KFC Radio - Ari Shaffir || Our Response to the Fallout From the Klemmer Episode

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Order KFC’s NEW Chizza at a participating KFC location today! Timecodes: 0:00 Start 01:42 Fallout from the Klemmer episode 17:15 Kevin may have caused mayhem on the streets of Manhattan 20:09 Big east tournoment 21:51 Oscars 26:12 Do you ever get sick of yourself? 37:20 Video Voicemails 50:10 Ari Shaffir interview _______________________________________ KFC: Order KFC’s NEW Chizza at a participating KFC location today! https://kfcshop.com/?utm_source=%25s&utm_medium=Content&utm_campaign=KFC_Radio&utm_content=%25ecid%21 https://bit.ly/KFC_Chizza Netflix: NETFLIX | THE GENTLEMEN LIKE IT WHEN YOU WATCH. https://www.netflix.com/title/81437051You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

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It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. We got fallout from the Clemmer episode. The Clemmer episode came out, and I was actually happy to hear some of the other people at the new york office be like it's we don't all feel that way so i was happy to hear that there are people who are like it's fine yeah you know like anything else i think it spirals it gets dramatic i think clemmer we know has a little bit of a flair for the dramatic at this point i think it's very uh what what what just like uh big ab was just like me and a bunch of people here are like it's not all doom and gloom we've had good conversations with dave

we don't feel like pressured to go to chicago we don't want to go to chicago we're happy here he's happy with us here like we're fine yeah you know and i think i think a lot of that feeling has to do with the fact that just the office is very brutalist. And I mean that as the architecture of it. Yeah. Rather than like it is very much like walking into Al Pacino's office in A Devil's Advocate. Yeah. It's just all concrete. It's not a fun place.

We said it last episode. It never has really been fun. I think right now there are people who take a lot to heart. It's a tough place to work. If feedback and comments and narratives and all that sort of shit really affect you it's going to be a tough place to work and then you have to decide are you down to dive into that shit because you will get air time and you will get you know storylines and popularity and shit but that will come with a lot of criticism and a lot of heat or do you like to stay out of the mud

but you can't do both and i think right now there's a lot of heat. Or do you like to stay out of the mud? But you can't do both. And I think right now there's a lot of both going on. It's like I want to be in the mix and I want to do everything. And then the minute that people are like, fuck you, you suck. Well, I think everyone wants to stay in the mud and you have the attention. It's like Tyson. You have a plan to get punched in the face.

Exactly. And then you get punched in the face and you're like, fuck, this sucks. Totally. But, you know, I was thinking more about it and it's like there's always i'm very cautious to to try to speak for anybody and certainly anybody who's at the beginning of their career because i'm obviously in a very different place but it's like you know i'm not in their shoes but i was there was a point in time where we were in a similar type of shoes where it was like a lot of hate a lot of negativity and we just like put our head down and just kept going you know and i get that too like you want to make the world a better

place than what you came to sure totally but that's also what i'm saying you're not like that's just not gonna be barstool yeah you know like i i'm pretty heavily i would like it to be more of a developmental place where there is somebody who helps you along but it I would like it to be more of a developmental place where there is somebody who helps you along, but it's just not going to be that. But I disagree with that with Clemmer, where I think that exists with everyone here. I don't think there's anyone here,

if you ask them to do your show. No, no, no. Yes, but I don't think you're going to have somebody who's like, hey man, we've done this with a couple other people here's how here's the blueprint and but like i i and this is just me personally like i don't believe in that because like it's just like that's doesn't really work it's just not it's fun like i don't i don't know the blueprint for you i don't know your passions i don't know you what excites you i don't know what makes you get interesting and entertaining so like i don't have a blueprint for you you don't want it i don't know what makes you get interesting and entertaining. So, like, I don't have a blueprint for you.

I don't have a blueprint for me. I don't have a blueprint for anybody. But, like, the – it's a weird thing. Like, the whole thing is weird. I don't know. But I think every one year is willing and an active participant in doing each other's shows. That is true. Yes.

So that's all the encouragement. I don't know whatever word you want to say for it. That's what the leader does. Everyone's a leader. Everyone's your own leader. Right. Everybody kind of is willing to do what they're asked, but no one's going to proactively seek you out and sit you down and tell you what to do.

Because those are the kind of people who are here right and that's also like like we don't want that because it's like what worked for him or her if we do the same exact thing we don't want the same exact fucking show we want it to be different we want to be a different audience we want to be different things so like you got to get over that and i just started to think about a guy like Marty who, for the last couple years, went through fucking hell. Yeah. On a level that not many people can relate to. When Tom Brady is tweeting about you and you're on the jumbotron of the Celtics game. Yeah.

And you have people actively yelling at you and your girlfriend in public. And what did Marty do? I haven't seen Marty complain or talk about it once right just put his fucking head down and he laid low for a little bit which i think some advice that some people should take here too just like get out of the shootout for a while and then like came back doing what he does filming with fucking major leaguers like just if that can happen if you know if we can get through what we got through if if that sort of shit can happen you can too so is it perfect no is it going to change no is it but is it like the worst also no so you know again there there needs to be some

reminder of that but i also can understand that the frustration of when you're younger and you do want it to work and you see so many other successful people and how come not me or what do I need to do or whatever. And I definitely get that. The narrative is frustrating. The Chicago, New York thing is very frustrating. If you're just like, I'm trying. I'm working. It is funny. And then people take it to heart and they take it seriously.

That's the one I don't have sympathy for. Because that narrative is not something you can Taylor Swift that shit. You do not have to be a part of that. Yeah. You're engaging in it. You're a willing participant. And obviously we are when we talk about it. But I also think by just admitting that it is what it is.

A lot of good, funny people went there. It's going to be a good and funny place. So it's like I'd rather just be real about it. Like a lot of good funny people went there. It's going to be a good and funny place, you know? So it's like I'd rather just be real about it. And it's like just because something isn't the best or the funniest doesn't mean that it's not also quality or work or whatever you want to characterize it as. So it's kind of like – and I just think there's a world where like i'm trying to think because it was in back in the day it was different because there was so few people and we all kind of got mixed up in our shit but it's pretty rare that we like will dive into other people's content you know it's like just do your own shit yeah i when it breaks out into like a company-wide story we talk about it

we have barstool people on here it's obviously gonna get a little incestual but when someone's going viral you know we'll mention jerry doing something but it's not like we're making it by the way i didn't i didn't know how last night was gonna go i will admit i thought the foot thing was a little strange of doing having i only saw the clip of dan i mean it unbelievable. It was funny. Jerry's so genuine. He just kept being like, it's an appreciation. It's not a fetish. It's not a fetish.

It's an appreciation. I can hear him saying, it's an appreciation. When he saw Dan, oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I mean, Dan had on the tights and everything, bro. Yeah, the leggings.

He looked from the waist down. He looked sexy, bro. Dan's legs, bro. Yo, that was weird, right? I was like, if you showed me just those legs, I'd be like, that's a chick. Bro, last night I had a wild night fucking internally where, like, I was seeing Dan's legs and being like, mm-mm. And then I was watching Dune and seeing a sandworm and being like, I'm genuinely horny right now. It was a weird night to be John Feidelberg

sitting on the couch last night. Bro, those baby blue yoga pants and the feet all done up, painted. I was like, what? It looked like a, like a,

you know, when you just mix and match heads and tops and bottoms and all that. I was like, what is happening here? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. And Luke is like, for the record, you did say you would like to see Carlita back. I never said that!

I never! Like full Francesa. I never said that! It's great. Jerry, sorry, one more. When Jerry asked, because Paige was talking for Dan, she would, like, lean. You can see her feet, but she would lean over and, like, speak when Carlita had to speak. And Jerry was so befuddled. He was like, who's doing the translation then?

The way you called the translation. Who's doing the translation? Translation. It was so funny, man. But there is, you know, whether it's counting how many blogs

somebody writes or how many hours they're in or if they take off, it's just like... But that's just work and it happens everywhere and we've done it here forever.

I know, I know, but it's never been... It's never been good. I think if you... I think that's... If you waste your everywhere and we've done it here forever I know I know but it's never been it's never been good I think if you I think that's if you waste your time doing that you're not you're not doing your best

at making content no I agree but to say we didn't do it I don't know I mean have we ever I mean I don't think I've ever really fixated on it

the way some people fix it here no certainly not fixated I've never really fixated on anything and you have thoughts and shit but what it really is but like we we used to g chat complaining about other bloggers and stuff like that like it's it's just okay yes going public with those things is what's weird okay

okay yeah like like there's a million things i think internally and i would never say yeah you know there were times like you believe this fucking guy didn't blog this weekend absolutely like that that that is human nature those people and if i could go back and talk to my younger self like that dude's not gonna be here in a year don't worry about it just put your yeah that's that's more my point is like you are actively doing worse content and being a worse personality by worrying about this shit than worrying about what you you know could be doing better but i did it so i have to i have to understand like why it happens yes i don't understand quite the people doing it publicly but i do yeah i do understand the feeling of it i don't understand like i'm going to broadcast this to the world right because we are in like

a pr game where it's like this is gonna make you look bad you know what i mean like this is you're gonna go down a road you don't want to go down by saying this. Everything, I did everything. When we talk about the tweets thing, which I always have to acknowledge is so silly. Just discussing tweets. There is something there, though. There is something there. I want to get to the bottom of that. I want to know what's going on there.

There's just things that get tweeted And things that don't And it's always been that way But that's I think that like The problem with it there Is that like That's how Dave consumes Barstool

Which is how a lot of people Consume Barstool But that's the problem So if things aren't Like Dave Maybe I'm wrong I don't think Dave is doing A lot of checking

Of numbers And things like that. So all he sees is basically like you're doing work at work and no one's showing the boss. Right. And that can be frustrating. What the fuck, man? Yes, yes, yes. That I do get. But also, like complaining about it is not really going to fix the issue here.

If I thought we had a boss that was going to go, wait, what? Oh, I didn't know that. Like, let me look into things. We don't have that boss. Yeah. So stop. Stop. Get back to work.

Yeah. You know? But I think Clemmer's very passionate, and so he's concerned and all of that. This episode is out on Thursday. There will be an episode of the Unnamed podcast, and I am supremely confident Clemmer is going to get scorched. Do you think Dave's hatred of Clemmer is genuine or bit? Because Clemmer is definitively – if Dave was in the office, Clemmer is definitively a person Dave would like. He's a little weird.

We talked about this on Radio. Very unique. He's a little strange. He's a little goofy looking. He's a little like – He could be like a Dave guy for sure. Yeah. I think he respects that he like – I think he actually respects the hustle a little bit.

Yeah. He'll never say it publicly. I think he respects that he is like, you know, I'll take my lumps. I think he doesn't like that he challenges him. Yeah. And I think it sometimes bothers him. But Dave typically – not typically, but occasionally he also does like that. Yeah. I think he's just like, he challenges him. Yeah. And I think it sometimes bothers him. But Dave typically, not typically, but occasionally he also does like that. He likes that, yeah.

Yeah. I think, you know, he's just like, fuck the Clemaholics. But I think, you know. Also, it's like, nobody's getting fired or anything like that. So just fucking do your job. You're never going to get fired because, like, any of this shit. So, again, Francis is the one guy who'd be like, what? But it's like, all this other stuff is very

like this is all like storylines I did say because they had me on on stool scenes and they were asking me about it and I was like I was talking about how I was like the lazy tag is exactly what I said on this like you should dismiss someone who is lazy but they're not blah blah blah and I was like because you don't get

fired here for not producing good work I was like you only get fired for starting alcohol companies or saying the n word but i forgot about there's one other blogging about blogging about dead girls burned alive yeah that was a bad tough time tough break tough break for the kid tough break for the kid um so yeah that's that's kind of my piece on that. So I'm sure if you haven't listened to it yet, you can go over to the Unnamed show. I'm sure they'll be talking about it at length.

I'm sure Clem will be on there. And Dave is categorically like, this is revisionist history because I spoke to him and he's like, this is not what's going on and all that. What do you mean? He thinks that the clemmer like decree was was mischaracterized what clemmer decree to not like do any content around it or whatever well clemmer wasn't even involved in that like clemmer wasn't even out of

the thing yet so it's it's just again if i was i was told by stool scenes people and gas. Yeah, I think the way it was characterized to me was Dave was like, Clemmer was about to leave the stream and end it, and he saw a cameraman, and that's the only reason why he stayed in. So I told them, get rid of the cameraman because it's tipping Clemmer off. That I understand. I think then he took it a step further and was like, nobody film him at all, so that doesn't

happen. And that kind of became like, I'm not doing any content. That's poor relaying of information from... And also, I think you have to have some sort of backbone and be like, I'm going to take a picture or I'm going to do the video or whatever. I don't know.

Get yelled at by the boss. I disagree with you there. The picture, yes. But like the feeling – Yeah, you don't have to do like a whole – It was told to – Anyone who it was told to, it was told to very seriously. It was told to me very –

Like I don't really fly in the face of Dave all that often. So it wouldn't take that serious of a face to tell me not to do it. Right, but you knew like – But it was like, okay, that seems like a face to tell me right but you knew like but it was like uh okay that seems like a third rail got it okay so in that case i think this is one time where he was wrong on that but i think there's many millions of more examples the messenger it could have been not but let's say even one time he crossed this line like there's a billion others of him just like hands off you know what i mean so um so that's that's that on that uh i i there's

a strong chance that right now on like 31st and 7th there is just absolute mayhem on the streets of manhattan why i was driving in and that's strong chances there always yeah yeah more than usual um i was driving in i get to my block where my garage is and there's a there's a couple cones and says road closed and so everyone it's a big traffic jam i'm like wow this is taking like 20 minutes to move this one block and i get there and i realize that's because no one's going straight everyone's turning down by Madison Square Garden. And I park on that street. So I'm not going all the way through. I just got to get halfway down.

So and where my garage is, there's no road work. So there's road work going on on the street. But it's at the very end near 7th Avenue. So my garage is before any of the construction starts. So I'm just going to get into my garage. And then I'm going to go out the other exit. So I get out of my car and I move the cone and it's got like a bar attached to it. And I just move it and I start to drive through and then I was going to stop and put it back.

And as I stopped to put it back, another guy comes behind me and I stop him. And I'm like, yo, yo like yo yo the only reason i'm doing this is because i park here you're not going to be able to get through here so don't do it and he goes oh that's why i parked there too i'm doing the same thing and i was like all right i'm not gonna tell this guy hey when you're done you need to get out and do this yeah so i just drove and he just drove and i'm pretty sure we just opened the floodgates to drive into an absolutely untenable construction zone. Not like, okay, we'll let you guys through. Jack Hammers, street open, the whole nine.

And I'm sure there's a bunch of people who are just like, oh, that part's open. Let me drive through. It's only to get like nine tenths of the way down the avenue, down the street to the next avenue. And then have to, I don't know what. Everybody's got to back up, I don't know what, everybody's got to back up. I don't know. There's a chance that this is still going on right now, hours later, that when I leave,

there's going to be like blood in the streets. Like, I don't know. I got an interview, bro. Sorry. I guess I could have let him go by me and I could have put it back. I'm not going to do that. Yeah.

