KFC Radio - Bert Kreischer || We Are NOT Tyreek Hill

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

- Life is kicking the KFC Radio team in the a** - KFC gets compared to Tyreek Hill and that is where he draws the line - AITA - Jackie got kidnapped - Eyes closed podcast - Video Voicemails - naming athletes within time constraint - sex with Margot Robbie - what will we look back on thinking "That wasn't okay" - Bert Kreischer on Tom Segura's extravagant birthday presents, new business ventures that will make him a billionaire, Usain Bolt vs Joey Chestnut and much more +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Timecodes: 0:00 - Sometimes life kicks your a** 19:45 - Tyreek Hill comparisons 27:38 - AITA 32:00 - Jackie got kidnapped 53:11 - Video Voicemails 1:09:30 - Bert Kreischer Interview +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Schick: Find the razor for your unique style at https://barstool.link/SchickBSS Betterhelp: Go to https://barstool.link/BHKFC for 10% off your first month Novo: Sign up for your FREE business checking account right now at https://barstool.link/NovoKFC SXM: Subscribe now and get your first 3 months for free of the SXM App, visit https://barstool.link/SXMKFC to sign up.Offer Details apply Getupside: Download the FREE GetUpside App Now! Use Promo Code KFC for $5 or more on your first fill up!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/kfcr

Hey, KFC Radio listeners, you can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. That sound was incredible! Today's episode is brought to you by Schick, who is the presenting sponsor for the KFC Radio Blade Bet. We are coming down to the wire here. We are in the last 10 days or so of the month. We know at March 31st, on April 1st, we will know which of us has acquired the most subscribers for the KFC Radio YouTube channel. Well, we also one-upped it because we've added a full body shave.

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Jackie's going to try to produce this show while crying. Don't cry. It's okay to try to produce this show while crying. Don't cry! It's okay. This one's okay. This one is okay. He's such a loser, dude. What a fucking loser. How did you point that out?

Because you were on the verge of crying. If you weren't, I wasn't going to make you cry, but the tears were coming out of your eyes. It's okay. I'm good. It's okay. It's okay. It's absolutely okay. This one is totally okay.

This one's not. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's not that easy to delete all the ATI episodes ever off the server. This thing stops. This thing looks so good. All he did was delete one I do you weren't in here she they were we were all just talking she's at the computer and she went yeah she's just saying no trip no and I was like what was that yeah

I thought somebody died I thought I was like oh no yeah in my head I was like, what was that? I thought somebody had died. I thought. I was like, oh, no. In my head, I'm like, our Jackie's going to be out for a few weeks. She goes, yeah. And then it comes to her mouth. And I was like, what's wrong? And she's like, nothing. I'm sure nothing is wrong right now.

Oh, my God. He's making me feel better. Yeah, listen. There's a chance that we have deleted every answer the internet in the world has ever seen. That stuff doesn't bother me

as much as... Like the mics is more bothering. I don't know. There's a weird computer thing. I know she didn't take it and fucking drag it in the trash on purpose. A weird computer thing happens. A weird computer thing happens I know she didn't take it and fucking drag it in the trash on purpose. A weird computer thing happens.

A weird computer thing happens. I feel like I've done it. I've had enough. I guess I can't pinpoint any time I've done something like this. I've told enough lies that I did it. To teachers. Yeah, yeah. Nobody's actually deleted it.

But I feel like the world needs a little bit of slack. It's a fine line because it is such an easy thing to lie about that you can't let everybody get away with it. But there are times where it's just like, I don't know, man. The machine did something weird, and I can't fucking stop that. So when you know – like if – here's the thing. If I wasn't here, if she just like came back to us and said like they're all – I don't know. They just all happened to disappear. I'd be like, what the fuck really happened? But when I saw her go...

I know something weird happened because a normal human doesn't make that noise right away. So we'll see what happens. And plus we have Bert Kreischer on a card. At the very least, we have Bert Kreischer saved, which is obviously one of the most

important. Also Bert Kreischer on this episode We have Bert Kreischer saved Which is obviously One of the most important So Also Bert Kreischer On this episode today Bert Kreischer is back And I know I just Just fillate him Every time we talk about him

But he's just the best In the goddamn game Comes in and it's just like He's doing his own podcast He does other people's podcasts With the same like effort That he does his own And that's fucking admirable

Yeah yeah yeah That's a big difference maker in this industry. And he just takes over. I mean, how many words did we say? Like 10? Dude, I was going to address the fact that I am very tired. Feidelberg is more tired than I think I've ever seen anybody in the world. Dude, my eyes are trying to close.

I tried to send you home. You were so tired. I was like, just go. It's okay. They're like, it's, you know, you have to close. I tried to send you home. You were so tired. I was like, just go. It's okay. You have to close your eyes. You don't have to keep your eyes open. I'm working to keep my eyes open. You're reverse blinking.

Yeah. Imagine that. Everybody sit at home right now as you're listening or watching and open your eyes instead of blink and close. But I say all that to say that thank god we had birthday because it was an interview where i had to do something like that he just was just telling stories about his wife and and and his life i mean he he i thank god every day that we are even in the same industry as some of these people i kind of alluded to it last week on the kevin clancy show i was saying how

some of the people like when you look at the charts and you see some of the people. I kind of alluded to it last week on the Kevin Clancy show. I was saying how some of the people, like, when you look at the charts and you see some of the people who are around, they are, like, the most supremely talented comics in, like, ever, you know? And we're just are in the same conversation without any of the talent. That's because we're

fucking talented. You couldn't even say it with conviction. Yeah, yeah. I can't even lie about that and i'm like i'm happy that we're even in in the in the conversation because then when i listen to someone like bert he was like oh that was at my time at the travel channel when i was fighting sharks and this was the time that i fell off a mountain and broke my back and this is the time i'm filming my movie like they're doing crazy shit to talk about. You and I were just like, what happened yesterday? I don't know, something in my apartment broke.

You know what I mean? Like, we just live such a normal fucking life. I don't even know how we continue to fill the hours. Thank God you were molested a bunch of times and shit. Who knows? Without your history of abuse and Jackie, we wouldn't have shit to talk about. Let's start making her cry again. She's on the verge.

Let's see how many times we can get her to cry separately. Why are you? Because she's just an emotional ball right now. I just don't understand why you're crying. You know you're not in trouble, so why are you crying? No, I just like, I don't know. I just had like, I don't know. It just freaks me out.

I don't get it. just had like... I don't know. It just freaks me out. I don't get it. I'm joking. Normally, here's what I think. Also, normally I am on like anxiety medication and I've been off it and I just had a little panic attack. So you're off your meds. So I'm off my meds. Okay.

That makes a lot of sense. That clears things up. Yeah. That's really dick. That makes more sense. So yeah, when you're not on your meds. When you're not on your meds. I was going to have you explain the emotional aspect of women. It's already done.

But you're like medicine. It's pills that are not in my body. I can't do it in one word, medicine. I thought you'd be like, I'm on my period or something. Nope, just fucking. I'm also on my period. Congratulations for not being pregnant. that's always a plus um man that is she's it's if you're watching at home she's just right on the verge of crying at any given moment but it also shows uh you know like dedication to

the to the show yeah i care i do you do that i like well i even said to her i said like i i was like it's okay because i saw her like freaking out and i was like jackie it's okay like whatever whatever happens like where's kristina it's okay and she was like no it's not it's like oh okay i'm gonna get this but whatever maybe i shouldn't be your your dedication to paying rent this way. You don't give a fuck about this show. No, it isn't because I'll be out on the fucking streets. Yeah, we'll figure it out and if not, we'll come up with some

horrendously embarrassing punishment that you won't actually have to do. That's how the first one went. We'll make a rule that we won't enforce.

You get the picture. I'll wear the shirt. You haven't gotten the picture. Well, you haven't sat like Stephen Hawking. Well, that's not my fault. Well, okay. Pat, during this episode, make sure you sneak a picture of her while she's like half crying. No, I'm crying.

From the car trip that are pretty. Oh, I got a good one. Oh, when you were sleeping on tap? Yeah, you didn't like that sleep one. Yeah, you didn't like that one at all. Yeah. Yeah. That was the one when you looked at it, you were like,

why did you do this? I mean, I mean. Delete those pictures. None of you guys could be any less. No, not that one. Let me see that one. We won't do the shirt, but I have to be able to see it. I'm surprised you didn't sneaky delete it.

What is this? You look like a Muppet You look like a meme I can't place it It looks almost like the Kermit meme I mean it looks like I'm Oh I know I know I know what it is

While we do an awkward guy high five meme or something. I mean, it looks like I'm... Oh, I know. I know what it is. While we do an awkward guy high five. Oh, that was because she left you hanging. Yeah. Oh, I did? Yeah. Vights was like,

good job, and you just went 180, and I was like, I'm not going to leave you hanging, bro. This, you know, maybe... Yo, that is fucking hilarious. Well, now this picture has to be.

Are you going to die? Okay. Are you choking on a popcorn ship help I don't know dude not a little too hard yeah that sound was incredible. You want me to Heimlich you? That was just this little piece of a chip. In the throat?

I felt it when I laughed. I felt a little piece going when I inhaled. Everybody's crying on this episode. I've got to find a way to cry. I can't get it out. Is it like in your lungs? In your lungs? Can we talk about your yawn before?

Maybe I'll eat something. Oh, that's good. Just put more food in there. Push it down. This man just put another chip in his mouth. You're going to be the dumbest motherfucker alive. This makes sense, but push it down. Stop talking.

You're going to inhale again and fucking. You need like a smoothie. Something that's liquid but more force. Bro, you are a wreck right now, dog. You are. I haven't been to bed in three days. Four days. You haven't been to bed since before the fucking live shows.

Dude, so next week we'll have Carly Aquilino on the show. She just finished up her interview here. And as she was walking out john yawn yo sometimes life's just kicking your ass i was gonna say sometimes you know what this is i'm so happy this happened this is a super important episode of the podcast to to to the youth out there and to the people who are maybe going through it for the first time, there are times, there's a reason why the phrase, when it rains, it pours, exists. Because sometimes life just fucks you in the ass. Just straight up, no Vaseline, fucks you in the ass.

