KFC Radio - Ari Shaffir, Mean Girls, and Thanksgiving Eve

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

Ari Shaffir stopped by the studio one day removed from #SoberOctober. He might have still been drunk and handed out edibles. He told us about how he cheated on a typing test to pass and journalism class, why Bert Kreischer is a horrible human being and what Joe Rogan smells like. John went to another musical but he's still not gay. Voicemails include: why can't I use a wheelchair, and getting banned from a school you don't go to.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio, like every other one for the holiday season, is brought to you by Tommy John. I'm wearing my Tommy Johns right now. I got three new pairs, which means I now have... You got three? Yeah. Oh, you took an extra pair. I did, I did.

I got two. Well, there was an uneven number, and it was like, one for me, one for you, for you one for me oh look at that we're stuck so i had two to begin with i have three you know what that means i have a full work week now i have a full work week's worth of tommy john's wait just this week or every work week what do you mean i have five so i can you know oh rotation that shipment constituted a full work week no no no i have two i have two others already so now i can monday through friday i could be feeling my best rocking feeling good looking That shipment constituted a full work week. No, no, no. I have two others already. So now I can, Monday through Friday, I could be feeling my best. Rocking, feeling good, looking good.

That's some real dad stuff too. What's that? Just saving your good undies for the week work week. I save my good undies for the weekend, pal. Man, I don't save anything for the weekend. The weekend, I just close my eyes and just wait until it's Monday. Just like, please be Monday. and just wait until it's Monday. Just like, please be Monday, please be Monday, please be Monday. But Monday through Friday,

my dick pouch is looking good. I'm wearing a pair of Tommy Johns right now, actually. Not a new pair, but an older pair. And let me tell you what, they hold up well. They hold up perfectly. No holes still. I always reference when my mom yelled at me for having holes in my boxers. She said, you never know who's going to see you in your underwear. Which is a weird thing to say to a kid yeah very strange

but if I were to be if my mother saw me in this underwear she'd be very proud of me we got a few pairs sent and John said take whichever ones you want I'm not big on the design I just want it to look good, feel good I didn't think about it but I kind of like them to look pretty

yeah I mean, I do. Those are my weekend. Monday through Friday. Give me black, give me blue. I don't really care. These ones, I got ones with some stripes on them. Horizontal stripes, which I think are going to make me look fat. So maybe I should have given those to Fat Boy over there.

But we'll see. I'll wear any Tommy John's, no matter what the design is. So go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC and get 20% off your first order for some mind-blowing comfort this holiday season. Get them for yourself. Get them for your friends. Get them for your family. Girls, they got Tommy John for girls now. Tommy Jane, I'm going to call them.

Why don't they do that? TommyJane.com, which, again, John's going to cross over and get some of those. Hey, Tommy John, why don't you send some of the female stuff for the ladies that we'll give it out to? Yeah, send it in an Excel and I'll pass it out. Send extra large, extra, extra, extra large girls. Tommy Jane. Go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC. Get 20% off your first order.

Ari Shafir. But seriously, Tommy John. Is on the program today. We've had Burt Kreischer. We got now Ari Shafir on to talk about it. I need to get Tom Segura back in here to break down the Sober October recap because we got two out of the four, and Joe Rogan's never going to do it. So technically two out of the three that are possible here. So, Tom, you're up next.

He was just in New York. We missed that. Nice job, producers. But Ari's on. We recorded it a couple weeks ago, and because we had a lot of backup with guests, it's just airing now. To be fair, that has nothing to do with Ari. Ari just came in because he's a fan.

Other people came in because they had stuff to do. They had stuff to do, yeah. Ari was— Ari, not even a fan, I would say, probably just because he was bored. He came bearing gifts. He gave out some edibles. He was storytelling. As always, he's very rude, Jude-esque, Ari, where he's just going to say whatever. He really lives.

Let's say he just marches to his own beat a little bit. I don't give a fuck. So Ari Shafir, we sat down with him for almost an hour, so we're just going to chop it up a little bit here to begin, and then we'll ride out with Ari. John, big weekend for John. Back on that musical grind. Or is it just a play?

No, it's a musical. Any greatest show type bangers that you're going to be singing for the next couple weeks? Rather Be Me is a real hit. There are a lot of really good songs, but no bangers like that. This is the greatest show. This is the greatest show. There are very few songs that are that good. Are there smokes in Mean Girls?

Oh, my God, rockets, right? I am Regina George. If you, if you're an actress and you go out to audition and you get the Regina George part, you must walk out of there. Like I am the baddest bitch on Broadway.

Regina George on Broadway kicks the shit out of Rachel McAdams. Yes. Just like, like fucking, uh, Broadway kicks the shit out of Rachel McAdams. Yes. Just like fucking Whitey Bulger style. Like locks in a sock and just go bang, go bang, go bang, go bang. Just ruins her. I had some. John's so gay.

He's so into Mean Girls. How am I? I'm talking about a hot woman and referencing one of the greatest criminals of all time. Anything gayer than that. Talking about how hot chicks are. It's the gayest thing in the world. Look, I am not pushing back on the gay thing. If we're doing a kidsy scale, the only thing not gay about me is I don't suck dick. Aside from that, I am super gay.

I only let the guys fuck me. I don't suck their dick. But that sentence in and of itself is super heterosexual. from that i am super i only let the guys fuck me i don't suck their dicks but the but that in that sentence in and of itself is super heterosexual that's why those heterosexual thing i'll say i know but when you're super hetero you're gay it's like the alpha beta thing that's true that's true but uh no she was i mean she i i think rachel mcadams in mean girls is one of the most overrated characters of all time wow as far as looks go so it's not it's not easy for me it's not hard for me to say she got her shit

kicked in but I mean there's Regina George on Broadway I mean the audition has to be like you know we're looking for like the hottest meanest most like confident arrogant fucking bad bitch on the block and then all these girls audition and it's like yeah you're the one and the girl who plays Lindsay Lohan

too is just you know I think Lacey Chabert is the hottest of that whole bunch do you remember her? which one is she? she's like the dumb one she was the one she had a spread once

in one of those like FHM stuff Maxim magazine type things she was in Party of Five super under the radar on that chick and I'll tell you one thing for anyone who wants to say it's gay or whatever it is. First of all, it's not. Having sex with men is gay. Second of all, the... Johnny Definitions over here.

The female clientele at August Wilson Theater. I can't even imagine. That's like everything. That's what I do. I always tell you with Hocus Pocus. I remember telling people back in the day to read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which that wasn't even girly. But like all the girls, Fifty Shades of Grey, all those things, anything that's super girly, if you do it and you're educated or you're there, you're going to find so many chicks. Everyone there was a real looker. And in fact, it was actually kind of like being at a reverse NFL game.

Whereas, you know, NFL games, it's always the bar is crazy long and the line to the bathroom is crazy long. Right. Right. This, tell you what, I had my fucking run of the place. It was, I went, at intermission, went right up, got myself a double whiskey. Went to the bathroom, no line, no nothing. The line for the women's room. Out the door women's room, they were wrapping people up and back. People with signs being like, the line starts back here, ladies.

It got so bad that I guess they had started letting women come into the men's room. Oh, wow. Because the line was so big. That's pretty brave. And I guess I'll say this, kind of jarring. Yeah. I guess I could see the transgender in you here. When I walked in, I was like, whoa, that's what are you doing here?

And the woman just screamed that she's with child. I was like, where is it? She was in her stomach. Wait, that's weird. She was like, excuse me. I'm with child. I'm with child. Where is it?

Going into a female bathroom or vice versa is definitely a weird thing. I remember when I was in elementary school, I got used to it very quickly. I was like, OK, this is fine. When I was in elementary school, I walked used to it very quickly. I was like, okay, this is fine. When I was in elementary school, I walked into the school girls' bathroom and I was like, this is weird. They redesigned it. They got rid of all the urinals because I was just like,

the girl's on the right and this is on the left and I was walking the other way down the hallway so I didn't realize. I was like, look at that. Overnight they discovered all of the urinals. I guess I have to go in the toilet. And I walked out and I was like, oh, I get it. Yep, I'm an idiot idiot uh so yeah go check out mean girls if you're looking to get late bro uh rather rather be me is i think that's the one is my big one yeah it was the first play i like the second act better than the first even though i love hamilton and stuff like that but

uh hamilton ran all those i think the first act is far far superior this one the second one was better i was gonna say like is there like a Siskel and Ebert for Broadway? You're that guy now, huh? I'd love to be, yeah. So just start giving me your Seat Geeks. You got to four musicals, right? What do we got? You're an expert now.

Hamilton. It is Thanksgiving week here. So we're going to be breaking down a little Thanksgiving action for you. That's brought to you by SeatGeek. We are in full swing. This is one of the greatest times of the year for sports. Aside from baseball, you've got everything else cooking. You want to get tickets to all the major sporting events all going on right now.

