Keeping Records - Time Starts Now (with Michael Cruz Kayne)

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

It's a no-holds-barred episode. Weddings, canceling plans, CHANGING plans, appetizers, monkey bread, they're all on the chopping block, and you can be sure the podcast premise is gonna take a LONG time to get to.  Thankfully, comedian, actor, and writer Michael Cruz Kayne (The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Late Night with Seth Meyers) is here to move the show along and advocate for his Golden Record. He's got basketball players that don't look like basketball players, musicals and overzealous singers, crispy red meat, and a man reaching into his underwear to make him feel like he's never felt (in a non-sexual way, it's a massage thing).  Michael's Artifacts Personalities, represented by the human actor Richard Schiff (human specimen) Nikola Jokić (human specimen) People who sing the harmony on happy birthday and really go for it (human behavior) The burnt bits of a steak (food) Every musical (audio-visual) Physical therapy (human behavior) Follow Michael on Twitter and Instagram, and listen to his new podcast A Good Cry, premiering September 30th! -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamualaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Shelby. Caleb.

Oh, you're flirting with me. Yeah, I saw that really cute picture of you that you reposted to your story today. And now I'm interested. You did tell me that I looked cute on Instagram today, which you never do. You never really compliment me. You never really told you. I once told you that you had a nose that people get plastic surgery to have that was months ago but it was one of the nicest things i could have said yeah because i never thought

about it that way but now every time i look in the mirror i look at my nose and i go it is pretty perfect huh huh also pretty it's pretty tough when you start getting compliments on your nose it's not i you don't you know what i mean that's not happening to hot people that's not happening to hot people but you said maybe one day i would get a nose job and i said really you have the nose people so it's at that point the hottest person in the world being like i think i might get a nose job the compliment would have to be about the nose if someone were to say i'm thinking about getting a nose job and instead they were like but you have such beautiful cheekbones yikes you know yeah well i don't

know what i don't i can't recognize Well, I don't know what I don't. I can't recognize plastic surgery. I don't know anything about like when someone's like, oh my God, obvious facelift on that person. I'm like, really? I don't know. They look good to me. I didn't.

I don't know. I don't know how to recognize face. Shelby, how are you, girl? Oh, boy. I told you. I told you. I went to a wedding last weekend and I told them I was going to mention it on the podcast and I forgot to. And so here I am bringing it up.

Okay. I went to a wedding. It was in the Finger Lakes region. Have you ever been to the Finger Lakes? No, sounds fake. Anytime I've mentioned the Finger Lakes since going, nobody has ever heard of it. No, sounds made up. Cartoonish even.

And I feel afraid that I dream ever heard of it no sounds made up cartoonish even and i feel afraid that i dreamt all of it no it's real babe if you say it's real i believe you i thought you were in ohio the whole time so when you said finger legs i was like not ohio okay got it could have been who knows who the finger legs are more of a place did you have something to say about the wedding or i just wanted to mention it because i forgot last time and i told that was it i was this whole time waiting for you to say something important about the wedding you were just something to say about the wedding or? I just wanted to mention it because I forgot last time. And I told them about it. Oh, that was it? I was this whole time waiting for you to say something important about the wedding. You were just needed to say that you went to it. Yeah, I had a blast.

I think it was beautiful. Oh, you like weddings. Not always, actually. It has to be a really good one. This one specifically was a wedding that like everyone seemed to really like the two people getting married. And so it was fun. But I feel like there's a lot of weddings where like people don't really like everyone

get or are kind of like we're here because we're like we've known them for too long. Or what's I think this is this is a very rife subject. Let's bring our let's bring our guest in and get into this all this wedding business. Our guest today is frankly Emmy nominated. Let's have that conversation. let's have that conversation let's have that conversation first and while we're having that conversation peabody award winning he's a writer and a comedian he's a staff writer for the late show with stephen colbert host of the upcoming podcast a good cry launching on september 30th you guys please put your paws and fins together for our dear friend michael cruz michael do you like weddings i do i do like weddings fuck fuck sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

to say yeah caleb i do you know what i do you know what i mean about there's weddings where everyone likes the people enough they're there because they like them not because they feel like they have to be there and that's a fun wedding yeah of course yes absolutely but then there's the other kind of way michael you can be on you can be honest dude if you if you if you heard shall we say that and you were kind of with me and you're like i don't know what she's talking about you can pick another there is another kind of wedding no i know the kind of what you're talking about the kind you're talking the other kind of wedding. No, I know the kind of wedding you're talking about. The other kind of wedding is the kind where like the bridesmaids are people who have met the bride twice. And you're like, this wedding is going to be a catastrophe.

Exactly. And nobody's really having a good time. I was not trying to. I want to believe your experience, Shelby, that those weddings exist. I didn't know what you're talking about. I'm trying to believe women, but I'm really trying really hard, but it didn't really click for me

the kind of wedding you're talking about until Michael said that thing about the bridesmaids. Well, Michael's a lot smarter than me. He's a PBOD award-winning writer. Unfortunately, it did take... I have won a PBOD, if we're being honest. A PBOD. That's what it's called now,

and it is what I want. It took a man it took a man explaining it for me to believe shelby i will say in this instance i do want to add that i have officiated a few weddings and when i come when i bring the full force of my artistic self to your wedding it really doesn't matter what the makeup of what i would call the audience is i'm gonna make it a good people are gonna be they're gonna leave enriched like they're not just like i had a good time costumes people are wearing it doesn't matter who's backstage that's exactly right okay

it doesn't matter what the concessions are people are going to have a good time i hate weddings i think i've gone on record on the pod every Every you have. He does not like every wedding. Do not expect me to come. Now you have to invite me and you actually have to beg me to come, but you have to put them in it. He wants to be asked to be in it. I have to ask to be in it, but I reserve the right to not come and I get to make that decision on the

day of. And here's why they are expensive. They're usually far away. Yeah, that's why you shouldn't be doing it day of babe well that's the thing i get to decide maybe like week of you know i get to say i get for months i can be like oh my god so excited for this can't wait to celebrate you guys and then the week of i have the right to go i don't want to come to kentucky this is caleb's energy about everything though yeah it's not wedding specific. This is about everything. Do you get excited

