KFC Radio - Ben McKenzie, Heather McMahan, and Hunger Games Baseball

Episode Date: July 30, 2020

Subscribe, rate, and leave a review! -We lost a listener this week. -What song should replace the National Anthem? -New York bans Revel scooters -The Detroit Lions has "solved covid" -AITA Thursday: The Wedding Essay, The Penguin Lady, and Gaslighting via Boobs -Voicemails include: Hunger games baseball, dodging girlfriend in quarantine, and Being Bon Iver Ben McKenzie joins the show! We discuss being an icon as Ryan Atwood on The OC, earning the love of the comic book world with his role as Commissioner Gordon on Gotham, and his time on Broadway. He also tells us about his first acting experience which involved a 7 hour play. Heather McMahan joins the show! She tells us what it's been like living at her Mom's house in quarantine, we discuss how she's led the #FreeBritney movement, and much more. Let us know what you think on twitter @kfcradio @kfcbarstool @feitsbarstool @ben_mckenzie @HeatherKMcMahan Follow us on youtube for daily clips: https://www.youtube.com/user/KFCradioYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Not a nipple guy? Not a nipple guy. It makes me think of udders. I was gonna say, yeah, like a good cow, too. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network with thousands, maybe millions of listeners tuning in, but one less today that me and Feidelberg can rest easy about. Because we recently found out that Casey Smith's mom found KFC Radio and started tuning in. And that's always a precarious spot when, you know, it's your own family or friends.

Or you find out, you know, Ellen Karabas listens to CCK all the time. And I'm always like, Jared's talking about painting the walls. I'm always like Jared's talking about painting the walls and I'm always like this is crazy but Casey's mom found KFC Radio somehow some way she said she's not very technologically adept so like she kind of stumbled upon it and she liked it but if you

are familiar with our last episode John was talking about how he was doing mushrooms all weekend on a weekend that her mom knew that she was hanging out with John so the first question was uh casey are you doing shrooms so and i was talking about how she had the shakes from drinking too much and then hopefully she stopped listening because we went on to talk about jerking off 15 times a day i mean this is not a parent-friendly show it's not a kid-friendly show you can be a parent and enjoy the show as long as you're not... Involved. A parent tangentially involved.

Right. Because you're going to hear some things. Apparently, the direct quote was that we're both sweet boys. It's like, well, you're sweet boys. Which I agree with, by the way. Right. I mean, we're proof positive you could be sweet boys and talk about, like, butt sex and shit. I don't know.

Whatever we're going to talk about. But it's not... I look like I'm wearing an ascot right now. I don't know whatever we're going to talk about, but it's not. I look at me. I look like I'm wearing an ascot right now. I'm a sweet boy. Yeah, you do. You do. I look like fucking like Malibu Beach Ken.

Like you have a little fucking bandana tied around his neck. You look like the dude from Fred from fucking Scooby Doo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I'll tell you what, like the look. look absolutely i'm a big fan of this he was like the hot guy leader of the pack for a reason i'm like coving my dad you might catch me still rocking that rolling around with a fucking bandana tied around my neck and fucking it's a flex you got like the double collar going you got the regular collar you got the neck collar i mean sweet boy yeah mr smith's missing out on this one. So, I mean, that was always, thank God my parents don't, they don't have the ability to find the podcast.

They don't have the desire to listen to the podcast. My mom's a big podcast fan, but just not concerned with me. That's good. She's like the daily New York type shit. She's a respectable person. Yeah. Polly is not messing around With this shit over here

This weekend she was talking to my girlfriend And my girlfriend was making fun of how I shop at the supermarket By the way I want to stand by How do you shop at the supermarket? I just go down the main aisle And if I see an aisle I need I go down it She likes to weave it

Like a snake That's male femalefemale right there. That's like, I'm in and out. I don't need anything that I want. I'm going to go to the next one. That makes sense. Because especially if you do what she does, one, you end up buying shit you don't really need.

Two, you end up walking by the cereal and the candy and the this and the that. And the dog food. Cookies. The cleaning supplies. I don't need anything in this aisle. I know for a fact, let's go to the milk. Right. But she was telling my mom about it,

and my mom said, here's a little thing about dealing with vital brig men you can give them two tasks the rest is up to you yo that sort of awareness and acceptance is so important in the world i have a friend who's uh his family's big i think there's five kids and four of them are boys and one one is a sister and we were at his house one time we went we went uh his house house when we were in college and we had like a barbecue and shit and she was like serving us and like they were kind of barking out some orders and i at one point i remember being like damn like you know they're really like giving to you she's like i know my role here like i just get it you know and and and she's happy to do it and it was peaceful and it's a system that works because

she was just like these motherfuckers aren't gonna do anything someone's gonna have to like cook the food and serve it and it's gonna be me whatever there was there was one point where we were we were like two tasks we were hanging out in the living room uh in the kitchen like kind of like prepared the food whatever and i was like mom look outside and my mom like runs to the window it's like oh my god and you would have thought there was a baby running at an electrical socket with a fork and it was my dad on the grill and casey goes can you not cook and my mom goes john sells insurance let me tell you what he can do not not what he can't do. John sells insurance and he works out. Does those two things very well.

Johnny Two Tasks. That's the new name. Johnny Two Tasks. He can do two things. Like, yo, we got to do, even here, it's like we got to do like KFC radio and then we'll do like Emma the Asshole. And then after that, it's like, I need a drink. I'm out.

I'm done. I love it. It's so much better. Your mom and everybody else, I'm sure, in the family, all the women, understand that, accept that, and everybody's life is better for it. If you're just like, hey, I'll get those two things out of you and I'll take care of the rest rather than fighting it. It's an uphill battle.

Sisyphus over here. You might as well just acquiesce. Just give in, basically. It's easier to just do it than it is to teach me to do it. Right, right. That's the same reason I can't do anything handy. My dad didn't teach me how to do anything because he was like, just give me the fucking hammer. And he knew what he was doing.

Now it's like, too late. He can't teach me old dog new tricks. But it was out of frustration in the moment like, well, this is going to take three times as long. I'm not going to do that. I'll just hammer the couch. Hold the fucking flashlight. That's right. The world needs more of that. I'll tell you. Expectations.

It's the root of all evil. Expectations. I could more of that. I'll tell you. Expectations. It's the root of all evil. Expectations? Yeah. I could agree with that. You could put that in TV shows. Oh, this is going to be great. This stinks. Well, it doesn't stink.

It's okay. You just thought it was going to be. Right. I mean, especially with TV shows. We're all guilty of turning a TV show into something it's just not. It's like, no, this was just about murder or whatever. There wasn't some twist or, you know secret sex cult detective right exactly it was like no this was a guy and two cops chasing him whatever uh but i i feel like um like in relationships

whatever it's like you know girls always trying to change guys you gotta everybody's got to change a little bit but you can't you can't overhaul because then it's just not the right person. Don't ask me to do 10 tasks. Let's work on getting to three and then everyone will be happier. You bought cheese and thought it was going to be a hamburger. No, you can make cheese into something special. You can't make it into a hamburger.

You can't make it into meat. Exactly that. If you're Johnny Two Tasks, if you're a big block of cheese okay and and and somebody a girl or a boss or someone is like okay i need you to do this this this this this this this and then this and then tomorrow that you're like that's 10 things that's five times my limit i'm done but if they say hey can you do your usual two tasks and then like could you could you squeeze in one extra thing?

You might be inclined to be like, all right, I can get that one thing done. But don't ask me to do something. Don't ask me to be something I'm not because it ain't happening. Expectations. Manage them, folks. Manage them. Today's episode is brought to you by SimpliSafe. SimpliSafe is number one in home security.

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What are the rates at, John? I don't know. I just know I saw that headline. Also, I saw that the rent in New York has decreased for the first time in a decade. Makes sense. Yeah. It went down $65. Yeah.

It went down. It was. No, it went down $50. It was $3,650. It's $3,600 now. Yeah. I mean. What does that do for you? Dropping the600 now. What does that do for you?

I remember when I was haggling. I was haggling over my first apartment rent and doing that. It's going to be $1,450. I was like, $1,425. It was all going to fall apart. I had a friend of mine who wasn't

going to move in the apartment with us who was like, I'll give you guys the extra $75 a month. It was like $25 for each of us. I was like, what are we doing who wasn't going to move in the apartment with us who was like I'll give you guys the extra 75 bucks a month. It was like 25 for each of us. What are we doing? You're going to let this beautiful apartment go and not going to have an apartment in the city at the age of 24 for 25 bucks a month, you fucking idiots. Any little bit, as long as it's

not going up. Not going up is the win. Anything going down is like small victories when you are... I mean, New York is fucking nuts. Why? The rent is nuts. Oh, the rent is insane. Even when I saw that, I was like, what the fuck?

This is what we pay? And you got to like, you know, you have to earn 100 times the rent, 40 times the rent in your bank account, whatever. It's like, I just want a fucking roof over my head. God. Well, I mean, I saw the numbers. They're insane. But like,

what percentage of every state is facing eviction this month? Oh, yikes. It's like, like most states, 50%. Yo, that's, those are the unintended, not unintended,

but like unforeseen consequences for like the average person. Like, you're not thinking about the fact that there might just be like mass evictions, mass homelessness, or mass, you know,

people on the streets or scrambling. But if everyone's getting evicted, you're not going to get someone new in the apartment. Also, I think it's hard to evict someone. That's what I've heard. Well, yeah, I know for a fact it is. Especially if you have kids and stuff, if you want to go through the process, you take them to court.

You can drag it out for six months that you're not getting rent. You're nuts if you're a landlord who is going to go through with it. It's much better to just settle because you'll be tied up in legal proceedings and not getting rent for 10 times the amount of missing a month here or there. But it always just made sense to me with coronavirus.

I'm like, everybody, just press pause. You need your money to pay your bills. So I understand my rent money is helping pay your mortgage or whatever. But if you don't have to pay your mortgage, then I don't have to pay the rent, and we all just, like, chill until this is over. I guess that's just, like, a communist way of thinking where it's just, like, everybody stop with the money and the bills.

But it does seem like the better option. Dan, I saw Dan had the idea on PMT, everybody take a pill, where you all just go to sleep at the same time for two months. Like, that's about the only idea. That's the only thing that's going to stop. where you all just go to sleep at the same time for two months. That's about the only idea. That's the only thing that's going to stop. It's a more advanced pause, but it's a pause nonetheless. But actually, I keep saying this, and it's like,

no, you don't need any of this. You just do what all the other countries did. No deaths in Sweden. No sports back everywhere. It's just us. Just us. Sports are back in Canada. The NHL has like 4,000 tests. 4,000 tests, no positives. Zero positives. I are back in Canada. The NHL has like 4,000 tests. 4,000 tests.

No positives. Zero positives. I still don't know if I believe that. Hanging out in Canada. It's probably so much fun. I have a bone to pick with the NHL, though. Do you? Yeah.

We kind of touched on this in the rundown. And I'm going to take it a little further here. The NHL is obviously playing in a bubble. There are no fans in the stands. It actually looks pretty cool because they have the seats set up so you can't see a ton of empty seats like how the MLB has it where it's just they're covered. They're all covered.

It kind of looks like a TV studio rather than playing in some kind of virtual world rather than an empty stadium. It will be a factor in the playoffs and Game 7s and overtimes. You'll notice it then. But in an exhibition game, it didn't feel as exhibition-y as that's got to be so weird when you think about like a game seven overtime in the playoffs where it's dead silent for them forget about the fans just them you just hear like there's skates and the puck and like i mean someone's gonna score 6 a.m practice yeah and but it's like you know the most important moment of your life that's

actually i can't wait to see i always try to look at the positives of this shit uh but like someone will you'll be able to compare now you know like someone will be like it was this much easier or this much harder than when i had the fans breathing down my neck you'll find out which athletes really tune this shit out you know i always thought like when derrick jeter comes to the plate like does he ever even like hear or see the crowd or is it just like him in the picture and you And we'll find out now. But yeah, so they got the seats covered. And so the crowd is empty.

But since all the games are in Canada, and most of the teams are American, they have to do both anthems before games. And it makes no goddamn fucking sense to me. And I think they should not be playing any anthems. And I think they should be using it as a Trojan horse to just stop playing anthems altogether. I do not think an anthem is necessary before a sports event.

Johnny Un-American over here. I just think it's crazy. I don't think that's crazy. I think it's like, what does it have to do with it? That would have probably been the... Especially in sport, or especially in hockey as a sport, where, like, most of them aren't American. Canadian, I know. Russian, Canadian, they't american i know russian canadian they're fucking

european they're fucking canadian yeah they're sitting here while listening to the american national anthem and like why do i need to hear the american national before game well i mean there are some people who love the pageantry of it all who if they had just said like if goodell had just said when there was cavernic drama like you know what this is making sports too political like we're just not going to do it there would have been because it is political right absolutely it's incredibly political but there probably would have been, it is political, right? Absolutely. It's incredibly political, but there probably would have been an uproar from the same people who think it's disrespectful to Neil.

They would have thought it's disrespectful to get rid of it. But if you could have, like you said, Trojan horse it with this Corona thing, it was like, we're just not going to, cause we don't want to have extra proceedings. We don't have the people out there longer than they need to be.

So we're cutting all the frills. And then 2021 rolls around. You're like, you know, just like just like honestly if you get like gave me an option like what would i want one more pump-up song like an intro or national anthem but i pump up intro i bet you that in certain regions of the country that that answer is is not i mean because at the same time i think that you're thinking about it in recent years where it's become a headache and it's been an argument. But, I mean, at a playoff game or whatever, like before, if the flag's out and the anthem's playing, that is like a moment when they do the flyover for Army-Navy. Flyovers are dope.

They would do the flyover at the Bruins-Canadians Winter Classic at Gillette Stadium. They did like a B-52 bomber flyover. And I thought that thing was going to fucking touch the top of Gillette. It was so low. It was so huge. It was awesome. But some people probably feel that way even just about the anthem and the song and the flag.

Who listens to the anthem outside of a sports event? What? Who listens to the anthem anywhere before a sports event? I know, but I think the people associate it with their sports. I think that's their goosebumps moment. I think that's crazy. Because you know what you have, too? This is why it's not going to go away.

Because you have that shot of LeBron James with his hands behind his back, rocking back and forth in the line with the camera up at him. But what if they were playing fucking... Yeah, and he was just like... Let's go! Let's go! That was so much sicker. Pump it up.

Rather than a subtle thing, he was just like, Let's fucking go,'s go! Jock Jams! That was so much sicker! Pump it up! Rather than like a subtle thing, like if you're just like, let's fucking go, baby! I know. That would be... I'm with you, because I was sick of the argument. What's the new national anthem? Oh, boy. The new national anthem. I mean, we could just go Jock Jams.

