KFC Radio - Bert Kreischer, Water Wigglies, Period Parties and Quicksand Porn

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Bert Kreischer (42:02) stops by to go deep on Sober October, down blousing, running a marathon on roller skates, being friends with Joe Rogan, how every girl has a little bit of c-word in them, and quicksand porn. Voicemails include: blind date tattoo, meet your great great grand parents or your great great grandchildren, and getting a tattoo of you still living sisterYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Today's episode of KFC Radio brought to you by Tommy John. The most goddamn comfortable underwear you'll ever wear. Ever. Period. When I open up my top drawer and I see that Tommy John is good to go, it's like top of the pile. Yes! In preparation for the weekend, I'm so excited to tonight bring my laundry so I can have Tommy John's to wear out. Yeah, when you do your laundry,

the whole point is that now you know your Tommy John's are top of the rotation. You got one on the holster. You're ready to go. This is one of the things. Look, we don't do ads that we don't believe in. This is one that I strongly, truly, truly believe in.

You put those on, and it just like, I always make this noise. It goes, just, your whole body just slides into them. Your dick and balls are in the pouch. Look good, feel good, play good. We got an email from Steve from Che the other day, and it was Tommy John incoming. And it had the confirmation numbers. I immediately checked. I'm like, wait, how close? Yeah, where's the confirmation numbers I immediately checked like wait how close

yeah where's the shipping I also I really fuck with the t-shirts they have it's like an undershirt but like kinda not you could probably get away with it like if you wore

oh I wear it yeah if you wore like under like a hoodie or something like a zip up it's they are they're special man

Tommy John's the real deal the very real that's why they got the best pair you'll ever wear or it's free guarantee because they know. We are the best in the biz, and if you don't like it, we'll just give it to you for free because we guarantee it. We know.

Luxuriously soft, mistletoe-worthy during the holiday season. So, you know, when you're going to be going to your parties and people getting snuggly and close in the holidays, you got to make sure you have your Tommy John's on. Go to TommyJohn.com slash KFC. You get 20% off that order. Get it for yourself. Get it for a gift.

Girls, get it for your man. Guys, get it for your girl. They got a whole new line. I mean, how comfortable must a Tommy John thong be? Uh-oh. Thongy John. I might start wearing them. Tommy John, you're listening to this?

Send me one. Can I? Send me one. Send me a couple, in fact. I started to restate the case. Like, wait, let's just do one. That's not weird. I think one is more weird than a bunch.

Send me a bunch, Tommy John. Yo, what if we just started wearing thongs? I have worn a thong before. I've told you that. I've worn a thong on multiple occasions before. And they're comfy as a mother thong. I don't understand. How can they be comfy when you wear jeans?

You just have pants on after. I just put it on. Do not come at me like, oh, don't be silly with that question. We're talking about you wearing women's underwear, right, bro? I mean, there's no question that it's out of bounds here. I put it on as a joke. Air quotes. I'm like, babe, look what I'm in.

How did it fit? It fit perfectly. Yeah. It felt like Snug is a bug in a rug. I was like, oh, this is so funny, right? Okay, anyway, let's go watch TV. Take my underwear off. You're going to stretch it.

We're well past that, let me tell you. I understand when they wear, like like yoga pants or something soft. But when they're rocking like rough denim underneath their, on top of their. I go. You go commando on that? I go commando. That's crazy. Before the advent of Tommy John, I would go commando in jeans.

There's like buttons and zippers and shit. It's either really hot or really cold. Listen, I beat the shit out of my genitals. I'm not worried about a fucking button here or there. TommyJohn.com slash KFC, 20% off. This is the greatest show. The greatest goddamn show you've ever fucking listened to. KFC Radio. It's been the greatest show on this network for seven goddamn years.

We ain't stopping. We ain't planning on stopping. I'll tell you what, a couple of times people thought I was stopping. I was going to say, there's been a lot of slander, a lot of talk recently. Feidelberg's being fired. KFC radio is breaking up. It's fucking straight Wolf Wall Street. It was.

We're not going anywhere. You got your new radio show, which was something we talked about a lot, where it was like, should we do a radio show? Should we just keep it as a podcast? We both thought podcast is the way to go. And so that's what it stayed as. And people all got fired from radio, I guess, because Dave wasn't on Barstool Radio so much.

People thought I was on it. Never was. And then everything went down yesterday and people well you know what it was it was like when when they made the announcement that someone of 10 years is gone i mean that narrows the field big time i didn't know that was happening yeah because i refused to pay for a serious serious subscription so i fuck you dave i don't listen to it so i wasn't really paying attention and then i tweeted out the link to our podcast at 5 o'clock like I always do

for the ride home and people were like oh thank god I thought you were fired and I was like wait why what's happening in radio right now should I think that too cause that's not out of the question no you could definitely get fired on radio and not know that's not out of the question I could see Dave coming out of a break being like

oh yeah by the way you're fired cause I just said so to a caller so that's it that's all out of the question. I could see Dave coming out of a break being like, oh, yeah, by the way, you're fired. Because I just said so to a caller. So that's it. That's all there is to it. But that actually kind of ties into a question I had that really ruined my night and my morning and everything. So I got a text last night from a friend, and it was just a fan, like an oscillating fan. And I said, explain yourself. She said.

Just a picture of a fan? A gif. Gif. Okay. Right? And she said, don't you find that incredibly soothing? And I said, now, not only do I not find it soothing, I am stressed out because I'm supposed to be soothed, and I don't get it. Why?

Like, what was it? Did it look like cool? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Right? And so she said, well, when was the last? I said, I don't I don't even know if I've ever been soothed. What does soothe mean? Yeah. And I started thinking about it. What was the last time you were relaxed? Just straight

up relaxed. And now, Kevin, I've been stressed out for 12 hours straight. Because I don't know if I've ever been relaxed. Oh, fuck you. When you just go home and you sit on your couch and you do nothing but dip for 18 straight hours. I'm not relaxed. Why not? I'm bored.

I'm talking like namaste, enlightenment, peace of mind. Like when you get to the moment of zen, the nirvana. Not just like, I've been bored. I've been, right? I started thinking of these words that might be synonyms for relaxed or soothed. It's just bored. That's what you're coming out with. I've been bored.

I've been pleasured, right? I thought maybe people would think soothed is pleasure. Yes, I've had orgasms. I've jerked off. Sure. I've been pleasured, right? I thought maybe people think soothed is pleasure. Yes, I've had orgasms. I've jerked off. Sure. I've done nothing, but I haven't been relaxed. The last time I even thought about being borderline relaxed, I remember I was on a beach in Jamaica about three years ago,

and I was just stressed out because I was like, this should be relaxing. I know this is like I'm under a palm tree having a drink. I know I should be relaxed right now, but now I'm stressed out because I'm not relaxed. I'm going to kill you. It's just, it's a fact. I'm going to kill you. No, you know what?

It is a fact. I woke up at 2 o'clock this morning. I fell asleep at 11, 11.30. Maybe midnight. I forget. That came out too. I don't fall asleep ever. I don't go to bed. I pass out, sure. Not even just pass out drunk, just like pass out like. We're just playing semantics here.

Like the batteries have run out. I'm not like, it's bedtime. Let's get in bed. The batteries run out and I just fall asleep in like a pile of trash. Right? Literally. Like I have like four empty water bottles around me, probably a box of cookies. Right?

I fall asleep in a pile of trash. And I wake up. I woke up at 2 o'clock this morning, my heart beating out of my chest, and I was like, yeah, nope, definitely wasn't relaxing because the question was are you relaxed when you're in REM cycle? And my body wanted me to know, hey, bitch, no. You are. You're not lying.

Like I know that your brain and your body are stressed. But one day, maybe, I don't know. One day you will actually be stressed and you will realize that what you are feeling right now is not stress. I don't know if I'm a genius or an idiot. No, I'm pretty sure you're an idiot. I don't think you're a genius at all. What would what would what? What's the argument for genius? I have a pretty good idea.

What's the argument for genius? I have a lot of really good ideas. Right, so you have good ideas that you then don't. But I'm a creative genius. Right, you are an innovator. I'm an innovator. You're not a genius. Okay, that's fair.

You're a dumb innovator. Okay. Really a dumb, good innovator. It works. It works. Fat, dumb innovator. How about that? Fat, dumb innovator. Fine. I'll take it. I innovator. How about that? Fat dumb innovator. Fine. I'll take it. I'll take it.

Well, I'm a bitch too, though. I'm a bitch too, so we can't drop that. Fat dumb fat... I'm not a bitch innovator. I'm an innovator bitch. You're a fat dumb innovative bitch. That's it. The FDIB. Voicemails, please. Voicemails today are brought to you by

StockX. After voicemails, we got Burt Kreischer on the show. Burt Kreischer. We did Voicemails, please. Voicemails today are brought to you by StockX. After voicemails, we got Burt Kreischer on the show. Burt Kreischer. We did like an hour with him. I think it was our best interview ever. And I don't even like to call it an interview. It was just like he was the third co-host. He was in the third chair.

And we were just riding for the afternoon. We found out some fucked up stuff. I mean, we found out some shit. It takes a lot to make, to give me or John any sort of pause. And Burt did just that. He he has, he fit in with us maybe better than anybody ever fit in.

Which makes perfect sense when you start thinking about it. When the topic of porn came up, and he was just like, you guys want to talk about porn? Yeah, of course we do! It's all we do! Welcome to the fucking greatest show, man! We were like cocky about it. Like, oh, I don't know, man, you want to talk about porn? Like, yeah, of course we do. That's all we do. Welcome to the fucking greatest show, man. We were, like, cocky about it. Like, oh, I don't know, man.

You want to take BP with fucking Barry Bonds? Right. Like, you come to the porn guys. And then he just, he porned us out. Yeah, yeah. I haven't watched porn since. I don't know why I said that. After voicemails, we'll get into Bert.

Right now, voicemails are brought to you by StockX. Right now, one of the hardest shoes to get that I think my crowd is going to like. The J.Crew Nike collab. The Killshot 2s. They just got restocked, so you can get them for retail right now, but I think those are going to fly. Oh, this is what you tweeted about last night, right? Yeah.

They're kind of blazer looking? Yes, very much like blazer. They're low top. They have like a gum type of sole. Gray suede. Blue check. Fire! And they're good for like this crowd sole, gray suede, blue check, fire. And they're good for like this crowd. There's a low top pair of Nikes, nothing too cocky, nothing too flashy. It's a J.Crew collab, so you know it's good for all like us corny white boys. And I'm almost positive they're probably going to be sold out once again on the J.Crew site.

Go to StockX, pick them up. The J.Crew Nike Killshot 2s. I'm putting my seal of approval for my gang here. I know what you guys are into. I know what scares you off. Perfect sneaker for you guys. They retail for like 90 bucks. I'm sure you got to pay a little bit of a premium on the secondary market, but the best part of StockX is that you always know you're getting the lowest price possible because you can look at all the bids, all the asks. It's like a stock market. The prices are going up, going down.

Supply, demand, offers are out there. And StockX puts it all together in easy to read. There's the ticker. It's easy to search. And you'll make sure that you're getting guaranteed real sneakers. No fraudulent shit. And you get the lowest price possible. So, StockX.

It's almost like I feel like I'm talking about the tickets. It sounds like it's like a seat geek for sneakers when you think about it. I got the deconstructed Vans most recently. If you want to go get those Fear of God Nikes, you know, God bless you. The Fear of God Nikes are retailing for like $395. Retail? you know, God bless you. Like that's that. If you, if you're going to go, the fear of God, Nike's a retail for like three 95 retail retail.

So I, the secondary market is going to be banana town. Fucking right arm. I bet those are a cheap brown stock. Those are pretty dope. I'm feeling the high top. They're, they're like very, they're like almost like futuristic.

