KFC Radio - Bert Kreischer, Social Distancing Hobbies, and the Return of Doming

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

KFC and Feits are getting scared of coronavirus and have quarantined (or social distanced) themselves at their apartments. We discuss bringing back doming to trap all the people who are still going out into crowded areas. We give tips on how to keep yourself occupied while social distancing (not just porn). The White Stripes were into some weird stuff. Voicemails include: Is she too old for me?, Movie Remake Perspective, and Hardest Thing to Do Once. Bert Kreischer (50:50) returns to the show. We talk about how great beer is, several times he almost died while filming tv shows, how Joe Rogan and Bill Burr changed his life, pushing himself as a stand up comedian, his Mickey Mantle gene, what he wants to do for next Sober October, and much, much more.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. This is how you get that. This is how you make those eyes pop. I got that. Just a thought. I'm going to go to the office tomorrow and get one of those because we are on two different levels right now. This is very different.

I'm in a bunker. You look like you're on a fucking movie set. No, it's crazy, man. I don't get it. You put a light above you or you look ugly. You put a little circle in front of you. It looks great. It's amazing.

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Because the end of the world is coming, bro. Where is your concern level at now? Um, meaning, like, like, I don't know. I'm pretty fucking scared. I don't think, like, I mean, like, you know, we will bounce back eventually. But, I mean, I think it's going to be, like, several months. I'm pretty, I'm pretty concerned. Yeah, I mean, like, I'm, like, somebody, you know, so this whole weekend I was putting out those videos and the tweets and really fucking yelling at people.

And so many people were tweeting me back being like, what are you fucking scared? Like, yeah, I'm fucking scared. This is scary. The scary thing. Yeah. Dude, did you see that, the fucking, what Large said today on the radio? That was, that one, like, that one I kind of – I needed some CBD after. I kind of had a bit of a panic attack when I read that.

Yeah, so – It's fucking light off. I can't do this. You look stupid. Sorry, babe. The ring light stays. You can get it on Best Buy for like $100. Just order it right now.

So Large – oh, wait. That was on Deke. Let me pull up Deke's quotes because it was a concerning one and extra concerning that it came from Goldman Sachs. Because the only people I'm trusting now are the people who are worried about their money. And Goldman Sachs cares about one thing. Politicians got to worry about elections and they got to worry about lobbyists and things they said. Goldman Sachs follows the money. So, um, and now this, this actually might qualify as fear mongering. So whatever, take it for,

for whatever, you know, take it for what it's worth. But, uh, large did stock central with Dave today because Dave is now doing Davey day trader and all that shit, trading his stocks. And, uh, fuck, where did he delete it? He might have deleted it because it's – oh, here it is. So Large said Goldman Sachs had a secret phone call. They said that 50% of Americans will contract the virus. Peak virus will be over the next eight weeks. They're saying around 2% will die or 3 million people.

That's fucking scary. That's real scary, man. And now, like the flip side is you see Idris Elba comes out and says he has it, and he hasn't shown a single fucking symptom. Donovan Mitchell says he could play a seven-game series right now, not a concern so like as long as this maintains like as long as young people can fight it and they're they're okay with it you know it's it's not the worst thing in the world but three million people is a lot of fucking people man you know what's what's weird is uh because yeah young people will be fine i don't i was like thinking i'll call my grandfather this weekend but it almost feels mean to call right it's like hey we haven't talked in a long time i'm calling

you because you might die soon what's up yeah yeah i was i was weighing the options a lot all weekend like should i get my grandfather a call because it's almost like just reminding him like hey things aren't right not good for you and your buddies. You and your age, Dumbo. Not great. I know. I know. It's tough.

Yeah, I'm pretty scared. I'm pretty – I'm not pumped about this. Not pumped. But like I think that people – I think a healthy dose of fear is a good thing. I think you need to know that like it's – I I mean, you see the tweet I just sent out? The fucking people at the beach? No. Clearwater, Florida.

Beach is packed. Packed. Disneyland last night. You saw that? Disneyland packed to the fucking gills. Dude, if you go to Disney, I think you should, like, it's okay. Yeah, right.

So here's what I said. I said bring back doming. Instead of killing the forest fires now, if you congregate in a big place right now, boom, we drop a dome on your ass, and now you're fucking stuck. You want to go to the beach? Fine.

Guess what? You can't leave. You're staying there forever now. Dome them off, fucking assholes. The, uh... What was I gonna say? gonna say yeah i mean burr had that that bit about cruise ships by what two specials ago yep you could throw you could throw disney world in there too granted a lot of kids are there i know that's the problem if we could somehow i mean hey knock on wood so far coronavirus does not seem to affect kids. Maybe it could just ravage the adults at Disney.

Dude, I mean, I went there as recently as this year, so I can speak to this. There's no one there that's like – That's important, yeah. You're going to miss. No one's missing anybody from Disney. Oh, my God, dude. It is – it's crazy. We did radio remote today.

It was a disaster. We're going to have to figure that out and get used to it. Here's the thing. Me, you, Keith, like we're good, dude. Like I mean this was like, okay, I know how to do this. Like we're fine. Woke up, wrote a blog, did a podcast, did a WFAN spot, did another blog. Now I'm doing this podcast.

We're good. I mean, I can do this. It's other people who are like – the people who are already like, oh, my God. I got to get out of the house. I'm like, we got a long way to go bro dude i i had to go get my mail and because i had my hello fresh yeah that was hard for me to do i know people who want to do stuff like what the fuck is wrong with you social distancing for life dude i feel like this is our time. We've been planning.

I've been distancing myself from people for years. Dude, there were, I mean, a good portion of my 20s, entire days were spent not speaking to people. Not speaking a word. I'm a veteran of this game, and I will prevail for sure. We're born in it. Molded by it. Life finds a way.

We shall continue. We're going to inherit the earth and start this bitch over. It is weird, though, to stare down the barrel of, like, two months at least, right? Like, that's what they're saying for gatherings and shit so like san francisco just did six weeks straight up you're not allowed outside at all during any hours i know let me double check i i like to have you know some semblance of accuracy here so let me double check jersey's doing 8 p.m to 5 a.m so like basically no night time um so you know it's like yeah you can go somewhere during the day if you need to work Jersey is doing 8 p.m. to 5 a.m., so basically no nighttime.

It's like, yeah, you can go somewhere during the day if you need to work, and then you've got to stay home. Okay. Lockdown in San Francisco to be announced. Six Bay Area counties are expected to announce a shelter-in-place order for all residents Monday, directing everyone to stay inside their homes, away from others as much as possible for the next six weeks midnight tuesday goes into effect i mean yeah like i don't know if it's an american thing uh modern thing whatever but the amount of people who are like

i'm gonna live my life and do what I want because it's America. Okay, asshole. As long as you can sleep at night with being the motherfucker that killed everybody's grandparents. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? It really is of all the things to like what you have to do to be a hero. Sit on the couch if you want sit down

some people run into burning buildings others fight in wars and that's how they're their heroic act it's actually very millennial so to speak our big act our big heroic act of our lifetimes won't be storming the beaches of Normandy

and granted obviously there are wars being fought anyway. But like for the rest of us, it's just sitting on the couch. Right. Your grandparents faked their age to go to war, to pick up guns. And they stormed the beaches. And there are firefighters and there are police officers who get gunned down in the line of duty. There are doctors on the battlefields.

There are people volunteering, getting their hands dirty. And you, we just want you to Netflix. We just watch you. We just watch porn at home. And there are people who are like, no, we can't do it. Dude, I'll tell you what.

Yesterday was a tough day. Yesterday, I mean Pornhub, I ran a show on it. Like there might be something. Like I don't know. I think my mind is going to be working completely by the time this is all said and done. I'm going to rewire my brain. Yeah, I could't know. I think my mind is going to be working completely by the time this is all said and done. Oh, man. I'm going to rewire my brain. Yeah, I could see that.

I could see this is going to – I'm going to come out of this thing with some sort of new fetishes and some sort of new kinks. Like I'm not into it now, but six weeks, eight weeks, ten weeks from now, I'll be watching fucking hentai porn and shit. I learned a new porn term, John. What is it? I don't even know how to fucking say it. It's like ah-ha-geo. It's A-H-A-G-E-O, I think. So I watched this video of this young woman

who just got her mouth treated like a vagina. I mean, it was just a fiasco for her and her mouth and then she did this thing in the middle of it where she just and and i i can demonstrate because we're doing it on skype here she just like it's just her and the camera and she's going like this like googling her eyes and rolling them around the back of her head and crossing her eyes with her face being a fucking mess and apparently it's like a hentai thing crazy john i don't think and i'm learning new porn shit i don't think i'm into that no i was not down the line i was not into it i was like i she started doing it and i was like what the fuck is going on here and then i read like in the like the bot like the comments or whatever the description it said that i was like uh and i'll tell you what it just reinforces you goddamn asians eating bats causing pandemics and watching weird porn the fuck is

wrong with you guys but i swear if on day two i'm figuring this shit out what's gonna happen on day 202 i'm scared john i'm scared probably gonna be watching this stuff we have burt kreischer on the episode today watching what he's talking about you got burt kreischer on the fucking show i totally forgot about that burt kreischer on the show unbelievable interview me and john went into the office a couple saturdays ago thank god by the way well i mean there's more important things in the world, but we did get this one in right before coronavirus took over. Awesome interview with Bert and an even better ATI that will be out tonight, Tuesday night. We're going to do a YouTube release. So if anybody watched the New York, New Jersey,

Connecticut governor's press conference, it was like a live YouTube where we had it. There was like a chat room on the side so you could watch and chat, and it all released at the same time so everybody could watch it together. We're going to do that with Bert's YouTube. So answer the internet live at 9 p.m. Tuesday night. We'll all interact as it comes out, and you can watch alongside with us. But, yeah, first time Bert came through to Kfc radio he talked about quicksand porn and he opened up our eyes to a whole new world second time he talked about freeze porn which is i'll let him describe it to you in

the interview but yeah i'm gonna definitely be doing a little little search for that was it in the interview or was it ATI, he said? Oh, shit. You're right. It was ATI. So we'll describe it here. So there's this Asian porn where this guy walks in and he has, like, the magic words. He's like a magician.

He does magic. And he says, like, And it makes everybody in the room freeze. And then he runs around fucking them while they're frozen. And then he snaps his fingers and time resumes. And they're all like covered in calm and they're naked and they just got fucked and they don't know what happened. It's just sounds like Japanese freeze tag rape. I don't understand how Bert even stumbles upon.

He's opened my eyes to two really disturbing things yeah like it's like he has to go out of his way to find just fucked up stuff well we said it the first time with quicksand porn like it takes a lot to to surprise me i know it all i know all the tricks i know all the things and burt said have you guys watched quicksand porn i said yeah because of you. And he's like, well, I got some new shit for you. I got that new, new. So the machine Bert Chrysler on the show today. We'll get to our voicemails, of course, as well.

But I mean, anything else Corona related? Like, obviously, all sports are cooked. Get your Netflix on. Dude, I'll tell you what. i'm reading an article right now uh that i completely forgot about it's called i think about this often uh-huh when when the white stripes just pretended to be siblings they weren't they're not they're married wow that's fucking weird it's so weird like for a decade they just pretended to be brother and sister like he would in jack white would introduce meg he'd be like let him like let's bring my big sister up on stage right now and then they'd go home and fuck see this is why there's step porn all over the place because people are weird and kinky like that.

It's one of the more – I'm only like – you called me in the middle of it. I'm only like halfway through the article. But like I remembered them being siblings. I don't think I knew they were married. I think it's weird enough when – I definitely didn't know that. I think it's weird enough when like you know mac and d are married to each other and fucking dennis and and the like that's strange enough to be married and to willingly choose to play siblings is fucking jacked up man it's one of the more twisted things

i've ever heard do you think that it like it's a weird like do you think that a manager could have been like you know what i think really plays a brother and sister duo like in music that crush why don't you guys just say you're that or do you think that they're just like fucking weird and like creepy and like let's just pretend to be siblings i think they're just weird i think they're they're just like they're White Stripes are definitely fucking weird. We know that. But what the hell, man? Because you know they go home and they start to fuck and they're like, come on over here, big bro. Like, come here, sissy.

