Keeping Records - You're So Embryonic (with Negin Farsad)

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

Negin Farsad—comedian, writer, director, host of the podcast Fake the Nation—needs the aliens to experience humanity in a very specific way. And that way is...perfect. Swan dresses, elevated train tracks extending across the Manhattan skyline, trying not to cry when you see something beautiful in public, nouvelle cuisine...it's all there. Except for Plumber's Crack. That's gone, she got rid of that. Negin's Golden Record Artifacts: Anything Bjork related (audio-visual) The Highline in NYC and the thrill of a public works project (architecture) That moment when a concert violinist is playing for free in a park and they play something beautiful and then you cry in public but try to act like you have allergies (multisensory experience) The first time having French food made by French people (food) The Grinder (audio-visual) Knowing you're wearing a cute outfits (multisensory experience) Listen to Negin on Fake the Nation and Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! and follow her socials. Twitter Instagram Follow the show @keepingrecordspod Advertise on Keeping Records via Gumball.fm See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a HeadGum Original. In 1977, NASA sent two solid gold records into space, so that aliens might find them and understand life on Earth. I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet. And friendly wishes to all who may encounter this voyager. Now, we're making new records with our friends. Bonjour tout le monde. Konnichiwa.

Hola y saludos a todos. Assalamu alaikum. We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship. We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us. Hello from the children of planet Earth. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. What the hell is up, Shelby Wolstein? What the hell is up, Caleb Aaron?

What's up, dog? What are you doing? How are you feeling? Well, we were just hanging out like a minute ago. Well, but for the podcast, don't you think it's more like, don't you think the listeners like it when they think that we're genuinely catching up? Oh, cute. Okay.

Like they feel like they're like they're like with you know what i mean so to be fair a minute ago we were hanging out and i do sort of am up to date on everything in your life but is there anything you think i don't know well i bought paint at lowe's okay yeah to paint both my okay the wall behind my bed because you won't let me put art there because of the earthquakes right because i want you to be safe right i'm saying that so that they know that you're caring and good and then maybe with the extra something on this wall we're all the wall behind you yeah in our in our guest house okay i love that yeah what's up with you anything that the listeners don't know about what would the listeners not know about i you know what i i don't know if i i don't think i can say details about

this but i've been pitching a tv show and we have offers on it. So we're, I'm pretty excited about that. Um, so listeners sometime in the next, um, two to two to 10 years, there is a small possibility that I might have a TV show and you know, that's the industry capital T capital I, you just never know. Three to 10 years, baby. We cannot wait. We cannot spend all this time talking about us. We have to bring our absolutely iconic guest. Listeners, you know.

Absolute icon. You know her. She's a regular on NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. She's the host of podcast Fake the Nation, which if you're not already subscribing, you're sick. You're sick in the head and you're going to jail please welcome our friend nageen farsad oh my god hi what the heck is up dude it's so nice to be here thanks for having me it's so exciting to hear about your wall paint yeah yeah people are gonna go crazy for the wall paint oh i feel like that's just like a, that's not a subtweet. That's a tweet. Thank you.

That's a tweet. I went to Lowe's to get it and you have to like pick your color and then go to the counter and then they mix it for you. And the guy was in such a bad mood, so mean. I was so scared to ask for the paint. His name was Dink, which is ultimately cool. Dink? Dink.

That was his name on his little name tag. Cool. But he was so mean to everyone that i was really scared i was like maybe i'll just get pain a different day and then he made so many jokes with me and i loved the man oh and famously you know because you never know when people are actually little care bears inside yeah he pranked me actually and i said we go to lowe's we go to lowe's not home depot because home depot has a far better ceo yeah home depot big time owned by a trump supporter so we do go ahead and go to lowe's nageen how how are you how's your life what have you been up to oh my gosh guys i um i've just been uh it's so funny to hear you talk about like there's interest and then we might see a show from you in three to ten years.

Because first of all, it's that thing that happens where people are like, what have you been up to these last couple of years? And I'm like, well, I sold some stuff that you'll never hear about. It doesn't matter. Except for I managed to pay some bills. It doesn't matter, though. Even though it's like terribly impressive it really no one will it can't it what is it gonna say on your tombstone you know what i mean sold a show concept to tbs you know what i mean i have started i have started to i don't know where you're at on that on

that journey but i have started to because everything is so fake until it isn't yeah i have for the longest time i was like i'm just not going to talk about any potential wins until they're solidified and i've moved on from that and now i'm like you know what if this never happens that's okay but we work really hard to get maybes we do so i'm telling people about my maybes now yeah you have to tell people about the maybes completely no i think that's a really good attitude i should adopt that because for i was really silent for a long time. And, you know, because I was just like, who knows, this means nothing. It's a paycheck, except for it's like, there's it comes with sadness. It's so weird. Yeah. But, but yeah, no, you're absolutely right. It takes, they're only letting professionals in those rooms, right? And so it makes sense to like brag about your status. Well, yeah.

And I think that has the inclination towards also, I mean, I will say for me, not for anyone else. I don't know how anyone else feels, but for me, the inclination towards like, oh, it's funny that in this moment, I decided not to, when usually I am speaking for everyone. Everyone in the world believes that they shouldn't consider anyone else. And you're like, okay. No, I think particularly around just like not bragging about or getting excited about things until they're real, particularly when it comes to like entertainment industry work. For me, that's like, oh, I just don't want to look stupid.

