Keeping Records - Truly No Worries

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

Live (not really!) from the brand new Headgum Studios (yes really!) it's everybody's favorite comedy/friendship duo Caleb Hearon and Shelby Wolstein!!!! Our first in-studio episode has something for everyone: Caleb trying to cry on command and then blaming everyone else in the studio when he can't; Shelby revealing that God is her social media manager; the two of them reconciling after a near-show-ending fight about potato chip flavors; and Caleb's mom texting to ask a question that's been on all of our minds lately: "What is Netflix?" No answer is given. Of course, Caleb and Shelby also turned to you, their lil freaks, to see what you've been wanting to add/delete from the Golden Record these days: Your Record Additions Kwik Trip (Place) One Direction's Performance of "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia on X Factor at Simon Cowell's House (Audio-Visual) Dill Pickle Flavored Chips (Snack) Finding a Loaded Gift Card You Forgot You Had (Currency)  Your Deletions When Escalators Are Out of Order (Inconvenience) P.S. If you like it when Caleb and Shelby sing, this is the ep for you. Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konichiwa.

Hola y saludo satou. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, We haven't ever done this podcast like this The last time we recorded even in the same room Was when we lived in North Hollywood That's not true

No, you're right We recorded very briefly in the same room When we lived in Boyle Heights And then you said, no more of this I gotta be in my bed Yeah, yeah It was hard, it was hard doing it that way Because we had the computer screen

And we had to look at our guest And then I had your eyes in the actual room with me, and that really was too much for me. And now look at us. And now look at us. We're in our beautiful – we built this. We built this. It took us with –

Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Never mind. No, do it. We built this. Cut. Cut. We built this. Hold on. We're going to cut all that out. We built this. Cut. Cut. We built this.

Hold on. We're going to cut all that out. We built this. And then you do? Yeah, we went to the store. We went to the store. We went to the room store. We said, we're going to build a room.

We went to Ikea. Ikea. The room store. The room store to IKEA. Like, ****. The **** at the room store. The room store. Wait, scratch that. Just like a Swedish brand. We went to a Swedish-themed room store that sells meatballs. Yeah. And you guys get, no for the girls, but whatever that means to you is where we headed to get sort of the concepts together to build this room.

Do you think you could get yourself to cry right now? If I needed to. Even if I didn't need to. Cry off. Cry off, okay? Ready? Go. Okay, don't look at me.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I did this the other day. Oh, my eyes are already watering. No. Wow, Shelby. You're not. Are you doing okay?

You're not well. It's not fair to compete with you because you're not well are you doing okay? You're not well. It's not fair to compete with you because you're not well. It isn't fair to compete with me. I cry a lot. Ooh, the girl who's been crying three times a day every day. I'm not going to play. She cries more than she eats, baby. I'm not going to play.

She cries more than she eats. Do I need to be checking in? You're eating three times a day, though? Couldn't be me. I'm crying three times a day? You're eating three times a day, though? Couldn't be me. I'm crying three times a day. You're crying three times a day, and then how many times a day are you eating? Two, normally. Two?

Okay. Meals. I mean, I'm snacking. I forgot to eat for 24 hours recently. That sometimes happens to me. Yeah? I felt really powerful. I was like, I could be the thinnest person in the world if I keep this up.

Or the most passed away. I would solve a lot of problems, wouldn't it? No, no, no. No, no, hey. No, I like being alive. I do sometimes, though. I know that there's some comedian in the world who does this bit. And I'm not trying to do their bit because I'm not kidding.

But I really do sometimes. Like, I haven't been suicidal in a long time since college thank God but sometimes when I have to do like a task

like I had to clean my car the other day and I was like if I just killed myself I wouldn't have to I factually would not have to clean my car the car would just

someone else would handle it someone else would have to take care of the car I know because my dad just died and we had to do all that shit and I was like God I wish he would have cleaned this out before Someone else who does take care of the car. I know. Because my dad just died. And we had to do all that shit. And I was like, God, I wish he would have cleaned this out before it passed.

But I think that, you know, how easy it would be. Oh, everything would be done. But I like being alive, ultimately. Ultimately. Yeah. I have, I think I've sometimes had that thought, but I sometimes have a worse thought, which is, God, I need to do this task because if I die, someone will find it in the state that it is. Like, right now my apartment is messy. And I'm like, if I died today.

I would have to get in there. Someone else would come and be like, she lives like this. Someone else. I think it would be me. I think it would be like me and like Lindsay. Gabby. And that's like it. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh. like Lindsay Gabby and that's like it yeah oh oh no I mean like that's the most obvious that's the obvious trio yeah yeah no that's it oh no worries

I was hoping there would be a small crew of people grieving my death I want to play a song for you this is a song

that makes me happy to be alive okay this song is called Can I Leave Me Too I want to play a song for you. This is a song that makes me happy to be alive. Okay. This song is called Can I Leave Me Too by the Greeting Committee. Greeting Committee, great Kansas City band. Well, great band in general, but they're my friends from Kansas City. Hear this.

