Keeping Records - Time of Your Life

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

Good morning America (or wherever you're listening from, hopefully from a different planet)! The long awaited Golden Record from our one and only Caleb Hearon is finally here. It's a bittersweet symphony as we go through a lot of feelings. Queue Vitamin C… and let us know… F/K Jason Segal and Vince Vaughn. Caleb's Artifacts The feeling of unrequited love, as expressed by "I Can Love You Better" by The Chicks (audio) They pushed me down and maced me Animaniacs (audio-visual) The blowjob scene with Brenda Song and Andrew Garfield in The Social Network" (audio-visual) The out-of-body feeling when you're having a special moment and you realize you will remember it forever (feeling) Lauryn Hill's album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill (audio) Every single John Goodman performance (audio-visual) The Break-Up starring Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn (2006 Film) "Money" by The Flying Lizards (audio) Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamualaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Hey, Keeping Records heads! What's up, Shel? Oh, you know. Live, laugh, love.

Oh, what's up is live laugh love it's giving living laughing loving wait i saw lindsey sent me these lindsey sent me screenshots of something that was being sold on etsy yeah that was like live laugh abortion like whoa and like in this house we like you know like i would say laugh love abortion i live with abortion is actually it gets a little tricky, doesn't it? It's just so, it's in the font. It's like the same people that have live, laugh, love in their house. To have like, there was one that really got me.

That was like. In this house we do hugs. Yeah. We do big laughs. Yeah, it was like. We do abortions at any stage. It was like all of them were just talking about how much they loved abortion. Not just that they were cool with it.

Yeah. Which I loved. I love it that they were cool with it. Yeah. Which I loved. I love it. I love it. I laugh love. Get pregnant to abort. Abortion laugh love. That's what I always say. That's literally what they think we're doing.

I know. That's like right wing people are like, these people go out and try to get pregnant because they love getting abortions. It's like, do you know that it's not a comfortable process? And also it's like completely like. Did you know that's actually miserable to be a woman? Did you know it's actually a really huge fucking hassle to go in and have one? Did you know... Let's get it done like this. Oh, God.

Shelby's getting political. You want to go to the dentist. Oh, God, y'all. You moved that appointment a hundred times. Oh, boy. Because you don't want to go in. She's going politics now. Well, abortion, you got to go in, you know.

Shelby's going C-SPAN. Sometimes you can do it in a pill. Shelby's going C, you know. Sometimes you can do it in a pill. Sometimes you can do it in a pill, actually. Abortion or dentistry? Both. You can get your teeth cleaned with a pill. Yeah. Or, well, they don't tell you what the pill's going to do, so you have to be careful.

Yeah. It'll either give you an abortion or clean your teeth. There's a pill that does something, and it can do stuff with dentistry. Or it can give you an abortion on accident. Do you think dentists, are you good with the dentist? You don't like the dentist. I hate it. I think they're completely psychotic.

I think if you chose, and it's no offense, I love all of our little freaks, but if you chose to be a dentist in this world, you are a fucked up individual. There's something very weird about my hometown where like eight people I knew growing up are dentists now. Yeah. Well, it's... I didn't know that that was like a popular career path. It is. I also know a lot of optometrists.

Yeah. Well, famously, I don't think they should be allowed to consider themselves doctors. No, foot doctors and eye doctors are not doctors. You're not a doctor. I'm reading off a sheet. You're a dentist. Yeah, you're cleaning.

You're a tooth man. You're a cleaning man. Well, sometimes they have to cut the teeth. You're a dentist Yeah you're cleaning You're a tooth man You're a cleaning man Well sometimes they have to cut the teeth You're a carpenter You're a carpenter You're a mouth architect If anything I have been thinking about dropping like a lot of money on getting veneers

Full veneer set Well as I don't know if they know this Do they know that I have no teeth? Shelby knocked her teeth out and got fake teeth Shelby's teeth are fake that's why they're so beautiful. Hey, if you ever want to get insurance to cover some of your veneers, go ahead and

knock your teeth out. God, it makes me so sick to think about you in pain. When I think about you in pain. Well, honey, I was unconscious. I hate thinking about you in peril. Well, the podcast is ending.

I'm sorry, guys. That was a rip the band-aid. Yeah, it's like you just got a lot of no because they're speculating after last week. Here's the language we want to use. And we've thought about this. And we've thought about how to tell you guys this. We had a meeting corporate with our lawyers. Our lawyers were involved.

The current iteration of the Keeping Records podcast after this episode and the next episode, which this episode will be my golden record. And the next episode will be Shelby's. True. The current iteration of this podcast is over. Ending. Done. Well, soon done.

Soon done. You've got one more after this, baby. Lick it up. You guys better lap it up. You guys better lap it up. You guys better shove your noses in it and rub it around. You guys better drink this up like the wine. Drink it up like the blood of a... Christ.

Like the blood of Christ. I almost said the blood of a virgin. What the fuck was that about? It seems like a ritual. Yeah. You better drink this like the blood of a virgin on the night of the full moon. So the podcast might. That actually might bring back 10 more episodes.

Yeah. We incite people to start drinking the blood of virgins. Here's what I will say. The podcast might continue in some other iteration other than what it is now. We don't know. Also, people have been pretty active on the boards saying that they're going to do violence against the company Miata because HeadGum

if HeadGum cancelled us HeadGum did not cancel us we are trying to figure out a different way to do this because of problems that have come up with

recording schedules and shit like that correct so don't be mean to the company Miata nobody can cancel us but you can always tag HeadGum

and tell them that you love us. That's always on the table. That's always, and you should. And you should. You should. Even if we don't have the podcast anymore, just let them know. Yeah, they should know that we're liked. I want people to know that people like me.

You guys can legally tag anyone and tell them you love me. And me as well. It doesn't have to just be about Caleb. I will say the snacks at HeadGum have been ass the entire time that we've been coming to the studio. There's been a couple chocolates and a fruit bar. Truly today we came... Oh, and boxed water. Today we come in, there's beef jerky, there's cheese sticks, they've got ginger

ale now. I mean, really the snacks overnight when we said we weren't doing the podcast anymore came up in a way I can't even explain to you guys. They said, wait a second. Caleb and Shelby won't be here maybe. Maybe we make this place bang. Maybe we make this place fucking baller and we put beef sticks in the fridge. So when you listen to your other head gum podcast and everyone seems to be in a better mood.

This is why. They are. They are. They're having a blast. They're having the best little time of their life. Oh, my God. Shelby, do you know what perineum sunning is? No.

What? Oh, my God, what? I did a perfect bridge. Oh. You looked straight ahead out. The listeners can't tell, but there's windows over here that you look straight ahead out, and you said, oh, my God, with a scared face. And I got to tell you, in this climate, I wasn't feeling great about it.

