Keeping Records - We Are Mops (with Sydnee Washington)

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

Comedian and podcaster Sydnee Washington (Hobby Hunter, Syd Can Cook) is prepared to show the aliens what they need to know about humans: the power of Rhianna, Earth's laziness, what we're willing to do for horniness, and Queen Latifah. Sydnee's Artifacts Fenty Makeup (tool) Swiffer mop (tool) Strap-on (tool) Set It Off (audio-visual) "Do You Think...?" Listener Picks Mary Kate Olsen's Zoom Divorce (audio-visual)  Nicki Minaj calling out Miley Cyrus at the VMAs (audio-visual) sensation of an icy hot patch (multisensory experience) Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konichiwa.

Olai saludo sato. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Caleb, do you think I should invest in a tongue scraper? What?

And don't cancel me. Is that? I don't know. People keep talking about them. And I assume it's something to like have fresher breath. And let me be very clear. One, it's not like bad breath is like a condition I suffer with. But everyone can have fresher breath.

But at the moment, it doesn't matter what my breath smells like. I don't see anyone. But people keep talking about tongue scrapers. And I'm like, should I be buying one? That's such a brave, it's such a brave thing for you to say to me, who spends every single day with you to say, don't put on the pot that I have bad breath. It's not true. And it's mean. I'm not. And I'm actually just going to continue what I was saying, though, which was you saying it doesn't matter how your breath smells. Your breath could be really rank. Fortunately for both of us, it's not. But I'm saying if the tongue scraper was necessary,

I would have to let you know. And that's my stake in it. Okay. Well, do I need to buy a tongue scraper? I don't think so. because I don't know what it does. I don't either. What's up with you? Oh, my God. I started re-watching Roseanne. What? The original series.

You stopped watching The Shield? I am still in the midst of watching The Shield. I'm on season seven of The Shield, hit FX program starring Michael Chiklis. Yeah. And I'm now circling back to Roseanne from the 90s. And how's that going for you mentally? Amy Sherman Palladino was a staff writer on that show. I didn't know that.

Okay. And then she went on to wear all those crazy hats and then create Gilmore Girls and Marvelous Miss Maisel. The Marvel film. Just kidding. What if I thought that? That Marvelous Miss Maisel is a part of the Marvel universe? Yeah.

Just because Marvel's in the word. I auditioned to play, like, well, I don't know if I can that? That Marvelous Miss Maisel is a part of the Marvel Universe? Just because Marvel's in the word. I auditioned to play, like, well, I don't know if I can say what it was. Because I actually think it's not up yet. Let's just invite our guest in. Let's just invite our guest in. Oh, my God. Our guest today is an absolute icon. You might know her from Twitter or Instagram, where she does a hot segment called Sitkin Cook. You've seen her

on Comedy Central's Up Next. You know her from her existing podcast called Unofficial Expert on Forever Dog and you know her if not yet, you will soon for her new podcast on HeadGum, Hobby Hunter. Please welcome Sydney Washington.

Oh my god. I'm so glad that we talked about a tongue scraper up top. Do you use? I do not use, but I do see a lot of people when they're doing front facing, you could see their tongue

and it's white. And it's not just one or two. It's a lot of people who have kind of like white ashy tongues. So I think everyone can invest in one yeah do you ever see someone who has like they're in a picture and their tongue's out and their tongue's like not even just white but like yellowed white do you like that really actually is so unnerving to me but i don't know why i'm seeing a lot of people like get invested in tongue scrapers right lately

a lot of people are sitting on the couch or laying on the bed or laying on the floor and they're there all day. And it's like snacks are involved and not a lot of water is involved. And so it's just a lot of germs building up on your tongue. And that's why that's happening.

And all you have to do is sit around and think about what you are and aren't doing in life. There it is. So you think about, is my tongue fucked up? Have I been taking care of my tongue? Do I take care of my mouth? It's the strongest muscle in the body.