I don't want people who know better than me to be like, oh, poor, like poor, dumb, young idiot. He doesn't know. And it's like, i know i'm just choosing to be excited because we all work so hard on this stuff that may never see the light of day that it's like it kind of feels sad to just like in silence be like oh yeah that may never see but instead i'm just choosing now to be like hey this could happen who knows you know this could be yeah yeah no I mean the thing and the thing that's really tough is when you have said something to people

oh boy and then like months later they're like oh didn't you sell something to Warner Brothers and you're like I did and then I

but I do think guacamole right for an appetizer and I'm just like I did and it doesn't seem like it's gonna make it

out of the mud so I guess but they did buy it I can't like figure out how to make it out of the mud. So I guess, but they did buy it. I can't like figure out how to say like, look, this business is really hard. Those things are, you know, statistically, it wasn't supposed to go further than where it went. And you know what I mean? Like, like, I just don't want to talk about it. Like, I don't, you know, so anyways, that's the hard part for me.

But you, Nagin, where, I don't know if I know where you're based. Where are you based in the world? I'm in, I'm in the grand city of new york new york the city of angels yeah that's what they say the big windy city the city of wind and angels yes um how long have you been in new york during quarantine were you there the whole time what is your new york story yes oh my god i was in new york the entire time with like a little um dalliance in palm springs california where i grew up okay yes i know nobody grew up in palm springs everyone finds that super weird it's the site of the murders from army hammer army hammer's murders yes we all know them well oh what i don't is like don't ever include me in that again i don't know what you're talking about

negane palm springs the site of the army hammer murders okay yeah um definitely uh but most people like to say oh like palm springs the resort town with the beautiful like mod houses or whatever. And like the history of like Marilyn Monroe and the brat, you know, in the rat pack or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I say, yes, absolutely. No, we take a pretty edgy stance of that's the site. That's the murder. Yeah, yeah.

That's not, for me personally, it's the site of like where loved and lost uh lots of little teenage girl crushes he did as well he did as well yeah so and the world lost several lives at the hands of arby hammer uh so yes i i i've been in new york the whole time and um and i have to say it was like i you know minus those first couple of weeks that were like really weird. It was like, this is a crazy thing to say, a fun place to pandemic. Because there's already like a vibrant kind of like on the street culture. And when being outside was like the only thing that you could do. I actually, and this I think is revolutionary.

You could call me the Che Guevara of I made friends during the pandemic. I'm the Che Guevara of the Che Guevara. I've been saying that. I've been telling everyone my new friend, Nagin, is the Che Guevara of quarantine. I've been saying that. We've been saying that around the house. People around the house, which is me and Caleb, have really been in talks about that. Everyone's saying it.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, So I, I, I made some friends during the court during the pandemic and you know, I was out like, you know, the city was like vibrant for a place that was in a pandemic. You know what I mean?

It was pandemic levels vibrant. And I thought it was kind of like, it was fun in its own way. I absolutely love that. But I have to tell you, Nagin, we have a question. Yeah.

We brought you here under sort of ulterior motives. We really want to ask you if you had your own gold record, what would you put on it? I, okay. I, I do. I,

um, I have a list of things that I think would, would go. Um, and I would, I would start with the think would, would go. Um, and I would, I would start with the artist like Bjork. Um, and,

and not just like her oeuvre, um, but also like any of her like costuming, um, you know, she's sort of famously dressed as a swan. I don't remember when that was the mid oddies or something. I have no recollection.

Um, she, you know, and then if you ever sort of like, one. I don't remember when that was. The mid-oddies or something. I have no recollection. She, you know, and if you ever sort of like just do a quick goog of like Bjork to see what she's up to, you'll find that the last time I did it, she had made some sort of like there was like a handmade

flute collection you could get. It was like a special Bjork handmade, and it only made certain bird songs, right? And so that's like what you're getting when you get Bjork. You're basically getting the vastness of the universe. And so if aliens or whatever want to learn and bjork covers like a vast swath of humanity with her stuff now the dress you're referring to is uh bjork wore a swan dress a dress that looked like a swan to the 73rd academy awards uh this is

in 2001 but i don't know if any of you uh if any of our listeners or anyone on the pod currently knew this, but in 2008, the Daily Telegraph actually did a poll about the most iconic red carpet dresses of all time. And voters voted this the ninth most iconic red carpet dress of all time. I mean, that's pretty iconic. Number nine. Memorable. I mean, right? That's up there with J-Lo's green dress.

It's up there. I mean, I was only like three or four years old because I'm so young and just like hot, you know? You can tell, right, how young I am? Yeah. So I don't really remember. I wasn't born until 2010, personally, so I have no recollection. Right, right. No, exactly.

I'm still cooking. Yeah, Shelby's in the womb right now. You're so embryonic, and I've always said that about you. Thank you. No recollection. Right, right. No, exactly. I'm still cooking. Yeah, Shelby's in the womb right now. Yeah. You're so embryonic, and I've always said that about you. Thank you. Yeah. But, like, yeah, I mean, I remember at the time, like, it was panned or something. But then later, sort of, or, like, it wasn't panned. It was just, like, everyone was talking about it.