Like, I don't know where I would wear them. I would probably just wear them around the house and be like, these are cool. Cause I think if I walked out of the house, people would be like, you look like an idiot. Cause they're like almost like futuristic like I don't know where I would wear them I would probably just wear them around the house and be like these are cool because I think if I walked out of the house people would be like

you look like an idiot Kanye tweeted they're so fire Kanye tweeted them? Yeah he tweeted what's his name Jeremy Jerry Lorenzo

Jerry Lorenzo and he was like unbelievable collaboration or unbelievable interesting from the Adidas guy right but even with

Kanye's sealer approval I think I'm out on those it's just too much for me i know wow i know my lane i know my lane that's stunning though because i feel like they're actually oh i never thought i'd see the day or something was too much for john yeah there it is no i know like i i wear some i wear asshole things but i i also turn down your lot of asshole things. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's just levels to this shit. And that's also what's good about StockX. They have the biggest collection, the biggest selection of not only just sneakers, the streetwear as well,

where you can get everything from the kill shots, which is kind of like a low-top casual pair, to if you want it to fuck around and get the red October Yeezys where it's like, pow, they got it all. I mean, they have the. Back to the future. Yeah, the mags. They're the mags. Yeah, I mean, they got it all. And they know the existence.

They have. They got everything, too. They got they got like handbags and watches. Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Gucci, Rolex, all that stuff. So you can get everything you need basically to live fresh on StockX. Go to StockX.com slash KFC. Get in the game. Download the app and get yourself those

kill shots. Voicemails are up. Let's do a couple before Bert. What up, boys? So crazy stories and we need your help deciphering it. So my buddy goes on three blind dates with this chick and he has one, whatever.

She seems like a cool girl. And then they find out, he finds out through the mutual friend that she goes and gets a tattoo of his first name, like the first letter of his first name, on her body. What the fuck should he do i think you should get a restraining order but we'd like to hear your answers thanks viva first of all if you couldn't hear i like to play some antics um you don't go on three blind dates you go on one you get one and then it's no longer blind the other two are are dates. Yeah. Right? I mean, wait. So that's like so very true that am I misunderstanding? Was there other girls? Was there three different? One girl.

I think it was one girl. Okay. You don't go three blind dates. That's not really like plain semantics. That's just like the fucking, that's how it goes. You know? It's like, oh, nice to meet you for the second time. It's like, no, you've already met.

It's just. Oh, we're going for the third date. Like, what should she look like tonight you walk in like who is it oh is that is that you Jessica you go like casually

yeah she's not a shifter she's a she's gonna look the same alright so she goes long story short goes on three dates starts as a blind date

goes on three dates now she got the tattoo you know what I'm gonna think about this what you're gonna marry her right now because she's crazy? I'm not going to marry her right now. But you're in. I'm going to find a dad. Gets the engine revving.

Yeah. I think it's cool and sexy. I mean, it's definitely not cool. Yeah. Maybe cool is not the right word. It's crazy. It's crazy and sexy. Yeah.

Okay. I'll give you that. I think it's just crazy. And it's like, I like it if she starts using it as a gauge. Right? Do tell. Continue. J, I like it if she starts using it as a gauge. Right? Do tell. Continue. J.

I like you. Those are good three Js. O. I'll fuck you. This is like Wheel of Fortune. O. Like to buy a vowel? Right.

O is, oh, we're fucking now. O is that it's time to have sex. H, we official. Facebook official, you're dating. We're on. We are an official, exclusive relationship. And we married. And then what happens to the last name, bro?

Kids. First kid. F. You're going to have a slew of them by the time you get to G. Yeah, no. I like this idea. It's like... It's telling you exactly where you are in a relationship.

Like, you're wondering, oh, are we serious? Yeah. I mean, I guess some people would think that happens the first time you get a tattoo, any letter tattoo. It seems a little bit permanent once the ink is, like, ground into your fucking skin. Yeah. But I think, you know, it's a little... It's more important to have a really...

You know, relationships nowadays have become so so fluid it's hard to define them. Even Facebook official isn't a thing anymore. It was in college. I was like, oh, that's how you know where we go. That was the place that you could put it out there. There's no way to put it in a Twitter bio or something. That's about it. There's no option to do it really.

Now, let's ink it up, babe. Wow. It's almost like – remember Back to the Future, the picture? As the situation gets worse, people fade out. It's like this is almost the reverse of that. It's like she walks in the door, and you see the J-O, and it's like, oh. I must have been, yeah, like I must have really played my cards right. And then, and they look, it can work reverse, too.

Just like in Back to the Future. Just like lasers it out or something. You start lasering. Imagine all of a sudden you just walk back to jay and it's like come home one night and it's just like even like part of the end is missing ah shit this is gonna be a fucking thing looks like it's like a i really fucked up not replying to that text properly this poor girl just back and forth to ink and laser like jumping cancer into her body to prove points to you.

John goes and gets her, you know, some fucking flowers for Valentine's Day. She's like, God damn it. I got to go back to the tattoo parlor. I had a buddy this happened to. She got the initials like way too early. It was a story forever. And now they're just both married and have kids with separate people. Like you think it's forever and you think.

How about Lana Rhodes? She got married to John. The guy tattooed on her ass oh right yeah they got wifed up good for them yeah you know what we know what i think she fucks other people on her snapchat but they're married what's great about like your situation like listen a girl goes and gets a john tattoo and things don't work out, find yourself another John. Yeah. His name was Ezekiel. Exactly.

Go to Western Pennsylvania or Dallas. You're really limiting your real estate options here. But, yeah, listen, you get John or Mike tatted on your ass and it's like you just have new criteria. It's like, oh, what's your type? Well, you know, like six feet tall. I like light eyes, like an athletic build, and he's got to be named John because I'm fucking – I got that ink on my body.

It could be worse. Yeah, but like also – Asa has had like all of her husbands at one point have been tattooed on her. She just keeps getting new ones. Yeah. Tattoos and husbands. She's going to become like known as like a self-mutilator eventually. She's always said eight. She's like, I'm going to get married eight times.

You've got like five to go. You should tone it down with the tattoos then. One or the other. Eventually, by the time Asa's in a happy relationship, I think she is now. I'm happy for her. But if all

things went according to her plan, she's going to look like that guy. Remember the guy from, like, Guinness Book of World Records when we were younger? Oh, yeah, he's literally just head to toe. Eyeballs tattooed, shit like that. That guy creeps me out. Yeah, I think.

Sure does, mission accomplished, pal. Well, so long story short, I feel like this guy called thinking that we were going to be like, oh, that's so crazy, and we came up with a way crazier scenario that involves like tattooing and lasering off based on your current status of your relationship and also limiting your only romantic options to certain names of the population. I also like I obviously we're joking, joking about things, but I also truly believe this wouldn't turn me off. I truly don't think I'd be like, oh, shit, I need to restrain you. I'd be like, oh, this is new. Yeah, but you are crazy. I think I would be like, this is't turn me off. I truly don't think I'd be like, oh, shit, I need to restrain you. I'd be like, huh. This is new. Yeah, but you are crazy.

I think I would be like, this is not good. I would know it's going to lead me down a dark path, but I would drive down it with my lights off. That's the thing. Yeah, you love the dark path. Close my eyes. Jesus, take the wheel. Floor it. Let's see what this dead end's like.

Let's see how hard I slam into this dead end. Maybe there's a cliff. Maybe it's not even an end. Maybe I just fly over the edge. We will find the fuck out. I don't know what I would do. Like, it's hard to, you know, deal breakers are tough. When you say something to a deal breaker and it's like,

that means I'm going to break up with this person over this issue, it would be pretty fucked up to be like, you got a letter tattooed on you and that's it. The problem is he probably likes her and that he just doesn't, you just don't like that one thing. Yeah, but that's it. It's like, oh, this is going a little too fast. Where is the tattoo to? Because if it's somewhere people can see and then they're like, what's that for?

Well, his buddies know about it. Right. And once people know, that's really what it's always all about. What do other people think about you? That's the most important thing in the world. Like if it's on her ass cheek, I would like it less than if it's always all about. What do other people think about you? That's the most important thing in the world. Like if it's on her ass cheek, I would like it less than if it was on like her wrist. Yeah.

Well, you, you know, you got your little fruity thing on your wrist. Thanks. Voice mails brought to you by fan duel. You want to get involved in fan duel football. Now is the time to do it right now.

We have the bar stool, dual, dual primetime points of Palooza presented by PFT. Say that one time fast. Barstool dual dual primetime principal points of Palooza presented by PFT. It's five dollars to enter with a fifteen thousand dollar prize pool. First place gets twenty five hundred bucks and a trip to the AFC or NFC championship game, whichever you pick. And even if you don't slag first place,

they got tons of Barstool swag for secondary prizing. So that's all based on Sunday's Vikings-Bears game and Monday's Chiefs-Rams. That game, I mean, two 9-1 teams, some heavy hitter shit. Wasn't it recently like the Pats matched up with somebody who was like 10-0 versus 10-0 or something? It was relatively recently because I remember they started comparing it to the Niners

and Giants from all the way back in the day. They usually have a loss. Their recent M.O. was an early loss. There was something within recent years. I think the 4th and 2 game, that was a 12-0 versus 12-0 or something like that, but that was Peyton Manning and Indy. Yeah, maybe that's what I'm thinking about a long time ago.

Either way. I watched that game at Florida State so it was close to eight years ago Chiefs Rams will be a doozy though Mahomes Mahomes is just as a Jets fan when you think you maybe found like a franchise quarterback and then you see what a franchise quarterback what you have to do to become a franchise quarterback like which is oh we're not even close yeah sit down bro it seems like little bit. Oh, we're not even close. Yeah, sit down, bro. It seems like it happens every single year. You get a rookie quarterback, and you're like, oh, he's showing some flashes.

And then someone who sat for two or three years is like, oh, shit. God damn it. Anyway, lock on your lineups before 8-20 for either of these night games. $5 to enter, and you can get $2,500 if you take down first prize. New users get a $5 bonus when you make your first deposit on FanDuel. Go to fanduel.com slash primetime. That's fanduel.com slash primetime. New users only.

Bonus not available for withdrawal, stage, and aid. Restrictions apply. Full eligibility rules and terms and conditions. Go to fanduel.com. As I was just feeling my shitty beard, I didn't realize I was going to do this morning. What's that? Do Movember. Oh no.

I just have a real morbid curiosity to see how ugly. I am under no impressions that it's going to look good. But I have a very morbid curiosity to see what it's going to look like. And I get to do it under the guise of philanthropy. I'm not going to raise any money. Don't get me wrong. Under the guise of philanthropy is a great not going to raise any money. Don't get me wrong. But it's just. Under the guise of philanthropy is a great way to live.

Like, let me just find out whatever the causes are for each month and do some shit that I have always been curious about. I told her I just wear pink fucking gowns all the time. Yeah. I'm doing it for charity, but this is kind of cool. Yeah. This is for charity. Like, oh, what's your link?

No, I don't have a link. It's just. I'm raising awareness. I'm wearing women's underwear and I wanted to wear a pink gown that's that's all that's happening here awareness for what guys who like to wear thongs hey what's going on kfc radio just going through like a little late night instagram polls and i see one that i think that you guys could actually really elaborate on would you rather go back into the past and meet your great-great-grandparents

or go into the future and meet your great-great-grandchildren? Meet your great-great-grandparents or your great-great-grandchildren? I think this isn't even a question. Children. Oh, I was going to say grandparents. Really? Because I think it's much less, I think if you meet

your great, I think if you meet your kids, it's weird. It's like some, You meet your kids? That's what it is, right? Well, I mean,

I mean, it's not your kids. Yeah. You've met your children. Right. Like, if I dropped into the future and I was like,

I'm your father, you're my kids, you're great kids, grandkids, whatever. I think that's. Oh, you kind of have the impression that you're going to take them. Something like that. No, I was told not to talk to old strangers. Thank you very much. Yeah, that's just strange to me.

