KFC Radio - Andrew Schulz Makes Us Rethink Everything We Know About Sex | Feits Wakes Up Wet and Er*ct Every Morning

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

- Fiets is an idiot who has been living without an air conditioner in his apartment - AITA - Chocolate milk from brown cows - Pokedex of girls - Video Voicemails - ginger and uncircumcised - c*mming condiments - the pettiest thing you've done - Andrew Schultz Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Feits has no AC 21:09 - AITA 55:41 - Video Voicemails 24:59 - Andrew Schulz Interview ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Curve: Go to https://barstool.link/CurveBSS to enter their waitlist. WhistlePig: Get your bottle at https://barstool.link/WPKFC or at a local retailer. eBay: EBay Sneakers – Authenticity Guaranteed Cortina Health: Get your first month free with promo code KFC at https://barstool.link/CortinaKFC SimpliSafe: Customize the perfect system for your home at https://barstool.link/Simplisafekfc Hellofresh: Go to https://barstool.link/HFKFC and use code KFC16 for 16 free meals across 7 boxes AND 3 free gifts!”You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Fucking angle to that. First of all, dicks don't do that. Second of all, fucking gravity. Third of all, I don't think your dick's gonna do that. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Today we have Andrew Schultz on the show. A little impromptu episode.

He was here making the rounds, and I grabbed him, tossed him on here. So we'll get Schultz back after. It's been a couple years for him. It's basically like the last time we talked to him, he was getting rich. Now he's fully rich. I think it was February right before the pandemic. Right. We also got Am I the Ass was February right before the pandemic. Right. We also got,

am I the asshole and our voicemails? Fidel Berg is an idiot. We know that. We know that. Every day. He's just a child who I, I feel like I'm in a Big Brother program almost. Yeah.

And, you know, I've often said you're my third child, but, you know. You'd probably get accepted into the Big Brother program. That's nice. Yeah, you would get denied for that. Oh, no, you have been denied for that. He got denied. He almost got accepted as one of the little brothers. He said, this man needs guidance and help. And that's actually what KFC Radio is.

You just didn't realize it. This is all one big, big brother program. It's a Truman Show type thing. Yes. You just had no idea. And some of the things you do, like just last episode, I told you to keep drinking. Keep doing what you're doing. And, you know, you dress like a fucking asshole.

And I tell you to keep doing that, too. Well, I'm dressing like a particular asshole these days because it's so hot. Yeah. I don't wear – I wear bathing suits, and the Hawaiians got it figured out, and these type of beach shirts. Yeah. Anywhere in – I said Hawaiians. No, no. It's very ill-fitting, you said, right?

This is an ill-fitting shirt, yes. Ill-fitting shirt. Keep doing that because it seems to be working for you. What you should not keep doing is sleeping in a New York City apartment without air conditioner as a 33-year-old man who has plenty of money. It is one of the most ridiculous and despicable moves I can imagine. You're right. You're right. And I'm not going to stop. But it is great.

For those who don't know, I have not had an air conditioner in my apartment ever what no i mean in this one oh in this one in my bedroom in this wait really it's been a few years now my second it's my second summer really yeah okay yeah i'm not gonna tell you you're wrong no i moved in august 2020 um so uh i guess like where were you at the tail end i was hasn't lou. Did you have an air conditioner? I had an air conditioner in that one. Window unit. In my bedroom, which was about this big. Icy, icy, icy.

Real cold. Cous. Cous cold. You know I don't cous cous. But the... Now... So the situation in my living room... We got a situation. Is I can have – there's an air conditioner that just – it's like seven years old.

It has been running nonstop. Forever. Since I moved in. The depreciation of that asset. Because in the winter, it gets so hot. I mean, it's just been running. Right. And then in my bedroom, I have – I'm on the second floor, but there's like – you can jump roof to roof or whatever.

I have barred windows in my bedroom. Sure. So I can't put an air conditioner in that. Right, right, right. And so I went and I bought one of those fucking things with the fucking tank. The tube? The hose that comes out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I plugged it in and it just doesn't work. It just works as a fan. Why? What does that mean? I don't't know i've had multiple people look at it no one with any skills in the field but i'm willing to bet it's this is human error i you'd think it was you'd think so pretty sure but i don't i don't i'm not gonna no one's gonna not gonna have someone come fix i'm just gonna buy a new one no i'm not but the but the so what i like last summer it wasn't so bad because like i i lived in new jersey for july well like it was like august wasn't that bad limited the amount of time you're gonna be in this hellhole of a bill of an apartment and and so this year i've been in it every day And I I haven't slept In I don't know how long

I am a sleepless man I obviously get a little sleep I can't even imagine But I sleep ass naked Spread eagle Because I can't have my skin touching my skin So I'm just in bed like this Often waking up with an erection so you can

picture that, how that looks. You're welcome. That dick is just flopping on your stomach. No, it's upright, dude. No. This morning I woke up upright. No. I swear to heaven. No.

That I don't believe. I do not believe that. Not only was it upright, it wouldn't go down for like 40 minutes. It was insane. No, no. You're telling me. You're telling me. You wake up like this. Bro, I don't often sleep naked.

So now I'm doing the spread eagle thing. It's like... Your dick's just up? It was just this morning. Is it like this? No, this morning it was up, dude. I'm sure there was a fucking angle to that. First of all, dicks don't do that.

Second of all, fucking gravity. Third of all, I don't think your dick's going to do that. My dick goes, bloop. You see the hole in the bottom of it, and it's pointing right to the belly button. That bloop was such a sad noise. My dick goes, bloop. The tip ends right at the belly button, so it just could like I don't know Like dip in there Your dick goes

Pointing to the ceiling Bro Again This morning it was I'll take a picture for you next time But But So here's

I wake up Show me that dick Despite that I wake up Like From my I watch the sunrise every morning That like

I'm exaggerating when I say I don't sleep I'm not exaggerating when I say I watch the sunrise I watch the sunrise every morning. I'm exaggerating when I say I don't sleep. I'm not exaggerating when I say I watch the sunrise. I watch the sky get brighter. In New York City, that's not cool. I'm blind. It's not like it's a nice thing. No. I'm just seeing the sky get a blue.

I'm like, oh, fuck. That's the worst. At that point, you're fucked. But around, let's say, if the sunrise is at 6, around 5, the black of the sky starts to go navy. Yeah, that's what I mean. And you're like, ah. Yeah. It's not.

At that point you're somewhere. And then you're just like, you might as well get up. Because if it's, even at 4, if it's still dark. You've got like an hour. You've got to tirelessly. Yeah, yeah. If it stops getting dark. It goes a little bit blue.

And you hear like one or two chirps. Yeah. And like maybe like a car, like a truck somewhere that's like delivering some early drives by whatever. You're like that. It's coming. It's coming. You just know it. And and so but despite that, and I've been I've been just hammering water, hammering water.

And despite that, I wake up every morning like it's a Sunday morning in college. Like that's how dehydrated I am. And like a puddle around you? No. Bed's not really wet, but when I go to the bathroom, it is. Fuck it. It's a color of this. It is.

I am dehydrated. It's crazy. That was a little too much for me, that description. I mean, your dick is also, your piss is also that color because it's just whistle pig coming out of it. Because you still have that shit running through your fucking system. Come on. It's fucking Wednesday. I left there Saturday.

Then you were drank. But the – yeah, I don't know what to do. I wake up. I wake up completely naked. I don't put clothes on until I – so I wake up at, let's call it, like 7 o'clock, right? And then I just walk around my house completely naked. Wait, a.m.? Yeah.

What time do you go to bed? I don't. Like, I don't know. Oh, so you mean you get out to bed at 6, at 7. Yeah. But you've been laying in bed trying the whole time? I've been trying. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm not trying. The TV's on. Right. That is truly one of the worst feelings is when you're trying and trying and trying. It's been this past full week. So probably since before we left the Whistlepig. I was excited to go to Whistlepig because I was like, fuck it, they're going to have air conditioning there.

Yeah. We're going to this beautiful farm, unlimited whiskey and five-star, Michelin star type food. And John's just like, I gonna get Temperature control Climate control Thank you God And then But then when we came back We came back on Saturday

And I was like Here's really to wrap it all up I think I'm over describing it now But If I can put something off If I can endure For a few days And then make things easier

I'll do it every time Sure So when I came back from break I knew Like two days Then Whistlepig. Right. I was like, okay, I can handle that. Sure.

I came back from Whistlepig. I was like, all right, like five days. And then you got Providence. Then you got Buffalo. Then you got LA. So then I'm gone for a week. So if I can put something up for 24 more hours, 48, 72 hours. Then you don't have to deal with it for a week.

Then I don't have to deal with it for a week. Right. So why the fuck would I deal with it now? Yeah. The logic's out. It is, except it's just you're running from a problem that will always eventually catch you. They all try, baby. But like, if there was...

I'm still standing. Shout out to Sing To. We listen to that one all the fucking time. The thing is, if you were going to move and you could make it to the end of the month, I get it. But you're not. Yeah, no. When I get back from LA, I got about two more months.

I still have August, September, October. It gets hot in October. We'll just loom until now, the end of LA. I'm going to have to deal with it at some point. I know. Why don't you get a stoolie to do it? I don't know why. I have to give a shout out to a stoolie.

Adam was his name, who brought me tables for Keegan's birthday party. I meant to mention it the other day. I put up a video saying if you have if you're like a company and you want to work with me for moving and then I did a video saying if you want to work with me for Keegan's birthday party I'm done. I'm a whore. World?

World? I'm open for business. Okay? You know I've been playing the company man for a long time now. I'm ready to do some swipe ups and shit and fuck it. Whatever. But this guy just out of the goodness of his heart he was like I said to him dude like company man for a long time now uh i'm ready to do some swipe ups and shit and fucking whatever but this guy just out of the goodness of his heart he was like i said to him dude like i i did this to to have someone you know do this for me and not have to go through a company everything but now that i've had the offer now i feel like a scumbag i'm like do you need money

i'm sorry about this all of a sudden it flips yeah and he said something very nice like you know out of all you know for all the podcasts, I still even owe you. And I'm like, no, no, no. You're doing manual labor and bringing me a bunch of tables. We're even. At worst, you know. I probably definitely still owe you now. Brought me like six of those really big round party tables.

Oh, yeah. Got had to get. He said to me in his text, if you have a pickup truck, you can come get these. And I thought it said I have a pickup truck and these tables, whatever. So I was like, all right, cool. So like let me know when you're coming. And he's like, oh, you have a pickup truck you can come get these and i thought it said i have a pickup truck and these tables whatever so i was like all right cool so like let me know when you're coming and he's like oh you got the pickup truck and i was like uh oh no it must have been a miscommunication like sorry thanks but no thanks and he goes okay never mind i'll figure that out too borrowed his cousin's truck to then drive to to the kid's house and bring the tables like went to say above and beyond is fucking

understatement of the century. So shout out to Adam who was willing to do all of that. Because my point being, I think you could get a stoolie to bring you an air conditioner.

And even maybe install it. If you're willing to let him have you in your house. I'll pay for it eventually. I'll get there. Over, under,

when does John have an AAC in his apartment? November. When he moves. Guaranteed. Let's see. He, uh, it is. I will.

All right. All right. Let's make a fucking guarantee. We get back from LA on the 27th, 28th. You're not going to get it done that weekend. What do you have when you get back from LA? Anything? I don't think so.

There's a chance you might say, I'm going to get it done on that Friday. Friday the 29th. I think I was going to set my birthday. I will have it by my birthday. I was going to say, you want to push it off a little more. You could go see Pop Punk in Atlantic City on the 29th.

Okay. Yeah. Why don't you do that? You can just stay in AC and get a – I know. I definitely have something that weekend. That's the weekend we come back. I don't know what I have that weekend, but I definitely have something because I knew I couldn't –

I know something's there. I knew I can't go to the AC show. Okay. So then in that case – then you have the first week of August. What's going to stop you there? We have an interview. Will probably. Huh?

Will. Yeah. You meant like Will Compton or We have an interview. Huh? Will. Yeah. You meant like Will Compton or something. No, I meant free Will. We have our boy Joe Coy. We have Nimesh Patel. We've got some podcasts to do. And then it's your birthday.

Literally nothing but time. Right. You have no excuse. I will get one before my birthday. So give me one month. In the era of like you could probably get same-day delivery and get this shit done. You're going to have to make me buy it on the show. That's what's going to have to happen.

I was going to say, you want – But we can't do it right now because we're gone tomorrow. So I can't be there for a delivery. But on the show, when we have time, you'll have to make me buy one with installation. Okay. With installation. How much are you looking to spend? I don't know.

Enough to make me fucking cold. Well, there's like $6.50. There's $3.50. There's $159. What the fuck does that mean? What is the difference? It's how big of a room they could keep cold

the biggest one yeah oh okay so you want to do a $650 one sure delivers Sunday July 31st

will you be around on Sunday July 31st no that's too long that's my problem with ordering stuff online I'm not going to wait that long that's crazy

you just said you wouldn't be here you said you're not going to do it until your fucking birthday yeah I know. But in my head, maybe I'll go when I come back. And I can just get one at a fucking Best Buy or something.

Home Depot. And what, carry it home? Dude, weekend delivery. Weekend delivery is sick. Oh, like you go to the store? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

And then we'll come set it up right now. There's a chance that happens. So I'm not going to fucking buy one that comes July 31st. That's crazy town. That's 11 days from now, dude. Okay, so that is the overrun. Will it be before that? Because that's too far away.

There is no... And now that we put a thing on it, some competitive nature to it, he might make sure it gets done. But I'm going to take the over. Because I still, even with that, I don't think it'll get done. I'm going to get it done. July 31st. That one is, by the way, $650 if you want that one.

I want one. I have big rooms. I want one. I want one that like blasts. Yeah, like fucking give me that igloo, dude. You know what would be a necessity for me going forward? I need the temperature. I don't want a knob that says high, medium, low.

I want 66, 67, 68. But they're just broken. Yeah, they're both on 61, dude. And it's just not hot. It's not cold. Yeah, I sleep naked and sweat. I didn't know if you had ones that didn't turn on. You didn't have them.

No, they're both going. They're both going at 61. Is there like a water tray in them? I was going to say, Right, right. I didn't know if you had ones that didn't turn on. You didn't have them. No, no. They're both going. They're both going at 61. Is there like a water tray in them? I was going to say. Oh, yeah. Are you positive? No one in the living room? Big water tray.

Are you sure that you're not fucking this up? Are you emptying it? A water tray? Yeah. Some of them have it at the bottom where you have to empty it. Or your filter's dirty. Have you checked the filter? I wouldn't know how to check a fucking filter.

I'd know if it was a water tray. What are you guys talking about? You guys listen to this podcast you're fucking asking me is there a water tray or what the filter looks like is it like i didn't realize i was on the fucking home depot podcast is it legit like cold uh warm air or is it just not that cold but it's kind of one is legit warm air one is not that cold like that one might be like you could just just like you pull out these filters you gotta like bang them out, that one might be, like, you could just, like, you pull out these filters, you gotta, like, bang them out, and then it might be, like,

it might just be a simple thing. Yeah, it's probably that. Huh? It's probably that. Yeah. Because if it's still, I thought you, like, had ones that didn't turn on or something.

No, no, they're both on. Never change, baby. Never fucking change. Yeah, look at this guy. Look at Trent. Sure, guys, I'll go home and fucking take care of this. No problem. That's a fucking central air unit, bro.

