Keeping Records - Vibing Out Mankind (with Steve Hernandez)

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

Comedian and podcaster Steve Hernandez fills his Golden Record with vibes. It's not just the items, it's the feelings. Steve's Artifacts Eating chips and dip with family on holidays (multisensory experience) Receiving enjoyable anal sex for the first time (multisensory experience) When the Holy Spirit drops during "Pour Out My Heart" (multisensory experience) First time being permitted to feel a breast (multisensory experience) Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship, we know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Hello. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Hey. What's up, dude? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

What's up, dude? Oh, nothing. How's your day going? Oh, how is my day going? I think nice. Yeah? Yeah, why not? I mopped the kitchen floor today.

That's part of what made it nice for me. Yeah, in our shared home. Listeners need to know. We live together. Yeah, they know, I think. It's difficult because we have a white tile kitchen floor. Brag. We're bragging.

Huge brag. If you guys don't have white tile, get a grip. Although, have you decided whether or not we cracked the tile? I have decided that that was there before we moved in. Okay. Because we didn't put anything heavy in there.

No, but one of my boxes did break. There's a big crack, listeners, in our kitchen floor. On the kitchen floor. And we're curious if we did that or if maybe it was done unto us. And we've decided, I think, it had to have been there before. At least for legal purposes on the pot, we have to say. Yeah, if this is going on the record. For the record.

Couldn't have been us. Couldn't have been us. Would never have been us. My box never broke. I was lying before. If anything, we've added value to the house. I would say I've added value, yeah. Yeah.

Well, you add value in that you have value. What? What were we watching last night? Oh, Greenberg. Greenberg. Greenberg greenberg oh yeah and he said you have value as she goes in to get spoiler it's a 10 year old movie she goes in to get an abortion and he says you have value and she says i know you don't have to say that um that was greta gerwig she's an icon it was also ben stiller also you know good but um his character was unlikable ben stiller the man iconic iconic the movie greenberg should have been about greta gerwig's character yeah and not

about ben stiller's but we support ben stiller you know what do you know the movie oh god it's camp he's a camp director and he's really mean. Oh, mean camp director, 2006. No, but whatever it was. Heavyweights. Heavyweights. Heavyweights. Heavyweights. Okay, you know the movie Heavyweights? Right.

Ben Stiller does a workout where he slides on a thing and it's like he's going side to side. And it made me want to work out as a kid more than anything. There's nothing that seemed more fun to me in the world. Before we get into that, because I know a guy who's going to want to comment on heavyweights, let's introduce our guest today. You know him from Twitter. You know him from the Who's Your God podcast. You know him from the Chatterbox in Los Angeles. Please welcome... Steve Hernandez. Thank you so much for having me. It's so great to be here. I've been looking so forward to this.

We have been talking since we reached out to you about how excited we are to have you. This is iconic. Every car ride. Every car drive. Every ride around in the car. Every ride in the car. We drive around a lot. For the listeners, you don't know this.

I don't know if you do this, Shelby, but Caleb sends voice memos instead of texting. And so the first interaction I had with both of them is they were driving in a car talking about sending the voice memos. And at first, as an older Mexican man, I was bothered. But the more I started to think about it, I was like, oh, this is brilliant. It's perfect. It still gets done what you want done with the text. But you're able to add the voice intonation and you're like really painting a picture with it instead of just the flat words. Because a lot of times, you know, that's one thing that's a drawback from text. I don't like to have those uncomfortable texts sometimes because I'm afraid that, you know, it ruins friendships.

Yeah. We're both big voice memo people. We're big voice memo folks. It gets the immediacy of a phone call without having to spend time on the phone and you're on your own schedule. So like I get the part of the phone call that I prefer over text, which is like, I get to say what I need to say and I get to say it how I want to say it. And I don't have to like look at it, but I don't need someone on the line picking up it's like you'll respond when you respond Steve have you ever been in a group chat where voice memos were going off no it's that's the drawback of voice memos so I will say voice memo is good up until the point in a group chat of like more than three

people when they're just streaming in there's like like some bit people are doing. It's like backstage at a comedy show when people have gotten too hype on a bit. You can't get out of it. It's scary. I like that. That's the chaos that I thrive on. I like it if I'm sitting in a room with nothing else to do. But if I'm like trying to watch a TV show and be a part of it, it's sometimes. Well, sure.

That's the other drawback of a voice memo. It's like if you're doing something, it's like I got to like pause it or like if I'm in a room, someone walks in the room. I'm like, oh, well, I can't really look or read this right now. You know, it's a it's a solo act. Voice memos are solo acts. You have to be done on your own. It's a solo podcast.

Ben Stiller's heavyweight. It's important to all fat people across the world. You know, very a young person watching that and you're like maybe i can get the girl you know that kind of stuff you know and just a couple of them were ugly too they're like just fat but charming but just an all-star fat kid cast and really funny i think one of my absolute favorite ben stiller roles one of his earliest too but he's very, very good in that. Big ups to Heavyweights.

I love that fucking movie. Do you think that's the same character as Dodgeball? Yes. His character in Heavyweights is the same character as Dodgeball. White Goodman. Same character as, what was his name? I couldn't tell you. In Heavyweights.

