Keeping Records - Very Human to Dance (with Carly Kane)

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

Gather in close, lil freaks - things get serious for a minute as Caleb and Shelby open up with you all about the family stuff they've had going on. Turns out, growing up sucks. But the intimate moments don't stop there: we also learn a lot about Caleb's balls, guest Carly Kane lets it slip that she's a die-hard Eminem stan, and Shelby reveals the instability of her wifi connection by leaving and re-entering the chat, repeatedly. Carly's Artifacts: When a Crush Puts Their Hand On Your Knee/Leg (Experience) Amy Winehouse Discography (Audio) All Types of Breads (Food) Smell of Gasoline (Smell) Random Public Dancing (Activity) Follow Carly on Instagram and Twitter.  Watch the video version of the episode Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Hello everyone! Hello!

Hello and greetings to everyone! Peace be upon you! We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Sorry if my singing doesn't sound good. I'm with COVID.

You're with COVID. What kind? Do you think it'll be the kind that lasts forever or the kind that goes away pretty quick? Who's to say? I don't know. Yeah, who knows? You guys are listening to a girl whose father was postponed on account, whose father's funeral

was postponed. Honey, he wasn't postponed. I'm afraid to say. No, my father's funeral was postponed on account of my COVID. That was really iconic of you to kind of take up the spotlight like that.

Make it about me. Yeah. Yeah. The week's going to go ahead and be about me, babe. Um, do you want to talk about anything going on in your life or would you rather talk about other stuff?

Totally up to you. Of course. Um, my dad died. What? And it's the worst thing. I'm sorry. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I think.

I've been pretty vague on the pod up to this point about my situation. At the beginning, for good reason. I think towards the end, it was just sort of I didn't want to get into it. But things took a really bad turn and he passed like a week and a half ago, two weeks ago. So that's really bad and really sad and really hard to understand. I don't know how many of our... Actually, I know some of our listeners have been really cute

and sent me really nice messages. So, hey, the little freaks in my DMs about my dad's death, thank you. But to call them little freaks still. To call them little freaks in that moment, yeah, I was like, I'll let her have it,

but that's pretty funny. To the little freaks being absolute fucking freak shows in my DMs? No. But it's very weird. I don't know if you went through the same thing, Caleb, but like my brain, it's sort of like when we talk about your brain sort of shutting down when you think about the size of the universe. Like my brain, when I try and comprehend like exactly what's gone on, it kind of gives me like a little taste and then it's like, and you've had enough.

Like completely I don't understand it. So people will be like, how are you? And I'm like, well, I feel kind of okay, but that's because I'm absolutely dissociating. I have no idea what's going on. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm like pretty close to crying right now, but yeah, the, it's, it's a strange

thing. I mean, I've had people die before, but it's a strange thing when a parent dies. My dad was the first of my parents to go iconic first in first out. But that I'm like, oh, I still, I mean, my dad and I's relationship was complicated, but I still hold hope that like, I have these weird moments where I'm like, oh yeah. And then when my dad gets better and we have a better relationship, I can like,

and it's like, oh, that's not happening. He is fully passed away. So yeah, I like, it's very like people were doing Shiva. Um,

and so people have been here a lot, and as is the religion. And they will, like, tell me a story about my dad, and I'll be like, oh, I got to ask him about that or something. And then I'm like, oh, I guess, like, that's not possible. I think, like, the weird realization I had, which like is obvious maybe to someone who's like outside of it, but it's like, I've been knowing my dad would probably pass since November. And I've known that. And I like, my dad lost his ability to speak on Thanksgiving for people who don't know that that's sort of what happened in November. And then I got to know a completely different version of my dad.

And I feel like I started mourning the dad I had then. Like when I stopped being able to talk to him, I like began mourning. Like I was like, oh, that's that person that I've grown up with my whole life is no longer here. But then I got to know this other version of my dad who like, you know, he didn't make a lot of sense. Like he still made, he still attempted to speak, but he had aphasia. So really advanced aphasia. So if you know what that is, but like, um, like I ended up having, like, a lot of fun with my dad at rehab and stuff of, like, he was making a lot of jokes and they didn't make any sense, but they were, like, really funny. Like, he would, like, flick Nerf saw. Like, if he didn't like a nurse, he would, like, flick her off when she left the room.

And you'd be like, oh, my God. Like, stop doing that or um like he had to like clip something onto a pole and I have a video of him like intentionally getting further away because they were like cheering him on when he got closer and he was just like doing comedy like he was like like I don't know we had a lot of fun and now I'm mourning both people like that was a different person to me and I am now mourning them both. And it's weird to like know now the obvious thing, which is like the relationship I had with my dad is completely in the past. There's no new relationship to be had. There's no new memory to be had. Like everything I will have with my dad I had already. And that is so fucking hard to understand.

Yeah. And then now there's this new job that you – this is how I feel. I don't want to put it on you. But there's this new job I feel of like, oh, I'm in charge of like his memory. Like I'm in charge of reminding people what kind of guy he was and of telling like, when I have kids or whatever, I'm going to like, it's, it's going to be a thing where I have to be like, oh, you're, you know, my dad was like this and, and we have these memories and it all has to come from me. And now I'm the keeper of that. And it's this job that I didn't want. And now I have.

Yes. I thought about that. I thought about the kids thing. I've thought about it a lot, actually, since he passed. But like, I was thinking about it last night actually, where it's like, oh, my kids will be the kids that are like, I never met my grandpa. You know what I mean? Like, it's like such a simple thing. It's like, that's not even something I've really acknowledged that much in people, but I know there are people who are like, oh, that's my grandpa. I never met him. And to me, I've always kind of seen that to mean that they're like less significant to them in some way. Like if someone were to be like, oh, my grandpa did this, but I never met him. He died before I was born. I'm like, oh, then it didn't really matter to you.

And that's so fucking sad to me because I'm like, my dad should matter to you. My kids, not to you. The listeners. Hey. You the listeners. Listen, you little freaks. My dad should mean something to you I mean hey you're the listeners listen you little freaks my dad should mean something to you no but like when my kid like I don't want that to be what people think of my kids when they say that do you know what I mean like it's like oh it should he

will be a big part of who they are whether they know it or not. Well, right, because it won't be true. It will feel that way. Like, you know, they might talk to other people and say that, and other kids might go, oh, that's really sad. Their grandpa, you know. But the fact of the matter is anybody who knows you knows your dad and knows your mom as well. Like, do you – your parents are so much a part of –

I mean, and this isn't true for everybody. I think for a lot of people it is, but specifically you have so many qualities of your dad's that are his best qualities. And I think that is going to be present in everything that you do. So he'll always be a part of everything you do. Yeah. And I think it's really beautiful that at the end he was making jokes that didn't really make sense because you guys were able to bond over that comedy style. Yeah.

Well, my comedy does not mix like that at all. You guys were able to bond over telling jokes but them not really hitting, right? Well, yeah. Like for me, it was really nice because I started to do for him what I do for myself, which is explain my joke. Right. Tell the audience why they should be laughing and ask them why they're not. AIDS would be in and he would say something and I would laugh and they would kind of be confused.

And I'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. So what he said was, and I'm so, it's so second nature to me because that's what I do for myself. I have to tell you for the split second that you had said AIDS and I didn't realize you meant the one with the E on it. I was like, this has not been mentioned. I'm sorry to say I did not know that your dad had AIDS. And I was in my head. I was doing such quick math of like, do I get to say something about how weird it is that she just dropped that?

And then I realized you meant AIDS with an E, which is actually so much more powerful than AIDS without an E. Yeah. Because they represent love. Yeah. So, happy Pride Month. Happy Pride, everybody, for real. If you're close to me and Shelby

and you see your dad have even a tickle in his throat, I would caution you to check it out. Get him inside and to a doctor. Check it out. Yeah, Caleb and I are living a little bit of a parallel life, which can be so gorgeous. We certainly are. Which can be so, so good for other people.

It does feel good to finally feel close to you. And I know you've said the same thing, that us finally feeling close has been a good outcome of this. Yeah, I called Caleb when my dad died, and I said, we can finally be friends. And he said... good outcome of this. Yeah, I called Caleb when my dad died and I said, we can finally be friends. And Shelby, I don't want you to feel any pressure to bring up the beautiful arrangement that I sent. That's not, this is not about that.