We're talking about a window unit. It's like you pull another different tray out and have some dust on it. It's like a dryer. Have you ever changed a vacuum or a dryer? Dryer, yes. Yeah, it's like that. It's the same exact thing. It's literally the same thing.

That's for heat. This is for cool. These things? These things out? Oh, yeah, those things. Yeah, if that gets covered, it's... You can't get the air, like, through. All right, it might be that.

He's going to give it a wash and a bang, and you're good to go. Like, you, for all you know, like, that maybe has been running for 30 fucking years before it's been cleaned in your apartment. You know what I mean? No, I brought it to my apartment. So...

From Gaz's? Yeah. Wait, that's the one that's a window unit? Yes. I was going to say, I might have a window unit for you. Anyway, this is crazy.

We're just talking about that fucking... Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. 25 minutes on AC. Today's episode is brought to you by Whistlepig Whiskey. If you can't sleep at night, just a couple of Grandpa's magic drink and you relax.

What can I say about Whistlepig that has not been said already? About the great inventions of our generation. Yeah, for real. Like, it is the branding, the bottling, the logos, the taste. The spiciness. The spicy, the flavors, the smokiness. It is just perfect, man. And you've always been like a whiskey guy and one of the all-time great alcoholic beverage consumers.

Even when I was in my prime of drinking i was much more usually a beer guy and then as i got older you know when you when you want to start to have like a cocktail you kind of got to go whiskey or wine you know and i went wine in the beginning and because there really isn't any many others that i enjoy and thenpig came along and it is a delight. Whether it's the six year... This is a one of a kind. No one else does this. A 100% rye whiskey that's

been out for... that's aged six years. Do you know who drank rye? George Washington. Have you heard of George Washington? Where am I looking? The red light's going back and forth. George Washington? Where am I looking? The red light's going back. George Washington. He founded America. Real American whiskey.

That's what Whistlepig is. Real American whiskey. And obviously, if we're up there on the farm multiple times, we got some big secret plans in the works. Just say that the relationship is going to be consummated. Awesome. Whistlepig don't fuck.

And you should get fucked by Whistlepig too. 100% rye whiskey, like we said. It's perfect as alone. Good sipping whiskey, good shots, great in cocktails, spectacular as an old-fashioned, particularly a maple old-fashioned. I hope that there was no cameras running earlier because I fucking opened this,

and I went bloop, and I did a finger dip. Oh, you dirt dog. Dirt dog. Do it again. It's delicious, bro. Get a little dip. Oh, you dirt dog. Dirt dog. Do it again. It's delicious, bro. All right, give it a little dip. I'm not dipping. Why not?

I'm not dipping. Give it a sip. Give it a sip or a dip. I'll have a sip. Everybody's got to do a sip or a dip. How good is that? Oh, wow. I could legit, like, put this on anything.

Oh, great. Like, I could put that. It's like Buddy the Elf I legit want to do a bowl of spaghetti Let's do bowls of spaghetti with Whistlepig Because I mean really when you think about it Spaghetti is just like carbs With the Whistlepig

They do it all The whiskey, the syrup All of it is top notch second to none go to whistlepigwhiskey.com check out the link in the YouTube description and obviously hit up your local liquor stores and your

restaurants and bartenders make sure that they stock Whistlepig for you am I the asshole? today, we haven't done one in a little bit i got this straight from the uh twitter account um am i the asshole for correcting my co-worker about something okay that's the very obviously very vague topic so in general i would almost say unless this is a direct like something happening between us i would almost say, unless this is a direct, like, something happening between us, I would almost say you're an asshole.

Really? Just, like, mind your business. Oh, I mean, if something didn't work, you're wrong. No, see, mind your business. I guess I... If I hear you talking to them and you're wrong, I'd say mind your business. Even if it's something that, like, like matters no then then you can do it but if it's just like i don't know you guys are shooting the shit you're talking sports

you're citing the stats wrong i'm talking like like your tps report oh no no i don't know anything about work matters work matters yes i'm talking like conversation uh opinions they cite the facts wrong part of me like, just shut the fuck up. I mean, here is different, obviously, but a regular office setting. Right. But then how far do you take that? I can't believe I'm going to write this, but I don't know whether or not I'm actually insensitive during this time of age and extreme of reaction. But I'm going to let you know.

So about two weeks ago, me and another coworker were talking about the topic of chocolate milk. And, well, she is one of the 10% of Americans that actually believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. It's 7.4% of Americans actually believe that, apparently. I admit that I guffawed a bit to which she took offense to but I ended up apologizing but telling her

I guffawed I love a good guffaw yeah a good guffaw if you can hit someone with a good guffaw you gotta hit it and also if someone if you have a knee jerk reaction

as a guffaw you gotta know that you were absolutely in the wrong yeah yeah yeah like dude motherfucker just guffawed in gotta know that you were absolutely in the wrong. Like, dude, motherfucker, you just guffawed in my face. I must be super, super wrong.

So I told her that I thought she was a bit silly and told her that chocolate milk is actually just regular milk with chocolate syrup. To which, she got defensive and said that she didn't believe me. So I asked her if I can show her proof that she was wrong,

and she dared me to do so. So I bought regular milk and chocolate syrup from a nearby store during my lunch, mix it up, and I give it to her to drink. She ended up drinking it and just left in a huff and apparently just told our shift manager that she was leaving for the day because she, quote, felt attacked by me me she demands she needed a mental health day to which the shift manager didn't approve of but she left anyways so whatever but anyway but apparently sorry this whole thing got uh everyone else's attention because my co-worker made such a big scene about

it that it apparently attracted enough attention that my store manager had to personally call me to his office yesterday and tell me what happened. I didn't know about it at the time, but I really offended that poor co-worker of mine so much that she told my store manager about how she couldn't work with me anymore and that she even reported me to HR for, quote, discriminating against her beliefs and that apparently caused her enough mental damage that she couldn't even go back to work because I humiliated her over chocolate milk. My store manager then wrote me up and warned me that the next time I acted in such an offensive manner like that, I would be fired. I mean, I'm already quitting and starting new jobs anyway,

but I worry about whether or not I'm actually the asshole for this and whether I should be more careful for my next job. Edit. I ended up adding a fact because someone checked it for me and I ended up fixing the part about... Yeah, okay. Let me float you an idea. Float away.

Just float. Is it possible? Here we go. Because my thing with this is it's always been that there is no such thing as brown cows. But there are. There is such a thing as brown cows. How now brown cows?

Brown cows exist. I've always been like, no, they're all white and black. And as I've been thinking about this and listening to this woman's explanation and stuff, isn't it, can you prove to me? Yes. That chocolate milk at its inception didn't come from brown cows. And now that I'm thinking about it, you could be able to prove this quite easily, I imagine.

But... But they... Someone... Well, let me ask you this. Reverse engineered the chocolate milk from a brown cow. And then now it's been separated into syrups. What do you mean? What are you talking about?

John, look at me. What the fuck are you talking about? Reverse engineering the milk with the cow? Were you going to make the chocolate milk and put it into the cow? Mm-mm, look at me. What the fuck are you talking about? Reverse engineering the milk with the cow. Were you going to make the chocolate milk and put it into the cow? Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Are you injecting the cow with chocolate syrup? Did someone taste the milk from a brown cow? And they're like, holy shit,

this milk is different than the milk from a white cow. This shit's delicious. Absolutely never happened, but keep going. As I started going, I said, I'm pretty sure it'd be quite easy. Just go milk a brown cow and show me the way yeah and the this experiment how about this for all these these brown these these colored cow truthers how come the milk that comes from a traditional cow isn't gray how come the black of the cow doesn't play into effect at all why would it why would it not the white milk i'm trying to play devil's advocate.

It's quite difficult. Everyone is like, yeah, the white milk comes from the black and white cow. Why is it? It should be gray milk. White's the dominant color. Everyone knows that. That's not what I meant. What I meant is black is clearly the dominant color.

And I was saying the reverse. Phrasing. Phrasing. I did not know this. Wait, no. Is black the dominant color. And I was saying the reverse. Phrasing. Phrasing. I did not know this was... Wait, no. Is black the dominant color? Black's the absolute... No, white's...

Black's the absolute color. I think they are even. I think that's why you get gray. Really? What deserves a white and a brown egg? That, I think, is actually... I think it's all brown. Yeah, all eggs are brown.

I think we dye them or some shit. We bleach them. We bleach them to look white because we're fucking assholes. Oh, black is dominant in furs. I just mean like the color. I think it's all just like primary colors versus secondary colors and that's it, right? Gray body is dominant over black.

Black is the combination of all color. Unless you're talking about Yeah, well I don't know what we're talking about. Benny Frank is over there. There's a difference in color Black is the combination of all color. The white combo of all light. Yeah. I don't know what we're talking about. Benny Frank is over there. There's a difference in color when you're talking about light versus color in terms of like paint and stuff like that. I mean, if you mix every color together, you get brown. And I guess a little bit of black, but it usually just becomes like a shit color. If you mix black and white, it's not like the black just takes over the white and stays black.

You get gray. How much paint do you think is ruined by watercolors and stuff like that are ruined by grade schoolers every year who just immediately just go. So much of it. So much paint. It's just like what everyone, they're like, here's your paint kit. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully for the next period.

I'm mixing Play-dohs to my kids mix play-dohs and i want to disown them every crazy um i was unaware that this is a thing i definitely knew it was a thing not that i believe i feel like i've heard like it's a joke i didn't know 10 was not what i would have guessed 7.4 is a fucking lot so let me just go real quick and say there are let's say there are 300 million people in the country who are like old enough to like talk and think about this shit so if we did 300 million times.074, that means 22 million people roughly think that chocolate milk comes from brown cow. That is a staggering number. You know what?

That actually, I was about to be like, you are the dumbest. And don't get me wrong. You are the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. I've heard of a lot of dumb shit. People like a lot of those TikTok things that were very in the very early days of TikTok and the pandemic were very valuable. Or maybe not valuable, but they were interesting. Where it's like, did you know that the cap is actually like you flip it over? And there's some cool little tricks and hacks that you learn.

That's what they use for a commercial now. Huh? They use it for a commercial now. Yeah? Hashtag TikTok taught me. Yeah, yeah. But some of them, I think we ran out of all the cool ones. And some of them are like, did you know that if you pop the can, you can turn it and put your straw through it?

And it's like, fucking yeah, I've seen that. You know what I mean? Dude, the one- I can't remember them, but I've seen some that are like fucking yeah I've seen that you know what I mean I can't remember them but I've seen some that are like yeah I knew that the one they use

in the commercial is that we've been wearing neck pillows all wrong and they're like they turn it and I don't think that's how I would

use a neck pillow I think we've been using it right I mean I've never used a neck pillow I mean I guess if you put it in the front and you could just

kind of hold your head up but like no put it back there I don't know I think there was one that was like the saran wrap like has the edges that you could rip it out or whatever no this is fucking like common ass sense right here um yeah that one's stupid i'm looking at that now it's like maybe in the front i can understand the guy put the neck pillow to the left but he's leaning his head to the right why would that be the way to use

it that's stupid i guess it i guess we are technically's leaning his head to the right. Why would that be the way to use it? That's stupid. I guess we are technically doing it wrong according to the patent. How about this? You walk around with a neck pillow on in the airport, you're an asshole. The biggest. The people who buy them at Hudson News and then just pop them on and you're walking. If somehow I was on the plane and they handed it out or somebody gave it to me, I would maybe use it. But to walk the terminal with a neck pillow, how about I take that off and I slit your throat?

How about that? How about fucking that, man? I mean, I've fallen asleep on every motor translation I've ever been on. Yes, you have. I've never used a neck pillow. I'm here. Yeah. Nothing's going to happen to you.

You're fine. You're fine. Get a little. Oh, I know the one this was the one it's it's funny you said it's about planes though um you can bend the the head rest i never had one of those but i know of it yeah like they were like you telling me and you know they do the thing oh oh oh wait wait wait i thought you're coming like more like just a little like kind of like that yeah oh yeah yeah so you can just kind of like lean your head yeah like

that that one actually looks like more like a pillow but like i don't know if i've ever been like that? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you can just kind of lean your head. Yeah, like that. That one actually looks more like a pillow. I don't know if I've ever been on one like that. That's extreme. But the idea is like it just kind of goes like one, two, three clicks

and then you can kind of put your head on it. And she did the whole thing where she's like, are you telling me, is this going to, and then she does it and she like drops the phone

like I can't believe it's true. And I was like, I didn't know there was a single person in the world that didn't know that. We've run out of cool hacks. You're just making shit up now. But if you believe.

So as stupid as that is, if somebody, if I met somebody who was legit like, no, dude, that comes from a brown cow. I'd be like, you're so dumb. It's awesome. You're so dumb. It's awesome. I'd be like, you're so dumb, it's awesome. You're so dumb, it's awesome. I actually convinced myself. I saw this guy at the Home Run Derby, adult man, caught a ball,

and then ran through the crowd, jumping, fist pumping, like bumping into people, like walking around. Yeah. And I was like, if you do, if you're a grown adult at the Home Run Derby, where there's hundreds of balls being hit out to the crowd,

and you're an adult, and you celebrate catching a ball, you're the biggest fucking loser. And then I saw up close almost like a body cam of a dude catching one, and it was just guys being dudes. Like, yeah, man, you're fucking awesome. And I was like, take it all back. That was really cool. That was just fun here it is this this is just you watch it come all the way in and it's like he's pumped up oh that's fucking john boy is it yeah okay well well yeah but like they're just is is he in john boy or that's a john Yeah, that was like... Like this guy is just like, I just hit the fucking lottery, man.

I was like, never mind. It's all good. That's fun. That one guy I saw, he was in a Padre uniform. And he was like jumping through the crowd. Was it the same guy who was fucking trying to get the autograph? Probably. That guy was in a full Padre uniform.

Probably. He what? That guy was in a full Padre uniform. Yeah, fuck him. Get a hat and shirt on. I'm going to try to do one minute man on that guy. That guy stinks. Elbowing kids in the head for an hour.

I think even worse than that, I think at one point he's like, please, please, please. Have some self-respect, man. It is insane. Fucking A. Those guys are. We did it on the bracket episode. We did like the worst people alive or whatever. And adult autograph seekers were one of them.

It is. I may have told this story before, but when I was Nick Bonino's caddy at a Pro-Am. Yeah. It was me. Our fourth son was me. Whatever happened to him? Bonino? Yeah.

I think he still plays. I'm actually not sure. I mean, he was on Nashville at the time. He's not on Nashville anymore. He went back to Pittsburgh, I think. I'm not really sure who he's on right now. But the, uh, the, the... What am I saying here? Oh, yeah, the All-Race Seekers.

