KFC Radio - Akon, Andy Haynes, Vibbs Poisoned Barstool, and Suckin Moths

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a review! -KFC and Feits struggle immediately following eating a spicy gummy bear on Lowering the Bar with Vibbs -KFC finally got to meet Polly -Top 5 Apps -Voicemails include Jack*ss stunts, GF doesn't have an a**hole, always spicy or always hungry, and getting someone's attention. (01:50:10) Akon joins the show. We discuss his philanthropy, Akon City, Akoin, how he would do in Verzuz, running for president, and much more. (02:21:30) Andy Haynes joins the show. We discuss his relationship with his fiancee Rosebud Baker, the stoop kids who have taken over their home, addiction and sobriety, adapting stand up comedy through the pandemic, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @ImAndyHaynes Subscribe to us on youtube for daily video content: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS7DF7CP_bOyZ2T1c1Uoz9g Download the Answer the Internet App here: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/answer-the-internet/id1514656026You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. We were born in that, though. That used to be our punishment for losing beer pong. You had to eat moths. Well, yeah, that makes sense that he ate a moth. It's another edition of Tires to Radio. If it sounds like I'm doing this podcast with an ice cube in my mouth, it's because I am. The voice you hear laughing is my esteemed colleague, John Henley Feidelberg, who just pissed himself.

Yo, I didn't know it was possible to eat something so hot it makes you piss yourself. But here we are. But I just did it. I feel like I have the flu right now. I feel like I'm coming down off of... I don't know. My body is rejecting a gummy bear. We played a round of lowering the bar.

Vibs came back to the office today. Day one! Day one! Vibs, by the way, I think he thinks the office open today he's like you talk about like the cleaning lady who's been here every day for the last month and a half yeah he's like it's probably her first day at the office like no vips it's your first day yeah you're a new motherfucker he came back and i thought maybe maybe don't do lowering the bar at all to start or maybe i said be like oh hey welcome back to lowering the bar we're gonna eat undercooked cookies and maybe you'll

get salmonella instead oh my god i got the chills i feel like i'm going through withdrawal i feel like i'm a heroin addict going through withdrawal i'm sweating but i had the chills john pissed himself my my my focus, my hourly, minutely focus since I first had that has been keeping my asshole shut. Like, that thing... Let me tell you, you failed at keeping

your dick shut. That thing's so spicy, it made me incontinent. So the Lord of the Bar was this gummy bear that's like 9 million on the Scoville scale or something. 900 times hotter than a jalapeno. And it's a fucking gummy bear. Viv's pitching to me.

He goes, don't worry. It's not as bad as getting maced. Like that's where we're at now? That's the bar. That's how low the bar is. It's not as bad as getting maced. What does he say? He's going to be like, don't worry. it only hurts a little bit more than a gunshot.

My tongue hurts so much. Does my tongue look red or anything? When I breathe, the exhale of what I'm assuming is like 98.6 degree air from my fucking body, it hurts so much that it makes me

want to stop breathing. If you gave me the option to just stop breathing i think i would like i tried holding my breath earlier and like in survival instinct kicked in and i breathed again i wish i didn't have that um i might hang myself to stop breathing i'm not sure if it's even like i'm not even sure what's hurting me right now if it's the gummy bear or if it's like, I mean, I had like five or six glasses of milk. Yeah, the milk helps though. I've always heard milk makes it worse. Milk makes it better.

Milk makes it better, for sure. I heard that milk is a base and it goes into your stomach and then your stomach produces more acid. It makes it worse. I don't know all about all that. All I know is milk in your mouth feels good. Yeah. And then I was trying to gargle it to get to the back of my throat. And I think you said something funny and i mean the gift the gift that's gonna come out of it's all time and then

fights was laying down curled up i'm i'm i had just done it so i'm like i'm dying i'm putting ice in my mouth milk the whole night he at this point is just laying in the fetal position saying how his body's rejecting it and then he stands up and there it is just a nice piss stain on his pants i was like yo this shit was so hot you pissed yourself and he was like he looked down he's like yup and the fucking next thing i did i looked down at my own dick i was like did i piss myself too you know when i was when i was probably a freshman in high school i was in eighth grade, I went to Spain and I went to a bullfight.

And it was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Because as they're slowly killing the bull, I know what you're going with this and it's very funny. He's just pissing and shitting everywhere. You're a bull that's been stabbed a hundred times by the matador. I think I might be a dying bull. As soon as you said that, I was like, I know exactly what he's going to say. He's begging, like,

milk didn't not help, but, like, I'm just trying whiskey now. It's about 4 o'clock in the afternoon. 3.20. I'm just like, I'll have a glass of whiskey and see if this helps. I have to be here until midnight tonight. What? I'm going to have to do a Bruins livestream tonight. Oh!

No! I'll be here until midnight tonight. What time does the game start? 8pm. You gotta go home first. I can't go home first. If I go home, I won't come back. You're right. You're definitely right. So you swallowed it. I spit like a little fucking whore. You're right. Definitely right. So you swallowed it. I spit like a little fucking.

You're a little whore. I swallowed it. And Vibs goes, just so you know, if you have issues with a heartburn or heart situations, you shouldn't have done that. And I said, Vibs would have loved that information 30 seconds ago. I am king of heartburn. You are the undisputed champion of heartburn. Did you intentionally wait until I swallowed it to tell me that?

So I asked him because I think I did the polar opposite of you. It sounds like you chewed a little bit and then swallowed to get it out. But then I think you had a full belly bomb hit your fucking insides. I chewed it up good for him for the fucking video. I was like, I'll give you your reaction. I'll set my mouth on fire. But I'm not doing what he's doing. So I spit it out.

But my mouth, man. I don't know. I mean, I'm looking looking at you a dead bull who's pissed himself you just look terrible everyone everyone keeps reminding me of that by the way everyone's like you look like the worst i've ever seen but as hot i think i don't think i think i might want that my mouth is still on fucking really see my mouth didn't get that hot that long yeah because you swallowed it down yeah i don't know what's worse my i mean my my tongue i would you gave me like a knife i think i would chop my tongue off ice did really help ice cubes helped but we both were doing this thing if you're watching on youtube or a social media clip both of our shoulders were like this like we were likeing into ourselves, and I was like snot and milk all over me.

I mean, hey, ladies. You want to spice it up in the bedroom? Remember that guy who drank the bottle of hot pepper? The hot sauce? A few weeks ago, there was a guy on the podcast. No, M.I. the Asshole. Dude, as a joke said,

let's spice things up in the bedroom, and he chugged a bottle of hot sauce. And remember the girl saying he hasn't been right for weeks yeah anyone have sex and stuff anymore well yeah i'm not my dick's not gonna get hard for a month after this oh i'm actually incredibly horny what yeah this got you going yeah like i just i'm just not right i like like... I considered going to the bathroom and jerking off. Maybe you came. Was that pre-cum or piss? Good question. I don't know. I think it was piss.

But I don't know for sure. My man... Feidelberg ate a gummy bear so destructive, he doesn't know whether he came or pissed in his pants. That is absolutely unbelievable.

There's that. Honestly, we said, we can't do the podcast. I can't do it like this. I was like, it'll be funny for the people. My first feeling, I was like,

I need an hour break. I think we're going to take one. I think we're just doing this part to be funny for a minute and then we're going to chill because I don't feel good at all. Let's do one more segment because it rolls in nicely. Okay, because this is also coming on the heels of a fucking big weekend. Is that

affecting you at all? No, I don't think so. See, I mean, this weekend was John's birthday. My beloved turned 34. 32. 34. And I tried to dig deep and throw my fastball, and I hit like 88 on the gun.

It's like, one more time for the boys back home. I'm going to do it. it i'm gonna kick it old school take it ease and i reached back and i was like chet the rocket stedman i was like i'm done really i mean i like well you tell me like i mean i hung but i it wasn't like i thought you hung i mean you took a nap but like yeah i needed the nap i needed the nap because the friday i had i was up at like five with my kids to start the day. So that day kicked my ass. And then we drove.

But I mean, we were drinking and smoking and hanging out. It's just the – what I've learned in my age is – I said this on CCK. I think I'm at the point where I am unpeer-pressurable. Like if I really don't want to do something, I'm not fucking doing it. And I don't care how many people are telling me like, it do it do it like you guys were vodka shots and i'd just be like not doing that you know just not gonna do that and um but when i need to in the moment if i want to i can just like do it it's the like we wake up at nine and we're gonna do this till four you know it's like i have to do this for the next 17 hours that that that i think that's

more mental than anything i get that gets in my head i can't fucking do this see i don't even think about it it was definitely long partying there's a lot of partying but like i don't wake up i don't i don't think about the future at all i'm right just live in the moment shot smoke whatever just keep going uh it was an arrow bed on the floor stay up all night wake up early and start going sort of weekend and i think i really realized though because any any other time i used to do those i was like in my prime really right so i was able to just i was the one leading the charge of like wake up let's drink let's party whatever we're going to the bar we're going to the board bar at fucking 12 a.m whatever um but now doing it in my older age where i was like not drinking as much or not

taking that shot or taking a nap or whatever those weekends are just as fun because it's just about how fucking funny you have to be doing the right people right but i mean like your friends from home are so fucking funny that i there was this the last night i was like i wanted to go to bed for three and a half hours. And every time I was like about to stand up an Irish goodbye, one of them would say something funny again or another story would start. I was like, I cannot miss these stories. They are that fucking funny. And I remember at one point I and your sister called me out on it.

I had a hat on and I covered my face. I had a hood on and I was just retreating into myself into a ball. And they were like, are you just like hiding? And I was like, I just want to leave. But G man is so fucking funny. I can't just stop with the jokes. But I've always said those weekends are my favorite part about those weekends are almost the drive home where you're like, remember this? You remember that?

Remember this time and that haven't been recollecting those moments. I mean, it was I thought it was because I was super stoned that I was laughing so hard. And then I woke up and rethought of them and just started laughing again. So, you know, there's different ways to do those weekends. Obviously, they're the best if you're just fucking in your front. We need to take a break. We'll be back. I'm not. I can't takeing for 45 seconds. We need to take a break. We'll be back. I'm not.

I can't take fart studio right now. We'll be back. Goodness. Like, it just, like, I just farted 45 seconds straight. You need to go shit. I'm scared to shit. Yeah, I got that. All right.

That little hiatus was brought to you by Owens Mixers. A little pause. We went and we're drinking anything in sight, and I should have grabbed myself an Owens transfusion mix. I feel like that. I bet grapefruit andill does help a lot. Yeah, that's a combo that I think will just ease the pain on the tongue quite a bit. Owens has craft mixers for all sorts of cocktails.

Most importantly, yeah, just fucking bring it. I'm drinking Transfusion straight. I don't even need the vodka. I'm just going to fucking. The Cucumber and Mint and Cuc and cucumber and lime one is so good. It's one of the best mixes of all time. Yeah. It's just so incredibly refreshing.

It's a big time summer combo. The transfusion is obviously the big one for the golf course. But if you're by the pool or the beach or the boat, a mint cucumber lime with a little new Amsterdam vodka. Baby. Oh, mama. Golf. The foreplay boys are tearing it up with the transfusion mix, though.

You take the vodka with the grape juice and the ginger ale. It's a nice, crisp, refreshing, warm weather. Hang out with your buddies. Make some memories during the summertime. A cocktail. All you got to do is just add vodka or your favorite liquor to all the different Owens mixers. They have stuff for dark and stormies.

They have stuff for the vodka drinks. They have rum drinks, everything that can make you have a nice fruity drink or a poolside drink, whatever. Go to Owens' website, Owens Mixers. We can go to the Barstool site with the foreplay section of the store. Or you can go check out your local liquor store, see they have it in stock go get uh go get it right now owens mixers specifically the transfusion mix for the foreplay boys so we're back feidelberg um he's afraid to shit scared to shit but i'm afraid that you're not gonna shit i want you to shit and get this out i i'm scared okay so i don't know how it works with all dogs but my dog if i feed her something spicy it's scary to see her shit she's like nervous

and she like jumps up and all the time yeah and i think that's what's gonna happen yeah it's not gonna i also think i can taste blood right now like i think i think it's destroying me from the inside yeah oh i this little gummy bear is like ted. It's wreaking havoc on the inside of you. Spitting that out was the best thing I ever did. Ice in the mouth really, really helped. And now it's just a matter of letting my tongue calm down. My insides are good to go. How I envy you, Kevin.

And the thing is, too, I don't shit a lot. I know. That might not come out of you for three days. Yeah. It's my Wednesday at the earliest, I think. The reaction. So we walk out there, and Frankie Borelli had just gone. And Frankie Borelli's reaction made both of us look like Iron Man.

I mean, Frankie was crying a lot. Frankie was crying full-blown puking, and his heart rate went up to like 160 beats per minute. He was flying man so uh everybody everybody had a different approach swallow it whole chew it up spit it out get it down keep it in your mouth whatever nobody wins today johnny yeah no but my approach if i could do it again i would take a different one yeah yeah i would do what i've done just like get your just ruin your mouth but not your insides I think so. I think that was the smarter of the two choices. I mean, neither of them are good,

but I just think that whatever's wrong with me, I don't think is going to be solved anytime soon. You could say that about you for so many times. It has nothing to do with the gummy bear, bro. I don't think whatever it is that's wrong with me is going to be solved for a really long time. And the therapist says, that's all the time we have for today see you next week

getting the full I met Polly Feidelberg oh right got to meet Polly Feidelberg did not disappoint she is just the funniest she's got the fucking wit like fucking cracks a whip man she just has timing she's got a sense of comedy she knows what's up.

That was unbelievable. Polly lived up to the hype so much. That's good. It was a full Phil Berger version. I was nervous for her. I mean, I met your dad. Your dad never disappoints. At one point, John's dad explained to us what albums were,

how to listen to musical albums. He actually posed a really good question, though, that I think we should put into like ati or whatever what album has the best three song run to start the album ever he said it was either the pretenders or the uh uh the counting crows album the which one was always after yeah so if anybody i mean that's like an interesting debate when you put on an album they literally don't even know i don't even know what an album is yeah that's the thing it's hard it's hard it's like i certainly know young people do but when you when you used to put on a cd and it was just like bow bow bow like oh you don't have to skip around you don't have to go to the one single it is it was pretty fucking dope uh

but we were i mean your dad i know benny i know i met a few of your sisters and like they they were basically as described Polly was the one I was like this is big this is important and fully delivered did she fully I'm glad to hear that I was very I was very nervous about the whole thing I was very nervous about you meeting the family really I

could just because like I I think I talked about them a lot and I was hoping they lived up to it I mean your family is you need a reality show. It's fucking hilarious. I mean, you all got such distinct personalities, it's unbelievable. I mean, Paulina is like the funniest person I've ever fucking met. And she's like, she's a little fucking cocky little thing, you know what I mean?

Benny just sitting in the back, just like, what the fuck's wrong with all you people? It's like, Benny's looking at the rest of them like, we all grew up in the same childhood. Why are you guys so fucked up? I'm fine. It was really fucking funny. That place, man. If I were you, I would move there right now. Be gone.

Done with this fucking city. What, the house? Yeah. Yeah. That'd be nice. It is quite the piece of property. Everybody keeps saying that new york is dead and new york's a war zone and all this shit i don't feel that at all i don't

i don't want to speak from a place of privilege because i'm sure like yeah listen it's always been this way if you go to like the bronx in the middle of august when it's 95 there's gonna be problems and i'm sure there's more problems because there's issues with police there's issues with what's open what you know, everything's just exacerbated. So I'm sure, you know, I saw the stats. It's like 64 wounded, 5 dead this weekend. I'm not saying it's not happening, but I think it's getting painted as like you can't walk outside.

It's like I come to work, I park my car, I walk to the office, I just went for it, I walked today. Granted, I mean, there's a lot of homeless. Maybe this is the thing, though. Like, we are. Our threshold is pretty high. Like, I was walking around today. I literally just went for a walk.

And I was like, this ain't so bad. And I saw a homeless dude with his dick out. And I was just like, that doesn't faze me anymore. And, like, there was this bum who was, like, kind of, like, stumbling his way. And he almost bumped into me. And I just kind of sidestepped him and let him go by and kept walking. And I was like, it's beautiful out today. So maybe we're just a little bit broken.

That's a fair assumption because I think the same way as you. And like the other day, I moved a homeless man like a blind. He was naked doing chin-ups. And I was just like, excuse me, sir. I didn't actually do chin-ups, but it was just like, excuse me, sir. I didn't actually kiss him, but it was kind of like. Yeah, you just walk around it a little. If that dude wanted to mouth fuck me, he couldn't. Swing his dick right into your head.

It was right there. Dunking on you. It was right at my mouth level. And you don't even. I mean, again, when we had that scene a couple weeks ago where that guy was screaming. If you took someone from the Midwest and just dropped them into the city and they just saw any of that stuff they would be like scarred for life right whereas we're just like i don't know that's just regular tuesday morning yes it is a disaster but it's always been a disaster and yes it's at night and probably in some of the

worse neighborhoods it's really dangerous but the idea that it's like you know back to like new york in the 80s where like you just can't even go outside without getting fucking raped or something it's like i don't even find that there are more homeless people I we've always had the shantytown we've always had homeless people right outside this office I don't see a lot of people I think there are more homeless people in in other parts like I feel like you we have like our bubble that we're used to and that's filled with homeless people in Penn Station and a lot of grime so we're like used to it I think that's happening like you know down Fifth Avenue and shit like that, where

it used to be all prim and proper. There's a video from the other day. The other thing, by the way, you never know when videos are actually from. But it's supposedly recently, and this person was going down, it might have been Fifth Avenue, and everything was boarded up. Jewelry stores and high-end

stores, and they're like, look, New York City's dead. And I'm like, for right now, it's gonna come, it's going to come back. I don't know when, but you can't tell me that, like, there's not going to be, like, expensive stores in Manhattan, New York, ever again. It'll be different. Some things will shift.

I think if you're one of the people who left, you probably were on the verge of leaving. Like, I talked to Chris DiStefano, and he's like, I got to get out of the city, man. And I'm like, oh, you know, like, Corona's that bad around you? And he's like, well, I've been thinking about it for a couple years. I got a kid, I wanna get a house.

It's like, you were already almost there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you... You need an extra push. Yeah, maybe you would've made it till, like, you know, 40, and you're leaving at, like, 37 or some shit, because what better time than now? But I don't think, the 24 year olds are fleeing

the city i think there's still like this is the fucking spot to be i'm you know this is like i'm 32 34 and um i was like i couldn't wait to come back yeah also maybe this is just uh as time goes on and it's just human nature or whatever. But I'm not afraid of the coronavirus. Yeah. Kind of the same way. And again, it started. I was scared. We were very outspoken about it.