And I'm not going to tell that guy what to do. I wasn't going to be like, listen, this is going to cause mayhem if you don't, you know, and he didn't, he just kept driving. I was like, this is going to be a fucking problem. So, uh, department of, you know, whatever city works or whatever. Sorry on that one, but there's probably, there's probably going to be like blood on my hands. There's probably going to be blood on my hands. There's probably going to be a death over this. It's not like there's a massive event at Madison Square Garden today.

What's happening tonight? Big East Tournament. Oh, the Big East Tournament. Well, that's on them for doing construction right around the fucking garden around the Big East Tournament. Come on. Dude, the Big East Tournament. I saw.

I don't know if this is indicative of basketball or indicative of KG and Paul Pierce, but they were like, yo, women's hoops is bigger than men's hoops right now in college. And KG was like, can you name the top five college basketball players? And Paul Pierce was like, I can't name the one. And I was thinking like, God damn, that is an indictment I think of college basketball but also you guys should probably be able to name one of them

I can't, you can't I used to be able to I used to be able to tell you who's probably going to be the top 10 picks in the draft but I mean there's no juice no, I was like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese right, and that was funny too kg was like i could name like five chicks before i could talk about any of the guys caitlin angel

those girls are killing it he just stopped he eventually got to juju but like he didn't get to five they said that uh he said those girls could get 10 points in an NBA game. Really? And I was like, I don't know about that. I feel like – Well, Caitlin, I don't know their games at all really. Well, their point was they have handles and they can shoot. So they're like they're going to cross half court and hit a three. They have three points. I think eventually guys are going to lock that up.

I don't think if Caitlin Clark got in a game today, any guys would be just like, oh, let her shoot. So I don't know about that one, but it was a little surprising to hear the – you know, they're such old school guys, though. They were like, it's not like it is anymore. You can't touch him. You can't – so the playing field's even. I was like, I don't think the playing field's even.

But okay. Sure, guys. Sure, guys. We got Ari Shafir on the show today. Phenomenal interview. Just a good old-fashioned podcast interview. We talk aboutir on the show today phenomenal interview just a good old-fashioned podcast interview we talk about it on the show during the interview just kind of how the podcast game has changed and a lot of interviews are not what they used to be where it was just like people hanging

out on a show and this one was that he brought his dog we're hanging out we're laughing telling stories everything that it's supposed to be so we got a Ari on the show. We'll get into voicemails. What do you got? Dude, I was thinking with the Climber episode, we didn't get to talk about the Oscars that much. Or at all. The Oscars were great. They were amazing. Not amazing, but they were great.

It was a great Oscars. It was what they were supposed to be. It's an appreciation of movies. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. One thing that stuck out to me and I was thinking about I can't think of a different situation which has happened. John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.

There's been a diametric shift in the power of that relationship. John Krasinski used to be the hot one. Oh, Emily Blunt's a smoke now. Emily Blunt, they're both exceptionally attractive people. Of course, of course. Yes, yes, yes. So it was – but like there was – John Krasinski had an era like 13 hours into Jack Ryan, Quiet Place, where he was –

He became a stud. He's a hottie. He went from like the funny guy at your office to like, oh, you're a super – you're a tough guy. And now it's happened like three red carpets in a row where I'm like, that's Jim. I'm no longer like, oh, that's John Krasinski. Back to Jim Halbert. It's Jim with Emily Blunt out there. And I wonder how that works in a relationship where it's just like I was the hot one and now you're the hot one.

I think it's much easier to go that direction as a guy. I think when the guy all of a sudden supersedes the girl, it's a problem. I think Jim – I think John is happy to go back to being Jim with my super hot wife. Oh, no. My wife is so hot. People think she's hotter than me. But if it's the other direction, that is an issue, and you better believe it. I think the flight, maybe two from Austin, whatever, I was watching Devil Wears Prada. than me but if it's the other direction that is an issue and you better believe it i think i uh

the flight maybe two from austin whatever i i was watching devil wears prada emily blunt still again obviously exceptionally attractive person but like it's a different person well it's a it's an important thing to remember that there's no such thing as ugly and hot it's only rich and poor and as she's gotten richer she's gotten hotter i mean i i knew this but i did not know this i saw the video of of our boy and your teammate slick willie compton the other day his his year 10 compilation where in the beginning you see his teeth and his hair yeah and i texted him a screenshot of himself and i said glow up does not characterize this like there are not enough words in the

dictionary to describe what happened to you and he was like it's crazy I used to walk around like that he said there were people that said don't don't fix your teeth it's your personality and I said those are bad people those are ignorant people or bad people who just don't want to see others be happy because that dude had rocks in his mouth and he he said when he got it fixed, there were people who said, eh, it doesn't even look different. Oh, that's crazy. I was like, yo, again, bad people that lie right to your face. He said something once.

He got the hair cut and got the teeth fixed, and now he's like a pretty boy. I did tell him. I was like, you'd probably still be in the league if you had those teeth, though. Pretty boys, they don't need that in the locker room. They need the guy with rocks in his mouth in the locker room. You'd probably be on year 12, 13, whatever by now. He said something recently. I forget what it was.

But I was like, oh, yeah. It was a very white trash opinion. And I was like, oh. Oh, I forgot. You're garbage. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah. I always forget because you're from Missouri because of your teeth. Yeah, and I said to him, I was like, so we're like braces, like not an option?

He was just like, under our insurance, it was too expensive, and we just didn't do that. And I'm like like it's crazy that's like if you're ugly you're ugly can't fix it you can fix your teeth yeah yeah and i was like on behalf of like america and insurance and dental work everywhere i'm sorry will i'm sorry that it took you what like 20 something whatever years to get that fixed god damn that's got to be tough um but yeah once you start getting that money you get a lot better looking every single time without fail so as long as you're doing you know as long as you're using the money to get better looking you can buy it you don't have to you can still stay ugly but most people don't um you know what you got you got any uh any john johnisms today? Check the book

I don't think so, to be honest Wow You've been a philosopher these past year or so I feel like you've always got something Oh, this is a good one, kind of I guess it's actually kind of interesting now that we're kind of looking for something Okay You ever get sick of yourself?

Brother, let me tell you like i i yeah i have the most severe i guess it's like writer's block for podcasting whenever i'm talking there is a voice in my head going shut the fuck up i'm so happy you said this because i'm i'm going through i'm going through it's not that it's not like it's not like shut up people don't want to hear you i have gotten to the point where for whatever reason i've accepted that people want to hear us there's been enough proof that people want to hear us but i am in a a podcast like confidence rut of just like that was terrible that wasn't funny this is not interesting part of me is like yo i what i think what what worked for us is that we're normal but like

normal only takes you so far like i got nothing left i told you everything and all the stories that are of interest happening in my life now i can't talk about publicly so i'm like voicemails you know i don't know what to do because there's the podcast is filled with interesting people now to me it's me it's not so much for me it's not it's not so much like a lack of things to talk about it's just like when i'm talking, I hate myself. I'm like, oh my god. Well, that's the depression. That's on account of the depression. But it's a different kind of hate that I've had in depressive episodes.

Although I am definitively depressed. If you walk into my apartment right now, I am definitively currently in a rough state. We might be doing – it seems like we're not going to anymore, but there was going to be a part where we were going to shoot a sketch where we were going to do a scene in my apartment, and I was like, they're just going to have to see this.

This is how the sausage gets made, boys. Ah, it's great. Hey, listen, this is why the sketch show is funny. Because of this apartment, so fucking deal with it. Pat is laughing because he's like, it's good when I see that?

I thought I already witnessed that. Dude, I got like fucking like three HelloFresh boxes all over the place. Yeah, I hear you, dog. I hear you on that. Dude, things that I just are like, you know, I just, there's just been no shampoo in my shower for so long. What? And like, it's just sitting on the stairs for me to like bring up I put it on the stairs

bring it on the way up and I just don't do it every day it's just like little things like that and I'm just like nope not doing it and it just fucks me every night I've been like just do 5 minutes just do 10 minutes and I do it but it's just not making a dent and it also takes like oh okay I was gonna say okay you're in a bad spot

cause really when your shit's like really even when it's really messy, if you grab all the clothes and put the dishes in the sink, it's like, okay, it's kind of done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? That really did only take a couple minutes. I think it's part, honestly, everything I'm saying right now is just like, you probably need a break.

Where it's bad because part of my apartment is so messy, it's just like I get home, I dump my bag, and I fill it up again. Because I'm going somewhere else. And for this whole year, it's like three and a half months in. Especially you. I mean, we've all been doing a lot of travel. You've done extra travel on top of that and the sketch show on top of that. And I'm not traveling and doing a second show.

And I'm like, this is fucking brutal. So I don't know how you guys are doing it. Because it has been a wild go for us i broke my depression last night three hour clean like there was just a shoebox underneath my toilet like underneath my toilet for months now just never moved it and then i just cleaned up my entire apartment and then after it was done i was like that just you know it's fine all you need is a victory because then you're like, okay, I'm not that bad.

You know? It's, God, it's. You think that people are always depressed? I do think that depression is a little bit of privilege because, like, when you were just, like, trying to stay alive, you're, like, not. Depression has spiraled into a whole thing. Like, people just weren't depressed because they were just like, to stay alive you're like not depression has spiraled into right a whole thing like people just weren't depressed because they were just like i don't know i'm still alive and like that's good and now it's like i'm not the best i can be and it's like well no fucking kidding yeah this i do not want to do a depression segment that this honestly until you said it i like i just like, I just wrote a book. I hate my own voice.

I don't want to do depression, but I hate my own voice. Because it really doesn't feel like what it typically felt like. It feels different than usual. But I mean, it's so loud right now. Like, shut the fuck up. But isn't it crazy, though, that there are people that are not like that? There are people who, like, watch themselves back and love their own videos and shit. And I'm like, I've never been that, but I don't know about anymore.

There was a time where I... By the way, I think something's wrong with my brain. I've been saying this for a little while. I'm going to call a neurologist. We did the dozen the other day. The category was just best picture for the last 30 years. That's effectively my entire life. And we got like two movies in and we just, I just couldn't say movie.

Really? I was just like. I don't think I'd be very good at that either. Really? I was like other dozen teams I think would get all 30 and have to go further than 30 years out. No. I was like i was like the one with the water with the fucking mermaid and i but i couldn't think of it and

then carol i i tipped caroline off to us as she said it and then it came back to me and all i could think about was how i tipped her off on that and then i was like training day like i was thinking about i was like denzel had to have won something i was like but no he didn't but i like i could have said like forrest gump it didn't have to be like it was like major movies i think titanic was on the list of still like 30 years ago and i couldn't yeah definitely yeah right it was like late 90s early 90s mid 90s i was like bro i don't think i used to i used to make a living writing like lists and references and memories. And like,

that's how we did things, you know, like I'll be there forever. Um, I was talking to John today about Lucy, about Lucy's. And I was saying how, uh,

Bert Kreischer did a video saying you can pop the, the rim of your Lucy out and, and put your used pouches in the the rim and he goes ah that's disgusting and i was like what he's like you put it in your pocket but what is wrong with you people i thought it was like to save it to save to put it back because i've done that with with chewing tobacco before it was like i had a pouch i'm gonna just throw it back in the case and i'll put that back in later. Because the chewing tobacco, you can tell.

Bro, that literally gives you chills. There's still juice in there. There's still juice in that apple, you know? Bro, that was straight out of a Frank Reynolds script. There's still juice in there, Charlie. That is disgusting. Used tobacco juice is disgusting. Bro, I've told this before.

I had a buddy in high school where – because in high school, like, we'd fucking hide our spitters because, like, our house parents and stuff would find them. Yeah. And you can't always get off campus to go get a new tin. So I had a buddy once who was so fiending Chew. He got a strainer, and he just poured out an old spitter, and then put it back in. Bro. Dude, you get into tough times. You're 16 years old with a nicotine addiction.

What are you doing? No means to get to a gas station. You'll fucking go to some dark places, bro. Life finds a way. Life finds a way. Life finds a way. God damn. What were we just saying? Oh, I was talking about Best Picture. I'm going to try and name five.

I don't know if I can name five. He took Oppenheimer off the list. Okay. And he took the King Returns because Rudy has he knows what's it called too well? Moonlight.

This is making me feel so much better. Yeah, I'm not good at this. You said, yeah, I'm out. Nice. Okay. All right. That's all I need is someone else to be as bad as me. Honestly, as we're talking about it,

I think I had a couple more and then we changed lanes and my brain was like, nope, we're doing something. Honestly, as we were talking about it, I think I had a couple more, and then we changed lanes. That's what happens. Your brain just goes. It's like, nope, we're doing something else now. It's really just about being able to focus your mind. When I started talking, I was going to say, let's see if I can name 10. Because when we were talking, I was like, I bet I can do 10. And then I was like, I don't know if I can do 10 anymore.

Let's take it down to five, and I can get one. Okay, good. All right. I'm not demented. Okay. That's very good to hear. That makes me very happy i think i think i'm at i think i'm old enough where like dementia is on the table or like not dementia but like you do just start getting stupider but i don't know i think i'm right on the cusp you know

of dementia of like no of almost not dementia like this is just natural like at 40 you start to be like what's that person's name again? But maybe not. I thought that was later in life, but I'm seeing like TikTok videos and shit from people being like, I walk into a room and I'm like, why am I here?

You know? And I'm like, oh, okay, good. Like you too. I just want other people to be as bad as me. You just want to feel like you're not alone.

Yes, correct. Correct. That is correct. Virgin Mary full of weed. Hitler's balls. Cocaine. Chicken. Correct. That is correct. Virgin Mary full of weed. Hitler's balls. Cocaine. Chicken. Chicken and a priest with a shotgun.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about The Gentleman on Netflix. It's Guy Ritchie's first ever television series, and those things are just a few of the highlights of season one on Netflix right now. I like how you're saying season one because it's already so well-reviewed. Dude, I started it the other day, and it starts off with such a bang with Theo James is the guy, right?

Yeah. And they just set the scene so well. You know exactly what son and brother he is and what the relationship to his father was like, and then his dad dies, and he takes over what he thought is like the Royal empire. And it turns out it's way deeper than that.

And it's much more, uh, you know, criminal and gangster and, and all that. Uh, and I almost, I stopped it.

Cause I was like, kind of like distracted. And I was like, I am going to watch this tomorrow night when I can watch it. That's great. When you like, when I know I'm the show, I was like,

let me put on like, Oh, I was just put on something to fuck around. Nevermind. This is right. This has, this gets my full attention. I was like, let me put on some. Oh, I was just putting on something to fuck around. Never mind. This gets my full attention. I was like, I need to do some shit right now. Let me put on Sunny, whatever.

This is like, I need to sit down and watch The Gentleman. So I'll be binging it tonight. It follows a new cast of lowdown lords and gangsters slumming it in Britain's criminal underworld.

