Keeping Records - The Power of That (with Greta Titelman)

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Caleb is off on a long-haul fishing boat, being forced by the crew to bite the head off of a live herring as a hazing ritual. That means Shelby is going to need some assistance this week. Enter: comedian Grace Kuhlenschmidt. The guest host we need. The guest host we deserve. Together, Shelby and Grace welcome comedian, actress, and writer Greta Titelman to the pod to unpack what is easily the most ambitious record to date—a full-length compilation drawing from every discipline, plus one thing that only makes sense in writing if your podcast player supports text formatting. And yes, they are going to get through The. Entire. Record. Greta's Artifacts Grape lady falls! (audio-visual) Being on mushrooms on the beach, genuinely experiencing the miracle of life (multi-sensory experience) Manolo Blahnik shoes (clothing) Pad Thai (food) Rihanna, Talk That Talk (audio) Being a teenager and making out in your car to emo music (multi-sensory experience) Cashmere (clothing fiber) Kettle Brand Dill Pickle Potato Chips (food) Drop Dead Gorgeous (audio-visual) Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Madonna's 2003 VMA performance (audio-visual) Ryan Gosling (human being) Saying THAT in a fight (social interaction) Follow Greta on Instagram and Twitter, and listen to her new Headgum podcast Senior Superlatives with Greta Titelman on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well. Who is that? That's not.

I'm Caleb. Perfect impression. Shelby, I'm Caleb. I think it's pretty good. Caleb, what's one secret that only you know? Because my room is in your same apartment. What is Caleb? No guys, Caleb is long haul fishing

So we have a guest host today The incomparable Grace Kuhlenschmidt Yep Thanks for having me Shelby Oh let's do this like a new show Please actually don't Grace how are you? I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling pretty good. I've kind of had a lazy day. How are you?

It's so crazy to say that because for me, it's 11 a.m. and I'm like, you couldn't have. You could have been lazy and it could still be one of the most productive days of your life. You have the whole day ahead of you. No, for me, it's, it's 2 PM, which means the day's over. There's nothing else you can do. There's nothing else you can do besides clean dishes, fold laundry. Those are the only thing. I just did my dishes. Wait, I'm having the most productive day of my life. Fuck. I really need to do them. Um, well, I had no room in my sink anymore. Oh, that makes sense. My brother is visiting right now and, you know, he hasn't, he hasn't cleaned the thing. So men, um, I know.

Wait, Grace, something happened to me last night or this morning, right? Well, the middle of the night and I have to tell you about it. I went to sleep listening to like calming sounds on YouTube. Okay. It was like rainforest sounds or something. Is this something you do all the time? Not all the time. But if I really can't sleep, I'm like, then, and Caleb's not home.

Caleb usually will like be moving around and that is peaceful to me. Totally. But Caleb's not home. And so then I'm like, the silence gets too scary. And my cat will do stuff that makes me think bad things are happening in the house. So I listen to something just to like, you know, keep the death away. And in the middle of the night, I woke up and I usually click don't autoplay. I say, I only want to listen to this one thing.

But I woke up in the middle of the night and I had turned to ASMR and it was some guy talking. And it was like one of those ASMR role plays. And I woke up to like a man's voice being like, I'm just going to put my hand right here. And I thought, so clear as day. I was like, someone's in the house. And I kept my eyes closed because I was like, I don't want to see it happen. Like, I don't want to be a witness. And then I eventually opened my eyes and was like, my god it's a it's I've been tricked

I've been pranked by the computer that's really scary but what was it it was just an ASMR role play of like some guy it was like a doctor role play have you ever seen this oh my no I have to talk about it we'll talk to our guest about. We'll talk to our guest about it. We'll talk to our guest about it. It's, it's really, um, it's a unique part of YouTube that I actually really respect. Um, whoa. We have an incredible guest today.

Woo. Um, tell it like it is. Shelby. Tell it like it. Let's go. You know, from HBO's loves the spookies comedy

central next season of search party and most important her new podcast on head gum senior superlatives it's greta titleman titleman hi oh my god what a beautiful intro wait this guy's name is dr role play no oh my god i wish no it's the so asmr is a unique community on youtube yes yes but what did you say i didn't he was doing a role play as a doctor but whispering and i think it's like people who want um personal attention like it it's like front facing comedy but whispering whispering and relaxing. Interesting. They're just kind of like, hey, is it okay if I touch your face? Like that's kind of what happens.

Weird. But I didn't know that that was playing and I woke up to it and it was a man just like talking about touching my face. And it was one of the, I'm probably the most scared I've been in a while. Terrifying. For sure. Awful. Spooky season.

Spooky season. Are you guys the type of person who, okay, you're in your home alone. You think there's an intruder. Are you grabbing like a weapon or are you closing your eyes? And because what I do is I will open the door to the room I think the person is in and I'll go, just kill me now. No, you do not. I literally do. No, you don't.

I literally do. Why? Because it would scare them at the least. And if they do, they'll be like, okay, sure. And at the best, they'll be like. And shoot me. Yeah. Well, my mom always told me that if like someone tries to fuck with me on the street,

that I should just act like so unhinged, crazy. Yes. I've always heard that. To just freak them out. But here's the thing. If someone's actually, because I've thought about this a lot. Because I grew up in an apartment and now I live in a house in LA. And the home switch.

I lived in an apartment my whole upbringing. And then I lived in an apartment in New York for a decade. And now I'm in a house. Tiny house, but still a house. Scary. Terrified. But a house nonetheless. A lot of windows.

A lot of windows. No one around to, you know, run to. Like the thing about apartment buildings is that people, intruders, have so many apartments to choose from. So many options. So it's like if you're living in a building with 50 units, there's a 1 in 50 chance that yours gets picked. You know? Mine, you're on the block, you think it's cute, you just come on in.

And Greta, remind me your address. No, we'll bleep it out. We'll bleep it out. To finish my thought, my whole thing is I first, before, if I'm alone at my house, think of all the ways I'm going to escape my house. And then if I can't do that, immediately murder. I become the murderer. Immediately need to get ready to, I need to have like.

Okay, roll switch. Yeah, because I can't have a knife. You have to get too close. So you need to have like a golf club or a bat so that you can just fucking swing and then go. I have, Oh, I don't. Oh no.

