Keeping Records - Through Hate Breeds Art (with Raina Morris)

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Caleb has fled to Portland. Shelby is sleeping in and doesn't miss Caleb...yet. Comedian and writer Raina Morris visits with them to prep her Golden Record and it's just...so much stuff! There's software to instruct the aliens on how to take care of humans; details on how to properly care for our skin and hair; how to satisfy oral fixations and stay hydrated at the same time. Raina swears up and down that she's not prepping the aliens for zoo-keeping an exhibit of humans, but truly you will have to decide on what her plans ultimately are. Raina's Artifacts The Sims 2 (software) "Beautiful Liar" Beyoncé and Shakira music video (audio-visual) YouTube ingrown hair extraction videos (audio-visual)  The feeling of when a hairstylist washes your hair and scratches your scalp (multi-sensory experience) Eating ice (food) A kiss on the lips from someone wearing lip gloss (multi-sensory experience) Follow Raina on Instagram and Twitter! Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well well well caleb heron shelby um maxwell wolstein maxwell i was like what is it maxwell maxwell shelby jonathan wolstein what are you up to oh you know you know, I slept in. Oh my God.

How late? 10, 15. Oh, that's good. That's a good sleeping in. Do you miss me? I'm not in LA right now. I do miss you. I'm going to miss you more, I think, in like three more days.

Oh, doesn't miss me? No, I do miss you, but I literally cleaned the whole apartment yesterday that I didn't have time to miss you. Do you know what I mean? Whoa. But now I'm in't have time to miss you. Do you know what I mean? Whoa. But now I'm in your office just to feel you close. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm in Portland, Oregon. And you know what? I'm happy to be in Portland, but I do miss LA, Shelby. I miss our stomping grounds. I miss our little house and our little family. But do you miss me? I miss everything about LA.

Right. So not me specifically. I i mean i miss i look yeah i miss i miss the our house i miss i miss our friends i miss everything about it dude yeah but specifically me you miss yeah yeah i miss you shelby and caleb compliment each other because they are friends shelby and caleb compliment each other because they are friends so do you miss me i'll go first yeah i'll go first shelby i actually do miss you and i will say um one of the funniest um bits I have ever seen pitched for a show is a bit that you pitched for our show in Chicago about a bear, like a kid's bear, that instead of saying, like, hug me or let's go play, it would say, like, help, I'm stuck in this factory. And it was really, really funny. And that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Caleb, I do miss you a lot too. I've missed you since the moment I woke up after you left. I went back to sleep and then I woke up again and said, where is he? You made me wake you up and give you a tongue kiss before I could leave. That I thought was strange. Well, I needed to know that you were gonna remember me i will remember it you used a lot of time and if we're gonna match compliments on um show pitches i have to say there was nothing more fun and nothing funnier

than um the mock drama that we did with tom simmer maker that you pitched and i can't remember what it's called oh it was called um it was me you and tom simmer maker would do um like a fake uh soap and it was it was called um as the world burns as the world burns that was one of the most fun things to perform of all time that was so stupid we would just grab whatever like wigs and scarves we could find and the characters changed every time hey you know what speaking of um scarves and characters we got to bring in today's guests okay you might know her from writing in emily in paris Or you might know her more. For canceling plans on us last weekend. It's great.

Everybody put your pants together. For Raina Morris. Hey. I just got so nervous. You have a lot to answer for. Hey Raina. If given the chance. Would you rather sit in your robe.

Or hang out with me and caleb at a at a bar um and choose carefully because i feel like this is just like a really crazy way to start out because like yeah i decided to stay in my robe but But like, Shelby, what you're not telling the listeners is that it is a microfiber plush robe. Yeah, that's true. I didn't tell the listeners that. And I was not wearing anything underneath. And so the microfiber plush was kind of just like all over me. And it was like very soft.

And I also had another. Caleb just left the Zoom. Caleb started sweating and left the Zoom. I had another plush throw blanket on the parts of me that the robe didn't cover i was very comfortable reina texted me that picture of her in a robe last weekend when she refused to go out with us and i texted back and i was like i think i said what would we do if i was there and i was wait, is this how straight guys text? And Raina was like, LOL,

literally yes. Literally yes. It's like without me. Literally not. Yeah. Without me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like I'm

getting in the shower and they go, oh, can I come? Smiley face. It's like, no, getting in right now.

About to take a shower. Ooh, sounds like I need to come over by the time you get here i'm i'm out of the shower babe it's like i'm done i'm you know i don't think i'm gonna win this argument i think people are gonna disagree with me but i think the least sexy state of being is directly after shower i think you're like what okay you're like moist your face is red it's kind of like you went on a run but like you didn't do that and like your your clothes barely go on because your skin is weird wait so did you do you dry off and and also shelby what happens to your skin okay hold on

shelby's like i hate getting out of the shower because you have to be wet the rest of the day and your skin starts to disintegrate and then you don't have skin for a while it's just like your muscles and tendons are bare you have to keep rotating so you don't get bed sores I just hate it no my skin gets like red from like

one just steam two like hot water okay so what I'm hearing is that when you get out of the shower you don't dry off and then also you don't put lotion on every single inch of your body and then wait for that to kind of dry and then i don't put lotion on every inch of my body and i try and do that but i always forget or i get lazy but i do dry off but my skin retains the moisture for a little bit like if i'm trying to put on a pair of jeans i have to wait 30 minutes to get into the pair of jeans and i just think

it's an unsexy part of the day caleb loves right after the shower i actually really do because i get out personally and i there's glowing glistening and i'm rubbing lotion on myself and then i'm kind of standing there and i'm like okay i'm shimmering and then at that point i do slip into maybe like a microfiber plush robe with a throw blanket covering yeah and then i then I feel, I feel actually incredibly sexy. And, and then I kind of. Caleb's sweating again. Caleb's sweating and left the Zoom again.

