KFC Radio - Bert Kreischer Finally Shows Us His Long Balls (And We Show Him Ours)

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Subscribe, Rate, Share, and Leave a Review! Subscribe to our youtube: barstool.link/KFCRADIO - Did Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend f*** Leonardo DiCaprio? - And is it actually best case scenario that your gf f*** Leonardo DiCaprio? - The guys attended UFC 268 and recap their experience including - awkward interactions with Bert and with ice cream boy - Candace Owens was looking GOOD - Week 9 NFL breakdown - Jacqed Up (Jacqued Up?) - Top 5 Most Honest People - Video Voicemails - Things you can’t shake from childhood - Using brothers towel AITA - Always sunny inspired designated days - 2:01:00 - Bert Kreischer - Finally the long-ball competition takes place (Bert, KFC, and Feits, all look at each others’ balls) - Water bottle competition - Using Tom Segura’s success as inspiration - Stand up comedy vs podcasting - And much much more Let us know what you think on Twitter: @KFCRadio @KFCBarstool @Feitsbarstool @JNics415 @nickhammy5 @macczack21 @mikeypavssYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. What's up? Thanks for watching. If you want to come see us live, there are tickets available for us at the New York City Comedy Festival this Friday, November 12th, 6.30 p.m. at the Gramercy Theater. Buy your tickets now. We'll see you there. I have heartburn. Bert, I really want to see you naked. Bert, I really want to see you naked.burn bert i really want to see you naked i really want to see you naked bert i really want to see you naked let's measure some more okay okay this is on the instagram on the twitter of the podcast and the youtube for three days now

i've been wearing a pinky ring i found in the bush trying to piss Kevin off. I knock on it every time he's around. When I drink, I make sure I drink with my left hand in front of him. He has not seen anything. He has not said anything yet. But I've watched his eyes lock on a few times. And I'm just waiting to see how long it takes for him to explode. No one say anything.

No one fucking be like, don't talk about it so much that I have to address it. Just leave it alone until he loses his fucking mind. Every podcast he doesn't say something, add something. Like another ring, a chain, just keep going. Good idea. It's another edition of KFC Radio on the Barstool Sports Network. Today, I would say, I think our entire career as the KFC Radio podcasters has built to this moment. Oh, yeah?

I think that what you're about to... Right in the middle of that and everything? I don't even know what that was. That was genuine. That was catching, like... You know the rules. No lowering the bar before a podcast. Them's the rules.

That was honestly just... I don't know if that was a lowering the bar, except for... John, that was lowering... Well, yes, you could do that at any given time. You just said you drank a gallon of milk Yeah, I drink a half John had a half a gallon of milk and like a 10,000 unit skull unit Carolina Reaper chip. Yeah, and all it was Reaper and something else. It was good. It was fine Oh, what's it was so it was nitro bear was way worse. Not sure is way worse Not your bear fucked up my intros for a long time.

Nitro Bear fucked up my week of life. Yeah. I lower in the bar. Every now and then, Vibs does, you know, it's like, oh, it's like, touch this funny feeling thing. And like, eat like this Thanksgiving dish because it's Thanksgiving. And then he's like, sometimes like, eat this hot thing that will burn your tongue off. I legit said no to this one. I was like, this is don't do this anymore it hurts it hurts me i don't like it be like it would be like if lowering the bar is like hey man today like put your hammer and put

your hand on the on the bar i'm gonna hit it with a hammer it's like i'm just not doing it it's painful so i watched and then i turn around john's sitting there i said i can't do this i gotta go to the podcast soon it's gonna hurt too much i I turn around, John's sitting down there. Great. Great. You know the rules. It did make me a sneaky little realization where after I ate it, I was going around and for some reason, I was just doing laps around the building and for some reason, like,

three or four or seven people tried to talk to me and I would start the conversation and I would just go, can't talk, eat a hot chip and walked away. Can't talk, eat a hot chip, and walked away. Can't talk, eat a hot chip. I'm used to that all the time now. People probably just think, oh, okay. People are like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Go ahead. My new thing is can't talk, eat a hot chip. You could do, like, whatever you want here when you think about it. Like, you know what I used to do at Deloitte? I would just say, like, how did I phrase it not tragedy I would say I would say like family issues

I just got some like family stuff to take care of and they all would be like okay whatever you need it was like it was early

but it was still like we can't like as an employer I don't want to fuck with this guy who knows what's going on but at Barstool you can almost be like I can't talk right now the thing happened on that show and people would be like whatever I don't know that could mean this guy. Who knows what's going on? But at Barstool, you can almost be like, I can't talk right now.

The thing happened on that show. And people are like, whatever. I don't know. That could mean anything, man. That could mean, you know, you're getting fucked by something on Lower in the Bar. Anyway, you burping fucking weirdo. I think all of this has built to this moment. I think what you're about to watch and or listen to is podcasting perfection that we have built over the years,

getting better at podcasting that we have built, uh, uh, growing our, uh, like stature to get big, big, uh,

guests, big names. What we've done over the past few years to become what I think is like the most prominent We have the most prominent podcast for comedians not run by a comedian. Correct. Any of the big comics can just call up their friends and get whoever

on the show. We know that. Joe Rogan and all these guys can just be like, yeah, I want Dave Chappelle. I want Chris Rock. Yeah, the best of the best. Aside from that, as just regular podcasters, we have the best podcast on the planet if you want to get comedian content. Yeah, we're the gym teachers of stand-up podcasts. Yes.

Yeah. If you can't do, teach. If you can't teach, teach gym. Right, right. What's up? Yes. That's exactly it. It's like we would be like spitting chiclets.

Imagine if we were spitting chiclets but we never played hockey. That's what it's like. We get all these guests the way that they get all these hockey guys, but it's like because they played in the league. These guys come to us. I don't know why. So all of that to say that we got Bert Kreischer on the show today. And I think what unfolded truly in my mind is podcast perfection.

I think it's like – not perfection. You can never get 100. There's nowhere to go from there. But for this type of podcast, for this style of podcasting, I think it was all of our best performances ever. I've rarely felt as good walking out. It's long. It's like two hours.

Bert said that was the funniest thing I've ever recorded anywhere. I think he's that. I think he's, you know, the way I say that too. He's the greatest, the worst, the best of all time. I'm always talking hyperbole. I think he says that a lot, too. So you can't quite rely on it. But it seemed pretty genuine.

And the fact that we, if you've been listening, we've got the long ball saga. And let's just say. I mean, we all take our pants off. Yeah, there's a long ball competition. We have to kick Jackie out of the room because we all get naked. So that's where this goes. Just get ready for that. You know what's kind of crazy? And Kevin, if I may say,

Kevin's lied to all the listeners. Just want to get ahead of that real quick. Kevin has lied to all the listeners and quite a bit. Don't you say anything about my balls. Leave my balls alone. No, your balls are fine. You've got a good set of balls. Kevin doesn't have a hairy ass. Kevin has said he has a hairy ass. Look at Zach. Zach's like... I of balls. Kevin doesn't have a hairy ass. Kevin has said he has a hairy ass.

Look at Zach. Zach's like, mm-mm. I don't think I said I have a hairy ass. I'm a hairy person, but I don't think my ass is hairy. I feel like you said a hair. I was taken aback by how little hair is on that ass. Did you think that I had hair on my butt cheek? Yeah.

Yeah, no. Yeah, you got a bare ass I was I was wearing a white hoodie and my ass looks just like a little bit of a whiter shade of white I don't think I might have missed I don't think I I spoke I don't know I've never had hair on like my ass cheeks like what do you think I'm Italian or something come on I. I have, I am like Harry up here. I'm not out of control. Like, I think there's a quote.

I mean, you wouldn't have said it. I don't think you've even lied, but like, I was definitely always picturing you like a fucking hairy ass boy. No, no, it's not that bad.

Um, but for anybody out there who was under that impression, a watch on YouTube and you'll see that I have a bare ass. And B, um, if you're not watching and you can't stand that, just know. Yeah. you'll see that i have a bare ass and b um if you're not watching and you can't stand that just know yeah i'm going on record my actual like ass my cheeks are not hairy um how about this though a couple things someone just fucking said without saying they got a hairy hole that's what i mean you gotta clean up like everything else you know what I mean like in between is like

my actual my actual my ass cheeks are I have I wanna say too since we're saying this I'm embarrassed

I was having a bad nut day I don't think my nuts gave a performance that I gotta be honest I felt bad yeah I

I felt I was I walked out I mean it was like my nuts didn't come to play I felt bad. Yeah, I did too. I walked out, I immediately was like, my nuts didn't come to play. I felt bad. By the way, I don't think that. You felt bad about my nuts? I felt bad about how you felt about your nuts. I felt bad about how you felt bad about your nuts. I walked out embarrassing, like, Bert didn't even fucking see my good balls.

Ha! That's, that's already... I... So we do a ball off. even fucking see my good ball. This is ridiculous. So we do a ball off. We have a long ball contest. I thought that they call that in golf. They call it a long distance challenge or whatever. I thought there was a chance they called it the long

ball contest. And I was like, this is going to be perfect. We already have a logo made. Like the long ball contest. We have a long ball contest. And you a long ball contest. And you were saying, like, you were, like, fluffing them, basically. And you said you wore the right underwear and everything. I don't know if I wore the right. I just wore what I thought.

I should have Googled it first. And I don't know. I think they just weren't in the mix that day. I could tell. I knew I didn't have it. Okay. And you were saying. But I thought you were saying you were having a good day.

No, I wanted to have a good day. Yeah, I was trying to speak into existence. This is how you know I'm not like a cutthroat competitor. I was like, I really hope he has a great, like I want him to win this because I know how much he makes. Bro, I fucking reached back and I touched him. I went, oh no. Yeah. That's why I dropped it low right away.

I was like, I was doing things like, I was like, I know they're not there. I was trying to make them fucking. That's like as a pitcher when you don't have it. You're like, I got to try to pick the corners. I got to throw my change up. You got to do like a, like the Quato. Quato wind up where you're like fucking around, you know, dancing, doing a quick pitch. I wanted you to have a long ball day but isn't it comforting to know

as a ball competitor it's not your fault you can't control your balls you didn't have them that day and the second Burt ripped them out I was like I thought maybe that was his daily life

I thought maybe that picture was on a long ball day that's his day he was gold on the podium by a wide margin I also think I got a little bit of a benefit going first out of the two of us

I think had you gone first it was just like well now Bert's got other guys pulling their sacks out so it was funny but yeah it was one of those things. The screenshot of you looking at the camera. It's like a deer in the headlights. I still look like a dog taking a shit.

The shame on both our faces is palpable. I can't believe I'm doggy. So we went like zero to 100. And actually, I meant to listen to this ahead of time. I did not. Does anybody know if today Bert mentions that they did a podcast on two bears with butt plugs in? And he tweeted out, is today butt plug day? Like eye emojis.

I think it probably is. Otherwise, that's just an annoying tease. I usually listen to two bears on the way in, I just didn't today we were saying even for us we do a lot of crazy shit, we say a lot of crazy shit if John and I came to you live on KFC Radio

it's another edition of KFC Radio, we've got butt plugs in today I think even the chicken heads would be like. It's a bridge too far. It's a bridge too far. It's a bridge too far. Like, you just. You're ruined.

You're ruined. You took it too far. Yeah. I think the chicken heads would legitimately be like, you know, right now as you talk to us, you're sitting on a plug up your ass. But the two bears, guys, you know, they are crazy. They. What?

I don't know. I've once listened to a personal radio where chaps put on a condom, and that's one of the funniest. But, like, I mean, Tom and Bert, you know, they've tied each other's cocks together. They've done dominatrix together. They've done a lot of that physical stuff. For us, we haven't really done that.

And so Bert came in here just being, like, the electric fucking tidal wave of entertainment that he is. And next thing you know, he's got us taking our sacks out. And there was not even like a moment's hesitation for me. It was like not only because, A, it's funny. B, I kind of wanted to do it. C, it's like if Burt Kreischer comes on your show and says like take off your – take your dick out. Like you're doing it.

You know what I mean? Imagine if I was like – I don't know. Get the fuck out of here. So between the... I'd have a new podcast host. Yeah, yeah, you can't do that. You gotta move on. They're taking your dicks out for fucking people who want to see your dicks.

What are we doing? That's a career ender. So to, yeah, I'd be the only guy who has to, like, leave entertainment because I didn't take my dick out. Imagine that. I'd just go, like, I just go have a woke podcast and the Justice Warriors love me because my tagline,

the guy who didn't take his dick out. I just think between the physical comedy, the laughs, it wasn't even a podcast. You're just going to watch three dudes just bro out and be ridiculous. I have a question though. Why didn't we make You're just going to watch like three dudes just like bro out and be ridiculous. I have a question, though. Okay.

Why didn't we make Zach leave the room? What? You know? Like, Zach was probably, you know what I mean? Jackie can't be in the room. There's probably some situations where Zach shouldn't be in the room either. I mean, to be fair, Bert said to me, can you measure these? Because I have a feeling you have the most experience with this.

He did say that. He didn't have much of a choice. That was funny. Not to, I don't want to like rain on the parade, like we were considering with a ruler measuring sacks, we ended up just kind of eyeballing it and having some fun with it. But the rulers were out.

And I also probably would have stopped like, if he were so inclined And I also probably would have stopped. If he were so inclined, I can't imagine you would be. If Zach had his face up in my grundle with a ruler, I think I would have been like, that's enough. That would have been a bridge too far. I can pull him out for fun. We're not measuring her fun.

I also am so grateful this happened when it did because a couple more years and I my kids are going to be too old for this shit. So let's do as much fucking sack related content as we can for the next couple years. And I just want to say this, no spoilers, taking out all our balls was the second gayest thing that happened on this podcast.

So. Bert Kreischer on KFC Radio is it's always been some of the greatest content. But I do really believe, out of all the exaggeration ever, though, this, I think, was our best conversation we've ever had. So today's podcast, we've got more to get into. We've got to get into Jacked Up, of course. We've got to do our top fives. We also – I was going to say –

Me and John with UFC this weekend. Okay. I've got something about Bert at UFC. So today's episode is brought to you by Amazon Music. You're already listening to the podcast right now. So you know you're into listening to podcasts. You listen to music. You like audio entertainment.

And so Amazon Music is available with a ton of binge-worthy podcasts and audio content along with ours. We're on Amazon Music as well. So they have the SmartLess podcast that I think Tom Hanks just went on SmartLess. He also went on Simmons, which is crazy. But I think he was on SmartLess as well. They have a true crime podcast, Dr. Death Miracle Man, that's available. Are we reading an app for other podcasts right now? Yeah.

Well, true crime Podcast, you know. Smart West is comedy. What the fuck? Who the fuck sold ads for other podcasts? What are we doing here? Let me tell you something. Amazon Music is not just

for podcasts. They also have thousands of music stations. Sure. Go now. Don't listen to anything except KFC Radio. Amazon Music is not just for podcasts. They also have thousands of music stations. Sure. Go now. Don't listen to anything except KFC Radio. Also available on Amazon Music. There you go.

Yeah. All right. Sure. 75 million songs. Don't listen to any of those. Thousands of podcasts. Don't listen to any of those either. Just listen to KFC Radio. KFC Radio on Amazon Music.

It's Amazon Music Unlimited. You can listen to any song. Nope. Anywhere. Nope. You can listen anywhere as long as it's KFC Radio. Offline. You can have any beer you want as long as it's Corona. You can listen to anything you want on Amazon Music

as long as it's KFC Radio. You can listen offline with unlimited skips. You can skip through all the episodes of KFC Radio to get to the episode of KFC Radio that you want to watch. Thousands of music stations to just ignore. 75 million songs to not listen to. Dozens and hundreds and maybe thousands of podcasts that are not as good as KFC Radio,

so you should only listen to KFC radio. If you've never tried Amazon music unlimited now is a great time because for new customers, they are doing a unlimited free for three months. No credit card even required. I hate when it's free, but you got to put in the credit card. Cause it's like,

a, I know what you're going to fucking do. And B that adds like this. I thought free was going to be good. Cause I'd have to do the sign up and get my card out. Oh yeah. If there was a way for you to just take money out of me I'd do that I just don't feel like typing anything else

it's the logistics that bother me are you ironically or unironically wearing a pinky ring let's go I mean I noticed it I noticed it at the top of the show and I was just waiting, and then I saw it.

It also doesn't seem, it looks like your pinky's struggling a little bit there. I'm like, so just what's happening? Is that why I had to leave the room early? But I also, I was wearing this Saturday night, and I was drinking in your face on purpose. Really? Yeah. You wore that all night? Yeah.

Oh, I was green as shit. I found it at a bar right before I met you Saturday night. I've been wearing this thing for three days trying to get you to say something. I left the room. I get in there. I was like, I've been wearing this for three days. My finger's so fucking green. Yeah.

I was like, I've seen Kevin see it. I want My finger's so fucking green. I've seen Kevin see it. I want to see how long it takes for him to fucking blow up. I really don't think I saw it at the bar. Because I think at the bar, I was like, what the fuck's going on here? But I don't know. You're also, you know, sometimes you're out there with your fashion choices. So I was just like,

I don't know. He's rocking a pinky. But this is so ridiculous. Clearly, he did not go to GageDiamonds.com slash KFC and use promo code KFC. If you're not watching, go over to YouTube. If you're listening, it's a fake pearl, white opal or some shit with three bands. Oh, my God. It's so green. It's so green.

Yeah. I've been washing my hands like four times a day trying to get this thing on. That's real, huh? Yeah. Do you know when I think so? No, it's when it's fake, though. Yeah, right, right. I meant it's real when you turn green.

So also, if you, it was the greenness, but you can kind of see, like right there, you see that? I thought it was bruise. And I was like, this guy's fat pinky is just jammed into a tiny pinky ring that's not working. Bro, if you had noticed that night, I had a story I was going to tell. I was like, because this, like now that we've gotten this far, there are cameras that can be caught in lies. Yeah. But if you notice that night, I was going to tell you that I've been wearing it for

four months. I was going to be so, I was going to be like, what are you talking about? I've been wearing it for four months. I got it when I went home. It is, it got, it's at the Lizzie Borden Museum, and it is a, it is part of the skull. You went deep on this one. It's like part of the skull of her father. It's a Fall River heirloom. I had a whole thing.

You made all this up? If you were going to, yeah, if you were going to, if you noticed Saturday night, that's what I was going to spin. Wow. But now, if I tell you, like, they're going to be like, all right, well, pull up last episode. I would have been caught pretty quick. That's fucking hilarious.

Anyway, time for this thing to be done. Amazon Music. By the way, wish you'd fucking realized that on the rundown, so I didn't have to fucking have everyone see it there. Now I wish I didn't notice it at all. I wish we could have just kept this going forever. We had decided I was going to add something every episode you didn't notice.

Until... It's a whole disclaimer I did before the episode going to add something every episode you didn't notice. It's a whole disclaimer I did before the episode. I was like, no one tweeted, Kevin. No one said anything. I have a funny story about what I thought was going on that I will tell you during Top 5s. Amazon Music Unlimited, right now, free, three months, no credit card required. You can save all that money so you can get some jewelry that doesn't turn your fingers green.

And that's Amazon.com slash KFC. Amazon.com slash KFC. Renews automatically, but you can cancel anytime. Terms apply. Unlimited for free for three months. That's Amazon.com slash KFC. Shout out to Bezos, who I think Leo fucked his girl over the weekend. And I think he'd be okay with that.

If Leo fucked your girl, can I tell you why I'd be okay with it? I would be okay with it. Let me tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. The best thing that can happen to you is that Leonardo DiCaprio fucks your girlfriend. I am going to completely change your opinion. Because he's not going to fuck her well,

and she's going to be like, well, he fucks better than Leo. And, so, we all know that he fucks you from behind, he fucks the girl from behind, and he wears your, and he wears his headphones. That is terrible sex for girls who want to be loved and whined and, not whined and dined,

but foreplay. What if, oh, Leo, you dirty dog. I found you out, Leo. I just clicked. I've just found you out. What?

He put that rumor out there. Yeah, yeah. So that when he does do it, the girl feels special. The girl's like, that shit just fucks me this way. Now, I, you dirty dog.

I think, I don't think he went as far as putting the rumor out, but I bet you he's cool with that rumor because then he just plays it up like, oh, I fingered her and she thought she was special. Let alone if he goes down on her and does different positions. But I would say, Leo fucks your girl. Doesn't do a good job.

You then can be better than him. And she's like, you then can be better than him. And she's like, wow, you fuck better than Leo. You feel better, because you're like, I fuck better than Leo DiCaprio, and I have proof about it. And I have a girlfriend who's hot enough that Leonardo DiCaprio

fucked her. Yeah. I mean, that's the last out of all the people on earth that I would want to fuck my girlfriend or like not fuck my girlfriend. I'm picking Leo first for all these reasons. It's a self-esteem boost. And you get to self-esteem boost

because you got a hot enough girlfriend. Self-esteem boost because you fuck better than Leonardo DiCaprio. And that's really it. There's those two things. There's those two things. Oh, and then... He seems like a nice boy.

So, maybe. I'm telling you. Would you rather that than... I'm just thinking of like... Would you rather your girlfriend fuck Leonardo DiCaprio or Hank? Well. Shout out to Hank hitting a $50 parlay for $6,875. Go to the Barstool Sportsbook and follow Hank.

I'd be probably Hank. Really? I like Hank. I don't think I want Hank. I mean, I love Hank, but I don't think there's any. What if Hank fucks better than you? You know you're going to give a better performance than Leo if he does that thing. Hi, I'm John Fodderberg. Nice to meet you out that hank fucks better than you you know you're gonna give a better performance than leo if he does that thing hi i'm john faderberg uh nice to meet you i assume everybody it would be interesting to have a a fuck off because it would be like like

if we fuck the same girl and she came on the show and it was like it's like it's like we we showed our balls who has the long balls who fuckss worse? Oh, boy. What a fucking... That would be one of those, like, we sit together beforehand. It's like, do we really want to do this? Yeah, that would be like... Like, we'd have a moment together first. We talk about it with Burt. We talk about it with Burt.

Where he's like... With Tom's like, I can't change the friendship. Right. I'd be like, I don't know, man. We'd have to have a moment and be like, whatever happens here, we stay friends. Yeah. We keep doing our show. And it would be like, we would put a split screen. And it would be like we would put a split screen and it would be like and i would stand up and be like he deserved it yeah

and you know you give a gracious acceptance speech like there's a lot of stiff competition or not stiff competition out there bro that would be that would be one of those days where i'm just doing things i know you can't do where I'm like, I got her picked up. All right, I know Kevin can't do this one. I'd pick a girl. That would be funny. I'd pick like a bigger girl. I'm like, all right, I'm going to pick her up.

She's never even been picked up before. Kevin can't do it. So fine. Well, wait. Hang on. So wait, you're saying you would want to fuck better. I was thinking about the whole time. I would want to be the truthful one. You're the worst fuck?

Well, I think from a podcast point of view, I'd be like, I fucking told you. I told you I stink at this. Okay. See, that's how low self-esteem I have. I was trying to win the contest by fucking the worst. I'm going for the low. Yeah. But without throwing the game.

I would give my best effort. I would shoeless Joe it. I would want to lose, but I want to be like, I did give it my all. I'd be like, I told you I'm truthful on this podcast. I'd be faking phone calls all the time in the last line. Like in the movies, like, I got to take it, honey. No phone calls you have to take. This is the office.

Never. Yeah. The amount of people who take work calls in the middle of sex in Hollywood. I've decided I want one movie or TV show to make a show, to make a piece of content that does honest, real conversations. You know, that's kind of like a trope where it's like nobody hangs up. Nobody ever likes, or you hang up too quickly in the movies and shit like that. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's more to it than that. All of the exchanges on telephones are just so fucking fake. But I wonder if you did a real... Maybe they've tried this before and they're like, it's so boring. It takes too long to get off the phone.

I just did it for a full block with my mom. I can't really hear you. Right, nobody wants that. I'll catch you later. But if you're trying to really make a real movie, like, that's what you should do. Anyway, speaking of awkward

interactions, where are we? I felt impossibly awkward at UFC. Oh my god. Wait, wait, I know what you're

going to say. We can't just dive right into that. Okay. We gotta like, set the scene a little bit. Alright, before we get into UFC,

we have a show of our own coming up Friday night at the Gramercy Theater for the New York City Comedy Festival. It's KFC Radio Live on stage with all of our, basically, celebrity listeners. Yeah, voicemail listeners at this point. We've got the Milk Girls who are going to come through. Milk will be drank. I just drank a half gallon in like five minutes.

I'm going to drink with these girls. I'm going to put them back on the plate. I need a poster promoting KFC Radio Live that says there will be milk. And I need it to be just like the movie poster. There will be milk with them. We've got Hot Skyler who flew in courtesy of John. We've got a lot of first timers who are coming.

We had a lot of people who are bringing people who have never seen the show, which is always a fun time. We are almost sold out, so tickets will be sold out. I would guess it's going to sell out very soon. It's going to sell out. It's going to sell very soon. I will get tickets now. It'll be before the night, you know, before Friday night, so get them now.

If you're interested in going, don't wait. So go to Live Nation or any of the KC Radio social, and you'll find the link to buy tickets and come see us live on stage. It is going to be awesome. I cannot wait for this show. We have stuff that, like, we have jokes that don't make it through the episode sometimes. They're going to be fucking awesome. We have shit.

We have a segment called Shit Our Lawyers Won't Let Us Put on the Podcast. It's going to be a big segment. No one's allowed to record. We're going to take your films, but don't get us in trouble, please. I'm almost like record and post it. We got to sell tickets, bro. We got to blow this shit up.

You are free to record and post whatever you want. Kevin has a whole segment called The N Word. It gets out of hand. That's a true sign that is a true sign by the way of if you made it or not you don't take phones away when you haven't made it yet oh because you're like i need i need like i want you to post this on your instagram the only time you you know you've made it when you say yeah i don't care people have their phone i don't care people don't feel it but put your phones away that's when you say, yeah, I don't care if people have their phones. I don't care if people don't fill it. Put your phones away. That's when you know you're fucking rich. We went to UFC this weekend.

UFC 268 at Madison Square Garden. UFC does once a year in New York City. Uncle Dana hooks it up. Uncle Dana White gives us some of his personal tickets, which are almost as good as they can get. We're right in the middle of the octagon.

