KFC Radio - Asking Stupid Questions

Episode Date: February 23, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, and Leave a Review! -Feits thinks he could last in prison -Bobby Shmurda is being release from jail -A Ben Askren lookalike beat the crap out of an OU football player -Conspiracy Theorists in Texas think snow is fake -Top 5 people who you know could beat you up by what they're wearing -Voicemails Let us know what you think on twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool Watch along on youtube: youtube.com/c/kfcradio Follow our clips channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCspldj_2KhBix7eVxe2H8xgYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. We're both sober, right? I'm asking for me too it's another edition of KFC radio on the barstool sports network slowing again I'm over it nah I'm over it edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Snowing again. I'm over it. Nah.

I'm over it. I know you're on this like pro snow train. I'll do it. I'll carry this fucking torch. If you want to be out there canceling snow days nowadays, not me. Bring them on more. I will be pro snow. I will represent snow in the court of law.

You will be pro snow until you have to deal with snow, and then you will hate snow. I wouldn't have to deal with it. I deal with it every day. No, you don't. Yeah, when was the last time you shoveled? Shoveling? Heaven's the best. When was the last time you had to drive in it?

When was the last time you even had to go outside in it if you didn't want to? I just play in it, Kevin, and I like it. I am a child. That is my job when it snows. Pick up snow, make snowballs,

see if you can hit that stop sign across the street. And you can. You're good at that. Yeah, I am good at that. Nice little arm. You know, the people in Texas don't believe snow is real. Yeah, I heard that.

It's one of my favorite conspiracies in a while, that you don't believe snow is real. Okay, I've watched these videos and... They are... Listen, they do make you go, wait a minute. I've seen people be like, well, these people are stupid. They think that would melt the snow. And I'm like, yeah, why wouldn't I know? It's a fire.

So there's two different angles. There's the people who have the snowball and they put a lighter underneath it. And then there are people who put the snow in the microwave and it sparks. So I saw the snowball with the fire. It surprised me as well. Right. Okay. So both of them, I the fire. It surprised me as well. Right. Okay. So both of them, I was like, okay, they're dumb.

But tell me why they're dumb. You know? And so this is what I don't get. And maybe these people are just making TikToks to go viral. Because these are the exact type of things that go viral on TikTok. Have you noticed that? It's either like you're like a young girl shaking your ass. You're like a creep, like a Ken Jack creep.

You're in prison. Or a Ken Jack creep? Yeah, like, you know, Ken Jack posts all those ones. Oh, okay. I think we have to clarify that. He finds weirdos. He's the Pied Piper of like the creeps. I mean, he was on TikTok so early.

He ruined TikTok for me. But that was the thing. But it's like I thought that was all TikTok was. Right, me too. I was like, how is this catching on? It's just a bunch of like divorcees with no bones in their arms um so it's it's that and also prison prison tiktok is electric really yeah oh it's amazing i don't know i don't know how that works i guess you know some places are either maybe low security and you can have a phone or you do like the smuggle smuggle it in but i mean there are there are prison tiktoks

of people doing TikToks, but they're in fucking prison. The dances? Yeah. I saw one where they, you know, remember the one where you walk and then you peel off

to the right or left, like, baby girl, give me something. They clap and then you move that way. I think so, yeah. It was just them all in orange jumpsuits in a fucking cell

doing TikTok. I think it's hilarious. Imagine trying to explain that to the guy who doesn't have a phone or a real connection to the outside world. You know, bro, now we're going to do a TikTok cell doing tick tocking. It's hilarious. Imagine trying to explain that to the guy who doesn't have a phone or really connection to the outside world. You know, bro, no,

we're going to do it. Yeah. It'll be dumb. I promise. What are you talking about? Yeah. Look at this. Like these are just like cellmates.

Unbelievable. And so, yeah, I don't know if this is like, you know, I trade, uh, I trade my,

you know, a bop, a carton of cigarettes for a TikTok account or whatever. These guys just live in. This goes to your point. We were on Clubhouse ATI, right? Yeah. Every Tuesday.

No, every Thursday now. Every Thursday at 2 o'clock, we do an Answer the Internet Clubhouse where John and I and this week Coach Duggs popped in. Anybody who wants to pop in can join. We just go through the best answer to the internet questions and basically do a little podcast episode. And John was saying he's pro-prison. He's like, send me to prison. I think prison, as I'm seeing right now, is just the boys being boys, man.

This is eating some pizzas, doing some dancing, fucking couple of – Just guys being guys. Just doing some choreographed dancing. A little toilet wine. I mean, that's living the dream right there, man. Just guys being guys. Doing some choreographed dancing. A little toilet wine. That's living the dream right there, man. I mean, that's summer camp for adults, and I'm fucking in. Someone framed me for murder.

Yeah, someone framed me for murder. John wants to go to prison. On the clubhouse, you were talking almost like Liam Neeson in Taken. You were like, I have a very particular set of skills where I think I would thrive in this area. I don't think people who hang out with me dislike me. So I think I'd walk into jail and they'd be like, you gotta join the white supremacist. But I don't. I am not a white supremacist. You guys seem nice. That's okay.

Not interested in your party. And then I'd mingle with everybody and they'd be like, you know what? I think this guy is just a cool guy and we're gonna defend him from everybody. Ooh. Ooh. I think you're a cool guy. And also I don't think the defense is real. I think this guy is just a cool guy, and we're going to defend him from everybody. Ooh. Ooh. I think you're a cool guy. And also, I don't think the defense is real. I think we have been poisoned by film and television industries, and I think jail is not so bad.

I think jail is probably just guys hanging out being dudes. I don't think that there's a lot of rape going on. I don't think there's – because let me just think about it on a personal level. How long would you have to be in jail before you're like, I'd like to fuck a guy now, please? Well, here's the thing. You and I and the rest of us out here in the freedom world. An unwilling man. Not a man who would like to engage in coitus.

A man who is going to do his darndest to not get fucked by you. I don't have to fuck a man that badly. I think you're forgetting that people in prison are violent criminals. Not all of them. No, but the places where the rape's happening. Listen, nobody's thinking that you're going to get raped when you go to jail for tax evasion. When you murder someone and you're in jail with a rapist, you might get raped. Who would he like to rape women?

They're not a man. And there's not many women to pick. I have some feminine features, but if you were to break it down John gets to prison and starts talking about show tunes. It's the greatest show and I'm a fuck that guy right there. I have a

I don't want to tell this joke because I don't know what I'm supposed to have. Is it two X chromosomes or an X and a Y? I think an X and a Y. Yeah. Okay. So i have a y chromosome i think that you on the one hand are correct in some regard i do think that like anything in hollywood it's been fictionalized and dramatized and sensationalized on the other hand i think you might be taking that a little too far and thinking that it's all just a walk in the park you Do you think I'm taking it too far? Disagree. Frame me for murder. We'll find out.

By the way, I'm looking at John. If you're watching on the YouTube, John has a tin, a single Hershey kiss, a single Reese's cup, a single Kit Kat. That is John. Minus what you need there is a Sour Patch Kid. Yeah. Like a single Sour Patch Kid would be perfect.

No sweet candies over there. You know what I ran into this weekend, though? And your Taylor Swift cardigan. Like that right there is John Fidelberg. King in his castle. King in his castle. You know what? One thing that actually happened to me this weekend.

There was a rogue pair of, not pair, pack of like sweet candies. And the legalization of cannabis has really made you look at every package that you don't recognize. So you're saying rogue meaning like it was just a clear plastic bag and you didn't know? No, no, no. It was Trader Joe's. It was just I didn't recognize the label. It was just kind of sitting on the table. It wasn't anyone's.

And I picked up that thing and I was looking at it for like 10 minutes. Can I eat these? Can I have 20 of these, or am I going to die if I do so? I was very nervous. It was like Trader Joe's, kind of like a – I think they were sea-themed. I think there was maybe a starfish in there or something like that. But it was a green bag, and I was like, I don't recognize this bag at all. See, that's good.

You know what that is? that's that's good you know what that is that's a sign that you are not like fully gone yet like a trash bag person would just be like i'm just eating this no matter what and maybe i will be like cripplingly high and maybe not but i just get to eat these things you still have some some regard for human life yeah wants to be here that that is everything you need that's everything for you minus like you also need a glass of whiskey yeah yeah that's life baby that's living that's and for you, minus you also need a glass of whiskey. Yeah. That's life, baby. That's living. That's L-I-V-I-N. And if you were to drink, I don't know,

a thousand whiskeys, you would need... You would finally get... Are you getting hangovers yet? Not... No. Nothing has gotten worse. You've been beating the no hangover drum for a long time. No, because I do... We do this every time. But it's been years.

So it's not getting any worse. It's like this weekend. The house we stayed in, we went up skiing. The house we stayed in had a pool. And the first night, we had relay races. And the next morning, I woke up and I was like, I'm not sore.

But I'm aware I did something last night. And it was like, I could feel it in my shoulders and my traps a little bit. And that's kind of, it's like when I, when I drink, like I wake up and I'm like, I'm not hung over, but I'm aware of something transpired. You were sore. I wasn't that sore. I'm sore today from skiing. But the race, like we literally only did one race.

Oh, okay. It was, it was. That would be enough for me. They're back freestyle. Tag someone. Was it indoors? Yeah. Okay.

I was going to say. Tag someone. You just see the house we stayed at. It. Okay, I was going to say. Tag someone. You should see that. I was going to say indoor pools. They're back freestyle. There were three of us. It was three on three. It was me, me, Cons, and Pat, and then PFT, Lurch, and one of Pat's buddies.

And it was their back freestyle, and then everyone goes, and then their back breaststroke. No, butterfly. And the butterfly is what got me. The butterfly was coming up. Bro, that's how you go to the fucking hospital. It was a disgusting noise to hear in a podcast. Yeah.

If you listen closely, you can hear my titty slap. It's turned into erotica all of a sudden. Okay, that's enough. That's absolutely enough. For the normal people of the world. That's what I'm telling you. You've got to throw your goddamn shoulder out. You're getting too old.

Something cracked. Yes. Something cracked. All right. Fun's over, out. You're getting too old. Something cracked. Yes. Something cracked. All right. Fun's over, folks. Fractured his shoulder. You're getting too old for activities. You're getting too old to be drinking too much.

You're going to have the hangovers. They're going to hit hard. And in order to cure them, you need, you can't just be like, oh, I have a glass of water before I go to bed at night and I take two Advil. No, no, no, no. You need to call in the reinforcements. You need to, you need the electrolytes. You need the

whole FDA-approved combination to rehydrate you and fight that hangover, and that's when Revitalite comes in. Revitalite is the real deal. Can I give a little teaser about Revitalite? Yeah. There is a flavor. I don't know if it's out yet or if it's coming out.

You got the exclusive? It's blue. It's definitely not, because it's out yet or if it's coming out. It's blue. It's definitely not because it's orange, purple, and red. There was one in the office that had a tag on it that said for ad read, do not drink. And I watched and I'm going to tell them this right now.

And I watched beep, stare at it for like 30 seconds and then look at me and go I mean it just looks too good, I have to. And I watched, beep, stare at it for like 30 seconds. And then look at me and go, I mean, it just looks too good. I have to. And then he poured himself a glass. Was it this weekend? It was this weekend.

It had to be PFT. Yeah. Yeah. Blue is the color for me. He's like, it just looks too refreshing. I have to drink this. And he said he loved it. Any sports drink going up, I wanted blue. Any punch-flavored juice box that was blue, I always go with the blue.

If Revitalite's coming out with blue, I'm in. Because I know already right now that the purple one, the red one, and the orange one are all fire already. So rehydrate, recover, repeat. What you do is you can get it where all the other drinks are. You don't have to go to the baby aisle to get the Pedialyte. Now you have Revitalyte, which is sometimes in the liquor stores. It's in like the regular drink aisle. So you don't have to be like, all right, let me go get the beer in the grocery store. And then we go to the pharmacy to get the Pedialyte. Nope. It's all in one spot now. And what you do is you drink a bottle before you start drinking,

drink a bottle, half a bottle right before you go to bed, drink a bottle or a half a bottle when you wake up in the morning, and you are good to go. It's that convenience factor, being sold at the liquor store or in the convenience store right there. All in one shot. You can do your purchasing and your buying and fight that hangover when you go to drinkrevitalite.com slash find. You can find out all the places near you that you can buy it. So find out all info on where you can purchase it at drinkrevitalite.com slash find hashtag hydrate responsibly. How long have you hydrated responsibly? Do you know why I'm with you, though?