Is it? They keep saying that. I don't know. That's the thing that they say, but that can't be so. I could lift so much more with an arm than with a tongue. Right? Maybe it's like a per capita. I'm going to be dirty capita. I'm going to,

I'm going to be dirty and I'm going to say some people are really good with their tongue. And I'm, I'm just going to say some people can lift, they can lift with their tongues. Are you one of them? I'm going to say no, I do not identify as a strong tongue person. I haven't,

I haven't countered people like that on the street, just in sort of a business relationship in a business way. I was, I was going to congratulate you't encountered people like that. On the street, just in sort of a business relationship. In a business way. I was, I was going to congratulate you because that sounds awesome, but nevermind. Sydney, listen, we brought you here for a reason. We are sending something up to space and we wanted to know, what's the first thing that you would include on your records? Okay.

First thing, it's going to be Fenty makeup. Okay. wanted to know uh what's the first thing that you would include on your records okay first thing it's going to be fenty makeup okay fenty makeup is superior makeup i mean it just it just took them so many years hundreds of years to figure out like color matching for all types of shades of people and i don't know if you know this but we are on rihanna's internet right now yes and yeah not only was she giving us music she's giving us looks but she's also making sure that we are confident in our skin so yeah the aliens should know about that it's important that you said rihanna was giving us music because it's been a minute she's been busy you know doing the makeup thing.

That's so much science, and you can't do science and music at the same time. She's in the wild. Name one musician scientist. Unfortunately, Caleb, I have to admit, everyone is greedy. These greedy fucking bastards. I mean, you just want a hit song. You want panties that fit your cooch right. Then you want shoes that are cute.

And then you want makeup that matches your neck. All from one person. You want all of that? She can't do it all. No, ma'am. And she's in movies sometimes. You're expecting too much from Rihanna, the queen, the king, the god. Well, I'm proud of her timing.

I agree with you. And I've heard, actually, this year that we're getting an r&b album and a reggae album from rihanna who told you that uh rihanna yeah rihanna we talk rihanna came over the other day and we were like give it to a straight what's happening this year we haven't put it on demois yet but we're considering it she is doing a reggae album this year though according to something i saw on the internet that I can't cite. I need you to cite it because I just don't believe that Rihanna is doing that. Like, she's so busy living.

I don't think she would stop her life to give us that much joy. One of the most iconic images I've ever seen in my life is Rihanna sitting on, I think her bodyguard shoulders rolling a joint on his bald head. Yeah. Have you seen? That is, in my opinion, the best picture ever taken. Was she at a concert when that happened? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She's just sitting on his shoulders, a little joint on his head. He's chilling. He doesn't mind. That is, I know they weren't in love, but that's the kind of love I want. That is love. That that is love that actually is in fact actually love to me that's love the hit netflix show would sydney i'm curious

would you um would you try to do any guessing working with rihanna creating a fenty line that you think might work for aliens do you you have any interest in them seeing themselves? Represented in the makeup. Because she has like 43 colors, I do believe that she can incorporate the alien skin tone. Right. I do believe. She is very equipped for all of that.

And that's exactly why Fenty needs to be on Mars right now. On Mars yesterday. Yesterday. Late but never too late. That's so good for them. And that's exactly why Fenty needs to be on Mars right now. On Mars yesterday. Right, yeah. Yesterday. Late but never too late. That's so good for them. They're going to look so hot.

And honestly, if they're hotter than us. Good. Good. I mean, thank God. Although, I don't know. Right now, like, I don't know. I'll give myself an Earth 6. Aliens come in, I go down to like, what, an Earth 3?

That's tough. Yeah, that would suck. That's brutal. Shelby, where are you a six because a six a six in new york is a 10 in wisconsin so like where where are you as a six where are you finding yourself as a six i i guess that's for the masses to decide i'm giving myself a net six just so universal maybe in some places well in some places maybe i'm a 10 and other places maybe i'm a two los angeles where i am and those all when you do like the average throughout the world on earth i think i come down to like roughly a six shelby first of all we are in a panini so whatever So whatever number you were before it hit, you're already up three notches.

Damn, because I survived. Because you survived. Yeah, exactly. So if you were a six starting out in 2019, we're in 2021. You are, in fact, an eight, eight, nine. A guy on a dating app once told me that I am a six, maybe, if personality counts. We had never met. I'm glad I'm not on the app.

