KFC Radio - Are You Garbage Meets Rat King Marty Mush

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a review! Kevin Ryan and H Foley join us for the duration of the show. We confess new realizations into the garbage people we are and introduce them to the beautiful mind of Marty Mush. For AITA Thursday, we have a promise of a blowjob, spitting in food, and more. Voicemails include losing your feet of not being able to detect age, ugly/hot commercial, and more. Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @KevinRyanComedy @HFoleyOnIce But the Are You Garbage Card Game here: https://areyougarbage.bigcartel.com/product/are-you-garbage-card-game Subscribe to their patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Subscribe on youtube barstool.link/KFCRADIOYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Ladies and gentlemen, the homies introduce to you the greatest show of the night! Um... Marty, what was the name of the grocery store your mom went to growing up? Meat Farms. This guy's trash. Yeah, Meat Farms.

Are you ready for the meat farm? What was the name of the grocery store your mom went to growing up? Meat Farms. This guy's trash. Meat Farms. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We got a fucking unbelievable episode for you today. We just wrapped it up. We're recording a little intro here because we had the RU Garbage guys come through and Marty Mush popped on. And rather than just do like our usual shit where, you know, we just recorded it all in one shot to keep the flow going and god damn is that fucking funny they're they're funny crew they really are and i think of it as like

you know at this point like we're we're we're you know we're the og podcasters and i i think of when like um comics tell stories of like and then like the old days of the cellar where like the lineup was like you know chris rock followed by by Chappelle followed by and like boy. And I think like sometimes when you get the right crew on a podcast like this and it's two hours of just straight up hilarity. I'm like, man, I, you know, that what we just did was special. Like that was fucking funny, dude, because those guys are just the chemistry they have and the routine they run on people. It's like it's like LeBron and Wade throwing each other alley-oops. It's unbelievable stuff.

And then you throw Marty in the mix. I love watching Marty do that. Marty's intro is 10 out of 10. Amazing. And Foley's reaction was one, you know, they play the are you garbage game with him to determine if Marty Mush is garbage or not. Or as I said, just how garbage Mush is because we know the answer there.

When Foley was just like, all right. It was unbelievable. So we'll get into it here. Are you garbage? If you're not familiar with them, it's Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. It's brought to you by Manscaped. You got Bush? You'd be garbage if you do.

Yeah, I mean, really. At this point, you got to keep your shit clean. You got do yeah i mean really at this point you gotta keep your shit clean you gotta you gotta uh you gotta i could i could use a trim right now yeah yeah i could trim it up i i sometimes i forget sometimes i forget a little bit you know it's like it's like you remember in the shower and he's like yes like oh i wonder what i just hit like i'm just gonna like, what was that? Oh, that's my fucking penis.

The worst, too, is then once you're all wet, you can't really use the clipper. Yeah, right. So it's like, well, we're not doing tomorrow. We're done today. Exactly. I haven't used fucking soap in three showers because I keep forgetting to put it in after the shower. And so I'll fucking because I don't want to get out of the shower soaking wet.

Yeah. So I'm like, I'll just get it next time. Three showers now. So you just rub it. Do you even rub or anything? after the shower and then so i'll fucking because i don't want to get out of shower soaking wet yeah so i'm like i'll just get it next time three showers now so you're just rubbing do you even rub or anything i do like a little soap oil shampoo on me okay so you're still doing some yeah i'm doing a little cleansing i thought you had water i got fucking i got stuff i'm putting on my body i don't even know what it is because there's so much john's putting like lotion bro like a loofah is all of it place. I'm just fucking grabbing fucking coffee beans putting on a loofah and just scrubbing myself. Those are two things I actually did

this morning. Just so we know. Coffee beans on a loofah. It's like a coffee scrub or something like that. I'm like, this will fucking do it. I don't know. John's got some Tylex and he's supposed to be cleaning the shower instead he's cleaning himself of it. You should see our two shelves. We got two different shelves separated. Yeah, I'm sure. Mine, fleishman shampoo,

fleishman conditioner, bar of soap. That's the whole thing. A hundred items. Yo, there are fucking medieval torture things on that. It's just this fucking black thing full of spikes. I'm like, what does that do? It promotes hair growth or something. It sounds like you're just ripping hair out of your head

and it's got to replace itself. It's a whole fucking thing. I like the girl My shower is that. I like the girl's shower, though. I used to love when you got close enough with a girl, you'd be taking showers at her place. And they got the body washes and the scented this and the loop of that and the exfoliating. And you use the shampoo that's all tingly and nice. I was like, this is much better than my nine and one shampoo, conditioner a face wash like uh drano you know what i mean it's all i mean that that's that's living the dream man that

i got on that oil of ole body what do they call it body did you just stop it no this is awesome this is cool it's like artistic but this is what i gotta do i'm gonna have to dig these out of here i'm gonna have to shave it down if you you're watching on the YouTube, John is just a child. If you're ever hearing, like, noises that bother you in your headphones or whatever, it's because John is just fucking around. Anyway, if you got bush, you got to trim it off, okay? And that's where Manscaped comes in. They've got the Lawn Mower 3.0, which is waterproof, so you can use it in the shower.

But I feel like you got to have your shit dry if you're really zipping it. Yeah, you've got to have it fluffed. You probably could condition it first. Yeah, maybe blow dry it, fluff it out, and then trim it. And then on top of it, they've got the Advanced Skin Safe Ball Deodorant and Crop Preserver. special boxers that you can wear that promote moisture wicking and keep you dry and sweat-free and smell-free while you're smooth after you get your trim on. Go to manscaped.com, promo code KFC. Get 20% off with free shipping when you go to manscaped,

with a D at the end,.com, promo code KFC. No bush. If it's 21 and you still got Bush, that's a problem. Manscaped dot com promo code KFC for my idiotic co-host over here. Let's get into it. Are you garbage with Marty mush? All right, let's go.

We got the, are you garbage boys? Can't be in a folio back, uh, in person in the flesh, which is great. I, I,

this is, uh, I just, I did a funk master flex. I did an interview. I saw that. Yeah. Uh, in person though, it was weird. I was like, this is uh i just i did uh funk bastard flex i did an interview i saw that yeah uh in person though it was weird i was like this is a little bit strange i gotta like get my my my my sea legs back if you will like interview people in person yeah it's way better in person it is you get the rhythm the timing but it's also like uh it's just an adjustment to get

back into it because when you're behind the computer it's like no big deal yeah you're just yelling at your screen you can't hit me that's what vital burns dude if this ends in blows you're behind the computer, it's like no big deal. Yeah, you're just yelling at your screen. You can't hit me. That's what Fidelberg is about. Dude, if this ends in blows, you're not going to get me. What do you think about this asshole's glasses? Yeah. It's a lot. I mean, they're relatively on brand for you.

So it's like it makes – if I walked in and you were wearing them, I'd have to be like, do we have to have an intervention? Absolutely. Like he walked up. I'm like, love the shades. Which is weird because like that's all just just because you know who we are and perception and shit. It's not like we look all that different. But if I had it on, you had it on, you're cool.

My thing is strong. We haven't known each other that long. It's been about a year, right? Give or take. I already know you dress like a dickhead. You look like you steal art or something. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Feidelberg. Down's even worse. Down's worse.

Down's worse. You look like the guy from CSI. Oh, yeah, that asshole. Oh, Horatio Cain? Yes. Yeah, I know his name. You also look like the bad guy from Sonic the Hedgehog. Wait, it's not Horatio Cain.

Oh, yeah, very much yeah doctor what was it i did a thing like a slow-mo video the other day someone asked me just came over my desk was like can you blow a raspberry in slow motion and i was like oh we're not in slow motion they was filming slow-mo and i did it and then people were playing everyone with dr robotnik like laughing because as my lips are going like It looks like a cartoon laughing. That's really where I want to go. My goal in life is to just become a human cartoon. I'm a live

action movie of a douchebag cartoon. I like it. He leans into that a little bit. You're getting very cartoonish. It works for a fat guy. Bright colors, weird patterns. I couldn't pull this shirt off.

Another 150, I could do it. I've actually thought there have been times where I've thought for my career, it would have been better if I just went full fat. I'm the skinny fat guy. It was Dave, me, and Dan for a while. Dan was bigger, larger than life with the mustache. He was the funny fat guy.

I was just the skinny fat guy. So I'm not. You're not fat. You're in shape, guy. I'm skinny fat. No, don't say that. I swear to God, I would rather be fat than look like me. Then what am I, fucking Pluto?

What the fuck? But you just are a bigger guy. I look okay with clothes, and then I take my shirt off, and it's like, oh, yikes. It's almost a surprise. People know what you're getting into when you're a bigger guy. Sure. Everything's out on the table with him.

I take the shirt off, and it's just, like, lumpy and, you know, handily. Kevin's, like, one of those things that are, like, it's like a – Okay, you know what? Never, never. That's all right. Kevin's like a – like a – what do you call it? Like a – like the cinnamon rolls where, like, it's very tautly wrapped, and then once you get it a little, it pops open.

Oh yeah, the Pillsbury? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm like? I'm like when you tie the filet mignon with the rope. You know what I mean? And you snip it and it just kind of unravels, you know? When you take Kevin's shirt off, it makes a pop. Yeah, it sounds like a gunshot.

It's the Pillsbury can. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. I thought you meant the actual roll. No, no, no. The can. That was like fireworks when you were a, okay. I thought you meant the actual roll. No, no, no. The can. That was like fireworks when you were a kid. Would you pop one of those fucking things?

I'm still horrible. Dude, all the kids came out into the kitchen for that. It was like, yo, mom, when are you going to open up the Pillsbury? Yeah, pop that shit. I have a garbaggio story. I'm sure you do because you're trash. We saw you eating a spoonful of peanut butter last night, so I don't know where this is going to go. They got a problem with me eating spoonfuls of peanut butter

No I'm on board with it You are weird with it Little chocolate chips or something You went right in just fucking peanut butter I'll do that for dinner I'll have like six scoops I can't I'm on board

You don't do spoonfuls of peanut butter I like peanut butter and chocolate I had a friend one time Can't take you seriously You don't do spoonfuls of peanut butter? Nah, I don't like peanut butter like that. I like peanut butter and chocolate, but I'm not... I had a friend one time who was like... Can't take you seriously. You look like you'd kill Avengers. Either that or he's like a cartographer. Are those prescriptions?

What? No, I literally opened one. The one is a look. This is... That's a movement watch. MVMT.com slash KFC. That's right. The one is a look. This is. Shout out to Movement Watchers. MVMT.com slash KFC. Yeah, that's right. The.

That's real weird. I had a friend who would. She would dip a spoon into peanut butter and get a huge glob. And then dip it in the chocolate chips. She would dip that into a bag of peanut popcorn. And then she would make like lollipops. And that's okay, but I can't do. That's not a bad idea. It was. Yeah, it's got a little. Because the straight peanut make like lollipops. And that's okay, but I can't do... That's not a bad idea. It was...

Yeah, it's got a little... Because the straight peanut butter has... It needs something. It does. It's just... It's like... That's how they fucking got Mr. Ed to look like he was fucking talking. Yeah, I know.

Put your head just here. That's what I do with him on the podcast sometimes. When his sugar gets low, I just throw some fucking... Some jiff in there. Well, I was also told... I'm looking at the replies last... Somebody said... I put up the... So, for replies last, somebody said, I put up the, so for people who don't know, I put up, I couldn't sleep last night, so like 3 a.m.,

I open up a fresh jar of Skippy. That fresh one, it's like. Dude, the seal on that thing. It's like fucking, it's like a brand new car. It's great. And I scooped that. I compared it to when you get your driveway paved, then you got fresh pavement to roll the boat up.

Which was a perfect analogy, by the way. Or when the ice gets zamboni, you know, just smooth. So I scoop it out and I eat it. And then I get people saying that's some white people shit. Like, is peanut butter white people shit? And I guess it's garbage now. I don't know. I thought peanut butter was totally.

I mean, well, it's something I fucking do to eating anything out of the jar is not classic. Right. It leans garbage. I'm on board with it. I like it. I do it. But it's, you know, was there an open container also in the house? No, it was fresh because I ate the last one.

So there wasn't one somewhere else. And you skipped that one and went right to the fresh one. Oh, I just happen to not, but I will do that no problem. No questions asked. Yeah, that's pretty true. I do that. Yeah, yeah. I do that very often.

You're opening two peanut butters. What the fuck? Oh, 99. This is very rare that I will fully finish a jar and open a new one. I happen to do that. I've got two going at all times. Really? Almost always.

That's chaos. Do you have like a fucking creamy and a peanut? No, it's just like, I don't know. It's just like I'll have one in the kitchen and then I buy a new one. I open that one. I don't know. Are you fucking Ted Lasso? Ted Lasso leaves one on the table.

Yeah, just grab a finger. Just grab a finger full. And you know what? If it was chunky, it would have been a little bit classier. Because at least the chunky has got a little bit of peanuts in there. I reject that notion. Yes, thank you. Feidelberg has the floor. You gentlemen will excuse me.

That adding a texture to beverages or foods makes it like I think people widely regard pulp as like a classier orange juice. No, rejected. No, I think people widely regard pulp as like a classy orange juice. Yeah. Rejected. No, I don't stand for it. What about boba tea?

You drink that with the little things in the bottom? Excuse me? Tapioca? What's it called? Bubble tea. Bubble tea? Did you say boba teen? I thought it was called bubble.

I've never heard of bubble tea. Sounds like a fucking medicine. I've never heard of bubble tea. I feel like I'm stroking out. I don't know any of the words he's saying. Boba teen tapioca? Yeah, exactly. Sounds like an old-fashioned wrestler.

You guys get a couple of hours of fucking patrons. We're talking about bubble tea tapioca? Oh, buddy, we're new money. For sure. I don't know any of these things. I just bought a 2021 Kia. I used it, but still. It's like Tracy Morgan and fucking 30 Rock joking about how you eat lobster in St. Barts.

What are you guys talking about over here? I'm currently renting two spider monkeys in my apartment. I mean, I could gun to my head if you asked me what boba tea and tapioca is. I have no idea. Bubble tea. He said bubble tea. I thought it was called bubble tea. I don't even know what that is.

They sell it at the corner. It's an Asian drink. Fellas, back me up. That's why I don't know it. It is boba. And it has little tapioca balls in it. So when you drink the tea You suck in a little tapioca ball

It sounds awful It gives a little more texture It's not like It's a pudding I would think that Like in the peanut butter world Like smooth and creamy is classy Not like this chunky

We leave the peanuts in It's like lumpy mashed potatoes Chunky gives you a little more Do you like lumpy mashed potatoes? Sometimes Yeah I like chunks in my back Yeah Homestyle it's called

Yeah I like little skin in it. Yeah, a little skin's not bad. I don't mind a skin. I'm not an asshole. But a chunk? But like, yeah, you just didn't do a good job whipping them? No. Somebody posted the other day, I can't remember who it was.

I think it was somebody famous about Goobers, the peanut butter and jelly mixed together. Yeah. That was one of our original questions. Yeah, that actually happened. Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Miro was talking about that. He said that he eats it straight up and that it was one of the most polarizing

tweets he ever had. Some people hate it. Some people swear by it. Bottom of the barrel, dirt bag shit. Is it above or below green ketchup? It's not even the same category. That's a classy operation. Remember when you were a kid? That was like spotting Michael Jackson in the grocery store when That's a classy operation. Remember when you were a kid? That was like spotting Michael Jackson

in the grocery store when you were a little kid. We never got that. It was always more expensive. That's a great idea in theory. On paper, I can get behind it. Let's give it a whirl. But it just doesn't. The texture is not right. That would make more sense than straight peanut butter. I'm sorry.

To eat that with a spoon. Now, if you had a celery stick, a couple ants on a log now you're living. Now you're talking fucking language over there. A spoonful of peanut butter by the way is the perfect like there is some protein and some substance to it. You're in between meals

or you need a snack on the go or something. You gotta have some milk on deck too though. So I ate about two scoops of that and then I just chugged from the milk right from the carton. Really? Like the plastic jug? Yeah. The gallon jug. That sounds like something that I would do now, because

lately I've run into an issue, I was actually talking about it this morning, where I started smoking a lot before bed, just because I can't sleep anymore. Smoking weed or smoking cigarettes? Smoking weed. By the looks of the glasses, it's cracked. I just smoking a lot before bed just because I can't sleep anymore. Smoking weed or smoking cigarettes? Smoking weed. By the looks of the glasses, it's crack. I just rip a couple fucking Marlboro Reds out the window. Hit the menthols before I go to sleep.

I like Claire Underwood. I have a glass of wine and a couple fucking Reds. He's already under the covers. At your bedside smoking in bed. That's real garbage. You must be a force when you're high with the munchies, man. But I fall asleep right away And then I wake up And I guess I sleepwalk

And I wake up with just like Chips in my bed I was saying this on the podcast The other day Where I'll fall asleep On like peanut butter cups And I'll wake up And those will be melted

In my bed It's like a nine year old's dream To wake up covered in chocolate I woke up this morning He's got pockets On the side of his bed I got pockets I stuff those with candy before I go to bed.