I don't. I've always said, give me a hypothetical. On one side is XYZ. On the other side is go to prison. I will take X, Y, Z. I am not a prison guy. If I could somehow guarantee that I were not to be violently raped and beaten, and I could go to prison somehow,

the reason I'm down is because coming out of prison is the coolest shit ever. Especially now you can't go to jail for like some bitch shit. You can't have a bad charge, you know, like you can't do anything like anything really actually bad. And you can't be like a snitch like Tekashi. But Bobby Schmurda comes home today. Bobby Schmurda is. You know, he had he had his one hit. It's a hard one to talk about for guys like us. It was just called Hot.

Oh, right, right. I was wondering. I know the song. I know the video. I know, obviously, the hat-throwing memes. I forgot what the title of the song was. Yes, you're right. It's just like that song.

How long was he in jail for? Four years, I want to say. That's a good bid. That's what I mean. Not quite a nickel, but close. Make sure on that. I think it's been several years, though. Long enough, let's say.

And he was cool. He was the anti-Takashi. He didn't snitch. He could have and probably had maybe almost no jail time or a lot less jail time. And he said, fuck that. Live by the code, die by the code. In fact, I respect both of them, though. I like how Takashi's not like, I did a little snitching.

He got on the stage and said, I'm going to tell on everybody. But Takashi also was very logically like, these people tried to kill me and my family. Like, why would I owe them loyalty? But there is, it is kind of like if you sign up for this life, you sign up for this life in a way. But I do respect both of them. Speaking of sign up for that life, real quick aside, Panarin on the Rangers. I thought you said Panara. No, no.

Panarin on the Rangers I thought you said Panarin Panarin on the Rangers why don't when Russians get rich and I get maybe some family get your whole family here because there's a clearly fabricated story about Panarin I mean I don't know about clearly I guess if you're 18 year olds you could beat up a girl

but everyone vehemently denies it and they're taking time off the story was that when he was 18 in 2011 or something, right, he beat up some girl. And that's coming out of Russia now. Because it's called Komprat, I believe, which is just Russian lies in the media. And it's because he spoke out.

He spoke out against the Kremlin. He spoke out against all that kind of stuff. And it's just like, oh, you know what we just uncovered? Here's the story that happened. That's also on the Rangers. I feel like you've got to get your man out of stuff and it's just like oh you know we just uncovered like here's the story that happened but that's that's also on the rangers i feel like you got to get your man out of there and be like yo we need to like sever ties and keep you safe from putin right which i guess you know this is the kind of shit that probably would make me think twice about drafting one of these guys though where it's like well because like obi doesn't get shit because he's

like best friends with putin well that's what i mean if you're gonna it's either shut the fuck up or like you got to get the hell out of there and get everyone you know out of there because otherwise they're gonna have leverage on you you know i would i would immediately get my family out of there but i'm sorry to interrupt i was just surprised by that with darren this morning i just uh but i mean bobby's coming home and for all we know or for all like i if you're a Bobby Shmurda fan, you are a deep hip-hop fan, you've probably listened to his whole album, you know all his songs. I know the one song. But I'm excited for Bobby Shmurda to come home.

I don't even know if he is that good of a rapper, but I'm excited for Bobby Shmurda to come home. I'm excited to hear what's next. I'm excited to hear his next album because there is nothing better for your PR than going to prison. Specifically if you're a rapper, but almost anybody, the free blank movement, free Feidelberg, free Bobby, free Shmurda, free me. You get that rolling? His people set up another Instagram that they've been building. Bobby Shmurda's fucking prison Instagram

has a million followers. I'm sitting out here grinding every goddamn day. I'm not even close to a million followers. He just is like, I'm in prison. Follow this account. And everybody, a million people follow it. Well, that's another reason I want to go to jail. So you guys can build this up for when I come out. And I'll say, look, I'll do the work. I'll do the work, which is go to jail and hang with my boys.

You guys do the work, as in build this fucking brand while I'm in jail. Look at goddamn Wallow. Poor Gilly goes out there and builds the whole fucking podcast. Wallow comes out and slides right into the second chair. Bobby Schmert hasn't been doing anything. If I did that, would'd be welcome back what if i did that i'd be welcome back if you went to prison yeah you do something cool yeah well i get framed for murder um no no no i i maintained my innocence no if you if you got framed for murder – I pled guilty but maintained my innocence. It would be – It wasn't me, but I'll just take it. So you're too good a deal.

15 years. Had to take it. If you were framed for murder and went to jail, we're still good out of – I feel – I pity you. I feel bad that the system did you wrong. If you – it would be a lot cooler if you like killed somebody who was doing something bad self defense sort of thing so now you're talking Michael Scott

when they have I forget his name but the black guy from Stanford maybe he was just breaking up a fight at a baseball game why would someone go to jail for that yeah I stopped an armed robbery and then I went to jail for murder. Or like John Q, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some really, truly valiant, heroic shit. Then you're cool. Okay. You know, Bobby Shmurda, like, he ate the – he just ate it. He just took that prison sentence. He's coming home, and he gets the king's whatever that phrase is. King's welcome?

Yes, king's welcome. To me, boy, that's worth it. Yeah. But also Bobby Schmurda goes to prison, and everyone's like, what's up, Bobby? You're cool. You're good people. We're not going to fuck you up.

They do it to me, too. They do it. As long as you guys promise to delete those high school pictures from the internet. No. I'm good. Bro. I'd be good. Those are circulating, dude.

Those ones are hot. More than the other ones, even. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. One second. I got to text my therapist. By the way,

we had a lot of really nice messages and stuff after I confessed that I'm a crazy person on crazy pills. I did not think that was going to be a big deal. Maybe that was naive of me. So on the Kevin Clancy show, I got prescribed antidepressants and I just did a... Just because I talk about everything in my life. So I was like, this is what's happening and i just got so many like you're i'm so you're like a hero i'm so proud i'm so happy i'm like so on people do the same thing when i did it like

two weeks ago whatever it was but then i feel like i i like it i'm not everyone does it i'm not doing yeah don't look at me as a hero don't don't don't come to me for advice don't look at me as a hero i'm just a crazy person and i think people coming to me, or then people are looking at me like, I did it on purpose. I just, nah. I regret doing it. So anyway, let's go to prison. Yeah. No, you stay and do work.

I'll go to prison. Right, fuck it. That's some bullshit. God. I'll do work. It's like when there's a chore to do at the house. And you're like, oh, I'll go pick up Nana. And then you do the driving.

And I'm going away. I'm not doing anything while everyone else at the house cleans up. I'm doing the thing that people think people don't want to do. They're like, oh, no, I'll drive an hour to go get Nana. That's fine. I got that. Deal. And then you guys clean the house and prepare for the holiday.

That's the biggest dad hack of all time. I don't think people realize it. I got that. Deal. And then you guys in the house and prepare for the holiday. That's the biggest dad hack of all time. I don't think people realize it. I'll go to jail. I'm going to do this. You'll hear a story like, oh, my dad. Your dad did it. Your dad drove to pick you up. Yeah.

When COVID hit. He drove from Boston. Didn't get out of the car. We'll get out of the car real quick. But didn't leave with an arm's reach of the car. And everyone's kind of like, oh, my God. Like, can you believe he did that? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He got like eight or nine hours of peace, especially now you're in the car. He's got a nice car. You pop on. You know, you got all your radio, all your podcasts, all your everything. You weren't even a good jock. I fell asleep before we got out of the five boroughs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was out, go. I mean, that to me, though, is like dads are always, I'll go pick it up. I'll go pick up the food. I'll go pick up the people. I'll go even, I'll go do the yard. This is why dads do like yard work and shit. I think they eventually grow to like it because what else do they have in life? But I don't think any father starts or husband starts mowing the lawn and and and like trimming the hedges and shit because

they really care i think it's like i gotta get the fuck out of the house and then you start to take pride in it then you get a little neighborly where it's like all right i gotta be better than jim over there you know but the initial thing is just leave me the fuck alone and let me just you know i used to love sweeping flood water into the hole. Pop my headphones in. Leave me alone. Put my yellow boots on and started squeegeeing the ground for the next three and a half hours. Loved it. Couldn't get enough of it.

Woke up feeling like you did something. Yes. I'm not sore, but... I was sore. I'm sore today. I'm pretty sure I tore my groin right off the bone. Just right off. Can you pull up?

I guess I have it on my phone, the super cut I have. So I put out one-minute man today. One-minute man was a seven-minute man today because I really needed to dive into the Texan conspiracy, which, by the way, we never even finished up. You never started it, Kevin. I mentioned it. I thought we were starting it now, right? Did I mention it? I think that was before we started.

The very beginning, I mentioned Texans. Yeah, we just never even. God, we are just all over the place. How do people listen to the show? So the Texans, the people of Texas. We started talking about that while we were recording? Yeah. The very first thing I said was like.

Nick was like, we're rolling. But I don't think we officially introduced the show yet. No, I swear to God. Yeah, thank you. Swear to God I did. Because I said, it's Texans, Texans. No, I swear to God. Swear to God I did. Because I said, it's snowing again. Can you believe it? And you started pumping the.

I like snow. Yeah, but I said it's snowing again. That was just, but we just talked about snow. No, I mentioned the Texans don't believe the snow exists. Swear to God. All right. I mean, I'll believe everybody because I forget. I have a memory of a goldfish, but. So this is what they're doing.

They get the, They get a... Yeah, because remember, yeah, you said, like, I think that this stuff would... No, that wasn't on the show. That was pre-show. Actually, all I have is, when was the last time you dealt with snow? I don't know, I just played with it.

Pre-show. Pre-show. Pre-show the snow? I don't know, though. I might... I have no idea. I mean, I just don't want to redo it if we did it. I don't think we did it.

I think it was pre-show. Yeah? Yeah. The whole thing. No, I don't. This show sucks. This show is a... No, you didn't.

You just were like, it's snowing. So in Texas, they don't believe snow is real. Which I said is one of my favorite conspiracies, maybe ever, to just not believe in snow. And there was two main ways that they proved it. They got a snowball and they hit it with a lighter and it didn't melt.

It just burned and turned black. And they also took snowballs, put it in the microwave. They did do it. Yes! Right! We did this? Yes! I don't believe you guys. I'm starting to think we did this now. But I think you were just recording before the show started. That's why I was like, I swear to think we did this now but i think you were just recording before the show started that's why i was like i swear to god i did this already

yes yes all right so cut that part and let me just circle back to the conspiracy theory to lead into this yeah worst case scenario i was recording before so we can put it in there somehow, someway. Figured out. Okay. So. We're both sober, right? I'm asking for me too. So, as I mentioned earlier, they're burning the snowballs. And so, which I have. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. I remember it all now the types of tiktok the types of tiktok because that's where we got to the prison talk now we can leave all of this in because now it all goes full circle this is a matter of fact this should be a clip for youtube

you want to see the dumbest podcast in america operate this is how we operate there is one two three four five people in this room and the show is a wreck because the last category of tiktok along with the prison ask us about clubhouse and they're like yeah do you guys ever do any editing like cool so people think behind the scenes like now we just put it all out all in there there's nothing behind the scenes it's all in front of the scenes okay so the levels of tiktok in front of the scenes. Okay, go. So the levels of TikTok are the hot girls dancing, the underage kids dancing, the weird people, the prison TikTokers. And then there's the life hack, I just learned this today things that always go viral. We should just come up.