Oh, sorry. Caleb's, Caleb's tongue rolled out like a carpet out of his mouth and his eyes went. And then he had to leave. He started steaming from the ears and then he had to leave the Zoom because he was too horny his glass his glasses were bouncing on his nose reina how are things how is how is life treating you be honest don't lie to us honestly like if you're lying things are things are pretty good i've been i don't have a job right now and so i I'm really bored. Don't know what to do with myself.

Not used to not having anything that anyone is expecting me to do. Because I'm usually a student and have three jobs or something. So every day I wake up and I'm kind of like, oh no. Oh no. What are are we gonna do being unemployed in la though kind of fun you just like it's you're in good company because every most other people are also not most i mean there are a lot of unemployed people running around just buying coffee and doing nothing so you kind of there's kind of a there's a there's a not having a job culture going on in los angeles i have to say i will say that is a little bit of a it's a not having a job culture going on in Los Angeles. I will say that is a little bit of a, it's a good thing for a lot of reasons, the ones you're saying.

And it's also a bad thing because there's no not crowded time to go somewhere. Like you could be like, oh, I'll go to the grocery store at 1 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon. People are working. That's not true. It's peak hours somehow. I haven't figured out when peak hours of anything are but i always think i'm avoiding them and then find myself right in the thick of it that's so true i just realized i was like laying by the pool yesterday in the middle of the day and there were other people

there what this city is unhinged i i don't i don't rain i don't know if you've experienced this or not uh as a fellow uh person who lives in LA and doesn't have a job a lot of the time I get annoyed because my friends who do have jobs aren't available to do whatever I want at any time of the day so kind of opposite of what Shelby is saying people who do have jobs like I'll be like hey we should go uh we should go get a meal right now and they're like well it's 2 p.m and I have a full-time job and I'm like well that's not you should quit and then they're like well that's not you can't say that to me i can see myself getting in trouble for this in a minute so i am gonna prep i'm gonna

what's prefacing post post saying something oh so i am i am gonna post op you're gonna post mortem i'm gonna post up i'm gonna post modem mortem um'm going to post modem, mortem. I'm going to post modem society. Don't try to hook up with me. And I'm going to say, Lindsay did point out the peak hours thing to me yesterday. And if I didn't give her credit for that, she, I would get in trouble. Well, something about me is like, I don't know who Lindsay is. One thing about Reina is. But she's going gonna listen to the episode and she's gonna say i said that in the car and i just want to be clear she did say that in the car

and i took it to heart i was listening reina reina i have a really really important question that i think shelby would also agree with yeah yeah yeah we were talking about this just the other day okay scary yeah we were talking about you and we were like we're like when raina's on the pod we have to ask her this specifically we were like we wonder what would raina put on her own golden record if we were gonna make a new one okay i'm so glad that was the question because that is the only question i'm prepared for what if we made this like really really really like hardcore interview? We were like, so we were doing some digging,

and we found out in middle school. You got in trouble at school. No, really, what would you put on your records? Seriously. Okay. I've thought a lot about this. First of all, I just want to say, thank you so much for having me.

I think this is such a good idea for a podcast. I'm very excited. Thank you so much. Reina! Reina! Stop! Thank you. much for having me. I think this is such a good idea for a podcast. I'm very excited. Thank you so much. Reina! Reina! Stop! Thank you. Just saying.

Kind of getting you on my side before I present my records. Okay. My first thing that I think is maybe could be the only thing, but it's not. It's just my first thing, is that I would a disc of the sims 2 and a way to play it that's really crucial the way to play it you need yeah they need to be able to play it and i think that's one thing is that allowed to be one thing yes absolutely absolutely okay and even if it wasn't you could kind of keep adding now what do you want them to get from Sims 2, Raina? Tell us about your thought process here, chef.

Okay, so here are my thoughts. I'm like, first of all, great game. Great game. I think the Sims 2 is where they really hit their stride. Yeah. Sims 1, scary, can't do much. And they were just finding the ways. They were like, what can we do? what can we do what can we do and then

sims 2 is like here's what we can do still doesn't look very good but i think is really exemplary of human life you know like you're just these like ugly little sims and they aren't doing anything interesting yet it's not sims 3 oh it's not Sims 4. They're just kind of wandering around and you build a house and they walk around. And they kiss and make a baby. Yeah, they kiss and make a baby and they like kind of get a job, but you can't figure out how to make sure they're on time. Here's why I think it's a really, really good addition. Okay. I am famously a little afraid of what the aliens will do if they come to earth. This gives them an opportunity to fuck around with people and not have any impact. And also,

if they're using the game to determine how they can hurt us, it's like take the pool ladder away. And it's like, okay, I'll get out another way. I won't drown. And so if they're finding out that's how you hurt me i love that yeah it's definitely like lowering their expectations of like what how smart humans are and yeah if they think we are just like that like that we stand in our rooms and are just kind of like they're not going to prepare as hard for war yeah and i like that yeah i see i worry i worry that they're gonna i worry that they're gonna get high off it they're gonna get addicted to controlling humans like their little pets and yeah it's easier and it's

different but they're gonna they're gonna get a rush they're gonna they're gonna control their sims and they're gonna say i like this i'd like to do this on a bigger scale you think it's a gateway they're gonna come to earth yo yeah big time this is this is guess what this is this is taking one little hit of a marijuana cigarette behind the gym in high school. A little bit of jazz cabbage. A little bit of jazz cabbage. Next thing you know, it's four years later, and you're doing heroin with strippers in Atlanta. Yeah.