And, yes, it was mocked. But then later it became iconic because she just, you know, she had the chutzpah to walk on that red carpet with a swan dress. And that's just like how Bjork do. And then later sort of copied by Valentino on a red carpet is what I'm reading in this article. And now I'm thinking about and now I'm thinking about other iconic dresses. Like what else would be on those iconic lists? For me, it's got to be the Swarovski crystal Rihanna dress, the meat outfit by Lady Gaga. Of course, the meat outfit.

I don't want that to be in the list. I don't like it, but it's iconic. I mean, you know it. Well, you know everything Lady Gaga did because it's annoying. But also the average person knows that Lady gaga wrote a meet like my i can go ask you know the the super of my building you know what i mean like did yeah but we also know lady gaga like arrived in an egg and like then hatched or whatever you know what i mean did she do that it's crazy for you to pick that example because i have no idea what you're talking about

she did arrive at something in a little egg but But I will say all of these pale in comparison, in my opinion, currently to the swan dress. The swan dress is iconic. I also just want to throw in there. Sharon Stone at some point wore just like a gap T-shirt. And I just feel like she kind of took the cake with that one. Yeah. To me, the most iconic red carpet outfits are early 2000s when people wore jeans under dresses. Wow, Ashley Tisdale.

Ashley Tisdale. Ashley Tis. If you had to pick one Bjork song for the aliens to hear, which are you picking? I would pick the song Five Years. It has like a long tail at the top. But then it really fucking gets you right in the genitals we're here for the ride there it is let's go

if you're sitting i want you to stand up here it is if you're standing i want you to sit down after five years she said the name of the song there she did it um i love this because it's like a breakup song it's a breakup song where she's like you broke up with me and in five years you're gonna wake up loveless you know you're gonna realize like i was amazing you're still a piece of garbage. And I listened to this song after every breakup I've ever had. And it has really gotten me through some tough times. Is that how you want them to hear it? You want the aliens to have a breakup before they listen?

Well, I just want to say, listen, aliens, we've all dealt with, you know, breakups and rejection. You know, things that didn't work out uh you know cheating infidelities of various kinds uh and if you need a pick me up alien this is you know this is the one this is the song it's got to be five years by bjork well i do love that i think that's iconic i definitely would include the swan dress um what else nagin what else would you put on your iconic records okay so uh that moment when you're like when you see like a concert v like violinist um in a park like just playing for free for like you know coins or whatever in the case uh and uh and it's like really moving and they're really good and they're probably like juilliard students or just

straight up they work at the philharmonic but they're just like doing this in their spare time because they love music so much and or uh they need a little bit more money to make their lives happen uh and it's like so moving and then you cry not realizing like oh you're in public so then you sort of like like wipe your ears and you're like i'm it's allergies oh whoo and you're like alone and you're just explaining it to whoever will listen that like you're not really crying because you're so moved from the music which is is also, what is that inclination about? Because I agree. I have this moment all the time where like,

I mean, I think that the highest, the pinnacle of artistic performance to me is a street performer. I think like, you're not expecting it. It meets you in your day. You're on your way to a job you hate and you're met by this beautiful music. One of my favorite performers in the world is Andrew Johnston.

Andrew, Andrew to the mic. He's aston he's andrew andrew to the mic he's a he's a street singer he's at andrew to the mic on instagram he sings uh on the subways and streets of chicago beautiful amazing voice and just meets you in the middle of the day you didn't get you didn't get dressed up and go down to a venue um but what is that inclination about too because i will be like i will be like stunned by a street performer and i'll be like trying to like enjoy it without people around me seeing that i'm enjoying it it's like what why do i need to hide that i don't know why speaking of andrew to the mic though yes my old therapist he used to sing on the corner right outside my old therapist's office. So I, he would like score my therapy sessions

and it was one of the wildest. I like also, we know him. I knew him. So it'd be like, Oh, that's Andrew. And I'd be like crying about, I don't know, shit. Be like, he'd be singing Adele. Yeah. He does have sort of more, I really have openly cried to him singing. Yeah. And it is weird because, well, so I think of like, you remember in the early days of dumb videos, there was that guy who saw like two rainbows or something. Yes. The double rainbow. The double rainbow guy. And he was so emotional and he was just like, oh my God, oh my God.

It started to even look like a triple rainbow oh my god it's full on double rainbow all the way across the sky i feel like i have that reaction internally to like many things but it's like it feels deeply inappropriate. I'm like, I don't need to be a meme, you know? And it feels deeply inappropriate to like be that excited. And I feel like I get frequently excited by public performance. And there's so much of it, right?

You go to parks and on street corners or whatever, subways, and you see so much of that. And some of it is just so excellent. And part of, I think, what gets me really upset is that that person should be rolling around in money and famous, and they should just be beloved, and this should be Madison Square Garden, right? Part of me is that people are just not appreciating them enough, and I get so upset. And maybe it's because I'm a comedian as well, and I know the feeling.