You can do it. Go see the Lakers. You want to watch LeBron. He's still doing the damn thing. Put out 51 the other night. You want to go watch the Knicks tank? You could do that. Get your tickets for next year for Zion when he's in orange and blue.

You want to go see, you want to go to Broadway like John? You can get it on SeatGeek. You want to go see Ari Shafir? That's not even a plug. I did get my tickets on SeatGeek and they were fire. Good price, good seats. You want to go see Ari Shafir on stage? All of it.

Favorite comedians, music, sports, all live entertainment. SeatGeek has everything. And they will get you the best price possible because all the tickets are on a transparent chart where you can see exactly what's being charged on the secondary market. All the tickets are also guaranteed. No fraudulent tickets. You won't be standing there with your dick in your hand, not able to get into the theater or into the arena.

Guaranteed tickets at a guaranteed good price. Download the free SeatGeek app. Go to settings. Click add a promo code. Enter KFC. Get $10 off your first purchase. You know what my favorite part of SeatGeek is too? What?

Is that it saves your credit card information. I hate taking my wallet out. Yeah, you just click, click, click. Good, good, good. I've used it. I got tickets to Burt Kreischer when he was in town. And then I got tickets to- John is so social. He does so many things. This, and to Mean Girls. I bought tickets to Burt Kreischer when he was in town, and then I got tickets to... John is so social.

He does so many things. ...into Mean Girls. I bought tickets to Mean Girls. You were officially kicked out of the team indoors. Until further notice. Until further notice, I need you to go on like a 72-hour indoor binge, and then you can come back in. Right now, you are suspended. It's stern but fair.

Yeah, I mean, you earned it. I've been outside. You've been outdoors way too much. Go with that bitch boy, YP. Go fucking hunt some fucking fish with him. I go outside to go inside, though. That's fair. I mean, at some point, you do have to be outdoors to get indoors.

That's a little Chinese riddle for you. Thanksgiving is coming. Big time indoors weekend, where you just eat, go into a coma, and then you're off work, and you just binge. It's just a binge weekend. You binge food, you binge drink, and you binge binge tea you binge it's just a binge weekend or you binge food you binge drink and you binge watch on thanksgiving uh i will be i i don't i binge drink by myself i feel like big wednesday let's let's get that at the radio drop i i binge drink by myself and with my family but

i don't i don't do that big wednesday shit now i'm i mean obviously i do you know what maybe is this one of your like first years of being like totally out on that nah well I got out on it early because I have a social anxiety just because my high school like there aren't many of like I don't have a town high school you know right right right from everywhere yeah right so I don't I like everyone came home for it right sometimes I'll go out and get a drink with my four friends who live in the area. But that's a depressing. The number is the number one. Like you're washed up and it's time to hang them up is when you don't even consider doing the Wednesday.

I think the 26 was my last big. Yeah, I mean that like the strictly drinking holidays of like St. Patrick's Day, Wednesday before Thanksgiving. If you want to get really like I used to look for any excuse possible. I'd be like Cinco de Mayo. Let's go do it. All those that are just truly drinking nothing else surrounding it. Those are the first to go in the war against age.

Yeah. The fight against time. Those are the first ones that you have to look yourself in the mirror and say, I can no longer do this or I no longer want to do this. I mean, I've done... I can do it still. You can dial it back? I still don't have that bad hangover. I still don't...

I can still go out and get fucking... You can tear it up. I can get lit. Johnny can get lit. But I just don't want to do it as much. That's fair. It's not one of those things where I wake up and I'm like, oh, I'm never drinking again. I don't feel good. That's because you're an alcoholic. I always feel like shit. It's not one of those things where I wake up and I'm like, oh, I'm never drinking again. I don't feel good. Yeah, well, that's because you're an alcoholic. I always feel like shit.

It's not a thing, dude. Bar for the course. I mean, I woke up today, Monday morning, I had a glass of wine last night. Felt like shit. It wasn't an alcohol thing. It was just, it was Monday and I'm alive. Yeah, yeah.

That was it. That clip of that movie, The Kaminsky Method on Netflix, when you first put it on, it's Michael Douglas and some other old dude. And they're like, I woke up and I woke up and I just thought to myself, what part of my body is going to hurt this morning? Like,

yep. I did it every morning. That's real life. I flipped my mattress every day just cause I thought, you know what? That'll help. Time to mix it up. Yeah.

That's probably not going to fix it. John, that's a fucking bandaid on a gunshot wound so shout out to all the youngins who are going to do the Wednesday before shout out to all the oldens I love I am we have Thanksgiving at my house and I am

the weird uncle who falls asleep this is my house I fall asleep in the middle of the fucking place I don't care that is one of the wildest things that uncles and dads do just like I am going to fall asleep directly in the middle of this social function and it's always like they're a beached whale and they're like snoring with their hand on their dick it's not like i was just gonna say it's exactly what i do i pop my shoes it's never like oh my god he's like in the corner like discreetly like nodded off it's like he is the focal point of the room there are 20 people hard

is this dick hard did he fart it smells over there too this we haven't even eaten yet uncle jack what's going on there are 20 people in the family looking for a seat i've i've decided to like just splay out across the entire couch and take it up the whole shoes on a couple of cushions. People are like, this is my house. The tryptophan got him. No, the bottle of whiskey did. He's blacked out. It's not the fucking magical drug inside of the turkey.

It's the copious amounts of alcohol running through his veins. What a fucking racket that is. Seriously, tryptophan. That was invented by alcoholics. Tryptophan's not even a real thing.

They were just like, we need to blame something else other than the blackout nap that we're taking. So it'll be a magical drug inside of Turkey. Imagine college after like a day party. It's the Tryptophan. I mean, it's the seven beers you had at lunch.

The jungle juice of the Everclear you've been drinking. Fuck. All right. Let's get into Ari Shafir. Always a ridiculous time. We sat down with Ari for about an hour so you can get to soak it in right now. It's brought to you by SimpliSafe. SimpliSafe, listen, for the holidays, you've seen Home Alone.

You know how it goes. The holidays, it's a dangerous time. People might be looking to break into that house, get those gifts, get the new gifts that you received. SimpliSafe is the best way to stop that from happening. It's when all the tech deals are coming out. And so SimpliSafe is on board with that right now. You can get a great deal ordered today, and you get 25% off any SimpliSafe system.

It's an amazing deal. They rarely do anything like this. So you got to get down with it now. It's great protection for your home and family. They never make you sign a contract. So no long-term commitments. There are no hidden fees. And you get around the clock professional monitoring.

And it's only just $14.99 a month. So under $15, you can get the ultimate safety for your home and your family. Getting rave reviews from all the tech sites. It's simply the best security system there is. So go to simplisafe.com slash KFC Radio. That's S-I-M-P-L-I, safe.com slash KFC Radio. Save 25% off your system. The deal ends November 26th.

So it's just for the next week. You don't want to miss it. That's simply safe.com slash KFC radio. Ari Shafir. Let's talk to him. All right, let's get right into it. Ari Shafir is back in the studio with us.

Yeah. And we were just asking if you went out last night because you stupidly did Sober October. So dumb. So dumb. And now it is November 1st as we record this. So that month of fucking sobriety is over. I would imagine you're ready to rage. You got talked into it, you said.

Talked into it by my fat friends who need to go sober. My fat fucking addict friends. Listen, I'm skinny and I'm not an addict. I don't know why I got caught up in this. Yeah, I don't know how they wrote me into that shit. My brother just did it. My brother did it. Why?

And he, right? He is actually kind of crazy. So it's, you know, we had the Red Sox and stuff. So we've been going to a lot of games and he decided he woke up one morning and decided I haven't like not drank in a week since I started drinking, which is true for me as well um and i'm much older than he is i'm seven years older than him and uh when my mom asked why he's doing it he started like midway through october so it's kind of cheating and when my mom asked why he threw me and my dad right under the bus he's like i can't keep up with john and dad what the fuck is that about dude like why did they make me look like an addict here

which is true again true but but listen, you guys were just having some beers at the game. ALDS. What, I'm not going to drink at a fucking ALDS? Wait, did you go to Red's house game with him and he did not drink? He didn't. He was when I was with him. And then he went to a World Series game with my

dad and he did not drink. I went to two Yankees playoff games this year. Without booze. So it's horrible. Baseball, the whole point of baseball is drinking beer. It's like, come on. Yeah. Especially when it's warm out. Yeah. God damn. That's like a physiological reaction. Like I get to the ballpark,

I hear the crack of the bat, I see the scenery, and I need a cold beer in my hands. Yeah, peanuts, beer. Yes, done. God, it felt right. Everything's really, like, I imagine baseball still in sober is pretty fucking boring. It is. I don't know how I liked it when I was a kid. John, it's kind of boring when I'm drunk.