The sheets have pockets. So it's like dip, tin, some peanut butter cups, and like a fucking, you know. And a wee pen. And I'll do a handful of frozen Sour Patch Kids in there, too. You're like a 40-year-old, 8-year-old. It's insane. You are a fucking unicorn, man. My life is amazing.

I just go home, I watch TV, and eat candy. Everybody wants to be you. I made a promise when I was a kid that I was never going to grow up. I was never going to grow up. And I was going to play with my G.I. Joes, and my parents were never going to get to kick me out of my house. I was going to live in my fucking tree house, and that's what I was going to do.

And the kicking out of the house happened. Everything else I've held true to. You just pay rent for a treehouse. Yeah, you got a nicer treehouse at this point. But, like, this morning I woke up with a fucking, like, not just a bag. I had the chips had fallen out. So I woke up in bed with jalapeno kettle-cooked chips, and they were everywhere, crumbled and crumbled.

Kettle-cooked's a classy chip, though, I'll give you that. Very classy. You're going to sleep in a classy chip though. I'll give you that. You're going to sleep in a potato chip. It's got to be kettle cook. And the jalapenos are fucking A class. What was it? Deep River? What was the brand? Yeah, I think it's Deep River.

It's like a green and the lighter green. That's the real deal. Don't fall for house. What's the other one? No, what's the other one though? I like the sea salt and cracked pepper from... Oh, wow. It's the same brand.

No. Cape Cod? You're talking about Cape Cod? That's the original. Salt and cracked pepper. Oh, but those will tear your mouth up real good. They fuck you up real bad. He's like eating glass.

And then I had a bunch of Sour Patch Kids and a bunch of whatever. And I was like, when did I fucking do any of this? My girlfriend was like, you were making so much noise in the kitchen last night. Got the blender going and shit. No recollection of any of it. There's a girlfriend involved in this? I get yelled at if I leave the TV on. If I woke up with a bag of Fritos next to me.

We met her at his apartment. Yeah, he's been to the house. And where do you get the fucking sheets with the pockets on the side? Oh, I don't know. I'll get to the bottom of it. No, he doesn't need food in bed. We're trying to get him to lose weight. Dirtbags.com.

We don't need him eating and sleeping at the same time. So my real garbage move, though, and this is something we did a long time ago, and it came back to me. So the Pillsbury. Sure. My mom, this is not, we're not even talking about the crescent rolls, we're talking about the dinner rolls. Sure.

Not grands, but the smaller size, just the round rolls. We just pop those in the microwave. Oh! What? Dude, no way. Is that even like, I was going to say legal, but is that even, is that like, that's not We just pop those in the microwave. Oh! What? Dude, no way. Is that even, like, I was going to say legal, but is that even, is that, like, that's not an option, is it? Don't take your kids to that in Alabama. It can't be an option.

Put them in the microwave for, like, I don't even remember how many seconds, but you got to eat them so fast because they harden up. Like, when they hit the air, it's so hard. What is it, like, a food version of a good egg. I got your bomb of a Irish car. Yeah. Yeah. Get a car. Get a car.

Yeah. I don't want to be on the clock and Thanksgiving. I'm trying to fucking relax. You take them out. You have to pull them off the paper plate because paper plates still garbage. They're like stuck to the paper. You put like a quick little rub of butter on them and you got to eat them. We call them soft rolls.

So I hadn't had. I call it Garbon. Soft rolls for 10 fucking seconds. I hadn't done this in in 30 years i was only having like a little kid so the other day i made them i just threw these were the crescent rolls so because usually at least they were around the crescent rolls it's like all over the place you got a little work on them you gotta twist them up yeah yeah yeah so but but i just and then on top of it i just got a little curious and I just straight ate the shit raw. What?

Yeah. How was it? Pretty good. It saves you a minute in the microwave. Fucking let's go. Direct to sender. Amazon is big. I mean, I'm sure everyone can get on board with licking the brownie batter.

Did you do that as a kid? Yeah. I mean, this is America. What the fuck? So when I did that as a kid, my mom would give us the bowl after she poured it in the pan. That was the best thing about being a kid. And there's like, but there was just like little streaks left. If you've ever made brownies as an adult, I was like, well, I'm just going to eat as much of the batter as I want.

Sure. So I was just eating it like a fucking bowl, you know? Just straight salmonella, baby, you know? What's the ruling on that? Because my mom was always like, ah, well, it's fine. I'm like, well, there is eggs in it, and I'm eating it. Salmonella is a fucking myth. It's an old wives tale.

It really is, man. E. coli is very real. I never met anybody with it. I've eaten the- Didn't you have E. coli? I've had E. coli. Yeah, remember you got it only Christmas or something. E. coli I can vouch for real.

Everything checks out on that. You told him how to eat it. No, the best of that was the- So I go to the doctors, and they're like, you know, have you had, they're like, clearly you have E. coli. Like, we're just, just like, we'll look you up and down once. Just based on the diagnosis. That's E. coli.

And they're like, have you eaten any raw meats or anything like that? Have you been to the Nile River any time recently? And I just go, and I'm like. Are you a treasure hunter by any chance, sir? I'm in fifth grade and I think I'm going to get in trouble for eating raw meat. And I'm like, no, a treasure hunter by any chance, sir? I'm in fifth grade. I think I'm going to get in trouble for eating raw meat. I'm like, no, no, no, I haven't. And my mom's sitting in the corner.

Yeah, yes. And I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? And she's like, I was cooking a meat the other day. And I think it just it was bad. It was bad meat for sure. She just whipped it up anyway. American chop suey just threw it in.

Oh, you told us this. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't care. Plus American chop suey, whatever the fuck it in. Oh, you told us this. Yeah. Yeah, she didn't care. Plus American Chop Suey, whatever the fuck that is. Oh, American Chop Suey is good stuff. I don't know what that means. It's a New England dish.

Gave you a coli. Yeah. You want to clean yourself up. You ruined your Christmas and arguably your life mentally after that. How many of you ever bounce back from that? No, American Chop Suey is like it's, I mean, it's basically just like fucking pasta and hamburger meat. You are a strange kid.

You really are, man. I'm going to see exactly what it is. As you guys have gotten new money, like we were saying, you're up to like 1,500 patrons. We're talking like 10K a month rolling in. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You got the fucking IRS? Who do you work for? What the fuck, this guy?

No, yeah, we're doing well. I'm on a fixed income here. This guy's collecting a check every month. I work for the city. We're getting there. We're doing well. When I started at Barstool, I was still an accountant, and then I was transitioning out.

So I had this whole shtick of the cube monkeys working in corporate world. I could relate to that. I knew a lot of the Cube Monkeys working in corporate world. I could relate to that. I knew a lot of the stories because I was living that life. As you leave the garbage life behind, should you really be the garbaggio guys? Well, it really – the money – this is what we found out. Money doesn't – money only emphasizes the garbage. Right. It's like people that win the lottery, they're not like investing.

Yes, exactly. It just emphasizes what you really are. Hence, like I grew up, we had some money in the 90s. And then it was like money would come and go kind of. Yeah. So we had some money. You're a gambler? What?

I had a good night at the table. Just really bad at business. So like money would come and go. And we would like, it just showed you we didn't know how to fucking spend it. You know what I mean? Like my dad would be like, Oh, I got a,

I got the brand new, you know, Lincoln navigator. And then like three weeks later, they repossessed it. It's like, Oh, you're just,

this just highlights how garbage we really are. Tim Dillon did an episode, many episodes. We talked just about how, you know, the Irish just don't, we don't have the ability. They're dirty,

dirty people. It just burns a hole in our pocket. You know, he was talking about how his father would be giving away steak dinners to people like, you know, like he was, you know, Rockefeller. Sure. Dad, we don't have the ability to keep money. They're dirty, dirty people. It just burns a hole in our pocket. He was talking about how his father would be giving away steak dinners to people like he was Rockefeller. And he's like, Dad, we don't have the money. If I have $500 literally in my account, I'm rich for the night. You're going to end the night with not $500. And then wake up the next morning and feel guilty about what I did and this, that, and the other thing.

The money's really going to open up more worlds to the garbage, like Kevin said, like Kevin's saying. Like, I'll be able to paint my masterpiece really soon. Yeah, I mean, he's not going to start wearing, like... Instead of doing laundry, I'm just starting to buy new clothes. Oh, you're going all Irish with it. Oh, yeah. The brand-new shirts.

I got 10 brand-new shirts. Mariah Carey never wore something twice. In order to get him to come to record an episode, I have to give him a new pair of Air Forces every time. It's in his contract. No, but so wait. So you're saying – I cut you off there. Your father was making the money. Yeah, we were doing all right, and then it would just come and go.

And then just bad purchases and never – it just really showed – So you're yo-yoing between garbage and money. Yeah, it was like I walked in both worlds like i went to school with all these kids like at times i went to school with all these kids it was like my neighborhood my neighbor my area was like new money it was like doctors and lawyers and then like people who own like plumbing contracting companies like us like so like all my friends all their parents were like dirt balls that owned uh construction companies right and like we didn't really fraternize with the doctors and the lawyers. It was just two different worlds. So that's what I'm used to.

We still go on vacation and 30 of us stay in a house because it's cheaper that way. Let me ask you this. Since, as Irish, we don't really understand a lot of this stuff. What do you need to have, let's say, in your bank accounts to go to bed at night comfortably where you

would be panicked? If you had zero in your say, in your bank accounts to go to bed at night comfortably where you would be panicked? If you had zero in your savings, would you be able to sleep at night? Oh, yeah. No. I mean, right now, I am doing so much worse now with money than I was when I was mid-20s just because

I was honestly making more money, but I had to sway more bills. So now, I mean, I don't go to bed at night. I just panic about money all day. And the number of dollars is higher, but the number of money coming out, you know. When I was, like, 20, I was 25. I was working as an accountant, and Barstool was giving me under-the-table money. I mean, I was, like, I was Rockefeller.

It was amazing. Talking a little bit of cash. A lot more money, but two kids. Yeah, price of poker goes up. Yeah. I used to be playing 510, and now I'm playing 5,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my bills have gone up at a much faster rate than the salary.

Of course. But that's also my own fault. Yeah, well, you don't have marriage. You just got engaged. I'm married. You're married. I've been married a year. Mistake.

No, she's got money. She paid for the studio. Oh! I see what you are thinking. We got married up. We got some international funds, you know what I mean? Some European investors. That's what he likes because she's from Germany.

He's like, we got a European investor. I'm like, meanwhile, she could pull the fucking card and we're screwed. That's amazing. I think I could go to bed with $50. Yeah. Listen, we're both in debt. I don't have bills. I don't have a bill.

That's the real difference. I don't pay a bill. That's it. I don't have bills. That's the real difference. Garbage can go to bed. Like, I can go to bed with negative $200 in my checking account, knowing a couple of bills are going to hit the next day.

I got six parking tickets. I'd sleep like a baby. Like a fucking account. Knowing a couple of bills are going to hit the next day. I got six parking tickets. I'd sleep like a baby. Like a fucking baby. Like a baby. And I think that's because I was born into it like Bane. I was born into the garbage. Dude, I used to, when we were early Barstool days, I would get paid $400 a month. And I would fucking use that debit card until it got to $1 left.

Then I'd go to an ATM, withdraw $200 because I'd still hit $200. I've done that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the fucking move. Great move. Right? You would strategically overdraw. So if you're going to overdraft, you can't get hit four different times because you're getting hit for the $27 or $32, whatever your banking institution charges you.

A bullet's a bullet. Take that one. It's a big one. So I would take out $400 and be like, well, I'm at least good until my next direct deposit. Right. So I'd be like, this $400 will get me to the wood. I'm going to go with $400. $400 at $32?

I'll take that all day long. What's the move you did one night off the wagon or something like that in the village where you had your debit card and they were running a tab and then you ran across the street and took money out or something like that? Yeah, it was that same situation. It was I knew I was going to overdraw, so were running a tab and then you ran across the street and took money out or something like that yeah it was that same situation it was i knew i was going to overdraw so i had a tab open let's say like i had let's say i had a hundred or like it was less like i had 20 bucks on my uh in my account i opened up a tab knowingly they don't swipe it until the end so i'm like this 20 if i spend a hundred on them. Yeah. I'm like, it's not going to process until I close out the tab.

So what I did, I was like, hey, man, I got to run across. I'm going to pay. So I ran across, and I did that. Oh, I withdrew like $400, only having $20, then went and paid cash. So the bar tab didn't overdraft me. I at least got $400 cash. And I'm like, I'm going to overdraft. You're going to strategically overdraft.

Yeah. Let me at least get cash in here. You got a I'm going to overdraft you. You're going to strategically overdraft me. Let me at least get cash in here. You had a little walking around money. You had a prepaid car or something. Back in the day when the American Expresses came out, it was like 50 bucks on the American Express. People didn't really catch on yet that it wasn't a real American Express. I'd go in there with a dollar on that.

I wouldn't fucking start living like a Rockefeller and be like, give me like the fucking tough stuff. You gotta fly under the radar a little bit. I'm still fucking just drinking regular, but then I just split. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just get out of there. And I've spent my fucking life since then making it up to the service industry, so I apologize. I fucking give big fat fucking

tips now, but those two got boned a little bit. Yeah, so they would just take an American Express thinking like, alright, I'll run this at the end of the night, not realizing that it's a prepaid car. It's a prepaid car with like two bucks left. And then they'd be like, where's that fuck? Oh, he's gone. There's nothing more classy, more sophisticated, more stylish in the eyes of somebody who's trashed than an American Express car.

Let me tell you something. I used to work at a law firm. My day job was I worked at a law firm in Midtown. And they would get, they spent so much money. It was like a huge, like, I mean, do they charge like $1,800 an hour? They represented international billionaires were their only client. It was bananas. What the fuck are they doing hiring you? Exactly.

I don't know how I got the job, but I kept it for sure. Dude, I got sold in the world. I was on the phone with Tokyo. I'm like, I need a million in the account stat. Hang up. And at one point, I'm like, who the fuck am I? Meanwhile, I'm overdrafting my bank you know my bank account um but they uh that's how that was our christmas bonuses they would give us because for every like you know thousand dollars they spent with american express corporate card they got a

50 gift card or whatever isn't that trash you don't you think that's so they hit my thing, my holiday bonus every year was like $20, $50 gift cards or whatever. Or like $10, $50. They're giving me a big envelope of all $50 cards. I'm like, well, you guys, this isn't really even your money. You're just giving me free money, but I'll take it. You've got to spread a meal for yourself over several cards. That's pretty fucking trash. But, dude, if I wasn't here.

You've got three ways, sir. You're just sitting at the table alone. Can you put one jalapeno popper on this card? And one jalapeno popper on this card? There's 953 on this one. I think this one's full. That's trash. Dude, for those two weeks after I got that, I was living like a king.

Taxis. I was just fucking swiping a new card every time. Obviously, the goal in life is to get rich and have tons of money, but I love scheming and scamming. Ain't nothing better, baby. We used to take a cab back from the city all the way back to Fordham, and we'd always have to trick them because they don't want to go all the way back to the Bronx. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We used to try to go. I'd have to get back to Pelham, and I would tell them Pel You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we used to try to go. I didn't think back to Pelham. And I would tell them Pelham Bay because that's closer. A little Vegas. Keep going. Keep going. A couple blocks more. It's like 20 miles out of town.

Right. But I'd get them to go to the Bronx. And then I'd have them pull into this gas station where you could run through like the quickie bar. There was a back door. And then right onto campus. And like, you know, it was just a scumbag move to fuck over the night but it was a a 50 cab back in the city and we're shit-faced and we don't have any money and then we like one two three run and we're running we're

scheming the guys yelling at us and trying to chase us down and we get onto campus and we're in the wind and i just like that's awesome yeah i just love stupid drunk dirtball yeah i tried to do that once and it was kind of a misunderstanding. Yeah, dude, it was bad. It was it wasn't that long ago. It was like a couple of years ago, but I could have. Oh, no, it was like less than a year ago. I know this story and it was bad.

It was Thursday night. Change some dates and names. Protect the innocent and the guilty. But I could have swore I had money on my card. Right. And I put it in. It was pre pandemic. OK, maybe during the pandemic. But I could have swore I had money on my card, right? And I put it in. It was pre-pandemic. Okay. Maybe during the pandemic.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's neither here nor there. But I put my card in, and it kept saying decline, but I know I had money. And the guy kind of started yelling at me and stuff like that, and I was fucking hammered. Well, it was also, I remember it being like, it said processing,

but, like, the transaction kind of came, and he was just like, I'm not, like, I don't have enough money to re-swipe this. This is like, here's my number. If it's going through, it's now your problem, buddy. I kind of thought he was trying to rip me off, to be honest with you. So I just get out of the car, and I start fucking running, right? Because he starts chasing me. I cannot even imagine watching you run down the street.

