KFC Radio - Bert Kreischer Is Taking Us on an Impromptu Trip to Amsterdam with only a 24 hour Warning -

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

A while ago, Bert Kreischer came up with the idea to pick a random city in the world on a random day and give KFC and Feits only a 24-hour-in-advanced notice before the three of them leave for this unknown city... today was that day. CLOCK STARTS NOW. 00:00:00 Start 00:00:30 https://twitter.com/bertkreischer/status/1617571778867638276 00:30:14 M&M's are replacing Spokescandy with Maya Rudolph 00:34:39 Hilaria Baldwin Speaks in an accent once again 00:43:30 Feits may get a tattoo of Bert Kreischer 00:48:18 Feits tells a joke? 01:11:46 Video Voicemails 01:48:18 Jessica Kirson InterviewYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Amsterdam, kid! I'm fucking... I'll be honest, I'm ready for this. Amsterdam with the machine and Feidelberg. It is. I cried on the subway.

I swear to God. I swear. You can still kind of see tears in my eyes.. I cried on the subway. I swear to God. I swear to God. You can still kind of see tears in my eyes. I started crying on the subway. Dude. Like, not, not, look, I'm not, look, look, look, look, look. I'm not boasting. I'm not gay about it.

Look, it might have been the fucking lotion I put on my face before I got on. Somebody got my eye. But I was on the subway crying. I was tearing up. Tearing up. Bro, I was driving, and I see Burt pop up on the screen. I was like, what could this be about? Because, you know, Burt just leaves me on read forever and ever and ever.

I was like, clock starts now is a great way to do it. Just clock starts now, capital letter. It was also people might think. I didn't see his video. I just saw the text. I didn't know what he said. I didn't know that he said Amsterdam. So I was still waiting for where we're going. I was waiting for burt to be like we're going to fucking

like antarctica or something crazy you know amsterdam in hindsight it was always going to be amsterdam it is burt kreischer is not taking it somewhere else other than fucking amsterdam i mean i'm i'm i'm incredibly nervous i'm incredibly excited i i actually had a plan to like start like to show a new way today to get us all excited And we don't need that anymore But it is I thought there was going to be movie magic behind it Where it's like we're all talking Figuring out schedules and shit like that

No this is just I just found out as I walked in the building He said it's in your inbox It's not That is movie magic Fucking Amsterdam with like literally the partier of a generation i don't know i i i'm i'm genuinely speechless i don't know how we're gonna do this podcast i don't have anything to say i'm fucking speechless i can't i'm sweating well it's so you

know i'm sweating but i can't take off this fucking thing because I put my whole outfit together as an ensemble and this t-shirt's too tight and I can't just wear a fucking... It doesn't fit me. I got a vintage Fall Out Boy t-shirt that doesn't fucking fit me and I didn't expect to be so jacked up that I'd be sweating

so I'm going to Amsterdam with Burt Kreischer. I thought I'd be able to just do a show in a fucking wool overcoat, but I can't because I'm fucking... Fat Boy Johnny. Medium Johnny's coming out.

This t-shirt doesn't fit me at all. It's fine. You look great. Your fucking arms are jacked. No, it doesn't fit me at all. It's too small. You are fucking these are the things that go through your brain. You are fucking unbelievable. The thing about go through your brain you are fucking unbelievable um the the thing about this is we're playing in a league so far over our heads like the the thing

about this whole podcast this is this this thing that we're about to embark on thank you to bert is actually so uh indicative and like symbolic of the entire career really we have been playing above our heads for so fucking long like doing podcasts we're about to be exposed like interviewing people and doing podcasts with people and events with people that are so far more talented and more famous than us and they're used to these things and we're just like come to work do a podcast come back home see your family like we're jet setting to amsterdam now for for with the machine yeah yeah like his movie's done it's coming out next year he's making more money than god he's like the biggest thing in comedy. What's he doing with us?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. This is, I'm like, I'm nervous energy. I don't know. This podcast is going to fucking suck. I don't want. It sucks because guess what?

Bert's driving a bunch of people to the podcast. It's like, oh, we're excited. Fuck. I wouldn't, I mean, maybe that's why he's doing it. Because he knows that we're like this. You know what? You don't take people to Amsterdam where you're going to be like, oh, thanks, man. It's my third time this year.

This is my second impromptu trip to Europe this year. That is true. That is true. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, you asshole. Unbelievable. I'll tell you what for myself, you asshole. Unbelievable. I'll tell you what. Last one didn't go great. Let's see how this one goes.

No, it was very good. I was just very hungover for two months. Yeah, that is... Well, if a day trip to London for a soccer game did you win, what's a trip to fucking Amsterdam with a machine gun do? All right, let's start talking real here. Fucking a hooker? Okay, we'll skip that one. All right, all right, next question.

What drugs are off the table? Well, what drugs are on the table in Amsterdam? All of them. Is it really, though? Oh, I just mean like, yeah, they're on the table wherever. Right, right. You can do drugs wherever. It's a special trip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are the hospitals like in Amsterdam? All of them. Solid? What are the prisons like in Amsterdam? That's what. Solid? What are the prisons like in Amsterdam? That's what we've got to worry about. Good follow-up question. What are the hospitals and prisons like?

Prison system, what's their, where are they ranking? Hospital system? Yeah, like if we get arrested in Amsterdam. I almost got arrested in Amsterdam once. Oh, yeah? But it was just like open containers, so it wasn't like anything. See, but that's what I mean. Everyone's like, you can do whatever you want in Amsterdam.

Then I'm going to go there and do whatever I want and something's going to go wrong. Yeah. No, you just don't carry open containers, which is stupid. I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. That's the first law I'm going to break into Amsterdam. I'm going to carry open containers. Open container.

Yeah. Were you like 12? I don't think that matters there as far as I understand it. I got to watch EuroTrip tonight. God, my fucking plate is full. Club Vondelsex. I mean, everything's on the table. Everything is on the table.

I'm going to die. Honestly, I'm like... This is like... Let's put the... Just to be clear, if any drug gets offered, are we taking it? I mean, you can't be the guy who goes to Amsterdam with Bert and says no. Okay, so yeah, I'm going to take any drug. I'll do any drug.

Any drug. Any drug. Anything I will do do i will die but the hospital's first search hospital's first google yeah are the hospitals good here here are hospitals good and are prisons bad that's what you need to know about amsterdam because that is that's what you're that's that's what you got to worry about like i you know i i remember thinking like what if bert decides to take us somewhere really weird and exotic where they're like we like to kidnap americans done you know and now we're we're going... What? Oh my god. I just... It's just... I should have seen it coming. I should have seen Amsterdam coming.

It actually is so funny too. I should have been preparing for Amsterdam this whole time. We're canceling major interviews for this. Major interviews. We'll announce it. Who cares? Stephen A. Smith

is supposed to interview tomorrow. I'm so jacked up to do Stephen A. Stephen A. Smith is like way at the top of my list for interviews. Like all-time bucket list. Edelman on Wednesday leading into Super Bowl week. I'll do the Edelman interview real quick. Hey, Jules, are you, Brady, and Gronk going to run it back?

Edelman in a Belichick accent. Yeah. That would have been that interview. I got that one done. I mean, there's going to be a lot of mushrooms going on in Amsterdam.

Hospital seemed good. Okay. Hospital seemed good, nice. Because I'll tell you what, I almost needed a hospital situation in Jamaica and that one I wasn't excited about.

Now I'm going in anxiety-free. We're not doing any third world. I'm happy about that. Jail seemed nice. Okay. I mean, Europe does it right, bro.

Europe does it right. Europe's like fucking healthcare, that's free. Prisons. Dude, that guy who fucking murdered everybody in Sweden, he has like a fucking guitar in his thing. What's his name? I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm happy. I forget where.

No, Norway. It was Norway. He murdered fucking everybody. Whippets are legal. Okay. All right, whippets it is. I'm looking to fucking bump it up a little bit. Nudity?

I'll take my cock out. Dude. Burt Kreischer in Amsterdam. Gay marriage? Legal? We might come back married. Already are, bro. Dude, what if we finally Just bite the bullet

And get married Magic mushrooms Are sold in smart shops Have been illegal Since 2008 So no mushrooms Have been illegal Illegal

Yes But many ignore this But so Isn't there like There's like the red light district Or whatever There's like a section of town Where anything goes

Right yeah Prostitution Obviously illegal But you can't there like – there's like the red light district or whatever. There's like a section of town where anything goes, right? Prostitution, obviously legal. But you just can't take pictures. Can't take pictures. That's hilarious, man. I thought for sure this was in the wind. I thought that this was like Bert – one of Bert's ideas. Not that he was like – that he didn't want to do it, but he's got a million things going.

He's always a huge ideas guy. And he tried to do it and his schedule didn't work out and he tried it again and it fell apart and then it would have just been like yeah yeah we'll get to it we'll get to it we'll get to it we'll get to it and the fact that he made good within a year is is i thought i can't believe that was a year that was nine months nine months ago he said nine months i thought it was like three months ago no i thought it was so recent that I was curious about why you didn't think it was going to happen. I didn't realize that the clock was running out. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't even think it's running out.

This could be something that Burt like five years from now dropped on us. But he said within a year. Did he? Was that the rule? Okay, yeah. I just thought like, you know, hey, Burt's career is so ridiculous that even the difference from – he was huge nine months ago. Even the last nine months is probably that much crazier where it's like, oh, man, you know, guys, when I said that at the time, I was like – it was a whole different scene. You know, I can't – I got him too busy now, you know.

I have a major motion picture starring fucking Mark Hamill coming out. I think it's coming out July 4th weekend. It's either like Memorial Day weekend or July 4th weekend. It's like a big summer blockbuster release. But the boy did it. The boy did it. Yeah, I think that's Memorial Day weekend.

You had do's and don'ts. Do not take pictures. Got it. Do not drink alcohol on the streets. It's prohibited. Jackie! Do not litter. That makes sense. Don't piss or drink in our streets. We'll let you do it anywhere else. Do not litter. I get that. That makes sense. I think litterers are just as bad as murderers and rapists. Do not tap on the windows, bro.

If you are tapping on the windows, you deserve to be fucking beat up and thrown in jail. Bro, I can see myself having a go. Do not stand. It's like people get mad at the window bangers at hockey games. Yeah. You put me in front of the fucking, you put me on the glass of the hockey and give me three beers. I'm a banger.

The glass is getting hit. It seems like the windows are a big deal Do not stand in front of the windows too long So the windows are to be very Respected And the dudes would just go to a coffee shop And behave The do's and don'ts seem pretty much

Like do's and don'ts of anywhere in the world Coffee shops are the weed places. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to get so goddamn high. We're going to get so high. What was the other thing I wanted to find out? I'm going to be comatose.

Nick, can you go see if Francis is here? I feel like Francis has probably been to Amsterdam. I'm sure. I'm sure. Where did you think it was going to be? Did you ever have a... I had no idea. Again, Amsterdam at the end of the day

probably should have been obvious. Amsterdam never crossed my mind. Yeah. I would have guessed like... I don't know. I, Amsterdam at the end of the day probably should have been obvious. Amsterdam never crossed my mind. Yeah. I would have guessed like – I don't know. I would have guessed somewhere like – and this is probably because you put it in my head. I bet we're going to like the African safari. Well, he was very like we're not going to do anything cliche. Yeah.

You know? And I don't know what that means or what it doesn't mean. It can mean totally different things to people. So I went to like – I went to something like Bert's going to be like I'm going to take these guys somewhere like they never even heard of. You know what I mean, you know, I can mean totally different things to people. So I went to like, I went to something like Bert's going to be like, I'm going to take these guys somewhere like they never even heard of. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where all of a sudden we're in like Africa.

You said that to me and I just started trying to think of places I never heard of. I was like, fuck. But you can't think of places you've heard of. You know, I was waiting. We were good. I was like, we're going to be, you know, getting like attacked by those giant spiders in Australia or something like that. I knew like, I knew it's going to be a quick trip.

So I knew 24-hour flights are probably the trickiest. Yeah, that's true. How far is Amsterdam? Like 12 hours? No. Eight hours? I don't know. I think all of Europe is like six to eight.

I have no idea where Amsterdam is on a map. Do you? No, dude. I couldn't even tell you where. It's like it's one of those. So Amsterdam is in Denmark which is the Dutch

or is it Holland and the Netherlands it's the Netherlands but the Netherlands is a bunch of things I think the Netherlands is Denmark it's some UK shit yeah it's all like it's locked in together pick one

yeah just come on guys make it easy for us 7 hour flight 8 hour flight that's fucking light work, bro. Whatever, baby. Let's rock. I mean, you gotta understand.

Like you said, this is gonna be your second impromptu European trip in the last few months. My nickname is Kevin Couch Clancy. When was the last time you left the country? Your honeymoon? Yeah, probably. Like, I don't leave the country, dude.

Dude, that's crazy. If it's not for work, I don't get on a plane. I'm excited for this journey with you, then. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be like taking my kid on vacation. This is the world, sweetheart. Look how much different stuff there is to see like i've only no they don't have incidents here yeah yeah right right can i get a burger please uh yeah i mean i

don't i just you know i i had a moment like a couple years ago and it was it was kind of fugazi because social media is fake but i was like i can't remember who but it was like i remember this you watch like fucking like people like on wakeboard yeah it was like somebody who i knew though it wasn't like influencers just like a regular person i know and their instagram was like unbelievable and they were like yeah like fucking wakeboarding and like the waters of fucking you know the french riviera i don't know whatever and i was just like we i grew up with that guy and we like did the same things and now he's just living his life that way and i'm just living we i grew up with that guy and we like did the same things and now he's just living his life that way and i'm just living my life this way because of choice not

because i don't have the money not because i don't have the means or the ability he was just like fuck it i'm gonna go do this and i was like i'm just gonna do the regular shit yeah yeah uh and and so i don't i i just don't do shit like this. And it takes something of this magnitude. So I'll forever be thankful because it's like somebody – Kevin Clancy – I'm sorry. Burt Karcher might have forever altered Kevin Clancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might – this is awesome. I want to come – It's nothing I don't think – I know it's awesome. Yeah, but when you finally do it Yeah yeah You just get up and do it There's one thing between Knowing it's awesome

And one thing being like I did it I experienced it It was awesome Yeah and it's like I bought the most European Pair of pants the other day too Oh

Let me tell you what I'm gonna fuck you Is it tighter than your shirt? They're belly bottoms babe Belly bottoms Bell bottoms? Bell bottoms baby You're gonna be rocking

Bell bottoms in Amsterdam I bought a pair to be rocking bell bottoms in Amsterdam? I have a pair of polyester bell bottoms, and I'm wearing them tomorrow on the plane or today on the plane. Whatever the fuck we get on the plane. I'm wearing polyester on the plane might be a little much. Donny! Stop, baby. We got Dominican cut.

Yeah, you're looking tight, dude. High and tight. Give us the 90-second scoop on Amsterdam. So I just had a 24 hour layover there. Oh, perfect. It was awesome. Go easy on the magic truffles. At least if you take magic truffles

don't then get on one of those hop on, hop off canal cruises. Because that's what I did. It was just packed with 70 year olds while I was tripping balls. Some two just on the mic like, and over here. Oh, my God. Donnie, you're not helping me here, man.

Here's the Anne Frank house. Oh, Jesus. Was Anne Frank in Amsterdam? Yeah, I guess the Anne Frank house was there. Bro, you were tripping looking at the Anne Frank house? I literally cannot think of- That's like Bieber signing that. I wish he was a believer.

Dude, I cannot think of anything worse than thinking about Anne Frank while high. Yeah, that was a bad move. But it's a beautiful city. I'm very, very excited. Is it as crazy as it seems? Or is it like you get there and it's like, yeah, it's a little bit lax on some of the rules, but it's a regular place? Yeah, like a lot of the coffee houses i mean i was there back before like weed was fully legalized here so it was cool you go into the coffee house and they'll have a menu of

20 different types of joints that you can get bro i can't even handle american weed yeah like one hit of american weed and i am zooming and they had like flavored joints. I remember I got a cheese flavored joint. I'll be honest. That sounds awful. Gouda flavored. Oh. A beautiful place to walk around. Tons of people on bikes.

What's the weather? What's the weather situation? Like right now, is it going to be cold? Yeah. We're like on the same latitude kind of? Yeah. Okay. Pretty similar. I was there in the middle of the summer uh the wild thing their red

light district is very wild that was shocking because it's only about one block away from where people are walking with their families yeah and then it just like flips a switch it flips a switch and they just have all these women in these um storefronts almost like almost so you can go window shopping for hookers. We just saw that. Don't knock on the window. They're very big on don't touch the window and don't stare too long. Yeah, yeah.

But if you want to do like a walk down, that's fine. You fucking hookers? I don't know. I'm going to Europe. I don't know if I can see what this thing is like. I did not indulge, but if you were going to indulge, I feel like Amsterdam That's the place Would be the spot

Apparently all the hookers Have to have like Mandatory STD checks Ironically Hookers and porn stars And shit are the cleanest girls you'll find Yeah What about me?

Do I need a check? They check me first That's like COVID I don't know I was at a bar yesterday I'm sure they do They might make you wear a condom I'm sure they do

Oh yeah I forgot about condoms Yeah Yeah I forgot about condoms. Yeah, yeah. I forgot about condoms. Bro, you forgot about the existence of condoms. I thought for sure I was going to have to do blood work before I fucked up. Condoms are a thing.

God damn. Bro. Yeah, the front of all these places is just a glass window, and the hooker's just hanging out there. And if you see one you like, you just walk up to the window, and then you're like, all right, let's do this. Is it expensive? I'm sure they vary in prices.