It was one of those things like I gave my ticket to the Usher, and he's like, oh, you go down there. And I give it to the next Usher, and he's like, you're going to go to that gentleman over there. And then he sent us to another one. We just kept getting better. Then we saw T-Bone. Shout out to T-Bone, our security guy.

He knows Stu. He's hung out at Stu's house. Stu, best host ever. T-Bone. T-Bone ended up getting us to our seat. Stu Feiner, you know, he's just got little birdies everywhere. He's like, oh, I'm Stu's cousin. I'm Stu's this.

I'm Stu's guy. And, you know, we're walking through and we're getting a lot of shouts from people like, hey, KFC, hey, Feinberg, hey, Barstool. And we're walking past all those guys, you know. And so we sit down. I got to be honest. That night was the first time I've ever felt like a somebody. Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, within reason. I know we obviously have a little bit of a star here at Barstool and shit. So I know that. But we were there. And the stars were out. It wasn't major. But the stars were out.

Pretty major. Pretty major. I mean, Dave and John was like two rows in front of us. Yeah. I was just thinking about, there was that one UFC. Keyshawn Johnson was right to the right of us. J.J. Williams was there. Stars were out. Pretty major. Pretty major. I mean, Dave and John was like two rows in front of us. Yeah. I was just thinking about, there was that one UFC. Keyshawn Johnson was right to the right of us. J.J. Williams was there. Meek Mill.

But remember that one that was like Chappelle and Bieber and like, I mean, there was one, maybe it was a McGregor night, maybe that's why. But anyway, I, you know, we had like the best seats out of all of them and people were shouting our names and I was kind of like, and I'm thinking that we got the tickets from Dana in person. And I was kind of like, shit, this is something. This is something. So that's your first one, like your Comedy Central show five years ago didn't do it? No.

Really? Because. Sitting next to Keyshawn Johnson would put you in the edge. I don't know why. Because that was like the company. I don't know why. Because that was like the company. I don't know. It was just like UFC is coming to New York at the Garden. Everybody wants to go.

I got tickets. You know what I mean? It's just like, okay, I can do that. Because you do that more often. And it was the first time I've ever gone to UFC. The whole night's electric. And so there was a lot of stoolies and a lot of interactions um but this was i'm gonna go i'm gonna not even this is not even going out on a limb out of all the interactions we've had with barstool

people because stoolies are great but they don't know how to interact because and it's not really their fault because we're like, everything I was just describing, we're well-known, but we're regular guys. We're not normal anymore, but we're still normal. They say things that are rude. Like that guy who came up to you and said, how do you deal with all the hate, man?

It's like, fuck, dude. You wouldn't say that to Leonardo DiCaprio. You wouldn't say some of these things. Employees here say that to you. How about the one guy, he was like like so fights dressed like mr smee from uh from from peter pan you had on your yeah your big um you had your big corduroy pants on yeah the fights corduroy pants are the uh pant equivalent of lenny kravitz's scarf there's just so much material and he had on the flannel and then

the red fucking little pirate hat. And some guy said something like he's like, how are you a millionaire but you dress homeless? And Feist goes, I am neither of those two things, sir. This is a stylish outfit and I'm also not a fucking millionaire. So there's always some awkwardness. People don't know how to take the pictures. They don't know

what to say. They think that they can just have a long conversation when they really can't. Combined all of those awkward interactions and you're halfway to as awkward as this guy was when he said to you. That's how bad this was. Wait. What are you going to tell? I was going to say Bert. Oh.

Oh! I was going to talk about ice cream. I forgot about that. What were you going to say? What were you going to say about Burt? I was going to say how, remember when I was like, I'm having an always sunny moment. Oh, okay.

So, all right, let's tell that and then we'll tell the fucking. So Burt actually had the coolest night of maybe anybody because he was performing. The reason why he was here in New York, he's performing at the theater at the Garden and that finishes at like 10 o'clock.

That's when the main card starts. So while everyone else is like there for the pre pre fights, whatever it's called, Burt just like pops up. He was like, yeah, I'll just like finish my show. Joe, Joe will be like calling the fight. So I'll just like pop up. I'll say what's up to Joe. Say what's up to me. I'll hit my seats.

We'll hang out. And it's like the same way you'd be like, all right, I'm going to get out of work and go hit the bar. He did that at Madison Square Garden for UFC 268. And he was talking about being with the biggest fucking podcaster comedian on the planet. Yeah. So. But they came in. He came in.

Rosebud was with him. He actually, I think on the episode, he gets tickets. I think we're recording. You'll hear him talking about tickets. I got tickets tonight. The. He comes in at like 10 o'clock, and there's a commotion. There's a pop.

He got a pop. And he was sitting like near us, so all of a sudden I heard the crowd kind of roar a little bit. I look up, and people are standing up, and it's because fucking Bert Kreischer arrives. So we turned around, and I don't know if we could technically go. I'm sure we could go into his area. But I was like, I looked over to Kevin afterwards, where I was like,

I was having the Charlie Mack moment from Sonny, where it was like, do looked over to Kevin afterwards where I was like, I was having the Charlie Mack moment from Sonny where it was like, do we go say hi to him because he's a big star or does he come say hi to us because we have the better seats? Yeah. And I was like, I can't figure out which one. He would have had to get up, go like around up the stairs to the next section and then go down to his section and like up the stairs. He would have had to come all that same way, but it would have been like get up, go like around, up the stairs to the next section, and then go down to his section and like up the stairs. He would have had to come all that same way, but it would have been like, yo, you want to come like see our seats?

You want to come in? Like, we have better seats, bro. The inner model, I turned around and just blew him a kiss is what I ended up doing. Did he see that? He blew him back. Did he? Okay. Thank God.

Because let me tell you something. When you offer something weird to Burt Kreischer and it goes unrequited, it ruins your week. No, we both love it. It was great that we did make eye contact. Because he comes in, big smile, drinking a beer, saying hi to all the fans. Like a big moment. And then he kind of sat and saw us. And it was like, hey.

And he was like, hey. That's when I felt like I was somebody. It was cool. It was cool. I didn't know you guys were blowing kisses. Fuck. I should have been like, hey,

yeah. You want to see him again? I'll take him out again, Bert. Who's got the biggest balls in the stadium? That was a, that was, that was a

zero on the awkward scale. Yeah scale compared to this fan interaction. So I wanted to take a piss, and this kid. There were several people, too. There was the riffraff guy. Riffraff guy. Riffraff guy. There was, um, riffraff guy was, he looked like riffraff, and he's like, hey, Boston, you got the best minutes on the internet.

And I was like, okay, cool. There's a couple, like, strange things. A bunch of drunk people who were like, yeah, it was that man. And it all built to this. Now this kid's a big KFC radio fan. So he listens to like eight hours a day. Which sucks.

I don't want to, but we got to bury this guy socially. Bro, man, that was weird, dude. It was weird. He like, he, it was weird enough that he caught himself being like this is weird that's what makes it so weird yeah he shouldn't have been doing it and he knows it so we talked for a while like we probably talked like i was gonna piss my pants talk to him for the whole time probably five minutes and uh and at the end he starts walking with me towards the bathroom and his gather your thoughts and deliver it the way you did it. I want you to nail it because it's so fucking awkward.

He's like, yeah, man. I forget. There's only one line that matters. He's like, yeah, man. You're the best. I fucking love you. One day I'd love to just, I don't know, eat some ice cream and jerk off. And what he had said was he'd like to eat ice cream and jerk off with me.

One day I'd like to just eat some ice cream and jerk off. And he kind of just like hit me. Jerk off. And he kind of hit me and like popped away. I was just like, I have to go touch my dick right now. You know, it's awful. It's like, I'll tell you what.

Two of my favorite things right now? Eating ice cream and jerking off. And guess what's gonna be happening? I'm gonna be thinking about this fucking guy. I know. I remember your name, bro. I'm not gonna say it. I care about you that much. Do you remember his face and everything? I remember his face. Like, you're gonna be eating ice cream and thinking of that guy. And later that night, you're gonna be cracking

sick and thinking of that guy. Not gonna that night, you're going to be cracking stick and thinking of that guy. Not going to say your name. I fucking know it. This guy's listening to it. I mean, I don't care how drunk you are. I don't care. This is what I mean when people, like, it's like, yeah, we say these crazy things. Because we're, like, on a mic.

We're getting paid. Not that it's fake or anything but it's like you got long balls today huh john's i don't know it's down there john's fucking uh but you know like that doesn't mean you say it to strangers we say to strangers but not in person like like you know what i mean like it's like we're on the podcast right now you can't say that you want to eat ice cream and jerk off with someone you say say that to pretty much nobody, unless you want to say that with your girlfriend or boyfriend. I don't know. That's a weird thing. You shouldn't say that to your friends. You shouldn't say that to your

favorite podcasters. You shouldn't say that to anybody. Pretty much ever. I want to eat ice cream and jerk off with you. I actually might... You know what? How about this? Okay. I want everybody... What? Are you going to have a text? We either do the text, or I was going to say, how about everybody changes your hinge thing?

Something on your hinge, like your bio. You know, any of those questions or whatever. Like, what's the ideal date for you or something like that? Wait, no. I want to eat ice cream and jerk off with you. How about I change it again? You turn your camera facing yourself. Okay.

And you say to your significant other, wife, whatever, that's the same thing, hey, babe, you know what I want to do tonight? I just want to, you guys can jerk off with you. Beautiful. And just record and have them,

you don't have to have a face on them, have their thing in the background. I think you can also now, because I saw a meme going around that said you can put, you can do audio, audio bits on your hinge now, right?

Because there was some guy singing like Celine Dion and the girl was like, don't ever do this again. But you can put like, you know, press play and I'm like, I just want to eat ice cream and jerk off with you. I think, I think it actually might work. I want to see reactions from people who are- Oh, so you're saying film it while you tell her so that you can hear what she hears, she says afterwards.

Correct. Got it. Got it. That's even better. Yeah. Yes. That's like, we used to do the text challenge, now it's the video voicemail version. We're upgrading.

Do that in 21. Film yourself while you tell her. I get it now. Right. And hear them go like, uh, what? Someone who's in love with you. See what they say. Okay.

I think that might be, like, I would say that, and then maybe propose. Like, if I was, like, deep in a relationship, be like, if she's like, or he is like, cool. That sounds fun. There you go, girl. Babe, you know what I want to do tonight? I want to eat ice cream and

jerk off with you. And the second, that reaction right there is everything you need to know. I'm excited. Please, everyone do this. I really want to see people do this. This is going to be our best experiment ever. So, you know this guy, actually? Shout out to him.

Thanks, Sammy. Thanks, Sammy. As far as UFC, the fights in the ring, amazing. We saw a flying knee to the face. Crazy. We saw a kick to the face that everyone has now seen the still picture. I said it turned that guy into a caveman. It made his face de-evolution on that one.

I watched all the fights. I knew what everyone looked like. I was like, who is that person? Right. He did not look like Frankie Edgar at all afterwards because he got kicked into like, he became like his child or some shit. His face.

We saw a lot of fights go the distance that were just like, holy shit. I can't believe these guys do this. Shout out to my guy, Billy Quarantillo. He put on a fucking fight, man. He was hobbling. He just leg demolished and he kept on fighting. They, I had a

true feeling of, like, inferiority last night, or that night, where I was just like, man, I can't even pick up a chick while I'm fucking her. Like, I was just like, these guys are so much cooler and tougher than I am, and I just got nothing. We got to watch Doug Rose fight, which is some bucket list shit.

Like, the women's fights are always kind of electric. I think it's so cool that women have the second biggest draw of the night. Usman and Covington were the main draw, but other than that, it was Thug Rose versus Zhang. Thug Rose is so gorgeous.

A rocket. I fucking love her. And I knew it. You could tell from her face anyway but she's got the shaved head but like when she has like long hair she looks like Jessica Biel and even like

she does look like Jessica Biel is strong too so it's like you look just like Jessica Biel also Thug Rose her voice is like girly which is funny

because you think she does everything she can to be a badass and it's like still gorgeous I take you very seriously as a fighter but you're gorgeous and so sweet and like when when she's like I'm the best yeah Joe Rog it's like and then she's all gorgeous I think you're seriously the fire but you're just so sweet and like when when she's like I'm the best Rose

yeah Joe Rogan's like so like you were the best like what do you think she's like I'm still the best you know the story no that her trainer is her husband right and he's that was funny I saw them like getting ready I don't know I think and then she just kissed him on the lips. With her fucking thing in. The big mouth guard. I was like, oh, that's good. But he's the one who got her to start saying that.

Oh, I'm the best? Yeah. Because she walks out. I'm the best. I'm the best. But what's funny is that she's going, I'm the best. I'm the best. It's like Mickey Mouse about to fuck you up.

But the, I saw fucking um, fucking, uh, Brandon from What Would Tyler Durden Do tweeted recently, after the day, like, he's like, if you're a guy in a relationship

and you're not stealing that move, like, just getting your girl to say, I'm like, just say it, baby, you're the best. You're the best. Like,

say it, baby. Say it, baby. When she's going to the fucking, you know, wherever she's going. She's going to the bridal shower that she doesn't want to be at where all these girls

are bitches and shit. You're the best, man. Hype yourself up. Yeah. Karen's a problem at work. Like, you're the best. You're the best. You should steal that and convince your,

just tell your girlfriend, you're the best. Say it with me. Say it. You are. I'm the best. That's the romantic ass shit. He did that to Thug Rose. She turned him into a fucking two-time champ now.

Also, like, what's weird about UFC isc is the split crowd like the crowd would just chant usman's name and then like two two like 20 seconds later they would chant covington's name because it's like there's fans of people but i think at the end they just want to oh i forgot about the guy behind us the guy behind us one one gun two gun with it was an absolute enigma and i guess in a sense it's it's an all-time, like, don't judge a book thing, but also, like, he was expressing his inner self, too. Well, let me just say this

before you even explain him individually. UFC crowds are one of the most interesting cross-sections of society you'll ever see. Because you've got, like, you've got, like, the MAGA, like, crazy people. You've got, like, the tap-out guys who are still, who just want to see the fight.

Then you have, like, the famous people. Then you have, like, sexy chicks who are just there to, like, be a part of the action. There's casuals. There's diehards. And it's just all in one spot. All races, all ages, all demographics of money and economics. So it's already weird to begin with.

And then we had these guys behind us. So they were getting shit-faced. They were drunk as shit. And then we had these guys behind us so they were getting shit-faced. They were drunk as shit. And the whole, so the guy behind his head on, the cover story,

the cover of the book, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. He was wearing a t-shirt that was that. Except instead of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish,

it said, One Gun, Two Gun, Red Gun, Blue Gun. And instead of, instead of the fish that you see on the cover of the book it was guns

I bet you can find this shirt the shirt was actually blue rather than yellow put the guns in say one gun two gun red gun blue gun I'm sure you can find it so he

he had that shirt on and all night he was and he had the gauges in his gauges in his he looked like

bizarro world chaps we heard this he looked like like chaps yeah here's the shirt he's wearing so he looked like bizizarro World Chaps. We heard this. He looked like Chaps. Yeah, here's the shirt he's wearing. So he looked like Bizarro World Chaps.

Yep, that's the one. And it was like his brim on his hat was like folded up. You know how you used to roll the brim of your hat? And he's wearing this shirt and he's either

participating in or attempting to start every Let's Go Brandon chant of which they were many. There's a lot of Let's Go Brandon. And then come the final fight where Colby Covington, Big Magga Guy.

Oh, by the way, this guy's also making every comment you think someone who I described would make during a fight of two women. Where it was like, during Rose, Jang, it was like, yeah, bend her over, get her doggy. Yeah, yeah, bend her over, get her doggy. Yeah, yeah. And then come the Covington fight, who, again, big MAGA guy, he's screaming, fuck you, Colby. Yeah. And I was like, what the hell? You're right. You're rude for the Nigerian?

He must have bet. He must have money on it. But even that, I can't believe he was betting against Covington. Why would you, Bobby? That's betting against Trump. That's betting against God. That's betting against, like, country against God That's betting against Country and man It was a

It was a twist ending That I haven't seen In many many years It was crazy I was like I whispered to Kevin I was like Is this

I did not expect this But I also think That's because The crowd just I feel like a minute later He could have been like Let's go Colby Because they just want

To see like the carnage And the fighting So Colby Coving was was fighting in like the main event and because of that uh he had a guest sitting ringside that stole stole the show stole my attention stole my heart like i said there was a lot of like insta-thoughts, a lot of like really thotty outfits, fat asses, beautiful chicks, sexy like, like you know,

you really can tell the difference between like that's a pretty girl, that's a sexy girl and that's like a girl who's showing off how sexy she is at an event

because she's fucking somebody or wants to be fucking somebody. You know what I mean? It's like those clothes aren't normal, that makeup's not normal, like nothing about you is just normal somebody. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like those clothes aren't normal. That makeup's not normal. Like nothing about you is just normal. Hot.

You are on like another level of, and that's not, it was a good thing by the way. Some of them I was like, no, like no, I'm not into it. You know?

Um, cause it's not, it was, it was a one girl who you thought was Bella Thorne. That girl looked exactly like Bella Thorne. She had, she, I mean,

exactly. She got a reaction out of me that it can only be experienced. Charlie Kelly. I actually told Kevin, where I was like, there's an episode of Sonny where Charlie's mom explains to him how Mac's dad and the other guy came on her. But she acknowledges the fact that there wasn't a guy, and Charlie just goes,

well, Jesus Christ, Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom, if you knew there was another guy, why didn't you just say that? Why didn't you just say that? And when this girl walked by, I just went in a Charlie Flustered voice. Oh, Jesus goddamn Christ. I'm trying to see. I Googled, like, Bella Thorne lookalike because, like, I couldn't believe it wasn't her. She was dressed like her, had the same body, had the exact same red hair.

Wasn't her. All of that, though. All of them paled in comparison to Miss Candace Owens. And I think people are surprised to hear me say that. Rudy was like, questioning if I like, you know, like, no, Candace

Swanepoel or whatever. No, Candace Owens was sitting like front, front, front row. Made eye contact for a moment. We exchanged a little. Did you? Yeah, we exchanged a little. Because I smiled we exchanged a little cause I smiled and I did that but I think I probably played it cool man

cause I couldn't I didn't really know who she was yeah you probably looked at her sexy like that's my sexy look

it was me who's that? I was like this is that you? yeah is that him? is that him? yeah is that him? is that him? who's that?

yeah I wanna fuck that girl but she was a weapon and I said I was like I think at first I was like who is that chick? I kinda know who she is and then I thought it was her

and I couldn't confirm it but. And then I thought it was her, and I couldn't confirm it, but I really started to think it was her when she took pictures with too many white men. Too many white men taking a picture with that beautiful black chick. They all had, like, you know, gun shirts on and fucking American flags.

It was funny how you put that together. A lot of old white guys are stopping. I think it's Candace Howell. The straw that brought the camels back, this guy brought his son to take a picture with her, who was probably like nine, right? Oh, very. The only child, I think, in our section, on the floor.

The only child I saw. Right. And he had on like a gun shirt, and they took a picture, and then he shook her hand. Kind of like, almost like you're meeting the president, you know what I mean? Which fucking, who knows where we're going? But, and I was just like, that dude made his

son like go shake that woman's hand because of like, you know, her politics. That's Candace Owens. And to put in perspective how hot she was, Fights was like, nah man, that's a model. That's like a model. I was like, ah. It was Timothy Olyphant on The Office.

I was like, nah, that's a male model. That's a male model. They can't just be a paper guy. And she was even, because she was doing model poses, too. Yeah. She was like, ah. Yeah, she knew. She took a picture with the fucking belt at one point and flexed.

And anyway, I was just like, I want to just go, I just want to go argue with her. I want her to just put me in a body bag in a debate. I wanted to go up to her and be like, hey, Candace, in order to get into MSG, you've got to be vaccinated. So what's going on over there? She probably would be like, well, actually, if you look at my shit, I said that I was vaccinated, but it's a personal choice that you don't have to do. Okay. All right.

You win. I just came. I just came. I just, but it's a personal choice that you don't have to do. Okay, all right, you win. I just came. I just came. I just came. But that is kind of funny, isn't it? It's kind of funny how all the people who are anti-vax worship people who are vaccinated. But, yeah, she was. You know what?

I'll tell you who the three hottest people, the three hottest women at UFC 268. Coming in third place. I don't even know if we talked about this. I don't even know if he was there. Halle Berry was there. She was in the ring at one point. I think she was promoting a new movie. She held the belt to be like,

this is what's up for grabs or whatever. I didn't know that at all. I'm pretty sure of that. Three, Halle Berry. The bronze medal is going to Halle Berry. That's crazy. Okay. The silver medal is going to Candace Owens.

And the hottest bitch at MSG last night was Rose Bud Baker. That little fucking, that little pit bull came out from doing her set with Burt. She was, you know, she was decked out. I heard Rose immediately went Thug Rose. Oh, well, so then, Rose Bud's still the hottest bitch in the place, but then I got to rearrange Thug Rose a little bit. But yeah, the stars, the chicks, they were out, man. But yeah, I would love to sit and watch UFC with Rosebud

and just have her be like, who the fuck are you? This fuck... Her commentary, put her in there with Joe Rogan. Put her in there and just let her fucking rip on all these people. I think it would be absolutely hilarious. Have you talked to Rose after it? No, I didn't. I just want to get her

run down on the whole thing. If you learned how to fucking read, you'd have a real job. You wouldn't have to be fighting in the fucking cage or whatever. She would rip. I mean, she was into it, though. She was filming and all that. Just not Rosebud-esque. But yeah, Candice. You sexy little thing. You sexy little min yeah, Candice, you sexy little thing.

Yeah, sexy little minx. Candice, come on the pod. Yeah, come on the pod. Candice, come on the pod. I want Candice to come on the pod, and I don't want to talk about a single issue with her. I just want to talk about how she talks about issues. Oh, I want to have debates with her about our shit,

like coming to our territory. yeah how many how many uh are there more murderers or porn stars in the world yeah give me the candace owens treatment on that yeah give me the candace owens treatment on the death now are you dumb shit yeah yes candace owens ati will break the fucking forget about like break the internet it will like break the country like the democratic process she She's like, well, you see the death snail, actually, it's much like,

you know, reparations are. And I'm like, jeez, we're going off the fucking deep end with some of that shit. So, free,

free, free. I thought that was a term I just didn't understand. Never mind, it's something I've debated hotly for five years. It's literally that snail

that can magically kill you. All right, let's do top fives. Top fives. No, jacked up. Jacked up. Jacked up. Week nine.

Jackie, not a lot of us watch football this weekend. Let me tell you something, Jacqueline. I intentionally watched zero snaps of football. The Jets weren't on. They played Thursday. But you do have to recap them a little bit.

I actually meant to. I should have. On Friday I was going to make you do it while it was fresh. But there's some things to talk about. This is the least football I've watched in probably the last 20 years. I don't think I've ever not seen a single play. I didn't watch a highlight. I didn't watch a highlight. I didn't watch Red Zone. I saw

nothing knowing that I have the best Tuesday afternoon internet football analyst ever to grace a podcast. So, Jacked Up Weekend is brought to you by Nectar Sunglasses. The only way

maybe Jackie should do Jacked Up wearing natural sunglasses. That's not really a request. Hold on. Well, you know what? I don't want to mess with greatness. If she needs to just see clearly, clear eyes, full heart.

She just jacked up. I was going to say. Well, you know what's funny? You say that, John. It's funny that she just completely alpha'd me and asserted her dominance over me. Because earlier today, if I get my sunglasses in a second. Earlier today, Jackie got bullied harder than I think anybody has ever been bullied. Some dude, some intern, I don't even understand exactly the situation out there. But, like, she was sitting somewhere with her computer.

Basically, I was using one of the situation out there, but she was sitting somewhere with her computer. Basically, I was using one of the computers out there. What does that mean? Don't you all use your own computers? No, you need server access. Those ones are more powerful. So there's special computers that have server access, and this guy comes over and was like, hey,

can I use that? I don't want to sit over there anymore. And she was just like, okay. Welcome to the team. And I said, I was like, if this bitch doesn't fit right in, I'll tell you what. I don't know if that's because that's already who you were or if we've already ruined you as much as possible,

but she didn't bat an eyelash about balls on the podcast and she just gave up her computer because someone asked her to. I mean, someone that you definitely have seniority over. Yes. He's an intern. You're an intern.

He's an intern, and you are a senior producer. And then I have to search for 30 minutes to try and find a computer, and he was literally like, I can use the one that he's using before. I just want to sit over here. And I was like, no, it's so fine. Just take that. It's so fine.

It's actually better this way. I'm happy this way. Yet then she comes in here, and she was like, no, it's so fine. Just take that. It's so fine. It's actually better this way. I'm happy this way. Yet then she comes in here and she's like, nope. Fuck you. Not doing that. So you are beneath the intern, according to John. Yes. Intern me.

Yes. The intern's scary. Then fucking me. Maybe when I put on my extra sunglasses. Then you'll respect me because I look cool as shit. It was that you look so much cooler than me in the glasses, and that's why. Well, that's fine. I'll keep it going.

If John fucking, if John Fat Feidelberg didn't sit on my eyeglasses, my spectacles, I could have rocked those. Now I got to be fucking PFT over here wearing sunglasses inside like a dickhead. I had my perfect blue light blocking glasses,

and John, as he sat down, I said, don't sit on it. And he went, crack! And he goes, yep, those are broken. I said, yeah, you think so? You think so? You fat idiot. So, but you know what? I gotta send it in. I'm gonna send it in because it has a lifetime warranty and I'm gonna write I'm gonna put it in a box with a piece of paper that said

my fat friend sat on these. That'll do it. That'll do it. They'll take care of it. Tell them John sent you. I see you won't have to. They go, I know what it is. They're going to send me a new pair because they have a lifetime warranty for any of their sunglasses that are made with some of the best quality materials.