before it's happening and then when it's about to happen you're like, oh wait, this sounds bad. Michael, this is how I feel about everything. I get so excited about theoretically making plans. I'm like, oh yeah, dinner two weeks from now? Sounds amazing. I think that's a stunning evening. But the day of, I

have the right, always, without question, I have the right to go, I'm not going to do that. Now, if someone did that to you, weigh in. To me? No, to Caleb. Now, he won't allow it to happen to him. But now, Michael, to you. I have a close friend whose wedding I'm going to this,

not this weekend, the following weekend. And he was the guy who taught me that like canceling plans is chill. And if you can just like let go of, like when someone's just like, I actually don't want to. And if you can just receive that, the reciprocity that you will at some later date be able to totally guilt-free be like,

oh, I know we planned a thing and you've already ordered food and I'm not coming. There's no greater sense of liberation than I'm canceling plans and everybody's going to be cool with it. But you find that love inside yourself first. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I can't wait to get there. You have to accept that. I can't wait to get there. Caleb hasn't found that love within himself but he has found that love within others and i have found love within neither nobody can cancel plans with me i can't cancel plans with anyone i have that's almost one of my only codes my only personal code is that i'm not allowed to cancel play it's not an option for old wolstein yeah famously you're like crime is fine but i would rather you steal from me than cancel my because i was planning on it and usually looking

forward to it you know what i would rather i would rather be canceled on every day of the of the freaking year wow then for then for this to happen this is a work this is a worse this is a worse thing than cancellation listeners take out your notebooks out your notebooks. Put your paws up. I'm about to say something important. Paws up, little freaks. Worse than canceling is when you have plans with somebody and they text you right before the plan and say, hey, just so you know, X, Y, and Z are also going to come see you there.

No way. You're going to tell me, especially when it's right before and it's like i'm already in the car something they're like hey just so you know not just so i know i still get to i still get to not come to this you're gonna add people that's her i will never i will not allow that like i think crazy i try to be very forgiving and people switching up the last minute adding people surprise ads isn't is no bueno well it depends how many to me and i understand i think i'm on an island here but it depends to me how many people were originally going to be there and the type of relationship people if you're already four people they're adding two i'm kind

of like more the merrier it's two people now i have to prep for two more that's double the amount of people i had no idea i was prepping for you know what this is kind of like to me oh no you go you go no go ahead michael please oh no i'm so sorry no no i want you no no guys i'll go if you don't go is it okay if i go i don't think you should go i think i should go no hold on i'd like to go if that's okay well i think michael should go if we're being honest we should do like one minute of silence just nobody nobody just uh like yeah just like a lemon wedge in the mouth real quick okay and then um hold on the clock starts now subscriber count just plummeting and mike you'll leave this in yeah it's okay we already

have millions yeah we can we can lose a couple hundred thousand wow you guys have no idea how long a minute is. It must be. We are currently at 20 seconds just now. That's 20 seconds right there. That's crazy. Okay, well then, hush, hush. Can't last. Okay, seriously, Shelby, you go.

What this is telling me is I've never been quiet for a minute in my life. I've never been quiet. Michael, what did you, what you were going to say? I wanted to say what it is akin to, to me, is when people when here's what adding people onto a party or a get together has the same energy as passing the phone around you know when someone gets a call and they pass and they're like oh god and they pass the phone around i'm like oh we're not friends anymore that's toxic behavior everybody's toxic behavior yeah it's the worst i i didn't call keith you called keith you talked to him almost

always as well the addition the addition to the group the like oh so and so's gonna tag along see you there in my experience it's almost always a romantic partner which is of course completely unacceptable you are going to bring you are going to bring your significant other now that was not a part of i mean it'll be, it'll literally be like the person who's adding me and then like one other friend and then someone in the group will be like, hey, by the way, Justin's gonna come. Why the fuck would Justin come?

What are you talking about? No one agreed to that. And they only do that when we all know as a group that Justin is lame. That only happens. We would have requested Justin. If we wanted Justin, he would have been on the first happens. We would have requested Justin. If we wanted Justin, he would have been on the first email.

We already know about Justin. When passing the phone is one of the worst things in the world and nobody does it more than parents. True. Parents love to pass the phone. Parents love to be at a loud event and pass the phone around

and you're like, I can't hear anyone. They're all just being like, good to talk to you. It's so quick. And you would think that because it's so quick and you would think that because it's so quick it's painless somehow that's worse it's like i'd rather just have a conversation the fact that it's like hi yeah i'm good how are you what oh yeah okay i'll

talk to shelly shelly hi good you don't want to be passed either they also don't want to be passed nobody wants to be involved it sucks to be in on it especially if you're like home it's like if you're out you can kind of be like well and like make a face to someone and be like okay this is crazy right but when you're alone you're like i'm also sort of the alternative is that i'm like haunted by myself have you guys ever had have you guys ever had one of these people you you have a, this to me might be the craziest, the craziest I'm going to add people situation of all. You have a reservation at a place and someone says, hey, these guys want to come.

We'll just push some tables together. As if you don't have a numbered reservation. You know what I'm saying? Like you have a group of four, you have a reservation for four, and they try to add someone on the way, and it's like, no, there's not, we can't just rearrange the restaurant. What's going on? No, that's not good. Those are

only people who've never worked in a restaurant. Having worked in a restaurant, you're not allowed to do that. And then they're also like, then the staff is like, ooh, and they're like, I don't understand why we can't. I don't understand. I don't understand why we can't. They cause a problem. Why can't you just rearrange? Why can't you do some kind of like magic geometry and just put the tables on top of the tables?

It'll definitely work. It's always a hostess who doesn't know geometry because she's hot and that's why she got the job. And I've been a hostess. Geometry! She's hot. She doesn't know shapes, you fucking weirdos. Don't be disgusting.