Guns out and pinkies up. Watch what happens when you try to play gangsters as their own game. Don't miss The Gentleman. Now on netflix only on netflix now playing kfc fights gang i got a question for you so i just got done taking a shit in the bathroom and the toilet seat was warm and i fucking hate that and it got me to thinking all of our dicks touch the front part of the bowl when we

sit down to shit unless it's got that little opening in the toilet bowl like some public bathrooms do but got me to thinking what's the over under on how many dicks that your dick would have touched through that toilet bowl. That's just something that fucking popped into my head. Well, let me say, I'll be the first to say, congratulations to this guy for having a dick that's touching the seat of the bowl. I think my dick only touches when it's particularly cold. Wait, what are we talking about here?

He's saying unless the seat is cut out. Yeah. Your dick touches, oh, because it hangs. Yeah. So when it's low, when it's small, it's poking out. Yeah. Okay. Like when I'm free. Okay, that makes sense.

When I'm having a freezing day. You're just a nub. It's flat. It's straight. Okay, that makes sense i guess yeah the yeah because i'm typically it's typically uh this is below the um typically it's like uh you ever seen an apollo 13 where you're like trying to dock it typically i'm just going down and it's just hanging and i'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

right right right and then it's very easy to dock it. In Apollo 13, it's like this big for this big. This is hot dog hallway type stuff. Yeah, this all changes a lot when you know you have a woman editing the podcast. Poor Jackie. So we'll make this quick. Yeah, but I would say five times in my life I've had my dick hit the toilet seat. So we'll make this quick Yeah but I would say five times in my life I've had my dick hit the toilet seat

And I do think about it when it happens Where I'm like oh god I just fucking docked with a guy You just went tip to tip Gotta remember Jackie was a fan Before she became. Yeah.

She signed up. I got no sympathy. And it was worse back then. It was way worse back then, bro. It was. But I don't know if it's the new seating. Like, I see Jackie's reactions a lot. I never see her.

I'm like, ah. Yeah. She doesn't like that. Yeah. She hates the job. She hates the job, for sure. All right, next up. KFC crew was good.

Got a quick aim on the asshole here for you. So back in college, I was out with my boys one night having a grand old time, and this girl wasted. Like, she was like that drunk girl. Came up to me, tried hitting on me. I'm like, yeah, you know what? I'm hanging with my boys, having a time have a good night though um tried being super polite but she kept going on and on and on which was annoying because you know when you're drunk 10 minutes feels like an hour so

but then she's like following me around the bar like i go to the bathroom she's waiting there for me i like walk away talk to my other friends and she's like interjects herself. And I'm just like, ma'am, I'm trying to be polite. I do not want to talk. I don't want to go home with you. None of that. Um,

and you know, I was drunk. So I got fed up, uh, took the conversation from my drink, flicked it on her and said, the power of Christ compels you. So the question is,

am I the asshole? Let me know. That's a move. I think that's enough of a, like, I don't know, we're at a bar and crazy shit happens. Like, if you, like, flicked it out or said, get the fuck out of my face. But if you just did some weird exorcist shit. Yeah, if you're a little bit funny, you can do anything you want. Get away with literally murder, you know?

The, uh, I've, I've never had to do something like that. My favorite story about this is my buddy had a girl do this to him on like a ski house trip weekend trip and he just fucked her he was just like are you happy now like here fine

that's the way to get around it's like alright I'll just fuck you at least I can maybe get some pleasure out of this I mean mean like this is just most of the times i've had sex yeah it's just like someone wouldn't leave me alone john the rape victim it is is because it's just my thought on life is just like let's just do it so we can be done with it. Yeah.

Get it over everything in life. I'm very much like... If we have chores to do, we need to run errands, whatever it is, let's get this over with so we can go home and be done. I'll do it. I'll give you my all while I'm doing it. Yeah. But let's just do it and then we can be done with it and not have to talk about it anymore.

That's sex. And... That's sex with John. If you're a woman and you hang around me, force yourself around me for more than 10 minutes, fine. We'll have sex. Then will you go away? Is that enough?

What more do you want from me? I'm only a man. I mean, I don't think people realize how often that happens, probably. That happens quite often with guys. It's the worst, dude. It's the worst. It is. I'll have it with like – it's not just strangers.

It will be like with women I'm dating where I'm like – once they cuddle up, I'm like, here we go. They just want to use me for my body. Yeah. Fine. Let's have sex. Here's my dick. it's funny that your dick still gets hard though you're like yeah it did i have a hard dick a lot it is i was just talking about how fucking the or the not shy hallooed what is it what do they call the worms

what the in dune oh i call them the sandworms. Yeah, but the... Well, those look so much like a... But last night in particular, I was like, Jesus Christ. That's a hole. I was like, that fucking thing. That's asking for it. Look at that thing, dude.

Adrian, I'm jealous of that thing. Look at that fucking hole. Bro, I came this close to pausing it. Not to masturbate, just to look at it longer. The scene where it's coming up, it's at night, and Timothee Chalamet is running with his mom, and it's him looking at it, and I was like, a lot of spokes.

Crazy. But yeah, it's actually a new girl episode um where jess and jessica beal are competing for the same man at a wedding and it is uh played by dan egan and jess employs the strategy of and this is actually it was like rather foretelling um because this is probably what 15 years ago not 10 years ago now? It was a strategy Jess employs called Biden-ing, which is if you just hang around long enough and there are no other options, you'll get a dick.

Boy, did that come to fruition. This was, I want to say Obama was still the president. It's a thing called Biden-ing. If you just hang around, eventually they have to take you. That's insane. That was some Simpsons-esque, I suppose. For real. Good for them.

All right, last voicemail. This doesn't have to be used, but I have to get this off my chest, and it's been a topic on the podcast here and there. But I'm out on true crime documentaries or unsolved mystery documentaries because I must be too stupid to understand the concept of them. My understanding is that these documentaries are going to, one, prove something that wasn't proved at the time of the mystery, or two, it's going to lay down consequences for the suspects involved in that mystery but they never do none of them ever do and it it just seems like at this point they're

just meant for entertainment purposes which is fine i'm not saying that that's not my problem with it it's just don't label it as a true crime documentary or make it fiction because i just watched there's a new there's a new uh documentary on Netflix called American Conspiracy. And to sum it up as fast as I can, the synopsis is an investigative journalist is pursuing a political conspiracy known as the Octopus Murders and is found dead in his hotel room and new details emerge. Well, new details did emerge, but they did jack shit. Like this documentary is going to have like no repercussions to the people involved. And it's a good documentary, but just make it fiction. Like just make it like a fictional story that like is somewhat based on true events,

because there's a four episode rope-a-dope of just these crazy conspiracy theorists. And I, and I know that it's has conspiracy in the title and i'm probably overthinking this too much but it was just four episodes of just dragging us along and at the very end one of their sources was like oh i actually i have the leads that can solve this story that you're trying to pursue but it can't go in the documentary but like fuck it let's make the documentary anyways like am i crazy for thinking this am i just like completely lost on the whole idea of documentaries there there's some truth to it but it pissed me off the whole time i knew exactly what was going to happen there's never like there's kind of like an unspoken thing that you think there's going to be like a solving but that's not always true

they might just be like we're just going to tell you about these murders yeah like they're that can be a thing which is like this horrible thing happened and we want to tell people the story. That was a big thing for a while. People would watch a show called Unsolved Mysteries and then it would end without being solved. What the hell? Yeah, it's like we don't know. Well, you watch Unsolved Mysteries. Yeah, and they ask you at the end, like, if you have any information.

But I've been beating this drum for a little while now. Yeah, you've been. And I had this exact conversation with my dad last night about this very movie and because because he he called me and he's like i this is great documentary out and he hasn't he hasn't watched it um he doesn't watch like actually him and my mom have started getting into tv for a few years now but it's actually been fun but whatever uh the i i told him all of this exactly like verbatim and because it is i think it's it's just one of those things is where the market is like like people like documentaries right now so you just make a documentary but there was a point

in time where they would you would based on a true story movie exactly it's either based on your story or even just uses inspiration yeah like. Like, it's not – Lifetime movies and thrillers and shit like that. It's not the exact thing. It's just – Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I – Dangerous is a strong word. I think it is annoying because then people – dumb people watch it, think they got smart, and then come to talk to you about it.

Rather than tell you, yo, I saw this great movie. You got to see it. Right, right, right. It's like, let me tell you about the facts rather than just being like yo Gosling was great in that movie right

when it was that story like Gosling's a great example like fucking what's it called um all things uh all good things

they don't use his real name in that do they is he Robert Durst no he's not but it's but it's Robert Durst right like that He's not. But it's his story. But it's Robert Durst.

Right. Like that. And then the Jinx happened. The Jinx might have been one of the things that started it all. It did. The Jinx was the first one. There was always like Dateline in 2020 and shit. But the Jinx was like, we solved a murder through a documentary.

Right. And that's what set it. So that was people just saw it and were like, this is a crazy movie. You got to see this. And they don't have the need to tell you, like, talk to you like they're the smartest fucking person in the world. Right. And there was a couple that were compelling. And it was just like this guy's guilty yeah like or or you didn't prove one thing one way or

the other so what are we doing here that's i i think we're coming back a little bit and maybe too much at times we're like with the docudramas yeah because because once it's at least when it's not just some fucking scientist or whatever sitting there being like, well, I poured over all this. When it's just like an actor, you can go like – your brain at least goes, well, they're taking some liberties here. Right. It doesn't do that when you're having that sit-down interview. You're like, whoa, we're talking to an expert here. So like I much prefer – as a viewer and as someone who people talk to about movies, I much prefer them doing them as a fiction vaguer fiction way right

right um unless you got the goods don't don't do some true crime shit yeah if you got the fucking envelope like in the jinx or whatever fine but uh otherwise or just be like this is a documentary about murders don't be like this is like new compelling details like no that's not. Yeah. You're lying. You're lying. All right, let's get into it with Ari. Great interview.

Ari Shafir is here. He's got his new podcast coming out, You Be Trippin'. He does a travel podcast, sitting down with people who have traveled all over the world. Let's get into it. Ari Shafir on KFC Radio. All right, we got a big guest here, Bandit. Bandit brought her bitch with her, Ari Shafir. I heard it's a new barstool where it's all about dogs now. Yeah.

Bro, I was just telling the past. Miss Peaches and Bandit, let's go. Last night I was at a cocktail party. Yeah. For those at home, cocktail parties just have like a drink. Anyway. I'm going to over-explain today. And the only thing people talk to you about

Is speeches It's crazy Really It was like It's nuts how you can totally Redo your public image I was going to say Based on nothing you've really done

Oh You're the one who enjoys his dog Yeah right That's the thing It's not even new or different But all of a sudden There are people I know there are people who hate

Dave Portnoy to their core, who are like, oh, I got to watch him in species. Dude, I have all these normcore friends, like out of- Yeah, they're civilians. Yeah, civilians, exactly. And they're like, they talk about my friends sometimes without knowing, and they were like, I hate him. And I was just like, listen, just to get the word in the street. But then they go like, but then with him, it's like, the worst and i was always like why is he the worst i don't i

don't understand he's trying to like half defend without defending but now they're like oh he's so cool now he buys his dogs thousand dollar posted less he'd still be an enemy right right yeah less of an internet addiction he'd still be an asshole. Right. I had like old men. You had what? Like old men being like, hi, Miss Peach. Oh, my God. The voice. I can't handle the voice.

I was like, you can't be doing the voice. Yeah, stop the voice. If you want to tell me the dog's cute, that's fine. Sure. Do not talk to me in the voice. Do not do the voice. Wait, you got a dog? No, no, no.

Don't come up to him about someone else's. I'm going to talk to someone else about someone else's dog and doing their dog voice. Well, anyway, you should know you're the cutest thing on the internet. You're the belle of the fucking ball. You are the heartthrob of women everywhere. Ari Shaffir. Here's the problem. It's happened a few times now in my career where all your hard work has gone away in an instant.

Here, say something about Kobe. Go. Do it. Kobe's dead and I'm happy. Say it. I could, I've seen it all. I mean, I've been on the internet forever now. I could not believe what I was seeing.

So stupid. I was like, if these bitches knew a quarter, a tenth, a hundredth of all the other Ari Shafir stories, they would be horrified these women come in and like what a romantic i'm like you have no idea what my ass fucking tampons have done to legitimate friends of mine yep there's the bonus there it is she'll be there forever did you get like a ton of DMs and stuff from that? I got a few.

There wasn't much, but it was like quarter reach outs. Quarter reach outs? Yeah, testing the waters. What's up? Because you don't go from a romantic story to like, hey, suck my box. Right, right. You're feeling it out a little. You're getting reach outs from the people you don't want reach outs from.

Yeah, exactly. It's always the latter. Would you like to have a long relationship? You're feeling it out a little. You're getting reach outs from the people you don't want reach outs from. Yeah, exactly. Would you like to have a long relationship? Do you want to take me on romantic vacations? Yeah. For those people who might not know, Ari was on with Lauren Compton and told a story about basically how he more or less kidnapped a woman and manipulated her and lied to her about where he was taking her.

It was forceful imprisonment, really. But surprised her with a trip to, was it called Dollyland or something? No, not Dollywood. Philadelphia, Mississippi. She was just playing there. Oh, okay. Whatever. But either way, I was a big Dolly Parton fan, and he had this big trip planned, and she

put the piece of the puzzle together at the last second. It was like, yeah, we're going to see Dolly Parton. And all of the women of the internet were like, oh my God, Ari should be there. They swooned. They swooned. They swooned. According to the New York Post. Never once reviewed my stand-up. I worked so hard for two decades.

Ain't it that way, though? It's like the worst. When you work hard on something, I mean, this is particularly funny, but he'll do it with his sketches too like the really funny ones or the clever ones are good but the stupid ones go big and go viral for the dumb shit it's like what about like this incredibly like really smart thing i did nope nobody gives a fuck it's so it's so it's so see he says so funny. And to them also. You know, when I was a kid, I thought it was contagious. You thought, wait. So I went to Camp Cathedral, Massachusetts.

Wait, is it though? I've kissed a lot and I'm pretty good. So it's at least not through saliva. Sexually, maybe. But I went to Camp Cathedral in Massachusetts. I actually don't even know what town it is. Camp Cathedral? That sounds like a place to get fucked in the ass. There really were no priests.

Not that I remember. There weren't priests. Maybe it's all blacked out. Behind the walls, just jerking it. There's a tester kit. We'll see which ones we want but we had me and my buddy thought it was contagious and like so they was i mean we were really young believable but we would like hide in trees and stuff away from them we were like fuck fuck fuck here they come my brother and i had a had we were my mom was doing some sort of shopping for like furniture or something. And the lady who ran the furniture store had a daughter.

And she was, I don't know exactly what kind. She was strong. And I remember she held us hostage and she wouldn't let us leave. So you couldn't get around her anymore? We couldn't get around. And then she had this thing that. She's just bullying you. Me and my brother, she held us and she just pushed our heads together. And she just kept, we couldn't get around. And then she had this thing that. She's just bullying you. Me and my brother, she held us, and she just pushed our heads together.

And we couldn't move. She just kept going, two heads, two heads. Forgot about it for a while. And we're like, ah, Michael. She's like, oh, yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared too, Michael. She's like, two heads, two heads. That's fucking hilarious.

God damn. We just unlocked some deep, dark shit. She was something. She was something. She was something else. She was just mean. Oh, man. That's so good.