Also, let me tell you something. They are starting at just $50. So they're affordable. They have a lifetime warranty and uh they're made out of all 100 recycled water bottles so really when you think about it we are like in bed together with nectar sunglasses we feed them endless water bottles they recycle them all turn them into dope sunglasses i put them on, gain the respect of my underlings Bam! What a system

You're welcome Right now, you can get a free pair of the blue blocker eyeglasses, which I wanted to wear and become a glasses guy and so when you go to NectarSunglasses.com slash KFC NectarSunglasses.com

slash KFC, buy your sunglassesunglasses.com slash KFC. Buy your sunglasses for just 50 bucks. Get a free pair of their best-selling blue light blockers now. Jacked up week nine. Jacked up. Let's go. Okay. Three minutes on the clock.

I'm going no notes again. So. Woo. This bitch goes no notes. No notes. I did no notes. And I honestly didn't watch. I didn't pay as well of attention.

Whatever. Okay. Okay. Great. Okay. So. I didn't pay as well of attention. Whatever. Okay, great. Okay, so we're going to start with the Jets, as always. But there's just not that much to report other than Mike White. Mike White, kind of a puss? Why? Kind of a puss?

Oh, because he got hurt? Mike White, like that guy, you can't leave the field if you're Mike White and this is your chance unless you literally can't walk. I mean, Mike White, like, that guy, you can't leave the field if you're Mike White and this is your chance unless, like, you literally can't walk. I mean, Mike White, he is fine. He will be eligible or available next game. Wait, what did he even hurt? It was his, like, forearm. I don't know. I mean, I feel like in your prime time game, your first, like,

you have the ability to become Mike White. White Mike? And you last, what, a quarter and a half, was it? But then he came back, right? Did he come back in? You have the ability to become Mike White. White Mike? And you last, what, a quarter and a half, was it? But then he came back, right? Did he come back in? There was a little fly. I was watching the bar, so I didn't have sound on, so I don't really know. But I do know in the aftermath, it was like, yeah, he'll be fine.

I'll tell you what. Prime time Thursday night, you got to fucking tough that out. A star was born with Mike White, with White Mike. But then you bring in Josh Johnson, who goes 27-41 for 317, three touchdowns, and a passer rating of 103. Now it's like, are we doing the Josh Johnson era? Hell yeah. We'll get back to Jacked Up in one moment, but I do just got to say,

I do just got to say, if you are Zach Wilson, It's tough to see other guys thrive. You probably have to just go drive off a bridge. You're thinking, I'm gonna go be a franchise quarterback, and then Mike White is just as good as you, if not better, and then so is Josh Johnson.

You now have a quarterback controversy, and you were supposed to be a franchise quarterback, so that blows. I also, real quick, Jackie, I'm interrupting again. There was a picture of Zach Wilson on Instagram. I saw that picture. On the stairs? He's just weird. Yeah.

I think Ken Jacks had the best. Get Tom Cruise about him. Very Tom Cruise. Very, like, he's not, he's like a robot or something. Like, he's just not normal. And. Like, he's just not normal. And I feel like he's in a cult. I feel like he's in a Mormon cult, right? Well, yeah, it's called Mormonism.

It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also feel like they probably, like, it's not just, like, religion. I feel like they, like, poison him every week or something. They, like, control him or something. He exalts? Yeah, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's They like control him or something. He exalts? Yeah, like he's like the chosen one to like infiltrate

major sports fan, sports like, you know, popularity with the Mormonism. He's a mix of Steve Young and just a bunch of other... Yeah, like I bet you he's got Steve Young's blood in him. I bet you they've all been like, fuck Yeah, I bet you he's got Steve Young's blood in him. I bet you they've all been like, fuck it.

I bet you they implanted Steve Young's brain in him or something. Like it's Get Out. It's like a... Yeah, brain implanting. They all look weird in that shit. Yeah, they all do. Oh, by the way. Zach Wilson's girlfriend?

Pretty hot. Pretty good. Pretty hot. Back to Jacked Up! Jacked up! Yeah, you guys took the words right out of my mouth. That's exactly the analysis

I had about the Jets game. Okay, then I'll go on to the rest of the week. Week of upsets. Cowboys and the the team that they played

which is the the, the, the, the, the, the, the Yep. Horses. Denver. Broncos, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, Denver, Denver, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the got some points on the clock, but they just completely destroyed the Cowboys. Right. So big upset from the Broncos. What are some other upsets?

Similarly. Similarly. Similarly. The Jaguars and the Bills. That was another one. Everybody thought that the Bills were going to win and that was also a very low scoring game. Final score? 6-9, 69-5.

Yeah, AFC's run through New England. Also, what happened a lot in that game? For the first time in NFL history. In which game? In the Bills-Jaguars. In NFL history, the first ever time that the Jags scored against the Bills in the first half.

Or what else? It's the first time that the Bills were losing to the Jags in the first half. Yep. Pretty good. Was that it? I can't even pull that. I actually don't know it. It's the first time ever that a person with the same name has done basically

everything. Josh Allen intercepted Josh Allen. Josh Allen against Josh Allen. Josh Allen, socked Josh Allen. Josh Allen, uh, stripped Josh Allen. The memes are flowing. It was, Josh Allen did everything to Josh Allen. Josh Allen fucked up Josh Allen Josh Allen Stripped Josh Allen

The memes were flowing It was Josh Allen did everything to Josh Allen Josh Allen fucked up Josh Allen's day I actually knew that Yeah I know

I'm not gonna sound like you knew that I actually did I did sound like you knew that Okay and then Okay then I'll just quickly go The Titans

and the I'm gonna go actually Ravens and the Vikings Yes This is so hard with no notes I can't believe you're Ravens and the Vikings. Yes. This is so hard with no notes. I can't believe you're doing this. And the Vikings, 34-31, last 16 seconds, field goal.

Justin Tucker hits it and makes it for the Vikings, and they win. And then we're going to go on to the last one, which, not the last, but I just said Titans against the Rams. No notes, no notes. The Titans against the Rams was not Jared Goff, but people are comparing Jared Goff

to the current quarterback, whose name is... Yes. I hold in my hand a giant... That's ridiculous. I know. Chief of...

You didn't say the same letter. Stafford. Matt Stafford. Fuck yeah! Oh, you're saying a staff? Chief of staff. Oh, chief of staff. You came up with that from... I hold in my hand a giant.

No, no, I didn't. I just remembered that because I just know football. But how was I supposed to say it? What were you even trying to say? Oh, big staff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Matthew, he's two interceptions in 26 seconds. People were like, even Jared Goff wouldn't do that.

So... Shout out Jared Goff. Love you Jared And Any other game? Any other notes? I know they have other ones Cardinals 49ers

What about the Giants? Did you see what happened with the Giants? I did see what happened with the Giants What happened with them? They played against the Raiders And the Giants, they did win And that against the Raiders and the Giants they did win yeah and that's it

that's all I know about that big week of underdog upsets so and like I said shout out to Hank Hank had like a four or five leg five leg parlay I think it was

50 bucks took home $6,800 courtesy of the Barstool Sportsbook so everybody go throw some bets this week

and Jackie will be back on Tuesday for another edition of Jacked Up Jacked Up school sports book. So, everybody go throw some bets this week and Jackie will be back on Tuesday for another edition of Jacked Up! Jacked Up! Make sure you buy

your stickers which we have spelled incorrectly J-A-Q-E-D They will not be getting fixed. They will not be getting fixed.

So you can buy what is it? J-A-C-K C-Q but no U. C-Q, no U. Right. So,

when you buy these it's like a collector edition. This is like when there's like a mis. So when you buy these, it's like a collector edition. This is like when there's a misprint in a comic book and it becomes like a million dollars. You could get your very own jacked up sticker incorrectly spelled. Or maybe you have to change your name now. You ever think about that? Maybe your brand.

I actually was thinking. People have started to spell it J-A-C-Q. Yeah, because you know what? C-Q-U is a tough thing. What are you doing? What? What are you doing? What do you mean?

It was the face. I like to sometimes stick my tongue out between the hair and my mustache. Ew. Ew. It's disgusting. You're a child. You are too immature to have a mustache. Think about that.

Fucking piece of shit. Piece of shit. Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop it right now. Jacked up, buy the stickers, change your name. One time we had a sponsor that we were incorrectly saying their name, and they just changed the pronunciation of their company

because the horse was out of the barn and all the stoolies were just using that. Who was this? Mott and Bow. Oh yeah. They're technically called Mott and Bow. We're like Mott and Bow Jeans and they were just like fuck it we're Mott and Bow now. Just a good move. It's like who cares you know.

So. Oh wow. Wow. Wait. What did he just do? I was trying to see if they did it the way that you announced it. Is that really the truth? No. I love the honesty. Also, we will be setting up the triathlon.

I know you guys think you're getting out of this. Also, though, I have to be a man of my word. When we get to 70,000 subscribers on YouTube, I would do an Ask Me Anything live on YouTube. So I'll be doing that. So much easier than a triathlon involving swimming. We will set that up. I'm not sure exactly when, but you'll know.

I'll tweet it out. And I don't give a fuck about anything anymore, so you can ask me literally anything, and I'll answer all of it. And then after that, because we got to 80,000 subscribers, we are going to have the Jackie versus Pavs triathlon involving swimming, rapping, and Googling. But I feel like before then, you made to, you made another promise, too. And I have to know that you are also man of your word. You don't get shit.

Okay? You will do a fucking triathlon if I do nothing ever again. You want me to just do another thing? I was just, I was just. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying that you have to also jerk off and then jump off a bridge. That's something else, okay?

That's a different podcast. You have nothing to do with that. That is not of your concern. But I just... My coming and my bridge jumping has nothing to do with you. If you were a producer on that show, we could talk.

You're not. Damn. I was above you guys at the start of this. No, you weren't, but okay. No, we can talk. You're not. Damn. I was above you guys at the start of this. No, you weren't. No, I'm not. But okay. Alright. On to top fives. Top five today is brought

to you by Bare Bottom Clothing. I'm rocking it right now. This is one of my favorite hoodies ever because it's called Denim Knit and it's very it's just got a good weight to it. I'm either – I either want it to be really, really soft or just like a quality – I feel like I could take a bullet in this. I feel like this is like armor.

I'm going to tell you this is the best ad read I can do for bare bottom. Before I left the house today, I rotated from my washer into my dryer a ton of bare bottom shirts. I can't wait to get home and put them on. They are. All of them, same time. I got everything in every color of their t-shirts and their long sleeve t-shirts and then I got fat and I

asked them to send them all in XL as well. So whether I'm fluctuating, whether I'm on a fat day or a skinny day, I've got bare bottom clothing. That's nice. I'll say that on a bare bottom, with the large, they give you a good fluctuation range. Yeah, you're going to be comfortable because they're very, very soft, and they're light, but they don't show off any of your lumps. And then there's this, the denim knit. It's not really, the denim is like, it's not like you're wearing jeans.

Denim denim. But it's like, it's got this thought you're wearing jeans but it's like uh it's got this it's just awesome it's just a great hoodie that's like high quality oh i'm wearing top to bottom i also have the bare bottom pants these i have in black denim i also have them in black like chinos but they're still joggers i got them in olive i got them in like light wash blue jeans so i mean really i'm either wearing'm either wearing like my Sherpa shit and my lounge pants, or when I'm dressing like a real human, I'm rocking bare bottom. So to me, it's like the only clothing I wear these days.

So if you like the way I look or dress, or you want to just get down with a casual, high quality set of wardrobe, you got bare bottom. Right now, for a limited time, when you buy the Incredibly Soft Tech Tee or the Natural Dye Tee, you can get that for free if you spend $150. So the shirts that we're talking about, if you go buy a boatload of bare bottom, then you go ahead and get your free Tech Tee or Natural Dye Tee as well. Also, you get 10% off your first order when you go to barebottomclothing.com slash KFC. That's B-E-A-R, like the animal,

bottomclothing.com slash KFC. Let's get into our top. Oh, but first, show them the koala hoodie. Koala hoodie. Fights is rocking the quality hoodie. The koala hoodie is legit my favorite piece of merch ever made because it's just accidental. So look.

Stop moving for a second because it also makes me uncomfortable, but also we've got to see this fucking. That koala. Now turn around real quick, Fidelberg. That koala looks like Fidelberg. Okay. That is the koala-berg, and we live in the Fidelverse where there are variants running around. And as we learned from Loki, you don't have to be all human.

You can be a Fidelberg that's old, that's young, that's female, that's male, that's human or koala. There you go. There. Yeah. Yeah. That is the fucking Koala. That is Koala Berg right there. Is he smiling?

Is he smiling? No. Well, it's the mustache. It's almost like the mustache is covering his mouth. That's amazing. It's amazing. So these are shout out to my guys at Crazy Koalas, the NFT company.

They made this NFT. Somebody tweeted and said, why does my NFT look like Fidelberg? I bought the fucking NFT. We own the Koalaberg. And I threw it on a hoodie. And I kind of just was like doing it as a joke because I think it's fucking cool.

And I was like, throw, like put some pink on it. And I was like, throw like put some pink on it. And I was like, how about quality? And they made it. And I fully intended on just having it for myself, like a one of one. And I tweeted it out. And people were like, yo, it's kind of dope. And it kind of looks like an Alec Monopoly, like streetwear, like graffiti type thing.

So we can now you can now get down with the quality line line and get the NFT Koalas that I've got. The second one, I'm going to drop another one. And I'm going to put it on the front this time. We'll see how that works. This one has it on the back with the Koala-ity brand. The new Koala-ity hoodie is going to be Knollage, who is my first one that I own, where he's having bubble bath thoughts. He's having shower thoughts.

It's a Koala in the bubble bath with the light bulb going off. So you can get yourself, get the whole collection. We're going to have koala-ity collection all winter long, so get those hoodies as well. Top five today. Top five most honest people in the world. Out of all the people who have ever told the truth about any and all situations, good, bad, whatever, people in the world. Out of all the people who have ever told the truth about

any and all situations, good, bad, whatever, big, small, just people who are honest. The most honest people of all time. Okay, so just so we're clear before we get to the list, honest can mean like honest means like truthful.

It also means never lies. Someone who never lies. Okay, so someone's honest, someone who never lies, someone who's truthful. Okay, like, truthful. It also means never lies. Someone who never lies. Okay, so someone honest, someone who never lies, someone who's truthful. Okay. You go first. I mean, you know, my gut reaction right off the rip when I hear it, it's got to be Abe Lincoln. Abe Lincoln.

Honest Abe. Honest Abe. Now, I almost want to make this a hybrid pick, though. I want this to be, like, Abraham Washington. Because one of those motherfuckers did the thing about the chopping down the tree who didn't lie but the other one just never tells a lie yeah right right it was like i think george washington chopped down the cherry tree and then and then copped to it he like admitted it yeah uh yes but then but then

but but then honest abe is honest because he you know what i mean it feels weird that we have two presidents that are all about their honesty when it's like, all these presidents are fucking liars. Well, yeah, I was just going to say you could just make it presidents, never lie. Right. Any form of presidents. Yeah. Okay.

My number one pick is going to be Tom Brady. I don't know him very well personally, but in my experience, he's a very honest person. My second overall pick is going to be the kid from the commercial that tells the ref he stepped out of bounds oh wow that's a ridiculous commercial i don't even know it's for like not smoking or something i don't even fucking know i think it's just for like being honest.com or some shit. That kid who fucking didn't even touch that ball. Yes. Yeah, yeah. He's like, coach, coach.

Yeah, but he says he did touch it or didn't touch it. I forget what it is. It's like their ball, but he goes, coach, I touched it. I'm out of bats. And they're like, okay, you fucking, here it is. That's an unbelievable commercial.

Alex. Good call. Sportsmanship. You know what we need to do? God damn it. We need to, like, we need to fucking do part two of sportsmanship. And I want them to inbound the ball, and they drain a three, and everyone's like, fuck you, Alex!

And Alex goes on to be a goddamn junkie who dies with a needle in his arm under a bridge at the age of 17. That kid ruined his fucking life, telling the truth there. That's a very good one. That's a very good one. Number two is going to be my mom. She is the head of the household. She's very honest.

She's honest to a fault. In fact, I was telling a story this weekend about one time when we were at the beach, is this past summer, maybe two summers ago, it was me and all my siblings and my parents. And we were all talking about like having kids when we want kids, that kind of shit. And we were all wondering about like, I don't know. We were just all just talking about it. And I pulled up this tweet. I'd forgotten about this.

I don't think we ever talked about this on the podcast. My tweet says, sitting at the beach with my siblings, talking about who does and doesn't want kids and why. My mom leans over and says, at the risk of being scarring, I don't think kids make much of a difference in your life. I thought that she said something about how she was just being honest, you shouldn't have kids. I don't think I remember that. To say that children

don't change your life is fucking insane. At the risk of being scarring, kids don't make much of a difference in your life. Like, you're supposed to be this beautiful gift. My dad's like, I don't know, when you turn 16, you got to drive me home from Red Sox games. And my mom's like, I don't know. I never changed anything. Dude, kids unequivocally change your entire life, except for Polly. She's just like, I kept doing what I was doing.

She had a whole slew of you fucks running around. My life was my life, and I don't know. They were just kids that were there. My third pick, anybody from any of those stories that's like, I woke up and my bank account said $300,000 and you alert the bank and give it back. The people who are like, the ATM spit out thousands of dollars and I returned the money. Or I got in an Uber and I found a bag of cash and I gave back the bag. Anybody who returns gross amounts of money that they don't really deserve that fell in their lap by the grace of God is a gift from heaven. And you give it back.

Fuck you. You honest assholes. Okay. By number four, is this dude on this viral TikTok who was just too honest? I was at like a sex dungeon at this bar in chicago once it's like a basement you had to take off your clothes to get down there you get down there it's a bunch of people just fucking in the dark um so i got fucked by like four random people and they all came in me which was crazy. Somebody probably peed on me down there, too. That probably happens.

There's just a lot of stuff. There's a lot of fluid around. That's some wild shit. That reminds me of the Steve Chappelle show. He's like, me and three of my guys in college. Like we all like fucked. Craziest thing I ever did is have a sexy little gang bang here without a rubber. Yo, I will say this.

Four loads inside of you is too many loads. It's too many loads. You can't go out for the night with no loads inside you and come home with four loads inside you. You can come home with one. I'll even give you, like, you have a crazy night, maybe you have a threesome. Even then, though, it really shouldn't be two. Like, I'll give you

like it can be two in, like, two different places. You can have, like, one in your stomach and one in one of your holes. Or even in separate holes. You can't... And I will maybe even grant you three because you can have three separate places that they all come. But the minute that you have two loads in one spot, it's too many loads.

Two loads in one hole is too many loads in a hole. Yes. Like you can't blow two dudes and swallow their cum. You can't have two cum in your vagina. You can't have two cums in your assholes. You can't do that. Because then you have two mixed loads together in your vagina. You can't have two cums in your assholes. You can't do that. Because then you have two mixed loads together

in your vagina in particular. Like Godzilla can come out of there. Yeah. Never in human history have we even found out what happens. Super baby comes out. You know what I mean? What? What? She wants 20 guys to come in a cup.

She wants to dump that whole cum in there. And what she wants. What, two twins from Tudor? She wants 20 guys to come in a cup. She wants to dump that whole cup in there. And then she wants the number one fastest person, fastest semen to win. I kind of want... When you have twins... Nothing.

When you have twins, it's one sperm into an egg and the egg splits, right? It could be either. Or it could be two sperms. That's like fraternal versus whatever it's like. I think if it's two, then they won't look alike. If it's one, then it splits. Wait, wait, wait.

So you have one piece of sperm, one swimmer gets into an egg, and that egg splits. That's identical twins. Yes. Or you could have two swimmers get into multiple eggs i think but again that's my point we have a google mike's like did we get a google guy for that yeah that was amazing he was like he like typed like three letters this one sometimes you gotta know when you're beat yeah be honest. I got nothing here. I was gonna say, if there's some way that you could get

two different swimmers, two different guys, Jackie's trying to win this Google battle, isn't she? One fertilized egg splits and then develops into two babies. We knew that one. But then what's the other one, you idiot?

Jackie's throwing up her hands. I need the other one. What's the other way? What do you mean the other way? Like, I think there's another way you can have twins. That's not just that. Oh. Identical twins is when a single egg splits into two.

Fraternal twins is what? Fraternal twins is when two separate eggs, okay, are separated by two separate sperm. So, what if you get two separate eggs, and when I say two separate sperm, I mean two separate sperm. So what if you get two separate eggs? And when I say two separate sperm, I mean, two separate sperm, two guys go at the same time. And then you have two different daddies from, from one in one womb. Imagine if it was like, imagine if you had like one like giant black dude and one like nerdy white guy,

and they both pop out and it's like, this guy's going to be an accountant. This guy's gonna be a cornerback. That'd be wild. That is, it's still one of my all time favorite. Uh, that can happen. Yeah. It's super. It's to be a cornerback? That would be wild. It's still one of my all-time favorite. That can happen. Yeah?

It's super rare. It's got to be a fucking. It's super rare. You've got to be a whore to have it happen. Yeah, it literally starts in rare cases. Well, yeah. It was Letterman. Brady was on Letterman probably like 2004, 2005,

after one of the Super Bowls, and discussing about how someone had sent him a letter asking him to be your sperm donor. And Letterman said, you should have agreed and sent Wilforks. So actually, if it was 04, 05, Wilfork wasn't on the team yet.

I love... Dwight Schrute absorbed his twin in the womb, right? That's why he's bigger, stronger, whatever. What's his license on the back? That's why I'm like superior or whatever. No, that's why he's the strength of a man in the movie. Right.

Also, as I bring up Dwight, we haven't told this yet, have we? No. No. The single funniest moment, maybe of my whole life, happened on Friday night, Saturday night at UFC. Colby Covington had just lost. He was giving his post-fight speech, and me and Fights were walking out. And, of course, Colby being the red-blooded American he is,

the first thing he does, he thanks the first responders and the military and the firefighters and everyone keeping us safe. And as we walked out, a Madison Square Garden usher was watching Colby Covington give this speech. And he's like, I just want to thank all the first responders and military. And this guy goes, yes! He like spun around and was like, yeah! I don't really have room back here.

And he's just clapping. He was like, yeah! He just spinned. He like went clapping. He was like, yeah! He just did. He went down, jumped, spin, and was like, yes! And I saw it, and I just internalized it because it was in a rush to leave. And I was like, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. And then we got a few feet further. We got to kind of where it was a little more spaced out.

Because we were walking single file, and that's why we didn't talk about it. Then we get spaced out, and John was like, did you see that guy react? And I was like, yes! I saw it too! And we laughed about this all the way out of the garden. We kept doing it and saying it. We went from the fight to 30th and 7th just

fucking howling, going, yes! And it was just like Dwight fist pumping the fire trucks. It was, it's hard. It had to be there. I don't expect anybody to be laughing on the podcast right now. But I'm telling you, it was the funniest thing that's ever happened in the history of humankind. If there was a part, it would be like my superhero moment where I'm like, okay, that's it. I'm going to change the world now.

And I want to go back to school. I have a long way to go until I get to this. If you were Superman, you would spin around the world. Oh, no, no, no. I'm going forward. I'm going to invent a technology where I can go into my brain. Got it. Get that moment again.

I just get one vine. That's it. People are going to be inspired to do that. Like your mom's last words on her deathbed? No. She was too honest. I wanted to go see this dude fist bump at the Red Bull. If I had the Time Stone, I'm going back to that.

If I had the DeLorean, I'm going back to that. You got to stop Thanos? Nope. He can still do the snap. I got to go watch this guy fucking fist bump. Yes! It was so fucking funny. If you are that usher and somehow we find you, please just make a video of yourself fist bumping.

My fourth pick in the honesty draft fletcher reed from liar liar fucking honest as shit man you're right the color of the pen that i hold in my hand is that was uh my favorite liar liar i i remember saying this when I was a kid, and I got to watch it again because I haven't in many years. I remember being like, he deserves an Oscar for this. It's a comedy, and I know it's not serious. He's got a few of those. But he is fucking so funny.

When he beats himself up in the bathroom, it's an incredible physical comedy. When he's honest to the chick, like, was it good for you? I've had better. So fucking good. So hot. So fucking hot. My number four would be my boss from GNC when I was in college. He was this big dude who was just like, I mean, a really cool guy.

I ended up playing fucking, what do you call it? Uh, men's league hockey with him. But he told me one time, he said, if you ever again close the store so you can take a nap in the back room all day, Saturday, I'm going to fire you. And then he did. So he told you, yeah, he didn't lie. He told the truth. He never lied. My last pick, number five, is Scott Peterson. He didn't murder that bitch. Scott Peterson, that's what we're hanging our hat on, huh? He did not murder that chick.

I don't know anything about Scott Peterson. He's dead now. He's the guy who bleached his hair, right? Died his hair? Maybe. I don't know. He's the guy who didn't murder his wife. That's the guy. You're right.

He is very nondescript. He's a regular non-murderer like all of us. He's just like all the other guys out there that did not murder his wife. Okay. Number five is. There he is. Bleached tips. Number five.

This one I just thought of on the fly. Number five is going to be me because I'm about to admit I just farted. Oh, no. Is it coming? Is it coming? You ate the hot chip earlier? Oh, no. I could smell I just wanted to get ahead of... I was not originally number five

on my list, but because of this admission that I just farted, number five, me. Is it bad? You're good. No? All right. It was a hot one. You know, you get a hot one.

Jesus Christ. Maybe that's what the title of that show means. It's not about the wings. It's about the farts. It's a hot fart. What if the whole time... The moment I fart, I was like, that's a hot one.

What if the whole time Sean Evans was like, it's actually about the farts that come out of your butt afterwards? It's not the wings. It's the farts. That would be the greatest fucking... The temperature in this room changed.

You guys might not have... I could have melted the polar ice caps that way. We went up. Yeah, I'm like a cow. Like, more methane. We can't take it anymore. Oh, my God. God, I hate you. alright alright

did we miss anybody for top 5? no I don't think so if there's anybody else tweet us I think we got all 10 people tweet us if there's anybody else That we're missing That was honest Voicemails?

Video voicemails Video voicemails Are brought to you by Simply Safe They're as honest as it comes to They are honestly The safest home security system In the world today

because they decided in order to be safe, it's not just inside. Because I'll be honest, if the burglar's inside, you're kind of fucked. Like it's too late. Like some bad shit's going to go down one way or the other if the burglar's already inside. Take it from one who's experienced it. Right. Just let them take stuff.

