Big Bird get hurt. I don't want to see Ted Cruz win. I just want to, I just, I just have to believe that he would. We have a podcast. We have a platform. We have, I think the podcast now is getting, I want to say 500,000 downloads a month. And we have a responsibility to tell the truth. Look, Big Bird would lose in a fight to Ted Cruz. It doesn't bring us joy to report the news. That's just our job. We get paid a lot of money to tell the truth. We get paid. I don't even want to say i don't even want to say yeah i don't even

want to get into the point is that we get paid way too much you guys would not believe you guys would not believe the amount of money we get to do this and all they ask is that we tell the truth and that we do not it's in the contract bring up jake and amir's shared company, Miata. Constantly, we are asked not to bring that up. Constantly, I have to. Because again, the truth is that it exists. And we've asked before what takes precedent. And it is always the truth, they said. And we've asked also to test drive it, to borrow it.

And we've been told pretty consistently no. And we've been told it's because we don't talk badly about Jeff James on the podcast enough. And we've been asked not to call him Jeff. We've been asked to call him by his full name, Jeffrey. But we don't want to talk bad about him. He's a pretty good dude. He's an okay dude. Yeah.

Well, you knew what I meant. He's all right. He's fine. Yeah, he's fine. He's fine. Whoa. What? Somebody. he's fine whoa what somebody um whoo somebody put something pretty emotional on the records

this person said that they would add when pets tongues stick out a little bit when they nap that's pretty fucking cute she'll be are you okay When they nap. That's pretty fucking cute. Shelby, are you okay? Shelby was pretending to cry, but not enough that you guys will know. It's more for me than anything. Oh, it's the smallest. It's not even registering on the microphone i don't think shelby it's too small you got to do something um yeah i'm a camera actress not a stage actress okay i gotta tell you i don't think that would

come across on camera i just gotta tell you it's called subtlety Oh yeah I don't I wouldn't I can't Someone said Adding the morning after going out with your besties And getting shitty breakfast and coffee Now I would counter Getting good breakfast

I would counter not going out the night before And just having lunch with your friends I think that would be pretty fun I don't know if you have a feeling on this. I know you have a lot of friends that would. Deleting WWE. What do you think? I think I'm fine to leave it where it's at.

I don't need to highlight it. But if they were to find out, I don't think I need to bury it. Yeah, I don't think it does enough either way. WWE is like whatever to me. I liked it a lot when I was a kid I really don't understand and this is not me being critical I don't understand how that fandom continues into adulthood personally but I don't think it's weird for it to

I just go my own personal experience was that I lost interest when I was like 12 or 13 and so I have a hard time understanding how that doesn't happen for other people because people who are different than me are sometimes a mystery. Professional fighting generally does not make much sense to me, right? Like I don't understand boxing. I don't like to see them getting hurt. I don't understand. Well, but that's different because they're actually fighting. But that's what I'm going to say. But at least I understand like there is a,

but the thing is there's a skill to all of it but even still i'm like but suspending your disbelief as an adult who knows better that people are like doing the things they're doing in wwe is and the the like flamboyancy of the acting of it all it's so wild to as an as an adult, be like, I still believe it. I still like it. Well, here's the thing. I don't think a lot of adults, I understand all of the things.

Yeah, I think the most, most adults, I think, who like WWE and like, what is it? AEW and like professional wrestling. I think they would all say,

yeah, I know it's not real. I don't care. It's camp. It's drama. It's storylines. It's, and I understand yeah, I know it's not real. I don't care. It's camp, it's drama, it's storylines. And I understand that. And I have no judgment of it. I think it's a cool thing to be into. I just go, yes, I understand all of what you're saying. But even knowing that, I got off when I was 12. And so that to me, it's a different thing. And people who are different than me often have a lot of questions to answer.

There is something kind of interesting, sort of mostly in a positive way, about the fandom of WWE, which is primarily straight. I would say it's pretty hetero. Being so into it because I do think it's like i think it is really kind of queer coded it's very homoerotic and it's and the acting is very like it's drag for straight men yo i think i would have been off of it when i was like nine if they hadn't had so many like randy orton was fucking hot i was like whoa this is kind of know, it's very homoerotic. And I think there are people who lean into that and know that and are like, oh, that's cool. And then I think there are people who are completely unaware.

And that to me is even stranger. Shelby, you left me. Where'd you go, babe? Shelby, where'd you go, babe? You checked out, babe. Where'd you go? Can we delete action sequences in movies? No.

Well, hold on. What do they mean? I don't know. They said, can we delete action sequences in movies? It's their record, babe. I think we got to hear them out. This is the global. I mean, sure, you can say that.

I think I want to keep them in. I think I do, too. Well, then that's the verdict. I was trying to challenge you. like a good sparring partner, like a good, you know, like, like we have to, you know, like good cop, bad cop, you know? Delete all social media posts starting with sometimes. What? What?