You know what I mean? Come here, sissy? Yeah, I'm sure they're weird like that. Come here, sis. Ha-ha. Isn't that funny? We pretend to be siblings. Suck my dick, sis. Ha-ha sis ha ha ha no you're those man absolute fucking weirdos um all right let's get in i also uh for for corona i bought uh i'm doing two things okay we'll keep it up date for me here

uh two things i've done to prepare for you know potentially being bored we'll keep it up to date for me here. Two things I've done to prepare for, you know, potentially being bored. We'll see. One, ukulele for beginners. Oh, God, I hate your guts. I hate your guts. If you hate that, what I did to the other move is either genius or crazy or both but i got jealous with ben affleck going viral the other day because everyone's so surprised he speaks spanish and i was like i speak ben affleck spanish i can do that so what i did unprecedented move here i bought two books one spanish one english and i'm gonna read

the i'm gonna read the spanish book and keep the english version next to me for reference you are the biggest asshole in the world yo i'm gonna come out of corona fucking bilingual son you are not going to come out of son. You are not going to come out of Corona bilingual. You are not gonna come out of Corona as a ukulele player. You are gonna come out of Corona with a chafed dick, and that's fucking it. You're gonna come out of Corona with a chafed

dick and 20 extra pounds, you fat fucking idiot. This is ridiculous. You're like my friend who said he was gonna learn Mandarin and move to fucking China. He never learned anything other than ni hao, wo shi li shi mao. He learned like two fucking words. You guys are assholes.

Oh, my God. I'm going to take that fucking little guitar and I'm going to smash it on your head like I'm Jeff Jack. Hey, Kevin, why are you so angry? I don't like it. I hate you so much. I hate you so much. Don't make me laugh. One time I made a... I'm dying. If you just told me... I get why I'm so hateable.

Oh, yeah. Can you imagine just being like, oh, yeah, this is my buddy. His plans for quarantine are learning to play the ukulele, and he bought a Spanish book. No, I hide that from people. If anybody ever says, what's Feinberg like? He's a good guy.

That's it. I won't go into specifics because if I tell you any specifics about the clothes he wears, the things he does, the hobbies he has, the fucking habits he takes. He's awful. He's the worst. I mean, I get it. I sure do get it. Absolutely, man. 100%.

We'll do, uh, my Spanish book isn't in yet. The English version is in. Um, the Spanish version has not gotten here yet. Um, but we'll I'll be providing updates. I'm very excited to get into the ukulele in. The Spanish version has not gotten here yet. I'll be providing updates. I'm very excited to get into the ukulele for beginners. What's like the

first song you're going to learn? I don't know. That's a good question. First, I've got to start off learning about the ukulele history and origins. Of course. Conventional misunderstandings about the ukulele. Oh, there's so many. Maybe a. Thrived. Conventional misunderstandings about the ukulele. Oh, there's got to be so many. Maybe a chapter for you there.

You're right, John. This was like you said about push-ups. Like this is the time. Put your money where your mouth is, guys. Everybody do your push-ups. Oh, by the way, I got to give a shout-out to this guy TJ who offered. He's a personal trainer and he said everybody DM him if

you want to go to the gym and stay in shape and you can't anymore and he got like 650 DMs and he's responding to each of them one by one putting out a plan for them so there's a lot of people out there doing good while we just sit here and

fucking yell at each other and play ukuleles and shit yeah but yeah this is time to you know if you've been saying like oh i'm gonna write a book well fucking do it or oh i'm gonna get in shape well bang them out now is the time to put your money where your mouth is and i bet you're not gonna because they're just gonna sit around being lazy i'm gonna i'm gonna read the prince of mist and uh and uh oh yeah this is like a young adult novel too i'll be able to breeze through this uh yeah big no problem there no oh you know what you are as stupid and hateable as you are you are a smart fella you see the movies movie uh studios doing your idea yeah for cheap too 20 bucks dude and you know the

craziest thing to me was the replies to that tweet were all too expensive all right well let me back up so john we've been talking about this idea forever but john tweeted it out the other day saying uh once fast furious 9 got pushed back he said why don't we charge 100 bucks and you can just have it on demand right away? And all the broke boys and the poors of the world were all up in arms. Who would ever pay $100 for a movie? To which you very aptly described, if you get two movie tickets and popcorn and Coke and all that shit, it's almost $100 anyway. When you factor in the convenience of your house, you pay a premium.

It's about $100. I guess, though, we got to realize that we are just coastal elite assholes and there are people in the midwest who would never pay a hundred dollars but 20 people so paramount is releasing the hunt which is a pretty cool fucking movie that got pushed back because of the those mass shootings but it's pretty cool that movie might just be cursed yeah right right that's just this is not a good time. And then The Invisible Man, which looks pretty fucking creepy and cool. $20? I mean, is there anywhere left, even in like the poorest states in the country, aren't movie tickets going to be like $10? I would guess yes, absolutely.

Who the fuck is not willing to pay $20? I mean, $20 is what a movie costs when it comes out like six months after theaters. Right. Like $20 is what a movie costs when it comes out six months after theaters. $20 is what a movie costs. So you're getting it early. You don't have to go anywhere. $20 is a good job by them to do the people a solid.

Fucking complaining about that. Broke boys. Yeah, I mean, it's the biggest no-brainer. i think we've been talking about it ever since we learned that red dead red dead redemption which you can download for 50 bucks made 725 million dollars opening weekend one fucking weekend that's you know i don't know what the biggest like the biggest box office is like a billion dollars. What did Endgame do? Yeah, like over the course of like a year.

Right. I mean Endgame, like they really pushed for that too. Yeah. They put it back in theaters with a new theme. That was cheating. Yeah. Yeah. That was like – that was big cheating.

And that's – some people go see that like – Bob Fox saw like nine times or whatever. Right. Like one time if you i think 100 bucks is reasonable if you watch it with two people it's the same price and to be honest i would probably end up buying it like solo anyway you know like yeah the logic is like hey guys come on over everyone give me like 20 bucks i'm not gonna like charge a cover to come to my house i would just buy it for 100 and be an an idiot. I wouldn't buy it at all for either. No. Social distancing. The coronavirus is

going to be gone, and I'm going to be like, it's going to be like a year from now, I'm going to be like, nah, man, I can't come. Social distancing. It'll be, Kevin, it's safe. We got the cure. Nah, man, social distancing. No. Alright, voicemails today are brought to you by Roman. So, there's going to be

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Go to GetRoman.com slash KFC for your first month of swipes for just $5. All right. Voicemails. I got to open that up. Hang on. I'm going to just play these out loud, John, if you can't hear them. I guess we'll just do it old school. I'll re-repeat them.

Okay. This is some old school shit. This is when John checks his phone as I play the voicemail, and then I reiterate what happened, and we keep it moving. Let's start out with dating a much older woman. KFC, Spice, SuperproducerBC. I was just calling. I had a quick question. So I'm 21 years old.

I became single like six months ago, and I'm getting back into the dating scene. I have a a girl for almost four years. So I just had my first date with a girl who's 28 and has a four-year-old kid. Remember, I'm 21. So the entire date, we were both laughing. We had a great time.

It ended up going back to her place. I still live at home with my parents, but she's made out with me in her car and made it very clear she wanted a second date. I was just wondering if you guys have any advice for dating a very much older girl. She's hot as shit. She's a four-year-old.

Well, then I'll leave her. I mean, 21 to 28 isn't that old. No, but 21 to single mother is huge. Yeah, that's a big – That girl could be – she could be 22. She's got a kid. Yeah.

It's not the age thing at all. Once – I think once you're 21, it's like you're over 21, you're all the same age. Right. And then I think there's kind of like 21 to like 28 is probably like the same age right and then i think i think there's kind of like 21 to like 28 is probably like the same and then i think like 28 and up is like you're just old you know what i mean yeah that's that's probably pretty fair i feel like there's a there's one more like line of delineation and usually it's when like you get married and have kids too because like you could be you know look at dave portnoy dave portnoy's 45 and he's like a 21 year old you know so and i'm younger than him but i have kids so i'm

older you know so i think the the x factor here too is that she's a she's got a four-year-old kid so she had kids early and she's been like in the mom game for a while like if she just popped a kid out and she was like whatever i'm just'm just going to go back to partying. Like my parents will take care of this baby. But she's like a mom, four years old. I think that she's probably like, I got to find a guy. I got to find a man. You think so?

Why? Because I feel like girls who are single moms might feel like the clock's ticking. Like she's a hot chick, but she's got to get it. She's got to like settle down with someone now. Oh, I disagree. I think it's – You think she's looking for fun? You think she's looking for fun? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I could see – I think it's probably one extreme or the other though. I don't think she's somewhere in the middle. Because if you're looking for someone to settle down with, someone in adulthood is their parents. Granted, you're 21. You're young. Right. But that's probably not who – Yeah, not settled down with, but I feel like she's going to want a consistent – I guess it all really depends on why she's a single mom too.

If she – I feel'm in my mind i'm picturing like she just got divorced she's just like newly single and she's kind of like not used to that life but if she's just like out here just having a good time i guess yeah you could just keep throwing it i would i mean like you're you're the authority here on this like i don't even know how like i wouldn't want to like i'd like, I don't want to meet the kids. Yeah, I mean, that – when you're 21, I'm not going to be, like, stepdad. No way. So that's, like – I guess that'll probably – that's probably a good indication for this guy.

Like, if she's just like, yeah, let's have a second date, and they're fucking going out, they're partying, and they start hooking up, doing all the fun shit, and she's, like, let's have a second date and they're fucking going out their party and they start hooking up doing all the fun shit and she's like never bringing up the kids or anything i think then you found yourself a good situation if she's like you know weekdays want to come over hang out and have dinner with me and my daughter i think you're in over your head. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like it could be – if she's willing to play, I feel like it could be like a great relationship in like a long-distance one where those are the best because you just live two lives. Right. Where it's like, all right, you can go with your kids, and then I get to do whatever the hell I want.

Right. And when we're together, we're together. Which, by the way, will inevitably crash and burn to do whatever the hell I want. Right. And, you know, when we're together, we're together. But... Which, by the way, will inevitably crash and burn because there will be a time where you're like, I'm shit-faced

with my buddies playing beer pong. Right. And she's like, can you come over and, like, help me with my daughter or something like that.

Dude, that's just crazy to me. Like, I always think about that with, like, basically anyone in the world other than me like people who are on call for stuff like like like doctors or or politicians like can you just get because like the moment i have a drink the days are right off right i i we i think we were talking about it with oh we were talking about it with burt where he's like when you just finally get like someone to finally drink and the last person is like, ah, fuck it, fine.

Yep. And like once – like the moment I'm – like my dad is one of those weird guys where he like – he'll have like three beers and then he'll go to the gym. Yeah. It's all or nothing. Like when I crack a top, my day is done. Which, by the way, I just – before we started this, I watched a clip of Segura and Bergkreischer. He had his beer. They were doing two beers, one cave.

Segura started it off, cracked a beer, gave him a toast, said this week your special comes out. And he just chugged the fuck out of it. It was like it feels so good because he was holding off. He was like I can't have a beer until I'm all set i'm all done did all my promo so uh yeah for me it's it's it's ones i don't get the whole like i'll just have a couple glasses or a couple beers it's one speed only yeah i mean like it it's not even like i'm not gonna like i'm not saying i do it i like once i have one beer i i drink a million blackout but it's just like the day is done. Yeah.

There will be nothing else productive done today. And that's why I don't think I'll ever be able to have children because guess what? The day is never done. It can never be done, dude. It's never done. Dude, like imagine that. Like that exact scenario is exactly what I was fearing where it's like, oh, like so-and-so fell and broke his arm. Can you come take me to the hospital?

Like, no, I'm drunk. No, I can't. I'm blacked out. Yeah. Yeah, that's – Getting it over. Figure it out yourself. Well, that's – I mean, that's also the – like if you're hooking up with a 21-year-old, you know the fucking score. So I guess, yeah, I mean, as I talk through it, settle down might not be the right word because she's got to know that he's a 21-year-old idiot.

But I think she might be looking for like something consistent or exclusive or more than a 21-year-old might be willing to give. Or she's just like, I need some dick. So I think you're going to have to feel it out and pick up on the social cues regarding date number two. And because, you know, like if she if she didn't they went home they didn't go home together the first night i don't know you know what i mean if she was just like i gotta get out of the house and fuck it would make sense but to go on a date it all went well nothing else happened i want to see you again that kind of leads me to believe she's hoping for something a little more i mean if she's hoping for something a little more.

I mean, if she's hoping for more, she's a dummy. Yeah, yeah. I mean – If you don't understand that a 21-year-old who was just in a long relationship probably isn't the person to blame. That's the other thing. So, yeah, think about that. You've got a girl who either divorced or god forbid something worse on one end murder maybe maybe she's a black widow maybe that's oh wait a minute don't date this girl she's gonna

murder you she's just plotting her next kill but you got there's got to be nothing weirder like even as this guy described this voicemail is kind was kind of rolling my eyes. I'm 21. I'm getting back on the dating scene after getting out of a relationship from four years. You were dating a girl when you were 16, dude. Back into the day. What do you mean back? The last time you were doing this, you were going to school dances. And you were ice skating with your girlfriend. You know what I mean?