Hear. Now. Now hear this. Now this. News. Oh. Immediately. Absolutely deep guttural bass. Why does everybody drive the same car you do?

Right. So true. You like that bass? Everyone drives the Kia Soul. Everybody does drive the same car I do. Wait for it. So true. This is where it really gets fun.

Isn't that fun? Woo. Leave me to. Leave me to. We can cut it. Did you like that? I did. I can't really hear you when it's on.

I know. That was kind of the fun part to me. That's fun. I'm guessing what you're saying. And you were right. How about the we need to... We should start a band, right? I'm thinking so.

Shouldn't we start a band? Yeah, what instruments do you play? I'm like, I feel like it's obvious that I would be vocal. Right? Oh. Right? I mean. Cool.

What instruments do you play? Yeah. I mean, how many have I dabbled in or how many do I play? What did I ask? I'm getting good at finding that. I asked how many do I play? What did I ask? I'm getting good at finding out. I asked how many instruments you play. How many have I taken a lesson in? That's not what I asked, is it?

Right now I'm playing. What was the text of my question? Well, currently I'm not. Like in this moment, there's no instruments in the room, unfortunately. So I can't. Not the question though, is it? I didn't say what instruments are you playing as we speak. I said what instruments do you play?

Do I, in the way that, so like, what instruments do I play when I walk into a guitar center? Well, whatever they'll serve me. Whatever they'll have me play, I'll play. I say, what do I look like to you? What would you be capable of playing? Capable? So, I mean, it can be, it's such a wide. I'm going to keep it real with you.

You're not in the band. You're not in the band. I'm at least back up vocals. I don't think so. I think we could maybe use a graphic designer and maybe I would call you on a case by case basis. But just based on how you've been. I think I'm in the band. What's that? I think I'm in the band. What's that? I think I'm in the band.

Based on how you've been about the instruments, I really see you being more of a support role. I'll list you. Any city we go to, I'll list you. But. I gotta be in the band. What can you do for us? I can.

And don't say vocals, because you know that's my thing. I can do vocals on girl say vocals, because you know that's my thing. I can do vocals on girl songs. Oh, fuck. I forgot we would have to gender our songs. Exactly. I forgot we would have to gender the songs.

Okay. Nice. And then I think for the shows, we wear all white, but the lighting for girl songs is pink. Right. And then for the boy songs, it's blue. Blue or green. Yeah. Blue. Green is non-binary. I think one of our blue or green. Blue. Green is non-binary.

I think one of our boy songs would be like what is non-binary? What's that? What did you say? Green. The color. Oh I didn't hear you.

I think one of the boy songs I thought you were asking what is non-binary and I was like What are non-binary people? I was like well now hold on. Here's a sample

for a boy song. Going to the beach in my Jeep. Actually, have I told you about – Have you told me? You've told me? I think I've said it on the pod a couple times. I don't think you have said it on the pod. But you have told me specifically quite a few times.

The other day I almost bought a Jeep Wrangler. Right. Day of. I had the idea. I almost went and bought one. Right. And then I cleaned my car and I said, no, that was what I needed. I needed to clean the Kia.

And then once I cleaned it, I was like, oh, I don't need a Jeep. Woke up the next day. Need a Jeep. I felt something so deep within me that said, go buy a Jeep Wrangler today. Take the top off. Ride around with the boys. And what I've seen every time that you've told someone in front of me, forgot that he's ever told me, has told people in front of me, you know, it's been kind of, is that they

consistently tell you about the safety hazards. Yeah. Nobody more than you. Actually, last time I didn't open my mouth. Well, you did. Someone said, oh, don't those roll easily? And you said, Caleb hates when you bring that up. Because you bring it up so much that you've gotten reprimanded.

Hmm. This was fun, though. What do you mean? Recording. Recording. You keep – every time I say I want a Jeep Wrangler, you say, oof. They roll. They roll. No, I told – the first time you told me.

Now, you don't – I have exaggerated. You haven't told me specifically more than the one time. But you've told people in front of me multiple times. I think it would be awesome. And they bring it up. Don't you think it would be awesome? Yeah. Don't you want me to have an awesome life?

I'm just saying if we were to go to like Colorado, I would have to drive. And that's fine. You have never taken me to Colorado. We've been in Colorado together. But you didn't take me there. We only stopped because we were moving to LA together, which was fine. Moving to LA together was fine. That process worked out fine.

It worked out okay. Ultimately, I got stuck on a mountain. My mom and I's moving truck. Your car died. My cat starved for two days. My car died. Your cat wasn't well. Starved for two days?