Down to, I can't even eat my chips right. And you just have to realize that, like, you'll probably get hit by a car when you walk out of the building, too. Like, when it goes left, it goes fucking left. And you've got to ride it out. And you almost have to, it's almost, I like when shit gets so bad because you almost throw your hands up and you're like this is not even my fault anymore this is like this is black magic the universe is just doing this to me and i just have to get fucked until i stop getting fucked and then i can resume like you know i'll try to figure it out but right now john you are going through it it is it is one

of the worst i've ever seen have to like watch someone endure i wish i could take on some of it for you i wish i could help you but that's the other thing life is just like no no no no no no no it's just him yeah um so i mean you yawned and you went like this. You went like, and I've heard all of your screams before. I've heard all your noises before. I genuinely got scared. I clutched my pearls, and I was like, and Carly was like, what the fuck is that? And I genuinely was like,

what do I do? And you were like, I just got a cramp or something. I got a cramp. My face cramped. Not my face, but down here. I have a muscle that's cramped up. That's how you know, again, that life's butt-fucking you. You get cramps in your fucking neck.

That was a visceral yell. I think that was like... It was like a cry for help. It was something coming out. That was from deep down. If we had one of those ghost cameras that see the paranormal, we would have saw something coming out of you. Or maybe go in.

I don't know. But that was – holy Christ. That was really something. That was – so anyway, the lesson here is that – what? We got him? Yeah, I found him. Oh my god. Is he going to cry again?

Yes. No, it's? Yes No it's Again it's in the cloud We have to just Redownload them Which will take three days But We have them

You are So lucky that he's Nick And I'm me Because I would have For sure pavs'd you No doubt No doubt I would have said

They're all gone And watched your reaction It's once tears I fold at tears Yeah yeah You're right I actually might I really do feel bad the way you looked yeah but but also content maybe even pavs like the day we were doing that to him you wanted to go all day you owe him i wanted to go all day i was i was gonna go hard on you probably wouldn't a crying girl i would

probably have some mercy but i probably would have like just i probably would have one more time been like yeah that's it you deleted like all of our work all of our life's work on ATI watch you cry a little bit and then yeah I'm just fucking with you so fucked up because sometimes when life fucks you so yeah I mean whether you're

deleting shit at work by accident or when you're just getting raped by life. Just know. I really do find solace in when it rains of course. Yeah. Because it's just like, or mama said there'd be days like this

or whatever fucking dumb phrase you want to use. When I was going through all my shit, I almost like took pride, not pride in the fact, but I kind of did take pride in the fact that I was like, when I'm on my fucking deathbed, I'm going to be able to say that I went through it. I went through some shit in life that very few people are going to have to deal with or whatever.

And I went through the fire, over the edge, came back out the other side. Again, whatever euphemism you want to use. And it's when you're getting fucked, you just got to grit your teeth and bear it sometimes. Just don't choke on a chip. So anyway, let's get back. Let's get to the podcast, I guess. We got Bert Kreischer on the show, like we said. Of course, voicemails, and we'll do some out by the assholes.

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Being compared to Tyreek Hill is my line. That's where I'm going to draw the line. And it took me a long time to draw the line, but I'm fucking drawing. Because when the Jets were rumored to get him and Pabst can attest to this because a lot of people were saying, oh, if you got Tyreek Hill, what would you have been saying?

And I was saying here, I was like, I don't want to fucking root for this guy. I really don't like Tyreek Hill. I don't want to have to root for him, but he's so fucking good. What if the Jets get him? So people were like, what would you say if he had gotten him? I would have said, well, it's going to be awkward rooting for a fucking scumbag. Not that I'm a hero who would boycott the team, but I would openly say he's a fucking scumbag. Not that I'm a hero who would boycott the team, but I would openly say he's a fucking scumbag. But what I did say once he was traded,

and you look at some of the analysts and reporters and talking heads who at times are certainly on their moral high horse, whether they should be or shouldn't be, who were just like, boy, Tyreek Hill's a once-in-a-lifetime player, and things that are physically true. But ordinarily, we just don't shower scumbags with praise.

And I know some of it was when he was younger. His assault was when he was 18. And people like to write that off as if he was a fucking third grader. I know some people say that the stuff with the kid with the broken arm isn't true. I don't know what... Well, his assault is just the assault of the guy? No, no. I think the assault was his girlfriend.

It was a girl, but it was when he was 18. So people are like, oh, he was young. Oh, yeah. Well, guess what? I've been 18 before. Yeah, didn't beat up any girls. I didn't fucking knock out any women. Knew how to handle that.

I didn't beat up any eight-week pregnant women. Yeah. With focus on her belly. Jesus. I knew I didn't beat up Any eight week Pregnant women Yeah So At some point With focus on her belly Jesus That's just what happened I didn't make that up No yeah

Right I don't know Is that what I was like oh boy Didn't know No you got it Yep Then he was like

Focusing on punching her stomach Oh oh oh oh Yes yes yes yes I see what you mean Yes yes yes What did you guys think I meant? You guys all reacted like I said something awful. Yeah.

I mean, no, you did. I thought you were saying it like it wasn't. I'm seeing there that, yeah. No, it's just what he did. Yeah. So he's just a real fucking bad dude. And then the story was that his three-year-old son broke his arm. And then the quote was, she said, he's afraid of you.

And he said, you should be too and some people say that that didn't happen or didn't happen all i know is when this shit's circulating about you bad guy and i said it's also like if i was him like i would i would just sign the extension in kansas city to not have like to go through yeah like all right you get you get 20 million you get me 20 million dollars cheaper because i don't want to have an awkward week well apparently he doesn't like juju schuster so so he doesn't want to do TikToks with him. So he had to leave, apparently. But I said, I can't believe the free pass that this guy gets.

Because if you look at some of the other people who have been outcasts from our society, when it's like far worse than that. And a lot of people were like, I said, I can't believe the free pass Tyreek Hill gets for being a bad dude, a genuinely bad person. And it was like pot, meat, kettle. And they're like, oh, really, you? It was like, fucking relax, dude. We're not going to compare my situation to breaking children's arms and beating pregnant bellies. And also, it's not a free pass when you guys are comparing me to tyreek when you are actively comparing me and every day talking shit about it there's no free pass

involved trust me there has been no pass and it certainly has not been free and it's coming to cost a very great cost so fuck you guys fuck you guys the thing is with I understand this one was a a a bigger one that's what you wanted to make public yeah but like I thought you like I would think that you not a free pass but I would think that you don't deal with anymore oh ha ha ha no I just sit there and I just eat it all day. Really? You're probably right. Nobody's sitting around checking other people's mentions. I eat it all day.

You know, right? Nick can attest. Nick looks at my – Because I sit around tracking other people's mentions all day. Yeah. All day. It's all I hear. It gets just fucking crazy. It's insane.

Every joke I make, any topic I talk about it, just constantly flooded with bad jokes or ridiculous comparisons or reminders or whatever. It is – I will just never understand it. I'm like fascinated by it. I remove myself from the situation. And I know that the major difference is that in every other situation where you're – like I could rattle off Tom Hanks, Kevin Hart, some of the most beloved people in the world. And went through exactly what I went through. And nobody cares. Everybody loves them.

And I know the difference is that in my situation, the wife involved was the one who spoke publicly. So there is a big difference. I also think that like – do they not – I don't take their mentions. Sure. You're right about that. But I would be willing to bet that like people talk about Tom Hanks like he's the most beloved person of all time. I didn't realize that Tom Hanks had anything like that. Exactly.

Yeah. Exactly. When he met his now wife, he was married, and he was just like, I'm in love with this other girl. And it's just like, oh, it's kind of okay. But anyway, it's just the obsession with me and mine Is something that like If you're a psychologist Or somebody and you're looking to write a dissertation Or write a book or something

Come on down Come and figure out what the fuck happened with this situation Because it is stunning So yeah I'm not fucking Tyreek Hill But We're not Tyreek Hill Great slogan Put that on a fucking sweatshirt Tyreek Hill. But... We're not Tyreek Hill.

Great slogan. Put that on a fucking sweatshirt. We are not Tyreek Hill. How you doing, Jackie? Good? Feeling better now? Thank you. Yep.

Good. Good, good. Just want to make sure. We'll do our Mind the Asshole and we'll get into voicemails because I want to just get right to Bert because an episode with Bert is... We know what everybody wants to get to. So, Mind the Asshole today is brought to you by BetterHelp. Now, mails because I want to just get right to Bert because an episode with Bert is we know everybody wants to get to so

am I the asshole today is brought to you by better help now there's a lot of people out there who we've learned through doing this game that they all there's a lot of questionable behavior out there a lot of people who don't know how to act right a lot of people who struggle with dealing with their family and dealing with

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Willem Dafoe is fully clothed. I chose the safe-for-work, non-NSFW photo because I like his pose, crouching down and looking at the water, and his colorful outfit. It's a picture from the Life Aquatic movie. This is not the first time that the husband has made comments revealing jealousy or insecurity over recent years, but it has come to this. Mad about a picture of a senior celebrity actor slash fully clothed. He has brought it up three times. i feel like he's just picking anything to be mad about nowadays background info i rotate pictures on my phone's screen meaning i can change the photo to a different photo about once a month so my photos phone backgrounds vary from pictures of my children to artistic backgrounds landscapes inspirational quotes funny memes and now willem

defoe i told him that i have a picture of dolllly Parton. I told him that he could have a picture of Dolly Parton on his phone, and I wouldn't be mad. He was disappointed that I wouldn't be mad. Input is appreciated. These fucking two. Imagine being like, you could have a picture of Dolly Parton, and I wouldn't care. I don't know what's going on here.

