Keeping Records - Weekly Dog Council (with Jo Firestone)

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Caleb and Shelby cope with being apart by contemplating their sexual chemistry. Comedian Jo Firestone is on the podcast this week, as is her dog companion Loaf. Jo loves Loaf, and we love Loaf. We love specific brands of tomato sauce, we love Greek women yelling at us to get our lives together, we love munching on ice, and we love the sound macaroni makes when it's getting stirred together. Wait...do we? Regardless, we do not love rats nor the sounds they make when tickled. Jo's Artifacts Rao's tomato sauce (food) Olympia Dukakis yelling "Your life is going down the toilet!!" in Moonstruck (audio-visual) Macaroni stirring noise (audio) Ice nuggets from Sonic (food and multisensory experience) When Dog wants to come near you (multisensory experience) Follow Jo on Instagram and watch her new special Good Timing with Jo Firestone on Peacock. Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamualaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, Both like the good and the weird. The weird can be as good as good, I always say about sex. What if we literally were waiting till we didn't live together to have sex? That was like the big thing about moving out. Yeah, it would be crazy for a couple of reasons.

And the biggest one is just our sexualities. You're in a relationship with a woman. I haven't had sex with women since high school it would just be a strange choice well let me know if you're interested i um i recently today retrieved my cat from our five bed apartment that we used to live in that she was living in alone for a few days yeah she was really living large for a few days i went over there and she was desperate for attention but i was really like eloise at the plaza vibes she was just like a little cat five rooms two baths just like no

furniture no dirt dirt on the floor grime on the walls we live like animals us it buggles like a human have you seen the new video of adele singing on twitter no she is so special i i cannot say enough she has what it takes folks she we gotta get we i gotta tell you that's what i'm going through i was watching it on a break at work and i came back to work and I sent it to my bosses and I was like, if I seem off for the rest of the day it's because I'm so moved by this woman. She really has it all. And I want to really, really,

really get our guest in here because I think that she might want to talk about Adele. I don't really know. I'm really excited about our guest today. She is genuinely one of my favorite comedians in the whole entire world. So, so so so funny i can't i want to tell her a story when we get in here about um our relationship that she might not know um guys are spoiler alert yeah well everybody our guest today wow you know her

she's got a brand new special streaming now on peacock go watch it or you're out of your fucking gourds called good timing it's so good and charming and I loved it. You know her from Shrill as well. Please put your paws and fins and human hands together for our dear friend, Joe Firestone. Thank you. What an intro. That was really nice.

It felt like I was about to go on stage. In many ways you are, Joe. In many ways it is a stage. In many ways. The whole world's a stage. And God is a DJ. God is a DJ. Jo is a comic.

We have a story. Is that from a TV show? God is a DJ? Pink. Oh, it's from Pink. Right, right, right. It was in Freaky Friday, right? Was it?

Wasn't it? I just know that album of Pink really did change my life. Well, an album of Pink's changes every gay person's life. It just depends on how old you are and that sort of thing. I famously took Family Portrait personally, even though my parents' divorce was extremely amicable. Really amicable. Really troublingly amicable. But when my parents were getting divorced i listened to

family portrait and i said this is my story i have a story and it involves joe firestone tell it i'm nervous you don't have to be joe it's really it's really kind of sweet i um i watched I watched you perform at, well, this was in 2000. I've never told you this. 2001. This was in 2001 and it was in September and I watched you perform. No, I watched you perform in Whiplash at UCB Chelsea, may she rest in peace, in like 2000, I don't know, maybe 15. And I just was so obsessed with you. I thought, well, this is just one of the funniest people alive.

And I've been a fan of yours ever since. And now we're doing this podcast together. And that's our story. That's so nice. So were you just visiting New York? Or were you living in New York at the time? I was interning there. I was in college.

And I had gotten an internship in New York at the time? I was interning there. I was, I was like, I was in college and I had gotten an internship in New York for the summer and I was spending an embarrassing, humiliating amount of time at UCB. I was watching any show I could get my little paws on. Um, and I, yeah, I just thought you were, I was like,

this is the best show in New York because Joe Firestone's on it, but I don't think you were on it all the time. Right. It was like, I just got lucky. Yeah. I think that we just were supposed to, we were supposed to cross paths on lucky yeah i think that we just were supposed to we were supposed to cross paths on that night god joe how is your how is your life um how are you how is everything well you know i um i got i got

this i got this guy here he's being quiet who is he his name's loaf he's doing pretty good right now i'm kind of shocked that he's not screaming and shelby says that about me too yeah he kind of he kind of whistles a lot so this is i'm really impressed that he's so calm he whistles like tunes or just wouldn't it be so funny if you did full like show tubes? It's New York. Maybe you never know. Because you don't know because you don't really know if dogs have lips until you look close.

That's so true. That is really true. Especially bulldogs. I've had bulldogs my whole life. That's not true. We started getting bulldogs late in my life, but now we're addicted. And they, because their mouth is so droopy, you really be seeing their lips.

Yeah. Do all dogs have lips, Jo, in your opinion? No, no, not all dogs have lips. Right, you have to get in there. Yeah, some of them just have teeth. Some of them just have teeth behind a layer of skin, but it's not quite a lip. Yeah. Their face closes over the teeth, not all the time, but a lot of the times, but it's

not always lips. Bringing it back to bulldogs, their teeth are rarely covered. Yeah. So the lips aren't really that effective. Yeah. They have lips, but they're not doing the job. That is the lips job. So I just go, well, bulldogs actually.

Yeah. You also make it sound really nefarious. You're like, now my family can't stop getting bulldogs. It's like you make it sound like something happened. My mom just acquired two bulldogs yesterday. What? What is she doing with them? Owning them, walking them, feeding them, giving them water.