She doesn't have to know math. She's not a geometrist because she's hot. Yeah, I do. There is a level of hot where you don't have to know math she's a smoke show she's hot i do there is a level of hot where you where you don't have to know shapes we're like there's a i don't know who it is but there are definitely people circle square oval who fucking cares it's not happening and they're always looking at the table and someone's always my least favorite is when someone just starts pulling the chair they don't even ask so they're like pulling a chair from another table to just add and tack it on the hostess always kind of catches a look she looks over she goes and then they go we're just we have someone else coming actually

and she's always so flustered about what to do she's like i don't think that's a five top that's a five how are you adding six and then whatever bad thing ends up happening in these situations like you end up getting sat in the worst part of the restaurant or you have to wait 25 extra minutes or you end up going somewhere else, whatever bad thing happens. The person who ruined everything is the rest of the night being like, I think it's actually better that we had to go to a different restaurant. They're like,

I'm actually glad we didn't end up at the four top table that we reserved. Yeah. This, this Chuck E. Cheese is actually really nice. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they ruined it. At the end of the day,

I didn't want a five-star meal. I wanted a McDonald's hamburger. I wanted to go to a counter serve. I'll say I was not in the mood to be waited on tonight. And also, Justin was so fun, wasn't he? No.

Wasn't he? Justin was not fun. He was not fun. One of the best nights for Justin. One of the best nights for Justin. Honestly, and it's also, yeah, I just really, I really can't with the adding to the plans, but we could talk about this all day.

This is, this is the podcast, right? The podcast is, did you guys, but you guys like Justin or do you not? Just to be honest with me. Yeah. This podcast is called who's Justin. Who's Justin? Who's Justin? Everyone, every episode, someone's Justin.

It's a murder mystery. You do not want to be Justin. One of either the biggest flaws or biggest strengths of this podcast i do not know is that we we would if no one stopped like it michael if you never brought up something for your record that would be fine with us like like we we would just shoot the shit with right we would just talk with you about dinner plans for however long this goes on and i would welcome that okay fine i love appetizers and if we were together at dinner right now if we were together at dinner right now i would order something

insane for the table like a philly cheese steak egg roll or something like that okay you go for the table i'll order for the table philly cheese egg roll is which which restaurant is that chili's well i went i went to dinner in burbank last night at a restaurant called uh and mike you'll have to bleep that because of course no free clap for the girlies um and they had we got for the table cheese steak egg rolls and guess what folks they were really good scrumptious scrumptious scrumdiddlyumptious even scrumdiddlyumptious even they were you order are you someone will you actively order for the table without consent?

Will you bring a surprise for the table to the order? I will sometimes at the very end. I'll usually consult about an appetizer, but sometimes when we're ordering after everyone's gone, I'll be like, if I'm planning on paying for it, then I'll be like, and let's throw on X. Wait, if you're planning on paying for the dinner? Yeah.

Caleb likes to pay for a dinner. If I was planning on paying for the dinner, I would never throw on an appetizer. You regularly pay for dinner for everyone. Everyone's out and you're like, it's on me. Yeah. Okay. Amazing. But if I wasn't doing that, I would never throw on another appetizer because then people

would have to split it and that would be kind of insane of me, I think. Something that if you guys ever go to breakfast with me, either of you. Well, first of all, I actually have a question. I have. Go ahead. Yeah. Well, then you might. But next time, pay attention to my face when nobody recommends something sweet for the table.

There's something that really happens to me. I really get sad. It's something I really always want. I always want my own savory meal. I always want an egg dish, but I want something sweet for the table. And when nobody wants that, it's one of the worst things that could happen to me.

At breakfast, you're talking about a pancake with fruit on it or something? Yeah, give me a pancake. Give me a French toast. Give me a waffle. A sticky bun. Give me a muffin. Give me a sticky bun.

I want something sweet that we all share. We all have a little bit of it. I want eggs. Is monkey bread fucked up? Why do we call have a little bit of it i want eggs monkey bread fucked up why do we call it monkey bread did you just make up monkey what is monkey bread i've never had monkey bread i've neither had nor heard of that to me is a improv scene food monkey bread oh and i'll have the monkey bread and now the scene is about that why is it called monkey bread dough what is monkey way that we shape the dough well i got bad news the only thing i'm seeing right now is that

it came from the 1930s and that folks you don't love read no more that's the first thing i've seen and i'm like i'm not read no more i'm not loving it i will say that um that was right after right before we started putting everything in jello molds about three decades before um when did we start doing that it was like if that was a 50s very 56 caleb you're a jello historian am i not yeah yeah yeah so he's not gonna let it just slide on the jello yeah he would never i don't know what the minimum amount of people you're allowed to suggest something sweet for the table i like to think it's only two people. Then you can get something sweet for the table. But it never happens for me that way.

Well, hold on. Michael, you don't know what monkey bread is. Never heard of it. So it's small little balls of dough in a pan with a big cinnamony glaze sweet sauce over it. And then you bake it. And when it bakes, you pull off the little pieces because it was little blobs of dough.

So it's like little pull apart sweet bread pieces. That sounds really good. Are you both from the same place that you would have, like, am I weird or you're weird? Midwest. Midwest. Where are you from? I'm from Connecticut.

So I think it's probably a Midwest. It's like a Midwest thing, probably. Well, it's supposed to get your hands to be kind of gross, and I think that's more of a Midwest deal. Monkey bread gets its name by the method in which it's eaten, picking off chunks of buttery gooey dough with your fingers, not unlike a monkey grooming his buddy. Oh, thank God. Okay. That still feels suspicious to me.

There's something. Yeah. I don't like... Anytime you start saying that humans are behaving like animals, I go, wait a second. It's not reliable. I'm going to press pause. Yeah, I'm going to say, from now on, it'll be sticky sweet bread to me. Yeah, okay.

I'm fine with that, ultimately. Okay. Hey, Michael. Look, we just had, I think, a little bit of a lull in the conversation, and I think it was beautiful. I'm sorry. No. Caleb? i'm sorry no no no no well what you're sensing is this shelby and i have to ask you something really sensitive and we're nervous about it yeah we're both pretty nervous because we don't want to make you uncomfortable but it's a sensitive question okay it's just like if we were to send new golden records into space,

what would you put on them? And you have to be honest, by the way. Okay, this has to be totally true. Okay. Here's something, can I say something that wasn't on the list of things that I sent you? Absolutely.