But I don't think it was. I think it's reasonable. I think we did our time. I think it worked. I think we all listened for the most part. And now the reward is that we kind of can open up again. And people went to bars. And they did their protests. And now the reward is that like, we kind of can open up again and people went to bars and they did their protests and like, it's okay.

And maybe that's like silly of me, but I'm just like, we're back in the office, kind of a lot more people around. I valet my car. I still, I'm going to do a mass transit. I'm not gonna fuck.

I'm not gonna tempt fate here, but like I've done mass transit. Did you have done the subway? I've done subway. I've done a cell. I've done planes. No, I've done a plane.

No, I'm just kind of like, I don't think subway. I've done Acela. I've done planes. No, I've done a plane. No, I don't think I've done a plane. Yeah, I'm just kind of like, I don't think this is going to get me here. You know, LA, LA is like we were in April. Like, it's all time-based. So I'm not saying, like, for the rest of the country. But if you live in New York, like, I think you're Gucci. As long as you're not, I mean, you know, you still got to follow rules and shit. But, like, if there are people still, like still hiding in their house, I think you're okay.

I would say you are. I have no medical degree or anything, but sure, yeah. I'd agree with you. You want to go get a drink? Yeah, sure. I mean, I've gone to get a drink every single night. I go out basically just because, I don't know, my air conditioning's broken in my apartment, so I don't want to hang out in a hot room. So I just hang out on the street and have a few drinks every night.

But I'm saying you're not ever sitting there like oh fuck fuck fuck right never even crosses my mind not at all maybe we're idiots but i think we just did our time i think we did it right i think it's like the reward for fucking listening we get to be open now until there's a second wave um we're gonna do we got a couple interviews today we have fucking akon on the show which convict yo akon is is gonna blow your fucking mind because i don't we talk about this on the interview people don't really know like what who the real akon is you think of him just like a pop pop star and like the hook guy he is like he's the most well-rounded he's like a renaissance man yeah he's like we're talking politics we're talking building infrastructure and architect i mean like crazy shit that i guarantee you really

didn't know on top of all the music that we talk about as well so um acon was one of my favorite interviews ever uh and then we have andy haynes who's a comedian from new york city who's rosebud baker's fiance we've had rosebud on the past. She went on the podcast. She did Friday Night Lights. Friday Night Pints. She'll be on tonight's episode of ATI. And she was just making fun of him the whole time. So we had to give Andy the chance to come back and counterpunch. And boy, he did.

So we have a feuding couple using our airwaves here. So two interviews. It's Akon and Andy. So we got Akon and Andy Haynes. We'll do our top fives and voicemails. Top five today in honor of the new Answer the Internet app, which is flying through the App Store.

We'll do top five apps of all time. It's brought to you by NHTSA, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Everyone knows about the risks of driving drunk. You could get in a crash. You could get people hurt or killed. But I'm going to hit you with some surprising statistics because as a wise woman once said, numbers never lie.

Oh. There's a commercial out right now for Toyota Highlanders that looks like if you plucked Tico, Texas out of the hood and gave her a shower and gave her a job and stuff. It's her. It's wild. It's Tico Texas on a fucking commercial. Yeah, it's crazy.

She's like and she's in like a derby hat and outfit. I don't know what I couldn't hear the commercial, so I don't know what it's about. But Tico Texas is basically in a Toyota commercial. Surprising statistics. Almost 29 people in the US die every day in alcohol impaired vehicle crashes that's one every 50 minutes so by the time you listen to this podcast like three fucking people are dead uh even though drunk driving fatalities have fallen by a third in the age of the last three decades drunk driving crashes still claim more than 10 000 lives drunk driving if you don't die can have

a huge big impact on your wallet as well you can get arrested you can incur legal expenses you can lose your job. So what can you do to prevent drunk driving? Plan a safe ride home before you start drinking. Designate a sober driver or call a taxi. If someone you know has been drinking, take their keys, arrange for them to get a sober ride home. We all know the consequences, but one thing's for sure,

you're wrong if you think it's no big deal. So drive sober or get pulled over. I don't understand how DUIs happen to this day. Well, I'm going to go number one overall pick because of this. Uber. Oh, wow. Right off the bat. Right off the bat. That was on my list, but it wasn't going to be number one, but it kind of is.

When you live the lifestyle that we live for the years that we've lived it where it's like we're always going to go out drinking. I mean, this Uber is convenient, but it also saved lives and kept people out of jail lived it where it's like we're always gonna go out drinking i mean this uber uber's convenient but it also like saved lives and kept people out of jail and all sorts of shit with like the snap of fingers right i definitely would have at least two dead friends and a thousand duis like i mean maybe we were probably a little late because we were living in like new york city but like if you

were in high school when you're first starting drinking and you're driving to parties and shit or you like have a car i never did that because we didn't go to like you were on a campus right well no but like when we like when we went when we partied in high school we went somewhere for the weekend so we never really did like the like local like you know someone's parents are out of town yeah yeah we had a lot of friends who had like their parents were okay with us drinking so it was like as long as you stay here kind of deal and we'd go for friday through sunday yeah we were we were always doing like short range i'm still like my tongue is chill still terrible we were always doing like short drunk driving basically yeah like we weren't like hitting the highway but it was like yeah well you know right like

five blocks over and like that's how you fucking end up dead though or arrested um so like if that if it was that era we used to i used to call bluebird taxi it was like uh what was the fucking number it was six nine six nine i think for the last four numbers or whatever it was like somebody used to have embedded in my brain and sometimes they come get you and sometimes they'd be like we it's an hour wait bro and then you'd be like i don't know i guess i gotta start walking or whatever and now it's just like pow automatic ride so uh the rest of my list is probably going to be convenience and whatnot but on a real note uber and or lyft or just like uh on-demand cars really is like change the fucking world all right number one, I am going to pander, and it's going to be Answer the Internet.

Yo, ATI did 25,000 downloads in the first 24 hours, which sounds good to me. Sounds good. So a whole new host of people playing. You know, the Google Play people, the Android people keep asking me. Just like, sorry. I don't know what to tell you. And it really is a dollars and cents thing.

I asked about it and they were like, listen, having an Android developer for 5% of our audience just doesn't make sense. It's like, just none of you motherfuckers have Androids. So I'm sorry if you're in the 5%. But ATI is, like, I think you had to be, like, a real fan of KC Radio and ATI to, like, get the card game and shit. And I think this is, like, going to be, like, a whole new host of people who are like, ah, fuck it. I'll download the app, you know? And everyone who, like, if you download it, you will love it. Like, we were playing on the drive up. And, like, my girlfriend kept being like, another question, another question. Yeah.

Like, all right. We'll get there. Relax. No, but it's funny because, I mean, anytime we've played it, it's been like here. I don't think I've really played it much, like as the card game. But someone's got the phone, you're in the car, you're sitting around the fire, whatever it is, just whip it out.

And I feel like the description's coming in of people being like, you know, I don't even know if my wife likes me anymore. One guy said, like, I learned a lot about my wife that I don't like, and I found out that my sister-in-law is a freak yep that's what's gonna happen with ati so you can download the ati app now uh answer the internet in the app store comes with two free decks with a sample from the card game and then you can buy up to five new expansion packs it's 15 bucks for all five apps so you save like 25 if you buy it that way so i recommend just buying the goat bundle but um it's i mean we we did it last week like uh or uh friday night pints too we like you know i planned on asking like 20 questions we asked two right yeah because they

just take you here and take you there and you have conversations you like never thought to experience so like when when even the dumb ones that we always get as like the stereotypical who'd rather fuck this or fuck that it's like it starts that way and you're gonna end up talking about like you know fucking george washington in the colonial era i don't even know how we got here because if you're funny and you know you have fun with the conversation it's a good time uh no number one app of all time number one of all time ever for sure all right my number two app um all time. Number one app of all time, yeah. Ever. For sure. All right, my number two app. I don't know whether this could go either way. This could have either been the, this could be top five, best top five worst.

Twitter. Twitter app. Knew that one was coming. I mean, it's, it consumes, you know, I don't do that screen time shit. I don't like the look of that. Oh, fuck, though. I wouldn't even know how to get there. Yeah, that's like stepping on a scale. It's like, I don't go seeking out what I don't do that screen time shit. I don't like to look at that. Oh, fuck, though. I wouldn't even know how to get there. Yeah, that's like stepping on a scale.

It's like I don't go seeking out what I don't want to see. I'm aware it's unhealthy. Yeah, very bad. I don't need to know just how unhealthy. Because if I'm sitting there like, you know, I bet I'm on my phone eight hours. And I look and it says like 14. I'm going to be so pissed. 14 would be where my guess is.

But I have looked at battery percentage before. Because at one point my battery was dying like crazy. It was just because my phone was getting old. But you can look at what percentage of things are eating up your battery. And I mean, the Twitter bar was huge. And then Instagram was like a speck. And then Safari was a speck. And I was like, holy shit.

And I hate it. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, Twitter. I don't know why I'm still on it. I should not be on Twitter. What are you talking it's i know why you're on it i'm addicted well because like we need to promote things yeah that's all i should do i don't really tweet as much as i used to anymore yeah i'm still just in the mix like a fucking asshole i i definitely rarely like mix it up and like fight and shit yeah right i'll like i'll favor i acknowledge things but like

if someone disagrees with me i'm just like whatever they disagree with me smart mute button and just don't even look at it i'm still like fighting like a moron and so i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but when you're on when you use your iphone and the app you use like 89 of the time is this thing it's got to be on your list yeah so good or bad best it's interesting you think of it as like, uh, like you think, like, I think it's bad. I don't engage anymore. Cause I think it's worse my career. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, the reason I do it, well, the reason I do it is because I'm addicted. The reason I tell myself I do it is for work. And the reason I really do it is cause I'm an asshole. And I like to, and I like to fight with strangers uh i'm argumentative i like to win arguments and

debates um so like yeah but i like look at you i'm like oh i wish i could be like that so it is yeah it's definitely a grass is green thing but if i had like five million followers and you and i'd be like yeah dude like why aren't you doing this but like we're we have like the same amount it's like no you have way more followers not really though we're like in the same bracket basically so it's like i lose my fucking mind i'm like banging my head against the wall you're doing this but like we're we have like the same amount it's like no you've way more followers not really though we're like in the same bracket basically so it's like i lose my fucking mind i'm like banging my head against the wall you're just like hanging out chilling and we have the same amount so if i if i probably if i shut the fuck up i would probably have a million followers do you know how many followers over the years i've lost from just saying all my thoughts like like every single one of my thoughts are polarized. There are none that get people,

Liam, like, we all like what that guy's saying. Everything from sports, like, I mean, I live in New York and I hate the Yankees. You know how many followers that's lost me?

I work at Barstool and I fucking hate the Patriots. That, I mean, these are, these are glass ceilings that I am just never going to overcome. And then when I really get rolling and I start ripping and saying shit, I mean, I remember out of everything I've ever done, black lives matter stuff the george floyd protests like

9-11 all that sort of shit when i talk shit about derrick jeter i mean it's like we'll plummet really yankee fanboys gone if i say that like maybe not maybe not so much anymore but like when he was still playing if i said that that that jump into the crowd was unnecessary, down. I firmly disagree with that. That it was good? Yes, I think that was a necessary jump. It's not. It's the only—

First of all, if you believe it's necessary— He's full speed from shortstop to shallow left. He catches the ball in fair territory. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. He takes two steps. And look, I'm not like a Derek Jeter fanboy.

I'm not, but I always Karabas, I see he goes in on it too. I've always, like, every time I look at that I'm like, he takes two full steps. And then he, Superman dives into the fucking stands. It's a low fence. You slide. You slide. No, no, no. Nick,

can you pull it up, please? He fucking, like, dives and throws his arms back like a lunatic. I think it is. There might be something that's a little dramatic about it. And the real thing is that he shouldn't even have to be fucking full speed like that. Every other shortstop is parked underneath that ball. Okay, that is a different story. Yeah.

But look at, watch. He takes two firm steps. That's fair territory. And then But look at, watch. He takes two firm steps. That's fair territory! And then he flies into the stands! Like, it's not that dramatic of a catch. Dude, he could've turned! He could've ran into the outfields. No. He had enough time. Yes! No! It's not, it's

two solid steps. It's a fair fucking ball! I think people, this, I think this is such a polarizing, uh, uh, catch, because of what was happening on the bench at the same time. That wasn't the best catch in the game. Pokey Reese had a better catch. One, two.

So he does two steps. And then he supermans himself into there. To an exceptionally low wall. If it was a regular-sized wall, he probably would have just stopped at it. If you try and stop there, your knee is getting fucked up, and you just got to go. One, two. It's a two-step. Just fucking turn.

Literally turn. No one else can go. Literally turn. No one on the planet can run full speed. Turn. Your second step, turn. And stop in two steps. You don't have to stop.

You just don't have to dive into the stands. Turn. Run the other way. If you go like this, he's running right at the stands. If he just goes like this. I don't think that's necessary. I don't think this was an unnecessary catch. I think, again, I think that it is such a big deal

because of what was happening on the Red Sox bench where Nomar wasn't playing, and it effectively ruined his career at the Red Sox. It was kind of like those two, the juxtaposition of that, where Nomar had taken himself out of the lineup and, like,

refused to pinch hit or something like that. Or his wrist was hurting or some shit. Yeah, and it was like, well, that's what this guy's doing.

Yeah, that's tough. And, like, that was, that was kind of what, yeah, what really,

like, soured him to the people of Boston and stuff like that. And he's, you know, now he's, back around as a hero. He's fine, but

I know it was not well received. If you could go back, which shortstop would you rather have? Would you take the longevity of Jeter or the peak of Nomar? Yeah, I mean, take the longevity of Jeter. Yeah? I mean, the peak of Nomar was obviously higher, but never won anything. right it's like like

what does that peak get you if it doesn't get you a championship it's so fucked that they traded in in the year the yeah i mean the year you break the curse is like was it orlando cabrera was the short side of that and he like did exactly what you really needed to kind of like be that guy and i'm like that hurts i also was weird too like he got a ring like yes he was on the team that year but like i don't know i that i feel like you you i mean he that's almost like a little bit of a lifetime achievement of award too but like you know if you were in first place at the break or some shit and nomar played well yeah you know that kind of that stuff does matter um but that that is the all-time number one.

I'm rooting against my team, and I'm not saying it. He wanted no part of that Red Sox team winning the World Series. I don't care what you say. I know those guys. They're like my family. I'm rooting for them. No, I'd rather you fail miserably. So anyway, yeah, Yankee fans, hate me.

They unfollow me. Next up, number two, MAPS. Oh, shit. shit i see i don't even think it like yeah oh that's what all mine are gonna be by the way from here on things like like are we are we saying like the text message that's not like no okay okay because like that would obviously but calculator is gonna be number three just so we're clear on that i'll steal that one i'm gonna go you do too i'll do two my number three is calculator. Yeah. I don't have many apps.

I don't really. You download games. You download games. I don't really. I have Twitter and Instagram. Right. I don't really play a lot of stuff, but it's all going to be just basic functionality surviving in the world apps from here on out. I mean, Google Maps is one that has pretty much.

I don't even have Google Maps. Just regular maps. Whatever. That's crazy. That app stinks. Why? Everyone always says that to me. I've never had an issue with that app.

That app is not great. Why? I can't remember, but it's bad. I think it's just a stigma thing. I've never had an issue with Apple Maps. I feel like I can just search things on Google Maps. You don't need the exact address, and it'll find it for you. I feel like the maps, I need to know where I'm going.

See, I'll type in something, and it's just like, here you go. It's a great one. That's an app that has changed the world, probably for the worst, quote unquote. There's an entire generation, and now everyone after it, that will never have a sense of direction ever again. No. generation and now everyone after it that will never have a sense of direction ever again no there are people that used it used to be it used to be like a thing like like an intuition that was just like i i think it's to the right you know like i i can't remember but i feel like we went right and like you navigate your way home and it's just like oh shit i found it yeah which now is like mind blowing like i woke up early to get coffee for everybody the other morning

and the the coffee place away from your house is like it was literally uh like one mile away and i put it into the app and i um knew the name of the coffee place but i didn't know your address so i put it in the map and i drive there and then it was time to get home and i was like i didn't pay attention at all i didn't pay attention where i made a left where i made it right it was a one mile drive and that one i actually basically straight shot yeah yeah it was like one it was like two turns but then they were more like kind of like turns what like like lean this way lean that way and i made it but i was like boy if this was like a couple more turns i would have had to call someone and be like i don't know how to get home uh and that's gonna be everybody there's just

it's just a skill that is just not necessary anymore yeah there was a time when like every human being was like a cop chasing a suspect which is like they always anymore. Yeah, there was a time when every human being was like a cop chasing a suspect, which is like, they always get it right, a cop at a TV show. It's like, he went right! No, they just find him. I mean, the idea of holding out a map in a car is simply proposing. Pulling over, that's the thing.

Asking for directions, and they would be like, you know, 35 trees down, you make a right, and then you're going to see two posts, and make a left, and then, you know. How can you even remember? My dad one time pulled off the highway. We were coming home from a Giants game, and got off the highway in, like, Trenton or something like that,

and asked the cop who was in the middle of arresting somebody how to get home. And the cop answered. Yeah, I mean, listen. At that point, it was like, All right, you're going to take 95 north, head up that way. All right, thank you.

At that point, he would be arresting someone else because this guy can't get home. There's going to be problems. We got to get these people home. He had a guy bent over on the fucking hood of the car, putting handcuffs on him

and just gave an answer. It was one of the craziest things. And now it's just, blah, blah, blah. The asking and the response are both like, wait, what the fuck is wrong with both of you?

All right, so you? All right. So you did two there. I'll do two next. I am going to go with. I'm going to go with an app I don't have. Okay. That I don't use. But I think changed the world.

And all of these, you know, you kind of, you say the one, but you lump it in. No, you know what? Not yet. I'm going to save that. Venmo. Oh, good one. Venmo. PayPal a little bit.