No. How many does she have now? Well, not to be dramatic, but the other one died a couple months ago. Oh, I did remember that. Well, it was hard to remember that though because she was treating it to its last day meal every day for like six months. Yes.

She kept thinking it was going to die. What's the last day meal? My dog was dying. Towards the end of his life, he had some growths and they said he's kicking the bucket soon. And every day my mom would give him like a Big Mac being like, and I was like, at some point his dying is not because of the tumor. At some point we're killing the dog.

She would be like, I gave him a steak and then I gave him a Big Mac extra sauce and then he seems still hungry. And I was like, oh, extra gets to have sauce preferences? Extra sauce? Seems crazy that he gets to ask for more sauce. Yeah, my dog was either killed by a tumor or by my mother. There's a new dog bakery where I live, okay? And so the dog found out about it, so the dog really tries to get in there every time. At the weekly dog council.

It really makes it difficult to walk past, but that was like our normal walk, and then they just opened a dog bakery. So you'd think that the dog bakery owner would be really into this, like into the dogs, into like you coming in with your dog, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about the dog.

And so then I was like, every time I go in there, I'm care about the dog and so then i was like today every time i go in there i'm like the dog's like and like trying to get in there so bad pretty much oh pretty much at asphyxiation and then i get in there finally and then i'm like oh what is the best selling and he goes i don't care whatever looks good to you no that's what he said today. No! He goes, I don't taste it. It's for dogs. Did you spend your money there, Joe? Yeah, but I mean, it's really, it's like $1.67. Or like, if you get two cookies, it's like $3.80, whatever.

I mean, these are little purchases, you know? But he really doesn't seem to like the job he created for himself. He's obviously a front for something. I'll say, I'll be the first one to say it. He, this is the dog bakery in your neighborhood and you can say your address in the chat and we'll put it in the show notes is a front for something illicit

that he likes doing. He likes being a drug dealer who kills. He doesn't like the dog cookies. There's just no way he would do this and then have that added towards you. There's also something so mortifying do this and then have that attitude towards you. There's also something so mortifying about like whenever you're walking a dog and like the dog starts acting in a way that you don't want it to, there's like a little song and dance of being like, like, Oh, sorry. Just kind of how he is.

And if someone doesn't reciprocate that energy, it's horrific to be like, oh, just the dog. And they're like, yeah. You're like, okay. Like, I guess I should have behaved differently about this. I just got really scared that dogs have political leanings. And I've been loving on conservative dogs, which could be powerful in many ways. But I got really, really concerned. Yeah, you're bridging the aisle.

Yeah. Reaching across the aisle. Yeah, but if it ever comes out what their leanings are and people find out how nice I've been, it's not going to work. All of your fans are conservatives. Only like 30%. And they're confused. Wolf, Joe, do you know Wolf's political affiliation?

Loaf. Loaf or Wolf? Loaf. Callaf or Wolf? Loaf, Loaf. But he... Loaf. Call him by his name. He kind of likes... Well, like, basically, let me just...

I'll say this. He loves to eat. He bites people. I mean, that... Oh, he's a libertarian. Yeah. He does... He loves Gary Johnson.

He loves... He kind of goes... Loves to eat and bites people. He loves Gary Johnson. He loves Gary. He loves to eat and bites people. Does have Gary Johnson. Gary. He's British as well, I think, Joe. Yeah, he's British. That is another thing. Does that affect his affiliation?

But he won't let me and my boyfriend touch. He won't. He'll bark or want. He really hates that as well. So I don't know what that means. That's kind of cool i think i'm into that no it definitely feels older brother protective energy yeah or yeah something because then he does love her yeah he does end up wanting to lick me it feels weird there's something weird

going on oh no oh no i will say the licking component certainly changed things yeah it did switch things up a little bit the l bites everyone, but he licks Joe. I was like, oh, cool. He doesn't want her to, you know, be with the guy. And then Joe says, well, he licks me a lot. And I said, well, that is certainly different, isn't it? Joe, how long have you and your dog been together?

Yeah, we've been kind of just kind of seeing each other on and off for like about a little over two years. It's been a hot and cold situation. You never know with us. Yeah, you did bite my cousin. So that was a hard time for us. Oh, please. Not the cousin.

What did the cousin do? It's hard to say. It's hard to say. He's kind of a wild man. He's got, basically, he kind of went through a weird phase because he was so bad at first. We got him from the shelter, and he was, like, a really bad dog. And so, like, we got a trainer because my cousin was like, you have to get a trainer if he's going to bite me. And so, I got the trainer that my cousin recommended.

And the trainer was like, you got to be feeding him a full egg every day. What? And I was like, mm. How does he like them? No, because you see the egg going. It's like a full egg, hard-boiled egg. Hard-boiled? Hard-boiled egg.

I expected anything but hard-boiled. anything but i thought raw mixed with the food maybe i thought like scrambled even a sunny side up not the hard but not a chore not the chore egg not a hard boiled egg and you watch him swallow it like a snake you guys can't tell because joe only showed us but she's saying that you can see it go down the dog's windpipe like a snake. That's horrible. I hate that. I don't like that at all. To me, it feels like then he shouldn't be having the egg.

And I guess the trainer said so, but I don't know. And we stopped giving him the egg. We stopped giving him the egg. Now he's got different. Because also his stomach was really hard all the time and now his stomach is is squishy and soft so i think he's gonna do it no no longer egg eggs out of his system at this point yeah it's been a little bit joe we're swallowing a hard boy like it's something nobody wants to do the dog said the dog the dog trainer said joe where where are you from in the

world originally i'm from st louis missouri okay and we've never talked about this but i'm from missouri as well i think i knew that you're from kansas city missouri yeah well nearby from nearby nearby but are you from st louis uh county yeah we both st louis city and st louis county a little taste of both wow this is huge are you going do you go back for the holidays ever anything like that yeah we're supposed to go back but i i don't know how that i'm nervous i'm nervous about it yes yeah it's a very it's a very strange thing to be doing right now yeah we call we all thought that it wouldn't be because it was last year year was so long ago. We thought, oh, next Thanksgiving. But it's still weird.