Like the dating scene. What are you talking about, dude? You've quite literally never been involved in the dating scene. Never. This is your first for mean like the dating scene what are you talking about dude yeah yeah you you've quite literally never been involved in the date never this is your first foray into the dating scene you you 14 and fucking girl at the bar what he he was dating probably right let's say you're 16 years old you've probably had like a pseudo meaningful relationship with maybe 40 women if you're 16 yeah or 40 girls in your life i'm talking about like your like sisters teachers it's like any girl you've come in contact you've interacted with 40 women in your life right right right you've had the smallest possible selection pool.

Absolutely. They were like – you're counting principals, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters. Friends, yeah, classmates. You probably knew 40 women. Maximum. And only 10 of them you could legally date. Right. And you just picked one of those women and you did it for four years there is nothing crazier than me i know i know when you're in it in everything in life

when you're in it it's the most important thing to you whether it's a relationship or your job or the sport whatever it is when someone tries to tell you like, bro, in a few years, you're going to look back. This doesn't matter. It's like, yeah, that's true. You're right. But also you got to understand from my point of view, I've never experienced anything other than this. So this is the most important thing to me, but there should be some sort of rule. It's like, you know, you're not allowed to drive until you're 16. You just, you don't get your hopes up when you're 13 or 14. You just know it's not allowed. There just should be no dating allowed when you're a teenager.

None. Not even college. Just 22. You're like 21. You can start drinking and dating. That's it. You might, you can still fuck, but you can't be in a relationship. Cause I'm thinking about my dumb ass.

There was times where I was like upset about a girl and I'm sure my parents were like, shut up you fucking idiot you know like there's nothing more infuriating than like a 17 year old who thinks that the world's ending i mean i guess it's what's going on here it's like yeah no i have to go to this bar i have to go out and party because that's what my life is like just stop being a fucking asshole. Yeah. Let's see what's next. But speaking of, like, parents, like, when, like, my mom just straight up was like, she's like, you weren't a good boyfriend. And I was like, all right, that makes sense.

Yeah, for sure. Like, no doubt. I understand what you mean. I was like, I was like sad. And she's like, why are you so sad? I was like, I don't know. I wish I was in a relationship. But you weren't good at it all right that's there talk a little movies hey kfc fights bc saw this question on reddit i thought it was perfect for you guys um now the

movie industry is basically just remaking every movie in the 80s or every movie that's ever made, just redoing it again or a sequel or something along those lines. Instead of doing that, why not have it from the perspective of somebody else's movie? So, for example, in Batman The Dark Knight, you get the movie completely from the Joker's perspective, and I think that's way better than doing remakes. So if you were going to pick a movie to redo from somebody else's perspective. And I think that's way better than doing remakes. So if you were going to pick a movie to redo from somebody else's perspective, who would it be and what movie would it be?

All right, thanks. This is a great question. I love these, man. I love reimagined shit and alternate histories and whatever. So does, like, the world. That's why Wicked and all that shit was hot in the streets. One movie told from a perspective of a different character. I feel like the Joker and Batman, I think a big idea would be to go from the villain's point of view.

Correct. And the Joker is, you know, one of the all-time villains. I feel like they kind of did it a little bit with Star Wars where you got to see Darth Vader as Anakin. So that's already been done a little bit. Which, by the way, I mean, when it's all said and done, the Star Wars franchise stinks. I mean, they got three good movies out of nine. They got six very shitty movies. That's true.

Thirty three percent. Not good. I mean, you know, when when everyone we always say like when people say like don't make a sequel just like leave it alone like well when you make six sequels and they all stink you probably should have left it alone yeah i i'm team sequel i don't i don't think that a bad movie ruins the good movie but when the bad movies start to outweigh the good movies that changes the legacy right it's like the you know the brady and lebron thing where it's like well you're gonna lose as many as he won and i mean it's not really true but at least it changes the narrative around your

your uh you know your greatness or your legacy or whatever one movie told from a different perspective i would like to see it's not a movie but like uh i guess this got a little bit cliche on the internet but if you could see the office from fucking uh roy's point of view like those those tales where it's like this this guy just stole my girlfriend man what the fuck because there's so many think about how many romances there are where like the person's in a bad relationship what appears to be a bad relationship because you're seeing it from one point of view and she like runs off at when there's a movie where someone runs away at the altar and it's like the big moment at the end where it's

like oh god they got together like this bitch just left someone at the altar so one of those movies a rom-com of some sort where someone's getting dumped or shit on or whatever. All-time villains. Let me see who are some good villains. I'm trying to think. I got nothing on the brain right now. I like to do a little Back to the Future from Biff's point of view. But they kind of cover all those things in the trilogy.

You see it from different points of views. I always liked Karate Kid. Well, they did that with Cobra Kai. Right, right, right. That's true. Fucking yeah. They've just done them all already. It makes sense that when this kind of became

a wave that a lot of the good ones have already been done because smarter people other than us are – you know what would be good is like Rocky from Drago's point of view to see like all the Russians like hate the Americans, like all the hype leading up to it or Miracle on Ice if you saw things from the – like the locker room after the Miracle on Ice from the Soviet Union point of view could not have been a good scene. No, it was. Oh, yeah? Trediak famously said that. It was fun for them. I'm sure they weren't in the locker room spraying champagne. Right.

I believe it was Trediak or someone said that. They had won. Winning was just what they did. It wasn't fun for them anymore. We win. They enjoyed watching the Americans celebrate on the ice because they hadn't felt that

in forever. That's crazy. Yeah. I don't know if I did feel that way. It's also incredibly cocky. Yeah. Like, we just got so bored of winning. It didn't even register as, like, a thing to celebrate to us anymore. It's like, I fuck so much that I like not having sex.

Right. That's a good one to think, though. I'm sure we can get, we can have some people tweet it out. Everyone's got a lot of time to kill these days, so hop on Twitter with us at kfc radio and tweet uh what one movie you could hear you could see reimagined from another point of view let's do uh one more voicemail all right last voicemail of the day is brought to you by miller light stock up on your miller light for the quarantine because you're gonna to need it. Some of us are at home with kids and family.

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That's all. That's all. Just drink your beer and hang out at home, and you too can be a hero. So Miller Lite is the official beer of quarantine heroes everywhere. Okay? It's brewed in Milwaukee, so you know it's that good stuff. It's Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. It's 96 calories, 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

And we suggest that you celebrate responsibly. Although I might add that if you're under quarantine and you're not going anywhere and nobody's driving, that maybe you can extend the definition of responsibly. That's all I'll say. But either way, it's the official beer of KFC Radio, the official beer of all our voicemails, and the official beer of the quarantine everywhere.

It's the last voicemail. Let's see. I'm going to give you a choice, John. You can do... You can do... Hardest thing to do once or helping friends move? Hardest thing to do once. Good choice.

Good choice. Good choice. So, KFC5, Super Reducer, BC, first time, long time. I had a question.

What do you think is the hardest thing to have only one of? My example would be like a bowl of cereal. You have one bowl of cereal and you know you're going for two. No.

So I was curious, like, what do you guys think is the hardest thing to do just once and not do it again? Thanks. I mean, I know what he's saying

about multiple bowls of cereal, but it's not the hardest. There's plenty of times I've only had one bowl of cereal. I think this kind of goes back to our discussion. One beer is pretty tough. One beer is...

One beer is the toughest thing to do. I actually find goes back to our discussion. One beer is pretty tough. One beer is, one beer is a tough thing to do. I actually find two beers to be harder. Cause one beer, there are times where it's like, all right, I gotta go to dinner. But my buddy who's in town and I only see him like once a year is right at, right next door.

I'm going to go have one. And then I got to go. Two beers is like, you're sitting there enough times gone by. You have a couple couple you want it you want to have a third i feel like one i feel like it's like one or four is is beers for me or then you know then you keep going but one one beer is a tough one uh popsicles popsicles huh dude i i haven't had a popsicle in like 15 years my parents always have them so

like whenever i go home i take down a box of popsicles really easy just smash them really wow i would never have guessed that that's that's cold and and that that feeling when you do you bite them do you ever ever bite them? No. That feeling, right? Makes you teetotally – I hated you even saying that. Yeah. I absolutely can only do two Entenmann's Donuts. I absolutely have to have two packs of Entenmann's Mini Muffins. Can't do one of either of those.

I honestly think Popsicles are my final answer really? yeah I'm trying to think of something else that's fucking hilarious that you eat popsicles that often absolutely I never buy them I never have them here but when I'm at home just smashing

kinds of popsicles too what's your favorite popsicle? minute made ones wait There are all kinds of popsicles too. Just like – What's your favorite popsicle? Minute Maid ones. Wait. You know, I'm including the whole world, your favorite popsicle. Those are the ones that I eat most at home. At home, right. But I'm going to include the ice cream truck.

There's a correct answer here. It's the firecracker. Yeah, okay. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I mean that there there is that is a not an opinion that's a fact or fudgicle fudgicle is real good too yeah but come on that's not even that's a fudgicle it's not it's not an ice pop it's a fudgicle it's like a chocolate thing

the ice pop reigns supreme the firecracker any sort sort of red, white, and blue, whatever. But the firecracker is the one. All right. It's now time for the man you've been waiting for. Burt Kreisler is in the building. I said that there's a short list of people that I would come in to work on a Saturday for. And he's on it. And my God, did he deliver. He's just one of the best interviews in the fucking game

very humble very talented knows so many great people like he admits to name dropping in the interview because every story he's telling it's about someone who's just fucking awesome uh so i mean he checks every single box interview with burt is brought to you by attitude i got my attitude sheets right here they come in this fancy little pouch, this nice little rope, and you can just pop them open, and I got, oh, these are so fucking soft, bro. Yeah, they're there.

They are so soft. They are on my bed as we speak. This is what's up right here. Bamboo sheets is the future, baby. So the bamboo sheets, I don't know how it works. Sounds like magic to me because when I think of bamboo, I think of hard wooden sticks that panda bears eat. But if you strip them down, apparently they come out to be really soft sheets as well. So once again, under quarantine, you're going to be spending a lot of time at home. You're probably going to be hanging out in your bed a little more often than maybe you do ordinarily.

So you got to make sure that you got the comfiest, softest, coolest, freshest sheets in the game. These put cotton sheets to shame. You want to talk about your 1,000 thread count sheets? Whatever, bro. I got bamboo up in here. 100% organic, clean bamboo sheets. It is pure heaven. Silk is too hot.

Cotton's too lame. Linen's too scratchy. Bamboo sheets is the new hotness. And right now, you can get a discount when you text BAMBOO to 64,000. You're going to get 20% off your sheet set right now when you text bamboo to 64 000 you get a 30-day risk-free trial uh and if you don't like them you can return them for a full refund and they'll cover shipping on the returns it's 20 off your attitude sheets when you text bamboo to 64 000 it's what's going wrong It's what's wrong with me.

Inherently fucking wrong with me. Which is what? So you got a show tonight. You want a drink pretty much at all times, but now you're getting to the point where you can't. This is filled with positive energy. So there's serotonin inside here for me. And so the way it works, I have two shows at the Beacon tonight. And what will happen is my brain'll wake up and I'll go,

I want a beer. And if I know that I can have a beer, then I'm good. I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I'm like, oh yeah, we're going to be fine. Let's go work out. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. But if I have shit to do, this is so fucking tempting. So he goes, fuck that, dude. No one tells you what to do. You make the fucking rules.

Dirk's king of Dirk. You get the big dick or you fucking... I've been partying way so fucking hard lately. Yeah? Even by your standards? No one tells you what to do. You make the fucking rules. Dirk's king of Dirk. You get the big dick or you fucking. I've been partying way so fucking hard lately. Yeah? Yeah. Even by your standards? Like hard for work? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My standards are when you wake up and your sweat smells like piss.

That's my standards. I've been partying a ridiculous amount because fucking coronavirus, man. So you got it. I mean, you got it. It's like, come on. It's a number. Who knows? By the way, by the time this comes out, they'll be like, he actually got it it's like come on who knows by the way by the time this comes out they'll be like he actually got it and that's sad he was making a lot of jokes about

it i really am wondering who the first celebrity is going to be to get it well i mean i feel like for a comedian it's not good i mean you're all over the country oh yeah you're shaking hands you're doing meet and greets i tell you what a glass half full i am you said for a comedian it's not good i was like are you kidding me? You know how fucking viral you go on Instagram stories? Day two. So we have a guy here who he's been out all week. He hasn't come to work with it, but he's showing flu-like symptoms.

He doesn't know what it is. But you can also just get the flu. Right. He's afraid to go. He officially has the flu. Oh, he does? Because he told me he was afraid to go to the doctor and check it out. Because if it was that, he was like, they're going to throw me in a cage not let me out but oh do they do that i mean i'm pretty sure you get quarantine pretty quick if they if you get quarantine for three months i

think i think i'll just rough it out at all that's what i'm saying so i didn't blame him with a bunch of fucking you're gonna put me in the superdome right yeah this is like some katrina shit man oh they will be sexually assaulting us this quick. I heard about Chris Kyle for the Raptors. I can't catch it twice. Fuck that. I agree with you with the sense that getting it would be good. I'm going to Europe at the end of the month.