Like, if I meet your grandparents, like, oh, there's, you know. I don't know. I'm just thinking about back to the future when they went when it was like, if you run into your kids, there's going to be like a rip in the space time continuum versus when he's hanging out with the fucking Marty McFly, the cowboy. You know what I mean? It was just like, oh, whatever. Yeah, they didn't really. That wasn't a big deal. But if you ran into, you know, it's kids in one way or the other. You can't see the thing, but it's just a different perception. I think it would,

it just seems less weird to me to go meet your great-great-grandparents. Nah, I mean, I guess I get that, but also, I don't know, I just don't have

any desire to go in the past. Yeah, the past stinks. Like, I don't... So you would be like, I'm gonna, you know, go meet my great-great- Yeah, I probably

wouldn't even meet them. But then it's just like, hey, I gotta go like, fucking look at the new technology something came up I'm sure there's like crazy sex dolls

that have been invented like all the new shit that by the way did you see that they're talking about self-driving cars becoming moving brothels we're so fucked up

like every every invention that is like how can we fuck it they're gonna fuck it I know I know they're gonna have sex with us

and like they definitely, they definitely are. They definitely are. Like, every scientist must be so stressed out at all times. Like, I got to. Like, sometimes when we write blogs, you got to think, like, you can think how, like, someone would twist it. Yeah. Right? And you're like, I'll take it.

Can't say that because they're going to relate it to the. Oh, the harp on this one line. Yeah. One word. And you got to just take it out because you're like, that's not what I mean, but I know these idiots are going to pretend that's what I did mean, even though they know it's not what I meant. So that's kind of how we're kind of scientists like that

when we're writing blogs where it's like, I got to make sure they can't fuck this word. Imagine inventing a car and they're like, ah, they're going to fuck it, son of a bitch. Like, the first thing is, like, but what about the cum? What are we going to do with this cum everywhere? Like, will it still work when there's cum on the fucking seats and in the gears and shit? Like, I'm sure, you know, scientists were, like, inventing the atomic bomb.

They were, like, how can they fuck on this, too? Like, how is sex going to screw this one up also? I mean, people are definitely going to fuck with the moving cars, though. You got, like, horticulturists doing food and stuff. Like, ah, they're going to fucking put this one up also. I mean, people are definitely going to fuck in the moving cars, though. You got, like, horticulturists doing food and stuff. They're going to fucking put this in their pussy. It works so hard to make these big head plants, and all they do is relate it to this. Oh, my God. Speaking of, this is so funny you said that, because I retweeted this the other day.

Somebody was doing cosplay where they dress up. And he wrote the funniest goddamn review. Because he was being some sort of ninja, I guess it was.

He says, I bought these for cosplay. This is an Amazon review site. And he said, I originally bought these for Naruto cosplay because they don't allow real weapons at Anime Boston. So this is like exactly what you went to. They look like real kunai. Can you look up kunai? K-U-N-A-I. I'm sure these are just like some sort of like these little weapons, I guess.

So he's like, I bought a couple dozen of them for my LARPing events. And when you throw them, they land on the point and they don't actually hurt you when you get hit by them. So they're like Nerf ninja weapons. Now for the real review. When you have a backpack worth of mini butt plugs, eventually you start to get curious.

I've never been the type to knock something until I try it. So one day I put one you know where just to see what the big deal was. It actually felt pretty great. My orgasms intensified and seemed to last longer. And my girlfriend loves them too. We both use them regularly during our lovemaking. It sounded like a guy to start off. And then we started talking about butt plugs.

I was like, I can't be a guy. Nope. Right back to a guy. Right back to a guy. It definitely added spice to the bedroom. So then he just lists out the pros and the cons, okay? Pros, smooth, soft. The taper allows for easy insertion,

but the flare ensures it won't fall out. Easy to clean, no smell, surprisingly accurate when thrown, doesn't hurt when you get hit. Cons, buying three dozen of these will run you a pretty penny. I mean, oh, they'll damage if you run over your lawnmower with it. Can you imagine this guy buying three dozen butt plugs, putting it in his costume, and then going home and being like,

like you said, I'm going to fuck it. How can I fuck these things? Think about so many inventions. Like the fucking, the electric toothbrush changed the game. Yep. These are things, by the way. You don't have to. Oh, yeah.

I mean, those are butt plugs. Yeah. Honestly, that's on that guy for not recognizing it before. Like, he should have seen it. Like, I'm going to shove that up my ass, son of a bitch. If I hang around that thing too long, I'm going to shove it in me. There's no way that doesn't end up inside my butt. Dude, the Sonicare toothbrush was, you know,

oh, humans don't know how to brush their teeth. They're always going side to side. We invented this thing that just does it for them. The individual tooth. And then someone felt a vibration in their mouth and went, I got to put that on my clip. Literally that exact case. That vibration works.

Yeah, those things. I bet those things. Shower heads! Yeah, those things. I bet those things. Shower heads! Because those... Oh, yeah, these massaging showers. Oh, now you can get your back, or you can just blast your clit with the water. This is...

You're going to have the most relaxing warm water shower ever. That thing probably didn't even get to someone's neck. They're like, wait a second. Dude, the toothbrush. If I was a chick, I think I would probably just rock out with a toothbrush over the actual sex toys. Because those ones are like supersonic. It's not like a regular vibrator.

This thing's like. It can like break apart plaque. It vibrates so hard. Imagine what it does to your clit. It's probably dangerous. Oh, yeah, I hit my pussy with a sonic boom. Like, you know, when we were going through puberty as kids, you're in the shower,

try anything. Shampoo? Yeah. I'll jerk off with that. Absolutely, but don't. But don't. I mean, you make that mistake once. Maybe like twice, you know, when you're desperate. A couple of times. Like probably five times. By the fifth, you're like, damn it, it happened again. That is the most painful thing in the world.

Soap in that hole is just a disaster. After you pee, it feels like you're peeing a flamethrower, like, choom! Yeah, that. But you're right. At some point, everything becomes lube. Every hole becomes a fucking spot to put it. Even those tanga things, the tanga, whatever it is,

the kind of mini fleshlights. Yeah. That's just a big, silly put it. Even those tanga things, the tanga, whatever it is, the kind of mini fleshlights. That's just a big silly putty egg. Yeah, you can fuck a silly... I've told the story when I fucked that thing. It's like a... It was called like a wooble, I think it was called. It was like a...

I don't know if you've told this story. I mean, you've told it to me. I don't know if you've told it into a microphone. Shit! Alright, so there's this story. I mean, you've told it to me. I don't know if you've told it into a microphone. Shit. All right, so there's this toy. Let me see if I can find it. Now I'm pot committed. I got to try to find the name because you really need to be able to. We can delete this part.

Nope. We can still delete it. Ooble? Is that what it's called? I am like 99% sure we did not have microphones in front of us. Damn it. No, definitely not. All right, so it was like a toy. It's filled with gel.

It's almost like a squeezy thing. You squeeze it, right? And it's like a tube, kind of. And the whole thing is that when you grab it, it slips and slides out of your hands. But basically, it's like a squishy silicon fucking hole. Oh, okay. I know exactly what you're talking about. I know the

toy version before i graduated to a sex toy yeah or wait is this a regular this is you you fucked the toy version yeah oh i fucked the toy oh okay okay so i know i used to i used to finger it all yeah yeah yeah i fucked that okay yeah yeah yeah but it's hard to fuck it because it doesn't like stay still it's kind of like yeah that's it that's still. It's kind of like, yep, that's it. That's what it's called. This is a Reddit thread where he's saying, I miss these things, I still don't know what they're called. He says they call them the water tube toy with glitter.

Water tube toy with glitter. You kind of smush down one end and you fuck it. Yeah, no, I never fucked it. I fingered it. I fingered it the hell out of that thing. I made that toy come a lot. Yeah, the point is You fuck anything Like the moving cars

Like any toy you see Everything ends up Because all roads lead back to fucking What was the voicemail about? Yeah I don't even know Wait wait wait I literally can't figure out what the voicemail was about I started talking about the self moving cars And how he fucking out what the voicemail was about. I started talking about the self-moving cars,

and how we fucking anything, and then we came to toys, but the voicemail... Oh, let's go meet our kids, our great-grandparents. Oh, we are assholes. This is the greatest show. Last voicemail.

My final answer, I'd like to meet my grandkids. That's very funny. Last voicemail of the day is brought to you by Burrow. John's rocking a Burrow couch. I'm looking for a new spot. I'm going to need some new furniture. I'll be getting a Burrow couch because they're the most comfortable couch. They're the mostrow couch. I'm looking for a new spot. I'm going to need some new furniture. I'll be getting the burrow couch because they're the most comfortable couch.

They're the most stylish couch, most affordable couch, easiest couch to have delivered to your place, and the most functioning couch because it's got a goddamn USB plug so you can charge your phone with your furniture. Yeah, so you can charge your phone and then prop that up and fuck the cushions.

Because we've all done that too. You haven't fucked the couch cushion. You're a prude. Because it's got like the good weight, you know what I mean? There's enough to fucking really push down on it. So yeah, you can fuck your burrow. Oh my God. I'm going to say it right now.

We're going to get yelled at when we tweet it tomorrow. This is one – I'm going to say it right now. We're going to get yelled at. We'll be tweeting tomorrow. This is one of my favorite shows we've ever done. This is a fucking – Everyone knows, like, oh, this one was so crazy. I was like, well, this one really was. But just thus far, and then when I know what's coming with Burt. Yeah, that's so true.

This is a 12 out of 10 show. Dude, even look at this. Designed for comfort. It's exactly 17 inches off the ground, which is the average height from the bottom of a person's foot to the back of their knee. That means when you get on your knees, you can fuck your couch. Wait, that's in the copy? That's in the copy. Oh, I don't even feel bad about saying you can fuck it.

They're trying to make us fuck the couch. That's what they want. Go to burrow.com slash KFC. That's B-U-R-R-O-W dot com slash KFC. Get 10% off the entire order, the entire site, now until Black Friday. So get your couch for the holiday season.

You're never going to get a better price when you get 10% off when you go to burrow.com slash KFC. Last voicemail. Okay, so I started talking to this guy and he has a lot of tattoos. So to, like, further the text conversation, I asked him, what was your favorite tattoo that you have? And he says the one, the portrait he has of his sister on his arm. So here I'm thinking, like, his sister died or, like, has cancer or something,

because who the fuck has a portrait of her sister on her body so i gently asked like why he got it because like thinking she died so i was like oh that's so sweet like what'd you get it for and it's just because he's really close with his sister so he has a portrait of his fucking sister on his shoulder totally weird because. Just because he's close. That is... And she's alive? Yes. Yeah. That's so weird.

Why would you get a tattoo of any alive person? I guess your children. I guess your kid. Yeah, your children. Your kid, you could. Even that's a bit much. Maybe your fucking third date,

if you're trying to let him know he can fuck now. But aside from that, I don't know. Your sister. I bet you that guy's sister is like, what the fuck yeah there's there's no reason to have a tattoo of your alive sister yeah it's like and your

contemporary like you're this you're you're in the same generation like they're gonna be alive like the whole time you're alive there's never gonna be a moment where you're like oh i can't see them anymore so i'm gonna like have to look at my tattoo. It's all I have. Those families where siblings are super, super, super tight are so weird. I love all my siblings. I'm very good friends with all my siblings. The ones that work together and shit? I think I've talked about this before

on this show, where there's a scene in, what's the classic rom-com? The one with Baldwin and Meryl Streep and John Krasinski, it's complicated. It's complicated. And there's a scene where, like,

the children are adults who just found out that Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin are still banging. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're adult children who just found out that their parents are still having sex. Right. Not that crazy. They're divorced parents. They're divorced parents who are still having sex. Right. Not that crazy. They're divorced parents.

Right. They're divorced parents are still having sex. And they're all in bed together. Mm-hmm. I remember you having a very hard time with this. They're all crying. I'm like, that's so goddamn weird. Why are you in bed?

Yeah. Like, that's so weird. It's weird for you to be upset that your adult parents are having sex. It's weird for you to all decide to console each other in a bed together. It's just, it's like, yeah, this is weird, right? Yeah. Like, mom and dad are fucking, but they're divorced. The people who are a little too huggy and kissy

and a little too pet names for each other and then certainly getting a tattoo of it. Well, it's not a pet name. My sister has a nickname. Yeah, nicknames are different. It's just like, you know. When you start, these are things that are really reserved, all these things.

Being in bed, getting cutesy and touchy-feely, getting tattoos. Those are things that are reserved for romantic relationships typically. Right, exactly. Those are things that are for the people you're fucking. If you go inside of a person, you do these things. If you stay outside of a person, you do those things. You don't mix those up. It's very, very clear guidelines.