She doesn't have it. I thought I had a baseball bat in my corner. No, but I only have a selfie stick. The intruder took it. The selfie stick. I literally only have a selfie stick. You take a picture with the murderer.

You go, ah, smile. I really do. Um, see it in the corner. Yeah. Yeah.

I, in college, um, fully had in the corner. Yeah. Yeah. I, in college, um, fully had an intruder come into my room. He was actually really, um, harmless, but I didn't know that at the time.

Well, I thought that at the time he, I had people staying, my roommate had people staying with us and I didn't know any of them. And then in the middle of the night, someone came, I lived in the attic. Someone came up my stairs and just goes, can I sleep in here?

What? And I go, what? Oh, my God. Where did you go to school? University of Vermont. And I was just like, what? No, go sleep downstairs. Thinking it was one of these people that were staying with us.

In the morning, I went to work. I was a snowboard instructor. Okay. Love that. Hold for applause. Hold for applause. Really a snowboard instructor. Okay. Love that. Hold for applause. Hold for applause. Hold for applause. Really cool.

Yeah, very cool. Thank you. Um, I was at work and I get a call from my roommate that's like,

hey, who's in the bathroom? And the guy slept in the bathroom and he was just someone who like came in off the street, came into my room,

asked to sleep in there and then when I said no, like slept in the bathroom. Oh my God. So I know that I would be really stupid with an intruder and I would kind of treat them like family. Yeah.

You're like, can I grab you another blanket? Yeah. I'm like, oh my God, no, you cannot sleep in my bed. But while you're here, I could make you like a warm milk in the microwave. Yeah. Wow. That's really nice of you. Warm milk.

Murderers are people too. And i don't think we talk about that we really don't yeah we really don't and we should we should um greta we brought you here for a reason greta me and grace have been talking for weeks about this and we really wanted to ask you you know i'm just so thrilled i I wish Caleb were here because I don't know him that well at all. Right. Shelby, this is our first time interfacing as

well. I know. But you know the thing about me and Grace is we're basically siblings. A minute ago Grace was talking about being your wife. Yes. We're siblings, lovers. And that happens in some places. It's kind of a cultural thing. your wife Yes well we're siblings Lovers And that happens in some places It's kind of a cultural thing

We're siblings, we're lovers, we're mothers We're brothers, we're everything I'm a bitch Greta just to Ease your Insecurity in not meeting Caleb He's not really nice to talk to And he's good He's good on paper He nice to talk to and he's good on he's

good on paper he's kind of the guy that's good on paper but when you meet him you're like don't go out with him yeah yeah you know yeah he has all the right things checks all the boxes but somehow something's off yeah we wish that wasn't the case and we wish it weren't we wish that so badly but it is but Grace and I really wanted to ask you. Yes. Grace, do you want to ask? Greta, if a spaceship goes up into space and Earth is

defeated and there is one record left, what do you put on that record, girlie? Okay. So you, you know, I, I submitted a lot of answers. 11. 11. And I know that you only asked for five, but I could have, I could have honestly, I could have honestly given you 30, but the thing is I, I did, I, I just was like, Greta, you just need to write some shit down. So this is just what came to me in about,

uh, you know, maybe a 120 second moment of my life. Okay. That's two minutes for all my math heads out there. So where are your, where my math heads at little guys? Pause.

It's true. Okay. The first thing I want to put on the record or my record, I guess, would be the Grape Lady falling video on YouTube. And the original video.

I don't want there to be some like weird dubstep mashup cut. I want it to be the raw, original file. I don't want you to see it slowed down. I don't want you to see it sped up. I want you to see it in its purest form. And if you are unfamiliar with this video, you are either very young or you are living under a goddamn rock. Okay. Because it is the essence of comedy, this video. And I do think about the woman that fell once a week because I do wonder how, I, I, I truly do wonder what the injuries she sustained were because you know, it was bad.

And I honestly think she probably cracked a vertebrae. Something. I mean, I think she had to. Do you guys think it's that bad? I think she fell directly on her neck. The noise that's haunting about it. Oh, stop. Oh, I can't breathe. She broke a couple ribs. We just found out. She broke a couple ribs.

Which, by the way, having sustained a rib injury from falling off a skateboard last year, that is so fucking painful because there's nothing you can do to fix it. You guys have brought up snowboard, skateboard. I'm like, I slept till 11 a.m. But the thing that I like about the Grape Lady video, Grace, and you can get on the skateboard after we finish this call, and I know that you can go out there and shred. Yeah, I did.

It's just kind of like it's's very like, it's showing humanity. You know what I mean? We're seeing someone that's hopeful. We're seeing someone that's wanting to explore making wine. And then we're seeing someone fall. And falling is comedy. But then we're seeing someone that's in pain. And then we're seeing empathy.

You know what I mean? So we're kind of on a journey so that's that's a really important video in my mind i think isolated that sound might be the language the aliens speak it's haunting they go and then she falls yeah well what we we're also seeing is she's trying to cheat. She's ultimately trying to cheat. And so we're also seeing karma. Yes, we are also seeing karma. We're seeing karma happen in real life.

Yeah, I mean, it really is when she goes, stop! And then she tries to mush really fast and then that's what makes her fall. And then you hear that haunting, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, noise. It's so funny. Also, do you know what the um background of it is like who was filming was it live it was for a news it was for a news show it was like for a wine festival that was happening and it was so it was live i believe so it was live she's like on like a big have you seen it grace yeah i watched it but now i'm like what did i watch it

she's like on a big it's like high up back right to the newscasters yes at the end like after she's on the ground and they're just kind of like i think she's actually hurt no i think she is yeah she's hurt she took a hard fall off there okay gosh i hope she's okay. To me, the grape lady falling video is tied with the gay blind mountain climber news video. After the break, we're going to interview Eric Weihandmayer, who climbed the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest. But he's gay. I mean, he's gay. Excuse me. He's blind.

So we'll hear about that. Which I also love, but there's something that is so intense about the grape lady falling video, but there's a consequence. There's a real consequence. Yeah. Um, you said not the dubstep version and I agree with that wholeheartedly, but I do think there's a place on the records for dubstep remixes of viral videos. Yes. Because that is one of the weirdest parts of humanity. Yes. What's the one that I'm thinking of?