We have other things to talk about. Me sending a beautiful arrangement does not need to even be, and we'll cut this, but I just want you to know as a podcast co-host, you don't have to bring up the beautiful arrangement. And I won't bring it up. But what I will bring up is HeadGum sent me a pretty nice gift basket. Gift basket? Okay. Fucking outshining me?

What did it cost? Can I get the receipt on that? I want to know who's cost more. Talk to, yeah, get someone from HeadGum. Give me the receipt. Mine was really, really quality. Oh, my God. Did Marty send it? That's.

We got a review the other day that I don't remember where it was at, but it was like, honestly, give Anya a mic. I want to hear from her. And I was like, no, no. It was someone on YouTube. I saw that. She's getting too powerful. She's getting stans. She's giving stans. We really nipped that in the bud with Mike by saying that he was a police officer

from day one. We're allowing Anya to garner power. People were like, we don't really need to hear. They can get on TikTok and they're... Get what, Anya? Okay. We'll get on the public YouTube page and give out your number.

What do you, well, I know what you think. I can't wait. Too many cops on TikTok are getting in full gear to just like spread a message. Well, TikTok is this really, particularly with the copaganda on TikTok,

I am fascinated by how cops used to rely on like giant media organizations and things like that to do copaganda, and now they're getting these tattooed guys who are certainly problematic, getting in and holding

their little vest right on the chest and doing a TikTok dance and swaying their hips, and it's unfortunate, they're kind of hot, and then the caption is like, me when a guy thinks he's going to domestically abuse his wife and get away with it. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I'm like, what is going on?

And he's like flexing. I saw a video that was like, there was a cop video of a cop in full tactical gear, like bulletproof vest, hat, like he was like in it. And he was just like... He was in full tactical gear, bulletproof vest, hat. Helmet, helmet, helmet, helmet, helmet, helmet. He was, oh my God,

he was wearing it all. The hat, everything. Yeah, Caleb, you're kind of wearing tactical gear right now in your little hat. No, he was fully dressed to go to war. And he was just like dressed to go to war. And he was just like, I want to talk about the way that the cops responded to this incident.

And I was like, what? And he was like kind of shitting on the cops. So I was like, okay, go off. But I was like, why are you in full gear to talk about this? You're in your house. Right. You're in your house, buddy. It's the same as the National Guard people who dress up to go to Applebee's

It's like buddy You can show the card and still get the free riblet platter You do not have to come in here In the full uniform In fatigues and like laced up boots It's not that serious Do they have an item called riblets? Oh Applebee's? Oh yeah barbecue riblet platter

You can get it as a platter or a basket Platter comes with two sides Basket just comes with fries. I know you like ribs and I assume you've ordered that before. Do you feel embarrassed when you say riblet? I don't want you to feel that I've ordered it before. As you know, I worked at Applebee's for multiple years and I achieved the status of neighborhood expert. Their menu has not changed much, so you don't need to think that I've ordered it. All you need to know is that oftentimes when people would say people would say to me oh i'll have the

riblet basket well that's just riblets and fries and that's cheaper i would i would upsell them they'd say oh i'll have the riblet basket with water and i'd say oh my god i mean go ahead but i for me the riblet platter with uh uh you know a five dollar margarita that's it's the riblet platter it's the riblet platter it's giving riblet platter and upsell the drink for me. And then sometimes I would get them and my boss would be like, really good job. And I'd be like, thank you. I'm a neighborhood expert. And I'm here to serve. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. And this would be the most powerful thing we talk about today. My service at Applebee's. What compensation-wise

happens when you upsell? I've wondered this with every service I Applebee's. Compensation-wise happens when you upsell. I've wondered this with every service I've ever gotten. Right. So in fact, nothing. But you go home with the joy that you made the company more money. And then in fact, what they do is they subsidize your tips as wages, which is something that we allow corporations to do in this country. So if you made good tips, your wages went down to like $2 an hour

because they count that as money that you got for your job even though it's from strangers who are private citizens. We have a fucked up country and Applebee's is the least of our problems. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shelby, let me do my political stuff. Please let me get on my, in my little politics. Shelby, I know that you're a conservative Republican, alt-right figure, but you have got to let me do my leftist liberal correct takes. I will say there is something so strange about being in Ohio with COVID at my

dad's funeral, because a lot of these people are conservative and are like, fuck it. Come out without a mask and kiss me on the lips i'm like what's going on i'm like i'm sick with the disease the disease the one we're worried about right now well the one we were worried about most and now we're on the monkey parks i think but yeah but they like it's so strange because even like people who have gotten a little bit more relaxed about it in la if if they were like, oh, you have COVID, you will distance yourself from me a little. And here they're like, ah, come on now.

Ah, come on. Take the mask off. Hug me. Kiss me on the lips. Hey, if I was in Ohio right now, I'd kiss you on the lips. No mask. No mask. No mask.

Tongue. No mask with tongue. I would not do tongue. That's too intimate. You know that. It mask. Tongue. No mask with tongue. I would not do tongue. That's too intimate. You know that. It'd be lips only. Even when Caleb and I fuck, you won't use tongue. No.

Well, tongue is reserved for my husband, who I don't have yet, but will someday. Yeah, I was going to say, Caleb's unmarried, for those who are new to the pod. Everyone, look, everyone knows I'm unmarried, Shelby. It's present in everything that I do, that I do not have a husband. Hey, I'm really, really excited about our guest today, just so you know. Who is it?

Oh, just one of our closest friends, a brilliant comedian. Oh, she's so funny and kind and warm. Please put your paws, fins, and flippers together for our dear friend and stand-up comedian, Carly Kane. Carly Kane. Hello, hello. Carly Kane. Oh, Carly Kane Oh my god Shelby, that had such a

You should be a voice actress Yeah, I kind of want my name always said that way Okay, finally someone says it I'm begging someone to represent me To let me do voice acting In the VO space Just for names Just for names

Just for names Just announcing names in the VO space Carly, how are you? I think I could take a little bit more responsibility Thank you, Shelby Just for names. Just for names. Just announcing names in the VO space. Carly, how are you? A little bit more. I think I could take a little bit more responsibility. Thank you, Shelby. Carly, how are you?

I'm good. I actually feel really good today. Whoa. I think we all do. That's good. Yeah. I think we all don't have COVID and aren't going through anything. So that's awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To have sort of a unified vibe. Yeah, no, that is rare, I feel. And you don't have COVID, correct? No, no, no. Okay, good. I did test negative. Okay, yeah. To have sort of a unified vibe. Yeah, no, that is rare, I feel. And you don't have COVID, correct? No, no, no. Okay, good. I did test negative. Okay, awesome.

I feel like I have. Can't say the same, sister. Shelby, you do not have COVID right now. Oh, yeah. Did you not know that? No, no, no. Carly, we postponed my dad's funeral because of my COVID. Oh, my God, Shelby. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Carly, we postponed my dad's funeral because of my COVID. Oh my God, Shelby.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Oh my God. Yeah. How are you feeling? You know, it's hard to say. It's hard to say when so many things are bad. How could anything be good?

Oh, wow, I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm sorry, but also, if you... This episode is brought to you by Mucinex. Drunk I've been dead. If you said, when so many things are bad, how could anything be good over an acoustic guitar, I would stand. That's a

song lyric. We have an album coming out, right? Shelby and I do have an album coming out. It's called... Is it acapella? I could see you both... What the fuck? I mean... Just so you guys know, we brought Carly

into our beautiful studio in sunny Silver Lake, Los Angeles and have treated them like a star. And then she just says, I could see both of you putting on an acapella album. I mean, come on. You can't tell me you guys wouldn't have considered it. Carly says, I love being on Pentatonix podcast.

I can't believe the way that Carly's treating us. I mean, I could really, I mean, I was a musical theater kid. There's no chance you guys didn't have like a slight did you watch Glee? I hate Glee did you always hate it?

yes I never watched it and I thought the concept of it was it does check out if you know me it checks out I have watched Glee I have hated every moment that I've watched but I think I watched full seasons that also tracks.

Yeah. Could this be coming from like maybe jealousy because you guys wanted to sing? Oh, absolutely. I'm jealous of people who sing. Yes, but we want to play instruments. Yeah.

