KFC Radio - Answer the Internet The App is Here, Rob Schneider, and Ravi Patel

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

Download Answer the Internet the App Now: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/answer-the-internet/id1514656026 -Answer the Internet the App is here! Download it now and use the hashtag #HappyBirthdayJohnnyBoy -AITA Thursday Returns with the punisher clown and catching feelings catfishing -Voicemails include drinking beer at noon, bad food does some good, and incepting the algorithm (01:48:30) Rob Schneider joins the show! He tells us stories about his years in comedy that include Robin Williams, Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfeld and much more. (02:20:00) Ravi Patel joins the show! We talk about how quarantine has reverted our age, having an addiction to working, his new show Ravi Patel's Pursuit of Happiness where he travels around the world diving into different aspect of life. That premieres August 27th on HBO Max make sure to check it out. #HappyBirthdayJohnnyBoy Let us know what you think on twitter: @kfcradio @kfcbarstool @feitsbarstool @RobSchneider @ShowMeTheRaviYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. I think there's just a part of me, not the full thing, which it would be a lot more beneficial if I fully was from the future. But I think a part of my brain is from the future. I think maybe there's a chip in me. The aliens are very disappointed in me. I'm just writing in my head right now, Mother Teresa porn. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network, and it's a big day for the KFC Radio crew. A watershed moment, monumental day.

I feel like there's been a couple stops along the way of big announcements with podcast changes and things dropping and being created, but this is a big one today. We are officially releasing the Answer the Internet app. So we've been selling the card game for what? Almost like 18 months now? No. Fuck no.

No? No. A year? Heavens no. I don't think a year yet. I think October will be a year. Really? Wow.

We have not even been doing this for a year. 18 months was a big guess. I thought that it was over a year. I mean, time doesn't exist anymore. Time doesn't, nothing's real. It doesn last October. We have not even been doing this for a year. 18 months was a big guess. I thought that it was over a year. I mean, time doesn't exist anymore. Time doesn't, nothing's real. It doesn't matter. But no, it's been less than a year. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, I'm thinking, because we released it in what, like, I want to say like October or something, right? October. It was right around Halloween, because I remember thinking maybe Halloween weekend people will play it or some shit. So, yeah, less than a year. And people have been asking for it for a while. It only made sense to do it. I didn't want to necessarily step on the toes of the card game

too much, but then along comes the pandemic and everybody's at home. And we just figured, let's go digital with it and release the app. So the ATI app is here. You can download it for free with a handful of questions from the card game, so some of the best from the original 500.

And then after that, it's five expansion packs, 50 questions per pack, all different themes. You can bundle them all together. If you want to buy them, you can buy them individually or buy three of them or buy all five of them. If you don't get this app, I want to them it's it's if you don't get this app i want to be very clear here if you don't get this app you're a fucking idiot it's so easy there's so many times when you're just sitting around the house and you're like like a house party you're

just like farting around with your friends and you're like ah what like it's just kind of silently fuck around on your phones yeah these are awesome fantastic questions that are just like fucking funny and they just spiral out of control. You have crazy conversations about them. I've had a flood in my mentions recently. And everyone's like, John, your birthday is coming up. We don't know what to get you. And here's what I'm going to get for you.

John, your birthday is August 14th on Friday. It's Friday, right? I got you a present. Get me a present by just downloading this. It's free. Download it. Rate it five stars. Tweet me the screenshot of you having it with hashtag happy birthday, Johnny boy.

And we'll all have a great John's birthday on August 14th. Look at this. Look how easy it is. August 13th it comes out. We got the QR code up on the screen. You pop your phone up to it. Bam. It finds it in your fucking phone. Right in the app store.

Download it. I want this son of a bitch to get to number one. There's so many apps here at Barstool. So many things that drop and they immediately climb the charts. I would very much appreciate for my birthday, which is August 14th, you getting

this app to number one. Happy birthday, Johnny! Hashtag. Hashtag happy birthday, which is August 14th, you getting this app to number one. Happy birthday, Johnny! Hashtag. Hashtag happy birthday, Johnny. I guess we've been kind of leaking it a little bit. I'm in a good mood. The Bruins just won a fucking playoff game. You're a little bit drunk. I'm like, I'm not drunk. I've only had one high noon. I thought that was number two at least. This is my second. I just cracked it.

Trust me, Kevin. It takes fucking one high noon and some heroin to get me high so if i'm only getting one high noon in me hey i'm okay i'm just i'm fucking just jacked up about this app i'm jacked up about my birthday which on august 14th and i'm jacked up about the bruins win we've been kind of like leaking this and and talking about it but so i guess some people already uh snuck a download, and we have a review. Our first review is in,

which is honestly like, did one of you do this? Because this sounds like a fucking plant. It's perfect. We used to play Cards Against Humanity at family gatherings, but ever since Fights in KFC came out with this game, I have my grandma saying more raunchy shit

that I wish I didn't hear. Honestly, it's the funnest game ever. Like, that's the advertisement. It does sound like a plant. I'll agree with you there. It sounds like a plant, but but it was not me was that like the dude who designed the app i mean that that's almost too good to be true but uh there are five ratings out there already all five stars so please rate it it's got everything on it too it's got like all the videos all it's got tons of cards open it up um let me go back to all the videos i mean all the uh the celebrities so when you when you're it up, let me go back to the beginning. All the videos. I mean, all the celebrities you have.

So when you're on the homepage, it says there's a button that just says start playing. Or you can scroll right down. If you're watching on YouTube or a clip right now, you can see these are all the videos of ATI. All of your favorite celebrities. Oh, we got to get rid of that Chris D'Elia one. Oh, I mean, what? Well, I was thinking that. It was like, yeah, fuck it.

I don't know. I didn't know what he was when he did that. Yeah, you're right. There's a bell of danger. Andrew Schultz, Dan Soder, Jim Gaffigan. I mean, you know, DeStefano, KSI. The list goes on and on and on. And now you can play it yourselves.

And, you know, as much as I love the card game, and as much as I do, I think you still should get the card game if you have party nights and couple gatherings and stuff, because there is something about having the cards and playing together. But obviously, the point is you've got it right in your pocket now. And we used to grab stacks of them and bring them to the bar. It's like, you've got to bring them to and from, or you lose's a pain. You know, you don't want to, you got to bring them to and from, or you lose some or whatever.

And now, uh, you don't have to worry about any of that. You just got to write it in your, in your pocket. It is, it is an app. It is free people.

It costs $0. It is insane. If you don't download this app for my birthday, hashtag happy birthday, Johnny, I'm just going to keep saying that. I did. I get it once kind of as a joke

but also kind of seriously i'm gonna bury that joke into the ground this episode you know if you don't like me saying hashtag happy birthday johnny just stop now john hasn't john hasn't asked for anything ever this is the one time he's asking for something it's hashtag happy birthday johnny and uh uh but for real i mean we we just saw the success of the stool streams app uh playboy was the original hashtag. Oh, I'm sorry. I already screwed up. Hashtag happy birthday, Johnny Boy.

Not a mouthful at all. Yeah. Leave it. Subscribe. Not subscribe. Download. Rate it. Leave a review.

Great app. Hashtag happy birthday, Johnny Boy. If you download it, best reviews. We have new merch coming out, and I'll give you a free hoodie. Wow. Yeah, we'll do five free hoodies to the five best reviews. So you've got to be funny, you've got to be clever,

and you have to be exceptionally complimentary. Five stars, leave a good review, and we'll have Nick and BC bc go through the the reviews and whoever leaves the funniest best ones i'll give you a hook you up with some new we have i have i'm working on hoodies right now that i am putting my name and my reputation on this they will be the softest most comfortable hoodies you will ever wear yeah like i i did it with the indoors line and i and i learned from that and i know what materials to use and shit now. We're going to apply it to the hoodie game because the indoors line is great, but it's like, you know, it's pajamas.

You wear it inside. This will be a hoodie that you can rock outdoors like to, you know, when you're out in the world, and it will be. Are you showing off the guns today, babe? Straight up. I can't fit the sleeve over my shoulder. I was going to say, what do you know? I was hot. It's so fucking hot in here.

I'm sweating. I feel like I have a sweaty face where it looks like glistening. For whatever reason, usually the studios are icy cold. Now they're hot as fuck. But anyway, five best reviews and when those hoodies drop, I will buy you your hoodie. Most comfortable you'll

ever wear. It should have the best app in the world and the fucking best hoodie in the world. And I'm proud of this shit. I really am. Like I said, we just dropped the Play Barstool app with Hank and I watched how successful that was and I really want the same thing for the KFC Radio

crew because it's been a long road. This is one of the best things that we do at Barstool and I'm very proud that we have this spin-off. It's almost like its own separate company in a way and obviously an app only made sense and i knew we were going to do an app but i thought it was going to be like way down the road and uh the fact that it materialized as as popular as it was enough so that there was a demand for an app as quickly as it did uh it's pretty fucking awesome and uh we i made sure that they left this like open-ended so um this is kind of

like the initial run of the ati app but again i think of this as like a separate company and i thought to myself if this was all that i did what will we want the app to look like and i have visions that are much more right now it's it's all of the videos that you can watch and all the games. We're going to add features where you can submit your own questions. We're going to add features where you can favorite your own questions. So you almost create your own deck. But I also have visions of, you know, you have a username and you sign up and you have an ATI profile and it kind of keeps track of all your answers. You can match with people who have similar answers um you can you know almost like keep score

in a way or like here's all the people who answered the same way you did so i want to almost create like an entire ati community based around um based around these questions almost i want to have like a heads up feature remember i mean everybody where you could film the the party playing heads up like if you if you can capture your friends on camera being like, yeah, I'd fucking kill her, I think there's going to be some great viral videos that come out of this. So I want it to be like a user-generated experience, and I think we're going to have a lot of success with this.

But right now, this is the first run of it, and you're going to get the five new packs. what we're gonna do today is uh play we'll do a couple questions from each of the new expansion oh yeah they're all new cards they're all new questions i forgot we said that we didn't say that it starts with two decks when you download it you get two decks that are the best of and that comes with um some questions from the original, which were like the OG best questions from KFC Radio. Now it's five new packs with five different themes that are some of the new shit and some of the best, like the second wave of best questions

and new questions that we've encountered. So we're going to play today and give you a taste of each of the expansion packs. It's brought to you by Pink Whitney. You want to talk about, you know, we want that Pink Whitney success. We want to be on that New Amsterdam level the same way that the Chicklets Boys did. We're going to do it with ATI.

Now, Pink Whitney is a fucking phenomenon. It's a juggernaut of liquor success. It's the fastest-selling goddamn bottle of booze in the whole fucking world, all thanks to wit and biz and what a perfect match pop open your ATI app and drink a little Pink Whitney get a little loose

drop the inhibitions, start talking about yeah sure I'd eat her ass or whatever the question may be so why don't you mix the two together get a Pink Whitney which is the pink lemonade infusedinfused vodka. And whether you're at a tailgate. I've seen a lot of commercials for this lately.

Yeah, well, we're all watching hockey now. I thought that that was like a, I mean, that's just a fucking commercial. You know, I thought that was like NBC Sports was running like a little package or something like that. It's just a commercial. Just a commercial. NBC Sports has some of the wildest commercials. Have you seen the copper one? I tweeted a picture, some stills of it.

Brent Favre and Jerry Rice. Just completely covered in copper. Elbow pads, arm shields. It's like clothes. They have a full set of armor on. Jerry Rice was wearing more equipment than that than he wore in his plane. He's got more copper on him than he did. Yeah, that is

that is funny there's a commercial running right now during mets games um for like an insurance company and it's just called his cocks his cock his cocks how's it spelled h-i-s-c-o-x but his cock his cocks and it's like um it's like insurance, and it's kind of heartfelt, and it's sort of like, what do you need? His cocks. And I'm just like, straight up, I'm too childish for this. And it's when you're watching Nesson or the Yes Network or SNY, one of your regional channels, it's the same commercials every time. So it's just cocks, cocks, cocks, cocks, and I laugh every fucking time.

The Bruins were just playing the canes obviously and they won double OT produce bears Ron scored on a fucking beauty from the first that the but there's a guy on like hurricanes and Ryan does ingle and does ingle just sounds like a nickname for a dick mm-hmm and so it's always single coming down did you ever call it a dingle? A dingle? No. So that was my family's little nickname from when you were a little kid. Like, ah, it's a dingle. And I thought that that was like other, like pee-pee.

Like everybody says that. Dingle. And then I'm like, I don't think I've ever heard anybody else call it that. I mean, if you said like, I heard a dingle. You would know what I'm talking about. I'd know what you're talking about. But I never used it, no. I had a funny moment the other day. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell these stories

But It was bath time And Keegan Keegan's dingle was It was up and at him And he says to me Wait like a wrecked? Yeah and he goes to me

Babies can get a wrecked penis? Yeah And he goes to me Daddy why is it so big? And I was like Yeah it is Wait Yeah I don't think i got boners as a child oh yeah you did yeah you did oh yeah you did how it's just a blood flow thing bro yeah but the

blood flow goes when you're aroused no it's not i mean you don't get like a random boner where you're just like i do like we used to you know you joke about like in class where it's like i can't get up from my desk because my dick's hard that was always because you were like thinking about fucking i guess now you're right this is random boners are definitely just like a thing of life like i remember my uh i got a buddy who's paralyzed and like we had a huge moment where uh he just got you know he had one of those random boners because we weren't sure. You know, everything waist down was fucked and he got one and he was like, yeah. So, you know, but Keegan was very confused. He's like, what?

What's going on here? I was like, this is awkward. See, this is why I don't feel bad about not knowing about vaginas. I don't know shit about dicks. I fucking have one, man. Well, listen, I sincerely hope that I'm right here and I'm not just like airing out a story that's like super problematic and weird that my son is doing something at a young age that he shouldn't be. But even if it is, I'm okay.

Like, if that's his weird thing, his dick was getting too hard too early in life, that's pretty cool. I'll fucking take it. That's my son. The one over there. I can see you fucking kindergarten being like, so which kid's yours?

I came with a fucking hard-on over there. The one with there. I can see you fucking kindergarten being like, so which kid's yours? The kid with the fucking heart on over there. The one with his cocks. See that kid chasing the girls around with a fucking piñata? I don't know. I don't know why. He's got the piñatas thick. Keegan goes to a Mexican elementary school

in my fantasies. By the way, this is an ad read. You see that baby with the hard penis? That's mine. Me and Keegan just lining up shots of New Amsterdam with our hard dicks. I'm going to get in so much trouble for this. From so many different people. Work, home, CPS, child protection services,

everybody. I'm sweating. It's so hot in here. It's so hot. So go get your New Amsterdam vodka. You can get them at your local liquor store.

If you're lucky, make sure you check it out. They're pretty much in every liquor store now. Very affordable, too. You see some of these prices, especially across the country. It can be a shot.

It can be a mixed drink. You can drink it as a martini you can class it up you can slum it down however you want to do your pink whitney it's a good night mix it up with some ati and have yourselves a fucking evening babe so let's do it um i'm gonna open up my brand new ati app here let me click start playing uh i will let you choose the category, sir. Philosophy. Okay, well, I'm going to... Yeah, okay.

We'll start with Philosophy 101. Start playing. I guess I should maybe show it in case you're watching. So, I'm going to go Philosophy 101. You got yourself a little cartoon. Shout out to Moonman Sam. And we'll start playing. Classic right off the bat.

Are you smarter than Christopher Columbus? What about the most brilliant minds of the Renaissance, 1300 to 1600 A.D.? This is an all-time classic. This is what inspired, by the way, I believe, I know ATI has the reputation of, like, raunchy sex and funny, you know, dicks and vagina jokes. And it does. And that's why it's funny. That's why it's a good game to play. But also I remember telling people my favorite questions are the philosophical ones.

And that's why we like when we started this where we're like we got to have themed decks. The very first one I did was philosophy. And this is the question that inspired it. Because I remember having that discussion way back on the original KC Radio and being like, this is the perfect blend of dumb hypothetical. But we're you know, you got to know your history a little bit and you got to know what you're talking about. And and you got this irrational confidence about it. And that's where I mean, Dan famously like scoffed at the idea of Christopher Columbus being smarter than him. And that then that led to can we build a boat?

Could Barstool build a boat that could sail across the Atlantic? And then somehow we got to, if we had unlimited money, could we build a spaceship and get to the moon? I mean, it spiraled into, it launched an app. This one question launched like this whole fucking endeavor. So perfect serendipity there to be the first question up because it does just kind of randomly shuffle them all. So

where were you on the original? And where are you still there now? I'm still in the same spot because my answers I don't think change very often. Here's the deal. I know more than Christopher Lummis. I am not more intelligent than him. Correct. You're more informed.

You have learned more facts than him. You have You are, you have, you know, you're more informed. You have, uh, learned more facts than him. You have the internet, you have access to just information. Like, okay, here's the deal.

I'd kick Christopher Columbus's ass on jeopardy, but he's more intelligent person. Yeah. That's, um, uh, like informed versus like what's aptitude is aptitude. Um,

I think, I think that's what I want to see. This is my point. I don't even know what I know. The definition of aptitude, uh, aptitude? Is aptitude, I think that's what I want to look for. See, this is my point. I don't even know what aptitude means. You don't even know the definition of aptitude. Aptitude definition. So aptitude is the natural ability to do something. So that's, he has the aptitude.

No, I have the aptitude. Everything I can do, I do naturally. Because I don't really practice. So everything I'm good at, I'm just naturally good at. And I'm good at a pretty good amount of things. What are you good at? I'm good at this. Podcasting?

Yeah. Yes. I'm good at... Fuck. Drinking? Good at drinking. I'm good at exercising. I'm good.

I don't do it often, but I'm good at it. You're not committed to it, but when you do do it, you're good at it. I'm very good. I'm one of the best. You know in... He's Bounding Down. When you do do it, you're good at it. I'm very good. I'm one of the best. You know, in Eastbound and Down, when Kenny was like, I'm not trying to be the best at exercising. I am.

Yeah. I'm the best at exercising. Because my body changes very fast. Yeah. And it's like, I can work out for two weeks. The guy couldn't get his fucking sleeves over his shoulders. And it's just like, oh, okay. So then it like, I'm really good at exercising.

I know what I'm doing there. And I wasn't a personal trainer for no reason. Bitch. I'm good good at exercising. I know what I'm doing there. I wasn't a personal trainer for no reason. Bitch. I'm good. You goddamn bitch. I'm good at saying the alphabet backwards. I'm really good at cracking my knuckles.

Crack them. This is pretty good. I feel like i just cracked well i mean can i go five or five i didn't get the pinky you know my favorite do you do the this knuckle no that way that's gross oh it's the best if you do cracking your your middle knuckle instead of like the big knuckle oh it's the best. If you do cracking your middle knuckle instead of the big knuckle, it's the best. I'm good at watching porn. Great at watching porn. I can nail it.

I can nail it. I'm the best porn watcher in the game. I'm a better porn watcher than you are. I jump to scenes, but I can just fucking see. I know what I'm doing. I think I can see the future, too. In porn? In life.

