KFC Radio - Andrew Collin, Feits The Author, and Top 5 Activites That Make You Still Feel Athletic

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

Don't forget to subscribe, rate 5 stars, and leave a review! It's week eight of quarantine and Feits has officially given up on writing a book. We rank the top 5 activities that make you still feel athletic. Voicemails include helping your boyfriend last longer, water intake, a mysterious note, and more. Andrew Collin (@andrewtcollin) joins the show. We discuss how he got linked up with Nikki Glaser, how quarantine has affected his career trajectory, and how he's adapted to making content in quarantine. We also talk aids scares, gross sex stories, the best internet clap backs of all time, giving yourself a quarantine haircut, and much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Podcast Network. Week 8 of quarantine. We'd be, you know, halfway through an NFL season here into quarantine. And, you know, a lot of industries have been hit so hard we've talked about that at length and i think this is finally the week where the podcast industry at least our show is being hit because i just don't even know what to talk to you about we usually our show is not structured to begin with it's not like we have you know we've never

relied on one sport or one thing it's always been free for all and it's always been about our experiences and whatever we've been doing and we haven't been doing a thing we just sat here 4 36 as we record this i think we've been talking for 31 minutes trying to figure out something that we did to talk about, and there's nothing. I did something. Oh, Mr. Fancy Pants over here doing things. Okay.

First of all, look at me. I look kind of tan. I was going to get to it, but we might as well just do it right now. I don't know what kind of schedule you're on, but I get the feeling you keep showering right before our show, and I don't fucking like it. I don't know what kind of schedule you're on, but I get the feeling you keep showering right before our show, and I don't fucking like it. I don't like you one bit. This is only my second time showering before the show.

Well, you look fucking good when you do it, and it's – I don't like it. Yeah, I sat outside for a long time yesterday, so I got a little color in. You got some color. But the other thing I did is I've stopped writing a book. So that was the imaginary book writing that I'm no longer doing. Bro, I texted you, like, I think it was the day I was going home. And I was like, because objectively, what's happening is an interesting story where moderately successful adults are going home and living with their families again. Yeah, definitely. All my siblings have jobs and stuff, so it's like everyone lives alone, but we're all back together.

And it's like you get to redo childhood. That's objectively an interesting or unique case. Maybe not interesting, but unique. It's very rare that someone so i had the idea i texted it was like i'm gonna keep notes and like this is gonna be you know maybe one day i'll put this into a book i've stopped taking notes because nothing happens and the note the note taking is so funny because like one, it's like, John, you're going to be a writer. You need serious notes here. I have – okay, so, like – this is embarrassing.

Wait, wait. This is going to be great. John Henry, which, by the way, your pen name would have to be something like that. Like J.H. Feidelberg or J.Henry. His career as a novel writer is brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. I got them right here. Let me tell you something about flowers real quick. Let me tell you something as I peer through on the video.

Nature is fucking fascinating because we got these flowers. I got these flowers sent to me a week ago, and they were not in bloom. And now they, like, sprouted into this beautiful bouquet. When you order the 1-800-Flowers, they come so fresh that you get them right when they're on the verge of coming out. So you get, like, a full week of them at their peak. And now I've got this gorgeous bouquet of flowers here i also had some sent to my mom my baby mama uh they are they they do it right because they're fresh they're delivered on time they're full uh voluptuous bouquets drink water like a sumbitch

too what's that they drink water like a sumbitch you gotta face up a lot well i'm out yeah you're right i had this thing fucking full. And I was like, damn, this is like having planet Earth right here in my house. I'm watching these things grow bigger and fresher. How about that? Science, nature, unbelievable. And so you still got time, but not much. Get it in right now.

It's this Sunday. So if you want your mom to know that you love her, you want your wife, your baby mama, your aunt, your sister, whoever who has given the gift of life, you got to give them the gift of flowers. And it's not just flowers over at 1-800-Flowers.com. They have all sorts of nice gifts. Mine came with this nice purple vase, however you say it. So you can really show the people in your life, the moms of your life, that you love them by going to 1-800-Flowers.com. You click the radio icon, and you enter code KFC. So 1-800-Flowers, 1-800-Flowers.com. Click the radio icon. Enter code code KFC do it before Friday so just do

it right now just stop what you're doing do it now so you don't get in trouble for missing this one they've got roses lilies daisies uh palms all blooms tulips everything shipped right at their peak uh overnight to ensure freshness 1-800-Flowers.com click radio icon code KFC so Johnny Johnny Johnny Novels hit me Johnny Novels this is this is so bad it's also so funny the the like the amount of note taking on day one it goes like okay so day one and again goes like, okay. So day one, props to you for reading this.

Cause this is like reading your diary. I are like, this is, you know, where you think you're the funniest. You think you're the deepest. These are your thoughts. Think about it.

Where you're like, I must write this down because this is so good. And I don't want to forget it. So I'm fully like, I'm working back on this. I'm such an asshole. You're turning bright red. You're fucking like tight,

tightened up. This is going to be good. I'm fully thinking like I'm a writer. I'm a writer. The, the, uh, so first note, finally succumbed to a mother's request.

I have to read it in an accent. It's like the 1700s. This reminds me of those letters that people used to joke about Andrew Luck writing his Civil War letters. I've finally succumbed to my mother's requests. To our mother's, not my mother's. Our mother's requests. And she had been hassling, she was like, you should come home, you should come home.

So I finally succumbed. One last walk around an empty city. More police officers and soldiers and I'm going German with it. We're going Nazi there, huh? Okay. More police officers and soldiers than citizens.

People turning shoulders as you passed and jumping into empty streets to avoid even close encounters. Poetic. I like it, though. You're painting a picture. I get it. I'm on board. Walked by bars, frequented for years, and wondered if we'd ever set foot in them again. A few beers to stave off a hangover.

Empty the fridge of cupboards and perishable foods. Why did you go German? What is going on? I'm Feidelberg. The walk out to super cleaning with a mask on, reluctantly offers to grab a box which I say no to. I don't know when the next time I'll be able to

wash my hands. Wash my hands? Where are we here? It rains the whole way home while I sit in the back, maintaining a six-foot distance, a rear microphone blares in my ear, Aerosmith and Jay Giles band as my dad

tries to have a conversation, and we tiptoe around the fact that he's not taking this as seriously as I am. Fucking short-ass loser. I can absolutely feel how you think this is so important. This is going to be a novel. I am smashing it.

I'm going to be a New York Times bestseller with this one. Bro, it's such a fucking – two months ago, me two months ago, absolute dickhead. Dickhead now too. Dickhead period, but keep going. My mother packs a lunch Chicken salad and my favorite candy A Justin Spenard buttercup I never eat the apple

I fall asleep because I'm a fucking asshole My dad has made a 7 hour round trip To save me from the epicenter of a pandemic And I can't give him a co-pilot And then we get down endemic and I can't give him a co-pilot. And then we get down. That's day one. Day seven. First note. Woke up. Did nothing.

I have woke up. Did nothing. Workout. Cardio. Blog. Weights. Friday night fights. Those are my notes for thatights. Friday night bites. Those are my notes for that day. It went down so fast. So fucking fast. Then there are like random.

I have one day nine, April 5th, Sunday, woke up late. Okay, John. But then I think I tried to save it again and uh let's see here whereas uh i started writing this lesson notes and more in like just a thing uh this is this this is actually basically just became a podcast where it's like, I'm annoyed a lot. More than expected. Every phone vibration pisses me off. Every text is one

more straw on the annoyed millennial's back. Shut up, you dickhead! What an asshole. What a fucking asshole. You know what's so funny, though? I almost can remember, I can probably pinpoint the date you were saying that because I funny, though? Being, like, I almost can remember.

I can probably, like, pinpoint the date you were saying that because I remember the times that you were like, I don't want to fucking text with you guys. The group chat's out of control. I know I can see all of this, like, everything that corresponds there. Read that one again. The Millennial Bank. What was it? Every text is one more straw on the annoyed millennial's back. You fucking hero, dude. You're getting texts.

What a goddamn hardship you have. This is like World War II, John. When was your last entry? It was, I stopped, oh, no, Monday, April 20th. I stopped keeping track of days. It no longer has a day number, but it just says Monday, April 20th. That is fucking hilarious. There goes the book.

But you know what? This is funny because maybe not a book, but probably for some people a book. Everybody probably around our age or right around maybe a little bit earlier when when you have that that quarter life crisis the 27 club whatever it may be people when you have that realization that you there's no more graduation there's no next level and so your life is now whatever it is you make and everybody probably has that like i'm gonna i'm gonna get in shape i'm gonna pick up the ukulele i'm gonna learn an instrument i'm gonna learn a language i'm gonna write a book i'm gonna travel you know all these plans that you decide my life is gonna be this i'm gonna take the reins

and i'm gonna do it and you never fucking do it you do it i got day i got the day 20 that's pretty good oh no sorry not day 20 yeah but but also this is it's day 20 of step negative one this is the planning process to even begin the book so it's not much but it's more than more than you know more than i've done i you know i think everybody can relate on some level. Whatever it is. You know when Corona is like find your beach. Everybody has their book. I'm going to do it.

And I would imagine the percentage of people who follow through on those plans. A great way to convince yourself to not write a book is to start keeping notes to write a book. And then go back and read those notes. be like, this is not a fucking book. I can't imagine writing a book. And we are writers. Like, we can prolifically write. We write a lot. We can fill pages.

We can – I could write chapters. And even I'm like, this is the most daunting thought undertaking I can ever imagine. I think that if we wrote a book together, separately, about us, whatever, I think it would be huge. I think we would make a lot of money. I think it would be excellent. I think that we have lived while it's very like, yeah, we kind of like thumb in our dick while we blog. I actually think it's a very fascinating story. I think we're very, it's very like, kind of like thumbing our dick while we blog. I actually think it's a very fascinating story. I think we're very, there's not many who have lived our life. And I think it would be interesting. I was thinking about that actually just last night that I wish I'd taken notes on like the black outdoors. I just don't remember. Yeah, I know.

It's very, I liken it to the idea of stand up to like I've had this pipe dream of doing stand up and not ever trying to be a like a true stand up comedian, but my own form of it. It's like this is going to be some type I even see, like, a shred of improvement. Like, it's – everyone's like, you have to just get up there and bomb for, like, 10 years before you even see any sort of semblance of success. I can't – you're talking to the guy who couldn't watch two seasons of better call Saul. Cause I didn't let alone, I'm going to dedicate a decade of, of futility and failure.