If you could pick one instrument to play, what would it be? Kayla wants guitar. Can you guys play an instrument? I could see Kayla. Like you remind me of the kind of guy that everyone's at a party, there's a gorgeous piano, and you'll just be like, ugh, real quick, and then you just whip out like.

You think I'm gay. Well, that I do know. Carly, what you've clocked is Caleb's sexuality. You think I'm gay. I mean, I could definitely see you being good at piano regardless of your sexuality. There's a lot of straight guys. No, if Caleb was straight...

Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. I've been accused of being an acapella singer already. I know. You twist the knife. Caleb, if you were straight, based on where you grew up and everything, you would be a hunting, fishing...

If you were straight, I don't think you would be singing, playing instruments. I think you would be hunting. You would be catching big fish. You guys are hateful, hateful individuals. If I was straight, I would be really cool probably. I think you would be too. You could be cool and fish. I like fishing.

No, I – yeah, okay. I'd be a cool fisherman, I guess. Whatever. Do you guys want to talk about something else? I'm getting pissed off. Do you guys want to talk about something else? How about politics? Or religion? Wait, do you guys think...

Say. Do you guys think that we're going into a recession, yes or no? And what should I be doing about that? Yeah, no, we definitely are. Should I be doing something? I don't know what there is to do. Should I take my money out of the bank? There's nothing to do, unfortunately.

If you have investments, it would be, well, it's a little bit too late to pull out. Story of my life. How do you know this? Story of my life. A little too late to pull out. My dad. Yeah, I'm like, I don't think I have any investments. Shelby's smart about money stuff.

She knows things. Oh, I need some help. Me too, honestly. I spend like crazy. I just, toop, toop, toop, toop, whatever. You are so generous. I love spending money. It's my favorite thing.

Toop, toop, toop, toop. No worries. Oh, I saw the Jeep that you had your windows down. I'm not kidding. It is, it is, it's a Monday at 10.50 a.m. and I've spent $700 today. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I have spent $700 today and I have not had lunch.

Caleb's like, recession is coming. Recession is coming. Shelby? What did you spend $700 on? Well, it's a little bit of a – I mean it's a little goofy for me to act like that's normal. Of course it's not normal. It just happens to be true today. I had to pick up a suit that I got made for a thing I'm going to.

And then I had to go – Being shy, being coy. A movie premiere. I'm going to a movie premiere. And I had to send my mom really nice flowers for her birthday. Okay. So kind of like the sweetest thing you could be spending $700 on. Yeah.

Not bad. not bad. I spent $700 the other day. Was it on charity? It was on my 2005 Honda Accord. Okay, why are we pouring hundreds of dollars into this? I had to get new plates. Okay, that's fair.

That was $700? I literally think the DMV scammed me. I went in initially and they were like $200 and the woman looked at me and the second time I went back and goes, $700 now. And you go, it was $200 earlier, and she goes, $900 if you keep running the mouth.

Yeah, literally. Wait, I went to the DMV to get a new license like three months ago. Thank you. And I went in and it was in Cleveland because my license is Ohio. And people there kept being like, where's blah, blah, blah. They were like, he's sick. And one of the people working there just goes, we're all sick and we're all here. And I was like, well, wait a second. I was literally like, now hold on a second.

We're all sick? I was like, now I would demand that we all take stock and not walk away. Was anyone masked? None of them. I was wearing a mask. I know, Ohio. To the grove. But then to take a picture for my ID, they were like, all right, take the mask off.

And I was like, right, well, you're hacking along over here and you're admittedly sick. Everyone here is all ill. I'm sitting there being like alright take it real fast that's probably where you got COVID no it was months ago I got COVID from people visiting my dad on his deathbed yeah that'll do it

I'm so incredibly sorry it could not be funnier I'll be honest with you I'll just keep it real with you, dog. It is so tragic. I would change it if I could, but since I can't, I'm going to have a giggle. Caleb texted me and said, Caleb responded to me when I told him and said,

would I change it if I was God? Yes. Am I as a mere mortal laughing? Also yes. I also feel like you are allowed to laugh more because you've experienced the same. Oh, yeah. I'm in it. I'm in it with Shelby.

We're really, really in it. Gang, gang. Okay. You're running out of passes. You're running out of passes quick, sweetie. Gang, gang about that is funny. Gang, gang. Gang, about that is funny. Gang gang. Gang gang.

Positive for COVID. Dad passed. Gang gang. Really sick. Really sick. Carly. Literally. What's a tragedy that you've been through?

No, I'm kidding. You don't have to do that. Okay. Okay. Carly was like, if I must. Carly tells something completely harrowing. We don't recover from it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was going to say, I really don't want to bring the mood that down right now. Yeah, and the funny thing is we've all got like, oh, I shouldn't say we all. I assume this is true of you guys, but I could be wrong. I have like really horrible shit that has happened to me that I am willing to do public jokes about and it's like oh this is always funny to me and then there's the the other echelon of shit that's happened to me that i'm like if i say that out loud i'm not gonna be well for a couple yeah yeah yeah that's so true i actually need to chill yeah yeah there's things that like hit me years and years later and i'm like oh didn't deal with that i'm stage a little prematurely nothing was funny

about that I admitted something to a friend the other day and she was like whoa that happened when you know we like went on vacation together and drama and she was like you never told me it was like four years ago I was like yeah I've been talking about it on stage for years just processing though yeah but I'm not ready to yeah someone someone was trying to set me up on a blind date the other day well I guess it's not blind. They were showing me a picture. But a date with like their, oh, my friend thinks you're cute. Do you think he's cute? You should go out.

Matchmaker. I said, oh, what is he? A sociopath? What's the hook? Like what's the catch here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they said no. They told me about him.

He seems cool. But they said something that I thought was a really interesting way to vouch for someone. Say, say. They were like, no, he's the best person ever. I seriously, I would vacation with him. And I was like, actually? That is so good. That's a good vouch.

That's a really good sign because you learn the truth about people when you travel with them. I wouldn't vacation with almost anybody. Yeah. It's like you guys and a couple other people in our friend circle. I really am. Do you guys feel like, like how many days, there are very few people who I could do more than like three days without needing to do like a solo day to break up. To break up the time. I'm like, when I was younger, my parents, like if we had family friends go on a vacation with us, it was like I had a blast for a day.

And then day two, I was like, you better leave me the fuck alone. Yeah, I need to go walk around the town square or something. Space is so – yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The cobblestone pathways, you know. Take some pictures in an alley. You know, I love traveling alone. Have you guys ever gone on like a solo trip? I won't be doing that, no.

Really? I feel like you would love it. No, I don't do alone time like that. I'm certainly not going out of town alone. Caleb has never really been by himself. Okay. And Shelby loves to say that and I don't think she knows that it's hurtful.

Is it hurtful? No. Really? I don't like being alone. I really, really love... Well, here's the deal. Well, you don't do things you don't like to do, so I think I. Well, you don't do things you don't like to do. So I think I'm right. I don't do things I don't want to do.

But I like being around people. I sometimes need a little reprieve. Like I need to go to bed alone or I need to take a little nap alone. But multiple days alone somewhere? No. You can't really. No, not doing that. I love it. I love

that for you. That's a sign of a very strong person. But then there's also times where it's like I go through phases for like a month. I'll be like making plans every day, like can't be alone. And then I reach a breaking point where I'll like disappear for a month. And that's also not healthy. I feel like you have a healthy way of dealing. Because if I text you to do something

and you don't want to do, you're like, thank you so much for the invite. If you ever invite me to this again, if you ever mention anything like this to me again, there will be issues, but I do appreciate the thought. Meanwhile, the idea of someone not asking me to do something, even if it sounds like the worst thing in the

world to me, is so fucking dark. I need to be invited to everything. I need to be asked. I need to say like, I would literally, it could be the worst thing. I could be going to the DMV and sitting for a while and I'd be like, literally if you could ask me every single fucking time, I can't make it this time, but I would literally love to be asked

a million more times. It's truly how I know that I am lucky in life to have the people that I have around me because I'm so like, my friends, Carly, you're one of them, but people will invite me to shit that me because I'm so, uh, like my friends, Carly, you're one of them,

but people will invite me to shit that they know I'm going to number one, make a joke about it. Number two, not go to, and people still invite me cause they know that I, it makes me feel good to be invited. Yeah. You invite me to open mics.

