KFC Radio - Andrew Shulz

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

Andrew Shulz stopped by to talk with KFC and Feits about kickboxing, Game of Thrones, how Trump might be Thanos, Bang Bus, Casting Couch, spitting in mouths, how Ted Bundy ran game, why Sweden is a great place to get arrested, the state of comedy today and how he plans to change itYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What is this Target video? I don't know. I mean, no, it's like you put it on Instagram. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was moonwalking around the floor at Target. I mean, you look very much moonwalked.

Yeah, I can moonwalk if the floor's right. That's why I did it. The floor was, like, so, so slippery, and I had ultra-succes. This is a straight- much moonwalked. Yeah. I can moonwalk if the floor's right. That's why I did it. The floor was like so, so slippery and I had ultra-suck. This is a straight-up moonwalk. I can moonwalk, bro. This is crazy. This is a straight-up moonwalk. Anyway.

Yeah. It's KFC Radio. Yeah, it's KFC Radio presented by's KFC Radio Presented By Postmates What up Yeah buddy I made a bagel Got delivered by Postmates Mother of all time

It did It did We get our bagels Delivered by Postmates Every fucking day Last night Well wait First I gotta tell ya

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That makes me think it's Stussy. Okay. But that's interesting. We all know how to draw that S, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. We don't know how to say it, though. Don't know how to say it.

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GoatApp.com slash KFC. This is the greatest show. We light it up, we won't come down. And the circus don't want to know what's it going to do. This is the greatest show. We light it up, we won't come down. And the sun can't stop us now. Watching it come true. We're taking over you. Oh, this is the greatest show.

Yeah, buddy. Monster episode today. Special type episode. Who's on today? Andrew Schultz. So much like the Theo Vaughn episode. Much like the Theo Vaughn episode, sometimes we get a guest in here who just joins in, becomes a third co-host, and it takes on a life of its own.

I mean, people come in here, they do like a 15-minute interview, they do like a 20-minute set, and they're out of here. Schultz stuck around for like an hour and a half. We chopped it up. Honestly, God, he stuck around too long. We gotta stop eventually, right? I was an hour late for radio. That's right. You're like, yeah, I'll do that and I'll pop in.

It was like 5 o'clock by the time. I was an hour late for a two hour show. We could have gone on forever. He is a very funny dude and a very interesting mind. If you are into the world of podcasting

and comedy and the internet and all that, he's got some thoughts, he's got some opinions. Very smart cat. We're going to chit-chat a little bit here. Me and my guy fights, but for the most part, this is the Andrew Schultz episode, just like it was the Theo Vaughn episode.

So we're really finding our niche here as a spot for all the best comedians to come through and just be absolute idiots with us. Yep, yep, nope, yep. First, though, before we do Andrew Schultz, Fights has a story that is just maybe one of my all-time favorites. It's the best story that's ever happened. It's delivered by Postmates. So we were just saying how all of our bagels are always delivered.

Last night, let me tell you my Postmates order. I got this delivered at 10 o'clock last night. One gallon of whole milk. One box of Lucky Charms cereal. I was going to say. One bottle of Ajax dish soap, lemon, and one package of Charmin Ultra Soft double rolls. That's an order. That's an order.

That's Postmates for you. It's just like, what do you need in life? We will bring it to you. Most people get their meals delivered. I get my toilet paper delivered. Yeah, no, you were like, I'm going to drink a lot of dairy, and then I'm going to poop, and I'm going to wash my hands after. Beginning, middle, and end.

Postmates will take care of all of it for you. And right now, you can get it all delivered to your house for free, the delivery charge for free, when you use the promo code KFC. Download the app when you check out. KFC will get you $100 off your delivery charges for the next seven days. So sign up. Get $100 free this week. You get everything delivered to you within an hour.

They have 25,000 merchants available. Everyone from bars and restaurants to liquor stores to the CVS where you can get all your groceries and toiletries delivered. Anything you need, Postmates will bring it to you. They're the most important people in my life right now. It's like my kids, Postmates, then John. Top three. And so what you really could do for me, John, is become a Postmate. And then it's two birds, one stone.

No, I don't have an interesting enough name. That, is become a Postmate. And then it's two birds, one stone. No, I don't have an interesting enough name. That is true. Your Postmate John is on the way. I'd be like, canceled. I need a new guy. I need my Postmate Nikita is on the way. Send Esteban.

Download the app. Promo code KFC. $100 off your next week of delivery charges. John, tell the world what happened. I don't even know how to start this. So I got a text from John this morning. A text or a call? It was a text followed up by a call. I had to call him.

I was like. We got to discuss this. I don't know if you portrayed enough emotion from that text. We need to talk about this real quick. John's lady friend was here this weekend. By the way, listen to our podcast. People are like, you don't have a girlfriend. What are you talking about?

On Twitter, people are like, you have a girlfriend? Yeah, listen to my fucking podcast, bro. I've talked about it on the podcast before. Clearly, nice to know who supports the show and who doesn't. Yeah, you fucking dickhead. I also love people being like, you don't have a girlfriend. Well, I would know. People are telling me it's fake. They're like, you made that up.

I wish. I wish I could make that up. I wish I didn't have a girlfriend. I don't know. What are you talking about? How could I possibly make that up? The only person who's crazy enough to do that stuff is Francis. Francis, I'm always like, is this real or not?

I don't know. I mean, I just, we've talked about this before. I think life is way funnier than anything you can make up. But anyway, so what happened was she had, I think, a 6 a.m. flight. Woke me up to say goodbye. Not necessary. Girl. Girl.

Come on. Woke me up at 4.30. Especially when you're, like, together. Yeah. I don't know. If it's, like, the last time you're ever going to see somebody or something, maybe. But otherwise, I'll just talk to you after your flight. 4.30. Bye. Great. Yeah. I don't know. If it's like the last time you're ever going to see somebody or something, maybe. But otherwise, I'll just talk to you after your flight. 4.30.

Bye. Great. Later. Yeah. But she then texted me probably around 7.30, something like that. Still at the airport. She said the flight had been delayed because the systems, the computer systems are down. I don't know what the fuck that means.

Most people don't, but one person did know what that meant. Some dude leans over to her. She's sitting in the terminal. This dude leans over to her and says, that's what happened on 9-11 too, just so you know. The just so you know. Remember the worst day in American history? Just so you know this is what happens

just a little FYI like just a little you know to keep you apprised of the situation the worst

catastrophic plane event ever this was the precursor to it I don't even think he's right like I do not think

the systems were down I think 9-11 was a very normal day until planes crashed into the World Trade Center if anything that would have probably like saved the situation like this is funky right I think 9-11 was a very normal day until planes crashed into the World Trade Center. If anything, that would have probably saved the situation.

This is funky. Right. I think 9-11 was a perfectly normal day. Which almost makes it worse. What's crazier? To be so socially inept and unaware to think that you should just inform this sweet little girl next to you that, hey, maybe we're going to die in a terrorist attack again. Or to be like, I'm going to make that up.

It's not what happened, but I'm going to tell her it is what happened. I mean, it's definitely not what happened. No. There's no way the systems were down on that level. That's just not true. Muhammad Atta would have been like, fuck. Shit. Shit, what do we do?

Yo, and if you know your girl, she is tiny, she's cute, she's so nice, she was probably like, what was that? Like trying to make conversation and be nice. I would have just loved to watch her face just like drop. What the fuck? I mean, that might be. Just so you know. I'm going to start saying just so you know.

Just so you know. Just so you know. Just so you know. I texted it to you and I forgot that part. Just so you know is, I mean, it's the most outrageous phrase I've ever heard in my life. Because that's where you're saying, it's like condescending in a way. You know what I mean? It's like, I have the knowledge that this led to a 9-11 catastrophe, and I'm letting you know it.

Just for you. Just so you know. Just so you have the knowledge. You know how we're about to get on a plane? Last time this happened, it crashed into a building. Just so you know. You know? And it's so socially fucking awkward.

It's the most amazing thing. It's so awesome I want to quit my job. Does that make sense? Like, it's such most amazing thing I I I It's so awesome I want to quit my job Does that make sense? Like it's such an amazing thing The best part was So So John tells me this

And I was like Oh damn What did your girl like Like what was her reaction Or like did she get nervous Did she get upset Did she laugh What was it

And he Said all he did was like Tell her like Oh I'm telling the story On the podcast Yeah I called her That's my only concern I'm telling the story on the podcast. Yeah, I called her. That's my only concern is that I'm using this video. I called her right away, and I didn't ask, like, are you okay?

Because, you know, a girl. Just so you know, I'm taking that, and I'm going to talk about it. There's every chance. For the rest of my life, I'm going to talk about that. That's my new cocktail party story. Yeah, just so you know, I'm taking that story. Yo, I almost want to make, like, a stand-up. Like, when we go on the road, it should be called like Just So You Know.

That would be, if I had the capability and the time and just the talent to become a full-length stand-up comedian, that would be my, you might be a redneck if. Yeah. I would just say a bunch of things and all of them would, Just So You Know. Over and over and over again. Because there's every chance, though, that a girl would be, like, crying. You know what I mean? That could be an equally funny story where your girlfriend is like,

somebody said that this happened on 9-11 and you're the guy who has to talk her down off the ledge. A lot of girls would probably react that way. You didn't even consider that that might be something you have to worry about. I'm just telling the story on the podcast. I'm a slave to the content. I was like, I need that story.

The game is the game, girl. Just so you know. Hopefully your plane doesn't hit a building. If it does, I'll be on the podcast telling the story. I'm sorry you're going to be late for work, but just so you know, I'm taking that story. Just so you know. All right. It's time for Andrew Schultz.

One of our best interviews ever, no joke. Brought to you by Felix Gray. You probably don't realize it, but I mean, I definitely realize it. I'm staring at my screen upwards of 18 hours a day. I woke up a couple times last night. Shay woke me up a couple times. Both times, I just grabbed my phone, like went on a little Twitter binge. You know, it's like just totally unnecessary.

Could just go back to sleep. Nope. Open it up in a dark room. My iPhone burning into my eyeballs. So it's not even just 18 hours a day. It's basically like 24 hours a day. At all times, my eyes might be burning up

from looking at a screen. That's why you got to get yourself a pair of Felix gray glasses. I'm going to keep them on my bedside. And then when I do wake up, because I'm addicted to Twitter, I can see you looking really handsome in glasses. Well, thank to keep them on my bedside. And then when I do wake up, because I'm addicted to Twitter, I can pop my glasses on. Really handsome in glasses.

Well, thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Okay, I'm going to definitely start wearing them now. I hope you're right. Felix Gray, they're available with or without prescription. And they will filter out the blue light and they'll help you save yourself from dry eyes, blurry vision, and headaches.

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Don't go another day looking at screens without the help of Felix Gray. Andrew Schultz, let's talk to him. I need to know how loud I'm being. Really? I don't know. I'm not sure, to be honest. I just put them on. I just always do.