Just seriously, just stay on the bowl and let them steal. But if you can catch them when they're outside, then you got more time to keep them from going inside. And that's what SimpliSafe does now with the indoor and outdoor cameras with comprehensive sensors monitoring around the clock by trained professionals that send you the help you need immediately. I immediately. Unbelievable.

These amateurs over here. Fucking TikTok. Simply Save was named the best home security in 2021 by U.S. News and World Report. They got the customizable system that you can set up yourself. They've got the sensors, the cameras, the sirens, the alarms that are inside for outside, making it, protecting you from burglars, from floods, from earthquakes,

from fire, from tsunamis and avalanches and protecting you from Fidelbergs when he's farting. Just going to burn your house down with that fart. Speaking of burning houses down, it's a spoiler alert, but the show You is the dumbest piece of entertainment that has ever been made.

Yeah? It is just staggeringly stupid. I didn't hear much about season three. And they're going to do a season four. Yeah? I mean, they're going to do a season 40. The way they just leave it open-ended all the time. But this is stupid even by stupid standards.

It is so bad. Are you watching anything right now? No. Did you watch Invasion? Oh, I hear. Do you like Invasion? Do you like it or no? No.

Invasion is an alien show on Apple. It's kind of like Aliens Meet the Leftovers. I know how many people like the Leftovers. I just mean the Leftovers. But you know, The Leftovers was all about that rapture that went wrong, the rapture that happened, but it's more about

the aftermath and the people than it is this sci-fi thing that happened. It's kind of like that with invasion where it's like, you're not going to get like an independent stay or at least not yet. Alien, like explosion, fucking whatever. It's like,

there's, there's four or five different, like, here are the things that are going on in these people's lives while aliens attack, which is like this one girl finds out that her husband is cheating and it's like, now she,

but now she's got to like, like put that to the side. Yeah. You got a back burner that one for the fucking alien it's a military storyline kids storyline uh astronaut storyline so uh people are where are the aliens like well like that's not really like oh that makes me want to watch it more yeah it's it's more like uh sociological if you will than it is like sci-fi alien. Yellow Jackets I hear is good. Yellow Jackets, what's that? Yeah, it's a new show on Showtime. Interesting, what's it about? I forget, but... Jackie was just like...

She was slumped over on her own. I'm just like looking at something. Finish the ad read. Yellow Jackets is a team of wildly talented high school girls, soccer players, surviving a plane crash deep in the remote North wilderness. Okay.

It is supposed to be like a survival show. I don't know. True story at all right now? No. No. It's Juliette Lewis, Christina Ricci. Okay. I also watched the worst show in the history of the world,

Swagger. Oh, buddy. You want to see a bad television show. KD produced it. It's got O'Shea Jackson in it. Kevin Durant. It's got O'Shea Jackson in it, who I thought... Not a basketball guy. He's a good actor, right? So I was like, okay. It's called Swagger,

and it's about basketball. It's just so hard to make good sports shows. That's why Friday Night Lights stands out so much to me. It's about a kid who's going to be the next LeBron. He's 14 years old to make good sports shows. That's why Friday Night Lights stands out so much to me. It's about a kid who's going to be the next LeBron. He's 14 years old and he needs a coach. O'Shea Jackson's the coach. He's a fallen star. Used to play ball.

Never made it, but it is mighty bad. I only watched one episode, so maybe it gets better, but I read these reviews that were like, it's awesome. I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. This is the worst show I've ever fucking goddamn seen in my life. But Dexter's back. Did you watch Dexter?

Nope. First episode was like setting some things up. I saw you say it didn't look as bad as you remembered. Well, I watched a recap for season whatever, the final season. I watched an 11-minute recap of the final season. And while, if you remember the final season, it was very silly, super over the top. But so was Dexter was always on the top. It's a ridiculous premise.

And I was like, this doesn't seem like the worst fucking show ever. You know, I think the end end we all hated the the lumberjack thing was just preposterous. But I was like, that's not as bad as I really remember it. But it also was like it's like Billy Walsh and entourage. You can cut some shit up and make it good. Look good. You know? But so I watched episode one.

It's a 10, I think it's 10 weeks. It's a week to week show. So, you know, we at least get to do it like that. Some of it was like, we're just setting it up.

Some of it was like, we went into hyperdrive and it was just like, Oh, okay. That doesn't make much sense that we would just be right back into Dexter mode. But I just, it just brought back Dexter mode. It just brought back Dexter memories. Man, at its peak. Fucking great. And I really

don't think they would do this if they didn't have a home run ending. Yeah. He's gonna die. Why would you subject yourself to this? That's what should happen the first time around. They should have gone Walter White with it. Because in the end, he's a mass murderer who doesn't really deserve a good fate.

So it should have been something where he saves people but sacrifices himself. Because he doesn't deserve to live if you're going by the book of the code. And so maybe they're going to do that again. But I just don't think you would subject yourself to like, we fucked it up twice, bro. This makes me feel like the creators

and the writers were talking once and someone was like, man, you know, we should have done. You should have like die like this. And they were like, oh, my God, that's so fucking awesome. We have to do we have to do that. You know, otherwise they're just crazy people. Anyway, voicemails. Let's do it. See, fight, Jackie, Zach and the rest of the KFC radio gang.

You guys should start like, I don't know. I don't know if you guys already do this or not. But can you just, like, make a list of everyone that's in that room so people don't miss everyone on these videos. Video voicemails. I can't fucking speak. But, um, I've just been thinking a lot about, like, how the shit from my childhood has affected me as a grown-ass adult. Whoa. Um, like, I was born in the philippines and i moved to maui um and i was raised filipino and all that stuff and one of the toxic family filipino traits that i grew up with

is if you're not skinny or smart like you're not going to be successful and i feel like that's been fucking with my brain so much. Yeah, but I guess my question is for you guys is what's some shit in your childhood that you wish you could change or like some shit in your childhood that has really fucked you up as an adult? Girl, betterhelp.com for those kids. Second of all, I don't think it's just Filipino. But if you're not good looking and smart, you're not going to be anything. You've got some shit to work on. Second of all, I don't think it's just Filipino that if you're not good-looking and smart, you're not going to be anything. You've got to be one of those two things. I think if Filipinos recognize that at a young age, they're smart.

We do it just very subtly. If you're dumb and ugly, you're not going to be successful in life. Let me tell you that much. She didn't just say good-looking, skinny and hot. She said skinny and smart. You do have to be one of those two things dumb and ugly people are failures tell me one person who's fat and ugly and also dumb that's like succeeding it's a great question i mean that's really the question here give me a fat who's a fat dumb. Who's a fat dumb person who's successful? I bet you can't find one. Howard Taft.

He's dead. He got stuck in a tub. You've got to be pretty dumb and pretty fat to get stuck in a tub, but you also became president, so shout out to you. I'll take that. That's one. I think it was you who said that before people even knew what he looked like.

There's no way he would have got elected because they saw he's fat. They would have been like, this guy looks like he'd get stuck in a tub. I'm voting for the other guy. What's something from your childhood you learned that fucked you up? I don't know. I blocked it all out. I was going to say, it's probably, I mean, I'll answer for you. It's, like, any of the molestations.

Like, pick a number. Pick a deli paper. One through five. Which molestation. Like, pick a number, pick a deli paper, one through five, which molestation do you wish to have? If I really, again, this is, I don't think I've ever been molested, but people like to say that I have. That is so what people who have been molested say.

If it is true, and I have been molested upwards of five times, kind of sick. Like, I... Five-time survivor? Like, no, fuck, I don't give a shit about that. I was just a hot-ass kid.

And they don't molest fat dumbs. Dude, like, if I was fucking... I can say this because it was me. If they were just fucking grabbing at me and fucking rubbing my shoulders and shit, which they were doing. I was just like. But I've never been molested. I had that fucking swagger, man.

I got that child molestation swagger. I had that it factor. I had that wow. I walk in that room as a sixth grader and an adult's like, I got to have that. Vice cut that je ne sais quoi as like an 11-year-old. That panache, that pizzazz. It was like, going around the room, I'm going to rape that one. Oh, boy.

If I'm a computer teacher, he's got to rub one set of shoulders all class. It's his. It's that kid. You're making eyes from across the room. That kid. Rip God over. It's this kid. You're making eyes from across the room. That kid. Rip God over there in the fourth grade. I'll have you give me some of that. So it's my sense of humor, I guess.

Dude, my mom was telling me a story today about when I – I don't know why this came up on our walk to work. She was telling me when I – Oh, so UFC and then karate came up. I said karate as a kid. And in my town, it was a tough town I grew up in, and she said she brought me to my first karate class in fucking lime green sweatpants and a Martha's Vineyard sweatshirt. And I had a very big head of blonde hair

and she's like, I remember bringing you into the classroom and just all the kids looking at you like that's the kid I'm going to kick the shit out of first. Easy pickin' to me. You were like nine years old, you looked like a Barbie doll and everyone was like cabbage, cabbage kid.

And everyone was like, I'm going to fuck that You were nine years old, you were like, cabbage, cabbage kid. Everyone was like, I'm going to fuck that kid up. What's funny is that's similar to the time that you came down the stairs when you

were like 15 in your Madras shorts and they were like, this kid's a douchebag. Yeah. Pretty much

anytime Feidelberg comes out with his fashion choices with his family, they were like, this kid sucks. Throw me some Whoppers,

Feidelberg's favorite. Disgusting. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was chaos. That was Mutombo over here. I was about to catch one,

and I caught none. Holy shit. Before I play this, guess how old you think this guy is. Oh boy. That means he's young. I would guess, if you didn't tell me that, if you didn't say that, I would say he is 32.

I was going to say 36. I was going to say 24. 23, right? 23. Crazy. Is Jeff D'Lo's brother? You look distinguished, bro. What's going on, crew?

It's Pissboy here. I got an M.I. the Asshole for you. you pertains to me and my brother uh he's he's 27 and he's disabled uh i guess i'm disabled too if you think about it but i'm 23 and he doesn't have good hygiene yet you know i i attribute that to his disability and the fact that he acts you know like half his age stuff. But he doesn't have good hygiene yet. I, when I get out of the shower and I'm drying myself off, I'll use his towel for my nuts and my armpits. Like my stinkiest day, my cleanest day, it doesn't matter. I use his towel for my nuts and my armpits because I think that my towel I have too much respect for my towel whatever towel I'm using

to wipe my nuts and my armpits with it I just think it's I don't know I just don't want to get my face there you know my luck I'll get like pink eye or something but am I the asshole for that let me know what you guys think I feel like that's some shit you guys might do though so let me know you are decidedly the asshole for wiping your nuts on your

retarded brother's towel knowingly doing that like first of all let me make it clear when you get out of the shower unless you're showering really really wrong you can rub anybody you're fucking clean absolutely i mean i don't but i could yeah because like you should have really clean nuts and a really clean ass and a really clean everything when you get out of the shower if you're doing it right. This guy thinks to himself like, I'm above that, but my retarded

brother's not. That is fucked. What he said was, I have too much respect for the towel and a lack of respect in abundance for my brother. My brother. You respect a towel more than your brother. Yeah, I have, I mean, towels are clean.

I have used my brother's wet towel after he was done. Towels and toothbrushes, whatever. Going back, Piss Boy is the guy that tried to pee in the girl to stop having... Ah! Things are starting to make a little more sense. The fact that he's the smart brother is alarming. I've been trying to figure it out for two minutes.

We had the other P-Boy who couldn't pee, but that's Cracker Boy. Yeah, that's Cracker Kid. I gotta get a fucking catalog out here. We need a... That girl said it would be in the list. This guy being the smart brother, not a fucking catalog. We need a, like a, yeah, like that girl said, we need a list. This guy being the smart brother,

not a great sign. I'd rather be like disabled and, and dumb because of that. Then just this guy, this guy's a piece of shit. I've also gotten into, I've very recently gotten into the two towel life. I've always been a strictly one-towel man. I'm a two-towel guy now.

You do over the top and around the waist. There's one kind of draped on me like a champion, and then one around the waist. But I'm usually like, also, let's do it. Let's have a fucking towel talk. Everyone sit down. Come on, crisscross applesauce, towel talk time. How often do you change your towels?

People tell me you're supposed to do it like, like, every two uses. I'm probably doing it like, after, like,

five days. So, like, five uses. But, but here's the thing. But I'm gonna help you out here,

like, but also I might not. Like, I do it because I actually have a lot of towels and, like, I'll, I'm'm in i go to the

closet i get like keegan's diapers or whatever and it's there yeah like like yeah i'll there's been times where i'll go like i've gone years i haven't gone years but it also kind of depends on like what's happened to the towel like yeah i don't put any cum in towels well yeah if you if you come in a towel and reuse it you are are deplorable. You're a madman. Let's just say that. I can't believe that was even thrown out there. Well, like, what? People use towels, like, cum towels and freaks.

They definitely do, but I'm just saying, like, we're not reusing them. No, of course not. It's 2021, folks. We're not reusing cum towels. No, heavens no. But, like, I don't know. I just feel sometimes, like, I don't know. Let's talk more about the makeup of towels.

Well, this is kind of where... Actually, I want to hear everyone's answer first, though. How often do you use a towel? Do I use a towel? How many times do we... Oh, like once every, I don't know, two weeks. But I'm kind of like you. You just leave it over the door of the shower.

Yeah, I don't wipe myself off with a towel either. I just soak. So I'm not really like... I'm clean after. Yeah, absolutely. I'm good, wipe myself off with a towel either. I just, like, soak. So I'm not really, like, I'm clean after it. Yeah, absolutely. I'm good. Once a week. Once a week.

Nick? It's every two to three weeks, but I have, like, four towels that I, like, That's another thing I do. I have, like, two towels on the door. So sometimes I do this. Sometimes I do using that. Zach? I mean, I think we're all pretty much on the same page.

Two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah. Towels get a lot of wear and tear. Yeah. Towels live a long enough life to see me come and be like, not again!

No! Son of a bitch! I feel like it all depends on how your towel dries. The whole thing about towels, they're not getting gross because you're rubbing body parts that are gross, like your nuts or something like that. It's like if they are wet and they don't dry, a wet towel becomes like a wet dog almost.

It gets moldy in a way. So you've got to hang it up and dry it. And if it falls on the floor or it's crumpled up or something, you can't. Then it's just wet. You can't reuse a wet towel. So it all depends on you've got to make sure you hang it up right and all that kind of shit. Yeah. But the more important part, and my dad turned me on to this when I was like 14.

He's been beating this drum for a long time. That fancy towels that are soft are garbagio. It just moves the water around your body. It's like you're rubbing, like, rubber, like a fucking, like a water-resistant thing on your body. Fleece vest is what you're describing, Kevin. You're describing Patagonia vest. Yeah.

I've done it before. I've been in a pinch. Sure. I've fucking tried to use a fleece towel before. You can't do it. A fleece blanket as a towel. Yeah, no. It's just pushing water. It's like... It fleece towel before. You can't do it. A fleece blanket as a towel. Yeah, no. It's just pushing water. It doesn't make sense.

You know what? It feels like they make towels out of a duck's feathers. It feels like it's a down towel that is water repellent. You just see the water beating up, and you can rub it, and it's dry. It's like a magician trick. Somehow, afterwards, you and the towel are both wetter. And yes, this was discussed on Curb this week or last week. But I discussed this. Bro, I discussed this in 1997.

A million times. I just want to make clear. This is the inspiration. The fact that it was brought up again is why we're bringing it up again. We're not pretending we just came up with this. But we discussed it before Larry did. Okay, okay. I didn't realize it was brought up again is why we're bringing it up again. We're not pretending we just came up with this, but we discussed it before Larry did. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay, okay.

I didn't realize it was... Okay. But... People were tagging you in that when it first came out, being like, they stole your idea. Are you ready for the show? Which I obviously don't think. It's just... The best towels, there is an in-between.

There are beach towels that are made to be like, you're going to lay on the sand with them. And they have a cool design or something. It's almost just like a fashion thing. Those are trash as well. Then there's the fancy at-home towels. Garbage. There's this in-between that's almost like a pool towel, not a beach towel. That's big.

Because that's the other thing, too. Sometimes these fucking... I don't like a towel too big. Oh, no. I want to be able to wrap up in this shit. No, no, no. A towel about this wide. I want to be able to wrap up in this shit. No, no, no. I like a towel about this wide. Right here.

I want to be able... While I'm coming from up to back, an easy fucking... My arms are locked. It's about this wide. Okay. That's the perfect towel, then. And that material, that material that's, like, thin. It's not thick and fluffy.

It's like these people want me to fucking dry off with a Sherpa hoodie. It's not supposed to be thick. It's not supposed and fluffy. It's like these people want me to fucking dry off with a Sherpa hoodie. It's not supposed to be thick. It's not supposed to be fluffy. It's supposed to be like an absorbent, kind of rough almost. It doesn't need to be like soft. I want it to dry up. I want it like a fucking rag almost. I need a body-sized rag.

I like sandpaper. Yeah, I want a body-sized rough rag. My towel, the famous towel, and I had only two towels towels which was one towel that I ripped in half. I still have both those towels and still use them regularly. They are on their last leg. They rip more every time I use them. But those towels, it doesn't drive me like that towel. Go to like, yeah, Terry

is the problem I think. Terry Clough can get the fuck out of my life. Search absorbent towels. Because that's the problem. People are going comfort over utility I don't need to be like soft and snuggled by my blanket I need this shit to be dry

I need like a chamois like a chamois cloth if my towel was covered in oil it would be perfect like one of those fucking rags they just keep around a motor shop auto body shop I don't know anything about anything blue collar.

Sorry. It was always blue collar. Did you see Jerry longing for the days of blue collar? Motherfuckers looking at us for a week. He's like, get me out of here. The absorbent towels need to be made of like, yeah, that ShamWow cloth. I want to be like, I need the cloth to be like, the towel to be like soaked after it runs over my body. You know what I mean?

Soak that shit up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like smaller. Like it almost looks like I could throw it in the trash. Like what happens with a paper towel, it just gets like, ugh. Just like this fucking mess of material. When they do the ShamWow commercials,

there's like a bowl of like Coke, like soda, and they just like put the shammy in and the bowl's gone. That's what I want. I just want to magically

get rid of all that fucking water. Anybody who has soft, nice towels, you're running around with a damp undercarriage the rest of the fucking day. Shout out to you.

Same squad. Last voicemail. What's up, girl? Bites, KFC, entire crew. I'm Mel, aka No Pathetic, singer-songwriter, self-proclaimed

white trash Taylor Swift. Would love to sing a song or two for you, Bites. Yay, yay! I have a hypothetical. So you know how in Always Sunny there were those episodes

where Mac and Dee got to make the rest of the crew do whatever they wanted for an entire 24 hours without complaint or else the time would restart? I don't like where this is going. My question is, if you got to do that with the rest of the KFC radio crew, what would you make them do? Jackie Day would be a nightmare. No, we are doing this. What recessed the clock? This is genius. We're doing this. What recessed the clock? This is genius. We're doing this.

What recessed the clock in the show? It's 24 hours. No, no, no. But like what? Oh, if you complain. If you complain or you make fun of her, you just can't be, like I have to be nice to Jackie?

I forget exactly. Yeah, you have to be nice. I think is what it is. We're doing this. We're 100% doing this. And what is, and like so. We always say we're going to do something and we're not doing it. We're doing this.'re 100% doing this we always say we're going to do something we're not doing it, we're doing this

everybody gets a day this is a good 90k goal although we're climbing there quick right now we got like 4k in the past week yeah okay so at 90,000 you both got to knock out yours very very soon at 90,000 we will get

everyone's name goes in a hat. We'll get one person gets a day. A person, one a month? After that, one every 10k. Yeah, I think that would be the best way. And then we film that person for their day. We're all with them.

And they get to make you do whatever? On Jackie Day, you choose everything that happens. What we eat, what we look at, our smile. I got that fucking smirk. That's what scares me. You pick the content of the show. Fantastic.

You pick out our outfits, what we have to wear that day. You can make everyone do anything. I like this a lot. Like, on my day, we're just partying all day. Oh, God. Evan, help us.

We're doing nothing but partying. I don't even know what I would do on my day. And, like, I think that means, yeah, like, we're partying. On my day, it's going to be a lot of partying. Oh, my day is going to be so weird, I feel like. Actually, my day, we're going to be a lot, there's like. Actually, my day, we're going to be some jumping rope. We're going to start the day jumping.

Oh, I got my day. I'm ready for my day. Jumping rope, chugging smoothies. I'm ready. I hate Feidelberg day. Oh, you're going to despise Feidelberg day. You're going to have to sleep on a couch the night before. Oh.

Yeah. You're going to tuck me in. You're going to be on the couch. You're going to throw a chocolate bar on the couch and be like, tucked in, lay down on it. Lay're going to, like, throw a chocolate bar on the couch and be like, tucked in. Lay down on it. Lay down on top of this. Smoke a cigarette.

Yeah, yours is actually like. I'm going to make you smoke and eat a banana. I hate both of those things. Yours is literally like Charlie and Mac, like, eating cat food and, like, going to sleep. It's like, smoke a cigarette, eat a banana. Make sure the. This is a great idea. I was going to say, no pathetic was her name? Yeah, no pathetic.

No pathetic. This is a great idea. Zach's going to was her name? Yeah, Nopasetic. Nopasetic. This is a great idea. Zach's going to make us suck dick. All right, so everyone give one thing you'd do. Oh, man. Mine's probably cocaine. You guys are all so... You're all going to have to do cocaine.

You walk in, there's just six lines laid out. Good morning, my people. Just tell everybody it's Schneeberg. Yeah, you're all getting poisoned. You guys are all so useless. I can't think of anything I can make you do to benefit me. What would be the benefit from you? Kevin's like, raise children.

Yeah, like you have to watch my kids for the night. That would be great. I don't trust any of you to do that. Yeah, you can't. I'm high on coke. Can't raise a kid high on coke. All right. Bird time?

Bird, yeah. Bird Kreischer on KFC Radio. Wait, no one said anything else? Oh, yeah. You guys all just let me shut the fuck and wear that bullet, huh? Fine. Fuck you guys. Let's go to Burt. Fucking assholes.

Guess what? Your day just got 10 times worse All I can think of You guys are just gonna Make us do the podcast At like 8am And the podcast Is gonna be done

And wrapped by like 10.30 in the morning Yeah I would just I would just make you guys Shower me in compliments All day To start out

And then continue to Maybe we can take a nap All together Jackie will make us We'll do nap time for Jackie Yeah Yeah Play Tetris.

She just falls asleep in the middle of the day. That was one time. That was more than one time. You take naps in the middle of the day. Facts. Yeah. Did you see me fall asleep the other day? Oh, no, you actually fell asleep here?

Oh, that's what you see. I've seen her doze off. It's usually like we're editing late and I'll give you that pass. Here's. Okay, that's fine. I've seen her doze off. It's usually like we're editing late, and I'll give you that pass. Here's a twist on everyone's day. Who pays for it? Because if you have to pay for your own day, that day went down. You're going to make a pretty fucking skip. I thought we were going to try to expense this whole thing.

We're all going to Dirty Circus for mine, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Get the filming clearance in there. What would Paz do? We're all going to a bar. Yeah. Yeah. Get the filming clearance in there. What would Paz do? We're all going to a bar. Okay. And everybody's my wingman that night.

Pretty much. Everybody's gonna get you in. Pretty good. All right. Bert Kreischer on KFC Radio in what I think

is probably the best podcast appearance of all time. You have to watch this. If you're listening, stop and go watch Burt. We have the conclusion of the long ball saga. We have our own

long ball off. We have what we end the interview with an activity that is as preposterous as it is sexy. I'm going to have... I have no regrets about that one. But I'm going to be taking

a load of flack for that. A load of flack indeed. I got no problem with winning the blowjob crowd. You definitely did. There was a couple times

where... I haven't seen it. I've watched it like four times. It's not about seeing it. It's about hearing it. Okay? Sorry, I suck good dick! I didn't see it. I heard it. I heard you suck good dick.

I heard it. I just thought... I can explain exactly what happened. I was in a different place. My blowjob was transcendent. And I was in a different place. Out of body experience. And I heard choking. And I just didn't.

It was your choking. I didn't put together that it was me. So I was like, fuck, someone's choking on their bottle. I got to suck this harder. And then I just made myself choke more on the water bottle. Savage. At one point... It was over the top.

At one point, there was so much nudity and sexual activity going on that we did not want to subject Jackie to that. So Nick was like, Jackie, why don't you go set up ATI? And so I said something like, Jackie can't be in here. And Nick was like, don't worry. I told her to go set up ATI. And I was like, that, Jackie can't be in here. And Nick was like, don't worry. I like told her to go set up ATI. And I was like, that worries me.

Cause I don't think that's blunt enough. And I texted her, do not come in here. And then I wrote back like, okay, the coast is clear. Cause I didn't want her to be like, okay,

I set up ATI. I'm going to go back in. No, you're not. So no, you're not. I texted her. I have it here.

I'll put it on the screen. It says, can you go set up ATI? And she's, and when I said that, Pavs walked out. And I was like, and she's like, Pavs is already on it. And I think he's coming back now. And she's like, but also

do you think I should like get out? Like in case they want to show each other their balls. She understood the assignment. I'm like, that's that was actually the real reason. That is why Jackie is on this team. That is why Jackie.

See, that's like a fun girl, too, who gets it. Like, there are times, just straight up, you can be a fun girl and a cool girl, but you have to know sometimes, like, all right, some guy shit's going down. It's like the girl who knows, like the girl at work, she goes out for happy hour, and then the guys want to go expense the strip club on the company card, and you can't come. And they know that. They're like,'m just gonna peel off here i'll see you guys tomorrow that jackie knew balls are coming out i gotta go well done jack all right burt kreischer on kfc radio it's brought to you by movement movement watches hey they've been with us uh for like over a decade now they make watches that uh every every

type of style i've ever i've ever really gone through with my watch cycles has been through movement. When I wanted a lighter one, I'm rocking the tan leather band. When I want a more heavy-duty one, I got that black-on-black black metal one. They've got big faces, small faces, watches for men, for women, all sorts of different styles, colors, different bands, different makeups, all watches that should cost you a few hundred dollars, but they start at just $95. Don't go any higher than $130. Right now, they have the Nija edition, which is a Nija Houston signature watch. He's an Olympian and a world champion street skateboarder.