I'm glad I am not on the dating apps. They choose violence every time. And I'm always the one getting the violence. I get so many unnecessary words said to me on dating apps. And it's honestly kind of hot. I do like when people send me insults sometimes. Sometimes it is hot. I will say that. What's the hottest insult you've gotten on a dating app? The hottest, not the most brutal. The hottest. I think a really hot guy. Okay, look, here are the facts.

A very hot guy once messaged me on Grindr at like two in the morning and said, if you want to suck my dick, come over and I'm not going to reciprocate. Now, did I do it? No. Did I think it was hot that he said that? Yes. I think that's a hot way to behave. It's really, it's making a lot of assumptions. It's exerting a lot of confidence.

But of course I couldn't do it because also that person belongs in jail. But they're leading with honesty. So that is in fact hot. When someone is like. Yeah, they're letting you know. When they're like, cut the bullshit. I want head. I'm not giving it back to you and if

you go there that's on you that's on you because they said what was going to happen over there yeah you're 100 right but this can't be about me on grinder sydney it needs to be about what else you would put on your records okay the next thing um we're gonna put on a swiffer we're going to put on a Swiffer. We're going to do a Swiffer. Thank you. Thank you for that. I mean, iconically, the most important tool that any American can use, like in the last, I don't know, 10 years. I mean, it just showcases how lazy we are. You know, they're like mop.

Why would I put something in water when the water could already be attached? And it's not even water. It's a solution. So you're kind of making your floor sticky but like with a shine all of that all of that just so you don't have to put something in a bucket of water and then pull it out and then dry it right and ring it and do the whole thing yeah do the nasty bucket do one of those like the lever pull the lever yeah you put it in the little grate and you go squeegees it out we're lazy um i swiffered today and so i can say confidently i want i want

galactically for us to have swiffers elsewhere because it really did my cat was did some really gross stuff on the floor and i didn't have to lean down and clean it i I didn't have to, it, I took the little thing off. I never have to see that again. If you use a mop that you're pulling the lever on, you use that again. It doesn't come fully off the mop. Do you know what I'm saying? But mops, mops are more like us than anything. Like you can't just take like a sheet of you off and then be a new person. Like like you you still have to be the same thing maybe you can make some improvements but we we are mops we are mops do you know that okay we are mops yeah yeah yeah you're creating a new cult a new sex cult called we are I would join

your cult Sydney I want you to know that now I'm gonna come out to you now we're both we're both we are mops we are mops we're mops use us babe my pupils are growing we are mops we are mops we could never be Swiffers we're not advanced enough no aliens are Swiffers if anything aliens are Swiffers ah see this is why it's a collaborative effort right here no we're building this record together. We are mops. Aliens are Swiffers. We'll put a little note on the handle of the Swiffer that's like this is you guys and then on that will

be a picture of a mop. It won't be like this is us. It's evolution. It's like when we go like... Yeah, primates are brooms. Yeah, primates are brooms. The weird cavemen are mops, us. And then, well well no okay people are mops human beings modern day human beings yeah and then alien life martians maybe the the little humanoid like

creature between primates and humans in the idea of evolution that little guy who's like he kind of walks like a human but like you wouldn't fuck him maybe he's like a feather duster. Yeah, the Swiffer duster, though, because we don't want to get Swiffer brand involved. Oh, fuck. Very complicated. Very complicated. It goes broom, rag, mop, Swiffer.

Sydney, do you worry at all? I like to ask people a lot on the pod. Do you worry? Do you worry at all about sending aliens a Swiffer and them thinking that we're trying to, like, make them come clean up for us? Or do you think they'll take it as the gift that it is? No, the gift that it is. But, I mean, they're also aliens. So they're just like, look at these peasants with these Swiffers. Like, they can just look at dirt and dirt and it disappears yeah i do think aliens are so far beyond us that they're gonna think it's cute yeah they're gonna see this and be like that's cute yeah it's getting someone an antique that's how i feel about like when we find out that early cultures used like the bones of buffalo to

like you know paint or whatever i'm like oh they didn't even know about ipads they didn't even know about them they existed yeah they just didn't know about the way we dig up artifacts they had to dig up an ipad i wish there sydney what else would you put on your records i would put a strap on. Strap on. Okay. Send it out of space, please. You'll have to describe the strap on for us.