I keep wanting to call him Sparky Pulaski, but that's not it. That's the trainer from. He's got like three characters. He's got like three of them. He had a whole sketch show, but Ben Stiller will go back to the three. You'll see him keep going back to the... Tony Perkis. Steve, have you seen Greenberg, 2010 Noah Baumbach film? Yes. I just watched the first half hour of it last week. Whoa. Yeah. Why are we all watching this movie right now? I saw it the first time and

it's not one of my favorites uh he's very unlikable but now that i've been living in la i'm from west covina which is a suburb of los angeles but now that i've been i've been in la proper for seven years and so i was like yeah i want to check out the east side like this is my home now and so they're all they're cruising the silver lake lounge they used to have a a big a couple of famous comedy mics there and everything so i'm just kicking back there fucking watching it and i'm like this is my town now but you know yeah that's an east side i i do like greenberg now he's very unlikable but you know silver lake los feliz is covered with these guys that are like the ben stiller character that are like Greenberg and then these perfect angels like Greta Gerwig so what are you so you're pro pro Ben Stiller's character in Greenberg or you just think he did an incredible job portraying a very real

character it's a it's a good vibe these guys who like are maybe rich that are staying in some beautiful home you you guys haven't been here long enough but it'll happen like all the time where somebody will invite you and you're like what the fuck like i went up before i got into stand-up 10 years ago i went through like the ucb thing and i never really got into it but like i think i think the third class some guy was like oh we could do at my house and we went to his house and was in the hills and i was like i was like what do you do man he's like oh nothing whatever and then we like ended up getting drunk and like hitting the jacuzzi and he wrote oceans 11 and matchstick men so that that i mean this kind of stuff happens

all the time really and he was in ucb and he was just taking fucking improv classes because he probably didn't have anything to do and also, I think he probably wanted to meet women. That was the kind of vibe I was getting from him. But you'll bump into that kind of shit all the time. He said, oh, I don't do much. I don't do much. I just write. Yeah, I just dabble in writing.

I know. Imagine that guy's life. He's got a big fat Mexican guy over. He's getting drunk at his house. He's like, what? I'm taking improv classes. He's like, how the mighty have fallen, huh? You Ocean's Eleven piece of shit. God, if I was that successful and wealthy

in entertainment and a teacher was like, I want you to initiate more with a positive energy. I'd be like, that's awesome. And I love the feedback, but ultimately I'm not here for it. Hey, that's crazy. I wrote Ocean's Eleven. I don't like where you took the scene. Oh, really? Well, let me tell you something about scenes. Well, it would have made 50 million at the box office. Oh, you don't like how I took the scene? You didn't like my decisions?

Trust me when I say. Nice guy, too. A guy named Ted. Very nice guy. Everyone can look him up because he wrote Ocean's Eleven. I loved him. I thought he was really cool. And he was good at improv And he was good at improv.

He was awesome at improv. Really good initiations. We had Matt Besser's wife as a teacher and she seemed very battered down. So Matt Besser, quit stand-up and become the family man you're supposed to become, okay? Everyone,

go hang out with your wife. Let this be a lesson. Let this be a lesson Let this be a lesson Steve, listen We brought you here for a reason We really did We want to know If you were in charge of your own golden record What would you put on it, big dog?

Have you guys seen the movie Contact? No No Dude, tonight watch Contact It's Jodie Foster's movie This isn't on my record But this is basically in a lot of ways what this movie is about is Jodie Foster plays like the person who listens and

those big like satellite things, those big ones and listens for alien stuff. And then the aliens began to talk back. It features Matthew McConaughey. Carl Sagan wrote the book that basically intertwines faith in science i thought of that because when i was listening to your uh first episode with homes homes she mentioned or you mentioned that the guy co-wrote like carl sagan and the guy who like did all the art stuff for this helped him they were like cohorts so this movie this book that i've read is so instrumental they talk about the exactly what we're talking about in this thing, too. All that to say that at some point at the end, I'm not going to say who, but they send a character to meet aliens.

And the whole thing is about vibes, right? So the whole thing is like feelings and shit. Okay, wait. Let me tell you that jodie foster's famous character says they should have sent a poet as she's weeping they should have sent the poet yeah so she's saying that stuff all that to say that when i was for a given this challenge of what would your five gold plates be you gave me some examples but i was just sitting in my blue chair if you follow me on instagram you see this is where i take pictures of my beautiful bride to be you know watching television but i'm sitting in my blue chair racking my fucking brains what are

these five and i was trying to squeeze them into like actual artifacts and julia was like dude i think they just want to have a conversation and i I was like, and you were like, they should have picked a poet. They will get artifacts. I will go. I'm going to do pure vibes because each of them is just to me about vibe. Now we talk, we communicate. I wanted to surprise you guys,

but I was like, I'm going to surprise you guys. And then you're like, okay. And I was like, I better not. We were very receptive. Yeah. Hey,

we were very receptive. We said, we love that. You were, but I just know I knew what I was not. We were very receptive. We were very receptive to being surprised. We said we love that. You were. But I just know I knew what I was thinking, and I was like, I don't want to just spring some of these on these guys. I want them to fucking marinate to be able to. I don't want to surprise anybody doing anything. And so I've got fucking my vibes that I want on this.

So when the aliens open up these fucking plates, they're just going to fucking feel shit. You know what I mean? I'm going to fucking vibe it out. They're going to understand humanity. There's some kind of mind meld thing. This isn't going to be as simple as a Beatles song or, you know,

an orangutan, like screaming, bloody murder. Okay. Drag the original. It's going to be fucking, they're going to open that gonna be fucking they're gonna open that shit up and they're just gonna fucking vibe out mankind and so what are they vibing with yeah

i dare you all right i'm going to you know i know i'm just setting this up right here all right the first one right here having chips and dip with my family at the holidays yeah that's the first one they're going to feel. This is like right here. I'm fucking talking like in such a way right now. Like, you got to know a few things about my family. Terrible cooks. Do not believe the hype about Mexicans.

Who's making the dip? Well, the dip's fine. That's why we're pounding the dip. Okay. Because I got some dry ass turkey. I got dry ass ham. And I got dry ass tamales coming at me fucking hot and so my family uh was always like we would pound this chip and dip so ever

since we were little i just remember a bunch of little mexican kids around like a sour cream based dip with the onion dip and now i bring it so if i have a choice there'll be a big sour cream are two mid-size sour creams i'm going to mid-size this is just sour cream no it's sour cream with onion dip with two packs of the powder in there and then i get two bags of lays for six dollars typically that's what it's been lately thank you for giving us the price point because that's really important for the budget well they'll know which size bag I'm talking about. That's what I'm doing. The aliens. Yeah. Yes. So they know this is a value, too. So I'm filling up on this dip. But I just love my family and my cousins so much. They really are the sweetest people. There's not a rotten apple

in the bunch. These are all very funny. Just all bad, bad cooks. They're bad, but it's our parents' fault. It's the aunts and uncles. You also said, Steve, ignore the stereotypes about Mexicans being able to go. Is it a stereotype that Mexicans can make a juicy ham? I think so. Okay. I haven't heard it. I'm here for it. Would you think off the top of your head, Caleb, watch this because this is going to be very incriminating, that they would make a dry ham?

