KFC Radio - Ali Siddiq Wins 4th of July Every Year

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

00:00:00 Start 00:00:17 Ali Siddiq is here! 00:04:58 Domino Effect Part 2 00:37:55 Developing Standup in Houston 00:43:10 Getting anyone to genuinely laugh Catch the rest of the podcast here: https://linktr.ee/kfcr Looking for a side-splitting comedy podcast? Look no further than KFC Radio from Barstool Sports! Hosted by Kevin Clancy and John Feitelberg, this hilarious show covers everything from pop culture and current events to personal stories and relationship advice. With their signature irreverent humor and quick wit, Kevin and John keep their listeners laughing week after week. Tune in for a dose of gut-busting laughter and become a part of the KFC Radio community today! #KFCRadio #BarstoolSports #AliSiddiqYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm going to probably spend $3,000 on fireworks. Are we talking like Macy's Baboom fireworks? We're not talking like little firecrackers. We're talking Macy's. We're talking explosions in the sky. We're talking about explosions.

Tickets are on sale for KFC Radio Live. Click the link in the bio. Get yours. Come out and hang with the boys. All right, let's do it. You ready, Rock? Let's do it. We got Ali Sadiq in the building, and it's been quite the run for you, man,

between dropping the special and the press that you're doing. I feel like it's been business is good. Business is good. I can't complain about business. You smell good, by the way. You smell good by the way man people been saying that so surprised like yeah people have been saying it must be the cologne i put on do you have like your own scent or is it just like a because we've talked to a couple guys who like mix and and come up with their own concoction and they keep it a secret

and all that and i'm like oh this is way above my head yeah i usually have on like three things the same god it's you you're kind of mixing them oh you're a chemist yeah i'm a chemist in more than one way so i actually have questions about that we'll get to that the other chemistries so um apply that skill in other ways i've been wearing um louis vuitton okay i'm wearing louis vuitton with a frankincense oil with some other thing that i found you got i go into like sax and i just sit in a little scent section and there's always some woman wanting to spray something on you. Yeah, yeah. Try this.

I didn't really think the coffee bean thing worked, but it does. It changes the scent so you can smell another scent. Oh, you smell. It clears your nose out? Dude, you know what? I didn't know that. I've been using a coffee bean scrub in my shower.

There you go. I used to live with a girl. I in my shower. There you go. I used to live with a girl. I don't live with a girl anymore. And she left some shit behind. And I was finally like, well, I'll try this out. The best part, the only good part when you're moving with a chick is getting all those products and all that weird shit that you don't know about. You're like, oh, I'm going to put on a mask. I'm going to use a scrub.

I got this thing and that thing. It's crazy that that's what happens. Right? You come from using just regular ivory soap to now dove. And then you won't go back. You're like, no. I'm a dove guy. I started using oil of Olay body butter.

It's called body butter. And it was called ribbons. It had like the bottle and i used to literally like rub irish spring sport in my ass and then on my face now i'm like i need my body butter you know what's crazy um i'm doing a show in this this guy he's a makeup artist and he put this stuff on my lips before I went on the show. And I was like, man, he's like, no, this is a wonderful condition.

I'll turn all the women I know onto this. And I was like, yo, man, this stuff is pretty good now, but it's in Sephora. Sephora is in that store. And I'll just be in there hovering and looking like,

man, I need somebody going in and getting it. Yo, that place, I want to get in and out. I'm like, I don't want to browse. Tell me where the fuck it is and let me get the fuck out of here. You know, it's like back when I used to try to get older people to buy liquor for me. I was looking for some woman,

some cute lady, be like, hey, look, it's a lip conditioner. I'll even pay for yours. Here you go. Whatever you get, man, I need that pull a hey buddies put it in my talking bag put it in my talking bag

yo you go to like a Sephora during like Christmas season or some shit it is you gotta be like ready for that shit it's like going to war ready

to go in there to get it and get it done get it out you ever been in Forever 21? bro there was a Forever 21 downtown that used to be a literal war zone

it was like I mean you had to like fight for your life in that place it was so funny it used to be overrun by people and then the men's section and it's the women the men's section is a small closet with like four or five shirts. You're going in like, man, this sucks, man.

That's the last bastion of chivalry. It's like, I'll go to the third floor to look. You can stay on the ground floor. Fine. You know what's weird? In H&M, I refuse to shop in H&M because they never have a cashier in the men's department.

Really? You have to get your shit in somewhere else. So you go upstairs and you look, you find something that you're not, and it's a register.

You can clearly see the register. You turn around, but then you have to go downstairs and then it's a thousand women in line. And you're like,

no, I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it i'm not doing we've earned a section we need a cashier um so this the special is up over a million views on youtube and uh domino effect domino effect part two and you know we've been talking a lot of people over the last couple years going the the YouTube route, and I just have to imagine anytime you put it out and it does well, because every other special,

the number's not right there for public consumption the way it is on YouTube. So people, you can say it did well, you can pretend, maybe it did, maybe it didn't, nobody knows. You fucking know if you succeeded

or failed on YouTube. So there is inherently a little bit more of a risk you're taking there yeah you are but the other the other side of the reward is greater because so i do a special i do a half hour special with comedy central do a full hour special comedy central i think i didn't get over a million views on Comedy Central because of how they play it. You know, you aired a special at 11.59 at night. That's crazy. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Thank you so very much. And then you run it one time. Right. I'll never forget, somebody else's special came out the same week as mine, when I did the first one. They ran me once. Then my agent had to call to make them run it again. This person's special was on HBO, and it was on every single HBO channel. You got HBO Max, HBO Latino, HBO. No, this was before the Max.

This was like every signature, family. One, two, five, HBO. No, this was before the match. This was like every signature, family. One, two, five, seven. And it started at 8, and it ran until 8 a.m. the next morning. Like, you couldn't miss it. Oh, you didn't miss it. Keep going, yeah. And I was like, yeah, Comedy Central is kind of dropping the ball on you. Yeah, yeah.

So. Dude, Comedy Central, man. You never recoup the money that they spent to do your special. So you always in debt to that. So then we asked to buy it from them. Sure. They wouldn't do it. They dropped it on YouTube.