This strap on is the ones that are actually attached to the underwear. Okay. So you put the dick in the briefs. They're kind of like, they kind of look like Spanx a little bit and then there's like a little shaft for the strap on.

Those are very fun. And then you just go to town on something. Mm-hmm. Something. On anything. I don't want to say, I don't want to say someone.

It doesn't have to be human. Anything. Yeah, folks might be fucking fruit or anything. You never know. And this is not a shame, but it's a question. Are people using strap-ons, something they can't physically feel, to fuck things that also can't physically feel? If you want to practice your stroke,

you might be trying to figure out your rhythm. Yeah, but even then, you get no feedback like but it's what practice is that it could be kind of like the peloton of strap-ons you know like it's just it's just a workout you're just doing it you don't know you don't know if it's a good process or not but you're doing it it's something to do actually good for the core good for the core because you want to build your stroke stamina. Do you guys think this is, I'm about to make a million dollars on this podcast. Is it a good idea to come up with some sort of machine that gives kind of feedback if you can't fuck a person? Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's like, oh, this is good.

This is bad. This is how many you got in this amount of time. Slow down. Be faster. Strokes. I think they should do that. But then, you know, the problem is with these tests, like the stroke tests, is that it will fuck up people's egos or it'll make people's egos bigger that don't need it anyway.

Exactly. You're so right about that. Well, I don't think maybe it just has to be more of like a numeric value and there's no right or wrong. It's more of just like, here's a measurement. So, you know, like you got your work in because it's also preference. So what works for one machine might not work for the other. You know, so we have to just go on a number system. And that's what we need to be telling the aliens.

It's preference. It's it's like not all one person is set like not all people are set the same so they need to make sure that they try out different moves for each person or thing they hook up with yes yes because if you're hooking up with a guy who likes nipple stuff and you're doing all butt stuff you're just not expending your energy in the right place that's not synergy babe yeah that's not synergy yeah one time one time i was with this guy i got fake boobs he was very into the fake boobs then the next relationship i was with a woman and she's like no i need you to have a better vocabulary like you know what i mean like just because you get tits she said call them fake breasts. She said breast augmentation, actually. She said, it's not fake.

It's real. We're in reality. Everything's real. It's just, it's augmented. I love that she was like, the tits aren't enough. No. I need more. Well, you know why?

Because those were the only things I was bringing to the table. So that's why she was like breasts don't care what can you put one of those tits down and pay half the rent maybe yeah please please help out who was she elizabeth holmes why she's she's actually my ex-girlfriend and she's doing well she bought a home so yeah, we should listen to her. She was right. She was doing it. Yeah. She bought a home. She bought a home.

Is it nice? It is nice, but it's in Detroit. So I mean. I was going to say, I need to know where the home was before. If I like Detroit, I would live in Detroit. I'm just saying like, it's a different level of accomplishment. You buy a house in New York.

I'm like, damn, you're killing it. No, if you bought a home in New York, you got robbed. You got robbed. Because you're not really getting enough space for the amount of money that, what are you getting, a townhouse that's like four flights of whatever? But like, what's the backyard looking like? What's the front yard looking like? Do you have an attic?

The most beautiful brownstone in New York is 10 times worse than a middle market house in Detroit. Truly. And the cool thing about, I mean, I was just, I tweeted about this the other day because I've been spending so much time thinking about it. But like Detroit, Minneapolis, Kansas City, Cleveland, like Midwestern cities are really having a moment right now because people can't afford to live in L.A., New York, and Chicago. And those people in those towns, they are dragging us. They're like, we knew you'd come back. We knew we were going to have our moment again. We knew we'd see you soon, and here you are.