That's how I know exactly where to jump to in porn i think i okay this is crazy but i also i'm not i'm not lying okay i think there's like a part of me that's from the future because i this is why ati is the best game in the world i ask a question not four minutes later i have a friend telling me he's from the future. Download this fucking app right now! I think there's a part of my brain that is from the future.

I am so good at just like, when I call something, I bet I have the highest percentage of calling something. To be fair, you just told me that you lost the biggest bet of your life in hockey a day ago. Sure did. But I didn't watch that game. That's the twist.

If I had been watching the game, it's different. No. Yes. Had you watched it, it would have been a different outcome? It would have been a different outcome for sure. Oh yeah. When I make predictions, I bet I'm like 70%. Today, and granted, today wasn't really the boldest prediction I've ever made,

but someone was like, who's going to score first? Pasta. Guess what happened? Pasta scored first. Yeah, you do. You're very rarely wrong on these things. That's a thing from the future, Kevin. I think there's just a part of me, not the full thing,

which it would be a lot more beneficial if I fully was from the future. But I think a part of my brain is from the future. I think maybe there's a chip in me. You said that so seriously. there's a chip in me so you have a chip that maybe like every now and then it transmits some information to you yeah yeah because you know who i think has like the full chip i think i think this is runoff from dave i think this like like Dave has a chip. Dave has information. I mean,

it's just nothing ever goes against him. Yeah. But he's not right with a lot of things. I, I say this is going to happen and it happens. Dave's not wrong with a lot of things. He's not wrong a lot, but his has been happening your whole life. His is my whole life.

Okay, dude. Yeah. The grandfather clock. I have, I won six raffles as a kid. Well, fuck one. That's not from the future. That's his luck. That's okay. Fine. I'm, I'm crazy lucky then. Dude. Yeah, the grandfather clock. I have, I won six raffles as a kid. Who the fuck won six?

That's not from the future. That's his luck. That's, okay, fine. I'm crazy lucky then. Yeah. I have something, but that's what I mean. I don't know if it's from the future. You have something about you.

Genetically, microchip wise, time travel wise. There's something about you. I don't know what it is. It's not that you're like predicting the future. It's just that like, it's good serendipity. Good fortune follows you. That would explain the whole my body changes faster thing too if I was from the future.

I'm more evolved. Well, I don't know about that. But my genetics are, not my personality. You're trying to tell me you're more evolved than me. I think so. I take offense. I'm offended. I'm offended.

You are not more evolved than I am. I think I am. You can't even say the opposite backwards. I'm not an alcoholic. That's all that is. I'm not an alcoholic. I have a good relationship with alcohol. That's what alcoholism is about. It's about your relationship with alcohol. My relationship with alcohol, I'm like two high school

hockey players. They're a little too close, but they're just friends. A little weird. They take it a little too far, but they're just friends. Shower naked, but whatever. It's a friendly relationship, but they're towards me like,

they're a little close. I was going to say, you and alcohol is like people who are really religious, but just don't want to go to church. Where they're like, it's all about my relationship with God. I don't have to go to church. I don't have to do the prayers. I don't have to do the donations or say the sacraments.

I just have a direct relationship with him. That's you and alcohol. I don't need all the pomp and circumstance. It's just me and alcohol. We got a thing. We have an understanding together uh but you're from the future i like how you really i'm really trying to think because it's something you know i mean i'm i am on board it ties back into aliens but i when i watch ancient aliens and ancient alien theorists believe that certain

people throughout history have been touched by aliens one way or another. Okay, okay. Maybe not possibly literally, but more metaphorically, like a guy like Da Vinci. They said Leonardo Da Vinci had schematics, plans, and notes about things that people in that era just could not have even comprehended. He had the helicopter and stuff but he had he had like devices and technological advancements that's just like eventually the helicopter yeah he like invent i don't know if he invented but he had like you know again like blueprints for like a

whirlybird type of thing uh like like having a propeller that like work that way and it's like you know these are people who like you know they working on like the wheel you know what i mean and and things like that where it was just like, you know, we can't even wrap our brains around. Yeah, that that was like the first helicopter. And, you know, he did that in what, like the 1400s or some shit. So like, you know, then they believe that this is like aliens, like he's either part alien, like his DNA or that he was like abducted or visited and they like like yo check this out this is what it's gonna be like one day and he came back and he started writing shit down so i i believe that kind of cockamamie shit because there are certain periods

of history where it's just like this doesn't make sense they they what there was a word for it that they're they're like um like the renaissance in general believe, when there are periods of time where humanity just pushed the fast-forward button. Like they just – so much art and so much knowledge and information just – like in a couple hundred-year span, we jumped forward like a thousand years. Same thing with like the Industrial Revolution and then the Technological Revolution, and it's always led by these people, and it's like those people are more than just people. Now, you are not doing it on that scale. You're the common man's alien. The aliens are very disappointed in me. Imagine that.

Again. Okay, even more. Even more to prove the point. You use this to predict overtime goals, dude? You just won a grandfather clock in a raffle? You were supposed to fucking cure the pandemic. He still tweets that fucking like Dubois is going to score the game winner, and he does, but like that's all.

What does that do for us? We're sitting up here waiting for like the human race to change, and you're just talking about hockey. But that makes more sense that they would have like these people, like, all right, we'll go get this guy from this country, and this guy from over here, this woman, man, black, white. We've got to get a good array. And a couple of them are clunkers.

A couple of them are stinkers. And that's you. I'm a lemon. Yeah, you are a lemon. You are the greatest alien failure. Yeah, but I'm an alien failure. I'm too evolved to be a human. I'm the worst of both worlds.

I'm above humanity, below a human. I'm in the, I'm the worst of both worlds. I'm, I'm above humanity below alien. Yeah. Yeah. I've always thought in general being the best of the worst or the best of the lesser thing is better than being the worst of the best. Yes. Like if you, it's almost like when people are like, I don't want to go into that next tax bracket because I get taxed more.

And it's like, that's stupid. But like, sometimes it kind of makes sense. You i'd rather be um like in sports put it this way like in sports um you look at like um i'm trying to think like in the nba like a real like carmelo okay carmelo anthony he gets and people like me i do this to him he gets compared to like lebron and and and Steph and Durant because he's that talented. So he's in that top tier, but then he's got assholes like me clowning him

because he didn't win championships or he couldn't even get into the playoffs. He couldn't even get out of the lottery. I could go into the whole Carmelo thing. But wouldn't you rather be the guy who's like, yeah, I'm not going to be in the conversation with LeBron, but people only speak glowingly about him. Because he's a second-tier player, but he's awesome. And he's actually underpaid. It's a great contract.

All that kind of shit. I'd rather be that guy. No, I want the money. I always want the money. You want the money. But I'm saying, let's say Carmelo made $130 million. That was his contract at the time what if you were making 90 and you never everyone always thought of you as underrated underpaid

you know the most efficient and like the guy you want on your team rather than lebron who had all the pressure all of uh carmelo had all the pressure and all of the criticism i think i'd rather take a little bit less money. You're still wildly wealthy, and you have nothing but good reviews about you. I want $40 million more than good reviews. Do you? I don't think... I think, like, Carmelo Anthony, I think it eats at him. I think that, like, his legacy...

Yeah, I guess, yeah. His legacy, if you worry about legacy and shit, I don't think you're much of a legacy guy, but, like, Carmelo's legacy will always be, like, that he was polarizingizing that he was controversial. Were you a mellow guy? Did you hate mellow? Like I'd rather just be known as the dude who was like, yeah, you know what that, you

know, he wasn't like the best, but you want him on your team. He was a sharpshooter. He was the guy like he was clutch. Like, yeah, he didn't score like 30 a game, but you could always count on him for the last bucket. Shit like that. I would take that in a heartbeat as long as you're still making money. You know, if it's between rich and poor, I'll take the rich.

But if it's rich and ultra rich, I'll take the good off the court. Good vibes. Yeah, good vibes. But being that like – when you're stuck in that bad – worst of the best or worst of – you've been chosen, but you're the worst of them. But yeah. It's not very good. it's not very good. It's not very good. So you're telling me, would you rather just not be... So I might be smarter than Christopher Columbus.

Anyway, bring it back. Now that I think about it, yeah, because... I just... You know what this is? This is the sports argument. When people say, you know, Babe Ruth couldn't play today. If you just took Babe Ruth and transported him, yes, he would strike

out on three pitches. But if you if Babe Ruth was born in this era and he grew up with the training and the supplements and the watching film and all that shit, he would be like Barry Bonds. So you, that's kind of like

you. You know, like you How so? You are I had it in a second. I just lost it. So you, that's kind of like you. You know, like you. How so? You are, I had it in a second. I just lost it. Oh, no, no, no. That's Christopher Columbus. Yes, yes. So Christopher Columbus' brain is sharper than yours.

He just like only had access to certain things to understand. You know what I mean? Right. But if he came here, I'd fucking, I'd whip his ass up and down the street and just knowing things. I know so many more things than he knew. But if you took like an intelligence test? I think I'd beat him. Really?

Yeah. I don't think you would. I think I would. I don't think you would. I think my intelligence is exceptionally high. I think my – So humble. I think I'm very smart.

I just like didn't like school. I've never taken an IQ test. Now that I'm thinking about it, I might not do so hot. I don't think you'd do hot at all. Because there's a lot of math on it. Yeah, a lot of that. No, fuck a math, man. But even just the puzzles are tough.

They do weird puzzles, I think, where it's like, put these in order, and they're just pictures. And it's like, I don't fucking know. I think it's very abstract thinking. I'd still beat his ass. I've completely come around on this. I forgot I was from the future so like, yes. Being from the future, of course I'm smarter than Christopher Columbus. So do you think

then you're smarter than like Alexander Hamilton? The founding fathers? Like all that shit? The guys who like built this government and were defeated by a strategy to win a revolution. I think they had more passion to learn about things. Definitely had more passion than you.

Pretty much anybody who's ever lived has more passion than you. If I put my brain to it, yes, I would have been better. Boy, you are high on yourself today. I am. I've both bronzed this one. So who, yeah, that's really all it comes down to. Who are you not smarter than? Who from, like, history, back in the day, you know,

the founding fathers in them are like the 1700s. Fucking Columbus's 1400s. Like, who are you? Probably no one. You're smarter than everybody. If I wanted to be. Are you smarter than? Like, if I wanted to put my brain. Because that's really, like, what it's always been with me.

It's like, if I want to do it, I can do it. It's just, like, I don't really want to do it. Like, that's how like what it's always been with me is like if i want to do it i can be i'm i can do it it's just like i don't really want to do it like that's how school like i could yeah if i want to fucking try and write this paper how about you like i'll write the fuck out of this try to be the funniest podcaster in the world i'm pretty close yeah we really are we really are you know we're not the best but we're in the top percentile, no doubt. I would say we are a top 1% listened to podcast in the world. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. So pretty fucking close.

Yeah. Pretty up there. How about you decide to be the top number one app salesman in the world? Hashtag happy birthday, Johnny boy. August 14th is my birthday. Get the app for my birthday. Fucking. That's not the worst marketing campaign I've ever heard of. I we're gonna that's gonna be a popular hashtag because everyone's an idiot

for the record i don't think i'm smarter than any of these people i think all these people were like for their time well because you're not from the future you weren't touched by an alien so like we're just talking about my brethren like these these are just my people but think about this going to the future like are we gonna we going to say this about me? Bill Gates. Yeah, people will be asking about that about me. Like, the technology will change. Society will change.

Can you imagine that one day people would play this app 100 years from now? Like John Feidelberg. He's smarter than John Feidelberg. I don't know. That kid said if he wanted to, he could. He just didn't want to do things. That's the greatest cop out in the world by the way it's like no i'm fucking brilliant okay i just don't want to that was my mom gave me that one oh yeah i've done that before many times it was she like had like a meeting with my advisors in like high school and they were like john's not

doing so hot she's like look you just need to make him do it. He's good at it. Just make him do it. And they're kind of like, well, you're his mom. Your job. You're the teacher I pay, though, so you fucking deal with it. I'm big time on that, by the way. This is what you are here for, bitch. Clean it up. But if they're going to say this about Elon Musk, we'll get it.

And he's a fucking fraud. So I'm fine with that. But are you going to tell me that a few hundred years from now, when technology changes and shit, that the Bill Gates of the world and the Mark Zuckerbergs of the world are not smart? That the average Joe is going to be smarter than those guys? No, they're smart, because the tech stuff I'll bow out on.

Because the coding and shit like that... But he was doing that for his time. It's all just relative. Right. Columbus was, I'm saying. Yeah, but I just get it now. I get it. Next fucking question. Next goddamn question. Which

category do you want? Sex. Sex it is. The cartoon Sam drew is just a little finger in the hole. The universal sign for sex. Start playing. 50 questions about fucking.

Let me scroll through. I'm going to put this one out there. You can think about what we do a real question. Marry, fuck, kill. Rosie O'Donnell, Mother Teresa, Gandhi. I don't know why the fuck those three were ever paired together

let's see Mary Rosalie O'Donnell fuck Gandhi kill Mother Teresa I've already seen her autopsy she's already dead I've already seen her dead bodies just kill her I could just you said you were going to fuck Gandhi

that means you're funny you can't fuck Gandhi. Why not? You'd be like fucking Josh. You'd be like fucking Ethiopian Josh. You can't do... Why? You cannot fuck...

Do you want to know why you can't? Because you would break Gandhi's back. You would blow Gandhi's back out. Why the fuck are you seeing me clapping Gandhi's cheeks? No! That's the thing, he doesn't have cheeks. He'd be like fucking this piece of wood. He doesn't have cheeks to clap, it would be bone. Fucking Gandhi from the back would be like just bones hitting you.

I like it when my girl fucking watches what she eats. Oh my god. Love your civil disobedience. Oh girl, you've been Gandhi you've been on a hunger strike bro Oh yeah I can tell Oh my god

Fucking Gandhi is not an option Raw dog and Gandhi in the ass I fucking have Gandhi up in the club With his fucking dress up I'll fuck Gandhi in the factory Like Eminem And Brittany Murphy in 8 Mile. Just that quick.

I'll have Gandhi licking his hand, making it wet. In and out, just like an eight seconds of sex with Gandhi. Oh, man. Achieve nirvana with that little skinny fucker. Oh, God. We're going to get canceled. Fucking Gandhi. So I'm going to kill Gandhi because I just can't fuck an old Indian man who

is all about peace. I like my girls little. I will marry Rosie just because of the money. She's the only one who's rich in the bunch. She can be my sugar mama. Yeah, everyone else is just nice. Fuck that.

And Mother Teresa, not very nice. Mother Teresa Not very nice That's like the dirty little secret about her She was kind of a cunt Mother Teresa's a big bitch I think I'm glad I've seen her autopsy It's either that Or like

I'm gonna say Mother Teresa bad person That's what my Google search is gonna be I'm pretty sure there's like some Dark shit about her criticism mother theresa um uh she's a fanatic a fundamentalist a fraud um mother theresa was no saint i guess you said that like a newspaper salesman yeah yeah but yeah apparently i think she well think about it i think she was like a fucking uh asshole like religious fanatic you know like believe in jesus or you're you know you're trash like you should use your you deserve to die i'm not going to open up any of these

uh well this this one seems like a bit of a quick headline here mother theresa wasn't a saintly person she was a shrewd operator with unpalatable views who knew how to build up a brand. She was just like... So actually, that kind of... Maybe I do want to fuck her. Maybe now I'm fucking her and be like... What's young Mother Teresa look like? That's a great question. That's a girl... That's a woman much like we've talked about

recently in the news. We talked about Regis Philbin. We talked about Wilford Brimley. Wilford Brimley was 85 in 1985. He's looked, you know. Mother Teresa's been old since Jump Street. Imagine Mother Teresa was like a weapon back in the day. Young. We got pictures, Nick?

Yeah, hold on. This disconnected. You know, she kind of looks like a boy. She looks like a boy from the Brady Bunch. Is that the one picture of her? Yeah, he has them up there. Oh, look at that one. Your mouse is right above it right now.

The second one? Yeah. No, but that was weird. What the fuck is that? She looks like a ghoul there. Yeah, she doesn't look great. What is that? She doesn't even look like a human. Why are they so rare?

The rare pictures of young Mother Teresa. This makes her look like... Nah, she could get it there. Oh, it's real or fake. People don't know. But that lady, she could get it? She's got a little bit of a poor man's Audrey Hepburn look. A little Breakfast at Tiffany's action. I mean, a poor man's

Audrey Hepburn is a fucking rocket launcher. Well, a homeless man's version of it. But yeah, isn't that funny to just think that, like, she, you know, when we see, like, you know who she is? Actually, maybe you fuck Mother Teresa because. You going to heaven? No, I just mean, I don't know, get that holy water in you. That wap.

She's got that wet-ass pussy with the holy water. The power of Christ compels you as I'm throwing back shots. Like a fucking exorcism. I'm just writing in my head right now a Mother Teresa porno. Squirting into a chalice. You know when Cytheria comes and she almost has the exorcism? And imagine that's holy water and it's blasting out. And the priests and the altar boys

are filling up their fucking cups with it. Anytime you're getting hit with holy water, it's just Mother Teresa's cum. She's cumming. It's like a reverse exorcist. It's like, You are so nice! God bless you!

But apparently not. Apparently she's a bitch, you know? She's like, Give me that fucking money. She probably hated the Jews and the Hindus and anybody who didn't believe in Catholicism. So I think Mother Teresa is the Tommy Lahren of like back in the day. I think she just built a brand. She knew what was up. She knew what played, you know, highly Catholic,

like, you know, do-gooder is what's like hot in the streets right now. Bam, I'm a saint I'm fucked out girl Gandhi's dead I'm married and rosy so that's I mean this is the best advertisement ever for this app this is what it's all about I just called Mother Teresa

a cunt and wrote a Mother Teresa porno from this app it's amazing I was picturing a Bella as Mother Teresa if that makes sense I mean it doesn't

but I'm down with it does it make sense at all no it doesn't make sense at all. I mean, Bella's got that fat ass. Yeah. Well, Teresa did not. Well, I wasn't really casting as far as looks go. Let's go over to dating and relationships, eh?

How does that sound? We'll do a couple here. This one's a quick one. What's the first thing you notice on the member of the opposite sex? Smile. Her ass. Well, no, eyes. No, smile. We'll do a couple here. This one's a quick one. What's the first thing you notice on the member of the opposite sex? Smile. Her ass. Well, no, eyes.

No, smile. Smile and eyes. Honestly, it depends on how and where I see her. The answer is just face in general. Okay. If I'm looking at her face. Oh, you're saying. The first thing I notice is her face.

Yeah. For sure. Unless she's turned around. Well, then yes. Yeah, then it's her ass. But yeah, I think. But within the face i think actually the first thing i'm looking at is the mouth because if you got a gnarly mouth you got like fucked up teeth you're out yeah i guess uh i guess also if you have a bad nose

that's the first thing i'm seeing okay if you've got a beak on you someone's got to bring you back down to earth way too high right now but like if you had if you i'm not like if you have a normal nose i'm not like looking at it but if it's like if you got a honker then i'm looking at your but i gotta make sure you don't have uh terrible teeth you know if you have like beautiful light eyes cool but if you have brown eyes it's like that's not like a deal breaker if you have like big bean teeth you're gone yeah that's like that's just that's just good advice for anyone in the 21st century. But I'm a big eyes guy. Yeah, smile is the most important.