It's too clear for me when I hear them. I feel weird hearing myself in it. What's going on here? Fuck my shoulder up, man. Throw too many pitches last night? No, dude. I started kickboxing. I used to box when I was younger,

and I was like, I need something outside the career to get better at, but that doesn't have stakes. Do you know what I mean? Kickboxing's got stakes, I think. Yeah, yeah. Stakes, but like...

The ultimate thing. Yeah, yeah. But stakes in terms of, I don't need to be good at this for my livelihood Right Just for fun Just for me

You know Right And But I'm fucking old man I'm 35 It's like You gotta hang it up dude Bro I think I might

Dude We got a We got an amateur boxing Confederation here I know Rough and round I love it I love what you guys are doing

I mean Smitty busted up his shoulder And needed surgery Are we on right now Yeah Smitty busted up his shoulder and needed surgery. Are we on right now? Yeah. Smitty busted up. Oh, yeah. Hi, everybody.

Andrew Schultz is here. No foreplay in this episode. Right in. We roll right the fuck into it. Raw dog over here. Andrew Schultz is here. Just like, I mean, you're booming right now, man. Power of the internet and power of funny is on display with your career.

I feel like things are really opening up. I've been hearing your name from everybody else that we have come through. Wenshaw's coming in. Wenshaw's coming in. Oh, shit.

All the fans asking for it. What's up? I texted him. I got his number from Soder, maybe, and we were chatting. I was like, yeah, come through.

We'll get another New York City Jew in here. He's like, plot twist, Schultz, not a Jew. I was like, this guy's Feidelberg Not a Jew

Not a Jew Hey nobody's perfect guys The first thing I said Was 10 years ago He was like Can I come on board I said yes But

And at this point I was the only Gentile At Barstool Really A couple Jewish guys Who were running the show Not the only one But one of the few

Is this the Goyim room Right here Is this where Is this the Goyum room right here? Is this where they put us? We have to have a conversation with the Southern Poverty Law Center about Barstool's practices? I told them, though, I was like, listen, it's part of the joke. You're going to have to go by your real last name because I've got to have this. At this time, no one had used their last name.

Barstool was very underground. Right, right, right. So have this. At this time, no one had used their last name. We all used pseudonyms. Barstool was very underground. Right, right, right. So my mom was like, so you're just going in with your name, huh? She knew what the website was. You're just going to do all that shit with your name in front of it, huh? I was like, that's the only way I can get a job. Feidelberg.

Feidelberg. Feidelberg. But Fights. Yeah, exactly. Fights is for short. Good nickname. It's a confusing nickname as well because growing up it was fights. I didn't really fight much growing up.

So I was like the badass kid on the playground without ever having to throw a punch. See, that's perfect. Reputation. That's all that matters, man. Perception is reality. Anyway, I don't even know where we were. But the kickboxing shit is interesting because I feel like you listen to Rogan and he's always fighting. Shaw, we listen to a lot.

You guys start fighting or something? I've been thinking about it because it's the only way I think I would go to the gym regularly is, first of all, if it costs so much fucking money. Yes. Combat training is expensive as a bitch. Although Equinox isn't exactly cheap and I haven't been there in six months. You're in debt like five grand to Equinox. I think it's two grand. I changed my card. He is a Feidelberg.

I changed my card out, but I never told them, so they've been trying to bill me. Every month I just get an email. You're billing to go through. I'm like, well, that's six bucks now, 200 bucks a pop. This guy was mad that his bonus hit because he was like, now I have enough money to pay back the gym. Fuck. He's like, now I'm enough money to pay back the gym. Fuck. He's like, now I'm going to pay them and maybe I have to start going again.

Only guy in the world to be mad about the bonus hitting the direct deposit. Get in there, man. Fight. It's the best exercise. You can fight. I can't fight. I mean, it's going to be a long fucking road for me to do some combat training. You don't realize it until you get in there.

You start throwing some punches. Look, when you spar, it's a different game. It's very humbling. Yeah. Because by the time you get ready to spar, you actually think you're nice. And then you get in there, and it's a whole different world. Well, it's Mike Tyson. Everyone's got to play until they get punched in the face.

Right. And that even happens in sparring, I would imagine. Right. But it is just a great reality check for life. Oh, he's going. It's too hot. He's going. No headphones.

This place is very fucking hot it's it is uh it's an important thing and also it's easy to like exercise it's something that like you know helps you beat people up like that's fun i mean learning how to kick shit and fucking punch things i've said it all the time i'm i'm a lover not a fighter type of guy yeah but i would love to know i walk in a bar I walk in a party I walk in anywhere and it's like I could beat up all of you or I could at least

hold my own with everybody so if shit does go down I can hold my own if we're busting balls and we're talking shit I'm not going to be nervous I'm not looking to fight but knowing that you can fight

adds an element of confidence to your level to your team it's why we have the second amendment right because people wanted that feeling

it's like I want a gun, bro. Liz, I grew up in New York. There's been no guns around, but like, I love the idea of a gun. I don't know if you guys are anti-gun or something. I'm not anti-gun. I've held a gun one time, and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. Yeah, because you want to shoot everybody. That's why I was

terrified. Be honest. I was like, holy shit, this is heavy. Take it back. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. The feeling was heavy that you know you could kill everybody with that shit. It is power, bro. Your Thanos. No, it was nerves. Snap. It was nerves.

I was like, I could kill everybody with this shit. And it was like- You ever been on top of a building and you're like, I could just jump off if I wanted? Yeah. It's that. That one I know. I know that's the fucking feeling with the gun. And you're like, okay, I'm not going to do it.

But just knowing it's in your pocket, man. Just like. The, the, when I'm holding it sideways like a big fucking gangster. Yeah, that's it. You know what it's like? It's like wearing like, it's like jumping into a pool with like swim trunks when you know that you're hung. And you're like, what's the worst that happens?

This thing comes off. You know what I mean? Like, well, fuck. I mean, I don't know that feeling. Me neither. I can imagine. I thought it was more like when,

like, I was thinking like a superhero movie when Spider-Man wakes up and looks in the mirror and he's like, what the fuck is wrong with me? That's what I was like,

I don't know what to do with this. Too much power. Too much responsibility. This is the power that I shouldn't have right now. You take it. See, that's the self-awareness kicking in. Like,

I'm too much of an idiot to have any sort of power like this. Take it away from me. Where are you from? I'm from outside Boston. Outside Boston. And you?

I'm a New York guy. New York. Oh, that's right. You're from the Bronx. Somebody told me that. I think Francis told me that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it's a different,

I don't know, it's a different scenario once you get robbed. Like, have you ever been robbed? Yeah. I was taking a shit while it happened, though, so I didn't really...

Like, did they come up to you and, like, use? No, no, no. They just came to my house, and I heard them kicking the door to my house, and I was taking a shit. And I popped up and looked out the bathroom door and just saw dudes, and I was like, man, we'll just close that. Just finish. Just finish. Yeah, yeah.

Just take a shit. Like Pulp Fiction. You were Travolta. Yeah. I just stayed set. I stayed ready in my magazines before, like, phones. I had, like, a little flip phone. I was like, I'm going to keep flipping through this, let these guys finish their business out there.

I mean, that's also when you're broke. It's like, what are you going to find out there, dude? I don't know. Yeah, they took my TV and my Dell laptop. Yeah. Have it. Dude, you're getting Dell. I got robbed.

I was at Fordham. I went to Fordham for school. So I was out on 189th Street. And it was right around Christmas. Some little, it was like a teenage kid ran up on us. Yeah. He had like a little gun and he stuck it in my neck. Whoa.

And he got like $7 from me, you know. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, that's a real deal. That's a real feeling, yeah. Gun to your neck, huh? Yeah. Fuck. And I was with my buddy who like, like I said, I'm not a tough guy.

So I was just like, listen, bro, you can have whatever you want. But I was with my friend who's like 89 and 0 in bar fights. Like he's the toughest guy I know And he was like Nope Gun's a different game We called this guy Mad Dog

Was his nickname And we're walking home Afterwards And I'm like Where was Mad Dog On that one dude Come on Dude you had a gun

I get it Gun to your throat I had a knife once I was in Spain And I was I was taking a piss It was like late at night And I was taking a piss. It was late at night. And I was taking a piss.

And me and my buddy were right next to each other. And these kids came up, and they were punching the dumpster we were kind of behind. And yelling in Spanish. We were high school Spanish students. We didn't really have a fluent language ability. And I'm like, I don't know what these guys are yelling at, but they seem pretty fucking pissed right now. I don't know what – and, I mean, you're pissing. I can't – what are you going to do, man?

Like, I'm in the middle of something. You're at your most vulnerable. I can't turn around and acknowledge you. I can tell you're angry. I'm going to have to finish this first before we talk. And they were – I honestly don't know what they were saying. But I'm going to guess they were mad we were disrespecting their whatever and their city.

I don't know who the fuck gets mad someone pisses in their city? Yeah. But it all ended actually very amicably. We sat down and just ate donuts on the side of the street. All together.

All together, yeah. That's beautiful. Couldn't even speak to each other. It was just all conveyed through like body language. Like, look, my bad, man. I was pissing by a dumpster.

I figured that was fine here. It's totally okay in America. You guys see swingers when they end up playing the NHL? What's it, 99 or something like that? 94. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just passing it back. It wasn't an Edmunds, but it was an Edmunds-type box. Just passing it down the road. Some things are international, man. I used to live in Spain, right, in Barcelona. You were in Salamanca for that. Salamanca. So there's a cool rule out there.

They don't have violent crime. They have just take-your-wall your wallet type shit, like petty crime. And the rule is if you catch them, they just go, all right. Call it even. Yeah, that's it. So a guy was robbing me, and I got him. And he kind of has my wallet in his hand, but I have his hand in his wrist. And then he just goes,

all right, you got me. It's like steal the bacon. Literally, right? But he was proud of me in a way. He was like, no, I'm going to get you next time, but for this one, you definitely got me. He recognized game. We went on separate rates.

It was like the most beautiful robbery that didn't happen. That's civilized right there. I think that's totally fair. Honor amongst thieves, man. That's it. If you can get me, if you can pickpocket me, fair. Yeah, I'm a sucker. If you rob a bank and you can get away with it, they got to let you slide on that. You planned that shit out.

That's some inside man shit. Good job. Do people rob banks still? Is that still a- That's one of the questions we ask on Answer the Internet. Is it really? If you robbed a bank, let's say you get out of the bank somehow. You're in your getaway car.

How long could you last on the run as a fugitive? How long could I last? Meaning? Let's say you get outside the city or something. Everybody knows who I am. Yeah, well, yeah. Let's, you know, you... What did we say?

You have a mask on or not? Let's say your face is out there somehow. Right. So, you know, you're Harrison Ford of the fugitive. You're changing your hair. You're shaving your beard. And now it's time to just live underground. Your credit cards are going to pop up the whole night.