Yeah, it's so weird how that caught on. We did an hour and a half podcast, and it's like, here's a throwaway thing. Yeah, you would never even think of that story. You probably walked out of there being like, I forgot I even told that. I did. That also wasn't recent, right? It was over the summer. Over the summer, yeah, yeah.

I thought you looked a little different. You didn't have the beard and stuff like that. Hilarious. Oh, the podcast? Yeah. No, the podcast was like a month ago. Oh, it was? A month and a half ago.

I thought your beard was shorter. Yeah, it grows. Funny how hair works like that. Funny how hair works. Wait, so the story itself wasn't that long ago? It was over the summer, yeah. Oh, shit. I thought that was a long time ago for some reason.

No, it ruled, though. What a fucking great trip. Are you a romantic deep down in there? Yeah, I am. You don't do that kind of shit unless you're like... Which of the rapists get flowers? Which others? Challenge, Cosby.

Challenge, Weinstein. Legends of the fall of my ass. Did he produce that? I don't know. I don't know. He did produce a lot of great ones. That's undeniable. Dude, I was thinking the other day, you come in here a lot.

I do. I've known you guys for a while now. I feel like you always kind of have some book or something you reference. Self-help is not the right word, but learning. What do you mean? Give me an example. One book you read was How to Not Think. How to Do Nothing?

How to Do Nothing, yes. And I was wondering because I just read a book of a similar genre. How many books a year do you read? Cat Williams over here. Probably 10 to 15. Whoa, no fucking way. Oh, look who showed up. Oh, wow.

Right on time. I mean. Jackie just time. I mean. Jackie just walked in for those. Listen. Jackie's got the dump button ready to go just in case we recorded this. The dump all button. Why do you guys even have that button? I've recorded you the past five times you've been here.

That'll never happen. It doesn't matter. 50 consecutive good recordings That'll never happen. It doesn't matter. Fifty consecutive good recordings. One bad one. It doesn't matter. I just read a book of a similar genre. And it's ruined my life. Why?

And I'm wondering if you've ever had something you learned that you wish you could unlearn. Interesting. What is it? The Breathing. What is it? Wim Hof shit? It wasn't Wim Hof, but it's a book called Breathe, and it's about breathing. Were you not before?

I wasn't doing it right, apparently. I don't think anybody is. What's it called? The tagline is like the lost art of every day. Rediscovering the lost science. Rediscovering. Yeah, yeah. It's like something we all should be able to do, but we don't do it right.

We sleep wrong. We breathe wrong. Now it's all because I'm a mouth breather. And so, like, now all— Are you still taping? I still tape at night. But all day, you know. I have no idea.

You should record yourself. Yeah, I got to bed a woman. Two time-lapse. But, like, now, like, whenever I'm sitting here, I'm just like, close your mouth, close your mouth, close your mouth. Wow, really? Close your mouth? Yeah.

So you can breathe through the nose? And, dude, I— We know close your mouth, close your mouth. Wow, really? Close your mouth? Yeah. So you can breathe through the nose? And dude, I... We know you breathe through that thing. Get the most oxygen flow. What are you talking about? I'm the guy. I'm the guy. I always make fun of his nose.

Unfair. Challenge. The, um... What was I gonna say? Dude, like, there was one thing in it where it was like... Back in ancient Japan, in order to get passed as a samurai,

they would hold a feather under your nose. And if it moved at all... Can't move. You wouldn't get passed. For how long? No, that's how slow your inhale and exhale is meant to be. Gangster. Because that's how, apparently, inhale and exhale is meant to be. Gangster. Because that's how, apparently, your respiratory system is supposed to work.

And it's all I think about. Really? It's all-consuming. How long? Wow. I'll be walking on the street. I'll close your fucking mouth. Inhale at five and a half seconds.

Exhale five and a half seconds. And I can't stop. It's been two weeks now. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't enjoy it. Even when I'm trying to do it, I don't notice a difference in my life. Like, it doesn't fucking matter. What's it supposed to do?

Make you sleep better? Yeah. They do say if you tape your mouth shut, you get, like, 100% better sleep. Really? It's like your nose filters it so much better. I decided to make a decision to just close my mouth when I sleep. Because when I was sleeping on a plane, if I can't sleep, I just go. And then I'm like, now I'm out.

I just open my mouth. You'll go to sleep. Yeah. But it makes your breath ass. Oh, my God. You just get everything in there. God damn. And then it just dries it out.

Yeah, you wake up, you're like. Oh, yeah. Dead, dude. I've heard the same thing about people who get the the the c-pad machines if you get the breathing machines like you you get you're getting like you know pure oxygen or whatever and you you you know sleep my dad was like i did not sleep he was like i i realized i hadn't actually slept in like 40 years and then when your mom died i finally realized i sleep so peacefully now it was i pointed out the problem my dad goes to bed at like 7 o'clock just to like

I think go to separate corners. No really. Like my mom stays up and he gets up at like 4. So they can avoid each other for a few more hours. She'll wake up at like 9 or 10. He wakes up at 4. That's like 5-6 hours. Plus the 5 hours he goes to sleep early. That's 10 hours of not seeing him.

So they really only got to see each other from like 10 to 5. Do they still sleep in the same's 10 hours of not seeing him. So they really only got to see each other from like 10 to 5. Do they still sleep in the same bed? Yeah, it's crazy. Nobody is committed to this long. It's crazy. When marriage was invented, it was like a 15-year thing. That's the thing.

The most romantic. Yo, the people who were getting married were dying at maximum at the age of like 4. We just talked about this the other day. It was like you were either a guy who died at like 30 or a woman who died in childbirth. Nobody was ever like, let's do this for 60 years yeah it's insane like hopefully if the guy who kills you in a duel is a man who'll at least support me best case scenario i was just watching kills of flower moon the other night and they said the uh how was that movie it's good. I didn't like it. I think I didn't see it

because Scorsese is done. It's over for Scorsese? Scorsese is over party? It's not that he sucked. It's that he had a good run and the run's over. I liked doing I liked it

more my first viewing. The second time I didn't really pay attention it was Monday night after. I didn't care for it at all. But I'm not I'm not some movie like critic but I was like this stinks. I liked I thought for it at all. But I'm not some movie critic, but I was like, this stinks.

I thought it was one of Leo's best performances. That part is true. I'm not saying it was bad acting. I was just like, I don't like this movie. Right. But they say that the... It's not that long. It's like after World War I, I think.

Yeah. No, I forget. No, no, no. No, I think it's earlier than that. It's earlier than that. Yeah. But they were saying the... Because there were still Native Americans around here.

The average age of the Osage was 50. The average age what? Of the Osage Indians was 50. Yeah. 50 years old because there was no kids? No, because they were killing them. I guess that was the average age. They were poisoning them and murdering them.

Oh, all the young ones they were murdering. No, I mean in general. I don't know how much that factored into it, but I think they were just saying like they all, like that's why they had that scheme of like marry one of the women so you can get their property and their blood rights and all that stuff. And it was like the average age is 50. I was like, wait, the average age is what? You ain't going to have to do this long.

That's nuts, dude. Damn. You're almost 50. You'd be dead. Yeah. How long do you think you're going to live to? Oh, he'll be like 130. It's one or the other.

Either a horrible death or 130. I think you'll be like some Upper West Side Jew until you're like 1,000. I think my life will torture people. Yeah. Yes, yes. There'll be a ton of people going, why him and not my sister? I'll be the example of how is that? Well and not my sister? I'll be the example. How is that?

Well, not anymore. We can go to the moon. We can't do this. I'll be the – yeah. I – whenever I have like – not like willing fantasies, but just like when my mind flashes forward, there's never a time where I'm like – An old man. 60 to 80. Actually, I don't think I do that either

I'm like I'm either like when it's starting to all hurt and you're moving slowly you start getting the shakes just dude put me on the passion

my grandfather right now is very sick dude his grandfather just won't die and like and he's a very religious catholic man and he like

wants to go to heaven and he just so he can't just do it he can't he can't just do it he can't he can't he took him off all the meds he's been off he's been off his medication for like eight months what was his medication Viagra now he can still get hard good for grams early rigor mortis

he do we went to Christmas and he was just sitting there like please stay. But the thing is, too, he's not sickly. He's still very with it and all that stuff. But he's just done. He's just out. Well, maybe that's why he's not dying. He's not that sickly, you know?

Well, he's got cancer. How old is he? He's got cancer. 89. He's got cancer. That's about the right age to go. Yeah. That's right there. I think I would prefer pre-85. But you don't. 89. That's about the right age to go. Yeah. That's right there.

I think I would prefer pre-85. But you don't – no. What you're saying is you're predicting what you'll be like. You want to go with the what you'll be like here. Yes. Yeah. You're guessing now. My – but like his grandfather's 89 is probably like my like 65.

Right before. Yeah, right, right. Dude, we did some stares the other the other day me and kevin it might be kevin's 50 yeah really listen by the way it wasn't just like stairs let's not categorize it as just like stairs it was it was it was at the top of a fucking skyscraper and 50 mile an hour winds straight up 155 steps so what'd you do? The edge. The Hudson Yards thing? I didn't do that. Yeah.

How was it? It was terrible. Honestly, it was... I liked the stairs part. He liked... He's an... Listen. It was characterized to me...

I'm not going up to the fucking 50th floor on stairs. It's the 105th floor. No, you take an elevator to the 104th. You walk from like 100 to 105, I think? It's 150 stairs, however many. Yeah, 150 steps like straight up. They told me,

they're like, put on this harness, put on this helmet and we'll put you on a harness and you lean over the edge of the building and you get a good view

and I was like, all right, cool, whatever. And then they were like, let's go to base camp and I was like, what the fuck is that? Base camp. And I,

like we walk outside and it was, I don't know, like Monday, if I remember, it was whipping winds on the ground. So up there And it was, I don't know, like Monday. I don't know if you remember. It was whipping winds on the ground. So up there, it was like.

And I was like, nobody told me about this. I would have absolutely said no. And then so we fucking hoof it up there. I'm like gassed. And I'm mad. And I'm like, I didn't want to do it. You guys fucking lied to me. So I was just like miserable. And then they're like, now it's time to do the thing.

And they're like, you know, Leo, you're the king of the world like how does it feel guys and i was like can we go now like i want to eat lunch like it truly i i learned did you hold him i leaned off without my thing set in no yeah they did not they were like put this on your left shoulder and loop around your head like to the right and then lean over. And all of us were like, huh? And I just kind of did it and got it right. And he didn't get it right but did it. I was like, you're crazy, bro.

I did it right. You just hung off a building without following the instructions. I just leaned over. We were still, like, strapped in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like he could have fallen off but, like. I just leaned over and kept all my weight back so I didn't want them to yell at me. So I was just, like, leaning like this. And I was like, them to yell at me. So I was just like leaning like this.

And I was like, I'm not strapped in. I was strapped in, but I wasn't strapped in. Nobody checks the fucking training of any of these people. Also. Show me your diploma for fucking carnival school. Totally. He was like, I'm Showtime. Like, we're here to take you to the top.

And then I was like. I'm Showtime. That was his name? Yeah. He was like, Showtime and JJ. I mean, they did a good job, but I was also like. I thought that was black – I'm Showtime. That was his name? Yeah. He was like Showtime and JJ. I mean they did a good job but I was also like – I thought that was black lingo for a second. When you said I'm Showtime, I'm like what does that mean?

Like we're going to go now? I love new black lingo. I'm like what? What are they going to say? We were watching people on like the lower like observatory who are just there to take pictures and shit getting blown away hats flying off people like leaning forward into the wind and i said to them i was like god damn this seems like a liability for you guys that they're still going up and they were like we go up in like hurricanes don't worry come to find out we were the last

group of the day they shut it down after us so i was like you fucking liars wow they're taking us up there i love when you find out later like actually you could it was unsafe yeah yeah yeah dude i did that with i went skydiving and they were like they're like like like hurrying us up like we it was it was honestly like you seen um black hawk down yeah when they're like irene motherfucking irene and they're all like running to the fucking choppers and shit like that it It was like that, us running to the airplane. Because they were like, we got a storm coming. We got to get up there so we can get out before the storm comes. And we were like, maybe we'll just do it tomorrow.

I was going to say. How about no? No, no, we're good. We're good. Let's go. So we had our backpacks on. We're like sprinting to the fucking airplane. We went up and just jumped out into a cloud.

So like it was, for a skydiver like it was for skydiving as far as skydiving goes it wasn't that fun i didn't see the fucking oh yeah just falling into a cloud yeah just white i mean i'll be honest that obviously it's different than skydiving but that that thing was enough for me to be like okay i get nothing out of this i wasn't afraid but i also wasn't like wow like i feel so small in the majestic city. I was just like, all right. I mean, it's a fucking lot of buildings here, man. Holy shit.

I guess. Yeah. Maybe if we did that on a mountaintop and I saw like some beautiful fucking sunset, it'd be different. But I was just kind of like, cool. I feel like you might be that even if you're like on top of Everest. You're like, whatever. Me?

Totally. Yeah. But I know that, I mean, I did it basically for the content. Have you been to Great Canyon? No. I feel you could go like,, I did it basically for the content. Have you been to Great Canyon? No. I feel you could go like, all right, cool. Yeah, totally.

I'm the guy who's like, have you guys seen Google Images? Like, I get it, bro. I could have just looked this up. The visual shit just does not do it for me. I'm much more... Damn. Like, if you could...

You need to be inside someone. If you could tell me, like, do you want to go sightsee or have, like, a great conversation, like, just in a regular fucking room? I would take the conversation 100,000 times out of 100. I don't give a shit about going anywhere. Dude, we were in Tegua, and there's this, like, volcano you can climb, like, on the outside or whatever, and see it, like, it's like a double peak, and you see it, like,

going off all night. It's, like, pretty cool. Not far. Like, a couple hundred yards away. That's crazy. And they're like, no, it's's safe the wind only blows that way so you're like okay cool the wind only blows that yeah it's like there's the trade yeah the winds never shift yeah but legitimately yeah a week later they had to evacuate the whole and it's like it's six hours down all the people just breathe in heavy rock in the air all day. I just learned about some place

I can't remember where it is. There is a constant thunderstorm going. Where? I want to say somewhere in South America. It's like lightning strikes the ground like 150 times a day. Wow. It's like a perpetual storm that is just constantly

going. Lightning striking in the hearts of the women who read that story about me. Jackie, how'd you feel about that? Did you swoon? Jackie was swooning. She was like, I want to,

I heard verbatim, I want to fuck Ari. Jackie said it. Actually, I think it was, I want to love Ari. I want to be in a deep, committed relationship with her.

I want to marry Ari. for real, did you lose weight? Did I? Yeah. I don't know. You look different. She got a nose job different She got a nose job

She got a nose job Lost a couple pounds On her face You lost a couple Nice Happy 16th Bro She was

She was Probably How long were you working here When you got the call? What call? She got a call From her doctor Being like You do in fact Have a deviated septum And she was like Yes Yes got the call? What call? She got a call from her doctor being like,

you do in fact have a deviated septum and she was like, yes! Insurance is covering it. It's a medical procedure now. It was amazing. Judy Golding

said this great bit about she had a deviated septum and then the doctor was like, hey, while we're in there we can take

the size of your nose down. She was like, no, I'm fine with the way I look. And they're like, no, no, we can do it for free. She goes, don't touch my fucking nose. Leave me alone. She's like, no, I'm fine with the way I look. And they're like, no, no, we can do it for free. She goes, don't touch my fucking nose.

