KFC Radio - Andrew Tate and the “Hustlers University" "Students" Are the Biggest Losers in the World Ft. JiaoYing Summers

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

- Boys will be boys - the day in the life of this stay-at-home-girlfriend will stress you out - Feits has a knew idea for a business: We Will Kill Your Dad TM - Love found on Mugshot Shawties by a KFC Radio listener - North West dresses up like Kanye with Kim - Miss Universe French contestant goes viral for the way she says "France" - Fat Man's club +++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 00:00:00 Boys will be boys 00:02:32 Beach Ball Boys: https://twitter.com/FeitsBarstool/status/1611467602802675712 00:04:41 Stay at home GF TikTok 00:19:02 We will k*ll your dad TM 00:28:47 Mugshot Shawties 00:42:19 North West dresses up like Kanye 00:45:33 Miss Universe French contestant goes viral 00:47:27 Fat Mans Club 00:50:25 Andrew Tate potentially in the hospital 00:56:33 Dana White Slap Saga continues 00:59:59 Noah Schnapp comes out as gay 01:01:32 Dave Portnoy went on The Joe Rogan Show 01:11:56 Jockstraps JiaoYing Summers: 01:49:57 Uncircumsized is making a comeback 01:53:04 Are girls smart? 01:54:48 Getting into standup 02:01:58 Buying a comedy club 02:07:58 What her parents think of her comedy careerYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Oh, speaking of, great news! It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We are fully back in action. A full week of the pod. We just had Trent on yesterday's episode talking all sorts of good shit. That was fun. That was just...

That was delightful. That was just boys being boys. Yeah, that was fun. I saw a couple girls... Talk about the old school car stereos really got me. That was some... Aftermarket fucking additions to your car. Fucking. for some reason

like why the fuck I don't even know I'm so bad at knowing what things cost like in my head that cost $10,000 it was probably like $300

$300 there's no way my parents would but at the time that was $10,000 yeah I got a couple DM

tweets from chicks being like we did that stuff too because I said on the podcast like do girls do any of this and I think DM tweets from chicks being like, we did that stuff too. Because I said on the podcast, do girls do any of this? I think I still haven't seen. I've seen girls who hung out with the guys and did it. The crew of girls do this shit. One of the best examples of that,

I think this actually perfectly leads into one of the things I was going to say today, was this weekend, the viral video. Not viral video, the video I tweeted. And it was just the boys watching the inflatable pool balls. Beach balls, beach balls, beach balls. And it was just like, I could do a 20 minute, like a 200 minute essay. You could break that down. Dude, like my favorite one, my favorite guy.

Wait, so like to set the scene, if you're not watching on YouTube, go watch on YouTube. But it's two smaller-sized beach balls being blown in the air by an air conditioner fan. And so they blow, like, in a circle, and they don't go too high. So they just stay, like, kind of levitating above the central air, like, fan. And there's, like, one, two, three, four, two three four five six like six or seven dudes all staring at it and you know they've all bet on it you know that someone's got like the rent on which ball is gonna fall first and my favorite guy is this guy walking towards it if you go back to the beginning paths he's just getting sucked in like a like yeah like tractor beam out there

skateboarding go even a little more earlier he's's skateboarding off that deck. He's doing things. Yeah, and he's like, whoa. And he's like, wait, wait, wait. What's going on over here? Hang on. What are the boys getting into over here? You know what's cooler than my tricks? This.

Beach balls. And he walks up, and the fellas welcome him. Like, hey, buddy, have yourself one. What do we got? Let's fucking go, dude. That guy walks over, and they go, what are we doing? And they go, we got beach balls. He goes, oh, OK, cool.

Yeah, sick, bro. And then it's just, this is actually perfectly like what the, like, this is clearly a fraternity. And when people, like, talk about, like, the traditional frat stuff, like, hazing and date raping. This is what goes on. This is mostly what a fraternity is. Like, yes, every now and then someone shoves a mustard bottle up someone's ass. But for the most part, we're watching the beach balls. It's not a perfect ecosystem.

There are flawed aspects of it, but mostly what happens is you stand in the courtyard shirtless. This is like a New England fraternity if I had to guess. Maybe a sweatshirt. You stand around and you do dumb shit. And you know what? This is proof positive that

girls ruined the world really when you think about it. Yeah, sure. If it was not for women, that would just be the world. There would be no wars. There would be no violence. There would be no wars if it was just women. If it was just men. If it wasn't for goddamn Helena Troy, this place would be different.

That's what I'm saying, dude. Dude, you do stuff like this. I don't know. It's not like we just sit around with feet or nails all day. No, you sit around and talk about boys all fucking day. That's literally it. I actually do believe her. I think her and her friends are stupid.

All girls are stupid. Oh, that's true, for sure. But girls being girls are so dumb. Are they? Well, here's the deal. So I saw this other clip this weekend. Pav, I just texted it to you. Bring it up.

You're going to have to watch this, Kevin. This is a woman. You know how TikTok is trying for stay-at-home girlfriends, what they do during the day? And most of them, it's just like they do. Oh, like meet me while my boyfriend closes his deals, me, blah, blah, blah. Drink water and do yoga, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this one is pause it, start from the beginning, and meet me while my boyfriend closes his deals, me, blah, blah, blah. Drink water and do yoga, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this one is pause it, start from the beginning, and give me volume on this.

You're going to need a lot of volume. Today was my first day as a stay-at-home girlfriend. It is. Stay-at-home girlfriend is... Today was my first day as a stay-at-home girlfriend. After a couple glorious years at home together, my boyfriend got a new job that he needs to go into the office for. I spent the day thinking about codependency and domesticity, about how weird it felt to be alone. I cleaned the same way we did together every day, but now it kind of felt like I was doing it for him. I

thought about how it would be nice for him to come home to a clean house, and then I felt weird about staying home and cleaning while he was at work, and then I played with the children in this disgusting Dobby toy that they love. I thought about the feminist wave in the late 20th century that moved women from the home into the office, and then I thought about how maybe that's what the capitalist system wanted all along. I thought about how my mother worked three jobs when I was a kid and then stayed home when my siblings were young and how she felt guilty both times. I dropped off some orders at the post office and thought about how no one really needs any more clothes. I thought about how cool and confident I felt in these sunglasses in the rain. I thought about how

running a small and ethical business was a radical act, and then I thought about the fact that I was a woman at home sewing while my partner was at work. I thought about the fact that fashion is so intertwined with capitalism that there would be no fashion industry without the exploitation of women, of migrant labor, and of racist colonial trade practices. I've been thinking about going on Shark Tank. I thought about how their money was going to be spent anyway, and I might as well have a say in where it goes. I thought about standing in front of them and pitching my business in terms of numbers and profits. I thought about my grandmother standing in front of the Anti-American Activities Committee in the 50s and refusing to name names. I thought about the women that send me pictures in my clothes on their birthdays and anniversaries.

Then I thought about how good it feels to get dressed in clothes you love. I thought about how I would like to be taken out for a nice dinner. I thought about how I missed my boyfriend. I thought about how exhausting it is to think like thought about how exhausting it is to think like this and how important it is to talk like this. I thought about all the women in the world who spend so much time alone with their thoughts. And I thought I'll probably think all of this again tomorrow because...

What a goddamn nightmare. Bro, I... Dude. That was the most upsetting video I've ever seen. Bro, so I... I 100% thought there was going to be a punchline at the end. No, no, no. That's just that girl's existence? That's what girls do.

I saw that clip on Sunday, and I so badly wanted to. I just don't know how to do these kind of things. I wanted to give a juxtaposition of what it's like inside my mind. Oh, my God. Here are the three things I did yesterday. Three whole things. At one point, I crawled around on my floor in my bedroom looking for my remote control while I sang,

Nobody want to see us together Cause it don't matter, no. And it was just because I couldn't find my remote and I was singing a song to my remote. Then I watched the Patriots mindlessly and i fell asleep a little bit then i took a shower and i did that thing where i just kind of sit like this and i watched water pour off my penis and i giggled and then i ate a sandwich and i sang again where i went turkey and cheese turkey and cheese turkey and cheese hot sauce and mustard i love love it. I love it.

That was my day yesterday where you compare those two things. I thought. They're not very similar. That was not a joke. No, dude. Right off the bat, the first thing when she's like, I thought about domesticity and whatever, I was like, oh, boy. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, as far as I know. I absolutely thought that was going to be like at the end like a sex joke or the boy walks in and it's a joke or that is just that girl's life.

That's her existence. It is. It's a nightmare out here. Nightmare. And I don't even, I don't want to draw the line that it's male versus female. I am a particularly dumb male. So like, yeah, most people probably didn't crawl on the floor and sing Akon. Bro, I don't know. I think you're pretty average.

It is. What I do on a daily basis versus what that girl does. We're not even the same species. No, we literally are. But like, we're not. We're just... Light years. You know what? We might not be the same. There might be...

One of us is more evolved than the other. I mean, I'd venture to guess it's them. But honestly, don't you think? Pretty tough to make the argument for myself after what I just said. I wonder, like, I think the difference between you and, like, I would say us. I'll say, I mean, Pabs is certainly as dumb as you are. I think we're all dumb. I would say we're all dumb, right? Probably. Maybe you're a little more dumb. I don't us. I'll say, I mean, Pabs is certainly as dumb as you are. I think we're all dumb. I would say we're all dumb, right?

Probably. Maybe you're a little more dumb. I don't know. Right? Like, the difference between that girl to you versus you to a monk. Think about it. No, think about it. What is a monk?

Like, we're talking brain activity, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a strong case of monk. I'm saying, like, no, no. We're talking brain activity, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like. Oh, there's a, there's a. Oh, okay, it's a monkey. I'm saying, like, no, no. I will give you. We're talking brain activity? Like, how, how often he's thinking and figuring out what to do? Yeah.

He might beat you. He probably beats me. Because you're a monkey with everything being easy to you. I'm a monkey. You're a monkey with no, like, he doesn't have to worry about money or anything like that. Yeah, I'm a privileged monkey. Yeah, you're a privileged monkey. That's all you are.

Like, a monkey at least is like, I got to find some food. I got to watch out for, like, the fucking poisonous snake. I got to worry about. I'm a monkey with a house. Yeah. You have, your food is, like, prepared for you. Hello, Fred. I prepared myself.

You don't have to worry about, like, you're not in danger. And you, yeah, you have a shelter. Like, monkeys have to worry about things at least. A monkey has to know where he's going to sleep every night. Right. And you know. I don't have that thought. I don't know where's my food coming from.

And a monkey probably could build a shelter if he needed to. You drop you and a monkey, just go, I'll put my money in the monkey. Oh, survival. That survival was never in question. I'm talking brain. How much does he think? Yeah.

Way more than me. Way more. But even let much does he think? Yeah. Way more than me. Way more. But even let's say, let's say that monkeys aren't. Like, let's, what if we, if a doctor or scientist says, like, no, no, no, it really isn't like that. They're pretty simple. I would still think, I'd still think you're closer to that monkey than that girl. For sure, bro. Like, because that girl, that, you.

I haven't had that many fucking thoughts. In, like, my whole life. In 2022, I did not have that many thoughts. No doubt. I mean, that is. That is got to be. That seems like a disease. I'm so stupid.

You hear those stories about diseases where your ears ring all the time. Yeah, yeah. And I would kill myself if I had that disease. Where you hear like a it's like you're allergic to noise or light and things like that where I'm like, oh my god, I could never exist like that. I would have to just end my life. If that was my brain every day, I would kill myself.

It is the I don't have the brain, the mental capacity to even make that video, let alone have those thoughts. If I wanted to sit down and, like, script it all out, by the fourth camera change, I'd be out again. This is crazy. Yeah. And we kind of just talked about it before this, where, like, I can't do that, like,

film myself existing thing. Like, where it's just, like, she had it, like, she's like, here's me reading a book. Because that's how little you do. Like, I don't know. But I'll tell you what, you should do it. Try for like a day. Feel myself exist? Yeah.

Bro, come on. Bro. Dude. Bro, come on. Dude. I don't know if I have that. Like, like, like. I don't have, I don't have the.

What's a legit. Go get it-ness. What's a legit. Okay, I mean like truly that was your day? Sunday? Yeah, like there was no, nothing in between. I didn't legit... I mean, like, truly, that was your day? Sunday? Yeah, like, there was no... Went outside to get street tacos at about 7 p.m. I was going to say, yeah, did you get...

You went out to get anything? You just got food? Like, literally... Otherwise... Tacos or rabes. I just found out about these. I've tweeted about this Mexican truck before. It's the best Mexican food in...

This would be your day. That would be the video. So I went out and got this... I went out and got a couple of tacos. You guys know about Tacos Orabes? It's the best place in the world I tweeted about this It's really good

But it's underrated It's not It's not a place Tacos Orabes are just A type of taco Yeah This is a Mexican food truck This

It would be your video No you guys are getting it wrong It's not a place It's just a style It's a guy who just gives it to you And then you eat it Dude they do flour It's a flour tortilla

Which we like Let's go It's a flour tortilla But it's wrapped up like a burrito, but it's the amount of stuff in a taco. Burrito's too big. Agreed. Taco Arabe is like this.

That's the missing link. That's what I've been waiting for my whole life. I'm sure people who, I don't know, regularly Mexican food or whatever are- Mexicans. Mexicans, people in California, people who like, I don't know if it's a Mexican food truck thing or a Mexican thing, but I don't know if it's an Americanized kind of deal. You know what I mean? It's like General Tso's chicken is a real thing. But tacos or rabes?

You're from California. What the fuck was that noise? That was agreement. That was agreement? I can't hear. I'm buzzing. I can't hear myself. Duh.

You'll know when you're editing the podcast. Disagreement? I can't hear. I'm buzzing. I can't hear myself. Duh. I thought if I had to guess. You'll know when you're editing the podcast. You'll be like, what the fuck? Bro, if I had to guess, I would have thought that was a disagreement. Yeah. She went, nah. That was just like an 80-year-old dad at a sitcom. Duh.

Like a cow belling. Nah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so do you know what they are? No. She fucking did it again. I'm kidding. No, I don't know what they are? No. She fucking did it again. I'm kidding. No, I don't know what they are.

No? All right, so tacos or rabes? They're the missing link. Corn tortillas didn't do it. Burritos are too big for me. Tacos or rabes, I get about three, four a night now. You are the missing link in evolution, and they are the missing link in tacos. You are the gap between man and monkey.

Yeah. That's why you have that nose in your face like a monkey like a primate you know like an asshole um i i like if if i don't know if you can stop that but like i feel like most girls are are doing that but but with boys and relationships, and then other people's relationships. That was particularly... I don't think every girl sits around thinking about the femininity of the world being ruined by the patriarchy. But I think most of it is their boyfriend and or relationship situation,

their friend's boyfriend situation, the celebrity gossip situations, and, like, maybe that's it. I don't know. But if the constant, like... It would be hellish. It would be just like a smoke alarm constantly going off. Oh.

Someone here's got to stop living. Seriously. I got to stop that brain. I mean, there was that study, not study, but whatever, like it went viral like a week or two ago that only 50% of the population have the internal monologue, right? And you said. What's an internal monologue? So I think as I understand it.

Enough out of you. No, that's. I know what it is. But I'm not. I'm not. I talk to myself, but I'm not. A monologue to me is like a constant thing. When I'm watching TV, I'm like focusing on the show, right?

Yeah. Or like I'm distracted, so I'm on my phone or whatever. I'm reading those things. Like, is it? Like, I don't have a monologue being like. I have like. I have a very clear voice. A voice.

Talking all the time. Talking all the time. What is it? To say to you, like, I pick up the water, and I drink the water, and then I look at Jackie, and I say... No, no, no, no, no. But it's like, well, do we think like this? Like, oh, like, I don't know.

It's like a clear... It's like a conversation in my head. Nick has the same thing. So you'll be... I was staring at you, and you got halfway through that. I mean, that was the worst description. My brain just went to white noise. I think if I had to guess that Feidelberg has just a hamster running in a wheel going on in his brain.