Dude has a Nike contract, so he's got a few pairs of Nike signature shoes that are all very dope, so you know he knows style, and his watch will be pretty dope as well. So those are on sale. Grab yourself the Nyjah. Any type. They have all sorts of fine jewelry

made with 18-karat gold and platinum plating, so these are quality watches, and with the holiday season coming up, it's a perfect gift for yourself or loved ones. It's a great gift for yourself or loved ones. It's a great gift. That's like when you don't know, you can't get something too personal or you don't know enough to get something personal. It's like, bam, here's a nice watch. It doesn't break the bank on your end and they're happy with it. Movement is always a hit around the holiday season. So go to MVMT.com slash KFC use code KFC at checkout. That's MVMT.com slash KFC. Use code KFC at checkout. That's MVMT.com slash KFC.

MVMT is doing their biggest sale of the year right now. So go to MVMT.com slash KFC and use code KFC at checkout. The sale is going on regardless, so just use the URL and the code so that we get credit. Tell them that KFC Radio sent you. It's MVMT.com slash KFC.

Code KFC. Enjoy Bort Kreischer on KFC Radio. The greatest podcast interview of all time. Yeah, of course. Bizarrely good at all that shit. No, I was explaining to them, I was like, a lot of it you go, you start thinking it's talent. It's not talent, it's just my privilege. I grew up in a country club.

Yeah. Like, I remember the first time, are we rolling? Yeah. I remember the first time I did a triathlon, and the guy was like, I got a trainer. Men's Health set me up to do a triathlon. And they was like, I got a trainer. Men's health set me up to do a triathlon. And they were like, we got a triathlete trainer for you. And he puts me in the pool and he goes, all right, how are you swimming? I said, pretty good.

And he goes, okay, there's two types of people. There are people who can swim and there are people who know how to swim. And I was like, oh, I know how to swim. And he was like, let me see it. And then he was like, oh, wow, you got a good stroke. And I was like, oh, yeah. You do know. Oh, I mean, I fucking grew up in Speedos.

Right, right. I can't do a butterfly. I never could do a butterfly. That's like dancing almost. You got to have your body in motion. That's a weird one. It's fun when people go, because I was on the swim team growing up as a kid. And then I did it in high school.

And I was a pretty good freestyle swimmer. Yeah. And it's funny when people go, I'll race you swimming. And you're like, I'll fucking destroy you. I'll dust you. Because there are certain things that you can do, like how your hand enters the water. What you do when you come in. How you breathe.

All those things where you go, oh, there's no fucking chance in hell. Right. We rented a house last year, like a ski house. And we wanted a couple people from work. And they had a pool in it, like a heated pool indoors. And we all got drunk and we were like, all right, let's have like a relay races. It was like three guys versus three guys. And it was just their back.

Not an Olympic pool or anything like that. It was just their back. And I was tired for weeks afterwards. Swimming's a motherfucker. It's so fucking hard. And swimming's something that creeps up on you when you're drunk. Because a lot of people,

a lot of people, when we were in Greece, this was right after I got back from Russia. After Russia, we went and toured Europe and just backpacked. We were in Greece, and there were these girls out there that we met.

One girl, her name is Jenny. I only remember that because it was right after Forrest Gump, and my buddy Weeto kept going, Jenny. We said, I said to them, it was just me and these two girls, and I said, they said, let's swim out to this boat. And I go, well, there could be someone on it. They're like, no, it's been out there all day. There's no one on it.

And I go, all right, we'll swim out, but it looks pretty far. Are you guys good swimmers? They're like, of course. We all get naked. We all start swimming. And I realized very quickly, one of the girls

does not know how to swim at all right now. We are naked. Like floundering? They're in panties and bras. I'm in nothing. I don't wear underwear. I mean,

I mean, when you strip to your tee, I'm naked. I'm naked. Like, are you, do you look around and you're like, all right, so I got ahead of the game here. I'm skinny at I'm naked. Like, are you, do you look around and you're like,

all right, so I got ahead of the game here. I'm skinny at the time. But like, are you like, all right, why isn't anyone else naked? Like, I should have waited to see what you guys did. One, two, three, everyone go to the same time. In high school, I was trying to make this analogy in high school when they were like, all right, everyone get in the showers. It's a game of poker because everyone wants to see the first dick.

The first dick is like, oh, you're a 2'7"? Oh, I can show you, man. I got pocket rockets. So we swim out, and this one girl clearly can't swim, and I said, we need to swim back in. And they're like, no, no, no. The other girl's now on their way to the boat. And so I had that girl get on my back, and I just breaststroked like it was my child.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got into the boat, and I was like, we got in the boat. The fuck? it was my child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got into the boat and I was like we got in the boat. I was gassed. I was gassed. I remember sitting there not caring what my cock looked like. And it was by the way, survival mode way smaller when we got there.

It was like, no, it was literally we just stopped at a boat and then took a breather and swam back. I would take the boat fucking in. We're going to find a way to turn this shit on because you know, these two can't swim. For real. This kid was born and raised on Long Island.

Can't swim. You know, I'm not going to out certain people. There's a lot of comedians that can't swim. Now, when you say that, meaning like if I threw them in a pool, they die

or like they're going to like, you know, they just can't like do a stroke. You know, I think that people confuse being comfortable in the water with swimming. I'll tell you one person that definitely does, T-Pain. I did not see that coming. T-Pain knows he can't swim, but he definitely, he's like, I don't mind getting in a pool,

but I can't swim. And I was like, that's like, I don't mind getting in a pool, but I can't swim. And I was like, that's really dangerous. It's like how I smoked pot all through high school. It's like, this could be really bad. Or it could be fun. Or I could not feel anything. Well, we got a challenge with these two. They're going to do a triathlon of our making, a fake triathlon.

One of them is just swimming. Because he almost died when he was a kid, like a baby. So he has a traumatic experience. Jackie, you just can't swim, right? I just don't know. And she's from California. Really? I just never was taught how to swim. I don't know if anyone taught me.

Did somebody taught you? I guess. Well, it was probably more like you're just born in the water. You just grow up. Oceans are an easier place to learn, maybe. Because on the Gulf. The Gulf is just no waves. It's not rough. Okay, I was going to say that.

Otherwise, I vehemently disagree. Jesus is on tour with me. Jesus Trejo. We went on the Hot Summer Nights tour when we were driving movie theaters. And he told us he couldn't swim. And we taught him how to swim. You taught him? We taught him how to swim.

Because usually late in life, it's tough. Because then you have the fear and you're embarrassed. Can I tell you what helped Jesus the most was a mask and snorkel. Because a lot of it for him was the fear of what's underwater. And once you get past that? He spent the whole first day just looking in the water. Oh, so you're talking about the ocean though, right? No, we were in a pool in New Orleans.

We were in the Marriott, dude. We were in a pool in new orleans we were in the marriott dude we were in a hotel pool so just the fear of being not like what's under there because there's nothing in the pool just being under there's just made of a guy the idea of going underwater is scary if you don't know i i actually i it fucks me up with uh like scuba gear i can't do that because like that is so like intense like that's an that's a weird thing that's not supposed to be underwater breathing and you are so the first time i went scuba diving like my first open water dive was at like 90 feet which you should not do like we had i take that back my first one was at 40 feet at dusk and i watched and i watched my dive buddy die in front of me like this close to death

callie is her name callie xandri i think is her last name we go our teacher is named zen he did not speak any english he was chinese that's that's a fucking hard thing to do with a school instructor no english no english and where is this iniji. And I think it's Fiji or Bali. One of the two. Those are the same. And so we go. We've done all our pool stuff in Denver. And then we have to, in order to get certified, we have to do one more thing.

We have to go in the open ocean. All we really had to do, if I remember correctly, was get down on our knees at 40 feet. She drops her regulator. She says, I'm out of air. I then give give her my regulator and i take my squib right so that we're at 40 feet it's dusk this guy doesn't speak english we're on our knees we can barely see each other it's dark underwater and she drops her thing it's so easy i give her my thing i grab my thing and as I grab my thing she forgets to blow the air out of it and breathes in water Oh fuck and goes and grabs mine and it's like and I'm like, oh fuck. I'm we're not both dying down here We're this close and I see the panic like I'm gonna die in her eyes

This dude this dude Zen fucking John Holmes to her heart as fuck. He grabs his squib, right? Shoves it in her mouth and just starts hosing her with oxygen. Just open her up like a balloon. So she's like coughing it out, coughing it out, coughing out the water, coughing, coughing, breathing, breathing. And then he looks at both of us. He goes, we're going up. So we go up. And then you, but at 45 feet. He goes, we're going up. So we go up.

And then at 45 feet, you still have to go slowly, right? Or can you just go? I'm sure I'm exaggerating. 40 feet, whatever it was. The kind where you can just go straight up. And so we go up and he goes, it's done. And I said, hold on. I was like, Callie, are you sure?

She's like, if I don't go back down and do this again right now i'm never gonna do it again yeah so we go back down that's i would have said that you're right and i would have been like and guess what i'm never scuba diving that would have been it for me scuba diving is scary as fuck yeah and i and i've done it a lot a lot enough i just i have panic attacks when i scuba dive that's the like the set i've only i've only done it once at the bahamas and it was like that, I got maybe 15 feet out and I was like, fuck this,

never mind, we're not doing this. Once you get cool with it, once you get cool with it, it's fun as fuck. Yeah. But like, the initial disappearing

into nothing, like we did a dive at 90 feet, the boat was at 90 feet, that's the bottom. You could start seeing stuff at like 45, I'm guessing.

You could see the mast at 45, but you couldn't see it. And there was a fucking thunderstorm. We were in a steel boat. We were in Fiji. You can't even get your shit. It's so much movement. You get in the water, and then everyone just starts disappearing. No one's like, we'll do this together.

Everyone's just like, see ya. And then I start going, and then I go, I can't do this. I'm nothing. I want is down there. Everything I want. So I just came back up and my dive instructor who looked like, looked like junior sale, but was a chick.

Oh no. Oh no. That poor woman. She kicks back up, kicks back up. She smelled like curry. Not get better. I know that because I ran out of air and i had to buddy breathe to throw on the way up oh yeah dude dude you sound like you've almost died several times scuba diving stop scuba diving at 90 feet

you we weren't not supposed to go to 90 feet we're supposed to go to 60 and swim around the top of the boat that's a big difference but i went to the fucking bottom not knowing and then you it is like drastically different to breathe at 90. You can maybe stay down there for 10 minutes. To breathe at 60, you can stay down there for like 45 minutes. So I used up all my air. And then she comes up, looks at my air, and she's like, we're going up. But to get me down, I kick back up.

And she kicks back up. And she's like, you OK? And I was like, I don't know what accent I'm doing. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm OK. She goes, we're going down okay and i was like uh i don't know what accent i'm doing i was like i was like yeah yeah i'm okay she goes we're going down and i was like i'm a little scared she goes don't be scared let's go and just hits my pc and i just looking into her eyes as i go and she keeps going oh my god i just have you ever seen that video of the dude free diving in the world's just the world's deepest free dive indoors the world's deepest pool it is see if you can pull it up it's fucking because there's like levels to

it like like the electricity to run the it's so deep the electricity to run the lights are like motion activated because you can't just keep it oh yeah where the key keeps going and it lights up and it's like slowly going down minutes and minutes and minutes we did free diving we do free diving sometimes my cameraman's really into the that shit but we do it like just like 20 feet like 20 feet is way more you're crazy no no no no no but like but you've done everything i've done everything like when you when it's all said and done and you kick the bucket in like four or five years you'll be able to say like you left no stone unturned. Is there anything like that you haven't done yet that you really want to do?

I mean, of course, there's got to be a couple of things, but like for the most part, you've checked it all. I've done. I've done. There's not much. It's so funny. You say that. The other day was my birthday.

Happy belated. Thank you. And I was like, I wonder what I want to do. I wonder what. Oh, yeah. No, we know it was your birthday. Yeah. We're your you. And I was like, I wonder what I want to do. I wonder what. Oh, yeah. No, we know it was your birthday. Yeah. We knew your gift yet?

Yeah. Are we disclosing the gift? Oh, oh, oh. Tom was just in. No, I can't. I don't want to. I'm not going to disclose. Is it, was it awesome?

It's going to be. It's going to be pretty fucking awesome. I looked through these pictures of like just my life, rock climbing, taking karate lessons. I was with a geisha i was scuba diving on a boat uh this is a ceremony and a fucking world's biggest cave like i look at all the shit the travel channel had to travel channel was the kicker yeah then you think i got really really lucky because i thought my career was over when I started. You broke your fucking back? When I fell off a waterfall, I was like, dude, this is over. I'm done.

Like, I got hurt, and I thought comedy had just gotten away from me. I was like, Tommy had blown up, and Rogan's podcast was taking off, and Ari and Joey were selling tickets, and I'm not moving any tickets. How old are you this? I'm 49 right now, so 44. I was 44, 45. Oh, shit. I didn't realize that.

I figured you guys were all kind of together as you – Oh, no, no, no, no. Ahead of others, but you were all rising. No, like Burr sells 19 shows at the fucking Wilbur, and everyone's just blowing up. And I remember being at Travel Channel. I went to just this period of time where Bert and Rogan pulled me aside and told me my show sucked. And this is so humiliating.

But I remember being at the store. I wasn't past at the store. And they went aside to Adam. And I think it was Bill and Al were like, hey, we should pass Burt. And he said no. And I was like, okay, so this is the dead end. It's comedy. It's over.

I went to Montreal that year, and I watched my friends do big shows, like big celebrate comedy, and I did like a a bullshit one from for television like i did one that was in a studio that like and i was like okay it's over and uh and then you know and then i got fired from travel channel and you had to readjust and re-fix your career and and so that when i say i'm the luckiest guy in the world i did all that shit for travel channel then i got out then i got to have a career in comedy which i did not think i'd get to have like i and by the way comedies was my number one thing in the first place but now and then and then you look at like what i've been late this just this

past month i never thought i'd do a movie i never thought i'd do arenas i never thought i'd red rocks i mean i never thought i was thinking of this today in the morning, red rocks. Oh, get the fuck out. I remember I was just talking to them last night. I used to do the Denver improv, which is the urban club out by the airport and no one would show up. And then I'm doing red rocks. I was thinking of this this morning. I was like texting with Joe and I was like,

when I met Joe Rogan, if he had said to me, you know, one day you'll be, you and I are going to be doing Madison Square Garden together. And I'd be like, what? And he's like, oh, I'll be hosting a UFC event, and then you'll be doing the theater there. And then we'll just text and see if we can hook up. And I'll be like, first of all, I'll be like, I know you in 10 years.

But I've been very, very lucky. I feel like it gets to the place where you start looking at dick celebrities and you're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? All I want to do is pay it forward. I gave a homeless guy 500 bucks last night. I just was like, because I did two shows in Boston and I was drunk.

He just went and spent that on heroin. When you were, when everyone else was selling out and doing these master shows in Montreal, that shit, were you mostly happy for them or were there parts where you were like I'm fucking funnier than that person?

I've never thought I was funnier than anyone. But come on, yes you have. There's people who are funnier than but they're not in common. No, never once been like God damn it, Bill Burr is such a fucking cigar. You want to know a real i mean i'm sure

tom's not gonna like me sharing this but uh i remember one time so right around this time i uh we were supposed to do the funny or die tour the oddball tour and i got offered 12 dates tom got offered like 16 or 20 dates and uh i'm and i'm i'm sure my math's off but i'm telling a story how you i need you to feel what i felt so joey got offered a bunch of dates and then at the last minute they pulled all my dates they just canceled those shows and i was like fuck and i got on the phone with tom i was in my office shirtless getting ready to get on the treadmill and i said uh that fucking sucks because i had canceled all my touring through december make sure I could do this. And it was going to be fun as shit. Everyone was cool on it.

Sebastian, Fluffy. And it was like, and, and Tom goes, yeah, I know I'm fucking pissed. And I go,

yeah. And he goes, and I mean, at least they're guaranteeing the money. And I went, oh shit, are they? And he goes,

well, I mean, they are for me. I mean, they had to. And I was like, well, I should look into it. And I texted my manager and she said, well, I mean, they are for me. I mean, they had to. And I was like, well, I should look into it.

And I texted my manager and she said, no, the money's not guaranteed. And I went, yeah, they're not guaranteeing it. And he was like, buddy,

it's a lot of fucking money. I go, Tom, it's not that much money. He was like, what do you mean? I said, it's $2,000 a weekend.

And he went, you're getting paid $2,000 a weekend. And I went, yeah, what are you getting paid? And he goes, I don't want to tell you. Yeah. Not, not 2000. And he goes,000 a weekend? And I went, yeah, what are you getting paid? And he goes, I don't want to tell you. Yeah, not $2,000.

And he goes, not $2,000. And I was like, Tom, you got to tell me. He goes, I can tell you, but this cannot affect our friendship. And I was like, and I had to sit and make an actual decision. Can I hear this? It's like a matrix pill. Do you want to know? Amanda Knox said, do you want me to tell you a secret about all the things in her case?

And I had to say to her, no, because I will tell everyone. I will tell everyone. I can't. I can't hold it. And so I sat there, and I remember my hands were on my knees. We were just sitting like this. You're a little kid. I'm like, all right, tell me how much you made and it was uh it was significantly higher per show he was getting paid per show i was getting paid per weekend and i had to pay for

travel and and my hotel and i was like and i was like i was gonna barely clear even for me it was the opportunity to get in front of live nation and tom was like oh man and then and then but the thing about my friends also is they're like i just said no to that by the way what about i'd have been like you know what never mind don't tell me that i'm real i always want to know the number i think i i mean it's different with business but like with a friend i'd be like i'm gonna look at you differently man fuck it because because like i would say i would do my best to not let it affect our friendship but but it's going to fucking affect our friendship. I've always looked at, I'm not a great person.

I have bad traits, but this is a good trait I have, is that I get inspired very easily. Joe Coy is doing 27,000 tickets in Sacramento. He's insane. And I just go, and it just inspires me. I'll give you a perfect example. And I hope this is good, but did you see the video I did about Joe Coy's promos? Yeah, yeah.

So that's inspiration. I'm watching him do Brooklyn, and it looks so cool where he's like, check this out. It's a sold-out arena. And I'm like, fuck. I was like, I'm not that cool, right? Yeah, yeah. I don't look cool being like, bah. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not that cool. But I get inspired, and I go, oh, but if I get naked, that'll be good. So I just get inspired and I remember thinking, I swear to God, I remember thinking, if I can get to where Tom is, then I can,

I'll be sitting pretty. And I just did the math. I was like, all right, I need to get a Netflix special. That was it. At the time, I had an offer from Showtime

and I was like, all right, we'll do Showtime. It'll pop and then Netflix and then Showtime, and I was like, all right, we'll do Showtime. It'll pop, and then Netflix. And then Showtime didn't pop, but the story goes viral. And then I'm like, I've got to get on Netflix. And I remember talking to Joe in the back of the store, and he's like, you've got to be undeniable.

And I was like, okay, okay. And then you just find the – it's easy when you have a friend who is the goal where you're like, right. I want to get where they are. Right. It's so much easier because you can just go, how did you do it? Right. Like, it's like you got the blueprint.

Yeah. It's the blueprint. It's like, that's what's cool about when you see like, uh, Kevin Gates is a rapper. I like when you see Kevin Gates explaining how he got to where he is and, and he does it for the kids in his community.

That makes sense to me where I go, yeah, yeah, you got to give him is and he does it for the kids in his community, that makes sense to me. Where I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to give them the blueprint of how to get there. So it was – but Tom and I have always been extremely open about money, like to a flaw. Well, he was telling us yesterday or this week, he's like – I said, why do you still do some of these like random spots in the middle of the country? He's like, because it's a surgeon's salary in a night, man. All right. That makes fucking sense, dude. Makes fucking sense.

Dude, you look at these. I'm touring aggressively until May, and people are like, how can you do it? And you're like, oh, yeah, because I won't have to work again. Like, ever. This is paying for my grandkids' grandkids' college. At the end of this tour, I'll go, I got Georgia's college, Hollis College. Yeah, that's amazing, man.

I can pay off my other house. And then you just go, and then I'll take a breather. I'll do a couple movies. And they don't pay shit. They don't pay shit. They're like, you lose money making a movie. But hopefully one pops. And then I'll go back on tour.

I'll do it. I'll do this. And I love it to death. I love it. You were saying you were saying earlier that like you're like when you get

you said you thought if I can get to Tom where Tom is I'm good. But like now you got there and you surpassed him even where he was at that time. Like is there a part

where you stop? Is there a part where you go I like are you are you content? No. It's so funny. Because I feel like that's what everyone does. okay once i get there i made it like you go we've said before if you told us 10 years ago this is where you are like all right we're done perfect but now we're like we're failures yeah yeah i'm still like this is this is terrible we need to do much more you

know there was a thing called uh uh i was reading this book on uh i'm obsessed with world war ii especially the the pacific theater like i just obsessed with World War II, especially the Pacific theater. Like, I'm just obsessed with it. It's good to specify. Which part? Which team? So they were saying that the American soldiers were in, like, Guam or something, or the Philippines, and that they had to climb mountains to get to the Japanese soldiers.

But every mountain was a false peak, meaning you get to the top, and then you see 10 other mountains, and be like, motherfucker. But that walk up, that feeling, right when you're about to climb up, and you go, guys, we fucking shit. That is stand-up comedy.

You should go. Because if you said to me, I just did theaters. By the way, that never was in. When I started stand-up, the idea that you do clubs was like oh you can get into clubs like that's insane i remember we asked chris rock like how do you become a feature like that and chris rocks like i wouldn't focus on that and then and then we were like how do you get into clubs how do you headline clubs and then you headline clubs and you

do well and you're like telling $20 tickets. And then they raise the price of your tickets. And then you, a new false peak, you start going back down. And then you get to selling $35 tickets and then adding shows. And then they're like, are you going to do theaters? And then, you know, Tom was telling me he's doing arenas this year. And I was like, I was blown away. I was like, God, I can't imagine doing arenas. I didn't know I was doing arenas also.

I just did not do the math in my head that I was like, I'm doing where Jake Paul fought. Like Cleveland, we're at the rocket mortgage center and it's, I think it's sold out and you're like, and you're just going like, well, what the fuck?

And then here's the thing about arenas, right? Fucking sucks is you go, I'm doing arenas. Well, you're doing arenas. You're doing it with stage three-quarters of the way, right? Yeah, so it's like nobody.

And then they're like, well, no, it's like 7,000, 10,000. And then you want to talk about a false peak is sell it out, right? Like we sold out Tallahassee or whatever in the fucking Civic Center where I saw Nirvana play. And we sell it out. I'm like, cool, good. I don't have to work play. We sell it out. I'm like, cool. Good. I don't have to work anymore. That's sold out. They just moved the stage back 20 feet

and they're like, we just added a thousand tickets. I'm like, motherfucker. Eventually they're going to have you on this little fucking island. As many goddamn seats as you can get in there. I said to Tom, I go, what's the cap at? When you get to the far, far end, that's got to be it.

And then Tom goes, oh, no, that's when you go in the round. You know what? Right. Mother fucker. Right. It never stops. False peak. I mean, can you imagine doing, like, giant stadium like Kevin Hart did? No, I can't.

It's almost like this is just silly. This is not meant for this many fucking, you know what I mean? It's a wild format to just be talking. It would be, I mean, obviously it would be very, very, very,

very cool. I think you guys would get there, man. I really, I think, I think what's going to happen is, um, I don't know what's going to fucking happen.

I think you guys are both. You as a team are so good at parlaying this into everything else. Like we've, we've, we've seen it at barstool where we've done everything from like run a fucking techno tour to doing uh live shows to doing you know things that when we started out we were like we're gonna write funny shit and then you can just parlay it into all this stuff and you guys are so you know a lot of the you know logan paul becomes a boxer they're gonna do movies they movies. They're going to do whatever.

I mean, I don't see, once you have your fan base that will follow you kind of wherever you go and a little bit of talent, there's no reason why you guys won't be making full-ass movies that are successes, that aren't the fucking failures. We have one in the pipeline. Yeah, that's easily next for you guys. I don't know. I would also like to, I just bought a house and I haven't really been there. So I'd love to see that. You're like Kanye, man. Kanye was doing a podcast. He said

he's so rich now and successful he doesn't have a house. And maybe he's joking. I'm sure he's got some property somewhere. But whatever's going on with Kardashians, he's like, I don't have a house. Everywhere I go, someone just puts me up, and that's really being rich. This motherfucker's so rich, he's making homeless be cool. He's couch surfing, and that's his new life.

I have, I'm not that rich, but I can identify with not having a house. Yeah, I bet. That feeling like starting in March, I have been in L.A. maybe. I had to go get surgery. I was in L.A. for surgery. I've been in L.A. maybe for a month total. That would drive me crazy eventually. Do you have that shit in movies where you wake up and you're like,

I don't even know where I am? You're like, what day is it? What city am I in? I woke up in my house. He wakes up in his house and doesn't know where he is. I'm not familiar with that room. You want to hear a good one? I woke up.

I got drunk as fuck in Tampa. I used to do these call-in-six-to-work shows where you drink on air and then go to the show and you drink. I got so drunk I gave out Segura's number. I didn't tell the machine story. then go to the show and you drink and i got so drunk i gave out sagara's number i fucking i didn't tell the machine story i lost my check and i woke up in jeans shoes still on no shirt in a bed i did not know i mean that i had never been in and i woke up and i'm like fuck open the door and i'm in this house i've never seen this house i I'm like, hello? Mom, dad, Uncle Frank? No one. I go out, and I'm like, it's a nice house. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I start looking around for

anything, my wallet, my cell phone, nothing's there. Nothing's there. I go around, and I see a picture of me. And I'm like, mother, it's the card that I used to hand out at Boston Comedy Club. And I'm like, and I Boston Comedy Club. And I'm on it. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm in a fucking uber fan's house. Then I see a picture of my daughters. And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, my God.

I'm about to get killed. The door opens. It's my dad. And he goes, hey, first time seeing the new house? I was like, I thought I'd never been to this house. And I did not remember walking into it. My dad had picked me up in Tampa, taken me home, and I was like, what the fuck? Dude, that was terrifying.