Because I'm just thinking of it right now. Yeah, go ahead. We love that. It would be personalities like no i don't mean like i just mean like i just mean like yeah not personalities like share i mean personalities like people who like i don't have like one of those charts at the doctor's office it's like happy sad silly yeah but i mean like each of you for example has like sorry let me just go back michael's talking about personalities shelby's

talking about emotions very different personality it doesn't make any sense what i what i mean is that each of you has like a distinct personality you have like like um like uh you know uh what if people people tuning in to hear caleb or they're gonna they know what they're coming to get a particular thing i i'm so fascinated by that because i don't have that i i like i download my personality uh every interaction yeah so if you you the way i'm talking to the two of you right now like this cadence and everything if i was outside this place i would i don't know how to describe i'm a totally different person i have i don't know what the result of that is but i'm always mystified when people have a consistent persona that they always embody i'm always like oh that is so cool and you think that we do yes you both have i think of you as two people having listened to the podcast.

You seem like two people who have, even if you're not doing it deliberately, have a distinct sense of self. That's like, I am like this. I'm like, I don't know what I am. Caleb's suspicion is not about his own. It's about mine. He says I am. No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shelby's a massive, and I don't want to say this,

but Shelby's a massive butthole when we're not on the pod. Huge butthole. Okay. That's good to know negatively, but Shelby's a huge butthole and jerk when we're not on the pod. Wow. Okay. Cause butthole,

I wasn't sure if it was negative, but jerk. I know that's bad. Yeah. Wait, Michael, you think you don't have a sense of self? I think,

I guess what I'm saying is that like, if I, however people talk, where I am is also how I talk. And that's, that's probably, I know that that's not good. I have to like, if it's like people with accents, I have to like be like,

don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. I had a roommate freshman year who was from Michigan, but lived in Australia for a year. Then she came to college and she was like, didn't have an accent, but like would say some things that you would be like, oh, okay. She lived in Australia for a year. Then she left second semester and went back to Australia for a semester. So that's what, like four months.

Came back the next semester. So that's what, like four months? Came back the next semester, so after the summer, and you couldn't even understand her. The accent was so thick. And we were like, girl, come on, give it up. We know this is fake. We've heard you talk before. She's probably, she's like me. She's just trying to be like, maybe I'm like,

maybe what I am is Australian. Maybe I was born here, but in my heart, what I am is Australian. And I think I get this at least in part from my mother, who's a Filipina immigrant, but her English is perfect. But if she speaks to someone whose English is now a hundred times worse than it was? I understand that. If you're talking to someone who doesn't speak English well or it's not their first language, you're trying to make it easier for them. And in doing so, you're really not their first language. You're like trying to make it easier for them. And in doing so, you're like really not doing any favors. You're like trying to simplify to a point where it's like, well, they're learning English the normal way.

And the way that you're speaking is the really weird way that isn't how they're learning. Like if I learn Spanish. You're putting all this stuff together crazy. Like when I'm learning Spanish and someone starts talking in like completely broken i'd be like i don't know what this means it sent me through the roof up to the moon back down to earth when michael said you have to stop yourself from speaking in accents because i i have to do this even when it's not problematic like i i mimic people a lot uh in conversation not even in like a just like i will do a lot of the same things that they do as we're speaking and like i he's a bully i've recently uh yeah and don't you forget it i'll take your lunch money um no i have i've recently i just randomly a lot of times in my life do a british accent

um which is of course a you know a completely annoying and unacceptable trait and i've met several british people lately and before even hearing them speak it'd be like at a group setting or something i'd be like that's the way it goes in it and then they'll talk like they actually talk and i'll keep doing i'll do mine more it's like so annoying and stupid i cannot and you know who can you can you can make are you doing it to be fun or it's just you're like up british mode and it just like iicks on? I just go British mode. I will just go British mode. Shelby, you'll do it too.

Damn, I do go British mode. You go British mode sometimes. Yo, it's mask off British mode. Mask off. It's British mode. Fuck it, British mode. Fuck it, British mode. Fuck it.

I'm going UK right now. Fuck it, innit? Fuck it. I'm going across the pond. Cheerio. Fuck it. I don't even care anymore. Out of curiosity, how are you i i'm we're good to send personalities to space but my question is how best would you like to package that up

is that a descriptor is that sending a few representatives up? Is that? Yeah, yeah. Who are people? Okay, maybe this is a lame reference, but do either of you, have you watched the program, The West Wing? Yes. But not in a long time. I've only seen the clips that go viral.

Well then, I mean, should I continue to talk about it? Just really quickly. This is your record. One of the actors is a guy named Richard Schiff and he plays a character named Toby and all the other actors are doing like Aaron Sorkin talk

like they're all like crazy fast and everything like fits together rhythmically blah blah blah and this one actor is just like kind of in his own show

and he's what makes the show and you're like that's because that that human being has such a strong sense of self that even though everything around them

is in this particular formation he's like no I'm doing it like this. There's an old saying has such a strong sense of self that even though everything around them is in this particular formation, he's like, no, I'm doing it like this. There's an old saying. Those who speak don't know, and those who know don't speak. I don't know if that's true or not, but I know that by and large,

the press doesn't care who really knows what as long as they've got a quote. And it's what makes the whole, it opinion what makes the whole thing it's like the creed from the office it's like he wasn't actually doing anything he was just being kind of like weird and normal yes but he's sticking but he's sticking to it well he wasn't actually being normal huh he was saying i was like you said you said he was being weird and normal i'm like he i don't know if i ever got normal from that gentleman yeah deliberately not normal actually yeah so maybe i would send richard ship i would maybe send richard schiff to space i work with i work with a guy i work

with a guy no he didn't and i the reason i know this is because i work with a guy presently who is obsessed with richard schiff oh well that's wonderful because i think richard schiff is such a gifted actor you would love you would love Andrew Goldberg. My friend sounds like right up my alley. He's a nice man who loves Richard Schiff. Okay, so we're going to send personalities, not a doctor emotion

charts because I think we've all decided those are very different things and show me you're distracted. I was looking up Richard Schiff. Okay, so imagine him had to now we're gonna send those but before oh wait you know what actually gosh we got to go to a break shelby we got to do advertisements now to pay no i was thinking that too i was also saying we should hey welcome bark michael do you want to give us a bark or two?