I have to jump in on that and say that a part of that feeling, exactly what you were saying, is I get a little bit jealous as a comic because I'm like – comedy is so contextual. Comedy, you can't happen – I mean, there are funny things you can happen upon, but you cannot happen upon. Yeah, but you're not going to happen on someone doing stand-up in the park and be like, yes, yes, this. It's contextual, and it takes a level of mutual agreement and participation that other art doesn't. If you play the violin on the street,

I can happen into that and recognize its beauty. That's not true about comedy. You know what I mean? Yeah, you also know it's good. You can not like something i know it's good objective yep yeah i can i can it's really hard if you don't like someone's like comedy it's hard to be like but they are good i just don't like it because it feels like well how are they good then yeah yeah i'm really jealous that i can't make people laugh in that way in meeting them in the street or whatever, like unexpectedly.

It just doesn't work with our field. And I think I'm also just, I'm also, there's something about being that vulnerable. Again, like if I was a musician, would I be busking on the streets? You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I have that level of bravery, you know?

And I think I'm just jealous of the just pure devotion that I see before me. This is probably unfair to someone, and I don't know which group I think it's unfair to, but I'm going to allow it anyway. Hopefully everybody. I hope this hurts everyone. don't know which group I think it's unfair to, but I'm going to allow it anyway. Hopefully everybody. I hope this hurts everyone. I hope it sits with no one and hurts everyone. But I also, like with an instrument, it feels less vulnerable to me than singing because it's like, oh, so many people can make sounds with their voice, but not make it sound good. Anyone doing anything well with an instrument, I'm like, well, that's already better than I can do.

So it feels less vulnerable. Like you could be in level two of trumpet class and go into the park and play it. And I'm like, hell yeah, I can't do it at all. Whereas someone singing, I'm like, I could sing in the park, I'm choosing not to. But then there's people that are like Andrew, who I'm like, okay, nevermind.

I can't do that. Right. By the way, thank you for using the technical term trumpet class yeah well I don't know what they're taking I have to keep it broad because I don't know what they're taking also Shelby or someone

in all of this said objectivity really speaks to me I think this all the time I'm so jealous of musicians generally or like I guess even like physical, like, um, um, acrobats, no artists like painters, like visual, visual artists don't even have this where like comedians definitely don't have it. You look like you were doing ribbon dancing.

I was doing ribbon dancing for the listeners. No, but objectivity, I really crave. And I really, I really feel jealous of that because yeah there's there's really no comic in the world that i'm like oh they're technically skilled but i like musicians i could be like oh like chris brown's music goes like chris brown made some fucking hot music we can't be a chris and he we're not that's what i'm saying he's a bad dude who i cannot stand but even still i'm like like, undeniably the music goes. But it's like comedy that's not like that.

If someone's a piece of shit, you instantly start to view all of their stuff differently because you're like, that's who they are. You know what I mean? It's very personal. You know what makes me cry in that same way? Me saying that Chris Brown's music goes?

Went, it went, it used to go at a time it went. No, what makes you cry? Shall we be honest? honest okay I think you and I have talked about this but it's anyone in like a service oh my god like you love this yeah it truly like hurts my heart someone like front desk at like an airport um or like just like I don't know someone at the dmv on a hot like a minor holiday dressing up for that putting on like one of those headbands with the designs or something like a saint patrick's day necklace yeah like it's and like just giving it that that i it makes me cry immediately i'm almost gonna cry right now i've seen it it's so fucking cute to me the thought of them because immediately i don't think of it as like okay they're dressed up that's really sweet

and cry i think of like them getting ready in the morning and putting it on and being like my customers are gonna love this and just being like this will bring cheer like you're not doing that for you it's annoying so you're doing it just like to be kind and that um every time i've ever seen someone like that i've teared up and i've had to do this like little fake think it's allergies thing or be like oh my god something's in my eye again because we can't we can't express emotion you know with like an own up to it how fucking weird to like go up to the person at the bank and be like sorry you're dressing up just really got me the earrings that are flashing on and off in the fashion of christmas they're making me cry yeah i do think there's something to that though what you're saying

about like like like like coming back to that thing of like not being able to express beauty because on one hand i'm like oh that's deeply sad that i feel like i need to hide um feeling moved by something but on the other hand it's like that is a lot that is a big burden to put on someone else to be like just so you know i'm having a real moment right now and then being like okay well i'm working you know like okay well i have to i have to count these dollar bills but like it's so strange to be like to be like i'm having a really intense moment right now that you're involved in but didn't consent to you know it's it's so strange to be like, I'm having a really intense moment right now that you're involved in but didn't consent to. It's a strange thing to put on somebody. Right.

It is. The whole thing. But I would love for aliens to feel this, to be overcome with that kind of feeling in general. Yes. Okay. What else would you put on your records? Okay. So this is a little bit similar.

There's something called the High Line in New York City. And it's just fabulous. It's an old railway that was then sort of decommissioned. And it was just sitting there being an empty above ground railway. And a group of just brilliant designers got together. They raised the money they you know worked with the city a bunch of things happened and several million dollars and a ton of equity sweat equity later they built this really beautiful public works project which is on the level of like an empire state building or a statue of liberty or whatever except for it happened like in the

last few years you know know what I mean? And you kind of don't see stuff like that very much anymore. A thing that's like changing the face of a city. I mean, I don't know if Chicago had something like that while you guys were living there. The Bean.