I've done the wake up in a strange house move, never seen a picture of myself. That is creepy, man. That's like you go to the kitchen. If you were watching that on a movie, you'd be like, get get a weapon get a weapon yeah like you're screaming at the tv i woke up in the bedroom the other day and it was uh we had flown in from miami and i had gotten pretty drunk on the landing in miami into la like it just i woke up like an hour and 15 to go and i was like double checking the rocks then that went down quick i was like double checking the rocks and Then that went down quick. I was like, double check on the rocks. And then I was like, can I get one more before landing?

She gives me one and then gives me two bottles. I was like, oh, I love you. She knows what's up. And then I got home and I passed out and I woke up and it was dark out. And I woke up in my bed and I was like, where the fuck am I? Because I'd been pretty hammered when I got home. And then I got up and I was like, where the fuck am I? Because I'd been pretty hammered when I got home. And then I got up and I was like, I'll tell you what, man, this is going to sound sad maybe, but

I don't even feel comfortable in that house yet. I don't feel like I have a place to sit. I don't know where to sit. In my old house, it was a piece of shit. It was tiny. People would come there and go, God damn, your house is so small. I had like four places to sit. I don't have a place to sit in this place yet and then i break it in i think we had a couch and i was like there's like a chase lounge to the couch

and i got there and the end goes that's my seat i went oh i never really like consciously thought about that but yeah even in my parents house yeah you gotta have your lazy boy. It's not like, I wouldn't kick someone out of the seat. I wouldn't be like, that's my seat. But when no one's on the couch, that's where I sit. We had seats in our old house. I had a lazy boy that I still have.

It's just in our bedroom. And it's by itself. No one's around. So you could sit in it, but you're by yourself in a room and then I had my lazy boy Isla was on this couch George was on at the front

at the end of this couch Liam was on this couch and then dogs would split it and we had our seats we'd go to see a movie we'd all watch a movie everyone had their seats it's like you're on a ship

or something the captain sits here you know Brian Regan told me not to buy a big house he said don't do it. He goes, it's not good for your family.

He was like, I know you want it. I know you feel like you deserve it. But he goes, trust me, I got the big house, and then we all separate. Yeah, your kids are on the west wing. Your wife's on the east wing. And now the girls are a little older, too. They want their privacy. George is in her room.

I was in her room. Leanne's always moving around. And then I just end up in this house by myself. And granted, I've only been there like maybe three and a half weeks tops. But I just end up sitting in this house going like, I miss. And then you go, Georgia! Georgia! Georgia!

And she goes, what the fuck do you want? I said I was been yelling to you. I've always said I would rather have a small house that's, like, tricked out. You know, a smart home with the temperature and the lights and the this and the that. I don't do smart homes. Why not? I don't do it. You and Gilbert?

He doesn't do it either? Yeah. I can't. I can't. And, like, I speak like I have the option. I don't. But, like, I wouldn't want, like, something where I can control everything or say something out loud

I like not only that I just want it to be heated air conditioned heated floors and windows the blinds go up and down

you're just describing you described heat air conditioning heated floors so our house is a smart house and you can go in

and like right now I can turn the jacuzzi on yeah and then I can go in and go to Sonos and I can play the music. Oh, even Sonos. Bluetooth's not a real technology, Bert. Don't fall for it. What does Bert stand for?

Albert. Albert. Yeah. What did you fucking think it was? Bertrude? Bert will be, and then Bert will be. Bert will be. Bertrude is what my daughters call me. My daughters call me Bertrude? Bertleby and then Bertrude. Bertleby. Bertrude is what my daughters call me.

My daughters call me Bertrude. And then Robert. I also thought Robert. Albert wouldn't have been a top five guess. Really? Oh, yeah. I'm a hardcore Albert. I'm a hardcore Albert.

I'm looking for my balls. Yeah, let's get into it. So what has, have you been keeping an eye on this? I'll show you the full video. I wonder if I have the video. Yeah, to see those things in motion. I mean, it's been a saga. I think like four episodes in a row,

the title has been something about your balls on my show. I actually had a moment where I was like, I think we have to stop this. Like personally, like maybe legally, morally, professionally, all of this has to end. But, I mean, we've discussed having long balls at length often on our show. And then I really thought.

I sit on my balls all the time. I sit on my balls. You must sit on your balls like. And I don't wear underwear. Right. That's why I guess. Were your balls was this a particularly long day or this is common they're always like that no so i never knew they

were like this i'm trying to figure out the date i should have just sent cigar the whole video but i don't trust him well i mean did you know you yeah he just said do you have a picture of your balls you had to have known he was showing somebody, but I mean, it was like, bam, bam. You know what I mean? He got it, sent it to me. I didn't know that I can just scroll and I'll find it. I think it was before Green Bay, I think. I didn't know they were that long.

I always knew I had long balls. I remember one time. I used to think. And then you came along. Oh, yeah. Scratch him out. I hooked up with a girl in New York who was a waitress. And I remember we used to, I was at the club I worked at,

and we used to mess around and get naked during work. What a sentence! We used to mess around and get naked. Are you talking about having sex or just having fun? Just having fun. It started with, she was like, we were doing coke, and she goes, I think I want to masturbate tonight. And I was like-

Where is this again? New York City. Oh, we're in New York. But like where? Boston Comedy Club. Okay. But you're on stage working, or you're working the... At what point in your career is this?

This is – I'm getting close to finding this video. I think I found it. Okay. I'm in the right territory. Make sure to favorite this shit next time. Put it in your favorites album. I'm in the right territory. Hold on.

So we were in New York City. I used to work at the boston comedy club and um this girl was like uh yo do you want to i think we were doing coke and she was like um i i want to mask i think i want to masturbate tonight and i was like what do you mean she's like i don't know i'm just like you ever get horny on coke and i was like yeah, yeah. And she had a boyfriend and I was like, I was like, um, well,

what are you gonna masturbate at work? She was like, I don't know, maybe. And I was like, wait, okay. Can we,

can we do this? And I'm like, I'm like, you're sharing it with me. Right. And she was like, do you want to masturbate? And I was like,

together? And she was like, yeah, maybe. And I was like, okay. And so, hell yeah,

man. a masturbate off on coke This is better And I was like, okay. And so we were- Hell yeah, man. Bro, a masturbate off on coke is like- You were there for like six hours. I found the video. So I go, I said, I go, I was like, so we try, like, we'd come back. And I was like, I was like, I can't just like, I need to be hard. I just can't just get hard. And I was working the door at the club. So I'd walk back in and then she she would just show me her tits.

And then I'm like, oh, wow, okay, that works. And then I came back one time. Oh, I feel like I'm going to do a lot more than that. She's like, there was behind the bar, there was a little dishwashing thing in the side. And she's like, hey, can you come here and help me get something? And she's got her pants around her ankles, and I'm like, holy fuck. And so I was like, okay. But again, no chance of hooking up. This is like, holy fuck. And so I was like, okay. But again,

no chance of like hooking up. This is like, you're just going to masturbate. Just going to masturbate together. And so, and so, and we're partying, like we're drinking a little bit

and I haven't even done my set yet. So I still have to work, right? Right. So I do my set and then she, it was, it was so much fun,

like just fucking around like that. And like, and then she, she's the first person to say I had long balls. I was, you want to talk about a roll of the dice? I had my pants on my ankles. I was like, hey, can you come here and help me with something? And I'm like, Godfrey is going to walk around the corner and be like.

And she was like, oh, my God. And I was a little chubbed, but she was like, you have very long balls. And I was like, I do? She was like, no, it's good. But I was like, anything big down there is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so she was the very first person to tell me that. And then I never really thought anything.

I've never thought about them. I mean, but all the kids I grew up with, we grew up naked. Like, we're like, being naked in front of each other wasn't a big deal. And then being like, taking shifts in front of each other. And everyone had big balls. Everyone either had big balls. Big or long balls? Big. I don't even know if they were big.

Yeah. You have normal size balls. They just, the sack just hangs. I don't know. I'll show them to you right now. Okay. So this is like, my dream is coming true. This has been my crusade.

I'm trying to make sure I don't me too her. So excited. Yes, I want to hear those things clopping. Okay, here we go. Ready? These are my testicles. I'm trying to fit in this bathroom. Dude, your hands... Put it in perspective.

I mean, if you look at these testicles, right? If you look at these testicles... Dude, they are... They're longer in motion than... I mean, if you look at these testicles, right? If you look at these testicles. Dude, they're longer in motion. That second ball. You also have one on top, one on the bottom. Yeah, one on top and one on the bottom. The top one would be long.

Like, that would be long. But the bottom one is, like, touching the knees. I mean, those are almost to my knees. Yeah. And when you pull your pants up, you realize that, like, that's got to be, like, below your back pocket. You know what I mean? When you pull the pants up. No. I was thinking about. I showed it to a girl.

I mean that. Look at that. I showed it to a girl without prefacing that it was from behind. Yeah. So she thought she was getting from the front. Yeah. And she goes, we're speedies. By the way, not that big.

Can I tell you? I swear to God. So I was pissing. We had a private jet, but of course I'm a cheapskate, so you couldn't fit in the bathroom. In the bathroom, I had my balls and dick in my hand to piss like this. They're holding. Wait, you were pissing from the back?

No, I was pissing like this. You had to hold your balls. Oh, you couldn't stand up. And then as I got done, I just bent over. And what happened is they, like a horse, they got caught between the legs. And they just, I mean, when they showed them to me, I went, no way. And then now I can't stop doing it to Leanne. I go, I go, Hey, are these long?

And she's like, stop. It's disgusting. But it's weird. She's just finding out she's known that you know she's known i've had long balls since since she first fucked you if she thinks yeah bert what i've never asked about genitalia with her because i met one of her boyfriends one time and he had the biggest fucking hands i didn't know it was her boyfriend her ex-boyfriend and i was like whoa the grip on this fucking guy.

How big's his hog, huh? And then someone goes, ask Leanne, and I go, oh, fuck. And then I spiraled out, and I got drunk, and I started to fight. Like a man. True man. Those, that looked like a dick and balls, like, going. Pull that up one more time. You should see my buddy Kamen's balls.

Who's this? Kamen, his balls were fucking massive. But the length is really what. Now, are they always like that? How do I? Oh, here it is. Is that in your, is that their natural position? No.

Yeah, like, they get smaller and shit. So that to me looks like a dick and balls going up in almost. It's crazy. It looks like a dildo with balls. Because the back sack looks like a penis. That looks like a shaft on top. It does look like a shaft. It looks like a dick and balls was putting it in between your legs. I mean, that is definitely, what would you say well i can measure it that's like 10 inches that is 10 inches do you

think women find that sexy yeah i do and that's that's something i've had to convince myself every single morning for 15 years there is no way like balls are tolerated by women as are dicks to be honest yeah yeah i think it's like we'll we'll we'll we'll deal with it if i could be gay if i could fuck a ken doll yeah it's just the personality yeah oh i've said forever i would be gay if i could just deal with dick and like I could fuck a dick. I would be gay. Zach's gay. Zach just keeps laughing. If I could like suck and fuck dicks,

I would be gay in a heartbeat. I know that's the problem. Therein lies the problem. I could be Jewish if I just didn't have the hate crimes and stuff. I wouldn't mind being black if just not getting pulled over. No. Dude, that...

I said to one of my buddies... So all my buddies growing up are all like Trump supporters and all pretty conservative dudes who don't get... They get my... Not all my buddies, but some of my buddies,

especially college buddies. So we went out fishing with one of my college buddies who's a politician, Republican, and him and all his friends. And they're all like good old boys. And they don't really get my personality about like – I wouldn't even say I'm progressive. But the fact that I don't have a problem joking about being gay or even toying with the idea of going like so i said to them he goes you have that joke you told that last night about you and your buddy tom if you guys were gay and uh and what what you do to each other sexually and i was like oh yeah i go it's just a joke and he was like no no no no

no me and my buddy did the same thing on the boat one day and we were like what and he was like yep we figured it out three blowjobs a year that's all we'd have to get. I was like, what? And he goes, my birthday, his birthday, Valentine's day. That's it. And he was like, and then, and then he was like, and we, you know, combine your incomes, take a look at that, cut your mortgage in half. You got great watch game. You got great car game. And we were like, I was like, Jesus Christ, man, you've more than I have. I mean, they live the best life. It's incredible. You know what else is great about being gay?

Like back in the day when it was hard and you couldn't be out, it really was like if you meet someone in a club or whatever, like you got to fuck this guy tonight because, you know, you have to take your opportunities when you can. Oh, yeah. Now that's not really the case, but they still just fuck each other or whatever. You know what I mean?

It's like you don't really have to do it like this anymore, but you guys, you keep playing that card and it's very smart. The first gay. Yeah, Zach, get a mic. First of all,

I love straight-splaining Kevin right now. How great it is to be gay, which it is. I was going to say, so fuck you. Well, no, I mean,

we're just more fun, that's why. Yeah, you're fun, you got better style, you're, you know better style you're you know you're not weighed down by all this straight shit

first of all the thing that sucks about being gay is other gay men facts thank you other gay men someone finally has

my back on this podcast other gay men would be insufferable to like cause they they're holding you to a standard that is

a beauty standard that is somewhat completely unachievable because you've got to compete against all of these dudes. Thank you, Bird. We found this guy. Paulina Gretzky and Dustin Johnson posted a video, a picture of the day on Halloween.

With them and Trump? Yes, but did you see the guy? Look at this fucking guy. I mean, that's offensively handsome. Dude. That's like, how are we supposed to compete? Well, we don't because he's gay, but you know, it's like women are going to look at that. How am I supposed to compete, Kevin? Yeah, you

must feel real bad about that. But I mean, you know, we're a different species than these guys. Guys like that, you know? We're not even the same species. the thing is I have a body that a woman will settle for

like a woman looks at my body my wife looks at my body and she was like looked at me and was like it's okay I'll take it

I bet he's gonna be reliable I bet he won't cheat I have a body face bank account personality that a woman

settles for I have nothing that you're like no gay man looks at me and goes, I need that in my mouth now. No, none. None. None. There's not one gay guy that looks at me and goes, I remember

when I moved here, I really didn't know anything about gay dudes at all. I moved here and the first gay guy the first club I went to was in the meatpacking district. First night I was here. I go out with these people. One guy was the editor of Us.

And then it was his kind of on and again, off again girlfriend who I was kind of sublet from. And they took me to the meatpacking district. And I watched a dude fuck another dude in the ass. In a club? In a club. And I was like. Welcome to New York, motherfucker. I couldn't stop staring there was a guy the first like legit gay guy

that entered my brain and never left was this guy who was walking around in like a thong and he had and that was it and he had starting at his heels

and getting progressively bigger until his two ass cheeks. And I was like, that is fucking magic. I have to look. I think about that guy all the time. It's been what, decades? And then I met a guy,

I want to say his name was Andrew, but he worked at Barnes and Nobles with me. And he just came out of the closet. He was from Omaha. And I was like, he's like, what brought you to New York? And I said, comedy. And I said, what are you here for?

And he goes, to be gay. And I was like, what? He goes, I was gay and I graduated college and I just was like, I'm lying about who I am. I'm going to go somewhere I can be who I am. And he was like, are you having fun? And he was like, dude, I get fucked fucked every night can you imagine how awesome that must be to be in the closet for your first 18 20 whatever years and then you move to a place that's acceptable and fun and you're

just like oh dude this is awesome i almost wish i was in the closet so i could experience that feeling dude coming out of the closet must be must feel really good. Really? It's got to be really good. Hold on. Let's do this. This is the way my brain works. I want everything in life. So let's find a thing we can come out of the closet. It's not going to be homosexuality, but what

can we come out of the closet as? Can I tell you what I want to come out of the closet as? Fat. Fat? And go, I'm not denying it anymore. You guys all knew it. You guys all knew it. You knew it. At Thanksgiving, I of the closet as fat. Fat? And go, I'm not denying it anymore. You guys all knew it. You guys all knew it. You knew it. At Thanksgiving, I pretended I wasn't fat.

I was like, it's like being gay. The whole family knows it. But now I'm going to come out as fat and go, you know what, guys? I'm fat. And they're like, we've done it for a while. I was like, no, but now I'm cool with it. And I'm just going to be fat. I am who I am.

Find the thing to come out as. Everyone already knew it, but you come out as it. That is great. Guys, I want to let you guys know I'm an alcoholic. And they're like, yeah, we know. No, no, no. Now I'm cool with it. Now I'm cool with it.

I might take that one. You can have fat. I'll grab alcoholism. That feeling of, yeah, of just acceptance. Of accepting yourself. Yeah, yeah. You're such a Of accepting yourself. Yeah, yeah. You're such a good fat, though. Thank you.

Like, you, the way, like, I would rather be you than you. See, you haven't come out of style yet. You're still a fat. You're still a fat. That didn't hit so well. Yes. You are still in the closet. I think they call it in the fridge.

I'm coming out of the fridge. I'm fat. You have a body. Like, I am skinny fat, so I'm lumpy and rolly. You're just like. Oh, my cousin's skinny fat. You've got kind of like a barrel chested. You're bigger.

And I'm like skinny and scrawny and baggy. I'd rather be that. It's the Jim Morrison fat. Like Jim Morrison got a belly to him. Yeah. Got muffin tops and rolls. You're just rounder. Yeah.

I'm starting to get old man fat right now. Like I can see it, and I start going. Oh, my God. What are your balls going to be like? Oh, my God. When I'm an old man, I'm going to have to wear like I'm going to have to wear

like fucking cowboy boots to keep them out off the floor I mean I have I remember I think everybody kind of has a story like this

but I remember a guy at the gym do we have a tape measure let's measure each other's balls real quick from bending over from behind would you measure

I mean you're more comfortable touching men. Am I sexually harassing him? Probably. Just like borderline, I hate crying. Probably. We can find a rule. I'll measure my own.

We'll do the iPhone. I remember the time I had an old... I just started stressing mine out, man. An old man who put his leg up at the gym and was like blow-d drying his balls sort of thing. When you're that age, those things. You're going to need to wear a jockstrap everywhere you go. It's so funny.

I wonder if I should just start wearing jockstraps. Because I like. Yeah. Because I like. The support? No, I like being naked. I like the thinness of not wearing underwear. I don't feel bunched up because I have tactile issues.

So there's only certain shirts I wear. There's only certain shoes I wear. I'm always in flip-flops. I can't wear certain socks. My socks need to be on my feet a certain way. Right, right, right. I'm not someone who can just have a loose sock and it bunches up in their toes. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah

what kind of animal are you but and i stopped wearing underwear because i i remember just feeling like crunched up with uh with like too many clothes on yeah yeah i get it was in florida well what kind of where you going like i remember i used to wear boxer shorts, not briefs, and it's just material, bunched up under jeans and shit. And I was like, I at least got to streamline this, but you just did away with it. I mean, this is going to sound very romantic, but I fell in love with the idea of boxer briefs. When I was 10 years old, I saw cool kids had shorts with boxers hanging out the bottom.

It was like a look. There was boxers. Wait, maybe I'm thinking the wrong thing. At the bottom? We had Paco jeans where they were coming out the top. No, no, no. This is 1982, 83.

Cool dudes, high schoolers, cool dudes. Not a real ruler, but I figured it would work. No, there are not. Yeah, it's got a notch on it. Cool dudes would have boxers hanging out of their, like the guys on the basketball team, the boxers would hang out the bottom of their shorts. Oh, I guess what I'm working out, I have that.

Yeah. That makes more sense. Compression shorts. No, no, no. Boxers. Boxers. Not even briefs? Boxers.

Boxer briefs. A boxer. No, boxer shorts. The shorts. Let me. I wish I could remember their names, but it was like the cool look. And let me see, boxers. By the way, while I look at this here and I see seven inches, I'm just like, no way, man.

No way. Are you kidding me? Some people walk around with that, you know? What's seven inches? This is seven inches right here. And I was just like thinking to myself about, you know, how's that? That's what I got. I got seven inches on the cough if you push all the way to the pubic bone

yeah if you fucking sword in the stona so I mean what are we what are we measuring from like the the back

or the front I don't know I don't know how I'm gonna follow Bert's lead on this I say here's what we do I say we we

take it this is something let me I'm now I'm trying to get them all yeah me too I want to Here's what we do. I say we take it. This is something. Now I'm trying to get them along. Yeah, me too. I want to make sure. Jackie's not in here. She knows to not come in?

I told her to go set up ATI even though it was set up. Here's how consent works. I don't want to ask you, is it okay to see me naked? You have to say out loud, Bert, I really want to see you naked. We've learned how consent works. I don't want to ask you, is it okay to see me naked? You have to say out loud, Bert, I really want to see you naked. We've learned how consent works. So let's go around the room. Bert, I really want to see you naked. Bert, I really want to see you naked. Bert, I really want to see you naked.

Bert, I really want to see you naked. Let's measure some balls. Hold on. They're cold. Yeah, I know. They're cold. They're cold right now. Yeah, I know. Mine are hot. Mine are cold. Dude, mine are like, oh, hang on.

It's like. Mine are too cold. Mine are too cold. I'm having a good ball day. I'm having a really good ball day. Listen, I want to show you what good ball day looks like, okay? Good ball day. I'm going to give you a time to come to the back.

They are so. That's good ball day right there. That's the bowling, right? You literally like a kitten pawing a toy. I'm so embarrassed. This is my balls are up my face. I love that we just decided to do this from behind. I like that behind is the best one.

I gotta come over here and see it from behind. Yeah, but we... I wanna see you naked. And we're gonna do this on camera? Yeah, why not? What are you going to do? You're doing it. Bend over more.

Bend over more. Bend over more. Yours are pretty long. I got long balls. I got long balls. It's a long ball. I got long balls. It's a long ball. All right. Come around. Oh

Dude if I don't fucking match up if I don't get a long ball Yeah, you got some swag. Bend over more. Try to pick something up off the ground. I mean, look how much fun we'd have every day. Is this what it's like? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's often bending over, but it's not quite like this. Oh, what a moment.

Dude, I'm so happy it ended this way because you got to understand from my point of view to send a text to you being like, Hey, can I see your balls and just get nothing back? I was like, Oh no. I was like, I've crossed a line.

He's never going to fucking come in here again. And I was, and then, and then we put this show out and I was like, he's crossed a line. He's never going to fucking come in here again. And then we put this show out, and I was like, he's got to say something, tweet back or something, nothing. I was like, oh, God, I talked about this man's balls too much. What have I done? No, what happened is when we did the episode, my camera guy gave Tom's guy the footage. And I went, what are you doing? And he goes, well, they wanted it. And I go, yeah are you doing? He goes, well, they wanted it.

I go, yeah, that's me naked. When people go, hey, I want pictures of Burt naked, you can't just give them. He goes, that's a fair request. That's a fair request, I think. My assistant does not understand the dynamics of all how long we've known each other and how fucked up we are. He goes, wait, I couldn't do that?

And my assistant goes, what, give nudes of another person to another person against their consent? He's like, no, you're not allowed to do that. He was like, do we need to explain that? He was like, what, I just figured. And I was like, no. My cameraman has a whole folder of me. Oh, he must have.

A treasure trove. And he keeps them because they make him laugh. Like, we did one where I can't remember what he kept saying. It's inexcusable. We were in a lake in Texas, and I thought it would be funny. He was on the drone. So I was swimming in the middle of the lake, and then he was in the drone. And I was like, bring the drone all the way down to me.

And I took my pants off, and I laid on my back. Now, obviously, a dick's buoyant, so it's pointing up. So all you're seeing is the circumference of the dick. You don't see dick hanging. It's just the circumference of the dick. The topography. That's amazing. Hey, mans!

Mans! Mans! Is he out there? I was probably in the green room. Oh, man. Man. Man. Is he out there? I was in the green room. Oh, yeah. I can text Jordan to say. He kept saying he couldn't stop laughing. He goes, it's inexcusable.

You have no excuses. I think he actually saved it under his computer. His bird has no excuses. But it was buoyant. You know what happened to me again on facebook i um i streamed i streamed live i was streaming live on facebook and i put and i was i was like hey i'm i always i always get go my pool naked and i was like i'm going naked in my pool um if you guys and then and then someone's like you're not naked and i was, I am. And I was just trying to show them from where I could see the ledge was here,

where I was. It wasn't the ledge I was seeing. It was the shadow of the ledge. The ledge was way down there. So I walked back on Facebook, totally naked, and I started posing naked on Facebook. If you Google it, you can find it you can find burt naked pool facebook and facebook doesn't fuck around with that shit right and no what

happened is i'm live streaming and my phone rings and i'm like who the fuck is this and i go on it's my manager and my manager's like you are streaming yourself naked right now burt has a question about his oh i said one it's the one in the middle. In the middle with the blue dot. Above it. I was... Oh, shit. I was...

He was describing the circumference of his dick floating in the... What did you keep saying? No excuses? Do I come over? Well, remember you were drunk and you kept laughing and you go, there's no excuse for this.

There's no excuse for this. I don't know, but it was when you were floating in the lake that time, it was like a little peanut, but it was face straight up. It was face straight up. So it was buoyant. It was the circumference of my dick. From the drone shot, you could barely, it didn't look like. Well, to be fair, a drone shot.

I mean, you know, geez. I should have put some weights and a bobber on my dick. It was like an iceberg. If you look down on an iceberg, it looks very cool. Do you have an official vlog? Or do you just have video that you... No, we... Because your social media is awesome with all this video content, but there should be...

There was something called Bert's Life or some shit. We're doing that now. We're shooting stuff. We did it for the pandemic, and then we never edited it. We did edit some, but they were too long. It was fun for us, but people loved it at first, and then we never edited it and we did edit some but they were too long and and it was like it was fun for us but like people loved it at first and then it kind of dropped off we're doing that now but then things are so like i don't know like one of the ones we were going to put out the other day literally the other day was meeting aaron rogers but it's aaron rogers coming to bus, hanging out for like an hour and a

half, and then- Getting vaccinated. And then leaving. And I was like, I don't want to put that out because I don't want to put more heat on Aaron because we weren't wearing masks. We were just bullshitting. That's part of the vlog game. The people who really do it well, they don't give a fuck about it.

They care about one thing, man, views and monetization. I care about, I care about my friendship with Aaron Rodgers. That is number one on my list.