When we were sending you our family Christmas cards, we said see you soon and here you are yeah when we were sending you our family christmas cards we said see you soon and we meant it uh sydney simply what else would you put on your records okay uh i have the movie set it off wow i am so glad you brought this up incredible point i will allow you to speak on it first but i have things to say okay we have for me as a queer woman we had queen latifah play the most iconic role as not just like a butch lesbian but a butch lesbian that's robin banks okay cleo was it robin banks and she went out like a fucking g so that is in history and the aliens need to know about that okay jada pinkett amazing in it yes yes everybody amazing in it but queen latifah's performance specifically if you put her performance

and set it off against like her performance in last holiday that's gail's favorite movie is there someone more versatile what there's no one more versatile i know you're out of money by now cleo now what you gonna do rob another goddamn bank what the fuck is y'all thinking hold up we said once cleo to get us enough change to get us up out of here. And that's all it is, Stoney. We need some real money. I don't know how far out of town you plan to get, baby sister, but you ain't getting far on three grand. Let's talk about the range, honey. That's nothing but range. Let's talk about the range. That's range. She's a soprano. She's an alto. She's a baritone.

A to Z. A to Z. That's what she's an alto she's a baritone a to z a to z that's what she's giving you alpha and the omega i mean like truly in entertainment across the board there are only like two people that come to mind that drew truly everything amazingly well and it's queen otifa and jamie foxx yes oh i never fucking miss i love you you're uh see you know at first sometimes you meet people who everybody likes and you're like i'm okay but you but you you're it come on no that movie is so great and like so many different dynamics like shelby have you seen i saw it today after we got the list i watched amazing well i now i want to know your first thoughts you're very fresh i like it oh my god i like it um i uh it was very good i don't what do you want me to say about it nothing in particular i just think like the dynamic of stoney getting involved with like the bank manager dude and vivica fox in that uh when she gets fired in the beginning was a moment for me when she just

blows the fuck up and she's like i counted 250 000 by hand for you this morning the fact that she didn't win an award for that racist and homophobic racist and homophobic and i won't allow it i'm willing to i'm willing to go there as well yeah damn that movie really is it it's one of my favorites i was like the fact that we watched it during black history month very important i'm gonna re-watch it now the when when queen latifah the guy tries to give her she goes to get the guns and the guy tries to give her that like piece of shit handgun y'all can roll with that right there. We ain't robbing stagecoaches. I need something I can set it off with.

I'm like, ah! We don't do that enough anymore. We don't say the title of a movie in a movie anymore. And that's what we need to be telling the aliens. It's like, this is a movie that uses the title of the movie in the script. And when it happens, it's like a pshh. Like, that's an orgasm. happens it's like a like that's an orgasm yeah yeah mind blown and then cleo specifically they robbed the first bank they're supposed to keep it low-key be smart about it she goes and like tricks out her car i mean who is i'm not

laying low first of all i robbed a bank and I made it. And I did not go to jail. Oh, bitch. Yeah, I'm getting new rims. Are you crazy? And I'm making out with my hot girlfriend on the hood of it. Are you insane? Exactly.

If you didn't want to be a lesbian after watching that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Cleo dies. But she dies gay. Right. Okay? Exactly. And that's the only way you should be dying.

She dies gay and she dies protecting her friend. Yes. That's it. That's everything. On this podcast, we believe that everyone dies gay. That the last thing that happens as the light leaves your eyes as you convert to homosexuality. Or at least the spectrum. You commit to the spectrum.

I was like, the fact that Stoney lived and she was straight. I mean, who wanted to? I didn't want to be her. Yeah, she had all the money and she escaped, but she doesn't have any friends anymore. She had to be straight too. She's in Mexico.

She lost her hair. I mean, no, I'm okay. Kill had to be straight too. She's in Mexico. She lost her hair. I mean, no, I'm okay. Kill me. Kill me now. Let me go out like Cleo driving my car

into gunfire. Let me go out as a hero, gay, period. Period. As a good friend. That's it.

