Keeping Records - Tony Bennett’s Make-A-Wish (with Colin Rourke)

Episode Date: October 1, 2021

chicago > city of chicago > apartments/housing for rent — North Center spacious 4 bed 2 bath, 4 min walk to Irving Park Brown Line. Lots of natural light. New appliances, in-unit laundry. Guarantors accepted, for immediate move-in. Contact comedian and prince Colin Rourke for more info. Link to video walkthrough. Colin's Artifacts  Rat Race (2001) (audio-visual) Sully Sullenberger (animated character)  The smell of Banana Boat sunscreen (smell) The University of Michigan Senior Musical Theater Department's "Senior Entrance" (audio-visual) Blooper reels of any television show (audio-visual) Follow Colin! Instagram  TikTok Twitter -- Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet and friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Ooh. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. I almost did, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, Be honest. Dad. I have spent.

It's daddy. It's daddy to you. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yucky, yucky, yuck, yuck. Mike hated it so much. That is yucky. It is so yucky. I feel yucky.

I think you meant daddy. No. Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry mommy go ahead worse mommy is worse um i've spent the better part of my week at um famed car card car shop pet boys would you refer to spending one day there as the better part of your week? It's only Wednesday, and I spent all day Monday and two hours there on Tuesday. Okay, I'm just checking.

So I would, actually, yeah. Yeah, I mean, most people don't think of, you didn't say week thus far. You said week. It's insinuated that you'll live longer. Yeah, but I don't know if I will be back or not. Right now, as as is i have spent

the better part of my week at pet boys yeah who's to say that i won't go back i got friends there now that's what i was gonna say you were only there because you were hanging out with the boys the pet boys my dad knows them by name i like told him i went to pet boys and he was like i don't remember their names but it's like moe manny it's like moe manny and someone else and he was like ah i was like how the fuck do you know their names he said they're jewish i said so you know their names he said i have a list of all jewish people he said they're jewish i said okay they held me hostage for 24 hours you can't say that that's not true you can't that's we could get sued for that that's not true can i get sued yeah i don't know it kind of feels like maybe if they wanted to be litigious about it technically you are accusing them of a crime yeah but only for because it happened i was i

they put a gun on me i wasn't allowed to leave the pep boys i said when will my car be done and they said when we take the gun out of your mouth jesus christ i'm not allowed to say daddy but you're allowed to say gun and mouth i love it i guess i don't to say gun and mouth? I love it. I guess I don't see the two as comparable. No, I love it. How are you? I'm good.

I got flowers today. I saw. Never happens for me. And you're thinking, oh, they're from a boy. They're probably from a guy. No, they're actually from work. So not actually from a guy at all. By the way, we're going to have to bleep out flowers. No freak out for the concept of flowers no free club for nature nature can pay nature can pay

and what else is going on with me well that's pretty much it that's really all that's going on with me i'm going to new york soon listeners i'm coming with you but i'm telling the listeners i know but you're telling me right now i'm with you i'll be i'm actually not going with me you're actually flying with homes and i'm flying alone yeah well that's because you wanted to fly in the middle of the night no i don't want to do that i have to because of work i'm not i can't miss work i gotta take a red eye i gotta take a red eye on my flight is crazy for anyone who cares i gotta take a red eye from la to nashville had to have a stop I have to stop in Nashville at 5 a.m. and I have to go one of the things where you don't change planes though you just kind of like land I'm sure I actually

think I actually think that's uh more annoying you can't like go to a bigger bathroom or like get a food item that's not from the plane do you know what I mean a layover at least you can like get something sort of yum when you just land and take off again it's like what was the point of this i'll get it why did we do this i'll be i'll get a decent meal because i'm uh as you've said on the pod you're a business class bitch i'm a business class bitch now so i'll get something some eggs some bacon who knows let's bring i don't think i want eggs or bacon from an airplane anyway let's get our let's get ready to podcast coming all the way from chicago we weighing in at 75 pounds soaking wet with a brick in each pocket he has no waste at all our dear friend our sweet prince comedian call it

hello wow for a second i had like pray that you both forgot my name and we're like searching the chat we go comedian friend friend friend been done known for a lot for a while he's been around and he has features and he has features come on he has facial features he has facial features he has features he has what do you think col, what do you think is your most defining feature in life? Oh, my God. Physical or emotional or either? Any. If you had to pick physical, emotional, character, anything, if you had to say, this is Colin Rourke, what would it be?

Oh, my God. My hairline. You think? It's so bad. I don't think that's true. That's not true. You think it's distinctive, though? It's true. That's not true. That's probably something that people don't. It's distinctive.

It's distinctive. I used to tell my dad that he had a peninsula on his head. And I'm shaping up to be the same way. I think it's cute. I think you have cute hair. Thank you. Maybe I smile. I don't know.

We're flirting. I have to leave. I have to leave. Shelby, can you black out your screen for a second? Shelby, black out your screen for a second. I'll take off my headphones. You guys just let me know when I can come back, okay? Oh, God.

She's really left. Well, Colin, is there anything you want to say about Shelby? Yes. A couple things. Number one, one time, Shelby beat the shit out of me in Chicago. Did she call you the F slur during? Yes. Yep.

She's been doing that. That's all she did the whole time. I can tell there's slander going on about me. Come back in, Shelby. You can come back in. Hold on. I gotta get my hands off the mic to do this. Shelby, did you call Colin a faggot and beat him up? No, and I think you both know that, right?

Cool. Colin, it's so good. Just checking. Colin, it's so good to be chatting with you. Where are you in the world right now i am in chicago um but we are in the process of moving um but it's taking a little bit you and everybody else oh my god telling me again it's like a train came through chicago and everyone had a fucking ticket to get out of here yeah to somewhere it doesn't matter where everyone had to go it doesn't matter what's funny is that people who have already left are now like going back to chicago to visit

and posting like chicago is the only place on earth and we love it there and everyone else is like we are we are leaving we are still here we are trying to get out we are clawing our ways out of this city i really fucked up by trying to convince all of my friends to leave chicago for la because i did that and i need my people to be with me. Because I went back recently and realized I had a lot of friends to hang out with still, but I had significantly less people to see. And I was like, uh-oh, what have I done? Oh, it's starting to get a little bit weird in the sense of we go to a live show and I'm like, I don't know every single person here anymore. Are new people coming?