I don't know if they're rednecks, if they're hicks, if they're old, if they're foreign. I don't know what it is. But. I don't know if they're rednecks, if they're hicks, if they're old, if they're foreign. I don't know what it is, but the fact that you've got Willem Dafoe and you think that he wants Dolly Parton on his phone. Are you people from the 50s? What's going on here? I think that phone

background people are the craziest people alive. People who really care what their phone background is to have a rotation like I've had one phone background for 10 years

the dead guy yeah but like I'm saying like I've never changed it I'm not dude one time

I was looking and if I went to look at my phone I was looking for this picture once I want I want to make this into a t-shirt and I

was on my phone and it's it's my lock screen but it's also just t-shirt. And I was on my phone. And it's my lock screen, but it's also just like the regular thing. And I was like, I fucking can't find the picture of the moon, Dan, holding the thing. I'm looking at it. That's how little the background registers to me. That I was looking at the picture and I was like talking to Allison. Like, I can't find that photo fucking anywhere.

Do you have it? It's my back screen I that's how anything when I get a new macbook it's got like a swirl on it or a mountain or a lion whatever the fuck if I if I want to get a new phone one day and like it didn't the cloud didn't upload to like my old phone okay that's whatever it is whatever the whatever when you hand it to me that's my background I don't don't fucking care. It used to be a thing like desktop wallpapers. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even ringtones. Remember like, oh, I got to download a hot ringtone.

Now, whatever. If you're an adult and you care about your phone background, you're not an adult. Yeah. You're not an adult. Like that is – I have a rotating cast of my phone background. That's super weird. Yeah.

I feel like most people, once you have kids, a lot of people put their kids there. Yeah. Fine. You do that once or twice. Maybe you even update it as your kids are cuter or there's better pictures. But the general idea is just like it's my kids. If you're like – sometimes it's my favorite actor. Other times it's my favorite meme.

Other times it's like a inspirational quote like uh i mean if i find someone being like if i was like you know what are you doing on your phone and you were like i'm changing my background and i see that it's like uh what's the thing about the inspirational quote for girls dancing on tables you know that one no it's like you know what i'm talking about it's about best friends dancing on tables. It's something like, come on. I guess I should have picked a fucking reference that I know better. Dancing on tables.

I mean, the fact that there's top five dancing on tables quotes is ridiculous. No, what is wrong with me? Why can't I? Friends dancing on. I'm going to have a meltdown if I can't find this. You're only as strong as the drinks. Yes, that's the one. The tables you dance on.

That's the one. What is it? You're only as strong as the tables you dance on. Drinks you mix, tables you dance on, friends you party with. If I ever caught someone being like, oh, I just got to put that on my phone. And they're actively changing it from something else to that, I mean, absolutely just jump off a bridge and kill yourself. Like, who has ever had their mood?

Jackie, what's on your background? This is absurd. I don't know what it is. No, I've never. You never explained it to me. I changed that. Oh, really? What was that?

Oh, so we have a background changer over here. As I'm talking about people who change their phone. Literally, I never changed my background. I just changed my background. What was that? Well, that was. Oh, so we have a background changer over here. That was. As I'm talking about people who change their phone. I literally, I never changed my background. I just changed my background. What was it first? Before, it's not gonna make sense. It was an inside joke with my friends. Okay.

And then this one, it's not gonna make sense. Oh, hang on. Let's just fucking forget about all of this because who cares? Jackie was kidnapped when she was 15. Oh, yeah. Totally forgot about that. I even said let's make a note let's lead off the episode on Thursday about it forget it we forgot it like we're moving on forget about it by the asshole we got a text uh when when everyone was out in Boston I think

Nick sent it he was like remind uh remember we're gonna do did Jackie got kidnapped when she was 15. So Jackie's sister was in Boston. Jackie's hot sister and her friends were in Boston. And so I guess it was probably story time. And maybe some people were talking about you growing up. And apparently you were kidnapped when you were 15. Okay. Jackie disagrees that she was kidnapped. I was not.

A, I was not kidnapped. B, I'll cut this out, but he listens to this podcast. The guy who kidnapped you. He didn't kidnap me. But he didn't kidnap me. Okay, okay. I'll just go from whatever. So I want to change it up.

I feel so weird because he listens to this podcast. Well, he kidnapped you. but he didn't kidnap me is the thing why I'm very confused as to like how old is the person we're talking about 26 so how does someone who's like three years older than you kidnap because he didn't kidnap me

she's being so dramatic what happened okay okay I went to go visit her, my sister, in college. I, whatever. Yeah, she was, whatever. You went to go visit your sister in college when you were 15? When I was, yes. Like you spent the night kind of deal?

God damn. Yeah, is that okay with you? That's crazy. No, to be honest, that's not okay. I would not allow that. I would say no to that. You can't have 15-year-old girls hanging out in college dorms. That is how you get kidnapped.

You can't be talking to a girl at a party being like, I wonder if she's 15. Yeah. Did you go to a frat party? Were you talking to boys? Well, yes. I'd be so mad. I'd be so mad because if you recall, 15 Jackie did not look like a 15 year old yeah

well so I it was a nightclub oh my god you were 15 in a nightclub yeah but like you got kidnapped

bad I'm also now blaming the sister what is she doing well so that's why she feels guilty yeah she should whatever

but she should not feel guilty because she was just being a good sister and she was bringing me along and i mean as we all know i'm very mature for my age and so you know it's one of those things where it's like it's it was it was fine to bring me along and she knew that i could handle myself turns out i couldn't really handle myself And I Well no no I wasn't too drunk But I just As a 15 year old I guess I was

Somehow this group of men Had like Men? There's just no way that this is This is just going to sound like all weird It's going to sound like I got kidnapped Nothing happened like I didn't get kidnapped Do you know why it's going to sound like you got kidnapped? happened like I didn't get kidnapped Do you know why it's going to sound like you got kidnapped?

Because I'm going to guess it sounds like you got kidnapped You're doing an awful lot of dancing around For someone who wasn't kidnapped Do you want to hear the story about the time I wasn't kidnapped? I wasn't kidnapped It's every second of my life I'm going to tell you any story ever This never happens

So you're at a club I'm at a club. You're drunk. I'm drunk. This group of men had invited me to their table, and then like, oh, sorry, I skipped steps. This is. Wait, okay, let's just pause.

I'm making you boring. Sorry. You're going too fast. Sorry. So I usually feel like when I tell stories about my early days of drinking, people kind of get up in arms like I was drinking when I was too early. 15 shit face at a club is pretty hardcore. Yeah.

That's some bad bitch shit. But also like I was. And your sister was what? Like 18? I was like a sophomore. No, she would have been. How old is she? She would have been 19.

We're four years apart. So she's like a sophomore and you're. Yeah. Like a sophomore in college. I was a sophomore in high school. And she was a sophomore in college. And she was a sophomore in college. And you guys a sophomore in college And you guys were in the club drinking Damn girl

But either way Okay so What are you drinking at that point You're in the club 15 year old Jackie Can I get a gin and everything Anything I can see 15 year old Jackie in the club Am I famous?

Okay so then I'll speed this up I'll make it more I'll be better So then basically she just She had a boyfriend at the time But her boyfriend at the time Like Was like in a

Went home for some reason So then she Wanted to go home and, like, comfort him. Or I don't know. Whatever, yeah. She had a boyfriend drama. She had a boyfriend drama. So, like, she obviously was going to, like, she wanted to go deal with that.

But, like, but, like, then I wanted to stay. Because I would have the time of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I, like, begged her to stay. And she was like, no, no, no. But then her, yeah. So then I, like, begged her to stay, and she was like, no, no, no. But then her friend stayed, so then she was finally, like, fine. That's what she feels guilty about. Dude, leaving your 15-year-old sister in the club is wild.

That's not going to make any sense. Your parents, do your parents know this? No, they don't know this. They have never asked the question because we both were so weird about the whole thing after, and they were like, what happened? But, like, it wasn't even bad. It was just she just felt so guilty about it. But anyway, this is the first time figuring it out.

She's like, she tells her friends, like, make sure Jackie's OK. Yeah. And then the friends don't give a fuck because they're not your sister. So then the friends, but the friends like they which they were all at the show, too. The friends. I something happened. I don't know. But then I ended up going.

So then there was one of her guy friends was there. And her guy friend basically, he saw me at the table with these other guys. And then he was saving me from them. Got it. Those were the guys who were really going to kidnap you. Yeah, those were the guys who were really going to kidnap me. So then he, like, I don't know where her friends were. But then, like, it was, like, just time to go. So, like, then he was just, like, he, like, didn was just time to go. So then he was just like,

he didn't want to leave me, so he was just like, come with me. When I'm saying this, it sounds, but then it was fine. So then I went in the, then I was with the other. You know what this is? This is jacked up kidnapping edition.

I'm so bad at telling stories. I don't have like a linear mind. So she, okay. You know what I mean? Okay. So he takes you back to his dorm. To,

to his frat house. Frat house. And there's other like, Jesus Christ. Frat guys there. Like there's other people. I can't believe I have a daughter, bro.

But he, but he like never, like nothing. He never tried anything. He just like, he actually told me about KFC Radio. This is actually... He actually said at this point.

He actually said... I forgot that I knew that detail. Yeah, he actually said... Great, great. The guy taking over the 15-year-old from the clubs is our ambassador. He was like, you should listen to this podcast. And then I eventually listened to it. So I guess you can thank him

So he brings you home And he like He gives you somewhere to sleep He We got chicken nuggets And he just gave me chicken nuggets And then What a gentleman

And then That's what you give kids Yeah He got me a Happy Meal And had a Toy Story toy I was a mature 15 year old I wasn't a kid And then

And that was it. But then I guess everybody was looking for me and there was a little search party and he just didn't tell anybody that I was there. Well, because he probably was like, guys, I have a fucking 15-year-old in my room. What do I do?

He didn't ever try anything. It was like, fine. That is hilarious. And then I ended up getting home safe. But my sister felt really guilty for a long time. And she keeps saying he kidnapped her because they thought that he kidnapped. You get the point. I wasn't kidnapped. Anyways, that's a story.

I tend to agree. I don't think that was a kidnapping. No, but. You don't tell it very well. I'm sorry. Not the story itself, but, like, I mean. The way you start to describe it sounds like it now. Yeah.

The way you start to describe it, it sounds like I'm about to tell you a story about my case. Listen. Nowadays, that's enough to, like, convict. That guy could go to jail. I'm sorry. Well, that's why I'm, like, really hesitant to, like, say it. It's fine.