Like some dog sounds? Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah, your best one. Arf, arf, arf. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I can tell that disappointed. No, it's so quick. Anytime someone agrees to do the bark. Usually we have to fight for it you really gave it to us no i'm very i'm a very beta i think if two people ask me to do something that's the maximum number that it will take to get me to do it yeah and so we accidentally stumbled into this segment called welcome bark and it's and to call it a segment was insane of me but it's basically um we say

welcome bark after the breaks and then we ask people to bark and you would be surprised how how hard we have to fight sometimes it's an uphill climb no i makes and like i i regret having done it so quickly i think that's going to be a thing that i have to talk about i'm going to think to myself about how quickly i did it i I should have definitely asked more questions. You should have advocated for yourself. Yeah. I should have stood up for myself. That's so funny. Wait.

Oh, Michael. What's something so embarrassing in all of humanity that you think we should delete it from the records entirely? And before you answer, we should tell you. It really doesn't have to be the big stuff. It doesn't have to be homosexuality. We didn't tell that's a big one for you. Did someone say they wanted to get rid of homosexuality?

Well, I would consider it. We just wanted to get ahead of it. Yeah, we're trying to save you. No, I meant to say homophobia, but then I started to say homosexuality and I was like, you know what? Who knows? I don't know Michael's politics.

That would be incredible. An incredible reveal on the podcast. Me being like, I would love to get rid of homosexuality. The gays. The girls and the gays. We go, we're like all having actually a really nice time. The episode's going well. And then we go, what would you delete?

And Michael goes, God, probably, I guess, faggots. I guess, yeah, God, I guess it would be fag, because someone already did chunky sandals, right? If I had to do one, I think, yeah. Did someone do toes and socks? Did someone do toes and socks? Oh, well, then faggots. Did someone do carbonated drinks already. Okay.

Faggots and dykes together. It's a twofer. It's a twofer. No, no, no, no. What would you delete? If I would, it would be, I think my, it would be my eczema. I have, I have, I would get rid of it. Your personal eczema. My, I don't mind if other people have it.

In fact, other people having it makes me feel good. I don't, but my, mine personally, there's a period of time, a few years where like there'd be pictures of me and you'd see like a, like a, like a light purple patch on the face. All that has to go. That's all got to be. I don't want the other planets to know about that. Michael's individual eczema has to go. Mine personally. I'm not here for anybody else. I just don't it i don't want the other planets to know about that michael's individual eczema has to go mine personally i'm not here for anybody else i just don't i don't feel like i have

the energy i'm not here to make friends yeah gotta go mine and mine alone do either of you have eczema have you ever that's enough that's a light caleb has gets really dry skin but I don't think it's escalated to eczema yeah that's not eczema eczema is not like once in a while my skin is dry like I would have like

my this was in grade school this was like all scabs here scabs no so that's not really my vibe I have behind my knees

scabs what do you do about it you just you wear you wear turtlenecks no matter what the temperature is and the turtlenecks

make you sweat underneath the turtlenecks. And so it's more itching and more scabs. When I was in like fourth grade, a rumor spread that I was doing heroin. Because that's what the kids thought was happening. Because you had so many track marks. In the fourth grade? You said fourth grade? In fourth grade in my private school.

Were you? Just so we know. Yes, I was. In fairness to them yeah i was doing loads of heroin it was less about the stuff on the arm and more about my behavior um and the amount of horse i was doing yeah and the number of times i got up for show and tell and said would anyone like to buy some of my heroin yeah it had a little bit of something to do with me lighting uh using a lighter under a spoon jesus christ all right shelby what's up we have come on shelby shelby fuck unbelievable michael just said he hates gay people we can't also do drug imagery on the pod this is gonna something is

gonna happen with that that's gonna be it's gonna be it's something is going to happen because i didn't say let me just for the record say i i like almost every gay person i've ever met i really well now we know you're lying can you but i only like 50 for the ones i'll tell you the ones i don't mike can you edit all of that to make it sound like michael just said i dislike almost every gay person i've ever met thank you yes aggressive nodding from mike yeah yeah um okay mike's so eager deleting your personal eggs my life mike's a uh member of the nypd michael our producer mike is a member of the nypd he backs the blue he is yeah he he people people at home know this but he's wearing the he's wearing the uniform right now yeah yes he refuses

crazy about that is that he's a volunteer police officer so he actually had to pay for that in the uniform driving in a squad car right now during the recording of this that's dedication to his job he's using the little computer they have in the middle yeah that's what he mixes on this podcast gets mixed in a cruiser okay no michael what else would you put on your actual record for real okay uh i would also bring these are things that i said that i that i that i plan to say okay um people who sing the harmony on happy birthday but like really go for it you know have you ever been one of those people because i for sure have i'm not anymore but once i was oh when I was like really desperate for attention and doing musical theater in like elementary school,

I think you could consider me. Well, actually, I don't know if I was ever doing the harmony, but I was the one who would do like cha-cha-cha. Wait, I gotta ask. You were doing percussion. I gotta ask both of you. By the way, Shelby, instantly able to be known about you

just by meeting you in person. Instant read. If I met you for three seconds, I'd say that about you. by meeting you in person. Instant read. If I met you for three seconds, I'd say that about you. For sure, cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha person. Both of you, when you think of happy birthday,

do you think of happy birthday to you? Or do you think cha-cha-cha. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. I mean, I think both, but I think the first one. The first one's more your experience. I grew think both But I think the first one

The first one's more your experience I grew up in a world of the first one Me too But in my modern life it seems it comes more Caleb you grew up in a world where It was the other one I grew up in the same way that you did and I think that's too bad Yes I agree

Because the second one fucking rocks It's such an incredible song Why did we all get on board fucking rocks. It's such an incredible song. Why did we all get on board with the original? It's not good. It's bad to sing. Nobody sounds good singing it, even the one who goes for the harmony.

Doesn't sound good singing it. Oh, no, I sound good. I sound great. Sing it right now. Sing it for us, Michael. Be about it. Yeah, I will. Okay. Happy birthday to you.

You know, you can tell. I'm only giving you one to tell. I'm only giving you, one to 10, I'm only going one, but if I went 10. You sound like that old jazz guy who does concerts with Lady Gaga sometimes. Are you talking about Tony Bennett? Are you talking about musical legend

and icon Tony Bennett? You sound like him. You sound like Marilyn Monroe singing to the president. But, but Craig, you're on Caleb. You, you just said that you did musical theater on also right there.