Are new people coming in? They're not even coming if they're here. No! I know. No! I know. No, they're here. And it's because people came during the pandemic, just like when people moved to LA or New York

during the pandemic. And now that shows are happening again, they're coming out of the woodworks and there's a lot of them. You don't think there's going to be a Chicago comedy scene without us and our friends, do you? I think it ends with us. Thank you. Exactly.

That's kind of what I had thought. Exactly, exactly, exactly. But then I got scared because you said there's new people. Yeah, no. They're actually not in. They're spectators. They're spectators. They're going to just have intramural sports.

Those are people that moved to Chicago to watch comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There can't be a new scene. No, they wanted to just see it as it was on its way out you know it's thriving did you guys move your chicago apartment yet have you gotten people to take it over no it's been hell have you seen instagram of course not oh my god i am like basically a realtor at this point on instagram i bet i'm begging people to take over our apartment we did have one person reach out yesterday and they were like, we have four people who want this place because it's a four bed,

two bath. And I was like, let's ride. So fingers crossed it happens soon. Or we have to break our lease. Just in case that thing doesn't work out. Do you want to do a quick ad for your apartment? Thank you, Caleb. That is all I, okay. Make it really good. Hello, everyone. I am not a professional realtor, but I am here to say that I have a four-bed, two-bath in Chicago, Illinois. It has great features. It is a four-minute walk to the Irving Park Brow Line. It also has natural light all day. There is in-unit laundry, a new dishwasher, a new oven.

Okay, it is a four-bed, two-bath, but you could use one of those bedrooms for a studio. Get creative. There's so many of you here in Chicago. It is a beautiful space. You have no upstairs neighbors. It's a lovely, lovely area. North Center, great for kids if you're having them, if you're thinking about them.

Now, Colin, is this the apartment that was featured in the viral video that went viral circa beginning of quarantine? Thank you, Shelby. Well, seeing it absolutely is. So you are entering some famous premises here. This apartment was passed down to us by some French folk. And now it is being passed down to you by improvisers.

The French. This was passed down to us by the French, and then we used it to make internet videos. Much like Lady Liberty. Much like Lady Liberty, this apartment. That's exactly correct. I love that. I might rent it just for fun. What?

Caleb, I wish you would. I'm going to rent a spot in Chicago. Shelby, you want to go in on it with me? Let's get a place. I said what, but yeah, sure. I guess, yeah. We really were. We joked about it. We're like, let's text a bunch of our friends but yeah sure i guess yeah we like joked about we're like let's text a bunch of our friends who are like making money now and be like yo help us out by this

who do we who fuck who do we know who do we know who do we know it is funny to imagine all of us that are leaving chicago all paying rent at that chicago apartment so that if we ever go back to chicago we have a place to stay. What a great idea, Shelby. For all of you who have left Chicago. You're leaving. You would be a part of this. You would have to start keep paying at least some of the rent. Yes, but it would be like divided by like 25.

Yeah. Yeah. Time share style. Time share style. Guys, is this really smart or really stupid? Is this the smartest thing we've ever thought of? Find a place to sleep? Now, hold on a second. I should we just buy it maybe we shouldn't be renting it we should buy this

unit yes i'm that's it i'm calling my um financial advisor i'm calling my financial advisor right now. I need cash. Liquid. I need liquid cash now. Liquid. But yeah, hopefully we'll be out soon. Well, it's always so funny to me when you talk about rich people and you're like, you know, someone will be like, Jeff Bezos should not have 18 billion or whatever he has. And then someone will go, that's not liquid. They'll be like, it's not. He doesn't just have that. To me, I get, I think, what liquid means. If I'm honest, I don't actually. But it doesn't make sense to me that it's not he doesn't just have that to me i i get i think what liquid means if

i'm honest i don't actually but it doesn't make sense to me that it's called liquid nothing nothing of it all is liquid unless you have liquid gold oil okay boom sure point for daddy one point for daddy everybody just call me daddy really quick on the pod i have liquid gold i just got my oil changed both upsetting responses both upsetting responses shall we talk about getting her oil changed and colin saying in a sort of a gremlin voice daddy daddy daddy ew we um we started nicknaming ourselves in the apartment and and True is named Daddy, Zaddy, and I'm named Papa, and I named Garrett Big Stuff.

And he likes that? That is so tough to hear. No, Garrett didn't like it, nor did True. No one really liked it, but I was high and having fun. It didn't take. It didn't take. Well, nicknames are so so tough because they're hardly ever coming from a place of positivity yes nicknames almost always come from negative experience oh my god

is that true i'm trying to think of any nicknames i have and all of them are like from my mom and those are you gotta understand when i say nicknames i mean true nicknames people are getting really loose with the definition of nicknames now people are like oh like calling you shelb that's not a nickname no that's a shortened of my name but when my mom yeah calls me shelber do all the time that's not a nickname it's what is it plays on your actual name are just uh that's just riffing on the real name nickname i'm doing a google for the definition nickname is like the guy from my hometown whose name is Kenny, but everybody calls him Frog. That's a nickname. That's a nickname.

Frog? Frog. Does he look like a frog? What's the... Yeah, kind of. I think there's... Yeah, he looks... He's got long legs.

He's got long legs. A nickname is a familiar or humorous name given to a person or thing instead of or as well as the real name right so shell or whatever is still the real name that's as well as the real name but my uh comment which you now have in front of you as well is the two uh sample uh sentences are very funny to me the first one less than the second the first one is malander's fair complexion gave rise to his nickname ghost that's just so stupid and then the second one is his fraternity brothers nicknamed him the bird because of his skydiving skills what that is how it goes that is how it goes if you're a good skydiver your fraternity brothers are gonna call you the bird

i gotta tell you i believe it i just don't know who's like good at, like what? Everybody who makes it through. Caleb, you were in a fraternity, weren't you? Yes, I was.