Cash app now. Sure. But when you say Venmo, Venmo won the Kleenex war. Like you Venmo someone. You know what I mean? Cash app a little bit. Venmoing people, you know, forever saved. Like we don't have to split up on

55 cards at dinner we don't have to and it's also not real money well that's the best part that's the best part it's like a free it's like a little savings account you might stumble into sometimes i always just say i'll venmo you and i'll tell you what a lot of time i don't not because i'm being cheap not because i don't want to it's just like I forgot to do that like I forget to do everything else right and guess what the person who's supposed to get it they forgot they forgot too yeah and that's just a free meal dude's got free drinks I told Casey that uh yesterday we're getting drinks I left early and I was like just let me know what the bill is I'll I'm never gonna get I do miss though with your friends it's I always liked better like you get

the bill this time I'll get it tomorrow you get time, I'll get it tomorrow. You get it Thursday, I'll get it Friday. And, you know, that's effectively Venmoing, you know? That's what I – It's just Venmo back and forth. It's so stupid. Right. No. But to Venmo strangers or, like, you know, fringe friends where it's like, you're not going to get me back tomorrow.

The next time we're going to hang out is, like, six months from now. Right. So I've got to send you, like, $100 now. Otherwise, you know, I put you out. So Venmo would be my big one. And then this is the one that I was saying I don't have but I think changed everything Tinder

I think Tinder was the first acceptable like we're just gonna fuck app and then you know since then it did make it very normal

like Match.com like if you were on Match.com you were a weirdo like looking for love and you were gonna get mad eHarmony

and I learned very late that all those were like eHarmony is the Christian one like they have like heavy religious undertones on some of those oh really yeah eHarmony. And I learned very late that all those were, like, E-Harmony is the Christian one. They have, like, heavy religious undertones on some of those. Oh, really? Yeah. I did not know that.

E-Harmony is a big time. I knew J.D. was obviously one. Yeah, the Jews were a little heavy-handed with it. The other ones were a little, like, under the radar. J.D. was like, do you wear little hats and like to have anal sex? What's up? I'm Rebecca. With a K and an H.

Rebecca with a K and an H who will definitely fuck you. You can fuck that girl in the ass on the first date. Matzo ball soup. Matzo dog and you're going to fucking do anal, man. But Tinder was like they normalized like, yeah, we're just fucking. And I mean, I've never

been on any of those apps, so I missed the boat on that one. That's what it was. It was the normalization of it. That's what it was. That's what Match. It was the normalization of it, but Match.com was the same way. I had a buddy who his uncle was on Match.com, and he's like,

I just smashed. He's like, I fuck four out of five times a week. I go on a date every night. Four out of five times I close. I can't believe. I was like 13. I was like, why are you sharing this information sir what i i think um

i think it's i think it's stopped for the most part i think there's probably still a little bit left but the internet dating stigma was around for a while and i never understood it like everything you get everything else on the internet why would you not yeah, why would your sex life not be affected by the internet too? I remember I was very surprised. The first person I ever met who, she was, she worked at my high school. And she was a very pretty woman. And she met her, she was a younger person, a young teacher. And she met her fiance or husband, I forget if they were married at the time or not.

And she had met him on Match.com. And I remember I was blown away. I remember it used to be like you would lie. You're two hot young people. Why are you meeting on Match.com? That's for losers. That's why people can't find anything. It's like – or people would say like, oh, we just met at a bar.

Like shame about it. It's like, yeah, we're hot and we want convenience. And we just like swiped and got it. I get my food on the internet. I get my food on the internet. I get my entertainment on the internet. Everything else on the internet. Why would I not get my pussy on there? Get that wet-ass pussy on there.

Shit. Start basically whoring yourself out. Yes. You're up to your fourth pick. My number four pick, alarm clock. Which I haven't used in months. Months. Dude, it it's actually awesome i woke up at 10 o'clock this morning amazing yeah that is a that's a thing like natural waking up if you can do that every day i think you're an infinitely infinitely happier person yeah without even realizing well

no so think about how bad it would be think about how bad it would be if you had to wake up like six every morning it is stressful though because every time wake up, there's always like some group message from like KFC Radio or from Nick. I'm always like, you know. What did I miss? Yeah, there's a news story or something. I never think I missed an interview. But then guess what? You realize it's never anything important.

Oh, dude, we talked about this extensively in therapy. It was like, she's like, so what happens if you just don't do something i'm like you got me there bitch nothing i mean i remember it's important to remember that you don't have to it's like she was the one it was her idea to maybe maybe let's chill on the twitter kind of stuff for a while yeah and she's like but like do you ever think what it would be like to just not comment on things like huh no i hadn't thought about that but i also think that's i think we're at a point where we can do that like i i pride myself on like the first like

five years like you know none of us we didn't miss a fucking thing no but it was it was a race to get to a story it was the race to be the funniest the first i think it's more than five it was like for seven years yeah i mean it's still happening but but i finally i got to a point like i remember like francesca would always go on vacation the whole summer, and there would be big news that breaks. Like, I don't know, Eli Manning retires or some shit, and Mike's on vacation. And I remember thinking, like, how?

Doesn't he want to get to the studio or dial in or whatever? And then in recent years, I started to realize it's like, well, I've broken a million news stories on the air we've talked i've i've been first to the blog a thousand times and all right and now if you get there first he gets there first like okay yeah i'll be back like you know in a week or two and then another news story will break i think once you realize how much the world doesn't stop two things the world doesn't stop and two you don't matter right and when you realize those two things it's like well whatever little amount i do matter i'll be there for the next one or whenever i get back from vacation or whatever your time frame is but you don't have to

be there for every fucking one i've talked about this before on the podcast but the 10 10 10 rule basically changed my life what's that one it will matter in 10 days will it matter in 10 months will matter in 10 years almost nothing even gets past the 10 day threshold. I don't know. That might be too dangerous. I'll become this nihilistic drug addict. I'll just be like, 10 days? That's it. Literally, when you think about it, when you think about problems

and stuff like that. 10 years? Almost nothing gets past 10 days. Nothing has ever 10 days. That will matter in 10 years. Yeah. Nothing. That's a rule for someone who's just trying to convince themselves they don't have to do a motherfucking thing.

Hello, I'm John. Nice to meet you. The alarm clock is good too, though, because having an actual alarm clock is preposterous. Have you ever had one? An alarm clock? Yeah. I still have alarm clocks.

I mean, having an alarm clock. I still do this a little bit with my phone, but the completely irrational fear that your alarm clock is not set when you had an actual clock. I mean, I would check that fucking a thousand times before going to bed, and it would just be like yeah I'm a computer you set me I'm gonna ring at 6am don't worry

but it used to be when was the last time you woke up at 6am probably well I mean there have been like random flights and stuff like that but like regularly waking up at 6am hasn't happened since like my sophomore year of college when I did landscaping one summer

that was the last time I ever did that last but not first hasn't happened since my sophomore year of college when I did landscaping one summer. Unbelievable. That was the last time I ever did that. Last and probably first. Yeah, first and last. Because even my job, maybe it might have been my freshman year of college. My sophomore, junior, senior year, I had the best job in the world. I worked on a sailboat. Yeah.

And it was 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day. Oh, my God. I literally just got that chills. That almost made me cum a little bit. That age, 11 to 9,.m. Every day. Oh, my God. I literally just got that chills. That almost made me cum a little bit. That age, 11 to 9, don't have to wake up early, still can get out on time, and you get paid. Oh, my God. Every night.

I worked every single day for three summers in a row, Monday through Sunday, every single day. It didn't even phase you. It doesn't fucking matter. I'm on a boat. This is what I want to do during the day. I can sleep. I can party.

And I can go out all night, and I can wake up in the morning and be fine. Dude, Mr. Feidelberg told a John Henry story the other day. First of all, you just casually dropped that you were playing for the fucking Team USA in the Czech Republic. That was just a casual little flex. I was like, what is this, the fucking Mighty Ducks here? Oh, so we're over in the Czech Republic playing in juniors.

I was like, what? But Feitz's dad was like, you know. So what year is that? That was my sophomore year of high school, I believe. So what literal year would that be? Do you know? I think I turned 16 while I was there. Or I turned 15 while I was there.

Oh, you mean the year of the captain? That would have been like 2004. Okay. So post 9-11. Because he said, right now in the world, it's a little tense. And people are like, I don't know about Americans right now. I didn't know what he was referring to. But he's like, so, you know, I'm thinking like I got to send my son over there.

And like, I just hope he kind of like lays low and blends in. He doesn't like piss anybody off being an American. And down comes John Henry in Madras shorts, a pink polo with the collar popped, and a cowboy hat. As he was describing it, I'm picturing the infamous Feidelberg High School picture, which we know how big of a dickhead you look like. So I'm going up the ladder of that picture, like, check, check. I did not see cowboy hat coming out. I was like, what? This guy goes to the Czech Republic republic in a cowboy what an asshole

unreal that trip they got hookers and i was too scared to have sex with them that's probably a good bet though yeah see if you don't need to be fucking hookers when you're 15 that's like you're a changed man at that point that was we went to that's pandora's box literally a chick named pandora that you don't want to be in it It was called Darling Cabaret, which is like the strip club there. And, dude, that was such a funny trip because, one, first of all, we found out Darling Cabaret was like right next to the hotel we're staying in. And then we called them, and they were like, yeah, we'll come pick you up in a limousine right now.

If you had like eight people, they'd pick you up in a limo. Well, we have a whole hockey team. So come on down. And just throw her around the corner of the place. Yeah. And it was like, but the, I i got a lap dance lesbian lap dance there for my again whether i turned 16 there or 15 there i forget but like they i had braces and the whole shebang and lesbian strippers or strippers who were acting like lesbians took

off my shirt and just started sucking my nipples like in front of my team and i was just like this is i don't even really know any of you guys like it was like it was like a childhood team we grew up with like right we all met like three weeks ago at training camp it was i don't fuck you up i don't fuck you up good man it was the um what was it too the uh the last night we were uh we were there at like 4 a.m like we had like a 6 a.m. flight kind of deal. And we were just spending the night there. And my buddy called his mom and was like, I need you to wire me money right now because I owe a stripper money. And she's like, what time is it? He's like, it's 4 o'clock in the morning, Mom.

I just need the money. Questions later. Money now. Nick, is this my fourth pick? Where are we at? You're on five. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm going to have to go with. I'm down to two in my mind. Now I'm down to three in my mind. Here are my thoughts. Here are my three. One is Instagram. For, I mean, that just changed the world as far as like hot chicks.

And it's basically like a dating experience. I resent Instagram. Instagram killed the it girl. Right. So I actually, that's making me lean away from instagram because instagram i never did the dating apps but i do fuck around on instagram so like i will that has directly impacted my life but i i miss the days of like local smoke shows where i mean like it just it just i really think instagram was not good for the world as a world that's already materialistic and shit you just realize that there's just like so many hot girls

like girls that I used to think from high school who were like this is the prettiest girl I'm ever going to meet and I was like you're kind of like mediocre and that actually happened when I did local smoke shows which was like Facebook and shit and then Instagram just took that to the next level so alright Instagram out even though I Megan because of Instagram Megan Fox

is the last it girl that will ever be hot. Yeah, I agree because if there's a girl who's hot now, you can be like, yeah, that girl's hot, but have you seen like Miss Bikini Bum Bum on Instagram? It's like, okay yeah, but is she mega famous or is there a reason why? Even like Ratajkowski, like Ratajkowski is still like probably the

hot girl, but she's not an it girl. She doesn't get like, it's not, she might do spreads, I don't know, but it's not like when Megan Fox did FHM. It's not like when Marilyn Monroe did like fucking whatever. It's not when Pamela Anderson did her shit.

The it girl isn't a thing. But I mean, I'm sure those girls, I'm sure Summer Rae is like, I don't give a fuck about that. I'm the it girl on my app and I got 100 million followers. They make more money than the it girls did, but it wasn't for us. It's not an iconic thing anymore. Alright, so Instagram's out. So I'm down to my final

picks. It would be between let's call it like Postmates, DoorDash, some sort of food delivery, and Spotify for music. Oh, that's a good one. Because whether it's Apple Music or Spotify, music on my phone is one of the most important things. But delivering food keeps me alive.

I've given this take before. I don't know if I did it on this show. I don't care for the apps anymore. The delivery apps? I've finally accepted that. I never had an enjoyable meal. Well, they're not good. There's a reason, historically speaking,

that the only two meals that traveled were pizza and Chinese food. Because they're still the only ones that travel. You get Mexican food, you get whatever. It's like, this is cold and sucks. Yeah, the soggy fries. It's like, don't get me wrong, I use the apps to order pizza and Chinese food, but I basically just get

pizza and Chinese food now like I basically just get pizza and Chinese food now that's it yeah I mean I still I'll still get like Italian like chicken dishes those don't

that's not a big deal yeah those are fine chicken pommes chicken frances shit like that anything with bread anything that can get soggy that's tough

wings are terrible you ever ordered Chick-fil-a comes just wet it's soaking just drenched it's just like does it rain

soggy fucking bun. Because that's how that shit fucking works. Same thing with Wendy's. Wendy's is the same way. Wendy's, you get a chicken sandwich, it comes in one of those heat packs or whatever the fuck they are. It just becomes a fucking ecosystem. Yeah. Remember when we used to make

it rain inside those two liters? Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of. It just pulls up and drips down. So here's my thing. You could use could use to order food you call a place and get delivered this made it more convenient but it didn't like make it possible music like i used to love having an ipod i used to have like a second fuck like a device that just had like 10 000 songs on it i would have all like sorts of playlists all that shit so i could like both of those things could still happen, but I'm going to give the edge to Spotify.

Spotify. Yeah. Because I, because of like new music, because of like curating playlists, because of like, you know, you listen to this song,

you might like this song. I've actually found a lot of songs. I like that. I would never have found because of that. Really? See, I actually, you know what?

I'm I, I resent Spotify as well. Cause, um, me and Dante were arguing about this the other day. he was like, he's like, what happened to you, man? Like, you used to be like the music guys. Like, we were on a blackout tour. Like, you'd be teaching me like new songs and new guys.

When they killed the – like the illegal downloads killed that. Yeah. Well, it was like – that was when we were like – at least I was like, it was the golden era of blogs, of music blogs. Right. Where I would check hype floats. I'd check fucking this song Slaps or whatever it is. They were probably like four. All hip hop.

Yeah. Like every single day. That was part of my daily routine. Fresh new tracks. Fresh new tracks. FNT, yep. But those all stopped when you couldn't do those share beast links anymore. Right.

Those guys all started getting hit with like copyright illegal shit. they stopped and then it was like we're all just at the nursery of like when the people put the music out so i'm not gonna like scour the internet anymore yeah and it was like like that made it like fun like there was a hunt oh yeah and now at first or like a reference track where it was like this isn't even the real one that they're gonna release but like i know it already and you could download it that put it on an ipod and like play it i was like the music guy where it was always the original aux cord type shit

and now everybody is because everyone has access to it now I don't care I listen to the first four songs on New Music Friday and that's about all I listen to every week you just kind of reminded me how much better the world was pre-Spotify it's like convenience over it's like quantity over quality like music used to be like

more of a thing to me but now i just like it's just like bam i have it someone asked me to put on wet ass pussy i've got it like it's just never a thing you know that's why that's why i i i wouldn't say rediscovered my love for music. I was never like... I mean, I guess according to Dante, I never thought of myself that way. But according to him, I was like the music guy, despite him being a DJ. I was like, yeah. Maybe you should be the music guy. I was doing your fucking job for you.

But the records and albums have made it more fun. You fucking hipster. I'll sit there and I'll look because all the lyrics are in it it and it's a cool artwork and stuff like that yeah and it's because more just tangible like when my dad asked me that question he and he's asked me that before and i was like dude i don't even i couldn't even tell you three songs on like my favorite album like i could but the ones you have vinyl on you could um? I could do better at it, yes. But Juice WRLD is one of my favorite albums of the year. I don't know if I know four songs on it.

Just the title of it. You would know it if you heard it. You'd sing the lyrics and shit, but you don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn. Yeah, I'm thinking of it right now. I don't know if I could name four songs on that album. I've listened to that album a hundred times.

Right. But it's just in my pocket. That's why it's kind of ruined. Yes, it's made it convenient but lessened like it's, you know, special uniqueness or whatever. So, then on that note,

I'll just stick with it. Stick with Spotify? Spotify, yeah. I was about to say, I thought there was maybe a porn app but I still just go on the internet.

Yeah. Last pick for fights. Okay, number five, Google Calendar. If it wasn't for google calendar i would be absolutely lost every single day of my life it's like it's like a weird thing i guess we're like this stage of our lives now or like we have interviews and like yeah i don't know things to do responsibility right like where it's just like that like no it there was so much time where it was just wake up blog.

That's it. I didn't need a calendar for that. Right. It just happens every day all day. It's every day, bro. Right. When there's nothing, when your life doesn't change, a calendar doesn't matter. Right. But now, like, every night before, the last thing I do is check my calendar.

First thing I do when I wake up is check my calendar. I don't even want to check email that much anymore. Oh, I never check email. That's bad. I'm still getting emails. The world didn't stop. Breaking news news the world did not stop sending emails i just stopped checking and i i used to never miss an email uh like texting is the new email if you need me you have to text me because i'm not logging texting is a new email and that's why i hate texting

yeah because it's the way to get you because it is say texting is 100 new email and i think it's like an old-fashioned thing to do. I'm back on calling. Call me. You want to talk? Call me. Don't fucking text me. I'll read your text.

I'm just not going to reply unless it's like something pressing. You're such a catty little bitch. Why? You can text me. I'm just not going to reply. If it doesn't deserve a reply, I'm not going to reply. Just to do it. I'm like, I'll read it.

I'll let this conversation end right fucking now. But people always say the first thing they do when they check their phone is check Twitter. Or the first thing they do when they wake up is check Twitter or their email. The first thing I do every time I wake up is check my Google Calendar to find out what I have to do that day. Your list is so responsible. I know.

Which is very funny. I got fucking apps and shit. You're like, these are things that come stock on the phone because it's a necessity. Steve Jobs is like, every motherfucker needs these. Yeah, it is. There's a reason why. There's a reason why they come loaded. They're what keep me alive.

There's no doubt in my mind that without alarm clock, Google Calendar, and maps, I would be fired and homeless. Yeah. That's just a homeless yeah that's just a fact this is a fact yeah this literally saved your life yeah i'd be the guy doing chin-ups fucking people's faces all right let's get into our uh oh man you know what i just i just looked at this sheet and i'm just thinking about because Akon's on later and thinking about like scouring for old music, like finding an Akon song. That's like mining a Bitcoin. Yeah. Have you found an Akon joint first?