Yeah. Very clear border. One of the most easy things to follow is like incest versus non-incest. Yeah. You know? There's some gray areas where it's like, oh, are we friends, platonic friends? Are we hooking up? What are we?

You know, the what are we conversation. There's a lot of scenarios where that needs to happen. Not if you're blood. If you're blood, if you're related, you live in the demilitarized zone, where you're in the green zone. Right. Look, we're civil around here.

Right. And we act with the proper decorum. Proper decorum. Yes. Thank you. And then outside, in war, we're savages. Right. We're savages.

No rules. None. No rules. I'll lick a butt. Dog. Sure. That one. That one over there, too.

His. Whatever. I keep fully clothed. Yep. And I speak like this. Talk normal. Don't touch. Out there, it's like, woo!

Let's fucking go! I'll lick your asshole. Fun. That's so easy to follow. That's both what we go to immediately. It's like, there's a person. Ask yourself, would you lick their asshole?

And if the answer's yes, you could be like, cutesy baby, touchy feely, tattoos maybe. And the answer's no. Just treat them like a fucking adult. Like a boss. Like an employee relationship really good

afternoon good evening good night like whatever that's it not that hard shit all right now let's go really off the rails burt kreischer in this interview with burt kreischer is brought to you by felix gray listen me john and burt we talk about our internet habits during this interview which means you're gonna if you if you indulge in some internet habits, you're going to be looking at the screen. You're going to be staring at the glowing light at night with your laptop, maybe on your chest where it kind of burns a little bit, you know, you know, possibly hypothetically, but in a good way. Right. And that extra, you know, just heightens things a little bit. But your eyes, you don't want to mess with your eyes, man. Start with your eyes. Next thing you know, you're squinting to read.

You need glasses like an old person, like, oh, I can't read. Well, it's because you burnt out your eye sockets with the blue light from your laptop and your tablets and your iPhone. So Felix Grey glasses are what's going to stop that from happening. It's going to eliminate the digital eye strain. It gets rid of that dry eyes, blurry vision, those stress electronic headaches. None of that because you pop on the Felix Greys and – I got to start wearing these more often, get my stress levels down. For real.

I got to start doing this. Start doing Felix Grey and – I forget the berries. I was going to make a sunny reference, but I forgot what kind of berries they're called. And get your Omax on so you can use your brain again. They're made out of quality Italian materials. They're available in prescription and non-prescription. They'll get there eventually.

Gets 90% of the blue light eliminated and the glare is gone. Go to Felix Grey Glasses. That's Felix Grey with an A. Glasses.com slash KFC. Protect your eyes with a pair of them today. Felix Gray Glasses.com slash KFC. All right.

So Bert Kreischer is here. You literally are spit into the fucking thunderdome. The doors open and the elevator opens and you are thrust into this place. There's no green room. There's no reception desk. It was just like ding and you're fucking in it. And we have like wild animals here. So whenever someone gets

off it's like what the fuck do they want? Like a dog sniffing your ass. What's this guy? What does he want? For a bunch of bloggers and idiots it's a surprisingly of bloggers and idiots. It's a surprisingly intimidating place to come into. Well, it's so interesting because, you know, I think I'm new to the barstool sports world. I got literally, it was like something, it's something that, it's almost like,

barstool sports is like, this is going to be good. It's like, I'm trying to think of the right analogy. It's like freckles. You don't realize you have as many as you have until one day you're looking at a mirror and you shave your chest and you're like, oh, wait, I got fucking freckles. And it's just like little things come up that are in the world that you don't realize are barstool sports. And then all of a sudden like, I've been saying Saturdays for the boys way before I even knew who Dave Portnoy was. Way before

I even like, it's just understood with the rough and rowdy box like, there's so much, and then all of a sudden you walk, I remember hearing the article where they're like, some girl had to sign a nondisclosure about being able to hang out with guys or whatever oh i just walked in the room i go oh that makes total sense yeah you'd have to sign that there's no way it's like going hey

you're gonna work in a man's locker room you're gonna see dicks it wasn't even that bad there was a standard entertainment clause get out of here well no happy came through because we had ari come through a lot, Dan Soder and the like, and so we've been looking to get you in here. Dude, I'm so glad to be here. I almost want to, like, I want to, you remember there was like, I want to drug the room and let everyone pass out and then go look at everyone's computers, see what everyone's working on,

catch up to speed. I'm down. If you want to come give us drugs, it's all good. Well, Ari did give us drugs. Ari came in. You guys just finished up Sober October. And Ari brought edibles. And I don't even like edibles.

I don't like – I'm not a weed guy. Yeah. And he came in. He brought us all edibles. But you put anything in front of me. You could put, like, heroin in front of me. I'm like, I got to try it. I grew up in Florida.

It was rude if you turned down drugs. Like if someone was like, hey, man, I remember taking XT and I did not want to take XT. But my buddy, we grew up together and he was like, I got half a pill of XT if you want it. And I was like, I don't want you to have to take the whole thing. You're just being a good friend. You can't let your buddy drink alone. You can't let your buddy roll alone. It's just how it goes.

Ari, you can get into a lot of drug troubles with Ari. I would imagine that. Yes, sir. He said that was a tweet he had before he came in where he was like, I can hold on to MDMA for two hours. Relax. How did you fare with Sober October? Because he said it was like the worst fucking experience of his life. It was so funny.

The drinking part, I didn't even realize I wasn't drinking towards the end. Not a big drinker or it was just easier than you thought to give it up? I'm sorry. I mean, I said the other day when they were talking about straight washing Freddie Mercury's story. And they're like, they don't really talk about his homosexuality. I was like, that's like not mentioning booze and doing a biography of Bert Kreischer. How do you not talk about it? Yeah.

It's a hugely influential part of my life. Yeah. I feel like I was going to say, I feel like I've seen you like chugging beers on stage and the like, but by the end of the month, you were okay. Yeah. So, you know, do you know how Sober OxyClover started? No. Okay.

This is an interesting footnote. So, almost two and a half years now, maybe three years ago, Tom Segura and I got into a fat shaming contest. And it went viral unexpectedly. I don't think either of us ever thought that many people would catch wind of it. Joe thought it was hilarious. He started, like, retweeting stuff. And then all of a sudden it really exploded. I did Ari's podcast.

Ari called me obese and said you're almost as fat as Tom Tom took offense to that and so Tom and I got into a weight loss challenge with Ari we had to get out of obesity on the BMI scale and whoever got out of there the most got to shave the other person's beard if we both got out of there

right I do remember the shaving the beard yes so we do it on Rogan's podcast and it just is it's is a lot of fun for everyone. I mean, I'd say it did well, meaning there's no way to gauge that, but everyone enjoyed it. A lot of people listened to that podcast. And so then we're trying to think of another thing to do. We're kind of going back and forth.

The challenge is I can run a marathon. We're going back and forth. And this is probably two years ago now i guess joe says on his podcast me tom and ari he goes how much do you drink and i made the very unwise decision of telling him the truth and i was like when you're at the doctor yeah two drinks a week doc you gotta lie on that one all right i mean it's like i go not nine drinks maybe a night and he goes nine drinks and tom who's my one of my best friends, is dying. He goes, they're doubles.

They're doubles. And Joe's like, 18 drinks? I'm like, if you want to count doubles as two drinks, yeah. No, it's one cup. It's one fucking 32-ounce cup. I put a full LaCroix in there. And so he says very candidly, he goes, you couldn't quit drinking. I take that back.

He had actually texted me during a Rockies game. Next challenge should be to see if Bert can quit drinking for a week. I was like, bitch, I could do it for a month. I could do it for three months. And then we pulled it back to a month. And then we all went back and forth. And Joe was like, honestly, a little concerning was like, we should all not drink for October.

And so we all didn't drink for october and then we added one fitness challenge where we do 15 hot yogas and it was all based on a soft intervention with me that no one thought i mean joe literally was like if you need to go to a doctor let me know i'll help find you a doctor i'm like dude i don't drink all the time i'm gonna be fine and so we did it last year and it was it was very camaraderie based we all ended up going to yoga together we ended texting non-stop we ended up shaming joe in the middle it was fucking so much fun and so then this kid comes around and joe's like boys you ready and i was like i didn't i was hoping they'd forget yeah yeah and then fuck face tommy puts in the

caveat we should put these heart rate monitors on. Bro, that's the hardest part was the competition of the working out. Because for every 10% you went up in your heart rate, you got an extra point. And we're competing against Rogan, who's a fucking savage. And I made the unwise choice again of taunting him throughout the week, month. Don't poke the bear. Dude, I was tugging on a tiger's tail. As my daughter says, I was pushing buttons waiting for one to turn up red.

It was, dude, it was. I did, like, I do videos. Joe would post a video, like, I'm up in the mountains. I'm running at miles. I've got my dog with me. And then I'd be like, I'm up in the mountains, Joe. I see you in the mountains. I'm doubling whatever you do.

And then the joke is I pretended to lose my dog I'm like Priscilla so but man it was intense towards the end I was ready for the month to be over because the shit talking personally had gotten so insane the competition had gotten so fucking insane and I was like I'm ready

for a drink and then we did that epic podcast like last Monday where we just got fucking obliterated I blacked out i don't remember saying stuff i got it i got a message from the guy who just swam around europe or sam around uk and he's like dude thanks for talking about me i was like you're very welcome that was the guy the guy you had to learn to walk right italy i had to learn how to walk we've been on the fucking water so much he swam like a thousand miles or something i had to relearn how to walk. What an asshole.

I can't imagine you said many good things about him. I don't know what the fuck I said. I have no recollection. And he was like, hit me up when you're in England. And I was like, sure thing. But we went to dinner. I have no recollection. I paid for it.

Dude, it was a... I mean, I was smoking, like, three different types of joints. We had blunts. We had, and I'm fucking, I woke up the next day. I said to my wife, I go, I would be less surprised if I woke up chained in a basement than in my own bed. Like, my own, how did I get into this bed? She said I fell, like, I was shuffling my feet and tripped and fell. I have no fucking recollection. So yeah, I'm partying pretty hard.

Yeah, man. You earned it. Shit. I got it. Did you feel any like, was there any like serious symptoms or like withdrawal or anything? It was just annoying. It's not the point where you were like, oh my god, I need it. No. Yeah. It's just, you know, towards the end

you're like, maybe I just will stop drinking as much because you really feel great. Right. And then, oddly enough, I'm like, yeah. John's not so. I don't like this. Yeah. No. I mean, like, it's people like you want to lose weight.

Oh, I can't. Like, I can't do carbs. I can't do this. I don't know what. Stop drinking. You'll fucking lose weight. Dude, stop drinking. It'll happen like that.

I lost 18 pounds. Jeez. Lost 18 pounds in a month. And that's real pounds, too. It's not like, you know what I mean? You do one of It'll happen like that. I lost 18 pounds. Jeez. Lost 18 pounds in a month. And that's real pounds, too. It's not like, you know what I mean? You do one of these crash diets. Oh, I lost 10 pounds. You're going to gain it back like in a second.

Yeah. If you cut out the booze, you'll just be a skinnier, happier, healthier person. I'm not happier. Not happier. Here's what it is. You have no way to reward yourself. You get no treats. Right.

You need a treat. I'm a man defined by my treats. I need the carrot. I need a, dude, if it's, I mean, I wanted a blow job every fucking night during Sober October because I was like, I got no treat by the end of the day. Like I need a treat. If I bust my ass and go to like a spin class, do a six mile jog in one day, do two podcasts, do a set at the end of the night, I want a cocktail.

Let me tell you something. I've been doing press at seven in the morning this morning. When I get on stage at town hall tonight, big Tito's and soda. I got a vape pen in my pocket. Go backstage, hit the vape pen, and just relax. Oh, I can't wait for my treats. Dude, I had the best fucking dream this morning. I got hammered last night.

Hammered. Like probably, oh, probably maybe five double jack on the rocks on the flight, right? Killed two beers before we landed within the 30-minute down. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Double Tito's and soda on the ride in the car into the city. Doubles Tito's and soda listening to music on my Bose little headset things. I go to sleep.

