KFC Radio - Action Bronson Hates KFC, Thomas Lennon, and Dating Your Ex's Twin

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

Action Bronson (4:50) talks about his new book, how he went from professional chef to rapper, the Yankees, the Mets, how great it is to get paid to watch Ancient Aliens, and then threatens to throw KFC through a wall because he mentions Ghostface Killah (18:50). The guys recap the whole situation (21:10), then play The Office (41:30) with topics from Zah, Frankie and Glenny. Voicemails (59:30) include leaving airpods in during sex, ex is dating my identical twin, and watch your parents have sex or they watch you. After that we chat with Thomas Lennon (1:13:56) about Reno 911, Keith Hernandez, Kate Beckinsale & Pete Davidson, and how he might be the next JK RowlingYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Another edition of KFC Radio presented by Postmates. The spring is upon us, summer's coming. That means you've got to get your wardrobe right. Because if you look like me, and you're a little bit skinny-fat, and things aren't so great, you've got to make sure that the clothes covering that gross body up are on point. If I may say, you look very fancy today.

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Shout out to Ghostface Killer. One of the greatest rappers of all time. A legend who paved the way for other rappers. Shout out to Nface Killer, one of the greatest rappers of all time. A legend who paved the way for other rappers. Shout out to Noseface Killer, too. Became the first Bruin since Joe Thornton in 2003 to score 100 points last night. Wow. Shout out to Brad Marchand. He's pretty good, huh?

One of the best players in the NHL. That's it. But I think the world recognizes now who he is. Well, the world recognizes Action Bronson as one of the uh premier rappers in the game as well as a tv star and now author and also uh not a friend of the program so action bronson came in i'm sure that's why you're listening now uh i'm sure we have a handful of new listeners because everybody in the uh hip-hop world is writing about this. XXL wrote about it.

The 2000 me is very excited to be in XXL. Maybe The Source will write about it. Maybe I can get five mics in The Source. So Action Bronson came in here. He's been on Barstool many times before. He was on Thinker. He was on Part of My Take. this was his first appearance on KFC radio and it didn't

go great didn't go great actually a lot of it went well the majority of the interview 10% of it didn't go well yeah I was going to say 90% of this interview actually went really well and I thought it was pretty funny and entertaining and I thought we were getting along I was very excited for the interview he is a rapper that I like he's one of the last rappers

I didn't know all this like I didn't know you were very excited for the interview. He is a rapper that I like. He's one of the last rappers. I didn't know all this. I didn't know you were very excited. Yeah, I'm not like a diehard fan, but I was excited because, you know me, I take my hip hop seriously and I don't like any of the new rap. Every time you say that, I'm like, are you sure? What do you mean? You just don't look like a guy who takes hip hop seriously. I don't look it, but I certainly am.

I'm just like, I'm judging a book by its cover. Really? Yep. Definitely. I'm judging a book by its cover really? definitely I really this is what led to the whole issue I do like hip hop a lot I like the fact that

Action Bronson is one of the last guys who actually raps I don't like the new wave shit and I'm always very interested in rap beef I wrote like 50,000 words on Eminem and MGK, I wrote on Drake and Pusha, I wrote like 50,000 words on Eminem and MGK. I wrote on Drake and Pusha. I loved all the old school beef. It's one of the most interesting things in music to me. And so Action Bronson was in and he had a very famous, you know, within the hip hop world,

very well-known feud with Ghostface Killer from the Wu-Tang Clan. And I wanted to talk about it. It was on my list of things to get to in the interview amongst all the other shit. And, um, I brought his name up and, uh, action Bronson, uh, said he was going to throw me through a fucking wall. So, uh, we'll get into the interview now. Uh, and then after it, we'll, we'll talk a little bit about it because I'm actually surprised this is the first time it's ever happened. I didn't think, you know, for the most part, you would imagine Barstool kind of ruffles feathers more than this, but this is really one of the only times on any shows that we've had someone kind of storm out on us. So, let's get into it.

Action Bronson on KC Radio. Talk to him, Bronsolino. You doing a lot of press, or what? Not really. No? A little bit. Cool. As much as I can do I feel you

Is this on? I'm not a fucking hog Is this plugged in? This is a fucking This is a tremendous studio I love this studio You mean that sincerely? No, sincerely

Or you're saying ironically? No, it's shitty Which is good We're moving offices In a couple weeks Nah, it won't sound the same Trust me Nah I know

But we I feel you But we need to When you record music In shitty places It always sounds better Yeah Once you step foot

Into some fancy shit It's a wrap The game changes The game is over Pop Pop music Good to go Alright

Action Bronson is back At Barstool HQ He's on KFC Radio He's got Coming through with the new book You got your copy of the book Stolen Beyond Belief In your hands I do Mine's nice and shiny Barstool HQ. He's on KFC Radio. He's coming through with a new book. You got your copy of the book, Stone Beyond Belief, in your hands. I do. Mine's nice and shiny and

fresh and the binding is all proper. Yours, not so much, my man. What happened to that book there? This is the original one. It's been through some shit. It's got yellow tape. It's beat up. It's been through a lot. It's been ran over. It's been thrown off a roof. It's been fucking elbow dropped. It's been ran over. It's been thrown off a roof. It's been fucking elbow dropped.

It's been all kinds of shit. You carry that one everywhere you go? Yeah, this is the one. It's been burned, syphilis, all kinds of shit. That's the sluttiest book you've ever seen, man. I got it from a toilet seat. It didn't even get it from fucking. It got it from a toilet seat.

That's the worst kind. Exactly. If you're going to get chlamydia, at least get it from fucking. Get it from a toilet seat. That's the worst of the worst. It's nice. I get chlamydia, at least get it from fucking, get it from a toilet seat. That's the worst of the worst. Hey, it's nice. I didn't even do anything wrong. I just went to shit.

Or piss. So you, my man, you have done, I mean, you were obviously an accomplished chef. Then you would jump into the rap game. Then you do a little bit of TV. Now you're publishing books. And you've done all of them equally successfully. What do you consider yourself? Like successfully what do you what do you consider yourself like what would you say you're i'm a rapper would you say i'm a chef or i'm all

those things you're just a person yeah i'm all those things i'm just a man that does all these things you know everything i'm just a i'm just a i don't know creative a renaissance man dude yeah i do a bunch of different shit but it there shouldn't be any labels That you have to just do one thing It blows people's mind That you don't just do one thing Which is fucking ridiculous I'm only supposed to fucking walk straight I like to zig and zag

And go backwards and spin A little twirling A little pirouette You do a little ballet Alvin Ailey I'm a motherfucking Alvin Ailey dancer Yeah, I like twirls. All that. You do a little ballet? Yes, man. Light on the feet. Alvin Ailey. Oh, look at you. I'm a motherfucking Alvin Ailey dancer.

Jump splits. I only split when I jump. Like that. I'll give you a million dollars if you do that right now. You don't have a million dollars in your pocket. You're right. I will do it if I had a different pair of shorts on. Those are not your splits? No, the explosion shorts.

I think that the internet and all that shit today allows you, the game allows you to do all those things now, I feel like. Even athletes, like you see the way LeBron is doing TV and this, that, and the other thing. I feel like you almost get criticized for branching out, where it's like, no, you don't have to just be put in one box anymore because the world allows you to, if you're talented in different fields,

you can do all that shit. Absolutely. And you know, well, LeBron has the means to do whatever he wants. Yeah. You know, so with my situation,

you got the talent. I mean, you know what I mean? Like that's the, I mean, not everyone can go be a chef. Not everyone can go rap. You know,

you gotta have the passion. That's what I have. I have the drive to do different things. I don't, I'm, I idle hand is one of my worst. That's my, you know I have the drive to do different things. I don't. Idle hand is one of my worst. That's my, you know, it's just a fucking bad thing. No, come on.

Come on, man. Idle hands are the best. It's not good. Come on. What are you talking about? You get into trouble, man. You like to just smoke weed and chill. Come on.

Yeah, but my mind's still working. Oh, fuck that. That's not idle hands. I'm still doing things, you know, prepping the hash and shit. So I'm still doing some sort of craftsman. I'm being a craftsman. In some sort of way, I have to doodle. Some sort of way, I'm doing something.

Elbow drop books, throw them off roofs. 100%. Like, how much fun is it to fight the book? I mean, I'm going to find out. It's indestructible. I'm going to beat this shit up, man. Beat the fuck up, but you also have to nurture it. Tape it up.

I'm going to give it some stitches. You know, I'm going to bang a nail through each hole and then stitch it up good. I got a nice DeWalt I want to try out. What do you think you're best at? Let's say tomorrow, for some reason, Gun to your head, you've got to pick one profession, one craft, and you can only do that for the rest of your life. In terms of making money, in terms of being happy, in terms of all that.

I don't know. I don't't know i like doing all these things they each bring a different joy to me but if i had to probably choose one thing it would have to be professional baseball oh yeah i mean i got a bone to pick with you about that that was my destiny it was it it was but i was too short and too fat that is probably a roadblock there it is it's tough to be a professional athlete when you don't have

the height but I had you were big when you were young no I was fucking 105 pounds really no

are you fucking crazy what are you serious here what position did you play in what baseball yeah first base I know they stick everybody that's fat first base power lefty What position do you play? In what, baseball? Yeah. First base.

I know they stick everybody that's fat first base. Power lefty, throw right. You could, that's a valuable position. One million percent. I've met Prince Fielder. I like Prince Fielder a lot. He's my guy. I could have been that.

Two more inches he had on me. Yeah, that's all you needed. You could swing the stick, though. I could swing. I mean, not like Prince, but he secured the bag, and then he just kind of mailed it in. He hurt himself. He had an injury, right? Yeah. I mean, I do think his weight kind of caught up with him a little bit. It was tough to bounce back, but not before he got

like 160 mil, whatever it was. Big money. Finesse. Yeah, big time. Finesse Hall of Fame on that one. I got a bone to pick with you about professional sports, because I mean, you're Mr. Queensinesse. Yeah, big time. Finesse Hall of Fame on that one. I got a bone to pick with you about professional sports because you're Mr. Queens over everything. Fuck that, man. I was the opposite. I'm from the Bronx and I like

the Mets, so I was behind enemy lines. You, you're Queens, Queens, Queens. I come from immigrants. He didn't have a baseball team in Albania. There was no baseball team in Kosovo, you know what I mean? My father, he liked the Mets when it was like, you know, it was just celebration time. Right, so why not?

I come from a lineage of grandfather. My grandfather was a baseball guy. That's who put me onto baseball. He had me buying all kinds of baseball cards for me when I was a kid. He was a Giants fan. New York Giants, Polo Grounds. Right. This man came to Ellis Island 1917.

Original New York. You know what I'm saying? Yep. Brooklyn, Saratoga, Brownsville shit. Mm-hmm. That's where my mother's born, Brownsville. We're from fucking New York City. Mm-hmm.

We moved to Flushing. There's no doubt about it. We're Flushing people. In Flushing, I'm five minutes away from Shea. Come on. Five minutes from Shea. Come on. They had me in all kinds of little outfits when I was young.

I'm sure they did. Just wasn't my destiny, man. Fuck that. 92. 92. I became a Yankee fan. I don't know why. So you were rooting for the Mets growing up?

Or you were in the outfits? Yeah, as a young, you caught up in excitement. So you just basically told your family to go to hell? You're like, I don't. We didn't have a family. We didn't have a team. The Giants was my. You know, I wasn't going to be a San Francisco Giant fan.

No, no. That's too far. So I had to make a choice. And I'll give you this. If you picked the Yankees in 92, it was not a glamorous time. It wasn't glamour. Yeah. It wasn't glamour. You can't really call it a frontrunner at that point in time.

Nah, and then we, you know, I bloomed. And then it worked. It worked. It went pretty well, bro. You know, I got lucky. I'm a fucking Jets fan also. Yeah, I feel you on that. And I'm also a Knicks fan, so give me some goddamn glory.

Please, don't try and fucking take this from me. See, I'm through and through, man. I'm Mets, Jets, Knicks. I got nothing. I know, man. It's rough. Nothing. You think the Knicks are going to get Zion. I got nothing. I know, man. It's rough. Nothing. You think the Knicks are going to get Zion?

I don't know if I want Zion. Really? I love Zion. Don't overthink it. That's what I'm saying. Don't fucking overthink it. I mean, if we get the second pick, who are we taking? I hope John Moran.