Well, here's the thing, man. I am not the athlete I used to be. Like a bowling ball just rolling down. Like the big stone in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I've seen the big children running out of the way. I think I'm being real slick, right? Like I'm fucking behind the car. I fucking sprint down this street.

I sprint down this street. And then I see like a fucking clear opening straight up to where my apartment is. Make a left and I'm inside. So I'm bolting up the street. And this guy all of a sudden is next to me going backwards. Real slow. With the door open just laughing at me. Wow.

Literally fucking just laughing at me. And then like wheeling around. Oh, man. That is an unbelievable visual. Oh, dude. The thought that you had the, you know. I was cooking too, baby. That's a 20.

That's a 10. That's a 10. That's a 10. I would give me a Kevin Harlan call. Oh, man. A lot of people say he's lost a step, but I don't see it here, folks. The kids are moving down the street. You also get to a certain amount of beers where you're like, I got this.

I got one more good one left in me. Let me fucking hit the boosters and I'm out. You know what I've noticed? I've seen this every time there's a viral video. It's usually two old women who try to have a foot race. You ever see these things? They're on Reels and TikToks. It's always two older black ladies

at a family reunion or whatever. For whatever reason, they're having foot races. This cannot be as popular as you think. I've seen them. I've seen them. I'll post them. Older black woman at family cookouts. I mean, he's making a very small exception of the larger population.

And they just cannot. They take two steps and they go down. And they go down. Every time. And it's like at what age do you just realize, like, I can't even, I can't run anymore. It's 45. It's 45 hours a night. I have a new rule that I've instituted in the past couple months.

I don't leave the ground anymore. No jumping. I will not leave the ground. That's good. Like, it's just, you know, and forget about, like, I play Zog sports on the weekend. I'm playing soccer. I'm cutting. You're going to blow out your knee. You're going to need ACL surgery. You're going to miss, like, I play Zog sports on the weekend. I'm playing soccer. I'm cutting. You're going to blow out your knee.

You're going to need ACL surgery. You're going to miss like six to eight months. You're going to blow out your shoulder playing fucking softball. Or I just, you know, I jump off a fucking table where I go on a foot race at a fucking family reunion.

And you're going to hurt my face. Next thing you know, you're on TikTok. I'm definitely a fall risk. 100%. I mean, you break your hip or something, brother. I'm going to have to put them down.

It's going to be like we're going to put a sheet over them and stuff. They tell me I'm going to a farm. No, you're going to a farm. It's going to be nice. There's other fat guys there. I was in Columbia and we were like, we're sitting on the beach in Columbia and I'm like, you know, I got a couple

in me. The ciggies are going. It's like, you know, next thing it's like, you know, dollar beers or whatever on this little hut on the beach and I'm like, you know, I got a couple in me. The Siggy's are going. It's like, you know, next thing. It's like, you know, dollar beers or whatever on this little hut on the beach. And I'm fucking torched. And after like two beers, these guys come along on this little boat, like a fucking small wooden skiff kind of with like just like the rear motor, like a crabbing boat. And they're like, oh, wakeboarding, water skiing. And I'm like, I can fucking wakeboard.

Get the fuck out of here. Dude, so like they go around and an hour later, I'm like four more deep, six more deep. And at this point, I'm like fucking 18 beers deep. And I'm like sun kissed. I'm torched. I'm sweating. I'm like, I'm going to do it.

They got no English. I got no Spanish. Dude, I'm just getting towed. I fucking pulled something and it cracked. And I can crack it like three times a day. I uncrack it. I thought all, I was like, I broke my sternum, my ribs, everything's done. Your sternum. And it still fucked me up.

Your sternum? His solar plexus. I don't even take baths anymore. I'm not fucking risking it. I haven't taken a bath since my dick got full size. Really? I'm a big... It just floats and you're like, that's the most it goes? You made it sound like it couldn't fit in the tub.

I'm a big tubby time guy. Really? Dude, I'll read a book, I'll have a beer, some wine. Did you build your own apartment? I can't shower. I can't shower in a fucking Manhattan. I'm sorry about the bath. The tubs in Manhattan and New York City

are tough. We live uptown so we have a bigger... Our apartment's bigger because it's uptown. I'm sorry about the bath. The tubs in Manhattan and New York City are tough. They're tough. We live uptown, so we have a bigger, our apartment's bigger because it's uptown. We always got the sugar mom to pay for it. Yeah, we do all right. You know what I mean? We got a hot tub in the bedroom. That's how trashy he is.

He's like, holy shit. I was like, come on. He's dating like Jennifer Bezos or some shit. We're going to find out that she's fucking big money. That guy worked out for that guy. He was a to find out that she's fucking big money. Oh, that guy worked out for that guy. He was a hot teacher, huh? He was like a gym teacher. Unbelievable.

That is the dream. Yes. The absolute dream. The only thing that sucks is I think he's in a situation where to look like a good guy, he's got to keep working. I would want to be able to be...

I make sense, but I would be out. Oh, my God. I'd pick like three kids and walk out the door. Get the fuck out of here. That's like the fucking rich person version of a no-show job. Yeah, that's amazing. Get the director on the board. So you get five grand a month or whatever.

I'm on the board for games for tots. We supply you with basketballs and footballs in the hood. It's like, yeah, I don't want to. Yeah, whatever. Sit down in front of the guggenheim with a couple lawn chairs paulie walnut sitting next to you but no i do i was done athletically that night honestly because when i ran into the my apartment as soon as i got into like where i couldn't see i just dropped like this was the first time in my life where I was not in control of my body. And I couldn't get up.

That could have been it for Uncle Foley. Dude, I was, like, trying to get up, and, like, my legs wouldn't work. And I was just like, and I thought this guy was fucking closing in on me. I think you had, like, a stroke or a heart attack or something. It was bad. How long had he ran for? Maybe 35 seconds, something like that. So about 12 feet.

I felt so bad the next day that I tracked the guy down, and I ended up paying the thing. You tracked him down? Yeah, I tracked him down. So when he was laughing at you and riding in reverse, you still did end up escaping? I still ended up escaping, yeah, because he was in his car. He was going backwards down the wrong way. I think he was just doing it out of sport. He could have fucking hit me with a tranq dart or something like that if he wanted to. He's just doing the most

dangerous game. I didn't want your money. I'll get you, fat boy. I'll get you. Run, fatty, run. It's like Jumanji with the guy hunting him around with a fucking gun. Trent, you should do Trent on Are You Garbage? He's an Iowa guy. He eats breakfast

pizza. He's got some tendencies. Breakfast pizza? Not only does he eat it. It's this place called Casey's. He's telling me about this breakfast pizza that's supposed to be this gourmet shit. I guess it's kind of like sausage and scrambled eggs. Yeah, I've seen it. I've had it. But then it turns out that he literally gets it from a gas station. He's been waxing poetic

about it. And then he goes back and makes a video and I was like, Trent, you're in a gas station, man. Somebody told us the other day, do you guys know about ground beef on pizza? Just straight ground beef? Have you heard of this? Yeah. I think... I've seen the hamburger slice, if you will, at places.

It's just called the ground beef pizza. Yeah, that blows me away. I've seen the lasagna slice. The lasagna slice on pizza? No, it's ricotta cheese and ground beef yeah mixed together but i've never just ground like a name to it if it's just like the ground no when you when dominoes did when the five five five drop which will you know was like yeah don't you dare say anything bad about the five no oh dude i i'm i'm i'm upset that you still can't order them anymore that was

like a fucking you can't no they stopped they went to seven seven seven and then things got all wonky i don't think you can do the 555 anymore. I don't think you have for a few years, but I could be wrong. I just, you know, I don't even look at the bill when I go to Domino's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lava cakes, we'll do two medium pizzas. I'm offended when they ask if you want the lava cakes. It's like, don't even ask.

Dude, those things are so fucking good. You can't? In my head, it's just a level of trash that I won't allow myself to be. I really... Dude, if you're ordering dessert... That's where you draw the line. Dude, if you're ordering dessert from Domino's,

it's fucking bonkers. Dude, they are unbelievable. I'm not saying they're not good. If you put one of those on a plate, if you went to a nice house... If you go to 11 Madison and fucking pop that on a playlist... 100%.

Get the fuck out of here. Unbelievable. Get out of here. Get your glasses and get the fuck out of here. Unbelievable. Get out of here. Get your glasses in. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not even kidding. I swear to God, you could have some bougie motherfuckers

who would not even bat an eyelid. Dude, they're so good. Maybe they'd cut it open and it would fall out and they'd be like, oh, wow. Here's what I would do if I was Domino's.

I would just build the price in, you know, a couple extra bucks on the pizza. And you get a free one. Free lava cake. And you feel like you're the word. But they're probably not having any trouble moving the lava cakes. I mean, you got, a couple extra bucks on the pizza. And you get a free one. Free lava cake. And you feel like you're in a word. But they're probably not having any trouble moving the lava cakes. I mean, you got 75% here that are fucking,

we're talking 100,000 people right now. They're doing alright. You also, you know they're good because when you fucking, you know how thick the Domino's cardboard is. When you pick it up, it's greasy. Oh yeah, that oil seeps through. The table is fucking greasy. That's what I think. This was like the new money to us.

That was something like my, because my parents were all poor. That was like, you do not order dessert from Domino's. Like, they made these weird rules in their head. And it's still in the middle. That's a strange place to draw the line, man. Yeah, it's just why I'm wired with them. Pizza, on the other hand, they get their birthday cakes from. We just had a big debate about that.

This was Kylie Jenner's dessert. Did you watch this? Yeah, I didn't get the hullabaloo about this. This was Kylie Jenner's dessert. Did you watch this? Yeah. I didn't get the hullabaloo about this. Oh, is this the, yeah. Yeah, that's some fancy shit right there. That thing probably melts the globe. Fades away, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even know what that is that's melting away, but it's ice cream on the inside. That's pretty cool. I mean, I would absolutely. I wonder what Denny's that is. One of my favorite things to do is go to restaurants like that. Like to fucking... Where they have those kind of things.

Michelin star shit. Not even Michelin star shit. Where they have fucking things that they designed. That you will take your phone out for. Yeah, of course. I like going to those and watching their face when I don't take my phone out. It's a power move. I was at a bar.

This is a while ago. It always feels like yesterday. I was at a bar, like, this is probably, this is a while ago. Just chops it up. It always feels like yesterday. But I was at a bar probably two years ago, and they were, like, mixing me up like a fucking old-fashioned, something like that. And they're like, you're going to want to take your phone out and record this. And I was like, no, I'm good. What? Yeah.

And they're like, oh, people love it. Like, they put it on their Snapchats. And I was like, no, I just want my drink. Yeah. Hey, buddy, I'm cheating on my wife right now. What are you talking about? You got an American Express gift card here about to bounce. You have no idea.

You're about to get screwed. I'm not posting this online. No evidence. No paper trail. I love, or if it's supposed to be like you're supposed to eat it a certain way and you pour this into that. I'm just like, I just mix it all. Yeah. Well, this is the big one we were just talking about.

Somebody asked, how do you cut a piece of meat? How do you hold the forks? How do you hold the fork, the knife? What's your go-to? The fork upside down, kind of hold it. Like reverse, kind of. The point is, do you cut it so where you take the fork away with the end piece, or do you stick it in the meat and then cut it like you're carving it?

I cut it like I'm carving it. I'm surprised you even use a fork, Michael Bergman. Oh, I regularly use a fork. No, no, no. I'll cook steaks. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Because as much of a garbage bag as he is,

he went to fucking like princess polish school. Sure. It really works. Yeah, you could know the answer to this. He should get his fucking money back. I'm taking motherfucking etiquette classes. Yeah, that's what it's called. Which he stole the silverware from the place.

He knows the salad for versus the soup spoon, and which goes, you know, the bread and the fucking. Sure, yeah, yeah. That's a trash. You sit down and you go like this, you're a trash bag. I told this to chaps the other day. That one's fucking easy. What goes on what side?

Yeah, of course. If it's got four letters in it, it goes on the left side. If it's got five, it goes on the right side. Left, right. Left four letters, right five. Okay, but I mean what the fuck? Spoon, knife, right side. Fork, left.

Yeah. Okay. I mean that is easy, but it's just like I don't know. When did they tell you how to eat in bed? You fucking animal. You hold the fork like this? I hold the fork like this. I hold the fork like this. I cut it, and I eat it.

But you eat with the fork hand. I eat with the fork. Yeah, I don't switch. I have to switch. Are you lefty or something? I'm an ambidextrous motherfucker. What about the upside-down fork? Do you do that? Not all the time, but I'll do it. And then grab it?

No! Can you run and give me some knives and forks? I gotta see this. A couple of baseball stakes, too, huh? Completely let go of her? I'll take mash. Who wants baked? Whatever. I got to see this.

Well, it's also just to, like, my wife is obviously way better than me in 99% of life, right? What's the 1%? I don't know. Comedy? I got a bigger wiener. She's got one, but mine's bigger not by much i've seen both i got her by a hair literally um yeah so she i didn't know that there was like i i were we grew up animals dude my mom was one of nine from like a two-bedroom house in kensington philadelphia it's like like trash like no money uh so i just always use my fork to cut most things okay right that and but like when i sit there and just kind

of like grind away at it that's real bad you're cutting steak with your fork one shout out to the chef because he's killing it. But you're fucking trash. Alright, here we go. Feudalburg's like, plastic? I can't eat with these. So, I mean, I would go like this. Like, I kind of hold the That's the classy way to hold it. Let me see.

So then it's in the thing, and then I would just, yeah. That's nice. That's what a gentleman does. So you will... So this is... All right. He's already holding it upside down.

Raise. I'm going to get killed for this. Oh, you hold it like that like an animal? No, no. That's what I thought you were saying. You do where you go like this. No, no, no. I fucking eat...

What are you, the fucking Zodiac? What the fuck? That's how Gazi's. Gazi's like shovels it in like a fucking animal. Will he cut like that? I'm talking like I don't remember how he cuts. When we were on the Blackout Tour and we were doing salads, he would just be like,

you're gonna get some roughage in me. Don't call it roughage, it's fucking salad, bro. Okay, so teach me your garbage ways. Now I'm aware of these things. The first time we went out to a nice dinner, we were with her family, and they're like,

Europeans tend to be a bit more refined. Look at how you're holding that. It's not a fucking pool cue. I know. Well, now I'm nervous. I don't know what to do. I'm like, how do I do it? I really don't know how to hold this.

Yeah, so I'll cut. Say I have a piece of chicken, right? Like a chicken breast. I'll cut like a bunch of- Let's say it's Parmesan. Oh, you'll do a bunch of little pieces? I'll do a bunch of pieces and then switch over.

I'll put the knife down, switch to my right hand, and then four or five pieces and redo it. Oh my god. That's the most tragic part. That's what you do to kids. Also, I never knew you were,

until I was a proper adult, I didn't know you were supposed to use the knife to guide the stuff onto the fork. So I would like use my fingers and then like. I'd just grab it, put it on. It would be like a backstop. You know what I mean? Like I would like, you know, scoop it. Like if I had like rice or peas or something.

Because you can get most of it with a scoop. But when you get down to the last couple of pieces, I got to fucking. What about spoons? Would you ever eat like peas with spoons? I have honestly started to switch over to in my home. I'm exclusively tablespoons on a lot of things. Yeah, I mean, it makes a lot of sense. Even spaghetti.

Spaghetti with a spoon? Because I slice it up. I chop my spaghetti now. And listen, you kids out there listening, I'm telling you, if you want to make just regular pasta sauce seem creamy, fucking chop up your spaghetti in a pan.

And you can be like H. Foley, ladies and gentlemen. And stay in school. Don't use drugs. But if you do, give me a call. Comes with an angioplasty, too. I mean, cutting up all your... When I make my kids food, I cut them up like 30 pieces and give it to them. Yeah, man.

That blew me away when I was a kid. Remember when your fucking mom or dad would just be like – just cut it up? Yeah, it's like, what are you, a samurai? Holy shit. Yeah, it really hit me when I was out to dinner and my – I guess she's my sister-in-law now, my wife's brother's wife. And we're sitting there and she's sitting across. And, like, everybody was kind of looking at me, so my wife made, like, a joke to, like, kind of break the tension. And this is the first time we're meeting.

We're out at a nice restaurant. Oh, well, look at the rescue dog I brought to the family here. The rescue dog. I'm missing hair and stuff. It's a loud banging. I got a free collar. I just got dipped, stuff. It's a loud banging. I got a free collar. I just got dipped, everybody. It's okay.

And, like, my sister-in-law made a comment, like, oh, you're really going to town on that? And I was like, am I? Oh, fuck her, first of all. I've been hyper aware of it completely. I'm surprised you didn't just stab it and eat the breast. This is America, baby. That's something like meet the parents shit.

Like, oh, we're going to need a little visit from the shower fairy. If you fucking leave me alone, let me do my goddamn thing. Yeah, right? I'm like, why did I? In-laws is the, you can get along with your in-laws and they still suck. You know what I mean? It's just, you're not my family. I'm not yours.