But you know what I mean? Eyes to me is, it can only benefit. I've never seen a pair of eyes that I'm like, I'm out. Your eyes are disgusting. It's like you can have normal eyes or you can have beautiful eyes. You can have a great smile, but you can have a terrible smile. Your eyes are never going to be a deal breaker, only a deal maker. I like that.

Yeah. As far as the body we're talking, I mean, I can't believe, I saw a meme the other day of Tobias, where it said, there are dozens of us! And somebody was talking about all the boob guys of the world getting together now. I mean, it's just, I think we've just evolved beyond boots.

I know you have. You're back on bush and you're back on nipples and tits. I flip around on the boob to butt thing all the time. But I've been just like... And on boobs, what I mean is like... It's part of the porno search. Where it's like... Really?

I'm not putting boobs in the fucking search bar because I'm not a child. Yeah. But I'm looking for... I'm putting the names of big-ties women no yeah i mean i saw some girl the other day operating with a pair that you could tell she knew like this is part of my this is part of my repertoire like i'm going to use this you know yeah it's amazing great yeah but she she she had um it was some there was some good old titty fucking going on yeah i, love a good tit fuck. And she. I like when they're just stupid big and it's like she's sitting in a chair across the room and it's still.

Yes. I was going to say, when you're sitting and you wrap them up and you just kind of bounce them. But what she did, she had on a bikini and she put the guy's dick underneath the strap so it was kind of locked in. I was like, this chick knows what I'm doing. It was a dick seatbelt. Yeah. Yeah, exactly yeah exactly it was like strapping the roller coaster's about to go uh but to me it's still like so so if you see like we mentioned it last podcast you see like one of these british girls who's just like asses as flat as a board and like huge tits you're like oh yeah fuck yeah yeah yeah oh yeah see to me that's no no if you have like a badass no oh oh i mean like yeah i mean i wouldn't love it but

no that's okay i'm fine with it i mean by the way in real life i'm saying like with your porn like if i if i click on something and i see like she's got no ass i'm like i'm on to the next i don't really notice ass in porn i don't think which is that's not true but like if you're just not an ass guy once you're fucking you're fraudulent once you're fucking I don't really well no this is completely wrong so wrong what are you talking about I don't know what I'm talking about you don't you don't nothing that you're saying is true right now no I was trying to think like I'm just picturing naked women right now and it's pretty good nice um and yeah yeah i guess it does like it like a girl in porn with like no ass where like gandhi like where you when when you're watching you can like see like her butt bone no no no no no where you

can see the tailbone yeah out right above her asshole. It's like a roof for her asshole. Sometimes I'll get down with that though. Just like the really tiny girls. Like little spinners. It's got to be comical. It's got to be so bad it's a thing. But otherwise...

What I'm saying is I'm knocking on the door of a little person porn. No, but see... Little people are a little bit thick with it. You're knocking on the door of little person porn. Little people are a little bit thick with it. You're knocking on the door of barely legal porn, bro. Oh, come on. Don't put that evil on me. I'm just saying.

Don't put that evil on me. How funny has the... I'm so far away. I can't even watch pigtails. That's too childish. I didn't see it until like recently. Like when you see a girl dressed up

like that for porn, what they're doing is like appealing to like the pedo creeps out there, you know, where it's like, maybe you're not

a full blown pedophile, but we, you've got creepy tendencies and we're going to put them in like high socks and colorful, you know, it's like,

yeah, they infantilize and it's very weird. I don't, I do not like, I do they infantilize them. It's very weird. I do not like, I do not care for that stuff. How funny has the reaction... I like adults who are short. Yeah, there you go. How funny has the reaction to Wapman,

the Ben Shapiro and those Congress people, the guy who said, I accidentally heard it. Oh, God. There was this girl, this some Congresswoman who said, she was like, why don't you learn how to cook or clean? And maybe you could hold down a man then. Which I'm like, is that the message? Yeah.

That's not good either. And then she brought this guy on who's like, he's either like this Italian or a Jewish guy who joined the Zoom and was like,anna you are so right and by the way just for the record cardi b has a husband whose name is offset and he treat he cheats on her like a dog like a dog deanna and i was just howling watching these these people who are just so worked up because there were women talking about their pussies dude like granted it's a it's aggressive i get i was like i'm blushing oh i was like yeah i'm like i want to jerk off to this but like like i made the video about ben shapiro and the ben shapiro i i did not know the i don't know much about that guy he had like an army come after me and um and a lot of people being like he's right and and he's right what

what is it was his message um um I don't know what his message really was other than like just like that it's vulgar and offensive and that oh oh he was like feminist this is this is what you wanted like this is your movement why is it why is why did they get wrapped in roped into that that's what I'm saying

that was my message was like why is this about the other girl was talking about like white supremacy and um you about the other girl was talking about like white supremacy. And you told me I was just two girls talking about their fucking nice pussy. Yes. She was like, Oprah Winfrey blames white people for all of minorities problems. Meanwhile, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion are the ones talking about this. And I was like, what does that do?

Exactly. There's no connection there whatsoever. Polar opposites. Not connecting. And Ben Shapiro was saying, like, this is what the feminist movement was for. Which, I mean, you know, listen. That's the biggest song of the summer. And Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, especially Cardi B, is worth, like, tens of millions of dollars. So, like, whatever your metric might be, they're doing.

I mean, rap used to be all men. And so now, like, these girls are dominating. I don't know. It seems it seems pretty like empowering to me uh but my thing whether you know uh some i was clowning shapir and a lot of people were because he said the thing about his doctor his doctor wife saying he always says the doctor was right my doctor wife said that it's a you know they have a yeast infection or a disease i know that ben shapier is smart enough to know that like yeah they don't have a medical problem um but what i do know is if you listen to that and your first reaction is like oh my god like this is too vulgar like that to me is what's funny it's like i heard that and i was like damn these bitches love their pussies and they fuck and like this is kind of cool and kind of like oh my dick's hard if your other if your reaction whether or not you really believe in like it's against feminism or it's a medical problem how is it against i don't

even believe they believe that but it's like if your reaction is not just like oh shit then i think you're lame that's really what i think i think anyone who cares about it like i'm so disappointed in my generation that there's even one single person that was upset about it. Like, yo, we grew up on a Kinele. That was my fucking shit. Oh, Akanele. Akanele, whatever. I've never learned how to pronounce it. All I know is, put it in my mouth, my motherfucking mouth.

Akanele, by the way. You can just see me out. Those two were on the ass-eating train early. What's the answer? Um... You can lick it, you can suck it, you can taste it. It dropped on your waist. This thing is looking good. Happy sprung when the tongue's in the crack of my ass.

That was like 91. So they were well out of that curve. Bro, I used to just sit there like that. I used to... I talked about it on Friday Night Pints a little bit. But, like, when I was coming up, coming up in the fucking dick game, when I was getting fucking bone pieces outside of the...

I'm coming up! I'm coming up on... Matty Trump! Boston, boy! Also, guess what? Sammy Adams' birthday, August 14th. Hashtag happy birthday johnny boy get the ati app so is tim tebow hashtag happy birthday johnny boy though that's right uh magic johnson

mila kunis we got a birthday crowd yeah you got a wrecking crew there but when you were coming up what happened when i was coming up and fucking learning how to play with my dick and shit the fucking you know we only have one family computer so you couldn't you know we were on the cusp of it we were on like yeah we we grew up with internet porn but we also had hard dicks before it right and the uh you know you couldn't always sneak down so you had to find out other ways to get off and i never no i don't think my mom had victoria's secret. There weren't many of those magazines laying around. So I would lay in my bed and listen to

How Many Licks. And I would just, you know, I had a Discman with, you know, I had the electronic skip protection, which was good because it was... Yeah, you were skipping. I was putting that ESP to the test. What does that ESP stand for, by the way? Electronic skip protection.

I just said that. Yeah, I mean, that was... And I would do it with a kidney light, too. And the whole point, though, like you said, is we came up on that, and we have now... We should all be okay with pussies and dicks and fucking and all that shit. You know what I mean? Nobody in this era should be you don't have to

like it i actually to be honest i don't really like wop like oh i like it i like i like what makes me feel yes like i think it's a great like party song i think it's like there there's a lot about it that is like enjoyable but i don't think it's like a good rap song i don't think it's something that i'm gonna like just like listen to on my commute or anything like that. But that's besides the point. You don't have to like it, but you can't be upset by it. Oh.

How many licks? Featuring Sisqo, too. Lil' Kim, I took Sisqo and put him in her pussy. Balled him up and put her in her pussy. And he just ran around in there like a gerbil in Richard Gere's ass.

Oh, hell, I didn't fuck with different races. Dude, his name was John. I didn't pay him. Dude, his name was John. He was definitely thinking about your son. Wow. Come in his mouth. Fuck, that's what I like about him.

Night to the morning. Told him we was boning. Puerto Rico puppy. Look at King Kong. He had a big ass dick in a hurricane song. Just fucking 12 year old Johnny. She had a song on that album called Blow Me.

I remember there was a lyric she had. I think it was that Ladies Night song. Not tonight, but the original. Not the remix. Again, she was listening to guys. She had his and he she said um again she was listening like guys she's like uh she had his name and she said that he she said he made me bust twice he was nice kept my neck cool with ice

and i was like picturing that he needed to like tend to her after he made her come i was like what happens do you need like do you like medical assistance after you come? What's going on here? And we learned and now we're old enough and mature enough that we can listen to Cardi B talk about getting the dangly thing hit by a dick

and that it's all good. Ben Shapiro, lighten up, bro. All right, so we'll do a couple more here and we'll get into our voicemails. That was the dating, yeah,

we did dating and relationships? Yeah, that was the, but again, see, that's the point. That question, we started talking about smiles. We ended up singing How Many Licks. That's the beauty of this game. Wait, she was talking about

diamonds on her neck, right? Not actual ice? Oh, yeah, that makes sense. He was nice, but the way... That's 100% what happened. Yeah? Yeah. So as a 12-year- Yeah, maybe... That's 100% what happened. Yeah? Yeah. So as a 12-year-old... See, that's what's so funny.

I'm thinking... I'm still thinking like that little kid at the time. Like still not even putting it all together. Being like, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I don't know how little Kim fucks at all. We'll do TV movies and video games. What's the number one fictional sporting event you would want to attend

oh man this is a good one now the picture here has um harry potter playing quidditch yeah i mean quidditch matches definitely uh it has some sort of uh car with a gun on it and some sort of i think that's like the tron motorcycle that was like a big race. Yeah, I don't know what Tron is. And I think the other one is Mad Max maybe? Yeah, something like that.

I think that's Death Race. Oh, Death Race. I don't even know that one. That's a, is that Jason Statham? No, that's Vin Diesel? Jason Statham? I think Statham

was in one of them. Number one fictional sporting event you would want to attend. I mean, like, if you saw the Knuckleuckle puck live, it would be fucking like a trick. It doesn't have to be a made-up

sport like Quidditch. It could just be like... Junior Goodwill Games, which I'm still not sure if they're real or not. Is that what the Ducks were playing in? Junior Goodwill Games? Yeah, exactly that. So you can just pick a big-time... I would love to be there in Rookie of the Year when he floated it and struck him out.

That would be insane. I'd love to be at the Penguins game from Sudden Death. Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'm just trying to get him to stop. I know the answer. Oh, Bloodsport? No, that's great too, though. The last Boy Scout.

When the guy pulls out the gun and just shoots him. I've never seen that. You're going to watch this, right? Fucking now. It's this scene, I believe, is a guy who's stuck in game. Oh, Mortal Kombat. Oh, that's a great one. Watch fucking, who's the guy with all the arms, like the monster guy?

No, he's Street Fighter, isn't he? No, the long arm's a Street Fighter. Yeah, that's Dhalsim. Dhalsim, yeah. Yoga flame! No, the guy in Morikawa has like six arms. But The Last Boy Scout is a very underrated movie. And this is the scene what the fuck

oh wow imagine if you were in the stands for that wow imagine if you were in the stands for that. Holy shit. That's the one. That is the one, though, right? I mean, let me get the exact synopsis of that. I don't even know why. Why? Yeah, an ex-quarterback with a gambling problem. They go after her killers.

Yeah, it's just like there's plots with federal legislators to legalize gambling. So there's blackmail and all sorts of shit. That's insane. Love it. Quidditch is also a great one. I'd love to see Quidditch. I say Mortal Kombat.

I don't even really know if I want to go see Mortal Kombat. I don't want to see people die violently. No, but I don't want to see people just like blowing their brains out on the football field but i kind of or the pit like the pit in mortal combat if you watch someone just get like uppercut and they fall through the spikes if you're gonna go see violence like you might as well go big or go home yeah you know uh the last the last category we uh had so many good philosophical questions that we did a second set of uh of philosophy questions so we'll just do one more here um what are some of the basic life skills that someone needs to have for you to respect them oh god you'll be able to see in the future uh you know like i mean some people would

probably say uh basic grasp of mathematics and they would not they would not respect you at all john it would be no respect for you i don't believe I deserve respect, so that's okay. That was so genuine. You really don't believe you deserve respect as a man. It's incredible. No, I don't. It is really incredible. And you know what? I don't think you do either. I think you're right. I think you're fucking right.

That's why I don't respect you. Dane Lillard last night was like, put some fucking respect on me no no no just hashtag happy birthday johnny boy that's it oh yeah don't have to respect me just download my the app ati rated five stars make a nice comment tweet hashtag happy birthday johnny boy um but anyway uh yeah the um i i don't know man because i have i lack so many skills like i was gonna say like you need to be able to open a beer but i can't do that i think a basic grasp yeah you really can't i don't even think it's necessarily a skill but like i what do you think it was gonna get colder

what i feel like you kept checking if they were no. No, I was checking one time. I brought those in here right before. They should be... I think a basic grasp of history kind of. I don't need you to know you're just squeezing the glass. I'm not even touching the glass.

You have to be. I'm not. I'm really not. Do it with just your fingers. Because you're a strong dude. It's just physically... I'm going to show you how easily I do it. It's like...

Get out of town. There's no way it's that easy. Now I can't because I'm laughing. But I thought we solved this problem. Me too. I thought we did. I only get like one shot at it too because then my fingies start to hurt. My fingies.

My poor little fingies. No, no. Drink this one, you fucking moron. Like I had a girl once ask me, kind of just confirmed, but she didn't really know what year 9-11 was. She was like, it was 2001. I was like, you're right but boy you know that should be that should be on deck that should be like in the holster ready to go and i and i

definitely lost a little bit of respect for her yeah i don't know what what it has to be what you will what you have to have what you have to know how to do but i'll just know when it's gone yeah when i don't respect you anymore? Yeah. Yeah. It's like Rocket once had somebody, I think it was the same thing. I think it was like she thought 9-11 was an inside job or something like that and was really disrespectful about it. And he was like, he called her out. He was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. And he was like, that was it.

That was it. We never talked again after that. So I think that's kind of – I drive. I don't think you need to know math. You need to drive. You need to know how to drive. Hot girls don't do math.

So if you're going to – That's why I don't do it. You can't have math on your system. Yeah, pretty people, they don't do math. Spelling, I'm not good at. So I'm not going to hold you to that standard. Spelling, I'm good at. Science is very difficult.

If you don't know chemistry, I'm not going to judge you. So I think it's more just about, like, general knowledge that you've got to know, like, a little bit what's going on. Okay, here's my three. You need to know how to drive. You need to not need to hold your nose when you jump in the water. And you need to. To be able to deep throat.

And three, you need to have the ATI app on your phone. And tweet hashtag. Happy birthday, Johnny boy. So listen, I mean, if that was not the best display of fucking gameplay. Now, imagine you're at the bar with a whole crew of people. You got a few Miller Lights that you're able to open up and you're enjoying yourself. Think about how much more fun that game can even be. As good as that was there, think about how much better it can be.

So go download the ATI app. Open up your Miller Lights and enjoy them, Miller Light is the number one great taste less filling beer it's the better way to do it as you play ATI open up your beer, and you can even turn ATI into a little bit of a drinking game if you want, every time it's your turn

to deliver the question you have to take a sip anytime you have the best answer. You get to give out five sips. Whoever has the worst answer has to drink. Whatever it may be, as long as you're enjoying responsibly, you can work Miller Lite into your gameplay

and turn the ATI experience into more than just an app. It can become an entire social event courtesy of Miller Lite light and the best part about miller light per 12 ounces only 96 calories and 3.2 carbs it's brewed in milwaukee wisconsin so you know that it's the real deal holyfield it's quality uncompromised and unchanging you know who said that frederick miller freddy miller freddy miller in the year 1855 wow i think you're

smarter than him yeah really because i think f I think Fred Miller, who fucking invented Miller Lite, the smartest goddamn man in the world. Fred Miller's got one quote. I have, like, thousands. Yeah. How about just, like, great taste, less filling? There's a fucking quote for you that brought you by Freddie Miller. Yeah, that's a good one.

How about the fact that he's got Miller Lite? There's no Feidelberg Lite. No, you got me there. I would probably drink a beer called Feidelberg, though. Yeah. I got like a German Pilsner or some shit, you know. Happy Wesson. But that's only after I run out of my Miller Lite.

So go get yourself some Miller Lite. You can get it delivered right now via Drizzly, or you can get it at the bar as you're social distancing and sitting outside. Miller Lite, number one beer in the game while you play ATI, which I hope will be the number one app in the game while you play ATI, which I hope will be the number one app in the game. Make it happen. Download the ATI app. Rating, review, hashtag happy birthday Johnny

boy, and all while you're drinking your Miller Lite. So download the ATI app and head over to MillerLite.com slash KFC and get yourself some Miller Lite. You can order some now today. That's MillerLite.com slash KFC. Now, ordinarily, you just go get beer at the liquor store

or you're ordering it off an app. But in order to do us a solid and let Miller Lite know that all of our readers and listeners and fans are Miller Lite people, go to the website, check it off so they can track it and let them know that we are Miller Lite people. So go to MillerLite.com slash KFC. All right, so let's get into Am I the Asshole? It's Am I the Asshole Thursday.

We'll do a couple of them before our voicemails and interviews. Let's get right into it. This one I sent to the group. I sent to our group chat, and I said, like, this is the one. This is the one. And I believe John just wrote back, holy shit. Am I the asshole for asking my dad to retire the punishment clown? I'm the oldest 20-year-old female of three.

She has a 14-year-old brother and a 9-year-old sister. He no longer does it to me or my little brother. However, he does do it to my little sister. He did do it to both of us when we were younger. This girl, a lot of misspellings. She said our phone, A-R-E, and a lot of misspellings. This is dark. Basically, whenever we fucked up, instead of taking our phone away or beating us, my dad would call the punishment clown. Some dude as a clown would show up and scream at us and threaten to take us away with him. It worked for the most part.