Wouldn't you if you had to bet money? Oh, my God. Caleb thought all Mexicans make dry ham. Let me say something right now. First of all, I'm not scared of this question. You set it up like it was a big gotcha. I'll do this all day, bitch. I don't think of Mexican people as cooking ham one way or another was my point.

Oh, well, I just don't. I don't want you to get in your head that I've been spoiled with food. Okay. I'm not this big because of the good Mexican food. I'm this big because I'm filling up the chips and dip. So we've got an onion sour cream dip. What other dips? I'm open to like a standard chips and salsa thing, but that's not what I'm talking about.

You know, some of my white friends, they have a I could think of two good white friends that have a solid seven layer dip. Their mom makes like a great seven layer dip in a dishpan. Seven layer dip from the white friends. Oh, yeah. That's what I mean. West Covina. A lot of people don't know this, but West Covina, it's where the it's where Mexicans and whites have gone to meet and have little dirty looking kids. So it's 40% white, 40% Mexican.

The further out you go east from LA, it's just Mexican and whites getting together. So it's just Mexican and whites molding together. Then we have 20% Asians and blacks and everything like that. But I'm just saying yes i'm tight with white people i know white people thank you they're also not they're not these mid the first time i experienced racism was moving to los angeles proper and meeting all these midwest whites it's not these kind of whites these are like a paul walker white okay i'm talking like paul walker whites you know they wear vans walker is a you

don't think okay so when i think of paul walker i'm thinking varsity blues paul walker and that reads very midwestern to me yeah and you're thinking wrong you gotta think fast and the furious paul walker okay okay like there's always one white guy in like in a latino neighborhood they call them like milkweed m Mico, that kind of thing. And they're Dodger fans. Like they're a white Dodger fan to this day. If you guys don't know, listening in the aliens, if they're listening, when the Angels, when they were purchased in like the late 90s, the Angels became Southern California's and Los Angeles white team.

So this is a very distinct thing. You guys don't know this, but the Angels are the white team. So this is a very distinct thing. You guys don't know this, but the, the angels are the white team. And then Mexicans got the Dodgers because whites kept leaving the city because of too many Mexicans. But you do get a fucking white Dodger fan. Sometimes you'll get like a fucking, just an old school. Like I'm not going anywhere.

I love these people fucking just, and those kinds of white fans I'll fucking die for a white Dodger fan like that. I love these people. Fucking just. And those kind of white fans. I'll fucking die for a white Dodger fan like that. I'll breathe for a white Dodger fan. Listen, I know some people that are posting pictures of the Dodgers winning World Series that I would say fall more in line with the Midwest white than the L.A. white. Do you think they're fakes, Steve? They're not fakes. We're L.A.

So we're very. They're bandwagon fans. I was. No, I was talking to Maggie, Megan Gailey and CJ Toledano. And they're fakes, Steve? They're not fakes. We're L.A. They're bandwagon fans. No, I was talking to Megan Gailey and CJ Toledano, and they're big Dodger fans now, Laker fans. They moved here. You eventually move here, and we're not trying to push you out. This is going to be your home.

Shelby, this is your home now. Caleb, this is your home now. Thank you. So, yeah, I'm not like, no, I would be a fool to say, but if you motherfuckers came here and became Angels fan, sus. That's what I would say right now. Sus. Sus. Okay.

Wait, we're waiting into, I want to, I don't want to, you talked about something really political that I think is important for this time and I don't want to gloss over it. So I want to come back. Would you top or bottom for Paul Walker? Well, two things. Or neither. you top or bottom for paul walker um well two things uh or neither you know i'm not like i am queer bisexual i i you know i haven't ever had a very romantic relationship with a man caleb we talk about this we do but i haven't had a romantic relationship with a man but i would like to change that post pandemic i would like to go on dates and experience that. But to me, why even call yourself bisexual if you're topping? To me, you better be fucking me in the back. I

better be looking at a wall. I better be looking at a wall wondering what the fuck is happening back there. You know, the first time I had sex with a guy, this is true. The first time I had sex with a guy and it blew my mind because I think I was even still a Christian or whatever. But I met like through a hookup line or whatever. And the first time I had sex with the guy and it blew my mind because I think I was even still a Christian or whatever. But I met like through a hookup line or whatever. And the first time I had sex with him and he fucked me missionary style. And I didn't even know that was a thing that could happen when he was doing that and just like throws his legs over my shoulder. I was like, what the fuck is I did not know what the fuck was happening. Paul Walker.

I want him to fuck me missionary style. I want to look at those baby blues and I want to fucking get lost. Let me tell you how much my family loves Paul Walker. My family loves the Fast and the Furious series as a family. We went up until part six. We went together as a family, truly taking up a row of seats. And my dad was so sad when paul walker died that i remember like we were just sitting there together and he would like text

me a picture of like a smoke cloud over the crash site when paul walker dies and he was he was like do you see a face absolutely not he was absolutely not do you see a face in there he said that in front of the clouds over the crash site and then uh he was he i remember we were quiet and he said i don't know where he was like if it's an open funeral i'm driving there i don't care where it is and he was dead serious he just wants to see the body he doesn't want to go to the funeral i was thinking i was thinking open casket not open funeral no no and i was like he only wants to go if the caskets open i was like i want to see it's mangled i was like i don't know like that seems a little bit too far dude the funniest thing ever i'll send it to you guys later too i posted it on twitter and stuff i've seen this yes

when kobe died there's somebody like posted or sent it to me and i showed to my dad and my dad like stopped what he was doing and like looked at this and he said because i did it to me and I showed it to my dad and my dad like stopped what he was doing and like looked at this. And he said, cause I did it to be teasing a little bit. There's a picture of Kobe, like entering heaven and Paul Walker leaning against the car and saying like, need a ride. But he didn't, he didn't say that. My dad posted this picture on his Facebook and he wrote as a caption,

he made up the caption, need a ride. But I sent that picture to my dad and then my dad was helping me install shutters. And he fucking stopped what he was doing. And he like sat down and he said, he said, this makes me sad. And like he said, in such a human, tender way, I was like, fuck. Like, I was like, yeah, me too now. I feel a very different kind of sad when I see the like anyone who's died in 2020 that gets put in like heaven standing with each other.