We're going to do things differently. I'm probably not going to really get along with each other. Sure. But I'm from a family that's like, I like my in-laws better. I'm done with you fucking animals, you know what I mean? You guys don't know my secrets. Dude, I walk in, like, I drink Starbucks, and my family's like so blue-collar

and trashy. They're like, oh, get a load of fancy pants over here. Mr. Big New Yorker and his Starbucks. We're a Duncan family. Like, dude, I get checked when I go home. I get proper checked What do you When you're eating

Do you have a This was kind of instilled in me a little bit From my grandfather I don't know I guess Not garbage But like He always eats

The certain foods in a certain order So like In his mind I guess he said this came from the firehouse When you would get interrupted For it to go out And you come back You have to eat the food. And so you would eat like you could always eat cold meat, but he couldn't eat like cold potatoes.

So you'd eat like the potatoes first and then the vegetables and then this and then that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We just had Kelly Keys, who I think is her who eats one thing at a time. That's called psycho shit. Yeah. She like she'll do all the peas, then the potatoes, and then the meat. That's weird, but I guess this is kind of what he did too, just out of this temperature thing. I mean, you're a fireman, that's one thing.

Or you work at fucking NORAD or something, yeah, we'll give it to you. But if you're a blogger at Barstool, you got time to eat your fucking dinner. If you're doing that in the lunchroom, in the cafeteria, man, don't be surprised when you're sitting by yourself the next day. Kelly is a funny one because, like, so what was the verdict on her? Oh, fucking trash, dude.

And she goes anywhere we go. The question that really blew it open was, have you ever checked into a hotel with a cooler? And she's like, for my whole life, we bring a cooler. Mom's down on bun heavies. The mom drinks bun heavies. And shrimp cocktail. cocktail yeah which is real irish imagine somewhere with shrimp cocktail and a six or a bud heavies in a cooler like you're

ready to hang but she she is i love it i'm ready to go i know i can eat shrimp cocktail so my face falls off she but kelly herself is like that she dresses like well you're trying she's trying to hide it like she's like she can kind of like – She's trying to hide it. She's like she can kind of walk in both worlds. But she does kind of hide it pretty well. She does. She hides it well. Yeah, yeah.

It took us a while to pin her down. She's a high society bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That Cruella de Vil movie is coming out. We all say like that's her because she's – Yes. I can see her smoking cigarettes out of those things. Yeah, yeah.

Killing dogs for a jacket or something. What? Well, it's a nice coat. You know what I mean? But then, yeah, she – Yeah, it took us a while to get her, but Well, it's a nice coat. You know what I mean? But then, yeah. Yeah, it took us a while to get her, but we got her. We cracked her.

Yeah, her mom really gave her away. When was the last time you guys interviewed someone who was classy? Yesterday. Yesterday, yeah. Chaz Pomelterian.

Oh, I saw that. Dude, who like changed the class. Changed the level of what class is. You had to readjust people back. By the way, we said you were classy or not because Chaz of what a class is. You have to readjust people back. By the way, we said you were a class.

You're not because Chad told us what a class is. Just like we asked him, we're like, you know, do you drive or what kind of car do you have? And he's like, oh, well, I have a driver who's also a security guard who carries a gun and he's downstairs right now. We're like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's the classiest way to travel, I guess, is getting driven around in your car. He's getting into the podcast game kind of, right? Does he have his own show?

Yeah, he has his own podcast. Because I've seen him on Christie's. I've seen him making the rounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he has his own show, huh? Yeah, it's fantastic. The classiest thing he said he got from his pops was, and I never even thought of this,

if he drives somewhere, like say he's in New York and he drives to Atlantic City, first thing he does, what do you think the first thing he does when he gets there? To like the hotel or something? No, when he gets in town. Fills the car back up. Just in case you get hemmed up and you got to get the fuck out. So he's ready to go.

See, I disagree with that. That's garbage. That's like fucking dad's back into the parking spots. Just prolong the annoying thing. My dad does it. My dad, dude, we were in parking's back into the parking spots. Just prolong the annoying thing. Like my dad does it. My dad, dude, we were into the park. That was always the mark of an asshole. It's fucking you drive a Corolla.

Yeah. In the grocery store. Come on. Give me a break. The guy that parked like in the back of the parking lot. It's like, what are you doing? Or the dick who takes two spots. If you park on the line, you better have like a Bentley.

Yeah. I see you do that with like old, beat-up BMW. It's like, listen, pal. But you don't think that's classy, so you're prepared for the next move. He's not a gauge of class. What are you talking about? Nah, that's more money for the craps tables. It is fucking...

Dude, this past weekend, I was home, and we went to a bar with my family, and because of COVID... Stop right there. Stuff like that. It was actually a brewery if I – like classed it up a little bit. We got a flight. We got 13 flights each. Real classy family. Can I get a full-size flight?

Just bring me five beers. Just put the plates on a tray. What I'm trying to say is a six-pack. We don't mind. But because of COVID, they have like have restrictions on how many people can be there And so the parking lot was pretty much empty And there was just a full row To park in

And I was like just fucking drive into it And he's like do a four point turn to be able to back into it I was like dude we're gonna do the back out later He's like I'd like to be ready to go Yeah that's preparedness That's clits You know the apocalypse hits and we got to run. But like right now, my car is in the garage and it's on empty.

And I was thinking to myself, like I had time earlier. I do this all. I do it a lot. And I regret it every time. It's like I wake up in the morning and I'm like, oh, fuck. I got to drop the kids off at school. And I'm running on empty, empty. Ever since when once cars started doing the digital gas.

Oh, let me tell you exactly how long you got. I'm two miles to the end. Oh, I love it. And I'm like looking on Google Maps like, all right, the gas station is 1.8 away. Like, we're good. I'm all right. You're playing with house money at that point. Absolutely.

I'm living. But, you know, it's like I should fill up right now while I have the time and I'm never going to, you know? No, never. Back when. How many times have you run out of gas? No, I mean, I'm not an idiot. Oh, I've run out of gas countless times.

Countless times? It was a thing in high school. It doesn't even have a car. That's the weirdest thing. I've never run out of gas. Yeah, I've never run out of gas. Oh, no, 100%? Like, many times. I've definitely had to throw it in neutral and stuff down hills to save a couple of clicks.

So what'd you do? Did you walk to the gas station? I called AAA. Oh, okay. They gassed me up. It was like a thing in high school. I'm not much of a man. Hey, AAA, it's Feidelberg again.

Yeah, I'm on Route 4. I went to a school where the parents could just be like, hey, he's not coming today. And I was fine. That was a loud excuse. Sure. So my mom would have to call and be like, John did it again.

Again. John's going to miss the first half of school today because he's got to sit inside of there and wait for AAA. I'd be like a mile from school. Was your dad ever like, God damn it, John. I don't know if she ever told him. Yeah. He would not be happy about that.

I don't think he'd really give a shit. I think he would. I think dads would all kind of be like, God damn it. Come on. I don't think he'd care. I think he'd be like, whatever. At a very young age, I was allowed to do what I wanted to do. Yeah, we know.

They knew to cut ties and start focusing on the other three pretty soon. We're like, this piece of art isn't really going to come out how I want it to. Let's start working on the other one. Like a burnt piece of toast. If we're still hungry later, we'll eat it. That's a good one. You scrape off the burn on toast? If I don't have another slice.

Yeah, but I mean, you know. I'm a burnt toast guy. Love it. Oh, yeah. You Polish? No, why? Is that a Polish thing? Oh, yeah, Poles love it.

Really? Nah. That's simultaneous. Really? That's a weird fact to know. I'm like, I know a decent amount of stereotypes You can't trust them they're like burnt toast By the way I hate to burst your bubble I got a DM and somebody said

Don't burst his bubble but I'm gonna burst it Oh boy Your fun facts they're just not true You've been fucking believing those you haven't There's two that we He's said and I've been telling them too Because they are fun and people go All of my fun facts are One person told me, and I've been telling them, too, because they are fun, and people go, oh, yeah.

All of my fun facts are one person told me once, and I didn't research it. Yeah. And that's my whole life. The first one was that Puerto Rico and San Juan are flipped, that the country was supposed to be called San Juan, which makes sense, and that the port is Puerto Rico. But that, I can't remember why it's not true, but it's not true. That one's true. It was close. It wasn't all the islands down there.

St. Bart, St. Thomas, St. This, St. Juan. Yes, but there was something like they intentionally. You lose a lot of credibility with the glasses, by the way. They like intentionally did change it. But anyway, the other one is that Prague is the only place in Europe that was untouched by World War II. Like it just didn't have any damage. And someone just sent me a Wikipedia page that was like the bombing of Prague. In 1941, Prague was like annihilated by like a lightning strike of fucking.

That one was told to me on a tour of Prague by a Prague bar. That makes sense. I've been to Prague and it is still super old. Yeah. And I've been to parts of Germany that are like, have been all bombed out. That one I won't, that's not my responsibility. Someone, a Czech

tour guide told me that. That's good enough for me. Come on. A true historian shifting responsibility. I'll tell him stuff. That's not on me. I tell him stuff. I'll be like, oh, did you know this? Or whatever. We're talking and then like seven days later, he'll tell me the same thing. Like he'll attempt to tell me the same fact like he read it somewhere.

Did you know hippopotamus never sleep? I'm like, that's not what I told you that. And that wasn't the fucking fact, you idiot. If you guys would like some bad information secondhand about SEOs. I had to tell him the difference between a download and a view the other day. He's like, is that views or downloads or they're the same thing? I'm like, just stop asking questions about the business end of this. Just crack the jokes.

As I laugh, to make sure I know what you're talking about, why don't you go ahead and say it? Just so the listener knows what we're talking about. Us professional podcasters, we do know. Because I think we kind of download as a few, right? Well, we... No, you do, but they are different things. Yes, they're the same.

As a number, they're the same thing. Okay. But they're different things. Yeah, one's on YouTube, one's a podcast. Yes. Okay. He doesn't... You didn't get that.

What's that? I'm sorry, what were you guys talking to me? How about this move? This went viral on the internet the other day. A little charcuterie board. Oh, I saw it, but it's lunchables. Okay. Which, by the way,

it's got to be way more expensive to do this. Than to buy a lunchable. I mean, to get like 65 lunchables, those are all like $10 a piece. Yeah, it's crazy. But that went super viral, and everyone was like, yeah, dude, you're been done a handful of times. You know what we can ask KFC?

You pack the kids' lunches? Oh, no. You don't? No, I don't. I really don't. What, do you just send them with cash? Here's 20. Call up Domino's.

5-5-5. They all have Seamless on their phone. They're getting Uber Eats. Save a lot of cake for the old man, huh? I got to go get gas. Well, 1.8 miles away will be all right. Don't worry about me. They do like snack time because it's like not full school.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So I haven't really done the like, I'm not like making them sandwiches and shit like that. But do you use the little plastic baggies like the Ziplocs? When I do it, I think that will be instilled in me because I used to have some shame. I used to be the guy with a ripped bag coming out. But here's the thing. Do you use the zip one or the flip? Or the fold over?

Or did you have the proper dual freshness? If you don't have a Ziploc, you're on fucking food stamps. What about tinfoil when you're wrapping it? We would not use them. Yeah. We were a fold-over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holly would use fold-overs.

It wasn't – I think she didn't really care. She didn't have a favorite. Sometimes we'd have the double seal, but otherwise it was just a flip. No, we were – dude, I got a thing of fucking broken pretzels. Like, you know what I mean? By the time you got to lunch, the soda can had crunched it and shit. Absolutely. Yeah, it was the fucking worst.

We were straight tinfoil. Which is class. That's a classy way to wrap it. And a soda. We dabble in tinfoil as well. I live in the Cuban world. Is that what you're saying? Of course.

Yeah. That's real Irish garbage thought. Did you do lunchboxes when you were a kid with the thermos and all that kind of shit? No. That shit was corny to me. I'm like, I want a fucking paper bag. I don't want to be rolling in with a Ninja Turtles thing.

I remember having like a box and the smell. Those smells. So unique. Yeah, but all the same. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. You would have peanut butter and bologna and this and that,

and then it would just morph into cafeteria smell or lunch smell. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, the people who would like, I remember kids would have a thermos and they would use the cup, the top of the cup. And it's like, just kill yourself.

What are you, an instructor all of a sudden? You know what I mean? I did that. Yeah, you should do that. I would do it with like, I'd get like hot chocolate for lunch. You would take hot chocolate for lunch? Man, this kid's fucking screwballs.

Holy shit. I'd have either hot chocolate or soup. That is soup. You can't be an elementary school kid rolling into lunch with soup. Sometimes both. Soup and hot chocolate.

Could you imagine this kid at lunch? Would you have a fever? No. Like a little fucking chicken noodle soup for lunch. Last day of school,

this guy's eating soup fucking May. What was your lunchtime? Lunch. What was your lunchtime lunch? What was your lunch? The go-to was peanut butter and jelly wrapped in tinfoil and then some chips and pretzels. My mom was big on the variety pack of little bags of chips.

The Doritos. Yeah, we used to fight over the Doritos. I thought the Fritos would be left over. Oh, yeah. Or like the regular chips. Or the popcorn or something was left over. Yeah. Take out.

What was your thing? I elementary school was packed like a peanut butter sandwich. I was no, I didn't like jelly. I still don't. I'm just peanut butter. Like if I'm I'll be a peanut butter guy. Yeah, for sure. I know.

I dabble in both, but I often will just do. I do a triple decker. Nice. Three, three bread. Two, two levels of. They used to sell them at our school. They did triple decker PB and J's. Yeah.

I call it the Foley. You know what I think got a bad rap? Is the pound, when it got crushed. Oh, it was great. Great. I hated it. I haven't made a peanut butter and jelly in a while, but if I would, I'd probably punch it.

Thin crust. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's almost dense. It's packed into that. It's almost like a peanut butter and jelly chip. One thing my mom did fantastic was she used to get Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies. And she'd put them in the freezer. So by the time lunch rolled around, it was almost like they were uncooked.

They were so chewy and moist. Fucking good night. I think not enough people put foods in the freezer. Food in the freezer is, no, come on in. Martin. I'm going to put you right in the middle. Oh, my God. All right.

Before we get into Marty, just hang on for one second right there. Have we talked about bologna? I mean. I don't know, but you said that real weird. Yeah. What do you have? What do you have? Stock in it or something?

Marty, we don't know this guy. I told you guys about bologna. Big bologna is taking over. Yeah. I mean, that's got to be a very big point of contention in the garbage world. It's trash to me. It's fucking fantastic. And you know what I've gotten into lately?

Would you like Oscar Mayer bologna from the fucking package? Yeah, of course. I mean, both. Both. Yeah. Thin sliced. They're both good. Yeah, thin sliced is good.

That's the thing. But what I've gotten into is olive loaf. Do you fuck with that? Come on. It's bologna with little pieces of olive in it Dude it's fantastic I mean the problem here for me is Well the problem is it's complete and total garbage

I just also don't like olives So I can't do that But if you're eating bologna mixed up with olives I think anything with loaf in it It's bad I said meatloaf needs a rebranding. Yes, I agree. Meatloaf sounds disgusting.

No, it's fucking good. He's an idea guy over here. I'll give you that. You throw like a French name or a fucking ritzy name behind meatloaf. Yeah. And change the shape. I think you can eat the log. The log is tough.

The log is tough. But that is a delicious meal that needs a whole new world. Fantastic. Big meatloaf, guys. All right, let's bring in Marty Mush. All right, let's welcome Marty Mush to the program. Sorry, I'll stop. Doesn't this look kind of cool, though?

It's kind of funny. You do have to go to YouTube to see it. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, go to YouTube and subscribe to watch my moron co-host here and his, and his absolute... Let's welcome Marty Mush to the show. He's brought to you by Miller Lite. You know that Marty Mush enjoys an ice cold Miller Lite

because despite how stupid he is, he knows that the best beer in the game... He knows to listen to us. He does, right. Marty knows what he knows and he knows what he doesn't know. And he knows when it comes to, hey, fellas, which beer should I drink? Let me listen to the KFC radio guys and get myself an ice cold Miller Lite. He's too used to drinking fucking Blackheart.

Right, drinking disgusting rum. Come over to the side of the fence. Right. How about, you know, you want to drink disgusting rum from the deplorable pits of Long Island, or do you want to drink an ice cold Miller Lite from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where they brew beer in their sleep at? You know, they, they, all they do in Wisconsin is make cheese and cook beer, cook beer, what do they call brew beer? So you'll be a boil the beer, whatever, however you make the beer.

That's what they do in Wisconsin for Miller Lite. So Marty knows to drink it. We've been drinking it. Dana beers has switched over. The guy's name is Dana beers for God's sake. I mean, at this point, if you're not on the Miller Lite train, you've got to get on. And listen, I understand it.