It's still weird. I got a booster. What are you guys talking about? I don't know. Just family dynamics, I think, are hard. Just being in Missouri during the global pandemic. It gets a little weird over there. They're doing things different.

No, I figured. I was just doing a joke. You said you like jokes on this podcast. I love jokes. I was just doing a joke. You said you like jokes on this podcast. I like jokes. I love jokes. Joe, when you see your family from Missouri, do you guys do a big, big thing? Like extended whole big family thing? No.

Well, it's like grandparents and cousins. I would say we have kind of a smallish family. I would say, what do you think? It's 11? What do you think is 11? I think 11's medium, I think 11 is medium, okay, so it's a medium size get-together We'll see how it goes Everyone's

I think everyone's excited There's babies Babies help Babies help everything Boy, do I wish there was going to be a baby. And my mom wishes that too. Dogs help. You're going to be in good shape with the dogs.

That's actually true. We're all meeting the two new dogs for the first time. And that can be so special. Well, Joe's dog bites. So loaf is not much help in the family. My mom was like, the dogs' names are Hank and Kendall. We didn't name them. they came with those names okay um so you don't have to have an opinion either way we didn't pick them just those are i'm gonna have an opinion if that's okay and i think i don't like hank and

kendall has names for dogs i think i like hank i don't like hank yeah kendall's harder kendall is harder for a dog kendall has. Kendall has a bite to it. You know, it's tough. But my mom was like, they're so sweet. I love having them. Except Hank, you know, I think he's just talking, but he won't stop growling at me. And I said, what do you mean? She said, something we'll have to work on because I know he's just talking, but someone might not know that and i said he is fixing to eat you he's doing that things that thing that you guys

the snake joe you know what we're talking about tell us well i'm well i'm wondering okay so there was this guy had a pet snake and he was like oh my pet snake for some reason isn't eating well yes the snake hasn't been eating and for some reason he's posting like a forum on the internet he's like my snake hasn't been eating and every night he's he's sleeping out stretched out next to me he used to sleep you know kind of balled up and people were commenting or like you need to uh take make get it out of the house now it's sizing you up to see if it can eat you it was measuring itself up to him to get it was preparing lengthwise and starving himself so that he could prepare for his biggest meal the owner boss can you believe it oh my goodness

i mean you hope it doesn't happen but it's gotta happen sometimes well it can never happen to me because i wouldn't have the snake in my house but if if you have a snake, it's got to be one of the biggest things you hope doesn't happen. Yeah. I was thinking about, you know, during the pandemic, there was a couple weeks where I was thinking, maybe I'm going to be someone with a lizard. A lizard I can actually handle. I can see that. Thanks.

Depending on the lizard breed, cute. Some of them, scary. I guess I just think of one type of lizard which ones i just think of something green just think of like a green lizard don't you well a lot of them are green just by nature but there's like geckos and then iguanas and then i mean if you want to get really expensive chameleons woxic woxic clackles wa-clackles What are those really big guys? Not the iguanas Because those are all

Iguanas can be massive Iguanas can be dog-sized You talking about Komodo dragons? Yes, Taylor Pate's Komodo dragons Fuck Komodo dragons, dude They're scary They're scary as hell They are not nice

And they have bad intentions And they're ugly as well Well, you want to hear a bad name? Yes So, my brother and his family Moved down to Florida During the pandemic And his family moved down to Florida during the pandemic. And so they moved down.

And then my his kids like kept seeing this iguana around the backyard. You know what they named the iguana? What? Carrie. No. I mean that's a bad name for an iguana. No imagination.

That's just a flat out name. That's just. No imagination. That's just a flat out name. That's just someone from school. Yeah. That's just a flat out name. That's a school name. That's a flat out name. It's someone from school that you're not at all friends with, but that you have a lot to say about. Joe, we've been having a lot of fun with you, but we brought you here for something really somber and important.

I mean, as you know, NASA, the government-funded space company. Company. Company. No, I don't think that's... Yeah, NASA, the space company. Yeah, that sounds right. That sounds correct. I think it's an Yeah, NASA, the space company. Yeah, that sounds right. That sounds correct. I think it's an escort.

Yeah, they make ships. Yeah. Well, they sent these records into space in 1977, and we were just wondering, if you were making your own new record, what might you put on it? Okay. Okay.

First thing, I'm going to go ahead and put up a jar of Rouse tomato sauce. Wow. Okay. Woo! Where can people find this, first of all? Grocery store. Okay. Here's the thing about Rouse.

Okay? Rouse. Here's the thing about Rouse. I don't know if I'm saying it right. It's got two vowels. Okay? So here's the thing about Rouse. Here's the thing about rouse. I don't know if I'm saying it right. It's got two vowels. Okay, so here's the thing about rouse. Is that you're going to make a pasta, right? So you got your prego or ragu or whatever.