Because Comedy Central is no more Comedy Central. So Domino Effect, the first one came out. We were at like maybe $4 million when we asked to buy that one back. Then they dropped it on YouTube. Now, it's at 3 million views on YouTube, but I didn't get that on the network. Right, right, right. So the YouTube specials get you more viewership than most networks, whether it's HBO or Netflix. I mean, in the very beginning, I think getting on a Netflix special

and maybe Amazon early on was a big deal. And now, unless they give you, unless you're talking big money, doing it yourself, growing your subscribers, growing your presence is way more valuable than whatever. And somebody not owning your content. You know, what was the push for me to go independent was when I'm trying to promote something, people coming out to the shows,

I drop a clip from Comedy Central. And they flagged me for copywriting first. No way, really? I'm like, you know this is my face, right? My whole body movement and everything. But, you know, and so you're like, okay. They fucked. I mean, Comedy Central at one point, they were Comedy Central.

They had the shows and South Park and Daily Show and Stand Up and all that. And they just, I don't know what happened over there, but they had a head start and they fucking screwed the pooch on that one. They was done. Right? They just like adapted to the internet. They probably would still be a force and they just didn't at all. What's weird,

we do a special, we always shop it to people. Netflix said my special was too long. It's another thing. You have length requirements with other networks. I would never be able to do that. How long is your special? Hour and a half.

Yeah. You know, the first one was hour 21. I don't think that's that long, though. You know, it's not like you, you know, I didn't see it and think to myself, this is too long. It's not like it's three hours, you know? And I think if I was doing a three-hour one, it would be, you do what the artist can carry.

You know, you can't tell me, oh, the audience is not going to watch that. can carry you know you can't tell me oh the audience is not gonna watch that how you know yeah right it's the funniest you know three hours of all time they're gonna watch you know how many things i've i went into and i'm like man i'm not gonna watch three hours of it and then avatar all of a sudden why i can't turn this? I remember I was on Art Me. I did a podcast with Art Shafir, right? And my friend called me like, hey, bro, for real, let me get this straight. You think I'm going to listen to you for four hours? I know you.

Like, I'm not going to listen to you talk for four hours. And then I hang up. Then I get a phone. I got a missed message from him. Hey, man, I'm on the third hour. I just got up Then I get a phone. I got a missed message from him. Hey, man, I'm on the third hour. I just got up to get me a sandwich. Man, you interested. I was going to say, like, you know, every Rogan podcast is over three hours, and he's the most successful thing in the world.

I also find that if you do put it on YouTube or it is a podcast, you can come and go. You know, I drive into work. I listen to an hour. I drive home into work, I listen to an hour, I drive home from work, I listen to an hour there. It doesn't have to all be in one sitting. It's just more content for your fan base. This special in particular, when you

end it, when you have a mic drop, I was like, oh no! So I'm working on three. I'm kind of like the new John Wick. I'm the John Wick, you know? Well, what's interesting with you is your life. Your life is interesting.

When you've lived a unique life, good, bad, and otherwise, you've got a lot more to say than the average comedian or person, whether it's comedy drama whatever you're doing it's like there's something there to turn into funny and to tell stories i mean you're the the special is much more storytelling than it is like punchline punchline punchline and i think that sort of stuff takes a little more time because you got to explain the backdrop and explain this you know the situation and there's a lot of heavy material in there to get into right yeah i try to engulf people in what i'm what i'm doing being a different

having a different style and i just think i do comedy like i talk to people people are very interesting when you're listening to a story i've heard stories about and from a lot of different people with a lot of different backgrounds you know me and this old old this guy is very very old I don't even know why

me and him are even friends it's like you know he's like I'm not his co-worker or nothing you get an old you get an old friend

when you work in a like at a corporation yeah yeah yeah you have a friend who's 40 years older than you. John is 65 years old. You're 22. You know, and you're concerned. Like, yo, John ain't working today.

Hey, John, what's going on? That's very funny. You do, though. You end up talking to guys who, like, you never in a million years would say a single word to. And you know about their family and their friends, their likes, their dislikes. It's hilarious.

I know it's lunch order. It's like being 22 going to a 55-year-old man's child's soccer game. You're like, you the weird dude. Hey, man, me. Hey, man, John invited me. So I'm taking my daughter somewhere, and I'm waiting on her to come out. And this old guy, he's on the walk up, and he said, hey, something's wrong with your timing belt. Because he says, my truck is on.

He said, something's wrong with my timing belt. I'm like, I don't think there's a problem with my timing belt. He's like, hey, man, I built these trucks for 40 years. I can hear it. And then it's crazy. 30 minutes. I don't even realize that my daughter is still in there getting ready. 30 minutes.

I'm like, so when you was in Vietnam, what happened? So I'm a mole man. What's a mole man what's a mole man so it's these things you get into it now I know that it was in doing Vietnam his job was to go underground and get people

that was underground trying to kill him I'm like what? that was your job family? and that is just a regular dude. He's not famous and telling that story on YouTube. He just walks around every day. And if you just ask him a question, that's a story he has. And that's a story.

That's one of probably a million he's got. And when you grow up listening to, that's how I learned everything. I would ask my aunt or my grandfather, my mother, anything, and it started with, okay, let me tell you a story. See, my grandfather's story... It goes back to 1972. They always

take it back. So when I'm playing football, I lose my whole hand. But you have a hand all right now. That ain't the point. The point I lost it. It was numb. Where's this story going? But you

learned. I appreciate that. You remember that more than you know. This man told me that he lost three of his fingers playing football with the same three fingers on his hand. Which three fingers was it? Man, these right here.

That's not the point. Man, are you listening to the story or are you trying to find out all the wrong stories? You're listening wrong. I'm telling it right. You're listening wrong. You're listening to this story all the way wrong. Look, he's worried about the fingers. I'm telling it right. You're listening wrong. You're listening to this story all the way wrong. Look, he's worried about the fingers.

I'm trying to give him a point. Okay. So, you know, with stand-up, that's how I relate to people. And I do a lot of stories that it has no color barrier. It has no age barrier. Watching me do a show is different people like you say that and then they come to a show i'm like oh no it's really different because he is not isolating any person at any time it's he me, and I lose a lot in story. You know how some people always win.