I was going to cancel it because I didn't know what was going to happen. We talked it out and I was like, dude, if I get stuck in Europe and we got to do this podcast just Skype and it's just me quarantined in fucking Europe. But that's fucking blown up. Awesome. That's a great storyline. The thing is, I don't like this is what's wrong with this.

This is what's wrong with this medium is we don't know enough to responsibly share information. But here we are going. Here we are going. How cool would it be to get it? And then, you know, that's going to come back and bite us in the ass where they're like, we're like, these guys were celebrating the virus that has decimated our country. I saw a tweet. Again, who knows if these people are informed. They said they did an autopsy on one of the bodies and that it had AIDS-like effects on the body.

And I was like, oh, okay. Maybe I should stop joking about this. That's so funny. Glass half full. So you're saying I'll lose weight. I like the positivity. And also, the AIDS is kind of always like the flu. Didn't they used to call it the bug?

Yeah. That's kind of like, it makes sense. They said the lungs were ravaged and shit. I was like, well, this is also probably some weird Asian person. No, but I think from what I understand, and by the way, this is all like third hand of me texting with other comedians. The only ones that are getting it, that are getting really sick

are old people. Right. And that everyone else, it's just like the common cold. By the way, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but that's what they're saying. That disclaimer opens our episode every time.

Yeah, yeah. I don't, I so don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. About anything, man. About anything. I feel like, I would trust you on like comedy, right? You know what the fuck I'm talking about. About anything, man. About anything. I feel like I would trust you on comedy, right? You know what you're talking about with comedy. I'm really versed in comedy, but when it comes to –

like if you told me that my earth was flat and that they had proof, I'd be like, I guess I was wrong. I say this all the time. I'm like, I get it. Like scientists tell me and they show me a picture and they talk about the horizon. I understand it, but I don't really understand it. I'm just taking your word for it.

Yeah, and I'm not – and I'm so easily swayed on my opinions just on anything yeah like i'd be talking that's a dying trait though that's a good trait i'm glad you have it it's a horrible no no no no like a cheap blanket so many people can't admit they're wrong or just dig their heels in deeper it's like you were just wrong it's because my dad my dad my dad was my dad beat that into me literally beat that into me like was his thing was i remember the iraq war right i come home i drive home i got long hair i pull it back in a ponytail because i had the windows down i walk in i'm 17 years old and i'm like and my dad's watching the war on tv now all of this is like lost on me i just go it's fucking

stupid war we need to get rid of this president and get out of this war. My dad goes, you're a fucking moron. And I went, what? He goes, go to your room. I'm 17. Go to your room and don't come out until you realize why you're wrong. So I go to my room and I'm like, fuck him. Here's what happens. Old men just all want to support the president.

Us young guys, we're going to revolt and rage. And then I'm like, I wonder what this war is about and i was like i don't really know anything about the war like i don't know why did we go to war so then i walked downstairs i was like hey why did we go to war he goes he was killing his own fucking people and i went oh that's different and my dad sat me down and was like this is my dad has always given me the whatever opinion i have my dad takes the other one and tells me why i'm wrong which is like a bill burr thing to do yeah you cannot have a conversation with bill burr or rogan

without them just it's natural in their brain taking the opposite side and working it back the other way proving you oh and it's like that's i think that's why i'm drawn to bill burr and rogan is my dad's approval but yeah my dad was like my dad was like i remember him going you have no idea for my whole life we've only heard of war we are now watching war on television he goes this is fucking amazing and then i sat with my dad and we watched the gulf invasion and watched the war and it was bizarre now to be able to watch you never had that you never had that and i was like holy shit so yeah i'm always flip-flopping on opinions like anything you name it name people with strong opinions fuck them they suck like i'll i'll your conviction

i change with the wind dude abortion um i go both ways i'm like i'm by with abortion i think a woman's right to her body and choose what she wants to do with her body is her own right and a man shouldn't tell her what to do and if that woman wants to murder a baby, she should be allowed to. There we go. I'm on both sides of the fence. I remember I told someone, they go, you don't really think it's murder. I go, well, it's not not murder. And they were like, it is not not murder. And then I was like, what? And they were like, I had an abortion

when I was 15. I was like, no. And I'm back on your side. Burr's got a great joke about that when he talks about the cake batter. And he's like, if you knock over someone making a cake batter, and you're like, that wasn't even a cake, you're like, well, it was gonna be. It's on the way.

It's so much better. Yeah, Burr's a fucking interesting dude. I talk about him a lot lately because I'm spending a lot of time with him. We do a podcast together called Bill Burt, and his brain works so fucking quick where you're just like... I'm like...

I can't remember what we were talking about the other day. We were talking about... We were talking about... I saw a conversion van on the street, and I said, those were so cool, man. I wonder what ever happened to them. And he just goes, branding issue. I said, what? And he goes, a couple guys raped a couple kids in a van,

and now no one can drive a van around. He looked like a rapist. Smart. And he goes, same thing happened on Rollerblades. We had one fun summer with them, and then a couple gay guys wear them, and now you can't wear Rollerblades. And you're like, I'm sitting there going, I'm still working on vans. Rollerblades got a bad rap, man.

They got a really bad rap. I tried to bring it back. I tried to bring it back. Well, because I started rap I tried to bring it back I tried to bring it back Well, because I started I tried to bring it back In a bad location I tried to bring it back In New York City And I was wearing headphones

And I wasn't a great skater I almost died Every single night And I was like This isn't worth it For a couple of funny tweets Bro I was

I'm really into roller skating, right? Like I was Growing up I was really into roller skating Four wheelers Oh yeah I grew up in Florida Yeah, it's classy in Florida.

And so we do this show. It was called Wings of Glory. It's for Red Bull. They paid a ton of money, and all I had to do was five episodes. I had to host five episodes, and then I had to jump off an aircraft carrier on a plane. Sure. What? I know.

Okie dokie. You said that very casually. If the check clears, fuck it. I almost died. I almost fucking died. I'll tell you that story in a second. This was very simple. They go to the sketches, and it was all sketchy, like sketch stuff.

Yeah. They're like, the sketches, we need you. The guy's going to have a pencil in his ear, and he's going to be doing something. We need you to come up to him and go, hey, safety first. Jesus Christ, how many times am I going to say this? Safety first. And then we're going to go wide and we want you to roller skate backwards with a chainsaw. And I went, okay.

And they're like, can you roller skate? I go, actually, I'm a great roller skater. And they go, well, we're going to put the post, the sound of the chainsaw on in post so you don't need to have it on. I go, turn it on. Let's make it authentic. And they're like, well, we don't need it on. I go, turn it on, trust me. And they're like, we don't need it on

and I think it's a safety issue. I go, fine, but we'll do this one and then turn it on for the next one. And they're like, okay. So I go up, I skate up quick, I stop. I go, hey, his name is Dom. I go, Dom, safety first. I've been telling you that the whole time. Safety first. And I start to roller skate backwards, and I slip, and I throw the chainsaw up in the air.

It's off, and it lands directly on my leg. I would have cut my fucking leg off. I would have cut my fucking leg off. Half glass full. Would have been a big moment. Would have gone viral. Would have gone viral. And then we go to do – this is the crazy part of the story,

we go to do the Flutog event in Camden, New Jersey, and they, and there's a hurricane coming up the coast, and so there's like a million people, I say a million, it can't be a million, maybe like 200,000 people on the shore of Camden waiting to see this Flutog, where everyone

flies their own homemade planes off an aircraft carrier, and everyone's sitting there, everyoneden waiting to see this flutog where everyone flies their own homemade planes off an aircraft carrier. Everyone's sitting there. Everyone's waiting. This hurricane comes up and they deem it unsafe. They're like, the winds are too bad. It's too unpredictable. The currents are going... It's always unsafe. We're jumping off of a fucking gigantic platform. It's so windy that people's things go.

They did one test one and it just flew off into the crowd. They go, we're going to call it. I'm up there going, great. I just got paid buku bucks for a thing I don't have to do. I don't have to jump off a thing. I'm like, this is perfect. Chief of police for Camden comes up, just like this short, stalky, red, Irish dude.

And he goes, OK, who's in charge of this fucking thing? And the Red Bull people are like, we are. And he goes, OK, who's going first? And they're like, no one. He goes goes the fuck you aren't start sending people off this goddamn aircraft carrier and he goes what he goes i got 200 000 people out there don't want to see people come off this aircraft carrier and if and if this thing's canceled there's gonna be a fucking riot and that's not gonna be on mine that's gonna be on yours so start sending motherfuckers off and they're like well we can't make people do it. And he goes, are you paying anybody? And everyone looks at me, and I'm like, oh, wow.

And he's like, all right, you're up, numbnuts, go. And so sure enough, I went off this thing and almost fucking died. It almost decapitated me. I landed on my ribs. I cracked my ribs. I was shitting blood. I came home. I was shitting blood.

I woke up, and there was blood all in my bed. And I was like, this can't be good. I think I'll just have a whiskey. I got home. This is when it got bad i got home i get home and i'm sitting on our couch and i have not told my wife that i'm hurt and i get up and there's blood on the couch and she's like what the fuck is this i'm like if that's how you talk to our daughters when they get their periods i think we need to go dude you just sat on the couch and i didn't even bought out it was just blood

it wasn't shitty it was just coming. It was just pouring out of my asshole. Dude, you did it off... I've done flutog before, but we didn't do it off an aircraft carrier. We did it off like a 20-foot thing. Wait, where did you do it? We did it in Boston. We did it like...

We built it. We had someone build it for us. It was like a part... It was like probably like five years ago, six years ago, something like that. Yeah, you got into something like a pirate ship. Yeah, it was just like pirates. The one thing they told us was they're like,

absolutely, because we had to... one person rode the flutog and everyone else pushed it yeah and i was a pusher and they're like do not stop i mean do not jump when you get to the edge you stop running and you walk back yeah we were like fuck that and so we went right off with it and it's actually ended up being a great picture where i look like i look like i'm flying further than the flutog. Really? But we were not off aircraft carrier height. We were. Oh, oh, oh. I mean, if you pull it up, you can pull it up.

Type in wings of glory, and you'll see me going off this fucking thing. This was a much smaller event. This was a fucking aircraft carrier. And we almost got swept underneath it because of the currents. And they came in. That's only half the jump. Oh, yeah. All of a sudden, I'm swimming.

And I'm like, I think I'm going under this fucking aircraft carrier And they come in a jet ski They grab me and they're like hold on Hold the fuck on I don't think they even told anybody it was happening When we did it There were just some confused people on the beach There were not 200,000 people

It was a massive massive massive one I am so happy that you're doing Two bears one cave and normal shit now because i feel like i i think you did an episode of rogan or something right where they were or you said that rogan told you to stop doing like the travel rogan and burt rogan just do fucking comedy man stop doing this crazy shit you're gonna kill yourself rogan and burr were very instrumental in in giving me the confidence to and and you know it's also like i wasn't not that i was out of comedy but I was not there the way I am now.

I wasn't doing dates regularly. I was kind of just phoning it in. And like getting paid to do a weekend, I'd just go do the weekend and I didn't really – and then I'd do two weeks on Travel Channel and then go get a weekend or maybe do a weekend or then two weeks on Travel Channel. And Travel Channel was like crazy shit, right? It was crazy shit. It was like a monkey. Oh, yeah. I fell off a waterfall and I landed on my back.

I thought I broke my back. And I had to crawl, like a marine crawl, out of a cavern, like a big 220 feet deep. I had to crawl out of it on my hands and knees. And then I got met at the trailhead by a- Like, how much could they have been paying? It was a lot. Yeah, but I mean, that's, you know- It was a lot. For broken backs and shit. I like how it was Rogan and paying uh it was a lot yeah but i mean that's you know it was it was a lot of broken backs i like how it was rogan and burr who got you out

not your family really i can't i got kids i can't die it was a three it was a three-parter here's what happened wrong attack so it's it's everything started falling apart and um and like four years ago everything started falling apart like like i did ended up doing another season of this birth conqueror show and it was just terrifying it was like I did ended up doing another season of this birth conqueror show. And it was just terrifying. It was like, I did not like it. It was just, I was, I was drinking like crazy. Just get through the anxiety of doing it.

Cause I didn't like, I got to a place where I couldn't ride a roller coaster. Cause I'd have panic attacks. Cause I got stuck in them a couple of times. And I was like, I was like losing my mind. Getting stuck in a roller coaster a couple of times. It's such a Florida kid thing. Stop getting on the fucking coasters, Bert.