Yeah, good point. It's not exactly the most, you know, exhilarating sport. So you get talked into it by your fat friends and your addicts. Yeah. And you stick to it, though. Like, I would imagine, okay, I could see a scenario where, especially around here, all right, we'll do it for content. It'll be a funny video, whatever. October, like, october like fifth rolls around i'm like i'm fucking out yeah oh i wanted to be out so bad why don't you just lie to your friends i lie to

my friends all the time yeah well i have honor do you have honor you're a man of integrity didn't you like pee on someone once in studio or jerk off on them or something? You got it. Probably. In studio how much? Yeah, maybe. So 30, it was. God, it fucking sucked, man. Yeah. I've never passed by so many bars going like, I want to go in there. I want to go in by myself.

So you just didn't go out. I've wondered how I'd do that, whether I would, if I was sober, would I even go out or I would just sit on my couch? My friend got married at a brewery and I got non-alcoholic beer and that helped a lot. Just to fit in. Dude, you were killing them though.

See, that again, it must be interesting to have honor because I would just get beer and say it's non-alcoholic. This is a non-alcoholic beer, don't worry about it. But then what are you even going to bet for? I wouldn't bet. I don't know. I wouldn't bet.

I mean, I've done bets before. Like as a kid. And just cheated on him? Yeah. Yeah. Like as a kid who can hold their breath longer and he'd pop up and he'd still be underwater and you'd go back down. Yeah.

Like I'd do that with being drunk. No, we cheated on this podcast. Like, no, I'm sober, man. We did. The guys here once did a, you can eat nothing. One guy picked pizza. One guy picked burritos. It was like, you can't eat anything other than that. Except that? Yeah. Bur guy picked pizza. One guy picked burritos. It's like you can't eat anything except that.

Yeah. Burritos kills pizza. Well, that was the big argument. I mean, you know, the burrito guy said it's much more versatile. You can change it. You can mix it up. Yeah. Just pizza.

And the guy who was doing pizza was just cheating the whole time. Yeah. Whatever you wanted on the side. But again, I feel like I would bail. So you I mean, you know, you dabble, but you said you never really felt the craving. But this month you were like, I need the booze. Yeah, yeah. I drank hard in Scotland in August.

I was there all August. And those people go fucking hard. They drank, man. Yeah. You think you go hard, you go over to England, Ireland, or Scotland. They go nuts. Yeah. Also, I looked it up.

Scotland, number one per capita cocaine use in the world. Really? Yeah. Interesting. Can you vouch looked it up. Scotland, number one per capita cocaine use in the world. Really? Yeah. Interesting. Can you vouch for that? Did you help boost that? It was everywhere. My hands were tied.

I was in Scotland. I had to do it. They do it on Tuesdays. They're fucking nuts out there, man. You can do a coke on a Tuesday. Oh, my God. You got it going on, man. They do not stop.

So, yeah, I got home and I was drinking even more. I probably needed a fucking detox. Did it, well, did it, it doesn't seem like you even feel good about yourself, right? No, I don't. Yeah, that, like, I would think to myself, like, well, this is going to suck. But by the end, like, I'm going to be, I'm going to look different, feel different. I'm going to be proud of myself. No, it does not seem like.

No, fuck all that. My friends are like that. They're like, oh, what an accomplishment. Fuck off. What an accomplishment. Horrible. I can't walk off two flights of steps now without breathing heavy. See, I would think it would be the opposite. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. I didn't expect any of this. I thought I would look better and your skin's clearer and you're fucking. I have no energy for sex. It's horrible. I already went sober and he became celibate. Did you have sex last month yeah but like

I was like I can't be bothered I can't imagine having sober sex you stink at it too it sounds like the worst you know it's like well usually if you have

a couple in you it goes much better it's like sorry babe I'm sober this month yeah can't get hard yeah don't fuck me until November

you loser so now it's been there November right yeah I went right back yesterday. New York is such a fucking great town. Do you guys live in Manhattan? Yeah, I have.

I don't know, but I have. It's just everybody's out on a Wednesday. Yeah. Adults are just out. It never stops. God, it's so nice. So wait, where do you live full time? East Village.

All right. You made it sound like you're. I also imagine doing October in the middle of the country is not as hard as when you're in the fucking East Village. Oh yeah, good point. You pass by cool bars all the time. Plus, I'm late night at a comedy cellar and shit and all my friends are drinking.

How did you do this? You seriously didn't touch a drop? No. You didn't do any drugs, no nothing? This is depressing to even listen to. I did take acid to that wedding. I was like, if they're all going hard, there's no way I'm not going to take the last one. Did you just give me the, but I did take acid?

No, I didn't take it. I took it to the wedding. And then people weren't really going hard. So I was like, all right, I'll just stick with non-alcoholic beers. But if they were going hard, I'm like, I'm not going to be fucking the only sober one here with my friends getting married. No fucking way. Talk about the opposite ends of the spectrum. I was like, what a window. I'm either going to be fucking the only sober one here with my friends getting married. No fucking way. Talk about the opposite ends of the spectrum. I was like, what a window.

I'm either going to drink non-alcoholic beer tonight or take acid. A little bit of acid. Just to take the edge off. The O'Doul's or the hallucinogens. Wild. What was your, like, you know, clock strikes midnight. What was your first, did you have a beer? Did you have a shot?

Did you smoke a joint? What did you do? Listen, you got to figure out the orders of these things. So, Molly, right away. That's how I got to kick in for a little bit. Was that what you were craving the most? No, but it was being nice. Yeah, I had to go dancing yesterday, so I can't really do that without.

What the fuck does that mean? Without ecstasy. I had to go dancing. I don't know. You doing the fucking five-star? That girl got up. No, there was a fucking Fleetwood Mac cover band last night. A DJ Fleetwood Mac band.

Fleet Mac Wood. So whatever. Fleet Mac Wood. I love it. I once saw Creedence Clearwater Revival Revival. Really? Yeah. CCRR was great.

They were a great band. So Molly right away because you had to dance to Fleet Mac Wood. Yeah. Then shot, beer, and then joint afterwards. They were a great band. So Molly right away because you had to dance to Fleet Mac Wood. Yeah. Then shot, beer, and then joint afterwards. What did you do with the acid? You still got it on you? Let's go.

I do not have it on me. I did bring you guys edibles, though. Hey. Oh, God. What a gentleman. I brought back a shitload from LA, and I realized I kind of won't sit there. Thank you, man. What a guy. I'm anivus infused.

The last time I took an edible. Blueberries and dark chocolate. Oh, dark chocolate. These just sound delicious. The last time I took an edible, and I'm bad at taking edibles. I've only done it twice. One time I was trying to. Use your mouth, right? Yeah.

Okay. One time I was trying to convince everyone at an after party to eat banana bread, but I didn't want to tell them it was, it was edible. John's a big poisoner. That's crazy. So I was going around telling people to try it. And everyone was like, it was like two in the morning. Everyone's like,

no, I don't, I don't want banana bread. So I would eat it. Like, no, it's cool. It's good.

It's good. And then I kept realizing I had like five slices of banana bread. That was edible. And I was up until six in the morning, just zoned out. And then the other time I, I, someone did it to me and they gave me a brownie. They didn't tell me it was an edible. And I ate the whole thing. Your friends just just zoned out. And then the other time, someone did it to me, and they gave me a brownie.

They didn't tell me it was an edible. I ate the whole thing. Your friends just dose each other? Yeah, all the time. Big time poison. And I just laid on the couch for eight hours, and I was trying to drink myself out of it. Yeah. And so by the time it wore off, I was just fucking wasted.

Drunk. Yeah, those are fun. We had a guy, he comes up to the office like every six weeks he lives in texas the uh father of two veteran just grabs a bag of gummy bears and starts eating i had no idea he's like those gummy bears taste funny donnie was like well you're gonna be he was like how many did you have chops was like three four you're gonna be fucking stoned i have one of those and it takes me out it's a dangerous world now that weed is like so accepted

I have no idea how much is in any of them it's all fucking all made up man it's like how many calories and how much fucking weed's in here man

the LA places started having to put caloric information on there did they you can't just sell cookies and not put what the fuck's in them butter how much

this is not exempt and they were all like oh yeah I guess so that's great what a world man it's fun I like see I don't even like

when you put anything in front of me I'm like I gotta take it this is just gonna sit here and I'm like I need to have this right now I don't even take edibles but it's in my hand

and I'm like well you have one how much weight do you gotta do today nothing I don't have to do shit at least one one's 10 milligrams, I think.

All right. I'll do one. I'll do one. Do it up, babe. I'll do one. John's going to be on another planet. Let's go. 10 milligrams is not going to do anything to you.