The hide your kids, hide your wife one. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife. There's something about the inclination of humans to do that that is ultimately fascinating. I can't. And it's still happening. I mean, it happened with Cardi B saying coronavirus.

It's getting real. Remember, it became a full song. Has someone done it yet to Adele? When Adele goes, am I going to collab with Peppa Pig? No. I'm sure someone is trying. They're already on TikTok Is Adele stuff.

Like Adele sounds. Yeah. I don't remember what they are, but they exist. The kids are alright. The kids are alright. Greta, what is next on your record? Next is being high on mushrooms at the beach, genuinely experiencing

the miracle of life. Is there an age limit to this is my question um is there an age limit to this i mean like you should probably only do that if you're um you know feeling like grounded potentially in your life i don't know what that means i'm not going to prescribe an age to anyone or anything. I think that you should probably be over the age of like 18 maybe. I don't fucking know but I'm not a doctor. You know what I mean? So I'm not here to

tell you what not to do, honey. You heard it here first. If you can vote, you can go to the beach, get high on mushrooms and experience the miracle of life. Absolutely. And Greta is not a doctor. And honey, I ain't no doctor. I might be doctor role play but I'm no real doctor um yeah to me I just think that I guess this would be like a sensory experience yeah have you guys ever done that no well I was gonna ask have you multiple times it's one of my greatest I just like the idea that you put this on

and you were like I'd love to try yeah I haven't but I'd love to try, have you? Multiple times. It's one of my greatest choices in life. I just like the idea that you put this on and you were like, I'd love to try. Yeah, I haven't, but I'd love to try it. I've heard it's amazing, but I'd love to try. No, I see what I mean with age is I'm like, is this the type of thing that you're going to keep doing forever? Yes, forever. I love to hear that. My mom is presently on the beach doing ayahuasca.

Really? Are you serious? Dead ass. That's so cool. Good for her. What the hell? My mom asked me if I had any advice for her before she left. Have you done ayahuasca?

I did it once in Bolivia. And you just, it's actually a lot of... Vomiting? Yeah. Vomiting. Purging, as they say yeah in the world you leave empty but so full you know did you feel that it was transformative for you I had a lot of fun but I was this was when I was studying abroad and I at that time, was also doing a lot of drugs just generally. So it was kind of just like, I did a lot of acid when I studied abroad. Okay.

That's why she's so fucked up. No, I mean. You gotta listen to me. Shelby, turn your ears off. That's why she's so fucked up. I didn't have time to turn them off yet. I would have loved to turn them off. Acid is a very important drug, I think.

But I think I did it too young. And now I haven't done it in my adult life where I think I could actually enjoy it in a real way. Because when you're young, sometimes you're just like, i just want to take this and get so fucked up yeah and then it's like you're not really having any kind of experience other than one that's just like really kind of traumatic and not like enlightening in any degree but that's why i think that being on mushrooms at the beach genuinely experiencing the miracle of life is a very enlightening and grounding moment that I think everyone should experience in their life. And it's important to note that mushrooms do come from the earth. They are made by mother nature. And I just think, I just wanted to note that. Yes. It's an important note, Grace. Thank you. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. How do you want to deliver this experience to aliens? Do you want them to see it happening or do you want to give them a package? Here's my idea and you can veto it if you want. You deliver them like a box. It has the mushrooms in it. And it also has coordinates of where they're supposed to go. Yes.

That is how I want to do it. And you just go, have a good day or something with like a little message. Yes. That's how I want to do it. That's how I want to do it. That's so exciting. Yeah. Kind of like an influencer's message. Yes, that's how I want to do it. That's how I want to do it. That's so exciting. Kind of like an influencer's retreat. Yeah, exactly.

Like it would become a gorgeous, they'd have to do an unboxing video as well as a part of the experience. I want them to vlog it. I want them to vlog it. I want them to vlog it. Yeah, after they watch Grape Lady Falls, they'll know how to vlog kind of

because then maybe they'll get into kind of a hole on YouTube potentially. And then they'll know that they need to vlog their mushroom experience. They go, what's up guys? They have like their trillion fingers. Guys, like and subscribe. They just do the bit. Exactly. I love that. I have not done mushrooms on the beach, but I have done acid on the beach, but I've done mushrooms in a dorm and I got to say not the place, not the spot. No, I like, I genuinely believe that mushrooms are my healing medicine. And like when I'm feeling like really depressed, just take a little bit of mushrooms, reconnect with the earth, reconnect with my friends, laugh, laugh, laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh look at how beautiful everything is around me and and then you know what suddenly i'm grateful and suddenly i'm feeling good i can't be convinced to

do mushrooms and i don't know why but but it's not it's not to take you seem like someone who would do them yeah it's i know and i'm the person this is my explanation i don't do hard drugs you know that's not true and then and then the second half of that sentence is well what i mean is hallucinogens i don't know why my brain chemistry is fine and i don't want to fuck with it here's my thing i don't it's it's not i guess this should be a caveat i am not i don't want you to have this experience tripping balls on mushrooms. I just want you to be lightly like buzzing on them, like slightly more than a micro dose. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Grace, I promise you next time we're together, I'm going to give you some mushrooms and you're going to have a great time. Okay.

So we are hooking up. Yep. Yeah, we are. I can't wait to find if you guys hook up at the end of this podcast. At the very end. At the very end. We'll reveal. We'll slob on each other's knobs. What's next on the record? Okay, what's next are Manolo Blahniks.

Right. You're talking to two people who might be a little bit off on them. We need a little bit more intel. Here's what, here's the importance of Manolo Blahnik. They're a perfect shoe. It's craftsmanship, a hundred percent style, 100% being a classic to me, example of the brilliance of humanity. 100%. It is just, it's a gorgeous shoe. I don't know how else to say it. And I think that aliens need to appreciate this work. You know what I mean?

They're like mini beautiful, perfect sculptures made with gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous materials. Wow. I was going to say, you're kind of describing sculptures. Yeah, and I think it's an example of both utility and art as one. Utility being walking, would you say? Yes. You can utilize them in your day-to-day life whilst also marveling at the complexity of the craftsmanship and design. I love to think of heels as a utility for walking.