That's beautiful. Caleb, are you also a singer? Are you also a song, a song man? So Caleb and I have, that's so interesting of you to ask Michael. Oh,

am I, am I, am I classically trained? No. Um, but, ask michael um am i am i classically trained no um but do i do i sometimes impress people with my voice yes yes shelby shelby compliment my voice right now shelby was really good at doing runs oh i would love to hear a run and any in any no michael because that is shelby's way uh what shelby just did is when you see someone's improv show and you go it looks like you guys had a lot of fun up there no i won't be doing a run on the pod no caleb does genuinely have a good voice caleb and i

and i'm putting it back on the pod i think i said it one other time i keep putting it on the pod no caleb does genuinely have a good voice caleb and i and i'm putting it back on the pod i think i said it one other time i keep putting it on the pod in case so someone will hold us accountable to do it but caleb and i want to make an album oh sure yeah and the album will be a joke unless people like it unless people like it it's a joke and if people like it if people like it it'll be. We'll be touring around the states and more. But if they don't like it, it was a joke. Michael, were you

a musical theater person? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Your boy's got a degree in musical theater. Don't even worry about it. From where? Name the school. From New York University. NYU! Tish?

Ever heard of Tish? Tish? Actually, it wasn't. No, wait. Pause. Shut your mouth. Caleb, shut your mouth. So Tish has the musical theater degree, but the concentration there is more in the acting part of it.

I was in what's called the Steinhardt School, where the concentration really is on vocals. Like, my degree is in vocal performance with a concentration in musical theater, if we're Oh, so when i asked if you could sing happy birthday and you said yes you meant it which yeah which yeah steinhard steinhard musical theater or tish musical theater which one gets more people on broadway statistically uh it's got to be tish it would it would have to be it would have to be i don't know i don't know but it i would just assume it has to be. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. But I guess what I'm saying about the people who sing happy birthday with the harmony is

that everybody knows about the other people. But those people have to go. So you know that they were here, too. You're just like, don't forget that people were doing this all the time. You know what I mean? They're like, happy birthday, dear Shelby. And everyone's like, oh, my God, what is he doing? We were there trying to do that.

Exactly. You know what I mean? Thank you for understanding. I support that. Do you guys all have a specific person in mind when you hear that? No. Like hear someone harmonize?

I do. It's my friend's mom. Name her. Say her first and last name. Keep it in, Mike. Keep it in, Mike. We're burning bridges. Keep it in.

We're burning bridges. Michael, say one Keep it in. We're burning bridges. Michael, say one. Michael, everyone. Oh, this will be fun. Oh, everyone say one person that you can't stand. Shelby's is. No. Michael, who's yours?

I refuse to do this. Here I am. This, I refuse. Okay. Oh, my God. Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler is a big no for me. Oh,

but he was a great leader. He might've been gay. Yeah, that's, I, I, I did something that, uh,

we didn't focus on enough for it to be important. I hate when people tell us that Hitler's a great leader. It's one of my least favorite things in the whole world yeah well they're like you know he was you have to give it you gotta hand it to him he was charismatic i don't think we are required to give anything to him is that okay i agree i agree mine would probably be um the concept of hate oh yeah good so you set us up from the beginning you were never gonna say anyone be the concept of hate. Oh, yeah. Good. So you set us up from the beginning.

You were never going to say anyone. Caleb's the guy who gets three. Everyone gets three wishes. And Caleb's like, world peace. Ever heard of her? World peace. Ever considered it? No, mine would definitely.

Mine would absolutely be the concept of inequality. I can't stand it. It makes me sick. Yeah, sure. But your guys's were petty. It makes me sick. Yeah, sure. But your guys' were petty, and I think that was fun, too. I actually didn't answer the question. You gave the answer for me after the question was posed. No, I had said that earlier about something else.

You said a woman by the name of... These are all getting beeped. You said the person you can't stand most in the world is... Yeah. Caleb, you don't want to be this mean to her. She you want to go to her house. What does she have a hot sun? No, it's the one in.

Oh, Mike, you got to believe all that. And you got to you got to believe all that. She has. I got to go over there. Yeah, I can't get on the bad side. I don't. Here's one thing about me. I will never be on the bad side of rich people. don't care what they're doing oh never if they're if they're rich

and powerful i'm on i'm you know i'm on their side of course and that's i endorse that i came on the podcast to endorse that thank you i was that was i think in the notes when we reached out was you have to that's my my plot. More like celebrate the rich. Yeah. Thank you so much. Ew. Michael's okay with that. Shelby, I didn't like that.

What about it? Out of curiosity? The way you did. Do the performance again, just so I can be sure. I don't want to. No. Do the performance again, so I can be sure. For real.

I think it went like this. Tax the rich. More like celebrate the rich. I didn't like this. Cucks the itch! More like celebrate the itch! I didn't like it. Okay, and that's how you, you are in musical theater. That was musical theater vibes. It's intensely cruel to start doing impressions

of other people's characters. It's so funny. It's so funny. It offers nothing to the podcast no one wants it it ruins the vibe it's not nice um okay no we're getting really close what's next what's next what's next what's next on the records okay oh next on the record okay well we're probably gonna get through all these right okay well then no we'll try just to switch it up do you know who nicole yokich is yeah i do the joker plays for the denver nuggets he sure does that you're saying Switch it up. Do you know who Nikola Jokic is? Yeah, I do. The Joker.

Plays for the Denver Nuggets. He sure does. You're saying it like you just Googled it. Is that accurate? No, I genuinely am correct, but then I was like, oh, fuck. Am I thinking of the guy in Portland, which is the other Eastern European tall guy? Yes, and I was like, it's so hard. And I was for a moment thinking of Luka Doncic. Yeah, who's in Dallas, it's so hard. And I was for a moment thinking of Luka Doncic. Yeah, who's in Dallas.

But he's Slovenian. And now I'm just naming their teams so that Michael knows that I do know what I'm talking about. I'm like, no, he's in Dallas with Kristaps Porzingis. Porzingis? That's a name. That's a real person's name. It's one that people get wrong.