I have a narrator. You have a narrator. I have a narrator. You speak to yourself as a third person? Yeah, it's always Pabst. Really, bro? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't do that. like Pabst you speak to yourself as a third person yeah it's always Pabst yeah really bro yeah I don't do that

nah dude you call yourself Pabst in your own head yeah Pabst loves this Pabst is gonna get a sandwich Pabst loves this sandwich Pabst baby

that's what inside your head sounds like Pabst is killing this right now is there other words of encouragement or like negative talk. Yeah, like Pav sucks. Boy, Pav's blew it.

Pav's got a fresh fit on right now. Shut up, bro. No way. I mean, I'll be thinking like, I mean, this is why I can't be like left alone with my thoughts. Like I'll just, I start thinking about all the bad things in life, and I'll just be like, oh, man, that sucks. And like, that's not good. And I got to fix that.

And what about this thing? And oh, I need money, and I need to do, you know, like all the, I stress. To me, that's just like stressing about things. Yeah, I would imagine so. But like in your. I say we in my head. Like, I guess it's similar. I'll be like, oh, we fucked this up.

Or like, oh, we did this. Dude, you guys both have split personalities. I love thinking that Jackie has almost like a little thing on her shoulder like we. My mother and sister full-blown talk to themselves. We'll be in the kitchen putting things away

and I just hear them talking. I'm like, what did you say? Not even just whispering. Okay, wait a minute. I got my doctor appointment at 12. Like, we'll be in the kitchen, like, putting things away, and I just hear them talking. And I'm like, what did you say? And they're like, I'm just talking to myself. Like, full, not even just whispering, like, okay, wait a minute. I got my doctor appointment at 12, and then I got to get to, you know, like, maybe you do that. Full fucking talking out loud. Yeah, I don't do that. What is wrong with you dumb bitches?

I don't, I don't, I don't do that. Yeah. I don't know how your kid is. But wouldn't it be great. I don't do any, I am different from all of you. Wouldn't it be great to be able to plug into everybody else for a day? Like, you just, like, you suit up. You're like, and then you're Pav.

And you're like, what up, Pavs? Let's do this, baby. Like, all right, Pavs, get in the car. Pav's got a fresh fit on, man. Pav's hungry. You're almost like playing a video game. You're playing a video game is what you're doing. It's like Assassin's Creed.

You ever play that game where it's like a simulation?'s you press a x yeah yeah but but like the whole thing is like it's actually like a dream sequence that you're in it's like so it's like okay like level one i've got to get to like work today i've got to get to work today i've got to do this work and then you know paths gets the bonus like that's the goal let Let's go, Pavs. Then you jump into fucking Feidelberg's voice and brain. It's just... Not all the time. Not all the time.

Then you get into Jackie's voice and brain. She's just going, we suck. Fuck. We did it again. We fucked it up. We did it again. I put my brain to use sometimes. I did come up with a... did come up with a business idea. Oh, did you?

Yeah. Pretty good one. Now, what's funny as you say that, I know most of the audience is probably laughing, thinking, well, what could it be? You're not. Your business ideas are good. Nope, not on this one. Okay.

Okay. Never mind. Oversold it. Oversold it. Oversold it so hard. Okay. I mean, it's a good idea. It's an impossible idea, I admit.

We're going to have to have a lot of changes with the country before this kind of thing can really happen. Okay. I have this idea. You hire someone to kill your dad. What? Not right away. Not right away. It is just like, so I was talking kill your dad. Not right away. Not right away. It is just like

so I was talking to my dad and this is going back to like I spent like a week and a half, two weeks home and I've seen my family a lot. No, no, no, no, not that. I don't want to be misconstrued. It's not for any time. I'm not going to be having it anytime soon, but it became very clear to me Not to be misconstrued. It's not for any time. It's not going to be happening any time soon.

But it became very clear to me in talking this weekend and what I saw over the holidays that this man, and he's a very normal man. I think most men are like him. This man will not survive once my mom dies. Right. So it's a service where if my mom gets mercy killing my mom gets sick he gets he gets coming with the we'll kill your dad for it yeah because it's gonna be so sad you know what the company should be called okay we'll call you we'll kill your dad yeah okay yeah yeah

it is bro like it is it's a bad scene like dude he was he had my mom coming over turn on the ipad fucking not turn on the ipad fucking not turn on the ipad fucking getting the wi-fi connected and stuff like that i'm like bro yeah it's not getting any better yeah this is just gonna get harder for you yeah like you're gonna get older and less capable dude i i i got to uh providence when i was coming home and i was like yo i'm on my way home my mom my mom wasn't home the first weekend i was home home for the holidays. And I was like, hey, have you eaten yet? And he was like, actually, I haven't eaten today. I was like, I'm going to get a pizza.

Do you want some? And he's like, yeah. Might as well get one for lunch tomorrow, too. Just stack up now. I was like, dude, you're not going to live. You're not going to survive're not like what you should have i think it would be men men have once domesticated men have no survival skills once the wife is out i think what do you think's better you have like a guy who does like a house

call like he shows up like almost like takes his little kit with him and he's like a sniper or something like all right i gotta show up to you know one two three main street there's a there's a there's a widower there like and just like through that or what if you have one of these like james bond villain type things you have an implant in your brain that's connected to her heartbeat and oh when her heartbeat stops your head just goes i like that idea and then you're just dead yeah yeah that's that's like mission impossible that yeah yeah that idea. And then you're just dead. Yeah. Yeah. That's like Mission Impossible. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's like MI3. Right. Just like, you know, keep this woman alive and she, she keeps you alive. The moment you die, I die. Just. And then it's like wherever. But also that shit would get pretty sexy pretty quick where I'm like, I'm eating myself a

steak and like she'll have a salad. Keep this bitch healthy. Really? You're going to have more? You're going to do that? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah I mean yeah that's

that seems fair it is dude I mean an old an old fucking widower that's just depressing dude that dude wants to die I think it depends on

I think they want like maybe to stay alive for like a month and be like that bitch is gone let me let me run wild a little bit.

And then they'll probably kill themselves. They won't live the month. They won't live the month. Yeah. But then that's what I mean. Like, so let me live my month. I'll probably end up dead.

And if I don't, you come seal the deal. I think it would be so great to hit him with the, the no country from old men thing. Yeah. Yeah. Puts a hole through your whole brain. Dude,

we were talking about like with my mom, we were like, what are you going to do when dad, like, what are you guys going to do when dad retires? And she just goes, I hope that never happens. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, we have a good relationship, but I see him enough. My dad retired for one day. He did the Tom Brady.

He retired on a Thursday and went to a new job on Monday. And he's been doing it ever since. He says to me all the time, he'll be like, are you going in tomorrow? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, oh, can I come with you? I'm like, sure. You guys ride in together? Sometimes.

And then I'm like, where are you doing? He's like, we're in the car. He's like, I'll figure it out on the way. We just got to get away. You know what he did to me? I love this move. This move was altogether awesome and depressing. And my mom will never hear this.

He will. He listens. was altogether awesome and depressing uh and my mom will never hear this he will he listens but he hit like two numbers on powerball which is like 500 bucks and he was like can you cash that for me and and get the cash because it like they buy their tickets together and she always checks so he took that one and gave it to me was like just give me the 500 bucks because otherwise every all their accounts are together all their spending is together so he's just give me the 500 bucks. Because otherwise, all their accounts are together, all their spending is together. So he's just going to go spend 500 bucks on booze and whatever else.

And it was funny. So he told me that. I was like, yeah, sure. Whatever, man. I'm cool. Smuggle this money for you. And then I was leaving their apartment and he had a stack of lottery tickets and I forgot. And I go, hey, do we win Mega Millions?

He slips me the ticket. I hope your dad wins Mega Millions and just runs off. So do I. But again, he just died. So does my mom. I can't decide who would die first, my mom or my dad. Oh, really? Mine's a very clear-cut situation.

I think, no, no, that's what's funny about them is they just hate each other like poison. But I think they would both die really quickly without the other yeah yeah you know and that it's pretty romantic do all that's like that's romance at 67 with all older people where it gets to like the uh the stage where like the wife dies the husband dies and the other one dies shortly thereafter yeah so romantic the dad of a broken heart no he died of starvation he was fucking

he doesn't have any apps on his phone he didn't know how to order food he doesn't know how to cook food he's been married since fucking 82 he's been married since he was 21 years old

he's never learned how to cook no that my dad would die from that sort of shit my mom would die from like he like takes her places and goes and does things for her.

She's not as capable physically, and he's not as capable mentally and physiologically, if you will. So they would both just be dead. It's going to be interesting to see who goes first. We'll do the kill your parent. I'll kill your parent. But I agree that it would be mostly a dad thing. It's your dad, dude. We'll kill your dad for you. Because your dad also wants also wants to die yeah your mom might want to stay alive you could do a commercial with this the widow widow plays widowers like right old widowers

killing women not in 2022 2023 whatever year it's not this climate um can't go around killing old women the uh well you got like a commercialist this where it's just a guy sadly staring in front of the microwave. It's like the little plastic bowl of mac and cheese. We call it the gas station. That's in the order of chef, we order it there. And he's just staring at it as it spins. There's a TV playing in the background, but he can't figure out how to change the channel. Nope.

Because it's all apps now. Dude, my dad is with an Apple TV. Forget about it it's just it's just that fucking uh shot like this sky the sky shot like it's like a drone shot of like cities that changes that's all it's playing on tv it's all he knows how to put on i'm just describing scenes i've seen absolutely my. My dad has an Apple TV remote, which in his defense, like, they got, remotes just got rid of, like. Everything. Everything. The descriptions of what things are, too.

Like, fast forward used to be an arrow that pointed backwards. And now it's, like, it's the left-hand part of the circle. Right, right, right. Which is, like, we intuitively pick it up, but, like, they don't. We have an Apple TV. We have that remote. You think he has any, like, fucking clue what he's doing on there? Yeah, right, right. Which is like, we intuitively pick it up, but like, they don't. We have an Apple TV. We have that. You think he has any fucking clue

what he's doing? Yeah, no fucking shot. They've had that for two years now. I go home every day. Every time I go home, I go, He doesn't know how to rewind.

He doesn't know how to get out to just watch cable. Explain to him it's a touchscreen. Yeah, right. Explain to your dad the remote control is a touchscreen.

He doesn't know what you're talking about. Dude, I would just love to see that scene of, like, you're at the funeral, let's say, like, right away. And it's just, like, you know, you say your final prayers and then just. And, like, there's some guy who's just, like, he's taking apart the sniper. And he's like, okay, we're done here. Just drive off, you know. No, he doesn't drive off.

He just waits at the funeral home for the next one. I've got a 2 o'clock and a 3.30. Can we kill some time in between that? I'll kill your dad for you. TM. We own that shit. The new Craigslist dad. Like, I think sniper probably is the most realistic way to do it.

Yeah, I wanted to be quick and painless. If there's anybody who can do the bomb, attach the heartbeat, that's pretty cool. But I think if you are an ex- military sniper, you've come back from your duty, you're looking to re-assimilate. Yeah, you don't want to go work for Blackwater or whatever it's called, right? What's it called?

Black something? Yeah, whatever. Oh, Blackwater is in a movie. State of play Play I believe but it's something along those lines yeah I think

that's the perfect in between of like you still get to kill people get that itch satisfy that but you're doing good

these guys are insurance salesmen so you're all set you're not in any danger come on yeah no one's ever going to fight back they're not

and if they do know it's coming they welcome it thank god I couldn't eat Chef Boyardee one more time put me out of my misery No one's ever going to fight back. And if they do know it's coming, they welcome it. Thank God. I couldn't eat Chef Boyardee one more time. Put me out of my misery. I'll kill your dad for you.

Love it. Today on the show, we have an interview with? Zhao Ying Summers. Zhao Ying Summers. So that's on the show. We'll get into voicemails. We got a shit ton of topics to run through for One Minute Man. Before that, though, romance is in the air on the internet, and it's coming in the form of Mugshot Shorties.

If you're not familiar with Mugshot Shorties, it's a Twitter account that posts the hottest mugshots in the world um it is staggering how many hot chicks commit crimes like very hot chicks hot chicks they're just like us they there are many many girls who have many have many mugshots ranging from reckless with the vehicle to double murder. Some of these things go hard. If you haven't followed the account, it's shawty. It's shawty, like S-H-A-W-T. But, um, there, if you scroll through, you know, these are like the Lindsay, like the best of the Lindsay Lohan's. Uh, but there are some absolute

dimes on there. And one girl, um, was recently posted and this guy wrote underneath it. He replied to it and said, would. And that girl in the mugshot followed up with him and said, would you? With like the little crying emoji that's like, Is this dude hot? Yeah.

I'll show you in a second. That's not like the most, like, I gotta reply to this tweet. Yeah, no. So his name's's Mark he's a KFC radio listener Of course he's hot Yeah and so He said yo is this you? Cause yes yes I would

She said yeah it's me And he said when am I taking you out She said you tell me And he said come to New York And I'll clear my schedule I gotta be honest here And he's a KFC radio listener, so I'm going to be gentle. Oh, yeah, he's a handsome man.

Yeah, he's a ginger, but he's got a great jaw and good head of hair. He's not a gross ginger. No, no, this is a handsome guy. He's like a Wall Street douchebag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, for sure. And he knows that. Definitely. I'm not impressed with the game.

I think that's his Twitter picture. It's the Twitter picture that did that. And also, what's his name? Mark. Mark. You got to go to her, I feel like. Right? When you're looking to woo a lady.

He's a top G. He's one of these guys who's like, women are my property. No, he, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't think I would go down to Georgia. Go to Georgia all the time. Noonan.

Noonan. Great spot. Only 45 minutes from the airport. Jackie? When are you free? At It's Mark Moran. One of his tweets is. Oh, I still get tricked by Blue Track Mark. God damn it.

Yeah, no, he's fake. Oh, wow. All right. That by blue track marks. God damn it. Yeah, no, he's fake. It's Legacy. Oh, wow. All right. That's interesting. So we already had it. You have 100 followers? 60,000. Oh.

Oh. I just can't read. Oh, me neither. Okay. So, yeah, I don't know. He's something. If you scroll down a little more, he made this video with her. That one right there.

So this is kind of an update of where they're at. Now, brace yourself for that voice. I did not see that coming. I don't know why. Who are we here with? You look rather familiar. Maybe from the internet? Yeah, maybe from Mug Shoddies.

Mug Shoddies. I thought she was fucking Australian. Was she in Georgia? Mug Shoddies. I can't. Mug Shoddies. It's either Georgia or Alabama. Mug Shoddies. I can't. Mug shouties. It's either Georgia or Alabama. Mug shouties.

I can't. Why can't I do a fucking. Vidalia, Georgia. So anyway, they are. She's going to come up to New York and they are supposed to go on a date. This is, you know, basically like a fly in, fly out sort of thing. I would imagine. I would.

I would be guessing just the nature of this, KFC Radio fans, her, him, fly in, fly out, mugshot shorties, whole thing. I would imagine this is going to be a romantic tale. You think they're going to have sex? I think they're going to fuck. Yeah? That's what I'm saying, yeah. I've been on one of these dates before, one of these viral dates. I am fucked.

You went on a viral date? Yeah, dude. When? Way back in the day, bro. With who? I forget her name. That's rude of me, but I do. Bro, you remember this one? Was it the Pats game? Was it like a Pats-Chiefs game, I think? Yes. Was it Pats-Chiefs, like, first round of the playoffs, maybe?

Second round? I forget. It was Prima Holmes, I think. Yeah. So it was... Oh, it was definitely Prima Holmes. Yeah, it was like eight years ago. Yeah, long time ago. But why was it Chiefs in the playoffs eight years ago? I'm pretty sure it was a playoff game. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was, Oh, definitely. Yeah. It's like eight years ago. Yeah. Long time. But why would the cheese in the house eight years ago? I'm pretty sure the playoff. And maybe, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is a regular season game,

but I went to, my question was going to be, would you go on a viral internet date? And there's your answer. Don't ask your dog. I, it's a fun one to check off. Yeah.

I, it was like, I replied to like her Craigslist ad or something like that. And then we went and it wasn't like, it was before Barstow, like camera crew, like, but like, it was just like herool had camera crews. There was no camera. But it was just her and her crew.