Leave me alone. She's probably the only woman in the world who. Yeah, yeah. I have a deviant septum, and I have been told I should get nose surgery. And I have no idea what I would do if I did it. Yeah, can you choose the style? Can you do the up and down? But I mean, like, I don't even know if I...

I would cut that thing in half. Breathe clear. But, like, yeah, but they can fix that without fixing my nose, and I don't know if I'm... I think if you're a dude who gets a nose job, I think you're... Yeah, I don't think I'm going to ever do any part of it. You're going to have black eyes for a while. But I don't think I'd be able to be like...

It's a whole new you. Yeah, it's a part of it. Francis got that done. Me? Francis got that done? Francis got it. He got kicked in the face in a fight once. Story tracks.

That guy looks kickable. A lobsterman in Maine kicked him in the face while he was standing up. Imagine that, getting a samurai kicked in the face. But he, like, one side. He said he learned about it when he first went to do coke, and nothing happened. And just nothing blew up. It went up his nose. Yeah.

And then he, so he got the surgery, and, like, it opened up his airways, and he was like, I, like, my entire life changed. He's like, I'm getting oxygen now. I guess that makes sense. If you're getting half of the oxygen you need. Yeah. You know? Hey, you guys reminded me of a joke earlier.

Hit me. It's a two part joke. It's an old stock joke. What do you call a woman with one leg? Do you know this? No. Eileen. Here's the second part.

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg? Irene. It's like a 20 parter, by the way. Yeah, I'm sure it keeps going and going and going. By the way, you put Feidelberg in your act, right? I did as an homage. I forgot about that. Have you seen it?

Yeah. Wait, I haven't seen it. Oh, I saw it. Well, wait, I'm recording a special. It's going to be... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's right. I totally forgot about that someone dm'd you right yeah but i think i've seen it i don't know maybe or maybe somebody sent me a clip i don't know but

yeah that's that's honestly it was one of the kindest things and that makes you feel really nice yeah yeah both names of his character. Yeah. When you see it, it's, it's, yeah. Um, let's talk about,

uh, I think it was this Monday night, uh, just passing piss all around the club. You were there for that, right? Oh, skanks.

Yeah. These are skanks guys were doing shots of piss. What? Yeah. They had a doctor on set. You guys were testing your piss or something. No, we had Dr.

Drew was there. Oh, right. I just made things get out of hand. Bro, they convinced this guy. They pissed. You guys pissed like a full cup. It was just me. It was a few cups.

It was a lot. It was a different cup. I thought it was a bunch of cups. When you start pissing, you don't know how much is going to come out when you piss into something. I thought all of them were. There were so many cups. And these stand cups.

I figured they were like, oh, they must all be testing their levels of something. That's the joke. It was all Ari's piss, apparently. Yeah, no, they were going to check my rectum. First, they were going to just be doctors, and then Louis was like, let's check Ari's rectum. And it's like, dude. What?

Here's the problem with skanks. Once you pull out a rectum, that's a cat out of the bag. And how do you do those? You can't undo that. They've done this before. Yeah. Me and Louis had a Mexican stand-up, because Dave, they were trying to see who's the best doctor, and Dr. Drew was going to name it, who the best doctor was among the three of them.

Oh, okay. And I was trying to get Drew to name me regardless. But anyway, and then Dave was like, I'm out. You guys, you do it. And then Louis, I'll give him a rectum exam. We had to have a stand-up. I was like, don't you fucking push in. And he goes, don't push towards me, though.

And it was like, look me in the eye, Louis. So his finger was like on your asshole? Yeah. But he had, don't push towards me, though. And it was like, look me in the eye. So his finger was like, on your asshole? Yeah. But he had a glove on. Don't you push. He's like, you don't push. You don't push, I don't push. Looking at each other, knowing we both want to betray the other. So it's like... On the count of three,

I sit and you push. Let's go. How can we get this guy to agree to my terms? We're both like, how can I betray him? As we're saying it. It's like we saw it in each other's eyes. Yo, that shit gets wild. But who was that guy? They were like.

And then I had my dick out, so I was like, well, I got to piss. I knew I had to piss. And I'm like, let me have a cup. These stand cups are too small. I'll just say that. Yeah, sorry. It's the stand's fault that they can't hold your bladder, dude. So, yeah, two glasses and a shot glass

and then they made this. They were like, Josh, drink it, drink it. They were like, I'll give you 500 bucks if you drink that cup. It was like a fucking tumbler. And he was like, I think he stood his ground on the cup, but then they poured a shot and I watched, I mean, Ari poured a shot and it just like splashed everywhere and then I think that guy just did it for

free. Well, he didn't do the whole glass. But he just ripped a shot of piss This is such a great juxtaposition Of what we were saying earlier Where you change your public image with the dog The second we talked about drinking piss Ari's hugging Bennett Offset Bennett

Offset this buddy Offset this The lightest Drinking piss and letting your dog kiss you Man Offset this? Yeah. Oh! The whitest. The whitest. Drinking piss and letting your dog kiss you. Man. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. And Dr. Drew was just like, I feel like he was disgusted. I'm out. I'm out. But also like, hemorrhoids, huh? Yeah. Dr. Drew's a wild one, man, because he really runs with the crew. He knows all the comics. He's on all the shows.

He's been doing it a long time. His national anthem at Skankfest, at the Fights of Skankfest, was we were all smoking cigars. We were like, who's this angelic voice? He sung it? Wow. They need a professional singer to start this off.

And then we all looked over the balcony and was like, fucking Drew? Yeah, he's a great singer. But yeah, but he's like, it's funny because his a great singer but yeah but he's like it's funny because his expertise is doctoring but he also like doctoring come on he also understands the humor of it yes yeah yeah which is why it works yeah which is why it works like you know he's talking to some of the most unhealthy guys in the world about the most disgusting things in the world but he does it with his doctor voice so yeah we tried to get him we're like have you ever been

you ever get hard at a breast exam? He's like, nope. I'm like, come on. And he goes, have you ever, can you tell a hot dead body versus not? He's like, no. I'm like, you can't see a fucking fat dead chick versus a thin dead chick.

He goes, you don't look at him like that. I'm like, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. There's a part of you that goes, if they were still alive, I would. Yeah. Or also, if nobody was around, I would right now. Unless you're beaten off to it.

You don't know if you'll like it. That's what happened to Marilyn Monroe, right? Her body went missing for like eight hours when she died? I'm pretty sure. At least that's an urban legend. Really? That her body was missing for like a good chunk of time when she died. Well, they had to cover up how they covered it.

Well, I'm sure there's multiple reasons why, but I also think somebody jerked it. I probably would have. It's Marilyn Monroe. Do you remember? You'd have to try. I imagine you were quite a fan of this website. Do you remember Rotten.com? Yeah, Rotten and Just Meat. Call it up,

Jackie. Call it up. Is it still alive? Is it still there? He fucked. Can't or won't. That's smart. Okay. I'll allow that. We don't let the women have computers here.

We used to go look at like a babysitter. We used to go look at like autopsies. With your babysitter? I don't know how obviously how real they were, but I remember we were looking at Mother Teresa's autopsy and shit like that. That's such a vile thing. Fuck Mother Teresa, by the way. She was a fucking bitch. The course of Feidelberg's life changing with his babysitter's decision.

Oh, yeah. No, his babysitter also raped him a little bit. Oh, she used to make me watch, like, porn with her. What? He was assaulted by his babysitter, for sure. I mean, you would have been, like, not a doctor, but, like, a regional manager or something. Yeah, like, that babysitter ruined you, bro. And then just, like, you just have been like, not a doctor, but like a regional manager or something. Yeah, that baby should have ruined you, bro. And then just like you just see it.

She'd come in and tell me about the guy she's been fucking. No way. How old were you? I was probably like early middle school. She was a senior in high school. Crazy. She'd be like, I just sucked the hockey team's dick. And I was like, okay.

I don't think I knew that one. That's crazy. Oh, she sucked four of their dicks before a game. But she told you that? Before a game. You don't play your best. She was like,

we got in the fourth sport and she was like, I was like... In the middle? Doing front, back, side? Like she was bitch? Yeah. And she told you this

as you were a 10-year-old? I was like, I don't even know what this means, lady. It's like too advanced for you. Bro, I've been kind of joking about the babysitter for like a decade now but he really was assaulted wow wow how hot was she really hot yeah so it's probably pretty awesome you should have seen her post nose job too she did get another job that's the true story um but yeah that was doctors like your nose is full of cum

we have to do something we can kill it while we're in there get it lower have you gotten a vasectomy yeah yeah when did you do that five years ago six years ago seven years ago so you've just been blowing loads dude it's so good why are you guys gonna get one no i saw uh che dorana got dorana got one not too long ago he's a pretty young dude he went with the preemptive really to me and i i remember you getting it yeah i was surprised that at when women will when you go later vasectomy they'll just go like you can just see that the look on their eyes and they just like they won't say it right away, but they're like, I'm going to get filled up. So wait, are you saying that the vasectomy is a little of a...

Aphrodisiac. A little of aphrodisiac. It's just like, oh, it's like worry-free loads. Well, it's just such a burden for them. We don't do anything. We're running hot. I'll be honest. Every load I've ever had was a worry-free load.

I've had a lot of stress after. But in the moment. Oh, listen. Nobody's worried at all. There wasn't a single care in the world. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I mean, think about chicks.

Half the time, they're not coming. wasn't a single care in the world oh my god that's so funny i mean you think about chicks like half the time they're not coming so they're not in like that state of like do anything whatever who cares you're right and they're on the meds or the patch or the shot shot or the the fucking turkey wish bone thing like yeah it's it's just a nightmare for them yeah and then they gotta worry about like a drop getting out a fucking microscopic little dude i fucked a chick once in nashville and she was i was like i did the due diligence of like you try to have the conversation the best way you can like do you have anything have you had anything in the past one thing i always did was i'd say like i've had chlamydia before start the conversation

off with like hey i'm not perfect but also replies i got nothing now but i'm just letting you know so if you got anything and then they have hit me with like i have herpes but it's under control i'm like let me think this over when i'm not hard it's probably the best or whatever or i'll go slow i shouldn't get it yeah the friction won't be enough but but and then it's also like you get herpes you go slow what would you do if you got pregnant? It's part of the conversation. Like, hey, I'm not looking to come inside you, but just if it happened. And this chick was like, no, I would never get an abortion.

And it's still like, I'm going to go a couple clean strokes. What a dumb fuck. What a dumb fuck move. And after I got the vasectomy, the doctor's like, two months or something like that. Yeah, you gotta clear it out. You clear it out.

I still fucking shot a load with no condom in that two months. It's insane how stupid we are. Can you tell the difference? It's insane how dumb. Like your brain just gets, like smart people become dumb, reckless people.

Rogan used to have a great bit about it, how when you got a boner, it's like you're in the back of a bus and someone else is driving. And the whole time you're like, hey, I think you missed a turn. Hey, my house is that way. It's already like midnight. I should be going home. I've got a big thing tomorrow.

Come on. Hey, what are we doing? And then he goes, as soon as you come, you're in the driver's seat. What the fuck? Where am I? Yeah, what a, you're in the driver's seat. What the fuck? Where am I? Yeah, what a great bit that was. That's funny.

We met him for the first time. Oh, yeah. How was it? It was good. She's cool. It was very funny realizing that he is exactly the same person he is. He's just a dumb fucking dude. We were just talking about fucking MMA and Elk Meat and shit.

I was like, wow. Okay. That's your scene it's so funny how very famous people i'm sure your buddy dave has the same shit has things thrust on them you know as like an idea of them right right and then you're like he's never done anything to really earn that other right it's like one or two conversations my business got bigger yeah so now suddenly i'm a national security threat. I will say, because Dave is – I was thinking about who are the most famous people I've ever talked to.

Yeah. And I think it's – we did an interview with Hemsworth, Chris Hemsworth. We were debating maybe he is the – Yeah. Right there. Wow, right there. Yes. That's a picture of him.

Yes. That's right. That's right. But I will say People who need Bodyguards in public Is a level of like Whoa Holy shit

Especially when you yourself Are a bodyguard Dude I'm around Those guys as bodyguards It's so funny Or sometimes I'll see guys Now it's so funny You see the guys

Who want to keep up With the other guys So like They need one right They can't Even if it's just like Move move Forget like kidnapping threats If it's just like, move, move. Forget like kidnapping threats.

If it's just like, get out of the way. This guy needs to like, drink his coffee. Yeah, there was some dude who was like, a little too drunk and a little too, and the guy came over and was like, get the fuck out of here. But then you'll see like, mid-level comics, like, I'm getting a bodyguard. It's like, oh, is this a status thing? Get the fuck out of here. No way. I mean, yeah, maybe that's the move.

Like, maybe we should just pay for bodyguards and make people go, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? It's like you have a fake paparazzi. Maybe Jack can look more butch and just fucking be like, Jack, you're a new bodyguard. Ex-military. I could very much go for one of those guys who is the bad guy who steps in and goes,

hey, come on, just keep moving. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like when people get a little too drunk and they linger a little too long and it's fine, but you're also like, I don't want to do this anymore. Dude, I saw one of Rogan's guys in action once doing it. We were all at dinner. We were all eating.

And some guy just wanted to like – he didn't just want to say hi. He wanted to disrupt. Yeah, we're all talking. Also, it's like, no, get out. It doesn't matter. Nothing you can say. But he's walking by from his table and then outward near the front. And then he steps up to say, hey, man.

And this guy, if you'll get it or something, but he just goes, as he's like, hey, Joe. And he goes, hey, Joe, is that going to help you? And he goes, no. I'm like, how did you get that fast? I clocked him, see him from way back. Yeah. Even like when we go to like the super bowl we have a bunch of ex-cops who kind of just oversee like the whole operation yeah and it's really not like we're

never in danger but it's they almost just like drive us back and forth and but they they told me they they're like we are always like clocking everything wow and like 99 percent of time we don't see anything but we always are like a little weird oh he's good and you know they just like once you once you have that in you you don't stop it's funny too when you're not the celebrity because i've been you guys probably are too the the the um satellite of the fucking yeah yeah you can see it all you can see oh yeah looking at them and totally all of a sudden cameras just people putting cameras over the top of the circle like when shane walked in it became like... It's so lame.

I went to a bar with Shane at Austin and it was like non-stop bros just asking for pictures. I was like, Shane, your life fucking sucks, dude. This is fucking bad. This is not fun. Then they're like, we got a private room for you. I'm like, I don't want to be in a private room.

I just want to be at the ball. I just want to be talking and looking at TV and chicks and just talking to my friends. We've always been pretty much right at that spot the whole time. You guys get recognized, but not where it's crazy. Right. We can go wherever. There's a couple things. It actually feels good still.