There it is. There's the guy. You want him. I like him a lot. Yeah, I'm okay with either of them. I feel like he has more longevity just because he's a massive man. You know, that frame. There's never been a man that jumps like that at that frame.

LeBron is a totally different frame. He's not that compactly solid. And you're 300. He looks 300, but he looks like Ronnie Coleman. He's a big boy. He's a beast. Spinning like that and jumping like that is out of control. It's like action.

Gilbert Arenas was like... I'm like one of those people where if I just see one thing that's like a differing opinion, like the glass shatters for me really easily where it's like I had him in such high regard

but then Gilbert Arenas talked about it where he's like, he never had to learn to post up. What position is he going to play in the NBA? And I was like,

you're right. Zion sucks. Totally right. Gilbert Arenas knocked us out of the park. He's like that in between player you know he could play pretty much

anywhere now but in the NBA you need a defined role on these teams I mean you have you know there's some people emerging on the Knicks

so let's hope at least there's some emerging players defensively and we're looking decent just putting Zion there I don't think would help anything I mean it would make we're overthinking. Just putting Zion there, I don't think it would help anything.

I mean, it would make it. We're overthinking it, boys. It would make a massive splash. There's no doubt about it. It would change the whole thought process. But we're the Knicks, man. We're the Knicks. Something's going to go wrong. I love the Knicks.

Every time he turns an ankle or something, you're going to be holding your breath. That's what I mean. He just plays too much above the rim where he come down on someone's foot. That would happen to you in the kitchen? You broke that leg? You were playing above the rim?

I was playing above the rim, man. That's what I do. How do you break your leg in the kitchen? This is how it happened. I was making some food for my children. Oh, you were at home in the kitchen? No, this was in the kitchen at work. So I had them over there.

I was making food. My man, my Mexican homie, he was mopping the floor at the same time. Water, oil mixed on the floor from the day before, and I fucking took a spill. Yeah. It was bad, huh? It was rough, and it just broke, but it is what it is. It's a blessing now. And you just pick up a point?

Whatever a blessing is. Why is it a blessing now? Because, bro, you hit it. You learned how to rap, bro. I broke my leg and learned how to rap. No, I was doing it as a fucking hobby before, but it became serious I had nothing else at that point so I was like fuck it I'm going for it well so as you're like when you were doing it as a hobby was there a moment where you were like oh shit I'm I'm pretty good at this like I'm better than the average guy on the corner just trying to like fuck around it really hit me

it's not about me realizing it it's like my friends are very very crazy tough critics so if i sucked the first thing that they would love to do is demolish me with jokes those are your best friends man that didn't happen they were just like yo that shit's fire i can't believe this is crazy keep going keep going keep going and that gave me inspiration that gave me you know yeah if your friends are being nice to you, that means you're doing something. If my friends are being nice to me, I think I'd be like, no. If you were ever nice to me, I'd be like, this is uncomfortable. This isn't good.

Friendship over, man. It's over. If you're not ruthlessly mean to somebody, they ain't your friend. You know what I mean? So that gave me the juice. That gave me the juice to keep going for it. And then somebody in Australia gave me $1, keep going for it. And then somebody in Australia gave me $1,000 for a verse.

What the fuck is this? $1,000 in my hand? Okay. For wrapping some words. Let's keep this going. I think as I look down the list of all the shit you've done, I think I would have to say, if it was up to me, if I was in your shoes,

I would pick the smoke weed and talk about aliens all day with my friends career. That shit is... That's a tremendous career. I mean, that's a shining light of my life. Creating that situation for myself, I was like, whoa. That's a finesse.

You want to talk about, oh, I got a thousand dollars for rapping? How about I got dispaid for just talking about fucking ancient aliens while I smoked weed? But it wasn't even just, it was just like, that shit was astronomical. You are thinking about this? I love it. Like when you finally remember the best sex you've ever had, you're like, it was good. It's even better now because, yeah, I'm remembering some sort of sex.

I'm remembering all kinds of weird sex now, but it's not even, it's not doing it for me. Knowing that I can keep on doing that show does it for me. Yeah, man. For sure. That would be, I would do that until that well runs dry. I don't think that well will ever run dry in interest wise. No way. I mean, as long as aliens are out there, which they obviously are. Come on.

I mean, come on. You believe in aliens or you believe in ghosts? I believe in it all. It's not just about aliens. That's very elementary. It's just like when you start getting a little bit older, you're like, what the fuck is going on?

You know? You really start to assess what's happening and really think about what's going on and who the fuck are we and what all that is. Why are we here? All these things. And you see all this ancient history and you come across

all kinds of fucking mind-blowing things and you start doing more drugs, you know. Expand the horizons in many more ways. And then you start

becoming paranoid. You start fucking cutting yourself. I don't know about all that, man. You're crazy, man. This is what happens. One question we always have In one of our like

Video series we do is If you could choose any person Any celebrity To meet To be like the ambassador to aliens Who would you choose? Who do you think would be like The aliens would meet

And be like you know what He's pretty tight Prince Prince Are you saying Prince is alive still? He's alive in all of us. He's alive in our hearts. He's deep, man.

Yeah, well, listen. How about living? Somebody living. Oh, someone alive? Tangible on the planet right now. All right, tangibly, I'd say it'd have to be me. I was going to say you. I don't want to pander to the guest.

I don't like to pander either. You kind of fit the mold, you know? It's either me or... It's just you. Makai Pfeiffer. Why Makai Pfeiffer? Do tell. Nah, I just...

I fuck with him heavy. Yeah? I just think he'd be a good ambassador. What about anybody else from the rap game? Anybody else you respect on a level to do that? To... I mean, there's lots of respect, but I don't know about to that extent. Would you send Ghostface out there? Why would we want to send mean there's lots of respect but I don't know about to that extent would you send Ghostface out there

why would we want to send him there maybe if the aliens are being hostile that's that's fucking ridiculous bro I bet you think that's really cute right that you brought that up

nah Ghostface it's fucking stupid I was curious to think to hear your thoughts on the rest of the beef

in the rap game. No, there's no beef anywhere. Pusha and Drake? I don't know about nothing. No? All right. Nope. I feel you.

I get that. I don't like beef. Keep your nose clean out of it. I feel you. I keep my nose clean and dirty. What about the wrestling world? You want to dabble in that a little more? Nah.

I'd like to slam you through a fucking wall right now. I'm sorry, bro. Other than that, though, but I'm good. I didn't mean disrespect. I wanted to get your thoughts on it. It's not disrespectful, but I thought you'd get fucking wall right now. I'm sorry, bro. Other than that, though, but I'm good. I didn't mean disrespect. I wanted to just... It's not disrespectful, but I thought you'd get through a nice conversation. I hear you. I didn't mean to offend.

I just wanted to bring it up in case people wanted to hear your thoughts on it. You didn't. My fault. No beef, no problems. No, it's all good. What else? The book here is... There it is.

It's... Stone Beyond Belief, Outright Motherfucking Now. You got the recipes, but you're also telling stories kind of within it. else the book here is uh there it is it's it's stone beyond belief outright motherfucking now you got uh the recipes but you're also telling stories kind of within oh man i'm telling all kinds of stories like what would you say was like your favorite part you know when you i feel like when you when you start something like this you have one thing in mind that you want to make sure you hit upon you know like what's the one story or one part of it i don't think it was one story i think it was a plethora of stories that I wanted to hit upon. A full spectrum of what I'm about.

Okay. Was there anything that you, like, kind of unexpectedly, like, kind of ran into while you were doing this? I feel like a lot of things you do, like, this year. This was all smooth. Yeah? Like, you knew it from the jump? From the jump. This came straight from my heart.

You get a little stoned while you do it? Nah, I was totally straight when I did it. Really? No smoking whatsoever. I feel like you're messing with us. Really? You just fucking figured that one out? All right, dude.

Well, I think we'll just wrap it up then. I didn't mean to derail things, but I feel like you probably don't want to. You feel a little weird. All right. I mean, we can keep talking. I just feel like you were done with it now after I set up. I fucking was taking a shit at the studio right now. And then I came all the way over here for this shit.

To be honest with you, I already did the good one. Okay. You know what I mean? I didn't have to come here for this dumb shit. Alright, man. Alright. Well, appreciate you coming through anyway. No doubt. Thanks a lot. And that's that. That's the story of Action Bronson on KC Radio. Get the book. Buy the book. It's stoned beyond belief. Good one. That's the story of Action Bronson on KC Radio. Get the book.

Buy the book. It's stoned beyond belief. Good one. It's recipes and tales from Action Bronson. He wrote it sober and he didn't discover anything about himself in the midst of writing it. So also right as we were about to start this, Action finally spoke out on the issue. Because like I said, at this point, you can't ignore it. Like Hot New Hip Hop wrote about it.

Hip Hop Daily or some shit like that. Complex was blogging it. So at this point, you can't really even ignore it. And he said, in all caps, dudes will do anything for clicks and it's sad. The main purpose of me doing appearances is to promote my book that's it i have no beef with anybody and tried and uh and to try to stir things up for frat boy high fives and laughs deserves a slam through a wall that's it so um doing anything for clicks is such a fucking tired cliche dude it's like i i don't so one thing like we when we have guests it's usually one of us is more passionate about it than the other one.

And then that person kind of drives the interview. That person kind of handles the research. But this is what we're going to talk about. Correct. This was clearly your guy. I still really don't even know what him and Ghostface have to be about. Right. But I guess it's something about flow.

Not a rap guy. Okay. So this was Kevin's interview. Kevin did most of the research kevin did all of it but like you did research you knew you knew about the question yeah i mean let me yeah let me get into that because so there's a lot of people out there who just think that that was an overreaction and they're on my side um but then there are either action bronson fans or just like haters of me that are on his side and and there's a few main gripes that they're all putting out there.

One is that I should have done my research. You should have done your homework. I know about this beef. I wanted to talk about it. I think that might be my fault for why people are saying that. Because I did say I didn't know about it. Right, right, right. I personally didn't.

Right. So the reason why I want to talk about it and the reason why I think it was completely fair game is that it is just about rap. People said Action Bronson sounds like Ghostface Killer and is kind of biting his style. There's no, you know, you're hiding a secret baby. There's no talking about anybody's wife. It was just like hip hop. It was just rap music. Didn't turn violent.

It really, you know. Now, granted, Ghostface Killer put up, he made a YouTube video where he goes in on him and he says fucked up shit. He said, I want to like gut you like a pig or whatever. So it got like nasty, but it never, nobody died. Nobody got shot. It was not personal. Nobody, it was just about hip hop, which I think is very fucking interesting. And in the beginning, Action Bronson was very much like, hey, I think I'm my own rapper,

but if I'm going to be compared to someone, Ghostface is an all-time great. Good. And then Ghostface was very much like, this dude, he's on the scene. He's awesome. He can rap, too. Everybody was good. Then Action Bronson went on an ESPN show at one point, and they brought up the comparisons.

And it was all good again, but at the very end, he said something like, and hey, Ghostface ain't rapping like this anymore. Now, that's all it takes for Ghostface to go nuts. Does Ghostface still rap? Yeah, probably here and there. I mean, you know, he's not like, you know, putting out platinum albums anymore, for sure.

But that's, you know, that's like the extent of it. And then Action Bronson tweeted out like, you know, I shouldn't have said that. Like, we're all good. Let's be done with it. I think that that is fair game to talk about i don't think that that is uh like do not touch type of topic so uh i knew about it i i had asked coley before we went in the interview because i asked everybody that's yp i asked robbie fox anybody who listens to music anybody who knows any guests we're about to have on. I always say, hey, we're about to have X, Y, Z on anything you want me to ask him or anything, you know, just to get.

That's me doing my research by doing my homework. What if he knows something that I don't know? Or what if he knows a little nugget? Read a bunch of websites, read Wikipedia, read the social media and then say, like, oh, you're a fan of this person. What do you think? What do you think? What would you want to hear? That's how fucking research works because what i do is i want i want to ask the questions and get the interview to to whatever the what i think the fans want to hear and what

people are going to be interested in i'm going to ask those questions now we have many many times not brought up certain topics uh at the request of the guests like more often than not anytime you're doing press tours or whatever uh these guests have their purposes tell us, you cannot talk about my divorce. You cannot talk about my arrest. You cannot – whatever the topics may be. And 99.9% of the time, we do it anyway. I roll my eyes. I get very upset about this.