This time, I think he went a little bit too far. My sister went on some forbidden websites. So my dad called the punishment clown. But when the punishment clown showed up, my little sister decided that she wasn't't scared of him so the punishment clown left and then came back with four more one of them was my dad obviously in a mask and then began pulling her around with these big tongue things i didn't what i didn't i didn't read that part either they eventually left but my sister is traumatized i asked my dad to cut it out but he got all pissy with me so am i the asshole the punishment clown this this this has got to be one of the uh written for britain fake ones right oh i don't i don't if you read all the misspellings like she said when

my sister when on some forbidden websites not went our phone instead of our phone like a lot of like dumb misspellings. I think that it's just like this is dumb and dramatic. This is a traumatized child who couldn't pay attention in school because she was too busy fantasizing about being stolen by clowns because she

messed up and went on the wrong website one time. What's a forbidden website? It's got to be porn or some shit, right? There's a nine year old's daughter. Like your nine year old sisters are watching porn. I don't think I was watching porn at nine. I mean, if, if she is, maybe you should just get the fucking clown out. Shit.

Um, this is like Jean Palmer. No, this is, uh, Walter J. Weatherman. And that's why you don't teach lessons. I mean, uh, a punishment clown is as manipulative. I mean, it's a clown. It's like a thing. It's like we know this terrifies people.

You know? I never understood that. You're not afraid of clowns? I'm not afraid of clowns. I've never been afraid of clowns. I don't, like, love clowns. Yeah, I mean, I'm not, like, I don't know why I put my headphones on. I am not, like, you know, Pennywise is scary.

I've never even seen any of that. I've never seen it. Never read it. Never watched it. That's why you're not straightable. Maybe you never, Pennywise is scary. Never even seen any of that. Never seen it. Never read it. Never watched it. That's why you're not straightable. Maybe you never saw any of the scary stuff. Well, yeah, I guess. But if I see like a regular clown.

That's not why people are afraid of clowns, though. Like that plays off people's fear of clowns. Right, right, right. I bet it's a little bit. I mean, that was a big enough cultural thing that I bet you it definitely. Yeah, but like the reason he made a clown is because he was already scared but then I bet you when people think of it now

they think of like Pennywise and they think of it but I don't quite get that when you see a clown that's like got like a fucked up face with like blood and they make it scary yeah it's scary all that shit can be dressed up to become terrifying but when I see a regular old wholesome clown

I don't get scared I don't get like I I don't get, like... No, couldn't. As a child. That's nothing to brag about as an adult. No, that's like... But even as a child, I was like, yeah. I think you're a joke.

We go back to the old question, the first question, like, what's one thing that you need to respect me, for me to respect you? Don't be afraid of clowns as an adult, you fucking asshole. Like, it's not... There's nothing about it that's actually

scary other than your own fucking head. I wasn't punished as a child. No. Better or worse, I don't know. There was one time I... I definitely didn't have weird punishments, but I just didn't have punishments. No, never. I never got grounded. I got grounded

one time. I got caught egging a house for a mischief night on Halloween, and my mom grounded me. She didn't fuck around with that shit. She really hated, like, you're just being an asshole, like, vandalizing people's shit. Like, if you get caught drinking or whatever, that's like, whatever,

you're a dick. This was like you're being a jerk to, like, regular innocent people who don't deserve it. She was pissed about that one, and rightfully so. But even that, it was like a night, and then she was just like, don't be a dickhead again. I was a big time, like, the disappointment motivated me more than anything. I didn't give a shit about that.

Really? No. I mean, I didn't get it a lot because I knew I didn't care. But, like, I never had someone say, I'm not mad at this point. No, but I don't think I ever had that, like, cliche. But I do remember just being like, i don't want to let people down i let aliens down you think i don't fucking get people i spit right in the alien's face with this gift they gave me the um yeah it is it is like

this is insane but she did say it works So maybe you are the asshole for asking to stop. She's like, it works. You're an uneducated 20-year-old who lives at home, so I don't know how well it works. If we want to trace back these steps. Well, 20-year-olds are at home. You're fine. 20-year-olds are at home.

Yeah, never mind. The idea of getting for your clown buddies and coming back is very funny. It didn't work. Call up Brutus. Call up all the fucking gang. We're gonna go hard on this clown shit now. Get fucking Wacky Wally. Get Typhoid Timmy.

Get... What else? Let's get the car, boys. Let's pile on in. Get some fucking bats and some squirty roses. We're going to bully the fuck out of this child because she accidentally went on Facebook. How deranged do you have to be? I still don't get what the tongs are.

Yeah, like cast her around with big tongs. What, are you pretending to put her in a boiling cauldron? Probably. Probably, that's what these guys are doing, yeah. I think that this is anything, anytime you're you're doing like cosplay to punish your child you've gone a little too far yeah if you're in the in the mirror put it i guess her father's put on a mask he said but like you're calling a guy who's like all right time to go yell at children and he fucking gets in a mirror paints his face white puts over like if you are like put the nose on you got those you got the

big floppy uh shoes on you come out of the bedroom like flopping are like put the nose on you got those you got the big floppy uh shoes on you come out of the bedroom like time to go discipline my children yeah like miranda is in trouble today i am i am feeling it i got a lot of thoughts i gotta get out i've been angry at my wife for a few years now i'm in the clown zone about time i take that out on a child i i mean there is an element of what you said, though. It worked. And, you know, I can imagine I get a little frustrated.

I'm starting to get to the point where my kids are a little bit more defiant, you know? But little things. And I'm just like, that's pissing me off. Fuck. He's just not listening. What the fuck? So I can imagine by the time someone's 20 and you've got three kids and now you're, you know, there's a little bit of an age gap too. So like you've done your work.

What are the weird ages? The 20, 14, and 9? Yeah. Six and five years off? That's literally like exactly my family. Really? We have, no, we have four. My brother's 11 years older than my sister.

I'm four, I'm in the middle. I'm seven years older than my sister and four the middle I'm 7 years older than my sister And 4 years younger than my brother So almost pretty much the same We're 2-4-2 And we're supposed to have 2 more Yo your family's huge I can't imagine 2 more you motherfuckers

Their plan was to have 6 when my dad got cancer What a fucking pussy I mean that is John when you have 6 That means you have a litter. You didn't have kids. You were breeding. They're both from... My mom's from one of seven.

My dad's one of six. That's like, you know, they were fucking... Grandma and grandpa were on the farm where it was like, we need to have eight because two are going to die. And then we need six to move the bales of hay and milk the cows. And then the next generation is obviously not doing that as much. But they're just kind of used to it. And then by the modern day, where it's just straight dollars and cents,

how the fuck are your parents going to afford six? I'm done on, I mean, two? Done. I have no more money. No more money. I have no more money. I'm just out of money money I can't imagine having triple that if I had six kids you sick fucks Feidelbergs

what the fuck is wrong with you but thank god they did have you on August 14th hashtag happy birthday Johnny yeah baby alright last up for Am I the Asshole here quick two before our voicemails I 27 male this one is so bizarre. This guy's such an asshole.

Created a fake Tinder as a joke with my 28-year-old girlfriend's picture, and now I don't know what to do. I created a fake Tinder when I was drunk as a joke with my girlfriend's picture. Long story short, I went kind of crazy with it and got a bunch of matches. Surprisingly, an extremely hot girl matched with me, and like an idiot, I sexted with her. She even sent me nudes. I feel absolutely terrible about it now, like I cheated on my girlfriend emotionally.

To top things off, apparently a couple of my friends have found the profile and sent me screenshots of it. Now I either have to tell people the truth or my girlfriend looks bad. I feel I am screwed. Either way, please help. Okay. I got a lot here. A lot.

First of all, I get it. What? I mean, it's just literally, again, what we talk about all the time, but what we did when we were 13. Yeah, well, first of all, you were 13. Second of all, it was a fictional thing you didn't use you didn't use your someone you know or date as your catfish right that's true there's a pretty big difference yeah it's a big difference it's weird it's weird don't get me wrong of course

i'm not defending the action itself but i would like to understand the psyche of like but wait let me just get the let me just saw i mean obviously she like he put it on as like a lesbian and that's why he got the hot girl matches and then he pretended to be a girl and sexed it with her. Like, okay, so that part I understand as, like, the lesbian chat room. Yeah, I think you're a pussy to be, like, oh, I emotionally cheated. Why? Are you in love with this girl, or do you just want to fucking see a naked chick? Yeah. Like, fucking retort.

Anybody who, like, if you, like, snitch on yourself because of emotional cheating, that's... That's not even emotional cheating. You just fucking sexed with a stranger. That's weird. Big fucking deal. You have other issues to address, but it's not that you cheated on your girlfriend. Instead, you're a weird diabolical asshole who's using her likeness to... That's bizarre.

I think you can just put this one away and like i do i do believe on on some level it depends on where you're at in the relationship and if it would be you know if you have like a future together or you've already begun your future together and you're gonna like blow up her life because that's one of those that's a classic example like you want to ease your own guilty guilty conscience and it's going to come i think you're insane if you even feel guilty about this. Oh, I don't know about guilty. You should feel like, wait a minute, what the fuck was I doing? You should feel guilty for starting

the account, but not for, like, seeing some stranger naked. Well, so you don't think sexting's cheating? I mean, it is if it's, like, it is. It was intent there, like, he was, you know. But it's, like, it's, I don't know, it's, like, it's, like, tier two cheating. It's, like, it's... I definitely agree that it's not, like, the same, but it's... Like, kissing. Like, I wouldn it's i don't know it's like it's like a tier two cheating it's like i definitely agree it's not like it's kind of the same thing with like same but it's

like kissing like i wouldn't i don't even count like my girlfriend's like i kiss this guy i was like i was drunk i kiss this guy but a fucking stupid idiot really like i wouldn't be i wouldn't be furious really it would be like how dare you like like i don't know like i fucking wish you didn't but i'm like do you think that's just because of your general apathy towards a lot of things? Are you really like you're just like a like it just doesn't bother you? I mean, it's just like it's just not that it's not a humongous deal to me. It's not like I think anything short of like actual cheating. I would be fine.

I wouldn't be fine. Like, I wouldn't be like, OK, you can keep doing that and all that shit. But like me, it wouldn't straight fucking. It wouldn't. Yeah, it wouldn't be like sucked his dick like some sort of sucking or fucking right anything anything like less than that like if i'm happy in the relationship we can get through yeah see i do think that they're um i think that like sometimes people need to weigh i think people often will feel compelled to like dump someone because like you have to or like

that's what you're supposed to do like he got caught cheating he cheated on me so like we have to be done and I think you should look at it like anything else in your life where it's like the pros and the cons the happiness versus like if you're going to be sitting there and like racked with with anger and and you can never trust again and all that

shit then like fine but if you think you can get through it and then just, like, resume your happy life, fuck it. Fuck it, yeah. It's like it's a good job. It's like, you know, yeah, I don't like that my boss treats me like shit. You know, that's just as bad. Like, emotionally, you, like, every day you harm me. But, you know, I make a lot of money, and I otherwise like everything else,

so I'm just going to put up with that. But I guess the difference is, like, are you truly forgiving? And is it just tolerating and putting up in the back of your mind? Are you always thinking about it and you're holding it over their head? Or if you can really get over it, I don't think, you know, it has to be. I don't think there's any has to be deal breakers. You know what I mean? It's all up to you and the way you like what you value in your relationship.

But I wonder, I mean, so like if it it's not if you just found out that like you know your girl's been talking to a guy but it's like night in and night out for months on end and they talk about everything and they've sexted and they've you know but there's never any like physical contact what would you do with that you're just like this like i've been cut it out yeah but you might probably stop that the i think you're gonna be in the extreme minority i do i did it with my ex-girlfriend we she had like a confession to me one night and she's like i have like i've been talking to my ex-boyfriend and i was like okay and what like what it wasn't like sexing she's like i feel bad like i should tell tell you I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend. See, that to me, though, means you got a guilty conscience for a reason.

You weren't just talking to him. You were thinking. You were feeling something. I was like, yeah, no, that's cool. I get it. And she's like, really? I was like, yeah. I mean, what do I care if you talk to your ex-boyfriend?

You're going to get in trouble. Why don't you care? Yeah. You don't care enough. I was soon thereafter dumped with the ex-boyfriend. See, that's what I mean. to get in trouble, why don't you care? You don't care enough. I was soon thereafter dumped with the ex-boyfriend. There was guilt and confession for a reason because she was like, this is the guy I want to be with. And I'm talking to him.

But I think I think I say this like, you know, you should, if you feel that you can get through it and it's not as, you know, it's not as much of a, like, death sentence as other people feel for relationships, like, go ahead, rock on. But I think this is something that I would, it would eat at me. Like, I would try, but I think it would, like. This particular situation?

This, I just think, is weird. Yeah. Like, if you just met a guy and were sexting him i could understand you know listen i especially coming from me you know monogamy is weird and you felt tempted and you weren't happy at home i must have been doing something wrong i do think that like people uh there needs to be a little bit more accountability in like a relationship in general when they're when cheating occurs where it's like there's a reason why if it was just like i am a drunk asshole and i wanted to fuck this guy or girl um that's different but if it's like you know there were problems and

look at why things happened and you have to like kind of take you know some responsibility for it this though is like well now i just think you're a fucking weirdo. You're weird, but I think I would love to hear the psychology of like trolls and things like that. Because Hank kind of talks about it openly with Franny Lydon where he's like, it just took over me. I think there's something deranged about it

where it's just like at your core you're almost like free. You're like, I'm a new person. I'm no longer tied down and burdened by what my responsibilities in real life are. I think that's when you're like almost like free you're like i'm a new person i'm not i'm no i think no longer tied down and burdened by like what my responsibilities i think that's when you're unhappy with your own life right like to the point that you need to to to say some hateful shit or create a new persona or say the things that you can never you're not allowed to say you know that that's an indicator that your actual life is not satisfying you at all um so but like in this case what does that mean this this to me feels more like the psychology behind it would be more like you want like you want to know if your girlfriend is like hot like

you want to see other people covet your girlfriend yeah i guess a lot of people get off on that yeah it's like maybe this guy's just like into cuck shit he doesn't know yet you know but as far as like what do i do like just shut it down yeah just fucking just stop doing it now if you want to talk about shit what should i do should i confess do i have to get this off oh yeah because he does have the situation where his friends have seen it yeah so so well maybe you don't shut it down then maybe she's like i don't know there's a catfish like this happens it's weird fucking pat had that happen to him see that no yeah pat from the breakfast crew he uh i feel i feel like we can't say gay pat anymore i i i you never really did i never really did it was my idea though yeah uh what a motherfucker yeah that should be your

nickname i'm never gonna should be what you do. Well, because it was like, I just misread it. I thought his name was pronounced Pat McAfee. Yeah. So it's Pat Gay Pat. And then once I realized his name's not Pat McAfee, I was like, okay, I'll just call you Pat. Imagine if it was straight Pat and Pat.

But he said... Well, friends call me Gay Nick. Have you ever seen that? Did you watch that scene? Yeah, I've seen Gay Nick. Did you watch that scene? Yeah. Don't put me in a box. There's nothing that gay people hate more than being in a box. Gay Pat, I'm just going to say, though.

Gay Pat has a catfish. He doesn't know why or who it was. It can happen to anybody. So I would just be like, yeah, shit, that's crazy. Somebody catfished my girlfriend. Yeah, I didn't think about that. Yeah. I understand.

And then you don't... Because if a bunch of people show it to you and then it disappears, then you might... I don't think anybody would really look into it, but it could look suspect. Just stop doing it and take this one to the grave.

Right. Just shut the fuck up about it. Stop sexting with that hot lesbian and just be done with it you goddamn weirdo christ almighty all right so let's get into our voicemails and then we got our interviews today we got the legendary rob schneider and our boy ravi patel who uh he's been in always sunny scrubs master of none he's got a new series coming out um so a couple great interviews first up voicemails they're brought to you by Manscaped.

It's summertime. Even though it doesn't necessarily feel like it, you're probably going to hit the pool or the beach. And even if maybe not, maybe, but, you know, you got to be at home. You're in the bedroom. You got to look clean and feel clean and feel smooth. Or even just for yourself, you know. I feel like sometimes it's not even about who's going to be looking and who's going to be seeing it. It's just how you feel and hygiene and just looking and feeling

the way you want your body to look and feel. So that's why Manscaped has everything from head to toe. They've got the lawnmower to help you trim your chest hair, your body hair, your pubes. I'll be straight up. I used it the other day. Yeah? Yep.

In the shower. You know what the best part of it is? The up. I used it the other day. Yeah? Yep. In the shower. You know what the best part of it is? The light. The light lets you see everything. The light lets you see everything. And I'm on there. And you know what's nice? What are you lighting up, Johnny?

You know what's nice is you get to, like, it is exceptionally nick free. Yeah. Because they don't use the metal. It's ceramic blades. So it's not metal. You're usually so, like, careful, like, trying to fucking shave your piece. And it was just, I was just rubbing it all over. I was practically jerking off with this machine.

I was just like, all right. The, like, your nut bag, done. Clean, smooth. Oh, God, I almost want to show it to you. I would prefer not. Would prefer not. I'm going to fucking put my nuts on the table. I mean, we watched the Steve-O documentary,

and he had a fucking jungle to cut through. Crazy how hairy his penis was. And I watched him on stage. He cuts through it, and you could even see that it was like, I almost thought the thing was going to short circuit, but the lawnmower 3.0 would have just trimmed right through it he's got you know the the one of the um one of the things about the lawnmower is that it has 90 minutes of battery time oh wow and i remember thinking who the how long does it take you uh four minutes i going to say three.

Okay. Yeah. Really quick. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, maybe not for Steve-O, because that guy has the biggest ball sack I've ever seen in my life. When he does that trick on Gnarly where he flips upside down, I mean, it looks like a grapefruit. It looks like engorged. I was like, is that?

The turtle? Yeah. Oh, my God. Because he pulls, like, the whole package. I was like, that guy needs 90 minutes of battery time to trim this thing. But on top of that, they have the nail kit, the Shears 2.0 kit. It has the tweezers, the round point scissors, the fingernail clippers, and a nail file. There's the nose and ear hair trimmer.

You just jam it up there. It's got the crop preserver, which is, like, ball deodorant for after when you clean all these things. You can put the preserver on that helps you smell good and stay smooth. And then they've got boxers, which are breathable and moisture wicking so that after you do all that work, you're not just going to be a sweaty mess. So from head to toe, from start to finish, Manscaped is going to have you KFC, for 20% off. And clean your junk up at manscaped.com, promo code KFC. What's up, Fights, KFC, Super Producer BC.

So I live with my girlfriend, and I work from home every two days, every three days. And the weeks that I work from home three days a week, I like just getting drunk at like 1 p.m. I see no problem with it because I don't really do anything when I'm working from home. But, yeah, my girlfriend gets really mad because I'm starting slugging beers at 1 p.m. And you think this is fine? Like I really don't do anything at home. I don't do any work or anything, but still get my job done when I show up.

But let me know what you guys think. All right, Diva. Well. Can you get drunk at 1 p.m.? Is that the question? Yeah. Yeah. If you don't...

It's... Okay. I've always said, when it comes to alcohol or drug use or whatever, as long as you don't have anything you have to do. Right. If you don't have to be here, then why be here? Right. That's how I feel about the earth.