Like, I texted him yesterday and I was like, hey man, whatever, you know, but like, and I know he's a private dude.

Bro, that was the funniest thing. I was listening to like whatever episode of Two Bears and it was like right after, so Tom had come in and I had said, Bert didn't write back to that thing. He was like, oh. I never reply. Right, but then on

Two Bears, you were talking about how nice the Packers were. He was like, I meet these guys. They're great. I got their numbers. I'm just texting with them. We're talking back and forth. I was like, God damn it. I should have talked about the ball. Do you have my new number though?

It's funny, there's a short list of people that immediately get textbacks. And Aaron Rodgers should be on the list. I don't have to be on that list. It's Joe... The people that... I don't text often. I don't text anybody ever.

That's my guy. I never. That's my guy. And, like, I FaceTime people. I just FaceTime people. Ah, never mind. I'm out of the boat. He's a rogue FaceTimer. Yeah, and so, ooh, nice, nice.

Hey, we got eight tickets for UFC tonight. Me and John will be there. It's supposed to be, like, the best UFC card, like, ever. So. Wait, uh... Wait, what time's your show? You can do both? Yeah, it's on at 10. Go upstairs.

Fucking swing by. Say hi to Joe. See if I can skinny up to Trump. Yeah. I'm going to do a big one like this. Fucking. That's the question. I put it to to everyone i put it to everyone on my tour i was like if we have a photo op with trump do we does any is anyone take it jesus trejo is obviously mexican and and so he's shane torres and jesus was like no and i was like really he goes birdman he's a bad dude yeah and bad dude and I was like but you're a comedian

don't you see all the fun in it and he was like no I don't and I was like but wouldn't he be mad about you doing it did you just peruse

their fucking merch store that's my number one stop I definitely gotta I changed my merch because of you guys yeah I love

my favorite fucking goddamn sweatshirts the one I grabbed here last time the camo hoodie with the barstool on the side. And I wear it. I promote barstool more than any one human being. We do appreciate it. I don't think it's on purpose or anything, but we see Bert in barstool a lot.

And then I started going, like, why wouldn't I wear my snippers? And so I just made merch like barstools. Merch is one thing that, like, we started out started out doing like silly t-shirts back in the day like for our local teams that we root for and it's just progressed to the point that like we just make clothing now we're a clothing company as much as we are anything else at this fucking genius i mean it's the whole uh i mean i don't know i'm a fan of the whole system here yeah the model it definitely it worked definitely worked out until my interview with caleb presley comes out and i look like a fucking racist sunday conversation i'm not sure i'm not sure that's gonna be a hey by the way

shout out to caleb can you guys just talk to him and make sure i don't look like an asshole well we can talk to him how long did you guys talk for? A while. Yeah. What did you think of Glennie? Was Glennie there? Love him. Glennie Balls is just like, he's like a pet.

He's like a golden retriever that's just by our side, hanging out. He's the man. He's the best. See, what you got to do with guys like that, because that was going to be my destiny. You know that, right? That's my destiny. You would be Glennie? That's me.

That's my destiny. That's me. That's me. If media hadn't caught up with where we were, I would just be a sidekick on a radio show. I'd be stunt boy. Right. Because that's who I am. It's like I am consistently looking for approval. I was written up in Rolling Stone as the number one party animal in the country. Right. You want to be the star of attention.

You want the party to like you. Yeah. But I got very lucky. I got really, really lucky and found stand-up and was good at it. Right. Not good, but good enough to... Yeah, good at it.

Good enough to be... want to keep doing it. Yeah. That's the key. You're good enough to be afforded the opportunity to get good at it. Because by now,

you're fucking good at it. And back then, you were good enough that people liked you and you could keep doing it and then you perfected it. I knew enough cheat codes. Right. How about Rosebud Baker? She's great. She's keep doing it, and then you perfected. I knew enough cheat codes. Right.

How about Rosebud Baker? She's great. She's so fucking funny, man. She's one of my favorite people. She's been coming through here for a while. She's just a fucking pit bull. When I heard that she was opening for you, I was so happy for her. So I have never allowed a girl on our bus.

Not even on our bus. Not even like, hey, my... I've had some friends from high school come on the bus, and my daughters have been on the bus, but I don't allow women on the bus. Technically, Rosebud doesn't even count. Even like, especially a comic, I would never allow a female comic on the bus, because

as Peter will attest, I do get naked a lot. I was going to say, because of what just happened. I get naked a lot, and I'm respectful. I tell everyone I'm getting naked. Don't look in the back, but I'm not going to I'm respectful. I tell everyone I'm getting naked. Don't look in the back, but I'm not going to fucking start shutting all the doors. Like, I'm getting naked. And I take showers on the bus.

We live on the bus. Right. And they were like, would you like Rosebud to Oprah? I think Rosebud is so fucking funny that I was like, all right, I'm willing to try it to see how it works. And I'm very candid with Rosebud. I was like, I was like, you're living on the bus with us. And like,

I can tell these guys what to do because, because it's the dynamic between men. I can be like, Hey, we're, we're not going anywhere tonight. We're going to stay in tonight. We're going to go out to dinner tonight.

Like I can make the rules cause I'm the boss. But with a woman, I feel weird telling them what to do. Yeah. Yeah. And so, uh, and so we got her on the bus.

And like the first night, I was like, we're in D.C. for the night. We did two shows, and I was like, I'll get you a hotel room so you can stay in a hotel room, and then we'll, you know, I don't want you to have to, you know. Sleep with a bunch of dudes. Yeah, I'm just trying to be respectful. Yeah. She's a married woman, and the next night we drive to Boston.

It was good. We had fun. Like everyone talked a little bit, but it's still feeling each other out. And then last night, I changed forever. I almost only want women on the bus. Rosebud, we started a joke. And it was like, it's because it's Rosebud. I mean, gender doesn't really fucking matter in this because Rosebud is just funny as fuck.

I said to them, it was my birthday, they put streamers all over the top of the bus. gender doesn't really fucking matter in this because it Rosebud is just funny as fuck. I, I said to them, they put, but it was my birthday. They put streamers all over the top of the bus, like all in the bus. And I said, is this,

who did this? And they're like, well, we got the PA to do it, but he fucked up originally. And then he got the streamers and I go, Oh, did you guys walk in the bus? And it's a bunch of women yelling.

And you looked at him and you're like, we said streamers, not screamers. It was like a dumb joke. Right. And then we continue to do that for an hour and a half. yelling and you looked at him and you're like, we said streamers, not screamers. It was like a dumb joke, right? Yeah. And then we continued to do that for an hour and a half. And all anyone did was sit and just, you watched everyone think of the next one to tell.

Oh, when you came in here, were there a bunch of people selling dime bags? And you were like, I said streamers, not misdemeanors. And it got to the point where we're in our bunks, and we're opening our curtains, and I'm like, dude, is it just a bunch of men's thighs? And you're like, I said streamers, not femurs, and we did it. And then Rosebud woke up, and she goes, I've been in my bunk thinking about it all morning. We had so much fucking fun. But that's a testament to Rosebud.

I'd tour with Rosebud any time. She is a, her and Andy as a comedy couple are something. Comedy couples. Let's rank them. You ready? Oh, boy. Well, they're my number one. They are my number one. Tom and Christina. I don't know. Rich, Voss, and Bonnie. Who are the comedy couples? Right now, not Mary, but you got Sam,

Marilla, and Taylor Tomlinson. Oh, that's a big one. That's a power couple. Yep. Rich and Bonnie. Tom and Christina. Oh, that's a big one. That's a power couple. Rich and Bonnie, Tom Christina, Annie Rosebud. Chris Rock and his wife. Ex-wife. By the way, Chris Rock's so funny that I'll take

it. Dude, well, he's snowed. Did you remember the joke he said? She's like the richest woman in comedy because of the divorce.

The 9-11 fund he did at MSG. He was like, my wife was the fourth highest earner. My ex-wife was the fourth highest earner in comedy last year. I was sitting in bed today going like, I have painted myself in a corner with my wife. Like, I cannot, even if I'm unhappy in my marriage, which luckily I'm not, if I was unhappy in my marriage, I cannot cheat on her because it will ruin my career. It will ruin

my career on such a huge fucking level that I thought I have fucked myself. I tell a joke about Leanne and they just start cheering and I'm like, you don't know her. What you've done is you john mulaney did so john mulaney had this relationship with that lady and i mean i didn't know i didn't know about his i didn't i wasn't that in into it but like when he broke up with her everyone

sided with her yeah and i had no idea what was going on yeah and i was like i was like i don't even think it was like but he like i I remember his bits where he's like, that's my wife! It was a big thing, part of the act. And she... And I think that people look at Olivia Munn and they're like, eh, sideways at her. And then I started going.

I was laying in bed and I was like, alright, so who do I take the hit for? Like, which girl cheating or whatever would be worth the divorce? Who do I go, okay. Well, if people joke like that girl's ruined your life hot, that's what you're talking about. Yes, and I was sitting there and I was like, now, I'd be devastated.

If I fucked up one night and it was just some hot chick and she just, there's a certain momentum that happens. I've cheated before, never on certain momentum that happens i've cheated before never on my wife i've cheated there's a momentum that can happen where you start watching yourself not say no i've always caught myself i've been very good you want to hear a good story well you're always good story 100 true i'll call my buddy cowhead to prove it so i go on my buddy cowhead screws mike cowhead cowhead is mike cowhead's name is Mike Cowhead. Cowhead? Cowhead. Mike Cowhead is his name. He's the biggest radio guy in Florida.

Okay. And he's out of Tampa. And he goes, hey, come on my cruise. I'm a young comic at the time. I'm not a young comic. It's whatever. It's 10 years ago or whatever. I'm not on Travel Channel.

I'm just doing comedy. And the first night there, there is a gorgeous blonde chick that's hanging out with all of us. Big tits. I mean, fucking hot. I'm married. I have two kids. Hot as fucking shit. And we all start laughing.

We're all telling jokes. We're all sitting at this piano bar. And I said something. I said, we're talking about goals out of the week. What do we want to accomplish or whatever? Whatever. She goes, oh, I know my goal, and that is to fuck you tonight. And I went, and we all laughed.

And she wasn't laughing. And I go, that's not happening. I'm married. And cowhead goes, he is the most faithful man I know. Out of all the men I know, that is the most faithful man I know. And he goes, and she goes, we'll see. And she's like, we'll put him to the test tonight. She's probably not used to that response at all.

And so we're all hanging out, and she's getting close to me, and she's rubbing up against me, rubbing side tit on me, and I'm just like, and by the way. And you're with Leanne at this point, or just a different girl? Leanne's not on the cruise. I'm married, I'm married. I'm a five-year-old and a seven-year-old and by the way. And you're with Leanne at this point or just a different girl? No, Leanne's not on the cruise. Okay. She's not on the cruise. But I mean, you're. I'm married. I'm married.

I'm a five-year-old and a seven-year-old at the time. Right, right, right, yeah. And so she is all over me. I mean, all over me. And it's innocent and I'm letting it happen. It's not. It's not. No, but like just like we're all partying.

We're having a good time. Dancing. She sits over next to me. Yeah. She keeps making jokes. She's not touching me inappropriately, but we're around a good time dancing she sits over next to me yeah she keeps making jokes she's not touching me inappropriately but we're around each other right um she keeps saying it and i keep saying it's not gonna happen at the end of the night i go all right i'm going to bed and she goes that's my call and i go hey for real and in front of everyone i go i sincerely appreciate it you've made me feel like a million bucks tonight yeah but uh but i i'm not i don't cheat on my wife.

And she goes, we're going to find out. And I went, what? And she goes, I'll walk you to your room. And I was like, I go, don't. This is a challenge. I go, don't. And she goes, my room's right by yours. I'm just going over there.

So I get out, and she's following me. We get into the elevator. And she's sitting across from me, and she's like, how about this? How about you just let me into your room and I'll suck your dick. And I go, I can't. I said, I'm married. She said, uh, I give great blow jobs. And I'm like, I bet you do. I go, I really appreciate it. She follows me to the door of my, my cabin. And I get there and I said, listen to me, I I'm being sincere. I do not cheat on my cabin. And I get there and I said, listen to me, I'm being sincere. I do not cheat on my wife. I appreciate all the fun. I don't know if it was a joke or not. I appreciate all of this. I feel like a million bucks, but this is where this ends. I said, I'm going into my room and I'm going to go to bed. And she said, and I'm going to stand in

front of this door until you open it. And when you open it, I'm going to come in and I'm going to suck your dick. I'm going to swallow it. And, I'm going to come in and I'm going to suck your dick. I'm going to swallow it. And then I'm going to leave. And I'm like, okay. So I go in the room and I shut the door. I grab a beer.

I sit crisscross applesauce at the door and I stare at her feet. Staring at her feet, staring at her feet. And they're not going anywhere. I murder the beer. And then I go, I'm going to get so drunk that I pass out right now. So then I don't do anywhere. I murder the beer, and then I go, I'm going to get so drunk that I pass out right now so that I don't do anything.

I grab the beer, I murder it, take a shot, take a shot, and I'm just staring at those feet, and I'm going, go fucking leave, just fucking leave. I walk out the next morning asleep at that fucking door, and the first thing I do is her feet still here. I get out that day. It's unbelievable. I go to the pool

and she's there. I mean, better than like cool tattoos all over her. And I'm just like, oh my God. And I go up and she goes

and everyone's like smiling. They're like, what happened? She's like, nothing. She's like, that's a good man right there. And then she comes over

and sincerely apologizes. She goes, I apologize for my behavior last night. Yeah. Think about reverse, man, you know. Yeah. I'm standing outside this door until you let me in to eat your pussy. And then she starts hooking up with this other dude, and I got jealous as fuck.

Yeah. That's my girl, man. That's my girl. That's my cruise girlfriend. Come on. I was going to fucking call Leanne. I was like, you suck. Does Leanne, I mean, Leanne probably doesn't even like,

doesn't even think about these chicks that could be on tour or anything anymore. She just knows. She has no care. She is so blindly confident that I won't cheat on her. Right, right. So blind, and like, and so that's what made me, I mean, we had a girl sneak on my tour bus one time. Sneak on my tour bus and hide in the back. Wow. And we found her, and my cousin Andrew was like, what the fuck were you planning on doing?

Yeah. She was like, well, I figured when Bert came back here, I was just going to just see if he'd fuck me. And I was like, you didn't see any of my show tonight. And I was like, you have to leave. By the way, she leaves, and my tour bus driver, Ron, black dude, I love him to death. He goes, God damn it. And I go, what?

And he goes, you just said no to that? She was actually, whatever. I mean, it wasn't great, but she's stuck on a tour bus. And I said, yeah, Ron. He was like, man, day later, we're driving down in Fort Myers and he goes, Bert, I figured out why you're a man of good fortune. I said, why? And he goes, cause you say no to all that pussy.

I said, it's, it's yeah, I guess so. And he goes, I don't know how you do it. I said, it's easy, Ron. You just say no. You just have one answer and it's no. And just never not say no just know what you're gonna say and he goes

no don't know how you do it he goes man this job ruined my first marriage and I go you're not famous you're just

a bus driver and he turns around from the bus seat and he goes you'd be shocked what a bitch will do for a Nelly headband you'd be shocked what a bitch will do for a Nelly headband.

You'd be shocked what a bitch will do for a Nelly headband. He goes, I got a long list of shit bitches don't do, and that's where my list starts. I said, bitch, what won't you do right now? Because that's what I want. Man, on tour, though, like roadies and groupies and all that, I mean, yeah.

Sure. I mean, there's been... Bus drivers and all that. I mean, yeah, sure. I mean, there's been. I'm sure the bus drivers fucking clean up. Whatever's left over, sure. I've had such. I remember two girls took me to, in D.C. I was with Taylor Thomason, and I said, I say these two girls want to go to strip clubs. Do you want to go with us? And Taylor's like, I do not.

Oh, my God. And I was like, they're lesbians. It's cool. We'll go. So we get there. Taylor went? No, Taylor Bales, of course. No chance.

So we go there, and it's like we're doing the DCM prop. It's fun. I go with those beautiful girls. We go to the strip club. I've always been allowed to go to strip clubs. And I go to the bathroom, and I sit down, and they have a drink for me. And I take a sip of the drink, and it tastes funny, and I go, oh, my God.

By the way, I'm wearing an expensive watch, and I'm like, oh, my God. They're going to fucking drug me and roll me, and I was like, oh, they also think I'm the kind of guy that's trying to fuck them, and then I just got up. I took the drink over to the bar, gave it to the bartender. I go, please give me a new drink. I got a new drink, sat down, had one drink with him, and I fucking left. I was like, oh, shit.

That's the thing you get yourself into where you start to not being able to say no. Right, right, right. So then what? Why didn't you leave right away? I finished the drink. You're like, I still want your drink. I wanted the drink. I was nervous because I was like, I didn't know if. I wanted the drink. I was like, I know I was nervous

because I was like, I didn't know what they've been giving. I didn't know if it was anything in it. So I wanted to be around people. I told the bartender to keep an eye on me.

So then today in the thing, I'm going, all right, so who is the chick? Where you go, where you go, I implode. And I'm trying to think.

And so like, there's a short list. Would it be famous? Oh, it has to be. Oh, it has to, there's a short list. Would it be famous? Oh, it has to be. Oh, okay.

It has to be famous and very rich. Yeah. It has to be famous and very rich because I'm giving up my career. I'm giving up all of it. Right. And like, there are women that I have seen in person where you go, that's actually a no brainer. Like,

like that's a, like I'll tell you right now. Regular ass women? No. Oh, no, no, no.

I need them. No, but for me, I need, I'm losing my career. i need you to i need you to one commit to me forever oh so you're talking like now you're sure about my two yeah but that's it yeah it's never gonna happen so this isn't the scenario okay there's one woman i saw in person there's a couple i won't say in one name but there's one one of my saw in person that I, I, um, she touched me and, and I, and, and I said to myself, okay, this

is the one you blow it up for without a doubt. Probably one of the most perfect women I've ever seen in my life. And everybody would know who this is, right? Oh, are you going to tell her? I'll tell you, I'll tell you. Wait, you guys first. But in this scenario, she would have to, we'd have to have a friendship. I have to get to know her.

Like get to know her. Right. And then she, at one point would have to be like, Hey, I have fallen head over heels in love with you. I'm leaving my husband because I can't think of anything but you. And I just want to know if you have mutual feelings for me. And then, and at this point I'd be like well i of course everyone does everyone does okay yes and you met her i met and she's married that was a key i was i was not going

to get some married and by the way she has also invited me and my daughters and my wife to go see a show so oh to go see a show. Yeah. In Vegas. So she's a... By the way, this woman has no intention of this because she was very kind and reached out and was like, hey, if you guys want to come see a show, I'd love to comp the tickets, bring the girls. By the way, I've led into this so hard. Mariah Carey?

No. Britney? Britney? No. No, Britney's just got engaged. Shit. Is it Gaga? No. Celine Dion? Who has a fucking Vegas... No, I's just got engaged. Is it Gaga? No.

Celine Dion? Who has a fucking Vegas? No, I've met Celine Dion. She just had one show in Vegas? No, I think she's doing a run there. I mean, this woman... Who the fuck burned in fucking Vegas? When I saw her, I actually called my wife and I said...

Gwen Stefani? Boom. Wow. Gwen Stefani is awe-inspiringly beautiful. I mean, just, and I'm talking every part of her body is perfect. I'm not even fucking around her fingernails, her hands, her skin on her forearms is blissful. But she got work done, right? I don't give a fuck. Doesn't get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was the sweetest human being. And where you go, where you go, oh, yeah, I'd pull the pin. When you say this, would Leanne go to a show with you with this, knowing all this? Oh, yeah, because Leanne's like, good luck. Whatever, yeah. Leanne would probably go,

I'll give you a pass. See if you can beat out Blake Shelton. She's going to go from Blake Shelton to that. Blake Shelton just released the song that he sang, she'd never heard it before, on their wedding day. Oh, wow.

And it's a brand new song that he invented, which I don't think is a cool move. I think that's a lame move. To drop an unreleased song at your own wedding? Yeah. I think you're putting too much pressure on me. If my wife was like, here, I got a song for you, I'd be like, oh, God. Oh, just sit there and listen to it and react? I've never even heard this.

Are you fucking kidding me right now? I got to smile and laugh and cry and all that. There's so much anxiety. I don't know the lyrics. My family, like, oh, yeah, it was beautiful. What if I hate this fucking song? Charlize Theron. She's one. Charlize Th's there on charlie's there on you gotta type i got i definitely i mean i i saw charlie's there on uh in that the latest fast and furious movie yeah was that what it is oh yeah she just looked the one where she's in the

box the whole time in the glass box box? Yes. Yeah, buddy. What's the girl's name? Fucking. Who's the? I was going to say Rihanna. Rihanna was just what I had on my mind. She does not fit your prototype. Margot Robbie?

Boom. Boom. It's got to be a millionaire. It's got to be a millionaire. It's got to be a millionaire. And Margot Robbie is pretty fucking astounding. Apparently blonde. I'm going to shift gears. Oh, if I'm cheating on my wife, I'm going.

I'm not going to get someone. I'm not going to go to fucking someone who looks like her. Fuck, I've already got that. Oh, Camille Kostic. Who is that? That's Gronk's girl. Gronk's girl. I need her

to have her own money she's on the conference board she's doing pretty good the are you a big Fast and Furious guy no

the first one I saw was Fast and Furious 9 what and I was like jumped right in I could not stop laughing I was like this is a franchise

they went to space in a fucking Fiero Fiero you are missing you would love I know I am I know I am

I know I am missing out and I know that you'd like that and I know that because I enjoyed Fast and Furious 9 and I said to I was with the executive producer of my movie

and he was like he was like if you enjoyed this you would love the franchise and I was like why haven't I watched this he's like it just

well in the beginning it's actually kind of like a real movie there's like a why haven't I watched this? He's like, it just... Well, in the beginning, it's actually kind of like a real movie. There's like a plot to it, and now it's just for fun basically, but in the beginning, it's... They went to Ludacris, and Tyrese went to space in scuba suits in a Fiero. And I was...

Fat Astronauts is going to have... Fat Astronauts is going to put that to shame, brother. Well, now that we know where the parameters of believability are. You've never done guests on Two Bears, have you? We can guest hosts, right? No. Yeah, you sound like if you're out. We'll do guest hosts.

But people, I mean, all we hear is how people don't want to see guest hosts. Yeah, we go back and forth where sometimes it's like people love hearing that we have a solo episode with just us, but then sometimes the numbers bear out. Oh, no. We don't have... I think we did it where we didn't have to have guests.

We did one with Warren Sapp, and you could tell the energy was... Our energy was different. But if you had, like, if you had, you know, you two and Shane Gillis were on an episode, you two and Dan Soder,

you two and Chris, I mean, it would be fucking hysterical. You don't need to by any means, but. But here's the thing is that, like, my comfortability with Tom is very vulnerable. Yeah. And, like, I don't know. You guys do have a good mix of, like, talking about real things. I'm not certain I would share everything with other comics. 100%.

Or, like, I am very comfortable with Tom saying horrific things about me to me. And with another comic joining in, I may go like, I feel like I'm getting bullied. Because that would happen on Rogan sometimes. We do Rogan when all of us would get on. And there would be times where I'm like, that I would be like. Teaming up. Yeah, like Tom, Ori, and Joe are all making jokes about me. And I'm like, I'm just like I'm not teaming up yeah I like Tom Ari and Joe are all making jokes about me and I'm like I'm just sitting there going okay fuck you guys yeah but but and I

but I know they all love me but then I go I go but the guy listening thinks he can do that and I'm like hey man I don't fucking know you right and so uh that's why I think that's why you're a good podcaster because what you think you're a better stand-up or a better podcast better podcaster way better podcaster I think I'm better at like I think my strong suit but if you had to give up one

like if you could only do one which would you do? Same money? No well just I don't know what's more lucrative for you? Whoa because I bet

it's not that stand-up right well stand-up the sky's kind of the limit because you can just like keep doing shows and shit but I bet if you're playing your cards's stand-up, right? Well, stand-up, the sky's kind of the limit because you can just keep doing shows and shit. But I bet if you're playing your cards right, podcasting can be. I think they are.

I think stand-up is more lucrative. Stand-up is more lucrative for me right now. For how much the bang for your buck. You could just sit and hang out with Tom and do two bears and the rates will keep going up and the downloads will keep going up. Whereas, I mean, you make a shit ton, but you earn it on stand stand-up travel in the country or away from your family you're on a fucking bus now i know you also enjoy a lot of that in the travel and the partying and shit but it's not like passive you can just hang out in that studio and bang them out and make a fuck ton maybe not the same but it's uh i'll tell you what ever since we started in austin it has been so much better

for whatever reason i I miss him. So when I get there, it's special. And I flew in for it. Well, I do feel like me and him, when we had another guy. Oh, you just talked to Frankie. Frankie came on our show, and it was absurd. Because we can't have that absurdity every single time. Because we see each other all the fucking time.

But if there was some separation and we got back together forget about it oh it was lately like i think this week we're putting we put butt plugs in our asses and uh you guys actually did it huh we bought you were talking about it for a while you'll see you'll see we go as what bro we go how are we not the first podcast to do that we really i mean... You know why we didn't do that? Because it's not a fucking big deal. Fucking amateurs over here making a big stink about a butt plug in their ass. We attempt... You just did a podcast with it?

No, no, no. So we got... I mean, you got to watch the episode, really. Yeah, yeah. Because it is... It's the next one coming out? This Monday? Sure, it's this Monday.

Yeah. It's the hardest I have laughed. When he, it is. Does it go in and out? Did you pop it out while you were laughing? Yes, I'm laughing right now. I feel like my asshole's flexing. In, out, in, out.

It was, it's a good episode. But like, but that's the fun of Austin is we got done two episodes and then I have the full day off where my family isn't around. Yeah. So all I'm thinking is about the two episodes we're shooting tomorrow. Right. So I go to the sex store and I was like get me um one of everything my good man literally said give me everything for a guy and there's one that i fucking kept

let me tell you which one it's called the man wand type google okay this thing is fucking bananas what were you in like a romantic depot or some shit like yeah yeah romantic depot and i go give me one everything and then now there's something i heard about a long time ago that i've never been able to find okay so uh you put your dick in that thing staff pick staff pick not that not that staff pick staff pick sorry the one that says staff pick on the red thing the hole yeah okay this is it this thing is going on fucking bananas so that's like a hitachi Hitachi wand, but it's got a thing for your dick. Wait, oh, I thought this was going up your ass. Okay.