Every person that we've named is so good at basketball. But the reason I specifically like Nikola Jok is you if you saw a picture of him you'd never be like that's the best basketball player in the world not for a second like the my favorite basketball players are the ones who it's like no i do not have any muscles i am not fast i am not strong i'm operating only on technique it's just just skill, period. End of story. And I love it. You love Larry Bird. I absolutely adore Larry Bird. Tim Duncan, also, no muscles. Oliver Miller, not as good. Very out of shape, but a good basketball. I just like the guys who, when you see them on the court,

you're like, he shouldn't be there. Get him out of here. And then they're great. I adore those people. I wish the world for them. Do you think there's anybody in the NBA that you could beat up? And that's a question for everybody. That I could beat in a fist fight? Yes.

I'm going to go hard no. Okay. Strong, intense. I mean, maybe if they were asleep. If I got the jump on them. And I don't think they would be just to be clear yeah for me the answer is no unless it's someone who's so deeply hurt that they're like barely in the league anymore do you know what i mean they're already they're not able to really move around and i could run sure sure yeah i think even if i were to sneak

up on someone from behind with like a chair or something, I don't think they would have to be asleep. With a ladder. With a ladder. Yeah, with two stools. I would need for them to be fully comatose when it began to possibly emerge victorious. Do you guys think if one of these guys that's like torn an ACL or something or an Achilles injury. I don't

think so. No, I don't think I don't think I'm then to be clear me either. I just thought maybe we would take a healthy. I could take a healthy LeBron. No, you could not top of his game seven years ago. LeBron healthy energized afternoon LeBron. How are you going to do

it? How are you going to take him down? Here's exactly how I do it. I go in for a hug. Start there. He's disarmed by that. Already he rejects you for that, by the way. No, because I'm a really good hugger. He would see that. He doesn't know that yet. He would see that. People intuit that about me when they meet me. Okay. Because

I'm a big guy. I give like teddy bear vibes. So I go in for a hug and I go, oh man, I'm so glad to be working on like teddy bear vibes. So I go in for a hug and I go, oh man, I'm such, I'm so glad to be working on this movie with you. We're doing a movie together. And I go, I go in for a hug.

And the second, it's so good to have you. We're going to end it here. Anyway, the second I have him in a hug, I pretty much put him in a sleeper hold and then get him down to the ground. And I execute the sleeper hold and he falls asleep. Have you trained the sleeper hold?

Are you capable of doing that? I think just the level of confidence that you have. Do you know about sleeper holds? Is that something you know? I could put any single person to sleep using a sleeper hold. I know the technique that well. No, liar. Everybody who steps in.

Liar. If you're within a 20 feet radius of me you are in danger of falling asleep being put to sleep falling asleep if you're around me get ready to snooze away it's like asmr baby um wait i really want to get to that you have a you have a food item on your list that i'm really excited to talk about yes okay i'm i'm sending to space uh burnt bits of steak the parts of the steak that have burned you know what i mean because that's yeah that's the best part that's the best part of every meal the part the little fatty corner part that's like a little bit fat a little bit meat that's a little charred up and some people like oh i don't want this part some people like oh oh i don't like

this part i'll take it off your plate i'll take. If you cut that stuff off, I'll take it. If I just met you that night and you cut that part away, I will eat that part. I will take that part away. We're strangers. If I see a waiter carrying someone else's plate back to the kitchen at the end of their meal and I see they've cut off the charred little fat pieces, I'm saying, Mater D, you know, however, you get to talk to them. Even if I don't see it.

Even if I don't see it, I'll say, excuse me, sir. You get to talk to them. Even if I don't see it. Even if I don't see it. I'll say, excuse me, sir. You get to talk to them however you want. Excuse me, sir. Before you go back, I'd like to inspect that tray. Pardon me. I want to know what you have on there. And then I'm grabbing the little five pieces, and I'm going, that's all.

I'd say that to the server. You get to talk to them however you want. Caleb puts a $1 bill in their shirt pocket and says, that's all. A $1 bill in their belt buckle. Yeah. I take the steak off the thing. They're still standing there. I go, oh, you're still here. Why? And then they usually head off. I love that. Do you eat steak a lot, Michael? Is that a thing you do often? I probably eat it once every, I'm going to say, ten days.

Once every ten days. Is that too often? Is that wrong? I think doctors would say. Am I the reason something bad is happening? No, I think you should probably cut back a little bit. But I think medically speaking, but I think personally, never stop. I want you to have more, if anything. Okay.

I've had kidney stones twice. Is that why? Is it because of that? Can you get those from red meat? Because if so. I will say the? Can you get those from red meat? Because if so... I will say the doctor told me to eat less red meat. So now that I'm saying all the facts out loud, it feels like the solution is right in front of my face.

So when I said medically, maybe cut back a little bit, and everyone on the pod was silent, maybe me and the doctors... I know what doctors would say because they say all of these things to me. I go to the doctor for like a... I'll roll my ankle and go to the doctor and he'll be like, you got to lose weight. I'm like, it's not the point. It's not why I came in.

I'm actually not here for input on that. Yeah. No, not about that. But I know what doctors say. They'll tell you to eat less steak. Sure. They're fascists. They're fascists.

They're fascists. Am I saying it right? Fascists? All doctors are fascists they're fascists am i saying it right fascists they are all doctors are fascists just we have a lot of doctorates listening to this pod i've learned yeah most of our listeners have doctorates or terminal degrees in their field yeah they're mostly really smart yeah michael which you could not probably assume based on the content of the podcast that the only people that would enjoy it would be of a specific. Yeah. Highly educated.

Yeah. We have to tell you something. We got like two reviews this week on the pod that said that they found us through Werner Herzog's list serve email list. So either someone is pulling a pretty elaborate and coordinated prank on us, or Werner Herzog put us on a bus listen list. Recommended this podcast. But we can use his newsletter. I hope it's true.

But what's worse, Michael, is we've done every Google search you can imagine to get on his list, sir. Of course. Can't find it. Of course. Doesn't exist. And one of the reviews, by the way, was said that it said, heads up, the male host.