Dude, I got stuck on a roller coaster one time. This is a roller coaster in California. I had a vest on, right? Like a vest that had a camera attached to it and a mic attached to it, so it was super tight. This is a roller coaster that you sit in like this and then the floor drops out and then they pull you up so it looks like you're flying right yeah so we pull into the station and it stops outside the station and we're waiting for a while i'm like this seems

like a fucking long time to be waiting and so then they're like and then you start panicking a little bit you're like i'm fine i'm fine we'll be getting out in a second i'm not gonna think about this then we pull into the thing and the floor doesn't go up and the floor doesn't go up and the floor doesn't go up and then one side goes up and up, and the floor doesn't go up, and then one side goes up, and then it goes down, and then one side goes up, and then it goes down. And then both of them come up. I'm like, this is fine. We're going to be out. And we hear the lady who's head of the park go, guys, it's going to be a little bit.

We're going to have to bring a mechanic out to get you out of the coaster. There's a malfunction. And now I'm the star of the show, and everyone is around. We have the park is ours, right? So I go, hey, can I talk to you for a second? She goes, yeah. I go, can you just get me out real quick? And she goes, no, it doesn't work that way.

We just called the head mechanic. He's on his way. Now, I'm very familiar with the park. I go, where's he at, and what ride's he at right now? She goes, he's actually at his house. And I went, his house? She goes, he's actually at his house. And I went, his house? She goes, yeah. I said, where does he live?

She goes, he lives out in the Inland Empire. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, okay, it's fucking 4 o'clock. This guy's going to be in traffic. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I go, how far are we waiting? And she goes, it's going to be like 45 minutes, guys. I was stuck in this ride for 45 minutes.

And you want to talk about panic attacks. Like legit panic attacks. I made that woman come and sit on the crisscross applesauce and hold my hand and talk me down. Absolutely. And it was insane. So that was what was going on when I was doing Burt the Conqueror. So I go. I come off stage one night, and Burr and Rogan are sitting in the green room and they're and they're talking and I

may I must have made a statement or something about about television I don't know about being on television or television being important and and Burr just goes dude you gotta quit your travel channel show and I was like what and he's like we were just talking about it it sucks and Rogan's like yeah you're it's horrible bro and I was like what they're like you're doing all this dangerous shit and you don't need to. And Bird just goes, what's your nut? I go, what? He goes, what's your nut?

What do you got to make a year? Tell me what you got to make a year. We'll figure it out. Like a team. I got these two guys on my team. It's a good fucking team. It's a great team. And by the way, you take advice from this team.

And I tell them my nut, and they do the math. And they're like, yeah, we'll get you advertising. We'll get you sponsors for your podcast. Just focus on your podcast. Do me a favor. And then Segura gets involved, and Segura's like, all right. At the time, I mean, I would give you real numbers, but at the time, monetization was like 50,000 downloads, and I wasn't at 50,000 downloads yet. And they're like, get yourself.

All of them are like, we'll do your podcast. We'll all be on your podcast as much as you can to get your numbers up, and we'll get your numbers up. So they all kind of focused. Everyone either brought me a guest or got me good guests, and they were like, focus on your podcast as much as you can to get your numbers up and we'll get your numbers up so they all kind of focused everyone either brought me a guest or got me good guests and they started and they were like focus on your podcast so i started doing that at the same time i go down to tampa and with my dad and i have i'm about to sign a travel channel deal i don't know what i'm gonna do yet my dad goes so what's the deal buddy my dad's whole model his whole life has been eat shit cash checks that's is instilled in me buddy you're not good at a lot of things you're for

whatever reason you're good at telling jokes just eat shit cash checks that's is instilled in me buddy you're not good at a lot of things you're for whatever reason you're good at telling jokes just eat shit cash checks whatever they say eat shit cash checks so i tell my dad we're having a glass of wine and a cigar and uh we're outside and he goes so what's the plan and i said well you know eat shit cash checks dad and he goes what i go eat shit cash checks i go hope travel channel gives me another deal and then i can you know another four years and then you know know, each shit cash checks. And my dad starts crying and he goes, oh buddy, I fucked you up. He was like, no. He goes, if you don't take a chance now, if you don't take a shot now at your career, at like doing standup, he goes, you're going to waste it.

You're going to waste it. You're going to be 55 years old and working for Travel Channel and that will be your only option. You need to create your own path. And so now I got these three men in my life all telling me this and I go and I talked to my therapist and I go, I'm meeting with travel channel. What do I say? And he goes, what do you want to do? Do you want to just sign another contract? And I'm now I've got the confidence of these guys by me. I go, no, I don't. And he goes, what do you want to do? I said, I want to do my own thing. He goes, would tell her what you want

to do. I said, I want to shoot a special. I want to tour. I want to make time for touring. And I'll do something, but it's on my terms. And he goes, tell her that. So I walked in, sat down, told her that. She said, you're fired. All right, good. Fuck it then. It was the greatest thing ever.

I always say this. I believe in luck a lot. But anyone who's listening this is like it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen for me dude it's i really didn't i mean even then i shot a showtime special no one fucking watched it because i took my fucking shirt off and everyone's like hard pass but then the machine story goes viral and you're like shut the fuck up and then it changes your life and so i always just believe in luck. I remember Dane Cook one time was like – I went to his house and he was like, this business sucks.

This business sucks. I mean I work my ass off and I can't get anywhere. I can't get anywhere. And then I was like, well, whatever. So I leave. I come back the next day and he goes, I just booked a movie in China. He's like, that's what I love about this business. It's like a lottery ticket every day.

But yeah, I mean podcasting for me, this is what I was meant to do. I have more fun doing this. I have more fun. I almost say I have more fun doing podcasts than I do doing stand-up at times. The only problem is stand-up provides you an opportunity to work on a story and make it good. There's no better feeling. There's no better feeling in the world than getting a bit,

getting it up and running, half figuring it out, then taking it on the next night and figuring it out to, oh, I think I got it, and then bringing it up the third night and going, that's the fucking bit. Oh, dude.

Yeah. On this special I have right now, I have a story about going to a Starbucks. This fucking bit, I've never been more excited about a bit in my entire life. Oh, it's so much fun. And then sometimes you'll write a joke and you'll go, where the fuck did that come from? Like I had a joke.

I have a joke on this special that they were doing a promo at where my wife was sick and I wanted to have sex. And she goes, I don't want to get you sick. I was like, we'll practice safe sex. And she was like, you're going to wear a condom? I was like, no, doggy style. So you cough into the wall. I literally was like, where the fuck did that i was like and you're like finding a hundred dollars yeah yeah oh i mean there's one thing getting a bit and then another thing how to become the promo that's like fucking oh yeah and then and then your wife telling you

it's misogynistic i mean you you either are in the doghouse constantly at home or you got the coolest wife ever. I got the coolest wife ever. Is that what it is? I have the hardcore coolest wife ever. I mean, every episode of Two Bears, One Cave is who you're going to fuck once she's dead. Oh, yeah. Oh, I think we... Episode in, episode out.

I don't know which episode is on right now, but we went pretty aggressively. Well, if it's any more... I'm thinking it's probably the Lakers and Clippers running a train on your wives if you guys died. Does it get worse than that? It doesn't get worse than that. You mentioned, you just off the cuff on that episode go, oh yeah, like the Wu-Tang Clan story. And then nothing comes up after that. So I don't know what the Wu-Tang Clan story is.

I'm not going to ruin it. It's on Tom's special. Tom told it to me and Burr. Burr was appalled. And Tom's sense of humor is very dark. Like, what makes him laugh doesn't make everyone laugh. Even when you guys were doing that video war, and he was just like, yeah, so then we decided to just, like, stab you to death.

I don't know why, but yeah, we just did that. Sometimes I'm like, I look at him and I go, I don't know what's funny about that. He's like, you know? I mean, why wouldn't I stab you, right? I'm like, well, because we're friends. And he's like, I know. That's what makes it great yeah honestly though that is i get that that's funny yes exactly and i don't know how many podcast duos are really friends yeah like me and him are like you know best friends for life now and i feel like you and sagura are kind of the same way

you can really tell the difference between like all right these guys get along professionally where they have history together versus like their friends they they you know that's the kind of shit you do with your friends like i'll stab you to that so you're probably my best friend and i was saying i've been saying a little bit on stage but like you get liberties with your friends like with your close friends where you can do say fucked up stuff and they don't call you on it but if it happens with your wife she's like what the fuck like and you're like that's the difference between friends and wives don't say with your friends if you don't do the fuck with your friends like what's wrong with you you're not fucked up like you want to like like you want to be like regular friends i'm gonna stab you you want to be weird

with friends like yeah dude i love you yeah i looked you right in the eye while i said that don't ever do that again man don't ever do that again, man. Don't ever do that again. There should be an app to make friends because it's more comfortable to meet a person and put your dick inside them than it is to become friends with someone. Well, you know what it is? There's a natural thing to do with a guy or a girl. It's like, all right, we drank, we talked,

now we're going to have sex. With a friend, it's like, well, what, do we just keep talking? There's no end to this. there's no closure right it's like as being sex like there's nothing to fucking cap this off it's like it's going forever it's it's like it's like uh lord of the rings the movies just blend into one so wait you're telling me there's no end to this it's just i gotta watch the next story it's just a drink album it's just a Drake album. It's just the same thing over and over forever. It's so funny because I was saying, so like Elliot Gould and I worked on a sitcom together. And I had the greatest time with this guy.

I mean, the greatest time with this guy. We went to a table read and someone had told me he had been married to Barbra Streisand. I didn't know that. And so I'm like bubbling. I'm like, shut the fuck up. There's a table read. Like everyone's in the room. And we sit down, and I go, Elliot, you were married to Barbra Streisand?

And he goes, yes, I was. And I said, wow, how crazy was that? He goes, interesting. I said, no, but like Barbra Streisand. I mean, what's she like? He goes, she's a cunt can we start now so so then so then cut to cut to so like immediately me and him have hit it off right i then find juicy fruit and i'm like and i'm sitting in the thing i'm sitting in my chair and he comes over and he goes, what are you doing? And I said, juicy fruit. What is the flavor? And he goes, excuse me?

I said, here, take a piece. And I go, try to describe the flavors. And he goes, I don't know. This is fascinating. What is this flavor? I've had this my whole life, and I don't know what flavor it is. What flavor is this? I wouldn't mind a soda that tasted like this.

And I said, yeah, what flavor is it? And he goes, I don't know. I guess we'll never know, huh? This is like before people were Googling and stuff. So I look on the thing, and I call the company. And I go, hey, what flavor is Juicy Fruit? And they're like, banana, pineapple, apple, lemon, orange. It's the spectrum of the, it's all fruits, really.

But we leave out dot, dot, dot. So I tell Elliot, and he goes, how did you come about that information? And I was like, well, I just called them. And he was like, it's a novel approach. So then cut to we're becoming friends, right? We're becoming friends. The very last day, we shoot the pilot, and they're doing pickups because we didn't get the pilot that they wanted. And so now it's 2 in the morning, okay?

They've let the audience go. It's just executives, the cast, the cameramen, they're going over budget. Elliot's playing a blind guy. I'm playing the best friends the cameramen, they're going over budget. Elliot's playing a blind guy. I'm playing the best friends of this guy, David Jay. The scene we're doing is David Jay's wife walks in and goes, can I have a beer? It's before their wedding.

Can I have a beer? And I'm supposed to go, sure, toots. Right? That's the line. I don't know why. And it wasn't working. And they couldn't figure out why. And so we did it like 12 times. Elliot's blind in this.

He's got a dog with him. and he's an out-breaking character. He's like this. So they walk away, and Elliot Gould leans into my ear, and he goes, try to improv the next one. You can give them something they don't know is coming. And I went, okay. So she walks in. She goes, can I have a beer?

And I go, is a duck's ass watertight? I go, come on, have a beer with us. And it gets a huge fucking laugh, right? Everyone's laughing. Ellie puts his hand on my shoulder. He goes, great job, great job. The director comes up, showrunner director comes up, smiling, says, I loved it.

I loved it, guys. I loved it. We're going to do one more. We're going to do just one more. And Bert, he gets real close. He goes, how about not fucking me in the fucking ass right now, okay? Because you fucked me in front of all these fucking executives. And I swear to God, I will Because you fucked me in front of all these fucking executives, and I swear to God I will

kick you out of this business myself. Gets up, walks away, and Elliot goes, my bad. So then he leaves me his number on the inside of a pack of juicy fruit. Which automatically I'm like,

it's trying a little hard. Like, I get it. I get it. He leaves me his number. Elliot, call me. And I'm like, okay, it's trying a little hard. Like, like I get it. Would you, I get it. He leaves me, Elliot, call me. And I'm like, I'm definitely not calling him.

Like this is, I'm not going to be, obviously I go, he just wants to have sex with me. Who doesn't like, Elliot wants to fuck me. Yeah. Elliot wants to fuck me.