And like the same thing with the book, it's like, I mean, I think that we would, the blackout tour, my personal struggles. And again, I really,

uh, not to like overly dramatize or romanticize what we did. I don't think there's anybody who did what we did like ever. Like we kind of wrote the blueprint for not to say that that's it's the most interesting or the hardest. But we were like the biggest blog during the era of like blogs arriving. And everything we were doing was kind of writing the rule book and writing the blueprint. And I think that's fascinating. I think people would love to hear that and i think it would be a success and but we'll get fired i what the reason i'll never do i'll have to get fired to do it because like yeah as long as i keep coming on well i can still eat without that kind of work

so we need to be so broke that you know like i after maybe a couple years of panhandling then i'd be like all right all right i've been homeless long enough i i don't get like the people who you know i had harlan coban on on kc radio and he said you know he's written like fucking 75 books or something crazy and he he, you know, he just like will dedicate months at a time to just do like hours of writing every day. I just, but we do that. We did that,

you know, every day we used to blog for like eight hours. And if it was just in the form of a book, we would have written 10 books by now. That's true. We also had topics fed to us. Yes. And it was fresh and it was a paragraph at a time.

But the amount of writing is done. It's just the, you know, what it's about. And it's a shame, like you said, because every single day that goes on is a day that it's less that you remember. It's gone. Every single day is like a memory that would have been a great page. Gone. You'll never recapture it because you can't remember what you don't remember, you know?

But also, like, there are plenty of things. Like, it's not out of the realm of possibility. We'd remember it. It's like when we do the documentary stuff and it's fucking – Yeah, like me, Hank, and Gaz sitting in the room. We're talking about the Brady Four and I'm like, oh, shit, I forgot. If you wanted to do it, you can recapture those things. And you know what we should do?

Okay, right now, starting today, start to write notes on each and every day. And guess what? We're not going to do that either. Yeah, you'll write woke up late. Right now, you could make the argument. You know how people are talking about the earth itself, how like more animals are swimming and there's less pollution at night. Like the earth is brimming with like, you know know health and effervescence i think the human the human side of that is the total opposite i think right now is the most boring the collective humanity has ever been i think that's probably pretty accurate did this little like at least

there were dinosaurs trying to eat you that was exciting exciting. I know I can't get sick sitting on my couch. So that's why. It's not like the sickness is going to break in because the sickness is hungry like a dinosaur might. I can't get sick right here. So there's not really that overarching fear. And with no end in sight, it's just like I can't tell you a single funny anecdote. I can't tell you anything.

Someone tweeted that. Someone was like, oh, I can't just realize that Fights has been at home with Pauly for two months. Like going to have tons of material. Yeah, saw that. No conflicts or nothing interesting happens. Right. You got to do something stupid for her to yell at you when you're not doing anything. We just watch TV and drink wine every night.

It's sweet. Don't get me wrong. It's just not a great story to tell. When your job is to be storytellers, it's like, well, I got nothing. By the way, this is why we're the best in the biz because we just did 30 minutes on nothing. With some good laughs and some good comparisons and some good thoughts. Nobody can spin nothing into something better than us.

It is a Tuesday, though, so we do have our KC Radio Top 5 Tuesday. Of course, we'll be getting into our voicemails and also our guest today is Andrew Collin, who is Nikki Glaser's partner in crime. He is on her podcast all the time and opens up for her on the

road. And he was a funny motherfucker. He had himself quite an appearance. Quite a haircut as well. Oh, yeah. Big time Hitler look. You have the accent. He has the look. We got a lot of Nazi undertones today here on KFC Radio. Let's get into our top fives though um today's top five are things that make you still feel athletic and uh it's brought to you by kendra scott so uh our girls over at kendra scott sent us uh gifts and they come nicely uh wrapped up in these yellow boxes with a nice little like magnet connection. Uh, I had the earrings. I had the,

um, the like a pendant with like a topaz and, then a small, uh, topaz earrings to match. And I gave them out to the lovely ladies in my family. They were all very happy. I did a little early,

uh, a little early mother's day action. Cause I don't know if I'm actually going to see them on a Sunday. Cause who knows what's going on. But this weekend, you want to keep the women in your life happy. Kendra Scott – and it's not just Mother's Day. It could be all year round. That's the beauty of Kendra Scott is that it's all affordable and high quality

that you can get on their website shipped right to you. It's very – They have a necklace, like, which I gave to my mother and my sister already stole, but everyone loved it. So it was like, oh, I can't wait to wear this. And my sister stole it

and now she's just literally wearing it every day. So it's done. It's gold chain with blue-green emerald. It's gorgeous. The clothes in your life will love it. That's kind of two birds, one stone because you gave, you got the credit with the person you gave the gift to,

and then you get the other one is actually wearing it. You get credit with her too. So either way, you're covering all your bases. Kendra Scott is very like – I feel like it's like jewelry for the modern woman. It's like a little bit new age, a little bit cutting edge. It's still got a classic look to it, but it's not like boring jewelry. You know, this is like some cool, fun, new, sexy type shit that you can get for the young girls in your life, the older women in your life. Doesn't matter.

All affordable. They have price ranges in the $50 range, $75 range, $100 plus, all high quality. And you can get it right now at a great price when you go to KendraScott.com. And the deal is they will donate 20% of proceeds to Feeding America when you give the code KFCGIVEBACK. So it's the perfect gift for her, and it'll help out those in need. When you go to KendraScott.com, purchase anything, and use the code KFCGIVEBACK. Keep the girls in your life happy. And in turn, that makes you happy. Top five things that make you feel athletic.

I believe I have the number one overall pick today. No, you don't. Oh. Despite the fact that you did not want it. That's correct. That's right. Okay. You go first then. I don't know. I'm thinking about calling my shot that I'm going to win this one again. I don't want to doubt myself, but I would call your shot. I would call that as well.

Yes, I'm going to lose. I think I'm going to lose. Shot call. Yeah. Shot call. Number one. Maybe I'm good winking you and bamboozling you. Who knows?

Number one. Last cup and beer pong. Oh. But great pick. But are you doing that? Have you done that recently? It's not like a regular. None of these things are regular things.

Okay. But I played Beer Pong this past summer. And I played a good amount of Beer Pong this past summer with my child cousin. She wasn't drinking. But the... That is such a good one because not only do you feel nice, it gets a crowd reaction.

It gets... The key, the most important thing in athletics is knife through the heart of somebody. It gets the crowd hype, but it's a killer to the opponent. That feels good. You can argue there's no other time in life after a sports.

Yep. I said that before. When you get that immediate crowd roar that you cause a crowd roar, whoa! And everyone, you start yelling, fuck you, you suck. Okay. Let me ask you. That was my next question.

How do you celebrate your last cup? What do you do? I'm a silent assassin just to fucking act like you've been there before. No, no, no. I'm like fucking Barry Sanders. Here's the ball back to the ref. I'm Adam Oates. Never raised his hands after a goal, which my dad told me all the time as a kid,

and I've since gone back and watched Adam Oates. I'm a fucking celebrate his goals. But the – yeah, I'm not an Ovechkin type. I like people who sell – I like Ovechkin. I like a bat flip. It's just not my personality, so I'm just a killer. Yeah, I feel like it takes like a real – you know, they're really shit talking to get me to be like,

fuck your mother. Otherwise I'm just like, Oh, was that the last cup? I didn't, I didn't even realize I do that. Like all the fucking time, you know?

Um, I like, yeah, I like to let the other people do the celebrating for me. You need, what you need is a good partner who does like the shit talking. And like, I have a vivid memory and um uh we we

did a beer pong tournament in murray hill it was when i was in a sling and i was playing lefty and i think i'm like better lefty at beer button i don't know i have like better mechanics and uh me and uh my buddy ragi we got like decently far i think we made it to the finals and we lost but um i had did you see a couple weeks ago when they were rerunning that Dame Lillard walk-off? Yeah. He's being picked up and he's looking right at the camera, just

normal face. That was me. I hit the shot and he tried to pick me up and lift me and I had my fucking sling out. I just remember having a dead straight face looking at the other guys just like, yeah yeah that's right and it was probably the last time i felt like really yeah like this is an athletic competition and i've just fucking won you had that face like derrick rose with that tyler tweet where yeah what's well when you're trying to figure out what they're spelling as they chant MVP.

That was very good to me because it's so accurate. All right. My number one overall pick, and I thought about it. I was thinking about it in a different sense. That's why I had asked you, you know, how often are you doing it. But for the sheer amount of opportunities you get to do this, Kobe from Into the Garbage Can. That's a great one. That was going to be my number two.

That's a great one. I do it every fucking day at the office. Actually, that's something I miss right now is, you know, I got to, like, run to my fucking kitchen. I've got one that has a top on it. Having a garbage can available to just – Kobe. See, I'm the opposite. We have, like, a garbage can in our uh

stairway to the basement for recycling so like multiple times a day i open up the and i just shoot it in from there and you just get that little burst does that look like still got it first yeah in fact i would i would posit to you that the reason recycling still is kind of frowned upon is they make the hole so small. So I can't shoot it in. If recycling – it's like a bottle shape. Yeah, you got to get it through the bottle, yeah. If you had a full open hole for a recycling bin, I would be more likely to recycle. Yeah, but you know what?

They're probably – if you're like throwing glass bottles and shit, they probably do that for a reason could you imagine the amount of guys that tell me there's a scattering glass everywhere john henry i told you not to do that anymore yeah but that that to me uh i'll do that until you know so until the day i die i'm tossing garbage uh number two for me catching a fly like mr miyagi huh i said okay mr miyagi catching a fly or killing a mosquito or something like that if you like still show off those lightning fast reflexes if you if you catch a fly in uh like it's one thing alone in your room i had that epic battle with the mosquito earlier this uh quarantine um it's one thing alone in your room but like then you're like kind of like yeah i got it but if you do that in a public setting with people you're like the cat who brings home a dead bird you're like look what i got look what i got guys fucking got him i got him like if you're killing a mosquito you're killing something

that's a bother you are the hero of the night you're like you just made a mosquito, you're killing something that's a bother, you are the hero of the night. You just made this better. You keep doing, for the listeners at home, John's doing the grab with the hand. Are you including whack it with a paper or it's got to be plucked from the air with your hand? Whacking with a paper counts, but the grab with a hand when you can hold its dead corpse feels much better. When you can go around and show a carcass it's not one of those ones where it's like fucking you hit it and you're looking around like did we get it did we get it yeah hector and i'm gonna drag his dead body around in front of his

fucking father that's what i am i'm achilles with a with a uh fucking horse and buggy or whatever they called those things, and I'm dragging your dead god around. A chariot? A chariot. There it is. Yeah. I feel like what matters, too, is if you're in your apartment and you've got, like, one – it's almost like Breaking Bad.

It's like Jesse and Walt against the fly. When you've got one enemy that has been tormenting you for a while and it becomes personal, and then it's like this is a battle of endurance here, but you've got to get him when he's still somewhat fresh because a fly in your house for a couple days is like running out of gas and it's all slow. He's at top speed, still got turbo. That's when you're some Bruce Lee shit right there.

Okay, so my second pick here. This is kind of specific to me. I do it all the time. I love it. Not necessarily athleticism, but when I do my twirl. It's a good one. You got my twirl and I drop it here. This is the only thing i had available

when i have my pen i don't have any pens out when you can do a twirl i i rock it around uh around my thumb i know some people do that one that like it like snaps kind of but but i'll just sit there and i know i i look around and i can see other people looking at it you're in a meeting you're uh you know anywhere where there – you got the pen out. You're taking some notes. And I just sit there casually as I'm talking to. I'm like, oh, I don't even realize I'm doing this right here. It's like almost like part magic trick in a way because if people don't know what it is, they're like, what are you – what's going on there?