It was a good time. But I went home alone afterwards. Yeah. Was that your choice, her choice, mutual choice? I think it was just like we were having fun. We all understood the absurdity of it and the weirdness of it. It was like her crew lost a ticket. Someone bailed out.

We had their ticket. And then it was like a joke on her. So that's what I mean. That was like a, we lost this ticket. Hey, you know, hey, blogger I like, do you want to come? And you happen to say yes and whatever, right? No, I didn't get asked. It was a Craigles ad.

I replied to a Craigles ad. Oh, okay. They didn't know who I was. Oh, so that's then totally different. This is like, I found you on the internet. I think you're fucking hot. You know, would you fuck me? Like, yes, let's get internet. I think you're fucking hot. You know, would you fuck me? Like, yes, let's get together.

That's very different than, like. Dude, those are, I'll tell you what, those are the ones I fail at the most. When it's, like, supposed to be a lock? When shit's on lock? Yeah. That's when your boy drops off. Oh, dude. Dude, when it's on lock, no chance, dude.

Anytime, anything. Because I feel like when it's so locked that i feel presumptuous yeah even attempting i agreed i like dude like when i'm in a relationship i don't have sex fucking never when i'm in a relationship i don't have sex fucking never no when you're in a relationship it is almost comical to be like do do you want to fuck? Right, right, right. Because it should just happen. And when it doesn't, you're like, what do I have to woo you or something? Just go to bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's nothing weird. We're literally in bed in our underpants next to each other. I'm like, well, that'd be a little much. There's nothing weirder than being in bed with a person you're dating, and, like, your dick is hard, and you're like, we're supposed to have sex now, but, like, I don't know. Does she want to?

Like, she's got to get up early in the morning. I don't know. Right. That's what you just do. And then you just, yeah, well, then it's like, yeah, ordinarily I would just, oh, you're going to do the poke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do the poke.

Or like, oops, the sheets fell off. Look at it. It's a boner. Or you put the tent up. You know what I mean? You just have the fucking. Well, I sheets fell off. Look at it. It's a boner. Or you put the tent up. You know what I mean? I sleep with one leg out. It's easy to get the other one around.

Yeah. Yeah. What's that? Is that a penis? What's that doing here? Gotta do something about this, right? Yeah, no. That is so true it's almost it's almost better i'd rather work with less like like i'd rather have to like come from behind victory

you know what i mean like like you're not even thinking i had it happen saturday night the the i turned down sex straight up like you you had to say no? I was like, I'm out. I'll see you later. And you were in a bedroom? No, no, no, no. You're at a bar. We were out. And it was like, this is definitely going to go down.

And you said, I will see you later. It was the most locked lock of all times, Kevin. Like a fucking, dude, a fucking vault. It was, it was, I'm trying to make a lock noise But I can't make a lock I was going to make a catch It's the acorn lock The jail cell

So you made it too It's a clink It's a clink Whatever it is It was it And I was like, no. No. I hold the power here.

I mean, like, no. I said, I just put my jacket on. I was like, I'm going to leave. She went, wait, why? Wait, why are you going to leave? And this is, wait, this is a bar or a residence? A bar. Okay.

And we had been talking a lot, and it was a bar. And I was like, I had been told by multiple people in the party being like, yeah. And I was like, all right, maybe we'll see. And then I just, I was tired, and I just didn't feel like doing it anymore. And I was like, all right, I'm going to leave. And she was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't leave. And I was like, no, I'm going to leave.

And she went, wait, but why are you leaving? I went, because I want to. I want to. Attractive, like, very attractive person. The whole, like, there's... What's wrong with you? You just didn't want to fuck, or was something wrong? It was, no, no, like, it was... It was, I don't know. It was just,

it was an attractive person, and it was, it was, it was like 3.30 in the morning, and I hadn't really been drinking, so I was just fucking exhausted. Yeah. And I thought, I've hadn't really been drinking, so I was just fucking exhausted. And I thought, I've never really experienced this. I thought I might have sleepy dick. Yeah, sleepy dick. I'm so tired, my dick's going to go to sleep.

Do you think that's a thing? I was concerned about it. Sleepy dick. It was like 3.30, 4 o'clock in the morning. I think if you're sober and you get into bed, even if you're sleepy, your dick will wake up. You think so? But I do understand the fear of sleepy dick. I think your dick would be like, that ain't a thing, bro.

We're good to go. You know, like in the moment. Because I was sleepy. I don't know if my dick was sleepy. Bro, everybody knows that your dick operates completely independently of the rest of your brain. I know, but it's still one of those things. It's like, my brain's not horny.

Well, my dick is. What if the first time I go home with a girl? We didn't exchange numbers like that, so I'll probably never see her again. What if the first time I take a girl home? Sleepy day. I can't fucking. My excuse is like, sorry. I'm just asleep.

My penis is really tired. He had a long day. He's all tuckered out. My weirdo guy is tuckered out. He's a weirdo sweepy. He needs to get his 10 hours. So I guess that's my internal monologue. Go ahead.

Bro, if we go home with this, we're going to fall asleep. You see Pavs' fit, though? Imagine Pavs' internal monologue. Pavs' dick is not going to do this. Pavs' dick is too sleepy. I think sleepy dick is something. Have you ever worried about sleepy dick, Paps? Sleepy dick?

No. Yeah, you're too young. Have you ever been out at like 4 a.m. fucking pretty sober, though? No. No. Yeah. I still love his reaction.

No. I think if you are already, if you are preemptively worried about your dick not working it's probably not going to work right whether it's sleepy drunk nervous whatever if you're already thinking it's a mind it's mind over matter sort of thing yeah you start grabbing under the table you're like well it's awake right now no you know what i do is i do like a kegel yeah if i if i can move my dick with my mind like that, then I'm good. Otherwise, it's like, no, he's too sleepy. That's more drunk.

It's like, okay, I can't even make it jump. It's not going to work. Because there are times where I'm like willing the blood into it. Come on. Yeah, yeah. Get in there. At my age, it's like you got to like force all your blood in there. You don't have to get blood into something.

You have to choke it. Yeah. Helicopter it. And then you have that like 10 second window to get it into something. Otherwise, I think it all rushes back out. It's almost like the tides. That's what I'm saying. That's when you gotta pinch it, right? Then you get it in

and then it starts to feel good and your blood's like, okay, we'll stay here. But if something goes wrong, your blood retreats back to the ocean again. And it's like, well, never mind. Forget about it. I had sleepy dick. Sleepy dick is maybe the most ridiculous thing I've heard. So anyway, maybe he'll have sleepy dick.

Maybe this will be more of a platonic thing. We shall see. But the mugshot shorties girl and her suitor, Mark, will be going on a date in February, and we will chronicle the romance, if you will. We'll see how it goes down. I look forward to talking to them. What's her name again?

Her name is, I think she just goes by Fal. Fal? Fal, if it doesn't work out with Mark, call me between the hours of noon and 6 p.m. Let me know when. Holler at me when I am wakey-wakey. Let me get some sleep tonight. Let me get some coffee in me, and then we can go.

It reminds me of the time we had. Remember we had that accidental threesome that we uncovered on the voicemails? Me and you. Jesus Christ. No, remember we had a girl call in and be like, I had a threesome once in 2008 with this guy and this girl, we had a girl call in and be like i had a threesome once in like 2008 with this guy and this girl and then the girl called in and was like i think i was

the other girl yes yes and that and they both were like cheating or whatever it was that was fucking wild so anytime we can chronicle uh the sex lives of the weirdo listeners it usually turns out good so we'll let you know where the mugshot shorties end up uh after their date in in february um all right one minute man let's get into it we got to run through our topics uh first up northwest is going viral making videos using a filter that makes her look exactly like kanye um kim is in a couple videos with her where they're like singing to like kanye songs particularly bound to which kind of is an awkward one, but Kim's in it, and she looks like... Oh, this is a filter?

I think so, right? I thought it was in makeup. No? Makeup? It's like sharp. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, okay. Wait, North is a guy or a girl? A girl.

Girl, okay. Very good makeup, then. Okay, so she's putting on makeup to look like Kanye, and acting the part. Do they have their own TikTok? Does she have her own TikTok with all her children or just North? I don't know. Just North.

Kim and North. What? That's got to be. That's the story. What are you talking about? Those other kids being like, how about I get my fucking followers up? What's going on? Well, North's older.

I don't think they have the others for a lot of time. Social media? So is she going to have Kim and Saint, Kim and Chicago, Kim and North, Kim and... Oh, okay. No, Saint's six. Six isn't that different. Kim and Psalm would suck. Psalm two and a half.

Psalm is the worst name ever because you got to be like, Psalm. Is it just Psalm? Like, what's up, Psalm? It's definitely Psalm. But just Psalm is like... It's up, Psalm? It's definitely Psalm. But just Psalm is like. It's a word. I know. It's like, how do you pronounce this word?

Wait, is it pronounced? No, it's pronounced. If you just say it, it sounds like you're saying Sam with a weird accent. That's what I mean. It's like, it doesn't feel like you're saying the word Psalm. Psalm. Ugh. Anyway, so kind of weird considering, you know, like he's had his Nazi meltdown

and he's like, yeah, someone did that Saturday night actually, uh, before I met him. Uh, no, someone just took over the touch to like only Kanye for like two hours. It's pretty funny. I don't think he's on that level of like, I mean, maybe when you're doing exclusively Kanye, it is's more of them like dancing together and doing other kanye songs and shit um i mean it's like that's her dad so cool but also just timing not great if she did this like six months ago a year ago like okay it's weird no matter what i think i mean he's been in the middle of a mental breakdown for quite some time.

Also, the song, like, Bound, I think is, huh? Yeah, like, it's a sexual song, kind of. So it's, like, not sexual, but it's, like, about an adult relationship. So your daughter doing it. But I don't know if it's your daughter. It's, like, this is my mom and dad's song. They just play by such different rules but I do think it would be weird if your daughter

like prepubescent daughter is doing that kind of shit I don't think it's weird for a regular person yeah after that give you something step back can't get spunk on the thing now if those lyrics were directly in the video we'd have a different problem.

But, like, it's just, I think it's weird for us in the Kardashian world. It's like, whatever. We play by our own rules. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah, I don't think anything of this. I think more of the two hours of it on a Touch Toons. We had the Miss Universe competition. Did you see this video? Yeah, it didn't

do it for me. Are you kidding me? Dude, I thought... Yeah, I didn't get it. You didn't get it? It's just the last one. No, I know. Skip to the end. I mean, yo, that chick. She just bombs her moment. She just yelled at everyone.

She bombed. She pulled a Jackie Honk in bombs her moment. She bombs. She pulled a Jackie honk in her big moment. I watched this full video and I was very disappointed. The full video is stupid. The full video needs to be 10 seconds long. Just do the E's and the F's. That girl, they are all

sitting there waiting and they need to just like rep for their country and she bombs but she just says france and a french accent ah i guess i don't know that that that's how french people sound i don't know the people french will sound ridiculous but i think she's just that is uh I don't know. I don't think other French people sound like that. Shout out to Latinas.

Latin Americans brought the house down. El Salvador! Colombia! That's how they sound. I think a regular French person would hit the ah instead of the ants. It's not France, it's France, but it's not. I mean, it sounded like a goose. It sounded like a dying goose honking.

It was borderline Jackie's honking noise. This kind of went viral in the Twitter circles. The Fat Man Club from the early 1900s. Never have I ever wanted to be a part of something more than the Fat Man Club to the turn of the century.

You're barely in it, bro. You have one week and you're out. 200 pounds, I'm in. Yeah, but you're barely in. This is the problem. That was very funny when he said, now let's compete on Sundays. That picture right there is the gambling game. You could put Doug's tank and five other guys on there.

I felt like it was particularly obese this weekend for some reason is the gambling game. I see. I mean, the gambling game. You could put, like, Doug's tank and, like, five other guys on there. The gambling game. I felt like it was particularly obese this weekend for some reason. The gambling game? Yeah. I don't know. I think it was because there were less small people. You had to balance it out.

It was just all fat. It was just all fat. Yeah. This 200 pounds is by far. I do think you have to take into account 1904. I think 200 pounds is probably equivalent to, like, 250 now. Yeah. So that matters. But it's an insult.

Because all those dudes are weighing in or looking in heavy. But they're all 5'3". Exactly. So I think if I showed up to the Fat Man's Club, they would sit on me and like, get out of here, skinny bitch. But the Fat Man's, it was just called the Fat Man's Club of New York in 1904. You had to be 200 pounds it was a dollar due you had to pay one dollar of your dues to get in and there was a handshake and a password dying to know what the fat man password was i hope that was i hope i hope you had to do like a jiggly jiggly jiggly you put your bellies. And then the password has to be like...

The password's probably like... What was that? It's just that you have to get out of a chair. If you do it silently, you're out. It can be any kind of noise. It can be a fart. It can be a burp. It can be whatever.

But there has to be a bodily emission. It's got to be the France noise. These guys all look so awesome with their pocket watches connected over their fat, too. And they wear those vests that the buttons are, like, popping off. Oh, man. Look at these fat beauties. Wait. Are those guys overrated?

That's a good crop. That's a good crop right there. Is that guy in blackface? What is going on here? What is that face about? That's his hair. His hair's slicked down. He looks tan, bro.

Those guys are awesome. Oh, look at that one guy peeking over the Fat Man's shoulder. There was one that looked like Frankie. No, no, no. To the right. Yeah, that guy. He looks creepy. Yeah, he's got his eyes.

Yeah, he's like. Ooh. They go to the left. There's a Borelli in there. Yeah, that's Frankie Borelli back left. Frankie looking in. Old moon face Borelli, they call them. The fat man pockets of your vest, like right here.

Great. That's like a new fashion thing, too, with the jackets up high. It's a fat guy pocket. Those are ridiculous. I don't have any. There's no comfortable way to put your hands in your pockets like that. You have to hold them up. I don't have any jackets like that, but I do think that would be comfortable.

I guess it's kind of like when football players hold on to that thing here. But in your pockets up here seems like you're... We've got Andrew Tate is potentially in the hospital. This guy. Out of my life. The report was Andrew Tate or his brother might be in the hospital in Romania. Nobody really could confirm. And then, of course, Andrew Tate, rolling

with his Matrix theme, just says the Matrix. He's a Matrix theme? He's just always, you know... This is the Matrix. I love when people do that. He's like, you know, the Matrix sent their agents after me. The Matrix is trying to kill me. He wants a simulation?

Bro, i cannot believe how many people ride for him like let's just say what he's doing isn't full-blown sex trafficking like by the letter of the law maybe it's not like okay he runs a like a sex cam warehouse like that just seems like the guy you wouldn't want to like champion like where the the i dude i'm more okay with the sex cam warehouse than i am with the how to be a fucking top g i don't say that anymore what the top g what is the other thing like like it's like how to be a like he runs like how to be a millionaire yeah it's a hustle there it is which is they're just getting hustled.

It's crazy. You are the biggest guy they've fucking lived with. But also, don't you think, like, the only people worse than Andrew Tate are Andrew Tate's followers. If that guy can go out there and be like, charge me, I've charged you $50 a month to tell you how to be rich. And they do it. It's like, okay.

It is. Fucking morons. You're like. Like, I actually don't have a I would never want to get rich that way Just because like I would I He has to know

All of his followers are the biggest losers alive Right? Yes It's very Trump-esque You think this guy cares about you? You're getting laid I couldn't go to work every day And shout out to the chicken heads This isn't you Because I wouldn't do this cares about you like you're getting laid it's just like i couldn't go to work every day and shout out to the chicken heads because this isn't you because i wouldn't do this and just be like

everyone who likes me is such a fucking yeah yeah everyone who likes me is like paying money in order to learn how to trade crypto or whatever the fuck it is he does i i couldn't do that i would not be able to talk to someone who i who if they talked to me in the street, where I would be like, oh my god, get me the fuck out of here. Also, this movement of like, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what, man. It, me and you. It should be me and you. Fuck like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. This idea of like the,

that men, more particularly like boys, like younger boys when they're coming up are like forgotten and don't get any attention and people don't like, I don't know, help them and they feel lost and they don't have a place in society and shit.