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like Ruth Bader Ginsburg. RBG like dapping up the host of the TV show. John McCain, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's like Regis Feldman and RBG like sitting at a diner and getting waffles or something. And it's like rays of sunshine all on them. That makes me a different kind of sad.

I'm sad that they're dead. I'm more sad that that exists. But it's another layer of sadness where you're like, I never in my life needed to know that there are people imagining Ruth Bader Ginsburg and like twerking on Chadwick Boseman as like an act of like purity and like heartfulness as a welcome to heaven i don't i don't like to think that they're banging as a welcome to heaven somebody tweeted there was an earthquake in la brody gupta is fucking wild and la or this well, this is a really LA-heavy episode,

which I guess we could have expected with Steve, but Earthquake Twitter is a fun thing to be a part of. You see it from afar, and then you move here, and you get to be a part of it. But Brody tweeted some version of, what was it? It was, that's RBG popping. I know. It was like, that was Chadwick blowing out rbgs back

yeah it was the funniest tweet and it was like right in earthquake twitter like it was in the perfect moment were you guys awake for the storm for thunderstorm twitter the other day oh yeah i wasn't on twitter i was awake for it but i wasn't didn't log on. It was like Earthquake Twitter. It's the first time in my lifetime on Twitter, the past 10 or 11 years, where it rained and Lightning Storm was so crazy that it became Earthquake Twitter, Twitter because of the thunderstorm, which is, it was really cool and fun.

And everyone, it's like midnight. Everyone's trying to pop off the best joke they can. So that's like the thing. Well, that's Earthquake Twitter. Yeah, it's Earthquake Twitter. So it's really funny. It's in the moment. But yes, if they could vibe out...

I didn't even talk about... This isn't a fancy food, folks, all right? We're not a rich people. Out the gate for about 20 people, this is an appetizer for $12, $13. But it's rich, it's salty, it's fatty. It's my shit. That family love, that delicious food, that is the vibe.

The number one vibe that I want these aliens to know Earth is all about. So the first thing that you're putting on your records is chips and dip with the family at the holidays. And I think somewhere in there you brushed up against another one of yours. Well, I don't know exactly which one you're talking about. I know which one he's talking about. Tell me and I'll dive into it. said that you you you told us before the recording and you're allowed to change your mind that you wanted to add as one of your things on your record the first time it felt good

getting fucked in the ass it was your very first time a feel-good time no it was never that good it was never like that you want i wanted it but i couldn't have put my finger on it like it didn't feel good i would say it's only in the past couple of years where i and it was a slow acceptance for me it's funny i've been doing stand-up for 10 years but i've been fucking around with guys for probably about 20 years now and i've been joking about it too but i would have never called myself bi. I would have never, I would say like, no, I'm not, you know, I'm not gay. I just, you know, like guys sucking my dick, just stuff like that. It's like straight up out of a movie or something

of like a guy who does it, you know, on old school or something. A guy on a football team who's like, no, no, no, dude, it just like feels good. And it's like one of your bros bros can fuck it's that bad but i i fell in love with a guy slowly uh a couple of years ago he passed away so that's very sad i don't want to get into that part of it but this is a very charismatic guy very self-destructive and he wanted me in such a way that i had never like experienced like any, you know, with women, I've never felt such a carnal desire from a woman before like that, where it's like, oh my God, I want you. So, so it was like, he was very aggressive with me where eventually I remember we had sex enough

where I was like, oh, like I, if this guy wasn't so self-destructive, I think I could fall in love with this guy. And I say now that he's passed, I would say that I loved him. But it was it's such an interesting feeling. I think I don't know if you guys one of the last time this happened to you where it's like, oh, all the things I thought that were a way about me kind of have shifted. And I just thought it was so fucking interesting to just like getting banged out all of a sudden where it was like oh this fucking feels great i don't know do you like getting banged out caleb no i'm famously anti-sex i think it's a chore you know i want to have sex because unfortunately I'm burdened with that.

But I think, no, I mean just the preparation of it all, the theater of it. And also, here's what I will say, Steve. I would rather be fucked in a mean way, like where it's like angry, than when people try to be cute about it and like want to make jokes during it i i hooked up for a while with this guy in chicago that was always like talking like movie dialogue he'd always be like well it seemed you really liked that and i was like that makes me itchy it's like that scene in ladybird after she fucks timothy chalamet for the first time and she goes uh she like looks at a picture of him as a kid and goes like, fast forward. Who would have known?

And it's like, yucky, yucky, yucky, yucky. That's just something so cool about to me growing up as perceiving myself to be as a heterosexual guy. You think of sex as one way, but it's just such a different thing to say, oh, I want... I remember thinking at some point, man, if I could be a woman for a day, I would have sex so much. I think that'd be so cool. I would like for someone to be inside of me. And then I was like, oh, I guess I could just do it this way too. So it's such a cool, different feeling to turn yourself over to something, to someone, to just like literally be like getting used in that way. This has nothing to do with love.