What are you doing? But the finger, any sort of pen trick with the hand gets a good like like oh boy dude you're like boris and golden eye dude in high school in high school i had uh you know there were a lot of people from everywhere and there were these three girls from korea who would sit in english class and they would all do it and they were so good and i was like i can't be getting my show run by people from korea and english first of all and have them fucking run up the score on me by embarrassing me with their pen tricks so i'd like i like practice at night i wouldn't do my homework while it would have been an easier way to get back at them but i just sit in my fucking room just trying to spin the pen and i

would i never got as good as them but i was in maybe seventh or eighth grade and it was kind of like a battle. No Koreans in my situation, just a couple of my buddies. And I got, I want to say, if I remember correctly, I did 237 in a row. And I sat in the middle of class and I just counted. I was just like one, two, three. And I had a big pen so I could do it fast. And it was like, I mean, I zoned out and was just thinking about that pen. And I had a couple other guys who watched me who were like, you motherfucker.

It was like a full-blown competition. But it's better about the people who don't know anything at all. And you're just like, oh, yeah, I mean, this is just how I do it. I'm just a wizard with my pen. Dude, in baseball, in high school, in the on-deck circle, I could do that with my bat. And I could also do...

What'd you do with the bat? I could do the pen twirl with my bat. Yeah. And then I could also do where you fake a cut, and you pull back, and the bat doesn't spin, and you catch it again. That is fucking sick.

In the on-de on deck circle i didn't warm up i played mental games i just be fucking just staring at the pitch like look at look what i can do with this thing with your fucking 74 mile an hour gas i'm gonna put that not over the fence because i don't have home run power i'm gonna hit that double to the gap no questions i was gonna say you better bring the fucking noise if you're doing that. Like, to me, if I'm doing that, I'm going to – hey, buddy, you see this right here? I'm going to slap this oppo for a little blue single, okay, pal? You better do it.

I do oppo with it. Dude, I fucking – it was – first of all, I was a monster in the box. I was dangerous. I think I hit like 600 my junior year. But it was no singles, no home runs. It was just double, double, double, double, double. All I did was smack them. That's how you want to live.

I'll take that on my team all day, every day. So wait, so you would do – on the way back, like on your backswing, you would spin it and catch it? You like pull back. You have to like snap your right back. Right, right. It stays. That's good.

I mean, you used to catch a couple in the fucking ear hole, no? No, no, no. I like – and guess what? If you ever did throw me and I avoided it, I would say it didn't hit me. I'm going to be like, take your base. I'd be like, that didn't hit me. I'm back in the bike. You're like, oh, no, if you're going to hit me, you better fucking throw me and I avoided it, I would say it didn't hit me. I'm going to take your base. I believe that didn't hit me. I'm back in the bike. If you're going to hit me, you better fucking hit me. Don't give me an excuse because guess what?

I'm hitting a double. I'm hitting a double. The probability is that I'm going to hit a double and I'm going to fucking do it. You better drill me if you want to hit me. Number three, hitting a pole or a tree with a rock. You know when you're just sitting there and you kind of just fucking Oh, I just did it!

Fucking smoked the side of it. I think Chaps was playing that with his daughter. He said it's a military game. Maybe it was passed down to me by military forefathers, but I just came out of the womb knowing that game. I mean, all respect to our forces, but throwing things at stuff is not, I don't know

if I'm going to let you guys claim that one. That's just a tale as old as time, man. That's just something we've all been doing. My buddy, I had a friend, Frankie Pizzulo was his name, and he was one of those kids. He could just do like everything. He's almost like that guy, Danny Duncan, who I've been talking about on Twitter who just does like weird shit. Like we would – like one time he had a Poland spring bottle, and we were walking on the street, and we were probably like – I want to say like two basketball courts away from the corner. And he was like, I bet you I could throw this bottle into the sewer there. And he just like whipped it on the ground and it just like skidded and just went into the sewer from like 200 feet away. And it was just like, why can you do things like that?

Hey, guys, want to watch me pollute? But it was cool. It was pretty cool pollution. He hit fucking bombs on the baseball diamond. He could pitch. He was a good athlete, but it also just translated into like, I'll throw this thing at that thing and it'll be cool. Done.

Especially when you hit like a stop sign or something like that. You get a ding. That's a big thing. Feels good. Feels real good. I'm going to throw it back. Does this specifically have to be like things that, you know, you can still do now or can we throw it back?

No, yeah, you did the baseball thing, right? Yeah, no, I just reminisced about high school athletics, so you're good. Right. It always made me feel more athletic like than I was, obviously, for like a split second you felt this like colossus type feeling. And that's a golf ball with a metal bat. Just tanking golf balls like 1,500 feet, you know? It was like having a real life game genie

where all of a sudden you were just blasting balls deep into the night. Talk about a ping. A golf ball on a metal bat or like a graphite bat. Dude, I was in high school again, and we used to go to like the Little League field where fences, you know, bucked on your dead center. And I had to hit those things 800 miles.

It was the most fun I've ever had. I'll never recapture that feeling. It is the most fun I've ever had. I'll never recapture that feeling. It is the most fun I've ever had in my life. You know what it reminds me of? And I think I learned this about Frankie Borelli. He told me this. And I saw it recently because it was another girl on, I think, our Instagram.

When you're at top golf or golf course, sorry, driving range at night, and it's one of those outdoor ones, every ball looks like it's going to the fucking moon because I think Mike Trout hit one, and that one actually did go to the moon. But Frankie kind of told me that anybody who hits a golf ball flush outdoors at the nighttime, it looks that way. But that's the feeling you get when you hit one, which, again, that's probably like manslaughter.

Those balls come down eventually. I used to just blast them out into the neighborhood. I don't know where they're going to come down at all. But that makes you feel like fucking Barry Bonds. I was just going to say, imagine getting to be Barry Bonds and you just feel like that with regular stuff. All the time, yeah, with actual ball. A wooden bat fucking hit 73 of them in a season.

Did you see that Barry Bonds stat yesterday that Coley had? There's like a three-year, four-year run where in games Barry Bonds went hitless. He still – his OBP was still 450. Wait, wait, wait. In games he went hitless? In games he went hitless, he still got on base almost half the time. Jesus Christ. It is. games he went hitless in games he went hitless he's still gone base almost half the time jesus christ it is it was but my favorite barry bond stat is still one that maybe i made up in my head

but um it was like in like it isn't like the sports science era or something like that it was that the uh pounds per pressure the force that his swing generated was akin to kneeling down at home plate with a – Oh, no, no, no. It was the force that a Mike Tyson punch generated. Yeah. Was akin to kneeling down at home plate with a pillow tied to your head and letting Barry Bond just take a full cut. Yo, I'm happy you brought that up because this happened yet again. I think we need to stop being surprised that Mike Tyson can still throw punches.

There was another video of him sparring. Not even sparring. What's it called when you're just hitting the pads? And everyone, Iron Mike, like, holy shit, he still got it. Like, we can do that when Mike's, like, 90, when it's like he shouldn't be able to move his hands at all, if he's still hitting the pads strong. But he like a 50 year old man i'm not yes i know he can still fucking knock my block off so we don't know the start of quarantine you could tell how quickly

financial hard times hit people where folks were quote tweeting that one of him just kind of juking and jiving with his dog and Would you get in the ring with Mike Tyson for 15 minutes for $1,000? No. I would not do that. Dude, 15 minutes with anybody. I wouldn't do that with you. Professional fighters

wouldn't do that for 15 minutes for $5 million. No, no. I'm not in my career where I need $5 million. Oh, no. No, I'm not. I'm not in my career where I need $5 million that badly. Get the fuck out of here. All right.

I'm up. No. No, you're up. Yeah, because you did the thing. Number four is that one, your one perfect spiral at the beach. When you're playing football at the beach and you just get that one throw and you're like, why wasn't I drafted? This doesn't make any sense. I'm so fucking good at this. You get one throw and then guess what? You got to go lay

down because your arm hurts. That's where it's like, oh, you also felt the pop and you're not going to be able to sleep for like a week. You look around, you maybe flex a little bit more. There are probably scouts here at Horse Neck Beach. I'm sure they saw me

i'm sure i'll go after joe borrow this year yo what's up girl you saw that right yeah i'm gonna give you if you're watching on video right now i'll give you a little little uh visual of my next one here and this kind of goes uh hand in hand. Can you see little tykes there? Oh, come on! Let's see how long it takes you to get one. We'll let it back. Oh, okay. There you go. I'm actually upset that I missed that

because usually I'm fucking money out here. It makes me think about how easy basketball must be when you are that size and you have like the hoop when like the ball is actually like this to Shaquille O'Neal and you're on this hoop but what goes hand in hand here with my little tykes is just in general uh being better than your kids that stuff it feels great. Like when I'm doing little tykes with Keegan, I'm just making it rain. And he's like, Daddy, you got it in.

I'm like, yeah, that's right. Yeah, I'm better than you, three-year-old. So my number four pick is just dominating your children in sports. That's a great one. That's a really, really, really good one. You feel real good about myself. Last one, number five, slipping on ice, but you catch yourself before you fall. Mmm. Mmm.

You look around, you're like, guess who's still got some kind of agility, some kind of rapid response. That also is one where, like, you didn't fall, but you tweaked your back, and you're not really going to be able to walk straight. You still need to lay down afterwards, but it's a voluntary lay down. It probably would be better for you to have fallen and just like bruised your ass than to do whatever you did to your back on the recovery. But hey, you still got it.

All right. My last pick is not quite athleticism, but in my mind it kind of is like being a better driver than people on the road. Like when I'm like zipping in and out and like kind of getting around people and like blowing by a guy. How often do you get this feeling? Because if the last year of this podcast is any hint, you're not a great driver.

Oh no, no, no. I'm a great driver. What, what, what are you getting the last year? Well,

it doesn't mean that I'm not good. That's kind of the point is that I'm usually zipping around. I get pulled over and shit, but it's because I'm well- Well, the police department of my insurance company don't think I'm a good driver, but what the fuck are they? You know, you're misusing the word, the term good. I'm a frowned upon legally driver, sure. I'm an illegal driver, but because i'm good at it i love like when i when i blow past a guy or like uh man like i love my favorite thing in the world is when i

see an asshole who's like coming up behind me and he's trying to drive fast and i can tell he's trying to like get an edge in traffic and he doesn't read the he doesn doesn't read the defense, right? You know, I'm like, Oh, you went all the way to the right lane thinking you're going to get around this. But if you just stuck in the left lane, you'd be light years ahead. And when I can look in the rear view or I get like, I blow past them. I'm like, you fucking idiot. I love that. That's one of my favorite memes is like when someone, the kind of the opposite of this,

like someone blows past you and you end up next to him at the, at a stoplight and it's dennis it just says laughter you dumb bitch he's in the car material yeah i uh to me driving is still the uh once you can't drive i think you're old you need to be put out to pasture but still being able to zip around and like hit the turn right i in my head i really would love to be uh like a i want to go can we race somewhere it's not go-kart racing i'd love to do like a real car on a track one day oh yeah i'm into that but like it's you know i don't want to die and i don't i don't want to also have to like train like it has to be i want to

just be able to like take my car car but go 120 somewhere on a track. I think you can do that with – I think there's a place you can do that. What's the fastest you've ever driven? Me and Dan did in Brockton. Yeah, I don't need that in my life. Speak of your back being fucked up, I'll be done for life. What's the fastest you've ever driven? What's that?