I mean, you had clout. You had social clout. Did you hear the new Akon? What's the best song you ever taught people about? Oh, that's a great question. I actually have a fucking answer ready to rock. What do you got? I, we, when I used to go to the bar when I was like 15 or 16 years old,

we used to go to this place called Scholars on North Avenue. And it was the best. And they let all these kids in. It was like $10 all you can drink. And it was the best. And they let all these kids in. It was like $10, all you can drink. And had a really fucking good DJ. I don't even know who this dude was. Honestly, if you DJed at Scholars on North Avenue from like 2001 to 2005, get at me. Because you're probably the best DJ in the fucking world.

He played, yeah, Usher and Lil Jon. Oh, yeah. Like real early. And we were all like what the fuck is this shit and so i guess i never like found that one because i heard it at a bar but i remember like when it started to like pop off we were like oh yeah like we know this shit which is the best feeling in the world ones that i found um there's definitely a couple what did I find there was two right back to back Tayo Cruz

Fast Car Fast Car is my favorite Tayo Cruz song is that Tayo Cruz but Dynamite was a big one and right around then Flo Rida did Club Can't Handle Me right now and those two came out and were just like the fucking

party songs and I had that we had that so early I felt like a rock star just having, can you imagine making that music just finding it I was like fuck yeah imagine if I sang it dude this one, I'm gonna play it

this one we were going to maybe Atlantic City. We were going to a blackout show, and I was doing the aux cord in the car, and Dave was with us. And Dave was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like. I can't even think of what genre this is going to be because of that. It's like pop EDM. Am I going to know it just by hearing it, or it i don't think it's still like a diamond in

the rough sort of thing i think i think i don't know i wouldn't say a diamond in the rough because it's the wanted it's like a pretty popular like boy band yeah i remember that it's like a remix yeah and like they was like daunted this goes in the set tonight it was like and then it fucking burned the place down but this song oh these fucking boy bands yeah i still don't think i know this this music had such a period it had such a run every song sounded exactly like this but they were all bangers. Yeah, I mean.

This is just like MDMA, sex, booze, let's go, happy, happy living. Yep. No problems. I don't have an alarm clock. I don't have a Google calendar. Nothing matters. When the beat's going to drop, we're going to fuck. God.

To be young again. Woo-hoo! This is making me feel better. This song fucking fucks. That gummy bear is ripping out of your ass. Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Woo!

What a jam! This makes me... What's it called? Heart Vacancy. This is... It's a remix of Heart Vacancy. This is hard. It's a remix of Heart Vacancy? Yeah. Yeah, because I know Heart Vacancy, but it doesn't sound like this.

Look at these little fucks. Look at these little fuckers. These are just TikTok boys. Right, right. They don't have an app. What a bunch of fuckers. Yeah. I mean, it's an absolute jam. What a bunch of fuckers. Yeah.

I mean, it's an absolute jam. I literally feel significantly better than I did five minutes ago. That's why at the end of the day, I'll put Spotify on because music can do that. Oh, God. It does. It can absolutely change your mood for sure. Let's do a little voicemail. Voicemails is brought to you by PodSites. PodSites, the leading podcast attribution partner.

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Go to podsights.com to learn more. That's P-O-D-S-I-G-H-T-S podsights.com to learn more. Let's do a little voicemail. Yo, KFC, what's up guys? I was just listening to your episode with Steve-O, and he was talking about when he

got paid $200, the goldfish, and one of my buddies actually did that, but he did that for free. And I was just wondering, what Steve-O, like, jackass stuff would you do for free? And what would you do for money? Eat a flaming hot gummy bear. Apparently. Fucking apparently. I'm not big on this shit.

That's why, I mean, I was really dreading that because I don't do these things usually. I was never the, like the the like the part like this guy's gonna jump off the fucking roof or like he's gonna set something on fire like everybody look and watch i was always like i'll watch the guy do that i'm somewhere in between yeah you are i can you know i would do it occasionally but i wasn't like it wasn't like i was the guy to do it you know what i mean like there is like that guy who does it i wasn't that guy but i would join i remember thinking like, when old school came out, I remember thinking, there are Frank the Tanks in this world.

There are Mitch Martins in this world. There are, what's Vince Vaughn's character? I forget. Bernard. Bernie, whatever. Whatever. But you get my point. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I remember being like, I'm a Mitch Martin. Like, I'm in the crew, but I'm not going to be known for, like, the partying. I'm not, like, I'll have my moments like Mitch did, but I'm not going to be for like the partying i'm not like i'll have my moments like mitch did but i'm not gonna be like the guy you know um i wasn't i don't know which one of those three i am i'm like again i'm like a mix i think i'm a mix of a mitch and frank yes because vince vaughn is like the guy in your crew who like rents the house and plans the party and like you know he's like we're gonna have sand in this place boy band ass all that shit he's actually responsible he doesn't use his responsibility for good but he's like i'll get

this shit done for you guys frank's just like a belligerent drunk and mitch is like kind of like the timid like i'm i'm with the cool guys i'm hanging out but like i'm not really the center of attention yeah that's definitely you together like the belligerent drunk mixed with like the shyness you just don't have the ambition of Vince Vaughn there. But Frank, he's going to do the beer bong. Come on, we're going streaking. All that shit. I was like, no.

You might end up in bed with me. I'm Mitch Martin. It's not good. But it's not going to be like, wow, wow, look at this guy. And all those jackass stunts are that. Intention craving lunacy. Yeah. The answer, which one would I do. Yeah. I, I, I,

the answer, which one would I do right now? I got, I don't really remember. I would do like the paper cuts. That would be the last one on my list. I, I, I would let me paper cut your lip.

I guess I forgot about the lips. You would let me paper cut in between your fingers with a vanilla folder. Now that you're older than me, too. I mean, I just got the chills all over again. The gummy bear's coming back. That is arguably the worst thing that they did. Yeah, but I can deal with pain. I have a high tolerance for pain.

Yeah, yeah. I can't deal with gross. Nick, I watched a bee fly and land on John's hobbit feet. And it crawled in and out of his toes. And I was about to be like, yo, dude, you got a fucking bee on your foot. And then it flew away. And John's foot was bleeding.

And he was just like, nah, that bee bit me. And I was like, it stung you. It didn't bite you. And his toe was bleeding. And he didn't flinch. He didn't move. He didn't break stride in the conversation.

It's like, something's wrong with this fucking guy something's wrong with you yeah i guess i could give you paper cuts in between your toes you wouldn't feel shit apparently the i don't know i don't know why like it's not like i lived like a hard life but i've just always had a pretty high tolerance for pain uh but so like it's when your parents wouldn't take you to the hospital for the broken ankle that's when it started that's what it was but like the gross out stuff i couldn't do i couldn't do any things eat things yeah that's what i couldn't do i could i can take a beating yeah i can't i can't do like they're like i don't know like have shit flying around the like the be in the porta potty with the bungee cords no no yeah i mean i can't do any of it i'm not gonna eat anything

i'm not gonna take a beating i uh i don't want to take any small beatings i don't do any of it. I'm not going to eat anything. I'm not going to take a beating. I don't want to take any small beatings. I don't want to take any big beatings. All of it would cost money. I'm not doing any of that for free. Everything would cost a lot of money. Drink a goldfish, like $10,000 minimum. That much? Maybe not.

You put the money on the table. We can figure it out. I'm pretty sure I've done the goldfish too, by the way. Your brother! Can I tell the story? Yeah, can i tell the story yeah yeah bro benny fights is we're sitting on this fucking tennis court and this gigantic i guess like cicada yeah probably it looked like a cockroach with wings like a cicada whatever is crawling on the ground at us and he's clearly got a busted wing so he can't fly anymore. And we're like,

Benny's like hanging out with them. Somebody nicknamed him George. It was like he's part of the crew now. And Benny like puts his hand down and this fucking thing crawls up on it. And Benny's like playing with it and looking at it and put it on his beer can.

It looked like the guy was drinking beer. We were joking around. Like we got a new member of the crew. And then someone was like, eat it. And he just fucking did it. It took one person saying, eat it.

And it was like, I thought he faked it. I thought he was so slick with it that he like threw it or like put it down and we didn't. And he was like, he just like chomped a couple of times and then was like, I'm done with it. And I was like,

you didn't really fucking do that. Did you? And one of his sisters was filming and it it on slow-mo i mean he just i mean this was a chunky yeah this was not like a little like you know he just chomped on a a a dry what are those uh like freeze-dried um crickets crickets no no no no chocolate grasshopper no no this was a juicy chunky proteiny hakunaata, Timon and Puma fucking bug. And he's like. This was the smallest amount of beer pressure.

It was insane. We were born in that, though. That used to be our punishment for losing beer pong. You had to eat moths. And it was. Well, yeah. That makes sense that he ate a moth. You guys have been doing this for years?

Oh, forever. Yeah, it was like. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Feidelberg? You had to suck a moth off the wall if you lost beer pong. How many moths were there? Dude, Graham's house has like tons of moths all on one side of the house. Like, it's like, there are lights. And it was always at Graham's house.

And it was like. But that was, that's one of those. I'm not downplaying it, but it was one of those moths that fly to a flame. Not like a big, thick one. There were times where it would still be fluttering in your mouth and you'd try and chew it fast. Oh, what is it?

John, the question we just did was, which are the jackass things? You're like, I can take a beating. You used to eat the moths. That's a bug. I can eat a bug no problem but it was like oh when you would lose and you like like if you like got like right off the table and you had to like find a big one and it was like oh this is gonna suck and you so you call it sucking moss and you had to i mean it's like a fucking rocket science figure that one out and you're like like, oh, boy, here we go. Oh, my God.

You try and chew as fast as you can. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. That is so gross. It is really gross. I learned so much about true love this weekend, though. His girlfriend was like, that is fucking disgusting. We're never hooking up again. Like a minute later, she grabs him and just put a big kiss on his mouth.

That's a woman right there. God, that is disgusting. Yeah, it was so gross. That is some shit. Like, yeah, like, even when I was. It was like, not only did we used to do it all the time for beer pong, but then, like, later in life, we, like, used it to, like, initiate people into, like, you're not in our crew unless you fucking. Oh, my God. Unless you eat a moth.

Never be in a crew. Like, fuck your crew. I'm going to go find a moth. Oh, my God. I would never be in your crew. Like, fuck your crew. I'm going to go find a crew that doesn't play the game sucking moths. That's the crew I want to roll with. The guys who don't suck moths. Shit. Actually, I'm in perfect position right now. I don't want to jinx that because you guys are just going to get bad ideas.

Joining, like, late in life when people are done sucking moths, joining a sucking moth crew is a great idea because y'all are fucking hilarious, but I'm not trying to suck any moths. Link up with them when they're done with their sucking moth phase. Shit, that's gross. Next fucking question. Add that to the list of like, I can't believe that took 10 years.

What's up up KFC? Fights. Super producer DC. Got a little am I the asshole for you? So, am I the asshole for making fun of my girlfriend for not having an asshole? So what I mean by that is she has

ulcerative colitis. So basically that means she had to have her rectum removed. She had a colostomy back for a little while got that removed so we're all good there uh but i saw a meme on instagram and it was a guy that had like a snowball above his head and it was like we're gonna throw it at a girl and it said above him it said my dick and then above her it said her ass and i sent it to her and i said uh this could be us but you don't have a rectum. And she thought it was funny. She laughed at it.

She had, you know, so that was good. But kind of felt like a dick afterwards, so I wanted to know, am I the asshole for making fun of my girlfriends for not having an asshole? Well, all right, when he started. What does this mean? I got to Google this real quick. What is this called? Like, she's stripped, doesn't have an asshole?

Yeah, I mean, I think if you get your uh you're like if you have a colostomy bag that means like you know you take like your colon and everything out and i think there's no reason to have a hole there what was it called ulcerative colitis yep i mean one of the top google researches i mean that is but you got to put in there like ulcerative colitis no asshole because like you know that's what we're looking at. Yeah, this is all, like, stuff, like, inside you. Like, does she have an asshole that you can have sex with? You're just...

That was my first thought. I was like, you can't ever do anal sex. She probably... She could be an anal queen. If you have an asshole, but it's not, like, a functioning asshole, like, yeah, I don't know. Go ahead, fuck me in that thing all day long. Right? Why? Oh, because you mean there's no way pooping it? Yeah. If you have an asshole, but it's not like a functioning asshole, like, yeah, I don't know. Good. Fuck me in that thing all day long. Right.

Why? Oh, because you mean there's no way pooping it? Yeah. Like, yeah. Listen, obviously, there's some like some uncomfortability there. But I think a lot of times people are worried about having a catastrophic shit event. If it's just like, yeah, that thing is fucking clean as a whistle because there's nothing in there. She definitely has an asshole.

I mean, I don't know. Like not having a rectum is different than not having an asshole. Asshole, yeah. Do you have a hole? Does it just seal up after a while? If you don't have an eye, your face just grows over your eye hole. What? Yeah.

If you lose your eye, you'll eventually just have flesh over your eye hole. What are you talking about? I might have made that up. The, like, so what do you, like, God, I'm so stupid. It might remove the opening in some cases. I think so, yeah. Because it's like you don't need it anymore. So I just had to open it.

She just doesn't shit? It goes into a bag. But then he said he's got rid of the bag. So I don't know what happens there anymore. I know, I mean, the colostomy bag is just like your organs are on the outside now and it's in the form of a bag. She definitely has to poop. Like, if you don't have a colostomy bag, then where are you pooping?

I mean, I don't know. You barely do. Yeah, I don't know. This might have to be a callback. Yeah. We haven't unveiled that again. We haven't unleashed that again. We might have to clarify.

And by the way, when he started and was like, am I an asshole? Like, my girlfriend had a disease where she needed this removed. And that's about to be a very harrowing experience for a girl. Oh, no, I disagree. I started out being like, yeah, you're an asshole. And by the end of it, I was like, that's pretty funny. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's a good meme. You can't be an asshole if you make a good joke. That was a good joke. Funny is funny. And if she laughed at it initially, then that's the initial reaction. That judge is ruling. You're not an asshole. 100%.

100% not an asshole. Because, I mean, yeah, funny just trumps all. If it was a bad joke, it was just like, hey. Well, or bad time. Like if she had just gotten the surgery or she's had her bag sitting on her hip. And if someone's colostomy bag just spilled all over the restaurant floor or something and you're like, hey, you don't have an asshole. Probably not the most tactful time. I think that's the time you need to do it.

We got to lighten the mood. Sorry it sorry everyone she doesn't have an asshole that's like gonna get up and announce it like fucking Mrs. Doubtfire it's just like we're making a scene here let's really lean into it I guess help is on the way next next hey guys this is Patrick from Louisiana

nobody cares two quick things one for each of you guys first off the sound clip of you talking about that vlog about Chris Berman masturbating with Chris Berman literally never laughed harder in my life. I've said that to every person I know.

It is a shame that I have like three fucking recruits at this point. I can't see. I've realized that at this point, I have started telling stories in the same way that you fucking tell these stories. And anyway, my question is, would you rather have everything for the rest of your life be insanely spicy or for the rest of your life you are starving no matter what you eat?

I mean, this is very apropos. I think this answer would have been different yesterday. I think it's a changed one today. No, I think mine's the same. It's spicy. I actually like spicy food. I just don't like things that are 900 million times hotter than a fucking jalapeno. I think the caveat here has to be it's spicy i actually like spicy food i just don't like things that are 900 million times i think the caveat here has to be it's pretty spicy food it's pretty i like pretty spicy food

it's just again not kevin the number was 900 million times i'm pretty sure that's what it was nothing in the world is 900 million times something else that is just i mean i believe it based on how fucking hot it was but not i'm pretty sure that i'm gonna go get a box i'll be right back maybe there's no way it's 900 million that's almost a billion john i would have said that's a billion times hotter than the hottest pepper i think i think i think it was like a conversion issue i think it's like i think it's like nine maybe it's like 900 million on the scale but that means it's only 900 900 9 000 times hotter whatever it was it's ugly but i don't think it's 900 million times hotter than the hottest pepper that little motherfucking gummy bear that little fucking thing that little bitch that thing packed such a fucking punch it ruined an entire office he combined the two numbers yeah

okay there it is what is it it's 900 times hotter than a jalapeno which is a million on the scale yeah it's scoville rating is nine million okay you combine some numbers yeah yeah it's it's 900 times hotter but it's rating is a million on the Scoville. So you just Googled that, huh? Yeah. You didn't need to run. You didn't need to run, huh? Yeah.

It is. Okay. Signature 9 million Scoville unit chili extract, making it 900 times hotter than a hot dog. Dude, I literally get chills just thinking about this and hearing about it. It rolls right down my fucking back. What's the last stab? Because we have that. Yeah. Let me get the hot sauces. I think it's right behind you.

Thank you. I was thinking about Sean Evans the whole time we did this because Sean, in one form or another, does this all fucking day for his show. That's his thing. The last dab from first we feast. This is like the hot ones

sauce. I don't know if it has any information on it. I'll look it up. Yeah. Is it hotter? Not even close. Not even close. Yeah, I was going to say, I remember doing a little finger of this,

and I was like, this is not so bad. The Scoville rating is 2 million. For this? Yeah. Oh, wait. So that is higher. Right? What's the Scoville rate on this?

Nine. What? That's nine million? No. Okay, nine million Scoville. So this is... The little fucking bear is four times this?

Yeah. Four and a little bit? I mean, I'm ready to drink this. I mean, this ain't shit now. Fuck you, Sean Evans. You ain't shit now Fuck you Sean Evans You ain't shit I mean that's not gonna be fun Child's play

Totally regret that Yeah oh you're big time gonna regret that Totally regret that You still win Sean You win this time But I mean like nowhere close To that little fucking gummy bear So If for me Like, nowhere close to that little fucking gummy bear.

So, for me, if the caveat is, like, that it's uncomfortably hot, I don't know if I can do that. But the idea of always being hungry. I mean, always hungry. You're always hungry as it is. But I'm also, no. You get pretty hangry. I don't know if I can deal with you. That's what I mean. I get really hangry.

I'm very irritable. You have to pick the, yeah. For the rest of us, pick the spicy. Yeah. I'll't know if I can deal with it. That's what I mean. I get really hangry. I'm very irritable. You'd have to pick the... For the rest of us, pick the spicy. I'll tell you who I hate. I'll tell you blatantly, too. I'm being a dickhead. I know I'm just hungry. You know who I fucking hate? People who get hangry.

Yeah, grow up. It's a couple hours past feeding time. I like Michael Scott in the... You're like a child is what you are. The Survivor Band episode where he's like, been four hours since my last meal. Starting to feel it. I remember with little kids being like,

oh my god, it's 15 minutes past feeding time. It's going to be a problem. Same thing with this fat baby over here. What an asshole. But I say. Yeah, you do own up to it. So that counts. The worst are girls who just don't realize it.