If you don't have to be here, then what be here right that's how i feel about the earth you don't have to be here then what's the point of being well have to be is a bit harsh because like very few people have to be here well just like yeah like i mean like i mean in your world do you have things to do then don't drink or drug to drugs right do you have free time then do why don't you try some booze okay that's fine so i would say first things first you need to you need to be honest with yourself about two things one when he's like i don't really do anything at work like is that true are you yeah are you getting your shit done because if you're not then then that's gonna be a problem two you have to be honest with yourself like fine maybe

your job is not the most like work intensive at certain moments where you can get a buzz on but you're also probably not excelling at work if you're shit-faced. You have to be honest with yourself. Are you okay being the guy? I'm sure you think you're getting away with it. And maybe people don't know you're shit-faced. But they're like, yo, that dude John, he never gets shit done. He is not reliable.

Past 1 p.m., it's almost like the guy might be drinking. So if you're okay with all that. What if the clock strikes one o'clock in the afternoon? I mean, we're talking to Robbie in a minute, and Robbie said he's been drinking beers in the morning. Yeah, I mean, you know, but that's the thing. Like, can you have a couple beers? Sure. Are you getting shit-faced?

And that might be a difference. Now, the second thing I think you got to understand here is, like, your girlfriend, if you're in a relationship like they are not gonna like this unless you have found the one who is perfect for you girls do not like this kind of behavior they don't really usually engage in this midday drinking they do not engage in this they don't find it funny they're not gonna think it's okay they want a guy who's motivating and fucking sober and all this other shit so you know if you're okay with basically being a slacker at work if you're okay with probably not really excelling at work and you are okay with like pissing off your girlfriend and or maybe dump getting dumped to the point

that you can just be a solo dude getting drunk that's all okay have at it also a little bit of a slippery slope. You maybe want to make sure you don't become a full blown alcoholic. Yeah, that's a good thing. I would say this. I don't think this is a good idea. It's not a great idea. But it's also quarantine.

Listen, I was going to say, if you're young, it's quarantine. There's weird circumstances and you're just going to kind of fuck around. Okay. But I just, you know, these things you can look up all of a sudden, and it's been like a year, and it's not really quarantine anymore, and you have a nasty habit. That's going to be a problem. So, you know, just be honest with yourself.

I just think be honest with yourself about the full circumstances of the situation. Yeah, you're right. And you also got to know what kind of drinker you are. Like, I don't do, like like a ton of midday drinks because i'm the type of drinker who it's like once you start it's like oh we're drinking yeah okay yeah so like i i will rarely unless it's like a hangover like to like stave off a hangover and i'll be like all right i'll have a beer with lunch right but like i don't i don't really crack the pop the top until five or six because i know when i once i start drinking like

and i'm i'm a very active drinker i can i can do things the whole time i'm like like him but i just you know when i'm drinking i'm drinking right i think you know if you're if you're like like ruby said you're having a couple beers is one thing if you're like you know one o'clock hits and you're taking pulls from the whiskey bottle a little bit different so uh just keep it in check be honest with yourself yeah what what is the quarantine what are they saying sunny when they realize they're alcoholics but it's so those are probably several scenes it's there it's the quarantine episode when they realized that they were never sick they were just going through withdrawals and uh so does this mean like we're like alcoholics? And they're like, yeah, I think so.

And he goes, so what do we do with that information? And Dennis goes, what do you do with any information? Keep an eye on it. Just put it in the back of your mind. Let yourself know it's happening. Keep an eye on it. Next up.

What's up, KFC, Fight, DC or Nick, Jackie the Intern? Hey, first shout out for Jackie. So first off, this 3C is some legit shit. Like this is exactly what I think we all hope CBD was when it first came out. I ordered this stuff. I got my friend to order this stuff, and it is the bomb. But we absolutely cannot let the kids find out about this. I know you've got to be 21 to buy it,

but if the children catch on to this shit, that's it. No more 3G for the rest of us. Those fuckers will ruin it. And I also got a question for you guys. If you could take one product that is traditionally bad for you health-wise, like smoking or alcohol, and you could turn it into a health product, what would you pick and what would it do for you? So like if McDonald's hamburgers gave you abs or like Four Locos were good for your

heart or something. Okay. I like that. Anyway, hope you're well. Love the show. Thanks. First of all, 3Chi does feel like something that's like, I hope this doesn't go away. I don't quite understand what the science is.

I don't know what the legislation is. I don't know how they've done it, but it does feel like something like get it now, get it while you can. And if there's a couple idiots who somehow ruin it for the rest of us, I'm going to be very mad. So he's not wrong. Go to 3chi.com, promo code KFC.

A little free ad for you guys today. If there's one thing, one habit, one thing that you do that you could turn to be medically beneficial, what would it be? I mean, it's got to be dip for you. Oh, I didn't even think about it. Yeah, you're right. You could dip and it would make you healthy.

Teeth lightener. Teeth lightener? Yeah. Oh, man. I mean, look, that's just really for the irony of it. But if I could make it do anything. Yeah, no, the dip is a teeth whitener. That's it.

Final answer. Done. That's what you would want it to be, though. If I could tell you that it sharpened your brain and made you smarter, you'd be like, no, I want my teeth whitened. Yeah, well, I mean, that's cheating. What makes you smarter? Well, he said McDonald's hamburgers can give you abs. I mean, that's a pretty big fucking leap. Yeah, well, I mean, that's cheating. Like, what makes you smarter? Well, he said McDonald's hamburgers can give you abs.

I mean, that's a pretty big fucking leap. Yeah, well, they're all leaps, but I just think like, like touching your teeth, there are something that can get you better for abs.

Like the brain shit, all that brain stuff like that, you know, Sports Illustrated selling it now. But the brain formula, that stuff like, I don't know. I don't think any of this shit works.

I feel like, uh, they're selling it to dumb people. That's why. Yeah, yeah. The market for this is a stupid person. They'll buy something that says brain formula. Honestly, 3Cheese is the only one that does work. So many other things. There's, like, Snake Oil, Salesman, 3Cheese. It's just like, yeah, no, this is

a real fucking product. I would probably do some sort of food. If I could make, like, one of my favorite foods be, like like a health food or some shit you know you know if i could get my my halves these cookies somehow are like you know making me uh healthy i think something funny would be like make cocaine something that's like mildly healthy yeah like cocaine gives you healthier fingernails. My hair is shiny. Cocaine has biotin in it.

I blow lines all day. It has like the calcium in it. So you're going to have healthy hair and healthy fingernails. No, that's biotin. Biotin is what does that. With your hair, yeah. And fingernails. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Hairnails and one other thing. Skin, I think, maybe. I forget. Biotin, yeah. When I worked at GNC, no big deal, and I was running a scam, I would have my friends come in and buy stuff

and then return it right away. Because then once it was bought, they'd have them open it, and then once it was bought, you can't put it back on the shelf. Right. So then you can just take it home. Keep it.

So cocaine, biotin. We'll call it BioCoke. BioCoke. Yeah, I would think that would be it. That was also one of our top selling things at GNC was, fuck, I forget what it was called. Vitamin E, maybe? I forget what it was, but it was like,

it's a white powder that has a cocaine type texture. And like drug deals. I worked in Providence. Cut it with that. I worked at a GNC in Providence in a strip mall mall so like people would pull up and like drug dealers would pull up and just park in the fire lane this was the only product we kept locked under lock and key because it was only purchased by drug dealers wow and it was like it was our most expensive product too and they know what's going on and it was just like yeah it's just like we are just

selling fake coke to drug dealers we are basically funding the legal part of the drug operation. Dude, there was one guy who would come, like, weekly who just looked like, it was like he wanted to get arrested for being a drug dealer. Like, we'd pull up to this park in the fire lane in an Escalade on Rams, get out in a big fucking coat like that dude at the end of Four Brothers wears, like that big, you know, like a furry kind of coat. I can envision it. I don't have my Four Brothers scenes right on deck the way you do. He had like four chains on.

It was just like he came out of central casting for a drug dealer. It's like, let me get that fake cocaine stuff. And also, you got any like no explode and some fucking beta this and that? Did you ever hear that like the theory that's why Housewives in the early 60s and 50s and stuff Were so into cooking and cleaning Because they were taking their Diet pills

And they were just coke Love that It is really funny that Coca-Cola Used to just have cocaine in it That's something we all know So it doesn't feel like Did you know this? We should cocaine in it. That's something we all know, so it doesn't feel like, oh, did you know this? It's like, yeah, we all know that.

But we should really think about that. That's crazy. That's crazy. Awesome. Crazy, though. Let's do our last voicemail before interviews. What do we got? Nicky!

What's up, KFC? Vice Super Producer Nick Jackie. First time, long time. So I think you guys have talked about how ridiculous the Target ads are on Instagram, Super producer, Nick, Jackie, first time, long time. So I think you guys have talked about how ridiculous the target ads are on Instagram, Facebook, whatever. So recently I've just been getting bombarded by engagement ring ads every time I open Facebook, Instagram, whatever. I mean, I've talked about engagement before, but not enough to warrant this. Not to mention I was in the car with my girlfriend listening to KFC radio,

and you guys come on with the balloon aisle ad not helping the cause. So anyways, I find out my girlfriend had taken my phone and was rattling off into the mic engagement buzzwords. That's weird. kind of crazy um anyways i was wondering what's the most ridiculous targeted ad you guys have gotten um how many times have you guys just been bullied into buying things from targeted ads forget about it it's just a matter of time and so what would you do if you could steal someone's phone and basically Inception them? I mean, it basically is Inception. You're right. So I'm going to just say things into your phone.

You know, like, who would it be and what would you do? Because I don't remember. Like, what's my craziest targeted ad? I don't know. I don't know. We do have this one. This one. It was on Barstool Sports.

That is not face cream on her face. I know who that is. That is a porn star. Shaden Rogue. That's Shaden Rogue, and she is covered in cum. Top plastic surgeon, if you have wrinkles, do this before bed. Shaden Rogue. If you don't know Shaden Rogue.

Shaden Rogue a baddie. Shaden Rogue is Megan Fox. She's a bad, bad youth girl. If you've ever wanted to see Megan Fox do porn, know Shaden Rogue Shaden Rogue is a baddie Shaden Rogue is Megan Fox she's a bad bad youth girl if you've ever wanted to see Megan Fox do porn watch Shaden Rogue her throat is endless

it's endless she is a weapon I love that girl do you remember like a few months ago yes the eye crossing stuff yes she's the one I learned it from

oh that's who honestly as you were telling it I was like I'm pretty sure I know who he's talking about yeah like he's called like Ai Joajo or some shit some anime thing where they suck dick and they get a facial

and they go and they make dumb faces because weirdo japanese people love little kids uh she is so hot and that is just a facial i mean that's smart though that's like they're like people can click on this yeah yeah that's gonna be like why is this girl coming and come what what is the faith the that's funny this is a screenshot yeah it wasn't like you actually pull up the site you were like yeah i know exactly who that is um shade and rogue yo it's so hard to remember her fucking name i think i remember it now yeah i'm always like it's spelled weird i don't even know if it is shade and rogue that's what i say yeah uh she's like top 10, too. She's up there.

You know what? You ever find a porn star? I did this recently with another chick. I don't remember her name. But I was like, oh, it was the girl with the fucking bikini thing, with the titty fuck. And I was like, yo, that girl's like a hot Spanish girl. And I clicked on it, and she was like top 15 in the world.

And I was like, oh, so I'm not alone here. There's a reason why she jumped out I like being early on the train for point I swear to god I was the first person to ever watch Adriana Tetchik have sex yeah I'm like like moment one yo there's a girl I'm gonna tell you a name if I can even find it because she's

not even like out there yet oh shit 2-2 I'm just going first of all I was like exceptionally if I can even find it because she's not even like out there yet. Oh shit. Two, two. I don't know. First of all, I was like exceptionally on no face girl. We just talked about that recently. Miss Impulse is my girl. I talked about her too.

I got to find. I don't even know this girl's name. It was something like something steel. Ivy Steel. Riley Steel. She's an old star.

Ivy Steel. Yeah. Ivy Steel is her name. She's an old star. Ivy Steele, yeah. Oh, Ivy. Ivy Steele is her name. She's on two videos on the whole fucking website. And she is something, bro. She's just got this enormous fat ass and these big tits. And she did one of the porn. Tattoos and stuff?

Yep. She did one porn where one of the videos is she does like an interview kind of before. This guy's just sitting here like just fucking. This guy's just sitting here with his face. Yeah. You know what that is? That's hot guy's fuck, right? You ever see that?

No. This is. So it's called hot guy's fuck. And I watched it because of her. And I was like, I feel like I'm going to get some talk about targeted ads. You start watching hot guy's fuck on your computer. This dude is not hot, by the way was like, I feel like I'm going to get some talk about targeted ads. You start watching hot guys fuck on your computer.

This dude is not hot, by the way. No, I know. He's just like jacked, basically. But I think in that video, they do like an interview and she's like, yeah, I don't know.

I just like... I had the porn and the shot on accident. Oh, he's wearing a condom. Gross. Yeah, that's... Get this out of here. This chick is... You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding condom. Gross! Get this out of here! Ugh!

You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding, and you show me a guy putting a condom on? Get out of here! That's crazy town, Kevin! Fucking show me portals with rubbers in them. Look at that fucking ass, though. But she does the interview, she's like, yeah, I don't even work out or anything.

I just look like this. I was like, yeah, you fucking do. But because there's only two videos on the whole fucking site I was like I think I just found like the number one prospect in the game I'm the only person

watching this hot guys fuck baby I don't even remember the question what would you say to someone's phone that's sneaky by the way

with the girl like that is yo that's some shit like what are you nuts that's what girls do man that that would be that would uh that would piss me off more than like kissing another guy in a bar you're trying to like incept me to marrying you fuck off you fucking psychopath but if you were to get that diabolical what would you do to somebody uh god damn i think the best thing you could do is like do something with your employer be you know like like uh you know i think you should give like everybody three weeks of vacation

or whatever you know just start planting seeds or like i think that guy should like all of a sudden you're getting pop-up ads like why why um like incentivizing your employees with bonuses and raises is a good idea new management methods pay your employees more money that's the only thing that matters you know they don't to insect anybody for this bullshit. Just give me money. Yeah. I would do it with like, if you had like a girlfriend or a boyfriend who like wasn't, like was clearly needed therapy but wasn't in therapy, you could do that.

Yeah, the benefits of therapy. Like breaking the stigma of mental health help, all that kind of shit. You know what I would do on, like, a daily basis? I would do, with my girlfriend's phone, like, what I want for dinner that night. I like that. Get them into fucking, you know, Taco Bell. Or vacation destinations.

I like that. Turks and Caicos. Turks and Caicos. Turks and Caicos. Psst, psst, psst. Go, go, go. Spirit Airlines or whatever fucking airline company. All right right that's it for voicemails we're going to get into our interviews now we'll start off with the legendary rob schneider who

you all know him and in this interview he just casually talks about all of his friends and contemporaries and the people he spent time with and did work with, it's a who's who. I mean, he's name-dropping, but he's not name-dropping. Right, it's like it's not name-dropping. It's like you're just talking about your friends. It would be if I was just like, so I did a show with Feidelberg, and I used to sit next to Frankie Borelli, and I've done work with Trent Ryan,

and I was on a show with Casey Smith, except imagine if it was like Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Adam Sandler. I mean, it was like absolute Hall of Fame legendary lineup. So listen to Rob Schneider and all his tales. It's brought to you by Shady Rays. High quality sunglasses for far less than the expensive brands you know. It's got the best warranty in the game because sunglasses are things that you break or you lose.

It's just what people do. And what are you doing? What are you doing? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. John is sitting here chopping up a fucking box with a knife like a psychopath. You're going to lose your sunglasses.

You're going to break your sunglasses. And Shady Rays knows that. So they give you this warranty to cover any lost or broken sunglasses with a lifetime craftsmanship warranty. If you get a lifetime on sunglasses, that's like fucking. I mean, usually they last me a month. Now they're going to last me a lifetime. Getting 10,000 to one odds on John Cougar Melon can't win an Oscar. You always take that.

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That's ShadyRays.com. Buy one, get one free with promo code KFC. That's two pairs of sunglasses for $48, and you will get a lifetime warranty on them if you break them or lose them, so you'll have those sunglasses forever. Just a little tip about the BOGOs at GNC. We just raised the prices.

Rob Schneider. You had to go. It was such a pain in the ass during BOGO times. We just raised the prices. Rob Schneider. You had to go. It was such a pain in the ass during BOGO times. You had to go change all the prices of the whole store. There he is. What's going on, bud? Genius. Getting it. Yeah, baby.

How are you, sir? Good. Just getting used to it. I don't have anybody under 30 working for me so what happened here now i've tried to kill myself but i aim too high now so i cut my i cut pretty good yeah and uh yeah we just moved uh and so i cut myself pretty darn good and then my you know my my kitty my little kids are like you know it's it's healed everything but like my my little kids are like you know it's it's healed everything

but like my my little kids are like yeah do you want band-aid for boo-boo and i'm like yeah yeah it's fine now no you need band-aid for boo-boo so if i take it off they just put me making put it back on so i leave it on they go oh so thank you for this my kids uh play with band-aids as if they're like toys so i just have they just stick it on everything i have band-aids as if they're like toys. So I just have, they just stick it on everything. I have band-aids all over my fucking house. Everywhere you look, everything I own covered in band.

Just get some scotch tape and they'll move. They'll move up. They'll adjust. Or just some scotch tape. All my tape's gone. They'll take care of the pens. These are the remaining pens in the house. That's more pens than I got in my house,

man. I'm always scrambling for pens. Yeah, I know that feeling. But I like old school pens. You know, because the problem is I remember like I started using the recorder to write down jokes or some ideas for stuff. And then like I couldn't damn find the damn thing. I'm like, what?

Where did I put it? And so I always think like, you know how you always think that piece of paper that you wrote and had that great idea, and then you lose that piece of paper and you're like, no, that was the greatest idea ever. I have to find it. And then you find it and go, oh, it's nothing. Wasn't that good? Yeah. I love the Mitch Hedberg joke about that.

You ever heard that one where he's talking about how he's like, he wakes up in the middle of the night and he's got to take notes for jokes and things like that. And he's like, and if I can't find a pen, I just have to convince myself that that joke isn't funny. It really is strange though. How I do feel like the best stuff kind of strikes you at the most inconvenient times. Well, there's a, there's not just a, that's a real thing. It's a physiological thing. It's a, the, the,

the idea behind that my understanding of it is the left brain is the more structural side and the right side is more the creative side but but the structural side takes over so when you're wide awake and you get enough exercise and right food and nutrients and sleep you are not creative you know but when you get up super early in the morning you're late and the structural side tries to get tired wants to go go to bed, and the little guy sneaks out. I think there's – I mean, in my creative thinking and writing, that seems to be the case. Yeah, that's why I'm such a piece of shit, really, to get my creative side going. I make sure I have no structure and live in squalor. I've never even considered structure in any aspect of my life.