I mean, I'm sure they do. I mean, I was there probably four or five years ago, and I heard, like, 50 euros could get you one nut. 50 euros a nut is not expensive. That's not. I thought it was like way more than that. We should do rock, paper, scissors. Whoever wins has to fuck the hookers.

Whoever loses has to fuck the most expensive. Oh, my God. I don't know if I want to win or lose. The most expensive could be like over 10. Yeah. But the only other person has to pay for it. Oh, oh, oh. It's the scariest rock, paper, scissors of my life.

Yeah, you want fucking intense. Holy shit. That's a rush right there. So you guys are flying there soon? Like 24 hours, he said. 24 hours. The game was you get a text, and within 24 hours, you're on a plane. That's awesome. Yeah. You guys are going to have a blast. I think so. You guys should go to a sex, and within 24 hours, you're on a plane. That's awesome.

Yeah. You guys are going to have a blast. I think so. You guys should go to a sex show, too. Oh, yes. That's a good in-between if you don't want to fuck a hooker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can watch other people fuck.

Yeah. It's like watching scouts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, boy, that Derek Jeter's got a good body on him. He's going to be big in the show. All right. I think I went to a peep show there where it was like a coin machine. Yeah.

Old school Times Square shit. Yeah. And you put in some coins. And the slot opens up. The window opens. And you just watch a lady fingering herself. That is some horny shit. When you're like, I need more quarters.

That is something. I'd like to do it like an old woman playing the slots. Where I got a fucking cigarette. A bucket. I got my oxygen on me. I'm just like to do it like an old woman playing the slots. Where I got like a fucking cigarette. I got my oxygen on me. I was like, fucking keep going. What's the food like? The food was good. What is like Amsterdamese food?

I think they like croquettes maybe. I was going to say, but it's some version of an empanada. Everything is some version of an empanada, right? That's very true. I couldn't name like a single meal I had there. It's just drugs. The food is good. You just eat drugs.

Bitterballen. I mean, if you told me that Strooper waffle is – That's a joke. Strooper waffle. Strooper waffle? Yeah. That's a joke. Bitterballen are great.

Those are the croquette things that I was thinking of. Those are... Raw herring? Oh, my God. It's going to be like an episode of Lowering the Bar. Dude. Amsterdam with the machine. Amsterdam.

I mean, Burt Kreischer's like... We do need to know what time our flight is. Yeah. We're just in your daily diary. We got to find out. Do we have to go to the airport? He's paying for the flights? Oh, yeah.

What a guy. Dude, he's an absolute legend. I mean, here it is. Travel reservation. Tuesday at 7.45 p.m. Oh, we get a Stephen A. Yes. Wait, Tuesday?

Yeah, Tuesday. Tell them not to cancel it then. I was writing the email right now. Thank God. Tuesday, 745. Arrive Wednesday, 9am. Sleep on that flight. Departure Friday, 12pm.

So it's canceled at Element and Quinn. Yes. I like it though. I think there's something to the in and outness of it. Otherwise, all of it's awesome, but if you just went on a vacation for a week to Amsterdam, so people have done that, I'm going to be back by the weekend. That's crazy. Does he have a show there, too, I assume?

Oh, yeah. That's a good point. I would guess so. I don't know what he's... He's either doing his tour or he's doing movie shows. No, he's on tour for sure. I would guess he has a show this week. Fuck yes. That would be sick.

Dude. Well, good luck, guys. No, like, that's the thing is this is not like a have fun trip. This is a good luck trip. I'm like, oh, boy, here we go. When my friends are like, we got to do a bachelor party. We're going to go away for the weekend to Jersey. This is some old school kidnapping.

Yeah, I'm getting kidnapped for the week. Throw a burlap sack over their head. Yep, yep. Oh, man. Fucking yeah. And that's like a fun spot. It's not like, hey, we're going to send you to some random spot in the world. You can't know where it is, and then you end up in like...

That's what we thought was happening. We thought it was like Africa. We thought it was like a safari or something like that. Bro, shout out to Direct Flights too. My man, Bert. That is... That's what's up. Alright. Thank you.

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a personal trainer. So join fit bod today and build a routine that lasts all year. Get 25% off your, your subscription or try the app for free at fitbod.me slash kfc that's f-i-t-b-o-d dot m-e slash kfc all right so now we have to tell our families uh i'm gonna call my mom i actually had something different i wanted to talk to my mom about today um and i'll just leave with this and then I'll ask her a different question. My mom is going to absolutely hate this.

She thinks that I'm going to die every time I do anything out of the ordinary. That's why I'm Kevin Couch Clancy. Hello. Hi, Mom. How are you? I'm well. How are you? Okay.

I'm going to Amsterdam tomorrow. Wow, fantastic. No pot, please. No pot. No pot. Sure. I had said that was the main thing I'd been saying on the show was that I'm not going to do pot. I'm not even listening to the show and I know these things.

Okay. I got to run. We got to do the show. But I will catch you later. Bye-bye. Hello. What's up, ma? Hey, babe.

You are on the podcast right now. I am? Yes. hello what's up ma hey babe you are on the podcast right now i am yes remember um last year when um that comedian told us that he was going to surprise us with a trip overseas oh god the day has come oh that's terrible news why do you tell me these things what do you want me to do you want me to try to hide it from you instead? It's your mother or something like that. You would be gone for a week and I wouldn't even know it.

You would have murdered me if I didn't tell you this. Well, you know, this is very unfair because now I have Godhead standing here telling me that my basement is illegal. I'm having a heart attack and now I'm really having a heart attack. Why? You don't have to worry about me. You've got to worry about your basement. That's a good thing. Focus on the basement.

Yeah, okay. I might be calling for money later. They tell you they do this stuff for free, but that never happens. You got it, Ma. Whatever you need. Okay. All right. You got it, Ma. Whatever you need. Okay. All right. You know, get ready.

This guy is going to come and go, and he can't fit in this crawl space. He's a big guy. I said to him, you can't fit here. That's even worse. Oh, here he comes. Okay. All right. Good luck, Ma. How they're going to, oh, here he comes. Okay. All right. Good luck, Ma.

How this is going to happen. I'm leaving tomorrow night and I'll be back on Friday. It opens from over there. It's probably just. You go ahead, Ma. I'll call you later. Okay. Okay.

Bye. She is going to be more mad about that phone call than be going now. She's going to be like, I was freaking out the whole day now. I probably could have pulled it off without her knowing, which is crazy that my parents are so unplugged. You can disappear for three days without anyone knowing. These days, it's hard, man. Like, just somebody. They're pretty unplugged.

But like she has friends who have kids who follow me and we have some family members who are like on social media. So inevitably she probably would have got a text being like, oh, so Kevin's in Amsterdam. And then she would have been like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it would have really been – it's crazy that I'm almost 40 and I'm afraid of my mom still. It's wild. But I am, absolutely. The first thing, I got a text to go, my mom's going to be so mad.

How about that reaction? Oh, that is terrible news. And you wonder why I just spent my life on the couch, right? And then I was wondering what was happening where she's like, he's not going to fit. I was like, what are you talking about? And that's just when you realize when your parents start getting old and it's like we're doing the thing here stop talking about the man in the crawl space we're not there mom nobody knows what even con ed is you idiot that was unbelievable dude she that was fantastic she is it's so funny do you guys know who daryl Brooks is? No. He is the guy who drove his truck into a crowd of people as an act of domestic terrorism.

I had France who did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that guy. Yeah, I think it is him. And he has represented himself in his trial. And my mom, I think the trial's over now. It's been a long time. But all she does is watch content about Daryl Brooks. And all she talks about is Daryl Brooks.

It's insane. Any topic that comes up, she goes like, oh, that's like when Daryl Brooks said. I'm like, we've been talking about this one guy for six months. And you realize, because your grandparents do wacky things, right? But when your parents start to get into that territory where it's like oh you repeated that entire story to me just last night and now we're still talking about it again and we just sit there going uh-huh uh-huh it's like motherfuckers are getting old dude she just texted does this person have a mother probably not this person is is like probably because i'm a broken home this person have a mother? Probably not. This person is like a broken home. This person.

European vacations are classic broken home behavior. This person is a few years younger than you. She absolutely thinks that it's like some 25-year-old. No, it's a 50-year-old man, mom. That's hilarious. What Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, no, it's a 50-year-old man, Mom. That's hilarious. What a fucking world, man. So, yeah. I mean, we can talk about other stuff, but, you know, obviously this is it.

Let's just go home and fucking pack. I mean, what else we... It is weird that we have other stuff to talk about. We don't really have other stuff to talk about. We're M&M's. We never have... M&M's are gay or some shit. I don't even know.

That's Super Bowl ad. But you know what? I fell for that trap too. But people keep saying that, but like, it's a thing. There was a thing. Like, there is a thing that's happening and they're leaning into it.

I hope to God it's... But like, it's not a... People were upset about it. Right. If that was a Super Bowl ad, that would be incredible. If like a year ago, they brought this shit up, they were like, we're gonna about it. Right. If that was a Super Bowl ad, that would be incredible. If a year ago they brought this shit up, we're going to get it. But when people are like, you got God, it's like, no, no, no. There are people who are actually upset about the genders of M&M's spokes candies.

That's a real fucking thing in the real world. And then it's a big enough thing for them to make it into a Super Bowl ad. Them being like, we got to spend like $10 million for 30 seconds. Let's talk about this. And it's gonna be the number one thing. When I first read it, I was like, I was still in bed. And I was like,

it was like, we learned that everything matters, even candy shoes, or whatever the exact quote was. I mean, people were like, I can't believe you're wearing high heels, or whatever the fuck it was. And I was like,

I was like, okay. The guy who wrote this must like, you has a job where you got to eat shit. But like no one in history has ever wanted to say as much like if you had any opinion on this whatsoever – You fucking losers. No, don't shut up. Die. Yeah, just straight up be dead.

Fucking die. But I mean there really was, right? What was the – so they had – I honestly don't know. I know there was a girl. I know there was controversy. I think it was, it was an all-girl bag.

Can you get, can you figure out what the controversy is, Pats? Because there always was a man and a woman, like, because the red one

was horny, everyone was like, I want to fuck the green M&M. Yeah, and the red one was like, the only reason P&M didn't even sell, dude.

P&M and M's aren't a top four M&M. It's just like, we want to fuck the green M&M. Yeah, and the red one was like... The only reason peanut M&M didn't even sell, dude. Peanut M&M's aren't a top four M&M. It's just like, we want to fuck the green one. No, wait. No, no. The green one's not peanut. Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The green one is tiny and just hot.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Oh, so they took her out of high heels. That's what it was. Oh, okay. That's fucking insane. And people were upset. I'll say this. I don't think I ever once even knew she was in.

And now Maya Rudolph has to come in and clean up this mess. Maya Rudolph is the new fucking spokesperson and she's got to deal with like all these weirdos. I'd be like for one billion dollars, Eminem. How about that? You pay me a billion and I'll step into this shit store. I'm busy doing the fucking Hormone Monsters voice. What do you need? Yeah, leave me the

fuck alone. I got to deal with your weirdos complaining about candies wearing sneakers. This world sucks, dude. Yeah, Tucker Carlson, I think, was just like, ah, turn it off. Ah, they're wearing sneakers now. Ah. Is femininity illegal?

We need to restore the family unit. M&Ms are wearing sneakers. I don't even fucking wear white sneakers. That's what they should have done. At one point, I had sneakers. Now they't even fucking wear white sneakers. That's what they should have done. At one point I had sneakers. Now they're just fucking ratty things. The M&M should have had dirty Air Force Ones. That would have represented today's female generation.

I saw a meme once. I never screenshot it and then find it to send it to you. Real quick. Let me just interrupt. My mom has been pushing me to create and sign a will for a long time now, and I just keep not doing it. One, because I am lazy and I'm depressed and I don't do things on the checklist.

Two, I don't really want to make a will. It seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh, I actually really want to make a will, but I also just keep pushing things as well. She's like, you better sign that Will. What if you don't and you die? Then she would have the ultimate, I told you so. Then she would have a big time, I told you so, on her hands. That'd be so funny.

Dude, just plane crashes. I mean, we'll see how strong the mush is. Because something going horrendously wrong would be the situation for sure. Yeah, so the situation for sure. Yeah, so, like, the M&M's, the M&M's thing is funny, because, like, it's not a thing, but it's a thing. It's fucking crazy. It's like, you can say, like, this is not a thing, like, nobody's really talking about this,

but people are fucking talking about this. The green M&M's got her boots back, but now is a lesbian, and also there's a plus size and obese purple. So now we're going to cover all that. I mean, it's just, yeah. It's like you're, God, we're a fucking joke, man. Let's go to Amsterdam, man.

Let's just get out of the country, bro. I don't want to live here anymore. Let's get out of here. The, I forgot what I was going to say. So here's a question. When, will we come back with an accent like Hilaria Baldwin?

Yeah, when I studied abroad. Like what? Hilaria Baldwin. She's back using her Spanish accent. You know about this? I know about it, yeah. So she stepped out in public the other day and did an appearance for the paparazzi. Because Alex is getting charged and they're following her everywhere. an appearance for the paparazzi because Alex

getting charged and they're following her everywhere. She's holding her baby and she's like, I'm going to talk. You are going to listen. She's from Boston, right? She's from fucking Boston, dude. Listen to this, man. It is unbelievable.

I want you guys to realize that we have seven kids and you being here to escort them to school and to... Wait till she says mommy. ...is not good. So on a human level, you guys know I'm not going to say anything to you. You know that. So please leave my family in peace.

In peace? And let this all play out. Okay? So let my kids come home and you stay away from them. Because they asked me, Mommy. Mommy! I actually... This is my first time ever seeing it.

This isn't as bad as I... In my head, I had played it up to, like, a million levels. For a girl who... Her parents are white. She lives in Boston. Like, what? That... It was...

The mommy was the only thing that really gave me pause. If Jackie started talking like that, you wouldn't think that was weird? You'd think that's okay? I guess it's one of those things like when you see the monster, it's not as bad as what it was in your head. Oh, man. I thought it was like... Bro, she goes like this all the time. She goes, how do you say in English, cucumbers?

She does it. Yes. Well, that's a different color. She says, how do you say in English when she's going to Boston? She was doing a cooking thing. She goes, how do you say in English? Cucumbers. She does it. She was doing it. She says, how do you say in English? She was doing a cooking thing. She goes, how do you say in English? Cucumber, cucumber. What's the word you have in English for this?

And then there are clips of her where she's just like totally normal. Let me play you the clip I have on my phone. Like she just slides in and out of it. And it's like she says she has Spanish oh yeah that's insane watch this where's the one this one

that's her that doesn't look like her it doesn't sound like her yeah that's crazy That's her? That's her. I look like her. I don't sound like her. Yeah, that's crazy. So sometimes she just is like, I'm going to be Spanish. Her name is like Hillary, Hillary, like whatever. Her maiden name is like a very white name. And now she's Hilaria Baldwin.

Hillary Thomas. She's Hillary Thomas from Boston, Massachusetts. And she has a couple family members over in Spain. It's nuts, man. But also, it's like snake it till you make it. She became an exotic yoga instructor on Instagram because she's from Spain. Otherwise, she would just be some dumb bitch from Boston. You know what I mean?

So snake it till you make it. But you got to commit to your bit. You can't be like, sometimes I'm English and sometimes I'm Spanish. That is the newcomer thing. I love it. I can't get enough. Put me over the edge for real. This is also a week after Alec Baldwin was pleading with all of Instagram for everybody to follow her so she could get a million followers.

And it was like tight shot on his face. And he was like, please please america please follow her she's so close to a million it was like it was like it was like adopting a puppy you know what you know what you fucking do man and i and i it is actually like it's one of the most respectable jobs of all time that you do god i don't know about that it's for one minute man because you watched it like i would i would i would be incapable of watching that it's the cringe factors through like i can't watch that even like this kind of stuff because i know i'm gonna cringe at that that's my first time ever seeing her watch it seeing her speak like that because like i'm just like it's gonna make me uncomfortable i'm just gonna scroll past this

yeah no i i said uh you're like you're like a guy like a fucking svu detective like i'll look i've seen it all look at the raped baby someone's gonna catch the guy i uh i said joe biden watching joe biden sing happy birthday and not knowing the name i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i can't believe he didn't die i have no proof in my mind in my mind that joe biden's president because i can't see any of it it makes me too uncomfortable falling off the bike. That's my only proof that Joe Biden's president is a secret service that was next to him when he fell off the bike. That's all I've seen. I haven't seen him speak.

I don't like seeing old men die. Yeah, we're just watching an old man die. Like slowly. I remember what my grandfather's car smelled like before he died. It smelled like dead body. It smelled like dead body. I don't need to watch it play on television. His body is for sure decomposing from the inside out.

Dude, I told my grandson. I was like, dude, your car is a dead body, bro. Grandpa, is there a dead body in your car? Yeah, mine. It's me. I'm 96. It's the driver. It's the guy driving you.

I started dying 20 years ago. Where did he die from? Being 96. Being alive too long man It is I can't It is Bro it's one of those things

We talked about it with Matt Lauer Where it's like If you have 42 million dollars a year Would you wake up at 3am every day? Or would you wake up at 2am And be at work at 4am? It's like If you made 42 million dollars a year

Would you watch The most uncomfortable videos On the internet? I don't know man There's a lot of them out there bro I am I will carry that I'd rather watch

I'd rather go back To the old days Of the E-bombs Of the fucking Watch Face of the Death Like what was it Live Link Yeah

I could watch that Easier than I could Watch fucking Hilaria Baldwin speak Bro if you're Hillary Thomas And all of a sudden You start telling people

To call you Hilaria Come on man Or But like it would be cool If she was like behind the scenes like yo let's make this bread like let's pretend you know but if she actually thinks it i mean that's that you're bordering on like you have like a disorder if you do that and you think people are like not catching on you know like yeah nobody nobody gets this dude her name's not just hillary it's like

hillary lynn yeah i mean it's like white girl shit dude it's actually funny like the the i was thinking about the uh demographics of america recently as you do as one does and uh it's because i was up skiing and and i mean if i said this on the show or if i said this to you maybe but uh that like i was skiing and and at mountain resorts up in vermont and everywhere across the country, they have, like, all resorts have, like, trade systems with other resorts where it's like, oh, when you're off-season, we're in-season, so your workers can come work here, that kind of shit. And I was at Killington a couple weeks ago, and they had a lot of Bahamian lift instructors, like, lift attendants.