I got to tell you, I don't know what these windows are made out of, but when someone looks straight ahead and says, oh, my God, at an entrance, guess how I feel about it right now. Not good. But as it turns out, it was about an accident. Shelby, are you familiar with perineum sunning? No. So this is apparently a holistic health practice that I've recently learned about where people

Oh, you sun your asshole. You sun your asshole. You put your legs, you spread your legs, and you expose your asshole to the sun every day. Yeah. And people think it makes them healthy. Can you believe? Is there proof? I mean, I guess it can't hurt.

I guess I can't imagine unless you've got, like, asshole cancer. Well, actually, dark. Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark. But a lot of skin cancer does originate in the asshole. You are fucking lying to me. I'm telling the dead ass truth. My dad just had it. Why would it originate in the asshole?

It's usually in your GI. Like if it's not presenting on like a mole or anything, it's in your GI. How do you screen for that? You don't. Get your asshole checked? You don't? You just have to have it?

So. Ultimately, I only know that because of what happened. Yeah. Yeah. So. Well, you guys. Wow, I'm so excited. Completely shaking. Get out of the mic.

The listeners are going to hate that. That's ASMR. That's ASMR. How does that sound? Perfect? It sounds good. I like it. You also should be using a coaster.

Wait, yeah. I couldn't find one. Oh. I couldn't find one. One truly three feet away. Don't worry about it. Let's not even worry about it. Also, just before we get into the record, I just want to be really clear.

Anya's not in the room today. Anya's not in the room today. That's why the energy is so good. Anya's not here to belittle us, fight with us, demean Shelby. I have a really good relationship with Anya. It's Shelby and Anya that really have a toxic... Anya and I text on the side. Caleb's talking slander.

Anya and Shelby have a toxic sort of frenemy situation. And Casey and I have a competitive workplace relationship. Sexual. Oh. Sexual. Maybe on his part. I will say there are eyeballs sometimes with Casey. Yeah.

Where I'm like, you know, drinking. It's like a hot day and I'm drinking a cold glass of water and some of it drips down my chin. And Casey, I have noticed him being like... I've seen him do this. I've seen him... His tongue rolls out like a hot day and I'm drinking a cold glass of water and some of it drips down my chin. And Casey, I have noticed him being like. I've seen him do this. I've seen him. His tongue rolls out like a carpet. Tongue rolls out like a carpet.

Vroom. I've seen him do stuff like that. Yeah. He goes. Why yada yada. What I wouldn't do. I'd walk across broken glass for five miles for the chance to hold his jock strap. Well, I would walk 500 miles to lick that ice cube off his chin.

Just to kiss my friend Caleb on the lips. I wouldn't walk that far. So today we're going to be doing my golden record. That's so true. This has been long awaited. And I want to start. Shelby doesn't know any of them. I didn't tell Shelby what's going to be on my record.

Oh wait, yes I did. I literally told you all of them. Oh. Did you remember that and you weren't going to say anything? Yeah. Shelby was willing to lie to you guys. I forgot. I told you at lunch yesterday.

I was like, oh, I'll just let him have that. Okay, are you ready? Unless he's added something. I have. Well, I woke up this morning with the thought of one that makes no sense because it's really not a big deal to me but here we go um the feeling of unrequited love specifically as communicated by the song i can love you better by the Chicks. Now, unrequited love is, in my opinion, one of the most deeply human experiences you can have. And it is inherently queer, no matter who it's happening to, how it's going. And the best way to experience unrequited love is as a gay man listening to songs by

women about men. Because this really works and since we don't get a lot of queer songs well we didn't used to i mean i guess now we're getting some when i was growing up country songs he's coming it's gone i refuse to believe that i thought it would be louder if I knew it would be that quiet. I would have never interrupted. Country songs by women about men that they wanted to be with, that were cheating on them or that were with other women. These are the ways that I processed, you know, being gay and having crushes on straight guys who were also with women and not me.

So my first thing is I want to hear it, but I know that it's traditionally pretty difficult to do, so we're going to do it from the phone. Baby, I can love you better. I can love you better than that. I know how to make you forget her. Do you think this is the precursor to, I could be a better boyfriend than him? Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't, but here's the song. Oh, I'm going to play it after this. Ow, ow, ow, no, no don't, but here's the song. Oh, I'm going to play it after this. The chicks know what they're doing. Wait. Okay. Not for me. Mine wasn't good. Theirs was.

Yeah. Can't get there. She's got me wrapped up in her satin animal lace Tied around her with a finger She's got you thinking you can never escape Don't you know your heart's in danger There's a devil in that angel's face If you could only see the love that you're not on your feet right now. Baby, I can love you. Baby, I can love you better.

I mean, it doesn't get better than this. Do you know the song? You don't know the song Better Boyfriend? No. Better Boyfriend? By whom? I can be a better... I can be a better... I'll play it.

Because I think that song actually ripped the chicks and I didn't realize it till this moment whoa um no I'm scared it's called boyfriend by Dove Cameron um oh I know Dove personally okay well plagiarism it's different energy but same vibe wait It's different energy, but same vibe. Wait. She's a beautiful voice. I was going to say, fuck. She's doing something vocally that is really impressive.

What am I going to do? Not grab your wrist. I love it. Plus all my clothes would fit. Well, that was a beautiful song, Shelby. Do you think that the vibe is the same? It's like, I can love you better, and it's like, I could be a better boyfriend. I will say also, I don't know that they're inherently

about unrequited love, but I am placing that onto it. I am placing, not only, I'm placing a queer context onto it, and I'm also placing, well, that one has a queer context. Yeah, this one is actually explicitly pretty. I can love you better, I place a queer context onto it and also placing – well, that one has a queer context. This one is actually explicitly pretty. I can love you better. I place a queer context onto it because I want to and I'm placing unrequited love on it. For all we know, this person does love them back or will love them back. I'm placing it into a place where they don't and never will.

That's what I'm doing. But I think in the moment of the – in that moment, what they're capturing is you're with someone else and aren't being with me. And aren't being with me. Which is unrequited in some way. Even if they're sort of like giving you little breadcrumbs. Even if they're breadcrumbing. Well, this does a lot of things. Which is fucked up.

This does a lot of things for me on my record, which is that it tells aliens about unrequited love, which I think is a deeply essential human experience. And then also gives them the chicks, which... Which, if they're not listening to the chicks by the time they get this record, it's like... The chicks are the most important band that has ever existed. And I mean that with my entire chest. The chicks deserve what the Beatles have.

Yeah. The chicks are so consequential. They are so important. Their music is so good. Natalie Mainz is such an icon. Not enough people are talking about it. So the next thing I'm going to put on here. Shelby,

I'm nervous about what to put next. Okay, well, I put the best of humanity. Now I'm going to put a little bit of the worst. Uh-oh. But it's kind of also the best. I am putting on... I want this to be something so stupid.