Remember when your car died and it locked her food inside? I didn't know her food was inside. I wondered why you were being such a bitch about that. Oh, well, because my mom was pretty pissed. We got there so much later than we planned. And I fell asleep for a second in the car. My mom got so angry with me.

Yeah. And also she said she wanted to listen to Jack Johnson. I said, no worries. I remember this. I remember this too. I said, I said, no worries. I remember this. I said, no worries, no worries,

no worries. I put on the green music platforms. Yeah. Jack Johnson radio. This is Jack Johnson.

And September came on. Do you remember? And I was sleeping a little and my mom woke me up to be like, why am I listening to wedding music? September came on. Do you remember? And I was sleeping a little. And my mom woke me up to be like, why am I listening to wedding music? Well, it's her.

I was like, Jack's on radio. I didn't select. She didn't ask for radio. She asked for Jack Johnson. She said songs like Jack Johnson. Oh, that's her mistake. Exactly. And I wouldn't say that those are similar.

I will go with her on the ride that Jack Johnson and September are different playing for you. I think there's a world where these are picnic music. Right. This is picnic songs. And she got upset. And then I was sleeping and she was kind of mad because she had to be awake to drive. So then. I'm sorry.

It's also hilarious to be like, I have to stay up to drive. Put on some Jack Johnson. I gotta be up. September was a gift. September was a gift. That was a... Put on banana pancakes. I gotta helm this ship.

She said, oh God, I have to stay awake. Making banana pancakes. Pretend that it... She said, put on the stay in bed all day song. I gotta helm the ship. I got to take over. But then we get there and we were like, God, we got to stay. We're staying at a hotel.

And we tried to get Bugs litter box and food out of your car, which happened to be dead. And we couldn't get into it because you had to get inside of it. We needed it. Yeah. And so Bug couldn't eat because Bug famously refuses to eat wet food. And the only thing they had at the hotel was the front desk person's lunch, which was a can of tuna. The front desk person offered you their lunch?

He was like, I have tuna. And I was like, she won't eat it. Please keep your tuna. And my mom was like, we would like the tuna. You're not allowed this? And I said, Bug won't eat it. And he seems to think he will. You want to hear something really heartbreaking?

Sure. So I told a lie to a very nice person. Basically what happened was I was in Kansas City recently. And as you know, my dad died. So I stayed a little bit longer. Just say it as fast as you possibly can. My dad died which is not so I stayed a little bit longer just say it as fast as you possibly can my dad died

and I stayed a little bit longer and then the Chiefs were playing in the playoffs as you know yeah against

against the Los Angeles Rams oh no playing in the playoffs the Bengals the Bengals she was playing the Bengals in the playoffs and I was in Kansas City and my. The Bengals. She was playing the Bengals in the playoffs.

And I was in Kansas City, and my friend Chance, shout out Chance Nichols, friend of the pod, was in LA, and he loves the Chiefs. And I was like, oh, he should fly to Kansas City and watch the Chiefs game with us, because I'm going to be in town. We're going to have a big watch party, do a whole thing. Well, I have like $500 or $600 in credit that I was like, I'm just going to buy him a plane ticket to come out. But you can't, it has to expire first before you can turn it into points, and points are I have like five or six hundred dollars in like credit that I was like I'm just gonna buy him a plane ticket to come out

but you can't it has to expire first before you can turn it into points and points are the only way that you can get transfer it right

which is a fucked up we'll bleep that airline's name but it's an airline I don't fly with anymore cause I don't like the way

they do things most people do most people love it well they don't have first class. And so I had this old flight money, but it hadn't expired yet, I guess. And so I couldn't buy him a ticket. So I called and was like, hi, my dad just died.

And my cousin needs to come to town for my dad. And my cousin needs to come to town for – My dad just died. And my cousin needs to come to town for stuff. And I was like, there's stuff. There's all kinds of stuff and my cousin has to be here. And this woman I was talking to was so sweet. She was like, oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, there's nothing – like I wish I could change this over. There's just nothing I can do.

There's no way in the system to even make it happen. But here's what I'm going to do. I get personal points from work that I've built up over. There's just nothing I can do. There's no way in the system to even make it happen. But here's what I'm going to do. I get personal points from work that I've built up over the last couple years. And I'm going to send them to your account right now. I was like, no! No, I was like, no, you can't do that. She was like, I'm already doing it. She was like, I'm already moving.

And I was like, no, you really, I was like, you literally can't. I just, I just, I was like, hold on a second. Okay. Yeah. I'll tell, I'm like faking a conversation. I'm like, my aunt, my aunt's nowhere to be found. I'm like, my aunt just said she has, she has something on American. She's going to, and the woman goes, I've already started.