I'm just kidding. No, but like not that played out while we were there, but yeah. But you know what I mean? Like a thing that's like, oh, this. And then immediately it became one of the most popular things to see in New York City. It would just be filled with Japanese tourists and tourists from, I don't know why I singled out the Japanese. All of the tourists.

Okay. Every tourist. All of them. But it would be filled with tourists. And also, and people just like, wow, this is really cool. And it's like, yeah, it's like world-renowned really cool. And I think the thing

that I love about that is you're like living in this country, we'll call it America, and there's so much polarization and it feels like it's so difficult to get things done. And yet here's like a group of people that managed to get a whole, you know, to cut through a whole bunch of red tape and get this

huge public works project done. By the way, this thing spans something like 25 city blocks, you know, you can walk along this thing. And it's really remarkable because it's sort of like, wow, things can still get done while so many people hate each other. And it's really uplifting. And there's another project coming out now called The Islands, which is right near the entrance of the High Line, which is the similar. It's like the next thing. It's this incredible, weird island that they built like next to manhattan that's just

a mess like it's weird look it up online you could see some photos already it's not open yet it's called the island or like little island sorry i think it's called little island um and uh and yeah that's the thing is like this this joy of it like i i wonder like i think about like the guys who built the pyramid and stuff right in in egypt like was this that feeling of like seeing a thing get made and like how exciting that is for like the whole country this little island thing is crazy it's crazy right now look it up something about the highline too that i i lived in new york for two summers in college and was immediately like taken by the High Line

I was like this is this the High Line felt to me like oh this is such a cool city thing you know I'd never lived in a big city before and something I think about a lot with the High Line is that it was initially proposed in 1999 didn't get built until 2009 and I am so fucking impatient

like I hate I hate how long things take like when really Caleb really Caleb that doesn't sound like you at all babe no you are so good at hiding that shut up the the idea of something taking a decade to come to fruition is so excruciating to me and it took that long for this to happen and now it's like this iconic part of New York City. And I mean, you know, hopefully always will be. And I'm like, oh, it's a good reminder to me that like, yeah, sometimes, duh, it takes a little bit of time to make something that's truly like brilliant and incredible. And I think it's cool that it spanned like, you know, it spanned like multiple administrations, it spanned multiple iterations of people working on it. Like just took time. Can you imagine having the confidence to pitch something like that to New York

city? I've got an idea on how I can make the greatest city in the world, uh, in terms of like feats better. Like it's crazy. But then it makes me think of like, you know, when, when, when the note, when the Notre Dame, Notre I just, I like sobbed at that news, you know. I was so sad. And it's not like I, I mean, I've lived in Paris.

It's not a big deal. Oh, my God. Thank you. Flex, flex, flex. No, no, no. I just speak that language and it's fine it's not a big deal but anyways um i i lived but i i i used to just go and stare and i loved it and then to think of the the centuries that that building lasted right and that was like think about a dude and whenever that was built 15 whatever being like i got an idea for a

church it's gonna look like this right like that's crazy um let me know what you like if you like it if you don't like it i came up with a thing it's called flying buttresses what do you guys think someone brings it to whoever and goes, so I did a thing. I hate I did a thing. I hate I did a thing, but that's so funny to imagine. That's how they pitched the Notre Dame. Sorry, I have an idea that's a little bit random panda.

I don't mean to be awkward turtle about this one, but I think I did a thing. I have an idea for something that I think could be really awesome sauce. Oh, that's the worst. Amazeballs. Awesome sauce was amazeballs. Awesome sauce felt like it started

in a strip mall. You know what I mean? It was birthed in a strip mall. Yeah, exactly. Before we hop into the rest of your items on your record, Nagin, I feel like we... I think we gotta take a break you gotta take a break and welcome bark welcome bark oh my god you said it with me for the second time and the first time i did it with you i thought that would end it now i'm just i guess i have to lean in i don't think

i have a choice welcome bark the listeners love listeners i just want to encourage you guys um all nobody has tweeted at us about this nobody has messaged us about this um all five million of you please review us on apple and spotify and everything and say that you love welcome bark um because shelby is literally being so mean to me about it uh nagin i just did it with you you heard me do it with you. Yeah, but I think you can acknowledge that the energy that you did, it was pretty condescending. Nagin, we want to do something with you called this or that.

This or that. This or that. This. Or that. This or that is when we will, you have 60 seconds on the clock, and we will run through a list of two items.

You have to pick quickly one or the other, and then we move on. There's really no winning. You're just trying to get through as many as you can. The name of the game is to be quick. The time starts now. And your first question is fall asleep easy or wake up easy. Wake up easy. Indiana Jones or Indiana, the state.

Indiana Jones. Snickers or Twix? Twix. Brothers Grimm or Gr up easy? Wake up easy. Indiana Jones or Indiana the State? Indiana Jones. Snickers or Twix? Twix. Brothers Grimm or Grim Reaper? Brothers Grimm. Legs as long as fingers or fingers as long as legs?