I feel like you guys are not as – you don't really care as much. It bothers me that people are like, you can't talk to me about this. I think that's bullshit. But that's the game. That's the rules. And we play by it. And I think maybe once or twice we've had someone say like, you can't talk about this. And it's like, well that's the only reason anybody would want to hear from you. So we're just not going to do it. More often than not

99% of the time, we do the interview anyway. And I ignore it or I try to finesse it to the point that we can kind of bring it up and maybe get them to speak on a little bit and we keep it moving. I thought that the way we handled this was totally fine.

There was no like do not talk about Ghostface. The way you heard the interview, I feel like the first 15 minutes, we were all good. I wasn't getting the vibe like this guy hates us so I'm not going to even bring this up. and he was joking he was clowning i i totally uh miscalibrated what kind of reaction he was going to have there but i was not doing it i didn't it's not that i didn't know the topic know the research i was not doing it like i'm gonna bait this guy and get a

shock value reaction we were talking about aliens. And that's the other thing. People were like, the way he said, oh, you snuck it in. And I saw somebody say, I ambushed him. What? You're in an interview. You can't be ambushed in an interview. That's like being your sucker punch. We were squared up.

Yes. We have sat down to have questions and answers. There is no ambushing. Now, somebody said, well, it should have been a formal question. That, I think he would have fucking hated. If it was like, now we are going to do the Ghostface Killer portion of the show. Tell me everything about that. What we do here is hypothetical questions.

And dumb banter where you take a silly topic and you try to take it more seriously. And you try to think outside the box and be a little creative with it. And one of the things we always do with these type of hypotheticals is you think about maybe what would you do with your enemy? You know what I mean?

One of the questions is you want to see two people in a cage match. Who would you pick? And one of the first things I thought was what if I put my worst enemy in there with Brock Lesnar? Literally, we just did it with Tom Segura on Answer the Internet.

His answer was literally Garth Brooks, what we were thinking he would have. Garth Brooks versus his fans. So Garth Brooks could kill them. So that's how I encourage people to talk about things. So in my mind, it was a topic that I didn't think was off the limits. It was a topic that I didn't think was off limits.

It was a topic that I think people are very interested here. And I weaved it into conversation the way we do KFC radio. If you're not familiar with our hypotheticals and shit, I guess maybe I could see where you thought I was trying to sneak it in. But that's how we do things. We ask like ridiculous questions about aliens. And I said, what would,

you know, what about if it was ghost face? I was hoping that he was going to, uh, open up about it. I was going to hear, you know, all these years later,

maybe are they on good terms? Are they not on good terms? Has there been any kind of talk? And then I was hoping that was going to lead to, or what do you think about other beef in the rap game? And Nipsey Hussle just died. Maybe he had some thoughts on that. I thought that was going to open up a whole,

uh, a whole part of the conversation. Or I thought he would just kind of laugh it off and be like, no, he'd be terrible for aliens, whatever. Or worst case scenario, I thought he was going to say, dude, I don't talk about that anymore. Like, next topic. And that would have been fine. I think that's how these kind of situations go.

You pose a question. If they're uncomfortable, we're not going to talk about it. I can keep it moving. He went with option four, which was like to blow up. I'm okay with that too, though. Like if I didn't realize he was going to react that way. But if that's your reaction, I'm happy he was real about it. Like, fuck you.

I want to slam you through a table, through a wall. Okay, cool. Like we're never. All right. Come on, guy. That was to me the funniest part is, I mean, I'm sure it's very, very obvious when you hear it, but I wish you all could have been inside my head when I was just like scrambling to come up with something. What I should have done was just end the interview. I mean, I realized looking back, that interview was done the moment he said that. I also wish

that I was a little less apologetic in my my head, this to me is a classic, you're in the shower the next day, replaying it in your head. I should have said this, the jerk store called, they want you back. I've always thought in my head, if I ever have a blow up like that in my interview, how am I going to handle it?

And I always thought to myself, I want to lean into it. I want to go back over the top with it. I'm going to be tough. I'm going to stay on my ground. We're going to get more content out of it. I don't want to like lean into it i want to go back over the top with it i'm going to be tough i'm going to stay on my ground we're going to get more content out of it i don't want to back down and uh what i did was go and i apologized but also hey as real as as his reaction was to the question that was my real reaction to him blowing up it was like i didn't want this to happen and i was not looking for i wasn't looking that. I didn't want to bait anybody. I'm not doing this just for clicks. Sorry that it went that way. My bad. But, uh, but, but then

trying to, I was like, okay, well, he, he, he wants to talk about the book. So I know that he didn't want to, and he was not even interested in that. And I was like, and I, I, I do actually want, I do think those were questions that were on my brain. Like, was there one goal you want to accomplish with the book? And was there something that you found throughout writing it that was different? And then I then I literally looked at the cover and I saw him smoking four blunts. And I was like, were you smoking when you wrote it? I wrote it.

Whatever. So that was me scrambling at my finest. You were really scrambling it was awesome it was and i was like i'd already drowned yeah so i was like just come down with me yeah i was like bro just give it up you know i see you're dry there's nothing for you up there don't worry about it just take the gulp like let it fill your lungs be done with it man i uh i loved how he ended it where he goes, he's like,

I already came in. He's like, I didn't have to, he's like, he's like, I was in the studio taking a shit and I already came up here to do the good one. I did this for you guys.

And I was like, okay, first of all, it was like the fourth, like he had canceled like four times. Yes. Second of all, I did not request action Bronson.

You didn't do that for me. Right. You did not do that for me. I was, that was, you know, you were just along for the ride. You were promoting a book. Yeah You didn't do that for me. Right. You did not do that for me. I was, that was, you know. You were just along for the ride. You were promoting a book. Yeah.

That's why you did it for me. Right. Third of all, I know you had a stomachache. Action Bronson has had a stomachache since he was four years old. Like, that's, like. You just, that's it. Don't be like, I got a stomachache and I'm still here. Like, you know how to live with a stomachache, dude. I know how to live with a hangover.

You know how to live with a stomachache. You've had a stomachache 24-7, 365. We push through these things. Don't, like, like this is this is part of our lives really like when i when i don't have a stomach ache it's like oh this is a good day yeah every other day is a regular it's like when people say they have a headache it's like my head always hurts and always will hurt and i'll let it stop me from doing anything because then i would do nothing i'm a disabled person really and i've learned to live with my disability it is funny to think about him.

He was having some sort of stomach issues, and he's just sitting on the bowl being like, all right, I've got to go to this interview. Fuck, but I'm pooping. Yeah, this is a real inconvenience. But then he ended it with, he's like, I already came to do the good show, referring to part of my take.

And that was, first of all, part of my take is an awesome show. Oh, yeah. 100%. But it was like, it felt like as he was leaving awesome show oh yeah 100 and uh but it was like it felt like as he was leaving like uh oh yeah but by the way your dick wasn't even that big yeah definitely i know my dick's adequate right we're doing all right man don't worry like there's a reason why you did get up off the bowl while you were shitting to come here it's good enough for

that man or you know is it pardon my dick nobody is. But you were here for a reason. It's one of the biggest shows on one of the biggest networks in the world. We're fine. We're doing all right. Don't you worry about me. It was like, I saw as he was exiting, I was like, dude, yeah, we're not Game of Thrones, but we're still doing, we're still on HBO. Don't worry about us.

I also, when the door opened, oh, so afterwards, he said to me, give me one good reason why you would ask that question. And I was like, because I think rap fans are very interested in rap feuds. No, there is no good reason. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know. You asked me the question. I gave the answer.

We're not going to see eye to eye on this one. I love that I called my dad last night. I was just telling him about it. And he had the funniest response, I guess, where he was like, whoa, rap? I got one for you. I listened to this week in Biggie Hypnotize. It was like I told my dad I like food, and he's like, wait till you hear about pizza.

I was like, yeah, man, I got that one. Biggie, first of all, what's your pops doing just on the weekend, bumping Hypnotize? He was out skiing. He's out on his dad weekends with his buddies? Yeah, which he's been on for about six months now. He's been limping. He's like, yeah, I'm in Montana this weekend skiing. I'm months now. He's the Limp. He's the Limp. He's the Captain of Montana, so we can see him again.

But he was listening to Biggie and Tupac. Did he say Tupac? He said Tupac, yeah. Love it. I was like, man. I love it. I've heard of him, Dad. So when I went home that afternoon, my family was at my apartment.

They came over to see the kids. So I knew that my mom and dad were there and i actually started to film a video i ended up deleting it because it wasn't funny but i i had as i'm walking up the steps of my apartment i was filming myself and i was like all right so my mom's in my apartment right now and like she pretty much hates my job and she doesn't understand it and she really it makes her nervous and i'm gonna tell her that like a very big rapper threatened to like kill me and we're gonna see what her reaction was and i expected her to be like, Jesus,

Mary and Joseph, like, you know, the usual unfazed. She was like, really? I don't know. What'd you say?

And I told her and she was like, huh? Yikes. So Shay's like, I was like, that's it. Wow. I was like,

I really have broken you. Like several years ago, you would have been scared or you would have been like, Oh, fuck that guy or whatever. She was just like, OK, another day at the office here. Who cares? But and then as action left the studio, the door opened and he said, what a weirdo.

That was funny. I was like, but but you're the weirdo. You won't call me an asshole or whatever. I don't know. Weird. I just ask the question. You know, like and you motherfuckers. This so action. He turns to my brother Puts his hand out

Nice to meet you Turns to Feidelberg Shakes his hand All while very Not by accident What's the fucking word? Intentionally Intentionally

Keeping his back to me And you guys Oh nice to meet you man Band of brothers Fucking watch it one time You assholes Yeah people were saying that They were like

I think fights would have stopped him Before he got to Kevin I was like What are you Fights would have been like Stopped him saying that. I think fights would have stopped him before he got to Kevin. Fights would have been like, Stop them? I'd have fucking encouraged him. He's great for this show. Honestly, I do think... Get him through that wall.

Pick him up. Do it again. Let me help. I'll get the other leg. All in all, it was a fun moment. I do not like to fuck with Albanians. I very sincerely mean that. So I I'm OK with deading this beef action, much like you and Ghostface. Like, I don't want any problems.

But it was it's it was a fun moment to be a part of just because, like I said, we I don't think anybody's ever had. I mean, have you ever I don think dave has had a moment where like someone came in as a friend to talk and stormed out like fuck you no i don't i meant that i can recall yeah so which is interesting you would think that would happen more often but i think it's a testament to how we usually like can gauge the room and understand who's what i just i think if you listen to the beginning of that interview and you think about how much he sounded like he was busting balls and fucking around. I was making fun of him about the Mets and Yankees. We were kind of giving it back and forth.

I did not anticipate a huge overreaction like that. So it was fun to be part of. I find that stuff interesting in and of itself. Just like, there's, there's, if I, if I was going on an interview and people were like, do you have any no topics? We're like, no. We did the AMA here. Anything you and people were like, do you have any no topics? We're like, no. Well, that's the other thing, too. We did the AMA. They're like, do you have anything you want us to, like, not allow?

I'm like, no. Like, there's fucking nothing. You can ask me whatever you want. And maybe, actually, I don't think I have anything where I'd be like, ah, not right now. I have a pretty boring life. So I'm good. But, like, even if I had something, I don't think there's anything that could get me that mad. Yeah.

I guess maybe if someone threatened my life. And then I was like, well, I don't want to piss him off could get me that mad. Yeah. I guess maybe if someone threatened my life, I don't want to piss him off again. But I've never found myself in that situation. Someone had said to me, you know, if Action had responded and asked you about your affair, you would have done the same. Like, bro, I let my coworkers fucking write raps about my affair. I let Dave

call me a fucking scumbag and talk about it on the radio like the only thing that i have ever had off limits is just talking about other people who were involved if it's me i mean i just would never tell someone they can and cannot talk to me so that that part is just not true if you said well you would have had the same reaction if he talked about something you don't like i talk about it how can you possibly say how can someone in there right brian fucking say that we've talked about it a million times. A million times. Ad noisier.

And if there's something new, I just would never The only reason to say I'm not talking about that right now is because it's boring. It's been beaten to death. There's no feelings involved. It's just boring to talk about. But I've never had a do not talk about list, so that just, I'm never going to

quite understand that. I'm sure the whole point of not wanting to talk about it is would i've never had a do not talk about list so that just i'm never going to quite understand that and and like i'm sure the whole point of not wanting to talk about it it's like not making it a thing uh you made it a thing bro but cool moment it was fun it got the juices flowing a little bit i i do kind of wish there was well in the moment i wish that maybe he threw me through a wall going forward i don't want to be thrown through a wall. I don't want any sort of problems. But in that moment, it would have been cool. But it's all love action, Bronson. What do you want to do, The Office?