The structural side has to have some impact. Otherwise, you end up moving into a house and then this happens for the next month. Is there anything worse? There is nothing worse than moving. I don't know what's worse, packing up or unpacking. I hate it all. I mean, I pay people. That's why I feel the real success in life isn't like getting your own Netflix special or success in your own podcast, whatever.

The real success in life is just simply this. Having enough money to pay other people to move your shit. That's success. But here's the deal. I'm actually moving at the end of the month. I'm not going to pay anybody because I don't have enough shit. I can just do it. It's just too much.

I have just – like literally, I am just moving clothes. I own nothing else in my life. I have no couch, no chairs. I'm throwing out my bed. I'm going to get a new bed. I have nothing to my name. That's great because there's just too much crap. I mean like there's some stuff that like, well, I need that.

Like I have like a sauna. Well, I got to have that. I got to take that. Well, you got to have the heated floors and especially you talk about how you don't want to – you can't get divorced again because you like your house. Turns out you got to have that. I got to take that. Well, you got to have the heated floors. And especially you talk about how you don't want to – you can't get divorced again because you like your house. Turns out you got a new one. Well, if you have nice stuff, it does feel good to have, like, a heated bathroom floor.

And then you think, like, I don't want to lose this. You can't downgrade back to that. A kitchen that's open. You have a backyard, you know. I remember, like knew i was things were going pretty good for me in new york in new york city when i had an apartment with the that had a tree in a little backyard you know it was about only about eight feet big but like whoa waller kid you know yeah so yeah the the bar that that we set for when you're in new york city is so

incredibly low it's like oh you oh, you actually have a real bedroom with actual walls that you didn't need to build. You are living large, man. I know. I remember living on Fifth Street between, and Avenue A when that was really tough. And I remember the guy, I was complaining about cockroaches to the like the landlord is $500 a month

for the apartment. And, uh, and I remember he said, no, no, no. We'll, they said, we'll take care of it. And then it was an Asian guy. Actually, I felt uncomfortable doing the accent. How screwed up is this world now? So he comes up to the place and like, while I'm in the apartment, sets off the bomb and then leaves. And it was like, you know, one of those.

Like, well, you know, I guess I'll just stay there. So I left for a couple hours and I didn't want to spend money to like go to. I didn't have any money to go to like a hotel and like whatever. So I just kind of slept with a sock over my face that night. That's like, that reminds me of like poverty i've done the exact my first time living in new york when i was 21 i was uh i did the same exact thing right had cockroaches called the landlord called the super whatever it was told them you know we got cockroaches like all right we'll come spray and i was in my bedroom at the time and it

was it was a ridiculous bedroom it was my bed my mattress barely fit in it the toilet was in my bedroom it wasn't in the bathroom The toilet was in my bedroom. It wasn't in the bathroom. The toilet was in my bedroom. The only toilet in the whole apartment. Three guys lived there. The super came in while I was asleep or while I was working and just started spraying, let off one of those bombs.

I, like someone in a movie who's been trapped, I was just trying to jam towels under the door and stuff. He didn't even check if I was home he just came in he's like like the fbi just let a smoke bomb go shut the door like clear flashbang i uh this is kind of a weird thing to admit but like you know sometimes you're just a little thick whatever and if you're a comedian or whatever and i was a young guy and like my buddy milt abel had this i I was looking for, cause I was literally, we were living with four comedians in a, it was like a two bedroom, two bedroom. So like,

you know, one guy is literally in the hallway cause he didn't want to sleep in the room. So it was, it was rough and it was a tough part of San Francisco. And so I said, I want to get my own place. And so my friends said,

dude, there's a place here. It's like not much. It's like 200 bucks a month, like 230 bucks a month. I said, I can't beat that, you know, my wages of stand-up comedy. And there was an old guy. It was a dumpy place, but it was in a good neighborhood. You know, it was in like a cool part where there was coffee.

It was near Fillmore. So they had coffee shops and girls and stuff like that. So you knew it was good. I have girls is the girls humans there were other humans around it was great it was dumpy and I remember like the guy who uh who owned the place and he was the super did it all he was in his 80s and I remember there was literally like I had nothing I had like a futon you know around the futon that's good enough but you had to have like the foam I said ah screw the foam and then you couldn't sleep. It was basically like sitting on cotton rocks or something.

And I had one bulb, but it was like 30 feet high in the ceiling. So when they take those old Victorians and they break them up into like 10 different apartments, and it was supposed to be a room, so you're going to – anyway, so there's one light 30 feet up, and it went out, one bulb. So I'm in the dark. So I, you know, at night, I, you know, knock on the door. I said, sorry, I hate the buggy, but I got a light to tell him. He said, it's the only light.

I need, you know, light. And then he said, and he was Russian. He said, I'll come about it back. I said, it's a problem. I get the ladder, but I do for you. I get your lieutenant. I do for you. And so he goes and gets this huge ladder. He get the ladder, but I do for you. I get your new tenant. I do for you. And so he goes and gets this huge ladder.

He's carrying it, you know, and then he comes into the room carrying this ladder. This guy's in his 80s, and he puts the ladder against the wall, and I'm watching him climb us all this way up there, and I'm going, did I just let an 80-year-old guy climb up a 30-foot ladder? And I'm watching this. And then he puts the other bulb in there. And he looks at me and says, you know, I haven't been feeling very good lately. Said that from the top of the ladder?

No, when he came down, he got to the left. And he left. And then he died. I basically killed this guy. The last thing he did, he climbed the ladder. I killed him. He died that night? I mean, how is it?

He died. He died. And the last thing I think, I haven't been feeling very good lately. You probably had some sort of rush of adrenaline. Maybe the heart went a little too fast. You got a little vertigo. I think you killed that man, man rob i think i asked an old guy to change the light bulb and i remember going this is why am i i'm asking why did i just ask a guy in his 80s he died on me and i felt terrible about that i mean the worst part you got a new light though and then the

worst part was the yeah i got a new life it was a good trade-off but then um worst part was, yeah, I got into the light. It was a good trade-off. But then there was nobody. He had no relatives or anything, so nobody in the apartment knew who to pay rent to. That was it. And so we didn't pay rent for a year until the state of California took it over. Hell, yeah. You really lucked out. Free year rent and a new light bulb?

Yeah. That was, you know, I was living the fat life. You know what I mean? I mean, I feel like you've seen it all. In this conversation right here, you mentioned your time in New York, San Francisco, Las Vegas. I mean, you've been in this game for quite a while. And I got to commend you, especially in a new special.

I got it on my TV right now. You look great, man. Oh, thank you, buddy. got to commend you especially in a new special i got on my tv right now you look great man oh thank you buddy i'm just i appreciate it more now that i appreciate it more now than ever i'm enjoying myself and uh and i appreciate how uh uh how temporary and fragile it all is you know especially in this pandemic we literally i said let's just shoot this thing and netflix was nice enough to to allow me to do it and then i said let just, let me just go to work for three months. Really.

I'm just working on everything and I'll bang out this, you know, so I'll just do my act. And by the time we fly out to Salt Lake and we did it February 29th, eight days later, the world shut down. You got it right in. Yeah. One of the last, you've got to be like the last Netflix special that, that wrapped up there.

Right. I think so, yeah. Because literally it was like, as Norm MacDonald calls it, the Tom Hanks disease came in. Yeah, I mean, right under the wire. Yeah, and I remember like, is this really going to happen? I remember I longed for the old days of flattening the curve, remember? This is going to be two weeks, everybody.

Let's all work together for two weeks. You tried. It didn't work out. I don't know how much we work together. I don't think we're much of a togetherness people. Yeah, I'm not into that. I'm like, hey, we're all in this together. Why don't you come and help me unpack some of this shit?

I love the way the special starts. It's on Netflix now, Asian Mama, Mexican Kids. And within the first couple jokes, you are speaking my language, brother. Just talking about, you know, like, first of all, you're not supposed to look hot when you're 50. Who wants to be jacked and all that shit when you're older? And the bit about you're not even interested in sex anymore you just want cookies oh i mean you're talking right to me you're speaking to my problem i i know but i i i hope uh you uh i'm trying to get back in shape as best as i can it is tougher though

and i do see these guys that are doing it i can't do it five days a week i just can't you know but like you just you know like like the great louis ck said i just want to be in enough in the in the shape of when i die people go what happened i hope he comes back by the way i i just he just performed with dave chapelle at his uh whatever dave chapelle at that place he has oh I didn't know that have you seen his new special the one that came out early in the pandemic uh no I have not it's fantastic it's really I know I heard he's he's yeah he's amazing I heard I heard the the workings of that about like uh before he filmed it it's it's one of those things no matter what you think of him it's funny it's it's you know it it's funny. It's like humor and funny,

being funny is a subjective thing, but also not really. You know what I mean? There's something. No, there's universal truth. There's like, he has a way to express absurdism and with a beautiful logic to it.

All this stuff has logic. When I've talked to him, he just said he comes up with an idea and he has to make sure that it has, that the logic is there and that it's rational. Then he can, has his absurd make sure that it has that it's real, that the logic is there and it's rational. Then he can has his absurdist take on it. He's brilliant. I mean, he should be able to come back. I mean, honestly, that, you know, there's where is the end date for him?

I mean, like, you know, Martha Stewart, they threw her in prison. Right. And then like she got out. Right. What does he get out? You know, being creepy is certainly not not something that is, you know, that people are going to remember that. You know, that's the creepy guy. Just make sure he keeps his pants on. But at the same time, like, when is enough? I mean, we deserve to have Louis C.K., you know, to entertain us. And he's there. So I think it's just, I think it's a very reactive time in society and, you know, and rightfully so people should be banished, but not, you know, but for, for, you know, I think it has to be, we have to look at this thing and not just throw people away forever.

Who is, I see, is that Richard Pryor back there behind you? Oh yeah. Yeah. No, he's my hero. And you're mentioning Louie. Who is like the greatest for you or who was your inspiration? Richard Pryor is the guy that we're all stealing from. I mean, even the guys who don't know it,

there's like second and a third generation of it. I mean, I grew up and I listened to Cheech and Chong. Getting the chance to work with Cheech Marin was like a dream for me. Because Cheech and Chong was like, you know, anything when you're a little kid and you're laughing your head off, you can't breathe, you know, with your brother, you know, that's the greatest. And it was, it was a class clown uh by george carlin and it was um richard anything by richard pryor uh and um then by the time you know monty python and then steve martin came around i was in

and like how do i do this i want to do this this is fun what's your favorite python movie i i feel like my my dad used to make me watch monty python when i was what's your favorite python movie i i feel like my my dad used to make me watch monty python when i was a kid and i love it but i feel like most kids my age either don't even know about it or don't like it well it really is a shame that um that there's a certain loss from the connection of comedy i mean they really were the beatles of comedy for for people who um they're the high watermark of comedy in the 20th they really were the Beatles of comedy for, for people who, um, they're the high watermark of comedy in the 20th century. And anyone who doesn't say that it's just not educated about comedy in the 20th century. Cause they, it, but it built off an incredible

thing to get to that point. But if you ask John Cleese, I've been very lucky to, uh, to meet him a few times, silly is King,ier the better the goofier and the more you commit to it and it's like that's what people i think are gonna i want now is just very silly stuff and not like you know stuff that to show how smart the comedian is and they were brilliant but the stuff that everybody remembers is like the the silly walks and the faces and the exaggerations and like the spanish inquisition that and like the Spanish inquisition. That's the Spanish inquisition is a classic. And spam. All their movies are great. I mean, I really, really enjoyed,

the thing I really remember was seeing the meaning of life in San Francisco, the very first show, like at 1130 AM. And it was only two people in the theater. I was like in the middle and then rob williams was sitting in the back by himself i didn't know he was there until until he started laughing and then you know you know you know until he was just slapping the chair and i go oh robin's up there did you know him at the time well yeah we we all knew him he was like um you know the biggest comedy star in the world at that time.

But he was from San Francisco. His wife, Valerie, lived up there. But he would go to Hollywood, obviously, and have fun in Hollywood. But that's why the reason we had a scene in San Francisco is because that's how huge he was. I mean, he was like a supernova, this guy. And so we would have like nobody in the audience or eight people or three people and then they rob millions would come in and everyone on the street would hear about it and then their neighbors whatever and then they pack the club and then we'd have an audience and

that literally and so they have the little club started popping up on the off chance that robin williams would show up and more times than not he would so he's like he was like a one-man market really like he he brought he created that scene without question. He made it blow up. I mean, there was like the boarding house, which was like a little coffee place where people would tell jokes. And then there was like some stuff in the 50s, you know, with the old Purple Onion and things.

But San Francisco is like a comedy scene when you have like a bunch of comedians, not just, you know, Woody Allen would come in or Phyllis Diller would come in like on a weekend there at the old Barbary Coast. There was – so this was like a comedy scene now. And so guys that came at it, but it was largely, if not completely, he was responsible for it. I was reading the book Robin by Dave Itzkoff, which is about his full life. It's incredible.

But they were there. And there's a bit in that saying something very similar to what you're saying. We're like Letterman and like Johnny Carson would like be out, like just waiting to hear where Robin Williams was. And then they'd show up in the club and like, they'd try to get in like everyone else. And it was like, you know, like the legends were like, we got to see Robin. Yeah, no, he really was. There's a few times in the history of show business where,

where you have like Elvis, or you have like a comedy Elvis or a particular, like I'm watching that Frank Sinatra special. It's a couple of years old documentary. And like, he was Elvis before Elvis. And people realize like there were thousands of people, girls mostly just clamoring to get a chance to see Frank Sinatra in the early 40s. And so there was an explosion of comedy.

And the guy who was the pressure on him to accomplish that and um not disappoint people was phenomenally difficult for him i would see him go on and he would do at least an hour or two hours up in san francisco so that he took to warm him up for when he popped into la yeah and he literally would just absorb everything and that's why like i never had a problem with um or never thought anything wrong with with him um taking ideas from people because he wasn't stealing the joke he would take that idea and sometimes and instantly need to know where to go with it and sometimes he would come out and it would be somebody else's thing but he was working at another speed and i i you know the guys who knew him and and we we all knew

like where he was responsible for us having gigs and having this all happening. So to me, it was, you know, when he started to go into a bit of mine on Oprah Winfrey. And I remember he was about to do it. It was like an old bit like Elvis on a fishhook. And I saw him and I said, he's going to do it. But I didn't feel like, oh, my God, he's stealing my bit. I was like, oh, my God, he's going to do my bit in a good way. It's an honor.

Yeah. Yeah. And at the same time, like, because I remember, like, Dana Carvey, one of the most generous, sweetest, greatest comedians we've ever had. He was talking to Robin. Robin said, hey, I'm sorry if I ever took some of your bits. He said, what about all the voices I do of you?

They said, Robin, you're responsible for us. Because Robin was such a huge talent that talent agents and the David Letterman show and Johnny Carson and NBC would go up to San Francisco and say, are there others?

Are there other Robins up here? And there wasn't. It wasn't. But that's how I got discovered. That's how Dana got discovered because they came up looking because that's where Robin started. No kidding. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Are you aware that the way you speak of all these guys, there are people who speak about you and your crew and Happy Madison and the Sandler gang in the same vein for, you know, the next generation. Well, I hope so. It'd be nice. I mean, I'll tell you, I really appreciate the, that sentiment because you know, all the greats were great to me. I mean, truthfully, I remember, I mean, I had a manager in San Francisco.

I literally had like a, I was driving a little crappy car and they said, listen, Jay Leno's booked into town. He's going to play in San Jose. You're going to pick them up and you're going to, you know, San Francisco. Cause I was like a rat, you know, I knew, I knew my way around San Francisco like anything. And this is before, you know, they didn't have no internet or this, you know, there was no global positioning system to, to figure out where you were. You had a Thomas guide and you had to, you guide, and you had to know where you go.

So just be there on time. Look nice. Make sure your car is clean. Take him to the radio shows to promote his gig. Take him to his hotel. Take him to a gig. So anyway, I pick him up. I got my sign, Jay Leno.

I'm like 20. I pick him up, and then I take him to the radio station you know and he says come on you know come on up come on up hey he's getting the comedy when you come on up so i go up and then um uh and he does the radio show and he's after the radio shows he goes uh that uh you want me to take you to your hotel mr leno i said is there uh you know you got a good chinese restaurant well i i know uh i know the best one I could take you to, sir. And he said, well, give me a name. So I had a place that my dad and my mom, it was their fancy place.

And I said, okay, I got, that's the place. My mom and dad wouldn't take me there. When they went on a date, that's where they, because we had like seven of us, right? So that's where they go. So I took them there and I, you know, and I said, you know, can we please get a nice table for Mr. Leno? And he went and I said, you want to come in and eat? And I go, sure. So I would come in and sit with him. And he said, and he said to me, please get a nice table for Mr. Leno? And he went in and said, do you want to come in and eat? And I go, sure. So I would come in and sit with him.

And he said to me, so are you a comedian? I went, yes. How much time you got? And I go, you know, maybe eight minutes. You know how much time you have material? He said, how much time you got? And I said, I mean, I don't know, eight minutes. He said, good.

I'm glad to hear that. You know, most comedians I ask, how much time you got? much time you got i got two hours who wants to hear two hours of comedy material you think you have you know you either have five minutes of murders every time out everywhere you go or you have that or you have nothing you know everybody's got two hours they come just go up and kill if you don't have something kills every time anyway you got nothing and they said all you need 20 minutes to become a star in la that's all you need 20 minutes and so i never forgot that i literally said i spent the next six months working on five minutes and then that was the five minutes i ended up doing on david letterman wow you got to hear a guy tell you that and then like around that time uh jerry

seinfeld came in by that time he'd done like 42 Tonight Shows. And so he performed at a place called Cobb's Pub, which is like a bar with a stage where you could fit like 180 people, which is like everybody paying 15 bucks, you know, makes his weekend, right? It's not a bad gig if you can do it. And you get good Chinese food. So after the show, Jerry, and it was all our comedians were all watching him. He's got the keys to the kingdom.

How does he do it? And he's just a great jokesmith and just told great stories and everything and amazing jokes. And then after we hung out with him, just, you know, please tell us how you did this. And he said, hey, you guys got to work clean. You got to take all the swear words out. And then if you take the swear words out, and it's not funny without the swear words, then it's not funny without the swear words then it's not funny i've heard him say that before i don't agree with that i think like a good fuck

is funny sometimes no it is but if it's all if it's only funny because of the fuck then right i mean but i get that but you could also you know uh if it's only funny because it's about sex or if it's only funny like that's what's funny is't it I know there's a joke that I do in the news special that I where I throw a fuck in there and it seems not it just helps a little bit more than

than it would if I didn't have it my daughter I'm talking to my three year old which is real talking about potty training because she just wasn't into it and we said we're going to let her decide, and she just wouldn't decide. It's a true story. And she speaks Spanish mostly more than English because my wife speaks Spanish pretty much.

That's it. And then so she said to me, Papi, my main three-year-old, Papi, cambio mi, por favor. And I went, que? What? She said, can you change me, please, Daddy? And I'm like, you know, Mad said, can you change me, please, daddy? And I'm like, you know, Madeline, if you're smart enough to tell me in two different fucking languages, then you're smart enough to hop your little culo up in the toilet right there.