We should figure some of those out. Google these things and do them ourselves. We'll go viral every time. You see the latest one where you drop the egg? No. If you drop an egg in a frying pan, it just cracks perfectly. It doesn't shatter. It's like you can

just crack it. It just cracks right in the middle and then you can pull it apart and you have a perfect egg. It's crazy. Okay. So things like that. Okay, how about this one? When that egg is in there, what you do is you take an empty water bottle, you squeeze it, and then you suck the yolk up. Yeah. That's your egg white. You want to cook up some cum real quick that's what it looks like you're right

zach goes why was that it looks like that's why i don't need egg whites anymore it just looks like i'm cooking cum and not interested cooking cum what would happen if you cook cum probably you get egg whites so these people who are making these tiktoks i think are probably just trying to go viral with like look at this weird little sciencey thing that today i learned i was today years old when i learned whatever um but a quick google search will answer all of this for you so i googled it because i had to google it because like we said i was like well i don't get it what's going? It's just snow goes from snow to gas. There's no in between.

There's no liquid. It just goes from snow to vapor. And that we call? Sublimation. Sublimation, baby. Look at you. I wasn't going to get it. I knew it was like that.

But you know it from just like you Google this? You knew this already? I know sublimation is a change from the solid to the gaseous state. Wow. I did not know that. I thought a sublimation, sublimating is a thing you can do with clothing. You print on a shirt. It's called sublimating.

It's how Sublime got their name. Yeah? Yeah. Why is Sublime? They turn weed from a solid to a gas. You made that up. That one I can tell you made up. Unbelievable, though.

Yeah. You know what? You smirked a little bit too much when you were doing it. If you kept a straight face, you would have uh um greatest lie ever told on a podcast what we are all over the place on uh two bears one cave last week uh tom segura told this completely made up story about jennifer aniston she reposted the whole thing on her story fucking jennifer 55 million followers aniston tom told this ridiculous story he was like i ran into jennifer aniston and she just pretended to be rachel she was like hi i'm rachel and and and and tom's like hi like nice

to meet you i'm tom and she's like do you he's telling this to burt like do you know my friend ross and tom's like yeah you guys used to date she's like yeah and have you ever met my friend phoebe and then he and tom's like at this point i was like what the fuck are you doing what the fuck is going on here and uh and he's like and then we were about to turn a corner and she looked me dead in the eyes and said it's called acting look it up and walk away and bert's like is this fucking real he's like no i made it all up. It's like a five-minute thing. She posted the whole goddamn thing on her story.

But you could have gone with sublime. Like, that's a good, you know, there's some sense to that. The weed goes from a weed state to a gas state in your sublime. But why does sublime mean, like, happy, and sublimation means going from a solid to a gas state? Riddle me that one, Mr. Fucking... You don't have one on deck for that, huh? I was impressed with how Cluzec came for the life of Sublime. You can't do it twice.

I mean, you're asking a lot. So if you quickly Google it, the thing is shrinking. It is melting. It's just not into a liquid form. It's just crazy to me that people would be like... Like, you know enough about science to be like that's not how this works it's like yeah yes it does that's how it works you just don't know it you know that's not how all conspiracy to go like it's like i just don't know enough to say you're wrong right um i'm 99 you're wrong sure you're wrong i just can't prove it someone's smarter than me now the one about the – I put my – I just assumed snow would melt too.

Well, in one minute, man, I put snow in the microwave. It took a long time to melt. Really? Like I put a snowball in for a solid minute. I thought, I don't know, like 10 seconds in, it would just be like a puddle. You could put a baby in there forever. Honestly, more so than ever, I'm putting my baby in the microwave. I mean it didn't even melt a snowball

you know when they said like a snowball's chance in hell i think a snowball has a decent chance in hell now i put it inside a fucking box of super hot waves and it stayed a snowball for like the whole time it didn't it didn't spark it looks like on this video it looks like when you put a cd in the in the microwave and it just explodes everywhere yeah so i don't know what happened there i was like maybe i was like listen, listen, Texas, maybe your snow is real. Maybe it's like dirty as fuck. I don't know. There's something in there that makes it explode in the fireworks.

I can't believe this whole thing is about me tearing my groin. I mean, this is a master class in how to go all the way out here and come all the way back on. So I brought snow in and out of my apartment and dropped some water drops on the floor and i slip and fall in what has to be just like the funniest quick like four second hit i've ever recorded all the work i've done to try to be funny and script things nothing is as funny as me pulling a full-blown cartoon like a a four-second – you hear it goes whoop, and I just bam, like a box of fucking rocks, I fall down.

And I mean – I literally – the other day my uncle texted me a video of like a police officer slipping on ice or something like that. I guess it was on Instagram or whatever. Great. And I said the most universally laughed at thing in the world is someone falling on ice or water or whatever. I mean America's Funniest Home Video has been doing it since like 1992 charlie chaplin was like well you can't hear me say anything i'm just gonna fall down it's just gonna be fucking funny it's funny every single time i i mean i think i've seen it three times now laughed out loud each time all right but that

wasn't it right we also got to do the the fire test so i wish i had the the full video because i was holding it if you saw me i i like i did like a split like my legs went out and i'm pretty we're lucky to still have you here i we're lucky i didn't have to go to the hospital i mean like dead alive yeah yeah i mean i i definitely there was like a thud and but i definitely went like oh like i let out this like uh, and then I went outside to get a snowball. So now I am outside of my apartment, grown man. I have a tinfoil hat. I have a snowball in my hand. I have a lighter and I am burning the bottom of a snowball and I'm going, maybe I literally

am saying maybe Bill Gates got to us too. And the door opens and it's my neighbor and i'm just like god damn it i'm so stupid i am so stupid yeah i was thinking that these people think i'm like i'm a single dad they already think i'm like a mess because i am i'm like a wreck of a human and i'm sure they hear me on the nights that i don't have my kids and on the nights i do have my kids they're probably like these are what's going on this guy pretty similar yeah a lot of crying and yelling um and and and he pops out he's like are you are you okay he goes i i hope it wasn't you and i go he meant mentally not not was that you upstairs you you took it the wrong way. The royal you, yeah.

But when he said to me, I heard that and I hope it wasn't you. And I was like, it was. It was. What did you think it was, Tom? My refrigerator? What else would be going and falling to the ground? It was, that was a special one though. But yeah, the whole point being that the Texan people, they had me.

I was this close to joining a conspiracy theory. But just a quick Google search. Do these people not have Google? I saw Sarah Beth out there scared to death, and I was like, she's making sense. Was that Sarah Beth out there scared to death? Sarah Beth scared to death to see what Bill Gates sent her way. What's going on here? You didn't know that song?

No one else knows that song? No. Rascal Flatts? Come on, man. Did they actually say Bill Gates or you threw that in there? I was like, wait, what? No, it's about a little girl with cancer. She's scared to see what the doctor makes.

Folks, he doesn't realize it, but he just segued to a segment later today on this podcast. It's not a little girl. She's in high school. She's nervous about prom, going to prom bald. It's a great song. Real tearjerker. Nonetheless, later in this show when we're doing voicemails, there's something involving cancer and young people that is going to blow your mind. We just did it with Nick,

but it's maybe the most offensive segment on the podcast. Yes. I think it is. I think we might get canceled for it. What do you think is, up until today, the most offensive thing? Nick, talk about killing a baby. To prove a point.

To win an argument with his wife. Probably. We are two for our last two. Okay. What do you think prior to that? It gets the baby in the microwave. Think about that. Think about aside from Nick Tarani and,

and the listener can think about it as well. You can tweet at us live while you're listening. What's the most offensive KFC radio segment ever? While you do that, let me tell you about simply safe. I, so I, you know, I. So I almost died in my home. I almost fell from the snow, and I could have died. And if I had my SimpliSafe, I would be able to alert the people that I need to.

I would get the EMTs to come. I would get the fire department to come. Could you imagine that if I did have to call for help and the fire department has to come and I'm like, let's say i was like you know paralyzed or something and they're like what happened and be like i was making a video someone broke in the house yeah i would definitely lie definitely come up with something like that so who was it the dudley boys who was the wrestling team that broke would like get the tables no no they were tables they both hold one of your legs and they pull it oh. Oh, I know what you're talking about, but I don't know who.

That tag team duo broke into my house. Yeah, Bone Tomahawk. Tomahawk Bowie. Tomahawk whatever. Yeah, the Aborigines from Bone Tomahawk broke in. That is the scariest. I think Aborigines are just in Australia, but whatever. Again, all over the map today.

Again, this is about Simply Safe. Goddamn, this show's so good. I want to be clear. We're both, as far as I know, sober. It feels as if we're not. It's crazy. You know what the problem is? I woke up in a good mood today.

That's always a bad sign. You're used to us depressed folks. This is us when we're happy and rolling. I'm on the happy pills. John's happy. This is us when we're happy. We're all over the fucking map. Simply Safe. You can customize it to to fit your home and your family and your belongings and your loved ones to make sure that everything stays safe everything stays

intact you don't have any fires you don't have any floods you don't have anything ruined by burglars or earthquakes and the best part is it's affordable you don't have to have someone come to your house and go through all your shit rummage through your through your belongings and your rooms you do it all yourself they send you a kit that has like sensors and cameras and alarms and and all that you put it up wherever you want actually right now you can get a free hd camera to go with it when you go to simply safe.com slash kfc radio you'll get the free camera so a little extra uh safety and you'll also get a 60 day risk-free trial so that means for two months you can try it out and if you don't like it for some reason which is like whoever would you know unless unless there's a burglar that's not caught could you imagine

just sitting there being like you know i'm about 55 days in i don't like this i don't like being extra safe who would ever turn it in as long as you're not a fool. Only a fool would go with would either not have security in 2021. You kidding me? Or go with some extra expensive, like annoying loops, jump through hoops and deal with hidden fees and contracts and all that. Simply safe is the way to go. Simply safe dot com slash KFC radio. Get the camera. Get the risk free trial.

That's simply safe. S.I.M.P.L.I. Safe dot com slash KFC radio. You think it. Get the risk-free trial. That's SimpliSafe. S-I-M-P-L-I. Safe.com slash KFC Radio. You think it's maybe the microwave part of this? I mean, that's like the classic. I'm sure along the way we've said worse. The thing is, Kevin, I don't remember what we talked about at the beginning of the episode that we haven't taken a break during. So you want me to remember

the last 600 episodes? It's so weird that you'd be able to remember other you know, you don't really listen to podcasts but you listen to other TV shows or other things. I feel like you'd be able to remember other, you know, you don't really listen to podcasts, but you listen to like other TV shows or other things. I feel like you'd be able to remember. Yeah, I try. I try and forget my whole life. Yeah.

Just like, oh, I said that. No, I didn't. Yeah. What do you guys think? You guys maybe probably remember more than we do. Do you remember episodes, Nick? Like right when we're done with them? No.

Yeah. It just goes in and out. I'm focused on cutting the cameras the entire time. Right. And I really like thinking about what's being said. I feel like the fans will be the ones to remember. Like, oh, man, in like 2013 episode of this, you said that. I mean, the fucking your mom or dad, like, forward, back.

That sticks out. That was one that I... When I have to pick and choose who I can ask a question to, where I'm like, you're cool and you can handle this, you're a little too uptight. That's when I know it's offensive. And that was, that was like the King of that question.

That one in the magic Johnson AIDS question is usually the, the barometer. Like, are you cool? Or are you, you know, do I need to censor myself? I think I'm homophobic recently.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bet you would remember that you little bitch. Sensitive little bitch. But yeah, this one today, later with voicemails. Tune the fuck in because it is... Actually, I think it's the greatest question we've ever had

as far as hypotheticals that will make you go, oh, fuck. Also along the lines of, oh, fuck. It takes a lot for me to be surprised by a viral video, but this kid, this Oklahoma football player who almost lost his eye, that got me to go, oh, fuck, that fight video today. I also thought that was actually Ben Askren. So there's this fight.