What's the fastest you've ever driven? What's that? What's the fastest you've ever driven? I'm not crazy fast. I would guess probably close to 100 very briefly. I did a buck 10 on I-95 once and the crazy thing was everyone else was too.

I was definitely going the fastest but it looked like I was just in the left lane being like the fast driver. And the guys in the right lane were going like 95, 95 on 95. It was crazy. I remember I had to – like I looked down. I was like, oh my – holy shit. Like I'd go to jail right now if I got pulled over because everybody was whipping. One time I was trying to get my friend home to uh fucking what do you call it at school um

check-in like nightly check-in and I was kind of buzzed going like probably like a buck ten or whatever and I went by a cop and I was like I'm gonna get a fucking DUI probably and I swerved off the road because there was I was I was in a Land Rover and there was like a Mitsubishi Mercedes slash Land Rover dealership so I fucking just went off the road parked in the dealership like I was one of their fucking cars

and then went turned off the lights and then went back roads to school and then got back on the highway going the other way to come home and saw the guy just sitting on the on-ramp that I'd taken waiting for me. And he did not get me. Wow, though.

That's some intense shit. Yeah, I've been in a high-speed race before. All right. So that's our top fives. Hit us up with any topics or lists you want us to do our top fives of each week, every Tuesday. we'll be doing them. It's time now to get into voicemails. They're brought to you by Rad Power Bikes.

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Phase one of the opening again today. Jersey, not so much. Osprey shut down for the summer. I'm trying to think if you ever went to Osprey. I know you went to Parker House. I don't know. Did that ring a bell at all, Osprey? Not really, no.

So the Osprey is a – Not a lot about that weekend rings a bell. Right. The Osprey is a bird, and that's the name of this this bar and the painted on the floor of the bar is a giant osprey with its wings out and it's like uh my buddy always told me before he lived down there so he had partied this bar all the time and i went down for the summer once and he told me like if you ever see the osprey, you're in trouble. Like, you've done the night wrong. Because it's like, you know, usually on the dance floor, you can't see anything.

But if you ever can look down and you see the bird, you're there way too late, and you need to get back home. So don't ever see the osprey. But, yeah, if you're going to be out at the beach and you don't want to be some peasant pedaling, you want a little electric uh electric boost the rad power bikes are there for you you can pedal it's got you know a regular bicycle but if you want that extra juice it's got the uh electric engine there so it's a traditional bike mixed with a moped uh and so that e-bike is the future, man. Like I said, it gives us the patent on this for far too long.

And it's time for us to get in on the action. For real. And that's what I'm saying. Like, you know, I want that. I like that rush. I like that idea of, you know, it's like I'm not going to be a motorcycle guy. You know, that's too much. A little too dangerous, too expensive.

You know, I always wondered when you see a guy on a motorcycle, like in the rain, just what do you do when you got to go somewhere and you have a motorcycle and it's pouring rain? It's like, yeah, all right, let me just get soaked as I get from, you know, my house to the work. Anyway, the e-bikes, Rad Power bikes are awesome. And, you know, if you're into the environment and whatnot, it keeps the carbon footprint down. And this is the largest e-brand bike in North America. So if you're into this at all, this is the way to go. It could be a new commute. It could be a way to get around the city or get out there in nature. Rad Power Bikes offers a flexible financing for as low as 0% APR. And right now for a limited time offer, you can get a free accessory with the purchase of an e-bike.

Right now, you get a free gift up to $100 in value, plus free shipping to the lower 48 states. In order to get this special offer, text the word SPORTS to 64000. That's S-P-O-R-T-S to 64000. Text SPORTS to 64000 to get your e-bike and the free $100 gift. Let's go. First voice note, what do we got? I've been in quarantine with my boyfriend for, I don't know, like seven weeks now.

And for some reason, when we have sex, it's still, like, he can only last, like, a minute or two or something like that. And so if you're going to talk about romance to a million times a day, I was wondering, is it? Am I a douche if I order him them and I tell him, hey, maybe use these or something like that? Am I a douche if I tell my boyfriend that he needs to figure out his shit and it won't last longer because it's not working, it's not working for me? So, yeah, let me know thanks yeah i i think this is all about bedside manner i think that it's um first of all we are living in the

future and you should know this by now if you're a listener to kfc radio we can fix this problem back if you if you called this voicemail line even just a year ago prior to roman swipes being invented i would tell you you can't say anything because this is like asking, you know, if a guy said, Hey, like, uh, your tits aren't big enough. It's like, I don't know. This is just what I was given by God and I can't do anything about it. But with some Roman swipes, um, for $5, you're going to get a free ad here, Roman. You're not on the schedule today. But if my girlfriend came to me and was like, hey, check it out, I got these new swipes, and you get to fuck me for

extra long now, I'd be like, if you presented it to me being like, hey, you little tiny pecker's not good when it's inside me, I would be like, oh, fuck. But if you told me, hey, this is going to be an enjoyable time for both of us, let's do this, I'd be like, all right, rock on, let's go. Dude, I don't

think so. I don't think you have this conversation because what you're saying in just not so many words is the penis I have sex with is not yours. That's the one that is your not getting the job done. I guess, I don't know.

Maybe you could make a sexy role play where it's like, I'm the doctor saving the soldier in the wound in the, and I must dress your wound. Just don't tell him it's a nunning swab. Boy, we're doing role play real seriously when you're taking out medical swipes. It's not just an outfit. We're doing real fucking medicine here. I don't know i mean first of all i

think it's um i think if you're with somebody and you know if it was like a new thing i think that's tough i think if you're with somebody you're dating you're in quarantine um i think it's just all about the presentation i think you can do this yeah i guess in the presentation but in the back of my mind i'm still gonna be like oh i'm a loser yeah but also don't you think you would already know that problem already yeah that's true if you you know what if you were lasting like like you get like a solid like 10 minutes and she throws it at you i think i'd be like wait a minute i thought i was doing like a pretty average job if you are a full-blown, legitimate one-minute man,

you know that. Yeah, that's true. But that's also why I haven't been involved. Why aren't you wearing a hat, you idiot? What do you mean? Get the swipes yourself? Yeah, you should have conquered this problem already.

This is on you. Yeah. You're dating a guy who stinks at sex and is dumb. So that's a great point. It's almost the same thing with the hair gummies and pills and stuff for your hair. You might not think that you need it, but just do it now because you might, and you might not realize it because people maybe – nobody's spoken up on it yet. You might need to fix your dick, so just get the swipes.

If you're the girl, let me just say this. It's got to be a real problem. Don't get greedy with this. If you're going to confront your boyfriend about his dick sucking, you better be like if you're confronting your boyfriend about his dick sucking on your hands phrasing phrasing um but john like you said like you're you're you're like yeah you're basically telling me you you i don't like the penis that i'm having sex with i think you could be like well telling me I don't like the penis that I'm having sex with.

I think you could be like, well, you know, I don't like the fucking ass on you that I'm having sex with. So I think you should – here's the thing. Okay, how about this? She gets to present you with the swipes or hit you with the real deal, but he gets like a shot back. I get to say something back to you. You know, keep it even. So to say back to you. Keep it even. It's up to you.

Those always work out well. Those have a 1,000% success rate. No, but all kidding aside, I think maybe I'm a little more secure than other guys, but I think if a girl hit me with Roman swipes and just said, yo, you's great. I want it to last as long as possible. Let's do this.

I get it, but okay, let's go next up. Hey, what's up boys. It's Troy from Chicago. And I got a question for you. So you know how you're supposed to drink about eight glasses of water a day, at least. How many glasses do you think you're behind in your lifetime? When I did the math, I'm 23 years old, and that says I should have been drinking at least 70,000 glasses of water. I'd say

I'm at least 20,000 behind. Let me know, Viva. Let me just do the math right here because, John, you've got a surplus, bro. I'm running up the score. I'm beating the shit out of necessary water. But not your whole life, your adult life for certain. When you were like a teenager, there's no way you were drinking like eight glasses of water.

I've always only drank water. Like I guess when I was a kid, I liked juicy juices and shit. But like I got made fun of for being like i just drink water yeah i wouldn't i mean yeah you're a loser dude it's never a health thing it's just that's just the only water only liquid i like that no but now i feel like you do it consciously right like i should have water no i know now it's now it's actually the exact opposite now it's subconscious now it's like i just like I just need to have water. I'm never getting up and be like, I must have water.

It's just I always have a water bottle in my hand. Let me see. Nice fucking security blanket. Like if I say something that people don't like, I just drink water. Yeah, that's good. If I have to tell a joke that falls flat, guess what? I can't hear the fall flat over the rush of water coming down on me. I'm going to waterboard

myself because my joke stunk. I've been at survival waterboarding. This guy drinks so much water. This is crazy. He's just sucking it down. I'm like fucking uh, fucking uh, Farva in

whatever one of the movies. Beerfest, right? Farva in whatever one of the movies. Beerfest, right? Yeah, where he falls into a vat and just drinks all the beer. You could try... If you threaten me with waterboarding, I'd just tell you because I don't really care.

I'd tell you where the president's secret location is, but if you tried to get get me if you tried had to do it i just drank it you did yeah fine fine so 365 days a year i am 35 years old and it's eight glasses per day i think that's outdated now to be totally honest but yes that's the number he said and they have said times eight eight. I should have had 102,200 glasses of water in my life. I have probably had like 2,200. I'm probably like 100 grand behind.

I've probably had 2,000 since quarantine started. I fill this thing up 10 times a day. Are you kidding me? Legit 10 times? I mean, not legit, but yes, many times. Yeah, you know what? We're probably close to 10. So if you did, again, by this standard, so we're at eight weeks times seven,

so that's 56 days times eight. You should have had 448 glasses of water. I feel like you smashed that. Crushed it. By the way, this is also two glasses. This is a big thing. I'm trying to find exactly how big it is, but no, it's not even close. I'm running

away with how many glasses of water I've had. Me versus water is like Monstars versus fucking every other team. If you did that 10 times and then it's double glasses, you would have had 1,120 bottles of water to the 448 recommended. You are hydrated like a motherfucker. I'm probably – I've come short on it 10 times a day probably. But yeah, I bet I've doubled up how much water I should have. That would be your saving grace, by the way. I think that it's just nothing but snacks and tobacco and bad shit,

but then you drink so much water that it keeps you alive. Yeah. Yeah. If I stopped drinking water, I'd probably die. Valid. Yeah. Maybe science. Science backs you up on that one.