Every story, they're like, okay, so it's seven guys, right? I beat up all of them. Didn't come with a scratch. Me, I'm, man, I was doing good, and then for some strange reason, I got kicked in the chest. Let me tell you, when you get kicked in the chest. Let me tell you, when you get kicked in the chest, you don't keep going.

It's not like the movies. You know? So some people be like, and I bring people in tonight. No, no, you don't understand. Getting kicked in the chest is like, because I need to explain that part

before I even continue the story. Now, let me tell you how I survived. Now, after the kick, oh, it was another kick. It wasn't just one kick. They kicked the story. Now, let me tell you how I survived. Now, after the kick, oh, it was another kick. It wasn't just one kick. They kicked me twice. And people can understand from that perspective

when you're not always winning because in my life, I haven't always won. When the feds came and got me, they won. I was trying to get away. Entitledly lost. They wasn't hearing it. They had a won. I was trying to get away. They wasn't hearing it.

They had a strategy. I was totally taking off guard. I did not know you were coming. I wouldn't have been here. I definitely would have gotten away if I would have known that you was plotting all this. It was crazy. Looking back at it,

when I look at it, I kept saying things that I was like, yo, man, I don't trust none of this. This is, and I still didn't get away. Wait, what do you mean? If you watch the special, I tell how I went to prison. Right, right, right. I got busted. Right, but when you said you kept saying things. Yeah, if you look at the special, I said that this wasn't the right money.

Because I said, no, this ain't, this is not dope money. It's hundreds and fifties. Yeah, if you look at the special, I said that this wasn't the right money, because I said, no, this ain't, this is not dope money. It's hundreds and fifties. Like, what? Dope money don't come like that. Because dope, people who smoke dope, at the time, they don't have hundreds and fifties to give you. Like, this is a lot of tens, ones, twenties, twelves, fives. Fucking nickels and dimes.

You know what I'm saying? Tape it together. This five is definitely taped together the president's face is off like he didn't do a good job yeah that is it is such a funny thing and when you're explaining it like when someone just says it like i got a bad feeling you i think maybe we're conditioned from we see it so much in movies where we're always like, okay. But you actually do feel it. You live it. You notice people weren't leaving. And to notice something like that and just like, I just feel off.

It's crazy that it's right. I think you've got to be a little bit smart too, though. I don't think everybody always feels it. I think you're perceptive to pick up on certain things. I think there are some people who don't even realize it. Everybody who was with me was oblivious. Some people were with me. I was the only person like,

yo, are y'all not feeling this? I was very locked into it. You know you were good at it. You know the business well. It's too good to end up well. It's too good to be true.

If you were to explain it to somebody, to try and put it into words. I was actually just thinking about it when you were talking about getting kicked in the chest. The only way to describe getting kicked in the chest is it's like getting kicked in the chest. There's no other way. I can't paint it any clearer.

It's like getting kicked in the chest. If you were to trying to explain to someone how you know they're just like dude you don't have superpowers I know I don't but like I just fucking know right now trying to convince someone else of that it's impossible

it sounds like a genuine super power but you keep like when you explain it getting kicked in the chest to explain it you have to say everything that is not close to, that people would think. It's not like this. It's not, oh, you think it's like this? No, it's not like this. It's not like dropping a medicine ball in your chest.

It's different. So you got to, with this, I was really trying to get them to understand, hey, nobody, do you not see a cleaning woman that's not moving? Like, it's nothing happening. Have you ever seen this at noon at a motel? And it's still over the head. See, I would still, if I was like you, I would be pitching it as hard as you did. And if I didn't feel it, I'd be like, you're nuts. Nah, you're an idiot. You're just seeing things and making it up.

Okay, watch me run away from this thing. How about that? Does that give you evidence enough that I am running totally away this way from this thing? I just, you can't explain something to people sometimes. Yeah. It's like with how to do stand-up and why people do things the way that they do it. You can't really explain. People would ask me all the time why I'm not moving to L.A., why I'm not moving to New York.

That's not my actual path. I didn't think that comedy rested in only two places in the United States. I just didn't feel that. And I felt like if you move from somewhere without already developing, then you're going somewhere else to start over. You're not developed yet. When I used to come to

New York, I was already ready. I was already doing, when I came, it was already a buzz about me when I would come do the rooms early on before the 10-year mark. I'm at 25 years now. So I don't go to places that go up no more. They were like, are you in town? You going up somewhere?

I'm like, you must be new. I do not need that. I'm on the road. I'm actually off for the next three weeks, and I'm so excited. I can't even explain. You know, this is my last thing to do. Let's wrap it up. Go.

This is like for the special, the last piece of press? No, not the last piece of press ever, but for the next three weeks. I am totally after the 4th of July. And see, I'm a big 4th of July guy. Really?

For the fireworks. And not only am I big, I'm also in competition. See, where I live at, it's a cul-de-sac with like seven houses in it. So who can put on that show? And they all get together and do a big thing together. How many people blow off their fingers? They lost three fingers.

These three right here. No, they do pretty well. I'm two streets over. Okay. And I'm just representing for my street because everybody watches them. The year before last,

a lot of people came out to watch mine. So they would set something off, and I would set something off right after that. And then I'm like, oh, so. And I learned they was holding out for the big finale at the end, and I had shot my load in the middle one year. You know what I'm saying?

This year, I'm all, no, I got it all ready. I'm going to probably spend spend three thousand dollars on fireworks because are we talking like fucking like macy's baboom fireworks we're talking about explosions in the sky explosions and i still get we they sell um they sell uh five thousand They sell 5,000 drum Black Cats. I get like four of them. Oh, my God. Do you understand? When you light them, it sound like 700 mobs with Tommy guns. Oh, yeah.

Going on. It's crazy. And I can't wait. And it's just for pride? You just get to be like, I put on the best show? It's just for pride. And I drive past after they done. I'm like, like, I put on the best show? It's just for pride. And I drive past after they're done, like, yeah, y'all see what I did

over there? I'm against seven families, and I'm just holding it down by myself. It was weird. The neighbors on my street, they like, they know I'm so responsible. And a whole hour before it's time to do the fireworks, I come out, and I

wet everybody's house in front. No way. I wet their grass. Keep it all safe and early. I had this long water hose that stretched, and I got it on both sides of my house. I just wet everybody's stuff down. And I'm like, hey, just in case. You know what I'm saying?