Ew. Legs. Legs as long as fingers. I don't know. Be able to see 10 minutes into your own future or 10 minutes into the future of anyone but yourself?

Oh, 10 minutes into the future of anyone but myself. Cake or ice cream? Cake. Amazeballs are awesome sauce. Amazeballs. Jerry Maguire or Jerry Springer? Jerry Maguire. Being able to jump really high or being able to fall asleep on command?

Being able to fall asleep on command. Tarzan or George of the Jungle? George of the Jungle. Bark on a tree or bark from a dog? Bark from a dog? Last one, Air Bud or Bud Light? Bud Light. Amazing.

Amazing job. You got through so many. That was an incredible round. I think it was actually one of the most iconic rounds we've ever had. Oh my gosh. And now we should talk about what else you would put on your records, to be honest. This one is like a quickie because i already mentioned paris and having and having lived there did i meant that i actually was speaking the language oh and then i speak the language

but i i i want people the first time i really had french food it was like i was in an abroad program like an you know know, whatever. And they took us to a farm, a French farm. And we they walked us around, blah, blah, blah. There's like a crazy old church and all this stuff in that little town. And then they they made us dinner. And it was like, I had like butter sauce on salmon. And it was it was basically the first time I had ever eaten food. You know what I mean? That's when you're like, oh, there's a difference between foods. You know, like some foods are really exquisite and then a lot, most foods are just garbage. And that's when I first had that.

Like my mouth just had a discovery. Absolutely. So I wish that for everybody, for your mouth to have a discovery. Hey. What's like the most iconic French dish? Because like I feel like we all think snails, right? Escargot. But that to me is like a punchline dish.

That's why I'm asking. Because I'm like, to me, I'm like French food, we got snails. Right. But like it's really the basis of just 90% of everything that is in American cuisine. You know what I mean? It's like any, yeah, it's like, but like this, but try it like a salmon with butter sauce. A salmon with butter, like a lime and butter sauce. That was hot.

Oh my God, Kayla, did you feel that? That was really hot. Amy, I speak French. French. French. French. lemon and butter sauce thank you that was really hot um and um but like i but also just i i realized too like i mean their breads they're i mean i really i pre-game whenever i go to france of just like only eating vegetables for a while so that when i go there i could just non-stop eat like tarts and and pound chocolate and like their average their average food is just unbelievably delicious oh i'm going i'm going i one thing that i have been doing a lot of since being vaccinated is googling flights i cannot stop googling flights i yes i cannot stop thinking

about being somewhere else today it's so funny yeah i can't stop anything is i like i'm pretty new to la uh paying rent here and then not being here time here but then he's like okay i guess i also want to spend time in in uh i can't stop googling flights like just because i I always want to do what I can't do, like whatever I'm not supposed to do. That's exactly what I want. Um, like I'm a fucking child. And so,

yeah, the fact that I haven't been able to fly to Spain, even though I have no business there, I'm like, well now I have to, you know, I mean, are those European countries even really open?

That's literally, I don't think they are. And that, again, you're asking the important questions. I'm like, and then I'm like. He doesn't care. He wants to get on the plane and get upgraded to first class for free. Oh, God.

First class. Don't get me started on first class. I can't believe some of the first. You look up some of these international flights. The first class tickets are $15,000. They're little houses. It's crazy. Tiny little houses. Aren't there there those planes there's those planes that are two stories what yeah there's planes that are two stories have you been on one either of you

i feel like weirdly i feel like it was on one to go to iran as a child yeah wow but it wasn't like a fancy plane it just happened to be two stories yeah like we were yeah we were just going to see the in-laws the idea of getting on a plane and having my seat be upstairs is so insane luxurious upstairs on a plane just sounds funny you know like in those really big planes where when you get on you could go like not just first classes to the left there's like other rows to the left after the entrance so they'll be like to the left or to the right do you guys yeah yeah yeah yeah the idea of them being like oh you're gonna be upstairs is so funny of being like oh you're just gonna go to the left there's gonna be a staircase you're gonna take

that right up that can i tell you my most tortured experience with stairs because i all of them but sure go ahead just so you know that's one of the things i delete from the record stairs i want to be floated stairs oh that makes sense um there's a good one i know i was a waitress in paris and uh and i so i'm waiting tables at this really like popular lunchtime businessman type restaurant. And they would come and it was like they had prefix meals. So they would all order like three or four courses. And we weren't allowed to write anything down.

And so I had to memorize. So there'd be like a table of six and they'd each have a different combination of like three courses of things. And I just had to figure it out and memorize it. And on top of that, they routinely gave me the second floor. So then I would have to take these orders from these dudes, run downstairs, put in the orders, then run upstairs with just tons of trays of food.

I thought I was going to die every time. It was miserable. And then the worst part was that the final, the dessert course was like you could have a cake or whatever it was. Or you could have three different flavors of ice cream among 12 flavors. And I had to memorize. And they wouldn't let you write anything down. Yeah, that's a classic. So it would be like three crazy flavors, seven different arrangements worth of flavors out of 12.

I mean, it was just impossible to memorize. So people would just be getting random ice creams. And then, yeah, and it sucked. I don't like that. I want to delete that for you from the record. Thank you. I'm deleting that from your personal history of memory. Thank you.