I grew up in New York. I know that these things are pretty regional. But let's call it spade to spade. Miller Lite has taken over. It's a great taste. And I genuinely say this. I drank a different beer for most of my life because it was a regional thing. And then I never really drank many Miller Lites.

And then once the sponsorship came on, I was like, all right, we'll do a Miller Lites now it's it's it is night we went better it is it is that's not this obviously is an advertisement so hashtag ad but i it is truly truly a far superior it's just got the taste yeah like it has an enjoyable taste while still being less filling so i mean it's just the best of both worlds beats all the competitors and we saw the light we grew up everybody grows up and eventually becomes a while still being less filling. So, I mean, it's just the best of both worlds. Beats all the competitors. And we saw the light. We grew up.

Everybody grows up and eventually becomes a Miller Lite man or woman. And you should too. Go to MillerLite.com slash KFC to find the delivery options near you. It's from the Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It's 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Celebrate responsibly and go to MillerLite.com slash KFC. Obviously must be 21 or up for Miller time. Marty Mush, this is Kevin, this is Foley.

What's up, buddy? How are you, garbage guys? If I smell like shit, I just took one. Oh, great. I always think that you smell like it when you sit in. That's very considerate. Are you shitting into the toilet? So it goes away down the water, you know?

I don't know. I always don't understand the splashing and the aromas it could stick on. You don't know. That's not a thing. Nobody smells like poop on them when they walk out. Unless you touch it up a little bit. That's also an awesome way to enter a conversation. I might smell like shit.

I just shit. It might stick to me. I don't know. I'm Marty. Nice to meet you. Technically, I might smell like shit. I just shit. It might stick to me. I don't know. I'm Marty. Nice to meet you. Technically, we can only go up. I like it. Buy low, sell high. I'd shake your hand, but I peed all over the place. I apologize.

Great to meet you, buddy. I think we all know where this is going to go, but Kevin Foley, we're going to ask you a series of questions to determine whether you are garbage or not. We're garbage, by the way. So it's not like we're excusing you of anything. And before you open your mouth, I've got to say, you came in pretty clean-cut kid. He's a good-looking kid.

Let's just say he just got new teeth, so he's an eight. You like those stuff? What do you mean? You got new veneers? He's really flashing them, too. He's all fucking ear-to-ear to this guy. I don't know how to smile. I'm not sure.

I always smile like this. So I don't know how to do it now. Yeah, you look like when a dog smiles. There's like a puppy with teeth that are stuck on the thing. Look at the dog smiling. That's like you. It used to look like you chewed rocks. They were bad.

Really? It was like one of those things. Congrats. I want to get him, too. I want to get him, too. And also, you know, you got the flow coming out of the back now. Oh, I'm not getting a haircut because I'll probably go bald. Yeah.

Yeah. Welcome to the club, buddy. You got some issues with the hair, with the patches. Can you do the beard thing still or no? I've been getting shots in it. Oh, yeah? See that shit? What's that for?

It's not as bad. It used to be. It's alopecia. You got alopecia? I got scoliosis. Go to my niece. He just said that like a Jewish grandmother. I got scopecia. You got alopecia? I got scoliosis. Go to my knees. He just said that like a Jewish grandmother. I got scoliosis.

Do this to my knee, too. Oh! What happened? Don't do it again. Let's go like this. Oh, you don't see it turning? What the fuck? It's like fucking Gumby.

Holy shit. Jesus Christ. I wanted to set the table. There's some weird things. This is an Are You a Carnival act. What the fuck's going on over here? I'm going to get Dr. Drew on the phone. God damn. So he's Marty Mush.

That's not his name at all. It's a totally fake name. He's a gambler, so we all thought that Mush had to do with being like a mush, but it turns out you shit your pants or something. So I don't know. That's the groundwork there. You guys can take it from here. When did you shit your pants? How. So, I don't know. That's the groundwork there. You guys can take it from here. When did you shit your pants? How long ago was this?

A couple of minutes. 9th grade. That's not bad. I did it two years ago. Oh, yeah. I did it a bunch. He's got the name. He's got a little bit of brand. At the start of quarantine, probably about two months ago, I think. Like a full-blown shit yourself?

Not a full-blown, but it was like, uh-oh, when you walk like a pterodactyl. Yeah, it's like, eww. I had one. I had one. That's the worst one. It's like warm again. Like, ah, fuck. I told this story.

It happened about a year ago. Right at the start of quarantine, I was cooking couscous in the kitchen. Oh, God, I can't even. And I was, so I'd gotten sick. I got like the flu. And I woke up like I'd shit the bed. And so I showered, threw the sheets out, all kinds of stuff. And then I was like, I'm hungry because I had an empty stomach.

By the way, you guys just let them all gloss over that. That's pretty. That's a lot. Also, I'm not going to lie. I shit the bed about two months ago. I was sick. I shit the bed and like I cleaned it up like I was getting rid of a body. My wife had no idea.

I'm like, hey, why don't you go for a walk? I like scrubbed the mattress. I had baking soda and shit. You shit the bed with her in it, obviously. She was in the same bed? No, I was laying in bed. She was out doing it like she was in the living room and I shit the bed and I was just like, fuck. I'm like, hey, I'm going to, yeah. I thought I was farting. Were you naked? No, I was farting

and it went through into the bed. Oh my. You ever shit in the shower on that? Don't come in here! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit in the shower, yeah. That's a bad idea. Yeah. Getting it down the drain is real tough. You start't come in here! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit in the shower, yeah. That's a bad idea. Getting it down the drains real tough. You start scooping and stuff. Yeah, it's not good. What?

Why would you shit in the shower? I didn't mean to. Well, I kind of... I didn't... You'd think anything in the shower would just go down the drain. Not fucking solids. Marty, you might want to talk to your primary care physician. I shit solid a lot.

Apparently, God. I shit solid a lot. I don't. Okay, but wait So the couscous So then like later in the day I'm like Not much later in the day

But shortly thereafter I'm like Hungry I'm cooking some Chicken and couscous And couscous I don't know if you guys Cook a lot of couscous

Stop saying couscous Yeah Stop saying couscous Huh? Stop saying couscous Are they a sponsor On the show or something? It's the food so nice

They named it twice The Big couscous Got to Feidelberg Couscous is like 30 seconds here One minute a year Are they a sponsor on the show or something? It's the food so nice they named it twice. Big couscous got to Feidelberg. It's like 30 seconds here, one minute a year, 30 seconds here, doing a lot of stuff, and I bent down to get the chicken out of the oven, and when I went like this, I just fucking shit all over the place. He's so dedicated to the couscous. I was so dedicated to the couscous that I kept cooking,

so I finished cooking the entire lunch with just a bunch of shit in my pants. Like a lot of shit. I'm not even shocked at this point. That was where I thought the conversation was going, to be honest with you. Honestly, probably after I ate that lunch, I went and did all your garbage. Around that time, I feel like it was when I was first on the show. Yeah, that's disgusting. Shit in your pants, though.

Shitting in your pants, though, to be fair. All right? Although it is garbage. The older you get, when you start crossing in your 30s, something's going to happen. It's a age thing. On a certain timeline, everybody gets it. It's a size thing, too, with him. Let's not beat around the bush.

I mean, like, he's not nimble. If he gets hemmed up, he's not like, it's a process. It comes on strong. The last time I shit myself, I was at Pho nimble. If he gets hemmed up, he's not like, it's a process. It comes on strong. The last time I shit myself, I was at Phoebe's. You know that bar? Yeah. Where is it? Fuck.

It's like, it's. Yeah, I know. It's like an abortion. I don't know why I got, like, super like, hey, what? No, what's the block again? But I had reconnected with an ex-girlfriend. So we had, we broke up for a while. We get, I think it was a birthday.

We was common friend, whatever. And so we meet back up, and everyone else eventually leaves. It's just me and her. We know where this is going. It's like, we're going to reunite for the night. And I go down to the bathroom, and I was fine.

It wasn't like I was like, oh, God. And I was just, I was at the urinal, and I farted at the urinal. And I mean, I shit my pants. Oh, damn. And oddly enough, for some reason, for the first time in 25 years at that point, and the last time I ever done it, I was wearing corduroys. I don't know why I had corduroy pants on. Got stuck in the lines?

No, it wasn't that. How good is your game? You're going to get laid in corduroys. Stuck in the lines. You can shoot on the outside of the pants. It's his good protection. Got stuck in the lines. Who was he? Wearing them inside Who is he, wearing them inside out?

He's wearing them inside out. Marty. So I go to the stall, and this is one of those bathrooms where it's like nobody – Got in your hair, huh? Yeah. Wait, what? Get it in your eyes? Is that what happened with the toilet?

What the fuck is this guy talking? get it in your eyes is that what happened with the corduroy so I go into the stall and this is not a bathroom where anybody ever actually like poops so like you walk in that stall and people were like what the fuck

are you doing in there you go into the stalls when you're doing coke yeah right exactly so I gotta I take the boxers off I mean they're gone

there's no saving them and I so now I'm commando in a pair of corduroys and I stuff the the fucking boxers in the garbage. Yeah. But all the guys in the bathroom are seeing me, and they're like, what is happening here? So then, whatever, I clean myself up.

I'm all good. I go back upstairs to her, and then it's time to go home. Now it's time to go back to my apartment. With her. With her. With her. And now I'm wearing. You got some work ahead of you. Now I'm wearing corduroys with no underwear.

What is this, the 70s? Exactly. Who's rolling around in corduroys? Yeah, that arises more questions than you shit in your pants. Right. So now I'm like, oh, my God, if we go to bed together and she takes my pants off and I'm just like commando under there. It's a whole fucking problem, you know?

So I ended up, I think I ended up like being like, you got to go to the bathroom, right? Like you got to go. And she was kind of like, I mean, I guess so, whatever. So she's in and I like run. I take my clothes off, put my pants on, pull on a new pair of boxers, put my pants back on. She was none the wiser. I'll give you that. That's pretty good.

It's like a bad sitcom. If you were going to get intimate with somebody, wouldn't you want to freshen up a little bit down there? back on. She was none the wiser. I'll give you that. That's pretty good. It's like a bad sitcom. If you were going to get intimate with somebody, wouldn't you want to freshen up a little bit down there? I mean, yes, but Jesus Christ fully, I mean, I don't know. I was in crisis mode. How do you freshen up down there? Hop in the shower, Marty.

What do you think? Are you going to shower before you dog? There's no way I'm going to hop in the shower at 2 a.m. after the bar. Do you shower before every time you dog someone? A little bit, yeah. I thought he was calling a dog at somebody. That's a whole thing. That's a whole thing. I'm not ripping them off

at the track. It's not a game of three-card Monty, man. Yeah, I dogged her at the Belmont. Really, to be honest. As a bigger guy, though, I get self-conscious about that. I don't want it to stink down there. Well, it does. Sounds like I've been there.

I don't know why I made the joke. Well, it does, and you're disgusting. Even if you don't shit yourself, after a night at the bar, I always think about it. I get self-conscious about this. You go home with a girl after a night at the bar. It always think about, I get self-conscious about this. You go home with a girl after a night at the bar. It blows me away. It blows me away. You know, you're walking

and talking and sweating and farting and drinking and even if you don't full-blown shit yourself, it can't be great for her. I mean, if a girl is going down on you after the bar,

it's like, what's wrong? I think it's weirder, I think it's weirder to have a fucking, like a dick after a shower. That's just like fucking... You think it's weirder to have what?

I think it's weirder to like fuck a dick that just got out of the shower. Why? It's just like a fucking... It just tastes like skin. At least you got... You've been sweating a little bit and you got a little salt on there. A little flavor? Is that what you're saying? A couple of gutramats on there. What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean? That's what fucking sweat tastes like. It's salt. And it's a little salty. Would you rather go down on a What do you mean what do I mean? That's what fucking sweat tastes like. It's salt. And then fucking it's a little salty. Would you rather go down on a girl who just got out of a shower or not? I think when you go down on a girl who just got out of a shower, there's a distinct difference. This just tastes like soap.

You want it to taste like pennies. You want the pennies. Yeah, this is like I just said a swear at my grandmother's house. Put a little French dressing on there. Like in a battery set? How about Sam Morrill and who's the other guy that does the podcast with?

The drinking one? Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Is it Norman? Yeah. They were talking about how they like their women to have some musk to them.

And it was just some cats that I did not under, I did not expect that from them. They were like, I like a natural smell. That's what Finalberg's saying, right? Yeah, that's what I mean. Like our show, I would get it, but like those guys, I didn't expect it from you. They were like, I like a natural smell. That's what Feidelberg's saying, right? Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, our show, I would get it, but, like, those guys, I didn't expect it from.

All right, anyway. Do you have the cards with you? You want to show them? Yeah, I have the cards. So show it to the people here. Also, this is how garbage we are. We sell cards that don't come with a box. I just come cellophane, and people are like, yo, what the fuck?

No box? I'm like, first of all, the show's called Are You Garbage? Second of all, get a rubber band and be a fucking adult about it. Third of all, actually, it's class to not have it in the fucking Ziploc bag, the non-Ziploc double top. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I got my cards, I was a little surprised that it was just that. Literally a stack of cards.

Who'd you think it was going to be? A gold case or something like that? Yeah, I mean. It's not an Emmy. It's like a new pair of Jordans. You're lucky the cards showed up to Bianca's. Yeah. Do we have our answer in there over there?

You had the box over there, right? Yeah, you also have Barstool Sports behind you, jerk-off. Oh yeah, look at that. There's probably a couple of golf balls in there too. It's usually nice to get it all. Let me get my fork and knife. By the way, folks, the fork and knife come with the pack.

So order today. I can't literally can't open it. I've never done it from a consumer aspect. I'm just the guy who's mailing. Also, yeah, for a box, it was like an extra three bucks a thing. And I'm like, well, you know, that's on you guys. You figure it out. Hold on. The one guy goes And I'm like, well, that's on you guys. You figure it out. Fuck.

Hold on. The one guy goes, I'm actually upset that they actually arrived. I wanted you guys just to rip us off. It would be so on brand. Charge you for nothing. Also, there's a couple of spelling errors on the card. We have a bunch of those. See, look at that.

Where were you on that one, boar stool? That makes it a collector's item. We got a bunch of spelling errors and, like, slurs in ours. Not here, folks. That's RU Garbage. Slur free. Our questions started, like, you know, ten years ago. So there are words that are, like, phased out.

That's fantastic. So what's the number one thing you can do that makes you an F word? How many Italians do you let in your house at once? Zero. So Are You Garbage? I've said it a million times every time these guys come on. It's the number one new podcast out there. Thank you, buddy.

And this was such a no-brainer. I'm taking over. And because it's... This was such a no-brainer. I can't even give you guys credit for it. It was so fucking obvious to do this because the series of questions you guys ask, you can come up with endless questions about people's upbringings and childhood, but these are the ones that I like. I do have a

bone to pick with you, though. The first time it came, first day it came in. Put your glasses down and I'll accept your gripe. I'm sure it's a chicken wing bone. You can't play it. You got to play it with a group or someone you're, like, not willing to fight with at any moment. I played it just me and my girlfriend one-on-one,

and it was like, you fucking, you piece of shit. I don't think that's the card game, Feidelberg. Yeah, no kidding, couscous. What the fuck? So I beat my girlfriend up because she doesn't have a refrigerator that holds meat. It was like biting tongues. I was like, you're going to argue that's not true? I'm going to let you have it, I guess.

It has been. So one of the rules of the game is that it's majority rules. That's how the pot is, too. If you can come up with enough of an argument to defend why you did something, you gotta go, okay, and it's kind of majority rules. So if you're playing with five people and you're like, this is trashy, this is classy,

if you can make an argument for it, you know, then that can sway the vote. So everybody's game is a little bit different. Right, right, right, okay. But it has been causing, people are tweeting and like, dude, this is causing fucking trouble. Like, my in-laws are like, yeah. Don't play this is causing fucking fuck. We were playing one-on-one. Don't play with your in-laws.

Dream team scrimmage. We were fucking screaming at each other. We just figured out the right answer to one of the questions that we've been going back and forth with for a year is, do you keep butter on the counter? Yeah. And Chaz Palminteri gave us the right answer. Yes. You do both.

Oh, you do both. One and one. You keep one out on the counter and he's like, I like it. Never even thought of that. He answered every question as classy as possible. We asked him where he gets his hair cut. He's like, they come to me. I'm like, oh, fuck, of course.

Of course they do. You're fucking jazzed up with your sonny. I keep my butter in the fridge. My mom keeps it on the counter, and I love it on the counter. But I just don't do it myself. I've never seen it on the counter. Oh, yeah. Eggs on the counter, and I love it on the counter. Yeah. But I just don't do it myself. I've never seen it on the counter. Oh, yeah. There's just no reason.

Eggs on the counter. Eggs on the counter. Marty keeps it in the bathroom. Where do you keep your bread? Next to my corduroys. That's a real question, though, because you keep it somewhere weird, right? I keep it in the microwave. In the microwave, yeah.