So they... Our foursome was the foursome there, which is weird because it wasn't the player, though. The golf player was like, I don't know who this guy is. But the three amateurs were Nick Bonino, Ray Allen,

and the guy from Dropkick Murphys. So I would guess there wasn't a more famous threesome of non-professional golfers there. Sure, sure, sure. And so we had autographs that were following us the whole time. And Bonino was explaining how everywhere they go, it's a bus full of athletes Coming

It's not just One guy But he's like Dude Everywhere we go They're there Everywhere we go They're pushing kids

Out of the way Really So what he learned from It might have been Sidney Crosby Or maybe I forget who it was It was someone

Who was He'd be like They'd get off the bus With the pen in hand Be like Who needs an autograph who needs an autograph? Who needs an autograph? And the guys would basically

scatter from them because he would do it in red Sharpie. And like, in order to sell an autograph, it has to be like in the bottom left quadrant or bottom right quadrant

in blue Sharpie or something like that. Really? He's like, I'll sign anything you want. But it's got to be red. Wow. Because like a little kid

would be like, that's awesome. Yeah, perfect. I don't care. That's cool. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I like that a lot. Interesting. Because a little kid would be like, that's awesome. Yeah, perfect. I don't care. That's cool. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I like that a lot.

Interesting. Yeah, I mean, I think it's stupid even if you're a little kid. But you're a kid. Right. As you're an adult, you're an asshole. I had a little autograph book that I had sent out in Sports Illustrated for kids. Yeah. I'd send out a note being like, hey, Mr. Grant Hill, can I have an autograph?

Yeah, I think Shaq sent me one back. He sent some back, some of it's clearly printed, but I was like, holy shit. Like I go through my autograph book now, I'm like,

I don't have any autographs. Dude, what a racket. Sports Illustrated for kids was the best. Yeah. Like I'm sending a letter to Steve Young at Sports Illustrated LLC

at like, you know, 4100 Beverly Hills Avenue. I'm like, what the fuck? Very clearly just sending this to some intern at Sports Illustrated LLC at like, you know, 4100 Beverly Hills Avenue. Like, what the fuck? Very clearly just sending this to some intern at Sports Illustrated for kids. Unreal. I got one more. One more M.I. the Asshole. Today's M.I. the Asshole is brought to you by Curve.

You are the biggest asshole alive. If, A, you spend an entire podcast trying to peel apart one laughy taffy candy like my esteemed like my esteemed colleague john henry feidelberg is doing here looking like he's trying to like you know unlock the last one dark secret a few earlier unbelievable but two you're the biggest asshole in the world if you don't sign up for a curve card. I have right here in my wallet so many fucking cards, man. I got cards coming out of my eyeballs, dude. And I could just get a curve card and consolidate all that into one thing and just have my curve card where you can put your debit card.

You can link your credit cards, your debit cards, any sort of payment cards to curve. Then you go out to the restaurant, wherever. You swipe it. Let's say it's a big dinner, $1,000. And you're like, well, I want to put some of that on my credit card because I don't have enough in my account right now. But I don't want to hit my credit limit. So let me put $500 of that on my debit card, $500 of that on my credit card, split it up nicely. Bingo. Bingo. Bongo. You got it on Curve. Also, when you use your Curve card, you get rewards and points just like those other cards,

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It's not here yet, but you can sign up on our waiting list to make sure that you get the first Curve cards when they come off the assembly line. I mean, it's the future, dude. This is like, you know, you're going to be the same. You're going to be the old dick who's like paying with their plastic Amex card. You're going to be like the old dick who's paying with their plastic credit card instead of having the Curve card with everything consolidated on there. So sign up today.

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This sounds, if you guys are watching on the podcast, you understand we're talking Laffy Taffy. Otherwise, Jackie just comes in the room and goes, these are the two juiciest ones. John goes, ooh, that one feels good. Perverts. I didn't put any of that together. Perverts.

This one does feel good. This one does feel good. It is like hitting the lottery when you can get into a nice laughy. Am I the asshole for making a real-life Pokedex of girls at my university? Jackie, we're going to need you to weigh in on this one, I think. So freshman year of college, I began working on this project casually. I don't think anyone makes a Pokedex of women casually. I think they make it feverishly.

I also think, and calling it, like, this project. I like to keep notes on women. Can you explain again what's a Pokedex again? Pokedex is basically the stat sheet for Pokemon. Okay. Right? For the ones that you own. I think it's once you catch them, they're in your Pokemon.

Got it. Yes. I like to keep notes on women I talk to about their favorite things, activities they enjoy, gifts, candy they like, sappy shit like that. I suck at remembering things like that, so I decided to keep a spreadsheet. Eventually, after getting a handful of entries, I offhandedly mentioned it to my friend group one one had the idea that i share it with them so they could keep all the new entries as they caught different entries so this expanded further right now about 40 guys have access to it it's mainly the guys in my friend oh there it is. And the women featured are girls from different sororities.

We also added more information, such as where you should take them if you really want to impress them. We don't keep this information for any nefarious or scumbaggy reasons. Well, we're trying to fuck all of them. Just to help us know what to do, we wanted to impress If we want to impress

Certain girls Like the original idea Of this was just to Keep their information Like their favorite color So I don't ever forget Their favorite colors Now it's helping

A lot of guys Somehow a girl Was on the list Found out about it As they do And she was pissed The fuck off She was eventually

Able to trace it Back to me So I assumed Someone who was Simping for her Snitched when the Pokedex came out Wasn't making

The girl like him So she's pissed off and she made it out to be a guide to hooking up with women, which is most definitely not bro. Fuck. Come on. You've been caught. Literally exactly what it is. It's just to impress them on dates easier. To fuck them.

Why do you impress girls on dates? To hook up with them. That's it. She's made a big deal this time with so many girls around campus, and now they're all saying that by the start of the fall semester, none of them will be visiting our fraternity or going to our parties. Now all the guys are mad at me. I mean, they were using it too.

When I'm not even the one who told the girls about the list, and they were also using the list. I also think it's unfair to say the list was about sex when it wasn't. Don't be an idiot, dude. Edit, I am not a stalker. There was no information in it that could have been used to hurt someone, only to have a better date. And it isn't about sex.

I never used it for sex. Bro, you keep saying you're using it on dates to impress women. That's what happens after impressing girls on dates is sex. There's a few things in life kind of like Ricky Martin. Anytime you need to defiantly I don't think Ricky Martin really fucked his nephew

but I think anytime you're in a position where you have to definitively state I didn't fuck my nephew, you fucked up when that guy Shane Dawson had to say I didn't fuck my cat being like one point though I am not a stalker that means you must have really just described a whole lot of stalking.

It's definitely for dating and hooking up and all that shit. I think there's – I don't think it's the worst thing in the world. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world. I think sharing it – I think like the first paragraph, I was like, I should do this. Just like with a girl I'm dating. Remember their name.

Well, home. They're dating. No. Like an anniversary, their birthday, their favorite flower. But with girls I'm dating, I'm always mad about like – I mean eventually I learn their foods and stuff like that. But it would be nice to do it right away. The moment you tell me, I learn it. A version of this just went viral on TikTok where a husband puts everything his wife likes at individual restaurants into her contact information.

So he always knows what to order and that's cute but when gary told you hey she really likes this over there kind of creepy yeah it kind of i think i think that there's uh uh how what do these guys look like i'm they're saying frat guys and they're saying things like simp. So I guess it would look like anybody in an SEC fraternity. It's like Dukes, right? Like if Dukes does this, you're a date rapist. But I – Go ahead.

You're a girl. Well, just like all the – every single like frat guy that I know, like they don't care about any of my interests. So it's got to be – like I don't think I've ever had a frat guy ask me my favorite color or like, Right. Let alone write it down and try to remember it in the database. To be fair,

neither do these guys. That's why they have a cheat sheet. No, but like, if some guy like, asked me about my interests, I'd be like, fuck yeah,

I would fuck you. But they don't do that. Ars on the ground. When you say that, because a lot of girls say that, like, when, so if you go on a date, they just talk about, like, their own experiences?

I'm not kidding. All he did was talk about himself, and it's like, well, yeah, like, I'm myself. I'm me. But I would end up asking you questions of, what do you do for work? But sometimes I feel like guys might get a raw deal being like, I told her what I did for work, and it's, oh, all he ever does is talk about his job. It's like, well, he's probably talking about, about like his day-to-day life or whatever if you reciprocate and ask some questions like that's what you're supposed to do i guess a lot of guys don't do that but when you say so when you say that like they just talk about themselves all day long well like there's a lot of guys who like will ask questions but like i went on like

three dates specifically where i literally they did, they don't know where I work. Right. They don't know. Right. That guy was the felon. I remember that. Yeah, that guy was the felon. But, like, that happened two more times.

Right. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, they don't know anything about me. They didn't ask any questions. Right. And I was like, this is ridiculous. At that point, it's like, how far can you go? No.

I wish you kept dating him to the point that it was like, I've been dating him for six months. He doesn't know my middle name. He doesn't know where I work. He doesn't know anything. I don't ask that middle name. He doesn't know where I work. He doesn't know anything. I don't ask that, though. I don't ask questions like that. But usually it fucking comes out a little bit or whatever. You know what I mean?

I guess. Like, if you just have good enough conversation, you learn, maybe not like the middle name, but you start to learn. Yeah, the middle name is what I'm thinking. Yeah. I'm like, oof, do I know a middle name of... No, that's kind of a weird one. But like, it is funny to be like, I am just trying to fuck this person.

I do not care. But, like, see, that's the thing about not going on dates. As I say, I've never been on a date. I've, like, never asked questions like that. Because by the time we're dating, I know. You're fucking. Like, I just know where you work. I know, like.

Because you're a stalker. Because it was at my pokedex. By the time, basically every girl I've ever dated, it was months before we started dating. So I don't sit down on a date and like, so what do you do? But I mean, you're the weirdo. You're a fucking weirdo. You're maladjusted. Hold on, though.

If you flip it, though, to being like women doing doing this there was an entire app for this at one point what it was called like ruby or something where like you can it was you had to sign up through facebook and if it said you were a woman you can comment but guys couldn't even see shit on the app so you could search guys and it would tell you like dates they were on and like just it was this okay well how about this then there's never heard of here's another am i the asshole my old boss was on it and he got flamed i know there's a facebook group right now uh i don't know what it's called but it's for girls to see if uh if a guy is cheating or hooking up with other girls so girls will post and be like i'm dating this guy.

I've been dating him for like six months. But there's a couple of red flags, like have any of you in the same city or whatever. And a lot of girls will be like, oh, I dated him too. Or like, I just fucked him last night or whatever. It was Lulu. I don't know what this, that's an app? This is a Facebook app. Yeah, it was a bunch of negative evaluations,

positive and negative evaluations of men. Yeah, this is like Rayman Professor, but for guys and girls and shit. The five-star man. Oh, it was Raiders. Yeah, it was exactly that, pretty much. But so, like, in that Facebook group,

one day, like, a girl just posted, like, hope this guy isn't your husband because I just fucked him. And somebody was. They were like, what the fuck? Like, you just blew up my life. But it was also, like, well, I also kind of, you know, you dodged a bullet by me telling you this. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it wasn't like that girl came and said, like, I'm dating a guy who's, like, 6'2", with blue eyes. And that girl was like, oh, that just happened. She was just kind of like, hey, fuck this guy. Hope you didn't. And they were like, I did. So that kind of, like, of like blew up your life but it's also like why are you even on this fucking app and souping around yeah but i do think there's a lot more uh whether it's an app or a group i don't know but if a girl is like looking for information on a guy i think it comes

across much less and for obvious reasons yeah but guys guys, that's creepy and stalkerish. And with girls, it's like I was just trying to find out about them. When I hear, I've heard about girls Googling me and looking things up about me, and it's like, that's weird. I think that's weird. It's like, I've never Googled a single person. But again, don't worry about getting raped. I've Googled plenty of people, but not celebrities. Hearing about people trying to find out how tall I am and how old I am by doing like, well, I measured this against that, and I saw this picture was posted in this year.

People have that about you? Yeah. What? It's like, what the fuck, man? Just like, I don't know. Let's go on this date, and you'll find this shit out about me. But I guess if people, I don't know. I think if this is like, I think if it's a bunch of dudes who are like all just

trying to fuck and fuck a lot of chicks and pass everybody around on the campus this comes across as a little bit like creepy and manipulative if it's a bunch of guys who play pokemon who are like really like i just don't want to mess up with this girl and like i want to remember i want to know did he ever call the pokedex in the thing? Was it just in the headline? It was just in the headline. I know Pokemon is pretty prevalent, but I also feel like if you talk about Pokedex and shit, you're probably, like. No, here it is.

It does say Pokedex. I knew what it was. I've never used that. I feel like calling it that, though, is the double entendre. What? I feel like calling it that, though, like you're. What? I feel like calling it that though, like you're poking her. Yeah, well that's what I thought. It's where like, yeah. If you were on a date

and you're ordering food and you order your dish and I order my dish and then they come and say, any dessert? And I say like let's get the creme brulee. Like, you love that or something like that. And you were like, oh, my – like, I do love that.

And you were like, how did you find that? Like, how did you know that? And I just said something like, I did my research or something like that. Would you be like, what the fuck? Yeah, right. Now, what if I said exactly what it is? Like, there's actually this sheet that, like, has all your interests at. You know, my brothers who fucked you, they filled out the information. That's what it is. There's actually this sheet that has all your interests. You know,

my brothers who fucked you, they filled out the information. That's what I mean. What is worse in this spot? Because I think just saying, I did my research on you is super creepy, but I think even worse than that is being like,

there's a Pokedex. I have a fear of the Truman Show. Yeah, me too. Ever since the Truman Show, that has gotten in my head. I feel like I would think that that would get even more in my head because I'd be like,

why would they tell me that unless they're trying to save their ass? Right, right, right, right. And whatever. Yeah, no, I'm pretty convinced that all the time too. But altogether it would be just no. You better. That's what they would say though. But now I just want to kind of fuck with Jackie and make her think she's in the Truman Show.

No, stop, don't. So wait, final answer, you would be happy that these guys even know your interest or would you be weirded out? No, final answer, I'd be like, that's really weird. Okay.

Um, I would be a little flattered. Okay, all right, wait. I would be like, if I'm not in that fucking book. Let's say, yeah, that's all. You almost want to be in the book. Final answer,

How much information do you want in the book though? Yeah, that's the other thing. I think if it's like, what's her favorite position and is she good in bed or whatever, then it's like weird.

Oh, I just mean how many entries. Oh, that's true. Because it's like, if there's one Excel sheet where it's like what's her favorite position and is she good in bed or whatever, then it's like weird. Oh, I just mean how many entries. Oh, that's true. Because it's like if there's one Excel sheet where it's the whole page is you, then a lot of guys hit it. Right. If this is a 6'2 lax bro and he's like, yeah, I read your Pokedex on you. Versus like this is like a nerdy, chunky guy out of your league and he's like, I'm just trying to do my best on this date here. Does that make a difference?

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, but yeah. Yeah, it does. It's like, oh, that's cute. Versus like, yeah, you're a rapist. I think I'd be like, I don't know. I'm so conflicted.

I think I'd be kind of flattered. Yeah, like it is a weird move, but that means they're trying, right? Yeah. Which is more than you're used to. And that's kind of like what sororities do. Yeah, you all fuck each other and team up. They bring it up. Right.

No, no, like just like, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you all pass around your secrets. You send dick pics to the group chat. You, you know, you rate these guys. You grade these guys. Yeah. Everyone's a fucking creep.

Come on. What was the first one? What did you say before grade? Send dick pics to the group chat? No. Rate? Rate. Yeah.