It's prior to knowing the background, it just looks like a bar fight. It's prior to like knowing the background. It just looks like a bar fight. This just looks like a viral. And I think it I think Old Row posted it at first. Just like look at these these like boys fighting in the bar. Then it turns out that it's an Oklahoma football player who almost lost his eye. And the way that this story was being portrayed was like, oh, my God, he's such a good this guy's such a good fighter. So the way it's being portrayed is like poor. think his name's spencer because of course it is spencer almost

lost his eye in this like this unprovoked deadly attack and then you see the video and this guy and his buddy both i think on the football team were acting like fucking i think just one of them's football players oh okay i don't know i have a story i know i just know that one guy's a football player but but it's clearly like they're the tall guys and they're the big guys and they were picking on these dudes who were

shorter than them and then these guys beat the fuck out of these kids. There are so many moves in this. That one right there. That one you can tell

the two guys beforehand are... Like there's one guy who's like lays in right there. Boom, boom, boom. And then the other one you can tell is positioning. Where he's like, okay, I'm going to get you in some hold.

He's grappling. You're going to be real fucked. You're kind of hanging out by the urinal. Being like, okay, we're just going to stand here and I'm going to grab you in the right position. And next thing you know, the guy goes flying across the room and his head just slams into the wall. And then he just falls into a heap and then just continues to get worked over. When the video ends, that guy looks like he's just gettingams to the wall. And then he just kind of falls into a heap and then just continues to get worked over.

Like when the video ends, that guy looks like he's just getting started. I know. Actually, as a matter of fact, I'm going to beat you until you wake up so I can fucking really start beating you. Do we know which one's the football player? The first one.

Okay. So that dude, these guys, one's wearing a turtleneck and they think they're hot shit. The other guy looks like ben askren exactly like ben askren and uh he looks like so yeah he already has a bloody nose and we'll play if you're watching if you're watching on the youtube the video is here another reason to go subscribe uh kc radio on youtube you can just see the video but this one dude already has blood on his nose and they're talking shit he's like look at me bitch look at

me like what are you gonna do about it and you can see this the guy looks like ben askren looks at his friend and he's kind of like are you like you down you want like you're ready to do this like in a very thoughtful actually cool like level-headed way like these guys are actually the level-headed ones in my mind they're like making a rational decision like all right if we beat the shit out of these guys like we're first of all we're gonna get covered in piss on the ground the police are gonna come we're probably gonna get in trouble but like you down i'm down you did okay let's do it and then he wipes his nose gets the blood off taps the guy on the cheek so he wipes like his blood and then just and the punch it's so funny how you can tell everything you need to tell about a fighter in one punch right If I were to punch someone, my arm would flail like a little girl.

I wouldn't have the right form. I wouldn't have the right power. His arm stays like a perfect right angle and just like – you know what I mean? It just looks different. You can tell it's impressive because by the time you go, whoa, nice punch, he's already punched him two more times. He's done. I know.

He's already hit him two more times. He looks like a Mexican boxer with the hands. The start of this fight was like in the town when Ben Affleck goes into Jeremy Renner's room or apartment. And he's like, when he's looking at his buddy, he's like, look, what's going to happen is we're going to hurt some people. And you can never ask me why. Are you down? And he goes, who's throwing the first punch? Like, I got it.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Can you go full screen on that? Yep. And just run it back. Start it from the beginning there. Like, that dude in the jean jacket and the turtleneck, and that right there, Ben has to turn. He's like, are you down to do this?

The other guy's like, say my name, bitch. Look at me, bitch. Look at this. And the shove, that was it. Right there. See that? Pow, pow. Oh, man. One, two, one, two. like say my name bitch look at me bitch look at that and then in the shove that was it right there see that oh man one two one two that is where like these guys were just looking for the final reason to take it and they were so happy he did yeah like he's like oh good yeah and then he's like this is what i do for fucking fun i mean so. Just so cool. You play football for fun.

I go punch people for fun. And that is what we're seeing with Jake Paul and Nate Robinson and this world of celebrity boxing. It's like these guys in almost every other walk of life, they're the big Oklahoma football players, at least one of them. They are the ones who can handle themselves physically in almost any other setting.'t matter in fighting that guy is probably like eight inches shorter than him and like this is what i do pow pow pow and then he's got him in like the rear

naked choke with the legs wrapped and the arm wrapped like you're done dude that's fucking terrifying i was reading some of the replies on that and they were like, when you are in a, a true rear naked choke or whatever like that, it feels like you're drowning. Like it feels like you're, cause they said, if you're ever like that, good lesson to learn. When you start to punch to try to get out of it, it makes it worse. Cause you're like, you're opening it up.

Yes. Yes. So you probably should, you should just like talk and try to get out of it. And, but they were like, yes, but when you're drowning, you start to flail to save yourself. You use more energy. Oh, let's see. Okay, so this is the guy. This is not the Ben Askren.

This is the other guy. He says, just to get rid of the misconception, I'm the fellow in the beanie, and that is my brother. Of course, I said this was like Boondock Saints. These are like the two Irish guys. Like, we're going to kill you. We are not wrestlers at any university, and we have been wrestling since we were in diapers and MMA slash cage fighting since we were 12.

They gave us no options, unfortunately. We showed restraint. That's Brayden Brown and his brother, Ben Askren, to say that's their version. And I'm not saying I don't believe in them, but I'm saying that's their version of restraints. We took it easy on you. Yeah.

Those guys, they could have just ended those guys' lives. They could have fucking probably broke their necks and beat them to death if they wanted. They were like, hey, Oklahoma boys, you know when you play the first game of the season and you play some fucking team that pays you to play them, to bring up their clout, and at halftime you put in the fucking backups and you take it easy even though you win 60-0,

that's what we just did to you. Right. We just beat you 60-0 and we showed restraint. We could have beat you 10,000-0 if we wanted to. That is such a cool tweet. And very, like, you know, not talking shit, just hear the facts. They gave us no options.

You know, I mean. I don't know if I recommend sending that tweet and be like, that was me. I did it on purpose. If I was a lawyer, I'd say, you know, send it. And like the police are going to be like, you could have walked away. That was an option. All right. He pushed you, you know.

But. But in that, like, I don't know. In a closed setting, they're clearly being intimidated. oh i'm with i actually you know i don't know if like a judge is gonna be like you had no other choice somebody i saw some people trying to defend them i mean that you're getting oklahoma football fans now right and do what am i listen am i like happy that that guy he almost lost his eye and needed surgery yeah i hope the best for him it's a horrible situation but don't go to bars and pick on people who clearly they thought were picking on the little guy. They picked on the wrong fucking dude.

And then, you know, like that's what happens when you pick a bar fight. People are drunk. People are crazy. Oh, and that's Ben. Yeah. So then Ben Askren tweeted at me and he said, play that real quick. Do we have the audio? Yeah.

He just got accused of being in another bar fight when he was younger. Yo, funny story for you today because that damn bar fight will not stop being on my feed. I mean, he really looks like Ben Askin's kid. Get off social media and start trading. Number one, I did trade. I'm sweaty. Number two, man, you can't tell me nothing.

I've accomplished more in my life than you ever will. Get lost, losers. So one time, 2005, cops came to my house on sunday night and they said hey man you need to come with us because we you were in a bar fight last night and i said man i wasn't in a bar class part last night i promise i was not in a bar fight and uh how do you know i said i was in was in freaking Guatemala wrestling the Pan Am Championships. And they said, well, we need proof. And this is before smartphones.

I didn't have proof on me. So the next day, I had to get my itinerary, print everything out. I showed that I won a medal at the tournament. Boom. They cleared me. I was not in a bar fight. I've never been in a bar fight. That wasn't me in Oklahoma. could you imagine me in oklahoma

could you imagine being like like so somebody somebody got their ass fucking beat and and they were like well it must be ben askren like that dude's reputation around that bar was like yeah it had to be ben because if there's like a dead guy funky fucking ben askren had to have done it and it's yet to prove like no no i wasn't the person here last night murdering dudes i'm glad he wasn't calling you a loser. I thought he was at first. No, he's calling the other people. Because you said like Ben Askren looking, right?

Yeah, yeah. I said Ben Askren looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he was saying – and he gets this a lot. And I like his – that quote right there got me thinking today because people being like, get off of social media. Like that's the world now. Right. And also it takes three seconds. I was going to say it doesn't take up your time. get off of social media like that's the world now right like when you're on social media i was gonna say it doesn't take up your time it's almost like if uh i guess if you were like out somewhere

in the old days you know if you're like at the bar it was like stop wasting your time at the bar why aren't you like home working it's like i don't know we're out like yeah i'm just on the internet at all times doesn't make me like not wasting my time or anything this is where we make money this is where we build you know it's just crazy to me to be like the internet at all times. It doesn't make me like not wasting my time or anything. This is where we make money. This is where we build. It's just crazy to me to be like, the internet's not like where you are. You're not a loser anymore if you're on the fucking internet. No, I think we're well past that. I think there are still people who will say it, but anyone with a brain is like, we're well past this.

Anyone with a brain would have known not to pick that fight for two main reasons. One, you know what? I'm not even going to say it. But this main reason is what's kicking off our top five. The dude was rocking cowboy boots. Cowboy boots in a bar is... I do have a twist on that, though.

Because I know a kid who used to wear cowboy boots to the bar all the time. And I could fucking end that kid's world. Well, okay. But typically speaking... Today's top five is, he says I'm going to end you. And this is the top five signs.

How'd you phrase it? I will end you signs? Top five I'll end you outfits. Outfits. So things that you wear. Top five I'll end you looks. Right. Things that you look at a guy and you know or a girl who will fucking kill you uh and so it's brought to you by uh manscaped so you know what i'll say my number one traffic is uh if a guy right now just has an absolutely ridiculous overgrown bush if you're at a bar and you see

this guy is coming out of the top of his pants and he's just got a bush that you can see in plain sight that man he has no morals he has no he has no perception of reality he has no he doesn't think about anything other than his goddamn self he's not thinking about conforming to society at all at all in any way he will kill you because if you're running around with a bush these days uh you can't be trusted that's the type of man who will kill you you're a man with one foot hanging off the ledge right girls you see a man like that run the other run the other way guys you see a girl like that run the other way because these are people who can't be trusted because they don't think at all about the repercussions of

their actions they don't think look at me look at this what is this going to do to my partner i am what is this going to do to other people see me actual animal yes right that that is a person who wants to revert back to their like primal state and be an animal and kill you because nowadays you have to have a well-groomed body, top to bottom, whether you're talking, you know, your dick, your genitals, or you're talking like your neck, your chest, your back, everywhere. You got to groom the right way. You don't have to be clean-shaven. You don't have to be like the guidos in the past where it's like wax your chest. But you got to take care of it.

You got to be under control. And that's why Manskeet has the best tools for the job. It's not like I'm telling you to get out the nair and uh you know rip every every hair out of your body but if you get the lawnmower 3.0 it comes with the um you know what's that called like the clip the clipper thing so you can trim different different lengths you know one of them's actually pretty long to be honest if you if you use the the lowest or highest i guess uh setting you'd have you'd have quite a bit of hair there still. I also like the fact that it comes with a flashlight,

so you can really get into those nether regions. Yeah, because you're getting deep in there. You can clean up Dante's sixth circle pretty easily. Not the seventh. The seventh is too far. But the Lawn Mower 3.0 has the nick-proof technology, the light, it's got the different settings, so you can trim it exactly how you want.

And then afterwards, they got the ball deodorant, the ball toner. These are lotions and sprays that keep you smelling good and keep you smooth. They've got the boxers that have the moisture technology so that you don't sweat and smell. But the ball chafing deodorant, the anti-chafing creams, all that stuff will revive and preserve your balls, basically. Get 20% off plus free shipping when you go to manscaped.com and use the promo code KFC. Tons of hygiene products from their website. They have the disposable mats. That's a good one.

Because if you ever really do full-blown manscaping afterwards. I had a buddy once who, my old roommate, he manscaped like top to bottom he's a big fella probably like six four irish guy red hair and he he did all his manscaping and then i think he got like a delivery like he got interrupted so he ran out and like got the delivery and then never really kind of like went back to it and then my other roommate went in the bathroom and was like, well, what happened in here? He goes, it looked like a fucking bear had been like shaved off.

Like, I mean, it looked like a wild animal got a haircut in there. So you have this disposable mat. You can just pick it up, toss it out, get rid of all the hair, uh, the foot deodorant to keep your feet smelling.