That's a... People do that, right? You live in New York, I presume, right? Yeah. That's like a New York... That's an apartment thing in the microwave. That's a... You live in New York, I presume, right? That's like a New York... That's an apartment thing. In the microwave. Just because you don't have the space? No, I had the space. It's just always was in there.

But it's such a pain. Many times I have microwave donuts on accident or something. You go to microwave a hot box and you got fucking donuts in the back. And you get to tie it in. It's fucking hard. I ruined four pairs of socks like that. It's embarrassing.

Do your thing. Let's find out. I mean, let's find out. Let's phrase it like this. Let's find out how garbage Marty is because... Yeah, I would like to get

a couple preliminary questions to the gentleman if I might have the floor. I'd like to retain my time on this. You can't even look at me like this guy's fucking something. The teeth look great though, Marty. I gotta give you that. I'm staring at you in the like this guy's fucking something else. The teeth look great, though, Mark. I gotta give you that.

I'm staring at you in the face. They're great, dude. It is funny, too, though. I would have never guessed. Some people get them and they look like fucking Gary Busey. They look good. No, you're great. Yeah, they look good.

It's funny having the rules. Like, we have rules to answer you into and nobody plays by them. You get the deck out. Sure. It's like a drinking game. It's a fucking however you want to do it. Right. Marty, I'm curious.

Where are you from? Long Island. Ooh, strike one. What was the name of the street that you grew up on? Avenue A. Avenue A? In Long Island? It makes no fucking sense.

I've been to Long Island. It's a totally normal neighborhood. Ronkonkoma. It stops after D. Ronkonkoma? Yeah, Ronkonkoma. It stops after D. All right.

That's fucking trash, man. And you got a letter name in the burbs? No Pike, no Boulevard, no Lane, nothing like that? Avenue A. What do you think the classiest fucking one is? Place is nice. Circle. Circle is nice.

Way is pretty good. Way is pretty good. Circle is nice. Circle. You ain't from the circle, Mark. You're getting a good dinner at your friend's house and going to the circle. That's where you go trick-or-treating on the circle. Marty used to look over the fence at a circle.

Look at that. They got the whole thing. The whole circle. Not even a half. I look at cul-de-sacs like that all the time. Oh, man. Cul-de-sacs are unbelievable. Your family's driving around to look at nice cul-de-sacs on a Friday night.

Look at this one. That was something we did when we were kids. We'd go to, like, cul-de-sacs and a Friday night. Look at this one. That was something we did when we were kids. We'd go to, like, cul-de-sacs and look at their Christmas decorations. Dude, we used to do that all the time as kids in high school. We would get stoned and drive around and look at nice houses. And, yeah, look at their Christmas decorations. I was a cul-de-sac kid. You were?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. New money. This guy's not one of us. Marty, what was the name of the grocery store your mom went to growing up? Meat Farms. This guy's trash. Yeah, Meat Farms. All right, listen.

We've had a good time. You guys are fucking fantastic. April 20th to 21st, come and see me. Yeah, we're going to be down in Raleigh and Zanies. Did you say Meat Farm? Yeah, Meat Farms. Is there multiples of those? That sounds like where Ron Swanson fucking got his first movie.

Yeah, it sounds like a Sam Raimi movie or something like that. It sounds like it's in the back of a van, to be honest with you. Yo, Meat Farms is out front. Get your cash. Hey, it's Tony from Meat Farms. I got the day old you asked for, Mr. Bush. Meat Farms. It's unbelievable.

You could bring your chicken and get it sliced thin. Oh, you can't? Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get a glass of champagne from Marty over here, please? What the fuck? Bring your own chicken. No, you don't bring your own chicken. Don't you like your chicken sliced thin?

I've never sliced chicken, though. Like chicken breast? Yeah, like chicken cutlets. Oh, okay. What do you mean? I didn't know. I thought you meant like in a deli slicer. No, it's a guy. It's a guy with a big-ass knife. He'll wear an army hat. It's like how Marty's dying on this hill.

He's got a knife. He's like, wow, I used to do it with a fork. Wait a minute. Explain this to me. What do you mean? Like you go there and you buy chicken. Yeah, and then you go to the guy with the army hat, and he's in the back, and he just slices it up.

I don't think he's a general. I don't think he's enlisted. You meet the guy with the army hat. You meet the guy in the Army, yeah. You meet the guy with one arm, no teeth. Oh, really? Cut your chicken nice for you. 20 years, he always had the same hat. He didn't even work there.

I know. Kid, I told you five times, get out of here, all right? Hey, buddy, where you going with that chicken? Holy shit, meat farm. Now, buddy, where you going with that chicken? Holy shit. Meat farm. Now, is that a chain or... It's like a small chain. There are a couple out there. You know what? I think Whole Foods is buying that.

That's the best answer I've ever heard. Where's your mom go to the grocery store? Meat farm. Not even the meat farm. It's over there on Avenue Z. Oh, that's beautiful. All right. I think we have enough to proceed.

Maybe one more, just to add a curiosity before we get to the cards, is what did you get on your SATs? It's a loaded question. It's a loaded question? Yeah. Marinara sauce. Mine was out of, like, was it 2,400? It's a loaded question. It's a loaded question? Yeah. So. Marinara sauce. Mine was at like, what is it, 2,400?

So the first time I got like a 1,400, pretty bad. But then I went back the second time and it's a valid Victorian. What's valid Victorian? Wait, what? The number one guy in your class. It's not a valid Victorian. It's not a person's name. Valedictorian. Sure. I thought it was Valedictorian.

I got to get new teeth. His whole thing's a setup. Is this the guy in the army hat? Was he the Valedictorian? So I sat next to him and I went back in sections and I got a 1950. Oh, nice. Did you cheat off of him? Yeah, I cheated off of him, but then they in sections and I got a 1950. Oh, nice. Did you cheat off of him? Yeah, I cheated off him, but then they sent me like I got to go to court.

They caught me. They're like, you cannot go up that many points. And they asked me to go to court. And my dad's like, what is the square root of 32? Either you have to retake it and show that you can do it. Fuck that. Holy shit. I got lucky, boss.

Who catches a case on their SATs? That's what I said. What? I didn't get it back. My dad's like, I wasn't going to court. You didn't cheat. I was like, eh. Dad, dad, dad.

Yeah. No, I don't know what I would have done in court. I cannot believe it's a real thing. So what ended up happening? I took the zero. I would have cracked in court. You see? I can't do prison time. This kid would have gave up everybody. I'm the zero. I would have cracked in court, you see. I can't do prison time.

This kid would have gave up everybody. I'm too pretty. I'm too pretty to go to jail. Holy shit. Well, the first time we ever got the answer of zero. It's tough. I got caught cheating on my regents. They made me shovel.

They made me weed whack with a shovel. What's your regents? Regents like a New York state test. Yeah, state test. Why would the penalty be weed whacking? They made me clean up around the school. They gave me a shovel to weed whack. If you cheated on this test, you're probably going to be doing some blue collar work.

Hey, listen, we're doing you a favor, kid. You might want to familiarize yourself with a blower. Marty also owns a bird. Okay. Bird people are weird people. I'm sorry. One of the best moments of Barstool history when he was a new guy. He was trying to make waves and make a name. Okay. Bird people are weird people. I'm sorry. One of the best moments in Barstool history

when he was a new guy, he was trying to make waves and make a name for himself. Yankees playoff game, everyone's at the old office watching the game. And who were they playing? Yankee Sox.

Red Sox, yeah. So he comes all the way in from Ronkonkoma. He travels with his bird on a broomstick. It perches on the end. You're on the subway with the bird? Yeah. So he's, so yeah. It doesn't on the end. You're on the subway with the bird?

So, yeah. It doesn't fly away? It's tight. That's a good... See, thank you. I didn't know it flew. It's Marty's bird. He doesn't know he can fly away.

I was live streaming once, and it fucking smashed its head against the wall. It's unbelievable. I'll show it to you later. It's unreal. Anyway, the fucking elevator's like, ding! And he steps off, and he's he's like, rally birds here!

And the Red Sox were up like, hang nothing. It was the second inning and the game was a fucking blowout. I'm here, guys! And it was like, done. See you later. It was amazing. You still have the bird now? There's the bird.

There's the bird. Oh, yeah. Do we have volume on it? Is this the one where he bites him or something? Yeah. Yeah, you got to get some volume. It almost breaks its neck on the fucking wall. The volume of it hitting the wall is unbelievable.

Rudy, right? Rudy's his name? Yeah. Yeah, Rudy. I mean, yeah, you got to just fucking slaughter this thing. He'll outlive all of us. They live for 85 years. I like how the broom you've chosen is the trashiest fucking broom I have ever seen in my life.

What are they called, quickies or something like that? Swifter. Do you hear that smack? That's the bird flying to the wall. Give him a crown molding, though. I'll give you that. You got some crown molding in the joint. Listen to the smack.

Do we have the headphones on? If you taste it, you got the 11 o'clock sleep. It doesn't stop. Ow! Ow! Ow! Aw! Is he okay, though? He's good.

He's chilling. He's chilling. He had to get new teeth. Holy shit! He had to get a new beak. So, yeah, I mean, it's officially gone. No, yeah, I'm the biggest garbage person. Fantastic.

You drink milk with dinner? No, I don't. I'm not a big... I like what cereal. I separate the milk. I don't like garbage person. Fantastic. You drink milk with dinner? No, I don't. I'm not a big... I like what cereal. I separate the milk. I don't like things getting saggy. Oh, he also eats Oreos in the shower. Wait, hold on.

I'm sorry. You separate the milk and the cereal? Yeah, I take a bite of dry cereal and sip it down with some milk. I don't like it getting saggy in the bowl. Who are you? This guy. He's an agent of chaos. Oh, my God. I feel like I'm in the upside down right now.

I mean, yesterday I talked to Chaz Palminteri, now I'm talking to Marty fucking Mush. Wait a minute. Marty, did you do this when you were a kid? Yeah, I never, not once. Your mom was okay with that? Marty would get his bowl of fucking... She was too busy at the meat farm. And you would take it...

I still do it. Dry cereal would take it. I still do. Dry cereals. Can I go grab a shower? And I'm telling you, put a little water on your Oreo. You'll fucking love it. It's disgusting. That's insane. I've tried it.

I ran it under the thing. I've tried it. I would just dunk it in milk. Yes. Like a fucking gentleman. It's just a better option. Your fork move with the Oreos was fucking legendary. That was banana.

That was a game changer. Your fingers don't get cold? When I dunk, I'll put my fingers in the fucking milk. How cold's your milk? Fingers not getting cold? What? You do that to not get the Oreo shit on your fingers. Your fingers don't get cold.

There's a plethora of reasons. Also, it breaks. It can break if you hold it too long. But when the filling gets hard and the outside gets mushy, good night. The Oreo's tough to beat, man. You know what's crazy? With the fork, I eat like triple the amount. I don't know if it's just that, like, I'll put down a box. Well, the speed.

There's more speed. It's fucking life-threatening. It's more efficient. It's time to check ketchup. That's what I'm noticing more and more as I get older, that my self-control is so off that I can eat a box of cereal in one shot, and I'm getting yelled at for it. I can go through four or five. Yeah, it's the age. I don't know why we keep blaming all these things on the age.

As I get older. Well, the governor's going off. Buddy, the governor's off. Have you noticed that double stuff does not have as much stuff as it used to have? It doesn't. The Big Mac has gotten smaller, too. I'm fucking on these fuckers. It really has, man.

Your hands are getting bigger. I think as America's got the obesity problem, they've started to sneakily change things. They start to pull that back on that stuff. I was looking at the double stuff. I was like. Yeah. McDonald's and Oreo felt real bad. Everyone's getting fat.

Well, guys, this one might be on us. Let's take some of this free mouth. Let me tell you what happened. I bought a box of fuck... Or whatever you call them. A bag, I guess, of... What is that? It's not really a bag.

A tray. A tray of Oreos. And it had a purple... It had a purple thing, which is the Double Stuff color, you know? But then it was regular Oreos, but it was like Lady Gaga brand or some shit like that. And I was like, fuck! Now I got regular Oreos. But I opened that. And I was like, fuck, I got regular Oreos. But I opened them up and I was like, this kind of looks like the same amount as like double stuff.

And then I got some double stuff and I'm looking at them and I'm like, they're fucking around with the stuff. Maybe they increased the single stuff. Yeah. To make it look like the double stuff. Right. And they did that before the mega stuff. And then the mega stuff came out.

I think what it is. Maybe that's it. Yeah. I think what it is, is in order for them to pass certain things with the FDA, they had to pull it back a little bit because there was too much shit in there. You know what I mean? And then the mega stuff. These guys, he likes it.

Just fat guy conspiracy theories. Marty, I've been working this case for two years. There I was outside of Oreo's headquarters. He goes on the conspiracy guy. He's got a triple B balance out with like three Oreos. Check out my podcast. Big fan. I wonder if you want to get into the fucking Oreos.

Check out my podcast, The Oreo Effect. I can see you pulling a stick like, so Nabisco. I'm going to compare for you. I'm very deep in. Mr. Krabs is a scumbag. Who's Mr. Krabs? That's his conspiracy. That's SpongeBob.

Come on. He's too old for that. I know SpongeBob. You don't know SpongeBob. I don't know SpongeBob. I know. I didn't go to high school with him or anything like that. But I watch.

I enjoy the program. I like a Doug just as much as the next guy. Let's do some voicemails with the boys. Sure. Yeah. We'll do a little. Rob, a few questions from us. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do a quick couple here. Does your family use bacon bits? No. No. Bacon bits. Bacon bits. We have bacon bits in our apartment.

Not mine. In your apartment now? In the 90s, I'll give you a pass, but you're buying Bacon Bits in 2021? Did they come with the apartment? Is Bacon Bits a brand? It's like Band-Aids. We have a thing. I don't even know what she puts on.

Yeah, there's Bacon Chunks. Is that gas? No, I mean in my current apartment. Not mine there's bacon chunks. Like that? No, no, no. I mean in my current apartment. Yeah. Not mine. Your lady gets bacon bits? I think they're classy.

You think classy? Yeah. Wait, because you put them on an iceberg salad? Yeah, iceberg salad with a little red dressing, some shredded cheese. You know what? Actually, you're making a good... No, stop. He just makes food sound good.

That's his whole point. He is good at that. Yeah, he's good at... You go, oh, that sounds good. All right. No just makes food sound good. That's his whole ploy. He is good at that. Yeah, he's good at it. You go, oh, that sounds good. All right. No. His eyes light up. I got to get you back in reality here.

You guys all have bacon bits in your pockets also? What the fuck? This guy is good. Did you use colored Christmas lights? Yes, for sure. Are you Italian? It's a big guinea thing. We had colored Christmas lights on the tree, white Christmas lights outside.

Right. That makes sense. White? White's classy big guinea thing. On the tree, white Christmas lights outside. Right. That makes sense. White? White's classy. The white lights are classy. The candle in the window, the single. You know what? I used to live in Valley Forge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we used to do the bags. The bags. That's as classy as it gets. The bags on the tree. You've got to get the whole neighborhood on the same page. You know what? I think one year, when we first moved, we didn't know what was up.

And we were the trash from the Bronx. I'm sure. And we was like, they must be Jewish. It was like, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, lights, black. Lights, lights, lights, lights, lights. I was like, oh, man, no Christmas at this house. Now they do the projectors.

The lazy people do the projectors. Yeah, those things are pretty trash. That and the blow-up ornaments out on the lawn. The fan running. Yeah, you hear that going the whole time? What the fuck? I've never heard of the projector. I actually just moved to it. Oh, I was thinking you would project

lights onto a bush or something like that. Yeah, they have that. Instead of having to go up on the roof and do all that shit, you just have a little projector that you put in the lawn facing the house and it makes noise. It's trash. I'd burn that house down. I wouldn't even think twice about it.

Alright. I wouldn't even talk about it. Just Christmas lights, Feidelberg. How about writing a letter to the homeowners association? Guys, shit himself eating co-cuckoos and he's gonna go to the city. I will say that as like a shitty

dad. Well, we all saw your Christmas tree. You're fucking garbage. You used like a Mets beach towel to cover the bottom of it. Yeah, that was a tough look. Well, like, okay. Full-size candles.

Let's say in the next couple years, let's say I get a house or some shit that I've got to decorate, and you're telling me that I've either got to like hop up on the ladder with a fucking staple gun and like put the lights up there,

or I could just like plug something in and have the light i would think you would be a light if i had a pretty good guess which one you like come on do you even own a ladder no no i've actually i don't leave the ground i told you i've been emailing my super for the better part of two months now being like hey can you come over and change lights is that a crazy thing to do because we have ceilings. I just can't get to my ceiling. Yeah, I think to change light bulbs in your apartment, yeah, that's on you. I had to buy a ladder. Where the fuck do I

keep a ladder? I got one. No, we just had to buy one for the studio. It's like our only asset. That was 60 bucks. Wait a minute. Final part. How high are your ceilings? You've been in the apartment. 10 foot, 20 foot? 20 foot? I would say they're... What, do you live in a cathedral?