Like, they're not teaching you to ski. They're just standing at the lift to make sure they hit the stop button if someone falls. And a lot of Bahamian, Peruvian, Argentinian, that stuff makes more sense because it's their summer now. Those are good mountains there. So it makes a lot more sense for Peruvians and Argentinians. But I had never really seen that many Bahamians on the mountain. And so they're spending, let's call it, five months in Vermont. And they must go home and watch sports

or entertainment and be like, I don't know where they got all these black people from. You spend five months on a mountainside in Vermont. You go home and you're like, dude, I don't know where Denzel came from. Denzel's an import or something. Like, I don't, it doesn't make from. Denzel's an import or something. It doesn't make sense. You could spend five months.

There's Asian people. You see a lot of Asian people skiing, but you don't. You're telling me you only see one black person. Not unless it's the fucking guy from the Bahamas. Of course, I'm not going to say I've never seen one. But on a regular ski day, I've not seen a black person. Are there Jewish people there? I don't get into this. They don't make them wear stars, so it's that rare. But on a regular ski day? No, I've not seen black person. Are there Jewish people there? I don't get into the stars.

They don't make them wear stars, so it's hard to see. You're not tattooed anymore? What the fuck does that mean, dude? You set me up for a... My first question every time I get into the gondola, what god do you pray to? Set me up. That's fucking hilarious.

That's great, bro. Bro, we're going to Amsterdam. Going to fucking Amsterdam, baby. We're going to Amsterdam tomorrow night. Night flight. Overnight. So it's 745. That's the way to do it.

Yeah, so we'll leave at 745. We'll wake up at 9am. I'm going to start slugging waters. Yo, do you think that we're going to go... Give me some fucking... I almost said Ivermectin but the other one? What's the other one? Ivermectin? Yeah, but no. The one that I would be drinking right now

and pouring into water. Liquid IV? Liquid IV. Very different. To our sponsors IV, sure. Very different. To our sponsors, liquid IV. Very different than Ivermectin. They both take care of anything you need. You got COVID, you got a hangover? Pick one.

Do you think, so we'll land at 9 a.m. Do you think that we, like, by like 10 a.m. we're doing some crazy shit? Do you think that they're going to bum rush us? Yes, I do think that. I wonder if they – because they're there already. Yeah, they've been there for a while. That's what I'm saying.

They've been there. So they're kind of in their routine almost. They might be like, no, no, no. We go to the gym. Because I know that Bert lives his life pretty – it's not like – it's a party, but it's also like – Routine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get up, get the day done. So I wonder if it's going to be –

I remember when we did him on a Saturday and we were offering him a beer because it was like – Yeah, he parties, but he – And he's like, no, the day's not done. Right. That's the reward at the end of the day. Get the day done. He loves his treats. Yeah.

So I wonder if it'll be like – but for this, if it's like pick you up at the airport and like we're fucking – It'll be a real great joke if he wasn't there i'm i said you guys would go to amsterdam i'd say shit about me i i'm burke christian losers busy and famous yeah i'm a millionaire you losers get out of here man uh okay but here's the thing i think we should do something nice for them well i would imagine like so what do we do do we do we like pay for something there or bring something or you know what i mean they're american so i think we probably just pay for something there basically we're gonna bring blue jeans we brought this this is from our people here it's

just so you know america still exists yeah like like like um i mean what what can you what can you and i do for burt kreischer yeah that he would even be like thanks man i'll get a machine tattoo over there oh he would really appreciate that i'll do that maybe that's what we do my body's become a fucking your body is a fucking go your body is is a billboard that is not for sale. If Burt wants me to get a machine tattoo. No, that's what we should do. We should do some monster-ass promo for his movie. And that would be like getting a Burt tattoo. I don't know if I want to get a cool one and have it visible or a goofy one and I don't

want to get my ass or something like that. Right. What about just like Burt's face on your ass? Just a big old machine face. I don't know if I'm into that one. I think the machine. I mean, he's the machine, bro. What. Just a big old machine face. I don't know if I'm into that one. I think the machine. I mean, he's the machine, bro. What are you talking about?

I know. I'll figure it out. If Bert wants it, I'll do it. What if it's just a picture of him? If he's like, no, dude, that's weird. That's fine, too. Not his biggest, where he's like, when he has his big belly, and he always kind of stands with his arms at his hips, and he just performs like that.

And with a hat on. I might get that. Yeah. Yeah, I might get that. I'll get a Bert. Yeah, we got it. I will let Bert make the decision. If he wants me to get a fucking machine tattoo I will get it

You guys really are Like kindred spirits I'm going on I'm going on this trip With like you guys It's a Bert thing But this is also like Do not discount The number two man on this trip, Fido Burt.

You know what I mean? Like, you guys are overlooking. Yeah. Like, it's like. It's a ghost of Chris's past, future situation, me and Burt. Yes. We're both like, so he's like, that's what it was like. And I'm like, that's what it was going to be like.

Solid. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, but it's also like, it's like lebron and wade you know what i mean it's like don't forget yeah like shaq was a monster don't forget kobe yeah there's a there's another player here and i'm like fucking you know like taran lu or some shit just like the coach well no yeah yeah he used to play with him yeah yeah i sorry. He's just going to get stepped over. I'm like – I hope I'm like Robert Ori. I hit a big three at one point. Yeah, so I mean I don't even know what I could do and not that they would even – I don't think even really care. But it's like you got to be thankful somehow, but I don't even know what I could do.

It's truly like what do you get the guy who has like everything. Because it's not only like – know you could get uh like there are rich people out there but they don't like spend their money on cool shit you know what i mean but like burt does cool things and has cool things so it's like i can't you know i can't even well how can i compete here you know i don't know give me a month or so and i can fucking ground something together for you Bert man fucking did we figure out what country it's in

Denmark is that where it is wait does nobody in this room know where Amsterdam is I'm pretty sure it's Netherlands I think Netherlands is the country

yeah I don't think I thought the Netherlands is like a group of things I thought the Netherlands is like I'll say this the Netherlands definitely

is a soccer team in the World Cup yo this isn't a real word. The United Kingdom doesn't. You gotta go to Hooftop Shipdol. I mean, yeah. These cities and these places are absolutely fake life.

Is Amsterdam like on the water? Yeah. Interesting. Wild. Fucking wild. Alright. Alright. It's going down, man. Can I tell you a joke?

What was that? Can I tell you guys a joke? I just want to see. I want to see a joke. Yeah, yeah. I want to see a joke. Let's go. Okay.

Tell the joke. I don't know how it's a joke. I like my sandwiches like I like my pussy. Wet. Okay. I was just checking if I was high last night. I was. Why would you like your sandwiches wet?

I love my sandwiches wet. Like too much oil and vinegar type shit? Oil, vinegar, mustard mayonnaise. No, I'm with that. I was making my sandwich last night. I think you need to maybe refine the joke. But I'm with you on wet sandwiches. You know what?

It works. Never mind. I was just talking out loud to myself making a sandwich. I was like giggling my ass off. I was like, I don't know if I'm high. I was like, I was just like saying out loud. I was like, I like my sandwich like I like my pussy. Wet.

I do like when the bread is almost like falling apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah it's good puss how about um that's sloppy why don't boxers have sex the night before a big boxing match they come when they get hit I don't know

they're just not that into each other did you make that one up no it's a good dad joke alright so we'll get into our interview with Jessica did you make that one up no it's a good dad joke it's a good dad joke um all right so um we'll get into our interview with jessica we gotta do voicemail oh yeah yeah yeah yeah let's get into our voicemails and then we got one more we got jessica kirsten on the show who is um when i say that jessica kirsten is like the fastest growing comic in the world

i'm not that's that's a fact dude and i've heard that from other people in the industry just stefano was talking about it you've been seeing her name a lot more but when she told us that she went from 13 to 300 000 subscribers in six months i think she said under that like three months that is fucking bananas like i don't even know how that's that's like what did she do you know like what what happened there must i know she but one you know like one gets you 300 000 subscribers on on youtube like what that's fucking crazy town so uh just next level absolute like bulldozing through the game and she's been you know doing it for 25 30 years so like nobody deserves it more than her and she i i feel more comfortable around her than like almost like anybody in my life like you can say fucking

anything and she rolls with it so let's do our voicemails and then we'll get into our interview and then we'll start packing and shit um by the way i read two plays this weekend big fan of reading you read two plays yeah like where it has like the notes and the like the names colon dialogue yeah you feel like a fucking genius you did like a table read with yourself yeah all in the irish accent obviously naturally it was because i bought like four actually i think about like eight because one was a book of four. Martin McDonnell plays. It's because I like Banshees and Bruce so much.

I was like, I guess I should check out this writer. Two of my favorite movies in the last 20 years are both by the same guy. I should check him out. And you just read it and you like think about what's going on in the plot and stuff. It's not, I mean, I just envision it. Like you're watching a movie.

I mean, like any, whatever you're reading, I see it. And, yeah, it was all in an eye-opener. But are there notes, like, you know, like, it's nighttime. Like any script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're, like, in your head, you're picturing the setting and all that shit. Yeah, yeah. I read the cripple of Inish Man, Inishman, and the Investigator of Inishmore.

Oh, this is just his thing, huh? The Blank of Blank. No, not all of them, but those are the two I read. Hangmen is another one I'm going to start tonight. So he's got three that are the Blank of Blank? He's got like a hundred. I mean, he's a playwright. But I'm saying that title.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Banshees of Inchering. Banshees of Inchering he wrote like, I think I actually just watched a Colin Farrell interview that he wrote, like, 10 years ago. That he wrote it, like, 7 to 10 years ago, I think. Dude, that is crazy to me. That, like, that's not that far-fetched, like, that you do something and, like, 10 years later it comes to fruition. Yeah. Like, I mean, there are things that, like, you know, if I, like, wanted to do a One Minuteman video and then, like, a day goes by, it's like, ah, never mind.

It's over. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ten years, and you're like, yeah, let's revive that fucking book. Bro, I was watching the Hollywood Reporter, like, table sit-down of all the Oscar actors. It was, like, it was Austin Butler, Colin Farrell. Here's another one, by the way,

if I'm going to make fun of Hilaria Baldwin, you can't just continue to talk like Elvis. I didn't see, but him, I don't know what he sounded like before. I don't know either, but I've seen, not that like you can't, or maybe you can and just say,

fuck it. But we need to at least acknowledge it because that's, that's insane. What did he do? He, he, Ryan Gosling just says, I have my voice is fake. I made it up. Oh, just like in general, need to at least acknowledge it because that's what did he do he ryan godson just says i have

my voice is fake i made it up oh just like in general wasn't like one specific yeah when he was younger he didn't like his voice canadian he didn't like his voice hell yeah he wanted to but that's different than like like that's like i am doing this to change it versus like i started something and now i can't stop it yeah yeah he's like i wanted to sound he tried to do like marlon brando and he's gonna kind of get stuck He does have a distinct voice, especially in Crazy Stupid Love when he's kind of talking like a tough guy. And it is like he does kind of sound like a little bit Canadian. It's a little funny, but it is cool. Yeah.

So mission accomplished. Yeah, he nailed it. Great voice. But the – I was going to say. Dude, he was talking about – oh, it was also Sandler, Colin Farrell, Butler, Brendan Fraser, Jeremy Pope. I forget the guy's name. The guy who played, he plays the, he's an Asian guy. He's in everything, everywhere, at once.

He gave the speech at the Golden Globes. Everyone loves him. I don't know his name because he hasn't been acting for 50 years. But that was great. He's legitimately been out for 50 years. Jesus Christ. This was the first script he got back. What? And then, dude, Austin Butler was saying. He's legitimately been out for 50 years. Jesus Christ. And then, dude, Austin Butler was saying when he walked the Disney Channel, they made

$100 a day. Disney Channel's a sweat factory. That is crazy. He's like, we were excited for cookies and $100 a day. You know, at that age, it's a lot of money. Yeah, that shit is, all those children's places gotta be weird. I guess it was probably, Nickelodeon was a literal, like, predator trap. Yeah. guess it was probably... I mean, Nickelodeon was a literal, like, predator

trap, but Disney was probably weird as shit, too. No, he worked for both. I think it was Nickelodeon. Nickelodeon had that guy that they called the creator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They hid in a room. He directed the shit from another room because he couldn't be in the room with the children. How about you just fire

him? I'm sure someone else can direct Zach and Cody. We're not doing fucking Oscars here. Jesus. We've got who's the biggest asshole in store right now at the Barstool Sports Store. 500 questions with detailed social, romantic, office, life situations.

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all the scenarios you've heard on the podcast. Buy it now today at the Barstool Sports Store, along with all of our merch under the KFC Radio radio umbrella go to store.barstoolsports.com i like that tagline we can use that when there's a girl on a guy's trip whip out the deck uh all right we'll get into our interview with jessica curson uh but first before we do that um we will be doing an episode for thursday's, we will be addressing the latest from our girls, Alex and Jordan, on the Mean Girl Pod. They put up another video. I have not seen the video.

I know the concept of the video. They done did it again. Why can't boys go on? Why can't girls? Why can't girls go on the guy's trip? But it goes both ways. Yeah, yeah. trip but i but it goes both ways yeah but they are specifically talking about how come you know you're how come you're dating somebody who you're supposed to like and supposed to be friends with

but then when it comes time to go on a trip that you're gonna go out and have fun with your friends you can't bring that person along can i see the clip before we get into it yeah because it's not like um jordan says like she's like because most people don't like the people they're dating but she says that like we like, here it is. Why does the one girl on the guy's trip have to automatically be the worst? Like, why can't I just be chilling with you guys? I know. Because society makes it seem like men always hate their girlfriends and wives.

And, like, we're the lame ones. It doesn't have to be that way. Because I think a lot of people, it's about 50-50, but a lot of people i know don't like their significant other it's like it's bad but they're not friends with them like a lot of men date girls to be like we talked about yesterday caretakers or to be their arm candy and girls date guys to unfortunately pay the bills or take care of them and that maybe was more back in the day but not a lot of people date people that they're friends with it sucks but it's true

why does the one girl okay so the floor is yours john no no i don't i don't want the floor i don't have like a ton to say on the matter. I would say this. If we're going on a guy's trip and you bring your girlfriend, you bring your wife, I'm going to try to fuck her. And that's not because I want to. It's because the lesson has to be learned. It's because I have to. I don't want to. I have to.

You made me. I'll be fucking your wife going, you made me do this. You made this happen. It's like, it's just, it't want to. I have to. You made me. I'll be fucking your wife going, you made me do this. You made this happen. It's like, it's just, it is like, I get what they're saying. There are plenty of people who are like, I have plenty of guys who's like, they're girls. Like, dude, I got guy friends whose girl's more fun than the guy. I like them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the, it has nothing to do with that. It's just the tone of the drink. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Yes. here's the thing here's the thing yes but also the very fact that they don't understand why why not is why you know it's like we as always we are generalizing we are stereotyping the whole nine um but like jordan said it is basically 50 50 if not more than that when this shit is is how relationships mostly unfold the when you start dating somebody if we're talking

about real relationships serious relationships guys give up like everything and the guy's trip is like the one thing that they can still do you know like see i am such a bad person in a relationship you don't give up and selfish i don't know what you're talking about well so yeah again that they can still do. See, I am such a bad person in a relationship. You don't give up. And selfish. I don't even know what you're talking about. Well, so again, generalizing. What are you guys, fucking idiots?

Don't do it. You are doing it right, man. I know a guy, a friend of mine, who just got engaged after fighting the fight for over a decade, trying to be like, I'm not ready. In a testament to people I've been with in my life,

like no one's really asked me to. I've never been in fights like, I'm not doing that. It's just like, I don't know if no one's ever really asked me to change. I don't even think, I think it's- Or maybe they haven't.

I'm just not, I am that bad at reading signs. Probably. There's probably 50-50. I think with me, I end up doing it because I, like myself, it's like I have guilt towards it or i think it's supposed to be this way or i'm like oh you know what girl would want me partying all the time or

or doing like all this shit all the time like that's not gonna make her happy so i'm not gonna do it and it's like i never said that why'd you go do all that you know what i mean but it's like i mean obviously you lose. Like you can't hook up with anybody else and you can't date anybody else. Like that's off the table. And then slowly – That was a fair one. Yeah. But then slowly like – all right, you used to like live with your buddies and like had a fun time doing that.