Which, I mean, sounds amazing. Yeah, exactly. I love it. No, The Sims is the best game. It literally is. I've never played. What? I love it no The Sims is the best game it literally is I've never played what because you get to be a dumb little god over some dumb little people and you can be so rich so quick yeah because there are semicolon colon semicolon colon semicolon colon semicolon colon motherload

mother just motherload it I was always rosebud semicolon colon semicolon colon semicolon colon mother load mother just mother loaded i was always rosebud semicolon colon semicolon colon semicolon copy paste copy paste copy paste copy paste i mean the way i was getting paid yeah yeah and the aliens won't know that you have to a lot of people have to put in an honest day's work to make money they're gonna be like oh we'll just go down there we'll use the cheat codes yeah we'll rosebud we'll mother load like okay we gotta you guys need to work for it also oh oh yeah reina said reina said reina said pull yourself up by your bootstraps i'm so sick of the aliens thinking that they can just just like get a free ride the aliens need to get a job i believe that well but then it's like they're gonna come here and

take our jobs shelby what's up no no no what's up what's up they're gonna come here and take our jobs are you are strong union jobs are gonna come to our planet and take our jobs are you are strong you are gonna come to our planet and take our jobs and you know they're they're alien extension packs in the sims so they could also learn kind of what we are expecting of them representation representation alien representation in the media yeah i love the sims did you ever play roller coaster tycoon i did not i did not play roller coaster tycoon but i played zoo tycoon which i think was probably cheaper at the store um and was actually very stressful and if you didn't use the right kinds of fences for the right kinds of exhibits the animals would escape and then they would kill each other

so it kind of taught me a lot about responsibility and zookeeping and hey reina i'm really sorry you went through hey reina i mean for real girl thank you for sharing that because i will say because this is a comedy podcast a lot of times people sorry i'm choking up but a lot of times it's okay it'll be strong it's okay no no sorry i promised i wasn't um but people are scared to like go to play like go to those kind of places and like for you to tell us about like the offenses and like the two animals just the stress of it the stress of it the stress of it the stress of it the stress of it and like the murder the murder and like the like food chain and stuff like that it's like really powerful to hear well that's i mean like that is why i did not choose it as one of my records because i like don't want the aliens to have to go through what i went through as a virtual

zookeeper and trauma trauma trauma would not wish that on anyone and it's like if they play that like they wouldn't come here and like become real zookeepers and like we really need more zookeepers like we need more zookeepers of the alien experience we need yeah diversity in zoos um but not the kind where you like put people in exhibits like that's like we don't want that so many people so many people have trauma and and and kind of reenacted on other people and reina said the buck stops here no more no more i won't be they won't be knowing what it's like to be a virtual zookeeper reinaa is stopping the cycle of abuse. Raina, sad enough.

Stop right there. What were those Frankie says no or whatever? Yeah, what was that? What was that? What is that? Literally, what is that? There were so many t-shirts that were like Frankie says no. Frankie says no.

Who's Frankie? I don't know. I thought you might know. When I said it just now, I thought everyone was going to be like, you don't know I thought you might know what I said just now I thought everyone was gonna be like you don't know what that is but I have not I have not a clue it was giving like Coney 2012 I heard boobies like it was when like activism was starting to become like a little bit trendy but super vague okay Frankie, Frankie Says Relax. Oh, yeah. That's Frankie. Wait, yeah. It was Relax. What is it?

Is it Frankie Says Relax, Frankie Say Relax, or Frankie Says Relax? Well, really what I want to get to the bottom of is, who's Frankie? I'm genuinely trying to figure out, Frankie goes to Hollywood's Relax band, by the way,

so I think it's just a song, maybe. But it got banned and i think people oh my god so hold on i think it means delaying ejaculation what what like protesting cock rings what's going on hold on Frankie says relax is about not coming so what told me that was it said delaying ejaculation during sex or masturbation is what it means the question was what does it mean what does Frankie says relax mean and it the answer is delaying ejaculation during sex or masturbation originated from their debut single relax and that phrase was

printed on shirts that became very popular so it kind of became a catchphrase i guess but can someone please tell me why it's embarrassing to ejaculate too quickly during sex wait there's like an insane that's the full that's the full answer there's this photo of ross from friends looking absolutely bulky wearing a frankie says shirt. He looks thick. He looks like hunky. It is kind of funny to imagine telling someone not to come and just being like, relax. Someone's about to come and you just go,

relax. I'm coming. I'm coming. Relax. Interestingly, if someone told me to relax, it would actually help me come faster. Because I'd be be like you know what you're right let it go i do need to chill out it's not that deep it's not that deep um i i don't know for sure that that's what it is but that was the quora answer and then the the funniest part of

that quora answer to me was that same person being like but is it bad that i'm coming early that's so funny oh no i mean what is early how long are you supposed to how long are you supposed to have sex until you can come and also what if rana and i were like what if rana and i were like four hours usually four hours the good four hour trick first two hours don't look into each other's eyes. Exactly. Actually. Don't look away. Actually. Sincerely. Okay, Mike's going to play this relaxed song for us. Don't come. This is him. He's about to come. This is him.