How long could you live? Because it depends on how many friends you got and how many favors you call in. Well, you can't call anybody, right? Because they're tapping all your friends' phones. Yeah, unless – You got the money, though. You got cash. You're riding around with cash.

I think I get away with that Just for good I did not get away with that Like you're gone You're in the wind Yeah But Whitey was the feds Yes

That's why he got away with it Right Yeah yeah Some DB Cooper shit Like you're just gone What's DB Cooper He's the guy who like He like

What he hijacked the plane And he He jumped out He jumped out of a plane Like he had a parachute And like was gone. And I've been writing notes ever since to the police, like, you're never going to catch me. Really?

Yeah. I'll show you. I bet you've seen his composite. It's kind of like the Unabomber 1 type shit. Exactly, yeah. But yeah, this guy, he robbed a bank, hijacked a plane. As the plane was flying, he jumped out in a parachute and got away with it the i actually saw there was a red mma recently about a guy who was a bank robber and he's like i'm a bank robber i just got out of

jail for my first time ever asked me anything and a lot of the questions were like like how do you do it and he's like honestly it's very easy he's like i robbed hundreds of banks so you just walk in he's like if you try and do itwise, where you break the safe and all that, if you walk in, go to one teller, it's like, give me all the money in your till and get out. He's like, I just parked a car, walked in, said that, fell off. And that was it. Because they've got to give you the money. Right.

That's the rule. Don't be a hero. Just go. So yeah, you might get smaller amounts, but you do it 100 times. Yeah, that was it. He's. So yeah, you might get smaller amounts, but you do it 100 times. Yeah, that was it. It's like, yeah, I did it. He's like, I got caught once. I was in jail for like five years, and my family thought I had a real job.

I just go out during the day robbing banks, come home. Your wife will be cooking dinner. That sounds like a fucking, first of all, an awesome life, second of all, an awesome TV show or movie. Right? I mean, this is freaking bad shit. I mean, it kind of is the movie The Old Man and the Gun. Oh, yeah? The new one that just came out with Robert Redford. It's kind of is The old man with the gun Oh yeah The new one That just came out

With Robert Redford It's kind of comparable to that I didn't see that shit But yeah Redford's cool My boy got arrested When we were on tour In Sweden

And he was in prison For a month out there Oh And yeah It was kind of wild Yeah But like The best place

To get locked up Yeah Have you seen where that guy What's his name The shooter That was in Sweden Yeah He lived in like a fucking palace.

Same shit. Yeah, same thing. It was gorgeous. But he said he was in there with guys who just would rob armored cars. That was what they did. And like that was their career. And you get like a year in prison. But they don't ask for the money back.

So it's like you clear 80 euros or whatever that shit is, right? And then you do nine months. And then you just go find another car. And it's nice. clear 80 euros or whatever that shit is right and then you do 9 months and then you just go find another car it's just and it's nice the jail time's cool your family gets the money

it's no different than a guy who like yeah like you know those people who like go out on the sea to get crabs or whatever I don't know how many months

that takes but it's probably yeah deadliest catch it's like that's probably 9 months you know what I mean or like Bruce Willis 150 grand

yes right so it's like I keep thinking about Armdon, you know when they're like getting the oil out of the ocean? That's nine months or something like that. So it's like, what a great way to make a living, you know? And the guy was like, my buddy would be like, so what are you going to do when you get out of here? He's like, I'm going to continue with my job.

I'm going to get back to work. That's just it. I'm going to rob a home record. It's only nine months. They don't believe in punishing people out here. You take advantage of the system. Yeah. They don't play games. I kind of want to. I was going to say a home record. It's only nine months. They don't believe in punishing people out here. You take advantage of the system. Yeah. They don't play games.

I kind of want to fuck this podcast. I was going to say, fuck the podcast. Right? We're in the wrong business. That's how I felt when I was in college and I saw Bang Bust. Do you guys remember that series? Oh, no. I forgot about that.

I didn't know it was fake. I forgot about it. What is that? Tell me. Bro, it's so... Dude, when you really look into the porn you watch, you like see how fucking twisted you are. You know what I mean? Like if you really like, like Bang Bus, I just love the idea.

Literally, I almost dropped out of college. I was like, I almost called my father. I was like, listen, we could save money if we just buy a bus. You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck are we doing in college? But that's it. Some broad that's on our team. You know what I mean?

It wasn't that one chick that would try to convince him. It's fine. It was three-card Monty with Dick. You know how there was always one insider and the three-card Monty on the street? So I was into the bank bust, and I found out that that shit was fake. And then I got into this backroom casting couch. You know Rick? Wait, do you watch?

It's the best. Casting couch? Yes. But there's a specific guy. His name is Rick. The guy with the scar on his arm? Yes! Fuck yes!

Fucking elbow surgery Rick right there, bro. My man had Tommy John or something, dude. Tommy John. Bro, dude, I could draw Rick's cock, bro. I could draw the veins of the short. And that's why it's good. I know. It's very realistic.

Because sometimes the girls give him realistic reactions. Like, it's just silent. You're like, ooh, you're authentic, bitch. You are authentic with your fucking reactions. Bro. I have go-tos. I'm not even a porn guy. I barely whack off.

But Rick, backroom cash, the things that he says, I like the negotiation. It's not even about the fuck. I put on my tombstone, bend over, and spread your cheeks. Spread over, spread your cheeks. Put $1,000 to $5,000 a day and bend over, spread your cheeks on my tombstone. We're going to start by you sucking my dick. And the girl's always like, oh, I thought we were just taking pictures. Exactly.

I need to see how you are with on-air talent. Right now, I'm the only talent that's around. Coincidence, Rick! What a thing! No, this is my favorite. I can't just hire a pretty face. Judging by these women, you wouldn't be, okay? They are regular-looking-ass chicks.

You know they go to Arizona State. Always. Always Arizona State. It is real women. That's what it feels like. regular looking ass chicks. You know they go to Arizona State. Always. Always Arizona State. It is real women. That's what it feels like. Now, you know they're getting paid, but some of them can kind of act. You know what I mean?

Not too much. They're not overdoing it. It's not overdoing it. I don't need you to overdo it. Right. You overdo it. You ruin it. You fucking ruin it.

Because I want to believe it's real. I feel like the loser at the playground right now. You've never seen this. No, no, no. I know what it is. It's just that that's not my go-to. Casting captions is my go-to. I know Rick. I know the scar. I know all that stuff. It's just that that's not my go-to. Casting couch is my go-to. I know Rick.

I know the scar. I know all that stuff. I know the bit of your spreader cheeks. I just don't have the same passion that you have. You want to know my favorite part besides the negotiation? This is fucking dark. Ready? I like it when they're on top, right?

Because they're fucking themselves. You know what I mean? If they're on top and he's not even thrusting, he's just sitting there and she's like throwing her life away. But it's like she's just fucking herself and she doesn't even know it, dude. It's like if the guy's pumping away at you, it's like you're just a vessel. Right. But you're actively helping fuck your life. It's insane. I was just watching like, what?

Every thrust of yours, it just drops. A little bit. Like in a video game, your life going down 90%, 80%, 60%. The Street Fighter bar. It's like an NBA gym. You lost your turbo. By the end, you got your slowest shit. Bro, it's so bad Oh god

Recently I got a I was gifted it I didn't make the jump To paying for porn But I have a Pornhub premium account And I gave him the password And I gave another guy

Out there who is just A deviant Savage I mean he is He is addicted To porn He's the horniest guy I know

Who is it Can you say it He's in YP He films like the horniest guy I know. Who is it? Can you say it? He's YP. He films the reality TV show type shit that we do around here. I mean, the guy makes porn sports analogies. He's the greatest on the planet. Like, last time we had him in here, he was comparing, was it, Tory Black to Allen Iverson?

No, it wasn't Tory Black because Tory Black holds up, but it was when you get the older porn stars in 4K, right? He said it's like how you kind of reevaluate athletes with new analytics. When you look at old athletes through the new lens, the way that porn stars on HD look like. Alex plus minus was really slush.

This guy took a lot of long twos. That's a bad shot selection. So the three of us are on one account, and it has a lot of recently watched and recommended for you. So you see what they're up to. So you see where three guys are getting in the mix, and we're all creeps. So yeah, I'm like, did I watch that, or did he?

He's like, oh, that guy's into some shit. So the algorithm's broken. Pornhub's recommending shit. The PG version of this is when you and your girlfriend share Netflix, and you start seeing suggested movies with a strong female lead. Never in my life have I ever desired watching a movie with a strong female lead. Matter of fact, that could be the description of what I don't want to do for two hours. Ever. Ever.

Wonder Woman. No. No. I watched Wonder Woman because of the all the hoopla surrounding it. Terrible. Not that good at all. It was just a bad movie.

It was just that it was a girl. And I do love talking about that movie though because like Wonder Woman super power you know what it is? She's hot. No.

No. She has the lasso of truth. Ah. And they rope you up in this gold rope and you just have to tell the truth. And the whole time

I'd be like I want to fuck the shit out of you. That's the most female superpower ever. Like, someone's sitting down to draw a comic book, and they're like, what does a woman desire more than absolutely anything? Like, guys love flying and blowing shit up. Yeah, yeah. Like, this woman, she just wants you to be honest with her. Yeah.

That's all it is. To tell her the truth. That's all it is. But the fucked up thing is, like, there's no point in female superheroes. That's what I don't get. Why is that? It's just, they don her the truth. That's all it is. But the fucked up thing is like there's no point in female superheroes. That's what I don't get. Why is that? It's just they don't make sense. How come?

Like why? Why would you have them? Like the idea of a – like it's so dumb. Like the idea of a superhero, right, is like it's a nerd. Like Peter Parker is a nerd, right, who like goes through life and it's really difficult for him. And then something happens to him that gives him these extraordinary abilities, right? And he knows how to use them because he comes from the position of being helpless, right? That's why Superman sucks because he's not – he doesn't have a Peter Parker, right?

He's just awesome all the time. He's just awesome all the time. That's why we love him. It's like regular person doing extraordinary shit, right? That's America's code, if you will, right? We like regular people, extraordinary shit, right? Every female superhero is super hot. You're already a superhero. is code, if you will. We like regular people, extraordinary shit. Every female superhero is super hot. You're already

a superhero. Exactly. You can move shit. You don't have to move the door with your mind, but a guy will open the door for you, walk in. There's nothing you can't access. Gal Gadot without the lasso of truth can get anything she wants

in a real world. Her superpower is that ass. It's being hot. without the lasso of truth can get anything she wants in a real world. Right? Her superpower is that ass. It's being hot. Yeah. It's being smoking hot. That's your superpower.