Well, they got it all. Go to manscaped.com promo code KFC for 20% off plus free shipping. Top five. So that's my number one pick is having a bush. Your first pick. My number one pick, boy, this is a tough one. My number one pick is going to be a girl wearing high heels at the pool.

At the pool. Yeah. Girl walking around the pool with high heels will ruin your life. I like, I thought I was going to be, and I don't know why I thought this. This is silly. I have some female choices as well. I was like, ooh, I'm going to throw a curveball. I forgot who my partner was.

I think if me and you did this game with another, like, podcast, they would have all these guy things, and me and you were going to have the girl ones. Here's when you know the girls are going to end you. I can do three of my top five are female. So like the Vegas pool party type girls? Like the high heels of the pool?

That kind of look. I'm going to fucking end you. That's all it says. You'll fall in love with me, I'll wreck your dick, and I'll ruin your life. God, they're the best. Okay, my second pick, if you will. Manscaped, you have to pay action.

I think I'm my number one pick in the top five. It's in this one, too. The cauliflower ear. Cauliflower ears. You see a man with a cauliflower ear, he is not to be trifled with. that's sign number one that that is the biggest one well not the biggest one there's there's more to be had but in the in that world it's like common you know and maybe you could even be actually in a weird way it's probably a sign that you're bad right you're getting your head smashed in a lot like that means you took a beating a lot of a lot of times but also just you

could take a beating and then once you're out in the regular world, it's like, okay, I'm not amongst other MMA fighters and people. I have, you know, I have endured a beating that you cannot administer to me right now. Nothing you give can match what I've gone through. And I fight long enough that my body has grown to defend itself. You know, it's filled in the holes with more body. I'm more involved in fighting. Right, right.

My body created more body to stop the pain and the beating. Cauliflower is number one. My number two would be a holster and a gun. And mind you, I'd already thought of that and still went with my number one.

I had considered holster and gun and went, high heels that pull a little more dangerous. Holster and a gun, if they use that, they employ that tactic, that carries trouble. That carries prison sentences or at least a real conversation with the police. The other thing, you get off scot-free. Right. You can wear that in the streets. You don't need a permit for that. You should. I mean, if you use it.

You can use your body and your mind if you have heels and a bikini and you are still going to be fine no matter what. At least it ruins the rest of your night if you use the gun. At the very least. Let's hope. Yeah, let's hope.

Mine, I'll kind of lump two into one. No, I'm going to save that. Black Air Force Ones. You wear Black Air Force Ones. you are going to prison or you're coming out of prison that's just the fact the black air force ones it's it's unfathomable that people would buy those wear those especially now that that is like an understood thing on on

twitter on the internet black twitter talk about it like and that there are still people who are then like yeah size 10 please i want the black air force ones knowing on the internet, black Twitter, talk about it, and that there are still people who are then like, yeah, size 10, please. I want the black Air Force Ones. Knowing how the internet talks about people who wear the black Air Force Ones. Yeah. Footlocker, it's like right away, like, well, we gotta turn him in. Like the police call footwear places and say, if anybody buys black Air Force Ones, let us know.

You're like a TSA no-fly list. Right, right. It's like anywhere else you go, it's because you wear black Air Force Ones. Okay, my number three is a bald head and a beard i think those guys all want to be strong men bald head and a beard is someone who's not to be trifled with like like like a like a chap like a beard trifled with yeah no like a beard yeah okay not a goatee not not just because there's not even like me like like i mean like like a beard like a big bushy. Because there's like the Stone Cold Goldberg look.

That's more just like facial hair and the bald. But you're talking about... I'm talking about someone who looks like a Norse god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, all right. Like, who's the guy in Thor? In Ragnarok? I don't know.

He's got like paint on him and he's got these big... He's one of Thor's boys. He's just this big. Oh, you know what I think of is in Vikings, the television show, his name's Ragnar Lothbrok. Sounds like Thor Ragnar Lothbrok.

I think he actually has a quick little Mohawk, but he's bald. Mohawk fits the bill too. Mohawk and a beard. It's like, I don't need hair on my head. I do need it on my face. And I will kill you.

To soak up the blood. Yeah, I like't need hair on my head. I do need it on my face. And I will kill you. To soak up the blood. Yeah, I like that. For the ladies, a pair of high-top Reeboks. High-top Reebok classics and or Jordans with the nameplate necklace. You know what I'm talking about? The script. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

A nameplate. To complete the look, it's like the high top Reebok glasses with the Velcro strap, the nameplate necklace, the big hoop earrings, and the hair that's like slicked down. Like glued. Yeah, like the Gorilla Glue girl. Yeah. I've seen. I grew up with those girls.

You scare the hell out of me. Slash, I want to marry you. Alexis. Oh, my God. I know. I hope grew up with those girls. You scare the hell out of me slash I want to marry you. Alexis, oh my god. I know you – I hope you're watching, girl. Alexis Ruiz was her name. Oh, man. She – we were either going to get married or she was going to beat the shit out of me. It was one or the other.

I decided in sixth grade she used to beat me up a lot. Dude, in sixth grade, I saw a fight or I will be honest. I didn't really see it. I heard about it. But it was in our cafeteria. And our cafeteria had almost like a greenhouse room extra where it's like, yeah, I guess it's really a greenhouse. It was just like a little extra off the main room. It was like glass.

Oh, I think I can kind of envision what you're talking about. All glass. Yeah. And these two girls dressed in such a manner you're describing who had the hoop earrings with their names in them and the necklace with their names in them got in a fight. And one of them had an eyebrow ring too. Tell me it ripped out and it got ripped out and then i forget if it was she who went through or she that made her so enraged she put the other one through put her head through one of the glass panes it was i was like just in the

other room i didn't really see i just heard of it and it was awesome. Donnybrook. That was a brouhaha. It was two girls who just beat. They probably could have taken fucking Brayden and his brother. When girls fight, it's so... Because they get the hair in the mix too. They go right for the hair. Jack, you ever been in a fight? No.

But I... I'm pretty sure... I'm very overconfident about my abilities and I'm pretty sure I'm like very overconfident about my abilities and I'm pretty sure I can take anybody I think I can take you too so I would love to get in a fight but no I'm not

I think that that confidence is half the battle like I don't know if I would fuck Jackie because it's the people who go into a fight scared that are going to lose the fight. You know what I mean?

If she steps up being like, I'm going to fuck you up. I'd be like – My knuckle's getting ready to fight Jackie right now. I also have no reason to think this. No, but if she said that, I'd be like, maybe she'll beat me up. Could you imagine Jackie just like if she was just like – if she licked her hand, smacked me in the face, and just one-punched me. I'd probably go down.

I'd probably be like, I'm sorry. All right. I give up. I won't fight anymore. This is my last pick. No, wait. It's me, right? Your pick, yeah.

Okay. No, wait. You just hit the girl through the window. No, that was just a story with your alpha. Oh, right, right, right. Okay. Number four, I'm going to stick with women again women with lip tattoos women with have you encountered that much yes yeah

i was like uh yeah did i say that out loud or not i can't tell yeah uh thrice i believe it's at least twice I believe thrice Women with hip tattoos Lip tattoos Slash hooch tattoos What's a hooch tattoo? Tattoo on your vagina Oh oh I thought that was gonna be

Like when you do it on your own Like on your Like your bone Like your Yeah like one of those ones That's like covered up By the bikini But like

Well but see there's a difference Are you talking in the crease? Cause those are kinda like Are you talking like Above the clip Above Yeah I agree Cause I think you get in the crease It's kinda like cute almost Which, are you talking like above the cleft? Above. Yeah, I agree. Because I think you get in the crease, it's kind of like

cute almost. Which I've also encountered twice. Yeah, I like that. Same people. It's not a coincidence. Yeah, the tattoo above your pussy is like, you know, it's Paulina Gretzky shit, where she's like, what is going on here? Like, welcome to hell, bitch.

Alright, my last one. Who am I just afraid of? The girls I've covered. By the way, this all started, I don't know if I, maybe we'll make it the honorable mention, is the cowboy boots is where it started. Right. And I will say that, to your point point i think it's one of the other i think it's like you will get fucked up or like you're um like at a bachelorette party for the weekend in nashville and you're wearing cowboy

boots you know what i mean like it's it's like either like someone who'll fucking ruin your day and it depends what they're wearing it with like if they're wearing it with a pair of wranglers and a fleece fucking zip up run your shots if they're wearing it with. If they're wearing it with a pair of Wranglers and a fleece fucking zip-up, run your show. If they're wearing it with a pair of nice tight-fitting jeans and a button-down shirt. Then the opposite. Then you could fuck them up. I could see... Well, he might fuck me up.

If you're wearing them as part of an outfit, you'll ruin them. If they're wearing it just because that's their one pair of shoes they have, they'll fucking ruin you. Right. I was going to say Joey from Joey and Snooki, but he might fuck me up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you see he his latest comment was just ridiculous. Well, do you remember it, Nick? It was like, I think

Oh, what should we do for 100,000 subscribers? He said, come on. What should we do? We reach 100,000 subscribers on YouTube and Joey said, come on me. And it's always with all these exclamation points. I just think of him going like, come on me. What should you do, boys?

And I think when Dan got sick with Corona, I think he said something about like, oh, no, now I can't like fuck you or something like that. I was like, Jesus Christ, Joey. But I think he can fuck me up. Yeah. No, Joey can definitely fuck you up. Yeah, yeah. He's a big guy. But even forget about it.

I think he's just got like the like he's got some like pent up anger with everything. He's too happy all the time. All right, last pick for me. I'm trying to think of it. So yeah, not the Cowboy Boyz. I will go with, I think I'm good saying this. If you wear a motorcycle cut. If you wear a motorcycle cut?

Yeah. What do you mean you think you're good saying it? I'm trying to think. That might be a cowboy boots thing where it might go either direction. You're corny if you wear it. If you're in a true MC, I feel like you will get your shit fucked up. Yeah, I would think so. It does look silly as well.

That's what I mean. That's what I'm saying. You're so silly. In his world you don't care about how silly you right i don't even think he knows he's like i need to represent my like my motorcycle gang in case like a war pops off right now i'm not worried about like your fashion statements you know i need to let people know i'm in sam crow like and i need to kill the mayans you know that kind of shit is isn't there i think there's a true crime story where the guy like took off his cut and like and gives it to like the bartender like get rid of like he like comes into the bar and he's no that's my story yeah yeah yeah no he wasn't wearing a cut it was like uh it just came in with a sweatshirt oh i thought it was he just came in with his hand the bars in your sweatshirt i was like what the fuck is that and then he

ordered a presidente and i was like i'll do fuck is that? And then he ordered a Presidente, and I was like, I'll do a Presidente too. Whatever he's having, yeah. I'll have what he's having. I just mimic that guy for the rest of the night. Right, whatever. Just want him to think I'm cool. That's all I care about. Andy Bernard, the personality of me.

I forget, there was something cut-like involved in that, though. I don't think, maybe he was wearing one, he took that off and then took the sweatshirt off. Or I think he came in on a motorcycle. There was something motorcycle gang-related that I thought was a cut-like involved in that, though. I don't think – maybe he was wearing one. He took that off and then took the sweatshirt off. Or I think he, like, came in on a – there was something, like, motorcycle gang-related that I thought it was, like, a cut. Yeah, there definitely was. Casey was with me, so maybe she – And also when you call it, like, a cut. Like, I remember being like, oh, like, those vests that they were on on Sons of Anarchy are, like, so cool. It's a cut, bro.

It's a cut. Okay. Number five. I think sticking with your... If we're sticking with I don't care how silly I look, I'm going to go with an Affliction t-shirt. Because it is so... Or a tap out. I'll go tap out.

I think now. I think they kind of came back around. I think there was a period of time where you could wear a tap out where you probably were a pussy, but you're like, I'm going to learn to be MMA. This is going to suck for the graphic, though, because people are going to be like, oh, tap out so fast. I don't care. Whatever.

Fuck it. I mean, you are, because if I explain it to you, listen to the podcast, and I'll explain my fucking answer, it's so goofy and so out that if you're still wearing it, you've been made fun of so many times that you've just had to learn how to defend yourself for it. And it's like the thought of wearing that every day, it's like I have to wear my submission t-shirt. I make people submit.