I have great dreams. Just a ton of really crazy dreams organizing uh pants that i had bought from trip flip combined with some bank robbery where i had to stash money in pipes and my mom wants the money and this guy told me put the money in there and now i'm like motherfucker last dream i have is me on a dock on like a deck with a beautiful woman in it she's in a bikini and we're smoking cigarettes i haven't smoked a cigarette in probably 20 years smoking cigarettes and i'm just and we're recounting all my dreams like going through the all the dreams like i was a fucking crazy night huh and then she was like yeah and i just take my cigarette put it out and that's how i wake up just stubbing

out my cigarette back into reality i'm here guys ready to cook dude it's fucking awesome and the last thing that happened right before i put my cigarette out is i said to her you know i haven't kissed a chick who's smoked in like 20 years i wonder if i'll be able to smell it she's like i don't know let's make out and i was like okay and then tub the cigarette out woke up stub the cigarette out woke up like i'm ready oh dude i, maybe we should try this. I want to try it. I don't know. You seem so happy.

It's like you took it away and then you rewarded yourself. He got drunk. Well, yeah, I'm saying, but it's because he took it away for an extended period of time. How does Barstool not have some sort of challenge system set up? Bert, just stop talking because I don't want this system. I don't want this. Mono e mono, bro. Well, we did a challenge once. 6, 12, 18 because I don't want this system. I don't want this. Mono e mono, bro. Well, we did it. We're roughing around. You can fight each other.

We challenged once. 6, 12, 18, 24. Yeah. Yes, hang on. Yes. Hold on. Jerk off beer pizza. Donuts. I'm sure there's variations. Donuts and miles. Donuts. Donuts. Yeah.

Okay. I figured this out one time. I definitely can run a marathon. You've definitely done that? I ran the L.A. Marathon with no training at all. See, that's where your challenges need to come in. Our challenge was going to be Tom Segura said he could roller skate a marathon faster than I could run it. And I said he was wrong. By the way, I'll still stand by this, and I will definitely run a marathon.

You really think you can? I mean, roller skating is quite faster than running, no? Hold on. Yeah, please, enlighten me. Do you want to take the bet? Well, you seem ultra confident, so I'm not. Take it through. But, I mean, what did you run it in?

Five hours and 33 minutes. That's not the point, by the way. That's not the point. You'll never get through the fucking marathon on roller skates. You'll never get through it. When was the last time you roller skated? Really? Right?

Okay? Dude, trust me. I was a speed skater growing up. I put on roller skates one day, and I could not do it. I was like, motherfucker, let alone 26 miles. 26 miles. So you think he just won't finish, period. You can run it in 26 hours.

His ankles will be destroyed. His feet will be hurting. It's very different. You still use your legs regularly. I played hockey and our coaches always yell at us, you're in shape, you're not in hockey shape. You can run, but you can't skate.

Rollerblading's different. Roller skates are one thing. They're heavier, right? And by the way, I'm not betting someone who knows how to roller skate. I'm betting Tom Segura, okay, who's obese. Important piece. But those kind of bets are fun as shit.

Yeah. And people love them. I don't know how you guys don't have that set up already. Because we're, like, lazy and we don't want to do them. Like, you're willing to run a marathon. He's willing to roller skate one. We're not. That's the fucking problem. We're talking about next year developing a surfboard that can tell.

We're trying to get me, Joe, and Tom, and Ari, want to see who can surf the longest, meaning stand on a surfboard the longest for a month, meaning who catches the most waves, who rides the longest waves. So to chronicle your feet or time on standing up or some shit like that. We've got to get Kelly Slater to develop the surfboard that will register his friends with Joe. Of course.

That's the beauty of having Joe Rogan in these. Joe, it's like you can make anything happen. It's like you're best friends with Santa Claus. You literally are. I mean, dude, his outreach is so insane. Sorry, I was just gonna ask, were you boys with him prior to his podcast,

Godlike Domination, or did it become because of podcasting? It's ultimately become because of podcasting. I found his podcast when I was working for Travel Channel. A podcast started blowing up, and I started listening to him. I'm good friends with Tom. I've been good friends with Tom for like 17 years probably, almost 15. Yeah, 17 years. I've known Ari for almost as long, and I would listen to them on Joe's,

and I just became obsessed with Joe's podcast. I was like, this is the best podcast I've ever listened to, mostly because it was my friends, you know? It was guys I knew, so I'd be on the road, and I'd just play it on my iPad and just go to sleep listening to it, wake up listening to it. It was great. And then one day he hit me up, and he was like, hey, man, can you come on my podcast? And I was like, fuck yeah. And I would never give this advice to anyone meeting Joe today, but it was back when we

did it at his house. And I walked to his front door, he answered the door. I was like, bro, big fan. I'm going to need to geek out real quick. I want to see your deprivation tank. I want to meet your dogs. We'll play a game of pool when we get high and then I'll be ready to do this podcast. And Joe was like, all right, let's do it.

You think that would go very poorly now? Oh, my God. Knowing Joe the way I know now, I just, I mean, but Joe just respects real. So, like, I think if you're really who you are to Joe, he likes that. He doesn't like fake. He doesn't like phony. But so I did that. That was probably nine years.

So I've known Joe, I guess, probably nine years so i've known joe i guess probably nine years and uh but he was friends with me at a time he became friends with me at a time that i was in a bad place with friends uh so like uh i had had a i had had a falling very public falling out with a another comedian and uh and shared a lot of the experience on joe's podcast of what was happening and why it was happening and then i was done with friends i was like i And then I was dumb of friends. I was like, I don't, I don't want friends. Cause I, it just didn't work out the business. It was just too confusing. And then one night we used to do this thing called, uh, the ice house chronicles and where we go to the ice house, we'd all do sets at the ice house. This is before Joe was back at the store and we do a podcast and then get high

and get drunk and just do quick sets. And one night I'm getting ready to go on. I'm really fucked up. And Joe comes up and he's got two shots of Jack and a beer and two beers and hands me a shot of Jack and a beer. And he goes, hey, man, you're a really great guy. I was like, thanks. He was like, we all want to be your friend. And I was like, cool. And he goes, no, man, I don't think you're understanding what I'm saying is like's like we're trying to be your friend, and you're not being friends to any of us.

And we all like you, and we understand that you don't trust anyone, but we just want to be your friend. And I was like, it was the first time I was an adult. I was like, okay, I'll be your friend. And then we all got really close. Honestly, people talk all the time about, like, how once you're out of school, like, meeting people, getting friends is so awkward. And as you do meet on the Internet, you just talk to someone at the bar. So like, it is tough as an adult to fuck someone. Absolutely.

Make friends with someone. Thousand percent. That's very cool that Joe and I do that too. Cause that's something that like, I, there are people who are like, I'd like to be friends with. I'm never going to say that. And like, even if I know they're in a bad place, I'm like, I don't, I'm not coming. I don't want to, I don't want to get involved.

I don't want to make it worse. Whatever it may be. That's Joe, man. He holds his friendships near and dear, and he's very protective of his friends, and he's very like almost like big brother-y sometimes. Yeah. Like he'll definitely hit you up. If you're fucking up in some way, Joe will reach out to you and go,

hey, man, just so you know, you just posted all your tour dates and said you're walking out the door and you'll be gone for 10 days. That's leaving your wife and kids alone to the internet. Don't put that shit out there. And you're like, I didn't see it that way. Sorry. Right. So, like, he's a great guy.

He really is a great guy. I forget what I was talking about before this. But, yeah. The surfing stuff. So, Joe reached out to Kelly Slater and, like. Oh, dude. Oh, I know what I was going to tell you. When we were talking about running the marathon, I said I had a treadmill,

and everyone was like, that's not real running. Running on a treadmill doesn't count. You need to run on the road. Or there's this aerosol fitness treadmill that's like $5,000. It's really expensive, but it's the only treadmill you should use. And then I go home, and like three days later, there's one at my front door. The people heard Joe say that, and then they were like yo we'll send you one yeah oh dude i mean you guys haven't paid for anything and you know how long just the trickle down of like people who you know

are fans it's that's and no one wants money back they're just fans and they want to help in your like go hey man i heard men's health like heard you on rogan talking about wanting to do a triathlon we'd love to track you and you're like all right, hey, man, I heard you on Rogan talking about wanting to do a triathlon. We'd love to track you. And you're like, all right. And so, yeah. This motherfucker. God damn it. How do –

Dude, I got a free pair of sneakers here that I didn't even ask for. And the company's like, why did you tweet them? I'm like, I didn't ask for these sneakers. I don't want them. You just sent them to me. What, you want me to pay for these now? I didn't ask for them. Dude, then you get weird shit like someone sent me a backpack that carries weights

and I was like, what's this for? They're like, so you can get ready whenever you pack out elk. And I go, I don't hunt. I don't ever pack out elk. Let alone if I did, I wouldn't bring it out myself. I'd pay someone to do it. When you pack

out elk, I don't have an elk. I don't even know what that means. What does pack out elk mean? Just pack all the meat up, walk away with it. You kill it, then you cut it up, and then you put it in your backpack and you walk it out. You train for that. You have to put like 100 pounds. Well, that's some roguish shit, right?

He would do that, right? So that's probably why they do it. He does the hills with those backpacks on. That's wild. He is truly a savage. But you guys need that competition shit in here. Bizarre competition. You know what the problem is? You guys are friends. Everybody here is backstabbing

and girly and catty and competition and rivalry. So then these things are not fun. Like I saw Ari posted, it was some sort of the heart rate thing, I think, like numbers that were for your workout. And he was like, damn, like, good job. I think he was talking to maybe Tom or you. He was like, I didn't think either of us would be at the top.

Like, cool, good job. That would never happen to you. It's like, fuck you. I'm better than you. I'm funnier than you. So those competitions aren't so fun. You guys really, though, I mean, it's, I think the most important part of podcasting is, like, the relatability and the realist.

Like, when you said you were listening to your friends. And when you, when people are friends, it's so obvious. You know, you can have chemistry. Like, well, this will be fine. But we're not, like, friends yet. You can tell people are, like, boys and they're talking. I like how he added, yeah. We're on the way.

We're on the way. I like that. We're on the way. We can get fucked up tonight, guys. Hey, let's go. Are you guys coming to the show at the town hall? I can't tonight. I got my kids tonight.

How old are your kids? Two and one. Oh, you're brand new to it. Yeah, I'm in the thick of it right now. Fuck that. Yeah, I'm watching them tonight, so. Fuck that. You know what? They're good kids. Like, you're brand new to it. Yeah, I'm in the thick of it right now. Fuck that. Yeah, I'm watching them tonight, so. Fuck that. You know what?

They're good kids, like, knock on wood. They're easy right now, so. They're easy, but you got boys or girls? I got youngest is a boy, oldest is a girl. Yeah. Mine are 14 and 12. Yeah, so you're pretty open on, like, your Instagram, like, with your family. And I kind of went down that road, too, and now I'm going through a divorce,

and so it's messy because everyone got to know my family and then she got fucked up. So I feel like you kind of got to make your choice like am I going to let my family into this or let them into my family really or am I going to keep it private? Did you think about that or you were just like I am who I am?

No, Instagram was around before I was, I wouldn't say I'm famous, but before I had any success. You've been doing it. I was using Instagram and Facebook for the same reason other people use it. Yeah. Like to show my friends I grew up with, this is what my kids look like. This is what my wife looks like.

Right, right. Hey, we're having fun. Now all of a sudden, I mean, how many followers you got? You got to be dripping in them, man. Yes, and so now I look at my Instagram and I'm like, God, I wish I had never posted so many pictures of my kids. And then it's like you can't go through and delete them all. That's when people go, whoa, what's going on?

Yep, yep. Yeah, 610,000 followers now. But, I mean, it's like I feel like part of my success has been like I'm open and relatable. But then when shit goes wrong, it's like, well, now I wish I didn't do any of that. I wish I kept it all just jokes and you know i i am very open and honest especially in stand-up about my kids and so and so like you know my daughter's got their periods and i shared it on conan like i was like am i because my old my youngest my oldest got hers and melted down and my youngest got hers and threw herself a period party. I thought it was so fucking funny.

Yeah. Well, it's a period party. I mean, I get the gist of it, but how is it celebrated? Are there decorations and things like that? You're getting close. Yeah. A red velvet cake. Yeah, buddy.