Let's do a couple more. I can't see. I got a really interesting one. I bought a house over a year ago see. I got a really interesting one. I bought a house over a year ago, and I was getting the mail today. I look in the mail, and there's a package from a name I don't know. I don't know who the name is. Inside, I open up the package. There's pictures of my house, and they're just my house in a note saying,

you know, I used to live at this house 10 years ago. I love the tree in the front yard and the backyard. Can you send me some seeds or something along the tree so I can plant one in my house? You know, I've always been looking for that tree, but I can't find it. I am terrified right now. Am I about to be strangers? Like, you know, because you're at home and get fucking murdered? Let me know what I should do.

Thanks. Send the fucking guy some seeds. At first I was weirded out and then I thought... It's a little peculiar, but the guy likes the fucking tree. He can't find what kind of tree it is. Give the guy a tree. He's probably got some sentimental value.

I grew up in that house. I climbed it as a kid. My dad planted a tree and he passed on. Or he just like it after your virgin daughter. He asked for a seed. But I mean, that is a weird, that's a weird request. That's including the picture of the tree of the house is a little odd,

but that makes you feel like you've been spying on me. Right. But also he presented it weird. I think it's a picture of when they used to live there. And just be like, here's pictures of your house. Right. Like, this is what the house looks like when I lived there. I love this tree.

Can I have a seed, please? A single seed. Which is better than... But also, does this make me an idiot? I don't think I would know how to do that. I think you just... Well, yeah. If you just gave me an acorn, I't think I would know how to do that. I think you just... Well, yeah. If you just sent me an acorn, I would be like, okay, here you go.

I'd probably send you an acorn. And then you'd have to send me another letter and be like, that's not an idiot. I don't know where you can get a seed from a tree. Yeah, that's my point. I don't know if that makes me dumb. I'd be like, here's a leaf, a piece of the bark, and I scooped up dirt at the bottom. I hope there's a seed in there somewhere. Make a tree

out of that. That is exactly what I would do. I like Helga Pataki, how she used to have the Arnold gum statue in her room. I'd be like, here are the things to make a tree. Just build the tree. I don't know how you can grow it. Just stick all this stuff together and you have the tree.

I'm looking at it like this. I'd be like, here's a petal. Here's a weird thing from the inside and a piece of the stem. Build the flower. I don't fucking know. I'm not a botanist, bro. All right. Last voicemail of the day.

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inside, just want to look good and feel comfortable it's freeflyapparel.com slash kfc get those 20 off last one let's go so i uh had a thought the other day when is uh like masturbation gonna be like the same like taboo level as like taking a poop because like if you think about it taking a shit is way like grosser way more like invasive like maybe not as invasive whatever but if your shits are invasive you're doing it wrong taking a shit like my bushes at home but i've definitely like jerked off in there when I was younger. And like, when are you going to be able to go to work and be like, hey, sorry boss, I got to go to the bathroom for like 10 minutes.

I got to jerk off real quick. It takes a while. It doesn't smell. You know, you're done. All right, let me know. Bro, what? Okay. Well, I didn't even get what he was saying at first long story short this guy wants

to know when can he start jerking off at work that's what you point hey you poop at work sometimes you want to rub one out the answer is never dude when like who can walk up to their boss and be like hey i'll be 10 minutes late this meeting i gotta think of shit yeah that's that's the other thing nobody announces that to the world. I mean, I guess if you ever got pressed, you could be like, I was taking a shit versus I was jerking off. But, yeah, you know what? We're going to do a KFC Radio callback.

We're going to put this guy on a list. We're going to give his fucking number to, like, you know, the fucking New York State Department of Health and the police because this guy's probably jerking off at work you you you can jerk off at work i'm sure there are people who have it's just never going to be acceptable no it's never acceptable i'll come clean i did it in milton once but here how about this milton's different i jerked off at Deloitte, bro. That's a corporate offer. Like, Millen was easy because, first of all, it was like 9 p.m. I was there really late one night.

And it's like a single-stall bathroom. So there was no one else in the office in a single bathroom. That's completely normal. You gave it the all-in-all in a public bathroom? Wait, first of all, I think yours might be a little weirder and worse You fucking – you gave it the old ho in a public bathroom? Wait. First of all, I think yours might be a little weirder and worse because everyone else in that office probably has too. Oh, yeah. No doubt.

And so then you guys all jerked off in the same spot. At least me. A, I was at a – I don't know. Here's my spin zone. It's better that I jerked off at a corporate office because nobody else, very few other people I think were a sexual deviant enough to do that. So I at least was like the first or only one. I think – how much – how prevalent do you think this is? I don't think that – I don't know.

I don't think it's ever happened. Do you think it's happened at our office? Yes. Like Mantis and those guys? For sure. See, I think that people – I guess, yeah, those people. But, like, I would think people are too scared of just somehow getting caught. I still – I act like they're cameras in the bathroom.

Cameras in the toilet. I for sure have thought, like, yeah, Dave's watching this right now. But I'm sure some guys have. I, it's the answer though. It's just never, it's never going to be okay. You can do whatever you want, bro. But it is a funny thought to think of it as like, this is a bodily function that, you know,

we've said before a million times, like the JJO thing. Like I got a big presentation right now at work. I got to like crack the knuckles, clear my head and go out there. And part of it's like, Hey, make sure you go to the bathroom first. Like also,

also, you know, get it done. Make sure you talk to a little prick a little bit too. Yeah. I, I, you don't want to come around on it.

I get where this guy is coming from. I mean, the thing is, too, like it is as socially acceptable. I'd argue it's more socially acceptable than pooping, masturbating. It just depends on what company you're doing it. Like not with your boss. With your friends, it's a lot like the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think...

Well, there's an element of like... First of all, it's like physical activity. I guess they both are. But you're like heavy breathing and shit. You know what I mean? It's making noise. You're fucking trying to do it as fast as you can. It's making that sound. You're wetting your face afterwards.

It's not quite the same. Unless you really got – unless you ate too much dairy the night before or something. I don't think it's going to be as much of a process. But do you think there's ever a chance that this becomes – I fucking hope not. Let's say like – I'm talking 500 years down the road. Will we ever be at a point like in – Hey, by the way, Demolition Man, reboot coming.

I don't think you ever saw that movie, right? No. Yeah. Well, they get to a point where they put these like headsets on and that's how they have sex. Right. It just like stimulates your brain. So do you think we'll ever get to a point where sex is not like a thing anymore? So yeah, you could jerk off at work.

I don't think so but like i also i don't want this to become a point we get to i like i'm thinking about it how like people talk about millennials now we're like oh they're lazy if one day i'm of i have some sort of authority at a company and i'm gray-haired and some fucking asshole comes into a meeting late and says sorry I was fucking jerking off I'm like what dude like these these goddamn gen z-ers or whatever the fuck they'll be called at that point I can't I can't work with him anymore that's the day I retire the day some dude comes late to a meeting he was jerking off what if there's you know like there's um the the maternity like closets type of thing is where you can pump, where you can relax.

What if there's a jerk-off closet? Not too much because I don't want to jerk off in the jerk-off closet. It's where everyone jerks off. Yeah, that's the thing is that the best way to have people jerking off elsewhere is to call this one smooth. Everyone's jerking off everywhere but that place. Yeah, I kind of am trying to see his logic, and I sort of get it, but the answer is

never, and if it does, like you said, we've gone too far. Be careful what you wish for. That's like an episode of The Twilight Zone. Genie, you wish like, I wish I could just jerk off whenever I wanted, and it's like, guess what? Your whole office is covered in cum now. come now congratulations all right let's get into our interview for the day we got

andrew collin he uh he opens up for nikki very funny comedian here in new york city and uh he fit right in with us and right now he's probably chilling at home, sitting hopefully on a Burrow couch because Burrow not only produces the most comfortable couches and tables and rugs and all sorts of stuff for your living room, but they're also the most functional, stylish, and affordable on the market right now. You can completely customize your Burrow couch. So that's very important for people here in New York City, where you can pick how high it is, how deep it is, how long it is, how wide it is, how big the arms are, how long the legs are, how deep the cushions are, so that it can fit inside your tiny apartment. You can make a love seat, you can make it a full-size sofa, you can chop this piece and that piece, put it all together and make it into the perfect couch. They also have the sleep kit, which transforms your sofa into a comfy bed. They have rugs, they have coffee tables,

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Let's talk to Andrew Collin. KFC Radio featuring Andrew Collin. How you doing, bud? I'm great, dude. My living room is fucking awesome. I'm on one side, then I'm on the other side, and then I go to the other side. It's fucking dope. My life's great.

I feel like I've been watching you on Instagram, and you're doing the Bachelor thing. You're doing your TikToks. You're always putting up those weird suicide notes. You're a weird cat. You're losing it in quarantine, I think, man. I was losing it way before quarantine. Actually, I think I've never been more sane. No, yeah, I'm a fucking mess. You know,

I was at the highlight of my life. I was touring theaters. I had a writing job. I can't even write. I don't even know how I got the job. I don't deserve the job. I think it's because I ate Nikki's butt virtually. Not literally. I don't want that going out because she would never fuck me.

We're going to clip that. Andrew Collin eats Nikki Glaser's butt. That's how he has a job. Anyways, I was a dog walker for seven years. Like this was my peak. And then I just, now it's all gone.

So now I'm like back to, I can't even pick up dog shit. The dogs won't even talk to me. My life's over. You're walking dogs and you're what? You're on stage just doing sets. Like, you know, just trying to grind it out and make it like everybody else. And Nikki just notices and sees you and likes you is that how it all went down and then you ate her and then you know i ate her yeah i ate her butt on the street and uh well me and the dog we were

all we were fighting over that ass and then uh then i started eating the dog's ass and then she's like you should open for me you're funny no the No, the real story, it's kind of weird. I was walking a dog with wheels. It was like a robo-dog. It was like half. Oh, that's a fucking cheat code right there. People talking about walking a regular puppy. Walk a fucking puppy

in a wheelchair. Here's the thing. You want to know the best part? The best part? His legs worked. What? I think it broke his legs misery style so he'd be in the wheelchair.

I took him out. He's my dog. No, no. This dog's back legs were dead. She took a picture of me. She thought I was the owner of this dog like this rich chelsea guy who like wouldn't kill his dog and just kept it alive to like put in a wheelchair to look like a fucking idiot and um yeah and so she took a picture put it on instagram and she didn't know i was a comic and then my buddies were like yo that's a comic blah blah

five years later uh oh no She starts following me on Instagram. Then she was living in LA. Yeah. She just happened to be in New York. Then she came to New York five years later. She's like, Hey, you're probably not still a dog walker.