You're not tasting it before. You don't need to. No. With rouse, you can't resist it. You take a little spoonful, eat at room temperature, and you think, damn damn that's good it is so good i it's unbelievable the marinara is unbelievable have you had it i've not had it i have shelby shelby yeah i can you confirm i can speak to rouse yeah i most can't i most canned tomato sauce unless it's like small batch from like a place, I'm like, that

doesn't work for me. Oh my God. But no, it's usually just usually something but rouse rouse does do it right. Wow. A big endorsement for rouse on the pod. Wait, do we have to know? I guess

when it's a Joee usually it's an item yeah we usually have the brands but we won't for yours because this is so special and important um what joe yeah are you serving rouse to people who come over for dinner i never had anyone over for dinner but if i did i'd serve them rouse i put it in anything i put it I put it in anything. I put it on anything. I mean, this stuff is so... You put it in anything? Nah. This stuff is so freaking delicious though. I'm serious. You take... Here's what I want you

to do. I want you to go make a pasta. Caleb, I want you to go make a pasta and open the jar of Rouse while the pasta's boiling. And you take a spoonful and you think, damn and and that's it's the best it hits every spot are you worried though that sending the and i'm always i think one of my big roles on the pod is to ask people if they're worried about something and i i wonder

if you're worried you're sending them the best marinara that exists. Are you worried that they're going to come down to Earth, haven't tried this, and they're going to think, oh, all food on Earth is this good. And then they're going to come down here and eat something that's not roused. Does that worry you at all? Or do you think what would happen then in that scenario out of curiosity, just that they have a bad. Well, they're upset. They're upset. And I think Joe's a very kind person who might worry about something like that see i thought you were going to ask

about the glass what do you mean we're sending glass it comes in a glass jar yeah and wow that's hard but um in terms of just setting expectations yeah i know exactly what you mean but i think that these people know that this is the best of the best. This is not your everyday, you know what I mean? This is not flattened pillow. This is not used towel. These are not your everyday objects, right? You're sending the best towel.

You're sending your favorites. Yes. You're sending your favorites, and they've got to know that. They can't expect every day. You know, it's like when you look at pictures of online shopping. Okay. You know? A dress. Yeah, a dress, online shopping.

You know when it gets to you, it's not going to look like that. That's part of the give and take. That's part of the playfulness of the interaction. That's really hard to accept, though. I fool myself a lot online shopping. I look at clothes on a much, much different person than me, somebody much thinner, taller, you name it. And I say, I'm going to look just like that when I wear this. All I have to do is click buy.

And then it gets to me and it does not look the same. Can I tell you something? This was huge. I wish you would. Okay. So, you know, for a while there, I was looking at ***.com. For a while there. I hear you would. Okay. So, you know, for a while there, I was looking at ***.com. For a while there. Okay?

I hear you. And there was one model on ***.com that seemed so cool. Like, she just, like, the way she wore the clothes was so casual. It just flowed on her. And every time I'd buy these clothes, almost every time she would wear something, I would buy it. And then, right around July, July of this year, I was getting on the train. No.

And I saw her off the train. She wasn't wearing a mask and she brought a big dog on the train, which is not allowed. And I thought this is the woman I've been thinking about. This is the woman I've been facing my whole life about. And this woman is breaking all the rules.

That's what you sensed in her. You sensed in her that she didn't do things the way other people do. Did she look good though? She did. I mean, obviously, yeah, she looked good. She was stunning.

She was stunning. Yeah. The dog is hot. Yeah. Everyone. It would be, it would be really powerful if you were like, and she looked like shit.

He said, I'd be like, Oh, everyone looks bad in real life. But no, no, sorry. Couldn't be. No. For Joe, for looks bad in real life. But no. No, sorry. Couldn't be.

For Joe to say that the dog was hot after the allegations that she's dating her dog, I think is creating a really powerful narrative on the pod that Joe might have some extra pressure. And we're not here to, uh-oh, when we come back from break, we're going to have kind of a... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no, this is the break? Oh, God. No, no, no, break oh no no no no we should i mean we're about there we should maybe break for ads really quick okay we'll break for ads we will be right back with joe firestone who does normal stuff with her dog welcome bark joe would you give us a bark? Woof, woof. Oh, not the first time she said that.

So Jo, that was not unique to you, actually. That is something we do every episode. It just really, it works for you because of your story, because of who you're with. That's not really my narrative I'm trying to come up with. I'm trying to get away from the dog trying to distance myself from that whole narrative but yeah it's a long time distancing myself okay um joe what else would you put on your records okay have you ever seen moonstruck no that's with share right i love it okay great it's a great film it's a it's about a woman who's in her late 30s and 30s, and she just wants to get married to this guy she's seeing.

She doesn't even like him that much, okay? And she's in this big Italian family. She says, okay, I'll get married to this guy, whatever. This guy's a loser. This guy, whatever. And so then the guy has to go to Sicily to be with his ailing mother. The mother's dying. So they get engaged, but then the guy goes off.

He goes, you got to tell my brother about the wedding. And the chair's like, okay. And he's like, my brother doesn't speak to me. You're going to have to make a call. So then she calls up this guy, right? Ronnie Camareri. Okay. Ronnie Camareri is a young Nicolas Cage.

He's so angry. He's so hot, and he bakeseri. Okay. Ronnie Camareri is a young Nicolas Cage. He's so angry. He's so hot. And he bakes bread. Okay? And meanwhile, so she goes to talk to him. And then they have the hottest sex of their lives. No. Okay.

She's alive again. He's alive again. And there's this magic that happens. And she's having an affair with her fiancé's brother. And what's going to happen? And then the fian's brother. And what's going to happen? And then the fiancé comes back. What's going to happen? What's going to happen?

And then at one point her mother goes, You got a love bite on your neck. He's coming back this morning. What's the matter with you? Your life's going down the toilet. Cover up that damn thing. Come on, put some makeup on. All right.

And it's the greatest quote. Olympia Dukakis says it. May she rest in peace. And it's the words you want to hear whenever your life is really bad and you've made a lot of mistakes that are all your fault. You want a woman, an older Greek woman to say that your life is going down the toilet.

It's perfect. You got a love bite on your neck. Your life's going down the toilet cover up that thing it's so good in the whole string the whole admonishment the whole string of admonishments is very um i made me want to fix some stuff i was like what's going on in my life yeah sure yeah i gotta clean my room oh my room is so messy. Olympia Dukakis. Why do I... Okay, obviously a famous actress. But Dukakis, is that the last name of somebody else?