I know. Like every week. I really feel like it's never going to happen. No, there will be a day. I think it's so sweet. Yeah. There will be a day.

I think you will. It makes me feel good to be included, but I don't want to go. What about a show that was also a mic? No, there will be a day. But it's so sweet. Yeah, there will be a day I think you will crack. It makes me feel good to be included, but I don't want to go whitewater rafting. What about a show that was also a mic? No, absolutely not. Even less that than a mic. I was going to say, Carly, I got bad news for you. That sounds so much worse to him than you think. What if it's like a paid gig?

Hundreds, hundreds of dollars. Thousands even. I was going to say. I was like, bring it up a little. I'm like, we're in a recession. I'll take anything. Carly says, no, think about it this way. It's a paid gig.

You get $30 and a gift card. To me, I'd be like, thank you. Part of my crisis when my dad died was I got, I get offered like sponsored content stuff a lot. And I think I have said no to, if I've been offered 100, I've said no to 99 of them because I don't want to do that but because I feel like

it's shitty to my followers to be constantly being like, you guys have got to check out this flat tummy tea. Well, yeah. Or even shit that's not like that. You know what I mean? But I got the day,

the day after my dad died, I got an offer to send, to send five tweets for a TV show that was premiering and act like I was like watching along, you know. And they were going to pay me an amount of money that I can't even begin – like down payment on a house money. And I was like – my dad fully – I'm like sobbing as I'm reading the email, my dad fully, freshly dead. And I was like, am I going to tweet through my dad's death?

I was like, I might have to act like I'm watching this show while my dad is straight up being bused to the crematorium. Did you do it? No, I said no. Oh my God. I couldn't, I could not handle it? No. I said no. Oh, my God. I could not handle it.

I could not handle it. Well, I'm proud of you for setting that boundary, but that is hard. Shelby left the chat. Shelby left the chat. She might have needed a moment after that story. We could have used that money. Yeah. She's mad at me.

Say, before Shelby comes back, say one thing that you love about her. And then she'll listen to it later. What I love about Shelby is that any time you see her, she's just at me. Say, before Shelby comes back, say one thing that you love about her. And then she'll listen to it later. What I love about Shelby is that anytime you see her, she's just so excited. I feel like Shelby's always so excited to see me. Yeah. Which feels really nice. She only acts that way with you. She's really negative to everyone else.

Really? I don't get negativity from Shelby. You haven't lived with her. No, I'm just kidding. Shelby doesn't come back. When you see Shelby, it's like a... See what I mean? Look at that smile. She's so excited to see us.

Hey, Shelby. Welcome back. Carly talked rancid shit on you the whole time you were gone. I had a lot of negativity to say. I had a lot of negativity to say. Yeah, well, my Zoom decided to close. Why do you think that would be? Bad computer, bad energy. Bad computer, bad energy. What kind of computer do you have? This is my work computer. Ooh. And it is, let's go to about this back.

It's a Mac. Oh, it's a Mac. It's a MacBook Pro 13-inch 2020 with four Thunderbolt 3 ports. Okay, I have chills. Oh, my God. Is it crazy to say I just came? Sexually. I my god. Is it crazy to say I just came? Sexually. I came sexually. We're running

a processor 2.3 GHZ quad core Intel core i7. Fuck. 16 gigabytes of memory. Fuck. That's not a lot. The graphics? That's not a lot. That's not a lot. It could be a lot more, but I'll say that. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Graphics is Intel Iris plus Graphics 1536 megabytes. And I'm not going to give you my serial number. Carly, I'm so glad that we brought you here. We actually want to talk about the specs of Shelby's laptop with you. That was me. I brought it up. For a couple of hours. She asked.

Hey, I have to be honest. Was I supposed to not answer? Can I just be honest with everybody on the chat? Yes, say. I need a break. I want to talk to you guys after the break, but I got to take a break for ads. We have 17 ads this week.

We're getting paid millions of dollars by sponsors. I wish. I don't. HeadGum ad team, get us 17 ads. Here's the deal. I was really worried. I started putting on ball sack deodorant before I thought, like, if I was going out and I was like, oh, I'm going to see this guy tonight. We'll probably hook up.

And I was worried that it would have a taste. I was like, oh, my balls are going to taste like chemicals. And I don't want to discourage. It's already, you know, getting someone to go down on you is already so much work. You don't want to beage. It's already, you know, getting someone to go down on you is already so much work. You don't want to be discouraging people sending them away. That's so true. If your balls taste like chemicals.

It's supposed to neutralize, I think. Like make it taste like nothing. Exactly. That means it's working. Yeah. My balls taste really. Did you check in after? Like were you like,

how did they taste? I straight up. I was like, the first time that I wore this ball deodorant and someone was licking my balls, I was like, how's it going? I was like, does that taste? I was like, I'm using that I wore this ball deodorant and someone was licking my balls, I was like, how's it going? I was like, I'm using this new thing. Does it taste?

And he was like, what? And I was like, do my balls taste like chemicals? And he was like, no. And I was like, all right. I think that's your next ad. I was like, sounds good. Yeah, wait. Get Manscaped back on the pod.

We're going to do it again. I was like. We're recording this, so we can just send this to them. Yeah, just. Get Manscaped back on the pod. We're going to do it again. I was like... Yeah, just send it. I really think you should. You can put this in the episode. I love this. I love this. It's licking my balls. Does it taste like chemicals?

No? It's great for... Carly. Yes? I have a question for you. What do you think my balls taste like? And what do you think Shelby tastes like in general? Say what you think everyone...

No, no, no. Shelby, you go ahead. This is how you find out I have synesthesia. I'm like... Shelby hates those noises. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well, it is... My face wasn't actually about the sound so much

as it was about me breaking down what... If you had synesthesia, it would be like, you would see us as color, you would hear, isn't that when you hear color? So you can like hear color, you can like taste color. So I don't think I could like taste you guys unless, you know, it was literal. But I could imagine very neutral for your balls.

Like I could see that you're very well taken care of. Yeah, I see that for you, Caleb. Caleb, for you, I do see a neutral ball. Thank you. A neutral nutsack. Neutral nutsack hotel. Neutral nutsack hotel. Someone goes down on you and is like, nothing.

I'm getting nothing. Neutral nutsack hotel. That's so funny to me. It doesn't even really make sense. Shelby, I feel like... No, it does. In many ways, a ball sack is a milk hotel. If you have a non-tasting

ball sack, in many ways you have a neutral milk hotel. I am gay. And I'm questioning more than ever. I'm just doing me. Oh yeah. Shelby has a question for Carly. Carly, if we were to

send a new Golden Records into space, what would you put on them? So true. Okay, so I think one of mine was like when a crush touches your leg for the first time. Fuck, dude. You know that feeling of just like, it's like, and specifically the knee. Yeah. You know, not the arm.

Like I remember someone I had a crush on touched my knee. I literally Googled, looked it up. What does this mean body language wise? All different answers. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You Googled what does it mean crush touched leg?

Literally. I wish I was kidding. I wish I was kidding. But it's a feeling I'll never forget. Yeah. I mean, it's amazing. Or when there's the knee thing where it could be like friendship kind of thing. But the undeniable thing to me is when there's like a little bit of an inner thigh touch.

Yes. Oh, my God. When it like grabs your thigh. I'm grabbing my own thigh right now and literally getting horny. I'm like, this is wrong. Yeah, it's really intense. The little driving over a hill feeling. Stop.

Do you remember that from when you were a kid? Like I feel like those go kind of hand in hand. Like that's the first time I like, you know, you feel this. Yeah, like, or going on a date with someone for the first time and they kind of, like, do the slide. Oh, my God. That's so hot. I've touched my leg and it's like, okay, things are different now. Things are different now.

There's no, like, platonic leg squeeze for me. No, if you touch my leg, we're having sex. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you have to be careful with that. You really do. Shelby, you ever had this experience? It froze, and so I've been trying to catch back up, but I'm lost is the reality. Okay, so the feeling of when a crush or somebody kind of like touches your leg.