Are you sure I can't just transfer these over to you? And I was like, yeah, my aunt, we really wants to do it on. And I like started freaking out because I'm like, this woman is trying to. She's going to give you like $2,000 in her own credit. She's like a customer service rep at an airline. I know she's not just like swimming in, giving out flight point. It was bad. It was bad what was about to happen.

And I felt horrible because I also could have just bought him a flight. But I was like, oh, all I wanted was to be able to use my money for this. And she would try to give me her points and I freaked out I was so scared can I tell you what I think airline should start doing she didn't give me the points I didn't allow it and then I we didn't buy him you know she didn't give him the points and she didn't give me the points he would never allow that I didn't allow it if you're out there god bless you you. We love you, girl. I love looking at camera. I didn't allow her to give me the points.

Cry. Hold on, hold on, hold on. But you have to shut up. Hold on. Everyone shut up. Everyone shut up. I can do it. Hold on.

I can do this. It's just like you have to – like on set, on set people would not be goofing around right now. So if you're in casting or anything. Caleb has offers dropping by the way. If you're industry on set, people would be reverent. Hold on. His agents are dropping him. My agent.

Hello? Okay. No? That's no worries. That's truly no worries. It was an honor to work with you guys. Yeah, and if you know anyone. Okay.

Love it. That was such a sad phone call. Yeah, no, it felt that way. Maybe it'll make you cry even. Hold on. If we were on set, people would be like, you know, quiet and stuff like that. Hold for sound. I'm not going to be able to get it right now.

We're going to cut this. We're going to cut this. No, we're giving it in. I just want to say one thing. If you're industry, I have cried. The last movie I worked on, ask them. I cried for it. And I was really, really, really powerful on screen.

And the reason I can't cry in here is because, first of all, it's a comedy building. It's in Silver Lake. It's painted like a fucking clown building. It's like literally ridiculous. Jeffrey James is out there like literally clowning. He may as well be juggling. He left, but he was out there earlier. He has like a clown energy presence.

I came in, he did a bit with me immediately. It's like a clown build. It's like a clown factory. He did a bit with you immediately? Immediately. You know what the bit was? He ignored me.

And he pretended to take a phone call from you. I was going to say, his energy was very, He involved you very into the computer when I came in. So just, you know, I, you know. No, it was fine. Nobody's going to probably drop you. I have, like, very serious, like, my managers and agents, they know what I'm capable of. And if they see this, like, they should just look back on other things.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes! and if they see this like they should just look back on other things yeah oh yeah yes yeah do you want to hear a song that I want to play for you yeah can it be a sad one can it be kind of sad

I could really use it right now do you want a sad one or do you want a happy one I will cry by the end of this episode mark my words home viewers I will cry by the end of this episode. Mark my words, home viewers.

I will cry by the end of this episode. Shelby, let's hear your little song. Well, do you want it to be a sad one? I can change my song to a sad one. No, pick whatever you were going to pick. Anya, let's play Shelby's little song, whether it's sad or not. Okay. I wanted to play you.

Okay. My Way is by, I think, Sicko. Could be Psycho. Could be Psycho. Okay. My Way is by, I think, Sicko. Could be Psycho. Could be Psycho. Okay. Okay. Kind of the same bass from before. Just trying to cry.

You have to be quiet. This song bangs too hard to cry. What are you, in euphoria? This is so sad. Shut up. I need a fluffy couch. Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up. Down, sleep, down, breathe in, breathe out. Always, I've been stuck on things a long time. My dreams, I'll sleep in my room, I'm slowing down. Always, I've been dreaming, I'm just fading.

Always, I don't feel the same. Fuck. That's really good. Hold on. Don't cut it, Anya. What, I'm just supposed to trust that you cried? I was so close. Let me down. I was so close. I was so close at one point.

Yeah, no, I bet. But then you started like shuffling around in your seat. Well, sorry that the song bangs. Did you like the song? It was really powerful. It's moving. And I could have cried to it even. You think.

The only way to cry to that song is if you're in the show euphoria. Anya, will you play, what? Do we need to go to a break? Psycho. Oh, the thing is pronounced psycho. Psycho. And then also... Oh, also, Tender thinks that me and a guy named John should get to know each other.

Okay. And he'll be in my Discover until tomorrow. And Kamala would like me to donate $15 to the DNC. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Just silence in the headphones is fine. Okay. There was a new climate change report that came out today.

It was really devastating. So sad. What's going to happen with all of that? Yeah, with everything. That's the saddest thing you can think of that's happening right now. The climate change? I think probably saddest thing you can think of that's happening right now. The climate change? I think probably saddest right now is Ukraine. You're so right.

No, you're literally right. What's going on over there is a tragedy. No, now you're coming off taste. No, it literally is, and I'm trying to channel that because it's true. Just give me a second. This is Michael Barbaro. You're listening to The Daily. Well, if this is how you're going to cry in a movie, I think probably just don't cry.