They're like, I just don't know what's wrong. It's like, bitch, you haven't had some fucking cheese in a couple hours. You haven't had your fucking tapas or whatever. Your stupid meal that is on the Instagram right now. Your tapas. I fucking hate tapas, dude. The worst. Fuck it.

I think the world's over tapas. I think so, too. I think that phase is. I think people caught on to it. They're like, this is a racket. The worst. Fuck it. I think the world's over tapas. I think so, too. I think that phase is... I think people caught on to it. They're like, this is a racket. It's just so annoying. I gotta get seven meals right now? Yeah.

I have a hard time locking down one. Oh, no, no. But don't worry. They're cheaper. They're like $16 each. Right. It's like, yeah, it's $10 cheaper than an entree, but I have to order 10 of them. So let's do the math on that one, you dumb fucks.

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over from Philly. I know where this is going. I just listened to the latest pod and got a little triggered by the girl that was faking her English accent. I was born in England and went through speech therapy when I moved to America. So in order to lose my accent because my kindergarten teacher thought that was important. So spoiling a fake English accent is, the easiest thing for me to do. And I literally lost my mind when she called. And when she said the bartender looked at her with big wide eyes and was impressed,

it was probably because he was looking at her with big wide eyes because she sounded fucking ridiculous. Anyway, this brought me to the conclusion of my question. What is the worst thing you've done for someone's attention, um, or people's attention? Um, I just got my like Snapchat memory of a year ago. I was bartending and, uh, was dancing on the bar and obviously drinking too much and walked off the bar trying to, I mean, dancing on the bar trying to get tips and walked off the bar and took the stool down with me and broke two ribs. So obviously I have no room to talk when it comes to trying to get attention and failing miserably. But if you're going to do a British accent accent just know that us brits can tell the

difference fights keep all the good work though we appreciate yours uh fights you can't tell the difference in yours though no that's a pro that's flawless i'm like daniel day lewis i feel like doing uh yeah i was gonna say something that's dead wrong i think my thought was going to be that this is more a girl thing for guys but guys yeah guys guys do mine is probably a podcast twice a week what do i do that's the worst thing for attention uh broadcast all my deep personal thoughts to the world for no reason other than showering attention in a paycheck yeah probably yeah yeah every tweet i mean every every social media post, you know, all that stuff. Yeah.

Buy like 50,000 pairs of sneakers. Like I was thinking I was thinking of it as like romantic attention. I don't think I've ever done anything over the top stupid for a girl. To like woo a girl. I know a girl who jumped off a fucking cliff for a guy. Oh. I know that girl who jumped off a fucking cliff for a guy. Oh. I know that girl. Yeah, you do.

The. I don't. Yeah, I guess I don't really. I mean, like, you could say, like, you know, I've definitely, like. I jumped off a waterfall once skiing to impress a girl. Did not care at all. I just wasn't really like impress i one time i was on vacation and i no this is really not the stupid like the weirdest like the most the most extreme

lengths i've ever gone to for something can you stop it can you please stop it john is whittling a pencil right now dumb big baby he's angry um the the the like the silliest thing i ever did with like involving a chick i was on vacation from work was still when i was at deloitte and i just wanted to hook up with this girl but i didn't want to hang out with her at all and i told her that like i had to go to work and uh i had like a lunch break so i put on like work clothes and went there and like we and then i just went home and i was like this was a lot like i mean i like you know got ready for work to go down there but that was not like woo her that was just like i didn't the anti i didn't want to but i don't think i've ever done the like um i mean i

guess in high school just like hanging around friend zones chicks like you know crying and let them cry about the guy's dick they were sucking that was pretty bad i never did like the you know the fucking like hold the speaker up at the window and like you know i love you gestures but i definitely like giving attention to girls that were not interested in me yeah yeah i definitely done that but i haven't done like the movie cliche things at my point no i yeah i there's never been like i don't think so what's the what's like the male equivalent of like dancing on the on the bar? You know what I mean?

When you're out, there's not... Maybe, have you ever, like, I can do this shot, or I can chug this, or whatever? No, because I can usually do that stuff. Yeah, so I mean, it's like... I'm like Kevin James. Should be good. No, in Hitch. I stay in my lane.

I don't often do things that would be... Well, that's what's funny, is like, what works with girls is not giving them attention and not doing things for attention, you know? But you can't do it too much because then you're an asshole. So when you stay in that zone is when, like, you probably find some success, you know? I haven't had much. Yeah, I mean, you say that, but, you know, more than the average fucking dude who's, like, you know, showing showing up with like flowers and chocolates thinking thinking some grand gesture is going to work when in reality that's probably making that girl puke in her mouth that's probably true you know

because i do know a person such as that and yeah it just doesn't work it doesn't you know it never and it's a shame it should it doesn't it doesn't right i said i've long you're much better person nice guy what i what i say a couple weeks ago nice guys don't always finish last but the asshole always finishes first. Okay. So, like, you can do all that, and you might find the girl, and then you're probably wonderfully in love. If you do those things and you find the girl who enjoys that. But the average dude who's like, I'm not buying you chocolates and flowers.

I'm going to just spit in your mouth tonight. Oh, my God. You know? I mean, Jackie, didn't you even say this when you first came on? You're just to like assholes who are in frat and frats she actually went to class yeah but um you said the flowers thing and uh i just had a tom time hop thing pop up oh no i can see you being a big romantic gesture guy yeah no i'm i'm gonna get texts about this i already know it um just get out ahead of this one yeah no i definitely was drunk and thought i picked these flowers to put in this girl i worked with mailbox and uh

there were weeds they were they were trash weeds wait did you say it's a girl you work with now no no no this was back in iowa oh okay yeah so you just put like dandelions and fucking like trash in their butt. Pretty much. When keeping it romantic goes wrong. That's fucking hilarious. That was known as a total neck move amongst. I like that. I like that. Pull the neck.

I wish I had a better answer. I wish I did something, you know, stupid once. Yeah. I really got nothing. I don't think I've ever been like i mean you're talking just the two most apathetic people of all time you know one time i got i got one but it really worked like really well so i mean who's really the loser here uh a girl left her heels at a bar like she changed into like flip-flops or something like that. I went and got them. We were supposed to hang out later and I showed up with them.

It worked to perfection. I had to go all the way downtown to this bar that was barely open. I don't think that's crazy. I think it's like... I went above and beyond. I think that's where you want to live.

I don't want to come across here as like don't ever do nice things for girls like fuck that you know like especially if you want to like i actually do mean that if you're just trying to fuck if you want to like be in a relationship or just have like a nice fucking some sort of cordial relationship with a person even if you're hooking up with them do some nice things for them uh but i think that's definitely a good way to go but i think like the things from the movies are like from the movies you know they're not really real

like this girl was like fuck I forgot my shoes there last night I was like I'll grab them yeah just like a nice thing and she appreciated it

and then I did too so let us know what's the most embarrassing thing you ever did let's get into our interviews we'll start with Akon I don't want to

spoil it but I do need I feel like I just need people to understand this so you listen. Akon has created a city, okay? He's created a city. He's called it Akon City. It sounds like something from Arrested Development, like Joe Bluth, like, check your rent, man, because you're living on Fuck Mountain. You're living in Akon City, and it's just a – not yet, but it's going to be a fully functioning modernized,

it's Wakanda. And he explains this on the interview, but he's building Wakanda in real life. Akon might be the most impressive, like 20 minute, like from, from having one conversation with person, I've never been more impressed. Yes. From going from like, I thought you were just a great singer. I'm already impressed with you to going to like can you run america for me please because you are you said that fucking as soon as the interview you just texted yo i'm voting for you got my vote and as you'll hear it's really not even that big of a joke uh acon is brought to you by babble learning a new language uh is something that's i feel like learning a language is something that like everybody at one point is i mean you did it in quarantine you were gonna

learn spanish i had a friend who was just committed to learning mandarin never did he learned like three words he just runs around going ni hao wo shi li shi mao and nobody knows what that means uh so it's definitely one of those things if you know it if you do speak multiple languages you could be as dumb as a box of rocks but if you speak like multiple languages you're impressive i mean you know i actually don't think you could be like i don't think you can learn that many languages if you're if you are dumb yeah no right you have to have like the aptitude so either way learning a new language is as cocky as it gets uh ain't easy though unless you get something like babble where uh they make it simple to learn a new language gets rid of all the intimidation is as cocky as it gets. Ain't easy, though, unless you get something like Babbel,

where they make it simple to learn a new language, gets rid of all the intimidation. Learning it when you're young is easy, because that's when your brain is working. Relearning new shit when you have old habits and other languages in your brain is, you're going to hit a lot of roadblocks, going to be a big problem, and that's what Babbel fixes. It's proven to get you speaking a language within weeks.

Think about that. You could have learned. Really? You could have learned Spanish and French and Italian by now. Babbel designs their courses. I'm getting Babbel. Real world conversation in mind, letting you learn every day with practical conversations. That's always good, too.

I remember hearing, you know, like the. I had the worst idea ever on how to learn, by the way. Well, you were going to read two books. I got an English one. And yeah, what the. They were about like vampires and shit, too, English one and, yeah. What the fuck? They were about, like, vampires and shit, too, right? It was like, I googled, like, best young adult novel. I have, like,

a basic grasp of Spanish, so I wanted to, like, I didn't want to read a children's book. So you did young adult. Young adult novels, and, like, it's like, yeah, I don't even remember what it's about. Alright, so you would have learned, like, you know, the vampires are in the back having sex. Is that useful? I mean, you would have learned, like, you know, the vampires are in the back having sex. Is that useful?

I mean, the joke is always like, you know, El Gato has a hamburguesa in me pantalones. Yeah. It's like, why don't you just fucking learn real shit that we need to say to other people? And that's what Babbel does. Daily lessons from 10 to 15 minutes. They'll teach you words and phrases. Sentences get more gradually complex. Pretty soon before you know it, you're

practicing short combos. These lessons are created by over 100 language experts. They're using speech recognition technology. It helps improve your pronunciation and accent. You can choose from 14 languages. Spench, Spanish, French. Spench, that's a new one. Spench?

It's Spanish and French mixed together. You heard about this? No. Yeah, there's like these regions in Europe where it's like they're very close together. So like French people and Spanish people have been living like in very close quarters, and the languages started to blend together. So there's like a new one just called Spench. Really? No, I made it up. Oh.

It worked, though. It sounds pretty convincing. Yeah, I believe you. Right? I mean, they're very similar languages. They basically are Spanish. Was it Romance languages? Yeah.

Portuguese, Italian, French, Spanish. Portugese is one that I would want to learn. Because when someone says, like, I speak French, I think you're like, okay, you're an asshole. You speak Spanish, it's like, yeah, so does everyone else. Speak Italian, I hate you because you're a guinea. You speak Portugese, and I'm like, oh, yeah, this guy, he's got some shit. 14 different ones to choose from though i don't think i would choose to learn german just sounds angry yeah but who

is it that's still that's still got a little bit of a branding yeah i forget the name of the comedian um he's so fucking funny um but he's got a bit where he's talking about doing a show in germany or whatever and he's like he's like and you know i just he's he's an irish guy and he's got a bit where he's talking about doing a show in Germany or whatever. And he's like, he's an Irish guy. And he's like, I just feel so bad for the Germans because they'll be telling you something. We're like, you know, things aren't going great here. We have the economy is going amazing. We are doing this and that. just going hitler hitler hitler by the way uh we remember like a while back we were talking about who might be named adolf yes so tim dillon was on joe rogan and that topic came up and they

researched it and uh i think it was from the year 2006 so it's a little bit dated but there was 13 adolfs in the world i know one one of them. And Tim was like, how good of a Netflix documentary would that be? Just call it the 13 Adolphs, and you just follow around these 13 people, and just be like, what's your life? Having the name of a fucking genocidal maniac.

The 13 Adolphs would put asses in the fucking seats. You know what else puts asses in the seats? Let me finish this up real quick. Babbel.com. B-A-B-B-E-L.com, promo code KFC. Get three additional months for free with the promo code KFC. That's Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L.com, promo code KFC. Three-month subscription. Get three additional months for free.

Start learning those languages. Become learned and sexy because people like that. Project power, John. You were texting about it last night, right? So I got home last night. I dropped you guys off, and I went right to Kaylin's. I went right to Shea and Keegan. And I'm not – they don't, like, watch TV with me.

I'm, like, the fun one, you know? So they play with me. And they used to play hide and seek hide and seek's all right because i would go hide and they're dumb i would i would legitimately hide like when my mom plays with them she puts like a blanket over her head and she's just standing in you know what i mean when i hide i'm like in the back of the closet like you motherfuckers ain't finding me for 15 minutes daddy's on twitter okay, okay? So hide and seek, I can deal with. They have learned tag.

Oh, boy. They want to play tag now. And I'm like, I am not here for wind sprints. I am not here for lane slides. We are not shuffling the feet, kids. See, I actually disagree, because I love nothing more than juking a fucking child out of their pants. I'm like, I'll fucking, you'll be like, why aren't you in the NFL? Like, when I fuck with a kid,

I'm like, buddy, you're not a taj. I'll spin move around you. I'll fucking hard step. You're it forever, dude. You are never getting me. But I mean, I was tired. I was hungover. We had like a five-hour drive in traffic. Then I go to the kids, and they're just being jerks, and they want me to throw them on the bed. I'm like, I can barely lift you people up.

I said to Casey, like, these kids are going to have to learn who their dad is. They're going to have to, like, read up on some blogs and listen to some podcasts and learn their dad's limitations, okay? Like, you want fucking, we can have witty conversations, Shay. Physical labor, eh, my thing. So, tired as fuck. I get home, and I am, like, it's, like, 730, and I was like, I'm just going to go to bed, I think. But I'm like, you know, you know when you have, like, it's almost, like. And I was like, I'm just going to go to bed, I think. But I'm like, you know,

you know, when you have like, it's almost like too hung over, too tired. You're over tired. Oh yeah. So I get home to a fresh new sheet of half these cookies and I see project power on Netflix.

I didn't, I didn't know anything about project power. I don't think they did a good job marketing this one. I did not know this was coming. Yeah. I definitely, I saw like one screenshot of a scene of the lights camera had them them had joseph gordon levitt in and i remember that he was promoting project uh power oh really so i was like the beginning of quarantine yeah i'm sure you

know like anything else they started talking about inception and all this other shit but like now that i saw it i'm like y'all motherfucking should talk about project power joseph gordon levitt jamie fox um mgk and then the other ones you don't really know but they're good it's like limitless limitless was just adderall this is limitless on steroids like you you turn these pills to activate them and you take them and it gives you like a superpower for five minutes. Or your head explodes. You don't know. You don't know. It's kind of like doing cocaine these days.

Like, you might die of fentanyl. You might have a great night. We don't know. So it's there. I mean, within the first 15 minutes, a person explodes. There's like a there's a great, you know, uh, type of, this honestly should have been, Jamie Foxx does a good job. Should have been Denzel.

This is right in Denzel's wheelhouse of like man who needs to redeem himself with family sort of thing. Um, which by the way, do you, I, I stand, I'm actually, I'm on White Sox Dave side on that argument,

which is not a phrase I like to say, but I mean, Denzel does, he's, he's done other movies where he does show range but like 9 out of 10 you're getting like angry dude who's like good heart but will kill you

for the right reasons I think he has the ability to do range I think he just likes doing a certain kind of movie I mean it's awesome but like John Q is the same as like Man on Fire basically I don't know if I agree with that it's like man

with a righteous cause taking matters into his own hands yeah and then it deviates a little bit from there but like the basic idea is always i mean flight he's got tons of range too yeah i mean i'm not saying he doesn't do it but like the dude from training day is basically the same dude from american gangster which morphs kind of into man on Fire, which becomes a little more family man. It's like a range. You haven't even gotten to Equalizer yet. And then Equalizer is the same exact as Out of Time, I think, right? Or Out of Time is the exact same as Man on Fire.

Out of Time, I don't remember. Out of Time is like a bad version of one of those other movies. There's like time travel involved in that one or some shit. Is that one in New Orleans? I think so and he's got it's got i like that one but but it's got a hot chicken it even mendes me yeah yeah yeah that one doesn't get much play because i think there's a reason i i think it's a good one it's so weird it's an insane concept yeah yeah there is isn't there some sort of time travel yeah yeah that's what's out of time but i think so it goes like like training day al Alonzo, fades into Frank Lucas,

fades into Man on Fire, which fades into John Q, which eventually you get to like, the coach of American, of Remember the Titans. You know what I mean? It's just kind of like a fluid. Yeah, but like, even that,

like, I mean, Denzel's been at it for like 30 years, right? And you named six movies. Yes, those six are very similar. But I mean, he's done a lot of other movies. Done a lot. Done a lot. Done a lot, but... Maybe his more popular movies are those. Yeah, yeah.