I mean, there was that movement to make it the international players' anthem. You ever see that meme? It's like a checklist of all the things that are good and bad about each song. It's pretty funny. It needs to be something that's like kind of universal, right? Like everybody's going to know. Yeah. It needs to evoke like a vibe of like, you know, we're awesome.

We're going to win. Or like this is important at least. I don't know. I'm like getting jacked up just thinking about it. You just sit there like you're getting fucking going. Like a fighter in the corner for a fight. You just had like big music going. Yeah.

And you're bouncing back and forth staring at each other. Yeah. That would be so – you're like a fucking Jets and Sharks. Here we go. Here we go, baby. Oh, yeah, the badass Jets and Sharks. Let's fucking dance it out. Bam.

Bam. I'm coming for you motherfucker that would be so sick if it was just like basically if every game just starts with like a dance-off oh yeah middle america's gonna love that one get rid of my stars and stripes so now we're gonna have a ballet showdown imagine if like everyone was in the arena just getting rowdy. You know what? It reminds me of when the Eagles used to come out to Dreams and Nightmares, and they were all hopping, and the crowd was going wild.

I would be down for Dreams and Nightmares to be the anthem. Every time Dreams and Nightmares comes up, I tell this story. It was the Super Bowl 51, I think, whatever it was, Pat Seals, and they came out to Dreams and Nightmares, and there was fire all over the place. And me and Hank were sitting in the Patriots family section, and we were fucking going nuts. And I looked over, and I saw Brian Flores' brother also going nuts.

And I was like, oh, shit, we're fucked. I really, I think you could give 15% of that Super Bowl to Meek Mill and Dreams and Nightmares. I genuinely really mean that. I think that what's your most ridiculous but in your mind serious sports take that you have? In my mind Meek Mill and Dreams and Nightmares played

an actual integral part in that Super Bowl and if that song didn't exist and the whole Meek Mill thing didn't happen at that time, I don't know if they win that Super Bowl. I know in my head that's kind of silly win that Super Bowl. I agree with that. And I actually, I know in my head that's kind of silly, but in my heart I really believe it. Mine is very similar, and people get very mad at me for it,

and I think it's also very correct. 2013 Red Sox did not win the World Series if the Boston Marathon doesn't happen. See, I would think that, but if the Yankees couldn't pull out Game 7 of the World Series in 0-1, I don't know. But this was a different thing. This pull out Game 7 of the World Series and 0-1, I don't know. But this was a different thing. This was like the start of the season. And it was something to rally. It brought camaraderie to the team.

And they were like, we have a common enemy. It's like, to bring this city back. This is our fucking city. Yeah. I think it was different. That was like the end of the season. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This, I think, and it's not like, look, if I was given the option to fucking pick one

I don't want them to win the World Series but I think that they were like, alright we're fighting for Boston especially, I mean the Red Sox almost all the Red Sox champions that team had no business being anything well they always had a thing to rally around you know what I mean, like the first time it was the curse 07 was the idiots?

uh, no that was like 04 07 was kind of? No. That was like 04. 07 was kind of the forgotten one. When was the Beards? Blood, Sin, and Beards was 2013. So that was the same year. They had their identity and rallied all around that. I feel like you're being naive if you don't agree with that.

Yeah. I wrote a blog about it a long time ago, and people were furious. Well, anytime you mention these things, it's like when I said that the death toll surpassed 9-11, and this is like a new tragedy. People were like, whoa! I was like, I'm literally talking about just numbers and facts here, but you just can't mention certain things to people. But it's like if you were there, and you lived it, and you experienced it,

you can't talk about these things? It's crazy to me. That team came in last place the year before and last place the year after right right right in between and that's what the red sox do though right they stink now jesus christ uh all right so we got they stink so bad we got a couple interviews today uh we got heather mcmahon who's fucking hilarious and uh she's breaking down the free britney movement she was the whistleblower if you will will the person who put put the Free Britney movement on the map a couple years ago now. So she is the ringleader to try to get Britney Spears out.

We got Ben McKenzie on to talk a little OC. We're two guys who didn't watch the OC, but you just know when you're in the presence of greatness. You just know this is the dude who, as we've been told, girls have masturbated to this guy many times. That was the only feedback we got from girls. Hey, like, we never watched the OC.

Can you give us some tidbits on this guy? I masturbated to him in high school. Okay, well. Like, literally multiple girls in the office gave us that. I just gave the girls their office girls. That was like, hey, can we get a little help with this interview tell him i fuck myself to him tell him i will blast my clit thinking about his character in the oc yeah thanks it's gonna be great i'll say that you jerks so a couple interviews coming up of course

voicemail is coming up uh it's mi the asshole thursday so we got some stories to get into but first um one of my favorite recent developments in New York City news, if you will, it's brought to you by the Zebra. Very apropos, because the Zebra will help you save money on car insurance, which if you have been riding a scooter around New York City recently. You may have been in an accident. You may have been hit. You may have crashed. You may have bills to pay and injuries to take care of. And so anybody who's out in New York City right now can certainly use the Zebra. They've helped save over $21 billion for Americans and by helping you find the best deal possible. And ordinarily, you think it would take hours to sift through all the different insurance companies

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One of the shortest lived experiments I've ever seen in New York is the Revel scooter. This was over before I even knew it started. I'd seen them around. I did not know they were, like, available to me. I just thought it was, like, I don't know, like, something we had to go with, like a zip car. Something we had to do with a little bit more production about it. I mean, I knew of Lime. Right? Scooters.

Something about birds somewhere else. What was the one in D.C. called? Birds. Yeah. And then they're in San Francisco, Denver, Washington. A lot of these kind of fake cities where this idea flies. You can't be doing scooters and these are like these like sit-down scooters this is like you can just rent a uh i don't know what's

worse the i think the stand-up scooter people take a little more seriously because it's like uh a little bit more precarious but i feel like people hop on these scooters and they feel like they're on like a motorcycle and they just start whipping well it's borderline a motorcycle i mean yeah it basically is i mean it goes like 25 miles an hour. Oh, that's as fast as it goes? I thought it went faster. I know the stand-up ones go between 25 and 30. I don't know.

Maybe if it's a sit-down, it's even bigger. But they tried it in New York City. And yeah, like you said, I think it's like the city bikes where you can just pick them up and drop them off wherever you may be. But right now, with the outdoor bars bars the to-go cups with alcohol yeah that's 25 but no rivals can go 30 that's fast 30s fast i went 24 on uh on a scooter and i was whipping up park avenue and it was awesome but i was like if anything happens to me i am fucked like no helmet no pads no nothing and concrete like i would have been screwed uh but everybody's out

there drinking the streets are a little like you think that they're like oh there's not that many people out anymore like it's still yeah and and cars are still out there and ubers and uh and and taxis still drive like fucking assholes it's still potholes and tiny streets and gridlock traffic. And so there's just been like tons of injuries, two deaths, a zillion crashes. But here's what I don't get. Here's what I don't get. There were two deaths.

Mm-hmm. You got to break a couple eggs to make an omelet. 40,000 people die in car accidents every year. Well, but that's the thing. I think that this is, I think cars are necessary. These are not necessary. I mean, I don't know if they're necessary, but they're a useful mode of transportation.

They're useful, sure. Like the city bikes aren't necessary. You can buy your own bike. Let's see. Electric mopeds killed two people in recent weeks. They're shutting it down to ensure that more people are not harmed by the two wheels i guess the difference is if if you get a license you take a test you you they have deemed you fit to drive it and like bad shit can happen

this is like like rudy was telling me a story of they were sitting outside of the bar and they watched a girl get on one and he was like Jump Street. By the way she was dressed, by the way she was standing, by the way her body language, he was like, this girl is fucked. And she hopped on and she did the thing where like, you know, if you haven't ever revved a handlebar thing before, you know, you do it and you panic and you just do it more. And she just went zipping into the back of an Uber and she crashed and she like like fell over and it was embarrassing there's no there's really no damage and she was okay but he was like i could tell this had no shot and that i think it's more like we're just giving this to at least there's some sort of checks with cars this is like you could be drunk you could be young you could be the drunk i don't agree with the drunk i i because because you can do anything drunk

That's what someone said to me about the scooters People are averse to You can get drunk and drive a car too You do have to bank on people You're not supposed to so you don't Yeah I think that People are just not They just don't take the scooters seriously yet

And that's like rebel I mean they're probably like What the fuck do we do now I mean this was probably like a billion dollar initiative and it's just like well a couple assholes died and now our whole business plan is shut down I don't understand that I don't understand like one death if it shut everything down

because like they have every time like a fucking self driving car gets in an accident it's like we gotta shut it down we look at the whole procedure it's like it got in one accident there's's like, we gotta shut it down. Yeah. We look at the whole procedure. It's like, it got in one accident. Right. Right. Yeah, there's plenty of accidents. Those fucking happen.

That's part of being on the road when everyone else can fucking drive. I mean, that's why we opened the country, by the way. It's like, you know, some people are gonna die. Life's gotta go on. We gotta get our scooters. I don't even think, I think city bikes are a bad idea when I watch people wobbling around on those bikes. They're fucking heavy as shit. You got people who have like their laptop bag they're in suits and dresses girls are

wobbling around i'm watching skinny guys who aren't strong enough and they're just like blowing through red i mean what's the difference there you know i mean you can go faster obviously i know the difference but like these are just like modes of transportation that drunk unequipped people are using it's like and i'll tell you the whole industry is going to shit because scooter industry modes of transportation that drunk, unequipped people are using. And the whole industry is going to shit. The scooter industry? Just the whole transportation industry. Because I am so sick of fucking Uber.

Are you? You've been on this for a little while, though. You've been team yellow taxi for a minute. I feel like yellow taxis aren't out there right now. I'm not getting in yellow taxis. I'm not getting in anything. But in Uber, so hot the other day, I was like, I'll check what an Uber is. Like, 12 minutes to get to my house.

Mm-hmm. What the fuck am I going to wait 12, what am I going to do? Well, I. Stick my thumb in my ass? What am I going to do for 12 minutes? I don't know. Seems like a good alternative. It's, and then the Uber, there was a time, back when I was young, when an Uber might as well have been a chariot.

That thing showed up, and you were like. It did your bidding. People were like, ooh, what? Black car, door pops open. And also, by the way, you used to pull it up and there was just millions of cars right around your block. And it was like, wait time, less than a minute. It was like putting your hand up.

It was just like, it knew, it was inside my brain. And it was a nice car. That was the big one. Now it's like, God's going to roll up in an 86 Corolla. Now, you get an Uber XL? I got an Uber XL to go to Marty's house the other day. Which used to mean like a Suburban. Like a big fucking fat Suburban where you could sprawl out and shit.

Fucking candy in the cup holders. Right. Fucking chargers. Water bottles and shit. All over the place. Yeah, yeah. Came in a handjob. This guy rolls up and I swear he got a 94 RAV4.

And he's just like, someone can lay down in the back. Lay down in the back. Lay down in the back, dude? We can strap you to the top, bro. It's like all you need is technically the third row. There wasn't leg room in the third row. If you have to... So someone has to get in the back and turn sideways. If you don't have a legit third row, it's not...

No. Like, fuck out of here. You can get in captain's chairs. Yes. And then fucking walk in the back. And you walk in and around. If I even have to fold it down to get back there. No.

That's not a fucking XL, you goddamn shitbag. Yeah, that's some bullshit. And by the way, it costs $300 to get to Long Island. Woo. Woo. $300. Was that surging at all? Or was that just the cost of doing business?

I can't imagine anything surging right now. It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. It's not really Saturday. Well, I would be surging like a motherfucker if I was doing any work right now if you want me to deliver or pick you up double the price it's all getting nuts even the food delivery

even times when I'm not going crazy with the food it's just like $49 for myself every night I know there's a charge I know there's a tip but what is going on and we just take it. We just keep taking it.

The quality goes down. The price goes up. We just keep doing it. Just keep on doing it. It's discernibly noticeable. And I said this on radio. I forget where I said things. But the one thing that the food apps have taught me is that there's a reason why, historically speaking, it was just pizza and

Chinese that traveled. Because they're the only things that traveled. Nothing else travels. Nothing else gets there. Fries, awful sandwiches, burgers. I'll get Mexican food sometimes. That's a sloppy mess, even when it's fresh sometimes. It's a disaster. Yeah, nachos, all that shit. I'm like, that sucks. What's wrong with me? Guess what? Get it tomorrow night. Wings. You ever try to get

wings delivered? No. Even if you pick up takeout wings and you just bring them back home by the time you get back nope can't do it and you know some people they poke the hole in the in the carton and that helps but it's never it never really works pizza can do it chinese food almost somehow tastes better yeah but everything else fucking shot we're just that goddamn like lazy yeah i mean it really like there's just going to be a whole generation coming up that just nobody cooks. Nobody knows how to do anything. I know how to cook like a motherfucker.

I only know how to cook with my HelloFresh instructions. Yeah, that's the thing. You don't know how to cook. You don't know how to follow instructions. But we're just going to we're just a society going to drive around in old cars smell like cigarettes with like, not even cloth seats.

You know those ones that are like corduroy almost? With the cigarette burns in it that just smell like shit that have some obnoxious asshole driving. You're cramming seven people in because it wasn't really an XL. You're going to pay double the price that you used to. And rather than going out, you're taking that to go home to then order that same guy who's probably going to go pick up your food, bring it back 45 minutes late after he eats a couple, and then he's going to give home to then order that same guy who's probably gonna go pick up your food bring it back 45 minutes late after he eats a couple and then he's gonna give it to you it's gonna be a soggy

mess and you're gonna pay you know 3 600 bucks a month in rent all for the fucking luxury to be in the concrete jungle fuck this shit let's go to texas with joe rogan that's a wild move by the way like i like he's got kids and shit. To just be like, kids, there's no freedom in California anymore. We're going to Texas. Is that what he said? Yeah. He's just going to move to Texas for more freedom. He's peaced out on LA and went to the fucking

hills of Texas. That's a smart play by him to spin this as freedom when it's clearly taxes. Yeah, I was thinking that too. Let's get $200 million. We'll go to Texas. That's a good point. I need my freedoms. Yeah, fuck off. I need my money, dude.

That is very true. But yeah, life is a fucking catastrophe. Let's do a little Am I the Asshole? There's a couple good ones. I think we both flagged as necessary for today. Am I the the asshole is brought to you by theragun cbd now theragun where is the theragun by the way was it here did better get that theragun is if you haven't gotten a theragun yet oh mama invest in that thing that'll pop your

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I got to give a shout out to the Detroit Lions real quick. I just opened my Twitter feed and saw that I tweeted this. The Detroit Lions tweeting an eye emoji with a plexiglass between the lockers is one of the most outrageous tweets I've ever seen on the internet. It is crazy how many things we do just for show. Yep. Where it's just like, yeah, this is just like, don't worry, guys. We solved it. Don't worry.