He's about to come. Stop coming. Oh, my God. Oh, okay. Don't come now. Oh, my God. No. When you want to come. I had no idea.

I never knew. What? Wait. That can't be true. That's insane. That's, wait, that's truly crazy. I did not know that that's what that song was. Mike, did you know that?

Yes. What? Mike knew. Why would they make that song? Relax. But why? Don't do it. Oh, it was in Zoolander. I? Mike knew. Why would they make that song? Relax. But why? Don't do it. Oh, it was in Zoolander.

I missed that line. Never seen that movie. I missed that line. I've seen the movie plenty of times. Missed the line. Why did they make a whole song about not coming? Well. Coming is the point.

Yeah. It is. Wow. It is. I mean, coming is the whole point, isn it what's the i mean what are we here for if not to come wow connection silence silence i said i said what are we here for if not to come raina and shelby said connection mike put crickets in put crickets in right here shelby shelby and raina said cricket crickets crickets cricketsickets, crickets here. Insert crickets.

Romance. Romance is part of coming. I'm really struck by this song. I've heard it so many times. And I've never known. You guys, I'm adding edging to the record. Edging. Perfect.

And do you want this song to play while the edge? Sort of a last minute addition is the experience of edging. And to explain that we can tell the aliens about this song that song that song is haunting to me now oh yeah i'll never listen to it the same i can't believe that mike knew it actually it's kind of problematic that mike knew that that song was about coming and never told us in life we've known mike for quite a while now we were gonna figure six months of friendship with mike and not a word about them no not even a mention not even a mention reina yes seriously girl what's next for real completely forgot for real girl no no no oh no we're supposed to move this thing along not you okay here's what's next here's what's next on the

record we've got the sims 2 they're playing it they're like okay this is amazing but i want to know what true human girl on girl musical intimacy looks like i'm giving them the beautiful wire music video beyon and Shakira. Ooh. Ooh. Sexy. Exactly. And they're going to be like, is this one girl or is it two?

Are they singing about the same person? Why do they keep switching places? Why do they have the same wig on? God, this choreography is crazy. Yeah. And they're in sort of a dark, you know what, if you pause it on the video at any point, I know that it is clouds, but if you don't pause it, it looks like the background of a school photo which i'm talking yes i know exactly what you're talking about yeah i know i think that they didn't put a lot of work into where they are because of there's an inch an absolute inch of water and clouds in the background but i'm like i'm like an old tv screen and they were like people aren't looking around they're looking at the girls.

They're looking at the girlies. And they're right. This is the first time I've ever paid attention to the background. Didn't know there were clouds. Found it out now. Yeah. Would you guys rather hook up with Beyonce or Shakira? Beyonce.

Beyonce. But God, is that a hard question. Thank you. I'm a journalist. I think Shakira would be a little scary. Ooh. I'd be a little scared. Shakira can do too much with her body some of her movements her hip yeah her hips yeah i feel like shakira i would be having sex with shakira and then all of a sudden shakira would be like hanging from a lantern or something like i don't know

she's doing aerial silks above you and it's like this is trust shakira to have like a good normal time i think i would end up having to do a lot here's the thing caleb you know how sometimes you say working uh sex is working out oh yeah and it is i think there is no time it would be more true than sex with shakira i think i would pick shakira and i respect that because you're braver than me yeah i like i like to be a little scared i like to be a little scared when i'm having sex with pop pop divas yeah yeah all right hey no all right no no shame in that hey reina do you want them how do you want them to experience this video is there a particular place

or people you want them to be with is there a particular like how do you think this video is best experienced okay I want them to be each alone on a desktop computer in their family home at night watching it on AOL video

and I want them to be experiencing feelings about women that they aren't sure if it's okay yet and I want to them to be watching it and then the mom alien walks in and is like oh are you watching a music video and they're like oh you know it's like a little scary because you know they're kind of feeling things about beyonce and shakira and it was kind of a personal moment for them to be watching it alone and they're being interrupted that's why i want the alien to feel when they're watching it for the first time okay okay okay okay i can support that caleb do you have a different scenario no i'm just thinking i'm thinking about how powerful it would be to be in space and hear Beyonce's voice particularly.

Shakira is also great. But I'm just thinking to be in space and hear Beyonce, that would be powerful. I think they would want to come to Earth and be friends. My biggest goal with the aliens is always to make sure they want to come be friends. If they're going to come and be weird vibes or be mean to us or take us over, kill us, then I'm like, you all don't have to visit. Well, I want them to have privacy when they're first experiencing it, because if they find out like how amazing human women are on their own time,

I think that's a beautiful way to be like, hey, like they're on Earth. Yeah. We got to go to Earth and be like kind of chill because Beyonce and Shakira are there. And they're not fucking around. Yeah. We've got to go to Earth and be like kind of chill because Beyonce and Shakira are there. And they're not fucking around. Yeah. They're dancing in an inch thick of water in front of a couple clouds. An inch thick of water. Thick.