The video of the woman at the insurrection at the Capitol saying, they pushed me down and maced me. And someone said it to the Animaniacs theme song. So it says, We're animani, totally insaney. They push me down and mace me. Animaniacs! This to me illustrates the reason that humanity will fall

is because the stupidest, fucking most useless, brain-dead people on earth are making laws and are supporting laws and politicians like this woman and everyone who went to the capitol on january 6th unless they were there unrelated uh yeah on the off chance they were there unrelated peace and blessings but everyone who was there for the political purpose of stealing nancy pelosi's office chair stapler prison um the stupidest people on earth are going to be the reason that literally fails literally prison and uh i want the aliens to know that we're not all like that and the reason they

know that is because we made the animaniacs video making fun of this fool so to me this showcase is like oh there are these awful people but we're not all like them are you afraid go ahead that they'll see that and they'll think that's a real show that we celebrate and love. It's a show about this woman. No. Okay. I'm not because I'm going to include sort of how like a museum has the little placard next to the painting. I'm going to include

a little note that says on January 6th a bunch of idiot loser morons stormed the Capitol to try and overturn the election in the United States. And we made fun of them because they suck.

And they were unsuccessful this time. They won't be next time. I think they're getting better organized and next time they will get it done. But this time, this time it was funny. In hindsight. Yeah, it's funny that they didn't get it done. I think next time it won't be hilarious. I think next time it was funny. In hindsight. Yeah, it's funny that they didn't get it done.

I think next time it won't be hilarious. I think next time it'll... This was an extremely goofy movie. Next time it will be hardly goofy at all. I gotta talk to Disney. The next insurrection will not be goofy. It will be successful. Donald Duck.

The next insurrection will be organized and successful. But the last one was goofy. Mark my words. The last one was zany, goofy, crazy, cute, flirty, fun. The next one will be really, really spooky. Haunted house vibes. Haunted house vibes. It's giving new government.

It's giving totalitarian dictatorship. It's giving cobwebs, bitch. It's giving... It's giving guy in a skeleton chasing's giving cobwebs, bitch. It's giving... It's giving guy in a skeleton chasing you down the hallways, bitch. It's giving undemocratically installed fascist right-wing leader, bitch. And so... But I do want the aliens to know about the first one. The funny one.

Our funny insurrection. Aw, like my big fat Greek wedding. My big fat goofy insurrection. Oh my god, that actually should be a movie. Okay, okay. Someone get Universal on the phone. That was a record scratch. It goes to static and then it's us

just writing on the computer. That'd be iconic actually. Have we named her yet? Is she located? Is she being trialed? I don't know if she's being trialed. Oh, I hope she is. Okay, let's move on to a sexual one. Is she located? Is she being trialed? I don't know if she's being trialed. Oh, I hope she is. Okay. Let's move on to a sexual one. Classic with Caleb.

Classic with Caleb. I'm going to include, and this is really close to my heart, Brenda Song giving Andrew Garfield a blowjob in the bathroom in the movie A Social Network. The reason I'm going to put this on is because I want to do that. Specifically to him? Oh, I would blow Andrew Garfield in a bathroom without question. Okay.

Especially if he was wearing like a suit. Yeah. Yeah. You guys, I don't know how much Caleb's really let this loose on the pod. Put on a suit. But Caleb's type is. I have many types. I have many types.

But Caleb's number one type. Caleb has a lot of types of who he thinks is hot. But who he wants to fall in love with, build a family, is like, put on a baseball cap, get your gloves. And meet me in the front yard for a game of catch. Please. Not a game of catch. My type is definitely

running down the street to catch the ice cream truck. Gotta grab some ice cream cones for the kids back at the house. It's like, biggest stress is that the boss is giving them all the time. Caleb's like, all-American boy. Caleb's number one type for falling in love is someone who at least for a period of their life did the wave thing

with their hair. Well, I did the wave thing with their hair. Well, I did the wave thing with my hair. So I'm looking for kindred spirits. You did? Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, you guys, yeah, I have many types. And Shelby and my other. It's an all-American boy.

That is one of my types. I do love a guy who could star in a rom-com. Yeah, I want that moment in that movie is so, well, first of all, I want the aliens to understand that one of the most powerful things that we have is blowjobs.

Is blowjobs. Blowjobs are so, and oral sex in general, giving head, receiving head, not 60-90 though. If you're 60-90, grow the fuck up. It's hard to breathe.

Receive a gift without giving one and give a gift without receiving one. Right, like take turns. Literally learn to share. Like what is going on? We learn this stuff young. It's like, it's fucking disgusting. I'm like smothered and then also I'm trying to enjoy what's going on for me. It's like this is not.

And you have to position weird. Yeah, and we look goofy. So I'm sorry. It is one of those times where you're like, if you put a camera above, it does not look. I don't like the way my body looks. I'm also tall, so if you're not as tall as me, there's kind of like a craning effect that has to go on. And I'm short, so if you're not as short as me, it's weird. When Shelby and I are 69, it's one of the goofiest things you've ever seen.

It's less of a 69 and more of a 71. I gotta arch that neck. I'm 7 and I'm 1. I gotta crane down to get arch that neck. I'm seven and I'm one. I got to crane down to get at that muff. At two, baby. We're at a 71. If I want a face full of muff, I got to crane down for it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Actually, I'm really sorry. But, yeah, we can't do that at 69. So, oral sex. Oral sex is one of the most crucial. Oral sex is also an incredibly powerful political tool. Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton. Take a look at Bill Clinton. Take a look at the Bill Clinton scandal in the 90s. He was getting head and he shouldn't have been. He should not have been. He shouldn't have been doing getting head and he shouldn't have been. He should not have been. He shouldn't have been doing that. And so, and he shouldn't have lied about it. And it shouldn't have been with Monica.

Monica, we stand with you, girl. Monica, you didn't do anything wrong, girl. We love you, girl. We love ya. But, yeah, I think giving and receiving head is something the aliens need to know about. Because to the extent that they have genitals, they deserve to give and receive head. What if they don't have any pleasure points?

That would be so fucking terrifying. Do you think they would be a more sound society? I feel like if none of us could experience pleasure, it might be cooler. I've actually thought about there are times when I wish I was asexual. I hope that's not offensive. Well, the focus. I would just be so focused, and my life would be so much less.

I would be so much less turbulent. Is that offensive? I hope someone will tell me if it is. I don't think that it is. I don't think that it is. I'm going to leave it in, but let me know in the comments. I don't think.