So they turn to like Jordan Peterson. They turn to Andrew Tate. Fuck that. Turn to me and Feidelberg be like us yeah don't be like those guys those guys stink like forget about like i don't even care if they do make money or whatever you want to either be like the the nerdy fucking professor who's always crying on the internet or the fucking webcam smut guy you know what i mean just be like us be normal line into microphones be fucking normal be like us man this is where it's at we should be the the the voice of the generation

the voice of the left behind that's what the me too too movement is i would agree with that i would i would think we are the voices but we were definitely left behind twice now yeah that's that's for sure fucking the people who ride for that is it's like they're like like if you're at it put it this way if not once but twice now you are adamantly defending your internet guy over sex trafficking laws if you are getting well versed in like the ins and outs of sex trafficking laws probably not your. Probably not the guy you should ride for. Probably should just be like, I'm going to find a different internet grifter to like.

I'm going to pay another guy $50 to teach me how to be cool. And that's ultimately the main thing. Could you think, let's say you're the most uncool person. Is it $50? I think it's like a decent chunk, yeah. Well, I'll just say $50 is low. $50 a month? Oh, $50 a month. I think it's like a decent chunk, yeah. Well, I'll just say 50 is low. 50 a month? Oh, 50 a month.

I think it's something a lot. Hustlers University. Bro. This is 3.0. 100,000 people. Now, that's probably pumped up, but I bet you there's a shit ton. I do think he makes like a lot of money doing this. What?

So, I assume it was $147 maybe if you get 100,000 people to pay you 50 fucking bucks a pop maybe it doesn't even need to be monthly I'm just saying this is definitely recurring because it doesn't say it's recurring

if you are the biggest loser in the world yeah because it says you have to slash cancel any time that could be a week does it say recurring anywhere? this is the best game ever In the world. Yeah, because it says don't quit when you have to slash cancel any time. Yep. That's recurring. That could be a week. Does it say recurring anywhere? This is the best game ever.

It doesn't say recurring anywhere. You think that you're paying $100. What? On the main page, does it? This is $49. Monthly, yeah. Bro, that is originally $197. No, it wasn't.

It was never that. Even if you're the biggest loser of all time and you're so desperate, you're like, I got to find someone to help me be cool. You should be smart enough to know that paying. Step one, I'm choosing someone with hair. That's a fact. You got to have hair. That's a fact.

But no, here's the thing. Just your bald ass up, bro. The most uncool thing in the world is paying someone to teach you to a fact. Yeah. But no, here's the thing. Just your bald ass up, bro. The most uncool thing in the world is paying someone to teach you to be cool. Right.

Like step number one, don't pay somebody to teach you to be cool. You're already cooler than the guy who does. That should be.

So you gotta lay up on 100,000 people who are in the top G hustlers university fraternity. You fucking dorks. It's like the

Jordan Belfort, sell me this pen. Teach me to be cool. Yeah. Don't pay $50 to be cool straight up number one don't pay anybody to be cool that you are already

a step ahead nobody said why he was in the hospital I don't know like what happened there but he just like was for a minute um the the Dana White saga or non saga we should say, kind of continues as what Feidelberg said last week.

He's got this slap show coming out and then gets in this altercation. Turns out I was wrong. Slapping his wife was not a PR move. It was not a PR move. Would have been an interesting one. It was. Would have had to tip your cap to it. It was taken into account.

This is innovative, if nothing else. A public domestic abuse is innovation. No one's tried that before. You want to talk about thinking outside the box? Yeah. That's like,

you know, like in Elf when the guy comes in with the ideas and he's like, no, tomatoes are out. All right,

here's an idea for you. We go to Mexico. Domestic violence. We got shit face on the rocks tequila.'s like, no, tomatoes are out. All right, here's an idea for you. We go to Mexico. Domestic violence. We got shit face on the rocks tequila. I'll slap you around a little bit. Tune in. Thursdays at 8. So he did have this show.

It was one of those Russian slap contests. That has been delayed. Could you imagine, though, that, like, all right, man, we're about to drop the slap. Like, everything in place. All right, two weeks to go. Like, sounds good. Like, your phone rings.

It's like, Dana White slapped him. Yeah, no, I know. Dana White slapped him. It's going to be a massive hit. Actually, he took a little off it. It was like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drop the elbow a little bit. but yeah it seems like nobody else is you know it's not a big deal i think it's actually the perfect storm for a few things number one it happened during the demar hamlin situation

number two she hit him first and i know it's not not like, you know, a tough guy in the UFC world shouldn't really be like, that's free reign for me to just like unload on you. I think a lot of us, we said, have been like hit before and just don't hit back. But that does matter in this climate, I think. I was talking with friends and people like, whoa, did you say that on the podcast? And I was like, I did say she hit him first on the podcast. I think that, yeah. I think that's a reasonable thing to say.

I think that's part, like, I don't, again, I don't. I've been hit first before. I didn't hit back. Right. But I think adults should know. Also, if you hit an adult, you might get hit back. Totally. And I think it's a little bit crazy that that is crazy to say.

That people are like, whoa, really? So, yeah, we are two adults and you fucking chose violence first. You know? So that, you know, so that you know all combining and in fact i think he hit it head on he was just like we're embarrassed we're we're like we're we're still together we both feel like assholes we're worried about our kids it's like all right well i don't know what will we do next right you know um so yeah but if you were excited for this lap it's going to be delayed for a little while. How is that?

What about a leg sweep? An elbow. Maybe get the belt out. I don't know. You had to slap. If it was a punch, it's a completely different. You're right. If it was a punch, if Dwayne just punched his wife, it's a different story. This show is still going.

Because it's not called The Punch. No, it's not. If the show was called The Punch. If you gave her the old Greg Beralter's leg sweep. Thursday night, I am getting a bag of popcorn and watching some Russians beat the shit out of each other. But alas. It was a slap. It was a slap.

Here's one that is interesting, I thought, that everybody saw a million miles away, at least in terms of in the TV world. It was like art imitating life. Noah Schnapp is gay. Yeah. Will Byers. Yep.

Gay. Gay. Yeah, here they come. Gay. Said to myself, this is the biggest no-brainer non-story of all time. I watch the show, I know. Right? We all knew it.

But he just turned 18, so that means we all were like, that little kid's gay. Because somebody tried to get upset with me, being like, this is fucking disgusting, you should delete this. And I was like- What did you say? I said, not since Lance Bass has there been a bigger no duh coming out of the closet. When did you say that? When he came out?

Yeah. Then why is it weird? Well, so I was like, shut the fuck up. But he was like, this kid just turned 18. So that means this whole time you were watching this little teenage kid being like, he's gay. And it's just. So what? Yeah. I mean. Yeah. I was watching the show and I was little teenage kid being like, he's gay. And it's just. So what? Yeah, I mean.

Yeah, I was watching the show and I was like, he's black. You are what you are, man. These are things I can just see by watching this television show. But it's funnier. There's a difference. There's a difference between, like, that kid's black, that kid sucks some dick That's black, that's one-owner rider That's a gay guy

I know it all I'm picking people off on this show That little kid is gay And lastly We've got the Dave Portnoy Appearance on Joe Rogan, which I think was a... I haven't texted Dave in, I don't know, forever. I'm going to text him right now.

I'm going to text him live on here. See if he gets back to me. No. About what? Remember when he went on his pillow thing last year? I got a new bed. Yeah. I need some new pillows.

I want to know what he thought about pillows. And you're going to answer Dave Portnoy's pillow recommendation? I'm going to text Dave Portnoy right now, which I still have Dave Portnoy iPhone, because remember when he was doing the eyeberry? Yes, the eyeberry. That's hilarious. I was going to say, you ever get to the bottom?

He's going to be like, what the fuck? I would have worded this much differently had we not been on camera. Don't you have to run down later? Yes, I have it at 3 o'clock. Do you ever get to the bottom? Wait, wait. No, how should I say this?

What was your take on the best pillow around? Been struggling lately. I cannot believe you're saying this, Ty. I cannot believe it. After like two years of silence. Hey, man. Dude. Hey, you got any pillow talk for me?

You, man. Dude. Hey, you got any pillow talk for me? You, uh, I'm the best pillow. He is going to go. Especially with the rundown coming up, he's going to just be like, whatever. No chance. Not a single chance. Last year he did the pillow search. Could you imagine him being like, well, if you like it firmer, you go this way. And if you're looking for something that's a down pillow, you've got to go with

these guys. And if you want something, you fucking moron. Dave went on the Joe Rogan show. And I think overall, it's just being viewed as a disappointment through no fault of Dave. You ever find

the best pillow around? There it is. He's going to reply to that one. You ever find the best pillow? I hope he just writes yes but doesn't tell you. Yep, I did. What's it to you, you idiot? Boom, set. What a weird move.

I know it's been a couple years. I know it's been about three calendar years, but you ever find those pillows? Yeah. Dude, I'm in the... I got... Bro, my pillow game is... It's a mess. What made you start now?

I just got a new bed. Uh-huh. My bed sucked. I got a new bed. Uh-huh. I got a new bed. I can't have these pillows on a new nice bed. That's logical. As long as my bed sucked, I was fine with my pillow sucking, but now I a new nice bed That's logical

As long as my bed sucked I was fine with my pillows sucking But now I got a nice bed This is crazy Huh? You got a new bed so you need new pillows Yeah But you were okay with your pillows Well

They matched it was a fair thing But were you like, these pillows suck? So it wasn't like you got a new bed and then that made you realize the pillows suck. But it was just like, I'm comfortable with this whole thing sucking. You are so dumb. I thank God every day

for how stupid you are. Why? This is logical. It's logically stupid. If my bed sucks, then my pillows can suck. If I get a nice bed, I got to have nice pillows. But one would argue that you could have just had nice pillows this whole time. Sure.

Yeah, that would be logical. Yeah, but it's like, bro, I have no joke. I'll count them when I get home. I have at least 10 to 15 pillows. No, no, no, no. I have at least 7 to 10 pillows. Not a single one is worth 15.

Not one. You have 10 pillows that are not good? I got pillows so 2, 4, 6. I think I have 6 like full size or bigger than

full size pillows. And these are like feathers or they're just like you know, clunky cotton like balls or whatever. You know the ones that are like lumpy almost? Yeah. Oh, there's a lumpy balls or whatever. You know, the ones that are like lumpy almost.

Yeah. Oh, there's a lumpy. Oh, there's two lumpies. Lumpies suck. The worst. Let me tell you what sucks. Lumpies suck. Well, they have little lumpies in them, you mean, right?

Well, there's a bunch. There's ones that are almost just like, these are just a bad pillow that is just like, there's just like clunky, big, almost like snowballs, it feels like in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sucks. Terrible. I got two regular pillows, they're too soft. The full-blown, like, temperature control molding ones,

those suck too. Can't do that either. That was my first thought. Can't do that either. I need, and then also, like, just straight up, like, feathers, not good. No. Where it almost feels like you just took out a pillowcase and put, like, a whole goose worth in there, but there's no structure to it. You need a little bit of structure.

Those pillows are only good for sororities underpants. Yes, that's when you're having an underwear pillow fight with a bunch of girls that you're going to turn lesbian for for the night during a sleepover. No other pillow for that. You need a rectangular pillow that's not so big that your neck is up,

but not so low that it's down. And just like it's a little bit squishy, but a little bit firm. You just need like everything in between. You don't need to go to extremes on anything. I'm going to the man who does pillows. The pillow man himself. I need pizza. I text Dave.

I need a pillow. I text Dave. Dave does not reply back to those texts. Anyway, he was unrogued. Sorry to interrupt with my stupid. Well, no, that exchange right there was probably more interesting than the Fortnite appearance on Rogan, unless you're just an MMA junkie. Rogan just talked about MMA for like three hours.

There was like two. There was an interesting moment where they talked about like social media in the beginning because, you know,ave is a part of the social media world there was an interesting andrew tate conversation where they discussed you know his popularity um and the absolute entire rest was fighting yeah yeah there's a little bit of a back and forth with jake paul because dave does no boxing right so he was talking about jake paul they disagreed heavily on that so that was interesting for jake for dave to be like jake is a good fighter and joe rogan's like get the fuck out of here no he's not so somebody's obviously going to be wrong on that proven

wrong one day maybe on that the rest is just like intricate you know brazilian jiu-jitsu k1 fighting from overseas and and there's like. Does Dave know about this stuff? No, no, no, no, no. So Dave was trying his best to smoke a cigar while talking about fighting. And he does his best. Because there was a point where they were talking about steroids in sports. And Dave can talk about that. And then Joe talks about it like the minutia of steroids in MMA,

where Dave can then be broader or whatever. I thought there was a couple moments where Dave could have, like, got in there and steered the conversation himself a little bit. But a lot of just Rogan, like, being like, what about this guy? And what about this guy? And then there was this guy. And there was that guy. And Dave just being like, yeah, man. No way.

Yeah. Dave replied. Okay. So what I said was, You ever find the best pillow around I would have bet So much Pretty quick within 5 minutes You ever find the best pillow around

Remember you did a search last year or so I believe he was in Miami for it He said yup Blank No free ads I'm sure he already did it Yup company store Which

When he first When I first read that I thought it was He meant go to the barstool store Right the barstool store Where you're selling great clothes That's not moronic That's a company store

You're an idiot You tell me we're a company store I'm a moron for a million reasons That's not that bad He said For what I like It's sort of fluffy and flat I don't know if I love that

I like fluffy I don't know about flat I like, it's sort of fluffy and flat. I don't know if I love that. I like fluffy. I don't know about flat. I like, um, no, I need a little bit of. A little firmness, I feel like. I need. I need a little fluffy. I don't know. I'm going to get one of these fucking pillows.

He says, I also have nine million of them in the Hamptons, but I'm not there. And I said, hell yes. Don't think I've ever had a good pillow in my life. That was my first interaction with Dave in probably. Definitely. You know what it is? Definitely at least a year. Probably three years.

Dave loves, uh, like, he's the like, he's the guy for the pillows now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he'll reply to anybody in the world, you know? Like, even, you know, remember when Jerry blew off that reservation that he got him? And we were like, what's Dave? No, Troops did. Troops, right. I don't know why I thought it was Jerry.

Sorry, Jerry. He would never do that. It was always Jerry. Like, he, and I was like, why was he even doing that? Because he's like, oh, I'm the guy. I thought it was Jerry. Sorry, Jerry. You would never do that. It was always Jerry. Like, he... And I was like, why was he even doing that? Because he's like, oh, I'm the guy. I got the connection. He would have given that to anybody just to be like...

Where was it? Was it Zero Bond? I don't even know the names of these places. But it was like, you know, you have to get, like, a special reservation. I was at, like, a fucking... Such a, like, a very ritzy Christmas party on the Upper East Side before Christmas. And, like, the kids who were there. That's where they go.

The parents were like, all right, the kids are off to Zero Bond. And I was like, that seems like the place Dave goes. Not Dave goes, but it was the people who I thought would go there. If I walked in the house and it was like, those are Zero Bond people. And I don't even know what Zero Bond is. But you know what Zero Bond people are. I know what Zero Bond people are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really have no house and it was like, those are Zero Bond people. And I don't even know what Zero Bond is. Right. But you know what Zero Bond people are. I know what Zero Bond people are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really have no idea what it is. I think it's like a... I just think it's like only like special reservation though, right? Like you can't... I don't even think like I could call if I wanted to. I think it's like you got to know somebody. I don't... Colleen seems to know more than us.

I think it's like that hot. Like, I think you can go if you want to. Oh, really? I thought it was like a more exclusive... What's the other one? Soho House or whatever? I think you probably have to make want to. Oh, really? I thought it was like a more exclusive. What's the other one? Soho House or whatever? I think you probably have to make the reservation like two months. Well in advance.

I feel like going to these places is – and maybe I'm wrong. Again, I don't want anyone to jump down my throat. Maybe I'm wrong. I feel like belonging to these places is like going to Andrew Tate's How to Be Cool Club. Yeah. These are like – these are the fancy places for people trying to be fancy, not the fancy places for the fancy people. I get belonging to a fucking country club because you can go play fucking golf there.

Yeah, they provide something. I don't know what these places provide other than it's just a bar, right? It's the emperor's new clothes. It's like some owner decides that this is the hot spot. Maybe you get a celebrity to come once in a while. All you need to do is make your shit too expensive and get a write-up saying this is hard to get into and the people will flock. It's kind of crazy.