It's what I do. That's my fight call. I put that on in order to go pick a fight. Right. Someone's going to make fun of me, and I'm going to make them tap out, and I'm not going to listen to them. We had that debate earlier. In that bar fight, do you think that guy would respect the tap out? When you're getting choked out to death, I think that

guy would be like, respect the game. I could kill you, but he tapped out, so I'm going to stop. Anyone who says we showed restraint, respect the tap out. No matter how tough you are, if someone taps out, I think... It's like the rules of engagement of war. I'm trying to kill you, but I won't do it on Christmas Eve.

I'm not a man. I won't play soccer. Alright, so let us know. Your top five outfits, looks, vibes that you will get killed by a person. What do you think for a girl? Are there any girls that, like, scare you? Apparently not. No.

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Hey, first time follower, long time listener calling in. I got a stupid animal question for you. You know those turtles that are like 800 years old? I just want to hear your opinion. Do you think you've walked more miles on this earth than those turtles have? Walked more miles than those turtles that are, he's right, those turtles are legit, like, hundreds of years old. Yeah.

I think it's like, I don't think it's 800, I think it's like 300, though. Yeah, I was going to say two, but it's hundreds. Yeah. It's hundreds of years. Give me your guess. How old do you think the oldest tortoise is? I'm going to go 180.

Is the oldest, I was going to say 348. Okay. That was crazy. Very specific. I'm going to change mine to specific to 182. I thought, now I might be confused with a shark. I think there's a shark that's roaming in the Atlantic, like a literal, a singular shark, not just like a breed.

There's like this one guy who I think has been roaming for like 348 years. But I got to find that next. How old is the oldest tortoise? Because I think it is tortoises, right? And also, this is only the oldest tortoise we know about. There could be much, much older ones. What was your guess? 182. 189. Oh, fuck me. No, that's great, though, for Price oldest tortoise we know about. There could be much older ones. What was your guess? 182.

189. Oh, fuck me. No, that's great, though, for Price is Right. That's perfect. That's seven years off. You're not going to get much better than that. And these are tortoises. What's the difference between a tortoise and a turtle?

Oh, don't ask stupid questions. I mean, it's like I'm stupid. That implies you know the answer. Don't ask stupid being me. Don't ask John questions. Capital S. Don't ask stupid being me. Like, don't ask John questions. Capital S. Don't ask stupid questions. Me.

I'm the stupid. That's more like don't ask questions to stupid people. The shark is 512 years old. Wow. And he looks like crazy. He looks like a dinosaur. I mean, but like to answer this question, I'm a very sentient being. Nope. Nope.

Like I said, stupid. You're close. Yeah. Sentient means you're aware. I mean. I think they kind of mean both. I think I know what you're talking about. There's like sentient.

I think it's also, I don't know if it's like sentient. I know what you're talking about. I don't move a lot. Because in Terminator the Skynet becomes sentient. We're learning a lot. Able to perceive or feel things. Okay. Right?

Yeah, no, it's just that one. What animals are not sentient? Yes, it's just that one. But there is something. I'm interested in all these things. You know what I was going for. That's all words mean. Words just convey an idea. And you understood what I was going for. I totally got it.

So that was the right word choice in that moment. Anyway, I don't move a lot, but I have to hope I move more than a turtle. I don't care how long that turtle's been alive, 189 years to be exact. I have to have walked more miles than him. I also think that you're talking about an animal that spends half its time in the water. I think if you picked a – I'll even give him that miles covered. If we had a GPS on him, I'll lop in miles swam and miles –

No, then you're not even close. No, I don't think so. John, John, that's all – all animals. No, I don't think so. John. John. That's all... All animals do is just, like, walk around and shit. That's all they do for their whole life. Turtles also famously nap 18 hours a day. Yeah? No.

Making that up. That's a made-up fact. I can tell it. They've tracked it. One got 12,000 miles. Okay. Okay. I definitely win. Yeah. I've walked 12,000 miles. Okay. Okay. I definitely win. Yeah. I've walked 12,000

miles this year. No. Yeah. 12,000? No. Nope. Nope. Nope. We are flying, baby. We are just throwing out stats that are not real. Maybe, because just to work, I've walked about 2,000 miles in the last year just

to work. Wait, why? Because it's a mile each way. It's two miles a day. And you go to work like 150 days a year. No, we go to work every day. I was going to go 300. Well, first of all, you go to work every work day. So that's like 250, I want to say.

So I'll knock it down to 300. You're not going to end like 200. That's not fair. I object. How many work days are there, Nick? Well, yeah, I mean, we can do this. It's five times 52. 251.

I'm going to knock down another 50 for days that we don't go to work. So 200 work days. So that's 400 miles. Yes, so not 2,000. Okay, a little less than expected. 400 a year, and you've been coming to work for 10 years. And then prior to that. By the way, I walk more on non-work days because that's where I go.

I go to bars. I go out. Sometimes. Other times you are completely sentient. What is that word? We're going to figure that word out too. There is an S word that sounds like that. That is it, but that ain't.

There's another one. I mean, I've definitely walked more than 12,000 miles in my life. That's a no brainer. We're talking the last 10 years. Oh, as a four-year-old, I ran all over the place. I walked up. And even you factor in silly things like sports. Don't they say when you play soccer, you run like 10 miles right there on the field?

Seven miles, I think it is, yeah. So you do that enough. You're running around. You're walking around. You're a little kid. I think the rules are a little different when you get fucking oranges at halftime. You might not be running seven miles when you're, you know. When I was on the red penny team, I showed up in a –

You're not even wearing cleats or anything. You're wearing like jeans. I showed up in a Bugle Boy t-shirt. They just gave me a red penny. I don't know if I was running seven miles that game. Dude, Bugle Boy is such a reference that, like, there's not much that is just your childhood. Like, ain't nobody wear Bugle Boys past the age of, like, 11. No.

We should bring that back. And Jambo. I wanted to with the Sides of the Boys collaboration. It just never came through. What? Do they have, like, a look to them, Bugle Boy? Would I know their logo or anything? Yeah, it's a little tie-dye-y, I think.

Is it? Yeah, I think maybe splotchy might be a better word for it. Splotchy? But there is a unique look where you can look at it and go, ah, it's a Bugle Boy, too. Yeah. But yeah, I think I kicked that turtle's ass. I think we talked it through, and I think ultimately you're probably right,

but I don't think now how about this if you could invest in the second half of my life versus Turtles that's probably right on my show for sure Turtles are slow and steady they are not quick but they have just been walking and I don't even think Turtles swim

I think they float I wonder if Turtles can turn on the jets definitely not walking but if they needed the... I wonder if turtles can turn on the jets. Definitely not walking, but if they needed to swim life or death, I wonder if they could dust. That one in the Nemo commercial, because I haven't seen the movie.

He looks like he's cruising. Nemo commercial? Or trailer, whatever you want to call it. He looks like he can swim a bit. But I think that... The thing about that is it's not real. He also talked a good game. He was the one who was like a surfer bro, right? He was like, what's up, dude?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think if you could do the second half of my life versus, like people have like financial planning. I have step planning. And I plan on taking less than 8,000 steps the rest of my life. Oh, eight, that's it? Yeah. For your whole life?

I got 8,000 left in me and then I just dropped dead. That'd be very funny if you got to like 7,900 and you're whole life i got 8 000 left in me and i just dropped dead that'd be very funny if you got to like you know 7 900 you're like i got i got 100 steps i made a promise it's time to kill myself or like i'm just i will just i'm not gonna kill myself i'm just gonna sit in this room forever yeah i guess that's the way you could do it you don't have to end it all you just hang out in your living room my suicide note is just my fucking step counter told you you think that people will you think that people will always go like always be like let's go for a walk and always like you know what i mean i think as things get more and more digital like more and more matrixy

where you can like you can do like ready player one shit where you could like live in a fantasy world on tv or whatever or do you think people will always be like i want to go on a hike i want to go outside i want to walk i think certain groups of people always be that not us not looking at them not us yeah my parents i feel like the world is moving towards our you know yeah like we were on the right side of history being like sentient there are things now like uh what are the, disconnecting pods. What's that? It's just like you light a pod and it closes. Oh, I thought you meant podcast. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actual pod. Right. That was birthed in my brain, that idea. Have you ever heard about the quietest room in the world? Yeah, where you go crazy in it? Yeah. It's like they said there's so little sound, you become the sound. You can hear your own heartbeat.

You hear your lungs breathing. You start to hear things that aren't even there and you lose your mind i don't i don't think i'd like that although i'd like it for a moment i think what it's like no one can be in there like longer than 10 seconds or something right i don't think yeah i think it's a little bit longer than that but yeah i think it's like you will lose your mind i uh i mean yeah i like i like to have noise on before if i go to sleep at night right but but that's because i start to hear i zone in on things that like like, I can hear the one cricket outside, or I do hear the cars outside.

So I want something constant. But I guess that's what happens. Yeah, I'll start to hear my heartbeat. I'll start to hear. Yeah. I wonder what you would hear, though. I'd like to check it out. I just wouldn't wait to.

Could you, like, hear your blood going through your veins or something? Imagine that. I think they say that that's what happens. Your blood, though, specifically? Yeah. You could hear it pumping. I've been in one for a minute before you know you have like an actual one yeah it was awesome it was at sound deprivation room or something yeah it was at columbia college i was going for just a college visit because i wanted to oh fancy boy yeah no

i couldn't afford it uh but no yeah we ended up uh they closed the door for like a minute it was freaky like the, the first time. Were you with other people? Yeah, I was with like three other people. But you guys all were quiet? Yeah, and I think they say it's when you're alone that it really starts to fuck with your head. I'd be too scared to go in one, I think. I'd like to, in theory, but I'd be like, what if the lock breaks?

I think that all the time. It took me a little while to even be able to get in a tanning booth. Really? Which is like, what if it just fucking, you know, breaks? I've seen five of us in the nation. Exactly. Or also, I know what you did last summer they he ties it off i don't know i don't know if i've seen i know what you did last summer oh really yeah great film great picture um yeah i i start i think as i'm getting older i i'm become i think this happens you like

yeah like more paranoid as like a an adult you know like your grandparents are like oh yeah you know don't go down the stairs you might fall and die they're just stairs grandma what but i find myself more and more being like you know what if like well because you have shit to live for yeah i guess so i guess so i wonder like i do think there's some it sounds so corny but i do think something kicks in with kids sometimes where you like your brain can't even help it or your brain starts thinking about things like that yeah like my kids you know what my biggest fear as a parent is like one that i'm i'm not like making in my head like the thing that i fear the most now that i have kids is when they just run in a straight line because i just know they're so clumsy and i know their their legs

can't keep up with them like little kids running so them on a straightaway full speed i'm like you're gonna trip and fall you make him do the three conjo we're not ready for the 40 i need them to change direction slow down move because i'm like you're gonna fall and you're gonna hit your teeth on the ground and it's gonna be a whole thing so like like a ball's rolling away and they're running i'm not worried about going in the street i'm just worried about them picking up too much speed on a straightaway i'm like don't run we're actually at the park once and i was throwing this ball up in the air and the kids were running after it and then this other girl joined in and she started running after it and i was throwing this ball up in the air, and the kids were running after it, and then this other girl joined in, and she started running after it,

and I was like, careful, careful, careful, and her dad was like, she's good, man. She's good. And guess what happened three throws later? She was running, and bow, fell.

I was like, I can see the future, bitch. Listen to me. See, I'm a better father than you, motherfucker. I knew your clumsy kid was going to fall. Anyway, the tortoise. We walk more than a turtle does. That's something to hang your hat on.

Sentient means able to perceive real things. Yeah, but there's something else. Does anybody know the word we're talking about? Sedentary? Is it? Sedentary. It was in my head the whole time. I was afraid to say is why i was afraid

to say that because i was thinking of sedimentary rocks remember those which i didn't kind of make sense sediment it's all just like rocks you're just sitting there yeah yeah sedentary sedentary and sentient there you know how many people are at home listening to the podcast going sedentary fucking morons same thing with hungaria and all the other times all right next up hey guys been listening since the podcast. All right, next up. Hey, guys. Been listening since literal episode one. First, I'm calling in with maybe the hardest hypothetical I've ever thought of, at least.