You rate these guys. Well, because I was like, that must have been rate. But then you said grade these guys. I was like, that means rate. What did he say before that one? Voicemails? Let's do it. Cortina Health is today's sponsor for the voicemails let's do it uh cortina health is today's sponsor for the voicemails uh it's founded

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I was just listening to the new pod where you guys were making fun of gingers. Rightfully so. We're a disaster. I was just wondering, is there a worse combo than being a ginger and having a foreskin? I've got to match the drapes, and I have a foreskin. It's just a disaster. Let me know. Fan of the week.

Fan of the month. I'll leave and say right now, leader in the clubhouse for fan of the year. That man willing to put a video voicemail, his face on that. You better be funny and rich and jacked ginger with foreskin he's canadian he's just like hey hey what's up fellas you know just want you to fucking bag on me a little bit hey i know uh evan roberts is a radio station uh radio host here in new york he is a ginger who's lefty and he said that that's like.001 of the population. He's like, you're lefty too, right?

Of course I am. But you're not as lefty. I'm not as lefty? As ginger. But also maybe you're kind of flip-flop as lefty. Yeah, I do sports. Very few people are full lefty. Yeah.

I don't know, but I'm a righty. I throw righty, I swing righty, shoot righty, but I'm a righty. I throw righty. I swing righty. Shoot righty. Right, right. Right lefty. Yeah. But the foreskin, I know you're cut. I don't know about Evan. This guy rocking the hooded wagon, the covered wagon. I honestly don't understand why it was made to be such a big deal.

Circumcised? Yeah. But it starts in high school. It starts in the showers. No, because it's objectively gross. You're just like, what's your deal, man? There's just something gross about it. But then as we're 13-year-olds, we're making fun of our friends' dicks.

I never had that. In front of people. In front of like – we'd run up to friends and be like, it's Ted Ragan. See, I can't remember. I never had a boarding school locker room situation really ever. Because even like the basketball team, we don't do that. So we like didn't shower in front of each other. I think the only thing I must have – must have been porn that I learned about uncircumcised penises.

Because to me... Be real time? I am on, by the way. I posted a One Minute Man version one today when I signed up. Be real. No free ads, but it is the... It is the... But how do you do... Are you adding friends? Wait, so wait. I get one too.

I already posted one. I posted one today. That was from yesterday, technically. Okay. Are all of ours just at the same time right now? I think so. Yeah, that's how Be Real works. It's wherever you are. I hit the notification.

How do I do it? I'm 24 hours late, so now how do I do it? Oh, I was just 24 hours late, too. Discovery? Do I push? What do I? Wait, yeah, now it's asking me to do another one. Be Real today.

Tuesday. No, today's Tuesday. So I need to do Wednesday. Right? How do I do it? Show me. Done. So, yeah.

If you're not on Be Real, this is the anti-social media social media app. Perfect for KFC Radio. This is not a plug, but you guys should pony up money with us because we will do this better. But it's one-time snapshots. Wherever you are, you get a notification. You have to post it right now. You could be balls deep in some chick with your uncircumcised dick with your ginger hair. You got to be like, sorry, lady.

We got to do this. We got to do this. Be real snap right now. So check it out because we'll be like, sorry, lady, we got to do this snap. We got to do this be real snap right now. So check it out because we'll be having some fun on that, I think. That is a fun one that I think we could handle

because it's just like just do one thing a day. I don't know when uncircumcised dicks came into my life, but all I know is that when I learned about uncirced dicks,

I was just so happy I had a circed one. I was happy with the circ. Cirque de l'oeil. Because you know, man, you know what that girl said. The girl said she wanted to shake the hand of the doctor that circumcised me. Oh, yeah. She said she wants to

meet the doctor that circumcised me because he did such great work. I got a dick tip that's like a fucking like Michelangelo himself carved that shit out. If I had a floppy skin, what's weird to me is when it's doing. I don't know what the. Are there Yelp reviews for guys like that? Like this guy will fucking.

Fuck up like they cut too much? Like, yeah, they don't cut enough and it's like a weird, it's a hatchet job. Well, I'd rather, whatever, however much you're circced is good. More is better. You know what I mean? So there's 100% circ. That's what you're circced is good. More is better. You know what I mean? So there's 100% circ. That's what you're shooting for. If I'm 89% and you're 88%, I got a better picture.

I don't think it's a clean 89. It gets wonky. It's kind of like. You just get mangled. It catches a little head. I mean, it is small work. Bot circumcisions are. I'm not feeling excited to find a picture of one.

That would not be nice. By the way, this guy looks just like Fat Francis, huh? Francis Ellis, by the way... He doesn't look fat. Not fat, but Francis has that chiseled Aryan Nation type look. Francis Ellis has taken

on the life of... I don't need to see these botch circumcisions, bro. Oh, oh! All right, now I do. This is the only one I really... I think I'd still take that. You would take that? Oh, no!

Dude, it's fucking a head and, like, dick tip are, like, singed together. Oh! Oh! Okay, done. I'm done. I'm done. Have you seen the cross that the cross that francis now bears no he's turned himself into a social justice social justice warrior but not in the way

not that sjw shit he is he is blocking anybody who tries to drive on the shoulder oh right right and he did it once and it became a racial war on his social media page. It was like full-blown race riots because apparently these things tend to have racial ramifications. What? Wait, what?

Like, certain people drive on the shoulder and certain people don't, and they are fucking at each other's throats over it. This is like one of those things. That is like the I'm going to assume this is a black versus white race situation. Yeah, yeah. That's like, I forget whose joke it is, so I apologize. But someone has a joke about, like, how people who actually live in cities and stuff like that amongst, you know, a melting pot have very specific forms of racism.

Yeah, that's the most specific. Oh, you know who is it? It's Andy Hayes. And he's talking about in Seattle where it's like, we don't want colored people coming and dancing. He's like, but in New York, it's like, I don't like Dominicans. I don't recycle. That's funny. this is like this is a this is a new very specific form of racism i'm learning right now that and black people drive on the shoulder and they're like fuck you i will fucking kill you if you

try to stop me and francis uh is now he's doing it everywhere he goes and he has rules and such he's like i have a rule i I go with the flow of traffic. Your time is not more important than anybody else's. I will go. I'm not going to just block you the whole way. I will go with you. I will not let you out. If you reach for the glove box, I do move out of the way.

Because he said there was a guy who was like, you can see him like, arms flailing and shit, yelling. And he said he reached over and he was like, I'm going to assume that was a gun. So I went ahead and got back on in there. He's like, I'm not. Well, who lets him in? You said he goes with them. Yeah, yeah I'm going to assume that was a gun. So I went ahead and got back on in there. He's like, I'm not. You said he goes with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he's in the shoulder. But I think people realize what he's doing. So people are like, all right, cool. Because most people in traffic are like, fuck yeah, brother. You know? So when he needs to get back in, I think they just let him in. I'm going to need to see a full video of it. I don't understand how.

He sees them coming. And then he blocks them. And then he pulls over. Yeah. Oh, but you said he keeps moving with them. He moves with traffic. It's not like he's just going to stay put and fuck you. He just moves like, okay, those cars moved up a couple of lengths.

I'll move up a couple of lengths. Which is crazy. That's the way you're really pissing people off. Because if it was just like, I'm going to stop here and you have to find a way to get around me. Nope, I'm going to keep moving. And they can't do it. And it is like, he was like, it's a full-blown race war but he but he just continues to do it he's like back again your favorite lane fucking like blocker guy um he has multiple videos look at

he's look he's driving along the highway with him being like you're not gonna go past me he shows yeah he shows in the rear view mirrors. It's unbelievable. All right. Next voicemail. What's up, John, Kevin, Nick, and the kids? I have a quick hypothetical for the gang today. So if instead of cumming cum when you orgasmed, if your cum was replaced with a condiment of your choosing,

which condiment would you choose? So you obviously have to consider taste, cleanup factor. Not even kidding. I'd love to know your thoughts. Not kidding. Well, cleanup is tough. Cleanup is going to be real tough. It also depends on how much. If I'm cumming buckets and it's all syrup, you know, that is going to be, you're going to look like, you know.

You're going to look like someone dumped syrup all over you. But I think that would be a delightful little gulp, you know. I think so, yeah. I went to mustard. Obviously, I agree with that, but I was going to let you have that. Cum and mustard, huh? I could cum mustard. Probably hurt a little bit, which would be fun.

And then people, like, squirt mustard in their mouths. Ketchup is, kind of eh. There's – or if I could do hot sauce because then no one gets pregnant. Male birth control. That's going to burn some pussy. Male birth control. I can hot sauce. Yeah, but no one is going to fuck you.

That's okay. No one does anyway. Yeah, we got plenty of mustard here. Mayonnaise is too disgusting. Mayonnaise is too – Maybe if I could come milk, that'd be great. Why would that be great? I don't know.

It's just the same color and stuff. It's also basically like a porn. You know what I mean? Yeah. We've seen the lesbians with the milk. We're just recreating our favorite porn. Honestly, dude, I could convince myself into coming anything. I'd be down to come anything.

You know what you should do is come ranch and have all the basic bitches be like, I got to suck this up. I'd rather never fuck someone who likes ranch more than blue cheese again in my whole life. That's up to me. How about blue cheese? You're a cummer. Like a chunk. Like a kidney stone.

Yeah. Oh! Shoots out different ways because the rock got stuck. And then the forked do we call it? The forked tongue? Yeah. I'm going to rattle some off. This is the most popular condiments

as told by whoever the fuck. I thought it was going to be the most popular condiments to come. Let's go. Ten, hot sauce. Okay. Got it. Nine, relish.

Interesting. A little too chunky. Eight, maple syrup. Seven, ketchup. Six, because they like to say salsa. Five, olive oil. Would you do a little oil and vinegar? Yeah.

What about if one nut gave you oil and one nut gave you vinegar? Mixed in and then... Come an Italian sandwich on it? Yeah. You're just sitting there. You know the way they kind of do it in Italy? Four, mayonnaise, which I agree is a good condiment for sandwiches, not for your cum.

No. Three, salt. That's not a condiment. Technically. It's a topping. It's a seasoning. What about simple syrup sugar? That'd be nice. I'd like to do that because I'd come on my own drink sometimes.

You'd be like... Again, I'm just getting selfish with this.. You'd be like, ah. Imagine that. Again, I'm just getting selfish with this. I don't really ever want to relish around. Well, you know what I was thinking? If you did milk, you'd just be like a cow. If I did milk yourself into your cereal bowl. Oh, that's it. I'd come milk.

Not that it's a condiment. I know, but like. You could just, you know. Dude, but no. You know how often it happens to me that i i have cereal but i don't know milk and you can squeeze it out yeah i'm just fucking coming oh but what about would it get would it go would it go bad what you're caught you're come milk probably but like i mean not inside of me and then like i well that's what i don't i don't expiration date like how often do

people leave it on them no no but i mean inside of you no i wouldn't go back inside of you why not because i'm gonna go back inside cows you get Why not? Because I'm going to go back inside cows. You get it out. But I wonder if you let it in there, stay in there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's crazy talk. You're probably right. It's crazy talk.

No, no, it stays. Okay. I mean, you'll feel yourself. You probably have to get milked like a titty or a cow. Yeah. Because you're being gorged. But you feel like you need to get milked now. There are times when you're like, I got to have a fucking cow.

Yo, you're goddamn right, dude. need to get milk now. There are times when you're like, I got to have a fucking cup. Yo, you goddamn right, dude. Got to get the poison now. Get a tin fucking bucket. Put it underneath there. Number one on the list. Number one on the list. Anybody have any guesses what number one is? Balsamic, maybe?

Curry. Butter? No, but that's interesting. Turmeric? Yep. Soy sauce. No, honey. Honey? Honey. no but that's interesting soy sauce no honey honey honey see this is what this was it's not taking into account the rest of the world because my and shits right you know this is not taking into account that we're talking about coming

in out of our dick but if it's a top 10 most popular condiments and it doesn't have soy sauce on there I know a couple billion people who use last choice to us yeah I know a couple billion people who use a lot of soy sauce. Yeah, yeah. You right. I know a couple billion people who do a lot of fucking curry. Honey is more than ten times popular than ketchup, maple syrup, relish, hot sauce, mustard, and soy sauce. And what? Soy sauce.

And honey is ten times more popular than soy sauce? Yep. Get out of town. Yeah. I bet you're a bit surprised. I know I was. I thought for sure ketchup would reign supreme. It's the condiment that first comes to my mind While they are above the most While the above are the most 10 popular They aren't all condiments

So why would they be on the top 10 popular condiments They didn't really give the reason why It doesn't make sense Soy sauce is one of those things that's popular in America On Chinese food Then they're just like that is fucking terrible for you Why would we eat that every meal last voicemail today is brought to you by simply safe the uh best and easiest way you know what i let me ask you a question who else is even in home security business john name another company can't can't do it literally don't even

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set up. You don't have to have any weirdos come in your house and taste the joint. That's the number one way you get burgled. Oh, I'm here to set up your home security and I know where all the fucking doors are and all the locks are and all the windows are. Nope. You do it all yourself. Takes like 15 minutes. You set up the home security and I know where all the fucking doors are and all the locks are and all the windows are. Nope. You do it all yourself.

It takes like 15 minutes. You set up the cameras and the sensors and the motion detectors, the lights, and now you have indoor and outdoor so you can stop people from ever even getting into your property. They also have 24-7 coverage from police, fire, poison control. They will help you with any sort of natural disasters, floods, fires, windows breaking, all of that stuff. And right now, you can get 20% off the interactive monitoring package plus a free indoor security camera when you go to simplisafe.com slash kfcradio. That's simplisafe.com slash kfcradio. Stay-I-Safe.com slash KFC Radio. Stay safe out there. family reunion a couple weeks ago because I had COVID. Come to find out, one of my cousins felt the need to bring up to my mom that on my podcast, I swear a lot. Not sure how that's fucking relevant

or any of her business, but anyways, that's where I'm coming from. So at this point, I am going through the podcast and making an edit that is only the swear words because that's a great use of a few hours of my Sunday afternoon. That is the level of petty I am feeling right now. So my question is what is the most petty thing you've done just because someone was an asshole? The pettiest thing I've done. By this career. What? By this career.

Everyone said it wasn't going work I'm gonna keep doing it fuck you did you get a lot of pushback a lot of people like doubters no no I have one friend who like

he always like every time I see him he apologizes like I'm such a bad friend with that really but he told you like get another job or he was just like

this one sucks you're not gonna do good at it it was it was just like it was like like like it wasn't podcast it was just like working this one sucks. You're not going to do good at it. It was just like, it was like, it wasn't a podcast.

It was just like working at Barstool. He was like my workout partner. And he was like, dude, don't do that. He's like, go like, go sell insurance or go do whatever. And I was like, no, I'm going to do it. He's like, don't. It wasn't like a long, it was like one single conversation. And I was like, I'm going to do it.

It might have been obviously because I had – I didn't go through that period of time where you – like you did where you were making like $200 a month, if that. But like it also – it proved out to be like a good company pretty quickly, whether or not we were getting paid enough to really – it was not ever like an abject failure that we were like going to work every day. I mean, like, Dave was hiring, you know, four people, five people, whatever it was. But, you know, that's a company.

Right. It's not like, you know. There's enough money that this man is throwing, you know, what should be his own income to reinvest and hire people with new salaries. Particularly in Boston. Like, this dude was a big fan of the site. Yeah.

And he was still like, I don't know, man. Yeah. I mean, that might be more insane about me. Well, if you were to think, if you, you know, when you were debating this, if you were to think, like, what about when I'm 60, you know, that was always, like, a little bit of a concern. But I was like, I don't know, I might be dead. All I know is that it's working right now, you know?