But it was fine. Like, it wasn't. It's fine. Boy. 15 years. And he is. He was 20. Like, how old was. It's fine. Boy, 15 years. And he is, he was 20. Like, how old was he? Because he's a couple years older than your sister.

20, 19. I think he's, like, a year older. He might be the same grade. I mean, if I'm 20, like, I would be genuinely nervous. Even if, like, he was doing the, like, he was just like, I'm just trying to help this girl out. But, like, you're seen leaving the club with a 15-year-old girl. You're seen bringing a 15-year-old girl back to the frat house. Just that alone, I'd be walking around with her being like, it's just to save her.

I don't know what I would say. I'd make a t-shirt that says, I'm not fucking this child. Don't worry, I'm not fucking this kid just imagine too 15 year old Jackie who is the belle of the ball drunk off of like sex on the beach all day long and this guy's like

I gotta take this bitch home Jesus fucking Christ oh my god your sister's crazy your parents don't know that your parents are gonna know now parents are gonna know now. Your parents are going to know now. Now they do. Parents are going to know now. Yeah. That is – but that's part of the – that's part of like the five-year rule.

Do you know the five-year rule? No. Final Works family invented the five-year rule. Anything that happened – I don't know that they invented it, but it's just – Oh, well, I give them credit. Maybe they did. I don't know.

I've never heard of it otherwise. I think it's a great rule. Anything that happened five years ago, you're exempt from punishment. So he told the story about when he was high on mushrooms at his grandfather's funeral. And mom and dad can't get mad about that because it was more than five years ago. Accidentally high. It was my brother, not me. It was accidentally high.

And it wasn't his funeral. It was his deathbed. His sanguine. So they were... It's the best. It's one of our hair stories of all time. They knew the family was going to be at the hospital, so my cousin was like, let's take mushrooms.

And then he took... So you knew the hospital... And then Gramps took a turn, and the parents were like, alright, you gotta come say goodbye. And they were like, oh, fuck. Saying goodbye to your almost-dead grandfather high on mushrooms is a wild one, dude.

A wild one. I remember when my buddy broke his neck and we were at the boardy barn when it happened. So we left the boardy barn and they all wanted to go to the hospital. I decided against that because I knew what kind of state I was in. I was like, I'm not going to help the situation. But they were closer with him. So they go to the hospital. And when you go to the boarder bar, not only

do you get shit-faced, but you get physically disgusting. They pour beer on you. You sit on the floor. You get mud on you. You wear ridiculous clothes. So my friends ran into an emergency room with an Indian headdress on, wearing the For Sure not t-shirts

covered in mud and beer being like where's room 219 i don't think they want this guys i don't think the family or anybody wants this i i never understand that i know it's in there's an episode of seinfeld where like elaine gets in trouble because she stopped to get jujubes or she was already at the movie theater and they they're like, did you stop? And why did you come running here right away? There's nothing I can do. What does it matter? Right, right, right.

I can't help you. It doesn't matter. I think you should do the rest of the episode with guys closed. I don't know if I have a choice. Let's do the rest of the episode with both of our eyes closed. You want to do that? Sure. Okay, I'm going to see if I can do that.

That's hard. I might actually fall asleep, though. Okay, that would be even better. Let's do voicemails. We'll do voicemails, and we'll keep our eyes closed and just listen to them. I also sent another

Am I the Asshole if you want it. Okay, let's do one more of those because we are cutting it short today. I have to obviously keep my eyes open for that one. Am I the Asshole for yelling at my boyfriend for making me leave my best friend's wedding? That one? I don't know if it's good.

No, no, that's fine. That's fine. My boyfriend, 27, and I, 26, have been together for two years. He's a good heart and normally rational, but this one issue, he expects me to accompany him in every occasion, no matter how big or small. He even went with me to my ex-boyfriend's funeral after days of begging. Now, my best friend got married a few days ago. It was very small and only close family and friends were invited. My boyfriend couldn't come because of the plus one rule.

He pitched a hissy fit saying that my best friend has no respect for my relationship and was shocked when he learned that I was still going to attend. He told me that if I can't go, if he can't go, then I'm expected to not go as well, but that it's my best friend and I had to respect her rules he gave me the ultimatum either we go together or I stay home with him I ended up going because I respected my friend's rules he was angry with me and kept calling me the entire two-hour drive then stopped later I got a text from his friend telling me he my boyfriend got into an accident and was taken to the hospital i freaked out he gave me the address and i had to leave the wedding and i told my friends why i was crying the entire drive home

and kept calling his friend but got no response i arrived to the hospital and asked my boyfriend asked about my boyfriend and they checked and told me he wasn't there my anxiety reached 160 as i kept calling his friends one by one i just went home and there he was along with his friends, his one friend. He saw me, said that he was sorry, but this was the only way he could get me home after I left him alone. After the initial shock, I just blew up at him about lying and making me leave my friend's wedding and having me literally go to the hospital freaking out because of him. I kicked out the friend.

We got into an argument. He kept talking about how much I love him. Thus, I left, which is my own doing not his he was just trying to see if i really chose my friend's wedding over that over him he then argued that uh that my friend caused this and i shouldn't agree blah blah uh i said what he did to me was horrible called him horrible and then went into my room it was awful because my friends kept calling to check in on him uh he said i overreacted and i yelled at the wrong person no eyes i mean that is i mean that is that's the most insecure thing i have ever heard in my life it's it's and i'm not even exaggerating it's an it's

an insane an insane thing to do pretend you potentially almost died? Pretend you were in the fucking hospital with a fake car accident? Honestly, that should, you should be able to commit someone. You should be locked up for that. If you're on, you get on the phone and you're fucking making up lies

and pretending shit's happening and trying, I mean, anytime people do this, when you're in a relationship, people threaten, like, I mean, anytime people do this, when you're in a relationship, people threaten, like, I'm going to kill myself or, or,

or. but I don't, so, the, I recently had a therapist tell me that, that was,

I told him that I had an ex-girlfriend who threatened to kill herself and, and the therapist reacted, like, with visceral, visible appall. Shock. She's like, that is not okay. And I was like, well, yeah, I fucking agree. She said that is not normal.

That's right. That's not normal. And I was like, I don't think you date enough women. You don't have the sample size for this because in my experience, I've broken up with girls who didn't threaten to kill themselves, and then I've also broken up with girls who – It's 50-50, basically. It's not one.

I'll tell you that. It didn't happen one time. Right. Honestly, if you threaten to kill yourself, if you pretend you were in a car accident, if you fake a pregnancy, if you do all those classic things, it's not normal. It's definitely abnormal behavior, but what it is, unfortunately, is common. That is common behavior. It's not out of the norm.

I've dealt with it multiple times. You've dealt with it multiple times. I know other – I'm not going to name other names, but I know like plenty of guys in my life that have dealt with it. And I also know plenty of guys who have completely normal relationship stories, breakup stories, all that shit. They're just like regular average dudes who I know. It's pretty funny because sometimes I think about them. And I think about if they went through the shit that I went through, they would be like, their heads would explode. But, you know, it's probably a certain type of guy mixing with a certain type of girl and a certain type of relationship and things blow up.

But the fact that – And, like, clearly women deal with it too. Sure, sure, sure. This guy has fucking threatened to kill himself before. That's for goddamn sure. If this guy could pretend to be pregnant, he would. This guy has the king. He's the king. That's for goddamn sure. If this guy could pretend to be pregnant, he would. This guy has done it all. If you're going to pretend to be in an accident to lure someone away from a fucking wedding

or even just having to go everywhere they go clearly means you don't trust them and you think your girlfriend's always fucking somebody. Going to the ex-boyfriend's funeral. Funeral. Like, was it days after they met or something like that? He just said he was begging for days to go. I mean, it's just fucking absolutely insane. Imagine just begging to go to a funeral.

Of an ex-lover. I've never thought about that, but, like, if you request going to a funeral, you're insane. Absolutely. You're about as crazy as someone can be. The one thing I want to skip is funerals, man. Right, right. You had a perfect out.

Like, can I come? Can you come to the room full of sad people grieving their friend's death? Yeah. I guess you can come. Don't you want to just fucking stay home and watch Holocaust documentaries instead? You know what is weird, though? If you go with your if you go with your now girlfriend or boyfriend to their ex's funeral that means at some point and it might be a very

fleeting moment but at some point you are in the room with a dead body and your current girlfriend or boyfriend is having thoughts about having sex with that body with the person that's dead and that's a weird person that's dead. And that's the weird thing. That is a strange thing. At some point, you're going to be like, I remember that time that we fucked. And that's what she's thinking about. And that's what you're there while you pray.

They are absolutely thinking about it. And I can tell from experience because I at the aforementioned dead friend's funeral, he had a big piece on him. And and one of his ex-girlfriends went it's just such a waste that's fucking hilarious you're at the wake and she's just thinking about like man he used to put it on he used to break me off i think she said she said that she uh she wants to make a she wants to sneak in before the funeral and make a mold. Make a mold? Imagine that.

You're talking to the mortician. How can we get this thing up one more time? How can we get some rigor mortis here so we can get that mold going? But whether it's guy or girl, the fact that I and you and a couple other people we work with and a couple friends of mine and I'm sure a couple friends of yours who are all from different places, different ages, different neighborhoods, different everything, and have all experienced this to some degree is why we're doing the B2B2 move. And obviously that is a joke to some extent. But there is a very real part of me that thinks it's complete bullshit that people – and it is – I do think it skews more girls doing it to guys. But it can definitely go both ways. People use all of the phone, the internet, everything to manipulate and fuck with you emotionally and mentally.

And it's just as abusive as some other behavior. And it's fucking crazy that it just kind of is like, we laugh about it on the internet or it's like, Oh, LOL, crazy girls are like, Hey, am I the asshole?

Cause I made my girlfriend think I was dead in the hospital. It's fucking nuts, man. So no, none of that shit is okay. And if you do that, you are the clear asshole. I thought knowing that the end of that story is okay, and if you do that, you are the clear asshole. I thought,

knowing that the end of that story was, did I take it too far? I thought she was gonna be like, so, I bashed his head in with an iron. And then I was still gonna be like, meh, you know, maybe. You got mad at him and yelled at him? That's the, did I take it too far? You should've pressed

charges. You should've fucking sent him to jail in front of his friends. You kidding me? Goodness gracious. Okay. Let's get into voicemails now. I double rock with Bert. I got to open my eyes again.