I was like, uh, more than ever, if anything, I'm more dog than human at this point. And so then I just, she just hired me. And the first day she's like,

Hey, why don't you host for me at a Caroline's? Jeez. Like in a month. Cause first day she's like, hey, why don't you host for me at Caroline's? Jeez. Like in a month. Because I told her that like when I meet like new people and I want to impress them, I tell them every like horrible thing about me. You know, that is the way to impress somebody. If you're saying what I think you're saying and correct me if I'm wrong, I think I'm on board with this. Is this just like you get all your cards on the table so there's no skeletons that there's no like like

you're gonna find out in a month that I did xyz and I'd rather just tell you that now so that you're down with me is it that sort of thing yeah like it's like but the problem is I do it on like dates you know like but I've been trying to uh self-sabotage in the business. Yeah. Yeah. That's my brand. And so, no, I would, I would tell her like funny, like funny.

So like, like I got an AIDS test when I was still a virgin. Cause I fingered a girl and I bite my nails. Like, I didn't, I didn't take it that far, but I have for sure Googled. Can you get AIDS from a hangnail?

I mean, that, that is the most relatable shit I've ever heard. What? You were both. I mean, look, I'm – John, you think that you can get cancer from fucking someone coughing on you. You didn't think you could get AIDS from –

I always said when I was younger I wouldn't shake Magic Johnson's hand because I'm still not fucking – Yeah. So don't you – They wouldn't shake your hand. These fucking – Magic don't you they wouldn't shake your hand these magic johnson you loser it was that was honestly something I'd be like 19 years old I wouldn't shake magic johnson's hand I'm I'm failing out of college at Florida State I'm like magic johnson no no thanks dude yo don't you throw stolons I still don't understand how you can't if I have a

if I have a hangnail and I'm in there and there's any transfer of fluids and we are locked up and there's no air, how do you not get AIDS? That makes sense. A lot of people thought maybe like, was I eating the AIDS off my fingers like a week later? It all started with a girl on a cruise that had the smelliest pussy I've ever smelled. We were outside on a lawn chair and the ship almost had to turn around like it was horrendous and i'm fucking and i was like 15 and i was like that's it i got aids because i watched the movie kids and i was like that pussy smells worse than aids yeah you you hiked your bikini to the side i thought you found like oh we must be stumbling on one of those trash islands that just – I thought there was a dead whale on the ship.

It was fucking horrendous, bro. It was like – yeah. I mean, that's what happens when you do carnival, you know? I know a guy who hooked up with a girl in the backseat of a car, and he went down on her, and it was so bad. And he's basically hotboxing himself in the backseat of a little tiny car. He actually leaned his head out the window and puked. It was an old school car. It was rolled down.

So he rolled it and puked. Blamed it on being fucked up, like, oh, I'm so drunk or whatever. Dude, that's like fucking Russ Tyler tyler in mighty ducks where he's like you swing some water you take some air you get back out there and do it again i just love that that's like they're like uh if that was what how i met your mother ended you know oh i would watch that show if he was like, dude, this show, this guy met her, her pussy was so smelly. Get this. He threw up

while fucking her and then married her. My buddy told me the story of the dad at the end. He'd be like, oh, that's why it's been Bob Saget the whole time. Very on brand. Dude, this is why you can't tell your buddies hookup stories like that

because what if he ended up like my buddy told me a story about how he he hooked up with this girl and she had a yellow discharge coming out of her pussy and he like fucked her on top of a mountain in the middle of the day so you could see everything you know you see all the hairs god and then he married this girl so it's's like, so we know her as Yellow Discharge Girl. She got a nickname. You know, you're going to be Mrs. Yellow. What up, YG? How we doing, YG?

Y'all big word pussy. And now we married her. You know what I mean? And so it's like, you got to watch out when you hook up with like a, and give a nickname because that's going to stick. That's why you can't tell anyone anything ever. I don't tell someone I broke up with a girlfriend for

three months before it's locked in. Because then once you tell them, good, I fucking hated her. I guess she's got a girlfriend again. And it's all back. You leave that shit for a long, long, long time. I don't tell someone I broke up until I have a new girlfriend. I'm like, oh yeah, by the way.

Or like a long long long time i don't tell someone i broke up until i have a new girlfriend i'm like or when you do tell them you broke up you can't tell them like the real reason because then if you get back together with her they think that you're a fucking asshole you know what i mean be like yeah it just like didn't work out if you tell her that like you know she threw a brick through your window and like you know slip the tires on your car and then you're back together with her it's like, what are you doing? You asshole. So yeah, you gotta keep it tight lips all the time, dude.

And, and really, I mean, also your friend, like your, your, your pussy discharges. Just,

just keep that in the vault no matter what, you know? Also, don't fuck a girl on top of a mountain in the middle of the day. Wait till, wait till around 8 PM. You know, what are you doing? I mean, you might look like a murderer. You're like, Hey, let's go to the top of the day wait till wait till around 8 p.m you know what are you doing i mean you might look like a murderer you're like hey let's go to the top of the mountain at nine

the only reason i feel safe having sex on top of a mountain uh at night is because like i know i suck at it so like we're not gonna get any wolf calls like you you're doing a good job up there you might be attracting like a pack of wolves like what's what's the animal dying up there luckily for me it's the silence. I don't even know what's going on. I also like the idea I can blame the mountain. You know, like if I don't put in a good effort, it's like, well, I was stumbling on the rocks and the gravel,

and I thought there was a wolf over there. It wasn't me. It was the mountain, you know. Yeah, if I'm going to put a fuck on top of a mountain, I got to train like a football team does before they go play the Broncos. Like get those fucking – the mask on and go running in high altitude. Dude, I have – Yeah, you sleep in one of those fucking ventilator things.

You sleep in one of those oxygen tanks. Like what are you doing? I'm going to fuck a girl with yellow discharge in three months. But it's on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro so i got a train like rocky in rocky four i'm carrying fucking uh tree trunks on my back just trying to get ready to fuck this girl man so shit though that's crazy i actually i never thought about that uh you know i definitely have we we just kind of connected with nikki over the past you know six months or whatever and i i was thinking about her.

Like, she just popped. She's doing theaters. She's on TV. She's got her special. She just made it. And now that comes to a halt for her. But same thing for you since you guys are like an operation now. Fuck, sorry, man.

That stinks. It is what it is. I mean, you know, the good news is there is none but i mean well the good news is that i think nikki's like not the type who's gonna fucking kick you to the curb or whatever as soon as this resumes you're back in action right how long were you in in uh fuck where's nikki from is it missouri she's in st louis st louis yeah missouri i know that um were you were you like stuck with her parents for a while i feel like i saw you on ig a lot there no i well no we did a couple shows over there that's why okay i thought you got a quarantine there for about i was surprised to be

back in york i almost went out there because the uh show we were shooting that never is going to be shot uh was going to be filming at her house and i was gonna like go there and just be a part of the show but you know it's probably a good thing that i didn't oh the one good thing that came out of this honestly is i like started to monetize my podcast which i never would have done because i was making money other places and so i was like oh i can make money like i have like this many like it just like i'm that lazy and like, you know. And so this forced me to like, oh. So instead of like filling out a form for unemployment, I monetized my podcast.

So yeah, that's good. But the people, the comics right now who had who just rely on the stage. I mean, you fucked. And not you can't really blame them because it's unprecedented it's not like you ever could foresee that all of live comedy would shut down but it's just important to know like you gotta keep like

diversifying you gotta have different ways to make money because if you put all your eggs in one basket you're fucked I mean you could get paid to fuck a girl on top of a mountain but I mean I'm in New York and that's like a four hour drive to the not me bro nobody's paying me to fuck them on any top of mountains anywhere even if you got a discharge i ain't getting that money they pay me to throw them off the mountain come on uh really yeah i don't fuck good so but i'm finally getting late a lot

you know yeah well i have a question i feel like you're very open about your dating life and uh so i mean you would just report back you go on a date and then either on instagram or on the podcast you'd be like yeah we did it we were fucking doing it man do any of these girls ever say like hey can you not do that or Or are they not caring? Every one of them. All of them. Everyone. It's a problem. I definitely, you don't tell your friends, like, something I tell the world, you know, well, the world, like, you know, 48 people. But, like, a lot, you know?

But, yeah, no, I fuck up. I do that a lot. I'm like, you know. But what I try to do is I try to, like, point it at me. Only one time did I point it at the girl, it was, it was, it wasn't good. What did you point? Go to the dance. Just the vagina wasn't the best and it just wasn't.

Yeah. So that was, I did that on serious radio and, and her, one of her relatives was in a rental car randomly and hurt it. One of the chances because, you know, a lot of people don't have it in their regular car. It had to be in the rental car. It had to be serious. It had to be the relative. That's just bad luck, man. I said it was bad one day.

One day. When you're getting ready for those, do you ever – like we talk about it all the time. Like I did one the other day where I wrote a blog where every second I'm writing this blog, I'm like, I shouldn't be writing this. If it's something that I know the person I'm talking about is going to read this. What blog is that, John? Honestly, I don't think

it's the one you're thinking of. It was the Zoom meeting one. It wasn't anything like that. It wasn't anything intimate at all. It was just how I'm so fucking pissed about people making me be on zoom meetings and i just had a one-on-one meeting with someone who made me feel and i'm writing the fucking blog on and like i knew they were gonna read it it was about it was their fucking job to read this blog and i was like but i don't know this is fucking fucking funny. And it's annoying. So guess what?

I'm just going to do it. I'm just going to post it. Slave to the joke, right? If you don't have that feeling, you know, that like, oh, fuck. You know, that's the thing that moves the needle. I mean, that's what your company, I feel like, is built on. I mean, it's that, oh, fuck. I shouldn't fucking put up a picture of Tom Brady's kid's dick.

You know, like that. Well, the real problem with him is that he doesn't have that feeling ever. He's just like, what? I don't even get it. But the rest of us at least have some sort of conscience, and that's – yeah, I mean, that's why I'm fucking single dad right now. I mean, you just say a bunch of shit that you shouldn't say because you know a fuck ton of people are going to laugh at it.

That's just the game, right? Hey, at least sports are gone. So because you know a fuck ton of people are gonna laugh at it that's just the game right hey at least sports aren't are gone so you know did you see that headline again today with no oh about the the widespread testing or whatever no it's just like fauci's like their priority sports again this this year motherfucker has said that daily i know yeah every single day he's asked what what are sports? He's going to fucking snap like a dad with the, are we there yet? Get sports! Get sports!

How about the people still writing those headlines every time? It's like, this is going to be a new story every single time he says it. It's the same answer every fucking time. Also, Fauci can't fucking hit a – could never do a college layup, that fucking pussy.

No, no. You know what I mean? Fauci's a hoop man. He could ball. Could he? Oh, my bad. I didn't realize he could ball. My bad.

Never mind. I take it back. He played high school ball at Regis, and he was like 5'4", and they said he could like – you could like run through a brick wall. He was like a fucking monster. Imagine that little genie on the court just fucking tearing it up. I love that you know his stats. Oh, yeah.

Fucking Fauci in 1806. Fucking 40-12-7. I mean, 5'4", back then, was 6'9". Even if you're right, though, even if sport – like he's dealing with like catastrophic loss of life and you got these assholes being like, do you think that OTA camp is going to be possible in August? I don't fucking care.