Thank you. You're so welcome. Speaking of deleting something from the records caleb well again we'd like to ask you um what is something so embarrassing bad uncool in the history of humanity that you think you should be deleted from the records altogether and before you answer we do have to tell you it does not need to be like big like it doesn't have to be the big bad wars famine sexism homophobia so so i've given this some thought in the last 20 seconds and um and the first thing that came to mind is plumber's butt like when someone is like working and then they're doing something and they're like working really hard and they don't know that their butt crack is showing and they're probably and they're like the type of person who probably doesn't want their butt

crack to show which is i want to say most people yeah um and they it's like and they would probably be embarrassed. And then you feel embarrassed because they may eventually know. And so then you feel weird because, you know, there's secret about their butt right now. I just the whole thing is rot and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want I don't want I'm done. I'm done with seeing other people's butt cracks inadvertently. I was going to ask such a stupid question, which is like, why did we start calling it plumber's butt? And it's like, obviously because they're always kneeling down and their pants fall. That's the whole thing.

Yeah, that's the whole thing. But it happens. I mean, it happens in many professions, I imagine. Comedian's butt. Oh, comedian's butt. Well, the reason I don't like that that is is not even because i mind seeing like i'm like whatever there's a butt like it means nothing to me it just stresses me out because i hate when when like my pants are just a little too small or something has happened with they've

gotten stretched out during the day or my belt's not quite doing what it needs to be i forgot to wear a belt anytime my pants are doing something goofy it pisses me off it ruins my day i do not want that my pants need to be perfectly where i need them so right i feel so much anxiety on that person's behalf where i'm like god do they hate their butt being out i don't i feel anxiety i feel like what if it gets worse and it falls all the way they might have a pp and it could come out i don't want their pee pee out and i i don't mind seeing it like just as an abstract concept of like seeing a butt like that's fine or a pee pee it's just that it's like the all of the stress of that you know that person and their feelings and you know all of that yeah they're large and they

contain multitudes maybe so maybe they're hating it And then I have to contain multitudes and hate it, but also not be weird about it. It's a lot. It's a lot going on. It's too much. It's too much for just getting your sink repaired. Yeah. Just to have your sink repaired. I always try. It's been particularly hard during COVID, but anytime something needs to go on, I've always rented, never owned. Thank you. I always try to schedule it for when i'm not going to be around because i feel like that's so nice for whoever's doing it like they get to come in and like whistle a tune or play some music out loud and like totally you know if it's not going well they get to be like god damn it like oh i think it's so nice to not be there just give them

the space you know i can't fix stuff myself you're you're uh you're real like that's that's how you express your humanity is by being the fuck somewhere else exactly nikki what uh what else would you include on your records though you're not deleting everything you're gonna put some stuff on so i am i would also put on like um cute outfits not like i would put cute outfits in the thing but just like that moment where you're like oh i'm like wearing a cute outfit that little like that little pat on your own back where you're like damn i put this together yes that i want a lot of people to know that joy uh it's such a easy thing it's like a you know you're feeling good about yourself.

You know? You achieved an artistic thing on your body that's like you know that you're into. I like that and I want aliens to know about it. I love that. Caleb came into my room before recording and said, hey, were you gonna

compliment my outfit? Because I look good. And I you gonna compliment my outfit because i look good and i was gonna compliment the outfit but ultimately he beat me to the punch and i didn't get to it right i had to just be like yeah no it does yeah i have you know what sometimes shelby you need to be faster you know that's so true and i don't think i often am fast enough no you're always trying yeah yeah yeah a lot of people do that where a lot of people have other things on their mind other than complimenting me and so a compliments come kind of slowly then to me because right you know we had to talk about like oh my you know my grandma's in the hospital or whatever people always just have something going on just like something yeah my grandma was in the hospital right yeah i'm like dragging you specifically

i'm like i'm like yeah people always have to talk about like their job or whatever and it's like compliment me already um i love a cute outfit i it's honestly pretty i haven't i don't i i would say there's there's some people who like and i'm really jealous these people there are some people who put together an iconic cute amazing outfit like truly two or three times a week i'm not such a person i maybe get one a month where i'm like damn you're doing it you know what i mean it's it's it's more rare for me no i i mean i put a lot of effort into it so i feel like uh i feel like i achieve it you know maybe three or four times a month ah yeah we're looking at we're looking at once a week i feel i

feel pretty decent about an outfit i love that i could try harder i also could be bolder i i don't really i i don't i think my i like i like a good i like a style that's just kind of like uh a little tame i don't think i love a big but i'm often most impressed by people who do something big you know right and there's a lot of fear around cute outfits in america like how often do you feel like you see And there's a lot of fear around cute outfits in America. Like how often do you feel like you see someone that's just like really killing it on the outfit front? It's not often because there's people are just scared to like go outside the box and they're like, I'll just get the beige pants.

You know what I mean? And it's like, don't though get the polka dot pants. You know what I mean? Fuck it. How long are we here? If I was five inches taller, I would have the best style in the world. But I'm not that tall.