Asexual people, let me know. But it would be much more focused. And aliens also, I want them to know that if they are good at it, they can even give us head. I would fuck an alien maybe. It just really depends on what the whole makeup thing is. Show me what that mouth do. Well, they would have to show me what the mouth does because I don't know if they have multiple sets of teeth or what's going on over there. It's just really good. But if they have a crazy long tongue, maybe I would do something with it.

Let me see it. Yeah. So, yeah. Aliens, when you listen to this, show us what that mouth do. Well, show us what the mouth does. What's going to hurt? Why not? Okay.

Moving on. I want to move into a kind of sentimental area. Oh, it's about our friendship. Well, it is about our friendship. Well, it is about our friendship. Really, truly. And about all of our friendships with our friends. Okay.

But about ours. I've had many of these moments with you. This is... Fuck, I'm gonna cry. I'm not, but did you kind of believe it? Oh, man. We'll do the tight cam on that um we'll do the tight cam on that we'll do the cam um sorry i'm gonna cry um this is pretty good okay well no i want to talk about

the feeling when you're having a great moment like a really special moment with friends and you go outside of your body and you realize that you're having an incredible moment that's worth being remembered, that feeling of being like, oh, I'm in a really good moment. I should remember this. I'm recognizing it as special. I want to hold on to this for times

when I'm not feeling good. How lucky am I to know these people and to be in this place at this moment? I want that feeling. I think that's the best feeling on earth. Yes. I think we talked about it a lot, but when we did Studio 11, there were times in the green room where we would just be like, fuck.

This is it. This is cool. Yeah. Yeah, there's that, I guess part of it is a realization that things get bad again or that things often are bad. But there's – when you are able to be in a moment like our time in Chicago doing comedy with all of our friends, like Studio 11. Studio 11 is a live show that we ran for two years in Chicago together, me and Shelby. And it was awesome. And I think when you're able to be in a moment and go, oh, I'm not going to look back someday and go, oh, those were the days when we didn't know it.

We fully knew. Like we were like, this is very special. Yeah. And that was, I think, very lucky for us that we fully appreciated it at the time. Yeah. There's something about also just like having a good day. Like not even like a good day like where you're having the – like where you're just like with friends all day. You're like doing nothing significant but you're just like having a day.

Yeah. And then midway through you're like, this is a good day. Yeah. Your body doesn't feel weird. Yeah. You're like – You've got enough sleep or whatever. Like it's – everything is copacetic.

If you're drinking, it's like you're the right kind of – you're not too drunk. You're not – you're just kind of like, oh, I'm having a good time. Yeah. Yeah. too drunk you're not you're just kind of like oh i'm having a good time yeah yeah and it's not i think also it comes with a it's a contextual feeling that comes with a certain amount of not having felt that way in a while or a certain amount of not having uh been grateful in a minute for all the things that you're you are like big picture grateful for there's just like it's it's contextual in a way that like it can't be every day. There's no way for it to be every day.

It's a special day. Like the, when we lived in Boyle Heights and we were allowed to start seeing people a little bit more again and we would have people in our yard.

Like I think the first or second time we did that, it was just like, oh, this is really special. Yeah. Because we had just moved to LA in the pandemic. It was like,

oh, we already have these. Why did we do that? That was so weird. That was random. We moved to LA in the pandemic. It was like, oh, we already have these. Why did we do that? That was so weird. That was random. We moved to LA in June of 2020. Random sauce. June 2020, perfect time to move across the country, babe. But we were like, oh, we, like, there was like,

I remember thinking like, oh, it's cool that we already have this community. Yeah. Because we had enough people to have a group of people in the yard, even though we were locked in our house for the entire time we moved, lived here. And like, we could all have fun for the first time in a long time. And it was like, we were listening to good music. We were like, there was people that we didn't know that well there and people that we like knew in Chicago, but not well.

Or people we did definitely know well in Chicago. Like that whole mix was just very like oh wow yeah fun and exciting oh wow oh wow wow wow wow so the the feeling i want the aliens to have is uh similar to well this is a similar feeling but not the same thing i don't think but there's also a feeling that i really love that i've been thinking about a lot lately in terms of like an experience of – this is a little – this is not as fun and sweet. This is a little – when you have felt bad for a then you randomly feel good and you remember that you're capable of feeling good and that things aren't always bad you know what i mean like when you're in like like when i was super depressed in college and i would have like a randomly good day

and be like oh yeah i can actually i can i can i can be happy yeah yeah that because sometimes when you're feeling bad it really feels like it's forever so the reminder that it's not that feeling is like very um hopeful and you can't i don't think you can manufacture it i think it has to like really be it has to like come to you yeah i don't think any of these like these like sort of like sentimental moments can really never be terribly manufactured whenever someone tries to manufacture it's like oh it's no longer fun right oh i'm being i'm being cast in a play. I don't like this. It feels like not real life to me. I'm having a nice time doing theater. Yeah.

Yeah, I want the aliens to know also my view of the world, which is it is 100% about community. The whole point of life is about the people around you, the people you love, the people that love you, spending time with each other, doing things with people around you, the people you love, the people that love you, spending time with each other, doing things with people that you love and are happy around, that is the point of our life on Earth, I think. And I want aliens to know that

because I don't know what they're doing. Some people think aliens are literally machines, so maybe they wouldn't even understand this. I don't know. I hope you guys aren't machines. I hope you guys have hearts and souls. Please. The other day I was at a Swimpley.

Love. Love Swimpley. Swimpley. Free clout for the girly. Free clout for the girlies. The Uber of pools. Although, guys, don't book them up. I want to get in that pool.

Okay. There are a limited number of pools, so you guys don't book them up for real. But the one I was at was at like this huge, huge in the hills like villa. Like had- When we went to? Different. Where you scratched your car?

Different? Okay. Different. Different actually. Different than the one I scratched my car at. Sorry. But I was like, oh, I want 10 of my closest friends

to live in this villa together. Yes. It's big enough where it won't feel like you have a bunch of roommates. You got gorgeous view, gorgeous amenities. Yeah. It's like living at a resort with your friends. Yeah. I often fantasize about buying in L.A.

In L.A. there's a lot of properties that have a front house and a back house, and it's permitted that way. So you can have, like, a front house with four bedrooms, a back house with two or three bedrooms. And I often fantasize about buying one of these and just telling all my friends, come live. Come live here. Would you charge rent? Well, I would have to.

I'm not a millionaire. I'm just checking in because I was like, I would do... But it would be, we're paying, you know, it would be kind of a co-op situation where yes, the bills have to get paid, but ultimately we're not paying some random, we're paying, you know, it would be kind of a co-op situation where, yes, the bills have to get paid, but ultimately we're not paying some random person we don't know. We put it in a little bucket. Put it in a little bucket, and then I take it to the bank.