This has a feeling where you're just automatically gratifying someone at such a base carnal way, which I had never felt that way with a woman where she needed me physically like that. It's such a dope ass, cool feeling that I think people are missing out on. I would say straight guys are guys who aren't willing to explore that shit. It's such a dope, cool human feeling that if you don't allow yourself to feel that, I think you're like missing out on like some of the most glorious. It's a glorious human experience. You talk about going from being quote unquote straight to fucking around with dudes and still not calling yourself queer to now being in this space where you're like, yeah, I love fucking dudes. I identify as queer. You and your partner, Julie are open and you still, you hook up with

other folks. Do you have something that you attribute this like transition to that other, cause there are a lot of straight men having gay sex that some of them are straight and just it's a power thing but then other of them i think would be more free if they would take this approach you've taken but can't get past this like fucked up man stuff that we have in our head of being like straight this is this is an earnest ask of caleb's but it's also him pleading to his type he's like if you're a man that's straight and you want to fuck men please just be open to that like steve has evolved how about the straight guys that i'm going to also be evolved he's asking an earnest question and i do think you should answer it but i do I did need to note that he, that was also a campaign.

You know, I used to be a youth pastor at Omega church. One of my things touch on that. And so I didn't give a fuck about then it, I knew then that I was being a loser in the world. Like I truly knew to be a youth pastor was a loser thing. I remember being 22 or 23. And then my, I remember they had the baccalaureate, which I don then my i remember they had the baccalaureate which i don't know if you guys have the baccalaureate i skipped it because it was religious yeah they have a baccalaureate that's like a religious graduation where they had it at our mega church that was in west covina and they were like oh can you speak you used to go to west covina and i spoke and I remember uh it was my English teacher Mr. Okuro who was a good great teacher and I remember he was like hey Steve how you doing and

I was a good writer we had you know we I liked him and he I remember he like I was like yeah I'm right here I'm on fire for the Lord and I remember the look of like I'm on fire for the Lord he like pitied me like truly you don't know what it's like to be pitied by an english teacher but i could tell in his eyes he pitied me so i felt like a loser so to go from there to stand up comedy it to me they're almost the same thing all all i'm saying is is if i'm if i'm doing stand up comedy i'm trying to tell the truth it's why i this. I'm trying to figure out who I am. And to me, I'm like, why would you be this, do this if you have to lie, if you can't be who you are? So to me, I've just been always exploring that. I tried to tell that some of this gay shit, I tried to like make jokes about it when I started comedy 10 years ago, but it's so hard. I had to figure out how to say it in a way because

straight guys won't laugh at a lot of it because then it means they're gay. So I had to figure out how to say things in a way for them to be okay with it. So, I mean, it's not easy. I had to fight for it. And I have to tell my family. I remember with my ex-wife, we brought, we shared a girlfriend. Once we shared, I brought her to a family party. Big mistake. You know, I'm a loser.

I've like made a bunch of dumb mistakes, but I honestly, this is who I am. And I'm like, you know, it's, it's hard. It's easier just to go with the flow. So it's not easy,

but I do it for, you know, the fucking Mexicans in Covina. I do this. I talk about this so that they'll begin to come out. I tell them from the stage at the Chatterbox. I'll be like, you know, you guys know you have that sad gay uncle who lies and he comes around and he has to lie. And, you know, he's sad around your grandma.

I was like, do you want that for your friends? Do you want that for you? I tell them the shit when I'm bartending. So it's just going to take a while especially mexicans i was talking to my friend jonathan sorter wow who's a very funny comedian he just did the hbo latino thing we have to fight to normalize this shit a lot more than other people so we just got to talk about it more because i do think so many more guys are uh gender fluid and queer and do the shit in secret and jack off to fucking guys and do all this stuff. It's normal.

We got to talk about it more. We got to be loud about it. All that kind of shit. We have to be brave. We have to be brave. And if you're a straight guy. I'm a brave comedian. And if you're a straight guy that Caleb thinks is cute, give it a shot. Be brave, bitch. Be brave. Stop being a fucking coward.

There is nothing more manly than if you were to have sex with Caleb. That's so true. That's pretty hot though. I like that for you, Caleb, a guy being mean to you when fucking you. I like that. Oh,

look, God, I hate that. I said that. I don't always like sex that way. I'm just saying I far prefer it. Most of almost always to like the way that people and people do this with all parts of their life but i particularly hate it during sex because then i'm

naked people try to make their life like uh they try to write the movie of their life while they're living it and you're having sex with them and they're being like you know saying these little things they're like why are you saying i do write the movie of my life when I'm in the car in the rain. Yeah, but you're alone and no one is inside of you. So, you know, that's your journey. I did not say that. Well, that's how it should be, honey. Just kidding.

Usually when I'm driving alone in the car, there's also no one inside of me. Almost always. Almost explicitly. Now, I touched on my third one steve i have to stop you yes we have to throw to a break yeah steve i fucking rudely i want to hey i want to apologize for my partner here. Sorry, we're back. We're back. Oh, don't worry. Maybe you were hitting on me by being mean to me.

That's what I figured. Maybe that was foreplay for you. I'm going to cut this guy off. Maybe he'll cut me off. You know, that kind of thing. God, I will say there is something hot about that. If you're on the highway, someone's trying to pass you and you're not letting them and you go back and forth and back and forth that's kind of hot you find that hot can be if you're really really working at it you're both kind of you're both

fighting i know what feeling she's talking about it's like an elevated aggression thing and then where you're like almost smiling like oh okay are we doing this yeah like that kind of a thing not when i'm in a rush not when i need to be somewhere. It's like a long road. Like I'm driving home from Chicago and there's a car that like goes to pass me and I'm like, no, you're not going to pass me. And then they're like, babe, I want to. If Steve had been on my side

about calling you out just now, I would have gone in on it. But since he was on yours, I have decided to agree. Thank you. It's so odd. you know the longer i'm on this planet now i'm not surprised by most anything but sometimes now the older i get the more i'm like oh this person turns me on or this thing turns me on it's like the craziest thing

where when you're younger you know i remember getting an erection from the christina aguilera dirty video like a straight up hard boner from watching a music video. That's crazy. No, but it was like 2 PM in the daytime. Is she not? It's 2 PM in the daytime. I want you guys to picture literally watching a music video right now.