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Visit SiriusXM.com slash KFC Radio offer to sign up. Offer details apply. Hey, KFC Radio. If you had 24 hours to name 1,000 all-time professional athletes, could you do it? Wow. To put it in perspective, you need to name an athlete every about a minute and a half

and if you got eight players from each of the 124 major u.s sports teams you don't need to get eight additional to get to a thousand uh let me know if you could do it and if it's too easy uh what number do you think you could get to if given a week i love this question a really hard question this is a great question. And I'll tell you what, it's something that when he breaks it down like that, it feels like I could do it. Yeah. Yeah, my initial reaction was absolutely not.

Right. But then you start to think of it, and then you start to think of that's just the current teams, and if you think about all the players you've known from the past. But I couldn't name any players from every team. No shot. No shot. I mean, there are teams I know no players of You know what I mean And on the spot If you were to just be like

Name Sacramento Kings I could be like De'Aaron Fox That's fucking it You know what I mean And maybe if I sat there and really really thought hard I could come up with a couple more But that's the point You gotta be able to keep it moving

So when he says one every minute and a half that's a daunting task that is because and you you ever watch billy on the street yeah when when he puts people on the spot people's brains freeze he'll run up on people be like name a white woman yeah they're like i and he's like literally just say the name of any woman who is white. And they're like, I can't do it. I don't know. When you are in competition mode, when we do the dozen. Yeah, yeah, dozen brand.

When we do the dozen and it's the bonus mode, bonus round. We did the other day the top 25 brand logos in America. Okay? Go. Top 25 brand logos in America. Okay? Go. Top 25 brand logos? Yeah. McDonald's. Yes.

Starbucks. Coca-Cola. CBS. NBC. ABC. I don't know if those ones were on there. Netflix? Netflix was not on there, and that's what we won on.

That was like the final. We got five they had four and they said Netflix That was actually pretty good Because in the moment like I Started thinking about clothing brands I was like Nike Levi's Levi's but then once you once your brain Gets stuck on like one thing Like I didn't think at all about

Amazon like tech You know what i mean because my brain just went a different direction so if i'm sitting here thinking about like baseball players my brain is not thinking about football players at all when i've got to switch gears i could see a scenario where i very quickly fall behind the minute and a half thing you know what i mean yeah not very quickly but within a couple hours and then and then all of a sudden now you're scrambling and now you're getting freaking out. Although I guess if you were to just start and be like go and you bank a ton of time, you rattle off the first like hundred that you know really quickly.

And now it's like, all right, I'm one-tenth of the way there and I still have – and I did that all in like just a couple minutes. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I think ultimately I would be able to do it, but I think it would probably be close. I do not think I could get it done. I think it would be a pretty colossal failure, in fact. Yeah, I mean, 1,000 actually.

I think I could probably do it. There are guys that we work with that for sure could do this. Yeah, yeah. You know, like who could do this probably no problem, who could probably rattle this off with plenty of time to spare. I think I'd get about 300. And obviously I know more than 300 athletes. Or first currently and in the past.

But think about how many players are on the Bruins roster. Fucking NHL roster 22 I think. This is not going to help. How many players are on the Bruins roster? Fucking NHL roster 22, I think. This is not going to help. Because I was going to say, to get to 1,000, you'd have to name, like, what's that? 50 or 100 Bruins teams? And it's like you've only been around for thinking about the team for like 25 of them. So that actually is tough. and i also just forget dude when when uh jeff d low if i if

i do a mets question and i get it wrong people like how do you not know carlos beltran's number i was like i never knew his number yeah i like i there's a ton of shit i watch the bets day in and day out but i don't commit my brain to like remembering everything or knowing every question or whatever we should maybe test this though like i don't want to sit around for 24 hours but i want to try to list as many as i can maybe in a in a shortened amount of time like could you do a hundred in you know whatever fraction of time that works that would be a good challenge but for everybody out there who is just like this is this is a piece cake, this is effectively the dozen bonus round.

And that is way harder than you think. Granted, the time constraint is really the hard part of the dozen. It's way harder than you think to just rattle off seemingly obvious things because I think there's something with the human brain that just like fucks you up when you try to do it. But we'll do an alternate little tweaked version of thisaked version of this challenge, and we'll figure it out. Next voicemail. I know this is stuff that can't even breathe. We are struggling, dude. All right, boys.

Not the first time, but it's been a long time. If you could have the ability to fuck Margot Robbie, hear me out. She shits on your chest, but you don't have the sense of smell. So she shits on her chest. You don't smell. You

wipe with a towel and then you proceed to fuck Margot Robbie. Are you in? Are you out? Let me know, boys. Love you in? Are you out? Let me know, boys. Love you. There's part of me that's absolutely in. There's part of me that's absolutely out. Yep.

And the part of me that's absolutely in is gonna win over. Yeah, ultimately. He always does. It's a little bit devil on the shoulder, angel on the shoulder. There's part of me that's like, I obviously want to really, really fuck Margot Robbie, but I don't really want to fuck anybody to the point that I want to be doing, like, I don't know. Scat.

Yeah, it's just like I don't need to fuck you that bad. Like, that would be cool. I don't even like picking up my dog shit. Right. I got to fucking do more shit on my chest. And I got to, like, get shit off of me. It's in my hair, and it's who knows what consistency she has. Also, you know, once she does that. She's not been shot, so. What? She's never been shot, so there's a chance it's who knows what consistency she has. Also, you know, once she does that.

What? She's never been shot, so there's a chance it's not diarrhea. She's never been shot? Yeah. That's what happens with traps. That's why it's head diarrhea. Oh, that's right. That's right.

That's right. I mean, part of me thinks that once that happens, I don't even know if I'm turned on anymore. Yeah, I don't know. Do you want to even think about okay margot robbie's so hot now you've seen her like squat and poop i don't think i'm into her anymore bro i've watched girls squat and poop out other things but it's other things why at least like it's like cum it's cool when it's cum it's not cool when it's poop you know what i've learned about this when i have my

eyes closed i think it might be big daddy i I'll say anything. Yeah. Like, I said that, no hesitation. We're talking, I mean, directly. I mean, I was going to say, come. I was referring to other things. What? Bocce balls? I mean, like, yeah. I wasn't referring to anything specific.

Just like... Other things. There's a long list of things I've watched come out of rectums. It's pretty funny how we just want to see things go up butts. It's a bizarre thing that the human race developed. Yeah. Because it's not really natural, right? We shouldn't.

But maybe, I think it is natural to just want to put things in holes. But this is clearly a hole for exit, and we just turn it into a very desirable hole for enter. Well, you can't tell anyone they can't do something. That's true. It becomes taboo. God was like, hey, don't fucking put your mouth on this. You think if we just were like from birth, like you should put your dick inside people's butts, we just wouldn't even want to do it?

Probably. Because you always want what you can't have. Yeah. But we can have that. Interesting. Take it. And then the other part of me is like i'll do whatever i don't give a fuck the other part of me is like if you ask me to do something while i'm in bed with you

i will say yes 100 of the time at least one at least once maybe the second time i'll be like remember it was gross it ended up like in my armpits and all my checks and my neck i'm not doing that again but part of me is also like, whatever you want, Margot. It's actually quite cute and admirable that we pretended for even half a second that this was going to be anything other than Margot Robbie can fucking dump all over me. Margot Robbie can empty that ass

right on my chest. Ah, fuck. The, um... God, it's Right. Uh, uh, the, um... God, it's gross. But the... The way you said empty is... Yeah. It just makes me feel like

a trap door opens and just falls out. Oh, God. The... Like, there is something to it when you're, like... Like, he made it seem like it was nothing.

Like, he's like, you just wipe it off. Like... Yeah. No, man, I have to hold it in my hands. That's how I'm gonna get it off. Like, I have to...

Well, you said you have a towel. I have to pick it up off my chest. You could just, like, towel it off. Yeah. No, man, I have to hold it in my hands. That's how I'm going to get it off. Well, you said you have a towel. I have to pick it up off my chest. You could just, like, towel it off. But, like, even feeling the weight of it is... What if you found out, though? Like, I'm not technically touching dog shit, but, like, holding that weight, I'm like, this is fucking disgusting. What if she just takes, like, little poops?

Oh, she definitely does. I mean, she's a little person. She's definitely got little rabbit shits. But the... You never know, though, man. They come out in those little balls, too. Little shitops. Oh, she definitely does. I mean, she's a little person. She's definitely got little rabbit shits. You never know, though, man. They come out in those little balls, too. Little shit balls. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Last voicemail. KFC, fights, everybody else is living in Jackie's world. So I'm driving back to school after spring break, and I was thinking about this article that I had read not too long ago about doctors up until 1979 doing like big surgeries and operations on infants and newborns without any anesthetic or putting them to sleep or anything because they didn't think that they could feel pain yet um what and now we look back on that 43 years later and think, God, that was fucking stupid. How stupid do you got to be to think that the fucking KB can't feel pain?

So my question is, what is something that we're doing today in the world that we might look back on in another 30 or 40 years and think, God, that was fucking stupid. Like, how do we think that made any sense at all for us to be? This is an easy one. For example, we're all getting the vaccine right now. I think it's a good idea. It's like preventing us from getting COVID, spreading COVID, that kind of thing.

But what if we look back on it in 20, 30 years and people are walking around, they got a third leg or fucking everybody's heart's failing and stuff like that. And we think all the other vaccines, maybe that wasn't a good idea for us. You think vaping, people who think it's... But I don't think people are under any illusions right now.

I think that people know vaping's bad for you. Yeah, but when vaping first came on the scene... It was like, this is better than smoking. It was like, yeah, healthy alternative to smoking. Quit smoking with this. And then the goalposts started to get moved quite a bit. But I think... Pretty quickly. you were...

There was definitely a time where people were like, could you use an electronic cigarette? Yeah, that's not bad. When you think about that logic, you think the electronic cigarette is the healthier one? What the fuck are you talking about? The electronic device that you're sucking on and inhaling, it's pretty much like if it makes you feel good, it's bad for you.