They are. They make it so much harder. But let me just make a footnote. We are not just talking about a Manolo Blahnik heel. We are also tipping our hats to the Manolo Blahnik loafer, which is a loafer that for me, sings to me. And it doesn't matter who you are. You can wear a Manolo Blahnik loafer and you will enjoy it. And you will say, gosh, isn't Italian leather stunning? Wait, yeah, the loafers are cool.

Is this a Manolo Blahnik? I believe I've seen you in both. In the time that I've known you and the time that I got to see you, IRL, with my own eyes for three months. Mm-hmm. I've seen you in both. Yeah.

You know? So she's not lying for once. I'm not. For once in my goddamn life, I'm telling the fucking truth. Okay? And I just think that, you know, they're just gorgeous shoes. And we all deserve to see, love love and observe and acknowledge a gorgeous shoe facts facts that brings up our sponsor of the day is Uggs Uggs is a close second though because Uggs

is famously butter for your feet butter for your feet and with that ad we do have to take you to our other ads um so it's ad time welcome bark greta do you want to bark let's hear bark what yeah wait you have to there you go wolf question mark the most confused dog ever yeah before we continue with your records we have another important question yes what is something that's like so embarrassing that you want to delete it from the records all together and before you start just know that it doesn't have to be the really big stuff like poverty or war. It can be something much smaller. I think I want to delete titty fucking from the record.

I think I do because it's just all around bad. And I just think it's kind of embarrassing. You know what I mean? Like for a person with tits, you need to just sit there doing this the whole entire time. Holding your tits together the whole entire time. And then you're getting jammed in your chin by the head of a dick and you're also you're doing this uh-huh okay and the thing is no one's coming no one's coming and it doesn't feel good for the person with the tits okay and and then honestly if someone does come it will shoot into your eye and then

you're going to have an eye infection so i just that's my chin up greta as if i've ever titty fucked i'm like oh sweetie you're just on it right my i can't stop laughing watching Grace hear this. Yeah. Grace. I'm coming every time. Every time. Well, Grace initially got so upset by the deletion. Yeah. Face was. You like titty fucking. As if she smelled something putrid.

I've never titty fucked, but you know, when I hear the word. Stop lying, Grace. Look at my beautiful tits. I'm looking at my stunning tits right now. And I'm thinking they'd be perfect getting slammed through them dry because your tits it's been so long since i've seen a dick it's like i'm like trying to picture it but are people not lubing that up out of curiosity lube it up but i mean it's just like you know it's just embarrassing it's like i just want to delete like the titty fucking let's delete it. It's stupid. It makes us look stupid because it's like, this isn't really pleasurable for anyone.

And it's like, yeah, it might be a gag, you know, like ha ha funny, like getting like slapped with a dick in your face or something. But like, I just think it's, it's, it's too porn, which I love. I love watching porn. She's pro-porn. I'm pro-porn. I mean, well, I'm pro-ethical porn. Okay, just got to clarify a few things.

All porn. She's pro every single porn. But I do think that titty fucking is something that was completely mismarketed to us something i let happen to me because i have big tits and in reality i am embarrassed that i ever let that happen to me and i think that we'd all be better off if it was just deleted if it was just deleted greta i just got a text from your husband abe it says overheard greta in the other room taking my ring off it's over yeah you know and and this is really just a comment on my marriage because abe insists on on him titty fucking me i wake i actually wake you know when

the rooster goes that's actually abe's dick scraping between my tits making that noise every morning he said he sent a follow-up text that says what does she mean she doesn't come yeah yeah well because you know I do I he makes me act and he makes me act right wait okay she's booking yeah hey someone here thank god yes oh my god congrats on the role i would love to be acting thank you yeah i act as the part of titty fuck wife every morning titty fuck wife yeah um it really does make women literally just titty fucking makes women completely an object that is the most object we become it's just so fucking stupid it's just at that point fuck a flashlight it'll feel better for you i was just thinking that yeah exactly shelby both

of our brains were thinking flashlight babe oh that's awesome dude i we have bonded so much more in this episode than i ever thought was imaginable i thought this episode would break us up, and yet. Here you are. And yet here we are. Both group think flashlight. Yes, literally. One, two, three, flashlight. Flashlight.

What is next on your record? Next would have to be pad thai, okay? Yum. Pad thai is a perfect dish and it's it is just to me an example of peak peak deliciousness everyone loves pad thai it's savory it's sweet it's noodles it's vegetables it's a protein if you want it's crunchy it's mushy it's like everything you'd want in a dish and i just think pad thai is a perfect dish and that's all i'm gonna say okay no arguments here i'm dropping the mic okay

we'll talk in an email or something done we have to go we have to go yeah um i love pad thai is there a restaurant that makes a pad thai that you would like to send above all other pad thais yes i would like them to have well there are two places i would like them to come to los angeles and have the pad thai love to eat thai delicious delicious delicious delicious and that's good because that's also an instruction it's also an instruction where is it it's in a strip mall in hollywood off sunset and grace i can take you i love la i can take you i can take you there when you come perfect and wait shelby you're here yeah, we can all go. Okay, it's divine. Wait a couple weeks for me to get there. Yeah, I will.

And then I would also tell them to go to Lovely Day in New York City on Elizabeth Street between Prince and Spring. So I would tell them to go to those two places and enjoy Pad Thai because it is simply divine. I just want to give a quick shout out to the little what are the little white things on pad thai? Bean sprouts. I fucking love bean sprouts. Bean sprouts are really good.

You can squirt lime all over it too. I know that's of course fun. Kind of a cocktail in that sense. In a way it's a drink. You can salt the rim of your take out box. Yeah, it is. In a way, it's a drink. It's kind of a sexy little cocktail. You can salt the rim of your takeout box. Yeah, exactly. Delicious. Pad Siu comes in a close second. I do think the Pad Siu is a very underrated dish. It's so good. But Pad Thai. I often go to Pad Siu, but that doesn't mean I don't like Pad Thai. Here's my actual take. I think there are more restaurants doing Pad Siu well than there are doing pad thai well.