It's like, okay, we still got it. I don't want it to totally stop. But the minute you actually need the bodyguard or can't go to the places or whatever we had uh tommy and chris were on before they moved to uh awesome stuff island and they were telling about like i think they were on the road with shane in like oklahoma or somewhere like that and they were like went to get like a burger at like uh not a rest stop but like a roadside burger place like in the middle of nowhere and they were sitting in their car eating it and some guys like knocking on the window like are you

are you shane gillis and they were like we can't fucking go anywhere dude bro when that tarantino rumor went the other day it was a rumor i don't even know where it started, but it just went through the internet that Shane Gillis was going to be the lead in Tarantino's final film. And honestly, for a split second, I was like, the dude's on such a hot streak. Maybe. I texted him and be like, is this true? And he was like, no. But I was like, I thought about him for a second. God, I want to be in a Tarantino movie so bad.

Just a bit part. I've wanted it for so long. Show your feet. Oh, yeah. He's a big foot guy. so bad. Just a bit part. I've wanted it for so long. Show your feet. Oh, yeah. He's a big foot guy. I do have hot feet. You have hot feet? No.

You have hoofs. I do. I have fungus on one of my feet. Oh, my God. A long time. You are a disgusting man. Do you really? People are swooning, dude.

This is your king? This is your king? You have fungus on your foot that you just don't address? I've tried. That's not true. Put this shit on it. Bleach your feet, bro. What?

Just put bleach on it. No, under the nail. Get your nail removed. I did. Is it like yellow? I did in Vietnam. The lady was like, oh, you just got to take your nail off. And she kept chopping it off until it was down to like there.

And I was like, okay. And she scrubbed it off. And then it just grew back fungi. Here's why you need bodyguards. I saw Portnoy when I was eating somewhere in the East Village. And then I saw him through the window just walking or something, hanging out. And then I was like, oh. My first thought was, oh, I know people he knows.

I can say hi to them. And then it was like it stopped. It luckily stopped. Like, how is's this gonna enrich his life right to say hey i know friends here hey stop whatever you're doing or talking about stop that concentrate on this for a second yeah lose your train of thought and then have to go back to it and then it's like i'm just gonna keep eating yeah and i mean even but, that is not even the worst. No, it's not the worst. There are people who will be like, yo, man, like my friend once, you once retweeted my friend or something like that. I'm like, what?

Okay. What? That is insane to say to me. That is the best thing to tell you. You tweeted this. Bro, I've sent 175,000 tweets in my life. Like, I have no fucking idea man so you liked austin you have a good time we're there very real real quick we we've done two very brief trips we

we did one to do our own live show and the night off we went to the mothership and then last time we just did the the burt and tom vodka party and then two bears the next morning and then flew out so wait the mothership trip is a different trip correct why'd you go there we had our own show in austin that so like saturday we had a show so we got in friday and went to the mothership oh no i did he was i didn't go mothership school yeah you never go i i know he always goes he's always that was the ruins were in the playoffs yeah he's he's the yes guy he's the reason why we went to i did not want to fly to austin i got a new podcast. You didn't come. That's so hungover from Amsterdam.

That's fair. I'd come back anytime. Whenever you want me, text me. I'm in. He actually is better. Like, that Amsterdam story is the only travel story I've got. He's got more, so he should go. He goes a lot of places.

Okay. I'm in. But wait, how could I go? I went to Amsterdam too. I know, but you came into the podcast. Yeah, you were just too hungover. I was so hungover. We, like, got in. I know, but you came in and did the podcast. Yeah, you were just too hungover. I was so hungover. We got in, we came in, we did the podcast.

Right, right. I remember that now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were like, come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I would love to do that. Okay, I'll have you in.

The podcast is starting. It's starting. Finally. Yeah. Whenever you are free, I'm in. Okay, cool. As soon as I'm off the road. Okay.

Yeah, he's got a bunch of good ones. He goes on like a whale. I have a lot of good travel stories. Yeah. free, I'm in. Okay, cool. As soon as I'm off the road. He's got a bunch of good ones. He goes on the way. I have a lot of good travel stories. Oh, perfect. The Devil's Breath in Columbia. The Devil's what? He almost got that Devil's Breath where you lose your free will. Yeah, it ended up turning out I just bought the best Coke I've ever had. Who knew?

Columbia, that's who. Nice. But he went to, like on a whim out of nowhere, he went to London for a soccer game and there's, you know, always, he's always done something.

Played hockey in the Czech Republic. I've done a lot. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Oh yeah, for sure. I gotta have you in

multiple times. Yeah, I went and told my one good travel story and now I'll never be on the show again. What's the name of it again? You Be Trippin'. You Be Trippin'.

Yeah. And so have you banked a bunch? Is that what you – Yeah, I banked a bunch. I was like trying to get it all done. Because they are all evergreen, I guess, right? They're all evergreen. It doesn't matter.

And then – and they're coming out, yeah, Monday. Twice a week for a month, go to You Be Trippin' Pod on YouTube and just like You Be Trippin' on whatever. And just like – they're just fun, hour-long, like tell them about a place. Yeah. I'd be very excited to do that. Yeah, you'd be good at it. Also, people who do like it are going to love that. Exactly.

I mean it's a very – Travel, not taking it too seriously. The whole travel industry for like – it's all about it was the most emotional time of my life or I spent time in a prison there. Right. How about just like it was cool? Fun trip. Yeah. Some jokes about it.

Right. Here's where to go. Here's what I like. Here's what I like. Here's what I like. It was cool. It was fun to go. Yeah.

Where is your most like off the map? I know you've been everywhere. But like your most off the map that you would recommend to someone who is a novice traveler? What's a novice? Like someone who's not like you or even me to an extent. I'm not like you i'm not the most off the map to like a semi-beginner traveler thailand's a good entryway i dude i was just at a bachelor party with a bunch of irish dudes and i brought it up again they all are like

we do like thailand yeah because it's foreign but but it's pretty set up for tourism. And doesn't a dollar go like a million? Dude, I was doing the math on, I was at a full moon party there, and we were like, I was just going to bring up the full moon party. I hear it's unbelievable. It's so good. I did an episode about it. Really? Yeah.

Because I'll be interviewed on some of these episodes, where someone's like, talk to me about a place I've been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't interrupt other people. I'll just be like, I've been there. I'll save it for my episode. It's so fun. It's a bunch of, it has nothing to do with Thailand.

It's a bunch of people from all over the world, backpackers mostly, show up in, I think, Koh Phangan or Koh Samui, and they just do drugs and drink. I'm assuming it's just under the fire, full moon, jump ropes. Full moon night, whatever. Yeah, it's every full moon. Yeah. Jump ropes. Full moon night, whatever. Yeah, it's every full moon.

Yeah. There's a website, fullmoonparty.com maybe to like, to tell me when it is. Don't they put like meth in the drinks? No, but they have these, remember the,

remember the extreme gulps? The KFC, not KFC, the 7-Eleven extreme gulps? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it was like you could fill it up every day. Right.

It's five and a third cans of Coke. I would drink one of those a day when I was working at the store. But they fill that up with like six different alcohols and some Coke and Red Bull. Okay, so it's not a fucking much mess, dude. But there's also – Coke, alcohol, and Red Bull is –

You hit me with the hardest – I was like, oh, they all lied. Because they were telling me a story about how like they were all fucking up at like 6 a.m. And people were like, what drugs have you done? They're like, nothing, but we've been drinking this thing. You drink it, man. It's all caffeine. There's also a mushroom shake area where you can just get mushroom shakes.

You pay for a ticket? Like this has got to come from somebody, right? No, you pay when you get there. So it's all food vendors that do the things. And they'll do this. They'll show you like a brand new bottle of like Jack Daniels. Like you want one of these? One of the small ones.

Like yeah, that go in there. And they go, okay, sure. And they go. And then it's some fucking 1917 fucking version of fucking Jack Daniels. They just put some just terrible refilled shit whiskey in it. She has to be like, I need to see it. I need to see it open. I need to see it crack.

I need to see it open. Don't turn around. Mushroom is Whipp I need to see it. I need to see it open. I need to see it crack. I need to see it open. Don't turn around. Mushrooms, there's whippets. People do it. I saw a guy fucking just eat it, just go on one of those balloons, and then just go, get up laughing and go, that was awesome. And we're like, three. That place rules.

There's a lazy river like there are bars on it And you kind of like They just like throw out a rope That's Laos That's Laos That sounded awesome too Cambodia Yeah

Who's been there Colm Thoreau's been there Irish Danny Palaszczuk has been there Irish are fucking Yeah they go for it But Thailand is like The entryway into like

Hey it's foreign But it's still sort of safe Yeah yeah yeah So that would be where's the craziest place period you've been where you're like I'm not doing that again

there's there's almost no place I would be like I'm not doing that again really if it's gotten like Ecuador I lived in for six months

but it's I think it's pretty bad right now I think the gangs have taken over the government you you have not been there's not been a moment where you were like

in a fucking like river in a jungle being like I gotta get the fuck out of here there have been it's almost always in my head of like oh shit looking back you're like yeah there was a time in east timor because people like americans do go get kidnapped and fuck you know like shit does happen and you just never run into any problems more happens here yeah right i've almost died five times in my life, and everyone has been in America.

True, true. I mean, we were talking about Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, in East Timor, I was on a moped, and I was just going along, and I heard about my half-brothers in the Army, captain of the Army. He goes, if you're going there, man, that's – Where is this, East Timor? East Timor. It's off Indonesia. Timor-Leste, they call it, which is east.

But he goes, it's bandits are there. Not you, buddy. And he goes, don't go any further east than Dili, the capital. And I went to the east. And I'm on a moped, and these guys are passing me, and I'm like, fuck, this is bad. They keep clocking me, and they keep looking at me. They go up ahead, and they pass. They're just smoking cigarettes, watching me pass.

I'm like, fuck, they got motorcycles motorcycles i got a moped and i'm getting further and further away from everything i'm like this is bad news and then they were just christians yeah we don't like you no so that nose coming a mile before the moped and they're like we know what this is they just invited me to eat with their family. I was like legit worried. But they were just like, we should invite this guy over. That's very funny. Yeah, so it's almost always in your head. What do you think of? That's out there.

Myanmar's out there. The uncharted places are like the best. What makes you just want to experience? Like Sam Talent goes into shows in a lot of like ranches. Sam went to Ecuador for a while. With you? No, his chick was there, so I gave him advice.

It's so fun to, like, relive a place where you're like, oh, go to this place, go to this city you're going to. Oh, you got to try guinea pig when you're there. You got to do this. You've eaten guinea pig?

Yeah, it's so good. It's so good. I challenge that. Yeah, it's so good. There's no way guinea pig's that good. It's better than duck. Really? It's so good, dude.

Listen, I eat a lot expecting it to be like, I'm just going to try this and forget it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when you go to a town like Malortz, you're like, I'll try it. It's hard. It sucks. Yep, it sucks. Okay, I had it. I'm done.

But you've got like a thirst for guinea pig now? Dude, I'll have it. If it's on a menu, I'm like, oh my God, no fucking way. I love it. They have these Chantikouros, which are like beetle larvae are not as good wait how do you eat guinea pig in what form is it is it like a splayed out no way yeah uh splayed out and so that you just like eat the skin is so tough you can't really get but you can eat the cheek meat and it's like this smiling the whole head is in there the whole head is in

there um uh oh man i I got to show you. You eat it raw. It's not like you put it on a cracker or whatever. No, but I'm saying you just eat the meat. It's not like it's a sandwich. It's not a... Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, dude.

It's so fucking good and not that expensive. Worse, it's like $30 for a whole one. I'm not surprised. That sounds expensive to me. I must not be... $30 for a guinea pig? Oh, no, dude. They're fucking like this big. I don't give a fuck, man. It's a $30 for a whole one. I'm not surprised. That sounds expensive to me. I must not be paying $30 for a guinea pig. Oh, no, dude. They're fucking like this big.

I don't give a fuck, man. It's a guinea pig. I wouldn't pay more than $4 for a guinea pig. You can get like a steak for $30. That guy who dated that actress who killed him later, made him commit suicide, whatever his name is, the chef guy. Anthony Bourdain? Yep.

He said it's the most sustainable, could solve world hunger. It's delicious. Wow. Sustainably delicious. You just started slaughtering guinea pigs everywhere? When did I go to Ecuador? 2020? When was COVID?

2020. 2020. Yeah, I got to show you this, but I'll keep looking for it. That's fucking nuts. It was so fucking good. What do you do? You try foods when you go places? Yeah, I do.

I'm a when in Rome guy. When in Rome. I like that. Yeah, I like that. Feidelberg's a big yes guy. Yeah, I invented it. So profound. Never heard of that before.

Yeah, no, I'm pretty easy breezy. If I'm somewhere, I'm going to participate in the culture as long as they'll have me. Yeah, that's the way to do it.

I mean, it's like, I hate places. I mean, if they're eating it, it's something. Yeah, but. I mean, like, it's like I hate places. I mean, if they're eating it, it's something. Yeah, but even just like I hate going on vacation and going to a resort and just like sitting at the bar next to a guy from Connecticut. All inclusives can suck a dick.

Why the fuck did I come here if I'm just going to hang out with some guy from New England? Yeah, agreed. It doesn't make any sense to me. So I think that's my mom. My mom, like, traveling when we were growing up always hated. She's like, we're not staying in resorts. Really? out with some guy from new england yeah it made sense to me so and i think that's my mom my mom like traveling when we were growing up always hated she's like we're not staying in resort really so we're staying like in town in like a boutique or whatever kind of hotel like that's cool impresses upon you like the culture and uh so yeah i i would fuck it i hate going to

like a place and just staying at a nice resort yeah it's like when they bring you food it's like what have I done? You want to at least make the mistake. You feel like, particularly I'm picturing now going on Caribbean vacations, when it's just a thousand white people at the Four Seasons and a bunch of black people working, you're like, this feels very uncomfortable.

Right, it feels like colonialism. You can just feel it taking over. Some guy will be like, you want to rent a jet ski? You'll be fine. I'm like, I don't fucking think so. You want to rent a jet ski. It's always that. It is always that.

God damn, I can't find these fucking pictures of this guy. I want to show you so bad. I never heard people eating guinea pig. I did not know that. No, I didn't think so either. The cheek is what's really getting me. Yeah, but there's cheek meat. There's a lot of cheek meat. But you've got to really get to it. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess you think about it. And did not know that. No, I didn't think so either. The cheek is what's really getting me. Yeah, but there's cheek meat. There's a lot of cheek meat.

But you've got to really get to it. Well, yeah, I mean, I guess you think about it and that's really... Wow. I would think of it as more skin than meat, but, you know.

What's the best job you've ever had? I worked at Arlington National Cemetery as a horticulturalist. What? But really just laying pipe. Jackie, back me up on this. Well, horticulturist, but really just lay in pipe. Jackie, back me up on this.

Well, horticulturist. I feel like that word gets thrown around incorrectly. Oh, here we go. Oh, boy. Okay, that's his head in front of my head. Just flip. Oh, that's big. You're right, that is big.

Yeah, that's just his head that you take off, but he's still got the smile on him. Yeah. It looks like those are teeth on them. Yeah, that's just his head that you take off. But he's still got the smile on him. Yeah. It looks like there's teeth on them. Yeah, yeah. There's teeth on there. Some of it's fried or some of it's on a spit. One or the other.