Back when I, you know, back when i was working in milton and like would look at comments it was like i remember one really sticking out to me that was like dude you're not gonna have a 401k like you are like go quit and find it you're 21 whatever go find a real job and i was like that one stuck with me i was like oh wait yeah you need a 401k yeah and but i mean i mean we have that now, by the way. But also, you know, it's like – Match it, too, now. They didn't even make an announcement that they match it now.

Yeah, they did. They didn't. I'm sure they don't want anybody to know that. Company party last year was a big thing. I don't know if we – I didn't go to that. Yeah, I think I was on Zoom at that one. But there was never –

I think there was a moment right before the blackout tour where, you Tour where we had cut your salary where it was like things are tight. But there was never a moment. It wasn't we cut salaries. I got fired. Right. Not fired. But it was like – No, I did get – Dave called me.

It was like he let me go. Right. But didn't he say like you can still – But then I was like, can I work for free? Yeah. And he was like, yeah. Yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, obviously.

Right. You can literally do whatever you want for free. There was just never a moment where I was like waking up like time to write, you know, 10 blogs for this website. That is a failure. That is going downhill and not going to work. Yeah. Always like,

this is, this is going to work. Did I think it was going to work to the tune of like a multi hundred million dollar company? No, but I was always like, this will just be a job forever. Correct.

That's exactly. And then I'm being, you know, bigger than we ever all imagined. So, yeah, that was a joke to take a little walk down memory lane because it really didn't have much pushback. So for petty things I've actually done. Oh, yeah, petty.

Tom Petty over here. Dated woman for years. Yeah. Like most relationship shit. Is that petty more than it is stubborn? What's the difference between petty and stubborn? I definitely have had girlfriends where friends were like, dude, no. And I was like, bros.

So it's out of pettiness to your friends to stay with the girl. Yeah. Not anything like pettiness with the girl. No, I've had pettiness with a girl too where it's like one of us are pulling this key. Like one of us is turning the key. Yeah. And it's not going to be me. So that's more stubbornness.

Yeah. But you know what we actually talked about recently, you and I, but it was off air? How odd it is that, and it actually came up again recently when I was home for, like, two weeks or whatever. How odd it is that, like, relationships are, most relationships are defined by their breakup. Yeah. Whether it was a good or bad one but like i i i was home and i was telling stories about the uh just like about this girl that my parents had met and um the girl who made me cry when she dumped me which i still i counted as a good breakup it was like i knew it was coming kind of

and like it wasn't it wasn't a huge shock but i had a little emotion and didn't fuck me up for any time yeah yeah but um and i was like when i was like you talk about her a lot i'm like it's one of my most successful relationships yeah right right right it was like it didn't crash and burn and it was like all right we're good like yeah and it is you can like i've been in love with girls harder and i thought i was gonna have like a life with other girls and like i never thought that with her no so like you wouldn't you would say that's not a good relationship but it was a great because it ended smoothly because it was because all those other ones ended in a fucking fire and if she had

like she probably pulled the plug a little bit early considering that you were pretty blindsided but would you rather that or six more months of dragging it where you probably would start fighting and it would be another breakup. And then it is in the dirt, in the pile of fucking garbage or anything else, you know. But, yeah, you can have great times with people, but then it ends poorly. And it's like, well, that relationship sucks. Yeah, exactly. But what's even weirder is that, you know, very few end, like, amicably where you say like it's good. Like the people that you sign up to love and like give over yourself to them end up being the people that you like.

More often than not, 99% of the time, you know, the one – hopefully it's the one person you settle down with. But all the other ones ones you almost always end up like at their maybe i'm projecting maybe i'm not maybe maybe i'm wrong maybe it is more amicable but i feel like more often than not you end up fucking fighting and hating and saying more even than the breakup i just think it's crazy that you know in most relationships most people's most people i think their their romantic relationships are their most toxic relationships oh yeah which is sick. You treat your friends way better

than you treat your girlfriend and boyfriend. I don't even think it's treating. I think it's when you add love or sex, whatever it is. It's just something chemical. Yeah, it is. I mean, it's just, you know.

Maybe it's just too toxic people talking. It definitely is that. But I just know, I know so Maybe it's just too toxic people talking. It definitely is that. But I just know so many. That laugh was too loud. Just to be clear, fuck you guys. I know so many guys. Oh, hang on a second. This is a juicy taffy.

Dude, I don't usually get them. I was just in the kitchen. I said, who the fuck eats Laffy Taffy? Bro, you are messing around. And this guy is chowing down on it. This is like a fucking... This is like a... Are you about to chew a Laffy Taffy into the mic?

That's aggressive. Hey, guess what? I already had one and you didn't notice. Laffy Taffy is like... I like holding stuff like a fish. That's a big taffy, dude. A lot of times it's hard to open the bag Have you ever had one? I don't think so

What flavor is it? Strawberry Tastes like a whole thing Wait you've never even had one? Can you judge me? That's like a starburst Yeah right No I've had

The taffy I've had Has been hard People don't know about Laffy Taffy Is in this office And don't fucking bleep that out They're good stuff Only me and Frank the Tank eat them People don't know about Laffy Taffy's in this office, and don't fucking bleep that out. They're good stuff. Only me and Frank the Tank eat them.

The defense rests. Because everyone has an image of someone else, and it's not. It's just these two. They do come in odd flavors. It's just strawberry and banana. Maybe if they did a saltwater taffy. The banana one leaves your mouth all, like, filmy. It's fucking weird. Saltwater taffy is different, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just like chewing a rock, right? I don't fucking weird. Saltwater taffy is different, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just like chewing a rock, right? I don't care much for saltwater taffy. Yeah. But this stuff right here, it is a real bitch to open sometimes.

Sometimes, when you get a clean one, you're lucky. Otherwise, you get arrested. Sometimes you're like, like, opening up, like, crab legs and shit.

It looks like you're cracking up opening a lobster. Mm. Anyway, back to the relationship. I was gonna say that, like,

I know a decent amount of guys, or I've heard stories of a decent amount of bad boyfriends who it's like you start dating a girl and, like, they don't want them going out. You're not going to the club. You're not going out to the bar. And it's like you would never in a million years tell a non-romantic friend relationship what they can and can't do.

You know what I mean? I mean, but, like's that's supremely toxic which is yeah you know i was at a level where it's like you're going to tell me even in college but like there there is a level i find it to be much more girls towards guys when when the boys go out and have fun and the girlfriend is not involved they do not like that girls do not like their boyfriends having fun without them. That is just fucking written in their DNA. And whether or not they expose that or work on that is like, you know, whatever. But I think there are guys that, you know, if your girl is out at the club, like, dancing and fucking slutting it up, I think many guys, like, don't like that. I only ever cared when I was in college.

And I didn't – it wasn't like – I don't think I ever said you're not allowed to go out like that. It's something like – But I'd be like, what happened last night? We were in a long-distance relationship too. So it was like – Yeah, yeah. I mean, what happened last night? You probably cheated on me.

Right. We're like sophomores in college. But even if you know they're not cheating, I think that they're – it's insecurity. A lot of guys are just like – Right, right, right, right. It comes from – the really toxic guys, it comes from a place of mean and toxic and rude and bad and all that shit. But a lot of it comes from like I'm just insecure. Like you're not there and I'm not there and I don't know what's going on or whatever.

But again, the fact that you would ever even consider telling someone who, what, when, where, why, what they can do. You're not allowed to go out. What are you talking about, man? I'm going out harder now. Even you didn't text me back. It's been hours since I've heard from you. What's that about?

It's like, shut the fuck up. That's what that's about. I've been busy. I've been that's about. I've been busy. I've been doing things. Or I've been not. Those are fights I've had. What are you doing? I don't know.

Why do I have to tell you everything? Because I'm a missionary texter. I've run out a lot. I don't want to wheelbarrow you over text. That's why. All right. Today's interview. Andrew Schultz is on the show.

A little impromptu pop in with the dude who's taking over the internet with comedy. Schultz has a new special out. It's fresh as fuck. Just like your meals, John, from HelloFresh. Yep, that's correct. 55 plus weekly options. When I go home and I order off the internet, there's like three options. It's like Italian, pizza, which is also another Italian, and like, you know, Asian food.

That's it. I go to HelloFresh, 55 options. With the most delicious ones. The most delicious, but it's also the pre-portioned, high-quality ingredients at their peak ripeness and freshness sent right to you. We're talking international menu. We're doing international dishes. We're doing sides on entrees and desserts. And we're doing salads.

We're doing tacos and burgers. I love some Old Bay panko-crusted salmon. I love a panko-crusted. Oh, curried beef lettuce wraps. Sure. Buffalo honey pork chops. Come on. Cajun barramundi.

Buffalo honey pork chops. That sounds fire. Cajun barramundi and garlic shrimp. Buffalo honey. We're doing shrimp. We're doing salmon. We're doing chicken sausage and pasta skillet

firecracker meatballs one pan cheesy chicken and pepper fajitas I mean it is fireball meatballs what rainbow that's a hall of fame

meal too I was going to say meatballs to me sun dried tomato spaghetti cherry balsamic sirloin I mean I could go on and on and it gets delivered

it's all like summer flavors that's the thing they also have you know in the winter it'll be a little more hearty and warm you up. More stews maybe. If you go away, by the way, you can pause your delivery so it doesn't just stack up. I just did that for next week. Yeah, because you don't want to just stack it up and go in spoiling in the box.

So it's all flexible. It's all affordable. They work with you. They work with your taste. They work with your taste. They work with your schedule. And right now you can get 16 free meals when you go. 16 free meal plus seven boxes and three free gifts. What?

It's crazy. Hellofresh.com slash KFC16. Use code KFC16 and get those 16 free meals across your seven boxes plus three free gifts. I thought he looked exactly what I'm going to look like. I was going to say, listen,

that's what old fucking guys look like. Did people think that Elon Musk was going to be like hot and shredded? You see his picture? No, but he looks like a beluga. But I mean, did you think otherwise? But he's got that barrel chat.

He looks like Firebird. No, I think he's in great shape. He looks like Firebird. He's loose. No's in great shape. He looks like Firebird. He's losing. No, he looks like one of those strong men. Show the homies. Pop the top off and show the homies. He's a blend of me and fucking Alex Jones.

Yes. Yes. Yes. It's the chest. It's the chest. You're looking good right now, dude. You're looking good. I'm fucking Elon Musk on the back of the boat.

Yeah. It is that Alex Jones, Vince McMahon, I did steroids 40 years ago body. Scott Royce, I did Royce. Yes, that's the vibe, and I think that's okay. That's guys being dudes. I think that's the most relatable thing that Elon Musk has ever done. He's pale, and he's got nipples on top of a barrel. I saw someone say, so pale.

So pale. He's working. That motherfucker's putting in hours at the factory. If I'm a Tesla shareholder, I'm like, let's go. Get behind a computer. That's the first time he's seen Sun ever. Robert Pattinson was contractually not allowed to go outside while filming Twilight. He had to stay pale to be a vampire.

That worked out. Yeah, he's got that. That hasn't changed much. He's never been tan. They didn't really even need to put that in. He fell in love with it. He was like, I didn't go outside for 10 years. I was like, this is pretty sick. Yo, we's never been tan. He fell in love with her. He didn't go outside for 10 years. Yo, we've just been talking.

You see this shit about Kylie Jenner? This is one of my favorite flexes of all time. She takes her jet I looked at my phone like I was going to see it pop up. She takes her jet from one side of LA to the other. Three minute flights. A lot of people were saying

planes will do this to fly somewhere to do maintenance and shit. But she herself has been like, yeah, I do this. But like- But here's the thing. That's a 40 minute drive without traffic. And if on traffic it's two hours. That's-

It's worth it. We're a billionaire. I'm trying to save time. Yeah. It's absolutely worth it. And yeah, if you want to spend your money doing that shit, do that shit. Because it's two hours. Say two hours. Say I took shit. Because it's two hours. Say two hours.

Say I took a three minute flight. If it was a ten minute drive, then no. But in LA, that takes two hours. And that's like, I gotta do an appearance. I gotta do my makeup. I take the helicopter to JFK. It's $195. Seems like I'm doing a pro... Thank you.

That is crazy. The Uber will be like $95. Exactly. So 100 more dollars to get there in literally five minutes. I'm not joking. And you're fucking rich now. I'm rich. Come on.

Guys, I'm rich. What is the point of being rich if you don't take helicopters 25 feet? Isn't it for five minutes and they drop you? And this is how it works. You get there. It sounds like I'm doing promo. I'm not doing promo. They drop you off and there's a fucking SUV waiting to take you to your terminal.

Right. That's what... See, I've seen the signs. I'm always like, I don't know. I'm going to have to lug my bags, like three different terminals. It's not worth it. SUV drops you right off of your fucking terminal. So you're there at your terminal in seven minutes total.

Imagine going to JFK. In seven minutes. In seven minutes. And for $100 more. And what is the thing that we all universally hate the most? It's traffic. It's travel. It's I gotta take the

shuttle. They don't drop me at my terminal. So when you've made it in life and you've busted your ass or in this case they get harassed all the time and they don't have a private life. I'm going to erase that from my life. I don't have a private life I'm going to erase that from my life I don't worry about that

it's basically teleporting that's why comics get less funny I think though because they don't go through because you don't have an airport story you don't have a

what's funny about what I just said nothing nothing at all it was the douchiest story I've ever heard it was like it was douchey

and I tried to justify it but it was still so unrelatable but fuck it that's like. But I'm rich, guys. That's what matters.

I was, as I was saying, I was like, we are. I was like, I'm in on now. I'm doing helicopter too. And I was like, I should probably. Be honest. You would do it knowing that it's $100 more. The Uber is $100. I'm doing it every time from now on.

Dang it. Now, here's where it gets tricky. You go with your wife, it's another $200 for her. Not worth it. By yourself, one person, it's worth it? Two people? You better hit that fucking train. Because the Uber is $100 for both of us.

Right, right, right. We're going to get a little bit more douchey real quick. Okay, go, go, go, go. I was, last summer, I was going to a bachelor party in the Hamptons in Montauk. And I was hungover. I was like,

I'm not, I'm taking a helicopter out here. And then I got in the helicopter and I got fucking drunk at the bachelor party. I was like, I'm not taking anything. That's 500, by the way.

I'm taking a helicopter back. That's 500. So I took the helicopter back, but on the flight out there, it was a blade, right? And so it was like the flight out there, I was in the back with like not a bachelorette party, but three older women, not older, but I don't know, whatever, like three women in the back of the helicopter. And it was fine. Then getting the helicopter back, I was with three dudes, and just our legs were like a fucking rat king mess.