I would guess 15 feet. 20 foot, what's an IHOP? Right? 15 feet maybe? I mean, I can't remember. 12 feet. I mean, there's no way your New York City apartment has 15 foot ceilings. It's a weird building. I would say asking the super is okay.

If it's over 10 feet... You've got to grease them. It's not his... You'd be like, hey, I'll grease them. Oh, yeah, you've got to grease them. You've got to grease your super for's not his. You'd be like, hey, I'll grease them. Oh, yeah, you've got to grease them. You've got to grease your super force? To change your light bulbs? Honestly, I even said, like, you don't have the chain of boots.

Is there a ladder in the building I can use? I'm not like, come over and do it. It is impossible for me to reach my ceiling. It can't be done. I think, though, I get what you're saying, but I think something in your apartment, I think kind of, unless it's like a broken thing, broken piece of shit. He should have a ladder he can give you. Like my super, I'll be like, hey, I need a ladder.

You're not the first guy to ask to change a light bulb over there. I can take it out. You know, this is only, by the way, because his girlfriend is asking to fix him. Because otherwise, I know him, he would just live in the dark. He would just use his fucking... His little helmet on. He would get home and just turn on his iPhone and just like... Oh, I've showered in the dark many, many times.

I've moved out of apartments because the lights ran out. My brother only showers in the dark. What? Like nothing. Like he says like... There's more of you? They are. At least the one.

Is one on? One, yeah. Identical. Wow. Showers with the lights off. Not like never, ever has a light on. Why? Just loves the aesthetics. I like that. Kind of light on. Why? Just loves the aesthetics.

I like that. I do like casual vibes. I've done dark showers before. I got the red light in my bathroom. I love that. Why?

The heat lamp type thing? It's fucking there, Foley. What are you, developing film? It's supposed to be one hour photo, you creep, but it doesn't really work.

Yeah, if you ever want to sweat while taking a shit, it's a bathroom decoration for you. One more rip from the Ari Garbage Car Game. Yeah, we'll do one more. Have you ever cooked bacon in the microwave?

Yeah. For sure. It's the best, man. It's the fucking best. I really have no problem with that. If you get the right strips down to the right minutes, it's delicious. It's perfect. It's perfect.

It's trash. It's trash. And you can just dump it right down the drain Can you at least Oven is the best though right Well to me this is debatable I'm a skillet kind of guy It's fatty and it's rubbery

And it fucking gets everywhere It gets everywhere The oven takes too long I ain't got fucking preheat time on my hands I'm trying to make some scrambies and hit the fucking bricks But if you want to make it the best way, the best is young. I understand. It's a

comparable solution. I'll give you that. Okay, fine. Hit the scrambies, hit the bricks. Much like that one. Get some scrambies and hit the bricks. Alright, Am I the Asshole featuring RU Garbage. A little A-I-T-I featuring A-Y-G. it's brought to you by uh

nitsa the national highway traffic safety administration where they're here to tell you that trains can't stop you can stop i got a question for you yeah okay let's say uh i'm a 32 year old male and i was driving and i thought i could beat a train but i don't like i ended up getting a little bit of an accident would you say say I'm an asshole? I would say you are the asshole. The asshole. You would say, so who's the asshole here? The guy driving the train who was on a track going a zillion miles an hour who can't move or stop? Or the guy in a car who can just wait for like 10 seconds for a locomotive to pass by?

You think you're tougher than a train? A fucking train? Really? You think you're faster than a train? A fucking train? What are you, Superman? Faster than a speeding locomotive to pass by. You think you're tougher than a train? A fucking train? Really? You think you're faster than a train? A fucking train? What are you, Spider-Man? Faster than a speeding locomotive? No.

So just stop. Think about it. The train is so fast that it could rail through you and kill you. That also means the train is so fast, it's going to be gone in like 10 seconds. So just stop the car, hop on your phone for 30 seconds. It's a fun time. Look at Instagram. Find a beautiful girl on social media.

Listen to the podcast. Look up our tweets. Whatever you do, for a mere 30 seconds, the train will be gone, and you're on your merry way. There's one person on this planet Earth who's allowed to try and beat trains. His name is Dominic Toretto. If you're not Dominic Toretto, fucking sit your ass in park. Let the train go through.

Yeah, I know. and beat trains. His name is Dominic Toretto. If you're not Dominic Toretto, fucking sit your ass in park, let the train go through. Yeah, I know. I can't believe that this is such a problem, that they need to have a podcast campaign. You know? Jesus Christ. You know, you're really running low on society here. I'm really not too high on humanity if we need these ads,

but hey, we do. You can stop. The trains can't. So even if you think you can beat it, even if it's far enough away, you can't. Just stop and let the trains go by. The train can't stop about a mile after it hits you. Alright, am I the asshole with the Garbage Boys and Marty Mush

here? Alright, so I'll read through the scenario. You tell me whose side you're on. This one sounds like a doozy. 34 female. I jokingly agreed to let my boyfriend, 34-year-old male, no, no, no, to let my best friend. So 34-year-oldly agreed to let my boyfriend, 34-year-old male, no, no, to let my best friend. So 34-year-old girl agrees to let her 34-year-old friend, girl, give her husband a blowjob if he lost weight.

Now he's lost weight, and I'm not so sure he knows that I was joking. So six months ago, we ended up discussing rewards that we could use to motivate ourselves. If I lost up to 10 kilograms. All right, so we're overseas, boys. Isn't it? Suck my peck, isn't it? Well, so it is then. Where's Bob coming around?

So she gets to go on a shopping spree if they lost the weight or go away for a weekend with the girls, etc., etc. His ideas, on the other hand, were all sex-based. Basically, his libido is sky-high. Try to fuck Foley's mom. I want to get me coke sucked. He was throwing out a reward system like, if I lose one kilogram, I get one blowjob. Now, I don't know about the ladies on here,

but blowjobs are a firm no from me. I'm not a fan, never been a fan. I won't become a fan. Although she wants to fuck other people. Sounds like a horrible relationship. How about a reward I want a new girlfriend? I just really hate dick. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. She says at best he gets one per year,

maybe on your birthday. You know it's not a good one either. She just puts it in her mouth and sits there for a bit. So she says, there's no way I'm sucking your dick 10 times if you lose 10 kilos. Well, then in our group chat, my husband and my best friend. What fucking hell that must be. Also, a kilo isn't that much. 10 kilos is like 3 pounds or something. Wait, really? I don't know. The other way around, that must be. Also, a kilo isn't that much. 10 kilos is like three pounds or something.

Wait, really? I don't know, but it is. It's the other way around, right? Whatever. Who's on trial here? Get back to this dumb whore, will you? I would like to disagree. A kilo's a lot.

Yeah, well, you're 9,000 of them. In certain circumstances, it's a real lot. It's a felony, as a matter of fact, to be honest with you. Kilos are no joke. They put you away for 20 years. 22 pounds. What is it? 22 pounds.

What? One kilo? 10 kilos. 10 kilos, 22 pounds. So it's a decent chunk of jam. Well, fuck me then. He says, quote, he wouldn't be so fat if I was willing to help. We joked about it for a bit, then basically said, so, best friend,

if wife isn't prepared to help, how about you? If I lose 10 kilograms, will you help a mate out? She said, yeah, sure, but only if your wife agrees. I was like, sure, best friend. You can take one for the team as long as I don't have to do it, LOL. Well, I guess we know where it's going here. So she won't suck his dick, and now she's going to get pissed off if somebody else will suck his dick.

He just wants a hummer, man. That's all this fucking bastard wants. I'll tell you what this guy should do. Just suck this fat bastard's dick and make him happy. This guy should put on 30 pounds, dump this fucking broad, and start dating the fucking best friend where he gets his dick sucked without having a little. Yeah. All right? Yeah, for real.

Next case. I mean, I can't. Yeah, that's an asshole move. To sum it up, you're the asshole. But I also do have to take this fucking prude bitch's side. This is not a serious thing. Of course, yeah. You can't expect your wife's best friend to start sucking your dick.

The relationship's over. The problem's there. The problem's before that. This guy's going, hey, I just want a blowjob. If I improve my life, can I have a blowjob? And she's going, no. And he's going, well, how about you? Just like the male brain takes over.

You're like, will anybody blow me? And he's going to get in trouble, too, because now that she's going to be like, oh, you were going to let her suck your dick. Oh, yeah, she'll hold it over. This relationship is over. No fat guy. Just break up now. Yeah, no fat guy is getting anything outside their relationship. Unless you're DJ Khaled.

All right? You're not just getting a random dick suck. You know what I mean? It just doesn't work like that. Skinny and shaped guys, they can maybe get away with that. Like, yeah, my friend fucked his dick. It was okay. What do you mean?

Yeah, he's not getting his dick sucked is what you're asking. Fat guys, they don't get a lot of rats? No. A lot of rats. It's all animals. Dog and rats. Christ. What lot of rats. It's all animals. Dogging rats. Christ. What finishing school did Marty go to?

Dogging around rats. Long Island Community. Nassau Community College. Mom, eat my new rat. Am I the asshole for snitching on a co-worker for spitting on a customer's food? I work at a popular train restaurant. Last Saturday was a stressful day. We were extremely busy.

One of my co-workers, let's call her Tanya. Sure. Totally her name. Let's call her by her government name, Miss Tanya Jenkins. Social security number? She was in an especially bad mood due to the amount of customers assigned to her section. The issue started when one of her customers ordered chicken strips with buffalo sauce on the side. Tanya was walking her tray of food out.

The sauce dish tipped over, spilled some buffalo sauce onto her fries and baked potato. I'm guessing she didn't think it was a big deal to have the hot sauce on your potatoes. Fries and baked potato? She brought it to the customer. What establishment was this? That was fucking payday. I can carload? Let's go.

I'm going to need an address on this. That would be a Foley moment if I've ever seen one, man. Fries and baked. The customer eventually called her back and asked for new fries and a new potato because she didn't want

buffalo all over it. She was complaining about spoiled people washing the food at her work. The cook makes a new food. Tanya was walking out of the kitchen, stuck her tongue out and spit little flecks of spit all over the customer's food.

Spit with your tongue out. I kind of like that. That's a real intention. She said she was shocked. I was even more surprised she did it during a pandemic. Yeah, that's true. Non-pandemic, fair game. send food back, you're rolling the fucking dice I mean, I think

I only ever send a dish back in my entire life But if you fucking spill sauce all over my entire meal It's like, hey, could you just not have done that? It doesn't matter Here's the correct answer It doesn't matter what the problem was We have a certain understanding. You can't fucking be spitting in people's fucking food.

We're living in a society. You never did it? All your years waiting tables? Dude, get the fuck out of here. Spitting in somebody's food? That's like criminal. It's fucked up, man. Yeah, but don't ask me.

Do you think it's done as often as TV makes it seem? I think it is. No, I don't think. I mean, I've worked in restaurants. Never saw it? Never saw it? Yeah, yeah. You've worked in a nice restaurant.

You've got to be a real fucking... I didn't know he could talk. What the fuck? Is he recording this? You got to be a real piece of shit. You know what I mean? I think most people have a soul, and they're like, yeah. You can't do that.

I've done restaurants, I've done catering, I've done bartending, I've never considered fucking spending someone's money. No, I think she's 100% right to fucking dime her out. Come on, man.

Yeah, I mean, that's fucking crazy. That is next level like deplorable behavior. Dude, a pandemic, a pandemic too. I think at any point it is,

it is not allowed. You're a piece of shit. You're a real fucking scumbag. Also, when people's, I will, in a barber chair or if I'm at like restaurant, you could punch me in the face. It doesn't matter. I will go with anything.

I'm largely with you. I don't like the bone. I mean, look, if I got this tray, I'd eat it. I'd have no problem eating it. But if there was maybe a different sauce that got on a food that just doesn't make any sense, that sauce would be on that food, I'd be like, I don't know. Maybe I'd eat around it. I don't know. I've never sent something back. But that one, I'd be like, because it doesn't even seem sense that food would be on that. That sauce would be on that food. I'd be like, I don't know. I just don't really want it. Maybe I'd eat around it. I don't know. I've never sent something back.

But that one, I'd be like, because it doesn't even seem like that big a deal. I'm not insulting you. That's the thing that I'm saying. It's not on you. It doesn't matter what you complain about. That's the fucking line. What you do is you pivot and you go, oh, can we add a side of whatever? You're not replacing it.

So you get an extra side that you can eat. So you're like, I'm not going to eat the baked potato or the fries. You can go like, hey, can I get a side of fucking mozzarella sticks or whatever? There you go. You got your side and you can move on. It's more classy to spit in someone's face than spit in their food behind their back. Right. Do it to my face. Yeah, let's do this. Yeah, we can have a fight.

Say fuck you, get out or something like that. Curse them out and you lose your job or whatever. But doing that shit, that's opening up a real bad door. Let me just do one more here because this jumped out at me. I don't even know where it's going. My 20, me, my 25. All right.

My 23-year-old girlfriend of one year has become obsessed with proving that Phil Ivey, professional poker player. Shout out to Phil Ivey, big fan. Was actually a professional NBA player. Oh, my God. I'm not really even sure where to start with this one. I've been with my girlfriend for a year now, fan. Was actually a professional NBA player. Oh, my God. I'm not really even sure where to start with this one. I've been with my girlfriend for a year now,

and it's been a very good relationship. We never fight. We get along great. She's never had something like this happen before, so it's bizarre. I don't even know what to say or where to turn. This all started about two weeks ago. We're both basketball fans, but not overtly. I would say I'm a poker fan,

but I used to watch poker on ESPN as a kid. So, one, Phil Ivey is a pro poker player who famously started playing casinos at 16 with a fake ID. And two, he never played in the NBA. I asked her who her dad's favorite player was because it came up the other night in the conversation, and she responded with Phil Ivey. I was caught off guard, and I said, the poker player? And she laughed and said, no, the basketball player. I said, I'm pretty sure Ivey is a poker player.

I pulled up a picture of him and asked if this is who she meant. She said, yes. And I said, he's a poker player. He didn't play in the NBA. She kind of laughed it off and said she was sure of it. At this point, I kind of assumed she had a misunderstanding with her dad or something was wrong. The next morning, she happily showed me a picture of Phil Ivy in a basketball jersey. Oh, he did.

Sitting at a poker table. Yeah, sitting at a poker table. And she said, see, look, you played in the NBA. At this point, I thought she was just trolling me or something weird. So I asked her if she and her dad were running some sort of gag on me. She kind of got mad at me and said that it was her dad's favorite player and she knows better than me, so just drop it. I thought it was over, but then she's been using my laptop since hers broke.

And when I went on today, I went to search something in Google, and the last seven searches were all variation of Phil Ivey NBA. She doesn't seem mad now, but she talks constantly about how she knows he played in the NBA. I showed her his Wikipedia page. She keeps bringing it up. She's now obsessed with proving that Phil Ivey is in the NBA trying to find some sort of evidence. I mean, girls are the fucking worst. I mean, just goddamn.

How does this fight continue after one single Google search? That's just it. I could tell you my dad's favorite NBA player. It's Larry Bird. But largely, I couldn't tell you my parents' favorite anything. And if you were to say, I don't know who my dad's favorite player is, or I just got it wrong. I messed it up.

Why would you get so fucking dedicated to being like, I know. Also, at what point are you like i'm the the whole internet's wrong i do know what i'm talking about like one google search i'd be like oh yeah i fucked it up never mind yeah you gotta be in some like truman show shit where you're like no the world's like conspiring against of course no no no i'm right you googled if say phil ivy was in the nba yeah you know some there would be a picture of him like you know shooting or fucking dunking or something. They're all him at a card table wearing a basketball jersey.

And people who are in the NBA don't wear basketball jerseys around when they're not on the court. You know what I mean? They're not in the fucking supermarket or the fucking meat farm getting their fucking cutlass done wearing their own jersey. I think so. I think like Alex Caruso, you don't know if he is one. He should wear one. I mean, it I think like Alex Caruso. You don't know if he is one. He should wear one. I mean, it's fun convincing people. I convinced my little cousin, Carlos Delgado,

was my cousin. It's like one of the best things to really find more facts of what could go in your favor. That one was tough, but I made it work. He still thinks. Marty's got a lot of time on his hands. And something tells me Marty's cousin's not too hard to fool. To be honest with you.