That's all. That's all you wanted to know? You can go, Meryl Streep. You can go. Thank you. That's all. The details of your incompetence do not interest me.

And of course, and Mike, Thank you. That's all. The details of your incompetence do not interest me. And Mike, do bleep that because no free clout for the girlies. Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. That's so funny. Freshmen, do something crazy. Do something crazy. Keg stand. Keg something crazy what song was that let's go to college man i love college by asher roth man i love drinking i love isn't the next isn't the next

i love the girlies and the girlies love me back. That's actually a great line. Gay men do love women and straight men say they love women. So it's like, you know, it works. Who means it? Who means it? Well, gay men love women. Straight men love sex with women.

That's the difference. Most of the time. No offense to anybody who, if you identify as straight no offense of our listeners i don't know if there are any of you um but you know hey we this podcast we everyone should do whatever they have to do caleb you're crying that was amazing i just feel like fucking like it's just like if you're straight, like fine. Like, you know, I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the bullying.

Let them go, dude. If somebody's straight. What? Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Caleb.

Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Your ears are bleeding. It's literally like whatever.

Like if someone's straight, it's like whatever, dog. Like they can still be an accountant. No one can see this, but he's shucking corn as he says this. And bleeding from the ears apparently. Colin, hey, look. We brought you here because we wanted to ask you something. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Shelby's nervous to ask it. I am pretty scared. You can have your part in it. Just because I don't know how you're going to take it, if that's okay to say. And Shelby has a reputation as being a huge asshole. So she's still trying to work on that. So she's scared to ask people direct questions now.

I can take it. So with love and respect, I come to you. If we were sending new records into space. Sure. And it's not direct now, but it's definitely weird. What would you want to include there on it? On the records. Amazing.

Thank you so much for asking me that. Thank you. No, no, no. Colin, thank you for real. Thank you. No, I would say thank you. much for asking me that thank you no no no colin thank you for real thank you no i would say thank you no wait thank you both actually i would cut you both off and i would just say thank you colin i'm gonna take that thank you and i'm gonna raise you a thank you on that and i and I would once again just reiterate that I am rubber and you both are glue and the thank yous do bounce off of me and stick to you okay oh my god I guess you win. That was amazing.

The first thing that I would add would be the film, the feature film rat race in a city where anything goes and everything is possible. Six strangers are about to be given two million dollars the chance of a lifetime keeps it all it's like a race he said today okay okay here's what i'll say about rat race oh no you go ahead if you have more to say i want you to hit it i'll just i would like because i know this is a podcast so this is an audio thing So no one can visually see what's going on. But when I did say rat race, both Caleb and Shelby leaned back in their chairs and exhaled like they had been holding their breath the entire time.

No, for me, the problem is that I saw this and liked it when it came out and have not revisited since and if you asked me what's the premise i would say it's a lot of people running around a lot and that is what it is i remember i remember two things about this movie i hit me with it and here's what here's what you need to know about the movie rat race in my opinion number one mr bean mr bean yes yes jinx number two you can't talk anymore there's some person shall we stop there's there's some person in it who has um a tongue ring okay i believe that's this is coming back to me. Fuck, I'm going to get fucking canceled on this fucking podcast. You don't know about the movie?

Okay, I did. Oh, shit. You didn't know Mr. Bean was involved? He didn't know about the tongue ring either. No, I didn't know Mr. Bean. I forgot about the tongue ring. I'm not wrong though, right? No, you are absolutely right.

And that, I don't know who that is. So Colin, you put this on the records but seem to not know much about the movie can we ask you well i just didn't know i would have to defend a thesis here i thought it was like a joyful conversation and then i have and now i'm in court holy shit i will say what wait the guy who plays the tongue ring guy in rat race is older than my mom he's older than my mom wait my mom should not be younger than the tongue piercing guy from rat race can we all agree on that yeah what's his name what's the actor's name vince his name is vince look up vince rat race okay yeah i know you okay i might as well get a pd

page i understand why you said vince because the last time's hard to pronounce he's from illinois amazing he had a cat named groovy is he alive yeah i think he's alive he's older than my mom if he's alive wow that's from, you guys guessed it, Joliet, Illinois. And his nickname is Scrappy. And that's a real nickname. But if you called him Vinny, that wouldn't be a real nickname. I wonder if they tell me why he's named Scrappy or not. They do not.

It's got to have something to do with his age. IMDB tells me his name, his birthday, his nickname, and his age. Who are you asking? IMDb tells me his name, his birthday, his nickname, and his height. You don't expect him to be older than my mom. That's what I will say. But that movie, okay, I did look up some interesting things about this movie. It was released like a couple weeks

before 9-11. Yeah, I'm seeing that. Isn't that crazy? Guys, his trivia is really funny. I'm going gonna read a few things to you if that's okay okay yes uh he fired his agent after the film rat race 2001 because he was not included on any promotional posters or items and received the lowest billing even though he had as much if not more screen time and film relevance than all of his more famous co-stars oh my god you're right i'm looking at the poster him nor seth green are in it but they seem less famous than everybody else on the poster it seems like that's just seth green was pretty famous yeah he's like a 90s darling but not as famous as

everyone else here i don't think but i don't think think Amy Smart was that famous yet. Right? Was she not? I don't know. She's like one of those 90s people that I'm like, is she alive? She's got to be alive. The last thing that's actually worse, there's some stuff on here that's stupid. But the one that made me laugh the most is the last item of trivia, is just he is living quote la vida amor and quote in hawaii so thank god you need to find vince scrappy scrappy's living love

okay i i chose rat race because i thank you because i thank you coming back to the reason why i chose the movie right i think it says a few things about our culture on this planet one money makes the world go around okay okay god we're getting political okay yeah that's right yeah i'm not afraid gone i'll go there come on um number two we are a very greedy world okay it's not super dissimilar from number one from number one number three he goes money is how you pay number four so people will do anything to get money so i like to rephrase i have one thing to say and three sub points Number four, people will do anything to gain wealth. For money.