Excuse me, Dr. Fauci, do you think there's any realistic possibility the entire NHL could move to North Dakota for a few months months it's like dude i don't know man yeah we'll do it outside those you know we'll be spread out for miles yeah no that's crazy man but uh the podcast it's interesting though it's like i think i think um we had a couple ideas that we started doing that we were sitting on for months and and this for whatever reason is the impetus to do it like oh okay now this is going to be uh extremely logistically difficult and uh you know hard with with with the camera let's do it now fuck it let's do it now but yeah it really is kind of a motivator of some people dude i've gotten i'm getting better guests than I would ever

I could get Barack Obama probably in like three days. Like that's where the world is right now. No one has anything you know? I could probably ask Axl Rose to put the fucking band back together just for my Zoom. I don't know. You think it's because

people are just like well I'm sitting on my couch and don't have anything to do. Do you think that there's part of them that are like maybe subconsciously like there are bigger things in this world? Like I'm going to stop being an asshole, stop being like elitist. Like I'll even talk to Andrew Collin, that fucking slub. Like what exactly is the – like why is it changing? I can't figure out what it is, but I'm happy it is. I think it's boredom.

It was bored out of fucking mind. Right. Yeah, and I'll even talk to Andrew Collin. Like, whatever. I mean, do you know my stats in high school, you fucking piece of shit? I mean, that's what I'm – I'm actually more sad that high school basketball is not going on right now. Am I pedophile if I know this dad for mikey williams

or whatever like i follow high school sports more than like don't say that out loud don't say that you really that's like uh that's what we had a guy at barstool probably two years ago who left to like found or at least some kind of founding or one of the one of the early members of like a high school sports company where it's over time right something like that over time or just like covers local high school what do you think a scout is a scout goes to high schools and it's like yo that kid's got good legs a solid you're not a scout andrew you're just a green if you were okay he's a. I wrote an email to the Jets. The scouts are unnecessarily sexual in their description of high school athletes.

You ever read Jeter's fucking scouting report? It's like, he's got a great ass fucking. His lips, I could kiss the shit out of them. What are you trying to put up? Jeter? I think that's the best. his lips i could kiss the shit out of them there the bat with two hands i could just imagine on my forward cock you know oh and those baby hazel eyes for you know a black guy doesn't usually have green eyes the guy's like all right dude well first of all great work he's a hell of an athlete i mean you found a shortstop in michigan that's like finding like a fucking i don't know a fucking quarterback in dominica republic it's unbelievable oh man um yeah i don't know i mean yeah it's uh yeah

the uh the dating shit though it's funny because i thought once I became single and I see the fucking Bachelor every week and how it gets about a bajillion viewers. And I thought to myself, what if I did a little online version of this? What if I publicized and like recapped? I'm going to go on a date on Tuesday and on Wednesday I'm going to tell you what it was like. And I won't give out any names or anything but we'll be pretty open and she'll know what's going on, turn it into like a online series. And I was like, nah, I mean, nah, I can't, you can't do that. And that really, I mean, the people, I don't know, maybe, I mean, you can do it. I just, I wouldn't be able to, to put my, my own shit out there. And so I started

thinking about all those people who do that reality shit. It's kind of crazy to just totally put your own, all your game, all everything out there for the world is pretty extreme, but that's just what you do, huh? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm like friends with the Summer House Girls. That's a show

on TV. I feel like reality TV, these fucking people become bigger celebrities than the biggest movie stars in the world now and it's because like people can watch a movie and be like daniel day lewis and be like yeah i can't do that but i could fucking get fingered in an alley you know like with a camera when i went after i drank a little bit of fireball you know like and they feel like they could do that. So then they're like, I could be on TV too.

And that's like the, like, so that being said, I mean, it would be fun. The problem is, is like after like two weeks and you're not going to fuck these girls. You're just doing internet dating.

You know, you're going to, you're going to lose steam. I think on this, like, you know what I mean? And what kind of girls are you going to get coming to you? You know what I mean? What kind of girls are you going to get coming to you?

You crack your neck. Every morning I get a video of your neck cracking. What kind of girl is going to fuck you? It's so great, though. You'd be surprised, by the way. You would be surprised, by the way,

some of the DMs I've gotten after those neck cracks. That's all I'm saying. What? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah. The people who like that shit, they like that shit. Trust me.

The same person I like that did the scouting report for Jeter. Like, that's who you are. A fucking creep. Dude, that's like, you might as well start popping pimples at Jeter. I mean, get the fuck out you might have gotten some dms about it but not from people who are like it's a it's like getting dms like uh like i feel like a girl when it's like oh like let me see your panties like not someone you want to sell your panties to it's like with neck crack i gotta feel like you're someone you don't

you don't want to crack your neck for or have cracked your neck. I don't know. I don't know, John. Maybe we'll find out. Maybe. I don't believe you, but I believe the smile on your face. That's how I met your mother. I was cracking my neck and I was coming to it. I still love you, Kevin, because you got more sympathy for not having Corona than 90 people that died.

You know, like Kevin's like, I'm in line. I have a tickle in my throat. Pray for me. And I crack my neck loud. So send me some pussy shots. Pray for me. Hashtag, I might be dying. I have two kids and I made tacos tonight.

I'll tell you what, Andrew. I'll tell you what, you fucking consumed the shit. You know a little too much. I haven't followed you yet, Feilberg. I'm coming after you, too. You know a little bit too much, Andrew.

I mean, mine is nothing. Mine is swipe-ups or podcasts and t-shirts. I got it. I got it. I'm going over to Co-op City soon. There's just places in the hood. Oh, dude, I watched the Barstool fucking doc. I watched all 15, 16, I don't know. It's like 85 episodes.

Yo, you know what I love? The Barstool story of how you guys day rate your way to billions of dollars. It's unbelievable. I like how when the MJ documentary started, and it's something I've been when the mj documentary started it's something i've been and i'm just realizing it right now how fucking big of an asshole i am where like for uh when tiger king started i'd be like who needs seven episodes and mj started i'm like who needs 10 episodes oh you want me to sit down for episode 25? Sure. You had an hour on your rap battle with some girl in Texas named Taco Tuesday or something. You know what?

I fucking loved it. And I liked it more than the last dance. I'm not even kidding. I'm not just kissing your ass. I loved yours when you went on tour in that bus with the long hair guy that played football unc which i have no idea how he got on the team i thought i mean it's insane to me could he throw a football or he just and then he was he was good he was good enough but he he did this director of morale thing where i think people just loved him in the locker room he went he went it's actually an unbelievable story he went to study abroad which I thought was unheard of for Division I college athletes.

Went to study abroad in Scotland, came back and was just like, hey, coach, I haven't touched a weight in six months. I'm done. Here's the thing. He liked him. So, hang on. He's that good looking. He's that good looking where he looks like a young Fabio.

Like he's fucking hot. And fucking Dave wined and dined him because he would want to fuck him if he was gay. Dave, you're pretty much like, you could be the funniest, most talented person in the world if you're not cool, if you're not hot.

No, hot. You have to be hot. Young and hot. That's what he likes, man. It's hilarious because guys would be like i ain't gay and it's like you're only hiring guys you would fuck no but he was the team morale guy he was like a mascot with a clipboard yeah you know i mean but anyways but yeah you're that bus tour was i was so jealous but i'd be dead in a day. You know, that that that took years off his life. I remember you on the blackout tour days because he was still blogging.

He's trying to connect on some like hotspot Internet card as he drives and parties. We used to before we got a hotspot, we used to like intentionally drive next to like Peter Pan buses because they had Wi-Fi. I think it's in the back. I think it's in the back. I think it's in the back. Slow down a bit. It's like doing work outside of Starbucks. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, there's a bus. Hurry. But we're going to Mississippi. Nah, Alabama. Alabama now. Yeah, yeah. I need to download this porn. Girl getting fucked on a mountain. Yeah, no, dude. I mean, I don't know. Is it weird, though?

Like, you guys are aging, right? Like, a little bit. Like, let's not, you know. And then your demographic is younger. Like, if you went to college and you're wearing your Letterman jacket, do you feel like, does it feel, like, weird? You know what I mean? If I went anywhere and I was wearing a Letterman jacket, I would kill myself.

Yes. That would definitely feel weird. We've done, I think, a pretty good job of aging with our like I think the listeners of our podcast are probably the guys who started in 09 and have now kept up with us. I think that sometimes the college kids will probably tune in and they'll be like, all right, this is of christmas future for us but they're not like into it into it and then some guys i think are just peter pan who are just like you know still delivering the 21 year old content but i i'd rather just keep it real and try to be i'm not going to be able to i don't i can't keep up with the music the style the the slang all that shit you know so i that we got, we probably got an age appropriate fan base, but yeah, I mean, there's definitely, we had a, we had a kid. Marshall's fan base is very sectioned where they're like, we, it is,

it's not just men anymore, but like, there are like, I feel like the, we had snap. I get yelled at in the street. This is crazy. I get yelled at in the street is like the Snapchat guy. Cause I do fucking 30 seconds of takes a day by construction workers. I never knew that construction workers were Snapchat fans. I know you're the Snapchat guy. There is

a real tragedy of coronavirus. Outside our office, there has been waging a very intense anti- anti-union protest. Yeah, big time labor strike. It was not very successful

because I still don't know what company they were mad at. But those union guys would be like, hey, you're the Snapchat dude. I know you. You know what? Call off the protest. We had no idea that Mr. Snapchat was in there. The guy that does the goofs. Yeah, yeah.

He's the goofy guy. High school, college kids love the Instagram. There's everything. I think Kevin's right. I think our podcast is probably pretty age appropriate. But yeah, there's everything. Colin, you going to get on TikTok or what, bro? I am.

I did like four of them. I'm done. It says, I feel, talk about feeling like a pedophile. I just feel like, I think that's what we all did. I made a couple.

He made a couple. They didn't work. I thought to myself, why in the world would like a 15 year old ever watch this? I'm out. And there's no talent involved. That's not true. That's not true.

There are some talented people. We say, we say this, we always say this about every app. And we say this is just for, this is stupid. This is dumb. And the next thing you know, it, like, rules the world. It's like, well, I don't know if it's stupid or dumb, but this is.

Yeah, but Vine was dumb. I said Vine was dumb. Vine's done. Where's Vine? Tell me where Vine is. Where's Vine? It's what, well, Vine should have never died. It was awesome.

You pick out the one that died. Snapchat came along. It's huge. MySpace. Where's Vine? It's what – well, Vine should have never died. It was awesome. You picked out the one that died. Snapchat came along. It's huge. MySpace. Where's MySpace? Where's MySpace? Yo, you don't see that fucking Tom, dude? You know Tom, the MySpace guy, Tom?