And just like, like what kind of an animal maniac gets hard from a music video? Give me a break. There's some hot music videos. Hey, it's a hot music video. Yeah. What are you getting horny for now? And she's absolutely filthy. Just juice. Yeah, it's just about the juice of chemistry between someone when you're

talking to them. Now that's all. That's all that gets me off anymore. You know, as open as I am and all these things, I'm sober now. I haven't drank in two years. So it is very hard to have sex with people unless you like them. It's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I really hate it.

I like all that mindless drunk sex rolling around. Group sex. Crazy shit happening. But now I have to enjoy the person. About once a year, pre-pandemic, you meet somebody at a bar or somewhere at a party and you start talking and that juice gets fucking cooking, baby, out of nowhere.

I remember the last time this happened for me was at Mendocino Farms downtown. Shut up. Don't talk about Mendocino Farms. There's this little redhead hostess. I was meeting my friend John Gove there, and we were meeting for lunch and they like say, oh, these are our specials. There's this short redheaded hostess, a little short stack. And we were just talking. And then her and I started cooking like really like, whoa, like so much so that afterwards my friend John was like, what was that?

Like, I don't know if you've ever been with a friend and they're like, what was that? And I'm like, I don't know. And he's like, you should go get her number. And was like i just you know kayla mentioned it i'm you know i'm non monogamous julie is pretty monogamous but i'm like very i do my best to be very responsible about it my last marriage i was not responsible i was this bad guy i was the bad i was the i wore ethical slut t-shirt you know i was as bad as they come before but now being responsible with non-monogamy basically means you don't do anything with anyone because someone's feelings are going to get hurt usually that's what i found so he's like why don't you get that girl's number and i was like i don't want to explain this shit to someone i was like i'm gonna look like a fucking

fat mexican creep you know i don't want them to understand all this stuff. It's like now the thing has to slow. What do you guys think? I have so many podcasts. It's to put it out there, baby. It's so someone could slowly listen to me for eight years, hours of me and be like, you know, maybe I'll date the guy. So that's why I podcast. That's why I'm glad to be here today. My number three thing should come to no surprise. I think now, because I've listened to the first two episodes of this, Shelby, do you have any kind of religious upbringing, Shelby? I'm Jewish. So did you go to synagogue?

Yeah, I went to, I had, I didn't, I was never like an every Shabbat temple person, but I went to Hebrew school Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sunday school on Sundays. And I went to Jewish camp Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sunday school on Sundays. And I went to a Jewish camp. Do you guys sing songs? Yeah, mostly and almost explicitly in Hebrew. I'm like, maybe kind of in Hebrew, but it's Hebrew. You don't get lost in the songs like we do over in Evangelical Christianity. Oh, some of them you do.

Some of them are absolutely gorgeous tonally. Do I know what I'm saying most of the time? No, I'd have to Google it. But there's one at camp that we sing that like, I don't know. No, no, no, no. I would need a group because what I was going to say is that I don't know who decided who goes into what part, but everyone just kind of harmonizes with each other. And as you just choose where you lie in the song and the whole camp is singing. There's like four different canons going.

Stunning, beautiful. One of the most gorgeous songs I've ever heard. Do one of them. No. Do you know the name of the song? We do it at the end of Shabbat to end the Sabbath. It's called End of Shabbat Song. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine if all of the hebrew prayers were like when translated it was like beginning of prayer service mid prayer service led zeppelin 2 end of shabbat song uh i was a mega church youth pastor but i started off as a worship leader and so my number three one is one of my there's two songs but this is the one I picked when you're fucking leading worship and the Holy Spirit drops in and that fucking shit starts cooking during Pour Out My Heart

that's one of my songs can you sing a little bit of that one for us Steve? yeah I mean you gotta listen to it don't listen to me sing it I'll sing it maybe after wait till you guys hear it this version isn't too dissimilar from the one we would play, too.

So this is the last song in a five-song worship series right here. Right now, everyone's already eyes are closed. Their hands are raised. They fucking know what's going to hit them right here. Here we go. Here comes me. Here I am once again. Here comes me. Here I am. Once again. Absolutely, Steve.

Pour out my heart. I know that you hear every sound. So that's obviously iconic. No matter what. If anybody in the house wants to be saved tonight, come down to the altar. Here it comes right here. Absolutely not. Come on!

Let's go! Does anybody love Jesus in the house? Yes! Yes! To Wardo! Oh, Jesus in the house. Yes. Yes. To what? No. To say what? Jesus is the way.

Mike, cut this shit. So, dude, when we would lead worship, it would be, I mean, I have full band. Mike cut this shit So dude When we would lead worship It would be I mean I have full band Three BGVs You would do I would hold up hand signals to lead them right

So I'd give them a one for the verse music Two for the chorus music Three the holy Just fucking keep going Like right now So that refrain right there, pour out my heart. And then sometimes I would take the music down right there.

Acapella pour out my heart, like saying like that kind of thing. And then do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do level to an octave. Dude, honestly, it's the one thing I miss most about if the only thing about church is having 300, 1000, 1500 people closing their eyes, like lifting their hands, projecting like the love of God, like focusing on this one thing. It sounds like what you experienced shelby is very similar but that

feeling when you like when everything's fucking firing at all cylinders it's like killing a comedy but it's different because singing i mean comedy can never compete with music but when it would get cooking like that that feeling of unification that mankind was one there's no feeling like that absolutely loved it i do miss that shit but it is it is like I've never felt more at one with the universe than when I was worshiping a fake God that doesn't exist. So you don't worry, Steve, that putting this on your record and sending it into space might make aliens think that the Christian God is real and true. I want them to because I want them to go through the same bullshit as we had to. Okay. I had to figure it out, too. You want them to have i want them to go to do the same bullshit as we'd had to okay i i had to figure it out too yeah you want them to have to grow through it be we have it thrust upon them and

then have to work your way back yeah have you seen how you guys know how reasonable jewish people are they're so nice they're all well functioning cut the shit all right i had to fight for this okay i had to figure out that well you know maybe God didn't write this book through men 3000 years ago. I have to get emails from my mom with videos saying that the coronavirus vaccine is the mark of the beast. All right. I want those aliens to have to deal with that, too. We take a really strong stance on this pod that you seem to align with that Jewish people

are perfect. You know, Julie and I are getting married very, very soon. She's not Jewish. I've always wanted to convert to Judaism. I love that religion. So fucking it's like, yeah, there's a God. He does whatever the fuck he wants and we just got to deal with it. I like that. Plus Charlotte and Harry sex in the city. I've always wanted to convert full. That shit's romantic. Oh, I'll, I'll help you with your bar mitzvah if you want. I love, I mean, I love all that stuff.