Right. Right? So it's not like we figured out the fucking key to it and you can get all your nicotine and get all your enjoyment and not get any of the bad. If you're giving you withdrawals and it's not enjoyable, ow, that hurt. Oh, that got me up my eyes. You tricked me. I banged the fucking... What the hell?

What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? Where did that old KB come from? Yeah, where was that? What were you going to do with that mask?

Oh, everybody was wearing one of those. I was just close behind John going like this. What? Nick was naked in the corner. Nick was naked in the corner. What? I didn't sense that at all. I didn't sense it at all.

I had no sense of it. I had full trust that nothing was happening. I opened my eyes for a quick second, and I saw them putting it together, but it didn't. Boy. What was the question? Oh, what's something 43 years from now that you think? Yeah, the vape thing.

I mean, yes, there's also like... That's a good looking kid. I do acknowledge there's every chance that the vaccine is one. Sure. Not every chance, but you know, there is the possibility that something goes wrong in the future. I'm pretty positive,

and I don't even think it's going to take 43 years. I think it's happening right now that plastic straws being paper and stuff like that, that's not saving shit. It's not doing a fucking thing. The thought that we have all these turtles dying because of plastic straws was never true. And paper straws are not saving the turtles.

And even just like little things that are like your carbon footprint is lower. It's like none of this matters because one fucking volcano erupts and the planet's like into a nuclear winter. It erases all of the environmental work we do when like one natural disaster happens so there it's also the uh i think we were talking about with coley which like something like nine percent of recycling gets recycled that's what i mean like all of recycling will be like oh that was a joke yeah have you seen my favorite thing is there's a tiktok where you know there's a garbage can and it says like there's a hole here that says paper yeah and then you just take the off, and it's just the same garbage can. We're not recycling, guys. It's not real.

It is. It's all a sham. Yeah, it's nonsense. What was the other one? I have another one, too. I think, again, this one isn't really a surprise, but I think in 50 years, they will be very surprised at the pills, like the medicine we took. No. I was going to say the one we use our phones.

Oh, yeah. Like holding it to our brains all the time. What did you – you thought – Do you think from the physical or from like the mental? Mental. Yes, I agree with that. I think like people are like, you thought being buried in your phone? And we know it's not.

But also I think we – They make social media 24 hours a day. Yeah, yeah. No restrictions. The government should turn it off. Yes, I think they will eventually. They really do. We said before, we are the generation of Accutane, birth control, all the shit, Viagra, all the

things you're putting in your body that right now is just like, get your dick hard and make your brain normal. And then 50 years from now, we're going to be like, eh. So, yeah, that's probably all going to be bad. All right. Berg Kreischer time. Let's do it. Interview with the big boy.

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Look who it is. This fucking guy. Good, good, good. I haven't eaten today. I feel skinny. My tongue hurts. I just saw Lisa Ann. I was hoping you got to see her.

I'm a fan of hers. She's fucking awesome. She's in many different ways. In many different ways. Have you ever done anything with her? Now that she's doing, like, the, you know, podcasting and radio and all that shit? No, no, no. I wanted to.

She did a tour. Are we rolling? Yeah. Good. She did a tour of, for something. She was promoting something, but it wasn't her thing. And she was so fucking good. I actually started saying, like, tweeting out, like, this woman's fucking awesome.

And then what's crazy is the porn industry shows up. Oh, what did you tweet? The bots. And they're like, have you ever seen Adriana Cechik? And I was like, no. Who's that? She's like, she'll suck an Uber driver's dick. And you're like, well, Googling Adriana Cechik.

Adriana Cechik did this thing where she was swapping cum with another girl mouth to mouth. And I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up. You know what she did the other day? She went live. We talk about Adriana Cechik like once a week. She's awesome. She went live the other day and took all of the lube she has in her house, lubed up a like mat on her floor, got totally naked and did human bowling.

She set up bowling pins and slid cannonball style into... I mean, her legs were going into... I mean, the camera was inside of her. It was wild. You know she offered Tom and I to double team. I know! Let's fucking talk about that because you pussies said no! What are you, married fucking happy

assholes? We pitched it to our wives. First was like, hey, can we just fuck her, right? And both of their wives were like, no. Because we're like, well, it's for a bit. It's for a bit, right? It's content. Look, I kissed a woman when I did my movie. That was like, do you know you're not supposed to talk about that?

You're supposed to kiss someone on a movie and then be like, I was a reporter at work. I was like, the fuck it was. I had to change my pants. Because I was getting a boner. That's why. But you're kissing someone. You're really kissing someone.

Well, that's why every fucking star, they all end up fucking each other and dating each other because you can't really fake that. I actually said to my co-star, I was like, I'm going to talk about this. I hope you're comfortable with that. She was like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. And I was like, because it's like, this is really uncomfortable for me. And my wife was there. Oh, boy. I don't give a fuck. And I was like, because it's like, this is really uncomfortable for me. And my wife was there. Oh, boy.

We were in Serbia doing it. So then we pitched it to our wives that we'd just fuck her, and then they were like, no. Then I was like, okay, what if we use strap-ons? And then Tom's like, but what are we going to do with our dicks? I was like, we'll be jerking off. You idiot. Come on. How about this?

I've seen a fleshlight inside of a chick. Yeah. So you're technically just – And you're not checking her name. Yeah. Did she do it? Yeah. So then you're just fucking the fleshlight.

I would be into that also. Well, the last one I pissed is what if we put on strap-ons backwards like tails so we're not even looking at it. Pin the tail on the doggy. And they're like, no. My wife is like, she's cool as fuck, right? I can say anything. Anything.

And my wife's a ride or die. There's a couple things. My wife does not get jealous at all. At all. We do topless. Back when I did clubs, at the end of the night, we would do topless shots So if you were topless

You got half off on your shots Everybody Everyone would be topless Yeah I mean I'll show you pictures I'll show you pictures And you're gonna go

That looks fun Okay My wife does not give a fuck Doesn't care Where's Indiana She knows you're coming home At the end of the day That's why

She knows She knows who she married Right Right And she knows I know who I am. Right. Where's Indiana?

I'll show you this fucking picture. Anyway, so she wouldn't let us fuck. Like, Tom and I went to a dominatrix, and she was totally cool with it. Totally cool with it. We put electrodes on our dicks. She shocked our dicks. My wife's totally cool. I asked, I said the other day I wanted to get a muse for our bus, right?

Uh-huh. Get a muse. Hire a muse. Fucking hot chick. Small bikini. Does a muse have to be a hot chick? It has to be a hot chick. Perfect.

Perfect. I don't know what you're going to do, but yeah. I mean, you can do whatever you want. I don't care. I'm not judging, but yeah, I would like a hot chick. Well, it's after that. I watched that clip of that. I'm a Jason Saldana. I got Jens. I clip of that. I got jams.

I'm a loser. I got jams. And I was like, God, man, I bet. I'm not even joking. I bet if I hung out with her, I'd be inspired. I'm not trying to fuck her. But just being around her. And especially if you've got real muse, like a genuine muse.

Like a real free spirit. Like Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. Right? A real like joint rolling let's open a bottle of champagne. That kind of muse. I feel like every muse might inspire you for a little while and then they

get fucking annoying. That's cool. So you tear you down. It's just a muse. You get them for like a fucking couple weeks. Like Yoko Ono was a muse Right And then she'll ruin a life And so I was like We get a bus muse We give her a thousand bucks a week

Right Take her on the road For as long as we want And then when we're done with her We'll just be like Hey I think we'll Throw her out in the trash And Leanne

No way Fucking shut down Really She was like That will not fucking happen Weird that she has certain I was like I'm not I guess maybe she's on a bus

Like something's gonna... I think that's because Leigh-Anne's smart. Yeah, you can't have her around here and all that shit. Off camera and, like, you know. She was like, I thought I was your muse. And I was like, you're my muffler. Oh, that might be why. You're my muffler.

You tell me the ideas that suck. No, you know what? She just shuts down all your ideas. Everything you pitch, like, no, that sucks. She is... It's funny. She's game for so much shit. She is game for shit that I go, really? And then when something's soft, like just getting a bus muse.

Just fucking a porn star and getting a hot chick to live with us 24-7. I can't believe she drew that line there. I was like, babe, I'm doing it for the content. It would be good content, right? See if Amuse works. Oh, sure. Yeah, get Amuse. Sure.

But she fucking... What you need is Amuse that, like, fucks the other guys on the bus. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My Amuse! And then Leanne makes it real. She goes, imagine if someone said to your daughter, why don't you come on our tour bus and be our muse? I was like, I gotta take it like that.

Fuck, it's not my daughter. It's someone else's daughter. Jesus. We used to get that all the time when we had smoke shows of the day and blackout tour, girls dancing. What if it was your sister or your child? I'm like, well, then it would be different. Then I would change my opinion completely.

But it's not, so shut the fuck up. It is weird when you watch dudes hit on your daughters. Oh my God, I can't even imagine. I remember a very long time ago, I was holding Georgia's hand, and I was walking through, she was walking age, but not much higher. And I was walking through the grove over on Fairfax. And I was maybe 32 years old, 34 years old, and I saw this hot chick. And I just looked, and it was a dad with his daughter. And he looked at me, and in his eyes he was like, easy, motherfucker.

This will be you one day. Right, it's coming. And yet last night we went on a hike with the girls, and dudes were walking down. The girls were ahead of me. George and I, I'm with Leanne. And this guy comes down with this fucking dog. And he's like, hey. And they're petting the dog.

And I just walked up. I was like, hey, man, big fan. And I was like, yeah. How are you? And then he does the math. And he goes, oh, my god. It is funny, too, because everybody knows the names and everything. Yeah.

So they can really put it together. As soon as he was like, oh, and man, it's fucking. The self-confidence. I'm sure the girls love that, by the way. Georgia went, Georgia picked, I mean, I'm not saying she picked her college, but one of the deciding factors is she got, Leanne watched her get hit on at one of the colleges she went and looked at. She went in and this guy came up and was talking to her.