So I like to rephrase. I have one thing to say and three sub points. Number five, if you can't buy things, you're nobody. And number six, money can't buy you class. Hit it, Luann. Countess Luann plays and does Money Can't Buy You Clash. No, no, no. But seriously, Shelby and I are just busting your balls a little bit, Colin.

Thanks. What else did you have to say about the points of the movie? The other point is I think this is the one movie that I believe should have a remake that does not. And whoever finds this film, I it would um pay homage to our world if they were to remake it caleb is shaking this is the one movie you think should get a remake okay i'm asking that that and blindside what not blindside honey not that not white savior to get more work not white savior who sandy yeah yeah she's great but the character what's going on yeah it's tough wait what who would you right now call in uh six six actors to to star in the

new rat race movie go oh my god okay um anna and maya from pen 15 but they are they're not together they're like on two other they're two separate teams. Okay. I'm also going to throw out, so that's two of the four. I'm going to throw in. And do they have kind of like a Romeo and Juliet romance, the two of them, from the other two teams? Or are they not really connected at all in their storylines?

I think they're competitive. Do they get to be adults? Yeah, they grew up to be adults and I think they grew apart from each other. And now it's a battle royale. Battle royale, I'm going to throw Daniel Craig in the mix. Jesus. So Daniel Craig is in there um you owe me three more names okay they always throw in like a musical performer who's trying to make it into the film tv industry um i'm gonna throw sizza

in there gee okay i love it i love that no i love this this is crazy okay um i'm also gonna throw in who is somebody that's like a little bit controversial donald trump matt damon matt damon um and i'm gonna put him I'm gonna put I'm gonna put those two on a team together cool Tim Allen Tim Allen

wait I look whether we like it or not I'm sorry folks Tim Allen would kill this I don't care I don't care I don't care

I don't care Tim Allen would fucking kill this honestly Caleb you'll both love and hate this but Roseanne Roseanne would kill this. Honestly, Caleb, you'll both love and hate this, but Roseanne. Roseanne would kill this shit, dude.

I don't care. I don't care. Look, cannot happen because she's over party, but if 15 years ago. Yes. Think about it. 100%. Also, I do find myself on her Instagram from time to time.

Sure. Well, she's on well. On whose Instagram? Roseanne's. She lives in, I think, Hawaii now.

She's a farmer. Yeah. And she's just sort of live, laugh loving out there. Yeah. She's off. I'm also going to throw Rosie O'Donnell in there. Now that i love

rosie and rosie come on rosie and rosie colin how do you feel about lesbians and be careful okay i played the fifth oh oh my god weird that you wouldn't go positive I would say I would say that looks worse than if you had said anything at all let's let's um let's go to a break let's go to a break I don't know if we're gonna come back

after the break we have to talk to him and see yeah Colin said he wanted to put I don't know if we're going to come back after the break. This is not looking good. We have to talk to him and see what his politics are. Yeah, Colin said he wanted to put Tim Allen and no lesbians in his life. Let's do the ads. Welcome, Mark. Colin, do you want to give us a wolf or two? Wolf, wolf. Ooh.

Now that's a dog who's been around the block. That is Beverly Hills Chihuahua if I've ever seen her. Do you say Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Isn't that a movie? That is a movie. Yeah. Is it? Didn't they?

I think they made it a movie from like the taco bell commercial no they were just like that tv show out of the ape guys yeah the cavemen oh yeah and ted lasso ted lasso was a commercial no it wasn't he was yes you're such a liar wait mike's laughing but i'm being so dead serious it is you're a liar Mike's going to Google it and send us a link. Go ahead. It was like a campaign for, I don't know. I want to say like a phone company. Oh, no.

There's so many fans. Someone's going to double check that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before we go into the rest of that, I want you guys to give, you guys are never going to believe. Okay. Beverly Hills Chihuahua, which came out in 2008. I want you guys to try and guess who plays Chloe, a pampered chihuahua from Beverly Hills.

I already know. Do you want me to keep my mouth shut? Yeah, keep your mouth shut. Colin, do you know it already? Reese Witherspoon? No. Close, actually, in my opinion. Not super far away.

Laura Dern. I'm just naming people with little lies. You're getting weirdly closer to me you're on the street number you're on the same street oh my god i don't think i'm gonna get it though nicole kidman i'm just further further you did just jump further drew barrymore oh now here's okay but now think about who did the the chihuahua from mexico now here's something i don't think you guys will know yeah yeah sorry shall we you want to say who did the chihuahua from mexico now here's something i don't think you guys will know yeah yeah sorry shelby you want to say who did the chihuahua from mexico i wasn't george lopez yes now yeah here's something i love i'm sorry i have to say this just before we move on the intro to the

george lopez show is one of my favorite intros of all time yeah i almost wanted to buy a trampoline because of that wow wait caleb i hate to do this too i'm sorry i sorry I will I will let you finish I'm very Kanye right now but you will not guess who else is in Beverly Hills Chihuahua um Jamie Lee Curtis Piper Parabo from Coyote Ugly

oh I love her I love Coyote Ugly she's really special can I give you guys another trivia question yeah I'm gonna ask you this um Shelby I love Coyote Ugly. She's really special. Can I give you guys another trivia question? Yeah. I'm going to ask you this. Shelby, I hope you haven't already looked it up. How much money do you think Beverly Hills Chihuahua grossed at the box office? And before you say, I want to tell you both that Rat Race from 2001, previously discussed on the pod, raked in $85.5 million at the box office.

Now, how... Opening or... This is just box office totals. Now, how much do you think Beverly Hills Chihuahua brought in at the box office in 2008? It was, I'm going to say $100 million because I think it was marketed as a kid's movie. Okay.

And I will go on the, I will take the over on that. gonna say a hundred million because i think it was marketed as a kid's movie okay and i will i will go on the i will take the over on that so i'll say 110 million okay you're both wrong well yeah i hope it's one of the top 10 billion dollar making movies beverly hills chihuahua released october 3, 2008, starring Drew Barrymore and George Lopez. The recession. Brought in at the box office, even during a recession, $149 million. Oh, that's incredible. That is unacceptable.