And then that changes to your girlfriend. And that can be fun and awesome in other ways. But like that's now gone. And then like you used to go out all the time and now you go out a little bit less and you used to golf more and you do a little bit less and then if you have kids or whatever you know then you're talking further down the line they're obviously still talking more about dating but it's like you you have like all the things that you do in your life that are fun and then girlfriends change all that and hopefully it's for the better but a lot of times there's still like the yearning to go do

that shit and it's like and actually i'm over complicating it the real the real answer is like the tone of the trip is like the guys are getting together they're gonna talk crazy act crazy be crazy not gonna do anything over the line they're just gonna like be their former selves uh and wrestle we're gonna fight and you're gonna talk shit you're gonna act a certain way you're gonna fucking fart and you're gonna puke and you're gonna be gross and you don't have to worry about what you say and don't say and you don't have to worry about offending another girlfriend or i can bring up that story about your ex-girlfriend or the girl that you fucked that one time and whatever and no matter how cool you are you're the odd man out and you're gonna get

like inevitably you're gonna get upset about something or be offended by something or and maybe rightfully so but it's also like that's why we usually censor ourselves in front of you we change how we behave in front of you or the girls or when we're i'm a different person when i'm uh on a date or in a relationship than i am with the guys and now i have to like blend those two and it's not fun it's also like it's i i think it's fucking sexist of the ladies to even make a deal out of this because like i have trips where like i'll go with my high school friends and my current friends and my college friends and my grown-up friends are grown up and i'll have like times where like yo oh and my friends are growing up and i'll have like times where like yo oh yeah my boy's gonna come and a lot of trips where i know it's

like it's just the high school friends it's just again it will be weird it doesn't even have to be guy or girl it's just like there are girls on that trip right but it's just the high school people because we're gonna talk stories we're gonna talk this kind of shit like you're gonna be on that now you're just gonna it's gonna be awkward with you there and no matter how much that person can be like dude i'm totally good like i'll just do my own thing or whatever if you are a regular person you're probably like oh fuck he feels left out or she feels left out or i gotta like worry it's like hosting you're still hosting and walking on eggshells and worrying about your girl when you want to just be like it's like the vineyard

trip i take every year is the fucking like it's like my high school best friends i love you kevin i'm never gonna invite you on that no it would be weird right it would be it just wouldn't work i don't understand yeah a single thing any of you guys are talking about right right and it would be and it's not to say by the way you can do like the jack and jill um pot bachelor red things i just go so far as i prefer that yeah well that i think that's something like as i've never done older i've never done one but the difference is it's a crew of girls and a crew of guys what she's talking about is being like the one girl

that comes to a guy's trip why would you even want that like you said I can see her being a good time and I'm sure we'd have fun it would just be different it's not the guy's trip. And whether or not you are cool with it, you can't dictate how other people are going to be.

I'm just being normal. Great. I'm being 30% of myself. Yes. I'm being like 5% of myself. For the one weekend I was looking forward to being 100% of myself. I'm glad you're having fun. I'm glad we're not making you feel uncomfortable.

You're making us? When you are a single guy you are being 100 of yourself when you start dating someone i'd say you're being 10 of yourself like you you you most guys i think completely change and then they want to be able to flip it back on and it's like by the way a lot of this shit is like 10 it's a big i know i'm being i'm's like by the way a lot of this shit is like 10% is a big I'm being I'm exaggerating but but and a lot of this shit you do on purpose like you're you're changing you're maturing or you like different things and it's like I don't want to party every night I don't want to fuck somebody new all the time and so I'm okay with like it being different but every now and then you know I won't go back to the old me don't make me go back to the old me and like when you

are just like but to me it's the it's the not understanding why is like god damn it you guys don't get this I think it's just more of an example of like you just think everything should be about you you guys now and it's like

I would never and again i love alex alex is great i there's nothing against alex this is i'm fighting the idea itself yes never in a billion years would i have and i got long balls i got a set of fucking nuts on me never in my life would i have the set of nuts to say can i come on the girls oh never because guess what also also Also because a feminist. I can't even be outright mean to your face about this. So true. On the trip.

On the trip, the girls would be like, hey, John, you having fun? You fucking fat asshole. You loser. Hey, you fucked up the whole weekend. You having a good time? We all hate you. You're happy with yourself? Yeah.

You stupid fucking cunt. And meanwhile, all the guys would be like, hey, Samantha, like, what's up? We're so happy you're here. Don't do the dishes. I got the dishes. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come out.

Come out. Come out. I'll tell you what. That's the other thing. A lot of girls, I think, don't know what goes on, you know? And that's not to say that, like, oh, we're doing blow when we're fucking hookers. But, like, we're going to probably live, live like gross for the weekend or the week or whatever. No, because even then you don't.

Because you got a guy. I got a girl guy. What? I already got a guy who's a girl. He'll take care of the dishes. Don't worry. One of my best friends has grown up. He's become a woman.

He'll do dishes. But you know what I mean? It's like there are things that you would maybe. But you know what I mean. Yeah, there's always one. The guy who plans and the guy who cleans. The reason I'm saying it like this is Alex tweeted that she did all the dishes. That's the reason I brought up dishes.

Right. But that's – it's like I don't care if the dishes are even done. Don't come on the trip and say, but I'm doing the dishes so it's okay. I would rather there be a pile full of dishes and we can tell the jokes that we want to tell. It's like this is not an indictment of you as a person or whatever it's just the vibe of the event and i think what really the problem is is it just doesn't really go two ways i'm sure there's i'm sure there are a ton of chicks who i would say the vast majority want to have their girls weekend without bringing

the guys but there are also chicks out there that would be like, I would love to bring my boyfriend along. And there's not many guys out there who would love to bring their girlfriend along. Those vacations exist. Right. We're going to take that vacation too. Right. We're going to do that with other couples. Yes, that's the thing.

But I think – It's not – look, babe. We're doing all right. We bought a basketball team. I'm going to take a couple of vacations this year. 99% of them you can come on. Right, right. I think the difference is a lot of girls when

they get a boyfriend i mean you see it with the mean girls they're constantly talking about finding one and having one and blah blah blah and then so when you get one it's like we're gonna do everything together forever and ever always always always and i just think i think everybody would be healthier if it was like even moving in together when you first are dating someone you're like excited on the nights that you're going to go see them. It's like, oh, tonight I'm going to go on a date with her or tonight I see her. And then you separate and then when you come together, it's fun, sexy and kinky. And then you're moving together and it all just becomes plain. Like everything – I think when your life becomes your relationship, life gets monotonous and boring.

So then your relationship is going to get monotonous and boring too. So you can't just – you can't – it's independent George and relationship George. And they can't coexist. And if they do, it's like you're going to get relationship George on an independent George trip. It's going to suck. So we'll have the girls on to debate it. I'm sure their side of it is just going to be like, no. But I just –

Jackie, what's your side? I mean you wouldn't want guys on the girls trip. You're one of those girls who's like, fuck it. We're trying to like be dirty hookers for the weekend. We don't need you guys. No, but I think that girls are the same where it's like you're like 10% around guys. There's just no replicating. I think it's way worse.

The guy who goes on the girls trip. I do think that there are some girls who can hang. I think there are certain situations where you can bring a girl and she knows when to... I always knew girls in the finance world who would go out to the happy hour and then they went home before the strip club. And they knew that the client and the guys are going to go do that and I'm just going to peel off.

And there are girls who know how to do do that the guy who goes on the girls trip and is just like i'm here ladies i that guy i i've absolutely never done that i'm trying to think if i could do that i i i would have no desire i would be like no go when i was like married for you to even invite me when i was like married or you know like in a very serious relationship i've gone on like it was not a girl's trip it was like i'm gonna go to boston and see my friends for the weekend like do you want to come and i went and it ended up being like all the girls and like there was no boyfriends or whatever and i was like well why the fuck am i here then you know i mean i just had to hang out for the weekend you know but it was like it wasn't like

i was there for a bachelorette party or something it was just like and it was just her and a couple of her friends so it was fine but i was also like oh i was very much under the impression that there was going to be another boyfriend or a mixed company or whatever now this is just me and four girls and i you know and also the other thing about all this is like if they're cool i'm gonna going to be cool. I'll be fine. But it's a matter, did I ruin their time? You know? Are these girls now being like, oh, fuck.

But I don't think they think it. Because I'm so goddamn giving. Yeah. Guys are always thinking of others. Men are always worried about the women, see? That's the thing. We're always worried about you. It's a stereotype to even call out.

But I am constantly worried that I am ruining the ladies' time. Whereas they're like, what? Like, let's all have fun i don't get it it's like the fact that you don't get it is it that's the thing so we'll talk to the girls about it uh but needless to say the mean girls have done it again the amount of tweets that i got that were like oh god kfc radio needs to talk about this like somebody said kfc's gonna do 45 minutes on this. Gaz just wrote no, like tagged at KFC Radio. So the people need to hear from us. Honestly, I don't even think I can talk about it. It's one of those things where you're just talking to someone who doesn't speak the same language.

We have no way to figure out each other because it just doesn't make sense. They'll ask some questions, though, or say some things that will just simply baffle us. That would be great. They'll be like, what do you mean you can't... What do you mean you censor yourself around us? What do you mean? What do I mean? Of course we do! We don't act the same way in front of girls as we do in front of guys. What?

I don't like you acting the way... You act different. Everybody puts on the mask. Everybody plays different parts. It's basically being like, I'm a cool co-worker. Why can't I come hang out with you? Like you said. It's like, no.'s basically like being like i'm a cool co-worker why can't i come hang out like you said yeah it's like no these are two different worlds that don't match up and if you if all your world is one world you got a fucking weird world weird you got to have separation

of church and state and work and friends and relationships and sex and then this place makes it pretty messy this barcelona becomes one world so bad but the bad. And that's why Barcelona is like a fucking horror house. So we will address it in full with the girls, but let us know what you think and if there's any exceptions or how can you do it successfully and all that stuff. What's going on KFC Radio? Hope everyone's doing well.

I'm going to get right into it. I was wiping my ass the other day. I use baby wipes. You could eat soup out of my butt, okay? I'm also going to say really quick, I do not ever wipe back to front. It's always front to back. Crazy. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, I was wiping my butt. Some things will never change. I was doing the through the leg action. Again, not back to front, front to back. And my thumb, like the top of my thumb, like this part, I got fat little fingers. He does have fat. It hit my nuts and I was like, funny. And then when I pulled my hand back up, there was shit on my thumb from touching my balls

i'm not a gross guy i clean i'm chubby already we smell just to begin with you know we have to be conscious of that how long has this been a thing you know i feel how long have you been on your balls i don't know just wanted to see if you guys let me tell you something let me tell you something anywhere near that just something that

you've you know you might have done for a long time that is you know was really gross I know

you know you guys talk John does a lot of gross things let's see if you and I you and I are different you know like we are not the same

let me tell you let me tell you let me tell you a little something i went on uh i went on rory and maul show last week um formerly of the joe budden show now they're out on their own and they're crushing it and they're kind of um pivoting from like hip-hop more into like what we do just shooting the shit and doing topics and funny stuff so we did a lot of answer the internet stuff and we did sit on a dick and a cake you know and um they asked me kind of like so you know you do all these right you know you talk about all this kind of shit you know and i was talking about i used to say to myself like when my kids are still young i can do all this one day i'm to like say enough.

We made enough money. We've done enough things. Like, well, we'll keep doing the show, but it's not going to be like this. And then I was like, but I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. Just realistically, I'm not going to like stop myself from having the fun conversations we've always had. I would like to move on from wiping. I would like to move on from conversations about wiping shit off our ass.

So would I. But then someone calls and says they go front to back from under the leg. I would like to move on from conversations about wiping shit off our ass. So would I. It's like the internet just. But then someone calls and says they go front to back from under the leg. And that they have shit on their nuts. And I have to just be like, what? Now we got to talk about it. But like. What?

I've heard of people going under the leg. I've heard of people going under the legs. You're pushing up. That's almost. First of all, front to back. Is that how you would do it? Front to back, back to front. It does not matter if you're a guy. No. You can do whatever you want. I can't even fucking sit on the gyro. You can go front to back, front to back, back to front, it does not matter if you're a guy.

You can do whatever you want. You can go left to right, right to left, up and down, in and out, circles. You can do whatever you want. You only got to worry about that if you got a pussy. So that is not a thing. Second of all, you're right. If you go underneath, you're starting from a position of already stretching and have to stretch further.

And then also, are you telling me that you go, I mean, I guess I'm not moving on from it. you're starting from a position of already stretching and have to stretch further. Should go further. And then also, are you telling me that you go, here, I mean, I guess I'm not moving on from it. I guess we're really going to break it down. So he wipes and then comes back and wipes again. You know what? He only does... Because I just go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until it's clean.

Yeah, it's like... You don't start, finish, and restart from the same spot, back and forth until it's clean. Yeah, it's like... You don't start, finish, and restart from the same spot, do you? That's fucking weird. It's basically like... I'm going to change it a little bit so it's easier to discuss. Okay. It's like... Please do, God. ...fucking cleaning your windshield when it snows.

And when it's right here, you can just go... But then some people get lazy and they don't want to go to the other side of the car. So they can of reach. It's like that. And that's how this dude wipes his ass. That's smart. That was fucking brilliant.

Because I was like, I can't think of anything to compare that. You kind of like throw it and pull it. Throw it and pull it. Or the opposite. You push it. But either way, it's like a restart every time. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Yeah, and it doesn't clean well.

The way you just said that was like, I forget. And then it happens. And Sonny goes, smart, Charlie. So I will say this. You don't go through the legs. You don't stand up. The only time stand up ever I heard a good argument was Pat McAfee. And he was like mixing a squat once in a while because his legs are so fucking huge.

He's like, I can't reach it. So I have to stand up. If you are a professional punter and a professional wrestler and you have legs like tree trunks, you're physically incapable or you're super fat, fine. Normal people, I think you should stay with your ass on the bowl. Now, we're doing this? I'm a stand-in. You're a stand-in.

It's crazy. I don't get it. It's weird. As a guy, you can wipe in any direction you want. I do not understand the shit on the balls. I think he's just wiping it on his own balls. So he's pushing it from his ass to his balls? No, I think when he pushes and he comes back, he accidentally on the balls. I think he's just wiping it on his own balls. So he's pushing it from his ass to his balls? No, I think when he pushes and he comes back,

he accidentally hits his balls. Every time, yeah. And remember, that's how he laughed. When he laughed at that, it's because he got fucking shit on it. Let me tell you something, sir. If you have poop on your butt, and then by your own actions move it to your nuts, you are retarded.

That you are too stupid to wipe your own ass without it spreading to your nuts. That is as stupid as it fucking gets. From a stupid man, that's a high level of stupidity. I mean, that's an unattainable level of stupidity, I would have said. And thirdly, crazy. Crazy to put your face on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm this guy, I go get, like, facial reconstruction surgery right now.

I need to do Nicolas Cage, John Travolta face-off because I chose. We might have to, for his own good, blur his face. I think we have to blur his face. I don't think this man realizes what he just did. Unless he's like. He's like, you know that meme that people use way back in the day and still occasionally when they want to be super insulting where a pig shits on its balls i do that that's me as a human man disgusting disgusting yeah that's repulsive

and he has gross thumbs you know the blur of the thumb too show the thumb you animal next up okay i've asked this question to a couple of my friends um and i no one really has a good answer for it so i'm gonna pose it to you guys what is something that you grew up thinking was normal based on like your family that was not that was not normal in the end so like for me growing up the way my parents always made nachos was with doritos instead of regular tortilla chips instead of like melted shredded cheese they would use like belvita cheese sauce um which sounds disgusting it's very white trash it's very are you garbage um but it was good and i didn't know that like that's not

what nachos were until i had them somewhere else i'm gonna guess i was like maybe 10 or 12 years old by the time i figured out like oh like not everybody makes nachos like that um so do you guys have anything that is very similar in the fact that like you did not i think every family's got these specifically with food i bet there's a lot of food i'm trying to think of them i know this wasn't really my family but it was like kind of a generation before me uh all all like the women in our family would pass down recipes and whenever they were cooking well this is how funny it is how like bad we are cooking whenever they were cooking

like i think it was like a pot roast was it they would um they would take like a butcher knife and and just chop off the ends and then cook like the middle of the roast and like every generation kind of did that and they found out like it started with like a great great grandfather grandmother whatever who they had a pot that was too small or like a pan that was too small to cook it in so they would just take the ends off and put what fit in there and and then everybody else thought that there was like you get rid of the ends for some other reason and that like whatever i one day that grandmother was like you idiots you have a fucking pan that fits uh but as far as like something weird i mean i know this is kind of like hard to be like

what's something you know that's weird that you don't think is weird you know what I mean we should do like a wife swap thing one day and just go live with each other's families for like a week and be like yo the Feidelbergs do some wacky shit man that would be very interesting yeah like nothing comes to mind

because I fucking do it it's hard to be like I mean like it's kind of it's hard to be, like... I mean, like, it's kind of like, I think we did this with... You can kind of do it if you've lived with other people before. Like, I had people who saved sauce packets. We talked about that on the podcast. Yeah.

We did not save sauce packets at the house. Right. I don't... I... When you were a kid, did you sleep with your parents? Did you sleep in their bed or in their room or anything? I don't. I. When you were a kid, did you sleep with your parents? Did you sleep in their bed or in their room or anything? Child? Child?

Well, like, I mean, until when? I would guess. Because there was always a younger sibling. You got kicked out. Got it. So I would guess two. Oh, wow. Early, early.

Maybe, maybe. I'm pretty sure my sister slept in my parents' room until she was like 16 really because they they um we i had a new sibling at two so maybe from three to four there were some other incidences yeah but then at four i had another sibling so right i mean yeah that's just wild uh we we um i don't remember like sleeping in my parents beds that stopped like a young age but they would throw like a mattress on the ground like at the foot of their bed we called it the camp but also it was because they had air conditioning we like i don't know there's a period of time where we didn't have air conditioning in the house like even just the other window units so like in the summer and shit we would all like sleep in there it was like fun it was like a it

was like a camping we called it the camp. But I think we stayed in there a little too long. I know my sister did. My sister had her driver's license and she was still sleeping in the camp. It was probably I don't know, 8, 9, 10 in that area. I'm not saying by any means I'm not trying to be

a tough guy. I don't know. I'm sure there were instances when I came back. I didn't really have nightmares either. Shay crawls into bed with me every time. Every night? Pretty much every night. You gotta remember I only have a couple nights a week. I don't know how many times she does it

at home, but I'm also a sucker for it. I'm like, yeah, do whatever you want. We went to Chuck E. Cheese's this weekend in Yonkers. It doesn't mean much to most people, but it's not great. Chuck E. weekend in Yonkers. It doesn't mean much to most people, but you know. It's not great. Chuck E. Cheese in Yonkers. Solo with two kids.