You got to take two. For real. That's a small amount. All right. Two. You're going to be super stoned. All right. Let's go.

Let's have a fucking Thursday. Are you now back to normal Or are you going hard I threw up last year Last year I went I threw up I went too hard In New Orleans

Oh I forgot to have A dinner tonight Wait a minute Oh no Wait so you did this Last year too Yeah Oh what the fuck is wrong

No see that's why I know this is on me I was out Yeah you are a dick And then I got talked Into it last minute I don't know how it happened I'm a dick.

Yeah. It's not happening again. So it's like last time you knew how much it sucked and you complained about it and you did it anyway. Yeah. No sympathy for you. No, I don't want any. You're right.

I don't deserve any. So last year you went right to New Orleans, which is probably the last place to come out of a sober month. Yeah. At midnight trying to play catch-up ball in New Orleans. Trying to play what? Catch-up ball. What's that?

Where you just start drinking at midnight. Trying to catch up. I was picturing catch-up ball in New Orleans. Trying to play what? Catch-up ball. What's that? Where you just start drinking at midnight. Trying to catch up. I was picturing catch-up. Oh. I was very confused for a second there. You never know with Ari. He's got some sort of fucking drug-laced catch-up. By the way, you guys have fans that make shit, right?

I want somebody to do a thing. I don't need credit. I just need it out there. I don't need a lot of clay tops that hit those threes. Those 14 threes. But set it to an autistic kid who comes in from the ball boy, you know what everyone overcomes? It would be so fucking good.

I don't have the know-how. You can make that. Please, one of you, fucking do it. No, we will do that. We'll get the footage that we hit J-Mac, the original one, who was like everyone celebrated the little autistic manager. Yeah, you keep coming out to the, oh, yeah. Make little noises like, and then after another one, just like.

Imagine that. What if Klay Thompson was an autistic boy? If anyone's autistic in the NBA, it could very well be him. You have an intro, you're like, you know, it was day 10 of the NBA season. We decided, you know. Let Klay out. Let's give Klay. Let his dream come true.

He had 14 of them. Are you an NBA guy? You sports guy? Yeah. I like sports. Yeah. Pretty much anything. Wait,

are you in New York? Yeah. Yankees. We, I grew up in North Carolina. We never had any teams. So I just took all America's teams. Oh no.

So you're like a Yankee cowboy guy. Oh, you are the worst. Yankee cowboy Laker. No, not Laker. I hate the Lakers. Who's your basketball team?

I started when the Hornets started, so I followed them to New Orleans. Interesting. Now I'm a fucking Pelicans fan. Wow, you're terrible. You are just the worst. I'm a Pelicans fan. I don't think I've ever heard someone say I'm a Pelicans fan. No, it's awful.

They're just a long-term shitty franchise. Pelicans. Oh, that dumb fucking owner let his wife rename the team. Yeah. And send her whatever the fuck his name is. Guys, you built a billion dollar business. Don't let some gash your fucking decide

your future of your organization. Especially with the Hornets, man. They were like such a they got the uniforms and the logo and the throwback and the history and the fans to fuck with that. Every year.

The the. It was cool. The little morning jerseys. Jazz and Pelican should have a series and the winner gets to keep the jazz. Yeah. There's no reason. No reason. It's so dumb.

Yeah. It makes no rebrand. Why are they still doing that? Right. Just like just swap. You can you talk about Utah. I don't know. You like the King Baby mascot that fits in Utah. You guys they still doing that? Right. Just swap. You talk. Utah. I don't know. You like the King Baby mascot.

That fits in Utah. You guys are all fucking weirdos. Creepy and weird. Yeah. That baby is very scary. Yeah. I think it's terrifying. Oh, that little baby that comes in his pies?

Yeah. But have you seen the mascot? The mascot is like. The King Baby mascot, ship it over to Mormon country. They should just be like the Utah Mormons. Yeah. They really should. Right?

The proselytizers. The only thing you think of in Utah is Mormonism or whatever the fuck it's called. The Mormons? You can't call them the Mormons. It would have to be a nickname of that, right? The polygamists. The brothers.

The brothers. Yeah, okay. I don't know if that's going to work. The Utah brothers. The whole team's white. I just think Gordon Hayward was Utah. If Hayward was still there and it was the Utah brothers and he was running around. It would be amazing.

Think about the jersey and the tie, just a white jersey with a tie. Oh, yeah, a little suit action on there. This is fucking perfect. They always have to wear helmets. They always have something. They have a bike and a helmet. As they come out of the locker room. Yeah, they put the helmets. Honestly, that all makes way more sense

than the jazz so so you I mean it actually fits you perfectly because you know you just you just do basically

whatever you want in this world yeah so the fact that you're a Yankees Cowboys Pelicans who's your hockey team Caps

what the fuck is I mean well we did win the title this year I was going to say congratulations yeah thanks and a Duke guy I imagine too right no no North Carolina Caps? Yeah. What the fuck is... I mean... Well, we did win the title this year. I was going to say, congratulations. Yeah, thanks. And a Duke guy, I imagine, too, right? No.

No? North Carolina. Okay. Oh, well, at least we got that. But then I went to Maryland. It's not going great. Oh, no. Not going good. Man, did you see that?

That guy back there, like, we've made a decision. We're going to let him back. Everyone's like, fuck you. And you're like, no, we were wrong. He's gone. That was one of the fastest turnarounds I've ever... Fastest. Just on reaction.

And it was even, the president didn't want him, right? It was just the board? Yeah. The president, I forget the president's name, O or something like that, but he didn't want him, and the board's like, well, it's either you're gone, or he stays. He's gone, yeah.

Oh, okay. He'll stay. Was he for real negligent, or was it just like, fucking two days? What I quickly read, very little on it, it said that the coroner's report said there was like you could tell that there was things that were ignored and not responding right away and shit like that. So it did not sound like they did a great job there. I can't I just I don't like the reaction to the reaction.

I think that's like a bad precedent in general. Yeah. I mean, in this case, that guy probably seems like he should have been fired, but the fact that it was based on people being outraged about their own decisions. Yeah, that's fucked up. That's just like such a slippery slope. They probably should have just, especially like Maryland football. They should have got off Twitter for a week.

First of all, they shouldn't have reinstated him this year. Yeah. There's no reason for it. The whole thing was botched. He probably should have just been fired, but if you want to reinstate him, wait until things truly settle. Yeah, and then reinstate him where you don't have to, like, you can ignore the fucking heat for a day or two. Right. You know what I mean?

Everyone reacts, like, immediately. Like, wait a week and a half. But it wasn't just out. Like, the team said it, right? The team said we're not playing for him. Yeah, I think. I believe the team was like, we're not even showing up to practice. And that's why I'm saying that he should have just never been reinstated, period.

They should have asked the players, like, how do you feel about this? And they'd be like, we're not going to play. Like, oh, shit, we should have asked you that. Well, he killed our friend, so I don't know. We're not thrilled about it. I shouldn't laugh, but it is wild to even think that they brought him back. Like, at some point, even if it really was, even if they did everything possible, at some point you're probably going to say, like, we need to turn the page.

We need to just, like, start fresh. Yeah, it's not like he's a great... It wasn't like getting Belichick. It's Maryland football. It's who fucking cares. It's just some coach. It was a very strange thing to be like, we're saving Durkin. It wasn't a recruiting violation, something like that? Like, oh, we had

some hookers trying to get a kid to come commit here? A kid died. He died. And I think the parents were like, fuck this guy. So if the parents of the dead child is like, this guy should be out, you know you're going to have a PR disaster. Man, what a fucking

day. And they're like, here we go. No, no. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just kidding. Just a prank. That is, that's a wild situation. So not great for your terps right now, man. Oh yeah. Well, whatever. We'll probably that's a wild situation. So, not great for your Terps right now, man. Oh, yeah. Well, whatever. We'll probably go to a bowl game. It doesn't matter. We never cared about

football there. We only cared about basketball. Basketball was just to get drunk. Basketball hasn't really... Maryland? Yeah, recently. No. 12, 13 years. The Juan Dixon era. That guy was fucking awesome, right? Yeah. We got a couple voicemails. We're going to play some calls.

What's up, KFC guys? Got a question for you, and I'll start off by saying no disrespect to anyone that's handicapped. He's definitely going to be disrespectful to anyone that's going to go on here. So I had a really bad hangover the other day. Had plans to go down to Boston with some friends. And so I got to thinking. I was telling one of them, you know, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to leave the house.

But I also wanted to get out of the house. It was a weird feeling. I was so hungover. Jesus. So I said to him, Why is there a bad stipulation? Why would there be a negative? connotation if I Got in a wheelchair for the day and I didn't have to walk around

People could you know would be a little bit nicer to me? You know just kind of get around you know ramp things um and then but i still wouldn't miss out on the day i mean i was too hung over to leave the house but maybe i was just too hung over to walk so what why is it that you know the hospital beds used to be the only thing that could prop you up now you have the fucking mattresses that will do it for you. So some things are allowed. It's an interesting thought. Like why, if you roll around in a wheelchair as an able-bodied person and people find out, they're definitely going to shame you. They're going to be mad at you.