And I was like, this is disgusting. Dude, I also remember when you told that story, you were like, you were like, dude, it was like 450 bucks. And then like he told it again. He was like, it's like 500 bucks. And then eventually it was like, it was like 750. It was like 900 bucks. Okay. Every time you got a little more truthful

and eventually it was $2,000 both ways. But you save Hours It's a four hour ride out there I don't really fuck with the Hamptons I'll be honest and I'm saying that on this podcast right now So clearly I'll be buying a house in the Hamptons In the next fucking year because I'm the biggest hypocrite

But like it's four hours To be with the same people you were with in the city Yes Go in four hours Maybe even worse to be honest Just same people you were with in the city yes yeah yeah yeah yeah do you know like yeah go in four hours maybe even worse to be honest you know like just the people you hate the most they're around in the most stuck up places that are going to charge a cover and be the same restaurant yeah yeah everything and i'm like you just have you have some beach you have some beach property hopefully when people go there nobody goes to the beach right it's not a beach town backyard or you do that thing so i'm like for me I don't but yeah that's why do you know what else

they're doing for but it's sorry but it's four hours and it's like if I'm going for the weekend that four hours eight hours bro that's a half a day

eight hours on your travel and imagine you rented a place for the weekend those four hours and that place you rented by the way is thousands of fucking dollars exactly bro

it was the right decision dude you know who should really be doing it the plane and the helicopter. They also are offering... There's a doctor or urologist. They shut that shit down. The people in the Hamptons shut that down.

Blade had a seaplane that was doing it as well. Yeah, because the people in the Hamptons want to keep that shit. We don't want it at all. We want fishermen and fucking surfers. We want it to be inconvenient. There's a urologist in Manhattan that is offering bladder Botox and prostate embolization where you like sear it okay so that you don't have to piss as much because the old people driving out to the hamptons have to stop every like two minutes to pee so think about this you're you're older right it's you your wife and another couple

they use the jitney there's the hampton bus yeah i figured they have a fucking no the rich people you can have a toilet there right there's a that's probably part of it that's of it because i started to think about it because it sounded so silly like the headline is like doctor is making it so old people don't have to pee to go to the hamptons i'm like do we really need this if it's you and your wife and another couple let's say you're all 60 plus yeah you you pee five times an hour she pees five times an hour and you're all on different pee schedules and the drive is four and a half hours you're peeing every 10 10 minutes, you're never going to get to the handstands. Never going to get there. It's actually like, yeah, just snip this or sear that

or give me my Botox and I don't have to piss for four hours until I can get to my beach spot. We have to figure out what the beach play is for New York that's not so far. Well, Jersey is the spot. Is it? Well, you need to go to the right spots in Jersey. Okay.

Because there is Seaside Heights, which is Jersey Shore, right? Yeah. Destroyed the brand. Right. Destroyed. But what happened was that the people who live in the nice parts of Jersey are happy to let that be the reputation because then nobody comes. So there are these really – there's a town they call the Irish Riviera and there's these really like beautiful spots that are you can't bring food on the beach it's all clean it's all families it's all nice and they're happy to let you think that my town is guidos and fights and shit because

then nobody's here i was 100% i believe in that because i grew up in massachusetts and rhode island so i did like the vineyard i did nantucket i did newport the cape and i was like fuck that especially because in high school when it all came out. They were the enemies. New York, Boston stuff just kind of got you. And then last summer I got a place in Asbury Park and it was fucking

beautiful. What you do not get, you get zero clout. You get zero status. Nobody will be impressed. No one will be like, oh, you have a house in seagirt you have a house in spring lake you have a dude nobody cares but you you can get million dollar mansions on a little lake that's near the beach and byob restaurants and all this shit in spring lake new jersey and it'll probably be the nicest place you'll ever be in your life we should do

that you know and that's and that's exit 98 off the parkway, off the Jersey. I mean, that's just a no-brainer. So it's like an hour 15. And if you take a plane, it's only like two minutes. I'll pitch Asbury Park one more time. There's a fucking ferry that leaves from the financial district. Ferry's beautiful. Ferry, it's like 16 bucks. 45 minutes.

Get a couple drinks. Bar on the ferry. Boom, you're there. And drops you off in Asbury Park. It's like a 15-minute Uber. Something like that. But even that. That's brilliant.

So like Manasquan was the spot where the kids go to party. And then Belmar and Asbury Park. The towns after that are the new spots that are up and coming. But there's all these little towns around that that are like you're close to where the partying is but a little bit removed. Right. They don't like the New Yorkers who come down. They call them Bennys. It's like,

oh, the fucking Bennys are here for the summer. Why do they call them Bennys? It has something to do with, back in the day, it was like between Newark and New York. So it was like B-E-N-N-Y. So there's like some story about that. But a lot of my friends are locals.

So they, and a lot of those towns are year round towns where you can raise your kids and you get good schools good education but you're also five minutes from the beach yeah so like I know

I have a friend who's his dad retired aka he just stopped working but he doesn't have to move anywhere he has the beach he walks his dog on the beach every day he's in the same town that he grew up in and nobody knows

because it's Jersey's the armpit of America blah blah blah yeah but you will never no one will ever be like and i think it's a good thing but no one will ever be like andrew schultz was spotted at the jersey shore this weekend the same way it's like in the hamptons you know but you know certain people who make millions on the internet go to certain places where they like to be known and spotted i'll tell you why that's valuable it's if you want your property to increase in value. Like, the brand of the Hamptons. It's a thing. It's a machine, man.

It's a thing, dude. And even, like, with foreign investment. My buddy was telling me this. Like, all these foreigners buying Bel Air. And I'm like, why? And it's just fresh prints of Bel Air. Beverly Hills 90210. Like, if it's the rich area, they go, oh, imagine you're some Russian trying to get your money out.

Right, right, right. And you want to, where do you put it? Do you put in Brentwood? Right. I've never seen a fresh kid in Brentwood. I don't even know what Brentwood is. I don't know what the fuck is that, right? Santa Monica, Venice.

Venice is a ripoff of the other Venice. Right. So you're like, fuck this. I'll put it in the place where the show is. 90210. 100%. That's the only area zip code I know. Isn't that crazy?

I know mine, and I know 90210. I don't know mine. I forget it all. I have to Google my address every time I write something down. Dude, that's such an interesting thing about brands and money and shit though that it's so dumb. But once you get it, that's why I think it's funny when people say someone fell off or they're not famous anymore or whatever.

We used to work with Jenna Marbles. She was always in the zeitgeist and then all of a sudden not. And I was kind of like, oh, it must be over for her. And I look at her YouTubes and shit. It's still like 10 million views every time. Oh, she's still out there doing it. Because it's just like once you make it, you kind of just make it. There's always somebody who's going to pay for your shit.

You have your audience. And obviously there's ups and downs and there's levels. But she might be happier without the constant criticism. Oh, she canceled herself. That was one of the funniest. Remember that? Yeah. She came out and said, I just want to let you know that one time I used certain language

in my videos and it's like nobody knew. Nobody was going to find out. Oh, really? Really? She wanted to get ahead of it. You remember that? No. Yeah, she came out.

And I don't think it was even that bad. It was like some Nicki Minaj song or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like something that think it was even that bad. It was like some Nicki Minaj song or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like something that really wasn't even that bad, but it was funny. Well, that's – I was actually – we've talked about it extensively today, but I've been binging Always Sunny recently. Yeah. And one of my favorite episodes is the one they did where they just kind of dressed all

of their blackface and all their shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys got away with all of it, man. Big time. They're just sitting around at the table being like – so what was it? Mac steps back. He's like, I'm not going to play Murtaugh in Leaf the tail being like, so, what was it? Mac steps back. He's like, I'm not going to play Murtaugh

in Leap of Seven. Like, yeah, because you're white. He's like, yeah, but you have to celebrate me for not,

I'm not doing it anymore. They're the best. They are the fucking best. All right. Before we get to more business talk with Andrew Schultz, I'm talking about the business of online commerce.

We're talking about eBay where they are now refocusing on selling sneakers. I used to buy and sell sneakers on eBay all the time. A couple apps came along, the sneaker industry shuffled and changed up a little bit. And now, if you're doing your due diligence and you realize what's going on, eBay is actually the best place to buy and sell sneakers once again, because A, they have their authenticity guarantee where you know you're not getting scammed, and B, it's the most affordable pricing because it's a completely open, free market.

There's nobody else getting their cut. There's nobody else trying to scam anything. There's no bots or none of that. You're talking about person to person, collector to collector. I have these sneakers. Here's the condition they're in. They are authentic.

They might be dead stock and brand new. They might be slightly worn. They might be a classic that you can't find anywhere else that are used. It doesn't matter. All the best sneakers to make your collection be the best it could be on eBay right now. I mean, some of the best sneakers in my collection I found, you know, in the deep deep dark corner of eBay where one guy was selling. There's nothing more satisfying than finding like this dude has a

10.5 and it's brand new and he can ship it in like two days and it's affordable. It's an awesome if you're a sneaker head, finding the gold ones on eBay is where it's at. So eBay sneakers authenticity guaranteed. Back to Schultz. You got the special out. Yeah, the special is out for right now. So eBay sneakers, authenticity guaranteed. Back to Schultz.

So you got the special out. Yeah, the special. We'll talk about that for right now. Special's out, man. By the way, that whole segment, I don't know if there's a 30 Rock episode where Tracy Jordan is trying to do stand-up and they're like, you lost it.

And his bit is like, you know how people in St. Barts eat their lobster like, mm? But for real, so you went, I mean, your shit was pretty meteoric. like a lot of times i feel like comedy you almost do kind of keep your relatability because it's like yeah you're popping right now but that's after like 30 years of grinding yeah you probably put in what a solid how old are you now 38 so i put in like 15 so that's not like nothing yeah but and then once you did hit it went went boom, right?

Yeah, I was good. So like, the internet, once I went balls deep in internet content and just kind of putting out my standup clips, everything on internet. It's funny,

the internet worked, right? Yeah, it kind of works. It's a crazy concept. I remember my grandma, before she died, she said it was a fad. Yeah. She said that computers

and the internet were just a fad. Yeah. I don't think so, grandma. How about this? I got a cake. I think those people are going to be proven right. The internet laughs at them all the time.

I think there's going to be a time where we're like, get this the fuck. I hope so. I fucking hope so, bro. We already talked about it with Be Real, where Be Real is the new cool thing where it's like, you only use it for one second, and that's it. The pendulum will swing. I think it's going to swing back. It's cigarettes.

Yeah, you think? Well, yeah. I definitely think that they're going to look back. They'll have Surgeon General warning on apps. Can you believe that they used to have access to it 24-7? Like the internet. They'll regulate it because they'll be like, you'll go crazy. They smoked all day.

You can eat hamburgers without even knowing. Now you have to put the nutritional facts. You'll have to put the nutritional facts on social content on the internet. This will make you kill yourself. If you are 13 years old and you're gonna be sad you will become a bad person you're at sad time you've been here for an hour or not done anything else you're about to be sad yeah i remember but those people you know over in europe if you buy cigarettes the boxes have like black lungs yeah babies and shit and those people rip that open and say i will look at that

and be like yeah yeah whatever Let me get these sweets off. I'm 90. This is how I got here. I'm happy. I'll do this and make my money and then die. The rest of you guys, I don't know. Are the old grandmas smoking cigarettes still? Yeah. It just doesn't affect her.

She smoked a cigarette and drank whiskey every day. What was your secret man I went on Twitter 24-7 I sent 100 tweets a day for 30 years That's what I did That'll go viral like once a year There'll be someone like

It's his 110th birthday And we ask him how he does it Bottle of whiskey and a cigarette a night But yeah that's not how he does it He's just a super freak Yeah no it's not because of that It's despite that you you fucking morons. But yeah, I went in and then I just fucking.

But so, you know, you went from like, you know, New York comic and relatability to like, I feel like a lot of your humor now is in your success and your money and all that. Like that's not an easy, that's a delicate thing. A lot of people will watch what we just did and hate on that. A lot of people will find the humor. a delicate thing. A lot of people will watch what we just did and hate on that. A lot of people will find the humor but a lot of people

will be like, yo, hate on it. Like I agree. Like I think for me, I try to, in a weird way, like I try to put myself around the angst,

you know, and that's a hard thing to do once you have, you've gotten enough money to like remove inconveniences and I'm not talking about like enough money like that's crazy.

Like you make a good amount of money, you can remove inconveniences. Like'm not talking about like enough money like that's crazy like you make a good amount of money you can remove inconveniences like a reasonable amount and you can eat meals and you know it's like when you're living in a one bed a studio and eating spaghetti all your stories are crazy you know rats in my fucking cheerio like those things those are really interesting so it's like

for me like when we were living in Miami during a pandemic like I knew I had to come back because I couldn't write a single joke in Miami. I was so happy. And nobody bothered me. Nobody bothered me. Culturally down there, it was like, let's have a good time. Let's enjoy our family and let's party and dance.

And it's like, who am I pushing back against? You know what I mean? I need some purple haired chick with fucking armpit hair and fighting and angry at men for no reason and then I get to wittily take that away from them and it's like oh this is fun. This is what I live for. It's a challenge. You need to be challenged. It's a fun thing. How do I play the

I don't want to call it intellectual warfare but how do you just wax poetic about something in just the funniest way and just find that fun little nuance that is untrue, that is completely fake, but it makes sense logically.

I need a little bit of angst to do that. Where do you get your angst though? This is also so you ask the comedian, how do you write your jokes? You're not that active on social, right? No, Twitter is just a liability.

It's like I'm not going to get canceled for something that did nothing for me. I'll get canceled for like a fucking joke I put out. But usually I don't think people get canceled for jokes. They get canceled for like off-color commentary. But like actual stand-up, here's a joke. Well, because that is a joke or a tweet can be like he fucking means that shit and he actually thinks that about those people it can be however you want right right you get to it yeah exactly but if i have a mic and i'm doing a thing then it's a

little bit harder but um but yeah for me i think i tend to push back against outrage yeah i think that's kind of what you see on twitter yeah oh it on Twitter? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like in your mentions or like – Twitter, just news, just in general, culture. I like how I've forgotten about the news. No, because the news is Twitter. Where do you get your cultural news? Oh, news. That's it. But the news is Twitter, but it's –

I don't know. The news is Twitter, and now Twitter is the news. Like the news outlets are just as fucking – Meaning the news outlets are on Twitter. Right. So I'm going to hear about the trending stories. But they're also so in somebody's pocket or skewed there's nothing everything's skewed but i'm more looking at like what everybody is so reactive to and then i want to kind of my knee-jerk intuition

is to have the opposite reaction right so like exactly so you know a lot of people look at that we're talking about this before like this is how men hang out. I don't know, like, like if you're with your boys and you're on like a bus to a game or something like that, like no, nobody is saying the right thing. Right? Like that's not funny.

That's not enjoyable. It's not funny about like, you're, you're finding like which teacher you would have sex with that is the, the biggest, grossest teacher.

Right? And you're going, I'm going to say this thing, or if there's something crazy happening in the news, you're having a wild take that's wrong about it it's not right right everybody knows you're just trying to make them laugh and that is in a lot of ways stand-up comedy i know there are comics out there that are very like political and that kind of stuff and it's just like

you don't care well some people call what you just described contrarian and like yeah yes right yeah that's it's yeah it has a hello but it's like, that's what we're doing. This is the people who don't understand humor that chalk it up to. You're just saying that to have a take, and it's like, yeah, that's kind of a fucking game here, man. We call it contrarian because we want to remove ourselves from what we often feel. And our feelings are wrong. Take my wife, please is the oldest joke ever. That's saying, get rid of my wife.