And it's better than duck. It's so delicious and tangy, and it's such a great way. What should we do? The rabbit's got the gun. Not so fun, is it, Ari? Twitter, let's see. Attack, attack. Nothing.

We watched fucking Once Upon a Time in Hollywood with you guys. Wouldn't it be cool and you kind of agreed? What is a horticulture? Is that plants? Yeah, it's like plants. Yeah, but it really is just we're laying pipe

to like water the lawns and stuff. That job ruled. I feel like you can tell me about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was 16. It ruled so fucking hard. We'd take naps in the graves,

the open graves. Because it was shady. There was no one in it yet. So, for the fucking people that are going to be mad. So you've slept in the grave of a fallen soldier? No. A fallen soldier has entered into my bed. It was not yet the grave

of a fallen soldier. He is correct. That is – there's a timeline and it matters. Yeah, exactly. It does matter. Yeah, that job rule. But your first job at 16, it's like, wow, this is so cool. Yeah.

I would get off at the Pentagon stop because the Arlington National Cemetery stop was at the top of the car. Did you live down – are you from there? Yeah, from Maryland. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, I'm filming my special in Washington, D.C., April 26th and 27th. Nice. Come see my joke about fights. It's not about you. But, yeah, so you do the Pentagon stop.

And then as you get off the Metro and you have to go through the Pentagon parking lot, I would just, like, try doors to try to see if I could break in. I was so fucking dumb. I didn't think, oh, they probably have good fucking cameras. Well, do they? Because apparently they couldn't catch a plane. They couldn't catch a plane. I bet they caught it on camera though.

But they're like, oh, shit. Yeah, I don't know. But I couldn't find any doors that were open. I'm trying to steal CDs and shit. Trying to steal CDs. What an asshole I was. Like that, like you have access to, like, that's like perfect, like 16-year-old brain. Like someone's like, what are you going to do with it?

Like you have access to the Pentagon. What are you stealing? Like blank CDs so I can burn them? Yeah. No, not blanks. Trying to find some shit. Oh, you were trying to find, okay, so you were trying to find actual information. Yeah.

My brain, which is older than a 16-year-old brain, went to went to that's smart getting some uh cd roms so you can burn that i was like no i want to get the weezer dude i got my car broken into in la and they stole all my like actual cds and i was like if i see a mexican listen to weezer i'm gonna i know it's when i lived my last apartment before i lived in the house I'm in now, it was mostly street parking. And every day, my car would just be ransacked. Because I just leave the car doors open. I don't have anything of value.

And I think these guys just would come by every night and just check it out. Maybe this time there's going to be some cash. But every time, the sunglasses thing would be down. The glove box would be open. The center console would be open and i was like i did it again so there was just never anything of value and i was like i know you're not gonna steal my you gotta pretty much go leave a note saying there's nothing in here but leave the doors open right because don't smash the windows don't yeah don't smash the windows to find out you can look through you're not gonna find anything and you don't want to steal this car i saw on samsung

people doing it going door like, like, broad daylight. I was honking once. I was like, fuck. And the guy didn't even look up. He was just like, and then go to the next one. That's crazy. Taking me to the pickup truck. And then the next car, just like, crazy.

They just lost the battle. I one time had my car broken into, and I just didn't realize. My car was so messy, I couldn't even tell it had been ransacked. And the only reason I knew is, like, I was driving on the highway. This is when I was in Boston. And I went to open my center console to check for something,

and there were, like, five burner phones in it. And I was like, what the fuck? But they left them there? Yeah, I guess. I don't know if they were dumping them or what. They're probably like, let's get rid of these. This guy will drive these out of town or whatever. Right.

He'll get arrested. He'll get murdered. I later realized, because it was so messy, that the only thing missing from my car was I had gotten the Supreme snakeskin sneakers. I forget what it was. Some kind of Nike. I'd gotten them.

They were in the box. I'd never worn them. And those were gone. And I was like, damn, that's all they took. But it took me like weeks to find out that's so funny when you see somebody who's pretty much and I uh and it's like yeah when they when they broke in they stole my they my it was like an aftermarket um yeah stereo sound system yeah and they took that but they were like well you got to pay for it then fill out out an insurance thing, and they pay you back. And I'm like, I don't have the money to put that out.

I was such a poor comic. And I was like, how do you do insurance? How do you fill that out? And I just had a hole in my fucking thing for about a year. You were living out in San Francisco? No, that was L.A. That was L.A. Yeah, yeah.

But San Francisco, I was just there a few months ago. How long were you poor? Listen, I always had a safety net I could always have moved back home So the poor was trying it on Got it They weren't going to ship me money They didn't have that kind of money

But I could have moved home and moved into my old room I was never going to be homeless But probably about 7, 8 years Maybe 9 years And then comedy just started to click? Then it started to take off I started booking commercials I guess eight years maybe nine years and then comedy just started to click then it started to take off um yeah i started booking commercials i guess so that paid some stuff but like man that that poor

those poor years set me up for you can't fuck with me anymore my my tastes are not that high yes i can do anything now it's not like like you're not going to see me complain about them checking my bag when I'm in first class. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, my God. But you know what? I got a window seat. I'm great. Dude, there are plenty of people, though, who have gone through it and lose that quick.

Lose it quick. Lose sight of it. It's not like if you do that, you're guaranteed to have that. I guess you're right. It is a type of person. Yeah. Yeah. It blows my mind that there are people like that.

That just immediately like, I would never do this. Right. You did it fucking two minutes ago. You know? It's crazy. For a long time. Yeah, exactly. Especially in the comedy world.

I feel like it's like a long time of poor and then you're like, you know? I think some of those guys are waiting to not be that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's, I mean, Dave, we always joke it's like dave you know blue collar uh by the common man for the common man and immediately got money and became like a rich asshole and we called him on it when he first got money and he goes i was always this guy i just didn't have the money to do it yet i've just been waiting it releases you it releases your expandability yeah yeah so yeah that was actually his fourth dog the other ones weren't as cute

so guess what ladies there's one swooner what do you what do you what do you think of uh i feel like you were kind of the first were you the first like rogan comic no no there was others you were pretty early though no he was he'd always like ask guys to open for him diaz was before me there was other guys too mike young matt kirsch duncan yeah i think duncan was before me what do you think of that just like the whole rogan effect i mean listen maybe you open for pete davidson and didn't know that he just stopped doing stand-up. Right. You got lucky that somebody who became the most powerful man in fucking broadcasting.

It wasn't like we planned for that. Right. But it was cool that some fucking headliner would take you on the road with him. And he'd buy you meals when you couldn't afford them. Right. Yeah, he'd be like, put the money away, put the money away. I'm like, no, no, I feel bad if I was like, let me chip in. He goes, dude, I get it.

It's not a power move. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just shouldn't do it. Right, right, right. Yes, yes. I just try to pay him back by treating poor comics because I can't pay a guy back who has, you know, everything. Own estate money.

Yeah. I mean, that's the way to do it. Yeah. Right, pay it forward sort of thing. Has he, when he, like, puts guys on, is it ever like a conversation where he's like, you know, I think you're great and I want you up next? Or is it just like, hey, I want you to come on my show? Like, it's not, is it a more orchestrated thing than it is?

No, I think it's an extension of how it used to be where it would be like, hey, you're really funny, man. Yeah. Oh, thanks, dude. And now he just has the ability to- We're just that, even as a young comic, and I kind of forget now that I've become a headliner, what that means to a young comic. Right.

Like, you're still just- I saw Louis C.K. once, before all this stuff that happened, at the Cellar, and he was doing a set, and he kind of looked down like this and he was like, there's fucking crumbs on me. And then he was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? There's just crumbs resting on the outcropping of my dumb fucking fat belly.

And it was just like, I'm like, that's just a schmendrick. If he didn't have wealth or fame, he'd be like, who's this disgusting redhead fatty? You know? And then, so stuff was put on him.

So just that alone of like a headliner going, hey, that was really funny. I was on news radio. That was really, thanks man. Carlin used to do that.

He would come in the back and ask people to get off. He was like, that was really great. He knew who was George Carlin. He knew what it meant for George Carlin to be telling you

that was a funny set. Carlin told you that was great? Nope. But other people. He told other people. And he also wouldn't throw it around when it wasn't warranted. Well, that's good, though, because it means something. Exactly.

And you walk by, you're like, oh, maybe he didn't hear me. You walk back. Walk forth against higher shoes. I'm like, damn it, he's tired. I knew I found. But, yeah, just doing that alone. And then just being cool, just being that alone. And then just like, just being cool. Just be an example of someone who was like, he was just on a TV show.

On like a 25th ranked TV show. You know? Just a semi-celebrity. Everybody's bigger now than he was then. Right. But there weren't as many people. So just that alone. And then he was like, you want to come on the road with me one time?

Yeah, okay. And then just just like showing you how to be showing you how to take chances on stage that part was all the cool part that was all way before the podcast right he couldn't do anything for you he got man show he got one friend a writer job you know i mean he had no power so it was all it was all the same thing so this now is just an extension of that where it's like well i, I do have this thing. So if he sees like a funny comic, like he saw like this lady, Laura Bites, late night once at a store. She's like, oh, damn.

She was fucking late night at a store. Sometimes you see people just crushing in front of nobody. And you're just like happy to be done drinking or smoking weed. You come back up and somebody's fucking just like, this is hilarious. And he's like, oh, it was so funny. Hey, you want to come on my podcast next week or week or something yeah or you get in their head but it's not like no it's not orchestrated like i'm gonna put you over right right i still have a hard time asking comics to come on the show i know i feel like i'm bothering them the uh yeah like i i'm

like it's it's I need to shift my brain to like some guys are good at it some guys are just ask everybody hey come do my podcast but I feel like

I'm like asking them a favor and I don't like asking people for favors yeah exactly and I almost feel like it's also like insulting sometimes

to ask them to come on the show because it's like I don't know like them being like I don't fucking my response would be I don't fucking need need you in the early days when i started joining up with you guys and when i had my old podcast skeptic tank it there weren't as many pods and

it was like hey you want to come do a fun thing yeah and then it became like i'm bugging everybody yeah because everybody's got one and i really just didn't want to bother guests i also liked it when it was like outlaw I'll always help you promote your special your book or whatever I liked it when it was like

do you want to just come and talk just come on nobody had anything going on you didn't need to have a thing when people are like can we do it in six months when I have a thing going on

it's like we can but also do you want to just come on now and you can come back in six months too we can do this all the time exactly

it's a good excuse to come on now because also like the network's both ways. Like am I bothering you? Well, I've also learned that the people that I've become the most friends with, I have on the show the least because they've become almost like my friends. You know what I mean? Like I haven't had DiStefano on the show in like years. But I talk to him the most. And I'm always like, hey, we should – you should come back on the show.

He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's always like, oh oh but i got this thing with my kids we'll do it next time it's almost because we're friendly that it's like oh we'll do it next time we'll do it next time we'll do next time yeah exactly and then bug him to do it right that's yeah with this one too i'm like you want to come on i'm home the whole week and they're like uh i'm like don't worry about it buddy don't worry about it the minute that there's like a you know well i don't want you to this is gotta be to be fun. I'm not pulling teeth here. It shouldn't be like pulling teeth. I mean, the times that we have had people come in and be like very clearly like don't want to be here. I'm like, what are you doing here?

Yo. We assumed you wanted to be here by like, you know, your people. You can tell those people too, right? I don't understand. You're standoffish. I didn't. We're like one word answers. You should have said no.

I've said no to stuff. And maybe it's like some publicist is making me do this and no I said no to stuff And maybe it's like Some publicist Is making me do this And I did say no Or whatever But it's not you guys Right right right

I very much Because we don't go On a lot of shows And I We've recently done Two Bears We did Leanne's show I think it was one

Bro we're the worst It's like the number one Way people grow We've just never done it So anybody who has a podcast That's big enough We'll do it I very much like that Yeah That's fun When you don't have. It's like the number one way people grow. We've just never done it. So anybody who has a podcast. That's big enough. We'll do it. I very much like that.

Yeah. It's fun. They're fun. When you don't have to, it's like, if this goes well or bad, I don't care. I don't mind for this UB Tripping one

because it's like, the skeptics, I started to feel like I was bugging people. This one, I'm like, no, you're going to want to talk about this stuff. Yeah.

It's actually fun. I like hearing it. I'm not just using you for fucking advertising. It is. Even when you started just telling your stories, I got locked in. Yeah, they're fun. Travel stories are fucking awesome. fun right i like hearing it i'm not just using you for fucking advertising yeah it is even when you started just telling your stories like i like walked in yeah they're fun travel stories are fucking awesome and then and then halfway through you start going oh yeah that yeah yeah shit you didn't think about for so fucking long but that's also a testament to like your podcast has to be

good enough that you get that you elicit that from somebody because when you come in and it's just like you know i don't know they ask you the same questions as a podcast which is that's that's fine but almost all their podcast is i talked to interesting people about things and it was like so you're just not doing the comedy part yeah yeah i noticed that a lot we're all just i think that's a rogan thing too though like why did we go that route? That is part of Rogan's thing is he talks to interesting people about interesting things and then there's like

this domino effect where it's like and then they go on this show and this show and this show and it's like I don't need to hear. Oh my God, you see them. Rogan launches them

and they get onto every fucking podcast. Lex, Friedman, Huberman. Right, right. Enough with you. Right, right. It's just like and everyone's like

I love this guy. I didn't know he existed a fucking week ago and it's like you're all probably the same audience too so we're hearing the same things you talked about this once can you talk about it again for me dude that's the biggest thing because we get like celebrities on sometimes

and they have their story those are my least they're very nice people. And but it's me who does the worst job during the interview. So I'm not just asking questions because like I know we need to get a clip from this and that. And like it's it's ends up being a bad, not fun interview. It's not just sitting here shooting.

You guys have that guy who's in that new Tom Cruise movie. The one from the good girl. Who's that guy? Tom Cruise.? The one from The Good Girl? Who's that guy? The new Tom Cruise movie. The Good Girl? What's the new Tom Cruise movie? What's The Good Girl? No.

The Girl Next Door? No. New Girl? New Girl. New Girl was a TV show? Yes. There was a guy in that. Oh, Jake Johnson.

He's awesome. You had him? Yes. Did he tell a story about, was it from this? Yes, where Tom Cruise made him do the movie? Yeah. Yes. I watched that, and it came across me i'm like whatever yeah i watched it it registered as not as a rote thing he said before but i'm like i guarantee this is his story he tells yeah the

well that you know what that's a great point because Jake is actually awesome. He sold it. That's not just on autopilot. That was one I asked because I knew that story. I didn't know to that extent, but I had read. I think I said it. I was like, you worked with Tom Cruise or whatever. Oh, I knew the story of how he tried to quit. That's what I knew.

Because he flew over to London and tried to quit. The rest of it, I did not know, the training and all that stuff. But I wanted to hear about that. So that was something – But that – I mean if you have a Tom Cruise story, that is a story you'll probably retell. I know, but it's like when you're promoting a movie, you go boom, boom, boom, boom. In the old days, no one would ever hear it. Yeah, yeah. Now you hear them all. But I get, like,

I'll hear things on our show that I thought are, they're not interesting enough to be retold. Right. I thought they were just like, kind of like a slice of life observation. And then I'm like, oh, you did it on Fallon

and you did it here and you did it there. I'm like, that? That's what you go to? Yeah. You gotta get your publicist to fucking go over your shit. Yeah. Dude, the, that happens That's what you go to? Yeah. You got to get your publicist to fucking go over your shit. Dude, that happens with comics too, though. Absolutely.