Well, no, but on a set there would be such a different atmosphere. Yeah, but the staring is going to be off-putting in the film. Well, it wouldn't be like that. In whatever film. If you were being a good scene partner, I wouldn't have to like... Okay, let's do a scene. Okay. What's the scene? What's the setting?

Well, you're my commander at war. And we're at war. And my best friend just died and you're telling me the news. Okay. You talk first. You're going to have to. The war is on the moon also, by the way. No worries.

I'm in my. And we're also secret gay lovers. You and me or you and the friend that died? Me and you and the friend that died. You know about the friend being one of my gay lovers, but I don't know that you know. We're on the moon and we don't work for any countries. We just work for Earth. Okay.

You can start whenever you're ready. Hey, Commander, where's Josh? Sorry. Sorry. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

Cut the cameras. Cut the cameras. Okay. Okay. the cameras. God, the cameras. Okay, hold on. Hold on. No, fuck. I literally can't stop being funny. Like you saw, I was supposed to do something dramatic there, and I couldn't stop being funny.

Sometimes you can. Okay. Okay, hold on. Okay. Hey, Commander, have you seen Josh around? I was like, okay, you should start. You should start. You should start. Okay, you should start. You should start. You should start.

Okay, you should start for sure. I'm cleaning my gun or something. Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing over there? Cleaning my gun. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't ask me what I'm doing.

Can you start a different way? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, new scene. Okay. Hey, you have a minute way? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, new scene. Okay. Hey, you have a minute? What'd you say? Oh, sorry.

Do you have a minute? Yeah, what's up? This isn't, like, one of our sexy times. Oh. What's wrong? You know about the battle from yesterday. On Mars?

On Mars. Yeah? And you know that Josh was there? Yeah, how is he? I think it's more appropriate to say, how was he?

God, that's how you're gonna tell me? Well, how... You're gonna just change the tense? Okay, no, no, no. Back in this scene. Okay. That's how you're going to tell me? You're going to just change the tense? Okay, no, no, no. Back in the scene. Okay. That's how they wrote the scene.

I died. No, you should write. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll change it, I guess, if that's okay. Sorry, I'm checking with the writers. Is that okay? It's okay. What's action?

Okay, action. Hey. Oh, sorry. Hey. How's it going? Sorry, I can't talk right now I'm cleaning my gun Do you mind stopping for a second?

Oh is that an order? I just Yeah Sorry this isn't I don't want it Is that an order? No it's just This isn't a sexy conversation

Oh Josh Love him I know Josh Love him I know He was really brave yesterday Awesome And And he's alive I trust

No He That's what I was trying to I didn't want it to come out that way But And he's alive, I trust. No. He, um, that's what I was trying to, I didn't want it to come out that way. But, um, he was taken from us yesterday. And I... You're going to actually cry. You're going to actually cry. I'm not going to. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Just cut. No, I don't want to actually cry. You're going to actually cry. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Just cut. No, I don't want to play anymore. I don't actually want to play anymore. Unfortunately, your agents are calling me once again. Oh, they had a spot on your roster that's opened up. That's not really how it works, but. That's awesome. Now you're taking new people and I'm the guy.

We don't even do the same kind of – we're not even the same type, so that wouldn't make a ton of sense. We play similar roles. Sorry, that was to Caleb. Sorry, I don't know if it's weird to bring him up. Why would it be weird? Well, because you had a previous work relationship. Hold on, they're calling me.

Hello? You're just hung up. It's my agents. Former agents, by the way. We're better than ever? We're better than ever? They're not calling you because they're calling me right now. You're lying.

Oh, they just hung up. Answer it. I feel weird doing that in front of you again. No, go ahead. It's fine. I don't mind. Effective immediately. Sorry, I'm getting a call.

One second. Oh, it's a different agency. Hello? No, yeah. I think I... Sorry, Caleb is being really distracting right now. Sorry, I'm getting a call from a big agency. Big.

One of the top ones. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah, no, I'll stop by. Sounds good. Whoa, biggest movie ever? $20 million and I don't even have to leave home? And I get sex?

There's sex stuff? Oh. The line cut out. I'm sorry. Mine's going fine. Yeah, just have my lawyers look over it. I'm just going to call my mom quick. Plural.

I have multiple lawyers. I'm going to call my mom quick. Okay. Your mom's calling me. Fuck. Hello? She always does this. Hey, Jillian.

What's up, girl? Always good to hear from you, too. I'm going to call her. Stop, bitch. You're crazy. Oh, she just hung up. Straight to voicemail for me. Oh.

Okay. Well. Lost service, I guess. If you're not getting any more calls, I guess we should just do the pod. I think we should take a break. Okay, let's get a break. Welcome back, even. Well, welcome back.