So it's like the idea that you need extra power is just dumb. But I mean like Superman's hot. Like Clark Kent's hot. Yeah, but he nobody likes Superman. Like when we think of

our favorite superheroes What about Batman? Batman's like Bruce Wayne's hot. Batman's just rich. Like that's the other thing about Batman is like, well, Bruce Wayne's hot. Batman's just rich. Like, that's the other thing about Batman. It's like, he doesn't have superpowers. He's just, yeah, he's just rich.

He's just Elon Musk. Right? It's no different. Like, Batman's not doing anything crazy. No, Batman, I mean, Batman would get his ass kicked by any superhero. He does. Yeah. Right?

But he's rich, so he just figures out a way. Yeah, I guess that's true, though. Like, the Hulk is like a nerdy scientist, and then he hulks up. Thor. Thor is pretty fucking, fucking awesome, straight through. Thor is dope, but it's just not like you don't want to be Thor. You know what I mean? Thor is good because they make him funny, but if you notice, Thor only works outside of our world.

Right? Yeah. You need to put him in a place where his abilities are matched by other aliens. Once you put him with us, it's just like, okay, just mash it up with a hammer and then the movie's over. Yeah. Right? That's why DC's dumb, right? It's because you really have incompetent people there because they just made the same superhero over and over again.

Right? It's Superman, Lady Superman, Water Superman. Right? Right? Fast Superman. Like, how stupid are these people that they're just replicating the same thing? Could you imagine if you were, like, a producer in the DC world right now? I mean, whatever Marvel puts out is making a billion dollars.

Easy. And DC puts out shit and nobody watches it. It's like, how are you fucking up comic books in this era? I haven't seen fucking, and I have no desire to see. Suicide Squad? No, I saw that. That was terrible. That was bad, yeah. Aquaman. Aquaman. I haven't seen that, and I have no desire to see. Suicide Squad? No, I saw that. That was terrible. That was bad, yeah.

The Aquaman. I haven't seen that. I heard that one was a little better. That one's kind of coming in. But I'll say this too. I'm kind of getting sick of Marvel. I am too. I mean, I think a lot of it.

I'm happy to, I want to watch the Endgame. We're going to watch Endgame. We put too much time in. We're pot committed at this point. But I feel like, all right, we've had like a two decade run

of this shit now. Can we start to make a different movie? And they're going to need a breath after. They're going to need a breath after and I think they to need a breath after, and I think they will. But the thing with Marvel, which is so smart, is they make their villains relatable. I'm team Thanos, bro. Yo, son, because Thanos actually is pragmatic. He makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, it's too many. So, bye. He's not breaking it up based on money. He's not just letting the rich people survive. No, it's arbitrary. Completely honest. You gotta go. Makes a lot of good arguments in the movie.

That's it. That's why the natural disaster shit sucks because it usually affects poor people. Well, except like hurricanes. I guess that's beachfront property. I mean, you see those earthquakes in like Haiti or the tsunami in Indonesia. It's wiping out 200,000 poor people. Exactly. It's fucked up. It's fucked up.

That's fucked up. But if it was a natural disaster, if it was just lightning came down and just randomly took half the people out. Bezos gets whacked as well as the guy on the corner. Bro, I don't own real estate. I'm good. Let's go. I do, but whatever.

It is good. Times are good. YouTube's going good. Let's go. What was it? I saw someone who had the idea that Endgame should start and the world, the universe is thriving. Clem said this. Clem said it?

Yeah. And then the Avengers are the bad guys. Because they're like, we need everyone back. And it's like, no, dude, shit's fine. Thanos is the president. They just died. People die. Things are fine.

Leave it alone. Right. Honestly, that would be the greatest twist of all time. That would be awesome. Bro, what if that's Trump's second term? Right? It's like he gets through the first four, gets back, and all of a sudden, economy starts humming, right?

College is affordable. All these things start working out. There's no Middle East conflict. We're like, fucking Thanos did it. He fucking did it. Should have listened to this guy. He should have showed up to the second turn

with the diamond glove. Like, guys, y'all ready to get this shit moving? I also saw a picture of, it was just Stan Lee in heaven, like with like a really uncomfortable look down on him. And it was just captioned, Stan Lee watching all of you talk about how the Avengers are going to win by Ant-Man flying up Thanos' asshole.

Yeah. That ends, like, the move. Like, just have Ant-Man crawl up his asshole. We did 20 years of this for this fucking thing? So, yeah, what are they going to do with it? Do you guys, what is the speculation? I feel like they, I don't know the speculation, but they got know the speculation, but you can rewind time with one of the stones. You can change reality with one of the stones.

I feel like they're going to rewind to before they snap the finger. So they run it back and they figure out a way. Probably. Which I think is kind of corny. But I also want, you watch Game of Thrones? Yes. I want the White Walkers to win. I think that's the most logical thing too.

Like if the undead army, if we're being serious here, they would just fucking run through everybody. Okay, so they run through. I think they just keep going. Everyone's like, who's going to be on the Iron Throne? They don't want the Iron Throne. They're just going to throw the Iron Throne

in the fucking trash and keep murdering people. Wouldn't that be the most, I mean, it's the most bleak show in the world, right? If George R.R. Martin's sticking to his gut, it would be like, you think Danny's going to win, you think John's going to win, and they just get overrun by zombies.

And everybody turns into a zombie at the end. They all just end up walking next to the next world. So what do they do once everybody's a zombie? I don't fucking know. That's it. They just stop, right? I don't know. They just...

I mean... The Night King's definitely got some aspirations. You can tell he's the leader. Right. So I don't know. So a couple of them can think. He looks like he can think. Yeah. A few of them can think. He looks like he can think. Yeah.

A few of them can think. Well, aren't they called different? They're not White Walkers, right? The whites or whatever. There's like those four horsemen. Yeah, the ones that stand on the horse. Yeah, yeah. I'd be cool with that.

Yeah. Like as long as I get to, you know, have convos and shit, like. Yeah. That's it. That's not a total L. Like how else would, I mean, how are you going to stop the entire White Walker army? I mean, the only way I could think was the dragons, and they've already proven they can take down dragons.

They took a dragon. The first fight, they took one dragon. They got a dragon, bro. It was like, oh, you got a dragon? I want Cersei, though. I'm a Cersei. I'm team Cersei. Cersei.

Why? Why do you like Cersei? She's a evil bitch. You like that? Yeah, I love that. Are you attracted to it? Yeah, hell yeah. I'm not into it.

You're not into that? No, I'm not into it. You like good girls, little pussy? I do like them good girls, bro. Dude, I, hell yeah. I'm not into it. You're not into that? No, I'm not into it. You like good girls, little pussy? I do like them good girls. Dude, I love a girl who I'm like, if I say the wrong thing, she might cut me. Really? Yeah, I like that. Keeps me on my toes.

Raise a blade on the top. Keeps me honest, you know? Interesting. Circe, so you're into Circe. No surprise. Sexually attracted. Port noise. How could you not be sexually attracted?

I'm intellectually attracted. I'm attracted everywhere. But sexually attracted, that's just flat out, of course. That's just I'm a red-blooded man. I think Khaleesi needs to stop being stingy with them knockers. Yeah, she hasn't shown them since like season two. She got big money and then she covered them puppies up. Yeah, she put it in the contract.

You see what she was testing last night? What? She's had three brain surgeries since Thrones started. She had aneurysms. That was not the reaction I expected. This bitch has been trying to keep secrets so hard. She's like, I have scars. I have a scar from the top of my skull to behind my ear.

What? The first one, they went in through her groin, and then they fixed an aneurysm. And the second one, they went in through the groin again to fix Like fixed an aneurysm And the second one They went in through the groin again To fix her aneurysm But they fucked up In post-op They were like

Oh shit Didn't work You're fucking bleeding Through your head right now We gotta go in Right now What? And she was like

I had to sign a waiver Being like Don't know what's gonna happen Do it your best Oh bro If I'm the nurse there I'm asking what's happening Right?

Like she's somewhat You know Recalling what's going on. I need some details about the final season. Who's on that throne? I saw Aria last time I was in LA. She was walking outside of my agency and I almost pulled up on her.

She walks goofy, man. She's got that LeBron like, you know how LeBron's feet are outside like that? What do I call that shit? What do you guys call that? Duck foot. I thought ducks are in No Pigeons are in Ducks are out

I guess Yeah Water chicken Yeah Sonsa Sophie Turner Told her husband One of the Jonas Brothers

Who's Sophie Turner She's Sonsa Stark Yeah She's a fucking smoke show Yeah And it's weird Because when she started She was so young but now she's like a fucking hot

Full on smoke But she's married to one of the Jonas Brothers I don't know which one And she told him the ending Oh fuck that I don't want to know If she was going to die And we weren't going to get the season

Then I want to know what was going to happen. But I don't want spoilers. He's very mad. He said he was like – Oh, she told him without his permission? Correct. Oh, divorce. She was like, I was ready to burst. And here's the thing, though.

They film – I don't even think the characters do know. I think they film like six different endings to prevent this. But she might be able to definitively say like, well, Cersei dies, so you know it's not her. So whatever it was, they described it as as a horrible, earth-shattering spoiler. Take that in, though, what you said, which is really interesting. They filmed six different endings. That's real. That's the only way because they know how shitty humans are.

It's like that's why these motherfuckers with security clearance, like these high-level people with security clearance, they make, the second they get out of the army or the government, they make millions of dollars working for like fucking, I don't know, T-Mobile, right? It doesn't matter because you need to trust people with information. And if you've proven that you don't say shit about where the safe houses are in Afghanistan or even aliens, like if you've proven you can, that's how much we lie. Is there a professional I don't tell people?

Yeah, right. That's crazy. Right? That's a job. I'm not going to say shit. That's a job. That's what you do for a living. You have no other skills.

Tell me something, it ain't going nowhere. What? Bro. Yup, yup. And what's real funny, too, is, like, her telling her husband's perfect. Because you could be a vault in, like walk of life and then you fuck some girl or you fuck some guy and you're in pillow talk and it just, it comes out. You know what I mean?

You basically have to factor in that someone's telling their spouse. So maybe you trust that actor. But you trust the husband? Hell no. That's why you got to do six different endings so that she tells the wrong one. You can't do shit anymore. Did you guys see that video with my boy Adam and Tiana Trump? Oh. Did you see about that

Have you guys spoken about that Oh yeah No Let's go This is perfect timing Yeah So you guys set it up Because I just saw the clip online

So I didn't know exactly Who she's talking about Yeah so Tiana Trump Went on It was No Jumper right Yeah No Jumper yeah And she's talking about

She's a porn star by the way Does everybody know that Oh yeah Our listeners are probably Well informed about Tiana Trump I just found out about her You just found out about Tiana Trump? Yeah, yeah.

I swear to God. Just a couple weeks ago on my podcast. This is like when someone tells me, oh, I didn't watch Breaking Bad. And you get to go back. I'm jealous because you get to go back and watch season one. You get to go find all of Tiana Trump from the beginning. If I could men in black myself and have no Tiana Trump in my brain so I could read it, I would. That's funny, bro.