If your penis has this magical power where it can cure cancer, and all you have to do is have sex with that person to completion, do you take that ability? Seems like an easy yes, but once you factor in family and other males, it becomes a lot tougher. And then if you really want to get dark with it, what about children? Can you look at them in the face and say no and essentially let them die? Or do you have sex with them to cure them from cancer?

All right, have fun with that. Oh, no. I don't like this. I don't know if we can do this question. This is the ultimate question. We've got to put this in ATI because you are either a child killer or a child fucker. This. I honestly don't know.

I didn't know what my answer was going to be before kids came into play. Oh, I did. So I think the first half of this question is insanely easy. You just fuck them and save their life. Yeah, but I got to fuck everybody all the time. I don't even like sex. No, okay. So it's just like I'm not in the mood you have to die?

Because they would be knocking on your door being like, I heard you got the magic. Right. I got the magic. I don't even care. It's not even about ugly people. It's not even about fucking men or women. It's just like, look, I don't want to have sex all the time.

So wait. Oh, I get what he's saying now. And now I get what you're saying. I thought he was saying, like, you worry about the men in their family. Like, I fucked your wife and saved her, and you're like, you fucked my wife. No, he's talking about fucking men. Fucking men. Yeah.

See? You know, whatever. I think that the... Nice excuse to take a step on the gay side. I was experimenting and I saved lives. Did you say that Rob Lowe has cancer? The phone call

I've been waiting for. Twist my arm. Bend over, Rob. I love that you picked Rob Lowe. That's very funny. John really wants to fuck Rob Lowe. That's great. Kind of funny because he's like tangentially involved in our world, you know?

You'll probably run into Rob Lowe at an ex-Super Bowl party. Hey, Rob, you're going to get cancer. I'm your guy. I think my... Did you just get updates? Robert Pattinson's on his way to a... Not orthopedist.

Oncologist. Oncologist, yeah. I would have that for Google Alerts. Rob Pattinson's oncologist visit. Start getting ready. Start doing some sting tantric sex stuff. Pattinson's like, I think I'm cured. I'm like, I think you got seven more hours, buddy.

Doesn't kick in just yet. Let's make sure it sticks. Oh, man. You, I mean, imagine Timothy Chalamet. Oh, Timmy, Timmy. Timothy Chalamet. Oh, Timmy, Timmy. Timothy Chalamet. He smoked a cigarette, bro.

Hit that normal red. I'd be like fucking John Cusack and say anything outside Chalamet's house with a microwave. Blasting vibes, waves into his brain. Oh, man. With the first half of the question, I do think that my desire to be the hero and the credit I'd get for being the hero would outweigh any like, I gotta fuck this ugly girl, I gotta fuck this pretty guy. I wouldn't fuck ugly guys. If you're an ugly guy with cancer, you're dead. I'll fuck hot dudes and almost any chick. Actually, ugly people in general. If ugly guy with cancer you're dead guess what too bad fuck hot dudes and almost any chick actually ugly people in general if you're ugly you're dead pretty people of any sex i will fuck you to save your life yeah and also but you'd also become like you'd be like

uh kind of kind of committing genocide like who i'm saving who i'm not right i'm making sure everyone in the world is hot kind of doing a service the gene pool yeah i'd also just very quickly turn into big medicine. I'd be like, got to check. Well, I also would be like, just harvest this cum or something, right? Like, figure it out. Nah, I probably wouldn't. No, yeah, yeah.

Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. It's like owning a Kentucky Derby horse, a Triple Crown horse. Oh, yeah. Like, my cum is the goods. Right. And the breeder and the owner makes money.

Well, guess who breeds and owns this cum? Me. So I will jerk off and do as many cups as you want, and you've got to harvest this shit and replicate it. Yeah, I would just get fucking shit-faced every night, and then so I'm just hungover. I get really horny when I'm hungover. Just hungover on the couch.

When I'm just drinking 20 drinks a night on a Tuesday, and they're like, what are you doing? I'm like when I'm hungover. Just hungover on the couch. When I'm just drinking 20 drinks a night on a Tuesday, and they're like, what are you doing? I'm saving the world! I'm fucking working. I'm making myself incapacitated tomorrow. Shut up, honey. I'm going to save Nana. Guess who also isn't moving much anymore?

Guess who's sedentary. I'm too hungover to move, so I just fucking pull-pud all day, every day. Cash checks. I get that tattooed on my forehead. Pull pod cash checks. That's the motherfucking motto. Now, on to the second half of the question.

Let's ease into the second half of the question. Your girlfriend's grandma gets cancer. Okay. You can fuck her and save her. Do you do it? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. That's no problem.

Your girlfriend's mother. Sure. All that. Girlfriend's father. Slower, sure. Sure. Your mother, father, grandmother, I feel like. Is that easier because you're saving your own mother

or harder because you're fucking your own mother? This is a great question. This is an all-timer. It's harder. I'll tell you what. It's harder. What's harder? Talking literal or metaphorical?

What's harder? I really enjoyed the first half of this question. I care for the second half slightly less. Fucking your mom to save her life, John. Yeah, look, everyone I care about can get it. Let's put it that way, okay? Now the kids come. And you have some little fucking St. Jude's Hospital baby with the,

not baby, I'll say kid, with the, because that makes it better, with, you know, a little bandana tied around their bald head from chemo. Oh, my God. And they're like, Mr. Feidelberg, I heard you can save my life. No! Oh, my fucking God. Who sent this question? This person is a pre-crime.

Who sent this question? Because I'm about to swat them. Yeah, really. God damn. We might have to call that person back. What is wrong with you? Oh, no. What do you do?

I genuinely don't think I can give an answer. I don't think we will get canceled. I don't think I can legally say anything right now. So I know what your answer is. I know what that means, John. Oh, I can legally kill a kid in this country? Well, I think all I'll say is this. I'd have to ask the crying family

to leave. Either or. I can't come to a decision with you in the room. Whatever is about to happen, you're ruining it. Killing the mood one way or the other the vibe is just dead in the room now like imagine you said no and then you know like their mom and dad are calling you like all week long and like please you're gonna kill him or her it they go by them what do you guys think yeah let's put this on you guys oh people off camera why don't you chime in

people who didn't sign up for this he goes yeah he goes this is not my job it's like this is truly like this is the cross we bear People who didn't sign up for this. Yeah, he goes, this is not my job. It's like, this is truly, like, this is the cross we bear. Oh, man. People think this job's easy. Fuck off. I'm going to sign with them.

I'm going to fuck our kid right now. This is, what if this? What if this? What if? What if? There is no way the things we're saying are okay. No. If just you and I were sitting in a bar booth, I'd be like, dude, whisper.

We're just talking to hundreds of thousands of people. Literally, let's amplify this. So this thing on, what if I told you, at your disposal, you had a men in black thing. Okay. You could erase someone's mind do you erase

your mind their mind the public's mind like but you can only pick one group so like either they don't know anymore or you don't know anymore or the public doesn't know anymore but if the public doesn't know you know and you have to live with that and if you don't know you're fine you're walking around but like that little kid's like oh my god that guy fucked me i think the biggest part of this is that i wouldn't erase anybody's mind how do i get the praise if no one remembers how do you how do you how do you i'm gonna fuck that kid i'm gonna get credit for it this is over we have a meeting all right so we are back from our meeting we had to pause go design some some very cool shit by the way we have some a very cool collab coming out some footwear that's going to be fucking dope it's been on my mind the whole time we walked

out of the studio i saw dan and i just go, would you fuck a kid? And he was like, what? And I was like, all right, let me explain. Here's the scenario. There's cancer. There's magic. Let me explain the situation. It gets worse. The child is not healthy. Would you fuck a sickly child?

Now, Pat added a wrinkle. What? Wait, no, no, it's okay. He has cancer. It's terminal. Don't cancer. It's terminal. Don't worry. Stage four. Kevin wanted to start this to calm things down.

It seems like we're going to wrap it right back up. Pat added a quick. First of all, Pat answered in the affirmative with the quickness. He was like, oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, wait. I think the opposite. He was just like, fuck fuck it let them all die um but then but he did add the wrinkle of what if you're the hero and you're like okay i'll fucking do what i gotta do and the and the person dying is like no thanks

like there's getting rejected for sex and then there's i'm signing my own death certificate like i don't want to fuck you. I'd rather die than fuck you. That's, like, truly, I would rather die than fuck you. The ultimate negging. When negging goes, I told you that story about when I negged too hard. No. Oh, man.

I'm sure you have, but remind me. It was a long time ago. It was St. Patrick's Day, when, like, the game, the book, which i have not read except for the one time i read it i remember being wildly entertained by that book i thought it was silly and like the pickup stuff but i remember thinking it was like an awesome story those guys their lives were wild i've never read it now neil neil strauss was it wasn't mystery he was the other one um he but he was like a real writer so the book is like actually well written it's not like he was you know mystery went to write a book But he was like a real writer. So the book is like actually well written. It's not like he was, you know, Mystery went to write a book and it was like, you know, this guy doesn't know how to fuck.

Yeah, Mystery's guy clearly didn't get out of middle school. So I don't think he would really put one together that well. Neil Strauss was Style. That was his name. But they kind of did like a fight club thing. They like lived together and like, I mean i mean you know it was all under this like let's go fuck as many chicks as we can which is quite dated now and looks weird but the book the game it was it was wildly entertaining and i remember like all right like i'm gonna try to

do some of this stuff pickup artist stuff and uh it was this girl was like a friend of a friend it was it was a saint patrick's day like celebration so i was fucked up we had been drinking like all day car bombs all day jameson all day and i remember like and there's a moment i'm gonna do it and this girl's talking to me she was like clearly into me all i had to do was like not be an asshole and it would have been fine and i i said something like listen like what's what's going on right now right here and she was like what do you mean i was like you're not cutting it like you're just not cutting it right now and she was she just like looked at me, that was so fucking mean and turned around and walked away.

And I remember being like, wait, no, I was nagging. Style! You led me astray, God damn it. How have you forsaken me? This is supposed to work with 100% certainty. God damn it. And then I'm friends with that girl. It's still a friend of a friend.

So every now and then I'll like You know Not cutting it God what an asshole That was like someone being like I like to be slapped a little bit And Kevin got a steel chair I went the rocket Handcuffed her hands up

And just whacked it So anyway I still don't know Like I can't give you an ultimate answer of what's worse. I can't either. I can't. Here's the thing. Okay, I think I can actually.

People die, John. People get cancer and they die. You can't, first of all, you can't fuck everybody. You literally can't. So there's going to always be somebody on the bubble, you know? There's always, there's 64 teams that make it. There's a 65th who's on the bubble every year who's going to be be disappointed there's going to be some people and some kids who you just can't fuck and they're going to die anyway so just don't be a pedophile at all oh but then then you end the

human race well i guess not kids with cancer survive no cancer survive or you know just people it's not going to end the human race just like the people who have cancer are going to die like right now yeah that's true i just like yeah you can't save everybody yeah if i could if i could fuck like if i could only save the hot women and and rob lowe rob lowe we should we should add him on all these clips let's go go ahead next KFC fights Nick, Jackie, what's up

Antonio got a quick question for you so you know how back in little leagues whenever the team would just kick your ass afterwards they would chant that they appreciate you just disrespectful shit so if you were to apply that to your adult life

what would the worst instance of that be um i know for me it easily be like immediately after sex if a girl starts saying yeah i appreciate you i'm immediately killing myself hanging myself out the window with a bedroom sheet uh so let me know no it can't be what did they chant yeah two four six eight who do we appreciate? You don't remember that? I remember that, but I didn't think that was. Tigers, Tigers, go Tigers.

That was like, you just beat their ass. Oh, I don't know if I ever got that. I've heard that chant. I just don't know if I ever realized it understood me. They're not mocking you. It's meant to be like, good game. Like, you know, we won, but like, good game. But it is, you know. it's like, fuck you.