Yes. crush or somebody kind of like touches your leg yes that um i get nervous do you guys get nervous definitely but it's um sort of this like electric yes palms are sweaty knees weak But the problem for me, and Caleb can attest to this. No, no, no. Carly goes, Carly goes, Carly goes, Mom, spaghetti. Put it on my sweater already. I pray that the cameras caught the way that Carly looked at me when she said that. It was

like a pleading. Well, I think she knew she had done wrong. She knew she had done wrong. I'm mortified. It was a pleading look, like, please let me get these Eminem lyrics off. The cameras make me nervous. Really? No, Caleb can attest to this with me, though, and that is that my knees and thighs could not be more ticklish. I have the most ticklish legs in the world.

So for you, it's not like a horny thing. No, it is. It genuinely is. It genuinely is, but there's also, like for me, I have to try really hard not to flinch or laugh because I don't want it to see like a discourage, like I don't want to be discouraging, but I ultimately like my instinct is to go like,

because it's like tickles. What the fuck are you doing? And then it's like, you have to do so much. I do so much like making up for it after I have to be like, sorry, I'm just ticklish. I felt like,

and then I have to have like a really earnest conversation that I don't want to have. I would never touch your leg. See, this is the problem. This is the problem. Wait. You guys, I want to tell our listeners a story that you guys might both know, depending on your memory. A couple weeks ago, we were at Carly's house for some sort of celebration.

Was it Molly's birthday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was sitting next to Holmes Holmes, comedian. Friend of the pod. Friend of the pod, Holmes. First ever guest on the Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was sitting next to Holmes Holmes, comedian. Friend of the pod. Friend of the pod, Holmes. First ever guest on the pod, actually. Oh. Pretty special. And Holmes, our legs are touching.

Oh my God, I remember this. Do you remember this? Our legs are touching. We're sitting on like a little couch. I remember this too. Holmes and I's legs are touching. Now, Holmes is one of my closest friends in the world. We touch each other all the time.

And our legs are touching. And Holmes, the group, my closest friends in the world. We touch each other all the time. And our legs are touching, and Holmes, the group, everyone's having a pleasant conversation. We're not talking about... We're not talking about the legs. We're not talking about the legs at all, and Holmes goes, oh my God, you guys.

Isn't it so nice when you're like, and she's not kidding. They're being completely serious. Isn't it nice when you're like touching legs with someone, and they're just a friend, so you don't want to fuck them, so it's just normal?

And I was like like but then Holmes said but then I think Holmes said something like this would be so hot to me if I was into you or something like it was something like Holmes was like

it would be so hot if I was like attracted to you and out of nowhere I was like I was like what a psychopath there's no doubt

in my mind you've made Holmes horny at one point. Oh, I for sure have. I mean, Holmes and I are going to hook up someday. Holmes and I are going to hook up someday. I believe that. Holmes is begging for kisses from you. Holmes and I will have kids together.

Steal my kisses from you. Steal my kisses from you. But that was just insane to me, to announce to the group. Holmes basically said, everyone, clink, clink, clinks a glass. Everyone, clink, clink, clinks a glass. I don't want to fuck the person sitting next to me. It was a very, like, a lot of different conversations happening. I was on the other side when this happened, and even I kind of heard the...

Caleb's repulsive to me. Who else? Does anyone else want to chime in? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I don't want to fuck the person to my left. I was just like, you psycho. Did you guys catch this pen? Look at this.

Oh, my God. Oh, that is gorgeous. I love. Shelby's meds are kicking in. Are you drinking Sprite or LaCroix? Vodka. I'm actually not drinking that. That is a ginger ale from, I want to say, six years ago.

Oh, there is a lot going on. Shelby's in an interesting part of life. Boop, boop, boop. Oh, she's dancing. Oh, she's dancing. My favorite comment we've ever gotten, I think it was on TikTok about the pod, and they're 100% right. They're like, I love a visual.

A physical bit for an audio medium. I love a visual bit for an audio medium, which is just us all the time being like. And if you don't watch the YouTube channel, you have no idea what we're doing. Yeah, someone touching a leg is hot. What else would you put on your records? Amy Winehouse, discography. Thank you. How would you put on your records? Amy Winehouse. Discography. Thank you. How do you say it?

Discography. Discography. Discography. Okay. Discography. Can I tell you a funny story about Amy Winehouse? Please, dear God. That would be funny.

I have one, too. Well, I guess it starts kind of sad. When she died. Yeah, that's how it goes. But I... He's acting so out of character Cara goes you go when Amy Winehouse

tragically passed Cara goes which was a big no no bummer I was at summer camp and we didn't have any like internet, internet or anything at camp, so all news was just, like, word of mouth. Like, someone would—some counselor would have had to, like, be off camp, get the news, and then spread it. And there was a joke around my camp that always happened that was, like, every summer someone made up that a celebrity died and just told people, and then everyone would, like, celebrate that person person thinking that they were dead and then it would come out that that was a lie.

It was like after camp you would find out it wasn't true. Or like someone would spread it on like visiting day. Like it just took a while. Like news spread. And so like Nelly died one year. Like people died at my camp all the time. And someone had said Amy Winehouse died. And I was like, yeah, fucking right. I was like, I'm not falling for it this time. And they were like, no, for real this time.

Like Amy Winehouse is dead. And I was like, okay. And people were like playing her music in honor. And I was like, you guys are so fucking gullible and stupid. I really was like, I was like, I'm not getting got this time. And I went to the office and I made one of the admin look it up for me. And she was like, no, Amy Winehouse is dead. And I was like, oh, and then I had to like go back and be like, no guys, for real, she is. And I was so sad, but I had to just go around and be like, no guys, I'm sorry. She actually is this time. This is for real. What is the most

impactful celebrity death for you guys? It was definitely Amy Winehouse. I have a humiliating Amy Winehouse story that I actually don't tell anybody. Well, you better tell it here. I've been desperate for attention my whole life, and when I was 15... Bless you, Caleb. Bless you, sorry.

Um... And when I was 15. Bless you, Caleb. Bless you. Sorry. When they changed the American Idol audition age to 15. I'm already, I just want you to know, I'm so uncomfortable. I'm so scared of what you did. Because I've seen videos of you singing in this era. And it's not that you don't have a beautiful voice. You do. No, but I was. It's that you were trying.

So hard. I was lathered in Juergen's natural glow. I looked like a carrot. And I'm like, I've never felt hotter. 15, can't even drive. My mom has to drive me there. And I sang Amy Winehouse. And obviously didn't make it.

After five seconds, they said, that's enough. They said, no, it won't work. They were like, why would you ever try to sing her of all people? Sort of like really iconic voice. I just thought because we both had dark hair that it was in some way I was like, I'm just like her.

What'd you sing? You know I'm no good. Hey Carly, I was like, I'm just like her. What'd you sing? You know I'm no good. Wow. Hey, Carly, welcome to American Idol. We're so excited to hear what you have for us. We're so excited, yeah. I like your little outfit. I like your little outfit.

Thank you. You're lathered up in whatever you're lathered up in. Go ahead. Juergen's natural glow, I think. Action. Have that in my bathroom. I don't. Action. natural glow I think have that in my bathroom I don't I action

meet me downstairs that's all I have for today I'm starting to see why they passed yeah my voice today sounds like I you have a sexy voice today and guess what listeners yes the podcast studio is getting hot again.

You guys are thinking, oh surely the AC thing has been figured out. No, no, no. It's getting hot once again. And I'm starting to sweat. Me too. I can feel it. Me too, me too, me too. My most impactful celebrity death was,

and you guys can say it with me, Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh my God. Absolutely fucked me up, dude. I cried for days. That was pretty, well, I guess it. I was in college.

What was the connection? Yeah, I was gonna say, it wasn't that long ago. I just love, I love him. I love everything he's ever been in. I love his career. I think he's so charismatic

and charming and dark and smart. I love him so much. Me and like three of my friends sat in my freshman year dorm the day we found out and watched clips of his greatest performances and all cried. We were so sad. I'm still sad about it. I see him in movies and I go, fuck, we would have gotten so much more. Well, the craziest thing was when he still did – they still put like they had already filmed they had

well they had already filmed Hunger Games and he was like in and out like he was it was post-mortem that it was released. That was so weird.

Like I remember that was just such a weird That is always so devastating when that happens. Yeah. And there's like this is like their last role. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't even really I don't I was really sad when Chadwick Boseman died. Yeah. That was so devastating. And he also had a movie come out after he died.