Have you not? I say that shit about Game of Thrones. I'm like, man, I wish I could see what you're about to see. You're going to get that with Tiana, man. Just go to her fucking Twitter, her first pinned tweet. Nah, bro. I don't like her. Devouring cock.

I don't like her, dude. You don't like her? No. She looks like Stephen A. Smith. If you look at her, she looks exactly like Stephen A. Smith. Get a picture up of her and Stephen A. Smith I can see it Get a picture up of her And Stephen A. Smith Right next to each other

Same nose Same forehead Same fucking thing They got the same hairline But look I can look past I mean Dude I remember

You can look past Stephen A. Smith Kelly Devine I used to like Some fucking ugly ass porn stars But they just knew how to work it They can do work You can be ugly

You just can't look like Stephen A. Smith Bro I know Stephen A. Smith. Bro, I know Stephen A. Smith. Watch the mess. At the end of the day. I actually, now I want her to be in like a first take parody. Her and Meg Kellerman.

Skip Bayless banging her out. Just like her Like after a scene Like she's got like Stay off The weed With like Like a facial on You know how they do Like those things Like going through public

To come walk To walk a save So Tiana Trump's on No Jumper And she's talking about How she fucked someone On the Pacers When she was 16

She casually drops That's the age of consent I don't think that's true. In Indiana? Absolutely. I'm sure it is. 100%. I think he's probably 14 in Indiana.

No bullshit. So she said that, and she says that, so Adam, the host, is like, so when they fucked, he didn't know she was 16. She found out after the fact, and they filmed it. It was pictures, video, and he was like, did he freak out when he found out that you were 16? She was like, oh, out when he found out that you were 16 and she was like oh lord no

we keep watching the videos we're always talking about it the internet has narrowed it down to Paul George or Lance Stevenson Paul George apparently has an affinity for porn stars and what not

there's a picture of her did he get one pregnant he got some stripper pregnant something like that yeah and then there's a picture of her in a Lance Stevenson jersey he changed the name.

He changed the number for a reason. She's got a Lance Stevenson jersey on with her asshole out and his sneaker resting on the small of her back. So that's one thing. And then she goes on to say that a top five paid player in the NBA once asked to get on her Instagram, went on her Instagram, and was soliciting dudes asking them to send pictures and videos of their dicks. Who do you think?

Say it because you know who you're thinking about right now. My first, like the first reaction. KD. No. I thought James Harden. Dwight Howard. Well, that's. Dwight Howard.

I mean, Dwight Howard. Yeah, but Dwight Howard's not top five. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. But I thought top five paid. Oh, wait. Top five paid. Current max contract. I thought top five paid was about who fucked her not top five paid. That's what I was thinking, yeah. But I thought top five paid, oh wait, top five paid. Current max contract.

I thought top five paid was about who fucked her. Top five paid was about the gay, like, slotty gifs. But when did that happen? Because Howard was a top five guy for a while. And Howard would be the best. And also, Tiana Trump is as dumb as this fucking wall. I don't think she understands NBA contracts. I think she's just, like, trying to flex a little bit.

Like, he's top five paid. Tiana Trump does not know who the top five players in the NBA contracts. I think she's just trying to flex a little bit. He's top five paid. Tiana Trump does not know who the top five paid NBA are. I do not know who they are. And that's your only job as a whore, is know how much these motherfuckers are making. Why else are you even fucking them if you don't know? Maybe she does. Tiana Trump is famously not smart. She is very dumb.

She openly talks about how dumb she is. It's not even people accuse her of it. She's like, I am the dumbest motherfucker on this planet, I swear to God. She's just good at sucking dick. Yeah, she's fantastic at it. There seems to be a correlation between those two in life. It's often the case. It's where you find a dumb girl that doesn't know how to suck dick.

Or you find an intellectual genius who can just take it down. They can do it, yes. They really try to suck your dick smart. I've been with those girls that are just really smart girls, and they're trying to do all these techniques, but it looks too CrossFit.

Have you ever seen... You know how CrossFit it's forced? They're doing the pull-ups, but it's not about form. It's just like, I can get one in. It's like, dumb it the pull-ups, but it's not of a form. It's just like, I can get one in. Yeah, like this. It's like, dumb it down a little, sweetheart. Just go up and down on it. That's it. It's not that crazy.

They're also pragmatic about it and sensible where they're like, I know how big this penis is. I know how big my throat is. I can't go all the way down. I'm not even going to try it. That doesn't make any sense. You need to suspend reality to suck a dick, right? Absolutely. Yes. Make it disappear. Go for it. Whoever it is is sitting at home right now just shaking in their fucking boots i feel like i actually i and maybe this is just because of me i i think i'd be like look it's the all already the water is too muddied yeah i

agree like it's never gonna defend your word against yours people are never really gonna unless unless you know you got receipts unless you got the videos and whatnot. Right, which I guess she probably does. But she, I mean, she said she's not going to put them out. She's like, I don't do receipts. She does seem like a ride or die girl, but she's also already flirting with it enough that I don't know. That fucks her brand up.

Yes. She don't realize that. But now dudes are going to be reluctant to fuck with her. Absolutely. Because they're like, uh-oh, she's going to air some shit out if you treat her crazy. Even just to say, a guy on the Pacers, it's like, well, you've narrowed it down already.

Pretty fucking, yeah, right. So, you know, you're not as tight-lipped as you treat her crazy. Even just to say, a guy on the Pacers, it's like, well, you've narrowed it down already. Pretty fucking, yeah, right. So, you know, you're not as tight-lipped as you think you are. Again, the I don't say shit is a fucking valuable role. That's all you have. As a perfect, like, is she paid? She's paid, right? So as a prostitute, that's your job, right? The whole point, yeah. The whole thing is that lockbox. It's like we were saying, they're the sex version of I don't tell. Yeah. You know?

Right. And that is, you can go so far. People don't realize, like, especially women, they don't realize how far you can go in terms of, like, fucking famous people and getting money by not saying anything. That's the number one concern of rich people, famous people. I have friends that do this for, not a living, but it's like, and they have a very interesting approach. The approach is this. The approach is this. Do what for a living? Like, well, just, you it's like, and they have a very interesting approach. The approach is this.

The approach is this. Like, well, just, you know, fuck, fuck, fuck famous guys, right? And the approach is interesting. It goes, they go, listen, you don't want to talk to me. You don't care about my day. You don't care about my feelings. You're going to objectify me 100%, right? I am just a pussy to you, right?

So I'm going to objectify you 100%. Now, if you want to hang out with me, take me out to dinner, see what's going on, you don't have to pay. Let's just hang out. And if we end up fucking cool because we vibe. But if you're saying, come here, I'm going to fly you in. If I'm just a pussy, you're just a wallet. Boom.

And on some level, you've got to respect that. That's not bad. Cut out the bullshit and just get to what everybody wants out of life. Only broke people don't understand this. Yes. I agree. The second you get money, you just want shit compartmentalized. You're like, I want to fuck.

I don't want to leave my house. I'll Uber you. It starts with Uber, right? I'll Uber you here, right? That is the first interaction, and I'll Uber you home. And girls get that because they go, will you Uber me? I don't want to pay to suck your dick. Oh, he's such a gentleman.

Yeah, exactly. Like, you're paying $11.99 to come to my house and suck your dick. Oh, he's such a gentleman. Yeah, exactly. Like you're paying $11.99 to come to my house and suck my dick. Whatever it is, right? So it's fine. And then I don't think that makes you even a whore. At all. It makes you kind of smart. The whore is doing

it for nothing. Right? Well, if you're a bad whore, yeah. Especially if you're not coming. If you're coming, that's a different ballgame. Like there are some, if you have good sexual whore Yeah Especially if you're not coming If you're coming That's a different ball game Like there are some If you have good sexual chemistry With a girl And she comes

And you come I think that the slate is clean Yeah Be a gentleman Send a fucking Uber home Right I mean I imagine You guys married

Are you girlfriends Or whatever like that Divorced Girlfriend Girlfriend Okay so you're in a game Where you're out here again Right so you get the Uber home

It's the least you can do Absolutely It's like You know That's Cause it's not that you're in a game where you're out here again. Right? So you get the Uber home. It's the least you can do. Absolutely. That's like, you know, that's... Because it's not that much money. It's not that much money. It's also like, that's a me too if you don't do that. Right. You know what I mean?

It's like, after sex, you have to have certain protocol to make sure, yes, everybody's copacetic and everything's happy. Water. You're right. Yes. Whatever. You need some water? That's my go-to now.

How low is the bar? There's the go-to water. I'll hydrate and I'll pay $11.99 if you get home. So you don't fucking sue me or something. There you go. It starts with water. The first thing. I might even give you some ice.

Boom. Can I get you any water? Yes, I'd love some water. I'm good. Right? It's a towel and a water. I'm not a rapist, right? Can I get you water? Yes, you would. That's a yes. Everything was cool. I'm good. Right? It's a towel and a water. I'm not a rapist, right? Can I get you a water?

Yes, you would. That's a yes. Everything was cool. You know what I mean? So we're there. We move on. Everybody's happy. The Uber.

Everything works. But if you don't, oof. Watch out. It's 11 bucks for peace of mind. Especially where things can go in the bedroom these days. It's like, I don't know, I feel like you finish up, and if you've had yourself a session, you almost have to make up for some of the things you've just done.

You know what I mean? We went a little too far there, so I got to get you water. Oh, are you having single after being married sex now? Yeah, if you go down that road. What is down that road? How far down are we talking about? You know, you get a little aggressive. How aggressive are we talking about?

We're not talking about the little choking, slapping. That's normal. No, that's what I am talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it can be crazier. Some of those things, yeah. Spit in her mouth? You spit in her mouth?

You've got to spit in her mouth. It's pretty standard. Exactly. You're 13. I've only been turned down once from that. That was a weird thing because I like to drop it in slow, and it just slowly went, and she just zipped up her lips, and it just hit her on top of the lips.

And then she just wiped it off. She's like, I'm not into that. I was like, okay. Felt like a bully older brother just holding down. Fucking Lukey over a sibling. I did it once, and I just, like, she was like, she asked for it. They want it. They want it.

And then I just missed. Where did it hit? Like, right in the face. No! The cheekbone? Yeah, like, right here. Oh, man. It was actually fucking awesome.

I was like, oh, wait, this might be better. Hang on. You know how my mouth turned into spitting my cheek? You know how Twitter does that? Like, oh, shit, I might have done something. I did a thing. I was like, I might have done something there. It went from oh, shit to oh, shit might have done something there. It went from, oh, shit, to, oh, shit.

Hang on a second. As if in the mouth is any fucking better. You know what I mean? It's like we decided that in the mouth is a thing. There's probably more cleanliness on the teeth. But the thing with in the mouth is like we're already making out. We're already exchanging. There's something about it being external.