That's how I pay my rent. This is for the mortgage. I go to my landlord's house with a little bucket full of cash. That's practically how we paid our rent last time we lived together. We had to drive to fucking Alhambra. Never been to Alhambra. Great, great Sishwan food. Miss you, King. That's to my old landlord. That's to my old landlord, who we love. Never been to Alhambra. Great Sishmon food. Miss you, King. That's to my old landlord.

That's to my old landlord, who we love. We talked about it on Here Enough. Our old landlord would literally never speak to me. Yeah, if Shelby and I, if he needed to talk to us, he would talk to me

as the man of the house. And if I emailed him, he would respond back to Caleb. Shelby would send an email like, hey, we need this. And mind you, Caleb paid me rent and I paid from my checkbook on my –

Blapa's name. But I paid him. So it wasn't even like Caleb's name was on all the checks. It was like – But I'm the man. Only my name on the checks ever. You have to understand though that you're a woman and I'm a man. And –

And men, we have a special connection. He would literally – if Shelby would email him he would start a different email to me to respond to that email heard from Shelby on this just wanted to check in with you I was like

checking in with my dad yeah our maintenance also the maintenance man that he hired would come over and be like where's your girlfriend

to me and I'd be like well I don't have time to get into this so she's at the store my girlfriend's at the store you have to come out to the store yeah I'm like ultimately my girlfriend's at the store. You have to come out to the fucking... Yeah, I'm like, ultimately, my girlfriend's at the store.

You come out to him, you go, oh, my God, I can't believe I haven't told you yet. Oh, I would love to talk to a much older man who works in construction and has a hammer in his hands about my sexuality and my home alone. No, he was fostering cats. Just kidding, my girlfriend's at the store. He does have an Instagram for his cat, which was extremely queer of him. He was straight I'm certain but

oh my god yeah his Instagram presence was gay a man that could not be straighter well a straight man with a gay Instagram presence is pretty much the entire thing right now

that's how things are going let's go let's go dude we have to go to a break for probably one million ads yeah

they love to pay us for ads yeah so we're going to break now ciao Bella ciao Bella We have to go to a break for probably one million ads. Yeah, they love to pay us for ads. Yeah, so we're going to break now. Ciao, Bella. Ciao, Bella. Welcome back. Bark. Oh, why not? We don't have a guest.

You know what? Welcome, Bark. You know what? Bring it back. Bring it, Bark. Should I try? Yeah. What kind of dog?

And what's their emotion? They're a big and scary dog charged with protecting the property. And they are shy. Oh, God. I gave you an impossible task. He sounded sick. I think that was perfect. Do it again.

Thank you. Same thing? Uh-huh. I want to see if I got it wrong. No, that was perfect. Do it again. Thank you. Same thing. I want to see if I got it wrong. No, that's bad. I was right. That's not. He's also charged with protecting the property. Yeah, but he's really shy.

I didn't say really. Yeah, actually. Because that was all in the eyes. Which is. The quiver. The quiver. The quiver. If you're casting a human to play a dog, go ahead and get this queer Jewish girl on the roster. Think about how far we've come on the podcast.

First episode, we couldn't really talk about your sexuality. That's true. First episode, I was in le class. Now you're out playing a dog on the pod. That's so beautiful. You're queer, furry. I also was out by the time the first episode released. I was not out when we recorded it because it was so long before we released it.

The recording process was a little strange for that, yeah. When was that? How long have we been doing the pod? I mean, 75 episodes, but ultimately. June 2020. It was before Holmes moved to LA, but we were in North Hollywood. So two years.

Two years we've been doing the podcast. Wow. It'll be 75 episodes. Wow. This will be 74. 74. I'm supposed to go on a date tonight I match with this guy name him

well I don't want to name him and I also can't give you all the good he's exactly what I'm looking for in many ways but I can't say how because then it would be very obvious it would be obvious to him that I'm talking about him but I'm supposed to go on a date with him tonight if he thinks it's you, you're so vain vain you're so you probably think this part is about you don't you don't you you walked in but anyway everything's going well right it's going i'm underscoring

conversations cute going well we both we both agree we want to go on a date soon. I'm like, there has to be a catch. He's really cute. Everything's going well. I'm like, there's a catch. I know there's a catch. Well, I Googled him and it turns out he has a quirky YouTube presence. And so, and I've seen too much. Like I watched three of the videos. It was quirky beyond belief. And now I don't want to go on the date and I want to cancel it. And I never want to talk to him again because it's really quirky. And I just knew there was a catch and I don't want to go on the date and I want to cancel it and I never want to talk to him again because it's really quirky and I just knew there was a catch and I shouldn't have looked because if I didn't Google him

I may have never known that he was being random on YouTube. You were going to know. But now I know and I don't, like I still want to fuck him because he's cute but I'm like,

You were going to know at some point. You're being, like he's being irreverent on YouTube. You would have had at least like a couple fun nights before you met him. And it's not in a fun way.

He literally did like a day in the life and his life is not interesting. Like I can't believe. It's just like if you're a YouTube vlogger. I can't believe I have to go to dinner with him and probably hook up with him. I can't believe I have to sleep with this guy tonight. I like want to cancel, but also. Fuck, you're going to be in a vlog. He comes to dinner and vlogs me.

And you sleep over, which I know is not something you want to do, but you sleep over. And in the morning, he goes, hey, I'm just gonna quickly do my vlog. You're welcome to say hi or whatever. And he goes, LA is such a dark place to date.

What's up, YouTube? Remember, smash that subscribe button. Hit the bell for notifications. I'm gonna start my morning. I've got a friend here with me. Caleb, say hi. I'm not even performing. It's actually making me so sick to think about.

He goes, I've got a friend here. No, stop. Because you're not even that far off on the tone. You're not even that far off on the tone. We're going to make a quick little breakfast and then probably go walk to a little coffee and then maybe have a little bit of a day. I don't know what your plans are, but we'll check in in a couple minutes just to tell you what's up.

But good morning, and I hope you're having a nice one. So here's the deal. I love LA. I love living here so much, genuinely. It's become my favorite place. I didn't know if I'd like it. I'm obsessed with it. Dating in LA is one of the darkest, most random endeavors I've ever gone on.

It is horrendous. You just never know when someone's literally going to have a YouTube page. And they're going to be on there being random. And that's this guy. And you're right. The tone is just like that. And he's doing all this for like 100 views. I love that.

God. Speaking of the swim play i was at the other day swim play um swim play um there was a guy so the house that the swim play was at also has like a airbnb situation going on of course and a guy that was staying there like came up while up while we were at the pool, and he was like, hey, I'm staying at the Airbnb. Are you guys having, like, a private thing? And we were like, yeah. To the extent that you can't join us, yeah. And he was like, oh, cool, like, would I be able to join?