His hits. But I also likened it to like when you have a 101 mile an hour fastball, you throw the fastball. Anyway, Project Power. You'll like it. It's so good and bad. And also shout out to the Lights Camera guys who I believe launched what

will be the definitive movie database on the internet i really mean that like have you fucked around on it i i just i watched jeff do it today he pulled me over his computer like tomato rotten tomatoes you go and you get the number and you get the audience and the critics who are assholes and that's it jeff has made this way to like i mean you can pick what services you have which streaming services which cable channels you have what genre within that genre a subgenre with what actors you want with what directors you want that are rated this much or up by the audience from lights camera and it'll generates every movie you need like in a heartbeat it's actually something i talked about at the start of quarantine having that and then there's just a random one but you just click

random just give me a random movie yeah and then it's just like don't i don't have to think anymore but like during i didn't even know they were working on anything like that and it wasn't like an idea i had i just sent somebody sent a tweet being like hey what are some late 90s early 2000s like a specific shitty action movie yes because i'm on a kick right now yeah and like this website would have been exceptionally helpful at that point yes so what i want what i i'm gonna uh give them advice that i'm asking for all their genres are like real genres and all their sub genres are like a little bit less they're a little bit more uh unorthodox but they need like good bad movie yeah like shitty action movie like mocking movies and they weren't like

but they weren't like the movies I was watching at the time weren't like bad movies it was like fucking proof of life which is like yeah

almost like I think they're like almost underrated like Under Siege I did I did but so that's when you could come up with like

I mean I guess that's kind of the idea of like like 70s I've always said my favorite movies and this comes from tomatoes which i'll no longer be looking at because i got this lights camera database they should find movies that the audience score and the uh critics score have a huge gap those are always awesome yeah yeah those are the saving silvermans of the world right it's like if you want to enjoy a movie that would would

make a movie critics head explode here it is so if they can add those in but as they have it right now you few uh pull down tabs and it just generates within a millisecond all the different movies that you know you can recommend it's got jeff's ratings ken jack's ratings the audience ratings from the lights game of barstool very cool shit so what what is the i don't even know the actual um um website that we should plug the actual um address i think it's just like moviedatabase.net or something like that, which is smart to just make it like, you know, it's not like barstoolmovies.com

or like you have to like the website. I think it's like movierankings.net. Done. It's like that's not affiliated with us. That's not, you know what I mean? No one's going to be like, oh, I'm not listening to that. It's just like here is a website of movies, motherfuckers. Movie database. Movies database? Movierankings.net. Movierankings.net. Go check it out. like here is a website of movies motherfuckers movie database movies database movie rankings

movie rankings.net uh go check it out and all right back to akon most impressive interview ever let's go akon what's up dude hey bro how we doing man man i'm doing amazing amazing that's the kind of energy i need today ak Akon. Thank you. How are you doing? I'm fantastic, man. I'm fantastic. I'm thrilled to be talking to you. I'm a huge fan. We are pumped. You're a legend, man. I'm very happy to have you here. Thanks for taking the time. My brother. Appreciate that, man. I mean, I feel like as much success as you had in music, and there's a shit ton of it and we will get to it uh everything you seem to be doing you know in real life uh in what matters seems to be even more impressive but yet at the same

time i feel like people just you know they know you for your hits and they know you for your music um what are you more you know proud of and and does it does it bother you if people aren't recognizing what you've done in africa and what you're doing with philanthropy or uh where do you feel as far as you're both you know both sides of your career are oh no man I'm actually satisfied with everything and how it all how it all went how it was going I think from a music standpoint it was more important to be recognized on the music side of things and I feel like I accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish musically. So I'm totally cool. At this point now, it's all about having fun with the music, exposing certain things from a social standpoint and being involved there musically. But on a philanthropic side, that was never really done to get recognition or let people know that I was doing that.

Seriously. You're breaking it up a little bit on us. I'm going to see if the connection will kind of Clear up for it there But yeah I think you're better now I think you came back in now You good? Let me move to a different part of my house

Maybe that might work out better Okay I do like that part of the house With the ambient lighting and the ceiling though That looked pretty dope Alright how's that is that better? This is better yes sir Let's hope we get better we get better wi-fi in acon city dude well the thing is i'm in the studio uh-huh and the studio is kind of soundproof but it also not

only block out sound but it blocks signals a little bit too so i gotta get close door oh that thank you that is that's good stuff you were saying about the philanthropy that it was never done for recognition and yes I totally get that but recognition's nice because honestly recognition doesn't do anything for me but bring more work the more things I can accomplish low-key the better it's easier to kind of enjoy life a little bit more but i think things like that size is like everything come at you so you constantly you know you're constantly focused on different things that's constantly coming at you and you're super you're just super busy trying to organize around you you know no that makes sense

but i also i mean when i learned everything that you've done i think you do deserve more recognition like when i tell people like did you know akon powers electricity in 15 african countries and that he's coming out with his own crypto city and that he he once like considered seriously running for president people are like what like you know akon like convict music the dude from this song and that song and i'm like yeah man like he does big things you should know that about him but i guess i think you can only do the biggest things when you're doing it for the right reasons so i guess good on you yeah i kind of like that it just naturally you know organically spreads you know and i think when it's like that it also gives you a good you a good deliverable pace at things because by the time people find out, it's almost materialized or already materialized.

There you go. And they notice that it's not really nothing really happening yet. They just assume it's a lot of talk. Again? Again? Again. We're back. We're back now. It's in're back now it's in and out now we got you though uh so so talk to me a little bit about akon city because i mean that sounds like something from a movie it sounds like something from the future but it's this six billion dollar akon literally an akon city with hospitals and buildings and it's all crypto based uh how the hell do you pull something like that off dude i ask myself that every day like

because i didn't realize how much of it was actually growing to become so big it started off as me just trying to create um areas where i can create uh trading mechanisms for a coin you know it's like what's the purpose of having a coin if you can't use it, right? So I think that's a lot of mistakes that a lot of these tech guys ran into. They just had ideas with a coin attached to an idea, but nothing physical or tangible. So my idea was, okay, if I want to create a coin for Africa, I want to be able to utilize every resource Africa has, not only from, you know, the minerals and the, you know, the gold, silver, cobalt and all this stuff mining in the grounds, but

also utilize the, like the, the, the, um, the population and more than anything, all that land. So I went and bought 2000 acres and I said, I'm just going to put a crazy development up here, but I want to, um, the architecture to really feel African. I want it to like, when they come in in it's a whole nother city within itself not what they've ever seen in the movies of past historical african you know footage and stuff like that with jungles and you know and aids and all the negative stuff that they're promoting but something that looks futuristic to where africa can really become and it just so happened around that time as i started the project the movie

wakanda came out and actually the real life music mean, film version of what I was trying to do, you know, just it was mind blowing. But I think because of that, it kind of attached me to the music somehow and was like the real life Wakanda. And I kind of believed that story when it came out. So I just ran with it with him. There you go. That's it. So this has been in the process for like five years? Is that how long you've been working on it? I finally was able to get the full funding of the $6 billion to build the whole city out. We start our first groundbreaking construction in January.

And our first phase will last about three years. It's a three-phase construction project, a 10-year bill. But by the first phase, people will be able to actually come in, enjoy the city, live in it, work in it, and play in it. Now, let's say things...

Are you like the mayor, the king of Akon City? Yeah, well, you can call it the king cause I'm the owner of it, but I want to expand it all throughout the world, but I want to franchise it in other like growing African countries first. And then we're going to Asia. I'm going to go into Latin America. We're going to,

I actually, I've been speaking to two governors here in America. I can't tell you which state yet, but we might even be able to launch some Akon cities here in the U S. So that was, that was what I was going to ask. If things go perfectly, could you do an ACON country if things work out well, but you want to just do ACON cities in different nations?

Dude, if everything goes perfectly, all of Africa will be... ACON, which is the pre-name Africa, ACON. That's unbelievable. I'm going Akon. I'll be there for about a week. It's crazy that it's, you know, it's not a pipe dream and that it's something that's actually materializing.

It sounds like impossible to pull off. I really don't know how you do it. What's crazy is everything seems impossible until you start to go at it. And then you start to realize the more. And you know what? I treated everything, including my business, the way I treated music. It's all collaborations, right? So when I realized, okay, I didn't know that much about what I wanted to do, I started bringing people around me that knew how to start infrastructures,

knew what smart cities was needing and things like that. And I brought in all the professionals and then just paid them what they, what they were worth. And then Fort North, they bring in people that, you know, that bring in another whole side of educational aspect of things that we need. And it just all starts coming together. And then once the ball's rolling, it's like a snowball effect that becomes bigger than you, because now you got big hedge fund groups and, you know, all these, you know, banking, financial institutions that want to now put money into it and pour. And now it's like to the point where it's like, I'm turning people down and investors and all kinds of stuff. Isn't that such an insane thing that it's a crazy concept? Like,

how am I doing well? I hire smart people and I pay them what they're worth. Incentivize them. Yeah. I mean, novel concept. I promise you, it's literally that simple. And I learned that kind of early. And I kind of, you know, because Jimmy Iovine was the first person I feel that paid me what I was worth. And out of it, he got Gaga and all his other stuff, right? So I'm like, dude, if I just pay people what they're worth, I'm going to get what they're worth. Like, it really means you get what you pay for. Like, literally, you get what you pay for.

You can't. If you know that's the best person for the job, dude, I guarantee i guarantee you pay that person what he's worth you're gonna get back 10 times more back that's that's yet again another thing that i don't know if hey you guys what you're worth literally i'm gonna tell him that i'm gonna tell him that that's another thing that i don't know if uh you get credit for the like the Lady Gaga, I mean, she's wildly talented and she was destined to be big in the music industry no matter what. But it really was through you that it all kind of began. And again, I don't think that's something that people necessarily associate you with, but you deserve credit for that as well. Man, listen, the way I look at it, you know, everything that you accomplish, like they say, whatever you do in the dark will one day come to the light.

I think if you work towards recognition and credit, it's going to slow you down. But just accomplish as much as you can, and then all the credit will catch up eventually. Before you know it, one day, God forbid, I leave this earth early, all that will come out, and people will be more shocked. I'll just be more recognizing for longer for the things that I've accomplished. Yeah, you're totally right. But it's nice to have that when you're alive you know everyone wants to hear their eulogy like it must be like acon's the fucking man dude like i'm happy with just knowing it happened like it's cool and everybody knows but it's more it's more honestly more important that i know that i achieved it what was that like

what was the process like with with because you were one of the first labels to sign gaga what was like did you did you discover her so to speak or was it just like you you paid her what she was worth no no actually gaga i was the fifth label to sign oh you were yeah gaga was with five other labels before i picked her up so she she got signed and got dropped and got signed again even more credit to you that means other people had her and had this amazing talent and didn't do it the way you did it. So even more credit for Akon.

I mean, I probably was the first person to ever ask her, what do you want to do? Yeah. Just putting whatever on you, but Jimmy Iovine was just a smart, smart dude, man. And to this day, every time I mention music, he's always a name that I pull forward because I always gave him super credit for giving me the mind to think outside the box when it comes from a corporate standpoint of the music side of the business. And I always said that he threw me a bone with Gaga because Gaga was actually already on Interscope.

He was already on Interscope when I signed my label deal over there. And when I was working with Red One, because they was a producer that I had just signed out of Morocco, we was working with Pussycat Dolls, and I just happened to catch a writer's block and was writing with Gaga, you know? And shit, when I found out she was already building, I picked up the phone and was like, yo, Jimmy, yo, I need this on my label. She needs to be the first act that i push out you know what i mean yeah he was like hell fuck yeah he said all right well i i believe in you take it bro you're like it's like a star is born was based on you you're bradley cooper dude

let's let's talk a little bit about the music um have you been keeping up with over the past couple months in quarantine the uh the versus brand with right okay so i have two questions for you on that front one do you think you could be beaten in versus and two who do you think could go toe-to-toe with you or who would you want to battle with um with versus honestly i could battle anybody anybody akon i think you'd be anybody i think you're untouchable i could battle anybody now the only thing about whether you win or lose i think that's always been a matter of opinion on the person and what taste of music they like you know know what I mean? So I don't feel like anybody loses in verses, but I try to count the real hits.

And like, you know, there's records that are just great records, and you know, okay, it's a smash record. But there are records that are just classics, and there's nothing you can do, no time span that you can play it, and people won't react to it. You know what I mean? But I'm versus, I'm judging off classic records that impacts everybody's lives. And honestly, if I was to go toe-to-toe with anybody in my generation, I don't think there'd be nobody out there that could beat me.

I don't think so either. I mean, especially, you know, now that people are doing what they're doing. You know, I just judge music differently. It's not that I'm being arrogant on that aspect. I just feel like, because me personally, I make music to impact people. So I think if it was on that scale and every one of my records, I did it to impact people. It'd be tough to beat me. And every feature, every, you know, you're getting.

And artists that I've brought into the business and oh my goodness, it'd be crazy. So let me, I also think that the way people win verses is about how they pick their catalog what would you lead off with and what do you think you would close with uh would you come in hot with like what you believe to be your best record what do you think is your best record that's the thing i i don't man i don't even know bro like too many i don't even know. But me, I would come Urban first. Okay. I think Urban kind of sets the tone. And whoever they bring, it gotta be

someone that's diverse like me. Because I don't think there's too many artists that can come with like 10 Urban smashes. Like, I would start with Locked Up and probably end with Soul Survivor. Right? God! That was the two monsters! Start with Locked Up, end with and with soul survivor put i'm so paid in the middle i mean forget about it you can't touch akon we just we just go in between but then

then i would cross it over on him and then they gotta know if they even got pop records to even match you know i mean because they're not going with the mr lonely's and the sweet escapes and just dances i'll be like dude where dude, how are you going to beat me? Just hearing you say it is so wild. You can't be touched, Akon. You can't be touched. I can be touched, but it's going to be difficult.

Who would make you go like, oh, all right, this is going to be, I got to do my homework. I got to really come with the perfect list. It would be Michael Jackson. Jesus Christ. God. homework i gotta really come with the perfect list it will be michael jackson this is where i would get mike though because mike can't go he can't go he can't go hip-hop no right go pop with him but he can't come hip-hop and then i can even cross it even over into afrobeat like if i go into afrobeat and then go into some of these, the Wizkid records and the Davido records and all these records I produce, oh, my goodness. I mean, you sound like you're a pretty humble dude in some regard, though. But what you're describing to me, what you're saying, it sounds like you're like, you think you're the greatest music creator of all time.

No, I'm not saying that. But I can say of my generation, I'm probably the most curious and probably the most, you could say, fearless as far as going genre to genre. Like I just dropped a Latin album just three months ago that went number one on the Latin music charts. And my hip hop audience or my pop audience don't even know anything about it. That's great. i did not know that that's insane you went latin that's fucking awesome right that's crazy like so just imagine if we go into the verses and i start dropping my latin records where i'm actually singing in spanish niggas would be like what the fuck is happening you you mentioned that you make music... You know?

You said that you try and make music that's impactful. What do you think is... What do you feel is your most impactful record? I think one of the most impactful records I probably made... I think Locked Up was very impactful. I think Don't... was very impactful. I think Mr. Lonely was very impactful.

Mr. Lonely would be mine. That was my song. That was unbelievable. Especially, like, I think I was in high school when it dropped, and it was like, you know, we're thinking about two very different things. Like, you wrote it when you were locked up, and your girl had left you, right that's what like that on a general basis i think that was probably the most impactful

record out of all my records if i was to give a chart that would be number one yeah it's lonely it is hey but you ever think like you're you're writing that from a place that is like incredible loneliness where you know you're incarcerated incarcerated, your significant other had left you. And then I'm listening to it and being like, he's speaking to me because my high school girlfriend broke up with me. You believe if you've been through it, you understand. That's why Locked Up was very impactful for my urban space, too, because a lot of people went through it. And if you ain't never been locked up, you know somebody who has. You know what I mean?

So I think depending on who's listening to what songs would definitely like when I was in the Middle East, Don't Matter was one of the biggest records there. Only because there's a lot of arranged marriages in India, in the Middle East, and of course

in America there's a lot of jealousy between when you say couples, right? Somebody may have a girl you like, or a girl may have a guy that she likes, or whatever the case may be. Or parents, like, but in the Middle East and Indian and certain places, parents would always arrange marriages. So you would find people that fall in love, and then they could not even be together because of tradition. But they tried to find ways to do it anyway, and then there'd be huge repercussions that come so because of that i think that was the reason why that region don't matter was just so big that's crazy i never think about that like how impactful music can be to different cultures and things like that for completely different meanings than you meant when writing it but that's that's pretty deep that's very cool do you think that you had global

success uh i mean what about your music do you think is it is that you know pop the way it did i i think that voice of yours is so unique and there's just nobody else like you that you know when you hear an akon when akon comes on a track there's never any questioning like what artist is this it's like i know akon's voice i i think you have one of the most iconic voices alive right now. No, thank you, brother. I appreciate it. I think if I was to give credit to what made me, you know, globally kind of, I can say, relate,

is I would definitely say the voice and the melody. Because like a lot of places where I used to go for concerts and stuff like this, they would never really know the songs, but they would remember every melody in the record. So I always try to find international melodies or melodies that's right in the guidelines of what an audience or a fan can sing. Because most fans can't sing.

They just love the fact that you can sing, but they always want to sing with you, right? So I try to keep it at a key where they can sing with me from top to bottom. If you notice, I've never really had any crazy runs or hit a note that was far out of my reach. I always stay like right there, you know? Hang on a second. Can you do that and you choose not to, or you just

can't go to that level? Oh no, I can definitely go there. Wow. Wow. For the people, you know, so like I always looked at music as customer service, you know, give the people what they want. And I like to create something that I know for a fact they can be able to enjoy and sing along with me. So I'm always thinking from that aspect. And I also think from concert aspect, too. You want the audience to sing with you loudly. So you got to keep tones and keys that you know for sure that they can be able to reach. I think that's a very awesome thing to do. I think a lot of artists, they do want to do it.

And you've done it, I'm sure. You want to kind of do what you want to do when you don't really think about the fans. But being like, I want to cater to my fans, I think that's a rare thing. Yeah. Oh, we're at such a good run. I mean, this is the music business, right? I think most people love the music but forget about the business. They don't – oh, again? No, but we're coming back. We're coming back. It's getting seen back. Let me ask you this question while the connection finishes here.

I read an article before the interview started that said – this was in 2018 – that said you were seriously considering running for president in this election year. Was that true or is that like a clickbait headline or you really had thoughts about doing it? Oh, no, I really had real thoughts about doing it. I even went to the point of registering. I was going to run as a Republican and that was probably going to shock everybody like Republican. And that was probably going to shock everybody, like, Republican? Why? But I had the answers for why I was doing it and everything. And I really thought about it very, very seriously. And then I started building this city and all the other things that's going on with it. And I realized, OK, if I decide to run for president, all this will be on hold. So let me just go ahead and knock out everything I want to knock out. And there's a lot of things

I actually want to be able to do that I just won't be able to do while I'm president. Like, I'm still young. I'm still out there hanging out and having living the time of my life. Tell me your life as a president. Right. Little time my life. These last, you know, legacy goals. Let me complete those. And then the next term, I can just nicely walk into the race. And more than anything, though, I want to understand American politics because I'm starting to realize that politics isn't what I thought it was going to be. It's a lot more diverse. It's a lot more gritty.

It's super gangster. Like, I'm starting to realize just how dirty politics are. And Trump showed me just how politics can be played. If you're not prepared for it, they're going to eat you for lunch. So I want to know exactly how to react to certain things, know how to penetrate and hit them when they don't see it coming. So I'm going to be prepared for it to attack the same way they're going to be ready to attack me. Now, so put like a year on it. What year do you what what election you think you would consider would be time to run? I would say probably either 20.

I'm going to be very, very close by 2024. Wow. But if I'm one inch too early, then I'm going to wait for 2028. Okay. All right. That's soon, though. I look forward to that. You got my vote.