Now, the fart I put in there. It made a difference. I think so. Yeah. It stood alone. It was fine. It's a very funny joke either way. It's hilarious.

But a lot of you saying it to your three-year-old, especially because it's a frustrating thing, that's a place where you would say it. I think so. I think it helps goose it a little bit. You know what I mean? It's like sometimes you pop from second gear to fourth gear, and there's that little thing. You need to go, eh. You got to, you know, sometimes you pop from second gear to fourth gear, and there's like a little thing. You need to go, and you got to, you know, there's that.

I think that's what the F word is sometimes. I have no idea what you're talking about, because I don't know how to drive a stick shift. But I get what you're saying. I learned how to drive a stick in San Francisco with those crazy hills. Back in the day? You really had to, like, get the clutch in and do that. You know, come off the clutch. And then you got to like get the clutch and do that you know that's the worst

place off the clutch just kidding you gotta go right to the brake because sometimes the car doesn't didn't get in there's a carburetor delay and if you have a dirty carburetor like i always had you know so it's like and then you're trying to and you're trying to get your driver's license this is okay right you know but you learn how to drive. That's all you have. You get some crappy car. And it was fun, actually. I loved those days. Well, it worked out pretty well for you, Rob. I mean, how many years later, how many movies later,

how many specials later? You're a goddamn legend, man. Oh, thank you. I still feel like I'm just getting started. I swear. It's the best thing ever was to get back to stand-up for me. Thank you. Because Chris Rock was talking me into it to get back to stand up for me. Thank you. Cause Chris rock was talking me into it. And I was so intimidated by how great he was.

I remember like Chris was a guy who had vision for what he was doing. And, and then I remember to go see him after he left Saturday night live. And, um, he never popped like, you know, Adam Sandler, of course, but, but like he was always just brilliant comic and the best of all of us, for sure. And I went to go see him down in San Diego. It was on a Sunday night at a club, the Improv. This is like in 97 or 96. And I went to go.

I drove down to go see him. And we had a couple of drinks after. He didn't really drink, but like I do. We were talking and he said, man man i'm just about to blow up and i go and i saw his act and it was great but like it wasn't packed in there on the sunday night it was like you know most 75 packed it wasn't totally packed man i'm telling you i'm about to blow up i'm gonna be the biggest comedian in the world it's all i mean it's gonna happen now it's all right there and then i went man i mean uh i hope so i said okay but he had that vision for it and i didn't see it at that time but then he he that next routine that routine that he did how

it developed how i saw in a couple of months and then he put an hbo and it was like the the defining it's really what changed comedy from the this new wave of comedy was from him yeah i mean chapelle's great and everything but it was chris rock that got i mean it was the foundational stuff the new really introspective interesting socially commenting things that that uh you know that's why like louis ck used to write for chris rock i mean, it was Rock. And then he did blow up, and everything he said to me came true. Must be nice to have that kind of confidence.

Yeah, do you think that was, like, confidence that he knew it, or do you think he was, you know, you got to walk the walk, you know, like, you're going to convince himself it's going to happen, or he really just knew it was that good? I don't know. That's a very good question. I do think though, you know,

if I can say like, you know, to get metaphysical on your ass, I would just say if I had to say how I think the universe works in creativity, if I had to think about what it works, is that you have to really have a design for it. And I mean that, a real design. Like, if you're going to

build the house you're living in or the studio you have or whatever, you have to like, okay, we're going to need this. I would like to have it like this. And then you go, okay, what are the materials I need? Well, I'm going to have to have this wall. I'm going to have to have this sound system. I'm going to have to have these people. And then you've got to build it and then design it and then go, okay.

And then you get the materials for it and then you build it. But creatively to be this person and have that kind of you know impact on the world and culture pop culture whatever music whatever you have to have that excitement and that joy and that that vision for it and want it and at the same time want it because you love it and it's that kind of and i think that's what's underneath and that's why it was working for him and i understood it and i didn't think he was delusional I just didn't see it like how he was gonna make that gigantic leap and he did and he made it and everything he said is like when I saw that special and I was like dude I had you nailed it harder than I've ever seen anybody in our

generation nail it well I hope you realize that you are right there on that list as well oh thank you brother success and the new special is very funny. You got back on stage and it seems like you just seamlessly slid right back in. So it's out on Netflix now. Asian Mama, Mexican Kids. And, you know, thanks for all the laughs all throughout the years. Thanks for the time today. Well, thanks so much for having me.

I appreciate it, Kevin. Thank you, Nick. All the best to you guys. All right. Continued success for you, too. Thanks, man. Have a good one. See ya.

Thanks, now. All right. Big thanks to Rob Schneider.. Thanks, man. Have a good one. See you. Thanks, now. All right. Big thanks to Rob Schneider. He's just a nice guy. He is like a legend of the game. And at one point, we were just like deep into the combo that it was just like, I'm just like chatting with this dude. He's like hanging out, shooting the shit.

Speaking of hanging out and shooting the shit, Ravi Patel's up next. And this guy, we got along up next and this guy you know we fit we got in we got along real well together and you know what i don't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing to highlight but it's a rare thing when guests are like yeah i was listening to you guys recently and he was talking about something we said on the podcast earlier and i was like this guy's down with kfc radio so i'm down with him so very funny conversation and we got to get in depthdepth on some shit too. A real good combo with Ravi Patel.

Let's do it. Download the app. Five stars. A good comment. A nice comment. A really great comment. And hashtag happy birthday, Johnny Boy. We got Ravi Patel on the podcast here.

Live from your kitchen, huh? You're just setting up shop in the kitchen? Yeah, because you know I was about to get a snack, and then I started getting into this. I was playing with this microphone. Snack never happened, and now this is where it's happening. So we're getting an angry, hungry guy right here? Yeah, yeah.

What were you going to snack on? That's important. Is it going to be some L.A. shit? Well, I was going to throw up. No, bro. I was going to throw up. No, bro. There's no L.A. shit? Well, I was going to throw up. No, bro. I was going to throw up. No, bro. There's no L.A. shit during a pandemic.

I am full on reverted to my 18-year-old self. I'm making egg sandwiches, lots of cheese. I drink beer sometimes in the morning. Nice. I love it. My poker hat, I'm full-on relapse with with poker i mean it's it's gotten bad but but i'm winning it's good yeah right and you're gonna win forever only a relapse if it's a problem and yeah you know nothing could go wrong with uh with

gambling your money no no problems there i like how you at least stopped at 18 with your uh where you like where you're eating at because i'm eating at like a six-year-old level. I ate – this weekend I ate about three Charleston Chews per day. Full size? Full size, baby. Full size. That means your jaw and your teeth was broken. Oh, it was disgusting.

I could hear myself. I'm eating Apple Jacks, Frosted Flakes, Charleston Chews, and peanut Butter and Jellies, and drinking just fucking massive glasses of milk. That's good for you, man. You see, man? Look at those cheeks. Last night, I got the graham crackers, and I had Hershey bars, full-size Hershey bars, in the freezer. I didn't go as far to melt up the marshmallows, but I was basically just having chocolate

graham cracker sandwiches over my sink last night and drinking uh straight out of the gallon of milk i call that living okay yeah it's living i mean look i i've i feel like i've i've gotten in touch with a part of myself that i should have never said bye to but like when you grow up you you you feel all this need to to grow up yeah yeah like joy of life is all that childhood stuff i'm not even kidding like on a spiritual level i was telling my wife the other day i was like my life now is like fun first and work and all that stuff i have has to fit into it nothing kind of way to way to do it. Do you think that's going to last forever? Well, first, that's a privilege-y possibility.

But I mean, I'm definitely, we're talking about leaving LA and part of it is because I'm like, I would love to get our overhead down to 25% of what it is today. And then I would love to get into, right now I do, I'm in a little bit of a busy time but like generally speaking I've been doing like 25 hour work weeks and getting a decent amount done

and I think that is sustainable I'm not gonna be able to do it when I'm like shooting stuff obviously I mean you can't do that forever right but I think it's possible man I mean I'm and you think that's uh like uh because of the pandemic, like you're thinking differently now or what inspired that or you were always kind of planning on doing that? No, I would. You know what? I was already on the way. I have a three and a half year old daughter. I've been married for six or seven years. And I was already I was already having these thoughts of like, Oh, like my whole life, I've put so much effort into trying to achieve, like, like wanting to do big, cool things. And there's nothing wrong with that. But what I realized is I had an unhealthy relationship with,

with work and like my self-esteem was kind of tied to oh man you know what were the things yep you know what i'm talking about i absolutely feel this i mean i feel i also was reading up on you how you used to be what an investment banker or something in finance yeah and then yeah but that's bullshit i was it was only like four or five months and and uh it was never gonna last i honestly i had already spent all my vacation days on players games every weekend. Well, I had the same sort of thing, like a bullshit cup of coffee in the finance world before realizing like, I, I'm not good at this. I'm never going to succeed at this. And so let me go try to do something. And I never knew if this was going to work, but I was like,

but I know that's not going to work. So I got to roll the dice elsewhere. So I feel like you already were kind of on that path of like, I can't, I can't do the regular bullshit life. And I feel like you're kind of seeing, it's like almost like a, you know, it's, it's happening again now at this age where it's all about life, not necessarily work. Well, yeah. I mean, like, and, and that, that look, that too is, I mean, just, just being able to pursue something that you actually enjoy, like where there's some purpose in it, that's like already you're beating 95%. Big time.

Yep. But that actually also is a way of cheating the system, right? Because what you do, if you love what you work, you can kind of justify working even more all the time. And, you know, that can be unhealthy. And it's like, i'm like i chronically like i put my parents and stuff like i put my wife and stuff i mean this the show like that that i'm here for like my everyone i love is in the show and that's great that i did that but then at the same time like now i think my new goal is finding ways to be like okay i want to allocate

real estate that has nothing to do with work. And that's what the pandemic's been. I just saw like the other day, I was sitting on the sofa for a good 10 minutes, eating vanilla ice cream in the dark. I'm a grown man. And I was just like, I didn't notice it till 10 minutes in. And I was like, and I had a moment where I'm like no this is this is great the only thing missing is like i wish i had cookies i texted my wife i was like yo can you order some cookies tomorrow you know i i'd love to like just talk to a european and see what they think about how americans are reacting to the pandemic in different ways.

Obviously, there are a lot of bad ways. But two in particular that I think a lot of Americans are realizing is, one, maybe I don't have to work as much as I do. And two, outside bars are pretty good. And Europeans are like, yeah, we've been doing both those forever, dude. I'm so flabbergasted by the outdoor bars like wow this is an incredible who came up with this idea like other people many many many years ago yeah every everything's just uh a surf lodge are you guys know what surf lodges yeah oh yeah yeah it's great though oh yeah it's the best outside partying is like the best thing ever What's been y'all's biggest

Like change in habit That you love And it doesn't even necessarily stay After the pandemic I haven't set an alarm since Yeah And like I've actually been waking up Pretty normally still

Which is unfortunate But I haven't been waking up pretty normally still, which, like, is unfortunate. But I haven't been jarred, like, jarringly awoken, like, since it started. It's been – I wake up when I wake up, and it's usually around 830 or so. It's not – I'm not sleeping until 1 o'clock every day. But it's nice to not have, like, the – like, it ruined Call Me Maybe for me because that's my alarm clock. Oh, no. And I have, like –

American classic. It's, like, I have, like – I have – it's, like, my alarm's actually – What's Call Me Maybe for me because that's my alarm clock. Oh, no. I have like – American classic. It's like I have like – I have – It's like my alarm is actually – What's Call Me Baby? Call Me Maybe, the Carly Rae Jepsen. Call Me Maybe is the song that you wake up to? Well, it's one of my first –

So I'm smart where I have – How are you? I have a progression of alarm clocks. Like it starts off with Taylor Swift, Fearless, and it's a little slower, right? And then kicks up to Call Me Maybe. We got a little pop, and it's a little more bounce to it. And then if I'm not up after that, it's Blockbuster Night by Run the Jewels. And that's like, that's like a song you play going into war.

And I usually sleep until that one. Well, that is kind of waking up every day. I have to do two things. Either you're single or your girlfriend is 17. No, you're not on Chris D'Elia's podcast right now. This is KFC Radio. I am not single,

but my girlfriend lives in Boston. He's waking up solo so he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Good for you, bro. You're living the life. Living. She can figure that out. She can put in earbuds if she needs to. Yo, I snore so bad.

She's actually moving here at the end of the month. She's a saint. No, no, no. Wait. You think so. This dude is a fucking bear,, no, no. Wait. You think so. This dude is a fucking bear, man. I don't know.

He makes noises that aren't even human. It's like this guttural sound. I mean, I've literally punched him in the face to try to wake him up, and he won't wake up. Oh, dude, my friends in college, I mean, it was miserable. I mean, like, I feel you, dude. But after a while, you just have to love yourself. You know, guys?

It's's me. Here's the deal. I am – so it's funny because me and my dad are the same way. We're both just absolute monsters. You're not human. But we handle it very differently. Like I wake up and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something.

I, you know, like, say if you want me to get surgery, I'll get surgery. I apologize. I like warn people if they're sleeping to surgery, I'll get surgery. I apologize. I like warn people if, if they're sleeping in like the same house as me, I'm like, just so you know, I'm loud as hell and I'm sorry. And my,

my dad's the other way. He just gets up. He's like, fucking deal with it. He does not give a shit that he's interrupting anyone else's sleep. No, wait, now I'm thinking you might be worse than me.

If you're in a room, let's say, let's say you're going to the lake you guys rented a vacation house we're talking a seven bedroom seven bath three level situation you're in the upper left bedroom of the house what's the radius of this like how many people are going to be disturbed everyone on on the top floor? Oh, yeah. Floors for sure. Yeah, floor without a doubt. Yeah, you're done if you're on the same floor as me. What I was thinking is like what's the setup?

Like is it a loft type setup? Is there a window into the living room kind of deal? Because then I'm more in the whole house. The blast radius is insane. I mean it reaches – the shock waves will reach far and wide. I got a sleep apnea test when I was like 20, and the doctors were like, there's nothing wrong with you, but we can't believe it. We don't understand, but you're healthy, I guess. Well, maybe you're like – this is like your X-Men.

It's just like the most useless superpower of all time. I need like a snore-off between you two, though. Can you like set up a camera late at night and we'll just listen to you snore and we'll compare? I think he wins. Ruffy just really didn't want to set up a camera in his bedroom for us. I'm not checking out your schematics going into a vacation. I'll rent my own house If I know what that is Like an open floor plan

I'll get my own place I have a question So I was listening to an episode That y'all did By the way, I love you guys Oh, thank you It's very rare that we actually have a guest Who really, truly listens to us

I was listening to an episode of you guys and one of you um i can't always tell the difference from y'all's voices on when i'm listening and one of you is doing a promo for one of those boxer companies it's like sell clothes on facebook okay and you know like you know these podcasts uh uh ads you know they're always like super organic you tell a personal story you don't know you're in a commercial until like you're like oh wait it's and so one of y'all was talking about how like oh like i ran out of boxers and these guys mailed me new boxers yeah but then the story kept going and you're like two weeks later i ran out of boxers and and and i couldn't even like pay attention for like five minutes because it was never revisited.

And I'm like, are they going to discuss that this dude just ran out of boxers twice in a month? Is he not doing laundry? Yeah, I'm not doing laundry. I'll tell you why. My fucking dryer's broken. And I'm not trying to go to the wash and fold. And when I first ran out, a gift from the heavens fell to my lap

and so i figured let's let's let's ride that wave until it ends i don't know and then it happened the second time it was like maybe this is just a new thing where the universe is going to grant me free boxes every time i need them that wasn't that was a true story that wasn't like no first brand integration oh that was that happened i mean i have since done some laundry but there really was two times in a row that i ran out and there was mac weldon just just landed on my doorstep i was like wow this is the universe is finally giving me something good i can't believe it what what's been the worst like uh not hobby uh chore that you've had to do like you never really did but you started doing during the pandemic like i've started doing laundry because my

wash and fold was closed forever and it's awful kevin was tweeting about this weekend as well how bad his laundry is is there anything that like your period you've had to start doing so you have a girlfriend but you live alone i don't i have roommates i live alone right now they're not here but yes i have roommates Okay and what about you? I'm divorced You're divorced and you live alone? Yeah Okay great

So your life is probably the easiest slash hardest Because you're alone You can do whatever you want But then also you don't have any help doing stuff Yeah Yeah it's like I wear many hats But it's like when I'm in single guy mode

Pretty easy Living by myself Don't really care about anything And then a few days a week i have to have little humans live with me because i'm a dad and it's like then then all of a sudden the single dad uh lifestyle and apartment like you reap what you sow all of a sudden i'm like well i'm not equipped to have these little humans here i don't even have underwear man so it goes back and forth how many kids you have how old are they i got two i got a uh daughter who's four and a half and i got a son who just turned three oh dude congrats yeah it's a trip

your daughter's three and a half no wonder it ended that's a close in age yeah it was listen no joke aside we probably had some things we should have worked on and we just went pedal to the metal with kids and there was just no working on us at that period of time so uh but yeah this weekend i was playing uh the floor is lava with my kids where we were just running all around the apartment you had to step on pillows instead of the floor and uh and it was like because they're old enough now that they're they're fun you know what i mean i was like playing with them and i was like this is pretty fucking cool and Keegan my son he uh we had mega stuff Oreos not even double stuff mega stuff he undoes it he unscrews it and then he he takes off the whole the whole cream and he just popped the cream in his mouth and I was like that's my son see that's

my son I gotta I gotta take yeah I hate you for this and we might break up over this listen to this Stupid take Ravi. I think I think the double stuff is too much stuffing now as a kid. I love it fucking ass I'm a single stuff guy. Don't you agree with him or I'll kick you right off this fucking show Single stuff you're gonna go single stuff. Well, I think I think buddy I think it depends on your values around the stuff. I mean, some people are like the cookie more than the stuff. Who? Who? Your equal opportunity. No way.

The cookie is far inferior to the cream. Without the cream, there is no Oreo. That might be the subconscious white supremacy. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. More white. More white. Less black. Give me the book.

I need two whites for every one black. Load up on the white. By the way, I wasn't trying to avoid your question. I was just trying to see what I could say. I don't even remember the question, so you're fine. Don't worry. You just asked me what I've been doing. My wife and I have joked that the divorce set up with kids is actually the better business.

You get half your days off. That's better than a teacher's work here. If you can have an amicable divorce like i have i harbor a lot of guilt we don't have to get into all that but but so when i'm not with my kids sometimes i'm like oh man i should i should be there but if you can do it in a peaceful way yeah it's it's not only like it's the only setup like there's a reason why young parents new parents go fucking insane because you're losing sleep and you're not you're not doing well at work and you're not seeing your

friend it's not healthy it's not normal if you can just have a like all right i go balls to the wall with my kids i'm in dad mode for whatever period of time and then i get to go be an adult human i get to date hang out see people party a little bit, focus on work. It's, I can't believe we don't come up with a better, a better system. You should be able to do that when you're not divorced, but it feels like, uh, you know, I just remember when I was married, it was like when it, when it was like her turn and she was on duty. So was I, if I was just like, all right, have fun with the kids. I'm going out for a little bit. It was like, no, you're fucking not, but it should be that way. Cause I was just like, all right, have fun with the kids. I'm going out for a little bit. It was like, no, you're fucking not.