You're thinking of Bukaki. No, I don't think I am, babe. I'm thinking of Dukakis. Michael. Michael of Massachusetts, governor. Oh, he was governor. Wow. A governor Dukakis. Yes. Oh, he was governor. Wow. A governor du caucus.

Yes. But long before your time. How do you mean? Like the 80s? Oh, 1975 to 1979. And again, from 1983 to 1991. Wow. He is the longest serving governor in Massachusetts history

and only the second Greek American governor in U.S. history. Greek, though. I nailed that part. You did. Nobody's saying you didn't. Nobody's saying you didn't. The tying factor was the last name, which is Greek. Yeah.

Yeah. I do want the aliens to have your life is going down the toilet because it says so much. It says the humans are fallible. It says that toilets are not somewhere you want to be that's a big part of being on earth you don't want to find yourself in a toilet that's not you definitely don't want to find yourself in a toilet and the aliens need to know that there's something about the tough love of a mother figure that you need that in your life otherwise you're going to be all cattywampus you know if you're just kind of talking to people that are your own age that are kind of saying go go go you do it you know eat a banana with the peel whatever you know i mean

you're kind of making your own decisions there's no morality you need some kind of someone in your life to say you gotta you're you're doing badly help yourself you gotta peel that do you want do you want anything attached to the the audio clip like this is with love like just so you know these people share a deep love for each other that's a good question maybe it's like maybe it's clear it's hard to say but maybe uh if there's something um you know maybe they want to attach this is a this is this is a powerful bond yeah yeah we could just say before you listen to this this is a powerful bond that exists here. Can I ask you though?

Can I ask you, do, do you two have people in your lives that are like more on the judgmental side? And is it good for you or bad for you? I think we might be that for each other. I was going to say, I think we keep each other pretty in line.

Yeah. We have, we have a strong, we have a pretty strong, like, um, don't, don line. Yeah. We have a pretty strong, like, don't do that. We have a pretty, I think we have a pretty strong, I wouldn't say it's judgmental. Yeah, I don't think it actually comes from a place of judgment, but it does exist very heavily. Or even like in a, and I think this speaks to what you're saying, Joe,

which is like, if I'm complaining about something or like someone and Caleb has my back at the start, and then I say something, he'll be like, well, that part is ultimately your fault. Oh, I love that. That's my favorite thing. Well, that part, you have to know that that's on you, right? That part you're wrong. I love when someone's complaining about something and they're, they're right. They're right, right, right.

They're on the right track. They're correct, correct, correct. And then they say something out of left field and you get to go, that part you're off base on. Leave that out of it. I think that's... I really like that

because you're helping them focus their emotion. You go, no, that part, you're being... That's on you. That's fun to say, no, you're wrong about that. And it's so fun to receive it. You know what I mean, Joe? Everyone loves it. Everyone loves that.

And Joe, as you can imagine, it's awesome to hear, right? Yeah, yes, I can imagine. I do this new thing now when I'm complaining to my boyfriend. He goes, hold on, hold on, hold on. Do you want a vent or do you want a solution? And I love that. A lawyer's advertisement on television. OK, here's the thing.

I don't love the delivery. I love the sentiment. Because there are times where I really want someone to just be like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And instead they're like, well, have you tried call? And I'm like, I'm not asking for a list of chores. I'm telling you how I'm feeling. They're like, oh, if you just call, giving me like a perfect solution.

I love the boyfriend. I think the boyfriend's got a great, I think that's a great helpful thing to ask. I think it's the right ask. It's the bad delivery. Yeah. Well, you know, I was doing my good impression.

Maybe he does it a little bit nicer. I don't know. It's hard to say if I's the bad delivery. Yeah. Well, you know, I was doing my good impression. Maybe he does it a little bit nicer. I don't know. It's hard to say if I put my own spin on it. Do you feel like he does it nicer? Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of like, he's kind of like, come here, come here, you know. You know, kind of nice stuff.

Like a witch. Smeagol. Yeah, it's got some Smeagol energy in it. Like Hansel and Gretel going into a cabin. That's it. Or do you want the ring? or do you want the ring i think if the ring is what you see i try to do that sometimes if people are if someone's obviously venting to me i try to be like oh do you want solutions or do you just want to vent but i the truth is that i'm gonna give solutions it doesn't if even if you say you just want to i can't help it it might even come in a

text a couple hours later but i'm gonna i'm gonna offer some steps forward i can't help it but then like i'm too smart and practical i don't know turn it off do you have solutions for yourself though that's what that would be really wouldn't that be something if you had solutions for your own self i think i do oh wouldn't that be amazing that really is something sometimes i don't but you know that's life yeah that's a lot but that's really good if you got your own solutions joe are you uh are you in your in your relationships joe friend friend or otherwise are you a person are you a person that people come to for advice yeah i give it i give advice i feel like you're a big solution really fast and then it's not always the right solution but i do i'm kind of thinking oh oh this one this one i could i can untwist this pretzel

i can get my head around this one no problem no problem joe what have you had i don't know why this made me think of this just now but have you what like did you have before you were a full-time comedian what did you do in the world like what were your what were your survival jobs uh food service food service catering wow you'd be good at that yeah i was really bad really bad at it one time i got a tip that was zero zero zero point zero zero zero really but i was just thinking about this though i was just thinking when we're talking about this advice thing that i used to i used to work at this suicide hotline and the uh the rules you weren't

allowed to give advice right you just had to listen okay and so like i was like impossible by the way but i was like very very new and very green. And I was just like, okay, okay. Yeah, I just want to help. And so then literally I must have talked to like 10 masturbators. A lot of people call and masturbate on these things. And so people would just be like. Joe, stop right now. They're jerking off on the suicide hotline.