You don't see those numbers these days. That is unacceptable. I mean, you got a cast of Jamie Lee Curtis, Piper Parabo. No, Jamie, you made that up. Is Jamie Lee Curtis in it? No, Jamie Lee Curtis is in it. She plays Aunt Viv. My dad's good friend dated her. That's all.

Okay. I have to go. Wait, are you being serious? Se seem like they kind of set the tone con are you being serious are you doing a bit i'm i know i'm so serious and my dad's roommate in college i hope he's okay with me saying this was richard roper who's that like e Ebert and Roper? Yeah. My dad's roommate was one of the two thumbs up guys. Whoa.

Was he really into movies? I don't know. Was he always watching and reviewing movies in the dorm? Can you imagine? He sends out a newsletter every day. Wait, Colin, who did you room with your freshman year of college oh my god i had two roommates because they both left that happened to me oh my god you guys are pariahs i had a forest triple and then over winter break neither of them came back

what were you guys doing oh my first roommate was crazy i was doing a zoom call well it was like whatever it was called back then but it was just probably skype yes i was skyping with like a friend from another college and he came home so drunk and in the back i couldn't i didn't turn around to see him i saw him because i was looking at myself in the corner i saw him take out his penis and start peeing behind me into my bed oh my freshman year roommate peed in our mini fridge one night oh yeah my friend's freshman year roommate down the hall um she woke up in the middle of the night to see her peeing in front of the window oh my god can i tell you one time i woke up and saw myself peeing one time i woke up and i was just peeing what in bed my friend in bed i was in bed and i was just straight up pissing into the

sky or yeah wait and how did you see yeah how did you what do you mean you were peeing like up into the sky like it was shooting up into the air well i wasn't like erect but it was like i was like just pissing and it was getting all over me and i it took me a second to like stop because i was like who turned this faucet on and i had no idea what was going on were you drunk that's okay it was only like a few years ago no worries I have a friend who

she's my friend when we were in high school she used to anytime we drank she would like mistake her parents closet for like she would sleepwalk and mistake her parents closet for the bathroom and she would just piss in their closet I've only ever peed where I'm supposed to which is the backyard i love being outside actually

um okay okay okay okay colin look what's next on your records okay next on my records is sully from the plane all right i'm assuming you mean captain sully sullenberger who heroically landed the plane on the hudson river yeah next for me he's sully from the plane plane sully why why what do you want the aliens to get from this? Okay. I like the idea that we kind of show our heroes of the world. And to me, he was like such a hero because he, I mean,

he made the decision to say for everyone's looking at me like, what are you doing? He made the decision to say, I'm going to not try to land this on land, but do it in water. And I'm so sorry. I'm looking at all three of you. Hilarious.

Well, no, Colin, it's because briefly you froze. And we were seeing if you were going to come back and you did. But so you were sort of seeing us. Mine was about what you were saying. Oh, sorry. No, it was about the freeze um yeah he's a big hero and you are do you want to fuck him sorry i want i want more explanation on you saying he chose not to land it on land and instead water and then get into whether or not you like some of our some of our biggest heroes are the ones that don't take a big enough risk.

Because if he were to take a big enough risk, he would have tried to land it on land. But he took the smaller risk, which was water. And sometimes the smaller risk. Go ahead. Go ahead. It was in New York City. If he tried to land it on land, so many people would have died. So many people would have died if he landed on land.

Yeah. So the movie had a positive ending, but there would have been a movie no matter what. And I'm just saying that he was... I'm like digging a hole and absolutely covering myself in it. Okay. Here is why I think it's amazing because there is a youtube video that shows him in the flight attendance after he landed the plane it's like months after they get everyone from the plane back together some of them are probably like fuck i have to fly in for this

i have to catch a plane for this all right not. Not dope. I'm not stoked on flying anymore, but I guess, yeah. I've sort of been disenchanted at the idea of human flight. Also, it feels like you shouldn't get them all in the same room again, like final destination concerns. Yeah, like there's something about this combination of energy that didn't go well the first time. Right. Surely, can you have seen like the same people like in the line to get back on a plane you're like fuck well also there's that moment like some of you were probably pretty embarrassed about how you handled the stress of the moment and then to have to be like

hey again i wanted to apologize once again well you know there's people you know there's people who shit and piss their pants and sob and like did like the most embarrassing stuff imaginable you took out their phone tried to call their family tried to fuck somebody in the seat next to them it was like hey do you want to fuck just because we're going we're going down yeah i would i'm not kidding why not every plane every plane i'm on and i'm this is not a bit i'm not joking i mean this 100 every single plane i'm on i track the hottest person that i can see on the plane and i know if things started to go south, I would ask if they wanted to fuck. Out of curiosity, how much time do you think after you one know that things are going south?

It doesn't matter. It's the, it's the rush. It doesn't matter how far you get in the process. It's the rush of being engaged. I want a hand on a dick. I want lips locked. That's how I want to go.

How close do they have to be sitting to you? Any, any distance? I'll go find them. No, I mean, if the hot guys are back to the plane, if the hot guy's in economy, it would be a bummer to have to go back there. Yeah, that would suck.

But I'll go fuck the hot guy in economy. The air is different back there, right? Yeah, and it's just not. The air is different. It's not. I mean, I would go get him and bring him back to the business class. I wouldn't fuck him in economy.

I'd grab him from economy i'd rescue him from economy i actually think there's something more thrilling about fucking an economy the seats are smaller the seats are small you and i got different ideas on the world sweetheart i'd fuck him in the cockpit i'd get up there too i'd open up the cockpit yeah i will say i don't understand how there are so many people in the Mile High Club because I've been in those bathrooms and I struggle to do anything alone in there. Mike, I just realized you have to cut the part where I say I'd go into the cockpit. I'm going to get on a plane. No, you have to leave that in there.