And we were like, uh. And then it was so awkward to say anything that he just did. And then not only was this guy at the pool, which if he was like sort of binding his own hood, I'd be like, sure. And he was perfectly sweet, by the way. Was he cute? No.

What was the hesitation? Like he might have been? Like he wasn't like never, but I wouldn't have been like, oh, you know. Interesting. Was no our waiter from yesterday. Interesting. Oh my God. He Was no our waiter from yesterday. Interesting. Oh, my God.

He was no our waiter from yesterday. Our waiter from yesterday was so hot that he gave us probably the worst service I've had in months. And I tipped him 30%. He was fine. I spilled my Sprite when he walked up to the table. And I felt like I was going to pass away. He was like the definition of fine. It was crazy.

I hope he's well. He needs to get a different job. I hope he's well. He's bad at serving. He should do another career. He probably has another career. He needs was crazy. I hope he's well. He needs to get a different job. I hope he's well. He's bad at serving. He should do another career. He probably has another career. He needs another career. I hope acting works out.

He probably has another one. And that's just a side gig for now. I hope acting modeling takes off because he can't wait tables to save his life. But this guy was at the pool with us. And genuinely, like if you started a conversation with someone, it was 30 seconds before he swang up and joined. I could be like truly confiding in someone about the darkest moment of my life. And he would be like, what's going on over here?

Hey, what are you guys talking about? And it was like, what is going on? And I didn't book it, but I guess the person that did wrote like in the review basically being like, had a blast, five stars, whatever. Also like just a weird thing that happened and that was unfortunate because we paid for x amount of people and this guy came for free and he was like oh he's been here for six weeks and he's done that to all of my swim please well then do something i was like tell him to stop do something just cut it out i want to know how cute he was because it would really change things for me.

I don't think you would have been into him. Well, you do know. You do know what I'm into. Well, I'm going to say the next thing on my record. Is it? This is... I'm torn between two. Do you think people are going to think I'm a bitch for not wanting that guy to swim with me?

No. I think they're going to think I'm a bitch for not wanting that guy to swim with me? No. I think they're going to be on your side. If anything, I think they're going to think I'm weird for thinking that there's a cuteness litmus test that he could have passed to be able to swim with us. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. This is the next thing I'm going to do. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Thank you. This is the best all-around album ever released by a human being.

Now, notice earlier I said the Chicks are the best band. Lauryn Hill is the best solo artist. She was great in the Fugees, and I love the Fugees. But really, I mean, Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, slow jams, club bangers, truly artistic meditation on motherhood, religion, love. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, i'm glad she hasn't put out another album because i'm dead ass serious when you put out something this perfect you should quit

you sound like the people who are like pleading with rihanna i'm glad she's not making i'm actually happy i want more makeup palettes i'm glad she's not making more music keep doing underwear bitch keep doing the laundry keep making a laundry for us no rihanna

if you want to make more music you should Rihanna I would like to see more from you're pretty good at it well Rihanna's made incredible music she hasn't made the perfect album right

and Lauren Hill you did it very few people have made perfect albums you know who else made a perfect album and people are scared to talk about it

Jason Derulo's debut album Jason Derulo you gotta go back and listen to it hold on pause right there Jason Derulo. You gotta go back and listen to it. Hold on. Pause right there. Jason Derulo. Wait, hold on. Stop. Hold the presses.

Jason Derulo. Yeah, well, his freshman album is, top to bottom, a very solid album. People don't want to talk about it because now he's goofy on TikTok. Because his TikTok presence is weird. Yeah, well, people being random on the internet has ruined so much for us and Jason Derulo is one of the casual teams. Yeah, but Jason Derulo is hanging out with

teens on TikTok, and I'm kind of like, get away from them. That's random and goofy. Yeah, that's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. He has Casey Musgraves, Golden Hour. Casey Musgraves did something with Golden Hour. This is an incredible album. Now, the follow-up album, we don't need to talk about it, but

Golden Hour was, you did it, girl. And who knows? Golden Hour, no skips., you did it, girl. And who knows? Golden Hour no skips. Golden Hour no skips. And by the way, if she had done the Lauryn Hill treatment of putting out a perfect album and then quitting, maybe we wouldn't have gotten Breadwinner. And I wouldn't have been mad about not getting that album. I'll say that.

But what about her next one might be better? It might be, but we'll never know until it does. And with Lauryn, we don't have to guess. Lauren gave us the perfect album and then peaced. I think Kacey Musgraves was hurt by the pressure of having had a perfect album. And I think Lauren might have been. And Lauren was like, well, then why even engage? And Kacey was like, I got to power through.

Yeah. And I think what we're learning is that maybe either don't power through or take a beat. Take a beat. Definitely take a beat don't power through or take a beat. Take a beat. Definitely take a beat. I would say definitely take a beat because we've seen what happens when you don't. And it just isn't doing what it needs to do. But yeah. It's like how the Backstreet Boys should have stopped after Black and Blue.

Is that true? I don't know anything about their discography. I don't know. Black and Blue has the best song ever made, The Call. Oh, God. You and this song. It's so good. I can't.

You have no idea what this. Shelby's relationship with this song. Hello, hello, hello. Has brought me such joy. Let me tell you about the story. It changed my destiny. Me and my boys went out just out of misery. Okay.

That's funny. She watched London in front of me. Got a little place nearby. That's funny,'s funny Thank you Okay In front of me I said Got a little place nearby That's funny Shelby Thank you Should've said no Shelby

That's funny Thank you Someone's waiting for me I said Baby I'm sorry Shelby Thank you That's enough

Just wanna tell you Don't worry It's my. I shall be thanking you. That's enough. Just want to tell you, don't worry. It's my record. I will be. Don't stay up and wait for me. Say it again. Say it again. My battery is low. Just so you know, I'm going to a place nearby.

Gotta go. Douche, douche. You're saying douche? I'm not doing a drum. Douche. Douche, douche. You're saying douche? I'm not doing a drum. Douche, douche, douche. What if? They were like, first you gotta douche. Douche, douche. I'm willing to have the conversation.

Okay. Are you ready for the next thing on my record? Yes. Beg me for it. No, don't. Okay, the next thing on my record is... Please. Every performance John Goodman has ever given us. Thank you.

John Goodman not only went to the same college as me. John, please. Let's stop there for a second. Moment of silence. Let's sit with that. John, if you're out there and you're listening to this, and I know that you are, please call me.

I want to do something with you. I will literally sweep the floors on your next production. Please. I love you. I think you're a genius. I want to work with you. I went to the same school as you even, and I'm also, I'm like you, dude.

John Goodman, if you want me to be on your next project, you better come with the right offer. I'm playing hard to get with John Goodman. No, it's really smart. Good job, good job, good job, good job. I think business-wise, you went one route and we'll see what works with him. And then if it's your thing, then I'll pivot. Well, I love him in every performance he's ever done.