To describe water as being thick. Not deep. They're dancing in an inch thick of water. Yeah, the water's viscous. It's thick. The water has a real viscosity. Listen. Raina? Yeah? we need to take a break wait me and you i was gonna say i need to take a break it's been too hot and heavy do you guys want me to no shelby what were you gonna say i'm sorry that we needed to take a break oh well then you guys let's just take a break, to be honest. Here we go. Break time. Break time now.

Welcome Bark. Bark. Oh, Raina, do you want to do some woofs? Do you want to do some woofs, like a barking? Do you want, like, big dog, small dog? Like, what kind do you want? I want a big dog fighting with a small dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give us a whole scene. Okay. Wait, no. I want, like dog fighting with a small dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give us a whole scene. Wait, no. I want a warning one. A small dog is like, That was pretty good. Oh, yeah. The small dog you're really good at. You have to scare yourself a little bit. You're a dog my mic is like no that's because i really don't like the kind of dog that

makes that little kind of scream and so yeah it's like coming from a place of like emotional like fearful memory you know kind of an amygdala memory through hate breeds art and i've always said that um shelby's art is yeah shelby's art is very based in hatefulness i can say that confidently through hate we make art no i liked the original through hate breeds art that was a little gross yeah yeah yeah yeah not not hate breeds art through hate breeds art okay no problem through hate breeds art you heard it here first folks reina we have to ask you a separate question quick okay if you were gonna delete something from the records of humanity. That doesn't have to be the big stuff. It's not like poverty or famine. Famine or unkindness.

It's more like something embarrassing that we just don't want them to find out about. What are we deleting? I thought about this a lot. I had a lot of things and I was like, those aren't good enough. I have one chance to delete something. And so I've settled on old people eating dinner alone.

Oh my god. And I do think that if old people eating dinner alone is a little too broad, it's a little too world hunger, then I will amend it to be the experience of seeing an old person eating dinner alone. We can delete that. Old people eating alone. We can delete it. It is, there's truly nothing that hurts my heart in that way. It's one of the worst parts of being a human.

Old people doing most things alone is really sad. Like, old person sitting alone on a park bench. Well, that can be nice it can be nice but then you think about it a little bit too long you're like oh he used to do this with his wife or something like that like you're like dedicated to someone he loved you're like okay yeah it's like oh he goes there every day because he paid for it to be named for his wife shelby's like oh it could be nice but not in my head what you you won't believe what i can cook up yeah i understand that things could be good my brain is powerful and strong and it will make

sure that it's not yeah have you guys seen that movie where robert de niro tries to um go visit all of his kids like his adult children living in different cities he goes on a road trip to see all of them no but I'm already sad. It's really... So basically there's this movie. You guys should watch it. It's the... It is the movie equivalent of the feeling you're talking about right now.

Where like they're all supposed to come home for a holiday barbecue. And you see him like getting his little yard ready. And going to the grocery store. And buying like... He's at the grocery store and he's like, I need the nice steaks. I need the nice wine. My kids are coming to town. And he's like preparing... His wife has recently died. I need the nice wine. My kids are coming to town. And he's like preparing.

His wife has recently died and they haven't been home since his wife died. So their mother. So he's like planning this really thing. And then one by one they start calling and are like, hey, sorry, dad, not going to be able to make it like something with work, something with the kids. The movie's called Everybody's Fine. Mike just told me in the chat. And then so he's like, okay, they won't come to me.

I'll go to them. So he goes on a road trip and every single kid that he stops at like blows him off and is basically like sorry i can't you gotta go i can't do this and so he's just like stopping at each of their houses trying to and they're all like keeping stuff from him like they're not telling them about his life it is so fucking sad and then he gets mugged it's very sad it's just like that's horrible yeah yeah yeah he gets mugged in like a tunnel and they they don't they don't actually steal money from him they just take his pills and stomp on them so he like doesn't have his pills that he needs to live it is the most gratuitous

like sad movie that is that's horrible yeah delete that all of that what's the song there's a song that's about like a dad who wasn't around when he was young and then he tries to come around and the kids old cats in the cradle in the silver spoon that's what that's about yeah god i'm learning so much i didn't know songs were about things until we started talking today i didn't know songs had messages yeah like i truly thought we were just cats cats in the cradle is so sad it's the same as that movie it sounds like kind of i love reina saying that she didn't know songs had meaning that actually is so funny it's like this is really crazy i'm gonna have to like go listen to some music after this do you ever have you ever been on like a dating app or something and someone's bio is like

no when it asks about music and they'll be like i don't really listen to music or something like that is there any clearer thing that someone's kills for sport yeah that's killer behavior i think that's literally more interesting than being super into music reina because it's like what do you what like what is what does your brain sound like reina if you don't have a song stuck in your head sweetheart like what like that's so crazy that is so fascinating i have to believe their thoughts are singing and that's why they don't need to listen to music i have to believe that their thoughts are who am i gonna kill next yeah um yeah i'm looking at the lyrics of cats in the cradle and it does seem like maybe that was the pitch for the robert de niro movie wow um that movie's really sad you guys should watch it