I have a question for you. Yeah, it's just a fucking place. It looks terrible. Zero Bond or a service? Zero Bond. I'm just looking at images of inside. It just looks like... It doesn't matter. These places are built on reputation.

There's nothing. It's all... Maybe I'm not looking at the right pictures, but it's actually super... I was ready to be underwhelmed, and I'm a thousand times more underwhelmed than I thought I was. Gonna be. I have a question for you. Have you ever worn a jockstrap? For sure, yeah.

For hockey? For multiple sports. I'm glad you bring this up because I talked about this recently. Big Cup had us in a joke. Yo, everybody. Everyone wearing Cubs with fucking, I barely had a penis. Dude. Dude, bro.

Dude, first of all, Cubs were not even – they did more damage than protection. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Dude, they come – they cup checks. Remember? Not like your buddies. Not like cup checks. Yeah.

Like coaches would fucking swing the bat. And you'd see they hit you in the cup. Yeah. They just like have it. They fucking could dink, which is crazy. Crazy. Just smacking the dick of 12-year-old boys. Right.

And then like umps would ask you if you had your cup on. Bro, I was playing center field. If you're a catcher, maybe. Crazy. Just smacking the dick of 12-year-old boys. Right. And then, like, umps would ask you if you had your cup on. Bro, I was playing center field. If you're a catcher, maybe. Probably. I had a fucking cup. Trying to run the bases. The size of my head. Trying to run the bases with a fucking plastic.

Bro, I wore a cup in football. Unnecessary. I wore a cup in baseball. Like, junior year of high school, I was finally like, you know what? I'm going to be a bad boy here. I'm going to let my dick swing. I wore the cup today. Bro. And it took me from, I was finally like, you know what? I'm going to be a bad boy here. I'm going to let my dick swing. I wore the cup today. Bro.

And it took me from, I wore a cup, my whole, bro, I had bruises for a decade. Right on your groin, like a tendon or whatever that is there, right? Nuts. I got a real secret for you. I didn't wear a cup my fucking senior year of hockey. So I don't know much about hockey. Bro, one of my best friends wore a jock playing basketball. Like with a cup in it?

No. Which I think is even weirder. No, I think I actually might like that. That might feel like a fucking gross song. Well, that's, I would agree, except. That might keep the fucking shit all tied up. It does. But he put boxers on over them.

Boxers. He would wear a jock strap and then floppy boxers over his jock and then his basketball shorts. And he texted me. He texted me out of the blue this weekend. And he goes, I might get a jock strap. This is what's funny. So he texted me over the week

and he goes, do you think anybody still wears jocks? And I was like, still? I don't think our generation did, dude. And then I said to him, I'm pretty sure linemen might. And he goes, oh no, no, I meant basketball. And i was like still like i don't think our generation did dude this is not like and then i said to him i'm pretty sure lineman might and he goes oh no no i meant basketball and i was like basketball no fucking way would anyone wear a jockstrap during basketball so we start talking about the the uh the sports angle of it all the gay community has propped up the jockstrap industry for a long time for reasons other than dick and ball protection.

They're wearing it for the reasons you want to wear it. Because you want to wear women's underwear. Like Pat commented on my Instagram being like, I got news for you. Because the gays will rock that to like, you know. What's the date today? The 9th? The 8th? 9th. 9th. Damn.

Okay. I got it. It'll be here Wednesday. You're getting a jockstrap? I got one. But you got like a sports jockstrap or like a thong jockstrap? I saw a thong. I said, that's not what I'm looking for. I said, I'm looking for one of these bad boys.

See, I think having... This is for... This is gym, though. It says gym on it. What are you talking about? It says like... What kind of jockstrap are you using? That's the most standard jockstrap of all time.

Well, that's what I mean. So I thought you meant the opposite. I thought you were getting, like, a... No, no, no, no. A more, like, a sexy one. No, no, no, no. Okay. No, no, no.

Because what you want it for is, like, sexy purposes. Like, you want your dick to feel all sexy. Yeah, but I want it old school style. I want people being like, I can't wear it. When are you going to wear that? Thursday. Like, to work? Yeah.

Okay. All right, everyone on Thursday. Like to work? Yeah. Okay. All right, everyone on Thursday just know what's underneath John's pants. It's going to be awkward. I mean, the thought of being in the year, in like the 2000s, being like a teenage kid. Because I've been to the year 2000. Idiot. Yeah, I know. He said,

God damn it, Jackie. God damn it, you bitch! Wearing a jockstrap. Like, if I had found out that one of my friends on the team was wearing a jockstrap, I mean, I would have bullied him into suicide. Like, I would have bullied him until he was dead.

I saw your tweet. A jockstrap for basketball? But I get, now I get it, because, have bullied him until he was dead. I saw your tweet and you're... For basketball? But I get, now I get it, because, like, you're a little older. You do things like have IDs from the 70s and stuff. Like, were compression shorts around back then? For basketball, you got a lot of ball slack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's not a bad

sport for a job. So that was his question about compression shorts. I think they were probably around, but they weren't, like, I don't even know if they were called compression shorts or if, like, Under Armour was popping yet. But there was, like, boxer briefs. So think they were probably around, but they weren't, like, I don't even know if they were called compression shorts or if, like, Under Armour was popping yet, but there was, like, boxer briefs, so you could just, like... Yeah, but even those were cotton, probably.

This is just a fucking nice... It's like a fucking, uh... He had a mesh... What do you call them? Like, a mesh sack. For his sack. What do you call them? Fucking...

Crayle? The cage where you're digging. Um... Chastity belt. Chastity belt. Yeah. It's like a chastity belt But like a flexible one

I think the weirdest part is having your ass cheeks out I would rather have the thong I'd rather have the thong on my ass than my ass cheeks just free I'd rather wear a thong than a jockstrap Yeah? I just think it's so weird to have Your ass flopping in the wind Rubbing against my hole all day

It's something I'm into It's not something you're into. It's something I'm into. It's not something you're into? It's not some raw fucking cotton, dude. Well, don't get a cotton one then. Get a nice little satiny one. Get a silky one. I imagine this is what you're talking about with the gay community. Where like these ones I saw, the top left, top right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want fucking traditional, bro. I want something that was on the set of Hoosiers. See, I think that's so funny that it's like your balls and everything's tucked up, and then your ass is just out in the wind. Yeah. But I – and also it's not – Let my ass breathe.

Yeah, I'd rather have – like, it just feels like your ass is like – Even that, though. Your ass is out in the wind there, yeah. I don't know. That one says athletic. Yeah, these are funny as fuck, man. I'm going to come a jockstrap, bro, dude. Bro, I'm going to become a jockstrap boy.

Yo, give me a pair. I'm going to get the four. Give me a pair. Give me a pair, bro. I'm going to get the four. Throw a couple your way. Throw a couple my way. You know I'm an extra large these days, though, bro.

But maybe I won't be because my ass is out. Because your ass is hanging out, dude. Maybe this is my solution. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You might be joking, but now I'm dude. Maybe this is my solution. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You might be joking, but now I'm serious. I'm getting a large.

We'll see if the largest fit you. Yeah, this is nice. If I could keep... Oh, man. Dude, it's a shame there's four of us because a three-pack is primo. We'll get two three-packs. I can't believe I didn't think of this. This might be...

Because I was just thinking about sports and stuff. I'm just going to be, it's going to be my walking around underwear. Yeah. Because then I won't, my dick won't get smushed because of my fat ass. Friday, the boys are going out.

Fucking, Friday for the men. The men who can admit that we're wearing jock straps. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe it's jock straps or thongs because my cheeks won't be a problem anymore.

Get rid of those fat cheeks my cheeks won't be a problem anymore get rid of those fat cheeks they won't be pulling on my dick anymore no what do you know I've come around on it yeah I think it's crazy to be a teenage kid in like the 2000s wearing a jockstrap did you see he texted me see he's sorry but But I would do it. I would wear my hockey stuff, which had a jockstrap in it. Yeah. Even without the cup. But that wasn't because I needed to keep my shit in place. That was because, like, the jockstrap was, like, hockey, like, for your hockey socks. So, like, you have, like, the cup. There are all kinds of different variations of this.

But, like, it was, like, it had a jockstrap inside. Right. It was, like, a whole part of the kit or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Velcro the socks. It was like a whole part of a kit or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Velcro the sock. Sure, sure. I would still wear that, but I guess I probably would have worn it all the time because I got to keep my dick somewhere.

Hockey and football, I think, are different than basketball. Yeah. Even baseball. I mean, if you're a catcher, I think. Basketball jock is loony tunes, but maybe I'll find out that this is the move he said that I can't wait for Thursday

he was dude he was in he was in college hanging out at his dorm buddies like drinking beers and shit the man they got packages

and it was a care package from his house and his buddy was like his buddy got it and he was like yeah you can open it and it was just eight jock traps

that's fucking crazy we just got seven His buddy got it, and he was like, yeah, you can open it. And it was just eight jock straps. That's fucking crazy. We just got seven. What color did you get? Huh? What colors? I got these two colors. These three colors.

I got two packs of them, and they are flames. I might have. I might. These are so gay. This is clearly like, do not buy this unless you are gay. Yeah, this is to wear to the prom. I'm for sure wearing the pink and yellow. Dibs on the pink and yellow. I am worried about one.

These Amazon models with like the pubes coming out of the top? Are you kidding me? Dude, that looks like a fucking spider's nest for sure. That is. I might have to buy some XLs. I'm worried the large is not going to work. The fellas are going to be stepping out, dude. Oh, my God.

You want in on this, babe? Come on, it's a four pack. Oh, no, I, dude. Oh, my God. You want in on this, babe? Come on. It's a four-pack. No, I got it. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I made sure.

I got six. I got seven. They're for everybody. Can girls wear them? I mean, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah, but would you ever just have the, like. I'm not going to wear the jockstrap.

No, you're wearing the jockstrap. You're getting jocked up. Jocked up! Jocked up! Three minutes on the clock. Here is my. But yours wouldn't be a jockstrap. Yours would just be like chicks underwear that has the ass out.

I guarantee you that exists. It's just like, I guarantee there's something for girls that's just not called a jockstrap. I don't know. I'm trying to find like the back.

Oh yeah, you gotta see there. Like it just, it goes underneath. It's like a bra for your butt. Yeah. Yeah. It just goes under your, under your basically, instead of in between your cheeks.

The penis pouch would be weird for that way, Matt. But that's what I mean. Their version would be a pussy pouch. It wouldn't be balls. You're just describing it. You're recreating a thong. Instead of going in the middle, it would just be under the side. Yeah.

It would be like under your cheeks rather than in between your cheeks. That exists for girls, for sure. It might be more like lingerie or something like that, but – I don't know how often gay guys are wearing this. Maybe we'll talk to Pat. That's what I'm wondering because I know that slut Zach was wearing one at like one of those P-Town gang bangs. But like is that when you're going out for the night and you're like going out?

Or is it like – Like a regular day. Right. Like I don't know. What do people say the fucking point of the underpants are? Protect your pants from your ass. Yeah, right. You're just going out without no protection.

That's what I mean. You raw dog in a pair of pants. It's dangerous for your boy over here. I think I could get away with it. I haven't shit myself in a long time. You are rolling the dice, bro. Imagine if I were- Oh, oh.

Speaking of, great news. Great news. I've been drinking almond milk. Turns out your boy's lactose intolerant. Yeah, we figured out the problem. Because I just crush almond milk. No problem. And no backfires.

Fucking, bro, all night just cooking cereal. And it's good, though? Milk. Yeah, it is. Fucking throw all night just cooking cereal. And it's good? Milk. Yeah, it is. I texted you about it. I described it to you as it is like it tastes enough like milk. It tastes like I said that in Arrested when what's the sister's name? Lindsay.

Lindsay, yeah. uh michael lindsey yeah when lindsey becomes like the housewife and she makes uh hot ham water yeah the the um the the almond milk is is like milky almond water yeah well that's isn't what they do they just like soak almonds into like goo like the the milk comes out or something scientific process that's like how do you get milk from? I leave that to the suits up in Washington. But the – it's like particularly when you're mixing it with – I'm not going to have a glass of it. But when you're just having it with cookies or having it in cereal, it does – Oh, I need to be able to gulp it though. It does the job. Yeah, with cookies you're fine.

You can get it. Can you drink the bottom of your milk? Yeah. Yep. Okay. Yep. I don't know if I believe that. All right, I'm going to try jockstrap and almond milk this week.

Yeah, shout out Chris Long. Thank you very much. Chris Long was level one. It was like, I would have never done it. I'm so dumb. He probably wears jockstraps too. I didn't even, I thought that almond milk was like tofu for milk. Well, it kind of is.

Yeah, it kind of is, but I thought it was only like a hippie just did it. I didn't realize it had actual purpose, where it's like if you can't do dairy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Drew this. I never put that together. I thought it was just like we don't do things. But I do think a lot of hipster people just do it too. It's not even if you're lactose intolerant.

Yeah, I'm sure they do, but it was like I didn't realize that there was a – No, man, I need somebody to fucking – What's the logical application of it? I need someone to jerk a cow off and fucking give me that milk milk. I used to think so, but then I got tired of pooping at 3 a.m. Yeah, well, I bet. You should have done that. You should have made that switch like years ago, dude.

Dude, I DMed Chris Edwards because he commented. He was like, dude, try almond milk. I posted the thing when I was like, hey, just so you know, after 30, sometimes you just become lactose intolerant. Yeah. He's like, dude, almond milk. And I was like, he's like, same thing as you. He's like, I can't. I don't understand what you've been doing.

I've been drinking milk and pooping. He's disgusting. Did you guys realize that all cows are female? Yeah. That's a jack-o'-lantern. I did, but you still took me aback a little bit there. I was like, really? The bulls of the boys.

It's one of those things that I know, but I don't in my internal monologue, there's some boy cows and some girl cows. It's also how I think all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. You're right. Correct. It's just like some things are in your head, but some things are just facts.

Yeah. You know. All right. Voicemails. What's up, KFC? Fights, Jackie, Nick, Pat, Zach. That's a con, bro. This is Fitz.

That's long hair. I told you all a few months ago, the whole shit. I'm currently taking a poop. Long hair. Wallpaper's disgusting. Bro. quick. But, Peg, you literally feel like an organ kind of came out. Bro. I'm contemplating if I need to go to the doctor or such, you know, right now, because something doesn't feel right. But, yep. What's your worst shit

experience? I'd like to imagine that dude's dead on that toilet still right now. That'd be funny. Wouldn't it? Oh that'd be great It'd be funny He just fucking died Imagine if like He dies and like the video

Just keeps running Like somehow it still gets submitted He sent it and he's like Alright I'll wait for the fellas To get back to me And then he just died You know I blame you For turning this into a shit show

I don't fucking want to do it either A literal poop show It is It's not a shit show It's a shit show I don't want fucking want to do it either. A literal poop show. It is. It is. It's not a shit show. I don't want to show how it's my fault. Because you're the one who shits yourself all the time.

Not all the time. Once or twice a year. Try. Once or twice a year? It feels like more because I tell you about it. It's for sure at least three. It's more like three to four

than it is one to two. Fine. And four is very different than one. You're despicable. And you will. I'll tell you this much. The jockstrap will backfire for you. You will.

Tell you what. The boy's got to get his pair his period pants. We can't tell his jeans, John. Those look old. Yeah, I'm wearing my jock strap today. Oh, man. God damn it, dude. God damn it.

But, I mean, yeah, I've had a million bad shits bro But you know what's weird Is like the way he characterized this Is like Saying it was like Really fast and big But then being like It was so bad

I don't know That sounds good to me Get it in Get it out Let me get the fuck out of here I'm not one of these guys Who like wants to sit there For 45 minutes

And like relishes in my own stank I hate that I don't If I could never shit again, I would. Sign me up for that. No, I don't know about that. No, no, no, no, no. Sign me up for that.