You have to at least bleep when I said that part earlier. What? You can't say you're going to go into that when i said that part earlier what i can't you can't say you're gonna go into that part of the plane yes you can that's where you that's how you get in trouble no only if you do it economy no the cockpit i'm gonna get canceled for people thinking i would ever go into economy people say caleb's actually really grimy delete that part i can't know people people can't know i go into economy delete that i would never go into economy at least bleep it please people can't know the police will get involved my fat ass will not be

caught dead back there um colin what would you sorry mike i meant your friends would get involved yeah yeah mike's a police officer in the nypd well i guess you can't call an officer because he doesn't he volunteers um yeah mike or no colin what would you do if the plane was going down if your plane was going down i would want us to all sing together you know that's not possible, right? I think it is. The moment they were like, we're going down, I would yell, five, six, seven, eight. I'm yelling Timber, you better dance. You better move.

It's going down. I'm yelling Timber, you better move. You better dance. Let's make a night You won't remember Be the one You won't forget And then here's where we crash

Wow Wow You guys, someone got mad at me the other day because they were trying to talk about Tony Bennett and I didn't know who it was and then i said you mean the old guy who does concerts with lady gaga and i was being serious and they got mad i guess he's like a jazz legend or something you we really don't know who tony bennett who are you talking to because i was present were you yeah i remember

this conversation i kind of thought it was at work were you listening to me at work were you listening to me on zoom i don't think maybe i just messed my hair up um yeah but they got mad at me i don't i didn't know he was i just i thought he was somebody that lady gaga was like doing some sort of not charity but like some i thought i thought he was some sort of like she was trying trying to help him come up. Come up? I really didn't. I'm not even a gaga stand. I'm not trying to be like, I really genuinely was just like,

oh, that's nice that she does that with that guy. Like he's like, he's starting to make it in the end. Yeah, kind of like a make a wish. I mean, you know. He's so old. Oh, my God. That's insane. insane it is

soaking wet in here for those who can't visually see which is all of you shall be to the spit take that is insane you know like a whole person version of make a wish oh my god like geriatric like oh what would that be called what would you call it if it was like an old group of people who get to do one last fun thing oh man that's really make a concession i think it would be called like one last ride yeah maybe like um pour one out match point live like you were dying

what was that did you say like obama tomorrow was a friend like it got eternity to think about what you do with it what would you do with it I said what would I do with it I went skydiving I went Rocky Mountain I went 2.7 seconds

on a bullman shoes and I loved her seconds I wondered who would fuck it up and it was Colin fuck someday I hope you get the chance to live like you colin did i freeze no it here's oh for me what happened was that your audio did glitch, but in a way that it sounded like vibrato. Yeah.

That's just how I sing. Hey, Ron. You went like, da, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I love the addition of Sully. Really, I do, Colin. Thanks. Yeah, I think we do have to show our heroes. Yeah, we have to show our heroes. Our military.

Would you want him to be the version of him that is reality? Or would you want the Tom Hanks version just to sort of Hollywood it up? Oh, an animated version. Okay, show the real Bruce. That really takes the teeth out of it, doesn't it? That really lowers the stakes quite a bit, doesn't it? Yeah, sure. I'll rethink that.

We have a note that's like this is a guy who landed a plane on water and they're like well it's a cartoon and we're like no no no that was just for fun he did it in real life and we like to do jokes over here we wanted it to have zero dramatic effect what if what if like laughing wasn't a thing that existed in in the other universe i'm sorry part of my wall just truly fell down what we're trying to sell your apartment we're trying to sell the place god damn it okay mike we actually do need to believe we can't sorry um okay so what's next what else okay on this your record number three and this one is a real one not the other two are real but this one i'm And this one is a real one.

The other two are real, but this one I'm going to fight for. The smell of banana boat sunscreen. Yes. Yes. Yes. Mike's nodding too. We love it.

It's like, it's sex. Four yeses, you're going to Hollywood. It's summer. It's sexy. It's amazing. Everyone's happy when It's sexy. It's amazing. Everyone's happy when they're wearing fucking sunscreen. I want to fuck somebody when they're wearing sunscreen. I'm like, you're hot. You're hot to me right now.

Do you guys think it works? Or do you think it's just a smell? It is. Do I think sunscreen works? Sunscreen's a vibe. No, no, no. Specifically banana boat. Do you think banana boat sunscreen works?

Or that it's just a vibe? That's a good question. I'll find out in a couple centuries. Centuries. Decades. Shelby and I are. Centuries. Jesus Christ.

Shelby and I are famously a household. And of course. Yeah, we are a household. We'll be bleeped. No free clout for the girlies. Yeah. I question. Well, I was thinking.

We have to clout banana boat because. Yeah, let's get some advertisement money from banana boat on this bad boy well it's on his right it's his item yeah so what do we do bleep it out we can't bleep it it has to stay because we weren't good i mean what colin brought colin is a capitalist he brought us a brand to put on the records that's part of colin's unique record vote for reagan did you guys know that ronald reagan invented aspartame kind of no but is it okay that in this moment i don't know what aspartame is sure oh wait i don't either but i would kept going aspartame he didn't actually invent it here's what happened uh aspartame i'm asking for the listeners aspartame is an artificial sweetener used in things like diet coke which is tough to hear um for some of us and it was when it got introduced in the 80s 70s 80s

it was known by a lot of scientists to cause brain tumors and cancer and um they just pushed it through anyway at the fda and let them use let us eat it what is the product what is the bet like what is why do people include it in? Why do people include that chemical? So that they can say it's sugar free? It's an artificial, it's like, you can put it in Diet Coke and it can taste good,

but like, that's why Diet Coke tastes good, but doesn't have. It's still in there? Calories. Yeah, aspartame is still in there. Is it in the new Coke,

no sugar? I don't know. Did you see there's a new Coke? There's a new Coke. Oh, good for them. Oh, good for them. Good for them. I remember coming up with them. They are so deserving.