We watched it together. We did. We did watch it together. What was that one called? It's not important. It's not important. It's his legacy. Let's not, let's not, let's not muddy his legacy by worrying about a title.

Yeah. Don't even remember the name. It was a play that they made into a movie, which is impossible to do, I feel. That's really hard. Yeah. Except Rent. I don't think, I've never seen a play turned into a movie. Carly, you're not going to win with Caleb, but.

Do you like plays or musicals? No, he hates them. I do not like musicals. I like plays. I do not like musicals. I cannot stand musicals, but I like plays. Okay. Rent was good, Any Way You Slice It.

I agree. If they were to go and they were to take Legally Blonde, the musical, and make it back into a movie, I would watch that with joy. Yeah, I would definitely watch that too. I can't imagine what that's like as a musical though. Have you not seen it or heard it? I've seen it. Oh, I've never seen it live, but I've watched it online and I've heard the, the album and I gotta say banger. Really? I think

what turned me away from musicals is that I was friends with a bunch. I did not study acting or musical theater in college. I studied politics, but all my friends were musical theater acting people. So I had to go multiple times a semester to college, like undergrad musicals. And it was so brutal sometimes. And that's in college. That's in college. I see. I can't do a

college musical. Broadway or middle school. That's it. Yes. Yes. Yes. Children who it's like, if they're good, it's amazing. And. Yes. Children who it's like, if they're good, it's amazing. And if they're bad, it's so cute. Yes. Yeah. When you see a kid be good in a play, you're like, holy shit.

I'm like, oh, that's my whole YouTube search. That was me when I played Yankee Doodle Dandy. Are you a good singer? Yes. Well, give us a little tea. When I was younger and I did theater, my mom had picked out one of my friends and was like, she's talented. And no matter what I did in a play, it was like a compliment on Elle. Her name's Elle.

And it was literally like I would act my ass off. And my mom would be like, Elle was unbelievable in that play. I'd be like, okay. And now I recently saw Elle in an AccuView commercial, and I had to text my mom and be like, I guess you were spot on. Did she perform well? Did she perform well? Yeah, did she kill it?

In AccuView? Yeah. Well, she's beautiful. I don't think she wears glasses, so I think... Say no more. That checks out. We love you, Elle. Say no more.

If she's gorgeous, I'll watch. Yeah. I don't think she's ever worn glasses, and what I will say is that I believed she might have in the commercial. Because she was, or... No, she was talking about how she her eyes got dry with the contracts or whatever

contracts I hate when my eyes get dry with contracts I'm doing so much business when you read too many of them when you read too many

of them your eyes get dry I'm doing so much business that my eyes often get dried out from contracts when I'm doing contracts I'm dry as a bone

I have a really important question yes what I loved that Shelby I love you're just you're my little something dry as a bone. I have a really important question. Yes. What? I love that. Shelby, I love you. You're my little spitfire, girl.

I love it. I love it. I love that you're fiery, little energy girl. But watch it, ultimately. Carly, if you had to pick one Amy Winehouse song to play for the aliens in front of them

as like a, hey, welcome to Earth or you're out in space with them, whatever, we're meeting listen to this song what would you play oh there is no greater love can we play some of it on you that song destroys me the live version i would play for them okay and i think we can probably do that well amy winehouse is while she's pulling it up amy winehouse is such a fascinating live

performer because she looks like she has never put in less effort and sounds unbelievable. She would literally be so high and just still sound like. There's like videos of her just truly being like, she's somehow singing and it sounds unbelievable. She's really, if you didn't hear what you were hearing, you wouldn't even think she was singing and she's making the most beautiful sounds you've ever heard in your life. Her and Adele were both rocking that moment at the beginning of their careers. That like, fiery little British girls

that just have like the messiest fucking bun you've ever seen in their life. I think they went to like the same school at different times. I could be completely making that up. No, that makes sense. I think I remember that in the Amy doc. Yeah.

Devastating by the way. Devastating. Never cried more. Really? Never cried more. A lot of deaths. That got me more than anything. I have never cried as much as I did in the movie Click with Adam Sandler. That's so true about Shelby. She, Click, takes Shelby to a place that I can't even begin

to describe to you. I mean, Click really messed me up in a way that you couldn't even imagine. And the craziest part is that at the period you cry, you end up being wrong.

You were wrong for crying. The movie's a prank. I would go back and watch that movie, but it's been years. You can go back. Well, give it a watch. Who says you can't go home? That's true. We ready, Anya?

Yeah. There is no greater love than what I feel for you No sweeter song No heart so true No heart so true There is no greater thrill than what you bring to me. I love it.

I mean, they would not invade. They would just, you know, I think really feel something. Are you a horns person? Do you love a horn? Oh, I love a horn. I cannot get enough of a horn. Have either of you ever gotten into The Dip? No, I don't think so.

The Dip is a seven-piece band. I saw them at the Lodge Room a couple weeks ago. They are so good. The lead singer is gorgeous. Doesn't matter, but just so you know. That is always a plus. It does help. He is so hot.

I was going to say, it doesn't matter, but it helps. He's one of those hot guys that literally wears just like a t-shirt and jeans, and you're like, that's the hottest person in the life. Is he hot because he can play music? You know how that just adds? Let me tell you something. He would be hot without it. It only helps that he can play music.

Yeah. And he's the lead singer. And he's got this. Ooh, I mean, it's so hot. He's so hot. And they're horn heavy. Oh, they have like the seven pieces. It sounds it, by the way, Caleb's talking about it. I cannot explain to you. I'm not even kidding. You just took me so out of my body. That felt so physically violent to me. I love the bit. I love you. I love when you do that character.

I'm not even trying to be funny right now. You doing that just now made me fight or flight. It was so abrasive to my soul that I really felt like I can't explain. I'm coming down right now. That was a visceral reaction. That was violent

the way that felt to me. Caleb doesn't remember the name of the band anymore. I felt like coming down right now. Yeah, no, that was a visceral reaction. That was violent the way that felt to me. Caleb doesn't remember the name of the band anymore. I felt like someone called me a faggot and then pulled a gun on me. Like I felt like I had a knife to my neck. That bit was so intense. But yeah, they have a saxophone. They have a trumpet. I mean, I'm not kidding.

My stomach hurts from that. That was crazy. And you didn't do anything wrong. It was fun. I was going to say, I want you to know you need to figure out what that's about. No idea what happened. It's never happened before. Maybe in life, but definitely not with you on the pod.

Have you ever been on the highway? In trouble. You check your mirrors and you don't see anybody highway and you – In trouble. You check your mirrors and you don't see anybody, so you get over and you start to get over and you hear like a loud honk. Yeah. And you go – The worst. Yeah. And then you drive like two hands on the steering wheel, turn the music off for like five miles straight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. When Shelby talked to me just now, that's the feeling that my body had inside of it. Holy shit. That is a – Shelby, to know that my body had inside of it. Holy shit. That is a, Shelby, to know that you can have that effect on someone pretty powerful. Yeah,

I'm pretty powerful. Carly, what's something, what's something so embarrassing? Carly, just to, just to cut you off, Shelby.

Carly, what's something so embarrassing? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, Carly, I had a question before we move on.

Sorry, Caleb. No, go ahead. If we had something, if, what was, what's something so embarrassing?

Go ahead and stop, because I'm just going to cut you off. Carly, what's something so embarrassing that you would cut it? No, go ahead. If we had something, what's something so embarrassing? Go ahead and stop because I'm just going to cut you off. Carly, what's something so embarrassing that you would cut it? No, no, no, no, no. I was going to ask something quickly. I was just going to say, what is something so embarrassing that you would delete it from the record altogether? Honestly, what I did pick was two things. Okay. The ability to be scared by friends.

Okay. And pants. Well, we just lived that. I know. And it really is what I had before. And pants with no pockets. Wow. I really, really, really support pants with no pockets.

Like, that is so psychotic to me. Get them out of here. Why would we have them? Why is that? It's just something me. Get them out of here. Why would we have them? Why is that? It's just something I can't wrap my head around. I think it's a way to, because it's mostly

a lot of like women's clothing. Yeah. So I think it's a way to like keep purses. My conspiracy theory is like to make sure that people buy purses. Well, girls should have purses.