I love theology still. I am going to start a Bible podcast soon. I've been fighting it for so long, but for a bunch of different reasons, I'm like, all right, I'm in a place where I love this shit. So there's still so much I love growing up like this and knowing the Bible and all these things. It's really fucked up in a bunch of ways, but I want to start to re-explore it as like a real thoughtful thinking comedian. And it's going to be called You Made It Weird with Steve Fernandez. You know what? Before we get into your number four, I kind of

want to play this or that. Okay. Let's do it. This or that. You know what this or that is. It's a speed round where we put 60 seconds on the clock and you have to answer a series of very quick questions. Would you choose one thing or the other? I'm going to start the timer right now, shall we? Being able to jump really high or being able to fall asleep on command. Fall asleep on command. Shania Twain or Faith Hill?

Shania Twain. Super bad or Easy A? Superbad. Lady Gaga or Lady Fingers? Lady Gaga, baby. Ray Romano or Romano Cheese? Ray Romano. Champagne for your real friends or real pain for your sham friends?

Real pain for my sham friends. Travel to the past or travel to the future? Travel to the past. Pepper Jack or Peppa Pig? Pepper Jack. Covered in fur or covered in scales? Covered in fur. Power Rangers or Ninja Turtles?

Ninja Turtles. Know how you will die or know when you will die? When? Eggs Benedict or Benedict Cumberbatch? Benedict Cumberbatch. Hot dog or hamburger? Hot dog. And that's time. You got through so many, Steve.

You're very decisive. You know, I've listened to episodes. Everyone, I guess, talks about it more. But you guys are pretty quick. I don't know. I don't know what happened there, guys. But Steve is such a good podcast guest that when we tried to give him the rundown before the show,

he cut me off and said, I know how it goes. That's a professional, baby. You can't touch Steve Hernandez. I love podcasting. I get mad. I get mad when you hear like comedians say, I guess I have to start a podcast.

I'm like, you piece of shit. Get away from me. Like, I love this art form. I love this platform so much. Okay, what's your next thing? Tell us about it. All right, number four. I love this art form. I love this platform so much. Okay, what's your next thing? Tell us about it. All right, number four. I worded this differently in the thing I sent you guys, but I will say it's the first time a woman lets you fill her titty. And thank you for saying a woman lets you. Let's start there. Let's start there. Yeah, the first time a woman lets you

fill her titty. This is you're coming from a guy who grew up in church, so I think of this stuff. Now, I don't have too much of issues with sex stuff because of my christianity but there is like i will say one of the first girls i dated very early on i remember we were kissing on a couch and i like went to touch her boob and like i looked in her eyes and it was like such a pained expression like because she was christian and she felt like such a pained expression. Like, cause she was Christian and she felt like, yeah, she was Christian. Like her face was so pained that I like touched her boob on her shirt. And then I was like, I was like, Oh, I'm so sorry. And she's like, it's okay. I just like, don't feel like that. Like Christ would approve or anything like that.

I was like, okay. And so now I remember the, my first real girlfriend in high school, like, and she was like a non-Christian and shit, so things were fucking rocking. But I'll never forget her face. I'll never forget the first time I touched titty meat. Titty meat. And still to this day, it's still so soft.

It's the softest meat. It's one of the softest qualities. And a blanket. There's a velvet blanket. Don't call it meat. It's meat. It's meat. I'm not sure. And I do want to.

That's why I worded it. I didn't want to just say it's touching this. Because it is the look in a woman's face where she's like giving, saying like, you can do it, baby. You may touch my boob. You may touch my boob. And she's like smiling about it. Because as much as I don't have any hangups about sex. I did have hangups about that.

Women were like, like sex as much as guys did because I grew up in the church. I always thought they did it because they loved us. And then I'll never forget. Like, oh, this is just love for them. I'll never forget. I was still a minister when Eyes Wide Shut came out. Have you guys seen Eyes Wide Shut? Dude, there's a scene where Nicole Kidman tells Tom Cruise like she saw the sailor guy and she wanted to fuck him so bad and she was willing to throw it all away for him. And I remember sitting in that theater at the Covina AMC 20 and was like, blown away that she wanted to just have sex with this guy for carnal reasons. I was like blown away. I will never forget the, I mean, I knew about Christian

dating culture growing up cause I was in it, but the worst of it honestly was when I was in undergrad and a bunch of guys in my fraternity were in these like new age Christian programs where like their pastors were setting them up with girls in sororities and they wouldn't, they wouldn't spend time alone because they didn't want to be tempted to kiss. And they would get engaged after two months of dating because they had talked about it with their youth pastor. It was insane. These are 22-year-olds. I don't like it.