None of us are going to get sick. We have plexiglass. Sure, we're going to go play football against each other afterwards. We'll be breathing into each other's mouths for fucking 60 minutes. And we'll shower together and all that shit. But if we're sitting together tying our shoes, we're putting on our jersey or tying our tie, we're good. I get it. Don't get me wrong.

I do plenty of things just so it's not like – so it makes it look like I'm doing something. Yeah, I mean that's even kind of what the masks are at some point. I get it. But I mean the eye emoji. But that's the thing. Like doing your victory lap. It's like when they said no more jersey exchanges and high fives at midfield after a game.

I get it. It's unnecessary. Let's limit anything that is unnecessary. Sure. But then don't also tell me that that's the plan because you have to address the idea that there's going to be linemen in each other's faces the entire fucking game. Breathing in each other's faces.

When you watch those NFL films in the Super Bowl when it's cold out, like, you can see their breath literally going into each other's mouths. So let's talk about that before we talk about plexiglass in the fucking locker, Jesus Christ. I mean, if you want to be about it, fucking give them all those fucking bouncy things that we used to do.

Remember, there's that video of me just destroying interns back in Boston? The bouncy things? You know the bubble things? Oh, yeah. It's like me smoking Dana. I always thought there should be some sort of professional. That's got to get worked in there.

You can fuck somebody up. You can rock people. Yeah, and then when they get stuck, they're like a turtle on their back. They can't get up. There should be some sort of like. You hit people so hard, they don't get stuck. They keep rolling. That's right.

Yeah. What if they did like an XFL meets those bubble things? Like you pick like your two biggest, strongest, fastest guys, and they just got to rock each other with the bubbles. I think they pop. Yeah. I think they pop. You know, they can make like industrial strength ones.

If you have like professional athletes, I feel like they pop. I think they have perfected this't think they can make industrial strength ones? If you have professional athletes, I feel like they pop. I think they have perfected this. It's called pads and helmets. Okay, just run into each other now. Well, I don't know if they perfected it. Definitely haven't perfected it. They've made it a little bit better. All right, this is one that both of us flagged as necessary.

So, am I the asshole for refusing to RSVP to my sister's wedding because I'm required to write a quote application essay just to attend now my first reaction was like fuck this but it's also kind of a flex so uh sister's getting married in february destination wedding um because of the pandemic her original venue made her cut down on guests. So it's cut down by half. So she's sending re-invites, asking everyone to RSVP again. But in order to figure out who makes the cut, she's asking everyone to submit two 250-word essays to two different questions. The gist is that they'll use this essay to find out if they – to gauge people's enthusiasm. People who don't want to write the essays will be automatically disqualified and then i guess the people who do write it they're

going to judge based on what you write uh i just feel insulted by all of this why do you still want to celebrate the questions aren't even pandemic related it's broad topics like why do you want to celebrate this day with us what will attending our wedding mean to you specifically uh she told her straight up i am not writing 500 words on why I need to attend her wedding, spend my own money on hotel and tickets, plane tickets, and buy her a gift. This has really rubbed her and my parents the wrong way. She said that to keep things fair,

if I don't fill out an RSVP correctly, I won't be saved a spot. She said, fine with me, bro. So am I the asshole for staying stubborn on this? I'm already annoyed at the thought of spending thousands and coming home to quarantine, but I will not write the 500-word essay. She's 27, by the way. And this is a brother? Sister.

Sister. Love it on everyone's hell. Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. I'm like, I get it. It depends on which side you're on. I think a sister should be in. Yes, I agree. You should be in.

Now, to keep everything fair, it sounds like these sisters maybe don't like each other. Yeah. But I love the idea of a regular wedding. I've never been. I would have never gone to a wedding in my life at this point. Yeah. But I think it's smart.

Well, you've got to pay for a party of people who don't actually care about you. Okay, so here's the thing. I think if you are using that as a device to weed people out, it's pretty brilliant. If you're using it to be like i'm actually going to sit here and read these and determine who's most important to me then i think you're kind of being an asshole if you're like grading like yeah right well that's

i mean that's probably what's going to happen here to the people like i like the idea of just like okay yeah you didn't care enough to like take this step you're you don't make the cut anymore and that's just my way it's like the SAT is getting into college. You have to have a certain number or we're not even looking at you. You don't write this, we don't even look at the rest of the resume. So I kind of like that as having a way to weed people out. Even forget about coronavirus. Just whittle people down.

It's just too expensive. But if you're sitting there reading and being like, okay. Well, Peggy here says that she really likes us. I will let anyone in who wrote the essay. If you wrote anything. That's what I'm saying. If you just filled it out and you're like, I honestly don't know what I would say.

You know what I would do? I would do the good old urban legend. I would just write, this takes guts. This doesn't even make any sense. The question wasn't about guts. What are you talking about? This is what the wedding means to me. What? I even make any sense. The question wasn't about guts. What are you talking about? This is a risk. Yeah.

This is what the wedding means to me. What? I don't get it, but I submitted something. But I, I, I would never do this as a guest, but I think it's a flex to do it as the host.

Be like, yeah, prove it. I think, prove it. I think I love it. I think I wouldn't go to the wedding are you gonna do this when you get married if you love it put your money where your mouth is

fucking dbqsa bro cite your sources bibliography i don't know any of those words mean you know what you don't you don't know is that a is that a is that a like a worldwide thing dbqsa do you have that document based question yeah you don't have that you're an idiot you know what a bibliography is yes what is it it's what you you put the end of it to cite your sources. That was kind of a shot in the dark. I almost said it's where you find synonyms. Ah, the good old thesaurus bibliography mix-up.

I caught myself. That's fucking great. Works-side-in-a-mins-a-mins. That's fucking great. We're excited in a minute. That's amazing. So are you going to do it? If you love it so much? No, I'm not going to do it. We were actually kind of talking about this earlier today,

where it is your special days are hard to navigate. Yeah. Because. We were talking about birthdays. Yeah. Where it is like it is about you. So like you're making your wedding about you. That's a pretty fair thing. You look like a dick. Yeah. But it is, like, it is about you. So, like, you're making your wedding about you. That's a pretty fair thing.

You look like a dick, but it's also, like, I mean, it's your wedding. I appreciate people who are just like, let's call it what it is, you know? Like, when you try to, like, you do the gift bags for your guests, and you try to make them, like, accommodate them, and it's like, listen, this weekend's not about accommodation. I'm spending money, I'm traveling, I'm taking my time out of my schedule. It's about you, let's just call it what it is. And, like, thanks for trying.

But, like, let's not act like you're bending over backwards. We're the ones bending over backwards for you. So let's just, you know, you want to be a selfish asshole? Let's do this. Two hundred and fifty words, by the way. It's really not that much. It's not a lot. I mean, it's, you know, a couple tweets.

It's like, come on. Let's relax. But we were talking about it with the birthday. Because it is like you're kind of a dick if you try and underplay it. Right. And then you're a dick if you overplay it. The wedding day, I imagine, is comparable to the birthday in the sense that it's a fine dance. It's like, all right, how much can I make this about me?

But then if I make it pretend it's not a big deal, then I'm a dickhead too. It's the people from Harvard. It's the I went to school in Cambridge. Just fucking say it because now I think that you think you're hot shit because you have to lie to people. Just tell me where you went to college, asshole. I don't fucking care. But the fact that you're like, oh, I can't possibly say that, they would be jealous. Fuck you, man.

When you find out that it's someone's birthday and that they've had many opportunities Just hey what's going on man what are you doing tonight And they haven't told you It's like well now you're like creating a lie For some reason what the fuck's that about It's your birthday it is My birthday and that's it Don't need any fucking Anything else

Alright moving on here am I the asshole For calling my neighbor By the way not the asshole Not the asshole for not wanting to attend By the way, not the asshole. Not the asshole for not wanting to attend. Not the asshole for not wanting to attend. But you are. I mean, I know what you're saying. Not the asshole for not wanting to write it.

A sister should get a free pass. Agreed. But as much as I can spin this and say some of it makes sense, you are an asshole if you make people write essays to come to your wedding. Let's just be clear about that. Am I the asshole for calling my neighbor a cunt after she reported my pet penguin to the homeowners association that's what hoa means right i don't know yeah my neighborhood is an hoa is in an hoa uh unfortunately it's created 10 years ago 40 of the neighborhood

refused to join uh but now okay nobody cares i have a pet penguin some brazilian guy had it where i lived and he didn't want it anymore so he gave it to me he said he rescued it from some abusive owners and it's unfit to live in the zoo or be put back in the wild as it never grew up with any other penguins i have a massive pond in my backyard where turtles and carp and koi live my fish are way too big for the penguin to eat so i'm not worried about that and here we got filtered water for him he's really happy here i'm not worried about that. And here we got filtered water for him. He's really happy here. I'm not friends with anyone on the HOA board because they're a bunch of cunts, so I never invite them to any parties or anything I host.

Before you call me the asshole for that, the board right now is trying to take away a woman's house because she is four months late on her fees. So these people are just assholes. She didn't have money because she needed to have surgery, and these people are still trying to fuck her. So the HOA is a bunch of dicks there's a woman teresa who actively roams the neighborhood and posts violations on next door and she often goes into people's property to take photos i of course am not friends with her either and she went over to my backyard and was taking photos of my pet penguin in my pond i heard a bunch of noise i walked over to see her chasing my penguin around trying to grab him

i told her she had 30 seconds to leave my property before i forcibly remove her she left but posted it all on the next door and now hoa is trying to find me uh they came to her door she said she slammed it in their face and said i'm not part of the hoa fuck off uh and now they're trying to get the local authorities involved because they don't like the pond they don't like the penguin and uh they keep trying to come with like a new compromise she keeps saying fuck off and uh eventually let's see where she's having a barbecue and uh and uh a couple of people backed her up said she's a massive cunt for reporting it the bullshit violation she's trying to take away my pets so she can go fuck herself nasty Nasty cunt. Jesus. Yeah, she like, this chick loves the C word.

Oh, it's a girl. I just assumed it was a girl. It's probably a guy. I don't know. You think pet penguin owners are likely to be guys or girls? I feel like the exotic animal market is pretty cornered by men. Men, yeah. I mean, it's the Carole Baskins of the world, though.

That's true. It's 50-50. It was either Joe or Carole. By the way, this poor penguin. What do you think a penguin who's never met a penguin thinks about himself?

He's got to be like, what the fuck is this? Am I the only one? He's looking at his fucking flippers and his feet, looking in the like in the reflection in the pond like nobody looks like me yeah there's absolutely i've never seen anything that remotely looks like me in my entire life and this i mean penguins are cold weather right

uh yeah i mean yes definitely but i think they can last elsewhere but he's probably like you can see him at a zoo right at an aquarium but it's not it's not like perfect elsewhere, but he's probably like you can see him at a zoo. Right. Right. Aquarium. But it's not it's not like perfect for them. So he's probably always a little uncomfortable and doesn't realize why. Never sees anybody who looks like himself. Has Teresa chasing him around the backyard.

Penguins, by the way. Let's not forget. We've seen video. Penguins are not to be fucked with. No, they are. They're like koalas and shit and pandas. Oh, they're so cute. And then they will fuck you up.

They have teeth. Yeah, they have those beaks. But they're cute because they find the mate, and they're monogamous, and they have the baby, and they protect the egg and all that shit. So people like the penguins. I mean, penguins don't make noise. They don't make any noise? I don't think so.

They definitely make noise. I mean, I'm sure they make noise, but I'm saying it's not like a barking dog. What noise does a penguin make? Quack, quack. Okay. Probably something like that. I think it's probably like a quack. It's probably between a quack and a what?

And a yell. Okay. Quack, quack. Quack, quack. Oh, now they're talking. Fucking A. He had to learn how to communicate with something that he could, I don't know, just befriend. It's like, listen, I'm not a penguin, so I might as well be a human.

I want to write a fucking movie about this guy. Could you imagine? The only penguin on the planet. The loneliest penguin. Do we have any penguin sounds? Let's pull it up. That's not real. That's not real.

That was like beatboxing. He was like... No way! That sounds like he's got a horn. Okay, new segment real quick. Close your eyes or face the other way. Nick, pull up random animal sounds and try to guess what they are. I like this. Oh, I already know what I'm doing first.

While he pulls this up, I mentioned this last night on the Mets postgame. Did you know that a natural predator of moose is the orca whale? Really? That moose will go, go like leg deep into water, like up in Canada or wherever, where they live. You just saw it. Play it again.

Camel. One more time. That's some sort of... That's an ostrich. Giraffe! Son of a bitch's an ostrich. Giraffe! Son of a bitch. You were close. That was closer.

I thought it had some Middle Eastern vibes to it. Yeah, it did sound like in a bazaar, like in an open market. There's like a snake whisperer or whatever those things are called. Snake charmer. Pull up another one. Another one that you don't really you know you know it's funny like even like dinosaurs you know we don't know what dinosaurs sound like spielberg made that up yeah right they might have just been like i'm a dinosaur

i'm gonna eat you i'm a t-rex zoo animal sounds so it's in a zoo so it could be any animal at all T-Rex. Zoo animal sounds. It's in a zoo. So it could be any animal at all. Hippo. I was going to say hippo. Alligator. That one was scary. Do that one more time.

That was like a growl. That was... Alligator. That was my a growl. That was... Alligator. That was my first... That sounds like a water cow. Is that what a hippo is? A water bull. Water bull.

I don't even know what a water bull is. It does nothing. Water buffalo? Oh, you're making up a bull in the water. I thought that was a real animal. Yeah, we don't know our animal sounds, huh? No. One more. I'm going to get one. we don't know our animal sounds, huh? No. One more.

I want to get one. I don't think we're going to get any. All these are pretty easy. Hold on. Let me find one. All right. Expectations are pretty high. I know.

It's like, I promise you, whatever you're going to play there, we might not have gotten, you know uh wolf wolf no no no no it was like a howl uh is that a uh i'll stick in the same family is that like a coyote it's moose moose. Moose? Getting eaten by a whale. Orca whales killing me. What sound does a rhinoceros make? That's gotta be very dinosaur-esque. So whatever they sound like is probably what dinosaurs sound like. Why a rhinoceros? Because rhinosauruses.

There you go. That's a dog. That's a rhino? Wow. That sounds like a pussy animal. I guess it's a baby, but... That sounds like a cow. Oh, you whiny little bitch. Yeah, boy, that's not a good look for dinosaurs.