And Georgia felt great about herself. And then Leanne's like, what are you thinking about going here? She's like, I don't know. The boys are cute here, right? Yeah. It's so crazy how dumb we are in making school decisions. I would cross colleges off my list because it rained that day. I'm not going there.

It rained. It rains everywhere. I'm making life-al list because it rained that day. I'm not going there. It rains everywhere. I'm making life-altering decisions based on that. The next four years because one guy said hi to you. I just went. It was that and the fact that I wasn't there. I wanted to go to Boulder so bad. She got in, but when we went there, I went with her, and I got recognized like crazy.

And she was just, you could see her just turn off. I mean, I think, unfortunately for her, you're going to be recognized pretty much everywhere now, brother. I'm not allowed to tell anyone where she's going to college. I'm not allowed to go to any of the games. I believe it. The offensive coordinator reached out to me and was like, hey, man, I'm a fan. I'm here. Sorry, bro.

Yeah, and I was like, bah. Can't do it. Yeah, that sucks because you basically you could like relive college if you wanted to looks like i'm not going to any notre dame games oh man dude so we uh i was listening to one of the funniest things i think you guys have come up with recently recently is the idea of of trying to level the play playing field for you and stylebender, where he has to drink as much as you can and then fight hungover.

He doesn't party either. I know. But he was talking about sparring you, right? And he was like, I'll drink a little and then spar. But I think if he went shot for shot with you all night long, I think it's actually a pretty... It greatly evens the playing field. I mean, he'll still just beat your fucking ass, I'm sure.

Here's the deal. It's like swimming with a great white shark. So when you swim with great white sharks, and I've done this a lot. I've done it more than twice. There is a moment where a great white shark is kind of drunk. And if you put enough blood in the water, sharks get drunk. And as they, not great whites. I've never done this with a great white, but blue sharks, I think that's what they're called.

You can grab their nose and push them back. And because they're like almost like drunk. Off the blood. Yeah. And by the way, I'm not a botanist or whatever the fuck those people are. But like that's, but I've been in, I've pushed blue fin sharks or whatever, I've pushed them back. Wow. But you think you can get that with style better?ender? There's a razor's edge to that.

Yeah. Because right before they get drunk, they're fucking sharks. They're at their peak shark. So I got to get past that razor's edge with Stylebender and get him so drunk that he's sloppy but not dangerous. Because if I get him drunk enough where he gets angry and he's like fuck this and he starts knocking my teeth out one by one I need to get him past that

where he's like seeing double and wants to throw up and if I punt and he gets like I need that because I know I can outlast him

drinking very easily sure guy doesn't drink at all yeah yeah man he talk about fun I wouldn't mind one of those

I wouldn't mind winning a fight and then doing the tour after the fight Like when he won When he won That next week He did all the fucking stops

He did press He partied I'll talk to the whole world Yeah Dude how much fun I don't think we'll ever have Anything like that in life Like that

That high Yeah Even when you do a special It's kind of like Well I would You said Red Rocks Was like your At this point in

your career the highest right yeah well it yeah yeah yeah by far and did you feel you know like how how good did that make you feel it's uh it's funny because because i'm doing it right now with the greek because i'm doing the greek greek cinco de mayo and it's almost the fun is selling the tickets because and in our the greek is during cinco tickets. Because the Greek is during Cinco de Mayo, it's during the Netflix is a joke festival. So there are 20 of the largest comics in the world are putting on shows. I think Chappelle's doing two at the Hollywood Bowl.

Like, I mean, Ali Wong's doing seven. So it's a really hard time to sell tickets. And the selling of the tickets is, for me, that's the fun part the tickets is for me the that's the competition that's the fun part and then you do the show the show goes off it's going to go off fine it'll be it'll be great it'll be a blast because you you know your routine you do your routine so the new thing is really selling those tickets and then like and then like you go to the green room and then that green room's a little stressful and i know that we have like

big name celebrities are coming to the green room that night and i'm going to try to get them on stage see that's like that's the other thing is. I'm also putting on a show. So like, we have this band called Metalachi. They play metal covers in mariachi style. So they play Living on a Prayer, but like, in mariachi. My goal is to get the celebrities that are coming

that will be hanging out backstage, to get them on stage at the end of the night, singing Living on a Prayer. And so, that goes on in my head so there's a lot of stress and pressure of what I want to happen for the night and then when you get there then all of a sudden you're like did someone take the marijuana like why is everyone opening the good wine

for the when I did Red Rocks and the best was at the end and just that by yourself moment the by yourself moments when you're doing theaters are the best. I remember the first time I sold out the, what's the one in Boston? The Wilbur.

Wilbur. And I sat backstage, I was cold, and I was warming myself against the heaters in the back. And I thought, I'm the only one here. Like, I've been the only constant in this career. Like, I have no one really to celebrate with but myself. Yeah myself yeah so i was like you better learn how to enjoy this by yourself like you better learn how to be like hey man i'm grateful for this i'm grateful so when i did red rocks i went out brought a joint and a tito's a soda like this is you went up to the fucking stage at midnight watched the stars sat down smoked a joint had a drink and i was like this is the guy

i get to celebrate with yeah bur's Bert. You're going to have a million people there. Television execs, movie execs, your wife, your kids. Openers, whatever. Your kids have no fucking idea how hard it is to sell fucking 10,000 tickets. But you do. You're the only one. Your wife, your manager doesn't know. Like, my manager can tell me, hey, we need more promos for

the dot, dot, dot. Brooklyn. I'm in Brooklyn next week. You know, like, my brain is always thinking about that. But you're the one that has to sell the tickets. You have to do the promos. At the end of the day, you're the one that gets to celebrate. And the only other people that understand that, oddly enough, are comics. It was one of my favorite stories.

It's a bad story to tell on podcasts. I know it might be alienating. I was in Vegas. I did two shows in Vegas at some theater. And I'm walking around and I see a Rolex shop. I'm a big fan of Rolexes. I don't have a hard time buying myself presents. I can buy other people presents, but I have a hard time spending money on myself.

So I go in, I look, and she pulls out this really nice Submariner, black Submariner. She's like, you should buy it. It's whatever. You can Google how much a Submariner costs. But I'm like I'm like I don't know I don't think so I don't think so

If it was for someone else You'd be like in a heartbeat In a heartbeat I just bought my wife a Rolex Two months before that For her birthday In August I bought Leanna a Rolex

And I had no problem Spending that money So I leave My wife calls me And she goes Did you get it And I said I don't know I don't think so

And she goes You know you work really hard You deserve it And I was like And then I get a message from Tom And he texts me He And I said, I don't know. I don't think so. And she goes, you know, you work really hard. You deserve it. And I was like, and then I get a message from Tom and he texts me. He knew I was there. I sent him a picture and he goes, did you get it? And I said, no. And he writes back, hey man, you are the hardest working guy I know in comedy. You are on the road months at a time. You live on the road. You live working. You never take a break. You're flying to Austin to do Two Bears, One Cave. You are working at the highest level in our business. If there is anyone that deserves this watch, it's you.

So? There you go. Oh, beautiful. Go back and buy it. The next day, I call Tom. I'm like, what are you doing? And he goes, you know, man, I sent you that text, and I realized the same applies for me. And I was like, where are you?

And he goes, I'm at a Rolex store. I said, are you serious? He goes, I mean, I said it to you And I was like I fucking work hard I deserve a treat It's true though Both of you guys

Did you give him I know you guys Were talking about The gift Is his birthday pass yet Nope Did you get him Like just a fucking

Straight up car Is it just like A $500,000 car Cause I know you're Just gonna launch Two Bears Racing So this is the trailer Oh god

This is all getting Delivered August This is all getting delivered August. This is for our wrap. These are all getting delivered April 4th. I will be flying down to deliver Tom his birthday present. I'll see if I can find the car. I don't know where. When you guys were talking about Two Bears, and you said it on the show,

you were talking about Barstool. I was like, you can do that. You can make a racing team. We are. That's a very real possibility. Two Bears Racing starts in April. I'm not sure when our first race is going to be. We're doing endurance races.

So it's a more accessible race for guys like Tom. I think our first race team will be Tom, Matt Farah, and Joe Rogan. And they will do the endurance race. I've got flame retardant suits, track suits made for them. I've got four extra tires. I bought a $56,000 BMW for them. I bought a trailer for them. I have the guys over at Rec Tech are setting up a smoker

that can attach to our trailer so we can smoke at these endurance races. And I'm fucking excited. It's a birthday present. For anyone that doesn't understand, Tom and I always buy more expensive birthday presents for each other. It jumped so fast. It got to $100,000 in fucking two years. In two years, it got to $100,000.

Does he know his gift yet? Oh, yeah. Because I had to. It's so complicated. It's a company. Two Bears Racing is a fucking LLC. Yeah, you, because I had to, it's so complicated. It's a company. Two Bears Racing is a fucking LLC. Yeah, you gave him

like a new job, basically. Well, it's our job. We better make money from this. And so, but he's obsessed with cars. He loves cars. He loves track racing.

It's one of the things he does for his 40th birthday. He went and just rode cars around a track. And I said to him, and this is my belief, and if you're looking for a way to succeed in business, this is how I think.

Find a thing that you love and then focus on that. And I told him, I said, you love racing. Why don't I support that in you and let's start a racing team? And he was like, are you being serious? And I was like, that'll be your birthday present. Dude, I mean, you guys have the money, you have the fans, you have the connections. You really can do anything.

We're going to sell spots on the call. Yeah. And then we're going to go out, we're going to race. It's what we've done at Barstool. We were a techno tour. We've done business. We've done sports. We've done music.

I mean, you can do anything once you have the fans that follow you. The difference is you guys have a collective brain of weirdos and then really smart motherfuckers. Because I told you, I mean, I'm not claiming that I... I'm just saying, very honestly, we came up with the idea of Two Bears Sports Management

like almost a year before you guys came up with Barstool Sports Management. Oh, yeah, we came up with it the day and the name and likeness passed. We were like, okay, we're just going to do this now. And you did it. And by the way,

and this is where Tom and I fall short, I have horrific, weird, out-of-the-box ideas that, like when I said Two Bears Sports Management, we talked to our agents. Tom's like, I think it's a good idea. How do we do it? And that's where my brain stops. Right. And you guys were like college athletes. But, you know, what's funny is like we did it.