If you're a wheel and then you just pop up. Get up and like run. People are going to be horrified. Why? This is just simply a mechanism. The guy wasn't going to get to work anyway. He's like, I'm disabled today. Right.

I fucking need it today. In this moment, what I have done to my body, I am a disabled person. You should be able to use whatever inventions have been, you know. I agree with him. I agree with you, for sure. And I actually, we kind of scoffed at his idea. People are nicer to me. He did.

That's the best part, the sympathy. He didn't want to go outside, but he had to go outside kind of deal. I do that all the time. I'm hungover. I just want to be on the couch, but I'm like, I know fresh air is necessary. So yeah, you get a little bit of all this. Or you got to go to work or something. Yeah, I mean, what's the problem?

You know, if I put on a pair of roller skates and I were to wheel on my feet, you wouldn't care. What if I wheel in my seat? I don't know. I don't think anyone cares, though. No, I don't think so. No, if they saw you walking, they'd be mad. So you have to be conscious of that and don't fucking get up suddenly. You have to commit to the

chair the whole day. Yeah. Like, don't get up. If people see you get up, you're gonna get shamed. Or if you get up, you gotta really wobble it. You know? I mean, it's like... Drag the fucking... You know the homeless people who... Go home? They have like... They push themselves with the wheelchair. Yeah, but there's also I mean, it's like drag the fucking, you know, the homeless people who go home.

They they they have like that. Yeah. Push themselves with the wheelchair. Yeah. But there's also there's a woman who like she has like these fucking she like walks with a hunchback and she has like these sticks that she kind of works with. And then she's at the end of the day, she pops up. Right. Everyone gives her money because she's like this weird cripple. And then it's all an act. And when she gets caught, people shame her hard. I think you catch the same thing but also i just don't think i would care about the shaming i did that yeah exactly well i'm whatever i need it you don't know how hungover i i do i do this on the subway too like people are like why don't you give up your seat for this woman i'm like listen i've had i've

had six surgeries man i got a bad back you don't know me and my plight i need this chair more than she does i promised you that yeah fuck her fuck her her. I'm tired right now. You guys don't know that. Yeah, she's only six months pregnant. What a big deal. I had a girlfriend who used to park in pregnant parking spots. And that's not going to go over well. Who's going to tell me I'm not pregnant?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a few months. Who's going to tell me I'm not handicapped? Yeah, but then you know what? You run into like... Is that her way of telling you she was pregnant? Surprise! Wouldn't that be something? You run into like... Is that her way of telling you she was pregnant? Surprise! Wouldn't that be something? You go to like Target with your girl. She pulls into the pregnancy spot.

She just looks at you. No! That would be... That would be the worst thing you can do to a person. That would be like... And now we have to go to Target? Are you fucking kidding me? To buy the fucking, you know...

Buy a stroller? Boy. Girls, don't get any ideas. That would be horrible to do to your man. Oh, my God. How would you break the news to him when you know they're not going to be happy about it? I've said anybody who films it is an asshole because you never know how someone's going to react. Even if you're trying, like there's definitely been, it's not a gender reveal, but I guess a pregnancy reveal where guys have been like, What?

Daddy's always happy. Boom, I caught that. That's immortalized now. We're always going to remember when daddy was like, fuck. There was that one really viral one where the guy is just like, baby, come on. You're lying. You're lying. And I think they already had five kids or something like that.

What are we going to do? Yeah, right. And then they put it out too. You sick fucks. Yeah. How did we get to see it? Fucking right. And then they put it out, too. You sick fucks. Yeah. Yeah. How did we get to see it? Fucking delete that shit.

Are you crazy? I think any time you try to do anything. Who was the athlete? Was it Gordon Hayward? Yeah. That's why I said Daddy's always happy. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Gordon Hayward. He had like a sixth daughter. I think that was him. Fourth. Yeah. Fourth. Yeah.

Daddy's always happy. But any time you try and make a spectacle of anything, this isn't just pregnancy, anything in the whole world, if you try and make a spectacle, it's not going to come off how you want to. You're an asshole. Don't do it. I'll see you trying to grab everyone else's attention. I don't fucking know your lady. Right. I don't know you.

I don't care. I don't care about your moment. I'm trying to eat dinner. Well, yeah. Well, that's why gender reveals are so hated. Like, people really despise the gender reveals. I almost feel like I'm going the other direction where I'm like, why are you so bothered by this? But I get it.

It's like, I don't really know you or care what gender your kid's gonna be. But some people are like, fuck the gender reveal! They're just, like, letting some balloons go in the sky. Why don't we calm down? You don't have to have a party for it, though. If you want to do it in your backyard, do it in your backyard.

Do what? Just if you want to just have the gender reveal by yourself, that's fine. What's a gender reveal? You don't know what have a party for it, though. If you want to do it in your backyard, do it in your backyard. Do what? Just if you want to have the gender reveal by yourself, that's fine. What's a gender reveal? You don't know what a gender reveal is? What is it? You pull up and you show you got a dick? What's a gender reveal? It's when you, like, announce to the world whether you're having a boy or a girl. They're very popular on social media right now.

It used to be, like, it started out pretty simple where it was, like, you know, you, like like open up the door and it's like blue balloons or pink balloons. But now it's like crazy. Oh, I saw somebody do an escape room. At the end, it was just it's a boy was what they fucking. Wow, that's really intricate. I'd be like, I can't figure out this hint. Just tell me what the fuck I'm having. There was over the summer.

There was a rash of ones where it was a baseball filled with blue or pink powder and the guys would knock it. But it was like three guys in a row that missed and it just hit the ground and popped and it was like, you're having a girl and it's a good thing because you suck at baseball and so would your son. That's such a horrible omen. Like an albatross. The kid's going to suck.

Yeah, you're going to drop this kid and that pink powder is going to be its brain. Oh, that's so self-absorbed to put up posts going like, guys, what's up, girl? It's like you already knew you were having a kid. No doubt. Fuck off. But then the reaction is like some people hate it so fucking much that I'm like, well, now you're the weird one. But it's like those posts. You ever see those posts like, guys, I just have the best girlfriend in the world.

I just want everybody to know it. Or not a day goes by I don't think about my father. It's like, who are you writing this to? Right, right, exactly. This isn't your fucking diary. Right. I don't give a shit about your dad's ass.

It's okay to have emotions. It's not okay to force them on me. Yeah. Write a DM to your fucking girlfriend. It's okay to also have emotions.

Or just not. Just have your emotions in your fucking head and just leave them there. It doesn't have to be broadcast to him, her, or me, anybody. Long story short, just shut the fuck up.

About everything. Can you imagine in real life if somebody just came by, one of your coworkers, and was just like, guys, I have the best girlfriend. She always helps me. She supports me when I need support. So we got a call yesterday. We got a call yesterday on radio. This guy goes to a Carolina, what are they down there? The Hurricanes?

It was Hurricanes Bruins. He was up on the glass. And Brad Marchand on the Bruins, he was talking shit to him. He was banging on the glass. And he said, I don't even know what his chirp to him was. What did he say? It was just like, you stink. Yeah, you suck. And he goes, your wife's ugly.

His wife was sitting next to him. Yeah, exactly. And so he calls up. And he was like, so he called my wife ugly, and I just wanted to get your guys' opinion. Don't you think that was a little over the line? I didn't think it was that creative. And we're kind of doing what you just did. Creative in the moment.

That was great. Exactly. We were like, it's like his job was like you were trying to get in his head, and he just said, I'm going to flip the script on him. He got in your head. He clearly got in your head. And he's like, well, I don't think so. I don't think he got in your head. He literally got in your head. He said, well, I don't think so. I don't think he got in my head.

You're calling about it. You're calling a radio show. He waited on the line for a half hour. Waited on the line for a half hour and then called a day later. I don't think it got in my head. Shut up. I think he's in your fucking kitchen destroying the place right now, dude. So then I say to him, what would you say back?

He goes, well, I told him, well, she loves me and nobody loves you guy it's like oh no what a burn my wife loves me okay how about that dude that's hilarious that that guy was the one telling the story he made himself look like the loser it was what you were like uh that didn't go how you thought it was gonna go it was the perfect environment controlled the narrative you would think he would say it different than marshawn yeah Yeah. And then he hung up on us when we started laughing at him. We're like, dude, you think. And he's like, well, I just hung up. Now he's going to call another radio station and say, like, I fucking totally fucked over those guys at KFC.