People are going to be upset with us. People are going to be mad at us. Oh, no, you're crying. Oh, no. This is serious. We've loved. God damn it. We've.

We've loved Welcome Bark. We have loved. I'm just going to address you guys right into camera one. And I'm going to address you guys into camera three. We've loved Welcome Bark. But it has to go because it's become embarrassing to us. I'm so sick of you. So you're so – you're such a disturbed individual. You're so – to take my thing.

Well, if it was your thing, you might be able to do it. Okay, but we have to focus. Welcome, Bark. We have loved every single Bark wolf. Every breed. Every temperament, even. But it's time. It's time.

You're giving Julia Roberts right now. Give me some more. We know one of the most important things you can do is know when it's time to say goodbye. When it's time. When it's time to what? Say goodbye. Say the full words. Hit the G and the B on goodbye

Say goodbye Oh that actually was really powerful Incredible director And um That's what we're gonna do Welcome Bark has to end And here's why I'm sure music is swelling behind us already

We got sued We got sued by... Big Dog. Big Dog. The brand. The clothing brand. And they said, we couldn't ask our guests to bark anymore

because it's embarrassing to us personally. And we wanted to fight them in court. But HeadGum is run by cowards who, Jake and Amir, who wouldn't take it. And Marty, I will say.

And I hesitate to involve him. But they won't let us take it to court. Because we've been borrowing the company Miata without permission. And sometimes your actions catch up with you. We took the company Miata to Malibu

and we drove the PCH in it. And I wasn't driving. And Sam got in the carburetor. I wasn't driving. Shelby was driving and she was drunk. Shelby was drunk driving the company Miata.

She was cross-faded. She was drunk and also upset. So she got the car into a little bit of trouble. Yeah. Got it stuck in a sand dune. And now we are not allowed to go to court because we cost ourselves our budget for the year. In legal fees. Well, yeah.

So now we're also being sued by Jake and Amir. Yeah. So we are being sued by Jake and Amir. Yeah. So we are being sued by Jake and Amir. We are being sued by Big Dog, the corporation. And we are just not allowed to fight any of it.

Yeah. And so Welcome Bark is over. But it lives on in your hearts. And it lives on in 50 plus episodes. Well, I guess maybe 40 something episodes because we didn't

do it the whole time. Yeah, we didn't start it. Yeah, it came about pretty organically and it's going to die the same way. Do you want to say any final words about Woken Bark? Maybe a final bark? What kind of dog? Rottweiler.

And he's angry because he hasn't had lunch. Those are big. Okay, no worries. Usually kind of a little dog on a guy, but I'll try a big one. Yeah. That was really beautiful. That's not the kind I wanted. Can I tell you something? No, that was really beautiful. I thought it was going to be a different sound. No, that was really beautiful. No, that was really beautiful. No, that was really beautiful. I thought it was going to have more scratch. Did you? It had almost none.

Huh. So. Well. Do you want to give a last bark? No, I'm okay. Give one. You have to. Okay, okay, okay.

They're clamoring. Okay, tell me what kind of dog. Mastiff. Inaccurate. You've never hung out with a Mastiff. I had Mastiffs for years. Proof? Cleopatra and Tallulah.

Proof? Will pictures suffice? If you can prove that they're not doctored. Okay. So. What'd you say? What's up? This was awesome.

I'm gonna head out. But. You're gonna go? You're gonna finish the episode by yourself. Oh, okay. You guys. This next song is by Sam Smith. Originally.

What's up? If I'm finishing the episode by myself I'm doing karaoke you know that yeah so then maybe I better not leave then huh oh okay

do you have stuff from the guests or the people you want to say from the people from the people of the pod yeah hey

you got access to this you want to look at the list yeah but I'm really sad right now. Okay, no worries. Let me know when we can move on.

We can, okay. I'm just going to focus on me right now. Okay, from the, oh, I went to the wrong account. I went to my burner account I went to my burner Where I post about politics What? You follow that don't you? I post political memes

Is that real? My burner My insta burner Where I post political memes This is fake Yeah this is fake I was like What's up?

Okay So we asked you Our loyal fans fans on Instagram, what you might – how do we phrase it? Quick. We said quick. Three things on your records. A lot of people just put one. Okay. Well, the boxes are small.

Yeah, I hear that. Quick trip. Oh, have you ever been to a quick trip, Shelby? Yeah. Cleanest bathrooms in the country. In the country or cleanest gas station bathrooms in the country? Cleanest gas station bathrooms in the country. In the country or cleanest gas station bathrooms in the country? Cleanest gas station bathrooms in the country. If you ever find yourself needing to take a poo or a pee even.

Do you know how happy some supervisor of Quick Trip that's listening to this would be? Do you think we have? If you're a Quick Trip employee, reach out in our DMs. It would be awesome to hear from you and just tell you thank you in person. Well, probably over a video. Or just even a voice note. Don't reach out. Don't reach out. I changed my mind.