You write the name of your period on a cake. Everyone only eats red stuff. We were drinking red wine. Everyone dresses in red. And they invite a couple boys. Love it. And don't tell the boys why they're there. And that's like the female empowerment shit.

And I thought it was fucking brilliant. That's amazing. I work it out as a bit on the road, and then Conan's like, hey, you want to do the show to promote your specials or anything new you're working on? And I tell the period party story. And then all of a sudden, it goes, I mean, viral. Like, the last couple days, it's gotten 19 million views. What? And all of a sudden, goes i mean viral like the last couple days it's gotten 19 million views

and you and all of a sudden you're like fuck that's when it comes back to roost with my daughters where they're like really like they saw it on conan but you know it's like tv comes and goes that's fine viral but man viral sticks around and it's like and i'm oh dude i shit on my kids so much yeah Yeah, of course. Of course. They're your fucking kids. They're awful. They're terrible. What the fuck are you going to do?

I never understood comics would go on stage and just, like, promote their family and be like. My kids are great. Yeah. I'm like, oh, come on, man. You lying motherfucker. Get the fuck out of here. My kids got fucked up teeth. Your kids are really that perfect?

Yeah. And, like, i never trusted comics who celebrated their wives on stage because i was like even more funny because i go bro i know that motherfucker cheats i know he cheats oh i got the best wife i got the best wife and i was like it's like what kind of what comic goes on stage and says how big his dick is yeah it's like dude that's that's not what's funny that's not our art form. You're covering something up. And so yeah, I shit on my wife, my kids, my whole family. And you know what? That's like

he's a family man. He fucking loves them. He must love them. Wow, he called his wife a fucking idiot. Said it's really hard to beat her with a mop. Well, one of the bits from your latest stand-up was any girl worth dating has a

touch of cunt? A hint of cunt. A hint of cunt. Which is the truest thing. I've resonated a lot with that set, but that one in particular, I was like, just thinking back all my girlfriends, I don't regret dating any of them. All of them had a good

dash of it. There's a sprinkle. And a pinch. And I a sprinkle and I love it I love it about my wife, my wife is a definite cunt and like I'd tell her that to her face and then run I'm gonna run for 10 days, see ya I've seen her flex her cunt to people

where you're like oh shit you didn't realize what you just stepped in you stepped in. You stepped in some cunts, son. It's all over your foot. Welcome to the terror dome, man.

That's very funny. Flex or cunt. Dude. I love what my wife does. It are the one, the, the best is our friend in this special. I tell our friend about our friend,

Lynn Grusin, who's a cunt. I get the whole joke is I, I've very shortened it, but Isla, my oldest, was saying cunt at the top of her lungs at a lazy river in Palm Springs. And me and Eric Grusin and Stephen Frumkin walked up to her. I was like, baby, you can't say that word. She goes, why not? I said, it's a horrible word. She goes, what's it mean?

I was like, you don't even know what it means? She goes, no, I heard some kids say it. It's just a fun word. It's how it is, yeah I said, it's a horrible word. She goes, what's it mean? I was like, you don't even know what it means? She goes, no, I heard some kids say it. It's just a fun word. It's a fun word to say. I was like, you got that right. You could make a career off it. She goes, tell me what it means. And I go, well, let's go ask Eric's wife. She's one. She'll tell you. And I thought that was so funny. And I was like, I'm going to say

that on stage this weekend. And Eric's like, definitely run that by Lynn. Like don't don't want to call her cunt without her permission so that night at dinner we're all at dinner we're all drinking i go lynn i have a joke i think i'm gonna say on stage where i call you the c word would that be a problem it's like no why would it and i was like are you sure and everyone at the table's like because you kind of are one and she's like what it's a joke it's not really. And she's like, what? It's a joke. It's not really a joke, yeah. And we're like, yeah, it's a joke, yeah.

And I said to her husband, which I use in this special, I go, I feel like the kid from The Sixth Sense. She doesn't know, does she? But she's got attacked by a dog. Jesus Christ. See, they can smell it. They know. What a twist

that was anyway she's got eaten speaking of six cents twist twist ending there she did I swear to god it's not funny

but she did everybody else is like pet my belly scratch my butt jump final cut it is so cause like when you hang out when your girlfriend Everybody else is like, pet my belly, scratch my butt, jump. Fido, cunt! It is so, because when your girlfriend has a dash of cunt in her,

it's like when you hang out with someone who's really, we were the tough guy, and you're like, dude, we're good in this bar, because my boy's here. Oh, yeah. We're fine. I got the muscle behind me. The girlfriend is fucking way tougher than him, and you're like, if they cook my food wrong, she's going to take care of this for me. Yeah, you have those moments. Someone tries to cut me in line, she's got my if they cook my food wrong she's gonna take care of this for me. Someone tries to cut me in line, she's got my back. She's gonna step in and take care of this.

I'd be a little pussy about it. I had those moments where our flight reservation got mixed up and she gets on the phone and I hear the guy giving her a hard time and it's like, oh, you stepped in cut. You don't know what's about to happen.

Did you ever hear Patrice O'Neal's joke about dating a black woman? No. He goes, oh. He goes, I've had to unleash my girlfriend on a guy. He goes, I walked in. I just wanted an upgrade on my cell phone. That's all I wanted was an upgrade. I'm fucking this bit up. It's so good.

I just wanted an upgrade on my cell phone. That's all I wanted. And the guy was like, nah, nah. And he's like, dude, see this right here? And he's like, my chick's got a hood on her head just going. Had to let her off the leash. He goes, when I left, I had two new cell phones. My mom, like, makes a show out of it.

My mom, like. Oh, they love it. My mom, like. Everyone, you know, I gotta call in for a hotel reservation. Everyone wanna come listen? Yeah. Put it on speaker.

Get him, mom! My mom's actually retired from it. My mom's retired from the game. She's a retired cunt. She was like, I changed my ways. Like, I need to calm down. Her main thing,

her main thing, Bert, was when we go to Home Depot. You know when you're leaving Home Depot and they have to check your receipt? My mom hung up her gun! She did. She hung up her gun. When they have to

check your receipt at Home Depot to make sure you're not stealing anything, she just felt so offended by that that they were accusing her of thievery, and she would just keep walking. And then she would make us do it, too. She'd be like, don't you pick up that lumber and keep walking. And one day one guy, I think it was actually my brother, the fucking checker, grabbed my brother, and she be like, don't you pick up that lumber and keep walking. And one day, one guy, I think it was actually my brother, he,

the fucking checker, grabbed my brother and she was like, don't you touch my kids. Police had to come the whole fucking night. And I'm sitting there like, just let him check

the fucking receipt, mom. Such a cunt. But she's changed her ways now. She's going to be mad about that one. We wanted to edit that one. I'll still do it like, my mom was like my bodyguard. I'm talking about the one. We wanted to edit that one. I'll still do it. My mom is my bodyguard. My mom handles my finances.

Mama bear. There's not a lot there. I'm like a child. There's a bank account up in Boston where I'm from that I'll put money in that I can't even have access to. I'll have to call my mom and be like, Mom, can I have money, please? If anything goes wrong,

I had a credit card that I hadn't paid off in college, I didn't know about, and I was just like tired of making the calls. And I'm like, Mom, can you call them for me? It's like, I got this. I got it. Don't worry about it. They love it. She knows.

Yeah. She's like Creed, just punching the fucking wall in the back. Call me in. Call me in. They like the flex. They love doing it. One of the other bits you did regarding your family, you were at a parent teacher conference.

Oh yeah. That's a true story. Beer in hand. True story. So it was not so rocked over, obviously. Yeah, that was,

I had gone out, I had gone out. There was a period of time where we were all living in one, in one room because we were renovating our house. And so, and I was, and I, I want to say say like i just started really working at the store like really going in every night i'd gone i'd gotten dropped off by joey diaz and i was super fucking high and super drunk and i went to bed and i woke up like early my wife's like we got a parent-teacher conference today. I'm like, I'm not in the right headspace.

Like, I'm still high, still drunk. She's like, no, man up, pony boy. Get some fucking caffeine in you. Let's go. And then you can come back and go to bed. And I was like, all right, so get a cup of coffee, grab two Diet Cokes, throw them in my pockets. Kill the coffee before you get on campus

because you can't even have, this is, by the way, a sidebar to this story. You're not allowed to have hot coffee on campus. That's why I had the two Diet Cokes. You can't – so afraid you're going to burn a kid. Oh, man. Are we really at that level? No hot coffee on campus.

Can't have hot things anymore? I don't know. The teachers must fucking hate that. Dude, I think the teachers are allowed, but no parents were allowed on campus with hot coffee. That seems a bit much, but – Get into the middle of the meeting, and they're talking about holding Isla back. My youngest is dyslexic. And I'm just like, I'm already tapped out emotionally.

I'm like, I don't want to listen to this. And I crack one of the Diet Cokes and touches my lips, and I realize it's a Coors Light. That's super can, gotcha. I have no idea how that feeling. I said it in the special. It's one of my favorite lines. It's like a finger in your ass in an orgy. You got to decide what man you are real quick.

Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it? And I pushed back into it and I killed that fucking Coors Light. I killed it. I killed it. And I had to. I had to. Because I couldn't put it on the table, right? I just murdered it and then crushed it and put it in my pocket.

My wife's like, what the fuck? And then I said to them, they're like, we're going to hold her back. She's dyslexic. I think I leave this out of the bit. But I said, no joke. I said, can we just teach her Braille? They're like, what? I go, she's dyslexic.

Her eyes don't work. Can we just teach her Braille? And they're like, we're not teaching you. And my wife's like, are you fucking drunk? And I'm like, what? I go, she's dyslexic. Her eyes don't work. Can we just teach her Braille? And they're like, we're not teaching your, and my wife's like, are you fucking drunk? And I'm like, yeah. Can we teach her Braille? It's a matter of fact I am. I go, and then I'm, but I'm not even joking. And they go, we're not teaching your daughter Braille.

And I go, okay, let's just work this backwards. She can't read. Her eyes do not work. What would you do if you had a blind kid? And they're like, we give them audio books. I go, can we give her audio books?s and they're like i guess we could do that watch this this is how true that story is hey do you remember when i told isla's uh iep teachers that we should teach her braille yes i told you all right i'll call you back baby

i love you. Okay, bye. Shout out to Ms. Stranger. What a fucking time. And she does voice memos on her phone and takes pictures with the thing. Dude, I fucking changed the game. I was like, I can't believe I had to come in here drunk and high to figure out how to teach my fucking kid. You beat reading. You've eliminated reading.

That's fucking genius. I really do think Braille might be the key For the future For the future of America Yeah I actually I basically had That same thing Happen to me

When I was a kid And my mom was like Packing lunches One of my most Shameful moments The fact What I did was My mom

Packing lunches And she's I don't know Tired or whatever In the morning We had Remember like Some of the fridges

That used to have Maybe they still do Where like It's like a can, like a vending machine. Like a dispenser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dispenser, there's the word. And we don't have Diet Cokes in it, like you. And I guess my dad just put his beers in it one time. So one morning she's

packing up lunches and she just kind of grabs the can. Oh, shut the fuck up. So I get, I was probably in like second grade. I get to school and I had a pear had been like mashed into the top of the can. So I'm like cleaning pear off the top and I look at it and I was like, wait, this is a beer.

And instead of drinking the beer like a normal second grader would, I went and ratted my mom out to the principal. My mom gave me beer for lunch today. Speaking of parent-teacher conferences, we gotta talk, Mrs. Feidelberg.

My mom got in trouble in elementary school more than I did. That's a much better story than mine. I would, because the visual ends with just a second grader

cracking a beer and just taking a sip and going, fucking curse it. Cursive's kicking my ass. Oh. I love it, man. I don't want to give

too much more away. We've been talking about the special a bit, but I do have one bone to pick with you from the latest stand-up. I believe you said that girl-on-girl porn is the holy grail of porn. Yeah, that's where you learn the most. I think I wholeheartedly disagree, sir. What's your favorite?