So I don't call him. Right. So a week later I get a phone call. I answer it. And he goes, Bert. And I said, yeah,

and he goes, Elliot. And I said, how did you get my number? And he goes, I called around. I've got it. Listen, me and you need to go to dinner and i'm like okay now he definitely wants to fuck me right this guy really wants some bird ass and i'm like push i'm

like i'm good i'm i'm going out of town i'll give you a call when i get back and he goes okay and he calls me when he gets back and i'm like and he's and i'm he's like bird and he go yeah and he goes it's elliot he goes interesting thing i've had my daughter a pair the other my granddaughter a pair the other day watching a pair and he's just monologuing to me i'm like all right i'm never going to fucking dinner with this guy it's going to end horribly finally he says i feel like you're blowing me off please have dinner with me and i went okay fuck it i'll go to a public place get in and out of there we sit down we sit down for dinner and we have dinner and then we get done and he just it's like all right

i'll see you later and i was like in my head i'm like you're not gonna try to kiss me like you're not gonna try to fuck me yeah now i'm like come on bro like i'm leaning in like i fucking blew it son of a bitch i didn't eat garlic because of this come on and then he and then i never saw him again no way oh you really did blow it yeah he just he didn't want to be my friend he's like something's weird about this guy. He's like, I think he wants to fuck me. By the way, I guarantee you I still have Elliot Gould's number.

You don't lose numbers like Elliot Gould. Let's see. What are the odds I have Elliot Gould's number? Yo, it's wild too, though, as you look this up. Your crew of friends also now happens to be – you got it? There it is.

Let me take that down. But I mean your crew now either professionally or true friendship-wise is like the fucking best in the business, man. I talk about it like ad nauseum out here. The crew in LA is just awesome. All the podcasters, all the comedians, the network that you guys have, and the way you all blow each other up is fucking awesome. That was dictated by Rogan. You gotta acknowledge

Rogan was very like, you couldn't you can't really talk shit about comics to Rogan. You can't trash them. If you say he's very protective of us all being on the same team. Like he keeps saying there's no competition.

They can listen to my podcast and they can listen to your podcast. That's – like out here, it's cutthroat. Everyone's got their stage time and everyone's got their podcast. And there's like three different scenes here. There's like the Brooklyn alt scene. There's the stand and then there's the cellar. And then there's different scenes. In LA, it's one scene and it's the, there's the stand and then there's the cellar. And then there's like, and then there's different scenes in LA. It's one scene and it's the store and it's,

everyone's invited and it's, there's no, there's no nepotism. Was it that way? Uh, like did Joe, no, no,

no, no. Like Joe, like, like made a concerted effort to like change the vibe. I don't think, I don't think Joe would never take credit for any of this personally. I mean,

I think we can see it from the outside looking in, but you know, he got kicked out of the comedy store after the Carlos Mencia stuff. Joe would never take credit for any of this, personally. I mean, I think we can see it from the outside looking in. But, you know, he got kicked out of the comedy store after the Carlos Mencia stuff. And he kind of, and I think out of necessity, he found other places to work and found that there were really great comics at the improv and there were really great comics at the Ice House and that there were really great comics on the road. And I think his, I'm guessing guessing his eyes were a tad bit opened and that's when he met guys like myself and Segura started going on the road with him and he didn't and then when he came back to the

store I think there was a negative energy of real competitiveness of like people bumping each other and doing more time or getting to do 30 minutes in the OR instead of 50 minutes which was such a bullshit move and I think Rogan came back and was like and there was a new book getting to do 30 minutes in the OR instead of 50 minutes, which was such a bullshit move. And I think Rogan came back and was like, and there was a new book or two at the time,

and he was like, none of that, I don't know if Rogan said it personally or if he just, everyone just was like, well, fuck, if Joe's not asking to do that, then no one gets to do it. And Joe wasn't bumping people. Joe wasn't saying, I want more time. Joe was like, Joe, I mean, I talk ad nauseum about what a great guy he is, but he legit does shows at the improv end, and it's Rogan and Friends. And he goes out of his way to find young comics that aren't getting spots and puts them on the show as opposed to myself.

Like, if he's in a spot and he can't get someone to come on, he'll text me and be like, yo, I gotta open a spot. And I'll be like, oh, a heartbeat. But for the most part, it's like maybe Santino, like younger comics that he goes out of his way. I think, you know, he was the first one to say like this podcasting thing, like we can all benefit from this. Like you being on my podcast helps my podcast and me being on yours helps your podcast. Like we should all be benefiting from this.

And it was, I mean, and he's such a generous fucking guy. Like, it is overwhelming. You go to his podcast, and it's almost like being on The Price is Right. You just go through, and you're like, hey, can I get some of these? Can I get some of that? Can I get some elk meat? I'll take an elk meat. I'll take some vitamins.

Hey, what T-shirts you got? You got any new sweatshirts? I'll take a coffee mug. Oh, cool. Like, he's just very, like, very giving in that-shirts you got? You got any new sweatshirts? I'll take a coffee mug. Oh, cool. Like he's just very like, like very giving in that sense. You know, if like if he'll, it's, it's really hard to explain, but like, like I remember one time he called up and he was like, Hey man, I got a buddy who wants to give you a grill.

And I was like, okay. And he's like, God, cool. Is it cool if I give him your number? I was like, yeah. And the next thing you know, this fucking top-end smoker is delivered to my house. And you know that Rogan just kind of – I remember one time I was buying a new grill, and Rogan's like, I got you, I got you, I got you. I got a buddy at Traeger.

I'll get you a grill. And I was like, no, no, no. No, that's not why I brought this up. I can afford a grill. Yeah, I'm going to afford a grill. But he's just very, very, very, very generous and very selfless. Yeah. Like he – I think he feels like he wants to get – he wants to elevate everyone.

And the more you elevate everyone, the more you elevate each other. Yeah, the water raises. And he's also – I mean not to point out the other side, but he's also very disciplined and strict about comedy and how he believes comedy should be done. He thinks people should be busting their fucking ass and getting out there every night. So you mentioned luck. Would you attribute you, like, Rogan being drawn to you as, like, you got lucky and he likes you? Or you think that you stand out because

you're good and that's why he puts you on and that's why he helps you out? He would say the latter. I would say the first. He would say, oh no, you're just fucking hilarious, that's why I like you. I would say, no, no, no, I got lucky. But he doesn't do a, you know, there is a crew of people that, you know, i feel like he has his standards right well there's certain i think i think there's certain types of comedy that maybe he doesn't love yeah i know that anything that's derivative anything that's unoriginal anything that's like so like you kind

of earned it well i think i think i think a i'm a talented comedian who loves comedy i think you also have to have a fucking obsession and passion for comedy the way he does. But, you know, I have to say I was very lucky that I met him at a time when that podcast wasn't what it is today. And he was putting us on, you know, I want to say like

four or five times a year, six times a year, maybe ten times a year. And you were just going on a lot. And you were just hanging out a lot. And you were able to fuck around and literally become friends and say horrific things that you didn't think anyone was going to hear and confide in each other. And so it was a very, very lucky time to have met Joey, who also wasn't at the comedy store.

So he was putting on shows at the Ice House, and he was always looking to get guys to come out there. And we were doing the Ice House Chronicles 2 at the time. So every Friday night, if you weren't on the road, you were out there, and it was you, Joey Diaz, Steve Bernicezzi, Ari, Tom, Joe. I mean, it was like a murderer's row. Yeah. Burr, Dane. Like, everyone would just show up out there, and we'd do a podcast and get high and drink and then take turns going on stage.

It really is like a special time in comedy, and I, and I feel very blessed to be a, have been a part of it because I was also doing spots with these, the best in the business. So my writing was, I was holding my writing to a higher standard. And I think this special is indicative of that. My last special secret time is what I could do in standup. That is what I did.

It's my sweet spot. This special is hanging out with dudes that have each done four or five specials and picking their brains about the way they approach their next special. Like Burr, he's like if you're not challenging yourself, you're not giving your fans anything. Like if you're

just going up and going, hey, my name's Bill Burr. I don't like white women. If I just do the same, same, same just different punchlines, I'm not doing anything for this business. And so for me, when I did this special, I was like, all right, you know I'm going to write stories about my wife, sex, my kids being stupid. Like you know that that's my sweet spot. My bread and butter is me and my family.

Everyone's – that's in there. It's definitely in there. But I was like I got to challenge myself to write out of my comfort zone and see if I can do that. And one of the things I wanted to do was talk about something, you know, like a hot-button topic issue like gun control, but do it in my way, like show a way that I do something like that. And so, like, I think I, without a doubt, I achieved it. And I also didn't want, I don't like alienating people.

I don't like people coming to a show and going like, going like, dude, I was with you up until you talked about guns, and I got to tell you, man, you're off on that. Because you know me, I'll flip-flop on anything. And so for me, I was like, I want to tell a story where it shows that I love guns, but I should not have one. And so, yeah, it's been really cool. And I think even I get caught off guard.

By the way, I'm a fan of everything first. Yeah. So I get caught off guard sometimes when you do like this. Well, I think this will already have happened. But on my special, when my special drops on St. Paddy's Day, we're doing a call and stick to work show. I used to do these call and stick to work shows where I'd go to the club at like 10 a.m., doors would open at 10 a.m., and we'd do a show in the morning and do day drinking. And it's fucking outrageous. It is so much fun.

So I just sent a text to my friends going, hey, man, I'd love to have you on the show. And immediately it's like, D'Elia, Jim Jeffries, Bill Burr, Tom Segura, Sebastian Maniscalco. Like everyone's like, love to, man, love to. You know, Spade hits me up, hey, man, I heard you're doing a show. And you're like, dude, this is – I mean, I got a text from Norm MacDonald. He was like, hey, man, I heard you're doing this show. I'd love to come down. I don't know what my schedule is like that day.

I think it would be fun to have a beer with you. And you're like – I'm sitting there going, this is one of my comedy heroes. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Norm MacDonald, having a beer with Norm MacDonald is, he doesn't even drink, I don't think, but like,

he will smoke weed every now and then. Man, that guy is fucking hilarious. Of course. And like, and you're just, and it's Norm MacDonald.

Like, dude, he tells some of my favorite jokes ever, ever, ever, ever. And now he's calling you up.

Yeah, part of the, part of one of the jokes I have in my special is based off of loving Norm so much, I wanted a guy walks into a bar joke i talked to stanhope stanhope's like we got to be as good as the guys that wrote knock knock jokes why can't we write a knock knock joke so me and stanhope are banging around knock knock jokes and then i go norm has the best uh you know i got a new neighbor the other day like those jokes are

fucking that are old school those are the fucking best and so i was like dude i gotta get one of those then luckily i walk into a starbucks something happens i walk out walk in the next day same thing happens i walk out and i go but it's how i do it i'm like oh my god this is like the greatest joke ever so yeah i'm fucking yeah i mean you come a long way right i mean you from from where you started and doing like you know breaking your back and like silly shit like that to now i'm so i mean you started a lot longer than that what would you say the luckiest thing that ever happened to you is oh okay oh let's i don't let's this is a good question i would probably start off with

the most important thing well being born white naturally white. Naturally. We know that. A lot of my luck, my wife just attributes to white privilege. She's like, honey, it's not luck. It's very easy for white men

in this world. No, my luckiest thing ever happened, without a doubt, is the Rolling Stone article. Right. Rolling Stone being written about me

because I had no plans. I would take that a step further. I think the luckiest thing about you possible that's ever happened in your life is your ability to drink. True. Then it gave you

the ability. I didn't start drinking until I went to Russia. Oh, really? I never drank. I just wasn't like... Wait, so in college all that wasn't drinking? That's like Jordan being like, I didn't pick up a basketball until I was 18. He didn't. He didn't. He was a little late.

Yeah. And so when I went to Russia, all my friends were real big drinkers. And I'd smoke weed and I'd have a beer here and there. But I wasn't like really like – I didn't lean on it at all. It wasn't part of my personality. And then I went to – You were able to be social without it? That must be nice.

Yeah. Show off. In all honesty, I wasn't that social. I would You were able to be social without it? That must be nice. Yeah. Shut up. In all honesty, I wasn't that social. I would just hang out. I had a girlfriend. I'd just hang out. I'd go to parties. I'd be crazy.

I'd be the guy that got naked and ran around and fucking did the slip and slide. But I didn't need to be drunk to do it. I still don't need to be drunk to do it. And so then I went to Russia, and I sat with those mobsters the first night. I was drinking, and we were drinking drinking and I felt like I was really murdering. And I was like, wow, drinking is like a really easy way to connect with people you don't know. And I was like, wow. And then I get it. And then I found like I drank all through Russia and had a great time. And then we went to Europe. We backpacked through europe and i found that with a couple

of beers everything turned into a i loved the feeling of like i love the feeling of the last person that didn't want to drink going ah fuck it i love i love that feeling and when you could get everyone to give up so accurate when you can get everyone to give up what their plans were and rewrite their future just based on, come on. One beer, one beer. Have one beer. Don't go to that museum. Let's sit down here. Let's have one beer.