It's different. It's an act. Kissing in general is weird shit when you think about it. One of the very first things you do is like, you know, we went on a date. I've got your number. We're hanging out. Yes. Basically, can you suck on my tongue?

Yes. And it's universally agreed upon. Like, yeah, okay. It's not even looked at as intimate. Yeah. It's like a dancing guy shaking my hand, you know? That's so true. It's far less intimate probably to suck dick than make out.

Yeah. Or at least hold dick. Like, I'd probably hold a guy's dick before I made out with him. I'm not gay. Fuck me before you make out with him. Make out with a dude or just hold his dick.

Which one? I'll watch a ball game. Couple hours. We'll be in the bottom of the seventh. I'm still holding this guy's dick. Walk him around like he's a Yorkie. Bathroom break? Let's go.

I'll shake. Don't worry. Dude, way less intimate, dude. 100%. That's crazy. I mean, the amount of things that girls will be like, you know, well, I'm not going to let you in my pants or whatever. Yeah. But, yeah, after our first fucking hour of hanging out, you can like basically, yeah, spit in my mouth. What? Yeah. Why is that agreed upon? It's like, yeah, after our first fucking hour of hanging out, you can like basically, yeah,

spit in my mouth. What? Yeah. Why is that agreed upon? I don't understand girls logic with a lot of this shit, you know, like just even like, like I've been watching like these serial killer docs that they all watch.

They're big into it, you know? And there's, I keep, I keep thinking about like, cause you know how they say like a girl's like biggest fear on a date, I guess is being murdered. That's what they say. And it about like, because you know how they say a girl's biggest fear on a date, I guess, is being murdered. That's what they say.

And it's like, I keep thinking of all the dates I've been on where a girl gets back upstairs and she'll say something like, you know, I just want to let you know, I don't suck dick.

And it's like, you could still be murdered. You know what I mean? You're just drawing lines. you could be murdered still? You must not be afraid of murder. Like if I was afraid, right? I'm on to something here, right? Like if I was afraid of being murdered, I'm not fucking drawing lines in the sand about what's going to happen in a murder's apartment.

Like when you had the gun to your neck, you were like, listen, you can take my wallet. But not that. Not my MetroCard. That's a fucking full monthly. Right? So it's like, you can't be that afraid of me. You can't be. Which is like, which is a horrible end of itself where you're just like, that makes you look at yourself like, I'm not even, like, a little bit scared.

A little bit scared? This girl doesn't even think I can murder her right now? I just saw the Bundy doc. You know it happens. Like, you have no fear. Nothing. We went through, like, a phase a couple years ago where me and my buddy, we'd order, like, girls off Backpage to come over.

Yeah, yeah. But we just thought it was funny to not fuck them, and we just watched The Sopranos with them. That's a podcast. That's a podcast. While they come over? Yeah, and, like, half of them just watch a showopranos with them. That's a podcast. That's a podcast. While they come over? Yeah, like have them just watch a show with you. Press record. Oh, that's good.

Live. Can we do that here? That's a great idea. Watch the game. Like watch some obscure sport like curling. Curling on here pretty often, to be honest. Dude, interesting. That's content.

When she got into the room, she sits on the couch. And we did this a lot, but this only happened one time. And she gets on the couch, and I guess she's got to call her driver, her pimp, whatever it is downstairs. And she's just flat out laughing. She's like, no, no, you're good. You can go home. I'm fine with that. And I was like, come on.

What are you talking about? I'm holding with that. And I was like, come on! I'm holding a knife! I just got some non-threatening white boys. We're good. I'm just cooking dinner over here, but I literally have a knife in my hand. You talk about you're fine. Dude, they have no intuition. The biggest myth in the world is women have any intuition. It's like,

they're the only ones that get murdered by serial killers. It's like, how many times do you have to get murdered by serial killers until you realize, you don't fucking guess right. You don't guess right. He killed fucking 40 people, Ted Bundy. How many?

Not one of them was like, this guy's, I got a little intuition that you're going to murder us. And then I remember being like, before I, you know, a million documentaries and shit, I was like, like Well how did he do it And they were like Well he was pretty He was a good looking guy

What Yeah he wasn't that handsome First of all he wasn't that handsome Second of all All it took was that To get mass murder Nah you know what it is But they can't murder you

I mean like a hot woman Could kill me I'm sure You know what He's got game He got game I was watching that shit Definitely He knows exactly what he's fucking doing

He talks like Some philosopher type shit. Like he said one line in the doc where he goes, you know how they tricked him into talking about himself? Did you? Yeah. Okay, so anybody listening who hasn't seen it, basically he wouldn't admit that he did anything. So the guys who are writing the story on him, they say, well, if this person did it, why would you think he did it or something? So they're getting him to talk about himself but in a way that's not going to incriminate him.

So he goes, well, you know, this is a long story. He goes, much like the water at the end of a river as it enters the ocean, that water is not the water that's there. That water is water that is started at the top of a mountain. And he just gets into this. I'm like, I'm going to give this guy some pussy, bro. What? What is going on right now, man? So you're talking to 19-year-old girls

that are learning about fucking... That's it. And then you're dead. I get it. I get how you can get murdered. Bro, Alana, this is why the Saudis, you know... This is why... Don't let them travel alone. You know what I mean? This is the whole idea. Why they're not allowed to drive. It's not because they don't think them travel alone. You know what I mean? This is the whole idea why they're not allowed to drive.

It's not because they don't think they could drive. It's because there was a rule back in the day, which is like, don't leave women alone in the desert. That was the rule. Right? And it's why. Because they get fucking murdered by Ted Bundy, dude. That's what happens to them. You got to have them, you know, you got to have them watched 24-7.

All right, so as I said to start the interview, Andrew Schultz is a funny fucking guy, but he's also a very smart guy. He had an interesting look on the comedy industry, the podcast industry, the East Coast, West Coast differences between all the guys that we've had on the podcast. So we got our laughs out of the way, and there was a lot of them, but then I wanted to make sure we talked a little bit of business. So if you're interested in the behind-the-scenes look, a behind-the-curtain look of comedy and podcast,

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You're a funny cat, man. Thanks, brother. Things have been going good for you, huh? Things are cool, man. We were talking a little bit before you came in here about trying to – I think we're kind of on the same page at the same time with having not yet talked, because we've had a lot of the West Coast podcasters come in here recently.

Yes. And they are all fucking killing it. Yeah. From Shob to Theo Vaughn. Love them all. And Mark Reicher and Ari Shaffir, all these guys out there, and they're like this crew, this tight crew, all doing each other's shows, all hyping each other up. And it's like this. They all, you know, rising tides.

All ships are rising. And lifts all boats. Lifts all boats. Rising tides, rising with the rising boats. Ted Bundy would have got that. He would have hit that shit immediately. I'm on a burner, right? And girls would make, you have a boat?

What? But out here, it seems to kind of be A different vibe Yes And I don't think It should be that way I'd love to try to change We gotta change it Yeah and I mean

I don't know Why do you think It is different out here Poor Yeah people are poor Yeah comics are poor And Why is even that though

Because I feel like New York Is kind of the Crown jewel of comedy It is the crown jewel Of comedy How is it not the money You know what it is It's New York's The only. It is the crown jewel of comedy. How is it not the money? You know what it is?

It's New York's is the only okay this is how little comics get paid. New York is the only city in the world where you can be a full time comic in New York.

So you can make money off spot pay. Right. We know what that is but anybody listening to spot pay is like when you go see a show at the Cellar

or New York Comedy Club or Cedar it's like during the week you're getting 40 bucks the weekends you're getting like 100 bucks something like that. So comics will do you know 5, 6, 7 shows on a weekend night so they can get enough money where they can pay the bills.

But it's not real money, right? So it's like what the L.A. guys did because you never made money in L.A. I remember I went out to L.A. and I did a show in the Hollywood Improv and they gave me $7.50. Oh, God. That's like the most – I'd be like, get the fuck out of my face. There was coins in the envelope. There was two coins. No, no, no.

This is the crazy part. Then they asked me to fill out a W-2. And I just handed them the money and the W-2 back. Because it was like, filling this out is not worth $7.50, right? But that's, so it forced guys,

the fucked up climate, forced guys to find other ways to make money. Right, via the road or what we're doing is podcasts. So, forced guys, the fucked up climate forced guys to find other ways to make money via the road or what we're doing is podcasts. So you guys get that. I get that. But the reason we get it is because we're in a position where we're able to see it. You know how like every rich person says money doesn't make you happy and every poor person is like once I get some money, I'm going to be happy. Like you don't know until you get some real money that that's not the key.

Right. It helps the vision. Yeah. Right? Like, what does money do? It gives you a view. It opens a lot of doors. Yes.

Yes. Right? It lets you sit up on a mountaintop and go, okay, this is how the world works. Okay, good. Now I got some perspective. So we can't tell people shit. Nobody does anything if you tell them. We got to show them.

So like my whole, even going on Rogan. Which is incredible, by the way. Which was amazing. You get the call, it's like, holy shit. That's it. That's it. We got to show them. So like my whole, even going on Rogan. Which is incredible, by the way. You get the call, it's like, holy shit. That's it. That's it.

So that's Carson now. But it's like, my experience on Rogan, it wasn't for me, right? It was like, I needed to help these comics understand

how you empower yourself. Right? And it's doing this right here. It's like, the game is all about intimacy now. You know? You guys have been in this game for a while

so you understand that intimate relationship that you have with a fan base. That, they'll support you forever. Yep. You want to do a live show,

we were talking about how you want to build into like these live events and they'll come out because they just want to be next to you. You provided them with so much fucking

content and like distraction for their bored day. Yeah. Like even this combo right now, there's somebody listening to this combo right now that was like, man, my fucking job was so boring today.

And then you guys started talking about Tiana Trump. Right? And it's just like. The amount of people you run into on the street who are like, I got it just the other day. I was getting lunch and this guy was like, I don't want to be weird, but, like, you got me through some shit. Tough times. Weird. Like, we hear that more than anything.

Like, I was in a dark place and KFC Radio was the only thing that got me through i'm like well that's fucking crazy but like awesome yeah but it's real yeah and that's probably thousands and thousands of people right so it's like so you have that situation right so like i have you know with with my podcast i do it with charlemagne called brilliant natives i do it called flagrant 2 that i do with kaz and akash and i would love to have you guys on i think it'd be fun for sure what. What we got to do is, is this exact thing, right? We are in a position of like prosperity, right? We have not only people, but we have money and we can help lift everybody up. We got to show. So you can't tell the young guys or not even the young guys, the guys who don't get it. You can't tell them what to do. You got to show them, right? So we got to bring them up

and put them on our platforms. And then when they start seeing that oh my god people are coming on and listening to them then they're going to take someone smaller than them and then lift them up a little bit right and as everybody lifts everybody else comes up as well like you're saying about the rising tide lifts all boats right so it's like kind of kind of what he was saying but like so when i put the special so when i put my special out on YouTube right now, it's like I could have maybe, you know, we had light offers from somebody, from some people, right? And I could have maybe gone that way.