okay absolutely not i cried at the intern reena what do you think would be next on your records okay thank you for asking i was just kind of waiting for someone to ask um right up next would be and i know this is like probably controversial but like it's important to me and i want to share like a little part of myself with the aliens um it would be youtube videos of ingrown hair extractions oh okay and specifically the ones that are narrated by uh the person who does them who is really frustrated with her clients and she complains about them while she's showing the extractions as painful as it is to my clients to have the ones that i had to pinch out those be the best ones i'd be so upset and happy at the

same time that i'm like oh my gosh i'm about to pinch the mess out of them but this about to be a good footage they be dying over here i be kind of feeling bad but i be happy because i get to cater to y'all drama i know this like if you don't like watching like gross things dr pimple popper stuff like yeah i'm not a big pimple popper person but for some reason i like watching ingrown hair extractions because something's wrong with me probably um and i did find a youtube channel where this girl's like oh she's like girl this client was 15 minutes late she came in she said i don't have cash she said the atm is too far away i don't want to drive i just paid for parking and she's late she couldn't pay blah blah she literally talked shit about the

clients while we're seeing her extracting ingrown hairs from that is the kind of reality tv that they should be making and they don't and i think that's kind of like a nice balance where it's like earth is disgusting too and also we're all really sick of each other and people can do bad things and still do a favor you know exactly exactly Caleb hates pimple popping I know that okay yeah all that shit all that all that like gross medical stuff I can't I can't do it where people are like look at this video of a blackhead even on yourself like do you like popping zits on yourself i mean i don't get them uh i'm really blessed i'm really blessed but i know it's just like the video like the videos that people do

of like the oh i mean it makes me sick to even think about of like the pimples that are popping and they they they ooze for like five straight minutes i'm like what is the what is the allure yeah it's a satisfaction thing i um recently i'm watching well we've recently learned that that doesn't always work but i um i uh recently got really into watching this hot chiropractor crack backs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Raina just got so horny. Raina just got so horny. It was crazy. I know what you're talking about. I know your reference. I know your reference perfectly girl you don't need to cite your source I already know

I think chiropractic is overall pretty bad but I like those videos no work cited required that's hot I've seen it as well don't send me a link don't send me a link I already follow I've already liked and subscribed don't you dare send me a link I already follow. I've already liked and subscribed.

Don't you dare send me a link. I also follow a chiropractor that cracks horses' backs, too. He's really big and strong, and he does chiropractors for horses. No. No. I don't want Hank. Ew, that's too far. No, he's really helping.

He's really helping them. Too far. He's really helping the horses. Ooh horses oh reina you went way too far i wish we said oh reina you're being bad for real girl stop i'm blushing so hard right now i wish we stopped at people not mr hans not the horse doctor I wish we stopped at people. Not Mr. Hand. Ooh, not the horse doctor. Anything but the horse doctor, girl.

Not Seabiscuit. Anything but. Ooh, not the guy who cracks horses' backs until they're better. I hate that. Make it be anything else oh oh god could i wait i have to ask you a serious question i have an answer already for both of you in my heads in my head okay i hope you're wrong do you

guys think that well no i have my answer for your okay do you guys think i could be a phone sex operator yes or no yes after what just happened i've already heard i've already heard you do it as a as a character and i have to say i didn't love it okay so shelby says no reina says yes someone's kink well i think so i think you're great at character work i think you are great at character work and i think you would find a phone sex operator character that worked really well for you. Yeah, I do think you would do well at the improvising part. I think it's more the you buying into it part that I don't think would happen for anybody. I said, do you guys think I'm sexy? And Shelby said, everything's for somebody.

Shelby said, Shelby said, everybody's into something. No, I just know that the voice you've ever done when we've talked about phone sex is, Oh, daddy. Oh, no, I've been bad. So I have to, I have to, I have to then do some mental math that literally sounds like Bane he should be doing that career wise I hope someone doesn't punish me for being bad

that literally sounds like the pain from Bane that sounds like Bane doesn't it oh I thought you said Bane and I thought you were doing a joke like Bane from Batman and I was like I was born in the dark he was like I was born in the dark you were doing me I'm going outside

to play like isn't that what Bane sounded like and here's the thing Raina said it's giving pig in the city Raina said it's giving pig in the city really sounds like that I think you both could do phone sex work just so you know thank you and I do think

you could I just think you wouldn't want to. Okay. Incredible. Reina, hey, what else would you put on your recces? All right, here's what I've got next. The next one's a sensation, because I know that the ingrown hairs may have thrown a lot of the aliens. They're like, okay, what the fuck is going on?

So next I have the feeling of when the hairstylist is shampooing your hair and they scratch your scalp a bunch in the salon um that is i think one of the best feelings that can happen to a person in normal life so true and i would like to share that with aliens because like i don't know if they have hair I don't know if they have fingers and so I want to share that feeling with them if they don't have them I don't know if they have hair, I don't know if they have fingers

that's it, that's all I know, I'm just like listening to things I don't know she knows everything else about them I know everything else I have an idea but I just don't know about the hair or the fingers they have a thor know everything i know they have an idea but i just don't know about the hair they have a thorax i know that now reina the thing about getting your hair massaged at a salon is this it can be so sensual that i start to catch feelings for whoever's doing it yeah if you look them in the eye while it's happening and you moan a little bit and your eyes roll back like that's

not your fault that's not your fault well i am so glad genuinely every time i've ever gotten haircut i thank god i was not born with a penis i would have i would be so hard from that there's no like no no you wouldn't you would no you i would i would no you said you said you would i mean you No, it is horny, but it's not like get a achieve an erection horny. I've seen people get erections from such weird shit. That's not going to do it. Well, I mean. Okay, what kind of.