Shit. How about the moose, though? Imagine watching a whale eat a moose. No. Orca whales are such motherfuckers that's like a kamikaze because you i mean you might get beached just to get a moose now that they're they're like this is what they do they do they do it usually to um seals seals like sunbathe yeah and orcas are like they're known they pop out of the water they get you and then they do the shimmy and get back in so they're like good i mean yeah i guess you could get beached but they're this is what they do they

go pretty shallow and they just fuck shit up they are nasty nasty animals we should just kill them i i would orca whales extinct oh we're working on it yeah i can't believe we haven't done it yet but like the fact that they're in sea world is just like free willy really fucked bro you've never seen that picture of sea world that's so sad what they're like when they're like trapped in the fucking no it's just a picture of the size of the whale tank. Compared to the ocean? No, compared to the parking lot. And it's like...

Yeah. I would guess it's 1 16th the size. Well, but guess what? It's like, yeah, it's a jail cell. Because you're a fucking murderer. You are an evil animal. They're not a murderer. They just eat food.

No, they do it for sport. They do it for sport. They're the ones who throw it up in the air and shit. Are you saying they actually do it for sport? I don't know, but I think if you eat an animal and you throw it up in the air and you're fucking with it, that's for sport. Kevin, I fuck with my food all the time. If it was alive, would you?

Probably not. Yeah, because you're not a psychopathic murderer like the fucking orcas are. Free Willy? Fucking kill Willy. fucking kill Willy. Extinct Willy. Christ. Anyway, who's the asshole? And another thing about penguins, giving an animal wings and not letting it fly.

Like somewhere in the fucking Noah's Ark or when God was making animals, the penguin pissed him off. Or like somebody pissed off God when he was making a penguin, and he was just like, fucking this thing can't have wings. It can't even fly. Fuck him. That's just so rude. What can you do with wings if you can't fly? You don't have fingers.

You don't have opposable thumbs. You don't have claws. Yeah, penguins are just an animal, and they're both wearing those things that players on base wear now to slide. It's just like here. I hate those things. Permanently. Permanently. Permanently.

I guess they're kind of like fins, but not really. They're kind of fins, kind of wings. You can't do either of them very, very well. Fucking poor penguins, man. Until they eat you and your dog. But my point was, I think that penguins kind of keep to themselves. And if they're not bothering anybody else, fuck out of here, homeowners association.

This also might be one of the fake ones, by the way. I think you're an asshole if you have exotic animals. Just have a dog. I agree. Shut up and be normal. List of acceptable pets. Give it to me right now. Dog.

That's it? Will you allow a cat? I'll allow a cat. Because you have to allow a cat. Because we're not cat people, but a lot of people... I mean, cat is a clear-cut number two to dog, and a lot of people love the cats. I mean, yeah, no, it's

definitively number two, but I just... What about a... A cat, like, if you die in your house, your cat's gonna eat you. Yeah, definitely. Dog's gonna bark till someone comes. Yeah, laying on top of you. Cat's gonna just eat you. Yeah. Well, I'm not saying they're nice pets. I don't like them, but I can't, in good conscience, call it half

the population assholes just for owning cats. I mean, you can call them assholes. I think it's a strong stretch to say half. I would bet 10% of the population is a cat person. Yeah, you're right. But the second largest group is – I can't call them – you can call them assholes because cat people are assholes. You can't call them freaks. I think if you own – you can own a dog.

You can own a cat. Are we talking about fish and stuff? Yeah, you you're gonna i i think of a fish as decoration right so that's out um i think it's it i think it's dog and cat i think having any rodents is weird even like hamsters and guinea pigs for little kids certainly ferrets i think if you have any other reptiles you have a turtle is weird you have a snake you're a psychopath uh i think if you own and then if you own like full-blown exotic animals you have a snake you're a psychopath uh i think if you own and then if you own like full-blown exotic animals you are a complete psychopath i mean you want to get a gator a tiger any of that shit you're you're first of all rich so you're very rich well or you're you're it's

funny you're either like rich or you're like a hillbilly right that's true you know and uh but either way rich or hillbilly you ended up dead. So, dog, cat. That's it. That's the list. Anything else, you're a fucking weirdo for living with those animals. So, anybody the asshole in the homeowners association story? The homeowners association is definitely an asshole. But you're an asshole, too, for owning an exotic pet.

Yeah, like, you can't just expect to be treated normally when you don't live normally. Like, you don't want to have penguin problems. What's the deal with homeowners associations, by the way? Where do they exist? That's just a power trip, I think. Where do you find one? Probably ritzy neighborhoods. It's probably... Well, I promised myself I'm not going to get political anymore.

So, just ritzy neighborhoods. Just asshole rich people, I think. It's like a condo board. It's just people who want to lord over you and decide your fate. This sounds awful. Yeah, I was going to say two more. I think it's like they want to keep the neighborhood a certain way so they can decide who can and can't come in. But then you get crazy with like, you can't put this addition on your house.

You can't, you know, fucking, you don't get a permit for the party. You don't, you can't put up a tent, all that fucking shit. It's the war. Yo, people in the suburbs, once you get a little bit of money and you don't have real problems, you just invent new problems. You know, oh, I gotta, I gotta get the permit zoning. What? Just let me build a shed.

You know, why do you fucking care? It's just like, let's make life difficult because it's not right now for us all right last one here we're bringing it back to gaslighting like i said gaslighting is like a girl in the bachelor said it and then everybody else in the world has said it and i think they just use it uh completely wrong anyway my boyfriend thinks i'm gaslighting him because nothing comes out nothing comes out of my boobs when i'm horny. Honestly, my life is a fucking mess. My boyfriend is a bit of a loner, but it's never really been a problem before. We both love video games, and to him, I'm quite a catch because it's not often you find a pretty girl who likes games.

Now, that statement can be taken a lot of different ways, but it looks like a compliment to me. So most of his life experiences come from the internet, which is fine, but I guess he doesn't really have that balance. Since we started dating dating i've been dragging him around with me and taking him to try new things we've had a couple obstacles uh period of time where he literally spent no attention to me paying attention to me and just played video games uh and convincing him that smelling nice isn't just a capitalistic scheme so i 19 female uh and he is 20 um uh so i 19 female was ready to lose my virginity to this guy i really loved him and overall he's just an amazing guy he was also a virgin so we were we were comfortable to just mess around the next day he's all standoffish and pissed at me i ask

why and he asks me if i was just pretending to be into it last night. I say, no, I was wet. You saw that. I love you, etc. And this, God, I'm so fucking pissed about this. He says, you're lying. If you were actually horny, milk would come out of your boobs. I just can't fucking express how goddamn infuriating, awful, angry. I don't know. I just, seriously, like he's never really been in reality or whatever. But dude, for fuck's sake,

I'm a bit stunned. I'm in stunned silence right now. And you weren't like he says he's like, I guess it's true. He he's like, guess it's true if you have nothing to say. I thought you weren't like other women, but you're all the same. I thought you loved me, blah, blah, blah. And I don't know, like I have the man I love. And then I have this bumbling idiot who I also have to deal with. And it's just shitty. Evidently, he's only experienced sex from porn, never thought it out of the ordinary because he's never talked to girls and only has brothers. I tried so hard to explain, but it was like talking to a brick wall. He claimed that I was gaslighting him, that I'm an abusive girlfriend.

I'm going to cheat on him. And he was upset. He truly believed that I was gaslighting him, that I'm an abusive girlfriend. I'm going to cheat on him. And he was upset. He truly believed that I was this evil fucking bitch. We haven't talked. He's been crying. All his friends are yes men. I think they may have convinced him that this stupid thing was a fact because he wasn't chatting with them much. What?

I was that bigoted outsider in their eyes who was flexing on them. He always seemed to brush off their remarks. But now he's not. I'm stuck. This is so stupid. I don't want my first relationship to end because my boyfriend was surprised that i'm not one of his hentai girls i mean i this is a legitimate like incel like this is like an actual like incel in real life yes i mean cell irl if you will this is like you know this guy doesn't watch porn this guy watches hentai like it's because if you watch porn, very, very few porn.

For a significant portion of my life, my only sexual experiences were via pornography. And I never thought that milk comes out of your nipples. You have to search that out. You can find that if you want to. Some people will do that for you. But you've got to search it out. That's just not your average hot blonde girl, big dick. Oh, and then there's milk squirting.

No, no, no. It doesn't happen. So this guy has been watching weird internet shit, has convinced himself that it's real, or is this just a preemptive breakup move? Like, he's just coming up with some shit, like... From him? Yeah, like, I'm gonna make myself seem

crazy. I'm gonna pick out a wild thing. You think this guy just really believes that if you're into sex, you're gonna milk coming out of your boobs. He's a guy who thought that smelling nice was a capitalistic agenda. He's a fucking incel. He's a psychopath. Honestly, this dude's deranged. For real deranged.

This is pre-crime. Lock this guy up. I started this as I was going to say he who lives in glass houses doesn't throw stones. I don't know We don't know anything. We don't know about cleaning pussies. We don't know about diva cups. We don't know nothing.

And I'll tell you what, the guy's got some good ideas. I shared the ideas. I posed the idea recently on this podcast that nipples should come. So I should know if I'm doing a good job, your nipples should come. If I'm sucking a good titty, come.

It is. Something should come if i'm sucking a good titty come it is something something should come so it's bullshit that we're just relying upon your moaning and groaning and your potential acting i need a proof positive way like yeah that came out of you from one of your holes got one nip boom done on the next i mean i come now run the run this idea i'll run it back yeah we'll run that up the flex suck this titty come on the next titty, get that to come. You can still get multiples. Then we go to the vagina. That's how it should go down.

Run this up the flagpole at the monthly meeting, girls. Like, all in favor, should we start coming out of our tits? Yay or nay at the homeowners association meeting. Like, I don't want milk, but just like, I don't know. I think it's gross. When I see that in porn, lactating stuff, that is a line I absolutely draw. I don't even watch that out of morbid curiosity. I watch anything out of morbid curiosity.

I'm not curious about milk boobs. Nope, not me, sir. Don't need it. I don't like nipples in general. I don't like nipple stuff. I like a good nipple. Nah. Big nipples, long nipples gross me out.

Wide nipples, dinner plate nipplesipples clamps on the nipples touching the nip nope no not a nipple guy not a nipple guy it makes me think of udders i was gonna say yeah like a good cow too oh god i like a good cow this guy but but what's the so the gas lighting is that he you know again this is like not the proper term here for gas lighting it's just like he's calling you it's a disagreement yeah it's like not... Like, gaslighting is when you do, like, a subtle... I'm trying to think how he would think she's... I mean, I guess he could think he's gaslighting her by just lying about something that's true.

But gaslighting needs to be a... You know, the whole idea was this guy slowly turned down the gas on the light and said, you know, and drove her crazy by saying nothing was changing. It's got to be repeated behavior that's subtle that, like, influences and establishes a power dynamic.

Just having a disagreement about a wildly incorrect fact. Not gaslighting. But this is insane. This is a psychopath. We're talking about a man who doesn't live in reality. She said in that thing, he doesn't live in reality. This guy is the...

We're talking about a 19 and 20 year old person. This is is silly we're talking about children here but this is your stereotypical gamer this is yeah when people talk about gamers this is who they think of right i i saw a uh slate article that said i think my daughter is in a polyamorous relationship and the title of the article was basically like are teens capable of being in poly relationships it's like i think they should be exclusively in poly relationships i think it's incapable for them to be a monogamous ones they should all be fucking each other and coming out of their tits on all sorts of people you know uh but gaslighting is funny because for years we dominated men dominated the argument, the relationship argument game by saying you're being crazy. It was our go to.

And it's true a lot of the time. And then in recent days, in recent years, girls have combated that with your gaslighting me. And now it's a fair fight. I think gaslighting is bullshit. I think that you're all misusing it. I think that when you do something crazy, you kind of know it, but you just say you're gaslighting me. But now it's a fair fight.

So, like, now we got to each dig deep. You know, we both threw our fastball. Now it's time to go to our secondary pitches. Because you have your way to say no, and now it's like, all right, let me articulate better. Because when girls, I mean, in their mind, it's a free pass to do something crazy. You're not crazy.

He's doing it to you. No. I swear to God, it's a free pass to do something crazy. You're not crazy. He's doing it to you. No. I swear to God, it's you. I swear to fucking God, you're crazy. I've said that before. That there was the, wait, I forgot what I was going to say. That was great. That just, that just, that.

It was so fleeting. It was so fleeting. Oh, that there's, there's. I said on Schnitt Talk, I've said on this podcast before, where that like, at some point, because in the new Taylor Swift album, there's a song where it's like, she's not crazy. You made her this way. And I was like, I get that how people treat you influences how you act. But at some point, personal responsibility comes in.

Have to. Have to. Like, I understand that and again it's something i've talked about like i have regrets about the like i don't call people crazy anymore because i don't want to contribute to that i'm not like i don't do that anymore i'm not like you're being crazy i i i want if you're being genuinely crazy like that that's a different issue and i'm not gonna make fun of that yeah but i i disagree with how you act in the relationship is not like you're crazy come up with a better way to yeah i choose my words

carefully now with that stuff but at some point there is personal responsibility and you have to handle it like an adult i think that uh we come from i've seen a million memes recently i feel like the world is finally like catching on to it that it's like guys don't grow up learning how to handle emotional what's the word responsibility emotional emotions really yeah and hey don't be a man right like all right yes i'm gonna push this deep down into my asshole and just not talk about it but i think that girls can sometimes be like crippled by like you're handling it almost too much like everything is a thing and everything is like, uh,

what your therapist says and everything is how, uh, you know, you need to like address. It's like somewhere in the middle because I think you can, we're not doing it right, but I think you're doing like too much and we can just like try to be normal people somewhere in the fucking middle.

And, uh, I mean, I'll, I'll still definitely throw around the big C. I mean, you're crazy. You're crazy.

But the big C and the big G gaslighting, they just, that's the unstoppable force. And I'll tell you what girls are settling the evening up a lot nowadays. Cause I was out with my girlfriend Casey the other day and they ran into met new girls, whatever. And I swear to God,

I sat at the table for 45 minutes staring blankly. You didn't have anything to contribute? Well, they all screamed about murder podcasts. And it's the new sports. I'm like, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I used to say that reality TV, Kardashians, Bachelor, that's like their version of sports. I think it's the true crime podcast.