It's within the now and the next 10 years for sure. Wow. You said that you're having the time of your life. What does a night with Akon look like? Like having the time of his life, non-coronavirus time. Oh, I mean, no, dude. I normally would be somewhere in the world on somebody's yacht because I'm always on someone else's boat. I would never buy one, right?

Smart man. Someone else's boat playing loud music and we're probably at a private event where there's some nothing but a whole bunch of beautiful girls and great exotic foods and probably an after party shortly after what are we drinking on this boat i'm drinking shirley temples oh yeah yeah but i think i'm pouring either Grey Goose to someone, or I'm pouring some kind of champagne, whatever they got available. But I've noticed, like, recently, the big thing that's been kind of running on everybody is that 1942.

So I've been ordering an extra 1942 to my parties because all the girls are requesting that now. What a host. How do I get – can I get an invite to one of these parties oh dude that would be amazing i would love for you to come yo don't even joke around you fucking you guys have all right dude we're getting the word to wrap up i just got one last uh thing for you it's so impressive that you're able to do so much of this in music and and otherwise when you know you did have you know a couple speed bumps along the way and some scandals and

some shit you had to work through uh when i and also by the way just for the record i think when you look at look back on it i think a lot of it was overblown and whatnot but nonetheless you had some adversity to overcome um and i think a lot of people would probably be surprised when they hear you and see what you're doing so So just your thoughts on your whole journey and what happened and how you've gotten here now. Oh, yeah. No, like all those pieces, I think, was necessary, man, because they matured me a lot. Believe me when I tell you. And I also feel that there's no way you can reach to the top without going through the turbulence. You have to go and you got to bump your heads a few times and know what's cool, what's not. Because believe me, it only took me one time to react to a hostile fan to realize that every time you react to a hostile fan, you're buying them a house. Houses and cars for them. When they come back with that lawsuit

and you decide, do I want to settle this or do I want to go to court to prove I was right? Even though you might've felt you was right. It don't matter. The fact is once that lawsuit hits your desk, now you got to pay to either get rid of it or pay to defend yourself. And either way, it don't matter. You got to, you don't have to spend money. It really don't matter. Hey, before, before we let you go, Akon, the new EP Ain't No Peace. Did you, how, how long did that take to write?

Was that a quarantine write? No, actually, it's crazy because Ain't No Peace record were pieces of records that I've written just throughout time. You know, I'm always been the kind of artist that went through experiences to write about songs. So a lot of these songs were written way before a lot of this stuff was happening, but I just never had the right time in releasing, whether it was, I was with a label at the time and they wouldn't let me get that, you know, uh, social through my music or the timing just wasn't right. Or I was in a space where I was just, wasn't in a position to release music. But this time I had to put out something. And i got about three songs that's very very current on this album and then the other four are songs that i've written within now and since 2010

but the time has never changed situation has always been the same so the songs are just as relevant now than they were when i made them back then you know yeah that's great that's that's sad that's sad that you know a decade later it's still the same. I listened to the EP today. I love Sweet Love. I love Get Out with Ross. It's fucking awesome. Everyone should go listen to it. It was like, as soon as I started listening to it, I was like, oh, fuck, man. Akon is the king.

He's fucking Ross. As soon as you hear the clink, as soon as you hear the clink, you know what's up. Thanks so much, and continue taking over the world, and I'll be voting for you in 2028 bro no let's go baby let's do it see you on the yacht akon thank you all right shout out to akon um i i kind of i think i was drinking the kool-aid a little bit in the moment because i i am an akon stan and i i will stand by the fact that i think he is

unbelievably well suited to win any versus battle i don't know if he's like untouchable the way we were characterizing it really i mean i just started to think of like other like when he was like michael jackson's the only person i mean that's that's kind of crazy like like i think he would win but i think like him versus t-pain would be like a good battle where sometimes you'd be like oh t-pain won that round yeah so to be like nobody can touch me except michael jackson i started to be like all right well like drake has a lot of hits yeah yeah like drake versus akon you know drake's probably closer to untouchable than and it's weird too it's like you could do like jay-z but like usually with the verses there's

similarity you know it's like you can't lil wayne versus um akon doesn't really make sense you know i think lil wayne makes more sense than most a little more so than jay-z but it's like a rapper versus like this guy's more like a singer and he does hooks and pop songs versus like how are you going to compare that to like bars? You know what I mean? You could do it, but usually it's like an R&B guy versus an R&B guy sort of thing. In that department, I think Drake – I wish in the moment I wasn't just geeking out over Akon. I mean he gave his reasoning and he would have said it no matter what, but I wish I had said like what about Drake. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the thing about Versus is like if you played like Sweet Escape in Vers and versus you get like laughed out of the building even though that's like dude i went like i went diamond with that song you know it's like your mom listened to that on z100 but uh nonetheless i he's i the next step like he we gotta make him do a versus i want him to fucking do it but he's too busy becoming a fucking king of the world. You know what we should do? Dave did the Bitcoin sit-down with the Winkle bosses. We should do the sit-down with Akon for Akon. We should get in on Akon.

Out of all these, like, other coins, I'm betting on Akon. The other ones are all just like, I don't trust that guy. I don't know that. Where did he even come from? This came from fucking Akon. He's a very highly trusted guy in my world akon and kfc gonna take over the world all right let's talk to andy haynes now who's a very funny fucking dude uh if you've been listening to kfc radio the past couple weeks we've had his fiancee rosebud baker on she's just been making fun of him and i said i we got to get andy in here to have him fight back

and if you've really been paying attention uh some of the shit he, like, jokes about and references is, like, directly in, like, rebuttal to Rosebud. And I think without listening. So also check out Rosebud. She's on ATI tonight. Rosebud gives an answer on ATI. And Andy gives an – or just, like, an anecdote on this interview that are – I mean they're perfect. They're a perfect couple. It's just perfect the way it all played out.

So Andy Haynes on KFC Radio brought to you by Miller Lite. Get some in your cysts. I said on CCK that when I was trying to party this weekend, I'm like drinking stuff I wasn't like necessarily used to. And then when I just went back to good old beer and started drinking miller lights my body was like i can handle this like i know how to process this and miller light uh totally changed my weekend i ended up having a great time so whether you are uh celebrating a birthday whether you're at the beach house for the weekend whether you're just having a six-pack after work or doing some socially distanced bar uh hopping you're getting it delivered by drizzly however you're getting

miller light in your life do it because it makes your life better it's the number one beer with great taste less filling and uh you have one right now actually yeah right this is this for is for sure a crack of miller light to end the day type of day uh as are most days these these this year so uh if you are no matter what you're doing, Miller Lite's the answer. And you can go to MillerLite.com slash KFC to find the delivery options near you. That's MillerLite.com slash KFC. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. So you're going to stay skinny, be in shape, have a great time. And why don't you crack open a cold one right now while you listen to this interview with Andy Haynes. We're going to dive right into it. Andy Haynes is here. And I felt like it was almost, I had a duty to put you on. Yeah, thank you very much.

Because Rosebud Baker, who is your fiance, has been on a couple times recently. She was just flaming you, dude. I know. As seems to be the dynamic between you two. Honestly, she loves to treat me like I'm Tom Hanks at the end of Philadelphia. Like I'm just this geriatric, you know, just dying of a disease. I have a little tremor in my hand. I'm going a little bald.

Everything else I have to do for this bitch i'm sick of her flaming me it's not gonna stand we're not married yet yeah i mean the the uh the diva cup story was one that you know we almost puked but the funniest thing about the diva cup thing was your the conversation you had afterwards about how big her pussy is but you were like good sized i mean there's there's that's a question you hope to never hear yeah i don't know what i'm supposed to say right i don't expect her to like you know call my dick gargantuan right it is what it is you know my confidence level it seems that's the fucked up thing is a woman's pussy size is not at all related to her confidence. No.

You know what I mean? They're not walking around like, I got the tightest pussy, you know? Like, I'm the fucking best. I got a tight pussy. But I feel like if you have a hog, you just, like, wait for doors to open. Oh, absolutely.

You know. A hundred percent. I feel like if you have a big dick, your whole life's different. Yeah. You can be, like, a loser in almost every other aspect of life and you'll still walk around with confidence. Oh, a homeless man with a big penis has more confidence

than a girl. Yeah, I mean, I've seen a bunch of them and they were... They're out right now. They were like, you gotta check this thing out. I was like, holy shit. I counted you out, buddy. Like, I pay rent and he sits on the street corner and he still feels better than probably

He's like I can fuck that girl Have you seen this thing Yo have you seen them just harass women They have all the confidence in the world Dude there was a guy today Right outside our office We call it the shantytown They just seem to converge on our office

So there's like a little community of them There was a guy today At the I don't even know what to call those things where you can like plug in your phone and all that shit.

Yeah, yeah. And he had a fucking iPad. Yeah. And he was just sitting there and he's, everything else is horrendously homeless and he's just scrolling

on his tablet. I like how, those are like the best places for homeless guys to hang out because they're like, someone's going to come and charge their phone

and I'll just harass them. Yeah, I'll get some interaction. Also, I've never seen anybody who wasn't like an italian tourist or a homeless person at the kiosk yeah you know what i mean right it's just a power bank for people on the street and i mean you know god bless them i'm glad they can use their phone they can juice up i just it's a it's a weird world where the homeless people can have i saw the same technology as you one of those shantytown guys i was walking by the office once and there was a homeless man who was verbally abusing slash hitting on an attractive doctor and i was like he thinks he can hit on a doctor yeah i would never in a

million years but that woman is out of my league and he was just like i got this i'm doing well in my career and i still would not hit on a doctor. Never! That's uncalled for. I know a doctor above me. That's just disrespectful. A doctor has no interest in me, and they shouldn't. But a homeless guy was like, yeah, I could take her down.

I could go fuck her in an alley, I suppose. People who are oblivious to all things, whether you're homeless or just an asshole or dumb or whatever, they're the happiest. They don't think i would i wake up every day and i'm like here's yes honestly i'd love to be stupid or smart if you're not either yeah yeah if you're i'd rather be really smart where i can like i get it i see the matrix i can start companies and build things yeah all that if you're not going to be that be a fucking idiot yeah i would love to be so brain dead that i could be an actor you know

what i mean how people are like you're a firefighter and you're like i'm a fire i can do that i would love to be a genius where yeah like i wear like those fucking like uh what are those shoes called that every startup all birds all birds yeah like i wear all birds and i ride one of those one wheels and i just i I make zero eye contact with people. I just walk out of rooms after I've said what I've said. You're just doing autism. Yeah. Exactly.

I like to be autistic. It's the new rebrand. The, the, the ability to just not care about other people's feelings at all. That's also a little autistic. Yeah. Right.

But that's the best part. It's like, I just... Just not read cues. Yeah, I'm just always like, well, you know, I don't want to make that person uncomfortable or like, hey, let's, like, I want to be friendly to you

or I'm just trying to be like a normal, good person. I'm done with that. Yeah. I just want to walk around like I'm a homeless guy with a 10-inch dick and be like, I don't fucking care about it. Yeah, yeah. You just lay down in parks.

You're like, this is my bench. I got the whole... Look at my dick. Am I embarrassed? I'm not. No, what are you talking about? This is Yeah, yeah. You just lay down in parks. You're like, this is my bench. Yeah. I got the whole thing. Look at my dick. Am I embarrassed? I'm not. No, what are you talking about? This is awesome. It's all just a frame of mind.

There's our street. Like, you know, like, New York's, like, falling into chaos, and it's just deteriorating as a society. So there's, like, a lot more, like, drug addicts and homeless people on our street, which is not great when you have, like, a tiny, a tiny loud mouth fiance who walks there at night yeah but there's one guy and he sits next door stoop every night and he it's it's the weirdest thing he's a black guy i don't know if he's homeless or he's just like an alcoholic and he just goes there to get drunk but he he pipes young country every night every night he is listening i

don't even know the artist that he's listening to but it is like modern country and it's like a 45 year old black guy and he's just like sitting there drunk just like rocking out like he's like just on the ranch or something just like tearing up and it's it almost feels like the matrix trying to be like you don't know all the black guys all right stop judging yeah here's a different one don't typecast does does rosebud uh mouth off a lot she can i think for the most part she's like keeps her distance from everybody she kind of just like operates like we're talking about with the confidence of an autistic person where she just is like okay i'm done with this and just moves on but like there's these teens,

I don't know if you have caught it. Yeah, I was going to bring that up. Yeah, we got this fucking group of teens that are like the kids from that movie Kids, you know, just like a bunch of skater,

drug addict, ne'er-do-wells. Fucking terrifying, those kids. We've always said walking the street, not now, but prior, walking the street of Manhattan or anywhere in the city

at like three o'clock when school gets out, it's like, you better have a fucking gun on you these kids are john mulaney is a great joke about how they're like the ones who know how to hit you in the most vulnerable places yes and it's um it is like that like i'm i'm totally like i wouldn't be intimidated probably to fight a man my age but a teen just interacting with a teen boy i I'm like, this is going to go awful for me. He thinks you're such a loser.

Dude, I was coming out of my building one time. I had both dogs. I'm already pathetic because I'm carrying two dogs. People just assume I'm a walker. And they're just sitting on my stoop so I can't exit the door. And I can hear them talking about me. They're rolling a blunt and they're just like, man, this guy's so hot, he can't get out right now. Meanwhile, I'm clocking it.

I'm like, all right, the kids are saying hot for angry. Mental note. I'm going to use that when I code switch next time. So then eventually I'm just like, all right, fuck this. And I open the door. They don't move. I start to kind of like try to get past them. And the door closes on my puppy's tail.

So she's like, ah, ah, ah. And I finally lose my mind. I get down to the floor and I'm like, all right, listen, when I get back here, you guys better be gone. And I want you to take all this shit with you. And they were like, all right, you do you, man. And I was just like, fuck. And none of that happened. We'll see when you get back.

Yeah. There was one time I left this when I lived in Boston still. I left my apartment complex or building. And there was a homeless guy in the entryway. And because it was like the front door would open. That didn't lock, which is always such a weird thing, which is like, yeah, the front door doesn't lock. Okay. And the second door will lock, but the front one not.

And a homeless guy was passed out in the entryway, and he had shit twice. He had shit on the floor, two separate corners. Wow. Everybody knows you make a poop corner and you stick to it, dude. And I would rather have to deal with that than teenagers. Yeah, they're just scary. Fine. Homeless guy shit, I can handle.

They're cool and they're mean. Yeah, they're better but here's the thing i maybe maybe they have 10 inch dicks because i don't think i was that ever that i think it's a new yorker thing too yeah probably like a young you grow up in the city you're a fucking weirdo yeah you're a monster so take solace that those kids will probably like flame out and die soon yeah it's like kurt uh kurt metzger has a joke he says uh every kid in new york can't drive and they're sober by 20 you know it's like they live a very busy life yeah they try heroin in middle school they really do we used to do this show with asa akira she like grew up uh oh yeah like a prep school in the city and she was sober by like yeah in her teens she was sober and i'd

fuck like 150 dudes by the time she was like 16 good for her yeah she was like i miss it she's sober now she misses so much yeah i like her sobriety too where she's like i'm not gonna be sober forever yeah she's just on a long hiatus yeah she's like i'll still like one day i'm gonna do crap i promise you i put it in the books right now honestly kira will die of a heroin overdose not anytime soon but that will be the cause yeah i mean that was like i'm sober i'm in the program i'd like don't plan on ever going out but if i did go out it would not be like i would not have a beer with friends i would not like smoke a bowl i would go hard yeah i would do hunter s thompson level like you know like the i would be measuring amounts of like adrenothol and crack cocaine that i could it would just be up and down you know lizard people it's just the no yeah if you're gonna if you're gonna like flush it all away fucking flush it i want to see the fox head in

the sky she said she was addicted to crack for like a weekend and she's like she's like the second i did crack i was like i get it yeah like There's a reason why. This makes a lot of sense. I smoked crack not like in a – I smoked crack accidentally. I feel like that's the majority of crack. Yeah, it was in Belize and somebody put it in a spliff. But they didn't put weed in it. So I was like, that's a weird taste. This does not smell like any of the weed I've ever smoked. And I asked them what this was and they're like like it's when you cooked a cocaine up in rock

and I was like fuck I was in like a tree house in the jungle there was reggae playing I was like man the vibes are so good my friends kept smoking it though and I was like what are you guys doing

and they're like we smoked a little crack what's the difference between a little and a lot? No argument there. Although I'm sure there is a very big difference. Yeah, they were chasing street dogs. Meanwhile, I was like, I should go organize our room. I had a buddy. We were in Salamanca, Spain.

And we were walking by this dude who was sitting on the steps of a church. And he had like a pipe. And he's like, hey, you guys want to hit this? And we were in high school. We were probably like 16 or 17. 17 and my buddy who was a bigger drug user than me at the time i think we've kind of passed like ships in the night and uh he's like yeah i'm in i'm in and he went over he smoked it and he like hit it once and he immediately walked away just going not weed not not weed he thinks it was crack we don't know for sure we'll never know but

it was like i know he spent the next three hours rolling around in the grass in a park wow that's great i like that before i uh i i miss drugs like do you for the crazy i don't miss like the data because i was just like a guy like i have to go to target let's you know get high but i missed the times where it was like you went out to the desert and you like took off all your clothes yeah so do you just not do any of that stuff anymore no nothing i it's those are the things you can't do with you're not do any of that stuff anymore no nothing i it's those are the things you can't do with you're not doing drugs really yeah you can't go to burning man and be like i'm sober guys there actually is like a big group of people that are sober

like moshe kasher is sober he's been sober for like 20 years and he goes to burning man and with a bunch of other sober people i have no interest in that oh that's like hell yeah those people that wear like goggles and they get like i I would be bummed for them and me. Yeah. What are we doing? Right. Being around like drunk and high people sober is like – every time I'm around someone who's drunk when I'm sober, I'm like, I might get sober. Yeah, I can't do it.

Right. Basically. It's like we all have to be assholes together. Right. So I don't want anybody on the outside looking in being like, well, I can see that you're an asshole. And also I would feel like I would ruin it for a lot of people have you ever been on mushrooms and you're like walking out of the woods

on a trail and then it's like you just like there's other people yeah it's better to just but what do you do then like what do you guys do I had this like quarter life crisis I'm 35 now but when I was like 27 I think it was

i was like i don't have any talents or hobbies or i just like i just drink and i go out to restaurants and like that's it and i still haven't really found anything since then you're doing great uh i think that's the point you just embrace the nothing embrace mediocrity no um i think that i mean i guess it's just like you know do you guys feel like you pour shit into comedy yeah i pour it into comedy or you know like work uh writing i don't bullshit exercising you know like i don't do you guys do that thing where you like go online and you fill a cart with like you know twenty thousand dollars worth of just something random you're like i'm gonna build a house and then you go and you shop and then you're like,

I'm not doing this. But it did kill an hour. I don't understand people who do that, who do carts. If I want something, I just buy it. I've never had a cart that like saved. Well, because I'm horrible with money. My whole point with this is just make as much as you can so that you don't think about it.