We also have Thomas Lennon at the end of the show. You know him from Reno 911 and a bunch of other things, as well as he's got this new book coming out where they say he might be the next Harry Potter. Right. Which is pretty decent. Did he? I forget because I didn't read it a little while ago. Did he commit to giving me some money if he makes that JK Rowling money? Flash dancers money.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Okay, yeah. He said that if he makes the next Harry Potter, that fights can have some Flash dancers dollars for some lap dances. Pretty solid. Better than nothing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I am working my way

to getting a lot of money. I've been asking people recently. Can I have some money? Works out. Is it working? Yeah, I got some money coming. Some IOUs? Yeah.

You're like a dumb and dumber. $250,000. You might want to keep hanging on that one. Which is shit, man. It's not strip club money, but whatever. We got voicemails to get to,

but also, first, everyone's favorite new KFC Radio segment. It's The Office, delivered to you by Postmates. I got my Postmates fucking note. Yeah, we got Postmates swag. You want to talk about research, motherfuckers? This is a new notebook. So that one's not. All the research

in this bitch. Yeah, man. I'll be taking my notes on Postmates. I got Postmates t-shirts and a Postmates tote bag. Yesterday, I- Some things I don't even- I'm looking through my research. I don't even know what some of these things are about. The title of this page is just Indie Bug Spray.

And the next one's Seth Rogen. You know what? You can get bug spray. Get it delivered on Postmates. You sure can. Last night, I got a garden salad with extra ginger dressing. I got a pint of it because I love that ginger dressing so much. I got a Philadelphia roll without the rice.

So it was just wrapped in seaweed. It was basically, I just ate cream cheese and seaweed. And I got a steak teriyaki filet mignon. And that was my dinner last night. This is polite and order. Delivered by Postmates. They delivered. See, the thing is, Postmates, they don't just deliver you food.

They don't just deliver you groceries. Deliver you happiness. I was just going to say that. I know you are. They deliver you happiness. They deliver you convenience. They deliver you peace of mind, ease of life. Postmates will change your life for the better.

And it will cost you nothing right now in delivery fees when you sign up at Postmates and use the promo code KFC at checkout. Sign up with a new name, make your order, whatever it is, from any of the 25,000 merchants they have. And you use the code KFC at checkout and you'll get $100 off your delivery charges for the next seven days. They'll get delivered to you within the hour, 24-7, 365. And right now, for the next week, it will be delivered for free when you use the promo code KFC. Postmates, get involved. The Office is brought to you by the people at Barstool Sports. John goes around the office. He asks everybody sitting at their desks for any topic that comes to their brain.

It's usually a very easy game to participate in. Frankie Borelli froze. I mean, I've never seen a topic. He Chucknoblocked it more than anyone I've ever seen in my life. He said, say a word, Frankie. Couldn't. Froze. Panicked.

He's like, I'm getting hot. I'm getting hot. Yeah, he said, he was like, I'm sweating. I'm like, say sweating. Talk about sweating. Say whatever you want, man. I do believe he ended up with something on the list, but we'll start with everyone who was able to participate. give me number five i feel like i always pick like a bat like a ridiculous one

first uh this one this one actually in the list of our topics we've done thus far i think this one's not a good one because i think it's already been done really it's ZA it's train simulators yeah I mean ZA being a conductor I do we do need to find out if he's gonna go on on like a real train I feel like that can't be allowed you just I've seen too many train movies I saw Taking a Pellet 1 2 3 right I saw uh the one with the rocket yeah Jason Statham or whatever. Oh, yeah. Denzel and Chris Pine. Yeah. We were just throwing out.

There's a lot of train poofies. Yeah. But I definitely think it's like, you know, you can't just like hop in the cockpit of a plane, you know? I feel like back in the day, you could. You could. Oh, I remember going down to Disney once just riding shots. In the air?

Yeah. Wow. I think. I was really young. I just wanted the wings the way we took off those wings were so cool do trains have wings no do trains have wings well i'm a huge train fly i you might as well call me joe biden like i love i i meant i meant like their own form of wings i didn't mean actual wings i knew trains didn't have oh it's sincerely i've ridden a

train or two in my day i haven't seen seen the movies. But I'm a train guy. I wouldn't ride. What's the point of sitting back there? It's the same thing. When you can just sit in a regular seat and drink. Remember when you didn't know that trains had barcars? Yeah. I think that's a fair thing to not know.

Kevin wouldn't want to go to Boston because he's like, you can get a beer at the airport. You can get a million fucking beers on the train. I think that's a fair thing to not know. I disagree. Because also, sometimes I feel like those barcars are not functioning anymore. Sometimes you walk through them and they're just empty. I think you're making this up.

That's Metro North. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Not Metro North. They have decommissioned barcars. They just don't work anymore. So I thought, listen, it's entirely possible that age they like shut down they shut down all sorts of fun nothing's allowed anymore surprised you can even sell food

except African midgets riding in shotguns choo choo give me number two these ones give me number one no this was Frankie's so Frankie finally after panicking, came up with how do trees supply oxygen?

And I have an answer for you. I have no fucking clue. Yeah, I don't know, Frankie. Why didn't you ask us to decide? And I wish he didn't give an answer. Because they asked me to explain tectonic plates. Frankie, I don't fucking know, man. I don't know science. I don't like explain ask me to explain tectonic plates yeah i don't fucking know man i don't know science i don't know anything like the quadratic equation and how it relates

to like aerodynamic flight i don't fucking know frankie but i will say do you know what i don't get it one time i had to do a science project oh no it was a math project and me and my buddy it was like this it was supposed to take the entire semester. You're supposed to be compiling and working on this thing the whole fucking time. And we didn't. Like other people did on a project. Like other people did. Like they measured the lights in Newport and gauged on how the traffic worked. And it was like I didn't even understand. understand how old we were seniors in high school.

And it was like, like people like really put work into it. And the day before me and my buddy, he was like a really good sailor. And he just, I didn't say anything the entire presentation. He just described how sailing works, like how wind pushes sails and the teacher it was

straight up it was a uh happy gilmore moment i'm sorry not happy gilmore billy madison billy madison teacher was like that's not even math you're just describing science this is your this is this is your full fucking great this is what% your grade. And you just did a science project that you clearly are just describing how sails boats, like how wind exists. She was baffled. Absolutely baffled. I did a project once. We played our way into a C-. Hey, whatever.

I did a project once in eighth grade. It was about bridges. And it was like earth science. So I don't know. It was about like suspension and all that kind of shit. And the project, it was almost like the duct tape thing with Hank. It was sort of like you have parameters that make it difficult. You have to make a bridge that can like a model bridge that can hold like a certain amount of weight or whatever like that.

We just completely disregarded everything. And we got like two by fours out. We made like a huge fucking bridge. We got like metal like chains because mys out we made like a huge fucking bridge we got like metal like chains because my buddy's neighbor was like a fucking architect and he just built us like a bomb ass fucking bridge that like we could stand on we were like hopping on this thing it was everyone else came in with like popsicle sticks like newspaper and we came in with like a goddamn you could drive a car over this bridge if you need yes and we were like what the fuck is up and everyone was like that's a bomb ass bridge i think we like

failed it i think it was like well you didn't listen to any of the rules you broke every single fucking rule it was like uh i don't know it's a cool fucking bridge though dude i got i've i've i've failed a good amount of science projects in my day one of them i i'm still bitter about this i i think i described this one on radio. I invented the fix for football. What? About the catch rule. Oh, yeah?

I was in like third grade. I remember I did it really fast because I had to finish it. My dad was making me finish it before I could go to the Bruins game. So I was like, I recognize the problem. In elementary school, I said, look, they're not going to know know how to catch there's an easier way to describe what a catch is and so I got a fucking operation board you know the game Operation

and I wrapped it in green felt and I painted the felt like a football field and I put the you did this I put the metal piece over like on almost on one of the buzzer noises. Okay. And then my demonstration was I would throw a football, and it would hit the ground, and it would knock the other thing.

And I got an F on that. I still don't know why. That seems like a great fucking idea. Tennis employs that technology now, where tennis will tell you if the ball was out or not. I don't know why I feel like... I got an F. Mrs. Manchester, what the fuck was that? I still don't know why.

I got an F. Maybe I did it late. No, I didn't do it late. Maybe I did it late. I got a... I think I got like a... Let's say like a D plus on a project with Mrs. Tannenbaum. Fuck Mrs. Tannenbaum.

Fuck Mrs. Tannenbaum. This Mrs. Tannenbaum. Fuck Mrs. Tannenbaum. This woman was straight up a piece of shit. She's got to be dead by now, and I hope she is, and I hope it was painful and slow. This bitch sucked. Everybody, the rhyme was, there's an A-bomb and a B-bomb, but there's nothing like the T-bomb,

because everyone hated this fucking cunt. She was a C bomb, and I don't call people cunts. Mrs. Tannenbaum from Valley Forge Elementary was a fucking cunt. Everybody hated her. She was well known as just evil, and we were doing like an Oregon Trail type of project. We were reading some shit about going out west,

and we made a fucking covered wagon, okay? We made a wagon, and I made a fucking covered wagon, okay? We made a wagon, and I made, like, a diary that was supposed to be, like, day one on the trail, right? And we took, you know, we, because it was me and my mom, it was in fourth grade, we took, like, a lighter, and we burnt the edges of the paper to make it look like it was old school.

So we had a journal of traveling west, and we had a covered fucking wagon and we used the people were like little weebles you know like you know there's that one's weebles weebles wobbles you know so it was just a plastic like person and she was like no like you that you didn't you know you just bought a person you know you didn't like work on it i was like bitch i burned paper to make a journal and the whole wagon was homemade but you're just sending it back what were you supposed to make like corn people yeah like yeah we're supposed to like everything was supposed to be homemade she was like wouldn't even i got

like a like no grade she like gave it and then one time i wrote a paper or you know paper like a book report or something like that and i got like a d plus and we brought it home and my mom my parents were like fuck mrs tannenbaum sick of this bitch they wrote it the grade got worse it went down to like a d minus it was written by like a 40 year old adult at the time fuck mrs tannenbaum I had a very similar thing when I was in first grade I had to do a not a book report but a project uh you know how you get those three the fucking things that unfolded, whatever, the poster boards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I had to do, you know, one of those things where I made one of those for orangutans. Okay. And it was all about orangutans and just, I don't know, whatever the fuck orangutans do. Right? And. I would have just done a project on, is it orangutan? Is it orangutan?

Is it you orangutan? That would have been my project. Continue. The, but my dad drew the orangutan. My it orangutan? Is it you orangutan? That would be my project. Continue. But my dad drew the orangutan. My dad's a good artist. And he drew like two orangutans and put it at the top. And she failed me because I was plagiarizing art.

I was like, I wasn't trying to pretend that was me. I'm in first grade. I can't fucking draw like that. And my dad was bullshit. He's like, are you fucking kidding me? I can't help my first grade son at his fucking science project? Are you nuts? They're six, dude. They can barely shit in the toilet,

and you're going to have them draw pictures of orangutans? Of course the parents are doing it. I wasn't like, and I drew this. It was like, my dad helped me on this. He did what? What do you mean? Parents help their kids at least through elementary school. Everybody's cheating.

Come on. Remember when I submitted your paper? Remember you wrote that short story? You wrote the short story once that was like, we got to find that thing. It was like a short story about like a homeless guy. You remember this? You wrote it. It was like we gotta find that thing it was like it was some it was like a short story about like a homeless guy you remember this he wrote it it was like deep it was like a really fucking good story it was like a

sad story about this homeless man like trying to like survive and then I just straight up jacked it and submitted it and I got nominated for like like Westchester Young Writers Association I like almost won a county wide award you're allowed to submit stuff that your family wrote.

It's a team. We're all a team. I wrote seven of my friends' college essays. You getting paid? No. You should have. I was like, yo, I got to go to college. I got you.

Mom did, like, 90% of my college applications. She did everything. She would get out the Play-Doh. My mom was a fucking wizard That wasn't for college though No not for college That was for elementary school But like she made

Plate tectonics Oh you know what I did a sick Play-Doh one I don't know how I think I did This science project either But by the way All these science projects

Are fucking awesome I had to make like Mitochondria Oh yeah And I got I hardened Play-Doh To shape like cells And I filled it with hair gel.