They're like, I don't want to waste this joke, but they do. And they just tell it all the way up, higher level stuff. Get it ready for Rogan. I remember when we. Ready for Rogan. Ready for Rogan. When we started, it was that we did something with Burr and someone else. I forget.

And they were in New York, so they came on the show. And we did the show, and they told some story that I was like, holy shit, that was fucking hilarious. And the way they told it, I remember with Burr, it came up naturally. So I was like, wow, I think we just got a good scoop. Then we get to the show. We go to the show. Burr in particular, I remember, we're walking to our seats at MSG,

and I'm like, holy shit, he was talking about this podcast yesterday. He just put this into his act. And then I was like, no, you fucking idiot. The soldier got in my bed. Yeah, exactly. I have never said that before. Oh, no, no, I was just saying that.

I thought it was. Me and Renesisi were doing a pitch once a long time ago, pitching a show, and you got a routine down. And some of it even was us messing with each other. Yeah. As like friends not doing the pitch part. Yeah. It was so odd. He's such a good actor, though, that it was like he could lead it

and make it believable. For sure. Yeah, I mean, if you have a friend or a co-host like this, you definitely have material and routines that kind of happen. But I just – some of the stuff that was – I always feel guilty about that. I feel weird. I feel bad for Kevin when we just did Two Bears

and I told a story that I've told a million times. And I was like, fucking, this sucks for Kevin. I have to listen to this bullshit again. I don't care. And the audience. But nobody really cares. This whole thing is couched. Go ahead.

Last night I was talking to two salespeople. Yeah. And one of them was changing careers. And they'd been together for 14 years as a duo. And they were like, the guy, he was like, it sucks. Like, my routine is gone. Yeah. I was like, oh oh it happens in every

industry yeah yeah yeah you walk in every i say this you say that yeah yeah you see the guys that like disney doing that like like they make dumb jokes about like on their little cruise thing yeah you know it's like you said that a hundred thousand times you can hear it on like cruise like not cruise like uh um tour guides that's a tour guide right like speak where it's like and this is no and then they make some pun about poop or something they don't fully say it dude i i was a a tour guide in newport rhode island once if i could give you any advice it's do not ever trust a tour guide because my job is to entertain you i'm not telling you the truth like i'm just making up stories about places for. I heard an NPR thing on that about how at Graceland,

before the internet, it was like whoever gave the tour of Graceland was the expert, but then they were just like, we don't fucking know. Yeah. No, no, I heard that the tour got a place. I mean, that's probably very recent. That's actually not true.

We were talking to somebody about it. The story was on my boat. It was like, wrong. Wrong? We had some comic on. What? not true. We were talking to somebody about when his story was on my boat. It was like wrong. Wrong. We had some comic on. What? We had some

comic on who was older and I was I can't remember who it was but we were talking about like his age

being like a thing or maybe we were talking about Dane Cook or something like that being older and it was like up until like

recently you could just like lie about your age and then eventually it was like, up until recently, you could just lie about your age. And then eventually it was like, Wikipedia would tell you, no. He's born in this age. I'm still 28. I've been 28 for 10 years. Yeah, actresses would always lie about their age.

That's a very recent change. Yeah. Crazy. You know that guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob. Guys, come on. My thing is, this whole thing is couched in we're all just talking. Yeah, yeah.

And when you repeat stuff. It ruins the whole fucking thing. It's like, yeah, it goes against the whole grain. I remember seeing early Seth Meyers when he couldn't really get. It was a late show for a new guy. Couldn't really get great guests. And there was some fucking dumb model telling a dumb fucking story and this fucking phony hollywood piece of shit dude i don't care i've never met you but you know that show is fucking garbage

he had to be like oh that's so great and it was like shut the unless you were trying to fuck her shut up there's no reason to act like what she was saying was interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Podcasting is definitely. It's changed as it got more popular. And it's gotten specialized.

We did it for four years before there was a fucking single ad. Yeah. Yep. We did too. It was crazy. So it was like. We're just talking. It was just fun and outlaw. Yes.

Yeah. And then it became a different thing. I noticed it probably when we first moved to this office where we started getting guests who we weren't having a conversation anymore. We were just like asking a question, they were giving an answer. Asking a question, they were giving an answer.

And I was like exactly kind of what you're saying where I was like, oh. I'm not interrogating you. Huh? I'm not interrogating you. I'm just trying to find out some facts. We'd have to find questions to fill the half hour and stuff like that and it was like a like and all the things we wanted to talk about were

always like blacklisted you know what i mean it's like don't talk about the divorce don't talk about this don't know about that it's like at that point i'd rather just have the same seven guests in over yeah right right i just talked to my buddies you really did realize where it's like oh this is this is the new late night couch like it's not like it is all so transactional and so and we have a book i need i need downloads you need to sell books let it out yeah i was talking to ryan long about when i ended my other one because you can end your podcast and i'm like yeah he goes what somebody told me he did i said no way and i was like yeah he goes why i'm like it became work and also we talked it over it was like it was built for a different time yeah it was built for

an audio only. Right. The video is a motherfucker too. Yeah. What the fuck? I hate the video. It's a podcast. It's a podcast. It's a podcast.

It's a podcast. It's a podcast. It's internet radio. Yeah. It's slightly different. It just lives on. Clips and video. And now it's all different.

So it's like, now you build a show. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. You know? It's like a little TV show almost.

Yeah. It's a little TV show. Are you garbage? Which also, it's like, it's its own thing. It's a TV show. It's fine,

but it's like, yeah, there really was when it was just like I listened to this on my commute. I listened to it at the gym. Now it's like, you know. Edited. All the NPR ones that come in. This American Life. Celebrities. Athletes.

The music in the background to like take you through segues. Bro, I keep thinking. I'm like, I don't know why anybody would listen to this one when you can go listen to Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. Right. And this comedian and that actor. And it's like, yeah, they're going to have better stories than me. I don't know what anybody would listen to this one when you can go listen to kevin garnett and paul pierce and this this comedian and that actor it's like yeah they're gonna have better stories than me i don't know writers very produced uh uh like like sleuthing fucking yeah covering a fucking long story yeah and i'm just like yeah i don't know yeah it's like an audio book yeah it's so much better than what any of us do yeah but but

that being said i still think like when when you joe shane and mark get together it's people love that and that is like the old school shit you know also for rogan in particular it's he knows it's good for him there was a moment that i always point to. We're doing that. And good on him to have the guts. I texted him and Segura. I said, hey, me and Shane and Norman are coming to do a spite show at Skank Fest Houston. We're going to sell tickets the day before just to fuck with Lewis. Spite show. I like that.

Yeah, spite drives everything I do. And we could fly to Austin first and drive to Houston. Would either of you be interested in having us? Segura didn't respond. And Rogan was like, I want it. He was like, okay. Let's go. And so then afterwards, we got to do that again.

Now you've done how many of those? Fifteen maybe? Ten, fifteen. Wow. Something like that. They're great. Good ones, bad ones I've been drunk under the table

I mean that picture of you passed out is classic that was a big turning point for them yeah my my

my someone I know who just graduated Michigan State did fucking you know keys whatever you do

when you pop open a can and then whatever they're called shotguns yeah you don't know what shotgun is? I forgot the term long COVID Did fucking, you know, keys. Whatever you do when you pop open a can. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever they're called. Shotguns? Shotguns, yeah. You don't know what shotgun is? I forgot the term.

Long COVID. I'm just playing everything on long COVID. Anyway, so we did that. And then I brought that to Protect Our Parks. I was like, let's do shotguns. And I was like, Shane, you know how to do these. I'm not man enough. He's like, yeah.

And then we started guzzling beer. There was a moment where Rogan goes into some fucking, the Anunnaki or some dumb shit I've heard a thousand times, that Diaz would get so mad if somebody brought up. Yeah. Oh, goddamn. And he started to, and then Norman just goes, and there was just a moment where he looked,

and he could have made the decision either way. Yeah. He could have been like, hey, man. We're talking about aliens here. But he goes, all right, that was boring. And and it was all and it was everybody's people here we're just fucking around yeah no one's better than anybody we keep them in check have your dumb fucking nerds on tomorrow you know not today rogan not today oh it sucks when they're in the green room too it's like what's your nerd in the green room it's It's like, why'd you nerd in the green room? It's for comics only, bro. I don't want some fucking scientist judging me.

Get the fuck out of here. We're trying to make rape jokes. And the ancient aliens guy is here. High fucking government official. Fuck off. Some of them are cool. When you see like a Tulsi Gabbard, he was like,

hey, you're either going to get it or you're going to leave. She goes, oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, those are or you're going to leave. She goes, oh, I get it. But, yeah, those are fun. What do you think of, by the way, Aaron Rodgers going to be RFK's vice president? Is he going to play? Well, dude, so you were yesterday. Are they hoping he gets injured again?

I was like, God damn it. He's just on the list, right? But it's like the short list. It was like Jesse Ventura and Aaron Rodgers apparently have like, he's been like, RFK was like, I've been on the phone

with those guys like for months now. Listen, RFK has no shot. He's running as independent which I'm going to be sober. And then also, he stutters. The independent thing,

he will probably have the most votes like almost ever as an independent is how it's tracking. And it's still not going to, like, come close. It's the voice. You can't.

He's not going to. You can't do that. You're not going to ever be the president without a voice. Well, Jews actually aren't susceptible to COVID. Whatever you do. He had some shit like that where Jews are less susceptible. It's funny. All those guys where they're like, oh, actually, they're speaking the truth about certain things.

And then other things are like, oh, you're a loony. Yeah. But you know what is funny? That is a guy. I've learned a couple. He's a little bit loony, but there also are times where I'm like, this is how smear campaigns work. You know what I mean? That's a good point.

He's not loony. I'm only being presented a misinterpretation of what he says. If you look at a lot of his vaccine shit, some of it gets a little wacky, but a lot of it... Right, what were we saying? How much do we really look into or how much is he just saying something offhanded? You know what he does? He fucked up. Bro, I love how we were just like, I don't want this nerd shit and now the three of us are breaking down vaccines.

No, no, but the thing about... In 30 seconds. The thing about RFK was like, he was saying a lot of shit that was just like, I had dozens and dozens of mothers coming up to me being like this shit happened to my kids. So I started looking into it. And then like a second later, he was like cell phones give you brain cancer. And it was like, well, now like everything goes out the window because you just said some wacky shit about 5G.

You should have quit while you were ahead. Is that we don't really – like the flat earthers, right? That's the sign of a fucking loony bin idiot. i can't prove to you that the world is not flat i can't prove to you anything yeah so i'm like i'm actually just taking the word of my teachers from fourth grade right but that but there's just so many so many things well no actually also that's false i can prove it to you you will tell me that's not true like i can show you a picture of the earth and you'll go oh well that's just a picture well i don you a picture of the Earth and you'll go, oh, well, that's just a picture. Well, I don't fucking know. It's a picture that

astronauts took. This is round, but it's flat. This would be a picture. Well, I could show you a picture of being a sphere. I can show you a video from outer space. I guess not. But yeah, doctor. They did that for the Holocaust too,

by the way. Are those real? Is the Holocaust now real? So, yeah, doctor, doctor. They did that for the Holocaust too, by the way. Are those real? Is the Holocaust now real? So it's a slippery slope. Bro, speaking of, it's not out yet. I don't know when it's going to be out because they stack episodes. Jack, you're not for Jew jokes anymore now that you said it. Our episode with two bears. Bert has some Holocaust analogy that went right over both of our heads,

and we just laughed along with it, and I can't wait for it to come out. Because I have no fucking clue what he was talking about. He kind of – I kind of got where he was afterwards. We're talking about doing bench press and locking out your arms when you do it. And he's like, people who do locking out are like Holocaust deniers. Are like Holocaust deniers. And we were like, what? And he's like, it's like the number, I forget.

The number's higher. But he's like, the point is a lot of them are done or something like that. I was like, okay, I guess so. The problem with Bird is he knows a little bit about stuff, but he's also, I guess, stupid. That's the word. Dumb.

So his jokes are based on a misunderstanding of anything real. But also, I was jumping off from that point. That's podcasting though, bro. That's podcasting.

Back when it was like, I don't fucking know and I don't really fucking care if it's true or not. Oh, I love it when you're on Rogue and he's like, is that true?

I'm like, who cares? Jamie looked at him and I'm like, Jamie, don't look that up. Fuck you, or not I love it when you're on Rogue and he's like is that true I'm like who cares Jamie looked at him I'm like Jamie don't look that up fuck you Jamie it was an interesting story yeah yeah yeah

don't you look that up I'm not trying to fucking change public law who was I forget what actress it was but someone had like you never ruin a good

story with the truth that's what I always say about Diaz people are like do you think that's true I'm like you're focusing on the wrong things who cares yeah totally never ruin a good story with the truth That's what I always say about Diaz. People are like, do you think that's true? I'm like, you're focusing on the wrong things. Wrong things.

Yeah. Who cares? Yeah, totally, totally. Never ruin a good story with the truth. Yeah, I like that. Send on that note because that's the moral of life right there. All right, so the You Be Trippin' is out when officially? You Be Trippin' is out probably this Monday. This will come out tomorrow.

This will come out tomorrow? Yeah. Oh, subscribe now, You Be Trippin' pod on YouTube, and then You Be Trippin' on the listenings Monday. This will come out tomorrow. This will come out tomorrow? Yeah. Oh, subscribe now. You'll be tripping pot on YouTube and then you'll be tripping on the listenings Monday. You know what I do now? I go subscribe when people ask me to. Really?

Nice. All right, I'll do it too. There's not an episode up yet, but go ahead and pre-subscribe. Who's the first episode? Santino. And then I'm doing two a week for the first month.

Norman is the next one. Australia. Santino is the Sicilian Islands. One place, one hour, pretty much. One place, one hour is a great tagline. Good job. Thanks. And then I'm taping my special in Washington, D.C., April 26th and 27th. Tickets

are at rashafir.com. The most romantic man in America. Maybe the world. I got so many texts, and I'm like, God damn, this is not it's so embarrassing. Because I can know a guy who would have leaned into that and really pushed it. It just came up. Have you ever done anything sweet?

Like, maybe here's one. But you're not, and you stuck to being not, and I like that. Yeah. I love the thought of a supervillain though becoming – I thought about you and all these women are like, oh my God, what a heartthrob. What a beautiful man. I'm like, I have made someone throw away their new phone by putting an ass tampon on it. That was kind of what we said first.

You're going to come after me and go, what a great guy. You have no idea what an animal you're propping up. I was like, he rehydrated a cum rag and put it on his face, I think. Or someone else's face. He lost a bet. Like, what the fuck, ladies? He rehydrated it. That's amazing.

It's just proof positive that the internet, you know. Don't trust the internet. You're a dog away from being a hero. You're a dog, man. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.