It was all true crime and murder and conspiracy theories. Because they have their stats, too. They're like, he killed 47 92 and uh yeah that is uh that's their that's they get fucking revved up about i i got congratulated for how good i am at just checking out yeah they were all like john's so good at just shutting up and sitting in the corner so much rather do that than talk to you i just stared blankly this is like this it's like sitting I was just like this It was the day when there was like the fucking Apocalypse here The weather was like crazy

We were sitting in an outdoor bar And I was just sitting alone under a tent While people were screaming about murder podcasts And lightning struck Fucking ten feet from me And I was just like Dude that's so funny to think of Just girls being like

Yeah he fucking He killed her because she was gaslighting from me. And I was just like, I'm not going to move. Dude, that's so funny to think of. Just girls being like, like, yeah, he fucking, he killed her because she was gaslighting him. No! All right, let's get into our voicemails and then we'll bang out our interviews.

Nicky Hams, Mushroom Nicky, Bunny Rabbit Nicky, what do we got? What's good, KFC? Nah, I was just thinking,

you know, this whole MLB season and the Marlins and the Phillies, you know, like possibly being exposed to COVID, you know, what are the, what are your thoughts on maybe having like a hunger game style season where, you know, if there's a breakout, you know, that team's just out and yeah, just go until there's either like a world series or go until there's one team, you know,

I'll take it a step further because we've got the American League and the National League. And if you take out one, you got to take out the other. So I think it's almost like the MTV challenge where you have like a partner, you know? And if like your partner's out, so are you. So the Marlins have to be paired with, let's say, who's like the absolute trash of the AL right now.

Let's go White Sox. Sure, yeah, White Sox, yeah. Fucking White Sox. That fucking team. It's probably just part of working here. Like the last four years I've heard like that's the team to beat this year. I know. White Sox fans are Mets fans without the absolutely required pessimism.

Like why are you guys, why do you think you're going to be good? We're terrible. We're bad franchises. We always will be until we get new owners, until we, why do you think you're going to be good? We're terrible. We're bad franchises. We always will be until we get new owners, until we do things differently. You're never going to be good. So, yeah, Marlins and White Sox, both worst teams in their respective leagues. So if, like, the Marlins get cut, like, so do you. You got to go.

Because you got to keep it all, because if you're going to be handing out, I think that if you get rid of the Marlins, everybody gets automatic wins on the schedule and just get off days or whatever. But you can't have that really with the AL. I mean, I guess you could because it's all kind of separate. But I think it should be like – Yeah, because also you could because it's – I mean, the bubbles are different. Not bubbles because they're not bubbles.

Yeah. But just like – Yeah, is there any – there is interleague though. Yeah. Yeah, right. So you would have to – East. Right.

So maybe you would have to just kind of – Whatever it is, whether it's league, region, however it's balanced. I can't really picture it in my head right now. I think you have to keep it even on both sides. So you're gone, we're gone. You could be COVID-free, but it's like, sorry, you should have been better. You're tied to the Marlins because you stink. And they're out, so now you're out too.

How about this? You're allowed to poison the other team. Like where that is? So if a team gets COVID, but here's the deal. You can't get COVID to give it to them. If you get it, how about you have like a designated carrier, like a designated hitter. No, no one on your team can have it.

So you have to like. Oh, you have to like send some. Send some girl. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe send them like Trojanjan horse card right club magic city wings type shit you know yeah you got to like lawrence taylor or something like that you you can't voluntarily get because by the way it could be happening for all we know yeah i mean i said that like in the in the nba bubble like

you know uh the the the bucks try to like get lebron you know what i mean send a girl to his place send the fucking covid bomb to his apartment to his hotel room they're gonna get dirty in the playoff someone said on nba reddit uh what if like yannis and chris middleton or something like that before the finals assuming it's them in the finals just kidnap lebron and just push him outside of the bubble. Broke the rules. You broke the rules. You got to get in quarantine.

They didn't. We didn't. So we're good. Pretty smart idea. Shit's going to go down. No doubt. No doubt. Imagine that if you just covertly kidnapped superstars.

It's like fucking you have one person running the camera, right? And then basically it's sumo wrestling. Like, out of the bubble. You're out of the bubble. He's out. He stepped out. Out of the bubble. Blows the whistle.

Spiders the ref. You're out. 14 days in quarantine. See you next year. I think, literally, who knows? If there was still the Red Sox-Yankees true rivalry, I think that would be happening. I think people would covertly be trying to sneak coronavirus into these teams' clubhouses.

I think it's smart. I think it's smart. I think if you're going to do it, you might as well do it, right? I actually, all jokes aside, I do believe removing the Marlins is just a move. Just give everybody Ws. It doesn't make any sense. It really is.

They're a terrible team. Two weeks of games? Yeah. It's just going to throw a fucking wrench into everything rather than just being like, alright, we'll remove the tumor. Remove the problem. You guys all go home. Yeah, and I mean, I don't know how that, like I said with the AL,

like, they should be kind of playing each other. There's probably going to be issues with winning percentage because you're already missing a couple games, but just fucking do it. It's an unorthodox year. Half your team, you're going to either be playing with coronavirus or shit players. You're just gone, and now these guys,

it's an extra off day where maybe you can FaceTime with your family and not feel left out. You know what I mean? You don't have to FaceTime with your family. You get to go home with your family. Oh, right, right. They're not even in the bubble. Yeah, so you get to go home, all that shit. Actually, maybe that's a bad thing then. Anything that lets these guys go back and forth

more frequently is a problem. By the way, I just love that guy starting off with nah. I love that. Nah, but I'm saying. Next up. Hey, what's up, guys? I got an am I the asshole here? So at the start of quarantine, I had to go to the office like two

to three days a week. After a couple weeks with my girlfriend working at home, I told her I'd go in every day. In reality, those days, I would just go to my brother's house and get high and play M64. Well, she recently found out. She's very upset with me. We've been together since we were like 14 years old. I didn't think it was going to be this serious, but she is pretty upset. When we did work from home, we didn't really interact with each other,

so I don't see what the big deal is. And one more thing, babe, I know you listen to the show. I love you. Bye. I mean, that's a great scam, but you can't get caught doing it. Yeah, you're the asshole. Yeah, like you – I get it. You probably should have just like gone to work as like you know my real cover is like no i was at work i didn't need to be but i was there if you really

don't want to be home and it's that annoying a that's time to make a problem b um you just cannot get caught because the answer is just like i just didn't want to be around you right and that is tough to spin but it's but it's not because it's one of those things where i don't think anyone's the asshole here yes you're the asshole for lying but it's an understandable thing yeah like i would just i would just say 24 hours a day i don't want to be around you anymore yeah it's hard for me to get my work done it's hard to just be in the place the 24 hours but but you know when you go and you just hang out with someone else it's just like well you know could you know girls are going to be like it could have been us and you just hang out with someone else, it's just like, well, girls are going to be like, it could have been us. And you just chose it to be someone else. Yeah, because I'm sick of you.

That's not. Good luck with that one. That's not a bad thing to be like, I don't want to hang out with you anymore. You know what the problem is in relationships? Girls, stereotypically speaking, of course, generalizing, don't get sick of being around their boyfriends. I disagree. They always want to be around their boyfriends they always always want to be around their boyfriends all the time you have a normal one but any any like i like the root of of all

problems with relationships where you have like the guy who can't you know go out or uh the guy who's in trouble if he goes on like a guy's weekend or whatever it's because it's a girl who's like i would spend 100 of my time with you i think i don't think that oh i i think that the the like the main thing i would change about like relationship dynamics is that like when guys get time alone they're like fuck yes and i think when girls get time alone it's like well like i'll just like i'm on the clock until we're back together with my boyfriend i think that's a personal experience i mean yeah but it's every experience i've ever had it's not down to one woman it's just every girl i've ever been around is like it's maybe you're just so intoxicating kevin they just

always need to be around stop not having kevin around uh yeah i i feel like it's not just me though i mean i think it's i think it's probably a type of guy and a type of relationship but i know tons of guys who are just like why don't they want their time alone like why don't they value that it seems like they don't value it the same way that guys do so then you're in like this imbalance of like well you want to be you want to get away from me it's like no it's just a normal i just don't want to be in the same thing all the time. I left I came back to New York to come to the office when very few people have

because I was tired of being around my family. I love my family dearly. Tired of being around them. Right. Those two things can exist at the same time. Fair thing. Yeah. And I told him as much. I'm sick of being around them. But like this girl in this story, it was probably like, if she's mad about this, she's probably like why aren't you home all the time?

Who wants to be home all the time? Who wants to be around anyone all the time? Now, you can't lie about it, but you also can get it. Anyone can understand, like, yeah, I don't want to be around someone all the time. I think this, and the bigger issue here is, going back to the earlier discussion. I think the correct mature whatever thing to do is to articulate this and say, I'm feeling a little like smothered. It's hard for me to get my work done. I'm feeling like a little trapped. I just got to get out for a little bit.

But we don't know how to do that. And it's like, oh, I feel like I'm going to disappoint you. I feel like you're going to be mad at me. So you just don't say it. And you're like, I'll just lie and go to my fucking brother just say yo i'm sick of you with a smile yeah i've always commended you for just like you just fucking say it and and don't get in trouble for it it's amazing it is amazing but i don't ever like to give that advice out because i think you're it's the only you're the only person i've ever met who it works for i don't

know anybody else who gets away with it the way you do. Not a one. I seriously don't. I do not know one person who is honest with their spouse the way you are. Not a one. But I think it's because we're afraid to do it. And you just do it. And it's like, see, I told you it would work.

It's like, honesty is not the best policy. I mean, I keep my secrets sometimes, but other times I'm just like, look, I'm sick of being with you right now. Yeah. How about this? I mean,

good luck if you're going to go down that road. It's a scary one. It's a leap of faith, bro. It's a leap of faith. I mean, she obviously gets it. Like,

we're looking at like apartments and she's like, we should get an extra bedroom because you're going to get sick of me. Yeah. But so, but is it ever like, we should get an extra bedroom because you're going to get sick of me. Is it ever like, we should get an extra bedroom because we're going to get sick of each other?

Or she just acknowledges that you get sick of her but if it was up to her, you guys would be in the one bedroom. She said we'll need our space. It's like, yeah. I hope so. We better. Better give me space. What do you think that girl's thinking right now? She listens. I think we got her side.

Yeah, but it's just funny. She's probably just listening like talking we're talking about dumb shit all of a sudden boyfriend's voice pops on airing out their business and shit wild i had a couple couples calling recently crazy do one more voicemail we'll get into our interviews what's up kfc fights uh everyone else there i was listening to today's podcast and you guys were talking about Bon Iver on this new Taylor record and I was thinking I might rather want to be Justin Vernon from Bon Iver over any other artist he's worked with so I'm looking at the people he's worked with

Kanye, Taylor, Frank Ocean, Travis Scott, Beyonce, Eminem some of the biggest artists of the 21st century. And I don't know if I'd recognize them walking down the street. And I'm wondering, would you rather be these big name artists who get, you know, flocks of people and basically can't have a private life or be somebody like Justin Vernon, who gets to work with all these huge people and can still kind of walk down the street like a normal guy. I think that's a perfect question because I think both people are kind of, like, unhappy and dissatisfied for obviously opposite reasons.

But, like, who was the other guy, Adam Duffer, Duffner, whatever? Duffner, yeah, I forget his name. I mean, he tweeted out that screenshot of Taylor's text the other day. You saw that? No. It was just, like, a text between Taylor and him. And she was like, oh, my God, I'm so excited. She sent like a snippet to him.

I think his tweet was like, I'm looking back at my text messages from when she sent me the first snippet of Folklore. And then it was also a text message from Taylor writing out some of the lyrics. It was just whatever. The point was, I clicked on his Twitter. He has 19,000 followers. And he just did a whole album with Taylor Swift. And he's probably going to get a bump from this, but he'll get to like 30,000 followers. And that guy and this Bon Iver guy, Justin whatever, is probably like, you know, you make music to like hopefully blow the fuck up.

But Bon Iver has blown up. Yeah, but I don't know Justin whoever, you know. But his music, like when Bon Iver puts out an. Yeah, but I don't know Justin whoever. But his music. When Bon Iver puts out an album, that's a big deal. But I think when you're an artist and you get a little bit of an ego, I do think you want the recognition. You would like to be famous. You do like to be the showstopper when you walk in the room,

and you're not. But then when you have too much, you go, like, literally insane. So I think it is 100% a grass is green. Yes. I was just going to say that. You definitely get, like, a little jealous. I think each side. You're like, they don't know who I am.

Yes. I'm the guy on exile. I'm the guy with Kanye and fucking trance. We just went on Platter or whatever. Yeah. But I think each side would undoubtedly switch, I think. Like, I'm so sick of this. And, like, I would love to see what it's like.

Yeah. But then, like, you see with the other side, today with Kim and Kanye, Kim's absolutely weeping in the car. And that's a special situation. That one, I can't decide how I feel about it. Is that a private moment? Do you get your private

moments? Are you not allowed private moments because you share so much? Or, because you share so much or because you share so much are you allowed your few private moments say it again because they because you share so much are you not allowed private moments or because you share so much are you allowed to have your like yo this is my one yeah i i go with this i go through this myself because i when i started blogging i decided to be like an open book. I did my kids and my wife, my relationship, all that. And then I, I've had,

I've had some fans understand it and be like, you've given us like so much that like you deserve to have like this one thing. But then other people are like, you open the door, dude, like you made it about it. And now we're talking about it.

And you know, where do you get to draw the line? I think it's more like, I think the Kardashians and them, I think they have to know like every time they go somewhere there's paparazzi if you're going to be in a car that's not even if you're in wyoming right you're just you're not i don't i won't go as far to say that i was staged although i know like the kardashians have done that stuff but they've at least got to

be like not not now like we'll get home we'll do this in 15 minutes because somebody's fucking watching so i think that was just like silly of them but it is it gets a little bit much where it's like even if you are a kardashian because i guess i just personally could sympathize with it it's like sure yes but that doesn't mean like in their lowest moments and their weakest moments we have to prey upon it you know because they have given so much of their business like just be happy with that but i do understand the other side of just like they made millions because of that, and now they've got to deal with the negative side. I get it.