What's your... My favorite? I could talk about porn for hours. I've been doing it For years That's what this podcast is I talked I've talked about

We used to Asa Akira used to be Our co-host Oh for real Yeah We had like a two year Stint with her Awesome I never really

Jerked off to her There's a guy I watch Fuck Owen Gray Yeah Tattoo throws me off I want Dude

First of all. I can't believe we are talking about Owen Gray. We could do this for days, my friend. We talked about this recently. You were like, you can't understand how depraved you are. Like, I'm searching dudes nowadays. Yeah, dude. You go with male porn stars.

What's Manuel up to? So I talk shit about him on my solo podcast. Yeah. I didn't talk shit, but I was like, I watched him one week and I was like, I couldn't stop reading the guy. Like his legs are fucking fascinating. I'm looking at all his tattoos, his scarring, and he's got a great dick on him. And he really, fuck, he's got weird style pants on for a little while.

What the fuck? Is that really? What about yours so and then and then i said i go on my podcast i was like i was like i i i go first of all i don't think his dick's that big i think he's just a small guy and big proportional yeah it's all proportional if i had that piece on me it would look regular but he's a small guy and i got a fucking dm from him yo Yo, I'm 6'2". I'm going to share it with you. That's amazing. It's a hammer. Trust me.

It's got to be... I'll read it. He's got the fucking... He's got the tattoos. He's got the other one. Is his arm right or is the leg that's just black? It's his arm. His leg goes like black to letters. That's so fucking... You know how closely I've looked at this motherfucker's dick

It used to be pierced You can tell, I can tell too I can tell too You took it out? Owen Gray, wow he must be going viral right now He's got 640 Owen in Gray's Anatomy

Apparently something's going on with Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, Owen Grey was one. I love to find porn. See, all of this you don't get with Girl on Girl. Oh, there's one porn I saw. It's a guy fucks girl on mountaintop. Recently? Like it's like a...

It's kind of been making the rounds on Pornhub recently because I feel like I've seen that. Probably. Here's why I got into it, right? Is I like all the other backstories I'm a huge story guy big time plot guy the interviews and the talking beforehand I don't know sometimes I don't even make it to the fucking I said uh I was like so you get what the video is a girl like beautiful mountaintop in like Switzerland and they. And they're at altitude. Like, they're at legit altitude, right? Base camp.

Like, no joke. And then she, like, kind of drops her pants. And then she, like, gets on her knees. And you look at the soles of her shoes. And you're like, that's telling a story. You're like, this girl does hike a lot. She pronates, but she hikes a lot. These are legit hiking shoes, right?

She's wearing, normally they wear outfits to fuck. She's wearing her legit hiking shoes right she's wearing normally they wear outfits to fuck she's wearing her legit hiking shoes to fuck and then the guy comes in and he starts fucking her in the ass and all i can think is i want to watch the videotape of them walking down the mountain because you know she's gonna be like oh oh fuck and then i thought i want to see the tape of them going up what a what a fucking rapey walk up a hill to go like, oh, so I guess once we get up there, you're going to just fuck me in the ass? Yep. She is definitely trying to fix the relationship.

I've gotten into some weird points. That's the treat, man. Your treat's at the end of the day. We'll get to the top. We'll fuck. Oh. I wanted to bring a tent and sleep up there. My wife would never let me fuck her at the top of a mountain.

I don't think anybody's wife would. Have you ever come across a porn that you've watched before and you're like halfway through, you're like, shut the fuck up. I've seen this before. I thought it felt familiar. God. I hate the porn. Several times. I hate that Pornhub

now tells you what they think you'll like and you're like, easy. Recommended for you is like looking in the mirror times a million. It's like, really? That's what the algorithm, the fucking Pornhub billionaire company churned out for me? Fuck. You know what I love about Pornhub? I don't know if I've ever said this.

I recently went to Portugal. And when you're over there, you know where it says popular in the United States? They switched it over. They know where you are. It's popular in Portugal. And when you're over there, you know where it says popular in the United States? They switched it over. They know where you are. It's popular in Portugal. And a little culture. Yeah. So this is what

the Portuguese bought. Wait, can I switch it up on this and go, I went out of the United States. I want to see what's going on in Chechnya. I don't know. I don't know if you want to see that.

Maybe you do. I don't judge. I don't judge. Have you jerked off to Muslim porn? I mean, like ISIS porn? Like, or just Arab women? The girls in the hijab.

Yeah, there was that one with, what's her name? I'm not opposed to it. Mia Khalifa got in trouble for doing that. Mia Khalifa did one, yeah. Yeah, she had ISIS coming at her. And her stepmom, fuck a motorcycle rider, she sucks his dick on his dick table. I've seen it. Yeah, so to answer

your question, that's... Mina Khalifa never really got... No. There's certain porn stars... I actually don't like her because she claims she was the number one porn star.

She still is, but she's not. It's like, you're not. You're fake. You're phony. You're not down in the trenches doing real porn.

You're not... I think you can't be allowed to call yourself a porn star until you've done a gangbang. Fact. And Mia Khalifa's never even done anal. I was going to say. She's never done anal?

You certainly have to do anal. To be called a porn star, you have to do anal. Mia Khalifa is a big fan of Florida State, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and now she tries to be like a sports blogger. I'm like, just do it, do anal, and then we'll talk. Yeah.

And you can be a sports blogger, but first, let's see anal. It's like they had those clips of, like, topless people delivering the news, and you're like, hey, just eat each other's pussies. Right. Trust me, that's not getting the fucking news. I'm not here for the news, ladies.

And they think just to eat her pussy? All right, perfect. This is, like, kind of reminds me, or not reminds me, but a voicemail. We have, like, people calling with voicemails, and we don't have to listen to it, but? All right, perfect. This kind of reminds me, or not reminds me, but a voicemail. We have people calling with voicemails, and we don't have to listen to it, but the one is,

would you rather have your Google search history always go, your porn search history always go public, or you can never use Google? Say that again? So say anytime you search PornHub

or you search Google, you search for Indiana porn. Your search history. It basically tweets it out itself. It's like, this is what Bert just Googled. Okay. Or you never get to use Google ever. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'd never use Google ever. Really? You don't want to? No, no, no. The stuff I, I mean, I mean, I make a joke about it, but there was a period where I was into quicksand porn. I'm not kidding. What does that mean?

Go on. Have you seen quicksand porn? No. I'm absolutely going to pull this up right now. It was, uh, do the one, the girl with the red tops, the sexy one. I'm probably going to do whatever comes up first, to be honest. It's hard to find, man. Is it on?

No, I was going to say Quickshamporn. Is it on Pornhub? Yeah, but the ones on Pornhub aren't that great. There's only a couple good ones that I found. There's some guys that are. Holy shit. Yeah. It's a girl walking through the woods.

All of a sudden she's like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. So you're into like, I'm almost going to die sort of thing. And then she just disappears. And that's the part where I don't understand where she goes. Like magic. Like she's underway. Like she's holding her breath for like, it's dude, it's fucking.

And you think it's all real. It's not like, it's not like. Now that I mentioned it somewhere on something, probably on Rogan's podcast, and people started sending me legit artists who do quicksand porn. There's a whole subgenre of sinkers.

I mean... Yes, that's what they call each other. They've got sinker spots where you can find... Is this worthy? Would you consider this? This is a pretty good one by the way i'm gonna race back to my room but what it is i love the signs it's like don't walk

quicksand this one isn't that good usually this is like a mud bath this is not true quicksand i have never i thought i'd seen yes i have never had someone be like, hey, have you seen this? And I've been like, I've never had this happen. You are. I'll show you my favorite one ever. Please do. This is called, I'm sure you know it, but maybe you don't know it the way I know it. Downblousing.

Downblousing. Okay, so. I'm just getting schooled right now. This is why it's so fucking interesting. Yeah, I am embarrassed. This is why it's so fucking interesting. Is down blousing is ultimately the thing that makes it hot is there's connective tissue into your real life. It's just a woman in a loose fitting top, not wearing a bra, cleaning a toilet and talking to the camera like she's your wife and she's boring the fuck out of you. But looking at you and you see a little side tit. It's like upskirt. It's a video of a woman just cleaning being like so later i thought my mom

would come over and then and then do you and then you see a little bit of a tit action you're like oh dude i've had we i did a radio show one time with my buddy cowhead and we were like and we were like um we had girls they had girls come in and see who could down blouse us the best meaning they get in a loose top they lean forward they pretend to clean and who could hold the most interestingly inane conversation with us while we just looked at their tits it was fucking i was gonna say that is living the dream i was it was like the greatest thing i've ever done in my i was like and these girls are like trying to win concert tickets or whatever, and everyone got concert tickets.

And we were like, I was like, I'll buy her concert tickets right now. We're not cheating, but we're definitely getting great. It's like, and what happens is when I'm at home, my wife's like doing the dishes, and she's wearing this Guns N' Roses shirt, and you just come in from the side, and you see it, and you're like, oh, there's tigers in this woods. Man, you are a funny motherfucker. I have a podcast where I do what's called Open Tabs, where I leave all the tabs open to my Safari browser,

and then I just go through and I close tabs one by one by one, right? And I tell you what I learned, and I share the stuff I find interesting. Brilliant. This week on it, I have – and by the way, it's kind of a way to steal content, but David Spade told a story of getting attacked by his assistant. Have you ever heard the story? No.

We gotta get Spade in here. Dude, I don't know if he'll tell it, but he told it on Kevin Nealon's podcast, and I just played the whole fucking clip. It's that fucking good. It's a crazy story. The guy tasered him in the middle of fucking night. You never heard it? No. Dude, it's that fucking good it's a crazy story the guy tasered him in the middle of fucking night you never heard it no dude it's i mean assistant dude it's fucking insane anyway but

i find shit on there that you're just like that you get into and then you're like i can't i'm obsessed with it now like there were these guys scuba diving into sinkholes in florida and it was just fucking i i was i just got into a spiral, the one spiral I did not see coming was flash floods. There's this guy. Wait, is that porn too? No. Close. There's this guy in Arizona or Utah, I think, and he's a flash flood chaser.

So what he does is he gets in front of a flash flood. He sees it raining over there, and he gets in a valley he knows is going to flood. And he waits for it, and then he films it it and he runs with it and tracks the flood and it is fucking mesmerizing it is so good but the best video he has is out with his buddy and his friend his buddy and his girlfriend and you know deep down inside they look like the kind of people where you sure his buddy was probably like are we running a train on your girlfriend like like just weird shaped facial hair you know and his girlfriend almost gets eaten up by the flash flood because he's in the busy filming it dude it's i i was started why i couldn't stop watching flash floods open tabs a brilliant idea open tabs yeah i i wish it was i want to do it on facebook yeah

you got a video video aspect would be That kind of seems like a game. It wasn't really a drinking game, but it was a game we'd play in college when we were waiting to go out. We'd get two Wikipedia topics, and you had to like – Connect them. Yeah, you had to connect them. Like six degrees type shit. Click through links to get to the other one, and you'd always like read the page on it. Oh, yeah.

So like quicksand porn and like – Barbra Streisand. Pam Anderson and the Chicago Blackhawks. I played this. I played yeah. So, like, quicksand porn and, like, Barbra Streisand. Pam Anderson and the Chicago Blackhawks. I played this. I played this. Yeah, I played this. I would always pull up porn on my open tabs, and we just blur it out or whatever. Because I put the video right here, I put it on YouTube.

Ari Shafir and I were going to do one where we looked at each other's browsers. Because that's where it gets, like, because when you go into someone's browser and you go, and that's how it initially started out, is I was nashville with two comics and i said let me see your phone i'm gonna go through and and i'll ask you questions of shit you've googled and you just tell me why you googled it and what the answer is oh man that's like this is my this is mine right here let's see i don't know what's worse Is it the porn stuff or just the stupidity? You know what I mean?

How to spell dedicated. Oh, I have porn open right now. Aaron Hernandez. I'm all over Aaron Hernandez. I'm listening to his podcast right now. Down and blousing. Tallest basketball player. Have you seen the 7'7 kid playing hoops in Ohio? He's a fucking freak. And lifting weights, kinda.

Woodway treadmill. Hillbilly elegy. Ordered a cheesesteak. Ooh, these people want to sponsor me. Who's that? Neva Nude. Nice. Yeah, they do pasties. Oh, because you always pop the top off.