So, and then I put, like, other, like, stuff in between, and I wrapped it in plastic wrap. Great. In saran wrap. Yeah. I don't think I did good on that one, either. No, that sounds fire. One time, for Spanish class, we had to make some food, Spanish dishes, and I chose, it was, like, Spanish hot chocolate.

And it was basically just hot chocolate. I think there was, like, some sort of Spanish spice in it. And I put it in a thermos of sort to keep it warm. And then in my dumb brain, I was like, well, it's hot chocolate. I can't put it in the fridge.

So I just left it out like overnight and then brought it to class. And she poured it out and like took a sip of it. And she was like, Oh, I don't think you like follow the instructions. And I was like, I mean, there's only like two instructions. It was like milk and like chocolate powder. And like, I don't know, some Spanish of it and she was like oh i don't think you like follow the instructions and i was like i mean there's only like two instructions it was like milk and like chocolate powder and like i don't know some spanish spice and she was like this tastes like really bad i

think you did something wrong and i was like i don't know bitch like it is what it is and she was like it tastes like it's maybe like spoiled is this old milk and i was like no she's like did you leave it out i was like absolutely not fuck. I just had the whole class drinking fucking rotten milk. Spanish class. Mrs. What was her name? Junior year. Mrs.

Snyder. I had you drinking spoiled milk, bitch. We were great students, huh? That's how you end up a fucking blogger. Yeah, we just explained like six to eight science projects. We failed awfully. We bombed awfully. Let's try to salvage the office here today.

We'll do one more before voicemails. Yeah. Six. Oh, close. Seven. Seven it is. You tell me, John. What are we doing? Well, the, I mean, six was Gina Auriemma.

How? That was interesting because Liz just found out about him. Liz just learned who Gina Auriemma is. That was Liz's topic. Oh, wait, no, it was Gina Auriemma. How? That was interesting because Liz just found out about him. Liz just learned who Gina Auriemma is. That was Liz's topic. Oh, wait, no, it was Devlin's topic. But the last one is seven is the Black Plague. Oh. That's from Glennie.

Glennie gives heaters. He's a historian, huh? Yeah. The Civil War to the Black Plague. Black Plague wiped out what? Like one third of the whole world? Yeah. Well, that's what I was. It was an outrageous amount of people yeah it was bad news bro it was i think it was it's a couple hundred million people

it was it just went it was from iraq right it's just i think that's how it started from iraq can you imagine though like thinking about the like you're living in the Black Plague and back then, like anything was terrifying. You know, sneeze was terrifying. Like that. You must think that's some real that's God. Oh, yeah. Like God is killing us all right now. I don't blame anybody.

Like, you know, back in the day, the first time there was like a tsunami, they were like, yeah, this was God wiped us out. God was very mad at us. He just got us all sick and killed us. It's the end of the world. You don't know how you get sick. You are shitting in buckets and throwing them out your window, and you're like, this is fine. So you have no idea how you're getting sick. You just think that's what just happens.

Yeah, you poop in the bucket, put it in the street, and everyone's going to be fine. Apparently a couple hundred million people will die. Maybe some rats will eat that shit, then bite you and you will die. All of the circle of life. Circle of death. We need a blight. We need a plague. We need a black death.

You think so? Well, yeah, we do. We got to thin the herd here, bro. We got to wipe out a couple hundred mil. We talk about this a lot and we always get we get dangerously close to genocide. Very close. Super close. But I think I think if it's just, what if

we just did the Black Plague again? What if we got a rat? I mean, you ever see, what was that movie? Dante's Inferno, I think it was? It was the Da Vinci Code guy. Yeah, Inferno with Ben Foster. Ben Foster's the bad guy. And I'll tell you, that was another one. That movie starts off and you're like, making a lot of sense. A lot of sense.

I didn't see the movie, but I did read the book. Oh, wow. And I remember being like, this guy is not the bad guy yeah you these not coming off how you think he's coming off yeah you're having him yell to make him seem crazy he's just yelling smart things yeah i think we should just wipe out like a confidence or two no i can't do that that's genocide it is but what if we draw straws? What if at the UN we make it fair? And it's like, oh, India and North America drew the short end. Blow them up. Yeah, but if it was us?

We'd be like, well, I was going to say, we'll rig it. It's not going to be the rich white people, I'll tell you that much. And I'll tell you this much, Africa and India are going to be in some trouble. I looked this up when Infinity War came out. When do you think the U.S. population was half of what it currently is? What time period would we be set back to? Not long. We're at 8 million now?

I bet you we're at 4 billion. No, we're not at 8 million. Oh, you said billion. But that's the world. You said America. Let's say we're at 400 million now. Something like that. When we're at 200?

1990. No. Further back. I was at 200? 1990. No. Further back. I was going to say 64. 75. We're growing at a fucking alarming rate here, folks. 1975, we doubled up. And then you double up, you're going to quadruple up because it's, you know.

Yeah, stop having sex, man. You got to get to have a sex with me. Definitely. Definitely. I'm going to look into that right now. I'm going to do my part. You guys should too. Let's do our voicemails. They are brought to look into that right now. I'm going to do my part. You guys should too. Let's do our voicemails.

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First voicemail, what do we got? Hi, guys. I don't know how to say this, so I think I'm just going to come out and say it. But my friend just told me that she had sex with a guy that wore his AirPods in the whole time while they had sex with a guy that wore his AirPods in the whole time while they had sex and when she asked

him why he said don't worry about it and she tried to shake him out and he said no and she doesn't think it's weird she asked him if it was hot so I just wanted to get her thoughts on this and if you think it's weird okay thanks

she thought it was hot. Okay. I mean, that's, that's, that's really committing to meme life. Yeah. You're all about that air pod life.

No, you know what that is too? That's, that's, uh, me. Maybe he heard the story about Leo. You know that story?

Oh yeah. Yeah. Who told us that? Uh, the internet. Oh, the internet. I thought someone told us that in an interview.

Uh, yes, but it turned out a girl from e-news morgan we got to get her in here by the way she's awesome uh she she told the story on e-news which is crazy i don't think you could say this stuff on e-news leo only fucks chicks from behind wearing his i think he actually had just headphones not even airpods i'm sure he's upgraded at this point he listens to music and fucks girls doggy style and that's it it's like literally a business transaction like i just need to empty my nuts into a girl you are the person not even into a girl just into like a butt yeah you know one of

those little like flesh things you can buy yeah yeah uh and he just keeps the music in i would love to know what his playlist is. The Leo fuck list. I might have to just make my own playlist on Spotify guessing what he's listening to. I bet he listens to some weird shit. You wouldn't know how to find it. You know what popped into my head?

That African bamboo music. That's exactly what I was thinking of. That's exactly what I was thinking of. We're on the same wave today. Yeah. I was like, finishing each other's sentences. I was thinking about Jason Manzoukas,

the music he listens to. Yeah. Right. That's exactly what he fucks to. I, I mean, you know what? I've had sex.

We both agree on that. Wait, what? I've had sex to that music once before in college. It was, well, actually, to be fair,

I didn't have sex to it. The girl put it on and said, this is the best music ever to fuck to. And I said, let's go to my room. And it was just like... She was like a real hippie shit. She had tapestries hanging in her room. I think I've told at least parts of the story before. We were in the shower and I was like soaping her.

Remember that? It was like, she was like She was a Vermont girl. She was like, we were walking upstairs and she was asking how often I shower and I was like, that's a weird question. That must mean you don't shower. So I was like, let's get in the shower. We gotta clean you up. Yeah. She walked across campus in just

a sheet because she'd already gotten naked by the time she put that song on. What? So she just walked across campus. So she was like ready to fuck in her room and you were like, let's go to my room. Her room was so weird. It was like exactly the kind of room you'd think would have that. I was just,

I was uncomfortable. And then rather than put some clothes on, she was just like, let's just go naked. She was just like wrapping a sheet. I was still fully clothed. She got those clothes off like fucking Bruce Almighty.

But I was like, I'm just still dressed. Let's go. It was winter. It was winter in Vermont. It was time to put on clothes. That means that this little bitty bop was down. She was just thinking about that D.

By the way, it never ended up really happening. But if you did, you could imagine how awesome it was. Speaking of sheets, shout out to Conor McGregor with that tweet last night. Your wife's a blanket mate. All time caption. and the picture of sitting at like the the main

table of his wedding i mean i understand yeah like i understand other cultures i get it i know like burkas and all there's all sorts of that's not even a burka yeah like that doesn't mean like i don't that was literally a blanket yeah like. There was no eye holes. I'm sure people will get mad. I'm sure it's offensive. No doubt. It's also fucking funny. It's so fucking funny.

There was no eye slits. It wasn't sheer so you could see through it. That girl just had a white curtain on her. It was like a thick-ass fucking tapestry hanging on her. Your wife's a blanket, mate. When I dressed up as a ghost as a child, I could still see through more. Well, anyway,

I think, you know, Leo can do these things. Regular people can't. But hey, if she thinks it's hot, power to you, man. What is... What is hot about this? I mean, this is the epitome of like, this guy doesn't give a fuck. He's so cool

girls are just they can't fight it they can't resist who like it's human nature most impressive part of me is that he said no in bed yeah usually it's like anything you could say you could tell me anything if i'm hey hey we're getting married okay yeah sure sure sounds great love it as long as i continue to put it in. You want to take my... Maybe he's retarded? Brendan really cringed on that one. I mean, I'm thinking...

Maybe he's retarded? I'm thinking something about Mary. Yeah. Maybe he can't take his headphones off. Right. But the AirPods are different. I don't know. Maybe it's just the way...

Oh, maybe. Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe this guy's not cool at all maybe he has like motivational talk going on in his head or maybe it's like some sort of like you know maybe it's the fucking Yankees lineup being listed

I get so mad about that because baseball just makes me calm now you're on a hot streak right now let it flow baby it is like it's beaten into you at such a young age you're like oh just say baseball lineup right you know what it's like now you just associate it with coming you know if i'm like man oh shit when i'm in when i was if i smell febreze like linen it makes me think of shit and like a and a crappy dorm room like i used to spray like oh my dorm

was disgusting so i would spray Febreze. But now, so when I smell that linen smell, it makes me think of disgusting shit. So when you're thinking of baseball, baseball is now just forever connected with coming. Even though it's supposed to prevent you, it's baseball coming, baseball coming. Baseball lineups and ejaculation are really two pieces of odd.

One and the same. But maybe it's somebody in the ears being like, you are good enough. You are going to succeed. You're not going to come. You're going to last. Maybe he's like, no, I can't take it out or I'm going to come. So what?

So fucking come, dude. Stop being a little pussy and just come, girl. I don't know. I need to hear from him. Please, girls, find out who this guy is. Send him this. Tell him to call. I need to know what you're listening to and why you can't take him off.

Hey, what's up, John, Kevin? So I need some advice. I was dating this guy, and he was really great. We went on some cool dates. He got me Hamilton tickets for my birthday, which isn't super cheap. I met his parents. He met my parents. But then he kind of went crazy on me about how I wouldn't

commit to him and to an actual relationship. So I called it quits. Focused on myself or whatever. Some bullshit. But then tonight, my identical twin tells me they've been talking and want to give their relationship a go. Does this mean I have to kill my twin sister?

So wait, this girl is, she's got the identical twin. She's, and the twin is, she broke up with a guy and she gets a message from her twin that says we're going to start dating now. Boy, you'd have to think there's some sort of twin code, right?

Like, there's guy code, there's like regular sibling code, and then I think there's got to be twin code, which is even a step further. Oh, although maybe it's the opposite. Like, I think a regular sibling, like, you can't do this. I think... But maybe twins are so weird that they're like, well, now I have to

fuck them. You don't have to dress the same, you don't have to act the same, but it's like, well, now I have to fuck them. You don't have to dress the same and act the same, but it's like, well, now I have to fuck them. I think yes, there is that code, but I also think it's way crazier on this guy. Like, dude, you're a psychopath. What do you mean? I can definitely see where he's coming from.

What, you want him to keep fucking the same girl? Well, I think there's a novelty to like, I fucked the twins. I don't know if I would engage in it because I think it's a little crazy, but I can definitely see I'm doing it for the story. But you're getting in a relationship. That's a little weird. Yeah, you want to have that.