Like I am sort of frequently getting a medium pad thai. Yeah. And you're getting a killer pad see you. Right. Just even like a good one. Whereas like if you get a good – you put a good pad thai and a good pad see you in front of me, I want the pad thai. Yeah. But you put a medium of both and I think I end up wanting the pad see you because I think a medium pad thai and a good pad see you in front of me. I want the pad thai. Yeah. We would put a medium of both.

And I think I end up wanting the pad see you because I think a medium pad thai is, um, there's something left to be desired if you will. Yeah. It's almost sacrilege. I don't like it, but I am broccoli forward.

Me too. Patsy. You often does have broccoli, perhaps broccolini. I don't know. The thing about pad thai is you can order it instead of protein. You can do double veg and then you kind of get more veggies. Totally. You're having a salad. Yeah. Perhaps broccolini. I don't know. The thing about Pad Thai is you can order it instead of protein. You can do double veg and then you kind of get more veggies.

Totally. You're having a salad. Yeah. So you're having a salad. You're having a cocktail. You're having a salad. You're having an entree. You're having it all.

I mean, it's unbelievable. It's crazy. The versatility of Pad Thai. Seriously. I dare a burger to try that. What isn't she? What isn't she? A burger could never be a cocktail. Should we go on?

What's next on your record? Next on my record is Talk That Talk, the entire album by Rihanna. Okay. Now, I just think that this record, are either of you familiar with the album? Absolutely. I am making sure I know what songs are on it, but yes. Oh my God, yes. See, now the only thing that I think Loud,

it was hard for me to choose between Talk That Talk and Loud because Loud also is crazy if you look at that track list. And Loud also has, in my California king bed. Yeah. But I just thought that Talk That Talk is really, it's giving you multi-genre. It's giving you truly like the top half of that album, household song names. Like you can, you know those songs. Right. And it's just an example of Rihanna's excellence and her. She really is superior. And I love Anti.

She's unbelievable. I think that's truly one of the best. Anti is my fave. It's, in all seriousness, one of the best albums I think to come out in the past. Consideration is, I think, in my top five favorite songs ever. It's so good. The whole top to bottom, listen to it time and time again but i think if i want these little aliens to like pop their little pussies on the dance floor and also hear excellence i do think that talk that

talk is kind of that album if i when i close my eyes i literally can see aliens dancing to you to one yeah but now i also have yep i just oh my god it's so good yeah you need to listen to it greta i know wait greta greta just sang really good did everyone hear it yeah greta actually has a really good voice Thank you. Wow. The talent is endless, honey. Oh my fucking God. Oh my fucking God. What do you guys think about when Rihanna collabed with Kanye West and Paul McCartney? And before you start, know that I love the song. But what do you think about the trio? Iconic.

I love the song. Iconic. I also just think you get to a point with fame and celebrity where you're just kind of like, how else can we make this fucking crazy? And then to me, that was like one of those moments. It's kind of like. To have Paul McCartney on the song. If you watch, are you familiar with the song Public Affair by Jessica Simpson? I am not.

Well, in the music video, it's set at a roller rink. It's Jessica Simpson, Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, and Eva Longoria all hanging out. And to me, it's kind of the same thing. Like at the time, they were all like, who are the girlies we can get together that are really popping right now? And it was like all of their times.

Clearly, I have no idea. I love that crew. What did they talk about in their times clearly i have no idea i love that crew what did they talk about in between takes we have no idea that's the thing i want to behind the scenes talk about being rich yeah like like um you know the seth meyers rihanna video where they're like where everyone's like oh my god they're flirting okay first of all yeah i do love that video it does bring me joy but also it's like yeah they're just both rich happy people you know what i mean that's it why wouldn't they be having a fucking blast they're being paid to drink yeah like when ellen and george bush sat together they were exactly happy and rich oh my god mic drop dude literally that's it

also the we we found love Love music video is really iconic. Like, I know every shot in that. It's very good. Wow. What a great song. With the, like, fireworks and whatever. So good. The smoke.

All of it. How would we accurately convey? I think this album's a good start. How would we accurately convey what Rihanna means to us? To Amy and Life. And also, sort of like, her career pivot. How would we accurately convey what Rihanna means to us, to alien life? And also sort of like her career pivot that's sort of ongoing right now where she's not really making music, but she's kind of talking about it again. If Rihanna asked me to put and get an infinity sign tattoo over my eyes like this, I would it yeah i probably would too what isn't there a rapper that has that like a white rapper or something i don't know i don't know probably

probably it's a good tattoo idea have you guys seen those two twins the twins yes what's up with those twins tell me tell me grace you haven't seen the twins should we delete them from the record i think they have to be deleted but in so many ways i will miss them yeah they are these twins i think they're just like tiktok twins um they recently put a video on the account i've never seen them in my life really yeah isn't that crazy everyone keeps on being like are you guys twins are you guys lovers like what is their vibe the exact same they also have similar tattoos no yeah interesting one of them has slime one of them has like slime tattooed on his chest that's so funny this one nickelodeon stan this will have to be one of my favorite videos I've ever seen.

Grace is falling in love Am I crazy if I say like his voice isn't bad The caption on that video or like the he's responding to a message that said I like your style of singing low-key It's my face Yeah, it said, I like your style of singing low key. It's my face. Yeah, it's really like it. No, you're deleting them. I don't know. I don't know if they're important to the conversation. I don't know if they're kind of an example of where we are at culturally.

I don't know. I don't know. But it's like, how many can we have we have so many iterations of that you know what i'm saying whether it's like whether it's like post malone who is quite possibly the most talented version of this kind of moment quite possibly or machine gun kelly do you guys remember the rumor about post malone where it was like, he smelled so bad that a fan at his meet and greet puked when they met him? I do remember that rumor. No, but that's incredible.

Can I say? And then he had to like go on the record and be like, I don't smell bad. Which is one of the funniest things to like publicly announce. I believe he probably smells amazing. Can I admit something that I don't know how I feel about it myself? I think I would like to have sex with Post Malone. That's okay, Greta. I think I would like, I think I am very attracted to him.

Totally. But you're going to have to get in line. I really do think, I think I probably maybe would too. If I'm going to have sex with one more guy before I die, he's not a bad choice. It should be Post Malone. It's not bad. I don't like. I think he is a bad choice.