What? That's a thing? Yeah. It's really awful. It's really bad. But I would never realize it until later because I was trying so hard not to give advice. That I was just trying so hard to listen. You know, active listening.

And you're like, they're crying so weird. Yeah. But they'd be like, I'm having a hard time. And I was like, oh, God. I just was like, what are you having a hard time with? And they'd be like, I really had no idea. Every single time they'd hang up, and I'd be like, oh, shoot, it happened again. So after you would hang up the call, you'd be like, retrospectively, retroactively, you'd be like, fuck, they were jerking off.

Yeah, I said, oh, jeez, I've got another one to climax. I got another, I got someone else off. I hate this. That is so crazy. It's pretty. I'm trying to really untangle what kink that is so crazy it's pretty pretty i keep i'm trying to really untangle what kink that is also really gives a different meaning to the concept of a survival job like i help people get off on the suicide hotline it's like oh i thought you were gonna say maybe like administrative assistant or something stuff i did no i help people come on the suicide hotline.

That's crazy. That's nuts. It's pretty crazy. Because also it would like, basically the shift was from 11 p.m. to 8 a.m. So like you'd be like- Prime masturbating hours. Yeah, and you'd be asleep, right?

You'd be sleeping and then you'd wake up whenever there was a call. And you weren't allowed to use your real name. So, like, when there would be a call, you'd, like, have to wake up, clear your throat, and make sure that you remembered your fake name, right? And so you're like, hello, hello, I'm Ruth. And then they'd be, like, starting to masturbate. You kind of didn't even know what was happening for the first few minutes. And then after the call, you look back and you go,

yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what that was. Yeah, yeah, I got that. Ruth did it again. Ruth. What is, we have another question for you. Okay. Okay. What is something so embarrassing that you want to delete it from the record

altogether and before you answer doesn't have to be war does not have to be famine does not be famine homophobia any of this stuff just just you know it's none of the big stuff because the original record makers they didn't put the big stuff on there so anything you know, none of the big stuff. Because the original record makers, they didn't put the big stuff on there. So anything, you know, like chunky flip-flops maybe or something like that. Okay, okay. So I'll say this. A lot of times I'll see something moving by. I think, oh, hope it's not a rat. Oop, it's a rat.

So I hope that every time something's moving by, it's a leaf. Can you change that? We can go through and fix everything moving by to be a leaf. Yeah. I just don't like that. We have so much power. Yeah, so just rats should be leaves. Well, okay, okay.

So you're not asking that we just delete when you think something's not a rat and it is. You're asking us to make all rats leaves. Is that... That's fine. It's an interesting ask because why not just ask for rats to go away altogether? You don't want to delete all rats.

You want to turn them into leaves. Why more leaves and less rats? Why not just less rats? What do you have with leaves? And we're, by the way, we're happy to do it. We're just wondering. Okay, yeah. This is fine.

I'm just thinking like, okay, you're indoors somewhere. There's just so many leaves. That has a different energy. You're going to be indoors somewhere with so many rats? Yeah, they say this is a thing. Maybe it's New York, maybe. Wouldn't you rather have indoor with leaves? Oh, for sure.

I'm not questioning. There's no part of me that doesn't think what you've done. We're on the same page with getting rid of rats. And frankly, we're okay with more leaves. It's just more of the tie between the two. Why not delete rats? Yeah. What makes you say you don't want to delete rats, Jo?

Okay. great question. I mean, I just feel like they're doing something. I'm not sure what they're doing, but they're doing something, right, for the system. They're probably eating a bug or something. Yeah, yeah, eating a bug,

eating a bug, eating pigeons or whatever, eating... It's hard to say what they do, but I just don't want them... If it's near me i want it to be a leaf well maybe the leaves in in in this in this scenario maybe the leaves could take over whatever job they could eat the pigeons the leaves could eat the pigeons somehow i i'm not i'm yeah

no i mean there's no bad pitches but that's uh certainly you don't like that either you don't want the leaves to have power. No, I'll think about it. Let's put it on the table for sure right now. And then I'm not sure if I want the leaves to have power. But yeah, let's think about it. No bad pitches and let's put it on the table is the surest fire way to know that you pitched something that will work. No bad pitches is the last thing you want to hear after you pitch. I said the leaves could eat pigeons and Joe said, sure, brainstorming can be a lot of different things. I did zone out and that was so that I could research why do we have rats in the ecosystem?

And I have some answers for you guys. None of them are satisfying to me, to be clear. Okay. The first thing that happened was just like honestly kind of like romanticizing them. They're like, they're smart. They're empathetic. They're affectionate. They love to laugh.

I hate that. I've never seen one laugh. Well, it's terrifying to think that they might, by the way. Oh, sorry. Could we find a clip of a rat laughing? Oh, boy. I hope we can. Mike, is that possible?

Would love to know. Oh, my God. See what happens when you tickle a rat on National Geographic. Rats are vital to the ecosystem because they play an important role in prompting tree growth and spreading seeds. Okay. See the leaves, the leaves, they work together. Yeah. And that's so true.

And also they're scavengers and opportunistic eaters. So they'll eat garbage and other things that people throw away. So they get a little bit rid of our trash. A little bit rid of, yeah. And they're an important part of the predatory system. Okay. Owls, falcons, hawks eat rats. So without rats, we don't have those things either,

which I think also probably have. Can I tell you something about rats? Please. This guy I went to school with, he made it his art project to make a three-piece suit out of rats. No, Joe, what? Vest, pants, jacket. No, no, no.

Where did you go to school? What was the project? He skinned the rats. He tried to eat the rats. No, he did not do that. Three-piece suit vest jacket pants not vest

vest jacket pants the vest is the weirdest part no did it look good yeah yeah it looked awesome Caleb

the wrap suit looked amazing. Oh, my God. He's going to get married in that thing. That's the scariest part. Oh, my gosh. That is the scariest part. You say, I do to what? What was the project?