Good friend, hero, gay. I want that as merch. That's a good, that's a good t-shirt we'll make it honestly that's a lifestyle brand like that little stick figure that walks around and always says he's happy or whatever you know the one i'm talking about yeah life is good yeah

life is good is the the t-shirt of a closeted white ant oh yeah what i mean who lives in like a crunchy state like colorado vermont yeah utah well you got a same-sex roommate she's seventh grade science teacher but not but not out you're like she has a friend that she lives with yeah that's just her 48 year old roommate and they have they the women that wear the women that I'm describing that also wear the Life is Good t-shirts also have the kind of like the witch's hair. Do you know when women have like witchy hair? It's kind of like. You're losing me. You know what I'm talking about.

You just don't want to say that about women. But you do know what I'm talking about. Only white women. Like Miss Frizzle? That was your only chance to win me back. Miss Frile just has beautiful curly hair well what's witchy hair broomy like like like coarse oh you mean like everybody's hair right now no no you mike we're cutting this no guys tweet at me okay let me know if you know what i'm talking about i do know what i'm talking

about i could pull up a picture but it feels help me do you know what this is i'm i'm over here waiting yeah i don't know sydney's out of it sydney's like no no you guys go ahead and fight about the witch hair if i right now google witchy hair no it's gonna come up with like a trendy like tiktok like where they die like a strip right kind of thing that's exactly what came up listen tiktok's ruining my life tiktok's ruining society never fucking mind life is good is a crunchy closeted ant's shirt sydney we have gotten so far away from God's plan for your record. But before we get back into it, we actually have to take a break. Welcome back.

Welcome back. It's the welcome back challenge. And it's the viral challenge sweeping the web. The viral welcome back challenge. Everyone's been welcomed back. The viral bring Sydney back on the pod challenge to talk about sydney we asked people on our instagram story what they might include on the records and we just want to know if you vibe with it or not okay okay the first one uh that i want your take on is um mary kate olsen's

zoom divorce did you see it did you see it i did not but i love the title i'm in if that's a lot if that's the log line sold we're in we're done it's on well here's the thing about mary kate olsen's zoom divorce it hits so many things one a lot of here's the thing about mary kate olsen's zoom divorce it hits so many things one a lot of divorce on earth period two mary kate and ashley olsen were a big part of culture for a minute defined a moment they defined a moment they defined 91 i think i think it was like maybe before me until 2002 yes zoom 2020 really we understand zoom in like kind of a more complex way mary kate olsen's zoom divorce as a con as a as a complete structure bring it all together that's so much that is a lot sydney have you ever been divorced? Technically, like through like a friend, I've been divorced.

Like friendship. What do you mean? What's up? Oh, through a friend. Yeah, you never been divorced like with a friend? Yes, I have. Yeah. Yes, I have.

It's really powerful. Your friendship was so tight, like a marriage. And then like you take them off as an emergency contact that's like that's a divorce i've been there and you know what we're stronger because of it and we're hotter because of it absolutely and those people well i wish them well on their journey thank you mary kate olsen zoom divorce it's on or it's off final verdict definitely on okay oh wait can i say one thing you know of course excuse my french but those bitches owe me money they owe me money i served them like i don't know like 10 11 years ago at this bar

and they originally were gonna give me a hundred dollar like over tip and then they kept scratching out like how much they were gonna give me me. And then they left me fucking $50. Meanwhile, they had a $50,000 handbag on the damn banquette. It's just, I mean, I was blown out of my mind. The fact that I didn't go to page six and drag those hoes. The fact you didn't go to court. Yeah, you should have taken them to jail.com. Civil court. They have more money than they could.

And then Mary Kate married, later divorced via Zoom, a very, very rich man. And I think kind of within that timeline. So she also had his money to spend. When I tell you the nightmare on Elm Street, just to watch somebody say they were going to give you $800 and scratch that shit out. Then was like, no, no, no, we could do $600. And I was like, I could do $600 too. Scratch $600 out and was like, no, no, no, no, actually $400. I said $400 is fine.