Something get a ride. We already got one layer of water down. One layer of water. You see Ali running around with the fucking hose, you duck. And in my yard, I got the little

sprinklers going. I need mine to be super wet because it's closest to me. And I got this little box built now to where you put the box

of fireworks in and it can't come this way. It can only go up. So you're not going to blow yourself up. I am so excited and so ready. I don't think I've ever met someone that's passionate about fireworks. So you're not going to blow yourself up. I am so excited and so ready. I don't think I've ever met

someone as passionate about fireworks as you are. Once you get in competition, it becomes different. It's something I can see, guys. If that's your world, if you think you had the big finale and someone else shows you up, it's got to

kill you. And you've got to wait all next year. It's not that you can't go out next week and do it. It can't be next week to kill you. And you got to wait all next year. It's not that you can't go out next week and do it. It can't be next week. Yeah, one shot. And I read the directions. You know how people end up messed up? They don't put the box the right way.

It's an arrow that tells you which way the box should be facing. And if it's not facing that way, it's different. And I learned that lesson, you know, the hard way. I wasn't paying attention. I just put the box down because I was rushing. Oh, no, never again. What happened? Man, they go everywhere.

They go everywhere. And I have a dog, and you don't know how much dogs do not like me. Yeah. We put him in. I've gotten so bougie, man. I usually would have just left the dog in the backyard. Whatever he's dealing with, he's dealing with it. Now I take my dog to the pet suite.

He stays there for the night. Yeah, he got a nice little lavish room with a TV. Why does a dog have a TV? And it was great. It's the thing. So I have a cane, Corso. And so they have a regular, I can't remember what it is, cement, gate, dog bowl, other dogs. Regular dog shit, yeah.

And it just looked like he was living in poverty. And I was like, no. To the penthouse, let's go. Can I see the other thing? What kind of dog is it? A cane, Corso. Oh, never. To the penthouse. Let's go. Can I see the other thing? What kind of dog is it? A cane, Corso. Oh, okay. So he goes into this other thing.

It's air-conditioned. It's sectioned off. They got a little glass door. It's a bed and a TV in there. I'm like, yeah, we'll take this. And I couldn't believe it. I'm like, man, this dog is living like at the Ritz Carlton of dog sweets. That dog is living better than 99% of the people in the world.

And we brought his food. And the lady was like, oh, y'all are quite fancy. Because he's raw. So it was a bunch of ground beef and T-bones. Like, this dog is. You're doing right, man. He's very bougie. Bougie dog.

That doesn't mean the fireworks, though. That's nice. I'm not anti-fireworks, but I'm just not a fireworks guy, either. If you gave me the option, you want a fireworks show? You want to go sleep with the dogs? Oh, I'd go with the dogs.

What are they showing on TV? Did he share his bed? What's the deal? sleep with the dogs. Oh, I'd go with the dogs. I'd be like, I don't know, what are they showing on TV? I was at a wedding. Did he share his bed? Like, what's the deal? I was at a wedding that had fireworks and they were on, like, a golf course at a country club, and these guys running it were like, it looked like they were in Nam. They were in a bunker.

It was like their, like, headquarters. They were, like, throwing things in, diving down. I was like, I don't think these guys know what they're doing. They were legit, like, diving for diving for cover i was like i'd argue there's no such thing as a fireworks expert like it's just like when i was when i was really young you don't i was i was uh it was fourth of july and uh i like i feel like everyone's got like the one uncle i have one uncle who i'm from massachusetts and fireworks aren't legal there, so he would drive to New Hampshire to go buy fireworks. Go to Pennsylvania.

He'd come back. And we went to my dad's office one Fourth of July, and we're watching the fireworks in my hometown from a balcony. And my uncle's like, I brought a bunch of my own. So we start firing them off the balcony. But there's just a fucking park full of people below us. And so they're just like raining

down on the park of people. And someone called the cops, so like eight cop cars roll up, like a bunch of cop cars roll up. And like as a kid in my head, I was like alright, like I was like really, I was like under 10. And I was like, my dad is going to handle this, I guess.

And he just goes, everyone duck! So we all duck and we're like hiding. We're hiding behind the balcony. It's me. It's my little sister. She's in tears. Like, shut the fuck up, Hannah. And the cops, you'd think that they'd, like, I don't know, move on.

Like, the fireworks stopped. There's not too much going on. Spotlight. No. There's a spotlight going on the side of the building. And my dad's just like, everyone shut up. Everyone shut up. And the cops get on the megaphone they're like we know you're up there

so my uncle's like all right i'll go handle it we can see where the fireworks were coming from and my my uncle goes to like handle it and they're like having a conversation with the police officers and his voice just gets a little bit louder. He just goes, oh, you want to go up? And so you want to go up to the balcony? So we all hear it. And I'm like, again, I'm like, all right, I guess my dad will just talk to the police officers now. And my dad just starts handing me and my siblings handfuls of fireworks. He's like, go hide these, go hide these, go hide these.

So we'll run around the office, just like open people's desks and shoving fireworks in there. And then they come up onto the balcony, they're like, we're all fireworks. My dad's like, we were just doing firecrackers. We don't know what you're talking about. People were coming back to his work the next day for weeks just being like, why the fuck is my desk full of fireworks? We were just doing firecrackers.

I had no idea what you were discussing. Just the boys hanging. The time that that happened to me with the spotlight and the cops. Me and my sister were throwing eggs at cars off our back balcony. And I don't know why these people just stopped and called the police. Probably because they were getting the eggs thrown at them. And the cop would not let it rest. He was spotlight

and me and my sister, we just on the thing. My sister has the bright idea to say, look, okay, I'm going to slide the door open. The patio door open just a little bit and we're going to slide in the house.

As we and we inching it and the man say, we see you opening the door. And then my sister just closed it. I'm like, that is ridiculous. Okay, we're up here.

Okay. We're throwing eggs. Apologize. Dude, we did that here. We're throwing eggs. Apologize. Dude, we did that once. We were throwing snowballs or something. And it was like a stay off from school. And just causing ruckus on the street. Putting people in real danger.