His own. His own. No, it wasn't even like make an unconventional suit project. There were no grades because it was for his own creativity. No. That's crazy! Wait. Mike, our producer

says rats make ultrasonic giggles. What does that mean? Do we have a clip, Mike? Does ultrasonic mean that they can't make noise? The clip that i heard it's kind of like if you heard like a record scratching really faintly and really quickly like i think joe and i need to hear a tickled rat lets out tiny giggles too high for us to hear special microphones capture the squeaks so they can be replayed in a lower register.

The rats will chase a researcher's hand for more. Ew. For more. They want more. Ew, they love to be tickled. They love to be tickled. Fucking gross. Hey, Jesus, it's starting to sound like my dog. My relationship

with whom is normal. By the way, I can't stop thinking about rat suit. Extracurricular rat suit. On your own rat suit. Jacket. Shot chaser.

Best jacket pants. I wish he also made like a hat or something just to really cap it off. Cap it off. One of those raccoon ones. Cap it off. Thank you. I also just read that rats are moral and

I was like, how do they know that? And in a study they found that they put behind two doors, one pellet or two pellets, and they put two rats in. And the one in the front always offered it to the guy in the back. Offered what? The food pellet. They kept one for themselves and offered one to the other.

So they would choose the door with two and then just split it up? Instead of eating it for themselves. They're fools. Rats are fools. All we know about that is that rats are fools they'll never be billionaires with that mindset that's oh joe we didn't tell you this is called billionaire mindset with oh okay okay good thank you this is the podcast where we talk about cryptocurrency dogecoin oh my god crypto they're naming they're changing the name of staple center in la to crypto crypto where we talk about cryptocurrency, Dogecoin, and how to be a billionaire. Oh my God, crypto.

They're changing the name of Staples Center in LA to Crypto.com. Crypto.com Center. Did you know that yet, Jo? Oh my gosh, no. Thanks for breaking the news. Wow. In a 10 to 15 year deal.

Crazy. Wow. So get in on crypto. And here I was hoping that crypto wouldn't exist for 10 more years. Seems like 10 to 15 minimum. Well, the website has to exist.

The website has to exist. I love, you love what Joe? What are you loving? I just, I love hearing news from other people. Oh, that really is special.

That really, Oh, I'm trying to think of the last time that happened to me. It was on a zoom, but I forget what it was. It really, that happened a me. It was on a Zoom, but I forget what it was. It really, that happened a lot during COVID Zooms. If you were in like a room or something every day, because you were on so much of the day and so much was happening.

Yeah. Someone would just, their face would drop and they'd be like, oh God, you know, something crazy would happen. This was a really good one. Can I tell you, this one's a really good one. Yes. So, okay. So I used to work at the Tonight Show, right?

And so I was really i used to work at the tonight show right and so i was really like nervous to work there because it was like you i just didn't want to i didn't want to rock the boat right i was nervous and so but my mom you can get like your you can get people tickets to the show when you work there so i got my mom tickets and then after the show like i showed her my desk and stuff and then like i had never talked to quest love because like i didn't like what right do i have to go talk to quest love and so like i was like i saw him he was like uh like half of the hallway across like ahead of us going to the elevator and my mom was like oh that's quest love and i was like like stop stop and then she was like come on come on i

want to go say hi and i was like no no no no no and then she was like kind of running to go like to the elevator bank and be next to him and i was like stop please stop and but like i can't say stop because then he'll hear me say stop and so like i was just like kind of trying to run to catch up with her and then like we got into the same elevator as him. And she was like, hi, Questlove. I love your work. My daughter works here. And I was like, ugh.

And then Questlove was like, hey, it's nice to meet you. He was like, of course, normal. And then he's like, hey, it's nice to meet you. Hey, I just heard this crazy news. Beyonce just had twins. Oh my god, you heard from Questlove! Yes! And that's how

me and my mom knew before it hit the papers. Wow. That's massive. So cool of him to tell you guys. It was pretty massive. Cool of us your Beyonce. And then it's kind of like, wait, what the fuck? When Beyonce hears this, she listens to the pod.

She's going to be really pissed. She's going to be like, what the fuck, Quest? Beyonce's a massive fan of the pod. She's going to be really pissed. She's going to be like, what the fuck, Wes? Beyonce's a massive fan of the pod. She begs to come on. We won't let her. Well, yeah, it just doesn't make sense for our audience. But she's going to be mad. That's crazy.

It was crazy. I feel like Shelby and I ran for two years in Chicago. We ran a weekly show that had a news segment called Queer in Events, where only the gay people on the cast got to talk about the news. And I was famously straight at the time, so I was not a part of it. And every day I was telling you you're not straight.

People would be missing. We would be missing enough people where we didn't have enough people to do the news segment. And people would be like, Shelby, do you want to go in? And I'd be like, I can't, straight. And then they'd be like,

really? The boots are telling a different story. The boots, the jeans, the jackets, the hikes. It's all the bun. We'll say it.

The bun, the bun, frankly, the lot of the shirts, it's all giving a different story than the one. Um, but wasn't there something Shelby on one of those shows that we broke during the show? Do you remember?

Yes, we did break news on the show but i don't remember it was a stupid gay news segment that was hardly ever you know it was never powerful hardly important sometimes not even true but there i feel like there was one time that we broke real news to the audience on the show i can't remember what it was we really did though i remember it being kind of like a joke because i was like oh my god did we just break the news i was like this my god Did we just break the news I was like

This is not supposed to be A real news show I mean We were wearing wigs It was really crazy To break To break actual news I was like

Wow This is really important The energy that you have Right now Makes it So funny to imagine Like a real gay news To be like

We're breaking the news we're breaking the news. We're breaking the news. Oh my God. What are you talking about? We are telling the people. Okay, honey. Well, something horrible has happened. Okay, wig.