And then you get that one person that goes, fine, fuck it. Because it's not just a beer. You're signing a social contract. It's like, yo, whatever happens, it happens. Every time where you're just like, look, I'm giving up what I had planned for the day. We're going to see what happens this beer i trust you next one i i had a moment when i was in i was in austria my friends were coming on a train late they had gone to like venice to go look at museums and i just went straight to austria and i got there and i was at the bar and i was getting beers

and he he's like last call i go hold on my are on a train and they're coming here and I've promised them that we're going to have a beer together. And he was like, well, unless you can entertain me. I said, hold on. Is that a deal? And he goes, yeah. I said, put on music. I'm going to dance on the bar and I promise you I'll keep you entertained. And I did this striptease on the bar that must have lasted 50.

I mean, the place was all around me. They're howling. And I remember this strip tease on the bar that must have lasted – I mean the place was all around me. They're howling. I remember this so vividly. I remember my friends walked in the bar. They see me half naked on the bar and I go, they're here. And the place went, yeah! And our friends were like, what the fuck did you do? I get chill when I'm thinking about it.

I get stuff like moments like that where you can get people to bend the rules. And I, it was all, everything was surrounded around alcohol. And then I think there's definitely been times where I was like, where I was like, you know, maybe it was too much booze involved. And like those times you're like, oh Jesus, man, I got to turn things around. But, and then when Rolling Stone wrote the article about me, I wasn't even, like, I was a big drinker and all. I partied a lot.

But it was more about being the life of the party. About, like, I remember I'd climb up the telephone poles just outside the bars on Tennessee Street. And it would be packed. There would be, like, a thousand kids just standing there. It's college. It's, like, the height, right? I'd climb up to the top of the telephone pole. The cops were on horseback, like, all around there. And I'd yell,

I have marijuana at my house. If you know my address, I will see you there. If you don't ask someone that does, no one tell the cops. And the cops would be like, hold on! Hold on! I mean, there was so much shit like that where I just

I loved. I also love a little chaos. And so I don't know. But luckiest easily was get a phone call and I'm taking a bong hit. I'm getting ready to play disc golf. My buddy Blair hands me the phone and he goes, hey, it's Rolling Stone for you. And I went – I was in the middle of a bong hit. I was like, hello?

And he says, my name is Eric Hedegaard. I work for Rolling Stone Magazine. I want to write an article about Florida State University. And I've called around, and they said that you're the guy to hang out with. And I was wondering if I could come in a week in November and spend a week with you and just kind of tail you around the school. Would you be interested? And I was like, yeah. He was like, I'm sorry.

Were you just doing a bong head? And I said, yeah. And he goes, I think I found the right guy. You passed the test yeah and then and then i like i said i was a big drinker but i wasn't like crazy i think i've always been a little less than people think and then more at times but like last night more but but like he came and he spent the week with me and he was like he was like so what do we do and you're just like i guess we go drink and he was like, so what do we do? And you were just like, I guess we go drink. And he was like, okay, let's go. And he had the Rolling Stones credit card. I say he's an old man.

He was probably like 30. Now I look back, I'm like, he was an old man. We got him high for the first time in a while. He was like, oh, you can't tell my wife about this. And then we went. I got her number. I was just about to call her. It was great.

It was like we had a Rolling Stones credit card. So I just called the fraternity house and go, hey, if the pledge answered, I'd go, hey, tell everyone we're going to Potbelly's. Rolling Stones paying. And they'd be like, guys, Rolling Stones paying. And everyone would show up. We'd party. We'd go home. We'd throw epic parties that week.

And he left with such an impression of me of like, holy fuck, that they changed the article and just made the article about me not florida state and when i opened that article i was floored i was like i remember i cried i'm reading it because i was like oh my god this is it was like someone wrote something cool about you yeah i mean that's like that's something where it's like i feel like a lot of comics and a lot of people like us are kind of like self-deprecating always like making fun of ourselves but you read that and you're almost like, oh, I'm awesome. Like this is like proof positive. I'm a fucking awesome time.

It took Bert Kreischer six and a half years to become the man he is today, which is the number one party animal at the number one party school in the nation. And I was like, holy shit. I remember closing the article. I'm going, all right, there's probably going to be some bad stuff in here. And I open, I go, no, there's not. And I just sobbed crying. I was like, that's the luckiest thing.

I mean, there's so many things of luck that come through where you're like, I'll tell you another very, very lucky thing is do my Showtime special. This machine story I tell on the Showtime special. No one watches the Showtime special. I don't think anyone understood the way you'd structure a special before special. No one watches the Showtime special. I don't think anyone understood the way you'd structure a special before then. No one watches the Showtime special. I then misread my contract, and it says you can post four clips. I don't see that it says four clips under two minutes each.

I post four clips, one of which is the machine story, and I post it on December 27th. Random as fuck, the moment I post it, woman in Minnesota is getting a brand new iPad out and uploading Facebook and sees the thing. She goes, oh, I know the story, and comments. Right when I post it, she comments, one of the first comments on there, and she writes, I was in Bert's Russian class. I was on this trip.

This story is 100% true. He fucking robbed us. And then she tags everyone in my class. Now, look, had that not happened, I'm not sure that story would have gone viral. I didn't know that. Because that comment was left, people started, people like content providers started ripping it, putting it on their page, and then

putting in the big bold letters, this story is 100% true. And they'd screen grab her caption. And I was like, holy shit. By the way, she had done that before, and no one had seen it. She had done it before on another time it was posted, and no one had seen it.

She did it again. Lucky as shit. And then it goes fucking viral. I mean, come on. That is so... And who knows if that doesn't happen. Actually, if that doesn't happen, you're him. We were talking about this the other day.

I knew I was not the successful part. I did seven years in college, F happen, you're him. We were talking about this the other day. I'm you, I'm just not the successful part. I did seven years in college, FSU, didn't graduate. I didn't graduate. You finished, right? I had to take prison classes. What the fuck that means? They'd send you a box. It was a Florida State.

I didn't do them all at FSU. I just did two at FSU. I did everything else up and down the Eastern Seaboard. If you had a viral story, who knows? Instead, you're just fucking sitting here with me like a dick well i think i think well here's we'll talk more luck about that that story i had i just didn't tell on stage because i was like it's not a stage story and rogan was like no it's a stage story i go no it's not he was like and you know his podcast is blowing up the rules are changing too it's like it may not have been a

story you would tell at a stand-up act but now it is yeah and he goes he goes all right where are you this weekend i said columbus ohio he goes everyone show up see the machine in columbus and chant the machine until he tells the story do not let him get off stage without telling that story he has to tell that story guys we need to do this for him i go up on stage the first night sold out right i get to like the end of my set and i was like all right i'm gonna be out the bar and then someone, and I was like, all right, I'm going to be out at the bar. And then someone goes, tell the machine. And I go, oh, guys, I'm not going to do that. This guy in the front row goes, hey, man, we understand it's going to be bad, OK?

But you've got to tell it in order for it to get good. So we're here. Right, guys? That guy, to me, would be more important than the girl who commented. Like, just like the, OK, we're in the trust tree now, and I i'm gonna try this out yeah if he doesn't say that who knows you walk off stage don't do it like i remember going seriously it was awful fake laugh don't worry don't worry and he's just he was just a guy in the crowd dude there's this is back when incredible death squad was like a legit thing like death squad loyal and you and that was like a a group that just

supported rogan because like rogan and red band were doing the same thing at the same time. So they'd come out and they'd just be all covered in Death Squad gear and you'd sell out a weekend in Columbus, Ohio. And it would be – you'd get the same 30 dudes would come to every single one of your shows. And then it would build to like 150 dudes and it was just insane. They were like, don't worry, man. It's going to – and I told it that night. And then the next night I was like – they're like, the machine. And I was like, well, I told it last man. And I told it that night. And then the next night, I was like, they're like, the machine. And I was like, well, I told it last night.

I bet I can figure it out. I told it again. And then I just kept telling it. It didn't get good for like four years. And so I was like, and I just kept telling it, going, I'll figure this story out. Right, like you said, when you finally hit it. And then I fucking told it. And then I figured it out.

I figured it out one night in Columbus, oddly enough, same night in Columbus. The story didn't have an end to it and they used to have a plant on stage with you in columbia the old columbus funny bone and they didn't and i remember thinking it's a fake plant but i was like i need to i had this moment where i said i was fucking the part of the story up because the lady that he spit the vodka in her face she was puerto rican and i would bring that up and it was like a pointless thing to bring up but i just brought it up because i liked it it was a detail and then i didn't bring it up that time i go he spits the vodka in her face and instead of going this woman puerto rican or whatever i go and he just goes fuck this bitch fuck he looks at me he goes fuck that bitch this is russia which is what he said in real life i put

that in and as soon as i put that in i looked at that tree and i said to myself this is the silliest thing i said i just planted a seed of something that's going to grow that i can harvest at the end of the story it was the greatest it's why i say i love stand-up i love this i was i might then my energy level skyrocketed i got so fucking excited because i knew at the end of the story now, I could say, so I understand you're the machine. And that's where the story ended, right? But it never popped the way I did. Now I knew I could go, so I understand you're the machine. And I could go, I'm not in trouble.

And he could tag it and go, no, fuck that bitch. It was the greatest fucking feeling of going like, that's how the story ends. I've got an end to it. Right now I've got a story about finding a lost child. And it has no ending. And it's just meandering. And last night I was like, that didn't the story ends. I've got an end to it. Right now I've got a story about finding a lost child and it has no ending and it's just meandering. And last night I was like, that didn't end well, huh guys? And they were like, no.

Not at all, buddy. You need to do more work. We're here, but you should be doing the work on your own also. I feel like the newest thing is the Mickey Mantle gene. I feel like you should lean the fuck into that. That's such a...

I mean, it's so true for you, but it's such a brilliant thought. I mean, everybody would... I think that is the most important... You might have the most important trait in the world. It's incredible. I'm telling you, man. John Daly's got it.

Babe Ruth had it. Right. It's just those people... I mean, that's it. It's like you three. It's an exclusive club that's fucking awesome. all night get up the next morning and put in work and perform like a champion on fumes but then even you know you went out and saw mcafee and you're like yeah i'll kick a field goal or jump off this mcafee said to me he goes he goes he goes uh

he goes i gotta be honest we go leave it and he goes i'm starting to believe in this mickey mandelteam yeah i'd never kicked a soccer ball in my life. Like, I may have kicked it, like, you know, but never played soccer. Yeah. We did two kicks. And my second one, he goes, by the way, that's a legit 20-yarder that you just kicked. And he was like, I think you could do this. And I'm like.

I got faith in you for sure. Oh, I want to go out on a field and kick. But also, I'm an athlete. Like, I know I'm fat. But people forget I was a legit a legit athlete like very good athlete so like i can and i believe did you say that yo yo ramirez clip where he talks about anything in life is possible it's so fucking insane yo ramirez is like he tells this story about someone beating muhammad ali i think and then did you guys see this and he's like it's so good.

And I believe if you can envision something, you can do it. That's why I ran the marathon. I go, just don't say no. I don't have an option. I'm already here. All I have to do is put one foot in front of the other foot for the next five hours. I can do that. Anyone can do that.

Just shuffle your feet for five hours. Just shuffle. That's it. And I believe in that like dave's dave said the other day he goes i think i could swim across the catalina channel and i go really yeah i go i go let's do it and he goes hold on you got to train i go no no no we can do this he goes bird you're not gonna last an hour i go let's see but i believe i i love that i i would do i would do a tv show just based on the mickey

mandel gene yeah I did a show. I did a show called the Cinderella story where I would go in and enter a competition with no training, no insight, just enter the competition and see if I can win it. Like the Cinderella story come from out of nowhere. We did the, the,

the Scottish Highland games in long beach. I had no training. I got drunk as fuck and I came in third. Really? Could you imagine there's some bastard who does that like every year it's the biggest thing he does and you come in fucking third oh they were livid they were livid like and what it was is that you know no i'm not shitting on scottish highland games athletes but for the most part they're just guys that didn't get into scuba diving or owning miter cycles and And this is their hobby, is putting on

a skirt once a year and just getting drunk and getting in touch with their heritage. And it was just a lot of out of shape guys. We did a hammer throw and they're like, we did the fucking stone shot put and I set the record. And they're like, what the fuck?

The best was the caber toss. We go to do the caber toss. I have no previous. We go to do the caber toss. I have no previous knowledge of what to do the caber toss. I just watch a couple people, and I go, oh, this makes sense. And the whole thing about a caber toss is you want it to flip. That's where you're throwing the fucking tree trunk, right? You want it to go up, and you want it to flip and land square. So if you start at 6 o'clock, you want it to land at noon. And I just did it perfectly first try.