I don't like the bloody. He seems like a nice person though. Oh, yeah. Oh, I would rather hook up with Jack Harlow, I think. No, no. You go hook up with Jack Harlow. You want to hook up with Jack Harlow? He does not. He's. You could hook up with Jack Harlow. You want to hook up with Jack Harlow? He does not.

He's better looking. Yeah, but I don't think he knows how to fuck. You know, I think that Post Malone has learned how to fuck. I don't think Post does either. Post just sort of lies there in my mind. But I feel like Post would give me a gift. Same. You know what I mean?

I feel like when we're done, he would at least gift me something. Jack is not like. He would sing you a song. Yeah. That's cute. Because once you become that big of a celebrity, you got to be giving gifts to the random sing you a song. Yeah. That's cute. Because once you become that big of a celebrity, you got to be giving gifts

to the random girls you're fucking. You know what I mean? Oh. Yeah, I think so. I'll take note. Shit, I haven't been giving any gifts.

Fuck. Fuck. Oh my God, I'm screwed. Okay, next. I want to go into my next one because I think this is important as a continuation of our conversation.

So the next one for a sensory experience is being a teenager and making out in your car to emo music such as Death Cab for Cuties, such as Postal Service, such as The Shins, such as early aughts emo music. Anything that's on the OC playlist. Yes, yes. In the car. Such as, you know, Zero Seven, I believe that band was called. Such as anything that's on the, you know, Garden State soundtrack. Fleet Foxes. Fleet Foxes can count.

I think that Regina Spector could even, like, count in some way. Samson went off to bed. Not much bread left on his head. And you're like tonguing something. Yeah, yeah. I just think that feeling of like being so excited and like over your body is like fully tingling with the joy of just like sucking face in your car one of my favorite

memories from like my first makeout was also my first makeout wasn't in the back seat of a car it was or was not it was it was oh i know pretty fun and i just remember like congratulations actually noticing thank you so much it was just the other day um um noticing like oh my god i'm doing it i'm literally making out with someone yeah it's the best feeling in the world and then you make out and then you leave and then you like you know this is like pre-texting all the time and then you like go to school the next day and you see them in the hall and you're like, oh my God, and you're freaking out. And it's the best feeling ever. Greta, when was the last time you made out with someone in a car?

In the backseat of a car, maybe. In the backseat of a car? Please don't lie to us, by the way. Like really, like really made out with someone in the backseat of a car? Yeah. Probably Abe, honestly. Abe and I made out in like the backseat of a taxi? Yeah. Probably Abe, honestly. Abe and I made out in the backseat of a taxi. Oh, fun.

That's actually, I think, a very powerful experience. Yeah, like making out hard when you're getting fucking a little fingering maybe. Oh, fun. I think backseat of a car makeout is fun because the whole time you're kind of thinking, this is not conducive for the makeout. The way our legs are is not conducive in a way that is positive. Yeah. You know what I mean?

In a way that takes a lot of pressure off. You're just kind of like. We both know that the environment is against us. And in that way, anything that isn't to our liking is actually the fault of the car and not the fault of either of us. Exactly. The first night that Abe and I really made out, we got into an Uber and I was very drunk. And we were like making out in the backseat of this Uber. And I remember saying to Abe, and it was a Prius, I was like, this Prius is stick shift. I was convinced that we were

in a stick shift Prius. And he was like, that's not a thing. But then we just continued making out again. And I loved it. That's so awesome. So I would like them to feel that feeling. I love kissing. I want to see the aliens doing that really bad. Yeah, me too. It'd be hot. I want to see the aliens doing that really bad. Yeah, me too. It would be hot. I want the aliens to be kissing in cars. Yeah, me too. What's the one song that you want them to be playing? If we can only pick one. Yes, great question, Shelby. Part of me wants to give them a real, like, East Coast, early 2000s moment

and, like, force them to make out to Satellite by Dave Matthews or something like that. like ding ding ding ding ding ding ding but then another part of me is like thinking like the district sleeps alone tonight after the constant off their lights and or like I will follow you into the dark by Death Cab for Cutie. Maybe we could get DJ Earworm to make a little mashup of all of those for the record. DJ Earworm's like 2002 mashup of emo. And then make even, take it slow, take it easy on me. You remember that song?

My, my, my, my. However the fuck that went, that Regina Spektra song. Okay, Greta. Yes. What's next? Cashmere. Oh, I can feel it on my fingers. Cashmere Manolo Blahniks.

Yeah, I want them to be in. They are living luxury on this record. I want them to just, again, know the power of craftsmanship of human beings. That is cashmere. And I want them human beings that is cashmere and i want them to wear be wearing gorgeous cashmere sweaters cashmere sweatpants cashmere socks cashmere hats a cashmere blanket i just want them to be swaddled completely head to toe in cashmere because it's just on shrooms no honestly in cashmere on shrooms wearing manolos having just eaten pad thai making out making out and then finishing making out listening to

talk that talk by rihanna i mean no listening to going back to your room like after making out in high school listening to talk that talk by Rihanna being like I fucking did it and then being in cashmere being on mushrooms watching grape lady falls and being like wow life is fucking awesome yeah humans do it so good yeah yeah cashmere is just stunning I mean nothing butter again butter butter to the skin okay you only get one cashmere item for the rest of your life. What is it? It's a beautiful, cozy, oversized. Keychain.

Keychain. Oversized. Yeah. Keychain. Keychain. No, it's a beautiful, cozy, oversized turtleneck sweater. Duh. Hello.

Like, come on. That's it. Hello. Are you living under a rock? Are you living? Are you? Where the fuck are you living, Grace? Why did you even ask such a fucking question?