Not great. It wasn't a fight, but man, it was sweaty and hot in there. There's nothing gross in a hot place in the winter. You're worse. You've got no business being hot. Open the door. There was a salad bar.

An open air Chuck E. Cheese in Yonkers salad bar. You want to talk about wet sandwiches and wet pussy? There was this bowl of lettuce that looked like it was lettuce soup. I mean, nobody was touching it, thank God. If I saw someone making it, I think I would stop them and give them money and be like, go somewhere else. There's an Outback right next door. Go there.

I would love to have a good answer for this, though, because I know there's some shit that my family does that's got to be weird traditions that people would just be flabbergasted over. But everybody's got them. This doesn't apply to my family. I've told this story before. But when I was growing up, a house I used to spend a lot of time at, regularly, they obviously, what I'm about to say,

it doesn't... They weren't a bad family. They were my best friends. They were great people. All that stuff. But they regularly referred to Chinese food as a blank in to Chinese food. Right. Oh, right, right, right, right.

You know, yeah. A blank in your armor, uh, food. Right. And I just, I just thought that's what it was.

So one day when I was really young, because we, we, we did, we had Chinese food Fridays. I just thought that was like, no, maybe it was Saturdays,

whatever day it was like, it was the joke was like, dad doesn't know what he's doing. Dad's cooking tonight. We get Chinese food. Yeah. Um, you know, like, dad doesn't know what he's doing. Dad's cooking tonight. We get Chinese food. Yeah. You know how men can't do shit. You know how men can't keep their children alive.

It might have been Sunday nights, actually. Bro, I have fed my kids chicken nuggets and pasta. I would say, let's see. I would say 300 straight meals like a hundred days in a row with like a couple two three couple two three meals dude i it might even be it might be now that i'm doing it might be like it might be like thousands in a row they just don't eat anything else for me it's crazy they'll have hamburgers with them. They'll have roast chicken with them.

They eat certain things with certain people. Because I don't have them every... If it was every day, you have to mix it up. But when it's my day, it's like it's chicken, onions, and pasta day. I think I've never cooked anything else. They're seven and five. I think it's thousands of meals in a row. It's crazy. I made chicken last night. That was like legit hellofresh.com promo code kfc21 yeah um but so so eventually i got

old enough to know how to ask for i wanted chinese food or as i wanted whatever food we got because we also got it from different chinese food restaurants right we had little chopsticks three they had i forget somewhere down on North Main Street. And I just thought they were different foods. Right. But I wanted that food that night. So I was like, hey, mom, can I have blank food for dinner? Her parenting here is one of the best examples of parenting of all time.

And she was like, what did you just say? And I said, can I have? I didn't mean to say anything wrong. So I just repeated it right back. Can I have blank food for dinner? And she was like, do you have... I didn't mean to say anything wrong, so I just repeated it right back. I said, can I have blank food for dinner? And she was like, do you have any idea what that word means? And I said, I have no idea what that word means.

It's just food. It's like, I think I know what it means. It means these... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if it means something other than exactly what I'm asking for, then no, I don't. Then tell me, yeah. And she said, instead of taking that moment to,

you know, have a difficult discussion about race relations. I'm kicking that can down the road. We'll do race relations another day, honey. A teacher will do that. She just went, that means penis. Do you want penis food for dinner, John? Were you saying the word penis often? No.

I mean, obviously, penis is better than a racial slur. But having a little kid run around saying penis isn't great either. But no, she knew I wouldn't want that kind of food. Right, right. I wouldn't ask for that. But so wait, you would stop eating the food because it was the name penis? I don't really remember how it went down. You got to get her side of this one too.

But I remember. Oh, I should have asked her when we had her on the show. I regret not bringing up penis food. Like a full decade later someone said that word and I was like bro what do you mean that's a penis and they were like what do you mean

I'm a racist yeah I'm a racist you're an idiot yeah I was like an adult at that point like what do you mean you fucking child I'm calling that person I'm insulting that person for who they are what do you what do you think it means penis i'm judging them by their ethnicity why are you calling them a penis it's fucking great um so that was a weird thing for my whole life thinking thinking that fucking that used to be a casual thing that got tossed around i i never heard it anywhere but those people. That was the only...

I think a lot of people... I think it's why it made it easy for me to be a decade. But I think it was the same thing. Get the WAP food. It was like you throw around these turns. I'm not just speaking for my family. I hung around plenty of families.

I never heard anyone say that aside from those. I feel like it was a common one for people who just wanted to be you know like it's a little casual racing racing for you on a little evening night um we'll think of it and tweet at us you know you're you're crazy i did see like that is it is a good are you garbage i bet you are you garbage guys have a bunch of these where you're you you're like what do you mean you don't drink out of the fucking bucket or some shit? It's like, yeah, no, no. Normal people do not do that.

I saw a TikTok or Instagram or whatever. I never know what they are because I only see them on Instagram. So by the time it comes to Instagram, it might be a TikTok. I don't know. Instagram's like popular TikToks but later. Yeah, for sure. And it was like it was college kids.

Oh, I can't remember to get a new refill of Omeprazole. I was going to say, you're hurting, aren't you? That was... Oh, for your trip? Well, I know today was my last pill, so that was a new Omeprazole. Go to Amsterdam without your meds, you're fucked. You're going to be the only guy on the street, any Omeprazole? You holding?

You holding? You selling? It was like college kids who just got a new foreign roommate and it was like day number blank of doing weird american traditions to trick our roommate and it was just like that would be fun they go to bed they take all the trays and they put them up like remember that the kitchen table that's very funny yeah we should we should look into getting can we get a foreign intern wouldn't that be fun? Make sure that they know how to do shit so they're useful. Yeah, not one of those useless foreigners.

We had a kid named Christoph from Lichtenstein, who was a high school exchange student. But, like, we only had one. It was on a program. I think it was just a family did it, not even, like, the school. So all of a sudden we just had this guy. He looked like, you ever play Lemmings on on nintendo on super nintendo pull it up real quick lemmings the cartoon character for lemmings on super nintendo this guy looked like to a t minus uh the green

hair he was super tall too he was probably like six feet tall and he looked exactly like that with the hair and the nose and he was like like, I am Kristoff from Liechtenstein. And we just, and I told you the stories where we were at the bar. We were like 15 and just crazy shit. And I think he was very like, what? Like, I don't think he got a very fair representation of America. Because I think what we were doing was like very different. He was like, holy shit, you guys go hard here.

Anyway, get one of those because I think that would be, imagine a little bit of a language barrier with Jackie and a foreign guy or girl and just the zoo that this place would turn into. Get me a foreign intern who's very capable but doesn't know English. That would be a fun summer. Hey, KFC fights all the crew. So I was just watching TikToks literally a second ago, and I came across conjoined twins.

They were in their, like, 40s, and I thought, that's insane. I don't think if it was me and my sister conjoined, we would never make it to 40. We would kill each other. I can't see how you could do that. But then I was thinking, who would I want to be conjoined with? If I had to get conjoined right now and I could pick anyone in the world, who would I pick?

I honestly think I would just kill myself because humans as a whole suck. I don't think I'd be able to do it. But if I had to pick, I don't know. Who would you guys pick? By the way, Nate Bargatze has a new special coming out. We got an advanced screener of it. He has a joke about his brain, and then it eventually goes into Conjoined Twins. That is...

His special is awesome. I saw it live. I'm sure I saw most of the material live. Oh, did you? So you've heard a lot of jokes? Yeah, I'm sure I've seen it. You know what I'm the most material live um oh did you say you've heard a lot of jokes yeah sure i'm talking about with that joke did you mention i don't remember that one just talking about how you like can't also like that was like we went to like a 10 o'clock show it was like one of those like we were drinking all day and it was like oh my god

she's in town let's go to the show yeah so i don't remember everything perfectly yeah um but yeah it was oh wait well he was supposed to reschedule his. Yeah. We were supposed to interview him today. He said his fight got canceled. He's rescheduled until later this week. Open Friday. Oh, all right. Good. So we can run that back.

The best. He's the GOAT. I think he's the. He's the grand. He's the greatest right now. He's like, I mean, I think you can compare like of all time because everything's just so different but like he is so fucking good yeah i think i would put him it's like him versus louis he doesn't get like the recognition not recognition he had plenty of recognition well you know what it is he does it

all all of it with zero like shock value that's zero you have shit on your. Well, you know what it is? He does it all. All of it. With zero shock value. With zero, you have shit on your balls and sex. It's just, you're doing high, high quality. I know Seinfeld always said a joke can be, a clean joke is a better joke. And I don't always necessarily agree with that. But the way Nate does it, it is. Because it's like he really, like, he just finds these things that are applied to every single person and he hones

it so that they're funny to every single it's just incredible. Yeah. I think that's how you get publicity. Right. I mean, anyone who knows anything knows he's unbelievable. But like, he's not trending on Twitter every two weeks. You're not going to get a hundred million view video on fucking Facebook because you had like

this wild and crazy thing. But it's something that like his wife said that every married person ever goes like, holy shit, he's fucking right. He also just looks fucking so sharp now. Yeah. Got the salt and pepper going. What are those shoes? Do you know what those shoes are? No.

I like them a lot. I've never seen that brand before. Anyway, who would you want to be a conjoined twin with and i'll throw in another one who would you who's the least least person you would want to be with the uh well it is like you die young when you're a conjoined twin and i bet that they looked into the reasons for that they're different than you think um oh no there's nothing physiologically it's much more social both live incredibly healthy lives the whole time. Imagine a conjoined twin suicide where one person's like, I'm doing it.

You're like, no, no, no, dude. Dude, I got a date on Thursday. We're going. Like, no. No, man, I can't take it. Would that be murder? 50% murder, 50% suicide? If I could survive, I'd have to drag a dead body around.

I wonder how that works. If you shoot in just the head and you could cut off the bleeding or something. This is going to be so hard to explain. They did it. It was them. I swear to God. Do you think you have the same fingerprints? Probably. I would think so, yeah.

No, because we don't. But are our fingerprints the same? Are your pointers same fingerprints probably i would think so yeah are you are these finger like so you're just because you're when you're but but are our fingerprints the same like are your pointers the same as your bro i don't know amsterdam's a country i don't think they are i mean wait it's not a country you know what i mean amsterdam should be 100 a country huh amsterdam should be a country. Yeah. It's like fucking Hong Kong. You might belong to someone else.

That's a great one. That's a great one. There's a country who owns you might not recognize your sovereignty, but for all intents and purposes for me, an idiot, you're alone. The Netherlands should have rebranded. They should have done a PR. When Amsterdam popped and became its red light district and everybody knew it, they should have put

all their eggs in that basket. And been like, we're not doing Dutch, we're not doing Holland, we're just Amsterdam now. Then everybody knows who you are. Alright, conjoined twins. My first one that pops in my head is like a buddy who we don't hang out that much anymore

but when we do, it's fun. Very fun. It's like, my boy, Sully. But you ruin that. We've been in some tight spots together. But you ruin. This would be the tightest, man. But I'm just saying because I think we've been in enough tight spots.

Like, we're friends. It's really very limited. That you could like. That would be like, it doesn't. We can work things out. How about this? Can you Google our conjoined twins, righty or lefty? Like, is my half over here, I control this hand.

Like, this is dominant for me. Like, if we're going to wipe our ass, is it like... I'm picturing like we're conjoined at the hip. I'm picturing like we're two... Do you think you alternate? Like, if you take a shit, it's like it's your turn to wipe. I'm picturing like we're two. Do you think you alternate like if you take a shit, it's like it's your turn to wipe. I'm not doing it this

time. I think I think I would be. I like being intentionally bad at it. You know, I like guys do that. Yes.

The girl has to do like all the chores. I don't know how to wipe it. Your turn to figure out a clean. Imagine that it's like, yeah, OK, it's my turn

and you just leave it in there. All right. Next time I'll just fucking do it. That'd be fun. Prank. Just shove a bunch of toilet paper up your ass. I'm leaving it. I'm fine. This doesn't bother me at all. What are you talking about?

It's called a mampon. Each twin manages one side of their conjoined body. The sense of touch is restricted to their half. So this begs the next question. I don't know if we've actually had this. If I jerk off our dick with my hand, is that a hand job for you? Yeah.

So then we have to alternate that as well, right? Like, it's your night. I don't know, man. I think if the body is righty-lefty, someone's going to be better at it. No, I don't think so. If I control, if I only have one hand, I'm going to be dominant with this hand. And if you only have one hand, you're going to be dominant with that hand. Yeah, but I think you'll both understand that someone's better at jerking off a dick.

Definitely. And then at that point. But it's not that. You're doing Charlie work tonight, baby. It's not that you're dominant. It's just that you're better at that skill. Yeah. So it's like, I'll do the writing.

You got to do the jerking. Yeah. It's like a fucking married couple with the cooking and the cleaning. But here's the thing. You cook better. You cook. I'll clean. Do. You got to do the jerking. Yeah. It's like a fucking married couple with the cooking and the cleaning. You cook better. You cook. I'll clean. Do you think coming is mental? It kind of is, right?

You can slow yourself down by thinking about, we talk about, it doesn't really work. That's why you need your Roman and stuff like that. No, I'm getting it soft! It's like Obi-Wan and Darth Vader when he was a kid. We got to train you. You're doing it wrong. You're the chosen one. If you're one side's a pervert and you're not, what do you do? It's like, oh, we're watching that again tonight.

That would be... I don't feel well. I have a headache and this guy wants to fucking jerk off to like, you know, some crazy shit. I don't think I've had a hard time jerking off next to someone sleeping. I was sleeping next to someone jerking off. I mean, I definitely have jerked off next to someone sleeping, but it just wasn't... I've also, I've jerked off, I've had people jerk off next to me sleeping.

Have you, when you did it, were you... I was a child. Were you trying... It was my uncle. I was just a babysitter. When you were doing that, were you trying it was my uncle i was just in my babysitter um when you were doing that were you trying to be quiet when i i've never jerked off next to someone in bed oh you said you did i said someone's there next to me but again i was actually a kid you like sleepover one of your buddies yeah i wasn't in bed i was on the floor i was like you

jerk it off up there it's like this, no way. How old are you? Man, whatever. Like, super young. And he was like, yes. It was the same weekend. Yeah, he was like, yeah, should I come? I was like, do you want to come? He's like, sorry.

I don't think we even knew where to come was. He's like, I can just finish. Don't worry, I'll be wrapped up in a minute. Do I have to say, do you want to call you like a pathetic little piece of shit or something? Like,

what do I do to get you there, bud? It was the same weekend I've told the story before about when we were watching WrestleMania on the black box and then they could just

change to porn. Right. And me and my buddy came to the Tommy Boy scene and was like, you can change it if you want. Yeah, you can later on.

Yeah, when we watched porn the rest of the night. What if? And then he got to bedtime and it's like, time to fucking How about more. Yeah, you can later on. Yeah, when we watched porn the rest of the night. What if... And then he got to bedtime, and it's like, time to fucking... How about this? Let me give you a scenario. We are conjoined twins.

You, somehow, someway, we find someone you're dating, and you get dumped by her, and you are just heartbroken, and I am just single and regular and horny, and you're, like and upset and i'm like getting our brain and our blood flowing my brain and our blood flowing so like i've got our dick hard and i'm jerking off while you are like crying and mourning and i like basically end up coming on you is that like am i am i like raping you buddy i actually have the answer if you don't you are there's an answer this well so here is like a like case by case

you give me the answer and then i'm gonna fight over it all right so when it comes to masturbation a wants to masturbate if a masturbates he or she sexually touches b but it seems strongly impermissible to involuntarily touch someone sexually. Consequently, A, should not masturbate. Yeah, I mean, that would be... Oh, sure, there's plenty of things I shouldn't do, but yeah. What am I bound by by the laws of the country? Like, I could see a scenario where it's like, dude, I

am feeling uncomfortable. I gotta get this nut off. And your brother has to just be like, okay. But if I know you're like bummed out, you're crying, you're literally like, yo, Jessica just left me, and I'm like, whatever, dude. And I'm coming on your leg. That's kind of funny. You think I haven't fucking jerked off in that state before?

I've jerked off in all 50 states. Like what? Sad and crying? You haven't masturbated like that? I guess you're the bad example. Rookie fucking play. Yeah. It would probably be the other way around

But no I'm a fucking bro dude If my bro was like I'd be like I'm doing this for you Like fucking come man do your thing I made my freshman year roommate Watch an obscene amount of porn To get over his girlfriend And in hindsight

It was One of the weirdest things I've ever done. He was just so mopey. Freshman year, girlfriend, high school girlfriend. We were going to get married, blah, blah, blah. I was like, no, you fucking Warren dude. And he wouldn't get over it. And so we just bombarded him with like, he fucked.

And all the weird ones, the guys with two dicks and mr hands and uh the ball guy puts his head in the yeah oh yeah yeah we watched that one we watched one where a girl get on porn hub guy put a fucking champagne bottle inside of her and opened it up and it really oh yeah it was crazy and uh i don't know if it worked or not but you know it was like we're doing something to get you over this bitch and And it's going to be some weird porn stuff, man. I don't know if it worked or not, but he did the Las Vegas shooting. It's great. All right.

But, like, so give me an answer, though. So Sully, your buddy? Yeah. Sully gets the crop. And then who would I not want to be? I mean, literally anybody. That's a tough one. Pick a person I don't want to be attached to.