But, boy, I think it's – I mean that's a tough one. She's like weeping. Yeah. It's a big cry. She's weeping in the car with her husband who's in the middle of a bipolar breakdown. Yeah. That's like – and that's why you'd rather be justin from bonnie bear because it's like i i think ultimately i would pick that because i think the what he feels is like jealousy which almost everybody experiences what the megastars feel

is like true insane i feel like what like a penguin yes a penguin in a pond in a backyard all alone a fucking mirror ball penguin where it's just like, I do not believe the human mind and emotional structure and intellect is capable of processing what those people go through. So I'd rather just be like,

I'd rather be like, this sucks, but yeah. It's like, oh, they're no longer looked at, most celebrities, but especially at that level,

you've been dehumanized. Right. You're a symbol, you're not a human. It's just like so so it can be like fuck you it can be like we don't give a shit and it doesn't matter because you don't matter right as a as a human whereas if you're bonnie there it's like the guy who has a normal job who wants to i'm gonna pull up what justin vernon looks like because i honestly i couldn't even tell you you know everybody though everybody else you talk to it's like yeah man i wish man, I wish I was the manager. I'm picturing a redhead. Like a red-beard

Portland hipster. Almost. Yeah? Yeah, too far off. Oh, he's very bald. Shaved bald or bald bald? Interesting. Yeah, like, he Googled his name

in Google Images. One of the first stories is google his name in google images one of the first stories is rick ross thought justin vernon was some random hippie see that yeah i mean that that's gotta cut you a little bit but that is you can relate to other humans when you have that moment you can be like yeah my buddy he at work he wants to be the manager and instead he's just like a fucking you know cube monkey and this person wants to be the star of the team but they're not like there are plenty of people who you can kind of cry on that shoulder and get through that feeling whereas the other one you're fucking alone in this world so give me the modest life over the fucking monster mega life um but also you know let me get the let me get the money though yeah let me get the bad, but I'll decide, okay? Let me decide that one.

All right, time for our interviews. We'll start it off with... I mean, Justin Vernon, you got to let this shit go, my man. First of all, it's rigsy. Justin Vernon looks like Harry from Home Alone when he gets his head burned with a torch. Wow, that's bad. Yeah, you got to just... You got with a torch. Wow. That's bad. Yeah, you got to just, you got to bick that one.

That's 2019? Jesus Christ. At that point, you got to have like a stylist or something, no? All right. Let's get into our interviews. First up, we got Ben McKenzie, Ryan from the OC. So we did a little memory lane. We talked a little OC.

We talked about Gotham. We talked about where he met his wife. Some funny stuff about Broadway and his new project on Audible, which is like a theatrical audio podcast. So let's talk to Ryan Atwood. Yes, we did address the death of Melissa Cooper. And what the future of the relationship would be. Right.

In his own words, what would have happened to Ryan and Melissa had she not died in a fiery car accident with Hallelujah playing in the background? I think it was Marissa. Marissa. Marissa Cooper. It's obviously two guys who did not watch the OC. We got Ben McKenzie, who is a cult icon. I don't even think you can say cult.

It's just icon. Yeah, I guess so. A cult is lesser known. The OC is just straight up iconic material. Gotham with the comic book world now getting into Audible, doing a new audio original. So you've been a busy man with a long career so far. So thanks for taking the time.

Hey, my pleasure. I love it. I'll take cult icon i don't yeah cult or or regular either way i me personally i would just take the word as icon yes exactly that uh this is probably the first interview that maybe you've ever done i think neither of us have seen the oc so we will have no questions for you yeah we got nothing yeah brilliant although i did just watch on youtube the death of marissa cooper and you carrying her out of like the flames and it's one of the most

fucking ridiculous things i've ever seen in my life that it is sir that it is one amongst many many other ridiculous moments that were captured on film um but uh the the new project is freaks and it's uh an audio original which is kind of cool it's like this scripted podcast uh storytelling with you know a bunch of names you uh christian slater carrie coon so people know the voices so kind of like i i feel that those are the newest form of entertainment and and it's been around for a little bit but i think it's going to start to catch on a lot more in years to come. So I feel like getting on early is a good move by you.

Yeah, I mean, I think they're fun. I don't know about you guys, but I listen to podcasts all the time, like sort of constantly whenever I'm out running or doing errands or whatever. So just put my kids on screens in the backseat and put my headphones in. And there you go. Right. Everyone's happy. Right. Yeah.

These are kind of like podcasts, but with talented people. You want to come do podcasts with bad people, you listen to us. You want smart people and talented people, go see Ben. Free. No, no, no, no. This is just like podcasts with like, you know, entertainers playing characters as opposed to, you know, wonderful personalities and brilliant gentlemen. Yeah, no, call them out there. They're a good podcast. It's fun. It's fun. And this one in particular is such a wild story that I really didn't know anything about.

It's somewhat fictionalized, but it's 1970s telephone hacking, telephone operators like Southwestern Bell hacking. And I sort of get a chance to send out my detective persona, which I perfected as Jim Gordon on Gotham over five years, if I can be so modest. I was able to send that up a little bit. And it's great. And Christian Slater, Kerry Coons, it's Justice and you know christian slater carrie coons it's you know justice smith great great cast and um um super fun to do like fun to play a character where you there is no you're in a booth you're sitting there you're playing around with things there's some great directions some great um uh fellow actors to work we didn't record with each other but there would

be a reader with us who was helping us sort of like bounce ideas off of them. So it was fun. I've never had a creative experience like that. Is it hard to make it sound natural? Like I listened, I watched a show on Netflix recently and it was in German. And for a little bit, I tried doing it with the English dubbed over. And you can tell that it's someone just being like, okay, I'm supposed to sound excited. I'm supposed to sound scared. And you can definitely hear that. And then when you watch a regular show, you can tell that they're, you know,

it's more real and natural. How do you, do you even encounter that? Or is that something you just know how to do as an actor? Well, what's great is that you're not dubbing somebody else, right? You're not like taking something that's already on screen and then trying to match your, you know, so all that exists in this, there is no visual. It's just the words. It's just, um, your performances. So it's,

it's actually very freeing once you, once it's sort of like, like, you know, figure that out in my head, which it probably shouldn't have taken this long, but after the first day I figured that out and then it's just like a performance like any other. Um, although the microphone is really your, you know, your sole means of expressing it. All the other physical stuff you're doing and the kind of the cadences and the rhythms are, you know, unique to you. And what's great is that there's no when you're filming something, there's so so many – there's so many cameras and the crew and the this and the that. Like you get a few takes. You get – maybe you get three, four, five takes possibly.

With this, you can do it as often as you want. I mean at a certain point, it's just a question of how bored are you getting with your own performance. Right, right. You get that diminishing returns at some point too. You do it over and over again. It's like it's not going to get any better how long does it take to do 10 episodes i think it was a few days wow that's a good paycheck that's a good business to be in you can bang these out man i finished and i was like uh hey audible you know any

now i i read in the description that it's it's not like a true story, right? It's based on true techniques or is the whole story true? No, the story is fictional, but it's based on real events. There was there were real hackers who were jumping on the telephone lines, basically kind of like pre Internet communicating and hacking these old dilapidated systems so this is a tiny it's tiny this this young kid completely turning over like a billion dollar billion dollar industry um by just like tapping into a telephone that's wild because i saw in the description again it was like hacking the system to make free phone calls and i was like i feel like you could have caused more chaos like just calling nana for free yeah exactly no i mean but i was also like it was just you know thumbing thumbing their noses

these teenagers thumbing their noses at the powers that be because it was a monopoly right um it was you know it's it's all of the like anti you know capitalist stuff it's in the ether right now little conspiracy theory theorist this like the intro is like you're just gonna put this thing in your living room and they control it and they own it so it's a lot of vibes that still i think apply to today you know yeah i wonder what they would think about us like having a siri now yeah right you're just telling them your secrets what is wrong with you totally i think i think previous generations would be shocked at how much information we're all just like totally comfortable exposing online.

We're going to pay the price one day if, if not already. Yeah. You mentioned bringing Jim Gordon's vibe to this. Is that something you really did? Were you like, you know, almost picturing him doing it or are you just saying that the same type of role? Yeah, kind of. it was like a great setup and i think there were there were i mean it was very flattered that they sent it to me because i was like oh i immediately know you know what i would do with this which is um you know all

the cliches of the bitter you know detective you know who's been around too much drinks too much coffee all like you know amped up because he's a telephone detector right he's just he's not he's not the most you know in demand guy right put it mildly right and and he ends up getting his ass kicked by a kid like basically you know he basically ends up like what how does this work so you know it was just a great opportunity to have a little fun and mess around and and great casting and cool cool experience gotham really was uh though like a hit i mean the the uh when you get acceptance from like that batman and comic book world that you as jim gordon and uh what's the kid's name who plays the joker he's unbelievable too the guy

from shameless oh yeah cameron mona cameron yeah we've had him on the show before too uh And what's the kid's name who plays the Joker? He's unbelievable, too. The guy from Shameless. Yeah, Cameron Monaghan. Cameron Monaghan. Yeah, we've had him on the show before, too. Like, those are two roles that when you get, you know, the seal of approval from those fans, I think that's a huge deal. And I know it's, you know, it's not the Marvel movie, but it's like it's in that comic realm. And it's definitely been a hit. We had a great time making it. I mean, I remember, you know know hearing about the concept from bruno

heller who created the show and i was like that's great you know uh a a a detective story set in the world of batman is awesome um and there's so much great source material i mean we were taking from different things but you know um gotham central and uh year one which which i lent the voice to um for another project a few years prior like there's just there's a lot of like groundedness to the batman world that allows you to have your cake and eat it too so it's like a hard-bitten detective but mixed with you know superheroes you're not very active on social media so you probably didn't see it but like when you were announced as like this is going to be jim gordon did you deal with like a lot of people hating it like hating the idea just because like i i feel like i've seen ben affleck tell a story i think

i've seen heath ledger even tell a story just like when they were announced as the cast member everyone was like the guy from 10 things i hate about you how the fuck is he gonna play the joker and affleck was the same way ben was like when i got cast as batman like they were like telling me to kill myself before i could ruin the role right yeah was is that something you had at all i you know i mean i think i was lucky because gordon is such a like you know everyone's like oh yeah commissioner gordon oh what a great character but he's always in the background like he's never the emphasis of a of a of a series certainly uh even a movie he's the you know he's the guy behind the desk who who helps um uh batman take down the bad guys in this case you're switching it completely he's a young guy he's in the prime and he's meeting a uh you know a bruce wayne after

his parents murder so it just flipped the whole thing on its head which i think saved me from some of that criticism not that i didn't get criticism um but like everyone was like relatively black because i don't think they knew what to expect it's like oh i remember posting the first photo they took a we did a like a little hair and makeup camera test thing before um wardrobe thing before filming. And it was just me in a suit with a GCPD badge. I buzzed my hair. So I looked, I looked at military, which is what I was supposed to be. And I was like, here's detective Jim Gordon. And the internet was like,

that's so cool. And, you know, and also like, what? That's not, you know, what? And, you know, and provoke that conversation of where's his mustache? And you're like, trust me, you do not want to see me with a mustache. This whole thing is going to become a joke. You're looking sharp with the scruff there. I like it. Hey, man, I'm giving up, dude. I think everybody's given the beard and the long hair a shot,

and you found out whether it works for you or not over the last few months you know i think you guys are rocking it too you uh you also get lucky enough to meet uh your wife i'm not meet your wife because this was part of the uh the articles that all came out this week but you kind of re-met your wife on gotham and her comments the other day were funny saying yeah if you only paid attention to me when I was on the OC, he could have had me in my prime. That's a great line, man. That's an awesome line for your wife. Yeah, she never will love me here at the end of that.

Was it something where you were like blatantly like blew her off or like you just never really interacted? Dude, I have no memory of it. Yeah, that's not a good answer either that's not good bro but like i don't it was in passing it was like for five minutes and like you know i i i freely acknowledge that i'm an idiot for not you know uh whatever but uh for not for not seeing yeah seeing her for who she truly is, which is a beautiful, wonderful thing. There you go. I'm back on track.

There you go. But yeah, no, she just wants to torture me with it, which is any wife's job. Absolutely. I'm proud of her for doing it and well done. And she's right, I'm dumb, but she married me anyway. So who's the winner? Who's really dumb, you know?

Who's the winner and who really dumb you know who's the winner and who's really the idiot my mom always says uh she's like you know when we first started dating your father used to kind of run around on me a little bit and i've been making him pay for it every single day of his life since and that's marriage there you go kids find your spouse one day um as far as that sentence with when when my mom said you started dating and i was like all right anyway i i think we've all been affected obviously by this uh quite a bit but you've been affected in a particularly unique way you had just started on broadway and i imagine grand horizons is shut down now obviously it is yeah yeah but

was great great but was what was odd about it was that grand horizons which was on broadway and closed march 2nd was always set to close march 2nd oh really second stage yeah they do limited runs so we started in december and we finished up in March and that was always the plan. And I remember in February, you know, as Corona was kind of starting to come around or we were, no one really knew anything bubbling. I remember hearing people cough in the audience and you know, there's always a little bit of a pause. I remember feeling the, the, the unease with which other audience members were listening to someone hacking

coffee. There was a stretch where that was a dangerous thing to do. That was a way to get everyone in the room to hate you real quick. Just a casual cough. It was so strange. I was taking the subway to work every single day from

where I live into Manhattan. And like skin of our teeth, Every single day from where I live into Manhattan. And skin of our teeth, we got out. We probably were one of the last shows to close on its own terms. Everything else ultimately got shut down only two weeks later. What was that experience like? I'm a big Broadway guy. I'm a Broadway guy, but in the lame way.

I'm a big mainstream Broadway guy. I don't know the secret upcoming shows, but I love going to broadway what was it like for you to to kind of get to experience that or do that i imagine it was a drink yeah i grew up with i mean i grew up um the first experience i had of acting was a play that my uncle had written my dad's brother and i grew up in austin texas but he wrote this play that premiered on, well, actually it opened in LA and then it moved to Broadway. And I was about 12 years old and my mom bought my two younger brothers and I matching blazers with tan slacks. And we all like put on a little tie and jacket and went to see this Broadway play. And it was this transcendent experience with seven hour play. And I was hooked. So I've been winning. Seven And you were, you were 12. Holy moly.

I mean, the only thing I could do when I was 12 for seven hours is like play video games or masturbate. I don't know how you, I don't know how you could do that for that's intense, man. Yeah, it was really wild. And I remember a seed being planted. So, you know, actually, and then I moved to New York after graduating college some years later. Um, and I never made it to Broadway. I ended up in LA.