We took like five calls in a row after that being like, that guy Mike sucks. Nobody hated that guy more. I mean, what? And that's like what you were just saying about the girlfriend. Like, if you are telling anybody, like, my wife loves me. Well, that's almost impossible to believe because you're a fucking loser. Blue Apron. It delivers farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes to your door.

You can even probably do a little Thanksgiving action Blue Apron style. If you're going to be cooking this week, Blue Apron is the easiest way to do it. Sign up, get these delivered directly to your door, and it teaches you how to cook. It gives you nice, home-fresh meals. You don't have to order. You don't have to spend money on seamless and delivery fees, and you'll get the satisfaction of cooking yourself

a nice meal to your taste. They'll give you the ingredients. They'll give you the recipes. Everything is pre-portioned, pre-packaged, so you can't screw up the recipe. But you can also learn and mix and match and dabble and hint to this, a splash of that, make the meal. Add a bunch of butter. Always. Always. When in doubt, add a bunch of butter.

Meryl Streep later. Julia something. Julia Child. Yeah, Julia Child. Add that butter. Put a stick of butter in everything. And the best part is. Probably not as healthy anymore.

But whatever. You can cook it in just 20 minutes. They have different recipes, different menus to choose from, where you'll get all sorts of different options. Very wide array of choices. There's different sauces, spices, and ingredients, all prepackaged, pre-portioned with the easy-to-follow ingredients card, recipe card. So sign up now. You can get your first three meals for free at blueapron.com slash KFC. That's blueapron.com slash KFC.

Get your first three meals for free. It's Blue Apron, a better way to cook. We got another one? Yeah. That guy sucked. This thing is... Hey, what's up, KFC? Fight Super Producer BC.

I was just watching the rundown from the other day, and I noticed you guys were talking about the Patriots fan getting banned from Gillette for life for throwing beer at Tiger to Kill. And it reminded me that I actually one time was visiting an old girlfriend at Montclair State University. And apparently, if you don't go to the school and you get caught with alcohol on campus, you get banned for life. So I'm actually banned from stepping on

the campus of Montclair State University for the rest of my life. I think they called me a persona non grata. But I was just wondering if either of you guys have ever gotten a life ban from anything. I can see. I bet you're banned from somewhere, right? Well, you were banned from Twitter for a while, right?

Yeah, banned from Twitter for a while. I'm back on. What were you doing? You were inciting a riot or something like that? I was telling people that I was going to kill Bert Kreischer. Right. I was going to home invade his family. Are you and Bert, is this ever real or is it always joking?

No, it's always real. Always real. A thousand percent. He pledged $10,000 to Children's Hospital, and then he refused to give them the money. He said if he could run a marathon, he got all these social media followers. And then I had to take up a collection for him to cover his fucking losses. That was all real? Yeah, children, while they were waiting for his money, children died.

That blood is on your hands, Bert. They just wanted a present for Christmas. I still can't tell if it's real or not. I know. I mean, you guys are friends. We are friends. Right. But you realize your friends have flaws and he's an awful, awful man. What does he say back to you? I have

not... What can he say when you fucking hurt sick children? Right. What's his response to that when you're like, children died? He's like, well, my bad. He just changes the subject. Talks about a stupid're like, children died. He's like, well, my bad. He just like, he just changes the subject. Talks about a stupid Mickey Mantle gene. But I'm like, dude, there's actual children that you fucked over. They're crying.

I'm going to take up for Bert here. I'll play devil's advocate. I mean, those kids were going to die anyway. Yeah, I know. But they would have died with a present in their hand. They would have died with a smile instead of a frown. No. Like, he was doing them a favor to begin with.

What was the favor? He was going to raise the money for them, right? But he didn't raise a dollar. Right, but he had— No, not raise. Give. He was going to give the money. Right, but that's, like—

So if Burt just decided not to do that, those kids were going to die presentless anyway. Yeah, but they wouldn't have gotten their hopes up. No, that's true. There's no arguing that. You know, Brett Farber's going to come visit today. Oh, really? I'm so sick. Oh, actually, no, he's not. No, that's true. There's no RU in that. You know, Brett Favre's going to come visit today. Oh, really? I'm so sick. Oh, actually, no, he's not.

Oh. What the fuck? Why did you even tell me about that time? I love Brett Favre. I was supposed to survive another week, but I'm going to die now because of this. Yeah. They could have gotten Brett Favre for those kids for $10,000. He comes for like $3,000 a day.

Yeah, his rate is not as high as you think. Really? Yeah. He's also very much for sale. He's one of those guys. I mean, you've seen all the ads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Score, whatever.

We'll get him to come in. He's got a double check. Yeah. Oh, that's not that. That's his replacement. Yeah. Yeah, what are those guys doing? Him and Jerry Rice for those back braces?

How much could they be paying those guys you ever see the Jerry Rice picture for Bojangles I think or Popeyes no oh my god you gotta see this

it is like you this better be Jerry Rice and not just some other black guy I'm gonna call you racist it's dicey Terry Joy when they're advertising

for Popeyes too yeah exactly you're in this could be any black guy at all I mean it's Jerry Rice is it when he had those shit locks in his head? Remember that?

That haircut was the worst. Oh, yeah. I don't think I've seen this either. He's in a kitchen. We'll put it up on the KFC Radio Twitter. It's an outrageous picture. Wow. I mean, Ari's like speechless.

Former, I mean, arguably the Helmet. The greatest wide receiver. Some people just call him the best football player, period. When was this? I think it was a little while ago. But like, did he run out of money too? Oh, boy. I mean, it's an outrageous. He's got a helmet on and the drumstick is across the face mask.

Oh, I didn't even notice that. Yeah. It's a drumstick face mask. Oh, that chicken and Popeye's. You're Jerry Rice, man. I knew it looked weird. Let me see this thing again. That is.

But here's the thing. Like, I don't know. That was probably a nice little payday for him. Whatever. It's got to be a really nice one to do that. Yeah. Or you're broke and you'll take whatever you can get. Yeah.

Do you think he's broke? Half of them are broke, right? Maybe he is too. I mean, when you see people doing like that, you've got to imagine they're hurt. Brett Favre just retired like three years ago. Yeah. Just bought all his pills. Who knows?

Oh, yeah. I'll get you, you know? Where do we? I'm banned for life in Boston College. Yeah, banned for life. Oh, yeah. For BC? Yeah, I've been banned for life.

What did you do there? Same thing, actually. I was putting, when I tell people I'm banned for life, people are like, you must have murdered somebody. But BC's an uptight school. I can see it being uptight it being super uptight i was putting 12 pack of beers into a backpack and were you a student there no i was visiting a friend i had six police cars come up to me whoa it was like i was it was like wow that's how boring it is there and then i was like it's about to do suicide by cop because you're a little overkill here and they will we look after each other.

I'm a 19 year old with 12 beers. I don't know. That's like two beers per car. I feel like. Really over the top. Fordham was the worst with that, man. Fordham was like, you couldn't, you couldn't have girls in your dorm. No drinking.

Like you couldn't even get on campus if you were a guest without having like an official pass. That's also because it was like in the hood though so they had to like really protect the gates but it was like I mean it was wild it was like living in a fucking prison just trying to get laid it was crazy did you think if you went to BC right now you would still not be allowed on campus I mean I've gone back

I've gone back I think it's if security talks to you again like your name pops up and you're just immediately arrested but I've gone back. I think it's if security talks to you again, like your name pops up and you're immediately arrested. But I've gone back a handful of times. If you're listening to this, BC, I fucking beat your system. Fuck you, Golden Eagles. I went to a couple of red bandana games. You didn't fucking catch shit.

But I want to say there are a couple of other schools I'm banned from. You know, the Blackout Tour, I really I put in work at a lot of college campuses. I'm surprised you're not banned from all of them. I've talked to my handful of security guards. I don't know. BC, I got a letter sent home. Which sucks because it's a BC family. A lot of my family went to BC.

Even my dad was like, you want to go to the game this weekend? He didn't give a shit. He's like, you're banned. Who gives a fuck? So it really wasn't a big deal at all. Where did you go to school? University of Maryland. Oh, right. Yeah. I got banned from the journalism department. She was a fuck. So it really wasn't a big deal at all. Where did you go to school? University of Maryland.

Oh, right. Yeah. I got banned from the journalism department. What did you do there? I had just gotten back from two years in Israel, and I had to take a typing test to get into journalism. And I had to be at 25 words a minute, and I was up to like 22. I was just getting fresh again. I hadn't typed in a while.