If it could just be like, I don't know, it leaves your body some other way, done. What if you get a puke? No, no, no, no, that's crazy. Puking is terrible. Yeah, no, I like it. I'm not like Enjoying it I enjoy the solid

You know like The people who have Colostomy bags Yeah I wouldn't want that But let's say If we lived in a world Where you like

Just You just went like With something And everybody had it that way You just drilled oil out Yeah But it just goes And it's gone

You don't see it You don't have to deal with it And then the thing Just like seals off I would do that like so fast I would like that But I also I would like that, but I also appreciate the privacy of a bathroom. Wow, that's true.

You never get to go hide in the bathroom ever again because everyone knows you just suck it out. That's great. That's a great point. I wasn't thinking about that. I am a guy who sits there for 45 minutes, but I'm not doing it because... I even do it when I live alone. There's a different vibe. I agree. I am a guy who sits there for 45 minutes, but I'm not doing it because – and I even do it when I live alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just something – there's a different vibe. I agree. I agree. I'm just alone. So I'm thinking more about the people who are relishing the action. No, no, no. I don't like the people who like it to be big and they take pictures and they smell it. No, no, no. All that weird shit.

But what I do very much appreciate is the solitude that comes with the bathroom because there's just no other room or situation in your house where you can go upstairs and just hang out on a recliner in a side room for 15 minutes. Bro, there are entire countries that don't have access to clean water because of me. I just turn the shower on and I just sit there. Let it. Yeah, let it. It's like steamy. It's a sauna.

Goodness gracious, bro. I think your computer died, or it's about to die. I can't get over that guy looking like Cons, right? With a fucking chin and a weird hair. As a guy who had newborns at one point, and as a guy who had a tough relationship situation at a time, being able to go in the bathroom and they can't say anything to you you know what i mean like like i could be jerking off i could be hanging out it could be 45 minutes and i know that she was kind of like what the fuck is what's going

on but you can't really say shit because i can be like i'm pooping that is great like hanging out under the guise of pooping. When I fucking, dude, I started doing that when I was, like, 12, man. I'm a different person without that. But if I don't have that, that's why I don't think. I get everything out right there. I'm like, I don't fucking have to do anything. I'm just, it is a completely different animal.

Now, let me ask you this. Sorry, I just took a bite. Pre or post phone era, though? Doesn't matter. I told you, I started doing it when I was, like, took a bite. Pre or post phone era, though? Doesn't matter. I told you I started doing it when I was 12 or 13. Right, so you would just hang out and read the back of the fucking shampoo bottle? No, I don't know. Print the newspaper, print the net.

You had a stack of magazines? A lot of Rolling Stone. Yeah, I read a lot of Rolling Stone when I was a kid. I mean, I remember reading the back of the shampoo bottle. I did that occasionally, but I knew the back of the shampoo bottle. I did that occasionally. But I knew what I was going to do. I was going to do my business, but my business wasn't pooping. My business was being alone.

Have you ever shit without a phone? No. Never. Not that I can remember. That's crazy. Yeah. That's fucking lunacy, man. You know?

Wait, how old? When did you get your first phone? Well, I had an iPod Touch at 12. My kids bring their tablets into shit with them. My kids are entertained everywhere they go at all times. Really? In the car, on the toilet, in between, whatever it is they're doing. Waiting for it.

You're at your sister's practice. Your sister's at your brother's practice. Usually it was just, I don't know, I'm going to hang out underneath the bleachers. You know what I mean? Just make your fun while your sibling does something. They all have their video games and their tablets and they're all the time. Real. But to have never shit where you're just like, I don't know, I'm not done yet.

I've got to be here for another five to ten minutes. That's what I was going to say. That's what I get when he's like, it's so fast and it's bad. And I was like, I thought he meant like it's just too fast. Because I get, I'm like, ah, damn. Too fast? Yeah, I'm like, I think I'm done. Oh, it's over.

See, no, to me, I'm a quick shitter. I can get in and out real quick. I had a buddy, I swear to God, he be shits fast and he pisses. I was one of those ones. Like my, I remember my friend timed me, and I was under a minute. I was in, done, out, clean, under 60 seconds. I feel so bad having these conversations with Jackie and Colleen in the room, but whatever. They don't shit.

My buddy was so fast. I was like, when you get up to go to the bathroom, poop has to be out already. It's so fast. It's crazy. Like it's hanging out? Yeah. Like not fully out? Like a little turtle head.

Oh, my God. I remember my one friend. He's trying to force a smile. My one friend was such a shitter. He was like, like, shitting was like what he did. Like, he was a shitter. He used to get naked. He would take off all his clothes to shit.

Never went that far. Especially at work. He would take off the work button up and he would hang it up. Oh, my God. That's crazy. He would shit naked. And he loved it. And he was like a bigger guy.

So they were like gross and they were big. And I remember being you're in there for like old man amount of time like you're a loser dude like we were like 15 he's saying like old man shits and um so i was like i'm a quick shitter so he timed me and i think i did like it did it like 70 seconds whatever it was you know and it was so fast and he was like not like the shit's coming out of you. He's like, you've got a gaping asshole. You have a huge asshole. You just have to have a huge asshole. What, do you get fucked in the ass? That's just not possible.

I don't even, like, how could this shit come out that fast? Your asshole must be fucking huge. You eat so much fiber, you must be gay. Next voicemail, please. Hey, KFC. Fights, God. Next voicemail, please. Hey, KFC Fights Kevin. My question for you, I just finished listening to the Nikki Glaser mental health episode. Last time Nikki was on, she said Kevin had a shot, wanted to get your opinion. If you could go back and either undo somebody you had sex with or have sex with somebody that you had the opportunity to and

didn't which would you do and a little story behind it thanks bye that's a good question is if you could only pick one are you undoing or doing there's nothing there's nothing i can't unhave any of these experiences it's not like that it's just like i'm always down for new experiences you're just a puppy dog you're like what would happen if I could do someone I didn't do? I think if you've ever fucked somebody. No, stop saying fuck. Say do. Do, okay.

Would you do her? Who would you do? The damage you can undo by undoing someone is way more valuable. I might have been off more than I could chew with this rule. No, but it actually makes sense. You can undo damage by undoing someone. If you've ever done someone that presents you a lot of problems in your life, undoing them is far more beneficial than having like new

memories from doing somebody else most certainly but we don't do the smart things here we do the dumb things here what do you choose? and here's the craziest part of it I don't even have someone in mind like that's the one that got away

I fucked everyone I wanted to fuck so far yeah that's a good point like it's not like you could pick some fucking celebrity no because that was never an option right there's one girl that i was like in love with in like middle school that like as you know as we got older if i could have fucked her it would have been cool i could if i could have done her I think I would I remember oh I got number one with a bullet now actually you would do what it and it's a no brainer I'm taking a girl it was just like a girl

you were like flirting with that you missed the signals or something like what was the circumstance it's a it's a girl like I was like yeah

it was like a high school like we're friendly but oh I got a thousand of those but I was a virgin but I wasn't a virgin

I just forgot I had sex I there's there's about like eight girls that I was like friend-zoned that I wish I could fuck all of them. Yeah, so do. That's true, but I'm saying I don't think I would have gotten that

looking back on it. Alright, so if I just had sex with you, then whatever. Or you're married. Right. A great relationship. Right, right, right. The good things from sex. Right. That great relationship. Right, right, right, right. The good things from sex. Right. That happens sometimes.

No, it doesn't. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't. Bro, occasionally. I'm here to tell you the bad stuff happens from sex. Occasionally good things happen from sex. No way. All that happens from sex is like violence, children, and stalking. That's it.

That's what sex leads to. That's it. Do you like those things? Do you like violence? Do you's it. Do you like those things? Do you like violence? Do you like children? Do you like violence? Have sex then.

Yo, I'm telling you, man. If I could go back and do this girl. I would go back and be a virgin. I go back and do this girl in a heartbeat, and I'm not here. I'll tell you that much. I'm living a much better life than doing a stupid podcast. Well, that's the thing is if you're going to say that doing some chick changes your life, then, you know. No, no, no. I think, like, she shows up here right now.

Right. Okay, that's what I mean. But I'm saying if I had done her back then. Back then. Then it would have all been different. I'd probably go to college. I remember there was a girl that I loved, and I wanted to do her. But I moved, and I remember being like, I think I shot my shot.

And I asked her to be my girlfriend when we were in fifth grade or whatever. But I moved. And she was like, no. And I was like, why not? And she was like, you don't live here anymore. I was trying to have a long distance relationship as a fifth grader. Makes the heart grow fonder. I know.

I was kind of like, let's chat on fucking AOL, bitch. That's just where it's at. That shit is fire. God, that shit. That AOL. I'm pretty sure, though, I'm almost positive that she went on to have sex with an extremely popular college quarterback, and I was like, well, that's never going to happen. Tim Tebow, huh?

No. Another one bites the dust. I was just like, yeah, okay, well, that ship, you know, that ship never was going to sail for me. When she was in fifth grade? This is a juicy story. I would hope that most people use this. If you've gone through bad stuff from doing somebody, I would hope you use it to undo that.

But people are just going to use it to do more people. Bro, it's more fun doing new things. Yeah, that's true. Doing new shit. Go out there and fucking do new shit. So you've got your number one that you would do. That's a reasonable... It's not just like, I would do Emily Ratajkowski.

It's a girl you could do. A hundred percent. It's a girl I still talk to today. I could... I might do her. I was going to say, just do it. I do. Very occasionally.

She doesn't live here. I very occasionally still exchange a message or two. There's a crew of like eight girls that I would like flip a coin. Well, you can't flip a coin. I would like spin a wheel and whichever one it lands on, I would do, and I'd be happy with that. Do that again, spin the dreidel, eh? All right, last voicemail.

Sad boy. What's up, KFC? It's a gang. Got a couple things for you. First off, just watched this week's episode. The chewing gum thing, it's bullshit. I chew gum obsessively. Have it on my desk here.

Face still fat as fuck. Fat face is tough, man. There's a guy with a fat face fuck fat face is tough man this guy with fat face that face going into 2023 what is you guys's mount rushmore steel pmt thing of dream interviews for the year people you have not interviewed yet throw a wrench in it one porn star one comic one athlete and then jesus my fingers look fat as fuck actor or that one can just be a catch-all do anyone so porn star comic athlete and then actor or whatever you want on that one okay this is a good question answers it's gonna be a hard one i mean chat check chat check um porn star athlete actor and what and and uh This is a good question. It's going to be a hard one. I mean, Chachik. Chachik is number one. Chachik, Ramp. Porn star, athlete, actor, and what?

And comic. Okay. Comic, I mean, comic's going to be a repeat. Comics, I mean, I don't even want to put Chappelle on the list. Comic, like, one of our friends. Maybe, I'll do Louie. No, no, no, no. I'll do Louie. Yeah, I was going to say, there's great comics that we haven't done yet.

Chris Rock, Louis. I mean, if we got a chance to do Chevelle, you would just go to Chevelle. Oh, I wasn't saying. I was saying no to it. I was just saying, like, it's so he's not doing it that I wasn't going to put him on the list. I would do. I'm not definitely saying no to Chevelle. What are you, nuts?

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to go. Louis is the one. Louis and Chechik are the two no-datters. The other ones, I think, can be, like, wherever. Charlieie's the one. Louie and Cechik are the two no-doubters. The other ones I think can be like wherever. Charlie Day is my actor. Reynolds also there.

And these are people we've never done, right? He's at Mount Rushmore, but I think these people we've never done. Would Ryan Reynolds be the actor, you think? That would be the one? Reynolds would be up there. Charlie Day I want to so bad. Charlie Day and I have a lot of like kinetic. Oh, you are.

You are Charlie Day. We have a lot of kinetic. We went to the same high school. We have a lot of shit to talk about Charlie. Yeah. We got to interview Charlie and Caitlin Olsen and close the loop. We've got to close the loop. We've got to make it happen.

So I would probably pick Charlie in that sense too just to just to, like, further the... It's just Caitlyn left, yeah. Yeah. And then, athlete. I mean, again, this is like we're shooting for the fucking moon. Landing amongst the stars. Tom Brady. Probably even I would agree with that. It's funny that we're having the same thing.

Like, I think for the sake of the interview i still think talking to conor mcgregor would be awesome but i don't think like i think mcgregor is a lot i i maybe i'm wrong i don't know i've never i've never seen like a live interview i've always seen him in like he like cuts promos and shit right i don't think he like talks and who was your boxer your dude who like trained like wall street guys? Eric Kelly? Eric Kelly. Yeah. I feel like McGregor is kind of Eric Kelly-esque, where he just has his lines that he says to everybody. I can see that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when Eric Kelly came into the office for Barstool Radio, and I very much agreed with Dave. Dave was like, you're just saying lines. They don't apply. Right, right, right. It's like going into a freestyle battle with pre-written lines. Right, right.

This doesn't mean anything. We're not having a conversation. Agreed. I think Brady would probably... Brady, I mean, because there's like a connection. He does press hits. He does... He has stories about us.

Yeah. He knows about us. I think that would be a better talk rather than a bigger name. I don't know... First of all, Brady's a bigger name, too. I don't know where it would fit, but I got to get Steve Cohen somehow, some way, one day. I got to do it. I also, along with Chechik.

I'd like to see all their faces next to each other, too. Chechik, Louie, Brady, and Charlie Day or Ryan Reynolds. I do want to have, I want to get Asa back in here so bad. First of all, shout out Brazzers Hall of Famer. Brazzers HOF. Yeah, which I don't know what took so fucking long. She posted, she won something. She was in the Hall of Fame, and Joanna Angel won something too.

I saw that. And she was like, I don't ever really boast about, we don't talk about ourselves, but we've been in this game literally 20 times longer than the average person. So I think they've been in it 20 years because they're the average born star last one year and so for her to be like like somebody brought a uh like a throwback thing yeah it was joanna brought like 10 years old yeah and she's still so fucking hot

asa's like and she finished it off being like our plastic bodies are still so hot so whatever she got work done but like still so super fucking hot. It's like, what the fuck, man? They are. I mean, I still follow us, obviously. But I would love to get her back in here. I just feel like, you know, like the way the world, like sexual content just fucking exploded, basically like right after her. That's got to be annoying.

I mean, I'm sure she doesn't give a fuck because she's like, whatever, I'm rich. But like it could have, you know, I don know if it it makes a difference that it's coming from an actual adult star versus a regular person or whatever but to be like yeah this is what i talked about and now it's at the time it was like a problem and now it was like now people like give me more sexual content it's fucking so um but yeah i mean chetchik is the number one. All right, let's get into our interview. Speaking of hot Asian chicks, we've got our interview with... Zhao Ying Summers. Zhao Ying Summers on the show.

Very funny interview. One of the more ridiculous interviews we've ever done. She is an absolute trip, so go check it out. Okay, it's your radio. You ready to rock? My manager loves you guys. Yeah? He's actually a barber man. Okay. He's so happy I'm doing this. out. This is from Vermont. This is Whistlepig. This is our favorite brand. I'm going to say that you are the fanciest person ever on our show.

Oh, my God. I'm so flattered. The dress, the hair, the boots. The fit is going crazy right now. I mean, usually we just have some dirt bag and a hoodie. And it's usually us. I'm trying very hard. I'm a single mom with no child support. I need to hustle.

It's not easy out there. How many kids do you have? Too many. I have two. Too many. Yeah, I did not learn from my mistakes. Stop it at one. I had a boy.

It's good. I never understand how girls do it twice or three times or multiple times. You just suffered through pregnancy and delivery. And then a couple months, a couple years, whatever, later, later you're like let's do it again are you fucking crazy it was pretty dumb i'll never do it again i actually we were this is very odd we were talking about dinner last night with my parents because my sister just had a baby and i spoke up on the matter because i'm sure an expert of course and i i thought i had heard before that it is like an actual evolutionary genetic thing that women forget the pain. I've heard of that pregnancy amnesia.

Because, yeah. I probably heard it from you. And I think I made it up. I think so. Yeah, I think so. That's the only explanation for why you guys would do it again is that your brain has forgotten it. Yeah. How old are they?