Oh, you used to throw rocks. I mean, rocks is fucking dangerous. Just throw a rock in a car. We used to throw rocks at the bus. Bus. We threw it on Boston Post Road. Because the bus, I feel like, can throw a rock in a car we used to throw rocks at we used to throw rocks at the bus bus that's what we we threw it on boston post road because the the bus i feel like can take a rock you know what i mean you hit a you hit like a two-door with a fucking rock you're in trouble you hit a bus he doesn't give a shit he's gonna keep driving whatever they did they that was not true they do not believe in that yeah we we threw rocks at this bus, and the bus driver stopped the bus and got off and chased us

and ran us down and punched all of us in the head. It was just one time. There was a whole bus full of people going, we got to get to fucking work. This was a school bus driver. This was another school. Like, yo, man, I don't think he's supposed to punch us, Mr. Ricky. He knew us. It ain't like we were strange children. He'd be waiting for it.

All he knew had his one coming for a while. He'd been waiting. What if some kids egged your house today? Would you be pissed about it? Or would you be like, I used to do that shit too? If they... Okay, let me add some stuff to it.

I need to know. Do I know them? Are they kids in the neighborhood? Or are they just random people just coming through the neighborhood that I don't know? Hopefully they're kids in the neighborhood because now it's on. Now it is definitely on. You don't know who it is but you you see them running away and you're like i think that's you know two doors down i think that's what timmy

good good yeah as long as i get a bead on them okay right all right all right little jeremiah sure got something coming for you i don't see i think i don't because i don't have a day job and i'm home in the daytime and I'm ready. Looking at you and some shit. And I'm ready. I'm Dennis the Menace. The old man. Yeah, buddy.

I got time today. I got time today. Dude, ask your dad what happened with the fireworks. Go fucking tell him. Your father knows me. That's crazy because the kid down the street, I would come. Every time I would come he would say

nice dog and like every this man see me every day nice dog and I said hey man if my dog

come up missing you do know I'm going to come right back and I said are you going to say that every time he's like

yep and so happened I'm coming down the street, and his father's pulling up. And his father got out and spoke. Hey, Ali, what's going on, man? I said, hey, man, this is your son. Tell your son to stop bothering me. And he said, what are you doing?

I said, man, after I come down down, he's talking about my dog. He said, man, because he kind of wants that dog. Because they got a little bitty dog. I said, I told him, if my dog come up missing, I'm coming right down here. And I just happened to know the kid's father. But I was waiting

on him. I was just jacking him up. Because I know in my neighborhood, everybody knows my son. They know him by the dog, and I know in my neighborhood everybody knows my son they know him by the dog and they know him by him and my son is a very adventurous black child like this is a very different kid than how I grew up

and the neighbors always want to tell me a story about him hey saw your son the other day he was we have these lakes in our neighborhood. He said, this white guy named Steve said, I saw your son the other day. I said, see what he was doing. Oh, no.

He put both of us in danger. I said, what happened? My son is fishing, and he caught something. So Steve sees that he's struggling to get it out. And so he goes to the pond. He's helping him. And when it comes up, it's a four-foot alligator. It's not like it's a fish.

I wonder if he's struggling. I say, four foot? And so my son, the lady who lives in my house affectionately, what I call her, he has the tail, which is a dangerous part of an alligator. He has a tail, and he got on FaceTime talking, Mama, look, I got the alligator. I said, he's insane. This is an insane child. He's 12. Oh, man.

And he's homeschooled. He's the worst child ever. This is the worst child. No, this is a very uppity child. Like, I remember his grandmother convinced him, oh, you need to go to school with other kids and everything. And I said to him, I told him, I said, Hasan, you're not going to like going to school. You're not going to like it. He's like, oh, I just want to try it. Oh, so like going to school you're not gonna like it he's like

oh I just wanna try it oh so he went to school I said now once you go you have to stay for at least a semester Hasan couldn't take it

Hasan lasted a month he every day he would come and complain about how nasty the restrooms were like I'm telling you he's like the restrooms were. Like, I'm telling you, he's like, the restrooms are so filthy.

And then the breaking point, the breaking point, my son came in and said, Dad, can't do it no more. Won't do it. Not willing to go back. I said, what's going on, son? He's like, I've been here a month, haven't had a full

meal yet. Because they don't give him time to eat his lunch. He said, I'm not talking to nobody. He said, I sit down, I start eating. All of a sudden, we got to go. Nope, can't do it. Not good for the digestive system. Not good for my health.

He'll wrestle an alligator, but he needs a full 30 minutes to eat lunch. And he wasn't doing it. wrestler alligator but you know he needs a full 30 minutes to eat and it's and it's and he he wasn't doing it and hasan has been home since he was second grade so hasan is sixth grade now seven seven grade and he he's not going back how's that for you being yeah because you're yeah are you doing the teaching i I used to when he was younger. Now it's not my job anymore. I have passed my duty zone to other people. But it's a good thing that certain things I don't worry about.

Certain serious things that happen on the news, I'm like, Never have to worry about that. I don't be concerned. I think it's just better for my particular lifestyle to have my kids. Because I'm a worrier now. Because I used to be. It's kind of like I'm almost an absent father. Even though they see me every week.

I start my week off home. But I'm not there during important times sometimes. That's a tough part of the industry. A lot of guys we talk to are like, you got to make the decision between family time and road time and money versus quality time. And I think that I'm all right because my oldest daughter is 24. And she was with me when I was really trying to come up, and I didn't have any time. Now I'm taking a three-week break, and I'm not financing.

Yeah, that wasn't happening back in the day. Three weeks. Not three hours. I used to be the guy who would do five, six spots in a night. Right. And I'm going to be there because I'm working on it. I'm trying to get it down. It's like,

oh, I get five, six practices? I'm doing five a day. And what city did you do that mostly? Houston. Houston. Yeah, you know, which is, I think I've always thought Houston was a great developing ground for comics

because when you ask other people, how much time did you get to work on your stuff? So in L.A., you're getting three, you're getting five, you're getting seven minutes. You're getting ten once you get up there, but you already, by the time you develop 20 minutes, I'm on to like maybe the fourth hour because i'm going up and i'm doing 30 minutes spots i'm doing 25 minute spots i'm doing 40 minute spots a lot yeah and then i have a room that i'm doing as much time as i want to until i start bringing up other comics. So I had an advantage with time.