Sorry. Greta, you know, you really do give off cashmere energy. Thank you. I take that as a compliment. I do. Imagine I'm like, oh, no, sweetie, that is not a compliment i think i'm like oh no sweetie that is not a compliment that means you're overpriced you're overpriced you're poorly made and you're oversized you're huge and moths fucking love you you don't feel good on anyone everyone's lying everyone's allergic to you itchy itchy

yeah cashmere is important i think so what's next what's next is kettle brand you don't even want to talk about fucking cashmere grace i'm like what's next we've covered it cashmere erasure happening here um i'm gonna say kettle brand dill pickle potato chips i just think it's a stunning chip gorgeous flavor amazing texture you have tangy you have kind of like it says again like i love it it's not it's not sweet per se but you have a complex sort of flavor happening with that chip file yeah and I think potato chips are incredibly important my friend Bob and I do host a it's coming up chipsgiving it's Thanksgiving where everyone brings their favorite chip and we can all only eat chips. And I personally do only acknowledge potatoes as chips. I do not acknowledge tortilla as the kind of chip I'm talking about.

Interesting. So yeah. So that's a little bit about me. Do you, how do you feel about baked chips? Not good. I mean, I, I, here's the thing. You can bring it. I take that back. there are a lot of

chips now like benitos and things like that that i do like i love a late july tortilla chip i love a hint of lime lays tortilla chip unreal i love that bag that you know that um like the tortilla chips that are with soy sauce do you know what i'm talking about and clear rusties maybe they're called or something like that i don't know those there are a lot of incredible tortilla chips that are with soy sauce. Do you know what I'm talking about? And the clear rusties maybe they're called or something like that. I don't know those. There are a lot of incredible tortilla chips. So I actually, I think that this year for Chipsgiving,

I will allow tortilla chips because they are stunning chips, but I do not feel good. That is very kind of you. I do not feel good about baked chips, mostly because they bring me back to diet culture and um I have a lot of weird eating stuff with uh eating like the sour cream and cheddar baked lay when I was going to like weird diet moments of my life and I just think that it's bad culture. So I think baked chips are bad culture. It gives me Subway vibes.

It's very Subway. It's also in bad diet culture because we were told that baked bread was healthy for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you had Subway every meal, you would be so skinny skinny. Yeah, exactly, and healthy. It was a deal with the devil, as we learned later. Exactly.

Going off of that, though, skinny. Yeah, exactly. And healthy. It was a deal with the devil, as we learned later. Exactly. Going off of that, though, Kettle brand, it's the bag with the matte finish, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have a kind of running theory in my own brain that if I see a chip bag with matte finish, I go, that's healthy. That's a higher quality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that is actually the power of branding, Grace. I know. And that's why I'm working in marketing.

That's why Grace is officially here to announce the opening of her marketing firm. My firm, yeah. Yeah. We're already working with Apple, which is incredible. What brand? Like what item are you really advertising with them right now? Oh, the MacBook. Yeah, classic.

We're finally going to sell a couple. Finally. It's been hard. They've been needing my help. Yeah, they're struggling. But I do think that my Kettle brand dill pickle potato chips with my next one, because I know I listed 11 and I know that we're trying to plow through these,

so I'm just going to say this is a perfect snack to watch while you're watching number 9 which is Drop Dead Gorgeous the movie, the iconic movie the film so I just think again not only does it teach you some

history of the state of Minnesota it also just showcases some iconic comedic talent. Are you from Minnesota? No, dear. Yeah, you're like obsessed with Minnesota. Yeah, I love Minnesota. You're like, wanna fuck Minnesota or something.

Obsessed with the Twin Cities. The cast is actually so crazy good. Yeah, it's very important. We even have a young Amy Adams in it. Amy Adams, Brittany Murphy, Kirsten Dunst, Denise Richards, Kirstie

Alley, Allison Janney, Ellen Barkin. We have so many people. It's stacked. And notice how you haven't said a man yet, which kind of proves that we don't need them. It's so good. Okay, well, there's

Matt Molloy and Will Lasso. There we go. Those are two people I recognize by face but would never know by name. Oh, interesting. Thomas Lennon. There we go. Greta, what do you think you love so much about that movie? It's so funny. It's just, I don't know.

I'm being very genuine. It's just like truly one of the most brilliant movies ever made. I love, I don't know, it's Ellen Barkin specifically, her performance in it is so funny. And I just think it's doing everything I love in comedy, which is satire, which is, you know, mockumentary, which is sort of commenting on things that happen in real life, like beauty pageants that are kind of crazy, and I love it. I have to rewatch this movie.

I watched it a lot, like, when I was younger, and I haven't seen it in years. And when I looked up the cast, there was pictures of the movie, and I was like, damn, I really did love this movie. It's so funny. And also, it's a movie that's truly so ahead of its time in terms of what was happening in comedy. It's so good.

Greta, what do you have to say to the 46% rating on Rotten Tomatoes? That that's fucking bullshit and it's fucked up. You heard it here first. 46% on Rotten Tomatoes? Everyone needs to grow up. I know, seriously. Everyone needs to get a life. Who is giving you 46%?

All the critics. I think Rotten Tomatoes needs to be deleted from... Listen, Rotten Tomatoes has some attitude because Coyote Ugly is like a 22% on Rotten Tomatoes needs to be deleted from listen they have Rotten Tomatoes has some attitude because Coyote Ugly is like a 22 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and oh interesting nuts I won't stand that I won't stand for that either also I mean I love the classics Crossroads with Britney Spears and Terry you know is it is it good is it bad we don't, but it's a piece of art. Rotten Tomatoes, I'll say it, anti-woman. If it's a female-led movie, it's under 50%. There you go.

You heard it here first, folks. Literally, the Bratz movie doesn't have a good review. Can you believe that? That is sexist. That is sexist. That is sexist. The Bratz movie is basically Wes Anderson. But also, Bratz are so hot. Close your ears ears we're talking about sexism right now yeah brats are also so aggressively hot

so it's like yeah we're gonna do exactly um what is there is one on your record that i think grace and i really want to talk about. We clearly don't understand. Do you want me to do, do you want me to do the last one first or do you want me to do this one and then the last one? Yeah, do that. Do the last one first and then we'll go into that one. Because you guys feel, you guys feel that this one's very special. The one that you want to talk about. Yeah, it's the grand finale. Okay. So this one, we don't even need to talk about this one because there doesn't even, there needs to be no discourse. It's just important. The

Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Madonna VMA performance of Like a Virgin slash Hollywood when they all kiss. It's very important. They just need to know what happened and that's it. Fuck Justin Timberlake.