But it should be that way because I think everyone would keep their sanity a little more. Well, I agree with you. I mean, we actually touch on this. We do an episode of my show with my wife and I specifically about parenting. And one of the things we discovered was that, like, you're completely right what you're talking about. Our parents, they didn't parent the way we parent like the amount of attention that we give kids the amount of pressure we feel to be great parents is so much like my parents they just didn't want me to die they didn't you know like

keep them breathing all they did they gave me love they were very loving but like they weren't paying attention to every second of my day they weren't paying attention to every decision every way they spoke to me and so we have this kind of unsustainable expectation on parents just in the amount of time we're supposed to spend with our kids the amount of attention we're supposed to give them it's not even necessarily good for them because when you give kids attention they end up not being as gritty. They're not as tough. And they don't have the imagination. Robin Williams became Robin Williams because his parents

didn't hang out with him and he sat in an attic the whole night playing with toys. We got all his voices and everything. Came up with the genie. If Robin Williams grew up today, we wouldn't get Robin Williams. You know what? That's it. I'm going to start neglecting my kids right fucking now. You better be an animated hero one day pal well there's studies that support what you're saying about the creativity thing really yeah independence really fosters that stuff and

another thing that's really different is back in the day there was a stronger sense of community and communities were more in charge of the kids everybody you know takes a village yeah yeah okay and if you look at like um immigrant communities like we live across you from a park in la and you'll see these uh you know like latino like giant families they come and the kids are just running around within that indian families are like that too okay and so we like we would never we would never do that. That's just not how it is. You kind of keep an eye on your kids.

I mean, there's a little bit of that when we're close friends. But for the most part, we're playing one-on-one. There's not a lot of zone D. I know. Yep. It makes all the difference. I mean, even like I always – it's my breaking point as a dad, but I'll spin it for the imagination thing here.

I always say, go have quiet time, go do quiet time. And I did that the other day and I went to check on him. And my daughter said, I'm working on my moves. She was doing a good dance routine. And Keegan had built himself like a little fort. I was like, fuck. Yeah, kids like you don't even need me. Let's go.

But had I been sitting there micromanaging and checking on them and all that, nothing would have happened, you know? This is a fun age for them though, huh, man? Yeah, they're very funny. And like the shit they say and like. So I had a moment the other day where I had like a meltdown as a dad. I got so. So my daughter has been going.

And let me get your opinion on this. I live kind of on the border of a ritzy town, and I'm on the wrong side of the tracks. But some of the parents and the families that my kids know are pretty wealthy. So they're going to a tennis camp. Were you Boston? Were you Newton or something? Are you in Boston? No, I'm in New York.

I live in Mount Vernon. They live in Bronxville. So it's like one of the richest towns and one of the not so richest towns. And this kid is going to tennis camp, which I think is a little early for four-year-olds, but whatever. It's 300 bucks a day. Okay. And, and they are paying for it. So my first question is like, I'm just going to let that happen. I ordinarily would be the type, like I'll get the bill. I'll, you know, I got i gotta contribute i don't really give a shit about tennis camp and i think i'm just gonna let these people keep paying for my kids okay as long

as we're on board with that okay and then um so we've been packing a snack for her for shay my daughter and she says she says mommy can you put them in the bags that i can see through because i can't open my snacks she's just been going to camp and she's unable to open the fucking bag and these goddamn camp counselors aren't helping her she said her friends had to help her open up her bag you gotta teach her the bite i get well that's what is it my fault is it their fault i'm like i feel like for us right around time you gotta learn to bite that shit open just eat through the wrapper shay i feel like if you can't open a bag that tennis game is not gonna go well she hates it i said i said what do you do at the

camp she goes we hit the ball i was like ah yeah it doesn't sound like tennis is for you girl let's get back to doing your moves let's get back to dancing but i had this this feeling of like all of a sudden the next 15 years flashed through my mind of like what else is she not going to be able to do what else is she not going to be able to learn what else is she gonna need help with what i went crazy and then i had to get back to what you were saying of like just let them be and they'll learn they'll figure it out dude i think that's totally natural i mean like it's hard not to watch the behavior and you know a lot most of the times i think most parents are impressed like we all think our kids are geniuses you're like how are they but then other times you're like oh wait wait wait. Is she dumb? Definitely.

Definitely. I got the dumb kid shit. I'll be honest. I'm not one of those people. I do not want her to be an Ivy League level. I don't care for Ivy League people. I think they're kind of the worst. And so I don't care for Ivy, Ivy league people. I think they're like, I think they're kind of the worst. And so I don't want her like,

I want her to just be really nice and love normal. Yeah. And I want her to be normal and I want her to be tough. That's all. Like if she can do that, then we're, then, then we're good. I had thoughts of like, by, by my son's age, Tiger Woods was like, you know, driving the ball 190 yards. I was thinking, you know, his father had him in the golf club in his hand, learning and reading up on the game. And I'm like, you know, my kid's still shitting his pants the other day. We're still working on potty training. And, you know, I was thinking like, I guess they're at that point where I

should really, you know, if they're going to be something special now would be the time to like start. And I was like, I don't think I, I think I want them to just be normal and have like a normal life and a normal job and not, not go crazy over, you know, careers and athletics and all that shit. Oh, totally dude. I totally agree. And by the way, if you have any doubt about that, watch any of those documentaries on child prodigies. Like my buddy made a great one about a prodigy,

like child project, like golfers, called The Short Game. Like their lives are so – or even watch the documentary on the Spelling Bee Kids. Oh, yeah, yeah. The pageant ones. Right. That's not how you want your kid. I think all you need to do is figure out ways to get your kid – like teach your kid – figure out ways to put them in an environment where they can experience the ideal flow, right? Like where they get in their zone on stuff because they're bored and

then start doing something. And then also, I think the other thing is I want to teach my kid the process of getting great at things. Because if you learn what it's like to work hard at something and get good at it, like that to me is a skillset that's more important than being really good at math or really good at like, like just knowing that, like, if you work at something, understanding that emotional fulfillment of working hard and breaking through the tough moments, the fulfillment, like that to me, like that's a tool for life. Yeah. apply that to anything you know whatever whatever it is that you're achieving you know that feeling now i'm with you man now is that one of life's universal questions that you explore on ravi patel's uh pursuit of happiness like how to raise children thank you that's

that's great hosting bro um yeah we actually we have an episode so for everyone who's listening uh i have a show coming on hbo max august 27th it's called ravi patel's pursuit of happiness and basically every episode i travel around the world with someone in my life and we have like a big question and that's kind of the thing that takes us through some international destination. First of all, I came up with the idea because I just wanted to travel with you. You son of a bitch. I didn't want to be alone. I'm going to come up.

Ravi Patel's pursuit of happiness on Caribbean beaches, drinking, you know, fancy drinks and eating filet mignon. That's my idea for a show. Well, I was like, you know what,

man, I've been on so many canceled shows and i was like you know what like i'm gonna come up with a version of a show that like even when it gets canceled i'll still say it was the best thing ever right and and so that that was and also like you get it like you're a parent like i was like i don't want to spend so long away from my family so so it all kind of worked out but ended up being more fulfilling to me that way um but yeah we do an episode i do an episode in mexico in one of the like hottest retirement destinations and i took my parents there and that one we explored retirement and

aging um i went to japan which is like pretty notorious for doing everything amazing in their own yeah yeah and so we explored their parenting techniques, and I went there with my wife. And that's about parenting, but ultimately that's also about marriage. I went to Denmark, which is generally known as the happiest place in the world, except for how they treat their immigrants. So I went there with one of my buddies who was a former journalist for Vice. He's Muslim, and we kind of had a great conversation about immigrants, intersectionality, and race identity.

And then I did another episode with one of my buddies who is an entrepreneur like myself. And we both have issues with work-life balance which you already discussed so we went to seoul south korea which as a country has a real like work-life problem like people are not just workaholics but like suicide rates are really high right and they're having to like get involved in sushi so matt and i went there together um to have the conversations that you guys you and i were just having you know 15 minutes ago where was your favorite spot where'd you where'd you feel you got the most uh enlightened i guess um to be honest all four it's gonna sound really lame but like you know the way i went about picking which episodes to do is i kind of just picked the things that i was most actively actually dealing with in my life

i mean i wouldn't say i'm like neurotic or I mean, maybe I am a little neurotic, but like, you know, like I'm kind of actively in like a very optimistic form of an existential crisis. Like it's not a crisis. Like I'm very happy, but I love like kind of tackling these big questions. I'm a big therapy dude. So I was already kind of figuring out like, you know, like, you know, like when I became a dad, it, it really reframed how I looked at my own dad. It was like really first time that I truly understood, Oh, like you, you are obsessed with me and you should be obsessed. And cause I'm obsessed with my kid and it made me realize like,

I don't know, like how much I take out those relationships for granted. And yeah, I remember thinking like how much my parents were both at always at all my shit, all my sporting events and you know, they were involved in everything. And it's like,

that's, that's hard. You know, when people say like, it's a job of relationships or with your kids, like it's the hardest job in the world. It like it is. And you have to treat it like a job where it's like, you have to identify like a goal and work at it and make it happen the same way you would in an office space. You're doing it at home, but it really is something that you, like, I definitely took that for granted where I was like, Oh, you're, you were

working at me, you know, working hard on me. Yeah. Oh, and just the amount of time that, you know, they spent with us and the amount of time they spent. I mean, I've felt this as a dad where I'm just sitting there in her room with her in some random time in the night and it's complete silence. And all I'm doing is watching her. You can't do anything else really. And I'm thinking about her and her future and our future and I realized oh my parents did that with me for you know 41 my

parents have done that for 41 years and there's this unfortunate thing which I think is really it's very specific to western like American culture which is the older we get the more we spend apart like like physically, like we live in different places now. We often will live in different sides of the country. We don't really see each other as much. And I was just thinking, I was like, man, if I, if that's my future with my daughter, that would destroy me. And so, you know, like that,

that episode was like a great example of something where I'm like, I'm really at this point with my parents where I'm like reinvigorated and figuring out a way to, I'm also reminded like now that I'm at this age of my mortality and their mortality, we have limited time together. And so it's not just about gratefulness. It's also about like, I want to make the most of the time that we have together. So now we're talking about, by the way, moving back to the East coast. Like we're going to go on like this road trip, like go look at like Raleigh, Durham, like Chapel Hill, which I went to school in Chapel Hill. We're going to go look at Nashville. I think Nashville is probably the front runner.

Probably look at Asheville. To live or to move there? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Nashville's dope. Nashville's pretty tight. Yeah.

I hate, i hate this strip or i hate broadway now but like i i have friends in nashville who are kind of like oh we'll go to these random bars and nashville top off ravi just take it off babe oh bruh this convo's getting hot you know what it really is though i mean i like the show because it's like this is the kind of shit that you know gets me going like it's like this is the kind of shit that, you know, gets me going. Like these kind of questions and these kind of discussions are like, you know, that's what it's about. I mean, the pursuit of happiness is a great title. I mean, obviously, it's a very well-known phrase.

But, like, I mean, really at the end of the day, that's what it's about, right? That's what everybody's trying to do. So many people are basically failing at it, to be honest, because it's a hard thing to do. Balance work, balance life, balance fun, balance, you know. The you should have taken i'm sure this i'm sure you did this all i know you did this all before the last dance came out but you should have just shown the people of soul like dennis rodman and like this is what work-life balances this guy who's like what was the thing i was like when dennis rodman was off the clock he was off the clock you clock that dude is a model citizen yo we've interviewed him twice i forgot how hot

carmen electro was oh still still and you know what the thing the best thing about her is she still she looks are you allowed to talk about someone being hot is that even allowed yeah i mean i think carmen electro she's grandfathered into it. But the hottest thing about Carmen Electra is she, I don't know, let's say she's 45, whatever she is. She looks 45. But she's still hot. But she's just still really hot.

She's not trying to maintain she's a 21-year-old. Yeah, it's not like she looks like what she did. This is what I've always wondered about, like, people who stay in the game. Look, I'm 41. I have tons of friends, like dudes, you know, especially in L.A. and New York. You have tons of dudes who just won't retire from the single game. Right. You know what I mean?

They're like, I don't know, I'm just going to make a football. Steve DeBerg, you know? It's like they just keep – They don't know when to let go, though. They don't know when to let go. They just keep – I mean, T.O. is still trying to get back in the game. Yeah. I've always wondered, like, what – is she still –

She's single, man. I'm just looking at it now. The last guy she dated was Dave Navarro, broke up in 08. That's a signal that you're still playing and that you're still in your prime. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, what is she up to now? She's still, like, table servicing. Put her acting career on pause,

aka, like, no one's really giving you any gigs. She's probably just crushing it on social media and shit, you know what I mean? Like, you know, that's the beauty of, I guess the good thing and the bad thing about society because you're going to get people who probably should just go away at some point, never will because of social media,

but someone like Carmen Electra, who I want to see until the day she's gone, we can always see her now. You know what I mean? There's no hiding anymore. So she's doing charities and shit. She's great. Carmen, hit me up, girl. We're both single.

Let's go. I don't want to do an episode about this, by the way, at some point, because I think this idea of like like i'm not sure that marriage is supposed to last as long as we make it last i'm not sure that i'm sure you guys have talked about this before but we have kicked around the idea of uh opt-outs talk to me about an opt-out yeah like so so you start a relationship and uh you know you almost have like a contract where it says like you pick the date you know three years in five years in seven years in whatever where we can kind of evaluate like

uh you know it's like a mutual option we both have to exercise our option to stick in and if you don't want to yeah there's no hard feelings there can't be any and if we both opt in then we're both happy and and we're're both happy and we have another three years or whatever. I think that the idea of maybe some expiration dates could change relationships. You know what? I think that's very wise of you. There actually was an article in New York Times that got passed around a lot, like, I don't know, three or four years ago. It's exactly that, this couple that every year has a contract that they both renew and revisit.

And I bet you it's like the Hall Pass. You ever see that silly movie, The Hall Pass, where if you give – Great movie. Yeah, but the notion of the Hall Pass is ridiculous. Owen Wilson. Who else is in that? Ed Helms, right? I want to say Sudeikis.

Is he in that? Sudeikis. But none of them use the Hall Pass. Their wives are like, yeah, go ahead. We'll let you. And they're like, no, you know what? I love you. I don't want to sleep around with anybody else.

I think the same thing would be like, you can opt out of this relationship. And I bet just having that freedom where you don't feel trapped and shit, I bet you you'd stay and be happy and it would be like the best relationship ever. Would you guys use – if you guys were in a marriage right now, would you use the hall pass? No. That's a trick. I'll i'll never it is a trap yeah like 100 would use the hall pass now but you know that it's not really a pass you know that you're gonna get shit no no i agree with you because we look we've discussed the concept of i think every relationship starts the same way which is the man and which is the man and the woman talking about all these other things they can do.

They're a relationship. And then, you know, you're a year into the marriage and all of a sudden you're the only one who wants to do those things. I get that. I get that. But if there was an actual, like if there's a lie detector test and my wife was like, I seriously will not care. Right.

Because I know that I could go do that thing and I would come back and be the same. I seriously will not care. Right. You, you, cause, cause, cause the, I know that I could go do that thing and I would come back and be the same. Like I wouldn't, it wouldn't. The only reason I'm against doing it is because my wife is my best friend and I, I don't, I, yeah,

I don't screw over my best friend. I'm just loyal. Right. It's not because I think, uh, sex with another person is like a bad thing. It's not inherently a bad thing. What's that? It's like it's not an inherently bad thing. It's because of – I think you were about to just say you're kind of trapped inside of this idea of monogamy.

It's like we made it into this thing that I don't think it's, it like puts too much pressure on people in a way that I think if you came up with some ridiculous rules to get around it, I think people would be a lot happier. But listen, I have tons of friends in LA and New York who have come up, tried to, who have experimented with different business models. Obviously, first of all, a lot of people cheat. And then on top of that, there's a lot of people who are trying, especially lately. I think there's been a real explosion in the last five years. Or maybe it's just me just knowing about it for the first time. But people are trying this open relationship thing.

I've not heard of it going well once. I know one girl. She calls my radio show frequently. She's a male woman. And her and her husband go to swingers parties all the time. And they just, like, fuck a bunch of people. And they are the happiest couple I know. It's crazy. They're, like, every time she's like, yeah, it's the best.

It's, like, we're just as happy as can be. But they're on the same page. That's why. And he's cool. Like, he, like, watches her, and he dabbles, and they have certain rules, and they're happy the same page. That's why. And he's cool. He watches her and he dabbles and they have certain rules and they're happy. Think about it. Think about your best dude friends. Okay?

Like if you're really – like my relationships with my guy friends, I don't want to say they're deeper than my relationship with my wife. But they have gone – my best friends I've been friends with since I was like middle school, high school, my best, best friends. Right. So we're deeply in love as love as you can be me and these dudes. And by the way, I don't know about y'all. We tell each other, we love each other. I was going to say, do you tell them? Oh, I mean, obviously it happens more when we're, when we're fucked up. Like we, we you know we i think the older you get the more you're like oh we're so lucky that we have each other you know we love but i you know if i went to there's not a situation that i wouldn't be in with my best dude friends and

the one you just described being one of them where i wouldn't be just cheering him on. Right. You know, I will say I do, I do. I do on rare occasions, get jealous when I found out they're hanging out with other dudes behind my back. Like, yes, maybe that does.

But for the most part, I'm at, I don't know. I think actually that last part made the whole thing fall apart. It's like, yeah, no, I love it though, man. This is the, this is the stuff I'm not into the open relationship. I totally got it.

I love it, though, man. This is the stuff I hope we can see more of with the pursuit of happiness because these are the kind of questions. It's like a podcast. It's like what you're doing is very podcast-esque where you're exploring weird concepts and different cultures and conversations and shit. So I hope to see a lot more of it. You seem like it's a good fit for who you shit. So, uh, I hope to see a lot more of it. It's, it's,

uh, you seem like the, uh, it's a good fit for like who you are. Uh, thanks dude. I appreciate, I really appreciate you saying that,

man. And, uh, I appreciate all helping me get the word out. You got it, man. I've never wanted something to work. Yeah,

I hear you. I get it. So we'll, we'll do our part and try to get it out there. Cause I want to see you succeed as well. It's Ravi Patel's, uh, pursuit of happiness is on HBO max comes Comes out August 27th, right?

That's right. That's right. All right, man. So everybody go watch it and make sure you tell your dudes that you love them and make sure you work on things with your wife. And I think also neglect your kids was the message. And pursue an open relationship. Work less. Work less. Work less. Nap.

Get fucked up, I think was in there. Drink beer in the morning. Right. We had a lot going on. We touched them all. We touched them all, dude. Thanks a lot, bro. Thank you so much.

We really appreciate it, dude. Have a good one. Love you guys. Love you too, bud. Love you too, brother. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life of you.

It's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. Outro Music Yeah. Yeah.