Scratch $400 out. They kept scratching until they got to $50. What was going on? Like, why would you do this? I'm going to just scratch it. I'm just going to put it down as ketamine like there's that's the only reason why you could possibly do that to a waitress a hard-working waitress with her tits out like what i'm i'm still mad you should be you should be yeah i would love

to see that divorce i hope that that man takes takes them to the cleaners um i'm also if it's okay with you going to include that as an addendum on the record as well okay this woman got divorced and just backstory she fucked our friend one time and then it's just going to be an image i don't know if i can find the receipt but i'll recreate one where it has each crossed out and then it says 50 here for it okay the next thing sydney would you put on the golden records nikki minaj asking miley cyrus what's good do you remember this yeah no i remember i mean i sure sure i guess yeah i mean you don't have to you're under no obligation to put this on the records. I mean, if I was like an MTV type of gal, sure,

because I feel like that was like a big deal for MTV, but I could be without it, actually. So for anyone who doesn't know, music award show, Rebel Wilson brings Nicki Minaj up to the mic. Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaaj had had beef in the press and nikki minaj said and now back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press miley what's good what is this well it's kind of iconic because miley was doing her appropriating black culture phase so you love to see her get dragged in public.

But I don't know if it's good enough to go on the record of humanity. It would have had to come for Miley a little bit harder. I think we would have needed to like, I don't know. I would need her to be called a name or something like Hillbilly Barbie. Agreed. Agreed. The verdict is clear. For me, it's a no.

Shelby? I'm with you guys. Let's say no. But it was a moment. It was For me, it's a no. Shelby? I'm with you guys. Let's say no. But it was a moment. It was certainly a moment. And a meme. A moment and a meme. And a pillow.

And a pillow. It was on a pillow as well. They put it on a pillow. I know this because my friend upstairs has the pillow. And also, the funniest part of it, by the way, if I was going to include any part, would be Rebel Wilson trying not to look awkward in the background dressed as a sexy cop because that was part of it yeah she was just there as a sexy cop okay um the sensation of an icy hot patch I'm gonna go down the record I you know as an as an older woman icy hot is like lube for me now Like it's just It's just a part of

That can't feel good The part of the motion, you know It's a part of my night It feels good I use it all the time It's helped with my hypochondria a lot If I'm like, oh, I'm having a heart attack And then I put on some icy hot and it helps

I'm like, bitch, you were just stressed I once got really, really, really high And put it on instead of lotion By mistake Fuck that I once got really, really, really high and put it on instead of lotion by mistake. Oof. Fuck that. That's a nightmare. It was just, like, it wasn't one of those times where you're going, like, full body lotion, like, out of the shower, you know?

It was more just, like, my arms were dry, and I put on my arms, but still. And I was so high, and the feeling of icy hot is already kind of disorienting in a way it kind of it feel it it's icy and it's hot you know it's a conundrum i think about it often i'm putting it on the records as well yeah same you know what me too obviously that's a three-person vote they're going to hollywood they're going to hollywood hollywood in space should we rename this segment american idol i have to tell you guys something so funny about hollywood not the entertainment capital when i was living in chicago i was it it was one of the first big auditions I did. Okay.

And it was shooting in LA for this thing. And I was waiting by the phone every day. And you know when you first start auditioning for stuff, you wait by the phone every day to hear about something. Bitch, that's me still now. What are you talking about? Caleb, that's triggering. I've learned to stop checking in. No, no, no, no no you know who keeps

calling me those scammers but i pick up every time because i think it's work i literally got an incoming call hollywood and i was like a freak truly like panicking in my body i was like it's on bitch it's on you're famous you're famous you're famous picked it up debt collector from ho, Florida. Oh, I thought it was going to be Hollywood Cafe, like your order was ready. Hollywood Cafe, iconic Chicago diner. Iconic Chicago diner, 24 hours, in case anyone's after the pandemic looking for a 24-hour diner. In the west side of Chicago.

Hollywood Cafe. Nope. Debt collector, Hollywood, Florida. They came for me. I hung up on them. I was so pissed. hour diner in the west side of chicago hollywood cafe nope debt collector hollywood florida they came for me i hung up on them i was so pissed i mean i would have hung up anyway but additionally i was pissed you know who's you know who's not unemployed debt collectors those motherfuckers they since since the pandemic hit they have called they have been on the phones blowing up the line since i don't know march 28th until now. They are still working. They're probably getting raises.