That's so good. They're really trying to make a change. Did you know they're like the most globally recognizable brand? Coca-Cola? Yeah, it's supposed to be like in any country you go to, like third world for like anything, they'll be able to recognize their logo. Like it's just just been like did you know that only one place in the world is allowed to alter coca-cola's recipe and i know which one it is baby say with me

that's what i thought they're allowed to add more sugar oh they make it worse yes at the cartoon clown cheeseburger restaurant they are allowed to add more sugar. Oh, they make it worse. Yes. At the Cartoon Clown Cheeseburger restaurant, they are allowed to add more sugar to Coca-Cola. The other day I came to the sort of... Shit. Just... I was faced with this and I guess I'd never really thought about it, but like... You're bisexual. Ronald McDonald...

Exactly. Yes. Thank you. Sorry, Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald House is owned by McDonaldcdonald's that is crazy well it's a charitable foundation i know but it is crazy to me that mcdonald's owns ronald mcdonald house do you know what i mean no no okay companies have charitable fund what i don't what do you what's going what what about it felt crazy to you i I want to help. That their mascot is both the face of burger weird times and also like, I don't know, Ronald McDonald House.

Yeah, sure. The sick kids live there. Just so you guys know, listeners are going to agree with me on this. That's weird. I will say, the thing that's weird to me is not that the Clown Cheeseburger restaurant owns a sick kid house. It is that they put all the sick kids in houses. I wouldn't want to do that.

Put them on a boat. Yeah, take them somewhere fun. Take them somewhere fun. I don't think I'd want them in the, just put them in a house. No, put them on a boat. Do a semester at sea. Oh my God, Ronald McDonald House Cruise. Ronald McDonald Cruise.

That would be fun ronald mcdonald boat ronald mcdonald train i looked up i looked up the other day um like train like the like first class like train cabins from la to portland because i was like what are these like you know what i mean i want to know what these are nice I don't think I could do it they look really nice but I don't think I could do it so I've looked up the Amtrak that goes like the full coast sure and I've thought about doing it before because I thought surely you could get out at the stops turns out you can't you have to stay on the train I thought it is like a slow, like almost like a road trip. Like you're like,

okay, then I stop at this place. I get off and then I get back on on the next train. It's not that way. You can get off for like 10 seconds to stretch your legs and then get back on the train. What's the point? What's the fun part? Right.

It's not good. Colin, you're going to be on trains a lot in on the East coast. Cause that's, I'm very excited. Yeah. Don't worry about it. You're excited about it. trains a lot on the East Coast. I'm very excited. Yeah, don't worry about that. You're excited about it?

I love transportation. Okay, no problem. So what else is on your records? Number four. Now this is niche. The University of Michigan's Musical Theater Department's Senior Entrance. Okay.

It is something I discovered a few years ago, and it happens every year. The senior class that year, in the fall semester, the first few weeks, they welcome all of the freshmen to the department. I'm so pleased to introduce the class of 2020. And the musical theater program at the University of Michigan is one of the most renowned musical theater programs in the country, I think the world. And it is freaking hilarious to watch these people.

They put together a 20 minute performance. And it's like to the music of like musicals, like very popular musicals, but they're making their own like words up to it. And like, it's all about the campus and whatnot whatnot i have no affiliation with this university at all but it is so every time i watch it i go i think i should be on broadway like i truly just had this like moment where i'm like i missed my goddamn chance and i pray that you guys take the time to at least watch one of them the one i the one oh the one i sent you guys it is not so caleb's watching it right now because he didn't watch it these kids these kids are very talented oh they're probably a majority of them will end up on broadway

these are very talented young people I'm watching. Very talented young people. Dad, why are you talking this way? I'm watching a group of very talented... Daddy. I don't... I don't care for musicals very often. You don't?

No. No, Caleb hates musicals, but... It says he's only seen my biz. When you see... When you see talent... When you're somebody who... When you see talent when you see when you see talent when you're somebody who when you when you see talent yeah you recognize you go like i'm looking at these these kids and i'm watching them perform their little song and it it's really you know you can't deny you have never been older before i oh my god it shall be i was thinking the exact same thing i feel like you have like a thought these young people 75 years you're like now these kids i'm looking at these young

promise okay and i remember having that sparkly my eye but uh they just do they're performing you know what it is i'm watching these young people and they're performing like people they're barely younger than you they're seniors in college i'm watching these kids do their little dance and song and i i look at them and i am saying the energy of this performance could only come from young people there's just so much youth and vibrance in it now you haven't seen kristen chenoweth she doesn't have what these kids have yes Yeah, she does. Kristen Chenoweth has that. I don't know. Kristen Chenoweth wants what these kids have.

I'm sorry. These kids have another level of energy that I, that does not exist in most human beings. It is. You're saying it doesn't exist in Kristen Chenoweth. I think she used to have it. I think she used to have it just like chlorophyll. It fades away.

And that's right. Oh my God. Call it chlorophyll. Isn't what chlorophyll chlorophyll. It fades away. And that's where the plants are, right? Oh my God. Colin. Isn't it chlorophyll? Isn't what chlorophyll? Chlorophyll in a leaf? Colin. Chlorophyll. You can't say that.

You can't say that about Kristen. She listens to the pod. I love Kristen Chenoweth. Let me tell you that. Yeah, if anything, I am booming my stock with Kristen. I can't believe you're not moving to LA. That pivot, that's an LA pivot. That's an LA pivot.

To be like, her luster has left her body. She is- But I love her. But I love that bitch. But I love her. I'll die for her any day. No, this is very good. Are you jealous of the children

in the video yes I am jealous because there was a moment in time I think I started watching these videos like right after I graduated college

and I said can I go back to grad school like for musical theater and then I was like I can't sing so I can't where did you go

to school Colin did you go to Michigan I went to the University of Illinois so they're rivals classic classic classic classic classic classic

but their people are just so goddamn good and like all of them I went to the University of Illinois. So they're rivals. Classic, classic, classic, classic. Classic, classic, classic. But their people are just so goddamn good. And like all of them go on to do like different shows and shit right after. They're all going to be in Evan Hansen or Mean Girls or whatever. They're very talented. Colin, if you could be in one musical, which one would it be? There is a musical that I have not seen. Oh, I know.