I think she says something about how the original girl wouldn't commit. So he just wants this object. Right. No, I'm with this guy. It's like, no, I think he just wants, like, someone that looks like that and just is shifting to the other person. You don't think that's crazy? I think that this guy wanted this girl, wanted to date her.

She wouldn't commit. And he's like, well, I got another one. Yeah, I guess if you've ever had unrequited love, it sucks. You're like,

I want this person and they don't want me. And now I need to go find someone else that checks all my boxes. Well, there happens to exist a fucking clone and maybe this one will like me. I'm all, I'm totally team this guy. If you did this, I would stop talking to you again. I, I, it's crazy, but I get it. I don't think I get it because I think, I think I am more concerned with finding love is the concern that people will think I'm weird.

I'll die alone as long as people aren't like, God, by the way, what a fucking- The twin fucker. What kind of weird relationship is that? Yeah. That's really- It's much better to be alone than to have people talking behind your back and being like, what the fuck is the deal with that relationship? Because everyone knows people in that relationship. I know.

Not this one, but the weird one. We're like, how the fuck did they get together, by the way? What is wrong? How do they enjoy each other's company? They have to know in the back of their mind that what they're doing is just psychotic shit, right? That's all. You don't get invited to parties because, look, if we invite them to the party, then we're not going to be able to talk shit about them.

Your whole social life is gone because you had to fuck this twin. I would much rather just be like, look, I get everything you're saying. I'm going to keep hanging out with my friends and no one's going to be at my funeral but that's fine. It's whatever. I'll never find love. I'll know these girls are out there but I'm just not going to

I just, you know. Or, you know what else? It could just be a plot to get the original girl. Cause I would imagine twins are like a little competitive where it's like, Oh, well you can't have them. So I'll marry him.

I'm going to fucking marry this guy. Maybe it's like a bluff, you know? It's like a, just a, it's a, it's hard. It's hard ball negotiating.

I think, Oh yeah. You don't want to commit to me. I'm going to marry your twin. Once you start talking same, same gene pools, I think you just, you should probably just, I don't want to commit to me? I'm going to marry your twin. Once you start talking same gene pools, I think you just... You should probably just, I don't know,

kill yourself or something. That's my unrelenting advice for everything. Last voicemail. What's up, KFC? Fights. First time, long time. So I want to reiterate your question of would you rather watch your parents have sex or have them join in?

I want to change it to would you rather watch your parents have sex or they watch you every time you have sex? I'm watching them. Oh. I was going to say watch me. No. I don't want to watch them. I don't want to. This is kind of the same thing where you're like, well, you're just selfish.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. It is. It is true. And I am selfish. Yeah, you are. And I will remain selfish.

That's fine. As long as you're aware. I just can't subject my mother to some of the things that I do. I think that I will. First of all, I have your mother watch some girl lick your ass. Come on. You can't have that. By the way, my mom just texted me.

There's an Amber Alert for a missing adult. It's not you, is it? So she thinks that Action Bronson has kidnapped me. I can't subject that. Look at her. She's so nice. She's checking up on me. I can't subject her to that.

I would just have mediocre sex for the rest of my life. Just have one eye on the camera while you're slowly having a missionary? Yeah. Always under the sheets. Just be like, bam, this is how I fuck. So in that case, you're actually not that selfish. Yeah. If it comes down to my parents, I will always subject myself to

the emotional torture rather than make my parents do it. Because I'm not selfish. I'm a great son. Yeah, I was going to say, because you're kind of already torturing them. Every single day. All right, let's get into this interview with Thomas Lennon. You know him as Officer Dangle from Reno 911,

amongst countless other acts, characters. Very funny dude. He was not a surprise, but I was like, that was fucking funny. This guy is a funny cat. It's brought to you by 23andMe, the health and ancestry service kit. You can explore 125 personalized genetic reports that may reveal your link and your DNA to your health, your traits, your personality, and more. It can include certain chances of developing certain diseases so you know how to maintain your health and stay healthy. It can tell you all about your propensity to gain weight so

you know how to diet better. Basically, you can just become a better person by learning exactly who you are on a genetic DNA level. Go to 23andme.com slash KFC. That's 23andme.com slash KFC. And you can get the Health and Ancestry Service Kit today. It's everything from interesting facts about yourself to learning about your history to understanding your family better. Like I said, finding twins that you don't know about, that you don't want your ex-boyfriend to fuck that is true that's true you maybe could find out if you've got that twin dna in you so that maybe it's gonna skip a generation and you're gonna find that your kids are gonna be twins and then you're gonna have to be like hey one day a boyfriend is gonna try to like hook up with both you and you're not gonna be to do it. 23andme.com slash KFC to find out who you are.

Thomas Lennon, talk to him. I'll tell you about my first movie role. Okay. It's more sports related than you may think. Do we need these or? No. It's up to you. Good to go.

Half an hour? Yeah. 20 minutes? 20 minutes? Yeah. That works. Cool. First launch. This is the first launch. Jesus. 20 minutes yeah that works cool first launch

this is the first launch Jesus LA lunch oh wow this is it it's actually dropping today alright wow

so uh honored to have you here then it's KFC radio with Thomas Lennon on the day that his big book drops hi guys Ronan Boyle

and the Bridge of Riddles which is I saw a headline today before we Slangos. Ronan Boyle and the Bridge of Riddles. Which is... I saw a headline today. Before we... We're going to get into Tom's first movie role real quick. But I saw a headline today that said it has potential to be the next Harry Potter. Heard of it. Before we get to anything.

500 grand. If you get JK Rowling money. Can I have it? Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If I make JK Rowling money, you pay me 500 grand? No get JK Rowling money can I have it oh wait wait wait wait if I make JK Rowling money you pay me

500 million dollars no you give me I give you 500 million dollars yeah for the podcast that launched the next Harry Potter that's literally

ashtray money Colbert last night had nothing to do with the success this is gonna have how about in Flashdancers funny money

how much does that translate how about 70 dollars you just you know Flashdancers funny money

now I'm gonna tell you the first movie I was ever in ready yes please go buy the book how much does that translate? How about $70? Flashdance is funny, my man. Now I'm going to tell you the first movie I was ever in. Ready? Please go buy the book. It's fun for adults and kids. It's like a fun fantasy novel. So I was in a movie called You Can Say No to a Drink or Drug.

And it was a public service film starring Keith Hernandez. Yeah. And it's been all downhill since then. Keith had been busted for a couple of things. And they're like, hey Keith, you gots to make a movie to tell kids

to not do cocaine all the time. And I got to be in that movie. It was very exciting. Let me tell you, Keith Hernandez was acting. He would in the performance of a lifetime. I was in it, and so was Laura Flynn Boyle. Wow. How old were you?

I was, I think I'm like 15 or 16. This is in Chicago. So you're playing, you know, the kid tempted. I play the dude who forces kids to try weed. You were the bad guy? You know how when you walk around and you're a kid and there's always someone who forces you to try weed? No. That's not what happened once. Not only did it not

happen, older guys were like, you can't have my weed. Yeah, who gives away weed? No. That happened this year. Psychopaths in Keith Hernandez movies. This Halloween, that was a big thing going around on Twitter. It was like, make sure you check your children's bags because kids, people are putting edible gum sure you check your children's bags because people are putting

edible gummies. Oh, that's not funny. But that didn't happen because nobody is giving away their weed to children. They're eating it and smoking it. I think that happened with a friend of mine's sister, though. Oh, really? Well, then that's not funny. My sister was at an open house or something like that and did eat a bunch of gummies out of

a jar in the kitchen. Oh, but she's an adult. She's an adult. She's an adult. Okay. And ended up getting like soups high. Yeah. For like days or weeks. But there was also a story when I was a kid,

there was a story of the guy who stuck acid under his shirt and then ran from the cops. Oh, and the sweat made it come through. And the sweat made it come through. And then he thought that he was an orange endlessly being peeled for like a millennium. And I'm pretty sure that one was made up that one because i've heard it before as well the keith hernandez stuff was true yeah that any any stories you hear about keith or any of that stuff

that's definitely true as well i remember my favorite urban legend and i all my friends when we all went to college each like individually had this story about kids who were tripping and they thought that they had a troll and they had kidnapped a baby. Did you ever hear that one? Oh, you know what that one is? They were like, we woke up in the morning and there was a baby in our dorm. And at the time I was like, wow, you guys party hard, not realizing that it's the fakest story of all.

God, I hope it's a fake story. It is a fake story except for when it happened to the Lindbergh baby. So, guys, if you don't remember the Lindbergh baby, thoughts and prayers to the Lindbergh baby. They don't even teach you guys remember the Lindbergh baby. I don't. Thoughts and prayers to the Lindbergh baby. They don't even teach you guys about the Lindbergh baby anymore. The Lindbergh baby. Let's do an educational podcast.

Big time kidnapping. But either pulled off by Bruno Hauptmann or not. I could go so deep on this, guys. Let's get back to Keith Hernandez. Are you taking your calls? No. Here's my best sports story. I actually was a pretty good baseball player when I was in, like, up until, like, junior high school.

But I was asked, which was cool, to throw out the first pitch at a Cubs game. Very cool. At Wrigley Field. That's scary. I was in the Lieutenant Dangle outfit. And it worked out because I'd been asked by WGN, like syndicated Reno 911. So they're like, oh, this is a nice symbiotic thing. So I was there. What they don't tell you about throwing out the first pitch at a game is by the time you throw that pitch, your arm is destroyed.

You've been warming up. You've been practicing for days. So you've got nothing. So my arm is just shredded from in the driveway, like throwing at an X on the wall. And then owner of the Cubs was there and said, Hey, how's it going? I own the Cubs.

Whoever owns the Cubs at the time. This is a while back and said, like, hey, how's it going? I own the Cubs. Whoever owns the Cubs at the time. This is a while back. I was like, hey. And he said, you're local, you're from Chicago.

I was like, yeah. He's like, great. Aim high. Aim really high. Because if you throw it in the dirt,

they're going to hate you so much. And you're from here. So it's like dead straight and not even joking. Yeah, this is the Cubs fans. They'll hate you.

You'll be a jinx. It'll just suck. So he's like dead straight. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like the crowd. Yeah, this is the Cubs fans. They'll hate you. You'll be a jinx. It'll just suck. So he's like, you don't want, anytime you can be like going down in Cubs lore, you don't want that.

You don't want to be in the Bartman? Yeah, you don't want that. You don't want to be in the Bartman. Steve Noga. No. So,

my parents were there and it was like a big moment. My dad's actually a White Sox fan, but my parents were there. My dad's standing in like the on-deck circle with my mom

and I wind up and I do a giant like Tim Robbins and Bull Durham But my parents were there, my dad standing in the on-deck circle with my mom, and I wind up and I do a giant like Tim Robbins and Bull Durham crazy throw, and it's totally over the plate, but it's a little bit high. But the catcher, the Cubs catcher, gave me that nice little, that slight grace note. You know what I mean? A little framing. He gave me a nice little, like, pulled it in and made it look like a strike. But it was great. Oh, I thought you were going to say like air mail. No, no, no. It was great.

You basically throw a perfect strike in my mind. And this is what parenting's about. Ketcher threw me the ball. My tears are welling up in my eyes like Wrigley Field. Amazing. I take the ball and I throw it to my dad. And I run towards my dad and my dad says,

a little bit high. Ball three, son. Yeah. I was like, all right. Okay. Well, that explains that. Greatest moment of my life, but okay, yeah. So that's why I'm like this.

Okie doke. The thought of you, you got the tears in your eyes, your dad, your jaws dropped and you're wearing the short shorts. You're in the outfit. I mean, you were basically in those booty shorts for probably like a five-year stretch. Oh, yeah, almost six. Six in a movie. Just constantly wearing those.

That's got to be special. I mean, that character, that's got to be one of the more ridiculous characters in TV and film history. I mean, it's absurd. Aspects of Lieutenant Dangle were based on, did you ever see a movie called G.I. Jane? Viggo Mortensen, for some reason, the Navy SEALs actually wear shorts that are that short. I did not see this comparison coming. Oh, no, no. But I remember seeing G.I. Jane and Viggo Mortensen in that movie is like super blonde and he's got like a blonde mustache and just his balls are everywhere.

And I was like, what is this? And then I was like, oh, I'm just going to do, I'm going to steal that. That's now mine. Yeah. Now you put it in G.I. Jane. You're a very serious movie about the military. I'm going to steal that from you.