But it's not meant to be a slight. It's meant to be, like, you know, good game. My favorite one was the one you sang during the game when you were just beating their ass. And it was, like, I don't know if I can remember how it starts, but it was. Oh, God. You know, it was. It was. I forget. I forget what it was, like how it started, but then it would be like. You chanted this like when you're on the bench? Yeah.

Like the cheerleaders. Like, no, you were on the bench. It wasn't football. It was baseball. And it was like when you were beating the shit out of the other team, like you're up at bat. And it was like, who are we going to bury? And it's like, we'll call it the Tigers. And it's like, 12 feet wide and six feet under.

And then you go. When we hit, we'll call it the Tigers. And it's like, 12 feet wide and six feet under. And then he goes, when we hit, we hit like thunder. Thunder, Thunder Nation, we're the best team in the nation. But on Thunder, Thunderation, we're the best team in the nation. North, south, east, and west, everyone knows that we are the best. And it was, it was. Talking about digging their graves? Yeah. That's not going to fly out.

It was. And your coach was like, louder. We'd be like, louder. Let's go. We looked like literal inmates in the middle of a fucking riot. Like, 12 feet wide and 6 feet under. When we hit, we hit like thunder. Thunder.

Thunder Nation. We're the best team in the nation. North, south, east, and west, everybody knows that we are the best. And then we'd all start jumping and going crazy. We were psychopaths. Apparently. You better. You have to do that when you're up, like, 20.

Because if you do that, and then they rally and you lose, you are the biggest assholes in the world. We'd do it in the middle of a run. We'd put up, like, nine this inning. We would just have fucking riot parties in the dugout. That's awesome. I've never heard any of that. That actually sounds sicker when you're post-puberty. When you're a grown man.

You got a little gravel to it. We are the nation! Man, that's awesome. I never did. Who do we appreciate one? That sucks. To me, the greatest cheerleaders with the aggressive chant I did. Yeah. Who do we appreciate one? That sucks. The great, to me,

the greatest, uh, like the cheerleaders with the aggressive chance. Oh, is the one burning to my brain. It's the only way I'm going to spell aggressive. Yeah. That.

And thanks to Gwen Stefani for banana. But otherwise I'd be pretty fucked on both of those. ATGRV. Yes. Did you ever, uh, do, uh, do you ever hear be like the army and shoot it?

That was a good one. No, we played this one team. Where were they from? Maybe Gun Hill Road or Mack Hill Conception. We played this one school that was all black, and their cheerleaders were like, they had these routines,

these sassy black chicks who would just fucking kill it. They would do a music video, and they had this one that was like, Be like the Army and shoot it, shoot it. Be like the Navy and sink it. But they had like verses and bridges and chords. I was like, these girls, they were, I was afraid of the cheerleaders. I was scared about the team.

I was like, these girls are going to embarrass us, man. We're going to lose and they're going to dance on our graves, fucking 12 feet wide, six feet deep. You know what my favorite one was? This one happened a lot, like hockey, so I wasn't really participating in it. In high school, just a key shake. Key shakes are the best out hockey. So I wasn't really participating in it in high school. Just a key shake. Key shake is the best in the business.

I don't know that one either. That sounds ominous. Just fuck the whole audience. When the game's over, the whole crowd just takes out their keys and just starts shaking out. Like get the keys the fuck out. Get the bus going. Wow. That's awesome.

But it also just sounds cool, right? Yeah. Oh, another great one. And like, again, like, so you're a kid playing and parents are doing this. At my school, it's basically only kids in the crowd. Okay. I was going to say, adults are like, get in your fucking car and go home, Timmy. Your father got fired the other day, too.

I think UMaine had it for a while when someone on the other team would get a penalty. And as they would the fan crowd uh the student section as like the opponent would skate to the bench they would just go skate skate skate skate and when they got to the box they go sit down bitch i feel like hockey has a lot of good ones even just little things the way they tap the sticks and like the like the they have a lot of uh routines or uh what's it called the traditions that are fucking mean and good thunder nation that's up there all right let's do a couple more um wait what's the question was the last the the worst time someone's like we i appreciate you oh yeah yeah the most like backhand i say i say i appreciate you all the time i think i mean earnestly his choice by the way is like you have it you are bad at sex

sir and you know it yeah because that's a guilty conscience like like if you unless you give a if you give a real piss poor performance and the girl she didn't say i appreciate you did she after sex that no he's saying that would be the worst time for it just so the word i so he's talking about the actual phrasing of I appreciate you, right? Oh, I guess, yeah, like the singing. Yeah, let's go with the actual phrasing, I appreciate you. I actually think, you know, if you're not doing it in a backhanded way, I think it's like the nicest thing you can say about someone.

I say it all the time. It's like I take into account what you do for me, and I really, like, thank you for it and respect you for it. Yeah, I hit odds with the thanks bro, appreciate you. But if you are doing it in a backhanded way, it is pretty fucked up. I appreciate you.

I think because it's burned in my head as so genuine that it's hard for me to grasp. You could say to me... You didn't even realize that the other team was being like, we appreciate you and then we just buttfucked you, dude. I think that I don't – I don't know. If you're just telling me you appreciate me, I will not understand if you're saying it's okay.

I could see in like a business situation if you like – I don't know. Let's say you just like steamrolled someone in a negotiation, and it was like, yeah, man, like thanks. Like we appreciate your business. It's like, yeah, you just fucking – I mean I haven't gotten one of those yeah i've definitely earned one or two i was gonna say we don't even get that they can't even give us the pity you know uh all right one more last voicemail today is brought to you by miller light uh whether you are hanging out at the bar whether you're at home whether you're friday night pints in it with us whether you are hanging out at the bar, whether you're at home,

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Got a little M.I. the Asshole for you guys. I'd say it's happened about a year ago. Me and my buddies were just talking about it again. But basically, me and my girlfriend at the time, we went to just go see a movie. And she pulls out her phone and she's just texting her ex-boyfriend the whole time oh i'm talking there were like 20 minutes in the movie she hasn't put the phone down so finally like i realized and i'm like yeah like what are you doing and she's like oh like don't worry about it and like hides her phone so i'm like whatever kind of pissed off

next thing you know she pulls out again, hiding it from me. I say, that's it. I get up. Just tell her I'm going to the bathroom. Never went. Walk right out of the movie theater. Takes her until probably about a good 40 minutes to text me, to ask me where I was. So she didn't get picked up that night by her mom.

Big deal. But, um, I think it was the right move here. So, uh, let me know what you guys think. Uh,

40 minutes. That's crazy. You're really enjoying the movie. Also getting picked up by your mom. Are we, are these kids like in high school? This is crazy. Cause like you just get an Uber or something,

no? Well, he said back then. So yeah, it must be like in high school or something like that. That's like, you know, not a current girlfriend. Yeah yeah i would do this if i was with someone at the movies who was just texting anybody i yeah i don't know i you can't do it in a movie

theater why not because you can't just take a you can't send like a text in the movie theater like oh yeah i mean i'm not gonna carry on like a whole conversation yeah you can't have a full you can't have a he said for 20 minutes no 20 minutes put your fucking phone away well like you have to reply to a text fine you can't scroll twitter and you can't have a full, you can't have a, he said for 20 minutes that you're texting. No, 20 minutes, put your fucking phone away. But like, if you have to reply to a text, fine. You can't scroll Twitter and you can't have full on conversations.

But if I, like if I, if I like send a text, put it away, like a little bit later, I get that person right back. I'm not going to just send it. I think you can send,

you can send three texts in a movie. If it's like a, if it's something going on, I'm going to text as much as I fucking want. If I need to. If I'm just having a conversation for fun, yeah, you're the asshole.

But if I, I don't know, there's something important to talk about, I'm going to keep it on the low. I'm not going to be blasting or whatever. But if a little blue ambient light over here is bothering you that much, I just don't care. Then you step out of the movie and take a call for five minutes. Yeah. That solves the problem pretty much. I just don't care. Then you step out of the movie and take a call for five minutes. That solves the problem pretty quickly. I'll be right back. I'm going to go take a call real quick.

Yeah, but nobody calls anymore except for you. Yeah, I know because I don't want to text for an hour. Yeah, I just don't. People get so bent out of shape about that. It's like, what? This is... It's not like I'm saying the clicker's on or the noise is on. It's like, this little thing of light is bothering you that

much it's definitely a distracting thing no it's not yes no it's not it has become that and you will be offended by it but if you were like if if we were in if you're putting forth the effort and you're like hiding it right here and stuff like if people someone's like holding their phone up and texting if your eyes like get distracted by it It's just distracting. I guess, yeah. But I'm also just like, I really don't care about making your experience perfect. See, I like to make people's experiences as good as I can. I know.

I'm not going to go out of my way to do it. I just think people get very bent out of shape about the movies. I would never say anything about that person. What if we were in your apartment? My apartment is slightly different. If I'm like, I want to watch this movie with you. I want to show you this movie. I love this movie.

Or if I'm like, we've never seen this. I hear great things. Let's watch this movie. And like. But is that. So that's because you want that person to enjoy it. And they're like not paying attention. Or you're like, I'm bothered by the light on your phone.

Because I do. I do understand when it's like, this is my favorite movie. Or like, this is really good. I want you to see it. It's largely. I'm re-watching it again for you. Whatever. And you're not paying attention. Then it's like, what the this is my favorite movie, or like, this is really good, I want you to see it. It's largely. I'm re-watching it again for you, whatever, and you're not paying attention,

then it's like, what the fuck. It's largely that one. Yeah. And it does get like a little, and it's not much, it's just like my eyes, it's just when I see a phone light up,

I look at it. Right, like everyone does that, so like, when you take it out, I look, and I'm like, fuck,

and then like, I just get like, eventually I get annoyed of like, my eyes being distracted elsewhere. Isn't it funny how you do that thing thing where you want other people to see something? Yeah. I don't think it's crazy. I enjoy this.

I enjoy you. I think I'd like to enjoy this with you. Yeah, yeah. But then it's funny because you kind of become the annoying one too if you're one of those like, Oh, I don't. Watch, watch, watch. I won't ever say anything.

I'll just do angrily. Why didn't you think that part was funny? Why weren't you amazed like I was maybe you would thought that scene was fucking cool if you're watching the goddamn fucking movie well you just don't get it because you were on twitter you missed those 30 seconds good luck following the plot now you fucking moron

I'll do that I'll do that if we're at home too it's like like not subconsciously passive aggressively where it's like I'm gonna rewind because you have to see that like oh no i'm gonna bring that back so you need to see that part oh see i don't because i'm like good good fine fuck you yeah but then but i hope you hate this movie now and i hope you bring it up in public so i can say well she wasn't even fucking watching she doesn't even know what she's talking about totally normal behavior totally normal behavior from these two here, folks.

Yep. What's the question? I hope you pick this fight. That is, you know, when you got the goods on someone and you want the fight to happen. On TikTok, where the volume wasn't even on, so you couldn't have possibly been enjoying anything you were watching. Hypothetically speaking. What is the question, though though here uh was that okay was that okay of course it was an okay move that was perfectly fine yeah yeah yeah i mean the the um you are not the answer the don't worry about it answer is

insane like it like if you caught someone i think there's very few reasons to really be carrying on a conversation with your ex but like i don't know if there's an emergency or something did go wrong it's like or something you know if i have an ex wife like things that are like you know you're going to be talking to that person maybe you know but but then if i were to say like are you texting your ex-boyfriend and and she was like yeah like his mom is sick or something like that i'd be like all right fine but to just take it outside on a phone call for five minutes. Try to watch Fast 9 over here.

They're going to space, bitch. Shut the fuck up. But just the, like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Okay. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to fucking leave. I'll see you later.

You know what? You worry about getting your ass home because I am driving without you. All right. That's it for us. I just, you know, I guess tweeted us your answer for the question. You know? Just say accept power or decline power. Like, yeah, right.

Just have, like, answer A or B. You know, send us a letter. Accept power or decline power? Accept power or decline power? Accept power or decline power. Accept or decline. Good luck. Good luck. Marko from Chipotle. These emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life in you.

It's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life. The soundtrack to my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life.

To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To my life. To-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.