You know, kind of cultivating time. So when I would go on the road with other people or people would come in town and they were like, well, I want a strong feature. And the improv would be like, okay. And then they would call me

and they'd be like, oh hell no, not that strong. What about a decent feature? And I used to be a problem from the host position. You would come in town, anybody who came in town,

and there's a lot of guys over this 25 year, they'll say, no, the worst thing I ever did was he hosted. So he set the room like he wanted it. And it was a pace that I couldn't meet up to the expectation of what he

had already did. So I'm going out doing 10 or 15, and I'm doing two in between to bring you up. I'm not going and I used bring you up, I'm not going to... I used to tell guys, I'm the perfect assist man. I already got it here for you.

You just got to really just ride the weight. I'm coming out first. I'm coming out first. People say, hey man, you do know this is going to be a hard night. Why do you say that? You know the host is going to get a standing ovation. Ain't no goddamn way the host is going to get a standing ovation.

Not in 10 minutes. They're like, do you know him? He's like, no, I've never met him before. Okay. See what happens. Ask, go around and ask anybody what's about to happen. And they're like, yeah, Ali is about to be a problem. That's a good feeling, man.

Because he's going to. Having that reputation. I'm a, and it was, it's good and bad. Because sometimes people don't want you. Yeah, no, I get that. But that's their problem, not your problem. You know what I mean? That's on them.

I used to show up to places and people are like, hey, as soon as I come in, before they even speak, hey man, when you going? Like, huh? I don't know, I just got here hey, man, when you going? Like, huh? I don't know. I just got here. But when you going up, though? Like, I don't know. I just got here. I didn't see the list.

And they want to make sure that it's not close to them. Because I would follow anybody. I'd never worried about what your energy was or whatever. I'm just going up to go do me. Like, man, and I'm just going up to go do me. Like, man, and I'm well seasoned. He's like, I just met him. Oh, yeah, good.

Because he's been doing it 15 years, watching Z, what he going to do. And now I'm at 25 years, and I'm not, I can't be a pool shark no more. I used to come in, yeah, I don't know a pool shark no more. I used to come in and, eh, I don't know what I'm doing. Now the reputation precedes you. I remember Patrice O'Neal, when he first met me,

Patrice was just looking at me. He just looked at me like, you're going to be a problem. That's the highest compliment you can get, right? Because quiet ain't nobody else in there quiet everybody here trying to do their stuff you just you just sitting over here like a assassin i'm like we'll see we'll find out then he saw it he was like yeah i knew it and a lot of guys are like that with me, which is the best compliment, because I've always wanted to be a comics comic. I always wanted to be one of them guys who people were like, hey, hey, man, watch. The people who know it best.

Yeah. From people who, you know, you get an admiration, because it's guys like, like, no. When Magic Johnson used to walk in the gym, wasn't nobody like. Right. You know, when Jordan comes in the gym, there's no, you know, it's either, even other great players were like... Here we go.

It's about to happen. Barkley's in here. Right, right, right. Let's see what's going to go down. The highest compliment you can get, man. You said something interesting in the special when you're talking about meeting T's parents for the first time. And I'm glad you brought the basketball because we always talk about like, oh, would you rather be able to dunk or throw a baseball 100 miles an hour?

Things we'll like never be able to feel. Things like, I can't do it. It's not my body. I'm not capable of doing it. But you talk about meeting her parents and when you got the mom to lean back and laugh. And you're like, you know when you get a lean back laugh yeah and i was like it kind of hit me i was like i was like oh yeah like it almost made me feel like good about myself i'm like not everyone can do that no like not everyone can go when i've got lean back laughs like that a parent of a boss an interview

whatever you know when you like nailed it The lean man. You want a CT? Oh, yeah. I was going to ask if you ever reconnected. No way. Wow. Wow. All right, I get why you were so sad. I get why you were so sad.

I'm excited. It makes a lot more sense. It makes a lot more sense, right? When we were talking earlier, I was like, come on, really? Did that make you a deal? You were what, 14? How old were talking earlier, I was like, come on, really? Did that make a deal? You were what, 14? How old were you?

I was 16. You were 16? Yeah, you succeed and you lose that. Oh, no, my life is over. My life was not going well. So when you are talking about her on stage, does she catch wind of it and reconnect with you? That's how. So this is the picture that she sent me.

It said, really? That's the picture that she sent me with the face. He's gorgeous. He is gorgeous. For real, I'm not kidding. We were talking about, because on this special,

you talk about your sister, which is obviously very tragic, and then this, and it was like, one of those things is a lot more tragic than the other, but now that I'm looking at it, it this special, you talk about your sister, which is obviously very tragic. And then this. And it was like, one of those things is a lot more tragic than the other. But now that I'm looking at it. Stop.

Damn. Those are equally as tragic. Shit. It was a thing, man. She should be, you know, fucking famous and doing her own thing. God damn. And that's the thing. So when I was doing it,

not only that, Patrice sent me a picture of the lady who I said my dad's girlfriend that I was wrong as hell for getting her to take me instead of my mom. She sent me a picture

of us back in there and I laughed so hard. And under her message, she said, oh, is that why you had so much money when you was in high school? Because she didn't know what I was doing either. You know, I was a. Kept it under wraps. I kept everything under wraps.

So this is a picture of me, Patrice, and T. I'm trying to find my phone. Let me do it. I want to do it. So you can see it, but I don't know how to blow it up for some reason. Wow. That's T. That's me.

I'm still saying I got a silk shirt on. You can tell I'm not doing what normal high school kids are doing. And me and Tia, like, yeah. I'm like, you know. Tia's, Tia's. Tia, I get everything now. It makes a lot more sense when people see it.

God damn. And like in the special, I put those pieces in there those talk talking head pieces for validation of the story from other people that i still am i still am in contact with since high school you know and that that was important to me totally i mean there's a lot of like made up stuff embellished whatever, but the people who can confirm, like, all this shit was real, this is true, this is what's going on, means

a lot. And that's the... I think... I'm just walking in this lane of the people who influence me the most. I remember when D.L. Hughley told me, he said, man, the funniest you're gonna ever be in life is based upon how honest you want to be.