Hey, and I ended up doing UFC and Southland Gotham and, and Gotham brought it back to New York. So after Gotham finished, I was like, I really want to try to get out there. And, and thankfully this play came along written by an old old friend of mine, actually, uh, best wall. best wolf and um and it was just it was great it was a great experience and and there's nothing like being up there eight times a week i feel so bad for the broadway community it's just a it's it's something people don't really like there's so much going on in the world that there's there's there's a

it's hard to like um to find any space to talk about it but that that community is just um decimated because of it and and and um you know i hope that they'll um that they'll come back and i do think that they will eventually but um very strange time to be one of the last shows to close on boba what are what are the back room like the dressing rooms i feel like in my mind like the dressing rooms are like really elegant because it's like divas and stuff like that in the theater but like aside from being haunted i imagine what like they're pretty bad back there right right we were at the helen hayes so helen was walking the walking around backstage uh we i shared dressing room with two other two other two other fellows uh michael uri and malik pancholi uh lovely lovely gentleman uh we got to know each

other quite well having to change in front of each other um oh so you guys are good friends now you gotta be good friends once you see each other naked you're good friends yeah it's official yeah yeah yeah well actors actors is like trying to get them to keep their clothes on it was uh it was easy man it was easy they were great um but yeah broadway's for the love man nobody's nobody's i mean i guess there's some version of commercial theater we weren't really doing that for second stages non-profits everybody's making the same same wage which is totally fine totally good but uh but it's not a i it's it's do it for the love i've always said that that i have no idea what people on broadway make and i

would believe you if you told me fifty thousand dollars a year i would believe you told me five million dollars a year it's i i could believe absolutely anything i have no clue well there's a there's a massive difference between the sort of commercial and the non-profit and um no i mean that this was this was was was for the love and um and it was great i i really i really um really appreciate it and and you know because it was one of the last i felt like i sort of got unbelievably lucky to have had the opportunity given that broadway is not going to reopen again for at least another year i know broadway's being smart about it i mean you're seeing sports try to rush back and it's not

working and broadway you look at all the smart people you look at harvard graduates like like ivy league schools you look at people on broadway you look at companies like google they're all like nope not even close and everyone else is like stupid tells you something yeah it really does it really does uh well we appreciate it man i got one more question for you uh if if things had gone different on the oc because you know sounded like there was some drama you need to write certain things into the script. If that was able to just play out the way they maybe originally intended it, do you think you would have

ended up with Marissa Cooper? Oh. Maybe. Yeah. I don't know. That's a good question. Yeah. I mean, that's definitely the way they set it up. That's what the fans wanted. Right. Poor kid. Rich girl.

Yeah. I don't know. That's a good question.. Poor kid. Right. Poor kid. Rich girl. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question. Instead, you end up holding her in the street singing Hallelujah with the music in the background. Yeah, exactly. Hallelujah. Much better this time. Freaks is an audio original from Audible. You can download it. If you've got an Amazon account, you pop on Audible. You can download it right now for free. Ten episodes.

It's like a theatrical performance with names you know. Very cool stuff. Very interesting. Very new age. So good on you, and thanks for the time, man. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thanks, man.

Have a good one. Cheers, guys. All right. Thank you to Ryan Atwood. Let's get into it now with Heather McMahon. So when I first jumped into the free Britney pool, I was told that Heather McMahon is the person to talk to about this. She is the gang leader and she is going to lead the charge. So I immediately reached out to her.

She said her husband's a stoolie. She's got like half a million followers. She's big time on Instagram. So a very funny conversation about Britney amongst other things with Heather McMahon here on KC Radio. Hello. What's going on? Hi, guys. How are you? Just fantastic. How are you? I actually am doing good today. I can say that honestly. Good.

That's a rarity. Yeah, usually it's a lie. Yeah. I'm right there with you. I'm holding on by literally like an iced coffee and a martini every day. I'm coming to you live from our closet. We have people sanding the floors today on all days, So I'm literally hiding in our closet right now. So I apologize.

And this is the closet that your, uh, your mom just like redecorator redesigned or some shit, right? Yes. I am 33 years old and I have just moved back into, um, my mom's house. Yeah. With my fiance. So I don't know if that's going to end my marriage, uh, really, you know, skyrocketed. I don't know where we're going.

Um, uh, just a quick pit stop. I don't know where we're going emotionally. Just a quick pit stop. Or are we, did we run into some troubled times, Heather? What's going on here? No, you know what? I was living in New York and I'm always on the road, you know, touring and doing shows. And I'm really between Atlanta and LA. And my fiance's a born and raised New Yorker.

And he was like, fuck this. I'm tired of New York and the global pandemic hit. And he was like, no, let's move south. So we're just kind of taking over the uh Chateau McMahon if you will and my mom doesn't know she's probably about to get the boot we're all we're all one big happy family right now I'll tell you what I didn't know where in the world you were but I could have guessed the south given on by like the pastel colored shirts back there there's not a lot of black hanging up well that's all jeff's okay let me just get this out of the way though um i have you know done a lot of cool things in my career dennis sold out tour co-hosted the today show

me being on this podcast right now is giving me more street cred with my fiance than anything um he was like geeking the fuck out and i'm okay, like put your penis back in your pants. Chill. Like it's a bromance. He loves y'all. So thank you for having me. Tell him that we certainly appreciate that. Yeah. Today's a big day, by the way.

You know what today is? July 22nd. Our girl Brittany has a court case today. Yeah. Okay. Y'all, what are we going to do? Lay it on me, girl. What's the plan?

Here's the thing. So I started kind of whistleblowing on Britney Spears back in like 2016. Cause I was hung over one day. Yeah. I've been doing some, uh, unsolved mysteries work, if you will. I, uh, was, you know, I was hung over one day laying in bed, watching her do those, you know, those, uh, fashion runway walks where she just kind of looks, you know, she's in like a tight bandage dress, just trying to figure life out. And I was like, why is nobody talking about this? So I started talking about it publicly and then it

kind of took off. Then of course it like subsided for a little while. And now I think since everyone's, you know, become a conspiracy theorist because they have nothing else to fucking do with their time. Um, every, all the Gen Z years have been like peeling back the layers trying to figure out what's going on with Britney. I mean, people think that I can actually save her. Like at one point I had to sit back and be like, hey, brah, like I don't have any connection to her. I tried to get in touch with Jamie Lynn. Like I've got to wait for them to like blink twice

and send me a signal and then I'll show up to her house and you know, foul out. Are you worried that you're going to have to go full like Pizzagate person to show up at her house with an ak be like let britney out now honestly honestly at some point there were moments where i was just like really revved up like this is our girl because people have to realize like i come at it from i'm just a huge fucking fan like i adore her yeah um but also i think there's a lot about what's going on with her situation that we don't know. You know, I mean, I think it's frustrating if you're looking inward.

You're like, OK, she doesn't have control of her money. Clearly, she doesn't have control of, you know, we don't see her kids a lot, which I respect. And apparently they've been doing their own live streams from their dad's house. You know, I can't imagine to be that successful and not have a credit card not have you know be basically stuck in your home i mean brady's the only one who's been actually thriving during quarantine yeah she's used to this shit when i heard i mean she made 131 million dollars on tour she put out an album and did a vegas residency and she can't get flowers sent to her hotel room because it's over her budget that her dad gives i mean fuck that and honestly yeah i i uh she is a little crazy right i mean something's going on there you

can't not be you grew up in the mickey mouse club like you have to be you've been in the public eye this long yes you're definitely and so i've had like mild success over the last two years and i'm even fucking losing my mind right yeah you've, you've got family members coming out of the woodwork being like, you're going to call me a check. And you're like, no, uncle Terry, you're an alcoholic.

Like get away. I think that's what she's dealing with right now. But I, but I mean, there's every chance that if, if, if when we get her out of this conservatorship, I could see her blowing $200 million like tomorrow and being an absolute

lunatic. But I think you deserve the right to do that. Like let the girl live. And if she fucks it up, she fucks it up. I really think genuinely Brittany wants to go back to Louisiana, open a cheer studio or a dance studio where her like rolled up Sophie shorts and just live her life.

Like go barefoot in the Bayou. She's a simple girl. I can relate to her. We're both Southern. There's just something really like refreshing about putting your feet in some grass and drinking a you know a full diabetic coma sweet tea that's just like who we are and so i think she just wants to live a simple life yeah but you know people are giving her shit that her dancing's weird right now and she's trying to send us messages i will say from artist to artist that's

just her doing her thing like she's vibinging. I saw your freestyle dancing. Yeah. Just out there feeling the beat. Yeah. Just feeling the fucking beat. I mean, we're all locked up. Like, you know, some days I play like pill roulette and I just open a drawer and take something and see where the, you know, where the ride takes me. So she may be doing the same thing. Did you believe the yellow shirt thing no i didn't i really here's the deal because i do know and i've had an inside source tell me that she still is not actually free posting her instagrams so somebody else she has to send even like the crazy captions she's still sending it to another company who then has to post i mean it was a big deal but then is that like is that a legal thing or is that like a celebrity thing like she's like like famous celebrities have companies that run their

instagram or is that like a you are obligated to send anything that you put out into the world has to be run through this company first i don't know it could be through her um conservatorship or it could just yeah it could just be a celeb thing you know um but when they changed the caption though the cap the caption didn't say yellow shirt first and then was changed to mention the yellow shirt that's right that's a little suspect well i mean it it'd be even louder she had to pick up the phone and call some girl named like cheryl change it you know and then i'm sure the message would get back to her family scary shit it is scary shit and you know i know like you said the court case going on today

my heart goes out to her because i can only imagine that kind of pressure having to you know have so many people with their hand in your pocket yeah i do think that she's probably you know trying to go through some shit now her sister jamie lynn commented on um somebody's instagram and was like you have no idea what's going on my sister you cannot talk about her mental health and i totally respect that. Like we're all going through some shit, but I think it just, everybody comes from a real level of like concern for her. Cause she's the fucking shit.

Like Brittany is an icon and we just want to see her thriving and doing well. Yeah. She's next level. Like she's next level, famous next level, iconic, you know, there there's like, yeah, you had, you had a couple of hit albums. Brittany like needs body doubles when she leaves the house that, you we're talking no shit level type shit that very very few people go through it feels like we're going through a similar thing with kanye right now yeah how

how's he walking the streets how's fucking britney locked up but kanye can just do whatever he wants i mean great great point kim had that comment this morning kim might put out like a big yeah i'm stuck here big Instagram post this morning being like, look, if you deal with someone who deals with these problems, like you can't do anything unless they want to get help. And I guess, I guess save for a conservatorship.

Yeah. Or we can just like lock you in a tower and you can't get out like Cinderella. Well, it's interesting. I heard, you know, a bunch of the female comics talking about,

they were like, it's interesting how Kanye is just allowed to like roam free and hold like a rally like a political rally well while britney's just like literally just trying to you know you think that's a male house yeah a little bit i mean i think she's like a caged bird right like a baby bird like keep her safe keep her home right when i think she should just be able to like go to the cheesecake factory and fucking live her life she was young when this first happened, though, wasn't she? Connie's like 45 now, wasn't she? She was in 2007.

I think she was like 28 or something. Still, I mean... I mean, you're an adult woman, that's for sure. But I think 28 and 45 are two different times. Yeah, I... Like, at 28, my parents would take care of me if something went wrong. At 45, they'd be like, dude, you're a lost cause. Just fuck out of here.

Go fuck yourself. Figure it out. The funniest thing that's happened to me since I started to, like, post about this is the Britney fans, like, rallying. Yeah. And they're so appreciative of, like, if I just tweet, like, free Britney, they're like, so this one dude, guy, girl, I don't know. It was just like a

free britney account tweeted me and said like can you follow me so i can dm you so i can send you like the scoop and i'm like oh fuck yeah this person dms me like a hundred times a day just links and pictures and like connecting the dot it's just non-stop. And I feel like I've got a whole... They're like my army now. I'm going to stick to Brittany. There were comments on our YouTube page that said that I'm the real Kevin she deserves. Not Kevin Federline.

Let's go! Let's do this, gang! It's wild, though, to have fans like that. It's like somebody... You said, I don't know, what can we do? How could we like they will show up at a courthouse one day if not i can't believe it hasn't happened yet they're just gonna like storm her or storm her mansion yeah i mean it's really wild to see this whole movement take off and um you know i mean i i just i try and send her messages all the time

i'm like listen i think she just wants a. Like sit down with a group of girls. We'll go somewhere chill, you know, like a Maggiano's Italian grill. We'll just like have a chopped salad and just figure some shit out. I just really want to sit down and fucking talk to her and be like, yeah, what do you need? I'm here for you.

I feel like you guys would get along. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I mean, I went to school in Mississippi. Like I know that like Louisiana vibe. I'll just get in the van let's go i'm taking you home when did as as a britney super fan when did because i'm i'm like i'm a britney fan you know i i haven't really followed her career super closely anymore but like i i rarely hear britney spears song i'm like this thanks um but like when i was

in when i like played baseball in high school like like, Toxic was my walkout song. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. I liked Britney. Yeah. But when did she make this switch? Because now I feel like her super fans are only, like, mostly gay guys. Yes.

When did she become, like, a gay icon? Like, I follow a playlist on Spotify that's fire, and it's called Songs I Blame Straight People for Not Becoming Hits. playlist on spotify that's fire and it's called uh songs i blame straight people for not becoming hits and it's like mostly britney right it's like uh sleepover and stuff like that i think she's always been a gay icon because i know all my gay guy friends weren't even out of the closet like in high school they were fucking obsessed with britney so i think she's just always been that icon um because she's like you know she I think she's just always been that icon. Cause she's like, you know, she's empowered. She's just fucking sexy and raw

and like a little bit trashy in the best way. You know? It's a great description. Yeah. I mean, I always say like, I think my sense of style is like old Hollywood glamour with a splash of trash, you know? And I think that's just, you gotta keep things balanced.

No, she's always been an icon since day one. I mean, anybody who comes out and, you know, pigtails uh you know with hit me baby one more time like she right out the gate she knew what the fuck she was doing yeah that was right out the gate we talk about that a lot now but like she was how old way too young to be doing what she was doing at that age and the way we were looking at her she was like a 16 year old girl and everyone was like oh i want to fuck that school girl it's like jesus christ guys it's a child it makes sense why she's at where she's at now because like you yeah i mean she was hyper sexualized i would guess i don't know what age she was on mickey mouse club but i would guess it started then yeah like

that was a six-year-old girl right right yeah yeah that's why i'm always so fascinated by Timberlake. He's like so normal. He started back then. He did the boy band thing. He did his solo albums. I think so is Gosling. I think it's probably like guys were far less sexualized. I guess so, yeah. But I mean, but in general, unless he's just hiding it all, like he's never had, just recently this year,

he was like, there was that picture of him like touching a girl. And they were like, oh, Timberlake cheated. It was like, that was the only time I've ever seen anything negative about him. And he's like a mega star. I don't know how he did it. I'm sure it has to do with like them being dudes. Honestly, you know, you're not asked to wear certain things. You're not asked.