Legally Blonde. Yeah. That's so fun. I'm Elle Woods. I love that. Bold, adventurous, new. I was going to say, did you want to do,

because Shark in the Water is sort of a banger, but so is Ireland. Ireland is fun. Colin, I think you have one more thing to put on your records before we wrap up yeah i do um this is one of my favorite things of all time it brings me happiness i think it would bring other people happiness too because it kind of shows just like humanity to its core and it's bloopers i think blooper reels are like so funny I used to watch I would like not

watch a show but I would watch all of the blooper reels for that show you know what I mean yes I love a blooper reel there's almost I feel like sometimes they used to do I don't know I feel like there used to be more of them is that okay to say do you remember like at the end of sometimes a movie they would do it at the end of the movie during the credits?

Now that was magic. The most magical credit sequence I have seen in a long time for a film. Have either of you seen Jennifer Hudson as Aretha Franklin in Respect? No. Sorry. They played over the credits. No, no, that's okay. They played over the credits no no that's okay they played over the credits uh that

video of actual aretha franklin uh doing um you make me feel like a natural woman at the kennedy center honors for carol king they almost just started singing it like we did live like you're dying and and it just would have sounded so incredibly you make me feel you make me feel. You make me feel. You make me feel like a natural woman. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so what was the blooper? No blooper.

It was, Shelby said movie credits. Shelby said movie credits. Sorry, Colinin fuck your thing i'm doing the first thought was i'm doing i'm doing a to c i'm doing me y'all ever done improv before yeah new choice um caleb said new choice yeah yeah that's people's records new choice no i love bloopers too the thing i love most about bloopers is that people get embarrassed yes which is how they should that's how fun should be i think you can also tell in a blooper reel if the director is cool or not because there's sometimes where they'll like laugh for a while it seems like they're having a good time and then there's sometimes where

someone will mess up and you'll see it in the blooper reel and then they'll like get really apologetic or like sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry and you're like oh that director is mean to them they aren't nice they're not cool they're so scared yeah but then there's the ones where they're like like there's like a full scene that they try and run and they're like breaking i feel like parks and rec had so many good bloopers they have so many they have a blooper where um i don't know who it is maybe chris pratt where he like slides over across the table and then like throws a briefcase and it like hits the light switch on the wall and breaks it like the way that in which he threw it like like literally shatters the light switch and they have like they

have no lights for the rest of the production day i don't know if that's true but i'm making that they never got to shoot the show again that was the finale because they couldn't get that was the finale that's actually why the show ended amy's pissed i really do love bloopers i think it's so fun to see people it's it really is one of the most comedic things in the world because people are so surprised it has such an element of surprise to be like oh i fucked up it's so isn't it so funny that i fucked up just now yeah i agree yeah yeah yeah it's a good addition there should just be like bloopers and like normal jobs there is you know i like the christmas party everyone shows like you know oopsie you put

the wrong you put the decimal in the wrong place and that's why we all lost our money god comedians talking about what we think real jobs are. I was like, oops, putting the wrong decibel. There's blue person, real jobs. Like when they go to the press, they go to the CEO,

they say they memo is wrong facts. So they send the facts. Yeah, there's no way I can do a real job. I'm so sick. They suck. They're bad. Wait, Colin, we have one last question for you. Yes.

If you had to delete something from the records, that's just like so embarrassing that you just don't want them to know about it but it doesn't have to be big stuff what would it be yeah no it doesn't have to be big um it would be wedding hashtags yes yes yes yes yes yes bitch yes bitch yes bitch yes bitch yes bitch yes they are oh there's one thing about them and that is they are functional and they were created for a purpose yes but it's like it's like it's just like i agree people who are not creative attempting to be creative and doing a poor job i fucking hate what i hate weddings i hate wedding hashtags they're the worst part of

seeing people go to weddings they're so stupid they're never funny i hate they're always it's also extremely gendered they're always like yeah you know i mean they're always like go in like it's always like i can't even do it she's submitted to hit like yeah yeah yeah yeah literally no literally it's like it's like his his name is like his middle name is mitt or something. So they're like, she submitted. It's like, it's stupid. Ew. No, it'll be like marrying someone named Chris and it'll be like, she found her kit.

Chris said, get my kitchen. Like, it'll be like something. Yes. She's staying in the Christian tonight. His name's Sam. It's like,

she made her sandwich. It's like, yeah, literally. I, I did see, His name's Sam. His name's Sam and it's like, she made her sandwich. It's like, yuck. Literally. I did see a gay couple with a wedding hashtag and I had to log off for the day. Do you remember what it was? I was like, I need some time. I do not. These faggots were out of control.

I was like, get it. Get the fag off the TV. I'm not watching that. I expect better behavior. Wedding hashtags would be fine if it was literally like, Caleb Heron and Shelly Wolstein wedding. Yes. That's worse. That's so much worse.

I gotta say. You don't want to marry me? No, I want to marry you. I just don't. Colin, take your headphones out. That's not a fun hashtag. If you guys do a hashtag, I won't come to the wedding. I won't go to the wedding. Anyway, no matter what. No matter what. Colin, look, here's the truth. if you guys do a hashtag i won't come to the wedding i won't go to the wedding anyway no matter what yeah no matter what colin look here's the truth i hate to lay it out i hate to lay it i

hate to give it to you raw like lay it out but that's that's our hashtag give it to me raw kelvin shelby hit it raw from behind iconic episode of the pod um look colin you've been an incredible guest we fuck with you we love you i love you guys and we just want to know where can people find you oh my god in chicago right now in my fucking apartment i can't get out of um well the walls are falling down no it's not no it's not. Oh my God. Can you believe it? You can find me on Twitter and on TikTok at at ballinrork. Oh God, I got to remember my fucking handles.

And you can find me on Instagram at at collinrork. I think my Twitter is at ballin underscore rork. Who knows? You'll find me somewhere. We'll tag you. We'll tag. We'll tag the king. Thank you so much. This was a blast. Love you guys. Bye. Bye'll tag you. We'll tag. We'll tag the king. Thank you so much.

This was a blast. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. Love you guys. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.