You're not wrong. Girls need to have purses so that if I ever need an ibuprofen or someone to carry my phone. Yeah, a chapstick. Yeah, a chapstick. Or something like that.

You know, clippers. Yeah, I like when girls carry purses. Something about me. I like it when girls wear purses. Do you carry a purse, Shelby? No. No, Shelby has her keys on like a carabiner on her belt loop. Yeah, don't we all I'll bring a backpack a lot of places

But I, here's the thing I have sloped shoulders A purse doesn't hang on my shoulder the right way And I'm never going to hold it in my hand That's no excuse, I have scoliosis And you better believe I'll be carrying a purse That has nothing to do with your shoulders, babe Well, you'd be surprised.

Mine are very uneven. Due to the scoliosis. When I wear a purse, it goes. What does slumped shoulders mean exactly? I have that too. I don't have sharp. They're not. I don't have.

There's nowhere for it to sit. It falls right off. Yeah. Medically. Yeah. Medically. I've been thinking recently about doing one of those like. It's not quite a fanny pack,

but it's like a cross-body bag. I love cross-body bags. I use those. I use those. It's very LA. I thought about getting into that. It's very LA. It's very out here. Everyone's doing it.

I use those. Here's my one complaint about them, and everyone can, a lot of the times, it's sort of like how seatbelts have this effect on my neck as well. It'll, like, cut into my neck a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm also anything. I have such a big body that anything going across my body or anything,

number one, it needs to be made for a fat person. It can't just be usually something off the rack. And number two, it makes me look hilarious. I just do when I wear something small. I look adorable for sure, but hilarious. I look like a cartoon chef or something. I just do when I wear something small. I look adorable for sure, but hilarious. I look like a cartoon chef or something. I just look silly. I just look silly.

I look goofy if I wear a fanny pack. I would just look so funny. I think fanny packs are just sort of an insane. I think the crossbody is much more much more. Is there a name for fanny packs that's not fanny pack? I hate the name fanny pack. Is that supposed to be like a pussy pack? Like what does that even mean? Yes, it's supposed to go

over your fanny. Which is your butt? Or you're supposed to wear it on the front? Is you're supposed to wear it on the front? I do think I would wear it on the front because I just feel like someone could go right behind you and... Oh, yeah, I've stolen from people that way for sure. You have never stolen.

Carly Kane! I cannot even imagine. I've stolen. If I asked you to steal, you'd say, I appreciate you inviting me. Caleb's stolen a lot of hearts. Have you ever... Oh, no.

Let's let her have that one. That was really sweet caleb's stolen a lot of hearts oh i hate this podcast see and then the listeners wonder why i don't be sweet i said i said oh she'll be so sweet i don't know if there was a lag or if it was the earnest response, but here's what it looked like for me. I said, Caleb's stolen a lot of hearts. And then you two went like this. That was my response.

Caleb was pretty quick. Love it. Caleb loved it. It took five seconds from when I said it until you guys responded. That's tech difficulties, babe. That's tech difficulties. I'm a really, really quick responder. First responder.

Okay. Anya has started holding up pieces of paper during the recording when she wants to talk, and she just held up a laminated piece of paper that says producer note. So I'm going to kick it over to Anya and see what the hell this could possibly be. We're going to cut this. I was just going to ask if you guys want to do an artifact today.

Not today. And we have to leave this in. Please. The listeners want to hear from you. They've said. Anya's barefoot. It is what they want to hear. Anya, they want to hear what it's like to work with you.

And they want the full dirty truth. Anya, they want to hear what it's like to work with you. Yeah. And they want the full dirty truth. Carly, look, Shelby has a question for you. It's filthy. I heard you're barefoot. Shelby has a question for you, Carly. Hit it, Shelby. Hit it, Shelby. What else is something you'd want to put on your records?

Is that the question? Yeah, good job. Oh, the smell of gasoline. Oh, that's really weird. Do you want to say more about that? No, I love that. It's so, like, I love the smell of gasoline. Cheaper to do coke at this point, right?

I don't like coke. It does nothing. You have no idea how bad that tastes. The smell of gasoline. The smell of gasoline is just cocaine tastes so bad i can't even imagine doing it so it's so bitter and disgusting i'm such a fucking loser the idea of it dripping like i will never do cocaine in my life i am so not cut out for that the idea of snorting and then when you said it drips down your throat I'm just like

I mean it is not for me at all and you have to do it a lot of times to keep it going throughout the night because it actually doesn't last that long so you're always tasting the worst you're always tasting it and I literally I hate it the only reason I've ever done it is because I can't say no oh

oh Carly there's a program I want you to look into it's called I can't say no. Oh. Carly, there's a program I want you to look into. It's called... It's called Dare. People will be like, you want to come to the room? I'm like, yeah, I'd love to see the room. And then you're in there and it's like, now I have to do coke. Up until very recently, I've had the opposite problem in my life, which is that I can only say no. And only...

I think I started smoking weed like three, four months ago. Oh my God. I cannot wait. I cannot wait. I cannot wait. I was like, no, you guys are boring. So you'll with me? Definitely.

Oh my God. It's for sure where I draw the line. There never will be. I've never understood. And this is no shade to anyone who does it. I physically cannot do anything with needles. I physically cannot do cocaine. You can shade those people if you want.

I'm not shaming. If you do a little bit of heroin, that's fine. Do a little bit of heroin if you need to. I'm not going to be able to do it. I think it's cool. Don't do heroin. If you need to do a little bit of heroin,

do a little bit of heroin. There's such an epidemic in my town. Does it hook you really quick? Oh my God, yeah. I've lost so many friends to heroin addiction. Just so you know, there's no do a little bit of heroin. You can't just try it. Do a lot of heroin.

No one just tries it? There was a heroin epidemic in my town. It took out a lot. I'm sorry. The way you said that. It's not funny, but just the way you said, oh. And also the phrase took out. It did.

No, I know. I mean, same. But I just thought maybe I could try it. Caleb's like, if you need to recreationally shoot a little something up your veins. Do a little bit of heroin? No. No one ever does. When you're doing heroin, you're doing heroin.

Guys, this is why we talk about these things. These are the teachable moments. I do know people that have snorted heroin, whatever that means. Awesome. Or bad. Did they do okay? Or it didn't go well? It definitely spun them into a rough year. I'm saying no heroin. Yeah, no heroin. I'm saying everyone

don't do heroin. Now we're back on board. Now we're back on board. You had lost Carly in me for a second. Yeah, you lost me on that one. Hey. But you brought us back in at the end. Hey. Huh? My name is Caleb Heron.

I'm a comedian, actor, writer, performer, philanthropist, lover, friend. Podcaster. Podcaster. Brother, son, and so many other things to so many of you. Uncle. I want to apologize to you guys. Recently on my podcast, Keeping Records on the HeadGum Network,

I said that everyone should try heroin if they want to. But I've had conversations with friends and family and I've realized that no one should be trying heroin. But everyone should try gay sex. If you're a straight person who hasn't had even gay sex one time,

you have to grow up. At least one time. At least one time. And stop calling yourself a liberal. But don't do heroin and then have gay sex. If you're a straight person who's never had gay sex, you are not a liberal. And do not try heroin. You're a libertarian.

People say when they do heroin, they're like, it's the best feeling you can ever feel in the world. That like the rest of your life is dull. Wow. That sounds like a good deal. If you want to continue doing it, yeah. Yeah, but then you have to keep doing it to sort of have it back. Well, that's the thing that a lot of people don't know about drugs, is that you'll want to keep doing it.

My mom once asked my family what we would do if we knew the world was ending tomorrow, and my older brother was like, heroin. If I knew the world was ending tomorrow. And my older brother was like, heroin. If I knew the world was ending tomorrow, I would do heroin. And my mom was like, well, I was going to say and make us all be together, so I guess we all have to do heroin. Dude, moms are so fucking corny. Just in the middle of the day, I'll say some shit like this.

It's like, get a grip. Yeah, she brought it up. She brought it up. It was like, was that just a certain, like, what I think happened in her brain was she was like, get a grip. Yeah, she brought it up. She brought it up. It was like, was that just a certain, like, what I think happened in her brain was she was like, I want to make sure that they know that if the world was ever ending, we'd have to spend the day together. Oh, my God. She's literally, like, putting it into your heads because it could happen.