No, no, you put your dick through it. I was like, how did it? Well, John, you can probably do that. I don't know. It's up to you and your asshole, really. I thought it was a finger hole. He goes, I said, give me one of everything. And the guy gave me one of everything.

And then we got it all. Tom and I went through and assessed it all. And we got done i said god damn it where's the fucking man wand because we didn't have it on the thing and i couldn't find it and i and my assistant must have put it in my bag thinking it was my theragun and sure and so it was in my back is with my backpack it was unwrapped in my backpack and i uh and i'm like i think we're in the i'm in the hotel room in austin and i go i go i gotta give this thing a try i'm telling so you it just you just leave it in and it vibrates so it doesn't it doesn't like no no no it's so when tom and i were did the dominatrix gims right we were dominatrix

games for a day there was a point i don't know how much I can share, but I'll just share it all. There was a point where we had tethered our cocks together with electrodes, and we were in our underwear. It was our dicks were tethered, and she was shocking our cocks, and we were seeing who would tap out first. And she's going back and forth, and then we get done. We both tap out. We get done, and she goes,. And then we had done, we both tap out,

we had done. And she goes, all right, you guys want me to make you guys come? And, and both Tom and I looked at each other like, who's going to say no first? Tom's like,

I'm, I'm think I'm fine. He sat on the floor. And then I was like, I'm fine. But how would you do that? If you were going to do that? She goes,

oh, I'll just vibrate your cocks until you come. It'll take like two minutes. And so as soon as she said that, that was my white whale, do that, she goes, oh, I'll just vibrate your cocks until you come and it'll take like. Two minutes. And so as soon as she said that, that was my white whale. Right. I was like, I was like, I would love to find a new way to have an orgasm. Right. So I chased this white whale forever.

I mean, there's another thing. So go back to the man one. I'll keep that. Yeah. So go down to the next picture, like right there. So there's a thing like that that's out on the market that I, that I'll keep that. Yeah. So go down to the next picture, like right there. So there's a thing like that that's out on the market that I, that I'd heard about. They're like, it's the new male sex toy, but it's like a big, it looks like a, it looks like a fucking spaceship. It goes around

your dick and it's got like these things. And I had seen it written up on the internet and I could never find it again. Right. I had seen it and I was like, I bet she had one of those. She never told us what she had. Right. Right. Right. So so i go to the sex store i give me one of everything i get this it's in my backpack and i'm like god damn it i wanted to show tom because i've been talking about this thing right forever right and then i go all right i'm gonna i'm gonna try it so i try the first one first that one that one first and i don't feel it at all and i'm like so i go what is she talking about that's just like not you put it in this way. You just lay it down, like, just lay it down.

Yeah. And then you do it. So then she goes, so then I go, well, try the other one. And I had a hard time getting my dick in. Yeah. It was because it's pretty small. And I didn't have any lube. So I'm like literally going like, how the fuck?

Fucking raw dog in a hot tub. So I had to wait. I had to wait until my dick got soft to get it in, right? You thumb in a soft dick and then let it grow? I am pulling soft dick in there. Numb stuff to your shoe. Let me explain something to you. It didn't grow at all. I blew a load.

Soft? Soft. Wow. It happened so fucking quick that i went and then and then i swear to you as it can as it happens you know when the you know when you're like when uh when a woman has an orgasm and it goes and everything contracts i'm I can feel my body going. You just had a female orgasm. That was just a clit.

His dick was just a good clit. What? That's really what it was. You just had a big clit. You had a clitoral orgasm. You know those tiles that you can put in your wallet so you don't lose something? I have a tile on that. I will never lose that. I want to buy a hundred of buy a hundred i'm gonna order this shit right dude now it was 150 bucks you kidding me

it was the life of and by the way very high end wait with two penis oh right okay so it's got the round one and then the other one penis why even i guess the other one so you don't have to pull it through the through the like the other ones The other one does not work for me. But I really didn't give it that much of a shot. Have you ever fucked a flashlight? Yeah, of course. This motherfucker's in a podcast with a butt plug in his ass. I think he's fucked a flashlight.

Who'd you fuck? So I... Oh, that's interesting. We have one in the... We have Christy Mack in the bus. But... You're my fucking guy, bro! But I haven't bus. But because we kind of know who she is, I want to get her consent first to make it real. Bro, when that royalty check came in, that was their consent.

You're good. So the first time I do it, I'm on – we're in Miami. I've done Rogan. Rogan's like Fleshlight was their sponsor. And it was like back in the day, that's the only sponsor. Rogan's like, Fleshlight was their sponsor. And it was like, back in the day, that's the only sponsor he's gonna get was Fleshlight.

And they were like, his managers and agents were like, dude, you gotta stop this. Fucking, you're just selling porn toys. Rogan's like,

hey man, they give me money. So, so Rogan's like, you gotta try a Fleshlight. Go grab one. And I go back to grab one and they're all out.

I'm like, fuck. So all he talked about was how great it felt. So I'm in Miami that week and I go in, there's a sex store. I'm going to get lunch and I see a sex store and I'm like, oh. All he talked about was how great it felt. I'm in Miami that week and I go in. There's a sex store. I'm going to get lunch and I see a sex store and I'm like, I wonder if they have a flashlight.

I walk in and I'm just like, do you guys have... My buddy has a thing. I don't know what it's called. I'm just trying to make myself look normal. I go, do you have a flashlight? The guy goes, no. I was like, fuck. He's like, I got fuck in a can.

I was like, I'll take it. Right, right. So it's a bottle of Sapporo. It looks like a bottle of Sapporo. I know exactly what you're talking about. You unscrew the top. Yeah, yeah. And you go, fuck it.

I don't even go get lunch. I race back to my hotel room. I open it, and it's not a pussy. It's a mouth. And it looks like a dude's mouth. Like, come on, man. Don't do it. Please don't do it.

So I fucked it. And then that's like the most humiliating thing in the world is to clean it out. Yes, when you come after a toy like that, it's like, oh. I didn't clean it out. I just threw it away. Yeah. I fucked that thing all through Miami. And then I was like, I can't bring this home.

If I bring this home and my wife opens it, she's like, you have a real drinking problem. Dude, they make one that's like one of the, it's like an egg-shaped one. That's pretty good. But I believe the one I had, it said like 12 uses. It's like not, you don't have to like, I mean, you probably should like clean it. I think you should clean it. But it's like you're done after that, which is weird. I don't know why.

Maybe it's like lube built into it or whatever. But I was like, ah, I'm out of here. I'm done with this one. It's like how they say everyone in Africa is going to get cancer because they reuse water bottles. Really? No, I don't know, but I'm sure that's true. Oh, wait, I've heard that. I know. My mom tells that you can only use a water bottle three times.

It's the same thing. You can't jerk off with this too much because it's like using a water bottle three times. Yeah, what do we got? You did the egg thing, right? Yeah. I mean. Did it say anything about like you can only use it a certain amount of times?

Did I make that up? But it was like that thing. So here's the question. I've never done this. I've never done anything like this with my wife, but she does give me a hand job. Yo, a good hand job is underrated. Yeah. Like if she's just like, nah, yeah, that sucks.

When guys are like, I could do that better. Yeah, you can do that better. You get a girl with, like, two hands and fucking into it? You can't do better than that, man. I had a girlfriend who was just, like, game for hand jobs all the time. And she would just drive into the car, and she just, like. Yeah, and I remember just being like, God damn it. God damn it's right

the disc golf course like a frisbee golf thing frisbee golf we'd all played frisbee golf and we got in the car and she was like she's like

I kind of want to see your cock and I was like okay I'm getting hard telling the story what the hand job fucking gets what gets left out of the blowjob that story. What the hand job fucking gets,

what gets left out of the blowjob that you get with the hand job is you get the full dirty talk experience. Yeah, there's blowjobs. You got to keep your mouth active. I'll tell you what. Guess what? Blowjob, you're in your head, right?

Handjob, you're kissing them. Yeah. They're talking to you. I also don't feel bad. Sometimes I feel bad about if I'm taking too long for a blowjob because she's doing work. Handjob, I'm sitting there. I'm trying to last as long as I can. I'm like, because I'm taking too long for a blowjob because she's doing work. Hand job, I'm sitting there.

I'm trying to last as long as I can. I'm like, because I know you can do this forever. My wife gave me the weirdest hand job one time. If you close your eyes, it was like you were getting attacked by an octopus. But she just – What, like tentacles? No, no, no. Like different angles?

I was in my recliner. Girls are gone. Girls are in bed. It must be like two in the morning. And she just comes over and she just reaches in my pants and just grabs it like this. Like this.

And for whatever reason, I was just like... Hitting that tip, bro. You know? I'm going to fucking... I'm on the road for two more nights. I'm going to fucking... I'm going to attack my wife when I go home.

After this conversation, we're that fucking man. You really are. You and Leanne are your couple's goals to be corny about it, man. You're still banging. You're a partnership.

You're a business together. You're great. She just got her first sponsor on her podcast. Awesome. And I was like, it's Manscaped. And she does use my Manscaped.

She came in, she was so proud. Her Manscaped read sucked so bad. It was like so – she missed key talking points that are very important. But she just – she read the copy, took in the information. She actually uses the manscaped. She stole my manscaped to do her bikini lines, and she's like, and I love it. I love it i love it i mean they got they come on with one ceramics

gonna be on it and it's gonna have a mower like she and i and but but i guarantee you her fucking turnovers through uh it's through the red roof because her fans fucking love her absolutely yeah i mean she'll have a very successful podcast right out of the gate. She's had her podcast for a while now. If she's doing ad reads, she's going to make bank. If she does ad reads, she is going to make bank because her fans will they will, if they

if we did podcast reads on I should do that. I should just have us both do the same podcast reads and then if they do a put Leanna Check checkout or Burt, she'll go fucking bananas. It's crushing. Bananas.

Yeah. I mean, it's always a pleasure watching you guys do your thing. So, I mean, we could do this forever and ever and ever. I could do this forever too. You want to go do Answer the Internet? Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, let's do that. I got to get my voice arrest before the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you want to plug anything? I mean, the people know. When does this come out? Tuesday. He took my phone.

Yeah, will you look at my schedule? Minneapolis. Oh, yeah. Look at that. I just. Please don't scroll. I am in, next week, I am in St. Louis, Chicago, Detroit, Milwaukee, then Minneapolis, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Ohio, Austin, Texas, Sugar Land, Texas. Cleveland, Ohio is the one I'm looking forward to.

Oh, those are all my dates. So yeah, Rock and Mortgage Fieldhouse. Cleveland feels like a Burt town. It is. It is. It is. I'm always good for 10,000 tickets there. I love Cleveland. Cleveland feels like a Burt town. It is. It is. It is. I'm always good for 10,000 tickets there. Let me ask you this before you go.

What is your highest and lowest? I always think it's amazing when it's like, I feel like, I want to say like Sebastian at one point was saying like he can do arenas in Chicago, but he still had to do like relatively small clubs in other parts of the town. Are there cities where you're like, I'm doing like 100 tickets, or are they all Monster now? No. So Sebastian has big followings in big cities. I think he's doing fucking the Garden like four times when he's here.

It's crazy. He did something like 100,000 tickets in a weekend or something. It was crazy. Yeah, Joe Coy's like that. Joe Coy can do certain markets. He does fucking bananas. I think now he's leveled so that they're all pretty big but there's some places where like we're like where those guys just

fluffy's like that yeah you go to like san antonio and he does like eight nights at the arena or something crazy like miami and then but if you put them in like no but that's i don't know if that's accurate really i i don't but at a's accurate. Really, I don't. But at a time – Nebraska, though, but something like that. At a time, it was like that. So for mine, it was like all – it just all just rose at the same time. Amazing. So I could do – I have bigger markets, obviously.

Cleveland's a big market for me. Tampa's a big market. Boston's a really big market for me. So you're just doing small clubs? No. No. No. Because they don't make as much money. I just feel like people say the club is like the ceilings and the laughter.

It's made for that and all that shit. Is that true or is it just like that's what people who can't sell theater are saying? No. The theater is the ultimate venue. In all honesty, a 1800 seat800-seat theater is, like, really fucking ideal. And only because there's a leap. Once you get to a 3,500-seat, 3,700-seat theater, there's only a few that have done it perfectly, like Chicago, Beacon,

the Chicago Theater, the Beacon. Like, those ones are, like, I mean, they are just fucking dreams. I was just with one the other day. Or the one I was at last night in New York is 36, I think. Are you in Hulu? No, no. The Hulu is, I think, 5,000, 4,000. The Beacon Theater?

No, no, no. City Hall? No, in Boston. Oh, Wilbur. No, no, no, no. Oh, you were in Boston. Oh, Wilbur. No, no, no, no. Oh, you were in Boston. God damn it.

I'm there again Sunday night. What does it say on there? No. Is it the Wang Theater? The Wang. Oh, the Wang. The Wang was great. And then you get some places like we were in Fort Lauderdale or Hollywood, and that one's 6,500, but it's a theater. And it's a theater for 6,500, and it is fucking amazing.

They made a theater for 6,500, and it's perfect. I mean, fucking three, four balconies, box seats, seats on the floor. It just is perfect. I mean, just really great. And then the arenas are a different feel too. But like, I don't know. I kind of just like. Did it go steadily enough that you're not like, are you nervous about size?

Or was it just like you always rose to the point that it's like, it wasn't like a big jump, like all of a sudden I'm doing 10,000 people. Holy shit. Because you went steadily from like. No, it was a big jump. When you go, you do selling like a big weekend at a club would be to sell like maybe 1,800 tickets at a club, I'm guessing. What's 350 times? Five or six.

Times seven. Seven, it's like a little over 2,000. I can't even pretend that was 1,000. what's 350 times times 5 or 6 times 7 it's like a little over 2,000 2,000 people at a club would be like a bang up weekend you make like probably 75 grand 85 grand maybe like 110 if you're doing that now you can do the math it's 90% of the door $35

tickets 2,000 what's that math quick 2,000. What's that math quick? 2,000 times 35 is 70,000. You make 67,000 roughly. And that's a fucking, that's a bang up weekend at a club where you're like, nice. Then you do when, what happens is you don't make that same money. And this was hard for me to wrap my head around.

You don't make that same money when you go to a theater because you're selling that exact same amount of people but there's different price points on the theaters and uh but the idea to wrap my head around so i'll go into arizona and instead of doing a weekend i'll do one night and then or you add a show and you do it's like doing two weekends in arizona if that was like was where I, that was the first leap where I was like, holy shit. Like, so instead of spending a weekend in New York, I'm just going to go to New York and do one show for all those people. And then you're like, fuck. Same times, same energy effort. And then the real mind fuck was like, when you come in and you do, like, I never sold tickets in New York ever in my fucking life.

Really? Never. I just. Even now? No, no, no. Now I do. Well, last time I was here, I did the Beacon twice, and you start going like, where did these people find me? Anyway, it's been, you know, you just wait for the moment

where it starts to regress, and you're like, all right, I'm going back into clubs. You think that's happening? It's going regress, and you're like, all right, I'm going back into clubs. You think that's happening? It's going to happen. It happens to everyone. You're like fucking 70. No, I mean it happens to everyone. I mean it does.

I mean there's like big names. You hope you can get lucky and just slow ride it for as long as you can and just keep enjoying it. I mean like even Kevin Hart was doing stadiums. Yeah. And now it's like I mean maybe he just doesn't want to do stadiums

but he's just doing arenas right or like I know but like he was doing like what 70,000 tickets in a night and so

what's the price point for what's your tickets I mean I feel like I have no idea I feel like Kevin Hart could sell like $100 a ticket and they're probably still paying it you know what I mean

I think they are yeah well I think imagine like 70,000 people at like 89 bucks a ticket dude it's still paying it you know what i mean i think they are yeah well i think imagine like 70 000 people at like 89 bucks a ticket dude but you look at like you look at all the big guys right like i mean fucking all the big guys i'm not gonna name names i don't want to say call people out but like all the big guys right like i just that were the biggest like 10 years ago are now or some of them are not at the, where they were.

So you just gotta be comfortable with the ebb and the flow and then go like, for me, this ride has been a blast. And when it, when we go back and we're like, Hey man, we're just doing the Wilbur for, for a night,

two shows. I'll be very fucking cool with that. Cause that first leap to the Wilbur was amazing. I don't expect to be, you know, it'd be great if I could just keep putting out cool content and keep writing hours,

but like, the pace we're on, like, this is my fifth special in four years? Yeah, that's crazy. Do you think that that,

I mean, that's obviously a new thing because specials have kind of become. That can't be right. This is my fifth, you see when I did The Machine,

when The Machine came out? Machine, Secret Time, Big Boy. This is my third special in four years and my fourth special would be on fourth special in five years right and and but that's the clip that bill burr and louis put us on it was like time to write new material it makes sense feel like a prime to me like an athlete almost where it's like you're in your peak and go go go now i'm healthy i mean i feel still i'm young yeah i can do all the work i love writing i have i have like i i'm i'm dialed into

my voice i um and like and i dude the machine was 2016 that's 2016 was when i really didn't look at your face in that and that logo you don't look like the same guy what is that nuts 16 what's that that's five six years six years so four specials in six years bananas and but uh but i i'm like thank god for that story man god you thank god for that fucking story thank god for that teacher yeah you know she's coming to the show yeah i heard that's awesome she uh i think i told her on the i talked to her on the phone for like uh for like 45 minutes the other day. And I was like, thank God you were hot. Because if you had not been hot, I would have left.

If she was ugly, that sounds horrible, but I just would have left. She was hot. And I was like, I'll sit in a room and look at a beautiful woman first and do no work. And I totally forgot she was coming tonight. Changed your life forever. Changed my life. Dude, thank God. Think of all the sliding doors that had to happen to get me here, right? Thank God for Rogan.

Yeah. Rogan's the one, the first person. Like, you need to tell that. There's a lot of guys who can say that. About John. Yeah, there's a lot. I can name them. I can run a list real quick.

Yeah. But, like, thank God for Rogan. He's like, you need to tell that on stage. That's your story. That's your story. That's what's interesting to me. Because earlier you were talking about, like, blueprints and stuff like that. That's your story. That's your story. That's what's interesting to me because earlier you were talking about blueprints and stuff like that and how you share the blueprint

with the younger guys. Joe is the blueprint maker. But the blueprint is have this – first of all, be fucking hilarious. That's got to be step one, right? So I can't help you with that. Yeah, there's not like a blueprint that fits all. Yeah, I feel like what is your – what blueprint do you give? Be hilarious. Have a great story. Have a lot of great stories. Live your life to the point where you like a blueprint that fits all. Yeah, I feel like what is your... What blueprint do you give? Like, be hilarious, have a great

story, have a lot of great stories, live your life to the point where you have a lot of great stories, and then, you know, you get lucky a few times. That's what I think the blueprint is for everything, so I think it's hard to give a blueprint. I think there could be a blueprint in the sense of, like, how you use the internet and, you know, get a social media presence, do the promo type videos that are interesting,

probably have a podcast, but yeah, otherwise, it's like, be a good stand-up comedy. Be incredibly talented talented what do you think about i feel like kind of going back to pot being podcaster versus a stand-up i feel like there's a lot of guys who uh feel like they need to be a stand-up and i think podcasting is its own like art now and you can just be a podcaster oh you know let me tell you something i look at like uh dan cummings got a great podcast called time suck and and he also is a fantastic comic but if that guy ever decided to stop stand up and just do his podcast right i almost think he'd be 10 times more successful sometimes that's what i mean sometimes if you're just like this is what he's selling great tickets he's selling

great tickets you don't want to you don't want to shortchange that but his podcast takes a great deal of work. Right. And so you think, you know, on those podcasts where you do the research, you're like, you know, fuck, man. My blueprint in my book is start a podcast, get on stage, and then my blueprint is like, I was saying this last night, I don't want to hang out with people

that aren't obsessed with it. Like, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with podcasting and stand-up. Like, obsessed. That's all I want to talk about. And if you don't want to talk about it, I don't want you on my bus. I don't want to be around you.

And let me tell you something. You hang out with Joe, you're also going to get hunting and MMA. But when I hang out with him, I mean... All business, all comedy, all internet. Dude, when I talk to Tom, all we talk about is stand-up, who's doing what,

where are people at, podcasting, ads. I mean, we... If you're not obsessed with the thing you're doing, just find this shit you're obsessed with. We've got to stop talking about our balls. Let's go answer the internet. I think I would be cool if you just did.

I wonder if my podcasting would get better or worse. The answer is this. If you just did podcasting, would it get better? I did that during the pandemic for 17 months. We just did podcasting. I didn't do stand-up. I did stand-up towards the end. We did those tours, but...

After Eliza invented the drive-in. I fucking love Eliza. That made me laugh so fucking hard. When Tom and I weren't doing stand-up i think our podcast was bananas that's what you're getting that's jennifer aniston that's jennifer aniston yeah that's kool-aid right that's like all the big hits from two bears where like where i fall out of the chair laughing that's all when we were just in the pandemic and we were no stand-up so any idea we had we took it there doing it yeah saving it there's no saving for the show for the stand-up. So any idea we had, we took it there. That's what you're doing. Yeah.

There's no saving for the show for the stand-up. I told a story on his podcast, on Two Bears the other day, that it killed. And I went, I said, hey, take it out. Right. I'm going to save that for the show. I'm opening my special with it. Right. Wow. Yeah.

That's why your stand-up is better. I did it on the podcast. And this is how i learned it the joke i wanted to open hey big boy with um was uh i took a shit in japan once it was so bad the guy in the stall next to me threw up and and we were in japan so i thought he was talking to me he's like i was like have no toilet paper. I don't know what you're saying. Dude. Yeah. I told him on the podcast and he fucking, he fell out of the chair

and then I was like, fuck. And I, and it stayed in and then, and then I would try it on stage and people like, I heard that

and I was like, fuck. But then after you do it on stage, will you run it in a podcast? No. If I do it on stage. I'm going to reach so many people. I will take bits that have not worked on stage and take it to a podcast

because I can workshop it. Like, like one of the bits that I did one night, which didn't work the first night, didn't work the second night that you take it on a podcast, fuck around with it. Was, uh,

the premise was how long should you let a mouth rest after a blow job before you kiss it? And, and, but it just came off aggressive to the women they're like yeah so you you see me as like a piece of meat yeah that you let rest right leave it on the counter for 40 minutes of but um but yeah so well luckily you're just fucking great at both of them dude so oh well thank you i but i but i well i i love i love

both of them so i don't like it. It shows too, though. It's like, I feel like, uh, the reason I think you're very good at podcasting is you're always ready to be like,

you kind of did it with us right now. You're like, okay, well let's all come out of the closet about something or okay. Like top five. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. Yeah.

You further the conversation. The, the, the, the second I knew two bears, one cave was going to be good was I came up with a suck-a-dick challenge. Do you guys remember this? No.

Okay. So what are we going to do here? You take a bottle of water, okay? Is this too big? No, it needs to be a brand-new bottle of water. Can we get two bottles of water, please? This might be pretty aggressive to do it with. I'll tell you the challenge, and you can decide if you want to do it.

Well, we're going to do it. But the whole goal was we were complaining that women didn't swallow. And we're like, well, it's got to be, if a guy doesn't alert you to it, it's got to be hard to swallow if you're just sucking a dick waiting for it. So then I said, what we should do is we'll put our, I'll be, I'll hold the water bottle. You put your head on it and you suck it. And then I won't tell you and I'll just squirt it and you have to swallow it. And we were spitting cum out of our noses.

And we were like, fuck, this is, uh, this is not like, you know, skinny, but I'm game. I'm game. I'm game. Do we have, does Kelly have any? Yeah, I think we're good. Yes. And the second Tom decided to do it and put his mouth around the bottle, I went, oh, we're going to have a lot of fun. Yeah, there it is.

I mean. Yeah. oh we're gonna have a lot of fun like I mean yeah there it is I mean yeah like I knew I'd do it but I was like will Tom do it and then when Tom decided to do it I was like oh this is this is and then and then it's gonna be a good show. But the thing is, is you can come up with crazy ideas, and then Tom will go, I say we do it. And so, like, one of the ones, don't, don't, don't take a sip. That's part of the game. Yeah, it's got to be full. So, so ready? Let's play a game.

All right. How are we going to do this? Everyone gets someone else's bottle. We got to suck and drink? Wait, hold on. We got to suck and squeeze? Wait, so you grab. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I grab yours. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I grab yours No, no, how would also what kind of loads we drop it I mean you just try to estimate what you're not Okay, I mean you give this try to estimate what your net average is. Okay. I mean, you give this a squeeze. It's complicated. So, now the whole key is not that we all don't cum at the same time. I had a chick suck my dick one time, and she goes, do you have a hat? I want to keep my hair out of my face. And I was like, sure.

And I gave her a hat. She put it backwards. And I was like, sure. And I gave her a hat. She put it backwards. And I was like, I feel like Fred Durst is sucking my dick. Dude, I know a video with Candy Lynn Carter giving a blowjob with a backwards choker hat on. I'm like, that's the sexiest shit I've ever seen. I did have a Fred Durst fetish. All right, we'll suck in this for like a few seconds here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really give it some work. Yeah. You made yours come by yourself. You started making it come. You went so hard on it. You were like, you were gagging. And I was like, I think he's coming already. And then you came and I was like,

and I think I came because you came. You were sucking that dick, man. I was turned on. I think I was hearing myself and I was like, oh, everyone's really sucking. I can turned on. I think I was hearing myself and I was like, oh, everyone's really stuck. I can get harder. I wasn't going to let you guys give a better

pull. Hey, how did you guys get COVID? We're not getting better than that, guys. This is the best episode of anything I've ever done. This should be a new challenge and you have a guest on. If you're okay giving us the blessing, we might do this every fucking time. All you got to do is promote my tour dates.

Guys, Bert Kreiser's going to be Cleveland. All right, get over here and fuck this dick. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.