Yeah, they want to give me pasties. That's free money. How did that come about? You just took your shirt off one time and everybody loved it, so you just keep doing it? I took it off one time. I used to take it off, kill a beer and then put it back on. I could just rip it off and murder a beer. It's like when I was young on the road and I just...

You never knew that you had to keep writing hours. You could just go do an act. And then one time I was in Columbus and I ripped it off and I kept it off and I went to put it on. I forget the middle of the show. I was like, oh fuck, I never put my shirt on. And this woman just goes, keep it off. And I was like, oh, okay. And I put it on. I forget the middle of the show. I was like, oh, fuck. I never put my shirt on. And this woman just goes, keep it off. And I was like, oh, okay.

And I kept it off. And someone said, I can't believe you did your whole show shirtless. Didn't want another comic. I was like, really? And they're like, dude, I've never seen anyone do that. And in a weird way in my head, I thought, what I'll do is I'll work with my shirt off, right? Because it's harder to get laughs when you look disgusting. And then when I go to do a special, I'll throw the shirt on,

and all my material will be so strong because I did it shirtless that with a shirt it will be seamless. But then I go to do the special, and I realize I haven't worked with a shirt on in seven years. No, you're just not. So now I'm like, I'm not going to put a shirt on for the first time when I do a special. And Showtime was like, we think it's a horrible idea for you

to do it with a shirt off. That's unbelievable. But then that machine story went viral, and because it went viral and I was shirtless, immediately the connective tissue was, oh, this is the shirtless guy. It was great inadvertent branding, you know? Yeah, I mean, it's like a calling card, you know what I mean? Yeah, but the part that makes Segura laugh hysterically is he's like, you're going to have to do that until you're 60.

Here we go, everybody. Hey, God willing, right? Yeah. It's a good problem to have if you're 60 and still doing it. I can't have open heart surgery. There's a lot of scars. There's a lot of things I think about. You're going to get a tattoo?

I can't get a tattoo. You can't get a tattoo. You got to keep it. I had these white supremacists that were fans. This was way before white supremacy was even as popular. Hot in the streets. Well, it used to be really popular. And then it kind of took a hit for a while.

Now it's on the rise. I didn't know these guys were white supremacists. But they were, like, coming to a lot of my shows. This is back when I was a younger comic as well. And they were all recovering white supremacists. They had been in. They were the guys that threw the chair at geraldo that's what they said and uh claim to fame they owned a tattoo parlor in like

virginia and i was like i feel like i should get a tattoo and one of the guys was like nope i was like really he goes nope it would ruin your act all i'd be looking is that goddamn tattoo don't ever get a tattoo and I was like sure do you have a lot of tattoos? and that's when I saw the swastikas cool man, awesome I'm going to back out of here please don't ever come to my shows again

why are you guys fans again? can you tell me what jokes you like? without looking in the mirror moments it's White's purpose being like I like you man that's when you without looking in the mirror moments it's white supremacist being like I like you man yeah that's ah shit

that's when you gotta make your decision like hey well the cash is green man ticket to ticket seat to seat white supremacist buy sneakers too

white supremacist buy sneakers alright man we really appreciate you coming through this is great stuff so we got Ari I gotta get Tom Segura in here.

And then maybe we'll think about Joe. Maybe we'll let Joe on. But you guys, I honestly think you as like a rap pack almost. Like a modern day rap pack of podcasting. Wait, who's who? I'm definitely Dean. Yeah. Because I'm the drunk one.

Ari is Sammy. This actually works. It does. I get Joe Sinatra. Yep. And then Tom is the other guy. Joey Lawrence. Yeah.

He's got the other one. I'm not sure. Whoa. Joey Bishop. All right, dude. Thank you so much. Oh, so wait. Yeah, we got to tell the people. So you got the Body Shots World Tour.

So you are going. I mean, shit, you're busy. You're gone forever, huh? Seattle, Toronto, Ottawa, Durham, Charlotte, Orlando, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale, New Orleans, Milwaukee. I mean, the list goes on and on. We just added a bunch. We added like 20 new shows, and then we just added 11 new shows,

all second shows. So if your show sold out, like if you try to get tickets and it's sold out, we've added a second and a third. And in Boston, I think we're adding a fifth, I think. Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude, I'm so. You're fucking shaking, huh? Yeah, you're rich.

Fuck you, man. I'm getting a fucking tour bus. Yeah. Oh, dude, I'm getting a tour bus. Fuck flying. I'm on a tour bus from January until fucking June. We did an RV type of thing just just treat it nice just because when there's nothing worse than when you're stuck on a shitty rv

keep that tour bus i'm sure yours will be nice so you don't have to worry too much but that's the life that's that john madden life man you're just cruising around i cannot but you know how much you know expensive it is how much drop a number uh i'll. I'll tell you exactly how much it is because you can go and find out. You can just Google it. Google it. It's like $10,000 a week.

Wow. Oh, shit. Sometimes it's more expensive. It's never less expensive. Are you doing that for content? You're sick of flying and you're more comfortable on the bus? I wish I had an entity like this where I could produce content, send it in, and have it get it edited. But I have to do all the editing myself.

I'm thinking about bringing a producer out. I'm thinking about a lot of things. The content would be fucking insane. You should do it with us. You should maybe give us a little bit of the money, and we'll do that for you. That's what we do. Dude, I would utilize a place like this. Yeah.

Places like this are fucking invaluable. Yeah, some of these guys, they can do some cool shit with video. Yeah. You know? All sorts of content. Because I've been on a travel channel for fucking 10 years or eight years. I feel like I know how to shoot. I know how to do – I could go into anything I find interesting.

That's the other thing is I'd only want to shoot shit I find interesting. Yeah. Like things that I go, oh, really? Because that's where I think money is to be made is what you find – It's authentic and real. Yeah. It's like Bill Burr getting into this goddamn knockout. He was interested in that.

And because he's interested in it, I'm interested. That's so fucking bizarre. He was at the Garden last night, man. Did you go? Yeah. It was. It's incredible. I heard he came out with just fucking blazing.

Came in hot. Blazing me too. Came in hot, man. Like, nobody was safe last night. Really? I mean, he was going in on, man. Like, nobody was safe last night. Really? I mean, he was going in on first responders. I have never heard that. Oh, dude.

I was like, what the fuck is a first responder? I was like, ooh. I was like, don't do it now. And he's just laughing. He's just doing that laugh like, I don't give a fuck. Dude, did he do his bit about the military? Yep.

Oh, the fucking killing. Try it again.? Yep. Oh, the fucking kill me. Try it again. Try it again. I'm fucking trying again. Try it now. Oh, dude. Female broadcasters. He had me laughing.

We went to dinner, lunch the other day, and he had me laughing so hard. He was just going about the guy that got attacked by the bear, the documentary filmmaker. And he goes, not once did he be like, hey, go after her. Because his girlfriend was there the whole time. I would have been like, go over there, over there. Shoot her, shoot her. Dude, he is the funniest motherfucker. He really is.

And it just comes off so natural. Like a lot of the stuff when he was on our show, he was doing, we saw it come to life on stage. And I was like, it it's to watch how he operates i mean an arena is fucking crazy yeah a sold-out arena laughing legitimately the entire time like no lulls he will come over to my house sometimes smoke a cigar and just but you can his brain never fucking stops never stops and so you got to realize that when you're talking to him sometimes just because he has an idea that doesn't mean that's a collective bit you've got to realize that when you're talking to him, sometimes just because he has an idea, that doesn't mean that's a collective bit.

You've got to sit back and go like, I'm just going to watch him work. Dude, he's the best, man. I really think he's the best. I mean, he's the only guy that's gone on fucking Conan and been like, I believe in due process and got booed. It's crazy. He said last night at one point. He just goes, I remember evidence. And that was it.

Like the crowd laughed. He's like, I remember a time where you needed evidence to convict somebody. And it was just like so fucking real, man. He was, yeah, he put on a show. So thank you for coming through, man. Anytime, you know, you or the gang are in New York or need to push anything or if we, you know, any time you guys have someone comes out here that you want to have on like tommy or whatever and you need a hookup let me know i'll make sure to dial it in we'll do

thank you appreciate that i appreciate it guys thank you all right thank you very much to burt kreischer but also fuck you burt kreischer because now when i go to pornhub under my recommended for you oh you're all twisted up oh fucking jacked up which is that's you know you learn a lot about Because now when I go to Pornhub under my recommended for you. Oh, you're all twisted up. All fucking jacked up. Which is that, you know, you learn a lot about yourself when you check out your recommended for you. And I thought it was bad enough. Hold that mirror right up to your own face.

Yeah, oh, big time. And it's one of those like zoomed in mirrors with the lights. You see all like the blackheads and blemishes. That's what the recommended for you on Pornhub is. And that was before Bert Kreischer came in my life and now I just have chicks drowning in mud I have people fighting in quicksand I got all sorts of shit because Bert decided to drop that bomb into my life Bert just came through here and he just took a stick of dynamite like shoved it up my ass and ran away now my whole life is fucking exploded because not only is my Pornhubed up, but my brain is jacked up.

And I'm really starting to like wonder, like, what happens to those girls when they go underneath the sand? I've been watching it for like a week now. They probably just die, don't they? At the very least, at the very least, there's been someone who's accidentally died. Like, OK, listen, we're gonna let you go under for like five seconds so we're really gonna get them going because people are gonna think you actually died and then we'll throw you you know we'll get you and something's gone wrong and that person has died there's been at least one accidental maybe a couple on purpose deaths because of goddamn quicksand porn that's true i draw the

line somewhere man it's that it's that hopefully it's actually something a few lines before that but i do not judge anybody for getting off to what they want to get off on. I am judging you for that. Yeah. I mean, look, I don't even. It's a mess. It's dangerous. I inspected it.

Like, I know how to get out of quicksand. Because that was just something I learned as a kid. You lay flat, right? You float. You float, and then you wait for someone to throw you a rope or something like that. That's really... These chicks are going in vertical with no ropes. No ropes, no ropes.

By the way, you being like, I researched this, and I know how to survive it. It's hope that someone comes with a rope. That's a little ridiculous. Well, I mean, you can't crawl out of it. Yeah, you can't. You're right. I mean, quicksand's undefeated. Yeah.

Yeah. Father time is defeated, though. I hate that phrase. Why? Because it's not Brady? No, just because I think once someone passes what the regular age is, Father time lost thatated. Yeah. Yeah. Father Time is defeated, though. I hate that phrase. Why? Because it's not Brady? No, just because I think once someone passes what the regular age is, Father Time lost that game. That's true.

It's like, you know, they always move the goalposts here. It's like, Father Time's undefeated. Wait, wait. Yeah, eventually people are going to die. You're 110? Okay, we'll move that. Yeah. Eventually people will die.

It used to be like 27 was your prime. Now, if you're playing past 40, you beat Father Time. Right. That's fair. Fuck time. Fuck Quicksand porn. But thank you to Burt 40, you beat Father Time. All right. That's fair. Fuck time. Fuck quicksand porn. But thank you to Burt Kreischer. What an interview.

Today's episode was brought to you by Zip Recruiter. You want to go out there and find the best people for your job. That means you don't want to find people who mess around with quicksand. You don't want to find people who get tattoos of their sister. You don't want to mess with people who are getting tattoos on the first date. You want to weed out all these wackos and find the quality people to fill the job openings that you have in your important career, your family-owned business, or whatever it may be where you want to find the best of the best. ZipRecruiter is the smartest way to hire. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KFC to hire the right person.

It doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It has powerful matching technology that scans thousands of resumes, identifies people with the right skills, education, and experience, and then it actively invites them to apply to you so that you're not just sitting back hoping. You know that it's out there actively finding people,

connecting you, and making sure the qualified candidates come to you fast. It's number one rated by all the employers in the United States. And right now you can try it for free when you go to ziprecruiter.com slash KFC. That's the smartest way to hire and it's the smartest way to use ZipRecruiter. Go into ziprecruiter.com slash KFC. Just surrender cause you feel the feeling taking over. It's fire, it's freedom, it's blood and open. It's the picture and the pulpit and you find the potion.

There's something taking it to break your very wall. It's all in all that you know. So tell me, do you want to go? Where it's covered in all the gold and ice. Where the runaways are running the night.