No, I'm going to steal it and go, go, go, go. All right, let's go. What a character. Was that a, was that. That's actually used by our, we have a military podcast here. two former Marines and former Army – I don't even know what he was, but whatever. And they do Nubu Goofin all the time. We have a very good tour as the Reno cast, and I got to sit on one of the president's helicopters in the Reno shorts.

So whenever you see a presidential helicopter going by, know that the back of my thighs have just rubbed against wherever the leader of the free world has to sit. All these memorable things with serious people and all with your balls hanging out. My favorite thing is one time we were filming promos for the Reno movie. So I was in the blue version of the Lieutenant Angle shorts. So I'm in the blue version of the shorts, but it was a chilly morning in Miami. So I had this weird leather jacket that I'd bought that looked kind of like a Han Solo jacket. So Han Solo jacket, Speedo, basically, and I had the gun on my belt because I never wear the shorts if I don't have the gun.

It's just a rule. Naturally. Yeah. So I've got a Beretta, Speedo, Han Solo jacket, and we pulled up to a hotel that I'd never been into before. It was the Mandarin Oriental in Miami. I had bad thoughts. And I jumped out in a swimsuit, gun, leather jacket, and they said,

welcome to the Mandarin Oriental. Right this way, sir. I was like, this is a cool hotel, man. Yeah, you guys have seen it all apparently. No questions at all. I definitely would have had something to say. That's Miami, though, I feel like. Yeah, that's as weird as I can see.

That's some good service is what that is. Yeah. You know you're in a nice hotel High society stuff We were just watching your scene in I Love You Man which It's got to be the most graphic on screen kiss

It's such a weird one and we shot it a lot of times How many? Give me a ballpark number I'd say we shot it probably 35 Oh shit I thought you were going to say like 10 No no no You have to remember that's also John Hamburg's process I forgot, yeah. How many? Give me a ballpark number. I'd say we shot it probably 35, 40 times. Oh, shit. I thought you were going to say like 10. No, no, no, no. I mean, but you have to remember that's also John Hamburg's process.

So like the dinner scene, we also shot 30 or 40 times. But then we also shot the kiss 30 or 40 times. It's the only one of two only awards I've ever been nominated for. We got an MTV Best Kiss nomination. Oh, you did? Who beat you? You didn't win? The fuck?

Ready? A little movie called Twilight. In which I believe all they do is kiss. They're literally just like, oh my god. Oh my god, let's kiss. Or they just wait to kiss. That kiss, the only other kiss I remember really in cinema history is Cruel Intentions. That one, and I love you, man. I'm just like, oh, Tom Lennon. It's a much longer kiss than you expect. like cinema history is Cruel Intentions right with someone that one

and I love you man I'm just like oh Tom Lennon it's a very it's a much longer kiss than you expect and the other thing about it that I remember thinking

when we shot the scene I was like this is so funny this is so funny because I just go right in at Paul's face is I was like God I hope they don't put it

in the trailer for the movie I was like as long as they don't put it in the trailer don't put it in the trailer don't put it in the trailer why because you want it to be like a surprise as they don't put it in the trailer, don't put it in the trailer, don't put it in the trailer. Why, because you want it to be a surprise? Because it's going to be so funny and surprise people.

And of course, it was the main thing of the trailer. Well, there's always a push-pull with that. You want a surprise, but it's also like, people are going to watch this movie because this is ridiculous. Well, yes. That was a fun movie. I've seen Bourne where that's less than that. It's a long, long kiss. it's a long long kiss for sure

it's a very long kiss we were talking about that yesterday with they had but for some reason it's slightly beautiful because I'll tell you what when I see other people kiss

I find it disgusting I hate kissing myself I find it gross it's a very strange thing that we do it's just nasty but when you have two people you love as much as me

and Paul Rudd yeah you're like oh my god Ant-Man Dangle let's go that's a whole fan fiction thing we can I'm sure get into oh yeah you love as much as me and Paul Rudd. You're like, oh my god, Ant-Man? Dangle? That's a whole fan fiction thing we can, I'm sure, get into.

The picture of Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson. I've seen the image of which you described. It's gross! That tongue is out, man. They're two arguably, objectively attractive people. Kate Beckinsale is much more so than him. I wasn't going to do a scale for anybody, but

Pete's a funny guy. He's a funny guy. Kate is the prettiest girl that's ever walked the plane. I would like to tell the youngsters out there, get good at comedy. If that photo didn't teach you to get good at comedy, I don't know what ever will.

Being funny is the most important thing. I strive for it every day. You will start playing out of your league faster than you expected if you can get legit funny. It's crazy, isn't it? All you gotta do is make a plan. I mean, your ex-girlfriend might write music videos about how he looks. He looks like he hasn't been outside

in like years. It looks like he's been filming Twilight. Robert Pattinson couldn't go outside because he had to have that white skin. He doesn't look bad. He's just like, he literally is this color, which is pure white. I'm not a doctor. Except for in almost every movie.

You also, we just interviewed David Hasselhoff. The Hoff, of course. Calling himself the Hoff is also such a flex. Oh, yeah. He's like, tell people you saw The Hoff. The Hoff. Yeah. But he does it in a charming way that's not like obnoxious.

I guess if you're The Hoff, you can do that. You can do that. He's like six foot five, right? He's a big cat. He's a big, big dude. He came in looking, he came in looking like he just came out of the Mandarin in Miami. A lot of leather? Yeah.

Yeah. He had the jacket on, a button up shirt, you know, with maybe one button done. That's my guy. The chest hair out. That's my guy. You live it. Chest hair? I feel like The half is pretty smooth.

No, it was great. It was nice. File photo? But we actually, after the interview, we were riding the elevator with him because we did the interview over at Sirius. That's always weird.

Sometimes you'd rather just like, say, you know what, I'm going to get a coffee and I'll see you later. I wrote an elevator up with, I forget, it might have been Nick Cannon or something like that and I just didn't even tell him I was about to interview him. and I'll see you later. I rode an elevator up with, I forget, it might have been Nick Cannon or something like that, and I just didn't even tell them I was about to interview them.

I just hid in the corner. That's fine. But then they get in the room and they're like, you were just there, man. You're so socially awkward you couldn't even say what's up. Here's my weirdest elevator rides of all time. Ready? Barry Manilow.

Wow. I got Barry Manilow one time in an elevator. And you were wearing the dangle shorts, I'm sure. One time I got mugged right when I moved to New York. Classic. I got just Manilow one time in an elevator. And you were wearing the dangle shorts, I'm sure. One time I got mugged right when I moved to New York. Classic. I get just the shit kicked out of me. I was wearing a bow tie. I was wearing a yellow Ralph Lauren bow tie.

What neighborhood, yeah? So technically, this was at 8th and Broadway in front of the old Pizza Piazza. Got beat just the shit kicked out of me by these two guys. And so then I had like a black eye and an eye patch. And I rode in an elevator with Raquel Welch. I remember thinking, oh man, I wish I didn't have

a big swollen weird eye. Yeah, because that's what ruined your shot. Is this just a jumping? Yeah, I got jumped. But I think it was also the bow tie. The bow tie is saying for sure, jump me. jumping uh yeah i got jumped yeah but i think it was also the bowtie the bowtie definitely the bowtie is saying like for sure jump me yeah like please please please jump me it says like here take my wallet no no we just want to beat you up for the bowtie i'm not from here yeah meow meow

but uh the hoff was uh we were discussing the baywatch uh reboot which you you wrote or you were part of the writing uh that's a pretty awesome project to be part of in my mind. That's an interesting one because I wrote it. I wrote some of the original drafts. This is something that happens when you write big studio movies. I have not seen the picture. Really? No, it just doesn't

always work out. Yeah, so we were on that one for a long time. What do you mean? It's amazing. You gotta go watch it. It's good? Oh, I think it is. Great. It's so entertaining. Great, great, great, great, great. It's good? Oh, I think it is. Oh, I love it. Great. It's so entertaining. Great, great, great, great, great. Checks, checks, checks, checks, checks, checks, checks, checks, checks. I think I've gotten on there like three times. Oh, I think everyone should go see it. I just hadn't happened to have seen it.

Do you, uh, how many movies would you say you have been involved in that you have not watched? Okay, uh, I've never, I'm in the movie Boat Trip. Uh-huh. I've never actually seen the picture. Fair. This is gonna happen. Yeah. Boat Trip is, you know, that movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sands? I believe so. And there's a beautiful girl in it.

Whoever the girl is. I've seen Cuba. Vivica Fox. Yeah. He plays a gay guy to get in with her or something like that. Something like that. They end up on an RSVP gay cruise together. Classic.

American classic. I don't know what you're talking about. Roger Moore all your favorites never bothered to catch that one I didn't catch that one I did see I'm in a

Terrence Malick movie called Night of Cups I could have skipped it yeah it's like four hours of Christian Bale thinking about

pretty girls. I don't know how else to describe the movie. That's exactly what it is. People walk around in slow motion walking. Do you like people walking in slow motion? So much of that in Night of Cups. I could do a couple scenes. I don't need four hours of it. Oh, it's almost four.

Note to self. Leave that one off the list. Okay. But when we were with the Hoff, the Hoff explained. Now, you wouldn't even know this because you haven't seen it. The Hoff was upset with how he was revealed in the film because he wrote his own scene. And let me tell you what. The Hoff digs the Hoff.

I'll say this. You should have let the Hoff do his thing. Okay. It was his work. Again, I haven't seen the picture. I'll say this, you should have let the Hoff do his thing. It was his work. Again, I haven't seen the picture. There's this moment where the Rock playing Mitch Buchanan is down and out. I think he's been fired.

I think he's contemplating... No, he doesn't do that in the movie. The Hoff wanted him to do that. The Hoff wanted him to be contemplating suicide. And he rolls up in his jet ski and he's like... No, he tries to complete suicide. This is that's not going in the picture. And he rolls up in his jet ski, and he's like... No, he tries to complete suicide. This is in the Hoffs picture.

In the Hoffs picture. He jumps off a building to kill himself into the water, and then the Hoff pulls up on a jet ski, saves him out, and says, what are you doing, you man? You're Mitch Buchanan. You are this town. Get out there and save some lives. And Mitch Buchanan is like, you're right.

That's exactly what I should be doing. And swims back to shore. And you know what you assholes wrote? You know what you idiots wrote? He just, you found him in like a Sam Goody buying CDs or something like that. Buying him like a radio shack. He was at a sprint.

He was at a sprint. But the Hoff was upset. Which would you rather watch? In the original, there was like a Star Wars like medal ceremony at the end. And that's where you introduced where the Hoff was in. Oh, I like that. Sort of a more magnificent

sequence. I didn't know. Is he always like a homeless guy that they find in a Sam Goody in the movie? I've not. By the way, I cannot wait to see the picture. Are we selling you on it? It's honestly one of my favorite movies. The Baywatch movie?

Again, checks, checks, checks. I'm really excited. He's our resident bad movie guy. No, no. I like movies that are honest about what they are. This is a fun movie. Go have fun at it. Right.

Which leads me to my next question. Fast and Furious. Big Fast and Furious guy. You've done movies with Vin Diesel sure you are doing one right now right he's often attached

to something I write yeah the machine and then you've worked with Dwayne are they did they ever talk to you they pull you aside and like Tom

this fucking rock guy I can't stand him I hate him weirdly no no not only that I mean here's the thing about The Rock

I rode in an elevator once with Vin Diesel we've never spoken I think I've written one or two movies for him but it's like when you're the writer you're not always going to get to meet with that, I mean, here's the thing about The Rock. I rode in an elevator once with Vin Diesel. We've never spoken. I think I've written one or two movies for him, but it's like, when you're the writer, you're not always going to get to meet No kidding. That's not true. This is also videoed? Yes. So I'll tell you, when I met Vin Diesel, he did

this to me. Ready? Like, I got one of those. That was it? Look to that camera right there and give me the video the I would expect nothing less it was just a little like acknowledgement that I existed but it was vaguely positive

now The Rock Dwayne The Rock Johnson keep in mind is also in the Reno 911 movie and this is when he was so we had to go meet The Rock because we had asked him

we were like hey will Dwayne be in the Reno 911 movie? And they're like, yeah, yeah, go meet him. But you got to go meet him, like, super early in the morning, because he goes to that crazy gym. Yeah, lift, like, giant tires. Yeah, yeah, where people are, yeah. Everybody's jacked.