So a lot of what I wear is like pants that are too big. And like wearing my dad's blazer kind of stuff. If I was taller though, it would look out. I mean, this feels like an excuse. Well, I was going to say or, and this is where it doesn't become an excuse and instead places blame on myself if I got clothes that fit me. And in that way, went to a tailor if they didn't. Right, right, right. I think I've gotten one pair of pants hemmed in my life. Wow.

That's crazy. And I'm really short. I'll cut pants myself. That's crazy. But then I get kind of free with the scissors. I cut them wrong. Yeah, no. Yeah, you got to get.

We're adults at this point. Shelby, grow up, bitch. What is your problem? No, you're not wrong. I think I got one pair of pants hemmed, and it was because i had a director for a sketch show in chicago that insisted i had to and i love that director do you well who is it i don't know i just love that i can't name them on the pod but i know that you don't oh okay well you know well now you definitely can't because it puts me in a box no i just love i love a director that says uh that goes that into detail that's such a chicago sketch thing of

directors being like your sneakers if you're gonna wear sneakers must be white and they must be pristine it's like what does that really have to do with the jokes you know yeah there was one director that i had in chicago that always said you had to look better than the audience and that was like the big thing and then that was in sketch sketch. And then I like that. It's honestly a nice. Yeah. But then you go into standup. That's for sketch. And I'm like, sure.

And then you go into standup and people are in like their pajamas and you're like, oh, okay. Nevermind. You know, I used to like dress like I used to try and be a little bit more like masculine with doing standup because I thought that I would command more respect that way or something. I'm not sure. I'm not sure what I was thinking. And then at a certain point, I was like, I wear a lot of dresses.

What am I doing? You know what I mean? Who am I trying to fool? I could be wearing pants, but they still come off like a dress. You know what I mean? At the end of the day like people see right through it um so just be feminine if that's what you are like it's okay i had to like have this conversation with myself yes yes yeah i believe in my heart of

hearts nikki that you have uh one more thing you want to include on your records am i correct or incorrect this is i have a final thing um it's a bit of a throwaway but it's the grinder which is a sitcom starring fred savage and rob lowe and it had only one season do you know this show well i mean i didn't but we looked it up i watched the pilot today for you so we could talk already it. Already? Okay. So if the aliens don't get this record, I got to watch it. I don't know. It just like, it popped into my head as a great

comedy. It was totally canceled after the first season, which is a real shame. It was really, really funny. I don't know why it came up in my head, but it did. If you want to see Rob Lowe being totally ridiculous and very Rob Lowe-y, this is the show. And also, if you want to see Fred Savage be the perfect straight man type character, it's a master class in how to do that. It's so funny and he's so good at just being that. The premise of the show is that Rob Lowe was a TV lawyer on a show called The Grinder.

And he retires from the show and goes back to his hometown in Idaho to live with his brother, who is a real lawyer. So what are you going to do now that the show's over? So clear to me now. Dad was a great lawyer. You're a great lawyer. I became a character who's a great lawyer. I should be doing it for real. The defense calls Mr. Albert.

So we've got fake TV lawyer with real lawyer and the jokes start there. And they start there and they keep coming and they don't stop coming. Okay. And they stop just 22 episodes later. They definitely do stop. They stop. After season one, they stop pretty abruptly the actor that plays fred savage's son in that show is so believable funny and he's in other stuff and i can't think of what i'm like trying to look him up now to see if i can remember but

every time he's ever been on anything i find him to be truly hilarious hilarious so good a little weirdo i haven't seen it yet i think you can see that i saw i think you could see it on on one of the streamers so go and stream and actually watch this season of television you'll have a really fun time hey episode one i'm having a good time i'll watch episode two i'm logging on to episode two great good yeah you know what let's end this podcast now you gotta get you got some work to do. You guys keep talking, but I'm going to head out,

but you guys had an awesome, this was awesome. Nagin, thank you so much for doing this. We are so happy you could be here. Is there anything before we go that you'd like to plug? Yeah. I mean,

I would love for people to subscribe to fake the nation, which is also a fellow HeadGum show. So we have that in common. Hello. And I also I'm going to be on I'm on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. I'm on Star Talk with Neil deGrasse Tyson. You know, I'm a regular in all those shows. But I'm also on the new Bird Girl show on Adult Swim.

I play a mind taker so if you're into um adult swim animation it's so funny it's just really fun and ridiculous so uh watch bird girl it's sunday nights uh on the cartoon network watch bird girl subscribe to fake the nation for the love of god for the love of god and join the rest of us. Why don't you listeners hop into the 21st century and join the rest of us in standing Nagin, okay? You have to. If you don't already, many of you probably do. And Nagin, last question.

If there's one quick log line for the aliens, what are we saying? What would you say to them? This is just like on the record, just a quick thing, a quick greeting. What do you want to say? Oh the record, just a quick thing, a quick greeting. What do you want to say? Oh, we were trying humanity really hard. Exactly.

That's it. Exactly that. That's all they need to know. We were trying humanity really hard, you guys. We did our absolute best. Please believe us. Some people harder than others, but we did try. Collectively, when you average it out, we did our best.

Incredible. We really tried hard. Well, thank you, Nagin. Bye-bye. Ciao for now. Thank you. That was a Hiddem Original.