Disgusting. It's really gross. There's a book called, I don't know if you guys might be a little too young, but it was called I Kissed Dating You guys might be a little too young But it was called I Kissed Dating Goodbye That like took Christian dating By storm Well you didn't date You would just court

That was the big thing With this guy It's just courting So you would be with the families But I'm not interested in Having fun with you I only want to do this If we're going to get married

And be 21 I will say That's big in the Jewish culture Orthodox Jews Orthodox Jews Get married Have kids Do that quick Do that quick do this if we're going to get married and be 21. I will say that that's big in the Jewish culture. Orthodox Jews. Orthodox Jews get married, have kids. Do that quick. Do that quick. Also, that's like the whole reason for birthright. When you, the trip to Israel is for young, because there's an age cutoff. The reason they do that is because the point is to go to the holy land to meet a partner. you do birthright not yet and i'm running out of time you're already married so at this point it would be weird that's the craziest part the kid

because i don't want to leave i'd have to find a sitter for so long um yeah uh so i yeah i think i would love for these aliens to enjoy that feeling of somebody because I still even to this day, whenever I get to, I'm lucky enough for a woman to like, you know, let and I don't think that I know they have want to have sex with me, too. But I still think it's just so nice to get naked with somebody, with somebody that shows you their bodies and you never know what their nipple, what color that it's going to be. I'm always surprised. It's just like such a sweet, like very intimate thing about, you know, and I'm thinking about women right now. It's like, oh, I'm always surprised. It's just like such a sweet, like very intimate thing about, you know, and I'm thinking about women right now is like, oh, I'm showing you this. You can touch these incredibly soft parts of my body. I just think it's such a sweet, like vulnerable thing. And, you know, I like I'm very appreciative. Thank you for giving me this

gift and for sharing yourself with me in this way with guys, I'm just like, let's get gross and fuck. But I still think it's very sweet. But with women, you say grace. You're a pervert with men, but you're a simp with women. For men, you're like, let's just do this. Hey, Steve, we have a question for you. Yes. What's one thing in all of human history that you want stricken from the record? And Steve, it doesn't

have to be war. Or like murder. Famine. Or like Paul Walker dying. Because we know you love those things. So you can just get to the things you don't like. You know what I really hate? It's one thing and then by extension another thing, but I just really really the things you don't like. You know what I really hate? It's one thing, and then by extension, another thing. But I just really, really hate the Lord of the Rings.

I hate it. I know it makes so many people happy. Hate mail. I fucking hate the Lord of the Rings. I'm sorry, man. It's always bothered me. I tried reading. I love to read books.

I tried reading The Hobbit when I was younger. All the different names and shit that really just bugs me. It really always bothered me that I tried reading. I love to read books. I tried reading The Hobbit when I was younger. All the different names and shit that really just bugs me. It really always bothered me that I couldn't figure out what the fuck was happening in these books. And then when the movies came out, and I was at the age where when the movies came out, you went to see these three hour motherfuckers at midnight the night before they came out.

So I remember going to big groups of friends to see these fucking long ass movies. I fell asleep during the first one. They're walking. When I fell asleep, I woke up. came out so i remember going in big groups of friends to see these fucking long-ass movies i fell asleep during the first one they're walking when i fell asleep i woke up the movie's over still walking didn't do anything for me yeah and then by extension what's it called game of thrones fuck that shit same thing i don't well i haven't seen it here's the thing i haven't seen either of them so i have no problem striking them from the record. It would actually make me feel more in with the zeitgeist. Right now, I'm like, yeah, that's a part of the world that seems to have a lot of gusto. People love it.

Order of the Rings is one of those things that it's a bigger problem, but it's a really good example of the bigger problem which is when people about media are like oh you just have to pay really close attention and learn all this stuff and understand these rules and it's like right or i could just watch a fucking movie that i don't have to know 17 000 different terms there are people being like well you have to understand the map of middle earth and you're like i don't want to know the map i don't know the map of the united states i don't know where north dakota is so you want me know the map. I don't know the map of the United States. I don't know where North Dakota is. So you want me to learn Middle Earth? I don't know Earth, period.

I really don't like fandoms, to be honest. And they're just some of the craziest fans. I think there are so few things and people that are deserving of fandoms. I think I would freak out over Dolly Parton. I would freak out over Stephen King. If I bumped into Stephen King at the mall, just because I started reading his shit, like in middle school, I've read so many of his books. If I bumped into Stephen King, I would be like, oh, let me take a picture with you.

If I bumped into Stephen King, I would run the fuck away. You catch my dust. Everybody else like giving themselves over to things i don't know man as a child from abused home i've got my walls up baby i'm not just giving myself up to these things okay my grandma made me uh something about fandoms apparently in my grandma's head a sweet angel who we love is that she thinks they're genetic because my dad is a huge star wars fan and i've never i've watched like one and a half of the movies uh and none of those are a full one of the movies i've watched halves of many of them uh not a fan she made me a covid mask that is star wars print and i wear it everywhere because i'm like it's so sweet that she handmade this but i'm like walking around la and

people are thinking i'm a fucking star wars freak meanwhile she also made me a mask and it's gorgeous mud cloth you know i don't get to be stylish i have to be a star wars freak not freak like bad freak like fanatic it's so freeing to not be like that too i might have been that way about some things in my 20s too but the older i get like julia we'll watch the mandalorian and we just watch those and she just we just when baby yoda comes on we're just like oh look at him like just look how cute he is like look at this guy and then like boba fett recently in the second season pops up which is like a like a hardcore character from star wars and i was like hey you know who this guy is? And she's like, no. And I was like, doesn't matter. Let's just keep looking at that fucking cute ass baby Yoda. She's like, yeah. I've never seen a single Star Wars.

Star War. And I've never seen The Mandalorian. And I just don't think I want to get into it. I feel like there's two ways it can go. I'm bored. I don't want to watch it. It was a waste of time. Or I really do like it. And then I have to commit like what? 18 hours of my life to figuring out all the other stuff. There's so many of them. And everyone's like, you have to watch six and then three and then two and then eight and then one.

And you're like, why wouldn't they make them in order? You know what? Just to cap this off, since we're deleting Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, I'll just go ahead and throw it in fuck star trek too yeah i don't need i don't need any of this spacey shit fantasy world steve thank you so much for being on the pod thank you so much for having me what a pleasure we could

have gone for a couple more hours we really could. Is there anything we didn't get to that you want noted for your records? I am not doing this one. No, it's too. No, absolutely. Are you kidding me? There's one more and I'm not dropping it now. Listeners, you are missing out. It's a good one and we're never going to tell you what it is.

Steve, we love you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me on. We had a blast. That's the end of the pod. Another one down. And now he has to die. Only a couple more until HeadGum sells us our souls back.

The agreement we made. That was a Headidgum Original.