He's iconic. Have you seen him in Community, the show? Yes. That is one of the funniest roles. Everything he steps into gets better because he's there. It's crazy. That's what I want people to say about me. They do.

Not even about performance, just in general. Oh, just that you're fun to be around, or? Yeah, like every time I step in the room, it's better. Yeah, I mean, this is about John Goodman, but people do like you. People like you. I mean, I've been around, I've heard people talk about you. They like you. Y'all heard it here first folks

um somebody come get her the other day I was in therapy so with that and I so with that I can't get through

daily life without someone talking to me about how to do it so with that so with that right after my dad died my therapist went on maternity. So with that. So with that, right after my dad died, my therapist went on maternity leave.

So with that. Your therapist went on maternity leave after your dad died and while you had COVID was truly. Yeah. Yeah. Hands up.

Icons only. Let's go. Therapist absolutely ghosting out on the worst moment of my life. Let's rock, ladies. I am at my dad's funeral with COVID and I cannot contact my therapist by law. Because she's having a baby, which I respect, but whatever. In this political climate. I was in therapy with my new therapist, who doesn't know me very well.

And because she can't and I was holding my coffee. I go in now, which is crazy. You go in person? Yeah. Whoa. We wear masks, which I'm kind of like, when will we get to stop? No, I'm kidding. Do whatever you need to do.

I'm fine with wearing masks, but I'm like in therapy. It's like, then let's just get on the internet. Right. Anyway. I just had it. So I'm with masks right now. I'm like, wow.? It's like, then let's just get on the internet. Right. Anyway. I just had it, so I'm with masks right now. I'm like, meh. And famously, I did too at my dad's funeral.

But I got a little water from the condensation of the glass on my hand, and it was dripping really perfectly down my hand. Yeah. And I didn't realize I did this until she kind of gave me a look of concern, but I stared at it dripping down. And she was like like are you okay and i was like oh um i have adhd it's like i just got distracted that's not adhd that's like serial killer shit no that's adhd i got distracted by something which is very normal with adhd that's crazy if you did that in front of me, I would run. That's scary. Well, start running.

Okay. Nice sprint. Do you want to, my mom roasted me when I had COVID because I called her and I was stressed out because I was trapped

in my hotel room with COVID in New York. And I was like, I'm stuck in this room. It's like a prison. It's a five-star hotel. And she was like, you're fine.

Stop. Like I was truly having a panic attack. Kelly. She was like, you're fine. Stop. I was truly having a panic attack. Kelly. She was like, you're in a nice hotel with a bodyguard. Kelly's on my record. Kelly's on, she'll be on everyone's record. Kelly's on the pod. Kelly's it. Kelly's it. If I had my way, Kelly would come on the pod and be a host with me.

My mom, I took some work colleagues to dinner with her recently. It's the only way I know how to say it. People you work with, coworkers, that seems weird. Collaborators. Collaborators to dinner with my mom, and I had her tell the story of how she's banned from a bar in my hometown because she smashed a beer bottle over a guy's head, and it was a hit. Literally.

She's an icon. It was a literal hit. She's literally a bad girl. It was a hit with the bottle. Well, John Goodman. John Goodman does things right. He does. He seems really nice too.

I hope that's true. Every once in a while I read a rumor that he's dead and it makes me want to pass away myself. The day that John Goodman dies, you will need to check in on me. It will be the similar, it will be, it will be very similar to the day that

Philip Seymour Hoffman died and I was not well. I have a terrible emotional connection to Philip Seymour Hoffman. I really did. I don't, I can't place what it's about.

I really, I just, I loved him so much. I think what's unfortunate about him, to call this the thing that's unfortunate about his passing

is insane. But, is that I always about his passing is insane but is that I always associate his passing with Hunger Games because it was the thing that

released after he died and I'm always like Phillips you are the guy from Hunger Games and it's like that is

sucks massive career that is sucks yeah yeah I love him I love everything he ever did

he also could go on the record in a way about the Hunger Games thing yeah in regards to the Hunger Games thing I only have I love him. I love everything he ever did. He also could go on the record in a way. About the Hunger Games thing. Yeah. In regards to the Hunger Games thing. I only have one more thing to put on my record.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah. I am putting on the 2006 film The Breakup starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Now, I'm doing this not only because it's set in Chicago, which I think the aliens need to know about. Chicago is a perfect city. Wouldn't change a thing. Kidding. There are things to change politically.

But it is a beautiful place. It's funny. There's some really funny scenes in there. It's a really delightful thing to watch. You can rewatch it a million times. It never gets old. But even more importantly, it speaks to a deeply human phenomenon that we still don't understand fully, which is that an ugly guy can be with a very hot girl if he's funny enough. And this is something that only exists in the straight community.

Gay people don't get down like this. You have to really, really work hard if you want to be. Gay men. Lesbians get down like that. Do they? Funny, specifically? I'm thinking like good at writing letters or building shelves. I'm sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Funny, funny specifically. Caleb just attacked me. Funny specifically. Caleb just attacked me specifically. You're in the same hotness relationship,

so we can't speak about you in this regard. Now, if you want to speak about other people, you're welcome to. No, I think like, Gay men do not get down like this. I'm happy making that decision.

I think lesbians are like more often, not all, and there's like a community of lesbians who are very not this way. But I think overall the community is like, personality is like the thing. Yeah, God, I need to be a lesbian. Gay men can't know true liberation until we get the straight woman disease of being attracted to personality.

All lesbians are demisexual. I've said this. Demisexual? Which one is that? That's the one where you can't be sexually attracted until you are emotionally attracted. Oh, God, now I heard everything. No, I'm kidding.

That seems valid. It's just a new phrase for me. Yeah, gay men don't have this. And I think it's a deeply, deeply confusing thing that happens mostly for straight men and women. Because also I will say this. A lot of lesbians, even if funny, have other redeeming qualities. A lot of straight men who get hot girls are only funny and then have nothing else going on. True.

Vince Vaughn, I know a lot of straight women that are into him. This argument always comes up. Is Vince Vaughn ugly? Folks, he is. I'm not attracted to him. I just watched Dodgeball over again, which by the way, does it hold up? How not?

There's just some stuff. Does the premise hold up? Sure. Sure. Is there a lot of fat phobia going on? That's funny. 100%. That's funny. Is there one trans joke that I don't think should exist?

Yes. I would cut the trans joke. There's just some stuff. Yeah. I would leave the fat phobia stuff because it's funny. Sorry. Sorry. No, I would cut it. I don't know. Ben Stiller in the fat suitobia stuff because it's funny sorry sorry no I would cut it

I don't know Ben Stiller in the fat suit at the end could get cut Ben Stiller in the fat suit fat suits don't always bother me the way that they do some fat people

that that one where he's like covered in filth well that's like fat it's like they took the one from fat bastard

yeah that and the way that they're portraying him is like sitting in this like gross armchair and like binging. That is actually fucking disgusting and like weird that they did that. I just talked about this movie with someone.