But what I needed to do was two things, right? I needed to show, one, comics that the way you get people out is by having access. Like we both know guys that have hour specials that can't sell a ticket. Absolutely. It's because nobody's watching Comedy Central. They're just not watching. It's like,

you put an hour special on Comedy Central, it's like putting out your album in a cassette. Nobody watches. It didn't happen. Right? So I put my shit out

on YouTube and I'm over a million views in three weeks. Like, no special that's been on TV has gotten over a million, over 100,000. You know? So it's like, I sell out tickets around the world from putting shit on YouTube. weeks, no special that's been on TV has gotten over 100,000.

So it's like I sell out tickets around the world from putting shit on YouTube. So once I got that in comics heads, like, hey, put your shit out on Instagram, put it out on Twitter. Internet, man. It's crazy that you have to say it. You guys have been operating in the space for a long time, so it's obvious to you. But when it comes to most comics, the conventional wisdom is like, I'm going to hoard my material, put it out in a special. Yes.

Nobody's watching a special. They're afraid to put it out. It's like, give everything away. Or they're not going to watch it there. It's like, give everything away. Give it for fucking free. Give it away. You make money on the road.

The game is the road. Everything is going to be live shows. Everything. You'll turn anything into live shows in the future, right? We'll do anything into live shows in the future, right? We'll do a festival. You know, we could do, we could take all of our different fan bases and throw a fucking sick festival. Bang of a weekend. Exactly.

In the city, right? And it's like, and then everybody finds out about everybody, whatever. We can talk off air about that. But the idea for standup is like, nobody wants to listen to any stranger talk for an hour. Nobody. It's too long. Too fucking long. Yeah.

But a person that you know and love, they'll listen to you guys talk for an hour nobody just too long too fucking long but a person that you know and love they'll listen to you guys talk for two hours yeah yeah every day of the week if they could i'm sure you guys get questions all the time hey guys can you do another episode i'm talking about right now right literally right now we're about to add another one to the week yeah because the desire is there it's like y'all they fuck with y'all right so it's like my my thinking was i'm gonna cut my special up into this recent one, Views from the CIS, is six different parts. What does that give me? That gives you six different entry points into me.

So you could find me through this joke about Trump grabbing pussy and why he's right. You could find me about this joke about trannies. You could find me about this joke about Me Too, whatever it is, right? And then now you have six different portals. I don't know what your favorite joke is going to be in a special right but if it was

just an hour you might not even make it you might not make it 30 minutes into your favorite bit it doesn't make any sense

the only reason it was an hour is because they need to fill a time block right so the game has changed

and I'm trying to do everything I can to get comics to realize it in New York so we can recreate that West Coast LA thing

yeah I mean even the idea it started out can to get comics to realize that in new york so we can recreate that west coast la thing yeah i mean like just the even the idea that it started out like uh can i come through to like promote this book this show this the stand-up it's like come through just come through to fucking put your name out there and and and show people you're funny and not just be promoting and shilling that's it i never like here it is you want yes thank you you want another one so that's it exactly it's like i whenever it is. You want? Yes, thank you. You want another one? Okay, so that's it. Exactly. It's like, whenever somebody comes through

or does my shit, right? It's like, I'm like, don't even mention it. I'm going to mention it. Let's just have fun. That resonates way more. Like,

I was even hesitant to even say, talk about my special right now. I'm using it as an example. But like, for me being here, it's just more about, hey, I know that there's being here, it's just more about, hey,

I know that there's people here, I know there's people that listen maybe to me here, this is people who don't know about me, but I also know there's people who fuck with me

and they're gonna listen to this and maybe really fuck with you guys. Yes. Right? So it's like, it's cross, but it's like,

if you give, something I learned, if there's, you get way more from giving. I never asked to be on Rogan, I didn't, maybe I asked to be With you guys No

Shawb asked Shawb I just asked like Who are some funny guys That you vouch for He said you I was like come on So it's like

When you do shit People around you Will ask for you Yes I know it's crazy But when you're just About your craft The people around you

Notice And then they start going Yo you should connect with them You guys are like minded And how much easier Is that text message yes it's not some needy fucking comic right begging to come on please come on or i gotta promote this i gotta sell that then you have some thirsty ass conversation because it's selfish right it's just take take take yeah yeah you know i mean we've definitely done some interviews like that where it's just like all right i don't want to talk about your book yeah it it's like you can tell they don't really want to be there.

Their publicist booked it for them. It's like, I'm not trying to do any favors. You don't need to be here. I don't have to talk to you. Whatever. You're going to sell two books from this. Yeah, I know. That's the other thing.

Maybe. So we're all wasting our fucking time. It's a way. And then the fans don't get what they want. It's like when you come on something, at least for me, maybe it's because we do this so we understand like listening and shit like that but like i want to know about you guys getting robbed i'm not sitting here going when is the next time i'm talking yeah and sometimes people do that yes sometimes people do that and like on a reptilian level people listen and get that they might not articulate it but they get it and they're like this person not that intrigued not that interested so i'm not that interested

in them yeah and i don't trust him. He's got self-interest or some shit like that. It's just not there. Well, you'll get them just on their car wash when they're just giving the same lines. Oh, yes. We had an interview recently where I'm like, dude, I was doing prep on you, and I heard this exact statement. And I didn't ask the same question because I knew you'd been asked that question. That's a different –

Find a way to wedge it in. You just found a way to say that. That's an old radio technique. That's so fucking old. That's an old radio technique. They used to do that because when you're on the road for stand-up,

I don't know if it was a stand-up guy, but what... It wasn't. It wasn't. Usually I've seen this with stand-ups. You want to wedge

into your material on the road because that sells tickets. For me, it's awful. You know what I mean? One of the greatest things about having a fan base is not having to do the morning radio with these fake fucking combos and this bullshit. All right, we're going to take a break.

But the best thing about the podcast format is there isn't time. We can sit here and we can talk about shit for 30 minutes. And then we can be funny for 30 minutes. Right, right, right, right. You know? Yeah. You can kind of do whatever you want. There's no rules to it.

Whatever the fuck we want. Yeah. You know? But I mean, it's interesting to see. You got to be funny and you can be smart. And so when you're funny and smart, you kind of see the fucking matrix of it all. It's what you guys did here. It's like the best thing that I've, and I've been watching Barstool for a while, like kind

of analyzing and seeing what you guys have done. But what a lot of people don't realize that don't watch Barstool is that you guys are actually very highbrow about things that are perceived lowbrow. Yeah, absolutely. That is the art. Yeah. So now people, they go, oh, it's guys and beer when they don't pay attention to it. Right. Right?

And you want that. Yeah. You want the low expectations because then it's an inside, it's like an insider thing. And that's what you guys have created. You found the white space in the market, right? What we call the white space is like the empty void. Yeah. Right?

Where nobody is. Right. Like, that's what I did for, like, uncensored comedy or unfiltered comedy on YouTube. I was like, okay, no standup is putting that out there on YouTube. I'm going to fucking flood it. I'm going to flood it because I know people want that. You know what I mean? You guys found that with sports.

We're tired with fucking ESPN's boring-ass takes. Nobody's saying some real shit. Tell me who fucked Keanu Trump. Do you know what I mean? And you guys went in, and then the world fucking gravitated to you because it was authentic. It was authentic. It was good.

It was well done and now you've got pressure on these other networks to spice it up. Right? Yeah. And they try to and they don't know how to.

They're like, it's inauthentic. You'll see the shows where they're in a sweatshirt now or they're like saying, give me another beer. After 10 o'clock they can say ass now.

It's like, nah. Right. It's not going to be the same. Even Simmons, even Simmons, he feels too put together. He's horrible on TV. He's one of those guys who like, when he did that commercial where he said fuck. Oh my God. It was just like, that's it, man.

Because that's not him. They're all fucking stadiums. It's not it, Bill. Cut the music. He just said fuck. No, dude. The thing with Simmons is he's so good with the pen. And oftentimes people who are good with the pen are undeniable.

But when they're good with the pen, they're horrible in person a lot of times. And that's usually why they're so good with the pen. Right? It's because they have some time to think and process. Even his skin doesn't look right. I was watching him on something. I don't know if it was inside the NBA. I don't know what the fuck it was on.

I was just looking at this guy, and I was like, bro, you look sick. He's got, like, the white walker eyes. Yes, he's fucking jaundiced. You know what I mean? Like, give him some blush. So it's just he doesn't work in front of TV. Right. But you got to find your strengths.

Some people know how to talk. Some people know how to write. And some people know how to do both And it's like When you know what you do Double down Yeah I mean that's That's where we found this niche With dumb fucking hypothetical questions

And shit that's like Some people think of it as a crutch Or some people think of it as low brow And it's like I kind of think of it as Almost in a weird way Like you gotta be very clever You gotta be You gotta be on your toes You gotta be able to improv You gotta be able to You know And it's like I kind of think of it as almost in a weird way like you gotta be very clever you gotta be teaching on your toes

you gotta be able to improv you gotta be able to you know and it's like yeah we might be talking about fucking a dog I don't know but we're doing it in a way that some people really can't you know it's it's own it's own like art I never let these motherfuckers that have never created anything in their goddamn lives

have an opinion about shit right okay they have no clue what it takes to create content and have that content be interesting in a time where you're competing with literally everyone in the world that can create content yeah okay so if you find a through line and then you hit people that's magic right okay if you can recreate it that's a superpower right right so it's like everybody wants to constrict what i notice you see a lot in comedy it's like whatever comedy these people can't do becomes bad comedy right so if you're one of these like woke comics right you're not funny you're just saying shit the audience thinks they should agree with and then they clap right right so you know you can't do

real shit you know you can't do reptilian gut comedy. Right. So you say that's problematic. Put that down. Yes. You make it radioactive. It's like what they've done with anybody. It's like if they can't debate you on something. They won't talk to you. Not only do they not talk to you, they make a reason not to

talk to you. They go, oh, he's racist. You're like, what do you mean? He's like, well, let's just talk about it. I don't talk to racists. Well, that convenient yeah yeah so you won't debate me you haven't even talked about why you even think i'm racist i can't even defend myself and yes they think they're slick with it but now it's starting to unravel like well yeah you i do see i was actually i was actually watching a uh like a six minute it was like a brief documentary where like more is going to come out, but it was actually, it was crazy interesting.

It was three academics who have decided that the world of academia is, is basically their, their, their goal was to get through to journals and papers, get through with papers that they were writing and they want, they were going to be jokey. Right. And so they,

these three academics, these three philosophers or something like that who decided, look, we're going to do a year experiment. We're going to try to get these papers through. And we're going to document everything. And at the end of the year, we have to release our – even if we don't get anything through and we look like assholes and our career is probably over because we've been writing fake papers,

we have to release our data. That's the only way you can have a fair experiment. So they're like, okay, done. So it's, I think, kind of a Latino-looking woman and two white dudes one older white guy one probably around our age and the first three months of it they start writing about like it's like really over the top stuff and none of it's getting through and they're actually panicking they're like fuck this is not going we thought it's gonna be really easy yeah because their their thesis was that only stuff that makes men and white people look bad can get published.