Yeah. Great philosophy. Sometimes I'll catch myself. I'll be like, why am I trying to buy the newest Yeezy? I'm 38. I'm balding. Give it up, man. It's a tough realization to have.

Yeah. Where it's just like, well, I asked him because it was just his birthday. I was like, do you feel old yet? He said no, but he shouldn't. He doesn't have any reason to feel old. I was like, I'm 35. I have two kids. I'm like, I've never really been in shape, so it's not like i'm getting out of shape but i'm just getting less and less and i was just like yeah i mean i'm probably not cool ever again i

mean i think that's the thing is like i think you can go like too far with it where you become like a bummer and you're like i've decided to just explore like all the hate in my heart jesus christ you suck dude yeah i have a couple friends that send like weekly emails oh my god what those would not be friends anymore you know i i want cynicism so i don't want to get rid of that like i want a certain amount of cynicism and i love to talk shit um but i think yeah i don't know i just try to like i try not to focus on the outcomes and I just know I can't get fucked up so I just try to fill my day I don't know it's honestly like I don't I just I don't think about it and then I go to sleep and do it again and then sometimes I check in and I'm

like god damn a year went by you fit in right right here in this place andy you are a good fit in maine how the fuck did this happen i did a lot of traveling before all this shut down like i used to do these things where i would like i would try to find the cheapest ticket to go the farthest i could for a weekend you got you got like a little hippie vibe to you or i could see that yeah yeah like but i would like you know i i flew to iceland for one day one time just to do something stupid or like i went to europe in the fall and did a bunch of comedy i mean that's a nice thing about like your comedy can be not just a job it can be like a lifestyle experience yeah you know like it's kind of nine uh not nine to five but like morning till night like you know

so i don't know man i try not to think about it that's the main thing I do and then um fuck I I'll tell you what else you don't think about things drugs I mean that's the main reason I did it yeah but then you know you're like you're like in like I remember this one time I went to Kmart and I was like stoned out of my mind you know like I've smoked a blunt and went to Kmart and then I got home and I was like why did I buy like the entire Jewish candy section Kmart's a wild spot to go to the Hollywood Kmart it's like the lights aren't on unless you walk into that section you know what I mean that's what Bargatze's got a joke about that oh yeah yeah I like he's like you walk into Kmart're like, are you guys going out of business?

They're like, no, we're doing great. We're thriving. Yeah, it's funny that you ask that because I'm having this little crisis. I'm like, what is my plan? But yeah, dude, you're 35. Newly engaged, though, right? Newly engaged, yeah. You did a quarantine engagement, right?

Yeah, I hadn't bought her a birthday present, so I figured that was – Two birds with one stone. I was like, all all right let's get this out of the way uh and she was totally she was such a brat about it she was like i knew you were gonna do it this way i was like jesus christ the world is dying and you're upset about the give me a break just like she wants like a mariachi band on a mountaintop like take it or leave it bitch we had we had a uh i forget if it was a voicemail or if it was uh we just like an asshole yeah and it was a guy who proposed to his girlfriend four times and she kept being like this isn't she's like i want to marry you but i'm not thrilled with this engagement four and it was it was don't marry that girl the first one was

like it was quarantine and she said just like you know, I always pictured it being something else. And the guy was like, all right, I'll give you that. Extenuating. He didn't have a ring. He was like, hey, you want to get married? And she's like, yes, but not like this. Then he did one like with someone. They went to a nice dinner.

Right. That wasn't good. And then they went to New Orleans. And he proposed it like on like a rooftop. That wasn't good. And I forget what the fourth one was. That's a lifetime you're signing up for. If you're listening right now,

run, do not walk. Jesus Christ. Kill that girl, actually. Kill her. Bury her. And then you'll get a Netflix show and you'll be fucking set. You'll be able to hire that lawyer from the staircase. God, that guy was so fucking guilty. Yeah, of course. They just conveniently left out of that whole documentary that they took out like a four million dollar life insurance policy on her the

day before she died really yeah that was wasn't mentioned that was the last documentary i've ever watched because i was sick of being tricked into believing things i'm like no this is just what the producer wants me to think yep it was, he took a $4 million life insurance policy and he's had another wife die on that staircase. Yeah, he's murdered someone else before that same exact style. Dude, I... You didn't tell me that! I love those shows and I watch them over

and over again and then I'm like wondering when they're gonna run out of murders. So many murders. So many murders. Are there? So many murders. I feel like people are going to start murdering to meet the need they're gonna yeah we there's you know that's only two netflix docs we gotta i bet you there are netflix producers murdering people right now just to keep the fucking money flowing well if they want to talk to me i have a fucking tormenting brat of a

fiance and we're kind of coming up in show business so it'd be like perfect you know what i mean oh they both like phil hartman in real time yeah yeah i'll make a relapse and then we can kill each other in our new home you know if you could like stage it like an overdose but it was really you yeah of course yeah tons of details again i've thought about it i'll like i'll murder her and then like right after I murder her, I'll start dating a way too young star. Young hot shit, yeah. But her funeral will be going on, and they'll be like, he's guilty.

He didn't even go. He doesn't have time. Why did he bring Courtney Stoddard to this? I'm dating the Bernie TikTok girl. Yo, the TikTok, the lip-syncing your your special dude rose found that the other day or uh she hates when i call her rose so i'll do it again um but uh pain in the ass that woman is don't call me rose bitch your name is rose bud yeah i'm not always gonna say rosebud and you know think of a

sled uh but uh yeah no it's like she was like did you see this like because she i guess she was gonna make fun of me and do it like where she was gonna lip sync my jokes on her tiktok which you're too old for tiktok rosebud uh but she found it. She like hashtagged me. And there's just like, but the weird thing is, it's now like teens, no like dudes in the Indian subcontinent or China. It is just a group of like American eight-year-olds.

I have no idea why, but it's like 10 eight-year-olds a year ago decided to lip sync my sad jokes. The first one you put up, too, you did a screen recording. That first girl was covered in bruises, wasn't she? She has a black eye. I bet she was Russian. That's how beat up she was.

I was like, this is Russia. This has to be russia you know you see a video and you're like that's russia yeah you really usually get out if a house is fucked up enough like a dog's limping you're russia i always tell the story when i first started interning here which is the best at this point like 10 years ago and i was an intern for kevin and this kid who works for us keith and uh keith sent me an email and he's like as an intern you need to check what this video is we get we used to get like a lot of submissions for what we put on the website so someone emailed us this video and it was a live leak and he's like the guy who emailed it says it's a russian dude getting stabbed to death with a screwdriver on a bridge

and i watched it and i just went that was an accurate description that was exactly what happened in that video i worked for clip shows for like uh six years i worked on ridiculousness i worked on a bunch of other like those style clip shows and the shit that people will send you sometimes to be on there they're like hey i don't know if you guys think this is funny but there's like a this is a bear eating a blind family. Yes. Have you seen the show? It's not. It's not.

It's fucking people like twisting their ankle on skateboard tricks, dude. I mean, although Russia should have its own clip. Oh, yes. You know, yeah, for sure. Look at this Russian. That Instagram account should just have its own clip show. Oh, yes. Yeah, for sure. Look at this Russian, that Instagram account, should just have their own deal. And it's just like women breastfeeding while shooting at a guy. They're on the back of a motorcycle just unloading on a cop that's trying to steal their land.

My favorite trend in Russia was when they all were – I guess they still are. They're wearing like the GoPros and they just like free climb shit. Oh, yeah. It gives you like vertigo watching. But there's a few of them where they just fall. And there's just footage of them fucking falling like 30 stories and splattering. Have you seen one where it's like, it's got to be 10 years old, but it's a girl and they're like on the roof of one of those old like apartment blocks, like Soviet apartment blocks.

And she's got a rope around her waist. She's on a chimney. And these boys are like, ha ha ha ha ha, and you're like, oh, what are they gonna do? And they just push her off the roof, and she's on a rope, and she swings like an avenue, and they're just like, how funny, she thinks she's

gonna die! You know, and you're like, she probably is! Yeah. But there was one where I just placed the internet. Russia jesus possibly is yeah but there was one where it replaced the internet that's just crazy man but there was one where this guy jumped off again one of the like the soviet apartment buildings you can just tell they look like straight out of chernobyl they have radiation yeah built in like it's part of the place yeah and like this guy jumped off. It must have been 25, 30 stories. Four inches of snow. I've seen that one. He's like, oh, oh.

I had a friend one time take this girl cliff jumping. And it was in Needham, Massachusetts. And she jumped off. And it was a cliff. He jumped off regularly. It was probably a 30-foot cliff. And she jumped off and there's a cliff he jumped off regularly it's probably a 30 foot cliff and she jumped off and it was so shallow that she ended up like

sitting down and she was holding up her leg and she's like what the fuck Chris and her leg was shattered and he goes look I'm not a fucking tide clock laughing laughing laughing

wow wow wow fucking crazy like we're obviously not gonna hook up so do you mind if i uh will you watch me jerk off it's the only way i could get there i'm probably not gonna see you again and you know i rented a car for this look i'm not a hide clock the tiktok we found out that um i guess some they're doing the same thing lip-syncing a couple of our podcasts and i know i don't know is it i feel like they're making fun of me it's like it's like the stoop teens i'm like you're probably doing this ironically or like oh hell well look how fucking dumb this podcast video is from this old guy just occurred to me they might be making maybe not i don't know i i can't imagine why a teen would would like anything we're talking about but maybe they probably listen right i i mean i hope um we we we kind of age appropriately

try to age appropriately a little bit so i don't know are you on it at all on tiktok yeah no yeah i don't know what i would do right like i downloaded it and like tried it a couple times and i was just like this is that's it i thought about putting my stand-up on it i thought about like if i make a sketch maybe i'll like cross promote on there but i'm not gonna dance there's some people that do it wonderfully there's this guy that uh joe mandy just showed me he's like a writer for like he was on Parks and Rec and a couple other shows but this guy Mookie something he's really funny

because he's like our age and he's making fun of the platform he's like doing the duos where like the girl is asking the question and he's like really

earnestly answering oh yeah is that the one I read through that where it was like he's like in a pink sweatshirt and he's got like a light beard he's like what's the first

thing you notice about me he's like your ass he just answers like honestly or no he's And he's got, like, a light beard. He's like, what's the first thing you notice about me? He's like, your ass. He just answers, like, honestly, right? Yeah. Or no, he's answering what she wants to hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The funniest one is, like, would you rather have a girl who's a great dancer or snowboarder? And he's like, dancer for sure.

She's like, I actually just said that so I can show this picture of me snowboarding. He's like, I mean, snowboarding. Totally snowboarding. She's like, what's the perfect gift for a guy? He's like, PlayStation. Are you getting back out and doing comedy or are you still laying low? Yeah, I'm doing all these parks. That's what I'm doing.

I'm doing parks, storefronts, backyards. It's starting to get normal. There's a couple comedy clubs that are using the space around their club to do it. And then Brooklyn's just full of miscreants. It's an abandoned super fun site you know but uh it's starting to kind of feel normal i don't expect to do it i'm not going to really travel for it i don't want to like have like the on my conscious that i killed somebody's you know uh diabetic aunt right or that i'm part of a spike and i'm also fine you know it's like i

don't need to go out yeah well i feel like when when they people started doing drive-in stuff they start doing park stuff they started doing all the all the different variations i feel like people some people like i'm never doing that no fucking way but now it's getting to the point where it's like i think you have to start at least trying some of the alternative shit yeah you don't like it you don't do it again but i mean i think it's gonna be this way for a while so yeah i did a couple zoom shows yeah why i've done zoom shows the whole time i actually do zoom shows for like uh sober houses you know things like that that's like a separate deal it's not

for the public those are like private shows so i got kind of comfortable with it and then people started to get better at doing the zoom shows there wasn't the silence there wasn't the what are those the zoom bombers you know what i mean where they like take over where like a kid just jumps in yeah it's called zoom bombing i guess and they just fuck with your set i that's see that's what i mean they're just mean they're mean spirited children i'm gonna uh this is kind of bad form but so i'm in a 12-step program i go to a lot of 12-step meetings online and there was like this two-week period when those all started where people did not secure their Zoom meetings. And so kids just found the directory and they were just going in and it was melee. It was beautiful.

You would just be like halfway through a meeting and some woman would be like, and that's when I knew that i'd hit my rock bottom and then just out of nowhere just a child just like i'd like to rock your bottom bitch damn theresa got some nice ass titties though and you're just like okay wow meeting is taking a turn wow it was real fun. That's amazing. That's horrendous and so fucking funny. I wish I had some screenshots or I'd record some of those meetings. They were beautiful.

Was there any part of you that was nervous about those? I know when it started quarantine, I was like, I'm not going to do therapy because what if they record me? I wasn't trusting it. But you're fine. No, i'm pretty chill with it i'm also not somebody who gives a shit if you record my material just because i don't have anything on the books like i'm not like working towards a special so if i was gonna do that you know uh maybe i would change my philosophy on it i meant the therapy like your secrets but

also that i don't have any secrets that's the thing i'm just it's nice it's a wonderful way to live on stage yeah it's great i mean i don't know maybe if i murder rosebud i'll stop sharing so much i like living like an open book is it's not for everyone i would never like recommend it because i think a certain you got to be a certain type of person to handle it but it's so much more the only thing i hate is that sometimes i'm just like why like you know guys that just like don't talk and they just like manage to just like keep everything close to the chest sometimes i wish i was that type of guy because it's just like you'll see them they're like they just operate through this like i i feel this is gonna sound fucked up i feel vaguely feminine how open of a book i am because i'm just like i'll meet somebody and

i'm like i got divorced and also i got molested nice to meet you dude yeah yeah why are you being so vulnerable right now right right we're not best friends no i i but i think that's like a grass is always greener sort of thing. Because I bet you the dude who plays everything close to the vest is just ready to fucking explode on the inside. But wouldn't it be nice to have so many secrets that you have to, like, I don't know, like, make a girl wear, like, a Richard Nixon mask to cum? You know what I mean? Like, you're just like, I need evil. Like, I wish I had some kind of internal battle. But you can do that.

You can go home with a Richard Nixon mask today and just throw it at that bitch. Rosebud probably would just to be like, all right, let's mix it up. I'd also like you to be somebody else. For some reason, I'm wearing a James Harden mask. I'm like, jeez. You know your wife well. Fuck. I'm just always walking by the bathroom.

She's been in there for a long time. The sink is running, but I just hear House of Highlights. What the fuck is going on? That's so funny. That's so funny. But I don't know. I mean, I feel like... Well, I i don't know we're pretty much open books but

we're falling apart at the seams so maybe it's not a good thing i'm an open book on the show i'm i am the quiet guy if i'm not being paid to talk that's great though it's also kind of therapeutic right yeah i mean we get so much shit out here that if i didn't have a podcast i don't know i mean i don't know what would happen to me. I feel like I would explode. Yeah, I actually think that me and Rosebud don't fight as much as a normal couple, especially living in quarantine because we have a podcast. And, like, we do talk so much shit with each other. So do you talk about, like, maybe, like, real shit that's upsetting you, but you're doing it in, like, a joking manner for a podcast so it gets out there but it's not as serious? I don't know if there's a line.

Like, we talk about shit that pisses the other one off pretty much immediately and then we burn each other for it and then it's kind of out of the way i mean we've had a few fights where it was just like just being in the same room for three months you're gonna eventually tell somebody to shut the fuck up right um but we've been pretty good and also yeah like i can make fun of her i mean she's she's kind of my opposite in that like she is totally happy to like take like all the bills in the mailbox you know like she'll take them all and she'll like stack them stack them and then she'll be like and then put them in a drawer forget about all of them and then just like one day our power goes out.

Meanwhile, like if my bills are not in the right order in my wallet, I'm just like sitting there tapping my desk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so. Balance each other out. I'm also, I'm explaining autism again. But yeah, we, you know, I think it's nice. The podcast, like especially with, I wouldn't recommend doing it with your romantic partner. Yeah, see, I think it's either crazy or it's like Tom Segura and Christina P or you two where it just seems to work. But I feel like the vast majority of people who try that would not succeed.

Yeah, and I think also you have to be willing to be completely honest and also not saying things personally because – I think you have to be comics though, right? I mean some people I think have been able to pull it off. I don't know who they are. Maybe like Dax Shepard and – Yeah, Kristen Bell. Yeah, like I think maybe they had a podcast or something. Right.

But you see so many people try to do it where like one isn't a comic or maybe they just aren't funny people but they call themselves comics. And that was me throwing shade someone's picking that up but uh you know what i mean like you can see it it's like pain yeah like you guys are holding something back right he hates her right just say it man break break and still post it yeah well uh when did you start the podcast with her first day of quarantine yeah it was like a quarantine we did it like it right yeah yeah i mean it was like the idea was like are you just gonna do it forever we started to do some shit in quarantine that we were like we got to like i don't know three months in and we were like all right that's enough like we can't just do this forever well we were doing it every day and then that was like insane so then we went down to

like weekdays and then we went down to like weekdays and then we went down to three days a week and now we like found the happy medium of like free episode patreon episode and it's like it it gives us like a little bit of structure it pays a little bit of our you know our rent slash bills and then um we have fun so yeah i think we'll probably do it as long as we can stop the relapse you know yeah once we relapse it's as long as we can. Stop the relapse, you know? Yeah, once we relapse, we're just going to post a picture of fire. It's going to be like one of those alien movies where they're like,

we got a dispatch from this remote base and it's just like somebody screaming like all is lost. That'll be the last Find Your Beach. I love it. I'm honestly rooting for that day one day. It's going to be that entertaining. All right, man. Thanks for coming in honestly rooting for that day one day. It's going to be that entertaining. All right, man. Thanks for coming in.

Hey, thanks for having me. Find your beach. Yeah. Tell people where the social is and where to find them. Just find your beach on Instagram. We've got a Patreon. You can just search that. And I'm Andy Haines.

Yeah. Good stuff, man. Thanks so much. Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you. I've got some issues that nobody can see And all of these emotions are pouring out of me I bring them to the life in you

It's only right This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life to my life, to my life, to my life, to my life.