And when you think about it and you look at it, your life, things that happen in your life are very, very funny, even when they, you know, kind of dark a little bit. But if you can convey that understanding to somebody else. And I've been in some of the worst kind of positions, man. At my grandmother's funeral, it's all these people crying and doing all this. And my sister taps me. She said, you know what's crazy? Everybody going to be hungry

in about 15 minutes. And I'm like, is that what you're thinking about? Doing the closet is? She's not wrong though, man. That's why there's always a big party afterwards, man. And this is like,

I'm like, and then when I saw everybody eating afterwards, and my sister looked at me like, don't do it. And I'm dying laughing. And they're like, man, what's funny? I'm like, you don't even understand. You had to be in the moment.

So even in every tragedy and everything, it's always a moment. You know, it's just them things. So you just try to find those nuggets in your life I remember Tracy Morgan we was talking one day this guy named John Gard which I love to death John Gard another comic he asked him John how much

time you got John was like 45 minutes Tracy was like wow wow Ali ask me how much time I got. I said, Tracy, how much time you got? All day! All day!

That's a great response. Sounds like it too. So he said, I'm going to talk about the 25 minutes that I like to talk about every day. And man, you listen to that and you feel that. You're like, man, you know something?

Something did happen. 25 minutes of this day was hilarious. You know, like when my brother called me, my brother's mom called me, Patrice, she called me and she asked me had I seen him. I was like no wow why is he missing or something she said no i just seen on his instagram he said locked up in mexico i said well that answers it we know yeah he locked up in mexico's instagram

you know and that's like what we gonna do i don't know i'm not in mexico i've never been locked up in Mexico. I'll call the A-Team. We'll get him out. And my brother got out. And then I said, hey, you see, apparently he wasn't going to come home because he's ziplining on his Instagram. I saw him on his Instagram ziplining.

Now, we got him out, sent the money to get him out. He didn't call us back. He didn't even leave Mexico. He ziplined. I'm like, yo, man, this is a crazy person. Like, what type of person goes to jail in Mexico and still want to stay in Mexico? He's not an adult. He's not an adult.

He's not. No adult person stays in Mexico. I don't even care if it's my first day. I'm coming home. I'm done. I've seen all I need to see in Mexico. I've seen your judicial system. It's horrible.

I've seen the inside of a prison. I'm out. How long was he in for? A day. A day. We got him out. I'm like, man, this is insane. I'm like, and I remember.

Zip lining. I can see him like looking at the watch, at the clock, actually be like, oh, just in time. We got that zip line appointment closing. Hey. Man, I couldn't. Sunset, let's go. I couldn't believe it, man.

He was out, and the next day he zip lining on Instagram live. I'm like, I hate him. I hate him. And I called his mom. I said, hey, you do know that he's not going to pay us any of this money. Yeah, that money is gone. And she said, why you say that? I said, because, okay, the last time he needed something.

Okay, how much money do you owe a car company for them to call your emergency contact? This man calls me. Hello, Master. I'm like, hey, what's going on? Do you know Darius? I'm like, yeah, that's my brother. Hey, man, he need to fucking pay us. I'm like, what?

I'm like, I say, sir, who is this? This was a car dealership. I'm like, hey. I say, sir, I'm not trying to be who is this this was a car dealership I'm like hey I say sir I'm not trying to be in y'all business but how much money does he owe you

that you have broken your professionalism sir this is what this is what I'm trying to figure out that you just

gonna say that he need to pay us and and I end up giving my brother the money for that. How much was it? $2,500. So you do realize that this is how this man, this 33-year-old child,

he calls me and said, hey. I said, what's up, Darius? Man, I just found this rockwalla at the dog park. Now, she got fleas right now. I'm going to go get her bathed and everything. But do you want her? I said, Darius, I don't want no lost and found Rockwalla. With fleas?

I don't. I don't. I don't care if you bathe her or not. I don't. I don't. I don't care if you bathe or not. I don't want. He said, see, every time I'm trying to pay you back, I don't want no fine rock wallow. You can't pay me back with a fine rock wallow. At the second, when the car dealership called,

I started scratching my head. I was like, boy, this is starting to sound like me. And then he dropped his age, and I was like, all right, yeah, that's me. Yeah, I'll try. I'll probably call my friends. You want a dog? I just came across a real nice dog. My brother, man, ever since, my brother is, and I always wanted a brother,

and now that I have a younger brother, like my older sister. Careful what you wish for, bro. My older sister is very responsible. Now I see what she has gone through with me because I have called my sister with the most outlandish nonsense. She's like, yo, are you

our parent's child? Because you are special. So now my brother calls me, hey man, I got this idea. No, bye.

Bye. I don't want to hear no more of your idea. I remember when Smokin' Hookahs was real big. It's still big, but people just

not getting to it. He called me, hey man, listen, I know you not going to do it, but I got a whole little setup. I just need to use your tax ID number to get the hookers.

So I buy him 10 hookers, all the tobacco he want, because he's going to start his business. I think he smoked more hookah. Never get high on your own supply. Even if it's hookah. This is to advertise. When I'm smoking, it makes other people want to smoke. I said, man, you are mentally disturbed.

And so we have nine unassembled hookahs in a garage somewhere because he can't find the hoses. He's just like, man, I have regretted ever wishing for you. I almost feel like I played a part in it now.

Hey, listen, I just got a truck. Okay. I'm trying to start this pressure washing business. What you got on it call it brother and brother i'm not doing no brother and brother pressure washing with you like man i have a job bro i'm busy i got real shit to do hey man i just saw this lawnmower, this ride and sit, $1,300. You can't beat that. I said, man, where did you see that?