What are you thinking? Yeah, what have you seen, babe? I went to summer camp, guys. There's so many weird things that people are getting hard from all the time. Kayaking. That's what I've learned shooting a bow and arrow making s'mores with your closest friends winning a game of bracelet um sitting at a campfire bonding with bonding with people really rapidly because you're in a space and time secluded from your regular life that just kind of propels that journey yeah all of that a cheer what'd you say reina i love being in a space

that's what i said under my breath okay i love being in a space right now close your ears real quick caleb what the fuck was that yeah what was that what was that what was that about ultimately hey reina keep closing your ears caleb what do we even say to that i think i'm just gonna focus for the rest of the episode on having a very soothing tone because reina the chaos of what reina just did needs to be sort of tempered yeah reina said i love to be in a space i feel sort of like cocooned by the very fabric of space time and i want to share that with you and with the listener and reina reina saying under her breath that she loves to be in a space is the opposite of that kim cattrall

headline that says i don't want to be in a situation for even a minute it's the opposite reina loves being in a situation i literally love to be in the situation i chase them constantly it's a situation ship reina in whatever space she's in mike the situation reina the situation morris reina the space the inhabitor oh reina the reina the inhabitor is actually kind of cool marvel you should be in wrestling. Hey, wait. I got to ask.

Shelby, I got to ask you a question. What's up? What do you think Reina is going to put next on her records? Let's both guess. You first. My guess is love of country. My guess is love of war. Reina? You guys were actually both super close.

It is? It's eating ice. Yes. Insert drum roll. Okay. What about that do you love? Is it the noise? Is it the, I won't say taste.

What is it doing for you? It kind of is the taste. Well, it's a couple things. It's a couple things. It's like we don't know again if they have ice where they're coming from um but i do find it to be pretty important to the earth experience both in beverages and also you know in regulation of the sea and in climate um truly when i wrote this one down it's because i was

eating ice at the time i was not having any of these thoughts i just made that up in the moment just now um i just really like eating ice um i think i have an iron deficiency um the truth comes out the truth comes out i think I have an iron deficiency and it causes me to crave ice sometimes and this is kind of should I be worried

have a burger I don't know if you eat meat I don't for example you don't have to tell me twice I do eat meat I don't eat pork but that's it nice is that a quaker thing or a you thing it's a me thing i just really like pigs oh yeah you were talking about babe not so long ago but it's like but it's like fuck cows you're you're you're taking over the chick-fil-a advertising that's like fuck chickens or whatever um do you have a specific type of ice like are you a sonic ice like the chewable ice type person or

are you like get me crushed ice that is hard to chew do you know what i'm saying this is insane but like give me a full ice cube and let me oh my god let me eat it for a while let me suck on that for a little bit. And then it gets to a point where there's little tiny bubbles in it when it gets smaller. And then you can go ahead and actually crunch down on that. In the cube. You guys know what I'm talking about? Tiny bubbles.

You guys know what I'm talking about? In the cube. No. Oh, tiny bubbles. No, I have no idea what you're talking about. In the cube no oh tiny bubbles no I have no idea what you're talking about in the cube oh tiny bubbles tiny bubbles

in the cube oh wait so you oh I thought you meant but you actually meant tiny bubbles tiny bubbles in the cube in the queue. A five, a six, a five, six, seven, eight.

Tiny bubbles in the queue. Yeah. Yeah. You guys know what I'm talking about. Mike, make that sound worse it sounded too good i can't stand the idea of chewing ice it makes me i have really sensitive teeth i can't even bite into ice cream so when i see people chewing ice it actually gives me a it makes me physically ill yeah here's the thing i think it's controversial i like chewable ice i think that shit's good but people don't i love it i love it i love all of it um i do think i should go to the doctor

um it's kind of like take me to the doctor that's how much i like ice it's kind of like i need a cup of ice throw out the key like get me to the hospital so I can have some ice chips. If chewing ice is illegal, then I need to go to prison. I'm absolutely in trouble for how much ice I like to eat.

And that's what I want the aliens to know. I'm absolutely in trouble. The more I look at this list, I'm like, this is disgusting. Like, I'm so... No, it's perfect. Like, this is disgusting. I looked at, like, the other people's pics on your Instagram,

like, right before we started, which I shouldn't have done because they were all, like, kind of beautiful. It was, like, the summer rain. I like some of them. And, like, a Mandy Moore song. And mine is, like, fucking pulling hairs out chewing on ice scratching your head saying amandie moore song is beautiful what's last on your rack okay the last thing is because i think this might hit on the beautiful thing i don't know it's still kind of gross it's still kind of gross i'm maybe i'm a yucky maybe i'm a yucky little guy i don't know. It's still kind of gross. It's still kind of gross. Maybe I'm a yucky little guy.

I don't know. Maybe I'm a gross little piggy. Oink, oink. Maybe I'm an irredeemable little oinkster. Tiny bubbles. Tiny bubbles. In the episode. Okay, my last thing is a kiss on the lips.