Wait, wait, wait. You were just getting fresh again. Back this up. It was just about fresh again I hadn't typed in a while Wait Wait Wait Back this up It was just about like Speed typing? Yeah you can't get into The general department Unless you take a test That you can type

At least 25 words a minute Get the fuck out of here That is crazy Yeah So So that doesn't 25 words in a minute? Yeah it's pretty slow

Yeah Yeah it's pretty slow I mean I was gone for two years I was getting It was from like 16 to 21 22 I was getting there It would have been fine

I had just gotten back You were getting your weight up Yeah exactly I was getting there. It was from like 16 to 21, 22. I was getting there. It would have been fine. I had just gotten back. You were getting your weight up. Yeah, exactly. So they only asked for your social security number. So I had my Asian roommate just go down and take it the third time. Yeah. You really were struggling with this typing.

Yeah. Ray Chang. Shout out to Ray. He fucking went and did it. But then I went to register for a class following semester, you know. And then I was doing this week where I was trying not to lie at all to see if I could go one week without lying. You and these self-imposed bans are ridiculous. It was fun. I don't think I could go an hour.

I know. Try it for a day. Like, no lies. I'm about to. I got to lie in a minute and get out of this fucking dinner. There you go. You can be high as stone. Enjoy it. lie in a minute and get out of this fucking dinner. Yeah. You can be high as stone. Enjoy it. Just don't tell them.

Just don't mention it. Lie by omission. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can keep quiet. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Go to the dinner.

But just don't tell them you're high. And don't mention it. Even if you feel high, they don't know. They'll never be able to read it on you. They'll just be like, yeah, John was weird last night. He was great. Sitting there like just playing with my food. I don't think, I mean, I'll walk out of this room.

Someone will ask me some sort of question. And I will absolutely lie right to their face. But you see it now. Or just go check Facebook too many times. Done. Whatever. I think it's easier in college. Well, actually, in college, I think it's impossible, too.

I think. It's impossible if you have a girlfriend or anything. I mean, if you're not lying to your significant other, you're probably a horrible... You're in a bad relationship. Yeah, no doubt. I mean, if you're not lying to your coworkers, you're an asshole. That guy in Austria who had that dungeon, he didn't lie. That's about it.

Everyone else is telling... I mean, we very much are on the record as saying you have to lie through life. And if you don't lie, you're a child. It's not these great lies, but white lies. White lies are not allowed. White lies are incredibly important. Try for one day. I was going a week.

And so I registered for a journalism class, and a thing came up, like, you've got to go down to the department to register. And I did. And they were like, oh, we just want to know why you tested it 22 words a minute, 23 words, and then 64 words. Ray Chang's got to know. You got to mail it in a little bit for me, man. I know. I was like, fucking Chang. I just said pass.

Don't fucking set a record. Fastest typer on the planet. Yeah. I asked him later. He said that was him way slowing down. I mean, again, 25 whole words. Imagine if it was like the cat, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, you could do it with two fingers for sure if you go quick with two fingers.

For sure. I was still doing the search. Where's that H? There it is. Yeah, and so I – I'm going to go test as soon as we get out of here. I'm going to test how fast I can. I think you're going to blow it out of the water.

Oh, yeah, you're normal now. You type. It's like you'll type 50 or 60 words a minute. I wonder how fast we would all type now. I mean, but even what you're explaining, I feel like you should have been good back then. Yeah. Like, unless you're like a grandma right now, grew up in the Great Depression, you're banging out way more than. I mean, how long does it take to type a word?

No, but we didn't type that much. We used typewriters in high school. How old were you? How old were you? 44. Did you grow up in, like, Amish country? No. It was the very end't type that much. We used typewriters in high school. How old were you? 44. Did you grow up in Amish country? No, it was the very end of typewriters. Mostly it was handwritten stuff, and then occasionally at the end they were like, yeah, you've got to type this up.

You got that Apple IIe going eventually? Yeah. Yeah, a little Oregon Trail. Yeah, and then in college you had to go use the campus computers. Yeah. We had the weirdest computer teacher in middle school. They're weird people. Just a strange... He'd give you massages

while you typed. He's not weird. He's a predator. You always do the same thing with your babysitter. You had a babysitter who was like, you know how your babysitter makes you watch porn with her and stuff? I was like, that's not a very... It's not a normal story. I didn't say it like stuff. I was like, that's not a very normal story, man.

I didn't say it like that. I acknowledge it was strange. It was everyone in the class. He was shooting his shots. Guys, girls, everybody. It didn't matter who it was. Someone's fucking me. These rocks are getting off.

Who's the fastest typer here? I got a surprise for you. That was another time. You know, we used to have the, you put the cardboard thing over the keyboard. Did you ever have that? For like my typing class, you like hook it on. And so it was like blocked. So you couldn't force you to type without looking.

Oh, really? And I would just kind of like lean back and type underneath. You know, you just have to lie and cheat. I told this the other day on the radio. I had a scam going with my buddy genaro rodriguez he was fluent in spanish he did my spanish homework i did his math homework because he was like retarded and he had all my like writing in his notebook and he was flipping through and the teacher recognized my handwriting and was like boom that's kevin clancy's handwriting. And fucking G, as we call him, Gennaro, rather than just being like, no, it's not

your crazy lady, he was like, oh, caught. Yep, you got me. That was the easiest thing in the world to deny, G. He should have just been like, no, it's not his handwriting. She's your teacher, too, right? Yeah, well, whatever. I'll just change my handwriting. You're giving Gennaro a real bad rap here.

Just write with your left one time. teacher knows all like 30 students at least try about at least try no way they absolutely know your handwriting they've been reading your papers all year they have hundreds of fucking students you just went from 30 to 100 right you have five i'm saying like you could you have to just continue to deny that because you can't prove that. You've got to try to be like, no. You can certainly prove handwriting. I'll fucking change my handwriting now. It's like a literal form of science. Yeah, but we'll snake our way through it.

It's like evidence in court cases. She has like five classes of 30 students. She's going to say that she knows all of them? I'm just going to deny it. You're right. She guessed one, and she was exactly right. Fuck. She definitely knew her name. You've been harboring some resentment for Janaro that was undeserved. No just going to deny it. You're right. She guessed one, and she was exactly right. Fuck! She definitely knew.

You've been harboring some resentment for Janawa that was undeserved. No, he still deserves it. I think you should have at least tried. Make or make you flip it back. That's like just being like, oh, okay, officer, you're right. Like, I murdered him. Like, at least try to go to court here, man. The lawyer will talk his way out of this.

Fuck! I got banned from something for that. I don't remember what that was. You want to do some Twitter questions? Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let me tell you the end of this. So this lady asked me, how come you test so much higher? And it was during that week.

And I was like, I had someone else take the test for me. And she was like, what? And I was like, yeah, I couldn't pass on my own. So I had someone take the test for me. And she was like, are you kidding me? I'm like, no. She was exactly Kevin. Like, at least try it.

Throw a lie at me. I'm trying to help. Help me exactly Kevin. Like, at least try it. Stop it. Throw a lie at me. I'm trying to help. Help me help you lie to me right now. They made me talk to the head of the journalism department. He was like, you'll never be in this school. You'll never be a newspaper man. It is actually, you are a man of honor and integrity. The fact that you just stick to these made up rules.

You were like, well, it's during my one week of no lying, so I must fuck myself over here. I'm going to ruin my future because of this fake week I made up. Changed the course of my career, my whole life. Goddamn Jim Carrey over here, liar, liar. The pen is red.

That's an extenuating, much like a wedding at a brewery. This is an extenuating circumstance here. It's time to take a knee. I agree. I agree. But yeah, I was proud of myself. I did it. I guess it worked out for you, right?

It's all worked out. You know what you should do? Sober and lie-free December. That's the whole month of December? It'd be impossible. I mean, you'd die. Sober and telling the truth, you'd have no friends, family, or job by the end of the month. Sober and telling the truth. Oh, yeah. Twitter questions? Alright, so we put out that you're in studio Sober and telling the truth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Twitter questions?

Yeah. All right. So we put out that you're in studio. Hell yes. Thank you. We got a couple questions. Dick Martini says, what does Joe Rogan smell like? Okay.

Dick Martini is not a real name. No. Dick Martini 69. Okay. Maybe it is real. I don't know. His actual name on Twitter, that's his handle. But he put Absolute Savage for his name. So that's the kind of guy. Absolute

Savage. Those Joe Rogan fans are crazy sometimes. They live their whole lives devoted to him. All like 120 million of them. Dude, the hard hardcore fans of anything. I used to say 311 was kind of shitty East Coast beach rock. And man, they come after you so hard.

It's just John 311 John Smith 311 they're all 311 massive fans what the fuck do you know and it's hilarious to me I've been getting that a lot I've been talking shit about the Yankees because I'm a Mets fan and I've been going hard on them obviously I had a lot of ammo this month and

I'll just randomly get these tweets from people you're a fucking piece of shit your kids fucking hate you. I love it. And I hope their stepfather fucking raises them better than you. And I click on their profile and open it up, and it's like this Yankee fan smoking a cigar with a gold chain in the Bronx on the field.