Honestly, I'll give you an answer. No, there's an answer. There's not an answer. Oh, no. There's an answer. You can give your piece. I will give you the answer. Yeah. There's an answer. You can give your piece. I will give you the answer. Mine is like

anyone who's more recognized and beloved than me. Yeah, that would suck. Imagine you're on the red carpet and they're like, can you just lean your head Ryan! Ryan! Imagine somebody would just take a blanket

and just throw it over your head into a green screen. Just put a green blob over you and be like, can you just lean away while your brother takes the pictures? It's not even like that because I have that desire for that level of notoriety.

Somewhere inside me I do. But it would just be a constant reminder of you don't even look close. In my head, I know all those things. I don't need to be there knowing. People just come up and go, oh, what's up?

Oh, sorry. Can we take a picture? And I would. Can we? Yeah. I want to talk to just him. Guess what, Ryan Reynolds? You're about to die.

I was going to say, I'm slicing your throat. I was going to kill myself. I'm not... Oh, I'll kill me, and then I drag you down with me. I'm pretty nonviolent against anybody. Imagine that you're sleeping.

You're passed out. I don't know how this works, but I'm just picturing you're so fucked up. You're passed out. You're like you, sleeping for 36 hours straight, and you wake up, and You passed out. You're like you, sleeping for like, you know, 36 hours straight. And you wake up, and I've dragged you to like a fucking dock.

And I'm tying like a brick around our ankles. See ya. You should have stayed asleep for one more minute, pal. I'm not going to say the person. But, yeah, there's a clear one. There's a clear answer. But I clear answer but i won't say it frank it's frank because frank walked so slow did you see him with the balloon yeah yeah one of my favorite videos ever i went to slow motion as a balloon gently it looked like the balloon stopped

it was like gravity like did even. It was unbelievable. It was like. What's crazy is that in the. Sorry to cut you off. But in the man cave, there's a lot of man meat in there. And all the other guys were nimble and athletic enough. And Frank, I'm surprised Frank even got back up. That is the worst part of him is his slothness.

I do love the wherewithal. Do you think that was love the wherewithal. Do you think that was for the cameras? Yes. No, for like he's just stuck. The fact that he just stayed down there. That's camera. He's a showman. I can also see Frank being like,

I don't know what to do right now. I bet you it's not the easiest for him in that position. Yeah, he's just very... That would be like – it would just be like the yelling, sure, but the slow. I'd be like, dude, let's just – We got to go. Let's go, dude. It was – I walked to the fucking – I went to a Devils game with him, Devils Bruins, like two years ago last year. And we walked from this office to Penn station station to the new jersey transit 27

minute wall it was like it was like 17 minutes it's like three blocks it was crazy and it was and like i'm sure he can walk faster it's just like that's how frank moves frank could be 110 pounds i feel like he would just be like yeah just sauntering on over it was great to the point where like i would be walking crazy slow and I'd be like what happened to Frank I'd turn around and he'd be like 10 paces behind I'm like I don't think I don't think I can go slow

he's slower I'm walking like a fucking give me a drunk test one foot at a time like touching each other and then somehow just lapping the guy. Frank, never change. Yeah, never change.

All right. Voicemails. I mean, Jessica Carson time. Oh, real quick, by the way. I just want to play this clip. Louis CK is on with Bert this week. And he had a quote that in context is really funny. Out of context, even just as funny.

I think it honestly sums up like this whole generation of of the people who say dumb things, the people who are responding to the people who say those dumb things to everybody who, um, to everybody who like diagnosis and all that shit. Right. I don't think that's narcissistic. It's, it's just retarded.

Perfect. Just, it sums up. It was in reaction to Bert. Bert says that he thinks he's going to live to like 100. And he says his reaction when other people die is, oh, that's just another one who's not me, so I'm going to live forever. And he said, I don't think that's narcissistic. I just think it's retarded.

But the amount of times people throw around narcissistic and the amount of people, it's just the perfect phrase for this time. Saying it, being ignorant enough to still say it but laughing about it and and and applying it you're not narcissistic you're just retarded if that was allowed to be a tagline i think that should be like the podcast right there uh okay jessica kerson on the podcast uh and our next episode will be from your amsterdam uh am right? I don't know. Can we do it in Amsterdam? We're off Thursday. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll be in Amsterdam, but we'll have to record tomorrow. I feel like we should try to somehow do a podcast there.

If we could use their equipment or something. Well, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out, yeah. Hi, how you doing? How about that? That's fine. Fucking diva over here. Jesus Christ.

Goldilocks. Not too high, not too low. There's a lot going on in my career. No, there is, though. I just got off the phone with Chrissy D. And I was just talking shop with him. And I mentioned how you were coming in. And he was saying how...

If you need to pull it up. Did we start? Yeah, this is it. We're just rolling. This always happens where i don't know that we started we like to just i know but i love that you guys do that i do too but i actually start thinking that because we we give you a proper introduction yeah yeah recording right like leave the show will yeah yeah but like sometimes people have said like do they even know my name it's's like, we will preface this. Don't worry. I did, like, I did Oops yesterday, Oops the Podcast. And Francis was like, we're here with John Feidelberg of KFC Radio.

And, like, say it's the boy. This and that. And I was like, oh, should we be doing that? So you were talking to Chris, my boy. And he was just, like, he was just saying how happy, like, the whole industry is for you because he said you're like the fastest rising comedian in the game right now. And we were talking about how much we tip our cap that you really embraced social media and the digital world and the internet and all that. Because if I was doing something as long as you were doing something, I'd be set in my ways and I'd be like, fuck new kids and these new which is already yeah we're already i do that you know i'm gonna take that yeah the fact that you are doing all that and and it's and it's working so you're probably like

happy about it but i'm sure you weren't thrilled when you had to learn a new app and do it you know every day and clip this and algorithm that and subtitle it's like shut the you know it's not easy but you know what I mean like listen I'm a business person and I also have a team that helps me like I'm not doing

the clipping and the all that shit so that's either though you're either doing it or you're paying for it I'm paying for it so it's like

you have to embrace it one way or the other I'm sucking a lot of dick which I didn't do for a long time wouldn't that almost be easier for you? It's like, I'll just suck this guy's dick

and be done with it, you know? I'd rather suck dick and pay for it, actually. I'm going to start putting that out there. I don't know why I didn't think of that. Why am I paying for it? Would you be good at that?

I'm very good at sucking dick. We've talked about it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. That's right. I mean, I say this all the time, so I commit to it. Right.

I really take it. I always say if you feel like you're not good in bed I think it's pretty simple what you need to do to a dick just devour it I'm filled with self-hatred that's why I'm funny

you fit in perfectly here that's why Chris is funny you guys are so open I love how open you guys are about how much you hate. It's why I love the two of you so much. I really can't relate to anyone who likes themselves at all.

At all. And people get so sad when I'm on stage and I'm like I fucking hate myself. I've been in so much therapy. I'm medicated. Nothing. I'll never be okay. I don't care how sad you say it How about you tell me it's okay to not be okay Shut the fuck up

I hate that line If you tell me it's okay to not be okay I want to fucking punch you in the face I'm a daughter of a therapist I've been to every therapy I've hit a pillow with a bat I've done everything You ever throw a chair out a window? I've done everything I've hit a pillow with a bat I've done everything you ever throw a chair

out a window I've done everything I've killed a baby me and my mom were talking about it this weekend you threw it out oh wait

did I know that when did you do that like middle school yeah when you were young because you were going through like a rage phase or something like that right

yeah that sounds fun though I like that I've done everything have you done one of those break rooms you can go and you pay

you smash bottles yes of course I did that it was fun I didn't feel better Yes, of course I've done it. I did that. It was fun. I didn't feel better afterwards. I've written letters. I've burnt them in a bonfire. All that gay shit.

I've done therapy with a horse. I do a whole bit about it on stage. The horse had a huge hard-on. I couldn't stop staring at the fucking horse's cock the whole time. Wait, no way. I swear to God. I went to a trauma center. Be a professional horse.

Come on. I went to a trauma center two and a half years ago in Florida. And I did therapy with a horse. I was supposed to stare at this horse. And talk to it? I was supposed to mirror myself. I ended up having sex with it. Wait, so then I blew the horse.

I've heard of horse therapy before. I did it. Equine therapy. Equine therapy, yeah. But in my head, I always pictured it like equine therapy yeah um but i always in my head i always pictured it like equine equestrian like you rode the horse that made you feel good you're like talking i couldn't even end up riding the horse because i was so traumatized by its hard on it was his leg was bleeding and then a fly went in my ear i'm like this jewish girl from jersey

get me on the concrete seriously get me away from this fucking horse put me back on the subway with the homeless away from this fucking horse out of here put me back on the subway with the homeless guy who's taking a shit please that's where I'm comfortable I'm like where's the doctor

I'm a fly the whole time I hear zzzzzz in my ear the cock is out it's bleeding I'm like get me the fuck away

from this horse to be fair that does not sound like the best outdoorsy experience a bleeding horse with a hard dick while you're getting attacked by bugs.

I would say that's the downside of nature. Yeah, it was crazy. I did that once with my sister for her birthday when we were little kids. We took her horseback riding. She wanted to do that. And I was riding a horse, and my horse just fucking fucked off and went right back to his stall. I'm only slightly older than my sister, so i couldn't get off a horse so i'm just sitting in this horse's stall with friends flying all around me it was like looking at the wall it

was just like horse shit everywhere so there are bugs fucking everywhere and i was just screaming i was probably like i think my i think it was my sister's second birthday so i would have been four that is and i was just sitting there screaming and i don't know why no one chased me no i know i feel like you're trying like i'm so traumatized i'll never i'm telling you that's why i'll never be okay yeah yeah and that's and it's okay but it's okay to not be okay they'll tell you that's what i it's not okay no it's not it's not okay it's like imagine like if like someone like had cancer Because they're always comparing mental shit to physical stuff. And it's like, it's okay to have cancer. Thanks for your permission, you fucking weirdo.

But just so you know, it sucks. But don't you think that accepting... The whole world right now confuses me. Because it's like like when you do uh when you're non-binary right yeah like all i hear is that like gender doesn't matter but then we're so quick to proclaim what our gender is and what our pronouns are so it's like does it matter and you want to be called a certain thing or does it not matter and we're all like i don't know i'm confused by everything i don't even know what's going on but then i also think about the same

thing with like what we're talking about where it's like if i just accept that i'm not like thrilled with myself then that's my version of like happiness and i'm okay with that you know what i mean so it's like nirvana it's like i'm never gonna wake up and be like i look good i feel good i'm nice people like me i'm great but if i'm okay with that then i have to tell you i talk about this on stage a lot. It is very freeing to accept that you're never going to be okay. I actually have never felt better. Yeah, right.

It's just like... I can barely function. I can barely get out of bed. Yeah. And it's great. And that's my routine. Yeah, this is... The more you fight it, the worse I feel.

The more I fight it and try to be okay. Because it's just not in the cards. I'm going to function because I have kids. So I have to be okay. You got to be beat on that. Right. So I have to. Well, that's why you're going to end up dead.

I can't. We can't. You can, you lucky bastard. Right. I have to function because I have to be there for my kids. So, I mean, it's like, and I keep trying to just every day wake up and be like, I have to be okay. I just think I'm always going to be – have a hard time, but I'll get through it. Maybe I should have kids.

I'm traumatized. Because I need something to straighten me out. I think today you should work on that. Let me just drop a load today leave it in you want me to paint a picture for my day this morning tell us how it started I can do whatever the fuck I want

it's Peter Pan you almost don't want to hear it because it's so so much freedom I need to hear what happened so first of all I woke up there's a mattress on the floor. It's my old mattress. Wait, that's what you sleep on?

No, no, no. I have a mattress on the bed. There's also just a mattress in the corner of the room. But also, he never makes it to bed. He just sleeps on the couch. So I got a new mattress and I just kind of left it in the corner of the room, which I just and I was like, I'll bring it down there one day. And that was two weeks ago. So I just have a full mattress and I woke up this morning and my electricity was shut off because I was delinquent on the payment.

Oh, my God. That's incredible. I called my landlord. Not my landlord. I called my super. He came over. He was first. He's like, flick the breaker box.

Turn them on and off. I was like, that didn't work. He's like, all right, I'll be over. He went downstairs. He checked the breaker boxes. He's like, they're all set. Have you paid your electric breaker boxes He's like This is amazing He's like they're all set Have you paid your electric bill I was like poof

That's a good question That's probably it And I called A connoisseur And they were like Yeah you're three months behind I'm like alright I'll do it

I'll do it 34 years old 34 years old I just I love you so much He's a man baby Now but what's scary Is like

But if I had a baby I would be paying. I'd have got to pay the electricity. Yeah, that kind of stuff for sure. But like, I have two kids and my license is suspended. Found that out yesterday. Since November.

So, like, I'm not much farther behind you, but I have the kids. So who's really even, you know, you're allowed to do this. I'm not allowed to do this. And I've already gone to jail for a suspended license. Let me tell you this. One day, I was driving my, like, two-year-old to school. Yeah.

And, um... That makes it seem like you weren't driving her to school. You mean a fake school. Like, it's not really school. Right, right. It seems like, oh, yeah, like, I was taking her to the bar. School, yeah. No, no, it's just crazy that two-year- like Oh yeah like I was Taking her to the bar School yeah No no It's just crazy

That two year old Went to school To a crack house She was going to school I just I can't stand it To see my whore So the cop

I I was late To picking her up So I made an illegal turn That saves you like Five solid minutes Because you missed two lights And this cop saw me he was ahead of me oh and i saw him turn and come down this way and then he looped around again and i knew he was coming for me so i parked and i ran into the

apartment building and i was like he's gonna be like i missed him he's gone i come back out he's waiting oh and i was like fuck and i thought i was just going to get hit with the illegal turn and he's like your license has been suspended 10 times and I was like that's a mistake what he meant though was like I had a ticket I didn't pay

and there was 10 you have one month, two months, three months and every time it was like a suspension but basically he was saying super suspended and I was like oh fuck okay and my nanny was there and I was like okay she'll drive and he's like no no no I gotta take

your car and you're coming with me and he was fucking my daughter luckily was young enough that it didn't matter but also I was like Amy he put me in cuffs and put me in the back of the car and then said,

I'm going to do you a solid. I'm going to have somebody from the police department come and drive your car. That way, the tow truck doesn't have to come and I'll save you

like 120 bucks. But what it meant was me sitting in the back of the car for like 10 minutes while everyone in this apartment building comes in and sees me.

Oh my God. And I was like, I'll just pay the tow truck. I'm literally like this. I have a busted shoulder. I'm sitting, I'm like, just go to the, just take me away, copper.

And so I've let that happen again. I'm suspended again. So am I really in much better shape than you? No, John. Yeah, I'm a huge procrastinator and I do things do that's depression right yes and i push things to see how far i can get it's fucked up i will i i'm really specifically the tickets with me like i just i will what happens is i go i'm like oh i'm gonna

pay this online and it says like your ticket is not yet in the system and then i'm like well then fuck it and i just don't do anything about it you weren't ready when i was ready so it's not happening that's exactly i'm like and then i think like i. And I just don't do anything about it. You weren't ready when I was ready, so it's not happening ever. That's exactly it. And then I think I'm somehow winning. Like, I'll show you guys, and then I'm just suspended. Yeah, it's weird. But there's things with bills, taxes, tickets.

I'm just like, it's not going to affect me right now. I'm the exact same way, just so you know. And I think we're both horribly depressed people, right? Yeah, yeah. And I'll have a things to do list, but I'm not kidding. Things will stay on there for a year. And I could just make one call. And be done.

One phone call. Yeah, it's so simple to do some of these things, and I'm just like, eh. But it's also, it's very self-sabotaging. It's like I'm hurting myself. You know, there's some people who hurt other people. I hurt myself constantly. Which is the better of the two. Yeah, it is.

I would say. If I'm going to harm anybody, let it be me. Yeah. Yeah. But you know people who just hurt other people. Yeah. They're great to themselves. Yeah.

And those are assholes. Yeah. They're horrific people. I don't think we would be categorized as assholes. That's who we end up being around and friends with. While they knock us down. Of course. And we take it because we're depressed

that's the other thing i don't know about for you for me and for him like irish catholic like yeah it's just like shut up just shut up and stop complaining and do your life you know i know and then and then even like you know like i can't my parents are kind of like you know every generation i think gets a little more liberal with this shit yeah and i can't even imagine what like my grandparents were really like and what their grandma's like i mean it must have been like you're talking about your feelings shut up have a bowl of stew and shut your mouth. Yeah. Have a potato and shut the fuck up. Eat a raw potato and shut up, bitch. Yeah.

They were literally eating potatoes like an apple, you know? And I'm like, I can't finish my to-do list. You know what

the to-do list for us was? Survive! Don't die! That was the list. That was it. I know. I also hate that shit

of like, you know, in my day, it was blah, blah, blah. I'm turning into that, but I don't like it. I know. I also hate that shit of like, you know, in my day it was blah, blah, blah. I'm turning into that. I know. Me too. I don't like it. I don't like it about myself, but I know. What's your least favorite thing about the youth? That's a good question and a hard one because it's so open.

Well, they complain about very, yeah, really benign, stupid shit. Yeah. You know know um well that's where the comedy comes in yeah of course it's well that i mean but then there's also other things you know like but not even about the jokes yeah i mean i i you know as as someone who is with women i i get a lot of this like uh you know i mean i'm i've been with men and women, as you guys know, or I was just talking about sucking dick. But, you know, it's like you need to say this as a, you know, someone in the community and you need to like, don't tell me what I fucking need to say. I paved the way for you. I was, you know, was with a woman in the time when you couldn't even hold hands with someone walking down the street. This is for real.