No. Hot. From someone wearing a little bit of lip gloss. Oh, okay. And that's because I think it's romantic. And also because if aliens came, I would want to kiss one. Just to see. Just to see. Well, they'd be slimy probably. I think they'd be slimy we don't know we don't know we just said they

might not even know water what if what if they were so dry and all they wanted was lip balm they finally came down and were like we don't want to bother you guys but we need like a bunch of lip balm they're like i would be like they go to like a burt's bees factory and they're like listen guys help us they do a hold up they do a hold up they go we hate to do this we need some messily but we need the chapstick put it in this bag and no one gets hurt an alien walks into the burt's bees factory with a sawed-off shotgun and like a pillow sack and says if everyone keeps a cool head they go home to their families tonight fill this up and then he gets back on and they start putting money in they start putting money in and they go what the fuck is that no we don't want that stuff they

point to a big vat of of chapstick they go that's what we need i feel like they might okay what is it okay how many arena how many people would you say you've kissed that were wearing lip gloss in your whole life in my whole life how many distinct different people wearing lip gloss yeah yeah I would say estimate it I would probably like well I don't want to be like embarrassed it's like Is it going to be really high? It's like a lot of people, like, most of the time, like, if you're wearing lip gloss, I'm like, should we kiss? Is that crazy? No.

It's like a normal. The next time we hang out with Raina, Caleb's wearing so much lip gloss. You've never seen me wearing more lip gloss. You've never seen me wearing more lip gloss. And Caleb's wearing, like, bright orange lip gloss. It's so obvious. I'm like, hey,'s just like all around too it's on my entire face he puts them like right on his neck he's like oh you missed us oh gotta get it all you said and it's like i will say if i'm not kissing someone wearing lip gloss

i would say half the time okay i'm bisexual oh my god happy pride happy pride and i would say that i've always heard about that i'm kissing someone with lip gloss on and then the other half i'm the one with the lip gloss on and sometimes we both have a boss on see i'm by but i'm i'm more of a chapstick kind of girl okay chapstick counts some sort of slick oh huge i'm in lubrication of the lips castor oil castor as long as it's like jamaican black castor oil what about

that why not why not that caleb's like buffalo sauce oh i mean actually i thought

hey yeah people were getting kisses for having buffalo sauce on their lips i wouldn't i wouldn't have any free time

i'd just be getting kissed for some reason you saying that was the first time i've noticed you're holding your mic in your hand. Yeah, we both are. I know. It's so much cooler. Mike would be so mad at us if we both did a mic drop.

Because why? You dropped Mike? No, because I think it would be bad for the mics, of which we need to record the podcast. His namesake. Of which? Mike mike would you be mad no mike wow he wouldn't care that's awesome he doesn't give a shit mike's like don't fucking involve me in this you guys are being weird as fuck talking about chicken sauce kissing get the fuck out of here don't call me he's like this is the grossest list of records i've ever heard my texas right after the podcast and he's just like hey guys i just spent the past couple of minutes throwing up oh my god mike just said in the chat yuck oh my god that's so mean it's so funny to imagine that mike sends us the first cut of this and is like

hey guys i hope there's no edits because I can't listen to this again. The email subject when we get the cut of Raina's episode is just 15 puking emojis. And then he says, please let this be good enough. I can't do this anymore. Want to contract someone else. He sends us a picture. He's sitting in the hospital. He got so sick.

He had to go to the hospital because of the hair thing. He's in. He's hooked up to an IV and he's like, please let this be good enough. He can't breathe. They're using the thing to make him breathe. Oh my god. I'm crying. He's on a ventilator.

Stop. he's on a ventilator stop this is literally the grossest episode ever I'm gonna do it again I'm gonna be like Febreze said to spray also Raina keeps saying she wants a more beautiful record than the things she lists are like Mandy Moore and febreze it's like what those are no more beautiful

yeah well i'm i'm a sick little head i'm like what's night what is what are these people like mandy moore like how old am i well listen reina reina reina we do give you one last opportunity before you go to say something really beautiful. If you have to say one message to the aliens before to, you know, sort of headline the collection. What do you say? Okay. Oh, my God. This is your one opportunity to speak directly to the aliens.

What do you say? Do not miss your chance to loot. I'd be like, okay, this is Earth. Sorry, it's kind of yucky oh that the you that's what you use your redemption on that's what you use your redemption yeah i'm just apologizing i'm just gonna be like sorry it's kind of yucky oh our bad it's a little messy over here you need to clean us up. We're covered in bile. Help us.

Sorry, it's a little bit yucky. I wish it was a little cleaner down here. Maybe you could... Ew, ew, ew. Ew, if you guys have any big mops,'m talking a big huge mops bring them bring them and use them know how to use them please i beg reina you've been an incredible guest do you want to tell people where they can find you before we get the hell off here sure i'm literally like i did not think this is the way that i would feel about my list after I was done but I am like disgusted okay like if you like if you like gross little stuff you can you can follow me at Quaker Raina on Twitter and Instagram and that's all for a minute weren't you cowboy Raina I was I was Quaker cowboy

for a long time there you go I did think that it was misleading because I was almost never around cows thank you for people were talking about that too a lot of people were talking yeah we talk about that a lot at the house we're like why did she do that people were sick of it so okay well we love you girl thank you for loving me for who i am um say it back oh say it back say it back i love mike cut the tape mike cut the tape it's embarrassing Mike, cut the tape. Mike, cut the tape. Cut the tape. Cut the tape. That was embarrassing. That was a Hiddem Original.