You have a wife, or you had one. You got rid of me. it comes from a real place right I have a wife that sometimes your wife annoys you you want to get fucking rid of her but you don't actually want that you're not actually going to do that but you had a moment where you thought about something

that was wild because they've also had that moment the funniest thing when we started Barstool, I'm like 25, and every blog we wrote, the comment section was this crew of like 40-year-old guys. This is back when a comment section actually had some value, and it wasn't just bullshit. It was like you knew their names. You knew their stories. And every one of them to a man was like I just fucking hate my wife so much and I'm 25 and I'm reading it and it

killed me every comment they're all hack jokes but it's just so funny to me that like Lemmings guys we all just walk off of the fucking we just walk the plank and we're like no no my girl's different my marriage is going to be different and they're like nope it wasn't and I believe that right now you will

you will you know this is why like people try to like chalk up like what is comedy what are these different things And I believe that right now. You will get there. This is why people try to chalk up, what is comedy? What are these different things, all these different categories? It's like, buddy, buddy, buddy. If you're already thinking about the category,

you're missing the point. Are you laughing? Is this making you laugh? Because if it's just making you think and not laugh, it failed. Right, right, right. That's different. Is it Colin Quinn who coined it?

Like, clapped her? Oh, God? I agree. Let me tell you something. If that person that does the claptor could make you laugh, they would. They can't. Nobody says things that people in a room will agree with because

over saying something funny because they want to. If you can say the funny thing, if you're just hanging around human beings and you can say the funny thing, you will. You do. Because it's the you can say the funny thing, you will. You do. You do.

Because it's the best feeling in the world. It's awesome. We say it all the time. Somebody said, would you rather make a girl cum or make the homies laugh? And everybody to a man said make the homies laugh. Yeah. I mean. Like, making a girl cum is cool.

Yeah. But making a random girl? Well, you say what? Because, like, making the same girl come over and over again. I've got to make my wife come. You know what I mean? Because I'm going to feel insecure if I can't make my wife come. Some random girl?

Are you kidding me? For the homies, bro. You know what's going to make the homies laugh? When I tell them I didn't make that girl come. That's the oldest joke. Choke it up, fellas. How funny is that? One of the biggest hack jokes and longest running jokes is that,

and we kind of stopped saying it. It was just like, you know what? No, I can make a girl come. Because the oldest joke is, I don't know where the G-spot is. I don't know where the girl is. I don't. We said the other day, like, you were like. When people, the G-spot's one thing. When the joke is, like, I don't know where the G-spot is. I don't know where the clit is. We said the other day, when people say, the G-spot is one thing.

When the joke is like, I don't know where the clit is. I don't. I have a joke. I don't know where the clit is. I swear to God. What do you fucking mean? I swear to God, I don't know where it is. I swear to God, I don't know where it is. And you don't either. You don't either. Bro.

No, no, no. You know more or less. That's the joke. I say I still have to do Ash Wednesday No, no, no, no. You know more or less. That's the joke. I say I still have to do Ash Wednesday every time I've done it. But you know more or less. But you don't know exactly. It's under the hood. Oh, is it?

Have you ever looked under the hood? No, you haven't. You know it's under there. And you're like, if I just press on this thing. But it's this tiny thing. So maybe it's on the top under the hood. I understand that. But pressing on the top and doing the ass Wednesday will get the job done.

Oh, you're such a ladies man, bro. See, that's what I mean. That's not a funny joke. That's not the funny joke. It's not a funny joke to say I can make a girl cum. Yeah. That's part of it. It's the worst.

Right. When you see a guy up there, like, talking about how good he is with ladies. Yeah, yeah. It's the worst. But I got to a point where I had said So many fucking times That my dick is small And I can't make girls cum And I was like Is your dick small?

I don't like that It's not Then don't say it But I can also make you cum That's great But that's not funny Yeah but you also Don't have to say everything

That's what I'm saying Then just don't talk about that But I do think That there are certain times Where guys lie for likability Yeah Right and I think You see that in comedy

And that's inauthentic Right But if you like the other day i was no you weren't you know exactly shut the fuck up about it yeah i mean like i think you just got to find like where the truth is you know what i mean like it by truth i mean in your feelings not the right thing to say what you're actually what do you feel about it what most people feel is gonna get you in trouble these days and that's where we go sometimes you get you in trouble but sometimes it's also just like

I don't know but I think most of us it's like my dick's not small but it's not big and I can make you cum but I'm not great and I think that's like

the vast majority of us I mean if you're making them cum you're great alright I'll be honest I've been thinking if I've ever seen a clip for the last four minutes

Shultz has got a seed of doubt yeah I remember with the joke the point I was trying to make is like, what I'm trying to do is like I'm hearing women talk about how hard their life is and how difficult things are. So immediately I'm trying to like, it's not that hard. Why is it not that hard? How can I tell you it's easy?

Yeah. And I think the thing, the joke, it was something about like if somebody kidnapped my mother and they're like, you could either, we're going to kill your mom unless you make Ted come or Rebecca come. And it's just like, if I got one shot. I got you. Like it's not even a fucking question. So don't tell me it's harder. That's the answer to the internet.

Right? So it's just like you got to do it because you would. It's your fucking mom. It's up and down, up and down, up and down. As confident as you are that you can make a girl come. No. I will make a guy cum You make the fellas cum Bro, I will make a guy cum

So hard, so fast They'll never go back They'll come back for more This is what it's like with the boobs It's not that serious I think what happens is I will suck Ted's dick See? It's going to be a I think what happens is like... That was sucked head's dick.

On, on. See? You'll be a mess down here. That's it. Right? And then it's funny to imagine that. Right? So, I don't know.

For me, that's what I'm always looking at. I'm like, just how do we have that much fun? How does that happen on stage? What can we do? And I think what happens is that scares execs. And I'm not unreasonably so. Of course. They're worried about the fucking bottom line. They're worried about the company.

That's their job, to worry about the company. Their company is not to be like comedy purists. It's like, what is going to fuck us up? The problem is when there's enough outlets for us to put out our comedy that is uncensored. Exactly. You have the YouTube and Instagram. And they have to you know change their ways

you have to there's no way that you can compete this whole shit is why Answer the Internet works where it's like we just talk about the dumbest

weirdest shit but you know no one wants to you know sponsor something where we're talking about killing a hundred year old man or fucking your dad

or whatever this shit we do until it's so undeniable and then they have to sponsor but you gotta prove the product and I guess that's that was the thing with this I had no fucking clue how was it gonna work right i never

done it i think i mean i know for a fact louis had done it but i don't even know louis numbers right and i felt too embarrassed to like ask hey how much money did you make it's tough to compare to in any way also he's a fucking superstar right and it's like you can be at your best and it's still you know you compare yourself to louis is likeie is like. It's like his recognizability and even scandal along with it. Like you want to know what happened with that. You know, so you're like there's so much curiosity. Like if Chris Rock puts his shit behind a paywall for what happened with the Will Smith, I'm paying every single fucking time.

That was great with the Louie one too where he waited until like 50 minutes in. So he put out like sorry and then he's like, well, that's what I say. He just didn't address it for like 45 minutes. But that's because he is so undeniable. That's like on draft night being like, can I talk to Michael Jordan about his experience so I know what to do? It's like, bro, relax, you know? But there is some – obviously a lot of – I also feel though like once you – This is what the people want.

Was there a part of you that as soon as you realized this was happening you were like yes realize what is happening that like you were gonna that like you were gonna i know you had to take a huge cash outlay and a big risk but i don't even think it was a risk i think you knew pretty quickly that you were gonna make it back i didn't know that i was gonna make i started crunching numbers and i was like okay i have a patreon that has 20,000 subscribers. That means that every month 20,000 people are paying money. So there's that many people that pay for online content. So I feel pretty confident that they will. I don't know for sure, but that gives me some confidence.

Doing the road really lets you know where you are. You're selling out all the time. You know people fuck, and that's paid tickets. Exactly. So you get a fraction of that. You know what I mean? They paid money to go out. That's weekend buy it and get a baby so yeah yeah so you get a fraction of them paying plus that 20 plus and then you start to put those

together so but i'm just saying like you you know we said before like but the story around it if you spent one if you spent whatever money on marketing yes to come up with a story that good. You wouldn't, you know what I mean? No, you couldn't. You couldn't. So was there a point where you were like, this sucks and it's kind of fucked up, but also now I've got this fucking story that is better than any marketing ever.

Well, when it initially happened, I didn't know where it was going to go. I didn't know if I was going to try to get another thing. I didn't know, whatever. So initially, I'm thinking when it happened, I'm like, okay, this is the right thing to do for comedy. It's the right thing to do for jokes. I've never watered down my jokes.

I've had my jokes only on YouTube. Keep this in mind. I've never done a stand-up special for a network. Right, where they tell you what to change. Exactly. Or tell you what to do, whatever. Do people know me from me putting my stuff out exactly the way I want it? So I'm not going to change that.

Netflix didn't touch anything when you did that one? Well, I didn't consider that stand-up. Right. Oh, okay. Right? I was doing the turn your phone videos, but it wasn't like stand-up your jokes specifically. You know what I'm saying?

And it was much more like political and like nuanced and like researched and all that other stuff. This is pure stand-up, right? So basically I'm looking at this story and I'm like, okay, this is great to be standing up for jokes, but I still don't know where it's going to go. Right. It wasn't until after where I was like,

I think that people will appreciate this idea. And that did factor into it because I'm like, I think this is something that people are willing to stand by. And I think they're tired of the censorship. And once they felt what comedy can be like, what sports can be like, what everything can be like without the condom on, because that's all it is when you're with the network. Once you get a taste of the real shit once they felt what comedy can be like, what sports can be like, what everything can be like without the condom on

because that's all it is when you're with the network. Once you get a taste of the real shit, you're like, yeah. Exactly. Once you take the condom off, you're not going back.

Right. And I think that's what happened obviously with you guys. It's what happened with, shit, you can even look at like Wall Street bets, what they did to like cause disruption

in like financial markets. Like all these things are happening. You go right to the source. You know, you get the real deal. It's like your cocaine's not cut anymore. You get the real shit. Once you get the real shit, you can't go back You know, you get the real deal. It's like your cocaine is not cut anymore. You get the real shit. Once you get the real shit,

you can't go back to the cut. It just feels weird. It's like watching like a, a monologue from like Jimmy Kimmel now. And it's like, like what is happening? You're like, are you somebody cruise ship?

Like, right. Right. What the fuck am I watching right now? Yeah. Like there's knock knock jokes on TV and you just can't believe it because you've actually heard wild, wild jokes

on a fucking podcast. Right. Like, there are funnier jokes that we're just gonna say riffing right now than what Jimmy Fallon is gonna say.

And their cast of writers is gonna never come up with. And those writers are funny. Right. That's the sad thing. let those guys go wild. Those are some of the funniest fucking writers

and it breaks them to have to write those stupid jokes and like, yeah, that's the thing. I almost feel bad for the writers

in that situation. They're fucking good. When you were coming up, was there ever a moment where you were like, maybe I'll be a writer? and like yeah that's the thing I almost feel bad for the writers in a trap when you were coming up it was there ever a moment where you like maybe I'll be a writer or you never I can't do that no because you knew what it was happening in the room no I just wouldn't give me as much joy wait what were you doing up until like what was your early 20s and shit well I mean jobs I I had a let's see I worked I was managing a restaurant for a while and I tried to save up all my money I just like lived at home

my parents live in the city so I was very lucky I got to like live at home for like almost nothing yeah yeah yeah and I was working my folks

my folks had like a dance studio so I was like just put a few hours in there there was like you know teaching like partner dancing you were teaching? not me

oh bro I was like imagine I was just, bro. This is going to turn into a lesson. I've been dying for a lesson in dancing, dude. We were doing a little tap dance, a little hip hop. We were mixing it in there.

Bro, we did. That's such a compliment to you that I believed it for even a second. I look at you like, I can see a motherfucker teaching a dance class. A dance class over here. Or we were doing the flamenco today and tomorrow we'll do the the magic bro yeah

Miami makes sense that's why I went down there dude was there I feel like there was some pushback though did you did you get like

a lot of hate for what for people being like oh you're just charging us money or this is a lie or whatever were people were people

supportive no there was it was the support on this has been absolutely crazy like unreal crazy and that's been obviously the coolest part because i've never been more nervous to release anything much like i i was more nervous we had like a watch party that i had people over and i just removed myself and i went into another room so people were just watching

you while you were there before we've been watching like i we flew 10 people in to new york yeah five and five were like local oh they're fans but yeah that's a little well to be there but that's still tough but it's a little family everything like that but like even before it started i'm in the fucking other room because i just have no control of this situation like on stage i control yeah something happens i can react to it i can write this shit no matter what exactly i don't know if the fucking internet's gonna go out i don't know what's going on i don't know how people and then the reaction that night was just unreal could you imagine if people like

yo dude this sucks yeah this shit blows you wasted all your money it's brutal man but i know you i'm i know you felt that way but it was inevitable dude like you're at the point where your comedy's good you know you know the business like they're really i can't tell it wasn't my wallet and i wouldn't you know so shut the fuck up but there really actually was no risk at the end of the day you know it's it's look there's there's a there's a book called like uh the something the banker and the suicide king i forget what it is it's about a guy named andy beal who tried to like beat the best poker players in the world by raising the stakes so he was like i can't play as good as them but if i can get them to be spending so much money

they'll get nervous sure and then they make a mistake or whatever yeah yeah that i can understand that's the territory i was operating right you're like this is i'm out of my doubt you can't think clearly like right if it was like from the outside i'm like i hear what you're saying funnier you've never been smarter you're you've got your you know if you were on the downside of your career and your audience was dwindling or something i'd be like oh man yeah but like and the tide is right like people are sick of censorship in general yes so they're like oh they want to support something that has being censored because they're they they also want to prove like, hey, we like that and we want more of this. Right.

And the only way you win anything is with your dollars. It's the protest of the man and the machine and all that shit. Yeah, 100%. So it's like I think that that was definitely. Yeah, timing is everything. Stories is definitely important. But you've got to have a fucking product. And it was

just really cool like even just seeing like the rock post about it fucking the nelk boys and all these like they're like these these people who have like let's not put the nelk boys on the rock bro you say the rock listen rogan like no shade to them but the rock bro what i'm saying is like they're they're people who got big platforms right and like they're all supporting it yo posting on your on the rocks page probably costs fucking five hundred thousand dollars is like there are people who got big platforms, right? And like, they're all supporting it. Yo, posting on the Rocks page probably costs fucking $500,000. Easy. Right?

Like if a company's like, hey, we want you to support these Cherry Cola or some shit like that. It's going to be very expensive. Right. So the fact that he just did it.

Right. And like, I don't know, that kind of stuff I see because it's all grassroots. I need that. Yeah. You know,

we put some fucking posters up in New York City. They were done in three hours. They were York City. They were done in three hours. They were taken down. Like, covered in three hours. I spent six grand. I'm like, oh, this will be cool. You walk around, it's like an album release.

My girl walked the dog, took a picture, and I was like, yo, take another one because I was on the West Coast. I was like, can you go back and take another one? Went back, nothing. $6,000 for three hours. Boom. For three hours. Literally. For a Kylie Jenner flight, bro. Bam. Went back, nothing. $6,000 for three hours. Boom. For three hours.

Literally. For a Kylie Jenner flight, bro. Bam. Went back and nothing. Like, didn't even cover it. I think they just took him down. But that was just cool to see all the people fucking reaching out and posting. And just the reactions to it has just been dope.