Marriage wasn't legal. No one was gay. Literally. Now I'm like, let's out. When I was in college. Exactly. You're weird to not even. I'm a loser straight guy.

Yeah, exactly. They're like, you can't say this or you need to call yourself queer. It's like, I don't like that word. Don't tell me what I need to call myself. They're very pushy, some of them. I would also think Very pushy.

That word sounds it's too close to queef for me. I don't like it. And I don't like queef. So I wouldn't be running around I don't like queef either. You can say a lot of words

around me. Queef. Oh, I like queef. Queef and twat really. I don't like queef. Yeah. I love cunt. I love that word. Yeah, I can see that for you. Amazing word. Yeah, that fits you well. That's a good one. That's the name of my new special. No, I like queef. Queef and twat really. I don't like queef. Yeah. I love cunt. I love that word.

Yeah, I can see that for you. Yeah, that fits you well. That's a good one. That's the name of my new special. I'm coming out of Nickelodeon. You should call your special cunt, but it's just four asterisks, and it's like you decide what it is. Oh, that's such a great idea.

It is cunt. I'll tell you the answer is cunt, but it could be fuck, it could be shit. I love that. Whatever four-letter word you want it to be, but the answer correctly is cunt. That's such a good idea. That's brilliant, actually. And then it's like, what's the name of your new special? You can say, I don't know.

Have you heard her new special, fuck? That's hysterical. No, but I heard cunt. It's the same one. But it's really true. I don't like the younger generation. You know, it's kind of like the girl that kissed a girl once and calls herself a lesbian. And then, which is fine.

I don't care what you call yourself or who you identify. But don't tell me what I need to say about myself or whatever. You know, I'm literally someone who paved the way for you. Who's old school. Yeah, I like that. You said when you were in college, like, no one was gay. Were you gay in college?

I wasn't. I was with men, with guys, and then my senior year, in my sorority, it's such a great story, I met a freshman girl and had this wild relationship.

It was secret. It was secret for years because really no one in my surrounding, no one was gay. You just weren't out at that time. I know this was a long time ago.

It wasn't even a consideration. No one was, you just weren't openly out. As a guy in a frat, I heard the sorority went, fucking knew it. I met a girl in a sorority. The whole time they've been doing the pillow fights. Oh, the pillow fights.

And that's when we first kissed. We were wrestling. No way. It was hot. No way. Yeah, on Christmas break. It was hot. We smoked pot and drank wine.

Wait, so it's real? Yes. We were attracted to each other for months. There's feathers flying in the air. Yes, that's literally what happened in my mother's house. I went home for Christmas break. Yeah, it was so fucking hot. I feel like that's when you...

Was it like... And she was hot. It gets a little serious first as the fight does. I'm like, wait, what are all these emotions? I'm trying to get a three count i mean i knew i kind of knew it was gonna happen but even at that point i wasn't like i'm a i'm bi or i'm a lesbian i just thought it was her you know and i was very confused by the whole thing because i was like what's this do you just dive in and go oral right away no no lesbians i mean i don't want to

again speak for the community i don't i don't they don't but but they don't go to, again... Speak for the community. I don't. They don't go down? Now they probably just go right to ass licking. Don't even touch my pussy. But years ago, no. It wasn't like that. Finger stuff and rubbing? No, we kissed. And then eventually it went right into it.

But I think now it's different. I think now they go right... I don't know. I think you kiss their asshole first. And then you kiss their mouth. And then you have a strategy to get strapped on. First you fist their asshole, and then you make out. That's what they do now. First base.

First you put Vaseline all over your fist and pound their asshole. And then they kiss each other's cheeks oh man that's funny is there uh there's like you know there's tops and bottoms in the in the gay community and then within uh with lesbians there's like strap-ons and yes so there's don't wear yes yes I mean I want to speak for myself and for most of my friends. There's usually – it's pretty versatile. But there is mostly, I think, like a kind of a top and a bottom. In my relationships, I'm much more of a top.

I could have guessed. Yeah. Thank you. I like that. We always say on the top in this relationship. I can see that. Yeah! I let him say that.

That's the real top movies, to let you say that. I love that. Isn't it cute? Isn't it cute? That's true. You guys are so, I love the two of you. We usually close out our live shows with the crowd cheering, is John the top or is Kevin the top?

And that's how we decide. So great. You guys are adorable. with the crowd cheering, is John the top or is Kevin the top? And that's how we decide. So great. You guys are adorable. No, I'm definitely the top and it would be weird. But I also can definitely have someone else be the aggressor, but I'm only attracted to femme women.

I love a girl, like really femme-y women. And I've never... They're just hotter. Yeah, to me, they're much hotter. See, I go... I'm versatile with that. Yeah, I get it. I like a femme girl. I like a chick who looks like she can kick the shit out of me.

Well, I like a very aggressive femme woman. But I... But they have to own it if they're gonna take me. And I can be taken. Trust me. But they have to own it if they're gonna like take me and I can be taken trust me but they have to own it they can't be like

do you mind if I touch you they have to be like take it bitch you know Liam Neeson's gonna come get you if I take you yeah all of a sudden

I'm getting sold in the Middle East taking him yeah but I'm not attracted hey little lady I'm gonna sometimes butch women

really try to like butch it up with me, and I'm like, honey, you're barking. This is not working. Hey, little lady. That's some wild west shit. They think because I have long hair and I sometimes wear some makeup that I'm like this femmy. I'm not.

That's not who I am. I like a strap on. Yeah, I love that. It's so hot to me. I get a strap on. I, yeah. I love that. So hot to me. I get very turned on by it. Because I remember one of our favorite comics is Sam Jay. And she has a bit talking about. She's much butchier than I am.

She has a bit or on her show or something talked about. Like she opens up a closet full of like artillery for her to pick from. This size, that size, this color, that color. So when you're doing that do you i'm not that hardcore yeah she sounds like a fucking fast and furious scene like the wall opens up as a wall of guns that's what she made it sound like like what do you pick the biggest one do you pick a smaller one like i mean i think that's more of like the person you're with what they're they get to choose yeah yeah totally like that's not of like the person you're with. They get to choose. Yeah, yeah, totally.

That's not my choice. I'm going to give you the fucking baseball bat today. And they're like, this tiny. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to pound it into you. I like toys, though. I'm wild. I like to play around with different kind of things. That's always been the best part about being a chick.

I think the male world is just getting to the tip of the iceberg when it comes to that. I mean, do you like that stuff? I can see you guys into that shit. I'm like, why don't we have all these fucking toys? I want everything. But there still is a stigma. It's like if people found out that you have like a vibrating fucking ring thing, you'd be like, oh, that's so weird.

But chicks are allowed to have a goddamn robot. I know know i feel like so many men would be into that stuff i i i have done it once i'm not talking like like toys like in bed with a girl yeah whatever the fuck you want yeah um but like we're if we're talking about like self stuff yeah like yeah what i've used like masturbate yeah i don't know that's understand. That's a little much for me. I understand. I told before I had a flashlight once, and I was like, I'm not fucking cleaning this.

I'm throwing this away. I'm not like, this is a one-time use. Yeah, I agree with that, but I do think doing it together is where it gets... I could do that. Yeah.

Together, I could, but... Yeah, yeah, together. I'll do literally anything in bed with a chick. At least once. I would be once so if you want to do a toy or this or that I'm all good there is something a little weirder

about like I'm alone and I gotta like set this up me too I'm not I don't think I could do a lot alone

yeah I don't I'm not into that but even as a chick like you just have a vibrator no that I could do I'm talking about like a lot of other stuff like weird setting things up and the whole no i'm not just

yeah we uh i did so i went to for uh we had a uh excuse me a um on new year's eve my friends had a um yankee swap which is odd it's not kind of a Christmas thing. Yeah. But we had forgotten about it and we're on our way to the party and we stopped being a couple friends, stopping,

like, we'll just get stuff at a sex shop. Like, I don't know. It was like under $10. Yeah. It wasn't like a big thing. But I saw like this,

this fucking thing. Imagine fucking, this is for a guy, obviously, the big tagline is over 12 pounds of tits and pussy. Yo, if you're getting your tits and pussy by the poundage, like it's meat at the butcher. And, bro, look how spread open it is.

Oh, my God. Why is it so aggressively ripped open? Oh, my God. Dude, they gave a cross- section. They cut it in half. So you can see the canals. It's called the Fuck Me Silly Fanta Flesh To Go.

Incredible colors, detailed textures, and the ultimate DP experience. Pussy Nats, and I guess the set of tits. I took a picture of that. I forgot to take a picture of the whole box. Yo, I'm telling you, man, I could fuck this thing. If I were a guy, I could too. I think what's stopping me

is a little bit of the shame and the stigma. But I think, let's see this. Wait, okay, wait, wait. You couldn't? I'm pretty sure. If I were a guy, I could. So this is cut off, but it says, with over 12 pounds of soft Fanta flesh

engulfing and massaging your cock, this plush piece of pussy Feels better than the real thing Squeeze and pinch her big 36DD tits Then slide your cock Between those massive mammaries And titty fuck her all night Spread her cheeks

Ram her tight little ass And then fill her with every inch of your man meat She's warm, she's tight, she's ready to fuck Now here's where we get to the next part. When you're done, blow a load deep inside her or come all over her stomach and big tits. Clean up is a snap either way with antibacterial cleaner and warm water. Best of all, she tucks under your bed or in the closet for easy storage after the fun. Knock her up.

She's an all access anytime, any place. Knock her up is amazing. Knock her up. I's an all-access anytime, anyplace. Knock her up is amazing. Knock her up. I'm going to get this 12-pounder pregnant, baby. If I had to... Whoever wrote that is like a great fucking copywriter or whatever. That's incredible. If I had to fucking...

Can you imagine if her voice was like, Ah, Jewish! She made like an old Jewish voice. Put a load inside of me, shunny! But what if you had to, that's my issue with it, is storage thing. If I had to fucking,

you know, you feel, I'm not one of those guys, people say sometimes they slam the laptop shut after they come and they have to close the porn screen so fast

because they're like, I'm not like that. I'll fucking finish the scene. I respect an actor too much to turn it off. But the, Respect the craft that went into it.

It's like leaving the fucking movies before the credits start i'll see it out but the uh if i had to wipe cum off a rubber essentially a dead body and then hide a bowling ball in my room yeah i feel like all right you put it in like a sack or something like a i don't have an issue with that i I don't know why. I'm okay because I just feel like it's... Well, I think because if someone found yours, it would be okay. You're right. As a man, I get it. If I was doing like a Barstool video and I forgot and there was a 12-pound ass behind me,

my career might be over. I might go to jail. A white man with a rubber ass? I might be like a blown-out asshole. I'd be like, I'm going to jail now A white man with a rubber ass. I might be like a blown out asshole. I'd be like, I'm going to jail now. I'm dripping out. I would cancel myself. Like I'd disappear.

Your kid just playing with it. Oh my God, that would be unbelievable. It's one of those things that like intellectually, I'm fine with it. In practice, I'm like, I can't have a doll filled with cum in my bedroom. It should be. Not even a doll. Just a fucking torso. Yeah, right.

Even worse. A hole. A hole. Blown out hole. Someone took a fucking hacksaw to. Yeah, wait. So that means it has like a whole back because it has tits on the front, ass on the back. So it's got to be...

It's perfect. You guys don't have the head there. 12 pounds is actually not that much if you're doing ass and tits. I feel like that's got to be pretty small. And then that feels like a whole different thing. That's weird, honestly, to have just like this thing. If you're talking about a butt and tits, I think if it's 12 pounds, that probably is like a 12-year-old. Think about it.

Think about what your ass and tits as a grown woman probably weigh. It's more than 12 pounds, right? I'm going to start seeing this. See, there's too much thinking. I know. There's too much. Too much. Yeah, I know.

And watch something. Yeah, and especially with guys, you get the poison out and you're like, okay, I'm done. Yeah. So we don't need to do this whole fucking dog and pony show. Yeah, I know. It's a lot. That's a lot. But I do think if we normalized it, guys would be like, yeah, I've got a rubber.

This is the craziest toy you think you've used with someone. Oh, so we have two different things. So those are two different toys. Okay. So that one's just an ass and one is like the fuck me silly to go is just the fuck me silly to go is the funniest name I've ever heard. Number one and a fuck me silly to go, please. I'll have a small fry. Fuck me silly. That might please. I'll have a small fry. Fuck me silly to go.

That might be your next special name. Fuck me silly to go. I've had a couple fuck me silly to go's in the day. What do you mean? Like in high school, we'd go grab some McDonald's and fuck in the parking lot. That's living. That is living, baby. Why'd you go so fast?

I got the McFlurry melting in the front seat. I want to get to the fries while those are warm come on that's fucking hilarious fucking silly to go the craziest toy I have used I'll go first

mine is a executioner's mask oh yeah that's funny that like I didn't that's fucking funny I didn't use it a girl i was with

used it and um i find that kind of hot it was we were both and actually honestly does she blow you with it yeah it was like it was like one of the better blowjobs i've had but because we she couldn't stop laughing and neither could i so like it was a literal blowjob i've never got like a literal blowjob like like my dick getting blown on and it was like I was like this feels incredible if only girls would laugh while I suck my dick all the time oh really

it felt good it legitimately felt good I was like my dick was actually getting blown on I was like this is actually kind of

awesome I can see the you know I think it was meant to be a blowjob and people kind of fucked up the name of it and I was like

no no no you're supposed to blow on it get it wet and blow on it nice cooling sensation. Do it right now. Pull off the rails, man.

Well, that was hot. I literally have never felt so... We are sucking on fingers here, folks. I have never felt so gay in my entire life from what you just did. I literally have never wanted a pussy so much from what you just did i literally have never wanted a pussy so much from what you just i don't know that's a compliment or an insult i thought you were gonna say you got straight no like i want to go back with a guy after that no she watched you suck your fingers and she was

like give me some pussy no when i first saw you guys i'm like maybe i want to suck dick and then you did that and i'm like nope wow we're going back i'm joking i love you what do you think is the great i am trying to think of myself what i oh i think i know i don't know you don't want to say it no no I would say it I'm thinking but I use one that was cool you can program it yeah and control it from your phone oh

oh I've heard of those I've heard of those too and then you can also that was in the Gerard Butler The Ugly Truth the classic really because what you can do is

so that's hot I don't I think it's better in your mind than in practice but I could take it and use my phone and i like with my thumb like swipe up swipe down and it makes the vibrating go up and down and then it saves it and it's like a program and then you could take it and go and

put on like number one and it's the one that i designed and she leaves yeah she can you know like like if if we were going to be separate if it's a long distance thing oh my god or if it's just like i have a routine that i do i go fast i go slow i do this and you like that then i could save it and give that to you and you're wait a second and then she can like be in bed alone and press like you know from somewhere you press the first button i can do it through my phone or it's just like saved in the fucking vibrator wow

if that's not as crazy as it is like impressive this is a great piece of technology that's so impressive but it's one of those things like I like we

saved it and it was like I don't think she ever did it but I think it was like cool in the moment can you imagine if you like did it in a spiteful way like she's

at a funeral and you're like fuck you like press number one but then she'd have to have the that made no sense you'd have to go to a vibrate uh funeral with the vibrator i've ever said no you can sneak it in her the morning before the funeral you implanted it i mean listen you want to we get a little wild that irish wakes and funerals pop one in babe but that's hot.

Yeah. Coming up funeral. This isn't crazy or anything like that, but I'm 0 for 3 with Benoit balls. Getting them lost in there? Oh, like lost every time. I've done that. I've had that happen. If it doesn't have a string or a –

Wow. That's scary. Yeah. There's a moment of panic where it's like we're going to the hospital, aren't we? I'm like a guy on the side of the highway under the hood where I'm like, you stand up. Yeah, but you can get gravity. Jump a little bit. It is.

I'll tell you what. The whole time I'm getting yelled at. It's my fault. This is our idea. Get him out, John. Get him out. I had a moment where I was trying to get them out and being gentle and then

it was kind of like oh these are stuck that's funny and then I was like wait a minute these are stuck and like I can't get them out and then I was like we have a problem and it went from like let me try to get these out to being like hold on cause I'm going in and I'll get them out and I don't know how it's gonna feel

but these motherfuckers are coming out. Because we're not going to the emergency room tonight. Here we go! And I got them out. You have the fireplace. All the stuff from the fireplace. Get the poker. Get the hook.

I got tongs out. I'm going through the drawers of the kitchen. Teaching how to do jumping jacks like the Iraqi army. Get a Phillips head. The flathead's not doing it. Unbelievable. You're the best. There's very few people we can just go with like this. Oh, I love this conversation.

This is amazing. I'm going to go home and rub one out. This is an amazing conversation. Think of me sucking fingies? Fingies. Fingies is awesome. He's deplorable. amazing conversation he's sucking fingies fingies is awesome he's deplorable I love that you said fingies he's a little fucking Peter Pan boy

you're like a little boy fingies do you say that in bed you want me to suck your fingies I'll tell you what here it's funny the child like bed, it's real predatory. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It sounds like someone who wasn't in bed when you went to bed is whispering that in your ear. Instead of saying, you want daddy, you're like, you want little boy? You want little boy? Excuse me, baby, do you want some fingies? I can't believe, by the way, much the the step porn is still going oh yeah we've been making the joke for years

about how it like took over Pornhub and I thought by now it would have like been a fad and it is still just every fucking title it's crazy

oh people love that shit I guess once the algorithm it's like it's like what we do it's like whatever the algorithm says we do it

so if step porn works step mom step brother title their porn something else. I'll tell you what. I'm getting a little bored. What starts to bother me is when I know people. And it's like, you're not.