My son is four. My daughter, it doesn't really matter. She's almost two. my son is four my daughter it doesn't really matter she's she doesn't really matter she's almost two she's a girl I kept her I'm doing the best I can the only reason

it's not legal to you know in America I saw this Land of the Free but it's not I kept her oh shit

that's fucking funny you were like how old is that one again I don't even shit that's fucking funny you were like how old is that one again I don't even know it's alive still it's still alive that's what my mom used to say

if the kids are alive at five her job's done for the day yeah wait alive at 5pm 5pm how about alive

at five years old she's pretty close on that one too I've also heard though the flip side like if you have like four kids like once you have Like if you have like Four kids Like once you have four

You can have like ten You can have Yeah Once it's four At that point it's just like A free for all Yeah you are a hoarder It's done

You are a hoarder You are Yeah it's just It's done So that's not easy Having you know Babies Like still young kids

While you're gonna be touring And doing spots Yeah but if you don't care about them It's Fuck them Yeah young kids while you're gonna be touring and doing spots yeah but if you don't care about them my mom she moved to america to help me with the children yeah because she was like no one else gonna take care of these fucking things she's 51 she's young wow that is young yeah yeah so i'm lucky i have her she just helped me with the kids that's great that is great 51 is how old like maybe i'll have kids.

So that's about it. That's the good thing about being a man. You can have the kids when you're 91. Yeah. I also get to choose. I just pull it out. Yeah. Yeah.

That's really good. Not up to you guys. Yeah. I am a divorced dad, so I have two kids. A boy and a girl. A boy and a girl. Nice. And so when I have them, I'm alone'm alone with them too and it's just absolute chaos

it's like especially now that they're old enough I'm like they're almost 7 and 5 I'm like I don't know do whatever you want

play the video games watch the TV here's the liquor you wanna play with knives here's a lighter play with fire I'd rather you do it in the house than in the woods

do it under my roof so I can keep control of it but it's like yeah man I don't know whatever just stay alive survive in advance

just get to the next day but I really I mean that is are they a big part of your act you make fun of them a lot a little bit my son's kind of

not really smart so I don't want him to be triggered because when I was four I can code poetry I can speak Chinese perfectly he can barely speak he can't even speak English or Chinese

he's confused and I don't want to really say too much I don't want him to look at the tape and when I grow up that's why nobody's fucking me because my mom said my penis is small that's why she can't get me circumcised I don't want to say that Wednesday you are fine it will be. I don't want to say that.

Wednesday, you are fine. It'll be okay. Thank God you didn't say that. Yeah, you didn't. Thank God no one's ever going to have that on the record. Yeah, I didn't. I couldn't get you circumcised because your penis was too small. Yeah, I didn't want to do that because I don't want to trigger him. That is an interesting consideration.

He needs everything he can get. Yeah, right. If you're going if you're gonna trim a little off it is also interesting consideration just for parents like should i chop my dick like i want that's like just like i want my kid to have a good fucking dick on him yeah well yeah no you got to be honest with yourself at some point maybe you'll come as a guy it's like i want my kid to have a normal dick as a mom it's got to be a little more like well i like guys with normal dicks and i want him yeah yeah it's an edifice but yeah that's where edifice is born you're thinking about your kid's dick and

what he's gonna do with it as a mom that's fucking weird how about like there's the in the future the foreskin would have a comeback would i what come back like the foreskin become popular yeah no i think i think it's kind of having a moment. I think that doctors are kind of doing less. Like when you're still getting it, but they're trimming less. Have you seen the protesters? They are all ugly people, so I don't really care about them. Ugly people don't deserve opinions, right? Yeah, when they are protesting, I don't care what they are.

I want to see if they are hot people. If they are doing it, they are all ugly people. I'm like, why do you care about the penis if you look like that? You don't get any anyway. They walk around in full white with like big red splotches on their penis,

on their like pants. Oh, I have seen that. And it's like, they're holding up signs like, save the penises or something like that. It's rather bizarre. I actually think it's kind of a joke

rather than an actual protest because, or maybe they're just really sick people. It's hard to tell the difference, which is a scary thing. I do like that opinion, though. I only listen to hot people. Yeah, I don't care what you're protesting. Just in general or only when it comes to circumcision?

In general. In general, if you think about it. It's like people who care about the turtle too much. They kind of look like turtles. That's what's tough about the internet. You read some tweets. You read some articles you don't know

what they look like it's like put your face behind it and then I'll decide if I agree with you or not yeah exactly I want to you know

I only take advice from people I want to treat my place with if you look uglier than me I don't no I think not

I don't believe you something you are doing is wrong maybe your beliefs I gotta tell you this is a strong take and I'm totally with. I think not. I don't believe you. Something you are doing is wrong. Maybe your beliefs. I got to tell you, this is a strong take, and I'm totally with you. I love it. Now, wait. Also, don't you got to think the opposite?

It depends on what you're talking about, I guess. Talking about being hot and having sex and relationships, I want to talk to hot people. But if it's smart shit, don't you want the ugly people because they're the nerds? Yeah. I want to listen to them, but that's all. I think still no. You still want the ugly people because they're like the nerds yeah there's yeah I want to listen to them but that's all I think still no you still want the hot people

I still think you want like a fucking hot like IG chick looking girl to be like telling you about I don't know

science well I understand about girls we don't want any girls we're not listening to any of the women we're listening to strictly hot men

like a normal straight guy We're not listening to any of the women. Right? Yeah. Women and girls are not. Strictly hot men. Like a normal straight guy. I can listen to smart people talk. Yeah. I think it's sexy. Intelligence is sexy. Do you think that girls are smart? All girls?

Also. Yeah, if we just had to, you know, speak generally. Are girls smart? There's smart women. But they make people angry because they are smart. People hate them, so the people don't listen to them. They're dumb bitches. They say dumb shit. People love them, and then everybody thinks the women are stupid, but it's not the truth. I can't believe people have that opinion because, I don't know, when you were in elementary school and you had a group project.

The girls were the smartest. Didn't you? I'm with the girls. I'm with the girls. yes fucking idiots can go over there pull your part and and then something happens where they just get done I remember like I would run to Stephanie Francesca was like I'm using actual government names Stephanie was fucking smart then the girls and we understand that so when we appear dumber we get the guys to do things for us

so it's actually it's actually smart to pretend you're dumb but then the first girls are pretending to be dumb and the girls actually start to get dumb

you know what I mean yeah you should stop thinking about it just pay for this just pay for that yeah I don't want to think but like

you know why are you smart it's like to to like get a job and to be able to pay for things and it's like well if I just have someone else who does all that for me don't fucking care yeah like you know You know, why are you smart? It's like to get a job and to be able to pay for things. And it's like, well, if I just have someone else

who does all that for me, don't fucking care. Yeah, like, you know, when you are flying a private jet, you have a bottle of red wine, you pour it on Rupert Murdoch's crotch, and he's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Next year, you land in Hong Kong, you become the head of, I don't know, the head of Fox in Hong Kong. You got Fox, you have Sky News, you got a head of I don't know the head of Fox you got Fox you have Sky News you got a lot of news

I'm so sorry Myspace I'm so sorry I can't see I went to I went to Stanford but I did not know the wine is red

so why are you even doing stand up then you know why don't you just go do that I'll just tell you what my mom said I've been doing acting.

I started acting, but my accent is kind of hard. Like, I auditioned for Fresh with the Boats. She said, your accent is too much. For what? For Fresh with the Boats. I'm like, but I am Fresh with the Boats. Yeah, yeah. Constantly with fucking Virginia.

That bitch is from Virginia. She's from Virginia. Like, this is not fair. And my mom, I said, said mom I'll be doing stand up She goes What? I said it's comedy She's like just

Okay just because You failed in acting Because you are unattractive Doesn't mean you can make it in comedy Actually mom That's exactly what it means Yeah That's exactly what stand up comedy is

Whenever my mom says something Whenever I ask her What do you mean? And she says something worse. It's because not all ugly people are funny. But most of us are. But most of us are. Because you have to.

Most of us who are, you got to like, anybody who has made it in anything has to be funny. If you're ugly, like if you're ugly and you are like a bum, like a homeless person, you're ugly and not funny. Right. If you're ugly and you have like any sort of income and any sort of life, you're probably funny.

But not even funny, but you just like as an ugly child. Oh, I was very ugly. Oh my God. You got to learn to have a personality. You got to learn

to bring someone to the table. I have a whole bit about America's lying to our children about that they are not ugly. It's not fair. You are ruining their lives. Yeah.

China will tell you. How well are we talking with you? Oh, God. So, well, my nickname was Cage Fighter. Cage Fighter? Yeah. Just because you were like a monster looking? Yeah.

Other than being a monster, it's the beauty standard in China is very different. Like in America, we would want you to have full and that tan skin, but in China tan skin is ugly full lips is my lips was dumpling lips and Having like a defined jawline is considered ugly. So I was born I gotta get the fuck over to America Yeah, I didn't my penis was missing. I was completely nobody wanted me My mom did not want me.

My dad was taking me to the dumpster. Like, they did not want me because I didn't have a penis. Mean ladies, that's why. Yeah, yeah. It was really tough. And I know I was ugly because she tell me every day,

she's like, I have an A- from school. She'll be like, I did not bring you back from the dumpster for A-. I'm like, mom, it's PE class. We did not save you. Jump higher. It's PE class. We did not save you. Jump higher. It's PE class. Jump higher,

you dumb bitch. We did not save you from the side of that mountain. It's for you not to be able to do jumping jacks in gym class. Yeah, it's just brutal.

And I actually got into stand-up. I auditioned for John Singleton's TV series and he, I forgot the line. I started improvising and he was laughing. He thought I was funny and he's like, you should do stand-up, you'll be a star. I said, do I have the role I started improvising and he was laughing he thought I was funny

and he's like you should do stand up you'll be a star I said do I have the role now he's like hell no I don't understand I don't understand what you're saying

do you know what the show was do you remember the show it was it called Rebel it's a TV show about this black girl she's from Oakland

she's a cop and she had a sidekick it's a Chinese girl she was born in Oakland she has this you know accent from Oakland got it and I have and she had a sidekick. It's a Chinese girl. She was born in Oakland. She has this, you know, accent from Oakland. Got it.

And I have the me love you long time accent. Yeah. This is Rush Hour TV show. I'm in. Yeah. Basically. He got my phone number.

He kept texting me to go to open mic. John Singleton was really believing I could make it in stand up. When did that start? How long ago? I didn't do it immediately.

I just thought that was a big defeat. I'm like, if he think I'll be a star, he'll book me for the role. But he didn't. So that's just a no. And I just got really bitter. I went back to China.

And I started getting roles in China. But in China, it's very different. I was able to get this major role playing this Chinese girl who went to America. So she speaks English. And she's a romantic lead. She's like, but they don't like how I look. They want me to bleach my skin,

remove my, basically just like remove my jawline to make it like a V shape. In China, you want to have the V shape. It's like fun, bing, bing. And then also like literally, they want me to have the IV treatment

to remove the melatonin from my skin so I look whiter. They want to turn into Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yes, exactly. So I said, well, I'm...

They said, like, this is what you got to do? It's required. Just so you know, we're not allowed to say that stuff here. Yeah. So I said,

but I'm this girl who came from California, a Chinese girl, which means I'll be tanned if... No, no, no. If you are tanned, if you are dark,

you are not convincing for Chinese audience as a lead. You'll be the sad bitch. You'll be the girl I saw the wall with Matt Damon. I think that'd be fine. Yeah, what the fuck?

There are plenty of people who don't look exactly like... So, it was hard for me because coming to America helped me overcome my look. I literally, I went to Kentucky for college I went to What school?

University of Kentucky Okay What made you go there? I just applied for a lot of schools And I got my first offer I just I did the same thing I just want to come

I just applied to a bunch of southern schools Because my mom didn't want me to come to America And I don't want to hurt her mind I just wanted to get on a plane Immediately Before she take me back to dumpster So you get to Kentucky Oh my god And you're like I just wanted to get on a plane immediately before she take me back to dumpster. So you get to Kentucky.

Oh my God. And you're like fresh off the boat. Oh yeah. And I mean, that is a crazy culture shock. I can't speak English. I couldn't speak anything. They can't either though. Yeah, they can't either. So the teacher asked me,

what do you want to major in? I said, I'd like to have a lot of money I want to major in fiance I mean finance but he was like that's what most people

at southern schools major in is fiance yeah ring by spring you also want a green card that would be good if I could get one of those

yeah that would be great did you end up getting married or no I have two marriages both of them left me. I left them. I left them.

Where's the camera? I left them. Yeah, it's fine. Is that on the record? It's fine, yeah. Are both kids from one guy or one of them? The first husband, we didn't have kids. The second one, we had two kids.

Yeah. They are all like long relationships. I don't really get married for a month. They are my longest relationships. I didn't have kids the second one we had two kids yeah they are all like long relationships i don't really just get married for a month like is they are my longest relationships i i didn't have too much boyfriends i just the the first one we're together for like seven years the second guy is like five years whoa oh wow so i i'm like a long term relationship kind of person yeah that's like your whole fucking you know dating life yeah that's why i want to be like i wanted to have my college

slut years I didn't have it you didn't have your college slut years yeah I regret it forever have them ladies have them so you don't say yes

when they propose because you're like I've seen better that's that's what happens to me every time that should be you can't say like

now I understand how dumb I am. You just see a guy, you're like, he's a one. He's the love of my life. No. Did you fuck all of the rest of the guys? How do you know?

You didn't fuck all of the other guys. You would never know that. It's a lie. You gotta fuck every single one before you know who the one is. I mean, you can say he's kind of the one. It's fine. But when you say he's the one,

it means you fucked all of the rest of the guys. If you do that, you can't say he's the one. You can say he could be the one. This is good advice. He could be the one. It means you fuck all of the rest of the guys. If you do that, you can't say he's the one. You can say he could be the one. This is good advice. He could be the one. Ladies, fuck everybody. Don't be so sure.

Don't be so sure. But he's the one. He may not be. So podcasters, anyone else, fuck them for sure. Yeah, he may not be the one. We'll test it out for you. We'll let you know who the one is. So you think that you can have your slutty years

whether it's like four years in college or four years in your 20s or four years in your 30s, whatever. You can have your slutty days whenever you want them? I think now I can't have it anymore

because I'm getting more successful. You can't be a slut if you're successful? Yeah, because people are like, oh, yeah,

they'll say things about you. Fuck them. They will. They'll say, there's one successful slut over there. Yeah, if you kiss them, they'll be like, oh my yeah, they'll say things about you. Fuck them. They will. They'll say there is one successful slut over there. Yeah, if you kiss them, they'll be like, oh my God, she sucked my dick so hard. I'm like, I've never seen your dick.

Like, why would you say that? It's ridiculous. And also, do you know how funny? I own a comedy club in LA, right? Wait, you own it. I own it. When I started the comedy, I bought a club so I can go on stage.

That's what happens when you don't marry for love. You know what I mean? I clubbed the first month in comedy. club so I can go on stage. That's what happens when you don't marry for love. I made a club the first month in comedy. And then I just work very hard. I do 10 open mics a day when I just started so I can get all the bombing out of the way. And then people start, like now things are getting better. I just realized people are starting to talk shit about me.

They're like, oh my God, they are talking like, oh, I use that club so I can fuck all the male comedians. I'm like, the only time I'm fucking a guy is for my own career i'm not gonna get them on my fucking stage you think i'm stupid or something i don't mind the fucking a guy for for something but it's for my own career i don't fuck up broke open mic i was gonna say particularly particularly male comedians there's not a bunch that are worth fucking. No. The one who was fucking died. Like George Carlin died. I would fuck him, but he died.

I would fuck him when he's 90, but he died. He died on me. But you will fuck to advance your career. I think I realize that you can't fuck. Ladies, if you're actress, keep fucking, keep sucking the dick. It's going to help. But if you are a comedian, it doesn't work. No, because then they don't think you're funny.

Also, you go on stage. Every 15 seconds, you die. It's on you. You can suck a really nice dick who's going to put you on the stage, but then you go to your bum. Right, right. Because as an actress, you can have your acting coach, you can have the director give you 20 takes until you look good. And they hide it.