Okay, wig. They killed Bin Laden. Wig. My wig is snatched. No, Joe, really? what's next on your records? Okay, should I buzz through them? No, we got a couple minutes. Okay, well, I'll go ahead and do macaroni stirring noise.

Which I'll have to say is kind of, you know, that's a questionable choice, but I love it. Mike, do we have it? I love mac and cheese so much, and this is so disgusting. The disembodied. Okay, turn it off. Turn it off. It's the disembodied noise. It's making my stomach feel weird.

It got into my bones. I got hot. My body got hot. I really think I almost threw up. The length of time that it played for has to be exactly that long for the aliens.

It's too long. I hated it because you can't see anything with it so it's not doing anything fun. It's just... Joe, please tell me you want to be able to see the mac and cheese when you hear the noise please please tell me that what we just played is not your dream please i think that's what i want oh my god they're to hate it. They're going to think. What's the thought process? This is the sound of dinner.

I think that could be great. You can't say this is the sound of dinner with it. What do you think they're going to think, Jo? They get here. You think they're going to be into it? They get here. You think they're going to be into it? We get here. People are like, hey, do you want to get dinner? And they go.

No. No. They scream, cry, bleed from the eyes. No. They're sobbing. Yeah, they're having a bad reaction. And then war starts. Oh, okay. Oh, okay okay I see what you mean um

I don't want war to start for sure but it did seem like even if you just like looked at Mike while he was playing it like he was getting such a kick out of that you know that we were going we were really roughing you know and that was that was something

that I want to see the aliens do you know was something that I want to see the aliens do. You know what I mean? I want to see the aliens start coughing and shaking. You know, that's kind of. Coughing, shaking, almost throwing up, getting overheated. Joe said I have a weird feeling in my stomach. It got into my bones. Yeah, I'm supportive.

Now, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like you want them to listen to this in a room raiders type situation where you put them in a room and then you get to like you throw them into a van unexpectedly. Okay. Play the noise and then we are watching them react to it. Mostly I think you want to see them react to it. I didn't realize that that was room raiders style, but yes. No, I would love to see it. Room raiders, they would go into the house. Oh yeah.

Take them into the van. And they'd be like, look at these disgusting underwear. And you'd have to watch the guy go, oh, not my gross underwear pile. It was like a hole. Room Raiders was one of the craziest shows to ever exist. They'd scared the fuck out of me. It was like, it was clean your room propaganda.

I was like, I will not be caught slipping. You will never see what goes on in my underwear. You will never catch what's going on under my bed. I do genuinely think it's part of the reason i never had a diary i was like if someone comes into this room wait what's that woman's name doctor what's her name doctor um oh it's the one that's the doctor that's on that show where they meet people there they meet they meet people they force people to be together, and they marry at first sight.

Who's the doctor from Married at First Sight? Dr. Pepper. It's Dr. Pepper. Yes, Dr. Pepper. No way. Yes, it's Dr. Pepper. And Dr. Pepper goes through your underpants and everything, seeing who would be a good fit for you based on your underpants,

based on what's in your drawers. that's nutty bananas not her being named dr pepper not 23 flavors not having 23 flavors for the matchmaking service i oh my god my stomach hurts so bad from the sound of the mac and cheese dr pepper has a has a kind face. Is that okay to say? Sure. I don't think that would ever hurt somebody's feelings. Okay.

Nice. Joe, what, what are the things on your record that we didn't get to? Okay. Well, ice nuggets from Sonic. Because they're chewy in the right way.

Yeah. Very Midwestern of you to include this, by the way. I appreciate that. And then my last one, I don't... It doesn't feel appropriate. It's totally up to you, but I think you gotta.

Okay. It really takes on a different... When... When dog wants to come near you. And now it feels... It feels weird, and I wish it wasn't last. We had a finale. We had no way of knowing what it would come to mean.

God, do we think of it differently now. Joe said, and the grand finale when your dog just wants to be close. And when you want it to. And when it's one of your favorite things. Oops, oops. No, Joe, I agree. Yeah, there's a way to kind of edit this episode so it doesn't seem like I'm kind of dog pervert, right? No, I don't think there is.

Oh, okay. I think all the editing in the world would still land us right where we are, which is people are going to walk away from this episode and go, I don't know what that lady does with her dog. I don't think I want to. Oh, man. I don't think I want to. Oh, man. Joe. Man, Shelby, I'll go out on a limb and say I'm not even going to check in with you first about this. I'll just say Joe was a great guest.

Wow. Joe was a great guest. Thank you so much for having me. Talk about her like she's already gone. Yeah. Joe was great. I miss her already. She's dead. Just canceled. Joe, other

than streaming your incredible new special on Peacock Good Timing. Which I really genuinely cannot recommend enough. It is so delightful and it's so good. Thank you so much. You know, I think that's the big one. I'm on a show on Adult Swim that's premiering

it's got new episodes every Sunday for the next three or four Sundays it's called Joe Pera Talks with You Joe Pera very very funny yeah and aren't you in a new cartoon as well did I make that up yeah that one came out now it's gone content

it's like you blink your eyes and you blink your eyes. And it's gone. That's called Teenage Euthanasia. If you want to check that out. And you should. Please also follow Joe on everything. Joe, you're on Instagram at YoYoFirestone, if I'm not wrong. Yeah, I'm not a great follow, but I'll probably follow you back or something.

I could do that. Thank you so much for being on, Jo. It was our pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. What a treat. Wow. Oh, boy. Okay.

Oh, boy. Okay. That was a Hidgum Original.