So she was like, what would you guys say that you want to do so that she could, like, I don't know, I guess, stockpile the heroin? It's so funny. Moms are constantly doing little exercises like that where they're basically setting up a reason for them to put out how much they love us and just praying that we come back on the same level. And then we say something like I would do heroin and they're like, okay, well, I'm staying the same. The world's ending tomorrow. I'm doing like as much drugs as I can.

I want to feel stuff. I mean, that's completely fair. Totally. To do heroin. No repercussions? The world's going to end slow. So I don't see a world where it's just like, hey, I want to feel stuff. I mean, that's completely fair. Totally. To do heroin. No repercussions. The world's going to end slow. So I don't see a world where it's just like, oh, tomorrow at 12 p.m. Tomorrow, yeah.

And then what if it doesn't? That's where my brain immediately went. Now you're hooked on heroin. Now you're hooked on heroin and the world's not over. Well, it could be over for you. Jesus. This took such a turn. No, this is important important we have an important podcast we have millions of listeners every week and we need to talk about things like this seriously um no for real carly what's next

on your records what'd you put your last one was heroin or what did you put on gasoline smell of gasoline have you ever smelled gasoline poor Poor man's heroin. Yes. Do you think anyone is addicted to that? Yes. I think there's actually a Philip Seymour Hoffman movie. There's like people that fuck their cars. Oh, that is a thing. But I don't know if that's related to gasoline. There's a Philip Seymour Hoffman movie where he-

Think about the person you love. Yeah. Their scent is something to you. And so for the guy that fucks his car- I don't know if I've experienced that. The smell of gasoline. Yeah, I don't even... There is a Philip Seymour Hoffman movie where he goes insane

after his wife's death from huffing gasoline. It's him and Kathy Bates. I feel like if I brought it to space, I would have no repercussions of that because it would just be that smell. It's very nostalgic to me. Yeah, I wonder what the aliens would do with it.

I used to think the Gasolina song was saying hooked on the Gasolina, but that's not what they're saying. Carly, what else would you... Carly, what else would you put on your records? I love a moment of public dance. Okay, go ahead and talk about that. Not like a flash.

What do you mean? I'm going to wait. Yeah, I'm waiting to see if I can support that or not. Not like a flash mob where you're sort of like thrown off guard, but have you ever just like seen a group of people, you know, it's like late at night and maybe they're just all dancing or like there's just like a tender moment. Like it's not necessarily planned. It's just sort of this like thing that happens.

I remember seeing it once in New York City. I was going to say mine was in New York. It was just a bunch of people. Everyone was drunk and some guy had a drum and it was just people that kind of came together. I don't know. I'm a big fan of a... I think it's beautiful. The first summer

that I lived in New York in college, I was obsessed with the idea that maybe I would be a photographer. So I had gotten as a gift a really- Film or digital? A digital. I had gotten as a gift a really nice camera and I was going around New York City taking pictures of things.

Completely embarrassing the way I was behaving. I was literally walking around with a camera being like, you know, trying to get shots. Kayla thought he was humans of New York. Probably really good though. Truly, some of them were very good and one of my favorite pictures I ever took, it's probably archived on my Instagram somewhere, is I stumbled across this swing dancing class in New York, outdoors.

And two strangers got paired up by the teacher, and they were swing dancing. And it was a young black woman and an old Jewish guy. And they were dancing, and it was like a young black woman and like an old – he looked like an old Jewish guy. And they were dancing and they were doing really good and they were laughing so hard. And I got a picture of them like right in the middle of a like kind of swing thing when they were both – you could see both of them laughing so hard and they were strangers. And I literally – after I took it, I was looking at it and I was crying and I was like, I need to go home. I was like, I need to go back to my room and like think about – But you never forget that feeling. You literally remember what they look like,

you know? It was beautiful. It was beautiful. That's like a, it's a full body chills moment. It was beautiful. It's very human, I think,

to just like dance. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm sorry I said that. It's very human to dance with Carly Kane. Very human to dance is so like like, teenager.

You're very much in touch with your inner. It's very Tumblr. It's very Tumblr. There's a picture of, like. You know what it is? It's an image of one of those, like, where the ballet shoes are to the right and the left of the feet. And the feet are covered in scabs and blisters. Oh, my God.

And it just says, it's very human to dance. Dancing is one of the most human things you can do. But it actually is. You know what's so funny about when I recognize a moment of supreme corniness, which is what just happened. Earnestness. Yeah, like earnestness. I am like, oh my God, that's so corny. How funny.

And then I sit with it for a second and I'm like, no, but that actually is really true. Well, but actually I would challenge it a little and it's just that are we humans or are we dancers? Like there have definitely been philosophers who have posited that it's one of the other situations. In that way, that's the binary. Humans, dancers. And there's that TikTok trend that's,

have you guys seen it, that's going on? That's like, when do you feel the most beautiful? And then it's like, when I'm dancing. I gotta say, here's where I don't feel inspired by corniness, and it's on TikTok. Oh my God. There's TikToks where people are like, when was the last time you smiled so hard you couldn't believe it? And then it puts music behind a stranger being like, at my friend's wedding. And it's like, shut up.

It doesn't really inspire me. I can't do it. No, it's not inspiring. TikTok is completely desensitizing and very cringe at times. And also people trying to go, it's like people get on there and realize that they don't have talent to go viral. Because if they did, they'd be doing something probably else.

And then they're like, what I can do is stunts. I can do viral stunts. Or just Ernest, aw, look at Shelby's photo. It's so cute. See what I mean? Shelby's camera is gone. Happy, but I think the idea of when people get on TikTok and have

breakdowns is my favorite. When they're like, I'm not normally like this, but I'm feeling really emotional. What's ringing? Well, well, well. Keeping records it is. Hey, homes. Hey, kitty. I saw you tried to FaceTime me. What did you need? I was just talent checking in to see how you feel about tonight.

I feel great. Do you want to say hi to Shelby? Hi, Shelby. Hi, everyone. Am I live? Yeah, you are. I'm not even kidding that we were just talking about you. Keep this in the episode. Let me do something cute. It'll be in the episode. We were just talking about you. Hold on. I'll put you to camera. Do something, and then you got to go. Okay. Caleb asked me to be on every single episode as a guest Shelby welcome back thanks yeah I got annoyed when we started talking about TikTok yeah yeah Shelby was like bye wait guys

have you guys seen the trend on TikTok and I exited guys we gotta get out of here tell guys seen the trend on TikTok? And I exited. Guys, we got to get out of here. Carly, tell us what the rest of your records look like loosely. The rest of my records, I honestly, I feel like it would be any type of bread. A lot of bread. You know what I mean?

Like just the ability to taste that. Very Oprah. Very Oprah. Very Oprah. Very Oprah. I'm actually hearkening back to the time that we went to Cheesecake Factory together. Yes. And we're just going nuts on that bread. Very bread heavy. Oh, it's so good. Oh, we love it there. I could live off of it forever. We really could.

I just want to do anything to keep the aliens calm, collected, you know. They're huffing gas. They're listening to Amy. They're eating bread. There's going to be no war. It's sort of like a last supper moment, you know? Absolutely that, yeah. And then is there anything else you wanted to put on?

I feel like I could go on and on. Well, you don't have to. You've been an incredible guest. Anything on Bravo. That's true. Anything on Bravo. Anything on Bravo. Do you want to tell people where they can find you?

You can find me, I would say mostly Instagram. And then I run a show every first Friday of the month called The Big One. In Los Angeles, California. In Los Angeles. And it's actually the night of this episode they have a show. And it's also my birthday. I know and I asked

Shelby to be on this one but it didn't work out. Oh fuck. Turns out I will be in town but not going to do the show. Well, guys, it really is the best show in LA, so go see Big One. And follow Carly on everything. She's a genius and one of our best friends. And thanks for being on, Carly. Thanks for having me.

I love you guys so much. Miss you, Shelbs. Why do you do that? Why is with me when a camera turns on me? I'm like. It could technically be hotter in here, but I don't see how. You know what I mean? Like, I'm sure the temperature could go up, but I don't know how that would happen.

I do feel a little sticky. Yeah, it's hot. It's hot is what it is. And also humid is what it is. We're going to. Rare to get humidity in LA. It is a special moment. That was a Hiddem Original.