Everybody's massive. So we had to meet him at, like, 7.30 in the morning, and I was so excited to watch The Rock eat. Because he has, like 50 000 turkey burgers and then a big thing of egg whites and then like a big thing of spinach i was like oh man i guess i would look like the rock if i did that instead of just having like chili cheese fries but the rock drove himself we're like hey do you want like a car to pick you up or something he's like no he's one of the coolest people i know for me everything the more you learn about the rock the cooler he gets i just i'm up or something? He's like, no. He's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet. I know. God damn it. The more you learn about The Rock, the cooler he gets. I'm trying to find

someone who's like, yeah, one time I saw him kick a homeless lady down the stairs or something. No, not only that, if you hang out with if you're ready for this, you hang out with Dwayne and he has a drink or something like that, he toasts always to the troops. Every once in a while. He's literally just like everything you learn about him, you're like, well, now

again, you're awesome. Also, he broke We Kill Osama Bin Laden. Yeah, that's right. He broke the news. He tweeted, like, I just got some news. Like, the world's about to change. God bless America. And like 30 minutes later, it was like, yeah, Osama's dead.

So it was pretty cool. He had the inside scoop. He might have been there. It could have been him for all we know. I think his cousin was a Navy SEAL or something like that. My cousin's a Navy SEAL. Your cousin's a SEAL? Yeah. Well, why didn't you get the call?

Because he's on a different team. My cousin's on the mini submarine team. Team five doesn't count, man. My cousin's is in the Navy. I can tell you he's not in the teams right now, but Mike Lennon is my cousin. So I've met a bunch of SEALs. And one thing that I find is always true of the Navy SEALs, very, very funny. I don't think you can do that job and not be pretty funny.

Yeah, I could see that too. And I mean, you get so tight. There's such a camaraderie. My favorite story he told me of SEAL Hell Week. It's like, you know, they drop you three miles out in the ocean and you get all this stuff. But then he said the worst thing that happens was in the midst of that, like just awful, weak, cold

everything, swimming in torpedo tubes on submarines, you get taken to a very warm classroom with like candles and whale sounds. And he said, you have to write an essay about your favorite instructor at Bud's and your least favorite instructor.

And if you fall asleep, you're out. That's in G.I. Jane. That's crazy. Apparently they didn't really kick anybody out, but this is just a test to see, can you stay awake in this like cozy room? That's the hardest thing they do probably. That's one of the few scenes I saw G.I. Jane

when I was so young. G.I. Mortensen, blonde mustache, gorgeous balls. Keith Hernandez. The Hoff's beautiful chest. Is there any chance the Hoff is still outside? I just don't want him to pitch me movie ideas. I just don't want to be in the elevator with him. Suicide.

The main character is committing suicide. No! What the shit Baywatch movie is that now that was a TV show that was mostly about people jogging he was so serious

he was so serious he's like like saying to us like can you believe it like of course there should have been a suicide scene with a

with a jet ski rescue yes like said it to us as if we were the morons for not coming up with it it was it was special I'll text him later

yeah so this book Ronan Boyle how long does it take to write a book it to us as if we were the morons for not coming up with it. It was special. I'll text him later. Let the Hoff know. So this book, Ronan Boyle and Bridget Riddles. How long does it take you to write a book? It's interesting. It's impossible to say. Probably... I thought you were going to say it's impossible to do. No, it took

beginning to end. From the idea, I was like, I have a whole idea for a book. And that was awesome. That goes away in like a minute. And then like two years or a year and a half go by probably where i wrote the whole book because even if you have so you got this you know i'm sure you got this character in your head and then it's like all right by the way on colbert last night he was really trying to get you to talk about the book and you were like i got the clip play the clip that was uh we did a fun bit that i'm sure you can see online colbert of clips from the novel.

Which he's a very good – actually my first ever writing job that wasn't the state was writing an episode of Strangers with Candy for Stephen Colbert. So he was like my mentor slash very angry boss when I was trying to write for him. He's one of the best to do it. He was very tough. Was he? He was very tough on me. Yeah. But it made the episode – the episode's still – it's a great one. He was very tough. Was he? Yeah, he was very tough on me. Yeah. But it made the episode, the episode's still,

it's a great one, it's called, I think, Bogey Nights episode. Did you like hate him while you were doing it? I was like, this guy's really tough. Yeah, that translates, that's Hollywood talk for you,

I hate him. Yeah, at the time, at the time, I thought he was a taskmaster. He was very tough on me. But the episode turned out amazing. Yeah. If this does get harry

potter big yes so 70 in flash dancers funny money yeah well i was actually gonna say are you gonna turn into jk rowling because i think she's kind of become like one of the more insufferable people on the internet okay i uh she's always doing that stuff where she's like yeah by the way like you didn't notice the sorting hat was gay i'm like oh oh she's revising new star story she's always like making it seem more progressive by the way the sorting hat was so gay i mean if you didn't sense that the first time i saw him when he said i was like yes queen she might have been right on that one. She said that she wanted... Sorting hat's so gay.

In her writing... By the way, I would watch a sitcom that's just about the sorting hat. The sorting hat just moves to Edinburgh and has come out of the closet. And it's just like, I'm the hat. Bring the twinks. Bring me twinks. He's a sorting hat. And he's sort of gay.

Living in Edinburgh in a flat. Trying out balls for the first time. Sorting hat. Hey, I'm the sorting hat. We got it. That's it right there. Forget about the book, man. the sword and hat. We got it. That's it right there. Forget about the book, man. Just go do that.

She also said that when she was writing Harry Potter in her mind the whole time. I'm dating some socks now. Hat and socks. She said that Hermione in her mind was always an elderly black woman. I was like, what do you mean? An elderly black woman? How is she in what do you mean? An elderly black woman? How is she in the school? She's in a school.

What are you talking about? But listen, when you make a billion, you can do that. So let's strive for that. Guys, that's the interest on this. Are you talking about that? I mean, she's making money even when I sell my sorting hat thing to Bravo. He's a sort of hat.

Hey, I'm a hat. He's a very grizzled gay man. Well, that's what the sorting hat sounds like. He certainly doesn't sound like a fun gay guy. Bring me the twinks is an all-time line. Am I wrong that that's what the sorting hat sounds like? That's what he sounds like. He sounds like weird old Wilford Brimley going,

Yes, queen. I can't imagine doing anything that even gets in the ballpark of like, hey, this might be the next Harry Potter. Does it make you feel pressure? That is crazy. I felt a lot of pressure. Again, we're just going off one headline. That was one. Don't make it a big head right now.

From my Twitter feed. Let's wait till the end. No, that was a... That's crazy praise to even be mentioned with it. The fun thing is that I wrote in a genre that people like, which is I think young adult fantasy.

But it's also is, I think, you know, like young adult fantasy. And so that, but it's also a book, I think any adult with a good sense of humor would enjoy the read. It's not like, it's not a book that's exclusively for kids. That said,

I think it's kids who like funny things, who like science fiction, who like fantasy, will love it. It's also a fun book to read to your kids. There's also an audio book of it, which I read. Ah, that's much. You got it. It's also a fun book to read to your kids. There's also an audiobook of it, which I read.

Ah, that's much. Yeah, and it sounds a lot like the gay version of The Shorting Hat. You've really perfected that one. That's the angle we're going with here. We actually forgot to even mention that when we were talking about The Hoff. That's what The Hoff was promoting, a book of his.

By the way, Hoff and the hat moving together. Hoff and hat. But his story writing is, the Hoff is a CIA agent. Well, this I like now. This is so good. This is so good.

He looks identical to David Hasselhoff. And he's in Germany taking down the Berlin Wall. But the CIA agent gets mistaken for David Hasselhoff. And he gets mistaken for the spy. He has to become a spy and use his Knight Rider training to get out of the situation and save Germany. While the other one has to perform a David Hoffman.

Did he smell like weed or was it just leather? It just smelled like leather. Was it leather and weed? It's just the Hoff. So that's just the regular leather. That's the leather talking. The CIA spy has to hop on stage and perform his hits for all of Germany, and the Hoff has to be—

No, no, this was a couple weeks ago, yeah. Okay, but it's not 70 years ago. No. Okay, cool. Cool, cool. It was, I think— Really leans into the Germany thing. The Hoff has a bunch of records in Germany.

It's wild. Yeah. We were saying that some celebrities, when they hit 45, they go become like normal cool guys. Right. Like, yeah, I got a pretty sweet job and it's fun and you can talk to me. And others just kind of go into that like old timey sense of celebrity where it's like, I don't even live on the same planet as you. You've gone the good way. Hoff, don't think he went the right way.

Well, it depends on your perspective. He's on planet Hoff for sure. He's very interesting. I think he was pretty cool. He was very cool but also very crazy. Even if Hoff has gotten high on his own supply, even if he has, I think he's genuinely very happy. So I think let's not forget that. I think he has a tan all the time.

I think you can mistake the two. He's tan all the time? You think someone's happy, they're just tan. Well, also, it's very bad for you to get tan. It cooks your brain and your insides. It's one of the worst things you could do. Then you're happy. Once again, that's why Pete Davidson's winning.

Hadn't been outside in months. No vitamin D. Is this something you learned in the Keith Hernandez film? Don't smoke weed. Keith Hernandez forces weed on me, and then he makes me buy it because he's a genius. No one's going to give you free weed, guys. What if the Hoffs is still outside?

And I'm talking, I know this is weeks ago. He's waiting. Weeks ago. And he's just... So the book is out. It's Ronan Boyle and the Bridge of Riddles. And again... And I'm going to get rich from it, so I'm excited about it.

Go buy it right now. You're going to get... Wait, by the way... I'll take 50 bucks. You're going to get less than $100 in Flash Dancers funny money. Listen. That's fine. Usable at Flash Dancers funny money. Listen. That's fine. Usable at Flash Dancers.

I feel like I have a kinship with you and anybody who rolls in and just starts talking about Flash Dancers. So I respect the hell out of you. Thank you. I hope that we can be friends and I would love to go to Flash Dancers with you sometime. And by sometime, I, you know, maybe like now. I did a... Forget this book launch. Speaking of amazing... We're going to Flash Dancers.

Go buy the book, Run and Boil on the Bridge of Riddles. So I did a movie with Danny Trejo. I did a 3D movie. Okay. I did a 3D Christmas movie with Danny Trejo. Just keep adding that. What the shit is my life? This is totally real.

I did a 3D Christmas movie with Danny Trejo. And we were in Michigan in the Harold and Kumar movie. And basically every night Trejo was like, hey, Tom, strip club. And I was like, if I go to a Detroit strip club with machete and something bad happens, or just anyone has a picture, it's like, hey, dangle and machete. I want a duo.

No. You said no? Of course I said no. Wow. That's the end of your career. See, this is why you guys can't guys won't last in showbiz. It's a fact. You're going to hoff it up.

The first night Trejo was like, hey, I was in San Quentin and I was a Golden Gloves champion. Let's go to a strip club. What do you say? Yes. No. Of course. I missed that lesson. You're safe.

You're taken care of. What's going to happen to you? You have Danny Trejo on your side. Yeah. I know. Stuff's going to happen. Yeah, but you'll win the fight. You just failed the first test of showbiz.

But it would be a cool story. Yeah. You meet Tom Cruise. Do you go in for the hug? No, you don't. Oh, I would have failed that one, too. You just got to punch out fists. Okay.

Yeah. I would have said, I wouldn't have known for that. I said no. I did go in for a hug with Taylor Swift, though. You went for a hug on Taylor Swift? I was told to, so I did. You were told to? Who told you that, sir? I was told to, so I did. You were told? Who told you that, sir?

Her security guard was like, are you going to hug her? And I was like, probably not. And he said, she loves hugs. I was like, I feel like you're setting me up. That seems like a trap. That's absolutely a trap. I was like, okay, security guard, you just want to tackle somebody, but I'm going to give it a whack.

It was for practice. It went well. It went fine. It's like shooting clay pigeons. Like, go see if you can get in there. Snap. Thank you very much. Go buy Ronan Boyle and the Bridge of Secrets.

And go to Riddles. Bridge of Riddles. That's okay. And go to Flash Dancers, too. Go to Flash Dancers. It's a special place. Thank you so much. And see my new show about the sorting hat.

Living in Edinburgh. Bravo. It's called Bedazzled you're gonna have a sit down with andy cohen after like i was at talking bad after breaking bad