That's me. The male host makes a lot of references to 20th. What is it? 20th century stuff. 20th century pop culture that you might not all understand. Like Rodney Dangerfield. Everyone might not all understand like rodney dangerfield everyone might not understand i was like i was like okay i do a rodney dangerfield voice once an episode i don't know if that's really a reference that's that's wild because rodney

dangerfield is not that's it's not when you said like to to 2000s culture i was expecting it to be like the band Soul Asylum or something where it's like, okay, well, maybe people aren't going to know what that is. But Rodney Dangerfield, I mean, that's a cultural touchstone. I'm confident that this guy is actually not listening anymore, so I have no problem saying, what's going on there? Send Rodney Dangerfield to space with the little bits of stink I said. Yes, char him a little Rodney Dangerfield to space with the little bits of stink I said. Send Rodney to space. Yes. Char him a little bit and send him to space. I can't get no respect. I can't get no respect on Earth.

Got to get out to space. I said I wanted some space. Next thing I know, I'm orbiting Jupiter. That is so... I can't get into that right now there's a story about rodney danger i'll tell you i'll tell you later um everybody on here okay yeah save it for the patreon do you guys have that what is that what did i just say no everybody on here is not the listeners when i say that i mean you of the four of us here um our listeners don't get a patreon unfortunately um oh shoot they have asked

though uh which is sweet of them okay we i think we have time to just like hear your last things okay my last things they're i think they're only two left and they are every musical all of them everything's got to go they have to know they have to know about it they have to know about tick tick boom they have to know about fiddler on the Roof. All of it. You're both looking dismayed, but I don't care. It's my record. I'm sending it. Well, no, I'm not dismayed. I'm in.

Caleb is a tough sell on that, but it'll get added to your record. Maybe this will help you feel a little bit more on board with it, Caleb. Most musicals are trash. I don't think they're good, but I still like them. I think they should be. Woo! Let's go! Send them up. I agree with that. That's nice to hear. I don't think they're good's go send them i agree with that they're not that's nice i don't

think they're good but i'm still i'm still in i'm still having i'm still sitting through like the fourth production of joseph and the amazing technicolor dream coat i've ever seen being like get me to that mega mix and maybe two of your listeners will know what that is what you're gonna do joseph's got a wonderful coat. Okay, so you're obviously a big fan. Yeah. That's one of the... And me, I've been in Joseph more times than I could count. So a Jewish girl went to Jewish camp,

did musical theater. Yeah, I've been in Joseph. You always played the coat, didn't you? Only twice. And I just had to hug a guy for a whole production. Yeah, you had to ride around piggyback. I had to hug, yeah, it was your uncle, wasn't it? It was your uncle.

It was your uncle, yeah, I think Michael's right. Yeah, they couldn't get budget for a coat, so they asked if I could step in and just kind of, and I act my ass off. I did community theater like growing up as a kid, so still to this day, if my dad like will see a TV show or something that i'm a part of he'll be like what does that guy do i'm like no that's that's it you're watching his job his

job is to be on this tv show my dad just assumes people are like you know like he's like the dentist in the in the town that he right it's like a hobby that he was on right being a series go ahead sorry i'm so sorry caleb i apologize for could I go is it okay if I go I was going to go anything you have to say Michael I was going to have you go over Shelby actually

no if that's okay I would actually prefer sure if anyone I'll go ahead because you guys are both doing a bad job good

you know we should do maybe just like one moment of silence we'll do a minute of just being quiet time starts now now has it been a minute at this point it's been 17 seconds 10 really it was 10 seconds i was hoping i was gonna suggest that we all raised our hand at like what we thought was 15 seconds

okay let's do that let's do that on this one. Ready? It starts now. Am I right? My hand is raised. The people at home. That can't be right. Shall we get the closest? At four seconds. Shall we get it at 21 seconds.

Michael, I do believe you were at 10. No, you were at, sorry, sorry, sorry. Shelby got it at four seconds off. Michael, you were about 10 seconds off. And I was about, no, Michael was seven seconds off. And I was about five seconds off. Okay, the math is no longer, we don't have to get this deep into the. No, no.

Caleb's applying to be a hostess at a restaurant so he's dumbing himself out of it I'm so hot I would, yeah, I would do, I used to, I was a host at Applebee's Actually, that was one of my first jobs I've been a hostess The last thing I'm sending The last thing I'm sending Shut up! The last thing I'm sending

Is physical therapy, I'm sending it And we have questions We have questions about that pick, yeah I'm frequently injured, I play a lot of basketball Sorry, my, I'm sending is physical therapy i'm sending it we have questions about that pick yeah uh i'm i'm frequently injured i play a lot of basketball sorry my i'm uh first and foremost an athlete and yeah no that means that is what people say about you yeah uh i'm constantly in pain and i love physical therapy every physical therapist is hot it's just it's it's you should all you should get it even if you're not injured

you should go to physical therapy you should get some regardless every time i've gone to physical therapy it's been a hard time it's been hard oh i love it absolutely love it i've never been i was there today before i did this the the last thing i did was physical therapy like literally just before this a man had his hand in hand in my underwear pressing against my, like, I don't know what this is. All right, okay. Caleb's going up his whole thing.

For people at home, I am not, it's not, like my, like right there, I guess my hip bone, something, I don't know,

pressing somewhere into some muscles I didn't know I had and it hurt like hell and then I got up and I was like, oh my God, I feel so much better.

I love that. Have you tried the chiropractor? It's very similar. I'm scared of the chiropractor. I feel like so much better i love have you tried the chiropractor it's very similar i'm scared of the chiropractor i feel like that's is that a real job honestly chiropractors are scary they just rip your shit to shreds but then you get up and you're like whoa something's different about me michael this this is an incredible record that you've made all you have to do at this point um to legally fulfill your obligation per the 15 page contract we sent over is tell people where they can find you and what you're up to uh you can find me uh on twitter and instagram at cruz cane c-r-u-z k-a-y-n-e and as previously stated i have a podcast

called a good cry coming out uh it's a joint project of HeadGum and Radio Point on September 30th. And our first guest is someone really cool. What does this come out? Does this come out after that? Before that? This comes out this Friday. In two days. Tonight?

Yeah. Okay. So then my first guest is someone really cool that I think I'm not allowed to say who it is yet. But it's a cool person. And I hope you'll check it out. Amazing. What a cool person. And iconic.

Thanks so much for being on. Thank you for having me. This was a delight. Ciao for now. Ciao, Bella. Ciao, Bella. Ciao, Bella. You know, like Ricola.

That was a Hiddem Original.