And they're like, you have three more tries. I go, I'm good. It's almost like you should bring back the travel channel thing, but now that you're big enough and famous enough and rich enough and successful enough, you can do it on your own terms. If you had a show called The Mickey Mantle Gene that you did your way, I think that would

be fucking incredible, wouldn't it? Mickey Mantle Gene, just go in and just see if I can take professional athletes. Just do cool shit all around the world. You know Eddie Bravo is Joe's good friend and the originator of the Rubber Garden, 10th Planet, Jiu-Jitsu, like champion, only American to ever tap a Gracie ever. And one night I'm like standing behind him. I go, I wonder if I could just take him down. But that's how my brain works.

My brain goes, my I go, I wonder if I could just take him down. But that's how my brain works. My brain goes, my brain goes, I'm like, I wonder, so I just kind of like go up and I just come up behind him and he just sensed it and he goes, hey, you're thinking wrong right now. I go, what? And he goes, this is what I do for a living, man.

I'll fuck you up bad. I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, put that Mickey's Metal Gene in your back pocket. This is not a bunch of drunk guys in Scotland. I will fucking kill you, man. I was telling, wasn't I telling someone the other day, I go, oh, this is going to annoy some people, but this is exactly who the fuck I am. So we move into our, we get a new house when I'm 10 years old. We lived in like this redneck neighborhood.

We get into a new house, and we go to this new church, St. Mary's. And my dad takes us to church for the first time in a new house. And we take communion, and after you take communion, you sit and you kneel and you pray for a little bit, thank God or whatever. I sit down. By the way, this is not who my dad is at all. I sit down in the chair, and I smiling and my dad goes hey uh what were you praying for i said nothing he said well what were you what were you doing on your knees i said i was thanking god and he goes for what and i go for all these god-given abilities

what god-given abilities do you have i go name it my dad has worked his ass off for everything in life. He's just like, the fuck did I do to this kid? Jesus Christ. He shouldn't cash checks. Fucking I. I remember. I mean, like, there's so many times.

My personality is not. It's not like when I was in first grade, I was playing second base for our Pinto team. And the bases were loaded and they popped a fly ball up to me and I caught it. And everyone cheered. And I spiked the ball. I ripped my shirt off and I started dancing. And, I mean, my dad was livid. He was like, what the fuck?

But the people are going crazy. Imagine seeing a six-year-old rip his shirt off, spike a ball, and start dancing. You'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? And I got in the car and my dad's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You don't do that. And I go, dad, all the guys I love

in sports dance when they score. And he goes, you spiked the ball. Everyone tagged in and ran in. You lost the game. You lost the game. I was like, yeah, but everyone's going to remember me dancing. And he goes, it doesn't matter if they remember me dancing. You lost the fucking game.

I go, oh. I think everyone's going to remember me dancing. Thank God, man. That's why you are who you are today, dude. Working out pretty well. Segura and I, it's the thing that frustrates him with me, but makes him

like... A perfect example is we do that stupid dance video, and I go, I think a dance video would really blow up. And everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I go, I tell Joe, Ari, and Tom, I go, we should do dance videos. We'll do hip-hop dancing for Sober October. And they're like, no, we're not doing hip-hop dance video.

So I'm like, fuck it, I'll do it. And so I hire a dance teacher. I do the dance teacher. And it goes viral. And Segura's like, you motherfucker. You can dance. It was Mickey Mantle. You can kind of move.

I can barely dance. But you can't barely dance. You can dance. I've watched that video more times than I care to admit. I'm like, fuck it. It's Mickey Mantle, Gene. He's just like, yeah, my body can do this shit. I don't know why.

It's just I was obsessed with dance videos. I still am obsessed with dance videos. Are you guys doing a third? Are you going to do another round or something together? No, we're going to – I'll tell you what I really wanted to do. I told Tom he should do it. I don't know if we talked about this on the podcast or if they edited it out, but I wanted to do it with my wife.

For April Fool's Day, I wanted to release a porn video. Oh, Jesus. I wanted to hire two porn stars and have them fuck. Do deep fake shit? No, no, no, no, no, no. And then have me videotaping like, oh, I love you so much. And then flip the camera around and it's Leanne, right? You can see her

face. And then, oh, I want to show you. And then bring it down here and then do the splice there and show a porn star with a big dick just slamming it and just be like, oh oh you're so hot and then scroll up to her tits and it's not Leanne's tits

or anything but you hear Leanne's voice throughout the whole thing oh my god I wanted to do it so bad and my wife's like I'm not doing it I was just saying

she's a cool chick I think there's I think there's even a line for her she's like I am not doing that and then I was like Tom you should do that with Push she's like done

done is she done? I don't know Push has got a Push has got a wider sense of humor than Leanne. Leanne's sense of humor is pretty dialed in to America's Funniest Home Videos. Not being on Pornhub. Not being on Pornhub. I mean, let's not knock her.

I think that's a reasonable line to have. I posted a video a long time ago of a sex tape of me and her. But it was like me going, hey, let's videotape ourselves having sex. And she was like, no, I'm not doing that. And I go, come on, just a little bit? And she goes, no. And I go, well, then you watch me.

And I go to start, and it edits right when my dick comes out. And her aunt found it. She was like, honey, you've got to scrub that off the internet. And I go, it's already on the internet. Too late. It's in God's hands now. It's in God's hands. Getting Yeah, it's in God's hands. Getting tons of subscribers on my model hub page.

Godspeed. Godspeed. The best is if it's a growing post, do it. When he goes to do his, I said, Tom, you should do it so that when you do the money shot, the dick comes out and a black hand grabs your dick and just turns it off. It's unbelievable, man. I don't think. I don't know that's going to happen. I don't know.

Yeah. And then he, you know what's so funny? He goes, I'm not letting a black dude grab my cock. And I went, Tom, it's not your cock.

And he went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right, you're right, you're right. My bad, my bad. Yeah. I was like, I was like, wait, are you going to fuck a porn star?

I bet Tom said he was doing the math. He's like, yeah, I'll fucking rail some porn star. And then we'll just pretend we'll be pushing his face in. If you could fuck any porn star right now, who would it be? See, this is a tough question. Is it tougher than this one that I'm about to ask? If you had to make out with any male actor. Ready?

Here we go. No, I'm going to give you the three names. Okay? Brad Pitt. That's going to be tough to beat. The Wolverine. Hugh Jackman. Or Keanu Reeves. Brad.

I saw you like Keanu, right? Out of looks, personality, the whole package. No, I just think he'd be the most kissing a chick. Yeah, he's very feminine. Yeah, but if I want to kiss a guy, I don't want to kiss a chick. Yeah, I kind of want to kiss a guy. I want Brad Pitt to have like a fucking beard.

I want Brad Pitt like pulling my hair, maybe choking me a little bit. You know, I want to get ragdolled by Brad Pitt. If I want to kiss a girl, I'll go kiss a girl. I want to kiss fucking Brad Pitt, man. Okay, who's the most manly dude you could kiss? Like, let's name the ultimate, like, Nick Offerman. Like, who's the guy where you're gonna kiss i mean you're gonna smell musk and like like like kind of like a midwest like a like a fat like well you

know you're not gonna be like i'm you you need it to be like leading man like george clooney the if we're talking man well that honestly, Rogan might be up there. Yeah, that's true. You missed out with Joe? Yeah. You're too close to the situation. Rogan like hunts elk and then eats it. Rogan's a pretty manly man.

He's Rogan. He's a top dog. He's the alpha man. He's fucking hunting and carnivore and all that shit. Rogan's like half animal. He's like not even a full human sometimes. I can't even wrap my head around that. How much money for you to fucking just make out with Joe?

None. Zero. Come on. No, not zero. Little Freudian slip there. No, no. I'll do it for free. That's a perfect lead in. We're going gonna go next door and answer more questions like this

because we got a whole deck of them but I appreciate the interview man I love you guys thank you very much out on St. Patrick's Day right? hey big boy out on St. Patrick's Day on Netflix stream it tell your friends enjoy it not out on St. Patrick's Day it's out today

St. Patrick's Day slash today right now I'm getting drunk at the comedy store go check out my Instagram stories Stream it. Tell your friends. Enjoy it. Not St. Patrick's Day. Today. Today. St. Patrick's Day slash today. Yeah, today. Right now, I'm getting drunk at the Comedy Store. Go check out my Instagram stories. How fucking – how wasted are you going to get? I'm going to be blackout. That's got to be the ultimate like when you were in school, you finish a test and you go party or whatever to finish a special. Finish a special.

After the bar has been raised too, like people have expectations for your special. I hope not. I hope lower those. Lower those. My buddy was like, hey, man, we're getting a lot of people asking to review your special. I was like, don't let them do it. I go, just put it out. And if people like it, they like it.

If they don't like it, they don't like it. Just shut the fuck up. You like the first one, right? This one's good. I'm really proud of this one. I think I've gotten to the point when I got done with this one, I was like, I don't want to do another one because I can't do – like I got really lucky on this one where I had like great stuff happen in my life that were really easy to write about and great. And I –

I get – I know what you're saying and I can hear it. I feel like I know what I'm doing. I totally subscribe to everything you're talking about with luck, but also like you're a talented dude who really takes this shit seriously. So whatever next happens in your life will be the material for that. You know what I mean? It's probably going to be the coronavirus. God willing. Let's hope.

All right. Big thanks to Bert Kreisler. That interview was brought to you by Zebra. Americans are overpaying for their car insurance by over $21 billion. I know for a fact I am overpaying on my car insurance. It's up over like $400 somehow now. All of a sudden, it just jumped like several hundred dollars. Granted, we all got in car accidents, so maybe that's why.

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He was with us for like an hour and a half. I know. I know. On a Saturday, too. He was here doing stand-up. Said he could squeeze us in on a Saturday. I was afraid that meant it was going to be like a quick one, like he was just doing us a favor.

But he hung out, chopped it up. I mean, we could have kept going, too. That's the thing. At one point, I was like, all right, I got it. I guess I got to go. Yeah, yeah, but he hung out, chopped it up. I mean, we could have kept going too. That's the thing. At one point I was like, all right, I got it. I guess I got to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a five-hour podcast, but he is that dedicated to the game. I feel like he would have gone as long as we wanted to.

But I expect huge things on his ATI, so please go watch that. And, you know, like so much good shit in that interview. I would put him right there at the top because we've had plenty of great guests but as far as like uh like bang for your buck you know what i mean that is going to be one of the most worthwhile hour and a half that we've ever had got it in just before corona the amount of shit that we've unfortunately had to cancel kind of sucks and i do want people to know uh i got a little FOMO of all the comedians posting their uh our shows canceled our tours canceled and everyone being like no no no no

we had a whole tour ready to go we got an agent who booked it all out mapped it all out 10 10 cities 12 shows uh new york philly chicago, Boston, Atlanta, Nashville, D.C. We had a whole tour ready for you guys to go. And it's very funny to look back and we were like, I don't know, maybe we should still do it. No, not an option. Like all that stuff. Like, hey, maybe we'll still have the tournament.

Maybe baseball will start on time. I just want to make sure i have dinner tonight like we just need to make sure we survive so uh it does suck but there's much much worse things going on that we have to worry about we're being heroes again once again on the go i can't wait to get my medal of honor at the end of all this for you know 159 straight days on the couch we should set that guinness book of world records bro stay on the couch for 100 hours or whatever oh yeah 92 i think it was 96 the amount of people who are going to be world record holders after this right i mean everybody's going to be a hero everyone's going to be a champion a gold medalist because everyone's going to stay inside uh and so we could Everyone's going to be a champion, a gold medalist, because everyone's going to stay inside. We are

going to probably need voicemails, though. Yes. Okay. Call the voicemail line 646-807-8665. Load up on voicemails. We'll also take your tweets. If you want to tweet us questions, tweet at KFC Radio.

Maybe we can even open the mailbox. I want to say it's kfcradio.com slash mailbox. Maybe we can do some old school mail time as well. So make sure you get our guests for at least a little while. Obviously, everyone's canceling press tours, but then we're going to have to make a decision whether we want to do like phone interviews, which I lean towards. No, but if it's a great guess, we'll do.

Yes. Yeah. We're, if we're going, you know, three months without ever having a guest, we'll probably open it up to phone interviews, but telling you,

we are going back to the old days. Like I feel bad for the young kids and the new podcast. They don't, they're probably lost. At least we have a blueprint of what to do. So we're kicking it old school style for the foreseeable future. Everybody stay safe, stay healthy, and we'll see you later this week for another edition of KC Radio. We've all been playing the ukulele.

You motherfucker. Turn around. Look at what you see in her face. Look at what you see In her face On the pages is the answer to a never-ending story. Ah, reach the stars, lie a fantasy. Dream a dream, and what you see will be Rise again, there's a great thrill I'm bored behind the clouds

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