That has to be the common denominator. Because that's what's hot right now. And they have to be the villains no matter what. And then they decided, they looked at it from a different angle, and they're like, wait. I forget how they formulated it, but they're like, wait. Actually, if we attack it this way, we'll start getting papers through here. So they're just making up up experiments making up total bullshit and one was like they they chained white kids in elementary schools to their desks to take away their privilege and then when they were told that when they whined about it we were they were

told it was proven that their privilege is what made them soft and then there's another one about how dogs in dog parks are uh examples of rape culture and that actually went viral that went viral last year and it was actually crazy where i was like oh i was like oh shit like it is kind of like everything is dismissed unless that is the answer yeah and then don't get me wrong i agree on some level about right on a large level about that stuff. What, white privilege? Yeah.

I mean, like, I've never been – The thing about white privilege is this. It's like – I think this is what minorities miss. It's like you got to let white people rock with white privilege. Like, I want to do a bit about it because, like, we just – You live, man. No, no. Like, we just use it to kill ourselves, right?

Like, I was thinking about, you know how the, what is it, all these kids around the world, they die from these diseases, like mumps and measles and all this shit, right? And, like, white people in America, we're trying to, like, actively not vaccinate our kids. Like, that's what we do with our privilege, is just put ourselves in danger. Like, we started doing parkour.

Like, that's how fucking privileged white neighborhoods are. Walking around is so goddamn boring that we're like, we gotta spice this shit up a little bit. If you just let us white privilege for a little longer, you'll be in charge.

We'll be fucking dead. You know what I mean? I think there's a bit in it. Absolutely. There's something in it. This neighborhood is so safe to walk around. We're gonna jump off buildings.

Let's take the buildings, bro. The streets are too safe. Like we fucking like skiing? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Extreme sports. Extreme sports is perfect. Shark feeding? What the fuck?

What the fuck? The whites will be dead soon enough. Just let us privilege ourselves out. It's the best thing that happened to minorities is white privilege. I love it, man. I hope you're right about the comedy revolution. You were saying that the fact that they let the Guardians of the Galaxy producer or director or writer or whatever it was back is a sign that maybe the pendulum is swinging back the other way. I think that article I was talking about, that kind of made me – because you do kind of – you drown in it when you're so inundated with it.

You just take it at face value and you're like, you're right. You're right. Okay, fine. You're right. And then sometimes I'm like, wait, hang on. That is pretty clear what's happening here but i never feel like i was talking to my mom about it and she's like well i remember asking you about me too like last year and you were like i don't care and i don't because i'm a good guy so i don't really give a shit yeah but she's like so you

care about this and i'm like i care about it if it's like if it's like just what any anything that gets an academic like some of those papers some of those articles won awards it if it's just anything that gets in academia. Some of those papers, some of those articles won awards. And it was just like they were our goal. You got to understand people, though. People want confirmation, not information. Right? So it's like they start their day going, I believe this. And then they tune into what confirms the belief.

Yeah, it's like I'm going to put on Fox News because I'm a conservative. Exactly. Yeah, and then you're saying CNN or everyone put on Fox News because I'm a conservative. Exactly. And then your site or everyone that you follow on Twitter says the same thing as you, so it must be true. You fucking picked those people with the same opinions. Exactly, so it's like... Echo chamber everywhere. Echo chamber everywhere, right?

And now we actually have the opportunity to create your own echo chamber where before it was a little bit more difficult. It was a little bit, right? But knowing that about people, that's where it gets fun that's where comedy gets fun at least for me you know i like operating in that space of i like talking about your gut you know i'm saying like i like if i like i like presenting an argument that you can't argue with because i'm not dealing with what's in your head right i'm dealing with what's in

your stomach you know like at the end of the day we're reptiles right so if like you say there's 70 genders I'm just gonna say no right it's like now every now everybody in the audience that like wants to be woke is gonna be like no there should be but the second I'm like nah they're gonna be like actually that's kind of how I feel yeah now then I got to give you a clever reason as to why. But I'm going to start with in here. Right. Right? Whereas like-

I know that you agree. I mean, I'm not saying it, but I know you agree. Exactly, because I'm dealing with feelings. And that's why old people can laugh at my shit, because it's all feelings. I never go for what you want the world to be. I'm going for how the world is. Yes. And when you operate like that, authentically, then you can really hit people, right?

Then you can really touch on things regardless if it's the echo chamber or not, right? Because now it's like The Daily Show is trying to confirm a belief about the world that isn't really true every single night, right? They're like, okay, how should people act? Let's write jokes about that. I'm not saying that. I'm saying how people do act. Grab some pussy, about that. I'm not saying that. I'm saying how people do act. Grab some pussy, bro.

Do you know what I mean? That's how I've been doing it. You know what I mean? So it's like that hits people. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's how comedy should, in my mind, that's how comedy should be. You know, it's about, my buddy called it a bull fight.

That's my favorite analogy for comedy. It's like the bull is the premise, and it's a dangerous beast. And if you're good at comedy, you don't fight with the bull. You dance with him. A bullfighter is elegant. You know what I mean? He's like sweating the cape, and he's got his outfit on. He's like, that's comedy.

A boxing match is tough. A boxing match looks ugly at the elite level. It's not boxing. It's fucking bullfighting, bro. I like that. I like that, man. Well, you're fighting the bull. You're fucking winning.

Gotta do it, man. We gotta revive New York, guys. Yeah, man. That's goal. I would love to, dude. This spring and summer. If Barstool can help in any way, that's where we would come in.

And let me know what I can do for you guys. Yeah, man. I mean that. Dude. Anything. So check out one of the pods. Plug them in. Oh, yeah. Brilliant Idiots. I do that. Dude. Anything. So check out one of the pods. Oh, yeah.

Brilliant Idiots. I do them. Charlie and Brilliant Charlie and Brilliant Idiots and then Flagrant 2. I do with Akash and Kaz. Akash is a very funny comedian and a very funny writer.

Kaz got a cool like he's doing an article every week with Complex sports article related. And the last one was why Magic Johnson is to blame for the Lakers. He's got some good fucking points, man. It's like, Magic sent

away a lot of assets that are doing very well. I'll tell you what, though. I'll take that a step further. I'll say, Jeannie Buss is to blame for the Lakers, because you know who Magic Johnson was. That motherfucker's been tweeting for a long time. You saw how smart Magic Johnson was.

Guys were going to score more points than the other team. Okay. He's a genius. Who read those tweets? It was like, gotta be a GM. Right office. Right to the top. Get him a desk and a Rolodex with every GM in the league. Bro, that's the new

title. This bottle needs a new genie. There we go. Anyway, let's do it, man. Comedy Revolution. This fucking year is making it happen, dude. Thank you, brother. Thanks so much for having me. Alright, thank you to Schultz for coming through. Thank you to that random dude in the airport for his lack of

social awareness. Shout out to John's girlfriend for passing that along. She's in the game now. She knows. She was like, I got to tell my boo the story so that he can tell this on the podcast. She was like, maybe I'm going to die right now. But the last thing I'm going to do, I got to tell John about this so he can use it on the pod. Yeah.

Shout out to you, girl. Imagine that story started with, so my girlfriend was in the second 9-11. They would definitely just call it that, by the way. They would just be like, you know, April 1st. It wouldn't be that. It would just be the second 9-11 happened on April 1st. 9-11 too. We're probably going to get in trouble for that.

I don't think so. Don't get us in trouble. Today's whole episode was brought to you by Tommy John. I'm wearing my Tommy Johns right now. Because every single day that you wear Tommy John, you start off the day at least giving yourself a shot. You know? It's like chances are work's going to be tough,

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Penis feels great. Then you at least give yourself a chance to have a good day. It does. Which is even better than feeling good. If you're going on like a first date, well, or a third date really, unless your first date game is really strong, probably more like a third date. You know the rules these girls follow.

That's so stupid. But, you know, just wear it all the time. First, second, third date. You never know when someone's going to need to look at your dick. You get a bunch of pairs. Right. That way, it's just like, wow, this date went really well, and I had to take my pants off. And I have my Tommy John dick out.

They have women's underwear, too, which I'm almost jealous. I want to be a girl to wear a Tommy John thong because I feel like they're that comfortable. John's just going to wear a Tommy John girl thong anyway. I'm done talking about it. They refuse to send it to you. They won't send me a thong. Are you listening, Tommy John? Send him an extra, extra large women's thong.

Well, not that big. Come on. I fit into a small one. You don't think you wear a double XL thong in women's? I've put on a small thong before. You wear a lot smaller then. Fuck you. Oh, by the way, it's time. It's time. It's April We're gonna It's time

It's time It's April 1st It's time to shame me Into being healthy Okay So like I need you to be Ruthlessly mean

Okay Okay Like I was just there Today you were stretching Uh huh And it was like Your stomach was hanging out Yeah like

Like my shirt came up Yeah And it didn't look good And like I I actually felt bad because Erica could see. See, this is what I need. That was mean. That was so mean.

See, this is such a fine line. I was talking to Erica. I was like, oh, my God, she can see that. I have considered telling the internet to do this, but I also don't think I have thick enough skin to do that. It's really what I need to get results, but I also think at some point I'm going to be like, okay, I call off the dogs and everyone's going to be like, nope.

Is the internet being particularly nice to you? No, but if they center in on my looks. Right now I can just take the constant stream of assaulting my character and my life and my past and my future

because you know what it is I know that they're wrong I know they don't know everything there is to know if they start commenting on my physical appearance I'm like that's dead ass accurate and the truth is what hurts it was one of the assignments where he's like everything that they make fun of me on Veep for

that's just me I just am that That's just me. I just am that tall. I just am that awkward. If you find a way to make the cruelty of the internet somehow work for you, that's an incredible power. That was my goal.

It's amazing. I want to be like, can you, within reason, shame me for my appearance? You should ask all the people that troll you about personal stuff. You should be like, what do you think of my appearance?

Yeah. Let's do that. If you have ever sent an obnoxious tweet to me about me cheating or my divorce or my children make fun of my appearance i see i i don't think i don't find that stuff useful because no one will ever be as mean to me as i am to myself there's a red impossible reddit called possibly yeah it post a picture of yourself. But that's like, what am I going to post a picture of my love handles? I'm not going to do that.

You're usually just a picture of your face. My face is not the problem, although it's not great either. Fuck. Flex. My face isn't the issue. But no,

comparatively speaking. No, no. The face is a dumpster fire The body is just A dead body In the dumpster fire So Anyway Tommyjohn.com

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