Now we have like 150,000 athletes. And now we're like, now what? We is, like, we did it. Now we have, like, 150,000 athletes. And now we're like, now what? So, like, we don't know what we're doing either. We just, like, dive in and then we'll figure it out later. That's the interesting part about, like, Two Bears Racing is Tom. I can go, let's do Two Bears Racing because I know Tom loves racing. I know he will commit energy to it. I know that our fans will follow Tom's passion.

Passion begets passion. And then I know our ad sales sponsors are going to come and sponsor the car. I know that we can get there. And then he goes, well, what's the end goal? And I said, Formula 1. Let's do Formula 1. It's not that crazy. Listen, these are the ideas I've had.

Because I'm on a planned track to be a billionaire. I would like to be a billionaire. I would think that would be fun as fuck to be a billionaire. That's pretty decent. I think I would agree to that. One of the ones I wanted to do was we do live events and we, you know, $10 and we do a live stream and they were very

successful during the pandemic. I said, let's do a Shark Tank live event where all the money we get, all we're doing is letting our fans pitch their ideas to them. We're going to weed them out. We're going to bring them on. We'll bring on 20 fans. They'll pitch their ideas and then all the money we make from this, we invest in that business. And it's

a two bears venture. And he's like he's like I love it. I love it. What. Let's get started. And that's where I think we slow down. It's like we're like we need we need we need some sort of literally a genius to fucking come in and go let's fucking

execute. Yeah. Well it's kind of what we do with Erica. You've your goals in life have changed. Because I remember there was one time you were on the show where you said, like, 20 million, you'd be set. Now we're going to a billion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I want a yacht. I want to be an oligarch. I want a model ends up in a suitcase money. So wait, to go back to when we were talking about

with the style bender getting drunk and evening in the playing field, we had a question on pretty much that same day that you guys had that episode out. It's Usain Bolt versus Joey Chestnut, the hot dog eating guy. You got to run 100 meters, but also eat a hot dog.

So Usain Bolt's expertise is being super fast, and Chestnut can eat the dog really quick. So who has the better? So you both got to run and eat, right? Or is it eat and run? Eat and run. Eat the hot dog, then run. So Chestnut can do it in like three seconds.

A regular person eats a hot dog. How long does that take? And then run 100 meters. Who wins that? And where do 100 meters. Who wins that? And where do you think you fall on that? I think Joey Chestnut wins that. I think so too. I think that eating the hot dog takes longer.

The difference in time from eating hot dogs is greater than the difference in their 100-meter dash. Oh, without a doubt. Because you're going to finish the 100-meter dash in like 15 seconds versus his like 10 seconds or whatever. I love the – The hot dog just – It's gone. That could be an Olympics of just – Because Speedo reached out to me to –

Because I did a Speedo submission when they kicked Ryan Lochte off the team. I offered them my talents. I said to them – By the way, at the time I said that. That's a big miss by them. They should have done that 100%. I said, bro, $100,000. $100,000.

I would wear a Speedo everywhere I went for one year. Everywhere I went for one year. Wait, so what year was that? You'd have to pull it up. I mean, you know, you're obviously. It was a while ago. I know, you're way bigger now. It was when I was on Travel Channel 2.

So maybe that was, I mean, if you did something for a year now. 2016. 2016, so six years ago. It's right when I got fired from Travel Channel, probably. I mean, the amount of money that it would cost for you to sponsor and do something everywhere you go for a year now. I didn't do the math. I was like. A hundred thousand.

You're actually making below minimum wage with that. You really would be. I mean, it's crazy. I offered to sell my company, me as a company, to Mark, who's the guy, Mark Cuban.

I called my agents and I was like, $10 million and he gets money for the rest of his life. What did we do? We pitched, we gave him Barstool, I think, for $10 million.

And he said no. He said no. They did a shark tank. Kind of what you're talking about. Two of our guys pitched other ideas, but then Dave legitimately was like, I'm pitching you Barstool and you can buy. I don't know if it was the whole thing, but I think it was a $10 million stake and he

turned it down. That was a big mistake. At the time, he was cubing in live shows. Yeah. He was like, your business is, because we were doing the Blackout Tour. The hard dick business. Yeah. He said, you guys are in the business of hard dicks.

And I was like, I don't really know what that means, but okay. If you say so, Mark. By the way, hard dicks sell tickets. Hard dicks can get you far. Hard dicks and t-shirts, man. What does he use his phone for? I just use my phone to get my dick hard. Yeah, but I feel like the hot dog is the harder thing to do there, right?

I said, there's a guy named Caleb something. Caleb something. It's not Caleb. You're Caleb. But another Caleb who's the freestyle, 50-meter freestyle world champion, world record holder. And Speedo is like, hey, man, we're a little late to the game, but if you're still interested, we'd love to have you race our guy Caleb,

and if you can beat him, we'll sign you to a contract. And I was like, cool. That's cool. Let's set up the parameters. He's got to swim in overalls. You say you're a good swimmer, right? I'm a really good swimmer. I'm a really good swimmer.

I'm not Caleb Presley. I'm not Caleb. What? Dressel. Caleb Dressel. I'm not Caleb Dressel fast, but I could be Caleb Dressel fast if I wear flippers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he's wearing bricks on his fucking feet.

Yeah, let's set some precedent. Yeah, yeah. Let's make it real. That's so – and they didn't do it. It's a handicap. I love handicapping things because it makes it so much more fun. Right, yeah. That's been my whole life.

Right. That would be – if you live stream that or put it on demand or whatever, it would be – Speedo – so like here's the problem with Speedo. I'm not shitting on Speedo, but here's the problem with speedo not i'm not shitting on speedo but here's the problem speedo they don't have anyone that thinks out of the box for them there are a lot of companies that they make good money doing what they're doing and that was travel channels thing when when i worked travel channel i tried i remember very directly going to their ad sales department and pitching a podcast network to them this is 2014 2013 and i

was like you will own the lifestyle brand, the lifestyle brand, home and garden, uh, food and cooking, travel, a great American country, everything. You will own that. You already have the talent led in. You already have the ad sales partnerships. All you have to do is increase it by a hundred thousand dollars a year and they will sponsor podcasts. And then at upfronts, you will stand there and say uh i hear a lot of people talking about magazines fuck magazines discovery we are in the podcasting business we have the largest podcasting we have over i mean think about the accumulative downloads barstool gets i know what our bars are but i can't imagine what your accumulative downloads are so

when you sell to ad sales they're like fuck yes get us in those pockets. And they passed so fucking quick. And they were like, why? How does this work? It's crazy how averse people are to adapting. They said, we're in the television business. I came to combos. Remember combos? I love combos, right?

I did a joke tweet that went viral where I was like, you've redefined my palate. I've just had buffalo, hot buffalo, and blue cheese. Hey, everyone, give me your favorite combos ideas. And it went viral. People were like, whale and whiskey. They were like everything crazy. Combos hit me up, and they're like, hey, man, we'd love to do something with you. And I said, great.

At the time, I was still doing clubs, and I was like, I want to do a combos comedy tour. Combos comedy tour. Combos everywhere. And you take two opposing acts, like me and Cat Williams, two acts that normally wouldn't go together, and you do a combos comedy tour combos everywhere and you take two opposing acts like me and cat williams two acts that normally wouldn't go together and you do a combos or or find the big drinking uh mexican guy with a with a big green white guy and then combos and they were like yeah cool it's christian though right we're like and so yeah and so speedo speedo speedo's not they don't have anyone that thinks out of the box at their company So when you say to them

Hey man We will do a live stream I will race your guy And we'll make it competitive I don't think they go What's in it for us And you go just a lot of people going Speedo is cool What's in it for you

You dumb fucking idiot Swimming in Speedos is like fucking jacking off with too much lube. When you get on a Speedo, you're like a goddamn dolphin just in the water. You glide. If you swim in a Speedo tomorrow, you will never wear a different bathing suit. Really? Never. You'll never wear a bathing suit to the beach.

Is that different? Is that different? Because you're like flopping around in a bathing suit and this is like streamlined? You slide through the water in a Speedo. You slide. I mean, it is – you are like – you ever seen an iguana swim where their feet and legs are back and they're just like this? Yeah, yeah. Dude, that is what you're like in a Speedo.

You go so fast. And I'm telling you, if I go to the beach with my girls, I wear a Speedo because you're in the ocean. You need to be – and my wife's like, it's's an aggressive look what are you doing in the ocean that you need to be like big waves big waves big waves I gotta be nimble I gotta be agile I gotta be ready I walked out of the speedo one time she goes you're not going out in that and I was like don't worry I'll put on some goggles a little sport like jacking off with too much lube that is unbelievable that's maybe the second funniest thing you said too When you said when you come

It's like you take a shit inside someone I'm feeling that a lot Listen before we run out of time We're going to run next door and do answer the internet I love it So if you want to promote or whatever Greek May 5th I'm in Brooklyn Providence

Portland Maine and just go to burtburtburk.com go to burtburkburk.com Birdie Boy Relapse Tour is is

tickets are available there how long are you doing that tour I'm wrapping it up I'm wrapping it up in April it's gonna feel so good when you wrap it I'm wrapping I'm wrapping it up in May

and then I'm and then I have a big announcement that I'll be I'll be hitting you guys up for I'm sure And then I have a big announcement That I'll be hitting you guys up for I'm sure to announce I have a big announcement for Two big announcements Two big tentpole things

One roughly happening in June And then one happening later in the year And then I shoot my special in November And then I think I'm going to take time off I'm going to Europe with the girls At one point I'm going to take some time I'm going to try to take some time off

Because I'm not taking any time off When is one point. I'm going to take some time. I'm going to try to take some time off because I'm not taking any time off. Is one of those big things the movie? No, no. The movie. And the movie on top of all that?

We got the movie. Yeah, the movie. I'll be back in New York doing it. I was going to say, we'll see you soon. The movie should, I will let everyone know

when my movie, The Machine, with Mark Hamill as my dad, comes out. It's going to be insane. Yeah. Let's give it a fuck.

All right, let's go. Sorry. Thank you. Bye.