But thank you for your work, for real. I've never heard... Have you heard One Direction's rendition of Torn? By Natalie Imbruglia? Yeah. Imbruglia? Apparently they did it on X Factor at Simon Cowell's house. Anya, could we find that?

Could you find the Simon Cowell's house performance of Torn by One Direction? Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say I'm fascinated to hear it. Anya, could you find the performance of Torn by One Direction at Simon Cowell's house? That would be awesome. And do it fast. And Anya's crying, which is, that makes two of us. Anya's gonna quit this job before we get to know her. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. One act, desperate not to disappoint. One act, desperate not to disappoint. A boy band, One Direction. Like Bellamy, the five boys auditioned as soloists. But the judges decided to put them together as a group at Boot Camp. Boot camp. This is a lifeline.

We've got a real shot here, guys. But as their performance approaches, there's a problem. Simon Cowell's house ran out of electricity. And he cut off his foot. And it's swollen up really bad. And they sent him to the hospital. I think we might have watched all of that. And they were adding or deleting this? Adding.

Alright. Wait till Harry comes in. I'm sure that'll be better. And they were adding or deleting this? Adding. All right. Wait till Harry comes in. I'm sure that'll be better. Maybe it gets better. I don't know. Oh, God. Okay. This song probably shouldn't be sang by men.

This is not good. This is genuine. You know what this is? What? This is like eighth grade choir chorus. And they're like, what song do you guys want to sing? They have the list of songs that they make you sing. And they're like, for the finale, it's going to be whatever song you choose.

And they chose Torn by Natalie and Bruglia. And this is the rendition that the middle school choir teacher put together. Yeah, and the boys are... Can you believe that they were so successful after this come yeah it's just not you keep hoping yeah what's going on they also just sound a little british whoever's singing right now sounds british yeah we can cut that i don't that. I don't like that. I don't like that.

That's upsetting to me. Sorry, guys. Whoever added that, we love you. This person says they're going to delete when the moving walkway doesn't work at the airport. I'm going to delete when any form of moving escalators, elevators, moving walkway, any time they're not moving, particularly escalators, though, because you can technically still use them, and people do. Same with walkways. Hate it. They should be moving.

The moving walkway actually even weirder when they block that off because it's like, what? That's just the floor. That's just the ground. It's the floor now. I should be able to walk there. Easily. No problem. It should be simple.

Escalators don't feel like regular steps, though, so they're really upsetting to walk up. And walk down. 100. And walk down. 100%. And walk down. They feel harder to do. Like, I might fall. Yeah, I don't feel well. There's a higher likelihood that I will not make it to my destination.

Yeah, I don't feel well. Let's see. The satisfaction of, oh, I don't want to. The way that they worded that made me upset. Here's one that I would never read out loud because it gives attention to somebody that I don't respect. This one asks, are you guys recording an ep right now?

Love it. Wow. Yes. Good news. Good news, girl. Yes, we are. Dill pickle flavored chips. Have you had dill pickle flavored chips?

Yes. And you know what? Our friend Allie Panku. Who we love. Who we love does dill pickle flavored popcorn pretty often. How? Buys it at the grocery store where they have a nautical theme

and the cashiers are really nice to you. Walmart? No. Okay. I've never had dill pickle flavored chips, I don't think. Is that a mistake? You've never had dill pickle flavored chips?

I don't believe that I have. I don't love them, I'll say that. I will have them. They're better to... You're going to get upset with me. Because I know you like this kind of chip. I don't. I love the sauce.

I don't like the chip. Barbecue. Oh, God. Here we fucking go. I don't like barbecue chips. Here we go. If we're going to have a flavored chip, I'd rather a sour cream and onion. I'd rather a dill pickle.

I'd rather a jalapeno. Can we meet in the middle on a salt and vinegar? Oh, my God. I fuck heavy a sour cream and onion. I'd rather a dill pickle. I'd rather a jalapeno. Can we meet in the middle on a salt and vinegar? Oh my god, I fuck heavy with a salt and vinegar. I love when we meet back in the middle. Yeah. When we come back together. Salt and vinegar chips are different. They're built different. They're just, it's how it was supposed to be. They are. It's how a chip is supposed to be. Exactly.

You ever dipped a salt and vinegar chip into a French onion dip? No. It makes your breath smell horrible. Yeah. But it makes your tummy feel amazing. Okay. I will never ever forgive you, Casey and Anya, for not giving me the support I needed to cry in this room.

I will never forgive. No, I've never had a salt. I've never had a salt and vinegar chip dipped in sugar and onion dip. But that's okay. God, you're so talented. Don't be bold. Don't get that.

It makes me sick. It makes me sick how talented you are. Go ahead. Finish the scene. Come to the grocery store after this. Bless you. Go ahead. I want to see grocery store after this. Bless you.