Pawn shop. You know how I shop? My brother shops at the pawn shop. He said, hey, man, ain't nothing fake at the pawn shop. Pawn shop don't take nothing fake. And that's a real thing. Pawn shop don't take nothing you don't think this work

you don't think this line won't work man you think pawn shop is around here taking broke stuff and like man you got a lot of special things going on in your head you were talking about the finding like the humor in

darker situations, things like that. The funniest one you had to me was talking about being duct taped in the trunk of the car. But the worst part being that you didn't put the tire back right. So you're just not comfortable. And just like, I can see myself in the back of the car being like,

look, I'd have been fine if I just fucking put this tire back. And that was my real thought at the time. Like, yo, man, I did not. And for some reason, when I didn't put the back originally, I said, man, I don't know why I feel like I'm going to pay for this. For some reason, I felt it. Like, either something's going to happen and I'm going to have to go back and really do it. I should have just did it right the first time, not knowing I'm going to end up in the back of the thing.

I'm like, God damn it. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. When they duct taped you, did you fight? Were you just like, all right? You just knew it was over. Like, I'm getting duct taped. There's no stopping it, right?

There was no stopping it. That's it. I'd be like, all right, here you go. Leave it on my hands. Front, back, up, down, whatever. Front, up, back. What are you doing, man? Because I was so disgusted with...

I have an ability to make you... Try to make you feel bad about something that you're doing to me. Like, yo, I am very disgusted with Jesus' behavior. I remember when I got arrested for having a half a blunt in my car in a town that marijuana is not legal in Brazoria County. And I'm in the back and I'm handcuffed. And I told the officer, I said, man, I'm telling you, man, this is ridiculous. Man, you know, the first time I was ever arrested, I got arrested for five kilos of dope. And now you got me here on a half a blunt.

I'm ashamed of me and you. We should all be in Dyrus right now. I was coming in, I was like, I am for real. And so I'm in the end zone, and the officers, the sheriffs was like, yo, man, he's funny, because I am right.

I'm like, yo, y'all got Charles Manson in here. I'm like, this is crazy. I said, hey, man, how does it feel to catch El Chapo? This officer was like, yo, man, we need you to be quiet. Hey, man, listen, I need you to let me go. I got something to do. You know the worst part? This is very inconvenient, man.

I'm sitting there just handcuffed. They tried to put me in a holding cell. And the man said, we're going to need your shoe straight. I said, for what? He said, because we don't want you to hang yourself. Oh, so you think that I'm going to hang myself over a half a blunt? Oh, you have a lot of low self-esteem people back there, sir. Man, this one sheriff was like, man, he is the funniest.

Check me out on YouTube. I was giving it to them, man, because I was 43 at the time. I was 43, and I was so disgusted. And let me tell you the worst part of it. I got arrested at 9.30 a.m. That's when I got to that place. They arrested me about 9 o'clock. I got to that place about 9.30.

And I was like, hey, I need to use the phone so I can make my phone call, so I can get bothered out. And the man said, well, I need to use the phone so I can make my phone call, so I can get bonded out. And the man said, well, you got to see a judge in order to get bonded out. And I said, well, come on, take me to the judge. Let him get to judging. And the man said, he said, well, the judge is gone for the day. And I said, at 9 a.m.? I said, is he done judging for the day?

I said, clearly, there's a noon judge. I said this out loud. I said, clearly, there's a noon judge coming. And this little white guy, he was like 22 years old, he said, he started laughing. And I said, hey, hey, my man, let me tell you something. I don't take kindly of people being in my business I'm not no jail dude I came from penitentiary

don't play with me young man he said I ain't laughing at you I'm laughing at the fact that you think a noon judge I said out of here

you know a noon judge ain't coming he told me man I have been arrested here 21 times ain't no noon judge and I said 21 times. Ain't no dude. And I said, 21 times?

God damn. I was like, what are you doing? End up talking to him about his whole thing and we end up in the cell together. I was like,

man, I had to say that overnight. Really? I was, oh man, do you understand? I am the spokesperson at the time for Al Rucker's Midtown Bail Bonds.

I am the spokesperson for a bail bond company. And the slogan is, if you go to jail, we'll get you out. How the hell am I still in here? Because the judge is done judging for the day. How can you even say he's done judging for the day. 9.30. How can you even say he's done for the day? It's 9.30. His day didn't start yet.

He didn't come to the day. It was crazy when the next day, he started at 5.30. What? They started bringing people to court to see the judge at 5.30. I guess so, man. So at 8.30, he is done. He is gone for the day.

So when I came at 9.30, I was an hour after he had been gone. He was long gone, dude. He was ziplining me. He was ziplining me. And it was Chris. So 5.30, and they didn't have no big courtroom

it was just like a desk the judge a secretary and the bailiff standing there and this people just lying on the floor

and you just looking at he looking right at you like it's on you and everybody is involved in your business

it's like so man I got a traffic ticket they said no you had marijuana. Okay, technically, a half a blunt is not actually. And first of all, it wasn't mine. That I understood.

My brother had been using my truck while I was out of town and left it in the ashtray. Started a power washing company. I have no, just started a power washing company. I had no idea and I'm taking, I'm taking my son to school. I said, I wasn't smoking anything.

I wasn't, I was nothing and I end up going, spending the night in jail and I would, I don't think my back has ever recovered.

You can take, you can take a bumpy prison mattress when you 19. Not when you 43 and you sleeping on a very comfortable mattress every night. Yeah, for real. I can't even do a fucking Tempur-Pedic anymore. The noise was terrible.

I'm sitting there, and this is dude rapping about being in jail. I'm like, hey, you are not getting signed in here. Then this other dude at the window beat, I need my medication. I'm like, you should have thought about that when you got arrested. I'm like, I hate this place. Well, times are definitely much better right now. So good on you, man. The special is out.

The domino effect part two. Yes, sir. When can we expect part three? We start shooting in September. Oh, wow. Fast. I was just kind of busting your balls saying get to work, but that is pretty fast. I told you, we John Wickin' it.

Let's go. Let's go, man. Everybody else take a long time. Take three years to do a Seagull. Let's go. John Wickin' it. Every month. Well, thank you, man.

Appreciate your time, man. Thank you, man. Oh, pleasure was all bro. Appreciate the time, man. Thank you, bro. Oh, pleasure was all mine. Appreciate it, bro. All right. Big thanks for watching. If you made it through this whole episode, that means you should be subscribed. There's so many of you out there who watch and don't subscribe, so make sure you are

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