Yeah, he's worth $540 million. Yeah. Dude, it's people – he has one of my favorite clapbacks on Twitter, him and Frankie Muniz, where, like, Tom, it was like – I'm going to find it. I'm going to do it. What Tom was like, I'm going to find it. What did he say? I'm finding it right now. Yeah, that's one thing. People would

probably be like, oh, Myspace. What a fucking abject failure that was. It's like, uh, half a billion? And I'm not... Meanwhile, Zuckerberg is sitting before Congress, getting grilled for fake news during the election. And Tom from MySpace is probably just fucking hosed with $500 million.

Who really won? Here's Tom's tweet. He tweeted. This is from back in 2012. Tom tweeted, people keep asking, so I'll say it. Fear over Instagram's terms change is ridiculous. Get real, folks. Someone replied to him.

Says the guy who was not able to keep a social network alive. Tom replied. Says the guy who sold MySpace in 2005 for $580 million while you slave away hoping for a day off. He's like a pretty good Instagram photographer now. Just like goes to great places, takes cool pictures. I'm sure. He's probably living the best life out of all these guys. Fucking Sean Parker, Mark Zuckerberg, all these guys.

He can walk down the street. Nobody bothers him. He's got half a billion in the tank, and he doesn't do anything. He just takes pictures. Sign me up. I love Tom. I love all these fucking... Tom just was like, I need friends.

How do I get friends? I'll force myself onto millions of people like a YouTube fucking on an iPhone. That's what he did. And then it's like, it's just a picture of him like... Everyone knows the picture of him in a white t-shirt.

I don't think he has Twitter anymore. But that picture was his Twitter picture for that pre-edit. One of the most iconic pictures ever, man. Don't hate. Don't hate on Tom. And Frankie Muniz's was, your acting is just awful. Sorry, but it is. Frankie Muniz replied, yeah, being retired with $40 million since 19 has not been awful.

Good luck moving out of your mom's house before 35. Yo, we got to get Frankie Muniz up on this bitch. I feel like he could do that, right? At this point, yeah, of course. Of course he would. Yes, dude. I mean, I told you. I got Barack coming in.

What's up? Did you give yourself a haircut? I've gradually been waiting to ask. What was that? You're impressed? We've been yelling about how, I mean... I also got a mustache, but the hair came in on the beard. But I got a mustache, and I got this fucking...

I mean, I always wanted to know what it looked like to want to kill Jews, considering I'm a Jew. I was going to say, did you say say let's go for hitler here because it's super now yeah yeah yeah i mean look i finally like went for it you know i this whole time i've been a self-hating jew and i was like what's what's the look that would really think like hey look i mean it's not bad though i kind of look like a soccer player like a hot soccer player oh is that what we're going with? Yeah, I look like Neymar. I don't hate that spin zone.

I can see it a bit. If you could do, like, a rainbow flip or, I don't know, any other soccer terminology, I'd be like, I'm that big. Like, if you went to a park right now and just brought a soccer ball, people would be like, that's a soccer dude. Oh, yeah, that guy's from Europe. That guy's from, like, the middle of Spain, like an island off of Spain. Oh, we are really giving ourselves credit here today.

Jesus. I thought you were going to tell me that you look like one of the Peaky Blinders or something. And you just went, Peaky Blinders? You went full-blown European athlete. Okay, Andrew Collins, you fucking Hitler, Hitler motherfucker. Well, the problem is my hair is receding. There's nothing worse than a balding mohawk, you know? Yeah, you got to go hour out.

You shave it. Hour out. No, no, no. This is a mohawk. I'm not balding and aging, and I'm fucking, you know, my hair, my dick is turning brown or whatever. I don't know. You can just get that.

Fido Bird's got that. I mean, you both have great hair i mean no you got the great hair too i mean you guys have presidential i mean it's it's it's incredible i like that i mean that's i don't have anything else presidential but sure yeah are you are you from new york andrew no i'm from florida originally my dad's from new y, and my mom's from Chicago, but I was born in Miami. I saw your tweet about the – oh, you were born in Miami? Yeah, but I was raised in Port St. Lucie, Florida. What? When I went to the Mets.

Except for the Mets. Yeah, yeah. I went down there for a week once to cover them for spring training, and I was like, this is the most desolate place on earth. And you live there? Yeah, that's what makes this. Are you a winner? Yeah, I

loved the early Mets in the 80s. I'd go to Shea Stadium with my grandpa, which was fucking awesome. So I do have amazing memories going to the games with him and fucking selling cocaine to Strawberry. It was pretty dope.

My grandpa would be like, yo, Doc Gooden, he likes the good shit. Get the good shit. Could you imagine getting – if you were Doc and Daryl's drug dealer in the 80s, huh, it's probably Tom from MySpace. He's probably retired off that shit, man. Could you imagine the sales pitch of, like, hey, Doc Gooden pitched a no-hitter and strawberry hit a ball 900 feet and they did more cocaine last night than your whole like than a whole fucking columbian drug house you know and it's like oh yeah i'm gonna try your coke yeah yeah you want to be like them here you go

yeah so i was a mets fan uh growing up, you know, that was really the only thing there. And I played baseball. And I played baseball with Rick Angle in Little League, actually. Talk about cocaine. His dad got arrested for selling cocaine. Really? I didn't know that. Oh, you didn't?

He had, like, nine tons on a boat. Holy shit. Angle was selling stuff in fucking Little League. Bro, he had, like, 40 tons of cocaine on a canoe. It was crazy. I think that's the story. I could just be making it up. But no, Rick Ankle was nasty.

He played for the Cardinals in Little League and had a 12-6 curveball that dropped. And he played catcher as a left-hander. And he wasn't even the best pitcher on his team. There was this guy, Freddie O'Brien, that hit 80 as a little leaguer i don't know anyway yeah i'm just mad just just to be clear um baseball is one of those things though like little league baseball like i i don't remember like my best friend from middle school but like i remember the fucking pitchers who used to give me trouble timmy boys threw a football pitch i don't think it's a real thing right it's just like a fucking pitch yeah we used to give me trouble. Timmy Boyce threw a football pitch. I don't think that's a real thing. It's just like a fucking football pitch.

I don't know what the fuck it was. We were in like seven. That's a football pitch. I don't know what the fuck that means. What does that mean? I don't know. I think it meant he held it like this. I just think we didn't know what a curveball was.

Right. It's a completely foreign idea to us. The thing with Little League is when you hit puberty, like you can hit puberty when you're 11 and you're 6'5", pitching from 30 feet away, and it's like, this guy's the next fucking, you know, whatever, you know. I can't even think of one pitch. And it's like, no, he just hit puberty.

He just has hair on his dick. Like that's the difference. That was Danny Almonte. It turned out he was like 21. Because they do age differently. It was like, yeah, okay, this guy can throw 85. No big deal. I played against a kid.

His name was Greg Becker. He had to be 295 in like the fourth grade. This kid was huge. And I think he got left back or he had one of those birthdays right on the fourth grade. This kid was huge. And I think he got left back or he had one of those birthdays right on the cutoff. So he like doubled up and he would just hit tank jobs all day long. I was like, is this even fun for you, bro? I remember I pitched against him with the bases loaded and people were like,

walk him. I'm like, what is he, Barry Bonds? What's going on? Butts tied in the bottom of the ninth like just it'd be better to just lose by one yeah jeremy jeremy o'brien i remember him you remember their first and last names too it's like eric tomko like like they played in the pros it's like jeremy o'brien he was homeschooled so he could play baseball all day. And he fucking – he broke his hand. He broke his right hand, right?

He still played with one hand hitting home runs. And I know that's like a Paul Bunyan story. He just would hit home runs with just his cock. But, like, no. But I swear to God, like, one hand, Jeremy O'Brien. Dude, we had – there was a kid. I've talked about this kid on the serious show before. And his name still keeps me up to this day. It was this kid, this pitcher from New Bedford, Blake Youngblood.

Why did I even do this? Step it in the box against Blake fucking Youngblood. I don't want to play. I don't want to play anymore. Your name is too scary. I'm out of here. The homeschool is an extra element, too. I played Mike Nesbaum, and he was another kid who, I mean,

he was the size of Paul Bunyan, and I knew him in T-ball. So we were, like, young, young, where you're playing with those squishy balls. And those squishy balls, even as an adult, I don't think I could hit them very far because they're not hard. And the fences would be like a home run would be the infield, basically. And he was hitting real home runs. We had to run hundreds of feet to collect the balls this homeschooled giant was hitting. I was so small, too.

I was a pretty good athlete, but I didn't hit puberty until late. I remember I got caught looking for pubes. Remember when you would look for pubes when you were like 12? You're like, if I could just get two pubes, fucking David Wilson, I'm cool. Bro, I fucking didn't get that shit until like

junior year of high school, and my hockey team threw a party. I got into the group shot, like, I got pubes! like bro it was such a big deal to get pubes it was so funny i remember my mom was looking i got she called i went out in the yard to get better sunlight like to like see if the crops were growing you know and i was like the sunlight would make my pubes grow. Yeah, I went to the top of the mountain, and my mom's just looking out the window like, my son is a fucking

absolute fucking idiot. Like, this is unbelievable. And then she got a little wet, probably, in there. Oh, Jesus Christ! What? What? You know what? I was gonna say, like, and that's how you end up being a funny comedian. Thanks for coming on the show. And I let you go one sentence

too long. You said that your mother got wet. You sick fuck. She was wet already. She was wet already. I'm not going to say it was all me. It wasn't all me. I'm not cocky. I won't take all the credit.

I had no pubes. I had none. You don't want to fuck a guy with no pubes? Maybe. You are sick. You're a funny dude, Andrew Cobb. I love you guys, man. I honestly, like, I admired Leonard on my podcast recently. He plays for the Heat.

And I'm, like, interviewing an athlete. And I was like, God, I just want to fucking. And I realized, like, that was your whole, like, thing. And I was like god I just want to fucking and I realized like that was your whole like thing and I was like yeah but they just knew like in my mind I'm like yeah but you guys knew Jay Cutler and then you knew like I watched your diet and I was like you knew one other guy like Eric whatever and the next thing

you know they told someone and they told and like it all has to start somewhere so maybe Myers will get like I'll ask him but I'll probably just like not write me back I'm like hey can you get me jimmy butler he's like how about the towel guy how about how about how about the janitor that doesn't have a job anymore yeah yeah yeah i'll take it does he know the team you interviewed him on puddles yeah yeah he was on my on puddles podcast it was great man i like did research like i was like oh i i gotta like you know so i'm like oh in high school you

were all state and then he's like yeah i was all state and it was like it was like very like formal it's the first like real interview i ever did you know how are you doing it man puddles is the podcast puddle podcast you can go check it out. Patreon is available now, too, if you want to sign up. You can check out all the stuff he's done with Nicky. Are you just Andrew Collin on Instagram?

Andrew T. Collin on Instagram. Right now, I'm dancing to the Ying Yang Twins throwing my dick out there. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're a wiggle dicker. Andrew is one of the wiggle dickers. Buckle up. He does have pubes now on his face.

It's the hill of my patch. Thanks a lot, bro. We appreciate it. Your mom's wet. Oh, Jesus. Goodbye. Your mom's wet. Everyone's mom is wet. Okay, later. Turn around.

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