And the biggest thing with Britney is like, you know, her natural voice and her voice is totally different than the voice and she performs it right so i mean i have like a deep smoker voice i'm pretty sure she's down here on like my level right um because sometimes you can see some old interviews where she's like down you know just talking like this like what's up and it kind of forced her to play that baby voice that we have here it's like a character yeah so i think that's a part of the equation she's not even really she's put on a persona and a character for so long but she can't even really be just like the down-ass country girl that she is oh it sucks it sucks being a girl you guys it really does yeah yeah you're telling me even just like an average chick is you know you forget about famous just a regular girl you have to like dress a certain way act a certain way

fuck that i remember daniel radcliffe was talking about like he couldn't get like uh intimate roles after harry potter yeah and they were like we people just don't buy hogwarts kids as uh sexual beings and he's like he's like emma watson turned 14 before you had her trying to fuck on set don't tell me you don't buy a Hogwarts. You'll say it's me. Say I don't look like a nerd. Say it's not a guy. But like, you tried to get Emma Watson to fuck at a young age. Don't tell me it's that.

Listen, I mean, look at Shia LaBeouf, right? Like, he's like the hottest guy now. I mean, he went from being like kind of a goobery kid to he's just fucking, you know, up for every award and playing all these cool roles. I'm like, I only audition to play either hookers or like a tired mom of four. I have no children. I get plenty of sleep. It's like one or the other.

So, I mean, Hollywood definitely loves like pigeonhole us. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, that's it. That's all I get. What was the TikTok conspiracy that you were following? Dude, I mean, you were talking about it. That's all I get. What was the TikTok conspiracy that you were following? Dude, I mean, you were talking about it. It's like these Gen Zers talking about the deep state with the Ghislaine Maxwell and Wayfair Gate and all this shit.

I had to literally, for my own mental sanity, I had to turn off TikTok the other night and hide my phone. Because I'll be six hours deep, and I'm like, we got to save Ghislaine Maxwell at all costs. No. Just keep her alive. No. No, not that she's innocent. We got to keep her alive so she can talk.

Got it. I just want to clarify that. We don't want any Ghislaine supporters on the show here. No, no, no, no. I simply want her to name names and like we just got to make sure she stays alive. Why would she not? Like just fucking spit it, girl. It's over

for you and the whole gang just fucking tell us i i would but i when did you have you always been the conspiracy theorist or is this really uh very much a pandemic situation oh full pandemic now here's the thing i gave my mom shit my mom's 72 boomer like i used to give her shit when she'd get emails from her neighbor leslie who's like watch these creepy youtube videos and now've had, you know, plenty of time on my hands and really it's a younger generation. So now that all these young kids are just reaffirming all the videos that my mom used to send me through her email chain, I'm like, this shit's fucking real. Um, yeah, now, now I'm, I mean, it's kind of hard. Like when they put some of this shit up, you're like, oh damn,

everyone was on the Lolita express. Everyone's guilty. Um, and I kind of hard. Like, when they put some of this shit up, you're like, oh, damn. Everyone was on the Lolita Express. Like, everyone's guilty. And I find it interesting. A lot of celebrities aren't, you know, like, defending themselves. Chrissy Teigen is. She's like, you guys are fucking nuts. I was all on this. But a lot of the other celebrities are just keeping their mouths shut.

So it kind of makes you wonder. But, like, if someone was like, John's a fucking rapist. No, I'm not. John's a fucking rapist, I'd be like, what are you talking about? No, I'm not. That's a weird fucking – and granted, like, if it was hundreds of them tweeting it at me, I might say something. But if I got a few of them, I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's almost like it's so outlandish that, like, I can't even – it's like I'm not even going to dignify this with a response. Right, right, right. But at the same time, if someone was calling me a fucking pedophile i think i'd be like uh no no no no just want to clear that up but then but it's also that's like the the so i'm not a conspiracy

theorist it's one i've never really gotten into because he's an idiot he's a naive idiot but like wake up yeah if they came out and defended themselves then it's like why are you even defending yourselves over such crazy accusations what's wrong what do you? But then if you don't, like Heather just said, it's a little suspect if they haven't said anything, you can't win. That's what I mean. Once you get accused, you can't win. That's why getting famous... In a conspiracy theory. I'm not talking about largely as the legal justice system, but

in a conspiracy theory, it's like, now I'm fucking stuck between Scylla and Charybdis. That's why you're... Good reference. That's why... I had that one in the bag. Once you're famous and shit, that's why that one in the back once you're famous and shit that's why getting famous sucks because like you might just get like caught up in a fucking rumor and then also you have to defend yourself against you know a pedophile island and it's like god damn it i just wanted yeah and then all of a sudden you're trapped as trafficking kids through

trader joe's show no i was i was just buying fucking guacamole and some wine. Lay off me. Yo, guess what? There's a picture of me in front of that island. How about that? You want to get into the conspiracy theory shit? There's a picture of me and you can see the island in the background. I'm on a boat. It was...

I'm going to X out of this shit real quick. I'll see if I can find this on Facebook. I don't even know if I have access to X out of this shit real quick. Really? I got to go. I'll see if I can find this on Facebook. I don't even know if I have access to that anymore. But my family, we went to St. Bart's or St. Thomas. I forget which one it was. And we were just taking like a, you know, rented a boat for a day and had like a captain. And we were driving by that island.

And my dad was like, who lives there? Like, that is a massive place. And the guy just goes, fucking American pedophile. And that was it. How long ago was this? I mean, I can actually find out for you, but I'm going to guess it was, I was probably right around college, if not just out. So I'm going to say between 2010 and 2013.

Oh, shit. Yeah, a long time ago. Yeah, I've always heard you you have a friend in the virgin islands who was like if they she lives on that she lives she wherever i was i forget if it was st bart's or st thomas but she lives there but she was the one saying like if you want the full scoop like they should have come and talked to the the locals like then you would have heard we all knew forever everyone knew wow did y'all watch the jeffrey epstein documentary yeah yeah that just i mean that

when i watched that i was like what the fuck is going on now i do think some of the celebrities that they they've listed whether or not they're on the lolita express he also just had a black book of famous people you know when you're at that level of of um you know wealth you just run into people but it is wild i follow this like instagram account which is like celebs with gilet and it's just everybody everyone has taken a photo with this woman it's like a flashback to like party pics at sorority parties and fraternity parties in college i'm like you know where i was just in every fucking photo and i'm like this was gilet did you see her uh it sucks like if you're a celebrity it's like i think there was one i was looking at that account and there's one like reese witherspoon i'm like they're at celebrity, it's like, I think there was one, I was looking at that account, and there's one with Reese Witherspoon.

I'm like, they're at the Oscars. She's in Reese Witherspoon's territory. That's some fucking dark room. They're on the red carpet at the Oscars. What she's doing at the Oscars is a better question than what she's doing at Reese Witherspoon. Who invited her fucking there? Well, I think she was connected to Harvey Weinstein. Oh, right, right.

That would make sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was in those pictures with JonBenet. You saw that? Oh, okay. That, yeah, yeah. She was in those pictures with JonBenet. You saw that? Oh, okay. That fucking blew my mind. And it's only like a side profile. I mean, literally, that's when you can start to make yourself fucking crazy,

where you're like, is that her nose? Is that not her nose? But would it make sense? Fuck yeah. Yeah, and I'm like, if there's a missing child and there's a chance it's her, it's her and she did it. That's pretty much where i'm at so no no benefit of the doubt over here um but yeah i had to quit smoking weed and like watching

the tiktoks because i was just getting in a really like a paranoia and then i thought for a second that i could like save the children and i just said i had to take a step back i'm living with my mom come back down to earth. TikTok is fascinating. I don't know. Maybe it's just that when it opens up, it just starts. Maybe it's because they allow like mainstream music or whatever it is. It's psychologically like it captures you. Like you can't.

I mean, everybody goes down a TikTok hole. And like you said, it's like hours later. I need like a study done on why TikTok. It's like Instagram does it, but not really. Instagram doesn't do it for me at all. I'll go on Instagram for three seconds. Yeah, and you're done. It does not do it for me.

You're just flying through TikTok. Well, what do you guys get suggested? Because mine on the For You page, it's only dudes in prison now. Like I'm really deep into prison. Prison. I just learned about prison TikTok. It's awesome. It's so great.

There's that one dude who's like, kind of like a flamboyant guy. And he is, yes. Oh, he is the bell of the fucking ball. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, where the fuck did you get a hula hoop? They get a phone to tick tock. Well, so I,

I've done some research. So I'm like, I found some accounts where they explain how they like make batteries and how they like hotwire so they can charge their phones. They give like MTV crib tours of their cell. I'm like, this is fucking nuts. I'm like this close to a relationship. Oh, you're going to be a pen pal with a TikToker in like three weeks.

No, legit. There's a guy named Mike. I kind of have a crush on him. I was like, Jeff, I may put money in his commissary. Like, it's kind of hot. Jeff's like, do your thing. I feel like if you're going to hotwire a battery and

smuggle a phone in your ass, maybe use it to get out of prison. It's like, nah, I got to get the fucking renegade off, dude. I got to get my dances going. You're setting up your nest egg. When you get out of prison, guess what? That's actually a great point. Those guys will be ready to fucking roll. You're moving to the hype house.

The prison hype house. That's all they're auditioning for the hype house. Like, look how good I hula hoop, boys. It's like a halfway hype house. You can't leave it. So what else is going on career-wise? I mean, everything's kind of on

hold right now. You're not able to hit the stage. Nothing's filming really, right? So you're just kind of chilling with mom? Yeah, chilling with mom. You know, I'm working on a development. I have a show in development right now, a scripted series, kind of based on my life of like literally moving home with my mother. Yeah, but it's weird to not be on the road.

Like I have two modes. I'm either in work mode and I'm always on an airplane. I'm like this list of diamond status on Delta, or I just have no pants on and I'm like sweating in the garage and like just wandering. Like I don't have like this chill out mode is, is very rare for me. Um, so I mean like I'm crushing a Costco these days. Like I'm very domestic right now and I'm kind of loving it. Um, but yeah, I mean, I've got a podcast and we just did a live show um i'm trying to like figure out that live show space

people still want to be entertained and you know we're trying to literally do it from literally my mom's house so how was it it was awesome yeah great yeah we had awesome guests kind of set it up more like a late night show um but dude i miss doing stand-up like i miss being on the road yeah we were i'm like starting to itch we don't even do stand-up like i miss being on the road yeah we were i'm like starting to itch we don't even do stand-up or anything like that but the other day i went on like a helicopter ride and it was before the chopper thing you sat in a room and you like watched like a safety tutorial and everything and right being an asshole i like kept making fun of the video and was getting good laughs in the room and i was like boy this feels nice i need to get back out there validation yeah i was like oh god i haven't made

someone laugh in a long time we like doesn't have sex with me so this is not obligated to laugh at me yeah yeah that's yeah i i feel you there i mean i'm just like i caught myself talking to like a lacroix can the other day just to see if my i mean i'm just like i caught myself talking to like a la croix can the other day just to see if my material was working i was like i gotta get the fuck out of the house and i'm in atlanta so all my friends have kids so they're like losing their shit and i they're like come over i'm like i'm good you know what i mean like i've already been locked up with my mom i'm good yeah with you and your three kids i love you but we're good we were just talking about that on our last episode. A college football player, Trevor Lawrence,

just got engaged as a sophomore in college. And we were talking about how we're upset about it. I mean, it's, it's crazy. It's a crazy move. If you're a normal person getting married that early, if you're a football player, a future millionaire, it's extra crazy. But we were saying how like down South and in these southern colleges, that's just like the norm. And I just I'll never understand it.

I think it's the craziest thing in the world. What you southerners do. You're nuts. Well, it's funny. I mean, I'm marrying a New Yorker. We've been together 10 years. We met when we were kids. But I said, like, we invested in each other like a startup.

I was like, he had no money. I had no money. And now we're like, we're getting there. So I'm like, invested in each other like a startup I was like he had no money I had no money and now we're like we're getting there so I'm like this is an investment we were supposed to get married this year in Italy and clearly that's off the table so I'm like what's another year like we've been together 10 what's in 11 years like at this point I'm on his life insurance he's on mine we're good yeah it's really just a formality at that point but what so what's like what stopped you I would imagine you had like a lot of friends who kind of got married early had kids early like why why were you like no that's not for me

well i mean it's a little bit of a stereotype to say that everybody gets married young down here um and and then also like i remember having what we called candle lights in my sorority at old miss where i literally passed around a candle and then whoever got engaged would blow it out and we one time had had a sophomore too. I was like, bitch, you were like 19 years old. Why are you here? This is insane. I dated this guy. I didn't get married young because I knew

I wanted to do comedy. I dated this guy from the coast of Mississippi and I'll never forget. He's like, hi baby, this relationship ain't going to work out because you're going to live in Big Apple and I've no desire already even go there on vacation hey i mean dude knows what he wants somebody doesn't want yeah like he's chilling in biloxi at the casinos like living his best life um yeah i just knew i i had too much shit to accomplish

you know and hell my mom had me at 40 and i only turned out like half cooked. So I got time to have kids and do all that shit. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Uh, all right. Well, listen, I, uh, I thank you for starting the free Brittany movement. I, uh, I will carry that torch along with you wherever we go. We got to get this girl out. Uh, so thanks for that. We appreciate the time. And, uh, anytime you want to come back on, let us know and tell jeff we said thank you oh my god he is gonna literally jizz his pants right now um you guys this is great yeah we just kind of we gotta figure out what we're doing you know we gotta figure out how to save her but in the meantime i'm just gonna be waiting at a you know chipotle or cheesecake factory just waiting on my girl wait for the word like put out the fucking britney signal and we'll like storm her mansion whenever

you whenever you say go i'm waiting for the fucking green light from you. People really DM me. I'll tell you what, anyone who can inspire Kevin like this is impressive. I don't give a shit about anything. I'm not going to get above the couch for it. Kevin's now going to lay siege to homes. A lot of people DM me

and they said like when I put out that video, they were like you got to talk to Heather McMahon. She's like, she's the one. She's the leader. And I DM'd her and I they were like, you got to talk to Heather McMahon. She's like, she's the one. She's the leader. And I DM'd her and I was like, I hear you're the person to talk to. I was like, I got you. Let's go. Part of the army. Listen, I'll call you if I see a bad signal.

I will literally call you. We'll get in the chopper. We'll head to L.A. And we'll just, like, figure it out. And then we'll bring our girl home to Louisiana. Like, I'm here for it. God is good. We're going to make it happen. Let's go.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Heather. Bye, guys. God is good. We're going to make it happen. Let's go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Heather. Bye guys. Thanks. Bye. I've got some issues that nobody can see. And all of these emotions are pouring out of me. I bring them to the life of you.

It's only right. This is the soundtrack to my life The soundtrack to my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life

To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life To my life Uh-huh.