So do you think you'll just do that now on? I don't know. I'm not sure it's a lot of work I'm not gonna lie to you it's a lot but if you just go into it now knowing

maybe the price is a little lower because you don't have to shell out the money but it's just like kind of what Louis did it's like I'm not gonna fuck with any streamers

anymore I'm not doing notes ever again so ideally we can look right now I'm in the best situation right

I know how much a day in I can make, right? And we have two more weeks. We're only putting up for two weeks for sale. So it's like I know how much they can make. So that's not my value. That's my value alone where I get to keep it.

I have the rights forever. I can do whatever I want with the audio. That's my value. So for me to do on a streamer, you got to multiple that shit like crazy. And now you have the proof. You'd be like, damn, here it is. This is not pie in the sky. Exactly.

So that's a good thing to bargain with. The other thing was doing it with a streamer is like, for me, I don't know. It's like they just get lost. Do you know what I mean? I was talking about this. Bill Burr is, I think, the best comic in the world. And it's like the, the best,

I love Bill. And it's like, I feel like not enough people were talking about the special. And it's like, that's on Netflix. And everything is watered down. So what is, is Bill supposed to,

is Bill supposed to do all the promo by himself? If he's going to do all the promo by himself, he might as well just release it like me and make all the money. The part of the bargain is you got to do something. And I think what happened with these streamers is early on with netflix it was like everybody who was on was a star yeah and you get that front fucking page and all that now they can't make stars right so you have to make it yep okay they're losing money so now it's tough to pay if you can't get me eyeballs you got to pay me eyeballs i'm not getting and if you can't pay me money you can't pay me i don't get the eyeballs and you don't know what are we doing If you can't get me eyeballs, you gotta pay me for the eyeballs I'm not getting. And if you can't pay me money,

you can't pay me. I don't get the eyeballs. What are we doing here? I would say... It used to be like Netflix star, Netflix special. People still care about that. But even that is starting to... It's starting to... It can be on HBO Max. It can be on Amazon. It can be on this.

Even that's starting to dwindle. I would say my algorithm would be in the top 1% of like feed this guy comedy be all I watch is like comedy comedy specials yeah just comedy shows and not for a single second was ever on yeah how and it's Red Rocks is like iconic the algorithm is in advance the YouTube algorithm is so advanced and this why I tell comics like well it's you know well, it's, you know, the smartest. It's fucking.

I don't think people realize. It's Google. It's not. You know, your Gmail is your YouTube. So it's like, this is the fucking. This is the registry in the sky is coming up with this shit. It's the data of Google. It's the data of YouTube.

Like, the biggest search engine in the world is Google. The second biggest is YouTube. Right. So it's like they have the two biggest search engines in the world constantly crunching data and finding the people that you like. I don't even think TikTok will survive now that YouTube has shorts.

I think everything will just be on YouTube and that's where people consume content. And that algorithm is so strong it's going to find the people who fuck with you

that you don't even know. Exactly. That's like this is a new show you've never heard of you're going to like. If you're a comic that has no like YouTube tells you so

fans or anything you put your stand up on YouTube 100% and you keep putting it out there and you shoot it at a lower budget so it doesn't break your fucking wallet

but you keep doing it when you're ready to do a special specials cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to produce that's just a flat cost you can't get around

like you can find is it really though? 400,000 like but because the best people charge that? Because I bet you you could find some people who can do some sick shit with a camera

That's not going to be $400,000 You could probably get it done for $250,000 Do you want all the frills? Do you want fucking Bruce Buffer introducing you? Do you know what I mean? Do you want to make that a special or a normal? But even when I hear about all the YouTube specials recently in comedy,

these guys always say, like, I spent like 50 grand. I spent my life savings on it. And I know these guys right here could shoot your special, and it would be fire, and they're not going to charge you 50 grand. They should. They could. They might. But I know guys who are fucking fire that if you find the right people

and they're just looking to get their name out and all that shit, it doesn't have to be as expensive as I think people make it. I think there might be a certain company you go to and certain people and blah, blah, blah. Spend what you want. Do you want a guy with a steadicam walking around? Do you want to have eight different cameras?

Sure, sure, sure. You need eight different guys holding those cameras. Certain things you have to pay for, no doubt. You're in a massive theater. But I do think sometimes you guys are... You can do it too. Trust me, trust me.

It breaks my heart when I see some guys who i know don't have 50 grand and they they're like they literally put their life on the line for it and it's like i think you could have found some fucking nyu interns you can't you can't there's no question you can do it at any cost but at the end of the day you are gonna end up paying for what you do yeah you get what you pay for exactly right, right? So it's like, I've done them all. I've done the most lo-fi version. I've done multiple cameras. I've done them for all different prices. The editing is going to be crazy.

Have you found, though, your lo-fi versus your hi-fi, whatever the terms are, is it worth that much more money? Would you say it's worth $400,000? Because I bet you it's not. I mean, you're funny, and that's what people,

and I know the sweeping shot matters and the HD matters. No, it doesn't. But that's what I'm,000? I can find it. Because I bet you it's not. I mean, you're funny, and that's what people – and I know the sweeping shot matters and the HD matters. No, it doesn't. But that's what I'm saying. I said no sweeping shot. Yeah, like that's where it's like – it's diminishing returns at some point. No, no, that's not what you're paying for.

And I don't know what the money is, but – Well, you have to – for me, like, I mean, this is inside baseball, so maybe people don't give a fuck about this. But, like, how you edit a stand-up special is very important. And how you shoot a stand-up special is very important. That I can a stand-up special is very that i can understand making you have to and you have to do it two ways now you have to do it so it can also live on social and it can live on clips short form long form exactly so it's like but how you i mean editing it is is crucial you really have to understand comedy i

think one of the reasons why comedy specials suck so much is that the audio editing people have no fucking clue how to recreate what the room is if you weren't in the room that night you have no clue how to recreate the crowd could be roaring and you hear nothing like there's nothing upsets me more than not even the audio but when there's a cut in an edit to someone not laughing oh what are you why is that for incentive right now i'm laughing now you make me feel dumb for laughing exactly and you i'll tell you what it is it's it's the people cutting it are just doing their job. And when we edited mine, I'll be honest with you, we did one minute a day. Yeah. Think about that.

That's wild. One minute, it's an hour. That's one minute a day. It would take us a day to go through. Some days maybe we got through two minutes, but three minutes. But some minutes it was one minute a day. That's finding, remember we shot four shows. So it's what is the best joke of each fucking show.

And then there's mash and put together seamlessly so you're not noticing these cuts. Making sure, remember we have 18 microphones throughout the room so we could recreate the feel. For me, if there's a disconnect between energy in and audience energy out, you always feel uncomfortable. So if the calm is even too much and they're not getting enough, you feel weird.

If the calm is giving nothing and it's getting too much, you feel weird. It's the calm is giving too much and they're not getting enough, you feel weird. If the calm is giving nothing and it's getting too much, you feel weird. It's like this is not matching. You have an ick. Your body knows there's something impure about what it's watching. Right, right.

So it's like finding a way. It's like a laugh track almost. Literally, literally. So you have to recreate the feel of that room because you're performing for that room. So your energy is matching that. The people at home have to feel that. Yeah.

So you have to be in there really making sure that you're recreating that for the listener. That I can understand. Because that's worth the money. That takes months. Money. Months and money. Because guess what? We tried to do a budget once.

Oh, yeah. The first time we ever did a live show, we were like, we're going to put it out after the show, like a podcast. And we got in the room. I mean, this is eight years ago, a long time ago. And we got the video back. And we didn't even know you were supposed to have microphones in the room. I mean, this is eight years ago, a long time ago. And we got the video back. And we didn't even know you were supposed to have microphones in the room. Yeah. So we were just working off this mic.

It sounds like you're bombing. We were like, yo, we killed for our first time. The room was rolling. We're going to put this out. And it was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. I was like, I'm quitting the podcast. I'm going to kill myself. Yeah, we're not funny.

And there are people who put their specials out like that I really think I think they like redid the audio for Cat Williams special because they didn't

it wasn't done right and they re-put it back on Netflix people are like it sounds like he's bombing I think so someone fact check me on that but I think that they did it

it is so crucial in comics a lot of times they'll just film it and then just put it out and it's like no no no you are

for me when I'm doing a special or if I'm filming something i'm doing it for the people at home right i'm doing it for that crowd but i'm keeping in mind the people at home yeah they have to be able to feel that so when i'm watching the special and i saw people watching it in this room and like pauses were getting laughs i'm like oh good that means they're pulled in. One of the greatest things about Chappelle is he comes through the screen. Love him or hate him. When he's talking to you, he's telling you a story, he's doing jokes. He doesn't stay here.

He comes through. He builds the tension outside of the screen. And that makes you feel like you're at the show. And all of a sudden, you're getting caught up in that tension. So when the release happens, it's a bigger laugh. You have to do that with the editing. You have to do that with the feeling and the vibe and the more jokes are worked out the more you know where those pauses are you more you know how to like stretch that tension like i can even see in the cellar like there's certain jokes

another seller in the special there's certain jokes that like i had fucking worked out perfectly and it's like oh i'm milking that that's good and then there are others that i'm like i need three more months yeah that was I need three more months and I would have nailed it yeah and I kept doing them afterwards I was like oh I found a little bit more silence there I could have had a little bit more beat there like I don't know for me that this special is like I after doing this one I'm like I need a brick yeah yeah you know what I mean like people hit me up they're like hey what's next No they say Would you be interested

In producing my special And I don't know How to say God no Nothing would make me Well that's You know what That's why I say

Like that's why Those prices come in Because if you said I'll do it for a million dollars Then that's the price Yeah How about this Do you think

Do you think there's anything As you were talking about that Because I've just been Watching porn on VR recently First time I put the goggles on And And watched some porn It was a trip man Adrian Chesky You think there's anything with, as you were talking about that, because I've just been watching porn on VR recently. First time I put the goggles on and watched some porn. It was a trip, man. Adriana Chachka was whispering in my ear.

No way. It was wild. But I was thinking, I don't know, maybe VR. I don't think I would want to put on goggles to watch a comedy special. There's a guy who did it. He did a VR one. I wonder if someone would pay. You're in the room. If your special was you pay for it and you get it at home,

but there's also this 3D element, that would be cool. But I would not want to put on goggles. I'll put on goggles to jerk off. I'm not putting on goggles to watch Daniel Stoltz. You're funny. You're not that good. It's not Adriana, man. It was wild.

There's an audio thing in the headset, so I didn't even have headphones in or whatever. And all of a sudden, she's like, and it's in my ear. And I was like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. See that was,

I was, when he was telling me about that, I'm trying to find something. So I have a very important question to ask you to in a second. Um, but when he was telling me about that, found it, um,

he, it was like, I was like, see, I, I, I treat porn and sex so differently that if it got that close to sex, I'd be like,

I'd rather go fuck somebody. This is too similar to sex. I'd rather like, I'd rather go fuck somebody. This is too similar to sex. I'd rather fuck Adriana Chachin, though, bro. I'd rather be looking at her than who's going to have sex with me. But here's for the most part, this went fairly viral,

so maybe you guys have seen it, but it's this TV show, the intro to this TV show that I'd never heard of before. It says, It's really wild to find a failed, forgotten TV show where everyone is now famous.

The last name is a shocker. So, I want you to. Okay. Is this last name, the last name that pops up, is it the most important name change in history? Get out of here. Billy Burr. Billy Burr. Imagine if he didn't change it to Bill.

Billy Burr. Billy Burr, the Red Rocks. Different name. Totally different length. The gamer at the Red Rocks. Different name. Totally different length. The game has changed. What was that called? Townies? And it was just all people in.

Gloucester, yeah. That's why we went by Massachusetts. Hey, it's Billy Burr. Dude, that's hilarious. I think the older guys call him Billy, though. Do they? Well, that's funny because when he does his nicknames, it's old Billy Redface. It's old Billy that.

So maybe there was a whole time where he was calling himself Billy. I think the OG is still calling him Billy. Yeah. That feels like something if I ever, you know, if I went up to him and said, hey, Billy, fucking, you don't call me Billy. What are you doing? I call myself Billy and like my buddy, you know. That is fucking hilarious.

He's fucking amazing. That is a different life if he's Billy. Last thing, you think Ricky Martin's fucking his nephew or what? I don't think so what I don't think so I don't think so either and I think that sucks I think that sucks that someone can just say that

and now you're the nephew fucker forever but yes because he got an order he got a restraining order but didn't go through the police to do it you could just go get a

I could get a restraining order on you tomorrow without any proof from whom from you go to like the courts or you go to like a domestic violence thing

and they'll just do it without any investigation first. So right now there is a restraining order, but he never went through any law enforcement. That kind of makes sense. Yeah, because they kind of got to be like. God forbid there's a girl who's getting beat by her husband. And it's like we got to do this whole investigation and shit. But for right now, just stay 100 feet away and nobody's, you know, no one doesn't hurt anybody. But one newspaper is reporting it.

It's in Puerto Rico. And he came out and said there's no truth to it. But he lawyered up with the biggest lawyer, the Bill Cosby lawyer, the Prince Andrew lawyer. Oh, don't do the guilty lawyer. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's not good. But also, that's not fair. Like, if someone is about to come after me, I want to get the best lawyer.

But when you get the best lawyer, I go, you did that shit. Because if someone said, I'm fucking my nephew, I would just go, no, I want to get the best lawyer. But when you get the best lawyer, I go, you did that shit. Because if someone said I'm fucking my nephew, I would just go, no, I'm not. I'd make a video being like, no, I'm fucking not. This dude is drunk. This dude is crazy. I wouldn't be like, speak to my lawyer. He's also the guy representing the rapists. So I don't know

if he did it, but also his reaction I don't think was the best one in history. How do you get to become the famous lawyer when you're the guilty lawyer? Like those two guys you just named are guilty. Bill Cosby's walking around free right now, brother. But he went to jail. He was found guilty, right? He went to jail on a technicality or whatever.

Oh, he went to jail on a technicality? I thought he got off on a technicality. Well, he got off on a technicality, but he – Yeah, no, you're right. He did get convicted. Well, that one was also late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what?

No, he got convicted on a technicality. That's why he's off. That's what it is? Yeah, because basically they used testimony from someone that they shouldn't have been able to use it. And I think that lawyer might have been the one who was like, my man, you know, like. All right, maybe that was a good lawyer choice then. By the way, he's also represented Kim K and like other people, not just rapists. That's where the money is, though.

But that's a tricky – what a weird profession. I don't want to be – I know, defending – I like defending them comedically. Yeah. But like with actual real life repercussions. People say, you know, I'm making sure the prosecutor does his job. And it's like, no, bro.

No, that's their little get-out. You're trying to get rapists and murderers off. Yeah, yeah. For a big amount of money. For tons of money. I believe in the judicial system. Yeah. Fuck you, dude.

Just so you know, Sam Adams defended the guys with the first shots of the bosses. Yeah, he sucked my dick, too. Because he believed in the Constitution. Fuck that. Bullshit. There was... No, never mind. I forgot what I was going to say.

Fuck, I had something earlier. No, we were good. We did it anyway. Fellas, thank you, man. Yeah, so the special is on theandrewschultz.com? Yeah, theandrewschultz.com. I don't know when this is coming out. When is is coming out

Tomorrow Tomorrow okay awesome Thursday Thursday Yeah so it'll be up For another I guess Week and a half Alright beautiful man

Thank you bro Thank you guys for the support Love you guys Love you too brother សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.