Go ahead. I want to see some real tears. Let them fall. Right? My phone vibrated. I'm doing everything I can not to check in. Wait, Shelby. Read what your phone just said to you.

Wait. I got a text just now also. You read yours. I'll read mine. Kinda location wise betwixt us both. Okay. My mom texted me and said, hey babe, what is Hulu account information?

Every fucking week with this woman. Tell her to scroll up. Every fucking week. God, can you, so many people I'd say scroll up. Your mom, I would literally never. I'll send her the information every single time. I'm gonna give her your number and I'm gonna give you the Hulu information. I'll send her the information every single time. I'm going to give her your number, and I'm going to

give you the Hulu information. I'll just make a shortcut. Now you can make a shortcut. You can put H-U-L, and then every time it'll just auto-fill. Say it? Yeah. Last time, I've never been mean to her about it once. She asked me for every account login we have. Last time she said, don't be mean to me, what is Netflix?

I said, I've never been mean to you about it but good god write it down i like that she says what is netflix don't be mean to me about it what is netflix what people keep talking about it what the fuck is this what i need to know what is that all my friends are like no no no what that what is that don't be mean what is you've been telling me you're you wrote on a show on netflix what the fuck is that two seasons of a show on netflix actually two shows on netflix i've written for so that's true if anybody first i was gonna be like what's the second and then i remembered yeah well finding a loaded gift card you forgot you had

whoa that is sort of it is really is really powerful. That's such a- Especially when you're broke. Yes. Like doing something like that when you were in like college. Yeah, going through your wallet and just being like, I'm going to clean this out. I got like a bunch of- because in college you also had all these like punch cards and shit. Like you were stacking up shit in your wallet.

Also like your aunts and stuff would give you like, they'd be like, here's $100, like one of those Visa ones. But my wallet in college, because of like the fucking cafeteria card and then your ID card and then like, I had so much shit in my wallet that I would routinely have to clean it out. Sure. So you, it was easier for it to get lost to me then. Sure. Yeah. That makes sense to me.

So. Dolly Parton No say more about your wallet Say more about your wallet in college Casey I'm doing everything I can to leave Without knocking over the table No come on Tell us about your wallet in college It's an extremely slow process

This next one is by Cher originally. Cut the episode. We're done. That's the end of it. You can cut the audio. Everyone. I'm being serious. We can cut the audio.

All of you. Look at me. Look at me. Is that your camera? I don't know. I tried. You know I tried. At the end of the episode, I'm telling my mom

what the Hulu information is. The table falling was against my better wishes. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in. You can find me on Caleb Says Things everywhere. You can find Shelby at SJWolstein.

Right? Is that your handle? Yeah, my name is my handle on everything. SJWolstein, right? Is that your handle? Yeah, my name is my handle on everything. SJWolstein? No, just ShelbyWolstein. ShelbyWolstein. Full name, bitch. That's the handle God gave me.

Please, in my nightmare, tell me the audio has been cut off. My God-given handle. My God-given handle. My God-given right to post. I have a God, I'm ordained by God to post. Yeah, sorry, I don't have a fun handle. That's not what God gave me. I have a God-given right

to post under my handle. And you can't take that away. And you can't take that away. And I'm proud to be at Shelby Woolstein, where at least I know I'm posting. And don't forget the post that I delete when they don't perform. And I proudly delete them. That's still. And defend her still today.

Can I say something? That song bangs. You love America. That song bangs. That song goes fucking crazy, dude. That song. Sorry, but he put his fucking foot into that bitch. And I stand up next to you.

And defend her still today. I wish it was about anything else, but it's not. Ain't no doubt. I love these lands. God bless the USA. It fucking rips, dog. If it came on in the club, I would be shaking my ass. I'd be posted up on somebody's son.

It's good. Shaking my ass. I'd be posted up on somebody's son shaking my ass. We are so convinced to hate this country that we won't admit that that song pays. That song goes fucking bananas. That and the Toby Keith one?

Yes. We'll stick a boot in your ass. It's the American way. That thing? Goes off. Yeah. Makes me want to watch the movie Red Dawn. Never seen it. Never seen it? Josh Peck? The remake? Josh Peck! The newest one, yeah.

Wow, he's in How I Met Your Father. You guys, I'm on everything at Caleb Says Things. Hit me up. I still have my whole team. Cut. Cut the episode.

Shelby's self-destructing. Cut the episode. Cut the episode. It's over. I'm done. The mic's off. I'm serious. Goodbye. Anya. Casey. Thank you. We take it episode. It's over. I'm done. The mic's off. I'm serious. Goodbye.

Anya. Casey. Thank you. We can get out. What's wrapped? Casey, stand back. The table lifts. Stop.

That was a Hidgum Original.