And I'm like, that's your husband. I know that. Don't lie to me. Like the amateur accounts with the blue check marks. It's like, no, that is not. Right, college girl who, like, no, you're fucking not. Yeah, I know you are. Well, you're a mom yeah right that's bullshit that's like remember when when asa made herself a milf in the movie and before she had kids yeah she like she like listed

herself she's the producer of the porn made herself a milf she was like 25 it must be so weird if you know people and then see them in porn very strange strange. It must be so weird. You don't know anybody? I do. I know some people now. Yeah, we got to know people through this. But not like really well. You know what I'm saying? I have like no good friends.

Right, right. You have like good friends. No, not good friends. But people that we've had on the show like several times. That's weird. We talked about like we don't watch them anymore because. Uh-oh. Not never. Not as much as what you're saying. Yeah, yeah used to yeah i can at least speak for myself yes and like i said to her like what would you do if we sign up for your

only fans and she was like oh no no no you do not dare sign up for my only fans like we're friends i don't i don't want you seeing that i mean i was like okay let me unsubscribe i will cancel right now because i just watched you for three hours this morning but it is if there is something different like once you know somebody of course you know but i don't know i'll also watch anybody anywhere fuck like at least once like any sex tape or any anything i'll watch you guy girl young old famous not famous, not famous, whatever. Of course. There is the same thing where like – and it's not comparable to porn at all. But I've noticed it a lot in comedy where like when we get to know people very well such as yourself, such as anybody, where like it is – and again, I'm not – when I'm watching a porn, I'm not rooting for them. I'm not like this, but I'm watching your stand up, like I'm like, hell yeah. But I get so jacked up and like,

I'm stressing myself out. Cause I want you guys to like, cause I'm a friend and a fan and I'm like trying to do it. And like, it ends up getting weird. I think just watching your friends do anything. Yeah. I know.

I understand that. Like when you guys put out specials or whatever, I'm like, Oh, I hope it goes well. I hope they get views. I hope. Well,

I'm the same way with you guys. Literally. When I see you put clips out and then I see comments, I get enraged. I do. I get enraged. That's not a fun thing. It's hard. It's hard when you care about people and you become friends with them.

And when you know more than the average person. Of course. And it's like, I want to jump in and give a fucking, you know, dissertation on why you're wrong. Well, then you can't do that wrong. You can't do that. I can't do it. And it happens with me, with Chris, and all my friends. And you see what people say.

You see what people do. And you're like, no, that's not who this person is. That's not what's going on. You're such a fucking idiot. It's so stupid. I've driven friends off the internet with that. Literally, I have a friend who's like, I don't go on the internet anymore because of what people said about you. Yeah.

Yeah. I know. And that was like 10 years ago. He lives in the woods in Vermont now. He lost his mind. I'm dead serious. He's fucking a ass. He's going to fuck me to go deliver it to his cabin in the woods.

It's very hard. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and it almost, it makes it worse to be honest, if you do try to's very hard. And it makes it worse, to be honest, if you do try to defend people. Of course.

So just let the bullies bully. I don't know if I've said this to you guys, but I had to have my sister say to me once, do you realize how stupid you look that you're responding to these people? I'm like, oh, God. You're right. I look so dumb.

She's like, it makes you look less than. That's like one of those things where like- I know. She's like, you're so. I look so dumb. She's like, it makes you look less than. That's like one of those things where like- I know. She's like, you're so big on the internet now and you're responding to this dumb fucking- But I also, I reserve the right to like, if you come at me or, particularly if you say something stupid and wrong,

if your opinion is like, I don't like you, then that's that. But if you say something that is like factually incorrect- I agree. I'm like, I don't care if you have one follower, zero followers. Me too. I want to dunk on you, I'm going to do, I don't care if you have one follower, zero followers. I want to dunk on you. I'm going to do it.

If you open it up, I'm going to say anything I want, and I will fucking annihilate you. I have gone to people's pages and found the worst pictures of them and blown it up. And posted it as a response. And people have died laughing. I will find the most horrific, and I'll blow it up to the biggest. And that's my response. I like that move. Yeah, it's crazy.

I had one one time where, like, someone commented, like, you're lying. I posted a story. Someone was like, you're lying. Oh, no, you're a liar. And I clicked on his page, and he was so ugly. But his wife was even right if you open it up you're gonna i'm gonna go for you i don't i didn't do it but i wanted to reply because he said you're a liar i just want to reply your wife's hot that would have been good i think you should go back

and still do this that would be amazing that's the only one i still your wife is so fucking sexy right your your wife is hot 10 oh man that would be great you motherfucker if that was you i still think about you i think i told you i posted a video of myself singing um and i am telling you, like in the car, just singing. Yeah, I can sing. I've never even trained, but I can sing. Anyway, so I sang that. And it's this fun, loving thing where I'm like belting.

It has like 11 million views on my Facebook. It's huge on my Facebook. Someone wrote, I know you guys are going to laugh so hard. Years ago, someone wrote, I hope she are gonna laugh so hard years ago someone wrote i hope she hits a tree and dies on impact just from me singing no jokes i like the on impact part i hope she hits a tree and dies on impact i hate her i fucking hate her. I appreciate her. I fucking hate her. Those ones I'm like, you're good. And I'm just singing. Just happily singing in a car. Just being like a happy person existing.

And I'm not kidding. To this day, I think I counted like weeks ago, it was like 61,000 people liked her. I'll say this. It's amazing. Every time I look, I laugh harder and harder at how many people have liked that car. The impact is actually nice. They don't want you to suffer. You're right.

They don't want me to be paralyzed or something. I don't want her maimed or impaled. I just want it to be done. Her system shattered right away. I don't want her to feel any pain. I just don't want her on the planet anymore. Every time I look and it's more and more people have liked it i laughed so hard i can appreciate that where there's a little bit of comedic effort right it's so funny you know

what i would say i actually appreciate it more when there isn't like i was off the cuff like i was at the bruins uh game last night and uh i'm actually trying to remember what he actually played as bruins Islanders game. And we were pretty close to the ice, so fans could hear you. I'm sorry, players could hear you. And Taylor Hall plays for the Boston Bruins. And someone just went, it wasn't

that's a girl's name. It just said like, it was like, hey, what would you call it? An asexual name? And it's just like, hey, Taylor! And he kind of like goes, it? An asexual name? Yeah. And it's just like, hey, Taylor. And he kind of like goes, it's an asexual name. And I fucking died. I was like, that was pretty good, bro.

What was he supposed to say? Like, thanks. I can either be a man or a woman. That's fucking funny. It's an asexual name. I know, I love the heckles sometimes. he said something ambiguous or something like that yeah oh yeah it's a sexually ambiguous name yeah i i sometimes i have to remind myself it's like we're telling jokes and being mean to people and busting balls of course and so they're doing it back, you know?

And sometimes, you know, it's like really mean spirited. And other times I'm like, well, now I'm being the pussy. So I should just like that comment too and fucking die on impact. Yeah. I mean, sometimes it's really mean spirited. I mean, it's really. Well, it's got to be weird for you too. Like you, I mean, you had a a successful career but no doubt now is when

yeah yeah so you've had many years used to like this level of this many people and now you're exposed to a lot you know if you grow up on the internet now from 12 years old you're used to thousands of people right on you bad names right when you've had you know this many people in clubs or this many followers and now all of a sudden it's like boom that's a that's a life change where all of a sudden you have to listen to every motherfucker right but i mean 95 of the time they're the nicest kindest but of course you know you focus it's like dad you focus on the one you know you it's like being in you have the audience and you're like look staring at the one guy who's just looking at you. Oh, yeah. We know that one.

Of course. But I'm also – I'm a truth teller and I don't take shit. So it's hard for me to be quiet and not address it. Yeah. But then again, people are – they're such pussies because they would never do that in real life. Yeah. Ever. Ever.

Yeah. It's like never had a bad interaction in real life. Ever. Would they say that to your fans for for the amount that i have online to never have had one on in person right crazy you know what i mean of course like a lot of people haven't had a lot any interaction in person but you also have a fucking avalanche of hate every day not one of them is gonna say no i'm like asking for it they're not gonna do it they it. They're not going to do it. Like I say all the time,

like if you were to meet me, I bet you would buy me a beer. Of course. They love you guys. It's also fucking annoying though. A lot of times they do it just to be like, you know,

try to be funny or try to, they're like, oh, I thought I was, you know, busting your ass. They're such idiots. No, you're, you know,

like wishing death upon me and my family. That's not really that funny, dude. Yeah, it's not funny because also I have an anxiety disorder. So I'm going to end up in a home if you say one more thing. That's going to be the ultimate joke in the end is when, you know, somebody does kill themselves or end up in a home. It's going to be your fault. Got you, guys.

Hope you can sleep at night. Yeah. My suicide list is just going to be all the names who ever said something bad about me. Yeah, Joe in Tallahassee. It was your fault. Colon and then list all the names. You all share some of the blame, you dickheads.

Speaking of the internet and the presence and people saying things to you, how do you know Henry Winkler so well? Yeah, he's always loving your shit. He heard me on Sirius Radio during COVID and he became a fan. And he started contacting me on Twitter.

And then he just got obsessed with my comedy and he started retweeting everything and retweeting my dates. Like, I'll be like, I'm being Bridgeport. And he's just like promoting the cause. And he's like, go see Jessica in Bridgeport.

It's so incredible. He's one of those guys who everybody loves. I love him. I'm like, oh my God, he is my father. Everybody loves him. I know. I love him. We interviewed him a while back. Long time ago.

Long, long time. He could answer the internet. Yeah. Really? One of the first people to answer the internet was fucking Fonzie. It was crazy. And we weren't having a conversation like this. Oh, right, rightonzie. It was crazy. And we were like, really? Yeah.

We weren't having a conversation like this. Oh, right, right, right. It was like, do you like popcorn or chips? But he did good. You were like, did you ever had a woman blow you with a face mask? They were pre-programming Girls Vibrator, Henry. But that is, I saw him, and I didn't see him, I I was watching TV at the Golden Globes the other night

and it was like he tweeted a picture of him taking a picture with Brad Pitt and I was thinking like my god how incredible

a person how impressive a person must he be for Henry Winkler to think I need a picture with him and that applies to you too it's unbelievable

and then I you and Brad Pitt yeah I was at Moon Tower Comedy Festival and I walked – this is so insane. I walked downstairs to the lobby and he was in the lobby doing press for Barry. And he was with his publicist and agents and whoever. And he had a mask on. I had a mask on.

Executor. Yeah, exactly. And it was when everyone was wearing masks and and uh and i walked up to him and i said henry and he said yeah and i said it's jessica kirsten and he goes oh my god like he freaked out what a fucking and i was like what like it was so crazy yeah and i he took his mask off and i took my mask off and um and we started deep kissing and um and he goes oh my god oh my god he grabbed my face and he held my face and he just was like

you're so beautiful you're so amazing you're a genius you're a genius you're just a fucking genius do you remember if there was one video or one thing that like one joke he watches all my stuff he just watches all my stuff he's such a big fan

it's like it's crazy and it's just unbelievable it's like and Robin Williams was like this with me really what yes

he was like he saw me at the Comedy Cellar on a Tuesday night he heckled me this was every people ask me in my Q&A's after my shows because I do them a lot now what's the biggest thing He saw me at the Comedy Cellar on a Tuesday night. He heckled me. People ask me in my Q&As after my shows, because I do them a lot now, what's the biggest thing?

And I think that was it. I was like six years into comedy. I'm 24 now. Robert Williams heckling you. And he said, you're brilliant. You're brilliant. You're fucking genius. And I said, who's heckling me like this? I mean, it was crazy.

And I looked down. It was him. And he was my idol. Shit. And I was just starting out i was six years in and i i said oh my god oh my god it's robin like i freaked out and then after the show he's like in the middle of your set yes oh my god and he was all sweaty and hairy and he hugged me and he said keep doing what you're doing you're going to be a star you're you're don't let anyone

tell you what to do and what not to do because he saw how what a crazy i was on stage yeah he was like you're you're amazing you're amazing and i was like i i i was blown away well honestly though it does not surprise me because yeah there there's not i have not ever heard anybody say not even anything bad about you, it's always a glowing, she's one of the best technically, but also her attitude and everything about you and onstage and offstage, you're one of the most highly spoken about people

I've ever fucking met. I've worked hard on that. I would imagine hard to, you've been in the game for a couple decades, most people probably do make some enemies or have you know a lot like and like it does not seem like there's anybody out there who has i'm proud of my reputation i mean it's not easy in this business you know but i am like i really love the comedians and i love i love the people in it i it's a family you know i mean

there's very few people i dislike um and it's only a couple of people who've been done some shitty things to me and i'm and i will never um i will never be good to them and you have to really be careful yeah because it's like it's like you can't bite the hand you never know who you're gonna need but yeah you know i'll i'll be nice to everybody but if you cross me i'll also make sure i will never yeah i'm like that i'm a scorpio i mean you can apologize and i'll say oh good but i'll scorpio yeah yeah you don't and it takes a lot a lot you can push me to it yeah but then you're once you do it coming back yeah you know i agree with that it is like i'll accept your

apology but i will never ever go out of my way for you ever again. I will never help you. I will never. And there's very few people, but I don't forget shit. Because it's people who've crossed me where it's like I've been accused of being a racist when I've done a character in a video. There was someone who accused me of brought up a video of a character I did from years ago.

And the entire comedy community backed me and said this is ridiculous like jessica does characters and everyone club owners and bookers and comics just were like jessica like are you kidding me she's the kindest most loving and then there were a couple of comics who turned on me and said you know you need to apologize you know this are you fucking racist i will never yeah never see you never ever ever well i mean when you've got the the numbers behind you yeah you don't need those people yeah yeah good on you for um doing it as long as you've done it at the level that you've done it yeah and i just you know there are some people that pop early and some people that pop later, and it oftentimes does not really match up with talent level and performance.

It should have probably happened for you many years ago. Yeah, I wasn't ready. I'm just thrilled that it's happening. I'm really ready now, and I feel that I deserve it. I think it happens for a lot of people way too quick. And it doesn't sustain. It comes and then it goes. And you never hear from them again.

Or they just end up touring and the show doesn't go. I have something in the works now with Bill Burr, which is amazing. Heard of him. And he's been incredible to me. And we have a project together right now which is very exciting and i have a lot going on working on a crowd work special and um you know i i've always worked i've always done television so i've i've always been relevant i've always done the road but like to sell out shows now all over the country and and that took a little too long um yeah do you know do you get

the um like like overnight do people say you popped overnight i always think of it with i think louis had a bit where he was like he's like i didn't like i've been doing this for 20 years it didn't happen overnight you might have learned about me overnight but like i have been here for a long time yeah well i've been here for a long time but I think this this whole thing kind of has happened overnight but it's also because

I hired the right team to help me. Like there's a group of guys that have been brilliant at the marketing part of it. So that's part of it too.

You get the best material in the world and if you don't play by the rules and shit you're never going to get it out there. It's like you got to do it. Like you said in the beginning Chris Chris and I work with don't play by the rules and shit, you're never going to get it out there. It's like you got to do it. Yeah.

Just do it. Like you said in the beginning, Chris and I work with the same guy. He's fucking brilliant. Right, right. He's doing... Yeah, we always see you guys reposting Answer the Internet. No, it's this guy, Brian Morton.

He's amazing. And he's like, you know, it's... You have to do all that. You know, there's a guy that... There's a couple guys that do my captioning and my editing. And then there's a guy, Daniel, who couple guys that that do my captioning and my editing and then there's a guy daniel who does my youtube my youtube has grown to i don't know

what it is now like 330 000 subscribers it was at 13 000 six months ago wow and and you know it's crazy like stand-up comedy i would say is like 95 meritocracy like you got to have the goods if you're funny like that's the first thing. Yes. And then that, but that last like 5% of like, just play the game can go, you can go from 13 to 330.

How many guys, how many guys and girls are stuck at the cellar? Right. Right. They're great. They're funny. But it's like, if you don't put your shit out there and people aren't seeing it,

you'll, you'll work on the road. The one thing we want to try to like, like I think comics are always like, I can't put my, my, my, it you'll you'll work that is on the road the one thing we want to try to like like i i think comics are always like i can't put my my my content out because like i want you to see it on stage and it's like oh you have to there's 200 people gonna see it here 200 000 people are gonna see it here right you know as long as you keep writing new material it can't be like everything you see on instagram is the only thing you see on stage that's why i'm probably putting out my crowd

work special on youtube because it's like, why not? I have a huge following on there. It's growing by 2,000 every day. If you have 3,000, you put it on YouTube. Exactly. And it's like, why not put it out there? And it's so... You have to

put your stuff out there. You have to put it out to the world. And that's why doing things like Answer the Internet and we have a new one if you'll grace us with your presence.

Of course. We have Who's the Biggest Asshole? Oh. Our new card game. So we're going to go next door and do a video. Is it all celebrities? No, it's just scenarios

that are like the boyfriend said this and the girlfriend said that. Oh, I love that. Who's the biggest asshole? Yeah, yeah. So tell the people now you've got new dates all across the country. Oh oh my god i have a ton of dates coming up uh

they're i'm going all over it's jessicacurson.com k-i-r-s-o-n um subscribe on my youtube jessica cerson comedy all the links are on my website i'm on tiktok i have a huge tiktok following i post crowd work clips. So it's not, it's all shit. Every day I post a different clip and you'll just go down a rabbit hole, get stoned and watch all my videos. I have hundreds of them online.

And that's at fuckmeceelytogo? Yeah. Yes. Yes. If you go on youporn.com and put up, if you put in Jewish face sitting,

I come up on the first 11 pages I'm very big on you porn I love it alright you are incredible you are the queen of comedy thanks for coming in សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you. Bye.