But that ending, it's like we already saw him get his and we were happy with it. We were satisfied with that. Yeah. And then the movie was like, no, we have to really let him have it. Now he's also fat. Right. Because it's the biggest insult it's like if he was still beautiful and had nothing that wouldn't be enough he needs to have nothing and also be like

undesirable which the best way to be undesirable is to be fat I can't even actually I can't even actually in an earnest way get into fat phobia right now because it's so I was talking about it last night with some of our friends. It's insane.

People really hate fat people. It's crazy. Yeah. Crazy in a cool way, girl. I love it. Cookie crazy. Awesome stuff. When I see a fat person, I hate them. There was like one shot of Vince Vaughn that I was like, oh, okay.

In dodgeball. Yeah. Was he in the uniform? Because that could have just been a uniform kick. No. I actually think he looked terrible in the uniform? Because that could have just been a uniform. No, I actually think he looked terrible in the uniform. But there was a moment in Average Joe's Gym where he's like walking and he's like saying hi to everyone being kind of like. Interior Average Joe's Gym day. Yeah, I-N-T period.

Average Joe's Gym day. Screenwriter, screenwriter, screenwriter. Hire. Hire them. Please, for the love of God. Them. Hire them. Her.

Or whatever. Hey. But there's like one shot where I particularly remember watching it and going, oh. And then I was like, oh, it's gone.

It was like for a second I was like, I get it. I don't get it anymore. It's like one of those times where you have full mental clarity for a second and then it completely goes away. But for a second I was like, I get it. I don't get it anymore. It's like one of those times where you have full mental clarity for a second and then it completely goes away. But for a second I was like, oh. His lips, his nose, something was happening and then it went away. And I said, no, he's not good looking.

I wouldn't fuck him. But for a second I would. Which is scary because it's like if he caught me at the right second, I might fuck him. But then if he caught me at the wrong second, I'd be like, absolutely not. Yeah, so he's ugly. I'm sorry if that's like the way you would describe an ugly person textbook. To be like, oh, there was

a second in the right lighting 10, 12 years ago in the perfect moment for only an instant where it's like, yeah, that's an ugly person. Kill Mary. There's no fuck in this jason siegel vince vaughn um i'm gonna marry jason siegel and kill vince vaughn okay yeah i they're to me two comparable people where the same people are attracted to both of them the same people aren't attracted to either yeah so yeah well hey um this was my record we'll say more about The Breakup.

I think you had more to say about it. Oh, no. I just really think it's a funny, good movie, and I think it never gets old. Oh. That's all there is to say. It's iconic. They should be seeing more rom-coms, too. Also, here's the thing.

I would want them to have a precedent of, like, five other rom-coms, because that one played with me a little bit more. The Breakup. Like, I wasn't as sure of the ending as I have been on other rom-coms. Oh, yeah, and I little bit more. The breakup. Like I wasn't as sure of the ending as I have been on other rom-coms. Oh yeah, and I also don't agree with the ending. Well, me either. I want them to get back together. Me too.

Yeah. Spoiler alert, they don't. But if aliens were to see like five standard classic rom-coms before that one, they would then get the shock of being like, wait, they broke the formula. I'm going to add one extra thing to my records.

I woke up this morning and the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was this needs to be on your record. Don't know why. Don't really ever listen to this song, but here it is. it's not trash in the camp but it has the vibe this would be a good phone alarm the best things in life are free but you can give them to the birds and bees i want money in life are free. But you can give them to the birds and bees. I want money.

That's what I want. That's what I want. That's what I want. So to me, I think the reason this came to my mind is because, I mean, obviously, what are we all doing on Earth?

There is no point of human life, I don't think. But to the extent that there is, it's to get money. That's what I want. That's what I want. Everyone wants money. What I want. Yeah.

Wait. Do a mashup. Do a mashup. Do a mashup. Yeah, yeah. I told Katie yesterday that I was almost going to send her a voice note of me doing that. Because it keeps in my head. Yeah.

Great song. Do a mashup though with those two. Maybe I will but I can't do it right now. Caleb! Maybe I will I can't do it right now

but maybe I will. I'm freaking out. Hey, do you have any questions for me about my record or about anything else? This is my record. This is our second to last episode. Has this podcast made you believe in aliens any more or less?

Yeah. Which one? I'll never tell. No, it has made me believe in aliens more. Wow. I think I'm more likely me believe in aliens more. Wow. I think I'm more likely to believe in them. Because if they're not there, really, what did we do this for? What was this for?

Humans? Please. Would you put the experience of making this podcast with me on your record? Yeah. Liar. I would put the experience of doing anything with you on my record. I could sit in a room just the two of us. Listeners are sobbing.

I could sit in the room just the two of us just talking and I wouldbing. I could sit in the room just the two of us just talking, and I would put that on my record. As we go on. They're sobbing. Do you know what's really funny? My senior year of high school. Go ahead. My senior year of high school,

every time me and my friends hung out, I would play a different sad song about time passing, and everyone hated it. As our lives change. Especially the girls. I'd put on like, you know, like, what's that one that's like, Another turning point before checking the girls. I put on like, you know, like, what's that one that's like... Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. Play that all the time. I've told you about cry circles, right? Yes, you've told me about cry circles.

And that's all you get. And that's all you get. Keep lapping up these episodes. You got this one and another one. I want to leave one thing more for the aliens. I want to say one more thing to them. Okay? Aliens. This is is on my record i put this thing on my record put me saying this this is like jimmy carter talking yeah but this is mine aliens i don't know what humanity was for i don't know why it exists i think maybe there's a god but if there is, then they were in charge of you guys too.

And that's hard to comprehend. There is no point of human life, probably, because if there is a God, they're not the kind from the books where they care about what we do. But if there is a point to human life, we get to decide what it is. And I think that it's being in love with your friends and family and anyone that you else want to bring into that. And we will do the same to you if you come to earth in any way that you want. And if there is a God, they are responsible for you. And if they don't send you here, then I understand why they wouldn't want to. Amen. Amen. This episode was brought to you by good vibes and saying goodbye. This episode was brought to you

by the concept of this podcast ending soon. This episode was brought to you by... Oh. That was me being sad. God. What's up? You're an incredible actress. Oh my God.

Somebody cast them. I don't know why I said it by accident earlier, but now it's kind of funny to me. Something unpredictable at the end of the day. At the end it's right. In the end it's right. Cut the cameras. Cut the cameras now.

That was a Hiddem original.