Yeah. I've been getting calls from someone saying that my car's warranty is expiring, but I've been getting them for like six months. And also my car warranty is, I don't even think it still has warranty. Like that's not, that's not a concern of the car. It's old enough that that's not a concern. And they keep calling and i can't get them to stop sydney do you have any advice for dealing with debt collectors

honey don't pick up just don't pick whoever it is if it is a job they're gonna leave a message they're gonna leave a message right or contact your like people or whatever no no no don't contact your people you'd never want to look thirsty to you know wme you just don't you just let let them they'll text you if work is on the line i'm telling you right uh okay we just have one more segment for you okay city this next segment is called deleted you're to tell us one thing in all of humanity that you think is so embarrassing for human beings that it should be deleted from the records entirely.

And you don't have to say war, sadness, debt, any of that stuff, because we agree with you. So we're looking more for like chunky flip-flop sandals, Diet Coke that's flat, stuff like that that burps with a little something extra what would you delete oh i mean maybe this is very like on the nose but trump bye see ya he's over he never existed yeah like this by far some of the most embarrassing times to be American was when Trump was in office. And so if we could just take that off, take it off, never see, like, you know how they did on Men in Black where they had the little pen and it wipes everything out? That's exactly what I want to happen for us and to never remember.

The last four, I don't even need to remember what happened the last four years who in the entire world would you have win the 2016 election that isn't a politician instead of trump oh hmm rihanna i mean she could do the job unfortunately i'm gonna have to go with beyonce yes also could do the job job. Beyonce famously does not talk that much. Like she's just like, you're not going to catch her just all willy nilly tweeting and Instagramming and just. She's careful. She's not going live. She's not giving you the words.

Okay. If she is, it's a very well-crafted documentary and it's, you know, everybody is saying if it's okay or not. Like she has enough people on her team to be like, yeah, babe, we don't need to see that. So I would love her as a president. I would love it. Every presidential address is a visual album. That's right. Truly.

She's like, here's what's going on in the country. And she hits you with 10 tracks, 10 videos. They're gorgeous're gorgeous they're so beautiful the art design is out of this world i'm trying to think of who i would pick it's not about me but you know what i would pick i'm just going to keep it within the episode keep it within sydney's interest i would pick Queen Latifah. I was going to say Queen Latifah. I would. I would pick Queen Latifah. I should have said Queen Latifah, but I don't know. Gays have gone through enough and I just think being president,

it's just, she needs to rest. She deserves rest. She does deserve to rest. She does deserve to rest. She's done it all. I do think there's something funny about, to keep it in the episode,

Jada Pinkett Smith being president because of her red table show. Her doing a red table talk with Kim Jong-un. Yeah. Her doing red table talk with Putin being like, let's just get it out on the table. It's her own will trying to broker peace. Yeah. She's like,

we had a weird time in our marriage. What's up with us? The marriage between Russia and the US. I would love that. She's like, Putin, tell me about your entanglements i want to hear about it and you know what we would get a lot more done that way frankly okay jada pingett smith's red table talks as a cabinet position for president uh sydney is there anything you want to plug or tell our what do we have now three million weekly

listeners fuck yeah let's go three million pay three mil how you doing um first of all I need you to take your sexy asses and follow me on Instagram because Instagram is now my life um yeah yeah I can't book unless I have numbers and engagement so go on over to justsydbw j-u-s-t-s-y-d-b-w I have a new podcast called Hobby Hunter on HeadGum and I have an oldie but goodie

the unofficial expert on what's that what is it called Forever Dog there There it is. Y'all gotta listen to Hobby Hunter. You have to go to HeadGum and listen to Hobby Hunter. It's going to be so good. We're so excited to get further into it and listen to all the ups, Sid.

Yeah, and I can't wait to have y'all on, too. It's happening soon. It's happening soon. Thank goodness. Thank you for coming on. Thank you so much. This's happening soon. Thank goodness. Thank you for coming on. Thank you so much. This was a joy. Thank you.

I'm so glad that I took a 10-minute nap to come here just ready to rock and roll. Ready to rock and roll. Ready to absolutely rock. And you did rock it. And ready to roll. I was late, but honey, I brought it. That was a Hidgum Original.