They hide it. Then you look like you can act like, you know, you yeah comedy is just comedy you go on stage it's you you you bum they know you fucked your way up there and nobody want you back again yeah so i can't you if i did that i would just make my act i'd be like i fucked my way up yeah yeah my jokes about that yeah that's smart yeah but it's it works in acting is it getting harder to fuck your way to the top because guys are now a little like nervous about doing that

for stand up I've seen girls who would fuck guys to get but they can't go further because they can only get on a few shows and then people know

they are not funny because it's actually better to not get on bigger shows when you are unfunny because you look extremely unfunny you get exposed yeah

you go next to people like Sarah Silverman and you are unfunny because you look extremely unfunny. You get exposed. Yeah. You're around other funny people. You go next to people like Sarah Silverman and you go there and you just look like a fucking moron. It's disgusting. It's literally suicidal. It's suicidal.

But if you are an actress, you can just play a whore in a major Marvel movie and you become a star and you just do a whore thing. You have a script. You can just do it. But a stand-up is different.

Well, I guess now I'm older, I don't really need to fuck anybody because I have money, I have stage time, and I have, really, I have the kids to drive me to now, like, they are my drive.

I have to hustle because I don't have plan B because I didn't take any and it's too late to take any, but I'll take, yeah, I have IOD. I have my IOD

and I'm not having kids. That's working? It works, yeah, but also, I don't have dicks I have my IOD and I'm not having kids that's working it works yeah but also I don't have dicks nobody wants to fuck a female comedian

you are a female comedian that moment you become a female comedian you can actually remove your IOD because being a female comedian is a natural method of birth control

nobody's gonna touch you we heard this just the other day with Jordan nobody wants to fuck a girl she was saying that nobody that guys can like fuck a million groupies and that the only male groupies who want to fuck the female comedians are not fuckable.

They are bad. I say like one man make a woman laugh, you know, her heart opens up a little bit. Her pussy open up a little bit more. Like a woman, you make a man laugh, you're punching on his balls. He be like, that'll be it. He'll walk away. It is like, and maybe it's because I put a lot of stock in my ability to, I hope people think I'm funny. And I would find that far more emasculating.

If a girl was funnier than me. If I went out with a girl and we're all sitting at the bar, we're standing in a circle drinking and she's just got the whole group laughing. And I'm just sitting there like, okay. God, I'm such a fucking loser. I think so. Women is intimidating to be funnier than a man. If she was picking up the checks, I'm fine with that. I'm like, yeah, go ahead.

That's fantastic. Be funny. You majored in finance. It's all you. But if it was like, she's so funny to me, I'm like, God, I wish I was funny. What if she's funny? I'd be very jealous. I would be jealous. What if she's funny and – I'd be very jealous. I would be jealous.

What if she's funny and picking up the checks? I'd take it easier, but I'd say – It still would hurt. It would still hurt. Oh, it would definitely hurt. I'm just wondering at what point could I swallow it and be like, well, I'll still be in a relationship with you. Pretty quickly, bro.

Bro, I don't have a great life. She's got the money. She's got the club. She's hot. She can do it, right? I'd be like, all right. I think you can do it for sure. You can still crack the jokes. I thought the only thing I have is a nice tight pussy, but I guess I have other things too.

Okay. That's nice. That's a nice bonus. Yeah. And that's the list. Yes. Yeah. You can say it to the camera again if you want.

Yeah, let them know. Yeah. I may be a dumb whore who has no talent, who's from the dumpster, but goddamn, this pussy's tight. The only thing that's made in China is worth waiting for. That's the only thing that's made in China that doesn't break.

Wow. Wow. Wow Wow So wait What do your What do your parents Think of your comedy career So I Did you have Like

The Kind of the Stereotypical Like you said You came in with an A- And she was like You're a fucking idiot Yeah

Did you have that Tiger mom type shit Yeah she You're a tiger milf right That's what the tour is type shit? Yeah, she... You're a tiger milf, right? That's what the tour is called? Yeah, my... Tour is special, it's tiger milf. Yes, tiger milf.

It's also my podcast, Tiger Milf. Yeah, I think tiger mom, but a milf, you know, because you think... I think my mom, she came to see me at one show. It's performing... I was performing for Asia Society,

which is Rockefeller Foundation with all the super rich people, and I made everybody laugh laugh my mom was sitting next to lisa ling oh wow lisa ling was giving her getting all getting her more fish and my mom was like what's your name again lisa who i'm like that goes my career in hollywood mom is the audience all asian they are like asian and um white guys with yellow fever you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about that? I feel like a lot of white guys, a lot of guys in general like Asian women. But every time I see a poll or a study or they ask a thousand college people or a thousand girls, Asian guys are always at the bottom. I know.

It's really sad. It is. It's bad for them. Because Asian men have so much power in Asia because there's no racism. They are, literally, they are the people in power, the Asian men. They can be toxic.

But Asian men here, like I was so abused, mentally abused by Asian men in China. When I was in Kentucky, I have like really nice, hot Asian boys when they meet. I just give them a side eye. I'm like, fuck you.

You think I'm ugly, you dumb bitch. Fuck you. Because all the Asian men in China think my skin's too dark. hot Asian boys want to date me I just give them the side eye I'm like fuck you you think I'm ugly you dumb bitch fuck you because all the Asian men in China think my skin's too dark they're used to that too fat my face too big

and whatever it is my lips too big that's crazy and then I just hate them but now I realize that they are actually they actually

they're just they don't have that kind of toxic beauty standards towards me they don't think I should just stay home and cook food. but it's harder.

It's very toxic for Asians. I have a lot of jokes about Asian men in America. Like when they are kids, people just make fun of them. Your penis is small. Yeah, that's the go-to. Did you suck all the Asian dicks?

Suck all of them? You have to have a big sample. If you tell this Asian man, all Asian dicks are small, you have to be able Suck all of them? You have to have a big sample. If you tell this Asian man all Asian dicks are small, you have to be able to suck all of them. You didn't say that. You have to do your homework. You got only Asian dicks.

I hope Bruce Lee fucks you in the ass. He'll be like, fuck you. Be like water. Not all Asian dicks small. Bruce Lee had the one inch punch right He's good I was gonna say

I gotta imagine If you're doing one inch punches Yeah you're doing You can fuck a little bit Yeah Were your Husbands white Or Asian

My first one is Oh my god I was like Well people tell me Like I remember like Last week I was doing this show

My manager Because I took a spot Jamie O'Yan was supposed to do it And he this show my manager because I took a spot Jamie O'Neill was supposed to do it and he didn't do it so I took the spot last minute and I sold out

she's like I can't believe you sold out on Thursday I said I sell everything I sell all my husband and my shows that's what I do

don't be surprised so yeah my first husband is Russian American second one is Chinese but the problem is that he's Chinese from China.

I should pick a Chinese man from here. Yes. Then they'll appreciate me. He's a Chinese guy from China. He doesn't appreciate you. He pretends he appreciate me. Then he thinks I'm fat and ugly and stupid. I'm like, you're my mom is a dick.

Fuck you. You're my mom is a dick. Right? And so you said that was four months? You were married for four months? Oh, four years. Four years? Yes.

I'm a long-term relationship lady. Yeah, it was seven years with a Russian-American? Yeah. What do you mean a Russian-American? Well, he was born in Russia, and then his family moved here when he was like four. Wow. We met in college. He's smart.

He's like the geek. He's also cute. Do you ever just fuck around with just like a white guy? Well, the first guy is white, right? I had a white boyfriend, a Kentucky boy. Yeah, that's what the geek. He's also cute. Do you ever just fuck around with just like a white guy? Well, the first guy is white, right? I had a white boyfriend, a Kentucky boy. Yeah, that's what I mean. He's like an American. Kentucky boy.

He's a white guy. He has like a southern accent. He likes football. I think so. I think so. Yeah, what did he think? I think I found out he was cheating on me. But I'm so smart.

He can't. Like we have the same family plan with AT&T. And I was going over his bill. I know he's texting the same number over and over and over again. So I investigated on Facebook and I logged in his account

because I know what his password is because I saw it when he created it and I took a note, you know. Yeah, you know,

women. It's a whole spy, the communist spy shit. I'm like, I know what's going on. Yeah. And then I literally, I was chatting with his girlfriend.

It was the girl he's cheating on me. I was chatting with her as him for a day. Oh, that's a lot of chatting. It's a long time. So, yeah. What were you saying? I proposed to her. You what?

I just told her that I really am in love. I'm thinking about asking her for marriage. And she was so excited. And then what happened? Like your boyfriend told you like, by the way, check your Facebook? Then he, I think he thinks something's wrong and then he come to see me

and I, for like Thanksgiving to meet his, to see his parents and then I just, I gave him the ring but he proposed to me. So wait, you went to Thanksgiving so you knew he was cheating yeah you fuck around on his Facebook

and chat as him yeah and then it's Thanksgiving I returned the ring at Thanksgiving right before he's picking me up to see

he didn't know I know anything and so I got rid of him and he got a girl so he's gonna propose to her crazy that is so they broke up so you've you've gotten three rings you're like j-lo right j-lo's got six you got yeah i have three so far yeah but i now i'm a

comedian so nobody's gonna ever ask me we used to do you have a number you want to hit how many rings you get i mean as many as i can but like liz taylor but like she's a movie star i'm a comedian like it's different and nobody's gonna ask me to marry them anymore it's fine I have two kids you know it's fine

we used to even my daughter is cute you know you gotta find another guy like a single guy who has a couple kids I I

but I want to I want to date a married married guy because how do you know they are marriage material so you so you find a divorce guy

yeah I want to know a guy who was? So you find a divorce guy? Yeah. I want to know a guy who was married. Or you want him to be currently married. Or like used to marry. So you know his marriage material. Because there's guys, they will date you for 20 years. They what?

They will date you for like 20 years. They will marry you. And you feel like there's something wrong about you. Like a crazy stupid love, right? In the movie? Yeah. What was it like it was it was ben affleck with jennifer aniston right oh geely i think in the movie he won't propose to her he won't get married like a crazy stupid love crazy stupid love does not

happen no it's not that one it's literally something else with um jennifer uh aniston and ben affleck he won't ask her to marry One of those stupid Well yeah Honestly I'm surprised I haven't seen it I've seen both Just go with it Oh she knows

The women are smart Even the blondes Are smarter than us I was blonde Then I turned back To black hair It was my divorce hair I was

Yeah you had a phase Where you're like I'm gonna be a blonde bitch Yeah then I Then I moved back To black hair Did you like a phase where you're like, I'm going to be a blonde bitch? Yeah, then I moved back to black hair. Did you go wild when you first got divorced?

I mean, I cried, but then I realized I can't cry too hard because, you know, wrinkles. So I went to my doctor immediately. I went to my plastic surgeon. I'm like,

get the face, look good. What else do we need? Because I need to look good. Well, I don't know if it's you or him, but you look great. Thank you so much. Thank God for depression.

I lost 15 pounds. Yeah, there you go. That's the best part of it. Wait, see, that's fucked up. When people say this, I'm like, what are you talking about? You lost weight with depression.

You've been depressed for so long and you're fat as fuck. I just eat so much. I do it in bed. You're not depressed enough, John. So you just didn't eat when you were depressed?

I don't eat because I look how disgusting I am. I vomit. I completely agree with that. When I go in the mirror, when I'm heavy depressed, I don't look in the mirror. I make sure I don't see the mirror. I brush my teeth out. You're not supporting eating disorders. I have a lot of makeup, fake eyelashes, and big cat eyes.

I'm like, how can you still look chinky? I start crying. Why makeup can't. Why makeup can't fix this? How about, I saw the girls who get. Fox eye. To look like. No, yeah, well, that's that, right?

But I've seen the girls who get the hooded. They want it to be hooded, right? I know. So they like pinch back in here. Yeah. Oh, is it? Like, it's called fox eye. They pinch it like this. So your fuxx eye they pinch it like this

so your eye look oh so it comes up a bit yeah so it look younger and like more like a swingy-ish you can get a jewish director i don't know what it is but then there's like you know how like how see how mine go in like i have a hood yeah that like like yeah yeah i thought that's just like extra skin kind of is. They lifted it. As a culture, they don't have that. So some girls will get it like pinched in so that you do have the hood. I don't even know what we're talking about. Oh, yeah.

So you mean like a double eyelid surgery, right? Yeah. Yes, double eyelids. Yeah. Okay. We have a double eyelid. It's like a flatter eye. So they just kind of have like the one eyelid.

We have it like in. A Chinese mom, when you are a little girl, when you are five years old, a Chinese mom should tell her child, Lily, there are two kinds of people in the world. The one with double eyelids, the one without. Which one do you want to be? It's like Barbara Streisand said when she turned 17. You can choose one gift, a fur coat or a nose job. Take the nose job.

She chooses the fur coat. Take the nose job every time. fur coat Take the nose job every time Jackie just got a nose job Oh nice Yeah Good job She's loving it She always

She turns She loves the She said good job Good job Good job She looks good Yeah Thank you

She has a Rachel Green from Friends Oh my god Thank you Wow That's huge That's a great one Yeah

You can do the Rachel hair Thank you You just made her weak I really need weak we're not gonna hear the end of that yeah remember when she called me jennifer aniston i'm not now i'm when she wasn't friends she still looks pretty good she's still hot she looks pretty good she's so good she's so hot yeah she she's like i think her ideal weight is like 108 pounds she She's just so hot. Yeah. Well, she's like 50 now and she looks great. She probably got a lot of work done too.

But in general, I think a cigarette is good for you. Yeah. I smoke cigarettes and somebody will be like, you can't smoke. It's disgusting. I'm like,

why? He's like, I just think a woman smoking a cigarette is disgusting. Why would you put it into your mouth? I'm like, I'm not going to give you a blowjob. Don't worry about it.

Your dick's safe. Right? Like, why do you worry about my mouth being disgusting? You think I'm like I'm not gonna give you a blowjob don't worry about it your dick's safe right like why do you worry about my mouth being disgusting you think I'm gonna suck your dick if I'm sucking your dick you can you know be like why don't you

don't do that I'm not gonna suck your dick you can blow smoke right on my dick I don't care at all in fact I would let you I wouldn't care

maybe kissing is not as good but you can have whatever going on in your mouth if you suck my dick you got a trench mouth man I don't give a fuck Maybe kissing is not as good, but you can have whatever is going on in your mouth if you suck my dick. Yeah. You got a trench mouth, man.

I don't give a fuck. So what do you got going? We got the podcast. We've got dates. We've got tours. What's up? Yes. I'm working on a TV show, a sitcom, Tiger Mouth, about my life, running a club.

I had two clubs. I sold one. What's the name of the club? It's a Hollywood comedy on Melrose and Covinga next to Paramount that's a owning your own club is a big deal

it's very good because you can go play whenever you want it's an amazing way to network with all the good comedians they can run their set before they go to big clubs

they can just it's like a mile less than a mile and a half away from the law factory the improv and the comedy store sure so they can run there

do you have to deal with a lot of like the comedy like politics the improv, and the comedy store. So they can run there. Do you have to deal with a lot of like the comedy, like politics bullshit? Like who gets on stage and who gets time and all that shit? I think I have three staff

working and then I have like 10 open mic hosts. So they rotate. I have a big team that they work hard. So I try not to have people text me for spots because I don't.

Who's the worst comic in the game? Can I say the name? I can't say the name. Edward? No. Edward? No't who's the worst comic in the game can I see the name I can't see the name Edward no Edward no

the people like I I have this person come to an open mic and then he's like this is my performance how much are you paying me

for an open mic get lost I'm like what he's like how much are you paying me I'm like you think I'm gonna pay you 30 bucks to watch your bomb people are ridiculous yeah yeah so

I mean that's a lot to all I'm a national headliner I'm a headliner yeah I'm like yeah go to the comedy store go to the comedy store yeah I'm so important have no idea I'm like I I don't speak English if you are famous I will know you yeah that's great I'm a headliner is something where

it's like if you're saying it you're not right if you have to tell somebody and they don't just already know it then you may

some of you can't afford it if you have to ask you can't afford it you can't afford it yep alright well we appreciate you coming through this was great

thank you for having me Tiger Bell everybody go check it out thank you so much don't be a stranger that was very funny Thursday is my one hour show at the stand

for the Love Factory for the New York Comedy Festival one hour so go see her Thursday night at the stand what's the date the 12th

November 12th Thursday November 12th at the stand for the Comedy Festival in the main room she's the main room bitch she's not a sad bitch thank you so much

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