If you're coming from the mush family, you're an easy target. Let's get into our voicemails. Along with the gang, it's brought to you by Revitalite. We've got a brand new flavor of Revitalite here at Barstool Sports, and I'm proud of us. Because anytime I used to drink sports drinks, energy drinks, recovery drinks, everybody knows that the blue flavor is the best flavor. And along comes Barstool

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We've got the Berry Blast, it's called. We've got the Black Label, it's called. So Revitalite Black Label. Classy. Are you garbage? If you drink anything other than the Black Label Revitalite, you are garbagio. So be all high high society all high falutin get that black label revitalite it pairs delicious with uh your your night caps and maybe

a little bit of snack you can mix and match that with your drink you can drink it for your hangover you can drink it for while you're drinking hydrate while you enjoy yourself for the night uh or you can just drink it straight because honestly it's's just a delicious drink. So make sure you get the Revitalite Black Label brought to you by Barstool Sports. You can pick up Black Label in store or online at the Barstool Sports store. And right now, if you tag us or tweet at us with at drink Revitalite in the morning after or on your stories, we'll repost you and you can show us rehydrating with Revitalite. Once again, go to the Barstool Sports Store and buy the Revitalite black label. It's the new Barstool Revitalite flavor that has 33% more electrolytes than the original product.

So our Barstool shit is even more hydration and more prebiotics for maximum recovery and the perfect complement for when you're a little rough and rowdy. Let's do a couple voicemails with Marty and the RU Garbage guys. I'll just play these. I got to come to the TV. Okay, cool. All right. Beautiful.

How do I look, Nicky? You're throwing at me. Good. Keep going. Yo, KFC fights Nick Jackie. Would you rather have no feet or not be able to tell the difference between elderly people and children? Boy, we're throwing the boys to the fire on this one.

Oh, shout out to Marty's brother for calling in. Shout out to Mikey, boy. No feet. Would you rather it was? You either have no feet. Yeah. This one is... Can we ease into them with a little bit?

This is crazy easy. Yeah, I have my answer right away. Right away. Well, I'm not losing my feet. Yeah, because I treat elderly people and children the same way. I'm not trying to fuck either one of them, so it doesn't matter if I know who's who. As long as I know what an adult is, I'm fine.

What's the advantage? I like to fuck with both of them too I'm annoyed by them and I talk to them it doesn't matter I'm superior to both of them there's another similar type question would you rather have no feet or you can't tell the difference between

a baby and a donut so sometimes you go to eat a donut and it's like I can cut out donuts I can cut out donuts. I can cut out babies. He's going to lose his feet anyway. I'm really letting the fat jokes on, but we're like two hours in.

Come on. I mean, I only got so much in me. Put that up front. Let that be the teaser. Yeah, I wouldn't want to lose my feet. I guess I got to run. Eat some salad. What if I got to run from a cab again? What if the cab driver's the baby? I don't know.

I got no feet and I can't tell who I'm ripping off. Man, that was a weird question. Yeah, let's go. What the fuck are you guys doing over here? What's up, guys? On one of the recent pods, you guys were talking about that AT& like, a terrible commercial for, like, constipation or something like that, or would you rather look really bad but be in, like, a sweet luxury commercial like Lincoln or one of those perfume coming out of the water beach sexy ads? Yeah. So, like, real hot, bad commercial or real ugly sweet commercial uh viva

now i mean there are those people who are like you know doing commercials for like herpes and stuff like that where it's like you're trying to become an actor and you take what you can get but you're like the face of fucking cold sores uh those pay good money though oh yeah but i'm also assuming i'm thinking here these nice commercials would be ones that are getting run a lot. Yeah. So you're all over the place. Like, the commercials are, you see them all the time, and it's like, oh, you look terrible in that one. I look terrible now.

So, like, yeah, I'll take the fucking looking good in anything. Yeah, yeah, right? Oh, see, I look terrible now. I'd rather be, I'd be like, look, I know what I look like. I own fucking mirrors. Like, I think there's not, if you, likeoshopped me and put me in this fucking nice commercial, I would just know that's not what I look like. And then I would just be disappointing to everyone else.

I'd meet some girls. Oh, you're the guy from the commercial. We'd meet on Tinder or whatever. I'd show up and she'd be like, that's not what you look like. I just live life trying not to disappoint people. And guess who you are? You're failing us, my friend. What is the worst commercial you could be in? I just live life trying not to disappoint people. And guess who you are. You're failing us, my friend.

What is the worst commercial you could be in? Worst? You've been in some commercials, no? I've been in some. I thought I was in a porn at one point. In a porn? I thought I was. I went in to play.

That's what the ad said. I played something on a history channel. I didn't know what it was. I said yes to it. I used to lie on resumes to get places. You? That's just a resume you're describing. I used to lie about my job, about history to get new jobs. Who did you play on the History Channel?

It was like the real life of like Stranger Things. Like our government used to fucking whack kids with no families, and they used to stick them with things. I was that guy. Talk about the role you were born for, Marty. The weird thing is there was no cameras. And my bird told me to do it. Fucking son of Marty over here.

House of Cards. Yeah, House of Cards. Ah, nice. Before the bad stuff. Yeah, well, you know. Well, before we knew about the bad stuff. The bad stuff was going on well before that. He's the reason I'm here, too.

Yeah? Yeah, that's the reason. Well, before we knew about the bad stuff. The bad stuff was going on well before that. He's the reason I'm here, too. Yeah? Yeah, that's the reason why I got, like, an interview. Because he asked me how I peel my bananas. Who asked you how you peel your bananas? Kevin Spacey. I'm just like, I can't. Kevin Spacey asked you how you peel your bananas? And then that got you to Barstool?

Yeah, that's what my email. Kevin Spacey once asked me. It is really easy to get a job here. What are you guys, you guys have an HR department? what the fuck? have you ever had a grapefruit? we did Barstool Idol for a couple years what was it, Make-A-Wish or something?

basically, I remember now granted he got lucky because we knew gambling was going to be legalized that was coming down the pike and Dave was keeping an eye on him because he wanted this whack pack of idiots who gamble I was like perfect, but I was on the panel of judges and remember being like, what the fuck is this guy going to do? He was like, yeah, my name's Martin. I don't know what I do.

He's like, I'm unlucky. You told me if we hire this guy, he's going to steal all our laptops. I'll never forget that. That's a home run. You said yes, so I don't care. I kept my hand on my cell phone this whole time. It looks like he's got sticky fingers. What would be the worst commercial?

Like, you know, constipation, cold sores. But do you, like, remember those? Preparation H. I wouldn't, like, recognize them. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to recall any of that. I feel like within your circle, I don't think you would walk into a place and someone would be like,

hey, the Preparation H guy. But your friends would be like, hey, Mr. Hemorrhoids. I wouldn't mind about that. If it was an ointment, I would do an ointment, a cream. But if it's herpes, I would have to be like,

I got to talk to my fucking mom. I don't like the way you say ointment. I'm not talking to anybody. If it's a national fucking spot, I don't care if it's fucking come on my face juice. Whatever the fuck it is. That'll be on the RU Garbage Patreon. I'll shove a fucking Snickers bar up my ass if I'm getting fucking union rates on a national spot.

What are we doing here? We're coming out of a pandemic. Would you rather make it to the point that you're like selling out, let's say theaters. Sure. Not arenas, but like you're selling out like theaters, the Wilbur, that kind of shit. Or you get to be like in a serious commercial. Like we are farmers. I don't want to do that. That's a running thing? You mean like, you'd be like Flo. Right.

Or Mayhem. Yes. Mayhem. We had him on here once. We had J.K. Simmons, who is Farmers. I said, would you rather give up... You have to lose one. Your Oscar, or the Farmers commercial? And he was like, throw the fucking Oscar in the garbage. He's like, I get money off that shit. That's awesome.

But your dream as a comedian? Yeah, it would be theaters because there's fucking crazy money there and it's also like you're doing what... That's like my dream, so you're like, hey, would you... Yeah, that's my dream. Yeah, but on a series note, anything that... How much money you make on that Farmers shit. But anything that generates an audience

is, I think, is worth more than that. I mean, I'm probably with you. Everyone needs insurance. What are you talking about? How are you going to drive your car, Foley? How are you going to drive your car? What if something happens to the bird?

Who's going to pay for it? Who's going to pay for the bird? I'm serious. Who's going to pay for the bird? I could be wrong, and I could be talking out of my ass here, but I don't think Flo can show up at fucking the Gramercy Theater and pack it out. No, no, of course not. But she's got cash.

Sure. It's just a money thing. Obviously, the prestige and whatever is... Yeah, no, I would do the theaters. Yeah, 100%. The money in theaters, you'd be surprised. It's fucking cash. No, I'm not surprised.

I get it. Let's go. Yeah. We'll do one more. Took a very serious tone there. Yeah. What'd you guys make last year? Final voicemail of the day is brought to you by Truff.

Get that sauce. Okay. I'm going to be honest. I got hot sauce in my bag. Swag. Stop saying. No. John has been fucking quoting Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.

It's not Beyonce's line. It's Hillary's. It's Hillary Clinton. I will be fully honest with you. I'm going to let you know. I thought I was not going to like truffle. I have said before that I don't really like truffle flavored, but I was like, hey, I'm grateful that we have this new sponsor,

and a lot of people out there do like truffle. So I'll gladly. And I know that it's successful and it's classy and it's got the nice packaging. So I was like, you know, maybe I don't like it personally, but I have no problem endorsing it. And then we tried it because, you know, it's a sponsor. And I was like, oh, shit. I was right.

It's really good. Actually, you know what? I really usually usually the truffle taste is not my favorite thing in the world, but when you mix it with the hot sauce, it gives it just an extra bit of flavoring so that you're not just drinking. Oh, okay. I forgot I had some sandwich left over. What do you want?

Which one do you want? Come around so the camera, you're not blocking the camera. We've got the white truffle infused, the black truffle infused, and then the black truffle with hotter. So these two are hot, and then the hotter sauce. Eat that black on me. Yep. These two are hot and then the hotter sauce. There you go, bud. I mean, it is...

And this is on a barbecue chicken sandwich. Oh, yeah, baby! It's going to have some kick to it. It comes in these nice, classy glass bottles. It comes in a nice case, almost like you're buying jewelry or something. It's got the kick to it, also uh has a nice flavoring so i'm just letting you know i'm being real about it this is a serious floor listen when when it comes to trough you know i ain't no slouch

or you're gonna get a healthy serving you could put it on all sorts of food sandwiches uh appetizers meals of any kinds chicken fries all of it it's american made it's from southern california it's uh got over 10,000 five-star reviews it's the number one best-selling hot sauce on the internet it's it is the real deal it's high class really good again again you want to you want to talk uh are you garbage you're garbage if you're just eating some generic watery hot sauce. You are class, all class, if you're ordering Truff. And right now, when you use code KFC, you can get 15% off site-wide plus free shipping at truff.com. T-R-U-F-F dot com.

Promo code KFC for 15% off plus free shipping. When was the very first time that you remember your parents, a teacher, some kind of authority figure who was much older than you telling you something and you just kind of immediately knowing that they were full of shit. So, for example, when I was in like third or fourth grade, there was some kind of real nasty kidnapping or something that happened in North Jersey, and my school bus got pulled over on the way home and through a checkpoint. You know, the cops came on the bus, you know, checked everything, made sure it was okay. I asked my mom when I got home why'd they do that, and she told me they were searching for someone's Christmas present. It was like early, mid-December. And I knew that that was absolutely incorrect. So that was the first time you remember just being downright lied to

and you figured it out. What a wild journey we just went on. Sounds like his mom's in the Gambino. I don't look at my presents. And I think she's a suspect. There's some poor kid listening to KC Radio at home being like, that was my cousin who was kidnapped. North Jersey, 1999.

Thanks for bringing that up, buddy. Sorry about your Christmas presents. When was the time that you knew your parents were lying to you? Without the kidnapping. It's basically the question. The Christmas presents remind me that my mom didn't care. My parents hide Christmas presents. Sure.

She'd be like, they're in the closet. If you want to ruin your own Christmas, go ahead. That checks out. I found out real early. I would have 100% ruined my own Christmas. Oh, 100% every time. I'd be like, all right, I'll be right back. Go to the bathroom.

And I'd just walk into her room, go in the closet, see what I got. Wait six months until I got it gifted to me. She was right. It ruined it. It sucked. Sure. My mom always lied to me because I always wanted a younger brother because I'm the youngest. And from a young age, I always asked her, why can't we have a younger brother?

And she said, because I had a shot and I can't have kids anymore. Wow. Yeah, a shot. My aunt blew that up one day driving down to the shore. She's like, a shot? The fuck are you talking about? You know, there's no such thing as a shot, Henry. What do you mean? Are you lying to him?

I'm just crying in my bathing suit. Yeah, that's a good one. That's exactly what he's talking about. It's like, no, your mom and dad just didn't love each other. No way we're bringing another one of them. It is. If you want to fuck him, go ahead. Yeah.

I love it, man. I don't know when I got... I don't know when I remember... I choose what I want to believe that will make myself believe it. Picked up on that. I live in my own world. I don't know what's going on besides... Marty's World. Welcome to Martyville, everybody.

Mayor me. Avenue 19 in Marty own world. I don't know what's going on besides Marty's World. Welcome to Martyville, everybody. Mayor me. That's literally it. I don't really... Avenue 19 in Marty's World. I remember I used to get furious that when I went to unfold my... that it would be buttoned and zippered, and I'd be like,

I have to undo the button, undo the zipper to put on the pants. And I went downstairs and I was like, what the fuck is this? It's not fuck, but what the hell is this all about? Why are my pants buttoned? Who's doing this? And my dad went, well, maybe it's easier to fold that way. And I went, well, it's you, you son of a bitch.

And I walked away. Jesus. And my mom just went, who the fuck is that? What are you, William Barr? What the fuck is that? Little kid screaming at his dad with one of his hands. It's you, you son of a bitch! I was like, alright, clearly it was you then. I just walked away.

My mom was like, yeah, he kind of got you there. You walked into that one. He wasn't really outright lying, but he was trying to deflect. I wasn't having it. He was also like, you little ungrateful piece of shit. I'm the motherfucker folding your jeans. You're coming down here bitching? The pair of like Pac. I'm the motherfucker folding your jeans. You're coming down here bitching.

The pair of Paco jeans with the band up top. I had like three buttons on too. I would have fucking beat you. I would have just beat you senseless if you were my son. God damn it. All right. Well, to all the garbage at the table here today, thank you for coming. This was fantastic.

You guys are about to wear Nashville? Yeah, we're heading out to Raleigh, North Carolina on 420. What are the Garmin boys like on the road? We'll be at Raleigh Good Nights next week. We're going to find out. This is the first kickoff of the tour. Yeah, first two shows of the tour. But you guys have been.

Yeah, we've been on the road. Yeah, yeah, of course. So the live shows are going to be like we're going to do some stand-up, and then we're going to close out the show together, like playing AYG with the audience. Because everybody wants to answer their questions. So we're going to be shitting on everybody. We dabbled in live podcasts a little bit, and I think we haven't figured out exactly what form we want to put in.

We don't want to just do the pod, kind of. Yeah, we don't want to sit there and do the pod. We'd rather make it like an interactive thing. That's a great blend of the two. Yeah, it's going to be fun. So we'll be in Raleigh and Nashville next week, 420, 421. Yeah, Tuesday and Wednesday. Raleigh, good night. It's April 20th, next Yeah, it's going to be fun. So we'll be in Raleigh and Nashville next week, 420, 421. Yeah, Tuesday and Wednesday. Raleigh, good night.

It's April 20th, next Tuesday. And then Zany's Nashville the next night, Wednesday, April 21st. We'll be there. We'll be on social. You can see. Yeah, go check out the Paz. Marty Garbage on Twitter. You can find the links to buy the tickets.

We'll put it out there on social. Thanks, buddy. Thank you. This was awesome. Marty Mush. I'm going to be in Nashville, too. Really? Oh, Mush, come through, baby.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Mush in the garbage, boys. Hit the road. I would love to have Mush. Really? What are you doing in Nashville? I'm doing something with LeBron James. Oh, yeah?

LeBron James. Yeah, he's classic. Are you really? He's unbelievable. That's awesome. How'd you track him down? He liked one of my things, so I just DM'd him. He's like, yeah.

Wow. Did he say LeBron James? LeBron. LeBron James. I was like, we're all playing it way too's like, yeah. Did he say LeBron James? LeBron. LeBron James. I was like, we're all playing it way too cool that he's hanging out with fucking LeBron James. Yeah, wait a minute. And you guys are like, oh, he reached out to you finally. Yeah, he's actually.

I'm like, what the? I know Barstool's big, but Mush shouldn't be hanging out with LeBron James. He's actually my cousin, which is weird. He thinks we're cousins. I can't wait to see Mush with a couple of Bud Lights in him. All right, boys. Great stuff. Thanks, guys. Thank you. I can't wait to see Mush with a couple of Bud Lights in him alright great stuff alright big thanks to the RU Garbage Boys and Marty Mush go check out the boys

if you're down in Nashville we'll tweet out all the links on April 20th and 21st that does sound like a cool show that's like a that's that's we gotta figure out our like live podcast do you able to do like stand up and then do your podcast gimmick it's an awesome show so go check him out and listen to that idiot

Marty and all the fucking things he's on make sure you subscribe to our YouTube and the podcast rate five stars all that good shit or your grandma's good day tomorrow សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.