I'm like, oh, I wonder where this comes from. Maybe a little bit biased here. I don't know. I love the ones that are over nothing. Like, I don't know. I don't like the band you like. I don't like a team you like. This is fine.

You're just yelling at me. This is never going to get to me. I've gotten cyclists. Cyclists. You shit on cyclists? Yeah, granted, I like wish death upon them. Do not do it, man. Yeah, it's dangerous.

I mean, we'll go on anybody around here. I got banned for Twitter twice for that. For shitting on cyclists? That was like five times. How'd you get banned for that? In their cyclist community, they'd just be like, go report these. It was a systematic attack. So they you get banned for that? It was, they would, in their Cycles community, they'd just be like, go report these tweets. It was a systematic attack. So they would have like a,

like a Cyclist Reddit and it would be like, they'd all just be like, on reporting tweets. Like that weren't, they were just innocuous tweets. They weren't, it was not even the ones that,

because I had to take that down right away. Twitter emailed me and they're like, delete that. So I deleted it. We can't control them, man. Yeah. And then so then it was just like,

What was it? It had to be something insightful. I honestly don't remember what started it. Well, I mean, I think you wished death upon me. No, but it wasn't immediately. I got to that point. But I didn't come out of the gates like, die cyclist. I said something, and then they all got mad at me.

And then when I got mad at me, I lashed out. I was a caged animal. And I said, you know what? I thought you said you wanted to hit them with your car. I got there, yeah. But that's not how I started. No, it escalated to that. Do you remember the one guy who was like i'll race you in your car i'll race time and a place

i'll get my bike you get your car and we'll race to like battery park and i bet you i'll win it was like i don't fucking know or care like yeah you probably would in new york i'll probably be stuck in a red light the whole time i don't get it yeah leave me alone we had this me and sam tripoli i always want we don't do an mma fight like ellis mania or time. I don't get it. Leave me alone. We had this meeting with Sam Tripoli. We don't do an MMA fight at Ellis Mania or something. We just can't get the schedule done to do it. But then every time it comes up, some random dude will be like, I'll fight you, dude. I'll kick your fucking ass. I'm like, yeah, I know. I'm not trained in that at all.

It's just a thing I want to do with my friend. What? Of course you will, sir. Sounds like you work at this. I don't know. You're like a professional. You're way bigger than me. Do you want to fight your friend? We have an amateur boxing ring.

Do you really? I'm not doing boxing. I told my whole strength is MMA. I remember a little stuff. One month. Ted Planet. Jiu-Jitsu. Eight years ago.

You know what? Actually, kind of like your fucking typing thing. When I was a kid, I did karate. Not for long or anything like that. I never got a belt. Jewelry meets fight for right? What does that mean? Please call up that commercial.

Jewelry meets fight for right? What's that? It's Jewelry's self-defense. They have commercials all over everywhere. Tiger Schulman's was the one for me. They're still around here. I had to go back like three times though, because I was very young.

I want to make that clear. But I couldn't, I had to, they give me a test, like right punch, left punch. I didn't know my right from my left yet. You had to be like.

And for your 16th birthday, you figured it out. I was super, super young, but it was, my mom had to kill, my mom was so disappointed. I mean,

honestly, it was in a basement. So I'd come upstairs afterwards and be like no didn't get this how ridiculous when you have children who don't know

their right from their left we're like let's teach them combat yeah they definitely know right from wrong let's teach them hand to hand fighting you guys never saw

those June Reef self defense things I don't know it's like so it's sort of racist too you gotta see some of these people. Then you too can say, nobody bothers me.

It's got me feeling variation. Nobody bothers me. I'm expecting like... Call USA 1000. Except they're L's and they're R's. June, we means right for right. Nobody bothers me. Oh, yeah, some Hello Kitty's probably there. Nobody bothers me. Except they're L's and they're R's. Nobody buys me. Oh, yeah, some Hello Kitty's probably there.

Eating dogs, maybe. The whole nine. I thought Jun-ri was Jun-li. It probably is. I thought it was. Who's Jun-li? You know how the racist trope of Asians, they switch them up. So I thought you were saying Jun Lee in their thing.

Hello, Jun Lee. I out-racist myself on that one. So wait, what was the original? What does he smell like? What does Joe Rogan smell like? Oh, he smells like elk meat and steroids. That's funny.

You probably agree. He needs like, ooh, they Rogan. Spritz it on and it's actually elk meat and steroids. Yeah. All right, man. He goes crazy. He covers himself in fucking innards.

Like, goddamn walking dead and walks back a fucking 80 miles with meat on his back. He really is. He's nuts. Yeah. It's so funny. It's so funny to me to think about how he was on news radio, like, way back in the day. He was, like, an actor and doing the comedian thing, And then he just became this lunatic MMA podcasting god. It's crazy.

It is strange. Right? I mean, good for him. Yeah. I wish. I'll do it. Killing the game, man. If that's what it takes, I'll do it.

Come on the podcast. Probably not. Yeah. Can you tell Joe to come on our show? Yeah. If he's here. I don't know if he's here. Oh, he's here this weekend probably.

You can just tell him. Be like, you should do this. We'll see. Yeah. He doesn't do much. Would you? Would you if he's here. I don't know if he's here. Oh, he's here this weekend, probably. Can you tell him? Be like, you should do this. We'll see. Yeah. He doesn't do much. Would you? Would you if you were Joe Rogan? He's like, your fucking wall's falling apart.

Yeah, well, you know. We'll go to him. Yeah, we'll go to Joe. Plus, this place, you know, it's got some character. Yeah. Something like that. Someone could kill you. Dude, he was one of the first guys to get me edibles.

He used to have these, have these early medical marijuana days. We'd have this lemonade, and you'd drink it. And then so long later, you'd be like, you fucked me, dude. That goddamn lemonade. Like hours and hours later, you're like, I'm not going home tonight, I guess. I guess I'm just sleeping here. I've done that. I know that game.

Yeah, and I'm too fucked up. I'll just go underneath this table. Oh, yeah. This is comfortable enough right now. It's fine. Perfect. Well, thanks for coming, dude. Thanks for the fucking edibles, man.

Oh, yeah. Enjoy them. How funny you're doing that. Dude, don't tell them. I will. I'm not going to tell them. They're going to want to go like. I'm definitely not going to tell them.

Oh, good. Have a couple more then. You can tell it's such a high product because they have how to open a Ziploc bag I saw that It's like place your two thumb knuckles together And then push apart Literally place your two thumb knuckles together Honestly if you need directions on how to open this bag

You're probably too stupid to be doing drugs Also enjoy the adventure Don't read it You'll get there we We believe in you. It's exhilarating to open up a bag by yourself. You got your podcast, your Twitter. What are you out there doing these days? You're on the road.

I'm going to the RUG for Skeptic Tank, and then I'm going on a European tour. Oh, boy. Yeah, it'll be pretty fun. Three days in Berlin. So people like you overseas, huh? Yeah, blowjob jokes are universal. True. You know, it doesn't really matter.

People get their dick sucked in Berlin too yeah yeah no matter what level you're at you can still relate to that and then my special double negative

is on Netflix now and that's I don't know it's fun to be in here you guys thank you for coming the Netflix special I was sure I'd be way too hungover but I thought I'd handle like a champ

yeah I thought you were gonna come in fucked up because it was Spender November which I was encouraged for I did not sleep last night because of the molly

I was just like laying there going, I got that itchy leg. And I was like, god damn it. You just sit there by yourself on account of the Molly. Just rolling on Molly by yourself all night long? Well, no. No, my lady was over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I kept having to get up.

I'm like, fucking, ah. You ever get that itchy leg where every like 40 seconds I'm like, come on. Big time. How the fuck did you get rid of that thing? I know what you're talking about. All right. Thanks, brother. Today's episode was brought to you by 23andMe.

It's the holidays. You're going to be getting together with your family. No better time to talk about your family history and where you came from and all your relatives than right now. 23andMe is the DNA matching company where all you got to do is spit into a tube, send it out to the lab. They'll send it back and you'll get a full report on what your DNA and genetics are. It's the 23andMe kit.

Right now, you can get 49 bucks for a kit when you buy two or more if you use the URL 23andMe.com slash KFC. That's 23andMe.com slash KFC. It's a nice gift to give for the holidays. Give it to your father or your grandfather, any of the parents or the older generations. I feel like they appreciate it. It's like an hitch. Remember when you showed her in Ellis Island, like her family tree, where she came from?

It's very romantic to learn all about your family and your history. So you can use it as a gift, use it as a date, use it for yourself, learn about yourself, it's interesting stuff. So it's 23andMe.com slash KFC. Get a kit for $49, usually $99. So half price when you buy two or more when you use the URL 23andMe.com slash KFC.