Can I add something to this edition? Yes. I want, before they watch this, a history of Brittany and Christina. I feel like at this time, we still thought they were feuding. They kept being like, we're not really feuding. We're just not really friends. Yeah. And we kept pitting them against each other.

Yeah. Because they were both blonde teens in the limelight. They came up together with Mickey Mouse Club. Which, you mentioned Jessica Simpson. A fun fact that I find fascinating, it was from one of those VMAs, not VMAs, VH1, when they used to do deep dives into their life. Jessica Simpson was going to audition for Mickey Mouse Club,

but she was four years older than Christina Aguilera. And Christina was going to audition for Mickey Mouse Club, but she was like four years older than Christina Aguilera and Christina Aguilera auditioned before her. And she was so good that she left. She was like, I don't want to do this. Well, did you read Jessica Simpson's book? No, but I hear it's really good. She got very close to being on Mickey Mouse Club and they didn't, she didn't, she didn't make the cut sadly, but that's where she met Ryan Gosling for the first time. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

Shout out to Ryan. Shout out to Ryan Gosling. Shout out Ryan Gosling. I actually think he should. Any Gosling heads listening to the podcast? I think he should be. He's someone that I also want to add to the record, Ryan Gosling. Oh, cool.

Yeah. That's so sweet of you I don't know why I reacted like that love being sweet yeah that's nice yeah that's it that's it um okay should we do this one now okay yeah do you want to

no I think Greta you should describe what the hell you wrote I think first I think first I want to read it okay but you need to read it with the italicized. No. Because it's not italicized in what we received. Yes, I did. In my email, I italicized it.

No, and you didn't put quotations. Oh, maybe, but there were no quotations. There was nothing. No, but I italicized it in my email. So don't gaslight me, darling. Okay. I'm not on the email. We're not on the email.

We're not on the email. We're not on the email. It was forward. It was copy pasted. So at some point, someone else stood up. But that person shouldn't be in trouble. We're not here to get anyone in trouble. Okay.

We swear. Okay. Read it. It says saying that in a fight. That's what we receive. Number 10. Saying that in a fight. Yeah.

Saying that in a fight. Yeah. So my brain goes, she's missing a word. I thought, surely this is a mistake. And then I thought, is saying 10 in a fight? 10, saying that in a fight. Saying tat in a fight? Yeah.

Saying the, you know. And then I thought, it's that's that. Like saying, and that's that. Like saying, and that's that in a fight, which is close. That is close. That is close. But do you want me to tell you what I meant? Greta, explain.

Okay. So originally when I sent this, that was italicized, okay? Because I wanted you to read it as saying that in a fight. Meaning when you're in a fight with someone and there's that thing that you know is going to be like the big blow. And when you finally say that, that feeling of like release and like sick kind of victory is huge. And also you're shocked that you said that, you know what I mean? When you really go there and you say that thing and then you're like, well, I can't believe I just said that and I'm feeling crazy, but I just fucking did that. So it's saying that in a fight. Huge. Up until now, when you described that, I still thought you meant saying the word that

just like with attitude. No, no, no, no. I was like, sure. No, I just mean like, yeah, saying that. Oh, like, you know when someone's like, did you really just say that to me? Like when you're in a fight with someone and that's how they respond.

I can't believe you just said that. How are you going to, why would you say that to me? And it's, it's the act of saying that. Yeah. Well, also a lot of the time when you actually say that, it's, you're stumbling on it too. Like you were like searching for the thing that was making you mad. And it's like the moment that you also have like figured it out. Yeah. It's the realization of what's exactly going on. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, I'm mad about that. Exactly. Now we're cooking. Exactly. And it's kind of like, it's so fun to argue. It's like you beautiful minded your argument

in real time. You know, you're like piecing it together. You your minority reporting your mind, to find that. And then once you say that, I want everyone to experience saying that. Yeah. So you would host kind of a workshop for aliens to teach them how to argue? I would host like a fight night. You know what I mean? Yeah, a verbal fight night. A verbal fight night where the aliens, if you have problem with another alien,

you can come and you can get into the ring and I can coach you as to how you're going to find that. And then when they say that you go, ding, ding, ding. Yes. They said that. Exactly. Exactly. I love that. I mean, like that feeling. Because I think fighting is also a big piece of the human experience. Yes. And I think that we can't turn a blind eye. And I think it's something that you can be a masterful fighter. And I think that when you win a masterful verbal fight, it's always because you said that.

It's even fun to know that you could say that. Yeah. The power of that. The power of that. The power of that. The power of that is within you always. And if there's one thing I can impart to the listeners and to you both. It's that. Do you,

do you, do you agree with this being in my records? A thousand percent, but it didn't make sense to me on reading it. Yes. I think your records are, I think it's a perfect record start to finish and it's the length of a normal record, which I think is strong and powerful.

Yeah. 11 tracks. I love it. Thank you. Before we, you know, end this beautiful call, where can people find you? Oh my goodness. Me. You can find me on Instagram at Gertie Bird.

You can follow me on Twitter, even though I don't really tweet. Also at Gertie Bird. You can listen to my podcast, Seniors to Senior Superlatives, also on HeadGum. And Shelby, I hope that you're going to come and be a guest on my show soon. I would love to. Oh my God, I'm booking. Fuck, fuck, I'm booking, I'm booking. Shelby literally was so amazing.

She gave me 300 grand. I paid Grace $300,000 to be- And she said, get help, with a little note that said, get help. Yeah, exactly. Oh. The pod is already amazing. I'm so excited for you, Greta. The pod is new, but it's already amazing.

It's going to get even better. And that makes us siblings. It does. Your episode comes out soon. Wow. That's huge for me. Huge, huge. And my promotional team.

Huge. Yeah. Well, you're in marketing now. So do you even need them anymore? Nope. Oh, I just got, I just lost some people, some jobs. Some people are, some people are now going home to their families and sort of announcing that they don't make money anymore because of me.

Well, that's something to think about. Listen, thank you for coming on. Thanks for having me. And thank you for guest hosting. Of course. on thanks for having me and thank you for guest hosting of course thank you for having me thank you greta thank you shelby thank you thank you greta thank you mike thank you mike thank you mike thank you mike thank you daddy head gum thank you daddy head gum for sponsoring this episode. That was a Hiddem Original.