Delete. All social media posts starting with that's making any sense I'm struggling to think of even a time that I've seen one started with sometimes and it went bad sometimes I would say if you're gonna do one like that delete any social media post that ends with rant over

kill I mean I won't say rant over is crazy rant over anytime somebody says rant over at the end of a post they have done way too much i will say do i like tldr conceptually no i think it's annoying do i like having that yes i always want it if you're gonna post something long always give me an at the end thing that is a little summary in two sentences or less. Hey, I agree. But I don't like when someone says TLDR. But I do like conceptually what that represents.

Shelby, I have a question for you. What's up? If you could give a message to the aliens, just right now off the top of your head, what would it be? Sometimes. I'm just kidding. JLDR, sometimes. Hey, friends, if I may be so bold.

It's me, Shelby, from Earth. I'm thinking that we might have a lot in common, you and me, both alive right now. I'm hoping that you want nothing but peace with me. I want no war. If I could be, I will hang out with you and show you around here if you're interested. We've got, I know, some good spots for food. If you have places you want to take me to also, that would be great.

I love you guys already. Again, not to come on too strong. What is the rest of space like? Are they telling us the truth, question mark? Love you guys again, Shelby. Wow. That really brought a tear to my eye. That was really so beautiful, Shelby.

Do you think they would like it? If they have an understanding of syntax in human language, I think it was a little stilted. I think it was kind of had some hard stops and weird. Yeah, I'm really nervous talking to them. Yeah, and I think it was a little stilted. I think it had some hard stops and weird... Yeah, I'm really nervous talking to them. Yeah, and I think it showed. But I think that's okay. So I don't know.

But I think if they just read it, maybe it would be different. But I think it was ultimately, as somebody who knows you and the intention, I think it was really, really beautiful. Thank you. Hey, someone posted cats that stand on their hind legs. And that brings me to my question for you. Is my cat alive? Your cat is alive and well.

Yeah, I've been quarantined with her. She's been pretty normal, which is one of her least favorite things to be. And we've really been, it's kind of our goodbye farewell to her i don't think i'll ever see her again after this you will hmm recently you asked me you said something about coming over and i made a joke about how you wouldn't come over and you were like what the fuck so i have a good feeling that you will be seeing her because that would be part of coming over. You think I'm going to come over to your new place? You've told me emphatically that you want to.

Nice. Okay. Well, maybe I would see her there then, I guess. I guess it just depends on what her day is like. But yeah, that could be part of it. Something about this microphone that you're not thinking about is that it smells like cologne. Hmm. Well, shall we mike is absolutely disgusted by that shelby why don't you why don't you tell people where they can find you i want to get you away

from that mike i want to get you away from that mic as soon as possible i still can't get over we live close to the pyramids exclamation point yeah well we can continue to process that offline if you need to or we can what what you found something new frogs frogs have to push their eyeballs in to swallow google if you don't believe no i'm not gonna google that and i believe it i believe it what does that even look like do you think it probably is because they have to like it's like a pressure thing right like you gotta bring your they need the they need the the help The eyeballs coming back provides more aerodynamic sort of scientific.

Are you Googling it? Just watching a quick video. Oh, God. Shelby, don't watch the video. I haven't seen the video yet, but I've seen an image and the eyes go into their throat. In a way that you would never believe. I think I believe it. I'm actually so afraid of this. I haven't seen the video yet, but I've seen an image and the eyes go into their throat. Huh? You have to respect that. In a way that you would never believe. I think I believe it.

I'm actually so afraid of this. This is the worst thing anyone's ever told me. I'm so upset by it. They go into their mouth. Why do people not want to see me happy? You mean our listeners? Yeah. They're praying for your downfall.

By sending you frog-related swallowing eye stuff, I think, yeah, they're really out to get you. Okay. I didn't like seeing it. So let's... I think it's time to wrap up the episode, Shell. Why don't you tell people where they can find you? You can find me in L.A. Don't you tell people where they can find you you can find me on in la

don't you have don't you have like literally three shows next week after the podcast comes out head gum live well actually it's not head gum live actually i think that is what they're calling it hey there's there's a show with HeadGum at, well, actually it says they'll tell you the address when you buy tickets. So go ahead and do that. On Wednesday, on Friday, there's another show called Summer of Butt. I get it. That's not the season.

But that's the show title. So that's on Friday. Caleb, tell the people where they can find you you can find you can find shelby and i both online at the keeping records social media channels on twitter and instagram if you haven't followed yet please do and also please review the pod you can find me on all social media caleb says things and i'm not doing any live shows right now i had to cancel all of them for the foreseeable future because I have COVID-19. But before that, I was doing a lot of live shows in LA. I'll be doing more. And I am also... Holmes Holmes and I are trying to plan a tour for maybe like February when my current job is over. So maybe I'll see you little freaks around.

But if not, you can come find me and Shelby both in Los Angeles, California. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Bye, guys. That was a Hiddem Original.